|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
|Please help support MarksFriggin.com by using these sites:|
(Sirius, XM merch and more)
(Just about everything)
Playboy Cyber Club
Howard started the show talking about how brutal it is getting up so early in the morning. Howard said his life would be better if he didn't have that alarm clock. He said they should just start the show whenever he gets up. He said he'll give Robin a call and they'll come in and do the show. He said that would be more natural. Robin said it does seem to be more brutal every day.
Howard said yesterday he watched Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live. He said he TiVo'd it. He said she looks bizarre and not like she did before. He said she must have had plastic surgery. He said they got really high ratings when she was on though. He said Charles Barkley had the highest of the season but Lindsay was second. He said she's such a train wreck and that must be why people watch. Howard said she looks 45 when she's only 25. Howard said you wonder where that young girl is that you used to see in movies. He said there's something very sexual about her but it's depressing. He said it's very confusing emotions.
Howard said Lindsay threw away such potential. He said it's kind of a Whitney Houston kind of thing and it makes him curios about people who just throw it all away. He said he was reading about Lindsay and there were two opposing stories about her. He said he read she went to a dinner after Saturday Night Live and drank water. He said another article said that she went out after her interview with Matt Lauer and went to a club. Howard said he's so bored with those clubs but that's what turns these girls on.
Howard said they say that Lindsay's mother is always around and something wild is always going on with her. Howard said the whole thing is just confusion and going to clubs and all of that. Howard said there is no real life. He said it's all about the clubs. He said he's had it with the clubs. Howard said he's been to the clubs and you can only drink so much alcohol. He said he gets exhausted from it. Howard said he'd rather go home and read a book. Howard said when he was between his first marriage and second marriage he would go to the club. He'd meet whoever was there. Howard said he wanted to club himself over the head going to those clubs.
Howard said he guesses it's about hot chicks. He said that they're hot chicks who aren't strippers. Howard said some people never leave the clubs and you run into them the next night after they've been there the whole time.
Howard said that Imus doesn't even have a voice. He said the guy has to get off radio. Howard had the audio of Imus talking about him. He started the clip and it was sportscaster Warner Wolf talking about the Knicks game. Howard cut it off and said he didn't know that Warner had to work for Imus. He said there are guys from the Imus show that call them on a regular bassi trying to get a job there. Howard said Imus is awful to the people who work for him. He said that he had Al Rosenberg working for him and he fired Al so he could hire his girlfriend to work there at NBC. Howard said he took Al on after he got fired. Howard said that Imus eventually hired Al back because he was jealous of their relationship. Howard said Imus will see him on the street once in a while and he'll stick his hand out to shake it. Robin said he should trip him so he falls on the street. Howard said Imus looks like Skeletor and he can barely walk anymore. He said it's kind of sad.
Howard played more of the Imus clip and goofed on his awful talking voice. Imus brings up how he even saw Howard Stern there and every phony on the plant is there. Howard said he's been going to the games all along. He said the guy is a dickwad. Howard asked where the joke is there. He said Imus is so proud he got out a sentence. He said he can barely be heard over the cackling of the other 9 guys in the studio.
Howard said Imus has a good premise. He said they're all phonies for going but what's the rest of the joke? He said Imus is the biggest phony on the planet with that cancer ranch of his. He said when he showed up at NBC Imus didn't want to meet with him until he took over the ratings there. Howard said he was 29 years old and Imus was taking notes from him. He said Imus wanted to take notes from him while he paid off another girlfriend.
Howard said he will expose everything about him. He said that he knew he was in an insane asylum when Imus was selling posters of himself at WNBC. Howard said they had a poster of Imus with a girl peering into the room that he was in. He said they charged for that poster. Howard said that place was an insane asylum. He said they couldn't sell the posters so they had to drop them out of the NBC helicopter. Howard said the guy used the N-word with black people at the station too. That's the kind of guy Imus really was. Howard said he's such a phony he won't use that word on the air. Howard said he's no phony so he'd just use the word on the air if he used it.
Howard said Imus talks about the cancer ranch and talks about how he held this black kid in his arms. He did his Imus impression talking about that. Howard said Imus helping kids is wrong. He said he shouldn't be anywhere near kids. Howard said he knows why and so does Imus. Howard said he won't bring that up... yet. Howard said the guy opens his irrelevant mouth. Howard said Imus says that he's not relevant but Imus has never been relevant.
Howard said that they have Neal Cavuto there on Imus' show too. Howard said there isn't one person there who likes Imus. Howard said he doesn't know why all of those guys haven't called him asking for a job. Howard said none of his guys have ever asked for a job over there at Imus' show.
Imus was talking to Neal about Howard and saying that he's not relevant anymore. Howard said Imus never was relevant. Howard said his clothing isn't even relevant. Robin said she's not sure why Howard even talks about him. Howard said he used to tell his listeners to tune in and listen to him and they wouldn't do it. He said his show is unlistenable. Howard said he's the worst broadcaster he's ever heard. You can't understand a word he says.
Howard said Imus was no pioneer either. He said that he wasn't one of his influences. Howard said Brad Crandall was more of an influence over Imus. Howard said Imus changed his whole act when he got to NBC. He said he hates the guy so much.
Howard said he was there at the game to see this Linsanity thing. He said that Jeremy Lin is much shorter than he expected. He said it was pretty exciting to see the guy play. He said that the Knicks were playing the Cleveland Cavaliers and they were blowing the Knicks away. Howard said he thought he was going to see a losing game. Then the Knicks came together and won. He said he didn't see the end of the game. He said he did sit next to Magic Johnson and he wants to come see a taping of America's Got Talent. Howard said he thinks that it sounds really fun. Howard said the guy seems to be very healthy even though he apparently had AIDS. Howard said that was cool that he asked about his gig. He said that's the first guy to actually do that. Howard said Magic had to leave early like he did because he had something to do the next day. Howard said the Knicks won and he missed the end of the game.
Howard said that they tell you that it's going to be crazy getting out of there so he had to get out of there. Howard said he had to get home and get to bed. Howard said it was cool seeing that Lin guy though. He said he likes seeing a Chinese guy playing. Robin said he's American and grew up here Howard said there was another guy who was on fire. He was a white guy. Gary said it's Novak. Howard said he's praying for an all Chinese Knicks team. He said that would freak the other teams out. Howard said the Chinese love basketball.
Howard read more about Lindsay and how she was talking about not going out clubbing anymore but then she went out to a club the night she told Matt Lauer that she doesn't go anymore. Howard said they say that a couple of dudes were fighting over her at a club. He said he can't imagine guys fighting over her like that. Howard said one of the men said that she was his girl to this guy he was fighting with. Then Lohan got upset and left. Howard said they say that maybe that was causing her to get distracted from her rehearsals for Saturday Night Live. Howard said he locks himself in a room so he won't get ill and he'll be on top of his gam. Howard said she doesn't take anything seriously. He said she doesn't care that she came off bad on that show. Robin said she's still proud of that performance. Howard said she was terrible.
Howard said they say that Lindsay's mother was back stage and causing problems. Howard said they say that she was in Lorne Michaels' office and her friend lost a stone off her ring in the office so they were busy trying to find that instead of watching the show.
Howard said they say that the friend and Lindsay's mom joined Lindsay at the after party. they say that her mom was partying like a teenager. Howard said there is no hope for Lindsay if that's what's going on. Howard said that mom is a piece of work too. He said he saw her at a restaurant once and this guy came up to him and said ''Excuse me Mr. Stern... I am with miss Dina Lohan and we'd appreciate it if you came over and said happy birthday to her.'' Howard said he told the guy to say happy birthday to her for him. He said that the guy must have been trying to intimidate him into coming over. Howard said he wanted the guy to go away but he didn't feel comfortable with that. Howard said he told the guy he can tell her to come over to him and say hello if he wants.
Howard said he had a guy come up to him once while he was out and he announced that he was somebody's father. Howard said he doesn't care.
Howard read more about the after party and how Lindsay went out to party more at a club. Howard said she just did Saturday Night Live and then went out and had to party more. Howard said they say that if you're a home body you don't stay home all the time. Howard said that's exactly what it means. Howard said she could have had such a great life if she hadn't fucked it up. Howard said she threw it all away. Howard said he's so well behaved and this girl isn't anything like that.
Howard said that Davy Jones died while they were away. Howard said that he liked the Monkees early on. He said that they got bad toward the end of their run but he did like them for a while. Howard said that Davy was on his third marriage and had a young, hot wife. Howard said that she was hot too. He said she's got to be in her 30s or maybe even 20s. Howard said he's not sure if they had kids. He may not have. Fred said the wife is 33. Howard said she was really cute. He said Davy must have gone out with a smile. Howard said the guy was 66.
Howard said the Monkees were put together for a TV show and they didn't care if they could play or not. Howard said it turned out they had talent. He said it was a coveted thing to be in the Monkees because even Steven Stills tried out for the band. Howard said they gelled as a band and they had a bunch of hits. Howard said at one point they had a bunch of number one songs one after the other. He said it was crazy.
Howard said Davy Jones and Mikey Dolenz and Peter Tork went out and toured without Michael Nesmith. Howard said Nesmith didn't need money because his mother invented liquid paper. Howard said he was into making videos and stuff. Howard said that they needed Nesmith but he was the one who didn't go out with them.
Howard talked about the band and how they had some big names writing songs for them. Howard said that Gary took it really hard when he died. Howard said that Gary was upset about that because of the Monkees thing.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about what he was saying about Gary not being a good producer last week. Howard said he loves Gary and he would be a great producer if he was a producer for a TV show. Howard said that he was joking last week. Howard said Gary is terrific. He said he read the email and felt bad about what he said. He was just joking and kidding around. He said no one understands sarcasm around there.
Howard said that Rush Limbaugh called a woman a slut. Howard said you can say a lot of things when you're on the air so much every day but this guy called the girl a slut day after day. Howard said he has about 5 points to make about this. He said he can't believe we're still fighting over birth control. Howard said this is how nutty the country has become. He said they're arguing about abortion too. Howard said that abortion is legal but in Texas and Virginia they do an ultrasound with something that's inserted into the woman. Howard said that this is more like rape. He said that they don't need something inserted to do an ultrasound. Howard said that they make the heart beat of the baby loud so you have to hear it. Howard said they insert this ultrasound thing into the woman's vagina. Howard said they make you look at all of the limbs and stuff. Howard said the world has gone mad.
Howard said Rachel Maddow was on the air talking about Rush Limbaugh and how he doesn't understand birth control. Howard said birth control doesn't mean you have to take a pill. He said that Rush is talking about how this woman must be a slut if she's taking birth control. He said that the guy doesn't even know what it is. He said that it's not something you take every time you fuck. He said Rush is confused.
Howard said Rush doesn't know this girl who is testifying to Congress. He said that he's calling her a slut and she's not a slut. Howard said the guy is nuts and he's commenting on birth control and saying it's not supposed to be part of birth control. Howard said the guy doesn't want to pay for unwanted kids either though. He said you need birth control to control the number of unwanted kids. Howard said he's not sure why we're in the dark ages about all of this stuff. He said he knows a lot of it comes from the churches. Howard said he wishes more people would use birth control and he'd be happy if the health care covered it.
Howard said that Rush is so unattractive. He said he's all fat, sweaty and gross. Howard said the thought of him commenting on women's sexuality is gross. Robin said that he has dumb discussions and all he did was add stupidity to the debate. Howard said he was the one who wanted drug addicts to go to jail but when he got in trouble for it then he didn't think he should go to jail. Howard said he can't believe that in 2012 we're discussing abortion and birth control.
Howard said he was reading a book about Michelle Bachman and he read a series of columns about her and how wacky her husband is. Howard said they have a business where they convert homosexuals into heterosexuals. Howard said the husband is charging people to turn them straight. Howard said he's not sure what the guy's background is.
Howard said that Kirk Cameron also came out and said some crazy stuff. He said he had to take a break first though. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and sang along with the Monkees song a little bit. Howard said all we have left is Mickey Dolenz and Peter Tork now. He said that Davey sang most of the songs. Howard said Mickey sang some of the songs though. Fred named a few so Howard had him play ''Pleasant Valley Sunday'' since Mickey sang that one. Howard said he also played a part on the show ''Jungle Boy.'' Howard said he had a couple of Monkees albums when he was young.
Howard took a call from Pete in Pittsburgh who said that Howard has been very pro-gay the past few years and he's wondering if any of his kids are gay or something because he's really pushing this gay thing. Howard said this isn't a new thing. He said it's about love. Howard said that's what the world needs more of. Howard said if people love each other it means less hostility and more stability. He said he's happy for people who are happy. He said you have one shot at life... who cares who you love. Howard said his kids are all straight though. Pete figured that maybe the one in San Francisco is gay. Howard said she's not.
Pete said Howard seems to be on a rampage to be friends with gay people like Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen Degeneres. Howard said he's not on a rampage. He said he just wants people to be happy and to be able to do it in the public eye. Howard said that he wants a world of peace. He said he understands things and he's bright.
Pete asked Howard about the old testament and what he thinks about that. Howard said he doesn't believe in any religion. Howard said he's fine if you want to believe in it but he doesn't believe it. Howard said that the bible was written to keep man under control. He said they wanted to keep men from killing each other. Howard said it was all to civilize all of mankind.
Pete asked if he's saying that it's natural to put a man's penis in another man's ass. Howard said it's fine to do your own thing. He said that he's not a drug guy but he's fine with other people taking drugs. Howard said he did smoke weed here and there but he isn't a drug guy now. He said you can blow your brains out if you want to. He said he's not going to stop people from doing drugs.
Pete said there have been limitations on behavior. Howard said that you don't kill other people. That's it. Howard asked Pete how he's affected by this whole thing. Pete said there is disease that can be spread. Howard said that he's going a little over the line with this stuff. Howard let Pete go a short time later.
Howard asked Jon if that's Steve Langford's old jacket. Jon said he believes it is. He said that it's a little wrinkled in the back. Howard said that shenanigans are afoot there. He said he's just trying to create a channel for fans who enjoy their programming. He has no other agenda. Howard said everyone loves to fuck with him. He said that the people who fuck with him are the people who end up getting fucked.
Jon said that they have a breaking news story. He said that it turns out the girl who JD lost his virginity to is seen in a photo from one of the last days at K-Rock sitting in Howard's chair. Jon said they're working on a special about JD for Howard TV and they found out that this girl, Courtney, was sitting in Howard's chair at K-Rock. Howard didn't seem too upset about it.
Jon said they have another story about Raven Alexis who may or may not have cancer. He said that they spoke to her former fiancee that he believes she duped people into thinking she had cancer. Jon said that Raven says she didn't fake the cancer and she's on the verge of bankruptcy. Jon said that Raven is back web camming and escorting and doctors say that it would take a miracle to get back to that after being diagnosed with N-stage cancer. Jon said she is apparently ill but they're not sure if it's cancer or not. Jon said they're working on the story.
Jon said that they have a story about Sal's prom night and how he spent his high school years dipping and spitting and telling crass jokes. Howard said that Jon is on fire.
Jon said he has one more. He said High Pitch Eric has some secrets that her revealed recently. He revealed that he masturbates thinking about Lisa G in a shower that's shared in the building where he lives. They have co-ed bathrooms at the apartment building he lives in. Eric claims that he scrubs down the shower after he's done jerking off. Howard thanked Jon for the updates and went to another break.
Howard said Drew must get paid a ton of dough for that show too. He said the show is such a money maker. He said he thinks it's even more popular now than it was with Bob Barker. Howard said Drew is doing really good with the show.
Howard said that there was another Baba Booey bomb on the local FOX news. Howard played a clip where a reporter was doing a live report and someone, who sounded like Joey Boots yelled out some Baba Booey and Howard Stern's penis references. Howard said he seems to be louder than the person with the microphone too.
Howard said he was talking about Kirk Cameron earlier. He said that he got booked on Piers Morgan's show and he's not sure why. Howard said the kid is kooky. He said when Kirk was on Growing Pains he had a girl fired for being in Playboy and he went off the religious deep end. Howard said he did a tape about evolution too. He said that Kirk wanted them to teach Creationism in schools. Howard said he has some nutty beliefs. Howard said the guy has a lot of nutty stuff that's way out there.
Howard said Kirk was on Piers Morgan and he's got nothing to talk about but this wacky religious nut stuff. Howard said Kirk was on Growing Pains and he's lecturing people about homosexuality. Howard said there's nothing like getting a lecture from someone who was on Growing Pains.
Howard played the clip of Kirk talking about how marriage was defined by god a long time ago and it was between a man and a woman and it's for life. Kirk said that no one should be defining what marriage is now. Howard said maybe we shouldn't have redefined the whole slavery thing either. Piers asked Kirk what he would do if one of his kids came to him and said he was gay. Kirk said he'd have a heart to heart with him. Piers said he'd tell his son that's great as long as he's happy. Kirk said that he wouldn't say that. He said that just because you feel one way doesn't mean you have to act on it. Howard pointed out that Kirk would probably be okay with his son going against all of his instincts and marrying a woman he doesn't really love so he can cover up his homosexuality.
Robin asked what Piers was doing booking Kirk. Howard said that he has to have guests. He said it was probably a Friday night and no one was in town.
Howard said Rosie O'Donnell asked him to come on Piers' show when she's filling in for Piers this month. Howard said he's going to be on the road for America's Got Talent though. Howard said he's going to St. Louis this weekend and they should have some tickets available for that. Gary said that they can call 888-9-ASSHOLE if they want tickets.
Howard said Benjy went in and peed last week and he came out saying it wasn't him. Gary said he got the log to find out who did it. Howard said they narrowed it down to Jason or Scott the Engineer. Gary said Benjy came out at 11:30 and then he went in at 11:32. Jason was in there at 11:27. Scott the Engineer was in there at 11:19. Gary said he thinks that it was Scott. Howard said he'd bet that it was Scott. Gary said if Scott shit at 11:19 it still smelled at 11:32. Howard said to shit in there is absurd.
Howard saw Scott come in so he asked him to swear on his son's life that he didn't do it. Scott came in and said that he swears on his life he didn't shit in there. Scott said he won't swear on his son's life. Howard said he must have done it then. Jason said he doesn't remember if he shit in there on Wednesday. He said he has done it before though.
Howard asked Benjy if he shits in there. Benjy said he has but he doesn't usually do it. Howard said they should be in the big bathroom where there is ventilation.
Jason said that he can't shit in 2 minutes either. He said that anybody can go in there and shit. Gary said he was in there a minute and 40 after Benjy was in there so it couldn't have been Benjy.
Scott told Howard that he doesn't shit in there on a show day. Howard said he heard that Jason goes in there with newspapers. Gary said he spoke to Tracey about that last week about that newspaper thing. He said he heard a story from Tracey about how Jason will leave the papers in there. Tracey thinks it's gross and they should be thrown away. Jason thinks that they should be left for other people. Howard said they should be thrown out.
Howard said he has people who come to his home and take the paper into the bathroom. Howard said they come back and put it on the bathroom counter. Howard said he doesn't want to touch someone's shit paper. He said that sitting there on the toilet reading isn't the right thing to do either. Howard said when he takes a dump he waits until he has to go and then he's in and out in a minute. Howard said he cleans up and gets out.
Gary asked Howard if his underwear is clean all the time. Howard said his underwear is always clean. Gary said he has some accidents at times. Gary said he can't use baby wipes. He said the plumber told them it's bad. Gary said that they have to put the baby wipes in the garbage. Howard said that's so gross. He told him to just flush it down. Gary said that it could cause major problems if they flush them.
Jason said that the reason he got mad at Tracey was that he wasn't the one leaving the papers in the bathroom. Tracey yelled at him for doing it and he wasn't the one who did it. He said she was screaming at him about it in the hallway. Jason said that he'll now report it to Tracey when he sees people leave papers in there. Jason said that it is gross to shit in the main bathroom too. He said he really doesn't know if he shit on Wednesday and he finds it hard to believe that Benjy and Scott remember when they shit.
Gary said that Jason would have had to have shit in 3 minutes if he shit that day. Howard said that he could do it in 3 minutes. Jason said he's in the bathroom for way more than that when he shits. Scott asked who went in before him. Gary said it was one of the TV show guys but he was only in for 2 minutes. Gary said that Scott was in there longer than anyone.
Howard asked if they courtesy flush. Jason said he does. He said that he shits big and he has to flush so it doesn't clog. Howard and Robin were grossed out.
Howard said the Howard TV guys claim they can smell Jason's shit for 10 minutes after he goes. Jason said that he's not the only one who does it. He said there are others there too. He said he doesn't shit during the show either. He said he doesn't have time for it. He also told Howard about how his wife told him he leaves ass sweat on the seat when he goes so now he has to wipe the seat after he goes.
Howard said he's a jealous dude and he would have to cut Robin off to all dudes if she was his girlfriend. Howard said Beth has male friends that she stays in touch with but she doesn't go to dinner with them. He said if it did then he'd have to go on a date too. He said the whole thing would deteriorate. He said that he would go all the way though.
Howard said he took Beth to a strip club and all of the girls were paying attention to her. Howard said he got jealous of that. Howard said Beth wasn't even really into it but she went along with it. Howard said he got her out of there quick. He said that he gets jealous easy.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he has a routine where he gets up between 6 and 7 and puts the show on and goes into the bathroom to shit. He said he's sitting there listening to the Imus clips about how irrelevant Howard is. He said the magazine he grabbed was the Rolling Stone end of the year issue. He said they did a compilation of the other issues in that one. He ran down the list of people who they did stories on in the article. They were all huge names and Howard's name was in there.
Howard cut the guy off and said every guy in radio is jealous of him. The caller said he had a funny part of the story. He said he hears Imus talking about Howard being irrelevant and logs of doody are dropping out of his ass. Howard said guys in radio are all jealous of him. He said that no one has ever done what he's done in radio. He said no one has fans like he does. Howard said he loves his fans for it. He said he's very blessed with an incredible career. He said that everyone is jealous.
The caller won the Beetlejuice game last week and he's going to see Springsteen. He's bummed that Howard won't be there. Howard said they're treating him like an asshole there and using his budget for concerts like that. Howard said they're treating him like shit there and fucking around with the franchise. Howard said the can keep fucking around and do what they have to do.
Howard said he's a judge now and he has to give his opinion. Howard said J-Lo is a huge phony. He said that when Paula was a judge she at least knew she was washed up. Howard said no one told J-Lo that she was washed up. Howard said she still thinks that she's a superstar. Howard said the only reason she has a career is because of that show. He said she's pissing all over the show by not giving her opinion. He said he really doesn't like it. He said you can't be a judge and not have an opinion.
Howard said that he judges the judges. Howard said he's a fellow judge now so he does that. Howard said he missed judging this weekend. He had the weekend off but he missed the judging. Howard said he does like having the time with his wife though. Howard said he has to start all over again in St. Louis this coming weekend.
Howard said that Jonah Hill is there so he has to get to him after the commercials. Howard said that Jonah was up for an Academy Award. He said he deserved the award and he should have won. Howard said he was terrific in Moneyball. Howard said this was his year. He said it's a political thing though. He said that Moneyball was a good move and you don't get a lot of those. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Jonah Hill come in. Howard said he's an Academy Award nominee. Jonah said it was great to see them as he was coming in. Howard said that he was right behind Brad Pitt and Angelina. Jonah said he was there with his mom. He said he's promoting 21 Jump Street today and the movie is coming out on March 16th. He said it took him 5 years to write the movie. Jonah said he didn't want to turn a TV show into a movie because it's so lazy and stupid to recycle old ideas. He said that he didn't want to do it but the idea is to go back and relive your youth. He said that he went with that and figured that he'd do it because it's like reliving those years when you knew nothing. Howard said that the TV show was with Johnny Depp, Holly Robinson and Peter DeLuise. Jonah said they wanted to get all caught up in it and start fucking the students and stuff that you're not supposed to do.
Jonah said that he and Channing Tatum made jokes about how old they look. Jonah said the movie is really funny. Howard asked if it's weird to write something and then have someone else direct it. Jonah said it is very strange. He said he had to hand it over to them and trust that they wouldn't fuck it up. Jonah said this is the first movie really wrote himself. He said he had some writing in Bruno too though.
Jonah said that he didn't have a lot of input on Moneyball but he did write this movie so he had more input. He said Howard must have had that in Private Parts. Howard said that's true. He said there is more leeway when you're involved like that.
