Howard's microphone wasn't working first thing this morning. Everyone else's was working but he had nothing so they went to their first commercial break immediately after the opening bits were played.
After the commercial break Howard's microphone was brand new and stinky. Howard complained about the smell of the brand new mic and tested it out. Fred was playing Howard's father doing his ''Testing, testing ONE TWO'' clip. Howard went on to complain about the hum coming from the new mic and the fact that Scott the Engineer claims that he'd tested out the old microphone three times before the show started. There were all kinds of weird noises coming from the studio and Howard couldn't get over that either. Scott the Engineer was trying to find out what the noise was in the studio. He said it might be a camera or a light in there. Scott also told Howard how he tested the microphone out on Friday after the power went out in the city and this morning. Howard told Scott that he didn't believe that he actually tested it. He also said he was out on Long Island yesterday and wasn't able to pick up the station out there. He said they need to get on a better transmitter. He suggested that someone from the station go out to the Island and drive around to make sure they're getting the coverage they're supposed to.
Scott the Engineer told Howard that when the big blackout happened on Thursday they had the DJs go over to another station to broadcast from. They had a generator for WCBS-FM and they were able to stay on the air. Howard wondered why they don't have a generator for their station. Scott said he thinks that they're not allowed to have one in their building. Howard said he heard that Dead Air Dave was talking through their ''Best of Stern'' show on Friday. Scott explained to him what that was all about. He said they don't have cart machines like they do at WXRK so he had to cue up the show on CD instead. Dave came in to talk to Howard but his microphone wasn't working either. Dave eventually got on microphone and said that he was told by Tom Chiusano to talk during the breaks. Howard wasn't too happy with that and talked about what Tom did when the power went out. Howard said Tom hung around and slept at the station.
Jim the Intern came in and said he stayed at the station as well because he didn't want to walk home from the station. He said he stayed there at the station and had people getting pissed at him because he was sleeping while they worked. Howard said they don't pay the kid to work there so he shouldn't have to work. Howard and Fred were also goofing on Tom and how he probably talked to the wall in his office while he stayed at the station. Jim also told Howard about how he made a joke about selling some porn on eBay and got himself in a little bit of trouble with Tom last week.
Gary brought up how there is no one there at the station making sure that everything works for them. He said that their internet connection is down and some of their phone services are still down even though the power is back on out there. Howard said he had a phone service that he uses and he can't get that back up and working for him. He said he pays $500 a month to use that service and they haven't gotten it back up and running for him. Howard also complained about how a bunch of other things there at the station still aren't working because of the major power outage they had last Thursday. Scott the Engineer was still defending his actions this morning with the microphone testing. He swears that he tested it out. Howard continued to goof on Tom Chiusano a little bit.
Howard said he read that New Yorkers behaved pretty well during the blackout. He said that we're supposed to behave well. He said he knew what they really meant when they wrote that. They were actually bragging that all of the minorities behaved well and didn't loot during the blackout. He said he thinks that there would be looting eventually if they had the lights out all the time.
Howard said he was in the city when the blackout happened. He was waiting for Beth to come back from work so they could head out to The Hamptons. He took his dog out for a walk and ran into his buddy Pat. Howard said Pat delayed him for about a minute and saved him from being stuck in an elevator. Howard had to walk up 55 flights of steps to get up to his apartment. Then he had to walk his pregnant neighbor down those 55 flights of steps. He said he tried to get to the heliport to get out to Long Island but there was gridlock. He said he was walking down the street with his dog in his arms and people were telling him to do something about the blackout.
Howard said he spoke to Arnold Scwarzenegger on Thursday and he's going to come on the show to talk about his run for governor. Howard said he really has to talk about the issues and where he stands on them. He also said it was a mistake for Arnold to pick Rob Lowe to run with him.
Howard said he really missed out on TV during the blackout. He said you don't realize how much you miss stuff like that until it's gone. He said he ended up grilling on a new barbecue grill instead. He said it was really weird not to have TV or anything to keep him busy with during the blackout. He said the only thing you can really do is have sex. Robin told Howard that they're expecting a baby boom after this blackout. Howard joked that Star Jones' boyfriend was banging a bean bag chair because he couldn't see what he was doing.
Howard read that a doctor was decapitated in an elevator during the blackout because he was trying to get out when the thing moved and chopped off his head. Robin said she didn't read that and wondered where he got that story. Howard didn't say where it came from though.
Robin told Howard that she was in a movie theater when the power went out on Thursday. He wondered if she was seeing ''Freddy vs. Jason.'' She said she did see that over the weekend but it wasn't on Thursday. She told Howard that the movie was actually fun but there really isn't a clear winner like he was hoping there would be. She went on to tell Howard how the power went out during this other movie she was watching. She said she went out and eventually got home to no air conditioning.
Howard said he was trying to get out of the city and people were begging for him to take them with him. He said it was like Saigon out there. He and Robin talked about how so many people had to walk home in the city when the power went out. Howard said it's a good reason to stay in shape. People had to walk really far on one of the hottest days of the summer.
Howard and Robin talked about how good Mayor Bloomberg was during this nightmare blackout. After praising him Howard went on to talk about the way the power grids work in the country. He said they used to have power companies that generated power for specific areas. Then they deregulated the industry and now we share all the power with different parts of the country and even with Canada. Howard said most of the power for New York State comes from Indian Point which is a nuclear power plant. Robin said he was wrong about that and they don't get most of it from there. Howard told her to just listen to him and he'd fill her in. He went on to talk about how there were a couple of power lines that went out in the Cleveland area. That's what led to the power going out on a good portion of the Northeast. He said the problem is that the government can't agree on how to fix the problem. Howard said another problem is that no one wants nuclear power plants. Robin said people also don't want power lines out in the open because they're so ugly.
Howard said the city was a complete mess during the blackout. Artie said the Ferry System looked like Woodstock because so many people were using it to get over to New Jersey. Howard said he heard that Stuttering John was in Sesame Place that day with his kids. Gary came in and talked about how he went there one time with his kids. He and Stuttering John shared stories about what the people there are like and the kind of crappy foods they serve at places like that. Gary said he was down in Washington DC with his kids and they serve a lot of fried foods at places like the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. Stuttering John talked about his Sesame Place visit and how that went. He mentioned that the people playing the characters had to go and get water so often that they didn't have a lot of time to spend with the kids. Howard said he once rented some Sesame Street outfits and got dressed up himself instead of going to a place like Sesame Place.
John said the worst part of Sesame Place is that it's a water park and everyone is walking around in their bathing suits. He was also talking about the hotel he stayed in was dirty and not that great but it was still $150 a night.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he saw Ozzy Osbourne singing ''Take Me Out to the Ball Game'' over the weekend and didn't know any of the words. He also said that Sharon threw the first ball and it landed about 10 feet in front of the catcher and rolled the rest of the way in. Howard didn't see it himself so the caller and Robin filled him in on the details. Howard had to take a break right after that.
Howard was still complaining about the odd noises that were going on in the studio. Tom Chiusano showed up around that time so Howard ended up goofing on him for a little while. He asked Tom how he's still the General Manager and how come no one has discovered him yet. Tom told Howard that he has no idea how he runs the station. Howard complained about the way the show sounded and how not all of their stuff was working this morning when they came in. Tom said that was their first concern over the weekend though. Howard said they had a bunch of Captain Janks phony phone calls to play but they couldn't get to their computer to play them.
Howard said he would declare a state of emergency in the country if he were president because we have a third rate power system in the country. While he was talking about that Stuttering John told Howard that Gary and Tom got in a big fight over the computer system not working this morning. Gary came in and said it was a minor thing that they already worked out. Howard went on to talk to Tom about how he was going out to get food last week during the blackout. They were also talking about how Tom was walking interns out of the building. Gary said Cane and Cabbie told one of the interns that she was going to have to give Tom oral when he drove her home. They were just kidding of course.
Tom told Howard how they were able to stay on the air by going over to the WCBS-FM studios to broadcast from. He also explained why they weren't able to play commercials at that time. He told Howard that they will eventually go all digital at their station as well but for now, they're still using the old cart machines. Tom also told Howard another story about a bathroom leaking water on one of their power supplies after the blackout. The story didn't really go anywhere so Howard goofed on him about that as well. He thanked Tom for coming in and got rid of him a short time later.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked how KC handled the whole blackout thing. KC came in a short time later and said he went to the gym and worked out by candle light. Howard asked him if he took off his shirt and pants while he worked out. KC said he did have his shirt off and he was working out with his buddy. KC said he was supposed to fly out to Pittsburgh to do a comedy show but he couldn't fly out. KC also said he went to the psychiatrist last week and the doctor told him he should have been medicated a long time ago. He has to go back today for more therapy.
Howard got off the line with Janks and took another phone call. A guy called in and made a new suggestion for the uncensored E! show tape he's going to put out. He suggested the name ''Howard Stern's Unscrambled Beaver Show'' as the title. Howard told him he'd let him know if he uses it but didn't sound too thrilled about it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the reason Erica didn't win the pageant was because she said she was into black guys. Howard wondered if that's why her father was upset. She wasn't sure but said she also talked about kissing other girls as well. A couple of other callers had a few things to say about the whole thing. Howard said parents really shouldn't lay trips like that on their kids. He wrapped up the discussion after that and took another commercial break.
