|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard Stern Gets Engaged! 02/14/07. 6:00am
Howard started off the show talking about his computer being locked up and trying to get that fixed. Scott the Engineer was working on it and had it fixed within a few seconds of the show starting. Howard asked Robin why she didn't call him back last night. Robin said she was sleeping yesterday because she's sick. He said she never calls him back when he calls her. She said she just couldn't get out of bed.
Robin said that Howard doesn't think that she knows how to check her voice mail or even her e-mail. Robin said she heard her phone ringing but she didn't even get up to look at who was calling. She's still a little stuffy today.
Howard said he gave Beth a gift for Valentine's day and he wanted her to hear what it was so she could make fun of him. Artie had an idea of what he was about to say... The marriage word. Howard said he's the one who started the rumor. Artie started laughing at Howard so he told him to stop. He joked that he bought her a Pajamagram and that was it.
Artie said they have to play the tapes of him saying that he would never get married again. Howard said he knows but now he's just engaged, and he plans on staying engaged for 10 years. Howard made the official announcement that he is engaged so the guys were all goofing on him. Fred wanted to know if he had to get married to her. Howard said it wasn't like that, she's not pregnant.
Howard said he had a nice life and he's mad at her for doing this to him. He said she did say yes when he asked her. Gary came in and asked for the specs on the ring. Howard said that back around Christmas he started thinking about this and ended up going to this guy he knew to get the ring. He said that the guy was there at SIRIUS to help him out on the whole ring thing and Beth was scheduled to come down and do some stuff for Howard TV that day. He had to ask Doug Goodstein to reschedule her.
Howard said that their life is great together and he wasn't looking for a change but there are some people who treat her like she's his ''floozy'' or something like that. He said he kind of sees what goes on with certain people so this might help.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he wishes him luck. Howard thought he was laughing at him because that's what it said on the computer screen. Dominic congratulated him on the engagement. Howard said that he's thinking of taking on Beth's last name because of the confusion with Howard K. Stern's name. Artie said that some people will get the story wrong and say that Howard K. Stern just got engaged.
Howard took a call from a guy who did laugh at Howard for getting engaged. He goofed on Howard about the whole thing. Howard went on to say that the whole thing was very romantic but Beth didn't break into tears or anything. That kind of thing has been over for years.
Howard took another call from Wolfie who said that he remembers back to 1999 when he said he would never get married again. He said it didn't take him long to change. Howard said it's been 8 years so it's been quite a while. Robin said that this has been going on for a couple of years now, it's not like it just happened.
Artie asked if he had a pre-nup in the works yet. Howard said they haven't gotten that far, but he will have one. Ronnie came in and offered to do the bachelor party for him. Howard said Ross already asked him when that's going to happen. He's still in shock over the whole thing.
Robin pointed out that Howard didn't feel up that chick who was in the studio yesterday. Howard said it would have been a bad idea to do that on the same day he was asking Beth to marry him. The guys were also talking about Beth getting pregnant and having a baby. Howard said that's just not going to happen but the guys said they can picture him walking the baby down the street in a stroller. Howard said that stuff looks like complete torture to him and he can't imagine going through that. He said he's happy for his friends who have kids but he can't go through that again.
Howard said he called Beth's parents last night to let them know what was going on. He joked that he told High Pitch Eric too. Gary said that Beth told him at one point that she was going to be ''Mrs. Stern.'' Robin couldn't believe that she missed the call about this yesterday. Howard said he tried calling her twice yesterday and he never got through.
Howard got back to the story of how all of this came about. He was thinking about it back around Christmas. He was going through that when he saw he had a guy on the phone saying that he was an asshole for getting married. Howard said he's not married yet though. He said he's not ruining anything. The guy said there's nothing wrong with stability but they already have the stability. The guy said that the fans are going to slam him over this. Howard said the engagement is off then. He was just joking but he said he couldn't take the pressure.
Howard said that he really is shaken up. He was trying to tell the story but everyone was giving him a hard time. Artie asked him when he thought that he was going to get officially engaged. Howard said he still hasn't thought about it. He said he did talk to his kids about it about a year ago and has been thinking about it for a while now. It turns out he's not as much of a player as he thought he was going to be. He doesn't need to be married but he felt that there are people who think that it's not a real relationship because they weren't married. He said that Beth doesn't seem to care if they're married but he thought it would be a nice thing to do.
Howard said he spoke to this guy Richie about getting a ring. It was around Christmas but he didn't have time to get the ring done so he got Beth a necklace instead. The guy was surprised when he asked about a ring but they put it off until after the holidays. He said he's been looking at rings for a while now and he kind of knew what she liked.
Artie interrupted and got on his megaphone as Beth and said he was knitting baby booties. He also got on as Beth's mom and goofed on him. Howard said that was it, the engagement is off. Artie did some of his own Grandma Caprio impression before Howard could do it.
Howard tried to get into the details of the ring but he wanted to know if anyone else wanted to goof on him. He said he didn't talk to Fred last night but did speak to his wife. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he's nuts for doing this. Artie said that he thinks the whole therapy thing helped him get to that point. He said he's been around people who are in awful relationships and Howard really got lucky finding this person. He'd like to bust his balls but he thinks that he's setting up a very happy ''rest of his life.'' Howard wanted to know if anyone thought it was a mistake. No one would say it was.
Howard said that they are engaged and planning to get married at some point. Artie said he thinks Howard is setting up a nice, relaxing future. He thinks it'll be a happy time for him when he retires. He'll have Beth and he'll be able to relax and vacation when he retires.
Sal came in and told Howard that he's very happy for him. Then he asked what happened to Beth saying that she never wanted to get married. Sal said that Howard is forcing her into it then. Howard said this was all his idea, she never demanded it from him. Howard said it's all his decision to go forward with it. Sal was laughing at Howard and wondering if Beth was going to want a baby. Howard said he told Beth that the baby thing isn't going to happen so Beth said that they might have to get divorced some day if she changes her mind about that.
Howard told Sal to get out of there. Sal told him that he's the one who will be in misery 10 years from now. He said that it's like Jekyll and Hyde. The guys asked Sal if he was coloring his beard because it looked kind of odd. Sal said he wasn't doing that and swore on the life of his kids he wasn't.
Benjy asked Howard if he knows what time it was that he did the engagement thing because he saw that Howard was writing about Scott DePace on their email system. Howard said it was before that and it was all over by then. He was back to work within a short amount of time.
The Engagement Ring Story... And Goofing On Howard. 02/14/07. 6:30am
Howard got to the story of how he came up with the ring design and picked out the diamonds. He asked for the ring to be ready for Valentine's day. He got it around 4pm yesterday. Robin said that there are a lot of guys who are on their knees today asking girls to marry them and he's one of them.
Double A called in and congratulated Howard on the engagement. He said that he's become Howard's bro over the years and this couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Double A said he wouldn't hesitate to marry Beth if he had her, but he's not going to get married because he's having too much fun at this point.
Dominic Barbara called back in and put his wife Leslie on the phone to congratulate him. Howard thanked her for that. He joked that it would be funny if Leslie started tapping out S.O.S. on the phone to get her out of that marriage. Howard thanked her for the call and then Dominic got back on and said that they will film the pre-nup as a 3 camera shoot. He said he'd love to be part of the wedding but threw in a ''Daddy, wipe me'' joke.
Artie got on the megaphone and did his Beth impression. He was calling as Beth and saying that it was time to take little Howie to little league practice. Howard said that's it, the marriage is off. Artie continued to goof on him about that but then tried to get Howard back to the ring story.
Howard said he was looking to see if anyone who was coming in today was going to bust his balls. They didn't have any guests who were going to do that. He said he was getting woozy over this whole thing. Robin told him it was a good move and he should stop worrying about it. Howard said he can dish it out but he obviously can't take it when people goof on him.
Howard got back to the ring story and mentioned he got it yesterday. He said it looked good and he hadn't discussed it with many people at all. He said he mentioned it to his shrink and his agent and accountant. He didn't even talk to his parents about it. He didn't know why he would do that. He said his father didn't even get on the phone to talk to him least night when he let his mother know what was going on. Robin thought that was kind of crazy. He didn't even call back to talk to him after his mother was supposed to tell him about it.
Howard said that he and his father know each other about as well as two strangers on the street. The guys found it hard to believe that Ben wouldn't get on the phone with his son when something huge like that happens in his son's life. Howard said he's used to that though. He said that his mother was excited about it.
Artie was laughing at Howard about that whole thing. Howard said that got him thinking about how his father didn't call him back. He took a call from the back office where they were playing clips of his mother talking about how dreadful this was. Howard got a laugh out of that.
The news had already hit the news wire so Gary brought in the first story. Howard read the story and got a few laughs out of that. He then took a call from Blue Iris who told him that she'd blow him before he gets married. Howard thanked her for that and then Blue said that she takes the cake for giving the best blow jobs. She also told Howard that she always feels safe when she hears his voice. Blue said she's feeling good but she has to lose 30 pounds because the doctor told her to do that after she suffered her stroke.
Howard let Blue go and said that he's going to be busy today and he wasn't going to be able to give her the ring today so that's why he did it yesterday. He asked her if she wanted the gift early but demanded that she get naked for him first. She didn't want to do that because she hadn't showered and had just eaten so she felt fat. Howard said that he told her she could wait for tomorrow if she didn't get naked so that's what she said she'd do.
Howard said Beth asked him what he got her and asked if it was jewelry. He said that's not what it was but it was something she really wanted. Howard said they went to the bedroom so she could get naked for him. He said she removed her clothing and so did he. He said he had a boner so he ran into the other room and got the ring box. He said the dog was smelling his balls and ass as he was running around and that was grossing him out. He said it was really annoying. Howard said he was a nervous wreck at the time.
Howard said he hadn't prepared a speech so he wasn't quite sure how to ask her to marry him. He went into the bedroom and palmed the ring so she couldn't see it. He then told her he loves her and she means everything to him. He said he knows it's ''so gay'' and then continued the story where he said something like ''I'm asking you to spend the rest of your life with me...'' Artie did one of those coughing things where he says ''Cough..Haggot'' and Fred played some Gilbert Gottfried laughs and ''What are you a homo!?''
Howard said Beth was very surprised when she saw the ring and thought he was goofing on her or something. Howard said that if she didn't like the ring, she could have told him and he would have had it changed. He said she loved the ring and it even fit her perfectly. He didn't know what her ring size was, they just took a guess.
Robin said she saw Beth asking Bubba's wife about what cut her diamond was when they were at their wedding. Howard said Beth wanted an emerald cut so that's what he got for her. Artie said he could have hooked Howard up with his diamond guy. Howard asked him what size his diamond was. Artie's was 4 carats and Howard got Beth a 5.2 carat diamond.
Artie asked Howard if they would be laughing at him if he told them what the ring cost. Howard said ''yes'' so everyone laughed. Robin congratulated Howard on the whole thing. Howard said that he and Beth started fucking after she got the ring and they couldn't stop talking during that. He said she had a very powerful orgasm after that. Fred said it was a ''5.2 on the Richter scale.''
Howard said he made the series of phone calls to everyone after all of that. He said he called Beth's parents and spoke to her father and asked if he had his blessing. The guy, Bob, said he had to let that all sink in after he asked. He said that if he wanted him to call it all off he'd do that. Bob told him he thinks Howard is a good dude and they're a great couple. Both of her parents gave their blessings for the marriage and he said it was kind of weird to go through all of that.
Howard went on to talk about how he didn't squeeze that girl's tits on the show yesterday. He said he told Beth that he didn't do it so she told him to go ahead and do that stuff if he wants. He said he should call Beth and talk to her today. He asked Robin if she wanted to hear what she sounds like as an engaged woman. Robin did want to hear her.
The Future Mrs. Stern Calls In. 02/14/07. 7:00am
Gary told Howard he was going to call Beth and put her up on the phone. Artie said he took more shit for breaking up than these people are giving Howard for getting engaged. Howard took some phone calls and one woman congratulated him. She said she never thought that she'd ever hear this. She also wanted to talk to Beth and congratulate her. Beth was on the phone a short time later. Robin thought she did sound different. The woman on the phone congratulated her on the engagement so Beth thanked her for that.
Beth said that Howard was thinking of not talking about this today. Howard went on to talk about how he has no desire to have kids. Beth said she's with him on that. Beth asked if people are giving him crap already. Howard said that Artie has been on the megaphone already.
Gary came in and said that he overheard the guys in the office saying that Beth didn't want to get married and the whole kid thing could be the same way. Howard said that he's not going to allow a Wrap Up Show today and no Superfan Roundtable this week if they're going to discuss this stuff. He said they're all going to be fired if they bring it up.
Howard said that he and Beth have been together for 7 years already and they have tested the waters so he knows this will work. Howard said that these people who are making fun of him are out of line. Robin said that no one has been making fun. She was laughing as she said that.
Beth was claiming that Howard just handed over the ring and didn't really ask her to marry him. Howard said he did though. The guys ended up talking about how weird it was that Howard's dad didn't call back last night. Beth said that her father had one condition for the marriage. He doesn't want Howard calling him ''dad.'' Howard said that he said the right thing when he asked that.
Beth said that she's going out to lunch today and she'll be showing off that ring to her friends. The guys told her not to say where she was going because the paparazzi would be taking pictures of the ring. The guys asked Beth what this means to her. She said she was still letting it sink in.
Gary thinks that this is going to hit the NY Post on the cover tomorrow. Howard said he doesn't think that will happen. Gary said he's so going to be on the cover. Howard said it'll probably be a small mention somewhere, nothing big. The rest of the guys insist that it will be the cover story. Gary also said that any pictures of Beth in a wedding dress will start surfacing.
Howard said that they're very low key and not looking for any attention. Robin said that there will be no quiet ceremony. Beth said she doesn't want people asking for a date because they haven't set it up. Robin said that they can't have a small ceremony, they have to have everyone there. Beth said this is the most beautiful Valentine's Day of her life. Gary added ''...except when you give birth.'' Howard said that if they had seen Beth stripping down last night, they wouldn't have had a second thought either.
Artie said that whenever he gave Dana a gift, she would make him put on more clothing. Beth said that while they were having sex last night, she was staring at her ring with her hand up in the air. She said that they had a fun time doing that. She said they have a great sex life. She thinks that they have gotten very comfortable with each other over the past 7 years and she can see it getting more comfortable. Howard told her not to get too comfortable though.
Howard took another call from the back office. It was the guys playing clips of Ben Stern talking about marriage and telling Howard that divorce is very popular these days. Beth thought it was really Ben, not knowing that they were playing audio clips. Ben told Howard that he was wrong for doing this and he shouldn't go through with it. Howard said that was Sal having a field day back there.
Beth said that the ring is not obnoxious and it was very beautiful. She said she doesn't want to take it off but she has to go to the gym today. She said that was very sad that she had to take it off. Beth said that their dog was screaming in pain from the ice out on the street this morning. The salt they put down on the street eats away at the dog's feet. Beth said there is a salt out there that doesn't hurt the animal's paws so she wants to find out more about that. The salt they use now gets into Bianca's ''vagine'' because she sits in it when her feet start to hurt. She said that it doesn't just hurt the animals, it gets on little kids and stuff when they're being walked around on the street.
Artie said that Beth was making a good point and she should keep it in mind for when she has a kid in a couple of years. Howard told him that's not funny and asked him why he's there, doesn't he have a FOX deal? Beth got back to the salt thing and said she really wants to find out more about the special salt so she can try to do something about it. Robin and Artie congratulated Beth on her engagement as Howard was letting her go.
In the clip Howard was complaining about Gary and Fred being late. Howard found out that Fred was late because he was out on his dial-a-date the night before. Howard asked Gary for the phone number for the girl who he went out with. Gary didn't have it. Gary said he thought Fred would be there by now. Howard said as far as he knows Fred has never gotten any before. Gary said he thinks he has.
Howard asked how this girl looked. Gary said she was pretty and she had a decent body. He said he thinks that they were getting along very well last night too. Howard said he has to figure out how to get in touch with Fred. He said Fred and Robin are bad about not showing up to work these days now that they have a social life.
After an edited out break Howard was talking about how odd it was that Fred hadn't shown up yet. He said maybe Fred exploded and died or something. He said he hopes he's not like Robert Chambers... allegedly.
Howard said he's never seen Fred with a woman and now all of a sudden he's sleeping around. Howard said he wanted to talk to Gary about the date. He said that Fred is disrespectful for not calling in too. Jackie said he always calls in when he's going to be late. Howard told Jackie not to defend Fred. Howard said that Al Rosenberg was like that with Fred too. He said they were like little girlfriends. Howard told Jackie to kiss his ass all day and ignore Fred. Howard said Fred never calls.
Howard said he doesn't like being the boss of this show. He said that Robin called him to let him know she was going to be late.
Gary said some people just lose their minds and go nuts at some point in their life. Howard took a call from Fred who told him he was going to be late. Jackie laughed his ass off. Fred just hung up. Gary was laughing too. Howard said Fred is going to be without a job too. He thanked Fred for hanging up on him.
Howard asked Gary if he would have had sex with this girl too. Gary said ''sure!'' Howard had Fred back on the phone. Fred said he was sorry but then he hung up again. Howard said he doesn't mind if Fred has sex with a girl but he should show up to work on time. Howard said he was the one who hooked him up with her too. Howard said Fred thinks it's funny to hang up. He said he's like Imus.
Gary told Howard about the date and what was going on when they got there. He said the date wasn't there and they got nervous that he was getting stood up. Gary said there was a mix up and the car didn't pick her up so she had to take a cab down. Gary said the woman was wearing a white dress when she showed up. Howard wanted more details but Gary didn't have many. He said that she had average sized breasts. Gary said he had Mason Reese and his date there too. Howard said they should spend the whole day calling everyone.
Gary said they had a Penthouse Pet there at the date too. She drove her date home. Howard said these dates aren't supposed to work out. They're promotional dates. Gary said they had the mother/daughter date too. He said that the mother didn't show up so the daughter ended up going out with the blind guy. Gary said that the blind guy says that he's been getting a lot ever since he started doing the dial-a-date thing. Howard said he was laughing at that guy.
Howard and Gary talked about the date for a few minutes while they waited for Fred to show up. Gary filled Howard in on how the date went and how well they seemed to be getting along. Gary said that for all they know Fred and Alison just stayed up the whole night talking. Howard said that's very possible. He said he's seen him do that before.
Howard asked if Fred was drunk. Gary said he wasn't. Howard asked how long the date went on. Gary said they were there pretty late. He said they may have left at 11:30. He said everyone was having fun so he just took off. He said that they were supposed to be out of there by 9:30. Howard wondered how Fred can stay awake that long. Jackie said if it was once every 10 years he'd be able to do it.
Howard said Fred couldn't have performed very well. He said he had alcohol in his system and he must not have been able to perform. He said they'll find out when Fred shows up.
Gary said that he had to wrap up and leave but Fred and Allison were so engrossed in conversation that they didn't notice. Howard said he's going to stop talking about this date until Fred gets there. He said he's assuming that he had sex last night though.
Howard said Fred just showed up. He said he had a new hair style on him. He said maybe this new girlfriend wanted a new hair style.