Howard asked if Jonah is playing Peter DeLuise or Johnny Depp's character. Jonah said it's not like that. He said it's him and Channing Tatum playing the roles. He said that they may or may not have the same characters come back. He said the movie is hilarious and it's like a John Hughes movie and an action movie fucked and this is the child they had.
Howard asked Jonah about doing Saturday Night Live this week and what that's like. Jonah said he's going to be writing for the show too. He said they start today. He said he didn't see the Lindsay Lohan Saturday Night Live last weekend. Howard asked if he gets nervous doing the show live like that. Jonah said that it might be an easy act to follow if she was that bad. He said that he's glad he's following her and not Bill Murray. Jonah said he's going to work hard on this week's show. He said he'll do his best to come up with some good stuff.
Jonah said that he had 3 movies that he watched over and over again before he did Moneyball. He said Private Parts was one of them. He said everyone thought that the movie was wrong and they did it and it worked. He said that people were idiots for thinking the way they did. He said that they were fucking ignoring what people like Howard was doing. He said that they had some scenes in the movie that helped him get into character. He said he forgot to tell Howard that last time he was on the show. He said a lot of what they do in Howard's movie is like what happens in Moneyball. He said they were both about industry changing things.
Howard said Jonah carried that movie. He said he was really good in it but so was Brad Pitt. Howard said he thinks that Jonah deserved the Oscar. Jonah thanked him for that. Robin asked if he saw the other films. Howard said he doesn't need to see them. He said that he did see Moneyball and it was great. Howard asked Jonah if he had any hope of winning being up against the people he was against. Jonah said he was pretty sure he wasn't going to win. He said that people knew Christopher Plumber was going to win. He said he thought he was great though. Jonah said he's only 28 so he's got time.
Jonah said since he was on the show every day has been dedicated to trying to get nominated or going to lunches and stuff. He said it's like having another full time job. Jonah said that he thought that he might have a shot but he figured he just had to do his work and not think about it. He said that he got nominated for a BAFTA award too. He said he thought he as famous before but after all of that he realized he wasn't. He said that he did start thinking about how he could win so he had a speech written. He said that his speech is on a piece of paper that's all crumpled up from the award shows now.
Howard asked who he would have thanked. Jonah said he would have thanked some important people in his life. Howard asked if he would thank him. Jonah said he would do that and thank Eric the Actor too.
Jonah said that he has a few friends who he hangs out with and he'd consider Brad Pitt a friend. He said that Brad and Angelina came to his birthday. He said that they showed up and drank and danced with everyone. Howard asked if he smoked weed. Jonah said he doesn't smoke weed contrary to popular belief. He said that he gets really fucked up if he smokes. Jonah said that he likes to drink though.
Howard asked Jonah about Angelina putting her leg out when she got on stage and if it struck him as odd. Jonah said he doesn't know what she was doing and it didn't really strike him as odd. Howard said it was strange. Jonah said he didn't find it odd at all. Howard said he's got to be kidding. Howard said if he was writing a script for Saturday Night Live about that he'd have her sticking her leg out. Jonah said that maybe it was just the dress. Fred played an ODB ''Nigga please'' clip while Jonah was explaining it. Jonah said that he knows what it's like to be up there and maybe do something stupid. He said he's not calling her stupid but he knows what that can be like.
Howard asked Jonah about this movie he's doing. Jonah said he's doing one with James Franco called True Story. He said he plays a NY Times writer who gets fired for embellishing a story and then this guy who impersonates him will only talk to him and it's going to be a crazy movie. Howard asked if he thinks that it could be another nomination. Jonah said he's not thinking that.
Howard asked Jonah about breaking up with his girlfriend. Jonah said that they did break up. He said she was a great girl. He said that he made a mistake last time he was on. He said that when you talk about your relationship with a person that you're not married to then you look like a schmuck. Howard said everyone has gone through that. He said he was in love at the time so that's fine. Howard asked what went wrong. Jonah said he didn't want to talk about what went wrong. Howard asked how many years she put in with him. Jonah said that it was two years. He said he cares about her and she's not in the business so he doesn't want to talk about it.
Howard asked Jonah about Dustin Hoffman and how he hung out his house all his life. He said that he's been a mentor to him. Jonah said he's been friends with the family for longer than he remembers. Howard said he read that he's dating Dustin's daughter. Jonah said he's not talking about relationships. Robin asked if he's single. Jonah asked Robin if she wants to go out.
Jonah said he won't talk about his relationship. Howard said if he breaks up with this girl he's going to fuck up his relationship with Dustin too. He said that's something you just don't do. Howard said that he can't be dating his daughter. Jonah said it's not like that. He tried changing subjects to the movie. Howard kept asking.
Jonah said that he's in love with all of this stuff on the show. He mentioned Eric the Actor flying with balloons and Mike Walker's fart and things like that.
Howard kept asking Jonah about his girl and said it's not that big of a deal to talk about it. Jonah said that Dustin's daughter is the greatest person he knows. That's all he would say. Howard saw a picture of her and said she's a beautiful girl. Robin asked what she does. Jonah said he's not going to talk about this. Howard said he must be in love. He said he's never seen him this happy. Jonah said that he'd like to take a photo of this moment in his life because he'd keep it forever.
Howard asked Jonah about Brad Pitt being a father and what he's like around his kids. Jonah said he's a great dad.
Howard asked Jonah about when his movie is opening. He said it's coming March 16th. Howard said he has a couple of big movies coming out before that. Jonah said that they should be good to go because that new Julia Roberts movie changed their release date. He said they must have feared 21 Jump Street.
Howard said that Jonah used to be a free spirit but now he has stuff to hide. He said that he doesn't want to hear stuff about his sex life about Dustin Hoffman's daughter. He said that it's unusual because he's been friends with her for so long. Jonah said that he's getting back into it. He said they were talking about other stuff and he got back to it.
Jonah said he has other stories to tell. He said he went to Miami and went out to a club with Michael Cera. He said they were making out with girls and then OJ walks in. He said this girl stops making out with him and ran over to OJ to make out with him. He said she went home with OJ that night. Howard said that must hurt your ego when that happens. Jonah said that she must not be a very good person to do that.
Howard asked if Jonah hit it off with Oprah on her big Oscar special. Jonah said he did get along with her and he wanted to have a funny story for her. He said that she was so nice to his parents and it was just amazing. He said she sent him 20 bottles of champagne after he said he and all of his friends were going to celebrate.
Howard said he heard that Jonah was going to thank Charlie Rose in his acceptance speech if he had won. Jonah said they were on his show and talked about the movie and it was a great interview. He said that they had such a great time that he was going to thank him. Jonah said that the people who vote on the Oscars are in a different world. He said that he thinks Howard is the best celebrity interviewer out there though. He said he's a huge Stern fan and he'd do anything he could for him. He said he listens to the show every day and he has to take the shit like anyone else does.
Robin said that Brad Pitt used to listen to the show. Howard said he ran into Brad at the Brad Grey wedding and he didn't think he was very nice to him. Beth tells him that he has the story wrong and Brad was very gracious to him.
Howard asked Jonah about trying to keep the weight off. Jonah said he may have gained a few back because he's a big drinker. He said that he's been out drinking a lot lately. He said that he likes to drink and they tell you to drink vodka and stuff but he loves beer. Jonah said he isn't an alcoholic but he drinks a few when he goes out. He might have 5 or 6 in a night. Howard said that can put some weight on you. Jonah said it's like eating a cake or something.
Howard asked Jonah if he gave away all of his fat clothes. He said he has put back some of his weight. Jonah said he doesn't live the same lifestyle he used to. He said he's not the same big guy he was. Howard asked if he's going to lose his charm if he loses too much weight. Jonah said he doesn't think so. He said when he turns 80 he's going to become the fat guy. Howard said he's not sure he could do that.
Howard asked Jonah if he had a period of time when he had lots of sex. Jonah said he did. He said he won't go through the whole thing but he did have some good fun. He said any time period before now he's willing to discuss. Howard asked how crazy it got. Jonah said it got crazy. He said there's a reason he needs a steady girlfriend. Howard asked if he had all kinds of women. Jonah said he didn't. He said he just had fun. Howard asked if he got a blow job from two women at once. Jonah said he has had two women at once. He said that's one of those things that you want to have in your life before you die. He said he had sex with a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model. He said that was the highlight of his life.
Howard asked what Jonah wants to do with his life. Jonah said he would like to do all kinds of movies. He said that he wants to do comedy, drama and all of that. He said he's taking advantage of the offers he's getting now that he was an Oscar nominee. He said that he's doing a lot of really good stuff now.
Robin said that Jonah was great in the movie ''Cyrus'' and he's like Benjy in that movie. Jonah said that he used Benjy as an inspiration for that character. Jonah said that he was recommended for Moneyball by someone he worked with on Cyrus.
Howard said it takes a certain vision to see that someone like that is going to work in a serious role. Jonah said that's what the movie is about. You don't just take someone at face value.
Howard asked if Jonah has any ideas for Saturday Night Live and if he's going to pitch them today. Jonah said today is the day they pitch the ideas to the star. He said that they have great writers there so he's sure he'll hear some good stuff. Howard asked what he will pitch when he does. Jonah said he has an idea for one of the digital shorts where he only does real serious movies and they do a Steven Hawking biopic. Howard liked that idea. He said he should pitch that. Jonah said he will. Jonah said he doesn't care where the ideas come from as long as he looks good this week.
Howard said that one of the guys on Saturday Night Live, Bill Hader, is really good. Jonah said he was in Superbad. Howard wasn't sure if that was the guy but Gary figured that's who he was talking about.
Jonah told Howard that he grew up with Adam Levine from Maroon 5. He said that they were both fuck ups growing up. He said Adam is a great guy. He said he's a rock star guy that you don't really want to root for but he's the nicest guy in the world. Howard said he brought in the model he's banging and the interview was great.
Jonah said that he had a cartoon on FOX and one of the writers is Adam's roommate. Howard asked why he still has a roommate. Jonah said he's not sure. Jonah told Howard that the writer brought Ann V to a table read once. He said that no one had seen her before and he brings a friend along who is a super model. He said it was crazy.
Howard asked Jonah about the model he banged and why she dumped him. Jonah said it wasn't a real serious thing. He said she has every option in the universe and she didn't want to stick with him. Howard said maybe he was bad in bed. Jonah said he doesn't think that was it. Howard asked if he blew his load immediately. Jonah said he was young, he was only 23 at the time. Howard said that's great that he got her so young. Jonah said that he went from 0-60 in no time. He said that he went from having girlfriends to banging a super model. He said he was pretty heavy back then too. Howard asked if he was intimidated by her. Jonah said that he is the luckiest guy in the world. He said he knows that it could change for the worst at any moment.
Howard asked Jonah why he changed his name. Jonah said that his middle name was Hill and he had to decide on what his SAG name was going to be. He said he just changed it when he got his first movie.
Howard asked Jonah if he's a millionaire. Jonah said he's doing fine. Howard asked what his quote is. Jonah said that he's in a very happy place. Howard tried to find out what his quote is but Jonah wasn't talking.
Howard said he's been offered a lot of parts since Private Parts but he hasn't gotten any great offers. He said he'd like to play Woodrow Wilson in a movie. He said he was just kidding a few seconds later after Robin questioned him about that.
Jonah said that Benjy's life is way more interesting than some of the comic book movies out there. Jonah asked Benjy if he's still with ''that girl.'' Benjy said he is and asked Jonah if he's still with ''that girl'' too. Jonah didn't say.
Jonah told Howard about how he was working on 21 Jump Street from the age of 23 to the age of 28. He said he had to make it right so that's why it took so long. He said that they wanted to make it a few times during that 5 years but he had to make it right.
Howard and Jonah talked about how the movie thing is going to go and if he's going to be watching the box office closely. Jonah said he's got to watch it and he's going to be really bummed if it doesn't do well. He said that they're going to be going out to theaters and surprising people on opening night.
Jonah said that he had a movie come out and tank and then 3 days later he got the Oscar nomination. He said that's the way things go in that business.
Howard said this one is going to be a big deal for Jonah. Jonah said if this movie isn't funny then maybe he's not funny. He said that he thinks it's funny and it tested higher than Superbad. He said the audiences went crazy seeing it and his friends think it's great. Howard asked how many years of his relationship it will take before he brings Dustin Hoffman's daughter into the studio. Jonah said that he will only bring her in if they're married. Howard asked if she's going to the premiere. Jonah said that if Howard and Beth come then he'll bring her.
Howard gave Jonah some plugs for his movie and said that he would really love to know how he goes from being a friend to being a love interest with the Hoffman girl. Jonah said Howard is crazy.
Jonah said that he heard someone talking about Jackass the other day and why they are so funny. He said they said it's because they all love each other. He said that's what Howard's show is like. He said that they're very emotional about each other. Howard said thate is a very strong emotion. Howard wrapped up with Jonah and told him to come back with ''you know who.'' Jonah asked if he was talking about Channing. Howard said that's not who he's talking about. He knows who he's talking about.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Jonah about his three favorite movies of all time. Jonah named a few more than 3. He said Goodfellas, Godfather 1 and 2, Rushmore, Boogie Nights and a couple of others. That led to them talking about I heart Huckabees and how crazy that was to shoot. Jonah said that Lily Tomlin was going nuts during that one scene. Gary said the best part is when Dustin Hoffman tells her to use that energy in the scene and she says ''Fuck you too!'' Howard said it's so great when it gets out there too. Howard said she had a real passion for that film. Jonah said you have one day to get that scene right and that's what she was trying to do.
Jonah told Howard that he prepares for parts by making prank calls as the character. He said he did that with his character from Moneyball. He said he can't go to a coffee shop and do that so he does it on the phone.
Howard gave Jonah more plugs and Jonah told him that he has more people come up to him about his last interview there than any other interview he's done. He said that he told some crazy stories last time. He said that he's humbled to be there. Howard said he wishes he had won the Academy Award. He said maybe he'll get one when he's 82. They went to break after that.
During the commercial break Howard was still talking to Jonah. Howard came out of break to do a live commercial and talked to Jonah about how he worked on Sacha Baron Cohen's new movie. Jonah said that he owes a lot to Sacha because he gave him his first big writing gig. He said he wrote some stuff for The Dictator and he did it for free. He said that the guy did him a big favor and he's just paying it forward. Howard asked where he was going next. Jonah said he didn't want to go because he knows it's just one of those dumb shows. He took off after that.
Howard came back and had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show. They spent a minute talking about Jonah Hill and how he didn't talk about his girlfriend. Robin said that Howard didn't talk about Beth right away when he started dating her. Howard said that she doesn't have to point that out. Jon finished up and Howard mentioned the Triple X Factor contest they have going on right now. Howard said this is going to be big with a $10,000 grand prize. They have a band of naked chicks that they've heard from already. He said if you have any talent you can do naked then you might be able to get in on the contest. You can find out more at SiriusXM.com/Howard
Robin started her news with a story about Ted Turner who may have four girlfriends. One for every week of the month. Robin said that he reportedly spends one week a month with each woman. Robin said that he stays in touch with Jane Fonda too. Howard said that they must love that they only have to fuck him one week a month. Robin said they say that he has less energy than he used to. They say he goes to bed right after dinner. Howard said that sounds familiar. He said it sounds like a good idea having four girlfriends like that.
Howard said last year he read the police blotter from Hoboken because they had such a disastrous St. Patrick's Day parade. He said this year they have no parade but the bar owners are going to open early so they can drink. He said now people will just drink instead of go to the parade. Howard read some of the things that went on this year without the parade. He read about a guy who was climbing a wall after watching Spider Man. He read about all kinds of other things that were going on with drunks in Hoboken.
Robin read a story about some custodians who tied up a few students at a school but they're not clear on why that was done. Robin said there is no evidence of sexual abuse.
Robin read about a 3 year old girl who was left behind at Chuck E Cheese. Robin wondered how they forgot this kid. Howard said he never forgot his kid somewhere.
Robin read about Davy Jones' death and how they're planning his funeral. Robin said they'll have both public and private services. Robin said that his death was sudden an unexpected. Robin said he was out riding horses with family and a few days later he died. Robin said he was 66. Howard said you can be perfectly healthy and die from a heart attack. He said that he had a friend who had an EKG done one day and they said he was fine. Two or 3 days later he had a heart attack. He said it was pretty severe too. Howard said people tell you to take baby aspirin and now they're saying that's not good for you either.
Robin said that Andrew Breitbart also died. She said he was only 43 and he collapsed and died. Robin said that he's the one who broke the Anthony Weiner story. Robin said that Weiner and Breitbart were in talks to do a TV show together. Howard wondered who would put that on. Robin said it was CNN. Robin read more about Breitbart's death.
Robin read about Anthony Montross dying too. Howard had Fred play some of his music. Robin had some details of what was going on with him. Fred had a bunch of examples of the music he played with Edgar Winters and in his band Montross.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was fired up earlier and he wanted to give a constructive criticism about the show. Howard said that's not necessary. Howard said he figured out what to do himself. He doesn't need feedback. The caller said he thought that's how he did the show. Howard said he'd be doomed if he thought of the show as a community. He told the guy that his feedback is irrelevant. The caller said he's a paying customer. Howard said he doesn't care. He said he can just quit if he doesn't like it. Howard said he doesn't care what he thinks. The caller said that's hurtful. Howard said if he listened to feedback he would have quit on day one. He said he ignored the feedback. The caller said that can't be and people must have supported him. Howard said even his own father said he sucked. He said he ignored the feedback and that's how he became who he is.
Howard asked what the guy's feedback was. The caller, Evan, started to explain himself but Howard told him to call Elvis Duran or Ryan Seacrest. He said he doesn't care what he thinks about him. He said Evan is irrelevant. Howard said that a show everyone loves is hardly his show. Howard told him to call Jay Leno. He said Jay cares what people think. Howard said Jay calls people who he offends.
Even said that he will appreciate what he has to say. Evan said one thing he has learned... Howard said he's boring him so he's got to stop. Even said ''Fuck you, Howard'' as Howard was hanging up on him. Howard said he could have just said he sucks instead of beating around the bush. Howard said if he listened to that guy he'd be done. Howard said he knows what to talk about. Howard went into a live commercial and then a commercial break.
After the break, around 9:50am, Howard came back and said that George Takei was kicked off The Apprentice last night. Robin said that she has more about that later.
Robin read about some Atheist signs that people are going to be posting around the area. Robin said that they're targeting closet atheists. Howard said he wants to be an atheist but he's afraid to. He said that it makes no sense that there's a god that would kick you out of heaven and kick you to hell. He said it makes no sense but he's afraid of God. Howard asked Robin if she's an atheist. Robin said she's not and she believes there is something but she's not sure what it is.
Robin read about Kirk Cameron not being able to kiss an actress in a movie he did so he had to have his real wife come in and stand in for the actual actress.
Robin mentioned that this week is Super Tuesday. She had some news about Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney. That led to Howard talking about how Obama is in trouble but the Republican party is so bad that they can't pull it together to go up against him. Robin had some audio clips of some of the guys. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read about President Obama talking about we have to back up Israel. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said it must be election time.
Robin said she's going to skip over the Rush Limbaugh news. She said that it's just ridiculous. Robin read about how FEMA is being blasted again after the tornadoes in the Mid-West. Robin had some audio of Ron Paul talking about that.
Robin read about a court case going on in Connecticut about a guy who allegedly ate another man's eyeballs and part of his brain. Robin said that the case is taking place today in Bridgeport.
Robin read about people who have in vitro fertilization and how there's a school that has 15 sets of twins because of it. Robin said that they say that the parents make rules about the kids not being separated and things like that. Howard said when they went to school they separated the twins. Robin said they needed their own identity apparently. Robin said that the parents want the kids to stay together so they can have the same homework and things like that. Howard said parents are idiots who just happen to have kids.
Robin had a story about a rapper by the name of Nipsy Hustle who performed somewhere and 14 people ended up getting injured in the bar. Robin had some of his music that she had Howard play. Howard said he will never understand rap. He said he doesn't get it.
Robin read about George Takei getting fired from Celebrity Apprentice last night. Robin said that he was the project manager in the show and their team lost. Robin had some audio of George talking about getting fired. Robin said he had Lou Ferrigno and Arsenio Hall in the board room with him. Howard said that they say that the ratings aren't that strong but the show sounds good to him with that line up.
Robin read about how Whitney Houston's name is probably going to be all over the Billboard top 10. Howard said that's very morbid to want to hear her music after she dies. Robin said a few of her albums are selling well and they will end up in the top 10. Howard said Robin did a story about doing a Whitney Houston movie and that would be really depressing. Howard said they should wait like 50 years before making that one.
Robin read about how Adele has the best selling digital song of all time with her song ''Rolling in the Deep.'' Howard wondered what the song is about. Robin said it's about love. Howard said he could never write a song if that's what it takes. He said he doesn't have those feelings. He said women have such emotion and so do some men. He said he doesn't feel that strongly about anything. They played some of Adele's music and Howard said he has to feel something and write a song. Howard ended up singing his own version of the song about how things are pretty good and not horrible. He sang about how he has no real feelings. Howard tried coming up with more lyrics but he was just singing about how he can't really think of anything. He sang about how he's not fucking a really fat chick and he's fucking someone he's attracted to. He said he's not feeling much of anything. Howard sang about feeling mediocre and nothing really special.
Robin read about Demi Moore getting out of rehab. Robin said that she got help for her eating disorder and some other issues. Now she's on vacation. Robin said she's in no rush to get back to Los Angeles. Howard said you'd think she'd want to get back to doing nothing.
Robin read about Lindsay Lohan's appearance on Saturday Night Live and how big the ratings were. Robin had some audio of her on the show. Howard said she was terrible. He said he hates to knock her down when she's already down but she wasn't good. Robin said there's no other time to knock her.
Robin said that Bruce Springsteen's new album ''Wrecking Ball'' is coming out soon. She said that there are songs about the economic crisis and things like that on the album. Howard said that's something he could write a song about.
Robin said that Britney Spears could end up on The X Factor as a judge. Howard said he spoke to Simon Cowell this weekend and they said they have Carmen Electra on The X Factor over there in Britain. Howard said he can see Britney taking a spot here. Howard said she could end up wearing outfits to show those big titties. Howard said she's all mental so he's all for it. Robin said that Kelly Clarkson is joining The X Factor and so are a bunch of others like Lionel Ritchie and others.
Robin had some audio of Academy Award Winner Christopher Plumber talking about growing up and seeing great cinema when he was growing up. Howard said they didn't have TV back then so he had to see movies.
Robin read about Tiger Woods and how he didn't win the tournament this weekend but he did have an incredible final round. Robin said he lost but they're saying he might be back to the old Tiger. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
,Jon and Gary also talked about the Imus story and what they thought about that. Jon and Gary spent a minute on that and then talked about Davy Jones for a few seconds before going to break.
Gary said he's the one who went in the bathroom and hit the wall. He said that Benjy told him he wasn't the one who did it when he heard him complaining. Jason said he thought that Benjy walked out and came and alerted him. Gary said it was the other way around.
Gary said he asked Tracey for the log of who was in there in the last half hour. He said he saw Jason was in there for 3 minutes and Scott was in there before him. Jason said that he could have been in there for 30 seconds but the maximum amount of time was 3 minutes. Jason said he doesn't remember it smelling bad that day. He said he only spent 3 minutes in there at the max. He said he's never said anything to anyone before. Benjy said it is a bathroom so it happens but he remembers walking in and the smell was bad. Gary said it was so bad he had to go investigate.
Benjy said he went in and peed and that was it. Jason said they're taking his word on that. Benjy said that he may have taken a dump in there in the past 6 years but he can't prove if it was him or not. Benjy said he would prefer to go to the public bathroom to shit. He said he pees in the bathroom there in the compound.
Jon said that Jason is trying to put it on Benjy and Scott is sitting there silently. Jon said that all signs point to Scott according to Scott.
Gary asked Scott if he can emphatically say that he did not shit in there last Wednesday. Scott said he can. He said he won't swear on his son's life though. Benjy said he gets that and he won't swear on anyone else's life either. Scott said he has done that in that bathroom but he reserves that for non-show days. Jason said they're all full of it. He said that they all lie.
Jon said that he pees in there all the time but he never takes a dump in there. Gary said that the log shows exactly when someone went into the bathroom. He said the timing doesn't work out for Jason or Benjy. Jason said that it takes much longer for him to shit than 3 minutes. He said he'd have to be taking an emergency shit and that's not the way he works. Jason said he can't remember every time he shits though.
