|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about how tonight is Fred's big night with his show about audio drops. Howard said the show is called ''The Power of Drops.'' He sang to him and said the song was from the movie ''Twins.'' No one seemed to know the song. The show is on at 7 tonight on Howard 101.
Howard said he played phone tag with Robin yesterday. He said that he tried to get her on the line but he ended up leaving her messages instead. He said he left them at both of her places. Howard said he remembers the days when she didn't have security.
Howard had an audio clip of Larry King on a TV show and possibly farting. Howard played the clip and it sounded like he let one rip. Howard said JD speculates that he did fart. Howard replayed it and had it enhanced a bit. Howard said he would bet it is him passing wind. Robin said it sounded like it was a bit close to the microphone. Howard said they boosted the second one. Howard said he thinks he might be shitting his pants full on.
Howard said he watched Larry on Craig Ferguson. He said Craig just goofs on him the whole time. He said Craig doesn't really interview anyone. He said he just talks over everyone.
Howard said he saw Larry on a PBS show while he was in Florida. He said he comes out in jeans and suspenders and it's all off. He said the jeans are pulled up to his tits and it's just fucking crazy. Robin said he needs someone to get him a pair of jeans. Howard said he needs a John Varvatos makeover.
Howard said the pope thing is a throw back to a simpler time. Howard said this conclave thing has been around for thousands of years but it's time for a change. Robin said thousands of years ago things were terrible. She asked why they would want to keep it the same.
Howard said it's like the Amish not driving cars. He said they must want to drive. He said it's time to join the shave club too.
Howard said it's so cold there in New York. He said it's 81 down in Florida. He said he ran yesterday and it was so cold he stopped after 2 miles. He said he walked another 2 miles to his cousin's apartment. He said when went to see it and he was freezing his balls off. He said it's bitterly cold and he's not sure we should be living like this. Robin asked what's wrong with us. Howard asked what's wrong with Robin. Robin said she asked where they could do a winter location to do a show. Howard said he's not sure they could do that with people like Fred having a kid. Howard said Gary has his son still at home too. Howard said Tess doesn't seem to age. Fred said she's 10 now. Howard said he thinks that she'd like Florida. Fred said she would if they can move her friends down there. Howard said they might move down closer to Bubba so they can hook Fred's daughter up with Bubba's son.
Howard said he worked at WWWW and that was hard to get out. He said Casey is angry at everything though. He said he should try going out and digging a ditch sometime. Howard said he should just get over it.
Howard said he should just read his lines and keep going. Casey was getting upset about the lines he had to read about the station being the most listened to. Then he was upset about doing a promo in one of the reads. Howard said he has that dumb countdown show so that's what he has to do. Howard said he should be Cranky Kasem.
Howard said he has had his moments too. He played a clip where he got upset about some commercials he was reading for other stations. Howard said they could say it differently and told the guys what they could have said. He was saying that they just don't know.
Howard said he feels justified. He said they were giving him stuff that didn't make sense. Casey was freaking out over call letters. He said they were putting words in his mouth but Casey didn't have words being put in his mouth. Robin said she doesn't know about that. Howard said he should just shut up and read.
Howard played more of Casey freaking out and cursing over the lines he had to read. Howard said he's really angry. He said he's like Ronnie the Limo Driver. Casey was complaining about having to do the read over again. He read a line that didn't make any sense to him and asked what that was. He had to read it over again.
Howard said all Casey has to do is read. He said he doesn't have to think of anything. Robin said he's not doing it live either. She said he can read it and record it.
Howard said they were busy with the whole Pope thing. He said they asked people what the pope does. Howard played some clips of people answering. One woman said she doesn't know what he does. She said she wants to know ''what he do.'' Howard said she was great.
Howard said Psych wrote a new song about Robin. It was called ''Shit Away Robin'' to the tune of ''Drift Away.'' Howard said that's a man talking in that song.
Howard said that maniac who shot up the kids in Newtown is on the cover of the paper today. Howard said he evidently had a spreadsheet figuring out how many people he could kill. He said he had it all on a spreadsheet so the newspaper was pointing out how crazy he really was. Howard said they should kill that kid. Robin said he's dead already. Howard said it was the movie theater guy then. He said that kid had red hair. Howard said the kid in Newtown is dead but the red hair kid is back to normal hair color and the red hair looked more normal. He said that was a better look for him.
Howard said he hates that the new pope isn't black. He wanted a black pope so bad. Howard said they were at the Irish parade yesterday asking people if they were upset about that. Howard said they were all saying they were happy. Howard said he thinks that these kids would have left the church if the pope was black.
Howard played some audio of someone down at the parade asking people about the pope and people responding saying that they're glad he's not black but they would have liked it if he was from New York.
Howard said he was out on the street Saturday and they had the parade on Saturday. He said they usually have it on Sunday. He said there are kids out there who look like they're 12 and they're wasted. Howard said he must be getting old but the kids look like they're 10. He said they were wasted out of their brain. Robin said they come out of the subway wasted. He said it's scary. Howard said the kids sound out of their minds.
Howard played more audio of people being asked, by Tracey Millman, how much they're going to drink. Howard said she was thrilled to be out there. Howard played more of her asking what nationality they wouldn't want to be. One guy was saying Jewish. Tracey asked about Mayor Bloomberg and what he's been doing lately. They were yelling about him.
Howard asked if Robin saw a picture of Sarah Palin holding up a Big Gulp. Robin said she did. Howard said he hates her. He said that she's catering to an idiot group. He said that one guy called the tea party people ''chuckle heads.'' Howard said Palin quit as governor. He said she couldn't match up to Mayor Bloomberg in a minute. He said that she didn't hang in there with her job. He said what Mayor Bloomberg has done for the city would make her head spin. He said she's an ignoramus. Howard said he would love for her to come to New York and talk to him.
Howard said that the Big Gulp was never in danger in New York anyway. He said she's such a tard. Howard said what killed him is that she barely drank the Big Gulp. He said the dummies at the Tea Party drink it but she doesn't. Howard said ''Shut up you bitch.'' He said he was going to use the C-word but he changed his mind. He said he should have though. Howard said mayor Bloomberg is doing a great job and this Palin should go back to Alaska.
Howard played more of Tracey talking to people at the Irish parade. She asked about going to other parades and asking if they would have sex with a woman who was visibly intoxicated. They were all saying they would. Howard wondered who would want to be out there at these parades. Howard said he would never go. He said he'd rather be at home.
Howard said he hates a parade. He said it's like your neighbors walking around in the parade. He said half were in it and the other half watched. Howard said it's like watching them take a walk. Howard said some of them play instruments. He said none of them are that good though. Howard said when he sees parades in Russia they show off tanks and missile launchers. He said the parades he sees are horrible.
Howard played more of the interviews where they were asking about next year's parade being sober. The people on the street didn't like that idea.
Howard played another clip of a woman answering Tracey's question and rambling on and on about what nationality she wouldn't want to be. She was talking about what she would want to be though. Howard said she's like one of those characters they do on Saturday Night Live who you don't want to get stuck with at a party.
Howard played more of the people on the street talking about the kind of animal they'd want to be stuck with on an island. One guy said it would be a female chimp.
Howard said he was thinking about his pubes and how long and busy they were. He said he had to trim down there. He said it was getting so bad that he had to do something. Howard said there are different attachments for the trimmer and nothing came off. He said the attachment was too long. He said he took it down a couple of notches and now he's bald down there. He said half is bald and half was bush. He said he felt like such a girl. Howard said he just trimmed but it was so bad. He said there are hairs on his shaft and he can't get to those. He said it looks like what comes out of a mole.
Howard said he started to shave his chest a little bit too. He said half his belly has hair and half doesn't Howard said he won't be taking his shirt off anyway so he's not worried about it. Robin said Beth might think something happened to him. Howard said he's praying that when he gets back from San Antonio that his hairs will have grown back in. He said that way Beth won't think about it.
Howard played more interviews that Tracey did out on the street. She asked about why the pope isn't ever Irish. The guy said that if he was he might get the drinking age lowered.
Howard had a clip of someone on the staff asking a guy what he had to say to the people of Syria. The guy was more worried about the drinking age in this country. Howard said you know that guy is going to contribute to this society if that's the most important thing.
Howard said he was reading about this 19 year old kid who invented a glue thing for people who have surgery. He said that's contributing.
Robin said she thinks that they were working on some kind of medical thing where they would run a machine over you and fix everything. Howard said he thinks that's a long way off. He said they probably won't see that in their lifetime. Howard said he had to take a break after that. Robin said that Howard should be trying to have a genius and have a kid. Robin said there were probably babies conceived out there at the parade. Howard said he really has to take a break. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he has Evan Metropoulos on the phone. He said Evan's family owned the Bumble Bee company and they just bought the Twinkie company. Howard got Evan on the phone and asked how old he is now. Evan said he's 32. He was on the show for the first time when he was 16.
Howard asked Evan if his father started the Bumble Bee company. Evan said he didn't and all of the companies they own are older companies. He said they all have a great storied past. He said they've been neglected over the years so that's when they get them.
Howard asked what company his father had first. Evan said they were in the feta cheese and olive business. He said that he was able to get in there with the Bumble Bee thing and being on the Stern Show helped with the successes he had.
Howard asked if his old man is still in the business. Evan said he is but he and his brother have been running the business with him for years. He said they run Pabst Blue Ribbon and they've gotten the value of the company up over the past few years.
Howard said they took Evan seriously when he was 16 years old. Howard said he tells people he's like Kim Jong Un in that way. Evan said that there is no room for a lot of nepotism in the business so he has to work his ass off for all of this.
Howard said Evan used to fly famous people around on his private jet. He said he was friends with Chelsea Clinton and people like that. Evan said he just went to her wedding a few years ago. He said he has been doing this for a long time.
Robin asked if he still parties. Evan said he feels old now. Howard said he does too. Howard asked if he's dating anyone. Evan said he's been seeing a woman for a past few years. Howard asked if she's a model. Evan said she is. Howard asked if he kept the weight on. Evan said he took some of it off. He said he's 239 and 5'9'' tall. He said he's banging a super model though. Howard said he loves this kid.
Evan said when he was on the show at 16 it contributed a lot to his life. Howard asked if he ever got to bang any celebrities. Evan said he was fortunate enough to hang out with some very good looking women and some of them were very well known. Howard said he was ''the guy'' back then. Howard asked if he had sex with any. Evan said he would say that he was fortunate enough to enjoy himself back in the day. Howard said he just wants a yes or no. Evan jokingly said yes, he's been with Kate Winslett. Howard said that was a joke.
Howard asked if this chick is going to get to marry into the family. Evan said he hopes to marry into her family. He said she lives a much simpler life. He said he caught more than a tuna over in Hawaii.
Howard said Evan's family bought Twinkies. Howard asked if they're thinking about coming out with a diet Twinkie. Evan said he doesn't think they would ever ruin the Twinkie like that. He said they might come out with a smaller portion. He said he thinks that they're only about 150-160 calories each. Howard said Twinkies always had a big demand but the company got behind. Howard said he was saying that it was the unions but it was also management that was doing a bad job. He said he stands corrected.
Howard said what they have to do is just make the Twinkie profitable again. Evan said he thinks that the management team did a good job. Robin said they must still be around. Evan said he thinks that they can get some good results out of the management team with the right leadership. He said that people love the brand. He said they have to reconnect with the American public.
Howard asked if they're working with Leon Black on this. Evan said they are. He said that they are very lucky to have a relationship with Leon and his company.
Howard asked what they had to pay for the company. Evan said it was $410 million. Evan said they're not done with the whole thing yet so they're not sure exactly how many of the brands they're going to have. He said they have to meet with the judge soon over that.
Evan said they know people want the brand back on the market so they're working to make that happen by this summer. Howard said they should take out ads in High Times magazine. Evan said he thinks that's a good place to place the ads.
Howard said High Pitch Eric wanted him to thank him for bringing back the Twinkie. Howard said Eric the Actor loves them too. Howard had Eric on the phone so he picked up on him. Howard asked if he loves Twinkies. Eric said he loves Zingers. Robin asked what those are. Evan said they're like a Twinkie on steroids. He said they have glaze and chunks of coconut on them. He said it's a glamorous version of the Twinkie. Eric said he loves the one that has yellow frosting on it. Howard said he should hire Eric to be a spokesperson for the Twinkie and Zinger. Evan said he'll run that by the attorney today.
Howard asked Evan where he lives. Evan said he's in Los Angeles and New York but he's looking for a home in Florida because the taxes are so bad in New York and California.
Howard asked Evan how things work with him at the job. Evan said he used to do it for fun. He said he has made his own money and now it's a family thing. He said they split it pretty much evenly between the three of them. He said it's his father, his brother and him.
Howard asked Evan if he could quit working and become a full time playboy. Evan said if he did he'd sit home watching TV and eating. Evan said he doesn't have to work. He said he could be doing a lot of things that would be considered retirement but they do work. Howard said he knows his dad is worth billions. Howard said it makes sense for Evan to move to Florida. He said he has no state tax there. Howard said if he's worth $100 million he could survive on that. Howard said he could save a million on taxes down there. Evan said he won't be moving to Florida for just a million. He said it's worth way more than that.
Howard asked Evan what he's worth. Evan said their father gave them a lot of the finances early on. He said he has trained them to work and be proud. He said they've been able to embrace that. He said they're only splitting the money between 3 people. He said the money is there for his brother and him. Howard said that's a great fucking deal. He said it sounds like his old man gave him like $200 million. Robin said it must be more than that. Howard said he's going to save a lot in state taxes living in Florida. He said that's some party.
Howard said he was one of the people who never took advantage of this kid. He said he could have. Evan thanked him for that and said that he was more of an inspiration and a mentor to him.
Howard said this all sounds pretty good to him. Howard asked what his girlfriend's name is. Evan said her name is Kavena Chun. The guys looked her up and showed Howard some pictures. Howard said she's really hot.
Howard said that Evan is now part of the dynasty that owns Twinkies. Howard said it was good talking to him. He said he really likes this kid. Robin said she was just asking where he had been a couple of weeks ago. Evan said he's looking forward to being a sponsor of the show soon. Howard thanked him for calling in and let him go a short time later.
Howard said he thinks that they sold the Bumble Bee tuna company. He read some details about that. Howard said they did sell it years ago for $2.9 billion. Howard said his brother bought the mansion next to the Playboy mansion. Robin asked who would want that. Howard said they do party so that's why they'd want that.
Howard said they have a kid who stutters on the show now. Robin said she saw that one of the contestants stutters until he starts singing. Howard said he hopes they don't get anyone like that on AGT. He said the stuttering thing makes him laugh. Howard said this kid sounds pretty good. Howard played a clip of him stuttering. Howard said he heard that Jay Leno is going to hire him to be on the show.
Howard asked about another clip JD had. JD said that Richie Wilson found the clip and it's from a few years ago. He said he doesn't know what the show is or what the was doing on the show but the kid is a deaf transvestite. Howard played the clip and the kid sounded like he was howling like a dog in it.
