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Playboy Cyber Club
(Just about everything)
Howard started the show singing. That led to Fred playing a Baba Booey song parody. Howard said it looked like Robin didn't want to talk today. Robin said she was trying. Howard said that song was Ninja Booey from Daniel Mendelssohn. He played some more of that. Robin thought the song would be good to play at Gary's funeral. Gary said he likes that she thinks that she'll be at his funeral.
Howard said his dad is 89 years old and he's going strong. He said as he was growing up his parents just stopped hanging out with friends. He said he was on the phone with his mom doing the counting of the dead. He said she was telling him about who died. Howard did his impression of her and had her telling him about the people who had passed away. Howard said she does the counting of the living and she's down to four. She said it's his mother and father and some friends of theirs. He can't remember the names. Howard said he hopes he's not getting the names wrong.
Robin asked if they live in New York. Howard said they live all over New York. He said they met them living in different places.
Howard said it's very depressing to do the counting of the dead. Howard said they had a good conversation about what a great mother his mother was. Howard said she does her own eulogy. Howard said he'll mention something that will set her off. Howard did his impression of his mother again talking about how she raised them to be strong and independent. Howard said she's so wrong about that. He said the only reason he functions is that his parents didn't have any money and he had to go out and make it. Howard said he usually gets a good 10 minutes of her philosophy of how it all went down.
Howard said that he's learned in therapy that his mother is the center of the whole thing and his father barely matters. Howard said his sister functions pretty well and he's the only fucked up one.
Howard said he had everyone on board for a Thanksgiving dinner and then his daughter had to drop out because she has class the day he wanted to do it. Howard said he doesn't know what to do now. He said he just wants to go back to bed.
Robin said Howard is making too big of a deal out of the whole thing. Howard said he likes to have everything perfect.
Howard said he was reading about this Lou Reed and Metallica album. Howard said they predict that it will sell under 15,000 albums. Howard said he'd like to know why they'd get involved in that. He said he played some of the song last week and heard how bad it was. Howard said Richard has a friend who sounds just like that Metallica and Lou Reed song. Howard played some of that and it was kind of similar. Then he replayed some of the Metallica and Lou Reed song. Fred played some Beavis and Butt-Head laughing after playing the song.
Howard played more of Richard's friend and compared it to Lou Reed and Metallica. Howard said he could do this. He said he should be in a band.
Howard said they say on the 93.3 MMR web site that they're predicting that the album is going to sell only 15,000 albums.
Howard said that they're going to miss Joe on the show if this stuff is true. Howard said that they just had him on the show not that long ago too. Robin said Joe is an amazing guy and he really loved them too. She said he showed up to her Philly book signing. Howard said his son's were great too.
Howard said he wanted to play something related to Joe so he played a prank call the guys made using clips of Joe. They called an auto repair shop. They had Joe saying a bunch of unintelligible stuff to the guy and the guy had no idea what he was trying to tell him. Howard said that was the great Joe Frazier and he's apparently battling for his life.
Robin said she saw a story about a 90-something year old couple that died within an hour of each other. Robin said they were holding hands when they died. Howard said he got into that whole thing wondering where Andy is right now. He said he's with Steve Jobs where he says that it's like an on off switch with your body. He said once you're gone, you're gone. Robin said you can't destroy energy though. Howard said he thinks you can.
Howard got Brett on the line and said he understands that his movie did pretty well. Brett said he's pretty proud of that. He thanked Howard for defending the industry earlier. He said he got pissed at King of All Blacks for buying bootlegs and he appreciates that. Howard said he's a fan of movies and that whole industry and he doesn't want to see what happened to the music industry happen to the film industry.
Brett told Howard that the box office has been dropping and dropping and they're trying to justify how to pay the big salaries. Brett said they're doing video on demand things now and they're trying to do what they can to stop the bootlegging.
Brett said that if you can buy a bootleg on the street for a dollar or two then they're not going to go to the theater and pay 10.
Howard asked Brett about this Michael Jackson story. He said that it sounded unfunny to him. Brett said that's his fault. He said that he was trying to do an entertaining story and he heard Howard talking about it. He said he watched it again and thought about it. Brett said that the guy walking on the street wasn't really a homeless guy and he may have been a surfer. Brett said that he did say that it was ''like'' a homeless guy. Brett said he has to watch out what he says and he doesn't want to defame Michael. Howard said he likes that he defamed him. Howard said he doesn't like his music. Robin said Howard is one alone. Howard asked Fred if he liked it. Fred said he did. Fred said it wasn't his style but he does appreciate his craft.
Howard said Michael is a pussy. He said if he had any balls he would have gotten out of the car and thrown it. Brett said that all practical jokes are demeaning in some way. Brett said that Howard throws baloney at women's asses. Howard said she was a consenting adult though. Brett just laughed.
Howard said this girl Olivia Munn wrote a book and she wrote about a guy she was with but didn't name him. She was talking about what a tiny dig he had and how he was eating shrimp while he was jerking off to her. Howard said Brett came out and said that she was referring to him. Brett said that he gets really caught up in this stuff when he's out promoting.
Brett said he was on Attack of the Show and they asked him what he thought about what Olivia had written about him in the book. He said that Olivia is a friend of his and he should have said he doesn't eat shrimp when he's jerking off. He said the problem is that he confused her with someone else and said he banged her 3 times. He said he never did bang her. Brett said she's a very talented actress. Howard saw a picture of her and said she is hot. Brett said the whole thing was a misunderstanding. He said they straightened it out.
Howard said Brett banged Lindsay Lohan too. Brett said he can't talk about all of that stuff. Howard asked if he jerked off with shrimp in front of her too. Brett said he did not. Howard asked if Brett is fearful for his life. Brett said he takes girls to the doctor before he'll have sex with them. He said he has them checked out for everything.
Howard asked how he gets someone like Lindsay Lohan to go to the doctor. Brett said that he was with her before she was really Lindsay Lohan. He had her when she was like 19 or so. He said she wasn't underage or anything.
Brett told Howard that Lindsay has a great acting ability. He said she's like Robert Downey Jr. in that way. He said they're so smart that they're almost bored. He said Charlie Sheen is like that too. He said Charlie was telling him how unhappy he was one day and he wondered why. Brett said that Charlie told him that he really wanted to be a baseball player but he fell into acting. Brett told Howard that these people get bored in their job and that's why all of this stuff goes on.
Howard asked Brett how he breaks it to the girls when he wants them to go to the doctor. Brett said he doesn't like condoms and he has to do it without one. Howard said he risks having babies with them if he does that. Brett said he pulls out. Howard asked if he's afraid of drippage. Brett said he had a girlfriend for 13 years and never got her pregnant. He said that was Rebecca Gayhart. He said that when he turned 40 he realized he had never gotten one pregnant. He said he went to the doctor and he asked how his sperm was. He said the doctor told him he had never seen a sperm count like his. He said he had 10 times the sperm count that's average. He said that he was told if he just breathed on a girl he could get her pregnant. Brett said he now wears condoms all the time. He said it's crazy that he never got a girl pregnant.
Howard said he had his testosterone tested and it was through the roof. He said he has a little penis and little balls but huge testosterone. He said he has a huge load too.
Howard asked Brett about when he's with Lindsay how he works that out. Brett told Howard that he's an expert at cunnilingus. He said he knows he's good because the women cry.
Howard said they say that guys are getting HPV because of cunnilingus. Brett said if that's the case he's a dead man. Howard told Brett about the studies that they've done and how they found that throat cancer can be caused by the HPV thing. Brett said he knows a guy who got throat cancer and he was told it could be from eating too much pussy. Brett said he thought he had it himself. He said they went to the doctor and they told him that he wouldn't die from it if he did have it. He said that's what Michael Douglas had too. Howard said he smoked though.
Howard asked Brett why he likes eating pussy so much. He said it seems like a desperation thing. Brett said he doesn't know. He said that you're either a giver or a taker and he likes to please people. He said it's also part of his ego. He said you really have to be in love with a girl to fuck her. Howard asked if he's ever paid for sex. Brett said he's never done that.
Howard asked Brett when he brings the girls to the doctor. Brett said he tries to do that on the first day he meets them.
Howard asked why the relationship with Lindsay ended. Brett said he was fucking a couple of women at the time and Lindsay found out. He said that they had been dating a few months and she stopped calling him out of nowhere. Brett said he doesn't drink or do drugs or anything like that. He said he doesn't even take aspirin. Howard asked if she has red pussy hair. Brett said she doesn't have any hair down there. He said he's not into that either. He said he needs to see some hair down there and the bigger the better. Brett said when he was a kid his mom took him to a nudist colony and he was looking for bush the rest of his life. Howard said his dad had to call him in to help him part the hairs on his mom.
Brett said he'll ask a woman to grow hair down there and if she says she was lasered down there he'll have to break up.
Howard asked Brett about banging Lindsay and what happened. Brett said he had just had a party at his house for Victoria's Secret and he had the party. He said that's how he got this girl. He said that one of the models met her future husband at that party. Charlie Sheen met a woman there that he ended up marrying too. Howard asked if the girls are perfect and how he keeps himself from falling in love. Brett's never been married. Brett said this girl's English wasn't very good. He said he did date her though. He did that for a few years.
Brett told Howard he was at the house and all of a sudden the gate rings. He said on the TV was Lindsay on camera at the gate. Brett said he was sound asleep and this model asked who that was. Brett said he told her to ignore it. Brett said Lindsay memorized the gate code and came into the house. He said he heard shoes clunking into the living room and he heard her knock at the door. Brett said he whispering to the model and telling her to not say anything because he didn't want her to know he was home.
Brett said Lindsay picked up the phone in the living room and she saw the model's shoes at the front door. Lindsay got on the intercom and said ''I know there's a girl in there and I'm not leaving until you come out.''
Howard said he could have had both of them at the same time. Brett said that she wasn't a lesbian at that time. Brett said that the girl got so pissed off at Lindsay after that. He said that she chased her out of the house and that's why he dated her for a few years after that. Brett said that they were yelling at each other and threatening to call the police. Lindsay was threatening to call immigration. He said Lindsay was breaking all of his lamps outside the house. He said that's when it ended. He said that they stay in touch now but they stopped dating after that.
Howard asked if he's told Lindsay to get her shit together. Brett said he hasn't had the chance to do that but he thinks that she could have a great career if she did. Robin told him that he's very optimistic.
Howard asked how Brett breaks up with chicks. Brett said that he has no idea. He said he's the worst. He said he gets them to hate him so much that he pushes them away. Howard said he was on a mini-tear for a while and he wanted to get out and experience a bunch of people. Brett said he'll tell a woman that she's the only one for him. He said once you say that you're in love it's over.
Brett said he wants to have kids too. Robin asked why he doesn't just go ahead and have some. Brett said he hasn't found someone who he thinks would be a great mom. Robin said he shouldn't bother then. She said if he waits for that it's never going to happen.
Howard asked Brett if he's ever had a woman go to the doctor and come back with something bad. Brett said it was twice. He said one had Chlamydia and one had herpes. He said he's so glad he didn't get the herpes. He said that Chlamydia isn't so bad. He said that he knows some guys who get away with fucking all the time and they never get anything. Robin said they're just lucky. Brett said there are some guys are out there who have their balls clipped so they don't knock up any of these chicks.
Howard asked if Brett gets the medical report about the girls. Brett said that the girls have to give permission to the doctor to give him the results. He said he won't let them go to their doctor. He said he doesn't trust them on that. Brett said he really doesn't want herpes. He said the funny thing is that everyone has herpes. He said he doesn't want it though. Howard said he has to get girls from another land.
Howard said he's excited about this Academy Awards thing with Eddie Murphy. Brett told Howard that Eddie plays off the person who is interviewing him. He said that he did really well with Jimmy Fallon. Brett said when he was out doing press he loved doing it. He said he's not going to choke in front of a billion people on the Academy Awards. Brett said that you can't twist someone's arm into doing it either. Brett said he asked him if he wanted to do it and Eddie was really into it.
Howard asked if he has to pay Eddie to do something like that. Brett said that it's the best job in the world. He said you can't put an actor up there and expect them to be funny reading their lines. Howard said a lot of people in Hollywood think they can do this kind of thing. Brett said that people tell them how great they are and they believe they can do anything.
Brett said that he was at a party being told how great his movie was and he had to get out of there because he was going to start believing it.
Howard asked Brett what else he has lined up. He asked if he has anything he can appear in. Brett was telling Howard he should do another movie of his own. Howard said he needs something other than that type of project.
Howard and Robin asked about Eddie and what kind of pussy he's getting. Brett said it's amazing and he's his hero. Howard said he had that Spice girl that he knocked up. They ended up getting married but it turned out it wasn't legal wherever they had it.
Robin asked she noticed that Eddie was listened as a producer. Brett said that the whole movie was Eddie's idea. Robin said she didn't know that. Howard told her that Ben Stiller told them about that last week.
Howard said he thinks that Brett has to come in there because they have a lot to talk about. Howard asked if he has ever come close to falling in love with any actresses. Brett said he really hasn't.
Brett said he did fall in love with Rebecca Gayhart. He said he lost his virginity to her actually. He said he was 17 and she was 15.
Howard asked Brett who the best director is. Brett said it's still Steven Spielberg. Howard asked when he started directing. Brett said he started at 8. He told Howard some stories about the stuff he has directed over the years. Brett told Howard about hanging out with Russell Simmons and how he got work through him. Brett said that the day his first video made it to air on MTV was the day they started putting the director's name on the videos.
Howard asked Brett about going out with Madonna. Brett said that never happened. He said he's a germophobe so he didn't want to risk it.
Howard gave Brett some plugs for his movie ''Tower Heist'' which is out now. Howard let him go and mentioned that Chyna is there and they have to talk to her about what she's up to. Robin told Howard that she liked ''Tower Heist.'' She said it was kind of slow in the start but it got good once Eddie came on the screen.
Howard said Eddie did every other show but he didn't come in there. Howard said he's kind of bummed about that. Robin said she thought he had only done L.A. press but she was wrong about that. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Chyna is there and she used to be the WWE superstar who is now a porn star. Howard said this is Joanie Laurer or Chyna. Howard asked Chyna how she is. She said she's good and she has missed Howard.
Howard said Chyna has shot her first porno. He said that she was on Celebrity Rehab and she claims that she didn't have a problem with drugs or alcohol and she just did it as a bit. She is drinking but she says she's drinking more carefully these days.
Howard asked why Chyna was kicked out of the WWE. Chyna said she got hired by a Japanese wrestling group and she went and did that for a while.
Howard asked Chyna how she got her name back. Chyna said she wrote to Vince McMahon and said she wanted to put everything aside personally. She said she heard back from him and he wasn't ready to do that but she did get some closure in all of that. She said it made her feel wonderful. Howard asked how she legally got the name. She said she went to court in 2007 and got the name back. She said she spent maybe $10,000 on it and she did it herself. Howard asked what her argument was. Chyna said that she didn't want to be steam rolled into the whole thing because they had her sidelined. Howard asked who owns the name. Chyna said it was more of a bully power factor. She said if she got another job then there was a bully saying no. She said she can use the name now.
Howard asked if she's billed as Chyna in this new porno she did. Chyna said she is. Howard asked if she's doing this for the money or does she want to be a porn star. Chyna said she wanted to go to Florida and just enjoy herself. She said she's not broke but she lives on fumes. She said that she doesn't owe anyone anything. Chyna said that she wanted to hold out and not go work for just anyone. She said she has more self esteem than that. She said she was trying to figure it all out. Chyna said she was living off of her Playboy money for a while.
Howard asked if she's the star of the neighborhood. She said she is. She has a studio apartment on Venice Beach and she can see the water from there. Howard asked if she has people pointing her out as their neighbor. She said that's not what it's like. She said they all help her out.
Howard asked Chyna about this porno she did and asked if she did anal. She said she did. Chyna said she gets kicked in the ass so why not. Howard asked if she was raped in the ass. Chyna said that she had that sex tape out and that turned into a mess. She wanted to knock that off the map and do something even crazier. Howard said Chyna claims that she didn't know that tape was being made back then.
Howard asked Chyna what kind of money she was making doing the wrestling. She said she was making $250,000 in her last year in the WWE. She said that she had to pay for her own hotel rooms and travel too. She said she's close to the $200,000 mark again. Howard asked if she has to make certain sales to get that money. She said she gets some kind of bonuses for selling a certain amount. She said that she's been selling out her DVDs when she has them for sale at events. Chyna said she was allowed to cast the whole movie so it was all up to her.
Chyna said she had never watched a porn before this movie. She said she doesn't masturbate to porn. She said she just masturbates to herself. She laughed when she said that. Chyna said she can see a porno in her head as she's fantasizing about that.
Chyna told Howard about doing the shoot for the movie and she had guys who were the size of tree trunks coming at her. She said that the guys were so big that it didn't work. Howard asked if she was wet or did she have to use lube. She said she had to use lube. She said the guys were too big and she did six scenes. She said it was a 3 day shoot. Howard asked if she had a girl lick her asshole. She said she did. Howard asked if she liked that. Chyna said she was thinking about that and how there was a tree trunk in her ass and this girl was licking it.
Howard asked Chyna if she has ever been with a woman before. Chyna said she had women approach her but this was her first experience with a woman. Howard asked if they had a big build up toward it. She said this movie was straight sex.
Howard asked if Chyna had to lick the other girl. She said it was kind of awkward. She said it was very clean and very pretty. She said she really didn't know what to do though. Chyna said she thinks that they liked it.
Howard asked Chyna how far up her ass this other girl went. Chyna said that it wasn't like that. It was just licking and fun. Howard asked if it was just the rim of her asshole. She said it was. Chyna said she fasted and did colonic's before the whole thing. She said she was paranoid about it.
Howard asked if the director asked her to make more noise in the scenes since she's usually pretty quiet. She said that she just wanted to do it like it was a real thing and not fake it. Chyna said that she just went with it.
Howard said he had a clip from the movie and you can hear the guy fucking her. Howard said he ends up turning her over doggy style and puts it in her anus. Chyna said that it fit in her ass but it was pretty big. She said that she had some trouble there. Howard asked if she got into it and got wet. Chyna said she didn't. She said that it was such an experience that she was like ''Oh... My god.'' Howard asked if she started to bleed at all. She said she did. Chyna said that she hadn't been screwed by anything like that before. Chyna said that the guy was so big.
Howard said the name of this movie is ''Back Door to Chyna.'' He played a clip of this guy Billy Glide banging her. She wasn't making much noise. She did make some subtle ones though. The guy was grunting and making weird noises as he was banging her. Howard said it was a lot of guy noise. Howard said you can get the movie at Vivid.com
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he did an interview with Chyna that's out now. He said that's called ''You Shoot With Chyna'' and they ask her about the video tape that she had out years ago. He said she describes it as a rape. Chyna said that he was violating her and taking her for all she was worth so she sees it as a rape. She said she didn't know she was being taped either.
Howard asked Chyna if the guys blow their loads on her face. Chyna said that people are asking her questions like that. She said she's never had a guy cum on her face. She said she would do that if a guy wanted to do that. She said they ask her if she'll do DP and if she'll take a load on her face.
Howard asked Chyna if she had any shit come out when she did anal. She said she didn't. Howard asked if she's watched this video. Chyna said she hasn't and she thinks it's kind of corny. She said she did it with Vivid so she wouldn't have to watch it after.
Howard asked Chyna about the load on her face thing. Chyna said she would be willing to do that but she doesn't want it in her eyes.
Howard asked Chyna about this escort thing that she's doing. She said she's not doing an escort thing. She said they were going to do a personal appearance thing but now she's going to go the Bunny Ranch and do some kooky things. Howard said she's saying that she will wrestle a guy there but it's going to be more than that. Chyna said she's not going to fuck a guy. She said it's just a wrestling thing. Howard said she could do that and maybe she'd be into it. Chyna said that maybe if the money was right she would do that.
Howard asked if she lives alone. Chyna said she does. Howard said people don't know that she's very intelligent. She's fluent in a few languages. She doesn't speak to her family though. Chyna said that she gave her sister power of attorney and that was a bad decision. She said she wanted to pay her taxes and phone bill and all of that. She's not even sure if her parents are alive. She said that she tried to call her dad recently and she wasn't able to find him. Chyna said she's kind of sad about that.
Howard asked what happened with her father. Chyna said she's really not sure. She said that she would like to talk to her dad but not to her mom. She said that her mom was very abusive. She said she was on her own at 15 years old. She said that her siblings were 10-12 years older than her and her mom wasn't even there for her. Chyna said that she doesn't speak to her sister either.
Howard gave Chyna some plugs for this porno and asked if she licked a guy's balls. She said she did that too. Howard asked who she trusts the most in her life. She said her friend Christian is the one. She said he's gay.
Howard took a call from Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer clips) who asked if he could suck her cock. It was actually Sal and Richard playing the clips.
Another caller asked if there was a chance that Chyna could sing for them again. Howard said she came in and sang a song for them years ago. Howard said she sang ''Holiday'' for them. Chyna said the band broke up. She was laughing as she told him about that. Howard said she claimed that the guy was her brother. Chyna was laughing uncontrollably. She wasn't even able to answer Howard. Chyna said she thought Howard was going to sign her that day. Fred played some of that performance. Chyna was still laughing her ass off. She laughed through the song as it played.
Howard said that they tell him that she's up for riding the Sybian. Chyna said she's all itchy and scratchy but she would do it. She said she did it on Playboy radio and at the Bunny Ranch. Howard sounded disappointed when he heard that. Chyna said that the Sybian is too much for her and it doesn't really do it.
Howard said Chyna is just about pants less this morning. He said that he can see her panties and things. He asked what she weighs now. She said she's at 162 pounds and she's been doing yoga for about 10 years now. She said she's still very big.
Howard took a call from someone named Joe. It was Sal and Richard playing Joe Frazier clips. They had Joe asking her to take something off for them. Howard asked her if she would do that. Chyna showed them her ass. Howard had a conversation with Joe and asked Chyna some questions he had for her. They had Joe saying that he had an operation a while back and mumbling something unintelligible. Howard asked Joe if he wanted to sing to Chyna. They had him sing ''Mustang Sally'' to her for about 2 seconds.
Howard wrapped up with Chyna and gave her some more plugs for her porno. She's going to be at Rick's Cabaret Thursday night too. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the break we heard a prank call Captain Janks made to a TV show as Bob Hope's manager where he said that Bob died choking on Howard Stern's ball sack. Fred also played Steve Miller Band ''Abracadabra'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and David Arquette said that was the song he was voted out to. Howard showed David how to dance and had him come over so he could show him how to dance. Howard said he's really a horrible dancer. Howard said that was fun dancing with him.
Howard said Colin Quinn is there and they have to get him in there. Howard said Colin is an old friend of the show. He said that he's been tweeting (@IAmColinQuinn)a lot lately.
Howard asked Colin if he knows David. Colin said he does. He said he saw him at a Hollywood bash a few years ago. He said he was at a party at Jennifer Aniston's new pad and David was there. Howard asked if he gets bitter and resentful about people like Jennifer Aniston. Howard said Colin has more talent in his pinkie than she does in her vagina and body. David said ''Aww... come on.'' Howard said that Colin must get upset about things like that.
Colin said he met Jennifer a couple of times and he thought there was a connection there. He said she saw him at the party and said ''Hello... friend.'' He said he had met her before and she didn't remember him.
Howard said he was at a party with David and Courteney once and he felt he had a connection with Courteney. He said that it turns out David has that connection with him.
Howard asked Colin if he's still single. Colin said he is. Howard said Colin's marriage didn't work out because his wife found out that he was fucking around on the internet so that was the end of it.
Howard said Colin's twitter is very strange. He said he read what he was writing about Colonel Gaddafi. He said Colin said that Colin was tweeting about what a great man Gaddafi was. Howard said it was obvious he was joking but people took him seriously. Colin said they were writing him death threats. He said he was talking about what a great man he was and how Troy Davis, a cop killer, was innocent. He said that people were telling him he was right about that and threatening him over the Gaddafi thing.
Howard said Colin has taken to the internet over the years. He said that he's using it as part of his business. Colin said it's getting him into the same trouble he got into in his marriage. Howard asked if he uses it to meet women. Colin said he uses it to harass people and get violent responses.
Howard asked David if he uses it for women. David doesn't either. Howard asked Colin about the latest tweets about Will Ferrall. Colin claimed that he ran the show while Lorne Michaels was sick. Howard asked if that was true. Colin said that it isn't true.
Howard said Colin also said Will Ferrall stole his idea for Anchor Man. Colin said he got into trouble for that. He was joking around but his people called and asked him to stop Tweeting about him. He said he was writing about Will being on drugs. He said he was making it all up. Colin said he wrote this stuff about him winning a Mark Twain award and he just kept it going and it got into more detail. He said that he wrote about him being on drugs and things and people started going off on him. Howard said people read this stuff and take him seriously. Colin said that every media outlet took him seriously and that was infuriating.
Howard asked Colin about going to Jennifer Aniston's house and if that makes him crazy. He said it can. Howard asked if it makes him crazy that Ronnie the Limo Driver is being flown out to L.A. to walk the red carpet for FOX. Colin said he'd like to rewrite that show and call it ''Two and a Quarter Men.'' He said he walked in today and didn't see Ronnie coming. He said he heard him talking about him and Ronnie came out asking if they were talking about him. Howard said he has no personality and the little that he does have is horrible. Colin said it's so funny though. He said he's going to be a horrible actor and he hopes that he gets a job acting.
Colin said maybe they'll put him on Whitney. Howard said there seems to be a backlash against Whitney over her sitcom. Colin said that he has nothing against her. He was just using her as a reference.
Colin said that he loves watching Ronnie and he finds himself thinking about him too much. Howard asked if he thinks that a Ronnie show would work. Colin said he imagines him in a show with JD as his sidekick. He said he'd produce that show.
Howard asked Colin about his one man show and what's going on with that. Colin said it's going to be on DVD soon. Colin said that's not why he's there today. He's there to plug a benefit show he's doing for Mike DeStefano. He said he died last year and he was only like 41. He said that he died of a heart attack.
