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Playboy Cyber Club
Howard started the show talking about how this show never ends, they're always back. Robin said that it's Howard's show that never ends. Howard said he was talking to the boys and they have a lot to get to today. He said he's not sure where to begin. He said he's on sensory overload. Howard said he has things to play, people on the phones, Billboard music awards and more.
Howard asked if anyone watched the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Fred said he saw some of it. He thought it was good. Howard didn't think it was that good. He said Randy Newman looks like Roger Ebert. He said that's not a bad thing but he does look like Roger. He said he thinks that they've run out of guys to induct. He said they put Donna Summer in there. He said she's disco, not rock. Robin said they sometimes put people who influenced the music. Howard said he thinks that the Moody Blues belong in there. He said that they're not inducted. Howard said real musicologists say that the Moody Blues were doing what the Beatles were doing before the Beatles were doing it. Howard said they don't have the band Chicago in there either. He said they should have Blood Sweat and Tears in the hall of fame. He said he finds himself perplexed as to how they're running that thing.
Robin said they haven't run out of people if they're still inducting people. Howard said he enjoyed Rush playing the songs he used to have to play over and over again back in the day. He said Geddy Lee looks kind of like him. He said he was watching them and it was fun hearing them playing some of their songs. He said they were long songs so he always had time to go to the bathroom. He said they played Tom Sawyer and another one he wasn't able to remember. Gary asked if it was Limelight. Howard said that might be it. He said he doesn't even remember it. Fred played some of their ''Spirit of Radio'' for Howard. Howard said he never felt a connection to that song even though he played it so many times. He talked it up as if he were on WCCC. Howard said he used to say ''I've got some Rush for you now...'' like he had something to do with picking it. He said he wasn't even the one picking the music.
Howard said he used to take a bathroom break during a long song like that. He said he had nightmares about the record skipping though. He said he would play it and rush to the bathroom. He said maybe that's why they're called Rush.
Jon Hein came in and said he thinks this song is great. Howard said that's because he's super white. Howard said it's technically good and they can play it live and sing it live. Jon said they're a three guy band and they can play this. Howard said that is pretty impressive. Howard asked what the song is about. Jon said it's about listening to radio and how it inspires you.
Howard asked Jon if he really thinks that these guys belong in the hall of fame before the Moody Blues. Jon said he does. Howard said that Cheap Trick and Yes aren't in the hall of fame either. Howard said he hates the hall of fame. Jon said he thinks that Yes should be in there. Howard said he can't get into this Rush song. Fred was goofing on Geddy Lee's voice. Howard said it was actually good seeing them. He said he saw Heart too. He said the fat chick used to be really hot and Gary told his son that but he didn't believe it.
Howard said the fat one was wearing a hat trying to cover up her fat. Howard said it's obvious that they were trying to be Led Zeppelin.
Howard asked Gary who he was watching the show with. Gary said it was with Jackson. He said that he and his dad used to watch stuff and his dad would tell him that some chick used to be hot and he couldn't believe it. Howard said it is fun to look at pictures of people who used to be hot but have gotten fat. Howard said he posted a picture of a publicity shot that America's Got Talent did. He said he thought he looked good in this one. He said he had to share that. Howard said he doesn't think that they photoshopped it. Howard said he looked at it and put it on Facebook. He said some girls from high school and grade school said he looks good. Robin said Howard is back on Facebook now. Howard said he's on there but not all that much.
Robin said she went on Classmates.com once and she had to go to the yearbook to remember people. Howard asked if you have to pay for that one. Robin said you do. She said that some people have changed so much that you can't recognize them at all.
Howard said he isn't going to pay for anything with a credit card. He said he hates that. He said he likes being able to just go on iTunes and buy something without the hassle. Robin said he had to go through the hassle once giving them his information.
Howard said he has a couple of friends on Facebook that he wanted to fuck in high school. He said he knows that they're pissed they didn't hook up with him. He said he doesn't want them now. He said he didn't call one of them when he was single. Gary said there are times that you think that someone held up really good and then you realize it's her daughter. Howard said he put in a lot of time with a girl in high school. He said he wanted to fuck her and he was obsessed. He said she told him it was never going to happen so he moved on to the next situation. He said they became friends on Facebook and he thought she was hot but it turned out to be her daughter. He said the daughter looked great but the woman looked like Broom Hilda.
Gary and Howard got back to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame discussion. They were talking about Randy Newman and how he looked. Robin asked who is in charge of inducting people. Howard said that Jann Wenner owns it. Gary said it's not owned. He said they make it seem like it's not owned anyway. Howard said if you put out something with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame name on it then Jann will come after you.
Gary asked if Bon Jovi should be in the hall of fame. Howard said they should be in over Randy Newman. Howard said Pubic Enemy shouldn't be in there. Howard said he loves Public Enemy even though he's not a rap guy. He said he thinks it's obvious that Chuck D hates Flavor Flav. Gary wasn't sure about that. He said he thinks that Flav is very ADD and it's amazing that they can perform.
Howard said there are people like Lou Adler in the hall of fame. He said that Bon Jovi should be in there before Lou. Gary said he's a producer though. He said there are rap bands that get in every couple of years. He said he thinks that they're running out of people to put in there. Gary asked about Hall & Oates. Howard said he can see them in there. Howard said he likes Daryl. Gary said they were number one on the charts for many years.
Gary said some day they're going to call it the Music Hall of Fame instead of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Howard said that would be fine.
Howard said he hasn't seen the Billboard awards yet. He said JD watched. He said he asked if Bruno Mars opened up with that good hit song he likes. Howard said JD told him he didn't. Howard played some of the song Bruno did open up with. Howard didn't like that one so much. Howard said he should have done that one song ''Locked Out Of Heaven'' that he likes. Fred played some of that song and Howard said this is good. Howard said he needs to stick to making songs that sound like The Police songs.
Howard played a clip of Flavor Flav making a speech about how he's going to stop wearing that giant clock around his neck. Flavor said that's the last time you'll see him wearing that particular clock. People were laughing at him so he started to laugh. Howard said Chuck D was staring at him like he wanted to kill him. Howard said that's the drama he's making out in his head. He said for all he knows they could be best friends.
Howard said the guitar player from Rush was making a speech and just said ''Blah, blah, blah'' for two minutes. Howard said it was funny at first but it went on for two minutes. Howard played some of that. He said the guy is wearing a bad toupee. He said he must be pissed they didn't get into the Hall of Fame sooner. Robin said he shouldn't have shown up. Howard said the other guys looked like they wanted to kill him too. Robin said she should have watched to see that. Howard said the weird thing is that he understood him more than he understands JD. Howard said this went on and on. Howard said that's one unfunny asshole. Robin said she doesn't think he was trying to be funny. Howard said he thinks he was. Robin said it's a comment on all of the bullshit everyone else was saying. Howard said maybe he could be gracious. He said he's just a dickwad. Howard said this went on forever. Robin asked if they other band members slapped him. Howard said they looked like they wanted to. Howard played a little more of that rambling clip. The guy didn't stop. Robin said the audience doesn't do anything either. Howard said they liked it.
Howard said Mr. Bene used to pay him in cash but he wasn't sure he wanted him to do that. Howard said he would get a check eventually. He asked Gary if that place is still open. Gary said he's not sure.
Gary said they used to get fed there but they weren't allowed to have the steak. He said they could have the chicken. Gary said Mr. Bene once offered him a steak though. He said that was after they were there for a while. He said that Mr. Bene's mother liked him so that helped. Howard said they were always great to them over there. They used to sell out the club so they loved them there.
Gary said he saw a guy get clocked in the head with a salt shaker. Howard said they used to get upset when the sugar packets would get thrown around there.
Gary said he used to work at Roy Rogers and they had to clear everything out of the bathrooms when bands would show up at a venue nearby. He said they cleared the place out before a Grateful Dead concert because people stole everything.
Howard said he was listening to Gary's voice mail. He said he heard Ass Napkin Ed talking about the drunk driving laws and how they're lowering the blood alcohol level. Ed thinks that they should raise it, not lower it. Ed said it should be at 1.08 instead of .05. Howard said if you care that much about the DUI laws then you have a problem. Robin said he shouldn't be out there if he has even one DUI. Howard said he doesn't need him out on the road driving drunk.
Howard said he liked Kid Rock's speech at the Billboard Awards. Howard played some of Kid Rock talking about people lip syncing under pre-recorded music. Howard said he has that right. He said he must be wondering what universe he's in. Howard played some of Selena Gomez's performance at the Billboard Awards. Howard played some of Chris Brown's performance on the show. Howard said he doesn't care about his music. Howard played a quick clip of Taylor Swift singing. Howard goofed on her rhyming in her songs. He said he heard she's working on a song called Tuna Fish Sandwich where she sings about getting hungry and making a sandwich. Howard made up some lyrics for that song. Howard played a song parody they had where they had her singing about how she can't keep her legs together.
Howard said Jennifer Lopez has a new song out. He played a clip of her singing that on the Billboard awards. Howard said Justin Bieber got booed and he ended up defending himself saying he's an artist. Howard said that's not a good idea. Howard played some of the audio of Bieber talking about how it should be about the music and about the craft. He said it's not a gimmick and he's an artist so he should be taken seriously. He thanked his mom and dad and then Jesus Christ. Howard said they should have kept booing.
Howard said Prince did a performance. Howard asked if he did a shitty song. Howard said he heard he did a good song but made it shitty. Howard played some of the performance of ''Lets Get Crazy.'' Howard said he should just do it the original way.
The caller asked if Howard really bought a house in Florida. Howard said he did and he doesn't live in New York anymore. Howard said he likes how that's news. Robin said she saw that they're fostering a dog. Howard said his wife is involved in the North Shore Animal League. He said she's super involved. Howard said that they have four cats they adopted from there. He said he loves the cats too.
Howard said Beth called and told him about this bulldog that needed fostering. Howard said that this woman gave up her 5 year old bulldog because the boyfriend doesn't like it. Howard said the dog spent a lot of time being boarded. Howard said Beth asked what he thought about her fostering the dog. He said he was fine with it. He said they got the dog and the dog is so good. He said it's like the greatest bulldog ever. He said the dog is trained and never has an accident. Howard said they were wondering if they should take the dog. He said that he was talking to a buddy of his that he sees about 3 times a month. He told the guy about the dog and the guy brought his bulldog over to meet this one and now it looks like they're going to adopt this one. Howard said now they're torn because they fell in love with this dog. Howard said they're probably going to foster more dogs. He said they're trying not to bond but it's almost impossible. Robin said it's hard to bring a pet into the house and not bond with it. Howard said they have a couple of people who want this bulldog.
The caller said they took a dog from a neighbor that was moving. He said they were going to put the dog down if they hadn't taken it. Robin said that's horrible. Howard said people are heartless. Howard said he thinks that people would treat their kids the same way if it was more acceptable.
Robin said there are people who throw their kids out into the street. Howard said that's what happened to his mother. He said that her father sent them off when they were only 9 because he couldn't deal with them. Howard said he wondered how she loved a guy like that. Howard said he loved the guy but he didn't give him away. Howard said he's just glad his mom didn't give him away.
Howard asked Robin if she saw that Angelina Jolie is going to have her ovaries removed. Robin said she did see that. Howard said pretty soon the only thing left of her is going to be her right leg.
Howard said he saw a painting of Beatrice Arthur topless. He said that the painting sold for $2.5 million. He said some anonymous guy about it. Howard said he's going to claim that it's him. He said that he can't imagine a more ridiculous piece of art to buy. Howard said he thought it was Ronnie nude when he saw it.
Howard asked Ronnie if he was a big name in NASCAR. Ronnie came in and Howard went off on him for not talking right away. Ronnie told him to get off him. He said that Dick has been around for years and he never really made it big. He said he was known but not at the top level. He said he was in the Winston Cup but never made it really big. He said he was known more for his name. Ronnie said Dick never really did get big.
Ronnie said Dick had a lot of issues. He said he never made it big and that might have been one of the issues. Howard asked if he ever made it big. Ronnie said he didn't. Howard said he just said he never made it big about 50 times.
Howard thanked Ronnie for coming in and then kicked him out. They played him out with a song parody about how ''Ronnie's 95'' to the tune of ''9 to 5.''
They also played a ''Delusional Fan Syndrome'' bit about Jackie. Then they played a clip of Sal and Richard asking people if they would rather sleep with the Boston Bomber or Howard Stern.
Howard said that clip was insane. He said that it's the Boston Bomber. Howard said that guy killed an 8 year old child. Howard said that these women have the nerve to say that they would rather have sex with that guy than him. Howard said that's shameful. He said they're bringing shame on their family. Robin said she saw the guy the other day and she was feeling the same thing with the guy. She realized that he's the Boston Bomber though. She said that she stopped herself when she realized that's whose face it was. Howard said she should take that back. Howard said they finally buried the brother of that guy and that's shame on this country. Howard said he won't go to Virginia now. He said until they remove the body he won't go there. Gary said they should have shipped him back to his home country.
Howard played some interviews Sal and Richard did with some people on the street about the Boston Bomber and what they think we should do with them. People had all kinds of ideas for what to do with the guy.
Howard said that April Macie is going to stop by today. He said they have some pictures of her up at HowardStern.com. He said they'll get to her after the break.
Howard said April Macie was on the show a few years back in a contest they had for the hottest funniest chick. Howard said she's back today. Howard asked April about her hair being blown out and if she did that herself. April said she did.
Howard said Whitney Cummings came in second in the contest she was in and April won. Howard asked if she's upset about that. April said Whitney is winning at life. She said she's not really upset about it. She said as long as she's winning it helps all of them. She said that Whitney was on the flight out there with her and she pointed out that her bag was fake. She said Whitney was right about that. She said she isn't making sweet dough like Whitney is.
Howard asked if she's glad that Whitney's show was canceled. April said she is kind of. She said that if she hadn't pointed out that bag was fake then maybe she wouldn't be so happy. April said she's doing alright for herself. She said that she just hosted the AVN Awards. Howard said she shouldn't be having a fake pocket book. April said she's doing okay.
Howard said the AVN awards are kind of depressing. April said she had a sad life herself so she can relate. Howard said April had a sad life. She says that her mom was the town whore. April said her mom would hustle her sweet cans out and people would call her a whore. She said this was in the Easton/Allentown area of Pennsylvania. Howard said she wasn't literally a whore. April said she wasn't but she had big tits and she showed them off so she was known as a whore. She said her mom may have had one other man other than her husband. She said her tit fell out of her top at a school function once too.
Howard asked if April's mom still looks good. April said she's like 56 now and she's still holding on. She said that her parents divorced about 3 years ago. She said that she held on until her parents died out of spite because they said it would never work out.
April said her father always had jobs but things would go south for them all the time. She said that they had a lot of flea market humiliation when she was a child. She said her aunt had schizophrenia and she would rip the walls apart trying to find the people spying on her. Howard asked if she ever found anyone. April said she never did. She said she had fun with her aunt though. April said her parents would have coke parties in their pool. Howard asked if they were coke heads. She said that they weren't coke heads but he may have dabbled a bit.
Howard asked if April lashed out sexually as a young girl. April said she did. She said that she was pretty promiscuous. She said one boy told the class that he had anal with her and she shit on his couch. She said that didn't really happen but she was known for that.
Howard asked why guys have to go out and do that kind of thing. She said that he must have gotten a laugh out of it and that kind of thing will get out there really fast. Howard asked if she ever tried to explain that she never had anal with him. April said it was too hard to try and explain that. Howard said she sounds traumatized. April said that you don't become a comic if you have a normal life.
Howard asked April if she's on meds at all. She said she's not now but she has tried. April said she's not depressed but she gets sad once in a while. She said she comes back and she's good. Howard said it would be weird for him if his mother was like her mother. Howard said his mother would cover up everything in the pool. He said that he can't imagine the pressure of having a hot mom. Howard said he went to a friend's bar mitzvah once and they were checking out this hot chick and it turned out to be this kid's mom. He said that he wanted to fuck her and it must be crazy to have a mom like that. April said she was just glad she didn't have gelatinous arms like the other moms.
Howard said he's surprised that April didn't become slutty based on what people thought of her mom. Howard asked if she thought that she could become discovered when she was so hot. April said her mom was super hot but she's only like 5'2'' tall.
Howard asked April about who she's dating now. She said she has another comic. Howard said April dated Mitch Fatel. April said she's glad she opted out of that relationship. She sad he's going around swinging with couples. Howard gave April some plugs for the AVN Awards that are airing tonight on Showtime. Howard said that girls get excited for winning for having anal on those shows. Howard said that the women get exited but the men don't seem to care. Howard said the women bring their parents and family. April said they do. She said that she wouldn't want to bring her dad to that.
April said they sent her a bunch of porn to watch before doing the show. She said that she saw some of the stuff and noticed that they had a lot of dicks in asses.
Howard had some audio of Asa Akira making her acceptance speech. Howard said that April has some big cans. April said that she does. She said that her mother has even bigger ones. She said they're enormous. Howard asked if she walked around nude when she was growing up. April said she didn't. Howard said the Howard TV guys have pictures of her mom. Howard checked them out and said she really was hot. Robin said she looked like Michelle Pfeiffer. Howard said that April is really cute too. April thanked him for that saying that she loves self esteem in the morning.
Howard asked April about dating Mitch Fatel and why she's with another comic. April said that he's funny and she likes that. She said that he'll stick his dick in her wine glass and run away. She said that's what he's like. Howard asked if he's a shitty comic. She said that his name is Shane Moss and he's been on Conan a bunch of times. She said he's really good.
Howard said that Jesse Jayne made out with April at the AVN Awards. He had a clip of that moment on the show. April told her that she tastes like Mandingo. Howard asked if that's the first time she's ever made out with a girl. April said she did it one other time when she was lonely. She said that her friend was dabbling at the time so she gave it a try. She said that she may have played with her boobs too. April said that Jesse did a vag grab too. She said her boyfriend liked that.
Howard said that April is doing the podcast thing too. April said she thinks that she's getting a following with that. Howard said you can find out more at AprilMacieIsHilarious.com
Howard asked April about the boyfriend and if they spend much time together. April said it's hard to travel together because he headlines. She said there are times they don't see each other for a couple of weeks at a time.
Howard said he read that she had a friend she saw eating out Lance Armstrong's asshole once. April said she did. She said that she saw her friend face deep in his asshole. This was about 5 or 6 years ago. She said that maybe that's how he administers dope. Howard asked if she can still be friends with someone after seeing that. April said she always knew that her friend was just rancid. She said that she thinks it's hilarious that he asked if she wanted in on round two. Howard said he would feel horrible for the woman if she had to stick her asshole up there. April said a man's asshole is a dangerous place.
Howard asked if this woman is famous. April said she has her own business but she's not really famous. Howard asked if it was Whitney Cummings. April said she wishes it was.
April told Howard about how they met Lance at this place they were at and how she thinks that her friend knew Lance before so they may have done this before. Howard said he's not sure about that whole thing. He said that he wouldn't want a woman to have to go down there. Howard asked Robin if she's ever had a man's tongue up her ass. Robin said not really. She said that it may have glanced by. Howard said it's no wonder there is so much disease out there.
Howard asked April about Jeremy Piven hitting on her. April said that he was standing outside the bathroom at a club once. She said that he asked if she noticed that he was gazing upon her. April said he asked if they went to college together and she had to say that he's like 49 years old. April said that she told her boyfriend what happened and how he got all revved up about it. April mentioned that she had just taken a dump at the restaurant. She said that she usually goes outside of the house if she's dating someone new. She said she takes it to Starbucks or somewhere like that.
Howard said that April beat out the great Whitney Cummings in the Hottest, Funniest chick contest. Howard said that was a few years ago. April said she thinks it was 2009.
Howard asked April about how she got into comedy and if she tried to get on Saturday Night Live. April said she isn't really into that. She said she loves stand-up.
Howard asked April about having a masturbation race with a guy. April said that this guy would take her out to dinner if she won. She said that they'd get into a bunk bed and masturbate. She said that she would touch herself and he would do himself. She said she thinks that he was just happy to masturbate in the same room with her. She said that he would buy her dinner after. Howard said he must have been interested in her. Howard said he wants to compete with her now.
Howard said he knows that April is out there working hard. Howard asked what the worst place she ever performed at was. She said she did a place in front of a shed in a parking lot in Texas. She said it was like 12 Mexican dudes in a club. She said they were paying her really well though. She said it was like 5 grand for the weekend. She said that was great money. April said she was wondering how they afforded to pay her. She said now the guy is locked up.
Howard said stand-up is hard. April said it really is weird. She said that she goes out and odes her shows and then she's home watching midget shows on TV. She said that's her life. April said she spends some time writing her material. She said she'll rework some of her old jokes and things like that.
April told Howard about doing military shows and how she's been to Saudi Arabia and places like that. She said that was terrifying going to Saudi. She said that they brought them to this square where they do public executions and stuff like that. She said that she was in another place where they had to bring a battle buddy to go to the bathroom. She said that they would do snatch and grabs over there. She said that she had to go to the bathroom with another woman. Howard asked if anyone has been snatched over there. April said that in Guantanamo they had signs in the bathroom saying ''stop raping'' to remind everyone.
Howard said that April is full of joy. He said she's still good to look at. April said she's trying. Howard gave her some more plugs for the AVN Awards thing that's on Showtime tonight. Howard gave her another plug for her web site too.
Howard asked April about being called ''Shitty'' as a teenager. April said they still to it today. She said that she goes on her Facebook and sees people calling her Shitty. She said that they called her a whore too. Howard said he would look for a girl named Shitty just hoping that she'd do something. Howard said if a girl shit on his couch his dad would have killed him though. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that he's going to be on the Katie Couric show on Thursday but it won't air until after Memorial Day. Howard said that Katie is going to be on this show too. Howard said she looks really good these days. Howard said her body looks rockin too. Howard said he has to ask her about what's going on there. Howard said she looks really attractive. He said he might have to start oiling his legs. Robin said he can wear a short skirt too.