Howard said that he had to find out what happened to Fred. Fred said he was going to say that nothing happened and was going to stick to that. Howard said that Fred was even talking normal now after the date. Fred was an hour late to work so Howard assumed that he had gone back to this girl's apartment. Fred denied it all and said that he didn't remember what had happened from 11 last night until the time he got on the air. Fred told Howard he had to wait for the hardware store to open so he could get a pick axe.
Howard tried to find out what happened but Fred wasn't saying a word. He denied sleeping with Alison and said that he was at Gary's place. Howard said he must have promised this girl that he wouldn't say what happened.
Howard asked question after question about what happened the night before but Fred refused to talk about it. Fred said that nothing happened. Howard said he could smell the sex on Fred and he knew that he had sex last night. Fred said he did take a shower though. Howard said he heard that Fred wasn't eating his food in a pouch last night like he usually does. Fred said he said good night to this woman at 11 last night and went back to Gary's place. Howard said he really wanted to know what happened but he might have to find out during a break.
Howard went to that break and when he came back he said that Fred had a wild night but didn't want to talk about it on the air. Howard said that Fred was in there exaggerating about it. Howard goofed on Fred about the clothes he wore the night before and now he's treating this girl like she's his fiancee. Robin said she doesn't know it yet but she's already engaged to Fred. Howard said he had to call this girl to talk to her. Howard had Susan Berkley on the phone though so he yelled at her since she was ruining the bit.
Howard said he knows what Fred is doing and why he was doing it. He said he can imagine what this woman asked him to say on the air so her mother wouldn't find out what happened. Howard asked if this new Princess Norris is going to be coming with him to the pool party this summer. Fred said that he may go out with this girl again. Robin asked if she was good enough to go out with again. Fred said that she was fine. Howard asked Fred if this meant that he wasn't going to be going home to Connecticut to visit his parents. Fred said that doesn't mean that at all.
Robin said this guy is out of his mind. He never spoke to her when he saw her. It turns out this guy has been asking to find this girl on other radio stations as well. Joe said that the girl was with her parents and it looked like her mother was in a wheelchair. Howard said that they do reach 18 million people so maybe they can help this guy out.
Howard muted his voice from Joe and said that he was going to mess with him. Joe gave some more details about the girl and said she looked a little like Nancy Kerrigan and he's even got a web site dedicated to finding her.
Howard took a call from a woman claiming to be the woman that the guy was looking for. It was a set up to goof on the guy though. The woman said she's got black hair, she's 5'6'' tall and her mother has MS. Joe said that he would give Howard $1,000 if this was the right girl. She told Howard that she would like to go out with this guy but she has some problems that she had to reveal first.
The woman, Tracy, said that she had cancer when she was younger and she has a colostomy bag now. She wanted to know if that was okay with Joe. Joe said he didn't want to answer that one. She said that she still looks the same, it's no different. Joe didn't have much else to say after that. He seemed stumped.
Joe said that if this is the girl he saw, it would be no problem. He found it hard to believe that they found her though. Howard tried to convince him that it was really her. Tracy then told Joe that she had kids and the kids were with her brother and father. She said that she had consensual sex with both her brother and father and had kids from them.
Joe wasn't falling for all of this. He seemed to get that it was a joke and refused to believe that it was really the girl he was looking for. Joe asked Howard to give out his web page since he didn't know if this was actually the woman. Howard told him to get out of here and get ready to go clean a colostomy bag. Joe hung up after that so Howard went to commercial break.
Sam Simon's 'The Bitter Half' Radio Sitcom Debut. 10/25/06. 8:00am
Howard went into the bit a few seconds later. The show started out with George Takei as the host and talking about radio plays and how he used to listen to them when he was a young boy. He said this was about the secret lives of the wives and girlfriends of the Stern Show staff.
The first scene was Beth beating the crap out of their dog Bianca. Howard came in and told her how good she is with that dog. Beth was making comments about Howard that he couldn't hear as he was showering. She told him that he could save a half hour in the shower by not washing his nose. She also told him he was the biggest fag she knows but low enough that he couldn't hear it.
Next up was Robin and Mr. X and their parrot Polly. Gilbert Gottfried was playing the part of Mr. X and doing his black voice. Their parrot was repeating after Mr. X as he was saying he wasn't going to listen to the show.
Fred and his wife were arguing about Fred's work and Fred was talking about getting his own show again so he wouldn't have to work with Howard. Alison didn't want him to quit and told him to get to work. Fred went to work but said he wasn't going to talk.
After that it was Mary Dell'Abate talking about Gary as if he were a wild animal in the woods. She hid his keys on him so he would have to forage for them in the house like a monkey would in the woods.
Artie and Dana were back together in The Bitter Half. Dana sang a song about Artie drinking too much and how he should go to the shrink to get back together with her. Artie was also singing in the song. Jack Daniels and the hooker who blew Artie in his car also sang in the song.
George Takei came back on and went back to visit with Beth and Bianca. John Stamos stopped by their apartment while Howard was at work. Stamos said he was starting to have feelings for her. Beth said that she was sleeping with Wilmer Valderrama. She closed the door on John as her phone was ringing. She took a call from Alison Norris and gave her a fuck you when she hung up on her. Beth then went to look in the mirror. She saw a wrinkle/laugh line and said that she had a plan for this day. She said Howard Stern must die.
Alison Norris visited with George Takei and talked about Fred's disgusting uncircumcised penis. George told her that she might want to take a ride on the Sybian. She took it for a spin and cursed as she was supposed to be getting off. She was supposed to be doing a commercial for it but she was actually getting off and said that it had been so long...
George Takei moved the show along to the next scene which was at a botox party. Alison, Dana and Mary Dell'Abate where there when Beth came in. Beth just wanted to get her shot and get out of there. She took the shot from the guy who said she might feel a little prick. She said she was sleeping with Howard Stern so she knows what a little prick feels like.
Robin and Mr. X (Gilbert) were back on and Mr. X was lying to her about hearing the show that day. He claimed that he liked the news but Robin knew that he was lying. Their parrot revealed that she was right by repeating what he had said earlier.
Howard came back home to Beth and told her he had a great day because Artie had stayed awake during the whole show that day. Beth was there to greet him and she had a surprise for him. She told him to take off his clothes to get his surprise. Howard whipped off his clothes and hopped into bed. He called Beth over to him. Beth came over and told him that she had some papers drawn up so they could figure out what to do with Bianca if he ever died. She was asking him to sign over $50 million to the BETHO organization if he passes away. He signed them after she told him what a dirty little whore she felt like.
Howard's parents made an appearance and showed up at Howard's apartment. Howard had to hide all of his porn from his parents. Beth told Howard that she was going to give him some erotic asphyxiation. Then Ralph called in and gave Howard some lists of hot chicks who have hit the wall and other things. Howard takes a call from a listener who is pissed that Ralph made an appearance in the bit. Beth tells him to hang up so she can get back to doing him. She then tells him that she's going to strangle him but give him a safe word of 'You're Rich.'' Howard then tells her to strangle him and she starts to choke him.
She's in the middle of strangling Howard when Dice Clay shows up as a cop. He and Ralph come in and save Howard's life. Howard said it was all a big misunderstanding because they were just messing around. Howard sent the cop on his way and then went off on Ralph for coming over and interrupting. Ralph picked out a robe for him to wear and then said he heard Beth strangling him so he grabbed a cop and brought him up.
Howard asked Ralph if he thought that Beth could really kill him. He told him that if he ever does that again he's never letting him pick out his clothes or even shave his balls ever again. Ralph apologized to Howard but he wanted him to apologize to Beth. She gave him a hug and told him that if he ever crossed him again she'd kill him.
George Takei then wraps up the show and Howard thanks everyone who played themselves in the sitcom. George also gave a preview of the next show where Howard goes deer hunting with Beth and she has him wear a hat with deer antlers.
Crazy Black Alice Meets High Pitch Erik. 6/22/00. 8:10am
Crazy Alice who's been on the show yelling at people on the phones in the past, came in this morning to meet High Pitch Erik. Howard heard that Alice was perfuming herself up like crazy before she came in. She told Howard that she did that because she was afraid of sweating in front of him. Alice brought in a picture of Howard that she got someplace and wanted to show it to him. Howard didn't want her getting up from her seat so he told her not to move. She thought that he might be afraid of her for some reason. Jackie was cackling in the background so Alice asked ''What the hell you laughing at you fat, bald headed faggot?'' That just made Jackie laugh harder.
Howard spent some time catching up with Alice. He found out that she's on a lot of different drugs to help her with her thyroid problems, mental problems and sleeping problems. She seemed a little more mellow than she has in the past.
Howard asked Alice why she wanted to meet High Pitch Erik today. She said that he seems like a nice person and he gets treated like crap by the likes of Crazy Cabbie. She doesn't have anything against Cabbie but said he shouldn't have treated Erik the way he did. Erik came in all dressed up to meet his new friend. Howard reminded everyone that Erik just lost his virginity to porn star Dynamite. Erik plugged the web site where he lost his virginity, RealPornWorld.com, a couple of times like he was probably told to. Alice said she's not looking to be Erik's girlfriend or anything. She's just going to be a friend to him.
Howard started taking phone calls for Alice and that always leads to her yelling and screaming at the callers. She was pretty mellow for a while but when people started bad mouthing her and calling her fat and ugly she started to go a little crazy. There were also a couple of callers who complained about Erik coming on to them while they were on AOL. Erik denied it but these guys swear that he was telling them that he liked their pictures. King of all Blacks called in and said that Alice must be a virgin. He was right. She ended up calling KOAB fat and ugly so he called back a short time later to yell at her. The two of them went at it for a little while before Howard cut off KOAB.
Benjy, who went out with Alice once, came in to profess his love for her. He started to sing a song but Howard cut him off after about 5 words. He had to kick him out of the studio because he was just acting like an idiot.
Alice and Erik are going to take in a movie later today and just hang out for a while. There won't be anything sexual happening between the two of them.
In the clip Howard was talking to this Playmate, Julie Cialini, and she asked where the Jackie puppet was. Billy West got the puppet and did his Jackie voice for a short time. Howard told Julie that she had a great face on her. Howard asked how old she was when she lost her virginity. She said she was 16 and she wasn't very popular in high school.
Howard asked if she had any molestation in her family. Julie said she didn't. Howard asked if she's got a boyfriend. She said she has a boyfriend who does real estate and modeling. Howard said he'd have sex with her like 5 times a day if he was her boyfriend. Jackie Puppet got in on that conversation too. Howard told her to leave her body to him if she dies. He said that he's really good in the sack. Howard said she'd be moaning.
Howard asked if he can do anything to Julie. She said he could kiss her leg. Howard asked if he could kiss from her ankle up. She said that he can do that. Howard said he can start at the ankle and move his way up until she tells him to stop. Howard asked her to come back over to him. She told him to come over to her.
Howard said the puppet likes her. Howard asked if he wanted to kiss her leg too. Jackie Puppet said he wanted to bite her ass. Jackie Puppet said he's smarter than her too.
Howard said Julie Cialini is the Playmate of the year. He went over to her and started to kiss her leg. He got up to the bottom of her dress. She said that her dress is very short. Howard said he didn't think she wanted him to stop. Howard said he might have to lift her dress. She eventually stopped him. Howard said that was more than he thought he'd get.
Howard asked Jackie Puppet if he wanted to try. Jackie Puppet went right over and started to kiss her. He tried to go up her dress. Then Gary came in. Jackie Puppet said he was ruining his scene.
Howard asked if he could kiss Julie's arm. She said he could do that too. Howard gave her some kisses there too. Howard asked if she's clean. She said she is. Howard asked how many guys she's been with. She said five. Howard said he'd like to take her out and just get some sun with her. Howard said she's not really interested in him though. He said he can tell.
Howard said Julie is going to be making an appearance and all of the guys are going to show up horny thinking they're going to get laid. He said none of them are going to get anything.
Howard said it was great kissing her leg. He asked if he could rub lotion into her ass. She said she already did that. Jackie Puppet said he had just finished. He said all he had to do was look. Julie has a video out so Howard asked what her philosophy is. She didn't get a chance to answer. Jackie Puppet did it for her.
Howard asked Julie to dance for them. She said she would do that if Howard danced. Howard said he would do that. He played a fart song for her to dance to. Julie said that was great. Howard told Fred to turn it off. He said he's trying to impress a girl. They danced out to break to another song.
Captain Janks Argues With Ex-Lover Marty. 9/15/97. 7:40am
Howard had a woman on the phone this morning who was complaining about Captain Janks. She let Janks stay at her house for a couple of months while he was out in Cleveland. Howard put the two of them on the phone together so he could find out what happened. This woman, Marty, met Janks at the movie premiere out in Cleveland and hooked up with Janks. They were together for a short period of time and even slept together. Janks was very defensive from the beginning of the call. He never let up either. He kept calling her fat and making fun of her Cleveland accent non stop. He said that when he had sex with her he wouldn't do it in the light. He'd only do it in the dark. Then Janks said that after he left she had a foursome with some guys which included Kenneth Keith Kallenbach. Howard tried getting Kenneth on the phone but his voice never came through because the delay button kept getting hit for some reason. Janks also said that he's going to send video of her having sex to Howard and Marty's dying father. Marty claims that Janks owes her money for phone bills that he rang up during his stay. He said that he sent money to her but she claims it wasn't enough. Howard just can't understand why Janks can't keep a woman. He can't keep a job either. I've learned one thing from all of this, don't get on Janks' bad side..
Pamela Anderson Comes In. 10/17/03. 8:30am
Howard gave Pam a plug for her web site PamelaAnderson.com and ''Scary Movie 3'' and then brought in this intern who wrote a song for her. He said it was just a short song that he put together for her. He played guitar and sang his little song. He sang to her about how much he'd like to sleep with her even though she has Hepatitis C. Howard called the guy ''Dick Jagger'' after he was done.
Howard asked Pam how she was doing with the Hepatitis C and all. She said that she's feeling pretty good and has a good 5 or 10 years left to live. Howard said he really doesn't want to lose her though and hopes she has longer than that.
Vinnie Favale's Love Tapes. 10/14/03. 8:05am
CBS Vice President of Late Night TV, Vinnie Favale, came in to hang out with Howard. As he was starting to talk to him he heard someone clipping their nails. It turned out to be Fred who was having a problem with his nails. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that before moving on. He then played the clip of Don Zimmer crying as he was talking about what happened the other night during the Yankees game. Howard talked about how people are saying that Pedro Martinez was wrong for what he did but he thinks that Zimmer was wrong and Pedro did what he had to do. Howard and the guys went over that for a short time before getting to Vinnie.
Howard said the other day they were playing Gary's love tape that he made for his girlfriend many years ago. That's when they found out that Vinnie made a love tape for his girlfriend years ago as well. He explained how he met this girl over the phone accidentally and spoke to each other for four months and eventually got together. Howard said in one clip from his tape Vinnie is scratching his balls while he's laying around in his underwear. Howard let him explain that a little bit before he started to play the tape. Gary and Stuttering John saw the tape so they were telling Howard about some of the wacky stuff Vinnie does on the tapes.
Howard played a clip where Vinnie was blowing kisses and telling this woman how much he loves her. Howard said he's shirtless and in his underwear as he's doing this. Howard played about 10 seconds of it and had to rewind it so they could hear it again. Howard said a penis is a dangerous thing because guys end up doing stuff like this. He continued to play the tape and Vinnie talks about scratching his balls and how he caught himself. He says he'll stop scratching and how that will benefit her because he'll have a free hand for her. Howard took a couple of calls and some guys goofed on Vinnie for making the tape. Howard played some more of it after that while all of the guys in the studio laughed their asses off. Howard started the tape over but ended up stopping it at the same point because he couldn't get over the comment about how Debbie would benefit from that free hand. He eventually got past that and you hear Vinnie showing her his apartment. The place was a mess according to Gary who saw the tape. Howard and Artie were goofing on him. He was really in love with her back then and claims that he's still in love with her just as much today.
Dominic Barbara called in and said he'd pay $25,000 for the rights to the tape. He said that was his first bid as well and it sounds like he'd be willing to pay even more. Howard got right back to the tapes after that. Vinnie gives Debbie a tour of the New York City Mass Transit system. The guys wondered if this was the first chick he ever banged. That would explain why he was so nuts over her but Vinnie said that she wasn't the first and he'd banged maybe 10 women before her. The guys didn't sound like they believed him though.
Vinnie said he can't believe this woman married him after all of this. He said she moved out from Beverly Hills to Bensonhurst. Vinnie goes on to give Debbie the weather report and stuff like that. He also speaks to her in Italian for a short time. Howard and Artie goofed on him about that of course. Robin wondered what his parents thought about all of this. Gary said he saw his mother at one point in the tapes and she looked very happy to have gotten rid of him. Vinnie throws a few more kisses and tells Debbie how much he loves her. Vinnie heard some music in the background and wondered if Gary had thrown that in. Gary told him he didn't need to do that because Vinnie had put it in himself.
A caller said he bets that Gary is breathing a sigh of relief after hearing this. Howard said this makes Gary look like a man after seeing both of their love tapes. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and goofed on Vinnie a little bit. Howard also mentioned that Mariann wrote a letter to the NY Daily News so they talked about that for a few seconds. Howard said he liked what she wrote about Rush fans tuning into his show to hear truth, justice and the American way.
Vinnie wasn't giving them all of the tapes he made for Debbie. He said he didn't masturbate or anything like that on the tapes but he couldn't give them everything. A listener called in and suggested that they put together a bit called Dueling Douche Bags where they play a clip from Gary's love tape and then a clip from Vinnie's.
Howard also had tape of Vinnie and Tom Gisamundo from his station talking about a song for their band. Howard said Vinnie and Tom write songs together but don't perform the stuff themselves. In the tape Howard had Vinnie and Tom go through a song with no music playing and they sound like they're insane. Vinnie said they now talk about doing songs over the phone. The tape Howard was playing was from like 20 years ago. Howard continued to play the tape and goofed on Vinnie about how lame that was.
Gary said Vinnie and Tom hired a band to perform their song and they had that on tape as well. Howard played that and it was horrible. Everyone laughed after hearing the song. Howard played another clip after that where Vinnie and Tom performed as background singers for another song they wrote. They had this professionally produced music track that was put out. They sang background and ruined the song. They only wrote the lyrics, not the music. Howard had yet another clip where Vinnie sang one of his songs that was really bad. Tom also sang to one of them and that was pretty bad as well. Vinnie said they've probably written like 50 songs since 1982 or so.
Howard said that was about it for Vinnie's basement tapes but he knows he's got to have even better stuff. He said he had to take a break but had to talk to Jillian Barberie. Today's ''Howard Stern Whole Lotta Love'' was over around 11:00am.
Kenneth Keith meets his female admirer(Maureen). 2-7-96. I think last week this chick called in and told Howard that she'd love to meet Kenneth Keith in person. Howard thought that she was crazy but told her to come on in. Well it turns out that this woman is an 8 or a 9 on the crew's Appearance-rating-chart. Howard giving her a '...maybe even a 9...' The crew tried to figure out what was wrong with this 23 year old that would make her want to meet such a mental patient. They couldn't figure it out! Kenneth came in and was his usual 'I'm no wacko' self. He sang some of his horrible songs and even got to kiss her! As mental as he was, the woman still wanted to get to know Kenneth better off the air...go figure!
