|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about Zenaida Perez the crying chick that they played clips of last week. Howard played some of her singing clips and said that Richard put her song to music. He played the song with the music and laughed. He said it makes him laugh.
Robin was also singing last week so Howard said people were saying it's the best thing they've ever done on the show. Howard played some of that too. He said he likes the way Robin says ''Co-cai-aine-ah'' in that clip. Howard got some laughs out of that too. Robin was laughing and said it makes no sense.
Howard read some email about the co-cai-aine-ah'' song. He had a bunch of positive feedback about that. Howard said people want more of that. Howard said there was one person who said that they didn't laugh once at the show because they were in a bad mood but as soon as they heard that they laughed. Howard said he thinks that her trip to Peru liberated her. Robin said she did that all the time but that's the first time she got caught.
Howard said everyone sings in private but they don't get caught. Robin said she caught herself changing the word and she thought how stupid it was. She said she asked herself what she was doing. Howard said she was upset with herself.
Howard read about the Lady Gaga discussions they had last week. He had one about Robin's constant detoxing and why she has to do that if she's living such a healthy lifestyle. Howard said Robin's singing voice has gotten much better. She was very deep voiced in that song but Chaz Bono is still deeper.
Howard said he watched the rest of the Chaz Bono special. He said he keeps coming back to the same point with that. He said Chaz was playing video games for 8 hours a day for a couple of years. Howard said he really needs a job. He said Sonny must have left some money to him and maybe he has no motivation to work. He said the chick who's hanging around with him must be with him for the money. He said that it's a weird thing to cut off your tits if you're a lesbian. He said that chick doesn't want to be with a dude with no tits. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about that.
Howard said HBO sent him a Bobby Fisher special. He said they show how Bobby went crazy in the special. He said they showed how he lived in isolation and how he didn't socialize. He said he quietly went insane. Howard said there is a certain madness that goes along with genius. Howard said the guy only had 5 years of being brilliant before he went mad. He said he became the biggest anti-Semite on the planet and both of his parents were Jewish. He said the guy was Jewish but he was anti-Semitic. He said the show is called ''About Bobby Fisher'' or something like that. Howard said the show isn't all that long and boring. He said it's not boring at all.
Howard said he heard a Howard 100 News report and Scott DePace made him so sick he had to turn it off. Howard said Brian Phelan adopted a puppy from the North Shore Animal League. He said Brian told him that the dog kept shitting in its cage. They put a wee-wee pad in there for it. Howard said the crate isn't for shitting so you don't put a wee-wee pad in there. Howard said that's what makes them shit in there. He said he must have been fucking high.
Robin said people don't know what they're doing with pets. Howard said Brian wanted to bring the dog back. He said he was getting wild over it. Howard said he went to Beth and Beth told him about this Greg Kleeva guy who worked with Beth. He said Greg agreed to work with Brian.
Brian came in and told Howard he has 3 kids and he's had a dog before. He knows what he's doing. Howard said the wee-wee pad is for the dog to piss and shit on so you don't put one in the cage. Brian said he pulled it right out when Howard told him that.
Howard said his problem isn't with Brian. He said Scott DePace is either arrogant or trying to be funny and he's just fucked up. Scott said he was just being funny. Howard said Scott got on and said to Brian that his advice was to smack the dog on the ass. Howard said it's not cool to advocate beating a dog. He said there are enough people who do that already. He said people are fucking morons.
Howard said this Greg Kleeva guy told him not to do anything to make the dog afraid of you. Scott told him that Greg said smacking the dog with a paper isn't wrong either. Howard said it's just not right.
Brian told Howard he stopped the wee-wee pad thing as soon as Howard told him about it. He said he has 3 kids so he thinks he can train a dog. He said he loves the dog too.
Howard let Brian go and Robin said that they're going to have to have all of the guys talk to this Greg guy. Howard said this is why he doesn't want to know what people are doing with these pets. He said it drives him nuts. He said everything drives him crazy.
Howard said he wasn't supposed to re-sign and this is why he should have gotten out. Gary told Howard that Greg didn't tell Scott it was okay to beat his dog. Scott said he didn't beat his dog. He slapped the dog in the ass with a piece of paper. Gary said that he was told to knee him in the chest too. That's what he told him on the Wrap UP Show.
Scott said he has never kneed his dog in the chest and he was just joking about that too. Gary asked if his trainer told him that was okay too. Gary said he's full of it and he was never told it was okay to do that stuff.
Howard, Gary and Robin were all up against Scott with the beating thing. Scott said he was told it was okay to hit the dog when you have to. Robin said she finds it odd that he would rather hit a dog when it's better to do it other ways. Howard said he didn't want to get into a long thing with this discussion.
Speech asked if Howard ever interviewed Kurt Cobaine. Howard jokingly said he did last week. He never actually did. Speech asked if he thinks that he's worth Courtney Love. Howard didn't understand the question. He meant to ask if he would have been as bad as Courtney Love in an interview. Howard didn't think that Courtney was that bad of an interview so he didn't get the question.
Speech asked them to play the Tracy Morgan phony phone call. Howard said he wasn't in the mood for a phony phone call but maybe they'll play that. Fred found one where the guys called a phone sex line and had Tracy Morgan audio clips having phone sex with a woman.
After that Howard and Robin talked about the call and how the woman brought up the N-word pretty quickly.
Howard said he had some audio clips to play. He had one of Lexington Steel cumming loudly. He played that one and the guy was saying ''Oh god!'' like a woman. Howard said guys don't do that. He said that's what women do. Robin said that's what a guy might do if he was receiving anal. Howard said he doesn't care how good the woman is. No guy is going to make that noise.
Howard told Jimmy to explain why he's there. jimmy said he's there for these things they call the upfronts. This is where the networks show off the TV shows they have to advertisers. He said they do that and they get commitments from the advertisers and then they end up canceling the shows.
Jimmy said the deals work out great for the advertisers because if the shows don't get the ratings they say they will, they get a better deal.
Howard said Jimmy is the one late night guy on ABC so he's got a good deal. Howard asked if he has to go do the upfronts. Jimmy said nothing ever happens at these things and this is his 9th year doing it. He said he thought it would be terrible if he didn't go and he could return triumphantly next year.
Howard said they treat Jimmy like shit over there at ABC but he's the only guy who can do this kind of thing for them. Howard said Jimmy doesn't say they treat him like shit but he's going to say it for him. Howard said this upfront thing is very important and Jimmy is the one guy they can go to for doing the event. Howard said the advertisers look forward to the whole thing and ABC isn't treating him that well. Howard said they don't pay him like they pay Leno and Letterman. He said they keep him on later at night like Fallon and Conan. He said he's really their Leno or Letterman but they treat him like he's second tier.
Robin said there was talk of putting Conan in his slot and moving him back. Howard said it's just not right. Jimmy said he's shedding second tears right now.
Howard said he can't think of anyone at ABC who could do what Jimmy does. Jimmy said he kind of created that whole thing. He said without the advertising department he probably wouldn't have a job so he feels he has to do this thing.
Howard said Jimmy was never a stand-up comic so this must have been kind of strange for him to do. He was learning to do this show in front of an audience and an advertising group. Jimmy said he did a couple of TV shows and he did stand-up with Adam Carolla on The Man Show. He said he got his show and did his show from behind a desk. Now he's done some stand-up and he's doing better.
Howard asked Jimmy if he has ever done a show where he doesn't have to use cue cards. Jimmy said he can't remember anything so he has to do that. Howard said he knows what he means. He can't remember anything either.
Howard said he got to see Jimmy prepare for the upfronts last year. He said that he practiced at the party he had out in L.A. Howard said he thought the jokes were very good but Ashton Kutcher told him which jokes he thought sucked. Howard said he saw over the weekend that he got the Charlie Sheen gig in Two and a Half Men. Howard said he saw that he's going to get like half a million an episode for the show. He said the guy is a movie star and he's taking a TV role. Robin said he started in TV so it's not that big of a change. Howard said Charlie is saying that it will tank. Robin said she's going to watch it just for Ashton. She said she wants to see what he'll do with the role.
Howard said Jimmy is going to be doing this upfront thing and trying out his jokes with the audience there. Jimmy said he can't run through his jokes at a comedy club.
Robin said Jay Leno is getting to be really obnoxious. TMZ found him driving around in a steam powered car. Jimmy said he drives around in those things all the time. He said that Adam goes and drives around with him in those cars and it's like he's in a parade all the time. Howard asked if he finds it shocking that he gets all of this attention and doesn't want to just sit back and relax. He puts himself in his own parade of one. Howard asked what that is. Jimmy said he's not sure what's going on. He must love those cars and he likes to show them off.
Howard said Jimmy used to be on Jay's show and then he burned him and now he doesn't hear form him. Jimmy said he doesn't hear form him and he thinks he'd probably try to run him over with his steam car if he did.
Howard said he thought Jimmy was portrayed in a very good light in Bill Carter's book ''The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early and Television Went Crazy.''
Howard said it must be weird to be part of that whole late night war thing. Jimmy said that is a very strange thing.
Jimmy talked about the first show he did and how good he thought it was at the time. He said he went back and looked at it recently and it was really bad. Howard said he had people drinking on the show at the time. They had to put a stop to that because of the liability. Howard said the guests are still allowed to drink but not the audience. Howard said maybe they should incorporate that bar into the show. He said it's packed with celebrities and they drink and mingle with the public. He said it's a wild scene. Howard said they could do a spin off called ''Jimmy's Bar'' and have some tape roll from there. Jimmy said they'd have to have another show following that show.
Howard asked if there is anyone who shows up too often and has to be turned away. Jimmy said that Andy Dick used to show up a lot. He said he had to be thrown out like 6 months ago. Jimmy said that's a bummer for him. He said he likes the guy and he had to be thrown out. Jimmy said he would want to come and say hello to some people and he'd visit the bar. Jimmy said that he would have to be escorted from the premises.
Howard asked if anyone has been turned away and called Jimmy personally to get in. Jimmy said he doesn't think that's happened. He said that they let anyone in until they do something bad. Howard asked who handles that and how they handle it. Jimmy said if you've been on the show you'd be welcomed to come back.
Howard asked Jimmy about the Baba Booey thing since he hasn't been there lately. Jimmy said he thinks that there's something going on between him and Fred and he blames Greg Fitzsimmons. He said he listens to every second of the show and Fred used to burst out with a ''According to Jimmy Kimmel I don't know what I'm talking about...'' Fred said he's right about that. Jimmy said that Howard will accept anything that Fred says as fact. Howard said he's right. He said Fred doesn't always know but he does let him end a conversation. He said he is wrong sometimes though. We're all human. Robin said they didn't know that Fred was human.
Howard said he didn't know that there was something going on between them. He said that Fred doesn't speak positively about Jimmy all the time. Fred said that's just not true.
Howard asked how he was at his party. Jimmy said he thought he was socializing and having a good time. Howard said he got to hang out with Don Rickles and his wife. Howard said Don talked to Beth too. He said it was very funny. He said he was sitting there talking to Don and Rickles told him a story about someone. He can't tell the story on the air. He said the story is private. Then he started talking about this person's wife and told him not to tell anyone. Beth said to Don ''I wonder what they say about me behind my back.'' Don said to her ''You? You're not that important...'' Howard said it was very funny. Jimmy said that Don will turn on a dime and you get popped in the head.
Howard said he told Don a story and he screwed up a name. He said he told him a story about Freddy DeCordova and it was about Peter Lasalle. He said Don corrected him and turned away from him.
Jimmy said that the story Howard was talking about was crazy. He said that Freddy was the producer for Johnny Carson's show for years. His wife spent every dime they had and she was left with nothing. Her maid had been saving money and she was building a replica of the house she was cleaning. Jimmy said the maid took Freddy's wife to her home and continued to be her maid. Howard said the maid said she couldn't serve her anymore and she was going to move to Mexico.
Howard said Johnny wasn't talking to Freddy at the end of his life. He said that Freddy gave Johnny the cut sign during a eulogy for his own son. That's why Johnny stopped talking to the guy. Howard said Freddy's wife had lost Freddy and the wife asked the maid to take her to Mexico. She had the same house built down there and she was kind of still her maid and it was a very strange story. Howard said that's what he tried to tell to Don Rickles and screwed it up.
Howard asked Jimmy about why Ben Affleck and his wife Jennifer Garner were at his party and didn't talk to him. Jimmy said he thinks that there were a lot of people who wanted to talk to him but so many other people were talking to him that they didn't get a chance. Howard said he didn't even know that Ben and Jen were there.
Howard said Jimmy had set up this karaoke thing at the party and he was testing it for days. He said he was checking it in an empty room and by the time the party came around no one could hear a thing. He said the music wasn't loud enough. He said he should have hired a guy. Jimmy said he didn't want a guy there. Howard said he gets that. He said Kristen Bell can sing and he was sitting next to her and she was good. He said he was the only one who could hear her. He said he looked over and Jimmy was very tired looking. He said he saw Jimmy just staring at the equipment. He said it looked like he wanted it to stop working. He demonstrated what that looked like. Howard said he knows that feeling. He said he would get crazy too.
Howard said Jimmy got upset that John Stamos had his guys there at the party. Howard said Jimmy was staring that equipment down. Howard said it was very odd that Stamos didn't bring a girl to the party. Jimmy said that was kind of odd. Howard said you look forward to seeing who he's going to bring. He said it was kind of a bummer.
Howard thanked Jimmy for having that party. He said he spoke to George Clooney and his girlfriend for a half hour so he felt like he was really in show business. Howard said he hung out at that party until like 1 in the morning too. He said he had to beg Beth to get out of there. He said it was enough already.
Howard said he felt like it was a great party because it was in his honor and anyone there doesn't hate him. He said Jimmy had vetted everyone to make sure they like him. Howard said the party was in his honor and he was sure that no one there hated him. Jimmy said Chris O'Donnell is a huge fan and he was upset that he didn't get invited. Howard said he should have invited the guy. Jimmy said he forgot about him. He said he was on the show recently and told him he would have liked to have been there.
Howard said he spoke to Jon Favreau. He didn't hear one word from Adam Carolla. Howard said he knows Adam and he could have spoken to him. Jimmy said Adam may have felt that there were other people there who he wanted to talk to. Howard said he's right about that.
Gary said he heard that Zach Braff wanted to go to the party and he wasn't able to get in. Jimmy said he didn't know what a big fan he is. Jimmy said there are some people who came into his life who just wanted to be at the party. He said he wanted to make sure that everyone who came is someone Howard would have wanted to be around. He said he thinks that he was happy with the people who were there.
Howard said he liked that Mary McCormack was there with her husband. He said that he was flitting around with the people there and Mary noticed. He said she was totally bamboozled. He said it was fantastic.
Howard said it was very odd to see Courteney Cox and David Arquette at the party holding hands. they spent a minute on that subject before Howard said he had to take a break. Howard said Jimmy is looking good. He's lost about 20 pounds. Howard said he's getting his whole thing together now. Jimmy said he's working on that like he did with the Karaoke.
Jimmy said he was kind of fat and he would make jokes about it thinking he wasn't really all that fat. He said he was kind of fat though. Howard asked what he's going to do with Molly. Jimmy said he's not sure. He said she stays at his house every night and she wants to keep her own place. Howard said he doesn't get that feeling that he wants to commit to her. Jimmy said she's keeping her place. Howard said every woman seems to do that. He said maybe every woman feels that if shit hits the fan with him that she'll have a place to go. Jimmy said the real estate market is bad out there too so it's not a good time to sell.
Howard said Jimmy is a very generous guy and he send him gifts right away after visiting. Howard said he has this picture that Jimmy had commissioned and he ended up hating it. Robin said she saw that picture at Howard's place and she wondered what it was doing there. Jimmy said the artist was very upset by what Howard said about it. Howard said the painting was awful and people were afraid to tell Jimmy how bad it was.
Howard said the painting is of him, Beth and the dog. He said it's very unappealing. He said the dog looks okay but he has cankles and his legs are too large. Jimmy said the guy was doing a funny painting. He said he wasn't trying to be serious with that. He said he'll show Howard some of his other work later.
Howard mentioned that he has been hired to do some photography for a child's birthday party. Howard said they have friends who have a 4 year old and they're having a birthday party. The mother asked if they knew any photographers. Howard said Beth sent this woman some of his work. Howard said he took 5 shots of Beth recently that are quite fantastic. Howard said he likes proving how professional he is. He said they sent her the pictures and Beth didn't tell her it was him. The woman thought the work was fantastic and asked if he would do the party. Beth then told her it was Howard Stern.
Jimmy said he can't imagine Howard at this party. He said he can't imagine him there and he really can't imagine him taking pictures. Howard said he's going to have to be there the whole time too. Jimmy told him to have the kid fake blowing out the candles. Howard said he's going to take this seriously and he's going to bring his assistant, his photography teacher. Robin said she can't wait until the day after this. Howard said they're lucky to have him. He said he's going to do a great job. Jimmy said he'll probably regret taking that job. Howard said he probably will but he's going to take that job. He said the woman is a former model so he's happy to do it. He said he'll be taking pictures of the moms instead of the kids. He thinks he'll be terrific. Howard said he has to take a break. Robin said that party is going to last about an hour with Howard as the photographer. Howard said he's going to be doing some other photography work and he'll be talking about that at a later date. Howard said he'll shoot anything and he's willing to do all of this. Jimmy asked ''Who are you? How did this happen?''
Howard said he'd like to shoot an NBA game or something like that. He said he really has to take a break though. He said Ted Nugent is going to be coming in later too. Howard said he loves that guy.
Howard said he has to take a break but he never finished the story about the painting. He said they have two paintings and they hang up Jimmy's when he comes over. He said they have one painting from Tom Chiusano's wife Penelope that they take down to put up Jimmy's. Howard said they put it up when Jimmy comes over and he's so glad he came clean with that story. Howard said this time to thank Jimmy they got him a gift for his kitchen. He said they figured they'd get him a professional ice cream maker. He said Jimmy likes to cook so they got him something nice. Howard said he got Jimmy an exercise bicycle the last time. He said they're almost up to a car at this point. Howard said Jimmy won't even eat ice cream in front of him now. Jimmy said his stomach attacked him after that party and he had eaten like a pig. He said he was in the bathroom almost crying that night.
Howard said they bought him this ice cream machine as a thank you for the party. Jimmy said you can make all kinds of things with this ice cream maker. He said the thing is a very high end food processor.
Howard asked Jimmy if he's feeling okay about his TV show. Jimmy said he's doing just fine. Howard asked if he thinks he'll ever get on at 11:30. Jimmy said he doesn't care. He likes being on at midnight.
Howard asked Jimmy about how he wants Ronnie to get his own show. Jimmy said he wants it to be called ''More Ronnie.'' Howard said Ronnie loves the name of it too. Robin said Ronnie must not get what the name is saying. Howard told her to shush.
Jimmy said that Ronnie is great and he always hits it out of the park. Howard said he told Ronnie to do the Hot Chick of the Week thing on Twitter. He said the guy is the best and you just have to think about it a little bit.
Ronnie came in and asked if the ''More Ronnie'' thing is a joke. Ronnie said someone called saying he was trying to make fun of him as saying ''Moron-e.'' Jimmy said that's not it at all. He told him not to listen to those haters. Ronnie said they're not haters, they're assholes. Jimmy said he has become semi-obsessed with Ronnie. He said that the ''T-O-P-L-E-S-S'' thing is what put him over the edge. Howard said he hasn't been on Twitter all that much lately. He said they were complaining about him not Tweeting enough. He said Steve Martin is on all the time and so is Albert Brooks. He said that Gilbert is always on too. Jimmy said he thinks that Albert Brooks isn't all that into it. He's just doing it to sell books.
Howard said he really has to take a break. They've gone an hour and a half so far. Jimmy and Ronnie ended up talking about what kind of show he could do but Howard said he has to take a break. Ronnie ended up telling Howard that it was Wayne Siegel that told him that the ''More Ronnie'' thing was an insult. Howard said the guy ruined his fun so he told Ronnie to tell Wayne to never speak to him again. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked Jimmy if he had heard that. Jimmy missed it so Fred played the clip of Robin singing by herself in her booth last week. Jimmy laughed when he heard it. Howard said that's karaoke there. Jimmy said he didn't recognize the voice. He said that Peru trip really changed her. Howard asked Jimmy if he's ever done that Ayahuasca thing. Jimmy said he hadn't. He said that's terrifying to him.
Robin said she went for the whole experience. She wasn't just going for the drugs. Robin said it was very healthy and it was a great detoxing.
Howard took a call from a guy who was saying he liked that Ronnie stuff and the ''moron-e'' thing. He said that he was laughing his ass off with that.
Howard asked Jimmy why all of his callers sound like they're in a submarine. Jimmy said he's not sure but maybe they're using CB radios. Howard said he's not sure that anyone uses those things anymore. Howard did an impression of the caller and hung up on him. He said he didn't know he was going to have a follow up.
