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Playboy Cyber Club
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who was talking about how awful it was to wake up so early in the morning. They somehow ended up talking about gay stuff so Howard brought the guy into the ''homo room'' with him. Howard asked the guy what he was wearing and who he had in the room with him. He told him to lay on his back and asked if he had ever been with another man. The caller seemed to be getting freaked out by the conversation. Howard said they do this with people once in a while and bring people into the ''Homosexual Room.'' He had Fred open the door to the room and told the guy to lay on his back and pull his shorts down to his ankles. The caller played along with him and kept it going.
Howard put some jumper cables on the guy and had him yelling as he zapped him with that. Fred was playing all of the sound effects to go along with all of this stuff. Howard told the guy to put his t-shirt up around his nipples after that. He said he had to use a cattle prod on him next. He said they might have to get his dog involved in this and have it lick honey off his balls. The caller said the dog just left. Howard said the guy on the phone was a prude. The caller said he was letting him cattle prod him.
Howard had brought the caller out of the Homo Room but he brought him back in to tell him something. He found out the guy's name was Jim and said that he had to act macho once they got out of that room. Howard said he has to go back to that once they get out of there. Then he asked for a kiss. Jackie was making puking sounds when he heard that.
Howard and Jim left the homo room and then Howard started calling him names. He was calling him faggot and stupid queer. He said he had to do that so it sounded like he wasn't really gay when he was out of the homo room.
Crazy Cabbie Finally Meets His Birth Mother. 1/6/03. 7:45am
For the past three years or so, Howard has been trying to find Cabbie's birth parents so they could reunite them. A couple of months ago Gary finally got the leads he needed and tracked down the woman who gave birth to Cabbie. After some thinking the woman finally agreed to come in to meet the son she gave up for adoption some 30 years ago. Today she showed up to meet her son.
Howard had Cabbie and his girlfriend Tara come in first. Cabbie asked to have Tara in with him during this very emotional time. Howard said Tara is a very beautiful woman. Howard sounded like he was ready to interview her instead of Cabbie's mother. He didn't go in that direction though. He spent a couple of minutes talking to Cabbie about his relationship with Tara and all of the tattoos they have. Howard asked Tara how the sex is with Cabbie and she said it was good. Howard wanted to concentrate on Cabbie for a while though so he got back to him. Cabbie told Howard about some of the stuff he's done in his life that he regrets and said that he's been a very mean, angry person. He said that he was a drug addict and that's the way he treated people. He said he's done everything on his own in his life and went on and on about how happy he is now. The guys told Cabbie he was going to find out a lot about this family he doesn't know.
Howard asked Cabbie if he was ready to meet his mother. Cabbie started to break down and thanked Howard for making this happen. Within seconds he was fine and talked about Tara who he says he's going to spend the rest of his life with. Howard joked and told Tara to blink twice if she was being held hostage by Cabbie.
Gary left the room to get cabbie's mother. Howard said her name is Audrey. When she came in they hugged and kissed. Howard said it was very beautiful. Robin said she was getting a little upset when she saw them hugging. Howard said Audrey and Cabbie's profiles were identical. Howard said their noses are very similar. Cabbie sounded very mellow and happy as he looked at his mother's eyes. Howard wanted to move it along a little bit so he moved on to talk to Audrey. He said she was a little suspicious of them when she got the call from Gary. She told Howard when she got the first call from Gary he knew too much. She was a little afraid to come on the show at first. Howard read some of the notes about Audrey's life and how she got pregnant by this guy she wasn't married to. She said the guy was married and she's since lost track of him. She'd had an affair with this guy and got pregnant. She said she knew she wouldn't be able to take care of him because she was going through a divorce at the time so she decided it would be best to give him up for adoption. She said when she gave him up she spoke to him and told him he was going to go to a good home. She didn't name him though. She said they did give him a name at the hospital. That name was Timothy John. Audrey went on to talk about how she met another man who she married and had two more kids with. That guy also has two kids of his own so Cabbie has a bunch of brother's and a sister.
Audrey talked about Cabbie's two brothers and his sister. She wasn't quite sure what her one son in Florida is doing but thinks that he's in plumbing or something. Her daughter works at a hospital in food services. She said they're thrilled to know that they have a brother. Howard said Audrey was holding Cabbie's hand during this whole thing and he thought that was sweet. Cabbie said he'll probably call Audrey ''mom'' if that's okay with her. She said that was great. He also said he might think about changing his last name to hers. He wasn't sure about that though. Cabbie said he was really happy to finally meet his mother and it was great to have her in his life. Audrey said she was also thrilled to see him. She said she's had a hole in her life ever since the adoption and it's finally been filled.
Cabbie wondered how different his life would have been if Audrey had raised him. Howard said he'd probably be a plumber somewhere and he probably wouldn't have all of those tattoos all over himself.
Howard wrapped up the segment and Gary gave a plug to TravelWorm.com for hooking up Audrey and her husband with the trip to New York. He also said they're all going out to lunch together and they'll be treated to that meal. Cabbie thanked Howard and the guys for helping him out with all of this. Howard told him he's happy all of this has worked out. Robin said it's one of the better adoption reunion stories she's heard. She talked about some of the wacky things that happen to some adopted kids and their birth parents. Cabbie thanked a few other people who were very supportive during this whole thing. He also thanked Howard again for everything. Howard said goodbye to Audrey, Tara and Cabbie and finally took another commercial break.
Howard Speaks To Scientific Mapp's Father. 1/15/98. 7:00am
Howard and Robin have been talking about this basketball player who's name is Scientific Mapp. The fact that someone named their child ''Scientific Mapp'' intrigued Howard. Gary got in touch with the kid's father and Howard spoke to him this morning. The father's name is Edward Mapp. He told Howard that he had problems with his name when he was a child and didn't like it. He didn't really have a good reason for naming his kid Scientific though. He has another son by the name of Majestic. His other children have odd names but they don't really go with Mapp. There's also a basketball player by the name of Exree Hipp.. All of this is kind of funny to Howard but Mr. Mapp doesn't think it is. He said that his children are unique as are their names.
In this Lucy bit Howard played Ricky, Al Rosenberg played Lucy and Fred played Fred Mertz. Lucy kept using terms like ''day go'' and ''wet back'' in sentences that confused Ricky into thinking she was using racial slurs.
In the clip Howard had Joel Sebastian come in to talk to him. Joel was an old radio guy who was pretty well known in the New York area. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Joel about what he was wearing and why he wears a sports jacket to work in a radio station. Howard said no one was treating him any better than anyone else there at the station. Howard said he doesn't wear anything like that and he's being treated the same awful way. Howard talked about how even Soupy Sales was dressing more casual than Joel was.
Howard ended up talking about how everyone sounds the same on top 40 radio. He said he was surprised that they didn't have him back at WPLJ or something to do his announcing there. Howard had their engineer play some of Joel's stuff where he introduced some songs. Howard and Robin talked to him about that for a short time. Joel was saying that you have to know where the ''post'' is in the songs and figure out how long you have to talk.
Howard played some more of Joel's stuff and goofed on the way he was talking up one song. He said he was cheating on one of them because he just said his name in a way that dragged it out so he was able to hit the post.
Howard said that Joel was a genius at this whole thing. Joel laughed when he heard that. He said ''not quite.'' Howard played some more of his song intros and goofed around with him some more about the intros. Howard told him he was acting too goofy. Joel just laughed.
Howard said he doesn't think he could ever do what he does. Joel said he doesn't have to because he's got his own thing. Howard asked Fred to give him a song to talk up. Fred gave him Jerry Rafferty's ''Baker Street'' to talk up. Howard wanted to see if he could talk it up like Joel does. Fred told him that they had 17 until the post and 23 total. Howard didn't even know what that meant. Joel explained it all to him. Then Fred played Howard in with a Howard Stern intro and then the song. Howard talked it up and tried to hit the post. He wasn't able to do it as well as Joel.
Howard said Joel would do weather reports and stuff over the start of the song. He didn't do that so he had to fill more time. Howard asked Joel if he wanted to try talking the song up. Joel was willing to give it a try. Howard told him to do it like he used to do at the station he used to work at.
Howard said he never listened to the kind of radio Joel was doing when he was growing up. He said there wasn't any content so it wasn't something he'd enjoy. Robin said she'd be upset when they'd talk over the songs because she was trying to tape them. Howard said he felt the same way.
Howard let Joel give the talk up a shot. He played Baker Street for him and Joel talked it up but stopped at 17 seconds instead of going for the 23. Howard said that's what his mistake was. Joel also gave it a big ''Pow!'' at the end.
Howard said he gets it now. He said he thinks he can do it like Joel. He had Fred play Baker Street again so he could give it a try. He did it a little better up to the 17 second mark. Robin said he still has to work on it a little more.
Sam Kinison Vs. Bobcat Goldthwait. 03/17/1988. 8:55am
Howard came back from break and spent more time talking to Sam about this movie idea he had. They ended up talking about Bobcat Goldthwait and Sam wanted to call him to yell at him.
Sam told Howard that he made $2.5 million last year just from touring. He said that he had some of the top grossing gigs of the year the previous year. He said his time was worth over $1200 per minute at one event. Robin told him that she was in love with him after hearing that.
Howard had Bobcat's phone number so he gave him a call so Sam could confront him. Bobcat was on the line so Howard told him that he had Kinison there. He said he was going to try and patch things up between them the last time he spoke to Bob. Bob told Howard to go ahead and patch away. After a minute Sam said that he was surprised that Bobcat hadn't hung up yet.
Sam asked Bobcat where he was calling from and found out he's out in Los Angeles. He held back on goofing on him a little bit. Howard said that these two guys think that the other one ripped off the other. Sam said that he doesn't think that they ripped each other off... Then he told Howard to go head with this happy reunion he had planned.
Sam said that Bob must be happy about the news about his career. Bob said he was asked to take Sam's spot in that movie he was kicked off of but he turned it down. He said he felt bad for Sam when he heard about it. Bob said he turned down a couple of the gigs that Sam had been rejected from because he didn't want to take any work from him. Sam said that he lost a few jobs in movies like ''Screwed'' and others.
Bobcat said that he didn't think that he and Sam have a similar act so he doesn't think that they have a problem. Sam said that he knows how to say no to bad, stupid movies that he knows are going to be shit. Howard said he can't hold that against Bob. Sam said that Bob tore him up in an interview he did where he called him ugly and stuff like that. That's where the interview went down hill. Sam started to go off on Bobcat for what he's said about him in the press while Bob said that Sam is the one bad mouthing him in the press.
Bobcat said that Sam had claimed that he ripped off his act but Sam said that he never said that. Sam told Bob that he was going to be in L.A. The next day so maybe they should talk then. Then Sam started getting angrier and angrier and threatened to beat Bobcat's ass on the set of his movie. Bob asked him what he was going to do and said he didn't want to fight him. Bob said he doesn't fight and doesn't carry a gun.
Sam said Bob probably wakes up wishing he could be him. He said he wasn't going to take this guy's crap and it was a bad idea to call him. Sam said that Bobcat thinks he's hot shit and he's really not. Howard told Bob he tried to get them back together but it didn't work and he was wrong. He said that the press has pitted the two of them against each other and now things are going all wrong.
Howard asked Sam if he was going to keep him in his movie after all of this. Sam was a little pissed off so Howard asked Bob where he was in all of this. Bob didn't have much to say. Sam said that he and Bob do have different acts but he doesn't deserve to be called the names that Bobcat has said about him in the press.
Bob asked if he could apologize for his comments and just forget about everything. Sam started to get pissed at Howard for backing out of everything and that's when Bob hung up and Sam said the F-word. Howard asked him not to do that to him on the air and freaked out when he cursed.
Sam said that Howard should get Bobcat back on the phone because he wanted to talk about him some more. Howard told Sam that he's going to be the greatest comic that ever lived and that's the way he thinks about him. He doesn't feel that way about anyone else. Sam whipped out his penis at that point. Sam said that he had to have a second of sexual gratification at that point while Howard was kissing his ass.
Howard and Sam went back and forth complimenting each other for a couple of minutes. Howard then called Bobcat back because Sam wanted him to back him up in all of this stuff. Howard called him but got his answering machine. Howard left a message telling Bob that he would never beat Sam because Sam is the king of comedy. Sam said a few words himself. Howard said he would never try to patch things up between guys like that again.
Howard said the worst part of his whole thing is that it took place during Jimmy Fink's time slot so he wasn't going to get the ratings for it. He told Sam he had showed up a little too late. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy told Sam what a fan he was. Howard had to hang up on him because he was kind of annoying.
Another caller told Sam he saw him at a show and he was great. The guy also said that he had been listening to Howard for years. Sam told the guy to come out and see him at Rascals and to just knock on the back door telling them that he's the guy that called in.
Howard took another call from a woman who told Sam to be careful and make sure he doesn't get sent off to a mental home where he'd be tied up and labotomized. Howard was trying to find out what she was wearing and talked about what he would do to her if he got a hold of her.
Howard had to wrap up the show even though Robin hadn't gotten to much of her news. She said they did do the Honduras story though. Sam, who had been drinking wine all this time, was still kissing Howard's ass telling him he was going to put him in that movie he was talking about. Sam said his word is good and he will put him in that movie. Sam also said that he never would have hung up on Howard like Bobcat did. As Sam was talking about him Howard asked ''Bob who?'' as if he had forgotten all about Bobcat Goldthwait. A phone caller went along with that as well and pretended not to know who Bobcat was.
Howard said that since the people at Comic Relief had dissed Sam, he would never give money to the homeless again. Howard said that everyone is jealous of his career and he knows what that is like because he's had the same problems. He said that Sam is his best friend and continued to kiss his ass for a few minutes. He asked Sam to pull down his pants so he could stick his tongue up his ass as far as possible.
Sam told Howard he really appreciates him calling Bob and leaving that message earlier. He told Howard he will always love Howard and he'll always hate that guy Bobcat. Howard said that Sam has the brain of the best comedian around and not everyone uses that gift to do the right thing. He said that Sam turns down bad movies and doesn't get involved with the crap like certain other comedians do.
Howard said there is no more brilliant mind than this man Sam Kinison. He said that some day they will replay this tape and other comedians would listen to it and study him. The two of them continued to kiss each other's asses for a couple more minutes.
Sam said that he was done with the drugs at this point and he was only drunk on wine today. He said that he would always remember this day when Howard left that message on Bobcat's answering machine. Howard thanked Sam for saying that he has a big penis during the interview. He joked that when he was circumcised, they had to yell out ''timber!''
Howard was going to wrap up the show and give Jackie a plug but Sam mentioned his pal Mitchell who was there with him and how he would be at his show with him. They talked about coming up with a ''Bob Who?'' t-shirt to sell at the shows. Sam let out a couple of his classic ''Oh oh!'' yells as they were wrapping up.
In the bit Howard had June Foray on the show to do her Rocky and Bullwinckle voices for them. They wrote a bit for her to act in and they had Dick Butkus come in at the last minute so they wrote him into the script. They had June saying all kinds of wild stuff. She was okay with most of it but she did stop at one point saying she just couldn't say it. Dick said he didn't think he could say his lines either. He played along anyway. They did that all in front of an audience. June said she was probably going to get sued over that.
In the bit Howard and Fred are playing Ricky and Fred. They introduce Frank Zappa and have him show up at their door. Fred was playing Frank Zappa as well. They talked to Zappa about what he was up to in his battle with Tipper Gore and stuff like that. Then Lucy comes in gives a few ''Wah, Ricky, Wahhh'' comments.
In the clip we heard Gary telling Howard he heard that Clapton was rehearsing. Howard sent Gary out to get some audio of that rehearsal. Howard heard another rehearsal going on so he played his own drums to go along with that. Howard's drum set was a Casio keyboard with drum effects in it. Howard pretended he was really drumming.
After an edited out break Gary was up listening to Clapton through a closed door. Gary said he should be getting to it soon. Clapton could be heard playing in the background. Howard said that was him on drums again. Howard said they might have a good concert to hear that night. Gary told Howard who was up on stage rehearsing and they had a bunch of greats up there like Mark Knopfler, Elton John and Phil Collins as well as Clapton. Howard hung in with that for a few and played his Casio drums some more.
Howard said Gary is the kind of guy who gets really emotional at concerts. Howard said he doesn't get that way himself. Gary sounded like he had just orgasmed after hearing that Clapton thing. Howard asked Gary how he liked it when he was coming back in. Gary said he loved it. Howard said that was pretty incredible. He wondered if that was the highlight of his life. Gary said it was and he gets to see it again tonight. Howard said he should be looking at him the same way he looks at Phil Collins. Howard said Gary is forgetting who he works for. Howard and Gary went back and forth arguing about that for a couple of minutes.
In this clip we heard Howard on the phone with a caller talking about how they can all hang out now. He said he was there to talk about testicular cancer or lumpy testicles. Howard said he was reading about how to check yourself for testicular cancer and you can't be squeezing the things like they tell you in this pamphlet he got. Howard said he can't even touch his. He said he just cleans in the general area.
The caller had some jokes for Howard abut Howard wasn't able to use one of them. He ended up talking to the guy about his home life when he found out that he stays home while his wife works. Howard asked if he's embarrassed to be like that. The guy said no way. Howard said that his father would go nuts if he did something like that. He ended up making fun of the guy for staying home like that and told the guy that he was going to have him check himself for testicle cancer. Then he said he was going to take it into the Homo Room to get really intimate with him.
Howard brought the caller into the homo room and told him to really do this testicle check thing. He had the guy take off his underwear so he could do that. The caller played along and did it all. The guy was getting a little ahead of Howard though. Howard told him how to check for the lumps and Fred played some sound effects of some weird noises while he was doing that. Howard told the guy what to feel for and where everything was located. The guy tried to follow along. Howard told him to feel for lumps and the guy wasn't able to find anything.
Howard told him to contact a doctor if he does find anything. Howard said he doesn't want to be left ''holding the bag'' if he doesn't contact a doctor. Howard told the guy to put his pants back on. He had to get out of the Homo Room too. He had Fred close them out of the Homo Room and wrapped up with the caller.
April Fool's Prank On Gary. 04/04/07. 7:40am
In the next segment we heard the day (April 1, 1992) that they had a woman call in and claim that she had been date raped by Gary. Howard was telling Gary that they had the woman calling in and it might be interesting. He had her number so he gave her a call. He asked her how long ago this was. She told him that it was about 5 years ago and she and Gary had gone out together. She said that she is considered good looking from what she's been told. Howard asked her some questions about her measurements and cup size but she wasn't sharing that information.
The woman said that she met Gary and she knows that it was the real Gary. She had seen him on the TV show so she knew who she was out with. Gary was afraid that she was fooled by someone else, an impersonator perhaps. Howard had the woman continue her story even though Gary was suspicious of it. He said that he didn't remember ever going to a Houlihan's in Manhattan but that didn't mean it didn't happen.
Howard had the woman continue her story. She said it was a hot night and she had invited him home to her parent's pool where they went for a dip. She said she told him where the shower was and he got kind of carried away. She said that Gary did her out by the pool and she would call it date rape. She said back then it wouldn't have been called Date Rape though. Gary said that never happened and she should be embarrassed by her lies.
Howard wanted to know the details of the date rape so she told Howard that they had been drinking that night. She thinks that Gary had a little too much though. Gary said he's very embarrassed by this and he knows that it never happened. She said that Gary got very rough with her and pinned her down. Gary said he would never do that and he doesn't even know who this woman is.
Gary wanted to check the validity of the story but Howard didn't have a way of doing that. Gary said she had no way of proving that he even knew him. She said she wasn't going to call but now that she knows he's engaged, she felt she had to call. The woman said that she drove Gary home but he wanted to know where that was. She said they never made it there. Then she said that there was no apology from Gary and then he knew where she lived so she was kind of frightened of that.
Howard said he didn't know what to feel about him after hearing this story. He then asked him what day it was and Gary realized it was an April Fools joke. Howard said he was sweating bullets during that whole thing. Howard told Carol on the phone that she had done a great job. She had come in one other time when she pretended to rape Howard under his console. That was another April Fools Day prank that they pulled. Howard thanked Carol for the help with these ''Rapril Fools'' pranks they've pulled. He let her go a short time later.
Howard didn't think that the pool part was believable. Fred had pulled that story from Penthouse Forums so that's why Gary didn't fall for it. Fred thought that he was falling for it though. Gary said he knew it was a fake story well before that though.
Howard had a guy on the phone who claims that he used to claim he was Gary from the Howard Stern Show and he got laid because of it. He said it worked very well before the TV show started. He no longer does it. He said it worked the first time and he was flipping out after that. He said he used to go to this club on Long Island where he'd meet chicks and fool them into thinking that he was Gary. He said he'd ask the women if they recognized him and then he'd let them know he was Gary from the Howard Stern Show. They'd always fall for it. Then he'd bang them. Robin wondered if the chicks were good looking. The guy claims that the chicks were hot too. Howard wasn't so sure about that but the guy said they really were. He said he really works with computers and he would never go out with the girls a second time.
The guy said one girl caught him and wasn't so happy that he'd done what he'd done. She was disgusted with him although she did sleep with him one more time before the called it off. He said that she was very loose so that's how he got her the second time. Howard told the guy that he had committed some crimes by doing that stuff. The guy said he had some crazy sex with the chicks. He said he'd never call the chicks back either. He said he did it three times and only saw one of the girls more than one time.
The guy said that he doesn't do it anymore because he's afraid of getting caught. The guy said he doesn't even look like Gary, he doesn't have those ''African features'' that Gary has. Jackie started laughing his ass off when he heard that. Howard said Gary does have some African features and goofed on him about that. Howard let that guy go a short time later.
Howard And Gilbert Goof On Abe Hirschfeld. 2/5/03. 9:15am
Back in August of 2001 Abe Hirschfeld called in to talk to Howard about being in jail. Gilbert Gottfried was in then and ended up goofing on Abe's accent and had him repeating stuff that they pretended not to hear. Well, they did the same thing today. Howard got Hirschfeld on the phone and asked him a couple of quick questions about going to prison for a while. Howard said he was going to try and kill his partner or something like that. He asked Abe if he killed him and Abe said that the guy died before he could kill him. Hirschfeld claims that he never intended to kill the guy. Howard asked him how old he was and found out he's 84. Abe said he has a diet that will allow people to eat whatever they want and not gain any weight. Howard introduced Gilbert and told him he was going to sing a blessing before they spoke anymore. Gilbert then went into one of his Jewish songs that seemed to never end. Abe said the way he sang it made it sound like Hip-Hop. Howard got back to Abe and asked him some questions about the money he's worth. He went through some of the stuff he's been working on and asked him why he doesn't rest. Abe said he likes to do good things for the public. Gilbert interrupted him and started doing an impression of Abe as he would sound if he was Dracula.