Artie mentioned that his sister cooked him some ''filet mignons'' and pasta during the blackout. He said his girlfriend was trapped somewhere and she wasn't able to get home. He said he had a great time with his sister and his buddy Danny. Howard said he got a ton of e-mail about Artie's sister after the E! show that she appeared on. Howard read one from a guy who wants to play ''Who Wants to Date Artie's Sister.'' Howard said there was a lot of other e-mail about his sister but he didn't read any of the other stuff he got.
Howard said there was some weird stuff going on during the blackout. He said people were buying disposable cameras to take pictures of people crying when the power went out. He didn't understand why people were crying though. Howard said Beth was doing a photo shoot and the other model she was working with broke down and cried when the power went out. Beth ended up letting her use her apartment. She loaned her the keys to the apartment and she didn't return them in a timely manner. Howard said everyone was nuts during this blackout.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked Artie if his sister is single. Artie told him she is and the thought of him dating his sister makes him want to jump off a bridge. Jeff said he'd love to bang his sister. Artie did his impression of Jeff for a short time and goofed on him a little bit. Jeff said ''Stacey I love you!'' and said that he'd love to go out with her. Howard told Jeff to make sure he gets a pre-nuptial if he marries Stacey to make sure she doesn't get his hand stamper in the divorce.
Howard had an audio clip of Ozzy Osbourne singing ''Take Me Out to the Ball Game'' at a baseball game over the weekend. After playing it Howard said he doesn't believe that Ozzy would screw it up like that because he's a professional. Howard said he thinks Ozzy did that because the cameras were on him and he was trying to be ''the funny Ozzy.'' Howard said Ozzy knows how to sing and he wouldn't do this unless he wanted to look bad on purpose.
Howard brought up the ''Freddy Vs. Jason'' movie again and said he knew it would be a big hit after hearing about it. It made about $37 million on it's opening weekend. Robin said the makeup for Freddy wasn't all that great in the movie. She said it looked like a mask and it doesn't look like burned skin anymore. She also said his voice sounded different than it usually does.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up some other movies. That led to Howard talking about ''Seabiscuit'' and ''American Splendor.'' Robin said that the new Kevin Costner movie ''Open Range'' is also very good. The caller was saying that he gets bootlegged movies from a Chinese guy who comes around every week.
Robin asked Howard if he saw any stars over the weekend because when the power went out, the sky was more visible than usual. Howard said he didn't see any of that and didn't really care. He ended up complaining about the moon and all of the trouble it causes.
Howard said he heard that WBCN up in Boston is doing a promotion surrounding the movie ''Gigli.'' He read the letter he got from the program director up there and they're going to have a J-Lo big butt contest and give away stuff like ''I Survived Gigli'' t-shirts and stuff like that. They're giving away tickets to the final showing of the movie and that's when they'll be doing all of this stuff. They've been getting a lot of coverage over the promotion and Howard said he likes the idea.
Howard said one of the guys from E! sent him an article from the web about what we learned during the blackout. Howard read from the article and said we learned that chicks are hot when they're freaking out, pitch black darkness is great for fat chicks and ugly guys, ''Gigli'' didn't lose any money and a few other things. Howard said the worst thing for him was not having television. Robin said she listened to radio and enjoyed that for a while. Howard said he listened to their station as well and he got a little upset that he didn't hear his name mentioned. He went on to talk about his refrigerator going out and how the food goes bad and you're not sure whether you should eat it or not. Artie said he likes crushed ice in his Jack and water. He said he couldn't get it crushed so he had to use regular ice cubes instead.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and told Robin about the story Howard mentioned earlier in the morning about the guy who was decapitated in an elevator. He said it actually happened down in Texas. The guy stepped into the elevator and the doors caught his shoulders and then the elevator jerked upward and chopped off the guy's head. The elevator got stuck and the guy's decapitated body was in the elevator with a woman for 15 minutes while they tried to get her free. A listener called in a short time later and said Chaunce had the story wrong about the decapitated head. He said the guy's head was in the elevator with the woman, not his body. It was in today's NY Daily News on page 10 so Howard turned to it and read the story on the air. After that he said his dog almost died over the weekend. He said bulldogs can't swim and his dog fell into a pool and sunk like a rock. Howard said Beth jumped in the pool and helped get her out. Howard was going to jump in but started to take his sneakers off. Beth just hopped right in without thinking. Robin told Howard that she freestyled across her pool for the first time this weekend. She just recently learned how to swim so she was very proud of that.
A guy from a local newspaper called in and said that Chaunce Hayden had some info wrong about a quick story he told about a jockey who was injured during a horse race. The reporter told Howard that the guy wasn't hurt as bad as Chaunce made it sound. He was injured but not as bad as Chaunce made it sound. The reporter was telling Howard a bunch of other stuff but he had no idea what he was talking about so Howard bailed out on the call.
Howard brought up the phone call he had with Arnold Schwarzenegger last week. He said that Arnold is going to call in a bunch of times during this run for governor. Gary said that he was supposed to call in this morning but he had to postpone that call until later in the week. Howard said he thinks it'll be funny to have him on a few times to talk about all of this stuff.
A listener said that the woman who was in the elevator down in Texas was his aunt and she told him that when the head was chopped off, it started singing ''I ain't got nobody.'' Howard seemed to find that kind of funny.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he almost drowned at the Playboy mansion one time. He won a trip out there one time from Howard's show. Jeff said a chick pushed him into the pool and he started to swim. He went to stand up but he sank down so there was 3 inches of water over his head. He said it would have been a E! True Hollywood Story if he'd drowned there. Howard and the guys told him that he wouldn't have made the E! True Hollywood Story. That led to Howard talking about the Jenna Jameson E! True Hollywood Story that was on last night. He said he watched that and thought it was pretty good. Howard wondered what Jenna has done to her teeth and face lately because she looks like a completely different person than she did when they first met her.
Howard said Beth wanted to watch a special about how women don't have as much time on their biological clocks as they think. He said the report said that women should have kids in their late 20's or early 30's. Howard said he didn't want to watch it because he has no plans on having anymore kids. Beth knew it was Howard's worst nightmare so they ended up watching the Jenna Jameson story instead.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who was very impressed at how great Robin looks now that she's lost all of this weight. He also read some about the Asian girl who was on the E! show the other night when they did ''Stump The Booey'' game. A few people pointed out she had a lazy eye but Howard said you don't bang her eye so who cares. Another e-mailer thanked Howard for talking about his penis dripping after he pees because he has the same problem. A narcotics officer e-mailed Howard and told him he thinks that John has a drug problem. The guy also thinks that Artie has fallen off the wagon and may still be using cocaine. Artie said he's been coke free for over six years though.
A phone caller told Howard he thinks Robin doesn't like Beth so she should take a lie detector test to prove it. The guy also told Howard that he should lift his shirt over his shoulders when he goes doody because the smell stays in the shirt. The guy had a little bit of a strange accent that Artie picked up on. After he was off the phone Artie continued to goof on him for a few seconds before Howard went to break.
Howard said he had to call Robert Schimmel the other day after he'd appeared on the show. He told Gary to get a number for him so they got his daughter Jessica's number. Howard called the number and spoke to Jess for about a half hour. Bob got upset and thought Howard was calling her trying to get in her pants. Both Bob and Jessica were in the studio today to talk about that and the fact that Bob sold out his Caroline's comedy club shows. Then they had the blackout and weren't able to do the Thursday night show. The Friday show wasn't packed but the Saturday show was. Bob told Howard that the crowd obviously heard the show because they were chanting Howard's name. Bob said they wanted to see Jessica as well so he had to bring her out on stage and she got a standing ovation.
Howard asked Jessica about what went on with her mother after the show last week. Jessica said that her mother didn't want to talk to her after the show because she heard the show. Then her ex-boyfriend called her and said that his new girlfriend wanted to break up with him because she'd mentioned that he wanted anal sex from her when they were dating. Jess told some other stories about her new boyfriend getting upset about her talking about her old boyfriend. She also told some stories about oral sex that were all chopped up from the delay button getting hit so much. Howard told Jessica that Robin used to be bad at oral so she bought a video and watched that to help her get better at what she does.
Bob had some stories to tell also. He said that the room has a mini bar and he was told that it had sensors that tell the hotel if something is moved. If you move something, they charge you for it. The power went out later that day and his daughter needed something to eat so Bob figured he grab something from the mini bar. When he opened the door, he saw that a sensor light came on. They actually had back up power for the mini bar so no one can steal any stuff from it.
