|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
|Please help support MarksFriggin.com by using these sites:|
(Sirius, XM merch and more)
(Just about everything)
Playboy Cyber Club
Howard started the show talking about how Sirius and XM seem to be one company at times and two at others. He said when it comes to him it's two. He said this is going to be a fun court case. He said he wants them to hear the explanation in court when they explain how it's one company but it's really two companies. Howard said there are people around there who spend their lives concentrating on him. He said it's going to take forever to get it to court too.
Howard said he watched a football game this weekend. He said he watched the Penn State game. He said he's not sure what he was looking for but he wanted to see what was going on. Robin said that they had a list of crap that the Sandusky guy was up to.
Howard said the greatest sentence he saw in the NY Post on Saturday was in an article about this Sandusky guy. Howard said he's an alleged child raper. Howard said he was reading the article and they wrote this sentence about Sandusky where they said that one of the windows in his home was shattered that looks out into a playground. Howard said that's just too much. Howard said the guy was looking out on a kid's playground. Howard said they should investigate anyone who has that kind of view. He said anyone who has enough money not to have that view should be investigated.
Robin said that this guy also adopted a bunch of kids. Howard said he posed as a heterosexual man and he should have had a modeling agency view, not a playground view. Howard said he'd love to interview his wife and find out what she was thinking. Howard said she might talk about how much he seemed to love kids. Howard said the guy is an animal.
Howard said he was watching the Penn State game and it was so offensive when he saw these young college kids holding up sings saying that they love Joe Pa. Howard said they held a vigil for the guy and just about rioted over his firing. Howard said he'd like to say something to the young dummies over at Penn State. He said they should shut the school down and give the money to the kids who this guy allegedly raped. Howard said when you're 10 years old and you get blown by this old coot your life is over and you might as well put a bullet in your head. Robin said she wouldn't go that far.
Gary asked if he read the whole article. Howard said he has read a lot. He said they have graphic detail about what this guy was up to and he had to stop about halfway through it. Gary said that it was so much more than just raping the kids. They say that he would have the kids at his house and he'd hide in the basement and climb on top of the kids and roll the kids over on top of him. He claimed he was cracking their backs. That was just foreplay for the guy.
Gary said they say that Sandusky knew where this one kid went to school and he just bypassed his mother and took the kid out of class without letting the mom know. Howard said he was a very trusted man. Gary said one night the wrestling coach came in and saw this kid on the ground with Sandusky. He didn't know much about football so he just figured they were working out.
Howard said the kids are so stupid at Penn State writing all of this stuff on their chests and signs. Howard said Joe Paterno is a fucking scumbag. Howard said there's a jock mentality and they all stick together like it's more important than these kids. Howard said that it's just a dumb game. He said for the most part you're dealing with a bunch of dummies. Howard said this McQueery guy saw the fucking in the ass or whatever he saw and he went to his dad and told him about this first. Howard said the guy is a grown man and he went to his dad. Howard said his dad figured they'd tell ''Joe Pa'' and tell him about it instead of going to the cops. Howard said Joe figured he's tell the school and everyone knows the rest.
Robin said the guy didn't even try to stop it. She said that he just left when he saw it. Howard said this guy McQueery should have gone to Joe and Joe should have rammed his fist down the guy's throat.
Howard had a guy on the phone who said that they didn't have signs like Howard was saying. Howard said he saw what went on. He said he saw like 150 people outside of this guy's place. The caller said it was a candle light vigil.
Howard said he feels bad for the kids who go to that school. He said he feels bad for the kids who play football there because they're fucked now too. Robin said the people who go to the school are being victimized now.
Howard said if he had gotten a call about his kids being fucked in the ass and raped in school he would have freaked out. Howard said that the kids who are against this guy Joe Pa being fired are really out of it. He said they have to think about what they're doing.
Benjy said they were making out and she started laughing. Benjy said that she didn't think she didn't like him and they ended up making out. Benjy said they're having a good time but they haven't had intercourse yet. Howard said he might just be saying that. Howard asked if she's his girlfriend now. Benjy said she is. Howard said he thinks they've had sex but Benjy won't say they have. Howard said he worries about Benjy because once he gets the girl he loses interest.
Benjy said he really likes her. Fred added ''for now...'' Benjy said he has love for her but he's not ''in love.'' Howard and Robin said that he did say that he was in love. Benjy said he still feels that way about her. Howard said he said he would marry her. Benjy said he said she's someone he would consider marrying. Howard said he's changing his tune on this.
Benjy said that they are still getting to know each other and he has a tremendous love for her. Howard said he was saying that he was willing to marry her not too long ago and now he's saying he has to get to know her. Benjy said he's still working into it. He said he hasn't lost interest at all. He said he really hasn't.
Robin was reading more about this Sandusky guy and how his neighbors have to deal with people throwing stuff through his windows.
Howard said he was reading these reports and some people said they couldn't wait for him to be a judge. some people were saying it would no longer be a family show. Howard said he thought to himself about going on network TV and it's a different kind of animal. He said he has been running a career for 35 years now and he's the most successful guy in radio. He said he's a phenom. He said he had a number 1 movie, a number 1 pay-per-view, books and more. Howard said he takes it very seriously. Howard said if he was a judge there would be no more nonsense.
Howard said Howie and Piers used to have this rivalry but he'd be there to find talent. Howard said he can't even remember the guy who won last year. He went over some of the other people who are on that show.
Howard said he is not the next judge and he has no deal with America's Got Talent. Howard said he won't comment on negotiations though. He said negotiations can go horribly wrong.
Howard said he had some audio of some of the reports about him possibly being a judge. Howard took one more call before getting to them though. Mark in Boston called in and asked if he would be okay with $15 million. He didn't think that was enough. Howard said he doesn't think so either. Howard said everyone knows he doesn't get out of bed for less than 25. Mark said that they gave Oprah $25 million to do nothing there at Sirius. Howard said they know what they're doing there, don't they.
Howard said he has the greatest career in the world. He said he has really loyal fans. He said that Glenn Beck isn't even heard from anymore. Howard said the guy has like 4 people subscribing to his network. Mark said he ''pulled a Jackie.'' Howard did his Jackie impression for a minute talking about quitting the show.
Howard said he has great fans and a great career going. He said he won't comment on his negotiations though. Howard said he heard one report where they said that the people who watch the show won't watch if he's a judge. Howard said they had a radio guy saying it was a terrible guy to have Howard Stern on the show. Howard played that clip. In the clip this radio guy, Jay Morgan, was talking about what a bad idea it was to have Howard Stern on the show but he also thought that Sharon Osbourne didn't make much sense either. Howard said this guy is on in Orlando and he's just a dumb fuck.
Howard played more of the news reports where one reporter was talking about what a fan she is of Howard's. The co-host was saying that Howard will have to filter himself. Howard said he wouldn't be dirty if he was on the show. He said the whole thing is so silly.
Howard said he wouldn't put up with any of what Sharon and Howie do on the show. He said he would get everyone in line.
Howard played another news report where the hosts were talking about the rumor about Howard being a judge. One of the reporters was wondering how many bleeps they'd have in the show. Howard said the guy is an idiot and he wouldn't have one bleep. Howard said Sharon and Howie curse in their acts but they don't curse on America's Got Talent. The reporters were talking about how Howard curses all the time so they'd have to bleep him all the time. Robin said this woman made it seem like every other word he says is a curse. Howard said that's just fuckin' not true.
Howard played more of this news report and said he loves the rumors because it gets everyone talking about him. He played another news report and noticed how everyone in the news room chimes in when they talk about him. He said all of a sudden they turn unprofessional. Howard listened to the next report and a couple of the women were saying it was a great idea to have Howard Stern as a judge.
Howard played another news report where they were talking about the rumor. They pointed out that Piers Morgan had to drop the show to concentrate on his CNN show. Howard asked Robin if she would come on and do something. Robin asked if he's booking talent now. Howard said sure. Howard said Robin can sit in so he can ask her what she thinks.
Howard played a news report where a guy was defending him saying that he has great insight and great instincts and he calls it like he sees it. He said that Howard is a professional and he knows what works and doesn't work. He said he's not going to have someone siting on a button. He said he thinks that he will be great at it if he does do the show. Another woman on the show said that the judges on American Idol have been kind of boring and she thinks that Howard would love it if Howard was on the show.
Howard said Piers sent him a note saying he wishes him luck if the rumors are true. He said Piers said he knows he will be good but not as good as him. Howard said he thought that was pretty funny.
Howard said he's not opposed to the idea. He said he won't comment on rumors though. Howard said if he had a deal he might say something... or maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he'd just show up on the show.
Howard took a call from this guy Tommy who said he was hoping the rumor was false. He said he thinks that Piers dropped the wrong show. Howard said he thinks he did too. Howard said he doesn't think the CNN thing is going that great. Robin said she thinks that Piers really wants that to work out. Howard said the guy is a great judge and he should have stuck with it. Tommy said that he thinks he's smarter than he is. He said he didn't listen to Howard when Howard gave him advice.
Howard played another news report about the rumor. In that one a female reporter just said ''money'' when she heard the report. Robin said it's not like this woman does her job for free. Howard said that he doesn't have a deal so how would anyone know what his salary would be? Howard said he's not sure how anyone would know any of that information. He said he'd like them to step forward and show him their source.
Howard played another clip of a news report where they discussed the rumor. One reporter said ''I don't know about that...'' after the other reporter read the story. Howard goofed on him for a few seconds.
Howard played the clip of Rick Perry forgetting what the third agency was that he wanted to do away with. He wasn't able to name the third agency that he wanted to mention. Howard got a laugh out of that. Robin said he's like a little kid trying to recite something. He had to repeat his sentence and he wasn't able to get it right. Howard said they should put education back in there based on that guy. Howard said he has that line in his basic stump speech and he still wasn't able to remember it.
Robin said that's what's funny about that whole thing. She said they have to recycle these candidates because they all fall apart. Howard said he thinks that Mitt Romney is going to be the one. He said he's just playing along with it.
Howard said they had a great story on 60 Minutes last night. They did a report about how these guys in congress go in poor and become millionaires. Robin said that was the second best report they've every done on that show. Howard said they finally answered that question on the show. They were talking about the stock deals they can make and how they seem to be exempt from the laws that stop you from doing insider deals.
Howard said the other thing is that he'd be on NBC and Grant Tinker would be rolling in his grave if that was the case. Howard spent a minute talking about that and then got back to the clips. The one clip he was playing had a bunch of reporters arguing about Howard being on the show. One of the reporters cut the other guy off because it was obvious he was a Howard Stern fan. Howard said that she had to cut him off because he's a fan. Howard said he doesn't know why anyone would spend all morning watching a show like that to get the weather. Howard said he gets his weather on his phone now.
Howard took a call from Mariann From Brooklyn who said that she was calling to congratulate him on this. She said she had it in her head that he was going to be on the show. She asked Howard if she's crazy. She said she wanted him to go and for more of America to see him. Howard said he's right here and this is the only place anyone is going to get him. Mariann said that Howard has an act and he can do this. Howard had to cut her off.
Howard said he had a bunch of people asking him to come over and judge their kids for them. He said he's like Chuck Barris from the Gong Show. He said that you'll read about him beating someone on the street for auditioning in front of him on the street.
Howard said he likes America's Got Talent because they open it up to anyone. He said that's one thing he likes about it. He said there are people who spin plates but that's not the kind of thing anyone wants to see in Las Vegas. Robin said they have a lot of tumblers and dance troupes on the show too. Howard said that a dance troupe would have to blow his mind to be in Las Vegas. He said he's going to throw everyone right out of there if he's a judge. Howard said he'd be into comedians and ventriloquists and things like that. Howard said he's not opposed to other things. He said that the Jackass guys are working on their fourth film. He said that he's not opposed to dancers but they'd have to blow his mind.
Howard said this is all fantasy though because he's not a judge on America's Got Talent. Howard said he doesn't care what the producers are going for. He said he'd go for what he wants to see. Howard said he's not into magicians that much. He said he can do those dopey tricks himself.
Howard said you have to be at the top of your game for him to pick you for that show. Howard said you have to work hard to be a success in show business. He said he's been to Cirque Du Soleil and you have to work really hard in that. He said that they're not just spinning plates. Howard said if he was a judge on one of these shows he'd be no nonsense. He said his biggest joy in life would be to discover talent and actually help someone out with their career.
Robin asked who was voted off X-Factor last week. Howard said the Stereo Hogs were voted off. He said that's the worst name for a band. He said they were the most talented but they picked the worst songs for them. Howard blamed Paula for that. Howard said that if he was a judge he'd make sure that they got good advice from him. He said he would tell them not to fuck it up. He said they have to come up to a new level on these shows.
Howard said he's filled with ideas. He said he's over there trying to think but nothing happens. Howard said a lot of people go on those shows and don't think before they get on. Howard said if you haven't been thinking about it all along it might be too late. Howard said the Stereo Hogs should have told Paula that she was fucking things up for them and told her to pick different songs.
The caller asked if Howard thinks he's an easy guy to work for. Howard said he's too easy. He said that he's a pushover and he never fires anyone. Howard asked Gary if he's easy to work for. Gary said he thinks so. He said Howard knows what he wants and they give it to him. Howard said the answer is yes on and off the air.
The caller said it doesn't sound like it's that easy to work for him. He said they have to clear the halls when he ends the show. Howard said he just wants a few seconds to rest after the show. He said he goes home after that and he's not hovering around them all day long. Howard asked Jason if he thinks he bothers him.
Howard told the caller that he's a great guy. Robin said no one was running in to defend him. Howard asked the guys if they wanted to come in and defend him. Jason came in and said that there is no pressure and Howard is great to work for. The caller asked Jason if he would quit the job if he was hard to work for. Jason said he loves this job. Howard said he's terrific and you never see any stories about him being a scumbag.
Gary said that no one has ever left the show who has been disgruntled. The caller said that everyone has. He said that Billy West, Jackie and John all left on bad terms. He said even Artie left on bad terms. Howard said he and Artie aren't at each other's throats. Howard said Jackie is back working for them. The caller said Jackie was desperate. He said that everyone leaves and Howard never talks to them again. Howard said they talk to KC all the time. Gary said they talk to everyone. Howard said he's not sure what this guy is trying to say. Robin said very few people have even left the show. Howard hung up on that guy and said he had to take a break. They quickly mentioned that Eddie Murphy had dropped out of the Academy Awards because of Brett Ratner dropping out. Howard predicted that last week. Robin said she knew that Billy Crystal would be back in too. They went to break after that.
Howard said that Bill Clinton wrote a new book and he was being interviewed and said the economy can be fixed. He said that the guy did a great job while he was president. Howard said if Obama can't figure it out then maybe he can let Bill Clinton come in and help figure it out.
Howard asked Fred more about what he thinks about the AGT thing. Fred said that he thinks Howard is above it but $15 million would be hard to turn down. Howard asked Benjy what he thinks. Benjy said that he'd wonder if it would make his life more fun or not. Howard said Daryl Hall should audition for the show. He said that he doesn't have a contract right now so he could get that big contract. Robin said that on Last Comic Standing they had a real comedian on the show and he didn't win. She said that's a problem.
Benjy said he thinks Howard can do whatever he wants on the radio show and he's not sure that he'd want to do another show like that. Howard said he thinks it might be fun to do. Benjy asked if he's going to be working a lot more days. He said he's not sure if Howard wants that.
Howard asked Gary what he thinks. Gary said that he and Jon Hein were discussing it and they think that Howard is above it and his show is more popular than AGT. Gary said Howard has said that he would like to do something like that. He said in many ways it's very easy for him. He said he doesn't have to make 5 hours of show. Gary asked if he could get along with everyone. Howard said no and they'd be the ones who have to get along with him.
Howard said if he went on that show he would tell Howie and Sharon to get in line. He said he even thinks Nick Cannon is a good host. He said that the guy obviously doesn't want to be home though. He has all of these jobs and he's never home with the kids. Robin asked how Howard would travel. Fred said they had a rumor that said that they'd move the show to New York. Gary said they were saying that Howard wouldn't be worth it in one article.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to stop being a pussy and just do the show. He told him to just take any show and they'll follow.
Howard said that this rumor was circulating and he had nothing to do with it. He said he doesn't have a deal and if he did he'd tell everyone about it.
Another caller said he saw Howard on E.T. and he thinks that he looks good. Howard said he hasn't spoken to any of those shows. The caller said that they did have him on one of those shows and he thinks that Howard looked good on it. He said there are guys half his age who don't look as good as him. JD came in and said that they use stock footage while they're talking about these stories.
Howard said he had to take another break before Daryl Hall comes in. Howard said he's going to come in and perform some songs for them. Robin wondered how he's doing with the deer. Howard said Daryl hates deer because he got Lyme disease from them. Howard said the guy wants to kill all deer. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he had Daryl Hall and his friends in the studio. Howard said Daryl hit 3 deer on his way to the show. Howard asked Daryl if he's pissed off today or something. Daryl said he's angry about his headphones right now. He said they're not working. Howard said ''Welcome to our nightmare, man.''
Howard said that Daryl still isn't in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Daryl said he really doesn't care. He said that Rolling Stone and the hall of fame are past their ''due by'' date. Howard asked Daryl if he's still living in the mountains. Daryl said he still lives on a mountain up state. Howard asked if he's gotten rid of all of the deer from his property. Daryl said that they have gotten them all out and he has no more deer on his property.
Daryl said he has Lyme disease from the deer and it affects him in the morning. He said he has a super adrenaline rush in the mornings because of it. He said he has rushes and crashes and you never get rid of that. He said you can take antibiotics to get rid of it but there are many tick related diseases. Daryl said if you have Lyme and catch it immediately you might be able to get rid of it. He said once it sets in then it can be chronic and you can't get rid of it. He said he wasn't diagnosed quickly enough. He said that he had fake temperatures and he thought he had a temperature but it was below normal. He said the deer are a bigger problem than the Deer are. He said he has a cat that catches chipmunks that have ticks so he has to pull the ticks off his cat.
Howard said this fucked his life up. Daryl said that his step kids and wife have Lyme disease too. He said you can catch it more than once too. Daryl said if you already have Lyme and get bitten again by a tick that has another form then you can get that too. Howard said he should move to the city. Daryl said he's a stubborn mother fucker.
Howard said Daryl had to move to the mountains to get away from John Oates. Daryl said John lives in the mountains too. Howard said there seems to be a kind of animosity for each other. Daryl said that's wrong. They have zero animosity. Howard said he thinks that Oates was like his Garfunkel. Daryl said that's just not the case. Daryl said John is out there kicking butt playing on his own. He said you have to watch him play to learn more about him.
Howard asked why they don't play together anymore. Daryl said that there is a resentment of being half of something. Howard said that he should be in the Hall of Fame. Daryl said he doesn't care about that. Howard said Leonard Cohen is in the hall of fame. He said there is a list of people who are in there that don't belong and others who do belong and aren't in. Howard said the Moody Blues aren't in but Iggy Pop is. Daryl said there's a whole list of people who should be in but aren't. Gary said that Eric B and Rakim are nominated this year. They're a rap group from the 80s.
Howard said Daryl has no bitterness about the rock and roll hall of fame. Daryl said he's neutral on all of that. Howard said that Daryl wrote all of the hits for Hall & Oates. Daryl said that he did write a lot of the eventual hits. Howard asked if he had Oates there as a security blanket. Daryl said that's not the way it was. Howard asked if he has had as big of a carer as a solo artist as he did with Oates. Daryl said he didn't and that's where the rub is. He said that he may have had a bit of a delay in his solo career because of that.
Howard asked why he lives on a mountain. He asked if it keeps him from people. Daryl said he brings people to his house and he has a show where they do that. Howard said it has to be pretty isolated. Daryl said there is no isolation. He said a lot of city people say that. Daryl said he does the same thing up there that people do in the city. He said he is a bit anti-social though.
Howard said Daryl got married since the last time he was on the show. Howard said he had a girlfriend for 30 years and he didn't marry her. Daryl said they ran their course. He said that they didn't break up because they didn't get married. Daryl said that people change. He said he's happily married now. He's been married for 2 years now.
Howard asked Daryl if he's a difficult man to be married to. He said he's isolated this woman in the woods. Daryl said she grew up in London and the woods so she's fine. Howard asked if she has to do chores. Daryl said not in the regular sense.
Howard asked Daryl about how he has to go on QVC to sell albums now. Daryl said he already made money in the record business so it doesn't bother him.
Howard asked how many dates he does as Hall & Oates. Daryl said they do a few a year. Howard asked if he thinks that Gary Dell'Abate looks like John. Daryl said it is kind of weird. Howard said he thinks that Fred looks kind of like Daryl and he could get an imposter group going. Fred said they should walk out as imposters and see what happens. Daryl said he thinks they should walk out and stay out there while they're at it.
Howard read about how Daryl canceled a concert due to the way Arizona was handling the immigration thing down there. Daryl said that they crossed the line. He said that he would never set foot in Arizona until they changed that.
Howard moved over to Elliot Lewis who was in playing keyboards this morning. Howard asked him if he goes up to Daryl's house. Elliot said he does and he kind of looks forward to it. He said it's a couple hour drive but they make some great music up there. He said they eat great food and drink some great wine up there too.
Howard asked if Elliot just plays for Daryl. Elliot said he does some solo stuff too but most of it is with Daryl. Howard asked Elliot if it's difficult to live in Daryl's shadow. Elliot said no. Daryl told him to watch what he says.
Howard asked Elliot about learning to play piano as a kid and things like that. Howard said he had 5 years of lessons and his teacher committed suicide. He said he really hated those lessons though. Elliot is self taught.