Gary said that it's not supposed to happen in that bathroom. Jason said he's there a lot. He said that he spends more time there than he does at his own house. He said that he doesn't remember every time he uses that bathroom.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary is backing his boy Jason once again. Gary said the timing doesn't make sense. He said he's not saying he didn't do it but the timing doesn't seem to work. The caller said that Gary says he remembers when he last shit in there but Jason and Scott don't remember it.
Scott said he did not take a shit in there but it is possible that someone had violent gas. Scott said maybe that's what happened. He said it wasn't him though. Scott said that he will swear on his kid's life that he didn't shit. He said he didn't do it.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he thinks that Benjy didn't do it. He said he doesn't think Jason did it either but Scott must have done it. Scott said he didn't do it. He said the time line only shows when you enter. It doesn't show when you leave. Gary asked if he has to get video to show how long he was in there. Gary said it's true they only know when they went in. Gary said they have video of the hallway but not in the bathroom.
Jason said if he did it he'd admit it. He said he would flat out admit it. Jason said he will bring them through the process since they're so interested. Jason said that he doesn't like using that bathroom while the show is going on. He said all of Howard TV and the office are there. He said that he usually does it in the afternoon when the show is over. He said it would have to be an emergency for him to go during the show.
Jon said the Howard TV guys were talking about this earlier so they should come in and talk about it now if they want.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they're not going after Gary when he could done it. Gary said he swears on the life of his kids that the caller is a douche bag. Jon said that Jason has admitted that he's gone in there and he says he doesn't remember if he did go on Wednesday.
Benjy said he knows he didn't do it himself. Jason asked Gary to have them pull the tape so he can see how long he was in there. Jason said he can't disprove a negative. Benjy said he didn't defecate there on Wednesday either. He said it's not that unusual to remember when you shit and where. Jason said he doesn't keep a log book. He said he did shit before he came to work today though.
Jon asked Jason about the newspaper thing. Jason said about a year ago Tracey yelled at him about the newspaper thing in the bathroom. He said he always throws his away and she yelled at him the other day for leaving the papers in there. Jason was talking to Tim's assistant at the time and she's very cute. Jason said that she was yelling at him about his shits in the hallway. He said now he goes and reports when people leave the paper in the bathroom. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jason said he started reporting to Tracy about that and it's all USA Today newspaper. Tracey said that it became all USA Today after their discussion.
Gary said that Tracey has no sense of humor about the bathroom and she doesn't find even a joke about it to be funny. He said he told her that if you shake the tree hard enough a leaf might fall off. Gary said she told him that was disgusting.
Gary said that they found a pebble in the bathroom once and they never did figure out who left that in there. Jason said that it's one thing to piss on the floor, and know you did it, and not clean it up. He said that's just lazy. He said he cleans up if he does anything like that.
Jason said that he's going to go to Tracey whenever he sees anything in there. Jason said that he was in the main bathroom the other day and there was a puddle on the floor. He said it was disgusting. Gary said the bathroom at K-Rock was really disgusting.
Jon asked Gary who he thinks is reading the USA Today. Gary said that it's someone who might not be able to read and likes lots of color pictures.
Jon took a call from a guy who tried blaming Gary for the bathroom stink too. Gary said it wasn't him and that joke was already done earlier.
Another caller said maybe Benjy snuck in after Scott, shit, then swiped in after he was done so it didn't look like he was in there that long.
Captain Janks called in and said that Scott the Engineer has said on may occasions that he reads USA Today. Scott said he's never said that.
Gary said that he feels like Jonah is more from his generation than someone like Max Von Sidow. He wanted to see him win that Oscar. Jon asked if they feel great for him just being there. Gary said that he does. Gary said he thinks that he should be happy with just the nomination. He said he's still young so he has time to win one in the future. The guys had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show taking a phone call from a guy who asked if sex has gotten better since AGT. Howard asked if he means because he's so powerful from being a judge or if Beth is more turned on. The caller said it's the same thing. Howard said he is very sexy. The caller said he got his name painted on his parking space at work and that got him more sex.
Howard said sex has been fantastic and he doesn't think his status as a judge hasn't affected it. He said he thinks that he was better in bed once Simon Cowell called him to tell him how good he's been. Howard said Simon is a younger guy than him but he seems older the way he speaks. Howard said he's like a kid to Simon's elder statesman. Howard said he tends to do that with everyone though. He has to work on that in therapy. Robin said she thinks he's like a mover and shaker in the business. She said he has that kingly attitude toward life. Howard said Simon is 52 and he's 58.
The caller had another question so he told him not to hang up on him. Howard said he can't talk to that guy. He said he's too anxious. He said the next question is so lame. Robin said it's basically the same question.
Howard said he was spending time pulling his wardrobe together for America's Got Talent. He said he has these John Varvatos clothes and he had to tweak a few things. He said some stuff came back and he had to have it a little longer here and there.
Howard said he was at the Knicks game wearing John Varvatos. He said he has a fitting for some suits coming up too. He said that's with his buddy Anthony. Howard said his mother used to take him shopping when he was a kid an he hated it so much that he hired Ralph to do his shopping. Howard said they do need him for the fitting though. He said it works out because he's happy when he's wearing stuff that fits. He said the John Varvatos jeans even fit him. He showed Robin. Howard showed Benjy too. Benjy said his ass does look good in those. Fred ended up playing the Joe Rogan ''great ass'' bit that they used to play a lot. Howard said he was listening to that the other day when they played a replay of one of their first shows there. Howard said that it was great back when they started out on Sirius.
Howard asked Robin if she saw the latest The Walking Dead episode. Robin said she hasn't seen it. She said that it's not on her On Demand. Robin said her TiVo is broken so she can't record anything. Robin said she has to get it fixed and she hasn't gotten around to it.
Howard said he's going out to St. Louis this week and then he's going to Texas the week after. He said St. Louis is only an hour and a half flight. He said the Texas flight is 3 and a half hours. Robin thought they had gone out there once but Howard said they never did. They talked about a nutty judge that was down there and put a warrant out for Howard's arrest. Howard said there are some nutty people out there.
Howard played the clip and Mustaine was talking to the host about gay marriage and other things. Dave said he's not gay so he doesn't support gay marriage. He said he's Christian and the answer is no to all of his questions.
Howard said that guy is so angry sounding. He said he got a letter from a guy who said that he's heterosexual bashing by supporting gay rights. Howard said the email yesterday was really weird. He found the email he was talking about and read what the person wrote. Howard said the guy was complaining about him being judgmental about heterosexuals when he bashes someone like Kirk Cameron. The writer said it doesn't help the show. Howard said some guy called in yesterday to give some constructive criticism and he doesn't need that kind of stuff. Howard said that he knows what's good for the show. Howard said the guys who work there are the people he takes advice from. He said Richard and Sal don't seem to be part of the show lately though. He said he thinks they're more concerned with their comedy show. Howard asked Gary if he feels that way too.
Gary said he thinks that Sal and Richard don't want to be on the air for some reason. He said that they used to give them money to do the gay stuff and they don't do it anymore. Howard said that they don't seem to be into the show anymore. Gary said that they seem to think everything is fine lately. Howard said they're not that much a part of the show anymore and maybe it's time to fire them and get different people in there. Robin said they used to be a lot more present on the show. Howard said he forgets about them. He doesn't really rely on them anymore. He said they're just doing their own thing. Robin said they keep locked up back there.
Howard said he thinks they should just fire them. He said if they do that then they can't replace them. He said that if they do that then they won't be able to get money for anyone else. He said they charge them for building repairs and they can't afford it. Howard said they're trying to diminish his spirit there.
Sal came in and said that he tries to be part of the show as much as he can. Howard said he doesn't come running in anymore. Sal said if he doesn't feel he fits in then he won't bother him. Sal said they're always working on games and prank calls and stuff. He said they do all of that horse shit.
Gary said that Sal and Richard stopped coming to him because they hate hearing ''no'' to their bits. Sal said that's not true. Howard told Sal to get out. Sal said that's what he's talking about. He said they're back there working on bits and they don't want to bother the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was watching Howard TV and he thought about how they never see them on the show anymore. Howard asked where Richard is. Sal seems to be the spokesperson. Sal said he doesn't speak for Richard. He said that they've pitched bits for the show and they get turned down. Richard came in too and one of them pulled down their pants. Richard said they don't want to bother Howard during the week. He said they turned in a bunch of new stuff.
Sal said they have 7 bits from them that are about a week old. Gary said they're about a month old. Gary said they don't turn in as much stuff as they used to. Howard asked if Richard wanted to try and suck his own cock. Richard said he could try. He tried but he can't bend that well. Howard told him to try doing it on his back. Richard tried doing it on the couch. Sal was helping and so was Will. Will was trying to push his legs. Howard said all he could see was the big, gaping asshole in his face. Richard asked him what else he wanted him to do naked. Howard said it looks like he's still shaving his balls. Richard said he does.
Richard said that they're there every day working. He said they don't take off. Richard said that they do turn in their best stuff to him. Howard said maybe they don't know what their best stuff is. Howard kicked them out but Richard was still naked. Howard said he has to shave his ass. He said he's like a rooster with that red back there.
Howard said he has to have a meeting with them. He said he's been lazy lately. Robin said that Dave Mustaine was kicked out of Metallica because of what a drugged out mess he was. Howard said a lot of those guys get into religion and you wish that they'd be drunks again. He said the religion thing is overbearing. He said he doesn't think being Christian has to go hand in hand with being against gay people.
The caller said that Michelle Bachman was on Piers Morgan last night and Piers was asking her about what she thinks about Kirk Cameron. He said she just kept saying that she's not a judge. Howard said that she is a judge and so is her husband. He said that's all they do is judge people. He said he's been reading up on her so he can bash her when he has to. Howard said he's sure that her husband can't cure anyone from being gay like he thinks he can.
Howard said Eric is great on the phone but he calms up in front of stars. He said that he's pussy struck too. Howard said that Tia was being really nice to Eric and he just grunts to her. Howard said that Tia asked him a question and he couldn't even answer it. Doug didn't remember that. Howard asked if he had the clip so he could play it. Doug said he'd get it.
Howard said Eric was talking to the producer about meeting Tia. Howard said he was looking at her like he had no idea who she was. Howard said it was like when Don Rickles had Sinatra come over to his table just to impress a chick. Then he tells Sinatra to get the fuck away from his table. He said that Tia was trying to get a conversation going and Eric was just sitting there. Howard said it was a very awkward situation.
Eric said he knew who she was but he didn't know she was on that season of the show. Howard said he seems very distant. Robin said he gets star struck. Eric said he does sometimes.
Doug said they have the clip of Eric talking to Tia. He played the clip and Eric was talking to her about being in Wayne's World and movies like that. Tia was talking about what she's been in and Eric wasn't saying much. Shuli and Mike Gange were saying more and speaking for him.
Howard said that Eric had nothing to say in that clip. He said he froze. He said that Shuli was filling in the blanks for him. Howard said they dragged her to the trailer and Eric had nothing to say to her. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Eric. Howard said he really froze. Eric said he doesn't speak like that. Howard said he really does. Eric said he doesn't and Fred did an impression of him saying that he doesn't speak like that. Howard said Eric is much different on the phone. Howard said pussy slows him down. He said that's like his Kryptonite.
Howard said that Eric also insulted her by saying he remembered her from Wayne's World. Howard said that's old stuff she did millions of years ago. Howard said they don't want to hear that. He said you have to mention newer stuff. Howard said that Eric was like that at America's Got Talent. He said that he was kind of star struck with him. Howard asked if Eric was still there. Robin said that it's like he's seeing Tia again.
Eric said he was waiting for Howard to stop talking so he can talk. Eric said he's calling for a number of reasons. Howard asked him to stick to one. Eric asked if, in a few weeks, when Marty's movie ''Mirror, Mirror'' comes out if he can go down and interview the cast at the premier. Howard said the problem sending him to a premier is that he won't ask the questions they give him. He said Eric won't ask offensive questions. He said the funny aspect is getting someone to ask funny questions. He said that Eric won't do that. Howard said it's not that funny when they send him out to those events. Howard said he gets why Eric doesn't want to do that. He said maybe they can borrow his wheelchair and send Shuli out to ask the questions. Howard said maybe Lisa G in a wheelchair will get her moved up to the front of the line.
Howard said their budget is kind of tight these days so he can't afford it. Howard said that they charge him for repairs around there now so he doesn't have much of a budget. Howard said they've been charged for equipment upgrades in the past year too. He said it's a whole new thing that someone dreamt up. Howard said there are some people who think about him 99 percent of their day. He said that they don't try to get the stock price up, they just think about him. Howard said it's beautiful. He said that's some way to run a company.
Eric said he had a couple of other things to say. He said his iPhone app is 99 cents now. Howard said he was charging too much for that thing. He said it was like $2.99. Eric said that's correct. Howard asked how many people bought it at that price. Eric said it was quite a few. He said they're lowering it because there was a demand for them to lower it. Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip while Eric was talking about that. Howard said maybe he should charge $700,000 for the app and just sell one. He said maybe Sam Simon or someone like that will buy it.
Eric said that they've been asking him to talk about the Viper Room thing too. Howard asked him what this app includes. Eric said they have 8 sound bytes in the app and some wallpaper. He said that they also submitted a new version with more sounds and more wallpaper in it. Howard said it's basically a picture of Eric on the phone. Eric said he has an idea for the third wallpaper. He said that it will play on the joke about him not being able to do math. He said it'll be him trying to do math on a chalkboard. Howard said he loves that Eric doesn't think he speaks like he does. Fred did his impression of Eric again. Howard said he likes that idea of the Eric math problem picture. Eric said it'll be a drawing and not a picture.
Howard said there's an app you can buy that will play music and then this naked guy comes out and squeegee's the screen. Howard said Ralph has it of course. He said it's really funny because people think he's gay. Howard said if Eric would just put on a thong and came dancing up at a strip club and did that with the screen he'd sell 10 million of those things. Howard said he always ha a cartoon drawing of himself instead. Howard said he has to do something outrageous. Eric said he was thinking of that because people think he can't do math and think he's not in on the jokes. He said he is in on the joke.
Robin said she heard that Eric getting the lap dances at the Viper Room were crazy so maybe he should put something like that on there. Howard said that would be great. He said it would be great if Eric was cleaning the screen instead of a chipendales dancer. He said he'd pay for that. Howard said maybe if he was in a wig and playing the part of the woman from Poltergeist. He said he could say ''All are welcome...step into the light.''
Howard said he bets that Eric only sold like 3. Eric said no. Howard asked if it was 100. Eric said it was higher. Fred played ''Zero point zero'' again. Howard said Eric has 8 whole sounds on that app. Fred played some clips of Eric saying ''I'm club fucking footed you asswipe.'' Eric said they have ''Ack, ack'' coming up in the next version.
JD came in and said that he bought it for $2.99. He played the sounds they have on there. They have Eric saying ''Shut the hell up for a minute.'' JD said he looked at it once and that was it. He said he doesn't use the wallpaper. He said he played the sounds once and that's it. JD said he has no desire to look at Eric. Eric said no one wants to look at JD either.
Howard said he wants to see real pictures of Eric. He saw that they were cartoon drawings. Howard said that app is pretty shitty. Howard said he could come up with a better app. He said Eric would have to do a little work though.
Howard said he'd have Eric cleaning the screen and coming up and talking to people on the screen. Howard said he could do much better. Eric said that he was thinking about having Howard, Robin and Gary giving some advice about writing a book about being on the show the past 10 years. Howard said his advice is to go back and listen to all of the appearances and write about them. Eric said he wants to know which people to go with. Howard said he should write the book first. He said that he went with Judith Regan but he thinks she was drummed out of the business. Robin said she's writing her book for Avery but she's not sure they'd want to publish Eric's book. She said that maybe they can go to a book fair.
Howard said Eric's problem is that he's not honest enough. He said if he told the true Eric story he'd buy the book. Eric said he'd be honest in the book. Howard said he has to really open up about everything. He said he has to talk about his insecurities and everything like that. Eric said that would talk about what goes on when he's on and off the air. Howard said he doesn't think that he's going to be honest enough. He said he could be fascinating. Howard said he'd have to drag everything out of him in an interview and then transcribe it. Howard said he's too busy being a judge though so he doesn't have the time. Howard said he would love the real Eric story. He said he has to go anyway. He let Eric go. Eric said he'd talk to him later. Howard said that app is now 99 cents. You can find it in the Apple app store.
Sam said that he's friends with the guy who is putting up the Atheist boards. He said the guy is a Superfan and they have compiled all of Howard's quotes about religion and the quote ''You know it's a myth'' is from Howard. He said that Howard is like their god. Howard said they should put up a billboards of him then. Sam said that they say that Howard is an atheist in deliberate denial. Howard said he thinks that's what he is.
Howard said he got an email about the whole atheist thing and people were saying that he doesn't even know what it really means. Howard said he doesn't get what the guy was saying anyway. Howard said he is afraid to not believe. He said he was forced into going to religious services as a kid and he's so indoctrinated that he can't help but be a little afraid. He said that religion was invented to control man. He said he believes that.
Sam had more quotes from Howard. He read one about Howard talking about dying and going into the earth and being eaten by worms. Howard said that shows that your energy never dies. He said that the worms eat you and then they shit you out. Robin said that everything they do is energy and what happens when it stops. Howard said it just goes away. Howard said that the worms take the energy. He said they shit it out and it goes into the soil and the plants get that. Howard said this energy you have just goes away. Robin said that energy can't be destroyed though.
Sam said that Bill Maher said in 1999 that he believes in god and asked Howard if he does. Howard said he didn't. Howard said that it's weird because he respects the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi but he's written about the existence of god. Howard said that his Transcendental Meditation isn't a religion but people think it is.
Sam was going to go but he threw out that he's tweeting @SimonSam for those who want to follow. Howard said everyone he twos wants Twitter followers. Howard said the biggest person on Twitter is Lady Gaga with like 20 million followers. He said that someone else has 18 million. He said he can't remember who it is though. Robin looked it up and found it was Justin Bieber. She read off a bunch of other big ones on there like Katy Perry with 15 million followers. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Howard said he has Aaron Smith on the phone. He wrote a book about picking up girls. Howard picked up on Aaron and found out he's kind of like a JD looking guy. Howard said the name of the book is ''Secrets of the Craigslist Conqueror.''
Howard asked Aaron what he does for a living. He said he's in sales so he does a lot of travel. Aaron said that he was divorced and very lonely when someone told him about Craigslist. He said that everything else he tried failed for him. He said there are all kinds of things going on over there at Craigslist. He said that he didn't jump in head first. He said most of what he did was him writing things that stood out over everyone else's stuff. He said he found the wilder he went the better he did. He said that he wrote a post called 'You Dirty, Worthless Whore'' is the kind of thing that would get the attention of women. He said he would talk to them directly as if they were right there in front of him. He said he would tell the women that he would give it to them tonight because they're looking for it. He said being direct is the best way to get to them. He said not every woman wants to be a dirty little whore though.
Aaron said he just had some fun with the ads and he would make himself laugh and it worked for him. Howard said that he read that he had sex with more than 120 women in 18 months with this. He asked what other ads he had. Aaron said he would offer to be a dom for women that wanted to be a sub. He said he had role playing ads and things like that. He said that he had stuff that was outside of that where he would have ads about having sex in a public place and things like that. Aaron said he had all kinds of different ads.
Howard asked if he buys the book does he just use his ads and change his name. Aaron said he could do that. He said anyone who buys the book is free to use them but they should use their own fantasies to do that. Howard asked what he should do if he's a fat fuck that doesn't look so good. Aaron said that the woman has to make the decision and she might not plan to date you so she's just doing it for the fantasy. He said if she's into the fantasy she'll go with it. Howard asked if he should send his best picture or his worst. Aaron said that he should post what will work with the fantasy.
Howard said when he met Robin for the first time she asked where the guy in the picture was. Aaron said he should send a picture that's realistic. He said you can't send a picture from 20 years ago. He said it should be flattering but something current.
Howard asked if he should go to her place or have her come to his. Aaron said that you have to be flexible. He said if you can't host then you may not be successful.
Aaron said that there are a lot of great places to get women too. He said big cities are great. Howard asked if he can get college chicks. Aaron said he's gotten a lot and they do amazing things. He said every woman he's met can't just get laid by asking a man around her. He said they're looking for more than that. Howard asked if they're 10s or 4s. Aaron said a lot of them are 10s and he's never had a 4. He said that he has had some 5s. Howard asked if they're model caliber. Aaron said they are. He said he met one girl in the middle of the night once. He said it was a college girl who said she wanted to lose her anal virginity. Howard asked how you know if it's a real chick or not. Aaron said he's never seen a dude show up but he's had guys respond to the ads. He said that they do warn you about it ahead of time if they do respond to your ad.
Howard asked what he wrote back to this woman who wanted to lose her anal. Aaron said that he talked her through the whole thing and he could feel her getting hotter and hotter over email. He said that after about an hour she told him she anted him to come over. Aaron told her what to wear and he showed up to her dorm. Aaron said they had dorm sex and it was the most awesome thing ever. He said she was a 10. Howard asked why she can't just hook up with someone from the college. Aaron said she didn't feel comfortable doing that in her social circle.
Aaron said there are women who aren't comfortable communicating some fantasies. He said that some women want to do things that they can't talk to anyone about. He said they would look dirty and slutty doing it and they don't want to be exposed. Howard said that you never know who is going to show up at your door. He said that Aaron is saying that anyone who isn't' that attractive can get laid a lot.
Howard said JD should try it. Howard asked JD if he would try it. JD said that he has tried it. He said that he didn't get responses. He said that there are a lot of fake ads and escorts on there so he doesn't want to be bothered. Howard asked what JD should do then. Aaron said the fake ads are easy to spot and he talks about that in his book. He said he tells people how to avoid the time wasters.
Howard asked what you tell a woman when she asks if he's an axe murderer. Aaron said that he will just come out and tell them straight up what he's going to do and how he's not a murderer who is going to hurt her. He said she will put down her defenses if you tell her what you're really going to do.
Howard said that Benjy has done this too. Benjy said that he tried and he expected it to work. He said that you just put out the fishing line and get it. Howard said Benjy is no charmer but he got tons of girls. Aaron said it's exactly like fishing. He said you put the lines out and you don't spend 100 percent of your time on there. He said that you won't be successful every night you do it. He said it was well worth it when it worked out though.
Aaron said he met a girl on Craigslist and he's dating her now. Howard asked Benjy if he's ever dated anyone from Craigslist. Benjy said there are some amazing chicks on there. Howard said he'd be afraid that the girl would turn him down. Benjy said that does happen but he can usually tell when they're not into it but they go through with it anyway. Howard said that's a win... kinda.
Aaron said if you're good at selling the fantasy and she knows what you look like then they're going to go through with it. Benjy said that he disagrees with the picture thing. He said that if you show up in person they'll usually go through with it. Howard said he'd be afraid of being turned down. Benjy said he wanted to be anonymous because then no one gives a fuck anyway. He said he rejected some girls but he felt horrible about it.
Howard asked Aaron if he's rejected anyone. Aaron said he has never had a rejection or rejected anyone after getting pictures and chatting with someone.
Robin asked if Aaron has ever had a famous person. Aaron said he hasn't. Benjy said he had four or five famous people he was with. He said they weren't A-list celebrities but they were pretty well known. Gary said they know about one.
Gary asked what made Benjy turn women down. Benjy said he would see a hot picture and in person he wasn't feeling it so he'd turn them down. Aaron said that women are so concerned about being turned down that they'll send a real picture. He said they're too afraid of being turned down if they're not what you expect.
Gary asked how you avoid the whole legal thing like if you go in on a rape fantasy. Aaron said that he will meet a woman and get to know her before doing something like that. He said that he's not just going to go in on a first date and rape her.
Howard asked how much Aaron weighs. He said he's 230 pounds and 5'10'' tall. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's been doing this for a couple of weeks and he's gotten laid. He said he did get played the other day though. He said that he showed up to the hotel and the girl didn't show up. He said she showed up an hour late and it turned out to be a fat dude. He said he thought it was her dad or a boyfriend at first. He said the guy was looking for the same girl. The guy asked Aaron if that's happened to him. Aaron said that hasn't happened. He said he would meet her for a drink first at a hotel.
Howard said you can find out more about Aaron's book at CraigslistConqueror.com
Howard asked Robin if she would ever do anything like this. Robin said no. Gary said he met a woman once who had a fantasy about having all three orifices filled at once. Gary asked Benjy if he could tell the story about going to the orgy. Benjy didn't remember that but he told him to go ahead. Gary said that he went to an orgy ad and he showed up and there were like 6 guys watching football. He said the guy asked where the orgy was and they told him to go to the back room. Benjy said that wasn't him. Gary said it must have been someone else. Benjy said he hates sports so he wouldn't have gone to that one.