Howard's Sex Talk With Mom. 5/23/00. 9:15am
Howard was trying to get his father on the phone all morning. He wanted to ask him some sex questions. Someone finally got his mother on the phone while Robin was talking about a survey on how long a guy can hold out during sex. Howard started off his conversation with his mother asking her if she ''needs a lot of work'' to get her going. He asked if she needs 5 minutes or an hour. Mom just said ''Whatever is good, I do.'' She wouldn't get into details. Howard asked her if his dad has ever been a premature ejaculator.. She wasn't talking. Howard asked her if she would marry again if his father were to pass away. She said she wouldn't so Howard thinks that their marriage isn't as great as she makes it seem. She said that they got married because she wanted to start a family and that's what she did. There's no reason for her to want to get married again.
Howard heard that his mother was a virgin when she was married at the age of 18. He told her he believes her but he wanted to know if his father was a virgin. His mother basically said that he wasn't but she wouldn't say how many women he had before her. Howard was really surprised that he wasn't a virgin. He kept trying to get more info out of his mother but she said she doesn't talk about other people's personal lives.
Howard went on to talk to his mother about oral sex. During the President Clinton thing with Monica Lewinsky Howard got the impression that his mother didn't think that oral sex was sex. She told him that she thinks it's a very intimate thing but sex is ''when a man enters a woman's body..'' Howard asked her if she gave oral to his dad before they were married. She said she'd have to think about that. Howard took that as a ''yes'' . She later said that they just made out and ''petted'' each other. Howard kept trying to get info out of her about their honeymoon and stuff like that but she just wouldn't talk.
The two of them also discussed Howard's views on marriage and how he's telling people not to marry until they're old. He said he's told his 3 daughters not to marry until they're 40. He also told his niece the same thing. His mother says that she tells them that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Howard agreed that he doesn't know anything about marriage because his sure didn't work out. Robin told Howard's mother that she needs to share her secrets about how to keep a marriage going for over 50 years. That didn't get her talking about sex though. She just told Howard that he should conduct his life like she does and he'll be fine. But she wasn't telling him about her sex life so he doesn't know anything. At the end of the call Howard told his mother ''Tell dad 'hi' ... and give him some oral!''
Howard's Dating History Discussed. 01/15/04. 6:00am
Howard said his first girlfriend's name was Irene and the song was ''Good Night Irene'' so that might have something to do with it. He talked about how hot his girlfriend was when he was a young kid. His best friend at the time told him that he should play the field so that's what he did and blew the relationship. She had a boyfriend the next day and he was single. Howard said he ruined the relationship all by himself. He said that he heard that she went off and got married to one of the next guys she met so she wasn't even with that many other guys. Howard said if he'd stuck with her there's no telling where they would be. He said he tried to get her on the show but she doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. He seems to think that she's still upset with that break up. He also said that he thinks that women really fall in love with him and get very upset when he breaks up with them.
It's Beetlejuice Baby! 05/01/2001. 7:40am
Tiny headed dwarf Beetlejuice (JollyDwarf.com) came in this morning to ramble on and on about nonsense. Beet said that he was already drunk on Vodka this morning. Howard spent a few minutes asking Beet some questions and he got the good old ''Me!?'' answers from him with just about every question. Howard would ask Beet a question and Beet would answer ''Me!?'' and then go off on a tangent for a few seconds.
They asked him about everything from Hank the Dwarf to what he shaves with. KC came in and said that Beetle will be shooting a porn movie soon where he sticks his head inside of a woman's private parts. You can find out more info about that at PicklePilot.com. Howard says he's worried about Beet doing that because it's dangerous. Beet says he'll be wearing a condom on his head when he does it. Howard asked him to be careful doing that. Beet said he'll be fine, he's done it before. He also claimed that the woman was on the phone, she wasn't. He also claimed that she was there at the studio but she wasn't there either.
Robin asked Beet how old he is. They thought he was like 32 but Beet claims to be 55. He also claims to be President sometimes though. Robin told him he looks good for his age. Howard said he wants to come down and see him do the shoot for that porno movie. Beet said they'll be shooting it in Jersey City at his place.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Beet and one guy just kept saying different phrases and Beet would go off on a tangent. The guy would say something like ''one, two, three, four...'' and Beet would ramble on and on about ''five, six...'' The guy said something about ''Pete Galfer for Mayor'' and Beet said he's running for mayor. The caller suggested that Howard just continue to say different words to see what Beet says. Howard tried it for a minute but Beet cursed and Howard had to hit the delay so we missed some of it.
Camille Apologizes To The World. 05/01/2001. 7:50am
This woman Camille came in this morning to apologize to the world for some reason. She told Howard that she wanted to apologize to people who she's offended with the ''N-word'' or other curses she's said. She had an odd speech impediment which was kind of disturbing. Before she got to apologize Beetlejuice said that she was his girlfriend for 10 years. She's not really but he says it anyway. Mike Gange came in and said that the two of them were all over each other out in the green room so maybe there were some sparks there.
Howard let Camille make her apologies to the world about her cursing, which she apparently just hears in her head, and then did some match making. He let Beetlejuice sweet talk Camille and by the end of the segment they were engaged to be married! Beet told Camille that he'd take her back to a hotel and hang out with her. She said she'd be willing to go out with him so everything just kept snowballing from there. Howard and Robin were shocked that Beetlejuice had found love today.
Howard would ask Camille questions here and there like whether or not she's been institutionalized. Camille would say ''I'd rather not say..'' which Howard took as a yes. He also asked her if she's on any medication. Once again she said ''I'd rather not say.''
One caller said that he wanted to hire Beetlejuice to hold a lantern on his lawn like a lawn jockey. Beet wasn't going to do that. Howard got back to Camille a short time later.
Camille told Howard that his show is what helped straighten her out. She said she learned to be less critical of people and to accept them more. Howard was baffled by that statement. Perhaps she wasn't listening to his show after all. While she was talking about this tears rolled down her face. Howard said he took that as a very big compliment.
A woman said she was in L.A. and the show wasn't live out there. Gary said that's because they're having transmitter problems and they're taping the show hoping to have it ready for the 6am airing. The woman was rambling about the problems while Beetlejuice was talking over her. She told him to shut up but Howard let her go before she could say more.
Beetlejuice actually proposed to Camille at one point and she said yes to him. They've only known each other for a couple of hours tops and now they're engaged. A few minutes later Howard was performing a very unofficial wedding ceremony for the two of them. When it came time for Beet to say his ''I dos'' he'd say ''I do...what I gotta do'' over and over again. Howard had to go to break so he had to end all of the fun.
Siobhan To Lose Her Virginity To John? 05/22/06. 8:10am
After the commercials Howard was listening to the acoustic version of ''Every Homo'' that he and Fred performed last week. Then he moved on to Siobhan and this guy John who was there to have sex with her. He heard that this guy John wreaks of pot. Siobhan came in and Howard let her know that she looks hideous... and added ''No offense...'' Siobhan was wearing white for the guy since she's a virgin. Artie told her that if she just stayed a dude he'd be a good looking 50-something looking dude. Howard asked her about her hair so Siobhan pulled her schemata off her head and showed the thinning hair up there.
Gary said that the guy is in the green room with his hands shaking. Howard told him to bring him in quickly before he ran away. The guy, John, said that he wasn't high this morning but his clothes all stink because he smokes in his room. Siobhan said that he's not a bad looking guy but she was disturbed by the fact that he's on methadone. Howard said that John is a nice looking guy... Siobhan said that she's worried about diseases, not about his looks. Jon said tat he's been tested for stuff since the methadone clinic makes people get tested.
John said that he was tested for Hepatitis and all of that stuff so he's clean. Siobhan asked him where he works. John said he works for his family's exterminator business. Howard told Siobhan that he's a guy with a penis who is wiling to take her transsexual virginity. The pickings are slim for something like that.
Siobhan said that she's looking for someone who can accept her past history. She claims that there are men out there who don't believe that she was once a man. Howard found that hard to believe. Howard asked John if he could go through with this. John said it would be hard but he wouldn't have come down there if he wasn't willing to do it.
Howard asked Siobhan to show John her fake vagine. John said he had seen it before on Howard TV but Siobhan pulled down her panties and showed it to him. Howard had her show him her boobs as well. Siobhan showed him her implants and pointed out that she has a third nipple as well.
Siobhan asked John what he would do if they were walking down the street and they were accosted by some guys. Artie said that John would ask if they had any heroin. Howard told John that Siobhan's penis was cut up and turned into a vagina and clitoris down there. He also asked John about his heroin use and why he was using. John said he used to move around a lot and felt like he didn't belong.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told John to leave now before he lost his dignity. Howard told him not to spoil their fun and hung up on him. John was still up for it. Siobhan is looking for a boyfriend but John probably wouldn't be the right man.
Siobhan said that a guy hit on her last week and wants her to call him back, but he doesn't know that she's had this surgery. Howard told her to just go for it with this guy and try it out. John didn't even want to hold Siobhan's hand but she grabbed it and said that he was very cold. Siobhan's hands were bigger than John's according to Howard. She's also taller than he is. John said that his hands are very rough as well.
Gary noticed that John wouldn't even look at Siobhan. He was looking off into space. Howard asked John if he could look at her at all because he kept turning away whenever he did look. Siobhan was telling Howard that she's really looking for a guy who can afford to get her some more plastic surgery.
Gary said that he wanted to see Siobhan give John a lap dance. Siobhan was even going to let him touch her fake boobs. John copped a feel but didn't want to kiss it. John said that he wasn't looking for foreplay. Artie asked John if he gets laid. John said that he's gotten laid about 12 times in his life and he started out at the age of 14.
John said that he got in trouble when he sold drugs to an undercover cop one time. That really fucked his life up and the case is still going on. He got out on $500,000 bail 2 years ago. Robin asked him if he's going to stay off of drugs now. He said he's going to stay clean now. John said he got nailed for selling drugs to the guy three times.
Howard took a call from a guy who told John that if he goes through with this thing, he'll end up going back on the heroin. John said he almost did go back on drugs to get through this whole thing. Howard asked the two of them if they were ready to go do their thing. They were ready to go so Howard told John that if he wants to bail out at any time, he can just run out of the room. John said he wouldn't have come down if he wasn't going to do it and he doesn't want to look like a fool.
Howard told John to give it his best shot and asked him if he had any condoms with him. John said he didn't have any but he needs about 3. Siobhan said that she has a bunch of them and she'll even have a female condom that she'll be wearing. Howard asked her why she would have that, she's not a female. John is doing all of this just so he can get in on the Artie Roast that's coming up next month.
Howard took a call from Zolar who told John that he's got to give him props for doing this. He wants to know what it looks like and smells like. He wanted him to suck her titty right then but John wasn't going to do that. Zolar also told him that he'll be known as a junkie, homo for the rest of his life.
Another caller told John that he's probably going to smell like Brie cheese after he's done doing it and he may never get another woman. Ralph called in and asked Siobhan if she was nuts because she was putting up all of these huge obstacles for the guy to get past. She's got tons of cats at her apartment and she's asking him to eat her out and things like that. John pointed out that Siobhan has snot running out of her nose too. Siobhan said that it's the weather and she can't help it.
John said that he had sex about 4 months ago. He asked if this was going to make him gay. Howard and Robin said ''no'' but Artie told him ''Yeeesss!'' Howard said he wasn't going to try and convince this guy to do this, he told him to just go give it a try and see if he could get it up for her. He's going to be the first man to stick his penis inside of her fake vag. Richard Christy stuck his finger in there last week.
Howard said that Siobhan had her head on John's shoulder and he looked like he didn't know what to do. Ralph just laughed when he heard that. John said that he bailed out last week because he really didn't think he'd be able to go through with the whole thing. Howard told the two of them to go on their way and to call them back when they get to Siobhan's place. She lives about 10 minutes away.
John Can't Get It Up For Siobhan. 05/22/06. 10:15am
After the break Howard took a phone call from a guy who thought it was so funny that those truck drivers thought that they were talking to the real David Lee Roth. He said that's actually horrifying to think that there are people like that driving trucks around.
Howard went to Richie Wilson from In Demand who was over at Siobhan's apartment. Richie described the scene as the basement scene from the movie ''Silence of the Lambs.'' He said that the toilet is in the middle of a room and there are no walls around it. He said that the place smells like cat urine and there's hair all over the linens and things like that.
Shuli was also over there and said that he went to go pee in the toilet and there was a cat drinking out of it. He described the scene and said that there were cat cages all over the apartment and John was sitting there trying to chub up a bit. He was all nervous and shaking as well. He also talked about all of the cat toys and crap that were in there for them. There are cats with damaged ears and all kinds of other injuries.
Howard said that maybe Shuli and Richie should hand over their phones to John and Siobhan so they can listen in as this is going on. John got on the phone a minute later and said that he was having trouble chubbing up and Siobhan wouldn't give him a magazine to look at. Siobhan said it wouldn't count if he did that.
Howard asked John how they could help him out. John said that he was trying to get himself going but it was tough. Artie told Siobhan that if he went out and got a chick for John, that might help. Howard told John to let Siobhan just tug on that thing for him. He said that if he closes his eyes that might help too.
Siobhan laid down on the bed and spread her legs but that wasn't helping John out either. Howard told him to just go ahead and let Siobhan tug on his package. Howard asked him who he finds to be an attractive celebrity. John said he's into Eva Longoria so Howard told him to pretend that Siobhan is Eva.
Siobhan had to go and wash off her vibrator. When she came back she told John to take his shoes off. Howard told her to pretend to be Eva Longoria for John. Siobhan then started explaining the cats injuries and all of that. Howard told her to shut up and let John do his thing. John said that Siobhan was on the bed with her legs spread and they had no idea what was going on there.
Siobhan said that she blew out a hemorrhoid last night so that came up while she was trying to vibrate herself. Howard told John they had to get going so he had to do something. John put Shuli on the phone and Shuli described the scene. He said that John was walking around with his hand in his pants trying to turn himself on. Siobhan told John to relax. Shuli added ''Just relax, we're all guys here...''
Shuli said that John pulled out a condom and unwrapped it. Then Siobhan said that John actually has beautiful eyes and he's a very sweet guy. John had his pants unzipped and opened up. He was messing around down there. Shuli asked how come Siobhan's doctor isn't in jail for what he did to her.
John announced that he was actually getting smaller. Shuli tried to encourage him and John's pants did come down but he wasn't aroused. No one was surprised by that. Shuli said that poor John was staring at an inside-out penis on Siobhan.
Siobhan was still upset about the comments the guys were making about her cats. She said that the cats don't stink like the guys said they did. Howard said that she's got 30 cats in the apartment so it must stink.
Howard had George Flowers and Jon Hein come in with their show previews. George Flowers was first up with his Howard 100 News preview. George mentioned the stories that Lisa G mentioned earlier and also talked about some of the guests they had on the show today that they'll have interviews with. Jon Hein then gave a quick preview of what was coming up on The Wrap Up Show after Howard's show. He mentioned many of the things that went on during the show today and what they'll be talking about today.
Howard got back to Shuli and the crew at Siobhan's apartment. Shuli said that John was on the bed next to Siobhan. Howard asked him to put him on the phone so he could talk to him. John said that there was a cat on the bed trying to lick his penis and the smell was making him sick. He said he was trying to rub it to get it going but nothing was happening.
Howard had John put Siobhan on the phone. She told Howard that when she touches him, it shrinks into his body. Howard told her that she was a man so she should know what to do with it. Siobhan said that she wasn't very connected to her penis when she still had one. Howard told her to put John back on the phone. John said that he was going to try and shove it in while it was soft but Siobhan said it wouldn't go in unless it was hard.
Howard got Siobhan back on the phone. She told Howard that she wants him to tell John to eat her out. Howard tried to convince her to let John stick it in while it was soft. Siobhan didn't understand how John wasn't getting aroused while she was using the vibrator on herself. Howard told her it's because she's a man with a ''mangina.'' Siobhan believes that she's a woman with a vagina but that's not how these guys see it.
Siobhan said that she needs a man who is really into her and wants to have sex with her. Howard told her that's impossible but she said that's not true. Gary told Howard that Jessica Hahn was on the phone and wanted to talk to this guy. John got back on the phone and said he saw something under his vagina. Siobhan was saying that it was her hemorrhoid. John described it as red popcorn and couldn't explain it. He told Howard he has no clue what this looks like.
Howard put Jessica on the phone with John. She then told John to close his eyes and take a deep breath. She told him to think about her being naked and feeling really soft. She described kissing his belly and going down toward his penis and balls. She was saying that she was stroking his penis and balls and slipping down, feeling her way around with her tongue.
None of that was helping. John said that the scene was crazy there and nothing was helping. He said that there were cats swinging from ropes in the apartment. He said the smell was so bad he couldn't even think about that stuff. Howard was ready to bail out after that but John was saying that he still wanted to stick it in while he was semi-hard.
Howard got Siobhan back on the phone. She said that she had shoved her hemorrhoid back in after lubing it up. She said that she didn't want to take the penis in unless it was hard. She said that she's never seen a guy's penis go back inside when touching one. Howard had her put John back on the phone and then yelled at him to just get in there and do his thing. He told him to stop being a fag (and laughed as he was saying it) and to just go fuck that thing. That didn't work either.
Howard gave up and told John to at least just free the cats if he's not going to screw that thing. Rev. Bob Levy called in and told John to just go fuck that dude if he wants to come to the Artie roast. He told him to just go fuck that dick-cunt. That wasn't going anywhere either so Bob told him to just go fuck that 1 eared cat.
Gary said that he heard John said that he was willing to let Siobhan blow him. Howard wasn't sure he wanted to hear that. John then offered to lick Siobhan's fake vagina one time. Someone suggested 3 times but Howard was ready to call this whole thing an ''abortion'' and gave up on it. He told John that this segment, just like Siobhan's vagina, is mangled. He said he's going to let this guy into the Artie roast because he did give it a try.
John tried one last time to convince Siobhan to let him stick it in soft. Siobhan said that she won't let him do that because it's obvious that John's penis doesn't want him to. Siobhan agreed to let him rub the soft penis in there because she had a dental dam to use. John saw the hemorrhoid there again so he was freaked out once again.
John asked Siobhan to sit on top of him. Siobhan was yelling at him and not helping things out. She sat on top of him and said that his penis didn't even reach her pussy. John told her to just grab it and shove it in but that wasn't going to happen. Siobhan said that they have to find someone who really wants to do it. Howard told John that it turns out he was normal and he doesn't have to apologize for not getting aroused. He's still going to be invited to the Artie roast.
In the clip Penn had just come in when Howard brought up an answering machine message he had left for Robin. Howard played the clip and said he thinks that he'd be a great guy for Robin. Penn said that Robin has Frank Gannon who wants her too though.
Howard said he had no idea that Penn was into Robin. Penn said he's been coming in since day one talking about how much he likes her. Howard said he never saw it.
Howard said he had a lot to get to today. He said he had to take a break though. Penn and Robin spent a minute talking about their little thing and Robin said she wanted to make it up to him.
