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Howard 100 News And Wrap Up Show Previews. 05/18/06. 10:10am
Howard came back from break and had George Flowers and Jon Hein come in with their news and Wrap Up shows previews. George quickly ran down the stuff that they'll be covering on Howard 100 News throughout the day. He mentioned some of the same stuff that Lisa G mentioned earlier in the morning. Jon Hein then gave a quick rundown of what they had coming up on the Wrap Up Show today. He mentioned a few things that went on during the show today that will be discussed during that show.
Siobhan was brought up so Fred was doing his impression of her. Jon was hoping that Both Fred (as Siobhan) and Siobhan would show up on The Wrap Up Show today. Fred kept going with his impression and goofed on her for a short time. Howard thanked those guys for their previews and said that it's quite a team they've put together. Dee said that it's amazing how much the show has changed over the years.
Howard wanted the guys to bring in Siobhan the Transsexual so they could talk to her about the two guys that failed to show up. Gary told Howard that he had one of the guys on the phone. The guy said that he had car trouble this morning and wasn't able to make it in this morning. The guy said he wouldn't have called in if he was lying about it. He wanted one more chance but Gary didn't want to give it to him. Gary said that the guy told them that he was on his way two times this morning. He even said that Gary spoke to his father about it when he called. Howard said he would give him one more chance on Monday.
Siobhan Doesn't Lose Her Virginity Today. 05/18/06. 10:25am
As Siobhan was coming in Fred played the Munsters theme song. Dee hadn't seen her since before she had the operation to remove her penis. Howard asked Dee if he could possibly bang that. Dee said ''Uhm, no...'' Howard doesn't think that he's feminine in any way. Dee says that she had some guys smiling at her on her way over this morning.
Howard got the guy on the phone who said that he couldn't make it this morning. That guy told Siobhan that he had to go to the methadone clinic this morning but they opened late so he had to go there later. He said he'll definitely make it there on Monday though.
Howard asked Siobhan to show off her new pussy to Dee. She pulled down her panties and showed it to the guys while Fred was playing the music from ''Psycho.'' Howard asked her what the hell that is down there and no one was sure. That led to the guys talking to her about how that thing down there is a wound and the body is always trying to heal it. Siobhan has to put a stent in there to keep it open.
Siobhan asked the guy how she knows that he doesn't have any diseases if he's on methadone. The guy said he was just tested recently and he is clean. Howard asked Siobhan about her clitoris and where that's at. She said that it's there but it's under the skin. Howard noticed that Dee was remaining silent through all of this. Dee was just taking it all in.
Howard said he thinks that he'll be able to get this guy to come in on Monday. Dee wondered how they picked him. Howard said there was no choice, they took the guy who called in and volunteered to bang her. The guys got to see Siobhan's breasts but Howard sounded kind of grossed out by it. Benjy's said that if you just look at the nipple, it doesn't look so bad. Howard didn't want to look, it was a dude's nipple.
Siobhan was asking the guy on the phone how big his penis is. The guy said that it's probably about 5 or 6 inches and about as big around as a cigar. Siobhan wondered if it was going to be all droopy from the methadone. Howard told her she doesn't have much of a choice in all of this. He told her that she can't fit much of anything in there because it's just a big, open hole. He said he was going to take a look in there, turned on his echo and took a look around. Then he tried to find his lost watch in there. There was some traffic, a train and Jackie's dead cat Timmy walking around inside the hole.
The caller asked Siobhan if she still stinks down there. She said that it smells like a fine aged cheese. She said that she has to douche it once in a while but not that often. Howard said that if this guy drops a load inside of her, he's going to have to ladle it out. Siobhan said that she would have him lick it out.
Gary said that when they were back at K-Rock they had Siobhan on the show to show them how she pleasures herself and both he and Jason caught a whiff of something from down there and it was pretty bad. He said it's kind of like one of those puddles of water where mosquitos are born. Howard went back in with the echo on and found mosquitos flying around inside her fake pussy.
Siobhan asked Howard why he can't hook her up with a porn star like he was trying to do with Eric the Midget. Howard said that she's a hard sell and he can't hook her up with a porn star. That's when Richard and Sal came in and said that they would be willing to finger and smell Siobhan for a certain amount of money. Howard told him he was about to vomit when he heard that. The guys were wondering why Sal and Richard had to wear gloves. Richard said he didn't want her juices on him but then said that it was for her safety.
Howard told the guy to hold on so they could try and set him up for Monday. He was also saying he's not sure he wants to see Sal and Richard sniffing Siobhan's pussy. He said that was making him sick. Howard asked her if she thinks it smells. She said that she asked her gynecologist if it smelled down there and she was told it was fine.
Howard wasn't going to pay the guys to do the fingering so he said they had to do it on their own. Richard said that he wanted safety goggles just in case she squirted or something. She said that she might pee on him. Siobhan seemed kind of happy that it was Richard who was going to do the fingering.
Richard told Siobhan that she had to guide his finger in there because he wasn't going to look. Howard said that this was just vile as it was going on. He refused to look while Richard was going in. There was a lot of ''Ooos and Ahhhs'' coming from everyone as it was happening. They had to put some lube in there before putting Richard's finger in there.
There was a lot of yelling and screaming all of a sudden. Then Sal got on mic and started dry heaving. He said he couldn't smell it because he was so grossed out. Richard made him smell it because he did promise to do it. Richard hit his nose and Sal ended up puking. Richard then chased him out of the room with the glove. Howard and Artie were telling Richard to stay on his side, they didn't want to smell it.
Richard said that he couldn't even describe what he felt. He said that it was like putting his hand in a muddy crawdad hole. Siobhan had grabbed Richard and wouldn't let him go while his finger was in there. She really liked it but Richard said that it was like sticking his finger in mud. He hadn't smelled it yet so Howard told him to go ahead and do it. Richard took a whiff and dry heaved. He said that it smells like when he sweats and runs his fingers along his balls and sniffs it. Sal came back in and said that it smells like ass, vagina and the bottom of a garbage pail all together.
Richard asked Sal if he wanted to smell it again. Sal said there was no way he was going to do that again. Howard told Siobhan that with that kind of commercial they're sure to find someone to screw her. Dee told Richard that if there's someone he dislikes in the building, he should leave the glove in their drawer. Howard said they really can't do that.
Howard said he turned his head at one time and saw that Siobhan's vagina is in the wrong place. It's too high on the front of her. He said it was really hard core stuff. It weakened him and he was barely able to go on. Dee asked if that was worse than when Buck Angel rode the Sybian. Dee said he was on the show that day and followed her ride on the Sybian.
Gary said that Doug Goodstein came in and asked ''what's next?'' Even he was shocked by that. Howard said that Robin really had to get to her news. Fred was missing so Howard said that he probably walked out because he was so offended by what just went on. Fred came back a short time later and said he was just in the bathroom and not protesting the show or anything like that. Robin got into her news after that.
In the clip Howard said he heard a racist joke the other day. He said he heard it but told the guy that it was wrong to tell a joke like that. Jackie had a few jokes in his arsenal so he told Howard one about what black jelly beans will do if you stick your hand into a jelly bean jar. He said the black ones will steal your watch. Howard said that's not that great. He wanted to hear more.
Jackie told Howard another joke that didn't go over so well with Howard. Jackie was laughing though. Fred said Jackie is so proud of that stuff.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard about a whole string of jokes he does with every ethnic group in it. Howard said if he does that then he's not considered racist. Howard asked if he could do that now. Jackie told Howard some of those jokes. Howard chuckled at some of those. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Jackie telling his jokes while he was telling them. Howard said Jackie thinks they're so funny.
Jackie told a few more and Howard asked if he was done. Jackie said he had another one. He told that and had Howard cracking up. Howard said that was a good one. Jackie said you have to come to a show and let them get to you. Jackie said Robin came to a show and laughed and she said he'd never come back. Howard said he's not sure how he remembers the jokes. John said he doesn't get it either. Jackie said he's been doing them for 50 years.
Jackie told another long joke about a gay guy and did an impression of a gay guy as he was doing it. That one had Gary cracking up. Howard said the best part is when Jackie laughs at his own jokes. Jackie said they hit you funny sometimes. He told Howard another one where he was doing a black guy voice. He had Howard laughing at that one too.
John said Jackie does a bunch of Anti-Semitic jokes. Jackie said he's drawing a blank on them. Gary said Jackie has like 5 for each ethnic group. Jackie said he's been waiting 12 years to do this and now he can't remember any. He remembered one and told that quickly.
Jackie said he should do this again next week. Howard said he likes it when Jackie isn't prepared. He didn't want to do it again next week. John told them again about the jokes he tells. Howard said he keeps repeating himself. He doesn't remember the jokes.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they have to listen to Sports Center and what Larry Johnson was saying. He said he was saying some stuff that was kind of crazy. Howard said they'll have to get that on tape. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jackie is such a bum. He said that he starts telling jokes and it makes you want to go to sleep. He said he should stop smoking pot and start smoking crack to wake himself up. He said his jokes aren't that great and his delivery is horrible. The guy said that he goes to events and people don't really want to see him. He said he's riding Howard's coat tails.
The caller also told Howard that his wife has an OCD problem and it's driving him nuts. He said he wants to kill her but he has to give into her. Howard said he wrote about it in his book. The caller said he can't read the book, he's a working man. Howard said he can't go through the whole story each time. He said that's why he wrote the book. The caller said he has to take his clothes off before he goes in the house. He told Jackie to kill himself before he hung up.
Mammary Lane - Gary's Breath 1987. 02/16/09. 11:05am
Next up was Jon Hein reading another e-mail from a fan who wanted to hear the segment where a fan came in and smelled Gary's breath. Gary talked about that day and how it went down. The segment was from June 2, 1987.
This segment wasn't in my archives. In the clip Howard was trying to do the show but there was a lot of noise coming from outside from the workers there. Howard talked about Gary's teeth and how he really has to clean them better to keep the stink away. Howard talked about his dentist and how he saved his teeth.
Howard talked to Gary about not brushing correctly and how he needs to learn to clean them better. Gary said he's never had any complaints from the women he's been with. Howard said that Gary's breath is incredible. Gary said that's just not true.
Gary said that he can't believe that Howard and Robin are having so much fun with this. Howard told him he really needs to get some mouth wash. Howard also said that it's really sad when your mouth is your smelliest orifice.
Howard told Gary that if he learned to do the right thing with his teeth and gums, his breath would be fresh in weeks. Gary said that he really doesn't think that it's that bad. Howard said it's so bad that it's famous. He said he would make and appointment for him under a fake name if he was going to go.
Howard said that even Joe Walsh laughs at his breath. Howard said he's smelled tukas better than Gary's breath. Howard, Jackie and Robin were all picking on Gary and saying that it's like he's talking out of his tukas. Everyone was laughing and Gary eventually got upset and said it was all a joke until that day. Robin told him that the smoking breath is really bad. She said that he should know that at least.
Howard said that he spends 15 minutes on his teeth when he's brushing his at night. Howard said he might get Gary an appointment for his birthday. His birthday was 9 months away though.
Howard said that Gary smells like he's backing into him. He said that homosexuals smell his breath and go into heat. Howard said he tries to help Gary out and that's why he's telling him all of this. He said that's why they did it in such a nice way.
Howard apologized to Gary for goofing on him. Gary said that he wasn't that upset about it. Howard asked Gary to bring some people in from the construction crew to ask them to smell his breath.
Gary brought a guy in and asked him if he knew the show. The guy did know Howard so Howard told him that Gary was the guy in the blue shirt. Then he told him he wanted him to smell his breath. The guy said ''Oh my god...'' Howard told him that his breath might be pretty bad.
Howard asked Gary to say ''Hello boss'' to the guy in his face. The guy said that he did need mouthwash. Howard asked how bad it was on a scale of 1 to 10. The worker said that it was an 8 if 10 was the worst. Howard asked Gary if he was getting the hint now. Gary said he did.
Later in that show Howard said he wanted to call Gary's girlfriend and ask her if she's smelling this stuff too. Howard said that his breath could take up the whole morning. He said that everyone must know someone with bad breath. He tried calling Gary's girlfriend but he was having phone problems.
Then he picked up on his mother Ray. She told him that he had hit a new low with that breath discussion. She said that she's never smelled anything like that around Gary. She said that if Howard had someone doing that to him he would hit the ceiling. Howard told her that he smells like a sewer.
Ray told Robin that she was going down the wrong road with this stuff too. Robin was laughing through the call. Ray told Howard not to cut her off. She thought that he was doing that to her and told him not to cut her off. Howard said that he wasn't cutting her off and he wasn't able to hold the button down on her. She told him to just do it.
Howard told his mother that if Stevie Wonder was walking by Gary, he'd end up putting a quarter in his nose and relive himself in his nose. Howard asked his mom if she's ever had a friend who smelled bad. Ray said that she knows that Gary isn't smelly.
Howard told Gary that he loves the way he works on the show. Ray was still going off on him about the way he was treating Gary. Howard said that his mother won't even let him get an earring. She said that was the one thing she asked him not to do and he's giving her a hard time about it.
Howard told his mother that he had to get a bigger office so he wouldn't have to breathe in Gary's breath anymore. She couldn't believe that he was still on this subject. Ray said that if anyone did that to Howard, he'd be very upset. Ray said that she'd get upset if she was Gary's mother too.
Howard said that he hears his mother getting knocked down on the phone and they need to fix the equipment there. Ray asked Howard to stop complaining about that stuff. She said there really wasn't a problem. Howard said that he's been throwing his weight around there a lot complaining about stuff. He said it doesn't do much good though. Howard let his mommy go and said that she's a pain in the neck. He said that's what he had to deal with when he was growing up. He said that even when he puts food in his mouth he hears that woman's voice in his head.
Sal The Stockbroker Strikes Again. 2/2/98. 8:45am
This Friday there will be a porn star in to give one lucky listener a nude rub down. The listener with the best hard-luck story will win the rub down. Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that when he was circumcised as a child the doctor messed up and sliced open his penis. Whatever the guy was talking about was a little too dirty for airing because the delay was hit a few times. Anyway, the guy strung Howard along for 5 minutes or so and then the ''Gary is a horse toothed jackass'' line came from the caller. It was Sal the Stockbroker goofing on the show once again. Last week Howard played the phony phone call they made to Sal so Sal figured he had to get revenge. Howard played the tape from last week again after hanging up on Sal. Later in the show another guy called in with, what sounded like a legitimate phone call. That guy also called Gary a ''Horse toothed jackass'' and hung up the phone. Howard was a little pissed so he said that he was going to tell Sal's boss about him not working. Stuttering John came in and said that he did tell on Sal one time and Sal called John crying about it. John said he could do it again if Sal calls in too much. Howard said he'd let him off this time but he'd better calm down with it.
More Gary Garver Interviews. 5/19/03. 7:55am
Wendy the Retard is supposed to be coming in and she was supposed to be on the phone so Howard could talk to her. She'd apparently fallen asleep on the phone and was snoring when Howard tried to talk to her. Howard and Artie tried to wake her up but it wasn't working. She eventually woke up and responded to some of the stuff Artie was yelling out. Howard and Robin talked to Wendy about her trip up to New York. She's driving up with someone instead of flying or taking the train from Florida. She was describing her breakfast and how she had ''Cocoa Puffs.'' Artie was goofing on her saying she had catsup with them and she said ''How did you know?'' It sounded like she was serious too. The guys were also wondering if they should hook Wendy up on a date with Gary the Retard. Artie said they have the same last name (The Retard) and wondered if they're related. Wendy asked if Gary the Retard knows how to bowl. She wants to go bowling with Gary and Beetlejuice for some reason. Howard said they should do a dating game with her. She interrupted him to sing some Karaoke songs for Howard. She forgot to put the phone up to her mouth so no one could hear her singing. She tried again after screwing it up the first time though. Howard wrapped up the call with Wendy and said they'd set her up on a date when she does come in. She asked him to not wear his glasses that day so she can check out his eyes. Howard asked Wendy who she thinks she looks like so he'd know what she looks like when she comes in. She said that she looks just like Britney Spears. Artie yelled out ''Yeah, if Britney Spears was a retard!'' Gary brought in a picture of her a short time later and Howard said she looks more like Roseanne than Britney Spears. He ended the call a short time later and went to break.
In the clip Robin read a story about Danny Glover complaining about not being able to catch a taxi cab. That led to Howard doing an impression of what the cab driver might sound like. Fred got in on that too. Howard and Fred went back and forth talking about the people they would pick up in the cab. Howard said a lot of Indians come here and drive cabs but they're afraid of the black man. Howard and Fred kept going with their impressions of the cab driver. Robin said that Danny Glover has filed a complaint over that.
Robin read another story about Ricky Martin talking about how he had broken up with his girlfriend. Howard did an effeminate voice and made up a voice mail for him.
Howard and Fred got back to their cab driver impressions and goofed around with that for a little longer. Robin was trying to read the Ricky Martin story while they did that.
Howard took a call from someone who gave some suggestions on how to make the cab thing work. That led to Howard doing more of his impression and cracking up as he came up with lines and ideas for how they could hook a rickshaw up to the cab to carry around Danny Glover.
Robin read a story about a mass shooting in Hawaii. Robin read the details and then Howard did more of the cab driver impression. Howard said he has to get to Hawaii. He said he's never been.
Howard said he has a caller on the line who claims to be a time traveler. Howard asked what year he's from. The caller said he's from 2053. Howard asked how he got lost back there. The caller, Ken, said he's not sure if they don't want him back or what. He said Howard has passed away but he's still big in his time. He said people call him all the time in the future. Howard told him to get out of there and hung up.
Howard took a call from a cab driver who said most of the time you're going to have trouble if you pick up a black guy in a cab. He said that he knows that the fare is going to be a problem. He said after a while you figure that out.
Howard took a call from actor Michael Boatman who works on Spin City. He told Howard he was out on the street and a cab driver saw him and knew him from Spin City. He said he told him to get in the cab. He said the only reason he did is because he was 20 minutes late for work. Michael told Howard that he loves them. Howard asked how Michael J. Fox is doing. Michael said he's good. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard asked the guys in the studio if they would pick up a black fare. Everyone had different ideas about who they would pick up. Some of the guys said that they would pick up a fare if the guy was in a suit.