Howard spoke to Everett Bradley the bongo player. Howard asked where he learned to play that. He also asked if he'd getting laid from being in the band. He said he is getting all kinds of pussy. Howard asked what kind of protection he uses. He said he uses a rubber. Howard said it sounds like a lot of fun for them at these gigs. Everett said it is a good time. Howard asked if he's ever had 2 or 3 women at the same time. He said ''At least...''
Howard moved on to Paul who was on guitar. Howard asked if he gets a lot of pussy too. Paul said he has milk and cookies after the shows.
Howard said that the boys have a new album but he'd like to hear ''Kiss On My List'' first. Howard asked Daryl if he remembers writing that song. Daryl said that he does. He said he was with Sara's sister and they wrote this one pretty fast. Howard asked if he ever kissed Sara's sister. Daryl said ''no comment'' but then said he was just playing around.
The guys performed ''Kiss On My List'' after that. Howard said that was great. He asked if they ever practice. Daryl said they don't need to. They play together so much they don't have to. Daryl said that these guys have been with him a long time and he keeps them around because they work together so well. Howard asked if they ever mess up. Daryl said they're at a level where they don't make mistakes. He said they don't rehears for his TV show either.
Robin asked about the kids he's a step-father to and how old they are. Daryl told her about them. Daryl has a son of his own too and he said that sometimes fathers and sons don't get along. He said it's really not worth getting into that because it's a long story. Howard figured that his son likes deer.
Howard asked Daryl about how he used to go around and visit all of the radio stations to get his record played. Daryl said he still does that. Howard said he guesses he's right about that because he showed up there today.
Howard said the new album is called ''Laughing Down Crying'' and asked what that means. Daryl said it's like saying you laughed so hard you cried. Howard said they were going to play another song from the album today. Daryl said this one came to him while he was sitting down talking to people at dinner and it came to him that night. He said people just don't listen. He said the song is called ''Talking To Myself.''
Howard asked Daryl if he drinks honey and tea and takes care of his voice. Daryl said he used to do that growing up but his mom taught him how to sing so he doesn't blow his voice out. He said he sings from the diaphragm like you're supposed to. Howard said it must be a certain posture. Daryl said that you push from your diaphragm and it frees your throat. Daryl said it makes him sad when people lose their voice from singing the wrong way. He said it's a shame really. Howard asked if he tells people to get a vocal coach. Daryl said once you blow it out then it's too late. He said you have to catch it early.
Howard said the boys were going to perform ''Talking To Myself'' off their new album ''Laughing Down Crying.''. They went into the song a short time later.
After the song Howard gave the guys some plugs and said you can find out more about Daryl's show at LiveFromDarylsHouse.com. Daryl talked about some of the great people he's had up his house to perform. You can also go to HallAndOates.com for tour dates. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Al Michaels has stopped by to see them. They haven't seen him in years. Howard wondered when he was last in there. Robin said he has been in since the whole OJ thing.
Howard asked Al how he was doing. He said he thought Al had abandoned them. Al said that he needed a decade off. He said he's back now. Howard said sometimes you come on a show and you're great and maybe you feel like you should stop now. Al said if he lived in New York he'd probably be there ever week. Al said that he should do shows from the West coast for like 5 weeks. Howard said he does love going out there.
Al said about 4 or 5 years ago Don Rickles thought Howard hated him. He said he told Don that Howard would love him. Howard said he worships the guy. He said that he thinks Don was convinced that it was going to be a disaster. Howard said Don is like a god to him. He said he's everything he emulates when he goes on a talk show.
Al said Don was worried about Howard and about Dennis Miller. He thought Dennis wouldn't appreciate him. Howard said that Don doesn't realize how admired he is. Howard asked if that's what it's like with a lot of comedians. Al said that the other guy was Jimmy Kimmel. Al said he told Don that he was out of his mind. Now he's done all of their shows and they all love Don.
Howard said he would have died and gone to heaven if he had known that some day he'd get to sit down and talk to Don at a party at Jimmy Kimmel's house.
Howard asked Al if he ever asks himself why people want to get together with him and have dinner with him. Al said he figured that Don thought that he was someone else so he just played along with it. Al said that Don asked him to come to his house for dinner next time he was in town. Al said he lived in the same town so he'd love to have dinner with him every night. Don then told him he actually lives in Spain and he was just in town that one night.
Howard said Don was at Brad Grey's wedding and he was roasting people. Al said that Don has never been one upped and he gets in the last word every time. Howard said the guy is great.
Howard asked Al about the Paterno news story. He asked if that's a bigger story than Tiger Woods now. Al said he never thought he'd see a meltdown like Tiger Woods. Al said that he played pretty well over the weekend. He said if he wins one more major he'd be surprised. He said he players a lot of golf and it's unbelievably mental. Al said that if you're the king of the golf course there's a feeling around the whole course. He said now there are people talking behind his back and that has to play on your mind. Howard said his father might be the only guy who could smack him out of it. Al said that Tiger has built a wall around himself lately. He said he did something that he got away with for a long time and then the roof caved in.
Al told Robin and Howard they both look great. He said he listened to the Chris Martin interview the other day and Howard looks his best now. Howard said Al looks marvelous too.
Howard said Al doesn't get any side pussy now. Al said he met his wife in high school and he's only had her. Howard said that he must have had other women. Al said he met her in the 10th grade. Al said that before they got married he did have other women. Al said they were friends for a long time and then they had a big kiss and it changed everything.
Howard asked Al how old he is now. Al said that he just had a birthday and he doesn't really give his age anymore. He said you give it in decades.
Howard asked Al if he would take a lie detector test and let him ask if he's had any other women in his life since he got together with this woman. Al said that he would pass. Howard asked if he's ever been tempted. Al said you're always looking. He said he can see.
Al said that he had Lasik eye surgery and he can still see. He said he's not that happy with it though. Howard said he's thought about getting it done. Al said he's back to wearing glasses again. Howard asked if he was near sighted. Al said he was. He said that he had the surgery and he could see pretty good but then it started to diminish. He said that was 10 years ago that he had it done. He said there are some who say you can tweak it but others that say no. He said he's just going to wear the glasses again.
Al said Howard looks much better in glasses. He also told Howard that America's Got Talent isn't for him. He said he shouldn't do that. He said he could come to Sunday Night Football for a year. He said he knows Howard doesn't know anything about football. He said he could have Robin doing the sidelines. Al said they had Dennis Miller come in to do something different. He said if Howard did it then it would be great. Howard said he would get really serious about it if he did. Howard said he watched that Penn State game with the idiots in the stands saying they miss Joe Pa. Howard said that he would say that this guy is a creep and he had a jock mentality. He said that he's no better than the priests that protect each other. Howard said if he heard about something like that going on he'd walk in and punch the guy in the teeth.
Howard said none of those guys did a thing to help that kid. Howard said this guy is senile and no one wants to admit it. Howard said the guy was coaching from the stands anyway.
Al said this is what they need on Sunday night Football. He said that was fantastic. Howard asked if he thinks that Joe Paterno is senile. Al said the thing that shocks him is that they were investigating this in the 90s and nothing happened. He said a lot of people knew about it and he's not sure how it stayed under wraps so long.
Howard asked Al what he would do if he saw Chris Collinsworth in the bathroom with a young boy. Al said he'd be glad that his Lasik didn't work. Howard said he'd pull the guy off the kid and punch him out. Al said they could have said he was making stuff up. Howard said he would step in and stop it himself. Robin said there would be evidence right there. Howard said he read the greatest sentence in the world in the paper. He said that Sandusky had a view of a playground from his house. Howard said that's like beach front property for that guy.
Howard asked Al about what he thinks will be the bigger story between Penn State and Tiger Woods. Al said that this story could blow up even bigger so he's not sure. He said there's no telling what could happen now.
Howard asked Al about Hank Williams Jr. and the dumb song he had on the football games. Howard said all he had to do was keep his mouth shut and he had it made. Al said that he feels comfortable in the studio with Howard but he knows he could say something that could end his carer. He said that Hank was on that show talking to people he felt comfortable with and he let something out that he shouldn't have.
Howard said that happened with Brett Ratner. Howard said that the guy who runs the Academy Awards said that when he heard Brett on the Howard Stern show he had to let him go. Howard said all Brett really said was that he has sex with a lot of women and he makes them go to a doctor before he has sex with them without a condom. Howard said he was just being honest. He said he shouldn't have been thrown off of the Academy Awards. Al said he thought it was the use of the word ''fag'' before he was on the Stern Show that got him into trouble. Al said they get like one letter about that stuff and they call it a deluge of letters. Howard said that's what it was like at K-Rock when he was on over there. Al said that all of those calls were from Karmazin.
Howard asked Al how he got into broadcasting. Al said he loved sports and he loved Vin Skully. He said that he inspired him. Howard asked Al about how he was going to sign with NBC but he got an offer from ESPN. Al said he was with ABC for 30 years and then Monday Night Football went to cable. He said there was a guy who fired John Madden and everyone wondered what was going on. He said that in '05 he said that he should be on with his guys at NBC. He said that all of his guys should have stayed on Monday Night Football. Al said that ESPN fired everyone including Madden. He said that they wanted to go a different way. Al said that someone has to put their own stamp on a show and they have to be the boss or the big guy.
Howard said that if you have something big you should stick with it. Al said he had to go to ESPN because he wasn't able to make a deal with NBC. Howard said when Al was leaving ABC he was going to sign with ESPN but NBC offered him $3 million to stay. Al said that's not true. He said that all of his guys were going to NBC and he was trying to work out a deal. Al said he eventually thought it would be best if they let him out of his contract at ESPN. He wanted to go back and work with his people at NBC.
Howard asked why they went along with it. Al said they may have felt that it was the way to go. Al said he's not sure why they kept him anyway. He said that it turns out the guy who fired Madden didn't want him either. He was told he had to keep Al Michaels.
Howard said it must make him feel great that they have to give up the rights to things to keep him. Al said they all should have stayed together on Monday Night Football. He said that they had a lock on it when they were at ABC. Al said that would be like someone coming in and telling Gary and Robin they had to go but Howard was staying.
Howard said Al got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Howard asked if he has to pay for that. Al said they go to someone to get them to pay for it. Al said he can't just walk in and say he wants to pay for his own star.
Al told Howard that he loved the Chris Martin interview. Al said that Gwyneth is a lovely woman too. He said he kind of saw her grow up. He said that he watched the Kardashian kids grow up too. Howard asked when Kim's ass got so big. Al said he had Lasik by then so he didn't see that.
Howard asked if Al's son is with him today. Al said he is. Howard asked if his son ever saw him having sex or anything. Howard asked whose penis is bigger. Al said that's a good question.
Howard had the guys bring in Al's son Steve. Al said that his son's production company produced the Kennedy series that was rejected. Howard asked Steve if he learned sex from his father. Steve said he did see them having sex once and it scarred him for life. Steve said he is bigger than his father. Howard asked what position they were in. Steve said he just popped in and popped out. Steve said he was about 15 years old at the time. Steve said they didn't lock the door at the time. He said he just walked in and there they were.
Howard asked Steve if he's married. Steve said he is and he has two kids. Howard asked Steve if he has a sister. Steve said he does. Al said she's a mom now. Robin asked if he actually likes his dad. Steve said he does. Howard said if his father was an earner like Al then he'd kiss his balls too.
Howard asked Steve if he enjoyed his father's fame while he was growing up. Steve said it was kind of cool. He said that he had to become a ticket broker though because everyone wanted tickets. Howard said he can't compete with that either so he had to go find his own thing.
Al said Steve is great. He said that he was told by one guy that his son is the only honest guy in Hollywood. He said that meant a lot to him.
Howard asked Steve if he really thinks that he's bigger than his dad. Steve said he's sure he is. Howard said he's not bigger than his dad. Howard said his dad has about 4 inches on him.
Howard said that Steve and Al sound very similar. Steve said the only one who sounds more like his dad is Billy West.
Howard said Al is there to tell them that he's on Sunday night football now. Howard asked Al if he thinks he could coach a team. Al said you need CEO talent and he doesn't have that. Al said that a great coach has a great business sense. He said that he and Howard don't have that. Al said he wouldn't want to do that either. He said he'd be responsible for so many people.
Howard asked Al if he looks at some coaches that are just idiots and he wonders why they're there. Al said there are some people like that.
Howard asked who Al sides with in the NBA thing. Al said they're really close and they might have lost sight of the bigger picture.
Howard asked Steve how long his parents had sex that day he saw them. Steve said he only saw it for a second but it seemed like a lifetime. Howard asked if his mom was making noise. Steve said she was a little quiet. Fred played some Little Lupe audio clips while they talked about that.
Howard said he doesn't know why it's been so long between visits. Howard said either Al or Steve should come in more often. Al said he would if he was in New York more often. Howard asked Steve if he thinks he should do America's Got Talent. Steve said no. He said he should keep doing what he's doing. Howard said they're just rumors anyway. He said they mention his name right away even if he's not in there.
Howard said he would be terrific as a judge. He said he's serious about finding talent. He said he doesn't clown around when he's hired to do a job. Robin said he's watching the show anyway. Al said he'd have to go to the show, get dressed, do interviews and all of that. Al said he heard Howard complaining about getting up at 4 in the morning. He said he can't do this job.
Ralph called in and told Al he's great with Chris Collinsworth. He said he misses them on Monday nights. Howard asked Ralph if Al is the best announcer. Ralph said he doesn't know any better. He said he knows nothing about sports himself though.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Al if he thinks boomer Esiason is the biggest jerk he works with. Steve answered for him and said ''yes.'' Al said he did the best he could with him. He said that Boomer still blasts him at times and he's not sure why. Gary said he heard him doing that and he said that he won't even talk about it anymore. Howard said he doesn't get that. Al said he doesn't either. Howard asked Steve if he ever hears his dad curse. Steve said he does at home.
The caller asked Al if he saw Gary's pitch at Shea Stadium. Al said of course he did. Howard said they had the pitch on the monitors in the studio. Al said Gary was just nervous. He said that's an errant toss, that's the way he'll look at it. Howard asked Steve if that pitch or his parents making love was more disturbing. Steve said they're both about equal.
Howard asked Steve about his Kennedy story thing that got pushed off of network TV. Steve said off the record he'll say it was Caroline and Maria. Howard asked who they put pressure on. Steve said he's not sure how that all worked. He said that the show was supposed to be on the History Channel but it ended up on Reelz. He said that they put it on the air for them.
Howard asked who is worse, the Kennedy family or Boomer. Steve said they've both been a lot of fun. Al didn't want to say anything bad about anyone.
Howard gave Al some more plugs. Al told Robin that he loves her and he loves her laugh. He said she's just the greatest. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Siri ''Do you love Howard Stern?'' Howard said Walt Sabo told him to ask it that. Siri said she's never really thought about it. Howard asked again. Siri responded with ''Now that's a good question...'' Howard said this is horrible. He said that Walt Sabo should lose his email address. Howard wanted to ask the phone one more question. He asked it ''Why the fuck did Walt Sabo tell him to ask about Howard Stern?'' It didn't answer. Howard told Tim to get this thing out of his life.
Howard said a lot of people liked the Chris Martin interview last week. Howard said he performed a bunch of songs while he was in there. He played some of ''Yellow'' and ''The Scientist.'' Howard said he did ''Clocks,'' and ''Viva La Vida'' too. He played a little bit of each song.
Howard said Little Mikey and Eli Braden wrote songs about Robin after that appearance. Howard played Mikey's song and then Eli Braden's which were both to the tune of ''Yellow.'' Howard asked Robin which one was better. Robin said she'd have to hear more of Mikey's to figure it out.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they're using good pictures of Howard in the news articles. Howard said no. He said they use a shot in the NY Post that's just awful. Howard said the photo editor must hate him.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked if they should give Scott the Engineer credit for Chris Martin sounding so good. Howard said Scot said it wasn't all him. The caller said that it was an amazing interview. Howard said he was impressed they didn't have any problems. She said that Jason's laugh didn't bother her too much either. She said she thinks that Howard TV toned it down a little bit.
Howard said he didn't notice the laugh but he did see him hopping around taking pictures. The caller said she watched the interview a couple of times and it was great. She said she was crying watching it. She also told Howard not to get rid of his beard. She said she thinks it looks great. Howard asked Robin if she think that she should keep it if goes on America's Got Talent.
The woman said that Howard looks so good and her husband didn't believe her when she said that she's more attracted to Howard than she is to Chris Martin. She said her husband said that was bullshit.
Howard said he got an email from one person asking why he was being such a dick to Chris Martin. Howard said it was just the one that was like that. The rest were all positive. Howard read through a bunch of those real quick.
The caller also mentioned Benjy and his girlfriend. Howard said Benjy tweeted out during the Daryl Hall interview that Elisa makes him feel like the luckiest man in the world.
Howard asked Robin to get to her news. He said he was going to skip Jon Hein for today. Robin read about how Fat Joe is talking out about gay rappers. Robin said that Fat Joe is saying that everyone should be more open about their sexuality.
Robin read about the Rolling Stones and how one of the guys is dating a young woman and Keith Richards has been bad mouthing Mick Jagger lately. Howard said that guy must be senile. He said that he's made a living thanks to Mick and he should shut his mouth. Howard said it must have been that coconut that hit him on his head that started all of that. Fred played a bonk sound as Howard was talking about that. They went to break as short time later.
After the break, around 9:50am, Robin got back to her news and read about how Jennifer Lopez is dating a dancer. Howard said she married a dancer once before and that lasted at least a year. Robin said that she's apparently been with this guy for a couple of weeks.
Howard said they closed the entire Queensboro bridge to film the new Batman movie. Fred said he was caught in that traffic. Howard asked how they justify that. He said he hopes they paid a lot to do that. Fred said that it was prime time on a Sunday when they did it. He said it was at night. Fred said that he was just stuck and he ended up turning around and taking a sneaky way home to the Midtown tunnel. Howard said he can't believe Fred knows how to get around that good. Fred said he was desperate.
Robin read a story about Herman Cain's wife who has finally spoken out about her husband's problems. Robin had some audio of her talking about her husband being so nice and not believing that he could do any of these things he's been accused of.
Robin had a story about a Hawaiian singer who brought some Occupy Wall Street stuff to the president in Hawaii over the weekend. Robin had some audio of this guy talking about how he got this message through in his song during a performance for the President. Howard said he wanted to hit his buzzer to get that one off the stage. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the 60 Minutes segment about how congress people get to do things that regular people aren't allowed to do. Robin said that's how they come in as paupers and walk away as millionaires. Robin said that Nancy Pilosi is blasting that piece. Howard said she didn't come off very well in that piece. Robin had some details about what some people are saying about that. Howard said he thought the piece was pretty compelling.
Robin had some Penn State news and had some audio of some people talking about the Sandusky case. Howard said he doesn't know how that guy who saw Sandusky doing what he was doing can live with himself. Robin had audio of the Governor of Pennsylvania talking about what will have to be done in this investigation into what happened. Howard said he thinks that Penn State is done. He said he wouldn't go to the college. Gary said that his son is applying to colleges and if his son wanted to go there he'd advise him not to. Robin had a bunch of clips from people commenting on that story. Howard said that they have to teach the jocks to stop with the jock mentality. Howard said you come forward and don't bury the story.
Robin had some clips from Saturday Night Live where they were goofing on the whole Penn State thing. Robin said they ended up lowering the bail for this Sandusky guy and it turns out the judge sitting in the seat was a volunteer at his charity organization. Robin said that maybe he should have recused himself from this case. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Howard said he saw a story in the paper about women soaking alcohol into their tampons. He said that guys are started to take the tampons and shoving them into their assholes. Robin said that's how desperate people are to bit lit. Howard said it's a good way to get drunk in class. Robin said people are doing that in lieu of Jell-O shots. She said that Jell-O shots are kind of pleasant so she's not sure why anyone would want to do that.
Howard said when they had him signing with American Idol last year they had his salary listened as $35 million. He said he's not sure why this America's Got Talent deal is only $15 million.
Howard read about how Oprah Winfrey is going to get an honorary Oscar. He said the whole world is coming to an end when something like that happens.
Robin read about Dr. Conrad Murray's court case and what he was saying about the case. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said when he hears someone talking like that he tends not to go to them.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's going to have Stuttering John for an announcer on this game show. Howard said he's not sure why people call it a game show. He said it's not a game show. Howard said he wouldn't want Stuttering John on the show. He said he won't be in control of the show anyway. He'd just be a judge if he was on it. He's also not sure why people think he'd be cursing on the show. He said he would just judge and give his honest opinion. Howard said he would tell people they're awful if they're awful. Howard said it's his perception that he'd be reasonable. He said he'd have to see something unusual in a dance to vote a dancer through. He said they'd have to be incredible. Howard said he has never seen a dance troupe win, ever. He said no one feels connected to them. He said they had a couple of little kids that danced and it was kind of disturbing because the little girl was kind of sexualized in a skimpy outfit. Howard said he'd watch them for one or two dances but not a whole show. Howard said he'd encourage guys like Fred to audition for the show. He said Fred has talent.
Robin read about Gabrielle Giffords coming out and speaking for the first time since she was shot. Robin had some audio of her speaking in the interview. Howard said that guy ruined her life. Howard said he feels so bad for her. That guy was a fucking asshole. He asked where that guy is now.
Robin said that Heavy D died last week. Howard said he doesn't know who he is but he misses him. He said he doesn't know why. He said he looks like he was a nice gentleman. Gary said that he got yelled at in the elevator because he cracked a joke about the rap channel doing a whole morning tribute to him. Gary said they lectured him on how big of a deal he was in the rap scene.
Robin said that Lindsay Lohan has been working very hard at the morgue. Robin said that Heavy D is apparently there in the same morgue she's working at. Howard said she always ends up in the right place. Robin said that Lindsay does have some corpse contact but she will not come face to face with Heavy D.