Aaron said if JD wants his help he'll do what he can for him. Howard said JD ran out of there. He said he's all defeated. Aaron said that he'll do it in secret if he wants him to help. He said he will personally tutor him if he wants the help. He said he could help him out and have him going out on his own within a month or so. Howard said everyone has failed when they've taken him under their wing. Aaron said he can help and he will get JD laid.
Howard told JD to get back in there. He said it sounds like it's right up his alley. He said it's better than paying chicks to jerk off online. JD said this is a weird thing and he doesn't want people helping him. He said he just wants to be left alone. Howard said he must want to get laid. JD said he doesn't know. Howard said he doesn't understand what he's saying. Aaron told him to come to his web site and just contact him if he wants some help. JD was rolling his eyes according to Howard. Aaron said he's there to help him if he wants it. JD said he will go there if the need arises. Howard said JD won't do it. He said he's annoyed.
Aaron said there are women out there who like overweight guys with facial hair. Howard asked if there are hot ones. Aaron said there are. He said there are women that would go for his look. Aaron said he knows JD could do it if he really wanted to. He said he doesn't want to pressure him though. Howard said he would want him to do it on the air. He said he doesn't want him doing it anonymously. JD said he knows that. That's why he's not doing it. Howard said he must want to be with a chick who has a daddy fantasy.
Howard said he hopes JD contacts him because he would love to hear more about this. Aaron said he'll be there for him or anyone else who wants help. He said he's at CraigslistConqueror.com for anyone who wants to contact him.
Howard let Aaron go and spent a couple of minutes talking to JD. Fred was doing his impression of JD and goofing on him the whole time. Howard threw in Ronnie's ''Dude'' clips too. Howard said he bets that Ronnie would help JD out with this. He said JD could be ''Greasy Jesus'' on Craigslist. Howard said JD could get laid and he wouldn't have to pay for it. Howard had a dueling ''dude'' thing going on with the Ronnie clips. Howard told JD he should just do it. Ronnie said that JD is going to Chicago and Arizona and he'll get him laid at the show. He said he'll make sure that a chick goes to his room with him. JD said he has been contacted about women who are interested and stuff. Howard asked what happens. JD said this is the second trip. Ronnie said he would have thrown that dude out at the last show.
Ronnie said he has chicks who want to do JD and they're contacting him on Twitter. JD said they're probably dudes. Robin asked if JD can close the deal if the girl is in the room with him. JD said that he doesn't know. Howard said he has to move in on the girls. JD said he knows what he has to do. Howard told him to pretend to be a girl. JD said he's not going to do this.
Ronnie told JD that he'll be the girl. He talked to JD about coming up to his room. JD said he has to shave first. He said he can't do this. Ronnie was speaking to him in a girl's voice. JD was laughing and not playing along very well. He said he might move in for a kiss once they're in his room. Ronnie said he has to watch a movie or something. He said JD might be too aggressive. Howard asked if ''Rhonda'' is a cougar. Ronnie said that he's a GILF. JD was laughing and hooting in the background as Howard was trying to talk to Rhonda. JD said he was still seeing Ronnie.
Ronnie said they're going to be going on the trip on March 30th or something. He said there are chicks who want to hang with JD. He said they would love to meet him. Howard said they probably have boyfriends. Ronnie said the Craigslist thing is too scary.
Howard told the guys to go off and practice. Robin said she can't wait for this trip to happen. She asked if Howard would do the Craigslist thing. Howard said he's scared of that whole thing like Ronnie is. Robin said she was afraid for Benjy when he was doing it. Howard said it seems kind of dangerous to him too. Howard said that Benjy was way into it. Benjy said that he could get laid from it and the chicks were very hot. He said there were some ugly ones but there were very hot ones too. Howard asked if he wasn't able to get it up for any of the chicks. Benjy said no. He said there were stinky chicks though.
Benjy said some of the hot girls were smelly. He said he tried suggesting a bath. He said he told her that she stinks down there so she kicked him out. Howard asked if it was ass or vagine. Benjy said it was vagine. Benjy said that she just wanted to do it and not wash up. Benjy said he had to tell her she smelled. He thought he was being nice. Howard said they don't want to hear that. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and got in a plug for the upcoming Triple X Factor game they have coming soon. Howard said you can find out how to enter at SiriusXM.com/Howard
Howard said he has so much to do and so much to play. Howard said he's going to St. Louis for 3 days of auditions. He said that he didn't know there would be so many out there. Howard said Beth is going to come out with him but she's going home early. Howard said all he does is sit in his room out at these things. Howard said he has to be prepared.
Robin asked what Howie does. Howard said he'll hang in the lobby talking to people. He said he'll even go running on the day of the show. Howard said Howie doesn't care about losing his voice or anything like that. Howard said Sharon will go and do her show ''The Talk'' and then she'll show up for this thing. He said she's very busy doing stuff. Howard said no one is as neurotic as he is. Howard said they've been doing it longer than him too though.
Robin said there are some people who don't think that much about it and performing is just part of their day. Howard said he's not like that. Robin said she saw Samuel L. Jackson after doing a Broadway play and he was meeting people and taking pictures. Howard said he figures that people like that aren't at the top of their game. Howard said Lindsay Lohan is out partying until 2 in the morning and then going to a club after that. Howard said he doesn't understand functioning like that.
Howard said every week he has a different take on America's Got Talent. He said he'll tell Howie he had an Epiphany and he'll go tell the producers about it so they know. Howard said he just tells Howie about it in private so the producers don't interfere. Howard said he's just trying to figure the whole thing out. Howard said Howie loves to talk. He said he loves to Yenta it up.
Howard said he knows that he'll be doing a photo shoot in St. Louis. Howard said they're doing some kind of pictures and he's not even sure what it is. He said he's confused about the whole thing. He said that it's something they use at the start of the show. Howard said someone was trying to figure out if he should wear different clothes. Howard said he has to wear the same stuff all 3 days that he's there. Howard said he likes that because he doesn't have to think about what to wear. Howard said he carries the one outfit and a t-shirt and boxers to sleep in. Howard said he brings his Ambien and rubbers. Robin forgot that Beth was going so she almost asked what he needed rubbers for.
Jon Leiberman came in and said that it was in a pattern and it was six cupcakes. He said that unless someone matched the pattern then it was Benjy. He said that Benjy had some other food in his hand and he was clearly reading the whole thing. Jon said that they also found out that Benjy has put on 10-12 pounds in the past few weeks. He said that led to speculation that his relationship is having problems. Either that or he's stressing out over the whole thing. Benjy said he has no pressure so he has to figure out how to put the pressure on himself.
Jon said that Benjy had his publicist put out a statement about the whole station. Howard asked why he has a publicist. Benjy said he's trying to get something going. Howard said he can't imagine what's going on there.
Jon said that the publicist sounds like a mix of High Pitch Mike and High Pitch Eric. Jon read the quote he got from the publicist and he was talking about plastic surgery. Howard said they're getting too into Benjy and he doesn't want to hear it. He told Jon to stay away from Benjy and he'll be better off. Howard said he had to move on from that whole thing.
Howard played another one of Ali's songs. Howard said she should have auditioned for America's Got Talent. Howard said he hasn't found anyone yet on that show. He said that he's going to unload if he doesn't find anyone that can be a winner out there. Howard said he has to start gearing up for that.
Howard said Ali is hot and she can sing. Howard said that's kind of cool. He said she's Dustin Hoffman's daughter too. Howard said he sees these kids on AGT who sing really foofy songs. He said he doesn't get it. Robin said she's seen that on American Idol too. She said they do point it out. Howard played a little more and then went to break.
Howard came back and said he's happy to see that J-Lo's new show failed. Howard said he doesn't want her having success. Howard asked Jon Hein if he's right about her show tanking. Jon said he's got it right. The show was on FOX on Saturday night and it tanked. He said he thinks that show got on because she signed on to do American Idol. Howard said she has enough success. He said that she's terrible on American Idol. He said they gave her another American Idol-like show and she failed. He said he's glad that she did.
Howard said Sal and Richard called Tradio again. Howard said the announcer gets really flustered by them. Howard played the clip and it was actually a Swap Shop show they called. This time Sal called in as a guy who had some items for sale. Richard played the wife who asked about some piss porn videos they had in the garage. The host got so flustered that he hit a commercial instead of the phone. The next caller said she can't believe how stupid people are. The host took another call and said they were screening the calls and they won't get through again. Richard was the next caller. He said that it is making it harder to get through for the rest of the people. Richard said he was going to cream hearing his voice. The guy said he ''almost'' got through. He took another call and it was Sal calling in doing a really deep voice and asking about Richard's ''truck box'' and making some sexy sounds. The host had to go to some music.
Howard said that music was older than the music Ali Hoffman sings. Howard said the host was really thrown off by their calls. Howard said Richard and Sal have gotten that guy before. He said he had their other call when they called in with a Scrabble thing. Howard played that call too. In that one the host gives a ''Scrabble word'' for people to unscramble. He gave the letters TUIHPAOPMSPO. Then Sal calls in asking him to repeat them and Sal gets them all wrong when he repeats them. The host, Ron, hangs up on him. Then Richard calls in and asks if it's Bukakke. A woman calls in and solves it as hippopotamus. Richard called back trying to guess after it was solved. He tried a couple of times even though it was solved already. He asked if it was Anilingus. Sal called in and asked if it was Douchebag. Then the host announces that the calls are coming from the Howard Stern Show. One of the guys there said it was from ''Cyrus'' not knowing how to pronounce ''Sirius.'' Howard said he finds it hard to believe that a guy in the radio business doesn't know how to say Sirius.
Howard said that he got on Sirius by being really good. He said the host's logic didn't make sense. He was saying that Howard Stern is underground now that he's on satellite. Howard said that he would kill himself if he had to do Tradio for a living. Howard said they can't be making much doing those shows.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said that his Letterman appearances is repeating on Thursday. Howard didn't understand what he said at first. Robin said she thinks it's too much tissue in his mouth that interrupts.
Eric asked if he, Mariann and Bobo could come to the taping of America's Got talent. Howard said he's not sure how many tickets he'll have but he would like to let them come. Howard asked Gary if they have a list. Gary said they have a list and they are building it. Howard put Eric on hold so they could set him up. Gary said Mariann is already on the list. Howard said he can give them each 2. Howard asked Eric if he has a date. Eric said he is plus 1. Howard said he doesn't know a girl so he's coming alone.
Gary said the news department told him that Eric is at 370 pounds. Howard said he's a really fat fuck. Eric said he is not. Howard said must be drinking a lot of soda. Eric said he does. Eric said that Jon Leiberman was at his apartment and he was surprised at how clean it was.
Howard said he saw a guy on the internet who weighed 700 pounds. He said that he made a video asking for help on the internet. Howard said the guy is 700 pounds and he's a mess. Howard said he put out a video asking for help and hoped it would go viral. Howard said they describe how he sits and eats pizza and drinks soda all day long. Howard said that's the worst thing you could eat. Howard said some guy came forward and is willing to help. Howard said that he's not sure if it'll help. Robin said he has to have mental issues too. She said there are metabolic and physical issues.
The guys showed shots of this 700 pound guy on the monitors. Howard said he thinks that he might be able to get laid on Craigslist.
Sal came in and told Howard they have a huge number of babysitter porn videos on TubeGalore.com. He told Howard to check that out instead. Howard said he's seen the YouPorn stuff multiple times so maybe it's time to move on to that other site. Howard said he has never had an issue with babysitter porn before. Howard said he's not sure why it was gone.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff pulled to play and now it's all gone. Howard asked if Scott did it again. Howard said that Scott is shaking his head no. Scott said he's been very careful. Howard said it's all gone. Scott said he wasn't even on the page. He said he didn't change anything. Howard said it's all gone. Howard said he wants to be out of the system so Scott can't erase it.
High Pitch asked who goes into his studio. Howard said he's not sure who did it. He said it's all gone though. Howard asked Gary where it is. He said this is crazy. He said all of that work is gone. Gary said he has the guy who runs the system coming down to look at it. Howard said he pulls over about 50 things he wants to play and it was there an hour ago. Howard asked of Scott has been pulling the news stuff. Robin said he has. Howard said he had to have done it again. Gary said he saw Howard pull stuff over to his page. Howard said he's not sure what to do now. Gary said they have their guy coming down to answer questions. Howard said he wants to know where it all is.
Gary said he can get him a screen shot and he can pull them again. Howard said that the most important thing is that no one pulls his shit. Howard told Gary to get the list so he can recreate it. He said he was pulling them from all over the place.
Gary asked if he played the Pat Robertson stuff. Howard said he didn't so Gary told him where it was. Howard pulled it back over. Gary said he had the list. He went through all of that and Howard pulled stuff over as he was going over it. Howard said he's so annoyed he can't even tell him. Howard said he has to fire people there.
Howard said this is so unprofessional. He said that he has to fire people. He said that Scott had to have done it. He said he wants him locked out of his page. Howard said this is so interesting to the audience. Gary was over by Howard telling him what to pull. Howard said he should fire everyone.
Howard said he had a bunch of people yelling out Baba Booey and he wanted to play that. Gary wasn't sure what he was talking about. Howard said this is very frustrating to him. He said he spends all morning putting it together and then Scott messes around and it disappears.
Howard apologized to the audience because he spends his morning doing this so they don't have to hear this. Howard said someone has access to that page and wipes out all of what he did. He said that he knows people don't want to hear this. He said he knows it's ridiculous. Howard said Scott is the one guy who has access and he denies doing it. Howard said everyone is laughing at him. Robin said she's not laughing. She said she feels his pain.
Howard said now he's all fucked in the head and doesn't want to play this stuff. He said he can't get past it. Howard said this first clip is a woman choking on air. He said she's a channel 7 weather girl. Howard said he's not sure where she's from though. Her name is Amy Freeze. Amy was doing her report and she started to cough. She tried to keep going and kept coughing. She had to ask for a glass of water. Howard said they weren't helping her and they're just like his staff. Howard said Gary doesn't even know where this clip came from. Amy gets a drink of water and the news anchors had no idea what to do.
Howard said it happened to her the next day too. Howard said she started choking again. Howard played that clip and Amy started her report and she immediately started having problems. Howard said they have to get rid of her. Howard said they just turned off her mic. Howard said he thinks that you get freaked out and it just keeps happening to you.
Howard said there was this guy who was caught looking at kiddie porn and he claims that he has a tumor and the tumor made him look at kiddie porn. Howard played the audio of the guy talking about the tumor and how he had a split personality because of this tumor on his spine. The guy claims that he remembers watching himself from a distance watching the kiddie porn. The guy's wife backed up her husband. Howard said of course she did.
Howard asked Gary where a clip was. Gary told him it was on a JD page so Howard pulled that one. Howard said this guy is in Seattle and he's a reporter who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. He describes something as ''big ass'' and they later re-ran the report where they pulled that and had him describe it as something else. Robin said they have played this before. Howard said they fixed the clip and the guy says ''this big'' instead of ''big ass'' as he's describing a tow truck. Howard said he liked it the other way. He said he can't imagine what he was thinking when he said ''big ass truck.''
King of All Blacks called in and said that he looked up panty sniffing on YouPorn and it wasn't working for him. Howard said he's glad he doesn't look that stuff up. He said King is into sniffing panties and feet. King told Howard about the stuff he was watching. Howard said that sounds like what King would do himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he's doing. Howard said he was doing fine until the snafu. Howard said that his own guys erase his work. Howard said he needs his own computer that no one can get to. The caller mumbled something and Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Robin said that Howard's pages should be only for him. The caller said Howard should be able to lock them. Howard said he should be able to do that.
Howard said he thinks that Scott was pulling the news for Robin and he thought his page was Robin's and erased his stuff. Howard said he knows he didn't erase it. Howard said he's going to blame Scott for this one. The caller sounded out of it so Howard asked what he does for a living being so mush mouthed. The caller said that he has insomnia and he's really tired. He said he just can't sleep. Howard said that's not possible. Howard said eventually you'll go to sleep. The caller said he is on a couple of drugs and he still doesn't sleep. He said he's had this over 13 years. Howard asked what he does for a living. The guy said he's unemployed right now. He said he has arthritis and some other ailments. Howard asked if he has cerebral palsy. The guy said ''what?'' so Howard bailed on the call. He said he just can't talk to this guy.
Another caller said that Howard has to fire some people around there. Howard said he has people screwing him over so bad and he doesn't have the heart to fire them. The caller said he's too good of a man. Howard said he doesn't have the heart to fire anyone.
The caller asked if Howard would take over Letterman's sot when he retires. Howard said he's not interested in that. He said he can't do bits every day and sit there interviewing people who don't want to say anything. He said he's too spoiled by what he's doing now.
Howard said that Dave looks miserable so he wouldn't want to take over. Howard said he'd rather not be miserable. Howard said the guy doesn't appear to like his job. He said he made a mistake and banged interns so he got in trouble. Howard said if he was having an affair with someone at work he wouldn't bring them home to their driveway and fuck them there. Howard said he wouldn't even drive them home. Howard said people get bored and they like to push their limits. Howard said that's why he got caught in the driveway. Howard said they want to be punished for doing things wrong. He said that he thinks Dave doesn't like his mom and he feels so much rage that he wants to be punished for having thoughts about her. Howard said that this is very heavy stuff.
Howard said the guy could be on the top of the world having fun all the time but he's fucking around with interns. Howard said he doesn't get it. He said maybe he's like him and he just can't say no to anyone. Howard said maybe he just says he'll marry someone to shut them up. Howard said Dave ruined everything. He had a good life going and he fucked it up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Michelle Bachman's husband talks about converting gay people but he thinks that the guy looks gayer than a 3 dollar bill. Howard said that he doesn't' know if the guy is gay. He said he doesn't know anyone who spends their life trying to convert someone to be straight. The caller said that Albert Einstein says there must be a god. Howard asked why that is. The caller said that they explain it in a 500 page book. Howard said there you go... Howard said he doesn't know if there's a god or not. The caller said no one knows. Howard asked why God won't reveal himself to us. He told the caller not to say that he does it every day when the sun rises. Howard said that's bull. Howard said the whole ghost thing is dumb too. He said if there were ghosts they wouldn't' be so private. Howard said it's the same thing with aliens. Howard said they grab Riley Martin. Howard said if they were so sophisticated they would have landed and taken over already. Howard asked why they're so afraid to be with us. He said if they can get from another galaxy they wouldn't just grab Riley. Robin said they grabbed Fran Drescher too. Howard asked why they'd grab her. He said they don't have to be so private about the whole thing.
Howard said some aliens called Riley at home once. He played a prank call Sal and Richard made to Riley as if they were aliens. They changed their voices and said they think that maybe he's not the best representative for them. Riley said they're being asinine. They went back and forth goofing on Riley for a few minutes in the call. After he hangs up Sal and Richard had Wendy the Retard call him as an alien from a retarded planet. Riley told her she's fucking with something much more powerful than she knows. He told her to go away. They call Riley back and have Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer) as a gay alien. Howard did a live commercial and went to break after that.
Robin read about an 18 year old who tried to smuggle a gun into jail with him. Robin said they figure he stuck it up his rectum before he was arrested. Howard said ''Yuck'' when he heard that. Robin had some audio of a police officer talking about that case. Howard said he loves that word ''rectum.'' He finds it funny.
Robin had audio of a 9-1-1 call where a homeowner who called when her husband got into a fight with an intruder. Robin said that the husband shot the intruder. Robin said the guy won't be charged with his death. Howard said he'd hope not. The wife talks about the intruder being dead in her bedroom. The husband wrestled the gun away from the intruder and shot him. Howard said he loves stories like that. He said he likes when the tables are turned on the criminal. Robin said it is nice when it happens but it doesn't always work out that way. Robin said they tell you to just cooperate. Howard said that sometimes the intruder sues the family if he's injured. He said it's crazy.
Robin read about the tornadoes that ripped through the mid-west. Howard said Pat Robertson said that people shouldn't live where there are tornados and you won't have to worry about that. Howard said the guy is so smart. Robin read about a baby that lived but died a few days after being thrown by the tornado. Robin had some audio of a family looking through stuff trying to find their belongings.
Robin read about a woman who lost her legs in the tornado. She was trying to protect her kids. One tornado came through and then a second one came through. Robin had some audio of her talking about how she did what she did. Robin said those kids don't have any reason to act up after something like that. Howard said that his mother would never let go of that if she did that for him. He said he'd rather just die in the twister. He did his impression of his mom talking about saving him from the twister and how he should tattoo a picture of her legs on him. Howard said he would never hear the end of it. He said it would be horrible. He went on and on with his mother's impression and had her talking about all kinds of stuff to make him feel horrible and guilty over everything he does. Howard
Robin read a story about the ratio of the length of a finger that can link to penis size. Robin said that they measured a penis flaccid and erect and they claim that the stretched out size can be about the length as an erect penis. Howard said no way. Robin said they did this in Korea. Robin said they also measured finger length to compare them. Howard said he has had his penis disappear inside of him at times. He said he should have a big penis. Robin said that the index finger being longer than the ring finger means that the penis might be longer than average. Howard said he should have a huge one if that's what they're saying. Howard said his fingers are almost the same size. Robin said that he should have a really long one then. Howard said he thinks that study is wrong. He did a live commercial after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if his mom and dad have asked to go to America's Got Talent. Howard said his mother said she would love to go. He said he did invite them. Howard said he invited his sister too. Howard said he's 58 years old and his mom still asks if he invited his sister. Howard said his mother loves the fans. He said she called him the other day and she said they went out to eat of something and someone came up to them and said hello. Howard said she doesn't know how they know who they are. Howard said his mother calls his father to the phone to tell the story. Howard said his dad has been having back problems lately and he tried to tell him about Dr. Sarno but he didn't want to hear it.
Howard said his dad used to get massages. He said he used to jerk off with the hand massager his parents had. Howard said they actually used it as a massager. Howard said his whole hand would vibrate and he would explode. Howard said he was like 15 or 16 and he would blow his load after a few seconds. Howard said his mother would have killed him if she knew what he was doing with that thing. He said they didn't hide anything in that house. He said he went through their drawers and everything. He said he would look through their stuff as soon as they'd leave the house.
Robin got back to her news and read about Vladimir Putin won the election in Russia. Robin said they say there was some fraud over there. She said they counted the votes and 107 percent of the people voted. Robin said they say that Putin didn't get all of the votes but that's more than the whole population voting in the election.
Robin read about today being Super Tuesday and how they have 10 states involved in the caucuses today. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about this whole thing.
Howard cut Robin off and had Sal come in there. He said Shuli was doing something. Howard asked Sal what Super Tuesday is. Sal didn't know until he heard Robin talking about it. Sal said he kind of knows now. He said that today is the day when delegates are chosen to run for President. Howard said he's a fucking moron. Sal said he didn't vote for anyone so you can't blame him for Obama. Howard said that he's absurd. Howard said that Shuli is right, Sal knows nothing about what Super Tuesday is. Gary said that Sal doesn't know. Sal said he knows that each state delegates themselves to a certain candidate. Howard said he's so ridiculous. He said the purple states are a mix of the blue and red. Howard laughed.
Gary asked Sal if he knew what a leap year was until last week. Sal apparently didn't know. Sal kept trying to explain what Super Tuesday is. Howard asked Sal what the capital of San Francisco is. Sal said he knows that it's a city and not a state.
Gary said he can't believe that Sal didn't know what Leap year was. Sal said he does know what it is. He said he knows it's an extra day in the year. He said he doest' know why it matters if he knows what it is. Gary said anything he doesn't know is something he doesn't ''need'' so he doesn't care about it.
Robin got back to her news about Super Tuesday. Robin had Howard play some audio of a Google rep who said that searches for Rick Santorum outnumber the other candidates. Robin said that's kind of scary to her. Howard said he thinks it's people looking up just how crazy the guy is and it has nothing to do with how many votes he'll get.
Robin had some audio of Rick Santorum talking about how he thinks he'll do. She had some audio of Mitt Romney too.
Robin read about Sandra Fluke being on The View and talking about what Rush Limbaugh said about her being a slut and then apologizing. Robin had some audio of her talking about that on The View. Robin read about Patricia Heaton tweeting out a few nasty tweets before she shut down her whole twitter account. Robin said she was writing about Fluke and had to apologize about what she had written.