Howard gave Jimmy some plugs for his TV show and for this show he and Adam are going to be doing at the Wilturn out in Los Angeles. Jimmy said that Adam is doing a comedy show now. He said he doesn't repeat stuff. He does like 8 or 9 hours of original comedy and he'll do an entirely new show each time. He said it's unbelievable.
Howard asked what Jimmy is going to be doing. Jimmy said he's not sure what they're going to do. He said there's an air of disorganization when they do these shows. Jimmy said he promises that the show is great even though 99 out of 100 comics couldn't do it.
Howard and Jimmy talked about Adam and Howard was doing an impression that sounded kind of like Garry Shandling to Jimmy. Howard asked if he was surprised that Gary showed up to his party out in L.A. jimmy said he knows Gary so he wasn't surprised.
Howard asked if Adam is jealous that they've become so close. Jimmy said as long as Adam has Jay Leno and his steam cars he's fine. He said they don't talk that much about Jay though because Adam might feel that it's kind of a strange thing.
Howard said Dave Letterman made a joke about Jay recently that was funny. He was trying to remember what it was though. He said it was something about his birthday and Jay being a tyrant and how he used the same knife to cut his cake that he used to stab Conan in the back or something like that.
Howard asked Jimmy if he saw Jay out at dinner if he would say hello to him. Jimmy said he thinks that he'd act like nothing was wrong. Howard said he gets the same feeling. He thinks that Jay would say hello even to him. Robin said she's not sure about that. She thinks that it's starting to get to Jay. Jimmy said he fights with kindness.
Howard asked Jimmy why Adam asked him to do this show he's part of. Jimmy said it's a big theater and he thinks that Adam thought he was the best choice. He's not getting part of the door or anything like that. Howard asked why he's doing it then. Jimmy didn't really say.
Howard asked Jimmy about how he had Charlie Sheen on his show and how he didn't sit down for an interview. Jimmy said he came in during another guest's segment. He said that he didn't think he'd get any answers out of him anyway so he didn't care. He said it was enough to have him walk on and do what he did.
Robin asked if Jimmy thinks that Charlie is insane. Jimmy said he must be. Howard said the guy has to be a genius based on the way he fleeced his audience with those shows he did out on the road. Jimmy said he seemed to be pleasing the audience enough that they let him keep doing them.
Howard asked if he got a ratings spike with Charlie on his show. Jimmy said it doesn't work like that but it was all over the news the next day. Howard asked if he's ever had a guest get him really high ratings. Jimmy said they get good numbers with Howard. He said there aren't too many people who get an increase. He said the Kardhashians get big ratings. He said people want to see them.
Howard asked Jimmy about editing out a joke Charlie Sheen made about his ex girlfriend. Jimmy said he knew it wouldn't bother Sarah but Charlie didn't know that they weren't dating and it seemed kind of harsh so they cut it out. He said Charlie was going on a little long anyway so they had to cut some of it out. Howard said he likes that Jimmy is a gentleman and he cut it out like that. Jimmy said it was something about his girlfriend blowing Charlie. He said that he didn't know Sarah's take on it until he heard her on Howard's show. Howard said they should have edited in Molly's name instead of Sarah's.
Howard asked if Conan O'Brien is still relevant. Jimmy said he thinks they do well in their target audience. Howard said you don't hear a word about him anymore. Jimmy said he hears things but he's involved in that whole world.
Howard asked if jimmy thinks that Letterman will retire. Jimmy said he thinks he might. Howard said he thinks it's enough of Dave now so maybe he will. Robin said she's not sure about that. She thinks that he might stick around like Johnny Carson. Carson was forced out of his gig.
Howard said he thinks that Dave had that one thing that was fun for him and now he can't do it anymore. He said he must be miserable.
Howard asked Jimmy what he's going to be doing for the upfronts. Jimmy said he'll stay in the hotel writing jokes. Howard asked him about going on Letterman's show. He was on last year around this time. Howard found out that he got to say hi to Dave after the show. Jimmy said Dave asked him to stop by. Howard said he's never been asked to stop by afterward. He said he wouldn't do that even if he was asked though. Howard asked Jimmy if he was told that Dave wanted to say hello after the show. Jimmy said that's what he was told.
Howard asked Jimmy if he had to wait for Dave for long. Jimmy said he was in the area. He said he talked for maybe a minute or so. Jimmy said it wasn't that much waiting. He just finished his segment and talked to Paul. Howard asked if he suggested some stuff for Dave to do. Jimmy jokingly said he was giving him advice.
Howard said he found it to be bullshit when Dave and Jay did that Super Bowl commercial. Jimmy said he has a theory about that. He said there's Dave and Jay and Jay wins in the ratings. He said people think Dave is better, and Dave is better, but they don't need all of these other guys doing late night. He said they're like Batman and Superman and they don't need Aquaman and all of these other assholes running around. Jimmy said they probably just thought it was funny and that's why they did the commercial. Howard said he never considered that. He said maybe he was tired of everyone thinking about everyone but him and Jay. It's like Dave and Jay are each other's assholes and Dave just wanted his asshole there. Jimmy said he was bummed after that commercial. He said he wondered why he was doing that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Jimmy humiliating Gary with the pitch thing. He loved seeing Robin throw that pitch perfectly too. Robin said she never throws a pitch either. Howard said Gary doesn't understand why he had to jump into the fray. Jimmy said Gary thinks that because he's his friend that he wouldn't do that. He said he does terrible things to his friends all the time though. He said that's what he does. Gary said he was afraid he was going to say he wasn't really Gary's friend.
Howard said he thought he was going to say he was trying to let him redeem himself. Jimmy said he thought he was going to throw a strike. He didn't know that it was going to go so badly. Jimmy also talked about how he had done Letterman before his show so they have to do something different. Howard asked about Gary hitting the woman in the head too. Jimmy said it was a safety ball so it wasn't as hard as a baseball.
Howard asked what's wrong with Gary that he can't throw that pitch. Gary said he thinks that God has a sense of humor and as long as he has a camera on him, he's not going to be able to throw a ball straight.
Howard mentioned that Jimmy was in Bora Bora when that tsunami hit. Jimmy said he had dreams about tidal waves like that and it's apparently a common thing. Howard said he's gone on vacation with Jimmy and he's not afraid to walk into town like he is. He asked if he was scared by that tsunami scare. Jimmy said he was scared. He said that they went out in this boat to be taken to another island and the boat kept breaking down. He said that he thought he was going to die like that.
Jimmy said they went up this hill to get away from the water and they waited up there for this wave to come. He said it was supposed to hit at 7:04 and it didn't happen. He said they waited for a while and waited for the ''next one'' and nothing happened. Howard said he had to take another break after that. Jimmy was going to head down to the Regis and Kelly show. Howard wrapped up and gave Jimmy some plugs and gave out AdamCarolla.com as one of the plugs. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he loves Ted Nugent. He said he's one of the best gusts around. He said he's fascinating and he can't wait to talk to him. Ted came walking in a short time later. Howard said it was great seeing him.
Ted said hi to Robin and to Fred who had just walked out of the studio. Howard said he liked hearing Ted playing the Star Spangled banner for Mike Huckabee. Ted said he brings a guitar and amp with him wherever he goes. He said that people forget that he's all about music. Ted said that he still tours like a mad man. He said he's all about music, music, music, music.
Ted told Howard that there's such an overt leftist extreme against him. He said that he's just out there touring and making a living. He said he's living a comfortable life too. He said he lives in Texas and has 300 acres out there.
Ted said he lost his house in Michigan to mold. He said that the house is a hole in the ground right now. He said his family got sick from the mold in the house. Howard said he didn't know he was serious about that. Ted said a lot of people have lost their lives to the mold. Ted said his wife, Shemane, had terrible migraines until they went out on tour. Then they figured out that it was the house that was causing them.
Ted said he's exposed to this stuff out in the wild. He said that this black mold had spread through the house and it was behind the headboard of their bed. He said you can't kill it easily so they moved. He said they went to Texas because all of his hunting buddies were down there. Ted said that he
Howard asked Ted about his father and how he was as a dad. Ted said he never beat him but he would smack him on the head once in a while. He said this dad was a drill Sargent at 19 so he was against all of this beatnik music and stuff. Ted said his mom would play music and goof on Peter, Paul and Mary. He said that he's a happy son of a bitch and he loves being disciplined. He said you can't have a good life if you're not disciplined.
Howard asked if his father hated music. Ted said he hated it but he made him practice every day. He said he had a lot of influences like The Beatles, blues bands and all kinds of things like that. Howard asked if he can read music. Ted said he can't. He said he could in the beginning but not anymore. He said that it's all about the feeling anyway. He said he got to jam with B.B. King and guys like that.
Ted told Howard that he remembers hearing Eddie Van Halen for the first time when they were opening up for them. He said that he was like Hendrix gone mad. Ted said he didn't even recognize the amps he was using. Ted said that Eddie had this unique sound and he told him to try it with his guitar. He said he invented this stuff. He said he started playing and it sounded like his own guitar. It's all about the touch of the guitar. Ted said he was blown away by Eddie when he heard him play. He said he's a magical technician with a soulful and raw musicality.
Howard asked if it's hard to get along with a guy like Eddie since he's not as disciplined as he is. Ted said it's not. He said he has always gotten along perfectly with Eddie. He said there are times when he's jammed with him and it got to the point where drunk is cute at first but not as cute later. Then it's just a pain in the ass. He said he loves Eddie but he was always drunk and zombie so it was hard to deal with. Howard said that's what Sammy Hagar said in his book.
Ted told Howard that he loves playing music and he went on Jimmy Kimmel's show to play with his band and went on Letterman just to play with his band. He said he loves doing that.
Howard said he heard that Ted has some interesting people with him. He has a federal Marshall with him. They had to leave some hardware out in the vestibule. Ted said he has done some raids with the cops before. He said that he has never had to fire his weapon but he would if he had to. He said he can carry a gun nationwide since he is law enforcement. He's allowed to carry in New York and he has a badge. He showed them the badge.
Howard asked when he has time to do all of this. Ted said that they actually train at his ranch because he has a sniper range there. He said that they go out and find all of these scumbags out there and it's the most subhuman life you've seen. He said that he wants to just shoot them to put them out of their misery. He said that they look up at him and recognize him and say ''that's Ted fucking Nugent.''
Howard asked Ted if his son was the one who came in and set up his guitar. Ted said it was his son Fleetwood. He said that his kids have real jobs and they all kick ass. They get to come out with him for shows and stuff. He said his son Toby has a job with him so he has a great connection with his boss. Howard said he has the feeling that he'd be a hard father to have. Ted said he'd like to hear his kids on Howard Stern talking about that. Howard asked if any of the kids are liberal in their politics. Ted said they're not and it's not just because of him.
Howard said when Ted was a very young man he had to give up two kids to adoption. Ted said Fleetwood is one of them. Howard said he wants to say hello to his kids. Sasha, Toby and Fleetwood all came in after that.
Howard asked Sasha about her husband approaching Ted and how hard that must have been. Ted said he's pretty easy going. Howard said Toby looks brow beaten. Howard asked Toby what it was like for him growing up. He said growing up wasn't hard. He said that he has his own opinions and he's not afraid to talk to his dad about that.
Howard said he loves Ted but he has the feeling it would be tough to grow up with him as your dad. Ted said it's a riot. He said they do everything together. Howard said if his daughter voted for Obama then what would he do? Ted said he's slap the shit out of her. He said he was just kidding about that of course.
Ted said that Piers Morgan asked him what he would do if his son came home saying he was gay. He said he told him that he'd tell him to shut the fuck up, get his gun and ''lets go hunting.'' Howard asked Sasha if she hunts. She said she doesn't like going out but she does like cooking it.
Howard asked Sasha if she discussed sex with her father. She said she did actually. Howard asked what he told her. She said that she lost her mother when she was little so they've always had a very open relationship.
Howard asked Fleetwood how his upbringing was since he was adopted. Fleetwood said his mom raised him and he had a good upbringing. He said he knew of Ted and his music but he didn't have his music in his collection. He said he was into Radiohead and The Cure and bands like that. Howard asked Fleetwood if he got laid being he was Ted's son. He said he hasn't yet. He just found out he was his dad at the age of 42. Howard said that's pretty amazing. Fleetwood also said that he voted for Obama but he didn't know that Ted was his father at the time. Howard asked Fleetwood if he was mad that his father gave him up for adoption. He said he wasn't angry.
Howard found out that Ted has hit his kids in the face. Sasha said he once grabbed her by the neck and pulled her off a motorcycle. Ted said he's a logical guy and he wants his kids to be in a safe position. He said that he wants them to get jobs and be safe out there.
Howard asked Sasha when she had the sex talk with her father. She said that her dad taught her everything she needed to know about sex and tampons. Ted said that you have to plug that shit up. He said that the tampons are great for attracting bucks too. He said you hang one from a tree and they come right up to it and then you shoot them.
Howard thanked the kids for coming in and let them go. Howard told Ted to talk to him about music. He gave him some plugs for his upcoming tour and said you can find out more at TedNugent.com. He also has a book out called ''Ted, White, and Blue: The Nugent Manifesto.''
Howard asked Ted if his father knew about his success. Ted said his father did get to see some of the huge shows he did. He said his father was happy to see that he was successful. He hated the music he played but he knew that he had to practice if he was going to be good at it. He said he made him turn down his music but he made him practice.
Ted said his whole family is successful. He said his brothers have great jobs and so does his sister. Howard said he heard that the real Ted is a guy who sits at home and sips wine and puts his feet up. Ted said that he is like that. He said you'll see that on his show ''Spirit of the Wild'' all the time.
Howard asked Ted what he was obsessed with when he was a kid. Ted said that Chuck Berry was big at the time. He said that Les Paul had just electrified this thing. Howard told him to pick up his guitar and play something for them. Ted picked up his guitar and turned on his amp. He played some stuff for Howard. Howard said ''Nice!'' He liked the way it sounded. Ted said back then when he heard Chuck Berry playing it sounded like this... and played some more.
Howard asked if he practiced that relentlessly. Ted said he did. He played some more for Howard. Howard asked him to play more for him. Ted played some of his own stuff. He said he thinks that he got some of that from the Bonanza TV show.
Howard had Ted playing a bunch of his songs. He played a short bit of each song that he was talking about with Howard. Howard asked if he still practices. Ted said he does it every day. He said he doesn't do it for hours but he plays every day. Ted said he has a guitar in every room so he will play it for a short time.
Ted told Howard about some of the stuff he's doing with some other guys who will be playing with him. He played ''Route 66'' for Howard.
Howard had Ted play some Wango Tango too. Ted did that for him. Howard said those are some great, sexy licks. Howard asked how old he was when he knew he was going to get laid. Ted said he played for the music and he still does. He said the whole sexual thing has nothing to do with the music.
Howard said you do have to love the guitar to stick with the music. He said that rock stars get laid though. Ted said that women have no control whatsoever. He said they hear Stranglehold and they're done.
Howard gave Ted some more plugs and Ted played a little more as he was doing that. Robin asked Ted about the guitar and Ted told them how much he likes that one. He owns about 39 of them. Ted said he likes the Telecaster.
Howard said he could talk to him all day about this stuff. Howard asked if he ever hunts with his fans. Ted said he has done that with fans. He said you can buy into the hunts he goes on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves hearing Ted playing more than he even likes the Sybian rides on the show. Another guy said Howard should go see him play at the Iridium club because he's great.
Another caller said that Courtney Love said that she gave him oral back stage once when she was 12. Ted said that's just not true and he would have remembered something like that. Another caller asked what he thinks of the hunting laws out there in Michigan. Ted said the state is a cluster fuck but he thinks that the governor they have now is a good guy and he'll get things straightened out. Ted explained his thoughts on all of that. Howard wrapped up and gave Ted some more plugs after that. They went to break a short time later.
Robin started her news with a story about a woman who is suing Disney over being groped at Disney World.
Robin read a story about a woman who could face the death penalty after a jury found her guilty of killing her 4 week old child.
Robin read about how Jon Stewart will be on the Bill O'Reilly show this week. They're going to be talking about the first lady inviting rapper Common to the white house. Howard said he can't wait for that big debate.
Robin read about a French guy who is up on sexual assault charges there in New York. Robin said that a maid was in his room when he came out naked from his hotel bathroom. The woman fought him off and ran off but he chased her down and allegedly forced her to have oral sex. Robin said that he was considered a possible candidate for president of France.
Howard took a call from Erica the Gymnast who hasn't called the show for a long time. She wasn't there when he picked up. King of All Blacks called in and asked what kind of excuse Howard would use if he was that French guy. Howard said he would never attack a woman like that so he wouldn't need to have an excuse. King said he was just wondering what he would say. Robin said they want the guy to wear an ankle bracelet and took away his passport.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it was great hearing Ted Nugent on the show today. He said he was hoping he'd have more time to talk about the bin Laden thing with him. Howard said he can get him back in there another time and talk about a lot of stuff. He said he could talk to the guy for hours. Howard read a live commercial and went to break after that.
After the break Howard came back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin read a story about this new thing people are doing called ''planking'' online. It's where people take pictures of themselves laying on flat areas. Robin said a guy in Australia took it to an extreme and ended up dying. Robin said he tried laying on a balcony railing but fell to his death. Robin said they say that they expect more injuries and death with this planking thing. Howard said he saw Gary planking but he was actually just asleep.
Robin said there are people who think that the world is going to end on May 21st. She said we only have a couple more weeks. Robin said they're calling it Judgment day. Howard said he heard Sheri Sheppard talking about this on The View and she was in a group that believed in the end of the world. He heard she spent all of her money and ran up her credit card thinking the world was going to end. Howard said the date came and the world went on so she quit being a Jehovah's witness. Howard said she seems reasonable sometimes but what the fuck is that? Robin said she couldn't believe that she was willing to admit that stuff. Howard had the clip and said he'd play it if Robin wanted to hear it. JD said he'd have to look for that clip. He said he'd need about 5 minutes. Howard said that's a lifetime in radio. He told JD he let him down.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston and asked if he likes having one guest or two. Howard said one is plenty. He said Jimmy was in town too so they had him in. He said it's fine. Mark said the show goes by so fast though. He said that it really went by fast today. Howard said maybe that's good. He said he had fun today.
Robin said a man spent his entire life's savings buying advertising for the May 21st end of the world thing. Robin said that he spent about $140,000 on the advertising. Robin said they say that an earthquake will happen and it will render the earth uninhabitable.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Howard that Ted Nugent was great. He said he has a bunch of doctor appointments this week. He said he's getting his neck checked out. He said he has a stress test on Wednesday. Howard laughed and wished him luck with all of those tests.
Robin said that Matthew Perry's show ''Mr. Sunshine'' was canceled and some other shows. Robin said that Matthew has returned to rehab. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Ashton Kutcher being hired to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Robin said that Charlie has said that the show won't get more than a 2.0 in the ratings. Howard said he thinks that Charlie's ''Winning'' t-shirts are going to be stuck in a warehouse somewhere. Robin read some details of the deal Kutcher is getting. Robin said they had a bunch of people up for the role that didn't take it.
Robin said she knows Howard is in favor of abortion rights but there's a school that was helping students get secret abortions. Howard said he's for that. He said that a lot of kids can't go to their parents about that stuff and they end up committing suicide. Howard said young women need a safe place to go to discuss it and to get help. he's all for it. Robin said this is in New Zealand that this story was from. Howard said he's all for New Zealand. Robin said that the mother of the child was horrified that they let her daughter do that. Howard said abortion is necessary in this country and in New Zealand. He said he'd be fine with the pizza delivery guy helping a girl get an abortion.
Robin read about some of these people who are going to run for President in 2012. Howard said that Trump won't be running. Robin had some audio of Donald Trump making his announcement that Mike Huckabee won't be running. Trump said that the guy is a terrific guy and he thinks that a lot of people are happy he's not running. Howard said Trump isn't giving up his TV show or any of that stuff to run for President. Howard asked the guys if they wanted to bet him on that. No one was betting.
Robin read about some people who have thrown their hats into the ring and talked about Newt Gingrich and others.
Robin brought up last night's 60 Minutes and what they were talking about with Robert Gates. Robin had some audio of some other people talking about that. Howard did another live commercial a short time later.
Robin read about the Space Shuttle being ready to launch today. Robin said that it's going to be the final launch and Gabrielle Giffords will be there to witness her husband going up on the flight. Howard said it must be the final launch because the world is ending on May 21st. Howard told Robin that the shuttle actually launched an hour ago.
Robin read about Michelle Obama going to Spellman college and making a speech there. Robin had some details of that appearance and what she was telling the students there.