Howard said he wanted to see the final episode of American Idol because he heard that Mariah Carey was acting weird. Howard said she really wasn't. He said none of the shows are getting big ratings but all of the reality shows are losing ratings. Howard said they need a hot chick to win. He said the chick that won wasn't that hot. He said he used to rub the skin off his cock to Carrie Underwood back in the day. He said she wasn't even that hot back then though.
Howard said some dude was put in jail for stalking Jennifer Lawrence. Howard said the guy apparently called her parent's house like 200 times.
Howard said they did that great interview with Roger Daltrey last week and then Richard drank a beer with his asshole and trumped it all. Howard said that he had just read about a woman who got high drinking through her ear so Richard said he would drink it with his sass. Howard said Richard now thinks that he could tell the difference between a light and dark beer with his asshole. Howard said maybe he can. He asked Richard if he tried that over the weekend. Richard came in and said he wants to try it out there. Richard said he thinks there is a consistency difference that he could identify. Howard said they'd have to prepare for this if they do it. Howard said they don't have any there. Howard told Richard to bring pumpkin, dark and light beer in. Howard said maybe a domestic and foreign and a micro brewery and others. Richard said he'll bring in an IPA too. He said he hates to waste this stuff on his asshole but he'll bring them in. Howard said they'll try it tomorrow. Howard warned people not to try this at home. Richard said he got a buzz of that half a beer last week.
Howard said Richard's show was number 1 on Howard TV. Doug Goodstein said that it'll be number 1 for the next 3 weeks. Howard said they'll try this out tomorrow with Richard's different beers.
Howard did his impression of his mother telling him about the meal and what a good time they have going there. Howard said she told him that they used to have mint ice cream there but they stopped. Howard said he told her that maybe people didn't like the mint ice cream. Howard said she said that's a very popular flavor so he's wrong about that. Howard said it was weird because she wanted to know if he wanted to speak to his father. Howard said he can't hear him that good anymore. Howard said he will talk about it but he has to yell into the phone. Howard did his impression of his dad telling him over and over that they went to Nathan's. Howard said he'll bring up something and his dad won't understand and he'll talk about something different.
Robin asked why they go to Nathan's. Howard, as his mother, said they just like to go there. It's not a place they went on their first anniversary or anything like that. Howard told Robin that they just like going there. Robin asked when it became a regular thing. Howard had his parents hang up on Robin.
Howard went into character and Robin gave him his envelopes to read. Robin said the envelopes are sealed and they contain the questions. Sternac will give them the answers to those questions before opening the envelopes. Howard broke out of character for a second and said that Scott the Engineer found audio of Gary talking about how CDs are better than vinyl. Howard said they'll play that later.
Howard got back into character and put on his head. Howard said ''May your company sign you to a contract and not pay you.'' Sternac then gave the first answer. He said it was 'Ronnie and Minnie.'' Howard then opened the envelope and said ''Name two drivers that shouldn't be famous.''
Sternac then said ''Sink or Swim.'' The question was ''What is Ted Kennedy's dating philosophy?'' Howard got a laugh out of that one. Robin did too.
Sternac said the answer was ''Two thumbs up.'' Sternac then read the question which was ''How Gary proves to people that he's fully evolved.''
Sternac gave the next answer which was ''F, Marry, Kill.'' The question was ''The perfect title for OJ's Biography.''
Sternac said he waited 7 years to do this. Howard gave the next answer which was '''Holy cow.'' The question was ''What do you call Jon Hein in a yarmulke?''
Sternac said the next answer is ''The Black Keys.'' Sternac said the question was ''How does Madonna's Mexican maid refer to Madonna's children?'' Howard didn't get it. Fred had to explain that it's like ''The blackies.'' Howard said he wanted to take that one back.
Sternac said the answer was ''Betty White.'' He opened the envelope and the question was ''What did the African American say before the new pope was announced?''
Sternac said the next answer was ''James Earl Ray.'' The question was ''Name 3 guys George Takei fucked back in his day.''
Sternac said the next answer was ''Diamond Towel.'' The question was ''How Crackhead Bob pronounces Simon Cowell.''
Sternac said the next answer was ''Red bull and Catholic Priests.'' The question was ''Name something that comes in little cans.''
The next answer was ''I feel like a kid again.'' The question was ''What did the priest say an hour after sleeping with the boy?''
Sternac's next answer was ''The NY Jets and a tampon.'' The question was ''Name two things that don't have a second string.''
Sternac's next answer was ''Cash cow.'' The question was ''How Kanye West asks Kim Kardashian for money.''
The next answer was ''Hand lotion, chicken nuggets and 4 day old lotion.'' The question was ''What does it smell like in JD's work cubicle?''
Sternac had Robin rap up the bit with the last envelope. Sternac then said the final answer is ''USDA.'' The question was ''How does Beetlejuice recite the alphabet?'' They wrapped up the bit and
Howard came back sounding grossed out by that last clip. He said that he liked the sexy saxophone playing though. Fred let that play for a few more seconds.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who asked if JJ Abrams or Jon Favreau is the better director. Howard said he loved Star Trek but they're saying it didn't do that well. Robin said it made $70 million. Howard said Iron Man is more open to the public. Howard said Star Trek was really good. Robin said she saw it and loved it. Robin said she saw it in 3D but not in Imax. Mark asked what he thought of the action in Star Trek. Howard said the thought it was great. Mark said that the action in Iron Man was great too. Robin said Jon Favreau didn't direct Iron Man 3. Mark didn't know that.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked when they start showing AGT taped shows. Howard said he think it's June 4th. He said he's going to Vegas in a couple of weeks for the voting in of the final acts. Howard said he has a lot of homework to do before that.
The caller asked if he talked to NBC about High Pitch Eric and The Biggest Loser. Howard said no. He said he needs someone to remind him about it. He said Eric is fat and funny enough for the show. He said he would bring it up.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked who he liked best last week. Howard said they had so many great gusts. He said that each interview was very special to him. He said Rod Stewart, Roger Daltrey were right up there. He said ZZ Top is great and he loves that band. He said he loves talking music with those guys. Howard said Daltrey was tremendous to talk to. He said he would have loved another 2 hours with him. He said Jimmy Kimmel was a lot of fun too. He said that JJ Abrams is a fascinating guy and it was a great week all around. Howard said he didn't have a favorite moment.
Howard said Sirius has given him the luxury of being able to spend a lot of time with his guests. He said he doesn't have to worry about spot breaks and things like that. He said that it's fabulous and unique to be working there. Howard said he knew it would be a new era for the show. Howard said they don't have to worry about the language or anything like that. Howard said they don't have to censor anything. Howard said people thought things were going to be insane there but the real beauty is the idea that they can do a show without structure. Howard said it's right up his alley.
The caller said it was great that he could spend so much time with the guests last week. He said Howard can say and do whatever he wants too. Howard said people thought they'd be pouring beer down people's assholes when they got there. The caller said that was a great moment. Howard said it really was. He said they didn't spill a drop. The caller said that was a highlight for him.
Howard said he hopes the Star trek movie makes money so they can make another one. Robin said it'll be fine. It's supposed to be doing very well overseas.
Howard said they did a thing where they asked the staff what songs make them cry. Howard said Robin's is very weird. Robin said she knows. She said she has a story that goes with it. Robin said that something traumatic happened and the music just happened to be out at the time. Robin said her parents fostered children and this baby was taken away that she had fallen in love with. Robin said this child used to go on daily trips to meet his new family and then he'd come back. Robin said he finally went away and this song just happened to be out. Howard said it was the Fifth Dimension and the song is ''One Less Bell To Answer.'' Robin said this boy's name was Jimmy. She said there was one less thing to do when he left. Howard asked if she was crying yet. Robin said she might get choked up. Robin said all she did was cry and cry for weeks after he was gone. Robin said she would play this song over and over again. Robin said she did cry a few weeks ago when this song came on.
Howard said he can't imagine that Fred cries over anything. Howard said he's not seeing Fred on there. Fred said there really isn't anything. Howard said he put down two songs. He said that the BB King singing in Primitive Radio Gods ''Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand'' really gets him. Howard said he doesn't like this song one bit but the BB King part gets to him. Howard said he's heard the actual song, ''How Blue Can You Get'' but that doesn't get him like this song does. Howard said the rest of this song sucks but the way they included it in the song really gets him.
Howard said Beth caught him listening to this song that makes him sad. He said she asked him why he was listening and he said he needed to wallow in sadness. He said he just needed to do it. Howard said he wants to feel something. Robin said he could feel happy. Howard said he wants to feel sadness. He said that the song is ''Hurt'' by Trent Reznor with Johnny Cash. Howard said he was listening to the Johnny Cash version when Beth caught him. Howard said she thought he was nuts and walked out of the room when he told her why he was listening.
Howard said that the theory is that the song was about a heroin addict. Howard played the song and told Robin where it gets him. He said Beth walks in happy swinging a picnic basket and he's all upset.
Howard said the BB King song from that other song isn't as good when it's played on its own. Howard played that for Robin too. Robin said he's right. She said they need that other goofy stuff to go along with it.
Howard said Gary's song is Elton John's song ''The Last Song'' because it makes him think of his brother. Gary said he won't do that again. He said that they should get DePace in there to play his gay song. Gary said the video for that song was actually what got him.
Howard said Benjy's song is ''You Were Always On My Mind'' by Willie Nelson. Howard said he gets that. Benjy said that he and Elisa dance to that song and they both start crying. Howard said they're two nut jobs dancing around the living room. Howard said he gets that with this song. He said he would cry if he were Benjy.
Howard asked if they cared about anyone else's song. Gary asked Howard to please talk about Scott DePace's. Howard said his is really weird. Howard said it's Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks. Howard played some of that song and laughed. Howard asked who would listen to that. Howard said this is bubble gum music and it's hard to feel anything.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer's is ''It Goes'' by Billy Joel. Howard said he can relate to this one. He said he can't relate to Terry Jacks. Howard played some of Billy's song and said he wishes that he would come over to his house and play this stuff.
Gary said that JD's song is a Queen song and he can't bring himself to talk about Freddie Mercury's death. JD came in and said that he thinks about his own death all the time. JD said he doesn't really cry to songs. He said he cries to movies. He said that this song does get him down though. The song was ''Days of our Lives'' and that was their last song. He said that Freddie died a few months after doing this song. JD said he was watching a lot of documentaries about Queen back then because Freddie was dying. He said he got into that stuff back then.
Howard said he heard that JD wanted to do a documentary. Howard said he thinks it's funny that he wants to direct something like that when he hasn't directed anything yet. JD said he knows. He said he just wants to be left alone. That led to Fred doing his JD impression and goofing on him a little bit.
Howard said that's about it for the staff crying songs. They played JD out with a song parody called ''Mush Mouthed Man'' to the tune of ZZ Top's ''Sharp Dressed Man.'' Howard said that's a good song.
Gary told Howard to give Jon Hein's song. Howard said Jon's is an instrumental by Ingred Michelson. Howard said that's worse than Scott DePace's. Howard played that song and wondered if he knew that one. Howard said he figured Cheeseburger in Paradise would be Jon's song. Howard asked Jon how he knows this song. Jon said it was in a commercial a few years ago and they show a girl going to college and it reminded him of his own daughters. Jon said this song is playing in the background of the ad.
Howard asked where his daughter is going to college. Jon said she's going to Penn State. He said she means everything to him. Howard said he has something going here. Howard said she's going to be hours and hours away. He asked if that gets him. Jon said it does. Howard asked what he'd like to say to his daughter. Jon said he'd just say that he loves her. Howard kept trying to get Jon to cry. Jon was holding it together. Howard left the music playing and kept talking about his little girl growing up. He said it's going to be very painful. Howard said he thinks that Jon is in tears. Jon said he's close. Howard asked if he will drive her to school. Jon said he will of course. Howard said he'll have to say goodbye to her. Goodbye, Rachel. Howard stayed quiet for a few seconds. Howard said she won't call him every day. He said that she'll always be his little girl. She's going to meet some guy and she'll be with him. Jon said that's a whole other emotion. Jon said he was close to crying. He said he did get choked up. Howard asked what he could have done to make him cry. Robin said he should start the song from the start again. Robin said it's funny that a TV commercial is the thing that made Jon cry.
Gary said that Richard says that he'll cry if he plays his song. His song is by Dream Academy and it's called ''Power to Believe.'' Howard said Richard is such a mental patient that he will cry. Richard said that he has the version of the song that was in ''Planes, Trains and Automobiles'' that makes him cry. He said the end of the movie is so sad that it makes him cry. He said that Steve Martin gets on the train and thinks about the good times they had. Richard was starting to cry as he was describing the movie. Richard said that Steve and John Candy are good friends in the movie and Steve goes on his own way. He said he thinks about the past things in the movie and realizes that John Candy doesn't have a home. Richard said he was a big fan of John's growing up and that makes him sad. Howard said Richard is so wacky. He said he's crying that he hired such a moron. Richard said he was doing this for the bit. Howard said he was really crying. Howard said he can't believe that he's crying over John Candy. Richard said he loved the movie. He got upset about Cotton Hill dying on the cartoon ''King of the Hill.'' Richard said that cartoon reminded him of growing up. He said he just wanted to do good for Howard. Howard said he's glad someone had some tears.
Howard said he comes close to crying but never does. He said he's not a big pussy like Richard. Howard said tomorrow they'll have Richard tasting beer with his ass. Robin said they can't give him too much because he did get buzzed from that little bit of beer he had last week. Richard said JD is a good bartender. Richard said Sal called him the Butt-tender. Howard said Richard is crying now. He said he cries when Halloween ends too. Richard said he gets bummed but doesn't cry. He does cry at the end of the movie ''Halloween'' though because it's such a great ending. Howard told him to get out of there. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Sal is upset that JD is going to be the beer pourer tomorrow for Richard's ass. Howard said that he hasn't been this jealous since Sarah Silverman smelled his stinky balls. Howard said they've heard from a few sponsors who want Richard's ass.
Howard said that they say in the Daily Mail newspaper that your penis shrinks as you get older. Howard said he can't accept that. He said that's just not right.
Howard said it's time for Robin's news. Fred played Robin in with the song parody ''Sittin On My Cock All Day'' by Psych.
Howard said the mayor of Toronto was caught smoking crack on video. Howard said he's not sure if that's true or not but that's what he read. Howard asked if that's true. JD said that Gawker is trying to buy the rights to the video but it's just a still shot right now. They played JD in with his song parody where the guy sings and mumbles his lyrics.
Robin said she just saw the picture of the mayor and said that he looks like a guy the size of Chris Christie. Howard said he is pretty fat. Robin said he's seen in a room wearing a white shirt and inhaling what appears to be a glass crack pipe. Howard said he must not be as cute as the Boston bomber.
Howard said they played that clip of the Boston Bomber question where the guys asked if women would rather sleep with him or the Boston Bomber. Howard said he did pretty well against the kidnapper from Cleveland. Howard said some people actually said they'd rather let the kidnapper baby sit their kids. Howard played the audio of those interviews Sal and Richard did. Some of the women picked Howard but others said they'd go with the Cleveland guy. Howard said that he is available for babysitting. Howard said he counted at least 3 that said they'd rather let the Cleveland guy baby sit.
Robin read about the Powerball jackpot getting up to $600 million. Robin said there was one winning ticket drawn in Florida. Robin said people who buy lottery tickets might be called losers by Howard but now someone is $600 million richer. Howard said he's talking about all of the people who bought tickets and didn't win. Howard said you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning. Howard said for everyone else it's not going to work out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was watching Family Guy on FOX and they had Howard, Howie and Sharon as judges on America's Got Talent. Howard said he looked horrible as a cartoon character. Robin said she has to see that. The caller said Seth did a great job with it. Howard said he's really made it now. He's a part of pop culture.
Robin said a woman screwed up the National Anthem at a hockey game. Robin had the audio of that. It was really bad. Howard said it was awful. Robin said that the audience was singing trying to help her out. She really didn't know any of the lyrics halfway through the song. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the guy who founded Tumblr might be getting $1.1 billion when Yahoo buys him out. Robin said the guy is only 26 years old. Howard said that they say Yahoo is paying 1.1 billion but people say that they could never turn a profit with that site. Howard said they don't think it could even succeed on mobile devices. Howard said he's not sure how that works. Robin said it might be just part of it's arsenal as what they offer. Robin said all she knows is that the kid is 26, he dropped out of school and started this business in his mother's house. Robin said when you see a kid drop out of school and do that it must inspire others to do the same thing.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that the new HowardStern.com is great and she loves that they have Howard 100 News in video now. She started to scream so Howard hung up on her. Howard got in a plug for the Hottest Chick, Biggest Fan contest that they have coming up soon. They're looking for contestants now.
Robin said she's no longer going to ignore the weather in the rest of the country. Robin said after Hurricane Sandy she realized how important it is to pay attention. Robin said some tornadoes hit over the weekend in the south and at least one person died. Robin said that a lot of people are homeless. Robin said there are some storm chasers who follow stuff like this. Robin had some audio of some storm chasers talking about how horrifying it was. Howard asked who would do that. Robin said there are people involved in all kinds of wackiness. Howard said he just realized who he was talking to. Robin said they're expecting more bad weather out there too. Howard said he figured we'd be able to control the weather by this point.
Howard said he has a great story to read. He said Gary handed it to him. He said it kind of pisses him off. He said that Angelina Jolie has said people want to interview her since she got her titties removed. Howard said she has said she will do the Today Show if Ann Curry interviews her. Robin said ''Oh, Jeez.'' Howard said that was his reaction too. He said if they do that then they're insane. Howard said she doesn't know the circumstances of what went down there. He said you can't make demands like that. Robin said that can't be real. Howard said it is real. He said that it's from RadarOnline.com. Robin said they usually check their sources.
Howard said that the Rush song ''Spirit of Radio'' is about radio. He said he got a note about that. Howard read what they were saying in the article and how they came up with the lyrics. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard played a Ronnie the Limo Driver sexy tip. Then he took a call from Angry Black who asked if he had any advice for him. He said he has gout and he's only 34 years old. Howard said that's an old man's disease. Angry Black said there is no greater pain than that in your ankle. Howard said the guy is in pretty good shape. Robin said it's the build up of the waste products in your system. Angry said he's not in as good shape as he used to be. Howard said he must eat a shitty diet. Howard said he has to change the diet. Angry said he is starting up that stuff. Howard said he doesn't need his advice.
Richard came in and said he had gout. He said it really is painful. He said he had a needle in his foot to ease the pain. He said he had to drink a lot of cherry juice too. Angry said that's what he was told too. Howard said it's a dietary thing. Howard told Angry to just talk to his doctor and fix it. Angry said he's embarrassed. Howard said he really has to go. He said that was a silly conversation.
Howard said that people tweet his wife about their pets being sick and she tells them to go to a doctor. Howard said that's what Angry Black should do. Go to a doctor. Howard said if he had gout he'd go by the rule book to get out of that situation. Howard said he's not sure what there is to ask there. He said you work out, eat right and maintain that thing called your body.
Benjy told Howard that the Angelina Jolie thing is a year old. He said that they say that they want Ann Curry to get the interview now even though Angelina said she would do it back in August. Howard said she has it made. NBC paid her 10 million and she doesn't have to work. Howard said he'd love that.
Robin read about some graduations that are happening and about some of the special guests that are speaking. Robin said that President Obama made a speech at one graduation. Robin had some audio of that. Robin said that Obama singled out a graduate at this graduation. Robin said that person was very honored to be chosen. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about a hate crime that was done on the streets of New York City this weekend. Robin said that a guy was arrested for allegedly shooting a guy in the face during an argument with some gay men.
Robin said some parents are urging their kids to stay home from school on Harvey Milk day this week. Robin said they think that the schools are trying to brainwash the kids.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the concentration camps they have in North Korea. Howard said he doesn't hate North Koreans. He said he feels bad for them. Howard said they have this douche bag son of the guy who was enslaving them for years. Howard said the guy looks like a tiny, fat Psy. Howard said it's an awful position to be in. Howard said these poor people are enslaved by a lunatic's son. Howard said that anyone in this country who complains should be sent to North Korea. The caller said that Howard is the only one in media who challenges God and the way people think. Howard said he doesn't challenge God. He said he thinks he'd lose that.
Robin read about the Jodi Arias case and how they're going through the penalty phase of her case. Robin said they're figuring out if she will get life or not.
Robin read about a guy who tied up and drugged his girlfriend for a month. Robin had some audio of some people talking about the case. Robin said the woman is recovering.
Howard said that they say that OJ is close to getting a new trial. He said he's not sure how that happens. Howard said the guy is so fat now he's not sure how he could kill anyone and get away with it.
Howard said that Robert Patinson and Kristin Stewart have broken up. Robin said she had that written down. Howard said Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are back together too. Robin said that she read that Kristin threw Robert a birthday party and he didn't show up. Howard said this is his payback to her for humiliating him. Robin said she thinks he's right about that.
Howard said he was reading about Kanye West freaking out about the Paparazzi. Howard said he's with a woman whose career was made by the Paparazzi. Howard said that she's not going to be famous if she's not in the Paparazzi lens. Howard said he has the audio of Kanye freaking out and saying that he's like a modern day slave. Howard played the clip and Kanye was doing this while at the Up Front for Adult Swim. Howard said he's screaming about this stuff at an Up Front.
Robin read about a train crash that took place over the weekend. Robin said they're investigating what happened. Robin said this has caused some train cancellations.
Howard said France legalized gay marriage. Robin said she saw that. She said they said ''Oui'' to gay marriage. Howard said he hates that word. Howard goofed on the French for a short time before moving on.
Howard said he got an email about Rod Stewart talking about what a big model train enthusiast he was. Howard said that they say that Neil Young is an even bigger model train fan and he bought Lionel trains to keep them from going out of business.
Robin read a story about how deaf people can order a pizza through a relay operator now. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about how the service works. Howard said he was just reading that you can make $33,000 to $60,000 being a deaf interpreter. Howard said that's pretty good and it can't be that hard.