Howard asked what they're raising the money for. Colin said it's for his foundation. Colin said he just did a benefit out in Los Angeles for Peter Boyle's foundation. Howard asked if he ever turns down a foundation. Colin said he never does. HE's on the benefit circuit.
Howard asked if he was upset when Gaddafi died. Colin said he was kind of upset. He said it was like the last of the great dictators. Howard said he was obsessed when he read about these celebrities who had done concerts for these dictators. Howard said that Hillary Swank had gone to Chechen president's event. Howard said he thinks that people like that should know what events they're going to and who they're performing for.
Colin said that Gaddafi was big in the black community. Howard said he's right about that. He said they went out and interviewed some people about Gaddafi and they found some black women who were upset he was gone. Howard tried to find the clip to play but it wasn't where they told him it was.
Howard asked Colin what he's doing these days. Colin said he was in the Hampton's doing his show. He said he thinks that Howard is a fake Jew because he doesn't go out to shows and stuff. He said he never came out to see his show. Howard said things were tough growing up and everything has been a struggle. Howard said his mother knows how to pick a neighborhood. He said he came out of Roosevelt and they wanted to move to Freeport. Howard said he wanted to live with white people just for once. Howard said he wanted to live in Merrick Long Island. Colin said that's kind of like Rockville Centre. He said he'd have to live on the north shore. Howard said his parents didn't have the money to live up there.
Howard said Colin was all work and this has been the year of Colin Quinn. Colin said he needs someone like David to help him out. He said he has some screenplays that he needs read. David said they have about 4 projects in the works right now. He said they have a game show and a few sitcoms in the works. Colin said he has works of art he needs to be made.
Howard said David clams up when he goes to parties. He said he must have Aspburgers or something. Howard asked if he was more comfortable in his own skin when he was drinking. David said he doesn't know about that.
Colin said he has some money behind this project. He said he might need a few more million. David asked why he needs more millions. Colin asked what kind of producer asks ''why do you need more millions.''
David said that he has to make a movie that he likes and make money with it, then you can make any movie you want to make.
David said that Colin had said something about him and his wife and they had an issue with that. He said that Colin had predicted that their marriage wouldn't last. He said he guesses he's right now but back then it wasn't right. David said he didn't know that it was just a joke. He said even when Howard was reading his tweets he didn't get it.
Howard asked Colin what this movie is about. Colin said he has a movie about spring break with terrorists and stuff around. He said that it's like a metaphor for the world. Howard asked David what he thought about that. David said it sounds fantastic. Howard asked how much money Colin needs. Colin said he has about 2 million. He needs more.
Howard asked if it was Jerry's money. Colin said no. He said that he really wanted Howard to come out and see his show. He said he was 3 feet from his house and he still didn't come out to see the show. Colin said he gets why he doesn't want to leave his house though. He said he's a little agoraphobic himself. Howard said he likes to stay home and watch TV and stuff. Robin said Colin is a great guy though. Howard said he's the greatest but he likes to stay home.
Howard asked Colin if he still hangs with Spade and those guys. Colin said he doesn't see them that much but he does hang with them sometimes. Howard said David is fucking a woman there in New York now. He said she's on Entertainment Tonight. David didn't want to talk about that. Howard said he must be in love. He was turning all red. David said things can turn around in that room so quick. Colin said that's the way things are in this room.
Gary came in and read what Colin had said about David and Courteney's marriage back when he was on SNL. He had a line about Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra's marriage ending and said that David and Courteney had said that their marriage was supposed to be the most asinine marriage of the year. David heard that and said ''Hey, good luck with your movie...'' to Colin.
Howard asked David if he's in love. David said he is. He said that they've both said they're in love. Howard asked Colin what he thinks now. Colin didn't have a response.
Howard asked David what he would do if Courteney asked him to move back into the house and break up with this girl. David said he wouldn't do that. He said he would talk to her about it but that window has closed. He said he left that window open for a year.
Howard asked if he's told Courteney that he's in love. David said he did and it wasn't easy to have that conversation. David said they came to an understanding that they can't have a calm life if they keep doing things they way they're doing it. He said both of them cried when they talked about him being in love with this other woman. He said it's kind of unfortunate and sad.
Howard said he thinks that Courteney is with someone. Howard asked Colin what he thinks. Colin said she is a beautiful woman. Howard asked if she said she was in love with someone. David said she didn't say that. Colin said she said she's in love with C.Q.
Howard asked David when he knew he was in love. David said he tries not to talk about this stuff on this show but he always does. Howard asked David when he told her that he loved her. David said it was a few weeks back. He said they've been seeing each other for a little while now. They met in July. Howard asked if that's too quick to tell someone you love them. Colin said he's not the right one to ask. He said he finds it hard to feel love. Howard said David seems to find it very easy. Howard asked how he knew he was in love. David said he felt very comfortable and she makes him happy. Howard asked if he's in a pussy fog. Robin said he's not like Benjy. Howard asked if she said it back to him when he said he was in love. David said she did.
Howard asked David if he's a millionaire. Colin didn't think he was. He wondered where he would get money from. Howard said he has money.
Howard asked if anyone thinks David is moving too fast. Robin said she does. She asked David if he falls in love very easily. David said he does. He asked Robin if she closes her heart to everyone. Robin said she doesn't. David said that Robin has to open her heart and that dark little place... and by dark little place he means her vagina.
Howard asked David if anyone has met this woman yet. David said Rosanna met her. He said he hasn't introduced her to his daughter yet. David said his therapist tells him he should be monogamous for a few months before introducing her. Howard asked if he's been monogamous for a few months. David said he has been.
Colin said he thinks that this is just a rebound for both of them and he shouldn't introduce her to the kid. David said he's going to remember that next time Colin asks for funding for a movie.
Howard asked David if he had sex this weekend. David said he didn't want to get into that. He said she has parents who listen. Colin said that David has some of the hottest sisters in history. Howard said they are gorgeous. David said maybe they could double team them. He asked Colin if he had any sisters he could bang. David said maybe they can get them on the Sybian.
Howard told Colin they should jerk off to the thought of David's sisters. David said he's going to jerk off to the thought of his mom. Howard told him to go right ahead.
Howard said Colin's one man show is a hit. He said everyone knows it. The DVD is called ''Long Story Short'' and it'll be out on DVD December 6. Howard said you can find out more about the benefit Colin is performing at over at MikeDestefano.com. Howard wrapped up with Colin a short time later. They went to break after that.
After the break we heard a Blue Iris ''I Love Cock and Balls'' song parody and a clip of Benjy getting Evil Dave Letterman to do a PSA about black people. Fred also played the Rolling Stones ''Beast of Burden'' with some Ronnie the Limo Driver clips thrown in as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said they're looking for the Hottest Chick Married To the Oldest Fart contestants. He said his wife isn't eligible apparently. He said they have a $10,000 prize for the winner. He said you can find out more at SiriusXM.com/Howard for more info.
Howard said David Arquette is hanging out today. He said he wasn't able to pay much attention to him during the Colin Quinn interview. David said he didn't want to interrupt but it did end up getting shifted his way. Howard said he thought he was going to bring the girlfriend in. David said he's sure she'll come in at some point.
Howard said he loves that for David. He said that the girl is a reporter. David said it's still new to them. He said they went to some benefits and they had an amazing time. David said they went to a Keep a Child Alive benefit and they had Alicia Keys performing a bunch of George Harrison songs there. David told Howard about the charity and what that was all about. David said he was at another benefit that was honoring Laura Bush. He said they didn't walk the red carpet together though. He said he's trying to keep it a little quiet.
Howard asked what this girl's name is. David said it's Christina. He said she was the one who invited him to the event. Howard asked if she wore panties. David said she did. Howard said it would be hot if she didn't wear panties to a benefit for kids.
Howard asked David if he tells her that he doesn't want to walk the red carpet with her. He said it's not like that. He said that he wants to keep this kind of private. He said he walked the red carpet first and then she walked it. Howard asked if he sits at a different table. David said once they're inside they are together.
Howard said it must be really hot. He said he can't wait to see her in a bathing suit. Howard asked if he ever calls Courteney and talks to her with the girl in the room. David said it's really not like that. He said he wishes his marriage could have worked out.
Howard asked if a picture of David and Christina together would be worth a lot of money. David said he's not sure. Howard asked when they're going to step out on the red carpet together. David said he's really not sure. He said she's a reporter and she's on the other side usually.
Howard asked how tall she is. David said she's like 5'9'' and he's like 5'10 1/2'' so they're pretty close when she puts on heels.
Fred played a clip of Chyna saying ''There's a huge tree trunk in my ass'' and got David laughing. Howard said that was David's new girlfriend saying that. David said ''No!''
David told Howard about going to Christina's parents cabin and staying with her there. Howard said that sounds good. He asked if they have a lake. He said it's just out in the country. David said they sleep and light a fire and cook dinner and things like that.
Howard asked if he's going to keep dancing. David said he wants to do something like that. He said he's in good shape from doing that. Howard said Robin voted for him. He said he fell asleep so Robin had to vote for him.
Howard asked if David and Christina were going on hikes and stuff. David said they didn't do that. They didn't go out hunting or anything but they did hear gunshots. Howard said maybe that was Courteney coming looking for him.
Howard asked David if he's going to go out on tour with Dancing with the Stars to keep dancing. David said he's not sure he could take that much time off. Howard asked who is so not busy that they can afford to go on the tour. They figured the Kardashian kid was free. Robin said Chaz might be free too.
Howard asked David about Chaz and what he learned from her when they hung out. David said that he ended up talking to him about his own relationship. Howard said Chaz must be looking for new pussy now. Howard said he really is like a dude. Howard asked if Chaz opened up to him. David said he was opening up to him more than Chaz opened up to him.
David said he's free more now so he'll be hanging out in New York more. Howard sarcastically said that's going to be a lot of fun now that he's sober.
Howard asked what else he learned about Chaz. David wasn't saying much. He said Chaz is a cool cat and very down to earth.
Howard spent a minute talking to David about Chaz but he had to move on to the news. Howard said he'd love to see what goes on behind the scenes with David and Christina when they go to an event. Howard asked if they do that because they don't want any pictures of themselves floating around if they break up. David said he doesn't think like that.
Hook Nose Mike called in and brought up how Christina dated Joe Francis. David said he doesn't want to talk about that kind of stuff. He said he doesn't talk about past relationships. He said they did know each other a long time and she was engaged to him. Howard said Joe gets some really hot chicks. Howard said he's happy for David. Howard said he seems to be in a good place.
Jon ran down some other stuff and talked about Colin Quinn's visit today. Howard said he thinks that guy is really funny. David agreed.
Howard said he thinks that these people who get into relationships in Hollywood should be honest about their relationships. Howard said when he fell for Beth he let everyone know. Robin said she doesn't think it went that way. Robin said that he had some secrecy there for a while. Howard said that was in the beginning. Robin said that's not true. Howard said it just took a few weeks and he came out of the closet. He told David to tell them more. Fred threw in the Chyna laugh again. David said ''Oh god'' when he heard that again. As they were about to go to break David said he had to catch a plane. He said he'd love to stick around. Howard said it's fine. Howard said he's not going anywhere. David said he knows where are some people who don't like him on the show. Howard said it doesn't matter because he likes him on the show. That's all that matters. They went to break a short time later.
Robin started her news with a story about this tape that came out showing a girl being abused by her father who is a judge. Robin said the video goes on for a long time and the beating is bad and the language is bad. Howard said he hadn't seen that yet. He said he's surprised that no one has sent it to him. He said Beth has said that his email is the most fun because people send him all of this stuff. Howard said he can't believe he didn't get this one.
Robin said people are wondering if this was over the top discipline for this guy. Robin said they are looking into it and he's under review. Gary came in and told Howard that he did send him the video and it was one that Howard wasn't able to open. Gary told Howard what the video was like and how much they beat this girl. He said that it goes on for like 20 minutes. They gave up at one point and then came back and beat her more. Gary said it was a brutal beating. Fred played a bunch of ''Baba Booey'' clips and songs while he was in there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he heard the girl got beaten for downloading a video game illegally on the internet. He also told Howard he got that information from the Jay Thomas show since Howard isn't around more than 3 days a week. He said someone has to fill in for Howard. Howard said this guy sounded angry.
Robin read about Chaz Bono and how the National Enquirer is predicting she has 4 years left to live. Howard said if she doesn't lose weight they could be right.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the girl who was getting beaten was being disciplined for stealing stuff from the internet a few years ago. The guy said that the judge was going to take her Mercedes away from her and she got upset and released that video.
Howard said there's some weird stuff coming out about Steve Jobs. He said he read that he liked to soak his feet in the company toilet. He had an Apples and Carrots only diet too. He said he would eat the same thing for weeks at a time. At one point he was eating just carrots and he turned orange from it. Robin said that's a known thing about eating a lot of carrots. Howard said this is all in the book about Jobs. Howard read some other things about Jobs and the odd things that he'd do.
Robin read about a new record that was set in the New York City Marathon. Robin had some details about that and how they're thinking about having a two day marathon in the future. Howard said he heard about that. they want to spread it out over Saturday and Sunday. He said he's thinking that would make it less special. Robin said she's not sure about that.
Robin read about Ethan Zohn, who was on Survivor, running in the marathon again. Robin said he ran last year too. Howard said he's not sure running a marathon is a good thing to do when you're battling cancer. Robin said he ran it in 4 hours and 20 minutes. Robin said he ran it in 4 hours and 16 minutes last year. Robin said he has Hodgkin's Lymphoma and it has returned.
Robin read about another guy who collapsed while running the marathon just 4 miles from the finish line. Robin said they had to perform CPR on the guy. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a coach who has been accused of molesting 8 boys. Robin said the boys were accessible because he had a charity that he was running.
Howard took a call from a guy who had fallen asleep on the phone. He was snoring a bit. The guy woke up and claimed he wasn't sleeping. He said he was listening. Howard said he was sleeping. The caller told Howard that these people who criticize his show are wrong. He said that he would rather have Howard 3 days a week than none at all. Howard said he was thinking of leaving and he talked to them there at Sirius and they came up with this new schedule. Howard said for the most part the fans seem to be okay with it. He said it is less shows a week but they are able to come in and do it. Howard said he wished they were able to start the show later in the day though. He said getting up early is killing him. He said he's an older guy now and he's been doing it all his life. He said he was in bed at 8 last night. He said his head is rocking at night and he has to sleep. Howard said he's doing the best he can with this schedule. He said he knows some people are unhappy with it but it's a compliment that they want more show.
The caller said Howard is a good looking guy but Howard disagreed. He said that he did do a self portrait for his photography class and it actually came out pretty good. He said he's thinking about Tweeting it out.
Robin said that Hillary Swank is trying to fix the problems she's having after going to that Chechen President's party. Howard said he wants to go over that again tomorrow. He told Gary to remind him about that tomorrow. Robin said that Hillary has been dumped by her P.R. firm. She dumped her agent after she went to that event. Howard said it's inconceivable to him that you wouldn't Google the guy to find out something about him. Howard said he can't imagine firing a manager over it either. He said she must be a moron. Robin said Jean Claude Van Damme was there too though. Howard said he's been kicked in the head a lot so that's understandable. Howard said he's not working anywhere either. Robin said Seal was there too. Howard said he should be criticized too. Robin said a violinist was there too. Howard said if he was Hillary Swank he'd be upset for being booked on the same event as Jean Claude Van Damme. Howard said she won an Oscar. Robin said she thinks she has two. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read about Joe Frazier and how he's in hospice care and suffering from liver cancer. Robin said they're reporting that he is in serious shape and they're looking for a miracle. Howard said they love Joe Frazier and spoke about him for a long time this morning.
Robin read some updates on the Michael Jackson trial. She said that the jury hasn't come up with a verdict yet.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought Gary knew that they weren't supposed to book so many guests for one show. Howard said tomorrow will be a little less busy. He said sometimes things just get backed up.
Robin read about the Kardashian family and some strange things that are going on with that family. JD had a clip of the Kardashian's mother saying that she hates an ''Indian giver'' when she was asked about Kim giving back her ring. Robin said some people are upset about that. Robin had some news about Kim going out to Minnesota to visit her soon to be ex-husband. Howard said he really doesn't give a fuck about her.
Robin said that Avril Lavigne is reportedly dating Brody Jenner. Howard said he thinks she's really hot. Robin said that Avril apparently got into a fight at a hotel and Brody tried to intervene but he got hit and ended up in the hospital. Howard asked what he does for a living. Robin said he dates good looking women. Howard said he wants to know where his income comes from. He said he'd like to know how you get into that situation.
Robin read about Justin Bieber being accused of being the father of her child. Robin said that Justin is going to take a DNA test and take the woman to court over this. Robin said he's in Europe right now but he'll be back in 2 weeks. Robin said that the same woman allegedly accused another ex-boyfriend that the baby was his last year.
Robin read about Herman Cain's popularity dropping over the past couple of weeks. Robin said a third person came forward and claimed that she had a sexual harassment claim against Cain. Robin said no one has given details of those charges though. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin said they paid tribute to Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes last night. Howard said he saw the video they had of him from years ago and noticed how his eyebrows went from being normal to being all over his forehead. He said he's not sure what happened there. Robin had some audio of Morley Safer talking about Andy last night.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he met Joe Frazier a few months ago and he was in a wheelchair. He said he heard Joe say that Howard could blow him when someone brought up his name. He wondered if there was an altercation there. Howard said he doesn't know anything. He said Joe has been a great guest on the show over the years and there is no bad blood as far as he knows.
Robin read about a woman who is defending Herman Cain in this whole sexual harassment case. Robin said she thinks this is all politics herself. Robin said that it was another Republican candidate that leaked the information. Robin had audio of a woman talking about how suspicious it is to her. Howard said he agrees and it is a bad situation for the guy. He said that all of this is coming from anonymous people.
Robin had some audio of John Boehner talking about the debt deal and how he's upset that they weren't able to come up with a deal with President Obama.
Robin had some audio of Condoleeza Rice giving some advice to President Obama about how to handle Iran. Robin also mentioned that Gaddafi had a scrapbook of Condoleeza Rice pictures that he kept.
Robin read about a child that went missing this weekend. Robin had some audio of an official talking about the situation.
Robin said that they found a severed foot over the weekend in a trash can. Robin said they haven't been able to find the child it belongs to. Robin had some audio of some people in the neighborhood talking about it.
Robin read a story about people being without power in Connecticut. Robin said they've been out since last weekend's snow storm.
Robin said the most popular app for the iPhone is an app that turns it into a flashlight. Howard said he uses his phone for that but he doesn't have the flashlight app. Gary said he uses it all the time. He said there are like a million of them that are free. Howard said he wants that. He told Gary to get it for him immediately. Gary came in and demonstrated it for him. Fred played Gary into the studio with a Baba Booey song parody. Robin said that's the most successful and sought after app for the iPhone.
Robin finished up with some box office news. Howard ended the show around 10:20am.
Jon brought up Brett Ratner and Gary said he thinks that he knows the show very well because of the way he handled the whole Michael Jackson thing. He said that he had Howard talking about other stuff to get him off of that subject.
Jon said Brett also had some interesting things to say about sending girls to the doctor and things like that. Jon said Benjy has some serious scruff coming in. Jon asked how long he's going to let it get. Gary said he's going to keep it growing until Elisa tells him it's enough.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Brett Ratner is a huge asshole. He said he thinks that he's a unique individual and he's really not. The guy said that he was the guy who was throwing water balloons at homeless people. He said every story he told was outrageous and there's just something about him that rubbed him the wrong way. He also said he doesn't like his movies. Gary said he felt he was very neurotic. He said that's what he learned about him today.
The caller said he was very arrogant. He said every story was a one upping story about how unique he is and it didn't do anything for him to change his mind about what he thought of him after that Michael Jackson story.
Gary asked the caller if he thought he was a good guest. The caller said he didn't find him that interesting. Gary said he thought he was interesting but he can understand why people wouldn't like him. They had to go to break after that.
Jon said Chyna is going whole hog on this porno thing. Jon said that she has sort of a happy go lucky kind of attitude. Gary said there are some girls who make all kinds of noises when they're doing it and she likes to just do it normally. He said he thinks that there are people who would want to see her pornos. Benjy said he's not sure how porno is going to make it unless they keep doing specialty things like this. He said he's not sure who is buying porn these days.
Gary said he kind of understands why Vince McMahon didn't want her to have that name. He said maybe he didn't want it attached to porn. Benjy said he's not sure if he even fought her for the name. Gary said maybe she just went through the motions and got the name without much of a fight.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked where the sound drop of ''Uh... wow'' came from. Gary said that one came from a homeless guy they interviewed like 15 years ago. The caller also wondered how Chyna looked today. Gary said she didn't look bad.
The caller asked Jon about how many of his blow jobs came from gooks. He said that's about all they have in Ann Arbor now. Benjy didn't get what he was saying. Jon said he was a crappy caller anyway.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he got chub over the girl getting beaten with a belt. Jon said he thought he wanted to talk about Chyna.
Jon hung up on that guy and took another call. The caller didn't get his question out so Gary asked it for him. Gary said hew anted to know why he can't get Eddie Murphy on the show. Gary said Eddie doesn't want to talk about his divorce, the arrest with the tranny or anything like that. He can go anywhere he wants and control the interview and he doesn't want to deal with this. The caller said he understands now. He asked if he thinks that Eddie comes out with the questions that they're allowed to ask during an interview. Gary said that's the way it works sometimes. He said that some publicists will said that's the only way they can get certain guests but they won't put up with that.
Jon asked Gary if he found it odd that Chyna masturbates thinking about herself and not by watching porno. Gary said that is kind of odd.
Jon brought up the things Chyna was saying about her parents and how she doesn't get long with her mom and sister. It wasn't all clear to them. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Jon moved on to talk about Colin Quinn. Gary said he's not sure why Colin isn't more popular than he is. He said he thinks the guy is hilarious. He said he's on another level. Jon said that he seems to be frustrated with the whole Ronnie thing too. Gary said he does. He said that he found it funny that Colin thought of Will as a more sophisticated Ronnie when he was talking about him
Jon and Gary talked about the joke Colin told about David and Courteney on Saturday Night Live and how it became a running joke during the interview.
Jon said that Colin and David were talking during the break after the interview and David was telling him he had enough money to make that movie.
Jon and Gary talked about how David came out with his story about telling his girlfriend he's in love with her. They were also talking about how Howard kept his relationship with Beth hidden for a while. Gary said he had no idea what Howard was up to back then. He said he's not sure when he found out he was serious about someone. Benjy said he thinks that once Howard met her they were never apart.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what they thought of David and Howard's relationship. He said Howard seems to be in love with David. He said he must have missed where that began. Gary said he thinks that it's because he gives them an honest answer when they ask him something. He tells some funny stories about his Hollywood friends and stuff like that.
The caller said he didn't know much about David and he never thought that he'd be a friend of Howard's. He said he thinks it's cool though. The caller said he'd like to have Howard talk to him more about Courteney because it's such a weird dynamic. Gary said he thinks that he tries but they don't want to scare him away by going over it too much.
Jon took another call from a guy who said Eddie Murphy's excuse when he picked up a tranny was that he was out looking for a newspaper. Gary said Eddie claims that he hasn't read a newspaper in 20 years but he thinks that it's just movie reviews that he was talking about.
Jon took a call from a guy, Brian, who said that Colin is a great guy and he read for one of his projects. He said Jerry was there too and he thinks that they'll be able to come up with some more money for that movie. Brian said he's not sure where that other money came from.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he found it funny that Colin didn't get a car like David Spade and Chris Rock did from Adam Sandler. Gary said he just saw the movie again recently and Colin is a supporting player in the movie and he's not one of the main 5. He said Adam would have had to have purchased cars for Steve Buchemi and other guys in the movie if he had gotten one for Colin. Gary said telling the story is more interesting than the reality.
Jon asked about Colin's tweets and how seriously everyone was taking them seriously. Gary said that sarcasm can be hard to get on the internet when you're telling jokes.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Gary is right about Colin not being as big of a star as he should be. He said he doesn't get his dues. The caller said he's funny as hell. He also said that he likes David on the show and he's got a great rapport on the show.
Jon said that everyone on the show had a great rapport with Howard today. He said Chyna, Colin and David were all getting along and so was Brett. Gary said Colin did something really nice for Howard and came and roasted a bunch of people at a party and he thought it was very funny.
Benjy asked if Gary is in denial about that. Gary said he has a fear that he's going to die in a car accident when he drives into work. Gary said he had an accident about 8-9 years ago and he started thinking that back then. He said there are a lot of nuts on the road at that time of morning and he worries about dying on his way into work. Jon asked if Benjy obsesses too. Benjy said there will be periods when he has it in his head and it depresses him. They had to end the show a short time later.
Benjy asked if Gary is in denial about that. Gary said he has a fear that he's going to die in a car accident when he drives into work. Gary said he had an accident about 8-9 years ago and he started thinking that back then. He said there are a lot of nuts on the road at that time of morning and he worries about dying on his way into work. Jon asked if Benjy obsesses too. Benjy said there will be periods when he has it in his head and it depresses him. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how they had Darrell Hammond coming in. He said they have a Dumber than a Box of Rocks game coming up today too. He said they have a great show coming up tomorrow with Chris Martin from Coldplay coming in live. Howard said he's going to have a guitar and a keyboard with him.
Howard said he has a lot of weird stuff to get to today. He said he has some Benjy stuff to get to. He said Benjy was at a press conference and he got up on stage and took over the press conference. He said the whole thing centered around this Elisa Jordana that Benjy is in love with. Howard said he's in love with this girl and he's said that he's in love with her even though she isn't attracted to him. Howard said Benjy went up and spoke about her at the press conference. He said it's bizarre.
Howard said he got a lot of email from people who were upset he wasn't promoting the show. He said he was promoting Elisa Jordana and not the Howard Stern Show. Howard said if this doesn't get him in her pants he doesn't know what will. Robin said this won't get him into her pants. If anything it's going to push her away.
Howard played the audio from the press conference where Benjy gets up and starts talking to the media who were waiting for Sharon Bialek to come up and talk about Herman Cain. Howard said he heard this and thought about a million other things Benjy could have done there.