Robin read about the death of an NHL player who was found dead in his apartment over the weekend. Robin said he was only 28 years old.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's surprised that Robin didn't bring up the story about this woman who was pulled over for erratic driving while she was shaving her pubic area. Robin said she was on her way to a date and she didn't have time to finish it at home. The caller said that the woman's ex-boyfriend was in the passenger seat steering. Howard wondered if she was wearing panties. Robin wondered why she didn't let the ex drive.
Robin said the winner of the last two NY Marathons is dead. Robin said that he jumped off a balcony in Kenya and it may have been a love triangle that led to him killing himself.
Robin read about this guy who was beaten at a San Francisco Giants game is still in critical condition. Robin said he was taken out of the medically induced coma but he's still in a coma. Robin said they say he had trouble focusing when he did open his eyes.
Robin read that Billy Graham was admitted to a hospital last week for pneumonia and he has been released. He's 92 years old.
Robin read about Thor being number 1 at the box office this weekend again. Robin read about some of the other movies and how they did.
Robin read about Penelope Cruz being in the new Pirates of the Caribbean. Howard said he's never seen one of those movies and he's not into that. Robin said the first one was funny. She said it was goofy and not taking pirates seriously. Howard said he's not into it. Robin had some audio of Penelope talking about the movie. Howard played a few seconds of that before cutting it off.
Robin read about Lucy Liu being in a new animated film. Robin had some audio of her talking about that. Howard said he was watching that movie Jonah Hex movie and he was digging that. He had to end the show a short time later, right around 10:05am.
Jon said he wanted to talk about what Howard was saying about Scott DePace too. Gary said there are a few things he wanted to talk about there. He said he wishes that Howard could learn not to feel a responsibility for the dog after someone adopts it. He said if Brian Phelan doesn't do his job correctly it doesn't reflect on Howard. He said Howard seems to feel it does. Jon said Howard cares about what happens to that dog.
Jon said the issue Howard had was more with Scott and what he said. Jon said it took Gary about 3 seconds to light up on DePace. Gary said all he wanted to say was that it's not okay to hit a dog. He said Scott took a shot at him and he shot back.
Scott came in an said he wasn't there so he doesn't know what he was told. Gary said he heard that Scott was told it was okay to hit the dog. Benjy said that all Scott said was that the trainer said that's not his method to hit the dog but people do that. Scott said it all comes down to thinking it's cruel to smack a dog on the ass. Gary said he didn't want to get into it. He said it's not his fight.
Scott said that dogs can handle the pain. He said they bite each other so they should be okay with a little pain. Jon said dogs don't know any better though. They don't know that you're hitting them on the ass for some reason.
Benjy asked if a dog feels pain. Scott said they probably do. He said they bite each other and seem to enjoy it. Jason came in and said that dogs bite but they don't bite down as hard as they can. Jason said they play bite. Scott said he'll put his hand in there and they bite hard. He said they're not trying to draw blood but they do hurt.
Scott said Jason is going into that piece of shit vortex of his. He said he hears people saying that they turn the show off when they hear Jason on the show. Gary said he hears that about Scott too.
Scott said that dogs must have a threshold of pain and he doesn't think that what he's doing is abuse. He said that the dog loves him and he's not doing anything cruel.
Jon asked Scott what it was he said that got Howard so upset. Scott said he was jokingly telling Brian that he should smack the dog on the ass when it shits in the cage. He said he was just joking. Gary said he says he's joking about a lot of stuff though. Scott said maybe he's just too good and people don't get it.
Brian Phelan came in and said that it was great that Howard put his focus on Scott. He said that he has 3 kids and he's had a dog before so he knows how to train a dog. He said he was expecting more from Howard today but Scott got all of the attention.
Scott said he doesn't get why Howard thinks his methods are better than his. He said he never told Howard his method is worse. Scott said they have their own methods and he knows how to get a dog to stop peeing in the house. Scott asked who cares if he does it in a different way? He said the dog is not hurt forever if you smack them with a piece of paper. Gary asked why you don't do that to a baby when it shits in a diaper. Scott said he's a human being and you don't teach people how to do things by doing that.
Jason said that Greg Kleeva told him that he has a hands off method with pets. Scott said he told Greg about his method and he just told him that's not his method. He never said it was wrong. Scott said he thinks that an electric fence is more cruel than smacking with a newspaper. Gary said his dog doesn't wear a collar now. He said that he has a very active dog and he doesn't want it running into the street so he thinks he would do it again if he got another dog.
Scott said that his wife found an electric pad that shocks the dog if it jumps on the couch. He said that worked great. Jason found it funny that he was making fun of Gary for having an electric fence and he was shocking his own dog. Scott said that he was pointing out that Gary is a hypocrite. He said he wouldn't have a problem with an electric fence.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Scott is very wrong here but he usually defends him. He said that there are people who get very aggressive with pets and they show their kids that it's okay to do that. Scott said he slapped the dog in the ass and not very hard. He said he never kicked her or anything.
The guys were also pointing out that Scott had said he knees his dog in the chest to keep it from jumping up. Scott said he never did that and he was just joking when he said that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he has to disagree with Scott on this. He said he was raised with dogs since he was 1 year old and dogs will retaliate if you smack them on the butt. He said he's been attacked by dogs by doing that. Scott said it works for him.
Jason said he has a dog that bites him while they're playing and he's never been hurt. He doesn't get why Scott's dog bites him so hard it hurts. Scott said that Jason has a shitty little dog and not a yellow lab like he has.
Jason said if a dog respects you then you don't need to hit it. He said if the dog respects you then you don't need to do anything like that.
Another caller said that he has been training dogs for 20 years. He said Scott is training a house pet and there is documentation that they're bonding with you all the time. He said once you crack it then the dog becomes less trained. He said he's defying the trust by hitting it. Scot said his dog doesn't pee in the house. The caller said it depends on the bond you want to have with the dog. Scott said his is pretty good. The caller said you can't break that trust and you're not training a field dog. Scott said he's not the one putting his views on them, they're putting their views on him.
Scott said that they're not going to change his opinions on this. Gary said he's been saying he's been doing it for 30 years and he won't change. He said people learn over time and that's why people drive with seat belts now.
The caller had a bunch of dogs barking in the background as he was telling them about all of this. That made Benjy laugh. The caller said that he has 30 dogs there. The caller said that the electric fence thing works but the dog thinks that they did it themselves. He said that they don't know the owner is doing it so they don't lose that trust.
The caller and Scott went back and forth talking about that for a few minutes. The caller said he knows what he's doing and he gave Scott some advice but Scott isn't going to change. They had to go to break a short time later.
Ralph called in and asked Gary why he keeps mentioning the guy's name. He said that there's this thing called a DVR and some people may not have seen it yet.
Ralph said that Jason should stay out of the Scott discussion because his dog bites. He said that Scott isn't beating his dog and he's getting a bad rap now. He said they had Ted Nugent in there today and he kills animals. Jason said that there are some trainers who use a hands on method. Jason said that Scott has beliefs and he doesn't want to change. That's all that's about. Jason said there are people who think that spanking a child is acceptable. He said people have different views on that stuff.
Gary said that he thought it was funny when Sarah Silverman was there and they brought up that painting and she talked about how much Jimmy likes that artist.
Jon asked about the ''More Ronnie'' show and if Jimmy endorsing it is going to help him get the show. Ronnie came in and asked why they keep repeating the ''More Ronnie'' show. He said he's not sure if they're making fun of him. Ronnie said he got the call from Wayne who took it as pranking him behind his bad. Ronnie said he didn't take it that way.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks that he's going to get his show back. Ronnie said they'll have to ask Tim about that. The guys kept saying the ''More Ronnie'' show name and Ronnie still doesn't get it.
Ronnie said he missed some of the interview because he was dealing with Ted Nugent. He said the guy is very friendly. He said he thinks that his wife was very upset. He said she wanted to bust into the studio when he said that she was in rehab. Gary said he should have let him know that so he could have brought her in. Ronnie said he realized that later. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that he's an underrated guitarist. Gary said he's good but he's not all that into his music. Jason said he's not a huge fan of his music either but the guy is so into music that he really enjoyed hearing him talking about it. He said he found it fascinating.
Jon said the kids were in the entourage so they got to hear about Ted and the way he raises his kids. Gary said he was surprised that they admitted they got a smack in the face. Jason said they're not kids. He said they're like 40 year olds.
The guys talked about some of the other things Ted was talking about during the interview. They talked about how he was using tampons for attracting deer and things like that. The guys spent a little time talking about Howard going out and photographing the 4 year old's birthday party. They spent a minute talking about how strange that seems to be. Jason said that Howard is as crazy as Robin is by doing that. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how he was running around singing Robin's ''Co-cai-aine-ah'' all day. He said he can do it pretty well. It's stuck in his head now. Fred played the clip while Howard sang along to it. Howard said he knows that clip pretty well now. Howard said that's her new hit song.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Arnold Schwarzenegger coming out and saying that he fucked one of his staff. Fred and Howard played more of Robin's ''Co-cai-aine-ah'' clips for a minute before getting to the story.
Howard said the reason Arnold and Maria are breaking up is apparently because Arnold had fucked one of the women that worked in his house. He banged her and got her pregnant. Howard said he finally went to her and told her it was his kid. Howard said guys are something else. He said they have a whole different attitude. They talked about that French guy who had gone after that maid who was cleaning his room.
Howard said it's hard enough to get a good housekeeper and Arnold fucked her. He said she's working with his wife and that's like wanting to live your life at a heightened level all the time. Howard said that's insane to want to live with both women all the time. Howard said Arnold had to treat her like a maid after knocking her up.
Howard said Arnold was running for governor the whole time this was going on. He said this is a level of insane that he doesn't know from. The caller said he hopes he can get him in there. He said it would be the interview of all interviews.
Howard said the maid must have been paid off pretty well. She didn't go after him at all for 10 years. The caller wondered why he would confess. Howard said he doesn't know all of the details. That's a big secret to keep for 10 years. Robin said the woman might have been in love with him. Howard said he can't imagine that he was doing this while running for governor.
Howard said it would be so much easier to leave your wife and go out and fuck whoever you want. The caller said it's like a serial killer who wants to be caught. Howard said the guy must have been asking her to clean the house and then to suck his cock.
Howard wondered how long this was going on. He said you know it's bad when the real Arnold is crazier than the fake one. The caller said he knew something weird was going on but when this came out he was like ''Oh my god.''
Howard said Maria must be beside herself. He said that she's used to getting what she wants and now she's finding gout that he was fucking the maid for 20 years. He said she's got his baby now. Howard said the kid has probably come over with the kid and things like that. He said the betrayal must have been insane.
The caller said this made Jesse James cheating seem not so bad. Howard said Arnold will go out and be applauded by audiences in a few months. He said it's so insane because some people are ostracized for doing things like this. He said he admits to everything he does and advertisers won't hire him. He said he hasn't done anything and he won't get hired but Arnold can do whatever the fuck he wants and he still gets hired.
Robin said they had Maria talking about what a good guy Arnold is just a few weeks ago. She was saying he's not a womanizer and things like that. Howard said the guy is awesome.
Howard and the caller were talking about the Osama bin Laden and the porn they found in his home. Howard said the guy had four women in the house and he still wasn't satisfied.
Howard said he'll never figure out Osama either. He said he could have had a fantasy life with the money his family had. He said he decided to put himself into a life where he's watching shitty TV and shitty porn on that TV. Robin said you have to be out of your mind to do that. Howard said there's a whole movement of people who think he deserved a trial. Howard said that would have been a fiasco. Robin said those people weren't thinking about the fall out of a trial like that. Howard said we're at war and this world isn't perfect.
Robin and Howard talked about the people who wanted to see pictures for proof and things like that. The caller was getting a little long winded with his theories so Howard said he was going to let him go.
Howard let the caller go and got back to Arnold. Howard and Robin talked about that some more. Howard said he can't imagine putting himself through all of that. He said he's walking around as Governor and putting so much stress on himself. He said he knows guys who have this stress in their lives and he doesn't get it. He said if things aren't working out then break up if you can't work it out. He said it's humiliating to Maria. He said it's just not right.
Howard said now he's curious to find out what the maid looked like. He said he can't imagine what he was thinking. Robin said it's like that French guy going after the maid. He didn't even look at what she looked like. He was just seeing a female and went after her.
Howard said that people make mistakes but he can't imagine putting himself through that. He said it's the greatest.
Howard said there are guys who have a compete separate family and they go back and forth between them. He said it's wild. He said they go across town and live with one family and the neighbors don't know about it. Robin said Charles Kurralt was the best. She said that he had his family living in a cabin and someone had to know what was going on. Howard said John Edwards was fucking that haggy looking chick too. He said when you're married you lower your standards a lot. He said that it can be about convenience. Robin mentioned Monica Lewinsky and how Bill Clinton risked his whole Presidency for that. Howard said you take what you can get.
Howard said the maid may not have been a hot chick. He said she was no spring chicken because she retired in January. Howard said Arnold is a trip. He said he used to do the show a lot but not since he became Governor. Howard said his mother in law was in town once and Arnold came by and said hi to her. He said he was a lovely guy to him and he's not married to him so he's fine. Howard said Arnold was really cool to them over the years. Robin said that he called her once and apologized for her not enjoying one of his movies.
Howard said Arnold was really nice but he'd walk into a room with an entourage and it was a lot of effort to go through your day like that. He had a whole set up like he was the President. Robin said they had a whole schedule and they'd squeeze in the room to meet with him and his mother in law. Howard said it was a precision schedule that he was on. Howard said when it comes down to it Arnold gets home and looks at the maid. It's kind of sad. Gary told Howard that there's an article and it says that the maid was married as well.
Howard said he heard that King of All Blacks tried to bang Mariann once. He said he told a story on his show ''Black on Black'' last night about this. He said that he popped a boner looking at her and she ran for the hills. Howard said he had a clip from the show to play.
In the clip King told a story about dancing with Mariann and he popped a boner with her. Mariann said that they were walking home from somewhere and he had the boner. King said she felt something and she ran. Howard said he likes King but he laughs at everything he says on that show and it sounds fake. Robin said it's like that Brooke Burke on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said they have to get rid of her from that show. He said King is like that with his laughter. He said the show is pretty good though.
Howard had another clip of Big Black saying he could be a better security guard than Ronnie. Howard played that clip where a caller asked if he could do better than Ronnie. King said Big Black doesn't look angry like Ronnie does. He said he's a big oaf and he doesn't look like he could kick ass. He's not scary. Howard said he's right about that.
Howard said Ronnie doesn't have a plan for what he's going to do if he gets attacked but he does his job patting people down. Robin said he had to remove weapons from Ted Nugent yesterday. Howard said the guy has his back. He said Big Black might not have his back.
Howard played another clip from ''Black on Black'' where King talked about jerking off to Jennifer Lopez on American Idol. King was telling Big about how fine she is and how good she looks. Big said that she looks good but then King interrupted and said his nose has gotten bigger since the last show. Howard said he likes when King is laughing at Big Black because that's a genuine laugh.
In another clip King was telling stories about his foot fetish and how he paid $25 for the insert in a shoe. He said the foot fetish is getting worse so he's going to go to a shrink for that. He said he's not embarrassed by it. He said he's not embarrassed by it until he ejaculates. Howard said that stuff is pretty wild. He said that guy is a fucking character.
Howard played more of King talking about how he wants to stop with the foot fetish thing. He said he's afraid that he might be cured. He doesn't want to be cured but it's getting out of hand. King said his wife doesn't know that he does this stuff with other women's feet. He said he does it to her feet and that shows that he still loves her.
Howard said that's a good show. He enjoys it. He said Big Black doesn't eat pussy and King is beside himself. He said he can't figure him out. Howard played another clip of King and Big Black talking about eating pussy. Big said he doesn't want to put his face in there like that. king said he likes to eat that shit from the bottom up. A caller said that Big Black is afraid of pussy so that's why he's a virgin. Big was talking about how disgusting he finds eating ass. King said it's a beautiful thing.
Howard said Big Black is a weird dude. He said they're both weird. He said King talked about his wife a week ago and they had a whole discussion about his wife jerking off with a beer bottle and things like that. He said it's a good show. Howard said he's not sure he'd find that hot. He said he tends to think that they're out of their mind if they do something like that.
Howard played another clip where King was talking to his wife on the phone and doing that fake laugh of his. Howard said he's learning to do his show. He said for the most part the show is pretty good. He said he thinks that people like it. They get a lot of email about it being good. Howard said people are listening to it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was freaked out by that show when they were talking about how he thinks about going after girls. Howard said he's a strange dude. The caller told him to keep the show on.
Howard had King on the phone so he told him to quit with the fake laugh. King said he doesn't fake his laugh. Howard said he can tell it's fake. He's forcing a laugh when something isn't that funny. King said Howard does that. Howard said he does not. Howard said he knows what he's doing in radio. He said that their show is good but the part that sucks is forcing that laugh. He told him to just talk and laugh if something is actually funny. He said he has some good stuff going on in the show.
King said he thinks that Big Black might be gay. Howard said he's not sure about that but he might just have problems. King said his wife thinks that he might be scared of having sex and having a relationship. King said eating ass isn't sick like Big Black said it was. Howard said the guy has never been that worked up to want to do something like that.
Howard said he still wakes up with a boner at 57 and Big Black says he doesn't get one.
Howard said there was another incident where a guy was clipping his nails on the subway and someone told him not to do that. Then there was a naked guy going around attacking people. He said there was one that took the cake though. He said the video is on YouTube and it's a guy sitting there and he's licking his shoe clean. Howard said he's licking it like a dog licks his feet. The Howard TV guys had it on the monitors in there. He said that the guys around this guy weren't moving. He said they just sit there while this guy is licking his shoe. Howard said he would get the fuck away from that guy. Howard said this guy had already cleaned his other shoe with his tongue. He said it's very disturbing behavior.
Howard said he took the subway to work years ago and he always felt like he had his Spidy sense on. He said that you never know what's going to happen on those Subways. He said it's very hard to live in New York City. He said he wouldn't live in the city if he didn't have to. He only lives there because it's convenient for work.
JD came in and said that there are people who stink up the whole subway car with the shit they bring on. They spent a few seconds on that. Howard said there are guys who you wish the cops could just shoot. He said the cops have to wrestle them down and the guys have retard strength so the cop doesn't have an easy time doing it. He said that this naked guy was one of those people. He said that if you don't appreciate the police just get on the subway with one of these crazy people and you'll appreciate them.
Howard said he went shopping the other day and he saw some cops in the mall. He said he waved to them and he figured that if something went wrong there they were the only two who would do anything. He said he appreciates that. He said sometimes that's not enough to keep people from going crazy. Robin said what Howard isn't thinking about is how well people get along most of the time.
Howard said he went shopping for a new suitcase. He said he had one for like 25 years and it finally broke. He said he ended up buying the same thing that he had. Howard said it was $1,100. He said he was shocked that it was so much. He said they monogrammed it for free though.
Robin said she went to Spain a few years ago and she had to buy a new suitcase over there after they broke her's. She said her new suitcase looked like it was 5 years old after just one trip. Howard said he found a cool looking piece but it wasn't as practical as the bigger, uglier one. Howard said he got this Tumi luggage piece that was just practical. He said Beth told him he should do that.
Howard said that people have to stop telling him that chess is the same thing as video games. He said it's not the same thing. He said it's an intellectual thing to play chess. He said most people don't understand the game. He said that's bullshit that chess is the same as gaming. He said playing video games is for retards. He said it's not the same as chess.
Howard said chess players are brilliant. He said they devote their lives to these games where you have to think 15 moves ahead. He said it's not the same thing as an army video game. Howard said chess improves your mind. He said it's like the difference between a crossword puzzle and a Rubik's cube. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Robin is working her way into every song. He played a couple of songs with her clips inserted into them like ''Macarena.'' He also had a Little Mikey song where he included her clips. It was a remake of ''Cocaine.'' Howard said Mikey's dream came true to sing with Robin.
Howard said Dan the Song Parody Man worked in the ''Co-cai-aine-ah'' clip. He said he has so many songs that he could probably do a full hour. He said that Little Mikey, Eli Braden and Psych are all sending in songs. There are others too. Howard played some of the songs these guys have been sending in. He played one from Eli Braden and one from Little Mikey. Howard had to correct the guys in the back about who wrote the original song. It was Elton John, not Billy Joel like they had written.
Howard said a guy by the name of Stripes sent in a song too. He played that one. Howard said that was a good one too. Howard said that's a new guy. He had another one from Eli Braden. Eli did one to the tune of ''Hard Day's Night'' and another one called ''Robin Please Blow Me Right Now.'' Howard said this guy is deep. He has it bad for Robin.
Howard said Eli is right on Robin's stuff or when Ronnie does something. He played another one of Eli's songs about Ronnie and his Tweeting. Howard said he's got quite a voice. He said it sounds like he might have had a career in music but not quite.
Howard said that Mikey has a lot of songs but he hasn't gotten to all of them. He said he'll get to them eventually.