Abe started to talk about some of the problems we have in this world. He said he wants to stop the many divorces we have. He said he's been married 60 years now. He said he was going to tell people how to have a good marriage. He went on to tell a joke that didn't make much sense. It was about a 10 year old boy asking his mother how old she is and how much she weighs. She tells him that it's not polite to ask stuff like that. He also asks the mother why she's divorced. She won't tell him so he finds her license and it says she's 35 years old, weighs 120 pounds and it says she got an ''F'' for Sex, that's why she got the divorce. Howard and Gilbert then proceeded to have Abe repeat that joke over and over and over again. They kept telling him they missed part of the joke or they just didn't get it. Abe would tell it over and over again while Howard, Artie and Gilbert laughed hysterically. Howard had the microphones down so Abe couldn't hear them. Howard asked Abe what the whole joke meant because he didn't really get it. He finally asked about it after Abe told the joke about 5 times. Gilbert told Abe that he didn't hear all of the joke so he asked him to tell it once again. Howard said he couldn't take it anymore. Howard said he'd love to meet this guy. He used to hang out with President Kennedy and now he's getting dicked around by Gilbert. Gilbert had him repeat the joke again when he said they wanted to record it. Howard and the guys continued to laugh as he told the joke for the tenth time. Howard said he wasn't even sure what Hirschfeld was calling in for.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she hasn't laughed that hard in a long time. Abe started to tell another story about ''Babahah Walters'' so Gilbert picked up on that and goofed on him some more. He started to tell another joke about Barbara Walters and President Clinton so they had him repeating that over and over again before he even finished it. Abe told Howard that he composed these jokes while he was in prison for 2 years. Howard and Gilbert continued to goof on the poor guy for a few minutes. Abe never did get around to plugging what he wanted to talk about. Gilbert asked him to tell his 10 year old boy joke again so Abe said he was going to start charging for it. He went ahead and told it again though. Howard told Mr. Hirschfeld that he would talk to him about the diet and his plans for the World Trade Center at a future date. Hirschfeld said he had to plug something and started talking about the divorce thing again. Gilbert kept goofing on his accent though. Abe told one last joke as Howard was trying to wrap up the call and it just wasn't working. Howard finally got him off the phone. Gilbert goofed on him a little bit more before Howard took his break. Gilbert hung around for Robin's news.
In the clip Howard introduced this ''I Shred Lucy'' bit they had created. In the bit Lucy wanted to go with Ricky to meet Charles Boyer. Lucy ends up meeting him and then Ricky and Fred throw her into a shredder but it turns out they threw the wrong person into the shredder and killed Charles Boyer.
William Shatner enters ''The Homo Room.'' 4-2-96. William Shatner(Captain Kirk on Star Trek) came in and had a very bizarre appearance. Today Howard decided to have Mr. Shatner enter a room that not many celebrities have entered...''The Homo Room'' The Homo Room is a place for the guys on the show to go and show their feminine side. Howard goes in to a gay voice and does all kinds of gay stuff. Howard became ''Stacy'', William Shatner became ''Jill'', Fred became ''Frederique'', Gary became ''Betsy'' and Jackie became ''Jessie''. Robin isn't aloud in the Homo Room because she's female. While in the room they did things like ''hide the frog(in the butt)'' and they typed with their genitals. Howard sang a couple of gay songs while Shatner tried to plug his Star Trek books, Star Trek The Return, Man O' War and Star Trek The Ashes of Eden. Shatner was playing along with the bit for quite some time. I was amazed how long he held out! I guess he'd do anything to plug his stuff on the show. After coming out of the homo room Howard whispered to Shatner, ''Bill ...you forgot to pull up your pants...'' When Howard went to commercial Shatner ran out and hugged Robin as if that would make him a man once again.
Courtney Love Calls Back. 03/22/04. 8:10am
Artie and Howard did a bit goofing on Courtney after she was off the line. They had this circus music playing in the background and they just blurted out various subjects that she was talking about during the call. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard that he's not sure she'll make it down there. He was trying to give the concierge the address but Courtney could be heard in the background saying that she would only make it there if they billed the limo to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Howard took another break after that.
Courtney Love Comes In. 03/22/04. 9:55am
Courtney tried to explain what she was talking about but it still didn't make any sense to Howard. Fred played the music he played earlier in the show while Artie sang about all of the stuff that Courtney was talking about during the interview. Howard broke to commercial in the middle of one of Courtney's rants.
More With Courtney Love. 03/22/04. 10:30am
Courtney said that she hopes that the FCC eventually leaves him alone. Howard said they will never leave him alone. She continued to talk so Howard had Artie do his song where he sings about all of the subjects that Courtney was talking about. It really was amazing how much stuff she talked about while she was there. Courtney liked what he was doing and got in on it and added some more stuff to the song. Courtney said that Howard had just introduced her to her soul mate (Artie). She went over to him and asked him to keep going. They were doing a duet with the rambling song. Howard let them keep going as he wrapped up the show. She was back by Artie in his area and she was apparently grinding him. It was insane but Howard had to end it because it was already 11 o'clock.
Madonna's Sister Paula Replay. 07/03/07. 11:00am
In the next clip they played another old segment (from May 19, 1994) that wasn't in my archives. This one was Howard talking to a woman who claims to be Madonna's sister Paula Ciccone. Howard talks to her for a few minutes and the woman seems to believe that she's really her sister. Howard said he had to meet her after hearing her talk for a couple of minutes.
Paula claimed she could sing exactly like Madonna so Howard asked her to sing for him. She never did because she was so busy rambling on and on about nothing. Howard tried to hang up on her but she kept talking and wouldn't get off the line. Howard said he'd talk to her the next day but she kept going. He eventually just put her on hold as she was talking. Fred threw in the Twilight Zone theme after he put her on hold. Howard then goofed on her for a short time.
Gary said that he had some people look into her and said that he heard that she really was her sister. Howard said he wanted to find out for sure so he asked Gary to look into it a little further. He got Paula back on the line and talked to her a little longer. Paula continued to ramble on and on for a few minutes before Howard put her on hold again.
Gary came in and told Howard that he got in touch with Madonna's publicist who told him that this woman is not her sister and there has been someone going around impersonating Madonna's sister. Gary said he thought that since it was in the news, she really was her sister. Howard said it's a good thing Robin was there because she told him to have Gary look into it. Howard told Gary to mark the date because this is the day he was duped by Madonna's sister. Stuttering John said that there were people calling in saying they were Kurt Cobain. Gary thought that he had done everything he could have to make sure this was legitimate.
Robin and Jackie were laughing their asses off at the whole situation. They were goofing on Gary about what he had done and couldn't stop laughing.
In this clip Howard introduced the bit and explained the characters and what it was all about. He then played the ''I Shot Lucy Jo'' bit starring Lucy Jo and ''Ricky Buttacardo.'' They had Lucy Jo meeting her husband's mistress Amy.
Gary Busey Visits. 07/23/1998. 8:00am
Howard came back from break and talked about his ratings up in Boston. They're doing very well up there according to the article that Robin gave to him. He said that they were put on in Providence recently and they already got Manqueer out of there. That led to them talking a little bit about some other radio guys like Rick Dees.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who brought up Gary Busey and spent a short time talking about him. Howard spent a short time on that subject and then the caller brought up Kathie Lee but his ideas didn't go over very well so Howard hung up on him.
Howard had the guys bring in Gary Busey. He said he had a lot of stories to tell about him. Gary came in a short time later and shook Howard's hand so hard he thought it was going to break. Gary was on mic and yelling. Howard said they're going to have a special on E! about Gary's life. Howard wondered if this was the Born Again Gary that he was talking to. Gary said he wasn't really born again but after he overdosed he went to rehab and decided to turn his life back over to God. Howard said he heard he was at Scores last night but Gary wondered who told that story. Howard decided to move on instead of staying on that subject.
Gary asked Howard why they call New York City the Big Apple. Howard said it's because there are a lot of fruits living there. He went through the history of Gary's life and how he ended up getting into a motorcycle accident. Gary said he crashed the motorcycle and hit his head on a curb. He wasn't wearing a helmet at the time and eventually came out and said that he didn't think people should have to wear them. He said he was kind of manipulated by some people and he's really for people wearing them.
Gary told Howard that he still has problems with short term memory and forgets where he puts his keys and stuff sometimes. Howard asked him if he knew his name. Gary thought for a second and said he knew it was Howard Stern. Gary ended up telling Howard about how he had an out of body experience after his crash. it wasn't his first one though. Howard wanted to hold off on that for a few minutes. He asked Gary about the helmet thing and went through that story again.
Howard asked Gary if it was true that he had slept with Kinison's wife. Gary said he didn't know where he got his stupid information but that was wrong. Gary said something about Howard liking to put salt on his ass and going to petting zoos. Howard didn't have any idea what he was talking about.
Howard and Gary talked about the first time they met back when Howard was doing his Channel 9 show. They did a bit called the ''Head Injury Club for Men.'' Howard told the details of that story and how they came up with the whole idea. Gary came in and had no idea what he was in for. He was the biggest guest that they'd ever had on that show. Howard said they actually flew him in and they never did that before. He explained how he had green apple sauce pouring out of his head injury and they ended up getting into a food fight during the shoot.
Howard asked Gary if he had some good times when he was doing coke and stuff. Gary said he was smart for about 20 minutes while on that stuff. Howard asked Gary if he used to go to Heidi Fleiss. Gary said that never happened. Howard asked him about hanging out with Charlie Sheen. Gary said he didn't do that much with him either. Howard asked him how much coke he was doing when he was at his partying best. Gary joked it was 15 pounds but said his scale was from Australia.
Gary talked about how he got into the Buddy Holly story movie and how that all worked out great. Howard got on the subject of the Born Again stuff. Gary became a Born Again Promise Keeper. They went through that stuff and also talked about the upcoming E! special about Gary's life.
Gary (Baba Booey) came in and wanted to bring something up. Gary Busey ended up chasing after him. Then he got on the drums that were in the studio and started playing those. Howard said the guy is shot out of a cannon this morning. Busey came back a short time later and calmed down a little bit. Howard talked to him about some cancer he had in his nose. Gary said it was a very rare cancer and he claims that he was born with it. He said that he had a nose bleed last year and it wouldn't stop so he went and had it checked out. They found a tumor the size of a golf ball. Luckily they caught it in time and got it out of there. Gary said he went through 7 hours of surgery where they lifted up his lip and nose to get to the tumor.
Busey was telling a story about how he had heard a voice when he was under during surgery. Then Baba Booey tried to say some stuff over his microphone but Busey was making noise to block him so no one could hear him. Howard got back to Gary's stories and went through some of the stuff he's gone through.
Gary talked about some of the projects he's been involved with lately and then Howard gave him a plug for the E! True Hollywood Story about his life. Howard also asked him to admit that he had been at Scores last night. Gary wouldn't do that but Chaunce Hayden called in and said that he's lying and he really was there last night. Gary said he wasn't there. Chaunce got the hint and said he gets it, wink wink, he wasn't there. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Gary Busey Comes And Goes. 07/23/1998. 8:40am
Howard came back after the break and mentioned they had Brian Wilson coming in tomorrow. He said that Gary Busey was way out there this morning. He talked about how great the Buddy Holly movie was with Gary Busey. He mentioned he wanted to go see the Mark of Zorro movie too. He said they might be able to go see a preview of that movie.
Howard said Gary Busey made a move like he was going to come over and kick his ass after his appearance. Gary came in a short time later and said he wasn't able to get away from there. He picked up his interview from where they left off earlier. Gary was talking about going out and shooting some pigeons and cooking them up in his hotel room.
Howard told Gary that maybe they can hang out sometime. Busey said that he doesn't want to be lynched. Busey was rambling a bit about some nonsense and Howard said he really doesn't think he could hang with him because they're so different. Busey stuck around for a few minutes and talked to Howard a little bit. Busey headed over toward Howard and scared him a little bit. Howard then noticed that he has his nails manicured. Gary said they're just covered in some juice from a squid. He asked Howard to smell his hands so Howard said it smelled like he was at Scores last night.
Howard had a guy on the phone who claimed that Gary was out at a bar with him. He didn't want to take the call while Gary was in the studio though. Gary left but came right back in a minute later. Howard had him showing Robin his shiny nails. They talked about Gary getting into fights and stuff and Gary said he had broken some sternums with his helmet a few times. He wanted to demonstrate on Howard but Howard asked him to back off.
Howard was inviting Gary to go with them to Scores on Friday but Gary said he didn't have time to do that. Howard figured he was giving him the old ''wink, wink'' thing and he would be there on Friday. Gary didn't know what the ''wink, wink'' thing was and told him to lay off the Scores stuff.
Howard kept talking about Busey so he kept leaving and coming back into the studio. Busey heard Howard say something else about him having a lot of energy so he came right back in the studio but only for a short time. Howard said he has to put Gary in a movie but he'd probably never get any work done.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Gary Busey came into a bar he was working at years ago and used to drink quite a bit. Busey returned to the studio and said that was a couple of years ago and he's out of that now. Howard had Robin start her news after that. They had to go to break a short time later.
Booey's Best was over around 11:10am.
Howard and the guys were back from their winter vacation this morning. Howard started the show talking about doing a new show on a Tuesday in the new year. Robin asked if it's the last year. Howard said he thinks they'll be just fine. Robin said it's supposed to end on Scott's birthday. Howard said that he believes.
Howard said they haven't spoken in over 2 weeks and they have to talk about their holiday party and about America's Got Talent and his drunk dialing. Howard said on New Years Eve he was drunk dialing the fans. Robin missed that. She said she was out of the country.
Howard said he'll tell Robin the story about how it evolved. Howard said he just went on Twitter and asked for phone numbers. He said Beth is on more than he is. He said she's verified and she reports to him things that she sees. Howard said he figured he should tweet something and he did. He said he doesn't like doing it because he's so sensitive. Howard said he didn't go on there to be judged but he is. He said he figured his fans wanted to hear from him but he's evaluated instead. He said they tell him he sucks at tweeting. Howard said he has friends who tweet when they go to the store and things like that.
Howard said he signed to be on America's Got Talent this year and one of the people he spoke to at NBC, which is now NBCU, was Paul Telegdy. Howard said he's a British guy and they spoke to him before they left. Howard said there were a bunch of people responsible for bringing him over there. Howard said it was a group decision. Howard said they went off on vacation and left the news hanging in the air. Howard said this is the soap opera that is his life.
Howard said about 3 days before New Year's Eve he got a message on his phone. He said he heard it was from Paul. He picked up the phone thinking he wanted to wish him a happy new year or something. Howard said he took the call and told him he was happy for signing with NBCU. Howard said he had nothing bad to say about the guy and he was saying nice things in the news. Howard asked Paul who would ever say anything bad about him. He said that if it wasn't for him he probably wouldn't have taken the job. Howard said he asked Paul what he thinks about the publicity and Paul says he's happy for him. Then the wheels start turning and he realized he was talking to Paul McCartney and not Paul Telegdy. He said that he asked Paul if it was McCartney and he said he felt funny saying that it was McCartney.
Howard said he thought that it was Paul Telegdy and he had to explain to him what was going on. Howard said no one talks about the publicity they're getting. Howard said he told Paul that Ringo is the only Beatle that can use just one name. He said he has to use his full name.
Howard said he told Paul about getting on America's Got Talent and he thought that it was Telegdy. Paul didn't know what was going on. He said Paul was calling because he heard that he had said some things about him and Linda's book. He said he had his wife on the phone and they were calling to wish a merry Christmas and a happy new year. Howard said he can't tell Robin how exciting that was for him.
Howard said who would think that Paul McCartney is going to call him. He said that he had no idea it was him. Howard said he spoke to him for about 5-10 minutes about various things. Howard said they chatted about what Paul is up to and things like that. Howard said he asked if he was burnt out from touring and things like that. Howard said he told him that he could win America's Got Talent if he went on. He said he told that to Billy Joel too.
Howard said that was really exciting for him. He said he and Beth went out for New Years and he was talking to Beth when they were home alone. He said he told Beth how great that call was and he thought it would be nice to call a fan. He said that Beth suggested Mariann from Brooklyn. Howard said she's a great fan and she never asks for anything. He said he called Gary and got Mariann's number. He said he called but got a busy signal. Howard said he asked Gary to find a good number for her. Howard said Beth asked who else they could do that to and he figured he could do it on Twitter just asking fans for their numbers. Howard said Beth told him to say he was drunk dialing. He didn't even know what that was. Beth told him that it's when you get drunk and call and old boyfriend or girlfriend. Howard said he didn't know it was a thing.
Howard said he got on Twitter and did the drunk dialing thing. He said that fans started sending their numbers. Robin said of course he did. Howard said he took them one at a time and started calling. He said he has the loveliest fans. He said he spoke to some really great people and they were all great. Howard said some were chatty and some were just like ''Thanks for calling'' and got off the phone. Howard said some people were chatty, some clammed up. Howard said he posted that he really called. He said that he got to about 60 people that gave their numbers. Howard said Gary got back to him with Mariann's number. He left a voice message for her and he said she was going to kill herself if he didn't get her on live. He said it was a nice thing to do. Robin said it sounds like a lovely gesture.
Howard said he called Jillian Barberie and Jeff Jarvis too. He said Jeff told him this was another original thing he was doing on Twitter. He said that he had a great time doing it. Howard said there were a bunch of news reports about it too.
Howard played a clip from Rosanna Scotto on the local FOX 5 news talking about his drunk dialing. They talked about how they must have been really drunk to do something like that. Howard said he had so much fun doing that. He said he did it for like an hour and then ate and then did about 2 more hours of dialing. Howard said they had a great time doing it and it felt good doing it. He said the fans were great too. Robin said she thinks the people who say rotten things would even be happy.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she was out getting food when the calls came in. She said she was so bummed. She said that she couldn't believe that she missed him calling her. Mariann said that her husband said he felt so bad that she missed it. Howard said they called later to make sure that they got her on live.
Mariann said that Howard gets it. Howard said she'll never leave her phone again. Mariann said no one ever calls her. Mariann asked if she sounded crazy. Howard said she sounded great and she was calm so they had a great conversation. Mariann said that he made her year. Howard cut her off and hung up.
Howard said that he called Jeff Jarvis and he got a message saying that he has a blocked number. Howard said Jeff told him that he must have dialed the wrong number. Howard said he tried calling again. He said he dialed again and got the same thing. He said it said that he had a blocked number and Jeff said that he didn't have that. Then it turns out Jeff called his own number and it was blocked. Jeff said he forgot he had that on the line. He had it years ago.
Jeff told Howard that he was watching hundreds of people posting their numbers on Twitter. Howard said that some people were texting those people but most numbers are in the phone book anyway. Jeff said that entertainment is about relationships and the fans were loving it. Jeff said one person asked him to call Lou, a Paraplegic. Howard said that he called the house and got Lou's mom. He said she asked who it was and he told him that it was Howard Stern. Howard said she thought he was fooling around. Howard said he told her what was going on and told her that he was calling to wish him a Happy New Year. Howard said the mom put him on and she was very nervous. Howard said he got on and talked to Lou for a couple of minutes and it was fun. He said he was a sweetheart.
Jeff asked if he regretted calling anyone. He said he would have called more people but it was very tedious to type on his iPad to tweet back out.
Jeff said some people said that they liked getting voice mails so they could keep them forever. Howard said he stopped doing that after a while.
Jeff said that Rupert Murdoch got on Twitter this weekend too. Howard said no one cares though. Howard had a few more news reports about his drunk dialing thing. Howard said he tried calling Jeff but that didn't work. He let Jeff go after that.
Howard played another news report about his calls. Then he took a call from a guy who said that he was one of the people Howard called. He said he saw Howard calling other people and he finally got the call. He said that it was great when he finally got it. Howard said he tried calling in order. the caller said maybe he didn't see exactly the same thing Howard saw. Howard said that he had to move up a little bit after a while. The caller jokingly said he was in the middle of tweeting a suicide note when he called.
JD came in laughing. He said that Ronnie was way more excited about it than he was. JD said he didn't want to copy what Howard was doing. Howard said Ronnie will follow you off a mountain.
Howard said that the fucking guy, Ronnie, is out of control. He said he was such an asshole at the holiday party. He said that everyone gasped when he read his poem.
Howard said that he was wasted out of his mind at the party. He said he was sloppy drunk. Robin said that he wasn't. He insisted he wasn't. Robin said he was.
Howard said Ronnie's ego is out of control. He said he's happy he's making appearances and stuff but when he gets drunk he says dumb things. Howard said he had some examples. He said that some people congratulated him on his America's Got Talent thing. He said Ronnie would yell ''Hey! What about me?'' He said that Ronnie would ask why no one is congratulating him on his deal. Howard said that people stare and wonder what he's talking about. He said he sounds like a retard. Howard said he heard Ronnie going on and on about this in his drunken stupidity.
Howard said then JD reads his poem and it's really insulting. He said that he wrote about how some people think his boss is an ass and some people think he's crass. Howard said that's insulting. Howard asked Robin to explain to him that he was out of control. Robin said that it was a party that Howard was throwing and it's not what people want to hear. Robin said they're celebrating a great year and he's showing the love but he reminds them that things aren't great. JD said he felt a little uncomfortable reading it.
Howard said people were asking what he was going to do. Howard said Ronnie rhymed the word night with the word night. Fred said he told Ronnie that he should take out the ass line. He said Ronnie didn't take it out. Howard said Ronnie's ego is way out of control.
Ronnie said he's done. Howard told him to get in there now. Ronnie walked out. Howard said he just left. He said that's Edgar Allen Schmo. Robin said he's Henry Wadsworth Wrongfellow. Howard said he was out of control and he was offended. He said he knows people think he's an asshole but this was a party for the staff and his family. He said he doesn't want to be bummed out.
Howard told JD to get the poem and read it for them. JD said he didn't have a copy. He said he'll have to go back and listen to it and type it out. He said that they have it on audio. JD said it was on the computer.
Howard asked JD if he was dreading the reading. JD said that he had a couple of drinks before he read it so not everything got to him. He said that he had to rehears reading it.
Howard said Ronnie got up and made a couple of speeches. Robin said that she just wanted to say thanks for the party so she did that but then Ronnie grabbed the microphone. Howard said he's the master of ceremonies apparently.
Howard asked Fred about telling Ronnie about taking that line out. Fred said he did advise him to do that. He said that he was trying to be a good editor. Howard said he was so offended. Robin said everyone was looking at each other when they heard it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie's ego really is out of control. Howard said that Ronnie was going nuts when he heard people congratulating him on his AGT deal. Ronnie said that he had a meeting with Don Buchwald but he can't talk about his TV deal yet. Howard said he's out of control. The caller said they had to hear his speech.
Robin said she was talking to Jackie Martling and he was telling her how great it was to see her. Robin said she said the same to him and Ronnie said ''He looks terrible!'' Howard said that Jackie has lost too much weight. He said it looks like someone stuck a pin in him. Robin said Ronnie was countering anything she said. She was just trying to get through the evening.
Howard said Red Peters was there and he seemed so sad sitting in the corner alone. Howard said he tried talking to him. He had nothing to say to him though. Howard said he wanted to ask him how his ''whole family'' was doing. Howard said he thinks he's divorced but he's not sure. Robin said she had to get away as quickly as possible. Howard said that he tried to get people to talk to him but he seemed so lonely.
Howard said he spoke to Jackie for a while but he wants to shake him when he's congratulating him on America's Got Talent. Howard said he saw that Jackie's joke machine was in a bunch of stores. He said after he sees him he asks himself ''What the fuck did that guy do?'' He said he'll sit there wondering what Jackie was thinking. He said he committed career suicide.
