|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about how he was thinking about something very deep over the weekend. He said he was thinking about one of his favorite songs in the world was a Keith Richards song. He asked Fred to look up this song he's thinking about on that machine over there. Howard said his mother talks about that when his sister looks up something for her. He said she calls it ''the machine.''
Fred found the song Howard was talking about. Howard said Keith sings the song bad but good. He said he has to download this song. The song was ''Take it So Hard.'' Howard said he thinks this is one of the best songs that the Stones ever recorded. He said that Mick would never perform the song. He said Mick should sing it though. He said he should just admit that he should have done it. He said they could keep that internal though.
Howard said he loves that song. He said if he ever gets around to doing a music show there he's going to play that one first. Howard asked Fred if he played it in his music special. Fred said he did not.
Robin said the songs are supposed to mean something to you. Howard said it's just your favorite songs and talk about them. He said all of his songs mean nothing to him. Robin said that's why she hasn't done a show. Howard said he just likes the sound of the songs. They don't mean anything.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he organized a funeral for Walter White in Albuquerque and raised money for charity doing it. Howard said that's dumb. Howard asked how he can raise money doing that. The guy kept talking over him so Howard said he's trying to have a conversation but he can't.
Howard asked the guy who the fuck would give money to something like that. He said he doesn't get it. He said the show is over and that's that. Howard said he finds it hard to believe he raised any money. The guy said they raised close to $17,000. Howard said he doesn't believe it and hung up on the guy. He said he's sorry if he actually did raise money but he didn't believe it.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that they said they took Sacha Baron Cohen out of the Freddie Mercury movie because they thought he was too over the top. He asked Howard how he feels about that. Howard said he hasn't seen the script and he's not sure how he was going to play Freddie. Howard said he doesn't know how to answer that. He said he doesn't know what to think about that.
Howard said maybe they did Sacha a favor by taking him out of that movie. He said the guy should be doing comedies. Fred said he read that Daniel Radcliff is supposed to replace Cohen. Howard said he doesn't care.
Howard asked Fred what he thinks about that. Fred played himself in with the ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred... Wonderful Fred'' theme song.
Howard asked Fred if he doesn't have a Twitter account and he's anti-Twitter. Fred said he's not anti-Twitter but he doesn't have an account. He said people create fables about him. He said someone thought he was anti-Miley Cyrus too and he's really not. Fred said he doesn't have time for Twitter so that's it. Fred said he reads news in other places so he doesn't need Twitter for that. Howard said he follows interesting people on there and you hear their thoughts and read some news. Fred said it's lost on him. Robin said that's because he hasn't tried it. Fred said he has no interest. Howard ended the Fred segment after that. They played the Wonderful Fred theme song again as they were ending the segment.
Robin said she heard that someone is interested in trying to get Howard to go on a safari. Howard asked if she heard that from Jimmy. He said that Jimmy went on one and he was telling him about it but he never said he wanted him to go. Howard said he doesn't go anywhere though. Robin said they said they wanted him to go because of his photography. Howard said Jimmy took some pictures and they were horrible. Howard said they were in a Jeep with some guy and he's not going to do that. Howard said he doesn't want to see a giraffe in the wild.
Howard said he went to a private sanctuary and got to feed giraffes. He said that was right in Florida. Howard said he slept next door to tigers and hippos and all kinds of things. He said he thinks they even had a dragon there.
Howard said he's done that right there in America and he loved it. He said he doesn't have to go anywhere else. Howard said he doesn't really like people. He said he sees them as a burden. Robin said they're just walking down the street. Howard said he was raised to be anti-social from a young age. Howard said his mother would talk about people in the neighborhood and how bad they were as parents. Howard went into his impression of his mother and had her talking about the neighbors. Howard had her talking about a parent being overweight and not being such a great mom. Howard had his mom talking about how her children are in service to her and they're there to make her feel good. Howard asked his mom if that was backwards. He had his mother break down and cry over that. Howard said she tells him about how she tried her best and then she'll cry. He said he has to tell her how terrific she was as a mom. Howard said she'll talk about how she did the best she could. Robin said ''Oh boy...''
Howard asked Robin if it sounds like fun to her. He said that he's not going to like people after going through that. Howard said they work on him 3 or 4 days a week in therapy. He said he sometimes breaks through but that's rare.
Robin said Jimmy told her that he's working on getting him to Italy. Howard said he may get him to go there. He said George Clooney has invited him a bunch of times. Howard said he might just go over there. Howard did more of his mother's impression and talked about how you have to be at someone's mercy if you go to their house. Howard had his mom and dad talking about being at the mercy of other people if you stay with them. Robin asked what they're going to do if you stay with someone.
Howard said his mom had a cataract and she was talking about her one good eye. He said she was uptight about the surgery. Howard said he tried to calm her down. He had his mom talking about how she'd prefer not to do anything. She had the surgery done and now everything is so bright. Howard said she loves it. Howard said she told him about how she thought Ben was buying the cheapest light bulbs but it turned out it was her cataract. Howard said now she can see and it's wonderful.
Howard did his impression of his mom talking about how she can see now and how great that is. He had her asking who that woman was talking. Howard told her it was Robin. Howard said he loves her to his mom and she said ''Okay'' instead of saying she loves him back.
Robin said Howard was talking to her like she was doing too much just like his mom would do. Howard said he's become his mom.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has read the John Varvatos book ''John Varvatos: Rock in Fashion.'' Howard said he hasn't read it yet. He said he ordered a copy but Jon said he was sending him a copy too. Howard said he's excited about it and he wants to read it. Robin said he just won an awards for Men's designer of the year.
Howard said Sal was talking about his wife watching TV in the bedroom and he has to lay perfectly still so he doesn't disturb her. Howard said the guy is so pussy whipped. Howard said you know things are bad when that happens. Howard said Sal can get into bed and make noise and she can pause it.
Howard said Gary has an 8 second rewind on his TiVo. Howard said Sal is the wife in the relationship and he gets yelled at by his wife.
Howard asked Sal about why he can't move. Sal said he has to get up at 4am and he asks his wife to lower the TV. He said that she'll turn it down if he doesn't move. Sal said she has to watch the Hollywood Housewives. He said his wife blasts the air conditioning too. He said he's pissing Slurpees and she's turning the air down. He said she'll ask him if he moved the thermostat and he hasn't touched it. He said he knows better.
Howard said he can't take the cold. He said he couldn't live with that. Sal said that his wife has this super sonic hearing and she can tell when he touches the thermostat. Howard said the kids must be cold too. Sal said they just go with the flow.
Howard said Sal has fucked up so much that his wife has him where she wants him. Sal said things have been working lately. Howard said she has to put up with so much of his shit. Sal said the last thing was when he went up to the wives at a party and tell them that there was a crack in the floor. They'd look down and he'd pull his penis out so it would be in their face. Sal said he knows that was a bad one. Gary said Sal still doesn't think that's bad. Howard said that's almost assault. Sal said it is but it's fun also. He said it's offensive to the women... He said he just came up with that now. He said they're all friends so he wouldn't do that to a stranger.
Sal said he was bored out of his ass and he wanted to have some fun. He said that's why he did it. Howard asked if that was the first time they saw his penis. Sal said it was. He said his wife was on the couch and not laughing. He said she leaves him on his own. He said when his wife became indifferent it was scary. He said she used to care. Howard said his wife must not look at him sexually anymore. Sal said she really doesn't.
Howard asked Sal what he did to get the people to look down. Sal said he's tell them there was a crack on the floor and have them look really close. Then he'd pull his penis out so they'd hit their head on it. Sal said this was at his friend Ian's house. He said he'd done other things there in the past. He said he's done this kind of thing before and he's gotten himself in this situation.
Howard asked Sal about this belief he has about handicapped people. Sal said he thinks that people want to become enlightened so they come back as a handicapped person. Sal said we're all on a path in our lives and that's what some people do. Robin was cracking up at Sal's theory.
Howard asked how one does that. Sal said when you go to heaven you go to God and he's just light and forms of energy. Sal said that you are light too. Howard asked Sal if he thinks that what he does with his penis is all part of the path. Sal said he has thought about that.
Howard asked Sal if he requested from God to come back as Sal. Sal said he must have. Robin asked why he's punishing himself. Robin said he has to live in purgatory in his life. Sal said that's the sacrifice for what we do.
Howard asked Sal more about this handicapped theory. Sal said handicapped people make us feel grateful. He said they make us appreciate life. He said that's how handicapped people touch us. Howard asked Sal how you do that. Sal said you don't ask for it but you ask God to be more enlightened. Howard said that's some conversation you'd have with God. Howard asked if he's ever asked the Long Island Medium about that. Sal said he hasn't but it is in her book. Sal said he read her book cover to cover. Howard said he doesn't believe he reads. Sal said he does. He said he's reading another book now.
Robin asked Sal why he has no memory of this. Sal said he wants to go through hypnosis to find out more about it. Howard said he thinks he was Moe from the Three Stooges in his past life.
Howard asked Sal how far he is into this book he's reading. Sal said he's getting into it. The book was The War of Art. He said he's learning a lot from that.
Howard had a Marriage Tip from Sal Governale bit where they have Sal talking about how to fool your wife into thinking you bought a nice piece of jewelry. Sal said he added a number to something. He said he spent $900 on a ring and he put a 5 in front of it so it looked like $5,900.
Howard said that's how you start a marriage in a sea of lies. Howard played another tip where Sal talks about how you go out with friends to a bowling alley and then to a strip club. He said you take a picture at the bowling alley and then tell your wife that's where you are when you're actually at the strip club. He said you send the picture from the bowling alley to fool her.
Howard played another tip where Sal tells you how to get a hand job after telling your wife that you need exercise after going to the doctor. He said you ride up to the massage parlor and get a handy there.
Howard took a call from Wheels who asked if Sal is teaching his kids to be a bitch by doing whatever his wife tells him. Sal said he's not doing that. Howard said Sal says that Wheels asked God to put him in the wheelchair. Sal said he wasn't saying specifically him. Howard said Sal is saying that he's there to make other people feel better about their lives. Howard asked if he thinks that Wheels is going to ask to come back as another handicapped guy. Sal said he may. Howard asked if Wheels believes that. Wheels said that if he was walking he'd crush Sal.
Gary came in and asked Sal what he would do if his son did the cock trick. Sal said he's too young to be doing that. He said there is no appropriate age to be doing that. Howard said that was a good question. He said Sal isn't proud of his son. Sal said he was so upset when his wife got his kids circumcised. Gary asked if he really doesn't think that it's better that way. Sal said he doesn't.
Wheels said that Sal blocked him on Twitter after making one comment about a comedy coach. Sal said Wheels is blocked by everything, he's in a wheelchair. Sal said he likes this guy. Howard said he can't believe that he's being so negative. Sal said Wheels started it.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Sal's payback is his wife not letting him move. Howard said wheels has more movement in bed than Sal does.
Mariann said she was listing to Sal saying on the Wrap Up Show talking about this stuff and she thinks that there is something wrong with him. She said that he has to give her a fucking break. Sal said he's just saying that if reincarnation exists then people pick how to come back. Sal said that all that matters is what you contribute to life. Robin asked if he chose his IQ as well. Sal said he must have.
Howard said he can't wait to get to heaven so he can ask to come back handicapped with a low IQ. Sal said you don't ask specifically for those things. You just ask to be enlightened.
Howard thanked Sal for coming in and played his ''My Wife'' song parody where he sings about how the bitch married him for his money.
The played another marriage tip from Sal where he talked about jerking off into tissues and pretending that you have to sneeze to make the wife think that you just blew your nose into them. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that's one of his favorite songs from Billy. He said that he knows what Jackie would say about Billy. He did his impression of Jackie talking about how they'd be best friends. Robin said she was at a Billy Joel concert with Jackie and Nancy back in the day. She said they had a cooler with them and they'd scream every time he made a Long Island reference. Howard said he knew Jackie's marriage would be over after he had to make that apology about the Jessica Hahn incident. Robin said she knew it when Nancy hung the marriage license in the living room like it was a degree.
Howard asked where Jackie is. He told the guys to bring him in. Howard said Jackie wanted to read excerpts from Robin's book ''The Vegucation of Robin: How Real Food Saved My Life.'' Howard said it's so weird how thin Jackie is now. He told him he doesn't shake hands now. He fist bumped him.
Howard asked what he weighs now. Jackie said he's about 165. He said at the worst he was like 215 or 220. Jackie said he used to eat the ice cream they had in the freezer in the writing room. Howard said Jackie has kept it off. Jackie said he's been thin for a while now. He said he got fatter when he stopped drinking. He said he started eating more. Jackie said he's not smoking much pot anymore either. He said he likes Robin's book too. He said he's thinking about trying that diet.
Howard said this book is hard to find funny stuff in. Jackie told him to stop it. He said that it's Robin's book and he can pull something funny anywhere.
Howard asked Jackie to just read to him one part of Robin's book that he found interesting. Jackie said he Xeroxed it so his 60 year old eyes can read. Jackie read an excerpt from the book and it was just the name of the chapter he was reading. Jackie was doing his old impression of Robin as he read it. Robin asked if that was really the title of the chapter. Jackie said it was. He said he's not sure who wrote this book for Robin. He went on to read some of the book in his Robin impression. Jackie was reading about how Howard told Robin that we shouldn't eat animals that have personalities. She has stopped doing that. Jackie was cracking up reading that. Howard said he really comes to life when he's reading that book. He said he's seen some of his shitty movies and none of them compare. Jackie told him to stop it. He said he's done a movie with Sean Young where he got beat up.
Howard said Jackie is on Twitter (@JackieMartling) where he posts a joke every day at 4:20. Howard said that Fred has said he will never get on twitter.
Howard said he heard that Jackie and Fred were thinking about getting together. Jackie said he wrote to Robin about her getting better and Robin goofed on him when he wrote to her. Jackie said as a joke he told her if she wanted to promote the book he has a radio show she can come on. Jackie said she said that maybe they'd see each other at the Christmas Party and if not then it might be another year.
Howard brought up Jackie's marriage and said he knew it was over when he had to apologize to his wife for the Jessica Hahn incident. Jackie said he heard Howard talking about the marriage license thing but that's not what it was. He said it was something from the guy who officiated the wedding.
Howard played the audio of Jackie making that apology to his wife about the Jessica Hahn thing. Howard started to play it and Jackie asked if he could say something on the air. Jackie then said he wanted to apologize to his wife Nancy for the Jessica Hahn bathtub incident. He asked Howard not to make a mockery of that. He said he didn't want to bring the show down. Then he says ''I'm done Howard.'' Howard told Jackie he loves him and then told Fred he loves him.
Jackie said he almost got killed over that. He said then Howard didn't even have him in the tub in his movie. Jackie said he's told this story on the air a million times. Howard said this only brought more attention to the whole thing. He said keeping quiet about it would have been more of an apology. He said turning it into a bit was what made it worse.
Jackie said noting really happened but everyone told his wife a story about it and they made it worse. Jackie said the fans know that apology better than the pledge of allegiance.
Howard said he heard that Jackie quit smoking pot but then he got to be with Willie Nelson and he started smoking again. Jackie said he got on his bus and he has this big vaporizer thing. He said that you don't have to smoke it now. He said you get all of the high without the smoke.
Jackie said he quit smoking again. He said he loves Willie and if he hangs out with him again he'll smoke with him again.
Howard asked Jackie about saying that he knows he would have been friends with Paul McCartney if he had still been on the show and got to meet him. Jackie said that people have a bond if they like jokes. He said that most people he meets do like him. He said he knows they don't want to hear that. Robin said that's just not true.
Howard said he has nothing against Jackie but he thinks he sabotaged his career. Howard said they all like Jackie. Robin said she likes him. Fred said he likes Jackie too. He said he likes DDT and Nuclear waste too.
Fred said Paul McCartney hangs out with people like Keith Richards. Jackie said he hung out with Keith and he liked him too.
Howard said Jackie did the Fine Time with Rachel Fine show and he had clips of Jackie saying ''money'' during the interview. Howard played the clip which was all of his money mentions. Howard said he brings up the money all the time. Jackie said that they didn't get to hear the questions. Howard said he always talks about the money though.
Howard asked Jackie if he wanted to read more of Robin's book. Jackie said he got to do a voice of an animated character in a movie called The Fuzz. He said things are going well.
Howard asked Fred if he'll go to dinner. Fred said of course he will. He said Jackie never texts or writes to him. Jackie said he would love to. He said he did call him a few times. Fred said he wants to rewind a few minutes and point out that Jackie isn't 58 like he said earlier. Jackie said he's actually 65. Jackie said he has never been healthier. He said he rides his bike 10 miles and goes swimming in the Long Island Sound. Howard said that's disgusting water. Jackie said it's beautiful.
Howard played some classic bits from the show where they used Jackie laughs and noises in various songs. Howard said he likes the theme song too. He played that and another one where they took his laughs and sounds and turned it into his theme music.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he misses Jackie and Billy West. He did his impression of Jackie. Howard asked if he keeps in touch with Billy. Jackie said he does hang out with Billy and he went to see Dina Martin who is Dean Martin's daughter.
Howard asked Jackie to read more of Robin's book. Jackie read some of chapter 6 ''Eating to Live.'' Jackie did his impression of Robin as he was reading it. Howard said it sounds nothing like Robin. Jackie said it sounds as much like Robin as Howard's impression of him sounds like his voice.
Jackie read that excerpt and Howard asked if he would read the audio book. Jackie said he has started it. Robin said she wanted to read something Jackie wrote. Robin read Jackie's letter of resignation from 1988. It was addressed to Tom Chiusano. Robin was doing her impression of the somber, serious, Jackie. Howard was cracking up at that. Jackie was laughing too. Robin went through the whole letter.
Howard said Jackie is getting fueled up. Jackie said she's going to send that letter to Tom again. Howard said this is like dueling readings.
Jackie said that was something he sent to the general manager that shouldn't be given to the world. Robin said the Off Hour Rockers address is at the bottom of that page. Jackie said Howard swore in 1986 or 87 that he was done with radio. Howard said he does that all the time.
Howard said he really should give Jackie his plugs. He said he loves those more than money. He gave him plugs for his albums, his Twitter account and some Shake it Up Comedy thing that he's doing in Waterbury, Connecticut. He had a couple of other plugs too. You can find out more at Jokeland.com
Howard played another bit they created using clips of Jackie. That one was about the Paul McCartney interview thing. It was ''Delusional Fan Syndrome.''
Howard had Jackie do one final reading. He said Jackie is there with his girlfriend. Howard asked Gary to bring her in. Howard asked how long this has been going on. Jackie said it's been 3 years. Howard said this is the beautiful Emily. Howard said she's way too good looking for Jackie. Howard asked if she would like to be married to Jackie. Emily said there's no reason to rush into anything. Howard said he's looking at Jackie and thinking the same thing.
Howard asked Emily how the sex is with Jackie. Emily said it's funny. Howard asked how they met. Emily said they met at BB Kings at a fund raiser. Howard asked how long it took to get into her pants. Jackie said it was 8-10 months. Howard asked why he would wait so long. Jackie said they went out and then didn't go out for a while. He said they circled back and went out again.
Howard asked if it was hard to be physically attracted to him. Jackie told him to look at himself. Howard asked if she wasn't able to find anyone else. Emily said that she liked Jackie and he made her laugh. She said that she wanted to clean him up and make him great. Howard asked if he's the oldest guy she's ever gone out with. She said he is but he doesn't act his age. Robin said he acts like a child. Jackie asked how anyone in that room can say that.
Howard asked Emily about waiting 10 months and then sleeping with him. Emily said that it was a couple of months. Howard said he had to work for her love. Jackie said he thought it was wonderful. Howard said that's not a great story for Jackie. Howard said he thinks that she didn't think he was the right guy for her. Emily said she likes to get to know someone first. Jackie said Howard played around for a few months after his marriage. Howard asked what that has to do with this. Jackie said he's just trying to change the subject.
Howard asked if Emily lives with Jackie. She said she stays in the city during the week and then goes out to his place on the weekends. Howard asked if she's ever met the drinking Jackie. She said she's only heard stories.
Howard asked Jackie to read another chapter from Robin's book. Jackie told Howard he has to promise to tell Paul McCartney he has jokes to tell. Gary said they get like 30 minutes with Paul and there's no way that he's going to waste a nano-second with that.
Jackie said that Gary is never not entertaining. Howard asked if he's entertained or annoyed. Jackie said ''yes.'' Gary said that he won because he's still there and Jackie isn't.
Howard asked Jackie if he still sends emails to Gary with the word ''AMKE'' (Make) in it. Jackie said that Gary sent him an email asking him if he was still good for the 21st and he was missing a word. He said he couldn't believe after all of what they went through with the ''AMKE'' thing that he'd screw that up. Howard said this is a dangerous room. He said you can't screw up.
Howard asked if Emily has met Nancy. She said she lives two doors down from Jackie. Howard asked if Nancy has a boyfriend. Jackie said she doesn't. Gary asked if Jackie mails the check to her or does Emily walk it down. Jackie said Emily walks it down.