Steve said they have a story about Rachel Fine (RachelFine.com) and Richie Wilson getting engaged. Howard sounded shocked. Steve said the date should be September 29, 2012. Howard asked what the significance is. Howard said he'll go to that wedding. He said that's when the vacations are over and won't be interrupted. Howard said Rachel is a beautiful girl and Richie is finally committing. He said he gives that 2 years.
Steve said that Sal and Richard spent a weekend together in Atlantic City. They got a hot stone massage together.
Steve said that the guy who is in charge of the John Gotti film is puzzled by Howard saying that they don't have a movie. Howard said he just said they don't have a script. Howard said he's never seen such carrying on over a film that hasn't been made. He said he's just wondering if they're trying to put the cart before the horse. He said they're signing all of these people but he's wondering if they have a script yet.
Steve said they spoke to this guy about the film and he was wondering if Howard wanted to place a bet on it. Howard said he doesn't want to do that. He said something peculiar is going on and that's why he's been questioning it.
Steve said that Will Murray and Steve Brandano hopped into a pair of Jason Kaplan's pants the other day. They both fit inside those pants. Steve said they have some more details about Robin's charity auction that's going on too.
Howard asked what the doctor said to her. Bee said he told her that it looks like every other pussy to any other guy. Howard asked to see it. Bee showed them what it looks like and Howard asked what the hell is going on down there.
Howard said it doesn't look right. He told Robin to take a look. IT was a big opening down there. Robin said it was in the wrong place and everything. Bee said he was hung high as a man so everything is out of place.
Howard asked Bee if other guys know that she's a guy. She said that she has told some guys but other guys don't know that she was a man. She said she has the lights out when they do things. She said she doesn't have experience with pussy so she's not sure if the angles are right or anything like that. He said guys tell her that she's very tight. She said it hurts her when they do her.
Howard said she does look like a woman. Howard said she appears to be very nervous. She needed some water. Howard said she's dry in the mouth and down below.
Howard asked if she's ever not told guys that she's a man. She said she has done that. Howard said he would think she's a woman based on what she looks like. Bee said she appreciates that. She said she hasn't had any face work done and no fake tits. She said she doesn't even have implants.
Howard took a look at her tits and asked if she has a job. She has a job and she's not out at the job so people think she's a woman. She said that guys don't hit on her at work so much. She said it's not as much as she'd like. She said that she has a lot of senior citizens there at work.
Howard asked Bee when she knew that she wanted to be a woman. Bee said she wanted all of that girl stuff at an early age. She didn't know she wanted to be a woman though. She said her parents may have seen what she was very early on.
Bee said she'd like to live a life where someone accepts her situation. She said that she'll tell the guys about her past and they'll head for the hills. Bee said she had a boyfriend pre-op who ended up kicking her to the curb. Howard asked if she misses her cock. She said she doesn't miss it at all.
Howard said the doctor didn't nail the vagina. He said that it's a hatchet job. Bee said that her hatchet wound is a hatchet job, yes. She said that she was recommended to this guy by some people and she paid $18,000 for the operation. She used the money from an inheritance she got from her father for that. She also bought a car.
Howard said that they have her picture up on Twitter. Howard said Bee has this fake vagina and it's not right. She said she has like 5 or 6 inches of depth. She said she only dilates it once a week or so and she thinks that she could fuck instead of that if she had a partner. She said she could do it more often and keep it loose. Howard asked if she scrubs it all out. She said that she douches. She said it's like washing your hands.
Howard asked what he can do to help. Bee said that she was looking for some exposure to get someone to help her out with the look of the vagina. She said that she'd like to get herself out there. She said that the operation can cost $15-20,000. She said she paid about that much but she had some issues with proper blood flow. She said that's why it dried up the way it did.
Howard asked if she can still have an orgasm. She said she can but it depends on the way your sensitivity is pre-op. She said she was very sexual before the operation and she could finish in seconds.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is a very disgusting thing to him. He said he knows what a squid beak looks like. Howard said they'll show that thing on Howard TV. Bee sounded like she was disappointed by that but then said it was okay.
Howard asked Robin about the vagina. Robin said it did look a little off. Howard said he learned one thing today. He said he learned that he doesn't want to fuck a squid beak.
Another caller said this was too early for this kind of nastiness. He said this is breakfast time. Another caller said he wanted to know if this dude would ride the Sybian so Gary will throw up. Bee said she'd like to try it. She said that she didn't masturbate so she was saving it up for this.
Howard said maybe they should have their first tranny Sybian ride. Robin said they had Buck Angel but Buck was a woman who became a man. Howard asked what happens when she blows her load. She said she gets all wet down there. Ronnie was in so he asked more about that and what happens when she's having sex. He asked to see that thing up close. He took a look and said it was pretty cool. He said he could fuck her standing up no problem.
Howard had the guys get her on the Sybian. They played an intro for the Sybian as they were setting it up.
Howard said that the vagina was up a bit too high. Bee told Gary to start her out slowly. Howard told him to start her out at 30 percent. Bee said that she was going to have to turn around or something. Gary told her to lay down on it or something. Howard told Gary to fire it up. Bee said it was interesting but she's not sure if she can get off on it. Howard told her to stop chatting so much. He said she's just as chatty as a woman is. Bee said she has almost everything down.
Howard asked if she was getting off on this. Bee wasn't really feeling anything so Howard told Gary to jack it up to 80 percent. Bee told Howard it wasn't going to work. She just wanted to try it out. She said that she was glad to be the one who got to try it out. Howard said he likes her and he hopes that they can find someone out there who can fix her pussy. Bee said she's looking for a husband too.
Howard said Bee's vagina is so messed up it doesn't even work with the Sybian. Bee said she has a YouTube channel where she talks about what she's gone through. Howard wrapped up and asked for some help for Bee. Howard said that he person who invented Sirius radio was a transsexual. He said her name is Martine Rothblat. Howard said he hopes that they can find someone to fix that vagina for her. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said maybe it was a little early in the morning for Bee the Tranny. He said it was pretty wild. He said you don't get to see that kind of vagina very often. He said he would suggest checking it out on Howard TV though. Robins said she's seen some women who have vaginas in odd places. She said that she saw a photograph of one woman and she was with Melissa Zapin. She said Melissa asked if that's where her vagina was. It just wasn't in the right place.
Howard said they sent Wolfie out to do some interviews at Comic-Con. He said that Wolfie got an interview with the person who played Cousin It on the Addams Family and he doesn't like him. Howard said he was kind of bummed about that.
Howard played the interview Wolfie did with the person who played Cousin It. Howard asked what his real name is. They said it was something Hispanic. Fred said it was like Felix Silla or something like that. Wolfie asked the guy how much he charges and how he figures out what to charge. Cousin It said they charge about 20 bucks while William Shatner charges about 50. Wolfie asked Cousin It if he would have gay sex if he could have advanced his career. Cousin It asked if this was for the Howard Stern show. He said he's not into that and doesn't watch it because it's so dirty.
Howard said he thought Cindy Williams was above all of this but she was there. Robin said she thinks she's been doing that for a while. Howard said she was on Laverne and Shirley and she was charging 20 bucks. Howard said Shatner is the only one who can get 50 bucks. Howard played some of Wolfe's interview with Cindy Williams. His first question is ''what are you famous for?'' Cindy didn't sound to thrilled with that. Wolfie asked her about what she thought of Osama bin Laden's death and she didn't want to get into that. She said she thinks they did the correct thing though. Wolfie asked if her parents ever used the N-word at home. She said she grew up in Texas and that's all she would say. Wolfie asked a few other questions including one about working on her period. Then he asked her what she thinks of Howard Stern. She said that the jury is out on that. Howard said he doesn't know what he did wrong. He said she won't talk about Osama and Howard Stern.
Gary asked Howard how he thinks he'd do against Rush Limbaugh. Howard said he probably lost to him. Howard played that and said it was 6-5 with Rush losing to Howard.
Howard said Paris Hilton has a new show coming out and it's fantastic. He said she's a fucking moron. He said she's being a moron in her show. He said he loves those kind of shows. He said he's never seen anything like it. Howard said he has never seen anyone more spoiled and rotten than her. Howard said she has a friend with an assistant and she looks her over and tells her friend to fire the assistant just because she doesn't like the way the person looks.
Gary said Paris is coming up to Sirius next week and they sent out a note for booking the whole network. She's willing to do any show there except for Howard's. Howard said she's a vomit and he can't sit by and say anything but that. He said they're going to watch her show every week though. He said you can't believe the way she acts and how she can be so monstrous and mean spirited. He said it's remarkable. He said her boyfriend looks like a steroided out Jean Claude Van Damme. He said she's a modern day monster but he has to recommend her show.
Howard said there's a shattered human being in there. He said that Paris' mother is disgusting too. He said that Paris has this friend who writes plots for porn movies and Paris makes her quit her job. She tells the person she can't be linked to someone like that so she makes her quit.
Gary said he had a Paris Hilton vs. Howard Stern clip. They played that and Howard lost 7-4 to Paris. Howard said that was disturbing. He said she's a vomit. He said he must be a vomit too. Gary said Howard has had the same assistant for 20 years and he's so nice to her. Robin said people are so incredibly stupid in this world. She said they can't tell a good person from a bad person.
Howard played another clip where the people were asked to pick Glenn Beck or Howard Stern as the worse. Gary said Glenn won 5-4 in that one.
Howard said he must have beaten Lindsay Lohan. Robin said she'll bet him 50 bucks that he lost. Howard played that clip and Howard won 7-4. Howard said he can't believe that anyone would pick Lindsay over him. He said he's never driven drunk like Lindsay did.
Gary said they had Omarosa on the list. Howard said he doesn't care about her. Gary said they have Heidi Fleiss. Howard said they have Octomom on there too. He said he bets that he's a nicer guy than she is. The votes were unanimously against Octomom.
Gary asked how he thinks he'd do against Kevin Federline. Howard didn't care anymore so he ended the segment and went to break.
Howard came back and had Scott Weiland come in. He said he's written a book about his life (Not Dead & Not for Sale: A Memoir). He said that he's not sure Scott even remembers some of the stuff he wrote about. Howard said he's still going strong.
Howard said Scott was in Velvet Revolver but not anymore. Scott told Howard that he knows a lot about the band that Howard doesn't. Howard said he knows that he had an issue with Slash's wife. Scott said that everybody's wife was involved in the band by the end of it. He said that it was Slash's wife at first but then it got worse. He said that never happened in STP. He said he's never experienced something like that before.
Howard said Scott worshiped Slash. Scott said he still does. He said they all have their deficiencies. He said that Slash and his wife have their issues. He said that's their personal stuff though. He said he heard that they were going to divorce but then he heard they were together. He said he's not sure what's going on now.
Howard asked Scott if he still loves music. Scott said he loves making music. He said he loves writing, producing and all of that. He said the thing he doesn't like is that in Rock and Roll no one buys records anymore. He said country music still has people who buy records. Howard said that's because they're too stupid to use computers. Scott said it's just a different culture. Scott said he has to go out on the road just to keep his standard of living.
Howard kept interrupting Scott and asking him questions. He asked Scott how much he thinks he's made. Scott said something about $30 million. He said he lost 50 percent in his first marriage while he was in STP. Howard found out he lost his dream home in San Marino. Scott said that his wife is a wonderful person and he's still friends with her brother. He said that she has more money than he does now. He said she married a childhood friend who makes more money than he does because he's a banker. Howard said Scott must not have held on to his money with the drug problems he had. He said he had to pay off his second wife too.
Howard asked how much he spent on drugs. Scott said it's not the drugs, it's the rehab. He said that rehab could cost him up to $90,000 a month. Scott said he would go away for months at a time when he could afford it.
Howard asked Scott if he has any money. Scott said he has money in stocks and he owns two homes and he has some retirement money. Scott said he pays money to his ex and to his two kids. He said that money is unbelievable. Howard asked what he has to pay. Scott said between himself and his ex it's around $60,000 a month. Howard said he has pressure on him. Scott said ''Yep.''
Howard asked Scott about his childhood and Scott said there were parts that were shitty and some that were great. He said if he didn't grow up in that wonderful town of Chagrin Falls it would have been a really crappy life. Howard said his brother got into drugs and he thought it was an O.D. Scott said they found out it wasn't an overdose. He lost his step-brother in an auto accident. He said it was right before his birthday and he got a phone call and his mom screamed out the door while he was coming home from school. He said she told him that he had to pick up the phone call from his father. He said it was unbelievable. Scott said his brother had a massive hematoma in his head. He said that he was riding his bike out in the street and pulled a wheelie to ride across the street and got hit. Scott said it was really tough.
Howard said maybe music was his only salvation. Scott said everyone has sadness in their lives. He said that most people experiment with alcohol and marijuana. He said most don't experiment with heroin. Howard said Scott did. He said it helped him open up as a rock and roller. Scott said he looked at history and everyone did it. He said it was starting to come back and it all ended when Kurt (Cobain) died.
Howard said Keith Richards seems to effortlessly go through it. He went through his life doing drugs and he was fine. Scott asked if he ever saw ''The Adjustment Bureau.'' Howard said he didn't. Scott said it's an interesting take on the higher power and angels. He said they sort of just do little nudges here and there that make you take a different track. He said Keith was sitting on a little tree and fell off bumping his head in a certain way so he wasn't able to do cocaine again.
Scott said he doesn't do that stuff anymore either. He still drinks though. He said he's not doing the coke or heroin or smoking weed. He said he goes back and forth between drinking. Scott said he kicked heroin 13 years ago. He said he's strong enough to kick things like that. Scott said he was sober for four years. Completely sober. He said it was the happiest time in his life. Howard told him to go back to that then. He said he sees him in Stone Temple Pilots and it seems like the best thing ever. Scott said that Dean was a junkie and a crack smoker too so Howard doesn't see the politics there. Scott said in Velvet Revolver there was only one person who stayed clean. He said everyone fell off the wagon.
Howard said Scott got angry and bitter with the guys in the band because they wanted him to pay them while he was in rehab. Scott said that was pretty painful. Howard said he told the guys they were shitty and he felt betrayed. Scott agreed. Robin asked if they're not clean either. Scott said that Robert drinks a beer like once or twice a month. He said that during the main part of STP's career, Dean and him were doing drugs. He said Dean should have been more understanding. Scott said he wasn't the only problem.
Howard asked Scott if he's ever wanted to just end it all. Scott said he has. He said someone said to him that he has kids and he can't do that. He said he was still doing heroin at the time and he felt like he couldn't kick it. He said he was trying and trying and he was getting so depressed. Howard said he describes in the book that he got out of rehab after 5 months and he jumped out of the car because he wanted to score. Scott said that was actually after he spent a night in jail and he was dope sick.
Howard asked Scott about what it was like in the past with the bands. Scott said that in the past they didn't have to tour so much because they were actually selling records. He said they have to go out and tour now because no one buys records. Howard said that the band needs time off sometimes. Scott said there's no time to sit around anymore. He said you have to tour and they're lucky enough to be making money doing that. He said there are bands that can't make money even going out touring.
Howard asked how many days of the week they're on the road. Scott said for most of their career in STP and Velvet Revolver they were on the road a few days a week. He said these days they're on the road about 4 days a week. Scott said he looks young for his age but he's 43 and you can't do that to your voice every night. He said they play an hour and a half to an hour and 45 every night. Howard asked if that's why he drinks. Scott said that's part of it.
Robin asked if he's a social drinker or does he drink to get drunk. Scott said it just mellows him out. Howard asked what he drinks. Scott said he'll have something in the late afternoon before a show. Howard said he's doing it on his own terms now. He's single and doesn't have a wife. He asked if he's lonely. Scott said he is.
Howard asked if he can meet chicks out on the road. Scott said he goes from the stage right to the bus. He said he doesn't meet that many chicks. He said he has a girl he has very strong feelings for but he hasn't seen her for quite a while. Scott said he's not even having sex. Howard said this life isn't what people think it is. He said he must be depressed. Robin said he was depressing her.
Scott told Howard he wanted to write a book so he finished the book while he was touring. He said he was making records and touring. He said he has a Jazz Standards Christmas album coming out this year. He said he has a covers album coming out too.
Howard asked Scott if he's friends with the guys in the band. Scott said he can't talk after a show so he has his own bus. He said he realized when he would do a show that afterwards there was a lot of talking and he can't do it. He would really blow his voice out so he had to stop. Howard said he must have been neurotic about that. Scott said he does vocal exercises for 40 minutes a night. Howard said if he gave up drinking that might help. Scott said it might but he can't do that. He said he would like to give it up. He said he smokes too. Howard said he should give that up too. He said that voice is his meal ticket. Scott said David Bowie and Mick Jagger smoked into their 60s.
Howard asked if Scott wishes that he had a different life that was less pressure. Scott said there are moments he wishes he had a different sort of job. He said that he gets to see his kids when he's home. He said he gets to see them a few nights a week when he's home.
Howard asked Scott if it's sad the way things turned out. Scott said it's different. He said he still has laughs with the guys in the band. He said they're the same old jokes from what they were laughing at 15-20 years ago. Howard said he thinks that the guys in the band are pissed at him and they want him to be up every night and drug free. He said he gathers all of this from his book.
Scott said that Robert rarely makes a mistake but Dean might hit the clam or maybe a tempo problem comes from Eric. He said it's not the same kind of thing when that happens. He said they look at themselves like they're musicians and he's the artsy guy. Howard said it sounds like it's ''you versus them.'' Scott said he's past that. Howard said he should say to them that he has to sing and they just play their instruments. He said he has to deal with the human throat. Howard asked if he wears that scarf to protect that throat. Scott said he just thinks it looks cool.
Scott said he and Dean share the affinity for riding horses and he's thinking about buying another one. He grew up with horses. Howard asked if Jagger has horses. Scott said he must, he's a knight.
Howard asked Scott who he was influenced by. Scott said he was influenced by The Beatles as writers, recorders and producers and breaking down the barriers of what people thought rock and roll was. He said he liked the Stones as getting out from under their shadow and becoming the best rock and roll band. Howard said he's right about that. They were their own thing and they were bad asses. Robin said they were the anti-Beatles.
Scott said the first album he got was Captain and Tenile's Greatest Hits. Howard asked if that turned him off to music. Scott said his mother and step-father were pretty square when it came to music. His real father and step-mom were really hip in the 70s. He said they were listening to Fleetwood Mac and The Doors. He said they liked The Beatles and Merle Haggard and stuff like that. He said they'd smoke weed and have margaritas and stuff like that.
Howard said Scott wrote about how he was raped by a dude when he was 12. He asked when he realized that. Scott said he was in rehab when he remembered it. He said it happens a lot of times when you suppress things like that. He said he remembered that Sunday leading up to it. He said he had a horse he kept at a barn. He said there were four other girls his age and one in high school who asked him to come meet them at the barn to play spin the bottle. Scott said he was like 12 years old and he went there and made a fort in the hay loft with them. He said they had a little club house going and they were drinking out of a Mason jar. He said they were having fun and then this guy came in and started having sex with this girl. He said he was a senior in high school but he was 20 years old.
Scott said this 20 year old rode on the same bus as they did and about 3 weeks later on the bus this guy told him to come over to his house and he'd play him some new records and shoot his BB gun. Scott said he said alright and went over there. He said the guy raped him when he went over. Scott said the guy made him do things to him. Howard asked if he made him suck him off. Scott said he wouldn't get that graphic about it. He said it was about as hard core as you can get though.
Howard asked when he realized this. Scott said he knew there was something that happened. He said in high school he had this question if he was gay. He said he didn't know why that was. Scott said he had his first love experience with a girlfriend in high school so he wasn't sure why. He said around the age of 30 he was in therapy and it came up. He said he's been in a lot of therapy since then.
Howard said he knows a lot of people who ask themselves if they were gay because of things like that. Howard said it must have haunted him all those years. He said it must have been tough. Scott said he didn't tell anyone about it. He said the guy told him he would kick the shit out of him if he told anyone. He said he threatened to tell lies about him so he wouldn't have friends anymore.
Howard asked if he trusts his memory. Scott said he does and he remembers every detail of it now. Howard said he must have blocked it out of his mind and just figured he would never think about it again. Robin said it can get paralyzing for a child when something like that happens.
Scott said he was listening to some news station and they were talking about someone who wrote a book and they were talking about the same thing. He said it blows him away. He said that scares him because he has his own kids now. He said if something ever happened to them it would destroy him. Howard asked if he's ever warned them. Scott said he has. He said he and Mary co-parent together and they have serious discussions with the kids together. Scott said they let them know and eased them into it as they got older.
Howard asked if he misses his wife Mary. Scott said he does miss her. Howard said he knows he talked to her about going to marriage therapy but she didn't want to go. Scott said they talked about it before they even got married. He said he had the idea that if they went to therapy they could work out things that might happen down the road and they won't happen. Scott said it would be like time travel but it didn't work. Howard asked if he talked to her about the rape. Scott said she knows about it.