After an edited out break Howard asked Penn what's up with him not being able to make the move. Penn wasn't sure. Penn said he didn't put enough thought into it. Howard said he knows how to get Robin. He said he can tell him the way. Howard told him he should have called him.
Howard said Penn has to tell Robin he has a lot of money and he wants to share his life with her. He said he doesn't have to do it, he just has to tell her that. Penn asked if he should be taking notes. Howard said he'll talk to him off the air about this stuff later. Howard said he knows how Robin thinks. He told her not to say he's entirely wrong.
Robin's Last Sexual Experience... 1/7/97. 10:00am
Robin mentioned that she hadn't had sex in about 6 or seven years a few months back. Well today she was talking about it once again. It was New Years day 1990 when Robin changed her life forever. Robin had a wild night of sex but the next morning for her new years resolution she decided to get rid of her boyfriend. She fed him breakfast and when he was all done she asked him ''..don't you think it's time for you to leave?'' and ever since then she hasn't had sex with another man. Wow.. what a nut.
Sal's Wife Christine Gets To Shoot Him In The Ass. 03/22/07. 7:50am
Howard said that Sal has this really hot wife, Christine, and many people aren't sure how he got someone so hot. She came walking in and Howard asked her if she feels that she blew it by marrying Sal. Sal was in also and said that they're a bunch of assholes. Howard asked her if she ever says to herself that she made a mistake. She said that lately she has been doing that. She laughed when Howard asked her about that stuff. She said she was very nervous. Sal didn't understand that.
Sal went on to say that Christine lost 15 pounds and she's been going out lately. He called her when she was out at a club one night and some dude told her to hang up the phone on him. He said she told him that it was her friend Sue talking but he knew it was a dude. She said that she does have guys hitting on her at the bars she goes to. Sal said they can have her. Howard told Sal he'll never get a hotter chick than this.
Christine said that Sal is lazy so he pointed out that he gets up at 4 in the morning and doesn't get home until 6:30 at night and she's calling him lazy. Howard wanted to know how he was lazy but Christine didn't want to start a war. Howard asked her if she's heard the songs that Sal has written about her. She hadn't heard them so Howard played ''My Wife'' for her. In that one Sal sings about how he'd like to crack her in the skull and throw her in the trash among other things. Christine was laughing during the song so she must not have been too upset.
Howard said he can not figure out what Sal is talking about. He said that she's just hot. Howard asked Christine what she wears when she goes out with her friends to the club. She said it's just regular clothes. Sal said she asked him how she looked and he told her that she looked like she was ready to fuck someone else, that's how she looked.
Howard asked Christine about how she avoids touching Sal. Sal claims she won't even hold his hand. Sal said that he touched her the other night and she jumped and didn't want to do anything. He said she was watching Lost and that was more important than sex. Howard asked Christine if she was sexually attracted to Sal. She didn't answer. She told him not to put her on the spot like that. Sal couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sal said it seems like Christine and Howard have the same sentiment about him.
Christine said when she met Sal in college he was singing stupid songs then so she should have known he was going to be like this. Sal was in school to become a radiologist but that didn't pan out. Artie said that it's worked out for Sal, he's working on this show.
Howard asked Christine about the house and why she keeps Sal from wearing his shoes in the house. Sal said that she has a cleaning lady come in one day a week. He said he has to clean up the day before the cleaning lady comes in and he thinks that's ridiculous. Christine told Howard she had the answer about being attracted to him... and it was 'no.'
Sal said he's pleading for help in this whole thing. He wants the marriage to work out. Gary said that Sal claims to be held up for ransom over some tapes that they had of her yelling at him. She demanded a $1400 bag to give him permission to play that stuff on the air so he did it. Howard played some of the clips where Christine was screaming at Sal for doing things while they were taking pictures at home. Christine said that he does that stuff on purpose to get her pissed at him. Howard asked her if she sees herself being married to him the rest of her life. She said ''I don't know...'' and laughed. Sal said she's serious too. She said that Sal had just insulted her so that's why she was going there.
Artie asked Christine if money is an issue for her. She said that it is for Sal. Artie asked Sal how much of a pay cut he had to take going to this job form being a Stockbroker. Sal said it was a huge cut but Christine supported him in that. He thinks that it can work out in the long run.
Howard asked Christine what would make her feel better about him. She said that on Friday Sal didn't shovel at all when it snowed last week. She said that Sal said he was making breakfast and then told her that she could have told him to shovel if she wanted him to. He talks in circles according to Christine. Sal told Howard that he made breakfast for 3 kids and tended to them. After breakfast he watched TV with the kids. Then she comes home and starts digging away with the shovel but he doesn't have ESP so he doesn't know she's out there. He said he didn't know she was out there.
Sal said that Christine was telling him that he has to get out on the road more so they can pay for things around the house. He said that was after she asked him to be home more. Now she's telling him to call Bob Levy to get booked on more shows. She was telling Sal that he shouldn't be making songs about her either.
Howard played Christine another song parody that Sal wrote about her. That one was to the tune of ''Photograph'' and in it he sings about her fat ass and how she married him for his money. Sal told Howard that what he wants is a little respect from his wife. He said he'd like to come home like other guys who have their wives showing up to comedy shows and rubbing their man's back and things like that. He said he'd like her to take that extra step and just like him a little more. Christine said she is very nice to him when he comes home. Sal said she yells at him to take off his shoes and to clean up the house for the cleaning lady.
Sal said he called home from the train one day and asked Christine what they were having for dinner. She told him ''whatever you bring home'' and hung up on him. Howard told Sal that he's got himself a hot wife and he should watch himself. She asked if the club was open tonight.
Christine told Howard a story about Sal stripping down to his underwear at a wedding they went to. That's the kind of stuff he does to her. After that Howard told Sal to take his pants down so his wife could shoot him in the ass. He explained that the money they were trying to win was courtesy of this movie ''The Shooter'' which comes out tomorrow.
Christine was going to be shooting Sal in the ass with a paintball gun. For each shot she hit, she wins $500. Christine was going to be about 20 feet from Sal with a paintball gun. Howard said they can make up to $5,000 so she gets 10 shots. She gets no practice shots according to Howard. Christine said that she's never shot a gun before. Howard had a guy there from a place called Chilly Bear where they run paintball gun events. He told Howard Sal will have some big welts on his ass if he gets hit. Howard said he thinks that Sal shouldn't do it but Sal said he already spent the money on a Disney vacation.
Howard said you can find out more about Chilly Bear at ChillyStuff.com. He then had Christine take her first shot. She missed Sal completely but Sal said he felt the air go past his hair. Artie said that those things go fast. Sal said he's never felt what a grazed bullet feels like but that's what it must feel like. He asked for a helmet before the next shot. Christine took her second shot and missed again. Sal said that was very scary. Christine took her third shot as Sal was breathing heavy waiting for the pain. Sal got hit in the leg but it just grazed him. Sal said it just grazed his thigh. Howard said they were going to give her $500 for that shot.
Christine took another shot and nailed Sal right in the thigh. Sal was screaming out in pain. Mike Gange said there was quite a welt on him from that shot. Gary told Sal to keep his legs closed so they don't hit his balls. Christine was laughing and said it was very funny. She took her next shot and hit him square in the ass. Sal yelled out in pain once again. They were up to $1,500. Sal asked her not to hit that side again because it hurt so much. Sal said he was going to have a heart attack if she hit that side again. Will said that it was actually bleeding on that side.
Howard asked Sal if he wanted to stop. Christine took another shot and hit him in the exact same spot. Sal yelled out in pain and kept yelling because it hurt so bad. Howard said he had to put a stop to it at that point. Sal said he had to stop because the pain was just too much. Gary said that Sal was in pain but Christine was laughing at him. She seemed to feel nothing for him.
Fred asked Sal to just go through with one more shot because it was the last one. He had gone through this much so far, he should just put the pain out of his mind and go through with one more. Sal couldn't take the pain. Howard told Sal that if he took one more shot he would give him the $5,000 and he'd even let him cover up that cheek. Sal said if he did that the e-mail would start coming in. He said he was going to leave that cheek open and just go for it.
Howard said he didn't like that Sal was going to do it again. He was afraid that it was going to really hurt the guy. Howard said Sal almost passed out from this yet Christine was ready to take another shot. She said she didn't want to come in the first place. Sal said he needs the money so she has to go through with it. He asked her to please not hit the left side. He said he was willing to take the chance though. Sal covered up his balls again and got ready for the final shot. She took the shot and missed. They let Christine take one more shot and she tried not to hit the left side. She hit him on the right side. Sal said that it hurt so much and it sounded like he was about to cry. Gary told him to walk around but Sal told him he wasn't going to walk around and told him to leave him alone. Christine told him to just shovel the driveway next time.
Howard said that they had just won $5,000 and asked to see the welts on Sal's ass. She almost hit him in the rectum. Sal said it felt like they turned up the power or something because it hurt just as much as the shots that hit the same spot. Howard wrapped up and thanked Billy from Chilly Bear and also thanked Christine for coming in.
Mike Gange said they had some replays to play for them. They showed those on the studio monitors but there was no sound. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Gene Simmons was out watching all of that going on out there in the office. He went to break a short time later.
The Babapology Tape. 6/18/99. 6:30am
Thanks to Joner for the ''Babapology'' title.. If you didn't hear yesterday's show you have to read about the lost Baba Booey tape that I wrote about. This morning Gary brought the tape in and was ready to collect his money. He told Howard that he watched it again last night and it's even more embarrassing that he remembered it to be. He said it wasn't just a couple of months after he and Nancy broke up, it was 7 months later! Gary said that he wanted to cut out the first three minutes of tape because it was kind of boring but Howard wouldn't let him do it. He also told Howard that he wanted to nullify the Death Pool deal they had with Walter Matthau. Howard told him the deal was off. When Gary found out how much money was up in the air he changed his mind. KC came in and told Gary that he had $18,000 in his hand but a short time later he said it was only $10,800. He said he forgot a zero. It turns out there was a total of over $18,000 including the $7000 that Howard and the rest of the crew were putting in for the tape. 3 guys showed up for the first showing and there were others for the second showing with less money. The first 2 guys came in with a total of $10,000. They got front row seats for the video. Howard even had popcorn popped for the guys to eat while watching the tape. The first viewing went off a little bit past 7:00am. This Jewish Canter came in and sang a special Baba Booey version of the Star Spangled Banner for Howard but he didn't like it so he cut him off and kicked him out of the studio. It turned out that the first 3 minutes had some really funny stuff in it. Everyone got to see Gary from 11 years ago with his John Oates(Hall and Oates) look.. big moustache and all. Gary started off telling Nancy why he was doing the videotape.. because he couldn't ''get an audience'' with her. He told Howard that he was able to talk to Nancy on the phone but she wouldn't see him in person. He also said he was able to date her after he made the tape but didn't get into details. Everyone in the studio was laughing hysterically through the tape. The fans who showed up were commenting on Gary's big teeth and moustache. Everyone agreed that Gary came off as a big pussy.. and that was after only 5 minutes of the 12 minute tape! Howard took a break and came back to keep the tape going. Gary hints that he may propose to Nancy a couple of times but those big choppers don't let it out. The first viewing went on for over an hour and 10 minutes. There were plenty of funny parts in the tape to make it worth rewinding. At one point Gary tells Nancy that he ''lost my lover and my best friend'' and that she lost the same thing but gained another lover and best friend. Then he says that he gained some lovers but no best friends. Everyone burst out laughing. Howard called that formula ''Teeth=MC
The Second Showing Of ''Babapology.'' 6/18/99. 9:30am
Howard had a second showing of Gary's apology tape around 9:30 this morning. There were a lot more people in the studio watching this time around. Howard's buddy Ralph even showed up. Yesterday he was saying that the tape probably wouldn't be that good but after hearing the first viewing he changed his mind and raced down to the studio. There were a bunch of other guys who paid a couple hundred dollars a piece to get in. This time Howard didn't interrupt quite as many times but everyone was getting just as much of a thrill the second time as the first. Howard actually found new things to goof on in the tape also. Poor Gary had to sit there while everyone in the studio commented on the tape. When he walked out of the studio Howard thought he was leaving because he was embarrassed. It turned out he just wanted to get his Gatorade to wet his choppers. Gary eventually got into a little more detail about what happened after the tape was sent. Nancy got back together with him but broke up again after a short period of time. Gary said he was on his best behavior but it didn't work. She broke up with him after bringing her to a Phil Collins concert. The second showing went through with no commercial interruptions so it only took about 50 minutes this time. Near the end of the tape Benjy came in and said they had a grand total of $16,600.. That couldn't be correct so Howard yelled at him for being an idiot. He and KC couldn't come up with a correct number if their lives depended on it. When the tape was over there was a standing ovation from the crowd. Gary said that on the next ''Best Of'' he'll play the taps of the time Howard goofed on him and almost made him cry. That's what led to this whole thing coming out yesterday. Later in the morning they came in with a final tally that turned out to be wrong anyway. They had to guesstimate that it's actually somewhere around $20,000.
Today's Whole Lotta Love special was over around 10:50am.
Fred Durst Comes In. 2/27/03. 8:00am
Singer Fred Durst came in to promote his new album Bipolar which will be out in May. Howard said Fred has a lot of tattoos. Fred said he hasn't had anything new put on lately, it's all the same stuff. Howard asked Fred if it feels like he's still wearing a shirt when he takes his shirt off at the beach. Fred said he likes that he's the guy causing mothers to take their kids and run away when he takes his shirt off.
Howard asked Fred what he did last night because he seemed to be a little drunk today. Fred said he went to a club last night and there were no chicks there. He said he ended up talking to some drunk guy instead. Fred told Howard that he has some buddies he goes out with.
Howard brought up Britney Spears and asked Fred about what happened between them. Fred said they were working on some songs together and he always had a thing for her. He was really into her, but not the songs. He said the songs he wrote for her were good but she just recently said that she didn't like the songs. Howard asked Fred if it was true that he did what he told Cabbie recently. Fred said he swears on his son that it was true. Howard and Fred went through the story about how he and Britney hooked up to do these three songs he wrote. Howard tried to get as many details as possible out of Fred. Howard said Britney can't write any of her own songs so she needs Fred to write some stuff for her. Robin asked Fred how Britney dressed for work when they were together. Fred said she wore one of those skirts that hangs low on the hips and her shirt was exposing her belly. Howard told Fred that what he did was just fine and he shouldn't feel bad about anything he did. Fred said any guy in his position would have done the same thing.
Fred said they worked together for a few days on the songs he wrote. He said he thought that he was doing it for the wrong reasons. He was doing it to get in her pants. Howard asked him what the signal was that made him think she wanted to move ahead with him. Fred said he wrote her a letter to her and she ended up leaving the studio. Fred said the letter was nothing really but she ended up coming back to the studio around 3 in the morning. Fred said the letter was just a cool, sweet thing that he wrote. He said he didn't remember what it said though. Fred told Howard that Britney was sweet and she sang the songs pretty good. He said when she came back she told him she just wanted to hang out with him. He said she was wearing a see through shirt and didn't have a bra on. He said she had an entourage with her when she came back but they were pretty cool. After that they went back to Britney's house and hung out. Howard interrupted that story and asked Fred if he gave Britney any ''nose candy'' but Fred said he's drug free. He said that Britney drinks and smokes but he didn't see her doing any drugs. Howard said it seems like Britney wants to be a bad girl these days and if she wants to be really bad she should sleep with him. He said Fred is bad but he's even worse. Howard asked Fred what Britney's house was like and how he got rid of Britney's entourage. Fred told Howard that they should probably stop at this point and everyone got upset. Howard said Britney is out badmouthing him and he should tell them everything. Howard said he believes everything Fred is saying so he should let it all out. Britney is apparently denying having sex with Fred. Fred said she's not the sweet, innocent girl she seems to be. Howard said he bets that Fred banged Britney from behind. Howard thought he saw Fred nod his head but Fred said he didn't nod.
Howard said that Britney is saying that Fred is making every single thing up and she doesn't even know her. Howard went on to ask Fred some questions about how they hooked up. He gave some quick answers. Howard asked him if he banged her the first night but Fred didn't want to answer that.
Crazy Cabbie called in since he was the one who broke the story. Fred told Cabbie off mic that he ate Britney's bad place. The guys told Fred that it wasn't a bad thing and he should be proud. Fred said it was good too. Howard asked Fred if Britney had a better body than Carmen Electra. He said she does because he likes a woman to have a little bit of curve and softness. He said Carmen is a little more toned than Britney. He went on to sing some of the lyrics from one of his new songs and he pretty much says he got Britney on the first night. The guys asked him if he used a condom on her but Fred wasn't giving a straight answer. Fred claims that the relationship went on for a little while and it's kind of weird that she's denying it now. He said he talks about this stuff on his web site LimpBizkit.com and it became a big thing there. Fred said that Britney is lying about them not having a relationship and it's pissing him off. He said it's enough already. Howard said he loves this stuff though.
Howard plugged Limp Bizkit's album ''Bipolar'' which comes out in May. Howard took a couple of phone calls. One guy asked Fred if Britney's boobs are real. Fred said they are real. Fred said he can't believe all of this stuff is still going on. Gary came in and asked Fred what kind of hair cut Britney has down below. Howard guessed that she shaves it all but Fred said it's a big bush. Howard asked him if he was shocked at that. Fred said he thought it was pretty cool actually. Howard was surprised. He took a couple more phone calls and Double A called in to find out if Fred got oral from her. He wasn't answering though. Howard asked if she was loud in bed or not. Fred said this was going a little too far at this point. He said he wouldn't be talking about all of this stuff if she hadn't denied it. Howard and Fred talked about that for a few more minutes before wrapping up the interview. Gary told Howard they also wanted to plug Limp Bizkit's concert at Giants Stadium on July 8th. Howard said he'd introduce them if Fred wants.
Fred's buddy Paco came in to talk about how he's in charge of getting rid of Britney's entourage when Fred wants to hang with her. Howard asked him how he got the hillbilly cousins out of the room. He also asked Paco if he gets Fred's left overs. Paco said he doesn't get that though. Fred told Howard that Britney was very aggressive with the relationship. They spent a couple more minutes on that before Gary came in and said they're having a debate in the office on whether or no Fred and Britney actually had sex. Fred hesitated and didn't want to give a straight answer. He said he'd never let his fans down but wouldn't give a straight answer. Paco chimed in and said a quick ''Yeah.'' Gary said he could hear the guys applauding in the office.
Howard played a little bit of Limp Bizkit's new song which was about Britney and he goes off on her pretty good. Vinnie Favale called in and asked if they were in ''agreeance'' that he had sex with Britney. That was a word that Fred used up on stage at the Grammys. Fred said that he meant to say ''agreement.'' He said he doesn't know where that word ''agreeance'' came from. That led to Howard talking to Fred about his anti-war stance and a few other things before ending the interview. Howard asked Fred which pop star is next on his list. Fred said he wanted to keep that quiet. Howard also spent a short time talking about the Great White concert where the club ended up burning down. Fred said that he's raising money for the families of the people that died in that fire. Fred said that stuff like that shouldn't happen at a concert. He said they had a fan die at a concert they did in Australia and it could have been prevented. Howard wrapped up the interview after that short discussion.