Howard asked Jackie if he asked him to come back to the show but he had to break up with Emily, would he do it. Jackie said no. Jackie said he knows he's just saying that. He said he knows he won't be asked back. He said if he was then she'd be out of there.
Howard asked Jackie to read another excerpt from the book. Jackie read from Chapter 8 ''Be Good to Yourself.'' Jackie read some of that chapter where Robin talks about her trainer and how he suggested she have a goal. Jackie was way over the top with his read. He had Howard and Fred cracking up.
Howard said he thinks book sales will go through the roof. Jackie said he just has to find the letter I in the book and he finds it humorous. Robin said it was meant to be humorous.
Howard said he wishes Emily luck with Jackie. Jackie said that he'll sign Robin's book if you bring it to his shows. Howard gave Jackie some plugs for his upcoming gigs and thanked him for coming in. Howard said that Jackie's show is on Howard 101 on Tuesday nights from 5-6pm. Howard wished Emily luck with Jackie again. He said she can only have better luck than he did. They played Jackie out with one of his songs and then went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that was great. He said he loves when Jackie is on. He asked if he ever heard when Jackie was on Artie's show. He said it was like listening to two ex-wives talking about their ex-husband. He said it wasn't so much Artie but Jackie was. Howard said it is frustrating to get up early when the rest of the world is getting up about 2 hours later. Howard said Jackie knows it was a mistake to leave the show.
Howard asked Robin if she had any sex dreams about Jackie last night. Robin said he never crossed her mind. Howard asked if she got nostalgic at all. Robin said she didn't at all. She said she just thinks of him as a guest. Howard said maybe they should hire him and have him resign again just for fun. Howard said Jackie was so anxious to get on the show that he read Robin's book and applied to be a part of the ''Get my Grandpa Laid'' contest and some other bits they do on the show. Howard said they had to send him a copy of Robin's book. He wanted to pay for the book in jokes so they had to send him a copy. Robin said he did a fine job today.
Howard said Johnny Knoxville is coming in to promote his new movie. Howard said Paramount Pictures asked him to go see a screening of the movie but he couldn't do it. He said they gave him this machine that lets him watch the movie without getting a screener copy. Howard said he has never once let a movie out. He said he will shred the movie or send it back if they want. He said Paramount had him install a box into a rack into a system so he can see these films. He said he wanted to see this movie ''Bad Grandpa'' and they told him that he should watch it. Howard said they gave him this box so he asked them to send it over to him. Howard said they got back to him and said he could have the film. He said he could only have it for 72 hours. Howard said it's in their box and he's not sure how he's going to get it out of there. He said they must think that he's going to record it with his video camera or something.
Howard said they asked him if he wanted the movie last Tuesday. He said he was busy so he asked for it to be there on Sunday. Howard said he had one night to watch it. Howard said they think he's going to drop everything to watch this movie. Howard said he and his wife went home to watch the movie last night. He said he knows Johnny and he wanted to see this movie before he comes in. Howard said he turned on the box and put in the pass code and it was empty. Howard said there was no movie in there. Howard said if he works at Paramount and he's in charge of putting in a movie, how do you fuck that up?
Howard said now he's angry with the movie. He said he's not sure why they had him install this equipment and he still can't see this movie. Howard said he gave up. He said he wrote to Gary and told him what's going on. Gary said they sent a note saying he'd have it Sunday morning for 72 hours. Howard said he'd fire the mother fucker who said that. Howard said the thing is empty and there are no movies there. Howard said if he were Brad Grey he'd fire that person. Howard said they were the ones who started in with that whole thing. He said he and Beth had a long day of delivering a kitten. Howard said they had one kitten to give to some people up in Massachusetts. He said they met Beth in Connecticut.
Howard said that they have placed 36 kittens that would have died on death row. He said he feels like Spoke when he started to get emotions.
Howard said that's very nice. He said people are great. Howard said you can still buy the calendars. He said you can find them through HowardStern.com
Howard said there's a new movie coming out about Robin and her Captain Dennis. Howard played the bit that they created.
Howard played a bit the guys came up with about his cat. They had the voice of a cat talking about the things it hates about Howard.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Jackie was horrible. He said that's the first thing he heard this morning. He said last week they had some great interviews and then this week it's Jackie. Howard said it can't all be perfect. The guy said that no one was laughing at Jackie. Howard said that's not true. He said he and Robin were both laughing. He said Jackie did a good job with his reading.
Howard played a Marriage Tip from Sal Governale where he suggested buying light mayonnaise and put a regular label on it to keep your wife from gaining weight. Howard said that was the last of the tips from Sal.
Howard said they took Benjy's ''Ehh'' clip and put it to music. He played one song that they had put the clip into.
Howard took a call from a guy who sounded awful. Howard said he has to pick up from the speaker. The guy said he just took him off speaker. He asked Howard what's taking so long for Pearl Jam to come on the show. Howard said they put requests out all the time and they have to pick up on it. Robin said they can't force people to do the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been a huge fan forever. He said he's not sure how Bobo does it every day. Howard said he sees him on the phone at 5:30 in the morning. The caller said he loves Howard but enough with the kittens. Howard said he knows some people feel that way but he sees these cats that are about to be killed and he can't do nothing. He said he's not talking about it that much. Howard said he doesn't want to take up the whole show with that stuff but he has mentioned a few things. He said he knows it can be annoying but they need people to buy the calendars. The caller said he was just busting his balls and he could listen to him talk about anything.
Howard said it's terrible what's going on in this world. He said people can't handle raising the pets they have and they don't do anything about it. He said people are fucking retards. He said that's why you have to step in once in a while. He said he knows it's annoying. He said he needs to be made king of the world and he'll take care of all of this.
Howard took a call from a guy who was rambling about the people he grew up near and how Dwayne Allman would go riding down his street and their dog would knock over all of the motorcycles. Howard asked Fred where the Twilight Zone music was. Fred played that as the guy was rambling. Howard said he has no idea what the guy is talking about. Howard said he's not sure what the story was there and he's not sure how that guy gets through life. Howard said he heard Artie Lange and then Dwayne Allman.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's going to take an exam and he's wondering what the hell is going on in this world. The guy was on his way to take a medical exam at Tufts University. Howard said he must have been good in high school. The guy said he did. He said he just buckles down and does what he has to do. Howard said he lived with Dr. Lou and about 5 other guys in an apartment. He said these guys went through high school like it was nothing. He said then they get into Med School and they have some problems. The caller said he had some issues like that. He said he had to pull some all nighters.
Howard said Lou and some of the guys barely opened the book. He said it was that easy for them. Howard said hew as so envious. Howard said this guy Todd never opened a book. He said he'd build a bridge out of tooth picks. Howard said it was like nothing for them. Howard said he's so envious of that kind of intellect. Howard said it's mind blowing. He said that's what being Superman is like. Howard said his parents must be proud. Howard said he finally got a good call. He said it's been tough this morning.
Howard said he wants to point out something racist. He said in the news they reported that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes were possibly dating and the NY Post was asking if they're really dating. Howard said that seems to mean that they're shocked that they're dating because Jamie is black and Katie is white. Robin said she was thinking that it was because Jamie is Tom Cruise's friend. Robin said Howard could be wrong.
Howard said the Black Entertainment Awards were on. Howard said Snoop Dogg was hosting but he thought that he was Snoop Lion now. Robin said Howard might be the only one who was going along with that. Howard said Snoop was back stage and asked people if they wanted some weed and no one said a thing. Howard played a clip of Snoop talking to Floyd Mayweather and telling him to come back and get some ''Sticky icky, icky'' if he wants to get his mind straight.
Howard said they went to Two Chains on the hip hop awards. Howard started to play the clip but said he has to say that he just doesn't get it. He said he's not into that kind of music. He said he hates saying that because it makes it seem like he's so out of it. Robin said there is some music that he likes. She said he says he doesn't like country music but there is some that he likes. Howard said he does like Willie Nelson.
Howard had another clip where MC Lite was lecturing men about cursing women out all the time and telling women that if they want to be treated like a queen they should act like one. Howard said that was a good message.
Howard said this is some awards show. Howard said he had Snoop Dogg ending the show and thanking people for not beating each other up.
Howard said that's some show. He said he had a clip of a woman freaking out on an airplane. Howard said she got on the plane and she was apparently a religious nut. Howard said she was screaming about Jesus being her savior. Howard said you know you're screwed when you have this on your flight. Howard played some of the audio and the woman was screaming at the top of her lungs. She was screaming ''God you're my savior'' over and over. Howard said that would go along to the Metallica song ''One.'' Howard told the guys to make a mash up of that. Gary said they were about to land when she was doing this. Howard played more of the audio and you can hear the woman say ''Don't fucking touch me'' when someone touched her. Howard said she didn't miss a beat when she did that. Gary said some people were laughing but there were people who were horrified while this was going on.
Howard said he has a clip of a guy mouthing off to the cops and he gets Tased and shuts the fuck up. Howard said you know he goes down when he goes silent. Howard played the clip from a recent episode of COPS. The cops were asking the guy to show some ID and the guy refused and kept walking away and mouthing off to the cops. The cops threaten to Tase him and he invites them to do it. He said a Taser won't work and he tells them to do it. He refuses to comply so the hit him with the Taser and he goes silent. Howard said that Taser is so great. He said it just shuts them up.
Howard said some guy from TMZ got a hold of Rush Limbaugh outside a restaurant and asked him something about Howard Stern running with Jesse Ventura and Rush say's he's never heard of them. Howard said if you don't want to say anything then don't... but at least come up with something good. Howard said they turned that 17 seconds into a 3 minute bit. Howard played the TMZ clip where they explained the Ventura / Stern thing and then the Rush clip where he says he has no idea who the guy is talking about when he brings up Howard Stern and Jesse Ventura. The TMZ people turn that whole thing into a story. Howard said they have to fill a half hour every day. Howard said they went on an on talking about Rush in that clip.
Howard said when those TMZ guys turn on the camera you just have to go with it. Howard said their whole show is a 20 second clip of someone running away from the camera. Howard said he was on there recently and he was running away from the camera. Howard said it's really great.
Howard said he was reading that Bruce Jenner wants to become a woman. Robin said she thinks that must be because of his surgery. Robin said maybe it was the marriage break up that led to that rumor.
Howard said Kim Kardashian keeps tweeting out pictures of her ass. Robin said she's a new mom and people are shocked by that. Howard said that is some Tuchas she has. Howard said he knows some guys dig that. He said he's not into that.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks and started to goof on how awful his phone sounds by muffling his voice and talking about women's feet. Fred started doing a similar impression where he's unintelligible. Howard and Fred were going back and forth mumbling and goofing on King for a minute.
King said everything they said was true. He said older black women like to teach you something like that MC Lite was saying. He said that's what they do. King said that he does the opposite when someone tells him what to do. He said they want to be men like him but they can't. Howard said you have to strain so hard to hear what King is saying. He said it's like he's under water. King asked him what he wants him to do. Howard did more of his muffled impression of King and said some things unintelligibly. Howard said no one else sounds like that on their phone. King said he's in his sweeper.
Howard said from now on he's going to talk to King like he talks to him. King said in 2 years he can retire at $74,000 a year. Howard said that has to be half his salary. King said he's making like $70,000 right now. He said in 2 years he retires based on what he's made in overtime. Howard said that's pretty damn good. Howard said he put in 20 years as a street sweeper and he's going to make $74,000 a year for the rest of his life.
Howard said state workers have the best medical insurance. Howard said he has the worst. He said that they don't pay for anything. Howard said his daughter went to the dentist the other day and they don't take his insurance. Howard said he gets a bill and he just pays it. Gary said he must be out of network. Howard said maybe he is. Gary said he has a $45 copay and he has to pay $150 to get a check up and that's because of the 3 copays he has to pay. Robin said she was covered for the big stuff with her cancer.
Howard said this guy King has the greatest job. He said you can make fun of him as much as you want but the guy is 46 and he'll retire in 2 years. Howard said he's not sure how we absorb these costs as a nation. Gary said that everyone works overtime in the last year to jack up the price for retirement. He said he's not taking a shot at King but that's what all government workers do.
Howard said he's not sure how we absorb those costs. Howard said that the pension is a great idea but then they give you Social Security and he knows teachers who were making like 200 grand. Gary said that they get a full pension and then go out and get another job to get two pensions. Howard said it's a great deal. Howard said that's the move.
King said that people say he gets money from his dad but he has a house that's paid for. Howard said he lives like a mogul. Howard said he really has to go. King said he has an important question to ask but he'll ask another time.
Gary said he got $210 back on a $2800 root canal that his wife had. He said their coverage sucks. He said the big stuff is what they cover you on though. He said it's the stuff like Robin had that they save you on.
Robin said that she was going to renew her disability insurance and they weren't going to cover anything if it has to do with cancer. She said this came up right before her cancer thing.
Gary said he saw the company he was with on 60 Minutes and they were saying that they do anything to avoid paying.
Howard said he read that Kate Upton is dating a guy, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, from Dancing with the Stars. Howard said he's not sure what the guy is making working on that show. Howard said this guy is playing it down. He said he's not getting too excited about it. He said if he was then he'd blow it. He said if he got all excited about it then she'd be out of there.
Howard said as soon as you let on how excited you are then you've blown it. Howard said you have to act like you're just fucking some girl you met.
Howard said that chick from the Blurred Lines video is appearing topless in GQ magazine. Howard said she's really growing her career.
Howard said he was reading about Casey Kasem and he was thinking about how you didn't have any personal connection to the guy. He said all he did was a countdown show. Robin said she feels bad for his family that doesn't get to see him. Robin said they're saying the end appears to be near though. Howard did his impression of Casey talking about how you can't go from a death dedication to an up tempo song. Howard said we all have to go out but it's just a question of how. Howard said no one knew he'd be going out from Parkinson's disease.
Howard said he had the perfect life. Howard said he was always filled with neurosis and angst in his career. Howard said Casey bought a whole office building with the money he made from that countdown gig. Howard said that was some gig he had. He said he has some nerve getting upset. Howard played the outtake of Casey getting upset about a pet dying and then going into an up tempo song.
Howard said he sounds a lot more relateable when he's angry. He said you don't even feel like he's paying attention to what he's reading. Howard said it's no wonder he had Parkinson's. He said he's like a robot reading that stuff. Casey ends that clip saying ''This is ponderous... fucking ponderous.'' Howard said that's the career he should have had. He said it's a dangerous thing though. He said he could have ended up in Portland, Maine or something like that. Howard said he thinks that guy had the best career of all time. He said it's amazing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he saw Jason's picture on Instagram last week. Howard said he did. The caller said he thought he wasn't fat before he saw that. He said he looks like a modern day T-rex with those tiny arms he has. Howard said your arms don't get longer if you get fatter. He said that T-rex was a strange creation. He said that thing couldn't use its arms. Howard said he should take a break and then get to news. Howard said Johnny Knoxville will be there tomorrow. He said Gary saw the movie so maybe he can do the interview.
Howard came back and brought up that Ronnie bit and wondered what the hell he was talking about. Howard took a call from a guy who said the most beautiful girl back in the day was Jenna Jameson. He said he saw her on a show last night and she's a train wreck now. He said she didn't show up until the last minute of the show. He said she looks awful.
JD came in and said that she showed up in the last 2 minutes of the show. He said she had Joker lips on the show. Howard said plastic surgeons should have to legally say something to women who are into surgery so much. Robin said there aren't ethics among the plastic surgeons. Howard said Jenna was a porn star that looked insanely good looking. Howard said she could have been a model. Robin said she had a lot of plastic surgery from early on.
Howard said at some point you just can't do anything and you just have to get old and let it happen. Howard said maybe you should do some stuff but not everything. He said you may not know the line and then you fuck it up. Robin said that they get cartoon faces and it looks odd.
Howard said now she's writing books. Howard said she's writing fiction. He said that she's writing stories and he's not sure if she can really do that on her own. Robin said someone said that Bill O'Reilly is writing his own books but he can't be writing them. Howard said they keep getting on the best seller list and he doesn't know of anyone who actually owns any of his books. JD said he heard that he has a guy who goes out and does all of the work and then he re-writes it the way he wants to. Howard said that seems like the right way to write a book. Howard said he knows what it's like to write a book. He said he spent a summer in his basement writing his.
The caller said he gets pissed off at life and when he listens to the show he forgets all about it. He thanked him for turning his life around when he's just angry at the world. Howard thanked him for that. The caller said the fact that Howard worked in his shitty home town of Detroit just blows his mind.
Howard said he remembers working there and driving to the studio. He said he stopped in a diner to get breakfast on his first day. He said he thought he was going to get killed. He said everyone looked at him like he didn't belong there. He said he was the only white guy there. Howard said he figured he probably shouldn't go back. Howard said it was interesting though. He said everyone was hating Japanese cars when he first moved there. Howard said that you'd get your tires slashed if you lived in Detroit and drove a Japanese car. Howard said people were bored there and consuming a lot of products at the time. He said they were even making money at the station and they had the worst station. He said they were rated dead last there. Howard said he figured they'd get better but they ended up switching to country and made even more money. Howard said they were the only ones with country music.
Howard said when he was in Hartford he got a call from a guy in Columbus, Ohio and his name was Tom Tuber. He said that they wanted him to take over a morning show there and they had like a 34 share. Howard said he didn't want the job. He said it could only go down from a 34 share. Howard said he didn't want that pressure. He said he wanted to go where they had a 1.1 and become a hero. Howard said that's his advice to broadcasters. He said you go to a shitty station and bring them up. Howard said they went to Washington and turned the station around there and they hated them even more than before. Howard said he never gets any love in his life. Howard said the GM there wondered why they didn't talk about him in the articles. Howard said the guy hated him.
Howard said the guy in Washington tried to sign him to a shitty contract and he took him to jog. Howard said the guy had no problem getting naked in the locker room at the gym they went to. Howard said he was on the track running and he didn't want to run himself. Howard said he wanted to go into the schvitz to sweat with him.
Howard said having a small penis is horrible. He said he goes to the bathroom and tries to pee and nothing comes out. He said he sweats bullets worrying that someone is going to come in. Howard said no one can see his cock but he still worries. Howard said he can't tell his psychiatrist. He said big cock guys are always relaxed. He said they don't mind peeing in front of other people. Robin said she's not sure why men have to pee together. Howard said it's not cool.
Howard said it's so vile when you walk into a men's room after someone has just taken a crap. Robin said they were at K-Rock and she had to go really bad so she went into the ladies room. She said she was just finishing up and this sales woman walks in. She said they knew her for a long time and she let out a sigh from the smell. She said the smell shocked her.
Howard said he has it down to a science now. He said some people think you shouldn't sit but squat. Robin said that she has one. She said that she has a Squatty Potty. Howard said he didn't know that. Robin said that cave men squatted. Howard asked if she uses it every time. Robin said she was using it right after surgery more. Howard said he walks around until the shit is halfway out of his ass. He said he flushes as it's falling. He said he has it timed out perfectly. He said there's hardly and odor. Robin said he says that until someone walks into the room and says '''Ugh!''
Howard said he wants to go fast but there's always half a doody up there. He said he has to pull out the doody with his wipes. He said it gets all gummed up. He said he doesn't stop wiping until it's all clean. Robin said she's not sure how he could use a Squatty Potty. Howard said he thinks that it would work. He said it's gravity at work.
Howard read about the Squatty Potty and said he wants to be part of that. He said it says that you are at the correct angle when you doot. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Robin said she was in a store this weekend and they had a version of Rich Girl playing. Robin said that Howard brings up songs he likes all the time. Robin said this is someone covering Rich Girl and it's by Lake Street Dive. Howard played the song and said that is pretty good. He said they lost him on one part but he said he likes the woman's voice.
Howard said that's good but not as good as the X-Pensive Winos song he played earlier. Robin said everyone in the health food store was singing and dancing to that song in the store. Howard said Robin is always busy with something. Robin said everyone was singing along to the song and it was really catchy.
Robin said she has to congratulate Homeland. Robin said it made the first two episodes worth sitting through. Robin said it was brilliant. Howard said that he doesn't see the show when it airs. He kept shushing Robin so she wouldn't spoil anything. Robin said Howard is going to love it. Howard said he thought last week's was good. Robin said this one explains everything. Howard said they were in some shitty city last week. Robin said it was Caracas, Venezuela. Howard said it looks pretty scary there.
Howard and Robin talked about Sal's theories about what happens when you die. Howard said you know that he's never right about anything so he just ruined the afterlife for people.
Robin said at the end of last season's Homeland Brody killed the vice president by changing the code of his pacemaker. Robin said that's apparently possible. Robin said that Dick Cheney was able to make adjustments to his pacemaker to make sure terrorists couldn't kill him. Robin said they removed the wireless features from his. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Robin said she thought that was pretty amazing. She said she had no idea that it was possible. Robin had some audio of Dick Cheney talking about that too.
Robin read about a 22 year old single mom who picked up the lunch cost for two furloughed soldiers. Ellen Degeneres hear about that and had her on the show to give her a check for $10,000 and a 50 inch TV. Robin said they never do anything like that. Howard said that's because they take off on weekends.