Mike Gange said he tried to catch a cab with some people from work and he wasn't able to do it. Howard said one of the guys has gold teeth. He said he wasn't surprised there.
The cab driver said he picks up some good looking women and they give very small tips. Howard said he was done with the discussion a short time later. He went to break.
Howard's Oprah Report. 09/14/10. 6:30am
Howard said Oprah's final season started yesterday. Howard said John Travolta was on and he was wearing a toupee. Howard said if he didn't have his hair he doesn't know what he'd do but that toupee looks really bad. Howard said Travolta can pull off that bald look so he doesn't need that toupee.
Howard said Travolta and Oprah were talking about the final season of the show and the audience were crying and screaming. Howard said people just kiss her ass and they're so in awe of her. Howard said it's like a deity walked out on stage. Howard said she doesn't have to do anything on the show either. He said the women just scream and they don't mind being on camera acting like retards.
Howard said Oprah announced she was taking the audience to Australia. Howard said Travolta was flying them down there. Howard said Travolta loves being a Quantas airline pilot. Howard said he comes out in that outfit of his and pretends to be an airline pilot. Howard said he can't imagine getting on a flight like that with Travolta flying it. Howard said Oprah announced she was taking the audience with her and they went nuts.
Howard said it's about time for Oprah to get out of Dodge. He said her ratings are going down so it's time to get out.
Howard played some clips from Oprah's show where she's telling the audience about their trip to Australia and the audience goes nuts. Oprah was saying that she wanted to top all of the other stuff they've done on the show and then she makes the big announcement. Howard said there were women weeping in the audience. Howard said they must have really shitty lives.
Howard said the audience was full of superfans so maybe they should do something like that on his final show there at SIRIUS and have only superfans there so he can make some bullshit kind of announcement.
Howard said that Oprah was saying ''Australia'' over and over again and he wanted to kick his TV. He said he didn't do that because he spent too much money on it.
Howard played the audio of the audience going nuts for Oprah as she was teasing them with a possible trip to New York City or some place like that. Howard said all of the women were over 50 and they all had really bad hair cuts and he can imagine that the guys they're married to are having a miserable life. Howard said all of the estrogen must go out of their bodies and they start to turn into men.
Howard played more of the clip where Oprah was teasing the audience. She eventually tells them that she's taking along her fans to Australia. They were screaming at every sentence she said to them. Howard said they're like the mob in Resident Evil.
Howard said he thought Oprah was going to take everyone to Africa. Then she said Australia. Howard said they all go crazy for that but it doesn't sound that great to him. He played more of the audio of her going nuts yelling ''We're going to Australia!'' over and over again. Howard said they rolled an airplane out on stage and John Travolta got out in his pilot's outfit. Howard said he wanted to jump out a window hearing this.
Howard played more clips of Oprah talking to John Travolta about this trip. Howard said he couldn't take all of the screaming that was going on. Oprah was telling Travolta how much she loves him and how her heart still goes pitter patter after all these years. Howard said Travolta just stood there saying nothing.
Howard said Travolta said nothing the whole time. He said they talked for like 3 seconds. Howard played some of that and Travolta was just standing there as Oprah told him he was voted their favorite guest. Howard said he doesn't know how that audience isn't exhausted. Howard said he was jealous and said he wants this kind of adoration. Robin said he could get that from Bobo if he had him in there. Howard said he'll have Bobo and Mariann in there and that will get him that kind of adoration.
Howard said Paul Simon came out and sang a song for Oprah too. He said that was the only redeeming part of that show. Howard said Paul looked frightened though. He said he's an older man and he's ready to kick the bucket. Howard said he does love the guy though. He said that is a talent.
Howard played the audio of Oprah introducing a mystery guest which turned out to be Don Johnson. She had no idea that he was there. Howard said Oprah wanted Don Johnson on her early shows but he turned them down. Howard said Don looks like he's put on some weight. He said he was out promoting ''Machete.'' He said that was the big surprise there. Howard said that Paul Simon came out and Oprah went nuts again. Paul said he wrote a song for Oprah's 10th season so he wanted to sing that again for her. Oprah started crying.
JD said the whole show was about how they got the audience there. JD sent a BBM to Howard telling him to tune in quick yesterday so he could see the madness on that show. Howard said he has JD to watch all of that shit so he doesn't have to.
Howard said he got pissed that Paul was performing the Oprah song instead of one of his hits. The audience was silent during the performance. Howard said that this song was about her 25th anniversary. He said everything was bothering him about this show. Howard said Beth had to calm him down. He said she was telling him about how Travolta just lost his son so he had to calm down. Howard said he went nuts over the Paul Simon song and she had to calm him down about that too.
Howard said Beth likes Oprah and everyone else. He said she's a very positive person. He said he still doesn't know why she likes him. He said she sees the good in him somehow. Robin said that she does see the good in everyone.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who asked what happened to Tammy the Tourettes girl. Howard said he has some weird news about that. Howard said someone called them and said that whole thing was a scam. Robin said that's not possible. Howard said that's what they were told. He said they didn't think it could be kept up either but that's what someone told them.
Howard asked Gary where he heard that. Jackie said he was the one who told him that story. He said he was out on the street and the guy who went on the date with her said that she just owned up to it. Jackie said the guy was very insistent too. Howard said there's no way that her throat could take that noise she made for very long. Jackie said the guy was very logical explaining how she couldn't be an Au Pair with that affliction. Howard said that's possible. The caller said he has to call her and find out. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy because his connection was really annoying. Howard said he had to do that.
Howard called the guy who went on the date with Tammy to find out what she said to him. Howard got the guy, Glen, on the phone and he said she apparently doesn't have Tourettes. Howard said that's the most amazing scam he's ever heard. Howard said that's not possible. Robin said Meryl Streep should move aside and let this girl win for her acting. Howard sounded shocked. He said that this just isn't possible. Jackie said she never let up for a second while she was there recording stuff.
Glen said he went to her house for dinner and she was doing it there while they were watching a movie. Then she asked if he had a good sense of humor. He said he did so she told him that she doesn't really have Tourettes. He thought she was going to say she was married or something. Howard asked Glen if they were lovers by then. Glen said he didn't want to say but he gave them a cough to let them know he had been.
Glen said that their relationship just kind of fizzled out. He said he's not sure whose fault it was. He said it might be on both of them. Howard said this guy was cool because he went for her even though she had that affliction.
Howard asked if she was really an Au Pair. Glen said that was all true. He told Howard that she studied about the Tourettes and came up with the whole thing with a friend. Glen said that he didn't want to spoil it for her or the show so he never told them. Howard said you always tell him. He said that he's kind of bummed because she was a great guest on the show. Howard said he can't keep that quiet though. He said he kind of admires her for being such a good actress. He said she kept a straight face during the commercials. He said she was doing it the whole time she was there.
Howard said Gary must really want her now. Gary said he always did. Robin said after the date was over the guys were all saying they could never put up with that. Glen said she just stopped doing it while they were on the couch and it just wasn't happening. Howard said it must have been like she just became Super Man. Glen said she did live 4 hours away so that was tough. Howard said that wouldn't stop him. He said she was hot.
Howard said he wanted to call Tammy. Gary said they can only call her at certain times. He said he'll try to line that up though. Howard said that is amazing.
Howard said this is making him question a lot of things on the show. He wondered if Ted the Janitor was really black. He said he's not sure that Quentin the Stutterer really stuttered.
Glen said he wants another shot at a date. Howard said he already won the jackpot. Glen said he really didn't.
Howard asked Glen if she did it at all after she told him. Glen said she didn't do it once. Glen said they should ask her friend about it too. He said she's a crazy girl. He said he set up a friend with that friend and she's a complete lunatic. He said she's cute too. Glen said he was amazed by that. Howard asked what she did. Glen said he couldn't say but he did say that they talked about taking their tops off in bars and stuff.
Howard said he has to get in touch with these girls. Glen was afraid that they were going to send a bomb to his mailbox now that this has come out. Glen said she really liked Howard and the way he treated her. Howard said he thought she really had this affliction.
Howard said he's not sure if he should congratulate her on a great scam or be mad at her. Howard said she's really got nice breasts and she could have gotten on the show without the Tourettes. Robin said she's great at acting and she might be wasting her abilities. Howard said she did that head spinning thing and that was amazing too. Howard said it looked like a real twitch. Howard said he can do a really good Cerebral Palsy impression. He said he worked with them so he knows what it's like. He demonstrated that for Robin and she told him to stop as she was laughing at it.
Howard said he wasn't sure about this story. He said that they were hoodwinked. Howard said it hurts to make that sound that she did with her throat.
Glen said that he went on a third date with Tammy. He said he called her on Valentine's Day and wasn't able to get her. He said he called again a week later and they never ended up hooking up. He said that she may have been blowing him off. He said that's the feeling he got. Howard said she's a really good looking girl.
Howard asked Gary if he had her on the phone yet. Gary said he was taking care of something with Scott. Howard told Gary he was waiting for him to call. Gary said he had to wait until 7 to call. Howard put Glen on hold and said he was going to take a break and try to get her on the line.
After an edited out break Howard picked up on glen and said they let the phone ring like 15 times and no one picked up. Glen said he went to her house on the second date and she was making the sound in front of the kids and they weren't laughing or anything. He said they didn't let in on the scam at all. He said they all went along with it.
Howard asked if Tammy was too old to be an Au Pair. He said she must have been a nanny. Glen said she said she wanted to be a children's book writer.
Howard said Glen is a good guy but he wishes he had let him know before. Glen said he wasn't sure if he should. Howard said he must get girls and have sex because he wasn't so upset about losing the girl. Howard said she was a nice looking girl too. Howard said he was with scabs that he would never want to be with again. He said if he was into a girl he would expect it to go on forever but it never did. Howard said he wanted to be the one to call it off. Stuttering John said they might have Tammy on the phone. Howard took another break and then got back to her.
After another edited out break Howard came back and had Gary find the ''A Christmas Carol'' bit they did with Tammy, Quentin and Elephant Boy. They played some of Tammy's Tourettes sounds in that bit.
After playing the bit Howard got Tammy on the phone and also had Glen on the line. Howard said he can't believe she doesn't have Tourettes. She said she was sorry. Howard said he's amazed and floored by the whole thing. Tammy said she wasn't sure how Howard would handle it. Howard asked if she has ever taken acting lessons. She said she never did. She said she plays with the kids a lot so she may have gotten it from them. She said that the throat thing didn't hurt unless she did it for 3 hours straight. Howard said she could have just come there and taken her top off. Tammy said she doesn't do that. Howard said Gary really has an erection over her now. Howard had her do some of the throat clearing thing. She did that for them.
Howard asked who put Tammy up to this. She said it was her and a friend who came up with the idea. She said she knew she could pull it off so she gave it a try. Robin asked how she knew she could do it for 3 hours. She said that she knew she could keep a straight face. She said she was exhausted doing it though.
Howard asked Tammy about her friend and if she really wanted to meet Fred. Tammy said she did. Howard said he doesn't get that. He said that he's not that sensitive.
Tammy asked how they found out. Jackie told her that a guy came up to him on the street and told him the story. He said he didn't believe it at the time. That was about 2 months ago. Howard said Jackie hears a lot of things like that and you never know what's true or not.
Howard said he doesn't always believe Jackie's stories. He said he once had Siobhan at his house and she got his phone number from his Rolodex. Howard said Jackie refused to believe that's how it happened. Howard said Siobhan admitted it to them. Howard said he took what Jackie said with a grain of salt and then they started talking about it this morning and the date confirmed it.
Howard asked how she is in bed. Glen didn't answer. Tammy said she stopped seeing him because things were getting busy for her. She said that she liked Glen.
Howard said he's still not sure what to think about this. He said he's not sure if he should be mad or enamored with her. Tammy said she didn't do it to hurt anyone.
Howard asked if she's really an Au Pair and if the other stories she told were true. She said she is an Au Pair and the stories were true. Howard asked what it costs to hire her. She said she gets $250 a week. Howard asked if she cooks. She said she cooks, cleans, irons and puts clothes away. Robin said she wants her for her house. Tammy said they take care of her really well and she has a place to live and a car to drive and they even put gas in her car.
Howard asked how she told Glen. Glen said that she told him while they were sitting on the couch watching a movie. He said he was stunned. He said he didn't believe it at first and then he got a little upset. He said he was all set to take her to a doctor in Chinatown. He said he got over it and thought that it was great that she didn't have it. Howard asked if he could ever get to see her with her top off. She said no.
Glen asked why she didn't call. Tammy said she got busy. He said she could still call. Howard said he must have been bad in the sack. He said maybe that baloney was a disappointment. Tammy said he was actually very big. Howard asked what the problem was. Tammy said she just got busy. Howard said she has to tell the truth. She said she was being truthful.
Howard asked about this friend she has who is supposed to be wild. Tammy said they're just close friends. She said she hasn't done any lesbian stuff.
Howard said he told Glen he wasn't going to get anything out of her. Howard asked what he does for a living. He said he's a podiatrist. Howard asked what he drives. He said he drives a Hyundai. Howard said he's sorry about that.
Howard said he had her written into his movie and all of that. He said that she's out now. He said he was going to have her in it but now he can't. He said if it's not real then it won't come off. Howard said she's sort of out of the movie. Gary asked if they can find a small spot for her somewhere else. Howard said she's out of the movie. Tammy said that's no problem. She said she didn't do this to make anyone mad. Howard asked if she'll come in one day without the head spinning. She said she will. Howard said she never once broke character. Howard said it was the perfect crime.
Howard asked if Tammy told her employers what she was doing. She said she did. Howard had her do her Tourettes thing for them. Tammy did it for a couple of seconds and Howard said now it sounds fake to him. Tammy said she has been around Tourettes people and people with disabilities and that's how she got it down. Howard said he could do the CP person. He said he turns his ankles in and make his arms look real thin and all of that. Howard wrapped up with Tammy a short time later.
Fight Week: Round 2 - Howard Vs. Jackie, April 3, 1995. 09/30/09. 7:55am
After a break we heard Scott Ferrall introducing the next segment from April 3, 1995 where Howard and the Jackie Puppet ganged up on Jackie. Here's a quick synopsis of what happened:
In the clip we heard Howard talking to a caller who had an article about Kato Kaelin making an appearance somewhere to raise money for Cerebral Palsy. Howard said that Kato comes off being very stupid and he doesn't understand why people feel they have to buy into this stuff.
Howard said that Kato is like Jackie in a way. He ended up goofing on Jackie for selling his Jackie memorabilia. Howard said they must wake up the next morning thinking that they got ripped off. Howard said they must wonder what they're going to do with that stuff.
Howard asked Jackie how he sells the stuff. Jackie said he signs autographs and signs whatever they want. He said he invites everyone up just like a snake oil salesman would.
Gary told Howard he's seen Jackie selling his stuff and he explained to him how he pitches the stuff to people. Howard asked Jackie how he says goodbye to everyone and then asks them to buy stuff. Jackie said he holds up a shirt that people can win if they Stump the Joke Man. He said he then asks anyone who wants to buy something to step right up.
Howard ended up goofing on Jackie for a few minutes and Gary was telling him how Jackie will run around selling stuff and giving people money so it's a whole state of confusion. Billy West was sitting in so he did impressions of Jackie selling his stuff. Howard said Jackie gets paid well and he still has to sell his stuff. He said you'd think that the pay would be enough.
Howard and Billy continued to goof on Jackie for a few minutes. Billy was doing his Jackie impression with the Jackie Puppet in his hand. He was right behind Jackie so the puppet kept getting closer to his head. Billy was making sounds like Jackie's laugh, his sneeze and other things. They wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Howard said that Stuttering John's daughter Greta was there with him. She had just graduated from school. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Greta about her parent's tiny apartment and things like that.
After talking to Greta Howard did his Mr. Rogers impression and goofed on John. He was learning about John and asking a bunch of questions about working on the Howard Stern Show. Fred was doing his John impression during that discussion. Howard and Fred had fun with that for a few minutes. They were making fun of the size of John's apartment and how they live in Manhattan so they can pretend they're celebrities. Howard said they really should wrap up with the news. John said ''Please do.''
Howard and Fred got back to goofing on John. Howard was still Mr. Rogers asking questions about John. John asked them to please take the kid away from the radio. Howard was goofing on John about how many records he sold and things like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to know if he could talk to Greta. John told him to get out of there. The caller said he just wanted to congratulate her on having a great father. They wrapped up after that.
OJ Simpson And Claus Von Bulow Discussions. 12/08/08. 6:00am
Howard started off the show talking about how Artie's mom takes care of him. He said that she's already calling JD to let him know what to get Artie for Christmas since he got him in the Secret Santa thing. Artie said he told his mother that he hopes she told him some stuff that's around 3 bucks because that's all JD can afford.
Howard said they have a busy schedule today. They have William Shatner, Denny Somach and Akon coming in today. Howard said they have Denny coming in to talk about where John Lennon is buried because apparently people don't know where that is.
Howard said he's been busy working on the show over the weekend. He said that's what he does on his Friday's off. Artie laughed at that.
Howard said that Claus Von Bulow is upset that his wife is dead now. She was in a coma for over 30 years. Howard said there are a few people there who are in a coma as well. Fred said that didn't take long and pointed out that Howard has insulted him just a few seconds into the show. Howard said he didn't know Fred was awake. Howard said maybe Claus could have woken up his wife if he had insulted her.
Howard asked if it's legal to have sex with your wife when she's in a coma. Robin said you must have some rights as a husband. Howard said he'd be having sex with Beth if she was in a coma. He said that he's going to do that as long as she's not decomposing.
Howard read an article about Claus Von Bulow and what's going on with him. Howard said they claim that his tears were faked and he had some audio of that. Howard looked for that clip and found some OJ Simpson stuff instead. JD came in and told Howard that it was actually a clip of OJ's lawyer trying to get OJ less time by talking about the Civil War. Howard played that and only got through about 30 seconds when he asked if it was going anywhere. JD said that he eventually gets to a point where they ask for the judge to give him mercy.
