For The Week Of 1/24/2000 to 1/28/2000

• Jackie's Face Lift? 1/24/00. 6:05am
  First thing this morning Howard brought up how great his birthday show was last week. He said that his mother told him that it looks like Jackie had a face lift because he looked so good. Howard asked him this morning if he did have any work done but of course he didn't. Perhaps Howard's mother is losing her eyesight.

  Howard also said that he was at the house that used to be his for his daughter's birthday. Ashley turns 7 today but they celebrated yesterday. That's when his mother brought up Jackie's face lift theory.

  Howard spent a little bit of time talking about the ''Golden Globe Awards'' that he watched yesterday. He brought up Mariah Carey and said that she looked really great. This is a little different than his thoughts last week when he called her a pig after saying how chubby she was. He then revealed that she sent him a birthday note last week. That's probably why he changed his tune.

• Who Turned Down The Birthday Show. 1/24/00. 6:35am
  Gary came in to tell Howard some of the people who refused to do the birthday show last week. He said that Tommy Lee turned it down saying that he doesn't do ''shows like that'' anymore. Tommy has never been a fan of Howard's and has even told his wife Pamela Anderson Lee not to do the show. Also turning down the birthday show were Marv Albert, Jerry Seinfeld and Heidi Kluum. Ziegfield and Roy were going to make a recorded birthday wish but Gary said Roy had the flu or something like that. Regis was also going to call in but the producers of the Regis and Kathie Lee show put a stop to that because of the things Howard has said about Kathie Lee. Gary said Regis was more than happy to do it but he was stopped. Lawrence Taylor also decided not to do the show after agreeing to. Gary said he was unable to even get a call through to his people when they changed their minds. Michael J. Fox was scheduled to call in but it never happened for some reason. Mia Farrow was also going to do it but she had to fly out to California to do the Golden Globe show.

• Howard Plays ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'' CD Rom. 1/24/00. 6:45am
  Howard was playing with a new toy this morning. He had the new ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'' CD Rom. The game features all of the music from the show as well as Regis saying all of his goofy ''Is that your final answer?'' type of responses. Howard played through and got up to the $250,000 question but he blew it. The question had some bizarre name of a fish. Howard took a guess at what it was and got it wrong. He needed quite a bit of help to get up to that point so he wouldn't have done well on his own. Robin and Gary helped him out with more than a couple of the questions.

• High Pitch Eric Calls In. 1/24/00. 7:00am
  Mickey Mouse sound-alike High Pitch Eric called in this morning to tell Howard about his chat with New York WNBC weather woman Janice Huff. He told Howard that he knows someone at WNBC and they got her number for him. He asked her about the cold weather or something like that. The story didn't go anywhere interesting though. Eric went on to say that he met a woman on the internet and will be going out on a date with her soon. Howard spent a while talking to him about whether or not she's heard his voice yet. He said he spoke to her last night and she didn't run away screaming. He said she's an Exotic Dancer. We'll have to wait and see what happens with his date. Will he get laid? Don't think so.

• Will Howard Have A Super Bowl Party? 1/24/00. 7:15am
  Howard spent a good part of the show trying to figure out whether or not he'll have a Super Bowl party this coming weekend. The game doesn't start until like 6:30 and Howard won't be able to stay up and watch it. They're thinking of having a party Sunday afternoon and just forgetting about watching the whole game. Everyone was trying to come up with a good suggestion but some of them were just plain dumb. Jackie suggested that Howard record the game on his TiVo. Then everyone would get up at 3am to watch the game Monday morning. Not one person, other than Jackie, thought it was a good idea. There were also some suggestions about only watching the game up to half time then leaving Howard's apartment and driving home. Gary doesn't want to do that because he has to drive home to Connecticut. Stuttering John just wants to have the party so he can get a back rub. They want to have hot chicks at the party just for that. They also want to play cards and just hang out with the guys. Everything is still up in the air. Gary said they'd have to talk about it after the show today.