Howard said he would have to tell the kid he has no talent. Howard said he'd get so much hate mail. Robin said Howie would let him go through. Howard wondered why they would let this guy on the show. JD said he doesn't know. The show was in Japanese and he didn't understand the language. Howard said the guy looks like a woman to him. JD said he knows that it's a dude. He said he has seen other clips of him/her. Howard said he should have sang Werewolves of London. He said that would have worked with the howling. Fred played some howling audio clips to go along with that.
Howard played another clip of this howling singer guy being interviewed. Howard said it sounds like he's deaf. JD said he heard what the lady said. He said he's not sure about that but it sounds like it. Howard had another clip of the singer singing a Lady Gaga song. Howard said that sounds pretty good to him. Howard asked who put that together. JD said he's not sure. Robin asked if they kept this person on the show. JD said he doesn't know. He said he didn't know anything about the show.
Howard played Wendy the Retard talking about a black pope and what that would mean to her. Then they had Debbie the Pet Lady talking about it and yelling about how she doesn't care. She said that they'll never forget the fucking past. She was screaming about that before hanging up.
Howard said the Wack Pack is great. Robin said they're amazing. Howard played Big Foot talking about the Pope and how people shouldn't get in trouble for shitting in the woods. He said he should be able to shit where he wants, when he wants.
Howard played Beetlejuice talking about a black pope and how it doesn't matter what color the guy is. Howard said he was making the most sense out of all of them.
Howard had Eric the Actor back on the phone. Eric said he called in to say that on May 8th he'll be in New York for a charity event. He said it's called BeyondTheBallet.org. He said it's to raise money for kids around the world. Howard wondered what the angle is there. He said Eric never leaves where he is because it's such a big deal. Howard asked who is paying to fly him out there. Robin said it must be the charity.
Howard asked Eric to come down to the Homosexual Room with him. Eric said no way. He said that he thinks it's disrespectful. Howard had Fred open the door to the room and Eric hung up as soon as he heard it. Howard said he almost had him in there.
Howard said that they used to blame Bryant Gumble for bringing the ratings down on his show years ago. He said he hung in there and it went away. Howard said they don't have anyone else to pick on other than Matt. Howard said they risk getting into a CBS station if they don't do anything about it.
Howard said that Stevie Nicks and Dave Stewart did an album together. He said he was watching a documentary about that. Howard said he heard one song that sounded pretty good to him. He asked Fred if he could find it. Fred tried searching for it but he wasn't able to find it.
Howard said he has the new Bowie album but he doesn't want to listen to it. Robin said she has to hear some clips. Howard said maybe he'll play some.
Howard said Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are trying to work things out. Howard said they must have realized no one else wanted either of them. Howard said he hopes things work out. Robin said she saw them on a train once and they appeared to be very happy. Howard said they do say that divorce is always hardest on the little ones. Howard said he saw a picture of them and they do have kids who are taller than them. Howard said that's good that they were able to overcome all of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw that Dominic Barbara got arrested for shoplifting a purse. Howard said he saw that. Howard said Dominic is saying that it was all a mistake. Robin said that everything is a mistake with him. Howard asked what Dominic is claiming happened. Benjy said that he isn't denying that he walked out with it but he may think he paid for it or it was some kind of accident. Howard said that was at this Hirshleifer's. Howard said that's a really nice store. Howard asked how you walk out with something accidentally. Benjy said that's happened to him. He said he just walked out and didn't realize it.
Gary asked Benjy if he walked out with a Twinkie or a piece of luggage. He said there's a big difference. Benjy said it was probably something like a Twinkie.
Howard asked what's going on with Dominic. Robin said she thinks he's out of his mind. She said that's her professional opinion. Howard said today would be a good day for him to call in. Howard said he's sure they'll hear the story eventually.
The caller asked Howard about Lisa G having a 30-D. Howard said he didn't airbrush her tits on her book cover. He said that's how they were. He said she came downstairs to his studio with a bustiere on and her titties were huge. Howard said he thinks that's just how she dresses them. He said he shot them and they weren't airbrushed. The caller said that she was on Fine Time and Rachel was asking her to show them because she didn't see it either. Howard said he can't explain it.
Robin said she's reading the story about Dominic and they found an Ambien pill in his pocket so maybe he was sleep walking. Fred played some Gilbert Gottfried laughing clips as they talked about that.
JD came in and told Howard where the clips were. Howard said you have to hear this clip. He played a clip from Gary and Jon's show where they talked to this guy about his vinyl record collection. Howard kept interrupting the clip and goofing on the whole idea of vinyl. Howard said he shouldn't interrupt so he restarted it. The guy was talking about how horrible CDs were when they first came out. He was going on and on about how upset he was and how he had a bumper sticker made up that said Compact Disc's sound terrible. Howard asked who cares that much.
Howard let the clip play and Gary was talking to the guy about him coming out against CDs and if he was alone with that. Jon and Gary were talking to him about the difference between CD and vinyl. Howard goofed on the guy and Gary was trying to defend him but Howard kept interrupting his answers.
Howard played more of the clip and the vinyl guy wanted to compare two versions of a Thompson Twins song. Howard wondered why anyone would do that. Gary said that this was really embarrassing. They were listening to the song and on camera at the time. Howard said he would have just left. He said he thought these guys would have sobered up. Gary said they actually enjoy doing this. Howard said he's wasting time with this show. Howard said they get all excited when they play a record because of that sound you get when you first put the needle down.
Howard played more of the clip and the guy puts the record on. Jon said he loves that sound when he put the needle down. Howard told him to shut up. Howard said records are such a pain to deal with.
Howard asked Gary if that song really brought back memories. Gary said it did. He said that he worked at a record store and the song was a big selling song. Howard said he remembers not caring about it in the 1980s. Howard said he never even heard that song.
Howard played more of the clip and Jon was talking about how he was hearing stuff in the vinyl version that he had never heard before. Howard said he's lying now. Gary said he heard more too. Howard said they're just making this up.
Howard said they were just lying about it sounding different. Gary said they were not lying. Howard kept goofing on the guys about what they were saying. Howard asked if the guy thinks that they should go back to records. Gary said he just likes the record better.
Howard asked if he should churn his own butter too. Gary said he might like the home butter better but he may not want to go through the trouble.
Howard said he's shocked at Jon. He said he thought he was more normal than this. Robin asked him if he has vinyl at home. Jon said he does. He said he did hear stuff during the vinyl song than when he heard the CD. He said you hear more instruments in the vinyl version. Gary said they were just pointing out there were more things in that.
Gary said they got the highest ratings on VH1 Classic the second week they were on. Howard said he wants to do a show where he and Robin visit people who sew their own clothing instead of buying store clothes. Gary asked if he could say something. Howard kept interrupting and goofing on the whole idea of this show. Robin was in on it too.
Gary said that they do a show about collectors. It's not about vinyl. He said there just happened to be two shows about vinyl collections. Gary said they saw a guy who had a collection of celebrity hair. Howard said they should do a show where they go look at people who collect microphones. Howard said he might just do his show door to door because it would sound better. Robin said maybe a show about people who collect speakers. Howard told her to call VH1 Classic to ask if they can do that. Howard said he might interview people who pump their own water.
Gary asked Howard why he still writes on paper instead of on a tablet. Howard said it's quicker sometimes. Howard said Gary is so dumb. He said he can't get to his computer sometimes so he uses paper. He said Gary isn't making sense. He said paper is still relevant, records aren't. Gary said they are to some people. Howard said he's not making sense. Howard said goodbye and kicked Gary and Jon out of the studio. Howard said they work on a relevant show, this one, so forget about that other show. Howard said they should lock all three of those guys up.
Howard said the guys went out on the street and asked people what they think about the vinyl thing. One guy was saying that they can go eat a dick and die. Another guy said they were weird for liking vinyl. They were showing pictures of Jon and Gary to the people they were interviewing and the people were goofing on them about their looks.
Howard played another interview where they asked if they looked like they should be on TV. The guy was saying that one of the guys looks like he was beat up by Mike Tyson. That was Gary he was talking about.
Howard said they went out on the street and asked women if they would rather date Howard Stern or Kim Jong Un. Howard said he lost in that one. Howard played some of those interviews and the women were picking Kim Jong Un. They were saying Howard is too old. One dude picked Howard though. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and went right to the phones. Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been looking forward to this special that's on tonight. He said he wishes that they'd have more show related stuff on the channels. He said he was bummed when Back Office Radio wasn't on last week. Howard said that was his doing. He said he won't say it's canceled but they have too many guys working on too many shows. Howard said the show is on hiatus right now. He said it takes a lot of work to put shows on the air and they needed more time for this show. The caller asked about Superfan Roundtable getting another hour. Howard said that's up to Tim. He said if he decided to go another hour he's fine with that.
The caller said he loved Back Office Radio. Howard said they don't always have the time to get it on every week. He said they have real work to do around there so he told them that they had to clear up the schedule for a while. Howard said he asked them not to do the show last week. Howard said the show will be back. The caller said they were attached to the show in the Stern Facebook Superfans group. Howard said they are good. He said they'll get them back but they have stuff to do right now.
Howard said everyone there wants a radio show but then he doesn't have them there working for him. He said Tim has a bunch of guys working to produce shows. He said he'd hire more people but they need budget to fix doors around there. He said he gets billed like 3 grand to fix doors around there.
Howard said that was all coming about when Mel was after him. He said this new guy, Jim, might not be like that. Howard said hopefully it'll be like that. He said he needs budget for the shows they put on there. Howard said it's one big headache. He said he may eliminate the channels and just do his show. Howard said that's the conclusion he's coming to. He said he could just do his radio show and that's it. Howard said he doesn't want to be cock blocked every step of the way. He said he didn't get into it for that. Howard said he just wants to entertain his audience. He said he's just going to go do his own show and forget about the management thing.
Howard said last night he was hearing about how they need a door fixed and they needed to budget 3 grand to fix it. Howard said it's a union thing and he didn't know he'd have to do repairs around there. Howard started moaning and asked what has it all come to.
Howard said these pilots will talk about how reliable the old engines are and he doesn't want to hear that. He said the engine is 32 years old and his old cars used to conk out on him. Robin said she enjoys flying. Howard said Robin is the most together person. Robin said it's the way you program your mind. Robin said she's going to have a good time up there and do some things that she doesn't normally get to do. She said it's great.
Howard said he's flying to San Antonio after the show tomorrow. He said they asked him to do a photo shoot right after getting off the plane. He said he's not ready for that after doing the show and then flying. Howard said Howie doesn't understand it. He said he's up all the time. Howard said he doesn't know what to tell them about that. Howard said he wants to go to the hotel and get set up. He said he's up at the crack of dawn anyway so they could do it first thing Wednesday morning. He said they wanted him to do it on Friday and stick around to do it. Howard said he wants to do it first thing Wednesday. He said he sits around all day waiting for them to get ready for the show. Howard said they're going to do that. He said they're good that way. He said they don't charge him to fix doors either.
Howard said he likes the way the show runs. He said they do everything for him. He said he just has to walk in. Howard said the radio show is like a whole conglomerate. Howard said he has to look into fixing doors. Howard said he's not a CEO and doesn't want to deal with that. Howard said AGT doesn't bill him for building a stage. He said maybe they should.
Howard said this all started happening in the middle of his deal there. Howard said he always ends up being the douche. He said he has to get out in 3 years. He said it's been one struggle after the other. He said he needs rest. Howard said if he was a company he would make this stress free. He said that he'd just listen to him and make it easy so he will stick around. Howard said they think everyone is fine.
Howard said here's a premise. What if Rihanna had laryngitis? He played a clip of her being interviewed and they edited in clips of Chyna the wrestler laughing and coughing on the show. Howard said maybe it should have been Bronchitis instead. Howard played a song parody where they had Rihanna singing about Chris Brown kicking her in the hymen.
Howard said he has a clip of a Croatian TV host fainting on a show. He played the clip and she starts slowing down her speech and then passes out and falls. Howard said the visual is great. He said you can look that up on the web.
Howard asked what happened to that guy Lil Wayne. Howard said he doesn't know much about him but he passed out and now he's in the hospital in critical condition or something. Robin said he passed out and had a seizure and then they found him passed out at home after he was released. Robin said they say he's at home recovering now. Howard said he read he was being visited by Bird Man so he thought it was like super heroes.
Howard said he's still all over that Dennis Rodman phone call they did last week. Robin said she saw a senator talking about King Jong Un and how they couldn't figure out his mental state. That all came about after Dennis Rodman was over there. Howard said that little guy is going to get himself killed if he threatens us. Robin said they're talking about tightening up security on the west coast now. Howard said Rodman is getting a lot of publicity over that whole thing. Robin said he's going to get North Korea blown off the map if he keeps that up.
Howard said he doesn't think that North Korea could get a missile to California. Robin said that if we're lucky it would blow up in the silo before taking off. Howard said he heard Gary Busey is going to North Korea next.
Howard said he doesn't like it. It's getting really scary with the nuclear weapons. He said we night be kind of crazy too. Robin said you have to be crazy to just create the weapon to begin with.
Howard said he heard that guy Sanjaya is performing in the subway now. Robin said that's our fault for making him think he had talent. Robin said he thinks that he has some talent now. Robin said if he had been booted off earlier he would be out there working a real job. Howard said he's looking forward to Kelly Pickler opening up a massage parlor.
Howard said he was reading this story in a rag magazine so he's not sure if it's true. Robin said she read it on the web too so it might be.
Howard said he talked about Sarah Palin already. He said he wont go over that again. He said he was reading about this senator whose son came out for gay marriage when he found out that his son was gay. Howard said these people come out for stuff when it's good for them and them only. Robin said they should be able to see when it affects other people and not just them. Howard said that's why we need these guy's daughters to get pregnant with babies they don't want so they will leave the abortion thing alone.
Howard said Gary dyed his teeth green for St. Patrick's Day but no one noticed.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said that it's about time he picked up. Howard asked if he was in a rush to get to work. Jeff said he was on hold all last week. Jeff said he's sick with pneumonia. Howard said that makes sense. He said he eats horribly and smokes. Jeff said he hasn't smoked since January 1st. Robin said he smokes pot. Jeff said yeah, well he can't deny that. Howard said he has no immune system to fight off pneumonia. Robin asked how he knew he was sick.
Howard said he must love being in the hospital. He said it's free for him and he's catered to and fed. Howard said it's not even that different to his real life. He said now he's in a bed and people are catering to him. He said he must love it. He said it's like his trailer but with staff. Jeff said ''yeah, right.'' Howard said what's cool about it is that it's clean sheets and a change of environment. He even gets bathed by the staff. Jeff said that's true. Howard said he must be a pain in the ass. Howard said they've had him on the show and just having him there for a half hour is a pain in the ass. Howard asked if he can ring the nurse now and have her wash his balls. Jeff said he can't do that. Howard said maybe he can get his foot rubbed. Jeff laughed. Robin said they won't rub his feet.