Howard said Scott is going to be signing books at a Barnes and Nobel in New York City and at Book Ends in Ridgewood, New Jersey tomorrow night. Howard said the book is really good and he talks about some really serious stuff in there. He introduced Mary to heroin. Scott said she wanted to feel what it was that he was so drawn too. Scott said he had never seen someone go from 0-60 in such a quick period of time. He said she was at his level within a month. Howard said he could talk to him for hours but he had to wrap up and let him go.
Scott said he's very grateful to have a musical career and an artistic career. He said he wishes he didn't have to perform as much as he does. Howard said he gets that and he thinks that he explained all of that very well. He said it all makes sense with the way the record companies are going belly up and all of that. Howard said he doesn't have time to rest and write new songs. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who asked how his father would like that interview. He said the guy was saying ''Uh'' every other word. Howard said that's Scott. He said that's just his speech pattern. Howard said that's Scott Weiland. The caller said he'd rather hear his music than listen to him talk. Howard said that's why he's a musician.
Anther caller said he thought he was being pranked and that it was actually Richard doing Nervous Mark. Howard said Scott isn't known for saying anything quickly. Robin said he's one a lot of drugs. Another caller said this is proof that Howard is brilliant at interviewing. He said he and Robin came in and made a disaster seem to be a piece of art. Howard said a lot of people didn't like the way he speaks but he's fascinated by the guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to gouge out his eyes. He said it was unlistenable but Howard did a good job. Howard said he likes to bring in different people and some are more popular than others. Howard said he's glad that he's come out of the drug thing and he's almost sober.
Another caller said Howard is the greatest mind in the world. He brought up how Trump isn't going to run for president. Howard said he knew he wasn't going to run. He said it was a marketing move and that's what he did one other time when he had a book out. Howard said he never would give up his lifestyle to run for President. Howard said the guy has no desire to be President. Howard said Trump wants to go have fun and that's it. He said this wasn't for him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to say she liked the Scott Weiland interview. She said Howard and Robin hung back and let him talk about that experience. Howard said he had tears in his eyes and he was being very open and honest. He said Scott is an innocent in a way. He said he'll tell you want you want to know. Howard said he's not the most articulate guy but he's open and honest.
Jon mentioned that Howard can't stop singing Robin's ''cocaine'' song. Howard said he's all over that. He played the clip and sang along.
Robin started her news with a story about Steven Hawking who came out and said there is no heaven. Howard said he never thought there was one but Steven really pissed all over it. Robin said Hawking said that the brain is like a computer and there is no afterlife or heaven. It's a fairy story for people who are afraid of the dark. Howard said it's kind of sad too because so many people have died over this so called God. He said everyone is fighting over religion and Steven Hawking is probably right. He said all of this nonsense and wasted time over this religion. Most people can't deal with the reality that there is no friend who will take care of you. He said that they need to hold on to the fact that there's an imaginary guy that will take you on a trip. Howard said he needs some of that himself.
Ralph called in and said that was an excellent interview with Scott Weiland. He said that he wasn't quick but it was a really good interview. He said you have to listen to what he's saying and you hear his pain. Howard said it was very powerful and Scott had tears in his eyes as he was talking about some of that stuff. He said it was very genuine. Howard said he's thinking about Scott and it's haunting him now. He said he's thinking about Scott now and he doesn't usually do that.
Robin said that Oprah is retiring and no one is sure what she's going to do. Howard said Oprah has a radio network and she pays no attention to it. He said they continue to pay her for it and he's not sure why. Howard said that they've all lost interest in the radio show. Howard said Oprah took her $50 million and ran. He said she thinks that she loves that she has her own network but she's done working. He said she wants her network to be successful and who wouldn't? Howard said Peter Lagori is in there running it so maybe it'll work. Howard said the rub is that only 100,000 people are watching it. Rosie O'Donnell is going over there and if she gets any ratings for them it'll be great for her. Howard said Oprah wants to go off into the sunset and chill out. He said it's percolating time like Scott needs. Robin said Oprah is going to have a big party when she retires and she'll only have 100 people there.
Robin read about this guy Novak Jovovich who is unbeaten this season in tennis. Robin said that they say he's gone to a gluten free diet and that's what's making him unbeatable. Howard said that's the diet Robin is on.
Robin said scientists are saying they found the gene that's the fat switch. Robin said they say that it should help in a search for treatment for obesity related diseases.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that scientists can't tell them where the building blocks came from for the planet so there has to be a creator. Robin asked the guy what he does for a living. The caller said he drives a truck.
Robin read about how the world is supposed to end on the 21st. Robin said a group of atheists are cashing in on that. They're collecting money from people to take care of their pets. Howard said one of their listeners sent in a picture of their friend's parrot that got away when he went to the vet's office. Howard said the bird is beautiful. They're looking for it out on Staten Island. Howard said it's a grey parrot.
Howard asked Robin about Rihanna following Chris Brown on Twitter. Robin said it doesn't mean she's with him. Howard said King of All Blacks was saying some stuff that makes him think. He said he was abusive in his life and women liked that. He said he got some help and this girl left him when he stopped being abusive. Howard said he doesn't get that. He wondered what's with these broads. Howard said it must be gluten and these western doctors.
Robin said this French dude in the news, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, is in Riker's Island and he's saying that he seduced this woman who claims he attacked her. Robin said she was a maid though. How did he have time to seduce her? Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read more about that French guy. They spent a minute on that before Howard took a call. The caller thanked Howard for the comments he had about the cops. He said he's a cop and they listen to the show because it helps the day go by. Howard thanked him for that and for him being a cop.
Robin read about how Katie Couric could be going to Good Morning America. Howard said she must want to go up against NBC on the Today Show. Howard said that's show biz. He said she has a blessed career. He said they wanted him over at ABC a few years back too. He said his buddy Lloyd Braun wanted him and he was on board. He said he had one stipulation. He wanted to be part of the news department. Lloyd was fine with that but the news department revolted. Howard said they asked him to be part of it again recently but he ended up saying that he has to approve of them, not the other way around. That was the end of that. Howard said he's not going to sell out. He said he doesn't want someone passing judgment on him. He's been through that enough already.
Robin read a story about how ABC has been cancelling a lot of shows lately. Robin said they canceled 10 shows. She went through some of the shows and talked to Howard about them. Howard said he likes dance shows and things like that. He said he might be burnt out on Dancing with the Stars though. They spent a minute talking about some of the people on the show and what's going on with them. Howard said Brook Burke fucked up doing the coin toss. He said that she was finally given something to do and she fucked up a simple coin toss. Howard said he thinks they're going to get rid of her. Howard played some audio of that screw up with the coin toss. In the clip she flipped the coin and didn't know who had picked heads or tails so she asked the wrong team what they wanted to do.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why Robin was challenging the caller earlier about what job he has. Robin said the guy on the phone was challenging a guy who thinks about physics all day long. The caller said that the caller made a good point about the building blocks. Howard told the guy to lighten up.
Robin said KISS is going to have a music cruise this summer. Howard said he can't imagine what could be worse than being stuck on a ship with KISS other than being in a KISS coffin. Howard asked Robin if she would rather be stuck on a cruise with KISS or Richard Simmons. Robin said she'd probably go with Richard Simmons. Howard said he would jump off the boat for either one.
Robin read a story about Britney Spears and how she was called to do a deposition but her parents won't allow it because they say she's not competent to do it.
Robin read about how the likelihood of a new iPhone this June aren't looking so good. Analysts are saying that the upgrades may be incremental and mostly cosmetic this summer. They may have the iPhone 5 out by the holidays this year.
Robin said that Jerry Lewis will be retiring after this year's telethon. Robin said he's 85 and he will finally walk away from the telethon. Robin said they have raised over 2 billion dollars doing that and they haven't found a cure yet.
Robin read about a rapper who was shot and killed in his car. Robin said that hundreds of his fans gathered after hearing about the death.
Robin read about Mitt Romney and his fund raising efforts for his run for President. Robin said he's getting more and more serious about his run. Howard said he really wants to be president.
Robin said that there are more details about Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver's separation and Arnold's illegitimate child. Robin wrapped up her news a short time later. They ended the show around 10:10am.
Jon talked about some of the other stuff they were going to talk about and mentioned the King of All Blacks fake laugh on ''Black on Black'' and some other stuff.
Jon said he wanted to start off with Bee the Tranny. He said that he thinks that he's going to be one of the more memorable guests on the show. Gary said he pulled off the chick look to some degree. He said her voice was kind of manly but not all that much. He said if you were drunk as shit you might be fooled. He said it wasn't obviously a man to him.
Benjy said he agrees. He said he wouldn't be shocked of some people were fooled. He said she was very nice tool. He said there was something that made him nauseous for an hour or two after that. He said it was like looking in the wrong glasses and seeing something distorted. Benjy said there was something very dizzying about her. Gary said he didn't get that feeling.
Gary said he gets sadder for people who play the whole part and think it's working but it's really not. Benjy said that her describing it looked like a squid beak was right. He said it looked like the drilled a hole from the front of her body to the back.
Jon said that he didn't understand what went on there and if the doctor had botched it or what. Gary said he hasn't seen a great one yet and they do the best they can do with what they have. Benjy said he thinks vaginas are hot when a girl is hot but this just looks odd. Gary said it's like rebuilding a face. It's a little ''off.''
Jon asked if Ronnie was kind of interested in her. Gary said it did seem that he was having some fun with her. He pointed out that he could have sex with her standing up no problem. Benjy said it was more like a belly button than a vagina.
Gary said that Bee was born as a man and she's had the operation. He wondered if a guy is gay for having sex with her. Benjy said it depends. He said it's a gay act but it depends if he desires it because he's a man or if he desires a woman. Gary said they do list her as a female on her driver's license. Benjy said the definition of a homosexual act is a man having sex with a man. He said he would treat her as a lady and he's not going to yell at her about it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he feels real bad for these people. He wondered if they know that there isn't really anyone looking for them out there. He said gays want to be with guys, not with a guy who went through that. Gary said there have been people who have found mates and bought into the whole thing. Gary said he gets what the caller is saying though. Benjy said she had a great spirit. The caller agreed.
The caller said he doesn't know why Scott Weiland is on anymore. He said it sounds like he's hit the bottom and he's still down there. Gary said he knows his speech pattern is the way it is but he didn't look drunk today. He said he talks like that a lot of the time. He said he wasn't necessarily drunk today. The caller said he has an off pattern but when he hears him he can tell he's hit bottom pretty hard. Gary asked how he can tell. The caller said he has been around people like that. He said he should clean up because he's a talent and he has fans out there.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what kind of bathroom these people should be using. Gary said it does say that she's a female and she doesn't have a penis. Gary said he's not sure if they have to prove it. Jon said he's not sure anyone at the DMV is checking on things like that.
Ronnie came in and said that he should be going to the men's room. The guys were going back and forth on that wondering if they should be let in the women's bathroom since they can have a stall to go into.
The caller said he thinks that the law says that you use what you identify with. He said he doesn't know how to vote on it but whatever parts you have down there is the bathroom you should use.
Jon asked Ronnie if he had an interest in Bee. Ronnie said he wanted to see the vagina up close. He said it was pretty scary looking kind of. He said that the interesting thing would be to stand her up and just bang her since it was straight on. He said a real one is kind of below. He said it was kind of weird. Ronnie said it would be cool if they could move it up on regular women.
Ronnie said he has been able to pick out Trannys before but this one really looked like a girl. He said everything except for her feet were woman like. He said her feet were very bad. He said her hands were very feminine. Jon said he really checked her out. Ronnie said he did.
Jon said he does seem kind of smitten. Ronnie said he was wondering about how she blows her load too. Gary said that they haven't figured out how to lubricate down there so he's not sure what's down there. Ronnie said she called it ''goo.'' Jon asked if this turns him on. Ronnie said he was intrigued by her explanation. He thought she was pretty cool actually.
Gary said he went to say hello to Bee when she got there and her brother was in the green room. He said that kind of killed it for him.
Gary said he had his bee keepers mask on during the ride. He said he did that because he wasn't sure how she might cum. He said he wanted to be ready for whatever happened. Ronnie said he could see there was no feeling at all there. He said he's not sure if she blows a load or not.
Gary said the Howard TV guys might be homophobic. They usually dim the lights when a woman rides the Sybian. They didn't do that for Bee. Jon had to go to break after that.
Gary told Jon to pick up on one of the callers. Jon had a guy who said that Scott was so entertaining yesterday that it made Scott seem kind of boring. Gary said that Ted is high energy and Scott isn't. Jon said that some people say Ted talks too fast. The caller said it seemed that Howard was frustrated and he was answering for Scott. Gary said that's the way he does interviews.
Gary said that Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Breckin Meyer were there. He said they hope to have them on Celebrity Superfan Roundtable soon. Breckin got to hang out with Howard at the Kimmel party a little bit. Breckin said he's a huge fan of the show. Jon asked what they're there promoting. Mark said they have a new show called Franklin and Bash on TBS. They play lawyers on that show.
Gary asked Mark if he's a fan. Mark said he is a huge fan too. Breckin said he doesn't know anyone's faces but Mark recognized Benjy. He said he heard Benjy and it was so funny to put a face to it. Mark said Gary didn't recognize him when he met him the first time. Gary said Mark really listens because he knows a lot about the show. Breckin said he wanted to see Fred's set up because he's a big fan of his. Gary said after the show he can show them Fred's set up and all of that.
Gary let the guys get in some plugs for their show and then let them go. Their show starts on June 1st. Gary said he has to book them for their Celebrity Superfan Roundtable show.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked if ''Zach Morris'' (Mark Paul-Gosselaar) was still in there. The guys said he was gone now. The caller asked if Benjy wrote the ''Sushi Smell'' song that Wood Yi sang. Benjy said he didn't. He wasn't sure who did that.
The caller said that she thought the Scott Weiland interview was good. She's trying to stop drinking herself so she enjoyed hearing about it. She said she was addicted to prescription drugs too.
Jon and Gary talked about what a grind it must be singing the same songs over and over. Jon said that he thinks the bands want to play new stuff instead of the same old songs over and over. Gary said that he goes to the bathroom when they play those new songs at concerts. He said a lot of people do that with new songs. Steve Brandano said he saw Stone Temple Pilots and they did the hits and Zeppelin covers so they give the fans what they want. They had to go to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he gets Scott Weiland to a degree but he would give his left nut to be on a tour bus for a few weeks like Scot is. He said he has been at it for 10 years and he's kind of got that ''wah'' moment for him. Gary said the guy has a gift and a lot of people wish they had it. He said he gets where the caller is coming from. Gary said if you have to do something you love for money then it can be kind of tedious.
Richie Wilson was in the studio so Jon congratulated him on his engagement to Rachel Fine (RachelFine.com). Richie said it was time. Gary said he had to work on it too. Richie said he wanted to work hard on that he this is something he wanted for a while. He had to work on himself for a while before he could offer her any happiness in life. He said therapy rules. Jon said they all love Rachel too.
Richie said that they had to figure out the invite list and figure out how to find where to go and then come up with a list. He said they found a great place and they're willing to give them the whole run of the place. They could have 600 people if they wanted. He said they're going to keep it very small though. He said Richard invited people like Steven Singer to his wedding. Richie said he doesn't want to go that far.
Jon said Richard is kind of child like when it comes to stuff like that. Jon asked if Scott the Engineer will be DJ'ing the wedding. Richie said he won't but he will be invited. He said Scott is actually a really fun guy to hang out with. He said they're going to keep the guest list to about 125 people. He said a lot of people from work won't be invited. He said he's taking the high road and telling people that ahead of time. He said ''Sorry Benjy...'' They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how he didn't know where to begin. He had a lot of stories in the paper to comment on. He said Wolfie was over at Comic-Con so he had more of those clips to play. He said he had a lot to get to.
Howard had Robin's mic down so he had to turn that on. He said he has been singing her ''Co-cai-aine-ah'' song. He asked if she's surprised that she's known for something she didn't even mean to do. Robin said it doesn't bother her.
Howard said he thinks the three big stories to talk about are Arnold Schwarzenegger, the French guy who allegedly raped a maid and... He got sidetracked and talked about how that woman who was allegedly raped lives in an AIDS house. He said that's crazy. He said the guy is getting payback for what he did if he ends up getting AIDS.
Howard brought up Arnold and how unbelievable he is. He said that he was living in a house with his wife who is a Kennedy. He said she gave up her career to have kids with the guy and she has 4 kids. He said he was so hell bent on meeting the Kennedys that he did whatever he could to do it. He was obsessed with Jacqueline Kennedy. He said he met her at a celebrity event and worked his way into her life. He said just like the Kennedys he married someone for political position and he cheated on the side just like the Kennedys. He said it's like the grand tradition. Howard said he can't imagine not thinking about what your kids and wife are going to do when they find out.
Howard said that Arnold is known for having some wandering hands. He said Maria put herself on the line for this guy. He said Arnold has this whole situation going down and he's snickering in the back while he's married. He had a baby with this housekeeper and he knows it's his baby. He said this is crazy stuff and you really have to hate your wife to do that.
Robin said they say the kid has a striking resemblance to his father. Howard said David Spade said he can bench press 220. Robin said that Maria must have asked this woman about her kid and she had no idea it was her husband's son.
Howard said that guys who cheat will take what they can get and they lower their standards. Howard said his kids must think he's a piece of shit. Robin said this kid has lived a different life than his other kids. Howard said he must have been paying her some decent money. He said he'd love to read about how he pulled it off.
Howard read about the special and how there were 20,000 people in this event center they held the show at. Howard said they had Tom Hanks hosting the show. Tom Cruise showed up. They had all kinds of other guests who came in and performed and kissed Oprah's ass.
Howard read the list of celebrity names and found that Maria Shriver was there. He said that's good for her. He said she didn't do anything wrong. Howard said she's probably devastated and feels like a jackass for defending the guy. Howard said any woman would. He said this housekeeper had told her friends that she was fucking Arnold and somehow he got away with it. Howard said that the press had some story about Arnold fucking some stewardess but they found out that wasn't true. Howard said the woman named her kids after people in his movies. Howard said his life must have been really boring and he had to make it interesting somehow.
Howard read about Maria Shriver on Oprah's show. He said she was saying the scandal was painful and heartbreaking. Howard had some other details about that.
Howard said that guys will fuck anything when they cheat. He said they don't have any quality control when they do that. Gary asked what Arnold is thinking not fucking with a condom. Howard said he loves this story about the French guy who fucked the woman without a condom and this woman lives in an AIDS house. Howard said it's so great.
Howard said there were some pictures of Maria and the chick that Arnold cheated with. He said Maria was glamorous and this other woman wasn't.
Howard read another story about Arnold and what he's been saying about the situation. He admitted he had the kid with the maid. Howard said Maria must be wondering what he saw in her. Howard said that Maria must wonder why he wasn't with someone like Cameron Diaz. He said Maria has to be super embarrassed by this because she's doing women's empowerment stuff and defending her husband before she knew about this. Howard said it's like when Artie was on drugs and he was defending him not thinking he was.
Howard read about what Arnold has been saying about this situation. He read some quotes from him where he said he's sorry for the pain he's put his family through. Howard read about the woman he cheated with and who she was.
JD came in and said that he heard Arnold's kids changed their last names to Shriver on their Facebook accounts. Howard said he's going to get a lot of shit for this. He said he wants to know where he's going to show up first to talk about this. He said he should just move to Austria to get away from everything. Howard said that's what he'd do. He said he'd get the fuck out of Dodge.
Howard read a story about the maid and how she was there for a decade after having Arnold's kid. They're wondering what the creepier betrayal was. Woody Allen with Soon Yi or Arnold with the maid. Howard said that Mia Farrow found pictures of Soon Yi that Woody had taken. Howard and Robin said that Woody is the worst but Arnold comes in second.
Howard said that John Edwards would be up there too. He said he's not as bad as Arnold but his wife did have cancer. Howard said that was pretty creepy. He said he thinks that Arnold is worse. Gary agreed. He said he has another one though.
Gary brought up Bill Clinton and his intern. Howard said that was just a blow job. Gary said she must have been around his wife. Howard said he didn't think so. Gary said that Larry King might have hooked up with his wife's sister. Howard said it's not as bad as Arnold. Howard said he thinks that David Letterman is looking like a saint now. He said he's a decent man. He said he never did it in the house with her. Robins said they did it at the office instead. Howard said they should leave Dave alone. Elliot Spitzer is looking good after all of this too.
Howard said Beth went to see Woody Allen's new movie last night. He said he asked her if she thinks she's supporting Woody by seeing it. Howard said he might watch it at home but he wouldn't go to see it in public. Robin said she wouldn't either. She said he's a good movie maker but she knows people who haven't seen any of his movies since the Soon Yi thing happened.
Howard said he's seen some Woody Allen movies that he liked. He said he really liked Match Point. He said he wouldn't support him publicly though. Howard said that's the dilemma.