• Birthday Show Talk. 1/24/00. 8:00am
  Howard announced that the birthday show coverage will air on the syndicated Saturday night show on February 5. The following Monday full coverage of the show will air on E!. A bunch of listeners called in to say how great the musical acts were and how fun the party was. Howard played some tape of Kid Rock, Sugar Ray and Live performing on the show. That led to someone bringing up the fact that Gary and Scott the engineer fighting this morning. The two of them went at it after Gary asked Scott why he didn't have tape of the music acts ready first thing this morning. Scott came in the studio to give his side of the story. He says he didn't have enough time to have the tapes ready first thing this morning. Gary pointed out that they do this every year and he should have known that they'd need the tapes ready. Scott said he just had too many things going on and he got there as early as he's allowed to. Gary said that's not exactly true because he can get there as early as he wants, he just can't work more than 8 hours. Scott didn't keep up the fight for long. He soon broke down and admitted that he ''F'd up'' and said he was sorry.

• Howard's Dad Obsessed With Game Shows. 1/24/00. 9:10am
  Howard was talking about how obsessed his father is with this ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' game show. He said that Ben yells at the TV and at his wife while he watches the show. Howard said when he talks to his father all he talks about is the Millionaire show. The CD Rom Howard was playing with earlier was given to him by Regis and Howard said Regis gave him two. One was for him and one was for his father. Regis even personally wrote a note on each one. Howard's father doesn't have a computer but he decided to send him the game anyway. Howard said his father didn't even know what a CD Rom was and freaked out when he found out. Howard tried to explain to him that Regis had written him a note but he couldn't find a piece of paper note so Howard had to explain that it was written on the box itself. Then Ben found the note and thought it was funny. Regis had written something about Ben being funnier than Howard and he found it quite amusing. Then Howard's parents didn't know what to do with the game because they don't have a computer. Howard said he doesn't care and if they want to they can throw it in the garbage. They'll probably give it to someone who does have a computer. Howard said his dad said he doesn't need a computer so he won't be playing the game.

• Meri The Ticket Winner Calls In. 1/24/00. 9:20am
  Last week this woman Meri came in begging for tickets to Howard's birthday show. She got the tickets after showing Howard her body. She looked attractive except for her stretch marks. Today she called in to talk about going to the birthday bash on Friday. She complained about the guy they sat her next to, Wayne Segal, because they made it sound like they were hooking her up with a rich guy. She said he was old and looks like Gene Wilder. ''Beetlejuice was cuter'' she said. She wanted to be hooked up with KC because he's so cute. Howard told her that KC wouldn't go out with her because her stretch marks were so bad. Plus, he's got a girlfriend anyway. KC came in and confirmed what Howard had said. He wouldn't go out with her because of the stretch marks. Then Fred and Howard went into their best KC impressions and started making comments like ''Your belly looks like erosion!'' and stuff like that. She threatened to hang up if they kept up the insults so Howard said ''Don't hang up..'', he paused and continued ''..we're not done insulting you yet.'' He then gave her a suggestion on how to best get a date with KC. By the time he was done saying ''Glue your shirt on.'' she had hung up the phone.

• Gary And Howard Argue Over Snow. 1/25/00. 6:05am
  Howard started off the show saying that he's sick with the flu again. He said he might just puke on the show sometime this morning. He then moved on and opened a gift he received from Robin and her boyfriend Mr. X. The gift is an electronic chess board that moves the pieces on its own. Howard thought that was pretty cool. Then, for some odd reason, he and Gary got in an argument over something Howard suggested. In New York this morning it's snowing pretty heavily so Howard suggested that Gary might want to get a hotel room and stay in the city today so he can make it in to work tomorrow. Gary said that he has to go home and do stuff today so he's not going to stay in the city. Somehow it turned into a huge argument and continued on the air for about 20 minutes. Gary took offense at the way Howard told him that he might just want to stay away from home one night. He told Howard he can make it home in his car no problem and he'll be back tomorrow morning with no problem. Howard thinks that Gary needs some time away from his family anyway because he complains about being married once in a while. Howard told Gary that he doesn't really care if he goes home or not, he was just making a suggestion.

• Big Black Calls In. 1/25/00. 7:00am
  Big Black called in with some tape of the Donny and Marie show for Howard to hear. He taped Donny breaking down and crying over his sisters failed marriage. They spent a few minutes talking about how bad that show is. Big Black is still looking for steady work so he made sure to plug his web site BigBlack.com.

