|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about how he was driving around doing various things around the city yesterday. He said he was looking out on the street and he likes to do that because he can observe people without them looking at him. He said he saw some tourists that looked miserable. It was really hot out and the whole family looked miserable. He said it looked like torture. He said he never understands going to a big city for a vacation and dealing with that.
Howard said he was reading about the Pedicab people and how they're tricking tourists and charging them ridiculous amounts to give them a ride. Howard said there are people screwing they want less government but people don't behave. He said if they behaved that would be fine. Howard said they set up this industry of people dragging people around in a cart and they kept the regulations kind of loose. He said they say you can charge people what they want but they have to tell them up front. Howard said what these guys do is put a tiny card out that they can't read. Howard said the driver will say it's a dollar a block but on the card there's a thing that says it's $100 per person. Howard said that's what some of these guys are doing. He said that the tourists must be scared shitless of these guys and they pay it.
Howard said he had a story about another guy and they say they're following the law. Howard said the guy doesn't mention the $100 per person when they ask. Howard said this one guy was charged over $400 for 2 people to ride. Howard said they're just there to have a vacation and all of their money is gone when they get off the Pedicab. Howard said the guy had the rate in his rate card in tiny type. Robin said she might charge that much too if she was driving. Howard said you just have to tell them up front.
Howard read more about this couple who had to pay over $400 and then the driver asked for a tip. Howard said the same driver picked up a doctor and charged them $316 to drive them a few blocks. Then he had an $86 tip on top of that. Howard said they don't tell the people what they're going to be charged.
Howard said people from out of town don't know what they're going to be charged. Howard said he'd like to take that bike and throw it under the car so they can never do it again. Howard said that's what these people should do.
Robin said she's sure it's not every Pedicab driver. Robin said she was taken to the hospital by a Pedicab driver when she broke he wrist. Robin said he took her into the hospital and he didn't even take any money from her. She said that driver was great. Howard said that was one nice guy. He said these guys are scumbags. Howard said they give their names in the article but he can't even pronounce it because it's from some foreign land.
Howard said this is why those tourists are so miserable around the city. Howard said we have to look for more government because of things like that.
Robin said that they say if you lie less then you'll have a happier life. Howard said those guys are scumbags. He said that's outrageous. Robin said they're going to kill their own business. Howard said they'll complain that the government is telling them what to do. Howard said people abuse freedom. He said that they just have to be honest.
Robin said that she was thinking of the Olympics and how freedom doesn't work for all sports. She said you just have to look at the Chinese to see that. Robin said they had a picture of a Chinese coach standing on one girl's legs. Howard said he saw that too. Robin said the girl was crying but now she's a winner.
Howard said that's a real roast. He said they've thought about doing one for him over the years but you really have to have people who hate you there roasting you. That's what Roseanne had.
Howard said he was out to see a Broadway play when he was in the car watching people on the street. He said he really doesn't want anything to do with a Broadway show though. Howard said John Stamos is starring in this play called ''Best Man'' and that was written by Gore Vidal. Howard said Vidal just died recently. Howard said he remembers this one page in a book by Gore Vidal, Myra Breckinridge, and it had a sort of dirty scene written in it. He said that back in those days he didn't have any porn. He said back then he found a used up nudist magazine on the street. He said he kept the magazine in his sister's doll box. He said his sister wasn't playing with dolls anymore so he was able to hide stuff in there. He said he had cigars and porn in there.
Howard said that page in the book was a real turn on to him because the girl had a nice belly and she was in a belly shirt. Howard said that's one thing that he's really attracted to on a woman. He said if she has a flat belly he'd be attracted to her even if she had a bad face.
Howard said last night Beth decided to get rid of some of the dog stuff and it's so hard. He said they're going to donate some of her stuff to North Shore. Howard said he has to thank some of the fans for what they did. He said they got $20,000 in donations in Bianca's name. He said for people to do something like that made him feel really good. Howard said these animals will get better care thanks to the fans. Howard said it breaks his heart with these pets. He said he sent out a picture over the weekend and some friends went out and adopted two of them. He said he was in love with the kittens. Howard said this one, George, is the one he posted a picture of. He said that he has to thank the audience for what they did. Howard said Beth is writing thank-you cards to everyone who did that. He said it's very nice.
Howard said he's a big supporter of the Wildlife Center in the Hamptons. He said they want to offer a photography session with him. He said the starting bid is like $20,000. He said all of the money will go to the charity. Howard said they do a lot of great work out there. Howard said if there is someone with deep pockets and wants to bid on it then they can go to WildLifeRescueCenter.org to bid.
Howard said that he can do the photo session with the winner and they'll figure out what they want to do. Howard said he'll work with the person. Howard said if Robin won he'd shoot her book cover. Howard said he'll do whatever the person wants to do. Howard said he may pass on a few things but he doesn't know.
Howard said he went to this Broadway play and he actually got there late. Howard said he's never late but the traffic was awful. Howard said he saw the play and this may be John Stamos' role of a lifetime. Howard said the play is good and John is good in it.
Howard told Robin what the play is about and how the play holds up. Howard said James Earl Jones, John Larroquette, Cybill Shepherd and John are in it. Howard said that Kristin Davis was in it and she looked fantastic. Howard said she played Stamos' wife and the play was really good. Howard said they had a message and it was fantastic. Howard said he appreciated being there. Robin said he's not complaining. Howard said they had two intermissions and he has to complain about that.
Howard said it was a packed house and he heard some cell phones going off. He said they ask you to turn them off but you still hear them go off. Robin said people are such babies. She said that they can't do what they're supposed to do. Howard said that's why they need more government.
Howard said Robin made that woman's day. Howard said that she went from being angry with her to loving her. Howard said that you can win people over with kindness. He said Robin turned that woman around so good for you. Robin said that it was amazing that they called someone who believed their breasts were beautiful. Howard said maybe they can call someone else like that and make them feel good too. Howard said he has to take a break. He said he has a lot of phone calls to get to and he'll get to them after the break.
Howard came back and talked about ZZ Top and how they're like 1000 years old now. He said they still have those beards. He said the beards look like old grape vines with no grapes on them. He said they're getting really odd looking. Robin asked if they're really into the beards or is it something that they just stuck with. Howard said that people might not recognize them without their beards.
Howard said he's got a lot to get to. He said that he was reading about how the Oprah network signed Latoya Jackson to do a reality show.
Howard said he read about this guy who shot up a Sikh temple thinking that they had something to do with 9/11. Howard said they had nothing to do with it though.
Howard said that Jeffrey Ross is going to be in at 8 this morning. Howard said he was at the Roseanne roast that he was talking about earlier. Howard said he went to the roast dressed as Joe Paterno. Robin said he had his arms around two young boys. Howard said he has some of the roast and this is an exclusive. Howard played some of Jeffrey's roast. He was Joe Paterno so he was making jokes about kids. Jeff was making jokes about a bunch of people in the audience there. He was goofing on Gilbert Gottfried and then Roseanne and the chair supporting her. Howard was cracking up at while the clip played. Roseanne didn't understand some of the jokes so she was asking what he talking about. Jeff was making fun of Seth Green saying he looks like James Holmes.
Howard said Jeff is brutal. He let the clip play and kept laughing. Howard said Jeff will be in later this morning. He said he consistently kills at those roasts. Howard said his preparation goes into the months and you can hear it. Howard said it's a phenomenal thing for him. Howard said the guy is awesome.
Howard said he was watching this video of a guy who is a foamer. Howard said the guy gets excited by trains. Howard said he was watching the tape and the guy is there alone taping the train and he's in love with trains. Robin said it's not even a great train. She said it was just two cars. Howard said it moved 50 feet forward and then backward and that was it. Howard played the audio of this guy getting really excited about the train. It was a 1953 train and he was screaming about the bell and then the horn when they blew that. Howard said he can't relate to that.
Howard said he was like that when he was in bed with Beth the first time but that was a whole different story. Howard said he doesn't know the guy just like he doesn't get the Brony-Con guys. Howard said he has gotten a lot of hate mail about what he's said about the Brony guys. Howard read one where this guy went off on him for misrepresenting them. Howard said this is one of millions he got. Robin said it can' be millions. Howard said it might be more like 10. Howard read through the letter and the guy was saying that these fans are very courteous and kind unlike many others. Howard said they should be kind and gracious or they'll end up in prison. Howard read what this guy was saying and he claims that there are very few of them who actually masturbate to My Little Pony.
Howard played more of the train guy and wondered if someone can really get that excited over a train. Robin asked who this guy is playing the tape for. Howard said he's playing it for them. He said he thinks the guy blew a load watching that train. Howard said he'd love to interview the guy and ask if he's ever fucked a train. He said he knows some people fuck inanimate objects. Robin said some guys do that to cars and stuff like that.
JD came in and said that the guys who fuck cars are called Mechaphiles. He said that one guy wanted to fuck the helicopter from Airwolf. JD said the guy gets all emotional talking about the helicopter.
Howard asked JD what's going on with this girl he likes. JD said it's complicated. He said she lives in a different state. Howard asked what's going on. JD said he didn't want to get into it. He said she's being pulled in different directions. Howard asked if people are pulling her away from him. JD said it's a whole thing. Howard asked who would do that to him. JD said he didn't want to get into it. Howard asked if she's married. JD said he doesn't want to get into it. Howard kept asking and JD kept saying he didn't want to get into it.
Howard said JD is trying to get into a relationship with this woman he met out on the road during a Ronnie's Block Party show. Howard said he feels bad for JD. He said he can't just get a chick that's not complicated. He said it's fucked up. Howard said JD wants her and he can't have her. JD said he didn't know it was going to be like that. He said he really doesn't want to get into it.
Robin said that JD is the one who chose the girl with all of the problems. Howard said that's what happens every time. Howard goofed on JD for another minute and then let him go.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked if he ran into Artie and Artie thanked him for saving his life. Howard said he did run into Artie and Artie did appear to be doing well. Howard said he loves Artie and he hopes he's doing well. He said he seemed to be doing well back then. Robin said she read something about Artie. Bobo said he got arrested in Paris. Howard and Robin weren't aware of that. Howard said he doesn't believe that Bobo can read an article. Bobo said he can read. Howard said he doesn't know anything about that. He said it doesn't sound good though.
Bobo said that Dominic Barbara is born again too. Howard said he ran into Dominic recently and he told him that. Howard said Gary told him that Dominic told him he wasn't friendly to him. Howard said Dominic was complaining that he was disappointed in him. Howard said he was trying to eat dinner and he spent like 15 minutes talking to him. Gary said he felt he gave him short shrift. Bobo said he read that Dominic had tried to jump off a balcony in Florida but he wasn't able to fit over it because he was too big. Howard said he doesn't know anything about that.
Howard said that Lisa G's cup size has captured everyone's attention. He played a new news intro that Sal and Richard made for her saying that there's no way she's a D-cup. The Bleeding Deacons also came up with a song parody about her not being a 32-C. Howard said that she claims that she's a D, not a 32-C. He said they're a little bit off. He went to break after that.
Howard said he was reading about Sharon Osbourne and the reason that she's leaving AGT is because her son, Jack, was fired from a TV show that was on NBC. Howard said she's implying that they fired him because he got ill.
Howard read the article about what's going on and how Sharon claims that her son was fired from this show because of his health issues. Howard said they say a doctor said he shouldn't be participating in the show and now Sharon may be quitting over that. Howard said that he hopes they work it out because he enjoys working with Sharon. He said it sounds like she's really pissed off though. Howard said he will talk to her about it over there when he's back.
Howard said he would bring this up to Sharon on the results show. Howard said he thinks it would be compelling TV. Robin said this isn't about Sharon though. Howard said they could pass on the musical acts and talk about this stuff. Howard said he could talk to the judges for 2 or 3 minutes. Howard said they just want him to judge though.
Robin said this has been going on since June. Howard said he didn't know about it and no one tells him anything. He said he and Sharon talk about stuff but she didn't bring this up. Howard said maybe she didn't want to burden him with it.
Robin said she read that they never even hired him to be on the show but Jack is claiming that he was. Robin said that Jack is willing to buy his own insurance policy for the show but they still don't want to go through with it. Robin said maybe Sharon will calm down about it.
Howard said he read an article Andrea Peyser wrote about Taylor Swift dating this Kennedy kid. Howard said she was saying that she should get away from that family as quickly as possible because of their history with women. Howard said maybe the kid is okay. He said he shouldn't be lumped in with the sins of the past Kennedy's. Howard said maybe he'll be a good dude with women. Howard said there has to be one good Kennedy out there. He said this seems kind of crazy to him.
Howard asked if he was ever in the FBI. Dale said he was not. He said he is a criminal behaviorist and that's like a psychotherapy kind of thing. Howard asked if he's analyzing him right now. Dale said he is not. He said Howard is too good.
Robin asked if the TV shows are accurate at all. Dale said that they are not. He told her not to get him started on that. He said that Silence of the Lambs was a good movie though.
Howard asked Dale what he would hire him for. Dale said that he writes interrogation questions for suspects that are arrested. He said he worked on the Jon Benet Ramsey case. He said he wrote an analysis of the ransom note and things like that. He said his job was to get her upset about the questions and it worked. He said she threw a chair during the questioning. Dale told Howard that she wasn't arrested and they were just questioning her.
Howard said they were cleared in that case. Dale said she was not. He said in his opinion it's clear that Patsy killed her daughter. He said that's just his opinion. He said based on the evidence he saw that's what happened. Howard asked what it was that made him believe that. Dale said he can't talk about that. He can't bring up the evidence. Howard said he thought they found a guy who confessed to it. Dale said they didn't. He said there was a guy who was cleared back in the 90s and it's still an open murder investigation to this day. He said that little girl deserved justice and it really bothered him that it was never solved.
Robin asked if Dale thinks it was an anger thing. Dale said he thinks that Patsy was losing control of her daughter. He said that's just his opinion. Dale said that Steve Thomas wrote a book about it that's really good and if you want to know more you should read that.
Howard asked Dale if he's an expert in his field. Dale said he is. Howard said he's been on Oprah before. Dale said he was on talking about date rape and she didn't like what he was saying. He said that they got away from the date rape thing and talked about how parents raise kids. He said that it's like the Wolfie interviews and how they drive you crazy when you listen.
Dale said he's been a fan of Howard's since 1985. He said that he's been listening since then. Howard said that Wolfie told him that this guy should be on the show because he's so good at this profiling thing.
Howard said he wants to play a game where Dale talks about some people he profiled and they will have to guess who he's talking about. Howard gave him a plug for his web site Seraph.net and for his book and then got to the game.
Howard said the profiles are very accurate. Dale said that they are and people will not like them. Dale read one where he described a person who wasn't able to move from one successful career to another. He had some stuff about the clothes he wears and a bunch of other things. Robin thought it was Sal. Howard said he's not sure about that. Howard and Fred had some questions about it and they figured that it wasn't Sal. Dale said he didn't even profile Sal. Howard and the guys tried to guess who it was and Fred asked if it's Jon Leiberman. Dale said it is not. Dale had to tell them that it was Lisa G. Howard asked him to read the profile again. Dale read it again. He read it line by line and Howard kept saying ''Hmm'' to each of them.
Howard asked Lisa if she agrees with that. Lisa came in and said she knew it was her right away. Howard asked if he's accurate about what he said. Lisa said no. She didn't agree with what he said about her clothing.
Howard asked if Lisa is well adjusted. Dale asked if anyone is. Howard asked if anyone there is dangerous. Dale said they're all gone. He was talking about KC. He said he called Gary years ago and told him to get KC out of there or he'd end up killing someone. Howard said he never did.
Dale read another profile about this person who has a non-traditional lifestyle and they might have a fetish for things like swinging. Howard said maybe it's Scott. He said Scott didn't do that out of fame. Dale said that this person changed professions. Howard figured it was Benjy. It turned out to be Ronnie. Howard said Ronnie did go berserk. Dale said Ronnie wanted to be like Howard. Howard said he thinks Ronnie thinks he is him. Howard told Dale to repeat the profile. Dale went through it again and talked about how Ronnie has changed.
Howard asked if Ronnie is qualified to be his body guard. Dale told him not to go there. He said he will go off on that if he makes him talk about it. Dale said that he and Howard are dads. He said that Howard is married and has a wife. He said if you're responsible for taking care of someone you have to have training. He said Ronnie can't possibly have training. He said he watched Ronnie standing there with Elliot Offen in the studio once. He said that Ronnie can't be properly trained based on what he's seen. He told Howard about some of the things Ronnie should be doing and doesn't do.
Howard had Ronnie come in to defended himself. Dale said he has questions for Ronnie that will prove he's not qualified. Howard asked where he is. Gary said Ronnie started to walk in and he made a left and didn't answer him when he tried getting him in there. He said that he may be letting someone in but Ronnie had to have heard him.
Howard said Ronnie is an angry guy. Dale said his issue is with Ronnie not taking his training seriously. Ronnie came in and said that it's okay and he has his opinion. He said he's fine with it. Ronnie said he has nothing else to say.
Dale asked Ronnie what every body guard carries with them at all times related to gender. Ronnie said it is a tampon. Dale said that he's right. Dale said that you can plug up a bullet wound. Howard asked Ronnie if he's ever taken a course. Ronnie said they have a guest there. He said if he's not happy then Howard can get someone else. Howard said he's just curious. Howard asked why he's so uptight. Ronnie asked why he's busting his balls. He walked out.
Dale said he doesn't like to be held accountable for anything. He said that Ronnie must feel that it's beneath him. Howard asked if he's too hot headed to be a security guy. Dale said you have to be able to calm people down and not aggravate them. He said it's hard to tell what's real and what's shtick with Ronnie. Howard said that was real.
Howard had Dale read another profile. Dale went through that one and this person had a neurotic parent. Robin guessed it was Gary. Robin was right. Dale said that Gary sought out a woman who would deal with his deviated sexual behavior. Gary came in and asked what that refers to. Dale said that it's anything outside of regular sex. Anal, peeing, spanking... Gary said he thinks he's a little bit off. Gary said he didn't even talk about doing that stuff on the air.
Dale went through another one of his profiles. This person had some issues with sexual insecurities and things like that. He said they have fear and intimacy issues to this day. Howard guessed it was him. Dale said he's right. Dale said he is a big fan of psychotherapy and the Dr. Sarno book. He said that Howard is holding back in his therapy. He said that Howard is a married man who uses condoms. He said that means he has intimacy issues. Dale said he has to give that up. He said that he's keeping one foot back in his OCD. Gary said he doesn't want to get his wife pregnant. Dale said there are other ways to keep her from getting pregnant.
Dale said Howard can control his body and he could control it. Howard said he doesn't want to fuck up and get his wife pregnant. Howard said Beth would never get an abortion for herself. Dale said that Howard is going to have a child. He said there are only two types of women who don't have kids. He said Beth doesn't fit into that. He said that she has the dogs and that's like their child. He said he thinks eventually that will happen.
Dale said he thinks that Howard will have to be healed before he dies and he thinks that if he gives up the condoms that will help. Howard said he doesn't use a condom every time. He said he really isn't holding back and Dale doesn't know everything.
Gary said he uses condoms sometimes. He said sometimes he doesn't. Howard said his dad used condoms. Dale said he thinks that it's germ issues and intimacy issues that they have. Howard said that's just not true. Howard said he doesn't buy this.
Howard and Dale went back and forth on that for a couple of minutes. Gary was in on it too. Dale said that it's obvious that Beth loves him and that's a real thing. Howard said he's a terrific husband too. Dale said that when Howard quits this radio show there will be an issue. He said that Howard lives in a bubble and he sees him doing a Howard Hughes at some point. Howard said that might happen. Dale said it doesn't have to happen though. Gary said Howard is more willing to go out than he was 15 years ago. Dale asked when he was outside the country in the past 10 years. Howard said they are talking about going to Italy but they didn't go this year because the dog is old. Howard said he doesn't have excuses anymore. Dale told him to leave the condoms at home and go to Italy. Howard said he doesn't want kids.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't agree with the condom thing. He said that the business with Ronnie is great. He said he has called Ronnie out before and now this guy has confirmed what he's said. Howard said it was funny how he chased him out of the room. The caller said Ronnie will just yell over you on the phone. He said he's a hot head and he's cranky. Howard said he's not sure why he's so afraid of Dale. Howard said he's not afraid of Dale. Dale said he just wants Ronnie, as a professional, to get the training. dale said he was training air marshals in tactics last year and they really need to know how to handle people. He said he's just asking Ronnie to get his training. Howard said he gets that.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked if Howard makes out with Beth. Howard said of course he does. Howard said if they don't make out and they don't have foreplay then what? Dale said they're missing the point. He said that there are a few types of sex and that is all relative. Howard said he's not worried about anything. He said he's having a good time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this guy is crazy. He said Howard could knock up his wife if she's ovulating and he doesn't use a condom.
Howard said he has to move on but Dale said he had two more profiles. Howard told him to give him one good one. Dale read one about someone who had trust issues but they were able to get through them into adulthood. Robin knew that it was Fred. Howard had Dale repeat that one. Dale said that Fred is the most stable one there. Howard agreed that he did overcome a lot. Howard said Fred has a very stable existence. Howard gave Dale some more plugs and thanked him for coming in. He said he learned a lot about Ronnie and about himself.
Howard thanked Wolfie for bringing him by too. Howard said he has to have Wolfie come in there. Wolfie came in and said that Dale is very accurate and very opinionated and he knew Howard would like him. Howard said Ronnie was the guy who couldn't handle it. Wolfie said Ronnie was out there pouting as soon as his name came up. He said he thinks the spotlight was put on him today. Howard said he has some Wolfie interviews to play later today. He said he was out talking to people at Chick-Fil-A.
Ronnie came in saying he didn't have to talk to this guy if he didn't want to. He said he's not being defensive. He said the guy has no idea what he does. Wolfie asked what it is he does. Ronnie said he doesn't have to tell anyone what he does. He said he doesn't have to explain himself to this man. He said he's no one to him.
Ronnie said he doesn't want to talk to Dale and he doesn't want to talk to Wolfie. He said they don't know anything about him. Howard asked why. Ronnie said he just doesn't want to. Ronnie said that it's Howard who likes to put him on the burner. Howard said Dale put him on the burner. Ronnie said that if Howard isn't happy with him then they have a problem. He said he doesn't need Dale to tell him anything. Howard said there's no reason to get so upset. Howard said Ronnie is really fucked up. Ronnie agreed. He said he talks to who he wants to talk to.
Howard said maybe he could learn something. Ronnie said he knows nothing about him. Howard said he was just asking about something. Ronnie said he doesn't know where he came up with that shit about him being a swinger. He said that he's not walking out, he's just saying that he's a nobody and he doesn't have to talk to him.
Howard said Ronnie is firing himself. He said he didn't bring him in for him. He said he just did some profiling. He asked Ronnie if he wants to leave his job. Ronnie asked why he has to talk to this guy. He left again a short time later.
Howard said Ronnie is out in the halls pacing. He said the guy is all upset. Howard said he can't believe it. Howard said Dale didn't even get out half a question and he leveled the guy. Wolfie said that Ronnie is the first one to challenge someone when they're not a team player but then when you question him he runs away like he's not a team player.
Howard asked Dale if Ronnie is the most volatile one there. Dale didn't get a chance to say. Howard asked if he knew that it was Tim who shit. Dale said that he was on the train with Tim over the weekend. He said he wanted to say hi but he didn't get a chance to. Howard said he may have to keep Ronnie out of the Intern Beauty Pageant tomorrow. Howard gave Dale some more plugs and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that Jeff Ross is there fresh from the Roseanne Roast. Howard said they just did that two night ago.
Howard said Jeff has lost some weight since he last saw him. He asked when they did the roast. Jeff said it was on Saturday night. Howard said this roasting stuff has made him huge. Jeff said it's their new national pastime.
Howard said in the past they did roasts that were kind of falling apart. They were being friendly to the people they were roasting. Howard said the Dean Martin roasts were vicious. Howard asked if it's hard to say this stuff to someone's face. Jeff said he will only say it to their face. Howard said the joke he said about Carrie Fisher was brutal. Jeff said the only time he balked at that was when he said some stuff about Farrah Fawcett not looking good when she looked good and he worshiped her his whole life. Jeff said that some people do get upset with him too.
Howard said he heard that Penny Marshall got mad at him. Jeff said that's because it was behind her back. He said she got mad at him at a roast for Rob Reiner. He said he was roasting him at a Friar's Club Roast and he wasn't sure how to roast him and he made a joke about Penny and how the song ''How Much is that Doggy In the Window'' must have been playing. He said that didn't go over very well.
Howard said Jeff thinks about his roasts for months. Howard said he must charge a lot to do a personal roast. He did one for the Maloof brothers once. Jeff said that he got paid in chips and cash like an old school type of thing. Howard said he must really blast them when he roasts them. He asked if they ever ask him to take it easy. Jeff said he doesn't do that.
Jeff told Howard about doing the Maloof brothers thing and how Penny Marshall was there yelling at him trying to shout him down. Jeff said that she started coming toward the podium and he asked if she was Lenny or Squiggy. He said he was escorted out of the event and kicked right out. Howard said it is a tough thing to do.
Howard said he saw him at Jimmy Kimmel's party and he was about to go on the road with Charlie Sheen. Howard said Charlie tried to go out and do stand-up and he was bombing. Jeff said he was bombing every night. Jeff said he was at the party with Howard when Charlie called. He said Charlie sounds like it's Apocalypse Now whenever you talk to him. He said Charlie asked him to come out and interview him in Atlantic City. Jeff said that he doesn't do that so he said that maybe 20 minutes into his show he could come out and roast him. He said he has to be able to say whatever he wants though. Charlie said ''Done.''
Howard said Jeff gets there and then goes to meet Charlie. Jeff said he had stuff scribbled everywhere. He said that he took jokes on his way out of the party and scribbled down his own stuff. Howard asked if people at Jimmy's party were giving him ideas. Jeff said he was getting stuff from Norm and George Clooney told him not to say anything he'll regret if Charlie dies. Howard said you have to get to the biting truth and really wreck the person.
Howard said he doesn't want Jeff roasting him because he gets to some real truths. Howard said it would hit him and hurt. Howard said he knows it'll be really bad shit about him. Jeff said that's not his style. He said if Howard is the guest of honor he wants people saying that it was so much fun and Howard to go home and tell his whole family the jokes. He said it's backhanded compliments. Howard said he doesn't think he'd hold up well at the roasts. Robin said some people back out of the roasts because they can't take it.
Howard asked if there's anyone he won't work with who go too far. Jeff said there isn't a too far but there might be a ''too much.'' He said that Milton Berle gave him some advice that you don't have to hit someone 8 times. He said you can hit them twice. He said that Whitney Cummings hit Pam Anderson too many times with the vagina jokes. Howard said Jeff is remarkable and he loves all of his stuff. Jeff said sometimes they can be healing. He said it was like a reset button for Charlie Sheen.
