Howard had a couple of people over to watch some of the game last night but he had to kick them out at half time so he could get some rest. He said he stayed up to watch the end of the game though. He said he couldn't turn it off.
Later in the morning Howard called Angie so she could deny the story also. Howard read the article to Angie and she confirmed that the two of them haven't gone on a date to the restaurant that was mentioned in the article. She also said that she doesn't find Howard boring at all.
Ralph also told Howard how after the party he was so drunk that he just went to sleep in his Jeep. He ended up falling asleep and vomiting all over the floor of his vehicle. He said he was really out of it and woke up to see the puke on his floor. He said it didn't stink because it was so cold out. Ralph said it's still in there this morning. Howard said they should send Gange down to videotape the mess.
Howard spoke to Mr. Methane for a few minutes to learn more about his career. Methane says that he has been doing this as his sole operation for 8 or 9 years now. He charges about $3000 US for an appearance where he entertains the crowd. He had a TV pilot that he made over in England but the BBC refused to put it on the air. Methane released a video tape, ''Mr. Methane, Let's Rip'', that has excerpts from the pilot in it. It's only available over in England though. Methane also tried to get Lloyds of London to insure his ass but they refused to do that.
Mr. Methane says that he's able to fart his tunes using his muscles only. He doesn't need to eat anything gassy. He said Yoga, cycling and walking are just a few of the exercises that he does to keep in shape for farting.
The first performance Mr. Methane did was along with Robin. Robin sang Happy Birthday while Methane farted along with it. It can be described in one word.. Amazing! He didn't just fart randomly, he actually changed pitch and played along with Robin's singing. Mr. Methane then moved on to play ''Green Sleeves'. He narrated the beginning of the music from Robin Hood and had different fart sounds for each character. Each sound was completely unique to each character. He then played along with the music sticking with it just as well as Happy Birthday. Once again, Amazing! Howard said that Mr. Methane turns bright red while doing this due to his straining.
Methane then did a bit from the ''Close Encounters'' movie. He played the tones that the UFO plays. Howard took some calls from listeners and everyone seems to think this guy is great. Mr. Methane went on to play the ''Adams Family'' theme song. He did the snaps in the beginning of the song then played along to the music. Remarkable! Howard said Mr. Methane conducts with his right hand while his legs move around to control the pitch of the farts. He's like a living instrument.
Mr. Methane did a few more performances before he left. He played Deep Purple's ''Smoke on the Water'' and you could almost hear his ass singing ''Fire in the sky''. He also did a thing where he made his fart sound like a bee flying around for like 15 seconds. He then acted out squashing the bee, letting out a big blast. Mr. Methane has a web site where you can find out more about him at MrMethane.com.
Howard asked her when she was a model and she said it was when she was much younger... like 10 or 11. She said she was afraid Howard wouldn't let her come in if he knew that. He didn't really care though. Howard spoke to Heather for a couple of minutes and saw that there wasn't much going on so he was ready to send her on her way. She'd observed long enough. Then Gary came in ready to barter for some skin. Howard spent the next 15 minutes trying to get Heather into a bikini. That wasn't the reason she was coming in so she was very reluctant to do it. She also said that she just moved back in with her parents and didn't want to upset them. Then they pulled out the ''Superior Prize'' list. They offered her a $6900 bracelet at first but she didn't bite. They offered her a laptop computer on top of that but she still didn't go for it. Then Gary said that Heather had mentioned that she liked Sting. Gary was ready to have Howard call Sting and get him to have brunch with her. She still didn't really want to do it so there was no Sting. Finally Gary said that he had a $10,000 prize that they'll be giving away next week. Heather said she would get in a bikini for that money but Howard said she'd have to get topless to get that much. All deals were off. No bikini, no money. A couple of callers told Howard to get her out of the studio and that seemed to freak Heather out a bit. She was very nice about everything and that wasn't the reason she came in so Howard thanked her and went to a commercial break. KC was ready to whip baloney at her as she left but Howard didn't allow it.
Howard eventually got around to plugging ''Twenty One'' which airs tonight at 8pm on NBC. ABC is putting on a special ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' against ''Twenty One'' to try and take away some of their ratings. Maury said that tonight they give away more money to one person than any other show in history. It's over a million bucks. Maury thinks that ABC is afraid that ''Twenty One'' is going to steal their thunder and that's why they're doing the special. Howard tried to find out how much money Maury is making doing this show but Maury wasn't talking. The only clues he gave were that the per-episode pay is ''five digits'' and that it's much less than what he makes on his daytime talk show ''Maury''. Maury said that he doesn't believe that Regis could possibly make ''$250,000'' per episode like the papers have been saying. He said something about the budget of ''Millionaire'' being only $500,000 and doesn't believe that they'd give the host half of that. Howard spent a short time talking to Maury about his daytime show before ending the interview.