Robin read about some box office takes for Star Trek and movies like that. Howard said he hopes that they keep Star Trek going. He said he isn't that interested in Star Wars though. He said that he never really did. Howard said they have special powers and then they don't and there is no reason for it. Howard said sometimes they could do stuff and sometimes they couldn't. Howard said they were pretty good. Robin said the first one was good. The rest sucked. She said JarJar Binks and the Ewoks all sucked. Robin said they have to go all the way back and ignore all of the stuff that came after the first one.
Robin read about The Hangover Part 3 and Fast and Furious 6 are coming out this weekend. Robin said they should make a ton of money. Robin said they're both hitting theaters the same weekend. Robin wondered who will win. Howard said Hangover 3. Robin said she's not sure about that. Howard said the car movies are like the dumbest thing ever. He said they're grown men racing and carrying on. He said they should go get a job. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Jon if he's heard a song by Dolly Parton. Jon hadn't heard of that. The caller explained it and said it was very depressing. He said the other one was The Killing of Georgie that was also depression. Jon said that Seasons in the Sun is depressing too but it's a 70s bubble gum song. He said that Robin's song was by the Fifth Dimension and why it makes her cry. Jon said that the songs that just make you cry are the ones that get to him.
Jon said Steve Brandano had a song on the list but Howard didn't mention that. Steve said he didn't make the interesting list again. Jon and Steve talked about that for a short time. Steve said his song is ''You Are My Sunshine.'' Jon asked why that is. Steve said his mom used to sing it to him so it reminds him of her.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he was in the first Dessert Storm and a song he heard back then by Styx really got to him. He said that they made a remake of that song and it was moving to him. Jon said the song is sad but it doesn't bring him to tears.
Scott DePace came in and goofed on Jon about the song he was upset about. Jon said that the song was in a commercial that got him choked up. He said Scott said that songs don't make him cry but ''Seasons in the Sun'' makes him upset. Scott said that he thinks you're weak if you cry over a song. He said it's a little odd.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that when he heard that song that Jon cried over he started to cry too. He said that he got choked up like Jon. The caller said a Disney commercial gets to him too. He said he gets choked up whenever he hears it.
Jon asked Scott if anything brings tears to his eyes other than a death. Scott said his dog died and he took him to the place to drop the body off and his son asked where Duke was. He said he told him the dog wasn't coming home and his son kept asking when he was coming home. Scott said he started to cry over that. He said his eyes just watered up a bit. He said maybe his son would have stopped asking if he had seen him cry. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Scott is sitting in until Gary gets there. He asked Scott how he felt when Howard did Sternac. Scott said he loves Sternac. He said they were just yuking it up and it was great. Jon said that bit is still good even if you don't know where it came from. Jon said the jokes are good and it's still funny. He said he hopes they bring it back once in a while because it was very funny.
Gary came in and Scott goofed on him about his crying to a song. Gary said he can see Scott getting upset when his son goes away to college. Gary said there's noting wrong with it if you do.
Gary said he was so happy for his son that he didn't cry. He said he never got to go away to college like he did so he was so happy for him.
Jon asked Gary about how he's getting along with Scott. Gary said they're getting along okay. He said that they do throw jabs at each other once in a while. He said Scott just did that to him earlier.
Jon said that one of the things that came up today was Ronnie's sex tips. He asked if Ronnie had those written for him. Ronnie said no one wrote anything down. He said that was off the cuff. He said he cut a bunch more today. Scott asked about him putting a vibrator under his balls and if he uses the same one as his girlfriend. Ronnie said it's not dirty. Ronnie said that he doesn't stick it in his ass. He said he keeps it on the rim.
Gary asked when you know to stop. Ronnie said that you just stop. He said he has a book load of other tips. Jon asked if he's been doing these things for a long time. Ronnie said he never said he did these things. Gary said he did say he rubs the tip of his dick on a girl's nipple. Scott asked if the dick on the nipple thing works for you or the girl. Ronnie said that it works for both. He told him to try it. They talked about how Ronnie tasted his own cum by doing that. Ronnie said that in the heat of the moment you don't care what you taste. They had to take another break after that.
Jon said that April said she's not jealous of Whitney but there must be something there. Gary said that she called saying that she won the contest but she can't get on the show. Jon said April said that it's kind of sad that she's hosting the AVN awards but she sounded like she was having fun. Ronnie said he's been at those awards and he had fun. He said that Ron Jeremy was in the lobby and they were having a long conversation so they must be friends.
Gary said that April didn't have an easy life if you hear her stories. He said that she had that anal and shitting on the couch story that followed her around as a kid. Jon asked Ronnie who his favorite red head is. Ronnie said that's hard. He said he has a friend who is a red head and she's smoking hot. He said he can't think of one off the top of his head other than Tiffany.
Jon asked Ronnie if he's upset about Dick Trickle. Ronnie said the guy had issues. He said he never made it big in the Winston Cup which is now the Sprint cup. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show taking a call from Captain Janks. Janks asked if Howard thinks The Monkees belong in the Hall of Fame. Howard said without a doubt they do. Howard said they had hits that were rock and roll. He said they're not cool like the Stones but they were huge. Howard said of course they do. Howard said they had hit records so they belong in there. Robin asked if having hits is all that's required. Howard said they belong in there before Randy Newman.
Howard said they have rap, pop, blues and soul in there. He said they should call it the Music Hall of Fame. Howard said people wrote in yesterday about how the Moody Blues belong in there. Howard said it seems they don't like this orchestral rock or something. Howard said someone pointed out Emerson, Lake and Palmer. He said they're fantastic. Howard said people wrote in about Deep Purple, Yes, Cheap Trick, Jethro Tull and others. Janks added Chicago. Howard said Bad Company. Robin said Three Dog Night. Howard said Public Enemy isn't a rock band. He said Three Dog Night belongs in there before Public Enemy.
Howard read through some of the email he got about this stuff. He had more lists of bands that have been left out of the hall of fame. Howard said there are a lot of bands. Mountain is one. Howard said that Leslie West and the guys in the band belong in there. Howard said they were phenomenal. Howard said even Peter Frampton belongs in there before a lot of these bands. Howard said Humble Pie was one of the best bands he's ever heard. Howard had Fred play some ''30 Days In The Hole.'' Howard said this came out in the 70s. Howard said this was a really good band. Howard said he has to get a hold of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and get them straightened out. He let the song play for a little while. He said he has to start the Howard Stern Hall of Fame. He said he was thinking about how crazy it is.
Janks said if Howard has the Monkees in to perform he'd stick his tongue on a log of Sal's shit. Janks said that they're still touring. Howard said that Davey Jones is gone now though. Howard said he'd have to listen to some of their songs. Howard asked Fred if he had their albums there. Fred said he's looking for it. Janks wanted ''Pleasant Valley Sunday.'' Howard didn't. Fred played some of their stuff for Howard. Howard said that they didn't write a lot of their own stuff. Fred went through a list of songs for Howard and he was saying no to a bunch. He was looking for something specific but he didn't remember which one it was. Janks said it was Daily Nightly. Howard said it's really not that important.
Howard said that Ray tried to sing for The Doors after Jim died. He said that didn't really work. Howard said Ray went around talking about The Doors for the rest of his life. Howard said he's not sure what would have happened to that band if Jim had lived. He said maybe things wouldn't have worked out.
Howard said Chuck Zito was on the air last night. Howard said he was upset that these women were picking the Boston bomber over him and Chuck was upset with that too. Howard said Chuck is right on with his comments. Howard played the audio where Chuck brought up the poll. Chuck said these women are fucking stupid. He said 9 out of 10 were saying that they'd take the Boston bomber. He said they're not being American and picking Howard Stern and fuck that Boston bomber. Chuck said they should be ashamed of themselves.
Howard said Chuck is 100 percent right. Howard said these women are out of their fucking minds. Howard replayed some of the audio of the women picking the bomber. Howard said you can say he's disgusting but you shouldn't say that the bomber is the guy you'd go with. Howard said they should be saying that they wouldn't even look at a guy like that.
Howard said Chuck was right on with his comments. Howard played more of what he was saying. Chuck was talking about what the bomber did and how wrong it is for the women to pick him over Howard. He said it's disrespectful to the whole country and he'd like to slap them all in the face.
Howard said Richard is going to try and sample different beers with his asshole today. He said people have been sending in song parodies about it. Howard played one of those songs. It was to the tune of a Pink Floyd song. Howard said that was Eli Braden. He said he seems distracted by Richard's asshole. Howard said Fred can play that today if they do the beer tasting.
Howard played another parody about Richard's ass to the tune of a Def Leppard song. Howard said he's not sure he's singing the right song. He said it's really bad but he loved it. Howard said that's Kim Chen. Howard played one more and said they got a lot of them. He thanked people for sending those in.
Howard played a prank call that their intern made to the Riley Martin show the other night. The intern offered to blow Riley for one of his Symbols. Riley turned it down. Howard said that was Umar the intern.
Howard said they took the audio of the guy from Rush doing that ''Blah, blah, blah'' speech and made a prank call. Howard said they called a Chinese restaurant with that clip. He said it's the dumbest thing you've ever heard. Howard played the call and the guy at the restaurant was trying to understand what he was saying. That didn't last long but you don't expect it to.
Howard said yesterday they were talking about Jennifer Lawrence's stalker leaving voice mails for her parents. Howard said they now have the tapes. Howard said this is the stalker stalking her. Howard said this is scary stuff. Howard played the bit they created where they used Gary's ''Hello, hello'' tapes to leave messages for Jennifer. They broke it up so the speech was different messages. Howard said that's an exclusive. Howard said if you recognize that gentleman's voice then please call them. Howard said that was just awful. What a pervert. Howard said only a complete nut would utter those words over and over again. Howard said he should have been locked up after ''Hello, hello.'' Howard said that's just an insane person.
Howard took a call from a woman who was blow drying her hair when he picked up. The caller asked about the hottest chick, biggest fan contest. Howard said that they have that going on and all you have to do is go to SiriusXM.com/Howard for the rules. The caller said that a girl between 25-30 is going to be hotter than a 40 year old. She asked if she can be a bigger fan if he started on the air in 1980. Howard said it doesn't matter. The caller said Howard called her hot at an AGT taping. Howard said he tells women that all the time. Howard said he's a complete fucking idiot. The caller said that she's 43. She said she's been listening for a long time. Howard said Beth is hot and she's 40. Howard said he's doing the Katie Couric show and she's like 56 and looks unbelievable. The caller said that Howard has strippers and porn stars on the show all the time.
Howard asked the caller what his middle name is. She was thinking but wasn't able to come up with it. Gary said that's the kind of question they ask to get into the contest. Howard asked what Robin's middle name is. She said Ophelia. Howard told her to leave him alone after he asked again what his middle name is and she didn't come up with it.
Howard asked what his fake name was in college radio. The caller said that was hard. She said she is a super fan. Howard said she might have a better chance with the hottest chick,biggest Imus fan. Howard said his middle name is Allan. He said his radio name was Miles August. The caller asked Howard to please look at her application. Howard asked Gary if they have looked at it yet. Gary said they're waiting for everyone to send theirs in. The caller, Anissa, said that she's sending her's in now.
Howard said that the guy who stated Tumblr sold the company and got like $250 million himself. Howard said he hasn't used Tumblr but he hates that they spell it that way. Robin said that no one is going to know how to spell eventually. Howard said everyone is so cute with that crap. He said he has Facebook and Twitter and he uses those under protest. Howard said he's never used Tumblr so he's not sure why he'd use it. Robin said she's not sure why people use any of this stuff.
Anissa said that she sent the email just now. Howard asked Gary if they have it. Anissa said she has called in before and she sent in a YouTube video and about 10 pictures. She said she's called in many times before. She said Howard has told her he remembers her. Howard said he doesn't remember her now. She insisted she's a super fan.
Howard asked what the call letters of the station in Hartford were. Anissa didn't remember. Howard asked JD if he uses Tumblr. Howard said that Anissa would bomb out in this contest. Howard said if you're a fan then you'd know that. Howard asked Anissa what his parents names are. She said Ben and Ray.
JD came in and said he doesn't use Tumblr. JD said it's a blog site and he's not big on blogging. Howard said his blog is there so he's not going to use that. Gary came in and said they can't find Anissa's email. Howard said that's great, they're having a contest and they can't find her email. Howard played a JD song parody about his mumbling.
Gary said they found the email. Anissa said she wasn't ready for an evaluation this morning. She said she and a friend have been talking about the contest and how a 25 year old won't remember stuff from that long ago. Howard told her to hold on.
Gary said she's hot for 43. Anissa said that hurt. Howard looked at her pictures and Gary said she's very pretty but with her knowledge she's not going to be able to compete. Howard said she could be 15 pounds overweight. Howard said she's not getting in a bikini. She said she wears a one piece sometimes. Howard said he might be nice on AGT but he won't be there in the studio. Howard said she has to be kidding. Gary said there is no bikini picture.
Gary said Howard hit it right on the head. He said she has a nice face but she'd have to lose some weight to compete. Gary said she'd need until December to get into shape.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that she should be in the Most Annoying Cunt contest. He said he'd rather listen to an hour of Big Foot than this bitch. Anissa said she didn't call in to entertain him. The guy told her to get the fuck off the phone.
Howard said that Anissa is cute. She said she has to go to work. She said she has been listening every day since 1986. Howard told her to go back to blow drying her hair.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Tumblr is used for porn. He said that's what a lot of people use it for. He said anything specialty you're looking for can be found on there. Howard said he gets it. The caller said that porn is the only thing that makes money on the web now. Howard said he was beating off last night to YouPorn. He said they must make money somehow. He said it's such a good service.
Howard let Anissa go and said she's very nice. He said she's hot too. He said this is ''AGT Howard'' speaking now. Howard said she actually is cute though.
Howard said he sat there watching this porn and then this big, fat chick comes in as the babysitter. Howard said he had to move on to the next clip. He said in another clip the girl was so skinny she looked like she hadn't eaten in a year. Howard said he had to move on to another one after that. He said he thinks he's gotten through every Doctor/Patient porn on there so he's done with those. He said there's one where this Japanese doctor gets a lady in and has her strapped in on the gyno table. He said he thinks he's doing illegal stuff to her. He said he starts fucking her with his little cock and he ends up beating off to that. Howard said he likes that because the woman has big boobs.
Gary said he's on a different site and it's creepy because you can flag your favorites. He said you have to log in to do that. He said he refuses to do that. Gary said that site is called Submit Your Flix. Howard said he has to remember that. Gary said he'll send him an email with the name of the site. Howard said he can't imagine signing up for that and flagging ''teen anal.''
Howard said he saw one video where this disgusting guy was hiring a babysitter and telling her to feed the baby and stuff like that. Howard said they never have the kids in the videos. Howard said the guy in the video has long hair and you know he doesn't have a job. Howard said this girl has big tits. He said the last babysitter they had was drinking so the guy asks her if she's going to be drinking. Howard said the guy leaves and the girl goes right to the liquor cabinet and drinks a whole bottle of Jack Daniels. Howard said he loves the scenarios like that. He said she goes and drinks a second bottle after that. Howard said it's unreal. Gary asked who the babysitter is, Artie?
Howard said the guy comes back and gets upset with the chick. Then she says he has to fuck her. Two seconds later the chick is lap dancing for the guy. Howard said the girl is lap dancing and rips off her shirt. Howard said the girl is blowing him forever and then he thinks he blew a load around there. Howard said he hates blow job scenes though. He said it's too much cock. He said he hates when the girl is on the guy and you see too much vagina. He said it's disgusting. He said he likes doggy style and that's what he gets into. He said he was done after seeing all of that.
Howard said he just wants to get into bed and watch Game of Thrones. He said he had to get the poison out so he could do that. He said everything is exhausting. He said even that is exhausting. He said he has to do it though. He said it's just so exhausting to do all of this stuff.
Howard said he has to go to the bathroom and wipe and clean everything. He said everything is a chore. Robin said it's a ritual or a chore. Howard said he hates all of that. Robin said it has to be done. Howard said he wishes he could have more enjoyment. Robin said she could tell him to appreciate it. Howard said he does.
Howard said he has to take a break after taking a call. He said they have Oksana coming in after that. He said he's not sure what she's promoting. someone told him that she has an album out. Howard said he didn't know she was a singer.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Submit Your Flix site is home made porn. Howard didn't know that. He said he doesn't like those. Howard said they might be professional but they make them look amateur. Gary said it's not all amateur. He said he likes that stuff though. Howard said he'd love to see Gary watching that stuff. Howard asked if Oksana is there. Gary said she is. Howard said he has to get her in there.
Howard asked what Oksana is promoting. Gary didn't know. Will came in and said she has an album out. Howard wondered what she was doing with Mel Gibson. They went to break a short time later.
Oksana said she came to the states in her 20s and she learned English in London. Howard said he loves the Mel Gibson tapes and that's where he got to know her. Howard said he would play them like 50 times a day when they first came out. Howard said he couldn't believe that they were Mel Gibson. He said he was beloved. He said nothing is real after hearing that.
Howard said life happens and no one knows it more than him. He said he was a cute kid and then he ended up with this face. Oksana said he's handsome. Howard sounded thrown off by the compliment. Howard asked Oksana if she would rather sleep with him or the Boston bomber. Oksana asked why they have to sleep. Howard said that they don't have to sleep. She said she would rather be with Howard of course.
Howard said Oksana was born in Russia and then went to the U.K. Howard asked if her life was miserable in Russia. She said it wasn't. She said that she was young so it was magical to her. Howard asked if her parents moved her to England. She said she moved on her own at 20. Howard asked if she had to wait on line for toilet paper. She said she had to wait in line for groceries. She said that milk and bread were like that. She said there were fun things there though. She said they did sing along. Howard asked if she was a child prodigy. Oksana said she was a ballerina for a little while. Then she became a musician. She said she plays piano. Howard said he took piano lessons and his teacher killed himself. Howard said he begged not to teach him and to get away from him. Then he did by killing himself. Howard said he thinks the guy hung himself. He said he wasn't so upset about that because he didn't like the lessons. Howard said he doesn't think he was mentioned in the note.
Oksana said she wanted to thank Howard for his support when she was getting so much criticism. Howard said that you never treat a woman that way. He said you just don't. He said that she's the mother of Mel's child. Howard said that saying ''You should smile and blow me'' is just wrong. Howard said he's never said that to anyone. Howard asked how you smile and give a blow job. He said Mel doesn't look like Mel anymore. Howard said he will support any woman who smiles and blows Mel Gibson. Oksana said she's speechless. Howard said he means that from the heart.
Howard said Oksana is very beautiful. He asked if she's hit on all the time. She said she's not really. Howard said that she should be hooked up with a guy who worships her. Oksana said that she finds the guys who are very persistent. Howard asked what she's looking for. She said honesty. Howard said she won't find that there.
Howard asked Oksana if it's true that when men are courting a woman they're one way. Then they change after they have you in bed for a couple of months. Oksana said it happens with women too. Howard asked if she was wined and dined when she met Mel. She said she can't go into that. Howard said he would wine and dine her. Howard asked if it's too painful to talk about. Robin figured there might be a financial agreement.
Howard asked about the child Oksana and Mel have. Her name is Lucia and she's 3 years old. Howard asked if she's lonely being there in the States. Oksana said she has friends. She said she has some famous friends. Howard asked who the most famous person is. She said she didn't want to talk about that. She said they're very private.
Howard asked when she last had sex with a man. She said it's been a long time. She said she looks after her children and plays piano at home.
Howard asked how long it took to make this album. She said it was just a couple of months. Howard said he would play some of it. Howard said he has to find it. Howard said he likes vinyl. Oksana said she likes it too. She said she has 30 or 40 pieces. She said they're all in Russian. Howard said he's a big collector and he has many pieces. Howard said he visited Jack White who has a whole record store of vinyl and he was almost orgasmic over it.
Howard asked where Oksana's album is. Gary told him where it was. Howard asked what her song is about. Oksana said the song is ''Party'' and it's about celebrating her life. The song is on her album ''Love to Dance.''
Howard said that Oksana has to look for a good guy. Howard asked where she can find someone. Match.com maybe. Oksana said that her lawyer set her up for Jewish dating. Howard said that would make Mel mental. Oksana said that her mom would love that. Howard asked why. Oksana said that her mom is like a Jewish mom giving you a lot of guilt. She said that's good though.
Howard played Oksana's song ''Party'' and asked if she wrote it herself. She said she did. Howard said when she sings she's a lot louder. Howard said she's very soft spoken there in the studio. Howard gave her some plugs for her song and her album which is due out June 4th. Howard said you can find out more at Oksana.fm
Howard asked Oksana how she's going to promote the album. Oksana said that she's going to do some shows there in the city probably. Robin asked who put out the album. She said she put it out on her own. Howard asked if it cost her some bucks to put it out. She said it wasn't that much. She said that you have to have a good P.R. person. She said she has a good team helping her out.
Howard asked to see what she's wearing. She showed Howard and he said that's good. He said she needs something less on top and on the bottom. He said he's been in show business for a long time so he knows. He told her to make sure she dresses the same for J-Date. Howard said he wishes her luck with the dating thing. He said that it's not so easy to break through as an artist.
Robin asked if she's had any success with music there or in Europe. She said she did with classical music. She said she started playing at 3. Howard asked if her teachers ever tried to kill themselves. She said they never did but they were very strict. Howard said she has a lot of hope. Howard said she has to be after being with Mel. She said you have to embrace your experiences.
Oksana said that she is opening up a charity and told Howard what it's for. She said that this place is a very eerie place. Howard said she should start a charity for women who have dated Mel Gibson. Howard said that would be very special. Oksana said ''no comment'' on that. Howard said they can call it the Mel Gibson Shelter. Howard said they can only assume that every woman who has dated him has had a bad time.
Howard took a call from the guys in back who were playing JD clips telling her to pinch her nipples and things like that. Howard hung up on him after he offended her with that.
Howard gave Oksana some plugs and wrapped up with her a short time later. Howard said that she'll be performing somewhere near you with a short skirt. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said someone asked if he likes the new Captain in Star Trek. Howard said that there are a few choices and he thinks he'd have to go with Shatner as being his favorite. Howard said you have to give him his props. Robin said if she ever gets another cat she's going to name it Tiberius since that's Kirk's middle name.