Howard said Jay Leno will suck Arnold off if he goes back on that show. Howard read some more of the article he was reading and they were talking about how arrogant Arnold is for doing this.
Howard read about other famous guys who cheated like Thomas Jefferson, Jesse Jackson, John Edwards, Grover Cleveland, Strom Thurmond, Dan Burton and others.
Howard said there were more articles about this story. He had one about Maria and how embarrassing it is for her. Howard said they had some quotes from her when she was defending Arnold. He wondered if he's going to end up in rehab like other guys have. Robin didn't think that would happen. She said he's too manly to do that.
Howard read about Arnold getting into scandals and how he buys a home for Maria whenever that happens. Howard read about how it's all about power for Arnold. Howard said that he really worked hard to marry Maria. He read some details in another story about how hard Arnold worked to get in with that Kennedy family.
Howard said that Arnold probably went into the marriage thinking he was going to have to do what he had to do. Robin said he was running around even during their courtship. Howard said he likes Arnold very much and he's been very nice to him. He said his entourage was very out of control though. He said it was like he was creating the presidency around him. He said he didn't need 5 bodyguards around him. He could have had just one. Howard said they had walkie talkies and they were always on those things. Robin said that's what Al Pacino was like too. Howard said the guys aren't even discrete like the secret service.
Howard said he hires guys who are very low key. He said when he was out in Los Angeles the guy would sit in the restaurant and you wouldn't even know he was there. Howard said Arnold's guys are always on the walkie talkies and you don't need that kind of fuss.
Robin said she'd like to know what Ivan Reitman knows. Howard said Ivan isn't going to talk. He said it's not his story to tell anyway. He said he just wants the guy to act in his movies.
Howard read more about Maria Shriver and what she's been doing since this went down. Howard said Arnold is getting a beating in this. Howard said there's a lot of ''Hasta la Vista, baby'' quotes in the paper. Robin said a lot of the headlines say that.
Howard read another article where they called Arnold the ''Conan the Destroyer of his Kids.'' He said they're using all of his movie titles and quotes in the articles.
Howard said the other story is the woman who lives in the AIDS house that the French guy got. Howard said that she may not have AIDS but she lives in an AIDS house.
Howard played the call and Sal called this guy saying his telephone doesn't work and had the clips of Lynn Samuels telling him she doesn't know what the fuck is going on. The guy told her to come to the store with her receipt if she keeps talking to him like that. The guy said he had no idea what was going on. They had her saying that the guy was one stupid fucked up cunt. He told her to go fuck herself and hung up. Howard said he would buy a phone from that man. He asked who would let anyone go on like that.
Howard said he had audio of Sal screwing up the name Rod Blagojevich. Howard played that audio and Sal was out on the street asking people who they think is worse, Howard Stern or Rod. Howard said that was some name. Even the people on the street didn't know how to say his name.
Howard said he loves this woman in the clip. She was talking about all of these things with a heavy accent. She talked about guys jerking off into the fields to help the crops grow. She said that women would rub their vaginas and put the juices on their kid's faces to protect them from evil forces. Howard said that's disgusting. He said that's bullshit and they're just freaks. He said if his mom did that to him he'd freak out. Howard did an impression of his mom talking about rubbing her pussy juices on his face. He had her talking about rubbing his dad's ball cheese on him too. then he had his mom making him a sandwich out of that ball cheese.
Howard played more of this woman talking about the Balkans stuff. She had more stories about the strange things they did over there. Howard did more of his mom's impression talking about the pussy juice.
Howard said there are a lot of strange traditions and old folk tales that made them do this stuff. He said he knew a woman who would kiss her baby's penis. He said he had to take a break after that. Robin said she can't wait to get Arnold's illegitimate son on the couch there. Howard said that should happen soon. He said they have ZsaZsa Gabor's husband calling in today. He said that should be interesting.
Howard said he knows women who cheat on their husbands and everyone is out cheating. He said he knows tons of people who are cheating. Howard said he knows a guy who has a secret love child and all of this stuff. He said they all keep it a secret and pay the people off. Howard said it's crazy stuff. Robin said this kid Arnold had is going to be one resentful kid. Howard said he should have gotten a divorce and spared the wife from this. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and sang along to the song for a short time. That led to Fred throwing in some of Robin's ''cocaine'' clips.
Howard said they weren't able to get Prince Frederic von Anhalt on the phone. That's ZsaZsa Gabor's husband. Howard said he remembers him going on Larry King's show and claiming he used to fuck Anna Nicole Smith but he called her ''Nicole'' and no one called her Nicole. Howard played some audio of von Anhalt talking to Larry about that.
Howard said no one knows if this guy is for real or not. He said they're not sure if he's a real prince or if ZsaZsa is even allowed to leave the house. He said he heard that he's going to embalm her to preserve her beauty or some nonsense like that. Howard said he was going to ask if they can talk to ZsaZsa to make sure she's still alive. Howard said he wanted to have a kid with her even though she's like 90 years old.
Howard said at some point the guy sued the company that makes Viagra because he got addicted to it and wasn't able to have sex without it. He dropped that suit. Howard said he had another suit where he claimed that he had lost money to Bernie Madoff but they weren't able to find any proof that he had invested with him. Robin said the guy gets involved in a lot of cases like that.
Gary said Will found out that the Prince will adopt you if you want to be royalty. He said it's like 2 million bucks to buy into that. Will wasn't able to find a blood line so it's not clear how he's a prince.
Howard said maybe he should buy into the Prince thing. Robin said she remembered when they sent Elephant Boy into met ZsaZsa on the channel 9 show. Howard said those old shows are great.
Howard said he's not sure if Prince von Anhalt will call in or not. Robin said he never misses an opportunity to publicist. Howard said he wants to talk to the guy about a bunch of rumors he's heard about him. He wants to give him the chance to give his views on this stuff.
Howard told Shuli to tell Robin some of the jokes from his DVD. Shuli said his family will ask him to come visit in Israel and he tells a story about them calling and how he hears guns and missiles being fired in the background.
Shuli said they have a story about Robin listening to a relationship guru's tapes lately. Her name is Allison Armstrong. Howard said Robin can't complain about the news department anymore because she's getting so much promotion from them. Howard said he heard this story yesterday and he's finding out so much about Robin. He said they told this story about Robin listening to these tapes so she can learn about men. Howard said she should be talking to him instead of these tapes.
Robin said she told Howard some of this stuff she learned and Howard agreed with what she told him. Howard said he must have been drinking that night.
Howard and Robin talked about those tapes and why Robin is listening to them. She said she's on a search and she's always on a search. Howard asked if the men she's dated in the past aren't the right kind of men for her. Robin said they were at the time.
Jason came in and told Howard that he was at the dinner that Robin was talking about and she was telling him some strange things. He didn't remember if Howard agreed with them or not.
Shuli told Howard some more about what Robin had told them about this Allison Armstrong and her relationship advice. Shuli quoted Robin on that stuff and Howard laughed. Howard said Robin needs to soften up a bit. He said Armstrong is right about that. Robin said she's considering going to one of her seminars. Howard said he can imagine the women there trying to act more feminine. Howard said they just tweeted a link to the news story they're talking about. Howard said he listens to every one of those stories.
Shuli said they have some updates about Sussy who left the show to ride his bike around the country. Howard said he doesn't want to talk about that. He spent a few minutes talking about it anyway. He said Sussy isn't going to learn anything riding his bike around the country going to farms. He said that he will learn if he works on a farm. Howard said the guy should get a job and not ask him for a donation. Howard said he'd like to ride his bike after people give him donations. He said he should build a career and stop asking for donations.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she agrees with him about Sussy. Howard said he doesn't want to talk about this kid anymore. They're giving him way too much attention. The caller said Howard is the one giving him attention. The caller said that Howard cracks her up when he complains and she wondered if he's really that emphatic about it. Howard said it's called freeloading and he's against it.
Howard said this is like professional begging and it's not right. The caller said she finds it interesting that Howard is so against it. Howard said the guy saved up money and now he's spending it to go around the country for no good reason. Howard said he's worked his whole life and if he has something he's passionate about he'll pursue it in his spare time. Howard said he can do that because he's worked and made money. He's not asking for donations.
Howard said he doesn't want to talk about this kid anymore. Howard said people follow this kid on Twitter but he won't. He said he saw that he's been to 7 brewery's so far and he threw up at someone's house. He said that's not something he's interested in. Gary had some pictures of Sussy from his web site where he's posing for pictures.
The caller was telling Howard how much she enjoys the show and going on and on not making sense to Howard. Howard asked her what she's saying. She said she agrees with him on what he's saying about Sussy. She said she went right to work after school and she gets what he's saying. She said she just finds it funny that he gets so worked up about it. Howard said there's nothing fake about that kind of irritation.
Howard asked the caller if she's good looking. She said she is. Howard asked if she's cute or hot. She said she's hot. Shuli asked if she looks like anyone famous. She said she's been told she looks like Shania Twain or Catherine Zeta Jones.
Howard said he and Beth went out to dinner last night and she put on a little outfit. He said he had to do a photo session with her. Howard said she started doing the photo session with him and he got a boner during that. He said she has to be hot if he got a boner doing that. Shuli told him not to get a boner at the kid's party. Howard said he'll bang Beth before he goes to that job.
Shuli got back to his news preview and said that Sussy has said Howard is just jealous. Howard said of course he's jealous. He said Sussy has freedom because of the donations he's getting. Sussy has said that Howard will die on a pile of money and he won't have lived his life. Howard said he worked at something and made it his own. He said he made a living and Sussy will never know what that's like. Howard said he's proud that he can support his family. He said Sussy is going to rationalize what he's doing but he'd never ask for donations like Sussy has. Howard said he came from a shithole and he had nothing. He said he's real proud of what he's done.
Howard said he rode a bike the other weekend and you have to have a real empty head to ride 8 hours a day. Howard said he went out for like an hour and it was pleasant for like a half hour. He said he thought his head was going to explode. He said he can't imagine waking up every day and going out doing that. He said he knows a guy who threw away his whole life riding a bicycle. Howard said he's a fucking child and he should grow up.
Shuli said he rode a bike for like 4 years. It was called Junior High School. He gave some more updates on the Sussy story. Howard said he likes Sussy but he told him this is a colossal waste of time. Howard said he knows people who farm for a living and it's the toughest life on the planet. He said that it's not going to be easy. He said he should go learn to run a farm and see how hard it really is. Howard said he's not going to pay for his bike ride so he can go learn about farms.
Howard said if he was on a bike 8 hours a day he'd kill himself. He wondered who he'd be proving himself too. Howard said women don't care if you have great legs from biking. He said that they care about a guy with a job and some motivation in life.
Shuli said that Ronnie Mund will be taking the stage on Saturday night at the Allentown Brew Works. They'll also have a Q and A session with Scott the Engineer. Howard said there's nothing like a guy with zero personality doing a Q and A. Howard had Fred do his impression of Scott answering questions with the audience. Howard asked Scott why he's doing this.
Scott came in and said that he's getting a few bucks to do the show. Shuli said he tried to get him a few extra bucks to do a dunk tank thing. He said that Scott said he would do it. Scott said he didn't say he would do it. Shuli said they talked about painting a target on his head and letting people shoot suction cup darts at his head. Scott wasn't into that.
The guys talked about what Scott had agreed to do years ago where he was going to get fucked in the ass for $250,000. Scott eventually backed out of that deal. Howard and the guys goofed on Scott about that for a few minutes.
Ronnie came in and said that Scott is going to DJ this thing. He said he's going to throw out sunglasses at the show. Scott said it's going to be goofy and fun.
Howard said Ronnie has a meeting about doing a TV show. Ronnie said he can't say what it is but he has a meeting tomorrow morning. Howard said Ronnie is passing them all by. Ronnie said he can say that he show is called ''Wheels.'' Howard said Ronnie is getting offered some TV show like a sitcom or something. Ronnie said that's right.
Howard said he got an email from a TV network and they want Ronnie to have his own talk show. He said he has to forward the email to him. Howard said they wanted to make sure it's okay with him before they offer Ronnie the show. Howard said this is a real show and Ronnie would be like a Keith Olberman. Howard said he told them to send it to Ronnie. He said Ronnie is on fire with this stuff. He's have his own show giving out his opinions. Ronnie said this is great. He said he doesn't know what's a joke around there anymore. Howard said he swears this isn't a joke.
Howard told Ronnie to give Gary his email address. Howard said he's got a big offer. Howard and Gary didn't know he had email but he got it back in December when he got his Blackberry. Ronnie said he had to go pick out some outfits for Miss Howard TV now. She's going to be coming in later in the show.
Howard said these people are having a meeting with Ronnie about the TV show. He said he told Ronnie to get an agent. He said this other TV network wants him for his own TV show now too. Robin pointed out that JD fired Ronnie from his show. Howard said he didn't know he had such a hot commodity.
Howard thanked Shuli and let him get in another plug for his album and the comedy show he's doing with Ronnie and Scott. Shuli said John Tole will be there too.
Howard played some audio of Scott doing stand-up at a comedy show once. Scott was trying to tell stories but the audience just yelled ''fuck you!'' at him and didn't laugh. Howard said Scott has such the gift of gab. Howard and Shuli goofed on him about that for a short time. They were making fun of him huffing and puffing on stage like he had just run a marathon. They let the clip play through and Scott ends up arguing with the audience that was yelling at him. Scott was joking about Howard and his divorce during that arguing. Howard pointed out that Scott also lost his house in his first divorce.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn and she said that they went to see Shuli the other night and Rob Burnett was there. Howard said that must be good for Shuli. Shuli said things were going okay until Ass Napkin Ed tried to get up on stage and fell through a window that was there. Howard had Ed on the phone too so he asked him about that comedy show. Ed got on the phone and Shuli said he's his favorite. He said he's not trying to be funny at all. He said he's just being himself. Shuli said he asked what he did on vacation and he told him he ate a tuna sandwich.
Shuli said Ed came to the show hoping to get on stage and he told him to come up but he didn't have any material. He said he got up and asked why spoons are so easy to clean. Then he doesn't have a punchline, he just says ''I don't know why, I'm just asking you guys...''
Ed was on a speaker phone so Howard had to get him off of that. Ed had called Howard 819 so he had to explain that. 8 stands for the letter H in the alphabet. The 19 is for S. Ed said he has an 819 club and he has about two people in that club so far.
Shuli told Ed to tell Howard about the show and what went on there. Ed said he fell down. He told Shuli to tell him what happened. Shuli said Ed thinks he got an infection from cutting it. He told him he wants to lay low for a while.
Shuli said Ed met a woman online and she flew in from Latvia to meet him. Ed said he was going to get a hot dog cart and hire her under the table. Shuli said Ed told him that she was crying one night when she realized what she was doing. Howard said she thought she was coming to the States to meet a Hugh Hefner. She ended up meeting Ed.
Howard asked if she had an accent. Shuli said he spoke to her and she did have an accent. He did an impression of that. Howard said he had to go. Ed said he had something to talk to him about. He said he has this woman Jesse Jayne on the show and she had a fight with some other porno bitch called BiBi Jones. Howard said he put in the name BiBi Anderson last night and nothing came up. He said he forgot what her last name was. Ed said that this Jesse is upset with Howard for yanking her off the show or something. Howard said no one knows what he's talking about or what's going on.
Ed said he doesn't care either. He said these are the kind of women you see on the side of the road in a gully. JD told Howard that Jesse thinks that she was kicked off the show for BiBi Jones but no one knows why she's saying that.
Howard said he had to let Ed go so he can take a break. Howard said Shuli knows everything that's going on with these guys. Shuli said he's like the Retard Whisperer. Howard said he really is. Shuli said he'll be there as long as these guys are willing to shit in a bag and weigh it. Howard let the guys get in their plugs and went to break.
Howard came back and said he hates that country kid on American Idol. He said he's a young kid with the voice of a 40 year old. Howard said he loves this AC/DC song. He listened to that for a second and then talked about the kid who got kicked off of American Idol last week. He said the kid had a good voice too. He said he loves it when people cry over their metal songs. He played some of the audio of that moment.
Howard wondered if Ryan Seacrest is really that big of a tool in his real life as he is on the show. Robin said she thinks he is. The kid who was kicked off said he had done some stuff that no one had ever done on the show. Howard said he was just singing karaoke. He said crying is really sad. He said the guy was trying to bring metal to American Idol and it didn't pay off.
Howard said Ralph Macchio got kicked off of Dancing with the Stars. He said he was kind of happy about that. He said he wants to see Kirstie Alley keep losing weight. He said he doesn't want to see that end. Howard said if she had left then the weight loss would end. Howard said he wants her down to 110 pounds.
Robin said Kirstie is falling for her partner too. Howard said Brooke Burke is good at reading but she's always nervous and she does that annoying laugh thing when she throws it to Tom. He spent a minute talking about that.
Howard said he fast forwarded through most of the show last night. He said it's impossible to watch the show in real time. He said he fast forwards through Kari Ann Inaba. He said he doesn't listen to Brooke Burke and just moves on to the next. He said it's weird. He said he just wants to see hot chicks dance. Robin said she thought Ralph Macchio was good on the show. Howard said he still has a baby face but it's aging. He said he felt bad for him when they introduced him as a movie star. He said he was like 12 when he was a movie star.
Howard and Robin talked about some of the people who are on the show and how creepy some of them are. Howard said there's one guy who is very touchy feely and they don't seem to catch on that the girls don't like it. Howard said this one dude is always doing that and he should be doing the perp walk with that French dude. Howard said it's like they're trying to show that they're not gay by touching the girls.
Howard said the best new show is this Paris Hilton show. He said it's the greatest. Howard said it's great to see how awful a person she is. He said she tries to get this girl fired so she's not her friend's assistant. Howard said she is the worst human being on the planet. He said she's not even human. He said her parents are really nice people but they must not have known how to handle this girl. Howard said it's sickening. He said her show is great and it starts airing in June. He said she's a monster. He said she's so proud of herself about the show too.
Howard talked about some of the things she does on her show and how awful she is. Howard said she goes on David Letterman and doesn't even get that Dave hates her. He goofs on her the whole time she's on the show and she doesn't get it. Howard said Dave wouldn't even fuck her because she's so awful.
Robin said she finished watching the Chaz special last night. Howard said poor Cher is wondering if she's doing the right thing getting upset that her daughter is cutting her tits off. Howard said she has to do it on her own since Sonny skied into a tree.
Howard said they have the Miss Howard TV girls come by every month. He said it becomes a zoo around there when they come in. He said it's almost disgusting. Howard said Mike Gange is never there except when the hot naked chicks are there. Howard said it takes a bunch of guys to shoot this stuff too.
Howard said last time they had a girl up there they had 3 people doing a pre-interview with the girl. He said that Doug, Gange and one of the other guys did the pre-interview. Howard said they never ask them to do a pre-interview since Will usually does it.
Doug told Howard he doesn't do a pre-interview. Howard said they call it a ''selection.'' Howard said they're so fucking horny back there. Howard said Gange has to get laid because he looks like he's going to explode. Howard said he only shows up for these shoots. Howard said it's disturbing to him. He said he can't just show up on days when there are hot chicks.
Howard said Ronnie is teaching the girls what to wear when they get there. He said that they say it's very creepy when he does that. Howard said today was extra creepy from what he heard.
Howard said they have Miss Howard TV, Chiara, there. He had her come in after that. Howard said she's a burlesque dancer. He asked what the difference is between that and a stripper. She said that the guys can't touch them. She said that they do a full production show. She said she shows titty though. Chiara said that her parents support her too. She said that she's 30 years old. Howard said he would have guessed she was 24. She said that's what she tells people. Howard said he would have believed it.
Howard said Chiara is going to be Miss Howard TV for June. Howard asked if Ronnie knows what he's talking about with the wardrobe. She said she brought her own stuff and she thinks it was fine.
Howard said he believes that this is an important month for them now that they have a professional dancer. She got in a plug for her web site Chiara-licious.com. She said she has some pictures up there. She said it is a pay site so Howard told her she's going to have to do some weird shit to get people to pay for it.
Howard found out Chiara has a boyfriend. She also just had her first orgasm a couple of years ago. She said she had trouble sleeping one night so she decided to masturbate. She was 28 at the time and she had never done that before. She said she was a late bloomer. Howard said they must have told her to never touch herself down there. She said that's what it was. Howard said she had heard of it but never tried it. She said now she's obsessed with it.
Howard said he finds that hard to believe that she never did it. She said she can have multiple orgasms now that she knows what they're like. She said she had to learn about them before she could have them.
Howard asked about the burlesque shows she does and found out that they're at the Flamingo Hotel and Casino. Howard said he finds it odd that a girl like this never touched herself before the age of 28. Howard said she's really hot and he's not sure who she looks like. She said she's been told she looks like Marissa Miller.