Howard said he has to go. He said he gets angry the more he talks to Jeff. He said he's on a vacation from the permanent vacation he's on. Howard wondered how he doesn't want to do some sort of work. Howard said we have people in this country who are completely on the dole. Robin asked what he would prefer. She said he could just be out on the street. Howard said he doesn't know what to do with him.
Howard said he's still wondering about Dominic taking that handbag. Robin said it was an expensive one so he has good taste.
Howard said Lena Dunham is going to be in Playboy magazine. He said he thinks she's going to do the spread with her clothes on. He said we've seen her naked on the show. Howard said she should be dressed for the layout.
Howard said he read about a woman who tried to kill herself. He said she tied her baby to herself with one of those Bjorn things. Howard said they named that thing after that singer Bjorn. Howard said he wants to hear some of her music... on vinyl. Fred found one of Bjork's songs, Hyper-Ballad, and Howard said someone must be buying her music. He said he doesn't get it but someone must. Howard said she must be winging it. Fred said it was a top 10 song in the UK. Howard said they're strange over there. Howard said he can't imagine being that there in the U.S.
Howard said this woman jumped to her death but the kid lived. Howard said she jumped 8 stories. Howard said she wrote a 13 page suicide note. He said he's not sure why she would make it so long. Howard said she must have thought she was really loved. Howard said the kid lived so he was glad to read that. He said he's not sure what the kid's life is going to be like though.
Robin said she read about a woman who died and her kids were in the house with the dead body for days. Robin said the kids weren't found until the landlord came to get the rent.
Howard said he read that Julianne Hough and Ryan Seacrest broke up. He said that she just lost a great cue card reader. Howard said that it's odd that guys like Ryan Seacrest, Tom Cruise and Richard Simmons can't find the right woman. Robin said she would take Tom Cruise. She said she'd even become a scientologist for him.
Howard said Julianne Hough is so hot. He said maybe Ryan is just playing it the right way and not getting stuck with her. Howard said Ryan is like Casey Kasem with his reading of the countdown. Robin said he just reads in a way that's supposed to be great.
Howard said the Iranians are another country that's just steps away from having us do something to them. Howard said they're saying that Ben Affleck should be hanged for war crimes based on his movie ''Argo.'' Howard said he thought that they were talking about Gigli, not Argo. Howard said he should be hanged for Gigli. Howard said he thought Argo was okay but not great.
Howard spent a minute talking about the movie Life of Pi and how good he thought it looked. Howard said he thought it would look good in 3D but he later found out it was in 3D.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they played a different version of the Thompson Twins song on Jon and Gary's show. He said that it wasn't the same version on the CD and the vinyl. Fred said the guy is right about that. Howard said they're just liars on that show then.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he appreciates that Gerard Butler interview last week. He said he ended up going to a free preview of his movie and it was great. Howard said Gerard is a cool guy. He said he got a lot of email about the interview. Howard asked the caller about being a marine. The guy said he didn't see any action. He said he sits behind a desk. The guy said we all kill people in different ways. The guy said he just pushes buttons. Howard asked if he flies the drones. The guy said they talk to those guys but they don't fly them. Howard said he would like to be in the military if he didn't have to see any action. The caller said he has been to Iraq and Afghanistan. Howard said it takes balls just to go over there. The caller said they do get mortars shot at them. Howard asked if they're going to fuck with Kim Jong Un. The caller said he doesn't know about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard how bad things were in Florida when hurricane Sandy was heading up north. He said there was a lot of flooding and they lost parts of A1A down there above Ft. Lauderdale. He told Howard that it's going to get worse inland too. Howard asked how it is in Tampa. The caller said that things can get bad there too. He said there's also a lot of wildlife down there that's causing issues. Howard said there's that sinkhole thing too. The caller said that Florida leads the nation in sink holes. Robin said they should look somewhere else. The caller said he's moving out of Florida in a few months. He said that Florida is going to end up being covered in water eventually.
The caller said they have king tides in the fall down there. He said if there's a full moon and you have a storm things will get crazy. He said he lives near a canal and the canal overflowed. The caller said that things are really bad there. He said the flooding comes up through the storm drains when it's hardly raining at all.
Howard said this is really depressing to hear. The caller said that any coastal area is going to be like that. Howard asked about Miami. The guy said that Miami was clobbered with water. He said he can search it and see for himself. Robin said she almost lost a friend down there when a road flooded. The caller said that things are bad with the water there. He said Howard had better see what it's about down there. He said climate change is real and things are changing.
The caller told Howard that he gave Donald Trump a pass on a lot of things on the show. Howard said he has to go think about all of this stuff he said. He said he couldn't live with this guy, Ken. He said that he would bum him out. Ken said that they used to have a lot of movie shoots down there in Miami. He said they killed that off down there so the filming all went away. He said he's moving back to the New York area. Howard said he can come back and deal with the cold. Ken said he would take 20 blizzards before he'd take one more hurricane.
Howard said there goes that idea. Howard said he hears what he's saying but he's bumming him out. Howard said he would still go to Florida. He said California is dangerous too with earthquakes. Robin said maybe Arizona. Howard said it's too cold there too but it is in Florida at times. Howard said he's going to Florida. Robin said she's going to Arizona. She said she can come out and visit her there when he gets washed away. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the flooding isn't bad where he lives in Florida either. He said if things get that bad New York will be flooded too. Robin said she did have a friend down there whose car was almost washed away. The guy said that can happen in the desert too. Howard said he may have to move off this planet.
Howard said that he has Carol and Michael in the studio watching the show. He said they donated some money to a charity to come in and watch. Howard said he hopes they don't disappoint. Howard said he won't ask what they paid. He said that's their businesses. Michael said they paid almost as much as they did for a buggy ride last night. He said they went from 45th to the West Village and figured it would be 6 bucks. He said it was $92 each. Howard said they can spot the visitors to the city.
Howard asked if Carol is married to Michael. Michael said he's the friend. The gay friend. Howard said his wife has a lot of gay friends but he won't let her hang around any straight friends. Michael said he's been hanging out with her for 40 years. He said he was hanging with her before she was married.
Howard said gay people are the gift from god to this world. He said that he says that because all of his gay friends have something special about them. He said they've had to put up with so much. He said it's made them something more beautiful. Robin said there have been some societies that have looked at gay people like that.
Howard said other than fucking a guy in the ass he wouldn't want to be gay. He said maybe he can be gay and have sex with women. Michael said he can be a ''straight fruit.'' He said there are a lot of those out in Los Angeles. Michael told Howard that he has an 18 year old daughter that he adopted. Robin said that's another great thing gay people do. They adopt. Howard asked if she ever had issues with people saying things about her having a gay dad. Michael said that she's had her moments but she's done fine.
Howard asked Michael if he used to mess around with girls when he was younger and he'd do that to get into a threesome. He said he would make out and the guys would be into it in their own way. Howard said he thinks that any guy who goes into a threesome with another guy is gay in a way.
Howard said he thinks that women who go to bed with each other are gay or at least bi-sexual. Howard said he would never do anything with another dude in the bed. Howard said he would think that she prefers women over him if she wanted to be with another woman. Howard said he knows that's looking for trouble. He said he'd be so embarrassed if she left him for another woman.
Howard asked Carol if she's ever tried it with another woman. She said she has not. She said she's been married for 40 years now. Howard asked if she still has sex. She said they do. Howard said that's great. Michael said Carol and her husband have a very unusual marriage because it's so good.
Howard said that Michael and Carol are probably doing it all the time and this is just a cover. Howard said for a gay man he doesn't dress very well. Michael said he had to dress it down a bit. Howard said Michael looks kind of familiar. Michael said that he's been on some TV shows back in the 1980s. He said that he has done theater about HIV and AIDS all over the world. He said he's been naked in several of the shows. Howard asked what his full name is. He said it's Michael Kearns. Howard asked Carol how big he is in the pants. She said that she didn't remember but then she said it's huge. Howard said he must be pretty well hung. Michael said that he's not that big. Howard said he must not be like him where his pubes are longer than his dick. Michael said it's not that bad.
Howard said he does grow to 6 inches but barely. He said he might be 5 and a half. Howard asked how big Michael is. Michael said he's close to 8. Howard gave him a ''Wow!'' for that. Howard asked if he'd go to bed with George Takei. Michael said he hasn't but he does know him. He said he knows a lot of those guys out there. He said he has stories to tell too.
Howard asked Michael if he thinks coming out ruined his career. Michael said it did to an extent. Michael said that Neil Patrick Harris is doing okay but he's not going to play a leading man. He said we are in a little bit of a different world now.
Howard told Michael and Carol they could stick around or leave if they get bored. He went into a live commercial read and then went to break after that.
Howard said that according to Michael's bio online he's the first openly gay actor. Michael said that is correct. Howard asked what he was thinking. Michael said that he was sick of the bullshit so he wanted to come out. Michael said they just saw Harvey Firestein's play, Kinky Boots, yesterday. Howard asked if they went to the opening. Michael said it was a preview. Howard said he was invited to the opening. Michael told him he should go. Carol said it was a feel good kind of play. Howard said he never feels good. He said he hates going to the theater. Michael said they went to see a few plays. Howard said that's his nightmare. He said he would hate going every day. He said as a kid he saw a lot of plays but he hates it now. He said that he gets gassy and he can't let it blow. Howard said he has a small penis so he's embarrassed to go to the bathroom. Michael said he has a big one and he's still pee shy.
Howard said they need a theater where they can pee and fart and he'd be set. Howard said his dad would yell at him about peeing and the whole thing was a nightmare. He said he hates theater. Michael told him not to go see Kinky Boots then. Howard asked if Michael has ever partied with Harvey. He said he has never seen him naked. Howard said he wanted to know if he has a big penis. Michael asked if it matters. Howard said he doesn't know. Michael said that Rock Hudson had a huge penis. Howard asked if he made love to him. Michael said he had sex with him. He said he made out and sort of blew him. He said they were in the standing position at the time. He said it was kind of degrading though. He said they were in a bath house, a legit one, and Rock was there all the time. He said he just walked in and there was Rock Hudson. Howard asked if that was pre-AIDS. Michael said that was about 3 years before he got sick. Michael said he's HIV Positive himself. He said he got tested in 1988. He said he's one of the few who are doing okay. He said he has to take medication every day. He said he's been on the cocktail and he's got other issues. He said he's still there though. Howard said they're saying that bee stings can cure HIV. Michael said they say that about a lot of things. He said he was stung by bees as a child really badly. Howard said maybe that's why he's still around.
Robin got to her news and read about a man who was born without a penis. Howard said that's a woman. Robin said he had testicles but no penis. Howard said they thought that when he was born. Robin said his bladder was outside his body too. Robin said he has never had a penis but he claims that he's bedded about 100 women. Robin said he wasn't able to have intercourse with them but he was able to do other things. Robin said doctors are going to create a penis out of muscle from his forearm and it will ejaculate.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this Mr. Kearns is very interesting and they should have him sit in the Artie Chair at least once a week. Howard said it only took 10 minutes for him to be a hit on the show.
Robin read about a Girl Scout Troop that was hoaxed. Robin said that they had an order for 6,000 boxes and the company that supposedly ordered them said that they did not place the order.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he agrees about Michael. He said they should get this guy and give him a Monday show on Howard 101. Howard said he might end up with a show. Michael said that would be good.
Howard sassed if he has other stories he can tell about guys he's blown. Michael said he does but he would get into trouble over it. He said the guy is barely living now. Howard asked if it was the first President Bush. Michael joked that it was Barbara Bush. Howard said he doesn't want to out anyone. Michael said he could throw the name out there. Howard said he knows who it is. Howard said he'd write it down for him and he can tell him if he's right. Howard said he doesn't want anyone to see what he writes. Michael told him he was right. He said that the guy has a huge one. Robin asked if his initials are BM. Michael laughed. Howard said they are not BM. Howard said that's Bowel Movement. Robin asked how he figured that out. Howard said he can figure stuff out.
Howard asked Michael about having sex with the guy and what he liked. Michael said the guy liked to have his dick sucked. He said they didn't end up doing any fucking. Howard ended up hitting the delay at one point. Gary told everyone to shut the fuck up in there. Howard said they don't know about this guy and he could just be a raving lunatic. Michael said he could be making all of this stuff up. Someone must have said the other guy's name and they cut it out of the show. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard got back to Michael and asked about this guy he dated. Michael said he was with him for about 13 months and then he showed up at a party with someone else. He said it was pretty hurtful. He said he ran into him years later and he was nice to him. He said he actually brought a date to their date. He said he made it seem like the guy was just a friend but it was over at that point. He said he wasn't madly in love.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to the guy about this guy he dated. He wasn't able to say the guy's name. Howard said Liberace used to sue people when they'd say he was gay. Howard said he thinks that Mike Douglas didn't even know that he was gay. Michael said they all know they're gay. Howard hit the delay once again but he said that he didn't even say anything wrong. Howard told Gary to keep track of the button hits.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a Greek soccer player who gave a Nazi-like salute during a game. Robin said he claims he isn't a Nazi and he apologized for the salute.
Robin read about the new Pope and ran down some information about him. Howard said he heard he named himself Pope Francis because he was naming himself after the guy who reformed the church. Howard said he doesn't think he's going to do anything to change it himself. Howard said he won't do anything. Howard said he's not sure why they led them on about the black pope. He said it would have been so great if some little old lady in Staten Island had to hang a picture of a black pope on her wall.
Gary came in and said that Michael is in the movie ''Kentucky Fried Movie'' and he's in one of the best scenes in the movie. He was the one banging a chick in this one scene. Michael said he was in Body Double too. He said he has a scene with Melanie Griffith where she's supposed to be naked and jump into his arms. He said that she was afraid to do the scene so he got paid to show up. He said he would hear her getting it from another actor on the movie while he was in his trailer. Howard said he doesn't know for sure that was going on. Michael said he does though. Howard said he is a legend. He said they have to hail him. Michael said he's a legend with a small L.
Robin said that there is another cruise ship that's down in Tampa. Robin said that they had to offload the crew and passengers because they aren't able to use the propulsion system at full speed. Robin said this wasn't as bad as the last cruise where sewage was flowing down the halls. Robin said now Chuck Schumer is calling for cruise ships to have a bill of rights. Robin said he's saying that people should have the same rights as airline passengers. Howard said he would never go on a cruise. He said he hates the idea of being trapped on a ship with other people. Howard said if he was on a cruise he'd pray for an iceberg so he'd sink.
Robin read about a senator who changed his opinion on gay marriage when he found out his son was gay. Howard said he loves guys like that who only change when it affects them. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a hearing for a gunman who killed some people in a school back in 2012. Robin said the kid can't face the death penalty because of his age at the time of the shooting. Robin said he went to a school and shot 3 people dead.
Robin read about students sexting at school. Robin said that the students have been using social media sites to share nude photos and the students could face charges if they don't delete the photos. Howard asked Michael if he's ever done that. Michael said no at first but he said he actually did it back in the day. He said he has to be careful not to send it when people ask for his photo and resume. Howard asked if he fluff it up a bit before he takes a picture. Howard said that's what he does. He said he's not erect but he's not totally flaccid. Howard asked him to send him a picture of his cock and he'll send it to his wife and tell her it's his. Michael laughed at that.