Howard said he sees Gloria Allred now and he thinks about her as a Reverend Al type. He said he read that Andrea Pyser was calling this woman a gold digger in an article. Howard read some of that to Robin and talked about that for a short time. They have some quotes from the woman's friend who says that Bialek lives above her means and wants to come back as her in her next life. Robin said that's just name calling and it doesn't discount anything that this woman has said. Robin said they don't know who that friend is. Howard said he knows that and he's just trying to find out what the truth is.
Robin said that this article seems to be spin to her. She said that it starts out calling that woman a gold digger. Howard said he's not sure how you get a person to call someone a name like that. He said now Gloria Allred comes out and does her thing. Robin said Gloria Allred doesn't mean anything to her.
Howard said he likes that Benjy got up there but he would have liked to have seen him do something else. Benjy said it was a last minute thing and he just went over with Lisa G and tried to figure out what he was going to do on his way over.
Howard said there are a few people there learning how to do Transcendental Meditation there. He said Jason, Sal, Tim and a bunch of others are in training sessions. He said the only person who didn't sign up was Lisa G who said she was too busy to do it. Howard said she has no kids or a boyfriend or anything like that. He said Lisa says she can't find 20 minutes to meditate. Howard said they say that if you don't have 20 minutes to meditate then you're too busy. Robin said other people find the time and they're busier than Lisa. Howard said she has more than enough time. He said he'll take that up with her some other time.
Howard got back to Benjy and played more audio of him talking to the press. Benjy was getting heckled by the press and they told him to leave. Benjy said that maybe he's the woman who is accusing Cain of sexual harassment. Benjy was telling people to sit down and Howard told him he has to just ignore the people out there and do his thing. Benjy said he likes doing that though.
Benjy was talking about Elisa Jordana and telling them that they'll find out who she is in a few minutes. Robin said this is not helping Benjy. She said it's the perv factor coming in and it's going to push her away.
Howard played more of Benjy and you could hear people telling him to leave and others saying ''Let him speak...'' Benjy said this was not about him, it was about Elisa Jordana. Benjy said he'll introducer her as soon as she gets there. They told Benjy to get off the podium. Then Benjy started chanting in Hebrew. Benjy said he didn't really plan anything out. Howard said Benjy really is fucked up. Robin said he had a nice singing voice.
Benjy asked if they all liked his beard. Howard said the funny thing is that Benjy didn't get kicked out. He expected to be kicked out and he didn't know what else to do. Gary said that this was live on CNN for way longer than it should have. Howard said Benjy even mentioned Lucas Dell'Abate. Gary said they texted him and told him to do that.
Howard played more of Benjy where he mentions Lucas Dell'Abate. They asked Benjy if this was the best press conference that he had ever crashed. Howard said Benjy had nothing so they should have texted him more things to talk about.
Benjy was up there trying to get something going. He was told to stop yelling so he quieted down. Then he asked if they could hear him. Benjy said the serious thing about Elisa Jordana was her song is ''Fuck You I'm Fine.'' He was told they were on live mics. He plugged some of her other songs as well.
Howard said Benjy was just there and not getting kicked out. Gary said Benjy introduced Gloria Allred too. Howard said she showed up with the Herman Cain accuser and Benjy introduced them. Benjy did it like it was a comedy show or something. Benjy then said he'd walk out. He mentioned Elisa Jordana one more time on his way out.
Benjy asked if he could take a vote real quick about if he should leave or not. Everyone yelled at him to get out.
Howard asked Benjy why he didn't mention the show. Benjy said he knew the show would be talked about anyway. Howard asked if she heard about it. Benjy said they went out last night. He said they did make out. Howard said she must have been chained up at the time. Howard said this seems to be working. Benjy said that this has been progressing since she was on the show.
Benjy said he was at the press conference for hours. He said he went to the TM training session and then called Elisa up. He said they had been texting. He said they went out to dinner. He said they went out to a bar and he just let her do her thing. Benjy said that they were kissing and talking for a couple of hours at the bar. Howard asked if there was any fucking going on. Benjy said it was just kissing. He said he did have bone at the bar sometimes.
Howard asked how late he was out. Benjy said he didn't get to sleep until 2. He said he hates that because he gets depressed the next day. Howard said it must have been worth it. Benjy said it was.
Howard played more of Benjy getting yelled at to leave. Benjy was taking the vote and everyone was telling him to just leave. They told him to get out. Howard said he felt like telling him to get out too. They called him an asshole on his way out. Howard said Benjy loves being called an asshole.
Howard said Les Trent from Inside Edition was there. He had him on the phone. Les said he told Benjy that he has to stop with the Shtick Coma. He said there were probably 100 press people there and they were waiting there for hours. He said some people thought he was for real and they were taking notes. He said they were writing down Elisa Jordana's name. Les said you don't know who is going to show up at the podium. He said Benjy stood there and you have to see the visual. Howard said he did see it. He said more stand-up comics should do that kind of thing. Les said there was no security there and that's why he got away with it.
Howard said the press wasn't doing anything anyway. He said Benjy was entertaining. Les said that when Benjy introduced Gloria and the accuser they turned around and walked back into the room they were coming out of. Howard said it was a very Ed Sullivan like intro. Les said it really was. He said Benjy could have really gotten out of it if he had waited. Howard asked Benjy how he got in there. Benjy said he pretty much just walked in. Robin said she did the same thing at the Anthony Wiener thing. Benjy said that they were so pissed off. He said he left when she wanted to come in.
Howard said Rachel Maddow was talking about him a lot. He played some of that. Rachel said that they were promoting a singer. Howard said he wanted to make it clear that it was Benjy doing that, not him. They played some of Benjy promoting Elisa Jordana at the press conference. Robin said that this is crazy and now she sees why Elisa would be into it. Benjy got the word out about her all over the place. Maddow even played some of Elisa's song ''Fuck You I'm Fine'' and said they fact checked it.
Howard said he thinks that Rachel is pretty hot. Benjy said that she's his next target. Howard said she's gay though. Benjy said that's what she says. Robin said she probably just said that to Benjy. Howard said he thinks there was even more to it. He played more of Maddow talking about Benjy and what he's done at these press conferences. She played more of Benjy introducing Gloria and the accuser. Maddow said that they turned around and went back into the room after being introduced.
Howard and Fred did this impressions of Benjy talking to Elisa and trying to talk her into making out. Howard said Benjy was out until 2 in the morning working her. He asked if his breath was bad after that much time. Benjy said he was chewing gum the whole time. Benjy said he wasn't kissing good at first either. He said he thinks they both got relaxed after a little while. He said he got some tongue. Howard asked if he has blue balls up his yin yang now. Benjy said he doesn't.
Howard asked Benjy if he was hoping that she'd ask him back to her place. Benjy said he's not sure what he was expecting. Howard said Benjy could have hung out until 10 in the morning. Benjy said they do like being around each other. Robin said Benjy is the one who likes being around her.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said that Benjy was brilliant but he has to mention Howard's name. Howard said this kind of worked for him but he knows what he means. Robin said that everyone was talking about Howard Stern after that. Howard said Janks doesn't work for the show but Benjy does. He said when he does something he ends up being responsible. Howard said he's glad Benjy doesn't use his name. He said he doesn't want him using it. Howard said with Benjy it's a tricky slope.
Howard said he's going to ask Benjy not to use his name. Benjy said he did tell Gloria that he would leave if she was uncomfortable. He said that he was from Howard Stern and he was just fucking around. Howard told him to stick with Lucas Dell'Abate. He said Lucas loves when Benjy mentions him.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Benjy it was an excellent job. He also asked Robin about the Andrea Peyser article and why she thinks it was wrong. Robin said that Peyser even said that it was just a person who claimed to be a friend and they don't even mention the friend's name.
Another caller said that this was like performance art like Maddow said. He said that this whole thing adds a bit of a comic thing to the whole press conference. Howard said the whole thing was kind of farcical.
Howard said the outcome is that Benjy was on stage for about 20 minutes and they played about 10 of them there. He said that Benjy mentioned that singer's name and he doesn't even remember it himself. Robin and Fred said it was Elisa Jordana. Howard said Benjy did get to make out with her so that was good for him. Howard said Benjy claims he was making out for hours. Howard did his impression of what that might have sounded like.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that this whole thing is great. He said he loves when he hijacks these things. Another caller said he likes Benjy now. Howard said that will change eventually.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Benjy is really creepy. She said that he's the kind of guy you see enter a room and you want to leave immediately.
Howard took another call from a guy who told Benjy that Elisa should be sucking his ass after what he did. He said that she should have been fucking him last night. Howard said the kissing is a big step in the right direction. Howard asked Benjy if he discussed their relationship after that. Robin asked if she stayed over. Benjy said she hates his apartment. He said he had to get some sleep last night so he went home.
Howard asked Benjy if he's going to see her tonight. Benjy said they've been talking about moving in together. He said that he might have to get another place. Howard asked what he would do if she had to fuck some other guy if they were roommates. Benjy said that she says she's interested in him. Howard said the one thing he'll say about Benjy is that he's a persistent little fuck. He said he will wear you down. Howard told Robin that he could get her too. Robin said they won't get any closer than this.
Robin asked Benjy if he's going to get married. Benjy said he really likes her. He doesn't know about the marriage thing. He said he's not even sure if she's attracted to him though. Howard said that the kissing thing can be more intimate than fucking for some people. Benjy said he has to have this beard though. Howard said he does look a little better with the beard. He said maybe it hides all of his chins.
Benjy said she doesn't like him to take his hat off either. Howard asked if that's because he's bald. Benjy said that is it. He said that they've talked about what would happen if they moved in together. Howard asked if he feels bad having to leave his hat on to make out with her. Benjy said it does kind of bother him. Howard said he's willing to keep it on though. Howard said that's like asking a girl to put a bag on her head while you fuck.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Benjy is definitely cock strong. That's what KC said about him the other day. Howard said he's not sure what that even means. The caller said that they have that clip ''Can I taste your juice?'' and Robin had repeated something that woman said and that would make a great sound drop. Howard said he'd love to hear that. He asked Robin to repeat it but Robin said she's not sure she could repeat ''My ass is wore the fuck out.''
Jeff Jarvis called in and asked if Benjy is just taking Howard and these two have been fucking all along. Howard said he thinks that this is very real. He said it gets so real that he got a note from Doug Goodstein from Howard TV who said that Benjy is losing his mind over Elisa. Doug got a request from Benjy to do something that he's never gotten a request for before. Benjy asked them to change the scope of the interview and edit everything related to the song and play the other song. Howard said Doug had the text message in there too. Howard said Benjy's text asked if they were going to play both songs or just one and if it was just one he wanted a different one played.
Howard asked Benjy what's going on with him. He said he's not in a shtick. He said he's lost it. Benjy said that Elisa thought the piano was a little soft in one song so he was wondering if they could change it. Howard said Benjy is really out of it. He said he has to stop working so hard at this. Benjy said that he asked Doug if he was just going to use one song then he wondered if they could use the other one. Howard said Benjy doesn't have the be the savior every time. He said it was fine and she got some promotion. Howard said Benjy is going to go berserk. He said that she's loving it too.
Jeff Jarvis said he can imagine Benjy and Elisa talking about this in bed and trying to figure out how to get on the show. Howard said he had a good point there. He thanked him for calling in and let him go.
Howard said he had something to tell Robin but he's going to wait a few days. He said he will eventually bring it up to Robin. He said it's not a good time to bring it up to her. Benjy asked if it was about him. Howard said he said it was intriguing, so no, it wasn't about him.
Howard said they don't have Robin saying ''My ass is wore the fuck out.'' He said they do have Ed Torian saying it though. Howard played that instead. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he heard a statistic. He said that if Benjy does another 100 press conferences he'll get to see some titty.
Howard said Darrell Hammond is a master of impressions and he used to be on Saturday Night Live. He's written a book and what a book it is. Howard said Darrell went into a lot of that stuff on the radio show once but he didn't know the extent of just how shitty his life was. Darrell said that he didn't go into specifics on the show. Howard said he was smart not to give that away.
Howard said people say their mother was a nightmare but Darrell laughs at that. Howard said he had a really awful life. He said his mother was evil from what he's read. Howard asked Darrell if he could ever recover from what he went through. Darrell said he did after he realized that she was an innocent kid once and someone had to have done that to her to fuck her up. He said that he tried to get her help but she stopped talking to him after that. Darrell said that he was told he had the symptoms of a POW and he told her he wanted to figure it out. He said she told him not to call them ever again and hung up on him. He said his father was gone a lot but toward the end of his life he copped to the fact that he wasn't the dad he wanted to be.
Howard said Darrell says that his mother was able to do impressions of people in the neighborhood and when he did those it kind of made her happy. Darrell said that it did that and she got all happy when he'd do that. Howard said he thinks she was a narcissist and he filled her whole modus operandi by doing that. Howard said she needed to hear that she was the best mother and he was in league with her. Darrell said that you had to pretend that everything was perfect too.
Howard said that Robin is going to love hearing about this because she was a victim of abuse. Howard read about Darrell's mother beating him with a high heel in front of people in the park until he'd bleed. Darrell said she would tell people these stories and it made her happy. Darrell said that she was a church going person and she seemed to think that she was unimpeachable. Howard said he knows a lot of church people who are brutal and they seem to think that going to church makes it all okay.
Howard read some more about Darrell's mother ignoring him at times while he was growing up. Darrell said that it was like she was invisible. She found him masturbating and that made her ignore him. Howard asked Darrell if he has any siblings. Darrell said that he has a sister and she didn't' want to talk about this stuff publicly but she did that yesterday.
Howard said Darrell's mother started beating him and hitting him until he was big enough to hold her off. Howard said there are six pages of Darrell talking about the things his mother did to him. Howard said he seems like he could have been a loving little child.
Howard said Darrell's mother would walk into the room naked all the time and he thinks that means that she wanted to be worshiped. Howard asked if she had a good body. Darrell said that she was a beautiful woman. Howard said she would slam his finger in the door of a car too. Howard said there isn't greater pain than that. Darrell said that she would tell him to put his hand in the door and she'd slam it. He said she wasn't trying to break fingers or anything though.
Howard asked how many times she did that. Darrell said it was maybe 3 or 4 times. Darrell said it wasn't even the pain that was the worst part. He said when your mom doesn't seem to like you, that's the horrible part.
Howard said Darrell got on Saturday Night Live and he was on seven medications. He was even cutting himself. Howard said he read about Darrell being 3 or 4 and his mother cut his tongue with a steak knife. Darrell said that was only once. He said that he was almost 5 and she asked him to stand there and they both pretended that something else was going on.
Howard asked if she was ever diagnosed as a mentally ill woman. Darrell said that he has vague memories of her being forced to leave and him going to stay at his grandmothers. He said he doesn't know what really went on. He blacked out after the tongue cutting.
Darrell said that his father was on his death bed and he told him about being a soldier and how that's all he ever was. He said that his father apologized for not being a better father to him. He said he was a drunk and he was obsessed with Nazis. He said that his friend Eddie convinced him to go back to church because his father didn't think that he'd be forgiven for having killed so many people in the war. Howard said Tony Bennett talked about the horrors of war when he was in there. He said it's tough.
Howard said Darrell's mother would stick his fingers in electrical sockets and hit him with a hammer and tell the doctor that he hurt himself. Howard said all of this success he had on SNL couldn't be enjoyed because of this torture. Darrell said he did feel proud of himself at times on SNL. Howard said it's amazing that he was able to find humor in all of that.
Howard said Darrell decided that they were going to have all of their mothers down for Mother's Day and Darrell didn't want to have her in. They told Darrell to dress up like his mother and when he did that he freaked out and had to go to the infirmary because he saw his mother in his face. He said that he had a heart rate of about 200 when they took his pulse.
Howard asked Darrell if anyone knew about all of this stuff there at SNL. Darrell said there were some people who were real good to him. He said the producers, Steve Higgins and Mike Shumaker were great. He said so was Lorne. Darrell said that things got so bad once that he had to be removed in a straight jacket. He said that was during a rehearsal. He said he had a complete mental collapse. Howard said that he must have been totally panicked. Darrell laughed and said ''Yeah!''
Howard asked Darrell if he ever got high or drunk doing the show live. Darrell said he didn't do that when they'd do a live show. He said they did know that he was getting out of control and warned him that he had to straighten up though.
Howard said he must have a complete disgust for women. Darrell said that he had a great maid who was very loving to him. He said Howard is right that he had a bad relationship with his mother. He said that he hasn't really had any relationships with women. He said he's not a womanizer. Howard said a womanizer really hates women. He said they fuck women and they want to fuck them over since they've been fucked over. Howard said it's all about just fucking a woman and moving on to the next.
Darrell said when he was in his 20s he chased women around but he never felt like he hated them. Howard asked if he can love a woman. Darrell said he can but it's hard to have sex with a woman you love. Howard said he has intimacy issues. He asked if he dates. Darrell said he does once in a while. Darrell said that he's selfish or self centered or they'll lose interest in each other. He said he can be friends with people.
Howard asked if he'd rather be home in bed. Darrell said that he likes to be alone at times but not all the time. Howard asked if he still has nightmares. Darrell said that he doesn't anymore. He said he's been sober for a while now and things have been good. Darrell said he had a personal rule about people being punished or he'd kill himself. He said he got over all of that but he's still in therapy two times a week. Howard said he's in therapy for 3 days a week and he thinks that Darrell is more fucked up than he is. Howard said he must be really fucked up if he's doing more than Darrell.
Howard said Darrell is still a very positive person and the only person he really bashes in his book is Paris Hilton. He said that Darrell didn't like her but he still wants to fuck her and maybe even marry her. Howard said Darrell talks about how she'd come on SNL and on her second time there she'd complain about how many rehearsals they had to do. He said that it took him 18 years to get on the show and only a month for Paris to get on the show.
Howard said Darrell mentioned John McCain and how he wouldn't do an impression of him on the show. Howard said he could relate to him being a prisoner. Darrell said that his dad wanted him to play McCain too but he just couldn't do it.
Howard asked Darrell if he thinks he was born with a black cloud over his head. Darrell said he used to think that. Howard said he read about this guy that Darrell was sponsoring who ended up killing himself because he was in love with Darrell and Darrell told him he wasn't gay. Darrell said that's when he started wearing black. Darrell said he was really into clothes back then and then it seemed trivial to him. He said this guy's kid called him and told him that her daddy committed suicide. He said he couldn't take it. He said that they had a closed casket funeral which was really crazy. Darrell said he spun out after that. He said this was all before SNL. Darrell said that they put a fake head in the casket because he shot himself in the face with a magnum. He said there wasn't enough bone in the head to rebuild it. Howard asked why that upset him. Darrell said he's not sure why it struck him as so horrifying. He said there was a body there and there used to be a head. He said the guy told him he was in love with him and he told the guy he wasn't in love with him and then he killed himself. He said he was trying to make him feel bad and it worked.
Darrell said that a guy without a head is pretty tough to ignore. Howard said it seems like one bad thing after another. Darrell was sober for 5 years before that but then he started drinking again.
Howard said Darrell was at an inauguration and he was sent home because he was so drunk. Howard said he thinks about all of his performances on SNL and he was always in control. Howard said it was amazing. Darrell said that he'd clean up on Saturday's for the show.
Howard said Darrell went to rehab and he saw a woman who looked just like Angelina Jolie. Darrell said that she would go get some methadone and get high on that. She was fucking everyone there. Darrell said that she wanted to give him a ''steaming Karl.'' Darrell said he had some Seraquil which is a damn fine drug. He said that she heard he had it and she wanted to give him the steaming Karl for that. Darrell said it's something about blowing you and taking the shit out or something like that. He wasn't even sure what it means. Howard asked how one pulls shit out of another's ass. Darrell said she referred him to shiteaters.com.
Howard said Darrell used to play Truman Capote in a play and he used to be able to do a great impression. Darrell said he can't remember how to do it but he could if he heard a tape. Darrell said he ended up getting into a car accident on his way to do the play one night. He said he was in the passenger seat and that ended that whole play. He said he was probably in the hospital for one or two nights. He said he was pretty injured but he just wanted to go home. He said he got some Oxycontin and he did that for a month. He said he's clean and sober now. He said he is on Welbutrin now though. He said that's an antidepressant. He said it feels really good and there are no side effects.
Howard asked what it's like being on Welbutrin and if you wake up and you're happy. Darrell said it's not like that at all. He said you still have to check your attitude. Darrell said that he ended up in the hospital for 3 months last year. He said this was for a rehab kind of thing for trauma patients.
Howard asked what he's been diagnosed with. Darrell said it's just about everything that he's been diagnosed with. He said when they have you in a psych ward they'll just come up with something to get you out of there.
Howard asked if Darrell is working. He said he is on a TBS show that will be out next year. He said he's not making a lot of money doing it though. Darrell said that he was on SNL last year as Trump and he'll go back anytime they need him. He said he's not sure if people respect him to do movies and stuff. He has done ''Damages'' which was an FX show. He said he is happy at times. He asked Howard if he's ever happy. Howard didn't say yes.
Howard said Darrell's book is called ''God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked: Tales of Stand-Up, Saturday Night Live, and Other Mind-Altering Mayhem.'' Robin laughed at the title.
Howard asked Darrell if he believes there is a god. He said it must be tough to believe when he went through what he went through. Darrell said that he does wonder how trees are made and things like that. He's not a very religious man though.
Howard gave Darrell some plugs for some book signing's and things like that. Howard asked when he last had some pussy. Darrell said it's been a while. Darrell said it might have been over a month. Fred kept throwing in Little Lupe audio drops of her saying ''Vagina pussy'' and things like that. Darrell had no idea what that was. Howard said he's a ventriloquist.
Howard said he didn't know that Darrell was doing crack as recently as 2009. Darrell said that it was just once. He said that stuff is great though. He said that it gives you a great feeling and he can see why they want it to be illegal.
Howard said this is some story. He said he feels that they glossed over a lot of it. He said they could probably spend 10 hours going over it. Howard said he knows talent and he's been in this fucking business for 35 years. He said he's had number one shows, specials, books, soundtrack, movie and more. He said he thinks that Darrell is talented and ''America have spoken...'' and he's talented. Darrell thanked him for that. Howard said these fucking assholes who run show business don't know what they're doing.
Howard asked if he's still in touch with the maid who was nice to him. Darrell said that she's passed. Howard said he can't catch a break. Howard asked if any of the people in the green room were women. Darrell said that they're both women. Howard asked if he could meet them. Darrell told them to come in.
Howard asked the women how they know Darrell. One woman said that she met him about 22 years ago. She said she met him in Hell's Kitchen. Howard asked if she's the one who offered him the Steaming Karl. She said she isn't that one. She said she has met some women who would like to be with Darrell. She said they don't have that kind of relationship. Darrell said that they did broach the subject years ago but it was her idea that it wouldn't work. She has a man. The other woman said she has a man as well. Howard said he sees now. Howard said he knows of one woman who is available and her name is Robin Quivers. Darrell warned her that he's no day at the beach. Robin said that they could only go wrong.
Howard said that these women are married and he shouldn't be fucking around with them. He said he knows their type. He said they're just teases. Howard asked if they're going to the book signings. They said they are. Howard wished Darrell the best and said he hopes he has a drug free future. Darrell wished Howard the same. They wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard came back and thanked the listeners who ordered the North Shore Animal League calendars. Howard said he knows they'll be shipped soon. He said people can stare at his beautiful photography all day long now.
Howard asked what's going on with Fred's eye. Fred said he had a medical procedure done and it has gone awry. He said it looks worse than it feels though. He said that he had something on his lower lid and they sliced it and it went wrong. Howard said it looks painful. Fred said it's probably bruised from the last time he went in. Fred said shit happens.
Howard asked if he had Jon Leiberman out there with his news report. Jon came in and said that the show Black on Black's future is in question. He said that the contractual 20 run show is over and now Big Black has a phobia and he doesn't want to come in and record the show. He said that King of All Blacks has suggested that they do the show from Big Black's apartment or maybe find another sidekick for him. Howard said that they might want to go out on a high note. He said that Seinfeld went away and now people just want to talk about it.
Jon mentioned that Scott DePace has been using a camera in the studio to spy on the screen to see who is waiting on the phones. He said that Steve Brandano wasn't giving him a heads up. Howard cut him off and said that practice is over now and he doesn't want DePace to read the screen anymore. Scott said he was doing nothing wrong. Howard said case closed. Scott said he's not spying on him. He said he's being informed. Gary said he shouldn't be coming into Will's office to look at the screen either. Scott said Gary told him to look around to see what's going on. Howard said he's going to straighten everyone out now. He said that no one is to look at the screen with the callers on it. He said that's for his eyes only. Robin asked why he's looking.
Scott said Jon is making this stuff up. Jon said that he is not. He said he did a real report and he's looking at the screen to see if anyone is calling in about him. Scott came into the studio and said he explained it to Jon 10 times. He said it had nothing to do with taking phone calls down. Jon said that he just said in the interview that he would look at the callers that were on the line. Howard said he doesn't want Scott to be informed like that. He said it's not helping him do anything. Scott said he has to be ready to put up a picture of the person that's on the line. He said if he's not prepared for it then it's not going to work.
Gary came in and said that they will put up pictures of people like Captain Janks but that could be done in post.
Howard said he'd guarantee that if Scott is in a battle with Jason he'll want to know who is on the line to see who is calling in about him. Scott said that's bullshit. He said there is nothing bad he can find out by looking.
Scott said this is such a non story. Jon said it is a story. He said if it was a non story they wouldn't be talking about it.
Howard said he doesn't want Scott to put the camera on the screen. He said he doesn't want anyone in there to be looking at his screen. Scott said that's illogical. Scott said there's nothing that could happen by him looking. Robin said she thinks he's screaming because he got caught. Scott said he's not caught, he told them that he was doing it.
Howard said he's done. Scott went out in the hall and continued yelling. Fred said that Scott tries to bully everyone yelling about getting people to come in there to scare them.