• Howard Goes Off On Kathie Lee Again. 1/25/00. 7:15am
  Howard was talking about how someone sent him a preview copy of a TV movie that Kathie Lee Gifford is in. He said that the movie is based on the Prince & the Pauper and it's awful. Kathie Lee put her son Cody in the movie and Howard said the kid really can't act and it looks like he was forced to do something he doesn't want to do. Howard described one scene where Cody walks in with his head down and mumbles his lines. Howard said Kathie Lee is no actress either. He said she's awful in this movie. Howard said he wants to stay on the radio just long enough to interview Cody himself. He has a feeling he will be one messed up kid. Gary said when he sees Cody he sees Jay North, the kid who played Dennis the Menace. Jay was a really screwed up kid after acting as a kid. Howard made sure to say that if someone thinks that he shouldn't be commenting on Cody then Kathie Lee shouldn't put him out there for everyone to see.

• The Ask Fred / Jackie True - False Games. 1/25/00. 7:45am
  Howard had KC come in to play some of his dopey games. Howard had a couple of things to give away so he played the Jackie True - False game first. He got a caller on the line and played the game. The caller had to guess whether or not the statement about Jackie was true or false. Here are most of the questions:
  • Jackie once got a pickle stuck in his nose and had an emergency room doctor remove it. - False
  • Jackie and his cousin dressed up as women the first time they cooked a thanksgiving turkey. - True
  • Jackie once drank a cup of his own urine on a dare. - False
  • Jackie once got punched by a black man after telling a racist joke. - False
  The urine question had the delay hit in New York but was heard in other markets.. go figure. The caller won tickets to a Mets baseball game. Howard got another guy on the phone to play the Ask Fred game. KC asked Fred some questions and Howard has the tape. Howard plays the question and the caller has to guess how Fred will answer. Here are the questions:
  • Did you ever catch your parents having sex? - No
  • Have you ever stolen anything? - Yes Matchbox cars
  • Have you ever been arrested? - No
  • Have you ever snorted cocaine? - Never
  This caller also won. He was offered a laptop computer but turned it down for $200 worth of Flooz.com dollars. He said he already had a laptop and didn't need one.

• The Best & Worst Stern Show Moments. 1/25/00. 8:05am
  Howard had some tapes of some musical performances on the show.. not by musicians but by cast members. He played 5 tapes and wanted Robin to pick out the worst one. Here are the 5 clips he played:
  • Howard on steel drums for ''Rhythm of the Night''
  • Mike Gange sings Van Halen
  • Howard sings the Foo Fighters ''Everlong''
  • Gary on trumpet for ''Rhythm of the Night''
  • Howard sings backup/keyboards on ''You Get Me High'' with The Losers
  Robin and Howard agreed that Mike Gange singing a Van Halen song was the worst out of all of those clips. KC kept saying that he could sing a song so Howard let him do it. He thought KC was going to sing ''Everlong'' but he sang his own song ''Putting A Hamster Down My Trousers''. Howard thought it wasn't too bad but kicked him out shortly after he sang it.

  Howard had some tape of homeless people that he wanted Robin to hear. He wanted her to pick out the funniest one. Howard played about 6 clips. Each one had a homeless person either rambling about Howard or singing something unintelligible. Most of them were pretty funny.

• Gary Talks About Urban Legends. 1/25/00. 8:20am
  Gary came in to kill some time this morning. He had a bunch of urban legends from this book ''Urban Legends: The Truth Behind All Those Deliciously Entertaining Myths That Are Absolutely, Positively, 100% Not True''. He went through about 15 different stories that people tell others which turn out not to be true. I think Gary was doing this so Howard could save his voice this morning.. A couple of examples are:
  • Super Leap Year - every 400 years another day is added to February to give it 30 days. This story is not true.
  • Phil Collins song ''In the Air Tonight'' is not about his brother getting shot. He never had a brother.
  • The story about a couple going down to Jamaica, getting all of their stuff stolen except for their toothbrushes and camera, going home, getting the film developed and finding out that the thieves had the toothbrushes shoved up their asses - Not true.
  Gary spent about 20 minutes on a lot more of these stories. He told them so quickly that I was unable to keep up. If you want to see them all you can pick up Richard Roeper's ''Urban Legends'' book.