Robin read a story about some high school football players were who were convicted of fingering a girl who was inebriated and incapable of giving consent. Robin said they video taped the whole thing. Robin said the girl thinks she was drugged because she didn't even know what was going on. Robin asked if they should charge the witnesses to that crime. Howard said they should. He said you should try to stop something like that. Howard went into another live commercial after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his son and girlfriend are near San Antonio so he was wondering if he could get them on a list for the AGT taping. Howard asked Gary if he's set up to do that. Howard said he ash to leave tomorrow so he'll be there on Wednesday. Gary said he thinks they can do something. Howard said he can't guarantee anything but Gary will try.
Robin read a story about Tony Parker suing the night club where Chris Brown's posse and another posse got into a fight. Tony is suing the club because he got an eye injury. Robin said the club is saying they had nothing to do with that so he can't sue them. Howard said he should sue the other guys who injured him.
Robin read about Paul Ryan's budget being a ''vision document.'' Robin had some audio of Ryan talking about that. Robin said he says that his budget isn't the same one he was touting during the election.
Robin had some audio of Reince Priebus talking about various issues with the Republican party. Howard said what they need are more guys like Chris Christie who aren't hung up on the issues.
Robin read about how Chris Christie came in fourth in a poll at the CPAC convention. Howard said that's because of all of the tea party people there.
Robin read about North Korea and how some people are saying that we have to take their threats very seriously. Robin said the Pentagon has said we're upping the missile defense for the country because of those threats.
Robin read about how cyber attacks are a top priority on Capital Hill. Robin said that attacks on this country are very high.
Howard asked Michael about the Rock Hudson story and what was going on there that kept him from talking. Michael said he waited until he was dead before he said anything. He said he knows for sure it was the real Rock Hudson though. Howard said he believes him. Michael said that they would go into this bathroom that was like a bathroom within a bathroom. Howard asked if he swallowed. Michael said he did not. He said he was nervous about that because it was like 1983. Robin asked if he's ever blown a man with a dental dam. Michael said he would never. He said he won't use a condom in his mouth either. He said he doesn't think you get HIV that way. He said he thinks he got it from having anal sex.
Howard asked Michael who the hottest guy in Hollywood is right now. Michael said he likes James Franco. He said Brad Pitt still looks very good too.
Robin read about a guy who had a pre-nup thrown out of court. Robin said he had his wife sign it to make sure she wasn't marrying him for his money. She claims that he was going to tear it up if they had kids and they had kids. The judge believed the wife. Howard said he doesn't get that. He said it should be a binding agreement. Howard said that the child support thing isn't covered if you don't have kids before you get married. Howard said he'd have to view the documents.
Robin read about a 16 year old kid who had an accident and then went and had another one. Robin had some audio of a police officer talking about the accidents. Robin said the kid and his mother are in the hospital.
Robin said that Latoya Jackson has said goodbye to Celebrity Apprentice. Robin said this is the third time she's been fired from the show. Robin had some audio from the show where she got fired. Howard said they have to get her back in there. He said she was a great guest when she'd come in. Howard told Gary to get her in there. He said if she's doing that show she'll do this one. Robin had a few other clips from Apprentice. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:25am.
Steve Brandano said they're in a tough spot. Jon said it reminds him of when he's lecturing his daughters about something and they say something funny that you can't laugh at. He said he thinks that's what's going on there. He said he doesn't think they'll spend much time talking about it there. He said Robin is a lot worse when it comes to talking about it and chiming in.
Jon said what hurt was when Howard said they were lying. He said he really did hear different things when he heard it on vinyl. Steve said he thinks that Jon is just trying to host the show. He said they can't just say they don't hear a difference. Jon said he didn't say it for effect though. He said he hates that song but he did hear a difference. Jon said they're going to get a break out of the way and come back to talk about more stuff.
Gary said there was a caller who said he had his math wrong on the show too. He said he thinks he was right but that's the best way to get through to the show at this point.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard likes holding a newspaper but you can read all of that stuff on an iPad. Gary said he knows and he was trying to make that argument this morning.
Jon asked Gary if he would want to move to Florida. Gary said it sounds like an interesting idea but he wouldn't want to move the family. Gary said he thinks that Howard would miss some things about New York if he moved. Jon asked Gary if he thinks that anything will change. Gary said not for the next 2 years and 10 months while this contract is on.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Evan Metropoulos. Gary said back in the 90s he got a call about a meeting with the family that owned Bumble Bee. He said Evan was part of the meeting and he was in a sport jacket like a grown up. He said Evan was running the gig and he was like the real life Richie Rich. He said that's the way it turned out. Gary said that he is a nice guy and he has a good business going. Jon said he can see how people would take advantage of his position. He said that's what it sounds like was going on with some famous people too.
Jon said Evan's family has saved the Twinkie brand. He said he never thought that it would go away. Gary said he never thought Polaroid would go away. He said he didn't think that Schwinn would go away although he's heard they're back.
Jon asked what it must be like to have that kind of money. Gary said he's heard friends who have so much money that they end up doing stuff that's almost suicidal.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what's going on with Dominic Barbara and if he's broke now or something. Gary said he doesn't know anymore than what was in the paper. He said he's not sure what the problem is.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he just heard the Dominic replay and he wondered if Robin reads the news over the weekend at all. Gary said she just doesn't give a shit. He said he was joking. He said Robin is a co-host on the show and she didn't know just tone thing. He said it's enough is enough and Robin is just mailing it in. He asked if she gives a crap anymore. He said that she should know what's going on. The caller said he just casually saw it himself over the weekend. He said Robin should give a shit about that. Jon said she definitely does. Gary said he didn't know that story until yesterday afternoon himself. Jon had to take another break after that.
Jon said Eric the Actor refuses to get near the homosexual room. Gary asked what that's about. Gary said Eric is so weird. He said he was saying that it's offensive to gays. Jon asked what could get him in there. Gary said money might.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Gary needs to look at what he gets from Howard because of how long he's been there. He said he can say anything to family and the show is like family. Gary said he thinks that Howard has some respect for Jon and that's why he lets him off. Jon said he did call him a liar to his face though.
Jon said that Michael Kearns might be the best guest they've had in there in a month. Gary said he made it very easy today. Jon said he's in the studio now actually. Jon said that you never know how it's going to go when someone like that comes in. Gary said that he didn't think they were going to be very talkative but within 30 seconds it was a different thing.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks Howard is handling AGT differently this year. Gary said he's not sure because he's not talking much about it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary is wrong about figuring out the number of years for a TV show. He said Gary just got it wrong but he wasn't sure which show he got it wrong on.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he has never heard Howard bust Jon's balls on much other than his 80 blow jobs and a couple of other things. He said Gary and JD really take a lot of it. Gary said Jon doesn't react the way he reacts. He said it's hard to get Jon mad but he has seen him mad. He said the first year they were there Jon go so mad and he's never seen him get that mad again. He said it's like he remembered that and never wanted to do it again. Jon said that's right.
Jon said when he came to the show he wasn't an intern. He said he has a different relationship with Howard than the other guys do.
The caller asked what year Jon called into the show for the first time. Jon said it was 2000. The caller asked Gary where he's at with Stuttering John. Gary said they update their database all the time so he called John about 2 months ago. He said he talked to him for about a minute. He said he would talk to him if he wasn't playing phone tag. The caller said he heard Howard going off on him and he didn't know where they all stand with him. Gary said they used to call during the holidays. He said they end up going in different directions and you just don't get the chance to talk.
Jon said another topic to talk about was the Matt Lauer thing. Gary said he thought Matt was being a dick from what he was reading but now he's thinking that NBC was making the decisions over there. He said he's not sure that Matt went out of his way to get rid of her. He said that they're pinning it on him though. Jon said his number might be up for some reason. The guys had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about how he wasn't able to sleep last night. Robin asked what he was so excited about. Howard said it was Robin he was excited about. Howard said he took Ambien but he hates taking it. He said he does have a prescription. Howard said he hates taking it but he took it at 11. He jokingly said he woke up with high heels and a purse.
Howard had a new song parody about Robin so he played that for her. It was ''In and Around Your Ass'' to the tune of a Yes song. Robin said these are some very sick people. Howard said that's Psych and he loves Robin.
Howard said his favorite news story of the day was something he barely got to read. He said the guy Sal Cassano who is the commissioner of the fire department, whose son tweeted out racist comments, had to apologize for his son. The son was booted out of the fire department. Howard said he thinks you have to use your head when your dad is the fire commissioner. Howard said the poor guy has to deal with this stuff. He said the kid was anti-black and anti-Jewish and some other things. Howard said it has to be that the kid didn't want to work for the fire department. He said he had to know this was going to happen. Robin asked if it's a conscious knowing. Howard said it might not be but he did this in such an angry way. He said it's heady stuff.
Robin said a black guy was wondering if his son learned this stuff from his father. Howard said the father put out a statement saying that this had nothing to do with the way their family thinks. Howard said your kid can be wacky without the family thinking that way. Robin said you don't risk your job for a dopey kid, do you? Howard said his dad knew he was dopey when he was growing up.
Howard read more of the article and said this kid had a nice job for 31 grand. Howard read some of the quotes he had tweeted out. Gary had some of the quotes that Howard wasn't able to find in the article. Gary read some of those for him. He said that he tweeted out some odd things about hating the Jews and saying that he was kidding but then said he wasn't kidding. Howard said he would love to have this kid on the show. He said he's praying that God has him show up in there.
Howard said he loves those stories. He said the article is really good. Howard said the dad must be pissed. He imagined him yelling at his kid like his own father would. Howard did his dad's voice and yelled at him like he was pissed about his tweets.
Gary said that the kid used the word ''Shwoog'' in one of the tweets. He read the anti-Jewish comment too. Robin said she'd like to know why he has so much time to do that while he's supposed to be working. Howard said he wants to know why he thinks that ''Shwoog'' is the right spelling for ''Shvoog.'' Howard said Gary worked in a store where they had a button called the ''Shvoogie button'' that they would hit when a black person entered the store. The employees had to follow them to make sure they didn't steal.
Gary said they never said it was for black people, it just happened to be black people who came in when they hit it. He said they had certain buzzes for different reasons to follow people. Gary said he had a black co-worker that cringed every time they'd hit that button. She knew what it was for.
Howard said he hired Gary because of that Shvoogie buzzer. He said he doesn't get why Gary doesn't listen to him when he asks him to do something. Howard said he asked him to wear a jacket at the photo shoot he had and he refused.
Howard asked Gary how often he had to answer the Shvoogie buzzer. Gary said it was only like once or twice a week. He said he wasn't always the guy either. Gary said they had a whole operation going on there. He said he was asked to stand at the door one week and he was asked if he was the bodyguard. He said the guy looked at him like he was going to kill him. Howard asked what he's supposed to do at 15 years old if someone does steal. Gary said it was mostly women in the store because it was a women's clothing store. Gary said Howard was the one who named it the Shvoogie buzzer. He said to him at the store it was just a buzzer.
Gary said he was 15 years old and just unpacking clothes in the back room. He said he had a gay guy there who was always hitting on him so he tried to avoid him. Gary said this one guy would tell him stories up in the lunch room and he'd tell him about how he was in the army and he'd tell him how another guy would blow him and that didn't make him gay.
Howard said when white people came into the store they played a flute. Fred played a harp so Howard went with that instead. Gary told Howard about this gay guy who kept asking if he was gay for doing gay stuff. Gary said he told a friend about this job and he took it. He said that the guy tried grabbing his friend one day and the friend gave him an elbow. He said that guy gave the job to other friends who were gay twins. He said they ended up sending them gay twins. Gary said the guy must have been so happy.
Howard said the gay guy once brought up putting lube in another guy's ass. He said it came up at lunch of all times. Howard said good for you. Gary said that this is just pissing him off now. He said he was just a kid and he was working for minimum wage. Howard said he had to risk his life like a police officer at 15.
Howard asked if the black girl was upset about the buzzer. Gary said she was and she had to tail some people at times.
Howard said he saw Lindsay Lohan was in the paper again. He said she's aging horribly. He said she looks like she's 50 but she's only 25 or something like that. Gary said she flew on a private plane the other day. Howard said she's such a mess in this picture. Howard said she still wouldn't fuck him. Gary said he thinks that in another month Howard wouldn't fuck her. Howard said he'd be surprised at who he'd fuck.
Howard read more about Lindsay and how she's being forced to go to rehab. Howard said they won't send her to jail. He said they don't know what to do with her at this point.
Howard read what Lindsay will be doing in rehab. He went down the list item by item and it didn't seem so bad. They have chores to do and then they do meditation. Then they have ''garden time.'' Howard said this is the rough place she's going to get help. Howard read about the counseling she'll be getting and how they'll be talking about her favorite subject ''Lindsay.'' Howard said they have lunch at 11am. He said they have so little to do they eat early. Howard said they go to process group and have speakers and then have meds and down time.
Howard said they're all so doped up. He said at 5 they have dinner and mail. Howard said that's mail, not male. Howard said they have a meeting and recreation study after that. He said they have more meds at 8:30. Howard said they shower too. He said it's no wonder they can go into rehab with so many meds. He said they're in bed by 10. Robin said that sounds like a long day.
Howard said he guarantees she's whacking off all day long too. Howard said it sounds like a fun day to him. He said he wants to get addicted to something so he can go.
Gary said her father was out screaming at the lawyer and the lawyer had to leave because he was afraid of Michael Lohan. Howard asked what his problem is with the lawyer. Gary said he was saying that he didn't return her calls and he screwed up the whole trial. Howard said Michael was screaming. Howard said he is wacky but when he comes on the show he acts normal. Howard said he wanted the guy who yells at the lawyer.
Howard said he has to take a break but he had something to play before going. He played a clip of a reporter talking about how Howard could be taking over Jimmy Fallon's spot. Howard said he would never work at 12:30am. They went to break right after that.
Howard came back and said that Jewel was talking about what a good song writer he is. He had the tape to prove it. Howard played the clip of her taking requests from her fans and people were yelling out ''Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes.'' She said she didn't know it that well. Jewel said she thought that they were going to make her sing something horrible but she thinks he's actually a good song writer.
Howard said he and Jewel email each other and he thinks that she wants him to write her a song. Howard said he could write one for her now. Howard had Fred get a guitar. He told him what to play. He said he might play drum on this too. He got his Cajon that Fred gave to him for his birthday.
Howard said he's just going to freestyle on this. He had Fred play while he was pounding on his Cajon. Howard made up lyrics as they were going along. Howard sang a little bit about Jay Leno. He said this is called ''Hello, Tonight Show.'' Howard asked what the fuck he's doing as he was pounding on his Cajon. Howard said this new one is going to be Psychadellic Nickels and he'll be writing it tonight in San Antonio. He said he'll be singing about how he fucks his father up. He thanked Robin for the inspiration.