Howard took some phone calls for Bob and his daughter. One caller said that they had power out for 3 weeks one time and they didn't bitch and complain like the New Yorkers are. Jessica said that maybe down there they don't have as much to do as New Yorkers do. Another caller was talking about how his girlfriend is bi-polar and he's fat and.... Howard got so bored with the call that he hung up on the guy. He didn't know what he was talking about and it was so boring he just bailed out on it. It turned him off to taking more calls so he wanted to start the news. Fred told him he had to take a break though. Bob told Howard how great New York was during this blackout. He said if the same thing happened out in L.A., he would have had to have barricaded himself in his house because there would have been looting and rioting going on. Howard said Modells sporting goods did something cool and gave sneakers away to anyone who had to walk in the city during the blackout. He said that was a really cool thing to do and that somehow makes his show look better because they're a sponsor of his. He took a break right after that before getting to the news.
After the break Jessica continued to talk about how bad she is at giving oral sex. She said that she never had someone to teach her how to do it so it's hard to know what to do. Howard offered to teach her himself by taking her into his personal bathroom. He said he'd be like Yoda and let her ''feel the force.'' He said he'd be honored to teach her. Bob sounded like he was getting disgusted by the whole discussion since it was his daughter talking about sex with Howard. Howard was going to have Jessica practice on a banana but she didn't think she'd be able to do that in front of her father. They all talked about that for a while and then Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard started off the show talking about how they were going to ''paint a canvas'' with his words to create the radio show today. He went on about that for a short time before making an announcement about how they need interns there at the station. He said he doesn't know how many credits are involved though. You can send your resume to Anne Marie McCann at the station by e-mail or fax. Her e-mail address is AnneMarie@howardstern.com. You can fax it to her at (212) 314-9339.
Howard said they have actress Nicki Aycox from the movie ''Jeepers Creepers 2'' coming on the show today. He said they must need some ratings on E! and that's why they're having on a hot chick. He goofed around with her name for a short time before moving on.
Howard said that he saw Jewel on some show the other night and her make over has made her look uncomfortable on camera. He said she tries to dance around and she just looks like she doesn't want to be doing it.
Howard also brought up this Jessica Simpson and how stupid she comes off on her new reality show. He said he heard that at one point she's eating tuna with her husband and asks him if it's chicken or tuna. She thinks that because it says ''Chicken of the sea'' that it might be chicken.
Howard said he read this story that Paul Harvey apparently wrote. He said he doesn't believe it but read it anyway. The story was about a guy who was attacked by a bunch of guys and was beaten to a point where he looked dead. As he was being taken to the morgue the driver heard him take a breath. He didn't have a face because it was beaten so bad. As Howard read this story it was obvious that it was a fake because of the poor grammar. The story said that the guy was able to go through surgery and had his face fixed after finding god in a catholic church. At the end of the story they say that the guy was Mel Gibson. Robin heard that and said that it's obviously a fake story.
Howard brought up the internship thing again and had everyone trying to spell Anne Marie's name correctly. Robin thought there was no 'E' in her name so Artie corrected her. Howard spent a minute on that before he had to take his first break.
Howard said they still don't have internet service there at the station. He said ever since the blackout last week they haven't had it. He said he thinks that every other station in the company probably has their service back but there's no urgency from their General Manager to get it back. Howard said he has stuff he needs to get through that internet connection and he just can't do it. He also complained about the phone service he has that still hasn't come back yet either. He said he's going to cancel that service because of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who was talking very fast and mumbling a little bit. He wanted to know when Howard's mother was going to be back on the show because he likes when she calls in. Howard said she calls in once in a while and she'll be on sometime but didn't say when. The guy also wanted to play a ''F***, Marry, Kill'' game. He gave the names Robin, Beth and Ray Stern (Howard's mother). Howard said he'd F-Robin and F-Beth and he's not marrying anyone. He had to hang up on the guy because he was rambling and unintelligible.
Comedian Shuli called in and had a few things to talk about. He had some suggestions for questions to ask Robin if she ever takes a lie detector test. He had questions about whether or not she like Howard or her old horse anymore. Howard spent a couple more minutes fielding questions from Shuli before moving on to another caller.
A listener brought up a story about Dee Snider's brother-in-law getting shot and killed in the city yesterday. Howard said he read that and said he feels sorry for Dee and his wife. He used to hang out with them and knew of the brother-in-law. He pulled out the story and read about how he was shot in the face by an unknown assailant. Howard said the guy must have been involved with some really nasty people. He also said he knows that Dee's wife was really close to her brother and feels for her. The caller thanked Howard for the many years of great radio that he's given him before getting off the phone.
Howard said he's read that there are a lot of problems with the new ''The Man Show'' on Comedy Central. He pointed out that Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel used to host it but now Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan are the hosts. Howard heard that Joe fired one of the ''Juggies'' who jump up and down on trampolines for the show. They say that Joe brought in one of his own chicks after having this woman fired.
Howard said he tuned in to watch the roast of Dennis Leary on Comedy Central. He found it strange how Dennis sat on one side of the stage with his celebrity friends while the comedians sat on the other side of the stage. Howard said a lot of the comedians were really funny on that roast. He said Mario Cantone, Nick DiPaolo and Colin Quinn were all very funny. There were a bunch of other things on the roast that were kind of dull to Howard but he said he liked the way Gina Gershon looked even though her performance was unintelligible. She's supposed to be on the show in October. Howard said he can't wait that long though. He said he wasn't able to understand what she was singing but watched her because she looked good. Artie said he just had his TV muted during that performance. Howard had to take another break right after that.
Howard played a clip from the movie ''Demolition Man'', which takes place in the future, where they talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger having been President at one point. Howard said it's like they had a premonition.
Howard replayed the clip of Ozzy Osbourne singing ''Take me out to the Ball Game'' that he played yesterday. Howard said he can't believe that Ozzy could have been so bad at the song because he's a professional singer.
Howard had an audio clip from a special that MTV is running about past Video Music Award shows. At one point they talk about how Michael Jackson's people pretty much created this ''Artist of the Millennium'' award that didn't even exist. There was no award to be given, he just accepted it on stage because he was told by his people that he was getting one. After hearing that Howard said the guy is really pathetic and that he's ''way gone.'' He goofed on him a little bit and then played an audio clip where they talk about his Fartman appearance back in 1992. They have clips of Howard talking about how crazy it was to be coming in from 50 feet in the air and how his flabby ass was the funny part of the whole thing. One of the producers said that Howard wouldn't leave the press tent until she touched his ass. Howard said he didn't even remember that but they did have tape of it. Howard said his buttocks really is hideous. It's a little better now but it's still a mess according to him. He said they still ask him to come back but he won't do the show again.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he read a story about an Iraqi guy who traded in a bunch of guns for just a few pictures from Maxim magazine. Howard said the guys are starved for stuff like that over there and it's amazing what you can do with some pictures of hot chicks. Robin said that it's like 118 degrees over in Iraq and that's considered comfortable because it can get up to 130 degrees.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up KC and how hard it is for gay guys to come out of the closet. KC came in and said that the guy on the phone is probably gay and asked him if he helps gay guys come out by doing it sexually. The guy said he'd have to come into the office to find out himself. Howard spent a little time talking about how he's now on Zoloft for his mental problems. He also said that the shrink hasn't said anything about him being gay in his sessions. Howard said that stuff takes time to come out. Gary came in a minute later and said that one of the intern's sisters was in one day last week and asked ''Hey, who's the cute gay guy who sits in the corner?'' when she saw KC there. KC doesn't understand that stuff though and insists that he's not gay. He told Howard he didn't take his medication over the weekend when he was doing his comedy acts though. Howard said he heard that the drug takes about a month to start working. KC said it's actually 2 weeks. He's been skipping days though so it's not going to start working if he keeps doing that. Stuttering John came in and said that these drugs take a while to start working so he has to keep taking them. He said he's taken all of these drugs so he knows. KC said he drinks on the weekend and you're not supposed to drink while you're on these drugs. Howard questioned KC about liking guys but he will never say that he likes dudes. Howard said he heard that KC would walk around his college campus holding hands with his friend and if anyone called them gay, they'd beat them up. KC said they did that to prove a point... That you're not supposed to make fun of people.
Howard said that they have a crisis there at the station as far as their internet connection. He said that they can't do anything with their computers because of their internet connection. Howard said Gary asked Tom about it and Tom yelled at him and claimed that it was a company wide problem. Gary called around and found out the other stations have access and it's just their station that doesn't have it. Gary said now Tom is saying that it's not a company wide problem and it's a local phone carrier problem for their area. Howard told Gary to go up to another floor and see if other people in their building are able to get internet access. Gary said he's also unable to get in touch with their computer guy. Howard said Tom is not a ''can do'' type of guy. Howard said it's all a joke and Tom doesn't know how to run the company.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that KC shouldn't be worrying about the gayness thing. He should just learn to be happy in his life. That's what he has to work out with the psychiatrist. Howard ended up asking Dominic about his weight loss and how that's been going. Dominic said it's going well so far and he's still got some weight to lose. Howard spent a minute on that and then tried to take a call from Eric the Midget. Eric wasn't there. Howard went to break a short time after that.
A woman called in and said she wants to be on the show because she wants to be a car model. Howard said that seems to be the lower rung of the modeling world. He said a lot of those car models are kind of fat. Howard asked her if she has a ''gunt'' which is a flap of belly fat that hangs over your pants. She said she doesn't have that and said she wants to come in so Howard can tell her if she's model quality. Howard said he'd do that and put her on hold.