Howard said that someone wrote in asking if Gary cries more to his crying song when it's on vinyl. Howard said a lot of people were happy about the return of Sternac. Howard said that someone said Robin should try to sound more like Ed McMahon. Howard said he's not sure how she'd do that. Robin demonstrated by lowering her voice. Howard told her to work on that.
Howard said he was imagining Robin masturbating to the Boston Bomber. He said that a lot of women send OJ Simpson money in prison. He has groupies. Howard said he has his own TV and tons of books. Robin said she heard that the TV was a big thing.
Howard said Robin no longer sends her panties to OJ after finding the Boston bomber. Robin said they should blame the press for this. She said that they found one cute picture of him and they keep showing it over and over again. Howard said Robin has to calm down with that. Robin said they should get a photo of the guy they dragged out of the boat that night.
Howard said he was reading about a couple of burglars who were stealing cars and their ass dialed 911. Howard said that butt dialing can happen and he's had that happen to him. He said that they dialed 911 and the operator stayed on for 45 minutes listening to the conversations and heard them talking about stealing cars and smoking dope. Howard said if you saw that in a movie you'd say it wasn't true.
Howard said there's an article in the paper about Mary J. Blige owning like 3 million in taxes. He said that they also say that Apple hides money in other countries to avoid paying taxes. Howard said that's legal though and they seem to be able to get away with murder.
Richard came in dressed in his King of the Hill underwear. Howard said that he's only doing this because people loved it last week. Howard said that Richard thinks that he can taste different beers in his ass. Richard said he's curious to find out. Howard said that JD will be pouring the beer in his ass. Richard said he was a good Butt-Tender.
Howard said they got a lot of song parodies about this. He played one ''Drinking From His Poop Shoot.'' Howard said Richard likes being nude. as soon as he heard that Richard pulled down his pants. Howard asked if he's proud. Richard said he has lost some weight and he's proud of his body. Robin said he has a little dick. Howard asked if she really thinks that's true. Howard said he's like half the size of that. Richard said it stretches and yanked on it. Howard asked Robin if she's been with guys much bigger than that. Robin said he's showing now. Will said it is bigger now. Richard said that's because he's looking at Will's ass.
Howard asked what they have to taste today. JD ran down a list of the many beers Richard brought in. He had different tasting beers like banana, pumpkin, coffee and an IPA. Richard said he hasn't done this other than the one time last week. Richard said he has crackers to cleanse his palate after each beer. Howard said they don't have to do that.
Howard played the bad song parody about Richard drinking with his ass as he was getting into position. Howard said Richard's asshole is up in the air. He asked Will if he's smelly. Will said it's better today but still disgusting. Howard told JD to pour the beer. JD said it's grosser than it was last time. He said he looks like he has two assholes. Richard said he has a Siamese twin down there.
Richard said he has a camera right above his asshole today. Will said he has a piece of skin there that looks like a tongue. Richard said it might be from aggressive wiping. Howard took a closer look at it and then got to the tasting.
Howard said if you do something like this it can kill you. He said Richard will only be sipping the beer. Howard had JD pour the first one. JD gave him a pour and spilled. Howard said he's using a cup so it's harder to do than with the bottle. Richard guessed it was the bourbon barrel aged beer. Howard said he's 100 percent correct. Howard asked how he knew that. Richard said it has a feel and it burns. He said it felt like a higher alcohol percentage.
Howard had JD pour the next one. Richard guessed it was a dark beer. He was right again. He said he felt the head on the beer. He said he felt that hit his ass cheeks.
Howard had JD pour the third one. Richard said that was a lighter ale. He said he's going to guess it's the IPA. Howard said he's right again. Howard said he's 3 for 3. Richard said he's feeling great but he's not buzzed yet.
Howard had JD pour the fourth beer. Richard said he thinks that this was the banana bread. Howard said he's wrong. It was pumpkin. Richard said that's his favorite one too.
Howard had JD give him one more. Richard said it was the coffee beer. He was right. Howard had JD pour some banana bread beer in there too. Richard took a sip in his ass. Richard said he has had a banana in his ass. Howard said he only got one wrong out of 6.
Richard said the beer didn't come out last time. He said this feels good too. Howard wondered if Zach Braff would want to pour some beer in there. Howard said maybe he will come in and do that. Richard said he is a big fan of the show. Gary said that Zach is going to take a pass on that. Howard said he's going to pass too.
Richard stood up and then got down and started licking up the beer off the floor. Howard asked why he did that. Richard said he did it as a goof.
Richard said he has a little buzz but not as big as the last time. He said maybe next time they can try this with wine. Howard said he proved Robin wrong today. Richard said this was his revenge for her saying he has a little dick. Howard said he's not that little. Robin said he probably can't even satisfy a woman with that thing. Howard said people can die from doing this so don't try it at home. Howard said you're a loser if you do.
Richard said that Benjy wanted to grow a plant in his ass. He said he's willing to try it. They were going to try growing bamboo in there. Benjy said it might take a couple of years to get a root system going. Howard said that's ridiculous. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said in honor of Ray Manzarek they're playing The Doors. Howard said Zach Braff is there too. He said that he was on the show Scrubs for 9 years. Zach came in so Howard asked if he was watching Richard tasting beer with his ass. Zach said that's one of the grossest things he's ever seen in his life. Howard said he got 5 of those things right too. Zach said the angle was right down into his asshole. Howard said they weren't faking it and he wanted people to know. Zach said she's never turned away from something like that before. He said that just should not be on TV. He said it's very intimate.
Howard said he was thinking about Zach and how he has had a blessed life. He said he was in acting camp with Jon Crier, Natalie Portman, Robert Downey Jr. and others. Zach said they weren't all there at the same time. He said that it's called Stage Door Manor. He said that if you want to act that's the place to go. Zach said he didn't care about sports at all in school. Howard asked if they thought he was gay. Zach said he's not sure but he wasn't so he had hot girls around him up there at camp. He said that none of the people Howard mentioned where there when he was at the camp. He said Josh Charles who is on The Good Wife was there. He said lots of actors who aren't household names were there. Howard said the camp should be praised based on the other names he read.
Howard said Zach grew up in New Jersey and Lauren Hill lived near him. Zach said she went to his Bar Mitzvah. He said before she became famous in the Fugees she was auditioning for acting jobs and stuff. Howard said she makes it seem like she was a ghetto girl. Zach said she wasn't at all. He said he has seen her out and she's saying ''Keeping it real for Newark'' and he's like ''Lauren?'' Howard asked what she got him for his Bar Mitzvah. Zach said he doesn't remember but she was his partner at the bar mitzvah and they were good buddies. Zach said she was very normal back then. He said she wasn't anything like she is now. Howard asked if he was jealous of the work she was getting. Zach said she was working. He said he got some work too.
Zach said he got a job at 14. He said he did a show pilot and he assumed it was going to get picked up because he didn't know that pilots could not be picked up. He said it was confusing to him. He said that it was a big let down for him.
Howard said he's blown away by this whole Lauren Hill thing. Zach said he saw her a few years ago at a charity event and she acted like she hadn't even met him. He said it was very weird. He said she acted like she never knew him but they were in all of the same classes together in high school. He said they used to run lines together all the time. He said he never hooked up with her though. Zach said she wasn't as militant as she is today.
Zach said that he ran into Mel Gibson out in L.A. He said that he doesn't want to hang out with the guy but people tell him he's a good guy. Zach said he has to really hate Jews to have it pour out of him the way it does. Howard said Mel's dad is a holocaust denier. Howard asked where he saw Mel. Zach said he has a friend who knows him and he's on a whole Mel Gibson trip. He said he was at his friend's birthday party. He said the place was filled with Jews and Israelis and Mel was there. He said he didn't like it at all so he got out of there. He said it was too weird.
Howard asked Zach if he would do a movie with Mel. Zach didn't think so. He said that it depends on his story about why he thinks that he was misunderstood.
Howard asked Zach about hanging out with the Jackson family. Zach said that Prince Michael interviewed him and it was very odd. He said he got a picture with Latoya too. Howard said they used to have her on the show and she'd bad mouth the whole family. Then she recanted the whole story years later.
Howard said Zach was a real smart kid. Zach said he was the class clown too. Howard said he has a bad rep with women. Zach said he was driving trucks as a P.A. around New York for a while. He said he couldn't get women. He said he was 18 when he got laid for the first time. Howard said he's a good looking dude. Zach thanked him for that. He said that the girls in school would fuck the jocks and then he was their buddy. He said they wanted to snuggle with him and get fucked by the jocks. He said he was the sensitive one. Zach said he would try to have sex and they'd say they had to go. Zach said it was a horrible existence.
Howard asked if he got laid at acting camp. Zach said he got to feel his first boobs there. Howard asked when he dated Mandy Moore. Zach said that was after he made ''Garden State.'' Howard said he was on Scrubs for 9 years. Zach said it was a huge show. He said he made plenty of money on the show but he didn't own it. Zach said people ask him about how to make money and the way to do it is when you own the show and it's on a network.
Zach said that Bill Lawrence was behind the show Scrubs. He said that Bill has 3 pilots that got picked up this season. Howard said he saw Bill at Jimmy Kimmel's house and he congratulated him on the Cougar Town thing and he was all happy about the 3 pilots. Zach said Bill really loves Howard too. He said people kiss his ass all the time and then he's around Howard and Bill is kissing Howard's ass. He said it's great to watch. He said Bill is going to have 4 shows on the air next year. That's impressive.
Howard asked Zach how much money he thinks Bill made off of that Scrubs show. Zach said he's not sure. He said it could be $50-100 million. Howard said he read that Zach is worth 22 million. Zach said that's just not true. He said it's way off. He said it's a lot less. He said that he did well but not that well.
Howard asked Zach about dating Mandy Moore. Zach said that was after his first season of Scrubs and then he took a hiatus to make Garden State. He said he had Natalie Portman in Garden State. He said everyone passed on the movie. He said it wasn't a traditional script. He said he just wrote a story. He said he was feeling depressed at the time and he wrote about that. Zach said he has battled depression in his life and wrote about that. He said the deal was about to fall apart and then he met this sugar daddy who wanted to get into the business. He said he liked him and Natalie in the movie. He said the budget was about $6 million at the time. Zach said the guy asked if they could make the movie for 2.5 million. He said they managed to do that. He said that they did it in 25 days for 2.5 million. Zach said the guy rolled the dice on him. He said his name is Gary Gilbert and he's gone on to be a successful movie maker. He said that he was behind ''The Kids are Alright'' and he's working on other things.
Zach said that they made the film in 25 days. Howard asked if he did it himself. Zach said he went to film school so he knew how to do it. Howard asked how much you need to know to make a film. Zach said that there are technical guys and guys who are good with actors. He said there are some who are good at both. Zach said he worked on tech stuff for 4 years and he learned how to do all of that stuff. He said now everyone does HD but back then he was learning how to do it with 16mm film. Howard said he didn't start getting laid until he was on Scrubs. Zach said he got laid in college. Howard asked if he goes on Facebook and looks at the girls that he banged and thinks about how they're not good looking now. Zach said he does like to see how women have evolved since high school. He said he's still friendly with some of those old high school buddies. Howard said Zach spent the weekend at his house. He said he's a friend. Howard said he's not even sure how he got there. Robin said he was there the last time she was there. Howard said Zach has been there a couple of times. Zach said he loves it.
Howard asked if he has a key to his house. Zach said he has been a fan of Howard's since he was a kid. He said he was driving to his house and he said he was more nervous to meet Howard than he was to meet Obama. Howard said that's why he hates getting personal with people. He said he knows that it's going to be a let down. Zach said Howard couldn't have been cooler. Howard said he showed up with his super model girlfriend. He said she had shocking pink hair.
Howard got back to Mandy Moore and asked about her again. Zach said they keep circling around to that. Howard asked if he's still in touch with her. Zach said they're cordial. He said they dated for 2 years. He said that she broke up with him. He said he loved her a lot. Zach said they were going in different directions though. Fred started to play some sad piano music for Zach as he talked about that relationship. Zach told Fred that he never plays that Beetlejuice ''Bad as Can'' song. Fred said he'll play it on the out. Zach said that was one of the best moments in the history of the show. He said he has walked around singing that song.
Howard said that he keeps bringing up Mandy Moore because he did something very noble. He said that Wilmer Valderrama was on the show and he claimed that he took Mandy Moore's virginity. Zach said he was dating her at the time. Howard said he should have called the show immediately. Zach said he knows Wilmer and he couldn't have been a nicer guy. Zach said they were drop jawed when they heard that. Zach said that he didn't take her virginity ether. He said that Wilmer didn't take it from what he can recall. Howard said that Zach confronted him about it too. Zach said he did. He said he thought it was kind of fucked up. He said it was kind of weird. He said he called him and asked him ''what the fuck?'' He said that Wilmer said it was out of context and he had to read the transcript. He said he heard the replay and it was clear what he said. He said at the time he told him to make it right and apologize to her. He said he thought it was just wrong.
Howard said that Maggie Grace claims that she was going to be on Scrubs but after Zach hit on her she said she would never work with him. Zach said he may have hit on her but he may have just flirted and hit on her. He said she was never going to be on Scrubs. He said that story just isn't true.
Zach said that he may not have been the best with women. He said that he was like a kid in a candy store. He said it was like a whirlwind of fame for him and it was crazy.
Howard said that Zach has dated women like Sarah Chalke, Bonnie Summerville and Shiri Appleby. Zach said that Shiri is the girl in the show ''Girls'' who had the load blown on her chest. He said that was very odd for him to see. He said that he was watching the show with his girlfriend and he was kind of shocked by the scene.
Howard said he saw Zach's girlfriend naked in a picture. He said that she's got a big chest. Zach said that she is nice up there.
Howard said that Zach has decided to make another movie and he's got a Kickstarter going for that. Zach said it's just his second film and it's not a sequel to Garden State. Howard asked if he made any money with Garden State. Zach said when you see the box office numbers you have to cut it in half. He said the theaters get a half and then they split up the rest of the money with the producers and all of that. He said it's not that much money. Zach said that Gary sold the film and doubled his money. He said he doubled his money over night. Howard asked why he wasn't grabbed up to make more films. Zach said he was under contract to do the TV show and it's hard to make a movie in a hiatus. He said things always happen and he wasn't able to push the movie back. He said he was juggling that and the TV show all the time. He said things would just fall apart.
Zach told Howard about a movie he was working on where he had Cameron Diaz as the star. He said he was rewriting the movie but then the head of the movie studio got fired and the next guy didn't want to make this film. He said he had Scarlett Johansson lined up to do it and then she went off to make another film. He said things just kept falling apart.
Howard asked if Zach ever went to do another TV series. Zach said he wanted to do theater and movies so he didn't. Howard said now he's got this Kickstarter.com thing going on. Zach said that you can pitch a creative idea to the world on this site and people can give money toward that idea. Zach said you ask to be backed and you can be a sponsor. Howard asked what he gets if donates. Zach said he would love to give money back to people but that's not legal yet. He said some day they may be able to do that. Zach said he doesn't want to go to jail so he's not going to say he can give money back.
Howard asked how many times a week he's having sex with Taylor. Zach said his libido isn't what it used to be but they're doing it like 3 times a week. Howard asked if Taylor would ever bring another woman into bed. Zach said he thinks she would. Zach said he wanted to have Robin in there when they stayed at Howard's house. He said he woke up at Howard's house one morning and heard Howard and Robin talking and he thought they were listening to the radio show. He said he opened his door and there was Robin and Howard just talking like they were on radio.
Howard asked Zach if he banged his girlfriend at his house. Zach said he did. He said they had to break in the house. Zach said he thinks they hooked up in the hot tub. Howard asked if he really did. Zach said he thinks they smoked pot in his hot tub too. He said he didn't know if he'd be invited back so he did everything he could while he was there. Howard asked if she shit in the hot tub. Zach said he did not.
Howard asked Zach if he would share his girlfriend with anther woman. Zach said he would. He asked Howard who wouldn't? Howard said he thinks he'd be jealous. He said he'd be afraid of Beth falling in love with the woman.
Howard asked Zach how he'd work out the girl thing with Taylor. Zach said they wouldn't do it with a friend. He said they'd go to a strip club or something. Howard said he took Beth to a strip club once and he blew a load when the stripper was dancing for Beth. Howard said he thinks that they'd go if they had other people go to the club. Zach said he'd love to go to a club with Howard. Howard said Robin went with him but she had to leave. Robin said it was disgusting. Zach said he's gone to a club and then you go and you end up seeing what these people are really like.
Howard said if Taylor did that other chick thing once a month he might marry her. Zach said once a year is more like it. Zach said he's not sure what would happen if there was another girl in the room. He said he's not sure if he'd get to fuck her or if she'd just do stuff with the girl. Howard told him to stay out of his hot tub with his disgusting life.
Howard got back to the KickStarter.com thing. Zach said he's been involved with that stuff for a long time. Zach said he backed a bike light thing on there. He said that these guys came up with a light that lit up your wheels so no one can miss you. He said you back the product and you see the process of how they're building it. He said he thought it was so cool. Howard asked how you know that they're real things. Zach said you have to believe their sales pitch. He said he could fail but you're taking a chance on it. Zach said the updates are cool and he has that bike light now.
Howard said he has no problem with this. He said Kristen Bell did this with a Veronica Mars movie. Zach said they have been trying to get that made for a long time now. He said the show runner and Kristen went to Kickstarter.com and they pitched the idea there. He said that they wanted to get 2 million dollars. He said they were going to over all kinds of stuff and they ended up getting $5.7 million in 30 days.
Howard said he has no problem with that but there is controversy over this. Zach said it's usually over the money. Howard said he would consider giving money for something like that. Zach said he went to financiers and tried to get the movie ''Wish I Was Here'' made. He said all films these days are funded based on what foreign box office sales are. He said he has no meaningful foreign box office sales are. Zach said when they put his name in there they come up with nothing. He said Gary Gilbert likes the script but he has money in other things. He said it wasn't a good time for him. Zach said then they ask you to shoot with a certain group of people and give the studio the final cut. He said that was the only deal on the table. He said he was desperate to make the movie. He said it was the day he was about to sign when the Kristen Bell thing broke. He said Rob Thomas told him that he's taking a big chance on this because it's not a well known name. He said there was a lot of skepticism if it would work or not. Howard said it's been pretty successful already. Zach said they have raised over $2 million already. He said they did that in 36 hours. Zach said that
Howard asked why he doesn't go to the studio and use that money to get bigger financing. Zach said that was the pitch. He said they have 3 days left as of today. He said he needs more money but the 2 million will go toward the movie. He said he has some other money that will come in. He said that they're currently selling it in Cannes and he may put up a million of his own money.
Howard said he thinks that people on Kickstarter are upset because he's sucking the attention away from the other projects. Howard said that he thinks that's wrong because he might see other projects that he'd want to donate to. Zach said they say he brought 20,000 people to Kickstarter. He said that they also say that more than $400,000 went to other projects over there too because of that. Zach said there are so many cool projects there. He said all he did was marshal his fan base over there.
Zach said that Kickstarter had to put out a statement about how what people were saying was just wrong. He said people don't like him or they're jealous. Zach said if you don't like him then this isn't the club for you. He said the people who don't like him have been having a field day with him. He said that they're saying that he's got money and this is ruining it for people. Zach said that on Twitter he has to block some people and many times their description says ''writer'' so maybe they're jealous. Zach said he's not sure why people are arguing with him. He said you don't have to give. He said he can't engage with the people on there.
Howard asked if Zach could add another month to his time. Zach said he can't. He said they're shooting in August so they have to get going. He said the biggest donation they got was $10,000. He said the average is around $70. He said that people like t-shirts and stuff. He said that's the kind of thing they give to the people who donate.
Zach said that he's going to have video and stories about the making of this movie as it goes along. He said he'll give people a copy of the script so they can follow along. He said he can give you cool stuff. Zach said he's going to take people on the journey of the making of the movie.
Zach said he was inspired by Howard moving to Sirius. He said that Howard knew people would love the show if he made the move. Zach said people didn't think Howard could do it but it worked. He said that's what happened with this. He said he was able to raise that 2 million in 36 hours.
Howard said that he's had a good time meeting people who listen to the show while doing AGT. He said that's been great.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's been all over the news that Zach donated money to save a theater. Zach said that's true. He said he's been spending a lot of money on Kickstarter. He said that the little theaters out there are going out of business because they can't afford the digital projectors they need. He said that they have to shut down because the projectors are $60,000. He said he gave some money to a theater that was on Kickstarter.
Howard took a call from Jeff Jarvis who said that he's a Kickstarter addict too. He said one of the controversies he's heard is that when a big name like Zach comes in takes money from other people. He asked if Zach thinks that Hollywood will come in and take over Kickstarter. Zach said other stars have tried and failed. He said that Melissa Joan Hart tried and failed. Zach said that you have to be the type of person who has a fan base that can support something like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he doesn't like what Zach is doing on Kickstarter. The caller said that Zach is saying that he doesn't want to give up final cut. He said that's something that film makers earn through their body of work. He said that Zach doesn't have that body of work. Howard said he had a hit movie though. The caller said that was only once. Howard said he doesn't get that. Howard said he's bored with the caller's conversation.
Zach said he's seen how things can get changed after a test screening. Howard said he would rather see Zach's vision than someone else's. Zach said if he's going to make a movie he doesn't want the ending to be decided by a test screening.
Howard said he has to end this party. Zach said that he loves them all there. He said even Benjy. Howard told him to leave it there. Zach said he loves Fred and his sound effect too. Howard asked if he would hire Benjy. Zach asked for what. Howard said for his movie. Zach said that if you do back the movie you'll get your money's worth.
Zach asked Howard why he hasn't done any movies. Howard said he never found a script that he liked. He said a lot of the time they want him to play Howard Stern or the scripts have just been dumb. He said he would do something if he thought it was good. He said he would like to play the enemy of Batman or Superman. Zach said that would be great.
Howard said he's going to have to start a Kickstarter to clean his hot tub after Zach was in it. Howard gave him some more plugs and went to break. They played Beetlejuice's ''This is Beetle'' as they were going to break.