Howard said that he thought it was sad when Jackie set up his booth at the party to sell his joke machines. Howard said that he woke up with a hangover wondering what to do with those things. He said it was actually good to see everyone there at the party.
Howard said JD got up to read Ronnie's poem and they were all having a great time before that. He said that when JD was reading it the thing wasn't that funny. He said it was funny in a bad way. Howard said that there are people that think he's an ass and Ronnie was pointing that out at this party.
Howard played the audio of JD reading the poem at the party. In the clip Ronnie introduced JD and he said that JD was going to read his ''party'' instead of saying poem. Howard said that he goes on and on and on with this. He said that you just want him to finish. Howard said Beth doesn't listen to the show that much so she didn't know what was going on.
Howard played more of the clip and Ronnie was yelling at the crowd to shut up and called someone an asshole. Howard said that you hear him cursing and that's all you hear. Ronnie was telling the crowd what he asked JD to read and then handed it over to him. JD got up and read the poem which went something like this:
The Holiday Party.
At this time every year we have a party to celebrate our year.
We have great food, booze and beer and plenty of fun and cheer.
Sometimes we have a DJ.
Sometimes we do karaoke And sometimes we even do the hokey pokey.
We Sing and we dance and once in a while a jerk will pull down his pants.
We look forward to this event where we can let loose and get bent.
Some say the host of this party is an ass.
Some people say that he's crass.
But the people at this party love Howard and Beth because in our eyes they're top class.
We raise our glasses to you and cheer until we meet again this next year.
So we thank you two for this great night and now lets party until the wee hours of the night.
Howard said he's not sure why they can't mic this correctly. He said they could have gotten the feed directly. Howard would cut the poem off saying that it goes on and on. Howard asked JD to get the poem written down so he can read the rest of it live. He said that the audio wasn't that great.
Howard said that Ronnie had already spoken before he stole the mic from Robin. He said that he didn't have to get up and say anything. He said this was like Ronnie's Block Party. He said that they got it for free though.
Doug from Howard TV came in and said that he went out with Ronnie about 2 weeks after. He said he told Ronnie he pulled some clips and he told him about the speech he made. He said Ronnie had no recollection of the speech he made. Doug said he had no idea. Howard said that he was drunk as soon as the party started. Doug said it gets nuts. Doug said Ronnie can function pretty well when he's drunk. He's like a party animal.
Howard said that Robin's speech was pretty good but Ronnie really went out there. He played some of the audio of Ronnie making that speech talking about how he was taken in by Howard. Howard said he wanted to jump out a window hearing this. Howard played more of the audio and Ronnie was going on and on about Howard and then about his own FOX TV show that he has in the works. He said he loves this man to death. Ronnie said they all love Howard Stern and he can't tell them how much love he has. Howard said he can't listen to anymore. Robin said she's fascinated with every word.
Howard played more of Ronnie's speech and he was going on and on about how great he is. Howard said he was telling Ronnie it was enough and he could sit down now. Ronnie was yelling ''Drink to Howard Stern!'' Howard said he was in rare form that night.
Howard asked Benjy what he was up to. He said he was being a bit of an asshole. Benjy said that he was trying to be nice. He said that if she didn't say hi then maybe it's because she's shy. Howard said he has to talk to him off the air about his relationship. He said that Benjy doesn't dress like that usually. Benjy asked if that was really him. They were showing a picture in the studio.
Benjy said that's the outfit that Elisa picked for him. Howard said they must have to make a statement. Benjy said he would have dressed more mellow if it was up to him. He said he likes dressing up though. He said he knows they don't like things out of the ordinary.
Howard said it seemed like they were putting on an attitude like they were hip hop guys with an attitude. Gary came in and said that they came in late and they sat at one of the tables alone. He said it was like he was acting like a VIP and they weren't talking to anyone. Gary said they stood out by just acting odd. Robin said that there were people running around saying she had to go see what he looked like.
Benjy said that Jon Hein had suggested that the just let people come up to him at the party. That's what he did. Gary said he loves that Benjy takes a suggestion like that and takes it to the max. Howard said that Benjy did send some orchids to the house but at the party he was acting very strange. He said that he was doing it with everyone too. Benjy said that he was just shy. JD said he saw the outfit and didn't want to deal with it. He said he was laughing in his face when he saw him. JD said he didn't talk to the girlfriend. Howard said she seems kind of unfriendly.
Robin said that she sat down next to her and said she wanted a picture with them. Robin said she was posing for the picture but then she said ''thank you so much for coming to take a picture.'' Robin said she was happy to do it and Elisa said ''Oh yeah, right.'' Howard said she must think that she's like Mariah Carey or something. Gary said she was giving that vibe to everyone. Gary said that they're not the nutty ones. Howard said he wanted to ask how her career was going but they were giving a weird vibe there.
Gary said he heard that Ronnie's girlfriend and Elisa may have had a thing going on. Gary said Will told him that his wife went up to Elisa and she put her hand out like she wanted her to kiss it. Benjy said he doesn't think she did that.
Howard had JD read Ronnie's poem live. He added a few more lines to what was played earlier. Howard said that Ronnie and Robin Salem were dancing the night away so they were like buddies that night. He said he's not sure what happened there. He said he must have charmed her in some way. He said they were dirty dancing from what he could see.
Scott came in and told Howard that Ronnie and his wife made up and everything is great now. Howard said Ronnie must be working his charm. Scott said that he has to give the credit to his wife. He said that it may not have been all Ronnie. Howard said that he thought he was day dreaming when he saw them dancing like that.
Howard said he thought that they hated each other. He said they were like long lost friends. Robin asked Scott if he missed some hair on his face shaving. Scott said he may have. Howard asked if he has a new look going on. He thought he had a chain on his side. Scott said it was just his ID. Howard said this whole thing with his wife and Ronnie is amazing. He said just a couple of months ago she was talking about how awful Ronnie is.
Howard said that Scott is going to be Mr. Personality for 2012 apparently. He did an impression of Scott and said he's fascinating. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Howard said he'd get back to the rest of the stuff after that. Robin said she wanted to know how he liked his Christmas gift. Howard said he sent her a note about that. He said that he sent her an email but Robin said she didn't get it. Howard said she has to check again. Robin said she didn't see anything. Howard said he's going to have to resend the email. He said he put a lot of thought into it. Robin said she's been agonizing about it. Howard said maybe he sent it to the wrong address. Howard said maybe it went to the address they have for their email group.
Robin said she thought that he didn't get to her about the gift. Howard said some people think he's an ass and some think he's crass.
Lisa said she had a lot of fun at the holiday party. She said Howard didn't stick around long. Howard said he was there until 10:30 and that was 3 and a half hours. He said that's a long time for him. He said he can't stay up that late. Howard said he's not sure that he's going to be able to stay awake for America's Got Talent. Robin said that he's going to be international with that show. She said they replay it all over the world.
Howard said he heard Richard and his wife were the last to leave the party. He didn't know what time they left though. Robin said she thought about Howard doing the live shows and what that's going to mean. Robin said that the vacation schedule looks odd to her. She said there were a lot of weird dates.
Howard said there are some weird dates. They will be taping for America's Got Talent and he will have to take a week off here and there for that. He said that they will take a day off here and there too. He said those will be Monday shows. He said when they do the live shows he's going to be off a good part of that. Howard said that there might be some good talent but his head will hit the big X button when he dozes off.
Howard said he asked them to do the live shows earlier. He said that they used to be on Monday and Tuesday but he thinks that they'll be doing Tuesday and Wednesday. He said they only have to do 5 Tuesday night shows so he should be okay with that. He said most of the live shows they'll be off. He said it runs from July to mid-September and there are two weeks off for the Olympics. Howard said they do tape stuff in advance and he has to be off for a couple of weeks.
Robin said that Oprah is doing weekly shows on her network now. She said she will eventually go on and do a show regularly. Howard said that Rosie came out to his house and slept over. He said that Rosie's kids were with her ex-wife. Howard said he talked to her about getting married and showed her the B tattoo on his ring finger. Howard said Rosie went out and got a tattoo of an M the size of a billboard on her. He said you can see it from the moon. He said that it's on her ring finger too. He said that Rosie is head over heels for this woman. Howard said Rosie is so nice and he's not sure why he said such mean things about her in the past.
Robin said that Oprah did an interview with Steven Tyler and she was giving him credit for bringing American Idol back. Robin said she thinks Howard will end up with Oprah too. Robin asked if that's one of the things that made him decide to do America's Got Talent. Howard said that didn't really do it. He said he really wanted to be a judge but he knows it's going to look weird. He said that they put his picture next to Howie and Sharon and the whole thing seems kind of surreal to him. He said the whole thing is kind of funny to him. He's going to be a judge on America's Got Talent. He said he's going to be on NBC's number one show.
Howard said judging on American Idol doesn't seem to do anything. He said that it doesn't make a difference. Robin said that Steven was talking about how his heart his broken when people on that show tell him that they're told they can sing well by their uncle and people like that.
Howard said when he told Ronnie that his poem sucked he walked out of there. He said it is hard to tell people that stuff. He said he's not going to stroke someone who sucks. He said that there is no shame in not having that talent because most don't.
Robin asked if Sharon is doing the show. Howard said he's assuming she is. Howard said Howie is moving to New York to do the show. Howard said he's selling his house and moving there even though the show is only a couple of weeks long.
Howard said there's a lot going on with the America's Got Talent thing. He said that they're adding a fourth judge and he's not sure why they didn't tell him. He thought about it and then figured that it was no big deal because he doesn't have to do anything on that show. He said he just wants to be a judge and do his thing. He said he's going to give his opinion and go home. Howard said he's fine with a fourth judge.
Howard said that he has been planning everything on his show right down to his burps and now he can go on a show and just judge. Howard said they do all of the work and he just judges. Howard said this is the beauty of the whole thing. He doesn't need to get worked up.
Howard said sometimes four judges is too much and you have to sit through a lot of nonsense. Robin said she only wants to hear Howard. She said she likes Howie Mandel though. Howard said he thinks that the whole thing is beautiful because he doesn't have to worry about a single, friggin' thing.
Lisa asked if Ralph his going to be dressing him. Howard said he hasn't figured all of this out yet. He said he has to get on the phone and lock down where he's going to be staying and stuff like that. Howard said they have to work all of that out but he doesn't know anything yet. Howard said his agent seems to be living in Paris so he can't talk to him.
Howard said that he was signed to do the show and it's a beautiful thing. Howard said four judges is fine. He said that if it's a glamorous chick that's even better. Howard wondered who the glamour will be though.
Howard said that he's seen a whole shift in the National Enquirer and magazines like that. He said they had a made up story in there about his feud with Nick Cannon. Howard said there is no feud. Howard said they also had a tweet in there that he never wrote. Howard said he's in every tabloid now. Howard went through some of those stories. He read a story about how he's going to end up opening a string of Howard Stern talent agencies. He said they think that he's going to give birth to twins after he announces that in October.
Howard read the story about Nick Cannon and the feud. Howard said they were supposed to talk to Nick today but he's on vacation so they'll do that next week. Howard read the feud story and said that it's all horse shit. Howard said that maybe Nick doesn't like him but this feud thing is bullshit. Howard said this was in The Globe. Howard said he's heard that Nick is excited that he's going to be on the show. He said this story gets really ugly and he never said what they claim he said. Howard said they claim that Mariah blames her 2001 breakdown on him. Robin said that can't be true. Howard said they claim that last Spring he ridiculed Nick on Twitter. Howard said he doesn't remember this. He read that he wrote that Nick was going to change diapers because he's Mr. Mariah Carey and he'll do anything for that bitch. Howard said he never tweeted anything like that. He said that this is all bullshit. He said that he's all over the tabloids now though. He said maybe that's good. Howard said they claim that Nick called him ''ugly white trash'' but he doesn't remember that either.
Howard read more about the feud and how they had a battle going on when they spoke on the air earlier this year. Howard said that some of that was true but most of it was bullshit. Howard said they got a call that Nick wanted him on his show so he said sure. He said he was going to do it during vacation but then he was on vacation so they didn't do it. Howard said they're going to do it next week and they'll be on one another's show at the same time.
Howard said he didn't call Mariah a bitch. He said that you can research that on Twitter. He said he never did any such thing.
Lisa said that Sal Governale was diagnosed with a melanoma on his butt cheek. Lisa said he had it removed and the doctor says that tanning beds and the e-cigarettes could be a contributing factor. Howard said his only time his ass isn't covered is when he's in the tanning booth. She said the scar is huge. Howard TV showed a picture and Howard cringed. Howard said he hopes he never gets that shit. They dig really deep when they remove those things. Howard said he tanned as a kid but now he wears a huge hat to cover up when he's out on the beach.
Howard said that Richard made up a song about him going on America's Got Talent. He mentions how big his nose is in there. He said that Richard tries to say the word schnoz. He said that it just doesn't come out right. Howard played the song and it was ''TV Won't Fit Howard's Huge Schnoz.''
Howard said he was thinking about Richard and his dad. He watched a special on Discovery about a family that lives in the wilderness and lives off the land. Howard said they have no doctor or anything up there. He said they're like cavemen. He said the great thing is that the family is the singer Jewel's family. He said that they found this family and that's how she grew up. He said the whole thing is crazy. Howard said Jewel sent her a note about it and told him to watch it. Howard said he got halfway through it and Beth made him turn it off. they were about to slaughter a cow and she didn't want to watch.
Howard said that this guy on the show had been giving him milk for years and now he has to kill it and eat it. It was like killing a pet. Howard said the guy didn't think it was going to make it through winter. He said the guy thinks that he can tell that there's something wrong and he has to kill it. Howard said they have four months to kill shit and save it to last them the rest of the year.
Robin said there's a documentary about a guy who left everything and went up and lived like that. She said that he left there at the age of 80 because he wasn't able to function anymore. Howard said he wouldn't last 10 minutes like that.
Howard said Jewel told him it was her family and they had no idea it was her's when they filmed it. Howard said that the guys are like cave men and you can tell from watching. He said that all of the young dudes look like Jewel. He said that they're guys but they look just like her. Howard said they all look like her. He said you have to watch this show. Howard said Jewel is a good looking woman and even a guy who looks like her is a good looking dude. Howard said that the men are real men and women gush over them up there. Howard told Lisa not to get any ideas about this guy. He said this guy is a real man. He's no pussy.
Howard said that they spend their whole day getting food up there. He said it's a hard life. Robin said the guy in the documentary was all alone. She said that he'd talk to the bears and things like that. Robin said he would get a supply plane dropping things off. Robin said he'd run to the plane when it would show up. Howard said that the great thing is that they don't have to subscribe to any rules. He said they do have certain rules though. He said it's called ''Alaska The Last Frontier'' or something like that.
Lisa said that SternFanNetwork is back up and running. Howard asked if all of the haters are still on there. Lisa said she hasn't been on there yet. She said that Mutt has said that they can moderate themselves if they want. Howard said he's not going to do that. He said he should just shut the fucking site down. He said it's a Stern Hate Network, not a fan site. He said it's been run over by maniacs. Howard said there's no place to go if you're a fan.
Howard said he did get a lot of nice feedback about calling people at their homes. Howard said someone did say that his wife was a cunt and he was an asshole. He said it was just the one negative though. He said they had an Opie and Anthony image up on their account.
Lisa said that Eric the Actor will be shooting In Plain Sight this month and John Strauss is pretty sure it will happen.
Howard had a caller on the line who had the name of the show Robin was talking about. It was called ''Alone In The Wilderness.'' Robin said he filmed all of this stuff himself for his brother. The caller said he went in there when he was like 60 and then he left when he was like 80. Howard said the show he was talking about was called ''Alaska The Last Frontier.''
Howard said that he was wondering why Jewel married that rodeo guy. He said that he realized that she needed a real man. He said that's what she grew up with in Alaska. Howard wrapped up with Lisa and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he thought he heard Dick Clark in the clip as they were coming back. That led to him and Robin talking about Dick Clark on New Year's Eve and how odd he looked with a tan. Howard said Ryan Seacrest looked like a robot and he doesn't make any mistakes as he's talking. Howard said that it's really weird to watch. He said they have one asshole after another on the street and you wish that there was an anti-New Year's Eve show that pointed out how dumb they are. Howard said they had Jenny McCarthy and Ryan talking about what a great night it was. Robin said it's like the biggest group of assholes you've ever seen. Howard said Dick was struggling through the whole thing talking about how amazing it is with that slurred speech he has.
Howard said Dick is a great guy but the idea that he has to be on that show is ridiculous. Howard said the guy is 82 and he should be home watching the show with Kirk Douglas. Howard said they had more make up piled on him. He said that he had a fake tan too and it was just weird.
Howard said Ryan can't understand a thing Dick is saying. Robin said she thinks they put Dick in a box somewhere and he's not in New York. Howard said he's got to be in New York. They'd have to shut down the network if he wasn't really there.
Howard played a clip of Ryan throwing it to Dick Clark on New Year's Eve. Dick was talking about what a great party it was. Howard said they did beat the NBC coverage of the ball drop. He said that they beat it 3 to 1. He said people must love it.
Howard played more of Dick Clark mumbling and slurring his speech as he was talking about how great this party is. Howard said that he'd like to know what drives the guy. He said he's not sure why he has to be on TV. Robin said he won't talk to them about it so they may never know. Howard said he'd like to ask him what the point is. He figured that Dick would tell them that it's pussy that drives him.
Howard said he heard that Dick practices talking all year long just for this one night. Robin said he did keep up with the countdown this year. She said in the past he'd be behind a bit. Howard said the strength of the show is that he replays all of the clips of the past shows. Howard said they have clips from all of the years past and they play them during the special. Howard said that he thinks George Harrison got pissed that they got nothing from those replays.
Howard played more of Dick who said thanks to someone but Howard and Robin didn't understand what he said. They thought it was ''Nancy'' but it was actually Beyonce. Howard said it sounded kind of like Yancy. Howard said maybe he's speaking Icelandic. Howard let the clip play and Dick was talking about how people come in from all over the world to see that ball drop. Howard said he wants to know what his drive is.
Howard said he had some audio of Dick talking about Lady Gaga. He asked if Robin wanted to hear that. Of course she did. Howard played the clip and Dick said they had a whale of a moment coming up. He said people are wondering what Lady Gaga will do to entertain us tonight. Robin said that he had no energy in his voice so he shouldn't be talking about energy.
Howard said that people got mad at Justin Bieber for singing ''Let It Be.'' Robin said that C-Lo also changed the lyrics to ''Imagine'' and people weren't happy about that.
Howard said he's heard that Justin Bieber is so carried away with himself and he's a real dick to work with. Robin said that's a bad sign. Howard played some of Bieber's song. Howard said he can hear Beavis and Butt-Head goofing on that speech Justin made.
Howard was doing his impression of Dick Clark and talked about how he'd just stay home and let Ryan Seacrest handle the show. Robin said maybe he does nothing the rest of the year. Howard said maybe she's right.
Howard said he's heard from people in the industry that Bieber is a real dick. He said he's not going to say who told him that but he's heard he's a real pain in the ass. Howard said no one wants to hear Bieber's songs so that's why he did a Beatles song. Howard said at least they didn't have a rap guy come in and interrupt it. He and Robin did their impressions of what that might sound like. Howard played more of Bieber singing and said he was wondering who the chick was signing the song when he heard it.
Howard said he'd let him through to the next round on America's Got Talent. Howard said he saw that Carlos Santana was there playing and he thinks he has a problem with him. He said Carlos avoided him once at an event. He said he didn't seem to be all there when he was performing either.
Howard said he was pleased with Bieber's performance because it was a song he knew. Howard said after that Dick counted down. Howard played some of that audio too. Gary said he was off by a second from the count of 20. Howard said he was close. Robin said she's sure Dick never thought he'd be in that position where he can't talk. Dick counted down from 15 and got close to the actual count down. Fred threw in a Crackhead Bob clip as he was saying Happy New Year.
Howard said there is hope for him. He said that he's speaking better than this guy. Howard said he was thinking about how he could have fucked Jenny McCarthy so that was distracting him that night. He said that he's not single now but he did have the chance. He said she told him that he could have fucked her. So did Jillian Barberie. Howard said that he was starting in with Beth so he just didn't do anything with Jillian. Howard said it would have been great though.
Howard said that people wonder why they hired him to be on America's Got Talent. He said he's been in the industry for over 30 years. He said that they get upset that he's had naked women no the show but that's not that crazy. Howard said he was reading about the Parents Television Counsel trying to raise money using his name. He asked JD where he should begin with the news clips. JD told him what he had so Howard played some more of the clips where they were talking about his drunk dialing. Howard said a lot of people were saying it was revolutionary but he didn't think so at the time. Robin said that's what a revolutionary person does. They don't think about it. Howard played more of the news clips where they were reporting on his drunk dialing and talking about how he did all of this.
Howard said that Sirius should be kissing his balls for signing with America's Got Talent. He said most of management isn't talking to him anyway though. He said there will be no ball sucking going on. He said his efforts are basically being ignored. He said it's preferable that they don't pay attention to him anyway.
Howard played more reports about his drunk dialing and said that even the women seemed to enjoy hearing about it. He said they were fake laughing through the story. Howard had audio of Jillian Barberie talking about the drunk dialing thing too. Howard said there's a whole thing on YouTube showing her tittie outfits. He said that he could have banged her and she's so giddy over him. He said that's pretty cool. Robin said she's married. Robin said the guy is a real man too and he runs marathons and loses toe nails and it doesn't bother him. Howard said that as manly and cool as he is he still thinks that he could get Jillian. Robin said that he's probably very high on her list.
Howard said he could play a whole bunch of America's Got Talent clips. He said JD had them broken down into categories. Howard said he had one of Wendy Williams talking about him. He said he didn't think that Kelly Ripa was very supportive. JD said she was okay but even Michael Buble was supportive.
Howard played the Wendy Williams clip and her audience cheered when she announced that Howard would be the new AGT host. Howard said it all depends on the host's attitude. Wendy was very supportive of Howard. Howard said he's not sure what people think he's going to do on the show. He said it's not like he's going to pull down his pants and show his cock. He said that he won't tell a 9 year old to get the fuck out of there. He said maybe in the second episode he'll smack his sock against Howie's face. Howard said maybe on the third week he'll gang rape a juggler. He said he can't imagine what they think he's going to do on the show. He's just going to judge like anyone else. He said if he's lucky he'll be half as good as the Hoff.
Robin said if Steven Tyler is okay for a family show then Howard is fine. Robin said that Steven abandoned family and was a huge drug taker and womanizer. Howard said on the fourth episode maybe he's going to put his cock in a ventriloquist's mouth and tell him to perform.
Howard played more of Wendy Williams' discussion about how she thinks he'll do on AGT. Howard said his kids have made it just fine. He said one of them is going to be 30 on her next birthday. Robin said she doesn't know him. She said it's amazing how time flies. Howard said he had to do another commercial break. JD said he should finish Wendy Williams. Howard said he really had to take the break so that's what he did.
Howard came back and said that he heard this girl on X-Factor talking about what she was going to do with her $5 million. He said they don't give you a 5 million dollar check. Howard said that it's a recording contract and that doesn't mean you get 5 million.