Robin said that Justin Timberlake kept his word and went out on a date with a female Marine who asked him out. Robin had the audio of the woman calling Justin out on the date. Robin said he followed through on it too.
Robin read about Jaime Presley getting her divorce finalized. Howard said he can't believe that someone couldn't live with her. She's the one who said Howard was ''slapped a yarmulke'' on the show once. Robin read about the divorce and how they were only married for 16 months.
Robin read about the movies that were out this weekend. Robin had some audio of Robert Pattinson talking about the new Twilight movie that's coming out this month. Robin had some audio of Jason Seagal talking about the new Muppet Movie. Robin said that Jason was a big Muppet fan growing up. Howard cut that clip off pretty quick when he heard him start to talk about the Muppets.
Howard said he was out to dinner, at like 4:30 in the afternoon, and he saw on TV that they had Ellen Degeneres talking to one of the Muppets on her TV show. Howard said he hates when they do that kind of thing on talk shows. Howard said he had to interview Waylon Flowers and Maddam once and he had to talk to the puppet. Howard said he wanted to shake the guy and snap him out of it saying he was just talking to his hand.
Robin mentioned that it was national diabetes awareness day today. They mentioned that Jon Hein and Steve Brandano have diabetes and Jon and Jason will be doing a special Fast food Show tonight on Howard 101.
Robin mentioned that Joe Frazier will be laid to rest today. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:30am.
Jon said that he'd like to know what happens to Howard if he does it. He said there will be people who have never heard Howard's show and they think that he's just a dirty talking guy. Jon said that he may get a new following that he didn't have before. Gary said that's kind of what happened to Ozzy Osbourne when they did that reality show. Jon said that he's wondering how the hard core fans are going to feel about this. Gary said he thinks they'd be happy for him. Jon said you'd think so but you never know.
Gary said that a lot of people love bands until they get big. Then they think they sold out. Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Howard could just be the third judge on the panel. Gary said he would be ''The'' judge on the panel if he did it. Jon said that he might get involved in all phases of the show.
Gary said that Al Michaels pointed out that he's already watching the show so why not just do it. Gary said that Howard is watching the show on his couch in his underwear though.
Jason said he thinks Howard is way bigger than that show and he thinks he's bigger than American Idol. Jason said you never want to replace someone who was successful. He said that Howard would make it bigger than it is but you don't' want to replace someone who was a hit.
Benjy wondered what the purpose would be for him to do it. Gary said he loves the show and that's what Robin pointed out today. Jon said that they have linked Howard to the American Idol thing in the past too so maybe Howard is looking into it.
Benjy said he assumes that Howard is okay money wise. He said maybe he has a hunger for another type of acceptance though. Benjy said that maybe he is looking for that. Jason said he thinks that it would be much more up Howard's alley to develop a show. Gary said that's work though. Jason said it's work either way for Howard. He said he has too much pride to just show up. Jason said that Howard isn't going to just slide in and slide out.
Gary said that last year they were saying that Howard might be too dangerous for a show like that. Jon said that Howard has been on network TV and he knows how to play that game of knowing what to say and what not to say.
Jason said that Howard isn't too dangerous. He said Steven Tyler is a compete maniac and he's working fine on American Idol. Jon said that's the example he was going to bring up. He said that people think he's charming and Howard might get that same kind of reaction.
Gary asked Jason if it bothers him that Steven Tyler is on Idol. Jason said it does and it does/t. He said he still loves the band and their music and he's not that bothered that he's doing the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what they think about Howard trying to get into semi-retirement and now he could be going off to work another job. Gary said Howard isn't in semi-retirement. He said he's just working less days now.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if Howard could take it if the ratings dropped on that show when he went on. Gary said he's not sure. He said Howard may not see that as an option. Jon said he thinks that the ratings won't drop. He said everyone is going to watch the show if Howard goes on. He said that even if it took a dip he's not sure how Howard would handle it. Jason said that every article would be about Howard if the ratings did drop. Jon said that if the ratings took off and went up, would they give Howard credit. Jason said he only gets credit when things go bad.
The guys were wondering how many days Howard would have to work. They weren't sure but it sounded like 20-30 days of work. That's a lot for Howard. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon moved on to talk about Benjy tweeting out about Elisa during the Daryl Hall interview. Gary said that it seemed like Benjy's tone had changed about Elisa. Benjy said that he's having a great time with her every day. He said that things have been amazing. He said that the guys were picking at him about getting married and he hopes that this could be the girl that he marries. He said that they were giving him a hard time about that.
Gary asked Benjy if he thinks that he could keep this feeling up for a year. Benjy said he'd like to see if it'll last 7 days. It's been four so far. Jon said that Benjy was saying that this could be the one and he had kind of changed his tune this morning. Benjy said he's gotten a little bit smarter. Benjy also pointed out that he sent out that tweet during a commercial break. He said he felt the things he was saying were being twisted and misconstrued. He said that he wanted to tell her that publicly. Gary said he could have done it in private too though. Benjy said he knows that. He said he sincerely felt what he tweeted out.
Jon asked Gary if he sees marriage in the cards. Gary laughed and said ''no way!'' He said he doesn't see marriage in the cards with Benjy at all. Gary said he's been saying that he wants to get married for the past 10 years. Benjy said he is seriously thinking about it.
Ralph called in and said that a lot has been said about Benjy and this girl not being attracted but Stuttering John wore down that girl Karen. He said he thinks Benjy should keep at it. Gary said that they don't think he did it wrong, it just sounds like his tone has changed and it's like he's sick of her already. Jon asked if the hunt is over and he's done already. Benjy said he's just enjoying his time with her and he's trying to appreciate what he has.
Jon asked Ralph if he thinks Benjy will get married. Ralph said he has to work on himself a lot before he does that. Benjy agreed.
Gary said that he caught his parents when he was about 25 and it is very disturbing. He said it wasn't disturbing to Al until he found out about it today. Gary said he locks his door so his kids don't walk in on them.
Jon asked about how long it had been since Al was on the show. Gary said it's been about 10 years. He said Al listens to the show every day so he still feels like he belongs there. Benjy said that it seems like Al and Steve liked being there together and they seemed to have a good time on the show.
Jon said that Howard also pointed out that Steve has Al's voice. Gary said that Al is the gold standard in that field.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Howard would really be good on that show and if it's worth it for him to do it. Gary said that's up to Howard. He said they could get even more subscribers if people do like him on that show. He said it can only help what's going on there.
The caller said that Howard will end up bitching about it. He said maybe that would make the show better. He said he would watch that show for Howard too. Jon said he doesn't think Howard should do it but he would want to hear what he has to say about the behind the scenes stuff. He said that would be great.
The caller asked what happened with Howard and Billy West. Gary said Billy didn't have an issue with Howard and it was more about management than it was with Howard. He said he's not sure why he won't do the show though.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Jon if he thinks that Chris Collinsworth is bad at his job. Jon said that he is very biased against the Steelers and he can hear that. Jon and Gary talked about that for a minute before going to another break.
Jon and Gary talked about some of the stuff Daryl talked about during the interview like the whole Hall & Oates thing and how Gary looks like John Oates. Gary said Daryl told him that they have the same smile but he knows he was talking about their teeth.
Jon took a call from a guy who had another call come through in the middle of his call so he got distracted. Jon let him go and the next caller got a little distracted too. The caller asked what they thought of the band Chicago and why they're not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The caller said that they think the same thing about it as Daryl Hall does. Gary said he was shocked that Chicago wasn't in the hall of fame. Gary said they had six innovative albums but then they did some stuff that was just bad. Gary said he thinks that songs like ''You're The Inspiration'' did them in for the hall of fame.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that if Howard went on that show it could blow up bigger than Idol and it could make people see that he really is the King of All Media. Gary said that some people might think that he's gotten too big and it could work against him too.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if it's time for Daryl Hall to put his music in a coffin. Gary didn't think so. The guy made some kissing sounds like he was kissing his ass or something.
Another caller said that he wants them to do live shows on Thursday and Friday. He said he thinks the fans would love that. He said he's not sure why Gary and Jon don't do it. Gary asked what they should talk about for those four hours. The caller said that it would feel like listening to the Stern Show but continued on Thursday and Friday. They had to end the show at about 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about the big day they had coming up. They have Chaz Bono coming in. Howard said he will call him ''him'' unlike his mom. Howard said he doesn't care. Howard said if the guy wants to be called ''him'' then he'll do it. Robin said that Cher had a problem with it and kept calling him ''her.''
Howard said that people get upset over the dumbest things. If someone wants to be called a man then just call him a man. He said it's not worth the time to get upset over it.
Howard said he was reading an article in the L.A. Times and NY Post about this Parents Television Council being against him going on America's Got Talent. Howard said they're those people who care too much about nothing. Howard said it didn't take long before they got involved. Howard said Al Michaels pointed out that 3 letters becomes an ''avalanche'' of letters.
Howard read about the PTC getting involved in this whole thing. Howard said they're against him being on America's Got Talent and they're instructing NBC not to consider him. Howard read that the PTC are going to make sure they are alienated from tens of millions of advertising dollars.
Howard said he's not even with America's Got Talent and they're already commenting. Howard said they're a phony group anyway. Robin said it's just letterhead.
Howard read some more details about how he was fired from NBC years ago and how they claimed they fired him because he was disgusting. Howard said they just don't have to tune in. Fuck you. Howard said he likes that Sharon Osbourne is on the show and she has the filthiest mouth in the world. Howard said she knows not to curse on the air. Howard said he can do the same thing.
Howard said it would be great if they hired him and Larry Flynt and Jerry Sandusky to judge the show. That would get people in an uproar. Howard said that maybe Casey Anthony could be a judge. Robin said it could be Jerry, Casey and Howard. Howard said maybe Brett Ratner should be in there too. Howard said this guy started the PTC in his basement. There are like 3 people in the group.
Howard said they went through the story about Rikki Lake and how she was raped in her home when she was younger. He said they went through the story about J.R. getting burned over 40 percent of his body and the rough time he's had. Then they go over Hope and her tough story. Then they get to Rob Kardashian and all his story had was his dad dying. Howard said the kid doesn't know what to do with his life now. Howard said his dad is the guy who tried defending OJ Simpson. Howard said they left that out of the story about Rob.
Howard said they left out that Robert Kardashian got back on the bar even after what he did with OJ. Howard said OJ would probably do a video from prison and talk about what a great kid he is. Howard said he turned out to be a good dancer though. Howard said the kid claims he's grown a bit by doing this dancing thing. Robin said it's his first challenge in his life. Howard said he gets the feeling that it is the first time he's worked hard. He said he figured he fucked off before this.
Howard said he'd love to see them put the sisters on Survivor and see if they could survive. Howard said he would love to see that. He said learning to work is a good thing. He said it would be a good lesson for them. Howard said on Survivor they'd have to eat Kim's ass to survive.
Howard said the guy who shaved his head is a big fan of the show. He said Ralph had him on GEEKTIME. Robin mentioned that Darius Rucker was on Talking Dead. Howard said that's the guy from Hootie and the Blowfish. Robin said she's talking about the guy who plays Merle on the show.
Howard said he's watching Dexter now. He said he's only on the first season though. Robin said this new season is great. She said he has a lot to get through before he gets there. Robin said it was actually Michael Rucker that she was talking about on Talking Dead.
Howard said Dexter is great too. Robin said he has to start watching Homeland too. Howard said he heard that was good. Howard said he watched ''Being Human'' and that went away. Howard said he heard Robin talking about a new show. Robin said that she's watching American Horror but she knows Howard wouldn't like that one. Howard said she's right.
Howard said he watches all of this stuff on his iPad. He said he got the new iPhone 4S from Beezid. Howard said he was playing with that Siri thing. He said that it's supposedly much faster than the 4. He said he's not even sure what that means. He said that it apparently processes things faster. Howard said he switched over to the new phone and it's so annoying. He said the voice activated thing is really annoying. He said he would tell it to make an appointment to test it out. He said he was told to just speak in his normal voice. He said he told it to set an appointment with Robin at 4 o'clock. He said it just put an appointment in there and didn't say it was with Robin. He said it's complete bullshit.
Howard said his mom laughs at everything his dad says. He said it's like she's his sidekick. He said he can't imagine what it must be like in the bedroom. Howard said he knows his mother hates sex too. He said that she has said that if it was up to her she would be celibate. Robin said she's denied that she's ever said that. Howard said that's bullshit.
Howard said his mother is into Transcendental Meditation and she wanted him to become a Parusha, or teacher for TM. He said she'll talk about it if you ask her about it. Howard said his mother thinks that he's some kind of saint and she really has no idea who he is. Howard said if you listen to the show you know there's something wrong with him. Howard said his mother will talk about how she raised him to be this great person and she thinks that's who he is. Howard said if you talk to her about sex she'd say that she wanted him to be a Parusha. Howard said she told him the right path and he chose this other thing. Howard said he doesn't want that life.
Howard said he told his mom that maybe she should have gotten into the teaching thing. Howard did his mother's voice through all of this. He had her talking about why she didn't become a mother divine.
Howard said he would go through his parents drawers and he remembers finding a vibrator that you strap to your hand. He said his mother claimed that she had a back problem that she used it for. Howard said he can't imagine that she used it for masturbation. Howard said he thinks that she really used it for her back. He said he found it when he was in high school. He said if he touched that to his penis he'd explode. Howard said he was waiting for them to leave the house so he could play with that thing. Howard said he knew exactly where to put it so no one would know he had discovered it. Howard said he discovered the vibrator and plugged it into the wall so he could use it. Howard said it looked like RoboCop because it was so heavy. It was like putting a Sybian on your hand.
Howard said he would touch the tip of his penis with that thing and he would cum in a few seconds. Howard said hew as blowing loads all over the place. Howard said he would get paranoid and wrap the cord around the thing and place it back in the drawer when he was done. Howard said 10 minutes later he would want to go get it again.
Howard said they had a candle in their drawer too and he thinks they used that for sex. Howard said that whole vibrator thing was great. He said he'd use it on himself right now if he could. He said your whole hand vibrates when you put it on. He said he thinks his mom used it for her back though. Howard said when she got that it was the greatest day of his life. He said he thinks he got to use it for a few years before he went off to college.
Robin was saying that people are threatening to sue Penn State over this whole thing. Robin said that the Sandusky thing was interesting. She asked if Howard had tape of it. Howard said he did. He played some of the audio of Bob Costas doing the interview. Sandusky claims that he's innocent of the charges. Costas asked if he's 100 percent innocent. Sandusky claims that he has horsed around and hugged the kids without intent of sexual contact.
Howard said he's pretty gullible but he's not buying this horse shit. Howard played more of the interview and Costas was asking what the guy was doing the night they claim he was raping a young boy. Sandusky says they were just horsing around. He said he was not having sexual contact. Robin asked why he would be in the shower horsing around if it wasn't something sexual.
Costas asked Sandusky about another time that he was accused of possibly touching a young boy with his genitals. Sandusky said that he can't remember exactly what he said back then. Costas said that a Janitor saw him having sex with a young boy in the showers too. Sandusky denied that too. Costas asked how someone could think they saw something like that if it didn't occur and why would they say they saw it if they didn't. Sandusky said that he'd have to ask them. Howard said they have asked them. They claim they saw it.
Costas asked Sandusky what he wishes he hadn't done. Sandusky said he wished he hadn't showered with those kids. He said that was it. Costas asked if he was a pedophile or if he was attracted to underage boys. He said he's not sexually attracted but he loves to be around kids. He said he is not sexually attracted to young boys. Howard said it sounds like everything is cleared up so lets get back to football.
Robin said he was banned from the showers at Penn State. She said he was so notorious for this that he was banned. Robin said he continued to shower with boys even after he was found showering with boys.
Howard said when he was a boy no one taught him how to shower properly. He said his mom tried to show him once. He said his mom used to take his anal temperature until he was 15. He said she had to strip him down. He said that was the fun part. Howard said his mom had to show him to wash his feet because they were always dirty. He said maybe he needed a Jerry Sandusky to show him how to do it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk about the America's Got Talent thing but he wanted to thank him for not holding back on the Jerry Sandusky thing. Howard said all of these guys are a bunch of lunatics and they don't deserve a job. Robin said they stripped Joe Paterno's name off of their trophy. Howard said that's good.
Howard said if someone came up to him and said that Fred was fucking a little boy then he'd go to the police after throwing Fred out of there. Robin said she had some friends who were accused of this and then they called her saying that she knows them. Robin said she said she does not know them or what they might do. She said both of them went to jail. Howard said he remembers those guys.
Howard said he's interested in doing his show and Howard TV right now. That's it. He said he would be a great judge on America's Got Talent but it doesn't matter if he never does it. Howard said he could have him, Gaddafi's son and maybe someone else as a judge on that show. He said maybe Dick Cheney. He said Sandusky could replace Nick Cannon.
Robin said that Michael Jackson said the something about young kids that Sandusky said. He loved being around young children. Howard said you need a hot chick on the show so that's where Casey Anthony would come in. He said he loves America's Got Talent already and that's why he'd be good on it. Howard said Beth hates the show. She goes right to sleep when it's on. Howard said he's obsessed with it though.
Howard said he can imagine Casey Anthony not liking a contestant and telling them to drown them. Howard said maybe Charles Manson or someone like that would be a good judge on the show. The caller said maybe Joe Paterno. Howard said maybe Robert Blake. Robin said OJ and Robert Blake would be good. Howard said maybe Tanya Harding, Robert Blake and him would work.
Howard said he would like to be a judge on the show and he thinks he has something to add to it. Howard said he's taken people with zero ability and turned them into stars. Just look at Ronnie the Limo Driver. Howard said he thinks that he could have a good time doing that show too.
Howard said he would like to be on a show that he doesn't have to be in charge of. He said the only reason he's going to do it is just to see what it's like. He said he would do it for one season and see how it goes. Howard said he is getting older and he wants to have more time to himself. He said if something comes along that intrigues him then he'll try it out. Howard said whatever he does would have to grab him.
The caller said that he doesn't want to see Howard turned into a dancing panda. Howard said he doesn't let anything like that happen. He said he knows what he's doing. Howard said if he did something like this it would be fun to watch. He said he could do Network TV and see what it's like. He said he could talk about what goes on and fill everyone in. He said he knows he'd complain about it 2 seconds later.
Howard said he's not announcing that he's on the show but his name keeps coming up when these shows need a new host. Howard said he is the King of All Media and that's why he keeps coming up.
Robin said that the judges come and go and no one really cares. The caller thanked Howard for taking his call and he knows that Howard will make the right choice. Howard told him to trust in him that he'll make the right choices.
Robin said she likes that he thinks that they could turn him into a dancing monkey. Howard said maybe he wants to be a dancing monkey. He said he had to take a break. Beth is going to come in and talk about why he didn't go to bed until 11:15 last night. He said they have a lot to talk to her about.
Howard came back and played a clip of Howie Mandel talking about what an asset to the show it would be if Howard Stern joined America's Got Talent. Howie told him to take the deal.
Howard said he saw that Sandusky's lawyer impregnated a young girl. He said this whole thing is pretty wild. Robin said they should rule out this entire crowed.
Howard had Jon Leiberman come in with his news preview. Jon said they have a story about Scott DePace's video caddy company has sold out of the product and they'll be shutting down. Robin asked if that's really news. Howard said you don't see it in the NY Times.
Jon said they also say that Scott was working on his personal web site during the show. Scott said this is an old story and they already talked about it. Howard said that's a pretty big story. Scott said he would only do it during the commercial breaks. Howard asked if he's showering with young boys. Scott played along and jokingly said he doesn't do it as a sexual thing.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks about Scott doing that. Robin asked if he's still doing it. Scott said he hasn't worked on it for over a year and a half. He said that they're out of product to sell now anyway. Howard said that sounds like he's out of business. Scott pointed out that Jason is on Twitter during the show. Jason said he does not Tweet during the show. He said he's giving the news full access to his Twitter account to check into that.
Jon said that Jason also uses interns to get coffee for him. Howard said he's fine with that. He said Jason is very busy. Scott said he has time to get a cup of coffee. Howard said he doesn't want Jason leaving his station. Jason came in and said that he only asks them to get coffee if they're getting coffee for Fred or Benjy.
Howard asked what's wrong with that. Scott said Jason isn't doing anything that important. Howard said he is very important. Jason said that he's obsessed with him. The two of them are going back and forth throwing each other under the bus.
The guys pointed out that Scott was the one who was spying on Howard's board to see who is on the phone. Scott said he did it this morning to see if something was wrong with the board. Howard said he has a lot of people coming in so he can't go through this.
Jon said they have a story about Ronnie going to the red carpet out in Los Angeles. FOX asked him not to do a couple of appearances for Playboy since they flew him out there. Howard said they're trying to control his image? Jon said that Playboy asked Ronnie to do two appearances and FOX asked him not to do them. Howard said they're going to ruin him by doing that.
Jon said that Ronnie was on the set of NCIS Los Angeles. He said that they also have a story about Tabitha Stevens doing some web cam shows to benefit Raven Alexis.
Howard said it's weird to see Beth in this environment. He said that Beth went out to a movie last night. She said she saw ''Another Fine day'' and it was great. She said she took her mom to the movie. Howard said went to dinner with them and had some lentil bean soup. He said this is important for the story.
Howard said he was watching Dancing with the Stars and he was alone doing it. Howard said he thought it was idiotic to be watching the show to begin with. He said he forwards through a lot of the stuff he doesn't care about though. Howard said he thinks Nicole Scherzinger is horrible to listen to but great to look at. He said he thinks there's something wrong with Paula Abdul on X-Factor. He said that she broke down saying she can't do this. He said she should quit the show if that's what it's like.