Howard said they're going to be doing the news now. Howard asked Gary if they're guest free tomorrow. Gary said they are not. He said they have Bill Hader and Lisa Lampanelli. Howard said Lisa lost like 100 pounds. Fred said it's 106. Howard said he liked her fat. He said she might be too thin. Howard said he's looking forward to seeing her. He said Bill Hader is great too. He said he just retired from Saturday Night Live. Howard said he has great characters. Howard asked where Robin is. She wasn't there. Fred played the toilet flushing sound effect.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Zach wasn't going near that Benjy question after what happened last week. Benjy said all he did was give his opinion last week when Howard asked for it. Howard said he really went off on Rob Corddry. Howard said he's in the vortex once again. He played the vortex sound clip and then said that they should have put a stop to what Benjy was doing last week. He said he got out of hand and they should have put and end to it.
Howard said he has a show and he has guests in and that was insane. Benjy said all he was doing was answering questions. Howard said he took it right off the air and had it cut out of the replay. Howard said he didn't like that. The caller said that taking it off the air made people want to hear it even more. Benjy said he liked it. Howard said he should get his own show then.
Howard said the whole conversation was wrong. He said that Gary and Jon should have cut him off. He said he has guests and he doesn't need that anymore. Howard said it was enough. Benjy said it wasn't crazy. Howard said if he was working anywhere else he wouldn't be allowed to do that. Howard said he could have just said if he doesn't like him then fine. Benjy said Howard would respond the same way. Howard said he doesn't need that stuff on the Wrap Up Show. Benjy said it was great radio. Howard said it wasn't for him.
The caller said that Benjy was one of his favorites on the show. Benjy said he can't trust his judgment if that's the case. Howard said he blames Jon and Gary just as much as Benjy with that whole thing. He said it wasn't all Benjy's fault.
The caller also said that Jason said they were auditioning people for Benjy's job. Howard said that pissed him off too. He said that was way out of line. He said it's just not true.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Ralph has weaseled his way back into his summer house. Howard said no. The woman cheered. Howard said that Ralph isn't a good house guest. He said he has begged him to behave at his house but he must have a secret hatred of him. He said even Ralph isn't aware of it. He said that it does upset him. He said he has had Robin to his home and she behaves. Howard said he had to get out of this conversation after she said something about him giving Ralph some of his John Varvatos clothes.
Howard said Benjy has to get a thicker skin. He said he doesn't blame him entirely either. He said Jason was out of line too. He said he'd like to talk about this with them but he doesn't have the time.
Benjy said that he's extremely thick skinned. Howard said he is fat skinned, not thick skinned. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he was aggravated by someone who said she wanted to shoot Hillary Clinton in the crotch or something. Howard asked where that was. JD came and told him where it is. They played JD in with a couple of song parodies about his mumbling.
Howard played the clip and this guy was talking about what he thinks Hillary Clinton is responsible for and how he thinks she should be shot in the vagina and he'd like to be the one to do it. Howard said this guy has anger issues. He said he really wants to shoot his mother in the vagina. The guy was accusing her of killing many Americans. Howard said that's such a terrible thing to say. He said that she was a terrific senator. Howard said this guy is out of line. Howard said these conservatives hate so many things. Howard wondered how anyone wants to get into politics after something like that. Howard said you have to worry about someone threatening to shoot you in the vagina.
Howard said he knows Bubba shocked the puss but this is outrageous. Howard said he just got a note that this is an online show. Howard said it's just some guy in his basement. JD said the guy is still out there and he must have some followers. Howard told JD to get out of there. They played him out with another song parody.
Howard asked Robin what she had in the news. Robin read a story about an 18 year old girl who was in a sexual relationship with a 15 year old girl. She said that the 15 year old's parents were upset that their daughter was gay and the next thing the other parents knew was that their 18 year old daughter was being charged. Howard said 18 year olds should not be with 15 year olds. Howard said at his age a 20 year gap is fine. He said in high school it's not okay. He said when he was about 16 or 17 he had a friend who told him about some 13 year old girl who had a crush on him. Howard said he knew it was wrong at the time. Howard said he was freaked the hell out by that. He said it was a little girl. She was only 13. Howard said at 18 you can't date a 15 year old. Howard said maybe a 17 year old or a 19 year old. Howard said you can't go with a 15 year old. Robin said she just wondered what Howard thought of that. Robin said the girl was kicked out of high school. Howard said you have to draw the line somewhere. Robin said that the girl just turned 18 and they think the parents of the 15 year old waited until then to file charges. Robin said that they're offering a plea deal right now and she could end up behind bars for 10 years and be registered as a sex offender. Howard said that's taking it a little far. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about this guy Kai the Hatchet wielding hero. Robin said he was in a video online and he was a big hit. Howard said he was funny. He was on Jimmy Kimmel's show. Robin said he has been arrested for murder. Robin said that he posted on Facebook about going to sleep and discovering that you had been sexually assaulted. Someone wrote back to him and said that they'd probably take a hatchet to him. Kai responded with something like ''I Like the way you're thinking.'' Robin said this guy was killed and they think Kai did it. Robin said that Kai was picked up in Times Square by this guy and taken to his home. Howard said they say that Kai looks like Ralph too.
Howard said there's something going on with Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber and his show of affection toward Selena Gomez. Robin had a story about Nicole Kidman making out with her husband on the red carpet at some event. Robin said she didn't think she needed that in the news. Robin said that seems to be an incredibly loud cry for attention. Howard said Robin is very upset about it. Robin said it's so calculated. She said it's like they're trying to get into the paper. Howard said that and the Oklahoma tornadoes upset him. Robin said she'll get to that in a moment.
Robin read about a guy who is accused of having sex with a 6th grade student. Robin said that happened at least half a dozen times according to the story. Howard said that's just wrong. There is no grey area with that.
Robin brought up the tornadoes that hit out in Oklahoma. Howard said that he hates nature. He said we need to dominate nature. Robin said they are saying that at least 91 people have died. At least 20 of them are kids. Robin said that the town is called Moore. Robin said that they're expecting more severe weather out that way today. Robin said they could see more tornadoes today. Robin said they could still find more survivors. Howard said he would be the worst in a situation like that.
Howard had some audio of a Wichita, Kansas news team evacuating the building to a shelter. The news crew said they would keep talking as long as they could but then they got out of there. Howard said that's no nonsense there. Robin had some audio of people talking about the Oklahoma tornado. Robin had audio of a child talking about her experience when her school was destroyed. Howard said she's awfully well spoken for an 8 year old.
Robin read about the guy from Tumblr who is worth about $250 million after selling the company. Robin said there's a cartoon in the Daily News today about that guy and how it's inspiring kids to try the same thing as he did like dropping out of school. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read about the Jodi Arias case and what's going on with that. Howard mentioned that North Korea launched another missile but someone needs to tell them where we're located because they're way off.
Robin asked Howard if he would prefer a baby crying or a person with body odor on a plane. Howard said he'd pick B.O. Robin said they had a poll that said people would prefer a baby. Howard said you can't hit a baby. He said you can hit a stinky person. Howard said he can put his head in his jacket and hide the stench. Howard said they've worked with people who smell bad in the past. He said it's a stench that's second to none. He said you can't function. Howard said a screaming baby is the worst. He said they never stop.
Robin said that Seth MacFarlane has said no to another Oscar hosting job. Howard said he didn't get the sense that he was having a good time on that show. Robin said Seth tweeted his decision on Monday. He suggested that they go to Joaquin Phoenix as the next guy. Howard said just go back to Billy Crystal.
Robin said Microsoft is taking the wraps off the next Xbox gaming console. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how they're looking forward to this. Howard said he knows that Scott DePace likes that stuff but it's getting a little long in the tooth for him. Scott said he thinks they're making the announcement at 10 (1pm East) this morning.
Howard said he used to play games but he gave them up in his 30s. Howard said it was enough for him. He said you have to have a lot of fucking time on your hands to do that. Robin said that Richie Sambora has left Bon Jovi. Howard said that happened a long time ago. Howard said Richie didn't show up for a show a while back and it's been going on for a while now. Howard said those guys should work it out. Robin read about it being after an April show. Robin said that they've been through this before and Bon Jovi is going to continue without Richie. Robin said that they say that Richie is welcome to come back when he's ready.
Robin said that Howard is into movie memorabilia. Howard said he has an Iron Man mask and a hat that Harrison Ford wore in Cowboys and Aliens. Howard said he has some rock stuff too. He said he has a couple of guitars. Robin said a rare piece of Beatles memorabilia has sold. Robin said it was a guitar played by George Harrison and Paul McCartney. It sold for $408,000. Howard said he has Leslie West's leg hanging over his bed.
Howard said he doesn't think all of his junk would sell for that much. He said he's not sure that his Iron Man head was in the movie or not. He said he'd just tell them it was.
Robin read about Barbara Walters daughter being arrested for DUI. Robin said that she denies that she was driving drunk. Robin said they say the allegations are false. Robin said they've launched an investigation into it.
Howard said he saw a picture of a guy yesterday who shaved his facial hair into the batman logo. He said Ronnie should do that and it would be amazing. Howard had the guys bring up the picture so he could ask Ronnie to do it. Ronnie came in and said he'd do it but he won't keep it. He said he'll grow out the hair and then do it. Howard said he has to dye it black too. Ronnie said no to that but he will grow it out and have someone shave it in there. Howard told him to get Toni his hair person to do it. Ronnie said he'll start growing it out. They played Ronnie out with a song parody about his moustache.
Robin told Howard about a German woman who became a man. Robin said the girl was a shot putter and she was given drugs that she blames for making her want to be a man. Robin said ti's on page 50 of the Daily News today. Howard said he's so excited about the Batman moustache that Ronnie is going to grow out. Howard wondered if he'd be able to do it by Las Vegas AGT. Ronnie said it's only a week from Sunday that they're going to Las Vegas. The guys brought up another logo in a guy's facial hair and Ronnie thought he could do it like that. Ronnie said he could be ready for AGT with that one. He said he likes that one better than the first one. Howard said this is good. Ronnie said maybe before they go they can do it. Howard said they're on the air Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so maybe he can do it on Thursday.
Ralph called in and said that's so great that he's going to do it. Howard said maybe Ralph can shave it in. Ralph said he has to dye it black. Ronnie said he'll do dark brown. Howard told Ronnie not to get started with Ralph because he'll back out at the last minute. Ralph said he can do it without a stencil. Ralph said they need someone from a barber shop to do it. Howard told Gary to go out and find some people. Gary said he knows a place at Aster Plaza where they shave stuff into your head.
Ralph told Howard that his Iron Man mask was in the movie. He said he talked to the shop where they make that stuff and they said that it was in the movie. Howard thanked him for that. Howard said Ralph has a cold and he was in his apartment yesterday walking around.
Robin said that Will Smith is clearing things up about his son wanting to get emancipated for his 14th birthday. He claims it was just a joke. Robin said his son is only 14 years old. Howard said in that house you get to do all kinds of cool stuff. Howard said he wouldn't want to get away from that. Robin said that Willow wanted to just be a kid but her parents wanted her to work. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:35am.
Jon also brought up Richard Christy tasting beer in his ass and how he was able to get 5 out of 6 correct. He said that was pretty incredible. He said the bigger thing was that Sal had no part of it today. He said he's wondering if this is the beginning of a break in that comedy team. Jon said that they're always together and today Sal backed off. He said Sal kind of backs off when the gay stuff comes up. Jon said they're going to get Richard in there later to talk about that.
Jon said Zach Braff was very good on the show today. He said they're going to try to get him in there for the show too. Jon said they learned a lot about Zach and about Kickstarter. Jon said he's curious to see how his film turns out.
Jon took a call from Wheels who said he tried to bring up the Benjy and Rob Corddry blow up last week. Jon said that Howard just said that he wasn't happy about it. He said there isn't much more that he can give. He said there isn't much more behind it. Gary said Howard wasn't happy and all he can say is that Benjy is a big boy. He said he's hard to corral. He said that's what they love and hate about him. Jon said Gary is right about that.
Gary said what he'd like to talk about more is that when Howard talked to Benjy he got nasty with Howard. Gary said that he was like ''Whoa!'' when he heard that. Jon said he thought Howard was backing him up last week but he wouldn't talk to the boss like that.
Jon said they were talking about what Richard did and Robin was skeptical with the whole thing. Gary said Richard couldn't really see but he wondered if he could smell the beer. Gary said Zach was there in his office so it was very weird to have that going on while he was there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Richard could smell the beer. He said he may have felt the consistency on his ass. Gary said even that is impressive if that's what he did. The caller said you know it's Guinness when you have one coming to your mouth. Gary said it was in his ass though. Gary said he thinks that Richard might be a genius.
Jon said Richard drank the beer off the floor after it came out of his ass. Gary said Richard whipped his clothes off and he wouldn't be so proud of that if he were Richard. Gary said Zach did notice that Richard is a natural red head when he did that. They had to go to break after that.
Gary said Zach didn't bring his girlfriend there today and he asked where she was. Gary said Zach said he's not going to bring her there. He said he understands that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about the Kickstarter controversy and how it's supposed to be for true start ups. The caller said Zach could get real funding without doing that. Gary said he's not sure where that rule is written. He said it's something that's self regulated. Gary said that if people don't want to do that then they won't support it. He said that it worked for the Veronica Mars project and for Zach's project. He said that it didn't work for Melissa Joan Hart project. Jon said he's okay with this kind of thing. He said he doesn't think it's going to discourage people from doing it. He said he doesn't think people will go on there and try to get a $15 million project going.
Gary said that he's not going to buy into the comments that people who donated to Zach's project would have given money to someone else on Kickstarter.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Zach didn't have to whore out his project on Kickstarter. Zach showed up as they were talking about that so Gary had him come in and sit down. Gary said some people think that it's not for people like Zach. The caller said that Zach could pay for it himself. Zach said he is contributing his own money to the project but he isn't going to pay for the whole thing himself. Gary said that Francis Ford Coppola put up his own money for a film that almost ruined him. Zach said he brought in 20,000 people to Kickstarter and they also say that at least $40,000 from those people has gone to other projects. He said that they're introducing more people to the service that way.
Gary asked Zach why it's an issue. Zach said he doesn't know. He said he keeps having the argument and he's not sure what the problem is.
Gary said if Rush Limbaugh went on the site with a project he's fine with it. He just won't donate. Zach said that 40,000 people have said yes to his project and it's an opt-in thing. He said you don't have to donate. He said he's not sure why people are spending their time writing 40 page letters about it.
Zach said that he and Howard like each other and they both like photography and things. Gary asked who he was most excited to meet. Zach said JD was one. He said he turned out to be more odd than he expected. Gary said he introduced Jimmy Kimmel's wife to JD and JD was acting very odd toward her. Zach said that Richard and Sal invited him into their room and JD just acted like he was in his way. He said he looked at him like he had work to do and he didn't want him there. He said it was like ''How much longer is this hello going to take?'' Gary said JD just doesn't know what to do.
Jon asked Zach about Ronnie since he just came in. He asked if he's surprised by his rise to fame. Zach said that these people become celebrities in their own right. He said that the fans are interested in them just as much as Howard.
Ronnie said that he was surprised that Zach showed up alone today. Gary said it's rare when a guest like him shows up on his own. Gary said that he wanted to turn the TV off at one point because a woman did show up for Zach. Zach said that this poor girl was looking up at the monitor and saw the Richard ass drinking thing. He said it was an over the head shot of his ass and this poor girl had her hand over her eyes. Zach didn't want to turn the TV off. He wanted to see how it turned out. Zach said he had to get going so he got in a plug for his Kickstarter project. They went to break after that.
Jon asked about why he had a problem with Ralph. Ronnie said that he's afraid he'd get weird. Ralph was on the phone and said that the Batman thing is sacred so he'd do it the right way. He said he thinks that Ronnie might have to lose the sideburns though. Ronnie said they don't join there anyway. he said he won't cut them off. Gary asked if they could take an inch off the sideburns. Ronnie said they'll see when the time comes. Ralph asked if they can paint his face yellow too. Ronnie said they'll see what happens. He said he knows that Howard wants him to have it ready for AGT in Vegas.
Ralph said he doesn't get these people who are complaining about Kickstarter. He said that it's a crowd sourcing thing and if you don't want to donate then don't. He said it's very simple. Ralph said that the stuff they can do on Kickstarter is really cool. Jon let Ralph go after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that the Ronnie thing is really cool. He said he's a team player there. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how happy Fred was this morning. Fred said he just likes that ZZ Top. Howard said he's looking forward to talking to Bill Hader today. He said he wrote down about 500 questions he has for him. Robin said he's leaving Saturday Night Live.
Howard said Lisa Lampanelli is stopping by today too. Howard said that Lisa was friends with Wendy Williams until she tweeted out the word ''Nigga.'' She had some people upset with her and Lisa thought that Wendy should have defended her. Howard had some audio of Wendy Williams talking about how Lisa has taken it too far with her people. She said that she's just crossed the line and she's not allowed to use that word. Howard said Wendy is the keeper of the gate with that word apparently. Howard said that Wendy is going to be coming in soon too.
Howard said Big Foot called in to Jon Leiberman's show ''Live at 5'' and he wanted everyone to know he has a cure for cancer. Howard said this is the real Big Foot, not Big Foot Jr. Howard said the guy was talking about how he drinks black coffee and that washes cancer out of your body. Jon had a doctor on with him and Big Foot was telling her how it works by washing it out of your body. He said he has black coffee with sugar. Jon pointed out that he never had cancer. Big Foot said he smokes every day. Jon asked how he knows the coffee has ridden his body of cancer. Big Foot said the hot black coffee washes it right out. Big Foot said the marijuana smoke gets tar in your lungs and the coffee washes it right out. He said he was the one who discovered it. Howard told Jason to get him two black coffees right now.
Howard said Gary told JD he didn't have to be like that and JD said he didn't want to disappoint anyone. Gary told him he barely even turns around in his seat. Howard said he's seen that move too. JD came in and said he does turn around. Gary said he turns his head but not his chair. Gary said if he just turned around and looked at them then it would be better for him and the guest. Howard asked JD what's going through his head. JD said he has no idea what to say to these people. He said he doesn't know anything about them and he has no idea what to say to them.
Howard said he and Gary acted out how to act around people. Howard told Gary to do that now. Howard was JD and Gary was Zach. Howard did his impression of JD and Gary asked him questions. Howard had JD talking about his job and what he was doing for the show.
JD said he's not good at forced conversation. Howard told JD to watch this. Howard had Gary as Zach again as he was JD mumbling.
Gary asked JD if he's mad at Zach at all. JD laughed and said he's not. He said he might be jealous of him but he's not mad. Gary said Zach used to date someone who works there and JD is upset about that. Howard figured that he was upset that Zach is a director and writer and that's what JD wanted to be. JD said no to that too. Howard said he thinks that's what it is.
Howard had JD act out the Zach discussion with him. It didn't work very well. Howard said their whole demo was useless. Robin asked if he learned anything. Howard said he didn't. Gary said he told Zach yesterday that it wasn't him, it's JD. He said that JD thinks that he's bothering him by talking to him. Howard said he could have brought up the chick he dated. JD said he does have a Zach Braff story.
Howard did another play with JD and had him talking to Zach. JD was mumbling and acting all weird with Howard. Howard told Fred to play the song about JD. Fred played the ''Mush Mouth'' song parody about JD that Sal did.
Howard asked JD what his story was. JD said the first time he met up with Ryan Phillippe he saw Zach hanging out on the couch. That was the whole story. Howard sounded shocked that it was his whole story. That led to another JD song parody about how you can't understand a word he says.
Howard said that JD has to relax and not worry so much about meeting people. JD said he doesn't want to rock the boat. Robin said he is rocking the boat by acting the way he does. Fred played another JD song parody. Howard said these songs are so great.
Howard said he heard from David Spade about a song parody he had an idea for about Benjy's cum drinking. Howard said he got a new one from Psych about Robin that was a parody of a Richie Havens song. Howard played that one for her. He was cracking up as soon as it started playing.
Howard said Katie Couric has been nice to them and has called asking for him. He said his agent asked if he'd do that so he said okay. Howard said it's something different so he figured it would be okay to do that. Howard said they asked him to do Letterman and he said no. Howard said he asked Dave to come on his show and Dave won't do it so he's not doing Dave. Howard said he could do a really good show with Dave. He said he's going to do Jimmy Fallon's show instead. Howard said he's not sure what he's going to do when Jimmy is up against Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said Kimmel is his close friend. Howard said he may not do either one of those shows. Howard said he doesn't want to do any of those shows anyway. Howard said NBC wanted him to do the Tonight Show but he refused.
Howard said he booked the show and figured the day would never come that he had to do them. He said it turns out today is the day. He said he went out to dinner with friends last night and he can never do that again. He said he was working until 3 yesterday and then he went to the shrink and worked more after dinner.
Howard said he's so fat he can't enjoy dinner. He said he can't eat bread. He had a glass of wine and he shouldn't have done that. Howard said he had a tuna tartare appetizer and some sea bass with nothing else on it. He said he can't even have sauce on it. Howard said everyone had desert and he had a bowl of fruit. He said he had that just like a fruit. Howard said they had the best deserts there too. He said he just can't do it though. He said he should have had coffee to wash out the cancer.
Howard said he got home and he realized he hasn't shaved. He doesn't have time to do that in the morning. He said he can't get his hair wet at night because he has to go to bed. He said this is all for doing the Katie Couric show. Howard said he put on a shower cap and got in the shower. He said you should see him naked with a shower cap on. He said he looked in the mirror to see what was going on. He said he had a black shower cap on and he looked like a fucking witch. He said he cant even describe the horror. He said he has a belly with hair on it and his belly is bulging. Howard said he can't even run anymore. He said Ralph made fun of how slow he was running. He said Ralph ran backwards and beat him. He said Robin is even slower than him though. He said he's barely running and he's beating Robin.
Howard said Robin runs like she's Flo-Jo with the outfit. He said you'd think she's going to run and then she walks. Howard said she doesn't deserve to have that outfit on. Robin said she has a wind resistant outfit on and she can't even run. Howard said he's slow and it's awful.