Robin read about Michelle Bachman being on Piers Morgan's show last night and she talked about Kirk Cameron and how people of faith should be treated with more respect. Howard said he's not sure why he has to respect their beliefs. He said that we don't have to respect the beliefs of people who put a religious fatwa on us. Howard said it doesn't make any sense. Howard said thating gay people isn't religious. He said it's just hateful.
Robin said that Peter Gabriel was upset that Rush Limbaugh was using his song Sledgehammer while talking about this ''slut'' thing. Howard said Rush is trying to be fun and hip by playing music like that. Howard said he's a really cool, fat, bald guy. Howard said the guy looks disgusting.
Robin read about how the Game Show Network is going to replay an episode of the Dating Game that Davy Jones was on a while back. Howard said he'd watch that. Robin said the show airs on Tuesday at 7pm Eastern on GSN.
Robin said that Mickey Dolenz said that he won't go to Davy Jones funeral and he says he's doing that to show his respect. Howard said he's going to use that from now on. Robin said that he thinks that they might cause a media circus if he and Peter Tork show up at the funeral. Howard said it would be cooler if he just said he can't afford the plane ticket.
Robin read about the guy who was accused of eating a guy's eyeballs. He has plead not guilty. Robin said he will go to trial over that now.
Robin read about a bunch of people who wanted to buy a dog to have sex with it. Robin said that the three claimed to be swingers and one woman said she dreamed of having sex with a dog. They were all arrested on bestiality charges. Howard said they're the dumbest criminals ever. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:15am.
Jon said that two strangers came on the show today. Those two were Sal and Richard. Gary said he recognized Richard by his dick. Jon said they haven't been on the show lately. Richard said he's always around and he's always up for showing his penis.
Richard said that he's still as crazy as he always has been. He said he was thinking that he would stick his finger in his ass if they wanted him to. He said he's up for anything. Gary asked Richard how close his penis would have to be to his mouth before he made the decision. Richard said he'd lick it if he could get it close enough.
Jon asked Sal why he and Richard didn't come in right away. Sal said that he'd have to ask Richard why he didn't come in. Richard said they wait to see if Howard wants them to come in. He said that he does yell at them to get out of there. He said now they just wait for him to ask them to come in.
Sal said that Howard was talking about getting rid of them and he panicked so he went in and made him aware of what they do. Gary said he knows for a fact that he doesn't want to fire them. He said Howard does think that they do a great job.
Richard said that they take their lumps and they can't defend themselves against Howard. He said it's hard to argue with him. Gary said that they just have to keep bringing them stuff. He said that just because it's not getting played on the air doesn't mean they don't want to hear it. Gary said he thinks the honeymoon is over but that doesn't mean that they don't appreciate their work.
Sal said he gets that the honeymoon might be over but they do try their best. He said they go back and rework stuff that doesn't work. He said they like the feedback they get from Gary and Howard so they can make it better. Gary said he sat down with them today for about 15 minutes and told them not to get down. Richard said they make each other laugh every day and they get bummed out when something doesn't work. He said they just try again though. Sal said they're not staying out of the studio because of that. He said they don't want to disrespect the guests or anything. He said they are just trying to not disrupt Howard's flow.
Gary said he doesn't want them to stop coming to him. He said he wants them to keep bringing him stuff. Gary said he feels that Howard gets sick of him at times. He said he thinks that's just the way it is when people work together every day.
Sal said that he was panicking when he heard Howard playing the call today. He said that he thought it could bomb but it turned out to be a great segment. He said Howard has been pleased with some of their stuff but it can be a mixed signal.
JD came in and said that Sal and Richard keep their door shut a lot. Sal said they keep their door open during the days that Howard is off. JD said he's not sure about that. Gary said that they have also been talking about how cold it is outside so that's why they don't do the street interviews. Sal said they have done some lately and they didn't really fly for whatever reason.
Jon asked Sal about not knowing what Super Tuesday was and why he didn't just say he didn't know. Sal said he did research it and figured it out. Sal said the good thing is that he learned about Super Tuesday. He said that he learned that the delegates are chosen for the primary nominations. Gary said that was close. Sal said he's not sure why they only do the republican thing on this day. He said he does know that it's the republicans though. He said he knows it's Gingrich, Santorum, Romney and Ron Paul. Sal said that it must be both sides that are chosen today. He said that they do pick both sides on this day. He told the guys what he thinks the blue and red and purple states mean. He said at the end of the day they find out which stage leans toward which party.
Jon asked Sal what delegates are. Sal gave an explanation about that. He wasn't making a lot of sense. JD said he loves when Sal closes his eyes as he's talking about it. Gary said he predicted how Sal would answer the question. Richard said he used to take a big puff on his electronic cigarette before closing his eyes. He's off of that stuff now though so he just closes his eyes.
Jon asked Sal more about what goes on today and Sal was going on and on with what he had learned on Wikipedia earlier today.
Gary said Sal said to him in the hallway earlier ''Why do I need to know this?'' Gary said there are things going on around the world that we need to be concerned with. Sal said that he knows we killed that guy Gaddafi. He said that the leaders are fucking things up and it's become a... what's that word... Gary tried to help and helped him figure out that they're dictatorships. Sal said he has the right to vote or not vote in this country and he doesn't want to make the wrong move by voting for the wrong person. He said that's why he won't vote for a president. He said he's not knowledgeable in those areas. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that this was a lot like what Benjy talked to them about at dinner one night. Benjy said that it's niche marketing and you just have to know how to play it. Benjy said that you don't have to use a picture that looks like you. He said a girl should use a picture of herself that shows what she looks like. He said a guy should use his best picture.
Jon asked if part of it is going out with someone you don't know. Benjy said that is part of it. Gary said that he thinks the blindfold thing has trouble written all over it. Benjy said there are a lot of girls who do want that rape fantasy and he wouldn't just start doing it without making sure it's the right girl.
Jon asked Ronnie if he would ever do something like that. Ronnie said no way. He said it's too risky. Benjy said he has met girls that have been off a bit and he has turned them down. Gary asked if there was anyone that was scary. Benjy said that it was usually about looks. He said if the girl was hot he could get through scary.
Ronnie asked Benjy if he ever ran into a chick that had a cock. Benjy said he never did. Benjy said he had a situation when he realized it was a dude. He didn't do anything with her.
Benjy said that he called into the show before he started working there and told a story about going to bed with a chick who turned out to be a guy. He said that she said to him that he can't leave. He said he got scared so he started talking about his girlfriend and tried to get out of the whole thing. He said he sat there for a few hours talking about how guilty he felt. He said he didn't do anything with him.
Jon asked Ronnie why he has to clarify the sex talk when he's talking about it. He was saying some stuff about sticking a finger up his ass while he was ''Rhonda'' and he was very descriptive. Ronnie said he was just being Rhonda.
Jon asked JD if this whole thing is too creepy for him. JD said he has friends who have gotten girls from Craigslist but he's just not into it. He said he's very leery of the whole situation. He said that guys would end up showing up because that's his luck.
Gary said he got the impression from Benjy that if you throw out enough lines you'll get a date every night. JD said he doesn't think he'd have Benjy's luck. Gary said he doesn't think it's luck. Benjy said he can talk to a girl. He said he thinks that JD should just do Facebook. He said he could get laid from that. JD said he has gotten chicks from Facebook. Richard said that JD only accepts girls as friends on Facebook. JD said he's sorry but that is true.
Jon took a call from Sour Shoes who was trying to do some songs but Jon wanted to take other calls so he let him go.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he tried Craigslist a few years ago and he just got inundated with phishing scams. Benjy said that most of them were fake but you can weed through them and find the real ones.
Richard said that JD might be discouraged by the guy who scammed him for the Howard Stern Film Festival. JD said that's part of it. He said a lot of people are fake out there. They had to go to break a short time later.
Richard said he was cutting up Ronnie yelling clips today. He said he loves that. He said he could listen to him yelling at people all the time. Sal said ''Who doesn't love their grandparents... c'mon.''
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Howard throws Richard and Sal out of the studio all the time. He said that Artie would always yell at them for doing gay shit too. Gary said that they know that people don't want to see gay shit but that's what fuels them. Richard said they do love irritating people. He said that's why they love making those calls to Tradio.
Richard said he loved this idea for a bit where they would reenact babysitter porn for Howard. Sal said he doesn't want to do that. Richard said he would like to do the chloroform thing with Howard. He said he thinks the bit where Sal and Richard pee in cups while standing on their heads was great too. He said they'd see who could fill up their cup the most. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how he was just telling the guys about Will Ferrell who did something funny during the Bulls/Hornets game. He said he made up shit about each player as they came out. He played some of the audio of that. Will was introducing them and saying that one guy still lives with his mother. Another guy collects rare birds and things like that. Howard said he's not sure the players even heard what he was saying. Howard said he thought it was a brilliant idea. He said it made the game funny too. Howard played a few more of the intros that Will did.
Howard said he likes it and it was funny to him. He said he's sorry. Robin asked who he was apologizing to. Howard said he didn't see Robin smiling. Howard said Will was way into it. He played a few more. Will introduced one guy saying he didn't speak a lick of English. Another one still likes to listen to Bell Biv Devoe. Howard said he loves that.
Howard said Will was lost in his own world. He said he's hit and miss but he was funny that night. Howard played a couple more of his intros. He introduced an Italian guy saying that ironically he hates Italian food. Howard said they should get someone to do this at every NBA game. He said maybe they can get a Will Ferrell to announce them every morning. He said he heard that his next movie is completely in Spanish. He said that guy is totally out there.
Howard said he read that Rosie O'Donnell is moving back to New York. He said he applauds that. Howard said he was spending most of the day packing for St. Louis yesterday. He said that he was with Ralph yesterday and he had to figure out what to bring with him. He said he had to pack more than he thought. He said they have to keep track of everything he wears because he might have to do a pick up shot. Howard said now he knows why Simon Cowell wears a t-shirt. He said that way he doesn't have to keep track of what he wears.
Howard said he doesn't want Ralph around to keep track of his outfits. Howard said he doesn't want to bring all of these outfits because he knows they won't be doing pick up shots. He said they've already taped 700 million hours. He said they don't need pick up shots.
Howard said he found out that they have to do some kind of photo shoot out in St. Louis. He said he's not sure what it even is. He said that they won't send him the schedule so he has no idea what he's doing. He said his agent told them not to email him directly anymore so he's left out in the dark. He said he has to do another photo shoot out in Texas next weekend so he has to wear another outfit. He said Ralph labors over the outfits and he has to try them on like a woman. He said he doesn't want to be a woman. He said he just wants to be a guy.
Howard said he gets excited because he thinks he can pack light for St. Louis. Then he finds out he has to bring all of these outfits. Howard said they say they'll ship them all out there for him but he doesn't want to lose them. Howard said if he loses them then he's fucked. He said he will kill someone if he loses them. He said he's not kidding either.
Howard said he doesn't want to hear it from the mailing person that it wasn't there fault. He did his Scott the Engineer voice as he was talking about that person. He said that he imagines the person at AGT who mails his clothes would sound like that.
Howard said Ralph sent him a sheet of paper to tell him what to do with the outfits. He said he got up at 2 in the morning and tried to print it out. He said the printer never works. He said he uses it like 4 times a year. He said it never works. He said it gets a paper jam. He said he wrote a memo about how he wants it checked all the time. Robin said she has the same problem with her printer. Howard said he always gets a note saying it works but he needs it to work when he needs it to work.
Howard said he has people to help him with this stuff and that's why they're there. He said he needs it to work. He said that if they check it every day it should work. Robin said she has a brand new printer and it doesn't work. She said the printers know what's wrong and they tell you to go find the paper jam.
Howard said he's on fire this morning. Robin said she still doesn't have The Walking Dead on her On Demand. Howard said it's a great episode. Robin said she knows about Dale. She saw some clips of the show and got it spoiled for her. Howard said that's the whole show.
Howard said he was feeling overwhelmed yesterday. He said he crawled up on a couch and watched 2 hours of The Bachelor. He said that made him happy. He said he watched Being Human after that. Robin said the British version is better than that. Howard said he needs a live. Howard said he'll be watching Breaking Bad on the plane to St. Louis. Howard said he could have been going there for 2 days but they added this photo shoot. He said they don't want to let them go.
Howard said if he doesn't see some major talent out there then he's going to be like a bear. He said Beth is coming with him so maybe she'll calm him down. Howard said Beth is coming for a day or two but not the whole time. He said it drives him crazy when Beth is at the hotel having fun and he's working. Howard said she'll be getting a massage and he's working. He said it makes him mental. Howard said he thinks he has a dressing room this time. He said he didn't mind the trailer though.
Howard said Bubba called him and he apparently spends a lot of time in trailers. He said Bubba is going to see him in Tampa soon. Howard said Bubba called about the doody problem he had. Howard said Bubba told him he has to fill up the toilet with some water and some special blue stuff. He said that it takes the doody down with it. He said he forgets all of what he said but he's not going to pour water into the toilet. He's not spending that much time in the trailer.
Howard said he rarely makes doody at work. He said that he doesn't even understand what Bubba was saying. He said he doesn't know where to get the blue water Bubba was talking about. Howard said he called Ronnie in to help him with the doody smell and all he smelled was the Salmon. Howard said he was drowning out the smell of doody with salmon. He said that Ronnie laughed at him just like Robin is.
Howard said he was going to have Ronnie get rid of his shit smell or something but then he figured he'd be bringing it to the producers asking how to get rid of it. Howard said he's going to have Ronnie call Bubba and get the tips so he knows what to do when he does shit. Howard said he travels with Ronnie and another guy who used to be a cop. He said he should have them both become doody experts. Howard said they can both be in charge of his doody. Howard said everything is a mess. He said the more responsibilities he takes on the more he has to baby sit people. He said he has a lot of guys he has to concentrate on.
Robin said that she was talking to their agent and he was telling her about going grocery shopping with Howard in San Francisco. Howard said he went to Whole Foods with him. Howard said he read about how he was walking around the city the whole time when he was in San Francisco. Howard said everything you read about him in the paper is untrue. Howard said they get it all wrong. He said he was with his agent one day and they said he was with Ronnie the whole time.
Howard said he ordered in some Shun Li. He said he asks for ''sauce on side'' and the woman still laughs at him about that. Howard said she says that only one person orders that. He said he tells her that's him and she laughs. Howard said he's an excellent customer. He said he's a huge tipper. Howard said he'll give a $20 tip on a $60 order. He said that he gets a bunch of shrimp dumplings and other stuff. He said that there are some things that just don't work very well when you get them delivered. Howard said he gets shrimp, string beans, egg plant, brown rice and some sauce on the side. He said they give a big vat of the sauce. Howard said he has broccoli and beans and all of that.
Howard said this Riley thing is funny. He said he should fire the guy but it's too funny. He played a clip of Rachel Fine asking Riley about his personal attacks on Howard Stern. Riley asked if Howard is not a golden Jew. He said he has lots of money. Howard said Riley thinks that he just got handed a lot of money like it's his birth right. Howard said Riley thinks he should just hand over some of that money to him. Rachel asked why he points out the Jew thing and asked if he would do that if he was Chinese. Riley said he'd call him a golden Chinaman or a Golden Chink. Riley said he just wants Howard to pay him. Howard said he doesn't pay him. He said he's insane. He said it is fascinating though.
Howard said Riley should be doing the show for free. He said he's doing it for a goof and Riley keeps doing the show. Robin said that he thinks he should be paid for doing nothing. Howard said he's told him to quit. He said he doesn't think that anyone else is going to pay the guy.
Howard played more of the clip where Riley is going on and on about how, if he had money, he'd give some to someone doing a successful show. Robin asked where the successful show is. She said if it was successful he could bring it somewhere else and get paid. Riley was going on saying that he couldn't pay rent and put gas in his car with that kind of pay. Howard asked how he was getting money for gas before that show. He said maybe he should go back to those people who paid him.
Howard said he thought he actually did something nice by putting him on the radio. He said he said to him that he could go on and promote his products and do a show for an hour. Howard said that guy is the best. He said you gotta love Riley. Robins said he thinks it's successful just because he's doing it.
Howard asked if that show is on Howard TV now. Doug said it's on Howard TV and HowardTV.com.
Howard played another clip where Riley was telling Rachel about hunting sasquach. Riley said he and his dad used to hunt Sasquach. Howard said that's where he gets that nutty stuff from.
Howard said that the guy Ron from Swap Shop got on the air yesterday and was bad mouthing him. Howard played the clip of Sal and Richard pranking him the other day. They called in and got the guy so flustered that Ron hit a commercial clip instead of taking another call. They were calling in and joking around about piss porn. Then they call back and Richard says he's going to cream over Ron's voice. Ron says that he ''almost got through.'' Howard laughed and asked what he means by almost getting through. Ron takes another call from Sal who said he was ready to jizz. Ron hangs up on him and goes to some music.
Howard said Ron must have really been pissed off. He went into a rant about him yesterday. He said he got some facts wrong though. He said Ron is really boiling mad. Howard played that clip and Ron said that they traced the prank calls to Sirius. Howard said that they must have figured out it was him and not Martha Stewart or the Catholic channel. Ron had a caller on the line who said Howard Stern is an idiot. Ron said that he used to be a genius but then he became just toilet. Howard said he's not sure how he wasn't toilet before. He said he thought he was always toilet. Howard asked what year he wasn't toilet. The caller said she never listened to Howard. Ron said he did and he watched him on TV. Ron said Howard would draw people in with disabilities and exploit that. He said he took advantage of Stuttering John. He was getting laughs at John's expense.
Howard said Gary said that John had no other talent and he brought him in and gave him a life. Howard said Gary saw John's house in Los Angeles and he has to argue about that.
Howard played more of Ron going off on him. Ron said that he has gotten very crude and he was just trying to get ratings at the expense of other people with disabilities. Ron said that you can't fool around with the FCC and stay on the air either. He said that's why Howard is on satellite radio. Ron said Howard was fined $600,000 and they cut Howard loose after that. Howard said that's not what happened.
Howard said he's willing to put up some money if Ron wants to bet him. Howard said Infinity paid off his fines and he didn't miss a beat. Howard said he worked there for many years and he signed with Sirius years later. He said that they begged him to stay at the old station. Howard said they sued him when he left because they wanted his services no matter what. Howard said Ron should know that. He said if you're a student of radio you should stick to the facts.
Howard said they are one company on the stock exchange and when they talk to the stock holders. He said that they're arguing with him because they owe him bonus money. Howard said they're saying that the subscribers he added were not his listeners but that's not what his contract is about. He said the contract says that it's about the growth of the company. He said that he has to wait for years to get this money. He said this whole case is going to take years to settle. Howard said he's sure that if a judge looked at it he'd win. Howard said maybe they'll get a drunken judge and he'll look at it and give it to Sirius. Howard said that he just goes on though. He said he stayed with the company and he shouldn't have to resign. Howard said he built this company. He said they were on their way out. He said any jack off who thinks that it was because of them that they're still around is wrong. Howard said he's the one who made it all happen. Not anyone else.
The caller said that there are two people who are responsible for the success of this company. He said it's him and Riley. Howard said that anyone who is involved with his show is responsible for the success. Howard said no one else can claim that they're responsible. Howard said Leon Black came to him and said he had to have him. Howard said he told him that he wanted to be rewarded and Leon said he would be. Howard said if he could pull off a miracle and pull in an X amount of listeners then just pay him for that. Howard said he worked and waited and now he has to sue. Howard said this is the last time he's signing up for bonuses. He said he's going to ask for the money up front from now on.
Howard said they were suing him at CBS when he left and that takes years off your life. Howard said no one else does shit around there and if they do tell you they do then tell them to get fucked in the ass. Howard said they're having Bruce Springsteen parties around there. He said that they can ''suck my dick!''
Howard said that he's having a heart attack. He told Robin to get the defibrilator. The caller said he's sorry for bringing it up. Howard said he'd like to get mouth to mouth from Robin. He said the whole thing is a joke. He said he's fine though. He said it's all fun and games and they can take 10 years to do this whole thing. Howard said he's as happy as a clam.
Howard said he's back to where he was on terrestrial. He's just a worker, not a partner like he was told he'd be. Howard said this is like war. He said he soldier gets fucked. Howard said they should lower the flag when he dies. Howard said he's like a warrior. Howard said he fought all of the battles. Howard said he was told to go out and put Sirius on the map. He did that and when he did they tell him that he didn't. Howard said he just wanted to be rewarded for coming through for them. He said he worked and worked and worked. Howard said the worker is a chump, like him. Howard said he's disposable. Howard said they laugh at him there. Howard said the guys with the money laugh at him. Howard said he can hear them now. Fred played a Cartman from South Park laugh and a Mel Gibson laugh.
Howard said the woman was probably telling him that she had a dog act to do on America's Got Talent. Howard said he loves to see the fans at the AGT tapings but maybe not on the street.
The caller said that he met Howard at a taping for some show. He said that he was the camera man. He said he didn't bother Howard there. Howard said he did bother him because he asked for him to sign some books. Howard said hew as happy to do it. He said he's very appreciative of his fans. He said that he will sign something unless he's in the middle of something. Howard said he won't sign anything when he's with his kids. He said he likes to devote his attention to them and not to anyone else. Howard said when he's with the kids he'll tell someone that he can't stop and do it. He said any other time they can bother him. He said he's happy that people are fans.
Howard said he was gracious to this caller, Josh, and he's an excellent representative of the company. He said they can hold on to his money. Howard said he wants to make sure that all of the execs there have their money first.
Josh said he was at one of the tapings and he saw that Howie was asking to see a picture on a phone. Josh asked what that was about. Howard said he doesn't know what that was about. He said Howie wanted to show him a picture of a weight lifter who squatted down and lifted like 600 pounds and his whole anus fell out. Howard said Howie said he had to see it. Howard said he didn't want to see it but Howie was insistent. Howard said it was everything you can imagine. He said it was disgusting. Howard said that the guy was like 600 pounds. He said another guy came over and told Howie that he had a vagina picture. Howard said Howie and Sharon said he had to see that picture too. Howard said he didn't care about the vagina picture. Howard said Howie showed it to him anyway. Howard said he didn't care that much but Howie was consumed with it. He said he was so consumed that he got him interested.
Howard said he spends a lot of time with Howie and Sharon and he forgets about them. He said that Howie asked him to go out for drinks and he had to say no. He said they had just worked for hours together. Howard said he did go and have a club soda with Howie. Then Sharon comes down and he can't leave. He said he was doing a bonding thing of sorts. Howard said he stayed for 10-15 minutes. He said he was anxious to get back to his room to just wait for the next taping. Howard said Howie doesn't care about rest like he does.
Howard said his mother rests all day long. He did his impression of her talking about the rest she needs. Howard said she does one thing a day and she does it well. Robin was going to ask a question and Howard said his dad really likes Robin and he used to talk about how great she is asking questions. He did a little bit of his father as he talked to Robin about that.
Robin asked Howard, as Ray, about what she thinks about Howard being so busy. Howard, as Ray, told her that he's doing too much. Robin said that there are so many people who have been very busy. Ray said that people do too much. Ray told Robin that she's too busy with the traveling and carrying on. She said that Robin is doing the wrong thing. She said she's not her mother but she will tell her that she's doing the wrong thing. She said that Robin isn't inventing anything. She said she's doing the enemas and putting things in her rectum. She said that's not good. Robin said that she meditates. She misses some though. Ray said she's too busy then.
Robin said that things get done. Ray said she doesn't need to do so much. She said Howard is doing too much too. Howard kept going with his mother's impression and argued with Robin about doing too much. Howard told Robin that she can't win an argument against his mother. Howard was doing both Ben and Ray for a short time. Ray told Robin to do just one thing a day and do it well. Robin said she doesn't think the world would look like it does if people did just one thing a day. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that he has this guy Matt Paxton on the phone. Howard said Matt is on TV. He's part of the ''Hoarders'' TV show. Howard said he doesn't watch the show but he is fascinated by hoarders. Howard said Ronnie's mom would save every paper bag she ever got. He said that he spent almost a whole month cleaning that stuff out. Gary's mom did the same thing with newspapers. Howard said she cried when Gary cleaned her house out.
Gary said his mother would save boxes inside of boxes and she'd say she was going to use them at Christmas. Gary said that her closet was full of boxes stacked up to the ceiling. Howard said Ronnie spent months cleaning his mother's house. She saved everything.