Howard said he read about a woman who had a dead baby in her bag and got caught shoplifting. Howard said you'd think you'd hold off on the shoplifting if you have a dead baby in a bag with you. Robin said that girl was a straight A student too. Robin said now she's getting death threats. Howard said the baby had been dead a while too because it stunk.
Robin said there's a study that says buying breast milk on the internet may not be safe. Robin said they found that 3 out of 4 samples found on the internet were high in bacteria.
Robin read a story about President Kennedy's brain matter being missing. Robin said they think that Robert Kennedy stole it to hide any drugs or illnesses his brother had. Howard did his Kennedy impression for a short time and then read a live commercial.
Robin read a story about an upswing in train suicides with the NJ Transit. Robin said that they have a suicide hotline number at the train stations now. Robin said 21 of the 26 deaths on the NJ Transit were confirmed suicides. Robin said some people lay on the tracks and listen to music while waiting to die. Howard said that's such a violent way to go. Howard said if he was going to do that he'd do it with medication. Robin said maybe they do it to make people feel better about their own lives... like Sal would say.
Robin read about some mortgage thing that's going on and Howard said that story gave him a headache. He got in a plug for the Hottest Nude Mother / Daughter contest that's going on. Gary said they only have one entry so far. Jason said if you enter you have a good chance of winning. Gary said they have 3 grandpas coming in on Wednesday for the Get My Grandpa Laid contest. One of the guys is 91 an he's not sure if he's had an erection in the past 20 years.
Howard wondered what happens when you get to be 91 and you can't get hard. Robin said it all has to do with circulation. Robin said if the blood can't get in then it can't get hard. Robin explained to Howard what happens and why the penis can't get hard. Howard said she knows how to make an erection yucky. Robin said it's blood that pumps it up. Howard asked how he'd know that. He said he thought it was a bone.
Robin read a story about the government shutdown and had some audio of Ted Stevens talking about how the politicians aren't listening to the people. Howard said he thought it was the tea party asshole who were fucking everything up. Howard read a live commercial a short time later.
Robin asked what the most important part of picking a partner for life is. Fred played George Takei saying ''Musculature.'' Howard said he's right. Howard said being your best friend or being attracted to them or respecting them. Howard said maybe they let you move around in bed while making noise. Robin said a survey found that love should be the most important factor. Howard said that would be important. Robin asked if Howard believes in soul mates. Howard said he does not. Howard said the idea of someone being born just for you is ridiculous. Howard said ''the one'' doesn't exist either. Robin said half of the people surveyed think ''the one'' exists. Howard said Sal's soul mate is sitting across from him now. He said Sal and Richard are meant to be.
Robin read about how more people are finding dates online. Robin said they found that 9 percent of all adults have used an online dating service. Robin said 23 percent of the users have gotten married. Howard said if you can't meet someone in your everyday life then there's something wrong with you. Howard said you probably meet hundreds of people a day in your life but you have to go online to find someone. Robin said many people have used this to find someone. Howard said he thinks the internet has ruined our society in many ways. He said he loves the internet but it's bringing people like Bronys together. Howard said they used to feel strange but now they think they're normal.
Robin said a gay couple was married by Cory Booker early this morning. Robin said it's now legal in New Jersey for gay couples to marry. Robin had some audio of Booker doing his thing at a gay marriage. Robin said a protester was taken out of the wedding when they were performing the ceremony. He was yelling out that this was not legal in the eyes of god. Robin had audio of one of the guys talking about how he thinks that his god loves him. Howard said he tried to set Robin up with Cory Booker. He said he's going to be a senator now.
Robin read about how people are still spanking their kids. Howard was shocked at the numbers that she gave him.
Howard took a call from Ira the Weather guy from the Jay Thomas Show. He wanted to give a weather forecast. Howard ended up hanging up on him. He said he's going to stop taking calls today. He wondered what the hell was going on today.
Robin read a story about a father who posted a video on Facebook after his son committed suicide after being bullied. Robin said that he was trying to get a message to the kids who bullied him that this was wrong.
Robin read that U2's new song is out in a Nelson Mandella biopic. Robin had some audio of the new song in the movie preview. Howard liked that the song was being talked over in the clip.
Robin read about a 33 year old Justin Bieber fan who got plastic surgery to look like Bieber. Robin said that the guy spent nearly $100,000 to look like Bieber. Robin said the guy has a fear of aging. Robin said Justin has some new music out too. Robin had a clip of one of his songs.
Robin read about how some groups are protesting Katy Perry's Pepsi campaign. Robin said that they're upset with her marketing the sugary drink to young people. Robin said Katy hasn't signed on for a long time commitment. Howard said he thinks that stuff is ruining our kid's lives but if they want to throw him a few million to promote it he'd do it. Howard said he'd endorse honey in Butternut Squash soup for a million. Robin got a laugh out of that.
Robin read about the Boston Red Sox and the St. Louis Cardinals going to the World Series. Howard said he should know about that stuff but he really never got into sports. Howard said he doesn't care if you can hit a ball. He said he has things to do. They ended the show a short time later. They were done at 10:20am.
Gary said that he's not a comedian so he's like a rat in a corner when Jackie is goofing on him. Jackie said it's never personal. Gary said that he would get Jackie sidetracked by bringing up Nancy and how much he spent on her career. Jackie said it's deflection and you want to shift the focus. He said it's simple math.
Jon said that Howard brought up that apology to Nancy and he thinks that he has it right. Jackie said Nancy was so crazed over the whole thing. He said that they were supposed to go to Europe the next day and she said she wasn't going to go so their therapist told him to do what he had to do to get her on the plane. He said it made sense to him to do that. He said it may have been faulty logic but he had to do it. Jackie said he got on and did it. He said they ended up getting on the plane and they had the greatest time in the world.
Gary said they were on the bus with Jessica Hahn and this is so great. Jackie said he got home and Nancy wouldn't take a call from him. He said they just became number 1 in Philadelphia. He said on their way there they were drinking and getting stoned. Gary said they had a nice tour bus that they took down there. Jackie said this bomb went off on his way down there. He said he was freaking out on his way home. He said he went home and Nancy was crazed. He said she got so mad that she stormed away in the car. He said he opened up his suitcase and these cock suckers had put Jessica's wet, pink negligee in his luggage. He said he ran out and threw it over the fence so Nancy wouldn't see it.
Gary said he's not sure how it got in there. He said he had nothing to do with it. Jackie said maybe it was stuttering John. Jackie said it was the most harmless but harmful prank of all time. He said he wished he had thought of it. He said that should be in the Smithsonian.
Jon asked Jackie if he thinks that no one in the studio likes him. Jackie said he doesn't think that. He said he and Robin have been great friends for a long time. He said she sacked a whole Sternac bit he did once. He said he called her the C-word after that and she came in laughing and he told her to get the fuck out. He said he didn't stay mad at her for long though.
Gary said Robin froze Jackie out for a few weeks after one of his contract negotiations. Jackie said it was too much fun to hold that against her though.
Jon asked Jackie about his relationship with Fred. Jackie said Fred is the fastest, most funny guy. He said you think he's cheating because he's so fast with the come backs. He said they've always had fun too.
Jon asked Gary why he thinks people think there's something between Jackie and Fred. Gary said he thinks that Fred was upset with Jackie for leaving the way he did. Jackie said that he never just didn't show up. He said everyone knew he wasn't going to be there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has hated him for years. He said he celebrated him when he left but today he was genius. He said it was the best thing ever in the past 10 years. Jackie thanked him for that. He asked what makes this different than any other day. The caller said it was the absence of Jackie and having gall of that anger come rushing back today. Jackie thanked him for that.
Jon asked Jackie about his reading of Robin's book and how he felt doing that. Jackie said he thought the book was going to be a cook book but it turned out to be a gold mine. Jackie said that any chapter that came across as pompous was a good one. He said that was ever chapter. Jackie said that anything with the letter I in it was great.
Jon asked Jackie what he thought of Robin reading his resignation letter. Jackie said that was brilliant. Gary said he wanted to find the second resignation letter for her to read because that was the one where he said they were the Beatles of radio.
Jon asked Jackie about what he had to say about Paul McCartney. Jackie told a story about hanging out with Willie Nelson and how they share jokes when they get together. He said that he figured that he and Paul McCartney would do the same kind of thing if they got together. Gary said Jackie is a funny guy but everyone says the same thing about meeting someone like Paul McCartney. Jackie said he's convinced that he would get along with him. The spent a few more minutes talking about that and then went to break.
Gary asked Jackie what his best day was and what his worst day was on the show. Jackie said he doesn't know. He said it's become such a fond memory. Gary asked if it was the day he walked off the show. Jackie said there have been so many great days on the show. He said he really doesn't know. Jackie said his memory doesn't go there. He his mind doesn't work like that.
Gary said one of the days where Jackie got his balls broken was when he did free plugs for a hotel in Florida for free rooms. Jackie said that was great radio so he can't get mad. He said he made it sound so subversive but it was great.
Jon asked if he wrote jokes to hit himself. Jackie said he did and Howard would turn it on him for turn it on Fred or Robin. Jackie said Howard told him to never edit himself. He said he would edit himself. Jackie said that he had to be careful and sometimes Howard would look over at him like he had just crawled out from under a rock. Jackie said he once wrote a joke about a guy who was dragged to his death behind a car. He said Howard looked over at him and went to break. He said that he had written the line ''Polish Water Skiing'' and Howard had to have a talk with him. Gary said that's the incident Greaseman got in trouble for goofing on.
Jackie said he drew a picture of Gary once and Howard would look down at his notes and think he was going to see a joke and he'd start cracking up.
Gary said one day he went into the studio and Howard and the guys were all dressed in smocks and berets so they could paint pictures of him. Jackie said that was the only week in 15 years that Howard got off at 10 so they could paint Gary.
Jon gave Jackie a plug for his Twitter. He asked Jackie if he does it all for plugs. Jackie said yes. Gary said Jackie also name drops but he only does it with people he knows. Jackie said he brought his co-host with him today and that show is Jackie's Joke Hunt which is on Tuesday nights at 5pm.
Gary said that Jackie dropped a bunch of names today during the interview. Jackie said he does mention some but today he did it because it was part of the story he was telling. Gary said that no one knows who he's talking about though. Jackie said they do today.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that is the best job in the world and he considers him a part of the Stern family. He said he always will be. The caller asked what he misses the most about not being there on a day to day basis. Jackie said he misses the money. He said he doesn't miss getting up in the morning. Jackie said it's such an unnatural thing to get up and laugh for 4-5 hours a day. He said it's an abnormal thing. He said that's what you really miss. He said the laughing and laughing keeps you young and happy.
Gary said their organization is 50-60 people now but back then it was 4-5 people. Jackie said it was great fun every day too. Jackie said at some point at the end of a show he'd say ''That was a great show.'' He said he'd just say it and it was a real thing.
Benjy said he figured that when Jackie left he was ready to go if they had said no. Gary said he gets the question. He said Jackie was ready to go. Jackie said he was fried and he wasn't taking care of himself. He said he's not sure if he was really ready. He said it was the greatest job in the world and he had a great time but he was a mess. He said he's not sure if it was a mistake or not.
Jackie said he would still be on the show if he could go home and take a nap or go to bed early. Jackie said now all he wants to do is take a nap. He said he's 65 years old now and he can't wait to take another one.
Gary said there were nights when they were out on a ''school night'' and Jackie could not leave a party to get home. Jackie said that was in him for whatever reason. Gary said he would put a self imposed curfew on himself and Jackie never stuck to anything like that.
Jon gave Jackie a bunch of plugs for his upcoming appearances and wrapped up. Jackie said that you get a filthy joke on Twitter every day at 4:20. They went to break after that.
Jon said the other thing that happened is that the stuff that Sal busted Gary about is all about Sal's own life. Sal said he thinks that Gary has a Voodoo doll at home that he uses.
Jon said that Sal told a story about showing his dick to some friends. Jackie said the program director at K-Rock came in and showed his dick in the studio. He said his name was Mark something. Gary told him not to give out his last name.
Sal told the story about how he would tell someone to look at a crack on the floor and then he'd take his dick out and the people would pick their head up and his penis would be out. He said he did it to about 5 women. Jackie said he knows a famous comedian's son who was brought into the bathroom by Milton Berle and he stuck his cock in the kid's hand.
Gary said Sal almost got beat up by Ron Jeremy after he put his balls on his head. Sal said he thought that he would have a sense of humor but he threatened to kill him for doing that. Gary said Sal had that incident but it didn't make him think anything about taking his cock out.
Jackie said it's just funny though. He said a cock is funny in the wrong place. Sal said he's been saying that for years. Jon asked how all of that is enlightening. Sal said that enlightenment is relaxing. He said that you do something to make someone feel better. He said when you affect someone in a positive way then you're doing good. Jackie said if you make someone laugh it does help their day.
Gary asked Sal if he knows what the word enlightenment means. Sal gave his definition and the guys didn't seem to think it was quite right. Gary said that he's not sure he's enlightening anyone with his comedy.
Jon said that they heard Sal's marriage tips and he wondered if people are going to follow those. Sal said comedy comes from true events. Gary said he heard those this weekend and they're so real and genuine. He said he doesn't think Sal made any of them up and he really feels that way.
Sal said one of them is Save and Send. That's where you take a picture with buddies at a bowling alley. Then you go out to the strip club and send the picture from the Bowling Alley to your wife.
Sal told Jackie about going to a massage parlor to get a hand job and you tell your wife that you have to get some exercise because that's what the doctor told you. Sal said these things can help keep your marriage together.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wants to help open up Sal's mind a little bit. He asked if he has ever done any of this sexual stuff to a child. Sal said no way. He asked if he's insane putting his cock in someone's face. He said he'd kill him if he did that to him. Sal said every husband that was there he asked permission for. He said that he did it to one wife first and the husbands asked him to do it to the other wives. Jackie asked what he calls that trick. Sal said he calls it the Crack in the Tile trick.
Jackie asked more about this trick and where the head of his dick hits these people. Sal said they go down and they come up to see his cock. He said you hit them in their face with your penis. Jackie asked if he's making this up. Jon and Gary said he's not.
Jon asked Jackie if anyone from the show stays in touch with him. Jackie said none of them really have. He said he saw John at the Tonight Show about 6 months ago and he sees Billy once in a while. He said that the Christmas parties are fun though. He said it's an hour or two of a ton of fun.
Gary said that he and Jackie get booked to do a lot of things together. He said he's not sure why he doesn't ask him to get together.
Jon asked if Gary has changed at all. Jackie said he doesn't think anyone has. He said the show is so great. He said that the first time he sat down on the show it was Howard, Fred and Robin and today it was Howard, Fred and Robin. He said that they're different but the same.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks he's at the same level in his relationship with Jackie. Gary said no. He said they don't work together anymore. Gary said that his girlfriend said that Jackie acts like a kid but that's a compliment.
Gary said he can't believe that Jackie was 65 pounds heavier at one point. Jackie said he was the size of a house. He said he would at that ice cream they used to get there and he would pick out the almonds and line them up. He said he really was that fat. Jon said he had to wrap up the show after that. Jackie got in a few more plugs and they ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about Leslie West's birthday being today. Howard said he's 68 years old. He said it's also his mom's birthday. Howard said happy birthday to her and did a little bit of an impression of her. Robin said his impression is so good they don't even need her anymore.
Howard said he has mostly Mountain music on his iPod these days. He said their music was very good and not every song was great. He said the combination of those guys was so great. He said all of the good ones had Leslie singing on them. He said Felix would sing in a lot of the ballads. Howard asked Fred about one song and asked which one it was. Fred said he can never remember the names of the songs. Fred played ''For Yasgur's Farm'' and Howard said that's Felix singing in the beginning. He said Leslie comes in later in the song. Howard told Robin to listen. He said that's Leslie playing those riffs. Then Leslie starts singing. He said that's the chill factor. Howard said that Felix and Leslie traded off singing.
Howard said there's another song that he wants to play but he can't remember the name of it. Robin asked why they never played more of that at DC 101. Howard said the program directors don't understand greatness. He also said that they weren't in the Woodstock movie so they didn't get as much play as other bands did. He said the record company didn't give permission for them to be in the movie.
Howard said Leslie was massive and he was so big that his guitar was lost in him. He said he was like no other rock star on the planet. Howard said you'd see him and wonder ''what the fuck is that?'' He said it was beautiful and scary. He said he's such a talent too.
Howard had Fred play another Mountain song. This time it was ''Never in My Life.'' Fred threw in some Hanzi and Benjy clips while he was at it.
Howard asked when that one was recorded. Fred said he's guessing 1970. Howard said Leslie is 68 years old today. He changed that to 68 years young. Robin asked how Leslie is doing. Howard said he and Leslie write back and forth. He said he's doing well.
Howard said Leslie has a new album out called ''Still Climbing.''
Howard said that there are some really funny bits in the movie. Howard told Robin about one where he gets his cock stuck in a soda machine. He said he only saw 20 minutes of this but it was really funny. Howard said he had a funeral for his wife and knocks over his wife's body and goes around asking for dates with other women. Howard said it was really good. He said he likes Johnny too. He said Beth really likes him too. Howard said he told her to stop talking when she was talking about how much she likes him. Howard said he tried to tell her that he's not that great. Gary said his wife is the same way.
Gary said there's one part of the movie that's so funny. He said Johnny and this kid go to a restaurant and have a farting contest and he Grandpa ends up shitting on the wall. Howard said he can't wait to see the rest.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he ever saw Leslie's first band The Vagrants. Howard said he didn't see them. The caller said he saw them. Howard asked if he wanted a medal or something. The caller said he saw them on the World's Fair fairgrounds in Queens. Howard said he went to the fair there but didn't get to see the band. Howard said Rich got disconnected and it wasn't him. He said he didn't hang up on him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Jimi Hendrix once said that he was into Leslie West when he was first starting out. Howard said it was an honor that he got to hang out with Leslie. He said he really is a great guy. He said he lost a leg and he still has that spirit.
Sal came in and said that it's time to pull the wings off the fly again. Howard said he thinks he's working on a 4th or 5th grade level. Sal said that his grammar isn't that great but Will is his editor.
Howard told Sal he wants him to put the apostrophe in the right place in these questions. He said ''Billy wants a new jacket.'' Sal said the apostrophe goes in ''wants'' after the T. Sal said he knows this is so simple. Sal kept saying it's after the T. Then he said it's after the N. He said it's ''WAN'TS.'' Howard said he's seen Sal do it both ways. Sal said if it's pluralized then you put it after the T. Howard said it doesn't require one at all. He said it's a trick question. Howard said he does that in every sentence. Howard said he puts it after the N.
Howard asked about ''They're'' and Sal got that one right. He asked a few more and Sal was getting some right. One sentence was ''That's Jim's new car.'' Sal was leaving out the one after Jim. He corrected himself. Howard asked if ''Sal's a moron'' requires one. Sal said it does. He said it's Sal's.
Sal said that Will is a jackass. Howard said he's not. He said he got wants wrong. Howard said his definitions aren't that great either. Howard asked him what ''vicinity'' means. Sal said it's an area. Howard said that's close. Howard asked what melancholy means. Sal knew that one. Howard said maybe he's on a 7th grade level.
Gary told Howard to ask Sal some other questions about the definitions. Howard asked him if he knows what a metaphor is. Sal gave an answer that was kind of in the general area. Robin said it was in the vicinity. Gary said they did this on tape and Sal got 2 out of 10 right. Gary asked Sal to pronounce a word. He wrote down posthumous. Sal said it wrong. Howard said it the right way for him.
Howard had the audio where they asked Sal for definitions of words. They asked him what the word Millennium meant. Sal said it was a million but then a thousand years. They asked him about words like hypotheses, transpose, eradicate, loquacious and ambiguous.
Sal was answering close to right but a few weren't close at all. Howard said he's not sure what he's saying in some of those. Howard said he has to read some books or something. Howard told Sal what the words really mean but said he's not sure why he bothers. Howard said he could ask him again and he's sure he won't remember what they mean. Sal said he would. He said they never did talk about what posthumous means. Howard and Robin told him what it meant. Sal said he had part of it close.
Sal said Bad Grandpa really was great. Howard said he only saw 20 minutes of it. He said they sent him like 80 copies of the movie but now he has no time to watch it.
Howard said Sal is a pisser. He said he can't believe he wrote ''Wan'ts'' in his email. He said he thought that his computer would tell him it's wrong. Fred said that you may have to select it to make the correction. Howard said he has to take a break to keep things on schedule. He went to break after that.
Howard played a clip where Eric was talking to Jon about being out of a job and Eric was making a lot of noise when he'd say words like ''luck.'' Eric was talking about how he blames Obama for the government shutdown and for the lack of jobs. He blames the republicans as well. Howard asked who can put up with that phlegmy voice. Howard played more of the clip and picked apart everything Eric was saying.
Jon asked Eric what he's qualified to do. Eric said computers and anything else. Robin said she loves people who say that. That doesn't help them at all. Howard said it sounds like he's gargling.