Chiara told Howard after that first night she tried masturbating again the next morning. Howard asked if she has ever tried a finger up her ass. She said she hasn't. Howard asked Robin if she's ever done that. Robin said you try to explore everything. She told Chiara that she should try that too. Howard asked if a guy has ever done her in the ass. She said that she has had that.
Chiara said she went away for a couple of weeks and when she went home her vibrator disappeared. She said she thinks that her boyfriend threw it away because he was jealous of it. Howard said that if a guy is jealous of it he should be controlling it during sex. She said she likes using it during sex so that would work.
Howard had Chiara dance for him to some music. He said she's very hot. Howard said she is delightful. He thanked her for being Miss Howard TV. He said she should expect a lot of guys hanging around her today. Robin said that the entire staff will be there from Howard TV.
Sal came in and said that he heard that the burlesque is topless. Chiara said she's not going to do that today. Howard kicked Sal out of there. He had invited himself in there so Howard booted him out.
Howard gave Chiara some plugs and said you can check her out at HowardTV.com too. Howard said her site was already down from so many people visiting it. Howard had the guys come in and help her out of the studio. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and asked who was doing that song. Fred said it as Bowie. Howard said it was good.
Howard said he saw a woman walking down the street in a burka and everyone was looking at her suspiciously. He said she had a belly on her and it was really weird. He said he didn't realize how weird it was to see her walking down the street in that thing. He said you can't tell if it's even a woman. He said it could be a dude. Howard said he thought about how great of a disguise it would be for him. He said he would have to shave his legs because he's so tall it wouldn't fit. Howard said everyone on the street was paranoid looking at this woman.
Howard said Steven Hawking was saying that there is no heaven and then he was saying if aliens ever do come here we're screwed. They'll end up giving us diseases and stuff that we don't know about. He said they'll probably come here and steal our resources.
Howard said you don't need to do any of this religious stuff because there is no heaven. He said that he was having a really strange reaction to this woman in the burka. He said it was very suspicious looking.
Howard said Doug Goodstein had a great clip of Medicated Pete doing a show with some rappers. He said Pete was up there singing but not really singing. He was just saying ''Yeah... yeah...'' Howard said the rappers were ignoring him while he did that. Howard said the guy can kind of dance though. Doug said he's watched it like 50 times and he laughs harder every time he sees it.
Howard TV showed the clip but there was no sound. It turned out to be Fred's mistake. They played the clip and Robin laughed at it.
Howard read a story about Andy Dick urinating on something at a film festival. Howard wondered what's going on with him. He said he wants the drunken Andy on the show.
Howard had a clip from ''Becoming Chaz'' where she was talking about how she wanted to look like Michael Chiklis. Howard said he might be the only person who wants to look like him. He played that clip and had a laugh. Robin said it's a good documentary. Howard said he wants more. He said it gives Chaz something to do since he's got too much spare time as it is.
The guys told Howard where it was and Howard got back to it. He fast forwarded through it and got to the point where they left off. Howard said Scott is actually going to go out and do this again. Robin said he's not going to do it, he's doing a Q and A this time. JD told Howard to fast forward to the point where the fans were yelling at him about his son's band. Howard did that and played through some more of that.
Howard and the guys were doing their impressions of Scott being out of breath and telling his lame jokes. Howard said Scott is like King Kong on top of the Empire State Building and he's all distracted by the audience.
Howard said that they're advertising this show as a Scott the Engineer Q and A. He said it's ridiculous. Howard played more of the clip where Scott was passing out t-shirts and telling people that they got to laugh so take it. Howard said he was berating the audience. One guy yelled out he wanted his money back. Scott talked about the black cloud his family had. Howard said if he got up and just talked about that he'd probably do fine. The audience was booing him in that clip though. Scott mentioned that he got caught cheating in Cleveland by his first wife. Robin didn't remember that story. Howard said he did.
Howard asked Scott to give them the rundown on the cheating story. Scott came in and said doesn't remember. He said it was actually on the revelation show and he revealed that he got caught in Cleveland. He said that was enough. Howard wanted to ask more about it but Scott said he didn't know what he should say.
Howard asked Scott about the time he talked about swinging. Scott said he talked about all of that. He said he didn't give all of the details of the cheating. Howard asked if he has any other children out there that are named ''The Engineer.'' Scott said he's positive there are no illegitimate kids out there.
Howard asked Scott why he's putting himself through this again. Scott said he's not doing comedy this time. Scott said he'll just do a push-up if they yell at him about that.
In the clip Artie got on stage to help Scott out. Howard said Artie knows a winner when he sees it. He knew to let it go. The crowd started chanting ''Artie'' so Artie thanked them and said it was going to be fantastic when they played that audio on the show the following Monday. Scott said it was four years later that they finally did.
Howard played more of the audio of Scott failing on stage. The crowd shut up for Artie but they started talking over Scott when he started talking.
Jon Hein finished up his Wrap Up Show preview after that. Then Steve Brandano came in with his Intern Show preview. He said they have their nominations for the Intie awards that they give away each semester. He ran down some of the nominations.
Robin started her news with a story about the Cannes Film Festival and a director there who is promoting a movie called Meloncolia. She said the guy was being interviewed and he started saying some pretty crazy things. She had Howard play the audio. In the clip the director was saying that he thought he as a Jew for a long time but he found out he wasn't a Jew and he was actually a Nazi. He said that also gave him some pleasure. Howard said he sounds like a douche. He was like Scott the Engineer on stage. Robin said he goes on after that. Howard played more of the clip and the guy had the room in silence talking about this Nazi thing. He was saying that he sympathizes with Hitler. He said he understands the man.
Gary said the funniest thing was that Kirsten Dunst was sitting right next to him not knowing what to do. Howard said he'll go see that movie now. Howard said a lot of these guys think they're artists and they're completely absorbed. He said they're really just inarticulate boobs.
Robin read about how Lady Gaga has over 10 million Twitter followers now. Howard said he's not a very good Twitterer. He said nothing was grabbing him to Tweet and people were complaining about him not doing it. Howard said he wanted to tell people he was on his way to dinner with his wife but he didn't want people showing up. He said he follows Jillian Barberie and she talks about going shopping. Howard said he was thinking about becoming the world's worst Twitterer and tweeting really boring stuff. He said he was going to tweet about taking a shit and sitting at his desk thinking about what he wanted to Tweet. Howard said he will just start writing down something and people get upset with anything he writes.
Howard said he was going to put a picture of his wife up but he wondered why he would do that. Howard said he wonders what he's up to. He's not sure what he's really doing with this thing. He said he'll get back into it eventually. He said he hasn't figured out what he wants to tell you on there.
Howard said he tweeted about ''Private Parts'' once and now people want him to do it every time it's on. He said he can barely stomach watching that movie so he can't do it over and over again.
Robin said she was on fire about the Arnold Schwarzenegger thing so she wanted to Tweet about that. She said she knew the kid was going to be pissed.
Robin said that Lady Gaga was tweeting about her 10 million followers and saying that they had finally done it. Howard said people should unfollow her. He said he thinks he follows her though. Howard said she doesn't Tweet that much. Howard said people complain if you Tweet too much. He said now he's the worst to follow. Howard said Steve Martin is great to follow. He has witty things to say. So does Albert Brooks.
Howard took a call from a woman who wasn't on her phone. He gave her a chance to get there but she wasn't there. Howard waited to find out if she'd show up.
Howard said a lot of people thought Scott Weiland wasn't a good guest but he came on and opened up about getting fucked in the ass and talking about what he has to pay in child support and things. He said you might have to wait a while for him to say something but it was good. He said he was the most honest. He said he's going to state that he did a good job yesterday. His speech pattern isn't the most fluent but he was good. Howard said they could have double speeded that segment and it would still work. He said they edited it down like that to show what it would sound like. Howard said he asked Scott about who inspired him and he took a long time to answer.
Howard replayed that part of the interview where he was trying to get something out of Scott. Scott eventually answered but it took a while. After playing the original interview he said that the guy is a bright guy, you just have to hang in there with him. He then played the interview back at double speed. He said they may run it like that if they replay it. Howard said the first clip was 40 seconds and the second was 19 seconds. He didn't even sound that sped up.
Howard said he votes that they speed it up. Robin said she doesn't know. She thought that it might be best to leave it alone.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he finds Howard's Tweets to be very good. He said he likes to read what he writes. Howard said people get so upset with what he writes though. The caller said ''fuck 'em.'' Howard said he's had to block people so he doesn't have to read their comments. The caller said he could just ignore it. Howard said he can't do that. He said he'll try to get on this weekend and tweet.
Robin got back to her news and read about Apple deciding to accept an app where this site lets people find sugar daddy relationships. Robin said that people will be allowed to find sex on the iPhone. Howard said they had to take a quick break after that.
After the break Robin got back to her news and read about a Russian man who was eating the remains of a human friend of his. Robin said he had potatoes with the liver he was eating. Robin said they're not sure how the friend died.
Robin read about a man in Dubai who was accused of stealing police handcuffs. They found them in his bag at the airport and he was detained and tortured until he confessed. Robin said he could end up spending 7 years behind bars for that. Robin said that's some place to spend a vacation.
Robin read about a woman who drove her SUV off the road and into a river and had to rescue her kids from the sinking vehicle. She's going to be in court this week.
Robin read about a woman who called 9-1-1 to report that she was abducted and shoved into a trunk. She's been accused of making up the whole thing. Robin had some audio of her 9-1-1 call.
Robin read about the woman who is accusing Dominique Strauss-Kahn of raping her. Robin said the woman is afraid that this could work out badly for her if she continues the case.
Howard said he had Debbie the Pet Lady and Crazy Alice on the phone. He said they have teamed up for some reason. He asked how they became friends. Alice wanted to answer so Debbie told her to go ahead. Alice said hi to Fred and congratulated Howard on another 5 years. She said she doesn't want anyone fucking with her friend Debbie. Robin laughed so Alice went off on her calling her a ''gorilla cunt.'' Howard wrapped up with them quickly and said they'll speak with them soon. Howard said it's like if Lex Luthor and Doc Oc hooked up. He said he can't imagine what they're talking about.
Robin read about Arnold Schwarzenegger and this woman he had the child with. Robin read about the woman and how they've revealed her name. Her name is Mildred Baena. Robin said they report that the love child is a boy and Arnold has been giving them financial support since the birth. Howard said he'd love to interview everyone about this. He said he'll have Fake Arnold on Monday at the least. Robin said that Maria is asking for privacy through this whole thing.
Howard said he feels bad for any Kennedy women. He said that they all get cheated on and treated like shit. He went over some of the things that have gone on with them over the years. They talked about Arnold and wondered why he didn't use a rubber and why he let the woman have the child. That led to them talking about TMZ and their coverage of the story. Howard said they were all over that yesterday. They had some audio from that report.
Robin read a story about some of the people who were throwing things at Newt Gingrich at a dinner last night.
Robin read about a guy whose wife was held and questioned in Syria while trying to get in on an Iranian passport. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read about Dancing with the Stars and had some audio of Ralph Macchio talking about getting kicked off. Howard goofed on his voice but said he's a good kid. He said he's like 50 but they call him a kid. Robin read about the other people who are left on the show now that Ralph is gone.
Robin read that Marie Osmond has remarried her first husband. She said that Donny was on the Joy Behar show last night and defending his sister. Howard had some audio of that moment. Robin had some audio of Donny and Marie singing together too. Howard said he thinks that Marie is kind of sexy and she must be freaky in bed. He said it might be kind of creepy since she looks so much like Donny. Robin wrapped up a short time later and they ended the show around 10:15am.
Benjy said Howard was talking about how when guys cheat they lower their standards. Benjy said he thinks they did a study where they found that the other woman isn't usually as good looking as the wife. Gary said guys like that will go for it when they have the opportunity. He said they don't go out trying to find the hottest chicks. He said they just look for opportunity and they take what they can get.
Jon mentioned some of the stuff he wanted to talk about and brought up Sussy and how Howard doesn't ant to talk about him anymore. Jon asked Gary if he's annoyed by Sussy like Howard is. Gary said he's not at all. He said it doesn't bother him.
Gary said Howard sees disorder there with Sussy and he's against that. Benjy said he thinks that it's like Howard is wondering how dare he do something with such risky behavior. He said that's just what he thinks Howard is thinking.
Jon brought up the tapes that Robin has been listening to for relationship advice. He said you really need to talk to people. Gary said he thinks you need real world experience too.
Benjy said he loves self help tapes like that. Gary wondered why they don't help him if he loves them so much. Benjy said that's a good point.
Jon asked Shuli if he did the interview with Robin about that stuff. Shuli said he thinks that it was Lisa G who did. He said he knew that Howard would be all over it. He said he can't wait for Howard to play some of the audio of those tapes.
Gary said Robin buys into that stuff and she puts herself out there saying she's doing it for research. He said she's really not and she's doing it to help herself. He said that's okay to admit but she won't do that.
Jon brought up the Miss Howard TV who came in today and how Gange was up there again. Gary said he loves busting Gange's balls over that whole thing. He said he asked him why he was there today and he started stumbling over his words. He said it wasn't clear why he was there. He said he just wants to see the hot chicks. Gary said he would admit that if that was him. He should just be honest.
Gary said things are okay until one of the girls comes in and can't read very well. Then they end up spending the whole day taping them doing their thing.
Lisa G came in and told the guys about how she found out Robin was listening to those relationship tapes and how she ended up doing the story. Jon asked if she thinks that those tapes are a good idea. Lisa said she does. She said it's like working a relationship muscle and building skills. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon and Gary got back to Miss Howard TV and how everyone there shows up when a Miss Howard TV comes in. Jon said that everyone gets involved with them. He said Ronnie gets involved and everyone at Howard TV shows up.
Gary asked Ronnie how much of the outfit picking is for the show. Ronnie said he enjoys doing it. He said they pick an outfit for her to wear to meet Howard and one to wear during the shoot. Gary asked if he has her spin around and all of that. Ronnie said he does. He said he walks in and introduces himself and says he's there to help pick out an outfit. He said they never question him either.
Benjy asked what his stance is on camel toe. Ronnie said he'll tell girls to change their outfit if they have it.
Jon asked if any of the girls give him a hard time. Ronnie said only one girl has. He said she didn't want to show her stomach for some reason and he kept telling her to wear different things. He said she had an issue there and she didn't want to show it. He said she gave him a hard time with it.
Ronnie ended up arguing with Shuli over something he said about one of the girls. He gave Shuli a big ''fuck you.''
Jon asked Gange how he knew Ronnie had this talent. Gange said that he's good at some things and he's really good at the outfit thing. He said that he's been in charge of stuff like that at Rick's and Scores. Ronnie said he taught Jason how to pose the girls in the pictures. He said he used to show him how to do it and now he does it on his own.
Jon asked Gange if he's there just for the Miss Howard TV girl. Gange said technically yes. He said he has to be there for the video shoot and he thinks he should be there for her interview with Howard. He said it's better for him to get pictures that way too. Gary said it seems to be a voluntary thing. Gange said they need a second camera and he shoots that and then leaves. Gary asked what other shoots he does with a second camera. He said he's doing one this weekend in Allentown for Ronnie and Scott's appearance.
Jason said he would love to block out some of the Howard TV guys so they could come in and talk about Gange. He said he's heard that Gange acts busy but he's really not. Gange said that person should be fired. He said that means that person probably isn't busy. Jason joked that it was Doug Goodstein.
Jason said he heard that he takes all of the great assignments and leaves the crappy ones for other people. Gange said that's just not true. Gange said that the guys are always wondering if they have to go to these things. He'll volunteer to go to them if other people don't want to go.
Jon asked Gange if he sees why people have this perception about showing up for Miss Howard TV. Gange said he doesn't volunteer for these things. He said they have a guy who asks them if they want to go and he will go if no one else wants to go.
Gange said that when Ronnie and Richie went to get the engagement ring they asked the guys if they wanted to go. Jason said that it turned out to be a huge party from what he heard. Gange said he didn't know that it was going to be a party.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Gange is full of it. He said he should just admit he wants to be there for the good looking women. Gange said he's really not interested in the Miss Howard TV. Gange said he thinks of it as work. He said there have been hot chicks up there and he would like to be there. He said other situations are like work. He said he was up there for BiBi Jones but it was just work.
Jason said that a lot of the contests they do he has to go through the entries. He said he'd be pissed if Gange showed up and said he had to go through them when they have hot chicks there. Gange said that's not what happens. He said that he has to take over Isaac's job when he left and that's just the way it is. Gange said they want to see who is going on the air on Howard TV and they're in charge of it. He said they've hired guys too and it's not just hot chicks. They had to take another break after that.
Shuli said he wanted Ronnie to host the show because he has that whole thing down. He said he'll mess with chicks and maybe pick a hot chick of the night and things like that. Shuli said Scott did that show in Cleveland and if people can hide they'll get really brutal. Scott said that Levy got booed that night too. It wasn't just him.
Shuli said that Scott is going to be DJ'ing through his phone. Scott said they have apps that let you do that so he's going to try that out. Shuli said he's also going to upload songs into his phone and play the music through the phone. Jon asked if he's ever used it before. Scott said he hasn't. He said it's just intro music so it's not that big of a deal.
Jon asked what happens if he gets a phone call in the middle of a song. Scott said he can turn off the ringer. Shuli was getting some laughs out of that thinking about what's going to happen if the phone rings. He said he'll be pissing his pants with laughter that night.
Jon asked Scott about Howard bringing up his checkered past and if he can laugh at all of that stuff. Scott said he can't. He said the cheating story is really rough so he'd like them to forget all about that. They also talked about him offering to take it in the ass for $250,000. They told Scott that's the story he should be wanting people to forget. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard talked this guy who says he was around hot women all day and he's constantly propositioned. He says he won't cheat on his wife because she's a good woman. The guy has an eye problem and he goes to a psychiatrist and the guy tells him to ask his wife his condition because he thinks that his eye problem will be cured if he does it. Howard said the guy asked his wife and he did what he had to and his condition went away. He said he hasn't had a problem since his wife gave him permission. Howard has eye pain too and he'd like to know if that would work for him.
Howard read the letter in Penthouse and this woman wrote about how she listens every morning and her private parts throb when she hears him. Howard read about how she pleasures herself to his voice. She writes about Howard interviewing her and asking her to take her top off. She says she gets on his lap and she feels him getting excited. Howard had to clean this up for the air.
Howard said he thinks Ratso wrote this letter. He said it's in his style. Howard read more and the woman talks about getting over Howard's lap to get spanked with other guys from the show in the studio. She gets her ass spanked to Butt Bongo Fiesta and her ass turns crimson. Howard said so far it seems to be a transcript of the show.
The woman goes on to tell the woman he has sex with a lot of the women on the show an he has an apartment in the city for this. He takes her to that apartment after she gets so moist that she could slide across a linoleum floor. Howard said she talks about going to the apartment and falling on her knees and grabbing at the zipper of his leather pants. Howard wondered if he could go any further because it gets so graphic.
Howard said she says after she handles him that he's not as small as he lets on. Robin said he's still small though. Howard had to stop reading the letter because it got to graphic. Howard said she does a sex act to him that Robin wouldn't do to him.
Howard read that he put his head back and moaned while she appears to be hungry doing what she's doing. Howard said he returns the favor in that letter. He said if he's finished he's not going to be doing that. Howard said he licks... and stopped . Howard said she has 3 orgasms from what he does. Then they're ready to have actual sex. Howard said he's 40 so he can't do it that many times.
Howard said she asked him to do that kind of sex Robin has only done twice. Howard said most women don't ask for that more than once. Howard read about her getting on all fours and he says to her ''Man oh man oh shevitz...''
Howard said he wanted to read one line because it was so dirty but he couldn't do it on the air. Howard said he had his way with her and she talks about biting him with love bites. Howard said you know some guy wrote this. He said he didn't care though.
Howard asked Robin if she's ever had a guy want to be with her like that and ask for that kind of sex. Robin said it just happens. Howard said Mike Gange was talking about how he asks girls but they all say no. Gary said he had a girl who begged him to do it to her once. He said that's the kind of thing that you never forget. Gary said the words were ''Put it where it doesn't belong.''
Robin said if someone asked her she'd just say no. Howard said he'd just ask if he could see if it could fit in there. Robin said that won't work.
Gary said that once you get in that area accidentally it becomes the most exciting thing that you've ever done.
Howard said he was thinking about this guy with the eye problem and he was a photographer so it was probably the eye piece that gave him the problem. He said there are porno movies that come out called the Howard Sperm Show and there's always a guy in a wig having fun. He said he wishes it was like that. He said that's what people think he's doing. He said that's probably why he has the eye pain.