Howard brought in Michael who wanted to play Win Fred's Money today. He also had Nicole, a go-go dancer, who came in to get naked for them if Michael loses. The stripper kept saying that she's a dancer, not a stripper when Howard spoke to her. Michael said that he's going to give her $500 if he wins the $10,000 grand prize. Howard had her model a little bit for them before they got to the game. He said she looks a little like Jennifer Aniston. He spoke to her for a short time and found out she was supposed to be a bartender but ended up getting a job stripping instead. She told Howard about her parents breaking up and leaving her. Howard figures she needs attention so that's why she does the stripping thing. She said she doesn't do it for attention, she does it for money. The guys asked her about the guys she strips for and if they offer her stuff to give them sexual favors. She said she does get offers like that but she doesn't do anything. Artie asked her if she'd bang him for $3000. She said ''no'' after pausing for a moment.
Howard had Nicole get undressed behind the curtain they have in the studio. She refused to take off her ''drawers'' though. The guys goofed on her a little bit about the use of the word ''drawers'' instead of panties. Howard said he didn't even care about seeing her vagina though so he let her keep them on. He then asked Michael a few questions about his IQ and stuff like that. Michael said he has about a 128 IQ. For those who like to play along, I've moved the answers to the bottom of this segment. Here are the seven questions they ask. If Michael beats Fred, he wins $10,000 courtesy of Gary Barbera's Dodgeland and RisqueVideo.com
The stripper came out of the curtain topless and everyone was impressed with her body but she had a few too many tattoos according to Howard. He had her turn around to show them the many tattoos. She was also wearing a birth control patch which Howard didn't like. She said the patch actually helps her breasts grow a little bit. Howard ended up giving her a $500 prize for getting topless. Gary asked her if she'd get completely naked for the money. She said her father is going to watch the show so she didn't want to do it. Howard spent a couple more minutes with them and then wrapped up the segment and went to commercial break. The answers to the questions are below...
Howard took a phone call from a woman who could barely speak English. Her accent was very heavy so Howard wondered how any guy could be married to someone like that. She was calling in to offer her services to clean the bathroom there at the station. Howard asked her if she'd be good with four day old, hardened doody. She said she can do anything. She said you have to flush it first, then pour bleach on it. She said she's been cleaning for 15 years and has cleaned everything. She once saw a tampon on a side table. Howard asked her a few more questions about cleaning up disgusting stuff and told her that she'd have to see Scott DePace's turds. She said that bleach is the secret to cleaning everything. Howard wanted to know who the sloppiest ethnic group was. She said she didn't want to answer that but did say that younger people are pretty messy. Howard gave her a $500 gift courtesy of the Snl: 25 Years of Music DVD that just came out recently. Howard then asked her what ethnic group clogs the toilet most. She didn't have an answer so Howard gave up on the questioning and put her on hold to get the prize.
Gary came in and told Howard that he went up to another floor in the building and found out that there is a company there that has internet access. That led to Howard going off on Tom as he was doing earlier in the morning. Howard also brought up how during the blackout last week, Tom was doing some strange stuff like walking up 14 flights of stairs backwards. Howard said he was asked what he would like Tom to do about this. He said he wants him to resign so they can bring in someone who can get him internet access. Howard said he doesn't know why Tom was walking up stairs backwards. He said Tom is a nice guy but it's time for him to step aside. Howard then joked that he hopped on one leg for an hour after 9/11. Tom came in a couple of minutes later and asked him if he had anything else to talk about. He said he made a point of not listening to the show today but people have been telling him how Howard was killing him on the air. Howard asked Tom why he was walking up stairs backwards. Tom said he did it just once and he did it to work a different set of muscles. Howard went on to tell Tom about the internet access problem but Tom says they're not the only ones who don't have it. Howard said he'd stop talking about Tom at this point. He moved on to Nicki Aycox after that.
Nicki said that the first Jeepers Creepers movie did very well in the theaters even though Howard said he never heard of it. She said that she doesn't get naked in the movie but she doesn't wear a bra. Howard said she wasn't wearing one this morning either. He said her boobs aren't big but they're nicely shaped. She seems to think that not wearing a bra is the reason that they look so good. Howard said he wishes that more women were like her.
Howard read that Nicki isn't into being in a committed relationship so she has quite a few boyfriends. She said she just recently started dating a guy that's getting kind of serious though. Howard talked to her about that and asked her if she's had any famous guys. She said she's been with some up and coming guys but probably no one they'd know.
Howard said that the director of ''Jeepers Creepers 2'' is the same guy who directed ''Powder.'' She said she didn't know a lot about the guy and what he'd done in the past. Howard said maybe the guy paid his debt to society and won't bother people anymore. She said he was very nice to her during the filming so she doesn't have a problem with him.
Howard went on to ask Nicki about how she handles relationships when guys start to get too serious. She said she has to just tell them that she will get serious with them when she wants to. Howard said he thinks when she hits 30, that will all change though. She doesn't seem to think that will happen.
Howard read some more stuff about Nicki. She said she had sex on a train in Italy one time and loves to have sex in the shower. Artie asked her if she minds if a guy wears a flannel shirt while she's having sex. She just laughed. Howard said she lost her virginity at 14 to a guy who was 21 years old. Howard went over a few other things he read about her. She said she likes to be spanked when she's with a guy too. She doesn't like the guy to get out of hand with that though. She also likes to blindfold men when she has sex with them. Howard said she likes older men as well and had a relationship with a 40 year old guy.
Howard took some phone calls for Nicki and one guy said she's just another whore just like Beth. Another caller said he'd like to take her out on a date if she's ever up in Toronto. Howard hung up on that guy and let another guy ask what kind of guy she's looking for. She said she doesn't really look for guys who are good looking or have money. She said she likes guys with a sense of humor. Other guys called in and called her a whore for some reason.
Howard wrapped up the segment and thanked Nicki for coming in. He said he didn't think she was a whore... more like a slut. He said he was just kidding about that though. He thanked her for coming in without a bra on as well. The movie ''Jeepers Creepers 2'' opens on August 29th. She'll also be appearing in the September issue of Playboy as a ''Babe of the Month.'' She said she's topless but covered up so you can't see everything.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he went to Scores with some friends and they were disappointed. He said there were only maybe 2 good looking girls there the night he was there and they only get topless. He claims that up in Massachusetts they get totally naked. Howard told the guy not to call into his show and badmouth Scores. He got the guy off the phone a short time later and started to complain about his microphone not sounding right. He told Scott the Engineer to get it fixed for him.
A woman called in and said that she'd be willing to do anything to get on the show to get a friend's band played on the air. Howard said she has to come in and give everyone oral sex. She said she'd do that if she could get out there from Missouri. Howard told her all of the guys that she'd have to give oral to and it included everyone from him to J.D. The virgin. She changed her story a minute later and said she'd be willing to do anything ''over the phone'' but not in the studio. Howard hung up on her and had Robin start her news.
Howard quickly mentioned that the new FOX show ''OC'' is on tonight. He said he's been watching it even though he's not sure what to think about it yet. Howard went on to talk about how so many shows are in rerun right now and ''Smallville'' came up. He said when they start the new season, that kid better not still be in High School because he looks like he's 40. Howard said when he casts for his remake of ''Porkeys'' he's going to get real teenagers to play the parts. He and Robin talked about that for a short time and then got back to the news.
Howard said he was up very early this morning so he was tired. He said he was up at about 2 in the morning and couldn't fall asleep. He said he's investigating last week's power outage and it's obvious that the power companies out there don't want to spend money to fix the power grids because it costs them money and effects their bottom line. He compared them to Tom Chiusano who hates to spend money at the station. Howard also complained about the phone service he uses because they still haven't fixed their service.
Howard said Beth was assaulted on the street yesterday when a well dressed black guy grabbed her by her arm and whipped her around. She was able to pull away but the guy ran off. Howard said someone they know was nearby and tried to help but the guy still got away. Howard said there was another guy the other day who stopped his car in the middle of the street and insisted that she take his card because he wanted to be her boyfriend. He wouldn't take no for an answer and told her that he was going to change his life. Howard said he was verbally abusive but didn't touch her. Howard had the guy's card and wanted to call him and get him on the air. He said he has to tell the guy that he's going to put him on the air. Gary got the card and said he'd do it off the air. He came back a short time later and said he got the guy's voice mail when he called. Howard said the guy was yelling and screaming at her to take the card. According to the guy's card he does construction and design. Howard and the guys think that he was going to change her life and she'd end up in a cornerstone of a building or something. They talked about how scary that story and the other story were. Artie was talking about following chicks for blocks in the city. He said he's actually crossed streets in the wrong place and run to catch up to hot chicks he's seen in the city. Robin said she saw a woman who looked like she was about 15 from behind but then when you see her from the front, she looks scary and about 50 years old. Artie said the thing that deceives you is a nice tan. Howard said he gives hot chicks a nice ''Hey now!'' when they're walking past him on the street and sometimes he picks the wrong women to do that to.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why everything had to be racial with him with these attack stories. Howard said he wasn't being racial, there was a black guy and a white guy who assaulted her on the street. Howard explained that Beth gave him the description for each of the guys who came up to her so he was relaying the story.