Gary told Howard that he's been asked what the minimum age is for getting on America's Got Talent. Howard said that he's not even sure. He said he can't imagine that it's 5 years though. He said he thinks that they had a $250,000 prize for the winner but Will says that it's a million dollar contract. Howard said he ran into that guy who won this season and he heard that it's actually a good show.
Howard read an article where they say it is a million dollar prize but they pay it out in pieces over a few years. Howard said that you end up with about a half million. Robin read that it's paid over 40 years.
Howard said they should give the winner financial advice right on the air. Howard said that they probably need that. He said that they don't seem to understand what they're getting.
Robin said a 5 million dollar recording contract is money to make records. She said they might give an advance but you don't get $5 million to put in your bank account.
Howard said he watched the Kennedy Center Honors special over vacation. He said he liked it. He said he likes they way they produce that show. He said he actually liked the Neil Diamond stuff. He said Lionel Richie was really good. Gary agreed. He said he didn't know that ''Sweet Caroline'' was about Caroline Kennedy.
Howard said that Caroline Kennedy has a flab of skin under her chin that's pretty wild. He said that it was actually an interesting show. He said he didn't know anything about Yo-Yo Ma until he saw the show. He said that he was running around with a cello at 5 years old. He said he seems like a pretty happy dude with that thing. Robin said he can make a living with that thing so that's why he's so happy.
Howard said he has to hear the words to ''Sweet Caroline.'' He played some of Wendy the Retard singing it so he could hear the lyrics. He sang along with her. Howard said she should go on America's Got Talent. He said he's just kidding and there will be no joking around on that show.
One of the women on The View said she doesn't want Howard to just be mean to be mean. Howard said he's not going to do that. He said he's there to find talent. Elisabeth Hasselbeck was also defending Howard and gave him some support after reading some of what he said about the parents responsibility if they put kids on the show.
Howard said that he wanted to see some of the talent ahead of time but they said no to him. Howard said they were pretty nice to him on The View. Robin said they're basically saying he should be allowed to do it.
Howard played a clip of Kelly Ripa talking to Michael Buble about Howard being on America's Got Talent. Michael said he loves Howard. Howard said Robin was making fun of his music. Robin said she did but she was not alone. Howard played more of that and Kelly was wondering if Howard can do this night after night. Howard said it's just two nights. Kelly and Michael were talking about Howie Mandel too in that clip.
Kelly was saying that Howard is going to have to work a lot during the pre-taped shows. Howard said he's planning on going and giving his opinion and just leaving. He said he knows that those days will be long but he'll be on vacation when they shoot those shows.
Howard said he's wondering where he'll have to go when they have live music acts on the show and they move the judges. He's not sure what will go on but he knows they take the judges out of there. Robin said that it looks like they have a studio to hang out in during those segments. Howard said that he has to tell Howie not to fuck with him like he did with Piers. He said he's not good with pranks. He said he can dish it out but he can't take it. Howard said his reaction might be ''Oops, I killed Howie.''
Howard said that he has more clips to play. He had one in Spanish that he played. Howard said they really speak fast. He said that all he got was Piers Morgan and Howard Stern Controversial. Robin said they speak very fast in France too. Howard said he had his ass kicked by some Spanish guys when he was in high school. Those guys didn't even know his name though.
Howard said the Spanish guys weren't that bad to him. It was the black guys who were. Howard said that they have like a 94 percent black population there. Robin said in Iowa it's like 92 percent white. Howard said they're out of their minds out there. He said they have no ability to pick a candidate out there. Howard said they go from Herman Cain to Newt Gingrich to Ron Paul. He said they're all over the place.
Howard played a news clip of a reporter talking about Howard being on America's Got Talent. He kind of ran out of time and cut himself off in the middle of it.
Howard said that Billy Bush made fun of his nose on his show. Howard played that clip and Bush said that if they had to pay through Howard's nose there'd be nothing left at the network.
Howard said that Maria Menounos works on that show too. He said that he saw some pictures of her on vacation and she obviously knew she had her picture taken because she was too happy in the water. Howard said she's still got that belly button ring too. He said that seems kind of outdated.
Howard said that Bobo sent a Christmas tree and it was just a traditional kind of card. Nothing fun. Robin said that Sal sent out a video of him and his son with a gun and Sal takes it and blows up the kid in a fireball.
Bobo said that David Hinkley put something in his column about Howard's history of conflicts and how he has an issue with Sirius. Howard said he didn't think the article was negative. He said he thought that David was kind of excited about it. Howard said he's always had conflicts with his bosses and he can't think of any that he hasn't. He said even Randy Baumgarten, who he liked, had to fire him.
Howard said he can't imagine this whole thing going poorly. He said he just has to go in and judge. Bobo said they have like 10 million watching that show. Howard said it's 13 million. Robin said it'll probably drop off to 10. Howard said she might be right. He said his mom thinks that they're going to skyrocket.
Bobo said that Beth tweeted out a picture saying that she had just woken up to Howard taking pictures in her face. Howard said that was the first picture he took that day. Robin said she got a camera but now she has to take lessons to learn how to use it. She said you can't just read the manual and learn it. Howard said he can show her some basic stuff. Howard said he had to take another spot break but he wanted to take more calls.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's excited for Howard and getting on America's Got Talent. She asked if he called his fans because of that show and to change some opinions. She said he's never done anything like that. Howard said he's never had twitter before. He told the woman that he told the story about how Paul McCartney called him and that's what led to him calling people. She asked if he brought up the autograph thing with him. Howard said he didn't. He let her go and said he's really not that calculated that he'd call his fans to win people over.
Howard said he thinks it's funny that people are against him already and he's not even on the show yet. He said that they had David Hasselhoff on the show and he was drunk and eating a burger off the floor in a YouTube video.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Howard is going to struggle with being a judge because he's too nice. He said that they had a band competition in there and he was praising all of them. Howard said he could end up being Ellen Degeneres on this show. He said he might start crying like Nicole Scherzinger.
The caller said maybe they can have Ronnie come out and do a new poem every week. Howard said Ronnie has to calm down. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks he's better looking than Howie. Robin said yes. She said that there was a picture of Howard on the web and the headline was ''NBC Hires Pervert.'' She said it was an awful picture of him. Howard said maybe he shouldn't have taken this job. He said he was done with the scrutiny there on Sirius. Now all of a sudden he's got this going on. Robin said she thinks that he's going to start getting endorsement deals. Howard said he might get one with Pepsi. He said he'd say ''This shit is great and we start kids on it young and they become obese.'' Howard said he's not sure what product he would endorse.
Howard asked Jon what he has going on today. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show. Howard threw out some more things he could endorse. He said he'll endorse cigarettes and the most heinous products out there. Jon ran down a few more things they're going to cover today. Howard interrupted and asked if Jon's wife made it to the party. Jon said she wasn't able to make it. Howard said Ross' wife was in Hawaii. He said that Ross has to watch his skin because he still uses oil on his skin to tan. He said that Sal had skin cancer on his ass.
Howard asked Jon why his wife didn't make it. Jon said she had to go to a school function that night and she had to go so she wasn't able to make it. Howard said he figured the party was ruined when his wife didn't make it.
Jon ran down a few more things that they were going to cover today. He mentioned the Dick Clark clips and that led to them talking more about how they think he should stop doing those shows. Jon said his kids don't understand why he's still on the show. Howard said all he could do in the past was talk clearly and now he can't even do that. Robin said Dick would fire a guy if he ended up talking like that. Howard said it's enough and it's time to say goodbye. Howard said the guy even had his face pulled back. He said when you're 82 and been through what he's been through you just don't do that. He said he's not sure why he would go through that.
Robin got to her news and read about Katy Perry and Russell Brand ending their marriage. Howard said that she's only 23 years old and she's way too young to be marrying. Howard said they should have just fucked a little bit and moved on. Howard said they could have remained friends if they had done that. He said from what he read he thinks they didn't even have a pre-nup. Robin said she read that he blind sided her with the filing. Howard was corrected about Katy's age. She's actually 27. Howard said when you have that kind of career you have to be prepared to be on your own a lot. Robin wondered if Brand expected her to stop everything. Howard said he may have. He may have wanted her to have a baby.
Robin read about Steven Tyler's interview with Oprah. She also read about Minka Kelly getting back together with Derek Jeter. Howard said that chick is so hot and he's not sure why she'd get back with him after he dumped her. Howard said she could find so many guys that would worship her ass. Howard said she's going to end up getting all hagged out and end up without a husband.
Howard said that Derek Jeter isn't that hot from what he's heard from women. He said that he has a big, round moon head. He said he should grow some hair too.
Robin read about Aretha Franklin announcing she's engaged to her long time companion. William Willie Wilkerson. Howard said that's great. Robin said she had a tough year and some health scares. Robin said Lebron James also got engaged over the holidays. Michael Jordan did too. Howard went to commercial break after that.
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to a wrestling show. Fred also played Crosby Stills and Nash ''Carry On'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that Gary was asking if he had to go out and do promotion for America's Got Talent. Howard said he told them he wasn't going to do that stuff. He said they do pre-shows and stuff but that's all he'll be doing. Howard said he's not even going to the Up Fronts. He said he told them up front that he wasn't going to be going to all of that bullshit. Gary said he must have to do some promotion. Gary said he has to do promos for what's coming up and things like that. Howard said if he's sitting around and they want to shoot something like that then he's fine with it. He said he'll just get the look alike to do them or something. He said if he's sitting around at the show and not doing anything he'll shoot promos. He might do press photos or something too but he's not going to do press conferences. Howard said that's not what he signed up for. Gary said they must love him if they're going to let him get away with that. Howard said he's not doing any press. That's what Don told them.
Howard said he's obligated to judge and that's it. He said he might go on David Letterman or maybe Matt Lauer's show to promote it too. But only if he wants to. Howard said he doesn't need to do this stuff if he doesn't have to. Gary asked if he'd appear on the cover of a magazine if it was just him. Howard said that he might do it. Gary asked what he'd do if Howie and Sharon got upset. Howard they have a great gig and they must be getting paid well. There's no reason to be unhappy.
Howard said he has no problem talking sense to people. If they have a problem they can come see him. He said Sharon knows how the game is played. He said that maybe she'll come to his trailer and tell him that Ozzy isn't fucking her good enough. He might help her out. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read about this family that had 19 kids and had a miscarriage with the 20th. Robin said they posted pictures of the fetus after the miscarriage. Robin said they had a little caption under it saying that even the smallest feet can have an impact. They're throwing their support behind Rick Santorum. Howard said that's how wacky people are in Iowa.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw the Howard TV special with Beetlejuice in it. He liked the music mash up at the end. The guy who did it was Steve Porter from Porterhouse Media according to Doug Goodstein. Howard said that guy is great and you have to see the episode. Howard said that caller was from America but they all had a problem understanding what he said.
Robin said that people are finding kidneys on Facebook. Robin said that she saw a woman on TV show who gave her kidney away to a guy she found on Facebook. Howard said he may get one to keep in strange. He said it seems like a lot of people need them. Robin said her cat's first anniversary for her kidney transplant is coming up. She said the cat is doing great and running around like her old self. Robin said Leroy is doing well after donating one of his kidneys.
Howard mentioned they have Riley Martin and his wife coming in soon. Seth Rogen will be coming too. Robin said that Riley and his wife actually mean more to her than Seth.
Robin read a story about a car crash and how a bunch of people jumped in the water and helped the family escape. Robin said they lucked out and saved them. Howard said that he'd be more like Ted Kennedy and just go home and go to sleep if he saw an accident. Howard did his Kennedy impression as he talked about that.
Robin had some audio of the guy who drove the car into the water talking about how thankful he is to the people who responded. Robin said this was in Utah and the water was freezing cold. Howard read a live commercial a short time later.
Howard said he was listening to Deep Tracks the other day. He heard ''Look Into the Sun'' by Jethro Tull. He asked Robin if she knows that. Robin and Fred both said they don't know it. Howard said that Ian Anderson makes the flute look cool. Fred played the song and said he's really not familiar with it. Howard said they play the best music on that channel. Howard said they talk about Pandora and all of that but on Sirius they have DJs talking and picking out the music for you. He said this stuff is nostalgic to him. Robin said she does know this song. Howard said of course she does. Howard said that channel is the reason that he talked about Paul McCartney and that's why Paul ended up calling him. He said it's thanks to that channel that Paul called. Howard had Fred play some of McCartney's ''Oo You'' while he was talking about it.
Howard said another great song is a Steve Winwood song. Howard said that there's one note in the song that hits him. He let the song play until that note and then cut it off so Robin could get back to her news.
Robin had some audio of Mitt Romney talking about President Obama. Howard said he's the only one who seems halfway normal. Howard said Ron Paul is a really wacky guy. Robin said that Romney is in the lead in the Iowa polls right now. He's not in a huge lead with only 24 percent. Robin said that Newt Gingrich is down to 12 percent.
Robin read about how the British are asking women to have certain silicone breast implants removed. She had audio of one woman talking about the pain she's had after her implants leaked. She said it's just awful. Howard said of course it is. Fred played some Beavis and Butt-Head clips during that discussion.
Howard said he has to compliment Mike Judge on one of the latest Beavis and Butt-Head episodes. He said they think there's a whore house where this guy is picketing and saying ''Whores! Fornicators!'' He said it was a great episode.
Robin read more about the breast implant story and how they have seen a large number of these implants leaking. Fred played some explosion sounds as the guy was talking about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has to give some criticism about Howard going on America's Got Talent. He asked how he's going to judge when he thinks that Justin Bieber did a good job with that song he sang on New Year's Eve. Howard said that he's just in touch with what sells. He said that he knows what people like and he's in touch so he will do a good job on the show. He said he has to be in touch with what America is going to buy.
Robin read about some recent attacks on Muslim mosques. Robin also had some news about some arson fires set in Los Angeles. Robin said they say that it may be a German man who has some immigration issues.
Robin said that they found some human remains at Queen Elizabeth's estate on New Year's day. Howard said that would be cool if she was a serial killer. He said it would be a great follow up to Dexter. Robin said they haven't released the cause of death yet.
Robin read about Joren Van Der Sloot going to trial for the death of a 21 Peruvian girl.
Robin read about how the price of lottery tickets is going up. Robin said they're raising it for the Power Ball ticket from one dollar to two. Robin said they say there will be bigger jackpots because of that. Howard asked why it would have to go up. He said it doesn't make any sense. Robin said they say that they're trying to differentiate from other lotteries.
Robin read about Kelly Clarkson who posted something on Twitter about Ron Paul being her candidate. Howard said that guy is really out there. Robin said that Kelly's record sales don't seem to be affected by this. Robin had Howard play some of her new song.
Robin said that Paul McCartney has said that his band plays every note and sings the real thing unlike so many other bands do now. He said that's what people are there to see. Robin said you're not there to hear a record play.
Robin said that Chelsea Handler has a new sitcom starting on the 11th of this month. She had some audio of her talking about the new show. Howard said she talks really fast. He said that she should be speaking Spanish. Howard wondered what network she was on. Gary said that it's on NBC. Howard said she's part of the family that he's going to be a part of. Howard said he might have to talk to her at the up fronts. Robin said she's friends with Jennifer Aniston. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon and Gary talked about Howard and how he's saying he won't be doing any promotion for America's Got Talent. Gary said he's not sure how he's getting away with that since those Up Fronts are a huge deal for the networks.
Jon asked Gary if he was surprised that Howard was doing the drunk dialing thing. Gary said that he did get the number for Mariann for Howard. He said that Ass Napkin Ed thought that Howard's account was hacked because of the way he was tweeting who he was calling. Jon said Howard seemed to have a good time doing that. Jon said they have to talk about that and about Sal getting a melanoma removed from his ass.
Gary said he thought it was funny that Sal told him his wife didn't seem too upset about the whole thing. Gary said Sal told him a story about how they went out to dinner and the other woman started crying and the guy was asking if he was okay. He said his wife was just eating away. Gary said Sal isn't sure if his wife gives a shit if he lives or dies.
Jon asked Gary if he had a good time at the holiday party. Gary said he had a great time. Jon asked if anyone was trying to be noticed at the party. Gary said Ronnie was but that's to be expected. He said that Ronnie did say he was going to stop getting really drunk but he got pretty drunk that night. Jon said he was the center of attention and he'd like to know if he thought that Howard wouldn't be offended by those lines in his poem.
Gary said he knows what Ronnie was going for and he wasn't trying to offend him. Gary said he'd be more upset about the comment about Beth being his ''new wife.'' Jon said you want to be sure that you're complimenting your boss when you do something like that. He said that JD even though twice about reading it. Jon said they had to go to break before talking more about that.
After the break, around 10:35am, Jon came back and asked Benjy about his unusual outfit at the party. Benjy said that he took Jon's advice and just hung out at a table and waited for people to come to him to talk. Gary said he did make a bit of a grand entrance. He said he showed up late too. Benjy said he was a half hour before the buffet came out. Gary said he was the last one that got there. He said he's not even sure who Benjy is anymore. He said he's not acting like himself anymore. Gary said Benjy was playing this reclusive guy who wasn't talking to anyone. Benjy said he wasn't in a corner. Gary said he didn't mingle and last year he was mingling a lot. He said he felt that they were sort of playing characters.
Benjy said he's not sure why people thought Elisa wasn't being friendly. He said that he felt she was being friendly. He said he was being friendly too. Gary said he sat down with him for a little bit and he was acting kind of odd. He said that they were just positioned to see everyone but not dealing with people. He said he ate there and then got up since there wasn't much conversation. Gary said he can't even explain it but it was like they were in the back of a car in a parade. He said they were moving their heads but not really talking to anyone. He felt he wasn't being himself.
Jon said that Benjy is wrong about being late. He said he was late. He said maybe he had it wrong but it seemed like he was trying to make an entrance. Benjy said he saw people come in after him. Gary asked who it was. Benjy said there were people who came in after him. Gary said they were there who went out for a smoke and came back in. That's not being late. Gary said Benjy wasn't there on time. Benjy said he was there before the food came out.
Jon asked Benjy if he picked the outfit out. Benjy said Elisa picked it out for the most part. Gary said he looked good but it wasn't Benjy. He said it was a weird character. Benjy said it wouldn't have been his top choice for an outfit. He said he procrastinated so that's what he ended up wearing.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why they keep feeding into this Benjy Vortex. Gary said he was just asking himself that in his head. The caller said it goes on and on and doesn't stop. He said they get on it and go over it over and over.
Jon said he'll move on but Jason just came in so he can't move on yet. Jason talked about how funny it was when he showed up. He said he was in his thoughts most of the night. He said he thought it was hilarious at first. He was laughing but then he figured it was a great ''fuck you'' to them for talking about him on the Wrap Up Show. He said that he just went all in and showed up in a costume. Then he thought that there was no reason to give them a fuck you and he wondered why he would do that. Gary asked who he thinks that he'd direct it at. Jason said maybe Lisa G. He said maybe the other squares on the outside are the ones who are getting the fuck you. He said he doesn't mean that in a harsh way though. He said he's just going all in and making it all about him. Gary said Will said that he does have balls for doing that. Jon said he does.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they can agree that Ronnie is socially retarded. He said he can identify one when he sees one. Jason said he gets very social when he drinks and he's very touchy feely.
Jon said that Ronnie walked out of the studio today. He had a clip from the show when that happened. After the clip Jon asked Ronnie why he walked out. Ronnie said he was done. He said he felt ambushed. He didn't see this coming today. Gary said everyone else did. Gary said he knew that Ronnie wouldn't see it coming.
Jon asked Ronnie why he thinks that it went down the way it did. Ronnie said he was trying to complimenting Howard and it didn't translate in Howard's head like that. He said he was trying to compliment him in the poem after that. He said that he was just saying that some people call him an ass.
Jon said that Fred told Ronnie to remove that line from the poem. Ronnie said Fred never said a word to him about that.
Jon asked JD about that line and what he thought. JD said he had second thoughts about reading it but he wanted to be as entertaining as everyone made it out to be. He can see how Ronnie was trying to say something nice in a weird way but he can see Howard's side of it too.
Benjy said at the time he didn't think it was that bad. He said he was just trying to say that they all love Howard.
Ronnie said he's done with poems. He said he's done now. Jon asked why. Ronnie said he has to be kidding him. He said he's not sure why Howard thinks he insulted his wife. Gary said he called Beth his ''new wife.'' Ronnie said he never said that. Jon said that it wasn't part of his poem but when he made his speech he absolutely said it. Ronnie didn't remember that.
Gary asked Ronnie about what went on with Scott's wife. Ronnie said that she apologized to him and to Stephanie for what she said and that's all water under the bridge now. Jon asked why Howard thought he was loaded when he got there. Ronnie said he wasn't and he didn't even do any shots. Ronnie said he wasn't that drunk that night. He said that he was messing around with Doug and he remembers the speech he gave. He said that Doug is always taping and he can't just have a night of fun with that guy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said if Howard has such a problem with Ronnie he should stop putting him on the air. He said if he thinks he should shape up Howard is the one who should say something about it. Jason said he was surprised that Ronnie walked off the show. He said he figured if it was a real problem Howard would have kicked him out.
Jon asked if this came out of nowhere this morning. Ronnie said it did. He said when he picked Howard up this morning he was saying Happy New Year and all of that. Ronnie said he just doesn't get it. He said all he did was hit him below the belt. He didn't bring up any good stuff. Ronnie said he got great shit on Twitter for hosting the Best of 2011. He said he'd rather hammer him to death on the air.
Gary asked if he really expects him to praise him on the air for that. Ronnie said he doesn't but he never thought he'd get stabbed. Jason said this is what Howard makes fun of him about. He said he gets positive feedback from a few people on Twitter and he thinks that it's the biggest thing. Ronnie said that's just not true.
Jon asked Ronnie if he expected anyone to have his back. Ronnie said no one has your back here. He said you can be 100 percent right and no one will have your back.
Benjy said that Ronnie wasn't out of control at the party. He said he felt he knew what he was doing. Jason said one guy at the party who was the drunkest there didn't do anything. He said he has an answer for the guy he thinks was the most drunk. He said that he's pretty sure the guy didn't know who he was at a certain point of the party. Ronnie asked who he was talking about. It turns out it was Jon Leiberman.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that it felt like Howard was really going off on Ronnie too much today. He said Howard cut the poem off right after the ass comment. Ronnie had some nice things to say after that. Jason said that's the last line people heard that night. They heard that and it was the biggest line of the night.
Gary asked Ronnie if he heard Robin's speech that night. Ronnie said he didn't hear it. He said he remembers making the speech at the party and he told Doug that he didn't remember it. Then he did an impression of Doug that Jason thought was funny. He said he has Doug's facial expressions down just right. They went to break a short time later
Doug said he was just trying to get Ronnie's reaction that day and he will erase the video right now if he wants him to. Doug said he'll show it to everyone first and then delete it.
Ronnie said he remembered making that speech. Benjy asked if he blanked out that night. Ronnie said he didn't black out. He said if you black out you end up on the floor. Gary said that's not what a black out means. He said that you just forget stuff. Ronnie said that's just not remembering. JD said maybe it's early Alzheimer's. Benjy asked if it's really ''early.''
Ronnie and Doug were still arguing about the filming at dinner that night. Doug said that they shoot Ronnie all over the place when he makes appearances. Ronnie said that's work. He said they weren't working that night at dinner.