Howard said he read that the Roseanne and Tom Arnold stuff was really funny. Jeff said it was really authentic and it was alive. He said he didn't know if he was going to be allowed to come out. He said he had a hunch that something might be up the night before. Jeff said they told him no so it was a surprise when Tom was allowed to come out.
Howard had Jeff get back to the Charlie Sheen story. Jeff said he went up to see Charlie and he had one eye on a baseball game and the other on him. He said Charlie wasn't nervous at all even though this tour was bombing. He said Chuck Zito was there and he walked up to him and put his fist to his nose and told him to make sure his jokes don't go to him. He said Chuck wasn't joking around. He said he was protecting his guy.
Howard asked Jeff if he can defend himself. Jeff said he can. He said he took karate classes when he was a kid. He said that gives you a certain confidence and he can defend himself if someone throws a punch at him. Howard asked if he could take out a few 5 year olds if he brought them in. Jeff laughed.
Howard asked Jeff how the show went with Charlie. Jeff said he was doing his shtick for about 15 minutes and someone yelled out they wanted a refund. He said Charlie doesn't have the skills to work with that kind of thing. He said Charlie called the guy up to the stage and gave him $100 and then 80 more people ran up to the stage asking for refunds.
Jeff said they threw him out on stage in a full hazmat suit and he went to town on Charlie for about 10 minutes. He said he was doing jokes about the child custody thing while it was going on in his life. He said he got meaner and meaner in every city and the guy let him do it. He said they did the roast on Comedy Central and he watched it with Charlie at his house. He said the guy was great.
Howard asked if he became friendly with him after that. Jeff said he did. He said he would do 15-20 minutes at the shows and he would do speed roasts with the audience just to get through the show.
Howard asked how he does the roasts off the cuff. Jeff said he can do that. He said he could do that to Fred for a few minutes. Howard asked him to do it now. Jeff took a look at Fred and said he loved him on To Catch a Predator. He said he's a scary looking guy and he might get someone killed. Jeff said he has a whole special that's airing this Saturday where he roasts people. He said he's on stage in 8 cities and he invites anyone who wants to get roasted to come up on stage. He said that's on this Saturday on Comedy Central.
Howard said he's almost unroastable. Howard asked Jeff if he could come up with a line right now. Jeff said he likes to talk about what's going ahead. Howard asked what he could say. Jeff said that Howard almost got into a fight with Howie Mandel... a guy who doesn't like to be touched. Howard said that almost likes to make him feel good. Jeff tried another one where he said Howard Stern is the ugliest motherfucker and that's not a joke, it's reality.
Jeff said he wrote some stuff for Howard. Howard said he might have to stop him if he can't take it anymore. He said he might have to have chuck Zito walk in and stop him. Jeff joked about Bob Levy introducing him at past roasts and ruining his introduction. He had some jokes about Robin not being there and stepping on his jokes with her fake laughs. He said the closest they have to a person of color is the brown stains on Tim's fingers. Jeff talked about shitgate and that got Howard talking about that. Howard was cracking up at this stuff. Jeff said they beat that topic more than Fred Willard beat his cock.
Howard wondered what was up with Fred Willard. Howard said he asked him to come on the show and he declined. Howard said he'd love to know what he was doing. Jeff said he thinks he was bored and maybe he had a few drinks.
Howard asked Jeff where he's jerked off that's weird. Jeff said he jerked off in a pool. He said he did it in the ocean too. Jeff said they need Robin back there. Who else would they get to Google the news. He had a joke about the Sirius execs and how they're going to find someone to replace Howard. Who else would work 4 hours a day 3 days a week?
Howard asked Jeff if he's friendly with Jay Leno. Jeff said he hasn't been on that show since 1996. Jeff said he wrote a note to the head guy over there trying to get in on the Prime time show Jay did and he said he wanted to play in the big leagues. He said the guy wrote him back and said ''get a bigger bat.'' Howard said he doesn't get that.
Jeff said he has his late night pals like Jimmy Kimmel. He said he will be on his show next week actually. Howard said he got to talk to Louis CK when he was at that party with Jeff. He said he seems like a down to earth kind of guy. Jeff said he thinks that he's friendly with him.
Jeff said that he likes Amy Schumer and he worked with her on Saturday at the Roseanne roast. He said that she did some jokes that were similar to his and he was thinking about cutting some. He said he just went with them and did them with confidence. He said they might cut some out. He said that's why he likes going on late in the roast so he can kind of roast the roast.
Howard asked how long he goes on for. Jeff said he did 8 minutes. He said he thinks they'll run most of it. He said he was dressed as Joe Paterno. Howard said that seems kind of controversial. Jeff said he was the one struggling with it. He said he didn't want it to be taken as glorifying the guys. He said that was his way of expressing his freedom of speech since some comedians have had to apologize for some of their jokes. He said he thought it could be funny and impactful. Robin said ''who knew it could be that deep.''
Howard said he did an OJ joke on Letterman shortly after it happened. He said Dave gave him shit about it and then 3 nights later Dave and the other late night guys were doing jokes about it. He said he's glad he did it when he did.
Jeff said he also did a Batman joke. Howard said that's right. He had played the audio earlier in the show. Howard said he should replay some of that. Howard asked Gary where that clip is. Gary told him where it was. Howard played some of Jeff's roast at the Roseanne Roast. He had a few Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky jokes in there. Howard played the whole clip that he played earlier.
Jeff told Howard that Sarah Silverman gave him the cunt joke about Roseanne's personalities. Jeff said that people offer him ideas wherever he goes. He said that he gets influences and he feels he's roasting Roseanne vicariously for the fans. Howard asked how Sarah will give him jokes. Jeff said they'll go out to lunch and he'll just pick up on something she says and he'll use the joke. Jeff said that Sarah is very supportive like that.
Howard said Jeff hit Seth Green with the joke about him looking like James Holmes and how at least that guy is doing something in theaters that will be remembered. Howard played more of that set. Howard said that was just a small portion the roast.
Howard asked Jeff about what happened on Dancing with the Stars. Jeff said he got hurt. Howard said that girl he was dancing with had some body. Jeff said he did hit on her but she's married. He said that they loved each other but in a way that couldn't be realized. Howard asked Jeff what it's like to be dancing with a girl like that and if he gets a boner. Jeff said he did get a boner and he thinks that Edyta must have loved it in some way. Howard said that Jeff got a fingernail in his eye from her. Jeff said that his thinking was that he wanted to be an all around entertainer. He said they were doing this dance and he got a call from Chris Rock who told him to ''fuck the dancing and write some jokes.'' He said then they went to camera blocking and he was in make up. Edyta was getting her nails done. He said the last move where they do this move where her hands are close to his eye. He said that she sliced his cornea with her nail. He said he wasn't able to open his eye for 15 minutes. He said he had to get in the ambulance and go to the hospital. He said he went to a specialist who told him he can't dance. Jeff said he had been working months on this. Then the word got out after people saw the ambulance there. Robin said you have to not move your eye. Jeff said he had to wear an eye patch. He said if he could walk he would dance. He said the show must go on. He said the producers told him of course the show was going on.
Jeff said he went out and danced but he danced poorly because of the eye patch. Howard said they should give him another chance. Jeff thanked him for that. He said the last time Howard gave him a plug it worked out for him. He said that might help this time.
Jeff said that Howard said he should write a book about roasting and a month later he had a deal. He said the book did well too. Howard said if they won't put him back on Dancing with the Stars they should let him bang Edyta at least. Jeff said that he danced so poorly that people sent in money thinking that it was a telethon.
Howard said Jeff has his own show, Jeff Ross Roasts America, on Saturday on Comedy Central at 11. He asked Jeff if he could just speed roast him now. Jeff said he could but it's tough. He also has the Roseanne Roast on Sunday night and then his own show called ''The Burn'' where he goes to celebrity homes and roasts them in their home.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Jeff is kicking ass. He said he had never heard of him until he was on Howard a few years ago. He said he's excellent on the show and at the roasts.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked him to roast Gary Dell'Abate. Jeff asked how Gary can be in charge of this show. The only thing he can produce is plaque. Howard liked that one. Jeff thought it was pretty good too.
Howard asked Jeff if he's been able to find a woman who can put up with this. Jeff said he has a girlfriend now and she's a comedian. Howard asked if that's going to be a problem if she blows up big. Jeff said he thinks he can handle it. Howard said he doesn't think he'll be able to handle it if she gets more famous. Howard said that's tough for a man.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked about the Richard Branson roast and why he didn't like it. Howard said he finds this fascinating because he can do roasts in a corporate way. Jeff said that Richard's friends hired him to do the roast and he didn't know about it. He said that's where it went wrong. Jeff said that his friends thought they would get him back with the roast. He said they were at a private function and people were dying laughing knowing that they were punking him. He said he didn't want to surprise the guy but he figured he'd give it a try. Jeff said he was 6-7 jokes in and he could see that Branson was getting worked up over something. He said he was on a roll and Branson was laughing and enjoying it. He said it's kind of like being molested. He said you eventually just try to enjoy it.
Jeff said that Branson came up to him and laughed with a drink in his hand. Then he dumped the whole drink on his head. He said he figured that's not the line of work he wants to be in. Howard said maybe he thought he was being funny. Jeff said powerful people don't want to be caught off guard like that. Jeff said he tried to be a good sport because he broke his own rule not to surprise someone like that. He said his uncle just turned 90 and he begged him to roast him. He said that's the best way to do it when someone wants it.
Howard asked Jeff when he started doing roasts. Jeff said he did them at the Friar's Club first. He said he pushed Comedy Central and Drew Carey to do them. Jeff said he didn't even know what roasts were at first. He said that someone asked him to do it and Greg Fitzsimmons had gotten him into it. He said he got to meet some great people. He said Steven Seagal is the guy they roasted and he was humorless. He said he'll never forget it either. He said Milton Berle introduced him and he did his thing. He said he was getting poked in the side by Milton Berle during the whole thing. He said the guy kept poking him every time. He said he had long, sharp nails and he was just fucking with him. He said he didn't know why so he turned to him and asked. He said he and Milton were going back and forth joking about each other and he thinks that Milton didn't like that he was getting laughs. He said Buddy Hackett told him that he should let the kid work and ''remember when you did?'' He said that was Milton's last roast. He said that he went over and kissed Buddy on the lips and he made a joke about it and then Milton came over and kissed him on the lips. Jeff said Milton couldn't deal with other people getting the spotlight like that.
Howard gave Jeff some plugs and started to wrap up. Jeff said he had one more roast joke for Howard. He said Howard is his inspiration. He said he will try to mimic what he has done and he told his people to defecate on the walls, his writers to stroll in late and his co-stars to work from home and still show up even though my contract says I'm owed a ton of money. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he follows Rolling Stone magazine on Twitter. He said this isn't a commercial. He said that he sort of discovers new music this way. He said Perez Hilton is the same way. He said that's what Twitter is good for. He said that he was almost going to cancel Twitter but he likes stuff like that. Howard said he finds that he gets news by reading headlines on Twitter. He said he read about the new John Mayer video on Twitter. He said the song is really good and the video is good too. He said he's walking through various sets and they do it like it's one continuous set. Howard said they'd throw him a guitar and play that and then he'd walk into another set. He said there is no more MTV so he never gets to see that stuff. Howard said the song was good too. He said the song was almost Allman Brothers-ish. Howard asked Fred to find the song.
Howard said he didn't know that John Mayer was that good of a guitar player. Robin said he's been around a while. Fred asked if the song is Shadow Days. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard said Steven Tyler was talking about American Idol and bad mouthed it. Fred found the song that Howard was talking about and interrupted him with that. Howard said that has to be the song. Howard said he's not even sure if that's the one or not.
Howard read more about the Steven Tyler thing and how hard it was to do that and work with the band. Howard said he's having a hard time with the AGT thing. He said he looked at Beth and asked what the fuck he's doing with that show. He said he's slowing down a little bit and trying to enjoy the roses. Howard said he would like to do a second season but giving him 2 weeks off was a mistake. He said he feels like a new man. Howard said he realized what his weeks were like. Howard said he might do something kooky and sign up again. Robin said he does love the show. Howard said he does.
Howard read more about Steven Tyler and what he was saying about America Idol. Howard read that Steven was saying he's not mean like Simon Cowell. Howard said he doesn't think Simon is mean, he's just honest.
Howard said he just got a note that the John Mayer song he liked was ''Queen of California.'' Fred said he'll try to find that.
Howard said he was reading about this Chick-Fil-A thing and people think this is a free speech thing but it's really not. He said that it's about someone supporting someone who is full of hate. Howard said he feels that some of these people are miserable themselves and they just want other people to be miserable too.
Howard said he was wondering who would want to go down with Mike Huckabee and support their Chick-Fil-A. Robin said three are a lot of people who have nothing but time on their hands.
Robin said that a lot of things have happened since they were last together. Robin said that a NASCAR fan is dead and 9 others were injured at Pocono Raceway when lightning struck the parking lot. Robin said that a fan died on his way to the hospital and another one was listed in critical condition. She said the names have not been released yet.
Howard said he has to thank this artist Dwayne Serfass who painted a Last Supper with him and the rest of the crew in it. Howard said he painted it in 1998 and he may not have even seen it until recently. Howard said he has to get on the air and thank him now. Howard said the painting is fantastic. He said he loves it.
Robin read about a man in India who cut holes in his wife's vagina and padlocked it. Howard said that's brutal. Howard said what's the worst thing that could happen if she did that to him. Howard said you just get rid of her and find another woman. Robin said Howard is acting like a sane man. This man is not sane. Robin said that the woman was so miserable that she took rat poison to kill herself. Robin said the guy did this about 4 years ago. Howard asked why they examined her vagina if she poisoned herself. Robin said they must have stripped her down to figure out what was wrong.
Howard read an email he got about Lisa G being a liar. The writer said that all women get turned on by the book ''Fifty Shades of Grey'' and she had to have gotten turned on. Howard said Beth read the book and she got sexed up so he thinks the book must work. Robin said women may have a hard time saying that. Howard said maybe Lisa had a hard time saying that.
Howard said he's thinking about putting a padlock on Tim Sabean's asshole to keep him from shiting in the bathroom. Robin said everyone needs to be safe from Tim.
Howard said a lot of people are telling him that NBC was running commercials without him in them. Howard said there is one with him in it now. Robin said she saw one with Howie talking and Howard and Sharon were just in it. Robin said maybe they have some with each judge. Howard said he doesn't know why he's not in that. Robin said he can be seen but not talking. Howard said he heard there is one where he is talking. Robin said she didn't see that one.
Robin read a story about how some hotel rooms have a TV that will announce your name when you go in. Robin said at Motel 6 this guy was stunned when he checked into his room and saw ''Hello nigger'' superimposed on the channel. Robin said the guy didn't like it one bit. Howard asked who programs the TV, the Klan? Howard said that he checked in and he was greeted with ''Hello, Mr. Ugly.'' He said that must be Don Rickles checking people in.
Robin read about Stevie Wonder divorcing his wife. Howard said he's been through a few marriages. Robin said she only knows about one other. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard had Fred play the John Mayer song he was talking about earlier. The song was ''Queen of California.'' Howard described the video he watched and said it was pretty cool. He said the song is very Allman Brothers-like. Fred agreed. Howard said he liked it. Robin said it was just alright. Howard asked if she's dressed up for the show or is she in lingerie. Robin said she's dressed because she has Jim (McClure) there. Howard said Jim would be fine if she was in lingerie.
Robin read a story about Penn State and how some students have transferred to get away from the controversy. Howard said his brother-in-law has some trophies for playing for Penn State and he's bummed about the whole thing.
Howard said he was talking to Gayle King's nephew at a party and she's very busy doing that morning show and then going to work on Oprah's magazine. Howard said she works some crazy hours but she says she loves it. Howard said he doesn't get who would love that. Howard said he told her that it's a lot of work doing AGT. He said he slept until 10 in the morning this weekend. He said he went to bed at like 5. He said he's so happy when he does that. He said it's being awake that's hard.
Robin read some news about the shooting at a Sikh temple over the weekend. Robin said that a bunch of people were shot and killed and a police officer was shot multiple times. Robin said that the gunman was shot and killed.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Howard makes out with Beth while he's inside her. Howard said of course he does. The caller said that it makes it feel that much better. Howard said it is very intimate. Howard thanked the caller for that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that everyone wants to be a judge since Howard signed on to be one. She said Snoop Lion wants to do it now. She said that Sharon leaving for the reason that he mentioned earlier is crazy. Howard said he thinks everyone has to calm the fuck down with the judging thing. Mariann also said she had to tell him something else but she forgot what it was. Howard was about to hang up on her anyway.
Another caller said that he can't wait to see the new show Beth is going to be doing this fall called ''Spoiled Rotten Pets.'' Howard said that will be on NatGeo and they start shooting in September. Howard said Beth is excited about that too.
Robin read a story about Jesse Jackson Jr. and the condition he's got. Robin said that he was seeking treatment for some illness he has but they say it wasn't depression. Robin said another senator had a stroke and he made a YouTube video saying his recovery has been encouraging. Robin had some audio of that video. They spent a minute talking about whether or not a guy like that should resign or stay on like he is. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said that he has a new sling. Howard said that's exciting news. Jeff said it's called the Ultimate Arm Sling. He said it fits him and none of the others ever fit him right. He said it's all black too. He said he'll be at AGT in 2 weeks too. He said he'll be in Mariann's box. Howard thanked Jeff for the updates. Howard said he's looking forward to seeing his new sling. He said he bets that Jeff will be on AGT as much as he's on the AGT commercial. Howard said Jeff demands to be put in the front and just grabs a seat. Howard said he takes over.
Robin read about the new NASA rover that landed on Mars last night. She had some audio of a guy talking about how they will be searching for signs of life in the past. Howard said they will find nothing. He said we will never be able to live there either. Howard said they'll never be able to have life there. He said if we do it'll be in 5,000 years.
Robin read about this Olympian Gabby Douglas who could get 10s of millions of dollars for what she's done. Howard said they had to apologize for something that happened on the Olympics. He said that Bob Costas said something about this young African American girl and then they go to commercial where a monkey is doing gymnastics. People thought it was a racial slur. Howard said that we can't keep apologizing for things like that. Howard said NBC actually apologized for it. Gary said that those ads are set up months in advance and they don't plan that. Gary said he had a friend who played commercials and he didn't watch what was going on before playing them.
Robin said she was reading about how Ryan Lochte's family is just about bankrupt. Howard said some sports just don't pay. He said it doesn't matter how many medals you win, no one cares. He said there a bunch of sports like that. Howard said that they're thinking that they shouldn't tax people for the fees they get for winning the medals. Howard said he thinks that it's right to not tax them since they're basically gambling and representing the country. Robin said these people don't get endorsements and make money like some people do.
Howard said that they win $25,000 for a gold medal and they have to pay $9,000 of that in taxes. Howard said that they don't all get good endorsement deals either. Gary said if you run track you get good endorsements. Howard said in the Philippines they give $340,000 to the winner of a gold medal. The guys said that they don't have to pay that out very often though. The guys were also talking about Michael Phelps and how his life could fall apart now that he's done with the games. Howard read a live commercial after that discussion.
Robin read about some other Olympics news. She read a story about a guy who tested positive for marijuana so he had to be disqualified.
Robin read about the 67th anniversary of the atomic bomb being dropped on Hiroshima. Howard asked what they do to remember that. Robin said they just observe. Robin said they had some people speak about the event.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Olympians being taxed and how they tax soldiers too. Howard said they shouldn't be taxed either. Howard said they shouldn't tax them or him and Robin. Howard said the caller is right about how wrong that is.
Robin read about a woman getting on a flight and not going through any security checks. Robin said that she got on a United airlines flight to Cleveland. Robin said that there was no incident but she never made it to any checkpoints. Robin said they still don't have the full story on that.
Robin read about the amount of money Mitt Romney raised last month. Robin said that it was over $101 million. Howard said you'd think that would be enough for the whole campaign.
Robin read about a guy who was accused of robbing banks but she was bailed out by the same person who turned her in. Robin had some audio of an official talking about how her father and cousin turned her in after seeing her on America's Most Wanted. Robin said that they bailed her out too though. Howard said he might do the same if he was in that situation.
Robin read about a guy who wrote a song about high gas prices. Robin played the song and it was a country song of course. Howard said it's always a country guy.
Robin had Howard play a song clip. Robin said that was Jennifer Lopez. Howard hated it before he knew it was her singing. Howard pretended to like it when Robin revealed who it was. Robin said that J-Lo is distancing herself from her boyfriend after pictures surfaced of him going to peep shows in New York City. Howard said that she usually gets married and then thinks about it later. Robin said the boyfriend claims that he got lost and entered the wrong door. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon said Lisa came in and handled herself pretty well. He said that she kind of set the tone for the rest of the segment. Jon said that Ronnie got very defensive and offered his resignation at one point. He said he's wondering if he felt that he was getting the treatment of the Ugly App developer again. He said Ronnie is Ronnie and he gets very defensive. Gary said he likes Ronnie a lot but his knee jerk reaction is to be combative. He said that's just the way he's wired. Jon said he really didn't want to go into the studio. Gary said it was very weird. He said Ronnie didn't want to come in. He said he asked him to go in but he said he wasn't going in. Gary said he was yelling for Ronnie to go in and he pretended he couldn't hear him. Gary said Ronnie doesn't want to get involved in this stuff.
Jon said he didn't think of Ronnie as a swinger. Gary said he didn't either. He said he enjoyed that guy today and he thinks that his profiling is based on what he hears on the air. He said that may not be completely accurate.
JD said that when a guy goes on the air saying he loves meeting guys and loves meeting girls that means they might be a swinger.
Gary said that when they questioned Ronnie with the security thing then he really went nuts. Jon said that Ronnie wasn't even fighting the guy. He was ready to quit. He said it was odd that he took that route instead of fighting that guy. Gary said he may have some sensitivity about that because he didn't start out as Howard's bodyguard.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie is the first one in there with strip club things. He said he was Howard's driver for a long time and the guy just goes nuts when he's questioned about the security thing. He said it kills him that he's the head of security because he's not trained. Gary asked why he brought up the fact that he wasn't security the whole 27 years he's been there. the caller said he was just pointing out what Ronnie was saying. Gary said that might be why Ronnie is so sensitive about this stuff.
Jon said that people do question Ronnie's capability. He said Howard doesn't or he wouldn't have the job. JD was laughing and saying that Ronnie gets in trouble for doing pranks at AGT too. He said he wants to see that video they shot back stage.
Jon said that the ''team player'' thing to turned on Ronnie today. Gary said that he's a team player when it comes down to it. He said he thinks that there is humor in that because he eventually does go into the studio even when he says he won't. They went to break after that.
Gary said that he has never really talked about any sex habits on the air. He said he's not into spanking or urination like Dale thought he was. Gary said that spanking is wasting time getting to what you want to do which is sex. He said that you'd think that the guy would be able to see through what he's given on the air and what's real.
Jon said that Howard and Dale got into that condom discussion and that was kind of strange. Gary said that Howard doesn't want to get Beth pregnant and there's nothing wrong with using a condom. He said people who are married too. Benjy said that Howard has made it clear he doesn't want a child. He said he also said it's not always but he is worried about pregnancy and it also helps him last longer.
Jon said he thinks that Gary handled the discussion with Dale fine. He didn't even argue with him like Ronnie did. Gary said that no one is right 100 percent of the time. Benjy said that the Ronnie thing was kind of personal because he was basically saying that he sucks at his job.
Gary said he thought that the Lisa G one was either Benjy or Richard. He said he couldn't think of anyone else who had a career before they were there. He said that it never dawned on him who it could be.
Jon said that Fred had a good profile. Gary said he missed that one. Benjy told him what Dale said. Gary said that sounds good to him. He said he thinks that everyone there could have had theirs start like his did.
Jon asked who takes this stuff as gospel and who takes it with a grain of salt. Gary said he talked to Dale off the air and he is into the profiling thing. He said that Dale told him that some of the guys he reads are full of shit.
Ronnie came in so Jon asked why he isn't willing to talk about this stuff. Ronnie said he thinks that his profile was written by Wolfie. He said he thinks that the language is all written like Wolfie would write it. JD was cracking up listening to Ronnie. Ronnie said this guy can talk about him all he wants but the only guy he cares about is Howard. He said that this guy who is working with him today is a former police officer and he says that he hears these guys all the time and they're not all that great. He said they all sound exactly the same and he doesn't have to listen to him.
Gary told Ronnie that he may have given that guy more satisfaction doing what he did instead of just answering his questions. Ronnie said he doesn't care though. He said he doesn't care about that guy or what he has to say. He said Wolfie has a thing with him too. He said he's up his ass wherever he goes.
Ronnie said Wolfie will only interview people who have bad things to say about him. He said you can see it in the Howard TV interviews. He said he knows he's going to get air time for it so that's why he does it.
Jon asked why he would offer his resignation to Howard. Ronnie said Howard knows he does what he can for him and he doesn't like when he gets on his case like that. He said it hurts his feelings and he doesn't like hearing it so he gets annoyed. He said if Howard isn't happy with him then it's time to go. Jon asked if he thinks Howard isn't happy with him. Ronnie said he really doesn't know.
Gary said Howard has given him a hard time in the past and he knows that he's really not a bad producer. He said he wouldn't have stayed there for 28 years if he was. He said that Robin once pulled him to the side and said that no one knows the show better than him. He said he knows that for this show that is the thing he's good at.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that it seems like Ronnie is uncomfortable talking about security on the air. He said he won't show his cards because there are a lot of crazy people in this world. Ronnie said you don't brag about what you do or what you know when you're trying to protect someone. He said he doesn't have to do that and he doesn't work for that guy.
Gary gave the caller $1,000 cash courtesy of ''The Bourne Legacy'' movie. They went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie never offered up his resignation. He said Howard could fire him if he didn't like him. Jon said that's true. He never said he was going to quit. Ronnie said he never said he was going to quit.
Ronnie was going off on Wolfie again so Gary said he doesn't think that he wrote the profile. He said that would be really weird. Ronnie said that it could have been both of them doing it together.
Benjy asked if he could talk about the swinger stuff even though the kid is there. Gary said it's fine. He said his son was there today. Benjy asked Ronnie if he ever has done swinging. Ronnie said he never has. He said he never said on the air that he had either.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they're caught up in a Ronnie Vortex. Ronnie said he didn't bring it up so it's not his fault. Gary said they did bring it up so it's really not a vortex.
The caller said the whole condom thing with Howard is weird to him. He said he thinks it's an intimacy thing. He was also wondering what they think about Artie getting kicked off his show for a day after pissing on the floor of their studio.
Gary said he doesn't think that it's an intimacy thing with Howard. He said if he was doing it as a germaphobe thing then it would be strange but that's not it. Ronnie said he hates condoms and he's not sure how people enjoy doing it with it. He said you don't get the feeling with them on. Shuli said Ronnie likes it raw. Ronnie agreed.
Gary said he might be right about Howard not being able to take it. He said that they can get pretty brutal. Benjy said when they have done roasts there Howard got roasted. Gary said that it's different when you just gets shrapnel. He said it's another thing when you're the subject of the roast.