In the clip Howard took a call from this guy, Shamu, who was high on cat tranquilizers. The guy said he had the needle there and he was shooting up. He had his radio on very loud so Howard had to ask him to turn it off. The guy said it was off but Howard could still hear it.
The caller asked Howard to have someone come down and pick him up. Howard asked if the guys wanted to see him. Robin and the guys sounded like they wanted to see him.
Howard asked if the guy was gay. The caller said he's not a fag. He was purring for Howard. Howard figured he was a fag. Howard asked if he has a job. Shamu wasn't answering questions. He asked Howard what he does. Then he'd purr. Howard asked if he was coming on to him or something. Shamu would say Howard's name and then purr again. Howard said it must feel good to do that when you're high.
Shamu started to repeat the word ''parlay'' over and over. He would purr and start talking about weird stuff. Howard had to ask him to turn the radio off again. The guy sounded like he was getting higher and higher.
Robin said she's getting high just listening to this guy. Shamu kept repeating Howard's name. Howard said he has to hang up on him. Shamu asked them to come pick him up. Howard told him to hold on so they can get his information.
After an edited out break Howard told the guy they couldn't get him down there. Shamu kept saying ''K'' over and over. Jackie figured he was talking about Special K. Howard said he's going to end up dead anyway. Shamu kept saying K over and over. He said he loves Jodi. Howard said this guy is so wasted. Howard said he's been this high too. He said he should have taped himself years ago.
There was a woman in the room laughing so Howard figured she might be high too. Shamu kept saying ''spigot'' over and over. Howard said you do that when you're high sometimes. He said you don't even realize you're doing it. Howard asked to speak to this Jodi woman. Shamu kept repeating Howard's name again.
The woman, Jodi, picked up and asked if this was the needle exchange. Howard said he couldn't take it anymore so he put them on hold so they can talk to that instead.
Gary came in and said there's a veterinarian on the phone who says that if they took what they claim they took then they should get their stomach's pumped immediately. Howard tried to pick up both but he lost the calls thanks to his crappy phone system. Howard said he can't work the phones. He said it's very hard and he can't even explain what's going on there. Howard told Robin to come over and try working it. Robin said she never has so she wouldn't know what to do. They went to break after that.
Phone Call To Fred's Mother About Sex. 10/17/97. 7:40am
The other day Howard spoke to Jackie's mother about oral sex and other stuff. Today it was Fred's mother's turn. Howard gave her a call and found out that she is the most open mother of them all. Howard first spoke to Fred's step-father about the subject. He let everyone know that they had done that stuff and maybe still do. Fred's mother confirmed it. She said that they're very happy.
Eric The Actor's Entertainment Report. 03/09/05. 6:55am
Howard had a new Entertainment Report from Eric the Midget Actor. He said they have to hire him because the whole thing is so ridiculous. He played the bit that the guys put together. Eric called in and talked about the latest issue of Playboy that's out with Christy Hemme. He was reading his lines and kind of stammered as he was reading it. Howard said there were noises in that report that were unbelievable. Howard asked Robin if she could follow one bit of the report. Eric read his sports report and had some trouble reading those lines as well. Howard said the report should be about what Eric has planned for his day. Eric read some other pieces of news about Nick Carter getting arrested for drunk driving and when Robin heard that, she just quietly said ''Oh boy...'' Howard said he loves Eric.
Eric left the guys a message asking them to move his E! show to the same night that American Dreams airs. He basically wants them to change their whole schedule based on him. Eric called in a short time later so Howard asked him why he would lead his entertainment review with a wrestling report. That's not exactly the biggest news. Eric didn't have much of a comeback for them though. Howard played more of his entertainment report where he was having trouble reading. It had Robin and Artie laughing pretty hard. Howard said that Eric's read is garbled and his news stories aren't all that interesting. Howard did his impression of Eric reading the report and goofed on him a little bit. He told him he likes the report, but he likes it for all the wrong reasons. Howard wants to bring him to ''ehh, ehh, ehh'' (Sirius) when he goes. He's thinking of giving him his own half hour show over there. Howard played a little more of his report and laughed as Eric stammered over his celebrity report. Howard told him he needs to put more energy into it and be a little more cheerful. Artie suggested that he use some Mike Walker-isms in his reports but Eric isn't into that. Howard let Eric go so he could go to commercial break. Robin wondered why he was back on the show because she thought he was giving it up. Howard just said that ''he's back'' and went to break.
A 13 Year Old's Penis Issues. 03/09/05. 7:15am
Howard came back from break and took a phone call from Sara, a woman who wanted him to talk to her 13 year old son about some ''penis issues'' he has. She said that he thinks that he's small. Howard said that maybe he is and asked her if she has seen it herself. She said that he won't show it to her and won't let her take him to the doctor. Howard said that he had the same problem when he was about that age but he was told that maybe he was just a late bloomer. It never grew though. Howard agreed to talk to the kid so the woman put him on the line. Howard told the kid that he was the same way and that's the way he stayed. The kid wasn't even sure if he's really small because he's never seen other kids or anything. The kid said he's not sure what to compare his to so he doesn't know how big he is. It turns out he has seen some porno and that's what he's comparing himself to. Howard said you can't compare yourself to that stuff because an adult male isn't the same thing. Howard told him he's comparing apples to oranges and it just won't work. Howard brought up how small he was when he was a kid and how his growth never happened. The kid said that he saw some porn over at his friend's house. Howard told him that the guys in porn are freaks and not everyone is that big. He said that chicks do care about size but as long as it's working, he should be fine. Howard told him to stop watching the porn and wait until he's 17. Artie told him to either stop or just watch girl on girl porn instead. Artie also told him to stay away from acid. Howard ended up giving the kid a prize. He had an iPod Shuffle.. Artie asked him if he was bigger than the shuffle... or a $500 prize courtesy of the movie ''Hostage.'' Howard told him that he'll look bigger to chicks if he's got $500. The kid said he had a girlfriend at one time but that only lasted a couple of months. He only got to kiss her.
Howard talked about the girlfriend he had when he was 13 years old and how he tried to do other things with her but just ended up kissing her. His buddy Dr. Lew told him to dump her so he could play the field. He dumped her and 2 seconds later she was dating another dude. Howard didn't get another girl until he was about 16. Howard told the kid that he would send the kid the $500 or he'd give it to Artie and let Artie place a bet with his bookie and try to make him more money. Artie looked up some of the games that were coming up. The kid wanted to keep the $500 and not let Artie lose the money. The kid wasn't willing to let Artie bet his money. Howard asked the kid what's going on with his father. The kid said that he hasn't seen him since he was about 7 years old. Howard wanted to ask his mother what's going on there but the kid said that they don't even talk about him anymore. They lost connection with him years ago. Howard said that the kid is probably fine. Howard asked him to describe his mother to him. He basically said that she was a MILF. Howard said the kid can think of them as his substitute fathers. Artie can teach him about finance and Howard could teach him about penis. He told the kid that his father is missing out on a someone that sounds like a great kid.
Howard got Sara back on the phone and asked her where the old man is. She didn't talk much about him but said she got pregnant at 16 and is now 29. She's 5'6'' tall and weighs 123 pounds. Howard thought she was a little heavy for that height. Sara said that the kid's father was around until he was about 6 but he was on and off for a while. The guy doesn't want anything to do with the kid. Sara said that the guy was 17 at the time and he didn't want the pregnancy to begin with. Howard wondered if the father was small in the pants. Sara said he was so maybe that's why he got the ''short end of the stick'' so to speak. Sara said her son is a great kid. Howard put her on hold so he could hook her up with the $500. He had to take another break after that.
More Various Stuff. 1/17/02. 8:20am
Vinnie Favale created a tribute to the Mariah Carey messages he downloads from her web site. He inserted clips in the Bruce Springsteen ''Jerry Maguire'' song. Howard played some of that and then played some new Mariah Carey messages that Vinnie brought in.
Howard's Rhode Island Station IDs. 8/9/01. 9:35am
Howard had a bunch of IDs to play from the Providence, Rhode Island affiliate WWKX FM 106.3. It's an urban station so they do a lot of ethnic IDs for the show that they play during the day. Howard thinks they sound really cool so he played a bunch of them for us. Howard liked the guy's delivery so much that he asked Gary to have him cut some special stuff for them that would sound ''really black.'' Howard also had a lot of IDs from black celebrities like Brandi, Shaggy, Busta Rhymes and many others who were ''chillin'' and ''represent'n'' with Howard on Hot 106. There were also a couple of IDs where a very ''white sounding'' guy does some stuff and Artie Lange wondered where that came from. He ended up joking about how the white guy would have to interpret the IDs for some of the audience. Howard said he might have to do some shows from the station up there. Artie also said that it's like Howard has come full circle from his days in Roosevelt, Long Island where black kids beat him up for his lunch money. Now they're givin' him props saying that they're ''chillin'' and ''represent'n'' with him.
Marky And Joey Ramone Call In. 09/17/1997. 7:20am
Howard said he had Marky Ramone from The Ramones on the phone and he wanted to talk about something that Joey had said about him on the show recently. Marky said that he heard that Joey had called him a drunk the last time he was on so he wanted to talk about that. Howard told him he also had Joey on the phone so he picked him up and told him he had Marky on the line. Joey told Marky he really doesn't care about this stuff and it was Marky who started it all. Marky said that Joey was mad about the last time they were on the show and he brought up his OCD thing so that's why he's doing this to him.
Joey said that he wasn't upset about any of this stuff and this is ridiculous. Marky said that he's glad that the band broke up when it did because it was time. Joey said he heard that Marky was bad mouthing him in his shows these days but Marky denied doing that. He said Joey is just jealous of him because he has his own band.
Howard asked Marky what was said on the internet that Joey was talking about. Joey said that Marky had written some stuff about him on the internet and he likes sending that stuff out to everyone. Howard said he'd like to do a People's Court thing with them and have Judge Judy in there to handle the case.
Marky told Robin that she looks great now that she's on that diet she's on. He said he was on the same diet and it worked for him as well. Joey told Howard that this is all ridiculous and he can't believe they woke him up to do this. Howard asked him if he wanted to apologize to Marky over this stuff. Joey did say that Marky isn't a drunk. He said he had some drinking problems himself. Marky said that he helped Joey get sober but Joey denied that and said it wasn't true. The two of them went back and forth arguing and not getting anything out of it.
Joey asked if he could go back to bed. He said that Marky isn't a drunk and that was it. Then Joey said that Marky wears a wig so they started to fight again. Howard asked Marky if that was true. He said it wasn't true but Joey insisted that it was true. The two of them continued to argue about that for a short time. They said that they used to be good friends but Joey said that Marky turned out to be two faced and that's why they're not so friendly now.
Howard said he was shocked about the wig comment and wondered if it was true that people were making fun of Marky at the Lollapalooza concert like Joey was saying. Marky said that wasn't true and went back and forth with Joey on that. Marky said that Joey can't get any girls because they're repulsed by him. Joey said he had 3 girls in bed with him right then.
After arguing for a few minutes both Joey and Marky said that they should apologize to each other. Marky wanted to do it at the same time after counting it down. He did the countdown and both of them remained silent. They wouldn't apologize to each other. They tried again and Joey apologized to Marky about whatever it was they were arguing about. Joey said that Marky has put a lot of stuff on the internet about him but Howard told them that they had just apologized so maybe they should get over it. Joey was going to talk about it but Marky wanted him to forget about it. Howard told him not to forget about it and to talk about it with him. They weren't giving details though so Howard wrapped up with them a short time later. Howard gave Marky some plugs for his band and let him talk about that a little bit before letting them go. He thanked them for calling in and both of them told Howard they like Howard. Joey did Marky one better and said that he loves Howard. Howard told them both to go back to bed and let them go.
Howard said that was a great call with them fighting the way they were. He took a call from a woman who said that she felt it was necessary to call in and say that she would like to be killed in a snuff film. Howard asked her what's up with that. She said that she'd like the death to take a long time and hopes to be there during it. She said that she doesn't think that there's any other way to get that feeling. Howard asked her if she's polish and she said she actually is. He said he had a feeling she was after some of the things she said.
Howard spent a short time talking to this woman about the snuff film thing and figured she was making a joke about the whole ting. He eventually bailed out of the call and said that it couldn't possibly be real. He went to break after that.
The $6000 Brothers. 3/1/00. 8:05am
Howard was taking a couple of phone calls to kill some time this morning when he came across these two brothers who need some money. The guys started to explain to Howard how they need $6000 to pay back some drug dealer for the crystal meth they've been taking. They said they'd do anything to get the money. One of the brothers was very calm and collected while the other guy, who Howard eventually called ''Mary'', would scream at his brother like a little girl. If the other brother mentioned his mother Mary would scream ''Shut up about Mom!'' Mary told Howard that he once gave oral sex to a drug dealer to get the drugs. Howard then told him he was gay for doing that but Mary kept saying that he's not. The other brother said he'd never do something like that. Mary said it's the drugs that made him give the oral to a guy. Howard told Mary that he's done tons of drugs and he never gave oral to any guy. Howard found Mary so funny that he actually decided to give them a chance to win some money. At first he told Mary that he'd have to give him anal to win the money. He also said that if they got the mother to come down and give Howard oral they could get some money. When Mary heard that he yelled ''You don't know my Mom!'' Then he decided to offer them a chance at playing ''Turkish Millionaire'' live in the studio tomorrow. The brothers said they'd come in and do it. Howard said that Mary would have to wear a dress and the other brother would have to wear a suit so they'd look like a couple. They don't have any money but hopefully we'll hear them on the show tomorrow.
Lawrence Taylor Comes In. 6/20/00. 7:00am
Ex-Football player Lawrence Taylor came in this morning to promote the FX Toughman 2000 show he's hosting now. He's also got a cameo on the new ''Shaft'' movie. Howard asked LT why he's unable to play football anymore. LT says that he's too old now and his bones crack when he moves these days. He's only 41 but that's pretty old to be getting bashed around in football. Howard brought up the fact that LT is friends with OJ Simpson. He asked LT if he's ever asked OJ straight out if he killed Nicole. LT said he has done that and OJ, of course, denies it. Howard spent a while goofing on what it might be like to hang out with OJ on the golf course. He asked LT if OJ has ever killed any caddies while Fred did his best OJ impression. Fred's OJ would say that he needs to bury a caddie who just died in a sand trap and stuff like that. LT took it all pretty well and just laughed it all off.
Howard also asked LT about his past drug use and asked if he smoked weed. LT said that weed was never his thing. He said he never wanted to mellow out. He used coke instead. Howard said that weed must be for hippies. LT said that weed is for hippies and guys with long hair who just want to mellow out. LT has been to rehab a couple of times and now he's apparently clean.
Howard asked LT about his current girlfriend and whether or not he's exclusive with her. LT claims he is but Howard doesn't believe it for some reason.
Howard took a couple of phone calls before LT left. There weren't many interesting calls though. The Toughman 2000 show that LT is on airs Friday nights at 10pm on the FX cable network.
J.D. Mugged On The Subway This Morning. 12/10/04. 6:40am
After the break Howard played a voice mail that Crazy Alice left about how she doesn't know much about black history. She said that Howard doesn't know all that much about Jewish history. She ended up yelling about how she hates being black. Robin couldn't figure out why she was going that nuts in the message but Artie and Howard pointed out that her first name explains it all... crazy.
Howard said that J.D., who tapes shows and pulls clips for Howard to play, was mugged on his way into the show this morning. He was punched in the face while on the subway. J.D. came in and started to tell the story but he was having some trouble talking... as he always does. He was on the subway at about 1:45 this morning so he can get there at about 3am. It takes a little while to get in from where he lives so he leaves very early. J.D. Said there were a couple of homeless people on the train and when they came to a stop at one of the stations there were 3 black dudes who got on the train. He tried not to make eye contact with them and just kept listening to his radio. Howard wondered how hard his heart started beating at that point. J.D. Said that the guys started messing with the homeless guy in the car... Howard interrupted and said that it sounds like something out of a movie and that Bernhard Goetz is his hero and people should be allowed to defend themselves when they're on a train like that. J.D. Said he wasn't really looking or paying attention to what was going on. He had his headphones on and tried to ignore it all. The guys were kind of yelling at the homeless guy from what he remembers. The homeless guy tried to chase the guys out of the train but one of the guys came up to J.D. and just punched him in the face. There were two guys holding the doors open so the train wouldn't leave. J.D. Had no place to go so he just sat there. He said he was punched and his glasses went flying. Artie was laughing at this point and did his ''Wah!'' bit with him.
J.D. Said that the guy's hand actually came in from outside the train when he hit him. He said that the guys were demanding that he give them money but he didn't have any. The guys were running around trying to hold the doors open while all of this was going on. The guy who punched him actually came back up to him and asked him if he was okay. He then asked him for money again and when he said he didn't have any, he handed over his CD player and Probot CD. Then the guy threatened to break his face if he said anything. The guys got off the train and got into a different car. J.D. Said the whole thing made him angry but there's nothing he could really do about it. Robin wondered if it ever occurred to him to swing at the guy who punched him. J.D. Said he didn't want the other two guys to attack him so he didn't bother. Howard told him that he should wear a Superman outfit when he takes the train to scare off the guys. Howard ended up giving J.D. an iPod photo since he lost his CD player. They're afraid that J.D. will lose that as well when he gets mugged again.
Fred told J.D. That you can't wear headphones on a subway at 2 in the morning. He said he should have looked the guy in the eye and may run out of the train when the doors were opened. Howard told J.D. That he would have started to talk black and tell them that he has AIDS. Robin said they should put him in some self defense classes. Howard said he took classes and all it did was confuse him. Howard doesn't think 10 years of training would prepare J.D. for that fight. Howard wishes that he was like Chuck Zito who could take guys down no problem. Gary said that J.D. was trapped because the doors in the cars are locked between cars.
J.D. didn't even bother to call the cops after all of that. He said there was really nothing he could do about it. Howard said he's probably right because the cops can't really do anything about it now. A guy claiming to be a cop told J.D. That he was a pussy and he should have just taken the guy down. He told the guys that he should be paying attention to what's going on around him. He has to pay attention and just talk to the guys when they get on the train. Look them in the eyes and just ask them how it's going. The cop said that J.D. was probably screaming like a girl while the guys were beating him. The cop said that if J.D. isn't a fighter, he shouldn't live where he does, he should live in Queens. The cop wished everyone happy holidays as he was getting off the phone.
Howard told J.D. To carry mace with him when he travels on the subway. Benjy told him that he should ride in the first car because there's always a conductor in there. J.D. Said that he usually rides in the second car because he feels safe in there. Now he's going to ride with the conductor when he can. Howard suggested that he sit on the conductor's lap. Artie was still laughing and told J.D. That it was a great story and he was glad he heard the story. Howard had to take a commercial break a short time later.
Howard's Bizarre Story About God. 4/7/97. 9:30am
I thought Howard had lost his mind this morning. He told Robin this really strange story about meeting God and Satan on his vacation. He went into a half hour talk about what they looked like and how Satan wants Howard to become his 'Lieutenant'! Robin thought he was nuts, so did I. After telling all of these fairy tales he went to commercial break. After the break some people faxed Robin to tell her what Howard was up to. He was going to say that he had changed his ways because that's what some tabloid magazine said he was going to do. It was just a VERY wacky story that he told. It turned out to be a story from some book by Ann Rice.