Ronnie said he had forty, 40 gallon bags of garbage. He said he had to have 3 trucks come to take away the garbage. He said this was a 2 bedroom apartment. He said she had canned goods that were exploding. He said she would just keep putting the stuff in the closet and it would pile up. He said that the cans in the back were exploding because they were so old.
Gary said that he had a friend who had a dad who had 400 coffee cans full of rubber bands, nuts and bolts, some were filled with nothing. Howard asked how old he was. Gary said he was probably a depression era guy.
Gary said his mother would use a paper towel and put it to the side to dry. He said he had to tell her that they can afford paper towels.
Ronnie told Howard about his mom washing Styrofoam take out boxes and save them. He said he had to go through every piece of paperwork in the house. He said his father had a business in 1959 and she had all of the paperwork. He said he found money in some of the paperwork. Ronnie said he found change and dollar bills and stuff like that. Ronnie said that his mother had heart surgery at 75 and he went in an cleaned out her apartment. He said she moved back in and got pissed when she saw what he did. Ronnie said his mother would go shopping and she'd buy shirts for him from Macy's and places like that. He said she would never open it. He said she'd keep them as possible gifts.
Gary said that his mother would go into her room and go through her stuff to find a gift for you. Gary said his mother used to hide money in the radiator. He said he knew that the money was there but she'd hide it.
Howard said that Hoarders is fascinating to him. He said Matt is one of these guys who figured out that no one wants to clean up after a hoarder. He said that Matt worked on his own for a while. Matt said he works with families like what they were just describing. Matt said they found $13,000 in change in one lady's house. Matt said he was broke and he had a 3 year bender and this was how he started over. He said that no one would clean this stuff up so he figured he'd do it. Howard said Matt gets paid to go through these homes. Matt said that they aren't sorting through papers to find change anymore. He said they clean up dead cats and recycled adult diapers and things like that.
Howard asked Matt about how much he charges. Matt said it starts at $15,000. He said they once had to clean up 45,000 pounds of human feces. Matt said that they just cover it up and don't get rid of it. He said they believe that they're going to clean it up the next day but they never do. Howard asked how often he has to clean up like that. Matt said every week he has to do that. He said he's in full biohazard outfits now. He said they have a lot of clean ups like that now.
Howard asked if they're normal people. Matt said they are normal people who had a rough go at life. He said he has to act like it's no big deal to him. He said that if he embarrasses the person then they'll kick him out.
Howard asked how they find him and if they tell him what's going on there in their home. Matt said that a family member or someone like that will call. Howard asked if they're livid that you're taking their shit out of their house. Matt said that it is a wall of safety and they don't want to be judged. Howard asked what the smell is like. Matt said it's a very citrus and urine smell. He said that they keep their urine in bottles around the house. Matt said they enjoy it though. He said that they're all recovering addicts and they enjoy getting grossed out every week.
Howard said he'd need to get high if he was doing that every week. Matt said that he has a house and children he can afford now. He said he gets paid to help people now. He said that's a pretty awesome thing.
Howard read about some dead cats he had to clean up and how they were all wet so they just fell apart. Matt said that was a tough one. He said he once saw a kitten crawl out of human feces. He said that was tough too. He said cats are survivalists and they will do what they can to make it.
Howard said Matt once found $13,000 in change in a rats nest. Matt said they found that rats don't eat money. He said that they weren't sure if there were rats in the nest but they could see the holes they were going in and out of. He said the nest was like 6 feet high. Howard asked if they come and bite you and try to attack. Matt said they didn't that time. He said that they had given up and left the house years ago. He said that the money they find goes back to the people.
Howard read about how they found $45,000 worth of savings bonds in a woman's house. She thought she had nothing but she had $45,000. Matt said she had no idea that they didn't expire, they matured.
Howard asked Matt how he got on TV. Matt said that someone told the producers about what he does and he got on. He said that he's not an educated man. He said he's 36 and a recovering addict. Howard asked what it's like to clean up 45,000 pounds of shit. He said that it must take years. Matt said that's at least 10 years of 3 or 4 times a day. He said you can't take that stuff to the dump either. He said they have to destroy it all as medical waste. He said it has to go to an incinerator. Matt said they had a house the other day that had to be destroyed. He said that the place was so bad they couldn't salvage it. He said they had to burn it and not just knock it down.
Howard asked if hot girls are ever hoarders. Matt said they must start out as young people. He said that it can take 15-20 years to work it up to what they have to clean up.
Howard said Matt once found a guy who hoarded kiddie porn. Matt said they thought he was a nice guy but they found some really aggressive stuff in the house. He said they had to call a cop and ask what to do. He said they had to call the cops. He said that the guy went to jail for 3 years and when he got out he called them to come and clean his house again. Matt said they told him to fuck off because they didn't want to go back there.
Matt said he has guys who have murdered people on his team but they won't work with child pornographers. He said that's the worst.
Howard asked if they've ever found a dead body. Matt said that they did. He said that the smell is very unique and you never get the smell off your body. He said he shaved his head and eyebrows to get the smell off. He said that's all you smell once you smell it.
Matt said they were doing foreclosures in DC and that's what they found in this one place. He said it had to have been at least 120 days. He said the guy had killed himself so he was just sitting on a chair. Matt said there are some hoarders who will yell at you and try to hit you. He said that he had a 70 year old woman try to swing at him. He said that he had an 80 year old guy who had been beating his wife and he punched him in the face.
Howard asked Matt if he's been to prison. Matt said he hasn't. He said he had a gambling problem but that's done now. Robin asked if people stay clean after they clean up. Matt said if people go to therapy they have a 60 percent chance of staying clean. He said if they don't go then there's 100 percent chance that they don't change.
Howard said that Matt's show has the season finale this Monday night on A&E. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows a hot chick who is a hoarder. He said she keeps bags and food and stuff like that. Howard took another call from a guy who said he thinks he worked with Matt in St. Louis. He was an exterminator on one show. Matt remembered him from that show. Howard said there must be a lot of bugs in the hoses. Matt said they had to block their ears and assholes in that house. He said they had brown recluse spiders and cockroaches in that one. The caller said the stuff was raining off the ceiling. He said they had to spray down the walls with hoses in that house. Matt and the caller spent a little time talking about what a great kid it was living in that house. He was only 13 years old. The caller said they came in and sanitized it but it's still not cleaned up. Matt said that if the family had the option they should just tear it down. He said A&E can only do so much though. He said that they have to put a lot of money into the therapy after. He said that they're going to go back to the house regardless.
Howard asked the caller if he's coming out to see him at AGT. The guy said that he will be there. Matt said that guy, Will, is a really good guy. He said he gave his services to that family for free.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if Matt is afraid of things like Hepatitis. Matt said if they see needles in a house they will walk out and refuse the job. He said he won't die for someone to clean up after them. Howard thanked Matt for the call and gave him a plug for Hoarders and for his podcast web site 5DecisionsAway.com
Howard took one more call for Matt from Sour Shoes. Sour asked if the poo is in buckets or on the floor. Matt said sometimes it's in the open or on the walls and sometimes it is in buckets. Howard said he may have to have Matt come out to clean up JD's office.
Howard said that's some crazy stuff. Robin said they do say that to start a business it's best to find something that no one else is doing. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked if this was John Lennon. Fred said it was. Robin asked where this song is from. Howard said it was on a solo album. Fred said he thinks it was just a single but it eventually ended up on an album. Howard said he would be like 70 something now. Howard asked how old he would have been. Fred said he was born in 1942 so Howard tried to do the math. Howard took the long way to figure out that he would have been 70 this year.
Howard said that someone is saying that it wasn't 1942. Fred said they're saying it was 1940. Howard said John could have shown them how to get old and still be cool. Howard said John made being young cool. He said he was a everything. Robin said you never know what would have happened. Howard said the guy was very interesting and just the best. Robin said that she watched the George Harrison special and he had an interesting take on life. Howard said he had a lot more going on than they thought he did. Howard said if all of them were on Celebrity Apprentice, who would have won. Robin said that would be interesting to see.
Howard said he had a tremendous experience the other night. He said he went to Nobu with Beth and they were going to go to the Knick game. Howard said he knew he had better pee at Nobu. He said he walked in like a regular guy into the handicapped stall. He said that he peed right away like a guy. He said he was so happy.
Howard said he walked out of the toilet and he saw a guy at the sink. He said he figured the guy followed him in. Howard said he was already in there though. The guy turned to him and it turns out it was Paul Simon. Howard said he had never met him before. He had met his brother Eddie though. He said that they're fairly friendly.
Howard said Paul said hey to him and introduced himself. He said Paul asked how he was doing. He said he told him he's doing great. He asked a few questions and then told him how he feels about him. Howard said it felt weird doing it in the bathroom but no one else was there. Howard said he thanked Paul for some of the most incredible music in the world. He said he told him what he means to him. He said he didn't even get to tell him about that song ''Old Friends'' goes through his head every day. He said that it's not the most popular song but that song touches him. Fred played the song while he talked about it.
Howard said that song kills him. He said the imagery in the song just kills him. He let the song play and asked Robin if it moves her. Robin said it's beautiful.
Howard said he told Paul how he felt and that was that. He said he was just there. Howard said Paul said thank you. He said he was fawning all over the guy. Howard said he's a man of great stature even though he's short. Howard said musicians from that time had so much of an effect on his life. Howard said that they gave him more of a feeling than religious services. He said they were more like prophets than the prophets in the bible. Howard said just hearing the Beatles or the Stones was more powerful than religion. Howard said that they gave him a feeling that religion couldn't.
Howard said Paul Simon is right up there. He said that he's just a genius. He said he can see why his wife, Edie Brickell spreads for him. Howard jokingly said that Garfunkel was waiting tables there that night.
Howard said that she wasn't going to leave on her own. Howard said she loved her work. Howard said she was always very nice to them too. Howard said they used to goof on her though. He said that she made a lot of mistakes. Howard said Chuck Scarborough is still there though. He said he was there back when Sue started too.
Howard said Sue once said ''fuck'' on the air. He played that clip where she yelled at someone who had done something wrong on the set. She didn't realize she was live on the air. Howard said they should hire her for Howard 100 News.
Howard asked if Lisa G was there. Gary said she was in the back. Howard said she can come in and do her thing if she wants.
Howard played a clip of Sue Simmons apologizing for cursing in that earlier clip. Howard said she must have made a lot of money working there so long. Howard said they had good ratings with their news. He said that the local news makes more money than the national news. Robin said it's not the money maker that it used to be. She said they have cut staff there.
Lisa G came in and said that she spoke to Sue when they started there and she didn't mind it when Howard would goof on her. Lisa asked why the woman is let go and the guy stays. Howard said that's the way the world works. He said older guys can pull it off. He said that's why Lisa has to stay hot.
Howard played a song parody Fred did about Sue many years ago at WNBC. It was ''She's Got Sue Simmons Hair'' to the tune of ''Betty Davis Eyes.''
Lisa said that sue told her that she loved it when he kissed her. Howard didn't remember doing that. Lisa said it was during some taping he did with her at NBC. Lisa also said they hired a woman who looks exactly like Sue to replace her.
Howard said that Lisa looked all bummed out. Lisa said she is upset that they fire the woman and not the man. Robin said they have different lives. She said that Chuck has maintained his looks and others haven't. She said that a lot of people are let go from jobs like that.
Lisa said that Bobo hasn't been able to call into the show for a couple of days. Howard said that Bobo had a medical scare. He said that he went to the doctor and found out he had something on his liver. He said Bobo thinks he's dying from it even though he didn't ask the doctor what it means. He said Bobo changed the date of his surgery so he can go to the taping of America's Got Talent. Howard said the guy is such a fan of the show that he changed the date.
Howard said Bobo called Gary crying to Gary. He got Bobo on the line and asked if he can play that. Bobo said they said he had a lesion on his liver and he didn't know what it means. He said the doctor said it could be cancerous so he freaked out. Howard said that's not a cool thing to do to you. He said they should just check it out. Howard said they don't have to tell you. Robin said they really do have to tell you.
Howard played Bobo's voice mail where he calls Gary crying. Bobo said he was really scared after hearing this news about his liver. Bobo was crying and saying that he hopes he can say a prayer for him. Howard said Bobo thinks that the answering machine is going to say a prayer for him. Bobo told his whole story and how he loves the show and he also has a 5 year old and a wife to think about. Howard said the show comes first all the time. Howard said Bobo said that he would push his wife and kid out of the boat and save the show if he had to choose.
Howard played more of Bobo's call and said that the grim reaper is coming for him. Robin asked if he will come back and haunt them. Howard said he's too stupid to do that. Howard said if he does die, will he be bald or will he be buried with the toupee. Bobo said of course he wants to wear the toupee. Robin said he is very funny.
Howard asked Bobo if he wants them at his funeral. Bobo said of course he does. Howard said they'll go but they don't want anyone else there. Howard said Bobo would probably do that.
Bobo said the crypt he got cost him like 20 grand. Howard asked what the lesion is. Bobo said that it's like a cyst on his liver. He said they say that it's not cancer. He said that they say that it's fine to leave it alone. He said that they will check it again in 6 months to make sure. Howard said Bobo is gross inside and out.
Howard said Bobo has a great life. He doesn't want to die. Howard said he sits and listens to the show by the water all morning. Howard said they found a cyst on his head but it turned out to be glue from the wig.
Bobo said he's getting an operation for hemorrhoids and a fissure on his ass this month. Howard said he has to teach Bobo how to wipe. He said he should wipe with that toupee. He said that doody should fall out like butter. Lisa sounded grossed out. Howard said at least he does it at home. Lisa shits at work.
Howard said he stands up and wipes with a baby wipe. He said he does a full swipe from his taint on up. He said then he takes a second wipe and does the same thing. He said there's almost nothing there. He said the third wipe goes up his asshole with his finger. He said he tries to bring out more brown from further up. He said there's another deposit up there. He said that will help you with fissures and hemorrhoids. He said by the second poke he's pretty clean.
Bobo said that they tell him that he'll never have another hemorrhoid again after this operation. Howard said he woke up at 2:30 this morning and forgot to pack his baby wipes. He said he put some right in his bag when he realized that. Howard said he never needed surgery on his ass.
Bobo said that he wanted to thank Howard for the tickets to America's Got Talent. Howard asked if he would rather sit up front with no toupee or in the back with the toupee. Bobo said he's wearing the toupee. He said his wife has never even seen him with it off. Howard said he looks better with it off.
Howard said he will let Bobo sit in the front with no toupee but he will magic marker the hair on. Bobo laughed but said he's not going to do that.
Howard was going to let Bobo go but he asked why he would put off his surgery for America's Got Talent. Bobo said that he had to change the date so he can go to AGT. Howard said maybe they can put the toupee in the front row and lave Bobo in the back. Bobo laughed. Howard said that they're showing the tape of Bobo taking his wig off for them when he was in there for Metallica tickets.
Howard said he should run over and rip that toupee off and throw it on Howie's head. Howard asked how hard it is to rip off his head. Bobo said that it's pretty hard. Howard said he could get some great ratings if he did that. Howard said he'd be afraid of ripping it off too fast and ripping his skin off. Bobo said he did bleed that time he took it off. Howard said he'd love to rip that thing off. He said he might be able to tell a singer that they're awful and maybe shove the toupee in their mouth.
Howard said they could put the toupee in a remote control car and chase people off stage. He said he'd love to do the Howie Mandel thing and make him wear the toupee. Howard let Bobo go after that.
Howard said Bobo was having a break down. He said that he would love to have the toupee on TV and have it drop down like a rubber chicken. Howard said maybe they could have his toupee move off his head and on to Howie's head with wires. He said he's too ahead of his time though. Howard said that's talent and fun.
Howard asked what follows America's Got Talent. He said they could have the toupee move into that show too. It would be a whole night of Bobo's toupee. Howard said maybe he could have it on a fishing line and he could pull it off like that.
Lisa said that Debbie the Pet Lady has broken up with her partner for AGT. She said that she found out about her criminal past and cut it off.
Howard said that Lisa is so thin. He said she must be a size 0. Lisa said she is a double 0. She said that she works hard to keep in shape. She said she runs but doesn't eat a lot on the weekend. Howard said he has to get back into running. He said he's paranoid about getting sick and run down. He said he has a big belly again.
Howard said he has to be healthy for the radio. He said he's afraid he's going to get run down. Robin asked what the point in being healthy is if you're going to be run down.
Lisa said that Van Halen was doing a show last week and in the middle of Panama David Lee Roth got his ear piece and said he was listening to a replay of the Stern Show. Howard thought it was during a rehearsal but Gary said it was during a show. Howard said he wanted those guys to come in but they're not doing press. Gary said they all turned them down. Gary said that he was trying to work with a publicists but she was fired while he was in discussions with her. Gary said he thinks that David can't talk at all during the tour because he might fuck the whole thing up. He said it might be like the Eagles and Joe Walsh. Gary said David says stuff that he doesn't even know he's saying. Howard said even Michael Anthony got into trouble over nothing. They kicked him out for saying Sammy is okay. Howard said they kicked his ass right out the door.
Howard said he went to the Knick game the other night and heard that Alex Van Halen was there but he never saw him. He said there was an old dude talking to him and he thought maybe that was him. He said it wasn't him though. Howard said Tracy Morgan was pissed that they stuck him in the third row. He said Tracy just yells shit out the whole time.
Howard said he sat next to Magic Johnson and he was talking about the game the whole time and he didn't understand half of what he was saying. Howard said Magic knows a lot about the game of course. He said that Magic didn't care about this Jeremy Lin guy though. He said that it was a guy on the Cavs that Magic was taken with.
Howard said Magic wants to come to the America's Got Talent taping. He said he called there the other day asking for tickets. Gary said he's going to go to that and he might come on the show. Howard said Magic wants him to go to the opening of his play. That's the only catch. Gary said he thinks that Howard is busy that night. Howard said ''Oh yeah, yeah... I'm busy.'' Gary said he's serious though. He said he thinks that's a taping night for AGT.
Howard said he was at the Knicks game and Beth wanted to take a picture with Magic. Howard said he didn't want to bother the guy. He said that he didn't want it to be like the Paul McCartney thing where he gets turned down. Howard said Magic is a big dude. He said his hands are huge. Howard said Magic had a friend where who was helping to interpret what Magic was saying. Howard said he feels like such a woman when he's talking sports. He said he pretends he knows stuff but he really doesn't.
Howard said he wishes that Magic would get up and play. He said the guy is really busy though. He said he was flying out to Los Angeles before the game was even over.
Howard said that Walt Frazier has a restaurant opening. He said that those things don't work out very often. Howard said Walt is opening this place and he's going to have his own lounge space for when he's in town. Howard said he remembers Walk hanging out at some places when he was a kid. He said that he must have been fucking a lot of chicks back then. Howard said he has to get Walt in there to talk about those days.
Howard read an article about this Madam in New York who got caught. Howard said that there are guys who are shocked that their names might show up in her black book. Howard said that of course you're going to get caught. Howard said this woman had up to 50 women under her. Howard asked Lisa if she's ever thought about doing something like that. Lisa said it sounds like easy money. Howard asked Lisa if she could do it. Lisa said she'd be nauseous. Howard read more about this woman and what she had going on with her service. Howard said they say that the women were $2000 an hour and the good customers would get a discount. Howard said he imagines getting a discount in one of those ValPak mailer things.
Howard said that this woman only too 40 percent of the profits. He said that's pretty good for a call girl to get 60 percent. Howard said that he'd only take 50 percent from Lisa and Robin. Lisa said she needs some extra cash. She got in a plug for tonight's Superfan Roundtable. Howard let her go after that.
Howard said that Mitt Romney really has no luck. He said he still thinks he'll be the nominee but they're going to torture the guy. Howard said some of the states in the south were voting for Santorum and he doesn't understand it. Gary said Gingrich won Georgia. He said that you think that he's out and then he wins a state. He told Howard about Gingrich falling asleep waiting to do an appearance on some show. Howard said that he has a lot of stuff to get to but he has to take a break.
JD said they had a commercial last year about having an app so you can check Facebook in the car. Howard said it was hands free though.
Howard read about a female teacher who fucked her 17 year old female student. Howard said the teacher is kind of cute too. Howard said he wishes he had something like that going on when he was in school. Howard said they claim they had sex in the classroom during school hours. Howard wondered how they pulled that off. He said the teacher has resigned from the school. Howard said she faces up to 10 years in jail. Howard said he's thinking the student might have been up for it.
Howard said that he had to meet a teacher after school for tutoring and she actually tutored him. He said that was it. She took a good look at him and just wanted to do her job. Howard said he was so hot that they just wanted to be professional with him.
Howard said he did have some crushes on his teachers. He said Mrs. Ginsburgh was cute but he's pretty sure she hated him. Howard said they had language lab and he couldn't remember one Spanish phrase. Howard said she hated him for that. He said he had language labs and he'd get a phrase to remember and she'd ask him to repeat it and he had no idea what it was. Howard said she was very cute.
Howard said he would have done any of his female teachers. He said there was one who was like 80 so he wouldn't have done her.
Howard said if he had fucked his teacher he wouldn't have had anyone to brag to. He said his dad isn't the one to talk to. He said he had Mrs. Lazar one year. He said he's not sure how he even got into that class. He said he got into reading one year and his reading comprehension scores were really high. He said he started reading comic books after that and his score dropped. Howard said he was smart for one year. Howard said he had no idea what anyone was talking about though. He said it was a complete waste of a year.
Howard said Mrs. Lazar wasn't that hot. He said that she always bragged she had Sandra Dee in her class. Howard said she would critique her movies and he just thought she should fuck off. He said she was actually a very nice lady but he didn't think she should be critiquing movies. Howard said he was shocked that someone from that shitty community got into movies. He was impressed.
Gary came in and said that you don't want to look like a douche on the show. Howard said that crying might make you look like a douche. Gary said that George Takei got fired this week. He said he's too nice a guy. He said that they got rid of him for being too nice. Gary said that Adam Carolla was having a good time building stuff. He said Adam kicked Lou out of the area because he and Paul Teutul Sr. were busy building stuff. Gary said that Dee Snider broke his finger on the show and he had to go to the hospital. He said that it's like all of their people just hanging out on the show. Howard said he'd just ask to be fired, who cares? Gary said George seemed to care. Howard said it seems like the worst thing to be on Celebrity Apprentice. He said that it's the bottom of the barrel. He said that it might be even lower than being on Dancing with the Stars. Gary said that it is kind of sad for people like Arsenio. He said that it's good for Michael Andretti and Paul Teutul. He said that they're getting major exposure. Gary said that it seems to be the same group of people migrating from one show to another. Howard wrapped up with Mutt after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who is in St. Louis and said he's going to be at a taping out there. He said that Howard is going to be busy there. Howard said they have him booked up out there. He said that no one is sending him the schedule so he has no idea what he's doing.
Robin read about Lindsay Lohan and how photographers mistook Debbie Harry from Blondie as Lindsay Lohan. Howard said Debbie is like 100 years old. Robin said she must be a little rough if they're making that mistake.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked why he takes Ambien and not just a sleeping pill. Howard said that's what Ambien is. Howard said he rarely takes it. He said he's had the same prescription for like 8 years. He said he only takes it when he fears he can't get to sleep. Howard said the stuff works for him. Robin said she could put placebos in there and it would work the same.
The caller asked if she can have tickets to the New York taping. Howard asked Gary if they can make that happen. The caller begged. Howard asked if she's hot. She said she's 43. Howard said she may not get in the front row. Gary said they can take her name. Howard put her on hold so they could get her name.
Robin said they say that John Lennon was tormented by an eating disorder. Robin said a writer has released an interview he did with a friend where he talked about his eating disorder. He would over eat and it frightened him. Robin said he had food fetishes and he loved eating Rice Crispies with ice cream on top. Howard said that's gross. He said it may not even be true. Robin said he was a binger and purger according to this article.
Howard took a call from a guy who said everyone in Texas shakes hands. Howard said he's fine with that. He shakes hands and then uses some hand sanitizer. He said he even hugs people. He said he is a man of the people. The caller said in Austin even the guy checking you out at the market will shake your hand. Howard said he's okay with that.
Robin said that Jonah Hill shook Howard's hand. Howard said he thinks that he remembered when it was too late. Howard said he used Purell after that. He said no one even sees him do that. He said Beth helps with that. He said she'll slip it to him when he's in public. Toni carries some for him too during the taping. He said it's like he's taking a bath during the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to thank him for the years of laughs. He also said Howard would like to be visited by a spirit. He said a few years ago Howard said he had met the devil and god in the dessert. Howard said that's true. The caller said that means that he met a spirit. Howard said this guy has to be locked up immediately. He said there's something wrong with him. The caller said that he does find everyone annoying. Robin said he's normal then. Howard said he met the Devil and God while he was locked up in a cage in Vietnam with John McCain. The caller said that story is B.S. then. Howard said ''No, it's real.'' Howard said he had to get out of this conversation.
