|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Dee Snider Visits. 08/10/1995. 5:20pm
Howard said that it's good that Jerry Garcia isn't around to see this. He said the only decent guy is Dee Snider, his best friend. Howard had Dee come in and asked what he thought of Sugar Ray. Dee said they were good and they have some other great songs. Howard played some of their song ''Mean Machine'' since Dee had mentioned it.
Howard asked Dee about Jerry Garcia dying and what he thinks of the Dead. Dee said that he doesn't get it. He's not a fan. He didn't want to bash the fans but he doesn't like their music. Howard said all of the DJs there were trying to get camera time when they had the press there. He said that all the fans of the Dead did was follow the band around so now what are they going to do? Howard figured they'd turn to a life of crime. Dee said their image is that they're hippies but they're really not. He said they're some angry people.
Howard said that Dee is going to sit in during the news. Howard said he's in a new movie too. Dee said that he has a script and a guy to finance it. He's going to star in the movie too. He said he's going to be the Boris Karloff of his generation. Howard said he's writing a movie too. They took a break after that.
After the edited out break Howard talked more about this movie that Dee is doing. Dee said they're doing the movie independently and they'll shop it around after they make it. Dee is going to be in it and he'll probably have his family in it too.
Dee told Howard that he and the band are going out and playing around the area. He said they're going to start going around the country too. Howard said he told Dee that he should put together a whole craft fair kind of thing since he has good taste in jewelry and stuff. Howard said Dee won't even tell him where he buys this stuff. He's afraid that he'll end up wearing it.
Howard said he doesn't have taste himself. He said Dee does have taste. Howard said he likes the way Dee looks. He said if he was a girl he'd like to date someone like Dee and bring him home to his parents to freak them out. Dee said that has happened.
Howard talked to Dee about his tattoos and told him about some cool ones he's seen lately. Howard said that he'd like to get some more. Howard liked some of the stuff Dee had. He check them out and asked about some of them. Dee is able to get them done quickly unlike Howard. Robin said that Howard has been talking about getting one for 5 years.
Howard said that he'd like to be put out while he's getting it done. Dee said that it's not so bad if you tell yourself that. Fred played a bunch of Billy West crying clips while they talked about that. Dee told Howard to try the tattoo gun without any ink in it to see if he can take the pain. Howard imagined what that would be like. He said he should take the E! crew with him when he gets it done. Howard said he might bring Amy Lynn with him to consult. Howard said he could pretend that it doesn't hurt while she's in the room and then break down. Fred played more of those Billy West crying clips.
Howard said he wants to do the tattoo thing. He asked Dee what he sees on his arm. Dee went with him when he got his ear pierced. Howard said he was there at the FOX show when he brought a piercer on the show. Howard's mother stood up and told him not to do it. He got it done a few months later.
Dee told Howard he sees him with a heart on his arm and maybe some flames. Howard said maybe a little flame. He said he saw a cool Japanese letter on one guy recently. He said that was kind of cool too. Dee asked when he wants to go. Howard said he doesn't know. Dee told him not to let people tell him what to get. He said he'll get too much consulting. Robin has a tattoo on her breast and Robin doesn't tell what it means. Howard said he heard it means ''King of Talk'' or something. Robin said that's not it. They went to another break after that.
Howard was making up stuff that they might see at a march like that. He had them making up a wrapping paper floats and things like that. He had a bunch of other things he was making up as he went along. They went to break a short time later.
Goofing On High Pitch Erik Plus Comedian Dave Attell Sits In. 12/19/02. 9:05am
Howard spoke to Dave Attell for a short time and then said he had a funny call to play. He reminded everyone about the prank calls High Pitch Erik has been making over the past couple of months. Sal the Stockbroker has been behind all of the calls and feeds Erik the lines he says to these people. Sal and Joey Boots decided to play a trick on Erik for this call. They had a guy who does a great Ozzy Osbourne impression play the part of Ozzy. Sal then had Erik call the guy who he thought was actually Ozzy and prank him. Erik made some comments about Sharon and Kelly Osbourne that pissed ''Ozzy'' off. ''Ozzy'' then freaks out and says he's going to find out who these guys are and will get back at them somehow. Sal then tells Erik that he's better apologize to Ozzy before he finds out who they are. Sal then starts the apology and tells ''Ozzy'' who they are and that they're from the Howard Stern Show. Ozzy then says he's going to call Howard and get them thrown off the show. Howard played tape of all of this and it was pretty damn funny. Erik then calls his buddy Joey Boots and tells him what happened. Joey told Erik that it's all his fault and goofs on him since he was part of the whole thing. Joey tells Erik he's sick of his lying and as a punishment he tells Erik that he's not going to a Chinese Buffet with him. He ends up hanging up on Erik. Then Sal has Erik call the show and he leaves a message with someone there for KC. He says that someone is going out impersonating him and that person made a call to Ozzy and pissed him off. Sal makes Erik lie about the whole thing. After that Sal calls ''Ozzy'' back while Erik is on the line and tries to convince him that he's Howard and he took care of the problem. The phony Ozzy tells Sal he doesn't believe he's Howard and tells the ''assholes'' to have a good day as he hangs up on him.
Doug Goodstein from E! came in and said he got an e-mail from Joey Boots who said Erik had no idea this was a trick. Howard said if he'd known that he wouldn't have talked about it until he spoke to Erik. He could have continued the goof. He had the guys try to get Erik on the line just in case he hadn't heard the show this morning. Dave was impressed with the guy's Ozzy impression and wondered who he was. Howard said that he's a guy they're going to have on the show every day now because the impression was so good.
Sal the Stockbroker called in and said Erik is really nervous about the whole thing and he's afraid he's going to lose his spot on the show. Howard cut him off and put him on hold so he could get to High Pitch Erik. He had Erik on the line and he seemed to be clueless about the whole thing but after a short time he admitted he'd heard the show and knew it was a goof. Erik still didn't seem to get the whole thing and what had happened to him so Howard told him he wasn't banned from the show. Erik said he was in tears over the whole thing because Howard told him he was banned from the show when he picked up. Erik didn't realize that Howard was kidding for some reason. Erik thought it was really Ozzy he spoke to so he got upset. Howard tried to tell him that he was goofed on and he wasn't banned from the show. It was too complicated to explain to him. Artie said he thinks that Erik heard the whole show and still didn't get it. Howard put Sal back on the line and let him say a few thanks. He mentioned the guy who did the Ozzy impression but his cell phone was kind of garbled. I think it was something like Billy Mira. Sal asked if there were any prizes he could win for doing such a great scam. At first Howard said there weren't any prizes for him but then Howard told him he did have some type of jewelry for him. Sal said that you can get a High Pitch Erik phony phone call CD at HorseToothJackass.com. Howard had Robin do her news after that fun stuff. Dave stuck around to throw in some funny comments during the news.
In the clip Howard introduced Chief Daryl Gates from the Los Angeles Police Department. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Gates about how tan he is and how he's the tannest cop he's ever seen. Howard talked to Gates about what went on with Rodney King and the cops out there. Gates talked about how Rodney King is going to end up with more money than he has with his pension. He just doesn't think that's right. Howard told Gates he doesn't think anything wrong was done by the cops. Gates said there were two other individuals in the car with King and they were taken into custody with no problems at all.
Howard said he's kind of bummed that they became number 1 in Los Angeles and the first guest they have when they come out there is a cop. He said he didn't expect that.
Howard asked Gates if he would like to meet Eazy E from NWA since he was their next guest and he wrote the song ''F-the Police.'' Gates was willing to stick around. After an edited out break Howard came back and had Eazy E come in to talk to Gates. Howard talked to Eazy about his music and the group. They were still getting along according to Eazy even though everyone was off doing solo projects. Chief Gates wasn't saying much while Howard was throwing around the N-word with Eazy.
Howard asked Eazy about ''F-the Police'' and why he would write a song like that. Eazy said it was about police brutality so they put it on record and talked about something that other people wouldn't talk about.
Gates told Eazy that he wouldn't even be able to go to school if it wasn't for the police. Eazy said they were singing about the few bad cops that are out there. He said the song wasn't about all of the police.
Howard had some fun with Eazy and Gates goofing around with the whole NWA thing. Howard told Eazy why they were there in L.A. to celebrate them beating Mark and Brian in the ratings.
Howard asked Eazy if the guys in the group hate women because they sing about ''bitches.'' Eazy said they like women and they don't hate women. They're just singing about some women who are bitches.
Howard talked to Eazy about his kids. He has 5 of them. Howard asked if he takes care of them. He said that he does but he doesn't pay child support. Howard asked if he has any white women that he has gotten pregnant. Eazy said he's had Jewish and Black. Howard asked how he could write a song ''F-the Police'' when he's out there f'ing everyone. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Eazy and jokingly called him some names. He wrapped up with Eazy and Chief Gates a short time later.
The Gossip Game With Guest Mary McCormack. 10/26/01. 8:05am
Mary McCormack, the actress who played Howard's wife in ''Private Parts,'' came in to play the Mike Walker Gossip Game this morning. She's appearing in the new movie ''K-Pax'' which opens today. Howard spoke to her about what's going on in her life these days. He said the blouse she was wearing this morning was really showing off her ample breasts. He spent a little time on that subject and then moved on to talk about the movie. Mary told Howard and Robin about working with Jeff Bridges and Kevin Spacey who star in the movie. Howard seems to think the two of them are kind of strange so they discussed that a little bit. Howard also brought up how he got to make out with Mary in his movie. Mary said that he's a very good kisser and she tells people that when they ask her who her favorite on-screen kiss was.
Howard, Robin and Artie Lange started goofing on Mary's boyfriend a bit and she almost walked out of the studio at one point. She was just joking around but she really did seem to be getting fed up with the constant goofing. Howard saw that she was getting upset so he moved on to Mike Walker.
Mike Walker from the National Enquirer called in and spent a couple of minutes talking about how great Mary is as an actor. After that Howard got to the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard took a bunch of phone calls for Mary and spent some more time with her. He said he was afraid to ask her anything else today because she was so sensitive about her boyfriend. She said she really wasn't though.
Charcoal Panty Inventors Come In. 10/26/01. 8:50am
Buck and Arlene, the two people who invented these charcoal lined underpants, came in to tell Howard how they got into this. Arlene said that she has had Crohn's Disease since she was 25 and she had a major farting problem. She's a psychotherapist and she once farted during a session. The woman she was treating smelled the fart and said it smelled like a sewer in the office. She and her husband then went on a mission to try to find something to help. That's when they came up with the charcoal lined underwear. The charcoal absorbs the smell of the farts so no one can smell your stink. Howard and Artie ended up doing a little bit of goofing about the farting during the psychotherapy session. Everyone was laughing hysterically during that part of the interview. Howard spent a couple of minutes asking questions about the panties and found out that they're $24.95 for a pair and the filters are washable. You can order your pair by calling 1-888-433-5913 or visiting Under-Tec.com
Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 6-7am
Gary the Retard's birthday is tomorrow so Howard held a big birthday bash for him with celebrities and celebrity impersonators. Howard started off the birthday show around 6:15. The studio was decorated like a Chuck-E-Cheese kids restaurant with balloons all over the place. Howard said it looks like a ''cross between Caligula and Chuck-E-Cheese.'' Yesterday Gary the 'tard got to go to Scores and they captured some of that on tape. Howard played a little bit of it and it sounded like Gary was having a hell of a time there. He had lap dances and even got spanked with his own belt. Howard then brought in the first guest, Jackie Chan (Fred the Elephant Boy). Fred was all made up to look like Jackie but he held his script up in front of him so it didn't work to well. He called Gary ''Numb'a one retard'' and wished him a happy birthday. Next up was Mohammed Ali (Joe Cancer). Mohammed grunted and groaned a little bit and did his short bit for the show. After that it was a phony Jay Leno on the phone. Not much of a script there. Each person only had about 30 seconds to wish Gary a happy birthday. A couple of guys from the Connecticut School of Broadcasting came in and presented Gary with a honorary degree from the school. Next up was Jill from Perfect 10 Magazine who gave Gary some magic beans as a gift. She said they'll do anything he wants them to. President Clinton and Vice President Gore were up next. I don't know who played those two but their scripts were short. Then Anti-Semitic Mickey Mouse (High Pitched Eric) came in to wish Gary a happy. Howard then moved on to hypnotist Dr. King who hypnotized a couple of Perfect 10 girls for Gary. He had them thinking that they had sex with Gary the night before. Dr. King sounded like he was half asleep and like he didn't have a clue what was going on. The girls were to think they were orgasming when Gary would rub his ear but they must have been totally disgusted by him because they didn't play along very well.
Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 7-8am
Starting off the second hour of Gary's birthday bash was a mystery phone call. It turned out to be Amanda the retard who went out on a date with Gary a few months back. Gary actually knew who it was when he heard her voice. Amanda has been winning medals in the Special Olympics although she didn't know which events she won them in. Howard said he was taking another mystery phone call but it turned out to be Amanda again. He wanted to make it seem like Gary had dated more than one woman.. Up next was Jackie's wife Nancy and her band ''Scold-eese'' or whatever the hell they call themselves. They performed a birthday song for Gary and plugged an appearance they're making at Crossroads in Hicksville, NY this Saturday night. The next guest was Ted Turner (aka Wood Yi). He had a few lines to read then Howard moved on to Frank Gifford and his son Cody (Slow Adam). I don't know who played Frank but it was pretty funny. He was yelling about how he wants his kid to play sports, not dress up and sing like Kathie Lee wants him to. ''Cody'' sang some of the Star Spangled Banner before the next guest came in. That guest was Norm Zaeda from Perfect 10 Magazine. He spent a few minutes talking to Howard about how he started his magazine then one of the Perfect 10 girls gave Gary a birthday gift. It was a toy police car that made noises. She demonstrated it for Gary and he seemed to enjoy it. Up next were some people from hotjobs.com who presented Gary with a dinner for 4 at Lucky Chans which also included a limo ride. After that John Travolta (Vin the Retard) came in to do a 30 second bit that turned out to be a mess. Then Senator Ted Kennedy (Hank the Angry Dwarf) came in and did his thing for Gary. After Hank came the real Daniel Baldwin who wished Gary a happy b'day. He said that the movie industry was giving everyone in the business 1 minute off today in recognition of Gary's birthday.
Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 8-9am
During this hour we had The Pope (Big Foot) call in to mumble some stuff to Gary. You could barely understand a word he said so we'll move on to the Dahli Lama (Fred the Elephant Boy). The Dahli Lama had some advice for Gary on his birthday like ''Take a long walk every day and never work for Tom Chiusano.'' Howard had to interpret all of the Dahli's stuff since he's so hard to understand.
Up next was Mike Walker who called in to play the gossip game with Gary. Mike calls in each week with 4 gossip stories. 3 of them are from his National Enquirer gossip column and one is false. Here are this week's four stories:
Producer Gary Marshall called in to plug his new movie ''The Other Sister'' which, ironically, is about retards! The movie stars Juliet Lewis as a retarded girl and opens today I believe. Gary spent a few minutes talking to Howard about the movie. He said there's no nudity but the subject of sex does come up between the two retards in the movie. Next up was magician Penn Gillete from Penn & Teller. Penn & Teller have their own show on FX each Friday night called ''Penn & Teller's Sin City Spectacular.'' Penn hasn't been on the show in about 8 years and it's probably because of something he did to Gary, not the retard, Baba Booey. Gary told a story of how Penn tickled him until he almost pissed his pants because Gary had played an answering machine message on the air that Penn had left for him. At the time Penn was trying to get a date with Robin and asked for her phone number on the machine. The two of them hugged and made up today. Penn said he didn't remember doing anything like that but took Gary's word for it. After that was out of the way Penn tried to do a card trick with Gary the Retard. It wasn't anything special and Penn was half talking to Howard and doing the trick at the same time. Howard took a break after that intense segment and Blondie came in to perform a song for Gary the 'tard. Blondie has reunited and they have a new album ''No Exit'' out. Howard tried talking to Debra Harry from the band but she wasn't in the mood to talk. Howard brought in a bunch of Scores girls and the Perfect 10 magazine girls to dance during Blondie's performance of their old song ''Rapture.'' Lonnie from Scores also presented the key to Scores to Gary so he can come and party anytime. Blondie will be doing an autograph signing at Strawberry's up in Cambridge, Massachusetts tonight at 6pm.
Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 9-10am
The final hour of Gary the Retard's birthday show was jam packed full of guests. A couple of women from Jenny May hair removal came in and gave Gary a free hair removal gift certificate. Captain Janks called in with a special phony phone call he made to C-Span where he wished Gary a happy birthday. Debbie the Queef girl came in and queefed along to the ''Happy Birthday'' song. Everyone sang a line of ''Happy Birthday'' then she'd queef for a few seconds. She wasn't wearing any underwear when she did it so it must have been a hell of a view with her lying on her back. Larry Flynt (Crackhead Bob) made a quick appearance before Anastasia the prostitute came in to give Gary a rub down. Gary didn't want any lotion on his back so Anastasia did it dry. Howard found out that Anastasia sleeps with about 10 guys a day, 5 days a week. She charges around $500 per session and that can go up to $18-20,000 for a weekend in Las Vegas. Expensive screw huh? She said she makes it all worth it though. She started screwing guys for money when she was 19 and she's now 25. She's hoping her musical career takes off soon so she won't have to keep doing guys for money. The next guest to call in was comedian Howie Mandel (the real one). Howie wished Gary a happy birthday and promoted his syndicated TV show. Howie said that until a few moments before getting on the air he thought it was Gary the producer's birthday, not Gary the Retard. He thought they were one in the same. He told Howard about how last week while taping his show in Hawaii, his guest Charro ended up flashing a bit of her vagina on camera. He said she wasn't wearing any underwear and a gust of wind blew her skirt up. Some kids sitting in the front row caught a glimpse of her vagina. Howie said he missed it but was shown tape of it afterward. After Howie's call Howard brought in Kenneth Keith Kallenbach. Kenneth Keith has a new hair cut and a new head shot.. which he shoved in his mouth and started to eat. Kenneth Keith said he may be on www.play-live.com tonight at 5pm having live sex but he's not sure about that. He said he may just do a chat session. They went to break after that.
Fun Stories About Ash Wednesday. 02/14/05. 7:40am
Gary's wife pointed out that the station is now taking ads for porn star auditions. She used to think it was safe to leave the radio on during commercials so the kids could listen, but now she can't even do that. Howard played the commercial she was talking about. In the commercial Adam and Eve Productions says they're looking for the next big adult film star. Howard said that there were days when Tom Chiusano wouldn't even take commercials for lingerie shops. Now he's taking them for porn star auditions.
Howard talked about last week's Ash Wednesday and how people were walking around the streets with big ash smudges on their foreheads. Artie said his bookie used to get that ash smudge on his forehead so he thought that was pretty funny. That led to Artie talking about his bookie and how a friend of his found out a way to rip the guy off. The guy would bet on games that had already happened and he'd win every time. The bookie eventually found out and sat the guys down and threatened their friend but the whole time they were getting yelled at, the guy had the big ash cross on his forehead. He was threatening to kill their friend's family but he had the huge ash on his head. Artie was hysterically laughing as he was telling the story. That got Howard laughing so hard he couldn't even talk. He said it was the funniest story he'd ever heard. He was crying because he was laughing so hard. He said he almost feels that those are the dumbest people on earth because they were so scared as kids that they still get the ashes on their head. He said that if his agent showed up one day with ashes on his head, he'd fire him.
Gary came in and told a story from when he was a kid. He was in catholic school and a kid behind him had stuck him in the ass with a pin while they were supposed to be quiet. Gary ended up getting smacked around by a Sister because of the yell. He said he was crying his eyes out and had red marks on him because of that. Howard wondered how anyone can just smack a kid around like that. It's almost like they have no love in them. Richie from E! came in and said he was in catholic school and the nuns there would punch them in the face. He said that one nun punched him and a friend in the crotch. He said they used to drag them down the hall by the sideburns as well. Gary said he had a friend who punched a nun back while she was beating the crap out of him. Howard said ''good for him!'' after hearing that quick story.
Howard had Bobo on the phone because he wanted to tell some horror stories from being in Catholic school. He said he used to get smacked on the wrist by his nun. The story went no where and Howard knew that he was a bad story teller. Howard said that he would probably beat him too.
In the clip Robin brought up this guy Larry Amarose that worked for Arsenio Hall who would hold auditions for this sketch called ''Butt Master'' where he would have guys come in to show their butts. Robin read about what the guy did to these guys when they'd come in and how he'd end up fondling them. Howard said they have a guy that wants to call in to talk about an experience he had with that guy.
Howard and the guys were goofing around talking about what the guy might have been doing to get guys to pull their pants down. Howard was doing an effeminate voice as he talked about that. Howard was coming up with ideas for sketches that they could do on Arsenio's show.
Gary came in and told Howard he had a guy on the phone who had an audition out there. The caller said he wasn't an actor but he did have an audition. It was the first audition he went out for out there. The guy said that he was told that he was going out to audition for flat butts, not small butts. Howard asked if he found it strange that they were looking for that. The guy said he did but he had to go out and do that audition because he had signed with an agency that made him go out for the audition.
The guy said that he went to the audition and he was told it was for a skit they were doing called Butt Master. He said they had a private room set up for this. He said that there were people all over the place in the building but not in that room. He said the producer told him that they had shot one earlier in the day. Then his pay phone cut off for a second so he told them that they might have to call back.
Howard had Gary call the guy back. Gary got the guy back and Howard continued his conversation. The caller went on with his story and told Howard what the guy was telling the 15 guys who showed up for the audition. He said that they weren't happy with the segment they shot so they were looking to do another one. He was calling each guy up to his office one at a time. He said some of the guys looked like they were in shock when they came out of the room. The caller said he got up there and he sat across the table from the guy. He said he was told about what the skit was about. He said it was called Butt Master and they were going to progress through the butts.
The caller told Howard about how the guy asked him to pull his pants down and do all of that. He had him standing by a mirror so he could see everything. Howard said he'd like to write this guy Larry Amarose's book and figure out how he came up with all of this stuff.
The caller told Howard more about his experience and how he thinks there may have been two guys involved. He said he got a call from someone else about the initial audition. He also told Howard that they took measurements while he had his pants down. He said he had to be looking at his junk as he did it. He said the guy got all nervous and started to shake.
The caller said he got a call from someone a couple of weeks ago asking for a statement. He said they told him they were doing an internal investigation over there. He wasn't sure who he spoke to though. The caller said he didn't enjoy it. He said he's back in Philly now and he won't be going back to L.A. Howard spent a little more time talking to him before letting him go.
Howard and Robin talked about the sketch they were hearing about and what they think it was really going to be. Robin said it sounds like they were going to do a Thigh Master parody but with butts. Howard had Robin finish up her news after that.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:35am.
In the clip we heard Robin reading a story about Kurt Cobain's death and what they had in the news about that. Robin mentioned that over in Italy they were thinking it could be a suicide but they're not sure. Howard said he wanted to find out more so he told Gary to get someone from Italy on the phone. Howard said he's a big fan of Nirvana so he wanted to find out what was going on.
Howard talked about how this is going to make sales fly for Nirvana. He said their album wasn't doing that well and this was going to help with sales. Howard played some of their music as he waited for Gary to get someone on the phone. They also talked about the year the bass player from Nirvana threw his bass into the air and hit himself in the head on MTV.
Tom Chiusano came in to talk about what was going on too. Tom said his son had gone to see them do Unplugged and he had some autographed stuff from them. That led to the guys goofing on Tom about his monotone voice.
Gary came in and told Howard that he wasn't able to find a number for the place they were trying to call in Rome. Robin gave Gary another place to call instead. Howard goofed on Courtney Love's band too. He said that he doesn't know of anyone who has seen her band. He joked that he was in a band called ''slit'' too.
Howard played more of Nirvana's ''Teen Spirit'' and made up some new lyrics about Kurt being dead. He said the guy was great and it was a shame he's gone.
Howard said he's not sure why their new album wasn't selling all that well. He thought they had some really good songs on the album. He played some of that album. He said they have a song called ''Tourette's'' on the album. He wasn't sure if they had any obscenity on the song though. He figured he's play something else since they were running out of time. He played ''Rape Me'' instead.
Gary was still working on getting someone on the phone. Steve Grillo came in and gave him an update. Howard asked Grillo what's up with him because he looked shook up. Grillo said that the Kurt Cobain news had him shook up.