Howard played another clip where Jon asked Eric if he has health insurance. Eric said he has it through Medicaid. Jon asked Eric if he's heard about Obamacare and the problems they've had with the web site. Howard said he could have said ''I don't know'' but he has an answer for everything. Eric was talking about how Obama should give free health care to everyone who doesn't have a job. Jon asked him again about the glitches on the web site. Eric said Obama should fix that as well.
Howard said Eric knows the word Obama. He said he has tons of clips. He said he should just play the whole show. Robin said he's not a great thinker.
Howard said they have a clip of Eric saying nothing but words with the letter K in them. That's where the phlegm gets bad. He played that and then played another clip where a caller was telling Eric he has to stop blaming other people for him not being able to find a job. The guy said Eric is a freeloader. Eric said he's not anymore. Howard said he loves when Eric argues. He said you can't be a tough guy with that voice.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks that Eric will think that the Washington Redskins should change their name. Robin said no. Howard played a clip where Eric said he doesn't think they should change their name. Eric said that's been their name for all this time. He said it would be stupid if they changed their name. Eric said they should just leave it alone and keep it the Washington Redskins. Howard said he could play so much more but he won't.
Howard said he was walking out of the building yesterday and a woman said hello to him coming out of the bathroom. He said he thought it was Jenna so he said hi and asked how she was doing. He said he had to ask Ronnie if it was her. Ronnie said it wasn't but then an hour later he said it was her. Howard said she was in pretty bad condition on that show but she seemed fine when she was up there.
Howard played a clip of Jenna on Good Day New York. She was speaking very slow and did sound a little out of it. Jenna was explaining the new book she has out and why she wrote it. The hosts of the show were trying to pull some stuff out of her and she wasn't saying much.
Howard played more of the audio and said that she claims she was just exhausted. Howard said it made him kind of sad to see that. He said that he has a spot in his heart for her. Howard said she was one of the people who said she came out of the porn industry unscathed but she actually came out scathed. Howard played another clip of Jenna slurring her words and speaking really slow. Howard said he thinks that she quit porn and it ruined her. Howard said you should stay in porn. He said that might be the message they got from this.
Robin asked if Jenna is coming in there. Howard said no. He said he thinks it would be kind of boring if she came in there in that condition. Howard said it was the visual with that clip that people are taken with. Howard said you can't take your eyes off the screen. He said it's good book promotion though. Howard said he would ask Jenna what's going on if he had her in there. Howard said he's not sure he'd want to put her through that on the air.
Howard said he won't be making a personal call either. He said he has his own issues. He said maybe Tom Arnold can call her since he likes doing that shit.
Howard played another clip where Jenna was asked about being intimate with someone when she's in that industry. Jenna said she was good at that and she said that she can be monogamous when she's working. Howard asked how she can be monogamous if she's working and fucking other guys. Howard said maybe Sal gave her the meaning of monogamous and she's confused.
Howard said that went on and on. Robin wanted to know more about her marriage. Howard said the marriage is over. Jenna was married to Tito Ortiz. Jenna said that everything is going to go okay. Then they cut her off and ended the interview. Howard said things are not okay. He said he doesn't think they're together. Howard said he hasn't stayed in touch. Howard said based on what he heard someone may have had a stroke. He said maybe she's on medication or something.
Howard said Jenna was on Andy Cohen's show and she was very nice to him. Howard played a clip from that show and she sounded like she wasn't ''exhausted'' in that clip. Howard said she was the hottest girl who ever did porn. He said you'd see her in the movies and think she was really hot. Howard said she was in his movie too. He said she got totally naked and she was able to act too. Howard said the number of people trying out for that part was kind of thin too but still... She was good.
Howard played more of the audio where Jenna said she was going to be on the Stern Show next week. Howard said maybe she should come in. Howard told Gary maybe they should reach out. Gary said he can make a call. He asked if tomorrow was good. Gary said they only have the Getting Grandpa Laid contest. Howard said they can do that. He said that they can have Tom Arnold call in too.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she got her North Shore Animal League calendar and she loves it. Howard said he did all of the photography in that and you should get one too. The caller said she's glad Robin is doing better. She said they made her day yesterday so she thanked them for being there.
Howard said that today is just another shitty day. He said life will kick you in the fucking ass. He said you just have to expect it to be shitty and hope to come out of it okay. Robin said most days are good. Howard said she's wrong. Howard said he lived as a child for many years with the notion that no bad things should happen to him. He said when something shitty would happen he'd wonder why it happened. He said life hands you shit and some good things. He said don't be shocked when life hands you shit.
Robin said the shit doesn't happen all the time. Howard said it will happen though. Robin said you have to enjoy when it's not shitty. Robin said you can't do that if you're expecting shit.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked how the Jerry Seinfeld ''Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee'' went. Howard said he had a nice day with Jerry but it went a little long. He said they got into a lot of topics and they drove around a lot. He said they went to a supermarket and hung out and it was kind of fun. He said fun is banging so it wasn't that fun. Howard said he has no idea when it airs. He said Jerry doesn't write or consult him on any of that.
Howard said he was talking to Jerry about the things he has hanging in his office. Howard said he told Jerry about the cover of MAD magazine that he has hanging in his office and Jerry has one too. Howard said he loved that they put him on the cover. He said he was honored. Howard asked if Johnny is there yet. Gary said he's not on until 8. Howard said he doesn't have to take a break then.
Howard said Riley Martin was getting shit on his show last night. He played a clip where a caller asked about symbols he sells and how he ruined his. He asked if he can make him a new one since he wiped his ass with the first one. Riley's comeback wasn't that great so Howard said that's why people call in and goof on him. He said his comebacks really aren't that great. Howard said you know he's fuming after that.
Howard played another clip where a caller told Riley he's a valuable asset on the channel. Riley said if he wasn't then he wouldn't be there. The caller said that Howard is there banging a hot blonde while Riley is there getting a hand job from Eron. Howard said that's some show there. He said they do it from Riley's house with an ISDN line. Howard said he thinks that he's just there in his house and laying down.
Howard said he's going to play something really gross. Howard said a guy Richard's age shouldn't be doing this anymore. He said he was puking up champagne and chicken wings. Howard said he hasn't puked since he was sick in college. Howard said Richard shouldn't be doing this at his age. Howard said he was about 18 or 19 the last time he puked. He said this is something that goes on all the time with Richard.
Howard played the clip of Richard throwing up and it was really violent sounding. He was heaving and a lot of fluid was coming out. Howard said he loves that he taped it.
Howard said they had a show on last night called ''I Kissed Robin Quivers Roundtable.'' They had David Arquette, Jim Florentine and Penn Jillette as guests. It was a bit they put together with clips of the three guys. Howard said Robin missed that show. Robin said she didn't know it was coming on or she would have listened.
Howard said he was playing a song parody about Robin and Beth loved it. He said it was by Psych. Howard played it for Robin. Howard said he didn't even know what song that was. Robin said that's the song Royals by Lorde. Howard said he doesn't know that song very well. He said you don't even need to know it.
Howard played another one from Psych where he sings about Robin's bra. Howard said Beth was giggling at them last night so he figured he should get them right on the air. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and asked where Jackie is. Howard said they had him on the show yesterday and when he was done he sent another resignation letter.
Howard said Jackie was a big hit on the show yesterday. He said he had some email to read about that appearance. Howard read one email about how awesome he was on the show. Some people wanted him to sit in more often. Howard said someone said they should bring him back for the final 3 years of the show.
Howard said some people weren't so thrilled with him. Howard read some of the email and one person said he's never heard of Jackie. There were people who asked to never have him back on the show again. Howard said he was running about 50/50 in the email.
Howard sang along with the Mountain song and Robin knew the lyrics better than Howard did. Howard said it's funny he's the Mountain fan and Robin knows the lyrics better.
Howard read an email from someone who asked if he had read an article in Rolling Stone about Ginger Baker. Howard said he had some email about King of All Blacks and how annoying his calls are. Someone said that his face is fat so that's why you can't hear him. Howard read a few others about various things about the show.
Howard said President Obama should get the guys who created and run YouPorn. He said whatever it is they use works great. Howard said that they're the ones who are using the internet better than anyone. Howard said he was talking to someone about streaming and they were talking about how difficult it is. Howard said he doesn't see any problem with the guys over there. Howard said that's how you make money on the internet, you get into porn.
Howard said he was thinking that the woman who fainted behind Obama was a plant. Howard said if he becomes Vice President he'll be doing that all the time. He said he'll be saving a life a week. Robin said he kept giving his speech after catching the woman.
Howard said he was thinking about what Robin said about going to dinner with Jimmy Kimmel. He said Jimmy wants to take him on safari but that's never going to happen. Robin said he should have seen her reaction to that when Molly brought it up. Howard said he's been on Safari his whole life. He said he grew up in Roosevelt Long Island. Howard said he doesn't need to go on safari. He said Africa is a picnic compared to Roosevelt. Howard said he couldn't stay in the car to see what was going on. He had to walk the streets and get attacked. He said he's had enough of that for a lifetime. Howard said he isn't going on any safari.
Howard said someone wrote to him about this international rice research thing where they found a rice that fights blindness and other things. Howard said that Robin can't hate that rice. Robin said she never said that she hates rice.
Howard said he and Robin are going to picket this rice organization. Robin said she doesn't eat grains. She said she never said she hates rice. Robin said she does want to congratulate Whole Foods because they're going to start labeling GMO foods. Howard said they're going to protest rice together.
Howard said he thinks that her cause is hurt by her hate for corn. Robin said she doesn't hate anyone or anything. Howard asked what she would picket, corn or rice. Robin said she's not going to picket anything. Howard said she has to pick one. Robin said if she has to pick one she'll pick corn.
Howard said he owns a mirror that was on the ship that was the sister ship of the Titanic. Howard said that ship went out the same day as the Titanic. Howard said he liked the mirror and it was pretty pricey. He said he just read that they sold the violin from the ship for $1.6 million. Howard said if you want an instrument from a disaster then he'll sell you Gary's trumpet.
Howard said he's so out of radio. He said that the CMA announced their broadcast winners. Howard read the names of the people who won and it was people like The Doc and Andy Show. Howard said maybe this is country. He read some other morning crews and wondered what kind of budget they have. Howard said he's never heard of any of these people. He said he's kind of not interested in that stuff anymore. Howard said they're in the world of satellite so it's a whole other fucking deal.
Howard said the guys took some Hanzi audio clips and made a prank call. Howard played the clip and the guys called a radio show with clips of Hanzi talking about how much he contributes to the show. The show took another call from Hanzi who was getting all revved up and cursed. The women didn't get upset. They stayed calm and just moved on.
Howard said he doesn't know how they stay so calm. Howard said maybe Hanzi needs to ease up on the corn. Howard played a song parody about Hanzi to the tune of the Rolling Stones ''Angie.''
Howard said he had some porn clips where guys are cumming really loud. Howard said these guys insist on ruining porn for guys. Howard said the guys are supposed to disappear so you forget they're there.
Howard played the audio of the women responding. One woman said Benjy, one said it was Ronnie. Howard said that Ronnie picture is the one where his beard is black with the Batman logo shaved into it. Howard said the picture of Gary is where he's all teeth. Howard said the picture of Benjy is one where he's in a hat and you can't tell he's bald.
Howard played more of the audio and some women were picking Gary and JD. There was one woman who picked Howard because of his curly hair. Howard said everyone got a couple of votes. He said Benjy fared the best though. Howard said he got slammed on the least attractive. He played some audio where women were picking the least attractive. Fred got hit in that one too. Gary took some hits as well. Ronnie had a couple of votes as the least attractive too.
Howard said if you saw the pictures you could see why they picked Benjy. Howard said Benjy is not the best looking.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked Fred what happened to King Norris. Fred said they're in hiatus. He said that won't last too much longer though.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden. Tommy asked if he's seen the interracial commercials lately. Howard said he has. Tommy said it's shocking when you see it. Howard said it's still shocking to this day. Robin told them to wake up.
Howard said George Takei was talking about how he had met Martin Luther King Jr. at the National Press Club. Howard said George knocked Brad's weight again in the middle of this. Howard played the clip for Robin. George was talking about how he met Brad after being with a bunch of men before that. George said that Brad was a runner and he was ''lean... then.'' Brad was there with him. Howard said George just can't resist knocking Brad's weight. George always blames Howard's show for that but it's George who can't resist doing it.
Howard said he has a clip from a TV show where they found this guy who is in love with his car and he sleeps with it. Howard played a clip where this guy was talking about how much he loves the car and how he has a sexual love for it. Howard said the move is to not have him graphically explain it.
JD said they've played clips of this guy before. He said this was an update on the guy. JD said he thinks that he licks the cars and rubs up against them. Howard said he thinks that he sticks his cock in the gas filler or something. Robin said he sticks it in the tail pipe.
Howard played a clip of the guy talking about how he's had a love of cars and helicopters and he's had sex with 1000. Howard said if you goof on the guy then he won't do the show. Howard played more of the guy talking about his experiences. They had one clip where they said he lost his virginity to a neighbor's Volkswagen Beetle. Howard said he didn't lose his virginity to a car. He said they never cast any judgment over these people. Howard said it's all perfect. Howard said the fucking guy is a freak.
Howard played some audio where they talked about the guy's favorite car ''Vanilla'' and some other cars he keeps to have relations with. Howard asked what this guy looks like. JD said he looks kind of like Mel Brooks but with more hair.
Robin said she knew a woman who was married to a guy like this. She said that broke up the marriage too. Howard said he would break it up too. Robin said she kept finding stains in his underpants. Howard said he thought she was kidding. Robin said she knew her a long time ago and she was devastated by the whole thing. Howard asked what the car was he was in love with. Robin said it was one of those crazy cars but she doesn't remember. Robin said she found the stains which were like black soot. Robin said that's how she knew it was the tail pipe.
Howard said you'd think she'd rather find him with another woman. Robin said that's right. Howard said he'd never stick his dick in a tail pipe. He said he couldn't fill one if he wanted to. He said he's not big enough to fill one. JD said he thinks that it's more about laying next to the car and masturbating. Howard said he has to take a break and get to Johnny Knoxville. He said he has to talk about how hysterical the Bad Grandpa movie is.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she got her calendar. She said it's great. Howard said she donated to charity by buying it. Howard hung up on her and went to break.
Howard came back and said that it's his mother's birthday. He said Johnny Knoxville is there and his movie looks very funny. He said he's seen about 25 minutes of it so far and it's very funny. Howard said he'll Johnny why it's funny.
Howard said they're interviewing Johnny and not Bad Grandpa. Howard asked if he's doing any interviews as Bad Grandpa. Johnny said he has and it's tough. He said he didn't do them on camera. He said he did some print interviews and you really have to be on your toes. Johnny said they came out okay but they're just different. Robin said Daniel Day Lewis doesn't have to do them as Lincoln. Johnny said he barely stayed in character the whole time.
Howard said he had a whole fiasco with the movie. Johnny said he heard and he was upset about that. Howard said he saw about 20 minutes of the movie last night. He said it's very funny. Howard said he was pissing his pants and so was his wife. He said he thinks he has a monster hit on his hands. Johnny said it was a huge deal since they did a story with the movie. Howard said it's a whole movie and they go from one stunt to the next. He said Johnny is the Grandpa and he has a little kid with him. He said the scene where the bed is folding is great and it's quick. He said they move right along with it. Howard said Johnny was eating crayons or something at a Bingo game.
Howard asked how long it took to do this. Johnny said they filmed 60 days over 10 months. He said they'd shoot in 2 week intervals. He said they'd prep for a couple of weeks and then go out and shoot.
Howard said in one scene Johnny gets his dick stuck in a soda machine and he's trying to pull it out. He said Johnny stands there and it must take hours or days to get reaction. Johnny said with public pranks you have to keep fishing. He said that penis prank was written a long time ago. He said he had a fake schmeckle. Howard asked why he calls it that and not a cock. Johnny said that they had an 8 year old kid on the show so that's why they were doing it that way. Johnny said he's been with the kid so long that he's using different words.
Howard asked how long it took to get reactions. Johnny said they shot something in the morning and they had more to do in the afternoon. He said they got that whole bit in about an hour or hour and a half. Howard asked if they had to get permission from the gas station. Johnny said they do. They also have to get permission from the people involved too. He said most people will sign and let them air it.
Howard asked Johnny about the bit they did where his wife dies and he knocks over the body. He said they called people in from a funeral parlor. Johnny said they hired a bunch of people to do the funeral. Howard said they all sit down and they prank them by knocking over the casket and the body rolls on the floor. Howard asked if some of the people don't want to be on camera. Johnny said the people who were blurred said no. He said he didn't think that anyone would sign. He said some people were so relieved that they said okay.
Howard asked what's on his hand. Johnny said he ruptured a tendon in his ring finger and he has to keep this thing on for a few more weeks. Howard asked if that was when he was on ecstasy. Johnny said it was.
Howard said Johnny was somewhere recently. Johnny said he was at a college and they were filming promos for the movie and they were screening it for the students. He said that people were handing him beers and whatnot. He said at one point his heart started pounding. He said he realized that someone had given him ecstasy. He said he was so happy when he found out that someone dosed him. He said he hadn't been on it since he was 20. Howard said Johnny gets happy but most people would be upset. Johnny said he texted his producer that he was dosed with X and his producer asked if he needed a hug.
Howard asked how he fucked his hand up. Johnny said they narrowed it down to him either falling on the table or grabbing the basketball net.
Howard said Gary has seen the whole movie and he told him about Bad Grandpa shitting on the wall. Howard asked how much it costs to set that up and how they do all of that. Johnny said he's not sure of the exact cost. He said they have a special effects company that helped with the set up. He said they had a trigger for him to push to make the shit come out. He said they did two lunches. He said they had breakfast there and lunch there. Howard asked how they set it up. Johnny said the producer said that he and his grandfather used to have farting contests. He said they thought that was funny and they did the thing with the projectile shit in Jackass 3 but it was perfect for this movie.
Robin asked what they use in the shit. Johnny said they use brown stuff and chunks and they used some smell so it seemed real. Johnny said this stuff smelled kind of salmon-like so it was bad.
Howard said the special effects are really good. He said the cameras must be really well hidden. Johnny said they are. He said that they ask the shop owner not to tell anyone even the employees. He said that the hostess had to know at the restaurant but that was it.
Howard said that the kid in the movie is great. Johnny said he really is. Howard said he heard the kid hit a reporter in the nuts on the set. Johnny said the kid does do that and they've tried to have a talk with him about it. Howard said that's as great as when Johnny had to have an intervention with Steve-O.
Howard asked if the kid punched him a lot in the nuts. Johnny said it was 273 times. He said he kept count. Johnny said the kid's name is Jackson and he calls that fist ''the Jackson 5.''
Howard said Johnny does this farting contest and then he shits on the wall. Johnny said they were getting out story points before the farting contest. That leads to grandpa having an accident and he makes a Jackson Pollack on the wall.
Howard said he heard about another bit they did where they were in an all black strip club. Gary said they were in a biker club and he though they were going to beat the crap out of someone. Johnny said he doesn't care if someone hits him. Johnny said he's good at bringing someone to the brink of hitting him and then calming them down.
Johnny said he had 4 people help him out with the disposal of a dead body. Howard said that's a great bit. He said the moving guys he calls are willing to help him out. Johnny said he asked some other guys to dig a shallow grave in the back yard. Johnny said they did that and he asked them to help bury her and they actually helped do it. Howard asked why they didn't put that in the movie. Johnny said that they were doing a road trip movie and he did this just to see if he could do it. Johnny said that one guy signed and the other didn't. He said that they can't put that in the extras. Howard asked if that kills him. Johnny said it's heartbreaking. Howard said they must have a ton of shit they can't put on. Johnny said they have some video where they enter the grandson in a girl's beauty pageant and it angered so many people. He said there was an ex-cop there who really laid into him. He said no one knew that the kid was a boy. He said they thought it was a girl. He said the dance routine he did may have been a little inappropriate. Johnny said it's something that you'd see at Scores.
Howard asked Johnny about the fake balls he had hanging out at times. Johnny said he had two sets and one was long enough he could tuck them into his socks. Howard said Gary saw one part where he goes to a strip club and it's all black strippers. Grandpa is dancing on the stage and his balls fall out of his underwear. Howard asked if anyone comes over yelling and screaming. Johnny said he was in that club for an hour talking to everyone and one of the dancers almost punched him right at the beginning. He said he said something to him and he got pissed. Howard said he asked him if he had a big Tootsie Roll in his pants. Johnny said the guy got really angry and told him to sit the fuck down.
Howard said at one point Johnny is trying to get his cock out of the soda machine and he almost falls over. He said a guy caught him and he was a real guy who helped him. Johnny said he did help. Johnny said that no one tried to help get his dick out of the machine. He said sometimes someone will call the cops. He said they always have a cop there to tell them that things are okay.
Howard asked Johnny about his daughter from his first marriage. He said he knows he went to therapy after his first marriage ended. Howard said he read that Johnny went to therapy and came up with the revelation that he should think before he does anything. Howard said that had never occurred to him before. Johnny said that it blew the top of his head off. He said that's how sad it was. Johnny said it's sad but it's hilarious.