Howard said he was reading the paper and there was an article about bosses who are successful even when they don't listen to their employees. Howard read through that and said that he could have been in that study himself. The article said that many bosses are like that.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer was on the Wrap Up Show complaining that he's not buying them gifts there. Howard said that he isn't Scott's employer so he doesn't have to buy anyone anything. Howard said they asked Scott if he was buying his interns gifts and Scott said that he doesn't do that because he's not their boss. Howard welcomed Scott to the club. Scott came in and said that the interns work for the company and not for him. Howard said that's the same for him. He said that he works for the company and he's not Scott's boss.
Scott said he's fine with him not getting him a gift. Howard said that Scott should buy him a gift to show him how much he appreciates him. Howard said he's going to get Scott a wig for Christmas and make him wear it for a month.
Howard got back to the OJ Simpson stuff and talked more about his sentencing. Artie said that he thinks he might know where that lawyer was going with the Civil War thing. He asked if he was right but Robin didn't think that's what the guy was going for.
More John The Stutterer. 04/19/04. 9:15am
After the break Howard talked about John the Stutterer and how he's only answered about 9 phone calls so far this morning. Yucko the Clown called in at one point and got into a fight with John. John went off on Yucko and said when he sees him in Vegas he's going to break his jaw. He was so pissed he wasn't even stuttering anymore. He just told Yucko he was going to kick his ass. Yucko just kept goofing on him as he was getting yelled at.
Howard thought John wasn't going to yell at anyone because he could have a stroke or something. Howard wondered if John would be able to complete all of the other tasks he has to do for this tryout. John came in and said he really doesn't want to jeopardize his health but he couldn't help but yell at Yucko. Howard asked him if he'd be able to do the other stuff he has to do. John said he had to apologize because he tried to come up with a song parody but he wasn't able to do it. Howard told him if he just sang any song and stuttered, he'd have a great song parody.
John tried to tell Howard about a great song parody idea he had. He said he wanted to do a song parody about Rush Limbaugh to the tune of Behind Blue Eyes called ''Behind Glazed Eyes.'' Howard told him he killed today so he should come back tomorrow and do some more stuff.
Howard took a few phone calls after that. Yucko the Clown (DamnShow.com) called in and tried to get John going again but John was trying to remain calm. Robin said Yucko doesn't care if John dies from getting upset. Howard cut him off and moved on to Colin Quinn.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:45am.
The Ghost Of Ted Kennedy Takes Over Howard Stern. 08/31/09. 6:00am
Howard and the guys are back from their week long vacation. Howard started the show doing his Ted Kennedy ''Er-ahh'' impression. Howard said he was going to have everyone doing their impression during the whole show. He was on his megaphone doing the impression and telling stories about Kennedy. He was talking about Ted being married to Joan and then not being married to Joan in a special that ran over the vacation. He said they just skipped over that part of his life.
Howard said that Ted had been reunited with Mary Jo Kopechne now that he's dead. Howard also talked about ho Ted looked just like his mother Rose. He stayed in that Kennedy impression through the whole thing. He talked about his family that were all at his funeral.
Howard talked about how the whole Kennedy family got pussy. He said that the whole family would have fucked Marilyn Monroe if they had the chance.
Howard said that Ted's brother got so much pussy that he had flies buzzing around his hands all the time. Howard was cracking himself up telling those jokes. Robin was getting sad at one point and didn't stay in her Kennedy impression. She had to throw in an ''Er-ahh'' to get back into it.
Howard talked about some of the wacky stuff that the Kennedy family has done over the years. They talked about the one kid that had a lobotomy. Howard told another story about Rosemary being labotomized because she was constantly masturbating. Howard said that's why Ted never masturbated in front of his father. Howard said that would cure masturbation in anyone. He was telling all of this stuff in his Kennedy impression over his megaphone.
Howard said that Ted would end up peeing all over the bathroom floor because he never wanted to touch his own penis in fear of being labotomized.
Howard came out of his Kennedy impression when he brought up the Mary Jo Kopechne thing and asked the guys if they found it odd that he wasn't investigated for leaving the scene of a crime for 10 hours but Spitzer had to step down when he was with a prostitute.
Howard got back into his Kennedy impression and did some more talking about the wacky Kennedy family and how they got out of trouble because of who they were. Howard talked about some of the other Kennedy family members that died and went through their history. Howard brought up how much they all got laid again and joked about their tuna fingers. Howard said that Ted voted against the war in Iraq and bragged about that as Ted.
Howard brought up the JFK Jr. plane crash and how Ted had warned him against flying. Howard was joking about going to ''Au Bar'' and ended up doing a sheep sound when he said ''bah ah ah ah ah.'' Artie laughed at that pretty hard.
Howard talked a lot about the Au Bar thing and did the sheep bah thing a bunch of times. Howard brought up Ted's wife and how she may take over his Senate seat. Howard had been in his Ted Kennedy impression for almost 15 minutes at that point. He had only come out of it for about 10 seconds in that whole time.
Robin brought up Caroline Kennedy and how she was supposed to be pretty elegant at the memorial service. They talked about that a little bit. Artie was doing his Kennedy impression as they talked about this stuff too. He was kind of sticking to the plan to do the Kennedy impressions through the whole morning.
Howard brought up Caroline marrying a Jew and goofed on that a little bit. Howard said that Ted tried to get her into politics but she wasn't a good speaker so it didn't work out very well. Howard talked about how the whole Kennedy family loves to fuck. He joked about how he had tried to fuck Rosa Parks back in the day. Howard said he wanted her in the back of the bus so they'd have some privacy.
Howard was going nuts telling jokes about wanting to fuck Rosa in the back of the bus and had Artie laughing his ass off. He said that he was shooting loads on her processed hair and things like that. Robin told Ted (Howard) he was having too much fun talking about this stuff.
Howard said he didn't think he could maintain that impression and came out of it. He said he was going to do the whole show as Ted Kennedy but he wasn't able to keep it up. Artie asked if there was anything that could have gotten that guy voted out of the senate. Howard had to get a tissue because he was crying from laughing so much. His tissue box was missing though so he had to ask Gary what was going on.
Howard asked where Fred was because he didn't see him there. He was right there though. Howard got back into his Kennedy impression and told Gary to do his impression. Gary did a little Kennedy for him. Howard stayed in the impression a little longer.
Howard asked Ronnie to come in and do his Kennedy impression. He asked Scott the engineer and J Er-Ahh D to come in too. Ronnie came in and did his awful impression. Scott's was awful too. JD tried to do one but his impression was pretty bad too.
Howard asked JD what he did over vacation. JD said he worked. He tried to do the Er-ahh thing but it wasn't working very well for him. Howard kicked him out.
Howard got out of the impression and said that was enough of that. Robin said she hopes that they're not retiring him. Howard said he used to just bring him up in the news when Robin would read a story. He said that maybe he won't retire it and he'll comment on the Kennedy family when they come up in the news.
Phone Calls, Music Discussions And More. 08/31/09. 6:30am
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Kennedy and if he felt bad for the guy dying. Howard said that he was a great voice of reason and he was a very bright guy. Howard said he liked the Kennedy family and he was very sad that he died. Howard said he felt that it was like the end of an era... Er-ahh. Howard said he actually did feel sad about the whole thing.
Howard took another call from a guy who was doing a Kennedy impression. Howard got back into his a little bit and thanked the guy for calling in. He said he didn't have any material and had to hang up on the guy.
Howard talked about how the band the Dead Kennedy's had a great name. He said that they're all pretty much dead now so it was fitting. That led to them playing one of their songs ''Too Drunk to Fuck.'' Howard said that was pretty bad.
Sal Interviews Harlem Residents About Ted Kennedy's Death. 08/31/09. 6:45am
Howard said that Sal went up to Harlem and asked some black people what they thought of Ted Kennedy. Howard played some audio of Ted Kennedy singing a song before getting to those clips. They had him singing in Spanish. Howard said that guy must have been really fun to hang out with.
Howard said that Sal is the funniest part of this clip. He said that he talks about Chappaquiddick and saying ''Chappaquida'' the whole time.
Howard played some of the clips of Sal asking people about Kennedy's death and the people he was talking to were fine but Sal's screw up was the funniest part of the whole thing. Artie said that ruined the whole thing because it was like two stupid people talking.
Howard played some more of Sal's interviews and he kept saying that word wrong so it sounded like they had gone back and inserted that audio clip in there. That's not what they did but it sounded like that every time he screwed up the word.
Sal asked more people about the death and kept using that ''Chappaquida'' line. Howard said that all of the people he was interviewing didn't have names like ''Paul.'' They all had very odd names.
Grandpa Al Lewis Comes In. 10/24/96.
Grandpa Al Lewis was the grandfather on The Munsters back in the 60's for those of you who don't know. Grandpa is an old friend of the show but he hasn't been on in quite some time. Grandpa seems to still have his memory. He remembered his first talk with Howard when he was at WNBC. Grandpa said the first thing that Howard asked him about was who what hung better on The Munsters. Howard said that Grandpa told him that he'd only last 6 months on the air with questions like that... little did he know... Grandpa, who's 86 years old, came in to plug an appearance that he'll be making on Halloween night at the Hollywood Palace. It's some kind of wacky thing where porno stars will be appearing. Grandpa is MC'ing the event. Howard and Grandpa talked a lot about sex and all the women Grandpa has gotten over the years. Grandpa was also plugging some children's books that he wrote! One second he's MC'ing a porno thing and next he's talking about kids books... go figure.
Peeing in a diaper...continued. 8/23/96.
Yesterday Howard somehow got the notion to pee in an adult diaper. He didn't get to it yesterday but early this morning Gary brought in some Depends adult diapers for everyone to pee in. When Gary opened the package he noticed that there was only one strap to hold up the diaper. So he had to send Grillo out to get a package for each person that was going to test out the things. So after a while Howard came back and said that they all had on a different type of diaper. The other one's were for ''spotting'' not for pissing yourself totally. So now they had on Genovese brand diapers. Jackie, Gary and Howard all had on these adult diapers. I don't know about Fred (Eric). Gary was the first to wet himself. He just stood there with a funny look on his face wetting his diaper while Jackie cackled. Jackie said that he could see a movement in Gary's diaper when he let loose. When he was done he went running off to the bathroom to clean himself up. Once he was out of the room Fred said that he could smell Gary's stinky pee. Howard said that he probably wouldn't be able to wet himself because he felt so dirty doing it. Eventually Jackie also let loose in his diaper. He said it felt like he was going on forever and he was filling up the diaper. Gary told Jackie that he's got more room in the diaper than he thinks. Jackie actually had to stop himself from peeing because of it. Howard never did piss himself. Too shy I guess... This all happened before Miss Teen USA was supposed to come in by the way.
Tall Goddess Lorraine Dominates Richard Christy. 03/28/05. 7:55am
Howard came back from commercial break and said he was reading that Page 69 thing on his web site. In the gossip column they say that Mike Gange was told by his doctor not to eat and drink too much because he has a ''fatty liver.'' Gange explained to Howard what that meant and how he needs to lose some weight and stop drinking for a while. He said his liver is kind of enlarged so that's why he has to stop that. There was also a story about Sal the Stockbroker sticking his hands down his pants and then handing a cart to Howard. The guys said that he does that all the time and they've all noticed that. Gary said that Sal also still shakes like he has Parkinsons when he gives something to Howard. Howard said he doesn't want Sal handing him the carts anymore because of that.
Howard said they have this woman Lorraine there. He started to explain why she was there but she came walking in before he could finish. She was really tall and pretty hot according to Howard. She's known as ''Tall Goddess'' for some reason. Gary told Howard that they got a call from movie producer Robert Evans who helped save Paramount studios back in the 70s. He was the one who met this woman and referred her to the show. Gary said Evans said he's not sleeping with this woman but he wouldn't mind doing that. Lorraine said that Mr. Evans is 75 years old and she probably wouldn't sleep with him. Lorraine also said that she heard that Gary hung up on him when he called. Gary said that was actually an intern who hung up on him because he wouldn't explain who he was.
Lorraine said that she is directing porn movies and she has done some soft core porn herself. Howard was having some trouble getting a straight answer out of her though. Howard said that they wouldn't have even had her on the show if it wasn't for Robert Evans. He told her that she should give Evans sex for that. She said they should check back with her in 2 to 3 weeks to find out if anything has happened.
Howard decided to play ''Guess Who's The Jew'' with Kurt Waldheim Jr. (Fred) which they haven't played in quite some time. Fred got into character and became Kurt. Lorraine had a bit of a German accent so that's why they were playing the game with her. Lorraine got in a plug for her web site TallGoddess.com where you can check her out. She was throwing in some plugs for her movies and stuff like Howard was supposed to know about them but he had no idea. Howard cut her off and had her play Guess Who's the Jew. Kurt gave her the names that she had to choose from. The three names were Antonio Banderas, Jorge Posada and Fidel Castro. One of those people is either a Jew or has Jewish lineage. Lorraine guessed that it was Posada but she was wrong, it was actually Fidel Castro.
A caller asked Howard if this was a ''tall goddess'' or a ''tall guy'' because her voice was so low. Lorraine said that she can't change her voice and offered to show them that she was a woman. She showed Howard and he said she's definitely no guy. Hook Nose Mike called in and told Howard that he should get her naked because there was too much talk. Howard ended up asking her more questions about what she's done in her career. She said she used to be a dominatrix over in Germany and she used to get paid about $500 an hour doing that job. She told Howard about some of the unusual things that guys would do with her. She now lives in Los Angeles and does nude modeling for her web site TallGoddess.com.
Howard heard that Richard Christy was willing to be dominated so he asked her if she would do that. Lorraine said she would do it as long as Richard was naked. Howard wanted her naked instead so she agreed to take her dress off. Richard came in and told her that she could do just about anything to him as long as she didn't break any bones. Richard took off his clothes and Gary noticed that he was wearing ''The Simpsons'' boxer shorts and it kind of looked like he might be pitching a tent. Richard said he wasn't aroused yet though so he didn't know what he was talking about. Lorraine took off her dress while Richard was tied to the tickle post. She said she was tempted to pull Richard's pants down but that was up to Richard. Richard said whatever she wanted to do was fine with him. Lorraine had Richard turn around and then pulled down his boxer shorts. She was rubbing him so Artie was afraid that Richard was going to get excited. She rubbed his ass and belly sensuously and then spanking him. Richard said he liked the rubbing part but the spanking was painful. He was getting kind of tender back there. Doug Goodstein gave them some cooking oil to spray him down with but the guys thought that was kind of gay. Richard was yelling out each time he got spanked. Howard asked if Richard had enough at that point. Richard said he was willing to go through some more to be a good sport. Lorraine ended up doing some ''nipple torture'' to him and had Richard yelling out again. She bit his nipple and surprised him a couple of times. Howard said that it looked like Richard was getting aroused. Richard said it was kind of exciting to him. Lorraine continued to spank and hit him until he finally said ''That's it!'' and made her stop. Lorraine was spraying some whipped cream on Richard but Howard cut her off and gave Lorraine a plug for her web site TallGoddess.com and wrapped up the interview.
Mystery Guest... 9/10/96.
For those of you who have never played 'Mystery Guest' here's how it goes... Howard, Jackie, Robin and usually Fred put on blindfolds. Gary brings in the guest and each person gets to ask yes or no questions until they get a no answer, then it's the next person's turn. Well this guest came in and the questioning began. Questions ranged from if he was in a rock band to what country he was from. Well he's a solo artist and he's had many hits. He's changed his name a couple of times, he's from the US, his accent was kind of southern... Well I knew the answer about 5 minutes before anyone in the studio did. Well Robin finally got it.. John Mellencamp! Howard's excuse was that he would have guessed that but he never even thought that John would do the show. John was pretty cool about doing the show. He was open and honest about everything and had fun while he was there. Howard asked John about all 3 of his marriages and how cute John's current wife is. Howard noticed a tattoo on John's arm that looked like a woman but it had a beard on it. John told Howard that it was a tattoo of an ex-wife that his new wife didn't like so he had a beard tattooed on the face. Howard wants to get a tattoo himself but John told him that it's not worth it. John's tattoos have faded and stretched to the point that one looks like a 20 year old smashed tomato. John talked about his early years and how he got married at 17 and now has a 25 year old daughter! He also says that he hasn't done drugs since 1972. A little while into his interview a woman by the name of Winnie called in just about in tears. She is a huge fan of John's and she was begging him to go on tour but he's not planning one right now. Howard had John sing a little bit of Pink Houses to her while Fred played guitar. The girl was going nuts. Of course Howard had to find out what this girl looked like so he asked her if she was a fat cow. She didn't answer so I guess we can all assume that she was. John's new album Mr. Happy Go Lucky is in record stores now.
In the clip Howard was talking about how they used to make prank calls to people who won contests on the show. He said in this one they called a high school principal, Mr. Benfer, who won a contest and he called with Fred as his son who has Tourettes. Howard played the tape and he called himself Peter Janz. Howard told the guy they were looking to move his son into a public school. He said his son has Tourettes syndrome. He said he occasionally utters obscenities. Howard asked the guy what his thoughts on that were. The Principal said none of the kids in his school have it. Howard told him that he's on a new medication. Then Fred starts yelling out. Howard said that was his son and it's a little embarrassing.
Howard paused the tape because he wasn't sure what he called Fred in the bit. Fred said he thinks he called him Howard. Howard played more of the tape and the principal kept asking if his son was ''classified'' but Howard didn't know what he meant so he kept changing the subject. Howard asked him to please speak to his son and tell him that he can have some kind of life in a public school.
Howard put Fred on the phone with the principal and Fred was yelling out calling him names as he was speaking to him. Mr. Benfer asked for Howard's name and number so he could call him back. Howard asked if he could come in and meet with him. He said he didn't want his son to interrupt the little bastards in his classroom though. Howard started to give him a phone number but kept talking. He asked Mr. Benfer if he ever listens to that Howard Stern Show. Mr. Benfer said he does so Howard let him know that he had won a trip. Mr. Benfer said he didn't believe him.
Howard said the guy was really nice about this. He said he thinks he's still waiting for his son to enroll. Howard asked if that's the greatest. Robin said Mr. Benfer was great because he never cracked. Howard said all teachers like that have learned to behave themselves.