Howard said he's so ugly. Robin said he really isn't. Howard said she must be high on her meds. Howard said she must be in rehab. Howard said he was so busy yesterday. He said he had to get clothes for his photo shoot and all of that. He said he had the phone ringing with all kinds of business shit. He said he had to try on clothes for the photo shoot. He said it doesn't help standing next to Heidi Klum. He said he looks like a big, ugly girl. He said he won't be doing the photo shoot with the rest of them. He said they're doing theirs today. Howard said he's so busy he doesn't have time for all of this. He said they didn't give him any guidelines for the shoot. He said Ralph didn't hear back until the last minute so he's just bringing what he's bringing.
Howard said even if they did tell him what to wear he wouldn't bring it. He said he heard something about bright colors. He said all he has is black. He said he's not wearing colors.
Howard said he doesn't want pictures of him in Ralph's iPad. He said he has taken them in the past and he's lost them. Howard said he ends up having pictures of him floating around. Howard said he takes the pictures with his head cut off. He said that's the way they should shoot him for AGT. Howard said Ralph isn't allowed to shoot him above the neck.
Howard said he feels like he's in the army and some guy is sucking his cock. Howard said the whole day was crazy. He said he spoke to Robin. Robin said he was in some mood. Howard said Robin was all happy about her life. Howard said he's glad she's having a good time. He said he had to tell her about his nightmares. Howard said he noticed it was Dancing with the Stars last night. Howard said he had The Walking Dead on his DVR. He said he was laying in bed staring at his belly that he shaved down the wrong way. He said his bush looks bizarre down there too. He said if his penis wasn't so small he'd show Robin. Robin asked if he'd show his belly. Howard said no way to that. He said it looks like the first time you mow the lawn and you don't do it the right way.
Howard said he has such a small penis that his pubic hair is longer. He said that's embarrassing. He said he has a nubbin down there. Robin laughed. Robin said he has to be exaggerating. Howard said he wishes he was. Howard said he got into bed and didn't beat off at all. He said Beth is visiting her grandma so he's all alone. He said he didn't know what to do. He said he wanted to watch The Walking Dead because someone will ruin it for him if he doesn't stay caught up. He said he should be caught up on Dancing with the Stars too though. He said he has to be up on that for the show. Howard said how he's not gay is incredible. Howard said he was excited that Lisa Vanderpump was on the show.
Howard said he watched Dancing until he caught up to live TV. He said then he paused it and went to The Walking Dead. He said he got through that and caught up. Howard talked about Dorothy Hamil on Dancing with the Stars. He told some stories about some of the other contestants too. Howard said they had an annoying 16 year old on the show. He said she's on some Disney show. Howard said it's really weird because she has a very womanly look. Howard said the poor dude is trying not to make it look sexual. Howard said she's kind of womanly and it's just weird. Howard said it's obvious that she's a professional dancer.
Howard said Kelly Pickler has a great body. He said her face looks odd like she's had plastic surgery or something. He said that the Bachelor was on the show too. He said he's just a doof. Howard said he calls himself an insurance salesman but he hasn't gone to work for two years. Howard said he doesn't get that. Howard said he's a weirdo who claims he hasn't had sex or something. He said that's normal.
Howard said Andy Dick was on there too. He said he's not feeling too good about him. He said he thought they were going to chop his head off before he bit someone. Then he realized he was watching Dancing with the Stars and not The Walking Dead. He said he has to get it together. He said he was talking about how he isn't sure how long he'll be sober.
Howard said he's no fan of Jay's but he's number 1 in late night and they're looking to get rid of him. Howard said they're cutting his pay and trying to get him out. Howard said that's some life. Howard said everyone hates him even though he's number 1. The news guy was saying that Jimmy Fallon is being considered too. They read some Facebook comments from fans who said anyone but Howard. Howard said he hasn't been popular with women since puberty. He said they shouldn't worry.
Howard said he wants to know who this guy is in the clip. Howard said all of these news anchors are up to weird stuff too. He said that's what they find out after a while. Robin said she wonders about all of them after something happens with one.
Howard played a clip of Jay Leno doing his monologue and joking about management being snakes. Gary came in and asked if he would keep Stuttering John there if he took over Jay's spot. Howard said he's cleaning house and no one is staying. Howard said he's going to bring back Doc Severenson. Gary asked if he's still alive. Howard said even if he's dead he'll bring him back.
Howard said he's going to get rid of John and bring in JD as his announcer. He said his whole staff is coming. Fred said that Doc is 85 years old. Howard said he's going to bring back Ed McMahon and Robin will have to work his mouth with her hand. Howard said she can talk but with the Ed McMahon body.
Howard said he's doing away with the monologue. He said he'll just stare at you because he's angry and nutty. He said then he'll say his first guest is there to sing a wonderful song and he'll introduce this gentleman. He had a Big Foot impersonator singing Rihanna's ''Diamond.''
Howard said he's going to piss on Johnny Carson while he's there. He said he's going to disgrace the show that Carson loved. He said that Letterman loves Carson and he's just going to piss all over Carson. Howard said he's going to have a comedian on the show and he won't have to wait for him to call him over to the couch. Howard said Johnny used to beat his wife. He said that women talk about how he scares them but Johnny is the one they should have been scared of. Howard said he's going to dig Johnny up and put his skull on his desk.
Howard said he talked to the NBC execs last night about what his plans are for this show. He said he has a ton of ideas. He said he's going to bring Ed McMahon back and Doc Severenson back too. Howard said his pitch was like something out of a movie. Howard said they thought he wouldn't be good but by the time he got to Robin working Ed McMahon through his asshole they were thrilled. Howard said all of the NBC management were going crazy. Howard said he told them he's going to fuck Johnny's skull. He said the lawyer asked where he was going to finish. Howard said they loved this pitch.
Howard said they gave him a new jacket that was white with buckles on it. Robin said that's called a straight jacket. Howard said he was going to have Joan Rivers come out and shit on Johnny's star on the Hollywood walk of fame. Howard said they loved this pitch. He said they told him that it was fresh and different. Howard said no one will tune out of this.
Howard said if the ratings dip he's going to have an execution of OJ Simpson live on the air. He said that that's sort of his game plan. He said that's his pitch for the Tonight Show. He said that woman from earlier must not be scared now.
Howard said they have Louis CK coming in soon. Howard said the original MTV VJs will be in together too. Howard said it's rare that they have them all in one place. He said it should be fun to talk to them.
Howard asked Robin not to tell anyone about his ideas. He said Fallon might steal them. Howard said he's going to have the whole male audience. Howard said Matt Lauer agreed to bukakke a picture of Ann Curry. Robin said she'll be the only woman watching the show. Howard said no one liked her on the Today show but everyone is acting like they did. Howard said she should blame herself and not Matt. Howard said he's so sick of this whole thing.
Howard played a new Little Mikey song parody about Robin. He sang about how Robin used to be nicer. Robin was laughing. Howard also played a Manly Tip from Richard Christy's Dad bit. He was saying that when you kill a possum they shit so don't get the shit on you. Howard played a voice mail from Richard's dad too. He was talking about a big ol' possum that got into the chicken cage and got some eggs. Richard's mom took care of that possum.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it's in the 80s down in Florida. Howard said he will be in Texas today but he'll be inside most of the day. He said he won't get outside much.
The caller said Fred's ''The Power Of Drops'' was great last night. He said the drops don't sound real when you hear them in their original form. He said we're so used to hearing them that they sound weird. The guy said that the show was very good. Fred said that David Haight and the tape team helped produce that special.
The caller said he's been listening to the show for 25-30 years now. He asked if he could call out a drop and see how long it takes for him to get it. Howard said that's too much pressure on Fred.
Howard said he heard the show last night and he kept trying to turn off Fred's mic. He said he was great on the show though. He said the show replays today at 2pm on Howard 101. Robin said she's going to try to catch it today since she forgot last night.
The caller said he loves the SiriusXM app because he can download the show and listen. He said he's backed up on shows to February. Howard said he's backed up too. The caller asked why some of the other shows aren't available for download. Howard said that's all up to Sirius. He said he doesn't even know how the app works.
Howard said he has a whole plan for what they could do there in the future. Howard said he has to pitch it to the people there. Howard thanked the guy for calling in.
Howard said he was going to go for a run yesterday but it was only 37 degrees. He said he decided not to go. Robin said today it's raining and icy.
Howard said he heard that Miley Cyrus was on vacation. He said he wonders why she's not working. He said she should be getting up and working.
Howard said that Ronnie asked him a question yesterday and he said it wasn't about the block party. He said it was about AGT. Howard said he has a funny song parody about the block party. He said it was by Eli Braden. Howard played the song and Eli was singing about how Ronnie should shut up about the block party. They went to break right after that.
Howard said they're about to play a game he hates but he will do it. Howard said Riley wants to make an announcement real quick. Howard picked up on Riley Martin who said that this Saturday night, the 23rd, he's going to be doing his big redneck vacation on the Country Music channel. He said that he's going to be going out to Area 51 to do a show. He said the family The Clampetts asked him to show them a way to get to Area 51. Howard said he should be doing that on his own show. Riley said these people actually paid him for his services.
Howard asked Robin if she knows what he's talking about. Riley said he's going to be on TV this Saturday at 9pm eastern on CMT, the Country Music Television network. Howard said he'll bet that they don't see anything. Riley said he has to watch the show. Howard said he knows what's going to happen. He said they'll see nothing. He said nothing will be there. Riley said he called in Eron and a photographer of UFOs for the show. He said he knows the layout of the place because he's seen it from above. Howard wished him best of luck with that.
Riley said he worked for people who actually pay him. Howard said yeah, because they're such bad people there. Riley said they are bad people but he loves them. Howard wished him luck again and thanked him for the call. He hung up on Riley because he wouldn't take the hint that he was trying to get off the phone.
Howard said nothing happens in Area 51. He said there are no UFOs. He said people have to stop it with that nonsense. Gary said he likes how Riley calls him ''son.'' Howard said that's why he hired the guy. Howard said he wishes he could get rid of Area 51. He said he's not sure why aliens would go to Area 51. Robin said if all other aliens are there then why not? Howard said the whole alien movement is so dumb. Howard asked where area 51 is. Gary said he thinks it's in Arizona or New Mexico. Fred said it's New Mexico.
Howard played the audio of Lohan getting on camera and telling people not to give him shit. He said he's her father. Someone was telling him that her attorney is her representative. Michael told the guy he was a parasite and he's going to lose his license again. Howard said that kid is doomed. That's her old man yelling at her attorney. Howard said she was raised by that. Howard said some people figure it out but he doesn't think Lindsay will be able to do that. Howard said she has two fucked up parents. Robin said Drew Barrymore had that too. She figured it out. Howard said she's right.
Gary said Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Fallon know all of their staff's names. Howard said he knows a lot of the people there but he may not remember their names. Howard said he knows that Ben Barto is a great guy and he's good at his job but if Gary brought him in there he wouldn't know him. Howard said he worked for him personally and he still wouldn't know him. Howard said he isn't good with faces and names. Robin said it's so bad that Howard doesn't know people's names at the Christmas party. Howard said the guy with the big teeth is Gary. He said that one he knows well. Howard said that's why he hired Gary. He has a face that he can't forget. Even Gary was laughing at that.
Gary said the first person coming in has worked for Howard TV for 6 years. Howard guessed it was Ben Barto. He was wrong. Gary said that they asked this guy to take pictures of everyone for the web site. Howard tried guessing what his name is and he wasn't able to do it. Howard said he has normal teeth so he can't recognize him. Howard said he has no idea who he is. Robin recognized him. Gary asked how she knows him. Robin didn't know. Gary said he filmed Robin's Vegucating Robin special. Robin said he didn't look like himself. He said that Robin even met his boyfriend. Howard said that he must have changed his look. Robin said he's not the one who told her that he changed the way he eats. He said he actually is. Robin said ''Oh wow!'' Howard told him to grow his beard back. He said his name is Christopher Gagliardi. Chris said he works down at In Demand and tries to stay behind the scenes. He said he used to be up there more often but he's working at the other building more. Howard said he does see him on Moldred. He thanked him for his service there. Robin thanked him too.
Gary brought in another guy who Howard didn't know. It turned out he was Rob Martin. He gave up his first name pretty quick. Howard said he should know his name. He's been there for 2 and a half years. Howard said he should know Rob. Howard asked if Ben Barto was going to be there. Gary said no.
Howard said Robin should know his name. Gary said Rob is there every morning. He said Howard spent a lot of time talking to him about lighting. Howard said they have a large company and it's hard to track everyone. Gary said that Rob is the first one they see in the morning.
Howard asked Rob to tell them something interesting. Rob said he's a two time national champion golfer. Howard said he doesn't care about that. Rob said his parents passed early. He said they talked about this on the air. He said that his mom died from cancer and he was there and had to tell them to stop giving CPR. Will said his mother, father and brother all died within a year and a half. He said he has no family now. Howard said Gary is showing off like he knows all of these guys. Gary has notes though. Howard said they should be calling Rob ''Lucky Rob.'' Rob said his brother died in a motorcycle accident. He said his father died of cancer just like his mother did. He said he's adopted so he's looking for his birth parents. He said Jon Leiberman is trying to help him out with that. Howard said he might want to leave that alone.
Howard said he wanted to stop this game. He said it's really embarrassing. Robin asked if they'll remember him next year. Howard said no. He said they don't see Rob. Gary said he's the cameraman out in the hall every morning. Howard said he has a camera in front of his face.
Howard asked Robin who the other guy is. Robin remembered it was Chris Gagliardi. Howard asked who the other guy is. Robin said that's Richie Wilson. Howard said she was right about that. Robin said she's trying to remember Rob Martin's name. Howard said they'll play this again in a year and he still won't remember. He said he'll get upset about Rob's story again in a year.
Gary brought in another guy and said he's been there for like 3 years. Howard didn't recognize him. Howard asked if it was Ben Barto. The guy said no. Gary said he was named employee of the month, by Howard, within the past 3 months. Howard said he gets reports about what people are up to there. He said Tim told him what he's been doing and he's been doing great. Howard asked the guy some questions and tried to figure out who he was. Gary said Tim has been talking to Howard about this guy a lot lately. Howard asked if he knows Rob and Chris. The guy said Robin has seen him before. Robin said she can do this if she's pressed.
Robin asked if he works in their compound there. He said he does but not during the show. Howard asked if his name is Jared. He said it is not. Howard said he sent him a gift recently. Howard asked if he shaves his head. The guy said he does not. He said that's just what it looks like. Howard asked if he's thinking of the number 37. The guy laughed. Howard asked if he's Sussy. The guy said he's not. Gary said they wouldn't know him if he brought him in right now.
Gary told the guy to say his name. His name is Al Ragone. Howard said he's heard that name. He said he knows that. He said he's the backbone of the organization. Howard said this is embarrassing to him. Howard asked Al if he thought that he'd know his name. Al said it was a 50/50 on that. Al said he worked with Robin on The Chatter a while back. Robin said ''Really!?''
Howard said the only reason he doesn't know their names is because he's selfish. He said they don't work in the same room. He knew Will and Richie. Gary asked what Will's son's name is. Robin said she knows it. She said that she had to think for a minute. She said it just slipped out of her head. Howard said he knows it's a trendy name. Robin said Oliver. It was actually Owen. Robin said she did write it on the Christmas card.