Howard said he tried to go to bed at 9:30 last night. He said he wasn't able to sleep because he had so much on his mind. He turned on Dancing with the Stars again. Then the bean soup started to work on him. He said he was farting every second. Howard said he doesn't fart in front of Beth most of the time. He said he's trying to keep romance alive. Howard said Beth never farts or shits.
Howard said he was laying there thinking he had to make doody but he didn't have to do it. Beth said he doesn't talk about this in front of her. Beth said the room was so cold last night. Howard said he had it down to 68 degrees and it was like he was farting in a refrigerator.
Howard said he wanted to let everything air out. He said around 10:15 or so he was still watching Dancing with the Stars. Beth asked what he was still doing awake. Howard said she looks great today. Beth said she feels horrible. She said she feels like a sausage stuffed in jeans. Howard said he loves that about her. Howard said she looks great and she thinks she looks gross. Beth said she almost didn't come in today because she feels so gross. Howard said this is why he knows she's on top of her game. Howard said she's lie him and feels horrible about herself. Beth said she's fat.
Howard said Beth came in last night and he wasn't sure he got all of the smell out. Beth said that Howard ran out of the bed and she heard him fart. She said she didn't say anything but she did hear it. She said that he ran out of the bed a second time so she asked what he was doing. Howard told her he had gas. Beth said that it's fine to just fart under the covers.
Beth said she got up while Howard was sleeping and she lifted the covers and the smell was vile. She said they must have been silent but deadly. Howard said he's so ashamed. He said he's going to kill himself after the show. Beth said she didn't tell him this morning. She said it smelled like something was dead under the covers. She said she won't let him eat bean soup again.
Howard said that what he really does is go into the closet and he bends over and spreads his cheeks as wide as he can so they're quiet farts. He said they just come out as a whooshing sound. Howard said even then they can be noisy. Howard said she hears them every time.
Howard said when they went to the restaurant they had a whole discussion about going to the movie premiere about what she was going to say about America's Got Talent. Beth said not one person asked her about it. She said no one cared. Beth said they didn't have a whole press line there. Howard said he should have gone since he was up anyway.
Beth asked if he's going to do America's Got Talent. Howard said he's going to make a statement now. He said he has nothing to report. He said he doesn't talk about negotiations anyway so he wouldn't say anything even if he was trying to make a deal.
Howard said if the rumors are true, how does Beth think it would affect the marriage. Beth said they actually did have this conversation. Beth said that he's taking her feelings into consideration. Howard said if she says that it's something he shouldn't do then he won't do it. Beth said that she's concerned about the time commitment. She said the schedule they gave them was a concern... if there was a schedule that they gave them. She said that Howard is a monster at 4am and if he had to do the show and then work again in the same day she's concerned for her and for him. Beth said it's awful to be around him when he's tired and miserable. Robin said everyone should be in on this then. She said it will affect everyone.
Howard said Fred thinks that it's beneath him to do the show. Fred said that Piers Morgan left the show and no one cared. Howard said it's the number one show on NBC.
Howard said they did another animal rescue. Howard said that this isn't just a cat or a dog. This is wildlife. Howard said they got a call asking them to go rescue a gull that was injured. Beth is a volunteer so she's always on call. Beth said that the bird had some fishing wire tangled around it. She said the bird was a mess. She said that his leg was swollen and he wasn't able to eat. Beth said that the bird was huge and it was really windy. She said that she was nervous about how big the bird was. Howard said they have a picture of him that Beth Tweeted out. Beth said they cut all of the fishing wire and saved it.
Howard said Beth threw a blanket over the bird and those things bite. Howard said she didn't even bother to get him because she knows he's not going to be a help. He said this whole thing is crazy and he can't even begin to tell her what that's like. Beth said she had her friend Mike with her and they put it in the car and she scooped it up into her arms. She said she didn't cut any holes on the lid of the container she put it in. She said the bird was fighting so hard. She said she has bruises on her hands from it. Beth said the bird is doing great and they says he's on the road to recovery. She said she hopes to be able to release him soon.
Howard said Beth is there to make a plea. Howard said they have adopted 3 cats and they love them. Howard said Beth convinced him to get them. He said they have Leon, Apple and Walter. He said that Beth suggested that he photograph her with some of the animals at the North Shore Animal League and they put them in a calendar. Howard said they ask that people donate $20 and they give the money to the animal league.
Beth said they have one cat in the calendar that's still available. She said that she's got the greatest personality. Beth said she's an adult and people just don't want adult cats. She said that she spends a lot of time with her at the Animal League.
Howard said they find these animals and wonder how people can give them up the way they do. Howard said it drives him crazy that people can have a pet and just give up on it. Howard said he loves this Walter cat. He said he follows him around like a dog. Howard said he lays on the computer all day long. He said this guy would have been rotting in a cage if they didn't save him. Howard said it's great that the Animal League will save them and not kill them. He said that he wants people to adopt these pets because he doesn't want Beth bringing them home.
Beth said that Susie is just about on her way home. Howard said this cat is beautiful. Beth showed Robin the picture of Susie. Howard said she's beautiful. Howard said she's not even air brushed. Howard said she's all natural.
Howard said you can buy the calendar at AnimalLeague.org. Howard said the cat they have, Leon, is a big cat. He's 19 pounds. Howard said he was in a little cage and no one was adopting him. Howard said he's the greatest cat though. He said he survived a tornado and he'd still be there if they didn't take him in. Howard said he's Mr. February in the calendar now. Howard said you can get your own cat from the shelter if you want one. Robin said the cats are so great. Howard said if you want Beth's calendar then go to that web site and buy one.
Beth is also working on the Mom Cave show sand they picked that up for another season. Beth said that they're looking for more women to be involved in that. Howard said this sounds like a great thing to him. They rebuild the whole room with the woman and Beth yentas it up with the person they're building for. Beth said they want to keep it within an hour of New York. She said they also like them to have kids too.
Howard said that he thinks they got to everything. He gave her all of the plugs and then took a call from Wheels who asked Beth to answer a question for him about football. She didn't want to be involved. She played along with it anyway. Wheels asked some questions and Howard had some answers. Beth didn't know some of the answers either though. Howard said they both failed on some. Wheels asked how many times you're allowed to kick on sides during a game. Howard knew the answer and Wheels said that he's doing great.
Wheels asked Beth about what she's going to do when Howard dies, a long time before her, and if she wants to open a shelter or find someone to stay out late. She said she doesn't like staying out late.
Howard said he made love to Beth twice this weekend. He also made a love video for her. He said he organized the pictures of them into a slide show and read romantic things to her in the video. Howard said it melted her heart and that got him laid twice. Beth said he sent it after that. She said that he was hiding before she opened it and then she watched her as she was watching. Howard said she was giggling and it was meant to be serious. Howard said he was upstairs and he heard the music playing from the video. Howard said he ran downstairs to watch her watching it. Robin said he sent the email and waited for her to get it and open it. Howard said that might be what he did.
Beth said that he should have saved it for Valentine's Day. Howard said that's the side of America's Got Talent's new judge that people don't see. Beth said that people would fall in love with Howard if they saw him on that show.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she ordered a calendar. She said that she also doesn't think she looks like a sausage. She started to sing to Howard and Howard let her stay on for a few seconds screeching at the top of her lungs.
Howard said they're having a lot of fun with the America's Got talent thing. He said there is nothing to announce though. He said if he was approached he wouldn't discuss it anyway. He said if he was going to do it he'd let people know.
Howard said never mind that show, you have to save the cats. He said you have to check out this calendar. He said it's heartbreaking that people just throw away their pets. Robin said not all of them are thrown away. Beth said they have one animal whose owner died and it's heart wrenching. She said that they're with a family for 10 years and then they end up in a shelter.
Howard said he put in a lot of time with this calendar. Howard said they did a whole thing for each month. He said he's a perfectionist when it comes to that stuff. Howard gave another plug and then started to wrap up with Beth.
Howard asked Beth what her plan is with her mom today. She said they're going to see War Horse the play. Robin said it's worth seeing. Howard said he's not going to see it.
Howard asked if he can fart until 11 or so tonight. Beth told him not to eat that soup. Howard said he will never eat it again. She said that she wonders if the soup smell is still in his hair. She said his hair catches all kinds of smells. Howard said he loves Beth. She said she heard that Howard has Chaz coming in. She said she enjoyed watching him on Dancing with the Stars. She stopped watching after he got voted off.
Howard said he told Beth's mom what he was going to be doing last night and she sounded jealous. Howard told Beth not to fall in love with Chaz out there. Beth said she won't do that. Howard said he was reading about Chaz and he's a womanizer. Howard said that he takes testosterone and he even says that women are annoying with how much they talk. He said Chaz gets it now that he's a dude.
Beth told Howard he looks good but he told her to only look at him from the right side. Howard said she's looking at his bad side. Robin said she's complimenting him so just take it. Howard said he wishes he could get everyone to just look at him from the right.
Howard said he has to take a break and get to Chaz. Howard said they have to get into his whole situation. Howard said he'll help him out with some ideas for what he can do now that he's done with Dancing with the Stars. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and introduced Chaz Bono. Howard said that ''she'' was there so Robin corrected him on that. Howard said he screwed up. Howard said he feels like he knows Chaz. He said he's seen him so much on TV that he feels he knows him. Robin said that they watched him grow up. Chaz notice that Robin was in a booth. Robin said that they believe in segregation there.
Howard said that not many people get to experience life with estrogen and testosterone. Howard said Chaz has realized how yappy women are. Chaz said that things used to roll of his back a lot easier in the past. Chaz said he used to be able to tolerate things much better than he can now. He said that things don't roll off his back so easy. He said that he talks to his girlfriend and has to ask if she's going to stop talking.
Howard asked Chaz if he met Beth out there. He said he did. Howard said he told Beth that he's gassy and he wonders if he can just blast one out. Chaz said he went to the bathroom during a show once and the guy next to him was farting so loud that he started laughing. He said that this guy had no problem doing it in there. He said a woman would be much more subtle. Robin said women would wait to be home to make those noises.
Howard said he was disgusted with Dr. Keith Ablow during the whole Dancing with the Stars thing. Howard said when he came out he figured that he was an educated guy. Howard said Ablow was offending him. He said he became Chaz's biggest defender during that. Howard asked if Chaz got any death threats. Chaz said he did get them through Twitter. He said he didn't expect that. He said that he did get some positive feedback through and he never expected that either.
Howard said Chaz wasn't the greatest dancer but he was put through because people felt something for him. Chaz said he hoped he wouldn't get voted off the first week and he didn't expect to stick around forever. He said he was thrilled that he was on as long as he was. Chaz said he was overwhelmed by the response he got from people.
Howard said that Chaz claims that his relationship got better with his mom after that. Howard said he was saddened by that. He asked if that's what it takes to get love from Cher. Chaz said that she can relate to show business so that's why she was happy for him. Chaz said they could bond over that on a certain level because it's a common experience.
Howard asked if Cher gave him advice. Chaz said he didn't get advice from her but she did send over some physical therapists to help him when he injured himself early on. He said that helped get her through the show.
Howard asked Chaz about what it was like being Sonny and Cher's kid. Howard asked if he saw the Joan Rivers documentary. Chaz hadn't seen it. Howard said that Melissa talks about how tough it was growing up as Joan's kid. Howard said he should see it. Howard asked Chaz if he felt abandoned as a kid with parents in show business. He said he didn't feel abandoned. He felt that he should stay out of their way though. Chaz said that the time he spent with his dad was the most normal. Howard said Sonny was also more accepting of his sexuality.
Chaz said that his dad told him that he didn't have a problem with gay marriage but he did vote against it. He came out and co-sponsored a bill that wasn't what he believed in. He said that he had to follow party lines to keep his job though. Chaz said that he and his dad were not confrontational people so they didn't have it out over that. They just didn't talk and then he passed away. Howard asked if he was upset about that or was it okay because he was angry over it. Chaz said he wished he had handled it differently. Howard asked if he went to the funeral. Chaz said of course he did. He said that both of them did a stupid thing. He said they should have just talked.
Howard asked if Chaz was shocked seeing his mom carrying on at the funeral. Chaz said that he was the one who told his mom that he had died. He said he got the call from Mary and he had to let his mom know. He said he had to call her in England. Chaz said that he wanted to tell his mom himself and his aunt told him that she was really going to be upset. Chaz said that his mom broke down when he told her. He said that showed that they really did mean a lot to each other. He said it really hit him then.
Chaz told Howard that neither of his parents ever spoke a bad word about the other when he was growing up. She said that was a good thing. Howard said that maybe it's good to hear that once in a while. Chaz said that her dad was a great guy but also a complicated guy. He said he was very controlling with his wives. Howard said he thinks of him like a hippie and not a strict republican.
Howard said he's thinking about Cher as Chaz's mother. Howard said she left Sonny and suddenly Cher is experiencing her first childhood. She's free and she must have just figured she could go out and meet men and date. Howard asked if it was a shock to see her out showing her ass and things like that. He asked how weird that was for Chaz. Chaz said he remembers feeling weird when she'd come to school because she didn't look like the other mothers. He said she has her look and style and it wasn't anything like the other moms.
Howard asked if he thinks that a mom has to put said her personal look and maybe dress like the other moms. Chaz said she didn't dress like that. It was just more stylish than other moms. Chaz said he just wanted to be like the other kids and that was hard.
Howard asked Chaz about Cher marrying the bagel guy and some of the other guys like Greg Allman. Howard asked what it was like having those people around. Chaz said it really wasn't that bad. He said that his mom was a serial monogamous person. He said she'd have a boyfriend for a few years and then she'd get another one. He said he had some great guys around him growing up. He said he had Gene Simmons around him for a while. Howard said that is not a good influence. Chaz said that Gene was great with her and her brother. Chaz said he was a huge KISS fan before that so it was great.
Howard asked if Gene charged her for all of the KISS merchandise. Chaz said he actually gave it to him for free. He said that Gene was very generous with him.
Howard asked Chaz about being in a band and writing his own music. Chaz said that the whole Grunge thing was just starting so their album didn't do that well. He said it would have been a nightmare to be a girl in a band anyway.
Howard said he's had Elijah Blue on the show. Chaz said that he's a weird guy. He said that Elijah will come to him when he needs something. He said that he's still dependant on their mom for support. Chaz said it's a hard way to grow up and it's growing up in a reality that's not reality. Howard said that maybe he should go out and do something different like become a teacher. Chaz said he'd like to see him happy and thriving. That's what he wants for him. Howard said this kid has fucked everyone. He asked if Chaz has penis envy over that. Chaz said that he kind of does. He wondered if the girls actually talk to him. He said that Elijah is just way out there but he's incredibly smart in an impractical way.
Howard asked if Greg Allman is involved at all. Chaz said he doesn't think so to a big degree. Chaz said that he doesn't hate Greg though. Howard asked if Cher has horrible taste in men. Chaz said no because she's had some great men in her life.
Chaz told Howard about going out with Greg one night and he got so high he didn't know how to get home. Then some guy showed them the way and they stopped at a bar on the way home. They spent a couple of hours there and Chaz was just a little kid at the time.
Howard asked if Chaz's mom really knows him. Chaz said she doesn't know him as well as some other people. Chaz said that the transition was very hard on her but she's become more comfortable with that over time.
Howard said he thinks about Cher on the battleship with her ass showing and he wondered what Chastity was thinking at the time. Howard said he was on TV as Fartman so he wonders what his kids were thinking too. He said it is a learning experience. Howard said he's not putting Cher down but he think about how difficult it must have been for Chaz.
Chaz said it's a tough thing to grow up with when your parents are in the entertainment industry. He said he wanted to carve out his own niche and he hoped that people would some day see him for more than just being their kid.
Howard asked if he had any fun growing up. Chaz said he felt something was wrong with her from as far back as he has memory. Howard asked how early he came out of the closet. Chaz said that he was pretty much the only one who did but it was in high school. Howard asked if he got tons of chicks in high school. Chaz said he did get the bi-curious girls. Howard asked if he was a seducer. Chaz said he kind of flies under the radar. Howard said he must work the room slowly.
Howard asked if he ever tried to bang Jennifer Aniston. Chaz said no. They were very close but he never tried to get her. Chaz said he fell hard for a girl in high school and that took the focus back then. Howard said that the girls must have come on to him because they knew he was gay. Howard asked if some of the girls wanted to experiment. Chaz said that's where he fit in back then. He said that it was harder for him because in high school he wasn't with anyone who was gay. He said that most of the women he was with are with men now. Howard asked if he had any famous women. Chaz said no.
Howard said that Chaz's girlfriend is very feminine and super hot. Howard said she's super femme. Howard said she sticks by Chaz through all of this. Chaz said that she's bi. Howard said she claims that she likes Chaz better as a man than as a woman. Howard said he can't figure this out. He said he's really confused.
Howard asked Chaz if he's ever been with a guy. He said he was once. He was 17 at the time and it was really nothing to her. He said he just wanted to do it so he could say he did it. Chaz said it was a friend of a friend and he knew him so it was something he could just do. Howard said he would have done it for her too but maybe not if she was only 17. Chaz said they went to the movies and then went back home and did it.
Howard asked Chaz if he was able to get wet. Chaz said he can't remember. Howard asked if it was painful. He said it might have been. Howard said he can't believe that. He wondered if that guy ever came forward. Chaz said he didn't. He said that this just wasn't for him. He said sex is sex and it feels good but it felt wrong to him.
Howard asked Chaz about the operation he had and said he felt happy for him when he had it done. Howard said now they talk about getting a penis. Howard said they are nowhere near this operation and there's no way he's letting him do this. Chaz said there are two different surgeries and the one he would do is use what you have, the clitoris, because it's bigger than it used to be thanks to the testosterone. Howard asked if it's a couple of inches long now. Chaz said it is. Chaz showed Howard this thing called a soft pack that he uses. It's a cock that gives you a nice bulge. Howard said he knows some transgender people, but the other way around, male to female. Howard said that these people can't stand seeing their penis and he's wondering if Chaz can't stand seeing his vagina. Chaz said it's not that bad. He said seeing a penis is probably worse than having a vagina because you see it outside your body.
Howard said that Chaz has a 2 or 3 inch clit and he wonders if he can fuck women with that. Chaz said he didn't say that. Howard said his penis is about that size and he can still fuck women.
Howard said Chaz is considering staying the way he is now with the 2 or 3 inch clit. Chaz said that it does get hard but you can't penetrate with it. He said that what he will probably do is go to Belgrade to get an operation. He said that they do this procedure where they take the clitoris and make it bigger. They take a graft from your cheek and lengthen it with a urethra and testicular implants. He said it works and you can pee standing up. Howard said he's a guy who pees sitting down. He said he's so small that he has to sit down to pee. Howard said Chaz is more proud of what he has down below than he is.
Chaz said he got stopped in airport security with that penis thing. He said he did a lot to get it to Howard.
Howard asked Chaz if he uses a strap on to simulate a penis. He said he has used them but it's not satisfying. Howard said life is not easy. Chaz laughed and said it's not...
Howard asked Chaz how long he's been financially independent. He said that it's been since about 1996 or 1997. Howard said that's what he's trying to get Elijah to do. Chaz said before he transitioned he was in horrible financial shape. He said he hated going to his mom for help. Howard said that his mom must be worth a lot and that would be his full time job kissing her ass all day long.
Howard asked if Chaz knew Ron Zimmerman. Chaz said of course he did. Howard said that Ron is their friend and it was shocking to see that he was dating Cher. Chaz said they're on again off again.
Howard said that Chaz has a new season of Being Chaz coming up on the OWN network. Chaz said it's been fun doing the show. He said it's hard though. He said that he and Jen have been going through a lot of stuff and you see it come out on this show. Howard said Jen started drinking heavily through the whole transition thing. Chaz said that's true. He said the hard part has been riding that with Jen. He said that Jen has been abstaining from alcohol but he didn't go as far as to say she's sober.
Howard asked Chaz about sex with Jen and if she keeps her from putting a finger in there. He said that she doesn't do that. Chaz said that he dries up from the testosterone anyway so it's not a pleasant thing. He doesn't get a period anymore either.
Howard asked if Chaz is going to sue the Enquirer for saying she's near death from the drugs he's taking. He said he would just like them to apologize.
Howard asked why Cher conducts her business in her bathroom. Chaz said that dinner isn't in there but he has hung out in the bathroom over there. Chaz said Cher does have a day bed in the bathroom. He was laughing while talking about that.
Howard asked if Elijah lives at home with Cher. Chaz said that he has moved out. Howard asked who he's banging now. Chaz didn't know.
Howard asked Chaz if he gets hit on a lot now. He said that he does get hit on via Twitter. He said he's not going to fuck around though. Howard said he's a guy now so he has to fuck around.
Howard asked Chaz if he thinks his dance partner, Lacey, was kind of chunky. Chaz said that he was attracted to her. Howard asked if he made any moves on her. Chaz said he didn't do that. Howard asked if he masturbated thinking about her. Chaz said he has respect for women and he can't do that. Howard said he has a lot of feminine feelings left in there. Howard asked what he masturbates to. Chaz said he does that to porn on the internet. Howard said he's very proud of him for saying that. Howard asked what his favorite kind of porn is. Chaz didn't get a chance to say. Howard said that he loves Babysitter porn. He told Chaz to check it out. Chaz said he's more into guy on girl porn. He never really liked girl on girl. He said that looks fake to him. He said he likes the amateur stuff too.
Howard asked Chaz where he goes for porn. He said something about LolasTube.com or something like that. Howard said he had to write that down. Howard asked if Chaz does it solo. He said he does. Howard said that he's totally transitioned. Chaz said he will do it in the kitchen and ask Jen to leave him alone for like 15 minutes. Howard said he has an iPad so he can use that to jerk off. Chaz said he has an iPad but the porn doesn't come up fast enough for him.