• The Best Of Stern. 1/26/00.
  Yesterday Howard said he was getting the flu once again and felt like he was going to puke. He was off the air by 9:45. Today he wasn't in so we were stuck with some old ''Best Of'' material. Here's what we heard:
  • Gary sings ''I've Got Big Teeth In The Morning Sun'' to the tune of ''Sittin On The Dock Of The Bay''
  • Hank the dwarf rambles aimlessly about nothing
  • ''Howard's Hot Dog'' jingle
  • Stuttering John interviews Bob Costas
  • The fiance of a Stern fan calls in to tell Howard about the death of her fiance
  • ''Mayberry '93: The Monster of Mayberry'' bit
  • Black Jeopardy with Bawannabe Jones and Malcolm F
  • Howard complains about getting a memo about his guests leaving the lobby a mess after a great show
  • Regina, Charlie and Keith play Stern show trivia in a Jeopardy-like game
  • Howard and Gary argue and discuss Gary's upcoming marriage

• Howard's 24 Hour Virus. 1/27/00. 6:05am
  Howard was out sick yesterday with a 24 hour virus. He said he left the show early on Tuesday, went home and went to bed. He said he was in bed by 10am and in bed until 9am the next morning. He said he'd wake up once in a while and watch some of his ''Batman Beyond '' DVD then fall back asleep. His doctor, Dr. Bob Baker, told him to drink lots of Gatorade to rehydrate himself. Howard is now a big fan of Gatorade. He was pushing the stuff all morning as he told Robin how it helped him get through his about with the 24 hour virus. He claims that he lost 9 pounds in that one day also. He went from 209 pounds down to 200 that quick. Robin found it funny how Howard has fallen in love with this Gatorade stuff. She thinks it looks disgusting.

• The Howard Stern Roast Coming Soon. 1/27/00. 7:20am
  Howard was mentioning some of the upcoming things on the show and he mentioned a Howard Stern Roast. Jackie and Gary are going to roast Howard about his separation and other things. Gary said he's been preparing for this by reading The Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes. He said the book contains sections on noses and divorces so he'll put together an act to goof on Howard. Jackie will also do something but he just pulls the jokes out of his pot-filled head. Robin said that Gary wanted some real comedians to roast Howard at his birthday show but they all turned it down. Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock were both asked and decided not to do the roast. The roast should be coming up in the near future.

• Howard Visits ExamCam.com. 1/27/00. 7:20am
  Howard made a quick mention of this web site that shows you close up pictures of gynecological exams. He read off some of the description and looked at some pictures before moving on to the next segment. The site was called ExamCam.com

• Big Black Calls In With Tape Of Kathie Lee. 1/27/00. 7:25am
  Howard was talking about watching Kathie Lee Gifford and George Hamilton while he was out sick yesterday. He said they were telling a story about how they went out with Rosie O'Donnell to eat and how Rosie is on a diet and is losing a whopping 2 pounds a week. That led to Big Black calling in with tape of Kathie Lee singing a song on Rosie's show. Kathie Lee is in some Broadway play. Howard also mentioned that their plan to buy up all of the tickets for one show and fill up the audience with Stern fans has gone down the tubes. He said the theater was on to them and squashed all efforts to buy tickets. That probably happened because Howard talked about it on the air a few too many times. Howard went on to goof on Kathie Lee and Rosie O'Donnell for a few minutes.

• Jackie True - False Game. 1/27/00. 7:45am
  Howard took a call from a teamster from the Chicago area. The guy asked if he could play a game while he was on the phone. Howard wasn't really prepared to do a game but he liked the guy's accent so he let him play. KC came in with a few True - False questions about Jackie. The guy had to get 3 out of 5 correct to win a laptop computer. Here are the questions:
  • Jackie once went to jail because he didn't have the money to pay for a speeding ticket. - True
  • Jackie once made pot brownies and gave them to the college faculty. - False
  • Jackie owns a patent. - False
  • Jackie was born after his parents were married only 7 months. - True
  • Jackie's Boy Scout counselor offered him $1 a minute to fellate him. - True
  The caller got 3 of the 5 correct so he won the laptop. Jackie went on to tell Howard a little bit about his Boy Scout counselor. He said he doesn't remember exactly what the guy said to him but he did offer him a buck a minute to fellate him. Jackie turned it down of course. He was in 6th grade at the time.