Shuli wondered if Howard would put restrictions on anything. Gary said he's not sure about that. Jon asked Ronnie how he thinks he'd handle it. Ronnie said it's hard to say. Shuli asked if there are Tom Arnold types out there that Howard wouldn't want. Gary said there are many. He said that Kathie Lee and Imus are just a couple. He said those could get pretty brutal too.
Jon asked if the profile thing is going to stick with Gary for a while. Gary said he's fine. He said that nothing really bothered him today. Jon asked Lucas if anything like that bothers his dad. Lucas said most of the time he lets it go. He said the anger doesn't stick with him that long. Benjy was pretending to do an impression of Lucas while Lucas was talking.
Jon asked Lucas a few questions about his dad like his bad pitch. Lucas said that he doesn't have a big sense of humor about that. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how Benjy is trying to improve himself. He said that Gary's son Lucas was up there yesterday and he noticed something on the bottom of Benjy's shoes. They're lifts. Howard said Benjy is wearing heals on his sneakers. He said he had to take a look at them today. Howard said Benjy likes to be taller than his girlfriend when she's wearing heals so that's what he was talking to Benjy about. Howard said he lost weight and he looks handsome. He said he has the height now too. Howard said the guy is handsome and that's what his wife tells him. He said she sees it. Robin said she should get her eyes checked. Howard said he had her locked up and you'll never see her again.
Howard said they have a busy show today. They have an intern beauty pageant coming up and they haven't done that in years. He said they have Medicated Pete and Kevin the Sweaty groper coming in to judge. Howard said Ronnie will be judging too but he's very mad at him. He said Ronnie got mad about the way he was treated yesterday. He said Ronnie feels that he's responsible for the way he was treated. He said that he was very down. Robin said he's like a woman when it comes to that stuff. Howard said he hired and pays the guy so he's not sure why he's mad. Howard said Ronnie blames him and that's his logic. Howard said that's why people love to listen to him.
Howard said Roseanne Barr will be calling in today too. Howard said that someone sent a tweet yesterday about Howard-Con. He said he was talking to Ross Zapin about it and he thinks they could do it. Howard said he got this tweet and this guy wants to be ''The Think Tank'' which goes back to the NBC days when they had a group of guys who called themselves The Think Tank. Howard said that they were in for a day or so a week.
Howard asked Gary if he knows anything about the story. Gary said he thinks he may have some of the facts wrong. He sent Jon Leiberman in to talk about it.
Jon said that Teddy was out over the weekend and they got on the wrong train. He said they got off the train and he had 7 guys giving him a hard time. They grabbed his iPhone but didn't take his watch or wallet. Then he gets back home and calls the police. They want to come to his house to do the report and Teddy turned that down because he was drunk and tired. Then he used the app to locate the phone and he could see where it was. IT was there for hours and hours. Jon said Teddy wanted to go back and find his phone on his own. Jon said they advised him that it might not be the best thing to do. Howard said the police wanted to help and he turned them down. Howard said he figured the cops would be all over this.
Howard asked if he can still track the iPhone. Jon said he can. He said he's been watching it. Howard said he should call the police and get it. Howard said it's his fault if he doesn't want the get the police involved. Jon said they do know where it is and they could go try to find it but it's on Fulton Street in the Bronx. Jon said people wanted him to go out and live tweet the search.
Jon said Teddy could have called the police but he never did. Howard said that's fascinating and he wants to talk to Teddy about that. Jon said his new wife was with Teddy and Tim's assistant was there too. Jon said if you go the wrong way on the C train then you can get in trouble. Howard said he must have been out of it. Jon said that it was just Teddy and his wife on the train though. The assistant wasn't there.
Howard said he should call the police and maybe they'll get the phone back. Robin said the longer the waits the worse it will be. Howard said something isn't right about that story. He said there's something missing.
Jon said that one of the guys told Teddy to just go home when he tried chasing them. He said he thinks they felt bad for him and left his wallet and watch. Howard said he wants to talk to Teddy so bring him in there when he gets there.
Howard asked if it really looks normal with this cover on it. Gary said it looks ''more normal'' but not normal. Howard said Gary thinks that his teeth look better with the covers on them too. Gary said they are in the best shape they've ever been in with the covers on them. Howard said this looked like something from Mars. Gary said his are mild compared to some others. Howard asked why he can have this discussion with him but he can't have a discussion with Ronnie in a normal way.
Gary said Ronnie seemed kind of shaken in a serious way yesterday. Howard said the guy is paranoid. Gary said he really is. Jon said that they questioned his swinger lifestyle and that's his personal life and that's when he tends to explode. Gary said that Ronnie was really sad and his son was there wondering if he was really going to quit.
Ronnie came in and said he doesn't have to say good morning to Jon. Jon said that he had grunted at him when he said hi this morning. Ronnie asked Howard to get off his case too. He said he brings these assholes in there to rip his ass apart. He said he doesn't care anymore.
Howard said that this guy developed this thing called the Ugly App... Ronnie cut him off and said that he's going to get started with this crap now. He said that he talked to real cops who told him about that guy who was on yesterday and said he's full of shit. He said that he says fuck you to Wolfie too because he's full of shit too.
Gary said he got a note from Wolfie this morning too. Ronnie cut him off and said ''Fuck Wolfie'' and wouldn't let Gary talk. Gary said Wolfie swears he didn't have anything to do with writing his profile. Ronnie said he's got club foot shoes. He was talking about the profiler. Ronnie said that guy is a fucking asshole. He said he could write the same profile.
Howard said the guy said really weird things about him too but he didn't explode. He said he was talking about the condom thing and how he's got intimacy issues. Ronnie said he's talked about that on the air. He said that he doesn't talk about his credentials on the air. Howard said he gets too angry about this stuff. He said he gets so angry.
Howard said he had nothing to do with the Ugly Meter thing. Ronnie doesn't believe that either. Jon said that someone tweeted out a picture for ''Securities for Dummies'' and Ronnie retweeted it. Ronnie said he knows what he tweeted.
Gary said that Ronnie was asked why they would single him out on the show with the profile. He said they also singled out Fred so they really didn't just single out Ronnie.
Jon said something is going on with Ronnie. He said he asked him about a car he got and he freaked out. Ronnie said that's none of his fucking business. Jon said that it's a Pace Car that he has. Ronnie said he's not talking about it. Jon said they break news and that's what this is about. Jon said he's not going to give up his source on this. He said he has a crazy colored Pace Car in his garage. Ronnie said that he's not talking about this. He said he'll tell him off the air and not on the air. Howard asked what that is. Ronnie said he's not talking about it.
Ronnie said that Howard threatened him about the block party yesterday. Howard said no one can talk to him anymore. Ronnie said he and Gary have taken more shit than anyone there. Howard said he asked Gary about his toe and he didn't freak out. Ronnie said he's not freaking out. He said he's not sure why there's a story about his car. Howard said he's just curious about what a pace car is. Ronnie said ''whatever.''
Ronnie said that he's being treated like shit around there. Ronnie said that he told Jon he's not talking about his car. He said Jon will shove a microphone in your face and asked about your car. He said he didn't want to talk about it. Jon said that he said something a little more rude than that. Jon said that people in the back are talking about Ronnie's car. He said that's why they want to know more about it.
Ronnie said that it's the way Jon handles it that bothers him. He said he shoves this cock (microphone) thing in his face and asks him about it. He said that Lisa G doesn't have that same kind of microphone.
Howard asked about the pace car and what it looks like. Ronnie said the car says it's a pace car with some stickers. He said he takes it out when he feels like taking it out. He said it's a collector's item. He said they only made 500 of them in that year. He said he likes cars and that's what he buys. Howard said he's just asking about the car. Ronnie said he feels shit coming on. Gary said that it hasn't come on yet so just let it come on.
Howard asked Ronnie if it appears he's in the race car business. Ronnie said it doesn't. Howard said that's all he wanted to know. Robin asked if he wears a jump suit. Ronnie jokingly said that's what he does.
Gary said the car is a replica of a car they used at a race. He said they made 500 of them as a special edition car. Jon said it draws a lot of attention on the street. Ronnie said it draws attention like Jon's hair draws attention. Ronnie said he dyes his hair. Jon said he does not dye his hair. He said if he dyed it then it would be the same color all around.
The Howard TV guys showed a shot of a pace car replica. Ronnie said that isn't the one he has. He said his is a convertible. Howard said that's some car there. Ronnie said he knows it's coming on. He said he can feel it. Jon asked what color it is. He thought it was orange. Ronnie said that he's the reporter so he should know. Jon asked how he's attacking him when he's not attacking him.
Howard said that he has Wolfie on the phone. He said Wolfie wants to apologize to him. Ronnie said he's a smug bastard and he doesn't want to hear it. Howard put Wolfie on and he was trying to talk to Ronnie but Ronnie was talking over him. Ronnie said that he's not going to let him speak. He said that Wolfie will only do interviews with people who talk shit about him. He said he doesn't care what Wolfie has to say.
Howard asked Wolfie if he wrote what the profiler had to say. Ronnie said they already talked about it. He said it's a waste of time man. Howard laughed. Ronnie said everything that guy said yesterday has been talked about on the air before. He said everyone knew about KC and what the guy said. Wolfie said that Ronnie is a paranoid baby. Ronnie said it's fine and he's glad that he got in there yesterday. He said he's glad that he's not there every day. Wolfie said he doesn't need to be up there every day. Ronnie said he knows he begged for a job up there. He wasn't letting Wolfie talk.
Howard asked Ronnie if that's all he's going to do. He said he wants to hear what Wolfie has to say. Ronnie said he doesn't have to listen to it. He asked why he would have to listen to that. Howard said he has to let Wolfie go.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said this is the best ever. She said that she loves Ronnie and he watches Howard's back at AGT. Howard said he has no problem with Ronnie. He just can't handle talking to anyone. Mariann said that Ronnie is very defensive and everyone is picking on him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said Ronnie is a big baby. He said he busts balls around there all the time and he can't take it back. He said he jokes around. Ronnie said that's right, he jokes. He said this other stuff isn't joking. Howard said he should take it a little bit. Ronnie said he does take it from people there but he doesn't have to take it from people outside the show. Howard asked if it's a case of you can dish it out but you can't take it. Ronnie said he can take it but he may not take it well.
Another caller asked which pace car he has. Ronnie said it's a corvette but it's not an 82. He said the one the caller is talking about is a 78. Howard asked Ronnie if he's upset with the source for telling Jon about the car. Ronnie said he knows who it is. He won't say who it is though. Ronnie said he's not going to say. Jon said it was multiple sources. Ronnie said he won't say who he knows it is.
Howard said that Ronnie talked about his pace car at the last party he had and Jon heard about it there. Jon didn't even remember that. Howard said he has another picture of the pace car. Ronnie said that's not it either. Howard asked how often he drives around in that. Ronnie said it's only in the sunshine. Howard asked how fast it goes. Ronnie said that it's a Corvette but he doesn't drive it fast. He said that it came from Kentucky and he's never even brought it across a bridge. Jon asked more questions about it and Ronnie got all worked up about that. Howard said he's trying to do his job. He's a reporter. Howard said he does Howard 100 News.
Ronnie said that he's no reporter. He knows nothing. He said he wants Steve Langford to come back. He said he wants Jon to leave and Steve to come back. Jon said it's not his place to even suggest that he be fired. Ronnie said that he can't take it and he's about to cry. Jon said he doesn't want his reporting to be questioned. Ronnie said he should have all the details before he comes in there. Ronnie said it's not his job to tell Jon what the details are. He said it's Jon's job to go out and find out the details.
Jon said he has to go back and do some work. Ronnie said he should go back and figure out what color the car is. Jon said that sounds like a challenge.
Howard wrapped up with Jon and Ronnie. Howard said he thinks that Jon is a good reporter. Ronnie said he's happy for him as he was walking out of the studio. Robin said he's amazing. Howard said he was trying to talk about Gary's toe fungus but they got lost with that other stuff. Howard said they have to take a break and get to the intern beauty pageant later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie isn't a good security guy. He said that it's good that he has real cops working with him. Howard laughed and thanked the guy. Robin said that he's going to come running back in there.
Gary had a picture of the pace car that Ronnie has. Howard said it's more than a little bit of graphics. Fred said he thinks that's retarded. He said that it's like an adult version of a Power Rangers thing. Fred said that some of those pace cars aren't all that collectible and they're not worth anything more than the regular version of the car. Gary said he doesn't even want a vanity plate on his car. He can't imagine having that car.
Howard said seeing the car is like seeing someone wearing a David Letterman jacket. He said people must think he has something to do with racing. Howard said it would be like him driving around in a milk truck. Howard said it would be like he worships milk men.
Ronnie said Tony Stewart owns a bunch of cars like that. Howard said he's a race car driver though. Ronnie said he drives around in those cars. Howard said this is like him driving around in a milk truck. Ronnie said this is something he likes and he doesn't know why he's making fun of it. He said it bothers Howard that he likes something like that. He said he likes cars and he's sorry it bothers him so much. Howard said he can't have a conversation with Ronnie. Ronnie said that's because it's unfair. Howard said he could do this all day. Robin said it is funny.
Howard said this reminds him of Imus wearing a cowboy outfit when he's not a cowboy. He just doesn't get it.
Howard said that his wife is going to be on Bravo tonight with L.A. Reid. He said she'll be on that Andy Cohen show. Howard said he likes that guy. That led to Howard and Robin talking about L.A. Reid and X-Factor for a minute. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he had Medicated Pete in there. Pete was singing along to the song a little bit. Howard asked if he knew that Ronnie had a pace car. Ronnie pointed out Pete's wig.
Howard said they're going to do the Intern Beauty Pageant now. Howard said they have all kinds of notes on his screen and Pete is going nuts with his snorting and stuff. Howard said he's really fucked up today. Pete said he's not on his medication today. Howard said he has Tourette's and it's not under control today. Howard said he also has a toupee and it hasn't been taken care of so it's kind of floating off his head. Pete said it is getting a little grimy up there. Ronnie said it's split on top too. Howard asked when he last got it groomed. Pete said he got it fixed last week. Howard asked if she's still doing it gratis. Pete said she is. Howard said it doesn't look as good as it did the first time he was in there.
Howard said the wig doesn't look like it belongs there. He said it looks glued on to his head. Pete said he was told he was out in the sun too long. Howard said it looks like two different pieces of hair. He said Pete will try to keep his snorting down to a minimum.
Howard said they have Kevin the sweaty groper there too. Howard said Steve was in when Alexis Ford was there. He likes to go to porn conventions. Kevin said that he met some new girls that want to come in there. Ronnie said he also had a girl with him today that's in porn. Howard said his life seems to be all about porn. Kevin said this girl isn't in porn though. Howard asked if he masturbates a lot. Steve said it might be once a day.
Howard asked why he doesn't get a regular chick and settle down. Kevin said he's gone that way and many women just aren't fun. He said he doesn't drink or smoke and this is his hobby. Ronnie asked if he's doing the girl he brought with him today. Kevin said he's absolutely not. Kevin said he does a lot of stuff to help many girls out and he drives them around and stuff. He said he gets to know them and he has a legitimate limo license and stuff. Howard asked when he last had sex. Kevin said it was probably a couple of months ago. He said it wasn't a porn star though. It was just a regular girl and he didn't pay for it.
Howard said the girls they're judging are young, college girls so they're not looking for lewd comments. Howard said they'll judge them on beauty, grace and personality. Howard said they will be judging them on their talent too. Howard said they will have a talent competition. Howard said they have to put that in their thinking caps and use all of that criteria.
Howard started the competition and played an intro for the pageant. Howard was the host and said they have a grand prize of $3,000. Second place is $1,000 and $500 for third. Howard said the girls are all in college so they can use the money. Howard said they can't be frivolous about their judging. Pete was picking his fingers so Howard asked if he was paying attention. Pete said he was. Howard asked what he's doing with his fingers. Pete picked some skin off so Howard asked if he was throwing it on the couch. Pete said he's not picking the skin off at all. Ronnie said he did too. Howard said that's disgusting. Howard told him to do that at the library. Howard asked if that's one of his Tourette's things. Pete said yeah. Howard had him repeating after him saying ''yeah'' and ''no'' over and over.
They moved on and played the intro for the first contestant. Her name was Anne Marie. Howard asked her if her internship has been useful to her. Anne Marie said it has. She said that she learned how to log shows. She said that she learned a lot of Geektime and shows like that. She met Jenny McCarthy and Maria Menounos while working there too. She said she is thinking about getting into radio. Howard was surprised she wasn't turned off to radio by working there. Howard asked Gary why they log Geektime. He said that seems like a huge waste of time. Gary said they log everything there.
Howard asked Anne Marie if the guys hit on her there. She said there is a guy in the mail room who seems to like her. Howard asked if she'll go out with him. She said she has a boyfriend. He's in college. Howard asked Anne Marie about her dad who is a police officer. She said that he scares her boyfriends by having his gun out polishing it when they come over. She said they do get nervous when they come over. Howard said Anne Marie read Fifty Shades of Grey. She said she did and it wasn't all that great. She said it's just like Twilight.
Howard asked Anne Marie some personality questions next. Howard asked her to think carefully about them because they will be evaluating her. Howard asked which person on the show she's most like personality wise. Anne Marie said she's kind of like Will and Jason because they all like baseball. Howard asked what the weirdest thing is that she's seen in the office. Anne Marie said that everything is out of the ordinary there. She said she was there for the poopgate thing so that was pretty awesome. She said she didn't want to go in the bathroom this morning. Howard said that is pretty unusual. He asked if she thinks about how he did that. She said she doesn't think about it.
Howard said Anne Marie is going to do her talent. She said she sings. Howard had her sing and she sang a song parody about herself and the competition. Howard said that was very nice. Howard said she sounded nervous though. Anne Marie said she was. She said she sings in the shower but that's about it.
Howard said he's not sure if they should give their scores or not. Ronnie said she must be self conscious about the dress she has on. Anne Marie said it was a little too short for her.
Howard went to Pete first for his score. Pete asked if they consider everything for the score. Howard said they do. Pete said she has a real complete package. He said she has talent and all of that. Howard said he's not sure what he's saying. He said his analysis is mind numbing. Pete said he's going to give her an 8. Howard said that's not too shabby.
Howard moved on to Kevin the Sweaty Groper next. Kevin said that she's very attractive and she's got a great personality and smile. He said she seems to be nervous but he understands why. Kevin said she does have the whole package. He said he's going to give her an 8 just like Pete did.
Howard asked Ronnie what he has to say. Ronnie said she's very pretty and he liked when she first started to talk. He said she's very outgoing and able to talk about anything she was asked about. He said her singing was a little nervous but that's fine because she's not a singer. He said he's giving her an 8 as well.
Howard said they have to take a break and then come back and get to Amanda. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they have Ronnie, Pete and Kevin judging in there today. Ronnie said he won't sit on the couch today because Pete and Kevin are there. Robin said he should be thanking Howard for making him look normal.
Howard said Anne Marie got 3 solid 8s in the competition. He moved on to Amanda next. they played an intro for her where they talk about how she's not attracted to JD and things like that.
Howard asked Amanda if she's been in any competition like this before. She said she has not. Howard asked about her boyfriend and if this is her first. She said that it is her first and she never had one in high school. Howard asked Pete if she's a beautiful girl or what. Pete said she is. Amanda said he actually hit on her. She said they had a little thing going. Pete didn't remember that. Howard asked if he really remembers or not. Pete was kind of out of it according to Ronnie.
Howard asked what he said to her when he hit on her. Amanda said that he was asking if she was free because he has a lot of free time. Will was there at the time so he told Howard that Pete worked his magic and it was awful. Amanda said she has a boyfriend so that didn't work out. Howard asked Pete if he's available 24 hours a day. Pete said he is pretty flexible.
Howard read about Amanda's swimming and how she spends about 2.5 hours a day swimming. Howard also read that Adam Levine hit on her when he was up there. Amanda said that he started to sing to her. She said that he may not have been singing to her but she likes to think that he was. Howard said that is a good looking dude.
Howard asked Amanda why she's not attracted to JD. She said that it's not that she's not attracted to him. She said that she's just not attracted to him ''like that.'' She said she has talked to him about TV shows and stuff. She said you can do that with a lot of the guys back there though.
Howard asked Amanda who she would choose if JD and Pete were the last two men on earth. She said she might become a lesbian. She said she would probably pick JD but there's time for Pete if he lives long enough.
Howard asked what she's going to be doing for talent. Amanda said that she's going to sing. She said she isn't a professional though.
Howard asked Amanda who she would save on a boat if it was sinking and Ronnie, Benjy and Gary were the only ones on it. Amanda said she would probably throw Benjy off first. She said she would save Ronnie of course because he's the best. Howard asked her who she thinks is the dumbest one on the show. She said she might have to say it's Sal. She said he is fun to have around though. She said everyone needs one of him.
Howard asked Amanda to sing her song after that. Amanda sang a parody about herself to the tune of ''Do-Re-Mi'' from the Sound of Music. Pete seemed to be having a good time during the song according to Howard.
Howard went to Kevin for his score first. Kevin said that he'd have to give her a 9. Howard went to Pete next. Pete said based on the song alone he thinks he has to give her a 9 or 10. He said he can't give her a 10. Amanda said he can give her a 10. Pete went with the 9. Howard asked Ronnie what his score was going to be. Ronnie said her personality is about her. He said that song was great and she's beautiful. He gave her an 8.
Howard said he has to add this all up now. Howard did the math but Kevin threw out that it was 26. Howard said he had to double check that and make sure he was right. He was.
Howard moved on to the third contestant which was a second generation intern. Her mom worked there years ago and Gary was even at her birth. Her name is Courtney.
Howard said Pete was going crazy over her already. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Pete is killing them today with the sniffling. Howard said he's not sure what he can do about that. He said he could turn off the mic. Howard asked Pete if he can calm down a little. Pete was laughing. He said that he's not sure he can control it, especially with this girl. Howard said he must really like her. He gives it away with the rituals. Pete didn't have much to add to that.
Howard said that Courtney is wearing short shorts and a bikini top. She said she used to be a gymnast and she works out every day. Howard said that she calls Gary ''Uncle Gary.'' She said that her mom interned there when she was 20 and Gary has kept in touch so she's known him since she was a baby. Howard asked if Gary made out with her mom. She said that apparently did happen. She said that they went away on a weekend together and they made out. Howard said that's kind of creepy. Howard asked if Gary could be her father. She said she doesn't think so. Courtney said that they had family dinner with Gary and his wife over the weekend. Howard asked Gary if he's really that close. Gary said her mom married a guy who became really close to him and he's one of his best friends now. He said that he did kiss her mom but it wasn't for them and they just stayed friends over the years. Howard said that's an interesting story.
Howard asked Courtney about what it's like working there and what she's learned. She still doesn't know what Gary does. She said she wishes she could say. Howard said he met her at a restaurant the other day too. Courtney said she did introduce herself. Howard said that Courtney is the one who said that JD looked up her pictures on Facebook before she came there. She said that's fine. She said now that she knows him it's not that big of a deal.
Howard asked Courtney what her biggest failure is in her life. She said she doesn't have just one. She said she's really shy and she's trying to come out of that. Howard asked her who she thinks is the dumbest person on the show. Courtney said Richard because she's heard them doing their prank calls and stuff. She said they're just funny. Howard asked Courtney to choose a staff member to be stuck on an island with. She said that it would be Will. She said he seems to be a good husband and a good guy. Howard said he's a very nice guy and he would take him with him too.
Howard said Courtney looks great but they have to find out what her talent is. Courtney said she will be singing but she brought party favors for everyone because she's tone deaf. She sang her song which was a parody about herself of course. She sang about Howard and Beth.
Howard went to Ronnie for his score first. Ronnie said this is hard because he likes how honest she is about being shy. He said they were all under the impression that she was stuck up and didn't like people. He said they thought she was like a zombie in the morning. He said that he didn't even get a hello from her. He said he was impressed with that. He said the song wasn't so good. He said she's very pretty. He gave her an 8.
Howard moved on to Kevin for his score. Kevin said he thinks she's beautiful and she has the whole package. He said the personality took it down a little bit. He said he has to give her a 7. Howard said he's sorry about that. Courtney said that's okay.
Howard went to Pete next. Pete said that he has to disagree with Kevin about her personality. He said he likes the shyness. Howard said maybe that's because Pete is kind of shy. Pete said he liked the shyness part of it. He said that kind of did it for him. Howard said he's an amazing judge. Pete said he's thinking of between an 8 and 10 for her. Howard said there's only one number between the two. Pete said he doesn't know. He said he's considering all three of them so he thinks he's going to give her a 9. Howard said he has a problem because he doesn't know what 15 plus 9 is. the guys told him it's a 24.
Howard said that they have a tie for second. Howard said number 1 is Amanda. She won $3,000 thanks to Zoosk.com. Amanda said she's going to use the money to pay for parking since she has to drive into the city every day. Howard sang a song to her for her win.
Howard said that Courtney and Anne Marie are tied with scores of 24. Howard said that they have to break the tie. Howard went to the judges again to break the tie. Howard went to Pete and said he has to pick one of them for second place. Pete said based on looks... Howard said he has to think about the whole thing. Howard said that the toupee glue must be affecting him. Pete was having a hard time picking one. Howard asked Anne Marie if she had anything to say to try and convince the judges. Pete thought the whole thing was on him but they had all three judges picking one. The girls both said a few words and Pete picked Courtney based on whatever it was she said.
Howard asked Kevin what he has to say. Kevin said that he thinks he's going to pick Courtney as well. That broke the tie but Howard asked Ronnie what he thinks. Ronnie said they could have split the money in half. Howard said he didn't think of that but it would have been nice. Howard said they are all winners. Howard said the girls were hugging in true beauty pageant fashion. He said they had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said he heard that Robin was talking to Wendy the Retard about her breasts. Robin laughed. Howard played a prank call Sal and Richard made to Wendy using clips of Robin talking about how beautiful her breasts are. Wendy knew it was Robin and thought she was really talking to her. Wendy told Robin that guys honk at her all the time because of her tits.
Howard said he's sure guys aren't honking at her because of her tits. Howard said he liked the call where Robin called a woman about her boobs that he played yesterday. Howard replayed that one too. Sal and Richard used clips of Robin talking to Kelsey about her G-cups to talk to a perfect stranger on the phone about her breasts.
Howard said this woman was really opening up to Robin in the call. She was telling Robin that she doesn't care about men and that they're just hanging there.
Howard played a song parody with Robin saying ''I love your tits!'' and things like that. The guys used those clips for a bunch of stuff.
Howard said that was very nice. Howard asked Robin who else she's going to be calling. He said this never gets old to him. Robin wasn't sure who they were going to call.
The caller asked Howard about America's Got Talent and if he can protest the wild card people that the judges can bring back. Howard said he has an idea of who he wants back but he could blow his stack if Howie brings back Big Barry or someone like that. Howard said that they all get to bring back 4 and then the audience votes and they narrow it back down to just 4.