In the clip Howard was talking about Scott the Engineer's toupee and how they have it sitting on their OJ Mask in the studio. That led to him talking about how he's writing a script that will be the Twilight Zone where a guy's toupee comes to life.
Howard talked about what that would be like. Howard said he might have Scott play himself in the bit. Howard said that whoever has the toupee on their he ends up becoming a loser. Howard said that each person who gets the wig gets their personality sucked out of them each week.
Howard and Fred did their impressions of Scott and goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Robin told Howard that Scott isn't talking to her. She said she said hi to him this morning but he didn't respond. Gary told Howard what Scott has been complaining about lately so Howard and Fred did their impressions some more.
Howard said he really does want to write this Twilight Zone thing. He said he pitched the idea to FOX and they told him there was no way he could find an actor to play someone that miserable. Robin said Scott would have to play the part himself.
Howard and Fred did more of their impressions and made Scott's ''Chhh'' sounds. Howard said he has an idea for a scene where he's doing ''Hands Up'' and his hair flies off and lands on someone else's head. He started to sing ''Hair Up'' instead of ''Hands Up.''
Howard said he has another scene where Scott is on a fishing expedition and the hair gets stuck on a fishing line and ends up on a kid's head. Howard said the kid ends up having a miserable life of his own. Howard said he has another scene where Scott is in a restaurant and he sneezes and his hair lands on the waiter who ends up poisoning everyone.
Howard said they say that Robert De Niro is a great actor but even he wouldn't be able to play the part of Scott. Gary said he can put on 80 pounds for a role but he can't play Scott. Howard goofed on Scott about the work he has to do there and how much he complains about it.
Gary told Howard that King of All Messengers is on the phone. He said he has a new shtick he's doing where he calls into shows around the country because he has satellite that he can see all of these shows. Howard picked up on King and kept doing his impression of Scott. Howard had more ideas for Scott's movie. He said that in one scene the wig blows off on to a blind woman's seeing eye dog that ends up going crazy and biting everyone.
Howard kept coming up with ideas for this movie. He said he has like 85 pages of scenes for it. Howard had another one where he said that Scott loses his wig to a clown midget and the midget goes around punching everyone in the nuts.
Howard said Scott has to tell the cops that it was his hair causing the problems. He said maybe it can be an E! special. Robin said he'd have sequels if he made it into a movie. Gary said that the best art will be when Scott has to cut this up for Best Of and he has to listen to it all and edit it.
Howard and the guys were coming up with ideas for the movie and said that his wig could travel through time. Jackie suggested that the wig was actually Hitler's moustache.
Howard asked King of All Messengers who he called. King said he called a fire marshal during an interview. He played the call for Howard. King called in as Steven Grillo and asked what's being done to protect the firemen with gear and if they think that Howard Stern is the hottest thing on the planet. The host had no idea what he was talking about. They hung up on him and moved on.
King had another call he made to a show where they were talking about snow removal. King got on and mentioned Robin Quivers and some other names as roads and then asked if they could say ''Baba Booey.'' The host wasn't sure what he was asking. King kept asking if he can say Baba Booey. The guy eventually repeated it but they hung up on him a short time later.
Howard told King he's a nut. Howard asked if the host was an Indian guy or something. King said he is. He said that's why he thought it would be funny to hear him say Baba Booey. Howard wrapped up a short time later.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:50am.
Wendy was a little sick so she explained how she got sick and rambled about some other stuff. Howard had to take a break but Wendy wanted to sing for him first. She gave a bunch of shout-outs to her friends and then did some Karaoke to some song that was unrecognizable.
John Tesh (ex-host of Entertainment Tonight) drops in. 6/25/96.
John Tesh, also known as 'The Blonde Frankenstein' on the show, came in this morning to plug his new CD. If you're a fan of John's the name of the CD is Discovery. If you're not a fan then who cares what the name of the CD is. Howard spent most of the interview asking about John's wife Connie Seleca. Howard has always been stunned by their marriage. John Tesh is a big giant headed Frankenstein-like guy and Connie is one of the most beautiful women around. This blew Howard's mind and he still focus' in on that fact when he talks to John now. John was laughing and seemed to be having fun today. Howard asked him about why he left a $1 Million + a year job at Entertainment Tonight to play his new age music. John said that it wasn't because Connie didn't like him working so much. I guess it was his choice.
Robin's ''Millionaire'' Appearance Reviewed. 11/6/01. 7:05am
Howard had a bunch of tape from ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' when Robin was on last night. He played the clips of Big Foot Matt being interviewed by Regis and ended up goofing on Regis because it's obvious he doesn't really listen to what the contestants are saying. Howard went into a whole bit doing impressions of Big Foot and Regis. He then played a couple of the questions that Robin answered correctly. She got up to $125,000 and won it after calling her lifeline Fred to help her out. One phone caller pointed out that Fred said more during that 30 second phone call than he has on the Stern Show in a year. He answered the phone ''Yello!'' and said he was very nervous to be on. He had to guess at the correct answer but he actually got it right. Robin had to use another one of her lifelines to make sure Fred's guess was right but she ended up winning that question.
Howard had to take a break and when he came back he asked where his next tape was. Gary then handed it to him and Howard went crazy for a few seconds. He couldn't understand why Gary didn't give him the tape before sitting down on the couch. Gary said that Howard didn't know what the tape was so he wanted to explain it. Howard thought he knew but he was wrong. It was tape of Robin talking about her favorite guests on the show. She drew a blank when Regis asked her who the strangest guest was so Regis asked who her favorites were. Robin ended up saying that Gary Busey was one of the most interesting guests. Howard couldn't get his mind off the clip of Big Foot talking to Regis so he ended up replaying that. Of course that led to Howard doing his impressions of Big Foot and Regis having a discussion again. Howard then played the $250,000 question and Robin wasn't able to figure out the correct answer even after using her audience lifeline. She then decided to stick with the $125,000 that she'd won.
Howard said they had fun listening to the tapes and goofing on them. Robin said doing that show wasn't fun for her.
Howard brought up one thing they spent some time talking about on yesterday's show. Stuttering John bringing a portable TV to the Broadway play ''The Producers'' was interesting enough that Howard wanted to talk about it again today. John brought the TV with him so he could keep an eye on the Yankees game Sunday night. A couple of people ended up asking him to turn the TV off because it might interfere with the sound system in the theater. John said there were a lot of people there who were more interested in the score of the game than the play.
Crazy Cabbie called in so he could give Mike Bloomberg his endorsement like Howard did earlier in the morning. That led to Howard playing the commercials he played earlier. He did his bit where he makes up stuff about the candidates again too.
Howard changed the subject and spent a couple of minutes talking about how they seem to have shut Dennis Miller up on Monday Night Football. He gets to ramble nonsense at the start of the game but he's pretty quiet for the rest of the game. Howard played a clip of a recent game where Dennis babbled on and on about stuff that some people just don't care about when they're trying to watch a football game.
Howard also quickly mentioned that they have a Queen for a Day contest coming up soon where the grand prize will be $25,000 courtesy of GoldenPalace.com. Howard said he's not sure if it'll be men or women competing in the game but it'll be sometime soon.
Howard gave out the show phone number and encouraged women who want to meet the producers of porn to call the show because they're giving away a trip to the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards show out in Las Vegas. The woman who gets to go will present the award for Best New Starlet at the show. Just call 1-800-44-STERN to find out more.
Deejay Meg Griffin Visits. 08/18/1989. 9:30am
Howard had Robin read some more news stories. Howard talked about how there's still some guy out there pretending to be Gary from his show and trying to bang chicks out there.
Howard asked Gary if deejay Meg Griffin was there because he wanted to play her some tape. Meg came in a short time later. Howard told her that she seems to be much less uptight and much softer. He also said he liked the red that she put in her hair. She said she was trying to get it back to her natural color which was more like Howard's color.
Howard told Meg she seems much sexier and she was more of a woman than she was in the past. He told her she should start to grow her nails out. He said she was kind of flipping out when she saw his wife and her friends stop in a few weeks before. She doesn't get all dressed up like they were.
Howard eventually scared Meg off and she was about to walk out on him. He told her how hot he thought she was. He said he would have loved to have had a girl that cute when he was in high school. Meg said that Howard was much different when they first met and worked together at another radio station (WRNW). Howard said Meg got mad at him after she left that station and he stuck around.
Howard wanted to know what attracted Meg to her man. She said they just hit it off and things worked out for them. Howard told her to relax because she was kind of getting upset with the line of questioning. Howard spent a few more minutes with Meg before wrapping up the show.
In the clip we heard Howard talking about how he and Meg Griffin have fought over the years. He said she doesn't work this time slot anymore though so he doesn't get to talk to her. Howard asked her to come in but Tom Chiusano was doing something that pissed him off. Howard said Tom just stands there talking to her while he knows he's waiting for her. Meg said they were talking about their kids.
Tom came in so Howard went off on him telling him to use his brains for once. He told him to get out. Howard said they can find out about his kids later. Meg said she's the one who started the discussion with Tom. Howard said that's all you can talk to him about since he knows nothing about radio.
Howard said Meg has quite the little body under that jacket she's wearing. Howard said he's known her for over 20 years and he had no idea she had such a great body. Howard said he had never seen her body before. Meg said she saw his naked ass in the newspaper with the Fartman thing. Howard said he likes her hair. He said he likes the color and all of that.
Howard asked Meg about her boyfriend and found out that she had broken up with that guy. Howard said he knew he was wrong for her. Meg said that's not right. Howard and Meg talked about working out for a short time.
Howard told Meg that he'd like her in more rock and roll clothes. He said she's got to show off that body. He said he wants her to show off that chest. Meg told him to stop. Howard said she has a C-cup and he had no idea. He said she's so feminine and if she'd just let it go...
Howard asked Meg if she's 40 yet. She said she turns 40 in September. Howard said she might have 3 years left of looking good. He said she has to get married or something. Howard asked if she has a boyfriend. She didn't. Howard said he'd give her a spin. He asked if she has cellulite on her thighs. Meg said she doesn't really have any.
Howard said he can't believe this is the first time he's seeing Meg's body. He said she looks so great and he had no idea. Howard asked if she has implants. Meg said she doesn't. Howard said she looks fabulous. He said she has to grow that hair out though.
Howard was going to wrap up with Meg and let her do her thing. Howard and Meg talked about the Garry Shandling show that he's going to be appearing on. Howard said he doesn't know when it's going to air. Howard said they didn't tell him what his motivation was that day. He said he really had to get out of there. Howard told Meg it was good to see her and he wishes that Pete would come in and talk to them like she does. Howard said if she did work at that time they'd get under her skin eventually.
In the clip Howard was getting ready to play the song ''Supreme Court Stud'' which was about Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas. Fred played Clarence and Billy West was the voice of Anita Hill. The song was to the tune of Robert Palmer's ''Addicted to Love.''
After the song Howard said they work while their competition is doing TV shows that get no ratings. Howard wondered what they do when they hear a song like that. In the past they'd just copy it and use their own voices. Howard said now Mark and Brian are home wondering what to do.
Howard took a call from a woman who said it was the best bit ever. Howard thanker her for the call and said the other DJs should just go home to bed.
Goofing On A Dumbass From Memphis. 8/16/99. 8:45am
A female listener from Memphis, TN called in with a dopey question about the movie ''The Blair Witch Project.'' Howard noticed that she was kind of gullible and decided to goof on her. He proceeded to tell the 20 year old that he knows that ''The Blair Witch Project'' is not really a fake documentary. He told her that he knows the guy who actually found the footage and that they even have footage of the Blair Witch but the government wouldn't allow them to include it in the movie because it might cause mass hysteria. The woman believed every word Howard said. Howard then decided to sell her a bridge. Howard told the woman that he's in a program where he receives money by owning a piece of the Brooklyn Bridge. He said that he pays a certain amount each month and gets back about 3 times as much as he puts in from the toll money collected. He then told her that she could get in on it by sending in $300 a month. Then, after sending the $300, she'd get $1500 in return. He asked her if she'd be interested and she went for it. Howard told her that he'd put her on hold and give her the information. Then Howard remembered that he just needed to give her a phone number... Jackie's 922-WINE joke line. The woman got a piece of paper and pen and took down the 516-922-9463 phone number. Howard then told her that a bridge is going to be built between New York and Virginia and she could get in on that deal also. At one point she did ask Howard if he was pulling her leg. Howard told her he wasn't and she believed him. She's probably kicking herself now. Howard said it's so easy to make money in this country and he just proved that point.
Will Rhonda Win Ben Stern's Money? 08/22/05. 8:35am
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked to talk to Howard's father during the next segment. Howard told her that he'd let her talk to him after the game. She was also saying that High Pitch Eric isn't that bad of a guy.
Howard moved on to bring in his father Ben who was there to play a game with a fan who was there to try and win $5,000. Artie introduced himself to Ben and Howard pointed out Benjy who was sitting back there with him as well. Howard played some of the old audio of his father talking about the ''green type of tube'' when he was working at a radio station when Howard was a kid. He actually worked at the same station Howard works at but it was called something different back then. It was called WHOM back then. Howard had Ben say hello to the rest of the crew and then said that Ben would be playing for a fan who was there. He had to answer questions about his son and if he won, the woman would win the five grand.
Howard introduced Rhonda who was there to play the game. He read that she was raised her grandparents because her mother was in prison for passing bad checks. She also went to prison for hiding a dead body, which was her husband at the time, who was killed by her 18 year old boyfriend. Rhonda was trying to tell the story but she was so nervous that she was having trouble remembering the story. She said something about the boyfriend beating the husband over the head with a baseball bat. The guy and Rhonda's mother wrapped the body up and brought it to the parking lot of a Burger King. Howard read that Rhonda was beaten up by a family member and her family life was just horrible. Right now she's broke and needs the money to play back her daughter's college fund because she's been borrowing from that.
Howard told his father that he was under a lot of pressure to win this game. He had two ways to play the game, one was a little easier because he was going to have Rhonda guess if Ben was going to be able to answer correctly or not. The other way was to ask Ben 10 questions and he'd have to answer a certain number correctly. Ben thought it would be best if she guessed at how he was going to answer. Howard gave Ben a test question about what year Howard graduated high school. Ben said that it was in 1971 but Howard said it was actually 1972. Ben thought about it and Howard turned out to be correct when he said it was 1972. Howard asked his father another question and asked him to name one teacher he had in school. Ben didn't know any names. That was another test question so Rhonda didn't win or lose a point on that one.
Howard got to the real game and asked his father the questions. There were 9 left and Rhonda had to match 5 of the 9. Here are some of the questions and the outcome...
Sal the Stockbroker came in and told Ben that it was an honor to have Ben there because he's got magical sperm. He had a song parody about it but Howard told him to get out after playing about 2 seconds of the song. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Howard's parents how great their son is and then asked Ben what subject in school he demanded Howard take to make sure he had a career. Ben remembered having Howard do some work on stage but Mariann said the actual class was Typing because anyone could get a job if they knew how to type. Ben also suggested that Howard take piano lessons but the teacher ended up committing suicide.
Howard brought up his father's penis size and asked his mother if she compared his to his father's. She jokingly said they compared them every day. Howard told Rhonda about her win again and said that the prize money was courtesy of ''Ultimate Fighter 2'' which airs on SpikeTV at 11:05pm tonight. Rhonda said that her father wouldn't have known any answers about her and Robin laughed her ass off because Ben only knew two questions more than Rhonda's father would have. Howard let Rhonda go after that and spent a couple more minutes with his parents. He asked Ben what he had on his note paper. Ben said he had some of Howard's childhood friend's names on the paper but that was about it. Howard wondered if he asked the same questions he asked earlier if he would remember what the answers were. He asked Ben what Debra's middle name was. Ben had to think about it but he did remember that it was Jennifer.
Ben said he was watching the movie ''Coming to America'' and there's a scene where Don Amici and Ralph Bellamy are playing bums on the street. He was asking the guys if they knew why they were in that movie. Everyone knew that they were in Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and that's why they were in the movie. Howard asked his father some questions like ''Who's the current Secretary of State'' and he knows answers like that. He just doesn't know anything about his son. Howard wasn't sure how old his father was and found out that he's 82. His mother is 77. Howard said they look great and both still have all of their marbles. They claim that they're still sexually active. Howard was trying to find out more about their sex life but they didn't have much to say about it. He wondered if his mother would let his dad eat ice cream off of her belly. She said she would probably do that. A woman called in and said that she couldn't get out of her car because this conversation was hilarious. She suggested that Howard put them on SIRIUS and give them their own show over there. Howard said he may just do that this September when his channel goes live over there.
Benjy got up and asked Howard's parents if they have ever been offended by what Howard has said on the air. Howard remembered one time that he said something that he regretted later on and had to apologize for. He said he didn't want to bring up the subject again though. There was another time that Gary's mother called Howard's mother to complain about something that Howard had said about him on the show one day. Gary said he felt like a real tool that time and wanted Howard to go off on him even worse the next day because he didn't want his mother sticking up for him like that.
Ben told Howard that he was afraid that Howard was going to give him the business today so he was going to ask him to give the ''FAO Oath'' when he came in. Howard said the FAO Oath was something he would swear to when he was a kid and his father would bring him to FAO Schwartz. Howard had to swear that he wouldn't ask for more than one thing when they went in there. Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked the parents when they knew Howard was going to be famous. Ben said that when he went to work in Westchester and saw a picture of him in the NY Times a few weeks later. Howard said that was a fluke because there were a bunch of other famous people working there. Howard just happened to be on the air doing a horrible radio show and the journalist wanted a picture of him, not any of the more famous jocks over there. Howard wrapped up with his parents after that. Artie interrupted and asked Ben for his pick in the 5th at Belmont. Ben said that was a very good question but he didn't have an answer. He said that maybe they should head over there after the show. Howard went to break after playing some audio of his father singing ''Never Walk Alone.''