Jason said that he's been to the Goodstein's house and none of that has ever ended up on TV. Ronnie asked why. Jason said he's not sure. Doug said he doesn't want to hurt Ronnie's feelings. Ronnie said Doug just can't separate work from having a social night out. Doug did ask Ronnie if he could tape him that night and Ronnie said he knew he'd bring it up.
Jon asked Ronnie if he feels that Doug has him on a string and how long he's felt that way. Ronnie said it's not new. He said every time he goes out it turns into a camera thing. Doug said that happens with anyone who goes out with people from work. Doug said he saw it from his New Year's Eve party.
Ronnie said Doug said something wild that night. He said that Doug was asking his wife, Marlo, if she had any chips in the house and all they had was open Kettle Corn. Doug said they just opened it that day. He also said that Ronnie was supposed to show up and hang out for 10-15 minutes, not an hour like he did. Doug said that he opened the bag that day. Jason was laughing at how lame that ''shocking'' story was from Ronnie.
Ronnie said he ended up with the crumbs in the bowl. He said he felt bad for his kid because Doug asked if she wanted some and there was nothing but crumbs in there. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done by 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about the jam packed show they had coming up. They have Riley Martin and his wife coming in with other surprises. Howard brought up the Iowa caucuses that happened yesterday. He said they have a lot of evangelicals out there in Iowa so they have some pretty wacky voting. Howard said they had a different front runner every week out there. Howard said they had a lot of wack job candidates out there. He said that Newt Gingrich doesn't really want to be President. He just wants to sell books. Howard said that's what happened to Herman Cain too. He didn't really want to be president.
Robin said that Rick Santorum was only 8 votes behind the front runner. Howard said that Mitt Romney will be the front runner after Santorum crows about his big win. Howard said that caucus doesn't even really matter.
Howard said that you start looking into Rick Santorum and you see what his history is. He said that he makes a lot of gaffs and a lot of weird statements. Howard said that they really like him out there in Iowa because his wife will never get an abortion. He's so anti-abortion that he has something like 7 kids. He said that they need more Santorums out there so they never abort. Howard said they had one pregnancy recently and it had some rare genetic disorder that could kill the mother but she kept the kid. Howard said a rational person would say that they have 7 kids and they have to take care of them so they won't risk her life. He said he thinks her fever spiked and they had to operate to get the thing out of her but she refused. Howard said she had to go to term with it.
Howard said there was a tragedy recently where this kid told the parents to take the fire out of the fireplace so Santa could come down the chimney. The parents put the ashes in a plastic bag and put it outside and it ended up burning down the whole house. He said the dopey parents should have just told the kid there is no Santa or tell the kid that he could get in there no matter what. Howard said he feels bad about that because a bunch of kids died in that.
Howard said this Rick Santorum's wife was risking her life to die if she had this kid. He said you have to be rational. He said this is why this guy can't be president. He said this guy should have said to his wife that he didn't want her to die. Howard said she had a 105 degree temperature. Robin said she was cooking the baby in there. Howard said this woman had the baby prematurely and then they decided to have another baby after that. Howard said we're completely over populated in this world and we're over run with unwanted children and no one is taking care of them.
Howard said this is the logic of religious zealots. He said that this woman gets pregnant again and the doctor tells them that the kid has another rare genetic disorder and it's going to be miserable. They say no abortion again. Howard said they say no way and then the kid ends up living and it has very serious medical conditions. Howard said that it's a life of pain and misery for the kid. He said that they can't even comprehend the pain that the kid is going through. He said he doesn't know about this particular case but he's seen birth defects. He said that his own mother was told that he was happy like a mongoloid. He said he basically smiles like a retard.
Howard said he's being serious here. He said when you decide to have a child who is going to be in a life of pain you're basically sentencing the being to a life of pain. It might as well be on fire.
Howard said you have to pay taxes and of course there should be less government waste. Howard said you have to factor this stuff in. Howard said the government wastes money and of course you don't want to punish businessmen. He said this is a pretty great country. He said we have a lot here in this country. Howard said there are people out there who think we shouldn't pay taxes and things like that. Howard said Ron Paul is like that. Howard said there are things he agrees with but there are things we like in this country. We love our cars and the highways we drive on. He said some of that has to be regulated by government. He said it's not always done well though.
Howard said the wackos in Iowa are giving these people their day. Robin said that Santorum has problems with homosexuals getting married too. Howard said he was thrown out of Pennsylvania by losing by 18 percent. He said that's a big fuck you.
Howard said he thinks that Romney is going to get the nomination. He said once they get out of Iowa and to some rational people they'll go with Romney. He said that they're into the pageantry of it out there. He said it's fun for them to be involved in all of this.
Howard said this Rick Santorum is all excited today. He said maybe they'll have even more babies. He said they can just keep having more and more. why stop at 7? He said it's silly, we need more babies. Howard said even if they tell you the baby won't be born alive and it will kill you, just keep going. He said this kind of logic is going to ruin this country.
Howard said he's going to go judge on America's Got Talent. He said he's an imbecile and that's what he's going to do. That's the great thing about this country. He said he can go do that if he wants to.
Howard said he feels bad for this family that died from the ashes. He said that you can't clear the fireplace of embers, into a plastic bag, for Santa. There is no Santa Claus.
Robin said he talked about a couple of different ways to get it done. Howard said he thinks he talks about that in the article. Howard read through some of that and found where he talks about that. Howard said when it comes to operating on your penis you probably go with the more expensive option. Howard said maybe he should go get his operated on to make it bigger.
Howard said once you hit 21 or 22 you should stop asking your mom for money. Robin said there are some who are 30 who still do. Howard said there's a serious issue there if you're doing that. Howard said you have to stop at some point.
Howard said it must be a tough conversation to ask for money for a penis at his age. Howard said Chaz says he's going to raise the money himself.
Howard said he thinks he owes some thanks to Chaz. He said the Parents Television Counsel was against him for being on Dancing with the Stars and he went on anyway. Howard said logically ABC ignored the PTC and put Chaz on. He stayed on the show longer than anticipated. Howard said no one turned gay after watching him or anything. Howard said now the PTC looks a little more goofy because of that. Howard said the whole thing is so stupid and ridiculous. Howard said no one knows what he's going to be doing on America's Got Talent and this is making him look a little better. Howard said Chaz proved to the network that the PTC is ridiculous.
Howard said he saw that Oprah finally got some ratings with that show. Robin said that she was saying that the jealousy was the biggest kept secret in the industry. Howard mentioned a bunch of things that are well known about that stuff and pointed out how out of touch she really is.
Howard said Oprah is better off with damaged women on her show. She knows about that. Robin said Steven talked about abandoning his family and things like that. Robin said that Liv Tyler talked about that with Oprah too. She said that she fears abandonment and things like that.
Howard said Oprah finally got some people to tune in. Robin said she's going to have to do a 5 day a week show to keep the ratings on that network.
Ronnie came in and Howard tried to explain to him that he has to listen to what he has to say and maybe he'll understand. Ronnie said he will never understand. Howard told him to just listen to him and maybe he will. Ronnie said there's no way that poem is offensive. He said it wasn't meant to be offensive.
Ronnie said that Howard wanted him to write the poem for the holiday party. Howard said he never asked him to do it. Howard said he gave Ronnie the idea for hot chick of the week and he has some good ideas. Ronnie said the poem wasn't meant to be offensive.
Howard said he's going to explain it to him. Ronnie said he can talk until he's blue as his console and he will never understand it. Howard said he's going to try one more time. Ronnie told him not to waste his time. Howard said he's going to do it anyway. Ronnie said he'll listen but he won't listen.
Howard told Ronnie that they had this holiday party and Ronnie wrote this poem where the lines were:
Some people think the host is an ass.
Some people say that he's crass.
Howard said he's going to write something about Ronnie. He had some lines about people saying that Ronnie is a dumb Jew and things like that. Howard asked if he was offended by that. Ronnie said no. Howard figured he didn't get it then. Howard asked why he would bring up that people think he's an ass. Ronnie said it wasn't meant to be offensive. Howard said there was no reason to put it in the poem then.
Howard asked if he got through to him at all with that explanation. Ronnie said maybe a little bit. He said he was writing a poem about the holiday party and it wasn't about him until the end. He said that the end of the poem is where he brought up Howard. Howard asked why it matters where it comes up. Ronnie said he was writing about how much fun they have with the party.
Howard asked Ronnie if he wrote a poem for his party and said that Ronnie is robbing the cradle with his girlfriend, why would he do that? Ronnie said he didn't think he was going to offend him. Ronnie said he doesn't give a fuck about what people say about him. Howard told him to forget that. He said for anyone who is at a party you don't have to bring up that people think he's an ass. Ronnie said he didn't mean it like that.
Robin tried talking to him too but Ronnie just refused to listen to the explanation. Robin asked if he would write that in a thank-you note. Ronnie said he wouldn't do that in a personal note. Ronnie said he can't win around there and he will never write another poem. He said he keeps saying that he insulted him but he didn't do that.
Howard asked Ronnie what he would write to him in a personal note if he gave him a gift. He asked if he would say that some people think he's an ass. Ronnie said he wouldn't do that. He said that's because it's a personal note he's writing. Howard said he got up in public and did it. He said Ronnie wrote it. Ronnie said he doesn't think he's an asshole. Howard said he knows that but he wouldn't write it in a thank-you note. He said it embarrasses him. Ronnie said he's sorry but he still doesn't get it.
Ronnie said he didn't know Howard got so sensitive. He said he wasn't calling him an ass. Robin said he was too. He said he was saying that some people say that he's an ass. Ronnie and Robin went back and forth arguing for a few seconds. Howard said this is probably how school was for Ronnie. Ronnie said he still doesn't understand but he's going to make Howard happy because he has to make him happy.
Howard asked Ronnie why he was yelling ''what about me?'' at the party. Ronnie said he didn't do that. Howard asked if he was surprised he ended up dancing with Scott's wife. Ronnie said they apologized to one another and he didn't want to start anything with her so they made up and ended up dancing. He said he ignored her at first and then she came over and started talking. She apologized and they made up. Robin said she realized what she had done to him and considered what she had done.
Ronnie said he had a thing with Benjy yesterday too. Howard said this is a good point. Howard said Ronnie commented on Benjy's girlfriend and how he felt she blew off his own girlfriend. Ronnie said that Benjy and Elisa were sitting in a booth and they were sitting there like they should go over and say hello.
Ronnie said his girlfriend, Stephanie, went over to say hello to Benjy and she was touching his hat and goofing around about what he was wearing. Elisa got very protective of him and told Stephanie to get the fuck away from him. Not in those words but that's the attitude that Stephanie thought she was getting. Ronnie said Benjy thought he came in and started saying ''look at these fucking idiots'' but he never said that. Ronnie said that they think he had a black out there at the party but he didn't.
Howard asked Ronnie about the way Elisa was acting toward Stephanie. Ronnie said that she got upset about her touching his hat. Benjy said when they walked in... Ronnie said he didn't want to talk about that. He said that he didn't say anything about them when they walked in. Benjy said that he did say ''look at this asshole.'' Ronnie said no one will say they heard him say that. Benjy said there are people who will say they heard it. Ronnie said he didn't say it and he wasn't blacked out.
Benjy said he's not making this stuff up. Ronnie said he makes a lot of stuff up around there. Benjy said this paints the scene a little bit. Benjy said he doesn't remember exactly what happened but Stephanie was touching his hat. Benjy said she started to take it off. Ronnie said that didn't happen. Howard said most guys like it when girls start doing that kind of thing. Benjy said he thinks that Elisa just didn't want him to be hatless so she asked her to stop. Howard asked why Elisa has to speak up for him. Benjy said he thinks he was speaking up on his own. He said that it was fun but she was poking fun at his outfit.
Ronnie said that they got into it in the hallway yesterday. He said that out of nowhere they were standing there and Brian Phelan walked up and said that his girlfriend was a total cunt at the party. Benjy said that wasn't very nice. Ronnie said that's how it got started. Howard said he didn't know there were so many bad feelings there. Ronnie said he had fun there. Howard said he had fun. Benjy said he had fun too.
Ronnie said he got a call from Benjy and Elisa yesterday and she was kind of apologizing to him so things are fine. Benjy said when people are new in a situation like that they may be shy and it may come across as arrogant or something. Ronnie said that Stephanie was trying to be friendly. He said that she's always been able to joke around with Benjy in the past. It was just this time that there was a problem. Benjy said he doesn't get the point. Howard said he's saying that they cant clown around with him now that he's with Elisa.
Ronnie said he explained it to Elisa yesterday and she understood. Howard said he doesn't understand why Ronnie doesn't understand.
King of All Blacks called in and he thinks that Ronnie wrote that poem because he thanks Howard is an asshole. Howard said he might be right. Ronnie said that King does everything he can to stick a knife in his back. He said he really doesn't care what he thinks anyway. He said he's not going to do that to Howard after how good he's been to him. Ronnie told King to go buy his Lexus and faucets and all of that. He said he has better things to do. He doesn't want to listen to him. King kept trying to talk but Ronnie kept talking over him.
King eventually got to talk and said that he could be married for 25 years and never love your wife. He said that could be what's going on with Howard too. Howard said he's wasting his breath because Ronnie left.
Howard said he got a voice mail from Elisa last night and she was saying she was sorry if she did anything to offend him. Howard said he had no problem with her at all.
Howard said Robin almost got through to Ronnie when she asked about the thank-you note. He said it didn't quite work though. Howard said Ronnie has to write one more poem.
Robin said Eric thought he would never be a judge on America's Got Talent. Eric said he was wrong and he was calling to congratulate him for that. Howard thanked him for that.
Eric said that he has a story line for a show where he can be in it with Howard. Howard asked if he'd sit on his lap on America's Got Talent. Eric said no way. He said he's 37 years old and he's not going to sit on his lap. Howard said he thinks it would be pretty cool to have him on his lap. Howard said he wouldn't really do that on that show anyway.
Eric said that he'd like to be on ''Person Of Interest'' with Howard. Howard said that's great but he has to get going. He said he has Riley Martin and his wife there. Howard said he'd like to be hooked up with a guy who has seen aliens.
Howard said he's thinking of acquiring the rights to ''Ironside'' and put Eric in it. Howard asked if he'd be willing to play the part. Eric said sure. Howard said he thinks they could shoot it for Howard TV. He said that they'd do the same scripts but Eric would play Ironside. Howard said he'd watch that. Robin said she might get hooked. Howard said you have to see at least one episode to see what's going on.
Eric said he saw the show ''Work It'' and he thinks it's going to fail. Howard said that he has no desire to see dudes dressing up like chicks.
Eric said he has some of his ideas for ''Person of Interest.'' Robin told him to write it down and send in the ideas. Howard said he can do that and he'll write down some ideas for Ironside.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that they did a teaser for X-factor on the Super Bowl last year. He's wondering if they're going to do that for NBC this year with Howard. Howard said he hasn't shot anything yet so maybe not. He said they haven't brought it up yet. Howard said they did ask him to do a 30 second shoot where you'd see his arm rapidly moving in the background. Then it says ''Coming this summer... Howard!'' He said he hopes he didn't ruin it.
The caller said that he watched the New Years Eve thing with Dick Clark and he told his wife he couldn't wait to hear what Howard had to say about all of that. Howard said he still can't believe how much make up and tan Dick had. They spent a few seconds on that and then went to break.
Howard said that Riley was there and he has an entourage with him today. He said he has about 6 people there. Howard said Riley's wife came in too and she's gorgeous. Howard said she really is a beautiful woman. He said she looks normal and hot too. Howard said he'd make beautiful love to her.
Howard asked how Riley got this woman. Riley said that she is beautiful. He said you don't mess with the space cowboy. Riley's wife said that it was because of Howard's show that she met Riley. She said it was in 1996 and she was the one who pursued him. Howard asked if she believes in the aliens. She said she always has since she was a child. Robin said he must not come home and talk about this stuff. Riley said he wrote his book ''The Coming of Tan'' 25 years ago and they have been revealing many of the concepts in the book these days.
Howard asked Riley's wife, Joy, if she could get plenty of men. She said she didn't have a problem with that. Howard said that she looks terrific. Howard asked if Riley is a great lover. Joy said of course he is. Howard asked when he proposed. Joy said she wanted to back up a bit. Joy said in 1996 she was in a tanning bed in New Hope, Pennsylvania. She said the girl before her had Howard's show on and she wasn't a listener. She said she heard Riley's voice and it was the subject matter that drew her in. Joy said she wasn't abducted or anything. She said that she called the number that Riley gave out on the air and she went to get the book from the publisher. Joy said that it was hard to get to Riley. She said that he wrote in his book on page 313 that he doesn't give out his address but those who were meant to meet him would eventually meet him.
Howard said that he goes up a notch when he's seen with this woman. Howard asked if he makes love to her 4 or 5 times a week. Riley said it's more. They don't live together though. Joy said there are a few reasons for that. She said that the first place they were in had really bad energy. Joy said a lot of bad things happened there. She said that she does rescue birds and Riley smokes. She said that they had ghosts in the last place.
Riley said that he can't do his work with 12 birds in the house. He said that she's self sufficient so she can live on her own. He said that she's a teacher. Howard asked if Riley is good to her. She said he is. Howard said that some people think that he's gay because he lives with Eron but Riley said that those people are dunces. He said they're probably republicans too. Riley said they don't screen the calls so that's the kind of thing that gets through.
Howard asked if Riley has to take Viagra or anything. Riley said he does not. Howard asked Joy if she was shocked by the size of Riley's penis. Joy said that she doesn't want to comment on that. Howard asked Riley if he's big and thick. Riley said that he should think of what he has and double it. Howard said that's not saying much.
Riley said that love is more than a simple marathon. Howard asked if he's a great lover. Joy said yes. Howard asked if he's bigger than 9 inches. She said that she can't talk about that. She said there's more to it than that. She said that there's a spiritual thing to it. Howard said he thinks that Riley is more than 9 inches spiritually.
Howard asked Joy if she thinks that Riley complains to him too much about money. Riley said that's bullshit. He said he's been working there for 7 years. Howard said that he gave Riley the show because he likes Riley. He said it's not the kind of show that you get paid a lot of money. He said if he wants to make a living off of it then he'd have to get a big audience on terrestrial radio. Riley said that they do have a large audience. Howard said he should go somewhere else then. Riley said he can send him the pink slip then. Howard said he won't do that because he likes him on the channel. Riley said he'd like 2 more hours per week. Howard said that's too much Riley. Howard said he's like a spice show. Howard said he's not doing this to punish him. He said he thought it would be a fun thing to do an hour a week. He said it's not meant to make him a living.
Riley said he does the show to give out information and he figured that he'd give him a stipend that would make it easier for him to live. Howard said Joy was talking him down and telling him to calm down. Howard asked how often she has to do that. Fred played a clip of one of her birds cawing and she recognized it immediately.
Howard asked Joy how she met Riley. She said that she went to where his publisher lived and met him there. She said that Riley came over and hugged her and it was a feeling like she had always known him. She said it was the most powerful feeling she's ever felt. Howard said he wants to hug Riley too. Riley said he will lift his wallet if he does.
Howard asked Joy about the hug and she said that she felt like she had known him all her life. Howard said it must not have taken long to seduce her. Riley said that she's made her bones and she's been up and down the road. Riley said they've slept in 4 star hotels and in sleeping bags. He said that she's measured out. Riley said he's grown to deeply love her. Howard asked if she has to give him part of her paycheck. She said that they take care of their own stuff. She said she takes care of her birds and Riley takes care of his own things.
Howard asked why they never had kids. Joy said she's 59 years old and she's past that part of her life. Riley said that women do not age when they're with him. Howard said that's very lucky.
Howard said Riley's wife is a white woman. Riley said that his co-host is there too. Howard asked what it's like living with Eron. Riley said that they all say what they mean and it's a good thing. Howard said it's no wonder Joy moved out. Riley said that in the old house he went to Joy's bedroom and opened the door and she was levitating over the bed. Joy said she remembers that.
Howard asked what it's like when Riley pisses in a jug. She said that he's discreet about it. Howard asked why he would do that. Riley said that if you find anyone who loves you for more than your money then you'd understand life. Riley said that Howard has 42 rooms and he's keeping him in this box. He said in the last house he had to climb stairs. In the new house he doesn't need to do that so he doesn't need the jug now.
Howard asked Joy if she will go out of her way to please Riley. Howard asked what Riley needs her to do. Riley said he will tell her it's a fine day and he'd like to touch the soul of her lovely spirit... get naked.
Howard said that Riley appears to have lost a few teeth since he last saw him. Riley said he needs money to fix those things. Howard said he's going to go to Tim and give him some recommendations. Howard asked how he's getting along with Tim these days. Riley said that he's never been able to talk to him. He said that he talks to him like a house jigaboo. Joy said that he was very nice to him today. Howard said it's a good thing Joy is there.
Howard said he knows Riley has had his ups and downs. He used to have fly strips in his house in the summer. Joy said that was the old place. Howard said that he's had his good times and his tough times. Riley said Howard could make it all better.
Howard said the reason they put Riley on the air was so he could have an outlet for his products. He's not really a radio guy per say. He said that he'd like him to be able to be on radio but this isn't a business for him here. Howard said it's just a promotional vehicle. Howard said he gave him the show and he does a great job. Howard said he loves Riley. He was hoping it would parlay into something else for him.
Howard said no one else is giving him a radio show. Howard said he doesn't get a thank-you, he gets a fuck you. Riley said he should let him make at least minimum wage. Howard said that no one else is hiring him so what can he do. Joy told Riley to work with what he has. Riley said that he's been there for 7 years and you'd think that they'd give him something after that time.
Howard asked where Tim was. He said he was going to see if he could get more money. Riley said his wife had to take off work today and they didn't even pay for their parking. Gary said that Tim was on his way in.
Howard asked Tim why he's treating him like this and not paying the man. Riley said that he's measured up over the years. Tim said he has done a great job for them. Tim said it's just a one hour show and it is what it is. He said that they pay a flat rate for a one hour show and that's it. Riley said that he would like more hours then. Tim said they don't have any open spaces for that. Riley said they fill the channel with rerun bullshit. Joy told him to work with what he has. Howard said she's speaking sense to him. Riley told her maybe she should go home with Tim then. Tim seemed to like that idea. Joy told Riley that he just needs to work with what he has.
Tim said that they send people out to his house to help him do his show. He said they make it as easy as possible. Joy said she wishes that she would work from her couch too. She said that he has a great audience and this will snowball to proportions that he can't even understand. Riley said that maybe Joy should be working for them. Howard said Joy is a lovely woman and a positive force. She has a great attitude.
Howard said Riley has found an angel. Riley said he's well aware of that. He said that he will buy her a bus ticket to Kansas though. Howard asked if her breasts were natural. She said they are. Joy said that's all her. She said she just lost 42 pounds on a plan called Ideal Loss. Riley said that she didn't do it for him because he liked her just the way she was. Howard said that she looks great. He said from now on they should talk to her and she can translate for Riley.
Howard said that even Hate Man is on the phone for Riley. Howard took the call and the guys in the back were playing audio clips of Hate Man talking to Joy.