The caller asked why the contestants wear the same clothes on the night they get voted off as they did the night before. Howard said he's not sure but they may do that to make them easily identifiable. Howard said the show will be back next week after the Olympics are over.
Howard said he wanted to watch some of the Olympics last night but the commercials are just too much for him. He said he did a bunch of work last night and then watched True Blood. Robin said she did the same thing. Howard said he watched Falling Skies. Robin said she hasn't seen the new season. She said that it was only reruns. Howard said that it's back and he's watched 5 new episodes. Robin asked if he was kidding her. Howard said he's not but don't freak out.
Howard said he watched a Doug Stanhope special on Comedy Central. Howard said Doug's is so good. He said that he has to give him a plug. Howard said it's not like traditional stand-up. He said he's just talking about events that are going on and things like that. He talks about Dr. Drew and rehab and what a farce rehab is. Howard said he does a very dark routine about Mitch Hedberg too. He said the special is really good. He said he's only halfway through it because he had to go to bed.
Robin asked if he likes True Blood. Howard said the show is all over the place and too goofy. He said he's still watching it though. Howard said he gets excited to watch it every time. Howard said he doesn't want the show to go away so he's going to stick with it.
Howard said he has some audio of Roseanne at the roast giving it back to Tom Arnold. Howard played that clip and Roseanne was goofing on Tom about taking her money and things like that.
Howard said the roast will be on Comedy Central on Sunday night at 10pm. Howard had some of the jokes that people were telling at the roast. Howard had some quotes from a few of the comedians who were roasting Roseanne. There were a bunch of funny jokes about her in there.
Howard had some of Tom Arnold's jokes about Roseanne and read through those. Then he saw that Roseanne was on the phone. Roseanne said that it's very early. She asked if she can curse on this show. Howard said she can so she said that's fucking great.
Howard said he's not sure he'd put himself through a roast. Roseanne said it was a blast. She said there are some great jokes in there and it's good to laugh at yourself. She said that she knew she could do it. Howard asked if she laid down rules about the jokes. Howard said he thinks he'd have to do that. Roseanne said of course he would. She said she did that too. Roseanne said she asked them not to make jokes about certain things. She said that she asked them to class it up a little bit and bring it up to first grade. Howard asked what she wanted them to lay off of. She said she didn't want jokes about women's smells and things like that. Roseanne said they did a great job too.
Howard said that the women smell jokes are too easy. Roseanne said they have other things they can make fun of other than their asshole. Howard asked if some of the jokes about her father and molestation were tough. She said that she didn't want to make it like something that Sandusky would laugh at. She said there were some funny jokes they're going to take out that she thinks they should leave in. Howard said he read they're taking out the joke that Jeff Ross told about Seth Green looking like the shooter in Colorado. Roseanne said that they apparently got a few calls about that one. She said they do want to push the line and go over that line. She said that you don't know where that line is until you go over it.
Roseanne said she thought Jeff's joke about her being mad she didn't get the candy when she was molested. She said that was very funny. Howard said making people laugh is the hardest thing in the world. Roseanne said that people need to laugh and she loves jokes. She said that it's awesome to do a roast like that.
Howard asked if anyone bombed at the roast. Roseanne said that everyone was funny. She said that Wayne Brady had a joke that went over the line. Howard asked if it was one he read. Roseanne said she can't remember exactly what it is but it was a cringe moment for her. She said she just put her hands over her eyes. She said she did that with the Colorado shooter joke. Roseanne said you have to respect a brave comic who does that. She said that Gilbert lost a job over a joke he made about a tragedy. Howard said it's hard to know what that line is. He said he went on Letterman and made an OJ joke after that whole thing went down and Dave got mad at him. Then three days later Dave was doing jokes about it. Roseanne said that it helps to heal it if you joke about it.
Howard asked Roseanne if she was apologizing for something she said on Twitter. Roseanne said that she did but it was because of the wording. She said that she used the word ''deserved'' while talking about Chick-Fil-A. She said that she just spit out this line and she was just trying to say that if you eat shit you're going to get sick.
Howard said if you say something interesting along those lines and people get upset then you stop tweeting. Roseanne said that she will walk away for a while. Howard said that people are saying this is a free speech thing but it's really not. They're not saying this guy can't say what he's saying. Howard said what he's saying is that people don't have to support Chick-Fil-A if he does say it. Howard said businessmen should keep their mouths shut and just run the business. Roseanne said that he gave $5 million to really hateful anti-gay groups. Howard said the problem with the guy is that he must have gay people in his family.
Howard asked Roseanne if she's still running for President. Roseanne said she is. She said that she's on the ballot in 14 states and the point is that there should be a third part that has a real choice. She said that people should have a choice of a candidate that doesn't work on Wall Street. She said she's on the Peace and Freedom party. Roseanne said that people should have the socialist choice since it is the thing that saved the country after Wall Street fucked us last time.
Howard asked Roseanne if she's going to vote for herself or Romney or Obama. Roseanne said she would vote for herself but she thinks that Obama is better than Romney. She said it might be only 2 percent better but he's better.
Howard asked what would happen if Roseanne did win somehow. Roseanne said that they'd be better off if she did. Howard said he heard that she was going to drone attack Tom Arnold's house if she wins. Roseanne laughed.
Howard asked if it's true that Willie Nelson accepted her offer to run for Vice President. She said that he did accept but then he pulled out a few hours later.
Howard asked Roseanne if she smokes a lot of pot. She said that she does but it's for her glaucoma. She said that she only does it in the morning. She said she has cataracts too and it's just so depressing. Roseanne said she just needed that laugh at the roast.
Howard asked Roseanne about how she made the decision to have Tom on the roast. Roseanne told Howard about how their relationship worked and how she had to walk on egg shells through the whole thing. She said that it wasn't easy. Howard said he never thought about that. He said that he has apologized to Tom about the way he talked about him in the past. Howard asked if there was a part of her that still loved Tom. Roseanne said she can't believe how big his head got. She said she hasn't talked to him in 19 years. Roseanne said that she thought he didn't want to do it.
Howard said Tom was on the show and said he wanted to do it. Gary said there was a report that said he was asked to do it and he didn't want to do it. Howard said he thinks that he was really nervous about doing it. Roseanne said Tom called Comedy Central and said he would be happy to do it if he was asked to. Howard said he thought it would be a great moment on TV if he did it. Roseanne said that Tom was going back and forth on it and she ended up calling and leaving a message for him saying that she has control over the show and she gave him the word that they wouldn't do anything to harm him if he did it. She thought it would be a good chance to show they have moved on. Roseanne said that she wanted to give the fans what they wanted too. Howard asked if she didn't want him on the roast. She said she always thought that it would be good to have him on.
Howard said that performers will pout their mental health at risk to entertain people. He said that's a really strange thing. Roseanne said she knew that it wasn't going to upset her. She said that she knew Tom was smart enough not to go after her. She said that Tom wouldn't be able to take the retort if he had gone after her. She said she wished him luck in life and thanked him for doing the roast.
Howard said Roseanne was able to put her stuff aside with Tom and let him do the roast. Howard asked if she wants him to pay her back for the money that he allegedly took from year years ago. Roseanne said he is doing pretty well and she thinks that he should pay her back. Howard asked if he hugged her back stage. She said that he didn't but she did give him a pat on the lapel and said ''Onward and upward...'' Howard asked if they will see Tom hugging her on the show. Roseanne said that you'll see great comedians making her laugh. She said that Gilbert is a great comic. Howard said he called her Rosilla. Roseanne said that Amy Schumer is really funny too. She said that she didn't feel that they had gone into the toilet like they have done in the past.
Howard asked if Sharon Stone was booked to do the roast but she backed out. Roseanne said that she was doing a movie and she wasn't able to do it. Roseanne she's loonier than shit and she would have loved to have had her on.
Robin said some women can't take the roast stuff. Sharon Stone might take some shots about her beauty and she might not be able to take it. Roseanne said that she thinks she could take it. She said that Sharon is kind of a good friend-ish.
Howard asked if it's true that John Goodman and Roseanne were going to do a sitcom. She said they did a pilot but they didn't like it so it didn't get picked up. She said she had a great time working with John on that pilot though.
Howard asked Roseanne if she's still able to have sex and if she gets dried up. Roseanne said that she's getting old and your get up and go just gets up and leaves.
Howard gave Roseanne some plugs for this roast and talked about how she sacrificed her well being to have Tom Arnold on the roast. Howard asked if it irked her in some way when he got really big in movies and stuff. Roseanne said that she wanted him to get famous so she didn't begrudge the work she did to get him there. Roseanne said he became a monster after he got famous. Howard asked who has more money now. She said that she's really not sure. She said that he probably has more than her because that's the way shit goes. Robin said that he did have some marriages where he didn't sign pre-nups so he might have gotten cleaned out.
Howard asked Roseanne what she would wish Tom now. She said she wishes everyone well. She said she doesn't have hate in her and she's not going to be a miserable old bitch.
Howard asked Roseanne if she knew Sarah Gilbert was gay when she worked with her. Roseanne said she did know because she was into Jodi Foster movies. She said anyone who liked ''Nell'' was undecided on their sexuality and their humanity. Howard asked why Sarah wasn't at the roast. He said none of her TV sitcom family was there. Roseanne said they were all asked and some had commitments. She said they all have publicists and the publicists are awful. She said that her publicist isn't like that. She said her publicist doesn't give a shit what she does. Roseanne said that you have to have a thick skin to take the retort at a roast. She said that they can't be big, whining babies.
Howard asked Roseanne if she thinks that Romney should have to release his tax returns. Roseanne said she does. Howard asked if she would release her tax returns. She said no way. Then she said she would if she had to.
Howard gave Roseanne some more plugs and told her to come in and visit when she's in New York. Howard let her go and said that he's not sure if she's saying Roseanne Barr or not. He said she went by Roseanne for a while. Gary said she is back to Barr. Howard said he thought so. He said now they know. He's not sure what they know but they know. Howard said he's glad Tom Arnold did the roast. He said he wants to see that. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he should be playing Manic Depression by Jimi Hendrix. He said if Fred was really good then he'd know to play that. Fred found the song and played that instead. Howard said now he's rockin'. Howard tried singing along to it but he didn't know the lyrics very well. Fred threw in some Maria Menounos ''Yes-ah'' and ''No-wah'' clips too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's going to all of the AGT tapings during August. He wanted to know how he can meet him. Howard said he doesn't know how. He said it isn't planned. The guy said he just wanted a quick picture with him. Howard said the best way is to become a contestant. Howard said the best way would actually be to replace Sharon as a judge. Howard said he hopes they can work it out and she comes back. Howard said everyone needs to calm the fuck down.
Bobo called in and said they had Gary in the paper yesterday (''Howard Stern show's 'Baba Booey' has a serious side, as president of AIDS awareness group''). Howard said he forgot to mention that. He said Gary sits on the public parks board and now he's the president of Lifebeat. Howard said that's a good charity that raises money for AIDS awareness. Gary said David Hinckley did a great job with that article. Howard said he meant to bring it up yesterday but he forgot. Gary said he just kind of fell into it. Howard congratulated him on that. So did Bobo.
Gary said that he's on that parks and recreation board too and this one woman brought him over and told him that Howard is so good on America's Got Talent. He said she told him that she believes that the Howard on that show is the ''real'' Howard. Howard said he wants to believe that too.
Howard said he can behave himself on that show and when he's doing his radio show he gets a little crazy. Howard said he has to remember that when he's on that show. He said that he wanted to ask Nick a question on the show but he has to remember that he's just a judge.
Howard asked Gary if they're staying the course with Lifebeat. Gary said they're trying to do different things. He said they're trying to do things with artists so they can get the word out. Gary said people think that AIDS has been cured but it really hasn't. Gary said if you want to know more about Lifebeat you can go to Lifebeat.org
Bobo asked Howard another question but Howard cut him off. Howard asked if he has to have a follow up every time. Bobo said he just loves him so much. Howard told him to call in another time. Then he said he feels bad and just ask the question. Bobo tried to get it out but Howard cut him off again. Bobo said that Howard is on the cover of this 10 Greatest judges thing but then he's not in the top 10 greatest judges. Howard said he doesn't really care.
Howard said he read an article about how he was the greatest thing on AGT but then the next week they said he was the worst. Howard said they had two different guys in the same magazine saying that he's the best and worst. Howard said he does the best he can.
Teddy came in and said he went to the police yesterday. Howard asked why he would wait. Then he asked if he just gets really plastered when he drinks. Teddy said they all do in his circle of friends. Howard said he cut back on his drinking. Howard asked if he blacked out. Teddy said he may have been browned out. He didn't black out. Teddy told Howard that it was like National Geographic out there on the train. It was like a bunch of Hyenas nipping at him and he was fighting them off. He said one guy got his hand in and stole his phone. He said he went to the police yesterday. He said it was just one day.
Howard said he can track the iPhone. Teddy said they can't just go and kick down the door. Howard said they have to make sure it's really his phone. Teddy said that he went to his local precinct and he has to go through a bunch of hoops. He said they are now investigating it. He said they have to come and collect his Metro card to make sure he was where he claimed he was. He said once his phone goes dead he won't be able to track his phone. Teddy figured it was going to take hours that night he got robbed. He said that's why he put it off.
Howard said he heard Teddy bashed Benjy on the Wrap Up Show. Teddy said he really didn't. He said there are things that drive him crazy about Benjy. He said he has only been there for 6 years and he realized that he has done other wacky things over the years. He said he was just in a grumpy mood. Howard said he heard he's also critical of Jon Hein. Teddy said he's not. Howard told him to keep hi updated on the phone thing. Teddy said he will. He said the new one is due out in 6 weeks so he may not even need this one.
Howard asked Teddy if he could quit drinking for a month. Teddy said he can't do that. He said he could but he won't. Howard told him to try. Teddy said he's having fun and he's not going to do that. Teddy said he's not going to lose his arm or anything. Howard said he should give it a try.
Jon Hein got back to his Wrap UP Show preview. He ran through a few more things they wanted to cover today.
Robin started off talking about Diane Burnett, Producer Mark Burnett's wife, has written a book about her life and she found out that her marriage was over when she heard her husband on the Howard Stern Show. Howard said that if you go on Facebook and your husband lists himself as single, that's a sign. Howard said if the guy goes on the Howard Stern show and hesitates when he's asked about his marriage, that's a sign. Howard said there are other signs too.
Robin read about a guy who had a 10 month romance and had to give up a nice apartment in the city to the woman. Robin said that the guy thinks that the woman just used him. Robin said a gift is a gift though.
Robin read about an alien hunting class in a college in Edinburgh. Robin said the course is free. She said it will be taught by an ex-NASA researcher. Howard said that he felt guilty taking some of the classes he gook in college. He said one of them was a body language class. He said they're bogus classes. Howard said he almost flunked that one. Howard talked about a jazz course that was taught by Dr. Demento and it was supposed to be really easy but it turned out to be extremely hard. He said the guy knew a lot about Jazz and he was going to make his students suffer through it. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he saw Joe Walsh out in the hall yesterday. He said he gave him a hug and he thinks the guy looks great. He said he never thought he would pull it together. He said he had a black suit on and he looks like he's in shape and he's handsome now too. Howard said the guy is still a great guitar player too. Fred said he went to see him on Saturday and it was great. He said it was a nice small place. Howard said the guy is a walking miracle. Howard said he had to get his shit straight and he did it. Howard said the guy is in terrific shape. Robin said she's so happy about that. Howard said he is too.
Howard asked what's going on with Elton John and Madonna. Robin said that she was going to talk about that. She said that Elton was in Australia talking about her. Howard read some of his quotes and he was saying that her career is over and it couldn't have happened to a bigger cunt. Robin said he's been bad mouthing her for quite some time from what she read.
Robin said that Pam Anderson is swearing off men so she can do Dancing with the Stars. She's sworn off men until November. Howard asked what they're doing on the show that she's back on. Robin said it's an all star show. Howard said it must be awful for the people who weren't able to make it back on the show. Robin said they're bringing that Palin kid back on. Howard said he didn't care about her. Robin said they're bringing Kirstie Alley back on. Howard said he didn't care about her. Robin didn't have the complete list there.
Howard said he was thinking about Elton and Madonna and he thinks he'd rather fuck Elton at this point. He said he looks better than she does. He said she pulled a tit out at a show and he saw the picture. Howard said it's time to keep those things in the bra.
Howard had Dale Yeager on the phone. He was on the show yesterday getting Ronnie all upset. Dale said he was just listening to the West Coast feed and he heard him saying something that's just not true. He said that he is out in the field and he's not a phony like Ronnie claims he is. He said that Ronnie's profile was the shortest of all of them that he did and Ronnie is the guy who got the most upset. Dale said he also wanted to straighten out what he said about his swinging. He said he doesn't think Ronnie understood what he was talking about. He said that swinging is when you have more than one sexual partner. That's what he was referring to. Robin said he probably just set Ronnie off again. Howard said he may have.
Howard said Dale got a lot of email. He said he should have read it to him. Howard read some of the email he got about Dale. Some people were saying that he was wrong about there not being sperm in the early parts of an orgasm. Howard said the pull out method is very overrated. Howard said it's the one endorsed by the Catholic church. Howard said he also has no rhythm. Howard read some other email about Ronnie and Scott DePace. He said people loved the phony phone call they made to the stranger about her breasts.
Robin read a story about how a gay magazine is encouraging gays to visit businesses that are same sex relationship friendly. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard mentioned that he's going to be doing a photo session for someone who bids and wins it from an auction on the Hamptons Wildlife Center. Howard said he hasn't done Fred yet. He hasn't done Gary and Mary either. Robin said Gary must need a new phone now that he's President. Howard said he won't make a dime off of this shoot. Howard said he'll talk to the people and then he'll do his thing with them. Howard said he'll sign them and do all of that.
Robin read a story about a house cat that they put some cameras on and they found that cats are responsible for more wildlife carnage than you'd think. Howard said they're just following their instinct. Robin said they found that cats would kill lizards, snakes and many other things. They were killing insects and other things as well as birds. Robin said they are more deadly than people thought. Robin said they only ate about 10 percent of what they killed too. Robin said they like to hunt and bring down their prey.
Howard said he loves his three cats. They got them from the North Shore Animal League. Howard said he keeps them all indoors. Howard said if you love your pets why would you let them out? Robin said they are meant to go outside but she keeps hers inside too. Howard said her cats love him more than they love Robin. Howard said her cats both got in his lap. He said two of the three were in his lap and Robin had never seen that before. Robin said Jennifer Aniston got in his lap and that's the really surprising thing.
Robin read about the guy who shot up the Sikh temple. Robin said his name is Wade Michael Page. Robin said he was tattooed up with swastikas and things. He was also in a band that performed hate songs. Robin said his Facebook page was filled with Nazi symbols and stuff too. Howard said his neighbors said that he was a nice guy. Robin said that he was in the military but he got kicked out for drinking too much. Howard said he has noticed that all Nazi's are bad. He said that's the way it seems to him. Howard asked if Robin has ever met a nice Nazi. Robin said she's never met any Nazi. She's proud of that too. Robin had one of the songs that the band this guy was in performed. Robin said it's called ''I'm Glad I'm A White Boy.'' Robin said he performed bass in this song. Howard thought it was the wrong song. Robin assured him it was the right one. Robin had some more details about this guy and the band. The record label put out a press release and they have removed all images of the band and all of their music from their site. They don't want to make money off of this tragedy. Robin said the label is white supremacist though so she's not sure what that's about. Robin said the gunman's step mother says that he was a nice guy until he was discharged from the military. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin had more news about the shooting and had some audio of officials talking about the gun used in the shooting. It was legally purchased. Robin said that Mayor Bloomberg has ramped up security at temples in New York City because of this. Robin had some audio of Deepak Chopra talking about this shooting too.
Robin read about the shooter in the Gabrielle Giffords case and how he may be pleading guilty. That would keep the case from going to trial.
Robin read about someone who threatened to shoot up a theater in New York City. Robin said they have asked Twitter to reveal who the person is but Twitter has refused.
Howard tried to take a call but he couldn't get the guy on the line. Howard thought maybe he had problems with the phones. Howard said maybe the guy is snoring. He gave up a short time later.
Robin read about this guy who goes to hospitals to visit sick kids in a Batman costume. A couple of hospitals have canceled appearances after the Colorado shootings. Robin had some audio of that guy talking about that. Robin said his name is Lenny D. Robinson. Robin said he just got a new Batmobile too.
Robin read about both President Obama and Mitt Romney being out campaigning. Robin mentioned where they'll be today. She also had some audio clips to play.
Robin read about a woman who tried to steal a baby from a hospital in a tote bag. Robin had some audio of an official talking about how they caught her. The baby had a monitor on it. Robin said the woman didn't get away with it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she loved the Howard TV episode about Tim's mess. She also asked if Jon Leiberman would wear the yellow jacket on every show he goes on. Howard said Jon only wears that when he's on official Howard 100 News business. Howard said that Jon is very good at his job. The caller said that she loves how seriously he takes that job.
Robin read a story about a woman who killed her baby by cutting off her arms in 2004. Robin said she was found not guilty for being insane. Robin said she eventually got hired at Walmart. She was never convicted though so it wasn't on her record.
Robin said that Subway sandwiches was sued by a man who claims he found a knife baked into his sandwich. Robin said they were going to give him a $20,000 settlement.
Robin said that Tony winner Mark O'Donnell is dead. He wrote Hairspray and Cry Baby. Robin said he was 58 and dropped dead from cardiac arrest. Robin had some of the music from Hairspray. Howard said it's no wonder he dropped dead after hearing that. He said the guy couldn't take it.
Robin said that Marvin Hamlisch has died at the age of 68. Howard said he always liked that guy. He said that was sad. Howard said he liked when he would be on talk shows back in the day. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
Richard said he drinks every night now. He said he will drink and have a few beers. He said he hasn't gone a day without for a long time now. He said there's no reason not to drink. He said that life is short so why not enjoy it.
Gary said that he is sort of on an Avion addiction. He said he has been drinking every weekend lately. He said it's more of a summer thing though.
Richard said he has cut out hard liquor but he drinks beer. Benjy said that there are theories that alcohol kills brain cells but other than that why not do it? Richard said they have done studies that find that drinking wine can be good for you. Gary said as long as they're not hurting him he doesn't care. He said it's not his problem and that's fine. He said there are people who go home and smoke pot every night too. Richard said there are people who go home and jack off. He said everyone has their vices.
Richard said a friend told him that beer is good for runners because it's carbohydrates. He said that's all he needed to hear to get to drinking. Richard said his wife sent him a study that this running group did and they found that the drinkers ran faster than the non-drinkers.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Howard's attitude toward drinking. Gary said they could pull tape of Howard saying that if you have to drink to have fun then you have a problem. He said Howard had a party not too long ago and Howard was pouring shots of tequila in his kitchen. He said he felt like he was living in a bizarro world when he saw that happening.
Gary said Howard used to look at people wondering why they had to get drunk. Teddy said Howard is right about drinking too much. He said Howard has lived a longer life than he has. He said all of his peers are doing the same and he's also smoking a cigarette 3 beers in. He said he knows it's not good. Richard said losing a phone is a small price to pay for having a good time. He said he had a blast at Teddy's wedding.
Gary asked Richard he's attracted to a wedding because of the drinking. Richard said that's part of it. He said they had a great time at the wedding. Gary asked Richard if he thinks that Jon Hein isn't fun because he doesn't drink. Richard said he just drinks what Jon doesn't drink and that makes it all that much more fun.
Gary said a lot of what he does and doesn't do is based on the kids. He said when the kids start growing up then you have to stop drinking. Richard said that Will and his wife stayed out really late with them after they had their kid. They had a great time. Gary said you can't go back to where you were before you had the kid. Jon had to take them out to break after that.
Jon said this might have been his favorite panel of judges of all time. He said Pete was off his meds and Kevin the Sweaty Groper was there. He said Ronnie was also there. Gary said that Pete is like Robert De Niro in Awakenings when he's off his meds.
Gary said that someone pointed out that Ronnie gets on mic and he makes it ''Ronnie Time.'' Ronnie said this group of interns he didn't get to know them much. Jon asked that was a conscious decision. Ronnie said he just stayed away from them.
Benjy asked if Jon thinks it's wrong to do it. Jon said absolutely not. Benjy said he thinks that it sexualizes the interns and it's wrong. He said he thinks they should stop.
Gary said that they do the whole person, not just the looks. Gary said that High Pitch Mike was in an intern beauty pageant and he still didn't know he was gay when he did that. Benjy said it used to be a joke but then the joke becomes the real thing. Benjy said that the segment is good but he thinks they should stop doing the pageant.
Jon asked Sal and Richard if they were offended that two of the interns picked them as the dumbest on the staff. Sal said that comes with the territory.
Sal told a story about getting really drunk and peeing on his TV. Sal said he was walking through his closet to get to the bed and he was fighting with his clothes. He said his wife came to get him and she stepped in a puddle of piss. Sal said that he pissed all over the TV in the armoire. He said that he must have thought that it was the bathroom.
Gary said the thing that doesn't make sense is that Sal's wife let him get back in bed after that. Sal said he had just gotten over throwing up too. Sal said his friend has pissed on his TV before too. He said that one girl told him she peed on a coffee table once. Gary said that Jackie's father once shit in a drawer.
Sal said that he drinks two or three beers a night when he goes home. He said it's just about every day. Sal said that he might be a functioning alcoholic. He said he's proud of that too. He said he is a responsible one too. Gary said he's not sure about that. He asked what the longest he's gone without a drink. Sal said he missed one day a few weeks ago. He said he was proud of that too.
Sal said his wife cleaned up after him after he peed on the TV. Sal said he got up the next morning and he threw up again. Gary asked what he was doing that night. Sal said he was at a party and he was doing shots of Vanilla Stoli. He said he was drinking beer with that. He said he usually has Kettle 1 with a splash of pineapple. Sal said he has never peed any place other than a toilet... for the most part. Sal said he still doesn't know how he peed on that TV. He said he couldn't think straight that night so he just went to bed.
Sal said he and his wife had a long talk about that. Gary said he'd bet the wife had a long talk with him. Sal said he's right about that. He said she laid down the law. He said she told him if it continues she's going to lay down the law.
Sal said he's going to monitor his drinking from now on. He said he knows when he's going to the dark side. Gary asked if there's a dark zone between the light and dark side. Sal said he knows where to do it. He said he had a few Bloody Mary's the other night instead of having five. He said if he has five then he might start whipping his dick out.
Sal told the guys about a trick he did with some friends and how he got in trouble for pulling his penis out after having people look at the tile floor. He said he had some male friends do it and then a female friend did it. He said that was very wrong and she didn't like it so he had to have a talk with his wife.
Ronnie said he didn't know that Sal was drinking every day. He knew Richard was up to it. Sal said he doesn't get drunk every day. He said he gets a little buzz. Gary said that's getting drunk. Richard said he likes the taste because there are so many good beers out now.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the guys are talking about having a few drinks after work. He said that's not being a drunk. The caller said he went through a DUI training thing and they define abusers and addicts in the program. He said it sounds like they might be addicts.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about that and then Jon gave a caller a prize. Gary said that he drinks to get drunk and not just to drink. He said that you can see how much people change when they get drunk when you go to a party. They went to break a short time later.