Howard said that Chris Martin will be introduced into this nightmare tomorrow. Jon went over some more things and said that Scott will be blogging about the World Series of Bowling for the PBA. Jon said they're trying to work out a deal for Scott to bowl when the show isn't on the air too. Howard let Jon go after that.
Howard mentioned the Dumber Than a Box Of Rocks contest. Howard said they have three girls coming in to play the game. He said that they have to take a break before getting to that.
Howard came back and sang along to the Bon Jovi song. Robin started singing along too. Howard quickly moved on to the game and said they're going to play Dumber Than a Box Of Rocks now. He said the winner will get $5,000. Howard said the girls all make good money doing various things but 5 grand is a good amount. He said they have money for the second place winner too but nowhere near 5 grand.
Howard said the game is simple. He'll ask very simple questions and if the girls get one wrong they have to say they're as dumb as a box of rocks. Howard said the questions are not difficult.
Howard said first up was Britney Stevens. He said she has been on the show and she talked about being in porno. He said she makes $300-$1000 an hour being on cam. Britney said she's going to be at a new club in Miami soon. Howard said she was on the last version of Dumber Than a Box of Rocks. Howard said she didn't study this time. She said she didn't know what they were going to ask her about so she didn't know what to study.
Howard said that Britney is still making porno films. He said she does a thing where she pushes out her gaping asshole so it looks like a flower. Howard asked what that means. Britney said that she's been told it looks like a rose after she's had sex. She said that people love it.
Howard introduced Baylee Lee who is the second contestant. She was in a porno but she got into stripping instead. Howard said that she was making better money stripping than she was doing in porno. She said she can make $2-5,000 a night. Howard said she was offered $7,000 to have sex with a guy at a strip club but she turned that down.
Howard said that Baylee did a sex scene where she had three men at once. Howard said she's no dummy. She has an associates degree in criminal justice. Howard said she might know a thing or two. She said she was going to get into crime scene investigation. Howard said she doesn't speak to her family. She said her parents passed away when she was younger. That would explain why she doesn't talk to them.
Howard said Baylee is an escort too. She said she doesn't tour Los Angeles. She said they always flake on you out there. She said she gets about $350 an hour to do that. Baylee said that she gets $7,000 to do a whole weekend. Howard asked what the difference is between an escort and a prostitute. She said that an escort is more high end.
Howard said that Jenna Presley is the next contestant. He said that she's also an escort. Jenna said she used to be able tog et $3,000 an hour. She said it's more like $2,000 an hour now. She thinks that Baylee should be charging more. Jenna said she can get up to 10 clients a day while she's in New York. She said she can make $40,000 a day. She said that even in this economy she can do very well. Howard asked if she's ever had any famous guys. She said she name dropped last time she was on. She said she didn't want to mention who that was again.
Howard asked what Jenna does when a guy is disgusting like him. She said he's not disgusting. She said she used to masturbate to him. Howard said that he smells a freebie. Gary said that Jenna is a squirter. Howard asked if guys really want that. Jenna said that it just happens. She said she's not a big fan of it. The other two girls said that they squirt too. Jenna said that some guys know just where the G-spot is and they know how to hit it just right. Howard asked Gary to drop a plastic sheen on him just in case.
Howard said he heard that Jenna was going to be with a black man in a porno. She said she had amazing chemistry with him and her pussy got so wet when she met him. She said that it was amazing when she did it. Jenna said that they did about 35-40 minutes together. Howard said it must be tough to last that long with her. She said they cut in the middle of it so they can stop and rest. She said that there are also polls they can take to make their loads bigger. Howard asked what was so great about Lexington Steel. She said that he just looked at her in a way that was an instant connection. Howard asked if she ever asks to get together with a guy like that off screen. She said that Lexington actually did that and she had to turn him down. She said she's having sex with a guy now and he is a brother.
Howard asked Jenna what kind of money she's made doing the escort thing. She said that one guy paid her $20,000. She said he was actually a handsome man too. She said she's had guys pay her for sex and they're famous guys. She said she's not going to name names though.
Howard said it was time to get to the game. He said each question was worth 5 points. He told them that they have to say ''I'm dumber than a box of rocks'' if they don't know the answer. He said that you can see a picture of the girls on Twitter @sternshow
Howard said that Jenna thought that she was possessed last time she was on the show. Howard asked if she got the devil out after that. She said that she was baptized and it's gone now. She said she felt she was on a bad path back then and how she's doing better. Jenna said that she felt something leave her body when she had the baptism.
Howard asked Jenna if she was wearing panties today. She said she was. Baylee was wearing panties too. Britney was pantyless. Howard told her to prove it so she did.
Howard got to the game and asked the first question which was ''What does the DC in Washington DC stand for?'' Britney was up first. Britney didn't answer right away. She had to think about it. Howard asked if she even knows what Washington DC is. She said it's a state. She thought it was ''something capitol.'' Howard told her to take a shot at it. Britney didn't know so she had to say ''I'm dumber than a box of rocks.''
Howard asked Baylee if she knew what it meant. She didn't know either. Howard asked her to guess what it was. Baylee didn't have a clue. She had to say she's dumber than a box of rocks too. Howard asked Jenna what it means. She didn't know either. Jenna said she knows that the President lives there. Howard told her to say she's dumber than a box of rocks. Howard said it stands for District of Columbia.
Howard moved on to the second question which was for Britney again. This one was ''GM is the abbreviation for what company?'' Howard asked if she knew. Britney knew some of their vehicles but not what GM stands for. Britney had no idea. Howard said maybe Baylee knows. Britney had to say she's dumber than a box of rocks first though. Baylee said she didn't know either. Jenna was happy because she thought she knew the answer. Baylee said she thinks it means ''Target.'' Howard had her say she's dumber than a box of rocks. Jenna said she thinks it means ''General Motors.'' She was correct. She said she knows random knowledge. Howard said it's a car company. He didn't understand how the other girls didn't know.
Howard asked the next question which was ''Spell RETARDED.'' Britney spelled it ''RETARDTED.'' Howard said she had to say she's dumber than a box of rocks once again. Britney did that. Baylee said she's dyslexic. She said it's ''REATRAD.'' She said her line. Jenna spelled it ''RETARTED'' as well. Howard said she got it wrong too. She knew she was wrong right as she was finished it.
Howard moved on to the next question which was ''What is our first lady's first name?'' Britney didn't even know what the first lady was. Howard said he can't tell her what it means. Howard told her she has to take a guess on this one. Howard said she has to know who the first lady is to take a guess. Howard said it wouldn't be fair to the other girls to tell her what the first lady is. Britney had no clue. She had to say she's dumber than a box of rocks. Baylee said she didn't know either. She didn't have a clue what a first lady was either. Baylee asked if she's black or white. Howard said they can't answer that either. Howard said there appears to be smoke coming out of her ears. Baylee gave up. She had to say she's dumber than box of rocks. Howard asked Jenna what the answer is. She knew it was Michelle Obama and she's the wife of the President.
Howard said he's not going to say Jenna is running away with it yet but they have to get into this game. He asked Britney ''What is paper made from?'' She knew it was trees. Howard gave her 5 points. Howard asked Baylee ''A pickle is made from what vegetable?'' Baylee said ''Wait, a pickle is made from a vegetable?'' Howard asked her if she had any idea or a guess. She said ''Peas.'' Howard said he loves her. He said she's sexy and fun. Howard asked Baylee to say she's dumber than a box of rocks. Howard asked Jenna if she knew. She said it was a cucumber. She said Jesus is on her side.
Howard asked Britney ''If the big hand is on the 3 and the small hand is on the 6, what time is it?'' She said it was 3:30. Howard said he had to accept that. She was wrong. She knew she was wrong. She said she's dumber than a box of rocks. Howard asked Baylee what time it would be. She looked at her watch and guessed it was 6:15. Howard said that is correct. She got one right finally.
Howard asked Jenna ''Where is Tiananmen Square?'' Jenna had no idea what that was. Howard said it's been in the news a lot. Howard said it's a very famous place. She said that she's going to say in Japan. She got it wrong and said she's dumber than a box of rocks. Howard asked Britney if she knew. Britney said she'll say Iraq. Wrong. Baylee didn't know either. She said it was New Orleans. Howard had to tell them it was in China. Jenna said she was close.
Howard asked Britney what 9x9 was. She got it right with 81. Howard asked Baylee ''In which country where Jewish people killed during the Holocaust.'' She said Germany and got another one.
Howard asked Jenna what WWW stands for. She had no idea. Howard said that Baylee is jumping up and down. She knows the answer. Jenna guessed it was ''World Web...'' She said she's dumber than a box of rocks. Britney knew the answer. They had a tie of 15-15 with Britney and Jenna. Howard said that it was getting tough.
Howard asked Baylee ''How many days are in 2 years?'' Baylee said she's going to say it's 768. Howard said that's wrong. Howard asked Jenna how many it was. Jenna said she's confused by how many there are in one year. She wasn't sure if it was 360 or 365. She said she's going with 730 days. Howard said she was correct.
Howard asked Britney ''Spell URINE.'' She spelled it ''URINE'' and got it right. She was tied with Jenna. Howard asked Jenna ''Who was accused of killing John F. Kennedy?'' Jenna said ''Oh my god...'' Howard said she looks great and her breasts are great. She said that they're 650 CC's. Jenna said she just saw something recently about the Kennedy's and she's not sure who the assassin was. Howard asked her to take a guess. Britney looked like she might know the answer. Jenna ran out of time. She said she's dumber than a box of rocks. Howard asked Britney what her guess was. Britney said she's not smiling because she knows the answer. Howard asked what his wife would be referred to as. She didn't even know that she was the first lady. Fred played some laughter behind her. Howard asked Britney if she knows the answer. She had no idea who killed Kennedy. She guessed it was Saddam Hussein. Howard asked Baylee if she knew. She didn't either. It was Lee Harvey Oswald.
Howard asked Jenna ''Who invented the telephone.'' She said it was Alexander Bell. She won the 5 grand. Howard said this was a tough one. Howard said that Baylee was coming on strong toward the end there.
Howard had the big presentation of the check next. Howard said Frank D'Angelo from Cheetah Power Surge came in with the check. Howard introduced Jenna to him and Jenna thanked him for the check. She said it will go to a great cause. She said part of it will go to her church. Frank was able to get in a plug for his book ''Being Frank'' and also said he's the inventor of Cheetah Power Surge. Howard said he likes that he made something that peps you up without caffeine.
Howard asked Frank if he's single. He said he is. Howard told the girls that he's single and Jenna sounded like she was into him. Howard thanked Frank for sponsoring the contest. Jenna thanked him for the 5 grand again. Howard said he had $500 prizes for the other two girls.
Howard asked Britney if she wanted to do her asshole rose thing for them. She said she can't really do it on command. Howard said they all have to practice spelling the word Retarded.
Ralph called in and said that this was a fantastic game and he's never felt so smart in his life. He said when the one girl got the name of the game wrong that was his favorite moment. Howard wrapped up and gave the girls some plugs before going to break.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that maybe the girls should read a paper or something. Howard said they don't have a man supporting them so they're busy working.
Jon ran down more of his list and Fred played Robin into her news with a song parody from Eli Braden. Howard asked Robin what she had in the news. Robin started off with a story about Brett Ratner getting into more trouble. Howard said he had a lot of email that was brutal toward Brett. He said a lot of people were upset with him. He read through a few of those emails. Howard said people thought he was gross and they shouldn't give him any air time. Howard said he's not sure why there's so much dislike for the guy. Someone was hoping he'd die from something being dropped from a building on him.
Howard said not everyone got blasted. Chyna got some nice email. Howard said that she hit a home run yesterday. He said some people said they were puking after hearing her talking about masturbating and her asshole bleeding.
Howard said some people asked if he shut Fred up during the Chyna interview. Howard said he didn't tell Fred to keep quiet. Fred said if there was a good place to do his voice he would have done it. He said he wasn't silenced though.
Robin got back to her story about Brett Ratner and said that he got into some trouble for using the word ''fag'' when he was asked about rehearsing for the movie. She said that he said ''rehearsing is for fags'' and he had to apologize and explain himself about that. Howard said he heard that there may be some issues with the Academy Awards after that. Howard said that they say that there is no more room for screw ups after that. Howard said they should destroy that phone call he made to the show.
Robin said that Lindsay Lohan reported to jail and she was released 5 hours later. Robin said because of the over crowding in California she only had to serve 5 hours of her 30 days. Robin said she's no sure how to make an impression on her when she never really gets punished. Robin and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about her Playboy shoot and things like that. Howard said he heard that Hef wasn't happy with her shoot and she had to do more.
Robin said that Joe Frazier has died. Howard said that's very sad. He said he was on the show and made some great radio. Robin said she's not sure how to feel about it. She said that he will never sing to her again. She said that he passed away yesterday after a battle with cancer. Robin said he had three legendary fights with Muhammad Ali. Robin said Muhammad Ali made a statement about how he'll always remember him with respect and admiration. Robin had some quotes from George Forman and some others as well. Howard said that Ali was brutal toward Joe. He said that he will really miss Joe himself.
Robin said the verdict came down in the Conrad Murray trial yesterday. Robin said people seem to be happy with the outcome. Robin said that they say that Conrad was convicted in the involuntary manslaughter case. Robin said that the public appears to agree with that verdict. Robin said that Rebbie Jackson was on The Today Show talking about the case. She had some audio of her on the show talking about that. Robin pronounced Rebbie's name in an odd way so Howard corrected her and then said it was more like Rabbi Jackson. Fred played some Gilbert Gottfried singing some Hebrew song after hearing that.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he went to the theater and saw ''Tower Heist'' and he didn't like it. He said that the movie just didn't work. He said he's seen Eddie Murphy do that character before. He said that they got it wrong with black people having Doberman's in the movie. He said that they have pit bulls, not Doberman's. He said he actually saw the movie twice. Howard said you can't hate something and see it twice. King said he likes Eddie Murphy so he really wanted to like it. Howard told him to go see it a third time.
Robin had more about the Conrad Murray case and said that he can only get 4 years in prison. Robin said he was taken to jail immediately after the verdict came down. Robin said that he's on suicide watch right now. Howard said he figured that everyone was on suicide watch when they went to prison. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the break, around 9:45am, Howard came back and had Robin get to some more news. Robin read a story about Herman Cain holding a news conference today. He's going to address the story about the woman who came out yesterday about her sexual harassment case against him. Robin said that this woman, Sharon Bialek, talked about why she didn't come forward before now. Robin had some clips of her talking about that yesterday. Robin said that Cain was on Jimmy Kimmel last night and she had some clips of that as well. Robin said they say a 5th woman has come forward claiming that she was harassed.
Robin read about a study that was done that found a lot of kids in high school are sexually harassed. Robin said that some of them want to skip school because of that harassment. Howard said he had no sexual harassment in school. He said he did get beat up but he was never sexually harassed.
Robin read about this coach Joe Paterno who allegedly turned a blind eye to some stuff going on with another coach at this school he was working at. Gary said that Joe didn't see this stuff going on so he's not sure why they're going after him. Howard said the guy he has a problem with is the guy who actually saw something going on and didn't go to the police immediately. Robin said they don't say who that person is exactly. Howard said you really fuck up a kid for life when you do something like this guy allegedly did.
Robin read a story about some kids who have been killed near a college and there's a guy who has come out saying that parents have to teach their kids not to freak out and think they can kill someone when another person does wrong. Robin said that they say that students are killing other students and that's what this is all about.
Robin asked Howard what the poverty line is in this country. Howard guessed it was under 20,000. Robin said it's more in the 25,000 range. She said that's for a family of four. Robin said that's who the poor people are and now they say that there are 49 million poor people living in this country. Howard said most of them are probably DJs working in small markets. Robin had some audio of someone talking about the wealth gap too. Robin said that things are bad. Howard said we're up shits creek.
Robin read about some new movies that are coming up soon. Robin said that ''Immortals'' is coming out on 11/11/11 and she had some audio of one of the actors, Henry Cavill, talking about that movie.
Robin read about the movie J. Edgar which is coming out soon. Robin said that Leonardo DiCaprio will be in that and it was directed by Clint Eastwood. Howard said it sounds interesting to him. Robin said that Army Hammer will also be in the movie and she had some audio of him talking about that movie.
Robin read about the new Twilight movie that's coming out. Howard said he's looking forward to that. He said he likes those movies. Robin said she does too even though she knows they're bad movies. Robin had some audio of one of the stars of the movie talking about that. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:05am.
Gary said Scott came to him and threw Brian Phelan under the bus when he brought it up. He said he just wants to talk about him and not anyone else. Jon noticed that Jason came in and said that things are just going to get worse if he's in there.
Gary said that Jason set his alarm 10 minutes early to do his meditation today and they already get up really early. Jason was talking about Scott DePace though. He said that Scott won't come in because Gary is in there. Gary said he's not sure why it's about him and not about Scott. The story is about Scott, no one else. Gary said he's up for hearing Scott's side. Jon said he is too.
Jason said he's not sure when he's going to do the TM thing but you can make small adjustments to your life to fit this in. He's not sure why Lisa doesn't want to do it. He said he thinks she just doesn't want to. Jon asked why she wouldn't just say that then. Jason said he's not sure.
Jason ended up talking about his balding and why he's not just shaving his head. Jason said he's about half bald and he can still pull off having some hair. He said he will eventually shave his head. He said once he goes bald he's going to be the bald guy for the rest of his life. He said he isn't sure how that's going to be.
Gary asked Jason how many people he thinks don't have a balding issue. Jason ran down a list of guys who are balding. He said that Sal is balding but he's using medication. He said that Jim McClure has a very high forehead. Jim was in there so he said he does have a balding issue.
Jon said he has a balding issue that he doesn't see all the time. Jason said he has a bald spot in the middle of the left side of his head but you only see it when the lights are on him.
Benjy asked about the clock question because he wasn't sure what the big hand and little hand meant. He was kind of mixed up about that. Jon said that they were speculating on how some of the staff, namely Sal, would end up doing. Jon said he thinks that he could have given the girls a run for their money.
Gary said Sal submitted some questions and he even had those wrong. He said he was the one who asked about the ''First lady'' but he said ''first ladies.''
Gary said that Baylee would tell them about an affliction she had when she got one wrong. She said she was ADHD and then said she was Dyslexic. He said that was kind of funny. They also talked about the shock of the pickle being made of a vegetable that the girls had.
Jon asked Will why he doesn't think Scott will come down. Will said Scott was arguing with him back there and Scott was calling him one of those liars. Will said that all he told Gary was that Scott has complained about the callers who call in about him. He said he didn't say he was ordering them around or anything.
Jon said that Scott has been accused of using a camera to spy on the screen to see what calls are up for Howard. Steve Brandano takes the calls there and he said that he may have said something wrong when he said that Scott has asked them to take callers off. He said that Scott has commented on the calls that they do put up for Howard. He said Scott has commented on the callers who call in about him maybe 10 or 15 times.
Will said there are a lot of people who ask for certain things not to be put on the board. Gary asked who they are because he didn't know that was going on. Will said that certain people will look at the notes they put up to see how they're being thrown under the bus.
DePace came in and Gary said that he doesn't even want to talk to him now. Gary got off mic and didn't say anything. Jon asked DePace what he was so upset about. Scott said he doesn't like the lies. He said that Steve is someone who lied about something. Steve said it was just one thing. Scott said he's not sure why they're saying that he asked them to remove stuff. He said they just have a conversation and he never asks them to remove these people from the phones.
Gary got on mic and asked Scott if he expects them to take them down. Scott said he doesn't expect it. He said it's just conversation. Jon asked why he's looking at the screen in the first place. Scott said one reason is so he can put a picture up on the screen. He said it takes about 15 seconds to do it. He said they have to go back and edit it if they don't get it in live. Scott said that he might put a message up for Howard and they want to see if the guys are putting the message up for Howard to see. Gary said that's their call to make though. Scott said they need to know so they can put the note up for Howard so they can do it later if they don't do it then. Scott said this is all about communication and it's no different looking at the monitor on camera or at Will's desk. Gary said he'd tell him not to look at Will's monitor ether.
Jon asked Scott if he ever looked at the screen to see if someone was talking about him after he was in the studio. He told him to be honest. Scott said he is being honest. He said it's the rest of them who aren't telling the truth.
Scott said what he possibly has done is look at the screen to see what people are calling in about. He said Jon Leiberman made it sound like he's been spying on them. He said he's just looking at stuff going on in the studio. Scott said it's not a big deal. He said there are two monitors in the studio and at Will's desk where they list the callers and anyone can look at them.
Scott said that Jason is trying to make something out of nothing. Jason said Scott is the king of making something out of nothing. He just turned this nothing into a 3 hour argument.
Gary said he's never seen anyone throw a temper tantrum like Scott. He was pounding on his desk while talking to Howard. Jason said that the best way to get through to your dog or to Howard is to hit something. Scott told Jason to take some more Welbutrin. He said he seems extra happy today.
Gary said Scott was saying that he felt ganged up on. Scott said he never said that. Jason said that's what Gregg said. Gary asked if he thinks that he's a bully. Scott said he's not. Jason said that it does seem like he is the bully around there.
Gary said he's not even in on this whole thing so he's not sure what the problem is. Scott said he is part of it. Gary said that if someone gives him an answer and he brings it into Howard then he's got nothing to do with it. Scott should be able to handle that. Scott said he never told anyone to take anyone off the screen. Steve Brandano said he was asked if Scott had commented about the callers before and he said yes. Gary took that into Howard. Gary said that's all he told Howard.
Gary said he really doesn't think that Scott should be looking at the screen at all. Scott said he's not doing anything wrong but they're painting it as though it is. Scott said that he's not going to offer up anything from now on. Gary said if they give someone a plug to read then it's up to them to give it to Howard, not up to him. Scott said that he has nothing to do with those plugs. He said that's up to Doug Goodstein.
Gary asked Scott why he wasn't able to get this out earlier on the show. Scott said that he wasn't able to speak. He said that it's not just his issue. He said that everyone else does the same thing. Scott said that he doesn't care and it'll hurt their show a little bit but not that much.
Jon asked Scott why he didn't just come down earlier. Scott said he doesn't like certain jerk offs in there. He pointed out Gary and Jason. Gary said he had nothing to do with this. Gary said Scott just doesn't like him. Gary said he had nothing to do with this story at all. He said he should pull the giant bug out of his ass. He called him a giant fucking baby. Scott said Gary is the baby. He said he gave him all of that shit about the sleeping video. Gary said Scott is a fucking asshole. Gary had Jason giggling in the background as he was goofing on Scott.
Gary asked what his problem is with him. Scott said this all started when he gave Howard a Christmas card during a break once. Gary said he had nothing to do with that either. Scott said he thinks he did. Gary swore he didn't. Gary asked what else he has against him. Scott said that not being allowed in the studio during the breaks is wrong too. Scott said that everyone else is allowed in there but not him. Gary said that he's not the only one. There are a lot of people not allowed in.
Jason said that the origin of this story started last week when Jon Leiberman was doing a story about Scott not being able to find out when certain callers were on the line. He said he told Jon that Scott was using the camera to look at the screen. That led to it becoming a news story. Jason said that Scott admitted it to Jon Leiberman. Scott said that he's painting this as being something different than it is. Jason said he's really not. Jason said that Scott is always getting on the squawk box to tell Will what callers he doesn't like and correcting his spelling and things like that. Steve said he's not sure he's ever corrected his spelling.
Gary asked Scott if he understands that he had nothing to do with that today. Scott said he does understand that. They argued for another couple of minutes and then had to go to break.
Gary said that Scott thinks that this all started with the sleeping thing but that's not it at all. Jason said that Doug is not his boss and neither is Scott. He said that he does listen to Doug when he asks him to do something because he is running the TV show.
Gary said this is all about respect and Scott doesn't have any for him. Gary said he takes the blame when Jason does something that Scott doesn't like.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he doesn't agree with a lot of what Scott says but it seems that they do jump on him and he becomes the big whipping post and they enjoy knocking him down. Gary said he'd agree with him about the political stuff. He said that Scott enjoys fucking with people and when you see an opening you're going to take it. Jason said no one was piling on him today. He said it was all about his reaction to this story. Jason said that everyone gets piled on when they're in the studio for this show. Gary said there is a gang mentality and people do gang up on you.
Ralph called in and said he thinks that Scott just turns this into a gigantic thing beaus he has a guilty conscience about the whole thing. He said Howard just said he doesn't want it going on and he cut him off from talking about it. He said it's something that should be private. Ralph said no one should be looking at that screen. It should be just for Howard.
Jason said he wanted to get a recorder on Scott's squawk box because he's constantly on that thing talking to them in the office. He said he's never heard him ask them take someone down but he's always commenting about the callers. He said he'll ask why they put them up or something like that. Jon said they really aren't affected by that though.
Benjy said that's kind of their office culture though. He said they all do stuff like that. Jon said that there is a monitor back by JD too and people do look at that. Jason said he sits right next to the monitor and he never looks at it. He said he has no idea who is on the phone, ever. Gary said he doesn't usually do it either. He said he may have done it the morning after his bad pitch. He said he has to see what kind of calls are coming in. Gary said it's like looking at twitter. He said it's better not to look.
Benjy joked that he likes to look through that and he even likes to look through Howard's bag in the morning.
Ralph said no one should be looking at the screen. He said it's for Will and for Howard. Gary said they used to have people come into the office at K-Rock and tell Will to take down certain calls. He said he had to kick that person out of the office.
Jon asked Gary if Lucas was happy about being mentioned. Gary said he was very happy. He said he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world.
Jon asked Benjy about making out with Elisa. Benjy said they hit a milestone and he knows that she likes him in her heart but he's not sure if she's attracted to him or not.
Jason said that the jerk offs in the studio next to them are playing their music too loud. He said they play rap music and they turn it up way too loud. He said they should turn it down.
Jon and the guys told Benjy that Elisa should be fucking him for what he did. He got her music played on Rachel Maddow's show. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about what they had coming up today. Chris Martin from Coldplay is coming in. He said they have his piano in there and it's a cool looking piano. Howard said they asked Chris if he waned a Steinway and Chris wanted to bring his own in. He said it's the complete opposite of a Steinway. He said it's a stand up piano and it looks like it's got graffiti all over it. Howard said he thinks it looks pretty cool. He said it's actually an electric piano. Robin said she didn't know that. Howard said he looked at it and still didn't know it was an electric.