Howard asked Chaz if he got good money for being on Dancing with the Stars. Chaz said he got a flat rate and the longer you stay on the more you get. He said it was a great incentive to stay on.
Howard asked Chaz about the people on Dancing with the Stars. Chaz said that he saw J.R. early on and he knew that he would win the show. He said he really wants him to win. Howard said he doesn't know how that guy does it because he cries over his face every morning and he's not even burned like J.R.
Howard asked Chaz about going to the party with David Arquette recently. Chaz said that was a Halloween party. Howard asked about wanting to bang that Karina chick. Chaz said she's very attractive. Howard said she's got a great body. Howard said he'd beat off to that on his iPad.
Howard said he heard that Karina was dancing around at the party. Chaz said she was. Howard asked if Chaz has lost a few pounds. Chaz said he lost some weight and he's trying to keep going. Howard said he thinks that it's a passive aggressive thing toward Cher staying fat. Chaz said he just enjoys food and it's nothing about his mom. Chaz said he gave up cigarettes a couple of years ago and didn't gain any weight but didn't lose any either.
Howard asked Chaz about her addiction to Oxy a few years ago. Chaz said that he was going to therapy and trying to ween off of the stuff but not really. He said that it was the beginning of the year and he told the therapist he didn't like her and he just wanted to be left alone and do the drugs. Chaz said that the therapist told him that he was trying to slowly kill himself and push everyone out of his life. He said that made him realize that he had hit the bottom and he had a moment of clarity and he had to stop this. Chaz said he went to treatment and got off the stuff.
Howard asked if Cher has a will. Chaz said that Sonny didn't. She said that they all got a portion of his song publishing royalties. Chaz said that there is some money there but any cash he had went to his wife Mary. Howard said that he should have had a will. Howard asked if Cher has one. Chaz said that he's sure she does. Howard wondered how the money would be split. He said she must have millions. Howard said if he plays this right then he could get the mother load. Howard said that Elijah might not get as much as Chaz does. Robin said that Chaz may end up being in charge of Elijah. Chaz said that's what keeps him up at night. Howard said he can see the money going right out the window if Elijah gets it.
Howard asked if Chaz is a millionaire. He said that with assets he might be. Chaz said that his mom is extremely generous. He said that she's helped him out with things like buying her house and things like that.
Howard said that Chaz is the only thing going on with the OWN network. Howard said Oprah was all about not doing reality shows on her network but now she's all about Chaz and her reality show. Howard said that Oprah doesn't understand men. Chaz said he met her and did get to hang out with her a bit at Sundance. He said that it is Oprah after all and it is mesmerizing to talk to her.
Chaz asked Howard for a bottle of water. Howard said he sure can. He said he's had him talking for an hour now. He said he'll try to wrap things up.
Howard asked Chaz what his next step is. Chaz said he stopped acting as a woman and he's thinking about getting back into that as a man. He's not sure if he'll be accepted. He said he'd be willing to shave his head for a movie when Howard asked about that.
Howard asked Chaz about the beard and why he doesn't have a moustache. Chaz said that he can't grow the moustache yet. He said the hair has kind of started from below and it's working its way up. He said he'd like to see if he can look like his dad with the moustache eventually.
Howard said he wants to grow a Hitler moustache. Howard said that was a cool moustache until Hitler ruined it for everyone.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's great that Chaz finally came on the show. Howard asked if it was a problem with Cher. Chaz said that his publicist was the one who finally let him do it. He said that he wanted to do it and finally got the chance. He said that they did tell him that he'd have to talk about penises the whole time.
The caller asked Chaz if he prefers tits or ass. Chaz said he likes both. He said nice breasts are nice. Howard said that they say that lesbian women make love for hours but Chaz said that's a myth. Howard asked if he spends more time on boobs now that he's on testosterone. Chaz said he didn't notice them until he was on testosterone. He said that he's discovered that breasts are like an eye magnet now.
Howard said he read that Chaz wanted to go talk to Angelina Jolie's kid Shylo who looks like he dresses up as a boy all the time. Chaz said he never said that he wanted to go talk to the kid. He said he was asked about the kid and he has a group for kids who may be transgender and if they needed help he'd be willing to be there for them. He said they misinterpreted that.
Robin asked Chaz about this boy who wanted to be a Girl Scout. Chaz said he thinks that they should be allowed to do that. Chaz said when you have consciousness you know if you feel like a boy or a girl. He said that they should let the kids be who they feel they are.
Howard said that he thinks that Dr. Keith is really wrong about what he was saying about letting kids watch Chaz on Dancing with the Stars.
,Howard asked what Chaz is doing today. He said he's doing a few more interviews there at Sirius XM and then going to do Wendy Williams. Howard said he thinks that Chaz is having a good time there today. Chaz said he actually is.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he dressed up as Chaz for Halloween. He said he wore a sweater vest and he's kind of stocky. He said he drew on a beard and he had a picture of Chaz's dancer attached to him.
Howard asked Chaz who he thinks is the sexiest chick on that show. Chaz said he thinks Lacey is. He said she sticks out and she's really good.
Howard asked Chaz if he's been to a strip club yet. Chaz said he hasn't yet but he has to do that eventually. Howard asked if he and Jen are going to break up. Chaz said they're in a tough place right now but they're trying to get through it. Howard asked if he feels guilty about breaking up. Chaz said they haven't broken up so that's not even a question.
Howard asked about the reality show and if he feels like he has to be ''on'' for the camera. Chaz said they do have a game plan for the show and he doesn't force anything. Howard said he'd feel a pressure to perform. He said he'd have to make some noise at least.
Howard took a call from David Arquette who said this was a great interview. He said that he asked all of the questions that they wanted to hear asked.
Howard asked which party it was that they went to that night. David said they went to Kate Hudson's party. Howard said if he hooked up with Kate it would be the biggest story ever. Howard said it would be great if Chaz started dating Courteney. David said then he could start dating Cher.
Howard asked Chaz if he's attracted to Courteney. Chaz said that's the ex-wife of his friend so he would never do that. Howard said he's into the man code then. Chaz said he would like to do a show with David, Carson Kressley and J.R. else and do something like The View. Howard said he'd like them to do the show on Howard 100 so they can hear what that would sound like. Chaz said he's game. David was up for it too. Howard said he wants to hear pussy talk and stuff about Chaz wanting to fuck David's wife.
Chaz said he thinks that they could get female viewership too because they're offbeat guys. Howard said David is very offbeat.
Howard asked Chaz about one of her first loves being Cher's good friend. Howard said Cher was fine with it too. Howard said they'll save that for another time. Howard let David go and David told Chaz he did a great job with the interview today.
Howard said he could bullshit with Chaz all day. He had to wrap up though. He said that Being Chaz is going to be on OWN starting November 27th. Howard asked Chaz if he's done with the tattoos. Chaz said that he is for now. Howard showed what he has on his arm. Chaz said that they all have a little meaning to him. Howard said his mean nothing to him. He said he hates astrology and he's not sure why he did the one he did on his arm.
Howard asked Chaz if he shaves his bush. Howard said that his bush is full and he's man so that's cool. Chaz said he lets it grow. Howard said that the hair on his bush is longer than his penis.
Howard asked Chaz what happened to Sonny Bono. Chaz said he made the decision to cross over from one ski trail to another and he ended up hitting a tree. Howard said he has never skied. Chaz said he hasn't done it in a long time. Howard said that's good. He doesn't want to end up in a tree. Chaz said that he'd still do it and it was just a poor decision on her dad's part. Chaz said he wouldn't try to ski through the trees.
Howard wrapped up with Chaz and thanked him for coming in. Howard said he admires his courage. Howard said he's in his corner and he'll defend him the best he can. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he puts a lot of thought into the show and he wanted to ask Chaz what it's like to have Greg Allman in the house. Howard said Chaz turned to him and told them about Greg picking her up from school at 3 and not getting home until 11. Howard said that's the kind of crazy life he had. Robin said she wondered what life was like for him and this is a crazy life.
Howard said when Chaz came in he was sweating a lot. He said as they started talking the sweat stopped . He said he thinks that he got relaxed. Howard said that's why he kept the interview so long. He said the longer he was on the more relaxed he got.
Howard said he thanks Chaz for coming in. He said they had a good time. Howard said now Cher has to get in there. Howard said you know she was listening to the show.
Howard said Robin has to figure out how to get to all of her news stories in one shot. Robin said they do have to talk about Kat Von D and how she was Tweeting about how Jesse James was cheating on her and she met the 19th girl that he had cheated with.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he'd like to hang out with Chaz in a bar. He said that interview was great and he's like one of the boys. Howard said he agrees and thanked the guy for the call.
Howard said Chris Cornell will stop by tomorrow and do a couple of tunes for them. Howard said he thinks that they're already in the news and Robin has managed to sidestep her song. Fred threw one in while Robin was trying to talk. He played a Little Mikey song parody for her. Fred played Robin's theme over her too.
Robin said that Jesse James always had a look on his face when he was with Kat Von D. She said she knows what that look is now. It was the look that he gives when he's thinking that he's cheating on that woman too. Howard said Sandra Bullock has done a nice job of turning that whole thing around for herself.
Howard said in December they're going to be on Thursdays. Howard said that's for all of the people who have complained that they haven't been on enough.
Robin read about Joe Frazier's funeral and who showed up. Robin said that Muhammad Ali was there and so was Jesse Jackson. Robin said that Jesse got everyone riled up saying that Joe was real and Rocky was not. Howard said no one was thinking about that. He's not sure why he would bring that up. Robin went over some of the other people who were there and said it was nice to know that Philadelphia will be honoring Joe Frazier. They went to break after that.
After the break Howard mentioned that Joey Boots just ''Baba Booey'd'' on FOX 5 New York. Howard played the clip and Joey got in the Baba Booey while they were live on air. Joey also threw in a couple of ''Howard Stern's Penis'' mentions as well. Rosanna Scotto and Greg Kelly got on and said that this was serious stuff and it's not the right time for something like that. Howard said Joey is down there almost every day at Occupy Wall Street. He said he'll get to that another day.
Robin got back to her news and read about how Kotex is recalling some tampons. Robin said that they found bacteria on some of them so they want to recall them. Howard said he heard about how women put alcohol on tampons and put them up there to get drunk. Howard said someone wrote in about how dangerous that can be for women.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he should have been more aggressive with Chaz. He said he thought he was a bit soft. Howard asked what he was soft about. The caller said the more humorous things. Howard said he had to go. The guy was getting a ticket for being pulled over waiting on hold.
Robin read about how Gaddafi was apparently into taking Viagra and he was taking so much that a nurse told him he had to take it down a notch. Robin said that he was also sleeping with a lot of women according to a report she read. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about people being moved out of Zuccotti Park last night. Robin said that many people obeyed but some had to be arrested. Robin had some audio from the scene. Robin said that you're supposed to be able to conduct political protests in this country so they can't stop these people. Robin said they are talking about reassembling somewhere else. No one is sure where that will be though.
Robin read about this guy Bob Jones III who is saying that Obama isn't a Christian. Robin said she's not sure why this guy is questioning him but didn't ever question Bush's Christianity.
Robin read a story about the lawyer who is representing Jerry Sandusky. Robin said that he's concerned about his client's health and well being. Robin had some audio of the lawyer talking about how he's had bricks thrown through his window. Howard said they could just put him in jail to protect him. Robin said that they say that Sandusky is like a big, overgrown kid. Robin said they're having trouble finding some of the victims that were mentioned in the report. Robin had some audio of Jerry Sandusky talking to Bob Costas about his situation. Robin said that they say that the victims could include up to 18 children now. Robin said she thinks this will keep unfolding. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read some news about Herman Cain and the women who have been coming out talking about alleged sexual harassment. Robin had some audio of his wife coming out and talking about how her husband would need to have a split personality to do what these women claim. Robin had some audio of Herman Cain rambling on about a couple of things too. That led to Howard talking about how all of these guys are self destruction. He said Rick Perry is a real mess.
Robin had some audio of Gabrielle Giffords talking about her shooting on 20/20 last night. Howard said that poor woman. Robin said she hopes to return to congress eventually. The guy who shot her is still in jail. Robin said they asked Giffords what she thought when they told her what had happened. Giffords said it was sad that people died. Howard said this woman was a dynamic woman and she was thinking about getting out of politics before she was shot. Howard said ''fuck that guy.'' He had to do another live commercial after that.
Howard said that Booker the DJ turned him on to an app he loves. He said it's called StumbleUpon. Howard said you load it into your phone and it will ask what your likes and dislikes are and it brings you all kinds of stuff from the web that you'd be into. Howard said he was stumbling on all kinds of stuff.
Ralph called in and said he should watch that Diane Sawyer interview with Gabrielle Giffords. He said it's really good. Howard said he can't watch it. Ralph said Giffords gets confused and they had to help her rewire her brain. He said that she looks better now too. Howard said it eats his kishkas up when he watches that. He said he can't handle the viscousness and illness that's around. He said there are too many people on this planet. He said these people ruin lives and then they get off because they're mentally ill. Howard said they have to nip this shit in the bud. Howard said he needs another guy in there to bond with. He said Chaz is his kind of guy.
Robin said there is going to be a new crew going to the International Space Station tonight. Robin said they should be there around Midnight tonight. Howard laughed and asked if Robin could ever imagine going there. Howard said he could never do it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he took his advice about spreading his cheeks apart to fart and it worked for him. Howard quickly ended that call and thanked the guy for calling in.
Robin read about the new book Casey Anthony's lawyer has coming out. Howard asked what else she has in the news because he didn't care about that.
Robin read about how George Clooney has had some tough times and he contemplated suicide when he injured his back while shooting a film. Howard said that guy is having a fine time and there's no way he'd kill himself if he was dating Stacy Keibler. Howard said she's not the last one he's going to have either. Howard said Clooney should write a book about what his life has been like. Howard said John Stamos would buy that book because he looks like George Clooney. Howard said Stamos doesn't even get attached to the girls he dates. Howard said there's no point in him reading that book himself. He imagines that the foreword would be by Brad Pitt. Howard said the book would read something like ''First you meet a woman, then you sleep with her.''
Robin had some audio of a woman talking about working with George Clooney. Howard figured out what she'd say before she even said it. He knew she'd say he was a great guy. Howard said another tip from his book is to always carry a flashlight so you can show a woman your face in a dark room.
Robin read about the movie ''Arthur Christmas'' that's coming out soon. Robin said that it's an animated film about Santa's son. Howard said it sounds awful. Robin had some audio of Eva Longoria talking about the movie.
Robin had some audio of Penelope Ann Miller talking about the movie ''The Artist.'' Robin told Howard what the movie is about and how it's about the time between silent films and talkies. Howard said he could have been great in silent films. He demonstrated some of his expressions for Robin.
Robin said the movie ''A Dangerous Method'' is also coming out soon. Robin had some audio of Michael Fassbender talking about that movie.
Robin read about the Bachelorette and how things aren't working out for her and the guy she picked on the show. Howard said he's happy about that.
Robin said that Brad Pitt is thinking of leaving acting at the age of 50 which is just 3 years away. Robin said he's thinking about it and he's more into being behind the camera so he might do that instead. Howard said he'll end up smoking tons of weed behind the scenes. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:30am.
Benjy said he felt it was a bit of targeting of Scott DePace. He said they might say that it was just part of another story they were doing. Benjy said he's not sure what their personal motives are.
Steve Brandano said they have gone back and forth between Jason and Scott lately. They keep accusing each other of things and they cover those stories. Benjy said he thought that the coffee story came after the story of Scott looking at Howard's monitor. Steve said he thinks it came from Jason accusing Scott of using company time to work on his personal web site.
Gary said they're going to discuss this even if Scott isn't there. Jon said he just expects more from the guy.
Jon said that Howard announced he'll be doing Thursdays in December too. He said they have to talk about that.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Chaz Bono first. Jon said it was a strange thing that Howard was doing guy talk with Chaz today. Benjy said he still has a bit of a girl ass. He said if he didn't know the history he would have though it was a guy. He said it was hard to tell he was a woman. Jon said he can still see Chastity Bono's face there. Gary said they had a transgender on the show years ago and you could see the female face in there.
Jon said growing up as Sonny and Cher's kid has to be difficult. He said that it sounds like Sonny was the better parent but Chaz had issues with him too.
Jon also mentioned that Chaz had slept with a guy after people asked him how he knew he was gay if he hadn't been with a man yet. Jon asked if they found that to be odd. Benjy said he's heard that a lot from gay people.
Jon took a call from a guy who wanted to save the show Community but Jon didn't want to get into that on this show.
Another caller said he thinks that Chaz should get on one of those Biggest Loser shows or something. Gary said that it seems like a lot of the same people end up on the same shows. They said that Chaz could end up doing something like that.
Jon said that Chaz also talked about her 2 inch clit that made Howard envious. He said he seemed to be very comfortable talking to Howard about all of that. Gary said that Chris Martin's manager watched his interview with him last week and the guy noticed how comfortable Chris got during the interview too. It just happens that way when people come in.
Jon took another call and the guy said that Chaz was much more interesting today than he's been on any other show. He said Howard is the greatest interviewer of all time.
Anther caller said that Chaz will never be a man no matter what anyone says. He said that she was born a woman and she'll always be a woman. Gary said he doesn't agree with that. He said that he thinks that it's a possibility that things get fucked up and she really is a man. Benjy asked if the caller is bugged by it. The caller said he's not at all but he's a woman acting like a man. He said that when you're born a woman, you're a woman. He said that she may have some short circuits in there but she's still a woman. Jon said he sees his point but he doesn't agree with him. They went to break after that.
Jon said Beth looked gorgeous today and it is kind of funny that she thinks that she was fat. Gary said he can't possibly complain about her weight. Jon said she was today. Howard has done that too. He talks about how fat he is. Gary said even when he was 20 pounds over weight Howard would make it sound like he was 100 over.
Jon asked Ronnie what he thinks about that. Ronnie said all hot chicks think they're ugly. He said they all think they're fat. Ronnie said they feel bloated and they can't move and their clothes don't fit right.
Gary said they had a plot line on ''Just Shoot Me'' where David Spade's character would tell Heather Locklear's character that she was getting fat and she'd stick with him.
Jon asked Benjy if he likes a woman who thinks that she's fat even when she's not. Benjy said that he'd like them to think that they're hot. Benjy said he jokes around about that kind of stuff with girls sometimes. He said they love it when you call them fat.
Gary pointed out that Benjy is wearing a cap with Elisa's name on it today. Benjy said that Howard TV asked him not to wear a Yankees cap so he just got this one. He said all they had was an Elisa cap. Gary said that it's an ugly cap. It's orange on teal. Jon said it does scream ''Look at me.''
Jon took a call from a woman who said she wanted to chime in on Howard getting down on himself. She said that Howard has great eyes and a great jaw line. She said that Beth is also gorgeous and she obviously really loves Howard. She said that she loves Howard too and she tells her husband that all the time. The caller said she thinks Howard is a handsome man and Beth is gorgeous.
The caller went on and on about how great Howard is and how she hopes that he gets on America's Got Talent. She said she hopes that people will see what a great guy he really is. She also said ''F-Scott DePace'' because he's a dog hating loser. Jon thanked her for her call and moved on.
Jon said that you can tell that Howard and Beth really do love each other. Gary said Howard made that love tape for her. Gary said if he had done that 15 years ago and Howard found out about it he would have made fun of him for it. Gary said now Howard is doing it himself. He said 15 years ago he would have said that drinking at a party was wrong but now he does that too.
Jon asked Ronnie if he's ever made a love tape. Ronnie said he hasn't but he has given cards and written poems. He said that Gary made that love tape for that girl years ago but it just wasn't meant to be.
Gary said he had a guy come to him about that tape he made and the guy asked if he should make a tape. Gary said he was serious but he thought the guy was kidding. Benjy asked if Ronnie kept any of his poems. Ronnie said he doesn't have them, the girls have them.
Ronnie said that women love having flowers delivered at work. He said that's the way to get to a woman. Jon said just imagine if there's a poem attached to those flowers. Ronnie said that's right. They had to take another break after that.
Gary said that he had to take a few seconds to plug the Celebrity Superfan Roundtable they're doing this Thursday night with Jeff Probst, Natalie Maines, Howie Mandel, Tony Hawk, Mike Judge and Mark Tinker. He said that they'll have Paul Feig on the show too.
Jon asked Eric what he thinks about Howard being a judge on America's Got Talent. Eric said he'd love it. He said it would be incredible. He asked if it would be on against Modern Family though. Jon said it's a summer show so it wouldn't be. Eric said he thinks Howard would be amazing on it.
Gary said that they had Chaz Bono on the show today. Eric said he and his wife almost went out on Halloween as Cher and Chaz Bono. He said his wife would have been Chaz.
Jon mentioned Ronnie and Ronnie wondered if Eric even knows who he is. Eric said of course he odes and he noticed that something was going on with his beard. Gary didn't even notice it. Ronnie said he made the change months ago and Gary didn't notice.
Eric said he was at the UFC fight that Ronnie was at. Eric said he was hanging out with Brock Lesner back stage. Ronnie said he didn't see him there. Eric said he met him through Kevin Harvick. Ronnie said that's his buddy too. Eric said he met them all through the guy who owns Jimmy Johns.
Ronnie and Eric were getting along so well that Eric asked if he wanted to date. They ended up talking about NASCAR and how much fun they have watching that stuff. Ronnie told him that he should try the driving school. He said that it's a great rush.
Eric said he's there to help give away two million meals along with Pepto Bismol. He said that you can go on Facebook.com and find out more. They had to end the show a short time later at 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking to Robin about Benjy. Robin said his beard doesn't look good anymore. She said that it's getting too long. Howard said he realized that she has to stare at him all day long. He said he sees what she's talking about. Howard said he has to get a trimmer. Howard said he has a trimmer that lets him keep it the right length. He said that he starts to play with the hair that grows into his mouth. He said that Benjy does look better with the beard. He said most of his face is covered with hair and it's a good look.