Gary said he had a guy on the line who can translate for them if they call this number. Howard spent a minute talking about other people who have died before you'd expect them to and about people who have lived longer than expected. Howard said he thinks that Scott the Engineer will go first out of the group. He was giving him about 5 or 6 years. Gary said he thinks that Scott is going to hang in there for a long time. He said those guys always live forever. Gary said he thinks that the happiest person on the show might go. Howard said it might be Jackie. He said he seems happy but then he thinks that under all of that he hates. He said he knows Fred isn't happy. He thinks that he's a little bitter. Robin said she thinks that he's the happiest of them all. Howard said he has no drive and he is happy as Corky on ''Live Goes On.'' Fred thanked him for calling him a retard. Howard said he was just saying he was happy.
Howard and Jackie spent a short time talking about the weird stuff Jackie does. They went back and forth with that for a few minutes.
Howard wondered if he cares enough about Kurt Cobain to call Italy. He said that he is a big fan of Kurt's. He said that he's going to try and get confirmation of it. Howard said he's going to bet that the guy is dead.
Stuttering John came in all upset about Kurt. Howard said that he should be happy because his band just went up a notch with Nirvana being gone.
Howard made the call and said the ring sounds funny over there. Fred said that was Kurt's heart monitor. Howard said you can't even get a letter mailed over in that country. Howard was waiting for someone to pick up but the phone just kept ringing. Howard let it ring. He eventually gave up. Stuttering John said he heard that CNN had just reported that he did die. He didn't have a confirmation on that though. Howard asked why it had to be Kurt and not John.
Howard called the other number and got someone on immediately. He had the translator on the line telling the guy who he was and why he was calling. He claimed to be Kurt's brother and he was trying to find out his condition. The guy on the line didn't seem to have a clue. Howard tried talking to the guy too but it wasn't working out very well. The guy gave out another number for the hospital. Howard told the translator that there was a pizza in it for him. The guy thanked him for that. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard put the translator on hold so they could get the other number from him. Howard said he was going to get to the bottom of this but by the time they do everyone will know already.
After an edited out break Howard had the translator on the line again so they could call Rome again to find out what's going on. Robin said she had some updates and told Howard that he's apparently in a coma. Howard had Gary call this other number.
Howard got a woman on the line so the translator took over and told her that they were on the radio. He asked about Kurt Cobain and the woman rattled off something. Howard told him to tell her that there's a pizza in it for her. The woman said that he was no longer at that hospital. He had been transferred. She wasn't interested in the pizzas that Howard was offering her. She wasn't able to help them out.
Howard asked if Kurt was able to leave on his own. She told the translator that he it looks like he had too many barbiturates. She didn't have a lot of other information. Howard asked if she thought Kurt was cute. She said he was very cute. The translator asked if there was anyone else famous in the hospital. She said there wasn't.
Howard asked if the woman had seen all of the Godfather movies. She said she had but she didn't care about the Mafia. Howard asked why the tower over there leans. She just laughed. Howard said he thinks he understood her answer. She hung up around that time. Howard thanked the translator and let him go after that.
Howard spent a minute talking about how bad the mail delivery is over in Italy. He has some relatives over there who have told him about that. He wrapped up after that.
In the first clip, from March 31, 1987, we heard Howard talking to Susan Berkley about comic books. Howard was talking about how good Superman had gotten lately. Howard was asking Susan some sexual stuff so he ended up going into his Bob character and then got Robin set up as Ray. They did their Bob and Ray bit talking to Susan about some other sexual stuff.
Bob and Ray were talking about writing a book together. It was going to be about sex of course. They were talking about some of the stuff that they'd write about in that book. They were talking about naming Susan's private parts too. Susan just started doing her traffic report. Howard said they could call her private parts baby maker or bee hive or belly dingle. Howard said he could keep going if she didn't like that one. He suggested Alter of Love or Alter of Hymen. Howard, or Bob, kept coming up with name after name for her private parts. Susan just kept going with her traffic. Howard suggested ''Hey nanny, nanny'' for her private parts. He kept repeating that one.
Gary came in with some names that the callers were giving them for the guys they're fighting over in Iraq. They talked about those for a minute and then Bob put some of those names into his poems.
Howard continued on with his poetry and came up with more and more poems. He wrapped up his Bob and Ray bit a short time later. They went to break after that.
Jamie The Virgin Tries To Get A Date With Erica The Intern. 6/17/03. 8:00am
Howard came back from break and plugged the E! show again. Robin also brought up Jamie the intern and asked Howard if they were going to talk to him about the crush he has on one of the girls they have working there. Robin said the girl knows that Jamie has a crush on her. Robin said the girl told her that Jamie asked her out to lunch. Howard said that was quite a move for him. Robin said the girl suggested that Jamie get a make over before that would happen. Jamie came in so Howard told him they were going to do a make over on him. He said he'd have Ralph do it for him. They also brought in the intern he has a crush on, Erica, and Howard told him she might be out of his league. Jamie said he hasn't had a lot of girlfriend's in his life. Howard told him he doesn't have a very good personality. Gary said he's really nervous as well. The girl he's interested in said that Jamie needs some kind of pick-me-up. She said he needs contacts or maybe some more stylish glasses. Doug from E! said they can hook him up because he really is a mess. Gary said he might need some work done on his teeth as well. Howard told him he does need to stop smiling so much. He said he might have his girlfriend make him over. There were a few other things that Erica pointed out about him. Howard said Jamie is a diamond in the rough and in ten years he'll probably have girls all over him. Howard said they had a guy just like that years ago by the name of Adam. They helped him out and he was able to get all kinds of girls. Howard heard that Jamie was invited to Stuttering John's party and he didn't want to go because no one would talk to him. Jamie said that it was Ronnie who said something like ''What is he going to do, stand by a tree?'' when he heard he was invited. Jamie said he worked up the nerve to ask this girl out when he was leaving yesterday. They also found out he likes to high five girls as a greeting.
Howard told Jamie that his name is too girl like so maybe he should be a James instead. Jamie said that Jamie is his real name but his father almost named him Jack which would have made him Jack Daniel.
Howard was trying to get Jamie to get some confidence and when he heard that Erica was interested in going to Scores, he told Jamie to take her there. Jamie said he might be interested in doing that but Howard told him to just go for it.
Howard took some phone calls for Jamie. One guy said that all ''she'' needs is some balls. Howard told him to stop smiling as well. Erica was also stuck on the fact that Jamie doesn't drink and hasn't even had a drink. Howard told Jamie that he actually works there at the station so interns should want to bang him. Adam told him to stop smiling as well. Howard said he heard he drives a girls car as well. Jamie said he drives a 1997 purple Neon. Everyone got a laugh out of that. The two of them are going to do lunch but Howard said they may do the make over before the lunch. Howard told Jamie to wear his contacts tomorrow. Adam suggested an eye patch. Robin said that Scott Peterson, who may have killed his wife, is getting mail from women who are fans of his. This poor guy Jamie can't even get a date. Howard told him that he needs to hang out at burn centers and abortion clinics. He said he just has to be nice to the women coming from abortion clinics who are there alone. Doug from E! said they'd even take his purple Neon to get it painted. Jamie said it's wrecked so it's kind of pointless. Adam told him to just take a chain to it instead.
Howard asked Erica how Jamie popped the question. She said he usually comes in and just says that he'll see her the next day. This time he popped in and stalled for a minute. She said she knew it was coming and then he asked her to lunch. She said of course she'd go to lunch with him. She told Howard she thinks he's a nice guy and he deserves the make over. Howard told her she's going to regret it if she doesn't date him now. He said in ten years she'll regret it because he's a really nice guy who treats people nice. Howard started to call him James but Robin suggested just shortening it to J.D. Since those are his initials.
Howard said Lindsey the intern finds him a little creepy. She came in and told Howard that Jamie... J.D. kind of creeps her out a little bit. She said he once walked up to her and told her how he got a 120 on an IQ test. She said it might be the smile too. Lindsey is also a virgin but she's only 19 years old. Howard told her that she should be proud of that. She said she just hasn't found the right guy yet. She said she hasn't even given a guy oral sex yet. Howard told her that he feels oral is more intimate than regular sex though so that's not a big deal. Howard said maybe she's a lesbian. She said she doesn't think that's it. She said she thinks that she repels guys for some reason. Gary said she is a little bit chatty. Robin said both Lindsey and Jamie are looking for a relationship but not with each other. Lindsey said she's too picky for her own good.
The guys were wondering how far Jamie has gotten with a chick. Gary said he knew that he got under the bra with a girl but has never gotten below the waist. Howard said another one of the interns, Rachel, finds Lindsey kind of creepy. She came in and said that she thinks that if Lindsey is a virgin, she has no right coming in and talking about how creepy J.D. is because he's a virgin. Lindsey told her it wasn't the virgin thing that creeped her out and she thinks that J.D. is a nice guy.
Lindsey said she has had a guy use his hand on her but has never had sex. Howard asked her if she's had an orgasm from that. She said she did but Gary said she wasn't so sure. Gary also said that Lindsey's parents are big fans of the show and her father told her that if Howard ever asks her to take her top off, that she should hold out for a high price. Howard thought that was kind of creepy though.
Gary said that Lindsey has some weird ideas about sex and heard her talking to someone about how if a girl takes off her pants, guys think that something is going to happen. Howard said guys are like that and when a girl takes off her clothes, it's going to be tough to just not do anything. He said girls have no idea what it's like to have a penis. Girls can just turn it off and go to sleep, guys will lay there all night waiting for something to happen. It turns out Lindsey will use her hand on a guy and get him off though. Howard wanted to give her some pointers on doing that but didn't want he father to get upset with him. He said some women are pretty rough but there are some girls will lick their hands at least.
In the clip Howard was talking about a picture he saw of Kathie Lee Gifford in a bikini. He said she really shouldn't be in a bikini. He read the article about her and how she was out on a Carnival cruise with her husband Frank Gifford. Howard said Bruce Jenner was on the cruise too. Howard said Bruce is really frightening. Howard said he made his nose way too small. He said the Crypt Keeper has a better nose. Robin said she thought he was going for a sex change for the longest time because of that nose.
Howard said that Jackie and Fred's wives have better bodies than Kathie Lee does. Howard said he loves the way she looks on TV though. Robin said she has that real thin face but it doesn't go all the way down her body.
Howard read more of the article where they talked about the cruise and what Kathie Lee and Frank were up to. Howard said she was hugging her breasts in one picture. He thought that was kind of odd. She was doing that in front of a bunch of people. Howard read some more details and wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Howard introduced a few players for this Black Jeopardy game they were playing. Howard was ''Alex Treblack'' the host. He had some trouble with the equipment as they were getting set up. The first guy was going to be known as Tyrone Shoelaces. They were knocked off the air by something and Gary said they would be back up momentarily. Howard couldn't believe that they were knocked off the air.
Howard said hi to Cornell who was going to be known as Buck Wheaties. Howard talked to him for a minute and then heard that he was back on the air.
Howard asked how these guys were going to buzz in. They had to track all of that down for the guys. Howard gave the name Montel X to this guy who was calling himself Chill. Then he changed it to Malcolm Excrement. Howard said he had to write all of this down.
Howard moved on to the game a short time later. He told the guys the rules and had Fred read the prizes. Fred did that as Kingfish.
Howard asked the guys some questions about things like one of the Little Rascals, Colonel Sanders, how to spell dreadlock, Sammy Davis Jr., Roy Campanella and more.
Howard had some more contestants come in to play in the second round. Howard gave them some names and met one of the girls that came in with one of the guys. She offered to take off her clothes but then backed out so Howard kicked her out of the studio.
Howard got back to the game and had Fred read off the prizes. They were all made up, goofy items. Howard told the guys what their categories were and got into the game a short time later. Howard asked questions about spelling, various questions about what black people like and things like that.
Howard had to do a break and then got back to the game. They went over the scores and everyone's names before getting back into it. Howard went on to ask questions from the categories that the contestants would pick. They went through a bunch of questions with spelling, history, black foods and more. They went through the game and ended the segment a short time later.
In the clip we heard Howard introducing Danny Glover but Gary came in and said that he was in the bathroom and he had been in there a while. Howard talked about some of the stuff that Danny had been in and went through that history with him.
Danny showed up a short time later. Howard talked to Danny about his trip into the city and things like that. Danny told Howard that he was in his hotel freezing because the air conditioning was too cold. He said he didn't want to bother with people so he didn't call them to fix it for him. Howard said he hates traveling and the cold rooms. He said Danny seemed upset. Danny said he was alright.
Howard said Danny has a black wife. He applauded him for that. He said he's one of the few people in Hollywood who does. Howard said that Jean Claude Van Damme has a white wife. Howard said he was just in there the other day talking about that.