Sheet Music, E-Mail And Comedic Geniuses. 3/25/03. 8:00am
Howard read another e-mail from someone who noticed that Howard is always kissing Steve Martin's ass when he sees him on TV. The person wondered if Howard is working on a project with him or something. Howard said he's just a fan of Steve Martin and thinks he's a comedic genius. Howard said he's not going to be a phony and say he dislikes the guy when he really likes him. Howard went on to talk about himself and what a genius he is. Robin wondered if it's really genius to be funny or if it's genius to be able to split the atom. Howard said being funny can be a genius quality. He said that someone like Larry David is a genius. Jerry Seinfeld is no genius according to Howard. He said Larry David got Seinfeld's show on the air so he's the genius there. Howard and the guys talked about some other comedians and whether or not they're comedic geniuses. Howard said Bill Cosby isn't a genius, Richard Pryor is. Dick Gregory isn't. George Carlin is bright, but not a genius according to Howard. Howard told Artie that he's funny, but not a genius. Adam Sandler isn't a genius either even though Artie thinks that ''Sandman'' is. Howard said Jim Carey isn't a genius either. They went over a bunch of other comedians and comedic actors. They mentioned people like Robin Williams, Woody Allen, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. Howard had to think about Chris Rock for a few seconds and said he's not a genius yet. Sam Kinison was a genius. Bill Hicks was funny, just not a genius. Letterman, nice man, not a genius. Leno? No. Ivan Reitman, not a genius. Brilliant guy according to Howard. Bill Murray is a genius Howard says. John Belushi, no. Dan Aykroyd is closer to being genius than Belushi was according to him. Howard said the real genius is his ex-wife's lawyer. Tom Chiusano is retarded. Robin wondered about the Chris Rock thing. Howard said he's not sure about him. He said he's brilliant and may be a genius. Artie said if Chris Rock only did his 1996 HBO special, he'd say he's genius. Howard said he does some really bad stuff once in a while so he's not a genius. John asked Howard if Gilbert Gottfried is a genius. Howard said he's really not one. Albert Brooks, no. Spielberg is a genius. Howard wondered if they were done by then. Artie threw in Mel Brooks. Howard said no to that one too. Jackie Gleason, no, Art Carney? No. Don Knotts, no. Robin asked Howard about Carl Reiner. Howard said no to that one too. Monty Python guys? No. Carol Burnett, no. Lucille Ball, Jeff Probst, no, no. Someone asked Howard if anyone on the radio is good. Howard said the person who decided to play top 40 radio was a genius. The guys threw in Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carolla, Sam Simon, Drew Carey, Tim Allen, Ray Romano and others. Howard said no to all of them. He said the word Genius is thrown around too much. Robin asked him if Oprah, who is outside comedy, is a genius. Howard said no to that too. He said she's just a likable person.
Howard said he'd go through some actors who are genius and no genius. He said Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are, Tom Hanks is not. Howard also said that Gene Hackman is a genius, Marlon Brando is not. Robin, John and KC were throwing names at Howard left and right. He said no to most of the names he heard.
Howard took a call from a woman who had a few names for him. He said no to all of her questions. Howard got off the phone and continued to take more questions from Robin and the guys. He said yes to Robert Duvall but everyone else was a ''no.''
Howard kept saying he was done but Robin and the guys had even more names for him. He said there are no female comedians or actors that he would call genius. Vinnie Favale called in and started mentioning names of musicians like Elvis and people like that. Howard said no to them but said that The Beatles and Neil Young are geniuses. Howard called Paul Simon a genius but Led Zeppelin was not. Metallica, yes. Eddie Van Halen, yes, but only from years ago. Andy Kauffman was a genius according to Howard. He said that Jim Carey did not honor him in that movie he did. He said Jimi Hendrix was a genius but Frank Zappa was not. He also said that Stevie Wonder was a genius. Ray Charles, Michael Jackson, Little Richard, not geniuses. Scott Einziger? Yes, he was genius for ripping Howard off with ''Are You Hot?'' He and the guys went through a bunch of sports stars as well. Howard also slipped in James Brown as being a genius before it was all over.
In the clip Howard and the crew were on location in Los Angeles doing a show when Howard saw Los Lobos. He called them over to do the show. The guys, Cesar and David, came over. Howard asked the guys if they wanted to perform for them. The guys asked if they had the right guitars for them. Howard said they have anything they want.
Howard asked if the guys are married. They said they're not married to each other. Howard asked if they are married men. Howard said he's not asking if they're gay. They said they are married. Howard said they aren't Los Homos, they're Los Lobos.
Howard asked if they married Spanish or white women. They went silent. Howard asked if they couldn't remember. Cesar said they can't talk about that because their wives are listening. Howard asked if his wife is Hispanic or not. Cesar said she is. So did David.
Howard told the guys that he knew a guy who had a woman put her tongue where he'd never had one before. The woman was Spanish. Howard said the guy's parents wanted him to dump her and marry a Jewish girl. Howard said he actually dumped her and went with the Jewish chick. Howard said he has the feeling that all Spanish girls are wild in bed. He asked if that's true. Howard said he's never had one himself. Cesar and David weren't talking.
Howard said they really are uptight. Cesar said they are uptight. Howard said that little beard he has reminds him of a girl he had once.
Howard asked the guys if they can play something for them. Cesar asked if they had a left handed guitar. Howard said they'll find one. Howard asked if they eat a lot of hot sauce. Cesar said he got an ulcer watching his show so he can't.
Howard asked the guys to play some La Bamba. They started to play a little bit of it but then stopped. Howard said they're nice Spanish guys who don't scare him. He asked if they were ever in a gang. Cesar told him he'd better watch it now that he's in Los Angeles. Howard asked if David was in a gang. David said he has to be careful being in L.A. now.
Howard asked the guys to do some La Bamba but Cesar said he hates that song. Howard asked if he's just sick of performing it. The guys went into ''Don't Worry Baby'' instead. Howard made up his own lyrics and sang those while the guys played guitar.
Howard told the guys they did a nice job. Howard said he thinks he did a good job singing. He started to sing again and the guys backed him up. Howard only lasted a few more seconds.
Howard said it's always good to see the guys from Los Lobos. He asked about being up for a Grammy and said he hopes they win. Howard said he'd like to see their friends win. Howard asked who they're up against. They were up against U2 and Red Hot Chili Peppers. They wrapped up and ended the interview a short time later.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:45am.
In the clip Howard said he hadn't spoken to Richard in 2 years and John finally got an interview with him (At the Fashion Cafe). Howard talked to John about how Richard was looking and found out he was kind of fat. John told Howard that Richard was telling people not to eat the French fries at this place. Howard said Richard has been eating them himself. Howard showed Robin a picture of Richard with a double chin. Jackie said he looks like Delta Burke.
Stuttering John told Howard that he got an interview with Richard and he was in disguise so Richard wouldn't recognize him. Howard played the audio from that interview where John was disguising his voice. He asked Richard why Liberace hid his sexuality for so many years. Richard said he didn't know he did. John told Richard it was him and Richard said he knew that. Richard was talking about how good John looked and how different he looked in the disguise. Richard was asking John about his girlfriend and stuff like that to avoid answering any questions. John asked Richard to say something to Howard but Richard couldn't do it. He said he loves John and he just can't talk about Howard because it was too painful. Richard said he remembers the fun they had and he misses that. Richard said Howard hasn't called him in 2 and a half years. Howard said no one is calling Richard. He was a guest on the show, not a close friend. Richard was saying that it wasn't him. Richard actually helped name Howard's daughter Ashley. He's never been allowed to see that baby. Howard said it's like he's the mother of the baby and he took it away from him. Howard said Richard has no right to see the baby. He just helped name it.
Howard played more of the interview and goofed on Richard's Deal-A-Meal cards and the way the guy really eats. Howard said Richard is constantly eating and claiming that the stuff he eats is on his cards so it's okay to eat. Howard said Richard is almost fat again now. He played more of Richard and John's discussion and goofed on Richard some more.
Howard talked about the guy they had on the show who claimed he was hired by Richard to spank him. He played the clip of the guy saying ''Daddy's girl's been a bad girl.'' Howard said someone had to have said that line at some point. Howard said he respects that Richard has a sex life even if it is a bizarre one.
Stuttering John asked Richard one more question about why fat people smell so bad and Richard said they could kick him out now. John asked if he had bigger bowel movements when he was fatter and Richard said he knew he had to watch him. Richard said all Howard had to do was pick up the phone and call him and they'd get over this whole thing. John kept hugging Richard so Robin asked what was up with that. John said he was trying to get more questions in. Howard said he's not going to call Richard to make up with him. He told John the interview was funny.
Howard's Karaoke And Other Various Things. 02/24/04. 6:55am
After the break Howard played a bit they put together with a phony Jay Leno introducing their new announcer Baba Booey. Howard then moved on to some other tapes he had around. He had tape from his Valentine's day party where he was singing Karaoke with Beth. He said the DJ didn't record everyone like he'd hoped he would. Howard said that he doesn't even remember singing that night because he was so drunk. Howard said the DJ didn't even record his whole session, he picked up in the middle of it for some reason.
Howard played the tape and both Howard and Beth were singing horribly. Howard said he thought it was cute. Howard was completely plastered during the performance. They actually started the same song (They Long to be (Close to You)) for a second time and sang it again. Howard was cursing a bit and singing some of Beth's parts. Howard and Beth left halfway through the song and as Howard was getting off the stage he said he had to go because he had to pee. For some reason they continued to sing though. Howard said he's never been so loose musically. He said he had no idea that it happened at all because he was so drunk.
Howard said he had about 20 vodkas in him at that point. He took some phone calls after that and a guy asked how the fans could get to see stuff like this. Howard told the guy that the Vegas shows are open to the public. Those are taking place on May 11th, 12th and 13th.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a new step-sister who's like 31 years old and pretty hot. He said that he's gotten to know her lately and they eventually fooled around with each other. He said they eventually had sex and the guy said that one of the times he didn't use protection. He said that he's afraid that he knocked her up. Howard told him that she could just get an abortion. The guy said that she's against abortion. Howard said that they're not blood related but it would be embarrassing for the step-sister to admit that she'd slept with him. He put the guy on hold and said he wants to talk to the chick tomorrow.
Artie's Happy Ending Massage. 08/17/06. 11:05am
During Robin's news Artie told a story about going to a massage parlor where he got a happy ending. Howard wanted to hear all of the details so Artie went through the whole process of paying for the massage and going into the room, in his shirt and socks, and getting the massage.
Artie said the chick put on some music that sounded kind of like that shit JD likes to listen to. He said it was kind of nuts. He had to ask her to turn the lights up more than they were. He said he likes to see the girl in the light when he's banging them so he had her do that. She ended up giving him a massage and she was horrible at that. He had his shirt on the whole time so she had to go over the shirt.
Artie said that a minute into that he just turned over and asked her to work on the front. She proceeded to roll up his shirt and started to massage his inner thigh. He said she had a nice tight ass so he was looking at that and coming up with scenarios. He did all of this after shooting a day on the set of ''Dirty Work'' so his underwear were all crumpled up. He said he eventually got aroused while she was rubbing his inner thigh.
After he got hard the woman leaned on top of him and asked him if he wanted her to finish him off. She made sure he was happy and then started to give him a hand job. She did it over the underwear for a short time, then she pulled them down to his knees. She rubbed her hands together and then grabbed his dick and off she went. He said she was really good at her job and did some hand moves on him that turned him on. He shot a load and got a little on her blue shirt. He said it didn't take long and when he was done she said ''Ahhhhh!''
Artie said after he was done he didn't think the whole thing was really worth it. She handed him a towel and he wiped himself down and gave her a $20 tip, put his jacket on and left. Gary came in and gave Howard a still from Dirty Work to show him how he looked back then.
Shuli came in and told a quick story about his own massage. He was sent to the back room of this place and had a woman who was huge, like a linebacker. She was going to walk on his back and ended up breaking one of his ribs. Shuli said he couldn't breathe after the rib crack so he didn't stick around for a happy ending. Howard said he was sorry for that story and he was sorry that Shuli even brought it in for them. Robin got back to her news once again after that.
Steven The Booger Eating Guy. 3/18/97. 7:00am
That's right, today's show was the most disgusting thing I've ever heard on the air.. more disgusting that Marshmallow Mike eating a marshmallow out of Jackie's ass! This guy called in yesterday and said that he'd eat a booger out of Howard's nose if Howard played a song off of his album. Much to my surprise the guy actually showed up to do this. His name is Steven and he's 21. He was just the producer of the record, he's not even a band member! Howard had been saving up since yesterday for this event. He hadn't blown his nose since yesterday. The plan was to get a booger on to a fork or a spoon and then give it to the guy to eat without any water to wash it down... I'm dry heaving just writing about it... Jackie was heaving while all of this was going on also. Howard somehow blew his snot onto his hand.. gag.. and got it onto a spoon. Steven took it and tried to put it up to his mouth. He backed away a couple of times but eventually ate it! Everyone went nuts. Jackie could be heard gagging in the background. The E! cameras caught all of the action so they showed it on instant replay a few seconds later. Howard got to see it from a different angle this time. He went nuts again. So the guy did what he said he'd do so Howard took a break. When they came back they played the guy's song. It sounded kind of like a Beatles song or something. It wasn't great but it wasn't horrible either. The name of the band is Dynamo Hum and the album is available from Tower Records in Boston. It's on Retard Records.
More Booger Eating And Spit Drinking! 3/18/97. 7:50am
Like the first guy wasn't enough. This band ''Internal Neurotic Universe'' heard Steven on the air and thought they could do one better. They came to the studio and said that they'd eat Howard's booger and drink Jackie's spit! So Howard figured he'd let them do it. The guys came in dressed like Devo. Someone came in and said that the guys had been spitting in each others mouths out in the green room while waiting to come into the studio. Right there you know they'll do anything. So Jackie hocked up something for them to drink... I'm getting sick again... Howard pulled out another booger and down it went. One of the guys ate the booger and drank the little bit o' spit that Jackie hocked up. Howard had to keep his end of the bargain by playing one of their songs also. This time the song was a little better. These guys actually sounded pretty damn good. Howard didn't like the name of the band so when he saw the words ''Bigger Than Plastic'' on the CD he told them to make that their name. This record is available through The Wall record stores on the east coast. The name of the song that Howard played was ''Stalker''. I have to stop thinking about this story or I'll vomit...
Bits, News, Complaints And More. 03/21/06. 7:15am
Howard said that Crazy Alice has been calling in quite a bit and they can't get her to come in live. He said that she really hates Artie for some reason and she also hates Robin. Gary wants her to leave her phone number so they can call her back. Howard played her latest voice mail messages and she went off on Artie saying that he's not funny. She also went off on Robin a bit. Alice left a couple of other messages and she got all revved up about Artie again when she heard him say something about Dice Clay. Artie didn't think he had said anything about him so he wasn't sure what she was talking about. In the third message Alice was going off on Robin once again calling her names. Then she went off on Artie again.
Robin thinks that Alice is listening to the same show over and over again and she gets all pissed off when she hears the same thing. Howard had to take a break after that but he mentioned they have Beetlejuice coming in later on. The guys talked about how he didn't curse the last time he was on the show. Levy, who works with him once in a while, said that if you give him a beer he should be fine.
Howard said that they tried to get Beetlejuice to sing his Beetlejuice Song but he doesn't remember doing that so he can't repeat it. He played a clip of Richard trying to get him to sing the song but Beet is very hard to work with. Richard was feeding all of the lines to Beetlejuice but nothing was working. Howard thinks that they'll never have that song again since Beet can't repeat it. Gary said that he was out in the hall with Beet and he was drinking a cup of coffee and acting very normal this morning. He was kind of worried about that. Howard went to break a short time after that.
Someone Wants To Hang Out With Crazy Alice? 04/25/06. 6:20am
A caller asked Howard if anyone is in contact with Crazy Alice because he wants to hang out with her and party. Howard was surprised to hear that someone would want to hang out with her after hearing the messages that she's left for them lately. That led to Artie doing an impression of her for a minute and goofing on the messages that she's left. Gary said that she's left some new ones that Howard hasn't listened to yet so Howard played those a short time later.
In the first Crazy Alice message, she goes off on Jessica Hahn for some strange reason. In the second one she goes off on Robin and calls her some names telling Sal not to bother with her party. She mentioned a lot of little details about the show that not everyone would know. Gary said that you'd have to listen to every minute of the show to know what she was talking about. The guys like the way she goes from being really mean to being really nice. She flip flops back and forth from hating someone on the show to loving someone else. Artie said he had an uncle that was like that going from hateful to concerned in a split second.
This Week's Football Pool Picks. 09/21/06. 6:35am
Howard moved on to this weeks Football Pool picks. He gave a rundown of where everyone is at right now. They have Crazy Alice, Big Foot Mark and Elegant Elliot Offen playing against Artie. Howard got Crazy Alice on the phone and she immediately started to complain about being called Crazy. She said she's not crazy, she's angry. She was also going off on Artie that 'fat fuck' since he's given her such a hard time. Artie started to get her all pissed off again by calling her some names. The two of them started cursing each other out as they do every time she calls in.
Artie was yelling at her on purpose to piss her off but her anger was real. Howard tried to talk to Alice about why he thinks she's so angry but after Artie made a comment about her, she went off on him again. She told Artie to get out of Jackie's chair and asked for Jackie to return. She went off on him about the movies that he's made and how he can't make a good one.
Howard reminded Alice that she's in first place right now in this football pool. She's 2-0 right now and no one else has two wins so far. Alice ended up going off on Artie again about his movie and how she would never pay to see anything he's in. She said she hates him that much. Howard told her it's time for her to make her picks but she and Artie were still going back and forth cursing each other out. Alice ended up yelling at Artie that she hates him but Artie was taking it all and making things worse by making comments to her.
Howard told Alice to take it easy on Artie but that made her even worse and she went into this Exorcist-like voice where she told him to go to hell. She said she really hates him and she's never hated anyone like that in her life. She was still in that evil sounding voice and said she wants to chop him up into 400 pieces. She said she even hates Artie's fans.
Howard asked Alice for her picks and she said she likes the Broncos. Gary said something to her and she thought it was still Artie talking so she went off on him. Artie told her that it might be the shittiest pick she could make. She said she knows nothing about football and she's just guessing. She went into that voice of her's again and went off on Artie a little more. She even went off on Howard a little bit. Then she went into this sweet voice and told Robin to be careful when she races Bubba. She doesn't want her to get hurt.
Howard let Alice go and asked her if she had any fun plans this weekend. She said she went and saw the World Trade Center movie recently. Artie told her to go die tomorrow which got her going off on him once again. Artie kept winding her up by making comments about her. She was cursing him out and eventually say ''Bye bye'' to Howard and hung up.
Pope John Paul Gottfried Calls In. 3/15/00. 8:45am
Howard took a call from the Pope this morning. The Pope was calling in to apologize to the Jews for the way they were treated back in World War II. ''The Pope'' sounded very familiar when he called in.. like Gilbert Gottfried doing his Vampire character. He and Howard went through a whole bit. Pope said that he was going to call each Jew in New York individually and that there were 10 full pages of Cohen's in the phone book. He started to give an apology but it was actually Jackie's infamous apology to his wife for the Jessica Hahn bathtub incident. Pope realized his mistake and went on to read the correct apology which started off ''Hello money lenders...'' Gilbert.. I mean Pope continued on saying that the Jews have great taste. He continued on talking about all of the art work and gold teeth that were taken from them in the Holocaust. He said that he's got the gold teeth in his basement and they will carry the Catholic church on into the next millennium. He also apologized to the ''fanny farmers'' and ''bone fairies'' that were killed in the Holocaust. He said ''If you only could have hidden your femininity.. like Catholic priests do..'' they would have been spared. Pope said that he apologizes to all but one of the Jews. He left out Mark Harris for some reason.
After the call a couple of listeners called in and said that was the worst Pope impersonation they've ever heard. One guy said it sounded like Gilbert Gottfried doing his vampire impression.. duh! Howard then plugged a couple of Gilbert's upcoming comedy club appearances. He'll be at Rascals by the shore on April 12. He'll also be on Hollywood Squares in the near future.
In the clip Howard was in the middle of an F-Emmy award show and talking about the next category. He wasn't able to find what he needed though. It was ''Best Pat Cooper Moment.'' Howard listened to some of the moments that were up for an award.