Howard said they have some news about Brett Ratner. He said that he's dropped out of doing the Oscars because of the interview he did there. Howard said Brett called in about the Michael Jackson incident the other day and they ended up talking about women he fucked and things like that. Howard said he found it refreshing because he was so honest. Howard said so many guys in Hollywood are carrying on with actresses and stuff and they gloss over it and pretend that they're not doing what they're doing. Howard said Brett came on and just spoke honestly.
Howard said Brett was apparently asked to produce the Oscars and now he's had to drop out. Howard said the same people that want Roman Polanski to be forgiven don't want Brett Ratner running the Oscars. Howard said there's a lot of confusing things going on in Hollywood. He mentioned that Hillary Swank went to the Chechen President's party and had no clue who the guy was or what he was about. Howard said there are a lot of loony people in Hollywood.
Howard said he was reading the Hollywood Reporter's web site and they talked about how Brett had used the word ''fag'' in an interview. Howard said he's stopped using the word himself but he doesn't think that Brett was gay bashing when he used it. He was asked about rehearsing in a movie and said ''rehearsing is for fags.'' Howard said Brett then came on his show and now they're saying that he's been fired from the Oscars for the comments he made on his show.
Howard said it looks like most of the quotes are from his show. Howard said that Brett's comments about sending his girlfriends to the doctor before having sex with them is one of the issues they have. Howard said he doesn't understand why that would be a problem. Robin said he can't be serious. Robin said the country is so puritanical that they're never going to let this stuff go.
Howard said they say that Brett talking about Olivia Munn is another problem with these people. Howard said that Brett felt bad about what he did to Olivia. He also talked about how big his balls are and how he had never used a condom. Howard said he liked his honesty about that. Howard said Brett also talked about his huge sperm count.
Howard said that kind of conversation might be wrong during the Academy Awards but not during the Howard Stern Show. Howard said Brett also talked about oral sex and how great he is at it.
Howard said he's not sure what we're talking about here. Howard said the guy has had a long time career in show business. Robin said he should have known that any of these things were inappropriate.
Gary said that the L.A. Times said that going on the Howard Stern show was a knucklehead move to begin with. Howard said someone over there has a problem with him. He said he's not sure what's so knucklehead about going on this show. Howard said that they have people out there in L.A. who think that Roman Polanski should be forgiven. That's knucklehead.
Howard said he thinks that Eddie Murphy is going to back out of the Oscars now that Brett is out. Howard said he'd like to call Brett and tell him how sorry he feels for him. He said he thinks this is ridiculous. Howard said being the world's best pussy eater should be an asset. Gary didn't have a number for Brett. Howard asked if a publicist got them in contact. Gary said that's the way it went.
Howard said he did the shoot during the summer but he tried to make it look like January was cold. He showed Robin some of the pictures and said that some of the animals in the calendar are still available for adoption.
Howard said some of the animal's stories are heart breaking. He said they have pictures of some of the puppies posing for a picture. He said they had 7 of them and he was able to get them to pose for a second. He said they run away pretty quick though. Howard said you can go to AnimalLeague.org to get the calendar. Howard said he ordered 1,000 of them to give to people for Christmas. Robin said she was going to do that too.
Howard played a clip of some reporters talking about what Brett said on the Howard Stern Show. A couple of women were talking about how wrong it was of Brett to send his girlfriends to the doctor to get them checked out for STDs. One of the women called him a scumbag. Howard said he was being responsible.
Howard said Brett didn't abuse anyone or fuck a kid in the ass. Howard had some audio of Brett using the word ''fag'' during an interview. Someone had asked about rehearsals and he said that rehearsal is for fags.
Howard said he thinks that they should get Herman Cain for the Oscars. Robin said they can't use him either. Howard said Herman Cain said he wanted to take a lie detector test and people were saying that he should take it on the Howard Stern Show with Ed Torian. Howard said that would be great. He said he thinks that Sam Simon started that charge. Howard said he'd love to have Herman come on the show and take his lie detector test from Ed.
Howard said he thinks that the L.A. Times has an agenda to keep people off his show. Howard said they say that it's a bone head move just to come on the show at all.
Howard said it seems like their interviews all get into the news these days. Robin said they should put the word out that they want Herman Cain on the show. Gary said JD wants to do a Herman Cain sexual accuser beauty pageant. Howard said he would consider that. Gary asked if he had seen the girls though. Howard said they can still have a pageant for them. He said even girls like that need a pageant.
Howard said they point out that the human brain can really do strange things. He said one woman woke up out of a coma with a British accent. Howard said he has nothing against gay people but he wants to remain heterosexual.
Howard said that this guy had been a rugby player and he was a 266 pound guy. Now he's 154 pounds who is a hair dresser and bleaches his hair and lives with his boyfriend. Howard said the guy was showing off doing a back flip but he suffered a stroke when he hit his head. He was in a coma and when he came out of it he wasn't into women anymore. Howard said that they say the coma can do things to you but this is a new one. Howard said the guy started to dislike sports after the coma. He quit his job and started a new career in hair dressing. Howard said he's not sure how that's not on the front page of the news.
Howard said he has a few choices for Gary. He asked Gary what he would do if he ended up waking up out of a coma with half his face not moving. Howard said he would talk like Kirk Douglas. Howard asked Gary if he would rather wake up gay or talking out of half his face. Gary said he'd probably go for the paralyzed thing. He said he wouldn't want to tell his wife and kids he woke up gay. Gary said that if he was gay he'd probably be happy about being gay.
Howard asked the guys if anyone would choose being gay. Fred said he thinks he would. He said that he might be able to rehabilitate himself out of that. Fred said maybe he could stay with his wife. He said he could be an a-sexual gay man. Fred said if he had to give blow jobs and stuff he's not sure he could do it.
Robin said they'd all choose to be gay. She said no one wants to be a gimp. Howard said he wouldn't want his health impaired. Robin said maybe Howard would be a top and not a bottom.
Howard said he got a note from the guys in the office and they were saying they'd rather be gay and not paralyzed.
The caller asked if Howard has been approached to do any game shows. Howard said that he has and every one of the shows seemed to be more work for him than for the contestants. Howard said he's been pitched ideas where he has to work to make people laugh and things. Howard said he just wants to sit there like Meredith Viera does on Millionaire. Howard said she just reads cards. Howard said that's the kind of game show he wants to do. He said Howie Mandel has the best job on Deal or No Deal. Howard said he doesn't do anything but ask ''Deal... or no deal.''
Howard said he heard Bebe talking about the genesis of how he became Bebe and it's the same kind of thing as Deal or No Deal. Howard said that show infuriated him. He said that people are so greedy on the show that they don't take a guaranteed 10 grand. He said they go for the million and the odds are a billion to one that you're going to win it. Howard said he'd take the 10 grand and walk.
Howard said he has a new game show... Homosexual or Crippled. Howard said they could have people chose what they'd want to be.
The caller mentioned something about karate and that led to Howard talking about how he ended up connecting with someone when he threw a fake punch in class. Howard said the guy talked to him about respect and humility and the teacher ended up kicking him in the throat. Howard said it was enough to scare him off. He said he wasn't into it after that. Howard said he used to love Karate. He said they'd tell you how to handle guys when they do something. He said you're not guaranteed that the other guy is going to do that though.
The caller said his brother choked him out and he ended up hitting his head on the counter. He said his mother told him to let his brother do that to him too. Howard said you have to love mother logic.
Howard said he used to love watching Yogi Bear cartoons. He said his sister liked watching shows at the same time so his mother came up with a plan. He said that she told them every other day you could watch what you wanted. Howard said he was like 5 and he had no concept of time. Howard said the next day came up and he wanted to watch Yogi. His sister didn't let him. He said his sister told him that she would let him watch it but for the rest of the year he had to let her watch what she wanted. He agreed to it because he had no idea what a year meant. Howard said she did this to him for about a week and he wondered if the year was over yet. Howard said he went to his mother and his mother said that he had agreed to a year so he had to keep the deal. Howard said he went away crying and he didn't get to watch Yogi for a full year. Howard said that his mother should have said that his sister took advantage of him.
Robin said that her brother did that to her once. She said they switched off days but one day he wanted to watch something and he got control of the TV. She said her mother told her that he was older than her so he had control. Howard said she should have moved out at that point. He said that wasn't even the worst thing her mother did to her.
Howard said this is like the Indians that sold Manhattan to the white man for $24. Fred played some American Indian singing as Howard was talking about that. Howard said he's busy coordinating Thanksgiving for these people.
The caller told Howard that he doesn't get why these people think that Howard has enough money and he should stop complaining about the company not paying him. Howard said that he made a deal and he wants it to be honored. Howard said that of course you're going to bitch about something like that if they make a deal and don't follow through. Howard said he has a contract and people can't decide that you make enough money. Howard said a deal is a deal. He said the caller was getting him upset and he had monopolized enough of their time. Howard said he's had it with people.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the Darrell Hammond interview was great yesterday. He said that Darrell's stories were brutal. He said he'd like to thank his parents for only hitting him with a wooden spoon. Robin said that you have to remember Darrell when you lament your own childhood. Howard said a lot of them are lucky to have the mother's they had. Howard said that Darrell has paid the price over and over again for what he went through. Howard said all of these demons are because of his mother. Howard said he's a really nice guy and he's so soft spoken. Howard said every time he looks at him he sees the little boy in him. Robin said he's someone who just wants to be loved.
The caller said he ordered the calendar too. Howard said that was very nice of him to do. Howard said he's involved with these animals and they're all so innocent. Howard said they rescue these animals from kill shelters and things like that. Howard said he looks forward to seeing their pets every day.
Howard said they have a lot coming up today. He said they have Chris Martin coming in and Beth is a big fan. Howard said he thinks that Beth would go down on Gwyneth Paltrow too. He said that she has a girl crush on her. Robin said she doesn't know her as a person but she doesn't find her interesting in movies or anything. Robin said she can't watch her movies. Howard said his wife adores her and Coldplay. Howard said she's way into the whole thing. Howard said Chris will be in and they have his piano in there. Howard said they'll sit and bullshit and he'll play some stuff for them. Howard said Chris has said that he never imagined he could be with someone like Gwyneth.
Howard said he got a note about Heavy D dying. Robin asked if he's ever been on the show. Gary didn't think so. Howard said that Richie sent him a note saying that he was Heavy D and not ''Healthy D'' so it didn't come as a shock. Howard said the guy was only 44 years old. Robin said that they wrote about how he was ''found dead'' which gets to her. Robin said that Heavy D was on a walkway when he was found dead. Howard said he didn't think of it like that. Howard asked Robin if she'd rather be found dead. Howard said he would. He said he doesn't want to be tortured. Howard said he doesn't want to have family visiting him as he's on a death bed. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that guy can really sing. Howard asked how he can vote for him. Robin asked what he's running for. Howard said he has to be on one of those shows where you call in and vote. Robin said they do have a show in Great Britain where people sing opera. Robin said they've never brought that over here.
Howard said he went to bed around 8 last night and he got a good sleep. He said he's so awake now. Howard said he had a lot of things to get to. He said he has this guy on the phone who is his hero. His name is Todd Stave. Howard said Todd should be applauded in a public forum.
Howard said Todd is involved in a war. He's being bullied. Howard said Todd is being bullied by people who are against abortion. Howard said Todd is a businessman who owns a building where he leases it out. Howard said a women's health center rented out some space in the building. He said that one of the things they do is abortions. Howard said this is legal in this country. Howard said women used to die doing them on themselves and now they're legal so doctors can perform the procedure. Howard said the officials who are against this type of thing would fly their children off to another country to have it done if it wasn't legal here.
Howard said Todd owns this building and the anti-abortion maniacs ended up showing up at his daughter's middle school. His daughter is 11 years old. Howard said that the protesters showed up to her school with a banner showing Todd's picture and phone number saying ''Please stop the child killing.'' Howard said they show pictures of him and of aborted fetuses. Howard said that Todd isn't shutting this down. Howard said this is racketeering and assault. This is legal so Todd has every right to lease out his space to this women's clinic.
Howard asked Todd what he did in response. Todd said that when his friends and neighbors saw his picture they thought he was running for office. They eventually read the banner and they were horrified. Todd said that they wanted to know what he was going to do to fight back. Howard asked how old he is. Todd is 44. He lives in Maryland.
Todd said he found out that one of these anti-abortion web sites had posted his home phone, address and his kid's names. Todd said what he did was make a list of everyone who was calling him and had his friends call these people. He said he asked them to be polite and tell them to thank them for their prayers and just say thanks. Todd said that he wanted those people to feel what it was like to get unwanted phone calls. Todd said that his friends spread the word and now they have 5,000 people calling these people back to let them know what it's like. Todd said that they stopped very quickly after that. Todd said that they asked him to have them stop calling. Todd said they were getting phone calls at work so they were getting upset about that.
Todd said that he showed them what it's like to get unwanted, unsolicited phone calls. Todd said that many of these 5,000 people were calling from all over the world. Howard said they were having fun with Todd. Howard said ''Good for you!'' to Todd about that.
Todd said that the local police ended up getting involved and they have statutes about harassment. He said that if you don't stand up for yourself they're just going to keep doing it. Todd said that his father was the one who started the clinic and he inherited the building from him. He said his dad was a doctor and he used to do the abortions there. He said his office was fire bombed in 1983.
Todd said that he has no problem with people protesting in front of the building. He said he doesn't like it but he doesn't think they should be stopped .
Todd said he has a web site for his organization Voice of Choice at VOChoice.org. Todd said that they want to know if you're being bullied like he was. He said they had nothing before he started this and now they have a voice of their own. Howard said he loves Todd. Todd said he's been listening to Howard for 30 years and he loves him too. Howard said if he has a stroke and becomes gay he's going to make him his boyfriend. Howard said Todd figured it out and took some action. Howard gave him a plug for his web site and let him go a short time later.
Howard said he has a man crush on this man. He said he's out of the closet now. Robin said that's great what he's done. Howard said opinions are fine but harassment isn't. Robin said that there was an initiative in Mississippi where they were going to say that life begins at conception and it got voted down. Howard said life doesn't begin until you're 5. Robin said it might be 10. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard asked what's going on with this whole thing. Howard said she made out with Benjy and she doesn't remember. Howard asked Benjy if this is debilitating to him. Benjy said it's really not. He said last week he was sad but now he's really enjoying it. Howard asked if she saw the TMZ report. Benjy said he doesn't know.
Howard asked what it means that she wants to move in. Benjy said he doesn't think it's a good idea to move in. He said that they might have to date for a while. Robin said it sounds like she won't date him if she doesn't move in. Howard said Benjy is so in love with her.
Lisa said that she wants to make Benjy into something she can be attracted to him because she's not attracted to him. Howard said it's insulting that she makes him wear a cap all the time. Benjy said that he was the one who brought that up. Howard said she should just deal with him and not make him grow a beard. Howard said it's kind of sad. Robin said it seems odd to her. She said she knows people do this trying to make themselves over to make someone like them. Robin said eventually he'll get pissed.
Lisa said that Elisa got him new shoes and new jeans. Howard took a look at his shoes and jeans. Howard laughed when he saw them. Benjy said he doesn't think he dresses well so what's wrong with dressing better. Howard said nothing. Robin said maybe her biological clock is ticking.
Lisa said she wants someone to love Benjy for who he is and not for who he could be. Benjy said maybe she likes him so much that she's trying to be into him. Howard said a girl has to be attracted to him to be into him. Benjy said that's not the way all girls work. He said they become attracted to them when they like them.
Howard had the TMZ clip to play. In that clip they talked about Benjy leaving the Friar's club and going to the press conference. They played all of his Elisa Jordana mentions and talked about how he was up there for 25 minutes.
Lisa told Howard that Elisa likes George Clooney and that's what she's trying to turn Benjy into. Benjy said that she's trying to make him better looking than George. Benjy also heard that Lisa is jealous. Lisa said she's not but she doesn't want him to get hurt. Howard asked Lisa if she could love Benjy. Lisa said that you have to want to kiss someone. Benjy asked who he's going to get then.
Howard asked Lisa about the Transcendental Meditation thing. Lisa said she should have just said it wasn't for her. She said that she knows herself and she's not into it that much. Howard said she was telling him that she didn't have time for it. Lisa said that it just wasn't for her.
Howard told Lisa it's not hard to take 20 minutes out of your day to do the meditation. Howard said he does it around 11 or so and when he wakes up in the morning. He said he feels it's that important to him.
Howard said if you have time to walk around your apartment video taping yourself then you have time to do that. Lisa said she would rather do other things and not do TM. Howard asked her how she would know. Lisa said she didn't want to waste her time doing this. Howard said his mother was very depressed and she stated doing the meditation thing and she's fine.
Lisa said that Ass Napkin Ed claims he was pushed down the stairs twice while trying to talk to a woman. Lisa said he was so drunk he has no idea how he got home that night.
Lisa said a fashion designer, Rory something, has named her whole collection after people on the Stern Show. She's such a fan she did that just for the show. She has stuff named after Ralph, Sal and Baba Booey among others. Lisa got in a plug for the intern show as she was wrapping up.
Howard said he wanted to play a game with this caller. He said he had $500 cash to give away. Howard said they also had movie tickets for a year from Fandango. Howard said Robin uses Fandango. Howard said the tickets are valued at $600.
Howard said this guy has to win this too. He said he's not just going to give it to him. Gary said they had that woman Debbie on the Biggest Whore Contest. She was the cum drinker. Howard said they asked Debbie after the show whose cum she would drink. Howard played an example question. Richard asked her if she would eat cum from a homeless person. Howard said the caller has to guess how she'll answer. The caller said he would say that she'd say no. Howard said this was just a test question. Debbie said she absolutely would.
Howard said they're going to play for 3 out of 5. He played the next one which was Saddam Hussein. Would she eat his cum? The caller said that he was going to say yes but Howard thought it would be no so the caller went with no. Howard asked if he was sure about that. The caller said he was. Howard played her answer and she said no.
Howard played the next one which was Bernie Madoff. Howard asked the caller what he thinks her answer would be. The caller, Joe, said he's going to say yes. Howard said he agrees with Joe. Debbie's answer was ''Yeah, I would... no problem with it.''
Howard played the next one which was about a guy with cock warts. Howard asked Joe what he thinks her answer will be. Joe said he thinks that she'll say no. Debbie's answer was ''Hmmm... Yeah.'' Joe got one wrong so he didn't win yet.
Howard said that she really is a dirty, filthy whore. Howard said he has two more to go to win. Howard played the next one and Richard asked if she would eat cum from a cock covered in feces. Howard and Joe talked about that one for a minute trying to figure out what her answer would be. Joe said he's going to say she's going to say no. Howard said he might be right but he's on his own on this one. Howard played her answer and Debbie said ''Okay, that I would do.'' Howard sounded shocked.
Howard said they're down to the final question. He said if Joe doesn't get it right he's going to lose. Howard played the next one and they asked Debbie if she would lick cum off of a piece of dog shit. Howard said maybe she's a dog lover. Howard tried to help figure it out with Joe. Joe asked Fred what he thinks. Fred said he thinks that she's going to say no to this one. Robin figured she'd say no too. She said they don't have a game if she doesn't say no sometime. Howard said Joe is on his own on this one too. Joe said he's going to have to say no. Debbie's answer was ''Ew, no.'' Howard said Joe won and sang ''Happy Days are Here Again'' for him. Howard got in some more plugs for Fandango and put Joe on hold.
Howard said one person asked their kids the same questions and they live in Canada and even they knew who the first lady was. Howard said he felt the whole thing was shocking. Howard said he'd like to do that game every day on the show.
Howard said he wanted to comment on the Joe Paterno thing. He said people are asking him what he thinks. Howard said he and Jason were talking about this and they used their office as an example. Howard said if Jason was in a shower fucking a young boy and Robin sees Jason doing it... Fred played some shower sounds and did his impression of Jason talking to a young boy. Benjy made some sounds of a young boy as Fred was doing his thing.
Howard said if Jason was fucking a 10 year old in the ass in the shower then Robin sees him, then she's in shock. Jason pulls his pants up and Robin comes to him and tells him what she saw. Howard said Robin fills him in but he hasn't seen it himself. Howard said Robin is a credible source and he believes her. Howard said he tells Robin that instead of going to the police he goes to Mel Karmazin and reports to him what Robin saw. Howard said he talks to Mel but Mel isn't speaking to him because he dared to sue the company. Howard said he reports it anyway. He ends up slipping a note under the door for Mel instead. Howard said Mel can slip a note under his door too. He said he prefers not to talk face to face.
Howard said he tells Sirius that there might be an issue. He said a couple of weeks go by and he doesn't hear anything. He figures it's the lawsuit but then it turns out they just haven't done anything. Howard said he wouldn't sit there with Jason and not do anything. He said he'd call the cops. Howard said he's Joe Paterno and Robin is the assistant that allegedly saw this other guy fucking the young boy in the shower. Howard said Sirius is Penn State and everyone there has guilt on their hands. Robin said that includes Joe Paterno. Howard said that's how you should look at it. He said he had to take a break and get Chris Martin in there.
Howard came back and wondered where Ozzy is. He said he was honored to have Chris Martin from Coldplay in the studio. Howard said Robin wants him so badly. Chris said he felt that out in the corridor. Howard asked if he was okay performing in the morning. Howard figured that he'd be exhausted. Chris said he's just treating this like a very late night.
Howard said that Chris is a very handsome man. Howard said he describes himself as the opposite of a lady's man. Chris said he was a man's man. Howard said he seems to have his head screwed on straight. He never really did the womanizing thing. Chris said he tried but he was terrible at it. He said no women were interested at 15.
Howard asked Chris if he likes being a rock star. Chris said it's a dream come true. He said he's wanted that since he was 11 years old. Robin asked what he was doing at 11. Chris said he was just singing very high and no one was listening. Howard asked if he even had pubes then. Chris said it came kind of late for him. He said it seemed late at the time. Howard asked if he wondered why he didn't have pubes while others did. Chris said that other than the song ''I long for Pubes'' no.
Howard asked if Chris' parents were encouraging. Chris said his dad was. He said he told him that he should leave there and go do what he wants. Chris said he thought that was great. Howard asked Chris if they wanted him to go to college. Chris said his dad told him it was unlikely to happen but he should to try. Howard asked if his dad got him piano lessons. Chris said they had a piano so kind of yes and no.
Howard asked Chris if he thinks he's a musical genius. Chris said he doesn't think of himself that way. He said that he thought they were popular so he was genius but then someone pointed out that the Nazi's were popular for a while and that brought him right back down.
Howard said that Chris doesn't know if he's going to have music that resonates with a lot of people. He asked if he went to college. Chris said he did and he studied ancient history. Howard said that might be worse than trying to be a rock star.
Howard asked Chris if he really had no women when he was in the band starting out. Chris said the honest answer is that it's all about confidence. He said he was British and not famous yet so he didn't have confidence. He said that's the way he was raised.
Howard asked what age he wrote his first song. Chris said that he wrote one about Sarah Ferguson's tits at 11 years old. He said that he was writing about how the people of England were obsessed with her tits. He said he doesn't remember much about the song but he played a little bit of it. Howard said he liked it and he could make it a hit.
Howard asked Chris if he's constantly hearing music in his head. Chris said it's always in there and it's like a radio station playing all the time. Howard said that's how Joe Walsh used to describe it. Chris said that you have to pick out the ones that are good in there and write them down. Howard asked if he's ever lost songs that he didn't write down. Chris said he has. He said he doesn't think they were that great if he can't remember it though. Chris said that John Lennon once said that if you have a really great song you'll remember it.
Howard asked Chris if he will run out of the shower and record something. Chris said he'll bring the piano into the shower. He said sometimes he'll just go down at 1 in the morning and write music. Robin said that must make it hard to live with him. Howard asked if he writes this stuff down on Gwyneth's body. Chris jokingly said he will.
Chris told Howard that he'll go down and just fuck around with the piano. He said he has a studio down the street that he can go to and mess around. He doesn't have to do it in the house. Howard asked Chris about writing the songs and if he writes them all. Chris said he will start the song. He said a solo artist will do everything but Chris said he'll get a few chords and the rest of the guys will figure out the rest of the song. Chris said that they will all split the publishing and royalties. He said they split it 20, 20, 20, 40. Chris gets 40. He said that you have to keep the chemistry in the band.
Howard asked Chris about staying in shape and if he thinks that he has to look good to be a rock star. Chris said he saw some Bruce Springsteen shows a few years ago and he saw how good he looked all buff so he had to work out. Howard said that you have to look good to be a rock star. Howard said you can't be fat. Chris said that you can start out big or tall but if you look like you don't give a shit anymore, that's when it's wrong. He said you don't have to be skinny, you just have to look like you care.
Howard asked Chris when he started working in clubs. He said he was probably 19. Howard asked if he was a solo artist or was he in bands. Chris said he has been a solo artist but he doesn't like that. He said he feels kind of vulnerable right now. Chris said that the rest of the guys said it was too early to come in today. Howard said he actually wanted to talk to Chris on his own anyway.
Howard said Paul Simon was very nervous on stage alone and that's why he got another guy to perform with him. Chris said he'd never do a solo thing. He said no way to that. Howard asked if Gwyneth ever asks why he's in the band and sharing the money with them. Chris jokingly said she says that every morning.
Howard asked Chris about being married and why he doesn't go out to red carpet events with his wife. Howard said he loves going out with his wife and he doesn't get why he won't do it. Chris said that it's making something public that wasn't meant to be. He said that he and his wife get to do other things on their own. He said they don't have anything to sell. He said they're not a product. He said she does her thing and he does his.
Howard said the joy he gets from his wife hanging out is almost like he feels protected. He said it outweighs any privacy issue. Chris said he gets that feeling in another way. He said he has no good answer for Howard.