Howard talked to Danny about the movies he's been in and went over a bunch of those. Howard talked about being in The Color Purple with Whoopi Goldberg. Howard also talked about working with Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon movies and asked if he saw anything weird going on with him. Danny said there was nothing that he saw. Howard asked if he got to go to his house. Danny said he didn't. Howard said that's kind of weird. Danny said he has been to his house but you just go to his house and it's no big deal.
Howard said Danny was there to promote something. He was there to talk about illiteracy in the country and how they're trying to help. Howard said that Fred is one of those guys. Howard said he can read but he's not good at athletics. Howard asked Robin to spell some words. Robin was able to do it. Howard asked Danny how he's going to help with the illiteracy thing. Danny said he in Nashville where he saw an 80 year old man learning to read. He said that guy made it through life even though he couldn't read. Danny said he knows of a contractor who can't even read. He talked to Howard about that guy and said he really cares about this. Danny had minor dyslexia so he had trouble reading himself. He said he had to learn to get around it. He said they thought he was retarded when he was a kid, just like Howard.
Howard said there was one point when Danny was out boycotting grapes and Stuttering John went out and interviewed him. Howard had the audio of that interview where John asked him about the boycott. John asked Danny if he thinks Mike Tyson should be caged. Danny said no to that and told him that was an absurd question. John also asked him if he thinks the Pope is the antichrist. Danny said he was out there talking about boycotting grapes and not about this other stuff. Gary said that was John's first ever interview. Howard goofed on John's stutter for a minute. Fred also did his impression of John for a few seconds.
Howard asked Danny if he's making over a million doing movies. Danny wasn't saying. Howard said he must be getting paid very well.
Howard said Danny seems to be a very serious man. He said that he must be planning to run for office some day. Danny said he's not looking to do that. Howard said he is very serious though and he must have some fancy friends. He said Whoopi is one. He asked if he thinks he'll be invited to her wedding. Danny said he's not sure he'll be around.
Danny told Howard about this illiteracy hotline that people can call. He said that they're looking for teachers and for anyone who wants help. Howard said Robin might have time to help with that. Howard said he has no time himself though.
Howard asked Danny if he can't read, how is he supposed to call. Danny said they'll refer you to a local literacy program in your area.
Howard asked Danny what big stars he's had to his house. He mentioned Alfre Woodard and Howard said he had no idea who that was. Howard wanted some cool names. Danny mentioned Sidney Poitier who is a good friend of his.
Howard asked if he's still having sex a few times a day. Danny said he's happy. Howard said he has to take care of himself every night. He said he's 40 years old and he's willing to admit he still does it. Danny almost said something but he kept his mouth shut.
Howard recapped and went over some of the stuff that they had gone over with Danny. Then Danny mentioned that he likes country music and Howard found that very hard to believe. Danny said that he likes the music but he wasn't able to name a song or an album that he liked. Howard wrapped up with Danny a short time later.
High Pitch Eric's Birthday Tribute. 4/17/00. 7:35am
Today was the High Pitch Eric birthday tribute. Eric came in dressed as a clown with a rainbow wig and big shoes on. Howard started it off saying that Eric is the most annoying guy to ever be on the show. The whole ''tribute'' thing turned into a big forum for everyone to vent their hatred for Eric. Gary complained that Eric calls the show at least 4 times a day and also leaves 4 voice mails for him every day. He also shows up at the station before the show starts and if he doesn't get on the show he waits around until Gary leaves at 5pm or so. Eric just stood there and listened to all of this. Howard said that he was just smiling the whole time. Then he noticed that Eric had blood in his mouth. Eric didn't know what it was and didn't think there was blood but Stuttering John took a closer look. John said it was definitely blood. Everyone was also saying that he stinks of body odor really bad.
Gary soon started bringing in other people to say happy birthday to Eric.. actually it was so they could complain about him. First up was Isaac from E!. Isaac said that Eric always invites him over to hang out with him. He thinks that Eric is gay and he just won't admit it. Eric says he's not gay though. He's just lonely. Howard also had phony IDs made up that were supposed to be from various female celebrities. They'd come on and just bash Eric of course.
Mike Gange was next up to complain about Eric. He said he's sick of Eric calling him all the time and he just wants him to stop. He said he despises him and doesn't ant to talk to him. KC said he was also sick of getting e-mails from Eric. Eric said he's done with that for a while because America Online recently banned him for 30 days after people complained about him cursing.
Steve, the doorman at the radio station, was up next. He said that Eric is a pain in the ass and he's just ''too much'' to handle sometimes. Steve has to tell him to go away sometimes.
DJ Will Pendarvis was the next one to complain. He started off describing a nice, kind, pleasant person but when he said ''who am I talking about?'' he said ''Me!'' He said that Eric calls him all the time and shows up at his live remotes. Will gave him a ''Will Pendarvis'' t-shirt thinking that it would get rid of him but he said it was like ''feeding a stray dog'' and now he comes around even more than before. He did say that there were two positive things about Eric.. ''He's loyal.. and he hasn't stabbed me yet.''
Doug Goodstein from E! came in and called Eric a ''disgusting, fat, moronic slob.'' He may have the most hatred for Eric. He did bring Eric a birthday gift though. He gave him some deodorant because of his stink. He then said that he had another gift in his pocket.. He pulled out his hand and gave Eric the finger.
Richie from E! came in and called Eric a ''dumb dick''. He said that Eric always calls him and asks him how his day is going. Richie says he put him on hold one time and left him there for 45 minutes. Eric held the line for the whole time. Richie gave Eric some scented sponges for a birthday gift.
Ronnie the limo driver came in and also complained about how annoying Eric is. He said he really stinks and wonders if he's gay. Every time he's asked if he's gay, Eric denies it. He says he fantasizes about getting a woman but he spends most of his time calling guys.
Now comes the interesting part... This guy Crazy Cabbie, who works at Howard's radio station on the Cane show from 6-10pm, came in really pissed. He said that Eric stalks this DJ Cane and always calls the show. He also called him gay and some other stuff. He said that Eric once threatened him with physical violence if he didn't get him on the show so Cabbie was ready to take him on this morning. Eric said he was just kidding when he threatened him though. Cabbie, who has a loud, booming delivery like Chris Farley, eventually said ''Oh, by the way.. Happy Birthday LOSER!'' Someone asked Eric if he ever bothers Julie Slater, the only female DJ on the station, like he does everyone else. Eric just bothers the guys. Another clue that he may be gay. Everyone wanted to find out how much Eric weighed because he's so fat. They put him on a scale and it came up as 218 at first. That was way too low so Cabbie got on the scale. He said he knows he weighs at least 300 pounds but he weighed in at 224. They got a new scale and this time Eric came up at 305 pounds! Cabbie says that he probably weighs 20 pounds more than Eric. This all eventually led up to Cabbie challenging Eric to a foot race. Cabbie said that if he wins, Eric is no longer allowed to set foot in the building and he's not allowed to call anyone at the station anymore. If Cabbie lost then Eric would get a date with Cane and he'd become the producer of the Cane show. They were going to do it 2 weeks from today but Howard eventually got them to agree to do it today. Eric was willing to do it for the chance to hang out with Cane so he agreed to do it.
Crazy Cabbie vs High Pitch Eric. 4/17/00. 8:40am
After a commercial break Howard had moved down to the street with Crazy Cabbie and Eric. They were going to race about 100 yards. Eric was half naked for some reason and Howard said his nipples were erect. Howard described how everything was set up down on the street and what Eric was set to win. Jackie was the starter. He gave the ''On your mark, get set.. GO!'' command. Eric somehow got a head start on Cabbie but Howard described that Cabbie took off and passed Eric about halfway through the race. By the end it was Cabbie who took the race. That means that High Pitch Eric is now banned from calling in on any show on K-Rock. Cabbie told Eric ''I beat your fat, stinky ass!'' and said ''You're done!'' Eric was just about in tears after he realized what just happened. This doesn't mean that Eric won't ever be on the show again, it just means he has to stop calling Howard so much. They wouldn't even let him back up in the station to get his clothes.
Today's Mammary Lane show was over around 10:45am.
Lisa Marie Presley Comes In. 4/8/03. 7:45am
Lisa Marie Presley (LisaPresley.com) came in this morning to promote her new CD ''To Whom It May Concern'' which was released today. Howard said the album got very good reviews. He was playing one of her songs as he talked about it. Stuttering John said she's a pretty hot chick. He also said that she's very nervous and when they asked her if she's nervous about Howard she said ''No, I'm worried about Robin.''
Howard had the guys bring Lisa Marie in after talking to John for a few seconds. She was wearing an overcoat so he asked her to remove it. He said he could tell she was very nervous when she came in. She was wearing a mini-skirt that looked pretty good. She immediately asked Robin what she meant about the ''gummy smile'' comment she'd made earlier in the morning. She wasn't showing any gummy smile when she came in. Howard told her it wasn't a gummy smile, it was a yummy smile to him.
Howard said that being married to her would be great not just because she's hot, but because she's got all of that money. Howard asked her if she's ever used a vacuum in her life. She said of course she has but she doesn't anymore. She told Howard she went to boarding school when she was younger and had to do a lot of work there. She said her mother got more than she bargained for with her.
Howard told Lisa Marie that if he was with her he'd make her mother work for them for sending her to boarding school. Howard said if he was lucky enough to be with her he'd just do fun stuff with her all the time. Howard said if the sex is good, he's there. Lisa Marie said she spent enough time doing nothing in her life, now she keeps busy.
Howard brought up some of the people Lisa Marie has been with like Nicolas Cage and Michael Jackson. He said they'd get to more of that later though. He went on to talk to her about how her father, Elvis, left her all of his money. He didn't leave it to her mother. Lisa Marie is Chairman of the Board for Elvis Inc. Howard said he'd sit there at the meetings with her if he was with her. He said he'd run it with an iron fist. He asked her if she owns her own jet. She said they rent one instead of owning one. Howard said he'd make her buy one if he was with her. He said it would be called ''The Howard Stern Jet.'' Howard and Robin brought up Priscilla and how she draws a salary from Elvis Inc. Lisa is in charge of all of that. She said her mother does pretty well with that.
Lisa Marie sounded a little hostile as she was talking about how she had to get out of the house when she was sent away to boarding school. She said she wasn't hostile though. Howard went on to ask her about when she started having boyfriends and when she lost her virginity. She said she was 15 and the guy was 24 who took her virginity. Howard and Robin said that's illegal. She said she met the guy on the set of a movie her mother was working on. His uncle was a director. She said the guy had a friend taking pictures of them having sex and sold her out because he needed money for drugs. She said they went out for like a year until her mother found her diaphragm. She said she was very sexual at the age of 4. She said she used to use a dolls foot to masturbate when she was that young. Lisa Marie said she was actually sexually active at 13 years old. She said she was giving oral to a kid her age at that point.
Howard told Lisa Marie that people were complaining about not being able to hear he so he asked her to get closer to the microphone. He then asked her about her belief in Scientology. Howard told her he doesn't understand any religion so it's not just Scientology he doesn't get. He joked that he channeled her father the other day and he said he wants her out of the Scientology thing. Howard asked her about the guy she married when she was 19 years old who got her into Scientology. Howard also asked her why she always gets married so quick. She said she's not going to do that anymore. Howard said he's never going to get married again either. He said he's just not good at it. Robin pointed out that Lisa Marie left her first husband to go with Michael Jackson. Howard wondered if she had to shell out a lot of money to that guy when they divorced. She said it was under a million and they hadn't even signed a pre-nuptial agreement. She said he actually gave the money back and even the house she set him up with.
Howard asked Lisa about her relationship and marriage to Michael Jackson. She said she went with him because it would have been more of an equal relationship. Howard told Lisa about his meeting with Jackson and how nutty he is. He told Lisa to let him meet her next prospective husband, he'll let her know if she should do it.
Gary came in and told Howard to plug Lisa Marie's new album ''To Whom It May Concern'' which goes on sale today. The record company people were complaining that he wasn't promoting it.