After listening to the clips Howard said he really misses Pat. He said his father does too. Howard opened the envelope and told Robin which one he won for. Howard said Pat was actually on the phone to accept the award.
Howard picked up on Pat and Pat said he has changed his ways. Howard asked what happened. Pat said he was thrilled when he got the call from Gary. Howard said as long as he was mad at him he never bad mouthed him. Pat said he was never mad. He said that there were other things going on and he didn't like those things. He said all he wanted to do was get on and do good radio. He said he wanted to be a friend of the show but Howard didn't want to be his friend. Pat said things that hurt were when Howard thought he had put him down when it was Pat Paulson who put him down.
Robin said she tried to make things right and invited him to Howard's birthday show. Pat said she never called. Gary did though. Robin said that she asked Gary if she should talk to Pat and Gary said no. She was hoping to take care of things the day of the show. Pat said Gary called, not Robin. Robin said she doesn't call any of the guests. She said Gary does that. Pat and Robin went back and forth about that for a short time.
Howard and Pat got into it a little bit too. Howard said they don't know where Pat draws his line. He said they don't know when something was don that might upset him. Howard said he tried calling Pat and Pat would get crazy. Pat said he had a nervous breakdown. Howard asked why. Pat said he wasn't proud of himself.
Howard said the thing that hurt him was when he went on Imus' show. Howard said he never would have had him on if he hadn't been on his show first. Pat said that Imus never called him, he said his agent called Imus and asked if he wanted to have him on. Pat said he can do any show he wants. He didn't bad mouth Howard. Howard said there are only 3 people listening to his show. Pat said he just wanted to go on and do his thing. He doesn't care if it's only 3 people listening.
Pat and Howard went back and forth talking about their issues. Howard said he thinks if you have something good going on you play with it.
Howard asked if they are back together or not. Pat said he's the same guy he was. Howard asked if he wanted to come in tomorrow. Pat didn't say yes or no. He said Gary called and asked him to come on the show and he wanted to come on to accept his award. Pat said the door is open now. Howard said it is open and they can forget about all of this stuff.
Howard asked if they should bring in the guys who accused him of saying stuff about him. Pat didn't sound too happy about that. Howard said he can wait a few days if he wants to wait a few days.
Howard said he was always there for him. Pat said he was there for Howard. Fred asked why he had to insult him. Pat apologized to him. Howard said everyone is afraid of Fred.
Howard congratulated Pat on his win and said if he can't handle coming in he doesn't have to. Pat said he can handle it. He said he will probably come in tomorrow.
Howard tried to set Pat up for the show. He had Gary come in and give a time. Gary said tomorrow they have a free day. Howard said he wants him in at 8:30 so Pat agreed to come in. Howard said that they should bring down the guys that accused him. Howard said he was just kidding though. Howard said it should be great radio tomorrow.
Billy West did his impression of Pat for a minute. Howard said Pat will be there during A+ time. Robin said she never thought they'd see him in there again. Howard said he's glad to see he'll be back.
The Gossip Game With Guest Playmate Linn Thomas. 3/29/02. 8:20am
Playboy Playmate Linn Thomas came in to play the Gossip Game this morning. Howard also had Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer the Woody Allen sound-alike) come in to hit on Linn again. The last time she was on Wood Yi came on strong to the beautiful Asian model so he wanted to do that again. Howard spent a short time talking to Linn about her latest Penthouse magazine shoot and stuff like that. She said over at Penthouse they're now over the urination shots so she's not doing that.
Howard had Wood Yi talk a little bit to Linn so he could try to pick her up. He had some great lines like:
Howard eventually got around to the Gossip Game and got Mike Walker on the phone. Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
In this clip Howard took a call from a guy who was upset with Howard's use of the N-word. Howard played him the DMX song ''My Niggas'' and then the parody he and the guys did called ''My Radio Niggas.'' Howard sang the song with Jackie and Fred backing him up on the song.
Howard said the caller has to love it. The caller said he doesn't like it because all they say is the N-word over and over. Howard said he's writing a sequel because DMX wrote another one called ''I Love My Niggas but Where's My Bitches.'' He played some of that for the caller. Howard wrapped up a short time later and wished the caller a Happy Black History Month.
Tyra Banks Phobia Audio Clips. 04/24/06. 9:05am
After the break, which went a little long while a Neil Young song played, Howard came back and let out a big belch. He said that Richard Christy said that he would bite the head off a fish if he gave him $100. He said they're going to do that in a little while.
Jeff the Drunk left a message for Gary where he complained about Artie's comments about his mother. He demanded that Artie not mention her on the show again because she's in the hospital and he doesn't need that crap. He also said that he didn't want that played on the air but they did call and ask him if they could play it and he gave them the okay.
Howard brought up the Tyra Banks show and how great it is with the whacked out stories they do on there. They once did a show where Tyra talked about being afraid of Dolphins. Today Howard had a clip where Tyra helps a woman out with her fear of garden gnomes. He played that clip where the woman talked about her fear of the garden gnomes that is so bad that she's afraid that they're going to crawl out of the TV and get her. She said she's been teased about it for a long time so Howard wondered how anyone would even know about it. The woman talks about how she shakes and cries when she sees the gnomes. Her family has taken gnomes and put them in her shower and chased her around with them.
Howard said that if they took some money and put it in a fish, High Pitch Eric would get over his fear of fish and take that money right out of there. Gary said that Eric was already gone but they were going to try and find him. Meanwhile, Howard played another clip from Tyra's show where a woman spoke of her fear of ovens. She was saying that she stays away from the ovens as much as possible. She said she's not sure why she's afraid of them but there was a TV show when she was a kid where she watched a Nickelodeon show where some kids were attacked by an oven.
Adult Film Actress Riley Steele Visits, Tracy Morgan Drops In. 02/25/10. 7:40am
Howard played a clip from one of her movies, Bad Girls 2, where she's gagging and then getting banged. Howard asked if she like dirty talk. She said she does. Howard said he had another clip from the movie ''Honey'' where this guy is calling her a whore. Riley said she was playing a whore in the movie and that's why he was calling her a whore. In the clip the guy was telling her to suck his balls and she was gagging on him.
Riley said that she didn't even know what that guy was going to do to her. She said it turned out to be kind of fun.
Howard said Tracy Morgan was there and he wanted to meet her. Howard asked if that was okay. Riley said that was fine. Tracy came into the studio and said hello to Riley. Howard told him to take it easy on her. He must have been a little rough on her.
Howard asked Tracy if he was hitting on her. Tracy said he was. Howard asked if she was the hottest porn star he had ever seen. Tracy said she was. Tracy was going crazy over her. He told her that was some awesome stuff. Tracy said that her toes looked like skittles too. Tracy said he loves to check out everything in porn movies.
Howard said that Riley's movies are very high quality. Howard asked if she's ever had sex with a black man. She said she hadn't. Howard asked Tracy if the black man is good at sex. Tracy said he can't speak for all black men. Howard said that some of the porn girls are threatened when they have sex with black men. Riley said that's true and people want to kill you if you do have sex with a black man. Howard said that it's a sad state of affairs when that is still going on.
Tracy said that no one ever goes off on black women for having sex with white guys. He said that's where Tiger Woods went wrong. He didn't have any black women that he was banging.
Howard told Tracy about some of the stuff that Riley was talking about and Tracy was going nuts over her. He said that she would probably break him. He said that she'd have him open like a research monkey.
Tracy was saying that he would even eat her butthole. He said he wants her to spit on his dick like she hates it and maybe write some racial epithets on it.
Howard said that he would love it if a woman would lick his asshole. Tracy said he gets that all the time. He said he gets his salad tossed all the time. Howard said he would feel bad if his woman had to do that to him. Howard asked how she does that kind of thing. Riley said that a guy can be on his back with his legs over his head. Tracy did an impression of what a guy sounds like when he's getting his ass licked.
Howard said he must be a little uptight. Howard said that Tracy has to get on her web site. Tracy said he likes women who are like 200 pounds with a C-section scar on them. He said he doesn't discriminate.
Howard asked Riley about a piece of jewelry that fell off of her. It was a vibrating necklace. She demonstrated it on Tracy. Howard asked how it's used. She said that you take it and put it right on there. Tracy was trying to see what was going on there. Riley didn't have any panties on so Tracy was trying to get a look.
Howard said it was great to meet Riley today. He gave her some more plugs for DigitalPlayground.com and her web site.
Howard said he was reading about Tracy being engaged. Tracy said he did that article a long time ago. He said that was long before he met Riley. Howard said that he seems to be taken with her. Tracy said that he wouldn't be able to keep her because he would be way too jealous. He said she'd have to walk around in the house ass naked all the time. Tracy said that he would hit her where she doody's at. Howard asked if she does anal. Riley said that she likes the pain. Tracy said he would do ass to mouth and more. Riley said that she's never done that. Tracy said he would eat her like a Gyro.
Howard gave Riley some more plugs and started to wrap up with her a short time later. Howard said that it was a great day to have someone so beautiful there. Gary said that he wanted to get her on the Sybian and give the controls over to Tracy.
Howard told Tracy about the Sybian and Tracy was saying that he might have to cum too. He said he might have to pull his meat out.
The guys set up the Sybian and Gary showed him how to control it. Howard told Riley to be honest while she's on it and be very vocal about it. Howard said that Riley might need it at 50 percent to start out. Tracy was confused by the equipment. He said he's never had anything like that.
Howard told Tracy to jack it up slow and not just bring it up to 100 percent. Gary showed Tracy what to do and they started her out with the vibration. Tracy was fine with the controls. Riley was at about 25 percent and she was already getting off. Howard had them bring it up to 50 percent. Tracy jacked it up some more and she was getting into it more and more. She was moaning the whole time she was on it. Riley was done about a minute into it.
Howard gave Riley some more plugs and wrapped up with her. Tracy asked if he could keep the piece from the Sybian that she had sat on. Howard asked Riley if that was okay. Riley was fine with it. Howard asked Tracy where he's going to keep that. He said he's going to put that next to his Muhammad Ali gloves in his house. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Tracy Morgan Visits. 02/25/10. 8:30am
After the break Howard came right back with Tracy Morgan. Howard said that this new movie is very big for him. He's in a movie with Bruce Willis and it might be the start of a big movie career. Tracy said he's not going to call it because he doesn't want to ruin it.
Howard said Tracy can stick with 30 Rock but he can start to do films like Belushi and Aykroyd. Howard asked Tracy how all of this came about. Tracy said they won a Golden Globe a couple of years ago and that was the room to do it in. Howard asked what he said. Tracy didn't remember. Tracy said he gave the speech and the whole room lit up. He said that Al Pacino and Clint Eastwood were there and they were cracking up. Tracy said that a lot of people at Warner Brothers saw it and that made them aware of him.
Howard said that Tracy has everything under control now and he's even talking to his mom. Tracy said he and his mother had their differences but they're talking now. Howard asked if he has the feeling that she's just talking to him because he's a big star now. Tracy said that she's going to love him unconditionally. Howard asked why they stopped talking then. Tracy said when he was a kid he needed a daddy to keep him under control. He said he dealt drugs but he wasn't a drug dealer. He said he didn't want to make that a career. He couldn't deal with the crack heads. Tracy said he didn't like the job and he was afraid he was going to get killed.
Tracy said that it took for his friend Alan to get murdered for him to get out of that. He said he ended up taking his ass to the Apollo to work out some comedy stuff.
Howard said that SNL didn't seem to know what to do with him. Tracy said that they have to find your voice and figure out how to work that into the show. Howard said he heard that Lorne Michaels went to him saying they didn't just hire him as a token black man, they hired him because he's funny. Tracy said there were people telling him that's why they hired him and he didn't realize it until Lorne told him that.
Howard asked Tracy what he did when Lorne told him that. Tracy said his defence came down and he started to feed on it. Howard said that Tina Fey came along and knew how to write for him. Howard said Tracy fucked up and almost lost that though.
Tracy said that success doesn't come with instructions. Howard told him to look at his friend Artie. Tracy was drinking so heavily that he almost lost his foot. Tracy said he was just partying. He said he had money and fame and thought he was just having fun. Tracy said he didn't know about diabetes. He said he thought it was just like a cough or something.
Howard said that Tracy's wife was with him for 21 years and he must see that as a failure. Tracy said that she was there for him and he doesn't blame her for what happened. Howard said he must love that he's getting pussy now. Tracy said he is not officially engaged like Howard thought he was. Howard asked who this woman is. Tracy told him to fill him in because he seems to know.
Howard said Tracy has a couple of killer snakes in his house. Tracy said he has them locked up so they can't get out but they're not going to attack him as long as he keeps them fed. Howard said he has some sharks too. Tracy said that reminds him about the kind of people who are out there in this world. Tracy said that he was always a shark himself. He said he was never a fighter though. He said he was a lover.
Howard asked Tracy about his brother Jimmy who was in the 5 Percenters. Tracy said he had meningitis when he was younger so he was in a wheelchair. Tracy talked about what a tough guy he was. He said he wasn't a thug or a gangster or anything. Tracy said that he kept the family in check.
Howard said that Tracy likes to stay in his apartment these days. Tracy said that he would go out with Howard. He said he can't hang out in the clubs with people who are into stuff he's not into. Tracy said that he's not going to put himself in the situation where they're going to fuck with him. He said he's done that already and he's done with that.
Howard said that Tracy's foot got infected from the ankle bracelet he had to wear. That's why he almost lost his foot. Tracy said that was the bottom for him. He said that if your ass gets comfortable down there, that's when you get fucked up.
Howard talked about how Tracy's doctor said he had to take care of that diabetes thing or he'd lose his foot. Tracy said he told the doctor he wasn't taking anything from him. He said he wasn't going to give up his foot that easy.
Howard said Tracy has never been in a big blockbuster movie like this ''Cop Out.'' Howard said he must have died and gone to heaven doing this. Howard said they treat you very well on a movie set like that. Tracy said he never even goes to craft services, he just stays in his trailer and has food brought to him.
Howard told Tracy that if this movie makes money he's going to be offered a lot of movie roles. Tracy said he knows what to do. Howard told him that he can see ''Cop Out 2, 3, 4, 5...'' and he should stick with that.
Howard said if the movie makes $40 million he'll get a few scripts. He said if the movie makes 80-100 million then it's a whole new ball game. Howard said if it's $150 million then it's a whole new ball game. Howard told Tracy to stay indoors and be ready for more.
Tracy said that he's having a fun time and he may just go out and do a set at a comedy club. Howard told him to stay inside. He wants him to put his ankle bracelet on this weekend. Tracy said ''Never!'' He said he's never going to do that again.
Tracy said he did a movie before this movie that's coming out in April. He said that one is with Martin Lawrence and Chris Rock. He said that one is going to be huge. He said that one is called ''Death at a Funeral'' and it's a remake of a British movie. He said that one has a bunch of big names in it too.
Howard asked Tracy about this ''Cop Out'' movie and if it's like 48 Hours. Tracy said that it's a privilege to make people laugh in a movie like that. Tracy said he and Bruce Willis had lunch before the movie and 60 days later that was his buddy. He said they had a great time doing the movie.
Tracy said that he's well grounded and anyone at SNL, other than Sheri Oteri or Chris Kattan, would tell him that. Howard said he should have invited those two to the movie premiere. Tracy said he would never do that. Howard asked what Sheri is doing now. Tracy said he's not sure. He said he knows she's not doing a movie with Bruce Willis though.
Tracy said that after the first scene they did on this movie he and Bruce knew it was going to work. Kevin Smith directed the movie so Howard brought up how he was kicked off a flight recently. Howard asked why he was flying coach. Tracy said he'll even do that sometimes. He said if the flight is 45 minutes or an hour he'll fly coach.
Howard said that Kevin Smith has some problem with him but he's not sure what that is. Howard said that the airline kicking him off might be a wake up call from him. Tracy said that Kevin is his friend so he's not saying anything. He said that Kevin is happy at that weight so he's fine with that. Howard asked if he's too fat. Tracy said he wasn't going to get sucked into that. Howard told him he has to help Kevin so he doesn't lose his feet.
Howard asked Tracy if he's hanging out with Bruce. Tracy said that guy works a lot. He said he's making a movie right now. Howard asked if Bruce gave him his cell phone number. Tracy said he does have his number and he has called him. Howard asked what he's spoken to him about. Tracy said he's not going to say what it was about. Howard asked if he had to fuck Bruce to get the movie role. Tracy said that guy is a great guy and he was great to work with.
Howard asked Tracy if he was looking for weed with that phone call. Tracy said he's going to call Howard the District Attorney from now on. He said that he wasn't looking for weed. Howard asked him what he would need to know at 4 in the morning. Tracy said it was something about the script, that's all.
Howard asked Tracy if he's worried about the movie coming out this weekend because of the snow storm that's coming through. Tracy said that could actually help them because people might go out to spend time with the family.
Howard asked Tracy about the movie and Tracy filled him in on the kind of action stuff they're doing in the movie. Tracy told him about the shooting and stuff that goes on. Howard asked if he's ever been shot for real. Tracy said he hasn't but he's seen some shootings.
Howard told Tracy not to go Hollywood like Eddie Murphy did. Tracy said he won't do that. He said that he loves coming on Howard's show and he tells people that when they ask him about being on the show. Howard said that's right and he got to get a girl off on the show today.
Tracy said he did Letterman last Monday. Howard asked if he brought up his scandal. Tracy said he has his own sex scandals and he'd put some shit out there about Robin next week. He said that Robin is so fine. He said she's not pretty or cute, she's fine. Howard told him about the anal sex thing and said that she's moist back there. Tracy said he loves that. He said he loves some discharge. Tracy said that his company is going to be discharge production.
Howard gave Tracy some plugs for the movie ''Cop Out'' which comes out tomorrow. He's also playing Caroline's on Broadway in March. You can get tickets at Carolines.com. Howard suggested you see him before he gets too big.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is the last time Tracy will be on the show. Once he gets big he's done with the show. Tracy said he's not like that.
Howard took a call from Cyrus who said that they ran a special last week with Lisa Lampanelli and she played one of Tracy's appearances. Tracy said that Lisa is his girl.
Howard took another call from Irish John who said he wanted to know who the white woman was that he had sex with at SNL. Tracy said it was Hillary Clinton. Howard said she's the only other woman who can self lubricate from her backside. John said he thinks that it was Kate Hudson that he had at SNL. Tracy said it wasn't her and he's going to reveal who it was in his next book.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that it was great to hear Tracy on the show again. He said that with days like this Howard can't retire. He said he has to keep going.
Jeff the Drunk asked how many women he's had at one time. Tracy said he had 3 women at once back in his drug dealing days. He said he had three girls giving him head at one time. He said there was a lot of spit during that.
Howard said Tracy is one of the good guys and he's pulling for him this weekend. He said he thinks the movie is going to be a big deal for him. He gave him some more plugs and wrapped up with him. Tracy said that he's done doing press so he's just going home to rest after the show today. Howard thanked him for running the Sybian today. He said that they couldn't find anyone to run it so they needed him. Robin said that's the first time they've let someone take an attachment from that thing home with them too. They went to break after that.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:25am.