Howard had to figure out how he could give this grand prize away to a lucky listener. It hit him while he was taking a phone call. He said he'd play ''Who Wants to be a Vaginal Millionaire''. He took a few phone calls and quizzed some of them with questions like ''How many senators are in each state?'' and ''Who was Eisenhower's Vice President?'' Howard invited a couple of the dumber guys down to play the game. Howard asked one guy ''How do you spell FAGGOT?'' and the guy spelled out ''JEW''. He was invited down immediately.
KC came in to make some suggestions and started calling Annie ''dude''. He suggested that Howard have down Joe Cancer and/or Beetlejuice to play the game. Howard passed on both of them but said he'd invite Crackhead Bob and High Pitch Eric. Then Captain Janks called in and asked if he could play. Janks is only 5'3'' tall so he said it would be a dream to have a woman that tall. Howard asked him how long it's been since he's gotten laid. Janks said it was about 6 months ago. Howard figures it's more like 6 years. Howard decided to let him play to make up for him not being invited to the birthday show a couple weeks back. Janks asked if Annie really looks like a man. Gary told him that she looks kind of like Amy Lynn if you stretched her out to 6'1''. The one thing that Annie demands is that the sex take place on film. Janks hesitated when he said okay to it but he agreed. Her other demands are that the person take a shower and use a condom when they have sex. Hank the sober dwarf called in just before Annie left. He also wants to play the game. Howard told him he'd better be drunk when he comes in. He's invited of course. Annie will be back on Monday to play the game.
Belzer stuck around for the rest of the morning while Robin did her news. He threw in some commentary on just about every story that Robin brought up.
Howard got off that subject and found out what the big announcement was. David is going to be doing an HBO special on February 19. He won't be taping the show before hand though. He'll be doing the special live and he'll have material that he hasn't done at comedy clubs. That was the big announcement. He also said he's going to have some big surprise ending that included 5 gorgeous women. He wouldn't tell Howard exactly what that will be though.
Howard and David also spent some time talking about dating women and their relationships. Brenner told Howard how he's picked up women in the past because they got on the subject of guys who pick their women out of magazines. Brenner said he's done stuff like that in the past. He doesn't do it anymore because he's been dating a woman for the past 12 years. He told a couple of stories about tracking women down like one that he saw on a TV commercial. He said it took about 9 months to do it and when he finally tracked her down it turned out that she was married with 3 kids. He also said that the best place to meet women is on the street. He said a lot of guys are afraid to do it but you just go up to a woman and start a conversation. If she's taken, you just tell her she's beautiful and move on.
David also told a story about how he shared a cab with a couple one time. The woman was beautiful. They were on the way to David's apartment and the driver told the other guy that it would cost each of them $24. The guy thought that he would just have to pay for the trip from Brenner's stop so he argued with the driver. The driver got pissed and kicked him out of the cab in the middle of the highway. The woman was going to get out but David took her hand and said ''You don't want to be with a schmuck like that'' and she went home with him. Those were just a couple of the stories he had to tell.
Howard eventually wrapped things up with David and plugged some of his appearances. David will be appearing at Caroline's Comedy Club in New York until this Saturday. He'll also be at Governors comedy club next week and of course his HBO special will be on February 19.
Another caller also wanted implants this morning. She told Howard that when she was younger she was a 32 DDD-cup breast size. She had breast reduction surgery and brought that down to an A-cup. She now regrets that decision and wants Howard to give her implants. At first Howard told her to just leave them alone but she told him that she's really good looking. Howard eventually agreed to schedule her to come down so he can check her out.
Howard tried to play another game of ''Name That Fume'' but this time it was too hard for anyone to get. He took about 5 calls and not one of them could get it. Howard and Robin were even having trouble recognizing the farted songs. Even after clues from KC the song was still unrecognizable. Howard finally guessed it by process of elimination. It was the Beatles chorus ''She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah''. Nobody won anything.
The caller also wanted to play ''Why Fred'', a game that he created. Instead of Ask Fred, he wanted to see if anyone knew why Fred did a couple of things. He first brought up why Fred changed his name to Eric about 6 years ago. Howard went over it and thought that it had something to do with Fred liking the way Eric looked on a credit card. Fred said he was kidding when he said that. He actually did it because he didn't want his father's name anymore. He changed it from Fred Nukis to Eric Fred Norris. The caller also brought up why Fred got married. He asked if it was because it was the first woman he had sex with. That led to a discussion about Fred's love life. Howard said he never saw Fred with a woman until Alison so he figured he was a virgin until he met Alison. Gary came in and said that he knew a time when Fred went out with a woman so Alison wasn't the first.