Howard got back to Michael Jackson after that. She said that relationship was before the whole lawsuit came about from the kid who claimed he was sexually assaulted by Jackson. Howard wondered if he was doing it to cover up that case. She said she didn't think that was the case. Robin threw in a question about sex with Jackson and Lisa said she wasn't going to talk about that stuff. Howard told Robin she was moving too fast and he'd get to that later. Howard asked her about Jackson's melting nose and all of the makeup he has to wear. She said she never looked at him that way though and it didn't bother her. She said she let him wait until he was ready to have sex with her. She said she wasn't the aggressor in that relationship. Howard asked her if Jackson or Nicolas Cage spanked her. She said ''no'' to Jackson but said she didn't want to talk about what Cage did. Robin asked Lisa if she was sexually satisfied by Jackson. She didn't really have an answer but said she did marry the guy. Howard said most couples bang like 4 times a day when they first meet and he figures she wasn't banging him more than once a week. Howard said it made him angry when she was with him. She'd read Howard's book (Miss America) so she knew his feelings about it.
Howard asked Lisa about her kids who are 10 and 13. She said they're at home and their dad is watching them. She said he's a musician so he does work. She said that she takes care of them when she's home. Howard asked her what she likes to do for fun. She said she likes to hang out with her friends and drink at home or at one of their homes.
Howard asked Lisa Marie what a typical day is like for her. She told Howard that she might stay up all night drinking. Howard also asked her about what her house is like. She said they have a pool that she likes to hang out at once in a while. He asked her if she likes to walk around naked. She said she doesn't but Howard ended up asking her if she shaves completely. She said she does shave completely. He also asked her if she's up for anal sex. She quickly said ''Sure'' to him when he asked.
Howard wondered if Michael Jackson used her as a publicity stunt. She said it's possible but she's not sure about that. Howard also asked her about Nicolas Cage and if he had a temper. She said everyone does sometimes. Howard said he heard that Cage lived in separate houses when he was married to his last wife.
Lisa Marie said that Jackson would give her all kinds of gifts and stuff when she was with him. She said she knew things weren't right when he did an interview with Diane Sawyer. She said he wasn't protecting their relationship at the time. She said she never saw kids sleeping over during their marriage. She said she wasn't drinking then either, that came after the marriage.
Howard told Lisa that he could give it to her very hard for about 13 seconds. He asked her who she spoke to when she wanted to get away from Jackson. She said she talked to her mother and her mother just listened to what she had to say. Lisa said she and Jackson divorced but they had signed a pre-nuptial agreement so it wasn't a major thing.
Howard asked Lisa Marie about ever having a lesbian relationship. She said she did have a fling when she was 17 or so. She wouldn't say who she was or where she met her though. Howard wanted to hear all of the details so he asked her a bunch of questions about it. She wanted Howard to plug the album though.
Howard got off the lesbian stuff and asked her some other stuff about Michael Jackson and her other relationships. Howard wondered what it was about Michael Jackson's penis that distinguishes it from other penises. She refused to answer anything about that though.
Howard took some phone calls from people who were surprised at how cool Lisa Marie was being today. One guy asked if she's ever going to pose for Playboy. She said she won't be doing that but she did do a Q&A for the magazine. Howard also asked her what she's using for birth control these days. She said she's not using anything. Howard figured out that her man uses a condom. Howard also asked her if Michael Jackson's face without makeup ever freaked her out. She mumbled something like ''no'' but Howard didn't believe her.
Another woman called in and asked Lisa if she'd come out and sign some autographs. Lisa said ''sure.'' Double A called in a short time later and told Lisa that Howard is the one and only real ''King'' out there.
Howard asked Lisa if she smokes pot or does any other kinds of drugs. She said she doesn't do that now but she did use coke when she was younger. He went on to play a song that was supposed to be a demo song by her but it was some other wacky woman singing horribly. He then played the first single from her new album. Howard wondered what took her so long to put it out. She said she just wasn't prepared as an artist until now. Howard told her she sounds good on the album. She said she'll be going on tour starting in May. Howard said he'd go see her. Howard went through some of the tracks on the album and asked her which one's she wanted him to play. She told him to play ''Sinking In'' so he did that. Howard listened to that for a few seconds and asked her what it was about. She said it was about a failed relationship but it wasn't the one with Michael Jackson.
Howard took some more phone calls. One caller asked Lisa if she supports the war in Iraq. She said she is supporting her country. Howard asked her if she loves that we're bombing the crap out of them over there. She just giggled when he asked her about that. Howard asked Lisa about a story about her getting into a fight with Paris Hilton. Lisa said a friend of hers actually threw a drink on Paris and she just happened to be there when it went on.
A few more callers asked Lisa Marie some questions. Howard also asked her about her personal life and if she does the shopping for herself. She knew about how much milk, eggs and gasoline costs her when she goes shopping. Howard asked her how much a stamp costs. She said $.13. Gary came in with a whole list of stuff to ask her about. She knew approximately how much the stuff was. Lisa Marie said she doesn't live like Howard thinks she does. She said she owns an older model Mercedes Benz and only has one house.
Howard asked Lisa who she hangs out with these days. She told Howard she hangs with Rob Zombie and some other friends. She said she parties pretty much every other night. She said she tries not to do it every night though because that would be too much. She said she rarely blacks out when she drinks.
Howard was about to wrap up the interview but Artie asked if Gary was going to come in and offer her money to get topless. Howard asked her if that could happen. She said she'd do that later. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking about how Don Imus' had collapsed his lung and he was in a good mood as he was talking about it. Howard talked about how awful a person Imus is and how horrible his ratings are. Howard said he's irritated that they have him working at the same company as him. Howard said it really bothers him that he's making money off of his hard work.
Howard and Robin talked about the lung collapse thing and how that can happen. Howard asked if she had ever seen him happier. Jackie said he thought Howard was done with his book. He said he noticed the smile as soon as he walked in. Howard said this is the first spontaneous thing Imus has done. He said getting up early and doing this every day isn't so easy. Howard told Gary to send a funeral wreath. He told Gary what to include with it and said that Imus really has to try and do everything he does. He said the guy is going to do it even though it's going to kill him.
Howard said Imus can only dream of the creativity. Robin said this is a young person's thing too and it's not something that an older person should have. She said there must be something else going on there. Howard said he hopes it's cancer. He wished that upon Imus and said he hopes that he gets it. Howard said he hates Imus and he's a freak.
Howard went off on Imus for a few minutes talking about how much he hates him and how he despises anyone who works with him.
Gary said they have someone on the phone saying that his Karma is going to change if he keeps this up. Howard picked up on the guy and asked what this Karma nonsense is about. The caller said he believes that what comes around goes around and even if he doesn't like Imus he shouldn't be going off on him. Howard said he should go and listen to Imus because he's going to ban him from listening. Howard told the guy he hopes he gets a collapsed lung. The caller said that he helped him not kill himself. Howard said he made a mistake by doing that.
Howard said he's already miserable and this is some happiness in his life. The caller said he was just trying to give Howard some advice. Howard asked what he should do. The caller said he thinks that if Imus died then Howard would be upset. Howard said he's not hearing him. He said he really doesn't know him. He said he'd be so happy if Imus died tomorrow. He said he's already destroyed him. Howard said this caller doesn't know the history. He said he's happy. If Imus dies then he'd feel sorry for the poor worms that would have to eat that old goat.
Howard let the caller go and got back to talking about the collapsed lung. Howard asked anyone who had any information about what causes it to call in. Robin and Howard spent some time talking about the pain Imus must have been in when this happened.
Gary said they had a doctor call in the back and he was told that this could have been caused by his cocaine use. Howard got a number for the hospital that Imus was staying in and gave them a call. Howard got through to the hospital administrator. The guy told Howard Imus is doing fine. Howard asked if it's a serious problem with someone at that age. The administrator said that he has no idea, he's not a medical person. Howard said he wanted to find out the full medical report. The guy said that they'd have to call him back on that.
Howard tried to call Al Rosenberg to give him the good news. The number he called was out of commission. Howard played The Police ''Every Breath You Take'' and dedicated that to Imus. Howard said he could smell the funeral.
Howard got Al's correct number and gave it a try. He got his answering machine so he called as Imus and told him to pick up. Gary said he knows someone is there. Howard kept telling Al to pick up but no one would pick up. Howard tried calling back again and got Al. Howard gave him the good news and Al sounded happy about it. Howard said he had to be the first to tell him.
After an edited out break Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Robin would ever show him her body if he was going to leave radio. Howard said of course she will. Howard said the guy came close to pissing him off but he was in such a good mood that he didn't do it.
Gary told Howard that he had a clinical psychologist on the phone who thinks that he is very troubled. Howard picked up on her and said that she knows nothing if she's a clinical psychologist. Howard said he is not troubled. Howard said he wouldn't listen to this woman and what she has to say. She said she knows that he wouldn't listen to her. She said Howard has some family trouble and everything has reached a peak. She said that he even admitted that he wanted to see a shrink. She said Howard is using Imus as a whipping boy.
Howard said this woman is no different than a yenta. He went on and on about her and how she's nothing. Howard said that he's not a depressed man and he's very happy. The woman told him that he's not happy and he's shouting at her. She told Howard that he's upset that he's got 3 girls and he's getting older. Howard said she's out of her mind. Howard said he'd choke this woman if he could get his hands around her throat. He said he'd take her and put her right through a window. She said everything he's saying is proving what she's talking about. Howard said he bets that this woman doesn't even get laid. She said she got it last night. Howard said he can tell that she's frigid. He said she's probably got issues with her kids and she's taking it out on him. She said that she has 3 sons and she knows what it's like not to have a daughter.
Howard said that she's a sick, evil woman for thinking that it's a bad thing that she didn't have a daughter. He said she's got her own problems that she's projecting on other people. He said he hopes that she's seeing a shrink. He said she's the one with problems. She stopped talking. Howard told her to go jump out a window. Howard said that she's probably ruined people and she's disturbed. The woman said that she hasn't ruined anyone. Howard said she needs to hear herself so he's going to send her a copy of the show. He said that her son is going to be so gay. The woman said he's switching this around and that's not right. She said that Howard is spewing hatred. Howard said she's the one who is spewing hatred because she hates her third son.
Howard told this woman that she's very sick. He said he hopes that they take away her license. The woman said she thinks that this was a bad idea to call. Howard said Imus has stolen from him and he should be allowed to shoot someone like that.
Gary said that he had a psychologist on the phone and he's saying there is no way this woman can be a psychologist. She said she knows she's in trouble now. She started to cry. Howard said there's no way she can be a psychiatrist. He said she has to be putting her on. Howard picked up on the psychologist and the guy said that there's no way that she's a real psychologists. Howard went off on the woman again and she said that she shouldn't have called in and now she's in trouble. She blamed Howard for ruining her practice. She was crying as she was telling him this. Howard said she was making him feel bad now. Howard said no one told her to call him. She said she had better hang up now. She said she knows she's in trouble now. Howard said no one gets in trouble. He said maybe she got carried away. He told her to get back to work. She said they won't be able to prove it's her voice anyway. She said goodbye a short time later.
The guy on the phone said that all therapists go to therapists of their own so they can get this stuff out. Howard asked Robin if she can imagine the guy he's going to see. He said he's going to have him reduced to tears. Howard let that guy go a short time later and went to break.
Uncle Paulie, Adam Carolla And Born Again Stephen Baldwin Come In. 07/23/04. 8:40am
During the break Sal the Stockbroker's (HorseToothJackass.com) Uncle Paulie came in to hang out for the rest of the show. Adam Carolla also came in to hang out. Howard came back from break and said that Adam is in town to promote the Axe deodorant spray. He joked that black people call it ''ask.'' Howard said he was going to bust Adam on something about that. He said that Jimmy Kimmel told him that Adam had an operation to have his forehead operated on so it won't sweat. Adam told them that hyper-hydrosis is something that effects 1 in 23 people. He would sweat like crazy up there. He said they take a probe and stick it in to burn out a nerve or something and there's not more sweating up there. Now he has residual sweat coming from his ass now. He said his ass is like a kiddie pool now.
Uncle Paulie had never heard of such a thing and ended up goofing on Adam. He said he's supposed to be a man. He had never heard of Adam or Jimmy Kimmel either. Howard got back to Adam and asked him about this party he went to for the Axe deodorant. Adam said that he was asked to show up to this party and he got paid something like $5000 to show up at it. Uncle Paulie was rambling about Adam smelling like onions and garlic for some reason.
Adam told Howard that he's in to promote ''Crank Yankers'' and not that deodorant. He said that the reason he is in the city is because of the Axe deodorant thing. He told Howard that Steve O was at the party last night with his hot model girlfriend. He said he was ready to kill himself after seeing that. Howard said they felt the same way when Steve O was in the other day.