Howard said maybe it's just a star thing. He said Chris isn't the only one doing it. He said there are others who don't go out together. Chris said that it's also what makes you feel comfortable. Chris said that he thinks Howard is 10 times more famous than he is. Howard said Chris has sold a lot of albums and they're very popular. Chris said he and his wife just don't feel comfortable doing that kind of thing together.
Howard asked Chris about Coldplay and how his song ''Yellow'' became a hit. Chris said he was like 22 years old when he wrote that song. He said it was great when the song became a hit. Howard asked if he can tell when an album isn't going to be a commercially viable album. Chris said that you know when a song won't be a single. He said that the song may fit in the tapestry of an album but it will never be a hit song. He said they can feel that.
Howard asked Chris about the music industry and if he's worried about it. Chris said he loves what he does and he's going to keep doing it. He said that he can't stop the whole piracy thing. Robin said they've sold a few million records. Gary told her it's actually 150 million. Howard said if it was 3 million he'd be living at home with his parents telling him to go to college.
Howard asked how long it took him to write ''Yellow.'' Chris said it was 10 minutes. He said he was in Wales and he was waiting to record something else. He said he started to do a Neil Young impression and he started to do this... He demonstrated what he was doing on the piano. Howard asked him to do a little bit of that song for them. Chris had to get a guitar. Howard said he was fine with that. Howard asked Chris if he would tell his kids to play guitar and piano and not the clarinet or violin. Chris said he would never tell them that. Howard said his parents wanted him to play clarinet. He said he plays a little guitar and piano but badly.
Chris told Howard about how he was sound checking for the song ''Shiver'' when he started to do this Neil Young impression. He found a chord he liked and did the Neil Young voice. He said the rest of it just came out. Howard told him to play more of the song but in his own voice. Chris showed Howard how he came up with the song while messing around. Chris said the other guys were playing video games and he played a little bit for them. They kept playing games. Chris played more of ''Yellow'' and Howard asked him not to stop. Chris said he didn't even know what the lyrics meant. Chris said that he sang about the stars being all yellow and they're not even yellow. Chris said he had to figure it out before going on Howard Stern 12 years later.
Chris said that he went into the bathroom and he had a nice echo in there so he kept going with the song. He said he went back into the room and the guys agreed to go work on the song. Howard asked him to play a little more of the song for them. Chris did that for him. He played a couple minutes of ''Yellow.''
Howard told Chris it was beautiful. Howard asked if it was about one girl. Chris said it wasn't. He said it was about all girls. Howard said it sounds like they didn't have a big struggle. Chris said that it took a while but not as long as some bands. He said they did get rejected a bunch. He said that they ended up signing with one of the fuckers who rejected them at first. Chris said that he refused to talk to the guy but the rest of the band wanted him to talk to them.
Chris said that they didn't have that song at the time so they had to trust that they were good. Robin asked Chris if he had a deadline for making it. Chris said it was 50.
Howard asked Chris about girls hearing the song and if they went berserk for him. Chris said they really didn't. Chris said that the hookers lowered their rates for him. He was joking about that. Howard asked if he lost his virginity very young. Chris said that he was very religious so he lost it late. Howard asked if he's a religious man. Chris said he's really not very religious but he's spiritual. Howard asked if he believes there's a heaven and hell. Chris said he stopped being religious because he doesn't believe there is a hell. Howard asked what he does with his kids when it comes to religion. Chris said that he's not taking them anywhere. He said it won't be a strict religion.
Howard said he was against his kids being raised in any religion but his wife at the time wanted to bring them to temple. He said his kids are very religious now. He said they believe in god and have a religious background. Howard said they're grateful that their mother took them. He said he feels wrong about the whole thing. He said he finds religion to be divisive and people were bad. He said it caused a lot of fighting.
Howard asked Chris if he fought a lot as a kid. Chris said that he once punched a wall when he missed punching a guy. Chris said he's not saying that he doesn't believe in religion. He said that he's just saying it doesn't have to be one specific thing.
Howard asked Chris about writing the song ''Clocks'' which only took him 15 minutes to write. Howard asked Chris why the hits come so quickly. Chris said he's not sure why. Chris said he was writing songs at the time. Howard asked if the other guys were all playing video games. Chris said they're really not like that.
Chris asked if this was boring to them. Howard said he loves asking about this stuff. He said he'll get to his wife too. Howard said his wife has a crush on his wife. Chris said he heard his wife is quite good looking. Howard had a picture of her on the Animal League calendar he mentioned earlier.
Howard asked Chris more about ''Clocks'' and how that was written. Howard and Robin asked him about who his influences were. Chris said that Bob Marley was a big one. He said Michael Jackson was another one. Robin said that Howard doesn't like Michael Jackson. She said she's told him he's wrong about that. Howard asked Chris to play some of his favorite Michael Jackson song. Chris played a little bit of Billy Jean. He just did a few seconds of it. Howard said he didn't think it was that great. Chris said they used to play it in concert. Chris told Howard he's an idiot for not liking Michael Jackson. Howard said that's fine.
Chris said the best part of Bob Marley and Michael Jackson is that you can play it anywhere in the world and people know the music.
Howard asked Chris about ''Clocks'' and how he came up with the song. Chris said he had the piano riff and his guitar player came up with more of it with some more chords. Howard asked Chris to play some of the song. Chris played piano and a couple minutes of ''Clocks.''
Howard asked Chris if he really never had a piano lesson. Chris said he never did. Howard said being able to play like that is an aphrodisiac to a woman. Howard said it's such an amazing thing to be able to run around and have a song in your head. Howard said he wishes he had that in him.
Howard asked Chris if getting criticized all the time gets to him. Chris said it can get to him. Howard asked if he has agreed with someone about negative things that they've said. Chris said he has agreed about certain lyrics and parts of songs that needed to be more colorful. Howard said that he must get neurotic though. Chris said there are older guys who warned them about what would happen 8 or 10 years in. He said that you have to be careful who you listen to. Howard asked if they could destroy his spirit. Chris said if they didn't play live then they could. He said that all of those people come to see them and it shows that they're doing something right. He said he shouldn't care what other people are saying if they have all of these fans who are enjoying it.
Howard asked if any of their songs have become hits that he didn't think should have. Chris said the song ''Speed of Sound'' wasn't a shitty song but it was a bad recording. He said that he won't even play it in concert. Howard asked why he doesn't redo it in concert and change it to the way he wants it played. Chris said he won't do that. Howard told him to man up and do it now. Chris said no. He told Howard he must have shows he doesn't like. Howard said he thinks every show blows actually. Howard asked Chris to play something else. He played ''The Scientist.''
Howard asked Chris if he ever got into drugs. Chris said he thinks it's boring to talk about that. Howard said he was thinking about Scott Weiland and how brilliantly talented the guy is. He said that Chris has this great voice and he can play. He said there are guys who can't do that and it destroys him when guys piss away their gift like that. Howard asked where he stands on that. Chris said that Scott has done pretty well. Chris said that he got into some sleeping pill stuff but he doesn't believe in selling records by talking about how many pills you take. Chris said that it's still that Rock and Roll myth about what's cool. He said cool is following what you believe in. Howard said he got depressed when the Beatles when through their drug phase. Howard said he was afraid they were going to lose their minds or something.
Chris said that he doesn't believe in talking about that stuff. Howard asked him more about it but Chris said that it's cliché and old so he won't talk about it.
Howard asked Chris if he writes songs about his wife. Chris said she's in there somewhere. Howard asked if ''Green Eyes'' is about Gwyneth. Chris said that song was written before he met her. Chris was getting uncomfortable with the line of questioning. He said that all of the songs are about his life so she's in there somewhere. He said that people can make songs about whatever they want them to be so he won't spoil it like that.
Howard asked Chris if he's ever written a song for his wife and sang it to her. Chris said he's really not comfortable with this. He said that everything they sign is real. He said you can put two and two together.
Howard asked Chris to play some of ''Viva La Vida.'' Chris said that's his favorite song... but so is The Scientist. Howard asked if he owns the songs and the publishing. Chris said they don't own them completely. He said they won't own them for 20 years. He said they do get some of the publishing.
Howard asked about ''Viva La Vida'' and how easy that was to write. Chris said that was another one that came pretty quick. He said that he had about 55 pages of lyrics for that song though. He said he will write them on a piece of paper and he doesn't end up saving them. Howard asked him to give them to him and he'll sell them. Chris didn't think they'd make a lot of money with that. Howard had him perform some of ''Vida La Vida.'' Chris started and asked if he was supposed to keep going. Howard told him that people love this. He had Chris perform a couple minutes of the song. Chris messed up and said it was very early for him.
After the song Howard said that this piano playing is a fabulous thing. Howard said it's great to be able to play like that.
Howard said that Gwyneth was a fan and they met and the rest is history. Howard asked how many days a year they're on the road. Chris said it might be up to 200 maybe. Howard said it must be hard to be a father. He said that the band is like a family and he has to satisfy them and his wife and kid. Howard asked how he balances that. Chris said he's not sure he does. He said they just try it week after week. He said there are no rules about it. He said that they don't have any written down. Robin asked how long they've been apart. Chris said ''six years.'' That made Robin laugh.
Howard asked Chris about doing 200 days a year and how tough that must be. He said he must be able to cut down on that number. Chris said everything good in his life has come because of that band so that's the number one thing he concentrates on. Howard asked if his wife asked him not to go out so much, would he cut back. Chris said he would give it up but she doesn't put that pressure on him.
Howard asked Chris if he ever wondered what the fuck he's doing and wants to go home to see the kids. Chris said he does. He said they're doing fine though. Howard said he worries about him. Chris said he appreciates that.
Howard gave Chris a plug for his new album which is called ''Mylo Xyloto.'' Howard asked what it means. Chris said that they got some street artists to do some art for them and they wanted to come up with a tag name and that's where the name came from. It's like a tag name on street art. He said it would be a tag name for someone who is musical. Howard said Chris has street art all over his piano. Howard asked if he finds street art to be criminal. He said it's not when they're good. He said it's like any other art. There are people who are good and those who aren't.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who went nuts when he picked up on her. She said that this is making her day. Mariann said that her son played Viva La Vida at his wedding just like he did. Howard asked if it turns him on he hears something like that from a fan. Howard asked if it means a lot when he hears that someone played his song at a wedding. He said it really does. He said that it hurts when someone says they don't like your music.
Gary came in and said that he saw a piece on a morning news show and they called them the most insufferable band. Chris said that's the last thing he read in 2005. He said he stopped reading reviews from start to end back then. Howard said that Eddie Murphy said that if you believe the good ones you have to believe the bad ones too.
Howard asked Chris if he's a tortured man and if he goes to a psychiatrist. Chris said he does go occasionally. Robin said she's not sure how that works. Chris said that's the English way. Howard told Chris he goes 3 days a week. He said his shrink thinks he should be there 4 days but he refuses to go. Robin doesn't go to therapy and she said that she lets Howard handle all of that.
Howard said the new single off the new album is called ''Paradise.'' Howard said this must be about his wife and he'd like to hear about what he does with his wife. Chris jokingly said that she does love anal. Howard said that they should go public about everything.
Howard asked Chris to perform some of the new single for them. He said he was asked to write a song for a talent show winner and this is the song that came out. He said he liked the song too much and couldn't give it up. Howard didn't understand what he was saying. He asked if he wrote this for an American Idol type show and then ended up keeping it for himself. He said that's the way it was. Chris said this song is about going through struggles and it kind of came from the Shawshank Redemption when Tim Robins said he had all of the music in his head and that's what saved him. Chris performed the song after that explanation.
Chris lost his voice for a second so he stopped the song. Howard asked Chris who his best friend is. Chris said that it's the people in the band. Howard said that's interesting that it's not his wife. Robin asked if he's hung out with Madonna since she's friendly with Madonna. Chris said he really hasn't hung out with her much. Howard asked if he could invite him to any parties. Chris said he doesn't really know Howard. Howard said he and Barbara Walters yenta'd it up for a few hours at a party. Chris didn't understand what he had just said so Howard said he's speaking Italian when he says Yenta.
Howard asked Chris to invite him to a party and he'll behave. Howard said he knows how to behave. He said he can pretend he doesn't give a shit that Gwyneth Paltrow is in the room. He told him to write a song about that. Chris did play a little bit and sang about ''playing the game'' that Howard was talking about.
Howard asked Chris if he's paranoid about his hands. Chris said he does. He said he thinks that they'll be taken when they're supposed to be taken.
Howard asked Chris if he suffers from OCD. Chris said he does. He said he has the number thing going on but he's gotten better with it. Howard asked if he's constantly worried about his throat. He said he's no worse than anyone else. Chris said you don't want to go on stage in Pittsburgh and not have a voice. Robin said that no one wants to perform in Pittsburgh.
Howard asked Chris if he has ever stopped at Occupy Wall Street. Chris said he did stop down there but he was out on a run and he was in shorts. He said he thought about how they may not want him down there since he's a rich person walking around in shorts. He had his hood on though.
Howard asked what he just put on his throat. Chris said that he put some oil in there. He said that he can hit the high notes with that. He said it's like oiling up a car.
Howard asked Chris how many women he's been with at once. Before his wife of course. Chris didn't answer. Howard did his British voice and talked about getting blow jobs. Howard told him not to listen to the critics because he thinks he's great. Chris said that things are pretty good overall.
Chris said that they went and played at Apple headquarters after Steve Jobs died. He said that he asked Norah Jones to teach him some piano stuff but she hasn't shown him yet. Howard asked Chris if he has an iPod, iPhone and Mac computers. Chris said yes to it all. Howard said he loved that guy. Howard said he would love to play at a memorial. Chris said before they even knew who Steve was he came to meet them at a show. He said they asked him how he built his first computer and it was very interesting. Howard said he's sorry to see him gone. Howard said he hopes he wrote some stuff down.
Howard asked Chris what he played at the memorial service. Chris said they played a couple of songs. Chris said it was cool to do but it wasn't clear what they should play. Howard asked if they would play a wedding or bar mitzvah. Chris said they'd consider it. Howard asked what it would cost. Chris said a million dollars. Howard said he thinks that's what Elton John gets too. He said he saw him at a party not too long ago and he thinks that's what he charged.
Howard said he knows there are some rock stars that won't do that stuff. Chris said those rock stars are billionaires. Howard asked if Gwyneth went to the Apple thing. Chris said she didn't.
Robin asked about the names that Chris and Gwyneth gave to their kids. Howard said it seems like famous people give their kids odd names. Howard said he gave his kids regular names, Debra, Emily and Ashley. Howard said that he named one kid Xylophone but that's another story. Howard said Chris and Gwyneth gave their kids special names. Howard said that Bon Jovi gave his kids weird names and they want their kids to be rock and roll special. Chris said he takes issue with him saying that people are special. He said he's special in a certain field. He said there are other people who are special in other fields. He said that people in the arts have to come up with new names. He said they come up with song names, album names and other stuff. He said he could call his kid Rupert but everyone has done that. Chris said their son's name is Moses and he didn't come up with that. Howard said he likes the name Apple too. He said he wants to meet Apple at a party one day. Robin asked if he middle name is Smapple. Chris jokingly said it actually is.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Chris if he would let Beth or another woman go down on Gwyneth. Chris said ''Of course... it's her decision.'' Howard said they have to get together then. Chris asked Howard what he thinks that guy is doing today. Howard said he's probably beating off.
Howard took another call and the caller said he's a gay guy and he's in love with Chris. Howard asked the caller what he would do to him if he could be with him. The guy just laughed. Howard asked if he masturbates to Chris. The caller said he has not. Chris said that's quite a disappointment.
Howard said it was a pleasure meeting Chris. Fred played a George Takei ''YEAH!'' clip as they were getting past the gay discussion. Howard gave Chris some more plugs for the album, ''Mylo Xyloto,'' and went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Jason if he was in there because he's a fan or if he needed to be in there. Jason said he was having a good time and he was sitting closer to Howard than he normally does because of where the equipment was. He said he was in there the whole time for Billy Joel and Lady Gaga too. Howard said Jason's laugh needs to be stifled according to the audience. Howard said he thinks Jason liked the interview. Jason said he wanted to be in there too.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Chris was great but Jason shouldn't be laughing through a musical performance. Howard said that some people think he likes the band and he was trying to get noticed. Jason said he has no problem getting noticed. Jason said Howard should find another photographer if he doesn't want him in there.
Howard asked Jason if he liked the interview. Jason said it was very good because Chris doesn't usually talk that much during an interview. Fred did some of his impression of Jason talking about him for a few seconds. He also played a clip of someone making fun of Jason's laugh when Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show and Fred played the laughing clip through most of it.
Howard said most people have nothing. Howard asked if he's great at anything. The caller said he has a lot of friends and he's pretty smart but the musical ability blows his mind. Howard said you do wish that you had a gift like that. Howard said he believes that he's being punished. Howard said he can text really quickly and that really turns women on.
Howard said he knows how the caller feels. He said you can get jealous of that. The caller said that those girls yesterday had no talent and all they had was looks. Robin said that doesn't last forever. She said Chris' talent could last a lifetime.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the interview was great. He said he thinks that they could use a lot more interviews like that. He said it's better than those brainless girls from yesterday. Howard said he has to go all over the place.
Howard took a call from a woman, Lily, who said she likes popping pimples on her husband's back. Howard said he likes doing that too but Beth doesn't have that many. He said he used to do that for his father's black heads. Howard said his father would get a boil on him and he'd help out by popping those black heads out. Howard said he's feeling ill talking about that.
Robin started her news with a story about the Duggar family that has a show about their 19 kids. Robin said the woman is pregnant again. Howard said they have to stop encouraging this behavior. Howard said if they're just having babies to be on TV that's just wrong. Robin said they are celebrating this new pregnancy but they're getting a lot of criticism about it. Robin said that the last child was premature. Howard said this is piggish behavior. He said it sounds insane to him from what Robin has described.
Robin said Kate Gosslin's parenting is being called into question too. Robin said that one of her children crawled under a minivan. Howard said she has 8 kids so it's hard to keep track. Gary told Howard that the Duggars say that they put it in god's hands so that's why they have so many. Howard said that's great. Robin read more about Kate and how the kid ran under the van and then came out. Robin said people are questioning her parenting now that she's a single mother with 8 kids.
Robin read about a pregnant woman who has cravings for road kill. She has friends who tell her where they see fresh road kill. Robin said that pregnant women aren't even supposed to scoop kitty litter and this woman is eating dead animals from the side of the road.
Howard mentioned the road kill that Richard's dad eats. He had a voice mail that he left for Richard about picking up some fresh road kill squirrel and taking it home to cook. Howard said he loves that guy. Howard wondered if people see him picking it up. He said people do eat dead animals. Robin said she's not sure about finding them along the side of the road though.
Robin said Richard's dad would have loved being in the car with her the past couple of weeks. Robin said she's seen a lot of dead deer lately.
Howard said he has an idea for a movie. He said he has Richard's dad find a squirrel and the guy gets hit by a car and the guy in that car eats him. Robin said that's like Human Centipede 2. She said it's on On Demand right now and she's eventually going to watch it. Howard said he can't bring himself to watch it himself. He said he might watch it with Robin if he was at her house with her.
Robin said in the new issue of Out magazine they have Chaz shirtless. Howard said Chaz is going to come in there. Robin sounded shocked by that. Howard said he can't wait to talk to him. He said he might bring in his wife so they can talk chicks together. Howard said he's going to take Chaz out and do man things with him. He said they're going to fucking bond. Howard asked how his nips are. He said KC accused him of having big nipples so he wants to know. Robin showed Howard the cover. Howard checked out Chaz's nips. He said that he's a heavyset dude. Howard said they're not bad but it's hard to tell. He said they don't look big. Howard said he looks like a dude with small nips. Robin said she thought that he had female nipples the first time she saw him. Howard said he has the nipples of a man.
Robin said there was a story in the news about a guy and his wife who were driving their pickup and found a couple of women who had a flat tire. They fixed the tire and drove off. The guy figured that God had just put him in the right place. Robin said the women started to drive off and they found the pick up truck up ahead on the side of the road because the guy had a heart attack. The two women were hospital workers so they did CPR on him and saved his life.
Robin read about Candy Spelling who just won $90,000 playing the slot machines in Las Vegas. Howard said she should give that money to someone. Robin said that she was playing the high limit slots which are up to $1,000 per spin. Robin said that she's won in the past too. They say her net worth is $600 million. Howard said that's the woman Benjy should be going after. He asked Benjy if he's gotten any further with Elisa. Benjy said they did talk on the phone but that was it. He said they do that a lot anyway. Benjy said that she really likes him and he knows that.
Robin read about how they think they've come up with a way to predict who will commit suicide. Robin said that they think they've figured out a way to prevent them. Robin said the study is in the American Journal of Psychiatry. Howard said they should check out the girl who made out with Benjy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the DEA agent on Boardwalk Empire is going to be playing General Zod in the new Superman movie. Howard said that guy is great on Boardwalk Empire. Howard said that he can't stand that these Superman movies can't get away from General Zod. He said there are so many other foes that they could use. Howard said every Superman movie is General Zod and so was the TV show (Smallville). Howard said he wants them to move on already. The caller said he's excited about it but it does sound like Superman 2 all over again. They spent a minute talking about some of the other characters on Boardwalk Empire before moving on. Howard said it would be really funny if Elisa Jordana asked Benjy to wear that half a face mask from Boardwalk Empire.
Robin said that David Crosby and Graham Nash stopped by the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday and performed. Robin had some audio of people talking about it and some of the performance.
Robin said that the demonstrators in New York are going to walk to Washington DC. Robin said they're going to leave around noon today and they hope to walk 20 miles a day to get down there by the 25th. Howard had Fred play some Crosby, Stills and Nash.
Ralph called in and mentioned that Josh Jackson will be on GEEKTIME this week. Howard said he thought Josh was great on Dawson's Creek and he thought he was going to have a movie career. Ralph wanted to talk Fringe with Howard but Howard said he should talk about it on GEEKTIME. Howard said that there's a flaw on the show because this guy Walter isn't open minded. Howard said that he loves the show though. Ralph asked Howard to call into GEEKTIME to talk about it on Friday. Howard said he's into ''Fringe'' but it's not getting any ratings and he's afraid that this will be the last season. Howard asked Jon Hein how many seasons they've had. Jon told him it's the fourth season.
Robin asked Howard if he expects to find a spare tire in his car. Robin said some manufacturers are ditching spare tires to lower the weight of vehicles. Howard said he wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. Robin said that GM is getting rid of them and people will have to buy it as an option. Robin said they're doing this to get better fuel economy. Fred said he thinks that's stupid because you're putting people in peril. Fred said the next thing you know they'll do away with the back seat.
Howard asked Fred how his eye is doing today. Fred said he has to go back to the doctor today. He said they were doing exploratory stuff yesterday and it was painful. He said he's not sure how people who have worse health problems do it.
Robin had some audio of Herman Cain talking about how he's not going to withdraw from the presidential primary race. He said that ain't gonna happen. Robin had some news about his campaign and the debates that he'll be part of.
Robin read a story about people picking up the corpse of a dead lion that was killed after some exotic animals were released from a farm. Robin said they're not sure if they're saying that they killed the lion or just took the dead carcass.
Robin said there will be a test of the emergency broadcast system today at 2pm. Robin said they're going to have it all across the country. Howard said they created that to warn people of a nuclear attack. He said it's never been used. Howard said that he had to play it as a test on his radio show many years ago up in Hartford. He said he had to log it and do all of this nonsense with it. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about the test and how it will last 3 minutes.
Robin said that they say Joe Paterno will retire at the end of this season. Howard said he has audio of a a sportscaster crying over that news. Howard said his name is Matt Millon. Howard asked if anyone knows who he is. Gary said that the guy who was crying loved the school because he went there. He was upset about the whole thing. Gary said Jon Hein's father is really upset about this because he went to Penn State. Gary said that it's a good time to avoid going to Penn State right now. He said his son is looking around at schools and he'd advise him to avoid it right now.
Jon Hein came in and Howard asked if he's going to cry over this. Jon said he didn't go to Penn State so he won't cry. Gary said Benjy went to Penn State. Robin said they've been trying to keep that quiet. Howard said his brother-in-law went to Penn State and Beth remembers Joe Paterno coming to the house to recruit. Howard played the clip of the guy crying over the Joe Paterno retirement. He was getting all worked up over it and said it was disturbing. He started to break down as he was talking about it. Howard said the news would be great if it was like this every night. Howard said Benjy just lit himself on fire over this. JD said that this guy wants to go take care of the guy who caused all of this. Jon said that Paterno is so beloved at Penn State that this is causing all kinds of stuff like this. Howard said Beth is kind of freaked out by the whole thing. She isn't crying over it though. Robin read some more news about the Penn State thing and this Sandusky guy who is accused of molesting young boys.
Ralph called in and said this guy is just a football coach and not a god. He said he's just as bad as these priests who don't turn in the other priests. Howard said he talked about this earlier and told people to compare this situation to the show by using Jason as this Sandusky character. Robin walks by and sees him, she tells Howard and Howard tells Sirius management. Ralph asked why Robin's character didn't go to the police. He'd also like to know why Robin is in the men's shower. Howard said they'd all be wrong for not calling the police.
Robin said there were people holding a rally outside of Paterno's house last night. She said they were there to lend their support to the famous coach.
Robin had some audio of someone announcing some People's Choice Awards nominees. Howard said he wonders why he's not a people's choice nominee. He said he really doesn't care who the nominees are.
Robin read about Mike Tyson commenting on Joe Frazier. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Robin said she heard that Joe was just recently diagnosed with cancer. Robin had some other clips of Tyson talking about Frazier's death. Howard played some of Joe singing to Robin in the studio years ago. Howard said he didn't know where to hide that day.
Robin said that Sharon Osbourne is on ''The Talk'' and she weighed in on the Conrad Murray verdict. Robin had some audio of that. Sharon was saying that they should chop his head off and throw him in the dust bin. Robin had some audio of Sharon talking about Justin Bieber and the woman who is claiming that Justin is the father of her child.
Robin said that Kris Jenner is talking about a Saturday Night Live bit they did and saying that it was something she enjoyed. Robin had some audio of her talking about that on The Tonight Show.