Howard said this would explain the whole Jackass phenomena. Howard said that none of them think about the outcome. Johnny said he had to tell his wife that he didn't want to give up the part of himself that did stunts.
Howard asked if it's true that Arnold Schwarzenegger asked him not to do any stunts on the set of the movie they did. Johnny said nothing like that ever happened. He said no one from the studio even said that. Johnny said he doesn't usually go after civilians. He said that he won't stop with a bit and he just keeps going. He said he'd never do that to Howard though. Howard said Howie Mandel is into pranks and he told him he has no sense of humor when it comes to that so he'd punch him in the face if he pulled anything on him. Johnny said Howard has that reach too. Howard said it will come out of nowhere with him. He said they had an understanding from early on.
Howard said Bad Grandpa comes out this weekend. He said the studio is predicting a $35 million weekend already. Johnny said he tries not to get caught up in all of that. He said he doesn't want to get his hopes up or down. Howard said every Jackass movie has opened at number 1 every time.
Howard asked if he keeps in touch with the guys from Jackass. Johnny said he thinks that the cast are going to be at the premiere on Wednesday. He said he saw Bam this week at the premiere.
Howard asked why it's a Jackass production. He said he knows there's this Dickhole production and all of that. He said they call it Jackass Productions. Howard asked if they give money to the other guys. Johnny said they did give the other guys a little bit of the back end. He said they built that all together and that's what they felt was right to do for the other guys. Johnny said they built that name together. Howard said this isn't Jackass though. Johnny said it's an extension of that though. Johnny said Paramount thought it was a good idea too.
Howard asked if the other cast think it's weird that he's doing something on his own. Johnny said no one has talked to him about that. He said he's sure that some of them felt a little weird. Johnny said he doesn't want them to be upset about anything. He said they'll talk and come to him with it usually.
Howard said there are stunts in the movie. He said he goes through a plate glass window at one point. Howard asked Johnny if they're a little safer than the Jackass movie. Johnny said that they back load some of the stunts for when he might get really hurt.
Howard asked how old he thinks he'll be when he stops doing stunts. Howard said he's shocked that he's still good looking after doing all of these things. Howard said his body must be deteriorating. Johnny said he has a fractured elbow and this thing with his hand right now. Howard said he imagines him coming in and sounding like Mohammed Ali some day. He said he'll be in a wheelchair and he'll have to wheel him around. Johnny said he does have a lot of concussions.
Howard asked if $35 million would be a home run for him. Johnny said that he'd be very happy with that. Howard said the great thing is that the movies don't cost that much to make. Howard said he was at Brad Grey's wedding and Johnny was there sitting next to him. He said they were like the two losers at the end of the table. Howard said Johnny told him that he should just stay quiet at a thing like that. Johnny said that Howard let a lot fly that night. He said he'd tell him to maybe not say anything and he'd let it fly.
Howard said he knows that Johnny was there because he makes a lot of money for that studio. Howard said Jackass 3D made like $171 million. Johnny said it was something like that. He said the opening weekend was like $50 million.
Howard asked about what other movies are coming out. Johnny said that this movie ''The Counselor'' is coming out and Gravity is still doing well. Robin said this Counselor movie is supposed to be huge. Howard told her to stop talking about it. They're supposed to be talking about Bad Grandpa.
Howard asked Johnny about this kid in the movie and if it's true that he asked the kid to pee in front of some adults. Johnny said he had done a movie with the kid before and he knew he wanted to use him for Jackass or something. He said he brought him in to meet the director and the kid laid him out with the Jackson 5 within seconds. He said this kid doesn't get scared when he pranks adults. He said they had him pee his pants in a park in front of two grown men. He said they had a water thing in his pocket to do that. Johnny said that they had two guys from the office to test it out. Howard said the kid is good but it's weird. He said he goes up to a stranger and asks him if he'll be his father.
Gary came in and told Howard that Johnny has to go. Howard asked where he's going. Gary said he has to do another show. Howard said he has some knock out wife. Howard said she's really just a nice person. Johnny said she's crazy about Howard and Beth too. Howard said he's still calling Johnny ''Johnny'' but other people call him PJ.
Howard said that you can see this movie starting Friday. Howard said this is going to be huge for him. He wished him the best of luck and went to break.
Howard came back and sang along with the song a little bit. Howard said that he had an article about 8 awesome things that were invented by women. He said that it was windshield wipers, chocolate chip cookies, Solar heated homes, Monopoly, square bottom paper bags, Kevlar and the fire escape. Howard said he figured the Kevlar thing was a man thing. Howard thanked women for inventing those things.
Howard said his wife is the host of The Kitten Bowl that will be on this February on Animal Planet during the Super Bowl. Howard said that's going to be on the Hallmark Channel. Howard said he thinks he'll need to be watching that.
Howard said he loves this song. He said that a guy in Virginia wants to outlaw anal and oral sex. He's running for governor. Robin said that's ridiculous. Howard said people used to freak him out when they'd tell him that Sodomy was illegal. Howard said he didn't know that anal with a woman was considered sodomy. Howard said he was freaked out by that. Howard said this guy says it's all about the kids and cited a bunch of child molester arrests. Robin said there are other laws they could go after child molesters for.
Howard played a clip of Elton John telling someone to fuck off out on the street. Howard said he thought Elton was above all of that and just went with it. Robin said maybe he was having a bad day. She said everyone can have a bad day.
Howard said he has a clip of a woman pretending to be someone's mom and finding them beating off. Howard said he has no desire to watch something like that. He imagines that Sal would watch that. Howard played the clip and said he is getting a little bit hard. Howard let that play a little more and said he seems to remember his mom checking him for what was in his pants.
Howard said he's assuming this is his step mother and not his mother. He said if she changed it around then maybe it would be better. The woman is goofing on the guy for having a tiny dick in the clip. Howard said he's had enough of her humiliation. Howard wondered who is beating off to this. He said it's like his life story.
Howard said Robin wouldn't be like that. Robin said she would tell Howard he has a nice size penis. Howard asked Sal where he came up with this. Fred said he thinks it's a home movie. Sal said that Will actually found it. JD came in and said someone emailed it to them.
Howard said he thinks that all of these guys are finding porn like this. He said Will has two kids and he's married now so he will find all kinds of porn. Will said the girl in that clip is pretty cute. Howard said this is almost like being in show business.
Howard said Johnny had to get over to the Kelly and Michael show. Howard said that's why they rushed him out. Howard said he told Johnny he should have stayed there because the nature of people who listen to this show. Howard said he was enjoying his conversation with Johnny too.
Howard played more of the mother humiliation tape and said there's a lot of web sites with sex instructional videos. Howard said that Robin tried to learn to give oral by watching a tape years ago. Robin said it really didn't help. Howard said he has a clip of this woman Angel telling people how to give oral. Howard played the clip and the woman was talking about how men are visual and they're going to be turned on by what they're seeing. She said they like to hear moaning, slurping and spiting on their dick. Howard said he's not into that.
Howard said he's really not into the oral thing either. He said he's had some women who were really into it and they're like the Mount Rushmore of chicks to him. He said it was a whole erotic situation for him. He said he's thinking about the number 1 girl other than his wife right now. Howard said his wife is the number 1 with everything. He just wants to be on record saying that.
Howard said this one woman was all about sex. He said she'd have a special outfit on and she'd sit down next to him and start playing with her own boobs and squeezing her nips. Howard said when she actually did it she was so into it you didn't feel any teeth. He said that he was instantly enjoying it. He said she just knew what the fuck she was doing. Howard said she'd tell him that she needed him to be her boyfriend for just 5 years.
Benjy asked if they had a regular relationship. Howard said it was purely sexual. He said it was friendly at first but then it was just sexual. Howard said they just couldn't be together. He said it wouldn't work. Robin asked if he knows where she is now. Howard said yes she's under the console. He said he really does know where she is but he hasn't spoken to her in years.
Howard said they should do some news. He said they've had enough fun. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knew about this movie months ago. He said he's been looking forward to it. The guy said that he found out he's going to be in surgery when the movie comes out. He said Johnny has been in 27 movies. Howard said it sounds like he's a big fan. Howard said tomorrow they're doing the Get My Grandpa Laid in honor of this movie. Howard said they have one grandpa who is 91 years old. He said they have 3 guys coming in with their grand kids.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got his calendar and he will sell it and give that money to the North Shore Animal League. Howard said he's fine with that if he gives the money to North Shore. The guy said that he put in the description that you can buy your own for less. Howard said he didn't want to turn this into a business. He said it's for a charity. Howard said they're saving animals there at North Shore.
Howard played another clip where Angel teaches women how to gag on a cock so your mouth waters and your eyes tear up. She said that when you make that sound it helps create more saliva. Howard said he has no desire to be with this woman.
Howard asked Robin to do some news now. Robin started off with a story about The Walking Dead and how someone is saying that it's bad to be obsessed with zombies because they're violent shows. Robin said this doctor says that people are wondering what it would be like to participate in this new world order. Howard said he's never felt that way. Robin said they say that young children are playing games based on Zombies too and that's not good for them. Robin said the doctor thinks that the games should be rated M for Mature.
Howard said the Walking Dead has been getting huge ratings. He said the premiere had 16 million and this week it was 13 million. Howard said that's a lot of people watching a cable show. Robin said they didn't win the Twitter war this week. Robin said the BET Hip Hop awards did. Robin said they had more tweets than the Walking Dead.
Howard said he has the top 5 songs to play. Number 5 was a song called Hold On We're Going Home. Howard said number 4 was Avicii, number 3 was Katy Perry, number 2 was Miley Cyrus and number 1 was Lorde.
Robin read a story about a woman who was called for jury duty and she's breast feeding. Robin said she brought the baby to court and now she's being held in contempt. Robin had some audio of the woman talking about how wrong this is. Robin said the woman told the court she didn't have any child care options and the child doesn't take a bottle.
Robin read about a kid who recorded his father finding out that he's passing his math class in school. Robin had some audio of the father's reaction to his son passing. Howard said that's one happy ass dad.
Robin read about a school shooting in Nevada. Robin had some audio of a child who witnessed the shooting. Howard said too many kids are getting shot up at school. Robin said one teacher stood between the shooter and a student. Both of them died. Howard said he could never do that. He said that teacher is a great teacher. He said he would save himself. Robin had some audio of a parent talking about how brave that teacher was.
Howard said Sal sent him a picture he took with his iPhone. Howard said he took a shot of a guy who had his turtleneck up above his nose so he couldn't smell the fart that Sal let out. Howard said Sal is just doing it for his own amusement. Howard asked what's up with that. Sal came in and said that fart was so horrible. He said he lets it seep out slowly. He said the guy was 3 seats down. He said he put his shirt up over his face.
Howard said he holds in his farts. Sal said he loves farting on the subway because you can't get busted. He said a homeless guy said that it was a garbage fart. Howard said Sal is more disgusting than he ever thought. He told him to get out of the studio.
Robin read about a guy who was charged with setting a 5 year old girl on fire and killing her. Robin said that's a horrible crime.
Robin said that the Obama administration is having trouble with the web site for the health care system. Robin said if you don't sign up in time you could be fined. Robin said that they have questions about people being punished if they don't sign up in time.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would let Robin and Gary throw a party for him this year. Howard said he doesn't control that. The caller said it's a big one coming up. Howard said he's freaking out about that. He's turning 60. Howard said people shouldn't bring that up. He said that he's very immature so don't bring it up. Howard said he'll just say that he's heard talk of a shin dig. Robin said that can't be because no one has talked to her. Howard said that's just him saying that. Howard said he heard talk about it from a guy named Jim in Raleigh. Howard said they have some very big plans for their subscribers. Jim said he knows a lot of people who would come. Jim told Robin with all that Howard has done for her she should do something for him. Howard said that's right, pull that card on her.
Howard said they have the Hottest Nude Mother Daughter contest coming up soon. Howard said they only have one entry so far so they could win if they don't get anyone else. He said he's hear they're beatable too.
Robin said yesterday they learned that it's legal for same sex couples to get married. Robin said Chris Christie has dropped his legal challenge to the law. Robin said this smacks of him knowing this was going to happen and he was catering to a certain sort of republican. Howard said he has to do that. Howard said he's a great governor of New Jersey and he thinks that he'll run for President. Howard said he has to let this gay marriage thing go through but he has to put on a show for certain people.
Robin said some gay couples are suing Tennessee over gay marriage rights. Robin said they were married in states where it was legal and they're trying to get their marriages recognized in Tennessee.
Howard said he has a Baba Booey shout out to play. Howard played the clip and gave it an 8 rating. Robin agreed. She said it was just a little off.
Howard said Joe Buck dropped a Baba Booey in too. Howard played that clip and since Joe did it as an announcer Howard gave it a rating of 10. Howard played another Baba Booey where a news reporter was out on the beach doing a report and a woman started yelling Baba Booey. Robin gave that an 8. Howard said he'll go with that. Howard said it's good to see the ladies getting involved.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he hasn't heard from Fred lately. Howard said they just did a Fred segment yesterday. Howard said if he insists they'll do another one. They played Fred in with the ''Wonderful Fred'' song. The caller wanted to know what Fred thinks about the government shutdown. Fred said the shutdown is over. He said they shouldn't do that shit again. He said they should vote everyone out who votes for it. The caller said he wanted to go a little further. He said he thinks that all of them should be voted out and their accounts closed. Howard said that was all the time they had for the Fred segment. They played him out with that same Wonderful Fred song.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a man who kept 3 women hostage in his home. Robin said he wound up killing himself in an Ohio prison. Robin said two of the women who were held by him are telling their stories in a book. Robin had some audio of one of the women talking. Robin said the third women will be on the Dr. Phil show in November. Robin said while they were away Ariel Castro's death was questioned and they were thinking that he may have been doing auto erotic asphyxiation. Robin said the corner is saying that it was no accident, it was a suicide.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he cut the hair of a man who is friends with the Ostrosky family. He said he heard that his mother-in-law is very attractive. He asked if he's had any thoughts about her. Howard goofed on the way he spoke and said that he's going to keep any thoughts like that to himself if he has any. Howard said he has no thoughts about that. Ever.
Howard said he might be pretty well adjusted about some things. He said he's really fucked up but with that stuff he's okay.
Howard took a call from a guy, Shandor, who said he was going to tell him that he went under the knife for quintuple bypass. He said he didn't have his radio in the room. He said he called one day and he had fallen asleep on the air. Howard said he had no idea the heart had that many arteries. Howard said he bets Shandor is a corn eater. Howard said he had better read Robin's book quickly. Shandor said they're putting a pace maker in him and he's only 48 years old. Howard said it must be that corn. Howard said he might as well shoot himself in the head if he's going to be a corn eater.
Shandor said that all of the nurses on the floor ordered calendars after they saw it in his room. Howard said he encourages everyone to bring one with them. Robin said his picture heals. Howard said every dime goes to the North Shore Animal League but the calendar has healing powers.
Shandor said that if it wasn't for Howard's show he probably would have unplugged himself. Howard wished him luck and let him go a short time later.
Robin read a story about the new iPad that's supposed to be announced today. Robin said the rumor is that the iPad Mini will be 8 inches instead of 7. Howard said he needs that. Robin said they will have a new full sized iPad as well. Howard said they must be giving it a thumb print thing too. Robin said she's not sure about that. Howard said he and Jon Hein have already said they will get it.
Robin said she still hasn't figured out a use for a mini. Howard said he uses his every day for hours. He said he watches all of his movies on there. Robin said she watches movies on her phone. Howard said that screen is too small for that. Robin said she has trouble with iTunes. She said she wanted to download them to take them on the plane. Howard said he can even do that. Robin said she has a Droid phone and she downloaded to that no problem. Robin said she tries to download on iTunes and it doesn't work. Howard told her how to do it. Robin said she did it just like he said. Robin said 3 days later it's still not downloaded. She said she was at home when she did it and it should have worked.
Robin said that Mario Cuomo, at the age of 81, finally watched the Godfather. Robin said he figures that it really is a masterpiece.
Robin said that P. Diddy has started his own network. Robin had some audio of him talking about the new network. Robin said it's called Revolt TV.
Robin read about an altercation at a Jets game where a guy hit a woman. Howard said they found the guy and they say that he killed a guy once. Robin said the guy's mother is defending him. Howard asked what you expect. Robin said the mother says that he was defending himself during a group brawl.
Robin read about a 22 year old man who was found in bed with a 68 year old man's wife. Robin said the 68 year old man shot the 22 year old. Robin had some audio of the older man speaking about this incident.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks we should do something about the Tea Party assholes who are holding all of this stuff up. Howard said people get what they deserve. He said they're so fringe and out there on the edge. Howard said there's nothing he can do. The caller asked what he'll do if he runs with Ventura. Howard said they'll just ignore the Tea Party.
Robin asked if Howard is watching the Agents of SHIELD. Howard said he hasn't really watched it. He said he isn't digging it. Robin said she's hanging in there and hoping it gets better. She said she's giving it a chance. Howard said they go after super heroes and collect them. Robin said it reminds her of Heroes. Howard said he's burnt out on the show and it's just started. He said that shouldn't happen. Robin said The Blacklist is good. Howard said he likes that one too. He said he's a week behind on that. Robin said Arrow is great too. Howard said he loves it.
Robin read about how Facebook banned gory videos earlier this year. Robin said that they may have changed their policy on that because they refused to take down a video of a masked man killing a woman. Robin said they now say that the videos are allowed but only if people are condemning the acts and not promoting them.
Robin had some audio of Alec Baldwin on Jimmy Fallon's show that she had Howard play before ending the news. Howard ended the show a short time later, right around 10:05am.
Jon asked Will about the game and what happened after it today. Will said he wasn't trying to piss on the guy but Sal was kind of sulking to his office this morning. He said he couldn't let it go when he put the apostrophe in the word ''wants'' over and over again.
Jon said Gary was wondering if all of that stuff will stick with Sal. Gary said he's not sure he will. Will didn't think he would. Jon said he loves when Sal pulls out the ''why did you go there'' thing. He said Sal does it all the time with people. Gary said Sal can never give him shit because of the amount of shit he's given him over the years.
Gary said he thinks that Sal doesn't know when something is wrong. He said he loves telling the story about Sal pulling the plug on New Years Eve when the countdown was about done. He said Sal's wife got mad at him and he doesn't know that it's because she was embarrassed by her husband. Gary said Sal does some dumb stuff and he means to do well. He said they just happen. Jon said he thinks he's a good guy and he has a good heart. Jon said he thinks that he wants to embarrass people though.
Jon said that Jackie was in there yesterday and he thinks that he knows where that line is but Sal doesn't. Gary said people wonder how Sal doesn't know that you can't put your penis on a woman's head. Jon said that when you're with friends that's just the thing he does. Gary said his justification for that was that he asked their husbands if it was okay to do.
Jon said Howard can't believe that Sal has that mentality. Gary said people were shocked when Sal was hired at first. He said that he has made some crazy mistakes there over the years. He said that he really is a character. Jon asked if he has learned from those mistakes. Gary said some of them. He said he knows not to use Howard's megaphone. He said that he may know not to invade Howard's personal space.
Will said he thinks that he thought anything goes was the rule there. He said he eventually realized that you can't do that. He said it took a few years but now he gets it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal is a hypocrite in a few ways. He said if someone whipped out their cock and put it on Sal's head then he'd freak out. Gary said he doesn't think he would. He said if it was done in a humorous way then maybe he'd be okay with it.
Jon said that they heard Richard throwing up this morning. He said that this is a regular thing for him. Gary said he didn't even throw up like that in high school when he was learning to drink. Jon said he thinks that he likes to tape himself puking. Will said he used to be into that stuff but now he finds it sad and depressing. Will said he hasn't thrown up in a long time. Pre-kid at least.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that some of the guys on the show do stuff that embarrasses Howard. Gary said that Ronnie doesn't like to be judged on things. He may realize when he gets out of control and gets embarrassed by it.
Gary said they had a Valentine's day party once and Ronnie was passed out in the King's throne at the party. He said that he was way out of control that night. Jon said that he's fun to be with in those situations. He said sometimes you don't know you've gone over that line.
Ronnie came in so Jon asked if he realized he shouldn't have done that. Ronnie said they've gone through this before. He said he told him what happened with the Bubba Wedding. Jon said that's not what they're talking about though. Gary asked if he was upset about the way he acted at the Valentine's day Party. Ronnie said he wasn't at all. Will called him a creep. Ronnie asked him what the fuck is wrong with him.
Jon asked Ronnie if he heard the Richard throwing up clip. Ronnie said he did and he was in the middle of eating. He said he hasn't thrown up in about 12 years. He said he got drunk on Mud slides. He said he ripped his bedroom apart after drinking and he thinks that he came close to being poisoned. He said he was so whacked out that he threw his king sized mattress on the floor. He said he was outside yelling at his Chinese neighbors to make some egg rolls for him. He said he had a party going on that night and he went nuts locking himself in his room. He said he had a bad hangover the next day. Jon asked if he went and apologized to his neighbors the next night. Ronnie said they were laughing so he didn't have to.