Howard asked Riley if they're done with his show in 2012. Joy said no but Riley said he thinks they're going to be done. Riley said that this shit is getting very flaky on the planet. Joy said she's trying to put out the positive vibes. Howard said Riley isn't.
Howard asked how long it took for Joy to get a Symbol from Riley. She said she bought one from him before they even met. Riley said that Robin never paid him for her's.
Howard gave Riley some plugs and asked if he's going to continue to negotiate with Tim. Riley said there is no negotiating with Tim. He said that he just won't do it.
Howard said Riley does have things to say and he wants him to keep doing it. Howard said Joy is a lovely woman and a saint. He said it can't be easy living with him. He forgot that she doesn't live with him anymore. She said they do live right next door to each other.
Riley said that he would like Tim to hire his son Matt Pinter. He said he knows Robin has a bunch of people on her show. He said he'd like that for his show.
Howard gave Riley more plugs and thanked Joy for coming in. Riley asked him to mention the symbols and told him that you need one to get on the mother ship. Howard said that all hell will break loose and you need that ticket to get on. Howard said you need one of these things to get off this planet. Joy said she won't leave without her kids. She will be bringing them with her. Riley said you can take one animal on the ship. He said you can bring one cat or a dog. Joy asked what happens to the rest of the animals. Riley said that planets die and that's just a fact. He said we have to save ourselves from the inevitable Armageddon. He said that we have opened the seventh seal and the end of the world is coming.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were playing Beetlejuice audio clips. They had him asking what the hell he was talking about. Howard said that it doesn't mean it's not true just because he doesn't believe. Howard said some day he and Robin will be on the mother ship and Beet won't. Howard said that he should buy a symbol now. Beet said he didn't know what he was talking about.
Howard said some day people will see that Riley knows what he was talking about. Riley said on December 21, 2012 they will see what will happen.
Joy told Howard that she has seen visions of this stuff even before she met Riley. Robin said that she'd like to hear the conversations they have at the dinner table. Joy said she has seen physical proof of this stuff. Howard asked what she's seen. Joy said she can't tell Howard that. She said she can't go there.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what kind of job he'd have on the ship. Howard said he didn't have time to get into that so he wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to a guy using clips of Howard to yell at him for pranking him. Fred also played David Bowie's ''Space Oddity'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that he thinks Tim Sabean is right back up to being fat again. He said he's still stuffing himself into his skinny clothes though.
Howard said Tracey Millman was going to sit in this morning. He said he thought it would be fun to have her sit in. Tracey (Rachel Butera) was talking to Benjy about his girlfriend. Howard said that Underdog Lady was also sitting in. Underdog was talking about Howard appearing on America's Got Talent and how she has to back out now that Howard is going to judge. Howard said it was good to have her with them today. Rachel did her Tracey impression again and talked about Sal and Richard for a few seconds.
Howard asked if he missed Jon Leiberman with his headlines. Gary said he was still there. Howard had Jon come in to give his news preview. Jon was very tan so Howard pointed that out. Howard said that Jon is an incredible dancer. ''Tracey'' said that he's a douche. She asked what kind of newsman is a Jew. Jon said that most are Jewish. She said she didn't know that.
Howard said Jon is some dancer. He said he has never seen anyone dance like that. Howard said he pointed him out to Robin at the holiday party. Howard said that Howard TV had a picture of him but not video. Robin said he looked like Governor Christy. Gary said that Jon was a big surprise at the party. No one expected him to get out there and dance like he did.
Howard said Jon is like the crazy uncle that you don't expect to do much and then he goes nuts. Jon said that's how he is socially but at night he's not a reporter. Tracey called him a douche again. Jon thanked her for that.
Jon said they have an exclusive interview with one of Sal's old bosses. He said that he actually helped to fire Sal in 1995. He tells them that Sal was hired because he had a family member in the company. He was also making prank calls there at the job and all of the calls were recorded there. Jon said they're working on getting copies of those calls. He said that Sal was supposed to be working but he was making prank calls. They also say that they say that he may have paid someone to take his series 7 test. Jon said that there is no evidence that he did that. He said Sal has admitted that he did make the prank calls though.
Jon said they have some audio of Benjy being assaulted when he jumped in front of a live shot of a local weather cast. He broke into his song in front of the camera. Howard said whenever Benjy sees a camera out there he will jump in front of it and start doing something. Benjy said he just lucked out when he found this one. Howard said he started singing his song ''Online Sweetheart'' and they threw him off right away. He was kind of man handled by a security guard. Howard played some audio from the actual news report when Benjy jumped in front of the camera and started singing. Then you hear Benjy screaming in pain.
Howard said that Benjy had a tape recorder with him too. He played that audio and Benjy was saying ''ow'' a couple of times but then he starts screaming like he's in pain. The security guard told him to stop his nonsense. Howard said he sounds like a big guy. Benjy said the guy grabbed him and pushed him down on the sidewalk. Jon said that you can't assault someone like that but the question is if you can get a prosecutor to go through with the assault case. Robin said there is no law that says you can't walk past the camera when they're on the street. Robin said they can't even tell Benjy that he has to move. Jon said that it might be disorderly conduct.
Jon said that they were talking about Benjy's song and they have sales numbers for the song. He said through January 1st they have sold 900 downloads of the song. Robin said that's amazing. Howard said he can't believe it. ''Tracey'' asked who the fuck is buying that shit.
Benjy claims that there have been thousands more than that. He said as far as he knows that's what's going on. Jon said that the official number is 900. Benjy said they don't have the figure. Howard said he's done with this. Jon said that he has the official numbers there. Benjy disagreed.
Jon said that the man who hit Robin's car and ran got off with a slap on the wrist. He said he's getting two points on his license and has to pay a small fine. Robin said that's crazy.
Jon said that they're bringing Page 69 back to the news. He said that Scott DePace is apparently ruining Transcendental Meditation for Doug Goodstein. He's been saying that Doug is gay for participating in it. Scott got on the mic and said that he didn't say any of that stuff. Jon said that's what Will and Jason are going to be reporting. Doug got on the mic and said that they are embellishing a little bit but Scott did say it was a little gay and he doesn't believe in it. Scott said all he did was compare it to religion. Howard said this isn't a religion.
Howard said he does TM and after he does it he feels better. This isn't a belief of an invisible man in the sky. Scott said he never told Doug not to do it. Howard said if you don't believe in something then you're implying that you don't believe in it. Howard said he closes his eyes for 20 minutes and when he opens them he feels better. He said it's like brushing your teeth. Scott said that it's just like taking a nap then. Howard said that he can't calm down and take a nap. He has to do the TM thing. Scott said he's proud of him then. Howard said that it's a dumb comment to say to someone. Scott said that he doesn't believe in hypnotism either. Howard said that he has to try it before he can say he doesn't believe in it.
Doug came in and said that when they were training for the TM thing they did it right up there. Howard said that they came in and thought anyone who wanted to learn about it there. Howard said that they had a list of guys who were going to be able to do it. Howard said he knew Sal wouldn't be able to handle it. He said you have to clear 20 minutes in the morning and 20 in the evening. Howard said Sal had reasons for not being able to do it. He said that Gary is still doing it. Jason is doing it and Benjy is trying it. Teddy, Gange and some others are trying it. Howard said Gange can't do it more than two days. Gary said he did come to a bunch of meetings. Gary said he did it for a while but he had trouble finding time. Howard said he's a single guy with no time.
Howard said Gange drives him crazy. He said he can predict his behavior and he wishes he would surprise him just once. Howard said Gange was raised in a coddled way and people who are like that have no discipline. He said that Gange asked him how he could lose weight. He said he knew he was wasting his time and told Gange that. Howard said that he gave Gange advice on how to lose weight and he told himself that it would last two days at the most. Howard said Gange told him he could do what he told him. Howard said he gave him a list of things that he could eat for breakfast and lunch. He gave him a simple dinner too. Howard said he may have even given him a snack or two.
Howard said the first day Gange showed up with Tupperwares with meals in them. Howard said he thought maybe he could surprise him. Howard said Gange said he couldn't even finish his lunch. He said the next day Gange came with the Tupperware again. By the third day the Tupperware was gone. Howard said he knew it wouldn't last. He said when Gary told him Gange was in this TM thing he knew it wouldn't last. He said he got a note saying that Gange could only find the time to meditate once a day. Howard said he knew that Sal wouldn't last either.
Gary said that Sal wasn't able to make it one day and he had made a dentist appointment at the time they were supposed to be doing it. Howard said he will never achieve greatness. Gary said Sal thinks he already has.
Howard said he knew Gary would be okay with it. He said Doug Goodstein can stick to something. Doug said it was tough on vacation. Howard said Jason can do it too. Gary said he is sticking to it. He said it has been weird around there when they do group meditation. He said that they get looks like they just came out of a cult.
Howard said you have to be into it and want to do it. Scott got on mic and said that he's too intelligent for that. Howard said that's ignorance. Howard said that people who comment on shit they haven't done, that's ignorance. Doug agreed.
Howard said he doesn't usually talk about this stuff with people. He said that it's usually a waste of time. People think it's like a religion but it's really not. Gary said that Oprah's crew do the meditation thing every day, twice a day.
Howard said this was actually Rachel Butera sitting in this morning. He said she does some great voices like Tracey and Underdog. She also went into her Little Lupe impression. Howard talked to her as Lupe for a minute. Howard said that Rachel won that contest they had in there. It was the Staff Impression contest. She said it was October 2010. She won 5 grand in the contest. Howard asked what she did with the money. She moved to L.A. and she's gotten into some voice over work. Rachel said that a guy heard her on the show and emailed her and she sent a sample and flew out and worked with Patrick Warburton and met Billy West too. She said that the cartoon is called Effin With Tonight. Rachel said she's working on getting more work and she's quit her corporate job of writing.
Howard had Mike Gange on the phone. Gange wanted to defend himself. He said he does the TM thing once a day. Howard said it's supposed to be twice a day. Gange said he knows but it's fine to do once a day. He said he does it once a day around 6 o'clock. He said he's working on getting it into his full time schedule. Howard said he's a single guy and he has plenty of time to do it.
Gange said he's having a hard time waking up 20 minutes early. Gange said he gets up around 8 or 8:30 and he's having a hard time. Robin said he used to be in there at 5 or 6 in the morning. Howard said he should just set his clock a half hour early. Gange said he's been staying up too late. He said he's trying to go to bed earlier and get up early too. Howard said Gange should be proud of himself.
Howard asked Tracey if she had something to say. Tracey said that her mantra is ''Gange is a fat, bald douche'' and she had everyone repeating after her. Howard wished Gange luck getting up earlier than 8:30.
Rachel said that she's gotten a bunch of auditions and people know who she is but she's not working. Howard said that her Underdog is great. He talked to her about her health problems. Rachel did her Underdog impression and talked about that and Howard on American Idol. Howard asked if she does Whoopi Goldberg too. She did some of that. She also does Rosie O'Donnell. Rachel did some of that. Howard got a laugh out of that. Howard said she's great. She did some of her Chaz Bono impression too.
Howard had Rachel do more of her Tracey impression. He was talking to her about her problems with Steve Grillo and had her saying the infamous ''douche'' line a bunch of times. Rachel said her voice isn't far off from her own. Howard said he loves people who do impressions. He said he loves Jimmy Fallon and the impressions he's doing. Howard said he saw him guest hosting this week and they didn't use the impressions that much on Saturday Night Live. Howard said that the same thing with Jim Breuer.
Howard had Rachel do more of her Underdog impression. Howard said that's really good. He said he loves her and he's happy for her. Howard said anyone who is out in L.A. looking for voices, they should hire Rachel Butera. Howard gave her another plug for Effin With Tonight.
Rachel did more of her Tracey impression and read a poem about Ronnie. She had Howard laughing at that. Howard said she's not afraid to say what's on her mind.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he listens almost every day and he just watched Fine Time with Tracey on it and he thought that it was Tracey in the studio this morning.
Another caller said Tracey is awesome. Howard asked who else she dislikes in the office. Rachel did the impression some more and she talked about how she's scared of Fred but she dislikes Jason. The caller asked what she thinks about Robin. She said she loves Robin. She said she'd never say anything bad about Robin.
Howard thanked Rachel for coming in and told her to keep in touch. Rachel said she always will because she loves the show. Howard told her to try out for America's Got Talent. She said that she might do that. Howard said that there have been impressionists on the show. Howard said that the one they had last year didn't have any material. Howard said that's all she needed. Howard said he would have told her to get a writer and she would have been fine. Howard said the judges didn't tell her anything. Howard said he's going to be great as a judge.
Tracey did some material about Howie Mandel and Sharon Osbourne. Robin said that material may not get her very far. Tracey also went off on Howard and called him a douche for going on that show. She said he's going from the King of All Media to the King of All Mediocrity.
Howard gave Rachel another plug for Effin With Tonight and asked if Underdog had anything else to say. She had a little more to say about Howard going on America's Got Talent.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Howard some questions about what shows he'll be going on to promote AGT. Rachel did her impression of her a little bit. Howard said that he has no plans to do those shows. Howard wrapped up with Rachel a short time later and went to break.
Howard came back and said he was reading about the Jets quarterback Mark Brunell and how he made like $50 million in his career but now he's bankrupt. Howard said that he was in the game for 19 seasons and he was able to make a decent living. Howard said that if you're lucky enough to make that kind of money you should learn how to hold on to it. He said that they should teach these guys how to save money.
Howard read about what this guy invested in and how he blew his money. He was also sued and lost some money that way. Gary came in and talked about some of the people they talked to about this and how this guy was spending his money on all kinds of things. Howard said you don't have to be a penny pincher but you do have to plan for the future.
Howard said he's going to invent a sport. He said that he won't buy a franchise. He's going to own the whole sport. Howard said each guy gets a gun but he's not sure what the rest of the game will be. He said that it'll be called Howard ball or Howarball. He said maybe he won't put his name in it. He said he'd be afraid that people would be offended. Maybe he could just call it ''Stabbing Basketball.'' He said that people would look forward to the end of the game when someone gets stabbed.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Cee Lo green changing the words to ''Imagine.'' Howard had already talked about that yesterday. Howard said that you can barely understand what he's saying when he sings anyway. Howard had the audio of the song so he played some of that performance. Howard said he's not that upset about it since he can't understand what he's saying.
Howard played a prank call Sal and Richard made to a guy who was selling a Camaro. Richard asked if he was jerking him around or jizzing on his face and things like that.
Howard noticed the guy said that he wasn't trying to ''Jew nobody'' on the price. He replayed that part for Robin and then had Jon Hein come in.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down a list of things they had to talk about today. They spent a minute talking about how odd the whole Riley and Joy relationship seemed to them.
They also goofed on Mike Gange for a few minutes during that preview. Robin said she found it funny when Riley said that Joy was a ''pilot'' and she said she had flown hot air balloons. She laughed her ass off at that.
High Pitch asked if he could get on stage at America's Got Talent. Howard said he'd hit the buzzer on him so fast. He said that he'd like a trap door under him with alligators under that. He hopes that they don't put through the bad acts this year. He said he's just going to hit the buzzer on them right away. He won't be joking around about that nonsense.
Eric asked when the first show is going to be on TV. Howard said he thinks it's in July. Eric said he can't wait. He said it'll be phenomenal. Howard said he starts taping in February. Eric asked if he's going to do a tour of Fallon and Letterman. Howard said he doesn't know. Eric told them to have a good day and got off the line. Howard said he didn't think it was going to end that quickly.
Robin asked Howard if he'd need a themed at a brothel if he was going to go. Howard said guys don't need that. Howard said the only theme you need is vagina and that's already set. Robin said that Dennis Hof is thinking of opening an alien theme whore house. Howard laughed. Howard said you don't need that kind of thing.
Robin read a story about a Chinese company that's going to make a Steve Jobs action figure. Robin said she's not sure what it would do. Howard saw a picture of the action figure and said it really looks like him. Howard asked if a Benjy action figure is next. Robin said they say that the figure will be $99.99 and it'll be available in February. Howard had to go to break after that.
After the break, around 9:40am, Howard came right back and said that he just invented the Bill Gates action figure. He said it never gets laid and it donates money to charity.
Howard also talked about another Beavis and Butt-Head episode he saw that he loved. He said that the boys became bounty hunters after seeing a guy who looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Howard said they go into the post office to find the wanted posters. They found the wrong poster and it was a picture of the postmaster and President Obama. He said that show is so brilliantly done. He said the sad thing is that they have to goof on clips from Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. Robin said they do show some videos. You don't know who they are though. Howard said he loves the show and he's all over it. He said the endings of the shows get cut off though when he records them. Robin has that problem too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks that America's Got Talent is going to be incredible with Howard on it. Howard said it should be fun. He hopes. Howard asked Robin how long it'll be before he comes to her and says ''Ugh...'' Robin said after the first week he'll be dreading it. Howard said she might be right. Robin said that he's giving up vacation to do the show. Howard said they told him it was only 31 days of work. Howard said he didn't think it was that bad. Robin asked if they do it for a week at a time. Howard said they tape just a couple of days and then he can come home. Howard said it shouldn't be so bad... He thinks.
Howard said Vegas Week will be the tough week. He said the judges sit in a room and consider the fate of the contestants. Howard said he doesn't want to argue with Howie and Sharon. He said he just wants to get it done in 10 minutes. He said Howie still does dates around the country so he must want to get out of there. He said he thinks he'll be able to convince them to listen to him.
Robin asked about the fourth judge. Howard said she's probably hot and stupid. Robin asked what he'll do if it's Megan Fox. Howard said if it's Megan Fox he'll do whatever she says. Howard said he imagines that she'll end up crying over the whole thing... whoever she is. Howard said she'll be like Nicole Scherzinger. Howard said they're talking about getting rid of her but they had better not. He said she's so hot.
Howard said he has no idea who this fourth judge is going to be. He said he's wondering how intense it gets during this Boot Camp week. He said he imagines Megan Fox being into a bell ringer and a guy who plays glasses with water in them. Howard said he will tell her to just go home if that's the case.
Gary came in and said the NY Post suggested Jessica Simpson, Fergie and Chelsea Handler. Howard said that he can't imagine they'd hire any of them. Howard said Jessica is too fat, Chelsea isn't elegant and Fergie wouldn't do a show like that.
Howard said he likes Megan Fox as the fourth judge. Robin said that was her idea. Howard imagined her putting through an Abe Lincoln impersonator who does interpretive dance. Howard said maybe a Casey Anthony impersonator would get through.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin said that she's not sure who drinks Mountain Dew but some guy complained that he found a mouse in his drink. Robin said that Pepsi claims that if the mouse was there from the time it was bottled it would have dissolved the mouse. Robin laughed when she read that. Howard said if you drink that shit you can't care if a mouse is in you. Howard said sometimes they find that the person put the mouse in there. He's not saying this guy did that.
Robin read about how some Hindus are upset with Katy Perry and Russell Brand getting divorced because they had a Hindi marriage. They have one of the lowest divorce rates in the world. Howard said that they have other things to worry about in that country. Howard had to do a live commercial after that.
Robin read about how Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver may be reconciling. Howard said he can't imagine that happening. Howard said no one would respect Maria after that. Robin said that they say both of them are wearing their wedding rings again. Howard said it really is a man's world and he's glad he's a man.
Robin read about the Iowa Caucus and how Mitt Romney came out the winner but not by much. Robin had some audio from the announcement and from some others at the caucus. Howard did another live commercial after that. Robin had more audio clips from the caucus that she had Howard play after the live commercial.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if he was mad at him. Howard said no. Jeff said he wanted to congratulate him on America's Got Talent. Howard said he's not mad at Jeff or anything. He said he has a lot of people calling the show. He said he can't get to everyone all the time. Jeff said he thought he was mad at him. Jeff said he never got the call from Howard on New Years like Mariann did. Jeff asked when they have the auditions in New York. Howard said he's not sure if he can give them out. He said that they haven't really gotten to him about what he needs to do. Jeff told him to let everyone know when he can. Howard said he'd hit the buzzer on Jeff as soon as he got on stage.
Robin got back to her news and read more about the Iowa Caucus and how close the vote was. Robin said it was the closest ever. She had more audio clips from various people there.
Robin said the first meteor shower of 2012 is coming and it should be the best. Howard said he'd like to photograph that but he's not sure he can. Robin said you should look to the north to see up to 100 meteors an hour. She said the best time is between 3 and 5am. Howard said he always forgets to go out and watch stuff like that. Robin said she does too. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read about how cold it is in Florida right now. Robin said they have record setting cold down there. Robin said they are expecting warmer temperatures to return tonight.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw the Joy Behar show when they talked about Eddie Murphy dropping out of the Oscar's. He was going on and on but Howard had no idea what he was talking about so he hung up on him. Howard said he can't have a high level job talking like that. Howard said he thinks that was Rick Perry on the phone. Howard said he heard some of that Texas twang in his voice. Howard said he's going to Texas for America's Got Talent at some point. He said he's not sure where in Texas though.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked if he thinks that Piers f'd up by leaving America's Got Talent. Howard said he thinks he did but he's glad he did. Howard said one man's trash is another man's gold.
Robin read about how the box office for movies dropped in 2011 by 3 percent. Robin said it's a 16 year low. She said that they're hoping that a couple of movies will do well this year to turn things around. Howard said he doesn't mind waiting around for the movies to come out on DVD. He said he loves sitting at home. He hates sitting in a theater with people and bedbugs. He said people are snotting on you and coughing. Robin said she just went the other day and it wasn't that bad. Howard said it's disgusting to him.
Robin read about Serena Williams talking about how she doesn't even like the sport of tennis. Robin had some audio of her talking about that.
Robin read about the Super Bowl commercial sales and how that's been going.
Robin read about Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith doing a song together. Robin had a clip of that song. Howard said he'd throw those two kids right off the stage if they were on AGT.
Robin read about how rapper Naz's promoter was kidnapped when Naz failed to show up for a show in Africa. Robin said they missed their flights in the states so they didn't make it to the show. Robin said that they're being held in Angola right now until they get their money.
Robin read about Oprah Winfrey's network and how they had a spike in ratings when she did a special. Robin said they had a 1.1 million viewer rating. Howard said he'd watch that special. Robin said two hours was a little long.
Robin read about how Salma Hayak has been knighted in France. She wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:20am.
Gary told him to just get up 20 minutes earlier. Gange said he was falling asleep and coming in late to work. Gange said he would set an alarm and he wasn't able to hear it for whatever reason.
Scott DePace was sitting in and told Gary that he's the same way with him that he is with the TM thing. Gary said that Scott is the one who doesn't like what he says or what anyone says. Gary said he said that Apple TV is the greatest thing and Scott just said that Xbox is better. Scott said Gary won't let him make fun of TM even though Gary can make fun of him about his religion. Gary said he isn't the one who told him not to make fun of it. That was Howard.
Jon said he's not sure what's going on with Scott and Doug. Gary said that it's tough when someone is making fun of you over something you're trying out. He said that there are people who think it's dumb but they don't say it to him.
Jon asked Scott if he's calked TM ''a dumb assed nap.'' Gange said Scott actually said that to him. Scott said he doesn't want to be made a fool out of for believing in religion if he cant make fun of them for TM. Gary said he's not sure they ever did. Scott said Howard and Will did once. Gary said he's not even one of those big religion guys. Scott said he isn't willing to believe that a big bang created everything. He said that he made a simple statement about a god and that was it.