Howard brought Stephen Baldwin in next. He was carrying a bible when he came in. Howard asked him about this born-again Christian thing he's into now. Adam told Howard that Stephen is an obnoxious guy and he knows it. He said now that he's found Jesus Christ, he's entered a new stratosphere of obnoxious. Howard wanted to play the tape of Baldwin talking about how Gellman seems to be keeping him off of Regis Philbin's show because of the religious content of this DVD he's selling. Uncle Paulie got on his ass about this stuff as well but Stephen couldn't understand what he was saying. Uncle Paulie asked him what kind of Christian he was because there are too many Christians out there. He said he was using the name of the god for promotion and he shouldn't be doing that. Adam told Stephen that this was good practice just in case he ever has a meeting with the Pope. Uncle Paulie continued to ramble about how he doesn't believe Stephen, he only believes in God. Adam threw in a plug for ''Crank Yankers'' while Paulie was rambling.
Uncle Paulie asked Stephen about his religion and what it was all about. Stephen started to explain to him that he's a born again Christian but Uncle Paulie didn't get it and started to make fun of Stephen and his religious beliefs. Howard took over after that and brought up the crazy bachelor party they threw for him years ago. He wondered how Stephen went from that to this born again stuff. Stephen said that he is now at a place spiritually where he doesn't even look at the pictures of Howard's girlfriend in FHM magazine because they are ''tempting.'' Howard told him that he's a man... Uncle Paulie took over and told Stephen to ''Get out!'' of the studio.
Howard asked Stephen about the FHM thing and what he means about not wanting to look at that stuff. He thinks that this will last maybe another year with Stephen before he gets back to looking at women. Uncle Paulie jumped in again and told Stephen that he's a donkey and made some ''Eee Haw'' sounds.
Howard asked Stephen about the fact that he walked out of the room with Tabitha Stevens earlier when he saw her bent over. He said he just saw ''a person'' bent over like that and walked out. He didn't know who she was. Uncle Paulie said that he must be ''a gay'' if he did that. He laughed as he was goofing on him. Gary got in on the conversation and asked Stephen if he has stopped pleasuring himself. Uncle Paulie yelled at Gary for being a monkey when he was talking to him. Stephen said that he does not do that anymore but would not say how long it has been since he did that. He only has sex with his wife now. He has the power now to not do that stuff.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that this is just another addiction that Stephen has gotten himself into. She went off on him for a few seconds before Howard hung up on her. Stephen wanted to tell Howard about the stuff he's been doing lately but he knew it would be boring. Stephen said he's been touring for a while now with this Christian Skateboarding thing and he's been to 50 cities lately. Tomorrow he'll be at a Walbaums on Long Island.
Howard let a couple of phone callers through to yell at Stephen. One guy said he thinks Stephen is full of crap and no one can not look at Tabitha Stevens. Howard wanted the guys to bring her in so he could see him not looking at her. Stephen got in a plug for this web site LivinIt.org where you can find out more about the Christian Skateboarders. While he was talking about that stuff Uncle Paulie was making snoring sound effects as if he were bored with it all.
Howard said he knew the old Stephen Baldwin and this was hard for him to believe. Stephen said he had a hard time believing it as well. His wife became a born again Christian and that's what got him into it. Howard figured that they would have gotten a divorce if he didn't make the switch. Stephen said that wasn't the case but it did save their marriage because he saw the changes in his wife. They became closer because of it.
Howard asked Stephen about pleasuring himself and how he doesn't do that. He didn't want to give details about whether or not he has ever done it in the past couple of years but he said if he is 3000 miles away from her and thinks about his wife while doing it, it might be considered okay because what you believe in your mind is what matters with Jesus.
Howard let a few more people bust Stephen's balls about this whole thing. Uncle Paulie got in on it some more and yelled at Stephen while Stephen asked all of the Christians out there to start praying for Uncle Paulie. Howard then told Stephen that in 2 years he'll be divorced, drinking and going to strip clubs. He doesn't believe that he can stick to this stuff for that much longer. Howard asked for Tabitha to come in but she had already left. Stephen said that if he's walking down the street and sees a good looking woman walking toward him on the street, he doesn't have to turn around and look at her backside. Gary came in and asked if he's looking at a woman's backside, is he doing something wrong or is it just something he can't do. Stephen gave him a long explanation about what he thinks about marriage and what people should be doing.
Chaunce Hayden called in and asked Stephen about what he thinks about the Jews now that he's born again. Stephen talked about that stuff for a minute and told Chaunce to go to ChosenPeople.com. He says he doesn't think the Jews are wrong. Gary had some more questions for Stephen after that. He asked about some of the things they had in their notes about him. They found out that Stephen is starting his own ministry now. Howard said he knew that he couldn't just be one of the people sitting in the pews. He said that's where he needs to go when he's done in radio. That's where all of the money is. Stephen had no comment when the guys asked him about abortion. He said that was a sticky situation and he didn't want to comment.
A caller told Howard about how he was fired because of Stephen Baldwin. He told a story about how he complained about no getting tipped at a golf event and ended up getting fired after talking about it on the air. Howard cut the guy off and didn't let him go on much more.
Stephen talked about this skateboarding video he's got out and also gave him a plug for his new coffee Loco Joe that's going to be sold in Walbaums supermarkets on Long Island. Uncle Paulie started to yell at Stephen to get out of the studio again after that. Howard asked Paulie to calm down so Stephen could get in some more plugs. He's going to be touring the Walbaums supermarkets on Long Island tomorrow all day. He's starting out in Long Beach then moves on to Deer Park, North Pachoug, Riverhead and South Hampton. He also got in a plug for Distributorship.com and blessed Howard and the other guys who were there.
Howard had to wrap up after that but it was mayhem with Uncle Paulie yelling and Adam cracking jokes about Paulie. Howard gave Adam another plug for ''Crank Yankers'' and tried to put an end to the fun. Uncle Paulie was still going nuts yelling at Stephen. Adam's forehead wasn't sweating at all even with all of that stuff going on. Double A called in and said he wants to hear more from Uncle Paulie. Paulie started to go off on Stephen again. Vinnie Favale called in and gave Stephen an ''F, Marry Kill'' game which included his wife, Jesus and God. Stephen had no idea what he was talking about but Vinnie ended up yelling at him about not being Solomon or something like that. It was still insanity in there. Stephen got in one more ''Praise the lord'' before Howard finally cut to commercial break.
In the clip Howard was talking about a sick friend of the family who was really into Seinfeld. Howard said he asked Mike Gange to make a dub of some tapes they had and then send them to this woman. It turns out that the tape had a porno on it. Gange didn't check his work and Howard got upset with him for that. Howard said he embarrassed him because the family thought he was trying to play a trick on them. Howard said Gange should pick up the phone and call this friend. Gange said he would do that. Howard said he has to sit around and yell at him now.
Howard ended up beating up on Gary over this even though he had nothing to do with it. Howard said he had some problems with Gary's work too. Howard said he wanted Gary to be the one person opening his personal mail but he found out that the interns were opening it. Gary said that it was Kathy opening it just the one day he happened to call. Gary said it happens sporadically. Howard asked who else looks through it. Gary said they photocopy it and send it around the office. Howard went off on Gary he doesn't want anyone else seeing his mail and copying it.
Wesley Snipes Comes In. 3/15/02. 8:40am
Actor Wesley Snipes came into promote the new movie ''Blade 2'' which comes out March 22. Howard said Wesley looks much bigger in the movies. Wesley claims to be 5'11'' tall but Howard said he's probably no taller than 5'10''.
Howard told Wesley that he loved the first ''Blade'' movie and he's looking forward to seeing this new one. Wesley said the movie is getting great feedback from the people who have seen it so far.
Howard asked Wesley if he's been snubbed by the Oscar people because he's black. Howard said he is the ''blackest actor out there'' but Wesley laughed at that comment. They all spent a few minutes talking about other black actors and actresses like Halle Berry and Denzel Washington. Howard said he doesn't even believe that Halle is black. Howard tried to ask Wesley about his relationship with Halle but he didn't want to talk about his personal life. Howard tried many times to get Wesley to talk about personal stuff but it just didn't happen.
Howard asked Wesley about some news stories he's read about him but Wesley denied all of them too. He said that people read about someone named ''Wesley Snipes'' and assume that it's him. There was one story about Andy Dick getting beaten up by Wesley but Wesley denied that. Andy actually brought that story up on Howard's show one time so Stuttering John came in and told Howard that. Wesley said he wouldn't know who Andy Dick was if he walked in the room.
Howard tried to find out what kind of money Wesley made on this sequel. Of course he wasn't talking about that either. Howard kept trying to get stuff out of Wesley but it just wasn't working. Wesley wasn't being a prick about it but he wasn't exactly cooperating with Howard. Howard spent about 25 minutes with him before wrapping up the interview.
Mark Wahlberg Comes In. 7/25/01. 8:25am
Actor Mark Wahlberg came in this morning to promote the new movie ''Planet of the Apes''. Howard had been promoting him as ''Marky Mark'' Wahlberg but his people put a stop to that. They asked Howard not to refer to him like that. Howard didn't know he was doing wrong though. Mark came in and Howard spent a few minutes talking to him about ''Planet of the Apes'' and how he didn't have to wear a loin cloth in the movie. Mark said he was glad that director Tim Burton didn't put him in one but he didn't demand not to be in one like Charlton Heston was in the original movie. Mark told Howard that he would also consider doing a sequel only if Tim Burton is involved.
Howard was talking about what a body this guy has and how every chick must want him. He also said he read about Mark making out with some Revlon model by the name of Rhea. Mark says he never met the woman but Howard said he saw pictures. Howard also brought up a story from when he last saw Mark out in Malibu, California. Howard was hanging out with Carmen Electra and a couple of her friends. When one of her friends saw Mark she told Howard she'd love to just ''do'' Mark one time just to feel him because he's got such a great body. Howard said he'd introduce the two of them but he never got around to it.
Howard tried to get some information out of Mark about the ''famous broads'' that he's banged but Mark was keeping quiet about that stuff. He did admit to ''dating'' a few famous chicks that Howard mentioned, like Reese Witherspoon and a couple of models, but he wasn't talking about his sexual experiences.
Howard asked him about what kinds of sex he might have had also. He asked about threesomes and stuff like that but Mark was still keeping quiet. Howard asked him if he's ever had a Blumpkin (oral sex while sitting on a toilet taking a dump) but Mark didn't know what it was so he's obviously never had that. He said he didn't think he'd ever want it either. Howard said he'd love to have that because he'd love to humiliate a woman.
Howard also questioned Mark about the rumor that Matt Damon was obsessed with him at one point in his life. Mark said he knew nothing about that. He said he knows Matt and as far as he knows, he was never obsessed with him.
Howard took a bunch of quick phone calls and wrapped up the interview with Mark. ''Planet of the Apes'' opens this Friday. Howard also mentioned that Mark will be on ''Late Show with David Letterman'' tonight.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who he picked up on as being gay immediately. The guy admitted he was gay. Howard told him to just try to talk like a man. The guy said he was a man. Howard said Robin sounds more masculine. Howard said there were just as many gay men in this country 30 years ago as there are now but they would hide it. This guy would have spoken like a man 30 years ago if he was trying to hide it. Howard said it seems like guys are getting more gay these days. He said he's not sure who to blame. Howard said it might be TV shows.
Howard told the caller to try to put on a man's voice. The guy tried it and had it down a little bit but then he went right back to the effeminate voice. Howard said he didn't know anyone in school who talked like this in school. He said he knows there were guys who played on the football team and they were gay. He said they were very macho back then and they're probably talking like this guy but they didn't back then.
Howard said he's not sure what they're trying to say there. Howard said you don't have to sound like a girl just because you like ass and penis. He told the caller that he doesn't mean you have to take on the qualities of a girl. The guy said he's not doing that. Howard asked if he likes when a man stinks under the arms. The guy said sometimes he likes that.
Howard talked about how they'll be able to show this guy on the new TV show on E!. The caller said he's going to be the first person in line in Cleveland when he gets there.
Howard mentioned that Fred was out with his band performing last night and they taped it for the TV show. Howard said Grillo said that he was great.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to the guy. Howard and the guys ended up talking in their effeminate voices with the caller. At one point the caller said he wasn't able to hear Howard and the guys very well.
Stuttering John told Howard he had a guy on the line who wanted to talk to this guy. He was looking for a date. Howard lost the call somehow. Howard spent some more time talking to the caller about when he lost his virginity and things like that.