Gary said about 15 years ago he went to see Tony and Tina's Wedding and he hadn't eaten anything in about a month because they were doing a diet contest on the show. Gary said he was drinking a lot and he ended up going out into the cold and he was drunk immediately. He said he ended up throwing up in the bathroom at the restaurant. He had to sleep over at Doug Goodstein's house that night and do the walk of shame the next day.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's an outsider looking in but he doesn't get how they think Sal is a good person. Gary said he's not sure how to explain it. Will said he's one of the sweetest guys up there. Gary agreed. He said he doesn't have a vindictive bone in his body. The caller asked if a good guy sticks his dick on someone's head. Gary said that's not right to do that. He said he'd be angry if he did something like that to his wife. Gary said he's not doing it in a mean way. He's trying to get a laugh. He said it's not right but he's not doing it in a malicious way.
The caller said he knows what show he's listening to but Sal crosses that line way too much. He said Sal has crossed the line with those jokes about Beth at the roast too. Gary asked how old he is. The guy said he's 49. Gary said when they got there to Philly in 1985 it was funny to him. He said that Sal is stuck in that time so that's the best way he can explain it. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Howard is driven nuts that he can't get screeners. Gary said everything is in place but they had a human error. He said they have one of those Apple TV units and they push the movie onto the box that way. He said that they only give you a 72 hour window to watch it. Gary said Howard had to get it installed with his system and he was psyched that they could use it to watch movies that way. Gary said Howard got his put in and he was ready to go. He said it was supposed to be there Sunday morning. Gary said it wasn't there in the afternoon. Gary said the person who was supposed to send it just didn't send it.
Jon said that the other thing Howard is having trouble with is that Gary's works. Gary said he tries stuff out a lot that way. He said he gets it hooked up at his house and it tests fine. He said that they were told they'd have access to a lot more movies. He said Howard was supposed to get Star Trek and he didn't get that either. He said this movie didn't work out either. He said it's hard for Howard to get screeners. He said he's not sure why this one was such a problem because it's not even a DVD.
Ronnie said that Howard should have seen this before everyone. Gary said he agrees. He said he thinks that Howard may have been tagged with the Super 8 movie that was released. He said he knows for a fact it didn't happen there. He said he knows it's happened to other big names and they don't have the same trouble.
Jon took a call from a guy whose phone was cutting out. He was trying to ask if Sal's marriage was better before he got on the show. Gary said he's going to say it probably was. He said he may say a lot of things on the air that he wouldn't say off the air. He said he talks about things that his wife may wish he wouldn't talk about. Jon said that Sal may have been projecting things onto Gary that he had going on in his own life. Ronnie said Sal went nuts when he got on the air. He said he would come out saying that he knows he shouldn't have said something on the air.
Gary said you have to figure out the line. He said that he knows his wife doesn't want him talking about really personal stuff on the air. Jon said you have to make that decision to go for it or not. Jon said you have to either go for it or not.
Gary said he has a cousin who was experiencing some supernatural stuff and Howard wanted him to book him on the show. He said he could have brought him gold but it's family and he can't do that.
Jason said that's different than what they're talking about with Sal. He said he thinks that Sal was probably saying this stuff to his friends in the past but now it gets back to Christine faster and louder. He said he doesn't think the show has changed Sal. He said he loves his honesty on the air so he doesn't want to change him. Jason said that Sal and his wife have tried to save their marriage. He said some just can't be saved though.
Gary asked Jason if his brothers are talking to him. Jason said he has some dark thoughts in his head that he let out last week. He said that he was saying that if his brothers disappeared off the face of the earth he wouldn't feel so much loss. He said that they didn't take it very well. He said that he loves his brothers but he said it. He said he feels bad about making them feel bad.
Gary said the second you turn the microphones off they realize you shouldn't have said that. Jason did that with what he said. Gary said Sal has no idea. He said he goes home thinking nothing bad happened until his wife asks him what the fuck that was.
Jason said part of the dues you pay is being honest on the air. He said honesty is interesting and funny. Jason said he knows they only get one side from Sal but there are two to tango. He said that she's still with Sal. He said she might be closer to him than they know. He said that she's been with him the 9 years he's been on the show. Jason said there must be some crazy there.
Ronnie said that Sal has the outlet now and he's crazier than ever. Jason said he doesn't know that. He said he could have been doing the crazy stuff before. Jon said they had to take a break. Sal had just shown up so they were going to get to him after the break.
Sal said they could do it over again and he thinks the results would be the same. Jason said he's not sure how a dude is supposed to know if it's a good or bad picture of another dude. Sal said they thought those were the pictures that were closest to the person. Ronnie asked why he used the Batman moustache. Sal said he looked better with that moustache. Sal said he didn't know that the picture of Gary was from 15 years ago. He said he and Richard picked them and neither one of them thought anything about it.
Jon asked Sal if he was pissed at Will for bringing up the contractions thing. Sal said that's part of the show. He said he can't get mad. Gary said Sal has stabbed them all in the back.
Sal said he never had trouble with apostrophes until he got there. Jason said Sal is fine when he stops and thinks about things. He said he saw the apostrophes in the email he sends and they were consistently in the wrong place. He said they're all over with Sal's emails. Sal said names are tough.
Jason asked Sal a few question about words like don't and couldn't. Sal puts the apostrophe before the NT instead of between the N and T. Sal got won't right but he still got don't couldn't wrong. Sal said that he's not sure what the problem is. They didn't explain to him that he was getting it wrong.
Sal said he's not a spelling major. He said he's a good speller though. Jon said he is a pretty good speller. He spelled haven't with the apostrophe before the NT. Sal said that the apostrophe is optional in won't.
Jon asked Sal about the definition game. He asked if he was pissed about that. Sal said he's not. He said it goes both ways there.
Gary said they were wondering if he remembers what they explained to him about the words. Gary asked if he knows what loquacious means. Sal said he doesn't think they talked about that. Jon asked Sal about a couple of the words and Sal did remember what they told him. Sal said he's not stupid so of course he remembers. He said he hasn't been in school since 1987 so he forgets things. He said it's no big deal.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks Sal gets too much crap for this. Ronnie said no way. He said if you dish it out you should be able to take it.
Gary asked Sal if he goes online to look up a lot of words. Sal said he does. Gary asked Sal if he knows what humility means. Sal said it means to lead a humble life.
Johnny said he had so much fun with Howard today and it seemed like it was only 5 minutes. Gary said he was on for 40 minutes. Johnny said Howard has so much fun and he's open and honest and it just causes everyone to be open and honest. He said people really lay it on the line on Stern than they do on any other show.
Gary said it's a good way to get a good interview. Johnny said Howard is so candid and his energy affects everyone. He said that's just one reason they're good interviews.
Johnny said that he was really nervous doing the show the first couple of times. He said that he's seen Howard out a few times now and he's more comfortable with him. He said he's very easy to talk to. Johnny said he's much more comfortable doing that now.
Gary said that Johnny did the Jackass movies that did very well. He asked if he feels he's in that Hollywood elite stuff. Johnny said he still feels like an outsider. Gary said he generates box office though. Johnny said some people see that and the studios respect that. Johnny said the writers may not. He said they still look at him as ''the Jackass guy.''
Jon said Sal loves his work. Sal said that he's been an inspiration to him and Richard. Gary said Johnny wrote them a letter asking to come on and Taser himself about 25 years ago. He said they could have had him working there. Johnny said he could never do what Sal and Richard do. Sal said they were talking about the consents to play the stuff on the air and it's the same with them and with what the Jackass people do. Sal said they have a database full of stuff they can never play on the air.
Sal said they've had some phony phone calls that were good but they had other calls with the same premise that were even funnier. Johnny said that he's had stuff like that. He said that the cop at the beauty pageant is one of the funniest things he's ever shot but the guy is still pissed about what went on so he will never sign.
Gary said when the show was over for Johnny he saw that he stopped by Fred's area and said he's blown away by what he does. Johnny said he's fascinating. Johnny said he's not sure how it all works. He said he envisioned a machine with a boner button but it's a whole computer and he works it so quick. He said it blows his mind. Johnny said everyone laughs in the studio but when Fred laughs then you've earned it. He said he waned to stay and talk to Fred but he had to get out of there. Sal said they can show him the way their stuff works. Gary said Fred has a machine that holds 1000 sounds. He said he used to have 2000 carts that he had to pull clips from. He said no one knew where they were other than Fred. He said Fred was amazing with that. Johnny said his timing is always amazing. He said he's not sure if he types it in or what. Sal said he can type in a letter or two and it comes up. He said Fred is actually using 3 machines at once.
Johnny asked Sal how they work the prank calls they make where they answer immediately with clips. Sal said they make up their own sound boards and they can pick what they want to say and have them ready to go. Gary said they have yes and no answers so they can think of the next thing to play. Johnny said it's brilliant. Sal said they use Adobe Audition to make the sound boards.
Johnny said he could never be as good at it as Sal and Richard are. He said he knows where his talents are and they're not there. Jon said that must be great for Sal to hear. Sal said that they would like to do some things that they just can't do. He said Johnny is the one doing the really tough stuff. Jon said they had to end the show after that. Johnny got in another plug for his movie ''Bad Grandpa'' which is opening on the 24th. Johnny also got in a plug for his show that he does on Outlaw Country on SiriusXM. They ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started the show asking Robin if she just snuck in. Robin said she was there before he was. Howard said he's been listening to Riley Martin and he starts to talk like him. He did some of his impression for Robin. She told him to do the whole show that way. Howard said his show was the best last night. He said people told him about the cartoon Brickleberry using a term he uses ''Oh Qua Tanzin Wan''. Howard said Riley wants to sue right away after hearing about that.
Howard said Riley made an announcement last night. He played a clip of Riley talking about that. Howard said if he does sue he'd have to admit that he made up that language. Riley was saying that they are ripping him off and he's getting PO'd. He said he has hired an attorney. Howard said he wants to go to court and see this case if he gets to court. The caller said that it would be even more of a rip off if they showed Eron fucking him in the ass.
Howard did more of his impression of Riley and took him to court. He had Riley and his attorney talking to the judge about his term being stolen. Howard said he was looking for reparations. Howard said it's going to be covered on every network. Robin asked if she said something in Spanish and it was used on Brickleberry, could she sue? Howard got a laugh out of that.
Howard goofed on Riley about selling piss jugs and wondered what ever happened with that. Howard played another clip where Eron was telling Riley about some email they got and asked what the space beaver sounds like. Howard said Riley has been talking about his time with the aliens and there was a space beaver up there. Howard said the beaver sounds kind of like Spicoli so he might get sued over that. Howard played the clip where Riley did the voice of the space beaver.
Howard said he likes that video of the Jets fan punching the woman Patriots fan. Howard said it did look like she was rushing the guy. Howard said it's crazy that these people are going to kill each other over football. Howard said he's not sure how you bring your kid to a football game these days. He said that there are so many drunks around. Howard said he used to go to games with his dad and he was nervous around the drunk men. Howard said none of these people have played for anyone and they're fighting over the game.
Howard said yesterday he played audio of Richard puking. He said this is another case of an adult acting like a child. Howard said the last time he puked he was in college and he was sick. Howard said when you're an adult you don't vomit from drinking. Howard said Richard sent him that clip and said it was from drinking and eating chicken wings. Howard said he realized that a lot of this is very musical. Howard had the clip put to music like Bon Jovi's Livin' On a Prayer. Robin said that's a hit.
Howard played another one where they had his vomiting to the song ''Won't Get Fooled Again'' and then one where he was puking in the movie Exorcist.
Howard said today they have the ''Get My Grandfather Laid'' contest. He said they have grandchildren who have their grandfathers there to get laid. Howard said that the kids will come in and explain why their grandfather should win. Howard said they've played this game before so Robin knows how it works.
Howard had Yucko the Clown on the phone and he said he's not sure why Riley is upset. He said that they put a lot of stuff from the show in there and they're doing an homage to the show. He said he's just getting his name out there. Howard said Riley doesn't get it. Yucko said they had a buoy on the show last year and they had the name Bob on it so it was a Bob Buoy.
Howard said he wants to change his name. He said Robin came in and changed her's to Ophelia. Howard said he wants to change his name to Dr. Narcisse. Howard said he loves Boardwalk Empire and that character.
Howard said someone sent him a picture of these conjoined twins. He said one of them is engaged. Howard said they're joined at the head but they're not both engaged. Howard wondered how that works. Howard said they must share tits. Gary said he has no idea of the validity of this picture but JD gave him a shot of the girls blowing a guy. Howard said that would be weird. Howard said Benjy would have fucked them. Benjy said he wouldn't fuck them now.
Howard said the girls have great tits. Robin said they have two heads. She thought Howard said they were joined at the head. Howard said they're joined at the body. Howard said there was a movie where they had a white guy's head sewn onto a black guy's body. Howard said it's the greatest movie ever. He said you have to see it. He said it's ''The Thing with Two Heads.'' Gary said there's no attempt at special effects in that movie. It was just two guys in a giant sweater.
Howard played the souped up remix that Shatner did. Howard said Teddy took the song and added some stuff to it. They had added some women singing some of the lines that were left out of the original recording. Howard seemed to like it. He was laughing through it.
Howard said they had Teddy Zambetti work on that. Fred said that they had Julie doing the singing. Fred said he was part of the remix. Howard said he was upset about the whole thing at first but now he's okay with it.
Robin said she doesn't know how he can go on when he hears news that one girl in a two headed girl is engaged. Howard said that is pretty wild. Howard wondered id they have the big sweater like Rosie Grier did in The Thing with Two Heads. Howard said the great thing about that was that when they had two heads the body expanded twice the size.
JD told Howard that they transplanted the head on a healthy body and Rosie Grier's character wanted to donate his body to science after he was put to death for a crime he didn't commit. Howard said they weren't able to figure out how to do the special effects so they just had the other guy standing behind Rosie Grier.
Howard said he wants to do a remake of that movie. He said he'd like to interview the director. JD said he's probably not around. He said it was made in the 1970s. Fred said the director is Andy Milligan. Howard said one of these guys has to be alive. Fred said he passed in 1991 at the age of 62. Howard said he wants to get a hold of the producer.
Howard said he wants Brad Grey to call him about this. He said he wants to remake the movie. He said he could star in it. Gary said there was another movie called The Incredible Two Headed Transplant'' that was out the year before. Howard said he remembers that. Gary said Casey Kasem was in that. Fred said Bruce Dern was in that. Howard said he'd go see that. Fred said Pat Priest was in that movie too. Howard said they don't make cool movies like that anymore. He said they're shitty and no one cares. He said the only thing close is Sharknado.
Howard said he can't wait to remake that movie. He said he'd like to get inside a sweater with some dude. Robin said she can't believe Casey Kasem was in that other movie. Howard said they could do some really cool effects today with a movie like that. Howard said the trailer would be brilliant. Howard said they could have one big black cock too. Howard said he has to find a good co-star. He said he could get a football player like they did in the original. Howard suggested OJ Simpson. Robin said she was thinking Refrigerator Perry. Howard said he's dead. Howard said maybe LT. Robin said he's in jail too. Howard said he's not in jail. Robin said he did go to jail. Gary said LT is not in jail and Refrigerator Perry is not dead. Howard said he thought he was.
Howard said this thing is going to be huge. Fred said Perry is alive. Gary said that it was a false report that Perry was dead this summer. Howard said LT was cleared of all charges. Robin said he was sentenced to probation from what she was reading. Howard said he was railroaded.
Howard said he reads Bob Lefsetz's newsletter and he sends links to songs along. He said that Will Lee from Letterman's band was hanging out with Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top and they threw this song together and it's great. He said that it's called ''Get Out Of My Life Woman'' and it's really good. Howard said they have a video for it on YouTube. Howard said Billy Gibbons is such a great guitar player. Howard said Will Lee is a great player too. Howard played the song for Robin. Howard said he didn't know Billy was available. He said he might have to record something with him.
Howard was thinking about the remake of The Thing with Two Heads and how they could have this song playing on the radio as they're driving down the highway. Robin said this is a good driving song. Howard said the two headed girls could live in the town and he goes to the wedding to stop the wedding because he's in love with one of them. Howard said he's just coming up with this stuff off the top of his head. Howard said they realize they look like shit so they go sweater shopping. Howard said the two headed girls are staring at them in the store. Howard said they ask the girls how they look and the girls say ''The truth?'' Then they go hang gliding while this song is still playing. Howard said every kid would want to see this. He said they could do some Johnny Knoxville stuff where they do this in front of real people. He said they could go SCUBA diving and things like that too. Howard said then they'd be riding an elephant in Africa. Howard said then they'd be on the beach and applying suntan lotion to each other. Howard said then they're going after bin Laden. Howard said no one told them that he's dead. Howard said they'd have all kinds of cameos in the movie too.
Howard said he's going to get JJ Abrams to direct the movie. Howard said he has to do it. Howard said they'll get Brad to finance it and JD will direct. Howard said they could have them going to Vegas and gambling. Howard said they'd have everything in twos so they'd have to ''double down'' in Vegas.
Howard asked JD what happens at the end of the movie with the Thing With Two Heads. JD came in and said he doesn't know. He said he only saw the trailer. He said he knows there's a long car chase. He said that Rosie Grier's girlfriend wont touch him because she's freaked out by it. JD said he didn't want to spoil the movie for the audience either. Howard said he doesn't care. He said he has to write a movie. Howard said he's excited about this right now but he won't be in about 5 minutes.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Silver Nickels song and he thinks that Jewel did a better job than Shatner did. Howard asked Fred to find that version of the song. Fred looked it up while Howard spoke to the caller. Howard said he emails Jewel once in a while. Fred found the song and played it for Howard. Howard said this is her best work in years. Howard said this was the second song he ever wrote. He said it's not that hard. Robin asked why he stopped. Howard said just listen to it and you'll know. He said even Jewel didn't know what to do with it.
Howard said he read that Gary is going to be hosting some Billboard awards show. Howard asked him what's up with that. Gary said it's a non-televised award show. He said he'll be in the same room with every big manager and agent. He said that they give awards out for bands that tour. He said that he heard Roger Waters might be there. Howard told him to get the Rolling Stones in there. Gary said he's hoping to get everyone in there. He said that's why he's going. Howard said that's pretty cool. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and talked about his work out while he's listening to music like this song playing. Fred threw in some Benjy ''Ehh'' clips while the song was playing too. Howard said he loves this song.
Howard said he played a tape yesterday where this woman was freaking out on a plane. Howard replayed some of that where she's screaming ''God you're my savior'' over and over. Howard said he said yesterday it reminded him of Metallica's ''One'' and the guys took that clip and put it to the music of ''One.'' Howard said that's fucking awesome. Robin said some metal group should grab that woman.
Howard said he can't wait for the ''I Want To Get My Grandpa Laid'' contest. That's coming up in about an hour. Howard had Fred play the intro for that.
Howard said JD has the plot line for The Thing with Two Heads. JD said he just fast forwarded to the end. He said they're in some factory and it seems like the police are after Rosie's character. Howard said he was in prison and he ends up escaping. He said that the police are after his body. Howard said he should be in jail. Howard said he remembers that part. JD said that Ray Milland's character punches Rosie's face. He said that Ray's character calls his doctor and asks him to get his head off that body. JD said they get the body to some hospital and he starts to do the surgery himself. Then Rosie's friend comes and does it for him. JD said the next thing you know they call another doctor to come down to help. JD said you don't see the removal process. Howard said in his movie you will see that part. JD said they end up finding Ray's head attached to some blood flow machine.
JD said the final scene is Rosie's character in a car with his girlfriend singing ''Oh Happy Day'' with someone else in the car. Howard said that he might have to change the plot of his movie. He asked when they're going to make that. He said he has to get that out there.
Howard said he might put his head on a woman's body. Robin said he'd never get out of there if he did that. Howard said he'd be feeling up his own tits if he was on a woman's body.
Howard said yesterday Robin said she had a friend whose husband fucked cars. Howard asked how she never brought that up before. Robin said she has mentioned it. Howard said that's like her saying that she kissed David Arquette and never told him before. Robin said that it just didn't come up.
Howard said he thinks that movie would be good with his head attached to a black guy. Robin said it would. Howard said if Michael Jackson was still alive he'd get him to do it.
Howard said that Psych is great. He sent in a new parody about Robin to the tune of the Keith Richards song they played on Monday. Howard said Psych was able to do that in one day. Howard said that's fabulous. Robin said the music is great.
Howard said this one was from Zachary Mercier. Howard said this might be the best one of the week. Robin said it's awful. Howard said it's very passionate though. The guy was singing over a music track like people did in the early days of Robin song parodies. Howard said this guy is right. He was singing about her vegetables and how he has protein to offer her. Howard said there is some protein missing from Robin's diet. Robin said she gets protein from vegetables. Robin said animals get protein from eating vegetables. Robin said cows eat grass to get theirs. Robin said the Elephant doesn't have any problem getting protein and they're herbivores. Howard said he still thinks this guy is right and she needs semen in her diet.