Craig Gass will be performing at Madison Square Garden's Paramount Theater on Satyrday for the opening ceremonies of the New York Independant Film Fest. For more info on Craig's appearances e-mail him at email@example.com
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone so he played the gossip game. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard spent a little more time talking to Vinnie and his co-star Tony Serrico. I apologize for any misspellings in either of their names. Tony didn't seem that thrilled to talk to Howard. Howard kept asking questions about he Mafia and sex and Tony just didn't seem to deal very well with it. He lasted a few minutes before he got off the phone. Vinnie stuck around and Howard asked him about some stories he heard about him. He heard that he got in a fight with Matthew Broderick but that turned out to be a mistake. The story didn't happen the way it was written up. Then Howard brought up a story about how Vinnie had to punch out a musician who was staying at his house because the guy tried to grab his genitals while he was asleep. Vinnie just kind of laughed. He was asked if it was true and said ''I'm not saying no!'' It turns out that Vinnie used to have musicians stay at his apartment when they'd be performing at his club. This guy, who remained nameless, just happened to like ''sheep and me'' according to Vinnie. Howard asked Vinnie if the guy finished him off. Vinnie said no and that he's forgotten about the whole situation. Before Vinnie left he said that he really wants to get Beetlejuice to appear on ''The Sopranos''. He's going to try and get the writers to write him a part. He thinks it would be funny to see Beetlejuice come out holding a machine gun.
Howard soon saw that Michelle needed some liposuction but she didn't want to play for that. It took some time but she finally agreed to play for $3000 instead of a bunch of other prizes she was offered. Howard quickly had her get naked and rolled her up in a carpet. Howard took a break while they put her in the can and put her out on the street. When he came back from the break they went right to Michelle on the street. All she had to do was get a hat from a passer-by and it happened within 3 seconds. That was it. All the build up for 3 seconds of embarrassment. Howard gave her $3000 courtesy of iWon.com.
First up was Regina. She claims to have an IQ of 128. She decided to recite poetry while taking a bath. She went right ahead and got in a tub and soaped up while she read Edgar Allen Poe's ''The Raven''. After that she told Howard about the two dimples she has in her ass. Her mother told her they were put there by an angel. She said that she once gave Pamela Anderson a lap dance and Pam felt her up. That was the highlight of her career.
Contestant number 2 was Tara who isn't a dancer at Scores, she's a waitress. She did give a lap dance to Howard one time though. It was her first. Tara sang a song parody to the tune of a Jewel song. Howard enjoyed the song very much. She claimed that Sammy Hagar once asked her out but she refused because he was married with children.
Contestant number 3 was actually 2 people. Tonya, who lost her voice, and her friend Devita came in to perform. Tonya was going to sing but she blew out her voice. Instead she decided to dance with a cup of water on her head while Devita sang a song parody.. a really bad one. Devita sang.. attempted to sing a parody of some latin song while Tonya danced around the studio with a cup on her head. Everyone was impressed that she didn't spill a drop.
Contestant number 4 was Ivy. Ivy has been on the show before. Her really annoying laugh is what gave it away. Ivy tap danced on a small board while some music played in the background. ''It sounded like morse code'' Howard said. Ivy said it was morse code for ''Come to Scores Howard''.
The final contestant was a last minute addition. Keanu was a late entry so they didn't have an intro written up for her. She came in and recited some tongue twisters as her talent. She did a couple of things like Peter Piper and Betty Butter. She did them without screwing up anything. Howard wanted to hear Stuttering John do them so he came in. John actually did pretty well. He didn't get them perfect but he didn't screw them up like Howard expected. John said that it's all in the rhythm. His stutter didn't kick in at all.
After all the girls performed their ''talents'' Howard had everyone vote on their favorite. Chuck Zito picked Keanu and her tongue twisters as his favorite. Jackie, Robin, Howard and Fred all picked Tonya and Devita as the winners. For coming out first in the contest the girls won a laptop computer courtesy of BargainBid.com, a camcorder courtesy of the WB's TV show ''Roswell'' and a TiVo personal TV service courtesy of Phillips. The second place winner, Keanu, won her own and a Diamond Rio MP3 player courtesy of Knoodle.com. Howard, who almost picked Tara as his favorite, gave Tara $100 worth of Flooz.com money. Howard had all of the girls kiss each other to congratulate themselves on fine performances. He also said ''All hail Lonnie from Scores'' for setting them up on the show.