Howard said he's just living his life and if he meets a god when he's dead then fine. Howard said he'll find out when he dies. Howard and the caller were talking about whether or not animals and worms go to heaven. The caller said he doesn't know. He said he does know that you do go to heaven.
Howard said someone corrected them about Einstein. Howard said this guy wrote in and said he was an Atheist. Howard said that the guy says that Einstein said that he does not believe in a personal god. They had to go to break after that.
After the break, around 9:40am, Howard came back and said that Robin took a lot of heat in the email yesterday about her ''energy'' discussion. Howard said that people called her out about that death discussion. Robin said she was just asking about it.
Howard said that someone was writing in about Eric the Midget and how great his call was. Howard said one guy wants him to stop taking calls from Pittsburgh Pete. Howard said that he doesn't even think people know it's Pete. Howard said there was some feedback about the Craigslist guy and how they know people who scam guys all the time and make them stand on a street corner waiting with roses so they can goof on them.
Howard said someone wrote in about how Siri is wrong about how far St. Louis is from New York. Howard said they say that the flight is more like 2 and a half hours, not one and a half. Howard said he has to take that flight anyway.
Robin got back to her news and read about how they're advising spring breakers not to go to Mexico. Robin said they say that they still have more to do down there to protect people. Robin had an audio clip of someone talking about that. Robin said there are still serious problems down there even in the resort areas. Howard said he won't even go down there anymore. He used to go there on vacation.
Robin read about Kirk Cameron coming out and saying he's not against gay people. He's there to love all people but he's allowed to voice his opinion. Howard said the guy is a moron. He said he wants to keep people who are gay from getting married. Howard said he probably believes they should be put to death but he's afraid to say so. Howard said he should shut up and just fuck that chick he married during Growing Pains. Howard said he's not even sure how he got booked to be on a TV show. Howard said the miracle is that he got booked on Piers Morgan's show.
Robin read about how Oprah is going to be interviewing Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Christina. Robin said that she sat down with Winfrey to share stories about her mom. Howard said they hid this girl away and now she's going to come out and be on TV and everything. Robin said that Oprah embraces her at one point and Bobbi smiles as she describes her as the love of Whitney's life.
Howard had JD's dad, Chuck, on the phone but his phone connection was awful. Chuck said he's going to be out in St. Louis to see him there. He said he would like to get a picture but you can't bring a camera in there. Howard said they keep that all secret. Howard said he'll see him out there. Howard said JD must be pissed because his dad will drive 6 hours to see him but not to see JD. Chuck said he would drive to see his son. Howard said he was just kidding. Howard wondered if JD knew his dad was coming to see him.
Gary said JD asked him for the tickets. He said that the producer asked to be told when he was there so they can treat him right. Howard said maybe he can take care of his dad in some way for JD. JD came in and said he hopes that he doesn't bother him. Howard said he'll be fine. He said he's insulated from all of that.
Howard asked JD if he's okay with sharing him with his dad. JD told him to get the fuck outta here. Howard said his dad is asking for a picture of him and he never does that with JD. JD was sick so Howard told him to get the fuck out of there. Howard said maybe he can get Chuck up on stage there. JD said he's kind of funny but he doesn't really do anything else. Howard said he'll say hi to his dad while he's out there.
Robin got back to her news and read about this new law in Utah that they're trying to pass. It would delay abortions for 3 days. Howard said they settled this whole thing in the 1960s.
Robin read about the Super Tuesday results and how Santorum had a very strong showing. Robin had some audio of some people talking about that. Robin read some results too. Robin said that Ron Paul didn't win any of the contest. She had some audio of Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich talking about the whole thing.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she loves Howard so much she's getting a tattoo that says ''All I need is Howard in my life.'' She wanted to write it on her own. Howard told her not to write it herself. He told her to go on DaFont.com and find a nice font to use. Howard said she can show the tattoo guy what to do that way. Howard said that's what he did. Howard said that if you write it in your own then it's like a prison tattoo. Mariann said she thought it was more personal if she wrote it herself. Howard told her not to do that. Howard said he's a real stickler for the cleanliness of the needles. He said he makes them show him how they're going to do it clean. Mariann started to say something else but Howard hung up on her.
Robin had more audio clips from people like Sarah Palin, Herman Cain and others about the primaries. Howard said that Herman is really into Robin too. He played some ''Ophelia'' clips from the fake Herman Cain that was on the show.
Howard said he was reading that Hulk Hogan might be in a home sex tape. Howard said they say it's an old video of him getting naked with an unidentified brunette. Howard said he would watch that. Howard said he's curious. He said he'd like to see what he's packing. Benjy said he'd like to see it too. Fred had no desire to see it. Benjy asked if he thinks he has a big or average one. Howard said his wife said he has a small one. Howard said he has made tapes but he immediately destroyed them.
Robin read about the Rush Limbaugh controversy. She had some audio of Jon Stewart going off on Rush on The Daily Show. Howard said what Jon was saying is basically what Rachel Maddow was saying too. Robin said that Imus jumped in on this too. Howard played that tape and Imus said he'd make Rush go down and apologize to the woman's face. Howard said that's probably what Imus had to do to the women he offended when he called them ''nappy headed hoes.'' Robin read about how 29 advertisers have pulled out of Rush's show. Robin said his head won't be removed from Missouri's hall of fame. Howard said he had no idea it was even in there. Robin read about how they have no plans to remove him from the Missouri state house.
Robin read about the New York Madam and how she's being called a flight risk. Her attorney is saying that Elliot Spitzer never went to jail so there is a hypocrisy there. Robin said she's not sure what kind of defense that is.
Robin read about how Ray Kelly and the New York police have been doing surveillance on people all up and down the east coast. Howard said he likes that. Howard said they've stopped 14 attempts on another 9/11 type attack. Howard said there is nothing illegal about what they're doing. Howard said it's all fine. Howard said that we should let sanity rule. He said we're going to get our asses blown up if we don't let them do their job. Howard said next time it could be nuclear. Robin read about how what Kelly's people are saying and how they're just trying to keep people safe.
Robin read about the movie ''John Carter'' that's coming out this week. Robin had some audio of Willem Defoe talking about the movie. Howard sounds interested in this movie. He said he'll watch anything like this. He said it looks terrific. Robin had some audio of Taylor Kitch talking about it too.
Robin read about Justin Bieber's mother writing a book about her own life. Howard said that it's basically Justin Bieber's story though. Robin said she's going to talk about her own problems and how she turned her life around being a single, teen, mother.
Robin read about American Idol and how they've picked their finalists. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:15am.
Gary and Jon also talked about Sue Simmons being fired and how Lisa G reacted. Gary said that it is unfair but that's the way things go. Jon said they should get Lisa in there to talk about that later.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Matt Paxton and the Hoarders stories he was telling. Gary said that they got the email about that guy and Will was the one who said he probably has some great stories. Gary said he was great on the air. Will said that he was great and he had some amazing stories in the pre-interview. Will said he was hooked when he told the story about the 45,000 pounds of feces. Gary said he liked when he said he put cotton balls in his ears and taped up his asshole to keep the bugs out in one house.
Gary said the fact that the guy hires convicts to work for him was interesting too. Jon asked Gary about his mom hoarding and why he thinks she did it. Gary said she kept it because she thought she was going to get to it eventually. Gary said he isn't a hoarder but he does collect some stuff. He said he has piles of shit around his house. He said he had a closet full of electronics. He said he thought for sure he'd use it one day. He said he has it all in a big pile and he's getting rid of it this weekend. He said it's not that easy to just take it and get rid of it though. He said he has to move it from A to B and then to the dump.
Jon asked Will if he's a hoarder. Will said that he really isn't. Jon asked who they think is the worst hoarder around. Gary said Benjy used to do what Will does and he had lots of envelopes coming out all over the place. Benjy said he does have hoarding tendencies. He said he will have four tubes of toothpaste and things like that. He said anything sentimental is something else he'd keep. He said that he loves to throw out things that are destroyed and he won't have any feelings about it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was on hold during that Hoarding segment. He asked how hoarding equates to filth. He said that he understands that keeping stuff fills up the house but he's not sure why they piss in bottles and shit all over the house. Gary said with his mother it wasn't dirty. He said his mom was very clean. He said that dirt won out over hoarding. He said that if she found mouse droppings near her stuff she'd throw it away. Benjy said someone who has shit all over the house might not be a hoarder. He said that it might be something else. Gary said the original hoarders were these people in the Hamptons who kept newspapers in their apartment. He said Al Goldstein was like that. He said he had pieces of watches all over the house and the house was a mess with other stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who said there's a difference between a hoarder and a pack rat. He said he keeps hold of stuff that he might use. He said he thinks that if he throws it away he might need it the next day. Gary said that a pack rat might be a hoarder in training.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Gary should throw everything out now to save his kids from doing it in the future. He said his parents died and their house was full of garbage. He said they had nothing valuable. Gary said he did his mother's house twice and it was a lot of stuff. He said he was shocked at the stuff that she saved and moved. He said she moved empty boxes from her home up there to her home in Florida.
Benjy wondered if people will go through people's email when they pass away in the future. Gary said he wouldn't.
Jon said that JD has a lot of stuff in his office. He said Robin does too. Gary said he'd like to see what Robin has put in her office. He said that JD is messy but he's not a hoarder. Gary said he doesn't think that JD is attached to any of that stuff in his office.
Benjy said that he has gotten better about his stuff. Will said that Benjy saves his jokes from the show and he had like 6 or 7 boxes of jokes all over the apartment. Gary asked if there's any order to it. Benjy said there isn't. Gary said it's useless then. Will said he has pieces of paper that just say ''toothbrush'' on them. Gary said Stuttering John used to save his jokes too. He said he'd use them when he was trying to get a raise from Tom Chiusano. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon said that Ronnie experienced this with his mom. Ronnie said it was one of the worst experiences in his life. He said cleaning out that house was bad. He said that his mom went in for surgery and he had cleaned the house out for that. 5 years later she passed away and it was worse than the first time. Ronnie said the house was full of boxes and containers and all kinds of stuff.
Ronnie said that his mom was obsessed with QVC and he could have opened up a jewelry store with all of the stuff she had. He said he donated it all to a charity. He said it was insane.
Gary said that he threw out a lot of stuff of his mom's and she would cringe when she heard it going into the dumpster. He had to ask the guys to take it easy and not break stuff that she could hear.
Gary and Ronnie went back and forth talking about their mom's and what they were going through. Ronnie said that he had to get 3 trucks to come and take stuff out of his mom's house. Gary said that he had a fan come over because his mom was selling stuff of his from when he was a kid. He said that the guy got a bunch of stuff from when he was in school. Gary said that he got it back and he's glad he has it. Gary said that his mother had put all of this stuff out and the guy opened up the box and saw all of his shit.
Ralph called in and said that he likes the way Gary was talking about getting rid of stuff and how he has to move them from one pile to another. Gary said he has computers and TiVos that he doesn't use. He said if he gets to them to the dump before April then he'll be surprised. Ralph said he has a lot of stuff that takes a long time to get rid of too.
Jason said he's got a box of wires he's been collecting since high school. Jason said he threw out the whole box and then he needed a wire like the next day. He said you do have to be careful what you throw out.
Ralph said he has eBay stuff that will never make it to eBay. Gary said he has a bag full of cell phones that he keeps.
Jon said that Howard was talking about his trip to St. Louis and he sounds like he's getting tired of the whole thing. Ralph said it's been a very busy week with his wardrobe this week. He said that he's probably just stressing over that. He said they're doing some custom things right now.
Jason said that Howard was talking about doing pick up shots. Ralph said that he has to bring the clothes from L.A. and San Francisco for those. Gary said hopefully he won't have to take it all with him once he's back in New York. Ralph said he's going to Austin with Howard.
Jon asked Ronnie about the trip to St. Louis and what's going on out there. Ronnie said he thinks more people come from all over the place for that taping. They are doing 3 days but Ronnie said that they've changed it to two days from 3. He said the whole thing changes all the time. They had to go to break after that.
Gary asked what his dad could say that would upset him. JD said he's afraid that he'd piss off Howard. JD said he gets nervous when his dad just calls in.
Jason asked if he gets upset when they talk about his dad or his mom. JD said that his mom did get upset but things aren't so bad now. He said his dad has said that he'd rather not hear some things on the air but he's okay.
Gary said that they've all been there. He said that his mom and dad loved the show but there were a couple of things they weren't happy about. Gary said his mom called Howard's mom about something Howard said once. He said that was embarrassing.
Jon said that Bobo called in today too and he might be ''the'' Superfan of the show. He rescheduled his surgery so he can go to see Howard on America's Got Talent. Gary said that Mariann has a deep love and Bobo has an affliction. Shuli came in and said that he's also one of the scariest people. He said it's not normal to schedule surgery around the show.
Jason said he's not a big Bobo fan but he thinks that he might be the biggest fan. He has a shrine and schedules his life around the show. He said he's the biggest fan. Benjy said there might be bigger fans who are in such awe of the show that they don't call in.
Shuli said that Bobo's mood changes when he doesn't get on the air. Jason said that it's not that big of a deal to move a procedure. He asked Gary if he's ever moved one so he could see a TV show. Gary said he would move it if he had to do something important.
Bobo called in and said that you never hear it from people that they're bigger fans than him. Bobo said that if it was a life and death thing he wouldn't reschedule it. He said that this ass surgery isn't life and death.
Gary said that Bobo was surprisingly easy to get along with. He said that maybe he's worse now than he was in the past. Bobo said he's not.
Jon asked Bobo about his toupee and how he's never taken it off in front of his wife. Bobo said it's embarrassing. He said he would never do that. He said his wife knew right from the start. He said she's a hair dresser. He said she knew that he had a toupee. He said she called him out on it on their first date. Bobo said he feels funny about showing her what it's like with it off. He said she loves him the way he is.
Gary asked Bobo if he ever thought about moving that toupee into this millennium. Shuli said it's like a Joe Dirt toupee or something. They had to end the show at 11:00am.
Various Stuff. 3/8/02. 6:05am
Howard was in a foul mood first thing this morning. He said that people are filthy stinking liars and they will screw you every step of the way. He complained about what a horrible world it is. He found out that his broken thumb is worse than he thought it was. He said it's broken in 3 places and his new doctor is telling him that he won't be able to exercise. The other doctor that he spoke to the day before said that he would be able to exercise. If he does work out then the bones might separate and really screw it up. He's really upset that he won't be able to work out now. He said he took a shower yesterday and it took him an hour because of the broken thumb. He didn't even get a new splint put on because the doctor didn't want to mess with it until next Tuesday.
Howard said that his girlfriend had to see him in a foul mood yesterday and he hates that. He said he wasn't even in pain and he ended up taking a few Vicodin to calm himself down. He said Beth saw a side of him she hadn't seen yet.
KC came in and asked Howard if he's ''dropped a deuce'' yet. Howard told him he did take a dump but he's left handed when he wipes. He said he usually gets in the shower to rinse himself down after doing that but now he can't because of the thumb. Howard said he's really mad at Marco Battaglia who accidentally smashed his thumb. He was blaming him for ruining his happiness.
Howard got a bit of e-mail about his broken thumb. Most people are sorry to hear about it and are angry at Marco for accidentally smashing it. He read through a few of those e-mails and some other stuff that he's gotten lately.
Howard read an article about a woman who hit a homeless man with her car. The guy's head got stuck in her windshield. She drove home with the guy still stuck in her windshield and parked her car in the garage. She locked it up and left the guy there for a few days until he died. Howard read the article and said that the woman apologized to the guy every once in a while until he died. The guy kept asking for help but she wouldn't do anything about it. She was eventually arrested. After the guy died she and a friend dumped the body in a park. The article said that she was caught when someone heard her talking about the incident at a party and turned her in. They claim that the woman may have been on Ecstasy the night she hit the guy.
Howard said that Milla Jovovich was supposed to be on the show yesterday but she canceled and said there was a scheduling conflict. Howard had promoted the appearance ahead of time and he thinks that one of her friends might have told her not to do the show. Howard said ''shame on you'' and ''you suck'' to her. Howard said she probably backed out because she'd have to do a real interview for once. Howard thought about which one of her friends might have told her not to do the show and came up with Bruce Willis. She and Bruce were in ''The Fifth Element'' together so maybe he told her not to do it. Howard and Robin talked about Bruce for a couple of minutes. They talked about how bad his harmonica playing is which led to Howard saying that Alanis Morissette is also a really bad harmonica player on her new album ''Under Rug Swept.''
In the clip Howard said that Stuttering John has been imitating him and he doesn't tell them when he's fooling them. John came in and said that he tells everyone. Howard told John not to do it anymore. John said he's never going to do it again. Howard said the phones there are his phones, not John's phone. John said he had a guy call asking for him so he was fooling him. Howard told him not to do it anymore. He said that person who called was fooled and didn't know it wasn't him.
Robin said John knew that he was going to hear about it on the air. Robin said she's told John not to do it before. John said the guy is a friend of his too. Howard said the guy is a friend of his. He said that he's not calling to get into it with John. Howard said he doesn't like John, he likes Howard.
Howard asked John if he thinks that it's okay to fool the guy just because he asked for him. Howard told John never to do it again. He had John repeat after him. He had him say that he's just a lowly intern. John added that he's the most famous intern too. Howard said John is demoted and not an associate producer anymore. Howard said John can't handle it.
Howard told John not to do it anymore. He said he doesn't want him doing him on his phone. John said that's fine. He said he won't answer the phone anymore then. John said they have to answer the phone ''Hello, Infinity Broadcasting...'' John said that's what they have to do according to Gary. Howard said he's glad they're having this discussion. John said they have to answer the phones that way. Howard told John to listen to him. He told him that he should just say ''Howard Stern Show'' and that's it.
Howard said John and Jackie are on another planet. He said that John was telling Jackie to go national. He said that Jackie isn't going national without this show.
Howard said the person who called John is a very powerful man in the business. Howard was talking about that guy and said that John was staring at him and he has to stop it. Howard said he has this weird look he's giving him. John said that he can't help it.
Howard said John thinks that he can get his career going. Howard said he could help him but he'd rather just give him some money. He said he and Tommy Mottola were talking about doing an album and he had to bring John up to him. Howard said he called Mr. Mottola and told him he thought John's music was very good. He said he told Tommy that he works for him and he's very good. He told him the name of the group, Josie Sang, and Tommy said ''Mmm Hmm.'' Howard said Tommy asked what his name was and Tommy asked if that's the stuttering, pimple faced loser that works up there. Howard said that's him. John said he hopes that everyone out there knows that they're just joking around.
John said Howard has heard his much and he liked it. Howard said he took it to his car and played it yesterday. Howard said he wasn't clear if it was good or not. He said he had to listen before sending it to Tommy. He said he liked it so he will send it to Tommy. He said he's putting his ass on the line for John. He said John has to stop doing the impression of him. John said he'll stop and he'll take his impression off his answering machine. He quickly said he was just kidding about it being on the answering machine.
Robin said that John spent about 20 seconds stuttering to Gary about making that call. Howard said John was hovering over him while he made the call. He said he had to tell him to get out of there. They spent a little more time on that and then wrapped up.
Gary's Teeth Discussed. 3/8/00. 7:10am
Howard and the gang were talking about game shows when the subject somehow changed to Gary's teeth. Gary came in and said that he was at the dentist yesterday having his gums scraped. He told Howard that it's a four week project that the dentist is doing. He said his dentist does this stuff in four ''quadrants''. Of course that led to Howard and the rest of the crew goofing on the size of Gary's teeth for about 20 minutes. They couldn't believe that his giant teeth had to be broken down into quadrants to be worked on. They were joking about how they must fly crews in to his mouth to work on his teeth and gums. Gary said that he has problems with gum disease so the dentist has to scrape all of the crap out from under them. Jackie said that Gary with gum problems is like a giraffe with a sore throat.
Since they were already goofing on Gary Howard decided to bring in the ''Sweet Baba Booey Quartet'' formerly known as the ''8-Balls''. The barbershop quartet has been heard on the show in the past singing their ''Sweet Baba Booey'' song. They performed the song live this morning as well as a new song that Jackie wrote about Gary's teeth. They also sang a song about Howard's nose but he didn't think the lyrics were funny. The guys were in to promote some kind of Barbershop Quartet club they have.
In the clip Howard was doing his helicopter report as Mama Lookaboobooday. Mama and Robin were talking about some things in the news and that led to Mama talking about going to Vietnam and how people thought it was a vacation. Mama talked about how the game of dominoes works and explained what the domino theory is. Robin didn't understand it how Mama was explaining it. They were going back and forth about that for a couple of minutes.
Mama gave Robin the traffic report next. Mama ran through that and gave Robin the details before they wrapped up with that.
Shane And Annie Want To Wrestle Benjy. 03/08/05. 8:15am
Howard came back from break and played some new song parodies. One featured John the Stutterer and the other was Richard Simmons clips. Howard went on to talk about a couple of bumpers they had to stop using because of the new rules they have at the station. He mentioned what they were about but the delay was hit when he mentioned them.
Howard brought in wrestling chicks Annie Social (AnnieSocial.com) and Shane Hardcore (CheerleaderSpa.com) who wanted to wrestle Benjy. Howard talked to the girls a little bit but he wasn't sure he wanted to let them wrestle Benjy or not. The girls work for the Women's Extreme Wrestling and end up getting their clothes ripped off when they wrestle. Annie and Shane said that they have wrestled each other. The girls said that they are the tag team champions of the WEW. Howard had trouble getting the WEW thing straight. He thought they were part of the WWE but that's not the case. The girls said that they do have a script they're supposed to follow when they wrestle so they do know who's going to come out on top in the end. The girls used to be strippers and they still dance at Cheerleaders in Philadelphia.
Howard asked the girls if they really wanted to wrestle Benjy. They said they did but they would be double teaming him. Benjy said that if he wins, all of the guys at the station get to come in and feel them up. The girls apparently had a funny look on their faces when they heard that. One of the girls got mad at Richie from E! for some reason. Howard told the girls that he'd also give the girls $500 in prize money if they won. One of the girls said that she really wanted breast implants. Gary told her that the $500 was a good start. Howard said that they would have three 30 second rounds. If Benjy pins one of them, they lose and the guys from the station get to come in and feel them up. The girls didn't sound all that interested in doing that. One of the girls said she wanted Robin to feel her up instead of the guys. Robin had no desire to do that though.
Gary said that one of the girls was going to just get thrown down to the floor within seconds. She said she weighs 128 pounds and Benjy said he weighs about 3 times that. Howard decided to let the match go on so Benjy went over to the girls, dressed in only a jock strap. He was showing his cellulite ridden ass and the girls said they had no idea that's how they had to wrestle him. They started the round a short time later. Benjy pinned one of them within a few seconds. Annie said that Benjy jumped on her boobs immediately and hurt her. She was holding her breast and said that she hoped that he didn't pop one of her implants. Annie ended up going back on her agreement and said that she wasn't going to let the guys feel her up. She eventually agreed to do it again but she wasn't going to let the guys feel her up. She really didn't think she was going to lose so that's why she made the bet. She didn't want to pay up on her lost bet. Shane was ready to go through with her bet but Annie was confused about what to do. Howard told her that if she wanted to be known as a reneger, she can avoid the feeling up. She agreed to let them do it but Howard felt weird about the whole thing and decided not to do it. Gary said that if Howard was a bookie and she backed out on a bet like that, her legs would be broken already. Howard decided to throw the chicks out of there because Annie was bumming them out so much. Shane was still willing to do it but Howard and Gary thought that the whole mood of the room was brought down.
Gary thought that the girls may have forgotten that they weren't being scripted this morning. The girls said that they were kind of thrown by the way Benjy's ass was out and how he was so rough with them. Gary told the girls that Benjy could have picked them up over his head and thrown them down if he wanted. Benjy asked Annie if she wanted to do it again. Howard didn't want her to do it again and told her he was letting her off the hook. Mike Gange asked if she would just show her breasts instead. She whipped them out a short time later and showed the guys. Shane showed off her breasts as well even though she wants implants. Howard and Artie thought they were fine the way they were though. Howard asked to see her ass but Benjy turned around and showed his ass instead. Annie was just about in tears according to Gary. She said she was very nervous at that point. Howard told the girls to go back to stripping because wrestling didn't seem to be their thing. He gave them $500 each courtesy of the movie ''Hostage.'' That didn't help because Annie was still crying and covering up her face. Howard went to break a short time later. The girls had mentioned the web site FiuFiu.com at one point during the segment. They said they get some of their clothing from the site.