Howard said his daughter is starting first grade and he knows that parents don't know how to control their kids. Howard said this guy is being super respectful. He said the guy has it down to a science.
Howard said he has another phony phone call to play. He said it shows how childish they are. Howard said they asked Robin to help them with this voice. Howard said they had Robin call this guy and then they took over when she said she had to leave the room. Howard said he didn't even remember this one. Gary said Scott didn't remember it either. Howard said if they don't like it they can bail out on it.
Howard played the call and Robin immediately says she was on hold for a long time and she had to excuse herself. Howard said they're such bad actors. Howard played more of the clip and you hear a few fart sounds as if Robin was farting. She got back on the phone and she was doing a weird voice. Howard asked what she was doing there. Robin said she has no idea. Robin told the guy she's an invalid and she has a heavy flow so she needs a large quantity of tampons. Jackie said he remembers doing that call. Howard said they must have aired it. No one thought they did. Howard played more of the clip and the guy said that he could take care of it. Howard said the guy knew and he was on to them immediately. Then Robin asked if he could massage her massive hooters too. Everyone cracked up at that line. Robin said she remembers Jackie slipping her that line.
Howard played more of the clip and the guy was on to them. Howard said it was really funny. He said he had forgotten about that one.
Kathy Buckley Audio Clips. 05/26/1995. 4:55pm
After an edited out break Howard came back and said they got some good response from the old tapes they played the other day. He said he wanted to play the tape of deaf comedienne Kathy Buckley too. He said she put out an album of her live material and she talks about him in it. She's kind of negative about it. He said he thought she liked being on the show though. He said she hugged him before she left.
Howard said that Kathy's material is okay but it's not all that great. He played the clip of Kathy talking about listening to radio and saying that she can ''hear'' music by the vibrations. Howard played a quick clip but then made fun of her voice for a minute. He said he could do deaf stand-up too. He had the deaf voice down pretty good. Howard did that for a few minutes to demonstrate his deaf skills. Howard said he did a test in there and talked behind Kathy's back and he thinks she heard him.
Howard played more of Kathy's stand-up about how she can feel the music. She had some lame jokes about hoping they'd bring out a radio with big, floppy lips on it so she can read them. Then Kathy talks about how Howard Stern had asked her to come on his show. She said she wondered if he was a nice guy. Then she went on the show and said she thought she was lip reading him wrong because of the wild questions he was asking her.
Howard stopped the tape again and said that the audience is giving her mercy laughs. Howard said she wasn't that funny. Howard said he should get a whole get up and go up on stage and do an act as a deaf person. He said he could be like Andy Kaufman doing the Tony Clifton character. He said he could do multiple handicaps too. He said he could speak out of a cancer kazoo and do the deaf voice. Howard said he'd just go to an area where they don't know him very well. Howard said he thinks that he could get away with that. He did the voice for a few minutes and had some material. He was funnier than Kathy.
Howard got back to the Kathy Buckley clips. She told the audience about being on Howard's show and how that went for her. Howard would stop it and do his impression of her once in a while. She was telling some cute jokes and people were howling in the audience. Howard said it wasn't that funny. It sounded like they might have been sweetening the laughter.
Howard said he thinks he could get laughs doing the deaf person impression on stage. Howard did some of the material he had and the guys were laughing. Howard said he's going to be the biggest thing with this act. Robin told him he's getting a little crazy now. Howard told some more jokes and had Robin and Jackie laughing. Fred threw in some Jackie laughs to sweeten the laughter a bit. He was also playing applause in the background. He had some jokes that were making Jackie laugh his ass off. They were probably jokes that Jackie was writing. Howard said he had to take a break.
The Spice Girls Come In. 9/2/97. 7:45am
This musical group is the last one I'd expect to hear on the Stern show but they came on today. All five of the annoying Brits came in and annoyed the crap out of a lot of listeners. Howard seemed to find them attractive. He asked them some simple questions but they weren't very cooperative. Howard had heard that one of them was a virgin so he asked her about it but she refused to answer him about it. The sang a couple of lines of a song to prove they can actually sing. Howard took a couple of calls from listeners. One guy told them all to just shut up. Another caller said he read a story that said one of them was in a soft core porn movie. She said it wasn't porn but she did show her breasts in some movie. The girls are in town for the MTV Video Music Awards that air this coming Thursday night. After they left Gary came in and told Howard about some of the wacky things that they were doing. They refused to sign a release for the E! show so we won't be seeing them on that. They also had to sign a release for the radio show and they crossed off stuff on that before signing it. Plus they brought their own release that the Stern show had to sign.
In the clip Howard said they had another Spice girl coming in. Her name was BJ Spice. They had hired an actress to come in and play the part. She had a heavy British accent and she was making crude comments and blasting farts for them.
Howard asked how long she's been in show business. BJ said it hasn't been long. She said last week she was humping homeless people for meals. Howard said now she's a Spice Girl. BJ said she got herself up on her feet and said she wanted to get into that chick band.
Howard said BJ seems to like being in the band. She kept calling Howard ''Big Nose'' as she was talking to him. She told Howard that he could spit into her throat if he wanted to. Howard said he might want to do that. He said he's never done that before. He hocked one up and said he hardly got any down there. Howard said he may have to stop the interview after that. He said he feels like he's about to throw up.
BJ said that she is going to take a cricket bat and put it in Baby Spice. She said it's going to smell like tuna fish when she's done. Howard said BJ quit because of Scary Spice chasing Ginger Spice out of the band.
Howard said BJ has a very unusual hair style. He asked how she gets it to stay stiff like that. She said it's a lot of grooming and a lot of man juice. She asked if he has any toothpaste because her breath smells like sailor.
Howard said she has a gorgeous body on her. Howard asked what she's going to do with her money when she gets famous. She said she's going to get a house, a car and a stomach pump so she can have the whole Chicago Bears team over. She finished up with another big fart. She said she had an accident and had to run and she meant that literally.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg Sits In For The News. 10/12/04. 10:00am
Howard mentioned that porn star Jesse Jane is on tonight's E! show. He then brought in comedian Mitch Hedberg who was going to sit in during Robin's news. Robin saw him and asked if he was alright. He had long hair which threw her off for some reason. Mitch and Howard spent a short time talking about his career. Mitch has had some parts on TV and movies but he wasn't so sure he'd be able to carry a show of his own.
Mitch has had some problems with drugs in the past. He's cool now but it sounded like he didn't want to talk about that stuff because his mother listens to the show. Mitch told Howard he's been doing comedy for about 15 years and he loves it. He even married a comic who works with him on the road. Howard figured that must be kind of tough working on the road with your wife. They own an RV that they drive from city to city. They had to leave it over in New Jersey today because he wasn't sure they'd be able to bring it into the city.
Mitch said he's making some good money doing stand up comedy and he'd like to get an HBO special or something like that. Howard told him he thinks he'd be able to get something like that. He said he knows some people over there and he'd see what he could do for him. Mitch told Howard that he isn't much of a story teller so he hopes that he doesn't mind if he just sits there during the news. He said he'd have some comments about the news so Howard was fine with that.
Howard heard that Mitch lost one of his legs but Mitch said he didn't lose it, he just has a limp. They were going to cut it off but he got a second opinion. He had gotten arrested for drug possession and when he went to jail he had a wound that he hadn't taken care of that got infected. They didn't end up taking the leg though. Howard had Robin start her news after giving Mitch a couple of plugs for some upcoming gigs he has. He's also got a CD out called ''Mitch All Together.'' You can find out more about that stuff at MitchHedberg.net.
Wendy the Retard called in during the news and told Howard about judging a bikini contest the other night. Robin had no idea what she was talking about though. Howard had some fun with her and asked her if she was raped by comedian Mitch Hedberg. She responded with ''yes'' to every question Howard asked her about the rape and other goofy things.
A phone caller told Howard that it might be a little early to be commenting on Dana Reeve as he had done earlier in the show. Howard said that a lot of people are thinking about that kind of thing but they're not voicing it. He is just saying what's on people's minds. Howard wondered how long the guy thinks they should wait to talk about how long Dana should wait before she starts dating. The caller didn't really have an answer for him. Howard had Robin get back to her news. They wrapped up the show around 10:50.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:40am.
Mammary Lane - Bobby Vinton From 1993. 02/16/09. 8:35am
Next up was Jon reading an e-mail from a fan who wanted to hear a clip from the show where they played Bobby Vinton screwing up the National Anthem. Jon and Gary talked about that bit for a few seconds before they played it. The clip was from January 28, 1993.
This clip wasn't in my archives. In the clip Howard had Bobby Vinton in the studio to do an interview. Howard talked to Bobby for a few minutes about his career. Bobby said that he was building himself a theater and he's been looking to retire after 30 years in the business.
Howard asked how many hit records he had. Bobby said that it was 20. Bobby said that he could retire but there wouldn't be anything to do if he did. Howard figured he was worth a couple of million but Bobby told him that he has a ranch for sale that he was asking $20 million for.
Howard asked Bobby about his wife and then brought up his singing of the National Anthem and how he screwed that up. Howard said he'd play that and also play the Carl Lewis version that was also screwed up. He played Bobby's performance first. Bobby was saying that he screwed it up because of the delay that he was hearing in the stadium he was performing in.
Howard played the Carl Lewis performance after that. Howard said that Carl was singing at a Nets game when he screwed up the song. Bobby said that he started too high in the song and it's hard to do that when you don't know what note to start out with. Bobby said that the song is very hard to sing too.
Howard had Bobby singing some ''Blue Velvet'' for them. Bobby told Howard that the song was a hit in England the year before because it was used in a commercial. Howard said he heard that David Lynch wanted to use his song in the movie ''Blue Velvet'' and Bobby gave him the okay to do it but he had no idea what the movie was going to be about. Bobby said that Lynch told him that he used that song to shock people and it worked.
Howard asked Bobby to sing some more but Bobby said his throat was hurting him. Howard asked Bobby about some of his songs and talked about how he's still getting paid for those songs that he wrote so long ago. Howard and Bobby spent a few more minutes talking before they wrapped up and ended the interview.
In the clip we hear Howard asking the guys to bring in the monkey. The monkey's name was Lisa, the trainer's name was Lynn. Howard wanted to make sure he didn't get those confused when they came in. Everyone said ''Awww'' when they saw the little monkey come in. It was making a chirping noise. Lynn said it was only 5 weeks old. Howard said it was so cute he wanted to eat it. He didn't want to hold it at first because he was afraid of dropping it. He gave it right back to Lynn a few seconds later and told her to get that thing away from him.
The monkey was a cinnamon Capuchin according to Lynn. They had the baby and also an adult that they were going to use to spin a wheel to pick the music for the station. Howard said that they were going to call that monkey ''Tim Sabean'' but changed it to ''Tim Simian'' a short time later.
They had wheel that the monkey could spin and they'd play the music that it landed on. Howard was trying to prove that even a monkey could program the station there. They'd spin the wheel and find an artist, then Gary would pull out their CD and let the monkey pick the song on the album to play. The first one was Cream's ''White Room.'' Howard had the monkey spin the wheel again and it came up on Van Halen so they had the monkey pick a song off an album. Lisa the monkey picked ''Jamie's Cryin.'' Howard played that song and had Lisa pick another one while it was playing.
The next song picked was Daytripper by The Beatles. Howard said that these picks were no worse than the songs they play during the day on the station already. They picked a couple more songs and then Howard wrapped up with the trainer who brought the monkey in. She said that she'd rather not plug anything so Howard was kind of surprised by that. He said she may have been the first guest to come in and not ask for a plug.
Howard had Andre Gardner come in since he's the Program Director there. He asked Andre what it feels like to have a monkey able to do his job. Andre said that he doesn't think that it could do it for 3 months straight. Howard said he guarantees him that the ratings would go up if they had the monkey do his job. He said the monkey would be pulling down six figures in no time.
Howard put Andre and the monkey up against each other. Jackie suggested they have both of them pick and then have Tom Chiusano come in to try and guess who picked what. Howard had Gary handle all of that and didn't let anyone know who was picking what. Andre picked a song after the monkey picked one. Howard said that Andre has been in the business for 18 years and he's up against a monkey wearing a diaper.
Howard took a look at the songs that were picked and said that it's going to be tough for Tom to figure out who picked what. Tom came in a short time later and Howard said he must have been thinking when they talked about having a monkey doing this job. Tom just laughed.
Howard took a break which was edited out of this replay. They came back and Howard gave a speech about how he's always thought that they could program a station with a monkey and he was proving that today. He then played the first set of songs which included Bruce Springsteen's ''Badlands,'' ''Rosalita'' and ''Born to Run'' as well. Then he played the next set of songs which included U2's ''With or Without You,'' Jethro Tull's ''Locomotive Breath'' and Peter Gabriel's ''Red Rain.''
Tom said that he had to go with the second set of songs. Those were the monkey's songs. Andre said he picked the three Bruce songs because they were showing his knowledge of music history and Bruce's career. Tom said he definitely liked the second set and he'd have to go with it's picks. Tom said he's going to stick to Andre though and not give his job to a monkey. Howard said that's coming from the same man who hired the Greaseman.
Various Stuff. 6/21/01. 6:05am
Howard came back from commercial and heard the band Papa Roach as the background music. He then started talking about the concert he'll be at tomorrow called the Dysfunctional Family Picnic. He said that he was asked to sing with Stone Temple Pilots on stage and another band asked him to jam with them. He said that he doesn't know the words to the song ''Sex Type Thing'' which they asked him to sing. He said he knows the song but not the words. He played the song and said that the Program Director, Steve Kingston, at the station told him he could do the part where they have a megaphone. He still couldn't figure out which part that was. Howard said part of him wants to be noticed up on stage while the other part is willing to just enjoy the concert with his kids. Howard is also afraid of how Scott Weiland will be dancing around in that ''gay dance'' way that he has.
Howard mentioned that Craig was sitting in this morning and how he always disappears during the commercial breaks. Craig said he goes out to get water to drink. He claims that his throat has been screwed up over the years and the water is supposed to help. Howard thinks it's like a diet thing for a lot of people who drink lots of water but Craig is kind of chubby. It's just for his throat according to Craig. He said he's screwed it up through the years of drinking and doing his stand-up routines.
Stuttering John was in and Howard brought up how in love with his girlfriend he is. John stares at Howard's girlfriend when she comes to the radio station. Howard also noticed that John was kind of out of it this morning. John said he's been upping his dosage of Luvox for his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder treatment. He was all dopey according to Howard. Everyone piled on top of John about how strange he acts around Howard's girlfriend. John apparently stares at a lot of people for various reasons. Robin said he was studying her knee when she injured it. She said he knew every part of her knee when that happened. He said it was fun to watch her limp down the hallway.
Howard got back to Steve Kingston and how annoying the guy can be. Howard has gone out to dinner with him and he just talks about the radio business which Howard doesn't want to talk about. Howard said he likes the guy but he's not going to hang out with him anymore.
Stuttering John told Howard he thinks that Kingston was confused about which song Howard is supposed to perform. He said that ''Dead & Bloated'' is the right song. Howard played part of that and said he didn't want to do that song.
Wendy The Retard Calls In. 02/08/06. 6:00am
Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard first thing. She was calling in to tell Howard that she wants to be his girlfriend. She said that means that she wants to make love to him. Robin and Howard were asking her if she knew what making love was. She said she has had wet dreams about Howard and in the dream she had a retarded baby with him. She also said that Will (Murray) is their maid in the dream. Wendy said that the wet dream means that she dreams about Howard and thinks about him every day. She had no idea.
Howard asked Wendy if she really knows what it means to be his girlfriend. She said something about going out and having a good time and getting engaged. Howard has no desire to get engaged though. He told Wendy that he may turn her out and make some money with her after beating her with his shoe. She said ''okay'' to everything he suggested.
Howard thanked Wendy for a message she left for him the other day. She was singing ''Jingle Bell Rock'' for him. Howard played the voice mail where she screeched out the song karaoke style. Howard said that if anyone out there knows a retarded person, just get them a Karaoke machine, they'll love it. Wendy's song got cut off because the voice mail system ran out of time. Wendy said that she does that just for Howard and no one else.
Howard asked Wendy if she's a virgin. She claims that she is so Howard figured he'd be taking her virginity. He wondered if she even knows what that means. She said she watches the Discovery Channel so she does know what it means. She's seen babies being born on there. Howard said he'd be a really lucky man if he had Wendy as a wife. He'd have a retarded wife, a retarded baby and Wendy's mother to take care of them.
Wendy said that she sometimes gets up in the middle of the night and runs into the walls so she has to sleep with a helmet on. Artie asked her to please send them a picture of that. Howard asked Fred to play the ''Wet Dream'' educational tape that they've played before. This time it was edited with Steve Fried, the guy who played Wood Yi, playing the part of a boy who had the wet dreams. Howard asked Wendy if she now knows what wet dreams are. She said she does.
Howard asked Wendy if she knows what intercourse is. She doesn't know but she went on to tell the guys about having a kid dare her to stick a tomato up her butt so she did it. She said that the kid ripped her off for $50. She did stick the thing all the way up there and then ate it. Sal came in and told Howard that the tomato story was supposed to be her big revelation story that they were going to talk about when they do the Wack Pack Revelation Show. Wendy apologized for that, she forgot. Howard asked Wendy what the tomato tasted like. She said it tasted just like a tomato.
Wendy told Howard that she knows how to have a baby and explained how the baby comes out of a woman's pussy. Howard asked her to repeat that so she told Howard how the cock gets put in a woman, then she's pregnant, then the baby comes out her pussy.
Howard was playing some more sex-ed tapes where they were talking about the different names for a penis. The people in the class were coming up with other names for a penis. Howard went on to ask Wendy how far she's gone with a guy. She said she's gotten as far as a kiss, that's it. Howard told Wendy that he likes to hear her singing Karaoke style so they played some of the performances they have of her singing along to songs like Cindy Lauper's ''Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.'' Wendy said she wants to make a new song called ''Robin Just Wants to be Gay'' to the tune of that song.