Robin said Benjy's cheeks are covered too. She laughed as she described what it looks like. Howard said Benjy is also losing weight to keep that girl. He said he's growing hair all over his face like wolf boy.
Howard asked Benjy how things are going with Elisa. He said he did notice the cap he had on yesterday. He said he forgot to mention it during the show. Benjy had another one he put on. Benjy said they are fully dating.
Robin asked if they're having sex. Benjy said maybe they're not fully dating. Howard said he thinks Benjy is trying to be a gentleman. He doesn't want to talk about that kind of stuff.
Howard asked Benjy if it's in the back of his mind that this girl isn't attracted to him and makes him wear a had and making him grow a beard.
Benjy said they've just been making out and laying in bed and things like that so far. Robin asked if he's stuck at 3rd base. Howard said he may be stuck at 2nd. Howard said there's a weird thing that happens when that's going on. He said your breath can go bad and it just goes on and on. Benjy said he loves it. Howard said it's enough and they can't kiss forever. Benjy said he loves kissing her. He said it does cross his mind that maybe she's not attracted to him.
Howard asked if she's saying that she is attracted to him or does she still not believe it. Benjy said she's being incredible and making him feel great. Howard asked how long it's going to be before sex. Benjy said he's not pushing it. He said he might be able to push it now but he doesn't want to do that. He said it's something she wants but she wants to take it slow. Howard said he's appears to be willing to put in that time too. Benjy said ''Yeah.''
Howard asked Benjy if she's not giving in. Benjy said he can tell she'd rather wait. Howard asked Benjy about going down on her and if that's what he thinks will turn the tide. Benjy said he does want to do that. Howard said fingering is questionable. Benjy isn't admitting to it but he's not denying it either.
Howard said that he went out with a girl how some people said looked dirty. He said his condom fell off that night and the next morning he had something feel weird on his penis. The doctor told him he had an amoeba or something on his penis and he basically said she had a dirty pussy. Howard said he was done after that. Howard said he's super paranoid about getting anything. He said it was the beginning of the end.
Howard wondered if he won't be allowed on America's Got Talent because of that bad pussy story. Howard said he doesn't give a shit if they do. Gary said that Howie Mandel listens to the show and he might bring stuff up on the show that would get Howard upset. Howard said he won't stop that.
Robin said that she had some people telling her they wanted her involved with their company and she had to ask if they were absolutely sure about that. Howard said he has to tell people that in meetings too. He said that people think he's worse than Colonel Gaddafi. He said people think they can handle him but they really can't.
Howard said Eddie Murphy used to do one of the most dirty acts he's ever heard and he'd disparage everyone in the act. Howard said he'd go be in family movies after that and he'd wonder why he gets away with it. Howard said Redd Foxx was the same way. Howard said he would do really dirty stuff and he blushes when he hears that act.
Howard said he has a reputation and it doesn't work both ways. He said people just think he's insane. Robin said she thinks people think he's mentally ill and he can't control himself.
Howard played the audio of Sal interviewing a woman about Howard. She said that Howard should disappear and he offends in every way. She said he's a pig. Richard asked if she would watch him on the show. She said no. She also said that Piers Morgan has some class and even Woody Allen has more class than Howard Stern. She said he should find something else to do other than that. She suggested driving a taxi. Howard said he could never drive a taxi.
Another woman was questioned about the same thing and this woman said he would not be a good judge. She said she likes the show but she wouldn't watch. She said that Howard's talent is ''luck.'' Sal and Richard asked her some more questions about Howard being a judge and she said Howard would be good at judging wet t-shirts. She said that Ellen Degeneres would be better than Howard. She said that she's more talented than Howard Stern. She said Howard would ruin the show. The boys asked her what Howard's best feature was. She basically said that it's his money.
Sal and Richard asked another woman about Howard. She said that Howard can be nice but he can be a jerk too. She said if he behaves himself it might work. Howard said that last woman mentioned Ellen but she doesn't really have a face for TV either. Howard said if you like Ellen then you probably don't like him.
Howard played more of the interview and the woman said she's not sure Howard has a talent. Howard said that's really insulting. She said a lot of people won't like Howard's look either. She said she has long hair and he's from New York.
Howard said he's worked all over the country and people seem to like him. He said even in middle America they like him.
Howard played the last interview Sal and Richard did. This woman said that she thinks Howard would be fair on the show. She was saying that he's used to being the way he is. She said she doesn't watch the show. She said she would watch just to see him. She said she'd take Howard Stern any day of the week. She said that he does have a face for radio though. Howard said he's going to teach them how to shoot him for TV if he takes that job.
The woman said Howard tells it like it is and it would be good for the talent person because it'll make them tougher. Howard said they finally found one person who thinks he'd be good. Robin said if he gets the job then she's going to have to watch that show. She made gagging sounds and said she hates that show. Howard said she'll have to watch because he's going to come back and talk about the show. He said it's going to be mandatory that all listeners watch. Robin said that kept her awake last night.
Howard said he gets Google alerts about the show and there's an avalanche about this whole thing. Robin said the show is a monster in the ratings during the summer. That's why it's getting so much attention. Robin said the show ends up breaking into regular news during the summer.
Howard said he wrote to Robin but she obviously doesn't read it. Robin said she hasn't been feeling that good this week and she hasn't gotten to her mail. Robin said she might have a cold or something. She said she has a lot of body aches and pains and weirdness. Howard said that he has the same kind of stuff going on. Robin said she's not sure what to do.
Howard said she'll over come it. He said she always does. Fred played her news theme music and Howard sang a song to her about upping her green drink or something. Robin said that's what she's been doing. Robin said she actually did cancel her colonic appointment for today because she's feeling so weird.
Howard said he wrote to Robin about the Ronnie and Scott special and the funniest thing is that Scott's expression never changes. He said at the end of the special they ask Robin about them paying $25 to see them and Robin just laughs. Then they ask about a $35 ticket to see them back stage and Robin lost it. Robin said she just couldn't understand it.
Howard said he was hypnotized by the show. He said he told them not to cut a minute of this special. He said he'll tell Doug Goodstein to trim shows here and there but not this one. He said it's perfect.
Howard got Eric on the line and told him to just hang in there for 10 minutes and hang up. He said he doesn't have to stay on the line for hours. Eric said he would hang up if he didn't have anything to say.
Eric said he's not a delusional person. Howard said he really is. Howard had a voice mail from Eric and told him to listen to it as if he's not himself. Eric made a noise that sounded like he had just expired.
Howard played the voice mail and Eric was complaining that his messages have been ignored and he thought they were going to call him during the show. Eric said he's been trying to be part of the show and he has come back to the show. He said he did that in July. Eric said that he had no intentions of coming back.
Howard asked Eric why it has to be either or with him? He said he hates to tell Eric this but if he doesn't get through, just hang up and go on with your day. He said you don't have to wait on hold.
Howard asked if he's back on the show or not. Eric said he is but not on a regular basis like he used to be. Howard said that's because he's too busy. Eric said it's not only that. He said he's not actually calking in on an every day basis like he used to.
Robin said they are doing fewer shows and they're very jam packed. Eric said if he worked 4 days a week it wouldn't be packed. Howard said in December they'll be working 4 days a week so it won't be so jammed up.
Howard said he has something new for Eric. He said they were looking for a guy to manage the Bunny Ranch. Howard said he asked them about Eric but he'd have to live out there. Howard said that was at the point when he wasn't talking to them and he wasn't calling in. Howard said that was it. Gary tried to get him on the show but he wasn't calling in. Howard told Eric not to get all pissy with the show and he won't miss out on that stuff.
Howard told Eric he has another job for him. He said he got a call the other day from someone asking if he was really an actor. Howard said the girl who plays his wife in the movie, Mary McCormack, has her own show. He said that they wrote a part for him and he's got 4 lines. Gary said that the show ''In Plain Sight'' has a show runner and this guy is the guy who makes everything happen. Howard said the producer blows the show runner. Howard said he's the guy in charge of everything.
Gary said that Eric will play the landlord of a building where a hoarder lives and he'll be complaining about the hoarder. Eric said he will take the part. Gary said that his head will explode. Howard said he was just kidding about that.
Howard said Eric is getting this chance because he knows Mary and the guys on the show. Eric said that Howard knows a lot of people who are involved with TV shows. Robin told him to thank Howard before he complains. Howard said he doesn't do this for anyone. Eric said he's sorry for bypassing the thank-you. He still hadn't thanked Howard. Eric said ''Thank you for that.''
Howard asked Gary when Eric has to go to work. Gary said the guy wanted to know what to do next. Eric said he'll give Johnny another chance to deal with this. He said it will smooth things over between him and Johnny if he gets this done. He and Johnny haven't been speaking much lately. Howard said that Eric will contact Johnny and ask him to handle this.
Howard asked Eric how he would like they to proceed. Eric asked them to have Will email Johnny and Johnny can talk to this person.
Howard said they'll send Eric the information and he can handle it from there. Howard said Johnny may have had it with him since he's such a pain in the ass. Eric said he doesn't feel that way. Gary said this isn't carved in stone in any way. Gary said they shoot in New Mexico so it's not easy to get Eric from A to B. The guy said they'd do their very best. Howard said there's plenty of chance of this going wrong. He has to drive out there and he has to have an oxygen tank and all of that.
Gary said the name of the show is ''In Plain Sight.'' Howard said he'll be co-starring with Mary McCormack. Robin said it doesn't sound like he'll be in a scene with her. Howard said he needs a love scene with someone. Howard said he's going to hit the guy up for that after this episode.
Howard said Mary had to make out with him so it can't be much worse making out with Eric. He said he thinks Eric is better looking.
Eric said that Johnny was claiming that he turned down a cartoon voice. He said there's one cartoon he'd like to do. He said he'd like to be on Beavis and Butt-Head. Howard said Eric would work on that show. Howard said he was watching last night and Cornholio came back. Howard said he goes to a cult and they think he's the cult leader. He said they were about to score with some chicks and didn't even realize it.
Howard said that was the good news for Eric. He wished him luck with the gig. Howard asked Eric what he thinks about the talk about America's Got Talent. Eric said that he obviously hasn't listened to his voice mails. Eric said he doesn't think Howard is right for it. Howard told him to enjoy the job he just got him. Howard said he's such a prick. Eric said that he thinks they'd lose a lot of advertisers. He said companies like McDonald's and Ford don't want to advertise with him. Howard said Steven Tyler was a drug addict and he had no problem getting on American Idol. He also said he read that the TV council doesn't want him on it. Howard said they can still do the show though. Howard said Eric is really against him.
Howard said Charlie Sheen was on a show even after he had been accused of throwing his wife down a flight of stairs on Christmas day. Howard said he's a saint compared to Charlie Sheen.
Eric told Howard to look at how people reacted to Chaz Bono when he was on Dancing with the Stars. He said people were boycotting the show over that. Howard said they put him on anyway and it was no big deal. No one really cared. Robin asked if he thinks they shouldn't do things just because they might reject it. Robin said that they might reject Eric if he's on that TV show. Howard said there still aren't many handicapped people on TV. Eric said there is the character on Glee but it's played by an able bodied actor. Howard said ''Exactly.''
Howard said he just got Eric a job on ''In Plain Sight.'' Eric said ''Thank you.'' Robin said he could be more enthusiastic. Eric said that it would be higher but he was just woken up. Howard said he comes alive around 2 o'clock. Robin said that Eric should wake up and tell them how he feels and thank them profusely.
Howard said he shouldn't leave mean voice mail about him being on America's Got Talent. Howard told the guys to send him some Cheetah Power Surge. Eric said he can't take that kind of stuff because of his heart problems.
Howard asked Eric what time of day he can call and get the enthusiastic Eric. Eric said he could try calling in during the Celebrity Superfan Roundtable tomorrow night. Howard said there is a big Superfan Roundtable with a bunch of big stars. Howard said Howie Mandel is one of them. Eric told Howard that Howie was on Jay Leno's show last night. They didn't mention Howard at all.
Howard said he found this new app called StumbleUpon and mentioned it on the show yesterday. Howard said that one of the interests he has on the app is himself. He said it's kind of cool. He said that he put his name in and stumbled across a clip from 2006 when he was on Conan's show at 12:30 at night. He said that he told Conan not to do it way back then. Howard said it was very prophetic. Howard played the clip and in the clip he told Conan that it's a bad idea to try and take over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno. Howard told Conan what a weird guy Jay is and how he doesn't see him leaving and letting Conan take over.
Howard said this was all funny to Conan at the time. He played more of the audio and Conan told Howard that this was still a few years away and he thinks that Jay is going to be fine with it. Howard said that Jay likes to work and he's not going to give it up.
Howard said the point he was making is that Conan should have stayed where he was. He said no one is brighter about the business than he is. Howard said that no one listens to him. Howard said Conan laughed but look at what happened. Howard said that was back in 2006. He told him that Jay wasn't going anywhere.
Howard said he saw a giant Conan blimp flying over the city the other day. He said he just went ''Oy Vey'' when he saw that. Howard said he took a picture of it actually.
Gary told Howard they have David Arquette, Jeff Probst, Natalie Maines, Mike Judge, Tony Hawke, Mark Tinker and Paul Feig on the Celebrity Superfan Roundtable show. He said that John Goodman is a daily listener and John Tesh wanted to do it too but he's making a record. Howard didn't know that he was still making music. Gary said he got the call from John Tesh and he was told he just got satellite and he can't believe how good the show is. He said Tesh said that he loves the show and he really missed it. Howard welcomed him back to the show.
Howard said that John went through so much to get his wife Connie Sellecca. Howard said he took out a helicopter and he flew her to the top of a mountain to propose to her. Gary said that John really wants to do the Superfan show but he works a lot. Gary said the show is on from 7-9 Eastern tomorrow night.
The guys looked up John and Connie to find out if they were still married. They found out they are but they also saw that Connie is a born again Christian. Howard said that's a shame. Robin said Tesh is too.
Howard told Eric that Gary will email Eric. Gary said he did already. Howard let Eric go after that. Eric said he'll talk to him later. Howard told him to do a good job on the show and make him proud. Howard told him to behave. He doesn't want to hear any sexual harassment charges against him. Eric said he won't do anything Herman Cain is accused of doing. They went to break after that.
Howard said when he's reading commercials he hears JD laughing inappropriately and now he knows why. He said that he's being flirty with Will. Howard said this has kind of flown under the radar there. He said that they're into each other and they've teamed up.
Howard said Will is like the father figure like George Clooney is to that Elizabeta. Howard said that's the spin they're going with on Howard TV. JD said it's more like a big brother bullying him. Will said JD has 50 pounds on him so he's not bullying anyone. Howard said he must be in love with Will. JD said he's not in love.
Howard asked JD if Will is his favorite. JD said he thinks that Jon Hein is his best friend there. Howard said that Jon comes in and stares at JD working first thing in the morning. Howard said Jon just stands there watching him work. JD said he does the same thing to Jon sometimes. Howard said he'd find that annoying.
Jon came in and said he doesn't interrupt his work. He said that JD is difficult to communicate with so he'll come in and say good morning and he won't respond to him at times. He said that he'll just sit there waiting for him to respond. Howard said JD might have a hearing problem. He said Jon isn't the only one. Howard said he walks by and taps on the window and JD will ignore him at times. JD said he says hello. He said he's not ignoring him.
Will said maybe JD is deaf and that's why he talks the way he dos. Howard said he might be right about that. Howard said the other big Bromance is Teddy and JD. JD said that they get along and they bonded when they were hanging out with Artie on the road.
Howard asked JD to do an F, Marry Kill but JD didn't want to do it. Howard told JD he's on a boat and he has Jon, Will and Teddy on the boat. He can only save one. JD said he'd kill Will. Howard said he can only save one out of Teddy and Jon. JD said he'd save Jon Hein. Will said that's one heavy boat.
Howard said he wants to get Eric to host the Oscar's. Eric asked if he's been sleeping under a rock. He said that Billy Crystal took the job. Howard said he was joking.
Lisa got to her news preview and said that Benjy's friend Maryann Garvey has been talking about Benjy and his new girl. She said that Benjy becomes obsessed and she's getting tired of hearing about it from him. Lisa said that Benjy won't take his cap off and he's thinking about getting hair plugs. Howard told him not to do it. Benjy said Elisa is looking into some kind of stem cell thing for him. Even he laughed when he said that.
Lisa said that Benjy is losing weight for her and not for himself. Howard said that's what all guys do. He said if there weren't women around every guy would be fat.
Lisa said that Riley Martin wants to bring in another person on his show and he's already living with the guy. Howard asked why he's doing that. Robin said Riley can't even get money for himself and now he wants another staffer.
Howard said he had a voice mail from Riley from the other day. Howard said Riley had sent Robin a symbol and it came back so he's upset with her. Howard played the clip and Riley was saying that he sent her a symbol on her birthday and it was returned to him. Robin laughed. Riley said he doesn't understand this. He said he won't even open the envelope. He said he wants her to accept it. Riley told them to take care now. He sounded kind of out of it in the call.
Howard said Riley makes up these symbols and draws circles and draws with crayon. He said it would be cute if he was 3 years old. He said Riley says that they're tickets to get on the mother ship. Howard said that's just crazy. Robin said she thinks that he wanted some kind of acknowledgement but she didn't get back to him. Howard said the drawings are so crude but he could draw one better. Howard told Robin to draw one for him and send it as a thank you. Howard drew one for her and told her to send that.
Howard asked why Riley thinks that these things can get you on the mother ship. He said he can't possibly be serious about that.
Lisa said that Whitney Cummings has said she's excited about Howard possibly being on America's Got Talent. She's hoping to see Howard at the NBC parties. Howard said it's almost guaranteed that he wouldn't show up at the parties. He said he would just be a judge on the show and he isn't looking to be part of the NBC family.
Robin told Howard that he was thinking of a compass when he was talking about Riley's drawings. That's what he figured Riley uses when he draws those things. That led to them talking about math classes and how Howard wasn't all that good so he never got into trigonometry and things like that.
Lisa said Whitney was kind of jealous that he turned down a job on her show to go do America's Got Talent. Howard said she wanted him to do something for free on her show and it was actual work. He said this show is rumored to be paying him millions and he won't have to do any work. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that he has Brett Rossi there. She's the new Miss Howard TV. Howard said Ronnie discovered her. Howard said she said she didn't know much about who he was other than him being some ''old guy.'' she said that he took her from 500 followers to 5,000 overnight. That's all she knew about him.
Howard asked how Ronnie got her picture. She said she's not sure. Howard asked Brett how old she is. She's 22. She said she does like old guys and she was talking about 40 year olds. Howard asked if she knows how old Ronnie is. She said she never guesses ages because that's rude. Howard told her to take her best guess. She guessed 56. Howard said he's way older than that. Howard said she's not even close.
Howard said Brett is Miss Howard TV and he'd like to know how Ronnie got her picture. She said she has no idea. She said this guy mentioned her on Twitter and said she was the hot girl of the week. She said Ronnie found her on his own. Howard said she looks great.
Howard asked Ronnie what was going on there. Ronnie came in and said that he picked the outfit for her. He said he did find her too. Ronnie said he used to find them himself but now the girls come to him. He said he found her picture and got in touch with her and asked if she wanted to do it.
Howard asked Brett about doing lesbian porno. She said that she does that and she can make some good money doing it. She said in her personal life she's bi-sexual. She said that she doesn't live with a woman but she is into them. She said that she doesn't like blondes with big, fake boobs. She said her's are fake though.
Howard said he's proud that she's going to be Miss Howard TV. Howard said he read that she likes having her ass licked on film. Brett said that she does like that. She asked Howard if he's ever had that. Howard said he hasn't. Howard asked how she does it. She said that the girls drop the spit down into her and she loves that. She said if you say you don't like it then you've never had it.
Howard said he'd be afraid that someone would smell doody back there. Brett said that people in adult film are very clean. She said they douche and wipe with baby wipes all the time. Howard said he heard that douching dries out the vagina. Brett said that is true so you have to be careful.
Howard asked where he can get Brett's films. She said she has a film coming out that's her first feature film. She said that the movie is coming out on January 26th. She said that it's called ''An American Werewolf In London a XXX Parody.''
Robin noticed that Brett was putting her hands down her pants. She said that she touches herself all the time and she doesn't like wearing clothes. She said that she likes to rub herself all the time. She said she's horny and hasn't had sex today. Howard said he heard that she had her hair lasered off but he knows it grows back. She said that the hair does grow back but it's much softer the more you laser it. She said it's baby soft.
Howard asked if Brett went to college. She said she did but she dropped out 4 times before she realized it wasn't for her. Howard said he got crazy from it too.
Howard asked Brett if she does any escorting or anything. She said she doesn't do that. She doesn't even do web cam stuff because she finds it boring. Brett said she hasn't even had a chance to fuck herself today. She said that she uses a Hitachi on herself.
Howard asked Benjy if he was ready to dump Elisa Jordana for this girl. Benjy said she's beautiful but, no, he's not going to dump Elisa.
Howard asked Brett about her father leaving her when she was a young child but then he got back into her life when she was 18 and told her that he wasn't happy with her porn career. Brett said that he wasn't happy about it being lesbian porn. She said he had nothing to do with raising her and then he comes in and tells her that he's not happy about her career choice. Brett said that her dad told her to quit or else. She said ''See ya!''
Howard said Brett tried being a manager at a mattress store. Howard asked if she ever went to do Playboy. She said she's actually the Cybergirl of the week for December 12th. She said she does go to the parties at the mansion too. She said she met Dane Cook there and he was a nice guy. She said that he didn't get into her pants though. She said she's not into celebrities.