Howard said all three guys are great. He said he keeps tabs on what's going on there. He said he just sent Al a fucking gift. He asked if he can just call them employees one, two and three. They said that would be fine. Howard said those guys are great. He said this is very awkward. He thanked the guys and let them go. Robin asked how they're going to rectify this problem. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard had Stacy Keibler or Kate Beckinsale. Robin said they have to go with Kate. Howard said he met Stacy and she's a firecracker. Howard said he might go with Kate because she's hot in those Underworld movies.
Howard had Olivia Wilde or Sophia Vergara. Howard said Sophia doesn't do it for him. Robin said she has a tranny look. Howard said he's picking Olivia over Sophia.
Howard had Beyonce or Heidi Klum. Howard picked Heidi. Robin said he has to pick her. Howard said he doesn't have to pick her. He said she's way hotter than Beyonce. Here are more of the picks that Howard went with:
Howard said these are up at HowardStern.com. Fred convinced Howard to change from Maria to Brooklyn Decker in the one bracket. Howard said he might need picture help on some of the others. after going through all of those they had the semi-finals. Here are Howard's picks:
After that they got to the elite 8. Here are Howard's picks out of the 8:
Howard had a hard time picking out of those four. Howard said that Megan's eyebrows are hot. Howard went with Megan Fox in the first one. Howard said this next one was going to be tough too. He said both of them are really hot. He said that he might have to go with Bar. Gary said Brooklyn looks fat but only because her boobs are so big. Howard said he has to get picky. He pointed out some issues with Brooklyn Decker. He said she has a little bit of a belly. Howard said he has to end this. Fred said that Brooklyn's boobs do sag a bit. Gary said that's because they're real. Howard said he wishes he could see her face more. Howard said he's going with Brooklyn Decker.
They got to the finals after that. Howard had to pick between Megan Fox or Brooklyn Decker. They played the March Madness music and Howard said they have to pick one of the two. Howard asked for a full body shot of Megan Fox. Howard had to check out the pictures and make his pick. He said he's going to go with Megan Fox. He said even with that shitty Marilyn Monroe tattoo he's going with her. Fred wasn't sure that was the right pick. Fred said she just had a kid. Howard said he's leaving that out of the equation. He said Megan is the hottest. Gary said he's going to book her on the show to accept the award. Howard said they'll forget to make the award.
Howard said he's proud that he's never done a basketball bracket. He said that was exciting. Robin said it was very much so. Howard said Brooklyn is probably in a corner crying somewhere.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if the Tonight Show is on 5 days a week and if he could handle that. Howard said it is on 5 days a week but only for an hour. Howard said he does 4-5 hours on this radio show. He said he could show up for an hour and do that dumb show.
The caller said that John Varvatos opened a store near him and people love it. Howard asked about the car he designed and what's cool about it. He said he'd like to check it out. Fred said he added his own touch to the car which is a Chrysler 200. They talked about some of the stuff he changed in it. Howard said he's going to check it out.
Howard said The Tonight Show will work for them because it's only an hour. Howard said they'll shoot it in Florida. He said they can do it from a sink hole. Howard said Jewel will be his musical guest performing his song. He said that JD will be the announcer. He said he can't wait to take over. He said that's going to be exciting. He said they should have a 50 share with that. Howard said he'll fly in as Fartman every night. He said you know the whole audience will be men. He said that he'll have Jeff the Drunk guest host when he's out. Howard said he can have Beetlejuice in too.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he picked Megan Fox over Brooklyn Decker. He said she has a big head. Howard said he knows what he's doing there. He told him to just let him do his thing.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if he saw Kathie Lee admit that she has a big bush on her show. Howard said she's been married for a million years so there's no reason for her to shave her bush. Howard said even Frank probably doesn't care at this point. The caller asked how Robin is down there. Robin said she's bald.
Howard said he was watching the movie Braveheart the other day. Robin said Mad Max II was on the other day and she noticed how good looking he was. She said it's no wonder he's angry now. She said that god has played an evil trick on him. Howard said he should change his name to Braveheart. He said he could become that character. He said he could stay in character all the time and get over all of his issues.
Howard said Kim Kardashian was saying that the pregnancy thing is tough. Howard said he read that Casey Anthony was rumored to be pregnant. Howard said she got off for killing her kid and now she's going to have another one. Howard said he doesn't think that she's going to be the best mom in the world. He said maybe they should sterilize people like that. Robin said she was found innocent so they can't really do anything. Robin said she doesn't expect her to make good decisions. Howard asked what she said her defense was. Robin said she claimed the kid was taken by the babysitter or something. Howard said the next kid might go missing for 30 days. Howard said Octomom should give some of her kids to Casey Anthony.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a guy using Mel Gibson audio clips. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and sang along with the Pink Floyd song a little bit. Howard said that's a great song. He wondered what that all means. He asked Robin if she knew. Robin wasn't there. Fred played the toilet flushing sound.
Howard said he has the top 5 songs. He said ABC is coming up with an app to stream live TV. He said you can be on your iPhone or iPad and watch. He said he kind of has that with his Slingbox. Howard said you can watch your TV. He said ABC is going to put all of their programming on an app. Howard said it would be cool if all of the networks did that. He said the phone has to get a little faster to do that though. He said the LTE isn't quite fast enough.
Robin said we have the slowest internet connections in the world here in the United States. Robin said they just won't give it to us because there is no competition. Robin said we're lagging behind the rest of the world.
Howard said Justin Timberlake's song has reentered the top 5. He said he's seeing too much of him on TV. He said he was on Saturday Night Live recently and he was good. He said Rihanna is at number 4 with ''Stay.'' He said she must be a billionaire already. He said she has a lot of hit songs. Howard said number 3 is Bruno Mars. He doesn't like this song as much as the other one he had in the top 5. Howard said number 2 is Macklemore and Ryan. Number 1 was Harlem Shake again. Howard said that's the fourth week in a row for that song.
Howard said they're counting YouTube views for the top songs now. He said that's how the Harlem Shake thing ended up there.
Howard said he's taking Harlem Shake classes now. He said this is a really annoying song. He said it's awful. He said he thinks he could have done a song like that. Fred said it's the worst. He said it's not even music. Howard asked if it is music technically. Fred said it's not.
Howard asked what's going on at The View. He asked if Joy and Elisabeth are out. Robin said Joy announced that she's leaving. Howard said it's going to be a different experience for him because Elisabeth always makes him laugh and he always beat off to Joy.
Howard said he read about someone who wanted to clone a frog but he was thinking they should bring back Sam Kinison or Hank the Dwarf instead. Robin said they haven't been very successful with the frog thing so far.
Howard said Lisa Rinna said the word shit on the Today show after they had just played a song they bleeped the word shit out of. Howard said it was like someone shot up a movie theater after she said that. In the clip one of the hosts read the lyrics and left out the word shit. Lisa just blurted it out. Lisa said that her husband asked her not to use a four letter word. She said it was in her monitor though. The other host told Lisa that it was S**T.
Howard said they're laughing now but just wait for the FCC to come after them. Robin said they were run off radio because of the FCC. She said that no one else gets in trouble. She said she talks to her therapist about that stuff. Howard said he's not allowed to bring that stuff up in therapy.
Howard said David Letterman must hate his job now. He said he used to be anti establishment. Howard said Selena Gomez showed up on Letterman's show and he asked her about dating Justin Bieber in a round about way and he has to have this childish conversation. Howard played some audio of David asking her about dating boys and how she was dating Justin Bieber. Howard said a few years ago Dave would have been fucking her on his couch. Howard said no one knows anything about Selena Gomez other than her dating Justin. Dave told her he made Justin cry when he was on the show. Selena said that makes two of them then. Howard said that's really edgy.
Howard said he's going to take over the Tonight Show and make it much edgier. JD came in and said that there are a lot of Justin Bieber fans telling Selena to go die after those comments. Howard said those fans are brutal. He said he's had that too. He said people tell him to die and that they hate him.
Howard said Richard Christy got to introduce Coheed and Cambria at Radio City Music Hall. He said he sounds like a demented maniac up there. Howard played some audio of Richard doing his thing up on stage. He was doing a deep voice thing asking if the audience was ready and then introduced them. Howard said he's a lunatic.
Howard took a call from Bobo who wasn't there when he picked up. Howard said he must have his phone under his toupee. Bobo said he was taking his kid to school. He said he loved Fred's show ''The Power of Drops'' last night. Bobo also asked if they're going to put a visual of that at the board as a follow up. Howard said that would be cool.
Howard said he has some ideas for Howard TV. He said people liked Fred's show last night. He said Fred's pal Jackie has his show on tonight. Robin asked if that show changed days. Howard said he has no idea. He doesn't pay attention to stuff like that. Howard said he gave him a show because he's a nice guy.
Howard said Tim deals with Jackie so he doesn't have to. Robin said that's a beautiful way to deal with it. Howard said he did 7 tours of duty with Jackie and that was enough.
Howard said Tom Brokaw wrote a book and he has some audio from it. Howard played a clip that Richard had edited together where they had Tom saying some wild things. Howard said he went all the way to the moon with his book. They had Tom talking about how it's time to learn about bestiality. they had him saying all kinds of weird things and going on and on in one. Howard said they took Ed McMahon's book and did that and he contacted them saying that he was afraid people would think it was really him. Dolly Parton got upset like that too. Howard played another clip of Tom talking about his dick getting cut off and how he cried when that happened. Howard said these are not real clips. He said it's fun to chop up the book though. He said that's why he would never make his own audio book.
Howard said you can go online and type in something about doing family history. He said you can find questions to ask there. Howard said you should ask about their early life and their parents. He said you can ask about the relatives and what it was like when you were born. Howard said you can ask about the things that were invented while they were alive and things like that. Howard said you ask everything about what you've been curious about.
Howard said you can ask about where your parents went on their honeymoon and things like that. Howard said his parents talked about how they felt when their daughter was born and when he was born.
Howard said his dad was making $35 a week when he got married. He said he had them talk about their first apartment and things like that. Howard said hours went by and he wanted to do more but his mother wondered why he was doing this. Howard said he told her why and she kind of brushed it off. Howard said he wants to preserve this history but his mother doesn't care. He said she was so difficult during the whole thing. Howard said he told her to leave him alone with his dad but she didn't want to do that.
The caller said that he heard it's important to give this stuff to your kids. He said they need to know all of this stuff. Howard said he thinks that his mother would have loved to have had that from her mother. He said she acts like it's no big deal. Robin said she's not sentimental at all.
Howard said his dad was really relaxed about the whole thing and he would just say ''it was good'' when he'd ask what it was like when his son was born. He said that's not much of an answer. Howard said his dad went to work the day she was having the baby. Howard said he asked what he did when he got to the hospital. He said he just sat in the waiting room and didn't ask anyone where to go. Howard said just go do this and you'll hang yourself after.
Robin said her dad had Alzheimer's so she wasn't able to do that with him. Howard said she was lucky. Howard said he has to get out of there so they're going to take a break now.
Robin started off asking about Giselle Bundchen not being in the brackets today. Howard said Megan would have beat her too. Robin said she saw her in the paper today. Howard said women wonder how she has kids and still looks great. Howard said it must be genetics. Howard said he'd end up being 500 pounds for years if he got pregnant.
Robin said people are excited that Tiger Woods has come out and said that he's in a new relationship with Lindsey Vonn. Robin said the speculation about him getting back with Ellin can stop. She said they can stop with the nonsense about her waning a no-cheating clause in a pre-nup. Howard said this new one looks just like the ex-wife. Howard said the ex-wife actually looks a little better. Howard said he'd bracket her above the new girlfriend.
Howard said he read about how a bus had to stop because it was taken over by cockroaches. Howard said there was also another cruise ship that had to let he passengers off when their ship failed to run properly. Robin said that's why Chuck Schumer is trying to get a bill of rights for cruise ship passengers.
Howard said he read story about a prison break in a helicopter up in Quebec. Howard said he thinks they made the helicopter out of soap. He said everything is going to hell in a hand basket.
Robin read a story about yoga pants and how there's a shortage of them. Robin said they have had to recall some pants because women are exposing themselves in them. Howard said it must be great being in a class with those. Robin said they say the pants are Lululemon black. Howard said Robin had a dress she wore once that let them see through it in the right light. Robin said you may not be able to find yoga pants.
Robin read that Dr. Oz is being sued by Bo Dietl's brother over something that happened to his feet after putting hot rice on them. Howard said he read the story and it sounds like the guy should have known not to put hot rice on his feet. Robin said you can't really feel anything with your feet. Howard said he read that the guy can't feel anything with his feet. Robin said you shouldn't put something hot where you can't feel it.
Robin said we have a new pope. She said his official induction was this morning. Howard said he watched some of it and it wasn't boring at all. He said that's a wild scene. Robin said huge crowds show up to see nothing. She said there is nothing exciting about the installation of a pope. Robin said she had some audio from the event. Howard played some of those and Fred mixed in Gilbert Gottfried singing.
Howard said Scott the Engineer is a weird guy. He said he got him that bowling ring when he got the perfect score. He said they presented him the ring on ESPN. Howard said he has never heard Scott so animated before. Howard played the clip and Scott was interviewed by a woman on the show and Scott was talking like he had a personality. Howard said he suddenly came to life. Howard said he's not sure who that happy go lucky guy is. Howard said they get Radio Scott. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Scott. Scott came in and thanked Howard for the ring. Howard said that is a pretty good ring. Scott said it says 300 on it. Howard and Fred kept goofing on him. Scott said it's hard to bowl with the ring on. He has to take it off.
Howard said bowling is really something he loves. Scott said it's one thing he can do pretty well. Robin said finally, they found something he can do well. Scott said they had him on live that day.
Howard said he has tape of Scott cursing after he blew a couple of shots. Howard played him cursing himself out and calling himself names. Scott said it's tough out there. He said he was cursing under his breath. Howard said that's the Scott he hears every morning there. Howard said Scott has 8 hours there to rest up before he goes bowling.
Howard said the best thing about bowling is that Scott has no physical improvement from it. Robin said it's not a sport in that sense. She said that he can't breathe and he's still good at it. Howard said he actually looks like a bowling ball. Howard said he had no idea Scott could be that animated. He went into a live commercial read after that.
Robin had more pope clips. She had Howard play those. They had an interpreter for Pope Francis as he was speaking. Howard said it must be important. Howard picked apart the speech a little bit. Robin had a bunch of other clips for Howard to play. Howard also replayed some of the interview clips Tracey Millman and another guy got out on the street with various people. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin said she's not feeling so good about politicians this morning. Robin said there are people who are coming out for gay marriage after changing their minds. She said that Hillary Clinton just came out for it but she knows she was always for it. Robin had some audio of Clinton talking about that. Howard said she's late to the party. Howard said she came out against slavery yesterday too. Robin said that's way off.
Robin read about Roger Goodell talking about sexual orientation at some NFL event. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about that.