Ronnie came in and said he was fine yesterday. He said that he gets the same thing over and over and it gets to you after a while. Ronnie said he does his job and he does it right. He said that Dale Yeager guy can say whatever he wants. Ronnie said that it can get to you though.
Benjy said that Jon Leiberman was getting upset with Ronnie asking him about the same kind of things that they were asking Ronnie about.
Jon asked Ronnie why he got upset about the car thing. Ronnie said he doesn't need everyone knowing about his private business. He said that he likes cars and he doesn't see anything wrong with that. He said he's not sure why they make fun of it. Gary said it's because he reacts to it. Ronnie said he doesn't want it brought up on the air because he knows it can come up.
Jon Leiberman came in and said that he had to get different layers of his story. He said Ronnie has a pace car that he's driving around town and he wanted some of the details. Ronnie said that he heard he got a new car and he had no idea what it was. Leiberman said he knew it was a pace car from his sources. Ronnie said he had no story. Leiberman said he can't get through to Ronnie. He said it's like he has no brain. He said he confirmed his story with his sources and then Ronnie confirmed he had a new car.
Ronnie and Leiberman went back and forth arguing about the car and how the news came out. Leiberman said he can't believe that they're arguing over a car or a pace car. Ronnie said he thinks that he's a shit reporter. Leiberman said he has never called Ronnie a shitty security guard. Ronnie said this is what happens. Leiberman was getting all riled up over that just like Ronnie gets riled up. Gary pointed out that it's the same thing Howard does to him. Ronnie said he knows that but you can only take so much.
Gary said Wolfie came to him and told him about this guy Dale. He said that he thought it would be fun to do it on the show but it wasn't pithed to him that he was going to fuck with Ronnie. Gary said that they didn't even know who he was going to profile. He said it wasn't about Ronnie. Ronnie said it bothered him anyway.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is always running his mouth about jealous listeners but just look at the way he talks about listeners. He said that no one is jealous of Ronnie. He said that he wants them to be left out of his private life but he can't have it both ways.
Sal asked Ronnie about how personally he takes this stuff. He asked Ronnie if he would go to a security place and see where he stands by submitting an application. He said he could take that and show people that he's a top rated security guard. Ronnie asked why he would do that. Sal said he'd just like to see where he ranks. Ronnie said he would do that. Gary asked if he goes for refresher courses. Ronnie said he doesn't go but he talks to people about it. He said that it's about common sense and street smarts. He said it's not about being a big bully. They ended the show a short time later. It was about 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how Sirius XM announced new subscriber growth. He said he's very happy to hear that and he's sure it had nothing to do with him. He said that Doug Goodstein told him that the Howard TV subscriptions are up now too. He said they offer some A la carte stuff now and the people seem to like that too. He said they like ''Gary's Job'' special where you see Gary doing his thing. Howard said it's like a Gary travel log. Howard said you see him prepping for the show and how he handles work every day. Howard said they show many other aspects of the show.
Howard said the other big tune in is ''JD joins the block party.'' Howard said you can see all of the behind the scenes aspects. Howard said you get to see JD buckle under the pressure of the fans. Howard said he runs into a stairwell and says he has to get away from everyone. Howard said there was a room full of people and he wasn't able to handle it. JD came in and said that what happened was people who didn't have back stage access started coming up and he had no idea who they were. He said that was their space and he didn't know the people coming in there. He said there was no security. Howard said he's like the Beatles. JD said he doesn't really like attention so he had to get out of there.
Howard said JD is like King Kong not liking the flashing lights. He said he had to get away. Howard said JD's whole special is great but that in particular is great. He said JD breaks down and the camera keeps following him. JD said people were following him all over the place. He said you can't really hide when you have a camera with a light following you around. He said they're like moths to a light. Howard and Fred were doing their JD impressions goofing on him about that.
Howard said Howard TV did a good job with all of that. He said you can find all of that on your On Demand systems.
Howard said he tweeted out a promo for the Intern Beauty Pageant. He said they have the Maria Menounos episode up too. He said there are a bunch of other great specials and interviews up on the On Demand a la carte thing.
Howard said he tried watching some Olympics last night. He said you end up watching stuff that you don't expect to watch. Howard said he likes the women who have great abs like the runners. He said that he really likes a woman's stomach so he's attracted to those abs. Howard said they had one woman, Lolo Jones, who looked really good. Fred said she's a virgin and she's 30 years old. Howard said there must be something wrong there. Howard said she's very seductive with her running. Howard said she came in third in the qualifier he was watching. Robin said she heard they hold back on the qualifiers.
Howard said he was watching some of the beach volleyball and some of the girls don't have that great bodies. Howard said they didn't look so great in their bikinis and he was kind of bummed out about that. Robin said she saw they won but when she was watching they were losing.
Howard said Beth was on the Andy Cohen show last night on Bravo. Howard said he watched it this morning and the show is wild. He said they don't really ask questions on the show. He said they play games and stuff. Howard said they showed some horrible pictures of him. He said they found the worst pictures from the NBC days. Howard thanked them for that. Robin said Beth looked beautiful last night. Howard said she switched outfits before going to do that show. Howard said he's a lucky guy. He said L.A. Reid said something interesting. He said he was asked who the hardest person to work with is and he said Janet Jackson. Andy just kept going though. He didn't ask for more details.
Howard said there's a Chinese Olympian named Dong Dong. Howard said that's crazy. He said it's like a porn name. Robin said it's like Johnson Johnson. Howard said they have a whole different system over there in China.
Howard said he read about a Jewish girl who did a floor exercise to the song Hava Nagila. He said the Olympic committee was asked to honor the dead who were killed in senseless violence. They said no. Howard said 40 Arab countries threatened to not compete in the Olympics if they did that. Howard said they should have said fuck you and let them sit out. Howard said this was for people who were shot senselessly at an Olympic event so they should have just let them do it. Howard said they're basically saying that it's a good thing that they were shot. Gary said the wife of one of the guys who was killed back then has tried to get this done every Olympics. He said that she was told by the guy who runs the thing that his hands are tied. She told him that her husbands hands were tied then his legs were tied and then he was dragged around and killed.
Howard said that he was reading about this guy who did the shooting at the Sikh temple and he though that the people he was going after were Muslims. Howard said that the hate groups out there are so confused by what he did that they're denouncing him. Howard said you get one shot at life and he believes there is nothing after you die. He said people would send him this golden rainbow thing from people and they tell you that your pet is on some rainbow bridge somewhere. Howard said the dog would be miserable if that was true. He'd rather believe that she's nowhere since she loved being with them. Howard asked who is going to wipe her ass and clean her folds. My little pony? Howard said his dog didn't go anywhere special.
Howard said he hears about what Heaven is supposed to be like and they say you're reunited with your family. Howard said some of his family were fucking nuts. He said that would be more like hell to him. Robin said her mother used to threaten that she was going to hell and she told her mom that she'd rather go to hell if her mother was going to be in heaven.
Howard said he likes this Governor Cuomo. He is supporting a new micro stamping law that will show where the ammunition comes from. Howard said he likes what this guy is doing.
Howard said they fond another guy with guns at a Batman movie. He said the guy claims he brought guns just in case another red headed kid came in and shot up the place. Howard said he read that the guy who shot up the Sikh temple was on a watch list but no one could do anything. Howard said we need more government and leadership so they can stop this kind of thing before it happens.
Howard got back to Lolo Jones and talked about her abs and how she's still a virgin. Howard said he's fascinated by that.
Howard played some audio of Steve Harvey crying. He said the audio is kind of muddy though. Howard wondered if people really care that much about him. Gary said if he keeps listening he'll hear more. Howard said he had 20 minutes of nothing there. Howard said maybe Gary has to listen to this stuff or run it by Fred first. Howard said they have to learn how to do this stuff. Gary said he has to trust people around there. He said he can't listen to everything.
JD came in and said you can hear him sniffling. Howard said he has to get with it. JD said he could have previewed it during a break or something. Howard said he trusts him to get it done. Howard said he has to get to the point.
Howard played more of the clip and you can hear Steve doing something but you can't see it. Howard said JD must think that we can all see it. Howard said that they're still waiting after all this time. Robin said she'd rather just move on. Howard said they're still not there yet. He said we're waiting and waiting. Howard said Robin just turned 70.
Howard finally got to some audio where Steve is talking and crying. Howard said they could have started it right there. Howard said he can't believe this guy is retiring from comedy. He said he thinks he'll be back when he gets some good money. Robin said he is starting a daytime talk show. Howard said he's going to do this at America's Got Talent.
Howard said he understands why baseball players cry. He said the people he knows who do stand-up are happy when they're out of that. He said they just want to be on a TV show. He said they want out any way they can get it.
Howard said Tabitha Stevens is coming in and she's got a naked work out video out now. Howard said he's not sure who is going to buy that. He said maybe guys will buy it as porn but he can't imagine women buying it.
Howard said he heard that she may have banged Mike Tyson. Howard played some audio of Mike Tyson and Tabitha Stevens that was edited together to make it sound like they were having sex.
Howard said he didn't know Robin was calling guys about their balls. Robin wondered how that happened. Howard played a prank call Sal and Richard made to a guy using clips of Robin talking about a guy having gorgeous balls. The guy was laughing and having a good time talking to the clips about his balls.
Howard said Robin makes everyone happy with those calls. Howard said they were talking about people who have their balls removed and get a prosthetic ball to make it look better. Howard said he's not sure they look good to begin with. He said he's not sure why they'd need that.
Howard wanted to hang up on Eric but Eric had more to say. Howard said he likes to whip through the callers pretty quick. Howard said he ends up getting mad at him if he doesn't stay on long enough. Eric said he wanted to talk to him about the Chinese names. He saw a couple of strange ones. He said they have a male and a female with the same first name of ''He.'' Howard thanked Eric for the call. Eric said he's going to hear from him again because he wants to talk to Tabitha when she comes in. Howard sounded frustrated. Howard told him to call back when she's on. Eric said okay. Howard said Eric gets angry with him and he just can't stay on the phone all day with him.
Howard took a call from Red Gypsy who said that she was at AGT and Ronnie was totally professional. Howard said Ronnie is insane. He said he heard a clip of him on the Wrap Up Show talking about his car. Howard said he thinks that Ronnie is losing it. He said that Ronnie had an argument that made no sense yesterday. He got into it with Jon Leiberman. Howard played some of that audio where Ronnie was yelling at Jon about his pace car story. Howard said he's not sure why he's so angry about someone asking about his car. Howard said that's how he gets paid. Howard said Ronnie is losing his marbles. He said Jon is helping to make Ronnie famous and that's all he dreamt of years ago.
Ronnie came in and said he lost his mind. Howard played more of the audio of Ronnie and Jon going back and forth about the pace car. Ronnie was saying that he had no story and Jon said he did.
Howard said Ronnie was going after him too. He said he didn't get why he got upset about that. Ronnie said that he has a car that stands out a lot and he doesn't need people bothering him. Robin said that people are going to see it no matter what.
Jon Leiberman came in. Ronnie said he doesn't want to deal with Jon Leiberman. He said he can't stand the man. Howard said he's part of the show and he's doing his job. Jon said that Ronnie has become such an ignoramus. Ronnie said Jon is an idiot because he wasn't able to put his microphone on.
Jon said that Ronnie came up to him in the hall yelling about how he knows who his ''sauce'' is. He meant ''source.''
Howard played more of the audio of Jon and Ronnie going at it on yesterday's Wrap Up Show. Ronnie said Jon went crazy yesterday. Jon said he did not.
Howard said the reason they hired Jon is because that's what the job is. Jon said that he could just say ''no comment'' to him instead of getting all upset. Jon said he won't do anymore stories about him and the block party if he doesn't want him to. Jon said he has never personally attacked him. Ronnie told him to take his medicine like everyone else there does.
Jon said that attacking his reporting is ridiculous. He said that Gary is forthright when he asks him a question. He said Ronnie isn't like that. He said Gary didn't want a story reported yesterday and he still let him ask about it. He said it was about a car accident he had. Ronnie asked why it didn't air. Jon said it did air yesterday. He said it was on Howard 100 News.
Jon said he was reporting on Scott DePace and how he has instructed people to tell him when he's on camera. Howard said he has to talk to Scott about that off the air. Scott said that there is no truth to that story. Jon said he has multiple sources that he protects. Ronnie said he has little informants all over. He said they're his little fucking spies.
Howard told Ronnie that if he doesn't want to be noticed in a car then don't buy a pace car that's very noticeable. Ronnie said he knows that it's a crime to have one car that he likes. Ronnie said the glass is tinted and people won't see him but if he's out and they know what it is they'll see him. Gary said it's a convertible. Ronnie said he doesn't have to put the top down. Robin said he's looking for attention. That's why you buy that kind of car.
Howard said he had a convertible once and he had a guy jump in the car with him. He said he had to get rid of it because of that.
Jon asked Ronnie who he thinks his sources are. Ronnie said he's not going to rat his rats out. Ronnie said they can all watch him if they want to. Jon said he has 3 sources. He said he can't believe that he's watching a grown man getting upset about a pace car. He said he doesn't have to like him but he can tell him ''no comment.''
Howard asked Ronnie why he's protecting his sources. Ronnie said he doesn't rat people out.
Jon told Howard about this Scott DePace thing. He said what they have confirmed is that Scott DePace doesn't want to be filmed when he doesn't know about it. Jon said that when he's sitting back in his chair he doesn't want that captured on camera. He said he heard that he shined a light in one of the cameras when they were filming him. He said that he also called one of the producers back there ''unintelligent.''
Scott came in and said that he doesn't want a camera spying on him. Gary chimed in and said he doesn't either. Scott said he just wants to know when he's being filmed. Howard said something went down that would have been good on Howard TV.
Scott said he never told them that they can't shoot him. Howard said he heard they have to inform him. Scott said that's true. He said he just wants to know when they're in there. Scott said they were letting him know but it wasn't loud enough. He said that's all it was. Howard said he heard that there was something else going on where he had a meltdown and they weren't allowed to let him know he was going to be filmed so they didn't film him.
Jon said that when Kelsey came in and they had the jumping jacks thing back there, he was told that Scott told them not to shoot it and Scott yelled at Gregg Karmel about it. Scott said that's a flat out lie. Jon asked if he's censoring what's being shot of him. Gary asked if they will get in trouble for shooting him doing something that he doesn't know he's being filmed doing. Scott said no. Gary said they were afraid to shoot him yesterday because they think they were told not to shoot him.
Doug came in to defend Scott. Howard said he doesn't have time for this. He said that they have to cut the bullshit around there. He said none of them are superstars. He said he is the superstar. Howard said they make everyone a part of the show and let everyone get shot for the show.
Doug said that they have all of this stuff on camera and he's not sure what Jon is talking about. Gary asked why he doesn't have tape this morning. Jason and Jon Hein got into a fight and they don't have the video. Doug said he thinks they'll be bored with that.
Jon asked if there is an edict that says Scott can't be shot leaning back in his chair. Scott said if he knew he was being shot he probably wouldn't lean back. Scott said that if he has to do that then Gary should have to let him watch what he's doing in his office all the time. Right now it just goes on for 10 seconds when he hits the button. Gary said that's because of the way they fucked him last year.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said Ronnie and a couple other people up there want to be Howard without the criticism. He said they want to chill and get what Howard gets without the criticism. Howard said he thinks he's on track with that. Howard said he's making sense all of a sudden. King asked how his phone sounds. Howard said it's not all that great. Robin agreed.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie seems a bit insecure and he may have realized he's in over his head and he's paddling to keep his head above water. Howard said he does go on the offense and freak out. The caller said he'd be bragging about it if he had a car like that.
Fred said he kind of understands the Scott DePace thing but he doesn't understand the Ronnie thing even for a second. He said he wants to be a judge on the intern beauty pageant and all of that but he has to let himself be exposed in other ways. He said he doesn't get that. Robin said it's weird that he bought a car that he doesn't want attention in when it's an attention grabbing car. The caller said Ronnie might need some psychotherapy.
Ronnie came back in and said that he doesn't like Leiberman. He said he's a shyster reporter. Howard asked if he even knows what that means. Ronnie told him to forget it. Howard tried talking to Ronnie but Ronnie was freaking out again and saying that he's fucking crazy. He walked out. Then Howard asked him another question and he came back in. Howard said he had him to a barbecue. Ronnie said he did but he's a douche bag.
Jon said that Jim McClure just sent him an email. He said that Ronnie told everyone at his barbecue that he had this pace car. Jon said he must have wanted people to know about it. Jon said that calling on him to be fired yesterday was out of line. He said he would never question Ronnie in his job. He said that's what Ronnie did to him. Ronnie said he went off the deep end last week. Jon said he doesn't do personal attacks. Jon said at least Scott admitted that he has these rules about being shot. Scott said he did not. Jon said he just said he did. Jon ended up throwing his headphones down and walking out. Howard said that everyone around there is nuts.
The caller said that he feels for Ronnie. Howard and the guys were talking about how nutty Ronnie sounds not wanting people to see him in this pace car. Howard took another quick call and then went to break.
Howard came back and talked about how great Guns N' Roses was and now they hate each other so much they won't even get back together to make millions.
Howard said Tony Hawk has a radio show there and he saw Tim Sabean at the airport. He said he was talking about what he was eating at the airport. Howard said now he knows why Tim puts weight back on. Howard played some of the audio of Tony talking about seeing Tim at the airport and they were at a bar having a drink. Tony said he heard Tim on the phone and he looked over and saw him with at least a dozen oysters in front of him. That was just his appetizer. Then they brought him more food. Tony said that Tim had the biggest pile of fry ups ever. He said it's the kind of thing you're supposed to call into the Howard 100 News about. He said he just watched him put down so much food. He said he was pretty hyped.
Tim came in and said it wasn't him. He said he wasn't at the airport. He said the last time he was there was when he went to Italy. Robin asked if he believes that. Howard told him to swear on his kids. Tim laughed and swore on his kids. Tim said the last time he was there was last April. Howard said he knows a lot of people are going to Howard-Con as Tim. He believed that story. Tim said if he was having Oysters he would have had 6 and a beer.
Howard had Tabitha stand up and show her body. He said she has no cellulite on there at all. Howard asked if the video she has out is porn or a legitimate work out video. She said it's legitimate. Tabitha said she's 42 and people ask her how she stays so tiny. She said she eats healthy and does these exercises. Howard asked what he should eat. Tabitha said she eats oatmeal with craisins. She said she uses real maple syrup too. Howard asked how much she eats. Tabitha said she sticks to small portions. She said she'll have about 3 meals with snacks between. She said she eats a lot but doesn't count calories. Howard said it must be the work out that keeps it off.
Howard said that JD was going to join her to do the work out but he doesn't want to be naked. Sal and Richard might get naked for her. Howard asked if her parents are ripped like she is. Tabitha said that she's adopted so she doesn't know.
JD came in and said he's made fun of enough with clothes on. He doesn't want to be out of his clothes and get made fun of even more. Howard told him to think about it because they're not doing it yet.
Howard asked if the work out is hard. Tabitha said that it's pretty tough but not that tough. Howard asked if it's true that she slept with Mike Tyson. Tabitha said that she did back in 1991. She said she was a stripper back then and she was a big fan of his. She said he came into the club she was working at and they called her to the back office. She said they left her alone with him. Tabitha said she was so new to the game that she had no clue about stripping. She said she had no idea how the whole thing worked. She said they did it on the floor of the office of the strip club. Robin asked if there was any talking at all. Tabitha said it was mostly grunting. She said that he was kind of quiet and shy. Tabitha said she was up for it though.
Tabitha said he was wearing overalls that were made of leather. Howard said that sounds like some look. Howard said wearing that you have to bang a chick to prove you're heterosexual. Tabitha said Mike has a girthy penis. She said it's not all that long but it has girth.
Howard asked if Tabitha has had other guys who were girthier. She said she has. She said that she had a famous guy who had a penis the length of her arm. She said that it was too much for her. She couldn't take it. Howard asked if it was Colin Farrell. She said no. Howard asked if it was Mr. Ed. Tabitha was laughing and said no to everyone he asked about.
Howard said he read that she slept with Charlie Sheen. Tabitha said everyone knew about that. Howard said she slept with Judd Nelson and Mickey Rourke too. Tabitha said that Judd had a nice size penis. She said he's about as big as Charlie Sheen and Charlie is pretty big. Tabitha said that she was with Mickey when he was doing the Iron Man movie.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Tabitha claims that she never did a black guy. Now she's saying that she did Tyson. Tabitha said she was talking about doing it on film back then. She said that Mike was back when she was a stripper. She said that she didn't want to bring up his name because she was trying to protect him.
Howard said he read that Tabitha and Eric the Actor spend 2-3 hours a day on the phone. Tabitha said sometimes they do. Howard said her work out must be pretty quick. Tabitha said that she'll talk to Eric for an hour before bed once in a while.
Howard got Eric on the phone and asked what they talk about. Eric said they talk about women and things like that. Tabitha said they talk about all kinds of things. She said they talk at night about family and girls he likes and things. Howard asked if she would have sex with Eric. Tabitha said she's married and she wouldn't do that. She said they're just friends. Howard asked about Tabitha's husband and if they are millionaires. She said they do well. She said they're doing okay. Tabitha said she would say they are millionaires. Howard asked if she has a pace car. She said they don't. Howard said she must not be doing that well then.
Howard said Tabitha is there to promote this TV show she's doing. She said she's giving away the exercise video on Vimeo.com. She said the video is a real work out video.
Howard said he sees that JD is there to work out. JD didn't want to take his clothes off but he did take some off. They made fun of him so he wanted to get dressed. Howard said Robin just said that she's not sure they can show those titties on camera. He might have to put on a bikini.
Howard asked Tabitha if he was seeing pubic hair on her. She said he is and it's good for shooting. She said she hasn't done anything in over a year though. Howard said it looks like ZZ Top down there. Howard said he prefers it shaved. Tabitha agreed. She said that her husband likes it with hair for photos. He doesn't want her to go too crazy. Howard said JD could swing from that bush.
Howard said JD is ready to work out. JD said the faster they do this the faster he can put his shirt on. Howard asked Tabitha to show him some exercises that he can do with her. Tabitha asked him to take his pants off but JD wasn't going to do that. Tabitha had him spread his legs and get behind her to do some warm up exercises.
Tabitha had JD follow what she was doing. She was squeezing her stomach and tried to get JD to do the same. Howard asked her to give him an exercise for his chest. He said JD has bigger tits than Tabitha does. Tabitha had him moving and doing some stuff. She wasn't describing what she was doing though.
Howard asked where Richard and Sal were. Gary said Sal said he was coming in. Howard said he didn't come in. Sal came in a short time later. He said that they saw JD's flabby body and he stayed out. JD said he's putting his shirt back on now.
Tabitha wanted to do a 69 position and have JD kiss her ass cheeks. JD said he's not kissing her ass cheeks. Howard said Sal is going to join in now. Howard told him to stay away from JD. Howard had JD and Tabitha do their thing. Tabitha wanted him to do 10 sit ups but JD said he's not going to kiss her ass every time. Howard said he thinks JD has had enough for one day. Tabitha said she should have farted on him.
Howard said that Tabitha has shown then that exercise can be fun. He said if you're a little heavy you see it and you work harder to get rid of it.
Howard said Eric is going to have to watch that on Howard TV. Eric said he realizes that. Howard said you can check out Tabitha's stuff at TabithaTV.com.
Tabitha said that she will give JD some tokens for this cam site she works for. JD didn't want to talk about that kind of thing. Howard said JD loves tokens. Howard said 1000 tokens is like 4 whole minutes. JD said he's never dealt with tokens before. He said he pays whatever it is per minute. Tabitha said tokens are just like money. She said that she's just being nice and giving him a gift for kissing her ass. JD asked if they could just move on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that JD should stop being such a tight ass and loosen up a little bit. JD said he's sorry but that's not him. He said he's not sure what else to say. The caller said that JD should be trying to bang everything that wiggles that comes through that door. JD said he's dealing with shit so whatever. He asked Howard to just move on and end this.
Howard said JD met a girl when he did Ronnie's block party and she was a knock out. Howard said they had a night of fun and there may have been sex. He said that they're trying to work things out but she has a boyfriend. JD said he doesn't know what's going on. JD said that he doesn't want to get into it. Howard asked what the problem is. JD said he doesn't want to talk about it. This is something for off the air. Howard said he thinks of JD as a son. JD said he knows but it's for off the air. Robin said they should have had him out to dinner last night. Will said that it would have doubled the bill.
Howard asked JD what's going on. JD said that she's torn and that's all he's going to say. Howard said he has to be honest with him. He said he doesn't need to hear more. He said if the girl wanted to be with him she'd be with him. Richie Wilson agreed. He said she's made her choice. Howard said JD had a one night thing. JD said it was more than a night. He said they have hung out a few times. Howard asked if she came to New York. JD said maybe. JD said that he's not sure how much she wants out there. Robin said no one knows who she is. JD said she has friends who know who she is.
Howard said JD can't be that proud if she's meeting in secret locations. Howard said he and Beth dumped the people they were seeing because they wanted to be with each other. Howard said JD doesn't need this. Howard said he knows he's looking for drama but he should stop fighting for her. Howard said she could dump this other guy in seconds. Howard said being torn is bullshit. Howard said he would walk away if someone told him she was torn.
Howard said JD is a great guy. Tabitha said she's told him that too. JD said he knows. He thanked her for that. Howard said JD has to repeat what he just said. JD did that. Howard said she knows what she wants and if she wanted JD she wouldn't be torn. Howard said he knows he doesn't want to hear that.
Richie Wilson tried to give JD some advice about women. He said that the woman has to put him first in line if JD is going to put her first. JD just wanted all of this to stop. He didn't want to discuss it on the air.
Jason came in and said he thinks JD is really hurting. He said he had long term goals set up with this girl. JD said that they both fell hard. Howard asked if JD is torn. JD said no. Howard asked if the girl is torn. JD said she is. Howard said JD fell hard then, not the girl. Howard played the song ''Torn'' by Natalie Imbruglia for him.
Howard did a reenactment of JD's phone call with the girl and how it should have gone. Howard said when she said she was torn he should have just said ''goodbye'' and that's that. Howard did his impression of JD talking to the girl on the phone again and had him asking the girl what she just said. Howard said he bets he begged her. JD said he didn't. Howard said there are a lot of other fish in the sea. He had Richie tell him that. Richie said there are a lot of fish in the sea.
Howard asked JD what he said to the girl when she said that she was torn. JD said he just wants to move on. Richie said that's probably what she said to him. JD said he's done with this. Robin said that JD is trying to protect this girl and he shouldn't even be talking to her anymore. Howard said he would tell chicks that they're not allowed to break up with him when they'd break up. Howard said girls would call him up and say they met a guy with a big penis and he'd tell them not to leave. He said he wishes he had just said goodbye. Howard said JD is in love and he can see that. JD said he wants to move on. He said he hasn't cried. Howard asked if he's about to cry. JD said he's not. He said he doesn't need a camera on him. He told the camera guy to get away from him.