Scott asked Jon why he doesn't do TM. Jon said it's just not for him. He said he's not saying he doesn't believe in it and that it doesn't work for anyone. He said that's what Scott has done. Scott said people need to lighten up. He said he can't use it and he doesn't need it. Gary said that's fine but why is it stupid? Scott said that's just what he believes.
Benjy said that they have goofed on Scott's Video Caddy without trying it out. Gary said he sees how it works and he can see that it's stupid. He said that there are better clamps and tripods for cameras.
Gary asked Scott who he's afraid of telling that TM is stupid. Scott said he probably wouldn't tell Howard. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gange what he thinks about this whole thing. Gange said he thinks that Howard took it the wrong way and Ronnie was just trying to be funny. Ronnie said he wasn't trying to be funny.
Jon said that Howard is genuinely offended by this. Gary said that he's like a beaten man now and he just rolls over and apologizes. Ronnie said he can't do that. Gange said that if Howard had read it on the air then maybe he wouldn't be so upset about it. Gary said it may have been the party setting that did it.
Benjy said he thinks that what some of them have said so far means that Howard may have over reacted. Gary said it may have been the setting. Gange said he thinks if it was on the show then maybe it would have been different. Jon said he's right about that. Scott said he thought the poem sucked. Ronnie said he thinks his video caddy was a piece of shit.
Jon asked Ronnie if he's going to continue writing poems in his personal life. Ronnie said he will if he has to. He said he will never write anything about Howard or to Howard or anything about his show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie is being treated poorly here and Howard is demoralizing him. He said Howard does this to all of the guys there. He said that nothing is ever good enough for Howard. The guy said that this is a form of proxy self promotion.
Jon took another call from a woman who asked why Ronnie would call Howard an ass at a party. Ronnie told her to get it through her head that he didn't call him an ass. The woman said he should be fired. Ronnie said he didn't call him an ass. He said he doesn't care what she thinks about him either. Ronnie said she has no life and all she's doing is taking him apart.
Jon said he thinks that Ronnie does care what Howard thinks. Ronnie said that people on Twitter were hammering him yesterday. He said he's not afraid of confrontation. He said that people still love him even after all of that.
Jon asked Ronnie who around there does he really care what they think. Ronnie said he cares about what everyone thinks there. Scott asked what he did when Fred told him to take that line out. Ronnie said he doesn't remember him telling him to take it out. Maybe he did but it was too late by that point. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon said that Howard was talking about how Gange was coddled as a child. Gange said he's not sure where that came from. Gary said that his father had a business that did very well. Gange said that he worked as a kid so he didn't have it that great. He said they weren't rich. He said he grew up in Queens and then on Long Island when he turned 18. Gary said that's all perception and that's what Howard thinks is going on. Gange said they didn't have that much as a kid.
Gary said Howard seems to think that he never had to work that hard because he had a safety net. Gange said you could say that about a lot of people, even Howard.
Jon asked Gange why he wanted to do the TM thing. Gange said he wants to be more focused. He said that he always feels tired and he wanted more focus. Gange said that he was starting to feel unfocused and he though it might help him. He said he's trying to go to bed earlier now. He said he's trying it every night.
Scott said he can nap when he does the TM thing. Gary said it's really not a nap. Gary said he finds it hard to talk about with people because they think they're in some kind of cult.
Jason came in and said that he is on prescription medication for acid reflux and he's been able to stop taking it because of TM. Scott laughed and said that's ridiculous. Jon asked if Scott thinks that the Dr. Sarno stuff is ridiculous. Scott said it might help with some people but you can't cure all back pain. Jon said maybe it worked on Jason's acid reflux. Scott said maybe it'll help his golfing too. Jason said he's been very stressed out in his life and he had to take the acid reflux meds since he was a kid. He said he hasn't changed anything but the TM and he's been able to stop the pills and that's a fact. Scott said maybe he didn't need them in the first place. Scott said maybe it can cure Jon's Diabetes too. Jason said that's a disease. They had to end the show a short time later.
In the clip Howard was starting the show talking about the Grateful Dead and doing a soft DJ voice as he did it. Howard talked about some of the songs they were playing and went into a whole explanation about one of their songs. He also talked about the concerts and how they're cracking down too hard on the fans. He went off on John Sheer about the prices they were charging and things like that.
Howard said he and Gary were listening to a radio station this morning and they were doing a whole Grateful Dead show. That's why he was talking about them. Robin said she was reading some stuff about the concerts.
Howard asked Robin if it's really hot where she is. He said Scott called the air conditioning company and they were supposed to be there early but they don't have any air at all in there. He said that only hot air is blowing in there. Howard said if you turn off the system then they get no air in there at all.
Howard talked about Manuel Noreiga getting arrested and how bad the TV coverage was. He said they need better night time cameras.
Howard said it's really hot in there and he has to call the air conditioning company. He dialed them up and told them where he was at and told the guy that he was dying up there. He said they have to get someone down there or he's going to rip the air conditioning out. He said he's going to shoot it and himself. He said he's not that funny anymore and he's wilting. Howard asked if they're going to call someone right now. The guy told him that they'd beep someone. Howard said he has to go home if they don't get someone there to fix it.
Howard said he didn't want to put the guy on the air. He said he figured they won't show up until 4 in the afternoon. He said they need windows in there so they can get some fresh air in there. He said when they design radio stations they put it in the middle of the building so there are no windows. He said they could put it by a window and not worry about street noise.
Robin's Colonics Discussed. 01/05/09. 7:45am
Robin said that she was at a spa over the vacation and they asked her if she wanted a mirror up to her so she could see what was coming out when she had an enema. Howard asked if she was the only black person there. Robin said there were a couple there. She said that one woman was telling him about the other places she's been to.
Howard asked what Robin saw when she had the mirror there. She said all she saw was doody. She didn't see anything else.
Howard asked who else was there when she was at the spa. Robin didn't have any other stories about celebrities or anything. Howard said that she could talk about who else was there and what she saw. Robin was saying that they only take a certain number into the spa but they all do the same thing at the same time. Robin said that her regular colonic person is a guy. She said that she wears a drape to cover her up when she's getting it done.
Howard was asking about what the guy gets to see. Robin said that she's covered up so the guy doesn't really see anything. She said that she lays on her side and he can't see her labia or anything like Howard thought he could.
Howard asked if the guy can see her when she stands up. Robin said that the guy doesn't see anything. She said that her vagina is in the front and the guy only sees her from behind and only a little bit. Robin said that you have to lay on your side and then lay on your back. She said that the people stay in the room the whole time.
Robin said that she has gotten so used to the guy who gives her the colonic that she barely even notices he's there. She said they just have regular conversations during those things.
Howard asked how much water they use. She said it's constantly running. Robin said that she can hold the water in when she gets her ''fill.'' She said that sometimes they'll even tell her that she's doing a good job with that. Howard asked how long it takes before she can take a regular doot. Robin said she goes every day.
Robin said there was one day when they told her to take castor oil so they could get it all out of her. She said that they weren't happy with what they were getting out of her. Robin said that she gets them once a week when she's home. Robin said that she was going to try the castor oil and figured she would be doing it at 9am. Robin said that she took the castor oil at 8 in the morning and it turned out her appointment wasn't until 1:45. Robin said that it all came out before then so they were kind of disappointed in what came out. Fred told her she should have taken a picture of it to show the colonic people.
Howard played a song parody, from Sal, about Robin's colonics and how nuts she is for doing that stuff. Howard played another one from Richard about her big black boobs and how she has too much money.
In the clip Howard was reading about this new book ''Listen To My Heart'' Kathie Lee had coming out. He read about what she writes about in the book and Howard talked about how religious paranoid her kid is going to be. He said they're scaring kids with this religion stuff. Gary said he's pretty sure this won't be Cody's last book either.
Howard wondered if he was goofing on her by reading this. Gary said she was the one who wrote it. Howard read more about the book and said Gif puts up with this so she must be able to sew buttons with her private parts. Robin wanted to say something but she said they promised not to make fun.
Howard read about where the proceeds of the book are going. He said that her rabbi must be pissed about this. He asked who the reviewer was. Gary said it was Tom Shales. Robin said it's not them bashing it then. It's the reviewer.
Gary read the review that Tom Shales wrote and he really didn't like this special that she did with her kids. Tom really didn't like it at all.
Howard's Family Stories. 01/05/09. 6:05am
Howard said that his father says that word ''cud-ohs'' and he tried to correct him on it but the guy doesn't hear anything anymore. Howard said both of his parents can't hear anything now. He said it's very draining to have them over these days.
Howard said his mother and sister go into their own Transcendental meditation in a room at his place for hours. Then he gets stuck talking to his father for hours. Howard said he had to yell at his father so he could hear him and his father thinks that everyone else is mumbling to them. Howard said they want him to tell stories to them and he has to yell them all out. He said he ends up yelling to them the whole day.
Howard said his father started in with his sister telling her to cut her TM program short to visit with her brother. Then his mother says that it's good for the house to do the TM thing. Howard said it's fine that they do it and take a break from each other. Howard said his sister will get on him about hiding from the family and let out this laugh that's like the Joker.
Howard said that even Beth notices that he's drained after his family comes over. Howard said that her family will come over and just relax. He said his family likes a constant dialog and they'll ask him what's wrong if he takes a break from talking for a minute. He said his mother will ask him what's wrong if he stops talking. He said he's just listening and she gives him a hard time about that. He said he gets criticized about everything.
Howard said his sister will even give him a hard time about the beach there at his house out on Long Island. He said that she's complained about the beech being on a slant.
Howard said that he was feeling guilty about not being with his parents while he was down in Mexico. That's why he got together with them when he came home. Howard said it turns into a whole thing when he does have them over.
Howard said his father was asking him if he saw what was going on over in Israel. He said that stuff comes out of nowhere and he'll just ask him about this stuff in the middle of some other conversation.
Howard said that his father is all set up with 3 VCRs to tape the shows that he likes. He said that he tried to get his father to get a TiVo but that didn't work. Howard said that they're too complicated for them. Howard said he tried to set that up for his father but he was too confused by the way it worked. Howard did an impression of what that was like trying to explain it to him at his house. He said his father asked him to find him a VCR instead. Howard said he wanted to force him to use a TiVo but he's afraid of the technology. He said his father asked what it's recorded on. He said it doesn't matter but his father wants to know how he can watch this stuff around the house. Howard said he's not sure what to do with his father. He said he wants to break into the house and stick one in there.
In the clip Howard was talking about the book signing and how they were interviewing people for the news. Howard had some clips to play. Howard played one but it didn't start where he thought it was supposed to. He called Scott in there to explain why he didn't have it right. Scott said that's where they told him to start it from.
Howard said he went into Scott's studio and it really smells like smoke. He said he thinks Robin got that lump in her breast from Scott's smoking.
Howard told Scott to show Robin his ass. Howard asked if he washes those pants. Scott said of course he does. Gary said they were talking about Scott's K-Rock denim jacket and how it turned yellow. Howard told Robin to go in and smell his studio. Robin said she has smelled it before. She knows what it's like. Howard said he hadn't been in there in a while. He said he went in to use the computer in there and the screen was covered in gels and stuff. It turns out they have a guy there who didn't want radiation getting to him so he covered it up in all of these covers. Howard said that's just weird.
Howard said that Scott has gotten real heavy. He asked what his new year's resolution is. Robin said it's to get heavier. Howard said most people who smoke don't eat that much. Scott said he eats while he smokes.
Howard said Scott's studio is full of smoke so early in the morning. He said he can't imagine smoking like that. He and Fred did their impressions of Scott. They were goofing on his smoking and saying that the day he dies he'll still have a cigarette in the ashtray. Howard said you know one day he's going to have a blow hole in his neck and they'll be visiting him in the hospital. Howard did an impression of what that would sound like. They went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard was playing a Public Enemy song and trying to figure out what those guys are all about. He said he really doesn't get it. Howard said he doesn't think that the black community should support these guys. They're really not saying anything at all in the song. Howard went through more of the song and gave up a short time later.
After that we heard a clip of Robin talking about listening to WLIB and hearing them talking about the Grateful Dead. That led to Howard and Robin talking about Public Enemy being on the station. Howard and Gary talked about Chuck D and how he lived in Roosevelt. Howard said all great thinkers come from Roosevelt.
Gary told Howard he had a black guy on the phone who wanted to complain about him going off on P.E. Howard took the call and the guy asked why he was against Public Enemy. Howard said this guy sounds white to him. The caller said he was black. He ended up cursing so Howard went off on him about that. The caller asked why he had to punk his favorite band. Howard said it's not music. He said he can't get into it. He said it's just guys talking over music. Gary said they do a pretty cool song in a Spike Lee movie where they say that John Wayne was a 'racist F.' Howard said that's original.
The caller asked Howard about Louis Farrakhan and what he thinks about him. Howard said that guy used to be a vacuum cleaner salesman or something. He said he doesn't like guys who are out spewing hate. Howard said that those guys in Public Enemy are just a bunch of pussies from Roosevelt. He said he doesn't know what ''fight the power'' means and he's not going to try and figure it out. Howard told the caller to go out and get a job. The caller said he's in school and he is working too.
Howard told the guy that he thinks black people are fine. He said if they work hard and they're honest they're fine. He said it's the same thing about every race. Howard said he likes black people like Theo from the Cosby Show. Howard said that Bryant Gumble is a little uppity but he likes him too.
Howard asked the caller who he thinks is a cool guy. Howard said the best black man to him is someone like Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy. Howard was joking. He did an impression of Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy. Howard said Leonard Marshall is another great guy. The caller went off on him and said that he hates the Giants and they need to get Lawrence Taylor on the show. Howard said they don't want him on the show.
Howard hung up on the caller and said he doesn't see color. Howard said he actually does get nervous on the street when he sees a black guy. He said there are a lot of black criminals out there. Robin said she could get upset every time she sees a white person. Howard said he does get nervous. He said he got nervous about the white guy they had in there too. Howard said they have a problem in the city with crime and you get nervous. Howard said you think they might be a criminal. Robin said it can happen with white people too.
Howard said if Fred was black he'd lock himself in the closet. Howard said he was going to break the Public Enemy record. He tried to do it but it didn't break. He said it was bad vinyl. Howard eventually broke it.
Gary came in and said that he had an angry black woman on the phone. She was upset about the call they just got finished with. Howard picked up and the woman said she has a question for Robin. Howard said he had to finish breaking the Public Enemy record first. Everyone was shielding their faces. Howard asked what her question was. The woman said that Robin seems to sit back and let this gentleman talk about black people. She went off on Robin getting all angry. Howard said she's got this black dialect all of a sudden. She went off on Howard about that too. Howard goofed on her as she was yelling at him. Howard told her that he knows more about black people than she does. The caller said he doesn't know anything.
The caller told him not to talk to her like that. Howard kept going. She asked who he thinks he's talking to. She told Robin that she's a fool. She said that Howard is a Jewish bastard. Howard told her he's a half Jewish bastard. The caller said she didn't care. She cursed a couple of times so Howard had to cut her off. She hung up.
Howard said he's not sure what he said that was so wrong. He said that he just said he likes nice black people. Howard said she had this dialect that came out of nowhere. He said he just started doing the same dialect and she got all pissed off at him. Howard said she's a racist bitch. Howard said she was calling him a Jew bastard. Robin said the true colors always come out.
Gary told Howard he has another caller who thinks that Howard doesn't hate black people, just black women. Howard asked if he was angry. Gary said he wasn't. Howard told him to just put angry people through. Howard said he'd like that woman to call back in but she has to watch her language. He said he had to put her on hold after she cursed too many times. He ran out of delay. Howard said he'll make her a regular if she wants. They went to break a short time later.
Bong Hit Eric Hits On Some Interns. 01/05/05. 6:50am
After the break Howard had Bong Hit Eric on the phone. Eric said he hadn't done any bong hits at that point but he was getting ready to. Artie said he had a friend who would get his cat high sometimes and that was pretty funny. Eric said that his cat is pretty young and he doesn't want to give him brain damage. Howard said that Brian Phelan from E! went to a Jets game with Eric. Brian came in a short time later and told Howard that Eric was smoking before, during and after the game. Eric offered to come on the show but Howard told him he can't smoke in the studio and that's the funny part about him. Brian told Howard that Eric has some nice seats at the stadium and he snuck some of his friends down with them. Eric has two homes and told the guys that he made his money working on Wall Street. Howard asked Eric what he pays for pot these days. Eric said it depends... He paid about $70 for an 1/8th oz of the stuff that he was smoking this morning. Howard also wondered what he's going to be doing at 2 o'clock this afternoon. He said that he'll probably be napping.
Brian said that he smoked some of Eric's weed while he was there at the game with him. He told Howard that Eric knows where to go to get high and get away with it at the stadium. Eric said he doesn't bring a bong to the game with him but he will bring one with him if he goes to Atlantic City or something like that. Robin wondered if he's got a girlfriend. Eric was looking for some advice on women because he's got a girl who wants to marry him. She doesn't smoke as much weed as he does. Even Brian couldn't keep up with him. Brian told Howard that he had to sneak in some rum and soda in a Poland Spring bottle. He said the guy who was searching people made him take the cap off of his water bottle but let him go in with it even though it was filled with alcohol.
Eric told Howard that he gets his parrot high and the thing will start to laugh when he laughs. He hadn't waken it up yet so he couldn't demonstrate it. Eric brought up last night's Intern Beauty Pageant E! show and said that the chicks on the show were really hot. A couple of them are still working there so Howard had them come in. Erika and Gianna both came in and said hello to Eric. Erika said that she's been a fan of Eric's since the first day she started working there. Erika told Howard that she was up all night last night watching herself on the E! show. She stayed up all night drinking and watching the E! show. Eric wondered if Erika gets horny when she's drunk but she didn't answer. Howard wondered when the girls were finished working there. They said that they're done this coming Friday. The girls said that they could have sex with Howard after that. Eric wondered if they could put the interns in the RoboSpanker. Howard said that's off limits to the interns. It's one of his own rules though, it's not the company's policy.
Howard asked Eric to make his parrot laugh instead of talking about the RoboSpanker. Howard said there's not much you can do with a parrot so he can't understand why someone would have it as a pet. Eric said that you really can do some stuff with them because they're as smart as a 3 year old kid. He wasn't able to get the parrot out of it's cage so he got back to talking to the interns. Erika was telling Howard how the girls weren't wearing panties the day of the Intern Beauty Pageant. Erika said she never wears them because they don't fit right and feel funny. Howard had to wrap up the call with Bong Hit Eric after that. The girls said their goodbyes to him and got back to work after that. Howard took another commercial break a short time later.
French Deejay Arthur Calls In. 01/05/05. 9:50am
Howard said that he must be insane because he agreed to be interviewed by a French radio show host. He's apparently the French ''Howard Stern'' but Howard doesn't even know why he agreed to do it. The guy claims that he produces 70 percent of the television that's on in France but Howard finds that hard to believe. He's got a hot looking wife from what Howard says. Howard told Gary to just keep passing the phone off to the interns in the back as they pretend to be him. Howard had Robin start her news and avoided the call from the French deejay.
Howard got the French deejay, Arthur, on the phone during the news. Howard told him the interview wasn't going to last long. He was ready to bail as soon as he heard someone translating in French. Howard asked him what makes him ''The French Howard Stern.'' Arthur said that he's really not the French Howard Stern. Arthur told Howard that he was on the show a few years ago and was insulted by Howard for a half hour. Howard asked Arthur why the French hate the Jews so much but Arthur and his partner said that they're both Jewish. Artie told Arthur that they had to get going because they had to take a call from the Mexican Howard Stern.
Howard also asked Arthur if it's true that he produces 70 percent of the shows on TV there. He said that is about right but he never said that it was 70 percent. He said they produce shows like ''Big Brother'' and stuff like that. Arthur wanted to give Howard a gift but Howard wanted nothing to do with it. He told Arthur that the French owe everything to America and they should thank them every day. Arthur said he knew Howard was going to say that. Howard also told them that they should apologize for killing Lady Di, and some other things. Arthur started to speak in French so Howard bailed out on the call a short time later. Arthur said that he had two naked women to give to Howard as a gift but he didn't want it. Arthur told Howard that his E! show was on over there and made him very famous. Howard got off the line a short time later. Robin got back to her news a short time later.
Arthur was back on the phone a few minutes after he got off the line but Howard told him to stop stalking him. Arthur just wanted to give him the present he had for him. Howard had to hang up on him once again. Howard thought he'd gotten rid of him but he was back again about 5 minutes later. Arthur kept insisting on giving him this gift he had for him but Howard just hung up on him again.
During the news Robin showed Howard a huge ad that appeared in Television Week promoting her upcoming TV talk show. The ad basically just announced that her show is going to be available in the fall. She read the ad to Howard but Arthur was back on the phone so Howard took the call. Arthur had a couple of women faking orgasms for Howard but he wasn't impressed. Howard asked Arthur what that was. Arthur said that they were beautiful French girls but Howard didn't care. He told him to leave him alone again and hung up on him.
Ask Fred. 1/5/00. 7:25am
KC threw together a game like the Homeless game. Howard got a caller on the phone to play for a laptop computer courtesy of BargainBid.com. Howard would play KC asking Fred a question and the caller would have to guess whether Fred would answer yes or no. He needed to get 3 out of 5 correct. The first caller, Louie, played through and got 3 correct answers. Here are the questions:
|Question||Caller Says||Fred's Answer||Correct?|
|Have you ever had anal sex with a woman?||N||Yes||N|
|Have you ever had sex in a car?||Y||Yes||Y|
|Have you ever pleasured yourself to anyone on the show's wife?||N||No||Y|
|Have you ever had the urge to sleep with Robin?||Y||Yes||Y|
|Question||Caller Says||Fred's Answer||Correct?|
|Have you ever been in a threesome?||N||No||Y|
|Did you ever get oral sex while driving?||Y||No||N|
|Are you funnier than Jackie?||Y||No comment||Given to caller|
|Have you ever pleasured yourself in the shower?||Y||No||N|
|Have you ever made love on the beach?||Y||Yep||Y|
|Have you ever done 69 in a car?||Yes|
|Have you ever shaved a girl?||No|
|Do you wear pajamas to bed?||No|
|Do you pleasure yourself more than 2 times a week?||Of course|
Casey Kasem And Other Stuff. 01/05/04. 7:45am
Howard talked about Casey Kasem for a short time. He's leaving the American Top 40 countdown show and Ryan Seacrest is going to take over his spot. Howard said the article had a bunch of information about Casey. He read some of that stuff and goofed on Casey a little bit. Howard read that Casey will listen to his own show to make sure there's nothing wrong with his delivery. Howard and Robin both said they don't believe he actually does that though. Gary came in and said that Casey refused to do the voice of Shaggy from Scooby Doo because he thought that the cartoon characters were overeaters and it sent a bad message to kids. Howard said he sounds like a wacko and wants to interview him. He told Gary to put him on ''the list'' of people they want on the show.