In the clip Howard took the call and the woman told him about her first anal sex experience the night before. Howard played Andy Dick's ''Little Brown Ring'' song for her and then heard her story. The caller said they fooled around first and smoked some weed. She said she's 46 and this was her first time doing that. She said it was very intense. She said that it hurt at first but then she relaxed and it was wonderful. She said it was so cool.
Howard asked if she had heard about it on the show and then wanted to try it. She said that is what she did. She said that she used some KY and a condom and it was great. She told Howard she'd let him do anything to her too. Howard asked if the guy prepared her first. She said he did all kinds of stuff. She said it lasted a long time because he was going real slow. She said the guy was 34 and he's a white man. She's black. Howard had to let the woman go because he was getting a headache from her.
Lynn 'Cliff Palette' Has Passed Away. 03/08/06. 9:40am
Howard picked up the phone and spoke to Cliff's mother Amber who said that Cliff did pass away yesterday. She said that he had been diagnosed with blood cancer recently and thought that he had another 10 years to live. They didn't know that he was going to pass away so soon. Robin said they didn't know that he was in that bad a shape. Amber told Howard that Cliff, actually Lynn, had passed out while he was at home yesterday. She said that he had just come from the hospital on Saturday but he was at home.
Howard apologized to Amber for going off on her in the past about not getting the operation to fix Lynn's cleft palette. She said that Lynn asked her to leave that alone and drop it because it was an inside joke with the show. Howard told Amber that Lynn was actually cute with the way he would giggle on the phone when he'd talk to him. He's really going to miss that.
Lynn was a huge fan of the show and he used to hang out with Artie at shows and stuff. Artie said that he never bothered anyone and wouldn't expect anything from him. Howard said he'd love to put together a retrospective of his old shows but CBS won't let him have his tapes so that won't happen.
Howard said that Cliff didn't have a lot of luck with women and his mother confirmed that. She said that he did have a couple of jobs though. Howard said that he was probably a good guy to have around the house and his mother confirmed that. She said that it's going to be a big adjustment for her now that he's not going to be around. She said that his body was donated to science. They can't use the body for harvesting but he did want to be donated to science so medical students will be using his body. Howard said he's a really good dude and he could never do that himself.
Howard said that they will use the body for a while, then cremate him. She said that they will have a memorial service this Friday down in Dallas at the Episcopal Church of the Ascension. Howard apologized to her once again for saying things about her in the past. She said that was fine because Lynn led them on with the cleft palette thing.
Howard said he was looking at a picture of Lynn with Yucko the Clown. Artie said that Lynn was really loved by the fans and effected many lives. Amber said that anyone who wants to donate money can send it to that church. Howard told Amber to come visit them if she's ever in New York City.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that Cliff was a true gentleman and they have hung out a couple of times. He said he's really going to miss him and he was a great guy. Howard asked him if ever measured Cliff's penis like he admitted to doing during the Wack Pack Revelations. Eric said that didn't happen.
Eric said that he's going to George Flowers' meeting today where he'll be learning how to eat healthier. Howard found it hard to believe that George would invited Eric to something like that. Eric said that he's going to have to bring his lunch up there today. Howard said that here's the class, ''Don't eat so much...'' That's how simple it is. Benjy said he was invited to the class but he's not going. Program Director Tim Sabean is in the class as well. Eric said he heard that Erica Phillips is also in the class.
Howard said that Eric probably eats a ton of food. Artie said he's seen it and it's a non-stop eating machine. He just keeps eating. Howard said that his revelation was great though. He talked about how Eric admitted to touching another guy while they were ''measuring'' each other's penises. Artie was goofing on Eric about that story and calling him a ''fat, fuckin, homo, fruit'' among other things.
The guys talked more about Cliff Palette passing away. They never thought that he would pass away before Jeff the Drunk, High Pitch Eric, Beetlejuice or even Artie. Howard talked about how weird it was that they hadn't spoken to Cliff in a long time and then the day they do, he passes away. He said that he kept pushing Gary to talk to the guy.
Sal came in and said that they filmed a whole movie about Cliff and they're going to create something for him for the Howard Stern Film Festival. They're not going to put it out as a full movie, they'll just put together a clip thing with music in the background instead.
A woman called in and said that she owns a company that does gravestones and she would like to do something special for Cliff. Howard loved the idea and said that would be great. Richard Christy said that the guy was really a great guy. He would just hang out and didn't ask for anything. He was very low maintenance. Howard said what they were trying to say is that he was just the opposite of High Pitch Eric. Gary said that's so true because Cliff didn't bother him at all while Eric will paw at your back constantly. Howard had to go to another break after that.
300 POUND MAN EATS MARSHMALLOW OUT OF JACKIE'S BUTT! 3-8-96. A 300 pound postal worker from Boston came down this morning to eat a marshmallow out of Jackie's ass just to earn the privilege to meet Elana Beastie from Howard's ''Butt Bongo Fiesta'' video tape. This guy called in last week and volunteered to eat the fluffy white stuff out of Jackie's butt to get one date with Elana. After speaking to Mike for a few minutes Howard had Jackie stick the marshmallow in his naked ass and sit on it through a 5 minute commercial break! After the commercial break Jackie tried to remove the white fluff from it's warm hiding place but the heat from his ass melted the marshmallow in to a sticky white mess that no one could eat. They then pulled out a fresh marshmallow and stuck it ''down low'' in Jackie's crack. Mike sat in his chair and attempted to remove the marshmallow with his mouth. He then got on his knees and shoved his nose right in to Jackie's ass! Jackie jumped a mile in the air and Mike ate the marshmallow and washed it down with some Poland Spring! After another commercial break, Howard brought in Elana to meet the 300 pound man. Elana and Mike seemed to hit it off and they'll be going out and having some fun. Elana likes to beat her men and I think Mike doesn't care what she does to him. Elana is single right now so she can do what she wants with this guy. Good luck Mike! Later in the show Jackie was telling Howard that it was kind of enjoyable to have that thing stuck in his butt. Howard wanted to see if his would melt like Jackie's did so he stuck one in his bunghole for a few minutes. Howard's came out in one piece. Of course Howard had to take a whiff of it, it stunk so he threw it at Jackie.
In the clip Howard was reading a note from a guy who was in a correctional facility. Howard said he had a couple of letters from guys who are locked up. Howard said everyone in prison can turn down their lights and lay on their cots so they can listen to Robin. Howard had some mood music set up and said they're going to call this the Amazon Princess. Howard went into a fake story about how he met Robin on the Rio Negro and his boat capsized. He said that he had to swim and crawl to get to the shore. Howard said he found an entire tribe of young women. He said that they took him into a hut and locked him up. Robin said they were very happy to see him.
Howard said they were all beauties there. He said they humiliated him and got him completely nude. Howard said they brought their queen to him and it turned out to be the Goddess Robin.
Howard talked about how they sexually ravaged him throughout the night. Howard and Robin did the scene together and Robin said they had sometimes 10-20 women with Howard a night. Howard said they kept him tied to that tree for nearly a year. He said he satisfied all of the women in that village for a year. They went on a little long and then wrapped up.
In this clip Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to go out on a date with Robin. The caller told Howard what he looks like and where he lives. Howard said he thinks that he might be able to help him. He said he'll fly him in so he can set him up on a date. The caller said ''no shit?'' so Howard had to hit the delay on him. The caller said he has a vacation coming up in April so maybe he can come in. Howard told the guy he'll set that up for him. He said he has to talk to Robin first though.
Howard asked Robin about what she thinks about this. He said he thinks he has a good heart. Robin said she was listening in and heard him talking about the toe thing. She didn't seem interested in that. Howard said maybe he can bow out and let them talk.
Howard found out the guy's name is Earl. Howard said he needs an African name. Earl said he has one. It's Abdul. Howard told him to use that instead of Earl. He talked about his religious beliefs and stuff like that for a short time. Howard ended up arguing with him about being a follower of other people who are Muslim. Howard asked him some questions about the religion and the guy wasn't able to answer. Howard said he doesn't know enough about the religion. Howard said this guy's real name is Earl.
Howard asked if Earl has seen Robin or not. Earl said he has seen his TV show and he saw Robin on that. He said she was just doing her thing on the show. Earl said he loves full breasts and lips like Robin has. Howard said she has African lips. Earl said he loves that.
Howard asked if Earl is very black and if he has anything carved in the side of his head. Earl said he's from America and he doesn't get cultural like that. Howard said he's just wondering if he has the batman logo or anything like that in his hair. Earl said he doesn't do that. He said he has a short hair cut.
Howard asked Earl a lot of questions about his look. Earl told him he has a ''growtee'' which turns out to be a goatee. Howard asked about how dark his skin is and if he's got a broad, flat nose and things like that. Earl said he has a very unique look that's all his own.
Howard asked Earl how he went ahead and knocked up all of these women he talked about. Earl said when he was younger he didn't have what they call ''dick management.'' He said he went around in a care free kind of way. Howard asked how old he was when he had his first kid. He said he was 17. He said his oldest is about 17 now. Howard asked if he supported them all. Earl said he did.
Howard said the problem is that in most communities it's the norm to impregnate a woman and move on to another woman. Earl said he has friends who do the same thing and they're Italian. Robin said that most of them aren't in jail. She said that she has to say this. Howard said this is where Robin blows her dates. He said no one wants to hear this on a date. Robin said that she'd be ashamed if she was Earl talking about his dick management. She said this is a big issue in the community.
Earl told Howard that his kids are doing very well and they're in school just doing their thing. Howard said he sees that they're getting off on the wrong track. He said he's not saying it's out of the question to date but they're not starting off very well.
Howard said he's going to set Earl up on a love match with Robin. Howard said he will let him come up to the studio to meet her. Howard said he'll see if love blossoms when he comes in. Howard put him on hold to set that up. Robin said she can't believe her luck. Howard said she really knows how to attract them.
In the clip Howard was doing his weather with ''God.'' God was talking to him about the weather and how they were having a food fight up there. Howard said they must have John Belushi up there. Howard asked God to give him the weather but Belushi was interrupting with the food fight.
Sal Asked To Stop Writing To Beth. 03/08/07. 6:40am
Howard read that CBS is trying to save Katie Couric because she's really tanking on the news over there. They're bringing in someone to help reorganize the news department. Howard said they should have some song parodies for her. That led to him saying that Robin had a new one for her news. He was going to hold it until later but Robin wanted to hear it. Gilbert Gottfried actually recorded the song which was called ''Tickling Robin's Clitoris.'' Gilbert really got into it and sang his heart out for that song.
Howard said as long as he was talking about Beth, he asked Sal to stop e-mailing her. He said she really doesn't want to hear from him anymore. Sal has been asking her to forgive him for what he did to her. Howard told her not to write her back because he's extremely creepy. Sal came in and said that he was trying to do the right thing by apologizing. Howard told him to stop writing her. Sal told him it's been 7 weeks since he wrote to her. Howard told him to just stop.
Sal said he thought enough time had gone by since he did what he did. He had made some jokes about Beth in his comedy routine and she found out about it. Gary said that Sal is so obsessed with her that he wanted to come in during the earlier discussion to include himself in it. He said he's like a stalker. Sal kept saying that he let 7 weeks go by before writing to her. Howard told him to not be involved with his life off the air. He said it's bothering him and bothering her so just leave her alone.
Sal asked if he did the wrong thing by apologizing to Beth. Howard told him it's the 9 millionth time he's done it so, yes, it was wrong. Sal said he did it just once. Sal said he guesses he's not invited to the wedding. Howard said Beth figured that's what this was all about. He's trying to get into the wedding so he's apologizing for the whole thing.
Howard said he's going to bring Sal's letter in on Monday. He said he's just a creep and Beth really wants nothing to do with him.
Howard Flips Out On Dallas Station General Manager. 03/08/1995. 11:10am
Up next was a segment from March 8, 1995 when Howard went off on a program director from Dallas. Here's what happened:
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told him about a promo they were running down in Dallas about an upcoming event they had going on. Howard demanded to hear the promo after the caller described it. He said that these stations do really stupid things like that once they get them on.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard they had a guy on the phone who was going to play it for him. In the first clip they had Gary talking about an appearance he was making down there. Howard said he was fine with that one. He told the guy to play him the one that they're talking about. The guy said that was it but then Howard asked to hear the ''good one'' that the caller was talking about.
The guy at the Dallas station said that this second one was the clip that they were talking about. It was another one that Gary did. Howard said there had to be another one. The board operator said that they stopped running that one yesterday but Howard demanded to hear it. The guy said that they didn't have it but Howard told him to play it, it has to be there. The guy eventually played that one and Howard was letting out a lot of ''ughs'' as it was playing.
Howard got all bummed out by the commercial and asked why they have to put his name into that commercial. He said that he had to retire this year if this is the kind of thing he has to suffer though. The board op said that they had another one but he didn't have it available. Howard said that it exists on tape somewhere and he's not hanging up until they find it.
Howard asked the guy what he's supposed to do about this. He said that he wants Donna Fidale, the General Manager at the station, to start thinking about what she's doing down there. He said that you have to project an image about the show down there and this isn't the way to do it.
Howard said he has to get out. He said he wants to move and just get outdoors somewhere. He told Robin that he'd miss her when he leaves. He said he has a feeling that Fred will follow him wherever he goes. He figured that poor Baba Booey would be working on an ice cream truck if he left though.
Howard wanted to hear this commercial that ran during ''The Bone'' on that station. He said that he wants someone to call in with that commercial so he can hear it. He ended up telling Stuttering John to come in there and rape him. He said he didn't even want him to use any lube. He told him he was pulling down his pants so he could rape him right then and there.
Howard said that Gary wasn't there to do it so he had to ask John to come in and do it. He said his cheeks were spread and he was ready to have him rape him. John came in a short time later and asked what he's supposed to do. Howard told him to just rape him and then told him to get away from him. Jackie was giggling as he was telling John what to do.
Howard was goofing on Donna Fidale for a couple of minutes about her accent. He said he wants her to call back in with that promo. He said he needs to control all of the stuff that gets played on these stations he's on. He said that's why he's such a control freak. He said that Donna might be stupider than Tom Chiusano is. He told her to marry Tom and have some nitwit children. He said they could have a whole house of nitwits running around.
In the clip we heard Howard asking John where his big ''W'' was that he asked for. He said he told John to put the W on his forehead. Howard asked Robin if he should replay the tape of what John said to him. Robin said she thinks he should.
Howard had John come in. He said he was yelling at John yesterday and he may have been too tough on him. John said he's fine. Howard said his mom told him he was too rough on John. Howard said he wants to hear the tape back to hear if he was too rough on him. John said it wasn't that bad.
Howard was going to play the tape but he didn't have it yet. He said he shouldn't expect the tapes to be ready for the show when he needs them. Howard said Gary told him Scott was out so he wasn't able to tell him what he needs. He said Gary and Scott are both going to be fired.
Howard said his intentions were good yelling at John. He said he was trying to get some sense into that head of his. He said he has learned his lesson from the school of hard knocks. John said he knows, that's what he told him yesterday. Howard said he has learned then.
Howard asked where Gary was so he could find out where that tape is. He had to take a break before getting to that. Howard said Gary is a mutant. He said he's in the production studio now. Howard said he can't get his ass in there. He said he has to release him from his duties.
Howard said he called Gary last night and he had to call him back because he was on the phone with his accountant. Howard said Gary must be in the studio with Scott cutting tape with those teeth.
Howard said their general manager is off to Hawaii for the Infinity Managers Conference. Howard said there's nothing for him to do around the station. He has to go to Hawaii to have this meeting instead. Howard said it's just a hump fest and those guys go out there to get laid.
Howard asked Gary if there's a law against getting there before 4 in the morning. Gary said the tape is ready and as soon as they get back from break he'll have it.
Howard asked Gary what his hours are. Gary said he's there from 6am to 2pm. He said he's there way more than 8 hours a day most of the time. He said he's putting in more than 40 hours a week.
Howard said he doesn't think he was that hard on John. He said that he has to play these tapes. Howard said there is someone very powerful in the industry who pointed something out to him. Jackie figured it was his father. Howard said it wasn't his father. Howard said this person said to him that with the clothes and the gut... Jackie said ''Thanks Don(Buchwald)'' and Howard said ''Well, there you go.'' Howard said several people said to him that Jackie has to change his look and the way he dresses.
Gary vs. Scott The Engineer. 3/8/02. 7:05am
Gary and Scott the Engineer got into another fight over ''Best of'' production. Every time they're getting close to vacation time Gary and Scott end up fighting over when the tapes are going to be ready. Howard said the E! guys got them yelling at each other today. Howard spoke to the two of them about their problem and tried to come up with a solution. He also played the tape of them yelling at each other. Scott was the one who ended up cursing at Gary. Gary just walked away from him but Scott followed him down the hall and continued to argue with him.
After the fight discussion Howard spent some time talking to Scott about bowling. They had been talking about Scott's rage and asked if he ever demonstrates that at home. Scott said he doesn't freak out at home but he has freaked out when bowling. He said that he kicked the ball return one time because he was pissed that he got a ''10 pin wrap'' which he had to explain to Howard. Scott is a huge bowling fan and he even tried to go on the night of September 11th last year. He was surprised to find that no one was at the bowling alley when he got there that night. Scott told Howard about different bowling conditions and what he does when he goes bowling.
A couple of people suggested that they have a bowling challenge against Scott. Howard and the gang would play against him to see just how good he is. Artie said he'd take him on and he's only bowled about 5 times in his life. He said he'll practice for a week and see if he can beat Scott. Scott admitted that anyone can come in and bowl a 200 game. Stuttering John also wanted to play against him too. Scott always loses stuff so there's a good chance he'll lose to two guys who never play.
Howard said he'll get this on TV somehow. He even pitched a show idea to anyone who wanted to do it. He said that once a week Scott would take on someone in bowling. He thinks that it would be a great show with Scott preparing for the show. Someone asked Scott what the name of his bowling team was. He said that everyone on his team has the letter S in their initials. So they came up with the name ''Falling on our S's.'' Howard suggested something more appropriate like ''The Four S-holes.''
In the clip Robin was reading a story about a man who was in the hospital trying to explain how he got some severe burns. The gay man and his partner were doing some ''felching'' and he was injured. Howard didn't know what that was. Robin said it involves a gerbil. Robin said they say they had a pet gerbil and its name was ''Faggot.'' Gary came in but Howard stopped him from saying anything because he had a stye on his eye that was distracting.
Gary said Felching has a different definition in their book. Howard had Robin get back to her story and she told Howard about what these guys had done with the gerbil. Robin said that one of the guys, Kiki, yelled out Armageddon when things went bad. Robin said the gerbil wasn't coming back down the tube. Robin said in order to see what was keeping Faggot from coming down Vito decided to strike a match to see where it was. Robin said it inflated a pocket of intestinal gas and it shot up the tube igniting the guy's moustache and burning his face.
Howard was doing his effeminate voice while talking about this story. Jackie was laughing at almost every detail. Robin read about how the gerbil caught fire too. That ignited another pocket of gas up the other guy's intestines. Robin said the gerbil was on fire and the intestines caught fire.
Howard said they should reenact this scene. He had Billy West play Kiki and Howard played the other guy who tries to find Faggot and catches fire. Howard said there will be a blast of gas and fire will erupt. Howard and Billy played their parts while Fred played sound effects. He played fart sounds, a gerbil sound and other stuff like that. Howard said Billy wasn't playing along right so he told him to sit back... Stimpy.
Howard and Fred took over and did their reenactment. Howard gave up after a few seconds saying that it wasn't working. He said he can't work with these guys.
Howard tried again and this time it worked. He played the guy trying to find the gerbil. His face catches fire when he lights the match.
Howard said this story can't be real. He told her to give her source. Robin said it was a fax she got. Howard said that can't be real. He said she has to check her facts. Howard asked if it looks like it came from a newspaper. Robin said it does and they can call the hospital if he wants. Howard said he thought this was legitimate but the story sounds fake to him.
In the clip Howard was talking about Marsha Clark and her growing mole. He was singing along to some music that they had for the trial. Howard said she looks kind of nice at certain angles. He said she should get hair extensions though. Howard said he likes when OJ rolls his eyes. He said if he was in that court he'd get up and cut his head off if he rolled his eyes at him. Howard said at one point the detective was up there and they were talking to him about Ron Goldman being killed second. He said you see OJ acting like that's not the way it happened.
Howard said he had OJ coming in. It was actually just OJ clips that they were playing to answer questions that Howard had. Howard asked when the cramps in a murderer's hand go away. They had OJ saying ''15 years later.'' Howard asked a bunch of questions he had written that would go along with the clips of OJ they had cut up from an appearance OJ made on the show once.
Howard had OJ clips like these, that went along to questions that they wrote:
After that Howard let OJ go. He said he enjoyed talking to him. He said that's a very rare interview with OJ Simpson. Howard asked Robin if they're done with that or should they milk it some more. He said they're starting to run out of questions to ask OJ.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she loves the OJ stuff. She said she had a dream about him. She said he visited her and it was like an out of body experience.
In the clip Robin was doing her news and read about Bush running for president. Howard said he'd like these guys to stop talking about the abortion issue. He said he's not for these guys who grew up with everything handed to them. He said if he knocked up some broad when he was a kid there's no way he would let the abortion issue slide. Howard said he couldn't have made it on his own.
Howard said that even Kennedy may not have been as good a guy as we thought he was. Howard said you don't have to be a rocket scientist to run for president.
Robin was also reading about some claims that women had about President Clinton. Howard said that some of the best presidents were womanizers. Robin said it's more than just one woman. She said it sounds like he's a molester.
In the clip Robin was reading a story about Axl Rose and how he allegedly beat his girlfriend. Billy was doing his Jackie impression and Frank Sinatra impression as Robin went through that story. Billy was doing Sinatra saying that's the way to go Axl. Frank was giving Axl some advice on how to handle himself with women. He told him to never hit them where the bruises show and things like that.
Robin read some other news and said that Walter Cronkite had come out and said that he's not happy that there are newscasters who want to be actors. That led to Billy doing his impression of Walter. Howard also played an interview Stuttering John did with Walter Cronkite. Walter didn't stick around long. Howard said he has a second one he did with Walter. They played that and spent a short time talking about Walter's reaction to John's questions.
In the clip Howard picked up on Liz Taylor who was calling in. Liz (Billy West) was eating while talking to Howard. Howard said they're all big fans of her's. Liz thanked him for that. Howard played a clip of Liz talking at a press conference about AIDS. She said the word heinous in an unusual way. She said it like ''he-nee-us'' so Howard pointed that out.
Liz was eating and belching and talking about the AIDS crisis with Howard. Liz wondered how they can sit and watch as this ''he-eio-nos'' thing takes over. Liz belched some more and said she had some black bean tortilla chips.
Howard said that Liz was friends with Malcolm Forbes too. Liz said she's been struggle-eio-ing over his death. She said her name for him was Malkie. She called her ''Alkie.'' She talked about riding motorcycles with Malcolm and then ripped a fart. Liz said she doesn't remember eating that. She fanned the smell up to her face and said it smells like a jalapeno pizza. She farted again and said it smelled like sweet and sour pork. She wondered how long that had been incubating in there. Howard was cracking up.
Liz said she had to tuck her hemorrhoids back in. She said Ronnie the Limo Driver taught her how to do that. Howard told her to stop talking about that. She was mispronouncing more words as she was describing all of this.
Howard talked to Liz about all of her friends who are dying off. She named a bunch of them and continued to fart and make all kinds of noises. Howard said he wishes there was someone there to help her. Liz said she has her friend Roddy McDowell there. She said he's there now. She started to cry so Howard told her to get a grip.
Liz put Roddy on the phone. Howard spent a little time talking to him. Howard said he loved him in Planet of the Apes. Roddy said he loved wearing the monkey costumes. He said he'll put it on for Howard if he wants. Roddy told a story about Liz and Howard said he'd had it with them. Howard told them to get out of there. Howard said he had to go. He talked to Liz a little longer and said he's pretty sure this isn't the real Liz Taylor. He let her go a short time later. Howard said he knows who they are and they're going to be fired. Howard said that was pretty funny though.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 11:45am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:10am.