Robin said that the move Jack and Jill is coming out. She had some audio of Adam talking about playing a woman in the movie. Robin had some audio of Katie Holmes talking about her role in the movie too. Howard said that was enough and ended the show around 10:40am.
Gary said he thinks that Matt Lauer asked him what the title of the album meant and Chris said it meant nothing really. Matt called him out on that and it seems that he just didn't want to talk to him about it.
Jon and Gary talked about some of the other things that came out during the interview and how Jason's laugh could be heard a lot. Jon said that he doesn't think that Jason did it on purpose but he could be heard. Gary said he didn't really notice it until someone pointed it out to him. Jon said you can't miss Jason's laugh and it ended up in that Joe Paterno bit too.
Jon said that it must kill Jason that people think he got in the way of the interview. Jon said it was kind of distracting. He said he felt bad for Jason in a way because so many people were wondering why he was laughing so much.
Jason said he wears headphones in the studio and he's heard himself in the past but he didn't hear it today. He said he didn't notice it but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
Benjy asked Jason if he wants to work on his laugh with him because he has a great laugh and he could help him with it. Jason said he's not going to work on his laugh. He said that's the laugh he has and he's sticking with it.
Gary said that Eddie Murphy won't do his classic laugh anymore so he's stopped laughing like that. Gary said he's not sure how you do that. Jason said he's not sure how to change it. Jon said he could stifle it a little bit. Jason said he's been told his laugh is infectious or people just hate it. He said it's really not that much of a problem. Benjy said that he thinks that he could slow it down and deepen it a bit and it would be good.
Jason said he was excited that Chris was there but he wasn't laughing on purpose. Jon said some people said some stuff to him and if they want to come in they can. Jon said that they were saying that it was distracting while the interview was going on. Benjy said it can be a weird thing if you don't know where it's coming from.
Jon said that the office gets very full when they have a guest like that. Gary asked who he was talking about. Jon said a lot of guys from the news were in there. Gary said it was Lisa and Jon Leiberman and maybe Shuli. Jon said it seemed very crowded around his door. Gary said Ross was there too. Gary said he is the VP of talent there. Jason said he thought he was the head of promotions. Gary said Jason is looking to get punched in the head. Gary said he does talent and promotion. Jason said he didn't know that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jason's laugh was really annoying and he should have taken his pictures and gotten out of there. Jason said when they have big guests like that they don't know what's going to happen so he stays in the whole time. Jason said when they have guests like that he never knows what's going to happen and he doesn't want to miss that moment.
Jon said some people were talking about Scott Salem sitting in the tickle chair the whole time. Jason said he was on a wood crate and then Scott came in and sat in the tickle chair and started to pretend to strap himself in.
Gary said they had a guy running the board for Chris and Scott was in there to fix anything that went wrong in studio. He said nothing was going on and he got to sit in the tickle chair. Jason asked if Ross comes in whenever they have talent in the studio. Gary said that Ross came to talk to the manager about the Town Hall thing they're doing at noon. Jason asked if Ross got him booked on the show. Gary said he did start the wheels in motion.
Jon said that Howard talks about how he doesn't like Michael Jackson. Gary said he's with Robin on this one. He said that Michael had a lot of great pop songs and a lot of people grew up liking him.
Jon said that the other thing about Chris was that he would stop singing a song and Howard would tell him to keep going. Gary said this show is different than most others. He said that they don't do things like this on any other show. He said they don't rehears it and he thinks that Chris figured it out as they were going along.
Gary and Jon talked about how he wasn't answering some of the questions Howard asked that he felt were too personal. Gary said he understands what Chris was saying about why he doesn't want to walk the red carpet with Gwyneth. He said that it's very Beyonce and Jay-Z like. Jason said that they still act like they don't have a relationship. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said Howard didn't understand that guy crying but he can understand it. He said that if you love a team you get upset and if you love a school like that you can get upset too. Jason said he thought it was very touching because it was like his trust was violated and he got upset about it. Gary said he felt the same way as Jason. He said it wasn't funny to him, it was just sort of sad.
Benjy went to Penn State so he said that he wasn't into sports but Joe Paterno was great. He's been there forever too. He said he goes way back to like 1951 or something like that. Benjy said that we don't know what was reported by him but this taint is going to be around him no matter what.
Gary said that if guys were doing something like that there at work he thinks he'd have some kind of inkling of what was going on. He said this stuff was going on in the locker room so he's not sure how they didn't know about it. Gary said that it would be ''shame on me'' if he didn't know Jason was fucking little boys in the studio for 10 years. Jason said ''Well the joke is on you Gary!''
Jason said that they had the Cabbie porn video situation going on at K-Rock. Jason said that they could have investigated it but they decided not to look into it. He said they should have but they didn't. Gary said Howard just didn't care about it so they chose to ignore it. It wasn't illegal though. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done around 11:10am.
Various Stuff. 11/10/00. 6:05am
Gary probably won't be in this morning because he was involved in an accident on his way in to work. Howard didn't have all the details but he understands that Gary isn't hurt too bad. He has a bump on his head but his vehicle might be totaled. At one point Howard said that Gary was in a tow truck and he wasn't able to call in. He said he heard that one of Gary's teeth was knocked out and they had to tow it to the dentist. Kidding around of course. They'd need more than a tow truck to haul one of those teeth around.
Gary finally called in around 6:30am. He said he was in the Bronx somewhere. He didn't go to the hospital because of his location. He will go to a hospital as soon as he gets a cab. He said he was driving down the highway on his way to work when he saw a broken down car with no lights on. He hit the brakes and slid right into it with his 10 day old Honda Accord. Gary claims that the first 2 feet of the vehicle were smashed in. He also claims that his airbags didn't deploy. He somehow banged the back of his head on something and that's starting to bother him. He also wanted to let everyone know that all of his teeth are intact. Jackie theorized that the airbag caught a glimpse of Gary's huge lips and choppers and decided not to deploy. It's like the airbag knew that it would be destroyed by them.
In the clip Howard was talking about how Scott is working parties now as a DJ. Howard said he told Scott to open his own DJ business instead of working for someone else. Scott said he would do that if he had the money to do it. He said he'd need about $2,000 to do it. Howard asked if he could get a bank loan. Scott said he could probably do that. He said he's been thinking about doing it. Scott said the DJ place he was working for was paying him $50 for a 4 hour wedding.
Howard asked Scott if he could give him the money and take $50 from every event he goes to. Scott said that sounds reasonable. Howard said he's not going to do that. He and Robin started thinking about it and figured they might be able to make a few bucks if they do it.
Howard asked Scott if he has records he can play. Scott said he's spun at clubs before. He said he has no problem with that. Robin said he could hang up signs at supermarkets and things like that. He could put ads in the paper. Howard said people want a good DJ and not a bald nudnik though.
Howard said Scott has to do it on his own instead of getting 50 bucks from that DJ business. Scott said they didn't want to make a better deal. He said they have a lot of restrictions that they impose on you. He said they tell you that you can't work in the area for another year. Scott said he thinks he can find other areas to work in though.
Howard said Scott is kind of a downer. He said he's never had a conversation with him that cheered him up. Howard said he must have been told he was a downer. Scott said no. Robin said she talked to Scott last week and he was telling her about the general manager and how he can't get a raise and things like that. She said that's all he can talk about. Robin said she heard about his union problems too. Howard said that's the problem with Scott. He said he mopes around like that. Scott said he thinks he'd love doing this DJ stuff. Howard said he thinks that he'd bunny hop into the next room if Scott was DJ'ing.
Howard asked Scott if he's really going to pay them $50 for every event. Scott said he will. Gary came in and said he wants in on this too. Gary said you can get $350 or more for doing a gig like that. He said Scott should be able to do very well.
Howard said he wants to know if Scott is any good. He had a number for a woman who had seen him recently and said she didn't like him. Howard called Joanne and she said she's very sick with strep throat. She said she has to tell her story though. Joanne said they were using Howard. She said she saw Scott there and asked to see the records he had. She said that they said they had Scott the Engineer from the Howard Stern Show there. She was going on and on about what happened but Howard couldn't take her voice so he just hung up on her. Scott said he was just watching at that party so he didn't have anything to do with what the woman was complaining about.
Gary said they can make some good money by splitting this thing 5 ways. Robin said they will own the business but Scott will be a partner. Howard said they have to get their money working for them. Robin said once they get going really well they can hire other DJs. Robin said he can run the business for them. Howard said they can have celebrity DJs. Robin said they finally have an investment.
Howard asked how much they have to invest. Jackie said he'd sell him some of his CDs at a discount. Howard said if they invest then Scott will owe them the rest of his life. Scott said he doesn't want that. Howard said all of a sudden he doesn't want that.
Howard took a call from Jimmy Fink who said he wanted to be part of the business too. Howard hung up on him. Howard said Scott has himself a business now. He said they'll just give him the money and make their own agreement instead of having something official. Howard said he has a feeling that he'll do some gigs on the side and not tell them about it. Scott said he won't do that.
Howard said he thinks they'll do it and put him into business. Howard said they're lending him the money. Robin said that means he's in business for himself. Howard said he has to pay them back though. Howard said he doesn't want his name attached to it. He said he will just lend him money. Scott said it's his business then. Howard said he wants to have a gentleman's loan that says he owes them $200 every time he does a gig. Scott said he sees what he's doing. Howard said they can all the business IBM... I B aMoron.
Robin's Apartment In Architectural Digest. 11/10/98. 6:10am
Howard spent a little while talking about how fancy Robin's apartment is. He knows this because it's featured in Architectural Digest. She has a bunch of antique chairs and crap and furniture with names that I've never heard of before. I don't know what issue this article is in but it might be worth looking for. Later in the show Jackie put on his Robin voice and read parts of the article. Robin really has a lot of stuff in her duplex apartment. She has fancy couches, chairs and tons of horse related stuff. Howard said they'll have to do the reading tomorrow morning since there's so much to read.
Ralph called in and said Robin's place is nice but you can't sit on anything. Robin said she sits on everything. She said that Ralph is just afraid. Ralph said that Robin told him not to sit on some things. Robin said she never told him not to. Ralph said she has museum quality stuff in there. He said you don't want to touch anything.
Howard said he may have to read this article on the air. Robin said that's trouble. Howard asked Robin about some of the furniture she has and how much it cost. Robin said there were some antiques there. Howard read about more of Robin's stuff and talked about how much of a fortune she must have spent in there. Howard said that's some apartment she has. Ralph said you're afraid to eat because you're afraid of dropping something on the carpet. Robin said that's ridiculous and he had eaten there.
Howard asked Ralph what he thought of the chick he introduced him to yesterday. Ralph said she was cute and had a nice body. He asked about the rain coat she had on. Howard said she was cold. Howard said she took it off later. Howard said they have some TV shows they were pitching and they brought this actress they brought with them. Howard said she was really cute but he had to get away from that. Howard said he went home and pleasured himself thinking about her.
Howard said he and Ralph watched gay porno together. He said it was him, KC and Ralph. Jackie said that's a shocker.
Howard said that chick who came in there with a penis, Gia, had a porno so he watched it with KC and Ralph. Howard said Robin has to see this too. Howard asked Robin if she has anything modern in her apartment. Robin said she does and you can see it right there.
Howard asked Ralph what he was doing last night. Ralph said he just got in from Scores. Howard asked when they're going to do the Chuck Norris bachelor party. Gary said as soon as he says book it he'll do it. Howard told him to book it. Gary said they should be able to do it in a couple of days.
Howard said that he went to a bachelor party with his brother-in-law and he ended up smoking some pot in the car with him.
Howard said he didn't have Jackie back in the room with him during that porno. Howard said he did see Jackie kissing Ralph though. Jackie said he just gave him a little kiss. Howard said he was kissing his neck. Ralph said if Howard wasn't around he would have gone for the mouth. Jackie said he kissed him on the cheek and Howard told him to do it again.
Howard said they were watching Gia with the penis and they watched almost the whole thing. Howard said the girl Gia was with looked like a man but it was an actual woman. Howard said he would like to see Gia perform oral on a man but he was doing a girl. He said it was absurd. KC said that he had a bit of a frank chopper during that movie. He said he felt so disgusted. Howard said he thought he was getting disgusted. Howard said he had his legs spread on the couch.
Howard asked when he got chubbed up. KC said he was torn and wasn't sure what to think. He said it wasn't the full fledged thing but he felt some blood down there. KC said she had some big cans but then you see the thing down there. He said he was disgusted but confused. Howard said he thinks KC is full fledged gay.
Howard said they all went back to talk and then he saw he had that movie. He wanted to see it so they watched it. Howard said they fast forwarded to the Gia part. Howard said she whipped off her dress and it ruined it when she showed she had a penis. Howard said you think she's a chick before that.
KC said he's the only one being honest there about the chubbing up thing. Fred played the ''What a fag!'' clip while he was talking about that. KC laughed. Howard said that's Gay-C.
Howard said he had to go. Ralph told him not to hang up. Howard said Ralph does this to him in his personal life too. He said he won't let him hang up. Howard said he has to go. He hung up and went to break.
In the clip Howard said they found a cache of Fig Newtons in his desk. Gary said he only ate 2. He said someone else must have eaten the rest.
Gary asked if he went through the messages on his desk too. Howard said those are his messages too. Gary said he's trying to keep some stuff from Howard so they're surprises. Howard said he should hide them if they're a secret. Howard was goofing on Gary calling him Baba Booey as Fred was playing a bunch of Booey clips.
Howard said he heard Grillo is going to make an appearance. He started doing his impression of Grillo and goofed on him for a short time. He said he didn't even know how to spell Manhattan. Grill said he knows. Howard said the microphone there is screwed up and he's wondering when someone is going to fix it. Gary said he's told Scott multiple times.
Howard asked Grillo how much he's getting paid for this appearance. Grillo said he's getting $500. Howard said that's great. He said he could live on that for 2 years. Howard said he's been living on nothing for the past 2 years. He said that's way too much for a Grillo appearance. Howard told him that's like a down payment on a wig. He asked how his hair is doing. Grillo said he doesn't even look anymore. Howard said he's going to be bald by the time he's 21 1/2. Howard told him to warn people to look out for hair in their cocktails. Howard asked if he has to wear a hair net. Grillo said he doesn't. Howard said he should Flowbee his head every half hour.
Howard said a lot of girls thought Grillo was cute. Gary said a girl offered to have sex with him last week. Gary said they had a girl who offered to do things for him if she could get into the building. Gary said Grillo sent her home. Howard said he knows a real ratings winner when he sees them.
Norm MacDonald Comes In. 11/10/03. 8:50am
After the break Howard played a phony phone call Kidd Chris did to Jeff the Drunk and some other people as Norm MacDonald. Jeff knew it wasn't Norm. Most of the other people he called didn't know who Norm MacDonald was. Gary the Retard hung in there with him for a short time but he insulted him so much that he had to hang up. Norm seemed to think the impression was pretty good. Norm went on to tell Howard that he met a guy who impersonates the Pope and he thought that he might be risking a lot posing as the Pope.
Howard asked Norm about his gambling. Norm said that he doesn't gamble anymore. He's now working out and meditating. Howard said Artie told him that Norm used to gamble so much that he'd have one eye on a game while they were shooting the ''Norm'' TV show. Norm told Howard how he's working out and how there are some gay guys at the gym. He was working toward a joke but ended up cursing yet again so we missed out on the punch line. Howard told him that it was cutting out like 30 seconds of the show. He asked Norm to take it easy with that stuff.
Robin wasn't sure if he'd actually quit gambling or not from what he was saying. Norm said he really did stop but he does play Poker once in a while. He said that's not gambling, it's a game of skill.
Howard said the guys from E! came in during the break and they're going to get $500 from everyone and go up to Foxwoods Casino to play in a World Series Poker Game. He said he didn't like the way the game sounded. He said they're going to play Texas Hold 'em and he doesn't like that. Norm said he likes that game and that's real poker to him. Howard went on to ask Norm about the kind of money he used to bet when he was a big gambler. Gary came in and said he heard that Norm has won some big money in these things. He didn't want to say anything because there's this big thing in the U.S. called the I.R.S. and he doesn't want to mention anything about big money.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard about these games they play at these casinos. Howard asked why they can't just play there and not go up to a casino to play it. Howard said he just doesn't want to do it.
Howard asked Norm who he's banging these days and if his divorce has gone through. Norm said that his divorce was final years ago so Howard got a little upset with Artie who told them it wasn't final. Howard said they had this chick who claims that Norm banged her but Artie told them not to have her in because his divorce wasn't final.
Norm told the guys that he spends a lot of time with his son who he thinks is 8 years old. He said he's married to his work at this time so he's not really banging any chicks at this time. Howard took a call from High Pitch Erik who told Norm that he's a no-talent comedian and even he and Sal the Stockbroker are funnier than he is. Another caller said that Norm is the biggest drip to be on TV. He wondered who Norm is blackmailing to let him on TV.
Zolar called in as a woman and said that Norm is the father of her child. He kept that going for a few seconds until he revealed that he was a dude. He asked Howard to give him a digital camera but he didn't have anymore to give. Howard moved on to Norm's show and talked about the ratings. He said the show had 7.1 million viewers but actually lost 3 million from it's lead in. Howard talked to Norm about the woman who plays his wife and how they make out during the show. That led to Howard asking Norm when the last time he had a woman was. Norm said it's been a long time and it's easier not to have a girlfriend. He said he gets ''Randy'' once in a while so he usually ends up pleasuring himself.
Howard read that Norm ended up getting into a fight with Bob Saget over some comments he made about Bob when he was on Howard's show. Norm said they didn't really get into a fight but Bob wasn't that happy with the comments he made about him. Norm said Bob wasn't the reason ''Dirty Work'' didn't do well. It was a ''smash hit'' according to Norm.
Norm and Artie shared a couple of stories about the old days. Howard also read that Norm was fired from Saturday Night Live years ago and was basically kicked out of show business. He took some time off then did the show ''Norm'' with Artie who played his brother. That show lasted 2 and a half seasons. He took some more time off after that and now he's got the show ''A Minute with Stan Hooper.''
A caller told Howard that he really should watch the movie ''Dirty Work'' because there are some great one liners in the movie. Another caller said that Norm's show is funny but some people just don't get his comedy. Jeff the Drunk called in and said that Saturday Night Live was the best when he was on.
Norm made a comment about how his home country of Canada should have supported the U.S. during the whole Iraq thing. He said he supports President Bush in this whole thing and he believes that the action he took quite possibly saved at least one of their lives. Howard agreed with him there and spent a short time talking about that with him.
Howard asked Norm what other celebrities he hangs out with. Norm said he and Artie hang out with Bob Euker once in a while. Other than that he doesn't have many celebrity friends. Howard moved on to ask Norm about having his son circumcised. He said he did have it done and he had no idea there was such controversy over the whole thing. Howard said he would never do that to his son if he had one. Norm said the hospitals seem to do it for a money making thing. Howard and Norm spent a minute on that before Howard had to take another commercial break. Norm stuck around after the break to sit in during Robin's news.
In the clip Howard was talking about how a couple of women showed up to be evaluated. Howard said they're not strippers or anything, they're just regular girls. Howard said they wanted to be evaluated in bra and panties though. He said he can't evaluate very well if they're dressed.
Howard told the women how he could do his evaluations and gave them a few choices. Robin asked how they decided to come in. They're friends and they listen to Howard so they came up with the idea to come in. Howard said it's really not that hard to get in there. You just call Gary and ask to come in.
Gary said that he's had people complain that they can't get an entertainer in the studio but they have people stripping. Gary said he's told them that if they get their client to strip they'll have them in. Howard had no idea what Gary had just said so he had to explain it to him again.
Howard asked the girls how they wanted to do this. They wanted to do it together. Howard said he'll give them each a number on a scale of 1 to 10. He said he'd evaluate their butts and breasts separately.
Howard said he's seen it all so he can compare them to regular women or models. The girls weren't sure. Howard said he can compare them to Jessica Hahn if they want. They said regular women would be fine. They told him to just give them his first response.
One of the women was a student, the other one worked for the other girl's father's business. Howard asked the girls to take their clothes off. Gary was in there so Howard asked if they were okay with that. Howard said he was feeling weird with him in there. They were fine with him being there.
Howard asked one girl to get completely nude. She told him she was working on it. Howard asked why the other one wanted to keep her clothes on. She said this is the most she's ever stripped for a guy. Howard noticed one of the girls was completely shaved. Howard said that's a great look. He said she's got a real good body.
Howard took a look at the naked girl first. He said she's blonde and he thinks there might be some hair there. She said no so Howard figured it was a shadow. Howard said his suggestion is to have sex in the dark. Howard said she has small breasts but she's got a better body than most of the house fraus on Long Island. Gary ended up making some noise so Howard kicked him out.
Howard told the blonde that her breasts weren't great but there's nothing really wrong with them. Robin asked Howard if he was single and got to go out with her, and he was a regular guy, what would his reaction be. Howard said he'd think it was fabulous. Howard said he'd give her a 7. Jackie gave her a 7 too. Howard said he'd definitely have sex with her.
Howard said the friend wants to be evaluated too. Howard said he likes the totally shaved look. He asked if she did that herself. She said she did. Howard said the blonde is a 6 or a 7. He asked how old she is. She said she's 27.
Howard said the friend is a little thick. Howard asked to see her ass. Howard saw it and said that it needs a little work. He said her ass hangs like his. Robin said it does not. Howard said her chest must be an A but she claims it's a C. Howard said she has an okay body.
Robin asked Howard what would happen if he was a regular guy and got to date her. Howard said he'd be happy. He said now that he's famous he wouldn't even look at them. Howard said he'd like to put the one girls face on the other girl's body. Jackie laughed. Robin asked what he's talking about. Howard said if he were Frankenstein he'd chop off certain parts and mix and match so both of them would win.
Howard said either one, for regular guys, would be a prize. He said that a drunken celebrity might go for them. Fred said he thinks he's dead on. Jackie said with a couple of beers they'd go from a 6 to an 8 no problem.
The girls were complaining about it being cold in there. Howard said they have to keep it that way. He said that they both walk out of there with 7s today.
Howard said it looks like the other girl doesn't shave. He said the one who grooms goes up to a 9 being fully shaved. Howard said they're both cute though. He said the one girl has winter shrubbery in her pants.
Howard asked the girls if they were married. They weren't. Howard asked Gary what he thinks. Gary said he thought the blonde had a nice body but the other one was a better overall package. Gary said it would be very close. He said they're both pretty equal. Howard said he liked the brown haired girl. He said he liked the Blonde's body better though. He said it would be a tough call.
Howard said that the blonde should keep her clothes off and the brown hair should keep her clothes on. He said that would be best for everyone. Howard said they did ask for an evaluation so he's just telling it like it is. He asked if they were okay with that. They said they were fine with it.
Howard said all of the guys in the studio would have sex switch them. They asked if they could kiss him goodbye. Howard said that was fine. The girls came over and gave him kisses. Fred played an unzipping sound effect when they walked over. Howard said he liked the one with the brown hair. He said that was his type.
Robin asked Howard what he would do if he was single and hit on both of them in a bar but took them both home. She asked which one he would like. Howard said he'll have to think about it but he thinks it would be the brown haired girl.
In the clip Howard had a guy come in who claimed to be a male stripper. Robin said he can't be a stripper. Howard said he's not even dressed like a stripper. Howard said he had a sweatshirt on. Howard said he's better looking than this guy is. He said he better have a baloney in his pants.
Howard asked the guy where he wanted to do his thing. He wanted to go into Robin's booth. Howard asked him about how long he's been doing this and found out it's been about 4 years. Howard asked Gary if he scrubbed him down with a wire brush.
Howard said he wanted to see wiener. The guy wanted to go in the room with Robin but Howard told her to come in there instead. Robin came in.
Howard said Robin is getting real horny lately. The stripper started taking his clothes off so Fred played some stripping music. Howard said the guy was in okay shape. He said the embarrassing thing is that you just stand there watching while the guy is taking his clothes off.
The stripper took his clothes off and he wasn't really dancing. Robin asked what this was. Howard said he was humping the floor. Robin said he was thrusting his pelvis at the floor like he was exercising. Howard told the guy they don't have all day. The guy continued to do his strip and Robin told him to forget it and walked out.
Howard said the guy wasn't any bigger than he is in the penis area. Howard said he can't believe that women want to bang him after doing something like that. The stripper said that they do though. Howard said it was nice to see him as they were taking him out.
Howard said if that was $60 bucks worth then he could get 40-45 himself. Howard said his penis wasn't that big. Jackie said it was like an acorn. Howard said he figured a male stripper has to have something down there. Robin said he was no stripper. Howard said he took off his sweatshirt and sweat pants, got on the floor and humped the floor. He took off his underwear and thrusted some more. Robin said most strippers are more intense than that. She said this was just ridiculous.
Howard asked if the guy was for real. Gary said he knows he's for real. Gary said the guy knows the show and he was saying that they were really rough on him as he was leaving.
George Takei Calls In. 11/10/05. 8:45am
After the break Howard introduced the recently outed George Takei. He played Kidd Chris' Sulu Dance song parody before talking to Mr. Takei. Takei was talking about how Howard has made him quite a regular on his show even though it hasn't been live. Howard then brought up the fact that George recently came out of the closet. George said that he really wasn't in the closet, he and Brad have been pretty open about their relationship. Howard thought that George was so masculine that it was surprising that he was actually gay. George told Howard that he knew from about the age of 8 or 9 that he was into boys. He would see other guys in tight trousers and it was more interesting to him than little girls. He said the gay thing doesn't just happen immediately though. He said it's more like walking down a hallway and it gets brighter and brighter as you're walking down that hallway.
Howard told George about the interviews they did with a bunch of barber shops and asked him if he knew how much controversy there would be when he came out. George said that he didn't know it would be so crazy and has gotten a lot of e-mail about it. Howard played him the tape of the interviews they did with the barber shop people. There were a lot of people who thought he shouldn't have come out of the closet. George said that people like to think in stereotypes and they shouldn't believe what they see on TV and shouldn't be so effected by what his true life is like. Howard wondered if George's appearances will still go on as they have in the past now that he's known as being gay. George said that most of the feedback he's been getting is positive so he thinks that everything will be fine.