Robin asked Wendy what she does when she's playing with herself. She said she uses some vegetables when she's doing that stuff. We also learned that Wendy is up to almost 200 pounds. She said she should hit the magic 200 mark today when she orders up some pizza.
Wendy told Howard that a friend of hers is in a coma and wants Howard to help her. Howard told Wendy that her friend may just be avoiding her. Wendy said that she heard her friends talking about her friend Brandy being in the hospital and she wants to help her. Howard told Wendy not to worry about it and he's sure she'll be fine. He said that he would probably pretend to be in a coma if he knew Wendy was coming to visit him. Wendy didn't even know what a coma was. Howard told her it's kind of like the way Fred sits around and doesn't say anything on the show. Fred woke up and said some things to Howard so he suggested to Wendy that she just go irritate her friend in the hospital and maybe she'll wake up.
Wendy told Howard that there was another boy who once asked her to do something strange. She said that the boy asked her to get a hammer to beat up another boy but she refused to do it. Howard wrapped up with Wendy a short time later and tried to get off the phone. Wendy asked Howard for an S50 tuner so she could save the shows. Howard said he would look into getting her one. He figures it'll be like in the movie ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' when the apes see the monolith. She'll probably get it and start banging on it trying to figure out how to make it work. They went to break right after that.
TDiHH: Robin's Ex, Frank Gannon - 1996. 01/19/12. 7:10am
Next up on This Date in Howard History they played a clip from 1996 when Robin's ex-boyfriend Frank Gannon visited. In the clip Howard talked to Frank about dating Robin and how he once said that time had not diminished her beauty. Howard said that was a great line. He said it was like the greatest singular moment. Howard said it's such a pain in the ass to woo a woman. He said getting those chests into bed must be tough. Howard said Frank has to be insane or he's got huge balls. He did that in front of them.
Howard and Frank talked more about the dating Robin thing. Frank said he knows that Robin didn't want to keep dating him. Howard asked if there was any kissing on that date. Robin said there was no kissing. Howard said he knows what that's like. Robin said she did the story on the air about some animals that were being abused and Frank sent her a nasty letter. Frank said he signed that with X's and O's though.
Frank said that Robin read the story two days in a row and they were savoring the story and he felt they were putting thoughts into people's minds. Howard said it sounds like Robin treated animals better than she treated Frank.
Robin said that she hasn't heard from Frank since. Howard asked if that's true. He said he heard that they talk once in a while. Frank said that one can talk to a machine. Robin said that's not true. Frank said he has called her. Robin said she doesn't thinks he has. Howard said Robin must not be able to use her answering machine. Robin said she has not heard from Frank since that nasty note. Frank said that was not a nasty note. He said he sent a heartfelt 35 page letter about Robin's book too. Robin didn't get that either.
Howard asked Frank about these Nixon tapes he's there to talk about. Howard said he was Richard Nixon's confidant. He did like 900 interviews with him and they put them out. Frank said he interviewed him over the course of 7 months and he did that for 38 hours. Frank said he had the idea of doing a video autobiography. Frank said the interviews were done in a studio. Howard asked if he did anything weird. Frank said there will be a bloopers tape as part of the tape. Howard did an impression of what that tape might sound like. He got on his megaphone and did his Nixon impression for a minute. Frank said that was truly scary.
Howard asked Frank about how old he was when he met Nixon. Frank said he was 24-25. He said that he had won a White House fellowship program. He said he was actually with Nixon when he made his farewell speech. He said he was on Air Force One when he resigned. Howard said that's pretty amazing. Howard said Frank slept with Diane Sawyer too. Howard asked to smell his hand. Howard said he acts all embarrassed but he told Robin about that on their first date. Robin said he told her that he was engaged to her. Howard said that's a great way to meet women.
Howard asked Frank why he quit the Letterman show. Frank said he was there for five years. Howard said it was impossible to deal with him when he'd do the pre-interview. Howard said he would tell Frank he wanted to talk about vaginal infections. He said he'd ask what Dave would say but he had no idea what Dave would say. He said he used to have to lie to Frank about what he wanted to talk about on the show. Howard said he'd tell him he wanted to come on and kill the band. Howard said Frank was like a broken record when he'd ask these questions.
Howard asked Frank about being engaged and if Diane wore a ring. Frank said she did not. Howard said he heard Frank left a love letter on the table so Robin could read it. Frank said that's not true. Howard was just joking around about that.
Frank told Howard some more Nixon stories and Howard asked how weird it was when he was there for his last moment. Frank said Nixon never cried or anything. Frank said in the tapes they talk about how numb he was and Nixon emphasized the B in Numb. Howard said he can't understand why he wasn't able to take those tapes and just burn them. Howard said he thinks he's a good judge of human nature and these guys think they won't get into any trouble over this stuff. Howard said it could have been that simple. Frank said he's right but when the tapes were announced Nixon was in the hospital. He said he wasn't there to do anything with them. He said the only worse thing would have been to have burned them and have just one survive. That would have sunk him.
Howard asked if Frank would have destroyed the tapes for Nixon. Frank said he would have as long as they weren't evidence before he asked him to do that. That way they it wouldn't have been illegal.
Howard did his Nixon impression again and had him asking Frank about Diane Sawyer and getting mad that he won't talk about this one broad. Howard did the impression for a few minutes and said that Frank was really close to Nixon.
Howard said he will watch the Nixon tapes thing. Frank said he really believes in them and they're really good. He said that the David Frost tapes were done closer to the resignation. He said he helped him prepare for those interviews.
Howard asked how long it took to get Diane Sawyer in bed. Frank didn't get a chance to answer. They ended up talking about Robin dating Penn Jillette and Dennis Rodman. Robin had said something about Frank calling her dates. He once called Penn about Robin. Howard said Frank is a very controlling kind of guy.
Howard asked Frank if he has to date Diane Sawyer a long time before getting her in bed. Frank said that it took a little long to get her. He said he still hears from her. He said Robin is the only one who cut him off.
Howard did more of his Nixon impression and had a whole conversation with himself. Robin said that Frank is a very good piano player and he was supposed to play for Kennedy. Frank said he plays piano on the tapes too.
Howard said Frank has had an incredible career. He said he produced a newsletter for cigarettes too. Howard asked if he still does that. Frank said that Phillip Morris is a great company. Howard said he invested in them and he thinks they're a great company too. Howard said he's against smoking but he thinks that they've got a big cash business. Howard said people are going to die but he hates people anyway. Howard spent a few more minutes with Frank. He was still doing his Nixon impression as they wrapped up.
Howard 100 News And Wrap Up Show Previews. 07/25/06. 10:40am
Howard had Steve Langford and Jon Hein come in with their show updates. Steve was in for George Flowers who was out today. Steve gave his news rundown as Artie was laughing at him. They're going to have a report about Artie and Dana on today's news. He gave the rest of his rundown which was pretty much the same thing that Lisa G gave earlier. Penny Crone wanted to come in to talk about how she almost got arrested over the weekend. She got into the story real quick and said that she went to buy a Hummel figurine at a store up in Maine near her home in Kennebunkport. She was asked for an ID and she didn't have one so she had the cops show up at the store to make sure that she didn't have a record. She got another visit from the cops when she got home to New York because this woman at the store had put out a criminal trespass up at her store.
Penny said that she's not even sure why all of that happened because she didn't do anything wrong. She said the story is great though. They should have more on that story on Howard 100 News today. Penny had mentioned that she's blown a ton of cops and fire fighters there in New York so that got Fred playing some porn clips of a woman gagging on a guy's cock. They played that for about 2 minutes straight. Artie said that Penny's son, who is working there as an intern, is probably ready to hang himself.
Steve Langford got back to his news preview and mentioned the Miss Howard Stern thing from yesterday. They haven't heard back from either Miss Howard Stern or Trent Tomlinson but they did hear that Andrea spent the night in his tour bus.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview and said they'll be talking about Wendy Williams' appearance from earlier this morning. They'll also be talking about the bits and songs that they were playing and goofing on. They have a bunch of other things they will talk about if they have time on today's Wrap Up Show. Howard had Robin start her news right after that.
In the clip Howard had Gil Scott Heron's song playing and he was going through the lyrics and picking the song apart. Howard said that people get riled up with this song. Howard wondered what's wrong with whitey being on the moon. He said Heron could have gotten behind the space program. Howard wanted to play bongos but they weren't easily accessible. They had to go get them and set them up. Howard ended up tapping on something else instead. He made up his own lyrics to the song. They were setting up the bongos while he was doing that.
Gary came in with an electronic bongo but Howard wasn't sure he liked that. He tried playing one but the keyboard didn't have a bongo set up on it. He went with a drum sound instead. Robin read some news and Howard would make up more lyrics for the song using those stories.
Howard played another Gil Scott Heron song and picked that apart too. He made up more lyrics for his own bongo song and said it kind of sounded like it with the fake bongo. Howard said there's a whole album of that stuff. He asked Robin if she wanted to rap to the news. He made up more lyrics and went on and on with the bongos. He gave up a short time later and told them to get that thing away from him. It was giving him a headache.
Toronto Press Conference. 9/10/97. 9:00am
After this press conference was over Robin called it the worst one ever. It was pretty much like every other one except most of the press were more angry and bizarre than ever before. Howard has caused all kinds of controversy up there in Canada but the first question asked was about what clothes he was wearing. Then there was some nut from a religious station asking more wacky questions about ''holocaust denial''. For what reason I still don't know.
In the clip Howard had Gilbert come in and talked to him about this guy Larry Amoros who created a bit called Buttmaster for the Arsenio Hall show. He got into trouble for taking people off the street so he could measure them for the bit. Howard told Gilbert about the story and had him cracking up with comments about it. They were both coming up with things to goof on the guy about.
Howard found out Gilbert was going to be appearing on David Letterman's show. Howard asked if he knows what he's going to be doing on the show. Gilbert wasn't sure. Howard said he's very laid back about the whole thing. He doesn't even know what he's going to be doing. They spent a little time goofing on Gilbert about that.
Howard and Gilbert talked about what it's like going on Letterman and what the pre-interview is like. Howard and Gilbert also talked about Jay Leno and did their impressions of him talking to them.
Howard asked if they saw what happened to Roberto Santiago. Howard said this is a guy who writes negative stuff about them. Howard said he read that Roberto was moved to a crime bureau instead of the radio column. Howard said he may have been moved because of a positive letter he wrote to Playboy about an interview. Gilbert started to do an impression that Howard had to stop him on. He said he got a lot of hate mail the last time he did the ''Si, Sue, Sy'' bit.
Howard read about how one of his stations is sticking in traffic reports in the show. Howard said they have to stop with that. He said they don't need it.
Howard had Robin get to her news. Robin read some stories and had one about a woman who snipped off her husband's testicles. Howard and Gilbert said they felt a wave come over them when she read that story. Howard said he can't even explain it. Jackie said it's like an electric shock. Gilbert said you feel it in your anus too. They spent a few minutes talking about that story and making jokes about it.
Robin went through some other news and Howard ended up talking about coach Jerry Jones and how he made a speech for the company. Howard had Tom Chiusano come in to talk about that.
Gilbert started doing his Dracula impression. Howard talked about how Bela Lugosi was buried in his Dracula outfit. Gilbert kept up the impression and Howard said that's really great. Robin asked if he was going to do the whole movie. Gilbert was reciting line after line from a movie. Howard said what's amazing is that he's so talented and he can't get laid. He asked how that happens. Howard said he could listen to that Dracula impression all night. Howard said Tom is a vampire because he sucks the life out of him. Gilbert did his Dracula as if he were Tom asking Howard to take a meeting with him about the show.
Robin went through some more news and had some audio of Troy Aikman talking. Gilbert was still doing his Dracula impression and goofing on that. Howard said he's going to put Gilbert in a Dracula movie. Gilbert kept going with the impression and Howard said those are great movies he's quoting.
Robin read a story about a visa lottery that the country was running. Howard said this country is packed already.
Robin read a story about 2 gang members who were arrested over a killing. Fred played a clip of Jackie laughing at that story. Howard had Gilbert doing his Dracula and Frankenstein impressions. He had Howard laughing at some of his comments. Robin had some audio of a cop talking about the arrest.
Robin read a story about Burt Reynolds so Howard said he had an idea for a movie. Burt Reynolds vs Dracula. Howard said he should write it for Saturday Night Live. Robin said Burt had chest pains on the set of his TV show. Gilbert did more of his Dracula impression and recited some more lines from a movie. Then he started doing his Abbott & Costello impression. Howard had to ask him to let Robin say something.
Gary told Howard they got a letter from a woman who says she's into Gilbert. Howard told him to forget it because he's doing the news. Howard gave in a few seconds later and took the call. The girl described what she looked like and said she's into Gilbert. Howard asked if she has a big rack. She said she had a breast reduction actually. She said she's about a C-cup now. Howard asked if she's sleep with him. She said ''Um, no.'' Howard said if she's into that then he'd go out with her. Howard said he wants to have sex while dressed up like Dracula too. Howard said she's not for Gilbert. Howard said he's looking for sex. Howard hung up on her.
Robin read about Senator Bob Packwood and had some audio of him talking about the 22 charges he has against him. Howard said he sounds like Jackie explaining things. Howard did his Jackie impression so Gilbert did that and Fred got in on it too. Gilbert did some more of his Dracula impression too.
Robin read about a young girl who ran off from a mall. Robin said they found her up in Canada. She said the girl was engaged to be married and she ran off to Canada. Robin said they say that her actions were voluntary. Howard said they should put her up on charges for doing something like that.
Robin read about a guy in Detroit who took off with an EMS truck with people inside. Robin said the crew member jumped out but a patient remained. The hijacker crashed the truck.
Robin read about a guy names Jesus who had sodomized his mother and that got Gilbert back on the ''Si, Sue'' thing with Fred. Howard said he has to throw Gilbert out of there if he does that again. Howard said he doesn't know what's going on. Gilbert was laughing while Howard and Robin talked about the story.
Robin read about how the Jackson family not paying for a show they did. Robin said they had to reduce ticket prices and even give away some tickets to the show. Gilbert did his Michael Jackson impression while they talked about that.
Gary came in and said he has a guy on the phone who says he has seen Gilbert hanging out by the front desk at the airline he works for. He said he's heard Gilbert bad mouthing Howard to the employees there. Howard said maybe he was kidding or joking around to get laid. The caller didn't think so. Howard said Gilbert should never say anything negative about him. Gilbert said maybe this is just someone who wants to get on the Howard Stern Show. The caller said he doesn't need to. He said he sat there shaking his head and thought about how he's just using Howard. Gilbert asked if he really thinks that he thinks Howard is rude and crass. Howard said he'd have to be inhuman to bad mouth him. Howard said he was the only one to visit him in the hospital. Howard said he won't even respond to this because it's just a rumor. Howard wrapped up after that.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:35am.
''Scores Man'' Ronnie And Chaunce Hayden Fight It Out. 10/20/03. 8:20am
Howard said they have the Smartest Stripper contest coming up and Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern'' is so tired that they couldn't wake her from her sleep. Howard said he was on her web site and one of her goals is to ''roller skate more.'' Howard and the guys talked about that a little bit. Gary came in and said he heard that Andrea was in the bathroom at Scores and as she was walking out she stumbled and fell into one of the stalls and landed in another woman's lap.
Howard said that Ronnie the Limo Driver has an office being built for him at the new Scores in Manhattan. Howard said he also heard that his e-mail address is ''Scores Man.'' Ronnie said it's actually ScoresMan923... Howard told him that maybe he's going a little to far with the Scores stuff. Howard started to talk about some of the suggestions that Ronnie has been giving the guys at Scores like having a fish tank in the restaurant and stuff like that. He said it's probably not a good idea to look at live fish when you're eating fish. Ronnie didn't know why Howard was busting his balls though. Howard was just having some fun with him. He said Ronnie used to have a lot of Playboy stuff on his limo years ago and it was just too much. Ronnie said he goes to the Scores office to work once in a while during the week. He said he only goes on days that he's no tied up driving Howard home or anything like that.
Howard goofed around with the ''Scores Man'' thing and made Ronnie out to be a super hero. Howard let a caller goof on him a little bit saying he needed some help at Scores. Chaunce Hayden called back to rip on Ronnie. He went off on him saying that he works for the Howard Stern show and he's leaching off of the show. The two of them tried bad mouth each other for a couple of minutes but Jeff the Drunk called in and told them to move on to the strippers. Ronnie and Chaunce got back to their arguments and goofed on each other for a couple more minutes. Chaunce says he's ready to fight Ronnie. He ended up leaving the studio when Howard wanted to move on to the stripper game.
The Adventures Of ScoresMan923. 10/21/03. 7:50am
After the break Howard mentioned that they found out that Ronnie the Limo Driver's screen name online is ScoresMan (scoresman923) so Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) put together a bit where Ronnie is a super hero. Howard played the bit and Robin said it was hysterical. Howard said he heard that Ronnie is really pissed off today because of the goofing he's taking over it all. Stuttering John came in and said that Ronnie told Will not to ''F*** with'' him today. Howard heard that Ronnie has business cards made up that say he's a special consultant to Scores. Howard continued to goof on him about that and about the ScoresMan923 screen name. Howard said he didn't even get the 923 reference. It's their station's frequency, 92.3. He thought that was pretty funny. Howard wondered why he took that number because he doesn't really work there. He also talked about how when he first met Ronnie, he loved Playboy. Howard had Scores Man come in so he could goof on him. Howard asked him why he was acting like a tough guy this morning. Ronnie said he wasn't acting like a tough guy even though he didn't sound so thrilled to be answering Howard's questions. Howard asked Scores Man about what being a consultant means. Scores Man said that it means exactly what he told Howard which was that he gives them suggestions for the clubs. Howard took some phone calls for Scores Man and let some people goof on him. A few guys called in and goofed on him about the whole Scores Man thing.
Howard goofed on Ronnie about a fish tank idea that he thought Ronnie had for Lonnie over at Scores. Ronnie said that wasn't his idea though. He was just going to pass it along to Lonnie. Ronnie said he had some ideas about changing the restaurant over at Scores so they're going to put up a wall over there. Jeff the Drunk called in and told Scores Man to use his super powers to fly his ass out of there. Howard said Jeff hates Ronnie. Ronnie said he doesn't like him either. He wrapped up the discussion shortly after that. He continued to goof on Scores Man for a little while after that. He said he had no idea that Ronnie's screen name was ScoresMan923. Robin said he's like someone who married someone and took their name using Scores like that.