• Howard Plays More ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'' 1/27/00. 8:05am
  Earlier in the week Howard was playing his ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' CD Rom. Today he was reading the ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'' book trying to figure out some of the answers. He said that a lot of the $100 questions are really hard. He and the rest of the crew went through a bunch of them and they really aren't that easy to get right. One question was about some character in a book by some author that Howard hasn't ever heard of. He didn't know the answer about which hotel Eloise lives in. Everyone was also talking about how dopey some of the contestants are on the TV show. One guy recently got the first $100 question wrong when he thought that Little Jack Horner pulled a blackbird out of a pie. Howard was also trying to figure out how much money Regis must be getting for doing that show. Gary later came in with a report that says he was getting $100,000 an episode but he's pushing to get $250,000 now. Howard said he wants his own game show now for that type of money.

• The Touch Tone Terrorists Phony Phone Calls. 1/27/00. 8:40am
  Howard said he had a really funny phony phone call to play from a CD he heard. First he brought up the infamous Captain Janks and how he wasn't invited to his big birthday show. Stuttering John said Janks is really bummed that he wasn't invited to the show. Gary explained that they didn't have all that many seats in the place and they were very limited on the number of guests that were allowed in. People were surprised that Kenneth Keith Kallenbach was invited and Janks wasn't. Gary thought that they were going to goof on Kenneth and ask him why he's funnier than other people but they never got to that. Janks is still a part of the show more often than Kenneth so he should have been invited.

  Howard moved on and played this one call from the Touch Tone Terroists CD that was pretty funny. The call was a woman looking for a package she was supposed to get from a delivery service. The call sounded kind of set up because it sounded like she made the call to them and they just goofed on her. They told her that one of the mail room guys may have set fire to her package. They transferred her to the guy and he pretended to be a drunk guy. She then demanded to speak to his supervisor and they transferred her again. She then went on to yell at the ''supervisor'' about the other guy being drunk. He told her it was a Saturday and she should give the guy a break. The call went on for a couple of minutes. Howard and the gang thought it was pretty funny.

• Killing Time. 1/27/00. 9:05am
  Howard spent the rest of the show taking a few phone calls to kill some time. He spoke to Chaunce Hayden from Steppin' Out Magazine for a couple of minutes also. Chaunce said he got to see the preview version of the new ''Son of the Beach'' TV show that Howard's production company is producing. Howard is pissed that the show is being shown to so many people before it's finished. Chaunce just did an interview with the cast of the show so that's why he got to see the preview. He told Howard that he didn't think he'd like the show when he saw it. After seeing it though, he said it was the funniest thing he's seen. He said that the star of the show, Tim Stack, is really good in it. The show isn't set to air until March but it's getting a lot of good press already.

• Various Stuff. 1/28/00. 6:40am
  Howard spent the first part of the morning just killing time with some phone calls and talking with the guys. He spent some time talking about a couple of awards he's received lately. He got one along with his new affiliate down in Atlantic City for being the Personality of the Year. Another award was offered to him from some thing out in Los Angeles. They offered to fly Howard out to Palm Springs in May. He's thinking of doing it but he's not sure yet.

  The subject of Stuttering John came up during the various discussions. Gary said that John looks like Bozo the clown today because his hair has grown so long and he didn't wash it this morning. He slept on it last night so it just sticks out two feet in each direction. Then we learned that John has become buddies with some of the parking attendants where he parks his car every day. He's such good friends with them that he actually borrows money from them. Howard spent a couple of minutes trying to figure that one out. John says he's invited the guy to his parties and even hung out with him at a Billy Joel concert. He gave the guy tickets to the concert as a tip one time.

  The conversation soon changed to childhood masturbation. Howard brought up how he tried to masturbate when he was around 9 but he just ended up peeing all over his parents bed. Gary said the first time he went off was with a wet dream. Stuttering John said when he was young he used to mark on a calendar when he did it and had to limit it to one time a week. Sometimes we learn a little too much.

• Captain Janks Calls In. 1/28/00. 7:15am
  Phony phone caller Captain Janks called in this morning to play a new phony phone call for Howard. Howard first took a couple of minutes to apologize to Janks for him not being invited to Howard's big birthday party. Gary once again said that he was really limited in the number of people he could invite and Janks was an oversight. Howard then made a promise to Janks. He said that next year, if there is a next year for Howard, Janks will be invited and will be sitting up on stage with the whole crew. Janks told Howard that he was taping him so he's got proof of the offer. Janks also pointed out how he wasn't as upset about not being invited as some other people (Larry Melrose Green) who get pissed and go on the competition's show. Howard said that Melrose is out of his life now. Woo Hoo!.. Sorry, I had to throw that in there. Melrose went on Mancow's show and said some stuff about Howard, now he's off the show for good.