Howard picked up on the second caller who was saying that he's gay too. He was 25 and caller 1 was 21. They asked some questions about each other. Caller 2 said that Caller 1 sounded too much like a girl. He wondered what was up with that. Caller 1 said he's found plenty of butch guys for himself. They were arguing and Howard said he feels like this is what happens in hell. Howard goofed on their voices and said it was like Laverne and Shirley arguing. Howard had to wrap up a short time later.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:50am.
KC's Audition Discussion. 6/6/03. 7:10am
After the break Howard said that they have guests like Melissa Gilbert, Steve O and Staind coming in soon. He also said they have the E! show back at 11pm.
Howard said he read that Jennifer Lopez has been watching the dailies from Ben Affleck's new movie and calling the director to give her advice on what's wrong. Howard and Robin wondered when J-Lo became a great actress. Howard sarcastically said it was with ''Maid in Manhattan.''
Howard said KC didn't make it to the Scores Party yesterday because he was going to an audition. Howard said KC told him that this male casting director had to see him with his shirt and pants off. Howard predicted that would happen yesterday when he was talking to KC about this. KC came in and explained what happened at this audition. KC said the guy asked to see his body and told him to take his shirt off. KC said he knows that all of these casting directors are gay and he knows it. He said this was to do some kind of editorial for a men's magazine. KC said these meetings are incredibly gay. He said they have you flexing and showing off your abs and stuff. He said they ask you to pull down your pants so they can see your legs and stuff and it's like getting a rectal exam. KC said he can't turn down anything like that at this point because he needs the money. He said he would never ''let no fruit'' touch him in one of these meetings. He said one time a casting director told him to move his balls to make his package look bigger. The guys thought that was pretty odd. Robin asked KC how many of these calls KC has gone on. He said he's been on a bunch of them. They were all joking that these guys probably call each other and say that there's this guy from the Stern show who is willing to pull down his pants and move his balls for them. Robin asked KC if he shaves his legs or anything like that. He said that he doesn't do that. He said he did do a commercial for one of those hair removal systems that paid pretty well. He said the meeting yesterday lasted an hour and a half which surprised Robin and Howard. They wondered what he did during that time. KC told them he had to interview and get his picture taken. While they were talking about this Fred threw in the Joe Rogan comedy bit where the two weight lifters are talking about their muscular asses and end up doing gay stuff but pretend that there's nothing wrong with it. They also played the ''KC's a Homo'' musical clip they play once in a while. Howard told KC that an hour and a half meeting was work so he should have gotten paid for it. KC said he is getting these photos out of the meeting so it wasn't really for free. KC continued to talk about the strange meeting and how they make you smile in the pictures. He said it was really gay. Fred threw in the clip from ''Fame'' where Coco has to get naked during an audition. KC didn't know the clip so Howard and Artie told him about that and how Irene Cara's boobs weren't all that great when she stripped down. They described them as being like ''raisins.'' Artie said that when KC goes to the race track with him, he's the only one there who has been to a meeting like that. KC said the guy doing the interview had a German accent so it was a little tough to understand him.
A guy called in and said that KC is supposed to be in a movie with Margot Kidder and he's going to be playing a bi-sexual. KC said he is doing a movie but he's supposed to be playing a detective, not a bi-sexual. This guy on the phone told him he should check the script again for the movie (Death 4 Told). KC said he did do one gay thing in college though. He said he made a rock video for a Lou Reed song or something where he played a part of a guy who was giving oral to other guys. KC said the gay stuff is funny but he's not gay himself. KC said that he and Buckethead used to go to college parties together holding hands and when people would say something to them, they'd beat them up. Howard thought that was kind of weird. They goofed on him about all of the gay stuff for a short time. Howard said most guys in college cast hot chicks in the parts they have for their movies and videos. KC told Howard how funny it is to goof on gay stuff and how beating up people when they make fun of him being gay is funny. Gary came in and said he and the guys were talking about KC's meeting with that guy and how they would have been out of there after just a few minutes.
Howard asked KC if these guys ever touch them during the meetings. KC said there was no touching going on and if anyone tried to do anything to him, he'd kill them. KC said that they sometimes touch your shoulder or something to pose you but that's about it. Howard and the guys were goofing on him and asking him if the guy rubbed any lotion on him. KC said that didn't happen.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who had a theory about why KC finds all of that gay stuff funny. He said he seems to think that KC wants to please guys like this photographer because it's like he's trying to please his father. KC told him he was full of it and didn't know what he was talking about. Stuttering John said he knows what the guy is doing to the picture of KC right now. KC said he doesn't care about that though. The guys wanted KC to do some of the poses they had him doing at this meeting he was at. KC said he didn't want to do it though. Howard had to break again after that.
Prank Calls, Top 5 And Howard's Gay Love For KC? 10/22/03. 7:20am
Howard did a quick Top 5 songs for everyone. He said it seems like they never change though. All of the songs are bad and don't sound that much different from week to week. He played a few of the real top five which included The Youngbloods, Ludacris and Nelly. He also threw in the song parody ''Gay Photograph'' which is about KC's photo shoot. KC told Howard that he came in and said that the photo shoot led to one of the pictures becoming a poster. He said he got paid $3,000 for it and he doesn't care if it's for gay guys or not. Howard also said that Will out in the office is going around telling people that Howard is really in love with KC and he has proof. Howard called Will in to talk about it. Will said he's picked up on things and thinks that he is attracted to him in a strange way. Will said that when they went to Las Vegas Howard's first observation was about KC having his shirt off at the pool. Howard explained to Will why that was. He said he was down there with his girlfriend and KC came down and took his shirt off. All of the women were staring at him and giggling as they checked out his half-naked body. Will seems to think that Howard was enjoying the whole show as well.
Will told Howard that there were some other things that have happened which lead him to believe that Howard is attracted to KC. Howard seems to think Will is nuts and he doesn't have any attraction to KC. There was one time that Howard went to a steam room and ended up talking about that on the air. Will said he observed that KC was wearing underwear under his towel. It does seem like he's got his eye on KC quite a bit. Howard went on to say that he's been warned to lay off of KC a little bit because he's been acting so odd lately. Howard said that's why it seems like he's been so nice to him lately. Howard talked about the time KC snapped when Howard went off on him one time and how he's been laying off of him ever since. KC told everyone that he has never thought about harming anyone there. The guys pointed out how he has had thoughts about killing his own family members in the past so they are a little worried about what he might do. Howard told KC that when he's running through the station with his machete, remember how nice he's been. Howard said he's been warned about KC and that's why he's been so nice.
Artie told Will that Howard is not gay for KC, he's just scared. Howard said he really does think that KC is capable of snapping one day. Howard said his level of snapping has gone up since his family had an intervention with him and he's tried to be a little nicer to him since then. Gary said that he's seen KC stand there gritting his teeth when people are going off on him and then, all of a sudden, he snaps. Howard said he knows there's something going on in KC's head that they can't help him out with. Gary and John said they've had discussions about whether or not KC will ever be able to realize how messed up his childhood was. Howard said he just wanted to stop this discussion.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that KC has been doing better since he started going to therapy. Howard agreed with him on that point. Other people pointed out how KC has been showing up late a few times lately and Howard hasn't said a thing. The other day Howard ended up yelling at Gary because KC was late and his breakfast wasn't there early enough. KC said that he's been sleeping through his alarm for some reason and it might have something to do with the medication. KC also claims that he's been laying off of gambling lately as well. Dominic said that KC called his office the other day and he made sure to take his call as soon as possible because he's a very important person.
Stuttering John asked KC if he was going to be betting on the Breeders Cup this weekend. He said that he will be betting on that. KC said that he has been going to Gamblers Anonymous but he's still gambling. Everyone seemed to find that kind of funny. They told him that when you go to gamblers anonymous, you're supposed to stop gambling. He said he knows that but the gambling is under control. KC suggested that other people go to these meetings to hear how bad gambling can get. Howard said he had to take another break but Gary told him that Henry Hill had just shown up. Howard told him to bring Henry in right away.
Which Clip Isn't Porn Game. 2/28/03. 7:30am
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered why they don't play that Sulu laugh much these days. He also wondered if ''Son of the Beach'' will be out on DVD. Howard said he doesn't know but it is coming out in April. The guy was also wondering when that cartoon of his will air. Howard talked about that for a minute and ended up hanging up on the guy because he was begging to play a game or win a prize even though he'd just finished with the porn game. Howard got back to the ''Howard Stern The High School Years'' cartoon. He said one of his childhood friends is a young Mohammed Atta. He said he's also going to have stuff like his mother taking his temperature anally when he comes home from school. He went on to talk about having sex with a girl for the first time and how he finished so quick that he pretended that he didn't want to do it at all. Howard said she ended up crying and called her boyfriend. He said stuff like that will end up in the cartoon. Howard talked about some of the other dopey things he did when he was a kid. He said he played some Neil Young (Down by the River) when he was having sex and it just didn't work. He also said he thinks he was going to give her oral but ended up just sniffing around a little bit down there. Howard had the Neil Young song he was talking about playing in the background. He played some other Neil Young stuff and goofed on him a little bit. Artie was singing along to some of the songs and a listener called in and said he actually sounded pretty good. Howard had Artie sing along a little more and said he sucks. He continued to play the Neil Young stuff for a couple of minutes. Artie wondered how great it would be if they were drunk right then. Howard said that they're pretty sure they're going to Las Vegas in April (no date announced yet) to do 3 shows. He said one of the shows will be a drinking show. Robin said she doesn't want to do that again though. Robin said she ruined a couple of people's lives when she was drunk and she had a hangover for a few days after. She said she's just not going to drink again.
Gary said he has to go listen to some Neil Young when he goes home. Howard said he loves Neil Young too but he won't be going home to listen to it.
Howard had some complaints about his Canon Digital Elph camera printer. He said he bought the camera and it's great. He said he bought a printer that goes along with it and loves that. He had to go on the web to order the ink for the printer and it turns out a couple of the colors are back ordered and it's pissing him off. He said Canon should be ashamed of itself for that. He said now that he's complained about it he'll probably get a ton of them. Howard said he wants to print some stuff but he can't because he doesn't have the ink. Gary said he's got a $1000 video camera that he can't get fixed. Scott the Engineer came in and said he bought a Dell computer and purchased a $100 service thing where he's supposed to be able to get through to tech support with this express service. He said he can't get through at all after waiting on hold for 3 hours at a time two times. He said they offered to refund him his money but he said he wants the service, not the refund. Howard asked Scott if he called from his smoking room. Scott said he called from his basement where he's not allowed to smoke. He does have a smoking room in the house though. Howard took a break shortly after that.
Porn star Corina Taylor And Her Dad Come In. 08/03/04. 8:50am
Howard came back from break and took a phone call from a guy before getting to Corina Taylor. The caller said that he thought Ed Torian was great on the show and he should be on more often. Another caller said that there was some censoring going on during the Pam Anderson interview. Howard says he doesn't care anymore and his days are numbered there anyway. A woman called in and said that Pam's interview was great but she was really nervous for some reason. Howard had to hang up on her because she was annoying him. Howard went on to talk about how he gave Pam a couple of kisses on the lips before she left. He didn't know how much she was really into him until today.
Howard said the guys from Green Day sent over their new song for him to play. He played the first few seconds and said it sounded pretty good to him. He continued to play the song and said he loves the lead singer's voice. The song sounded good to both Robin and Howard. That led to Robin talking about the Metallica movie ''Some Kind of Monster'' which she really liked. She said that she had to go to one of those theaters that's hard to find to actually see it. Artie said it's one of those theaters where they serve mozzarella and tomatoes as snacks.
Howard told Artie that Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) and Rev. Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) put together some kind of video about Artie's eating that was really insulting to him. Artie said he doesn't care about that stuff and wouldn't mind if they played it.
Howard moved on to Corina Taylor who was on the show a few months ago talking about how her step-father and mother watch her videos together. Howard wanted to find out if the father gets turned on when he watches them. The father says he doesn't get turned on but Howard had to bring him in to get a lie detector test done.
Corina Taylor and her father Steve both came in a short time later. Steve has been around since Corina was 18 months old so he has known her for almost 25 years. He says that he does not get excited over her videos. He and Corina shared a hotel room last night and she walks around naked in front of him. Steve talked about a video that Corina did where she was on a farm doing some stuff and how he liked it. He watches the movies with Corina's mother and does not get aroused by them. Corina said that they critique the movies together.