Howard asked Brett if she has ever had sex at the mansion. She said that you have to go behind the scenes. She said that she was a painted girl so she was naked but painted with body paint. She said that you can do whatever you want in the grotto. Howard asked if she would fuck Hef. She said no way to that. She said she's sorry but she wouldn't be able to do that.
Gary said that the guys were suggesting that she take a Sybian ride. Howard asked if she would like to try it. Brett said she'll try it and she'll let them know how she feels riding it. Howard said that was good enough.
Howard asked Brett about what it was like in high school. She said that she did what she could to help guys go out into the real world.
Howard told Brett to try the Sybian now. He told her not to fake it either. They played the Sybian commercial audio as they were setting up.
Gary had Brett take off her top. He told her it works better if she's topless. Then they started the Sybian up at about 30 percent. Brett said she only felt it in her butt. Gary told her to get her front on the prickly part. Will told her to take her panties off. She tried that too but it wasn't working. Howard told Gary to jack it up to 100 percent. She said she's not sure it can get her off. Then she started to say ''Oh my god... Holy fuck!'' She said it was feeling good at that point. She said she was getting numb. Howard asked if it was doing anything for her. She said it was like a macho Hitachi. Howard told Gary to bring it down. He said he's glad that she was honest about it. Brett said that it's not for her.
Howard thanked her for coming in and told her to carry out her duties with class and decorum. He asked if she'll sleep with Ronnie. She said she'll buy him a drink if he gets her more followers. Howard let Brett go after that. Will had to help her get dressed before leaving. Howard said he's very proud of Ronnie for discovering her.
Howard played another one where they asked if she would eat the cum from a whore. The caller, Rick, said that he will say she will say yes. Howard said she has asked men to fill up rubbers and she eats their cum. Howard said he almost threw up when he heard that. Robin said she was ready to throw up now. Howard played Debbie's answer and it was ''Definitely yes.''
Howard played another one where they asked her if she would eat cum from Osama bin Laden. Rick said he will say she will say no. Howard said he agrees with Rick. He was right, she said no.
Howard played the next question for Debbie. They asked if she would lick the cum off a baby bird. Robin asked what baby bird is going to have cum on it. Rick said he's going to say she's going to say no. Howard played Debbie's answer and it was ''No.'' Howard said the caller just won.
Howard played another one where they asked if she would eat the cum of a family member. Robin guessed she would say yes. Debbie said she would.
Howard played one where they asked her if she would eat the cum from a 15 year old. Howard said he thinks she'll say no. She said yes and she'd love to get a 15 year old off. Howard said he had to take a break and get to Chris Cornell. He said that Eli Braden wrote a Robin song in honor of Chris coming in. He did a Soundgarden song parody. It was to the tune of Black Hole Sun and it was ''Bust a Nut (in Robin's Butt).''
In the call Sal was doing an impression of the coach as he was placing the order. Richard was in the clip asking for stuff to be put on the pizza and Sal would yell and bang the lockers like the coach did. He was screaming at the pizza guy and the pizza guy told him to tell him where he is and he'll get his pizza. He said he'd rip his dick off and shove it down his throat if he talked to his kids like that. The guy asked what kind of school has an idiot like that and hung up on him. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and Robin was singing to the song. Howard said he's trying to listen to the song. Robin said she's the kind of person who sings along at concerts.
Howard had Chris Cornell in the studio and said he has longer hair now. Howard said he likes him with long hair. Howard asked if he likes Oasis. Chris said he likes some of their stuff. Howard said Chris must get into feuds over stupid stuff. Chris talked about Trent Reznor going off on him about his last album. Chris said he's not sure what that was about. He said he didn't want to fight over something like that. Howard said Trent's last few albums weren't so great so he's not sure what's up with that.
Howard asked Chris about the songs that have been big hits and if he thinks he could pick the big ones. Chris said that Black Hole Sun was a song he never thought would be a big hit. He said he doesn't think he could pick the ones that are going to be huge. He said you do have to pay attention to the business side of things no matter what.
Howard said there's a fine line musicians walk. He said that Audioslave broke up because it became all financial stuff. Chris said that it was a problem from the start but they didn't deal with it right away. He said they wrote 3 albums in the time that most bands do one album. He said that it ended up breaking up the band. He said it's one of those things you have to discuss in every band. He said that you have to figure out who is going to get what in the band and that's what he hates. He said he wishes he never had to have those discussions. Chris said he just wants to write songs.
Howard said there must not be a more uncomfortable discussion than talking money with the guys in the band. Chris said that musicians aren't that good at being judicious. He said that their body language can tell you a lot during those discussions.
Howard said the business side of being in a band has to be the worst. Chris said that no one ever takes credit for screwing anything up. Howard said Mick Jagger ran the show and ran the business and did everything for the guys in the band and then Keith Richards turns on him and shits all over him.
Chris said he goes mountain biking up in the hills and he saw this older, pissed off guy out running. He said he figured out that it was actually John Fogarty. Howard said the business of music killed John. Howard said he ended up with no money and didn't own his own songs and he finally just said he wasn't going to make more music. Howard said it's a tough business. Chris said his dealings with his band mates was much better and more reasonable than anything outside of that.
Robin said there are unscrupulous people out there. Chris said at this point it's like rats trying to survive a sinking ship. He said they're grabbing at anything.
Howard said in the 90s it was Guns N Roses and the Seattle scene. He said Mother Love Bone was huge there and the lead singer died. Chris said he was his roommate. He said that band was the bridge between metal and bands like Nirvana. He said when Andy died that bridge kind of died.
Chris said that Andy was in a band called Malfunction at the time. He said Andy had long hair down to his ass and he would wear kind of KISS make up and play purple bass with spandex. He said they sounded punk rock though. He said that he was very effeminate and very showy like Freddy Mercury. He said he wasn't gay though. Howard thought he was. Chris said he loved the persona but he wasn't gay. Chris said he learned a loot from Andy. He said he could do anything when it came to song writing and performing. He didn't have that voice in his head about things that suck. He said he thinks that's why people were so drawn to him.
Howard asked Chris if he's still friends with Eddie Vedder and those guys. Chris said they just performed together and they do stay in touch.
Howard asked if Chris is attracted to difficult women. He said he knows that he's attracted to very attractive women and he's got the right look. Howard said Chris' first girlfriend stabbed him. Chris said ''Yeah, yeah...'' Howard said the second girlfriend tried to kill herself and her mom. Then he was in a marriage that was just crazy. She took his guitars and locked them up. Howard asked how things are now. Chris said he's married again and he's very happy.
Chris said that he was kind of a drunk and he was an Oxycontin addict for a while. Chris said he was doubling and tripping up on his anti-depressants. Howard asked if the current wife has tried stabbing him yet. Chris said that she's his best friend and he's with her all day, every day. He said she's ready to stab anyone who gives him any shit.
Chris said he was in rehab for a month and he re-uppped to stay in longer. He said that everyone around him was a mess so he had no where to go anyway. Howard asked if the Oxy is as good as people say it is. Chris said you don't feel anything and kicking it is really hard. He said that everything hurts when you're getting off of it. He said staying off of the stuff is even harder.
Howard asked what it's like when someone stabs you. Chris said he was 16 at the time and he was stabbed through the hand. He said nothing was really going on at the time. Then she just grabbed a knife and came at him. He said he stuck his hand up and she stabbed him in the hand. He said he got out of the house and walked along the freeway and she was walking behind him with her dog at like 1 in the morning. Howard said that sounds crazy. Chris said at that age he figured that's what a relationship was supposed to be like.
Howard asked if he went home and told his parents what happened. Chris said he didn't tell them anything. He said his relationship with his father was kind of shitty. He said he would come home from work and pour a bourbon on the rocks and not say a word. He said if he did speak then you were running for doing something to piss him off. Chris said he thinks that it was just stuff handed down over generation.
Howard asked if he has brothers and sisters. Chris said that he has two brothers and three sisters. He said that they're Irish Catholic and that's just what you do. Howard asked if his dad is still alive. Chris said he is but he doesn't talk to him. It's been years. Howard asked if he came back to him and asked for his son back, would it melt his heart. Chris said that he would forgive him if he did that but he'd have to come to the family and do that. He said he doesn't really care and he never really had a relationship with the guy. He never even noticed his hand was cut when he got stabbed.
Howard asked Chris how long he thinks it's been since he talked to him. Chris said it's over 10 years. Howard asked if he knows about his success. Chris said of course he does. He said that a lot of people frowned upon him for taking up music. He said that when you make that decision you could end up doing manual labor and playing in a band somewhere in a bar. He said he ended up being successful. He said if he was a failure his dad would have said that he was right. Howard said he must be sitting and thinking that he's a mess and he fucked up. Chris said his brothers don't have a relationship with their dad either. Howard said it's awful that his brothers don't have a relationship with their dad either.
Howard asked Chris about the rehab and if they link that stuff to how he was raised. Chris said he thinks they assume that's what's went wrong. He said they concentrate on getting you better.
Howard asked Chris about doing his solo thing. He said he likes to ask him to do cover songs when he comes in because he does that in his shows. He said he likes playing other people's music. Chris said he does. He said that he never really learned other people's music when he was in Soundgarden but when he got out he started learning other people's stuff. He said he's like a little kid now.
Howard said Chris is great at guitar. Chris said he's actually not that good. He said he taught himself and he writes songs that are hard to play for him and even for other people. Howard asked if he plays songs like Michael Jackson's Billy Jean and does them as a goof. He said he was going to do that but then he stared to think about what the song really meant and it wasn't funny anymore.
Howard said Chris covers John Lennon's ''Imagine'' and he thinks that's one of the most beautiful songs ever. Chris agreed. He said that John is probably his favorite. He said that he was more of a father figure to him than his father was. Chris said Lennon was an intense guy in so many ways. Howard said he remembers writing a paper in high school about Lennon and he remembers saying that he was more popular than a lot of religious figures.
Howard asked Chris to play some ''Imagine'' for them. Chris went right into the song. After the song Howard said that was beautiful and he could probably get him on America's Got talent. Robin said John would be proud of that.
Howard said he loves hearing people interpret other people's songs. He said that he has to do it as Chris Cornell and not try to just copy it. Chris said you have to do it for you. He said that it doesn't matter how simple it is. He said that the Beatles have some songs that are simple. Howard said he got chills during that song. He said that's how he evaluates music. He said he hears a song and it gives him goose bumps. Robin said that it was like a journey and that's what you should feel.
Howard said that you have to reinterpret the song when you cover one. Chris said that he loved Pink Floyd when he was growing up and they had a magic about their songs. He said there's something about their songs that creates this other world that you get to go into. He said that's how he survived as a kid. Chris said he loved music as a fan and didn't think he was ever going to play it.
Howard said he remembers buying Led Zeppelin albums and those albums took him to another place. Howard said he remembers going to a party and hearing Led Zeppelin and he was blown out by it. He said that he couldn't believe how good it was.
Howard asked Chris about John Bonham and if they should have gone on as a band after his death. He asked if he was shocked by that. Chris said that might have been a good time for them to break up. Howard asked what he thinks Robert Plant's problem is and why he won't go out and play his songs with Jimmy Page. Chris said it's funny he brought that up. He said that he likes Robert Plant's new album. He said that they're both very healthy so maybe they will do something before they die.
Howard had Chris perform Led Zeppelin's ''Thank You'' next. Chris went into that song and had his own spin on the song.
After that performance Howard told him that was a beautiful love song. Howard said love songs can really go wrong and come out sappy. Chris agreed. He said that a lot of guys write a love song to God instead of to a woman. He said he's written many to his wife Vicky and he's never written the line ''I really love your pants.'' Howard said that has to turn a girl on. Chris said he would imagine so. Howard asked if he wrote a song for the girl who stabbed him. Chris said he wasn't a song writer back then.
Chris said that he wrote some music for the piano when he was a kid but he didn't know enough about music to do it. He said that a teacher played it for some people to show them what a kid can write. He said it was really simple stuff.
Howard asked Chris if he ever thinks about not communicating with people like his father. Chris said he can be like a prick like his dad was. He said that he has to catch himself. He said his wife will catch him doing it too. Chris said that he stops when it's pointed out to him. He said he thinks he's doing things the right way that his dad did the wrong way.
Howard asked if the band Soundgarden is still together. Chris said that they are and they're playing dates together. He said he's doing that, his solo stuff and playing with Pearl Jam too. He said he's on the road a lot. He said that he doesn't even consider it work though. He said it's not like coal mining.
Chris said he had a major breakdown when he thought there was a finish line and he should just chill out. Howard gave him a plug for his new album ''Songbook'' and then took some calls.
One caller said he saw Chris play recently and he saw him bring his son out. Chris said that his son will just walk out and he doesn't know there are boundaries. Chris said he's never told him he can't be next to him. He said there's no problem with that. The caller said his son was playing air guitar and he looked like a little Chris Cornell. He said he would play air guitar and listen to the music. Howard said he has to dress up like a little rock and roll kid too. Chris said you can't dress him geeky like what happened to him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said it was an honor to be on the Stern show talking to Chris. He asked Chris about the song he wrote for Andy. Chris said the song was ''Say Hello to Heaven'' and that was the band Temple of the Dog.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that the Imagine song he did was the best performance since Lady Gaga. Howard said she did a great job. He asked Chris if he knows her music. Chris said she's a great singer and piano player.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Chris and Eddie Vedder ever got caught blowing each other. Chris jokingly said they never got caught. The caller said he heard Chris was the guy blowing Ed. Howard said he doesn't see Chris as the blower. Chris said that's just not a true story. He said he had never heard that rumor before.
Howard thanked Chris for his performances today. He said that you can get his album at iTunes and it'll be available on November 21st. Howard asked if he has a web site too. Chris said he has ChrisCornell.com. Howard said he must have had to pay big bucks for that. Chris said he actually didn't. It was available.
Howard asked Chris if he hated the part of the business where they had to make music videos. Chris said it was exciting at first. He said the cheap ones were just as good as the expensive ones though. He said they finally figured out to just find someone with a great vision and get out of their way. Howard said ''Black Hole Sun'' is a great one. Chris said that you can end up with a crappy one that lives on forever though.
Howard asked Chris how he knows when to change his look. Chris said he felt uncomfortable in 1991 and he shaved his head. He said he just felt like they looked like all of the other bands and he didn't like it. He said he had an identity crisis and figured he wasn't even supposed to think about that stuff. Howard said he thinks you do have to think about that stuff. Robin said Grunge was supposed to be the anti-rock though. Howard said those guys were like an army wearing the same kind of clothes.
Chris said that you can't wear anything that makes it look like you're trying to have a look. He said you try to avoid looking like you care about how you look. He said that look ended up being popular and it was in fashion houses all over the place.
Chris said he shaved his head and went in and wore the same clothes and he looked like a Nazi. He said that look didn't work. He said he had to change up his clothes with the new hair.
Howard thanked Chris for the great performance again today. He told him not to be a stranger. They went to break after that.
Howard asked Jon Hein to come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Howard said the Wrap Up Show has been on fire lately.
Robin said they still haven't gotten to the Ronnie tapes yet. Howard said they've just been too busy. Howard said he told Gary to clear the schedule after Thanksgiving so they can groove.
Howard said Ronnie has this new development deal and he's on the red carpet in L.A. and things like that. Howard said it's so weird that Ronnie is involved in show business now. He said he has a swagger about him now. Howard said this guy from Modern Family came in on the Wrap Up Show yesterday and both of them were bonding over their show business involvement. Howard played some audio from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Eric Stonestreet and Ronnie were talking and bonding.
Robin interrupted and said that it's news that Ronnie likes to write poetry. Howard cut it off and said he can't believe that. Howard asked to hear a poem. Ronnie said he writes them when he wants to. He said he's written poems to girls. Jon said Ronnie said that's his move. He does that instead of flowers. Ronnie said he does both. He sends flowers to work with a poem.
Howard said a poem to a girl is douchey. Ronnie said Howard has done that. Howard said he's written love letters but not poetry. Howard told him to bring some in. Ronnie said he'll do that.
Howard and Fred did impressions of Ronnie writing poetry for a few seconds before Howard got back to the discussion Ronnie and Eric Stonestreet had.
In that clip Ronnie and Eric were bragging about their wrestling and NASCAR friends. Eric had to ask Ronnie to stop yelling at him while they were talking about taking a NASCAR driving class.
Howard said Ronnie is more connected than anyone on the show all of a sudden. He said he thinks he's a great finder of talent. This is proof. Robin said Howard didn't even know he found this talent. Howard said you won't believe what Ronnie is up to out there. He said it's like Ronnie Fever. Ronnie said they just booked more dates for the Ronnie's Block Party. Howard said he thought for sure Shuli wasn't going to do another one of those.
Howard asked why they're doing them with Scott. Howard said Scott goes up with his cell phone and just stands there like a robot. Ronnie said Scott is annoyed by himself and he doesn't think that anyone likes him there. He said he has this feeling that everyone is against him. Howard said it's amazing that anyone will pay money to go see him.
Howard said if you go on stage you prepare something to say. He said Scott has nothing. He descried the scene as he saw it in the upcoming Howard TV special. Howard said that Ronnie is yelling at Scott and Scott just stands there. Shuli came in and said that he's drinking shots while they're up there doing their thing.
Howard said Scott is up there like wallpaper. Howard asked Shuli to write him some lines. He said just 5 lines would be fine. Shuli said Scott freaks out asking about them having a sound board and all he's doing is hooking up his phone to it. Ronnie said that Scott is going to get upset if he hears them doing this. He said that Scott seems to have forgotten where he works.
Shuli said he told Scott and Ronnie about the shows they have coming up and it was good news. He said that Scott got online and started to find everything that was wrong. He said he's doom and gloom.
Howard said he likes Scott. Scott came in and said that the phone he uses is goofy and that's the whole point of the whole thing. Howard said he has nothing to say though. Scott said he's not supposed to say a lot. Howard said Scott dancing is horrible and not funny horrible. Howard said Scott just stares at people too. Howard said when you're standing there with a cell phone it's nothing new.
Howard said if he was Scott he'd look up some jokes. Maybe some Henny Youngman jokes. He said that he should find a bunch just so he has something witty to say. He said he needs to do something other than what he's doing on stage. He said Scott and Ronnie have nothing to say to each other so Ronnie calls him a bald bastard. Howard said when you see this special you see Scott back stage meeting people who paid $35 to meet him. He said Scott eats the whole time and he won't stop. He said he has French fry grease on his hands and the people leave completely dejected. Howard said Scott will talk to Ronnie back stage saying ''Great show huh?''
Howard said Ronnie should talk about his TV show deal or something like that. Ronnie said he can't do that. He said he'll get booed if he talks about his TV show or anything like that. Howard said it's the worst show. He said that Ronnie will just make noise into the mic when he sees a woman take her top off.
Shuli said they're doing shows in Sacramento in April so he got a call from Eric the Midget. Shuli said that he wants to have Eric host the shows out there. He said that Ronnie can push him out on stage during the act so he can still be driving. Ronnie said he'll push him right off the stage.
Howard asked Scott if he gets the least bit ashamed when these things don't work out. He said he must have a mechanism that says ''I need something to do.'' Scott said if he asks Shuli and Ronnie what to do they'll just tell him he was great.
Howard said it's a horrible show. He said as bad as it is, when it's going slow he has to do something. He said Scott has to tell the crowd something and maybe do a puppet show or anything. Shuli said that everyone notices just how miserable he is when he's up there.
Shuli said Scott wanted to run down the audience and dance so he told him it was brilliant. Scott said he wanted to put him in a dunk tank. Shuli said he had a guy who was willing to bring down the dunk tank. He said Scott wanted to think about it. He said they'd have a huge line to line up and dunk him. Howard said Scott just stands there and he can't feel comfortable taking money for that. Scott said he does.
Howard said in one part they get done with the show and get back to the studio. He said Scott turns to Shuli and asks where his money is. He said that he comes to life when he wants his money. Howard said he figured he was going to tell Shuli he didn't deserve to be paid for how little he did. Howard said this special is the greatest thing. Howard said Shuli tells Scott that it wasn't like he got paid and didn't pay him. He was waiting for a check. Shuli said that he'd give him the money as soon as he got it. Scott was all worked up over not getting paid. Ronnie just sits there laughing.
Shuli said Scott comes to life about the money but he says nothing when Ronnie's mic doesn't work at another show in Philly.
Howard said Scott really needs to come up with something to do at those shows. He needs some kind of game plan. Howard said it's unbelievable.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that you can't blame Scott for asking for his money. That's obviously the only reason he's doing it. Ralph said there's really nothing else he can do. He said he can't be funny, he's just a bore. Ralph said you get what you pay for. You get to see these two idiots.
Scott said that you don't come to see him and Ronnie. you're there to see the comedians. Howard said maybe that's what he could ask at the show. He can get up and say ''Sir, why am I here?'' Howard said Howie Mandel used to go up on stage and say he had nothing to say and people laughed. He worked the crowd instead of doing material. Howard said Scott should steal Howie Mandel's act.
Ronnie said that he was hanging out with Howie the other day. He said he wanted him to come back and tell Howard to take that job.
Howard said Scott can't do ''Hands Up'' anymore. People didn't like that. Howard wished the guys luck. Ralph said ''Shame on you'' to Shuli who is just using these guys to book shows. Shuli said he's not ashamed of that.
Ronnie said that today is his 26th anniversary with Howard. Howard wished him happy anniversary. Howard let the guys go after that. He goofed on Scott for a couple more minutes. Howard let Jon Hein go after that too.
Robin said that CBS announced that Gayle King and Charlie Rose are going to be the new morning news team. Howard said they have a huge curse on them at the CBS morning news. Howard said they've tried 5 billion incarnations and none of them have worked.