  Howard then moved on and let Janks play his call. Janks called the local Philadelphia FOX TV station during a recent snow storm and pretended to be a D.O.T. official. He told the anchors that the road crews were clearing off the snowy roads so people could be home in time to see the Howard Stern show. The one anchor ended the call and pointed out that it wasn't the D.O.T. official, it was Captain Janks. Check out Janks' web site to hear the call yourself.

  Howard then replayed some of the Touch Tone Terroists phony phone calls that he played yesterday.

• Spider-Man And Millionaire. 1/28/00. 7:35am
  Howard brought up this Spider-Man movie that is supposed to be made in the next year or so. He read about it in some magazine and had a short discussion about who should play Spider-Man. In the article he read it mentioned Leonardo DiCaprio, Freddie Prinz Jr. and Ben Affleck as just a couple of the possible actors to play the part. Howard said Leo wouldn't be too bad but Freddie Prinz Jr. Shouldn't do it and neither should Ben Affleck. Howard also suggested that Matt Damon or Ed Norton could play the part pretty well. Ralph was throwing in his two cents during this also. He's just as into comic books as Howard if not more. He was even complaining about the villains they picked to be in the movie. He said Sandman shouldn't be in it, they should use the Green Goblin instead.

  Howard also said he watched Who Wants to be a Millionaire last night. He brought up this one kid Dan Doody who screwed up a fairly easy question. It was ''What state has the motto 'Live Free or Die'?'' The dude asked the audience and 51% of them picked New Hampshire as the correct answer. Doody's logic told him otherwise and he ended up going for Massachusetts. Even Howard knew that the correct answer was New Hampshire.

• Joe Cancer Plays The Gossip Game. 1/28/00. 8:05am
  Joe Cancer came in this morning to play a quick Gossip Game with Mike Walker. Howard didn't spend much time talking to Joe, probably because he's hard to understand, so he quickly got Mike Walker on the phone. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
  • Drew Barrymore threw a sleep over party with her ''Charlie's Angels'' co-stars Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu. She ordered pizza and when the guy showed up the three of them flashed him.
  • ''Green Mile'' star Michael Clark Duncan used to give people a dollar bill if they knew his full name. He's now upped it to $5 since the movie was a hit.
  • Since producing so many flops, Kevin Costner has lost one of his movie set perks. He used to have an empty movie studio for whacking golf balls, he no longer has access to that.
  • ''Friends'' star Matthew Perry, a very good paddle tennis player, lost to a woman. It turned out someone hired the pro to beat him at the game.
  Joe and Robin both picked number 1 as the false story. Howard picked number 3 while Jackie and Fred both picked number 2. The actual false story was number three. Howard was the only one to get it correct this morning.

  After the game Howard spent a little while talking to Joe Cancer. Joe's not plugging anything because he doesn't have anything to plug. The only appearance he's making is at his home. He doesn't even have a job. Howard tried to talk him in to getting a job bagging groceries or something. Joe doesn't really think he wants to do that though. Howard then said that they had this gymnast chick who wants breast implants and she's willing to do anything for them. He thought that maybe he could get her to do something to Joe. A bronsky was suggested but then Howard thought that maybe she could lick his cancer hole instead.

• Erica Wants Implants. 1/28/00. 8:20am
  This 21 year old gymnast Erica came in to try and get implants this morning. She said that she's no longer competing in gymnastics after breaking her arm. Robin had asked her if the implants would stop her from doing gymnastics but since she's now out of it, it doesn't matter. She said that all she has is a 33 A-cup and she wants implants so she looks more like a woman. Howard said ''..a 33-a? Did you compete as a boy or a girl?'' Most people in the studio thought that she could use a little bit more breast but Howard thought that she looked fine. Even after Erica took off her shirt and showed him her breasts he said she shouldn't screw them up. Her body was really tight and she was cute so he didn't think she needed anything. He's afraid that she'll ruin her body by getting implants that are too big. Howard said that if she just got a full A or a small B-cup he'd approve. Howard put off his decision because he had to get to LL Cool J. He told her to go get in a bikini so they could think of something for her to do to earn the implants.