Howard got back to his discussion about the power outage and how deregulation for the power companies was probably a bad idea but there's not much chance they'll reverse that decision. While he was talking about that a guy called in and claimed to be the black guy who grabbed Beth on the street. Howard knew he was full of crap but played along with it for a minute and then hung up on the guy when he revealed he was putting on the accent. He took a couple more quick phone calls and then went to commercial.
Howard said that tonight's E! show has the final episode of the Intern Beauty Pageant that they just did last week. Artie said he was watching the show the other night and watched when he was spanking Rappin' Granny in the ass. He said he didn't know he'd knocked her headphones off when he spanked her.
Howard read some e-mail he's gotten lately. Some people wrote in about KC's mental problems and the fact that he's on Zoloft now. Howard said that KC isn't in today and he's afraid to find out why that it. He read some other e-mail about Artie spanking Rappin' Granny. Some people liked that but there were others who didn't want her on the show at all. Others wrote in about Artie's drinking on the E! show where the ''Queer Eye'' guys made him over. Someone wrote in and asked about the ''Son of the Beach '' DVDs and Howard said he knows nothing about it because he's not consulted and doesn't make a dime off of those things.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One woman wondered if a deli in New York City would carry alcohol. Howard told her she should just call one and find out herself. She and her drunk guy were rambling a bit so he bailed out on the call. Gary the Retard was on the phone but he must have fallen asleep waiting to get on. Howard listened to him snoring for a little while and tried to wake him up. Artie was yelling about retards trying to wake him but it didn't work. Howard put him on hold and took another call. This guy asked Howard if he saw Shania Twain on TV last night. Howard said he doesn't like country music but tuned in to watch her anyway. He said he just wanted to see what she looked like. The guy on the phone liked what she was wearing but Howard didn't seem to think she was all that sexy. He said she looked matronly and she was a horrible singer. He said she's singing songs that aren't quite country and not quite rock. He gave her a D as a grade for the performance he saw. He told the caller he didn't like how she looked either.
Howard read an e-mail they got from this guy who wants to date Artie's sister. He read a note from the guy the other day and the guy wrote in again to say he was serious about meeting her. He gave them his cell number just in case they want to contact him. Artie said he'd take it under advisement and took the number from Howard.
Howard said he will discuss that pool thing with Arnold Schwarzenegger when he comes on the show next time. That led to Howard and Robin talking about how Arnold has been getting slammed lately about his run for governor. They talked about the doody a little more and Howard said he's all done with raising kids now. Stuttering John came in a minute later and said when they were at Sesame Place his wife could feel where kids had peed in the pool because the temperature changed. Howard was grossed out by that and took a break a minute later.
Howard said Gary was pitched a business proposition that's unbelievable. He said he was offered $10,000 to do a celebrity cruise but he only gets that money if he can sell 100 rooms on the cruise. Howard read the note that Gary got about it and read it. He said that Gary gets $10,000 for every 100 rooms he's able to sell. Robin said if he sold the whole cruise, he could make a lot of money. Howard said that they have other celebrities who do the cruises and read some of the names. One of them was a football player that even Artie had never heard of. There was Rusty Wallace (NASCAR racing dude), Dirk Benedict (Battlestar Galictica), Peter Marshall (Hollywood Squares) and a few others. Howard said he wants to go on one of these cruises. Howard said they could do the show from the cruise. He said they could do the Dirk Benedict cruise that sails in January. The guys ended up goofing around with some ideas for other celebrities that might sail like George Takei. Howard said he'd check into it and maybe go on that Dirk Benedict cruise.
Howard brought up the news that was on the cover of the NY Post and the Daily News this morning. Bombings and killings over in the mid-east and Israel were just a few of the things he brought up. He had tape of a press conference that was going on when a bomb went off nearby. He talked about that stuff for a little while and some other news stories. He brought up a story about one of the members of the band Phish who was charged with child endangerment and trespassing. Howard said the band is kind of a Grateful Dead kind of band who have fans that follow them all over the country. He read the story and the guy claims that he was taking ''art photos'' of a 9 year old girl. He claims that he's not a pedophile and was just going to take pictures. They say that the girl was the daughter of a Hell's Angel who is now dropping the charges because it was all a big misunderstanding.
Howard read a story about a woman who was killed in California by either a shark or a sea mammal. He read that she was wearing a black wetsuit and flippers. He wondered how many times people have to hear about people being attacked because they look like other sea animals before they stop doing that.
A lot of people have been contacting Howard about the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be on the show to talk about his run for governor. He said no one has really done an in depth interview with him yet so news crews want to come down to cover it. Howard said some news programs are upset that he's going to get the interview but Howard pointed out that he helped get Governor Patacki elected so maybe Arnold will benefit as well. Howard played an audio clip from Good Day where Jillian Barberie defended Howard's show when someone else on her show made it sound like Arnold doing Howard's show wouldn't be helping him out at all. Howard played Arnold's first commercial and goofed around with that a little bit. The guys said that Arnold should have James Cameron (Terminator) direct his commercials.
Howard brought up Shania Twain again and said he would like to bang her. He said the rock chicks out there these days don't look all that great. He said Christina Aguilera is getting fat and all of the other rock chicks aren't looking too good. He and the guys spent a short time on that subject before Crazy Cabbie came in.
Jason came in and said he was walking down the hall when he heard Cabbie yelling at the top of his lungs. He said that's what he told Gary about and didn't say anything else. Gary said that walls can only block so much and that's why everything else made it on the air. Cabbie said that he doesn't want any of this stuff off the air to make it on the air anymore. Gary said Cabbie almost killed Issac from E! one day when he was taping him in an argument. Issac came in and told Cabbie that anything that happens there in the studio is fair game for video taping. Cabbie was upset because he was talking about the kind of car he drives and that's why he was so upset that day. Howard said Cabbie has ''Cabbie'' license plates so it's not like he's trying to keep it secret. Cabbie said he just doesn't want people screwing with his car like they have been doing.
Howard got back to the accusations that Cabbie made against Cane. He asked him about the tape editing and if it was true. Cabbie defending his buddy Cane and said he's over that now and doesn't want to talk about it.
Dominic Barbara called in and wondered why Cabbie doesn't want people to know what kind of car he owns but he'll talk about how he's had anal sex. Dominic also brought up Cabbie's birth mother so Howard was going to move on to that but Cabbie wanted Dominic off the phone.
Cabbie was talking about how people are messing with his car and his house. He said his alarm system at the house goes off at random times and now he's going to arm himself to take care of stuff like that. He doesn't like people messing with his family and he's ready to take care of business. He said he comes out in the morning and his tires are all flat and kids don't do stuff like that. While they were talking about this stuff Howard said Cabbie was just about crying. Cabbie said he wasn't crying but he was pretty stressed out because he can't sleep while he's watching his stuff.
Howard got to the story about Cabbie's birth mother and how he was reunited with her not all that long ago. The family adopted him back but now he's kind of regretting that decision. He said that he did it for his mother more than he did it for himself. He said he doesn't really have a family because he never really did as he was growing up. Cabbie said he's gotten calls from his step-father telling him to call his mother more often so he would. Then he'd stop calling for a while and he'd get nasty e-mails about it. He said he got e-mail saying that he looks like his brothers and sisters and he treats his mother like shit like they do as well. Cabbie said he's not the one who walked away from them as a baby, they walked away from him. He said he hasn't asked this family for anything and now they're asking him for stuff that he just can't give them. Robin said Cabbie sounds like any son with his mother. He's pulling away because they're trying to get too close, too fast. Howard said Cabbie called him about this one day and he told him that this is what he wanted. He's the one who wanted to be reunited with his mother and now that she's asking to have more of him, he's pulling away.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Cabbie was lying about never having given out his home address. He said on 9/11 he was telling Howard where he was watching the disaster from. The guy called him ''faggot'' a few times and hung up. A few other callers had some words for Cabbie and none of them were nice. They were pretty brutal. Cabbie didn't sound too thrilled with all of the calls Howard was taking. He was getting pissed and yelled at them all.
Howard and Robin told Cabbie it's okay if he doesn't want to have a relationship with a family. Howard said that they'll hire another family for him if he wants. A few more phone callers got Cabbie even more upset when Howard let them through. A bunch of guys were saying that Cabbie gives out his address on business cards and on the web but he says that's not true.
Howard started to wrap up the discussion but they ended up bringing up Trim Spa, the diet supplement that Cabbie uses, and how Anna Nicole Smith is using it and losing weight. Howard heard that Cabbie was upset that he didn't get credit for helping get Anna on it. He came in when she was on the show and suggested that she use the stuff. He said he just wanted a thank-you from them for that. Cabbie also told Howard that they have a huge concert announcement to make during their show later today. He said you have to listen to Cane and Cabbie from 2-6 on K-Rock in New York to find out what it is. They tried to get it out of him but Cabbie said he can't do that because they'd chop off his nuts if he did. Howard said he'd find out what the announcement is and scoop them. He took a break right after that.