Actress Sofia Vergara Comes In. 4/15/03. 7:45am
A few weeks ago this kid called in and told Howard that his mother looks like this actress by the name of Sofia Vergara. Howard didn't know who she was at the time but Sofia heard about it and called them. That's how she got booked to do the show.
Howard said he saw a picture of her and she was really hot. He was also corrected about her being a model. He was told that she's an actress. Gary quickly told Howard that she's willing to take off her jacket if he wants. Howard told her to take it off. She had a heavy Hispanic accent that Howard had a little fun with. He said a few things in Spanish that she didn't understand. Howard said he heard that Latin women are great in bed. He said he knew a guy who went out with a Latin woman and she ''tossed his salad'' and went back to the back door with her tongue. Howard asked Sofia about growing up on a farm and how her breasts developed when she was pretty young. Howard said he heard that she complained about the size of her breasts and wanted to get them reduced. Her mother convinced her that she would be happier when she got older so she didn't get them reduced. Howard said a woman getting their breasts reduced would be like a guy getting their penis chopped shorter. Sofia said she learned how to cover those things up as she was growing up. She said she'd wear a big coat like she was wearing this morning.
Howard asked Sofia if she's ever had trouble getting men. She said there are men who she can't get. Howard said he heard that she dated both Julio and Enrique Iglesias. She said she knows Enrique but never dated his father. She said she wouldn't go out with a guy that much older than her.
Howard asked Sofia about the confusion about her being a model. She said she's been working for Univision the Spanish network and has been in the movie ''Big Trouble.'' She said she has a little bit of trouble getting movie roles because of her accent.
Howard asked Sofia when she started having sex. She said because the schools were so religious that it took a while before that started. She was married at 18 though. She said she was ''almost'' a virgin when she got married. The man she married was the guy who took her virginity though. Howard asked Sofia if she's interested in someone like a Donald Trump. She said that's not her type. Howard also asked her how Enrique Iglesias was in bed. She said she didn't come there to talk about that stuff though. Howard went on to read about some of the other guys she's dated like Puff Daddy. He read that she got pissed when Puff Daddy put his hand up her dress. She said that's not true though. Howard also read that she dated Mark Wahlberg. She said he's just a friend though. Alex Rodriguez was on the list and she said she knew him before his big baseball contract. She said he was just a friend also. Sofia told Howard that she has trouble finding guys to date. Gary said that she once dated a guy who was in a witness protection program and actually put her house up to bail him out of jail one time. She told Howard that the guy was a really good friend and she'd do anything for him and back him up. She also knows Madonna and has hung out with her. She said she's not really a friend though. Sofia told Howard she's 30 years old so he told her she has to slow down because she's over the hill. He asked her what she drinks when she parties and if she smokes weed. She said she likes Scotch on the rocks but doesn't smoke weed. She told Howard she's a mom so she doesn't do that stuff. She has an 11 year old child.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who thought she had to testify in front of a grand jury for her friend who is in the witness protection program. She said that wasn't true though. Howard said he was trying to figure out what kind of guys Sofia likes. She really didn't want to talk about the guy's she's dated in the past though. She kept saying that they were just friends. Howard noticed that Sofia took off her coat and she had huge breasts. He told her not to have them reduced. He asked if he could feed from her breasts even if she's not pregnant.
Howard read that Sofia is friends with Tom Cruise but she said she doesn't even know him. Howard said all of his notes were wrong about her. He got to her plugs and let her talk about this movie ''Chasing Papi'' that opens this week. He said he wasn't even listening to what she had to say because he was so distracted by her beauty. She talked about the movie for a couple of minutes before Howard took some phone calls. He also said that calling the movie ''Chasing Papi'' isn't a name he'd use because it sounds like a movie that isn't an English language movie. Howard also gave her a plug for her web site SofiaVergara.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Sofia's voice was a turn off. Another caller said she did the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and looked great in those pictures. One guy said he saw her all over Puff Daddy when he saw her on some TV show. It turns out she walked off a live TV show because this show was trying to make up a story about her being with Puff Daddy when she really wasn't. Howard asked her what kind of money she's making now. She said she's making quite a bit and when she goes home to Columbia, it turns into a lot of Pesos. She said she's using the money to build a hospital down in Columbia. She said the average wage down there is about $200 a month down there. Howard said he could live like a king there if that's the case. Sofia revealed that she had thyroid cancer about a year ago but she's cleared that up. Howard wondered what it would cost him to build a cancer hospital for hot chicks down in Columbia. Sofia said that was kind of mean.
Howard read that Sofia was neighbors with Brad Pitt but she said that wasn't true either. Howard didn't understand how it was possible everything he had on her was wrong. He took a phone call from a guy who said that she has some ''almost naked'' pictures of herself in her calendars. Howard gave her another plug for the movie ''Chasing Papi'' which opens tomorrow. Gary then came in and said that he doesn't know that her breasts are real because of the way they looked to him. Howard said they were real to him. He then wrapped up the segment and took a break.
Tom Chiusano's Broken Pinkie. 9/26/02. 7:50am
Howard said there was something strange going on with General Manager Tom Chiusano. He said that Tom was walking around with a cast on his hand because he'd broken his pinkie. Howard said Tom didn't want to talk about it with him because it was something dumb that he'd done. Howard said he later found out that Tom punched a door after his suit fell on the floor. There was more to it though. Tom came in and explained what happened that day. He played a card game with some friends and ended up losing for the 20th week in a row so he got pissed. He went home and started hanging his freshly cleaned suit and punched the suit in anger a few times. When he did that he hit the door it was hanging on and broke his pinkie. Howard and the rest of the guys ended up goofing on Tom for about 15 minutes after hearing the whole story.
Incubus Performs Live In The Studio. 10/24/01. 8:55am
The band Incubus came in to perform a cover version of Led Zeppelin's ''Immigrant Song'' for Howard. Howard spoke to the guys for a few minutes before they performed. Brandon the lead singer was first up. Howard had notes about him that said he's had women chasing after him since he was just a child. Brandon said that he got beat up a lot as a kid but he doesn't remember women chasing him. Howard said Brandon's mother had said something about that in an interview somewhere. Howard also read that the magazine ''Teen People'' had voted Brandon one of the hottest guys in music. Gilbert Gottfried said that he was fascinated that a guy has women who actually come after him. He's never experienced anything like that. Howard also read that Brandon never cheated on his girlfriend while he was on the road. Brandon said he was faithful to his girlfriend at the time but he doesn't have one now.
Howard moved on to talk to the other guys in the band. He spoke to Mike Einziger who they spoke about a little earlier in the show. He's Scott Einziger's cousin... Howard then spoke to Chris who plays the turntables. He also quickly spoke to Jose and Dirk.
The guys said that they have a check for the charity that Howard was collecting for. They said that they're donating $51,000 to the same charity and the check would be there in about an hour.
The band wanted Howard to sing along with ''Immigrant Song'' so Howard finally agreed to do it. He sang the crowing part where they go ''Ahhhhh Ahhhh Ahhhh Ahhhhh'' and pretty much ruined the song. The band said Howard did kind of mess up their timing with his crowing. They then performed their new single ''Wish You Were Here'' which is on their new album ''Morning View'' which just came out yesterday. That was a great performance that made up for the ruined Led Zeppelin song.
Howard thanked them for the big donation that they're making and then took some phone calls. Howard saw the band perform at a concert one time and said that they were great. The phone callers were saying the same thing.
After taking a bunch of calls Howard said the band will be appearing at Tower Records in New York City this evening at 5pm. You can find out more info at EnjoyIncubus.com. Howard also said that while he watched the band he thought about how he wasted his youth doing drugs and reading comic books when he should have been learning to play an instrument like these guys did. Gilbert Gottfried had a similar wasted youth. He sat around and watched old horror movies so now his talent is doing ''Dracula Gottfried.'' After talking about that Howard wrapped up the segment and took a break.
After the break someone called in and told Howard that the beginning of the ''Immigrant Song'' was screwed up. Howard said it was Scott the Engineer again. He said Scott forgot to hit a button when the band was starting to play so he hit it after they started. Howard said that he doesn't even argue with Scott anymore because it's pointless.
Howard spent a little bit of time talking about Oprah Winfrey and how an author recently decided that he didn't want Oprah's book club to pick his stuff for their book of the month. He said that Oprah's seal of approval sticker is a corporate logo that he doesn't want on his book. Howard said he thinks that's great and he wants to get that guy on the show to talk to him about it.
Howard also talked about Oprah having this guy Dr. Phil on her show to yell at people about their relationships. Howard and the crew spent a few minutes goofing on that guy and Oprah. Richard Jeni said that Oprah is supposed to be doing a show about self-help but she's 200 pounds overweight. He said there's no way he'd take advice from someone like that.
Sal the Stockbroker called in at one point and told Howard he blew his chance at the Concert for New York on Saturday night. Sal seems to think that Howard could have bashed Osama bin Laden instead of bashing the celebrities that fled New York. Howard ended up hanging up on Sal after he defended his monologue saying that he just said what was on his mind.
The 1998 Winter Intern Beauty Pageant. 12/8/98. 7:40am
Yes, it's that time of year once again. Each time the end of an Intern semester comes to an end Howard and the gang hold an Intern Beauty Pageant. This time there are 5 contestants and 3 judges. The Judges for this pageant are KKK member Daniel Carver, Gary the Retard and ex-intern Gay Rich. Howard introduced each of them, gave Gary the Retard a quiz, then quickly moved on to the pageant. Each contestant was first judged on their beauty. Howard then questioned them to get an idea of their personality. Last but not least was the Talent portion. Each contestant sang a song parody about themselves. Listed below are the scores that were given by each judge.
Contestant number 1 was Melissa, a 22 year old wearing a bikini top. Howard asked her a few questions like:
Contestant number 2 was Janine. She's a 21 year old and was wearing some kind of see through outfit. Some of the personality questions asked were:
Contestant number 3 was 23 year old virgin Ann Marie. She was wearing a mini skirt and a shawl. Personality questions included:
Contestant number 4 was red head Siobhan wearing an ugly dress according to Gay Rich. Some of her personality questions included:
The final contestant was Marni who almost didn't enter the contest. One of the CBS guys talked her into entering it though. Howard asked her a few sex questions but she pled the 5th and didn't give any answers. For the talent portion Marni sang ''Marni The Intern'' to the tune of ''Frosty The Snowman.''
While Gary was tabulating the scores Howard brought in 2 former winners Heather and Deb. He spoke to them for a minute then Gary announced the runners-up and the winner. The winner won a bunch of stuff like:
Let The Cat Fighting Begin! 12/8/98. 9:35am
After the beauty pageant was over a couple of the contestants got in a little bit of a fight. Melissa mentioned something about the winner Anne Marie wearing a slutty outfit. Melissa said that if she knew that she could wear a slutty outfit she would have. Gary said he let the girls know that they could wear any ''sexy outfit'' they want to. Some chose gowns, some chose bikini tops. It's all in good fun right? Now that the prizes are so good the fighting should get even better!
Hypnotist Marshall Sylver Visits. 12/05/06. 8:00am
Howard had this guy Marshall Sylver who was going to hypnotize some of the guys on the show. Howard gave him a pug for his web site Sylver.com and spent a short time talking to him about his last name.
Marshall said that he's taken five guys on the show and put them under hypnosis. He said that all five of them are under and very good candidates for this. He said that Gary is a great subject and it shows a sign of high intelligence when people are that easy to hypnotize.
Howard read that Marshall had just done a movie so he spent a minute talking about that. Marshall said he put up his own money for the movie and they literally just finished it. Howard wanted to bring in the guys who were hypnotized so they could mess with them. He had JD, Sal, Richard, Ronnie and Gary. Gary said he wasn't hypnotized, he was told he was a great candidate.
JD said he didn't think he fell under the hypnosis. Sal and Richard were ready to go and acting kind of creepy. Ronnie said he didn't know what his expectations were but he did say that he was talking to Lisa earlier and thinks that she's really hot. Artie wondered who Lisa was.
Howard let Marshall go over and start doing whatever he was going to do. Marshall said he wanted to have some fun but didn't want to permanently damage anyone by pushing them too far. Marshall wanted to take the guys to the couch so they wouldn't fall over or anything like that. He told the guys to look at him, had them breathe deeply and then told them to sleep. They all passed out on the couch according to Howard.
Howard told Marshall to take Ronnie and tell him that he's a beautiful Scores girl and have him ride the Sybian. Marshall did his thing and told Ronnie he was going to be Ronnette and he was going to ride the Sybian machine. Ronnette said that he doesn't like his name and it's supposed to be Jaime. Howard called him Jaime and asked her how he became a stripper. ''Jaime'' told Howard that Lonnie called her after finding her in a restaurant. He described her pussy to Howard after he asked about it. He said that she's got a big bush down there. He said it was big but not all that hairy. He wasn't sure if it was smelly or not and started laughing during the discussion. When Howard asked him when he last fucked a guy he just laughed and said he was tearing from laughing so much.
Jaime said that she was only 27 and her pussy wasn't all that tight. She said she's got a lot of boyfriends and they use big things on her. Gary asked him if he ever puts his tongue up a man's ass. He said he loves that stuff. Howard asked her if she wanted to ride the Sybian. She said she wasn't sure but Howard kept asking. She wanted some money to get on it. Marshall tried making his need to ride it stronger and stronger but he was still asking for money.
Howard had Ronnie... er, Jamie, on the Sybian. He was complaining about part of it going up his ass. Ronnie started laughing as soon as Gary turned it on. He rode it for a short time before Howard had him get off of it and go back to the couch. Howard told him he was a pretty girl before Marshall put him back under and back to sleep.
Artie told Marshall to do Ronnie a favor and have ''Jaime'' jump off the roof. Gary said that Jaime's glasses got all fogged up during that whole thing so there must have been some kind of excitement going on.
Howard asked Marshall to ask JD some questions about a gay fantasy. While he was asking about that Ronnie started laughing like crazy. Marshall had to put him back under again. Howard asked Marshall to do some things with JD and told Marshall to turn into something he's not... a studly, ladies man. He told JD to wake up and realize that he was in love with Robin and he was going to sing her a song to profess his love for her.
When Marshall woke JD from his hypnosis, he said he wasn't singing to Robin. He said he wasn't under and wasn't going to sing at all. Marshall said that some people just can't be put under because they fight it too much. He thinks that he's too inhibited. He told him that he's got too much psychobabble going on in his head. JD said he knows that.
Howard told Gary to get rid of JD since he wasn't a good subject. Up next were Sal and Richard. Marshall told them that they were going to be attracted to people in the studio and woke them from their sleep. Sal said that he was attracted to Howard but he wouldn't suck his dick but would tongue kiss him. Sal said that he would even do ass to mouth stuff with him because he'll do anything to make him happy.
Howard asked Richard which guy he likes the most on the show. Richard said that Fred did some things on the show one day and he was attracted to him. Ronnie burst out in laughter when he heard that. Richard went on to talk about how good looking Fred is and how he rides a motorcycle so he's cool. He said he'd like to see Fred with his shirt off to see what kind of shape he's in. He said he'd like to get a massage from him or maybe give him a massage.
Howard asked Richard if he would jerk Fred off. Richard said he doesn't think he could do that. He could probably jerk off in the same room. He said he couldn't bring himself to do any of that stuff. Howard asked him which man he was least attracted to. He said it would be Jason. Sal said it would be Scott the Engineer.
Howard asked Richard who he hates the most on the show. Richard said it was Penny Crone because she's annoying and fake acting. Sal was up next with that question and he said it was actually Fred Norris. He said he thinks that Fred is a sociopath. Sal said that he's hard to read and that scares him. Marshall put them under a short time later.
Howard told Marshall that he's great with this stuff. He gave him a plug for his web site and said that he knows what he's doing. He asked Marshall if he left anything out. Marshall said that they have a program on his web site where guys can learn to pick up women with hypnosis. You can check that out at SubconsciousSeduction.com. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard had Richard Simmons come in to hang out. Howard told him that perfume should be put on sparingly. Richard said it's not perfume.
Richard told Howard he has a surprise for him. Robin told him to stop it before he even got to it. Howard played the ''You Dick!'' clip from Fast Times at Ridgemont High clip a couple of times. Richard hates that clip so he yelled at Howard to stop it.
Howard asked if Richard is getting married. Richard said he got married on Sunday night. Robin said he's wearing a wedding band. Howard said there goes that myth. Richard said he's 40 years old so he figured it was time. Howard asked how long this woman has been a woman. Richard laughed. Howard said his mind is blown. He said he's shocked. Richard said Howard is married and has children. Howard asked if this is April 1st. Howard said Jm J Bullock is getting married too. Howard said that the flags on Fire Island are at half mast this morning.
Richard said they were going to name their first child after Howard. He said he's one of the kindest and emotional people he's ever met. Howard thanked him for that and Fred played the ''You dick!'' clip a couple more times. Richard yelled at Howard to stop it.
Richard told Howard that his wife's father invented the seat belt so he gets a royalty every time one is used. Howard asked where they met. He asked why he didn't marry one of those fatsos he works out. Richard kept telling him to stop it with that. Howard asked if he talks the same way in the house that he does there. The wife said he does.
Howard said Richard has those dogs and he said he was never going to get married. Richard said he thinks everyone should have a dog. Howard said he would do things to this woman if he was married to her. Howard asked how old she is. She said she's 29. Howard asked if she's ever been married before.
Richard kept interrupting. Howard asked if she's really married to him. She said she is. Howard asked how this happened. He said he thought Richard was wild and didn't know he was like him. Richard said he wouldn't go that far. Howard said Richard is his kind of guy. He said they can go smell Walter Hudson's farts together now.