Howard played another parody about Robin and her Vegucation. That one was from Eli Braden. Howard said everyone wants her to stop with her vegetables. Howard said no guy cares about her Vegucation.
Howard played a clip of Robin having sex with Scott the Engineer that the guys put together. Howard then played a couple of Little Mikey song parodies about Robin.
Howard said Wolfie went out to a white power convention and he asked him not to bring his name up if he goes to these things. Howard played some clips of Wolfie interviewing a guy at the convention and he asked a guy about what he thinks about Howard Stern. Howard said he was listening to that last night and wondering ''What the fuck Wolfie?''
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was wondering if Robin has ever dated a married man. Robin said she has. Howard said she wrote about it in ''Quivers A Life.'' Howard said she did despicable things. Robin said Howard slept with married women and he knew their husbands. Howard said he's a man so that's different. Howard said women don't think with their vagina. Robin said she fell in love with the guy. She said it took a long time. She said the marriage survived her but it didn't survive. Howard asked if it was the guy who fucks cars. Robin said that was not the guy. Howard said he has so much to play but he had to take another break. Howard said he has so many things going on.
Howard said Benjy is gloating today after all of the black women said they'd fuck him. Howard said black women are very attracted to him. He said they must see him differently than white women do. Robin said there must be a difference there. Howard said he's like George Clooney to the black community. Howard said he should have Benjy walk around Africa. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from Eric the Actor who said good morning after clearing his throat. Robin said he could have been ready to talk when they picked up. Eric said he thinks he found a date for Robin. Eric said he was at the Bound for Glory event for TNA. He said there's a guy named Magnus who is attracted to her and he'd like to go on a date with her. Howard said they have to look him up on the web.
Howard said Whitney Cummings is dating a wrestler or something. Robin asked if this guy's name is Magnus. Eric said it is. Eric said there's a photo of him on his Twitter page. Howard said he's 26 and in very good shape.
Howard asked Eric if he would do the movie The Thing with Two Heads. Eric said he heard that and he will not do it. He said it's too fucking lame. Howard said it will be a huge cult hit. Eric didn't want to do it.
Howard said he's going to do it with a black guy anyway. Howard asked JD where the trailer clip is. He said he has to hear this. Howard played the trailer for ''The Thing with Two Heads.'' Howard said he likes that they say they attached the head to a black body but the black body still had a head.
Howard said Eric has to do this. He said they could do it in 3D. Howard said he'll give him some time to think about it. Eric said he'll take the part of one of the doctors. Howard said ''Done.'' Howard said he'll give him that part. Howard said he'll wake up and Eric will be the doctor who is worse than they are with the two heads. Howard said in their version of the movie they'll have the black guy make out with the doctor. He said the doctor is gay in the movie. Robin said maybe one head will be gay. Howard said he can't play that part. He said that he doesn't want people thinking that he's actually gay. Howard said maybe he can get Leon Spinks to play the black guy. Robin said he won't be able to remember lines. Robin said the guy Eric told her about is a very handsome guy. Howard had let Eric go.
Howard said he had an email from someone who said he couldn't stand Jackie on the show and never have him back on. Howard had another one from someone who said he can never retire because he's got him hooked.
Howard had Fred play the JD song that Daniel Mendelson did for them. He said he's the guy who did the Hanzi song too. Howard and Robin were both laughing at that.
Howard said he has to get JD in the movie. He said they could sell so many tickets if they got that on Broadway. Robin said people would hurt from laughing.
Howard said this movie is coming together. He said he has Leon Spinks on the phone to talk about playing the role of the black guy. He picked up the phone and the guys in the back were playing clips of Leon talking to him. Howard had a conversation with the clips and most of what Leon was saying was unintelligible. Howard said he's sure Brad Grey is listening right now and drawing up the papers. Howard said he thinks he's getting this casting done.
Howard read an email from someone asking if he ran for Vice President with Jesse Ventura, would he do it for free. Howard said of course he would. The writer said he'd have his vote if he did.
Howard read a letter he got about Bobo. The writer said that Howard should hang up on him as soon as he starts ass kissing. Mariann was mentioned in that letter too.
Howard picked up on Mariann and let her speak for about 5 seconds. Howard hung up on her. Howard moved on to read some mail about Sal being an idiot. Howard said some people do praise him though. He said his scientific hypothesis was right and they were too rough on him. Howard said he didn't hear anything scientific coming out of Sal.
Howard said Sal was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday coming up with even more stupid stuff. Howard said he had some clips from the show and played one where Sal was spelling words that should end in ''n't'' but he'd put the apostrophe before ''nt.'' Sal was also talking about the word ''won't'' and spelling it wrong when he was asked to spell it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard a commercial for Howard's show on channel 82 last night. Howard said he's not familiar with that channel. The caller said they play some old shows over there. Howard said they have some interesting programming there. He said he loves Ozzy's Boneyard and Deep Tracks. Howard said they obviously went to Ozzy once and had him do a promo. He said they use that one clip to promote the show all the time. Howard said they play an Ozzy song like ever 5th or 6th song. Howard said sometimes he'll hear a song and go buy it.
The caller said he used to work for XM radio. He said he was happy when Howard came on. He said he had to get a Sirius radio for his car at the time so he had both. Howard said he really has to go. He said he was trapped in the story and couldn't get out. Fred played the Grandpa Al Lewis ''Blablablabla'' clip as Howard was letting him go.
Howard played a clip of Tan Mom doing porn. Howard said she just pops up in scenes and doesn't do any actual sex scenes. Howard said this is some gay film where she plays the receptionist in the office. Howard said this is some behind the scenes thing that they found. Howard played the clip and Tan Mom was saying she was distracted by this good looking guy in front of her. She was supposed to be saying her lines.
Howard played another clip where they told Tan Mom what she was supposed to say. Then she says something completely different. Howard said she's supposed to say she has an opening for two. Then she just starts talking about how she's blonde and she can't remember. She actually tells them to cut. Tan Mom says the wrong lines and the director tells her what she was supposed to say. She said that she just said that... but she didn't. Howard said she's a camera hog. She had one line to say but she kept saying about 10 lines.
Howard said he has to take a break and get set up for this I Want To Get My Grandpa Laid contest. Howard said they have an elaborate set up for this. He said that it's sponsored by the movie ''Bad Grandpa'' which opens on October 25th. Howard played the intro and said he hopes that the grandpa doesn't have a heart attack. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said there was a commercial on 1010 WINS there in New York where a lawyer says if you were hit by a tree limb then contact him. Howard wondered how many people he could be trying to get. Howard said that's a lot of money pay for a commercial if there aren't many clients out there. Gary said there's a story about a lawyer who sends kids around to document every sidewalk crack. Gary said if you trip on it you can sue the city. Robin said it's the same thing with potholes. Gary said if a tree limb does hit you then you can sue the city.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she just wanted to give accolades to Fred Norris. She said he has done a fantastic job. Howard said what she should be saying is thank you to Howard for finding Fred. Howard said it's not Fred who deserves the praise. The caller thanked Howard for giving us Fred. Howard said that's a lot better than the original call.
Howard said he's going to bring in the two ladies who will be servicing the grandpa that wins this contest. Howard said they have Rain Riches and Caressa Kisses from the Bunny Ranch. Howard said they have to call off this contest because the grandpas are going to have heart attacks.
Howard said they have very young and fresh girls there. Howard said he was reading about Rain. She's only been working at the Bunny Ranch for 3 weeks. She said her family has no idea that she's working there. Rain said she's known Dennis Hof since she was 16 when she met him on the Tyra show. Howard asked what her family thinks she's doing. She said they think she's waitressing in L.A. Howard said that's a good cover job.
Howard asked Rain how many guys she covers a day. She said it can range from 3-5. She said she had a 67 year old once. She said that's the oldest. She said she actually likes seeing the grey pubes.
Howard asked Rain if she has to sleep with Dennis. She said that is voluntary. She said she doesn't have to do anything. She said he does have to make sure they do quality work. They call Dennis ''Daddy'' there.
Howard asked Rain if Dennis gives her tips. She said that he does. Howard asked if she finds Benjy attractive. Rain said he's cute. Howard said ''Really?''
Howard asked Rain about being up for just about anything but S&M. She said she's not into that but she's into anal. Robin asked what her sexual experience was before the Bunny Ranch. She said she was getting around. Howard said he read that she won't do black guys. She said their dicks are too big. She said she's never seen a black guy with a small cock. She said they're all monster cocks. She said she prefers 8 inches and below. Howard said he's 6 so that might be good. She said that's perfect. Howard said some women don't want it too big. Howard said 6 inches is a good way to get a rest.
Howard asked if she has to shower up and douche after doing a guy. She said she does have to shower. Howard asked if she's bi-sexual. Rain said she is. Howard asked if she likes her work. She said she loves it. Howard asked if she's okay with this contest. She said she is.
Howard moved on to Caressa and said she was supposed to get a degree. She said she did. She said she's a surgical tech. Howard said she went to school and left the Bunny Ranch. She said that the job didn't pay as well as the Bunny Ranch. Howard said he read that she won as the highest earning Bunny at the ranch last year. She said that is true. She said she was gone for 6 years. She came back and won. Howard said it says she earned nearly half a million last year. She said that's right. She said she loves to cater to others. Howard said they must really appreciate her there at the Bunny Ranch. They have 600 prostitutes working for them now. She said they have two other brothels out there in Nevada now.
Howard said Caressa spent 8 days with a guy who doesn't have control of his bladder. She said he refuses to wear diapers so she had to change his clothes like a child. She said he refused to wear Depends. Caressa said she begged him to wear one but he refused. Howard asked what she did when he crapped himself. She said he has no problem with his bowels, just his bladder. Caressa said it took 4 days but she eventually got him hard. She said it took a lot of teasing.
Howard said they say that Caressa had sex with a 98 year old man and his wife set up the date as a dying wish. Howard asked if it was sad. Caressa said it was. She said that she was his last wish and she was trying not to cry. She said she talked to the wife many times on the phone but never did meet her. She said the guy was able to get it up too. Howard asked if she went to his funeral. She said she didn't but she did send flowers. She said he died in under a year after that date.
Howard said one of the grandpas is 90 and it's possible that he could have a heart attack. Caressa said that is possible. Howard said Caressa isn't into anal and she won't give it up to anyone. Howard said he recently had a guy stick his finger up there and that's not fun. He said it was a doctor though. Howard said it does hurt. Howard said he doesn't even call him his doctor anymore. He said he calls him his friend.
Howard said Rain can take it and she enjoys it. She said she can orgasm from it. She said it's the best. Howard said if a guy wants anal then they go to Rain.
Howard asked if Caressa how many dates she gets a day. She said she likes to see one guy as long as she can. She said she likes to take her time and enjoy the person she's with. She said the most she sees in one day is 5 guys.
Howard said these girls are safe because they get tested and all of that. Howard said it's a 50/50 split at the ranch and it's better than being a street hooker. Robin said some street hookers give all of their money to their pimp.
Howard asked Caressa about going to work and what her family thought when she went back to being a prostitute. She said that they weren't happy. She said she wasn't making a lot of money though. She said she hadn't had sex in a year when she went back to the Bunny Ranch. Howard said he's going to take a break and then get the contestants in there. Howard thanked the people from Bad Grandpa for sponsoring this.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they should do a ''I Want to get My Grandma Laid'' contest. Howard said that's gross. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said this song makes him sad. He cut that off and played the intro for the ''I Want To Get My Grandpa Laid'' contest. Howard said this is the big day they've been waiting for. Howard said they have to thank the ladies from the Bunny Ranch for coming in. Howard said they're not bad at all. He said they met Rain Riches and Caressa Kisses.
Howard said hello to Lynn and Bill. Lynn brought her grandpa in. She said he's a Navy veteran. She said that he used to watch her peel her grapes as a kid. Bill is 80 years old. He said he did 4 years in the service. He said he was in the Korean war. Howard said he appreciates that. Bill said he worked in a coal mine too. Howard asked if he had black lung disease. He said he did. He said he has that COPD thing in there. Howard said he thinks that he can sue someone for that.
Howard said Bill could end up with one of those girls over there if he plays his cards right. Howard said that Bill was married but his wife passed. bill said he was married 43 years. He said he has a honey who is 72. He said she's like a kid. He said she's pretty cute too. Howard said he would like to be with one of these ladies. Bill said that wouldn't hurt a bit.
Howard asked if Bill can still get it up. Bill said he gets Viagra. He said he takes just half of one. He said one gives him a headache. Howard asked if he has a large erection. Bill asked what's large. Howard said over 8 inches. Bill said he's under that. Howard said it's still possible to get it up at 80. Bill said it is. Gary said Bill gets the Viagra free. Bill said it's actually $8 a month.
Howard said Lynn calls Bill Paw-paw. She said that's just what they call him. Howard said Lynn told them that she wanted him to enjoy his final years on earth and that's beautiful. Howard said that must be a loving family. Howard asked if Bill is embarrassed by that. Bill said he had The Clap at one point. He said about 6 years ago it cleared itself up. He said he had to take penicillin to get rid of it. He said he got it in Korea. Howard asked Lynn if she knew that. She said he did ask her husband if he had ever had it. He said he didn't and Grandpa just told him it's no fun and walked off.
Howard asked if any other grandpas had the Clap. Bill was the only one. Bill said he's the only one he knows of that ever did. He said no one else he knew in the service ever had it. Howard said that shit burns. Bill said it does. Bill said that it hurt so bad they would hit it with a book. Bill didn't do that himself but that's what he said some people would do. Howard said Bill is a live wire.
Howard asked Rain and Caressa to show Bill what he's playing for. They took their tops off for the guys. Bill said he was about to faint. He said he doesn't even need Viagra. Bill said they look like a 10 to him. Howard said they're not freaked out by his age either. Caressa and Rain were ready to go. They didn't mind his age at all.
Howard asked Bill if he'll do anal with the girls. Bill said that he's had it about everywhere. Howard asked if he wants sodomy and a blow job. Bill said something unintelligible about that.
Howard said it's a miracle that Lynn is normal. Howard said she seems normal anyway. She said that's the biggest compliment she's ever had. She said that the thing that sparked this is that Bill was just diagnosed with a skin cancer that's very rare. She said it's on his bladder and kidneys. She said that he doesn't want to go with chemotherapy or anything. Howard said that means that he might be leaving the planet soon. Lynn said that they thank him for this memory. She broke down crying and that made Robin cry. Robin said she understands. She said she's been through it. Bill said ''God bless ya'' to Robin and that made her cry even more.
Howard said that was very beautiful what Robin just did. Howard asked Bill why he's going to avoid the Chemo. Bill said he's a quality life guy. He said everyone he's known who went through Chemo died anyway. He doesn't want to do that.
Howard said he's sorry to hear about his cancer. Bill told him not to be sorry, be happy. Howard said he's happy that he's dying then.
Caressa was crying as well. Howard asked why she was crying. She said that's very hard. She said she's dealt with that before and the emotions are hard. Howard said the girls are all crying and JD is whacking off. Howard said Benjy is eating.
Howard asked JD if that was touching. JD said it was. Howard said he's one of the judges and he may have touched something in there. Howard asked if Ronnie is touched. Ronnie said ''Who gives a shit?'' Howard said that was a very touching story. Ronnie didn't have anything to say to that.
Howard moved on to contestant number 2 which was Josh and Albert. Josh is the grandson. Howard asked what his grandpa means to him. Albert is 91 and a half years old. He said he's a young soul and one of the most caring people on the planet. He said his grandpa makes sure he has equal time for all of his grand kids.
Howard asked Albert if he feels young inside. Albert said not really. He said he's good at faking it. Howard asked what it's like to be 91 years old and what's hard about it. Albert said losing his hard on is hard. He said people don't treat him like a man anymore. He said he lost the hard on about 30 years ago. Howard asked if he's hoping that these girls can raise the dead. Albert said he doesn't think that they could. He said he's had enough women try but it hasn't worked. Josh said they're all 70 plus years old though. Howard said maybe these girls can do it. Howard said just look at them. Albert said he'll try like a son of a bitch to get it up. He said that he hasn't taken his eyes off of them.
Caressa said they have an herbal supplement for Viagra. Albert said he has tried Viagra but the women don't care usually. Caressa said that she'll take care of him. She said that she'll do oral and a lot of foreplay. Robin asked if Albert can take it. Howard said the girls look great and they're pros. Robin said he's saying that the women out there have to do something.
Howard said Albert was married to his wife for 50 years. He said she passed away. Albert said he met a woman about a year later and he lived with her for 14 years. He said she started to get dementia. He said her kids were afraid that he'd marry her so she's up in New Jersey now.
Howard asked Albert if he has anything to say to the judges as to why he should be the one to win this contest. Albert didn't have any military service to mention. Howard said he could have lied about that.
Albert said he lives in an old community in Florida. He said all he finds there are people who came to live there and they're all in their late 80s and 70s. He said that they found out his age when his sons threw him a birthday party. Josh said that ruined his reputation. Albert said they stopped talking to him after that. Josh said that the women he's found have forgotten how to make a man happy. He said they had never done foreplay and things like that. Albert said the women also told him how wonderful their husband was. He said that's not a turn on. Howard said it's hard to be attracted to a woman in her 80s. Albert said it's very hard. Albert said he'll go down on a woman when she lets him. He said his girlfriend has never had foreplay but he has a ball with her. Howard said they won't blow you either. Howard asked when he last had a blow job. Albert said he can't remember. Rain started to cry when she heard that. She said he needs oral every day. She said that's part of sex. She said she'll let him go down on her and she'll go down on him too.
Howard said old age is looking worse and worse to him. He asked Albert if he uses internet porn at all. He said he doesn't. Howard said he's a fascinating man. Howard said he's trying down there in Florida. Howard asked Josh what he wants to say about his grandpa. Josh said he needs this. He said he's 91 and he's done so many things for other people. He said he puts other people before himself. He said that's the way it is with his own kids or his grand kids. Howard said he's inspired by this. He said that they're able to talk about sex with their grandfather. Howard said he can't even do this with his father.
Howard moved on to Ed and Johnny. Howard said Ed is the grandson. Howard asked him about his grandfather. He asked where they're from. Ed said they're from Illinois. Ed said his grandfather is a legend. He said he's taken some of his friends from him. He said he always talks about sex and having a big titted African American. Howard asked Johnny if he's ever fucked a black chick before. Johnny said he got a blow job from one. Howard asked why he has this fantasy. Johnny said he's not particular. He said he loves every race. Howard said they're lucky because Rain is a lovely African American woman. Howard asked if her boobs were big enough for him. Johnny said that they are wonderful.
Howard asked how long Johnny was married. He said he was married for 58 years. Howard said it must have been tough when she passed. Johnny said it was 11 years ago so he was 70-something. He's 86 now. Howard asked if it's tough being old. Johnny said it is very tough.
Howard asked Johnny if he can get an erection. Johnny said he can. He said he can still masturbate and cum. Howard said Albert was getting him a little depressed. Johnny said he looks at porno all the time. Howard asked Ed if he can talk to his grandpa about this stuff. Ed said he's thought him a lot of things. He said he has taught him to be a true gentleman. Howard asked if he'll cum on their face. Johnny said he would if she wants it.
Howard asked when Johnny was last with a hot chick. He said it's been about 11 years. He said he had a hot piece for a wife. Ed said that his grandpa is a pretty wealthy man and his family doesn't want any women taking his money so they don't want him dating.
Gary asked how many women Johnny has had in his life. Johnny said he'd rather not say. He got married at 17. He said he probably had 3. Johnny said maybe when he was asked if he got laid when he was married.
Howard said getting married at 17 makes it hard to keep it going. He said that his wife never found out about the other women. Johnny said she never did.
Howard asked what he'd like to do to these women. Johnny said he wouldn't believe it. He said he'd like to go down on them and get a blow job. The girls were fine with that. Howard said he's yet to see a problem with anything these girls will do. Howard asked if he can behead them. They said that would be a problem.
Howard asked Johnny if he wants to do anal. Johnny said he's not looking for that. Howard said Johnny likes to chew tobacco. He's still around though. Johnny said he had cancer in 1996 but he beat it. Ed said he thought he wasn't going to make it but he pulled through.
Howard said it makes him sad that he never got his grandfather laid. He said he was 20 when his grandfather passed away. Howard said they're all straight but he'd like to know if any of them have had intercourse with a man. Bill, Albert and Johnny said they have not.
Howard said now it's time for the tough part. Howard said that it was an honor to talk to all three of them. Howard said we have to learn to get old with dignity. Howard said he hopes he can get an erection when he's in his 80s. He said he admires them coming clean with this stuff. Howard said he's falling apart already and he has a drippy prostate. Bill said his is working pretty good right now. Albert said he has drippy pee. Bill said he only does when he drinks too much beer.
Rain and Caressa said that they want to lay each and every one of them. Howard said they should do it right now. Howard said Bad Grandpa is sponsoring this contest. He said he has to thank them. Howard said he never imagined that Robin would cry during this bit.