Howard said Gary the Retard was still on the phone asleep. He discovered that earlier in the show and got back to him shortly after the Bob Levy roast. He and the guys ended up goofing on Gary a little bit and wondered what he dreams about. They wondered if he's retarded or normal in his dreams. Artie joked that in his dreams he's probably as smart as Jessica Simpson. That led to Howard replaying the audio clip of Jessica wondering if she was eating fish or chicken while eating ''Chicken of the Sea'' tuna.
Ray got laid after meeting a couple of chicks on Sunset Blvd. That was before the Playboy mansion but Ray says he was drunk so he doesn't know who the women were or what their names were.
Karina passed out at one point during their date but Ray didn't take advantage of her. She said she doesn't party very much so when she does party, she goes a little too far. Howard wrapped up the segment after hearing all of that. Karina gave a couple of shout outs to her friends and Howard got off the phone with them so he could get to William Shatner. You can check out Karina's web site at CumWithKarina.com
Howard asked Mr. Shatner if he's ever done one of these celebrity cruises like they were talking about earlier in the morning. Shatner said he hasn't done that, he just does the paintball thing. He got in another plug for the paintball event he's going to be at on Labor Day weekend. He invited Howard and the other guys to participate in it. He said there's also a Star Trek convention up there at the same time. You can find out the details at WilliamShatner.com.
Howard took a call from a woman who said this wasn't William Shatner on the phone. She said it wasn't his voice. Howard said it was him though and wanted to bet the woman that it was really him. She refused to believe that it was him though. She wanted Stuttering John to be fired for letting him through but it was really him. Jeff the Drunk called in a short time later and said that Shatner wasn't pronouncing Binghamton correctly. He corrected him on that and then complained about how Shatner only plugs stuff when he's on the show.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said he doesn't believe it's him either. He tried to trick Shatner by saying that he had his latest book in front of him. Shatner said the last book he wrote was called ''I'm Working on That.'' Dominic didn't have the book there so he didn't know if that was the right name or not. Howard and Shatner went to dinner not too long ago so Howard wrote down the name of a person they ran into while they were at dinner. He then had Shatner say who it was to prove it was him. Shatner forgot her name for a few seconds and then revealed it was Heather Locklear. That was the right answer so he proved that it was really him.
Howard told Shatner about the phony phone call that Kidd Chris did to George Takei as Ricardo Montalban. Howard said he'd play it for him the next time he comes in. He and Artie were having so much fun talking about it and making fun of Takei that Howard had to find it to play it for Shatner. They found it a short time later and played it. Shatner started laughing as soon as he heard Takei talking. After the call Shatner said it was very funny and the worst Ricardo Montalban he'd ever heard. They got a few laughs out of that.
Howard asked Shatner if he will ever make another Star Trek. Shatner said ''no'' and that it's all over for him. Howard also asked him why there were no retards on the Enterprise. Shatner said there were retards, they were just disguised.
Howard brought up some other clips they had. He had the clip of Shatner mispronouncing the word sabotage. The engineer corrects him and Shatner tells him not to correct him and that he pronounces the word that way. He also tells the guy that it disgusts him that he would correct him. Howard wrapped up the call a short time later.
Gary interrupted the interview to tell Howard that the guy who they were talking about earlier in the show was on the phone. This was the guy who handed Beth his card after insisting that she take it because he'd change her life. Howard got this guy, Ben, on the phone and told him what happened that day. Ben made it sound like Beth was telling lies about what he actually did. Howard asked the guy if he's married because he thinks he might be. Howard asked him if that ever works for him. Ben said that if Howard needs some tips on picking up women, he'd help him out. The guy said he doesn't even remember who Beth was. Robin assumed that he does this all the time then. Howard said he bets that the guy is married. Robin asked him why he does this and what he plans to do when the women call him back. Howard said Beth told him the guy was scary when he came up to her. He was sounding kind of scary on the phone as well. The guy was saying that Howard was being rude to him but Howard said he was rude to Beth. Robin and Artie said he was obnoxious and scary even on the phone.
Nick said that handing out cards like that might work on Hollywood Blvd. when a 14 year old girl gets off a bus for the first time. It doesn't work in New York City. Howard brought up how Nick is going to do Caroline's (Carolines.com) on Broadway and it's a big deal. Nick said he's been there before though and it's not that big of a deal. He said he was supposed to have Dat Phan from ''Last Comic Standing'' with him but he thinks he's opening up for the ''Iron Chef'' crowds or something. Nick is also going to be on ''Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn'' tonight on Comedy Central. Howard said it seems like Nick is getting pretty popular but then Nick said he just did an appearance with Beetlejuice last weekend. He said that Beetlejuice is the one getting all of the broads though. Nick told Howard a story about Beetlejuice taking a crap and getting some of it on his shoe before one of their shows. Nick said he didn't want to use the same microphone that he did. He said he was laughing his ass off sitting in the green room watching Beetlejuice fighting with his manager Sean. He said Beet was standing there, shirt undone, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth like he was Sammy Davis Jr. Then, after the show, they watched as tons of chicks had their pictures taken with Beetlejuice while they stood there watching and wondering what happened. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later. He tried to get Gary the Retard to wake up on the phone but it just wasn't happening.
Howard said he was up since 3 in the morning. He couldn't get back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night. Artie suggested that he just give them a call whenever he wakes up so they can get the show over and done with.
Howard said Robin was in a mini-skirt this morning. He sounded very impressed with that and asked her if she's gotten a completely new wardrobe. Artie said Nick DiPaolo was really impressed with how great she looked. He said after the show yesterday they were out on 6th Avenue and just blurted out something about how great she looked.
Howard said he was pulling his hair out all yesterday. He said that Tom got a hold of him and told him that if he interviews Arnold Schwarzenegger, he'll have to give all of the other candidates equal air time. Howard said when he heard that his head was spinning. He was thinking about that during the show all yesterday after Tom broke the news. Howard said that he's not going to think about those equal time laws. He just wants to interview Arnold. He said he told Tom that his show is no different than a show like Access Hollywood. They do interviews with him just like he would do and they don't have to give equal time to others. Howard said Tom told him that he should give Arnold about a minute or maybe 3 minutes tops. He said that he'd interview every one of those candidates if he had to. Howard said he eventually told Tom that he was going to do the interview no matter what. Then he went out to dinner with his kids and Tom called him during that. Howard called him back later and Tom told him that their lawyers say that the interview should be edited out in California. Howard told him that he can't do that to him because that's where he wants to be on. He asked Tom what he wanted him to do and that he's not a lawyer so he can't tell him what has to be done. He can't make the decision himself. Gary came in with something to add to the conversation but Howard didn't want him to say anything.
Gary started to walk out but Howard told him to go ahead and say whatever it was he wanted to say. Gary was gone by then so Howard got back to his story. He said that he told Tom to get in touch with Gary when they made the decision. Gary called him about a half hour later and told him that Tom wanted him to cancel the interview. Howard said he knew that was going to happen so he decided to call Mel Karmazin and the lawyer about the situation. He said he called Steve the lawyer because Mel was busy buying Iraq or something. Steve's secretary was giggling when she heard it was Howard on the phone but he wasn't in the mood for that. He eventually got Steve on the phone and talked to him about what was going on. Howard said Steve told him that Oprah Winfrey's show was exempt from this equal time law one time and they said that her show was ''news'' at the time. Howard said that not all 130 candidates would call in but maybe 60 of them would and they'd all have to get equal time. Robin asked Howard if this all meant that Arnold wasn't calling in today. Howard said that is the case and he won't be calling in today. Robin said they're being ripped off and some show like Good Morning America will get the interview instead. Robin said it's just their show that this stuff happens to. No other shows are subjected to these ridiculous rules.
Howard said Gary called Arnold last night and he understood what was going on. Artie said the good thing is that Jeff the Drunk was able to make it in. Howard said when his car pulled in this morning Jeff was standing outside and when he turned to see the car, he fell down and his glasses flew off. Artie said he was greeted by Jeff when he came in as well. Robin also got a quick greeting from him when she came into the building.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and people were all pointing out how his show is the one that gets screwed in situations like this. Howard said it's because the government is against him. Howard pointed out that Jimmy Kimmel had Gary Coleman on his show so anyone of those 130 candidates who want to get equal time should have to be allowed on that show. He wondered why those people can't demand equal time. Howard sounded a bit pissed and bummed out about the whole situation. More callers got through and told Howard about what other shows have had Arnold on their show but they don't give equal time to the other candidates. Ralph called in and said Jimmy Kimmel wanted to play a clip of Arnold saying something funny at a press conference but he couldn't even play that because of the equal time thing. Howard said that's not exactly what happened and that it was a clip of Arnold smoking pot from the movie ''Pumping Iron'' that they wanted to play. ABC has a policy against playing stuff like that so that's why they didn't play it. Ralph was arguing with him about it so Howard told him to get off his phone and hung up on him. Howard said he wants every one of those 130 candidates to demand that they be on the Jimmy Kimmel show since he had Gary Coleman on. He said it would show the FCC how ridiculous the rules are.