Howard asked if they would be taking away his Admiral's stripes now that he's come out. George laughed and didn't answer that. Howard asked George if he ever tried to hide his homosexuality back when he was on Star Trek. George said he did have ''beards'' back then who he would use to cover up. He has had sex with women in the past as well.
George brought up this play Equus that he's starring in out in Los Angeles through December 4th. He mentioned some of the stuff that they do in the play and how there is some gay stuff in it. Howard asked him if there are any other gay people from the cast of Star Trek. George said that there are none that he knows of. Howard asked him if he was attracted to anyone on the show. George wasn't into anyone on the show but he did like a guest star by the name of Michael Forrest but he didn't come on to him because he was acting as a professional. Takei said that he wasn't attracted to William Shatner and he never got to see Leonard Nimoy's package.
Howard asked George if he thinks William Shatner would have ridiculed him about his homosexuality. George said he doesn't believe that would have happened and he was very professional back then. Howard asked George some questions about being gay but there were some things that he didn't want to talk about. George told Howard that talking about this stuff now so openly is amazing. It wouldn't have been possible back when he was a teenager.
Takei also said that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a dangerous politician. He used to say positive things about gays and lesbians but wouldn't pass a bill that would allow same sex marriage. He said that Schwarzenegger lied to everyone and that's very dangerous.
Howard asked George if he's attracted to him at all. George said he is kind of attracted to him and he would think about having sex with him. Howard thought that George was saying that he's got to be the bottom in the relationship but George wasn't saying that. Howard told him that he's going to have him on his satellite radio show and will do him right there in the studio.
George was telling Howard how much he respects his right to do what he wants to do on the radio and how wrong it is that they won't allow him to do it on terrestrial radio. Takei remembered the first time he talked to Howard and how he immediately said that he must have a big dong because his voice was so deep. That was many years ago and he still won't talk about the size of his 'dong.'
Howard read that George met his boyfriend in a gay running club and he wasn't aware there was such a thing. George told Howard about the meeting and how he hooked up with the guy. Howard asked George how many guys he's been with and how he used to meet men. George said there used to be Gay Bath Houses and that's where he would go. He didn't have a number when Howard asked him how many men he's been with. Robin asked him if he ever used a glory hole. George sounded surprised that she knew about them and wanted to know how she found out about them. Robin also asked him if he has ever stepped out on his boyfriend in the 18 years they've been together. George started to go on and on about same sex relationships and how they're even more committed than most straight couples. George said that he's committed to Brad and has never cheated on him.
Howard asked George if he's totally shaven down below. George said that he's not. Ralph called in and asked Howard to replay the interview from the beginning because it's so great. He told a story that Sam Simon told him about the time he taped some stuff for The Simpsons and how they had an attractive Personal Assistant there who was helping George out with stuff and he'd come up with all kinds of excuses to have him come over. George said he's known many guys by the name of Joe so he wasn't sure about that one.
Howard gave George a plug for the Equus play he's in and took some more phone calls. One caller said that George has just surpassed Mark Harris as his ''favorite fag'' on the show. George said he doesn't know him though so she can't say that. The caller said he knows plenty about him and he is his favorite. Howard started to wrap up with George after that and asked him what he was wearing. George told him that he was in sweat pants without underwear on. Artie seemed to break in and ask him about his dog Le Wren Blanch who passed away since they last heard about her. George said that it was very sad when she passed on.
Howard asked George about how one of his siblings has a problem with him being gay. George said that the sibling would come and visit years ago and he hopes to recapture what they had as children. He wouldn't say if the sibling was male or female though. Howard gave George some more plugs for his play and said you can find more about that at GeorgeTakei.com.
George got off the phone as Howard was giving a wrap up of what they had just learned about him. Fred also threw in the George Takei song parodies that they played earlier in the morning. There were also some prank phone calls that they made using his audio clips. Fred also had a bunch of phony clips that they created using George's book on tape to make it sound like he was saying all kinds of gay things. Gary told Howard that Richard Christy looked like he was happy with all of the new clips he was going to be having fun with while the interview was going on. He also said that a lot of people in the office were saying that it was the best interview ever. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Dr. Natasha's Orgasm Demonstration. 11/10/03. 10:20am
During Robin's news a couple of women showed up and said they wanted to take Norm MacDonald's spot on the show. One of them offered to get naked for Howard. The girl who wanted to get naked works for Playboy. Howard figured they just wanted to get some plugs while they were there. Howard asked Norm if he wanted to see that and Norm didn't seem interested. One of the women, Dr. Natasha Terry, said she's been on the show before and she's a sex therapist. She talked about the G-spot when she was on. Norm said he just heard about this G-spot thing recently and that you have to try and find it in a woman. He said he can't even find a guy's balls. Howard spent a minute talking to the women about the Playboy thing.
Howard had the one woman who wanted to get naked go right ahead and do that. She was a 97 pound Korean woman. Howard said she looked pretty good. He checked out her ass but Norm wasn't looking over. Howard wondered if he's gay or something. Norm said he's not gay, he just doesn't know the woman. The sex therapist was telling Howard that she could give the woman an orgasm just by touching her the right way. The therapist said that she was able to give this other chick a big orgasm earlier just by hitting that G-spot. She demonstrated it for Howard right there in the studio. The Korean woman was moaning and all but Artie thought she was acting. The sex therapist got in a plug for her web site BetterLoveLife.com after doing her demonstration. Gary came in a minute later and said she was handling her like a bowling ball and her fingers everywhere during that. She said she can teach a guy how to give a woman an orgasm if they wanted. Howard sent Benjy over to give it a try. Benjy pulled his pants down and went over there but the girls were yelling ''No, No!'' as he did that. Howard had to go to break right after that.
After the break Howard talked to Norm about being so uptight about what had just gone on. Norm also talked about how some porn movies don't time things right. He said he was watching one in a hotel room. He was pleasuring himself and all of a sudden they cut to a scene with two dudes in it and all of a sudden there's a story there. Howard told him he needs to pre-watch a porn movie because that can be a problem. He had Robin get back to her news shortly after that.
The Ultimate Stern Superfan Trivia Contest. 11/10/10. 7:10am
After the break we heard some prank calls Sal and Richard made to a Tradio show selling all kinds of items related to ''cock.'' Fred also played Paul McCartney's ''Maybe I'm Amazed'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that song might be his favorite solo song that he did. Howard said Billy Joel is coming in next week and he's been keeping track of some questions for him. He said he's been thinking about some of the lyrics in his songs and he has to ask him about them when he's in next week. Howard thinks he has some conclusions about some of them already. Gary said he looked up some stuff to and he has some notes for Howard. Gary said they have a Steinway Baby Grand piano that's coming in there and they'll be tuning it the night before and the same day to make sure it's just right.
Howard said he has a lot of questions for Jay-Z next week too. Gary said that the book is about how he wrote some of the songs he wrote. He said that Lucas read some of that book and he was saying that it was kind of sad. Howard told Sal to keep his cock away from the Steinway next week.
Howard said he's excited about this Superfan contest. He said that it's a bunch of Superfans versus the staff. They have Brian Phelan as one of the guys on the staff. Howard told him to try and not get into a fight with any of the fans. Brian said that they had better not push him. Howard said Gary is in the staff group too. He said Gary knows a lot about the show. He asked if he feels they can beat them. Gary said he dos. Howard said that Fred is also in the group. Fred thinks that Jon Hein should have been in this group.
Howard said they had to meet the superfans. Sal and Richard were sitting in for Fred on his computer playing sound effects. Howard told the fans that they could win $2,500 each if they win. They'd also be getting a cruise thanks to Budweiser. Howard said if they lose they get nothing.
Howard said hello to Barbara Younger who said that she's been listening to the show off and on for 20 years but she got obsessed after 9/11. She said that she works on a trading desk so she can't listen in real time. Barbara said she listens in detail after recording it. Gary asked if he played her in Beat the Booey. Barbara said she actually got eliminated from that so she didn't play Gary.
Howard said that Barbara is obsessed with Fred. Barbara said that he's on top of things and he's like the pulse of the show and he punctuates things so beautifully. Howard said he's going to have her locked up. Howard asked if she likes hearing from Fred. She said she loves hearing Fred when he talks. Howard asked Barbara about her marriage and if the listening interrupts that. She said that it makes her husband mental a little bit but it doesn't cause any problems. Howard asked if she is confident that she can beat these guys. She said she thinks she can.
Howard said hello to Steve who has been listening since 1986. Howard asked if he has been asked if he's married. He said he's got a second wife and she doesn't get upset with his listening. She's a major fan as well. He said he was on the show once and Ralph was a dick to him. Steve said that he saw Captain Janks in the green room and he got hit with some shrapnel.
Howard said hi to Liz next. He asked what makes her an expert. She said she's been listening since 1984 and she and her husband watch Howard TV during dinner. She said that her best friend is Ass Napkin Ed too. She said she found him on the street and he's really a nice guy. She said that he becomes one with her couch and he does absolutely nothing when he's hanging out. Howard asked if he leaves when she asks him to. She said she does have to scrape him off her couch but he will leave. Liz said she loves everyone on the show and even loves the people she hates. Liz said she and Ed met online and they had a lot in common. She said she shouldn't even say that though.
Howard said he wishes the fans the best of luck. He said he has a bunch of questions and they'll be 5 point, then 10 point and then 25 point questions. He said that when they buzz in they buzz in as a team. He said if they get it wrong they deduct points. Howard said they won't be able to discuss the answers. whoever buzzes in has to answer.
Howard started the game and said Gary looked nervous. Gary said he was tired but then he said he was actually a little nervous. Howard started the game and ripped through the questions really quickly. Here are some of the 5 point questions:
They ran into some technical difficulties with the audio of their button presses so they went to break to try and work that out.
The Ultimate Stern Superfan Trivia Contest Part 2. 11/10/10. 7:40am
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to a roofing company using clips of Scott the Engineer freaking out about smoking. Fred also played Metallica's cover of ''Turn the Page'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and got back to the game. He said they were having tremendous technical difficulties. He said that's the way his life goes. Howard said it works off the air but not on the air. They had an air horn for the staff and a bell for the superfans. Then they got the sound effects back so they were all set.
Howard said they had the Superfans at 40 points and the staff at 35. Howard said they have Steve, Liz and Barbara on the Superfan side. Howard said they're in the middle of the 10 point round. Howard got back to the game after telling them what they were playing for. Howard said he couldn't get his equipment to work so he wanted to end it. They had to hit the buzzer just right to get it to work. Here are more of the 10 point questions:
Howard said everyone was discussing this trying to figure out who it was. Robin said no one was writing. Howard told them they had to come up with something. Howard went to the staff who had 45 points. The fans didn't look happy about their answer. They came up with Benjy Bronk. Howard asked if they think they're right. Howard asked who was responsible for the answer. Liz said she was. Howard said if she's right then she won it for them. Howard said this could redeem Liz since she missed a few during the game. Howard said Barbara had some incredible answers. Howard said that their answer was correct so they got the 25 points and that brought them up to 65 points. Howard said that the staff could win if they got it right. They answered Jon Hein and lost to the Superfans.
Howard said that the fans won and Jon was upset that they put him down for that answer. Howard said he forgot that Benjy was second in that narcissism quiz. Howard asked Liz where that came from Liz said that came out of her ass.
Howard asked the fans what they're going to do with their money. Liz is out of a job so she needed it. Steve said he just had an operation so he's going to use it for that. Barbara is going to take a Transcendental Meditation course.
Howard said that Liz brought in Ass Napkin Ed with her today. She said he was there and he wasn't as wasted as they think he is. Ed came in and said he put a tooth in. Howard didn't know what he was talking about. Ed did sound pretty drunk. Ed showed Howard that he made a tooth and put it in his mouth. Howard asked what he was drinking today. Ed said he was drinking wine. Liz said he was drinking brandy too.
Howard said it's kind of early to be drinking. Ed didn't seem to think so. He asked Howard if he would sign his book. Howard said he was kind of upset to see him so wasted this morning. Howard asked if he's going to sell the book. Ed laughed and said ''yeah.'' Howard said he heard that Ed was trying to charge people to bring them up there. He asked if he found anyone. Ed said he didn't.
Ed was telling Gary that he was wearing the same thing he was because Gary wears the same thing every day. He also asked why Gary didn't call him back. Gary said he doesn't call him back because he always forgets what he called about. Ed was trying to goof on him about his lists too but Gary said they went over that already yesterday.
Howard asked Ed about his dripping ass and if he has a napkin in there. Liz said he has 3 pair of underwear on today. Howard asked why he does that. Ed said he shit himself last night. Howard asked why he would wear them today then. Ed was upset with Gary looking at him. He said Gary is an asshole. Howard wanted to know about the underwear.
Gary said Ed's backpack is in the green room and they can see that he has the big bladder of wine he has in the bag. He said that's what he's been drinking. Ed told Gary he's an asshole. Howard asked how he got there last night. Liz said he took the bus down and she went to pick him up. She said they stayed at a hotel last night though. She said he has been at her house though.
Howard asked Ed about his underwear again but Ed told him to suck his dick. Gary told Howard they took away a bunch of the other drinks he had with him this morning. Howard wondered where he gets the money for that stuff. Ed said he gets it from the government. Ed said they took a bunch of his shit when they got there. Ronnie said that he had a book that wasn't Howard's book. It was one of those unauthorized biographies. Howard said he'd sign it, he didn't care. He said he won't do it right now but he will do it later. He said he'll do that in the commercial.
Howard asked Liz how she can take this. She said she's the oldest of 5 kids so she knows how to deal. Ed asked Howard if he saw his Caroline's comedy show. Howard said he didn't see it. Ed said he's not going to take this shit from him. He didn't even know what shit he was talking about.
Ed said that Eric the Midget can suck his dick too. Howard asked Liz if she leaves Ed at her house alone. She said she has. She said Ed never nags her for money or anything. Howard said he had to move along now. He congratulated everyone on their win. They went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard said they were looking for a radio DJ to appear in the magazine so he was going to call them to find out more. Howard made the call and tried to get this woman, Nancy, on the line. Howard got her on the line and said he would appear in the magazine if they gave him some decent money. Howard said they're not offering enough money. Nancy told Howard they offered some guy by the name of Rocco some money but he hasn't accepted yet. She said that they're still in negotiations right now.
Howard told Nancy that she's never going to get anyone good if they don't offer more money. Nancy said they have offers out to a bunch of people around the country. Howard asked who they were. Nancy didn't give names but mentioned what cities they were from. Howard told her he wants an offer like 500,000 or maybe 750,000. She said that it's more like 10,000.
Howard said that he won't show his wiener for that kind of money. He said he needs at least 100,000 per inch so 500,000 would do it.
Howard asked Nancy why she never even called his agent to discuss it. She said she has other stuff going on. She said she'll call after they get off the phone.
Howard took some calls and asked the fans if they'd want to see that issue. One guy said he wouldn't pay four bucks to see his issue. Robin said he's ruining this. The caller said that he'd pay the four bucks. Howard said the guy thinks that he's going to be considered a homosexual if he says he will. The guy said he actually would buy it but he doesn't think he's a comic genius. Howard said he didn't say he was. He also doesn't care what he thinks. Howard and the caller went back and forth arguing about that.
Howard continued negotiating with Nancy for a few minutes. He told her to call his agent and said she keeps saying she will but she never does. Howard said that if his agent asks for a million then she can come back with 750,000 and maybe they can do something.
Gary told Howard he's gotten about 14 calls in the past few minutes from people who are willing to buy the magazine. Howard took one of those calls and the guy said that he would buy 15 copies. He told Howard that he's the funniest thing in the world and this woman must realize that. The guy told Howard that he's the funniest guy over and over. He said even his mom would buy like 5 copies of the magazine. Everyone was amused by his call and kept him on the line for a while. Howard told the guy that what he has to do now is call Nancy and tell her what they want.
Howard asked the guy if he's sleeping with his mother. The guy said no way. Howard asked where he works. He said he worked in a post office and a liquor store but now he's not working. Howard told Nancy he wanted her to feel the power of his audience so he wants them to call her. Nancy didn't seem too into that.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to the nutty caller. The guy asked if he and Fred were going out later. Howard said he sounds great and now Nancy knows how rabid his listeners are. The caller said everything Howard says is great. He said even when he says the weather or says ''Good chattin' with you Letterman'' is funny. Howard said he thinks he made his point.
Comedian Jeff Cesario Sits In For The News. 11/10/04. 9:10am
Howard played some tape from a home shopping channel that Jackie the Joke Man appeared on this morning to sell some of his joke stuff. Howard wasn't going to play it but the woman who called in had him convinced that he had to hear it. The host of the show was mentioning Howard's name more than Jackie's though so it was kind of funny. The guy also had a delivery that was like a lame morning zoo host. Howard said they'd get to the rest of the Jackie tape on tomorrow's show. He wanted to get to the news. He wanted to listen to more of it but he really had to get out of there early today.
Captain Janks called in and said that he got an e-mail from a guy who told him that Jackie still introduces himself as being from the Howard Stern Show. He didn't believe it until he heard the tape that Howard just played. Howard said that's fine, it's just a credit that he's known for. Janks also got in a plug for his trivia night that he does at this place The Tex Mex Connection. Howard let him do that and then had Robin start her news. Howard did play a little more of the Jackie tape during the news. Jackie was pushing his joke machines like crazy. Jackie's got one for kids and they played with that one a little bit during the segment. Jackie was explaining how much kids love those things and how they just love the knock-knock jokes. Jackie said that an unpopular kid can get the joke machine and go in and tell some jokes to get noticed. Howard thought that was pretty funny. He doesn't mind Jackie selling his stuff out there like that but an unpopular kid telling jokes isn't going to make him more popular. Jeff said that the kid will probably get beaten up if that happens. Jackie was also pushing the machine as being something that's very easy to wrap. Howard told Gary to get him one of those machines so he can play with it on the air. Jackie was also pushing his Jokemaster 2 which Howard and the guys were goofing on. They played some of the jokes on the show and they were clean, goofy jokes. Gary came in with his own Jokemaster so Howard played with that for a couple of minutes. Jackie's voice is speeded up a little bit so it makes his laugh sound even goofier. That led to the guys goofing on poor Jackie even more.
A phone caller told Howard that he was done with Jackie anyway and he likes Artie 100 times better than Jackie. Howard said there's room for everyone and he loves both Jackie and Artie very much... but he loves working with Artie and he's glad he's there. Howard had Robin get back to her news but the guys couldn't stop goofing on Jackie's joke machines. They were coming up with their own lame, kid-safe jokes. Robin finished her news and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
In the clip Howard had Fred come in as Kurt Waldheim Jr. Fred played the part and made an opening speech. Kurt and Howard talked about a few things in the news and Robin had some details that Kurt kept saying were lies, all lies. Kurt and Robin argued for a few minutes and then Kurt asked why they don't just play a game.
Howard said it was time to talk about Jews. He said he had to take a commercial break but then he figured he should find a player. Kurt told him it was best to take a break first.
After the edited out break Howard got to the phones and found someone to play Guess Who's the Jew. Howard was going to find a player but Kurt had a few things to say first. He was throwing out racist comments and goofing on just about everyone he could.
Howard said he knows Kurt wants to play his game. Howard said Kurt will give 3 names and one of the three is Jewish. The caller playing has to guess which one is the Jew. Gary gave a rundown of the prizes they had for the winner. Kurt was goofing on Gary too and had Howard cracking up.
Howard took a call from a caller who wanted to play the game. Kurt was really wound up and yelling about all of the lies, lies, all lies that people were telling. Howard asked if it was true that Marlon Brando had become a Jew. Kurt said he was just joking. He told Howard to read between the lines.
The caller Howard had on the line was Italian and German. Kurt said he could play. He said he had part of the axis and if they could just get a Jap on the phone...
Kurt moved on to the game and gave the names Roman Polanski, Jerry Lee Lewis and Bill Wyman from the Rolling Stones. Howard went over each person and tried to help the caller figure out what the answer was. The caller said he's going to say the Jew is Roman Polanski. Kurt said he was absolutely right. Howard said he was going to guess it was Bill Wyman. Kurt said that's not his real names so that's why it's misleading.
Howard told the caller he had a choice of prizes. Kurt gave the names Burt Lancaster, Rod Steiger and Kirk Douglas. The caller, Richie, was playing for a double or nothing prize. He picked Rod Steiger as the Jew. It turns out it was Kirk Douglas. Howard said he thought it was Burt Lancaster. Howard said the caller lost everything.
Howard spent a minute talking to the caller before letting him go. The caller said he saw Susan Berkowitz on Joe Franklin last night and she looks like a real Jew to him. Howard asked the guy if he really hates the Jews. The guy sounded like he did. He said that they're slime. Howard said he hopes he doesn't accidentally hang up on him. Howard asked if he has people who push him around and are really obnoxious. The guy said that they are very obnoxious.
Howard talked to the caller about his anger issues and things like that too. Howard said it sounds like the guy is filled with hatred. Howard asked what the Jews do to him at work. Richie said that the Jews are very pushy at work. He said he's a messenger and he has to bring things around the hospital and he can't get it all done fast. He said they want it their way and that's it.
Howard said he's not sure how he's going to fix his problems. Richie said he'll be fine. Howard said that they're going to hell because they're instigating this man. Howard wrapped up with Kurt and the caller a short time later.
Crying Over A Dead Dog And Scott's Bowling. 11/10/04. 6:00am
Howard said that Robin was talking to him out in the hall and suggested that they should throw a big party and invite everyone from the show. He said that might be a good idea and they might do it around Valentine's day again. Howard wondered who they would have to the party. Artie said ''Everyone but Scott the Engineer!'' Robin said that's an idea. She said she'd have Scott work on the party but not be invited. Robin said they could have everyone who's supported the show, advertisers and people like that. The party wouldn't be on the air though so it would just be a celebration of the last year that they have coming up. Howard thinks it'll be a little premature to have a party in February of next year because they might be there the whole year. Either that or they'll be off the air. Howard said that he's been planning the first show over at Sirius already. He and Robin said that Scott the Engineer won't be invited to either day. Scott came in and said he's used to stuff like that so he won't get upset. Howard said he probably will get upset because that's what happens every time.
Artie said he's seen a difference in Scott since the day Pat Croce was there. Scott said that he has a different attitude now. Howard talked to him about how people just ignore him there at the station. Robin said that Scott was the only one who wasn't told that his bowling league canceled their bowling the night of 9/11. Robin was over at their house because she couldn't get home that night. She saw Scott go out to go bowling but he came home a short time later because bowling night had been canceled. Scott said there were people bowling that night but his team didn't show up to bowl. That led to Howard talking to Scott about his customized bowling ball and where he got that made. Scott told him how he got the ball at the bowling alley and had the holes drilled there. Gary wondered if they had his name or a nickname on the ball. Scott said he doesn't have a nickname other than A-hole. Howard said he wants to get him a ball that says ''Kid Nicotine'' even though Scott no longer smokes. Scott does need a new ball so that wouldn't be a bad gift. Scott said when you start to bowl bad you blame the ball so that's why he's thinking he needs a new ball. Artie said he's only seen one other guy with his name on the ball... Jeff the Drunk. Scott said that the ball cost him about $250 which is pretty expensive. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Scott while they were talking to him about this stuff. Howard asked Scott if they could cross out his name and write ''Loser'' on the ball. Scott seemed to take it all pretty well and didn't get upset about the goofing. Robin remembered hearing Scott's bowling ball rolling around in the trunk of his car that day she spent with him.
In the clip Howard had a woman on the phone who had a story about the cops picking her up for giving the finger to someone. The woman was giving the details of her whole trip so Howard asked her to give the details of the incident and not her whole day. The woman said she was making a turn and someone honked at her so she gave the finger to that woman. She said a police officer pulled her over and cited her for disorderly conduct. Howard said she deserved it. The caller said honking your horn isn't right either. Howard said he just lets people honk at him if they want to. He can't do anything about it.
Howard said people think they're road warriors when they drive. He said there are guys who will zoom up behind you in the right lane and honk at you. Howard said most of them will speed off if you try to confront them. The caller said that if they put a limit on things like this then people are going to get attacked.
The caller said she looked up the honking and it's considered an obscene noise. Howard asked if she looked to see if it was a woman before she gave the finger. She said she did but she didn't do it to make sure it wasn't a man.
Howard said the world is full of jerks. He said if people just stayed on the road it would be fine. The caller said she has a lawyer and he called into a local talk show. He's willing to do the job for free if she wants to fight it. Her lawyer got on the phone and said that she was found guilty of disorderly conduct for flipping the bird. He said he came in and argued that it was her right to free speech. Howard said he can go along with that. The lawyer, Phil, said he's going to appeal the case. He said he thinks that flipping the bird should be okay to do. The caller said she's stopped doing it since then.
Phil told Howard he was on David Brenner's show and he called him the middle finger lawyer of the world. Howard said he should go talk to David some more then. Phil said he wanted to talk to Howard. Howard said he's heard enough.
Phil told Howard that they fined this woman $171 over this. Phil asked if his girlfriend could say hello. Howard said he was done at that point. He hung up on them.
Howard said it is weird that the cops gave her a ticket for flipping the bird. Howard said he sees it going on all the time. Howard said he's more bothered by the horn honking than by the finger. Robin said he sees Ronnie in constant fights. Howard said he drives the car for a living and he figured he'd mellow out by now. Howard said Ronnie will pull up and stare at people. Robin said he gets out of the car and confronts people at times.
Jackie said he rides with Ronnie and Howard once in a while and he's tense for the rest of his drive home. Robin said she knew a guy who was like Ronnie and he got out of his car and got into a fight with a bus driver. That guy got his nose broken by the bus driver.
Howard said Ronnie claims he only cuts people off after he's been cut off. Howard said he just lets people go. He doesn't get so upset.
Howard said the whole thing is pretty funny and he can't take it. He said there are so many people flipping the bird and honking. He said there are also guys who do like 100 miles an hour on the highway and they begin to honk. Howard said they honk and get mad at you and shift over to the right and they don't even know where they're going.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 11:25am.