Howard asked Gary for his vote. He said this is going to be tough. Gary said they all have great spirits. He said Albert is 91 and looks great. He said he feels for him but Bill is sick. He said you don't know how much time Bill has but then you don't know how much time any of them have. Howard said they're all going to meet their maker soon. Bill said he's going to be buried at sea. He said he's going to be cremated and donate his body to science too. Robin said he can't do all three.
Howard asked Albert what his plan is when he dies. Albert said he has a plot picked out. Howard asked Johnny what he has planned. Johnny said he wants to be cremated and mixed with his wife's ashes. Howard asked Bill if he believes in God. Bill said he does believe in a supreme being. Howard asked Albert if he does. Albert said he does. Howard said he may start believing that too.
Gary said he's going to give his vote to Bill. Howard said he has one vote so far. Bill thanked him for that. Robin asked when he last got laid. bill said he got it on the 24th of September when he was diagnosed with cancer.
Howard asked Robin for her vote. Robin said she loves them all. She said she's going to vote for Johnny though. She said Albert has been out trying to get something going. Robin said Johnny hasn't gotten laid since his wife died.
Howard went to JD for his vote next. JD said he thinks Bill has had some experiences and Johnny has too. He said he's going to give a vote to Albert. He said he feels bad for him. He said these women want to do stuff so let him have it.
Howard said the competition is fierce. Howard said that there isn't a clunker personality at all. Howard went to Ronnie next for his vote. Ronnie is an actual grandpa so he can relate to them. Ronnie asked Rain why she has her top on. She was a little shy. Howard told Ronnie to concentrate and give his vote. Ronnie said he feels bad for Bill. He said Johnny has gotten laid. He said he thinks that Albert has been trying. He said he's going to pick Albert. He said he needs a good blow job.
Howard said Albert has 2 votes and Bill and Johnny have 1 each. Howard went to Fred next. Fred thanked Bill for his service. He said he has a honey so he's ruling him out. He said Albert has made it to 91 and he could suffice with a hug and a kiss since his equipment doesn't work. He said he's going to go with Johnny. He said he's almost a virgin even though he fucked around a bit.
Bill said he wants to drop out of the contest and give his vote to the 91 year old (Albert). Howard said he has to check the rules. He said he can't give his vote away. Bill said he's the senior person there. Howard said he'd give it to him because he never had The Clap.
Howard asked the girls if they have a favorite. Howard went to Rain first. She said she'd do them all. She said that's why they're hookers. Howard asked Caressa if she has a vote. She said she wants them all too. Howard said it's up to him again. He said it comes down to him every time. Howard said Bill is out but it's a tie between Albert and Johnny. Howard said Johnny has been a virgin since his wife died. Howard said Albert is out there in the trenches. Howard said he doesn't know who to vote for. Howard said he sees why the judges are so torn. Howard said he Bill has a nice young honey. Howard asked Albert what his licking technique is. Albert said he does everything. Howard asked if he has licked an asshole. He said he hasn't had the courage to do that yet. Howard said he has to pick one. Howard said Johnny wants it bad. Albert does too. Howard said the first one to get an erection wins. He said both of them are sweethearts. Robin said he has to make a decision. Howard said he wishes that Albert was his grandpa. He said Johnny hasn't had any pussy at all. Ronnie said he doesn't believe that. Howard said this is breaking his heart. He said he wishes he could vote for Bill too. He said he's going with Johnny because of Fred's logic.
Howard asked where Dennis Hof is. He said maybe he can get all three to the Bunny Ranch. Howard said Johnny is the winner but he'll see what he can do. Dennis came in and said this is some circus today. Howard asked him how he gets these two laid. Dennis asked what they wanted to do. they wanted all three out there. Dennis said that's what they'll do. Howard said he didn't want to put him on the spot. Dennis said he's so happy because he had a threesome with them last night. He said he's giving all three of them a trip to the Bunny Ranch. Everyone cheered.
Howard asked if Dennis is really okay with that. Dennis said he's not only going to give them one day. He said he's going to give them two days. Howard asked Albert what he thinks about that. Albert said this is the best day of his life. Bill said it don't get no better than this.
Gary said Albert and his grandson grabbed each other's hands like they had done it when Dennis made the announcement. Howard said they're all going down to the Bunny Ranch. Dennis said he's making America happy one cock at a time.
Howard said this is going to be some party. He said they have their work cut out for them though. Howard said they have to work extra hard for these guys.
Dennis said that Sam Simon is their buddy now and he has them doing meatless Monday at the Bunny Ranch now. Howard said you have to go to the Bunny Ranch web site at BunnyRanch.com to find out more about the ranch. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he's talking to Brandon from NBC about doing this Grandpa show. Howard asked what they were listening to. Howard thought it was a commercial. Fred said there is no commercial right now. Howard wondered what happened to that guy (Axl Rose).
Howard said he just sold a 26 week commitment to NBC for Get My Grandpa Laid. He said that he never expected Robin to get so emotional. Howard said they come up with shows that are emotional on every level.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that some of those guys are getting pussy. Howard said it's old pussy though.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he used to think Dennis was a scumbag but he turns out to be a good guy. Howard said he is a good guy. He said it was breaking his heart to give it to just one guy. Howard said all three were great. Howard said he has to thank Bad Grandpa for sponsoring the contest.
Howard took a call from a woman who said they have to bring the guys back after they go to the Bunny Ranch. Howard said he has to sell that idea too. He said he's selling and creating as he goes along. Robin said she wants to know how it went with those guys. Howard said he thinks that Albert will be able to get it up. He said even Dennis looked at him and said he'll get it up. Howard said the Bunny Ranch should start a retirement home where these guys can get laid every day.
Howard took a call from Hanzi and asked what he thought of that contest. Hanzi said ''Who gives a shit.'' He said that he can't even get laid. Robin said these guys really wanted to. Howard said he's out of line. Howard said it's 3 old guys who don't have many years left. Howard said their dream came true. Howard said there's no happiness in Hanzi's life if he can't find happiness in that contest. Hanzi said Howard is the same as him. Howard said he is not. Howard said he isn't like Hanzi. Howard said that he doesn't live in his parents basement like Hanzi does. Howard tried getting him all riled up with some clips. Howard hung up on him and said he had to get to news.
Robin read about a guy who was fired from the NSA after he was caught tweeting out secrets.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this contest was the best. He said that he was so happy when they gave trips to all three of them. He said he hopes Howard is still around 20 years from now so he can sign up for the same contest.
Robin read a story about a very blonde girl who was with a gypsy family in Europe. Robin said they're now saying that the girl does not belong to the parents. Robin said they think she was probably abducted so they're going to try to figure out where she belongs.
Robin read about how the new iPad and iPad Mini were announced yesterday. Howard said they get him every time but the thing is hardly different. Howard said they're disrespecting him. He said he loves the Mini but the new iPad is so much lighter now. He said he likes the size of the Mini though. He said the big one is faster though.
Howard said he and Jon Hein are going to get one. He said they bond over that stuff. He said he doesn't like talking tech with Gary. He said he's always arguing with him. He said he and Jon just say they're going to get it. He said Gary just argues about why he needs it. Jon said he might get the bigger one. He said there's only 2 inches between the two. Howard said the big one is too big. Howard said Jon is starting to sound like Gary. Howard asked why they didn't do the thumbprint reader. Jon said he's not sure why that is. Howard said the new guy doesn't get you all that excited. He said Steve Jobs was good at that. Jon said Jobs really was good at that. Howard said they aren't even available right now. He said they announce it and you have to wait weeks for them. Jon said he's not sure why they do that either. Jon said you can go up to 128 Gig on those things too. He said that's a lot of space. Robin said she thinks she's going to get one or the other. She said she may get the Mini. Jon said he's getting the Air right away because the Mini is due out later.
Howard said they can do things they could only dream about 30 years ago. Howard said we're in such a beautiful world. Howard said just imagine what's going to happen in the future.
Robin said Heidi Fleiss was arrested. She said they should have spoken to Dennis about that. Robin read about how Fleiss was arrested in Nevada allegedly high on marijuana. Robin said they found her driving without license and insurance as well as DUI. Howard said she didn't have one thing right.
Robin read about the support for the legalization of pot being on the rise. Howard said we should just grow it, tax it and be done with it. Howard said the cartels would go away. Howard said he really should run for President. Howard said Jesse is more out there than he is. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West getting engaged. Robin read about how he proposed to her with a 15 karat diamond ring. Howard said that marriage can't last. Robin said he spent a lot of money on that ring. Howard played a Kanye song where he sings about blood on the leaves. Jason came in and said that's a theme throughout the album and it's about slavery. Howard asked if he's into Kanye. Jason said he's way into him. He said he's going to see him in concert soon. He even sang a little bit for Howard.
Robin read about the most popular car color. Howard said he thinks it's black. Robin said it's actually white. Howard said it's hard to keep clean. Robin said white shows the dirt less. Robin said 1 in 4 cares are white. Howard said he didn't know that. Robin said silver and black are tied for second.
Robin asked where the best pizza can be found. Howard said it's not at Pizza Hut, that's for sure. Howard said Jimmy Kimmel knows a guy who makes good pizza. Howard said Beth eats frozen pizza all the time. He said she has a glass of wine with it. He said he thinks it's Ellio's. Robin laughed but Howard said he's not kidding. Howard said he thinks the best pizza is in New York. Robin said it's actually in Connecticut. Frank Pepe's is the best according to the web site The Daily Meal. Howard said he should try it. Robin said they have a white clam pizza that's supposed to be really good. Robin said Brooklyn's D'Farrah is second. Howard said they're all in the New York area. Robin said number 3 is actually in Phoenix. That's Pizzeria Bianco. Robin said 30 spots on the list were in New York. A dozen were in Los Angeles. Howard said he would bet that the place in Phoenix is a bunch of New Yorkers.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wants to ban Eric from the show again. He said he's a struggling actor and he'd cripple himself to get the jobs they offer Eric. Howard asked who his favorite Wack Packer is. The guy said it's Big Foot. Howard said he should get him back in there.
Robin read a story about a boy who killed his Neo-Nazi dad. Howard said that's a weird thing. Robin said a judge has to decide what to do about this. Robin said the kid was 10 at the time and he's 13 now. Robin said the judge has found that the boy did commit the crime but they have to figure out what to do with him from now until he's 23. Howard said he thinks he should be in an alternative place.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's eaten at Frank Pepe's and the white clam pizza is awesome. Howard said he's not sure what to think about that. The caller said this clam pie is phenomenal. He said there's one in Yonkers that he should try.
Howard tried to take a call from Mariann from Brooklyn but she wasn't there. Robin said there are dogs that can sniff out cancer. Robin said they are working with dogs to sniff this out and she had some audio of a doctor talking about that.
Howard said he has a cat named Leon. He said that when he's 20 minutes from home the cat waits by the door until he gets home. He said Beth tells him this happens every time he's on his way home. Howard said Beth knows he's coming home but Leon doesn't. Howard said they have 5 cats. He said the cat loves the basement and he's always down there. Howard said he only comes up when he knows he's coming home. Howard said that's why he's a North Shore Animal League person. Robin said her cats were always waiting for her to get home too. Howard said he wishes Beth would do that too. Robin said animals love you in a way that human's just can't do.
Robin read more about the cancer sniffing dogs. Robin also read about some jerky treats that have sickened dogs and killed a bunch. Robin said the treats are from China. Robin said they say this is a very mysterious thing.
Robin read about a man who is facing 8 years in prison after driving the wrong way on a highway and crashing back in June.
Robin read about the NY Yankees being valued at $3.3 billion. Robin said the Dodgers, Red Sox and Mets are up in the $2 billion range.
Robin read about how one of the Boston bombers was accused of another crime up in the Boston area. Robin said they say that could affect the trial for his brother. Robin said she's not sure why that is.
Robin read about how there's a new company that's going to fly people to the edge of the atmosphere in a balloon. Howard said he's not sure why anyone would do that. Robin read about how the trip will work and how the cabin will be about the size of a private jet. Howard said it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Robin read about the fight at the Jets / Patriots game and how 4 people have been charged. Robin read about what some of the families are saying about the fight.
Robin read about a Texas abortion law that could go into effect. Robin said that they're going to be arguing it in court today.
Robin read about the Powerball jackpot being at $216 million. Robin said the jackpot has been growing since September. Robin said the chances of winning are 175 million to 1. Robin wrapped up a short time later. Howard ended the show around 10:10am.
Jon wondered why Howard was picking him as his new tech talk buddy. JD said he thinks that he might be a fresh person to talk to since he's been talking to Gary so many years. Jason said Howard said that Gary argues with him about tech and Jon shares in his excitement about it.
Jason said he has an iPhone 5 and he's frustrated by it. He said he's not sure that he needs a big screen. He asked Jon if he finds himself missing the big iPad. Jon said not at all. He said if you watch stuff on your phone you get used to it. Jason said if he gets an iPad then he'll get a Mini.
Jon said he wanted to get out of that discussion and move on. Jon wondered why Howard was inspired by today's contest. JD said maybe it's because the guys were older but still into women and kind of sexual. He said that might be a big fear for Howard. Jon said he thinks that he's right about that. Jon said he had a question for Ronnie but now he's wondering who related most to the contest. He said he had written that for Ronnie but he thinks that Howard may have related to it the most.
Benjy said he thinks Howard is more worried about aging in general. He said it might not be the libido thing.
Jason said he thinks that Robin related to it. She went through a life or death thing and these guys are all up there in age so they might be close to death. Jason said she may have related to how close to death's door they are.
Gary said he thinks that Jason is right about it not being an age thing. He said he was wondering about Bill not wanting to go through Chemo. Jason said that he would rather have quality of life because he's seen what his friends have gone through.
Jason said that Albert was begging women to do something in bed. He said the guy is 91 years old and he thinks that he'll enjoy the Bunny Ranch the most. Gary said he was trying to imagine himself at 91 and still wanting to get laid. He said that he comes from a different generation where women just didn't want to please men in certain ways.
Gary asked if anyone else got choked up today. Gary said he did when Bill's granddaughter started to cry. He said that Robin started to cry and he felt bad for Bill. He said Robin is like their family so that made him sort of sad.
Jon said the grandchildren have a bond with their grandparents. Jason said this is why the contest was good. He said that the grand kids had to get it started and they all get it and they all love their grandfather. Jason said that Lynn isn't a fan of the show and she heard about it from her boss at work. Jason said he thought they were all wonderful people.
Gary said Albert and his grandson grabbed hands like Charlie and his Grandfather when they got the golden ticket. He said they had the hugest smile on their faces. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon asked Ronnie if he was texting someone over there. Ronnie said he was answering an email. He was yelling at Jon but said he's not yelling. Jon asked why Ronnie was so into Albert. Ronnie said he's 91 years old and going out to different condos trying to sniff out pussy. Gary said Albert was so old that he's old enough to be Ronnie's father. Ronnie asked what the fuck that's about.
Jon said Bill told a very heartfelt story and they go to Ronnie and he said he didn't care. Ronnie said he was joking around. Gary said he thinks that he meant it and then thought about it and thought it was wrong. Ronnie said he was really joking. He said he wouldn't make that up.
Gary asked Benjy who he would have voted for. Jon asked if he was upset he didn't get to vote. Benjy said it's fun to participate. He said he would have gone for Albert. He said he would have wanted to cheer him up the most. He said he seemed like such a nice guy too. He said he felt horrible when he said that everyone in his community found out he was older they turned him away. Gary said that's ageism.
Jon said it sounds like Johnny has had a fun life. Ronnie said he came out to him and gave him a big smirk and shook his hand. He said he thinks he's still getting laid.
Jon asked if Ronnie bonded with all of the contestants. Ronnie said he gets to meet them all before anyone else. He said he said hello and told them to sit in the green room and shut the fuck up. He said he's just joking again of course. Jon asked what has gotten into him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thought that was one of the greatest shows he's ever heard. He said it was great when Dennis came in and gave trips to all 3 of them. Gary said it really was the right thing to do. Gary said when you get to the day you realize how hard it is. He said that it's a heartfelt thing. Jon said that there have been a lot of contests on the show and sometimes it's easy to pick a winner but it was hard today. Gary said you always want a contest when you have interesting people.
Jon asked JD what he thought about the women from the Bunny Ranch. JD said he wouldn't turn them away. Gary asked if he would chat with them. JD said he would if they want to chat with him. Jon asked what he thought about the one who came back to the ranch after going to school and work for 6 years. JD said she was the one who got naked and she did have a great body.
Ronnie said he was wondering why the other girl didn't take her top off. He said he wanted to see her boobs. He said the other one's boobs were great.
Jon said Dennis seems like a nice guy. Gary asked Ronnie if he's ever been to the ranch. Ronnie said he's been invited but he's never gone. Gary said he's been invited too but he can't go. He said Dennis tells him it's work though so he should go out there.
Jon asked Ronnie what kind of fun he likes to have. He said he likes to mingle with people. He said he went to a ball game with Jon once and he had more fun than Jon. Jon asked why he thinks that. Ronnie said he just has a different kind of fun than Jon does.
Jon said that JD doesn't mingle with everyone. Ronnie said he does when he drags him out to the block parties.
Gary asked who has the least amount of fun on the show. Gary said maybe it's Scott Salem. Ronnie said he's not going there. He said he and Scott have some great conversations but he feels bad for the guy. He said Scott doesn't have fun. He said his fun is going home on Tuesday to bowl. Jon said maybe that's the kind of fun he has. Ronnie said he used to go out with a big group and drink with them. He said he doesn't do that anymore.
Steve Brandano said he had a great time with Scott out bowling. He said he does have fun. Ronnie said he doesn't get out enough to have fun. Steve said he gets out more than JD does. Ronnie said he doesn't believe that. Benjy said that JD goes home to his spoons and has fun with that.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks Howard has fun. Ronnie said he has things he likes to do and he has fun doing what he does. He said he likes to go out to dinner and watching TV with his wife. Ronnie said he and Stephanie watch TV together and they spend a lot of time together... a LOT. He said they still have a lot to talk about even with the big age difference. Jon asked when he became the fun police. Ronnie said he's not.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Ronnie what his deal is. He said he's the oldest guy there and he still acts like he's 30. Gary said that's a compliment. The caller said he has to grow up eventually. Ronnie said that guy in there today was 91 and he talks just like him. The caller said he can't stand Ronnie. Ronnie said he's sorry to hear that. The caller said he comes off like a dick. Ronnie said he is a dick. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he thinks that Ronnie has to stop being an obnoxious asshole. He said he's so hostile toward everyone. He said he's like a baby having a temper tantrum.
Benjy asked Ronnie what has made him sad lately. Ronnie said the whole thing with Robin tore him apart. Jon said Rain liked Benjy's look today. Benjy said he thinks that he has something appealing about him to black people.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Jon is a phony and Ronnie needs to shut the fuck up. He said Gary is the reason he listens to the show. He went off on Benjy too saying that he is a fake ass mother fucker. He said he can't stand him on the show. He said he thinks that he paid this girl to date him in the beginning and she has Stockholm syndrome. Benjy started talking over the guy since the guy wasn't giving him a chance to talk. Benjy said he isn't being true to his black roots. Benjy said he knows this guy isn't a black person. Ronnie said he's stupid too.
Gary said he had a thought today. He said he wanted to get away from that discussion they just had. He said that 91 year old guy who came in today and he was in a wheelchair. Ronnie said he wasn't in a chair. He said another guy was. Gary said he was just wondering what makes you want to keep living. Ronnie asked if you're supposed to kill yourself. Benjy said some people do. He said if you have your mind and you get enjoyment from things then you want to keep going.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Ronnie why he has to be such a dick about guys who drive a truck. Ronnie said he used to drive an 18 wheeler himself so he was joking around. The caller said his son loves riding around in his truck. Ronnie said he drove one for 5 years. He never took his kid to school in one though. Benjy said he thinks that would be fun. Ronnie told him to try it on a narrow street in Queens.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ronnie has trouble completing a thought. Ronnie said he doesn't have a problem.
Jon said Hanzi called in today and Howard said that he was out of touch since he felt nothing about the contest today. Gary said he agrees with Howard on that. Jon asked Ronnie what he thinks about that. Ronnie said that guy is nuts. Gary said he thinks that Hanzi suffers from narcissism. He said all of his complaints are about people being after him to get him. Ronnie said he met that guy up in Canada and he was the nicest guy. He said he thinks when he gets on the phone he goes nuts. Gary said maybe he only calls in when things aren't going well.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he hopes Ronnie keeps fucking broads until he's 150 years old. He asked Jon and Gary why they're breaking his balls. Gary said they're not saying he shouldn't be fucking. He said that Ronnie is acting like a little kid. He said lots of people go on banging until they're 80.
The caller said that Jon is so fucking boring too. He said Jon knows what the fuck he's doing. Ronnie said Jon is hosting a show so he turns people's screws. Gary said that it's getting people talking more on the show. The caller said he thinks Jon needs to get laid more. He said he thinks Ronnie is getting it more than they are. Gary and Jon said that they both agree that Ronnie is getting laid more. They ended the show a short time later. They were done around 11:00am.