Howard asked JD if he cried on the phone with the girl. JD said he didn't. He said he's leaving now. Howard told him to get back there. Fred did his impression of JD and kept goofing on him. JD said he's leaving. Howard asked if he would move her in with him. JD didn't get a chance to answer. Howard and Fred were goofing on him and talking about his apartment with the mice in it. Howard said he knows how this can be. JD said this all happened in the past couple of days. Howard asked what happened. JD said he's not getting into this. Howard said JD is like Ronnie all of a sudden. JD said she doesn't want all of this on the air. Howard said she met him at a block party. JD said she didn't actually. He said that they met on Facebook and Twitter. Howard said he didn't realize this was a real romance.
Ronnie said this girl is smoking hot. He said JD is a little bummed out. He said he talked to him about it but it's hard to give him advice. He said JD is hard headed about stuff and he wants this to work out. He said he's staying in it and not getting out. Ronnie said he knows some of what's going on. He's not sure if JD wants him to bring it up on the air though.
Ronnie said the situation he's in is not good for him. He said he obviously got sucked into the pussy. He said she's very sweet and beautiful. He said he only met her for like 5 minutes though. Howard said JD must feel like a man. Ronnie said he thinks that she's going to break his heart. Howard said they have to get him laid. Howard said Tabitha will fuck him. JD told them to stop. Tabitha said she's torn now.
Shuli came in and said he knows that JD's heart is leaning toward another woman. He was talking about Kelsey the girl with the big boobs. The guys said that won't happen because she already said that she won't go out with her. Shuli said they're doing a show in Pennsylvania and JD asked if she was going to be there.
Tabitha said that she's going to be at the Vegas block party so she'll help him get laid out there. She said she'll take him out. JD said he hears her. Ronnie said they're going to have some fun out there in Vegas with Tabitha.
Ronnie said this girl is really hot. Howard asked how JD got that girl in the first place. Ronnie said she is a fan of the show. JD said that was the way they were introduced. He said that he didn't know this guy was going to come back into her life. JD said it was her ex that came back. Howard said they're not sure he's even back. JD said he's sure.
Shuli said he's not sure why JD thinks he got that girl based on personality alone. Ronnie told him to take it easy on the guy. Shuli said JD gets some every time they do a show so he's not sure what he's so upset about.
Howard thanked everyone for coming in and wrapped up. He said that Tabitha looks great there all nude. Howard gave her some more plugs and then went to break.
Howard came back and laughed as he listened to that Riley Martin clip Fred was playing. Howard said that Robin's birthday is today. He said he had the President of the United States on the phone for her. Howard picked up and had the impersonator (Ben Campbell) on the line. Obama was saying that he would like to dive face first into those breasts. He also said he would take her from behind. He said he was going to come in today but he didn't want to be anywhere near Baba Booey's toe fungus.
Howard asked fake Obama about his thoughts on gun safety and Obama said that Tim Sabean's ass is more dangerous than assault rifles. Howard said he's very happy to have Obama on the phone. Obama said he's been watching the Olympics and he's very proud of their Olympians. He said when the Koreans lose they kill them. Howard said he thinks they do that in China too.
Howard talked to Obama about the people who have the great abs and said he loves having him on the phone. Obama said he thinks that it's time to bring back America's Judge. He said if they bring back Big Barry on that show he's going to bomb Iran.
Obama said that if Lisa G is a D cup then he's the head of the Ku Klux Klan. Obama also kept saying ''Mitch'' Romney. Howard and Robin had to correct him on that. Obama said people have balls making fun of his name when someone is named Mitt.
Obama said he thinks that Madonna is a pig just like Elton John does. He was talking about how much he likes Ronnie Mund too. He wants to hire him to work for the CIA if he ever leaves Howard's show. They wrapped up and let Obama go a short time later.
Howard played the prank call he played earlier where Sal and Richard used Robin clips to talk to a guy about his nice balls. Howard said that they have Psych coming in to sing live for her after the break. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and mentioned that tonight is Superfan Roundtable. Howard also played a ''Ronnie Mund School of Dating Etiquette'' commercial parody.
Howard said that there are Ronnie Mund songs now too. He played one of those which was an opera song. Howard said that was Daniel Mendelson.
Howard had Psych the song parody guy in the studio for Robin. Psych said he likes Daniel because he doesn't steal stuff from him. Psych is blind so Howard asked if he's totally blind. Psych said he's totally blind.
Psych said he has a funny Ronnie story. He said he thought it would be funny to walk around aimlessly and bump into Ronnie but he wasn't in the hall when he tried it. Howard said maybe he should just sing a song. Howard said he's just aggravated today. He said he's trying to be sympathetic to his handicap but he's aggravating him.
Howard had Psych perform a song for Robin. Psych played guitar and sang a medley of songs for her. He had a bunch in there and made up a new one on the spot.
Howard played some of Psych's past songs that they've played on the air before. Howard said he's really good with the Queen song parodies. Howard played a couple of those. Howard asked how long it takes to record these songs. Psych said it can take an hour or more for some of the more complicated songs. Howard played some other songs that Psych has sent in. He played ''Anal Pain'' to the tune of ''Purple Rain.'' Howard asked where his lighter was. He let that song play for a minute. He said that had to take more than an hour. Psych said it really didn't.
Psych said he could write a song on the spot for Robin. He said he thought about it on the way in. Psych sang about it being Robin's 60th birthday and how you're never too old for ass play. Psych sang that for Robin and Howard said it was beautiful. Howard said that a lot of the songs are about ass play. Psych said some guys are about the breasts and he's about the ass.
Howard said you can check out his music at PsychMusic.com. Howard said he heard he doesn't like Little Mikey because he steals from him. Psych said that its not just him. He said that there are others that steal stuff from him.
Howard said Psych has something going on with his dad. He was supposed to be at chemo treatments with him today but he blew that off to come to sing for Robin today. Psych said he just found out he has leukemia recently and he's getting those treatments done every day.
Howard gave Psych a plug for his Twitter @PsychSongs after he asked for that.
Howard was going to take some calls but Psych asked him not to. Howard said maybe it's time to say goodbye. Robin asked how he lost his sight. Psych told them how he lost it and how he had some tumors he got treated for and that's how he lost his sight. Psych said he has a girlfriend and he told her that he wasn't ready to get married so she might be on the outs with him right now. He said she's the sweetest girl in the world. He said he's so sorry for doing that. Howard said it really is a man's world. Howard said he can't see anything and he's blowing off women.
Howard asked how old he is. Psych said he's 40. He said the girlfriend is 30. Howard asked if he can tell if she's hot. Psych said he can tell weight and height but that's about it. He said he can't tell how hot she is. He said she would do anything for him and she's so sweet. Howard asked what the problem is. Psych said he feels if he gets married there's nothing out there. He said he's commitment phobic. Howard said it really is a man's world.
Howard said if he was blind he would take whoever he can get. Howard said it's amazing and he's an uplifting kind of guy. Psych started to sing a song about Wendy the Retard. Howard said he thinks he's had enough of him today.
Howard said there's something going on with this guy today that's annoying him. He said he would take some calls though. Howard asked if he has money. Psych said he was fine but Howard said he can play a game for $1,000. Howard asked if he wanted to play or not. Psych said he did.
Howard said he has a Gary the Retard Game to play with him. He was going to go to the phones but why not let Psych try to win. Howard gave him a sample question but it was actually Gary's answer. Howard said they got that set up just right for him. Gary said it was cued up this morning.
They asked Gary where babies come from. Howard tried to play the answer but it wasn't working. Howard said this is going to be a long day. Howard eventually got the answer to play and it was ''A woman's stomach, dummy.''
Howard played the next question which was ''Name a television network.'' Psych said there's no way he'll get that. Gary's answer was ''The only one I like is that Dog the Bounty Hunter.''
Howard played the next question which was ''What is an abortion?'' Robin said he has to know what that is. Howard said no way he'll know. Psych said he won't know. Gary's answer was ''When a girl can't have no babies.'' Psych said something about Robin's age again and Howard said he has to stop that because Robin doesn't want people knowing she's 60.
Howard played the next question which was ''What is a nickel worth?'' Psych said he's going to say he does know. Robin said no way. Psych changed his answer. Gary's answer was ''I don't know... I'm retarded you asshole.''
Howard played the next question which was ''What planet do you live on?'' Psych said that he thinks he knows. Robin said this is tough but she thinks he knows. Gary the Retard's answer was not Earth. I didn't understand what he said.
Howard played the next question which was ''What day comes before Friday?'' Psych said he will know the answer. Howard said he thinks he agrees with him. Gary's answer was ''Thursday.'' Howard said Psych did it. He won $1,000 thanks to DontBeBroke.com
Howard said he pulled it out at the end. Howard gave him some more plugs for his web site and then went to break.
Howard came back sang along with the song a little bit. Howard said he was looking at the JD clip of the week. He played that and they had a theme song for the clip. Howard said that the Olympics are supposed to end at Midnight and this news anchor in Jacksonville got angry at Bob Costas for going long. Howard said the Olympics get really good ratings and no one cares about the news. He said that this guy goes off on Costas. Howard played the clip had the sports guy on that channel was going nuts about Costas going long and complaining about it.
Howard said they have the Olympics that are once every four years. He said no one cares about this guy. Howard said here are three others there and they're just looking at him like they want him to shut up.
Howard said that was the JD Clip of the Week. He said that's an institution around there. It was a new bit that no one had ever heard before though.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show. He brought up JD's girl problems so Howard and Fred goofed on JD for a minute.
Jon also mentioned the dinner Howard had for Robin last night. Howard had them guessing what the bill was. They all guessed and Howard said that it was just over $1,000 with tip. Howard said he got Robin a birthday gift as well.
Jon mentioned Scott DePace and his rules for being shot on camera. Scott said he never said he didn't want one on him. He said he just wants to know when it's on him. Howard said it's on him all day long, that's all he has to know. Gary said that whenever there's a light on in the studio then he should expect to be on camera. Howard said there is a camera on him all the time. Scott said he doesn't want a camera sneaking up behind him. Howard said he works for Howard TV. He should expect to be on all the time.
Gary said that they all participate in the show and he's wondering why Scott is different. Gary tried getting an answer out of Scott but Howard cut him off. He said Scott just doesn't understand it. Howard said the camera is on all the time and that's all he has to know.
Gary said this is about Scott slouching in his chair and he doesn't want people shooting him like that. Howard said he wants to know when he's slouching in his chair so get that on tape. Howard said that Jason is in there with a camera now. He said the camera will be turned off in 2015 when there is no more show. Howard said that's when the camera will be off him. Scott said he's going to go around and find a lot of tape of everyone else there then. Howard told him to go ahead and do that. Jon ran down a few more things they were going to cover today.
Robin started her news talking about NBC and Sharon Osbourne. Howard said they're back live next week so he can't imagine what's going to happen. Robin said that NBC doesn't want to talk to her about why her son was dropped from this show he was supposed to be in. Robin said they're not talking to her now. Howard said he's not sure what that means. Howard said he's afraid that he's the instigator of this whole thing. Howard said he found out that they didn't ask her to come back next year. He said they asked him if he would be back and they need to know that because they need to know where they'll be shooting the show. Howard said they have to secure this thing way in advance. Howard said he's not trying to play games. He said he has to figure out how this fits in his schedule.
Howard said he thinks that Sharon may be upset that they asked him if he was coming back and didn't ask her. Howard said he's not sure what will happen. Howard said they're live next week and he heard Sharon is coming in. Robin said she's going to continue of course. Howard said he thinks they'll work things out. Robin said she thinks they can work it out too. Howard said he knows they like her over there.
Howard said he wants to tell people that he told them so. Howard said the media was making up that the reason she wasn't coming back was because of Howard Stern. Howard said there is zero truth to that. They just make shit up. Howard said they should ask Sharon and not make it up. Howard said Sharon was put in the Olympics commercials and he was left out of them. Howard said he saw that they put one together after he complained. Howard said he doesn't understand. He said the Olympics are almost over and now they have one with him in it. Howard said he's not privy to what's going on over there.
Robin asked Howard if he knows what's going on with the Jets. Howard said something about Tebow. Robin said they have guys fighting with each other on the field. Howard said that's some team spirit. Robin said the coach made them all run wind sprints to get the energy out. She said it's like high school kids. They spent a few minutes talking about that and Gary joined in since he's a big Jets fan. Robin and Howard spent a minute talking about the Olympics too.
Robin asked Howard if we should be executing people with an IQ of 61. Howard said he works with a lot of retarded people and Gary the Retard is a very gentle person. He said he knows that it's not right to kill people. He said if they were walking around talking about killing people then maybe. Howard said not everyone with an IQ of 61 or less is going to kill someone. Howard said Wendy the Retard knows better than to do that. Fred played a few Wendy clips while he was talking about that. Robin said they executed a man in Texas even though he was found to be retarded. Robin said he was convicted but they never proved that the guy committed the crime. Howard said that's a whole other issue. Howard said he's sure that retarded people know the difference between right and wrong. Howard said they have 4 people there at Sirius with a 17 IQ. He said they keep them in a planter.
Ralph called in and wished Robin a happy birthday. Ralph also said he wasn't able to see Howard in the results show from the last AGT show. Howard said he's right. Howard said they didn't call on him until almost a half hour into the show. Howard said they gave him a second to speak and it was 40 minutes into the show. Howard said Howie went a minute 50 and used up all his time. Howard said he shouldn't have even shown up for that show. Ralph said they could have used a cardboard cutout of him. Howard said he thinks everyone is waiting to hear what he has to say. He said he's America's judge. He said Sharon is from England and Howie is from Canada so he really is America's Judge.
Howard and Ralph spent a minute talking about that weird situation at AGT. Howard said they can do what they want. He said they clearly like Sharon better than him. Howard said it really is kind of strange. He said that they might have held back to get people to tune in to hear his opinion. Howard said Howie was going on and on with his minute and 50. Howard said he was going back and forth and Howie claims he didn't see the light they flash for your time. Howard said he might start doing that and go for an hour and a half. Howard said they'll never hear from Howie and Sharon if he starts going on and on. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard said he saw that some people have been bidding on his photo session that's being auctioned off for the Hamptons Wildlife Center. Howard said that he will do whatever the person wants him to do in the shoot. He said you can get more information at HowardStern.com.
Robin read about Macaulay Culkin and a story the National Enquirer has about him being on heroin. Robin said that they claim he's going to be dead in 6 months but Culkin's people say that's just not true. Robin said the Enquirer wants him to take a blood test.
Robin said a great white shark attacked a man off Cape Cod last month. Robin said that the guy was on Piers Morgan last night and she had some audio of the guy talking about that. The guy was talking about how the shark bit his leg and then let go. Then it surfaced like it was doing some kind of display. Robin said they say that the sharks aren't supposed to attack people but they do. Howard said he never hears about any famous people getting attacked by sharks. He said that's the only reason he would go in the ocean. He said with his luck he'd be the first one. Howard said he has no desire to be someone's food.
Robin read about an ad from the Pro-Obama Super Pac that might be the most brutal so far. Robin said they blame Mitt Romney for the cancer death of some woman. They have this guy talking about how he lost his health care after Mitt Romney shut down a plant he worked at. Howard said that is a pretty good one. The guy said his wife died in 22 days after she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Howard said that's tough stuff. He said he's not sure what else you could say about the guy. Howard made up a bunch of other nonsense they could use in those commercials. Fred played some menacing music behind him as he did that. He had Mitt stealing JD's girlfriend and stealing Psych's songs and things like that. He said Mitt Romney slouches in his chair at work. Mitt Romney drives a pace car and doesn't want anyone to know. Howard had line after line about people on the show and the stuff they do.
Robin had some news about the guy who shot up the Sikh temple. Robin had some audio of someone talking about the case. Robin said they don't know a lot about the shooter. He didn't leave any notes explaining his attack. Robin said they arrested his girlfriend. She was in the possession of an illegal gun because she's a felon. Robin said that woman was training to be a nurse. Howard said that will make everyone nuts.
Robin read some news about the Gabrielle Giffords shooter's case. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how they'll be able to move on now. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about how the Olympics are doing in the ratings. Robin said they're in the top 7 spots this week. Robin said they think that this will inspire people to go out and get into sports and working out. Robin had some audio of a female doctor talking about how you should be careful before doing that. Howard said that no one ever takes that advice. He said that no one checks with their doctor.
Robin read a story about a woman who broke into another woman's home and sexually assaulted her in front of a child. Robin said she's never heard of such a thing. Robin had some audio of an official talking about why this woman claims she assaulted this other woman. Robin said the woman suspected the other woman of being her husband's mistress. Robin said there was a 4 year old child in the home at the time.
Robin read about Marvin Hamlisch dying and had some audio of him speaking about his process of writing.
Robin read about how the Juggalos are gathering today. Robin said they're in Illinois for a festival. Robin said they have a bunch of bands performing including Insane Clown Posse. Howard asked how they're doing. Gary said they hear from them once in a while. Gary said he read that the woman in that sexual assault had shoved her fingers up the other woman's rectum. Howard and Robin wrapped up and ended the show at 10:00am.
Jon asked Scott about JD being in that glass office and how he doesn't know when the cameras are on him. Scott said it's very different. He said their room is very dark and there is no light allowed. He said it's like a hidden thing and he doesn't know that someone is behind him. He said JD would know if someone was behind him. JD said he'd know that the camera would be on him because the light would be on. Scott said he just said that they can't use light in that room. He said they iris up and don't use a light.
Jon Leiberman came in and said that no one got anything wrong. He said that he asked them to tap him on the shoulder and let him know when they're shooting him. Scott said he asked one camera man to do that. He said it's just the guy who shoots the behind the scenes stuff.
Scott said it was always ''just let me know'' but the last few times he hasn't heard him tell him that he's filming him. He said he told him to yell louder when he does it. He said he never asked him to tap him on the shoulder but if that's what it takes then that's what they have to do.
Gary asked who else beside Scott has a rule. Scott said Gary has that rule. Gary said he does not. Gary said if he gets into an argument in the hall the camera is on him. He said the bigger issue is that Scott is the director of the TV show. He said he should trust his guys. Scott said he has to be kidding. He said he isn't in the edit and he doesn't trust anyone there. Gary said what he's getting is that he doesn't trust his guys. He said they haven't fucked him over but Scott is afraid he's going to get fucked over. Scott said he wants to control the way he looks on camera.
Scott said a fight in the hall is different than him working in the back. Leiberman asked what he's afraid of getting caught doing. Scott said he might say something he doesn't want on camera. Gary said Scott has his own rules. Gary said they want to put the camera on him when something is interesting. He said that a cameraman comes into his office when something interesting is going on. Gary said no one is saying they want a camera on Scott 24/7. He said it's not Big Brother. Gary asked why he's different than everyone else there. Scott said he's not. He said Gary is the same. Scott said he's directing the show and he just wants to know when they're shooting him. Scott said Gary must be too stupid to hear what he's saying. Gary said that's how this all got started yesterday when he called one of his employees stupid.
Scott said he doesn't think that it's unreasonable to be told when he's going to be on camera. Gary said that Scott would never work on his web site while working on the show or anything like that. Scott kept turning it on Gary and brought up how he played Solitaire. Gary said that all of Scott's employees hate Scott. He said everyone but Goodstein, Gange and one of the other guys were telling him how much they hate Scott. Scott said he could care less.
Jon asked if they protect each other back there. Gary said he does think that they do to a certain extent. Ronnie came in and said that he was saying the other day that no one likes Scott back there. Gary said he didn't say it was everyone.
Gary said that Scott called one of his people unintelligent and that's what got this started. Scott said he was telling that person something and he gave him a hard time saying he didn't know why. Then he asked him to just let him know when he was going to be on camera and he asked why, why, why again. He said he came in on Monday morning and said he heard they had to hit him on the head to let him know when they're shooting him. Scott said on Monday he had problems in the studio and the guy asked if they should turn the light on and off to get his attention to know that he's being filmed. Scott said that he was trying to shoot something and he didn't need the joke at that time. He said he said to Lee that he might not be smart enough to understand why. Gary wanted an exact quote. Scott didn't remember. Gary said that the tape has gone missing too. Scott said he has nothing to do with that.
Doug Goodstein said they have the tape. Gary asked why he didn't bring it to him this morning. Doug was off microphone so his response couldn't be heard.
Doug said there are 3 guys who he thinks don't like him. He said he'd bet there are 4 who are in the middle and a few other guys who are fine. He said he knows how some of them are and who doesn't get along with him. He said if Lee is one of them it doesn't matter because he's not one of his guys. He said Lee is a producer. He said his camera guys and the lighting guy are his guys. Gary asked if he can tell a producer what to do. Scott said he can't. He said that's Doug's job.
Gary asked Scott if he thinks he's a good listener. Scott said ''absolutely.'' Leiberman said there is a lot of fear back there. He said there's that Lee was defending him today and Scott was still calling Lee stupid. Shuli said that Scott's wall of silence kicked them out of there today too.
Jon said Howard said today that the cameras are on all the time and they're always on camera. Gary said if something interesting is going on they have to have the right to shoot it. Gary said if you can't do something on the fly then there are some controls in place. Gary said that maybe the camera guys can't let him know right away. Scott said it isn't a problem.
Leiberman said that this isn't about when he's shot. He said it's about being caught slouching in his chair and things like that. Scott said that the show is 5 hours long and if he has to be on camera for 5 hours it will be crazy. Jon asked if he's trying to avoid being caught slouching. Scott said he's seen Gary doing a lot of stuff on camera. Gary said it's not about that. Scott said if he has to filter his words and the way he acts if he is on camera all the time.
Scott said he's going to put a hidden camera on Gary. Gary said he'll sue him for all he's worth. He said that's not what this is. Scott said that it is the same thing because when they're filming him it's like he's on a hidden camera.
Gary said he wants to be able to leave Scott's camera on all the time and he'll leave his on all the time. They went to break a short time later.
Gary said he's not sure what it is that Scott doesn't want people to see that might be seen. Scott asked Gary why he doesn't want a hidden camera on him the whole time. Gary said it's not ''the whole time'' there. He said it's not always on. Scott said there is a difference. Gary said if they put a camera on him for a second to get something that's different than leaving the camera on him 6 hours straight. He said there are no hidden cameras there. Scott said he's hyper focused on the monitors and he can't know what's going on behind him all the time.
Gary said if he asked to be tapped on the shoulder to be told he's on camera then it would ruin the moment. Scott said they know when they're on camera because of the light. Gary said they don't know though. They don't always see that light.
Jason said that he is hyper focused on everything in there and he's wondering how he's supposed to know that he's on camera. Scott made a snoring sound. Scott said that it's going to happen from time to time. Jason asked to get a tap on his shoulder from time to time. Jason said they have video of him being filmed and he didn't know about it. Scott said it's different. The guys all wondered why it was different. Scott didn't have a good answer.
Jason asked Scott why he can't just put a note on his monitor saying that he has a camera on him. Scott didn't get it.
Doug Goodstein came in and said he sees it more than anyone back there. He said Scott rarely has anything going on back there so he's not doing a good job defending himself there. Jason said that he has an argument with Will almost every day so there is something going on there. Scott said that's such bullshit. Will came in and said they don't fight all that much. Jon asked how he feels about the camera. Will said you have to assume a camera is going to be on you all the time, especially when you're fighting.
Scott said when he's working on the show he doesn't want to be shot. Gary said he's doing a great job though so he's not sure what the problem is. Scott kept saying he just doesn't want a hidden camera on him.
Gary said he never gets a piece of tape of what's going on back in that room. He said that they protect each other. Doug said he had audio of Gange and Shuli fighting. Gary said that's not Doug's people. That's one of Doug's people.
Leiberman asked Scott about a number of clips that he would like to release of Gary, Jon Hein and others. He asked if those clips were acquired with a hidden camera. Jon said that he heard him lash out and he'd like to know if he took them without their knowledge. Scott said it is the camera in Gary's office. Leiberman said that he's being hypocritical.
Jon asked everyone to stop yelling at each other so he can take some calls. The first caller said it sounds like Scott wants to filter himself like a guy telling his wife not to come to work so she'll see what you're up to. Scott said of course he wants to filter himself. Jason said that once the camera is there it's not hidden. Scott said that they tell him the camera is there and he knows.
Jon tried to get Scott's attention but he was just arguing with the other guys in the studio. Jon asked him if he thinks the camera in the bullpen is a hidden camera. Scott said it's not... just about always. Gary said the bullpen is the area where Will, Jason, Jon, Steve Brandano and Jason work in. Scott said the light is on and they know when it's on. He said it's most of the time. Gary said Scott is just clinging to something that just isn't.
Jon said he knows the camera is there and they all understand that. Jon said the camera is already there. Scott said he wants to put a camera on everyone all the time. Gary said that there are no hidden cameras. They know they're there. Gary said Scott knows the camera will be in and out. Scott said they all know when the camera is on them. Jason said they do not. They're often surprised by it.
Gary said that they don't know the camera is on the same way Scott wouldn't know. Scott said he would know less of the time.
Ralph called in and Scott said something about him. Ralph said he was going to defend Scott but now he may not. Ralph said he gets why Scott wants to know when a camera is on him. He said Gary turns on his camera and he can clearly see when someone comes into his office. Gary said he gets that. He said there are times when Howard is yelling at him and he's hyper focused on Howard and there is a camera on him and he doesn't know it's there. Gary said there are times when you just don't know there's a camera there. Ralph said it's not a fair comparison.
Gary said sometimes Sal is in there between him and the camera. He said maybe they should have someone in a Scott mask doing that between him and the camera. Scott said he's fine with that as long as it doesn't interfere with him directing the show.
Jason said Ralph knows what the office is like and how is that any different than Scott's office. Ralph said that no one wants to shoot them. He said they know when the cameras is on them. Jason said it's not that obvious all the time. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Lee said that they set the rules weeks ago about the Behind the Scenes stuff. He said they got permission to shoot Scott. Scott said there is no permission. Lee said the behind the scenes stuff is kind of new. He said they knew that Scott wanted to know. He said they've always done that. He said Rob would come in and Scott wouldn't hear him. He said they asked Rob to speak up. He said they started to tap him to let him know. Gary said that it wasn't working for Scott then.
Scott said there were three times when they came in and he didn't know they were there. Gary said it wasn't working for him the way he wanted it to work. Scott said that he just wanted him to talk louder. Lee said that they suggested the tapping thing and he's not sure what else they can do. He said Scott is making them seem like a bunch of idiots. Scott said that's their problem and they think they don't have that trust.
Lee said that Scott has been there for 19 years and he's never had that trust. Lee said he's been there 6 years. He said there is a trust issue when you don't go that far back with someone. Lee said he would trust Scott if he promised him that he wouldn't put something in the show. He said he gets that he doesn't want to be portrayed poorly. Gary said they could control that. Doug sees the final show and he could put a stop to it. Gary said Scott doesn't even trust Doug and Mike Gange.