  Erica came in later in the show but they still hadn't decided on what to do with her. They had her doing some gymnastic stunts and stuff in the mean time. They were running out of time because it was after 10 so they told her to come back Monday and they have her do something bizarre.

• LL Cool J Calls In. 1/28/00. 8:30am
  Actor / Rap star LL Cool J called in with an exclusive this morning. Howard said he was calling in to talk about this cousin of his that allegedly stole some money from this camp that LL was running. First Howard spoke to LL about how they saw each other out in Los Angeles recently. Howard said that LL had given him the ''secret hand shake'' that all black guys give to each other. He also spent some time talking about the first time they met in an elevator and how uncomfortable it was. Howard then moved on to talk about this movie ''Any Given Sunday'' that LL is appearing in. Howard heard some stories about LL and his co-star Jamie Foxx. He heard that the two of them got in a fight and LL beat the crap out of Jamie. LL straightened out the story and told Howard what really happened. The two of them were filming a scene in the movie where they were arguing. LL was being a little too rough for Jamie so Jamie hit LL. LL's natural reaction was to hit him back so he ended up busting up his lip. It was a one time thing and he doesn't have anything against Jamie. Howard asked if Jamie cried and LL said ''Yeah, a little bit..''

  Then Howard got around to the story that he was taking the call for. LL explained to Howard how he had this camp for underprivileged kids. He would take kids from around the country and send them to this camp at a cost of $300-500 per kid. His cousin was handling the finances and last year he decided to take a year off from it. His cousin allegedly didn't take the break. According to LL she kept it going but no kids went to camp so she allegedly took some money that wasn't hers. He didn't want to talk about it too much because he's going to bring her to court over the whole thing. Howard wrapped things up after that discussion.

• Sal The Stockbroker Comes In. 1/28/00. 9:15am
  Sal the Stockbroker, known best for goofing on Gary the horsetooth jackass, came in to promote his new band Facial this morning. Of course most of his segment was spent goofing on Gary. He tried to give Gary an Altoid mint at one point but Gary got very aggressive and must have pushed him away. All Sal wanted to do was compare the nice white mint to Gary's not-so-white teeth. Gary eventually took the mint and spit it at Sal. Sal made a lot of monkey / banana jokes about Gary. He then got to plug a couple of things. He said that he got a part in ''The Sopranos'' as a waiter and said he has two lines in it. He's not sure if the scene will be cut though. He's also pushing this band Facial. He said tomorrow he'll be at CBGB's performing and Hank the dwarf will be there with them.

  Sal had also prepared a song about Gary to play live this morning. Sal picked up a guitar and played a song parody to the Foo Fighters ''Everlong''. His guitar playing was surprisingly good. Of course the parody was about Gary's breath and how it smells like a monkey's ass. It was pretty funny but Howard put a stop to it pretty quick. Gary said he wasn't going to fight with Sal anymore today, he'd just let Sal's new music speak for itself. Howard then played one of Facial's songs. It sounded kind of like a mix of Anthrax, Limp Bizkit and Iron Maiden. The first words of the song were ''Twinkle twinkle little star'' and it didn't get much better than that.

  Everyone agreed that the song sucked. Howard took a bunch of phone calls and everyone pretty much hated the song also. Sal brushed it off saying that he expected everyone to hate it because that's the nature of the show. He said that he's had some positive feedback about the music from a couple of record people so he doesn't care what they say on the show. Howard didn't really say much at first so Sal had to ask him what he thought. Howard basically said it was pretty bad. You can find out more about Sal's band at FacialBand.com

• Super Bowl Bets. 1/28/00. 10:25am
  Howard didn't think he was going to get around to betting on the Super Bowl but he did.. at 10:25 this morning. The bets were fast and furious and ranged from who will win the game to who will score first. There was no way for me to keep up with all of the bets but I can say that Howard favored St. Louis with most of his bets. Stuttering John was threatened about having the money with him on Monday because in the past he's been a little late delivering the cash. Howard told him that if he doesn't bring it in he has to get in his underwear and have mayonnaise smeared on his ass while they throw bologna at him. Everyone was in on the betting including Tom Chiusano and bloated attorney Dominic Barbara.