Howard said he had to clip his nasal hair too. He said he looked at his ass and if Beth ever saw that she'd vomit. Howard said he has to have dim lights. He said he loves to look at Beth but he has to keep the lights low. He said he has a Questron and it's a very soft light. He said he can make her out in the dark but she can't make him out. Howard said he was complaining at dinner about how fat he is and Beth said they fucked last night and he looked good. Howard said that's because the lights were low. Howard said whenever he's having sex with her he thinks about how wild it would be if it was high school. He said he had a hot girl that he sleeps with every night and he has sex with her.
Howard said he had a girl who would come over and bang him when he was single. He said she'd come over and leave after having sex. Howard said she had problems. He said she was married. He said that's wrong to say so he took it back.
Benjy asked if he believes that Beth is physically attracted to him. Howard said she is. Howard said he doesn't think she would be if he was naked. He said he thinks she likes his quirky looks. Robin asked Benjy if he thinks that Elisa is attracted to him. Benjy said she is but he thinks that it's love and not physical attraction. Benjy said he thinks that Howard is good looking. Howard said he thinks Benjy is right. Howard said he actually knows that he's hideous looking.
Howard said he sometimes looks good. He said he looked okay interviewing his parents. He said that if he has the lights right and the angles right he's good. Then he gets up and moves around on AGT and he looks like shit.
Howard said he'll see Bobo at the Katie Couric show. Howard said they told him they were doing the whole hour with him. He said he didn't want to do that but she's pretty good so he's going to go with it.
Howard said he's spoken to Katie in the past. He said that she did kind of screw with him by telling him how much she liked his movie off the air. Then he gets on the air and tells her to say what she had just said. She said she had just seen the movie and didn't tell anyone how great she thought it was.
Howard got Ralph on the phone and said he was telling him he shouldn't wear a suit in daytime. Howard said he told him to just get him a suit ready. Ralph said that he has theories about that. He said you need to have them. Howard said Ralph got him the suit and he wasn't able to button his pants. He said he was yelling at Ralph because he's so fat he can't button the pants. He said he had his back fat hanging over the pants in the back. He said that's how fat he's gotten. Ralph was going to put a vest with it. He said he was looking at himself in the mirror and told Ralph to get this thing off him. Howard said he has something a little more casual that will cover up his fat.
Ralph was cracking up thinking about Howard's description of Robin in her running suit. Howard went on to say that he was working on today's show last night writing questions for Bill Hader and things like that. Howard said he thinks that guy is important. He said he hadn't shaved yet and he had to trim his nasal hairs. He said he's naked looking at himself in the mirror and he has a tiny penis and he's up there with the nasal hair thing digging away and realized how disgusting he is. Ralph said he does this to himself and he doesn't have to do that.
Howard said it was time for a song parody. He played one that someone came up with about how he's taken on too many jobs. They had clips of Howard complaining about everything that's going on with his health.
Howard said he was with Toni this morning wondering how he was going to do the show, go home, wash his hair and then do the show. Howard said she told him he had to be camera ready by 2 so he wouldn't have time. Howard said he wants to be a team player with AGT but he doesn't think it makes a difference if he's on that show. Robin said they have to beat the drum rather loud for the show. Ralph said it is a different audience.
Howard said Ralph still has that cold. Ralph said anything he has was from Howard. He said Howard was coughing all over him in Chicago. Robin said it was a long time ago. Ralph said it was like last week.
Ralph said that Howard is right about his angle. He said if they shoot him from the other side you're like ''Whoa!'' Where's the other guy?'' Howard said that's true. Howard said that they ask the same questions all the time in these interviews. He said he tells them the same things over and over. Howard said they ask him like 57 times. He said they have a camera man who is short so he's being shot from below. Howard said he looks like a monster when they do that. Howard said they put the camera low and shoot up in monster movies and that's why they look so scary. He said that's film making 101. Howard said he feels bad enough about himself. He said he doesn't need that.
Howard said he'll see Ralph later for the Katie Couric show. Howard said he will be dressing him. Ralph told him to go lose some weight so he can fit into his clothes. He said they were in a groove and they fell out of it. Howard said it's his fault. He said he has to move around and do something. Howard said he's exhausted from all of this.
Ralph said he loves that JD wants to be a director because the whole job is communicating with people. That led to Fred doing his JD impression and mumbling some stuff a director would say. They goofed on JD for a minute and then Howard let Ralph go.
Howard said they told him that it was Mike Fox who did the Blackbird song parody he had played a few minutes ago. Howard said he likes Mike Fox. Howard said that was a good Howard song parody.
Howard said that Benjy licking his own cum set off the song parody writers. He had one ready to go. The song was ''Benjy Drinks Cum.'' Howard said all of a sudden he's drinking the stuff even though all he did was taste it. Howard said he had to go to break because Bill Hader is there. Howard said he has to talk to the guy. He said he's leaving Saturday Night Live and everyone has to get out of there at some point. Howard said some people leave and you never hear from them again. Howard said he thinks that Bill will be fine though. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Bill Hader come in. He said he's one of his favorite guys that's ever done Saturday Night Live. Howard said he wanted to gaze upon him. He said he loves seeing people like this in person. Robin said she met him in an elevator and she wanted to do him. She didn't know he was married.
Howard said Bill's wife is a director and writer. Howard said that's a power couple. Howard said Bill is there to promote a movie they did called ''The To Do List.'' Howard said it must be comforting in life to have a partner like that. He said that Bill can screw up and his wife is there to take care of him.
Howard said he didn't know that Bill do so much work on South Park. Bill said he works with those guys because it's very much just those two guys. Bill said that they all hang out in a room and help them out with ideas.
Howard said Bill is leaving Saturday Night Live and it must be frightening. Bill said it is. Bill said it was weird walking outside without a job. He said he has been on since 2005. Howard asked if he had to plan an exit strategy. Bill said he was just hoping they wouldn't fire him all these years. He said they told him he'd be fine but he couldn't help but worry that they'd fire him. He said Lorne told him that he had a job for life if he wanted it.
Howard said he sees him as a backbone of the show. Howard said it was like that with Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray. Howard said his favorite thing he ever did was the Vietnam vet thing where he goes nuts. He asked if he wrote that himself. Bill said it was him and a few other guys that wrote it. Bill said the guy was in Grenada and he was working with puppets. He said the funniest line was one that got cut. He said he had a thing about him taking a blow torch to a village and he thinks he said something like seeing a pony tail in a puddle and he wasn't sure if it was a little girl. He said they though it was great but the dress rehearsal audience groaned. Howard said he would have pissed his pants if he had seen that.
Bill said he got a wanted poster with that character and his puppet from someone as a going away present. Howard said that's so great.
Howard said it's unusual how Bill got the job on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he was working in TV but he was a production assistant. Bill said he was working on Iron Chef America. He said he got a phone call from someone at SNL saying that Lorne wanted to meet him. Howard said that's a weird thing. He said Bill was doing some improv on the side and he wasn't imagining being on SNL. Bill said he never thought it would happen. Howard said some actress went down to the place to see the Improv and she saw him doing it. Bill said that it was Megan Mullally and she went to see her brother-in-law in the show. She saw Bill and called NBC to come down and see this guy.
Bill said that Lorne came down to see the show and they blew the roof off the place because they packed the place with friends and told them to go nuts for Lorne. He said that Lorne knew what they were doing so he called them out to the East coast to do the show. He said that they had a bunch of people from SNL out there. He said that Matt Offerman and the others in the group knew they weren't going to get anything but they supported him. He said when he left SNL he called all three of them for doing that show.
Howard asked what show they did for Lorne. Bill said that he and the others in the group were doing improv and they didn't really have a set show. He said he had to work on some stuff. He said they were going to do a sketch and work in an SNL impression. He said he did impressions and stuff of characters. He said Lorne knew what they were doing again. He said Lorne knew it was an audition sketch.
Howard said he went to dinner with Lorne a couple of weeks ago. He said he's very low key and you don't know how it's going. Bill said that he is very low key. He said he was always very kind to him. He said that Lorne is a big comedy fan. He said they could connect on that level. He said that he opens up and talks about comedy if you bring up certain things.
Howard said Bill has never done stand-up comedy. Bill said he did it for his audition. Howard asked what he did in his audition. Bill said he did his bad comedian character in that. Howard asked when he came up with his Alan Alda impression. Bill said that was later on. Howard asked if he can do the Alan Alda now. Bill said he'd have to work into it. He said he watches him in ''Crimes and Misdemeanors'' over and over to get the voice down. He said he learned from Darrell Hammond and Dana Carvey about doing stuff like that. He said they told him you kind of have to work into it
Howard asked Bill if he ever thought he'd be on SNL. Bill said he didn't. He said he grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma and he never thought about that. He said he was more interested in film making. Bill said they were making films and stuff in college and he was editing the film. Howard said he can't figure out why he was even performing in the improv group. Bill said he was in L.A. not doing anything creative at all. He said he was constantly working and he had to do something. He said he went to a show that his buddy was in doing sketch comedy. He said he didn't even know it was a thing. Bill said he was doing that and failing at it but he was getting better.
Howard asked what it was like when he got in front of an audience. Bill said that a teacher told him he was good at it and he was kind of shocked.
Bill told Howard that Megan Mullally just happened to show up on a night he did really well. He said he lucked out. He said that happens sometimes. Howard said he's imagining that Bill took up Yoga instead of improv and what he might be doing now instead of being on SNL.
Howard asked Bill if he liked SNL before he was on. Bill said he did grow up watching the show. Howard asked if he went back and watched the original cast. Bill said he only knows them from the compilation tapes. He said now it's different and he doesn't have time to watch all of the old stuff.
Howard said Bill is in like 70 percent of the sketches on the show. Howard said he thought he worked really well with Kristen Wiig and he wonders if it's scary when someone like that leaves the show. Bill said the show is unpredictable and if you try to be calculated you fall on your face. He said that it's all about what's happening at that moment. Howard asked if he walks into the Monday meeting leaving it open to all possibilities. Bill said that's what happens.
Howard asked Bill if it's a rule that you're not supposed to laugh at your own stuff when you're in character. Bill said it is. He cracks up at his character Stephan though. Howard said he heard that the guy who writes the character with him will change the lines up to throw him off. Bill said he gets very nervous when he's on camera. He said he has bad anxiety. He said he has to calm himself down before going out there. He said all he's thinking is that his folks in Tulsa are watching. He said that he tries not to think about that stuff but he can't help it.
Howard said he had something personal going on in his life and it was bothering him through the whole show yesterday. He said it's just there. Bill said that's the way it is when he's on air at SNL. He said he goes over his lines obsessively. He said he goes off the cue cards but he likes to know what's coming up. He said he can relax more if that's the way it is. He said his writing partner will change it just to make him break. He said he'll warn him about some things but sometimes he'll see something really funny. He said that one thing that got him was a joke about Halloween and he had to stop the show for a minute. He said that everyone was dying laughing at him cracking up. He said he was having a hard time recovering from it. He said he was laughing through the whole thing. He said the joke was about how Blackula is a name for the black Dracula. He said he asks Seth if he knows what they call the Jewish Dracula. Bill said they turned the card over and it said ''Sydney Applebaum'' and that cracked him up. He had no idea it was coming.
Howard said that the original cast hated Frank Zappa because he was reading the cue cards and showing something that wasn't supposed to be seen. Howard said that's what he likes about that character Stephan breaking up.
Bill said that some of the guys will make you try to crack up. He said that Fred Armisen has cracked him up. He said that he once did a bit where he had to take a jacket off and put it on the floor. He said they started breaking and they were just doing improv and not acting at all. Bill said he went to Lorne and told him that they were breaking a lot now and he was sorry. He said he felt awful after that. He said he feels bad when he breaks with Stefon. He said he apologized to Lorne but Lorne said that it was fine because it was so funny.
Howard said that he heard that he was going to go out with a special moment on the show and he didn't get to do that. Bill said that the Stefon thing was the way he wanted to go out. Bill told Howard about how they did all of that and how they celebrate when they're done. Bill was laughing about how ridiculous it is that they celebrate the way they do. He said the news never does that. He said they don't high five after doing a show. Howard said he doesn't hug Benjy after every show. Bill said he was cracking up at that.
Bill said they do the after party too. He said he's exhausted after the show. He said he ended up skipping the party toward the end.
Howard asked if he's a drug guy. Bill said he's not. He said he didn't even do stuff back when he was in Tulsa. Howard asked what it's like when he's working with a guest that just isn't getting it. Bill said most people are on their best behavior and they want it to work. He said some people are nervous but they always surprise them. He said if you do have someone like that they work with them to make them look comfortable and good. Howard said that if they're bad you barely see them in sketches. Bill said it's like they're part of the ensemble when they're not that good.
Howard asked what it was like the first time he was live on air. Bill said that his fists were clenched and you can see it in the video. He said they did a couple of sketches and he calmed down. He said he did an Al Pacino sketch that first night. Howard said he loves that impression. He asked him to do some of that. Bill did a little bit of the voice. Bill said they did one sketch where they had Al pitching his own line of pants. He did his impression and told Howard what that was like. Bill said Amy Poehler knew he was nervous and she told him to breathe and put her hand on his back. He said the first time he did his Vincent Price was on the 6th show and he almost passed out after it was over. He said he had to sit down and drink water.
Howard asked Bill if he feels that the impressions are too close and they sound the same. Bill said he does. He said he can't do impressions on the street for people. He said he has to watch some video to get it down.
Howard said Bill does a John Malkovich impression and he has great make up with that. Howard asked how long that takes to set him up. Bill said they're so good it doesn't take long. Bill said he was a doctor in one sketch and he had to play Frankenstein a minute later. He said they did the make up in a minute. He said it was like a NASCAR pit stop.
Howard asked why they don't pre-tape some stuff so they have room to breathe. Bill said they like doing things for the live audience. He said people don't realize how much work there is. He said people will ask when they tape. He said they don't know it's actually live. Howard said a lot of shows say they're live and they're not actually live. Bill said that they will sometimes change things for the West coast feed if something goes wrong. He said for the most part there's so much work. He said that they will change something on the show at the last minute and edit it minutes before it airs. He said no one sees that.
Howard asked Bill if he has a policy not to have too many people back stage bothering him. Bill said he had his father there once but usually he doesn't have a lot of people back stage. He said he's worried about what he's going to be doing on the show that night. Howard said he thinks it's paid off for him in his career. Bill thanked him for that.
Howard said Bill has a nice speaking voice. He said that he gets to do a lot of things on the show because of that great voice he has. Bill said he did a character where he played ''What's that Name'' and he was the host who wasn't so nice. He said that character became a thing. He said they can work with that voice and do other things. Howard said he likes when he plays a game show host. Bill said he does too. He said he has played many. He said he has so many names for the characters. Bill said that they did two sketches where they did game shows and he played two different ones.
Howard said Bill played Lindsey Buckingham in the ''What's Up Wit Dat'' sketches until Lindsey showed up himself. Howard said that he must worry about people getting upset with him. Bill said he went to the Washington Correspondents Dinner once and Elliot Spitzer came up to him but he was very nice. Howard said Spitzer was going through hell and Bill was like kicking a dog when he was down. Howard asked if he ever doesn't want to do that. Bill said it depends. He said that Lorne is concerned about that. He said one of the tings that he and John Mulaney wrote was a sketch about Casey Kasem and his son. He told Howard how that went and did the Casey impression. He said legally they couldn't do it and Lorne stopped them. He said they get frustrated but he understands why they can't do it. He said that the Elliot Spitzer thing is different.
Howard asked if Lindsey Buckingham was okay with what they did with him. Bill said he was fine. Howard asked how Justin Timberlake is on the show. Bill said he's great. He said that he didn't have any entourage with him at all. He said that when Justin Bieber showed up he had 20 people with him. He said he had a guy holding his slice of pizza and another guy holding his soda. He said that was crazy.
Howard asked how it is when Bieber shows up with a huge entourage like that. Bill said that he couldn't handle that if he had an entourage himself. He said Mariah Carrey had a big one too. He said that Justin Timberlake shows up with no one. Bill said his wife thought that he was just one of the crew guys hanging out there.
Howard said that one of the strangest impressions he ever did was the Garrison Keilor but now that he's looking at him he sees why. Howard said he did Don Herbert the Mr. Science guy. Howard said he remembers him on TV so that was pretty cool. Bill said he liked him because he wore weird sweaters and stuff. He said he likes to pick out those strange things.
Howard asked Bill if his parents were supportive in all of this. Bill said they were. He said his dad tried stand-up in the 80s. He said he passed out when he told him that he was going to be on Saturday Night Live. He said his dad exposed him to comedy when he was younger and he has always been great through all of this.
Howard said he heard that Bill had to do a sketch for Lorne at the Saturday Night Live studio and someone told him to do political humor. bill didn't do political humor so he turned on the TV and did a Tony Blair impression after seeing him on the air. Bill said they told him not to do a George Bush impression so he checked out Tony Blair and worked on it with a buddy. Howard said he had to have something funny to say. Bill said that he had him talking about Star Wars or something. He said he hoped it was funny. He said he kept it short.
Howard asked if he knew he was bombing. Bill said he put it in the middle and had some other funny stuff he did. Bill said he did the whole thing as Vinnie Vedecci his Italian guy. He did some of that voice for Howard. He said it's just Italian gibberish. He said he heard Tina Fey laugh at that so he relaxed. Bill said that it was Tina, Seth and Lorne and they laughed. He said that he heard that they never laugh and when Tina did it made him relax. Bill said he had some fun in his audition and it worked.
Bill said that they made him go first. He said he had a guy in the elevator with him who had tons of props. He said that was Andy Samberg. He said that's when he met Andy. He said he thought he was screwed when he saw the props. He said Andy told him that he was looking at him saying ''Oh no, that guy doesn't need any props.''
Bill said that he heard the other auditions but didn't get to see them. He said they had a bunch of auditions go before him even though he was told he was going first. He said he was getting really nervous after hearing that. Bill said he just put the blinders on. He said he never feels like he's going to kill. Howard said he must have some confidence now. Bill said he does now. He said back then he didn't. He said he had no idea he'd ever get on SNL. Bill told Howard that he had a guy come up to him being really nice after the audition and he wasn't being nice to the other people so he had a good feeling about that.
Bill said that when he got the job he hadn't signed with an agent yet. He said he got the job and signed with them a short time later. He said they didn't get a commission check from that. Howard asked if the guys at Iron Chef were happy for him. Bill said he had actually gone to Punk'd by then. He said that he felt bad doing that show because they would make people cry. Bill said that they really upset some people. He said he felt terrible in the moment when people would break down crying. Gary said Justin Timberlake cried on that show. They broke his prized guitar on the show.
Howard said he can't imagine a worse way to audition than going in front of one guy. Howard said you want an audience laughing at you to get some feedback.
Bill said Amy Poehler would laugh at him and she may have been doing that to loosen up the room. He said she was very helpful. Howard said she had to go through the same process so she knows what it's like.
Howard said Bill is there to promote the movie ''The To Do List'' which is coming out July 19th. Howard asked what it was like making movies and working on SNL. Bill said he shot Super Bad and Hot Rod while doing SNL and he had just gotten married too. He said he was very busy. He said they've been very good to him.
Howard said he doesn't think Bill will have any problem doing movies or TV shows. Robin asked what he would prefer. Bill said he did a drama with Kristen Wiig and he really enjoyed that. He said he'd like to do a bunch of different kinds of things. Howard asked if he would edit any reality shows. Bill said he would do it. He said he has experience. Bill said he's written some stuff too. He said that he wrote something for Judd Apatow and he's not sure if that will ever get made. He said that he had a nice learning process with that. He said his wife is a really good writer so she'll help him out when he needs help. He said he's better at writing that kind of thing over sketch comedy.
Howard said Dana Carvey is a great impression guy but they never knew what to do with him. Howard said after a couple of movies you don't see the guy anymore. Bill said he lives up in Modesto and he does stand-up things. He said he seems like a very happy guy but you do wonder what that is. He said that he likes working and he's a movie nerd. Bill said as long as his kids are taken care of he'll be okay. Bill said that SNL doesn't pay that well relative to other things. Howard said he has to find that thing that will pay off. Howard said David Spade has done very well with his career. He said everyone has to find their own way. Bill said he's done a lot of animated movies and he likes doing that. He said he's open to a lot of things and he'd like to do film.
Robin asked if the animated stuff pays well. Bill said that it does but the sequels pay great. Howard said he heard Eddie Murphy gets millions to record the voices for the movies he does and he records it all in his home.
Howard said Bill is allergic to nuts. Bill said he was just on this movie set and he tried a chocolate that had peanuts in it and he had to go to the hospital. He said the doctor asked if he carries an EpiPen with him and he doesn't. Bill said he really should carry one. bill said that when you do eat that stuff you can't breathe. He said he figured he could control it if he did TM like Howard does. He said that Luke Wilson wondered what the fuck was wrong with him and he told him that he had to get out of there because he couldn't breathe. Robin told him to bring the Epipen with him.
Bill said that he was 2 when they figured out he was allergic to nuts. He said that they were on a camping trip and they just had to wait for him to get through it. Bill said that he has an EpiPen with him now. He said he was going to stay away from all of the food he had in the green room. He said he didn't want to risk eating any of it.
Bill said that sometimes he'll tell them at a restaurant that he's got a nut allergy and they get offended. He said it's no big deal, he's just letting them know.
Howard asked Bill what The To Do List is about. Bill told Howard that it's about a type A personality woman who has to go to college and she approaches sex like an AP exam. He said there is a lot of talk about sex in the movie. He said that Andy Samberg is in it and he told him that his wife is filthy. Bill said his wife isn't in the movie but he gets to work with Rachel Bilson. Howard said she's hot. Bill said he's not the guy in sex scenes but his wife came down and watched and told him to get into the scene he had with Rachel. He said that was very weird. Howard said he'd love it if his wife wrote him into a scene like that. Bill said the sex scene is funny though. Howard asked what he was wearing. Bill said he had his shirt on. He said Rachel has her bra on and they were under the covers. He said that she had shorts on too. Bill said it was like a mercy fuck kind of thing so it was a funny scene. He said he didn't get a boner or anything.