More On Star Wars. 5/19/99. 9:25am
Stuttering John was out on the street with some of the people waiting in line to see ''Episode 1.'' Howard spoke to one nut who was dressed up as Darth Maul, one of the evil characters in the movie. Howard spent about a minute with the guy and got sickened by it. John said he had another guy there dressed as Obi Wan but Howard said he was done with it. After that Howard said that Scott the Engineer took his son out of school today to bring him to see the movie. Howard had Scott come into the studio so he could ask him why he would do such a dopey thing. Scott could have waited until the weekend to bring his son to the movie or even wait until after school hours to do it. Scott said that his son has been getting very good grades so he figured he'd reward him for that by taking him out of school for one day. Howard thinks that it's wrong to teach your children that a movie is more important than going to school. He thinks that Scott just wants to be a hero for his son. Everyone spent a few minutes goofing on Scott while he was in the studio.
Howard asked John why he had to be in the park drinking. He's in his 20s and he shouldn't be doing that. Howard said it's like they want it to be barely legal when they do it. Howard said it's like they want tickets. John said it's not like that. Howard said it's stupid. John said they go and hang out in that park and turn their radios on so they can play Frisbee. Howard said they could go somewhere else to play.
Howard asked John why he doesn't practice with his band instead. John said he was in the studio all day that day. He said he went out later. Howard said they're busy making demo tapes that no one will hear. John said he's only made like 5. Howard said it's going nowhere. He's 26 years old and peeing in bushes. Howard said he's terrorizing families by doing that.
Howard said it's not cool to see people hanging out like that in a park. It's scary to some people. Howard said he should have found a restroom to go pee in.
Howard read a fax he got from Doug Trent where he said that Jackie has to be the luckiest man in the world. He said Jackie is lucky because he's gone to the bathroom out the window of his car. John peed in the park once and got a ticket. Howard said John is the victim every week. He said he reminds him of the rioters in Los Angeles who say the cops don't understand them. John said that the cops are great. Howard went off on John talking over him and saying he's like a whining baby. John said the park police have nothing better to do. Howard said he doesn't want to see anyone peeing in the park.
John said he had to take an honest piss. He said his friends were probably pissing in the woods too. Howard said this isn't an isolated incident though. He said if John behaved himself a bit he wouldn't even be noticed by the cops.
John said he knows that when he speeds he's doing wrong. He said when he's in a park and he pees he's not doing wrong. Howard said he was doing wrong because he was hanging around with a bunch of dudes that are hooligans. John said he thinks that it's harassment. Howard said he shouldn't be out drinking in a park. He should be at home drinking. Howard told John to get out of there. Fred played him out with the ''Hero of the stupid'' clip.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if John doesn't get that he's not supposed to pee in public. Howard said John did it in front of the cops. He said he's the dopiest guy in the world. The caller said he has to know that you can't pee and crap wherever you want. Howard said John was already being hassled and he went and did something so dumb. John came back in and asked the caller if he's ever peed in the woods while camping. John said he wasn't even near the cops when he did it. He went off on the caller and said the cop was harassing him and didn't even see him peeing. He just saw him go off alone into the woods.
Howard said John wouldn't start peeing if he was smart. He said he should have held it in. Howard said you don't go to the woods to pee. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was thinking about how the chick he'll be dating at 80 will probably be born this year. He said he and Beth talked about how she was being born when he was in high school. Artie said he'd like to think that his future girlfriend is about 7 years old now.
Howard said that he'd like to date Apple Paltrow or maybe Madonna's daughter some day. He said that he'd like to tell Madonna he's dating her some day. Fred played some porn clips as Howard was talking about that.
Howard played more of the audio and King was telling Scott what they wanted him to play at the party. He had Scott laughing at some of the requests. Howard said those songs they play are so lame. He said he doesn't want to live on Long Island where they seem to enjoy that. Scott said they do it all over the place, not just Long Island.
King told Scott that he's funnier than Howard and he deserves his own show. Scott said he is on the air a lot but he wouldn't go that far. Scott and King talked about smoking and King asked if he would be smoking at the party. Scott said he knew right away that the guy was jerking him around.
Howard said this was great. He said the guy ends up getting annoyed. King asked Scott if he smokes pot or crack. Scott asked who he was and his tone changed. Then King said he wanted to talk about his bald head. Scott thanked him and hung up.
Howard laughed at Scott and goofed on his bald head a little bit. Howard said he likes the prank call where they had Scott yelling at the guy about the FBI going after him. Howard didn't have that one since Captain Janks had played it over the phone for them. Howard gave Scott some plugs and let him go.
Kid Rock And Uncle Kracker Come In. 5/19/00. 8:50am
Rap/Rock star Kid Rock and his protégé Uncle Kracker came in to talk to Howard this morning. As Kid was coming in he stripped off his jacket to show off his body. He told Howard that he did it just for Robin. Howard noticed some of the tattoos that Kid has all over himself. One of them reads ''Paul'' but Howard said that Kid's real name is something like Bob, not Paul. Kid said that Paul was a cousin of his who killed himself and one night while he was drunk he decided to tattoo the guys name on himself. He made it sound like it was a big mistake to do it.
Howard mentioned that this guy Uncle Kracker was with Kid and it turns out he's someone that Kid signed on to his record label. They discussed how Kid will make some money off of him because he brought him to the record company. Uncle Kracker didn't look like Robin expected him to. He's a young 24 year old guy who looks pretty normal according to Robin. Kid said she was probably expecting someone old and without any teeth.
Howard brought up the fact that Kid didn't grow up in a poor family like some people thought. His father had a very successful car dealer. Kid didn't want to get into that business though. He was never a good student and got kicked out of school quite often. He said he probably would have screwed up the dealer if he'd gotten into it anyway. His father always called him a disgrace and didn't like the music he was into. He told Howard that when he did get in trouble his father would take a wooden paddle to his ass but it didn't straighten him out at all. By the time he was a senior in high school he had a record contract and the teachers pretty much let him do whatever he wanted to. He actually paid a kid to write papers for him and his teachers didn't have a problem with it.
Howard also brought up Kid's current girlfriend, Supermodel James King. The two of them have been dating for a couple of months now and Kid claims she's the only one he's with. He said they were friends with each other for about 2 years before they became a couple. He said the relationship is cool because they both do their own thing. He said she's a health nut but he'll sit down to eat a breakfast consisting of eggs and bacon while smoking a cigarette. He said she's pretty cool with it all though.
Ex-intern Steve Grillo called in and told Howard that and old friend of his did Kid Rock in a bathroom one time. It turns out that it was a girl he was seeing who did Kid but Grillo didn't have a problem with it because it was big star Kid Rock. Grillo is working as a bartender at a club by the name of Hush in New York now.
A couple of big fans came in this morning to meet Kid so Howard had them come in one at a time. The first woman, Darr, was somewhere near the age of 40. She had a really annoying voice and personality that drove everyone nuts. She told Kid that she and her 12 year old son are big fans of his. After a short time Howard wanted to kick her out of the studio but she said she'd take off her clothes. Howard made a comment about her and she was going to leave but she ended up taking off her clothes anyway. She said that everyone would be apologizing to her for commenting on her after she took her clothes off. Howard said she didn't look too bad but he wasn't making any apologies. He asked Kid if he'd bang her. Kid said ''..maybe 7 million records ago..'' Gary said he'd do her if they cut her tongue out to shut her up.
The second fan, 19 year old Kristin, was more normal. She got a hug from Kid and thanked him for his music and everything he does. Howard let her stay in for a minute or two then moved on.
Howard played part of Uncle Kracker's first single ''Yeah, Yeah, Yeah'' from the album ''Double Wide'' which sounds very much like a Kid Rock song. Kracker is in Kid's band so that would explain it. Kid said that Kracker helped write about half of the songs on his album also. Kid's new album ''The History of Rock'' comes out on May 30 and Uncle Kracker's album doesn't come out until June 13th.
Would You Like Maggots With Your Orange Juice? 5/19/03. 6:45am
After the break Howard said he was working on a song over the weekend. He said he was inspired by Roger Alan Wade to create a song called ''A Woman's Place is on My Face.'' He said he was just kidding after saying that. He had John tell a story about how he was drinking a glass of orange juice and it ended up having brown stuff and maggots in it. John almost puked when he was telling the story. Howard told John that the maggots are born in feces. John said he drank about 3/4 of the glass before realizing it. He claims it came from a big company (Tropicana) and it was one of those calcium enriched OJs. Artie and Howard were goofing on John about how he was stuttering like wrestler Goldust as he was almost puking telling the story. Artie was doing an impression of John and goofing on the puking stutter. Howard asked John if he's going to sue over it. John said he's not going to sue because he doesn't know what his damages would be. Artie went off on him for a couple of minutes. John was still gagging when he thought about the orange juice and how he almost drank down some maggots. Howard was laughing hysterically as Artie did his impression. Howard said he could use the tape of John almost puking as evidence in court. Howard would ask him a question about the OJ and John would still gag. John claims that the date on the orange juice was June 5th so it shouldn't have been bad. John said he told his wife to at least give Tropicana a call and try to get some free orange juice.
Stuttering John said when they were flying out to Ohio he tried to put the arm rest down between him and Artie but Artie is so big that he couldn't put it down. John also said that his daughter has been sick all week and had been drinking that same orange juice that he drank. He's thinking that she might be sick from the orange juice.
Bobo called in and said that it sounds like Artie and John are both out of control. He brought up the whip-its that John was doing. He said that it's going to give John brain damage. John said it's not that bad and it's not going to give him brain damage and it's not illegal to do it. They kept going back and forth between that and the maggots in John's orange juice. John was saying that he's not one of those people who can eat bugs... Like anyone there can. Artie was still making fun of John about the gagging. He didn't seem to think that John was really that sick over the whole thing. John said if he thought about it long enough, he would puke. By this time both Artie and Fred were goofing on John's gag.
Jessica Hahn called in and said she really did get sick and threw up just hearing about the maggots. Howard spent about 30 seconds talking to her and then took some more calls. Howard said he has to get to a lot of other stuff. Howard said he had a bunch of Gary Garver interviews to get to as well as a bunch of e-mail.
Alanis Morissette Performs Live In The Studio. 05/19/04. 7:40am
Howard had Alanis Morissette in the studio when he came back from break. They had her all set up to perform her song live. Howard said he was glad to finally get her on the show. Alanis said that she was glad to be there. Howard talked to her about her new song where she says ''Asshole'' in the song and no one would play it on the air.
Howard asked Alanis about the song she wrote that had been rumored to have been about Dave Coulier who she did date for a while. Alanis said that she hasn't said who it was about. She said that she may reveal who it was about some day but she wasn't saying it was Dave. Howard said he never gets that worked up about someone and doesn't write songs about it. Alanis said he talks about it on the air though so that's his outlet.
Howard asked Alanis about her love life as well. She's dating someone now by the name of Ryan Reynolds. She and Howard went over that for a short time and then Howard asked her about how her parents put her in show business at an early age. She said that she believes that parents who put her kids in show business like that are abusing their kids. Howard asked her about how long she's been in psycho therapy. She said it's been many years so Howard figured it was because of her parents making her perform like a monkey.
Alanis was on a show called ''You Can't Do That On Television'' as a child and it wasn't really a kids show. She said that it was supposed to be kid humor but there was a lot of adult humor in it. She was on that show for 2 years. Howard wondered if she felt bad for the people who got ''slimed'' on that show. She said she kind of liked it.
Howard and Robin wondered if she was also forced into the singing career. They were going over a lot of other things at the same time and found out she started dating at the age of 12. She said she only lasted about 3 days with her first boyfriend. She didn't lose her virginity until later in her teens but she was sexually active from the age of 14. Alanis said the first guy she had intercourse with was Dave Coulier. She was only 19 at the time and he was in his mid 30's. She has dated older guys quite a bit. She said when she was 17 she dated a guy who was around Howard's age. Howard read that at the age of 14 she dated a record executive guy. She said she was actually 15 and the guy was in his 20's. Howard said that's kind of scandalous.
Howard talked to Alanis about how she ran off to India after her first hit album. Howard said he hates India and would never go. Robin went there and got out of there within 48 hours because it was so horrible there. They also talked about dating and how hard it would be for Howard to date someone like Alanis who might get more attention than him.
Howard took a few phone calls for Alanis before having her perform her songs. He gave her a plug for her new album ''So Called Chaos'' which is out today. One phone caller asked Alanis when she met Dave Coulier. He thought she met him when she was on ''You Can't Do That On Television'' but she met him much later. Alanis also revealed that she experimented with a woman at one point because she felt it was a rite of passage but she discovered that she's heterosexual. Howard had to dig deeper into that and asked her if the woman was famous. She would not say who it was of course. Howard wondered how she approached the woman. She said she ''loved it'' at the time but she prefers her boyfriend. She said that it was good for her but there are other things to experience and she just moved on. She wasn't freaked out by it either.
Howard took a few more phone calls and let some people ask Alanis some questions. Howard then had Alanis perform a couple of songs. She first performed ''Head over Feet'' with just a couple of guitar players backing her up. Howard talked to her about the song when she was done. She said the song was written in about 25 minutes. She said when she sings the song now it's about Ryan but at the time it was written it was about a friend of hers. They also talked about the many times Alanis was turned down by record companies and how she now looks at those people and just smiles. She sold a ridiculous amount of albums and that can only bring a smile to her face.
Howard talked to Alanis about the money she's made and how she's spent some of it. Howard talked to her for a few more minutes and then had Alanis perform another song. This time she performed ''Ironic.'' Howard said he was moved by that song when she was done. Artie goofed on him for crying over that one.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Alanis about her song writing. She says she can't play guitar very well, just well enough to write songs. Howard gave her another plug for her album ''So Called Chaos'' and wondered if she would vote for Bush if she could. She said she doesn't think that she would vote for him, she would like to vote with the Green Party but that might screw things up. Howard convinced her that it would be best to vote for John Kerry.
Howard wanted Alanis to perform her new song ''Everything'' live for them but there was some controversy over the use of the word asshole. Gary went to check to find out if she was allowed to use the word on air. He came back a few seconds later and said Tom was shaking his head ''no'' to the use of the word. Howard and the guys came up with some alternate words she could use. They suggested stuff like bunghole, basshole, ass bowl and others. She decided to go with ''ass bowl'' and as soon as she said it she started to laugh so hard she had to start the song over again. She started the song over and used the word again but kept it together this time. She completed the song and Howard asked her about the lyrics and about her relationship with her boyfriend. Howard told her it was a beautiful song and he wishes her luck on finding everything she sings about in the song because men are skunks. He thinks that she may have to be with a woman to find that.
Howard asked Alanis about other performers like Jewel who changed her image and made herself over completely. Alanis didn't know enough about her new music to comment on that though. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and thanked Alanis and her two guitar players for coming in and performing for them.
Robin had Howard playing clip after clip of people who had gone to see the movie. Not everyone was happy about what they saw. Howard was still doing his Scott impression and explaining why he had taken his son out of school to see the movie.
Robin had some clips of Ewan McGregor talking about taking the part in the movie. She had some audio of some of the other stars of the movie talking about their parts. She had audio of Liam Neeson and Natalie Portman and others. Howard was goofing on all of them and still doing his Scott the Engineer voice.
Robin had some audio of the guy who played Jar Jar Binks talking about his role in the movie. Howard said that was so bad. Robin had some audio of Jar Jar doing a scene. Howard hated it and said that you can't even understand what he's saying.
The Prince Press Conference... Finally. 5/19/00. 7:55am
Howard has been promoting this Prince press conference thing all week but he just got to it today. Prince held a press conference to announce the fact that he's no longer going to use the symbol that he has been using for the past few years. He'll now go back to being called Prince. Howard sent over a new intern by the name of Kevin to ask some questions. It was Kevin's first day so it was pretty wild for him. Howard played a little bit of the press conference before he got to Kevin's questions. Prince rambled on about his name change and eventually took questions from the press. Kevin's first question was ''Who would win in a fist fight between you and Michael Jackson?'' There was a lot of laughter from the press and Prince himself. He said ''Michael's not a fighter, he's a lover..'' and joked about it for a couple of seconds. A short time later Kevin got off his second and final question ''Why were you such a sissy in 'Purple Rain'?'' That brought the press conference to a screeching halt. They announced that the event was over and took Prince away. Kevin said they asked him to shut down his equipment before he was able to ask anymore questions. Howard thanked Kevin and moved on.
Howard and the guys had to sing the theme song for the TV show instead. They did that and figured they won. The caller didn't think they had. Howard said he has to admit he's beat. He gave up and hung up on the caller.
Riley Martin Talks Aliens. 5/19/99. 7:05am
This guy Riley Martin has been on the show in the past. He wrote a book called ''The Coming Of Tan'' which is about his meetings with aliens. He didn't talk a lot about the aliens today. Howard was more interested in finding out about why he expected to get paid for doing the show today. Riley left a voice mail for Gary telling him he wanted some money for doing the show but they don't pay their guests. Riley basically said that he needs money to help his cause...whatever the hell that is. Some guy who said he's Riley's brother was also at the station. It turns out he's just a friend of Riley's who came down. Howard let him come in for the interview also. Riley doesn't like the word ''follower'' for people who are his fans. He took offense to it whenever Howard called them that. This guy Eric who came in wasn't a ''follower'', he's just a friend. Howard took some phone calls for Riley and a few people think he's nuts. Riley got upset over that also.
Howard said Spike makes those stupid movies and the movie studios must be out of their minds. He said they don't want to be boycotted so that's why they make them. He said he has an audience but it's white down and out people who are feeling guilty over slavery or something. Howard said he has lived in a black community so he could write a movie about that. He said he knows what he's talking about. He said it's the white people going to see his movies to see what it's like to live in a black community. Howard said the guy is a dope.
Howard said Robin flipped out on Spike. He said Robin yelled at him about calling her there. Gary said she was back in the office when she got the call. Gary said he heard she said to him that she's been saying for years how great his movies are and she never heard from him. Now all of a sudden he's interested. Howard said the guy is a big anti-Semite based on what he's seen in his movies. Howard said he makes every Italian look like a dumb guinea and every Jew is a big nosed money lender in every movie.
Howard said Robin's job isn't to correct him on everything he says. He said it's supposed to be count, counterpoint on this show. He said they have it figured out pretty well and they know exactly what they're doing. Howard asked who he is to interfere in the goings on with this show. Gary said if black people are following that little peanut head they're going to be led down the path of no return.
Howard said Spike thought Robin was going to buckle under but she's not. He said it turns him on that it bothers him what he says. He said the guy is anti Jewish and Italian and that's that. Howard said the guy isn't a bright guy and he's a nudnik. He said he's inarticulate and a dopey guy. He can't match wits with him or Robin or even Fred for that matter. He said Sinbad's talent dwarfs him.
Howard found out the guy was a messenger so he goofed on him about that. Howard said he was a go-go dancer and he was with his friend Mike. Tommy said he didn't think Mike had gotten some chicks. He thought he was going out for something else. He wanted to come over and meet these chicks. He said they should see him in his g-string. Howard was going to give him an address to go to. He said he should go to this address and told him to ask for this guy Peter Calabrese. Howard said that's whose room they were in.
Howard spent a few more minutes goofing on the guy asking if he was well endowed and things like that. The guy had no idea what that meant. Howard said he was stupid. Robin asked who he looks like. He said he looks like a cross between Eddie Murphy and John Hinkley. Robin said she had to see that. They told him to hurry on over. They gave him the address 205 E. 67th. The guy said he'd be over in like 20 minutes. Howard let him go a short time later.
In the next clip they played another old segment (from May 19, 1994) that wasn't in my archives. This one was Howard talking to a woman who claims to be Madonna's sister Paula Ciccone. Howard talks to her for a few minutes and the woman seems to believe that she's really her sister. Howard said he had to meet her after hearing her talk for a couple of minutes. Paula claimed she could sing exactly like Madonna so Howard asked her to sing for him. She never did because she was so busy rambling on and on about nothing. Howard tried to hang up on her but she kept talking and wouldn't get off the line. Howard said he'd talk to her the next day but she kept going. He eventually just put her on hold as she was talking. Fred threw in the Twilight Zone theme after he put her on hold. Howard then goofed on her for a short time.
Gary said that he had some people look into her and said that he heard that she really was her sister. Howard said he wanted to find out for sure so he asked Gary to look into it a little further. He got Paula back on the line and talked to her a little longer. Paula continued to ramble on and on for a few minutes before Howard put her on hold again.
Gary came in and told Howard that he got in touch with Madonna's publicist who told him that this woman is not her sister and there has been someone going around impersonating Madonna's sister. Gary said he thought that since it was in the news, she really was her sister. Howard said it's a good thing Robin was there because she told him to have Gary look into it. Howard told Gary to mark the date because this is the day he was duped by Madonna's sister. Stuttering John said that there were people calling in saying they were Kurt Cobain. Gary thought that he had done everything he could have to make sure this was legitimate.
Robin and Jackie were laughing their asses off at the whole situation. They were goofing on Gary about what he had done and couldn't stop laughing.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 10:55am.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 10:55am.