Scott said he just wants to know when the camera is on him and that way he won't have to worry about anything. Lee said he came in this week just to let Scott know that he was on the same page with him. He said they'll always let Scott know. It's not an issue.
Jon asked who Scott does trust around there. Scott said that's such a stupid question. Jon asked why it's stupid. Scott said there are levels of trust. Gary said he trusts Jon and Jason to certain levels. He said he would trust Jason not to tell someone something. Scott said he trusts pretty much everyone there. Jon asked who he would trust blindly. Scott said very few then. He said maybe Will and a lot of his crew. Gary asked if Doug and Gange fall into that. Scott said he would trust Gange but maybe not Doug.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Scott and Ronnie are the angriest guys on the show. Another caller said that this is the nature of the Stern show to capture this stuff on video. He said trying to control it isn't right. Scott said that no one will accept a hidden camera and that's what this is. The caller said that Tim was caught with the hidden camera on the shit episode.
Doug Goodstein said he gets what Scott is doing. He said he just wants to be aware of what he's saying back there when he's on camera. Gary said Doug could control that though. He said he could keep it out of the show. Doug said he can have a gauge in his head knowing he's on camera. Doug said someone might say something that they don't want on camera if they don't know they're on camera. Gary said he gets what he's saying but they could take a line out.
Gary said that Doug was the one who told him that they shoot everything and take out what they don't need later. Gary said they give Scott the tap and he never got the tap. Scott kept saying he wanted to film everything in Gary's office but no one was asking to see Scott 24/7.
Scott said he just wants to control his situation. Gary said they would all like to do that. Scott said he just made his point. Gary said that his camera was on 24/7 and that was a different story. The guys kept going over the same stuff over and over and over again.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he has a problem with Gary talking about what goes on in a corporation. He said he would have been fired years ago if he worked in a corporation. The caller said Howard doesn't fire people so that's why he's still there. Gary said people fuck up at work every day and they don't get fired. The caller said they do get fired. Gary said people just don't get fired for making one mistake. Gary said this is a different environment than where he may work. Gary said he wasn't even talking about other corporations.
Another caller said that Scott is sounding less and less intelligent. The guy said that when you work in an office you expect to be on security cameras so you behave. Scott said that they should have hidden cameras on everyone then. The caller said this is all for the show. Jon said he thinks that they've gone through this enough. Gary said he thinks so. He said he's bored with this discussion.
Gary asked Scott if there will be any repercussions if someone doesn't tap him on the shoulder. Scott said he knows he'll be a lot more guarded. Gary asked if there will be anyone getting yelled at. Scott said no. He said Howard is the boss and he told them how it's going to work.
Gary said he had a girl yell at him over something they discussed on the air one time. He said he knows what that's like.
Gary said he knows that JD has had other situations where they don't want to be talked about. JD said no one wants to be talked about. He said he opens his dumb fuckin' mouth and gets into trouble. Gary said he's never really seen JD with a traditional girlfriend. JD agreed. He said nothing has gotten to that point where it's like that. JD said he doesn't know what's going on but this was the closest so far. Gary asked if there is a part of him that enjoys the turmoil. JD said no. JD said that it doesn't help when they bring it up on the air.
JD said he knows this is his job and he doesn't want to disappoint his boss. He said Howard is the boss and he doesn't want to disappoint him.
Jon asked if he was upset about the Steve Harvey thing. JD said he wishes he could have previewed it for Howard but that didn't happen. He said that's why he need up taking his shirt off for that dumb bit. He said he did it because he got yelled at for his lack of editing skills. Benjy gave him some advice on this girl but JD told him to just drop it. They ended the show around 11:15am.
In the clip Howard came back from a break with a David Letterman appearance clip playing. Howard asked Fred what song he thinks they were playing. Marc Coppola was there so he asked him if he knows what its. Marc said it was Urge Overkill. Howard said he had no idea.
Howard said he has Nicolas Cage sitting in next to him. He said hi to him and asked what his new movie is about. It was actually Marc Coppola sitting in. He's Nicolas Cage's brother. Howard welcomed him to the show and said he's a DJ there. Robin said she saw Marc in a movie. He was a news reporter in the movie ''North.'' Marc said he had one line in the movie. He said that's what it seems to be every time he gets a role.
Howard said Mark has been there 8 or 9 years now. He said he's from a famous family. Howard said Francis Ford Coppola is his uncle and Nicolas Cage is his brother. Howard went over some of the other people in his family and how he's related. Howard said Marc hasn't succeeded like the rest of the family has. He said he's trying to act like his brother but he can't get into it like Nicolas has.
Howard said they call Marc ''the Cope'' and he just hasn't done much. Marc said he has other family that they don't hear about. He said his brother Chris is a director and you don't hear much about him. Howard said this is a tough situation to be in. He said many people know him but he goes home and he's a failure. Marc said the family does talk about their success but his father was a teacher.
Howard said he hears to get attention in that family they have to have weird pets. Gary came in and said that they did a family portrait of the Coppola family and Marc was missing. Marc said his aunt Talia was missing too.
Howard talked to Marc about why he was there with stitches in his lip. Howard said he has a big patch over it. Howard said Cope is one of these people who insists on having weird pets. He said he has spoken out about this in the past. He said he has to have weird pets to get attention in the family. Howard asked if he went to the opening of his brother's movie. Marc said he did. Marc said he was introduced as Nicolas Cage's brother. He said that can get kind of annoying. Howard said he thinks Marc is a better looking guy than his brother. Howard said Marc is a better looking guy than his brother. He said at least he has his hair while his brother is losing his.
Howard talked to Marc about his dating life and how his brother must get hotter chicks. Marc said he's done fine with women. He said he has gotten a lot of good looking women. Howard also talked to him about this woman he was dating that broke it off with him. Marc said she was hoping to get work through him but he wasn't going to be able to help so she left him. Howard said he knew that was going to happen.
Howard got back to Marc's lip and said that he has this Iguana for a pet. Howard said he had a ferret for a while too but he had to get rid of it because it was illegal in New York. Howard said he got this Iguana and this is the second time he has been bitten on the lip by this thing. Howard asked if he was kissing it. Marc said that's what happened the first time. He said this time it was different. He said he had his whole lower lip torn off. He said he was trying it give the thing some vitamins and it bit him. Marc said he was trying to keep it healthy.
Howard asked how it got him. Marc said it just lunged at him. Howard said a dog or a cat recognize you. He said an Iguana is like a long tailed rat or rodent. Howard said they live in the jungle and they're not supposed to be with people. Robin said it was perfectly right to bite Marc. Marc said the ones he has raised since they were little are tame and docile. He said this one was one that someone gave him.
Howard said he heard the Iguana was upset that Marc didn't get it work in a family movie. He said he can't believe that woman said it to him. Marc said he can't understand it either.
Howard asked Marc more about his brother and who he's dating. Marc said he can't talk about that. Howard said Nicolas Cage won't hang with his own brother. He said if he went out to Los Angeles and asked to live with him he wouldn't let him stay. Marc said he would. Howard didn't believe it. Howard asked if he ever sees his uncle Francis. Marc said he sees him once in a while. Robin asked if he needs a pass to get in the family get togethers. Howard said it must be such a drag living with a famous brother, uncle and aunt in the family. Robin said they should treat him like family no matter what he does.
Marc said that he asked Howard for a role in his film but he told him to get it from his family. Howard said it's sad that they won't put Marc in the movies. Howard said they put the whole family in the movies but not Marc.
Gary said he had a stuttering John interview with Talia Shier. He said it was real quick. Howard played the clip and John was asking her if she knows Marc Coppola. Of course she did. John asked a question about Francis Ford Coppola and Talia answered. John asked why he won't put Marc in movies and her people said that was it and pulled her away.
Howard said Francis' last two movies didn't do well and Marc was doing a dance over that. Howard said he likes having Marc there. He said he can come to him and he'll make fun of him no matter how his career is going. Howard asked him to beg his brother to come on the show. Marc said he said he was going to come. Howard said he must be too afraid.
Howard found out that Marc prays to the god Quan Yin so he goofed on Marc about that for a little while. Howard asked Marc about who that is and why he would switch. Marc tried explaining to Howard but said now he's going to have to explain it to people. Howard said he'd bet that his brother isn't into that Quan Yin. He said he's into his own things and he wouldn't switch with anyone in his family. Howard was making fun of Marc for praying to this god and making up chants and stuff. Robin was helping goof on him too. Howard had a lot of jokes about it and kept it going for a few minutes.
Howard told Marc that everyone is tired of Jesus so they're looking for things like Quan Yin. Howard said he blames Quan Yin for his career and the Iguana for his lip. Howard said he thinks that Quan is going to abandon him like his girlfriend did.
Howard said it's been a pleasure having him there. He thanked him for sharing his story about the Iguana. Howard thanked him for sharing about Quan Yin too. Howard said he studied Quan Yin for a few years and he remembers the chant. He recited that and goofed on Marc some more.
Howard wrapped up with Marc and thanked him for coming in. Howard said they'll talk about his brother, and the women he's had, after Marc is gone. Howard wrapped up with Marc a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking about credit cards and how he must have a lot of frequent flyer miles. Howard said he never uses them though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has to be kidding about the miles. He said he's a millionaire and he's complaining about frequent flyer miles. Howard said he should come down there and say that. Howard asked the guy what he does for a living. Howard said he worked hard when he was just starting out. Howard said he was making $96 a week when he started out and he was being fired all the time. Howard said that argument is ridiculous. He said the caller is a dick.
Howard said people think they know what he has. Robin said they think he doesn't work too. Robin said they don't know what it's like. Howard said it feels like work to him. He said it's not the hardest work but it is work.
Howard said when he was coming up in the business he had an uncle who asked when he was going to get a real job. Howard said they thought he was an idiot doing what he was doing. Howard said if he could have had a nursing job he would have been thrilled. He had nothing to fall back on. He said he sucked on the air and his old man was calling him an idiot. Howard said it wasn't easy.
Stuttering John asked how old he was when he started making a living. Howard said it was when he was about 30. Robin said he was making a decent, average living when he was younger. Howard said he was making $30,000 when he got to Washington. Howard said he took a pay cut. He said he was making $50,000 for a month out in Detroit. Howard said he got to New York and NBC gave him $100,000 for five years. He said he had zero in the bank because he wasn't making any money. He said he ended up saving 8 grand and put that down on a car. He said he put that on an X-car. He said that was the worst thing. He said that they gave him a car that would spin out when you hit the brakes.
Howard said he got fired from NBC and he had no job at 30. Howard said this guy thinks it was easy. There was nothing easy about it. Howard said he figured he was finished in life. Robin said they were taking the subway to work. Howard said people thought they were big stars but they were on the subway. Howard said then Mel Karmazin hired him. He said Mel knew he could sell the show.
Howard said that was such a nightmare. He said that was not fun but now all of these guys are doing what he did. He said they're all imitators.
In the clip Howard was talking about how he tried bowling last night. He told Robin about the rules they have for letting the other lane go first and not at the same time. Howard said they'll give you dirty looks if you do it wrong. Howard said he didn't know there was a bowling courtesy. Robin said it is funny how they'll get mad. She said they'll just stare at you.
Howard said he got his bowling shoes for like 70 cents. Howard said that's a good deal. Howard said he got himself a pair of bowling shoes and had to give his driver's license to make sure he didn't steal them. Howard said it's embarrassing to wear shoes with the size written on the back.
Howard said he was never into any girls who were into bowling. He and Robin spent a couple of minutes on that and then wrapped up.
In the clip Howard had Gary tell the story about this buzzer they had in the store he worked at to warn other employees about black people coming in so they could keep an eye on them to make sure they didn't steal. Gary gave Howard the details about the buzzer and the special codes they had for them.
Gary said he was a stock boy but he was also ''security'' and he'd have to go to the front of the store to keep an eye on the people that came in the store.
Gary said they had codes with the buzz too. He said that one buzz was a couple of black people. Two buzzes was for a group of black people and then 3 buzzes was ''call the cops.'' Gary said that it was very obvious what was going on and the customers would look at him like there was nothing he could do if he wanted to. Gary said there was one guy who would follow them so close that it was like they were intimidating them to leave.
In the clip Howard said he dug up an old letter he wrote to Dear Abby that got published. Howard read the letter and it was about the death of a woman's husband and how lonely she was. Howard said they had help writing this letter too. Howard read through it and the woman was complaining about how lonely she is and how no one is there for her. Howard said they made up a name for her but they signed it differently. Howard said their letter was no laughing matter. He said they picked a theme and made it real heart wrenching.
Howard said they got an Ann Landers letter published too. Howard said you compliment her on her past column and she'll put the old one in and your letter. Howard said that she actually thanked them for the letter they sent. Howard said you can have some fun doing that. He said it's kind of cool to see your own letter published even if they change the name.
Kidd Chris Comes In. 08/09/04. 9:05am
After the break Howard was talking about the Corina Taylor E! show that's on tonight. They do a lie detector test with her father so Artie was doing his impression of Ed Torian the lie detector guy. Howard then introduced Kidd Chris who was sitting in for Robin's news. Howard said he's like the only friend he has in the radio business. Kidd has his own show but he's on vacation at this point. Howard talked to Chris about his radio show and how that's going. Chris told Howard how they don't even see the ratings for his show anymore because Infinity doesn't deal with the ratings company they used to work with.
Ralph called in to talk about the Miss Teen USA pageant that he watched over the weekend. He told Howard about how they had all of the girls in a water park getting hosed down. They were 16-18 years old according to Ralph. He said they get them all in evening gowns and then into bikinis. Ralph said that they all looked hot too. He wasn't sure what the difference between that and kiddie porn was. He said he didn't pleasure himself to it but he did get worked up over them. Ralph said he wrote down the one he thought was the hottest in a bikini and she was the one who ended up winning the whole contest.
Howard played some clips from the Miss Teen USA pageant. One girl talked about her brother ''putting his line on the life'' for her because he's in the military. Ralph said that some of the girls sounded really dumb on the show and that must have been one of them. Howard then played the clip of President Bush making a dumb comment that he played earlier in the morning. There were more clips that Howard had of the girls screwing up their lines as they're talking. One girl screwed up ''The Great Gatsby'' by saying ''Gapsby.'' Another girl was asked what she would do if she were President. The girl said that she would get together with the FDA and try to ban fast food restaurants because she's addicted to French fries. That got some laughs out of Artie and Kidd Chris.
Howard played another clip from the Miss Teen USA pageant. This girl was asked about people's futures and if they think it's choice or chance that determines your future. She said something about it being choice and if you make bad decisions, that's how your life will go.
Kidd Chris had a really hot girlfriend that he dumped so Howard talked about that for a short time. Chris said that she actually danced with Robin's Mr. X at one party they were at. Chris ended up dumping her at the party for some reason. Chris said that she disappeared at one point during the party and he thought that she had left him. He left because he thought she had left. Gary came in and said that they looked for Chris for about 45 minutes and couldn't find him. The woman started crying because she didn't have any money herself. Chris had flown her in and was taking care of her so she didn't have any money with her. Chris said that when he got back to the hotel room she was already there and she really didn't get mad at him.
KC came in and said he heard a story about Kidd Chris throwing up in front of his mother one day after he'd gotten really drunk the night before. Artie said he has done stuff like that himself. Howard played Kidd Chris' ''Sulu Dance'' song parody that they play often on the show. Kidd said that the song refuses to go away. He told the guys how they came up with the whole song and got George Takei to say some of the lines that were included in the song. Ralph and Howard were driving somewhere with Beth in the car and were singing the song and talking like George Takei. She thought they were nuts and had no idea what they were doing.
Howard offered to give Chris a bunch of his old interviews with Takei if he wanted to chop them up and use them. Gary came in and said that they wanted him to be part of their football pool but Takei was afraid that they would make fun of him for being Asian. Kidd Chris said that it's the way he talks that's funny and he's a really cool guy. Artie was doing his impression of Takei pointing out that it's not the Asian part of him that's funny, it's the funny way he speaks.
Howard told Chris that Richard Christy took some of George Takei's book on tape and created a bit around that. Richard came in and said he'd try to find the bit. Chris hadn't heard that yet.
Howard said he got a call over the weekend from Pam Anderson who was looking to talk to Ralph. She was asking him to talk to Howard about promoting her book so it can move up to number 1. Ralph said he talked to her about a few other things and was invited out to her house for a party out there.
Howard played the bit that Richard Christy put together using clips from George Takei's book on tape. He made it sound like he was talking about a date he had with Fred. Howard and Chris think that they should create a reality show around Takei because it would be fascinating. Howard had to take a break after that.
In the clip Robin was reading about the Yankees and how they might be moving the team to another area. Howard said they should move. He said he wouldn't go see them no matter where they were but they should get them out of the Bronx. That led to Howard and Robin talking about some of the nuts that go to games and get all dressed up.
Howard said of course George Steinbrenner wants to get out of the Bronx. He said that it's like going to see a game and going to Africa to see it. Howard said it's like being on safari. He said that it's just uncivilized there. Howard said you sit next to some skuzball and he gets a few beers in him and the game is in the seats after that. Howard said on any given seat there's action.
Robin said they may be losing the Yankees. Howard said that's fine. He said then the natives can take over the stadium. He said they'll have vines over it and if you fall in you'll never be seen again.
Stuttering John said his mother's car we keyed at the parking garage down there at Yankee stadium. He said his mother is handicapped so she needs handicapped parking. He said it was the parking attendant that keyed her car. Howard asked what was wrong with his mother that she's handicapped. John said she had an operation on her feet and the guy screwed it up. John said they put a note on her car saying ''f-you'' and things like that after they keyed the car.
Howard asked John if his dad is still turned on by his mom. John said he really doesn't know. Howard said he wouldn't even go to see a game if his feet were hobbled like his mom's. John said he would hate to see the team move out of the state. Howard said he could care less. John said he'd hate it. John said the parking there is awful. Jackie said it really is bad.
Howard asked what her feet look like. John said they're as hard as a rock. He said she actually wears those wooden shoes from Denmark. Howard asked what's harder, her shoes or John's head. John said they're about the same.
In the clip Howard was talking to Jackie about his wife Nancy saying that she's a Ford model now. Howard said she's cute but she's no Ford model. Jackie said she's in their computer system and she's gotten some work. Howard said she's a good looking woman but not a Ford model.
Howard asked how they found Nancy. Jackie said she was in a commercial that they saw her in. Howard asked to see that commercial. Howard said you should have seen the scene yesterday with Nancy. She was at the Ford modeling agency and she was saying she was in their computer. Howard said she never said she was a model. She's just in their computer. Howard said that doesn't mean anything.
Howard said that they think she's going to be in commercials and stuff and that's just not going to happen. Jackie wanted to bet Howard that she'd get into a TV commercial. Robin said she'll never be able to do any movies or anything because Jackie won't let her.
One of the interns told Howard that Nancy just called in and she sounds really mad. Howard gave her a call to find out what her problem is. Nancy was on the line and she said she's calling in to defend herself. She asked what the hell is going on. Howard asked why she has to defend herself.
Nancy said she's not going to be a model. She said she's just pursuing an acting career. She said she's only 30. Howard said he thinks she'll do great. Howard asked what she's so angry about. Howard said she's too old to start a modeling career but she's beautiful and she can do the acting thing.
Howard said Nancy reads things wrong. He said she has a better chance at 30 than Jackie does at 40. Nancy said that's not true. Howard said he thinks she could become a very famous actress. Howard said she won't take any roles like the Fatal Attraction role. Nancy said when you take a role like that you can get stereotyped. Nancy said that can't be her first role. Howard was laughing at her as she was going through this. Nancy said that she didn't say she wouldn't do nudity. Howard said he knows she would do it in seconds. Nancy said she doesn't think they're being fair.
Howard asked Nancy to go listen to another station. He said that they're just doing bits there. Nancy asked if he just called her a bitch. Howard said he said ''bits.'' They wrapped up with her a short time later.
Ryan Meets His Idol... Gary? 08/09/05. 9:05am
Howard said they have this guy there who wants to meet Gary and they're going to have Captain Sack (Sal) come in and do some weird stuff to him so he can win the chance to meet Gary. Ryan came in and said that he's been listening to the show since he was 13 and he's now 20. He'd like to become a producer some day and he's willing to do anything to meet him. Ryan even looks a little bit like Gary according to Howard. The guy was ready to do anything so Howard had Sal come in as Captain Sack and Richard came in as Commander Crack. He was going to pour milk down his ass crack into a cereal bowl. Sal would then add the cereal and dip his nuts in them before Ryan eats the cereal. The delay was hit for some reason while Commander Crack was talking about the milk thing. Howard had Sal go ahead and pour the milk down Richard's back into a bowl. Captain Sack then added the cereal and squatted down and dipped his nuts in the cereal. They had Ryan get down on his knees so he could eat the cereal but Howard didn't want him to do it. He said he had gone far enough and wanted to just let him meet Gary. Howard told Captain Sack to go away because it was too disgusting. Sal wanted him to do it so he gave him a spoon and he ate a bite. Sal then asked Artie if he wanted a bite. Howard told him to stop but Ryan had already eaten a bite.
Gary came in and said he felt bad because he's not that exciting to meet. Ryan said he's wanted to meet Gary for a long time now so it was an honor to meet him. He said that he just graduated from a broadcasting program and he is producing a show for a local channel. They actually had Kevin Spacey on the show he produces so Howard said that he might have to hire him because Gary can't make that happen. Ryan was thrilled to be there and could barely contain himself. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked Captain Sack and Commander Crack for coming in. Howard told Gary that maybe he could give Ryan a tour of the station or something while he was there. He also gave Ryan a $500 prize courtesy of the movie ''Red Eye.'' He wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
In the clip Howard asked Gary where his stuff was. He told Robin he's so stupid because he asked him to put the stuff right there for him. Howard had Gary come in and sit down so he could talk to him about that. Howard asked Gary where he asked him to put it. Gary said he thought he said put it to the side. Howard said it must be his own fault then. Howard said he knows what he told him to do with the stuff. He said Gary always has an excuse.
Howard said all he wanted to do was read the letters. Gary said there is only one letter. Howard told Gary to repeat after him. Gary walked out. Howard told him to get in there and repeat after him. Gary came back in and repeated ''I get stupider every day and today is like next week.''
Howard let Gary leave but continued to complain about his screw up. Howard said he doesn't get to stuff because he doesn't see it.
Howard read a letter they got about the spanking they did the other day. Howard said this woman wrote about how she was upset about something they ''broadcasted'' last week. Howard read the woman's complaint and how insulting it was to spank someone the way he did. She couldn't believe it was being broadcast. The writer wondered why Robin wasn't upset about it. She said that she won't be listening to the show again after hearing that. Howard wondered how she could hear the show because she's in Virginia. Howard said that's like the one listener that can hear the show down there.
Howard said he could call this woman, Carol, because she did leave her number. Howard said the woman who came in wanted to be spanked. It was her idea. Howard said he enjoyed it and the woman who got spanked enjoyed it too. Howard said he is just a pawn in this situation. Howard said it was funny to see too.
Howard said they're going to rip into her now. Howard dialed her number and got her on the line. Howard asked her to come on the air. She agreed. Howard said this is Carol who wrote the letter.
Howard asked the woman if she was a regular fan of the show. She said it was occasional. Howard asked what her objection was to the spanking. Carol said her objection was the conversation that came after the spanking. She said she found it very tasteless. She said that Howard was talking about her being naked and seeing her breasts. She said it was like he was treating her like an object. Howard asked if he could respond now. Carol said that's fine.
Howard said Robin isn't laughing with that inane laugh that Carol described. Howard corrected Carol on that ''broadcasted'' mistake she made in her letter. Then he told Carol that the woman came in and wanted to get naked and get spanked. Howard said she asked him if he wanted to spank her. Howard said he was shocked that she wanted him to do that but he agreed to do it. Howard said she must get some kind of sexual pleasure from doing that. Carol asked if this goes on with the show often. Howard said even if it did she critiqued him for insulting the woman. Howard said it's not degrading or insulting because she wanted it. Howard said she's a consenting adult.
Carol said considering the fact that she came in and asked for it then maybe Howard shouldn't have dragged it out as long as he did. Howard asked how long she thinks it went on. Carol said it just went on and on and on. She said maybe it shouldn't have gotten started at all.
Howard asked how long she's been listening to the show. She said it was just a couple of times. Howard said he has four hours a day to kill in his miserable life. Carol said she doesn't believe that it's a terrible life. Howard said his life is one big misery. Robin said this woman thinks there is a time limit for how long to drag something out. Howard said maybe it wasn't long enough for some people. Carol said that she thinks he needs to know what other people think. She said she couldn't believe that it was going on. Howard said she wrote a letter about it and wonders why he did it. Howard said it got her to listen to the whole thing.
Carol said that she didn't listen to the whole thing. She said when she got to where she was going she turned it off. Howard said he is a genius because that's what his job is. He keeps people listening on their way to work in the morning.
Howard said he thinks that he pleased this woman by keeping her listening. Carol said she wasn't pleased. She said that Howard doesn't know what he's talking about. Carol said she didn't want this dragged out on the air.
Howard said he bets that she had a great time with her husband that night. Carol said she's not going to answer any questions like that. Howard said it must have gotten her excited in some way. Carol said it disgusted her. Howard said he thinks it fulfilled some kind of fantasy. Carol said it did not. Howard said he thinks it was subliminal. Howard said he has a doctorate in psychology and he thinks that she was excited about it in some way. Carol said that's crazy. Howard said he knows it sounds that way but he thinks that it's deep rooted in her and anyone would be afraid to admit that. Carol said she had enough and hung up a short time later.
Howard and Robin spent a little more time talking about the call and how it was just too much for her. Jackie said he thinks that she was getting turned on again and that's why she had to hang up. Howard said he thinks that she gets turned on by a man talking to her on the phone. Howard said they should all get nude just for her. Howard said Robin is going to put him over her knee and take his temperature.
Howard said he had some audio of him getting angry at another woman last week. He said this runs for about 7-8 minutes.
Howard played the clip and in it he said he had another woman on the phone to yell at them. He said he's not sure he has the patience to listen to this though. Howard took the call and the woman said that her radio was ''accidentally'' tuned into Howard's show and she didn't like that he was making fun of breast cancer. Howard asked what he said that disturbed her so much. She said that Howard was talking to Ed McMahon and told him not to get too used to those breasts. Howard said that guys are scum and they're all into physical beauty. Howard said they care about what a woman looks like and that was the point of the conversation. Howard told her to use her brains when she listens. Howard went off on her saying that she doesn't get what they were talking about.
Howard asked the caller about why she listened to the show. She said it was on the radio and she wanted to see how far he would go. Howard said she could have just turned it off. She said she wanted to see how low he could get. Howard said she's so thick skulled and she's raising children. The woman told Howard that he has the physical handicap. Howard said she has the mental handicap. Howard told her to check the dial next time and don't listen. Howard said she's not even smart enough to listen to the radio. He said her sense of humor has cancer. She said that she's not sure how they let him on the air at all. She said Howard is a sick person and he couldn't even shine Ed McMahon's shoes. Howard asked if she knows how many times Ed has been married. She asked what the hell that has to do with anything. Howard said it has to do with morality.