Howard said they have Jeff the Drunk and porn star Jill Kelly (Get her videos here!) coming in today so all is not lost. Robin was wearing her mini-skirt because Arnold was supposed to be in. Howard apologized to her for that and then went to break.
Howard had Gary Garver on the phone to talk about some bad news. Howard said that their Los Angeles board operator, Rudy, just died. The board op was only 25 years old. Garver said he went to the hospital because he wasn't feeling too well and apparently, his pancreas was enlarged and while he was waiting to get admitted, he died of a heart attack. Garver told Howard how great the guy was and how much he liked the show. Howard spent a few minutes talking to him about the board op. That eventually led to Howard talking about Garver's ex-wife and the chicks that he's dating these days. He said he's been playing the field lately and has gotten some chicks. Howard also brought up how Garver and his brother had a fight while they were out in Las Vegas a couple of months ago. Gary (Baba Booey) came in and said that Garver's brother was demanding stuff after telling people that he was the brother of the producer of the E! show and stuff like that. Garver ended up confronting his brother and popped him in the face one time. Doug Goodstein from E! came in and said that Garver's brother was telling him that he was the producer of the E! show. Doug is actually the producer so he thought that was interesting.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Garver about the board op trying to figure out what his last name was. Garver said it was Parrot so Howard wondered if it was spelled with an A or an E or what. They eventually figured it out and Howard said some nice words about the guy. He said that the job is a really thankless job but he appreciates what all of them do at each of his affiliate stations.
Howard ended up talking about the equal time thing again with some callers. One guy told Howard to just go ahead and have them all on and just goof on them the whole time. Howard said that might be fun for the first 10 candidates but after that it would get boring.
A phone caller asked Howard what the big news was that Cabbie was going to announce yesterday during the Cane and Cabbie show. Howard said it was an announcement that Metallica was going to play a small, 500 seat, concert for their listeners. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard said his nose was whistling so there must be a piece of snot lodged up there. He said he'd have to go to the bathroom to fix it but left it alone for the time being. He breathed into the microphone so everyone could hear the whistle and the loose snot in there.
Howard said they have a DJ on their station who calls himself Maze. He said that one time Maze introduced the band Evanescence and introduced the lead singer at a concert. When he introduced her, he said he had ''dropped a few'' loads to her image. Meanwhile, Howard said that she's not that hot looking. He talked about how much makeup and crap she wears and stuff like that. Then the woman did an interview with a magazine and she talked about how he said he wanted to shoot some loads on her face. Howard had tape of Maze on stage doing the intro and he doesn't say that he wanted to do anything to her face, he just said she was hot enough to drop a few loads at home. After the intro she got on stage and said being hot isn't the point of the music. Howard said he really wants to like that band but she's just a jerk. He said he bought their album and it was pretty good. Howard also pointed out that if the music isn't about being hot then why is she covering up her face with tons of makeup.
Howard said he's never met this guy Maze before. He said by the time he does meet these guys, they get fired. That led to Howard talking about the station changes that have happened since he started at WXRK back in 1985. They've gone through format changes and a lot of DJs over the past 18 years or so. Howard said everyone who's there now will be gone eventually. Howard said he gets attached to these guys but they all get fired eventually. Howard said Julie Slater has managed to stick around for a while there at the station. Stuttering John has also managed to keep his ''Out to Lunch'' show for a long time as well. Gary came in and said he and John were talking about that the other day and John thinks he may be on the chopping block. Howard thinks that John is just paranoid though. Gary asked Howard if he's noticed a different sound to the station since the new Program Director took over. Howard said he can't pick up the station even though he lives right there in Manhattan. He said he has to call his audio guys to come in and fix that. He said the only station he can pick up is a religious station. He said every morning he has to listen to that crap and if he tries to change the station, it just ends up back on that one.
A few months ago someone from some DNA company came in to do some DNA tests on the crew. They found out just one funny thing with the tests though. Will came in and told Howard that it was this DNA Print Geonomics or something like that who came in and did the tests. They were wondering if Gary was part black but almost everyone ended up taking the test. Howard said he knows what the funny thing is and he keeps looking at this person thinking that they could make a lot of money off of this odd thing. Howard wouldn't say who it was or what it was about this person that was so interesting. He said they think of this person being very well defined but this test shows that they're not exactly what they think.
KC told Howard about his night of diarrhea and how horrible it was after eating that bad steak. He said his stomach was in knots and he had to sit on the toilet even though he thought everything had come out of there. He said he ended up crapping his bed again during this so he spent most of the day disinfecting his apartment. He said it got to a point where he didn't even know he was having problems. After that Howard had to take a break.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he may really be entitled to a lot of money. There are people who didn't even know they were Indian who are getting $700,000 a year from those casinos. A woman called in and said that Artie has to do some research to find out exactly what Indian line he's related to before he can get some money. Guys started calling in and goofing on him as soon as they heard the news. One guy asked if Artie's Indian name is ''Can't WinABet.'' This also means that Artie's sister is also 25 percent Indian.
Will went on to tell the guys the results of their tests. They found that Robin was only 84 percent African. Fred was 95 percent European and 5 percent American Indian. Gary is 4 percent East Asian and KC is 100 percent European. Gary didn't get the East Asian thing though. He has no idea where that came from.
Jill Kelly (Get her videos here!) came in a short time later and thanked them for not making her sit near the doody. Howard said she was showing off her big boobs and her long legs in her mini-skirt. Howard also asked her how many porn movies she's done in her career. She said about 500 over the past 8 years. Howard ended up back on Jeff the Drunk and asked him when he got laid last. He said it was about three months ago. Gary said that he just told Will that he hadn't had sex in about a year. He admitted he was lying about the three months. Jill said she had sex just three days ago. Howard said that Jill is going to be getting married again for the third time. She ended up talking about her first husband who killed himself and about her second marriage that didn't work out as well. She said she has dated people outside the porn business but things just don't work out with them. The guy she's going to marry is a porn director.
Howard asked Jill what the strangest thing she's ever done on film was. She said she once did a movie where she had sex with 29 girls. She went on to talk about some of the stuff that goes on in the porn industry and how sometimes guys can't get it up on film. She said guys can sometimes last in the business for 20 years while girls last maybe 5 or so.
Jill said she almost died back in February of this year when someone slipped some GHB into her drink. She said she was so out of it that she could barely walk. Her friends brought her home and she ended up punching a window which broke and sliced open her artery. She said they thought she was going to die so they let her talk to her parents before they fixed her up. Jill said she lucked out and didn't die after that. She said she's almost died a bunch of times in her life and has managed to get through all of them.
Jill brought up Jenna Jameson (Get her videos here) and said she has had sex with her before and she's a great girl. She said she's one of her best friends as well. Howard asked Jill if she's ever been offered money to have sex with guys and taken them up on it. She said she has never done that and wouldn't. She has been offered $20,000 but turned it down. She said the most she ever made for doing a scene in a movie was $5,000. Jill went on to say that there are a lot of women out there who want to be in porn but they don't realize that they have to put in a lot of hard work to make it in the business.
Howard asked Jill if she has dated a lot of celebrities. She said she doesn't talk about that stuff but said that she has been with some famous athletes. She wasn't naming names though. Howard wondered what would be worse, finding out your daughter is in porn or your son is Jeff the Drunk. Robin said it would be finding out he's Jeff the Drunk. Jeff was telling Robin not to even think about comparing him to Osama bin Laden when Howard brought that up.
Howard took some phone calls and one woman said she becomes physically ill when Howard talks about Jeff's dirty shorts. Howard said that Jeff is going to be at a Dunk-the-Drunk booth up at The Big House in Albany this weekend. Jeff said he's getting paid $300 to do that. Howard spent a minute talking about that. Howard also gave Jill a plug. She's looking for the next Peekaboo girl (PeekabooGirls.com) so they talked about that for a short time.
Howard asked Jill what she does when she's with a girl who stinks down below. She said she will tell the girl in a nice way that she needs to clean up down there. Jill said she has a super strong sense of smell so she'll never stink herself. She cleans herself up and douches even though it's the worst thing a girl can do in that business.
A guy called in and said he and his girlfriend took Jill home a couple of months ago. The guy, David, said they all went back to his place and had some fun after she did her show at this strip club. Jill said the two chicks he was with were really hot. David said that they all got naked in his hot tub and spent a lot of time in there. He said he didn't get to bang Jill but did get his girlfriend's friend. Howard asked David about how that all worked out. David said his girlfriend got to do Jill while he did his girlfriend's friend. He said that it was the first time his girlfriend was with another woman and she liked it. Jill said she hasn't spoken to this woman since then.