Howard said he had to take a break. After the edited out break Howard came back with Richard and his wife. Howard said he's not buying any of this. Richard said he met Linda a few years ago. Howard said he isn't buying any of it. He said now that he's married he can have a real fist fight with him. Fred played ''You dick!'' again. Richard asked where the tape is so he can make sure it doesn't happen. He stole the tapes and Fred played it again. Richard said that was a perfect place to keep the tapes. It was between his legs. Howard said now they know he won't take it.
Howard asked Linda if she uses Richard's voice as birth control. Richard said they don't believe in birth control. Howard said Shadoe Stevens is back. He told him that Richard got married. Shadoe said he's shocked. Howard said everyone is in shock. He said Richard can't act like he thought everyone would think this was normal.
Richard showed Howard the ring he used for the wedding. He said it was his father's. Howard said he knew he married his father. Richard told him to stop it again. Shadoe said that Howard has to be careful with this subject. Howard asked if Richard and Linda will share a wardrobe. Howard said they have to call Sam Kinison about this. Richard didn't know who he was. Howard said he's a famous comedian.
Richard said he has to get going. He said Gary told them they could only stay 20 minutes. Howard said he wants to hear more about how they met and how Richard is in bed. Fred played the ''You dick!'' clip again. Richard yelled at him to stop.
Howard asked Richard what his favorite position is. Richard told him to stop. Howard said he had no idea that he was dating. Richard said he dated for 2 years before he made love to her. Richard said his parents were married 50 years and they weren't happy. He said he wanted to make sure she was the right person. Howard said everyone is standing around shocked by this news.
Richard talked about how great Shadoe Stevens is. He said he thinks he'll be a huge cinema star in the next 3 years. Howard said Edgar Rosenberg just called in and said he's shocked by this news. Richard told him to stop it once again.
Howard said he has to call Sam Kinison about this. Howard made the call and tried to get him on the line. He got Christine Lebove on the line. Howard said he has to talk to Sam. Christine put the phone down and got Sam. Sam picked up and said hello. Richard asked what he had for breakfast. Sam said ''I forgot her name.''
Howard told Sam that Richard got married. Sam gave one of his ''Oh... Ohhhhh!'' yells and said remember that face. Howard said Richard is really married. He told Sam that he should come down there and visit. Howard told him to come down tomorrow. Sam said he'll see what he can do.
Howard said he has Martha Quinn there too. Sam said he could have made an impression on her. Howard told Sam to get down there tomorrow. Jessica Hahn was there too so she said hi to Sam and told him he's dead meat for not showing up today. Howard said he'll see Sam later. Sam thanked him for coming to Hollywood. Howard let him go after Richard said hi to him again. They went to break after that.
Type O Negative Perform ''Cinnamon Girl''. 3/13/00. 9:15am
The band Type O Negative came in this morning to perform their version of ''Cinnamon Girl'' which Howard is a big fan of. Howard spent a minute talking to the lead singer of the band, Peter Steel. He's not a happy sounding guy and some of the notes Howard read confirmed it. The notes said that the first album the band put out was about wanting to kill his girlfriend and himself. Peter said that was true. Peter once said that Kurt Cobain is his hero because he had the balls to shoot himself. Howard also asked him about some of the jobs he's had in his life. He used to pick up feces in New York as a janitor or something. He also told Howard that he used to deliver flowers and one woman never tipped him. He got back at her by pissing in her flowers and told her to put them on her radiator because it was good for the flowers. Eventually Howard had the band perform ''Cinnamon Girl''. The band has a very heavy metal sound and they did a great job with the song. Howard also pointed out that they did a song on the ''Private Parts'' soundtrack with Ozzy Osbourne. He thanked them for doing that. Their new album ''World Coming Down'' is out now and they'll be performing at the Roseland Ballroom in New York City tomorrow night.
Pissing Off Co-Workers In One Sentence. 9/18/03. 7:20am
Howard came back from break and said that Gary told him a funny game would be to say one sentence to a person on the show that would throw them off and get them pissed. Howard said he could probably do that with guests because he can do it with someone like Fred. Gary said he's seen Howard piss off stripper guests in just a few minutes. Howard said he doesn't want to go there with Robin because she gets pissed off so easy. He said the same thing about Fred who has walked off the show in the past. Howard said Robin is too sensitive to play this game with. He said she just can't take criticism. Howard said he'd written down the stuff about Robin during the break so he could prove he was just coming up with lines to play the game. Howard said some stuff about Artie and his girlfriend Dana and how she doesn't really love him just to get him pissed. Artie said he'd like to say some lines to Howard as well to get him pissed off. Howard told him he could go there if he wanted to but Artie didn't want to.
Howard told Fred that he would have no career without him. Fred asked him where the insult was and got pissed within a few seconds. Howard then moved on to Gary but backed off because he knew it was going to upset him so much. Gary wasn't sure if he wanted Howard to go there with him. Howard said that Gary cheats on his wife but Gary said that's not right and did get pissed that he said that. He asked Howard to take it back so he did. Howard said he was pissed because Gary thought he knew him so well that he could predict what he was going to say to piss him off. He wrote down that he predicted Howard would say that his wife Mary hates him, that he's pussy whipped and that he watches the kids too much. Howard said Gary is immune to that stuff though so he didn't go that direction.
The guys wanted Howard to get Stuttering John pissed off in once sentence but he said it's too easy to do that. He didn't want to keep going with that stuff. John came in a short time later and said that they have a guest on the phone. He seemed to be avoiding Howard getting him pissed off.
Howard said that KC is scaring him these days. He said that he wants him going to the Psychiatrist 5 days a week but KC doesn't want to do that. Gary said that KC got sick yesterday and he's convinced that it's the medication he's on. KC said they've turned him into a drug addict and he's getting sick because he's going through withdrawal. Howard said his eyes are starting to roll back into his head as well. Gary said KC told him he's going to go off the medication but he told him not to do that. Howard and Robin talked about how whenever crazy people go off their meds, they go nuts. Howard said KC seems to be worse since he went on the medication. KC said he is worse but Robin told him that there's a time of adjustment where he'll have to get used to the feeling of being on the medication.
Howard seems to think that the way KC's father raised him is why he's mentally ill. He brought up one story where his dad had people throwing balls at KC in a game they played called the Lonesome Coyote. KC said that stuff was fun and that's what guys do. Howard said that's not what father's do to their sons though. Howard asked KC if he'd ever do that to his own son. KC thought for a few seconds and said he probably wouldn't do that to his kid but it was only a game. Then he said he might do it to him. Howard didn't think KC was being serious about the stuff he was saying so he wanted to get him out of the studio. He then told KC that he was going to bring in a 6 year old kid so KC can see what he'd go through. Howard finally kicked KC out of the studio and called him The Lonesome Coyote.
In the clip Howard was talking about how Gary and Fred went to see the singer Phranc the night before. Howard said Gary is a fan now. He said Gary was saying there were a lot of hot chicks there at the show. Gary said he was talking to one girl and she looked familiar. He said he didn't know who she was. Gary said she told him that she saw Phranc a while ago and he figured hitting on her wouldn't be a good idea.
Howard said Fred was freaked out because there were a lot of homosexuals there. He said two gay guys came in and shared the same folding chair at the party. He said that Fred won't even go to a party with Siobhan. Howard asked Gary if Fred was flipping out. Gary said he was kind of nervous.
Gary said Phranc showed up in pajamas and military boots. Howard asked if she was wearing a bra. Gary said he's not sure about that. He said she was trying to look like a man though. Gary told him to check out the album cover. He said that's the look she was going for.
Gary told Howard about the guys who sat next to Fred. Howard said he didn't know they were next to him. He thought they were in front of him. Gary said one guy looked kind of mainstream. He said the other one had an unusual look with a bow tie and some horn rimmed glasses. Howard said a lot of gay guys are into those frames. He said they're like goggles. Gary said they're called power frames. Howard said he saw someone wearing them the other day. He said it was that guy Yakof Jackoff. Howard said they're made like that so when a gay guy sits on your face they don't break.
Howard asked about the guys who sat next to Fred. Fred said they were hissing like steam radiators. Howard said it was an exciting night for gay people. Gary said one guy said he loved Phranc and she started mimicking him. He said it was pretty funny. Howard said they have to get more lesbian records like that. He asked who it was who dropped her voice really low. Gary said he thought it was this one. Howard said he wants to get more lesbian records and have them on the show.
Howard asked if Phranc sang the M-A-R-T-I-N-A song last night. Gary said she did and she was actually good. Howard said she makes up anything that comes into her head. Robin said she spells out Czechoslovakia in one song. Howard played the M-A-R-T-I-N-A song. He said he could do that. Howard played guitar and made up his own lyrics like Phranc does. Howard was singing about a commercial he made the day before and how Fred and Jackie weren't there. Howard said Gary is looking at him like ''Hey, that's not so bad.'' Gary said it's really not.
Howard said any idiot can do that. Howard asked how Gary could say she was good. Gary said that he never said she was that good. He said he just said she wasn't bad.
Howard made up a song about Ronnie the Limo Driver and his driving. Howard said that's no singing. Fred was cracking up.
Howard made up a song about Gary's D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G Teeth. Gary thanked him for that. Howard played more of Phranc's song and laughed as she sang that M-A-R-T-I-N-A song. Howard said you wonder what the hell that is when you hear it. Gary said he and Fred were the only non-believers in the audience and they got sucked in. Howard said they were brain washed. Howard said Gary came in and told him about that concert and said he thought it was good. Howard said he was wondering if she had gotten guitar lessons recently or something. Howard played another one of her songs where she spelled out Czechoslovakia. Howard said all she's doing is playing G and C chords. Howard said if he can play it then you know it's bad. Robin said that's what people play around camp fires.
Howard sang about Gary and Fred going to the Phranc concert. Howard said they got suckered in. He sang about how he thinks they're H-O-M-O-S. Robin joined in on that one. Gary said ''Oh goodness...'' Howard said he can't think that song is good. Gary said there were some politically correct songs in there. Howard asked what the funny one was. Gary said she had one called ''Take Off Your Swastika.''
Gary said that Joey Ramone was supposed to be there last night. He said so was the lead singer from INXS. Gary said he thought that someone said Billy Crystal was there but it turned out it was Hilly Crystal who started CBGB's.
Howard started to sing about why no celebrities showed up at the Phranc concert. Howard said maybe they were E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-E-D. then he started to sing ''My songs are S-H-I... never mind.''
Gary said he actually met Phranc. Gary said they brought him up to meet her and take a picture. He said that she shook his hand and kind of stood back when they told her where he was from. Gary said he told her to come by the show and she just looked at him. He said he got one of the souvenir Phranc emery boards.
Howard said she's just a very confused woman. Howard played more of Phranc's music and goofed on it some more. He wondered if she's like Suzanne Vega. He said she's like Suzanne but with tuna breath.
Howard played another song that sounded like a Polka song. Howard and the guys were laughing at that one too. Howard said this is like a joke thing. He said she has no respect for the music. Gary said she has one about her grandmother in there. He said she sings about her grandmother telling her mother not to knock the lesbian thing until she's tried it.
Howard played another Phranc song where she sings about a rodeo parakeet. Howard said it's beautiful. He made some snoring sounds as it played. Howard made up another song about his family. He had Robin and Jackie laughing. They wrapped up a short time later.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:50am.
Joey Boots Brings In Eleanor And Eric. 06/03/04. 7:30am
Howard thanked a few people for putting together the music library they had been playing with earlier. Robin and Howard both thought that could be bad news for them because whenever something good happens to them, they end up getting fired.
Joey Boots brought in a couple of guests today as part of his ''Get John's Job'' tryout. He had Eleanor and her boyfriend Eric. Eleanor is a 9/11 widow who got a lot of money after that. Howard said that she was pretty hot too. Joey said that he was asking around for some freaks to come on the show with him and a bunch of people suggested these two.
Howard asked Eleanor what her husband did. She said he worked for Cantor Fitzgerald at the time. She said she was going to this place they had set up for the families that lost spouses in the attacks. She said she ended up getting quite a bit of money. Howard said she was wearing some sexy clothes and she looked hot for a 34 year old mother of 3. Eric said she was wearing too much so she started to strip down a short time later. While she was doing that she said that she got over $3 million after the attacks so her kids are all set for college and all of that.
Howard was checking out Eleanor after she stripped down. Joey Boots kept yelling out ''Joey done good!'' when he saw this woman stripping down. She and Eric have gone to Scores and she strips down there for him. She has also brought home a couple of strippers for her guy Eric. Howard tried to find out how all of that works. They've been together for about a year and he's one of the guys who ended up leaving his wife to date the widow.
Eric told Howard that he was on his way to work one day when she pulled him over to the side of the road. She claims that she didn't even have the money when they met. Eric said the money doesn't mean anything to him either. Eleanor told Howard that Eric had gotten a tattoo of her name on his shoulder when he was still married. The wife ended up finding it.
Howard wondered why Eric is no longer a cop. Eleanor told Howard that he beat her up and that's why he lost his badge. She said he broke a few of her ribs when they got in a fight down in Florida at one time. His badge was taken away from him after that. He spent two days in jail after that. It turns out he was on coke at the time as well. He was sent to a psych ward after that and they found that he's also bi-polar.
Eric and Eleanor said that they are married but the marriage doesn't sound official. Eleanor said that he's not entitled to any of her millions. Eric said she takes care of him very well though and recently bought him a new car after her nanny crashed up his old one. Howard asked them about the other girls they bring home. Eleanor talked about how they both do the women.
Gary told Howard that Eleanor had also robbed a bank at one time. She said that was way back in 1992 before she met the guy who died in the 9/11 attacks. She said that she was given immunity in the case because she just told the truth about what happened. Gary said there was even more. She also robbed someone at an ATM at one point. She claims that her mother and father were in on that as well. She claims that she would force people to the ground and steal their money. She would steal like fifty grand or so doing that because she was getting the people who refreshed the ATMs. Eleanor said they were stupid because there would be like one woman going to the machine alone.
Eleanor and Eric talked about how they like to smoke crack. Eric told Howard that he has shot guns at the police department while on crack. He was shooting machine guns and stuff like that while on the stuff. Howard was impressed with Eleanor's body because she didn't have any stretch marks. She's had 3 kids and there were no stretch marks on her. Eric said that he's giving it to her like 3 times a day. Eleanor claims that they once did it 25 times in one day. She said that he didn't finish 25 times but they did stuff together 25 times in one day.
Eleanor told Howard that her 18 year old daughter was there and she wants to meet him. She said that she smokes crack as well. Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard that he's surprised that they haven't taken her kids from her yet because anyone who smokes crack is neglecting her kids. She said she doesn't neglect them and he needs to get educated. Dominic asked her where she lives but she didn't answer him.
Howard had the guys bring in Gigi, Eleanor's daughter, so they could talk to her. Gigi came in and said that her mother is a good mom. She said that her mother is a ''mad chill'' and she's down with her. She told Howard that they get along ''really good'' and they hang out together. Howard spent a short time talking to her. A short time later Howard was asking Eleanor to take her top off. Gigi told Howard that she's seen them before because she's seen her mother and Eric banging each other. She admitted to having done crack once in a while as well.
Eric said sometimes he'll take a hit of crack and then blow it into Gigi's mouth. It looks like they're making out but he's really just giving her a hit. Howard thought that was kind of a sexual thing but Eric didn't think it was. He said it's just a way of taking it easy on the crack when you're running low.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that these people shouldn't come on the air using 9/11 as a way to get on. She was going off on them saying that there are a lot of people out there suffering from losing people in the attacks. Eleanor and Eric both defended themselves and gave their own versions of what has happened to them since 9/11. Eric worked down there picking up body parts for a month so he knows what suffering is.
Eric told Howard that he has been running from the cops for like 3 weeks now. It turns out Eleanor has an order of protection from him that's supposed to be good for 2 years so it's still in effect.
A listener called in and said he can't believe that he donated money to the 9/11 fund if people like this are getting the money. Eleanor told them that she donated money to that fund as well. Robin asked Eric how he told his wife he was leaving her. He said they were on their way to a wedding and he asked her not to go. He went to the wedding with Eleanor instead.
Benjy was asking Eleanor if she ever got arrested for robbing those ATM people. She said she was never caught so Benjy tried to find out when and where it happened so maybe she'd get caught. She wasn't giving that up though.
Joey told Howard that he was just asking around town about finding some wacky people to do the show and every bar he went into had the same answer for him... Eleanor and Eric. There were a few people calling in and complaining about the way these two act but Eleanor and Eric say that Eleanor is just getting over what happened on 9/11. Eleanor said that she grieved after 9/11 and was just about in a coma for a while after that. People had to feed her and take care of her after that but Eric pulled her out of that and now they're having fun.
Howard took some more phone calls and let some people ask some questions. One woman called in and said that Eric is still married to her sister. She called Eleanor a crack whore and there was some cursing going on so the delay was hit a few times. The woman said that Eric is an embarrassment to her family. Eric said that there comes a time when you have to enjoy your life and that's what he's doing.
Gigi was referring to Eric as her father even though he's not her biological father. She said she can go to him when she gets in trouble and stuff. She has gotten in some trouble with the cops. It turns out that Gigi was adopted by Eleanor when she was 16 years old.
A few more people called in and wondered how Eric ever got on the police force. One guy said he didn't think he was ever a cop. One guy called in and said that these guys sound like they're fun people. Other people were saying that she should have been the one in the buildings when they were attacked on 9/11.
Howard told Joey Boots that he did a good job with this assignment bringing these people in. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he did some investigating and the cops are going to be in her home town today. He also claims that they never adopted Gigi and blowing crack in her mouth is a felony in New York. He told her to just wait and see what happens today. Howard had to wrap up a short time later but Eleanor and Eric weren't done. They had a lot more to talk about but they'd have to save that for a future show. Howard told Robin she could die now because she'd seen it all after seeing these people. He went to break after that.