Bill said he did a scene in ''This is 40'' with Megan Fox and he didn't get off on that either. He said that he didn't want to come off all that pervy. He said it's very awkward. Howard said he had a boner in every sexy scene in his movie. He said he was making out with Mary McCormack when it wasn't even in the script. Howard said he told them that was what his character would do. Robin said Mary looked shocked at times in the movie.
Howard asked bill if he thinks about the kind of women he could be getting. Bill said he's not like that. He's been married the whole time he's been on SNL. He said that he will yell out ''I'm married!'' whenever women are around the guys he's hanging out with.
Howard said Bill is great and he thinks he has an exciting career ahead of him. Bill thanked him for that. Howard told him to stay away from peanuts. He told him to go out into the world and do a great job. Howard gave him some more plugs. He said he can come back and visit. Howard said he'll still be there pouring beer into Richard Christy's asshole. Bill was cracking up at that. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Lisa Lampanelli come in. He said she's very controversial lately. Robin said she has a waist now. She sounded shocked. Lisa has lost 106.6 pounds. Howard said he knows a lot of people get that lap band thing and it doesn't work. Lisa had her stomach made smaller and that works. Lisa said the lap band doesn't work. She said you just look less fat and not thin. Lisa said she hopes this works for her because she doesn't want to get it back.
Lisa said she went to a retreat last week and she didn't know it was a silent retreat. She said that it felt great though because she was one of the skinny ones. Lisa said that she gets to call people fat now and it feels great because people used to call her a fat cunt.
Howard said Lisa's husband also lost a lot of weight. Lisa said he lost 90 pounds. Howard said that Lisa doesn't like blowing him. Lisa said she doesn't like that thing in her mouth. She said she's rich now so she doesn't have to try that hard in bed. Howard asked if he just puts it in there. Lisa said that she's going through menopause now so it's hard to get that thing going so she has to use lube sometimes.
Howard asked if Lisa could get wet if she had some new hot guy. Lisa said that might work. Howard asked if Lisa feels better about herself now. Lisa said she does with clothes on. She said she's over 50 and no one looks good at that age naked. Lisa said she won't get anymore surgery even from her head up. She said she doesn't use Botox or anything like that because she's afraid of it.
Howard said Lisa was a regular on the Wendy Williams show. Then something happened. Lisa said that she was at the Writer's Guild Awards and she loves the show ''Girls.'' She said that Lena Dunham came up to her and told her what a fan she is. Lisa said that she told her mom that she wanted to grow up to be like her and she asked ''What, a cunt?'' Lena was 15 at the time when she met her. She said that Lena mentioned this in a big speech she made. She said that Lena kissed her and took a picture with her. She said she tweeted out that it was her ''Nigga'' with her. Lisa said she had a day off and two days later she got a call about how every black person without a sense of humor was freaking out about that tweet.
Howard said he has the audio of what Wendy said. He played that for her. Wendy said that Lisa has gone too far with that. Wendy said she crossed the line with that one.
Lisa told Howard she's been using those kind of slurs in her act for a very long time. Howard said he thinks that this is a Twitter problem. He said when you see the word in the tweet and not in the context of an act where she's doing it with her cadence, it comes off wrong. Lisa said he's right. Lisa said that cunt Mel B had a problem with a comedian on AGT but that show hasn't aired yet. Lisa said that the guy said something she didn't like and she voted his ass off immediately. Lisa said Mel B doesn't get comedy. Lisa said she was hurt when Wendy said that. She said she thought she got her more than that. Lisa said that Jimmy Big Balls told her to just Tweet her and say she thought she was her nigga. Lisa didn't do that. She said that Wendy brought up the Nigga thing on the show the next day and then the next day after that. She said it was like a dog with a bone. Lisa said that Wendy has seen her do her act a couple of times and she never complained.
Howard said Lisa uses all of these slurs and anyone who knows her act would know that's what she does. Lisa said that she hasn't tweeted out anything like that in a while now. She said she didn't want to bother with that shit.
Lisa said she did a whole concert, as a test, without her slurs and it was just as funny. She said that she gave up Twitter for a year after her surgery. She said she only does it now when she's in a good mood. Lisa said that someone will tweet about how she looks better but she's still ugly.
Howard said that he likes some of the jokes that Lisa writes on her Twitter account. She had something about Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day saying that Psy is like the herpes of music. Lisa said that he's not like herpes because Psy will soon go away.
Lisa said that she thought that Wendy would come out and say that she was a comedian and it was no big deal. She said she can't get too upset about the whole thing though. Howard asked if she gets scared for her life. Lisa said she had to get security for a couple of weeks because people were threatening to kill her. Howard said she was in the news for a full week after that.
Howard said that Lisa is doing a show on Monday on Howard 101 next week. Howard said Lisa isn't doing roasts anymore though. Lisa said she did one about a year ago. She said she didn't have the heart for doing the Charlie Sheen roast. She said he was being all mental at the time so she wasn't into it. She said Amy Schumer got the job because of that and she took off after that.
Robin said she thinks that if black people are using the word then it's okay to use. Robin asked if the word is so bad then why are they using it. Robin said if it's being used then just use it. Howard said maybe they could stop at the G and just say Nig. Howard said he's never comfortable using that word. He said he will have a discussion about the word but he isn't comfortable with it. He said it's been used to put people down and kill their spirit. Lisa said she went to see Django Unchained and the movie 42 in the same week. She said she felt horrible that week.
Howard asked Lisa if she did Apprentice again. She said she helped Penn Jillete out on this season but she didn't do the show. She said she had enough last season.
Howard asked Lisa if she got into a war with Dog the Bounty Hunter. Lisa said she dog into it with his wife. Lisa said he put out a joke about Dog and how he bailed out someone and she joked about his wife. She thought nothing of it. Lisa said one of her fans must have told her about it. Then she started messing with her. Lisa said she went after her and then her fans came after her fans. Lisa said the wife would say she doesn't fight on Sunday because that's Jesus' day.
Lisa said she has an animated show coming out that's about bounty hunting. She said that they're supposed to do a guest shot on the show and they wanted to stop the war. Lisa said they backed out of the animated thing so she's still going after them. Lisa said the twitter wars are no good. She said that she's only going to do two jokes a day now. Lisa said that The Situation got upset when she asked how he's famous. She said that he got upset on Twitter and came after her.
Lisa said that Sherri Sheppard came after her too. She said that Sherri called her a racist on The View two times. She said that she worked with her a couple of times. Lisa said Sherri once said that she had more abortions than she could count. Lisa said she kept tweeting that out over and over. She said that she gets insane with this stuff. Lisa said she never fought with anyone before Twitter. Lisa said someone will come in there and says something about her and it gets her fired up. She said she can't do it anymore. Howard said he's worried about her. Howard said no one ever fought with her when she was fat either.
Lisa said that she wasn't looking to upset Lena but she did. She said that she doesn't do anything to offend anyone but they take it wrong. Lisa said that she uses the word ''fag'' in her act and her fans love it. She said that she might have to change some of that stuff to keep people from getting upset. Howard said the word ''fag'' was used a lot when he was growing up and he hates to see the gay people getting beat up like that.
Lisa said that Kathy Griffin asked how she can use that word and not get people upset with her. She said it must be doing it in person that makes it okay. Howard said that gay people use the word ''fag'' and he wonders if it's appropriate or not. Robin said it's the same thing with the N-word. Howard said poor Lisa is confused now from all of this.
Howard said that Lisa is going to be on air Monday June 3 at 7pm. Lisa said that they will have a theme for the show and the hour goes by really fast.
Howard said Lisa is also on Bounty Hunter on CMT starting in June. Lisa said that the show is taped every two weeks. She said that she had a lot of lines for the show and she gets paid the same. She said that she had like 45 lines in this last one she did. Howard said that's a compliment. Howard said she might go nuts if she only had 3 lines to read. Howard said she might get upset and start eating. Howard said he loves Lisa and wrapped up with her. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was on the air the other day talking about the band Public Enemy. He said he's not a big rap fan but he does like some of their songs. Howard said he said that if they're going to out a rap band in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame then don't call it ''rock and roll'' hall of fame. Howard said that if they're going to recognize rap and jazz but exclude country it doesn't make sense. Howard said it's not a heavy point but someone tweeted to Chuck D about this and said that Howard Stern doesn't think you belong in the hall of fame. Howard said that's not what he said. Howard said Chuck D said that he's a 70s dude and he's a 60s cat. Howard said Chuck probably doesn't even know that he's a fan and he wasn't saying they didn't belong in the hall of fame. Howard said Flavor Flav tweeted something out about it too and it's gotten all racial now. Howard said there's nothing he can do about it. He said he's a fan of Public Enemy and these people are getting it all wrong. Howard said everyone is looking to latch on to some horse shit. Howard said he likes Public Enemy and they should be recognized for their music.
Robin mentioned that Tiger Woods and this guy Sergio were teamed up not long ago. Robin said she read that Tiger pulled a club out of his bag right at the time Sergio was making a shot and that threw him off. Robin said the rest of the day he was off and he must have blamed Tiger for falling apart. Robin said he's Spanish and not American. Robin said that's when he made the fried chicken comment. Howard said that's just a dumb comment. Gary said that Tiger pulled a club out but it was the crowd that made noise, not Tiger. They were surprised at the club he pulled out. Robin said Tiger has been accused of doing some unsportsmanlike conduct.
Howard said he read about a top 10 list of the best DJs on radio. He said they were referring to music DJs but they put him on the list. He said he was honored by that. Howard said that they had a bunch of guys like Cousin Brucie and people like that on the lst. Howard said they put him on the list and wrote a nice note about why they put him on the list. Howard said he's honored to be on the list. Howard said they said he's in the Radio Hall of Fame too but you know how he feels about that.
Howard said he's afraid to watch this thing. He said that this woman in Oklahoma was looking for her dog after the big tornado hit. Howard said the dog turned out to be right behind the woman buried in debris. Howard said he hasn't watched the video yet because he thinks it's going to wreck him. He said he's not going to cry because he never really does. He said his dad just looked the other way when something was happening in his life. He said he must have gotten that from his dad. He said his dad went through a lot as a young man and he just moved on.
Robin said Ben couldn't have been like that as a boy. Howard said that he was older when his mom died. Howard said he had one horrible experience after another. He said his mother did too. Howard said that he doesn't think he could have gotten through stuff if he thought about himself at all. He said that he never had to experience emotions. He said he was like a soldier going through life. Howard said his mother would sit him down and lecture him about things. He said that she'd tell him about how they like black people and he should just go out there and believe that people are people. Howard said he couldn't talk to her about the hard time he was having and he had to turn off every emotion. He said it just happens to you. He said he didn't have consideration to what he was thinking. He said he would have gone berserk if he had.
Howard said he could have been human but he's not. He said he can't find him if he's buried inside him. Robin said she's seen him being human before. She said it shocks her but she's seen it.
Howard asked Doug if they have that clip of the woman finding the dog. Doug said they did. Howard had them play it. The woman was being interviewed by a news reporter who saw the dog buried in the debris. Robin asked how she got through. The woman was so happy to find the dog there and she said that she prayed for her safety and her dog and the lord came through with two prayers.
Howard said that's why he knows not to watch that stuff. He said that image of the dog is going to be in his head the rest of the day. He said he's going to be wrecked for the rest of the day. Robin said he's going to a place that didn't happen. She said something good happened. Howard said now he has to go do that Katie Couric thing today.
Howard said Katie must be waxing her legs because they're shiny. He said he's going to ask her what she's doing down there.
Howard asked the guys to put up that image of Richard's asshole so he can clear that dog from his mind. the Howard TV guys did that.
Howard said he had a lot of email to read. He scanned through it and said that someone asked if he masturbates before the show. He said of course not. He doesn't have time.
Howard read an email about a song that makes one of the fans cry. It was Warren Zevon's ''Keep Me In Your Heart.'' Howard said that's a good one. Howard played some of the song. He said Warren was dying of cancer and he wrote this as he was dying. Howard said he was a smoker and he died of cancer. He said he thinks he was writing this for his family. Howard said if he had only drank black coffee like Big Foot suggested.
Howard read about Richard's beer tasting and how he was figuring out what he was drinking. Howard said there was no gimmick there. He said that Richard was able to figure out 5 of the 6 beers. Richard came in and said there was no gimmick. He said he wasn't able to smell them or anything like that. He said he'd admit it if he did.
Robin said she thinks he was in on it with Howard. Howard said they'll give him nose plugs next time. Howard said he was sitting on the toilet thinking about how magical Richard's ass powers are. He said his ass needs a back story like Spider-Man. He said it might be something about Taco Tico and how it had something in the meat. Richard said maybe when Sal kissed his taint he had radiation on his lips. Howard asked why he has to work Sal into everything. He said he doesn't have to do that. Richard said he feels bad he's not part of this. Howard said he has to get grip on reality. He said he might fire Sal. He said he doesn't have to bring him into everything. Richard said people are asking why he wasn't involved. Howard said Sal's ass isn't special. Richard's is.
Howard said they're thinking of giving Richard's ass a channel there. Howard said Sal is jealous. Richard said Sal is proud of him. Robin told Richard to let Sal be happy for him and leave it at that. Howard said Richard's ass is more popular than Richard himself. Howard said Richard's ass is dating Jennifer Lawrence. He said it's just his ass though.
Howard asked if anyone understands the new golf rule about anchored putting. Scott DePace said he understands it. He said that they have putters that are so long you can put it against your chest. He said it's like your body is anchoring the club. Howard said they're saying that it's inappropriate. Howard thanked him for explaining that. Howard wondered if they were going to stop the Baba Booey shout outs during the game. Howard said they could ban the yelling. He said he wants them to let them do that though.
Howard asked Robin what was in the news. Robin started to speak and Fred played her theme song over her. Robin asked what happens if someone jumps off the Golden Gate Bridge and you see them jump. Do you rescue them. Howard said he does his rescues over the phone. Howard said you don't know how rational someone is. He wouldn't go near it. Howard said he'd rather not be dragged off. Robin said a guy jumped and a sailing crew saw it and they got him to a coast guard station. Howard said he'd do that if he saw him in the water with a bunch of guys. Howard said he wouldn't try to pull the guy in himself. Howard said he'd pretend to be part of it. Robin said the guy was going to be successful at what he did if the crew didn't find him. Robin said now he's not dead and he has to get through this.
Robin read a story about Jodi Arias and how she took the stand trying to avoid the death sentence. Robin said that she was saying that she shouldn't get it because she'd like to start recycling. Robin said she wants to help recycle and help survivors of spousal abuse. Robin said she did admit that she lied and she was sorry. Robin said that she was asking for mercy for her family so she doesn't have to put them through that. Robin said she will never paint again either because you can't get oil paints in jail. Howard said the guy she killed will never paint again either. Howard said John Wayne Gacy painted in jail. Gary said he knows someone who owns one of his paintings. He said the way it worked was you'd send him the paints and he'd send you the painting. Howard said that's creepy.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about STP replacing Scott Weiland with the guy from Lincoln Park. Howard said they want to perform and they can't deal with Scott. Howard said he doesn't think too many fans care if it's not Scott singing. Howard said he heard a clip on the internet and it sounded off key to him. He said it's possible it wasn't but it didn't sound very promising to him. Howard said Van Halen did it with a new singer but there aren't many out there that can pull it off. He said AC/DC did it but that's about it. Howard read a live commercial and then a break.
After the break, around 9:35am, we heard ''A Sexy Tip from Ronnie the Limo Driver'' bit. Fred also played Metallica's ''Until it Sleeps'' as they were coming back. Howard did one more live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news and read more about the Jodi Arias case. Robin said they've lifted the media ban on her so she's been doing interviews. Robin had some clips of her talking about what her family was telling her to reconsider the death penalty. Howard wondered if she just wasn't pretty enough to get off. Robin said that's what she thought it was.
Howard said May is national Masturbation month. Robin said she did not know that. Howard said it's insulting that this month is 31 days but Black History month is in February with only 28 days. Howard said that he's behind his black brothers and sisters on that. He said they should swap months.
Robin read about how Brad Pitt is still talking about Jennifer Aniston being a misery in his life. Howard said maybe he was the misery in his own life. He said he should back off of her. Howard said he's not sure why Masturbation needs a month. He said maybe it should be ''Lay off the Masturbation'' month. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a new diet book that's out by Jorge Cruz. Robin said he promises you can eat pancakes and muffins. Robin said you have to substitute wheat flour with coconut and flax meal. Howard said the guy is on to something. He said the flax stuff makes you shit. He said his mom is on that. He did his impression of her for a few seconds.
Howard took a call from someone who had fallen asleep on the line. Howard hung up saying he didn't have time for that.
Robin read about what was going on out in Oklahoma where homes were just flattened. Robin said that there are just sticks remaining. Robin said that the storm blew in and blew out and took everything with it. Robin had some audio of some people commenting on what happened out there. One guy lost his daughter in the storm.
Howard said that the senator who denied relief for Hurricane Sandy is now asking for funds for Oklahoma. Howard said he's all for helping out but you can't deny one and ask for another. Howard said the God Hates Fags people are blaming this tornado on gay people. He said he's not sure how the relate that to the storm though. Howard said Alex Jones is saying that the government could have caused the tornado with weather control. Howard had a clip of Jones talking about that. Jones says ''they'' are trying to ruin our crops and stuff and Howard said he wonders who ''they'' are. Jones said that people saw small planes and helicopters in the area spraying stuff in the air. He said you know ''they'' did this. Howard said that there are people who think that the weather is controlled like that. He said there are theories that they control the snow so the ski resorts don't get insurance coverage when it doesn't snow enough. They played a song parody for JD and then Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a woman who had just moved to Moore, Oklahoma when this tornado happened. Robin said they were in a storm cellar. Robin had some audio of the woman talking about what it was like when they came out. Howard said he can't take it anymore. He said this is just so awful. He said he's angry at the news for showing it and at the moon because he thinks the moon causes this stuff. Howard said he'd have the moon destroyed if he were president.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who told Howard to watch the whole tape of that woman finding her dog. Howard said he just saw it. Mariann said she's going to see him at Katie's show. Howard told her to take it down a notch. Howard said it might be good seeing a woman going crazy for him though. He said at least she looks normal. Howard said he gives her permission to go nuts. Howard had to hang up on her. He was annoyed that he had to go do that show today. He said Beth will calm him down somewhat. He said he forgot he had to do that show last night. He said he was trimming himself up last night but then he realized what was happening today. He said he woke up and someone reminded him what he was doing. Howard said he was going to try to beat traffic and get out of town. Howard said it seemed so far away when he booked the show. Then the day comes and he gets all worked up. Howard said he knows someone is going to get a question that works him up. He said he may have more questions for her than she does for him. Robin said she doesn't know about that. Howard said that they had him doing work for their show to get pictures and things like that. Howard said Beth helped out with that but even she wasn't interested. He said they wanted a picture of him and Robin and he didn't have one. He said the only one they have is of them with Arlen Spector. Robin said there is one from Penthouse Magazine that's about 100 years old. Howard said he should bring that one with him. Howard had to do another live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when people are going to stop saying ''the self proclaimed King of All Media'' and just say he's the king. Howard said they just can't do it. He said they can't handle it because it drives them crazy. He said this big, ugly monster is the king of all media and they can't handle it. Howard said they didn't know he'd have a button penis. He said they thought he'd have a big cock.
Robin read a story about a woman who taught her daughter a lesson for bullying. Robin said that she made her 10 year old daughter wear a thrift shop dress. Robin had some audio of the girl talking about why she had to wear the dress and the lesson she learned. Robin said that's parenting. Howard said he's not sure about that. He said you could just sit down with the kid and talk to her. Robin said sometimes words don't teach. Robin said that they're talking about Bullying and how to stop that and this is one way.
Robin read a story about Anthony Weiner running for mayor. He made it official this week. Howard said they got the email from his campaign today. Robin said it should be a fun campaign.
Robin said today the rock and roll world is upset again. Robin said that the bass guitarist from the band Uriah Heep is dead. Robin said his name is Trevor Bolder. Howard said he wasn't a fan of Uriah Heep. Fred said no one was. Robin said he played with David Bowie so Bowie is remembering him today.
Howard said he read that the rest of the Jackson 5 and the rest of the Doors are going to tour together. Howard wondered who would want to go see that.
Howard said that some guy put on eBay that he has the secret formula for Coca Cola and he's trying to sell it for $15 million. Howard said he can go buy a whole case of the stuff for 15 bucks. He said he's not sure why anyone would pay that money for the recipe.
Robin read about Kim Kardashian having a music box out that plays a Kanye West song. Robin had some audio of the song it plays.
Robin said that Carole King is being honored at the White House today. Robin had some of her music and said that King will be performing herself. Howard said he's upset that the president isn't doing that for him.
Robin read about how someone put out the list of 100 top drummers for alternative music and Dave Grohl is at the top. Howard said he's great. They played some Nirvana music. Howard said Dave has a good sense of humor too. He said Dave and the guy came out in big, white outfits to goof on Rush for what they wore on an album cover. Howard said that was pretty funny. Robin read that this was in Spin magazine. Howard said that's the news that Spin is still around. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:15am.
Jon also brought up how Richard talked about Sal today and Howard went off on him for bringing Sal up. Jon said Richard can't take credit on his own. He said sometimes the team isn't needed. Jon said he knows Sal avoids the gayer stuff and he may not mind not being part of that team.
JD asked if he's saying that his pouring beer in his ass was gay. Jon said he's not but Sal seems to be shying away from that kind of thing. JD said he thinks it's harder for Richard not to have Sal involved than it is for Sal not to have Richard. Jon said they'll talk to Richard and Sal and find out what they feel.
Richard came in so Jon asked if he feels he has to bring Sal up with things he's not involved with. Richard said no. He said that it just happened to be by chance that JD was the one pouring the beer. He said he wanted to let him do it the second time. He said he loves his honey Sal but he thinks that Sal would have shoved the bottle into his rectum. He said he didn't want that to happen.