Howard said he watched ''Sex and the City'' last night and wondered if Mikail Barishnikov is good looking. He said his girlfriend finds him attractive but he doesn't get it. Robin said that he has a lot of grace and shows athleticism when he moves.
Artie said that he was watching a lot of football games over vacation and didn't want to even talk about how Daniel Carver beat him in the $25,000 football pool. Artie said he blew about another $2000 over the holidays betting on football. Howard was going to go over all of the football pool stuff but he was going to wait until after the break. He had the info in front of him and wanted to tell Artie how he did against the chicken but had to hold off until after the break.
Old Rush Limbaugh (Jeff Christy) Tapes. 01/05/10. 7:10am
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to Gary the Retard telling him he was no longer retarded. Fred played the Beatles ''Come Together'' as they were coming back from break.
Howard came back and said he was listening to Rush Limbaugh tapes from when he was known as ''Jeff Christy.'' He said that's a douchy thing to do. Howard said he was a failed top 40 announcer. He said he was listening to one of his bits where he was trying to make a prank call and it was bad. He played some of that audio where Rush was in a small market in Pennsylvania as this Jeff Christy character. Howard talked about how the guy is so self loathing that he probably didn't want to use his real name. He said Rush Limbaugh is a kind of cool radio name.
Howard played the audio of Rush, or Jeff, doing his thing coming out of a song. Jeff was giving a weather report and talking about the snow they had and talking about the roads being cleared up. He went into another song like a lame top 40 DJ. Howard goofed on him talking about the Jeff Christy network and his fake laugh. Howard said ''what a dick wad'' after hearing the clip.
Howard played a second clip where Jeff Christy was talking about being a bachelor. Howard said he's a fat blimp so of course he was a bachelor. He said they were playing awful music on that station too. In the clip Rush was talking about being a bachelor and how he lives in an apartment with a lamp and a TV set. Howard said it's fine to hear him living in an apartment like that. He said it bums him out when he hears he's living in a huge house in Palm Beach.
In the clip Rush played a prank call he made to the local power company and asked him how much it would cost to put 15-20,000 heat lamps in an orchard for palm trees. It was a lame bit that he interrupted with another song. Howard said he was doing all of these lame bits. He said someone like Pig Virus would have liked the show being run the way this guy was doing it. Howard said Pig Virus would have loved it.
Howard played more of the clip where Rush, or Jeff, comes out of the song and gets back to his lame prank call. Howard said he thinks it was wroth sitting through that song to get the rest of the call. The power guy told Rush about how it was going to cost him about $3,000 a day for the lamps he wanted. The bit didn't go anywhere. Howard did an impression of that lame bit and came up with another one where he would call a yarn company and ask for a million yards of yarn. Howard said it was going to be a fuckin' riot when they picked up and told him about what it was going to cost.
Howard said he could have given the Z-100 morning zoo a run for their money with that bit. He said he liked when he came back from the song and wondered if the ''local yokel'' was back on the phone. Howard said he thought they were done with him when he had chest pains in Hawaii. Robin said the funny thing was that he was on vacation having those chest pains.
Howard played another awful Jeff Christy clip where he was giving another weather forecast. Howard said he must have been a morning guy because they get to do the bits. Howard goofed on his lame DJ voice as he was playing the clip. In that clip Howard said it doesn't matter what you say in top 40 radio. It's all in the way you way it.
Howard played clip after clip of Rush doing his thing as Jeff Christy. In one clip Jeff said that he was often imitated and often copied. Robin said he still uses that phrase as Rush Limbaugh to this day. Howard said some things you just don't give up. Howard said he'd had enough by that point. He was going to give up but played even more of the awful clips. Howard said Rush doesn't seem to be able to hit the post when he's introducing songs. Howard and Fred did their impressions of him doing his thing and goofed on him for a few minutes.
Howard said he wished that his career had ended as a top 40 DJ before he became Rush Limbaugh. Howard said maybe there were other guys in his market who were imitating him.
Ashlee And Lindsay's Bad Singing Plus Gary The Retard Fight's The Flu. 01/05/05. 7:30am
Howard replayed an audio clip of Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard talking to each other the other day. Wendy has the flu and was puking on the phone. Gary the Retard thought that he could catch the flu over the phone. That led to Richard Christy and Sal the Stockbroker making a prank call to Gary as the flu. Howard played that clip a short time later. Sal told Gary that he was from a phone company and they were trying to track down the flu. He told him to disguise his voice if anyone called. Richard Christy called a short time later as The Flu and Gary answered as a woman. He changed his voice and tried to get away from The Flu. Sal called him back and told him to say ''Shoo, shoo, no retarded flu'' if The Flu called him back. Richard called back and Gary repeated that a few times trying to kill off The Flu. Richard pretended that he was being killed off by those statements. Artie said that it may have been one of the funniest calls he's ever heard.
In the clip Howard took a call and the line had bad static on it. He said the problem is always there so he wants someone to look into it. Howard asked Gary to check into it. Howard also told him to find out why he has to pin the volume all the way up so he can hear people.
Howard wondered if Gary is writing this down. Gary came in but Howard told him to get out. Gary was telling him to chill out and Howard said he doesn't have to chill out. Gary said it's annoying to hear them picking on him every day.
Howard mentioned Gary is making about 60,000 to do this job. Gary asked how he figures that. Howard asked Gary how much he's making. Gary said he's making $28,000 a year. He said he makes appearances but they all pay different amounts. Howard figured that he's averaging about $500 each one. He said he did 3 this weekend. Gary said he did not. Howard said that he pays him for other events too. He said he did okay with the FOX TV shows and the U.S. Open Sores thing. Howard said he has some other things that he may get some money out of too. Howard told Gary that he complains about his pay but he makes pretty good money. He figured he will make at least $43,000. Gary told him not to forget taxes. Howard said he's figuring he's making $60,000 and taking home 43,000.
Howard said Gary gets a lot of freebies on stuff from record companies and things like that. He gets tapes and CDs and it's all free. He said Gary is nobody and he gets all of this free stuff. Howard and Gary went over some of the cool stuff he's been able to do lately. Gary said he feels like he's on trial and he's not sure why. Howard said he is on trial.
Howard got back to Gary's pay and went over that with him again. Howard asked Gary about some of the free stuff he's gotten and how he could have vetoed some of what he gets. Gary said that he's not crying poverty so he's not sure why they're doing this.
Gary said he does everything Howard asks him to do so he's not sure why they're picking on him. Howard said he was just wondering if he was writing this stuff down. Gary came in shaking his head. Howard said that's why he's going off on him. He said he has to behave. Howard said he should make him come in at 5:30 when he gets there so he can greet him. Howard told him that he'll like him if he just behaves. He told him to get out of the studio because he hates him. He said he's way out of line and forgets about everything he's got. Howard said that Gary is making good money for a putz.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked for some changes to Best of Stern. She said that they should put the segments into different time periods. Howard said that's another thing Gary does wrong. Gary came back and said that they ran some Grammy shows and they ran them in order. Howard asked why it took a month to edit them if they ran them in order. Gary said he has to edit out the commercials and stuff but that's all Scott.
Gary said they ran nothing but bits in the second week and they did mix them up. Howard said he doesn't know. He said it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to him. He said it doesn't seem like it should take so long to edit out commercials. Gary put the blame on Scott.
Howard said Gary really isn't that good but that's what you get for 28 grand. Howard said he doesn't go out of his way. He said he likes to go out and party at clubs and stuff. Robin said he wants to be everyone's friend and not fix problems.
KC's Tanning. 1/5/00. 6:30am
Howard had KC come in to the studio so he could talk to him about his sunburn. KC goes to a tanning salon to get a tan and Howard finds that very odd. Yesterday KC went to a new salon and got burned after only 12 minutes in the tanning booth. Howard told him that he must be gay because he's so obsessed with his looks. He said that no straight guy would go to those lengths to keep his body tan. KC says his body looks better with a tan and that's that. Howard told him he shouldn't even have time to do stuff like that but KC said it was on his way home that he did it. Howard told him that he should just come out of the closet already. He tried to argue with Howard saying that Howard works out to keep his body in shape so it's like the same thing. Not even close according to Howard. Working out is healthy, tanning is unhealthy was basically what Howard was telling KC.
In the clip Howard said he and Robin had talked about this yesterday. He said that they got into it and he was talking about going shopping. Robin asked what he had in his wallet. Howard took it out and said he had a picture of Amy Lynn in there. He said he takes that out when people ask to see a picture of his wife. Howard showed Robin what else he had in there. He had some cards for his limo and an auto card and things like that. Howard said that he doesn't have any pictures of his kids in there. Howard said Gary had a shot of his kid in there and it looks just like any other baby. He said he has a shot of his wife right after the baby was born too. He said she's not at her best in that picture. Howard said he doesn't want to see that. He said it's like she just pooped out one of the Dell'Abate cannon balls.
Howard said his wife is in charge of his money so he doesn't have a lot in his wallet. He has some in his briefcase. It's just a couple hundred though. He said there are some guys who carry around thousands.
Howard said Robin figures he can't tell her what ordinary items cost at the supermarket. Robin asked if he knows what gas prices are. Howard said he thinks he knows that too. Gary asked if he goes to the same station or does he shop around. Howard said he just goes to the same place. Robin asked if he knows what the subway costs. Howard said it was $1.50. Gary said it's actually $1.25. They asked if he knows what it costs as soon as you get in a cab. Howard didn't know but he doesn't take cabs.
The guys asked Howard a bunch of questions about what things cost at the market and Howard would write down his answers. Robin did the same. Howard figured it should be the one who comes the closest. Robin said they were playing with the Price Is Right rules so they can't go over. Howard said he's going to guess a dollar ever time then.
Howard was actually coming really close with his guesses. Howard said he really doesn't know and he's just guessing. He said he just knows things. Robin got a couple right but Howard was doing better in the beginning. Howard said he's really not that out of touch. Robin said he's just guessing. He was coming closer than she was though.
In the end Robin won but not by much. Howard said that they didn't embarrass themselves too much. Howard said now he doesn't have to go to supermarkets. He said he thinks he's still in touch with reality.
Robin asked what the average car price is. Howard said 20 grand. Gary said that's probably about right. Howard said that was Supermarket Sweep. He said he shut everyone up with that. Robin asked if he knows what People Magazine costs. Howard guessed but Robin told him he was low. He was a little low with the National Enquirer too. Robin said it used to be 25 cents. Howard said that was back in the days when people were seeing UFOs and stuff. They went to break a short time later.
Andy Dick Calls In. 1/5/00. 9:10am
Before getting to Andy Dick's phone call Howard spent quite a bit of time talking to a couple of women who claim to give more than just a massage with their customers. They explained how they work in to whacking off their male customers if that's what they want. One woman claimed that she actually gets naked and crawls on the table with her customers to get them off. After that discussion Howard got Andy Dick on the phone and asked him if he's ever gotten a massage like that. Andy said he's never done that and wondered how you go about asking for it when the masseuse comes over. He did say that he's had masseuses who have ''brushed up against his sack'' but it never went farther than that. Howard asked if it was a man or a woman who brushed against him. Andy, a bi-sexual, said it didn't really matter if it was a man or a woman, he takes them all.
Andy then brought up seeing Howard's ass on MTV when they re-ran his Fartman appearance from 1992. Howard told Andy that his ass has gotten much better since then because he works out now. Andy found that hard to believe.
Howard moved on to find out if Andy has remained sober lately. Andy claims that he's been drug and alcohol free for 7 months but that's with the help of the government. He has to be drug tested while he's on probation so that's the main reason he stays sober. He said he really misses smoking pot though.
The last time Andy was on he brought in his 19 year old girlfriend Lisa who was really hot. Howard asked if he was still with her. Andy said she was standing right there so he got her on the phone. Howard spent a few minutes talking to her about being with Andy. Howard heard that the two of them had stopped having intercourse and had just been doing oral. Andy explained that they were having sex so much that Lisa got sore and had to put it off for about a week or so. Lisa claims that they have sex on an average of 3 times a day! Howard says that's why he doesn't work now.
Eventually Andy got around to the reason for calling in. He was plugging these V-Greetings he has going on. You go to either LoadTV.com or VGreetings.com and you can send video greeting cards on the web for free. He also told Howard that he had dinner with Melrose Larry and Ratso Sloman recently. Howard asked Andy if they were still alive after the dinner. Andy didn't understand why he asked that and Howard explained that it seems like everyone who comes close to him eventually dies like Phil Hartman, Chris Farley and David Strickland. Low blow.. yet funny as hell.
Andy told Howard that he has a new song that he wrote about Chris Kattan on Saturday Night Live. Andy's pissed about how he gets goofed on by Kattan on SNL and wrote the song. He performed it on the phone but Howard had to hit the delay every few seconds so half the song was missed. Andy said the song is available unedited at AndyDick.com.
Karaoke Lisa, Howard's Dinner With Steve Martin And More. 01/05/04. 8:30am
Howard said that Gary went to see the new ''Peter Pan'' movie and he didn't like it. Gary said the movie was a little creepy and not really for kids. He explained it to Howard but Howard noticed the shoes that Gary was wearing and asked if they were bowling shoes. Gary said they're just regular shoes and there's nothing wrong with them.
Howard changed subjects and asked Gary about his shopping trip to a Target department store while he was drunk. Gary said he was hammered on Sake and had a lot of fun doing the shopping. They spent a short time talking about that before Howard changed subjects once again.
Howard mentioned the company Christmas party. He had bad mouthed it before it even happened before vacation. Howard said he didn't want to bore people with the story but the space they were in was weird. The people were all spread out in the balcony at the Hard Rock Cafe. He said the Hard Rock is great, it wasn't about that. It was the fact that they were up in the balcony and not in the regular restaurant. Howard said Artie did his AC/DC thing but they didn't get it on tape. Howard said he and Artie were just killing some time before going to Scores to see some chicks. He said Stuttering John was weird because he left shortly after getting to Scores. John said he just wasn't in the mood that night.
Stuttering John said the entertainment for the night was a woman doing caricatures of people. The guys talked about how hot one of the sales girls was as she was doing karaoke.
Howard said he had some funny money left over from Scores when he was down in Anguilla and accidentally gave a cab driver one thinking it was a $20 bill. He said there must be one angry cab driver down there.
Howard said he got some strange e-mail about Artie over vacation. He heard that he was hanging out with High Pitch Erik. Artie said he was doing shots with people that were there in the bar.
Howard had Lisa from Sales come in to talk about her Karaoke performance. Howard asked her if she wanted to do some of that for them. She said that Frank (her boss) would get upset with her since they were all in a sales meeting. Stuttering John said that she gives great back rubs too. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Lisa but they couldn't find the song she performed at the Christmas party.
Howard was going to take some phone calls while they waited. Debbie Schlussel was supposed to be there but she didn't pick up. Chaunce Hayden called in and said he read that Howard had dinner with Steve Martin. Howard said they wrote it up in the paper. He said Steve wanted to do dinner with him back when he made his movie ''Private Parts'' but wasn't able to do it back then. He's regretted it since then. He said that Steve invited him out again after he mentioned it on the air not too long ago. Howard said it was great to meet Steve because he's been a fan of his for a long time. He said that he's a real nice guy and very gracious. Chaunce asked Howard what's going on with Steve's hair. Howard said he didn't see anything strange going on there, it was just grey hair. Chaunce said he's heard that he wears something up there but Howard didn't get that feeling.
Howard said he heard that Chaunce banged two strippers at the appearance that Artie made. Someone wrote in and said he saw Chaunce getting close to Lisa and Liz from sales. Lisa said she didn't do anything with him though.
Howard got some of the Karaoke CDs they had there but Lisa wasn't interested in doing any of those. She just wanted to do the Lady Marmalade. They had the regular version of the song so she just sang along to that. She was pretty good and Howard told her that he might have to bang her after seeing her performance.
Howard said they have pictures of Artie singing Karaoke at the Christmas party. They checked out some of those and talked about the performances. Howard had to take another break shortly after that.
In the clip Robin read about the death of a mob guy. Robin said they found the guy shot with a lap full of fish. Howard wondered why they did that. Howard said he must have broken the code where he was with a mob wife or something. Robin said that she's thinking back to the godfather wondering what's up with that. Gary came in and said you just have to watch a movie to figure that one out. Howard said he thought it meant lesbian hit men did it.
Gary said all you have to do is watch a movie. He said it just means that he's sleeping with the fish. Howard said he loves that Gary thinks he knows everything about the mob just because he's Italian. Gary said he just watched a movie to figure it out.
Howard said Gary annoys him. Gary said he's been trying to stay out of his hair. Howard said someone had to take the risk to pour fish in this guy's lap. He said that takes balls. He said they had to shoot him first and then put fish on his lap. Howard said it's enough of a statement to just kill the guy. He said you don't need to put fish in his lap. He said they don't need to kill everyone either. Howard said he's not sure why anyone would work for a radio station that kills its employees. Gary said it could have been many things that got him rubbed out.
Robin said this guy was a very powerful guy in the mob. Howard said that mob guys tell you not to talk about the mob. Howard said they say that you don't know them. Gary said he's not saying anything about them. He's just explaining what he figured out. Howard said he knew a mob guy who was having trouble and he knew the mob was coming after him. He said that he sent his whole block to Hawaii to get them out of there. Gary said that sounds a little far fetched. Howard said he didn't want any of his neighbors getting killed. Gary said he can't imagine anyone that nice. Howard said that's a story he heard.
After a fast forward we heard more of Robin reading about the stuff in the guy's lap and it turns out it was a jar of squid in his lap. It may have been his dinner. Howard said that means he wasn't sleeping with the fish. Robin said they say that he may have picked up some squid for dinner. Howard said those wacky Mafia guys. Gary said they've been watching too many movies. Robin said Howard was right and they wouldn't take the time to go back and put fish in his lap. Howard said he knows a guy who eats in his car and he's got a $40,000 Jaguar that he has spaghetti sauce stains on his carpet. Howard said squid is the most disgusting food.
Gary said he knew a guy whose family would have octopus for Christmas Eve. He said they'd buy the thing and cook it up for the whole house. Howard said he'd never eat anything like that. He said the head looks like Braniac 5's head. Howard said that's disgusting. He said some stuff black's eat is disgusting but octopus is disgusting.
The guys talked about some other wacky foods that people eat. Robin said that pigs knuckles are one thing that she's tried. She said that there is one tiny piece of meat in there that's really good. Howard said gefilte fish is disgusting. He said that isn't from any sea he knows about. Howard was still blown away by the octopus thing. Howard said he has seen it in a restaurant by accident. He said that the suction cup things are gross.
In this clip we heard Robin reading some news while Steve Rossi sat in during the news. Gina Girl was there so Howard had her come in while Steve was sitting in. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Gina Girl about various things and she wasn't making much sense. Howard told Steve not to laugh at her because he doesn't make much more sense than she does. Howard told her that she should do her smegma dance for Steve later on. She said she could do that.
Robin read some more news and Howard would throw in a question for Gina Girl here and there. Howard joked with Steve about how Gina Girl was going to replace him.
Howard said he doesn't think Crazy Jerry treats her very well. Gina Girl said he does. She told Howard that she got thrown out of her home and Jerry took her in. He lived next door to her. She said that Jerry gave her a bath.
Robin read some more news and read about a janitor who had Legionnaire's disease. They spent a few minutes talking about how it can be passed from person to person. Howard heard that and jokingly asked Gina Girl to leave the room. Howard said they have some nasty stuff there in the bathrooms at K-Rock.
Howard asked Gina Girl what she does for a living. She said she collects Social Security now. She said that she gets some money from Crazy Jerry too. It's only 10-20 bucks a week though. Howard said Jerry sounds like a wonderful guy. Gina Girl said he's the best.
Robin read about how they're talking about colorizing ''Citizen Cane.'' Howard said he loves that Spielberg has no shame. Howard said he'd love if they colorized The Munsters and The Addams Family. Gina Girl said she's all for it too. She said she likes All in the Family the best.
Howard wrapped up with Steve and Gina Girl a short time later. Howard found out that Gina Girl is single even though she lives with Crazy Jerry. Howard said she reminds him of Mae West a little bit. Howard said if she could only take her teeth out she'd look just like her.
Howard said Gina Girl is going to be in their movie ''China Girl'' which is kind of like Rain Man. Howard described what it was about and how they were going to give her a very special ability. He said he won't tell what that ability is though. He's going to wait until they finish the bit. Gina Girl said the special ability is that she takes her clothes off.
In the clip we heard Robin reading a story about a drunk driver in the news. That led to Howard talking about a rumor he heard about Jackie telling John to cut down on drinking. John came in and said that Jackie told him he shouldn't drink so much and he figured Jackie was sick or something. He didn't think he was fooling around. Jackie said he's not going to have lunch with John if he's going to go around telling people about this stuff.
John told Howard about what Jackie gets at lunch. Jackie told Howard about how John gets a massage at his home and he hides behind a blanket they hang so no one can see. John told Howard about what Jackie eats and how he's like a caveman when he eats. Fred said he's seen that and he's right. John said that Jackie eats all of that and then gets a diet Coke. He laughed as he told the story.
Howard asked Jackie what he drank. John said that they both got drunk on Tuesday night this week. He said it's kind of odd. Howard said it was a religious holiday. Howard said he likes that Jackie is talking about cutting back.
John told Howard about a wine called Chivaz and he thinks Howard would like it. He said it's like a merlot that's mixed with a cabernet. Howard didn't seem to care.
Gary came in and told Howard about seeing Jackie eat so Jackie and John ended up goofing on him about the way he eats shrimp. John was laughing his ass off at Gary about that. Gary and Jackie went back and forth goofing on each other. John said that Howard should come with them to see Gary eating shrimp. He said it's like sticking a fat person in an inner tube.
Gary said that Jackie doesn't notice anything because he's so engrossed in his meal. Jackie asked how he creates his great artwork if that's the case. He said he sees everything that Gary does. Gary and John ended up talking about going out to lunch and who pays. Jackie said that John doesn't even buy him lunch even after he let him stay at his house for two days. John said it was just one day and he did buy him lunch.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's called ''Chriaz'' not Chivaz. John said he loves it. He didn't even know what it was called though. Jackie asked how he even tasted it after having two martinis before that. John said Howard has to try martinis. Gary said that John needs constant validation so that's why he's trying to turn him on to that. Gary said that's John's whole life. John said that's just not true. Gary said it is too. He said John is always talking about what he turned Howard on to.
Howard cut the guys off saying this was crazy. He told them to get back to the office. Howard said he doesn't like martinis and he's not going to be drinking them. The caller asked how John can even afford them. John said that it's like a six pack in that thing. Howard said that he was out to dinner with the director of ''Dude, Where's My Car'' so that's probably how he afforded it. John said he didn't make him pay.
John and Jackie were goofing on each other about this movie that Jackie is involved with called ''Pot Luck.'' Jackie has a song in the movie and he told John it looked good for making it in. Jackie told the guys about the movie and who was going to be in it. Howard said he had to finish the news so he could get out of there.
Jackie said he's going to bring a video camera with him next time they go to the Friar's club so he can tape Gary eating. Howard said he should tape himself there too. Howard goofed on Jackie some more about the song he has in that Pot Luck movie. He asked Robin to finish her news after that.
This Date in Howard History was over around 11:40am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:10am.