Robin read about a police officer who was busted for peeping on his own step-daughter. Robin said he was a New York cop who watched a 21 year old having sex and getting dressed. Howard asked if he's the biological dad. Robin said he's the step-dad. Howard said that's creepy. Robin said that he was arrested and released on bail. He's been barred from having contact with the girl. Howard said he sees that kind of stuff on YouPorn all the time. Howard said he was beating off the other night and remembered Jenny McCarthy talking about massage parlor porn. He said he watched a bunch when he thought of that. Howard said they have categories for just about everything.
Robin read about Lil Wayne being in the hospital. Howard played one of his songs. Howard said he doesn't get it. He said Gary's son must be into it. Gary said he is. He said his iTunes bill is out of control. He said he lets his son get what he wants. Robin asked if he likes his rap on vinyl or CD. Gary said he listens to Run DMC on vinyl. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard said the Baba Booeys are out of control at the golf games. Howard played a clip where someone yelled out Baba Booey at a golf game. Howard said no one ever says anything when they yell it out. Howard talked about what the announcer was saying about how you have to have confidence in this swing. Howard said you need that in every swing. Howard played another clip where the guy yelled out Baba Booey. Howard said they're very bold.
Howard said the announcer in a NCAA game said ''Baba Booey'' during a broadcast. He said that a coach had gone Baba Booey on them. The other announcer said he used the Baba Booey in the wrong context. Howard said he thinks he got it right. He said it's being used as an adjective. He said Gary screwed up his pitch and he Baba Booey'd it. Howard said that's what it is when you screw something up.
Robin read a story about the Wallenda family and how they are a high wire act. Robin said Nick Wallenda wants to cross the Grand Canyon with no harness. Robin said he crossed Niagara Falls last year. He wants to do this in June of this year. Howard said he takes this stuff seriously. He said they've had a career in this high wire act. Howard said he's glad he wasn't born into that family. He said the most dangerous thing they did was mow the lawn.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's excited about coming to San Antonio. Howard said he isn't excited about getting on a plane but he will be happy once he's there. The caller asked if he can shake his hand. Howard said he will fist bump him. The guy said ''Oh come on Howard...'' Howard said he's not sure why that's important. Howard said he shook a guy's hand the other day and the guy's hand was wet. Howard said Beth carries Purell around and he uses it about 80 times a day. Howard said he doesn't want to shake anyone's hand. Howard said 10 minutes after shaking a hand he'll be picking his nose and realize he didn't use Purell. Robin said you can use it too much. Howard said he doesn't care.
Robin read a story about a guy who fell into a tire shredder and lost his legs. Howard and Robin talked about how they have fake legs now and how some day they'll just replace them. Robin said she saw the Iron Man 3 preview and when he falls into his suit it's just awesome. Howard said that was pretty cool looking. He said that he'd love to be Iron Man. He said he'd still be a judge on AGT.
Robin read some news about the father of one of the teens who was convicted in the rape of a 16 year old girl. Robin had some audio of the father talking about how he thinks his son is innocent.
Robin read a story about teen driving deaths increasing in the country. Robin said that they think it might be because of the lack of education.
Robin said there was a car bomb attack in Iraq today. Robin said it was on the 10th anniversary of the attack on Saddam Hussein.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who asked if he's making an announcement that he's taking over the Tonight Show today. Howard said ''no comment.''
Robin said that Evan Metropoulos is going to be in court today for the Hostess case. He'll know today if the merger will take place. Robin wrapped up her news after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Fred's special was great last night but there was a mistake about George Takei clip. Fred said he heard about that. The caller said that it was the clip where George says ''Actually I like to touch'' and it wasn't what Fred described. Fred said he'll take care of that and make a retraction in the next one. They ended the show around 10:10am.
Jon asked who he had in his bracket. JD said he had Jennifer Lawrence, Sophia Vergara, Kaley Cuoco and Mila Kunis in the actress category. He said he had some porn stars in another bracket. None of those made it into today's bracket. JD said he did the original four and then Jason came in and said Gary wanted him to take out the categories and just have hot female celebrities. He said he did that on Sunday and had it printed out. He said there you go.
Jon said Howard played through it and he heard that JD was upset with some of his picks. JD said he never would have had Megan Fox make it past the first round. He said he would have picked Kate Upton over her. JD said he never thought Megan would be up there.
Jon asked JD if he had to leave anyone off that he regrets. JD said that Abby Elliott is in a bracket of her own. JD said he chose what he thought worked and he put who Howard might know in there.
Jon asked JD who his final four were Stacy Keibler, Kate Upton, Kaley Cuoco and Eva Mendes. Jon asked how Kaley made it in there. He said she must be following JD on Twitter. JD tried to get around that question but he said she is following him. JD was telling Jon how he was picking the girls and Jon told him he can't pick them based on if they have kids. JD said he was just talking about why he was going with certain people. He said that's just what was in his head.
JD told Jon how he picked some other women like Vanessa Hudgens over Bar Rafaelli. Jon asked how he could do that. JD said he's just more attracted to her. Steve Brandano was asking if he has something against Victoria's Secret models. JD said he doesn't but he didn't pick anyone who was a Victoria's Secret model.
JD said he had Katy Perry vs Kaley and he gave Kaley the edge because Katy is crazy. Jon and Steve were going through some of their own picks during that discussion.
JD said he had Stacy Keibler beating a bunch of the picks. JD is a big fan. Jon said he had Bar, Brooklyn, Kate Upton and Olivia Wilde in his top 4. He said Olivia ended up winning in his bracket.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Megan Fox is hot but she has two fucked up thumbs. Jon said he thinks everyone there would get past those thumbs. JD said he probably wouldn't. They went to break after that.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Guess the Staffer. He asked Gary if there was any way Howard was going to know anyone's names. Gary said he thought he would know Rob as Rob. He said he thought he'd know Al after telling him that he just gave him employee of the month just last month. He said Howard got mad at him for that. Jon said you could hear it right in the gut when he mentioned that employee of the month thing.
Gary said Robin should be more embarrassed because she worked with Chris. Gary said he knows it's hard when you don't see people every day. He said he thinks that they should have known Rob at least. He's the camera guy out in the hall every day.
Gary said they wanted to do Teddy, Gregg Karmel and Jim McClure next week. He said he hopes Howard isn't listening. He said he's not sure who he'd know. Gary said he thinks he'd know Teddy.
Jon asked who knows more, Robin or Howard. Gary said he thinks it's Howard. Jon and JD agreed. Jon asked Teddy if he'd be offended if he didn't know his name. Teddy said he wouldn't be offended. He said he's under the radar that way.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loved the bracket idea and he loved his Playlist show. He asked how he left out Mila Kunis from the list. The guys told him she was on the list but didn't make it out of the first round. Steve Brandano said that he picked Taylor over her too. Gary said Mila won his whole bracket.
The caller and the guys were arguing about who was hotter on the list. The caller said Taylor Swift shouldn't be in it at all. JD said people like her and he was trying not to be subjective. He said he knows Howard was kind of into her so he put her on the list.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how Jennifer Love Hewitt didn't get picked over Rihanna. JD said she isn't as sexual so he made Rihanna his best over her. The caller said that he called about Katy Perry and Kaley Cuoco. the caller said JD is insane picking Kaley. JD said it was his bracket so he can pick who he wants. Jon said she follows JD on Twitter so he's going to pick her for that.
JD said he likes Katy too. He said she's a little strange with the hair color and she's dating John Mayer. He said that's the worst part.
Gary said that Kaley is cute but she's not model hot. He said that she's the top end of regular girl hot. Jon took another call from a guy who agreed with JD about Kaley.
Gary said they did an ugly girl bracket one year. He said they did another one where they had women over 70 that you'd bang. He said he'll never forget the Dr. Ruth and Madeleine Albright match up.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they forgot one girl. He said that's Kate Beckinsale. Gary said she made it far in his list. He said she made it far in Howard's list too. JD said she's not that hot to him. He said Stacy Keibler beat her out in his bracket.
The caller mentioned Little Lupe and how he had seen some new show she was on. Jon said that as long as they're talking about her they should mention Fred's special from last night. They said that it's re-airing today at 2 on Howard 101. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks JD would make a good announcer. Gary said that could work. JD said he can do it. He said he could do it like him or do it like an announcer. JD did some announcing for Nicolas Cage and Pamela Anderson but he didn't say it like Stuttering John did years ago.
Jon said that Howard has something against Carson and he hates the guy. Gary said he liked him as a host but the more he sees about him the less he likes. He thought he was a good host though.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how much his iTunes bill is. He mentioned that earlier in the show. Gary said he's not sure. He said his son DJs so he has to own the music.
Jon said that Gary's son is DJ'ing a lot lately. Gary said that every night he goes to bed he hears the thumping in his room. He said sometimes he has to ask him to put his headphones on. Gary said he'll ask to listen to Shade 45 or he'll want to put on his iPhone and play his own stuff. He said his son was listening to Macklemore and Ryan about 8 months ago. He said he took his kids to see the Jay-Z and Kanye West concert so he's trying to be a good dad.
Gary said his son listens to a lot of stuff he doesn't want to know about. He said his son did a sampling thing and made it into a pretty cool mix. He said the kid has talent.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard was kind enough to buy that ring for Scott but then Scott was talking about how he could add a lot of stuff to it. Gary said he remembers Howard telling him to get the top ring he could get. Gary said that's not his move.
Jon asked how happy Howard was to hear that clip of Jewel talking about his music. JD said he was smiling when he played it. Gary said if Jewel didn't want to perform the song she wouldn't have done it. He said she would have just passed on it. JD said he should have had her on the list. Gary said she is hot and she looks better now than she did in her 20s.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the best turntable out there are going for $1,300. He said that's what Gary's son should be using. Gary said he does what he can for his son but he's not going to do that.
Jon took another call who said that Gary's son should have a competition against Scott the Engineer. Gary said what his son does and what Scott used to do are completely different.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the rumors are out there about Howard going to Fallon or Leno's show. He asked if Jon thinks that he'd have a job and if Sal and Richard would have a job. He said he thinks that Artie would be good on the show too. Gary said he thinks that Howard would take Robin. Jon said he's not sure how it would go down. Gary said he thinks Richard and Sal would be in there as the writing team. Jon said he'd probably find a home for everyone.
Scott came in and said that Gary is right about what his son is doing. He said he used to do a beat mix where you never really stop playing a song. Scott said he used to have every format with him when he'd go out and DJ. He said he had to carry around so much garbage with him.
Gary said Scott left his DJ equipment at K-Rock and they ended up losing it. Scott said they had borrowed his stuff and he had it all there. He said he was trying to contact this guy about the stuff and he wanted to get it back but they didn't know what happened to it all.
Jon asked Scott if he knows he's a different guy in the bowling alley. He seems much happier and alive. Scott said it's exciting to be in that environment. He said it was different than being in real life. Scott said it would be like Jon hanging out with the Pittsburgh Pirates. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Miss Howard Stern Calls In. 3/21/02. 8:05am
Andrea the stripper who won the Miss Howard Stern title last month called in to give Howard an update on what she's been up to. Andrea who is 21 still doesn't have her high school diploma. She was home schooled so she has to take courses to get her diploma. Howard thought she just needed a typing class but she also needs to take some history class and pass that. Howard asked her a bunch of questions about history to see how she might do on a test..
Wendy the Retard went on to sing some karaoke for Howard before he ended the fun. He asked the two of them a few more questions and then Wendy rambled off her ''shout-outs'' to all of her radio friends. She had so many to ramble off that Howard went to commercial break in the middle of it without telling her.
Andrea does have a web site but Howard wouldn't give it out because they have a picture of him there that he doesn't like. He told her to get it cleaned up and then he'd plug it for her.
Fred's Wife On The Phone To Explain Herself. 3/21/97. 6:50am
Yesterday everyone was talking about their sex lives and we found out that Fred doesn't get oral sex from his wife Alison. Well today they got Alison on the phone to get an explanation from her. Alison says that Fred is lying about the whole thing. Fred was still saying that he doesn't get it often enough. Alison says that she gives it to him ever other week or so. Fred says that he's gotten it maybe once in the past year. Howard believes that Fred is telling the truth. He's known Fred longer than anyone else and he can tell if he's lying or not. Jackie seemed to be the only one that didn't believe Fred. This argument went on for about 20 minutes and nothing was settled. They both stuck by their stories. One thing we found out was that Alison finally quit her acting job that caused so much controversy last year. I guess she's currently unemployed.
Jackie VS Howard - The Results. 3/21/97. 8:00am
Yesterday's big basketball game didn't go the way everyone thought it would. Everyone was betting that Jackie would win the 7 point game. Well the game started off in Jackie's favor. He got his first 2 points within 5 seconds. After that it was all down hill. Howard ended up beating The JokeMan 7 to 2. Howard was ready to collect his money but nobody had their money with them. Jackie bet $200 that he would win. Stuttering John bet $100 on Jackie, Gary had the same bet. Jackie wants a rematch but this time the game would be to 21 points. Howard played the videotape of the game during this segment but it's hard to picture. It sounds like Jackie was winded within a minute of starting the game. That was his excuse for the loss. Next week there will be 2 more games. Jackie VS Gary and Howard VS Fred. That should be another interesting show.
Howard said there's actually video of that scene on the internet. Fred said that he saw it and they were trying to redress the set to keep it the same as he was throwing stuff around. He was actually trashing the set as he was yelling at her.
Lily yells at the director, David O. Russell, and goes off on him as he's yelling at her. This was all during the shooting of the movie ''I Heart Huckabees.'' Dustin Hoffman was in the clip as well telling them just to shoot the scene.
In the clip Robin was reading her news and Howard asked Billy West to do his George Takei impression when Robin read about an upcoming Star Trek movie and convention. Billy went into his voice and ended up telling stories about the other Star Trek stars as Robin read through her story.
Howard said he had to pass wind and asked if anyone wanted to hear. Billy, as George, said he did. Howard let a little one rip.
Robin read about the new Star Trek movie and who will be in it from the original series. Howard said it's all very confusing. Howard asked if the fans go wild for that information. Robin said they must. Howard said he loves Star Trek but he's not sure he'd go to a convention. Howard said he's not sure he'd get that into it.
Robin read that Jay Leno showed up at the Star Trek convention. Howard asked if that's true. Billy did his jay Leno impression and confirmed it. Robin said he was there shooting something for The Tonight Show. Billy did his Leno impression and talked to Howard about why he was there. He had Howard laughing at the impression.
Howard mentioned something about Jackie during a news story so Billy started doing his Jackie Puppet impression. Howard was making some of Jackie's odd noises so Billy did a bunch of those too.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard he had a guy on the phone who was at the Star Trek convention. Howard asked if everyone walks around saying ''Live Long and Prosper.'' The guy said it wasn't like that. He said he was there investigating. He said people had costumes on that they made in their garages. He said they do really weird ones too. He said they'll come up with a character that was only in one episode. The guy said it was unbelievable. He said he saw Leno there goofing on people. Howard asked Jay if that was true. Billy did his Leno impression and told Howard that these losers are more fun than Seinfeld.