Howard told the caller she's an idiot. He said he explained to her what he was doing and she couldn't just turn off the radio. Howard said he bets she's not even married anymore. Howard said he thinks her son wishes that he was his father. Howard said he's had it with her. The caller said that nothing could change his looks and he has to go through life like that. The caller said that she knows what Howard does on the show so Howard pointed out that she must be lying about how much she listens. She said her son tells her about the show. Howard said he's glad he filled her empty life with her son. He helped bring them together with the show.
Howard said that he's sick of women like this. He said her arguing is so bad and she's just not with it. Howard said she claims her son told her all of this stuff but she's the one listening. Howard continued going off on the woman and told her to go spread her legs for that treat she calls her husband. She said she has no problem looking in the mirror at herself. Howard called her a pig slut as he was hanging up on her. Howard said she's a slimy c-word. He said he wanted to use that C-word so bad. Howard said no man could live with that. He said it's impossible.
Howard and Robin spent a little more time talking about that woman and her idiotic arguments. Howard said it's funny that she's complaining about the breast cancer thing but she's all consumed with looks herself.
George Takei Captains A Ferry, Gets His Sunday BJ. 08/09/10. 6:25am
Howard said he checked out ''Resident Evil'' and he hated the first half. Then in the second half he loved the zombie part. He said that Steve Brandano gave him the movie to watch. He said he hasn't seen the second one yet. He wanted Mila Jovovich to be naked in the movie though. He said at the end she's nude under a sheet so that was kind of hot. Robin said she didn't remember that.
George said he had an interesting day yesterday. He asked if they know what a wheelhouse is. Howard said that sounds like something gay. George said he went on the ferry and got to ride in the wheelhouse of the ferry on his way to Ellis Island. He said he was the Emcee for a special trip. He said they had a special ferry for them but they let him get in the regular ferry and got to see how they pilot the ship. He said he was in a white suit and he got to drive the ferry to Ellis Island and back.
Howard said if he saw George driving he'd go nuts. George said that it was Captain Bill Lynch who let him drive this ship. Howard said that's funny that they let him do that. He said it's remarkable he has the energy he has to do things like that. He said that many people his age are in wheelchairs.
Howard said they probably just told George that he had control of the ship. He said that they probably gave him a fake wheel to turn. He said George really does have a lot of energy and that was probably just part of his day. George said they went for a walk in Central Park after that. He said they didn't have any theater shows last night either. He said he was in bed by 9:45 or so and got up at 4:15.
Howard asked George what he did yesterday other than the ferry thing. He wanted to know his whole day. He knows it was Sunday so that's the day that Brad will blow him. George was trying to keep the details to a minimum on that. He said he's been too revealing on this show.
Howard said George must know that he has a time limit so he has to get to this blow job thing. George said that it is on a time limit. He said that Brad is very passionate though. Howard said it must suck when Brad doesn't want to be doing something like that. George said he has had things in the past where guys have woken him up doing that. He said that would be nice to get from Brad. Howard said he understands that. He said he gets that he loves Brad but there are other guys who were so into him that they woke him up with a blow job.
George said Brad is wonderful. Howard said he could ask him to just do it without asking though. He said that it must be kind of infuriating. George said that this is just the way they do things and it's nice. George said that things are fine. Howard said he's trying to help and he thinks that he should tell Brad that he wants to feel desirable. George said that Brad wakes him up with green tea during the week and it's very nice.
Howard said it sounds like Brad doesn't want to be doing that stuff. George said things start slowing down as you get older. He said that Howard will find this out eventually. George said he was driven by sex when he was young. He said now he's not that intense. Robin asked what drives him now. George told her to mind her own business ''straight woman.'' He laughed as he told her that.
Howard asked George if Brad would ever do anything without him asking about it. George said he can try that next Sunday. He said that Brad needs it just as much as he does. He said that they have gotten into this ritual and that's what they stick to. Howard asked if they ever do a 69 thing. George said they don't. He said that Brad will do him and then he'll do Brad. He said he's still in the mood to do that even after he's done. Howard said he wouldn't want to do that after he has blown his load. George said it's just as exciting for him to do Brad before or after he's finished.
Howard asked George if they showered first. George said they did. He said they wrestled before doing that too. He said he likes the ''musculature'' thing before. Howard asked if there is some kind of argument or role playing before that. George said that there isn't any arguing.
Howard asked George if he's done wrestling with other guys. George said he had done that in the past. He said they do a lot of feeling of muscles and things during the wrestling. He said they don't come out scratched or anything like that. They have to protect their testicles though. He said that not all gay people do this, this is just their thing.
Howard asked who ends up on top usually. George said it's give and take and it's not about taking the other man. He said Brad is bigger than he is. Howard said that's because he's gained weight. George just said yes and didn't want to get into that discussion again. Howard said that if they both went all out, who would win? George said he doesn't know. Howard said George seems like the more powerful of the two. George said that there are people who want to take him on in Jujitsu when he says he knows it. He said he tries not to brag about that.
Howard asked if he ever blows brad first. George said this is very early to be talking about this. Howard asked if he ever blows brad first. George said no. Howard said he should try it sometime and see if Brad is still into it after he's finished.
Howard asked George how long Brad has to spend blowing him. George said that it can take a long time. He said that the older he gets the longer it can take. Howard said he hasn't slowed down at all yet. Howard said Brad must have to ice his jaw after doing George. George said that it might be 5 minutes or so. Howard said that it might not be too bad then. George said it can be 7 or 8 at times but sometimes less than 5 minutes.
Robin asked if there is swallowing on all sides. George said that sometimes there is. Howard said that Robin doesn't swallow. Robin said that's a commitment. Howard said that must be Robin's way of saying that she'd do it if she was in a committed relationship. Robin said that it's not the most tasty thing on the planet. Howard asked if a guy should warn ahead of time. Robin said that is protocol so they should.
Howard said that he'd have an air horn if he was gay just to let the guy know he was about to finish. George said that this was becoming the ''Gayest Week Ever'' with all of this talk.
Howard said that he can see Brad and George hitting this wall where he is only doing this stuff on a Sunday. He asked if he put him in a room with Brad Pitt and George Clooney then he'd be doing it more than just once a week. George said that might be true.
Howard asked George if he's been doing any Star Trek stuff. George said he was out in Las Vegas recently. He's going to be in Parsippany, New Jersey doing another event. He told Howard who shows up to those events. He said that he saw Bill Shatner out in Las Vegas but they had no interaction.
Howard asked why he doesn't speak to Bill. He said he must have seen the other guys. George said he saw a few of the others who were there. George said that there are hordes of people there so they usher them right out of there.
George said that he goes up and talks about the things he's been up to. He said he does like 8 minutes and then takes questions from the fans. George told Howard that he knows of 4th generation Star Trek fans. He said that he had met some people who raised their kids on Star Trek and their kids, kids have been raised on it.
Howard asked George how long he's at these conventions. George said it's an all day thing. He said he doesn't think that Shatner does the photographs that the others do. He said that they do meet some people for breakfast and do things like that. He said that some of the people are in uniform but others are not. He said they come from all over the world too. He said that these fans are the ones who made Star Trek the phenomenon it is. He said they pay $100 to have breakfast with them. George said they make a fortune with these events. They have 15,000 people who show up to these things. They have a company called Creation Conventions and they put the shows on. He said that this one will be at the Hilton in Parsippany this coming weekend. He said he has a full day there.
Howard said they have an interview from a Star Trek convention to play. It was an old clip that they'd played before. In the clip Richard was asking a guy about the gear he had on and things like that. Howard said this poor guy was getting his balls busted over this stuff. That led to George talking about how he has a cologne out and they pay him a few bucks for using his likeness on that.
Howard played more of the audio of Richard interviewing the guy. The guy was talking about his favorite character, Data, and Jon Luc Picard when he says ''Engage.'' Richard kept asking the guy what he was saying and had the guy repeating ''Engage'' over and over again. The guy said it about 20 times. Richard asked him to say it with more power and really get into the character.
George said that the guys who come to these conventions come from all walks of life. He said they even have dentists who come. He said those are the guys who can afford to have their offices decorated like the deck of the Enterprise.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he had anything to do with Ellen being fired. Howard said she did herself in. Howard said he already talked about it earlier. The caller said that Howard did pick up the phone so he figured he'd ask.
Howard said they'll be hearing more from George Takei all week long since he's sitting in. He said they have new song parodies for him too. He played one that was to the tune of ''Purple Haze'' but it was ''Purple Wang.'' Howard said that was courtesy of Dan the Song Parody Man. They went to break after that.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who said that his mom caught him pleasuring himself. Howard caught his strange speech pattern and goofed on that a little bit. Howard talked to him for another minute or two and said he might be the biggest moron he's ever spoken to. The guy didn't know the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Howard said he probably studied psychology. The caller said he lied about going to college. He actually works in a record store in a mall.
The caller said his mom and dad caught him masturbating twice. He said he was in his room and his dad stormed in. He said his ass was facing the door when he was caught. He said the lights were on and he was nude on top of his bed. Howard asked if he uses tissues. the caller said he uses his hand or whatever. Howard said he's disgusting.
Howard asked what he does when he's finished. The guy said he goes to the bathroom and washes up. Howard said it sounds like he wants to be caught. The caller said he doesn't. Howard said you're supposed to hide when you do that. Howard said this guy is 24 and he's naked in his room pleasuring himself. The caller said it was years ago.
The caller said he got caught a second time and he was doing his pillow at the time. Howard asked if he's a girl using a pillow. Howard said he knew a guy like that once. The caller said he was laying on the floor on his belly. Howard said no man does that. He said girls do that.
Howard said he does it with his hand and he does it like a man. The caller said his mom said she didn't see anything when she caught him. Howard asked the guy some questions about his mother and figured he was really stupid. He asked if she was foreign and he said ''no, she's Mexican.''
Howard asked if the caller's mom was hot. The guy said she is. She's like 45. Howard said maybe she can help him out next time. Howard asked if he's attracted to her. He said he was once. He said he was stoned at the time.
The caller said he had to jumping jacks once and he got a boner when a girl was there. He said the gym teacher told him to stop doing them. He knew he was caught after that. The caller asked if he could send him something. Jackie said ''...a brain!?'' and cracked up.
In the clip Howard was asking about Robin's cast on her leg and when it was going to come off. Howard told her how gross it was going to be when they take it off. Howard said he had torn ligaments in his ankle when he was a kid and his mom wouldn't let him wear a cast. She wanted him to heal naturally. Howard said she took his temperature anally too. Howard said his mother is into nature and everything and she didn't think he needed that cast. Howard said he wasn't able to use Novocaine until he was 19 years old. Howard said his dentist told him that it wasn't bad for him like his mom told him.
Robin asked if man isn't supposed to come up with ways to make things easier. Howard said Robin has to ask his mother about that. He said that she would bring aspirin and tomato juice before getting her teeth done. Howard said he's never seen a kookier woman. Howard said he wasn't even allowed to take aspirin. Howard said this is what he had to go through as a kid.
Tom Chiusano came in so Howard went off on him for ruining the bit. Tom said he had to see Gary. Howard asked what he has to see Gary about. Tom said he has a TV show he's working on with him. He was joking. Tom said he wasn't trying to get his attention. Gary said it probably has something to do with Best Of. Howard said if it does then don't bother tuning in while he's on vacation.
Howard said Tom just busts open the door and takes Gary out. Howard said now he's forgotten what he was talking about. Robin said he was talking about having his temperature taken anally at 13. Howard asked who is worse than their mothers.
Howard said he remembers this happening when he was 13 years old. He said he was starting to go through puberty. Howard said he looked kind of like Madonna down there. Howard said they could have turned him homosexual by doing that. Howard said he hated having women around because it was confusing to him. He said he was confused sexually.
Howard said he remembers coming home from school with a fever. He said his mom had to know exactly what it was so she'd take it anally. Howard said she just had to take it that way. He said he's not sure what the problem was if it was off a degree if he had taken it orally. Howard said it's always going to be higher rectally since it's warmer in there. Robin said it's always warmer down there than it is orally. Howard said you just add a degree to the oral temperature then.
Howard said his mom would make him wear these awful pants. He said they were polyester and they were ugly with an ugly belt. Howard said he had blue pants with a brown belt. He said she wanted to make sure he never got laid. Howard said she didn't want any women noticing him. He wrapped up a short time later.
Ashley's First Words, Howard Takes Phone Calls. 08/09/1993. 6:25am
Howard went through a few more phone calls after that. One guy said that the guy who plays the announcer dude on the Garry Shandling show is a Scientologist. Howard said he's not sure he can goof on his fellow actor. He said that the Scientology thing is kind of goofy though. The caller said that he's a Scientologist himself so Howard ended up asking him how he can believe in that stuff. The guy said that it's more of a philosophy than a religion. He said that it's all about believing that you can help yourself.
Howard talked to the caller and said that he might have to try and get him out of this brain washing. The caller doesn't think he was brainwashed. He said that he was born into it so it wasn't something that someone talked him into. He said that it was his choice to go with it even though he was born into it.
Howard talked to the guy about the E-meter that Scientologists use to pick up the electrical flows that you have running through your body. Robin said it's like a lie detector test. The caller said it could be considered that with some people. They talked to the caller about all of that stuff for a few minutes and Howard told him that he'd be lucky if he was swept up by some other cult. He said that he's already primed and pumped for that kind of stuff. He said that he doesn't have any kind of mental freedom.
The caller asked Howard if he's going to a psychiatrist. Howard said he's going to start next week. The caller said that if he's going to try that, why not try Scientology. Howard said he doesn't want to pray to L. Ron Hubbard so he won't be trying it. The caller thinks that it could help Howard but he really doesn't want anything to do with it. Howard said that Psychiatry is fine with him.
Howard said he'd like to have this guy in so he can try to deprogram him. The caller asked if he wanted him to stop by sometime but Howard kind of blew him off and went to break a short time later.
Various Stuff. 8/9/01. 6:05am
There's this intern Steve on the show who is willing to do anything to meet Tara Reid when she came in later in the morning. He said he'd be willing to lick the bottom of her shoes just to meet her. Howard told the guy that she'll just be disgusted by him if he does something like that and tried to explain to him that he'll never be able to get an actress like that. Howard told him that if Steve lets KC ''golden shower'' his hand then he'll let him meet Tara. KC said he wasn't sure he could do that to the guy though. Howard said they'd do it later in the show.
Howard saw that someone from the NY Post got pictures of Mariah Carey in her pajamas just a day after she got out of the hospital. Howard is disgusted by these guys who sneak around taking pictures like that. He thinks it's very unfair to celebrities like that who are having problems and trying to stay out of the public eye for a while.
A listener brought up the Gary Busey E! show from the other day and the guy was impressed with the way Howard handled Busey by putting him in a head lock. Baba Booey came in and said that Howard has changed over the years and has gotten more confident with his strength. In the past he would have run off like a little girl if something like that had happened. Howard said he knows he would still get beat up by someone who put up a real fight though. He still knows he's a big pussy about stuff like that and he's willing to admit it.
''American Pie 2'' Stars Tara Reid, Alyson Hannigan And Natasha Lyonne. 8/9/01. 7:00am
Earlier in the show Steve the Intern said he'd be willing to do anything to meet Tara Reid. Howard made him get his hand peed on by KC and he actually did it. Steve came in and read a really bizarre poem he'd written for Tara which sounded like it was a comedy bit instead of a serious poem. Howard got to watch KC pissing on Steve's hand because the E! guys actually got it on tape. They all laughed hysterically as they watched that on the monitor. Howard only spent about a half hour or so with the girls before wrapping up the interview.
Jackie's Phone Calls After The Show. 08/09/1993. 7:25am
Howard came back from break and said that Gary had a plot line for him to use on the Garry Shandling show. He had him come in after giving Jackie some plugs for some shows he had coming up. He ended up doing an impression of Jackie talking about how great his shows go when he does stuff in other areas. Howard said he goes past Jackie's little room there where he does his business and hears him telling Nancy what to give to people.
Gary said that he heard a great line when he walked past the other day. He said that he heard Jackie telling someone not to get used to the price he was getting for something he was ordering. Howard said that Stuttering John hears stuff that Jackie talks about so he asked him to come in too.
Howard said that Jackie is always talking business with people in that room. He said that they're always making deals and stuff. Gary told Howard that John was in the bathroom again. He said he must be sick today and he's been in there a few times this morning already.
Howard Shaving His Butt Hair. 08/09/1993. 7:30am
Howard said that he's been shaving his buttocks lately and he feels so free now that he doesn't have hair back there. Gary said he doesn't get that because the stuff that gets caught is pretty deep down. Howard explained how he has an electric buzzer to shave the hair down there. He said he puts a towel down to do this. He hates body hair and even clips down his underarm hair. Gary doesn't do that and said that he just puts his deodorant over the hair. Fred and Jackie don't have to shave down so much because they're not all that hairy.
Howard explained how he puts a towel down on the floor, puts one leg up on the counter and spreads so he can get to the hair down there. He said that they're pretty course hairs too and they've literally been dumped on before. He said that he used to have a mess down there when he had hair down there. Now he's so clean and neat back there. It's a straight shot and nothing lingers back there. He said that he gets aroused during the process too. He said that he finds himself doing it at least once a week.
Howard said there's nothing wrong with doing that stuff even if people think it's kind of gay. He makes sure that he locks both the bathroom door and his bedroom door to make sure the kids don't walk in on him shaving his butt hair.
Stuttering John Sick After Weekend Of Drinking. 08/09/1993. 7:35am
Howard asked where Stuttering John was. Gary figured he was still in the bathroom but John came walking in a short time later. He said that he was in pain and he must have ''ate a lot of liquids.'' He said he drank over the weekend when he went to a wedding and that's what was coming out of him. Howard told him he looked bad too. He said that John looks like he's still on the bowl and looked like he was really out of it. He looked like he was going to puke so Howard told Gary to breathe on him.
Tom Chiusano came in and tried to change the subject by bringing up his son. Howard said that he must be out of his mind. He was trying to get Howard off of that stuff. (There was an edited out commercial break at this time.)
Howard said that it's a nightmare working there and he shouldn't have come in today. He went on to ask John more about this bathroom thing and said he can't believe that Tom came in and tried to change the subject. He said that these people who don't work for a living have no idea what it's like to do a show. He said that he really hates this guy Tom. He said he had to call him to ask for this Friday off and he was puking while he was talking to him.
Howard said that someone needs to have a long talk with Tom and tell him to stop with that stuff because he's going to leave if he doesn't knock it off. He went off on Tom goofing on him for a few minutes. He said that if he left the station today, the station would still run the same as it does. He said that it's a complete waste of money to have a General Manager there. Howard said that Tom is the ashtray in a car, you can remove it and it still runs the same.
Howard asked John where he went drinking this weekend. John explained how he was out with his girlfriend and he was doing some stuff with her. He had to meet her grandparents over the weekend so Howard asked him if they were laughing at him. John said that he hopes not. He was all made up nice in a tux and with his hair slicked back. John said that they were trying to get him to cut his hair before the wedding because her family doesn't like that he has long hair. Howard told him it might be time to break up with her if that's the way things are.
John said that he's not allowed in his girlfriend's parents house unless he puts his hair in a pony tail. Howard said he kind of digs the look but he guesses that he'd be kind of upset if he saw someone like John dating his daughter. He said he wouldn't allow his kids to have guys over to the house.
John was talking about how he's going to have a problem if he marries this chick because she's Jewish and he's catholic. He said that he just wants to have the kid baptized and then let her raise it Jewish if she wants. Howard said that this is how brainwashed people are, they want to have their kids baptized thinking that it's going to help them get into this heaven thing when they die. John said that the church puts that fear into you when you're young and you can't get over it.
John said that he's in a little bit of pain after taking that dump earlier. Howard said that's why he won't drink, he doesn't want to deal with stuff like that. John told him that the bathroom definitely stinks back there. He said he's heard that the girl's bathroom stinks sometimes too so it's not just the guys who do that. Robin agreed with that and said she's not sure who does that.
Gary said that there's a guy there that goes about 8 times a day and he's always in there. Howard said he knows who that is, he used to carry an air freshener in a holster. John said that his hair is so long that he has to be careful sitting on the toilet because they can dip down in.
Gary said that John has been out house hunting with Karen. Howard was surprised to hear that and asked how he has so much money. John had a record deal and got some money from that. He also claims that he made some good investments. John said he's planning on putting down 40 percent on a house. Howard said that makes no sense and he should have a bigger mortgage instead. John didn't want to talk about it on the air and said that he'd rather tell him off the air. He doesn't want to have a ton of debt if he does buy a house so he'd rather pay it off up front.
John talked about how his girlfriend refuses to shop at JC Penny and will only go to Macy's. Robin said that she's heard that she will throw stuff back at him if he doesn't give her something expensive enough. Howard told John he was nuts for wanting to get married so young. John said that he's gotten it out of his system already so he's ready to get married. Howard told him he's going to regret it because in 20 years he's going to wonder why he got married and didn't keep banging chicks. He told John that the reason he's going to go to the shrink is because of that kind of stuff.
John said that he wants to have kids too so that's why he'd like to get married. Robin said that John is going to be a father and that's nuts. John said he thinks he'd be a good parent. Howard laughed when he heard that.
Howard said he had to go to break but Gary hadn't given him his show idea for the Garry Shandling show. Gary said that he had this idea for them to try and figure out how to control him on the show but Howard ends up going nuts and ruining the show. Howard said that's kind of what he was thinking but in a different way. Howard said that he'd like to see the part so he can run his lines with the guys. He had to go to break a short time later.
Various Audio Clips, Prank Calls And More. 08/09/10. 9:30am
After the break we heard a prank call the guys made to some guys using Mel Gibson voice mail clips. Fred also played Flo Rida's ''Low'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and had Fred play some George Takei song parodies. He played ''Teenage Mexicans'' again. Howard joked that they're playing it in Canada. Howard played another one which was ''I Love Your Black Wang'' to ''I Don't like Mondays.''
Howard had George do a quick announce for them. George talked about how he wanted to play Robin in a Private Parts movie sequel if there ever is one.
Howard said George might have to do the coffee in the ass scenes for them. Howard told George to pull his pants down and they'll see how much coffee he can take in there. George just laughed. Howard played the ''Purple Wang'' song parody again.
Howard said they had some audio of Scott DePace being chased by a gopher on the golf course. He listened to the audio of that and then watched the quick video that they had. Howard said that should end up on Howard TV.
Howard said he had a lot of audio clips to play and a lot of stuff to discuss. He ended up playing a clip of Larry King talking to a fan about what to do if they wanted to get into the same field that he's in. It was an old radio show clip. Larry didn't have all that much advice for the guy.
Howard said that was from when Larry had his own radio show. He said they had him in the top 3 radio guys. George said it was boring.
Howard said that Richard and Sal have been calling Traido shows again. He played their latest call where Sal asks the host if it's tough to get the jizz stains out of his moustache. Then Richard calls in and brings up the jizz in the moustache thing. Sal called back once again but the host cut him off and hung up on him.
More On Jackie's Business Discussions. 08/09/1993. 8:10am
Howard came back from break and talked to Robin about Jackie again. They talked about him going back to Jackie's little office that's actually the jock lounge. Jackie takes over and does business from the lounge after the show. Stuttering John was in the studio to talk about that because he gets to see a lot of those business dealings he has back there. He told Howard about some of the stuff he's heard Jackie telling people when he's on the phone there. He said he's heard Jackie telling people he'll try to give them plugs and talking about the stuff he has to lug around with him when he goes out on the road.
John said he's tried to tape Jackie a couple of times but he always finds it and shuts it off. John, Howard and Robin were all doing impressions of Jackie talking to people about this stuff. Jackie said that he's heard people complain about John tying up the phones talking about stocks during the show. He said that he talks for 5 minutes in the jock lounge while John spends hours and hours on the phone with stockbrokers. Robin said she's heard that as well.
Gary came in and said that the 10-11 o'clock hour has become the John hour back in the office. He said he found out that every morning Grillo parks John's car for him. Grillo used to get paid to park the car but one day he forgot about it and the car ended up getting towed. That cost John $150 so he stopped paying Grillo and started knocking a $1.50 off for each day he parked it. John said he told Grillo that he'd knock the whole amount off if Grillo just washed the car one day.
Howard told John to get out of there, he'd been in there too long. John said he was just getting into it and stuck around to say that Jackie will never laugh at anyone else's jokes. He said that he refuses to laugh at any other jokes. Howard kicked him out of the studio after that.
Darrell Hammond From Saturday Night Live Comes In. 8/9/01. 8:05am
Comedian Darrell Hammond came in to talk to Howard about his work on the TV show Saturday Night Live. Howard and Darrell spent most of the interview talking about Darrell playing the part of Bill Clinton on Saturday Night Live. Darrell said that most of the people on SNL write their own material but he hasn't had any of his own stuff accepted in about 6 years. He said that Lorne Michaels keeps him around to do his characters. All of the other comedians on the show compete to get air time on the show each week while Darrell just waits around for them to write a bit for him. He said he'd like to be able to compete for air time but they don't give him that chance.
Darrell said he got the job on the show after sending in a tape of his stand-up act where he did just one line as Bill Clinton. Lorne Michaels called him in to show off his talent and he did a bunch of Phil Donohue bits in different languages. He demonstrated that for Howard and it was really funny.
Darrell also told Howard how he got to hang out with the real President Clinton when Clinton invited him over to write a bit that the two of them could do together for the press. He said Clinton likes to invade your personal space and touch you a lot and he gets away with it. He shared a few of the behind-the-scenes stories he had about Clinton.
Darrell did some of his other impressions for Howard including Jay Leno, Regis Philbin, Jesse Jackson and Barney Fife.
Howard changed subjects and asked Darrell about how he figured out that he was abused as a young child. Darrell said he repressed the thoughts as he grew up but after he had his own child he started to remember stuff that ended up breaking him apart from his parents. He said he didn't want his baby to see someone telling his wife to shut up and he told his parents that and it all started to come out that he was abused. He's now in therapy 2 days a week to straighten himself out. He didn't want to say too much about the type of abuse he suffered as a child. He did say that he's in therapy for abuse that could be considered criminal. He also said that his parents told him that if he or his sister saw people in their rooms at night, they were ghosts. He said his sister would scream at night saying that there were ghosts in her room and to this day she still believes they were ghosts. Darrell knows better than that and has tried talking to his sister but she's sticking to her story. He said he's having a nice life now but he just doesn't have any family to share it with. Howard thought it was pretty sad but Darrell said it really wasn't because he has a beautiful baby and a great job.
Howard ended the segment after about a half hour and said that Darrell will be appearing at Carolines Comedy Club in New York today through Sunday. Visit Carolines.com for more info.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:00am.