Frank Bank (Lumpy from ''Leave It To Beaver'') Calls In. 12/4/97. 8:40am
Frank Bank has written a book entitled ''Call Me Lumpy; My Leave It To Beaver Days...''. Frank has had quite a life. Howard rattled off questions one after the other about the book and it was all very interesting. It was hard to keep up with the conversation but here are a few things they talked about. Frank had an IQ of over 200 when he was a child back in the '50's. He's gotten laid over 1000 times because of his role on ''Leave It To Beaver''. He thinks Oriental's are best in bed. He's made millions in the stock market, not from the Beaver money. He was once married for a total of 6 days. Howard spent quite a while talking to Lumpy and they even gave him a little bit of an IQ test. He didn't do too well on it. He got 1 out of 4 questions correct. A couple of callers told Howard that there was no way Frank got over 200 on an IQ test. Frank did point out that it was back in the 1950's when he took the test so it may have been a little different than it is now. Franks book is being shipped now so it should be available very soon.
SIRIUS And Sybian Discussions. 04/12/10. 6:30am
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this morning he watched the Sybian ride with Dave Lampert and it was the funniest thing he's seen. He said Robin seemed embarrassed by the whole thing.
Howard said that Dave Lampert, the intervenor of the Sybian, was creepy on the show but they must have gotten a lot of new subscriptions to Howard TV. He said that David Arquette was sitting in too so it made it that much odder. Robin said that it kind of creeped her out having him in there.
The caller said that it was great when they came in with the power tools like a pit crew. Howard said that was nuts. He said they were dismantling the thing in record time and he was getting annoyed and wanted it to just end. He didn't know how good the segment was going to be.
Robin asked if it was one of the most viewed shows. Howard wasn't sure yet but he thinks that it must have been the most viewed.
The caller asked Howard about what he said about Robin and him working together forever. Howard said that they could work somewhere else if he doesn't stay there. The caller said that he gets kind of upset when he can't hear the show every morning. He said he loves to be able to listen to his second family and he really appreciates what they do there for the fans.
Howard said he hates it when he can't get the show and he gets ''Acquiring Signal'' on the radio. Robin said she used to have that in the past and it would drive her crazy. Howard said he doesn't have that problem at home but in the car once in a while. Howard said he loves listening to the old shows and stuff on his channels. Robin told a story about a guy she knew who had a 3 month trial and it ended while he was driving around and he just wanted it to come back on. Howard said that's a great way to get people to subscribe.
Howard was joking around about what customer service told a fan last week about how Howard had nowhere to go so he would be staying there at SIRIUS. Howard said that they told the guy that he has no place to go. Howard said he doesn't have to stay there though. He's still hinting that he's leaving at the end of the year.
Howard said they think that the customer service people are in India. Fred said just about everyone's is. Howard did his Indian impression and goofed around with that for a few minutes. He was talking about how they would answer the phone to help a SIRIUS customer and then help someone with their airline tickets and a bunch of other things.
Howard was joking around about how he has no other place to go and had the Indian guy telling the fans that when they call to get service. Fred got in on that too and did his Indian guy impression and answered the phone as an Apple Computer support guy while he was talking to the SIRIUS Customer.
Howard said he's heard that people call customer service there and they get India. Howard said it must sound like a telethon over there. He said it's no wonder they wear bandages on their heads, they must explode with the phones ringing.
Howard had the guys giving people advice on how to get a signal and things like that. Howard said they probably get paid 14 cents a day to answer the phones like that over there.
Howard said he heard some disgruntled people around there. He said he heard that some of the executives gave themselves some bonuses and the employees were upset that they got the bonuses and they had canceled the Christmas party. Howard said the parties always suck though. He said a lot of these guys defer payment and stuff so you can't get angry. He said he was trying to stick up for management but it's not easy to do.
Howard said he usually keeps his mouth shut. He said he doesn't know what's going on and he doesn't want to know. Howard said he's just glad the business is still around.
Howard played some clips from the creepy Sybian ride from last week. He had clips of that guy Dave talking to Raven while she was on the thing. He had him telling Raven to keep her eyes closed and stuff. Howard she has to keep her eyes closed or else she'd throw up from seeing him.
Howard said someone sent them a doctored photo of Dave with the ''Get That Poison out of your system...'' line on it. He said he almost hung it up on his wall.
Howard played some song parodies that some fans made using the clips of Dave saying ''Fuck me Robin'' when he meant to say Raven. Howard had a bunch of those songs.
Howard said on Sports Center they worked in ''Get the poison out'' during a broadcast. He played that clip and the host worked it into ''Get that poison out of your system Ronnie...'' during a report about Ronnie Polino.
Howard said the Sybian ride episode is number one on Howard TV right now. He knew it was going to be up there.
Rob Zombie Comes In. 8/24/98. 8:50am
Singer Rob Zombie came in to promote his new solo album ''Hellbilly Deluxe''. Rob has taken a break from his band White Zombie for a while so he can do this solo thing. Howard hung out with Rob and his girlfriend Sheri for a little while before Rob performed a couple of songs. Howard brought up the fact that Rob used to work on the ''Pee Wee's Playhouse'' TV show years ago. He did some artwork and stuff like that for the show. Rob was supposed to direct ''The Crow 3'' movie but after a couple of wasted years he's given up on it. The movie company jerked around for too long. There were a bunch of women who came down to dance during Rob's performance. There were a couple of S&M mistresses, a guy in drag and an old woman among other women. Howard talked to the mistresses for a little bit then took a break. After the break Rob performed the White Zombie song ''More Human Than Human'' then his new song ''Dragula'' from his new album. Howard seemed to love the songs. He was dancing during both of them. Rob's new CD is available tonight at midnight.
Teabag Balzack Calls In. 7/19/01. 7:35am
This guy by the name of Teabag Balzack from the band Confederate Fagg called in to talk about his band. Howard figured that the guy was gay because of his name and it was right. Teabag said that he has a don't ask, don't tell policy but he does swing both ways. He told Howard that he legally changed his name to Teabag Balzack and he's gotten many tickets just so the cops can prove they pulled someone over with that name. He claims he got the Teabag part of his name from the Van Halen song ''Panama'' when he was playing in a Van Halen tribute band. For some reason he thought that the line where David Lee Roth sings ''...reach down between my legs... ease the seat back..'' actually said ''...reach down between my legs... ease the tea bag...'' A short time later everyone let him know that he's been wrong all these years and his name makes no sense now.
Howard played one of Confederate Fagg's songs for us and it wasn't horrible but it wasn't that great either. Teabag said that they can't get anyone to manage the band for some reason. Artie Lange yelled at him to change the name of the band. That's probably what's holding them back from anyone representing them. Howard ended up goofing on the guy for screwing up his name. He was calling him Teabag Seatback which upset Teabag. He didn't want to believe he was wrong about it. Howard kept the call short so he could take a break and move on to other stuff. Confederate Fagg will be playing a show down in Columbia, South Carolina on September 13th. Howard told him to come in sometime but Teabag said they need Howard to manage them and get them a gig up north somewhere. That probably won't be happening anytime soon.
Riley Martin Show Clips. 11/01/06. 6:40am
Howard thought he was smelling something that Artie was eating but it turned out he didn't have anything but a couple of wrapped cupcakes. Benjy said that they might be cooking something out in the lobby there.
Gary told Howard that Sal asked that he finish playing the Halloween bit. Howard said he deleted it and said he was getting bored with it.
Howard had some audio from Riley Martin's show from last night. He had one clip of Riley talking about seeing the alien space ships for the first time... and then coughing in the middle of the story. Riley was also burping during the show so Howard played some audio of those burps. Howard said he heard that Riley had a few beers during the show so that's why he was burping. The guys got a few laughs out of Riley's burp because it was right in the middle of a sentence.
Howard played a clip where Riley was asked if the Aliens have the ability to stop asteroids from hitting Earth. Riley didn't skip a beat and told the guy that they did that one time back in 1907 but a little piece of it managed to hit the Earth in Siberia. Riley had a whole explanation for how they blew the thing out of the sky with an anti-matter ray or something like that.
Artie said that they should have someone ask that exact same question in a month or so and see if Riley gives the same answer. Howard seems to think Riley has all of that stuff in his head already so he might just answer the same way.
Howard played another clip where a caller asked about the propulsion devices that the aliens use. Riley went right into an explanation for the devices that the Biahvians use for their whisper craft. He claimed that they burn at over a million degrees Fahrenheit and it allows the craft to go up and down and back and forth. Howard said his explanation was pretty impressive even if it was bullshit.
Howard had another clip where Riley explains why he raised the price of his Symbols. The woman who asked about them said that they used to be $25 but now they're more. Riley claimed that they were that much 10 years ago and said that they have gotten more detailed over the years so he has to put more hours into them. He said that they are collectors items and once he is done with all of them, (144,000) that's it. Artie wondered it the more intricate ones get you a better seat on the mother ship.
Howard played a clip where a caller asked Riley if Jesus could have been an alien. Riley said that it is possible that he was. He had a whole explanation for that. He also told a caller to go buy his audio book which is about twice the cost of his symbols which go for $38.50 each.
Howard played some Riley Martin bits that the guys have put together. He played one song parody, then a prank call that Sal and Richard made using audio clips of Riley's voice. He had Robin laughing pretty hard with that prank call.
Howard played a clip of a caller asking Riley if there are any holidays that the aliens celebrate. Riley went right into a discussion about that and said that they do celebrate certain days on Biahve or whatever the planet is called. Robin said that his stuff is really good. Howard said they have to keep Riley's show on the air just so they can play clips.
Robin said she listened to a marathon of Riley's show one time and it was great and very entertaining from beginning to end. Howard started to replay the prank call he had just played and said he loves that call. He had another prank call they made using his audio clips. He also played another song parody to the tune of the Looney Tunes theme song.
Howard played another prank call where Sal called a Chinese restaurant and had Riley saying his alien quote ''O Qua Tan Zin Wan, Quai unza la ji wan'' as if it were a Chinese saying. The woman on the phone didn't understand what he was saying of course. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
James Doohan, Mr. Scott From Star Trek, Comes In. 11/20/96.
76 year old James Doohan who played Mr. Scott on Star Trek came in to plug his book this morning. Doohan, who doesn't really have a Scottish accent, now has a book called ''Beam Me Up Scotty''. Howard was hoping that James would rag on William Shatner like all the other Star Trek members do. James said a couple of things about Shatner but his wife doesn't like when he does it so he keeps it to a minimum. It turns out that James is a war hero. He fought in World War 2 and was actually shot 8 times by a machine gun! He lost a finger because of that but a sterling silver cigarette case saved his life. James also told Howard that he married his second wife when he was 50 and she was 18! WOW! Got himself a young one! Sounds like he's had an interesting life.
17 Year Old Kenny Nash Visits. 08/16/07. 8:50am
Howard said that this kid contacted them and said he wanted to come in and meet them because he's a big fan. He's a 17 year old high schooler but when he came in, Howard said he looked like a grown man. The guy said that he's 6'4'' tall. He was very nervous so Howard told him he could calm down. He might be meeting the greatest radio guy ever but he shouldn't worry about it.
The kid, Kenny Nash, said he wants to be on the air himself. He's got a countdown show right now so Howard played some of that to hear what he sounds like. Howard told him that he might have an opening there in January 2008 if Bubba leaves.
Howard told Kenny that he sounded pretty good because he wasn't ''Um, and ahhing'' when he's doing his thing. He said he was good for a high school kid. Howard was talking to Kenny when he said ''axed'' instead of ''asked'' so Howard called him out on that. He told him that won't fly on radio. He played a little more of his air check and said he did some nice talk ups. Artie said it sounds like he might want to be on the gay channel with those songs he's talking up.
Howard did his Cousin Brucie impression a little bit and asked Kenny if he had any questions for him. Kenny said he just wanted to meet him. He wasn't looking to do an interview or anything. Howard asked him if he's going to college to study for this. He said he is going to college to study communications. Howard told him that he needs a little more confidence and he should do fine. He's got a bit of a mush mouth right now but that could be fixed.
Howard told Kenny that it's a tough road to do radio. There are a lot of guys not making any money. He told him to just ask Benjy, he hasn't made any money and he's been doing it for years. Howard asked Kenny if he's doing well in school now. Kenny said he's doing okay getting 80's. Artie told him that if he had 70 grades, he could be President.
Howard and Artie asked Kenny if he had any chicks yet. Kenny said that he hasn't had any yet. He said he might go to the prom. The guys were trying to set Robin up with him but she said that the cut off is 25. She's not going to date a 17 year old.
Howard listened to a little more of Kenny's air check and he said that the next talk up wasn't all that good but he is just a high schooler so he has time to work on that. He said that he's got to get over the mumbling and he might just need some ''stank on his hang low'' to give him some confidence. Kenny said he hasn't been able to even kiss a girl yet. He hasn't seen any live naked girls yet.
Howard asked Kenny if he drinks or smokes weed at all. He said he drinks once in a while but doesn't smoke. Howard told him it's going to be a tough road but he's off to a good start. He said that if he ever needs advice, just call him. Howard said that he could give him advice about women too. He advised him not to try and hold out too long with chicks, it's all about your own pleasure.
Artie liked his name too. He said that Kenny Nash rolls right off your tongue. Kenny said that's what he was told too. Howard did his goofy DJ voice for Kenny and told him he needs to talk like that instead of mumbling. Howard let him go a short time later. Gary came in to take him out so he could give him a tour of the rest of the studio.
Howard said he was going to tell Kenny to call himself Kenny Kenny and just say everything twice. Robin said that maybe he should give himself some initials or something like that. The guys had some fun goofing around with the Kenny Kenny stuff and repeating everything twice. Howard said he could call himself Kenny Echo and have a lot of echo on his voice. He demonstrated what that might sound like. Howard said he really does need a gimmick. They could have him giving the weather in Celsius instead of Fahrenheit. Kenny Celsius would be his name. They came up with some other names like Kenny Irritable Bowel Syndrome as well. They goofed around with that for a few minutes and then went to break.
Howard's New Limo... Or Is It A Boat? 10/08/04. 6:50am
There were other e-mails about Ronnie the Limo Driver not having his new limo ready for Howard yesterday. Howard said that Ronnie got his new limo but it's a stretch truck. He told Ronnie that he trusts his taste but he was wrong. It's a big, black truck that's about half a city block long. He said the seats are so far apart that he can't even put his feet across to put them up. Howard said he now wants him to sell that one and get something smaller. Howard said it's a ''stupid car'' and he doesn't want to be driven around in it. Ronnie came in freaking out that he can never make Howard happy. Howard said that the back seat is uncomfortable but the car has everything but a Jacuzzi in it.
Howard complained about the last car Ronnie had because there was a light in there that people kept hitting their heads on. Ronnie said the whole reason they sold that car was because Beth hit her head on that light. Howard sent Robin down to look at his new limo so she could see what he was talking about. Artie wanted to go along and check it out as well. Howard asked if they could paint his name on the side of the giant limo. Artie said they could call him ''H-Diddy'' or something like that. Howard joked that he ran into P. Diddy and even he said that the new car was a bit ostentatious. Artie said that the car is probably bigger than Jeff the Drunk's new trailer park house. Howard was making some big ship horn sounds as he was talking about how big the friggin thing is.
Howard's kids hate being in a limo to begin with and now they're never going to be seen with him again. Ronnie told Howard that he sucks because he asked him about the car a bunch of times but he never went down to check them out himself. Howard told Ronnie that he wants him to sell this car and he'll make up the difference between that one and the new one. Artie and Howard continued to goof on the new limo for a few minutes. They played the ''Lean Back'' song and told Ronnie to go blast it from the new limo. Ronnie claims that he talked to Howard about this and Howard agreed to the new truck because it was actually a little smaller than the old car. Howard was serious about selling the new limo and getting another, normal limo. Howard told him to just paint ''BET'' on the side and sell it to them. Artie and Howard were relentless as they goofed on Ronnie. Artie told Ronnie that Howard wanted to do a drive-by on his way home in the new limo.
E! sent a camera down to the garage to get video of the new limo so Robin wouldn't have to go down there. Artie and Robin were laughing as they saw the size of the limo. Robin thought there was something behind the car because it was so long. Artie said that Springsteen is playing smaller venues. Howard called it the ''S.S. Mund.'' Gary said that it's like what kids rent when they go to the prom. Ronnie said that it gets about 12 miles per gallon so Robin told him that if gas prices go any higher, that car is going to get rolled. Ronnie said they're really going to have to sell it now because everyone is going to see it on TV and know who it is. Artie told him there are plenty of them driving around the city, they'll never be noticed. Robin said the car just blends right in and no one will notice it. She said it'll be like having a spotlight on him wherever he goes. Howard had to take another break after that bit of fun.
More Limo Talk. 10/08/04. 7:30am
After the break Howard played Sal the Stockbroker's prank call to his wife where he asked her about participating in The Wheel of Sex and she told him she didn't want him to do it. Howard always asks ''Anyone getting married?'' after playing it because they sound like a very happy couple as they're arguing.
Howard got in a plug for tonight's E! show featuring Donald Trump. That led to Robin talking about Howard's new limo again. She and Artie went down to see it during the break. They said it was nice but no one is going to be able to stop looking at it. A phone caller told Howard that they can use it for Howard's new broadcast studio when he makes the move to satellite. Howard told Ronnie that he wants to stay low key so Ronnie told him to not have a limo at all if that's the case. He argued that it's not a party limo like Howard seems to think it is. Artie said it's perfect if you're constantly pulling up your pants and doing the rockaway (referring to the Lean Back song).
Wacko Wednesday! 6/26/96.
This woman called in this morning claiming that Kelly LeBrock, who was on E! last night, is not the real Kelly Lebrock! She was saying something about Kelly being an imposter hired by the CIA to work with, ex-husband, Steven Seagal. So this nut on the phone was talking about how she's actually Steven Seagal's wife. When Howard asked her if she had ever been institutionalized she said ''no comment''. She went on and on about this crap and almost had everyone convinced that she was telling the truth...yeah right. After that call there was another woman who called in. This one said that after being in a car accident, in which she was struck in the head by the air bag, she now has psychic abilities. She was talking about some of her predictions but none of them were accurate. In one murder case she helped the police out by giving a name of the killer. The only problem was that it wasn't the right murder! He had committed a murder but not the one that this woman predicted. Howard asked her if she could predict how his movie would do when it comes out. She said that he wouldn't be doing a movie...hmmm. She doesn't sound like a psychic to me! She also said that her young son holds up a cross to her face to ward off any evil that may be in her. Does Howard attract some weird ones or what?
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:50am.