Howard said they must generate a lot of money with those conventions. Howard talked to Billy, as Jay, a little more and had him talking about what he was doing there.
Howard asked the caller about what else he saw there. The guy told Howard about some of the Star Trek stars that showed up. He said they had trivia contests going on there too. Howard asked if they were proud that they knew the answers. The guy said they were. Howard asked if anyone was dressed up as Captain Pike. He said that was his favorite episode. Howard said they once had Fred the Elephant Boy play Pike and they had him locked up in a box on the set of the channel 9 TV show. The caller said no one there was dressed like that.
Howard asked the caller about some of the stars that showed up. He and the caller talked about some of the new generation Star Trek stars. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard and the guys spent a little more time talking about those conventions and what the caller had just told them. The caller said they had a thing where people could give their spec scripts. That led to Howard and Billy talking about what they might do with those scripts. Billy did his Takei impression and said that would burn well in his fire place.
Robin got back to her news and read a few stories. Robin read about Garrett Morris' shooting and Fred threw in a couple of Jackie laughs while she read about that. Billy kept doing his impressions as Robin tried to get through her news.
Lisa G's News Preview And Ronnie's Block Party Controversy. 03/21/12. 8:05am
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Lisa said they have a story about Ronnie's Block Party and why they're changing venues for one of their shows. There was a shooting at the club they were booked at. She said they also have a story about Scott the Engineer demanding more leg room on his flight. Howard said that Scott demanded that he be put on the show and now he's making these demands. Scott came in and said that he's not making a demand. He said he just needs and aisle seat or more leg room. He said people do that every day. Scott said they get so excited over this stuff.
Howard said Ronnie and Shuli heard Scott bitching about this. He said Scott wants them to pay more for his aisle seat. Scott said he never said anything about the money. Scott said they're crazy and trying to start something. Shuli came in and said that Ronnie is upset about this and maybe some other things. Howard said Ronnie doesn't want this coming out of his money. Shuli said that he understands Howard asking for more leg room but Scott is an average sized man. Shuli said he watches Scott on the flight and he just stares at the back of the chair and listens to Sirius Pulse. He said it's ironic that a guy with no pulse is listening to that channel.
Ronnie came in and said that Scott called the guy who is in charge of the booking and asked for the seat. He said Scott doesn't really want to go. Shuli said he thinks that's what it's all about. Ronnie said that he knows this is too much travel for Scott but he's doing even more than Scott. He said that he doesn't get why Scott can't go. Scott won't say what his previous engagement was.
Scott said he warned them that he might have a problem with that weekend. Howard said they say that they heard he had a wedding and now the wedding may not be happening. Scott said he has a wedding to go to. Scott said he was joking when he said the wedding might be canceled.
Shuli said they had two dates at the end of the month. He said that the one venue had an issue and they were thinking about canceling. He said they were going to bring it down to one show instead of two. Shuli said Scott thought about going then. Shuli said that Ronnie thinks that he might not want to travel so much and that's the whole problem.
Scott said he's doing all of the shows except for this one weekend. Howard asked Scott if he really has a wedding to go to. Scott said he has the wedding. He said he doesn't know where it is. He said that it's a family cousin. Howard asked what the name of the cousin is. Scott said he has it written down at home. He asked why he's begin grilled there. Howard sake whose side of the family it's on. Scott said that it's on his father's side of the family. Howard said this is smelling like bullshit to him.
Howard told Scott to swear on his son's life that he's going to the wedding. Scott said he won't do that. Howard said he did it last time. Scott said he's not going to do that ever again. Howard said he would bet that he's not going to a wedding. Shuli said he doesn't think so either. Howard said maybe they can put a camera on him.
Jon Leiberman was willing to cover the wedding. Gary said Howard TV said they'd cover the wedding for free. Howard said that there is no wedding. Scott just let them goof on him. Howard said the cousin's name is Sal T Balls.
Howard said when you get in on a business deal like this you can't just back out. Scott said he isn't backing out. He said that this was a weekend he had a problem with. Howard said they're selling shows based on the three guys. He said that he can't just back out like that. Ronnie said they have Debbie the Pet Lady now and they'll book some shows with her instead.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Scott shouldn't get paid $80 to be at the whole show never mind the flight. Howard said that he's right. He said he stands there doing nothing. Ronnie said this whole thing was Scott's idea. Scott said that's not true.
Shuli said Howard is fascinated that Scott does nothing at the show. He said he is too. He said he stands there wondering when he's going to do something. He never does.
Howard said they should have a camera on Scott the whole time. He wants to be fun but he's not. He said it's like when they used to make Richard Nixon try to smile. He said Scott has nothing to say and nothing to do.
Howard told Scott to just admit he's not going to a wedding. Scott finally admitted it. Howard asked why they deal with him. Scott said this has nothing to do with money. Ronnie said that this was all his idea! Scott said he has a personal issue he has to deal with. Howard said Scott lied to these guys. Scott said he's sorry about that. He said he has some personal issues to deal with that weekend. Howard said that's bullshit.
Howard said Scott made a deal with these dudes to make extra money. He said they book one in Arizona and it's a big trip. Ronnie said they have to go to Chicago and then Arizona. He said it's a big trip. Howard said that Scott is thinking it's not enough money. Scott said he's going to San Francisco and that's a long flight. Scott said he has personal issues to deal with. He said he can't do the show. That's it. Howard said of course he has personal issues.
Shuli said that JD is going to go instead. He said if he had to cancel the shows then they all lose money. Howard said it's his credibility too. Scott said they didn't have to cancel any shows. Howard said this is what Jackie used to do to the show. He said that he'd leave the show for months and then just come back.
Scott said he has a personal issue and he's going to leave it at that. Shuli said that he almost backed out of the Connecticut shows a few weeks ago. He said that if he had made it to the finals in the bowling tournament he was going to back out of that show. Scott said it was a joke because there was no chance he was going to make it to the finals.
Howard and Fred did this Scott impressions and goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Howard made up all kinds of excuses that Scott could use for backing out of that trip.
Shuli said he can't believe he's part of this whole thing. He said it's insanity. Shuli said he did this whole thing for Scott to shut him up about not having money.
The caller was saying that Robin's laugh is pretty emasculating. Robin was cracking up at what Howard and Fred were saying about Scott. Howard said you can't go back on your word when they go into business together. Howard said he guarantees Scott has nothing going on that day. He said he guarantees it. Shuli said if you call his house he'll be there the whole day.
Ronnie said if Scott sees a black vehicle with a camera in it shooting video, just know it's them. Scott said he'll call the police then.
Shuli said Scott is running the show off his iPhone and the guys at these events look at them like ''This is a show?'' He said that Scott carries all of his stuff in a plastic shopping bag. Scott said he'll bring a laptop instead next time.
Howard asked Scott how many sounds he has on his phone. The caller said it's probably 6. Shuli said he's probably right. Howard said Scott doesn't spend any time working on this stuff. Fred played the ''Hands Up'' song as they were talking about that stuff.
Shuli told Howard the way things run when Scott is there. He said that everyone wonders what the hell Scott is doing up there. Howard said it must be fun to watch. Shuli said it really is fun. He said he has fun on the road with them. He said he has fun on the road with these guys.
Shuli said he'll prank Ronnie in the car and pretend to be crashing while he's sleeping. Ronnie said he could die from a heart attack in the car.
Howard played some audio of Scott on stage at a show he was at with Artie Lange. Scott was trying to be funny but there was no laughter. Howard said he was losing the audience in that clip. Shuli said you can't pause for a second with an audience like that.
Howard played more of Scott's act and it just wasn't funny. Howard said the best line was when he gets no respect. Shuli said it's too bad he stole that line. The audience was booing Scott as he tried to get them on his side. Scott was trying to tell some jokes and they weren't going over very well.
The caller said he thinks that Scott should do a set at every show. He said he'd be worth the $80 if he did that.
Howard said Scott could write a few lines. He said he can come up with some stories. Ronnie said the funny thing is watching Shuli laughing at Scott when he comes out on stage for the first time.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in and sharing their story. Howard did more of his Scott impression and goofed on him for a little longer. He said he had a picture of Ronnie from the time they scared him in the car. Everyone was laughing. Shuli said that Scott knew they were going to do that and he got scared anyway. He said he screamed like he was really terrified. Ronnie said he was out cold and he really was scared.
Howard said he heard that Jason is upset that he isn't part of the block party. Shuli and Ronnie said they didn't know he wanted to be part of it.
Jason came in and Howard told him he really has to lose some weight. Howard said he's a good worker but he's a fucking mess. Howard said he's too big and he has to stop it already with the fast food. Howard asked if he's killing himself.
Ronnie said that Howard was talking Jason up at dinner one night. Howard said he doesn't like his guys to know what he thinks of them. He said that he really has to cut the bullshit. Howard told him to do weed just once a week. Howard said Shuli can smoke as much as he wants since he's not fat. Howard said Jason has to get out and walk around.
Gary said that Jason does that Fat Guy show and some of his friends have told him that he's going to die if he doesn't get thin. Howard said Jason isn't going to live to go to high places there in his organization. Howard said he has to work on that.
Jason said he knows what Scott gets paid so he wants to make that kind of money. Scott said Shuli shouldn't go around telling people what he gets paid. Shuli said maybe he lies. Scott was getting in his face about this. Shuli said that his personal issues could end up costing them all money. Scott said if he doesn't like it then he can fire him. Shuli said that he's getting shaken down for money so that's when he's going to tell people the kind of money he's getting shaken down for.
Shuli said that Scott knew he had him over the coals and he shook him down for a show. He said that he wanted more money and that's that. Scott said he didn't shake him down. Howard said it is a shakedown. He said Scott was out of line. Shuli said that he does an hour on stage and Scott does maybe 10 minutes max. Shuli ended up yelling at Scott to do his six songs and take a shit load of money for it. He said he won't find that kind of money anywhere else.
Scott told Shuli not to do an hour if he doesn't want to. Shuli said he has to do an hour for the people who paid to see them. Shuli said that they were going to make good money on the Connecticut show and Scott almost fucked them out of that.
Shuli said he told Jason about the money after that shakedown thing. He said Jason didn't go out and tell people how much it was. He said he thought maybe it was him and maybe he interpreted it the wrong way. He said Jason felt it was a shakedown too. He said he was pissed because they're all on the same team and they could all be making money. He said that Scott is making it so it's fucking all of them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie shouldn't be sleeping on the plane when they're flying. Ronnie said there are 12 people on the plane and it's a private jet. The caller said he didn't know that. He said he should be paying attention to what he's doing. Howard said Ronnie does a really good job. He really did.
Howard said he's going to end this. He said when you go into business with someone you can't back out. He said you have to be up front with your partners. Howard said you have to be in it to win it. Howard said to go on stage for 6 minutes and get paid close to $1000, that's a good deal. Howard said he's doing okay with the money. Howard said he could make some real money over the course of a year. Howard said you can't lie to your partners though.
Howard said he knows that Scott would figure out a way to go bowling if he had to go bowling this weekend. He said this is the franchise and it's work. He said he's not sure how else to say it. Howard said he's not sure what to say to Shuli. Scott said they have a booker who takes care of all of that. It's not all Shuli.
The guys were talking about the flight with the legroom issue. Ronnie said that Scott always gets an aisle seat. Scott said he didn't have an aisle seat on one flight. Scott said he's not making any demands and he's willing to pay for an upgrade if he has to. He said he told the promoter that. Ronnie said that's not what he heard.
Jon Leiberman said that they heard that he demanded a seat and Scott did not offer to pay. He said that they were assuming it would be taken out of the travel budget. Scott said he didn't demand. He said he would like an aisle seat or an exit row. He said he just wanted more leg room.
Howard said these guys should sit down as businessmen and discuss what they need and work it out. He said this was a fascinating glimpse into the business.
Ronnie said they're going to do a show in Jamaica and he's sure that Scott won't be able to make it. Scott said he doesn't even know the date yet. Ronnie said it's next March. Scott said he's going to be able to go. Ronnie said this guy is going to sell tickets to a resort and they'll do the block party show. Scott said he's going to make it. Howard said he can't have a family thing come up last minute.
Howard asked Jason what he would do at the show. Jason said he's given it zero thought so far but if he was on the show he would come up with something. Shuli said that's perfect.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jason has already put more into it than Scott has. Shuli said that Jason if funny and he has no problem giving him a shot. The caller said he would like that. Scott told them to go ahead and try it.
Jason said that they do charge for extra leg room on a flight. He said that if Scott calls about that then he knows it's going to cost more. Scott said he doesn't know that. Howard said he thinks he's done with this. He has to take a break so he wrapped up the segment and went to break.
Shaw Blades Performs Live. 03/21/07. 7:10am
After the break Howard had Tommy Shaw, Jack Blades and this guy Will Evankovich in the studio to perform some songs for them. Howard talked to the guys about this band Shaw Blades that they're in. They used to play for Ted Nugent in Damn Yankees so they talked about those days.
Howard talked about Tommy Shaw being in Styx and about working with Ted Nugent. They talked about how Ted ran off and went hunting and left them behind. Howard heard that Tommy had gotten Robin into the Kennedy Space Center while she was down in Florida. He said he knew that Robin would like the place so he knows a guy there and helped her get a tour. Howard said he really wouldn't care about that stuff.
Howard said that Tommy and the guys recorded an album, ''Influence,'' where they covered a bunch of songs. They told Howard about how they just wanted to cover a bunch of stuff like they'd perform while hanging out. They broke into some Simon and Garfunkle ''The Sound of Silence'' for a few seconds. Howard said that was amazing and it gave him the chills.
Howard talked to the guys about their personal lives a little bit and then asked them about the next song they were going to perform. They broke into a couple more songs and sang a little bit of each one including ''Summer Breeze.'' Howard gave them a plug for their album and said you can find out more about them at MySpace.com/ShawBladesInfluence
Artie asked the guys to perform a little bit of ''Amy'' for him so they broke into that for a few seconds. Howard said he hated that song. He asked them to perform this Yes song that he had played on the show the other day. They broke right into it and played ''Your Move'' for him. Howard said he knew it was a difficult song to perform but they did an amazing job with it.
Howard was telling the guys that he looks at them and sees what a joke American Idol is because they're so professional and don't need a show like that and never would. Howard mentioned the song ''Dirty Work'' so the guys broke into a few seconds of that song. Howard joked that he would vote for them if they were on American Idol. He gave them another plug for their album ''Influence'' and for the appearance they're making at BB Kings tonight in the city. They're going to have it set up like a living room in the club and they even let people sit on the couch with them. Howard was throwing out songs that aren't even on their album and they would break into them without hesitation.
Gary asked if they do any Styx songs in the show. They broke right into the Styx song ''Fooling Yourself.'' Howard sounded very impressed when he heard that. He took a phone call from a guy who asked if they were playing in the Boston area anytime soon. They said they're going to be there on Thursday night. Another caller said they actually won him over after playing. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and went to break.
Today's This Date In Howard History was over around 9:10am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:20am.