Richard said that Benjy once blew air into his butt with a straw. Benjy asked if Richard thinks that he has some special thing with his ass. Richard said he was thinking about doing something with wine and cheese to see if his ass can tell the differences with wine.
Jon said that this does make Richard very special. He asked Sal what he thinks about being left out of this beer thing. Sal said it just happened and he wasn't really left out. He said he thought it was a great segment. He said he gets his own time on the air and Richard doesn't cry when he's left out of something. He said that the asshole thing was great. Richard said he didn't get upset when Sal did the pouch thing with Jason Ellis.
Jon said the bit was great but Sal wasn't a part of it. Sal said that's fine and Richard deserves it. Richard said they're making something out of this that's just not there. He said they're both fine with it. He said years ago they both had to be on the phone calls they made but now they don't need that.
Sal said he's genuinely happy for Richard. He said the only person you hurt is yourself when you harbor resentment. Gary asked if he left the OWN network on last night or something. Sal said he's been frustrated in the past about things but this doesn't upset him anymore. He said he loves working with Richard and he's so talented. Richard said ''Thanks honey.'' Richard said they bring in other people to work with them and give their opinions on things. Gary asked how long they've worked together. Richard said it's almost 10 years now.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Richard got buzzed or drunk yesterday. Richard said he didn't get as buzzed as he did the first time. He said he might be building up an ass tolerance. They went to break a short time later.
Benjy asked JD if he has any desire to interact with people. JD said he would like to. He said he heard Zach talking to Richard and Sal and they were having a lot of conversations. He said his brain just locks up when he tries to do that. He said he'd like to be better. Richard said he knows that he was excited to interact with Selena Gomez. JD said that some guy came back and said she wanted a tour. no one else was there. JD said he would have done that. He said he waited by the door and she was signing the wall. It turned out it was her dad who wanted the tour, not Selena. He said he would have done it anyway but he was getting nervous. He said he's not sure how good it would have been.
Gary said that JD will turn his chair around for a hot chick but not for everyone. JD said he did turn around to Zach. He said he had to let him see the Stacy Keibler poster. Gary said his body language is not inviting. JD said he'll try to change that. JD said he wouldn't have known what to say to Bill Hader. He said he likes the guy but he wouldn't have known what to say. Jon said all he has to say is ''It's nice to meet you.''
Benjy asked JD why he's more comfortable to open up to a hot woman. Gary said that's because he's horny. JD said he still doesn't know what to say to them.
Jon said that Bill Hader was talking about how nervous he gets for SNL when he's going on air. He said he's still nervous after all these years. Sal said he has dreams about doing the show. He said he just had one last night. He said he and Richard were in the hall and he figured they had to get out of the hall or Howard would fire them. Richard said that he shouldn't have brought up Sal's name today so he got upset about that today. Sal said that Howard is making him out to be the Boston bomber. He said that's why he has anxiety on the show.
Jon asked Gary if he dreams about Howard too. Gary said he used to. He said that he would get really nervous about shows and especially the live shows they did in Las Vegas and places like that. Gary said at every first show on location Howard would yell at him. Benjy said he replays arguments from the show in his head all the time too.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked JD about dealing with people on the show. JD said that's just him every day. He said he's not sure who wouldn't be nervous.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Howard tried to ask Bill Hader to do some impressions and he didn't seem comfortable doing them. He asked if they know that ahead of time that he's not going to do the voices. Gary said they don't know ahead of time. Gary said that's not something they'd ask. He said Howard likes to let it play out. He said he did his Al Pacino and Casey Kasem. They spent a few seconds on that and then went to break.
Jon asked Gary about Lisa's feud with Wendy Williams and how Lena Dunham didn't really stick up for her. Gary said Lisa has been making these jokes for a long time and he's not sure why Wendy cracked on this one time. He said she knew what Lisa was doing before.
Benjy said that if Wendy is really upset she should have a discussion with her about it instead of doing a ''gotcha'' kind of thing with her. Gary said that would be like Benjy showing up late and he'd just tweet out that he was fired.
Jon asked Sal about where he comes down on this N-word thing. Sal said she's made a fortune with that N-word and she can get away with it for some reason. Sal said if it comes to bite you in the ass once in a while then deal with it. He said that it's up to her the way she wants to handle it. He said she should be prepared for some backlash. Gary said that Sal has done some racist humor on the show. Sal said that it doesn't make you racist.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how they'd rate Lisa on a scale of 10. He hasn't seen her in years. Richard said she looks good. He said that he's lost some himself and he's glad to see that Lisa is keeping it off.
Benjy said that Lisa seems to act more demure now that she's thin. Sal said that's the way Joe Piscopo is. He said he stopped being funny when he worked out. Jon asked if he still likes Al Roker. Sal said he liked Al when he was heavy. He said some fat people look like wet garbage bags that washed up on the beach. Gary said Lisa can't do some of her old fat jokes now that she's thin either.
Jon said that Howard was talking about how he has no emotions. He asked where the bit ends and where the real guy is. Gary said he knows that Howard has told him that he's almost cried. He said one of those times was after Bianca died.
Sal said that he gets upset when he watches Long Island Medium. He said when he sees people cry it makes him cry. He said that anything to do with kids makes him cry too. He said that's why Jon should stay away from him. They ended the show after that. They were done at 11:00am.
The Name Game. 5-23-96. Early this morning a caller asked Howard what his middle name was. Of course this led to finding out everyone's middle name. Howard's middle name is Allan. Jackie is Cogar or something like that and Gary's is Patrick. Now comes the really weird story. Howard asked Fred what his middle name was. He told Howard that it's Fred. ''...so it's Fred Fred?'' Howard said to Fred. Nope not quite. Fred explained that his middle name used to be Leo up until about 2 years ago when he legally changed his name to Eric Fred Norris. Howard questioned him as to why he didn't just change the middle name. He said that he has never really liked the name Fred and he liked the way Eric looked on a credit card(he was kidding). Howard wanted to know if Fred wanted to be called Eric from now on. Fred doesn't think that will happen so for now it's still Fred. But for the rest of the morning Howard tried to call him Eric. I figured that it was just a Martian tradition to change names every 40 years or so. So I faxed a little letter in and Robin read it on the air along with a bunch of others. It went something like this: Howard, What Eric (Fred) isn't telling you about his name change is that it's a Martian tradition! Every 40 years or so Martians are supposed to rotate names....
Mystery Record Leads To Howard's Mom Calling In. 05/01/2001. 8:35am
Howard mentioned that Michael Model died yesterday after his battle with Hodgkin's disease. He was a friend of the show so Howard was upset about the news.
Howard spent a minute talking to Robin about singer Esthero who he wants to get on the show to perform a song. Howard said he talked about her on the show one other time and Robin hated the song that he played. Esthero dislikes Robin now that she's said that. Howard jokingly said she wants to box Robin over her comments.
A phone caller asked Howard if he could play a game to win something today. Gary had a mystery record to play so they offered the guy a Palm M105 as the prize. Howard played the record of a guy singing in Italian. It was awful and the guy didn't get it right but Howard gave him the prize anyway. It turned out to be one of the guys from ''The Sopranos'' who was singing so poorly. Gary said it's off of the soundtrack album for the show called ''The Sopranos, Peppers and Eggs'' which will be available soon.
Robin said the singing was similar to Howard's father singing on the old tapes he has from 40 years go. Howard had Fred play those tapes so he could compare them. That led to Howard talking about his father and how he yelled at him so much when he was a kid.
Howard's mother called in a short time later to yell at Howard for talking about his father that way. Fred was playing the tapes of Ben Stern yelling ''Shut up, sit down!'' and ''I told you not to be stupid you moron!'' and Howard was saying that's the reason he has to go to a shrink. He wondered if he should bring those tapes to the shrink to play. Howard's mother told him that she can't believe he's playing those tapes and making fun of his father that way. She was saying that his father never yelled at him like that, other than those rare moments that were caught on tape. She also said that Howard doesn't need a psychiatrist because it's all nonsense. She doesn't believe in them and she doesn't think that they do any good for people.
Robin told Ray that she went to a shrink and it did a lot of good for her. Gary and Stuttering John agreed that it helped her out a lot. They also told Ray that it's made Howard a different man. Howard was a miserable guy 4-5 years ago according to John. He's more understanding and relaxed now and it shows. Ray just thinks that Howard's past is just that, his past, and he doesn't need to think about it anymore. He tried to tell her that's why he goes to the shrink but she just doesn't want to hear it.
Howard's buddy Ralph came in and backed up everything everyone was saying. He hangs out with Howard more than anyone and he would know. Howard said Ralph knows him better than his own mother so he should know more than she does. Howard thinks that his mother just thinks that since she raised him, there can't be anything wrong with her son. That just isn't true though. Howard eventually told his mommy that he loves her and his father very much. After he hung up he said to call and set up an appointment with his shrink right away.
Howard Plays Tape And Games. 5/23/00. 8:05am
A listener called in and told Howard that he loves ''Son of the Beach''. He then asked for tickets to the Dysfunctional Family Picnic concert that his station is having in New Jersey next month. Howard said he could play a game for the chance to win so they played ''Jackie True-False''. The guy had to get 3 out of 5 correct. He got the first three right but KC read off a few more of them after the call. Here are the questions:
Gary had a ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' game that a listener sent in for Howard to play. He'd told Howard during a break that the game was ''geared toward him''. Howard misunderstood and thought that it was a Howard Stern trivia game. After the confusion Howard played the lame game. He was tired of it after the 11th question. Here are some of the questions. I don't have all of the choices that Howard had, just the final, correct answer:
In the clip Howard said that this DJ he used to work with, Donna Donna, sent him a tape that had him broadcasting on WRNW many years ago. Howard said she was nice enough to send it to him. He said she's the anchor woman and he's out in the field. He was at a promotion for a movie. Gary said Donna told him that her mother was cleaning her room when she found the tape. Gary said it's pretty bad. Howard said it is real bad. He said he has heard it and it's really embarrassing. Howard said he couldn't even listen to it. Gary said Howard was talking into a microphone that was hooked into a phone.
Howard said that this movie ''Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band'' was out and it was already a bomb. He said the movie production company had already bought time on the station so they had to go out and do this. Howard said he went to the Westchester premiere of the movie. He said there were only 3 young, teenage girls there.
Howard played a little bit of the clip for Robin and he hated it so much he wanted to stop. Robin told him to keep going. Howard was doing his radio voice back then and he sounded gay to Robin. Howard said he wrote this stuff himself but he wishes he could say that someone else wrote it.
Howard played more of his intro for the station and said that he was actually one of the better jocks. Howard said it's like Dracula talking. Howard said he was the world's worst disc jockey. He said just imagine who they didn't hire.
Howard said he edited all of that too. He said he doesn't know how he did it. He said he can't imagine listening to himself doing that. He said he's not sure how anyone listened to that station.
Howard said that took him like 5 minutes to produce. He said it's just as good as what Scott does and he did it much quicker. He said he didn't have a digital work station like Scott does. Howard said he was proud of that compared to what happened at the Peter Frampton movie premiere.
Howard played some of the audio from the movie premiere. Howard said the owner of the theater was disgusted. He said no one could even pick up the station in the town they were in. He said the owner sees him show up in a van and then he clips into a telephone with his microphone. He said he breaks the guy's phone to do that. He said he should have just talked into the phone. Howard said he's the world's worst disc jockey too.
Howard had the crowd yell but it turned out there weren't that many there. Howard said it sounded like a lot more than there really were.
Howard said one of the girls there yelled out ''go blow'' when he was trying to talk to them. Howard said he knew he was in trouble then. Howard was still going and said that Donna even wanted out. He asked if they had to listen to any more of this. Robin said she wanted to get to the end of it. Howard played more of the clip where he was telling Donna about seeing the movie. He told the people to say they liked the movie but no one did. Howard interviewed a girl there who had been singing earlier but wouldn't sing on the phone. Howard cut the clip off saying he had heard enough. Robin said she doesn't know what to say. Howard said he doesn't even know what he was talking about back then.
Howard played a little more of the audio. Donna wasn't helping him out with this. He said she didn't like him. Gary asked how old he was then. Howard said he was 21.
Howard played more audio and he asked one of the girls what her favorite part was. She said ''none.'' Howard said that no one was helping him out. He said that he couldn't ask if they liked the movie. He said they were there for Peter Frampton. He said the music in the movie sucked. Howard asked people there if they wanted to comment on the movie and no one did. Howard said this was going to go on forever and he was there by himself. He said he was in the theater with an angry owner who wanted to leave. Howard said he had a guy in the lobby asking people to sing. He said he just wanted to go home.
Howard said it was real bad. He said at least they didn't make him dress up in a Sgt. Pepper outfit. He said that would have been the worst.
Howard said he didn't know what he was doing back then. He said no one was listening anyway. Howard played a little more audio where he was talking to a guy at the theater. Howard said he thinks that guy may have come there with him.
Billy West started doing his impression of Howard in the tape. He was speaking really slow and speaking in a very odd way. Howard said there was more tape but he was afraid to listen to it. Howard said he may play more later but he has to work into it. He said they're all a little shook up.
Robin's Weight Loss Secrets Revealed! 5/23/03. 6:00am
Howard said Wendy the Retard will be in this morning as well as Beetlejuice and Gary the Retard. They're coming in to compete for a date with her. Artie said ''Imagine, we had Jim Carrey in yesterday.''
Gary came in and brought up how good Robin looks and how great she's done losing weight. Howard told him he was making too much of a big deal out of it though. Robin told Howard she likes the compliments she's been getting. Stuttering John said her breasts look great these days as well. He said he'd do her because she's looking so great. Her ass has apparently gotten very small and tight according to Gary. Robin said John will yell out to her ''Shake that ass!'' when she's walking down the hall sometimes. Howard said they're on the verge of sexual harassment. He still thought they were going a little overboard though. Robin said she's liking it though. Gary said he told her that she's getting into top shape and said he asked her if she would consider doing Playboy for a million bucks. She told him ''Absolutely!'' Robin told Howard she has to still lose a few more pounds though so she's got a little work left to do. She said she'd hold out for the million though. Howard said he thinks it would be very difficult to get a million bucks out of Playboy though. John asked her if she'd be willing to ''show everything'' in the magazine if she did it. Howard said she'd have to show everything. Robin said she doesn't have to show everything, she could do what she wants. Howard told her when Playboy was done airbrushing her, she'd have just a line of hair down below and she'd look even better.
Stuttering John asked Howard if he'd do Playgirl for a million bucks. Howard said he's offered to do something like that but no one takes him up on the offer. No one wants to see that though. Howard tried to get Robin to talk about her weight loss but she said there's really not an easy explanation. She also said she's still not ready to tell people how she did it. Howard said he can tell people how to lose weight, just get out and move around and stop eating so much. Robin said she had a complicated situation and was dying so she had to do something about it. She eventually broke down and told the guys what happened. She said that she just stopped eating all food. She said she gave it up for 21 days! She claims she suffered from Infmamatory Syndrome. The guys wondered if she took IVs or something. That was a negative. Robin said when she ate her food would just lay in her digestive tract and wouldn't come out so she starved herself. She also said she has a hypo-thyroid condition and that doesn't help. She said she only eats on special occasions now. Robin said she has eaten this week, maybe five days. She said she has one meal a day or so now. She said her body is now able to process food so she can eat a little bit here and there. She said she can't eat bread or dairy products or most fruits. She's eating nuts, salads and a little fish. Last night she had a lobster tail and a salad. Howard said that's how she's doing it and that's what fat people have to do. Robin said she lost 60 pounds in just a few months and it was pretty drastic. Gary asked her how hard it was to fast for 21 days. Robin said it really wasn't bad and it actually felt good to just not eat. She said she felt better not eating. Stuttering John said this was great news and all fat women should listen to this. Robin said she won't be writing a book or anything. Howard said he wants to see a book about that and thinks she should at least do an interview for Playboy where she talks about this stuff. Howard said the diet is simple, just stop eating. He said you have to eat something to stay alive but cutting down on food by at least half would help. Robin said she did have a drink she used during that 21 day fast of hers. She said there's water and a little juice (some sort of fruit) and no special powders or anything like that. She said someone did give her this tip about how to lose the weight and it was someone on the show. She said she would reveal who that person is some day. She said that person was a male celebrity but wouldn't tell Howard who it was. Robin said every person is different and no one should be eating the same thing as others. You have to choose what's best for you. Howard added that people should cut down on the amount of food they eat. It's very simple. Howard said Robin was eating like a man and that's why she was so fat. Robin said she really didn't eat that much and she didn't eat that much crap. Howard said Robin is doing what all hot chicks do, not eating. Robin said that's not exactly it though. She said people have to ''Stop Fighting Your Body.'' The guys said that sounds like the title of her next book. She says that won't happen though. Artie told Robin he hadn't eaten since six o'clock and he was starving. It was only 6:25. Robin said she will eventually tell the person who told her how to lose the weight about how they helped when they show up on the show again. She said she has already thanked him in person. Howard wanted her to talk about this special drink she was using but she wouldn't give him the details. Howard wanted someone to steal it so they could have it analyzed. She said she'll one day reveal that information but not today. Howard took a break after not being able to get anymore info out of her.
Howard came back from break and said they figured out who the celebrity was who turned her life around. He said it was David Blaine who fasts before the stunts he pulls. Robin told Howard he could be right... Then she said she thanked him for what he did for her. Howard also mentioned that the drink might be the same thing he drinks before his stunts which contains lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup (Check this link for the Lemonade Cleanse recipe). Robin said the drink is a high alkaline content drink that does something to the body to help it along. Howard joked that Robin has a laboratory in her house and is doing all kinds of research there. He also said she's doing laser eye surgery there. Howard said he doesn't care what Robin drinks as long as she's happy and cheerful on the air. Robin said that Robin Radzinski from E! would see her drinking this yellow drink and would take guesses at what it was. She said she'd say ''Okay, that's deer piss'' and stuff like that when she'd see the yellow drink. Howard congratulated Robin again and told her she should work on curing spinal cord injuries. Robin told Howard that the syrup has to be real maple syrup, grade B, not Log Cabin stuff.
Howard moved on to other things after that. He said he watched the ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' final episode. He said he'd give it a ''B.'' Howard said it was a surprise to him and he liked it. Robin said there were a few things they could have left out of the episode but overall it was good. Howard said he's glad some of these shows are going off the air. He's tired of recording so many shows. He's glad the ''American Idol'' thing is over now. He's still talking about how glad he is that Clay didn't win. They also talked about how Simon Cowell has decided not to come back for a third season. Robin and Howard both think that will bring and end to the show. Robin's glad about that. Howard also heard that Clay learned ahead of time that he lost because Ryan Seacrest had to have it written down on a card that he saw. Howard said Ryan also got the vote difference wrong. It wasn't 1300 votes it was 130,000.
In the clip Howard introduced Joe Clark who was the inspiration for the movie ''Lean On Me.'' Howard said Joe went into a black school and fixed the school because the students were out of control. Robin said he went to a school, not a black school.
Howard talked to Joe as one of the out of control students and asked him to light his crack pipe. Joe played along and spoke to Howard as he would with a student. Joe said he demanded that the young people behave in a democratic society. He said he threw out the kids who were miscreants. Robin said he had high expectations for these students when no one else did. She said he expected them to be like everyone else. Joe said he did have high expectations for these students. He said this is what brought cohesion to the school.
Howard said he loves his big words. Robin said they used to take his words and look them up. Howard asked Joe about some big words. Howard went through a few and Joe knew some of them but didn't know a couple.
Howard said Joe is like him in a way. Howard said he made the kids learn a song and he wants Joe to learn a song. He played Jackie's ''Cold Gold'' but cut it off after a few seconds.
Joe said he's going to embark on a new endeavor. He said he's going to become a radio show host. Howard said that's a good idea for him. He said he has a good command of the language and people will go wild for that. Howard said he makes a lot of sense with his ideas too so that will work for him. Howard said he should have a radio show. Joe said he thinks he's correct.
Joe said he's starting on Saturday from 8-10am. Joe said he encourages his fans to call into their local stations to get hooked up into it.
Howard said he's going to give Joe some rehearsal. He pretended to be a phone caller. Joe played along and Howard played a bad caller. Joe was telling him how to make a call so Howard broke into his Stern Fan prank caller and yelled out ''Baba Booey! Howard Stern!'' a few times.
Howard said that Joe is going to be a good radio show host. He said he has what it takes. Robin said what she likes about Joe is unpredictability. She asked what he thinks about OJ. Joe said the verdict is still out. Howard said he's seen the evidence so what does he think. Joe said that it's etching away the soul of this country. Howard said it's clear that he killed his wife. Howard said he would tune in to hear Joe talk about these things.
Howard said he thinks that this should have been taken off TV when they had a chance. Howard said judge Ito shouldn't have had it on TV all this time. He asked Joe if he thinks he's correct. Joe didn't say anything so Howard answered for him.
Howard played another phone caller and rehearsed the radio show thing with Joe. Howard asked if he's still married. Joe said he is. He said he's happily married. Howard asked if the kids are doing well. Joe said they are.
Howard talked to Joe more about what it was like running a school and what kind of kids they had there. Joe said there were white kids in the school. He said they had about 10 there.
Howard said Joe is looking for more stations to sign on with his network. Joe said that's what he is looking for. Howard gave him some advice on what to do for ratings. He told him to slip in the word ''vagina'' once in a while. He had Jackie help out with how to slip those in. Jackie would cough and say the word at the same time.
Howard wished Joe luck with his radio show and asked if he will have his megaphone with him. Joe said he doesn't think he needs it. Howard wished him luck again and congratulated him. He said he thinks he'll have great success with this show. They wrapped up a short time later.
KC Interviews Marv Albert. 5/23/97. 7:15am
Since Stuttering John is so recognizable nowadays Howard is sending out interns to do the interviewing. Last night KC The intern went to the Marv Albert press conference and yelled out a couple of questions. He didn't get any response from Marv because he's not supposed to answer any questions. Marv has been accused of biting some woman's back about 15 times. He held the press conference to deny the charges. Here are some of the questions that KC blurted out:
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 9:10am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:10am.