Howard gave Jill a plug for a signing appearance she's doing tonight from 4-8pm at Nightcap video on Staten Island and her web site JillKellyProductions.com. He started to wrap things up but Jill brought in this new girl she has working for her. Jenna Haze (Get her videos here) came in and talked to Howard for a short time. She's very young looking according to Howard. She said she loves anal. Howard said she looks kind of small for that stuff. She said she's only 5'2'' tall and weighs about 87 pounds. She's all natural as well. She has no tattoos or piercings and doesn't have implants. Jill said that's the way she's staying. Howard asked her how she got in the business and when she lost her virginity and stuff like that as well. She said she lost her virginity at the age of 14. They also asked her about her family life. Jeff the Drunk was getting very belligerent and was yelling at her. He called her a ''Dumb Bitch'' and stuff like that. He was angry at her and she hadn't even said anything to him. He was just predicting that she was going to hate him. Howard had to wrap things up after giving everyone a couple more plugs. Jill's web sites were PeekabooGirls.com and JillKellyProductions.com. Jeff will be at that dunk tank up at The Big House in Albany this Saturday.
Howard said they were already making news this morning after announcing that they're not having Arnold Schwarzenegger on the show today. He played a clip of some news reporter talking about how they had to cancel his appearance. A listener called in a short time later and told Howard to get some balls and just do the interview with Arnold. Howard said it's not up to him and that if he interviews him, he might have to interview 130 other candidates on the show. Howard told the guy that he should be yelling at the government for having the equal time laws, not at him.
Howard played a the latest roast from Reverend Bob Levy (revboblevy.net). He nailed Cabbie this time after he was on the show complaining about his family. Levy went off on Cabbie about his complaints about his family. He goofed on his gay sex revelations and weight loss. He said the 100 pounds he lost was mostly semen dripping out of his ass. There were a bunch of other jokes about him being in the Army and doing gay stuff. He told Cabbie that in the Army, a Hummer is also a vehicle. He also said that if Cabbie had any more soldiers inside him, Bob Hope would have had to have done a show in there. Howard said there was no word from Yucko after Bob roasted him yesterday.
Howard had a bunch of audio clips to play. He had some news clips and a new Onion Radio News clip. The phony news clip was about how a stripper was failing at the school she was stripping to pay for. He had a news article where they say that Howard is 54 years old even though he's only 49. Robin said he was born in 1954 so that's where they got the 54 from. Howard said he thinks they did it on purpose for some reason.
Howard had Robin start her news after playing the clips and stuff. He actually started it off himself talking about OJ Simpson and how he's come out saying that both Scott Peterson and Robert Blake are being convicted by the media just like he was. He and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about how wacky OJ is. Howard also said a lot of people e-mailed them about Cabbie and how they don't want him on the show. He read through a bunch of other e-mail about last night's E! show which was the Intern Beauty Pageant. One guy said he pleasured himself to all of the girls in the pageant. After going through that he had Robin get to her news.
Gary said it's best that John lost his job because after the show he's not sure what to do, record his show or stick around the office to do some stuff. Now he'll be able to work more in the office. A bunch of phone callers seemed to be happy that John has been fired from that job. Stuttering John said he can't wait for Chuck to be fired himself. John later said that he didn't want to be fired on the air. He said that Chuck shouldn't have done it on the air. Robin and Howard said that John asked to be told the news on the air though. Chuck said there is a silver lining to this whole thing but he didn't want to talk about it on the air. John defended his show saying that he was told to do it the way he was doing it. He also says that he was told he'd never be fired from that job again. John said their last program director, Steve Kingston, told him that he wasn't going to fire him again. That's why John said that he accepted that job to begin with. He had been fired from a DJ gig one time before and didn't want to do ''Out to Lunch'' if he was going to be fired again. He doesn't have a written contract though so he's screwed. John also complained about how they play the same songs over and over again at the station. Howard told him they do that because it gets ratings. John said he'd like to do a show where he takes live phone calls and stuff like that but Howard told him that Chuck isn't looking for that. John also said this is half of his salary that's being taken away from him.
John said he thinks that Julie Slater is the next one to go. Chuck told the guys that no one is safe there at the station. He said they have to improve the station after Howard's show and no one is safe. The longer this went on the more pissed off John got. He cursed at Chuck after he called him a little bitch or something like that. The delay was hit so we didn't hear the whole thing. John apologized for cursing and told KC he wasn't going to do anything to Chuck if that's the reason he was in the studio. Stuttering John got a phone call from his wife while he was in the studio. He told his wife that he'd just been fired so she should cancel the table they had coming to the house today. DJ Julie Slater came in a short time later and asked why he was bringing her into the whole thing. John said that he was just saying that he thought she'd be fired next. John said he thinks that all of the DJs at the station are going to be fired. John was still pissed that he was losing half his salary. Vinnie Favale called in and said he wanted to know how much John was being paid for that show. Artie guessed that it's $3000 a week. John said it's not just the money though. He's going to lose benefits because if he doesn't have an air shift, he doesn't get those benefits. Gary told him that he should be able to keep that for 18 months. By this time it was 11:05 and they were still discussing all of this stuff. Artie wanted to know what the silver lining was to John's firing. Chuck said he didn't want to talk about that on the air and he didn't even want to do the firing on the air either. Once again, John said he didn't think chuck should have done this on the air... even though he told him to go ahead and do it. Howard guessed that Chuck was going to help him out in some way. Chuck said he had to do it on the air because John would have been tortured for a few minutes and would have hated him after they get back from their vacation.
Some other news about John. His wife is pregnant with their third child. Another thing to make Chuck Roast feel bad about the firing. Howard told him there's still time to get an abortion. A lot of sigh's came from the studio when he said that. Howard kept calling this guy Chuck Roast even though his real name is Rob. He used to call himself Chuck Roast but when he came to the station he started going by his real name. Howard asked him if he'd do this again the next time he has to fire someone. Chuck said he doesn't want to have to do that again though. Howard also threw in a joke about John's show wondering if they're going to call it ''Out of Work'' instead of ''Out to Lunch.'' Artie pointed out what a crazy show it was today. He found out he's 25 percent American Indian and John got fired. Howard spent a short time talking to Julie about her past jobs and if she's been fired. She said she worked at Q104 for a while but she was one of the lucky ones who didn't get fired. Howard told John to wait and find out what the silver lining is that Chuck was talking about.
Howard had to wrap up the show but he wanted John to read some of his ''Out to Lunch'' e-mail requests. Howard gave him the e-mail but John said it was too tough and didn't want to do it.
Howard also brought up Dee Snider who contacted him to straighten out something that was written in an article about his brother-in-law. He said they claimed that his wife came in and stripped on Howard's show. Howard said she never stripped for them and she's got enough going on in her life.
Howard told John that he hurts for John and he feels bad but it was a good thing it happened there on the air. He said no one is happy about it. Howard let John plug his appearances (Check StutteringJohn.com for more info) and gave out some other plugs before ending the show around 11:20.
Howard said Gary came in smoking a cigar first thing. He also had an amazingly low voice which also surprised Howard. He said since the Buddy Holly movie his voice seems to have undergone a drastic change. Gary said he can still get his voice up high and he proved it by singing a little Buddy Holly song for us. Howard didn't know that Gary sang all of the songs in the Buddy Holly movie either.
Howard questioned Gary about his religious beliefs and found out that Gary is now a ''Promise Keeper.'' According to Gary (Baba Booey) a promise keeper is like a white version of the Million Man March guys who have to teach other guys how to ''reconcile'' their lives. Busey tried to explain what he does to Howard but he got upset that Howard wasn't listening to him so he got up and walked over to Howard and stood next to him as he spoke to him. Howard said Gary was scaring him standing there and just wanted him to go back to the couch and sit down. After a short time Gary went back to his seat.
Howard continued the interview and asked Gary about whether or not he's getting laid these days. Gary said that he hasn't been with a woman for a while now and his womanizing days are over. When Howard asked him how long it's been since he got laid he pretended that he couldn't remember how long it had been. Howard tried to get him to give him an answer by offering him a prize but Gary said it was ''priceless information'' and wouldn't answer. Howard took a couple of phone calls and plugged the stuff Gary is appearing in as he wrapped up the interview. As Howard was ending the interview Busey ran over to Howard with his lit cigar and tried to burn his neck. Howard was screaming and Gary said ''I love Jewish screams...'' which was really bizarre.
During the following commercial break Gary did some odd stuff. Howard came back from break and described what happened. According to Howard Busey bear hugged Robin and lifted her off the ground a few times. Then he took her down and laid her on the floor and proceeded to dry hump her. The guys pulled him off of her and Gary then went after Howard. Howard wasn't going to be taken down so he ended up holding onto Gary's head in a head-lock. He wouldn't let go because he didn't know what the guy was going to do. Howard said Gary (Baba Booey) tried to pull Busey off of him but he couldn't because of the head-lock. They had video of the whole thing but there was no audio. Howard described it as they showed the tape. They all think the guy is a great guest but he'd nuts. Howard said his wrists got all cut up as Busey tried to escape his head-lock.
Ronnie the Security man came in and tried to defend himself but he just ended up getting really pissed off and he sounded more angry than any guest that's been in the studio recently. He said he's been told to stay out of the studio by KC. He said he thought Busey was just kidding around with Howard so he didn't feel it was necessary for him to do anything. From now on he's going to be in there though. Meanwhile, Fred just walked out of the studio and went to the bathroom during Gary's attack on Robin. He said he'd seen it happen so many times before that he didn't think anything of it at the time.