Howard said that he could never watch his daughter in a movie like that. He told Steve that he doesn't believe that he doesn't get turned on and wants to have him take a lie detector test. Howard told Steve that he's a very unusual man if he actually passes this lie detector test. He then sent him off to the room where Ed was going to test him.
Corina told Howard about what she's been up to lately. She shot a music video for the band Monster Magnet and she's also got a few porn movies coming out that she shot back in October of last year. That was before she got her new implants. She said she's only had the implants for about 3 weeks now. Howard thought they were a bit large but she didn't think they were all that big. Howard thought they looked nice even though they were done by a doctor in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Howard got back to Steve who was in the lie detector chair. Howard asked Steve to go ahead and do the test with Steve. Ed went on to ask him some questions that the guys had written for him. He asked him if he's ever watched Corina's movies and gotten aroused. He also asked him if he wants to have sex with Corina and if he's ever pleasured himself while watching her movies. They asked him about if he had pleasured himself to another man. Ed asked him if he hates black people. He said ''not all of them.'' Ed then asked him if he has thought about Corina while having sex with his wife or if he has ever snuck into Corina's room and gone through her panty drawer. Corina said she doesn't even wear panties and showed Howard that she didn't have any on today.
Ed asked Steve a couple of questions that got the delay button hit for some reason. He then asked Steve if he finds her ass to be a turn-on or if he gets turned on while she walks around naked in their apartment. Steve said no to all of the questions about getting aroused by his daughter. Ed continued to ask question after question about if he would ever want to see her naked, if he's ever touched her in a sexual way and stuff like that. They asked him about using the N-word and stuff like that as well toward the end of the questioning.
Howard cut Ed off and had the guys come back in the studio. They were anxious to find out the results of the test. A short time later the two of them were back in the studio. Ed gave the results on the test. He said he was deceptive on a couple of the questions about getting aroused by Corina. He was truthful about not pleasuring himself to Corina's movies. Ed said that Steve has never snuck into her room to look through her panties. One of the questions was about being stranded on a desert island and having sex with Corina. He said that he would have sex with her if he was on a desert island with her. That was a surprise to the guys and it shows that he would break down and have sex with her. Corina says that she would never do that with him though. She would use her hand on herself before she'd let him do anything to her.
Steve says that the lie detector doesn't show anything. Corina was proud when she heard that her father was turned on by her nice ass. There were some other questions about him getting turned on when she walks around naked that he was deceptive on. Corina was kind of disgusted by those answers. She joked around about being proud of that fact a couple of times.
Howard said that Ed's test proved his point. He told Corina and Steve that she should keep her clothes on at home because it's obvious that she is turning on her step-father. Howard gave Corina a couple of plugs for her web site CorinaTaylor.net and the many movie's she's in. She also mentioned the video she'll be in which is premiering on Head Banger's Ball this weekend. Howard wrapped up the interview right after that.
Homeless Jeopardy. 4/10/00. 7:45am
Howard had 3 homeless guys come in to play a game of ''Homeless Jeopardy'' this morning. They were playing for $10,000 cash courtesy of iWon.com. He also had a stripper by the name of Karen from Fantasies in Keyport, New Jersey there to turn the cards or maybe she was just there to look good. Howard tried to introduce the homeless guys but they were having problems with squeal from the microphones and headphones. He eventually talked to Izeel, Charlie and Bill. They've all been out on the street for between 6 months and 2 years or so.
The game was a little different than usual. Instead of having the guys buzz in when they know the answer they would just take turns getting questions. They had categories like Famous Couples, Potpourri, Math, History and Politicians to choose from. Each category had values from $100 to $500. If the contestant got a question wrong the next one in line would get the same question. It was kind of unfair because if they didn't know the answer they lost that amount of money... and they didn't know a lot of answers so the scores ended up taking a dive pretty quick. I don't have all of the questions but here are a few samples and the answers given:
Charlie told Howard that he plays drums on buckets and other types of things. Howard had him bring his stuff in and he gave a demonstration. He had a garbage pail, a paint can, a heating duct and other various items to beat on. Surprisingly he played them really well and it was hard to believe he was playing on garbage. Howard gave it a try and he sounded horrible.
Various Stuff. 4/11/00. 6:05am
Mike Gange came in to tell Howard about how he followed the winner of the Homeless Jeopardy game yesterday. He said the guy was spending money all over the place. He first bought himself a 40 oz. beer then went clothes shopping and bought a bunch of horrible leather clothing. Then he went to the Marriott in New York and got himself a $400 a night room. He'd also given a buddy of his $1000 earlier so he'd spent $2000 by the time Gange was done following him. Howard ended up yelling at Gange for not following the guy even longer to see how he spends the rest of the money. Gange said that's the way they always do it. Howard told him that's why he's not going anywhere in the business.. He doesn't know how to create.
Charlie The Homeless Guy Update. 5/23/00. 7:20am
Charlie the homeless guy recently won $10,000 in a recent game of Homeless Jeopardy. Mike Gange followed Charlie around after the show and watched him blow quite a bit of his winnings. By the next day Charlie was back out on the streets playing his bucket drums. Today Charlie came in to talk about what he did with his money. Charlie claims that he has a home now thanks to ''Howard and God.'' He said he has a place to live that he paid $2000 a year for. He says it's in a nice neighborhood but didn't tell Howard exactly where it is. He would skirt around the questions that Howard asked. One of the things Charlie bought with the money was an $1,100 drum set. The day that Gange found him the set was gone. Charlie claims that it's at his church and he plays them there.
Howard said that Charlie was recently arrested and was calling people to bring him $500 to bail him out. He told Howard he was arrested for ''..smoking a blunt'' but Gary said it was more like conspiracy to sell marijuana or something like that. Mike Gange came in and said that when Charlie got out of jail he didn't even have shoes so they had to get him a pair. He also said that when he called Charlie's wife about him being in jail she didn't care. We then learned that Charlie has 6 kids. Howard just guessed at that number and got it right on the first try.
Gary had been in his office talking to Charlie over his video camera feed about some stuff. Then Howard took a phone call from someone who offended Charlie. He thought it was Gary so he started to goof on him. He was talking about how Gary was eating on camera and making fun of him. Gary was trying to tell Charlie that it wasn't he who offended him, it was a phone caller. Charlie didn't get it though. He still thought it was Gary and he threatened to blow up his house.
A caller claiming to be Charlie's landlord called in but it turned out to be a goof. He said that Charlie's $2000 a year home was actually a mental hospital in New Jersey. Charlie didn't find it funny. He said the guy sounded gay and that he was an asshole. Eventually Howard wished Charlie luck and shook his hand. Charlie thought that Howard was afraid of black people and he wouldn't shake his hand. Howard jokingly said he is afraid of black people but he'd shake his hand anyway.
Janine Lindemulder And The Pecker Checker. 4/18/97. 7:45am
Howard found out about a device that measures a man's arousal. Porno actress Janine Lindemulder was coming in so Howard decided to have a little contest. Janine would go up to each of the cast and see how quickly she could get them aroused. The machine was used to detect the arousal. It detects the circumference of the penis. It sounded like they had to put some type of rubber band around their penis' and then hook some wire up to the machine. Gary said that he was at a disadvantage because he really likes Janine's porno movies. He watches her movies very often. Howard was first to try this thing. Janine came over to him and did her thing. She didn't get naked but she did stick her chest near Howard's face. Howard was aroused within 40 seconds. Next up was Jackie. Janine did the same thing to him but he didn't get aroused. He lasted over 3 minutes without a detectable arousal! Howard decided to call in the big guns.. Robin! Robin came over and did something to Jackie and he was aroused much quicker. So then it was Gary's turn. Gary was aroused by Janine in 35 seconds. That was an easy one for her. Fred was up next. He was the same as Jackie. He lasted a few minutes so Howard called Robin in again. She got him going somehow. It was pretty amazing. After all of the regular guys were done Howard wanted to test one of the E! show crew. Scott DePace was the one. Howard thinks that he may be a homosexual so he wanted to give him a test. They hooked Scott up to the machine and Howard tried to turn him on. It didn't work. Howard wants to get one of these machines so he can test other people whenever he wants to. The machine costs about $4,000.
In the first one Howard was doing his weather reporter character Mama Lookaboobooday live from the chopper. Mama talked about a bunch of stuff and did some bongo playing as he read some poetry. Robin told him to just do the weather. Mama said he wanted to do some ''Hibachi'' poetry. Robin said it's not called Hibachi. Mama read the poetry and said that it's 16 words. Mama read a couple of those poems for Robin. He did the weather after that.
In the next clip, from august 16, 1989 Howard went into his Mama character again and read more poetry for Robin. Mama had a bunch of funny poems for her.
Vomit For Implants Competition. 05/18/05. 7:40am
Howard had the guys bring in these three girls who were there to win breast implants. Howard said all of the girls were in bikinis. He introduced Carrie first. She said that she's an A-cup and she would like larger breasts. Howard said she's cute and has a great body and he doesn't understand why chicks think they need big boobs. Howard told her she doesn't need any. She's 27 years old and she rates herself at a 9. Howard said she's right on that 9. Howard introduced Leann next. She looked really good to Howard as well. He told her that he wouldn't care if she had big boobs or not because she's so hot. She had a great body. Leann is a waitress and she had a great ass according to Artie. She was willing to do just about anything to win the implants. Howard read that she'd like to become a model once she gets her implants. She used to work at a strip club and Howard said he'd go right to her if he saw her in a club. Up next was Anna who is from Poland. She turned around and showed the guys her ass. She had a great ass according to Howard. Gary said that her body was perfect and she'd really benefit from breasts. Anna said that she doesn't want to go too big. She's 5'8'' tall and weighs between 115 and 120 pounds. She said she came over to the United States when she was 10 years old. She was a stripper at one point and she was kind of self conscious about her breasts so she stopped . She said she'd like to go back to stripping if she gets the implants.
Howard warned the girls that they were going to have to do something pretty wacky. He then brought in Jeff Levy who is this guy who has a vomit fetish. Howard had Jeff tell the girls that he likes to have girls vomit on him. The girls were all grossed out by the guy. They said that they found him kind of creepy and weird. Howard said that the guy turns his stomach. Jeff said that he just paid a woman to vomit on him about a week ago. It costs him somewhere over $200 to get the girls to vomit on him. Jeff also told the guys about how he did a video shoot where a girl vomited into his bathtub while he watched. He wasn't naked in the video though. He mentioned that it was on VomitOnline.com.
Howard told the girls that Jeff was going to lay down on the floor nude and the first girl to vomit on him would win the implants. Gary was already getting sick just thinking about what was about to happen. Howard wanted him to stay in the studio the whole time but he didn't want to. Leann said that she would only do this if the other girls did it. She didn't want to be the only one who did it. Carrie said that she could win this whole thing no problem. Howard was surprised that the girls were actually going to do this. He had Jeff get on the floor after taking his shirt off. Howard told the girls when to start and they tried to make themselves vomit on Jeff. You could hear some gagging sounds for a few seconds. Then Leann puked on him and won the competition. Anna was kind of upset that she wasn't able to do it before Leann. Gary turned away when it was going on but accidentally saw it on the E! replay. He was coughing a bit after seeing that. Carrie and Anna didn't eat anything this morning so they weren't able to puke. Leann said that she didn't eat anything but she puked anyway. Carrie said she came all the way from Florida for this thing so she was kind of bummed out about not winning. Anna was about to cry so Howard felt kind of bad and asked her what was wrong. She said she was okay. Howard told Anna that she really doesn't need the implants but Jeff was rubbing the vomit into his stomach so everyone was getting grossed out by him.
Howard told Leann that she'd be going to Dr. Calabro (SalCalabro.com) for her implants. Dr. Calabro was on the line so he told Howard that women are going for much smaller breasts these days. Sal told Howard that he'd give the other girls implants if Howard wanted to give them to them. Gary said that they should do something for them though so Howard had them get naked for them. Howard insisted that Anna doesn't need implants. He had the losing girls kissing Leann who had puked. Howard told all three girls that he doesn't think they need the implants but they didn't seem to care, they're going to get them done anyway.
Jeff got in a plug for his web site JeffTheVomitGuy.com and then Howard took some phone calls from some guys who wanted to tell the guy who gross he was. Jeff doesn't seem to care about what anyone has to say and he kept talking about how he enjoys seeing women throw up. Howard said Jeff will be part of the big Wack Pack Conclave thing they have coming up in the next couple of weeks. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:30am.
Breast of the Week was over around 11:00am.