Howard mentioned that they had a guy sitting in the studio. His name is Chuck Brenan. He said the guy won an auction to come in. Robin didn't even know that he had won the auction through her charity. Howard welcomed him to the show. Chuck said he got to see the Foo Fighters the other night and some other shows in the city. Howard said he didn't know that the Foo Fighters were around. Howard said he should be in that loop. Howard asked Chuck if he was a radio guy because he has a good voice. Chuck said he did some stuff in college.
Howard asked Chuck if he's a millionaire. He said he's doing well. Howard said it's too bad he's married or he'd hook him up with Robin. Chuck said that he's happy with his wife and kids. Chuck is doing well enough to have his own jet. Chuck said that it's just an 8 passenger. He said it's just a Citation II. Howard told him to forget it then. Howard said he must have gone to college. Chuck said that he did for a little while. He said he owned a rock club at 21 years old. He said that he was very entrepreneurial. He said he bought a roller skating rink in the mid-west and turned that into a rock club. He said all of his summer concerts got rained out and he went broke after that. He said he had to move home with his parents. He said he eventually got back on his feet and now he has 350 locations and a lot of employees working for him. Howard said that's all great but he wants to get out of there today.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read about Chelsea Handler staying at E!.
Robin said there's also going to be a Casey Anthony movie based on a book that her lawyer wrote.
Robin read about how Gabby Giffords beat Jerry Sandusky in the ratings from the other night. Howard said that's good news.
Howard took a call from a woman who said they should allow girl callers in when he has the hottest guy in America in the studio. Howard had no idea what she was talking about. The caller said that she was talking about Chris Cornell. Howard said next time he'll have more female callers when Chris is there.
Robin said that Bill Maher was on The View yesterday. Howard said he feels bad for the guy. He said he thinks he might owe him an apology of some sort. Robin said she loves his show and she promotes it all the time. Robin said he went on The View and he can't get a word out at all. Howard said Elisabeth took issue with him on the show. Robin said it got really uncomfortable. Barbara Walters had to calm Elisabeth down. Robin said that Bill was on Letterman last night and talked about that incident. Howard had a clip of Bill talking about that with Dave. They went to break after that.
After the break, around 10:05am, Robin got back to her news and read a story about Glenn Beck stepping in to help a women's shelter that lost federal funding. Robin said that the woman who runs it said that she got a call out of the blue telling her that she lost the funding for having mandatory bible studies. Robin had some audio of her talking about that. Howard said you know there's nothing more important than studying the bible when you're dead broke.
Robin read a story about adoption and how people who are adopted never really feel satisfied not knowing who their biological parents are. Howard said he knows of some people who are happy. Ralph is one of them. Howard said Ralph really doesn't care. He said he thinks that it just won't have a good outcome. Robin read about this woman who is going to get her hands on her original birth certificate. She's fought to get those papers and she wants to know where she comes from.
Ralph called in and said that he really thinks that his mom is his mom and he doesn't care who gave him up for adoption. He said Steve Jobs was adopted too. He said he just wanted to get that in there. Ralph said his mother chose to adopt him so he was chosen.
Howard said he thinks some people want to know for medical reasons. Ralph said that has crossed his mind but who really needs to know that? Robin said eventually they'll be able to tell you without knowing who you came from.
Ralph said that his adopted dad was awful but since he's not his biological dad he doesn't care. He said the guy just means absolutely nothing to him. He said it's easier to forget about him since he's not blood. Howard said Ralph has a bunch of letters from that guy and he refuses to read them. Ralph said he doesn't care what he has to say.
Robin read about a 9 year old girl who was pinned in a wrecked car for nearly two days. Robin said the car was crushed after it ran off a road and a passerby saw the car as they were walking by. Robin said they thought both passengers were dead but the 9 year old had been alive the whole time. Robin said she survived on Gatorade and some kind of snack cookie or cake. Robin said she didn't know that her father was dead the whole time. Robin had some audio of a police officer talking about how they found the girl. They found that she was eating Pop-Tarts and drinking Gatorade. Robin said they think the driver was moving at a very high rate of speed when he crashed. They had audio of the cop talking about how the car went airborne and he had to be speeding to get up that high.
Howard said he had a little boy in the studio who ate his brother. He was talking about Benjy. He had him saying he ate his brother. Howard gave up on that pretty quick.
Robin said the upcoming Black Friday will be starting early at some places. Robin said that they're going to open up on Thursday evening. Robin wondered who these people are that wait and trample each other trying to get these deals. Howard said he'd like to know that too. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about how happy she is that they're doing this.
Robin read about the Joe Paterno thing. Robin had some audio of some people talking about what's going on and why he was fired. Robin had some other people commenting on Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky. one of the people was Rosie Greer so Howard said people don't remember that he was in one of the greatest movies of all time. He was in ''The Man with Two Heads.'' Howard said that's one of his favorites.
Robin read about how a catholic priest is going to trial for covering up child molestation. Robin read the details of that case and played some audio of someone talking about it.
Robin said Rick Perry is back on the campaign trail. Howard said he should just give up now. He has no chance of winning. Robin said he's pushing for a complete overhaul of the government. Robin said he thinks government should be a part time body and some agencies should be scrapped completely. Robin said he also wants to take on planned parenthood. Howard said he just lost every chance of him voting for him just based on that alone.
Robin said the NBA lockout seems to be the most uninteresting story. She said the story just keeps going on that they're still negotiating and talks have broken down again. She said no one seems to care or even know what the arguments are about. Gary told Howard that when this was going on with football people were crying and pulling their hair out. He said no one seems to care about this.
Robin said that Mickey Rourke was on Piers Morgan's show talking about his ex-wife's new book. Robin had some audio of him talking to Piers about that.
Robin read about the final 3 on Dancing with the Stars. Robin said that Howard must be excited about finding out who the winner will be. Robin said Rikki Lake, J.R. and Rob Kardashian are the three remaining. Howard said Rob finally found his calling in life. He's actually good at dancing. Robin had some audio from the show that they played. They ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon mentioned Chris Cornell on the show today. Gary said that the music he did in the 90s is really recognizable but his face might not be that recognizable. He said he's got a very distinctive voice. They took a quick break before getting to the rest of the show.
After the break, around 10:35am, Jon and Gary came back and went over some more stuff they were going to cover and talked to Will about his Bromance with JD. Will said that JD does call him daddy. JD said he does not. Jon said that JD seems to come back for more even when Will gives him a hard time. JD said that he can take it and Will is funny. Will said that JD hits him at times too so he hits him back. He said that JD jokes around with him.
Will said that JD has this great shirt on. He said it says ''Karma'' on it. He said that they've memorized what it says on the back and it shows what each letter means...
Gary said he thinks that everyone in the office has a funny relationship. He said that Steve, Jason and Jon have a funny relationship about what they're going to eat each day. Burger King is never on the table. Jon said they get along very well too. He said JD is friendly with everyone. Will said JD doesn't like Jason. JD said that's not true.
Gary said that JD is so mellow and he seems to be very likable. Then you find out he doesn't like someone like Jared and he's very vocal about it. JD said that Jason can annoy him must like anyone else can. JD said that he can annoy people too. Jon didn't respond immediately so JD said ''Hello!?''
Jon asked JD if he thinks that Jason is annoyed by JD and Will's relationship. JD said he thinks he was. Will said there are times around there where you want to pull Jason's head off. He said he went through that with him for a long time.
Jon asked Will if he kept things bottled up inside about Jason. Will said that's what he did. He said if he doesn't like you he keeps it bottled up.
Jon asked Jason if he's still pretty tight with everyone. Jason said that he seems to get along with just about everybody. Gary asked if there's anyone he hasn't pissed off. Jason said that would be very hard to do. He said that even Gary has probably pissed him off at times and he loves Gary.
Jason said he hopes his friends know that it's just ''me being me'' and he doesn't piss them off too much. He said he's kind of jealous of the JD and Will relationship. He said that he and Will are pretty close but he thinks that JD doesn't put him on the same level as Will and Jon because he thinks that he's not better than him like Jon and Will are. He said it drives JD crazy when people pick him over JD in games they play there.
Jason said he's just there doing his job and he'd be happy for JD if something good happened to him or if something bad happened he'd feel bad. JD said that there have been times when every intern would pick Jason over him and he would be the kill. He said that it drove him crazy. Gary said that's because Jason befriends the interns.
Jon asked Benjy if he's put into that category too. JD said that Benjy gets F'd and Married sometimes. He said that he's the one who gets killed all the time. Jon asked Benjy if he resents the group he's competing against. Benjy said he would rather be in it with Jon and Will.
Jason said that no one wants to be at Scott Salem's table at a party. He said that you look at that then you know where you stand. He said they went to Fred's surprise party and they figured that Robin hated them. Will said he was at Scott's table at Howard's wedding and Jason wasn't. He said that really freaked him out.
Jon asked Gary if Howard has a Bromance with anyone there. Gary said he doesn't think it's him or Fred. Will said it could be JD or Richard Christy. Gary said it could be Jon Hein because he never yells at him and he's into the tech stuff with him. Jon said he thinks that Howard has a soft spot for JD. Gary said he thinks he sees him as a little brother. Gary said the one time everyone felt for him was the time he was mugged on the train for his iPod. They spent a minute going over that before going to break.
Jon said that Eric Stonestreet got upset with him yelling at everyone. Ronnie said he was just excited, he wasn't yelling.
Ronnie said they were talking about Kevin Harvick on the show yesterday. He said that he was walking down the street with Kevin one day and everyone was asking him for autographs and not Kevin. He said that's because Kevin isn't that popular up in New York. He said down south it would be the opposite.
Will said something to Ronnie and Ronnie said that Will is a very mean person and he could be yelling at people to get the fuck away from him.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked about Colin Quinn comparing Will to Ronnie. Will said he does have a problem with his anger but he's trying to work on that. Jon said that Ronnie has been very happy go lucky lately. He hasn't really gotten angry with anyone in a while. Ronnie said he really doesn't get angry.
Jon asked Ronnie about Scott the Engineer and why he thinks that he's getting all of this negativity from the guys there. Ronnie said that's the way he takes it. He said he's hurt by it. Ronnie said he could tell and it's really bad when Howard gets on him about it. He said Scott knows that Howard is going to make him look like an asshole.
Gary said the thing that's funny is that Howard has told Scott for months to come up with something to do at the shows. He hasn't done it yet. Benjy said he could do a slide show or something like that. He said he could have some pictures and make comments. Gary said he could, but he hasn't.
Jon said he thinks that Scott thinks he's playing a part but he's getting paid in the end so he's getting the last laugh.
Jon asked Gary about how he's gotten beaten up a lot on the show by Howard. Gary said that it doesn't feel good. He said he's gotten home and he doesn't feel good about it. He said you just deal with it and go back the next day. They had to end the show a short time later, at 11am.
In the clip Robin read about the Great American Smoke Out and Howard said that Fred had quit and he was very proud of him. He asked Fred how he quit and Fred said he had to do it cold turkey. He said it had been about a year and a half since he quit. Howard asked if he was lying. Howard then said he heard that he sneaks out to have cigarettes. Fred said he actually does. Howard asked why he feels free to do that in front of everyone but him and Robin. Howard said he heard he's been doing it since before Stuttering John got there. Gary came in and Howard asked him why he doesn't tell him about that. Gary said it's not his job to turn him in. He said he did know that he was smoking but he figured that Fred would tell him or he'd see him.
Howard said he can't believe Fred would lie like that. Fred said it was about February of this year that he fell back into it. He said that a bunch of crap happened at the same time and he got weak and got back into it.
Howard said he had his suspicions because he was running in and out of there. Fred said he has other reason for leaving too. Howard said he gets upset when he leaves and he can't get to the commercial breaks. Howard said he can't be doing that because it's affecting his job. Howard said he thinks he gets some kind of thrill from it.
Howard said it makes more sense to just admit to it like Jackie did when he was on his diet. He said Jackie just gave up and told everyone. Howard asked Jackie if he knew Fred was smoking. Jackie did know about it. It was just Robin and Howard who didn't know. Howard asked why he feels so uncomfortable with that. Fred said he didn't want him to over react. Howard figured that Fred holds things against him. Fred said that Howard is paranoid.
Howard said he and his wife were talking and he told her that Fred never tells him anything. He said he and Jackie will bitch about their wives and Fred won't say a thing. He said he just sits there and doesn't share stories.
Howard said Jackie will share stories about having sex with a one legged girl and Fred won't tell any stories. Howard said he'll top Jackie and then Jackie will top him again and Fred never gets into it. Howard said it would be nice male bonding if he did. Fred said they're working though. Howard said it's not mandatory. He said they talk dirty sex stories and they get ideas for the show.
Robin said she wondered who she could harass about smoking and Holly told her that she could harass Fred. She said that she heard that he smokes with John in that outer office. Howard said he must be heavily addicted again. Fred said he doesn't smoke that much at home. He said it's mostly at work.
Howard said he's not sure what it is about him that Fred doesn't trust. Fred said he's just a little critical of him.
Gary said when they were in London he was on a diet. He said he fell off the wagon one day over there and he ate a lot. Howard said Gary tells him a lot of stories like that. He said he heard that Gary was humping a girl through a party at the buffet at an event they were at. He said that kind of pisses him off.
Gary told Howard he went back to have some cookies at that party and he was jamming cookies in his face and Fred saw him doing it. He said he asked Fred if he wanted to come down and join him for a cigarette.
Howard said Fred must feel he's failing him in some way but he's really not. He said he doesn't have to hide this from him. He said as long as he shows up for work he's fine. He said he can blow his head off if he wants to.
Howard said he's the only one who isn't in on this whole thing. Howard said the only thing he's giving him a hard time about is hiding this from him.
Howard said he doesn't care if he smokes. He said that it's not so great going on living so why not just do it and get lung cancer. Gary said he never thought it would take 9 months for Fred to tell him about this.
Howard said he feels kind of hurt that he hides this stuff from him. He said he's really shocked and hurt over this. He said Fred feels he has to hide stuff from him. Howard said Robin really couldn't wait for him to bring this up today. He said Fred just keeps playing along with it and says it was easy to kick the habit. Howard said he feels bizarre about the whole thing. Howard said he thought he was sort of a neat guy but he's obviously not. Howard said he's one of the boys. Or maybe he's not. They had to go to break a short time later. Howard said Fred needs a cigarette.
Fred's Wife Up To Strange Things. 11/17/98. 6:25am
It sounds like Fred's wife Alison is up to her strange behavior once again. A few months ago she opened a second hand clothing store in Manhattan called Sunrise Ruby. She gets clothing worn by celebrities and sells it. She's been doing pretty good and just had some kind of Grand Opening last night. Fred was filling Howard in on the details when he told Howard the strange part. It turns out that Alison went into Fred's closet and took some of his clothing without telling him. She even took a brand new shirt that Fred hadn't worn yet. Howard couldn't understand why she'd try to sell a new shirt when she could just go out and buy some new shirts to sell. Howard said it's like Jackie's wife using Jackie's money with her band. It just doesn't make sense to him. While he was talking about it Gary told Howard that Alison was on the phone. She was half asleep when Howard picked up the phone. It turns out she was woken up by Stuttering John. Howard didn't ask him to do that so he flipped out and yelled at Gary for 5 minutes. After the yelling he spoke to Alison but it wasn't for long.
In the clip Howard had Ralph come in to plug some stuff. Howard pointed out some zits he had on his head. Ralph said they weren't zits. Stuttering John said they might just be lumps on his head. Howard said they look like bolts sticking out on his forehead.
Ralph was looking for an apartment so he was asking the fans for help finding something. Ralph said he's looking for loft space in the Jersey City or Hoboken area. Ralph said he got some calls the last time he put out this plea and they could work out. He said that he can afford about $800-1,200 a month. He said it depends on if he gets a roommate or not. Ralph said he doesn't smoke and he doesn't have pets.
Howard gave Stuttering John a plug for an appearance he's making. Ralph told Howard he went to Scores last night and he wasn't allowed in. He said he told the guy he was from the Stern Show and the guy said that Howard Stern is a dirtbag too. Howard asked Ralph why he uses his name like that. He said that's not cool. He said he doesn't work on the show. He said he can't go around dropping his name.
Howard told Ralph that he can't drop his name anymore. He said that Ralph left a message for him at home and he was saying stuff about digital manipulation and his kids can hear that stuff. Howard said Ralph has to calm down with that stuff or he'll kick him out of his life.
Howard told Ralph when he feels like dropping his name, just don't do it. Howard said if he doesn't bring up his name he won't get dissed. Howard said that's not cool. Gary asked Ralph not to trash them because they're working with them on something. Ralph said he can trash them if he wants. He said the guy was being a dick. Howard said Ralph looks dirty and the guy just didn't want to let him in. Howard asked Ralph if he uses him so he can mention his name and get into strip clubs.
Ralph was talking about how smart he was so Gary wanted to challenge him to an IQ test. Gary wanted to put up 5 grand saying he was smarter than Ralph. Howard said he guarantees Gary will beat him. Gary said he thinks that he can beat him because he had an 1190 on his SAT. Ralph didn't go to college. Howard said his SATs were probably 400.
Howard took a call from producer Kevin who wanted in on the bet. He said that he would match the 5 grand. Ralph said Kevin can't afford that. Kevin said Ralph can't even afford to live in New York. Ralph said he can beat Kevin. Everyone was getting in on the action and putting money up against Ralph.
Ronnie the Limo Driver called in and said he told Howard Ralph is a user. He said he warned him about it and now you can see he was right. John said that Ronnie said Ralph has been a user all his life. Ronnie said those people are very nice over there at Scores. He said if he wanted to get in then he could have just had someone make a call. He said that's not the way to operate by throwing names around. Howard had to end it a short time later.
Tissue Time For Howard. 11/17/05. 6:30am
Howard woke up at about 1 in the morning last night and he had to figure out a way to get some sleep. He was going to eat instead of taking Ambien because he heard that it can make you forgetful. He didn't want to start forgetting stuff as he's trying to promote the new shows. He said he ate some food and went on his computer to see what was going on. He ended up getting upset that the pictures of Heidi Cortez weren't on there.
Howard loaded up some audio from the Heidi Cortez show on his iPod and started to listen to that. He was also looking at her pictures and ended up getting turned on by it. That led to him pleasuring himself to the Tissue Tom with Heidi Cortez show since Beth was asleep. He didn't want to wake her up by making noise doing that.
Howard described how he was wearing his iPod with his ear buds in and how the cord was all tangled up. He was afraid that he was going to wake someone so he had to keep one ear bud out so he could hear if Beth woke up. He asked that the news team not call Beth for a comment on this today and to give him a break.
Howard said he was in the bathroom with the one ear bud in with the iPod tucked into his underpants. He was standing there and pulling up his underpants to get to his junk. Then he had to turn down the iPod because it was too loud and that turned into a whole ordeal. He tried not to look in the mirror of the bathroom because he knows how ridiculous he looks.
Howard said once Heidi got into her moaning, he was done in 2 seconds. Then he looked at himself and got disgusted with himself. He's 51 years old with 3 kids and that's what he's busy doing at 1:30 in the morning. Then he thought about how great the Heidi Cortez show was because it actually worked for him. He didn't bother to clean up after that, he just flushed his tissues and put his underpants on. He had to change them this morning because of the mess he'd made. He finished up that story and went to commercial.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who described the two different types of black people out there. Howard asked what type he was. He said he was a negro and not a nig*er. The guy told Howard he's ''The King of the Blacks'' and he wants to come on the show. Howard said he'd like him to keep calling in as a representative of the blacks. King said that Howard didn't sign his book right. He said it was just a line and another line. He asked if he could get it signed again. Howard said he absolutely can.
Howard told King to come down the next day so he could meet him. King said he was serious and he would come down. Howard asked what he does for a living. King said he works for Sanitation. He said he got off work at 5am so that's why he's not working now. Howard kept thanking him for the call but King wouldn't get off the line. Howard eventually hung up.
In the clip Howard was taking phone calls for his guest and Fred was in the back room calling in as Mrs. Flemstein. He was talking to Ian Flemming about what a fan of Jethro Tull she is. Fred had a bunch of history about the band and asked a bunch of questions. Fred said that this guy Martin is great and it's too bad he's not in the band anymore. Howard said he is in the band and he's just lost weight. Fred asked if Ian is starving him and making him carry his own equipment. He said if he is then he's a cheap, leg humping bastard. Fred continued asking questions as Mrs. Flemstein and goofing around about Martin's weight for a minute before Howard said he had to take other calls. Everyone was cracking up after hearing that.
Howard took a couple of calls and Fred was on again doing a Stuttering John impression. He was stuttering and asking questions claiming that he had friends snickering at him and he thinks it's from his diet of protein, vegetables and other things. Howard asked Martin if he's on a diet like that. Martin said he does a lot of sit-ups and things like that.
Howard hung up on Fred again and took some other calls but quickly gave up on them after one rambling guy was going on and on about the music scene changing over the past few years.
In the clip Howard was doing his Andy Rooney bit and wondered about the death of Mama Cass. He also brought up breakfast cereal and how he read about how most breakfast cereals have less nutrients than the cardboard boxes they're contained in. He said maybe they should just eat the boxes. Howard pretended to eat the box as Andy Rooney. He said he had milk right there to put the cardboard in. He had sound effects for the pouring of the milk and chewing sounds for eating it. Howard came out of the character and said he didn't have a punch line for the bit.
In the clip Howard had the guys bring Bob in and then he asked him what his real name is. His real name is George Harvey but he can't say Harvey so he just says Bob. Howard asked Bob about what he did before the crack stroke happened. Bob said he used to work in flooring. He wasn't able to read even before the stroke though. Howard said he had a wife and kids though.
Howard said he's going to try and find Bob a girl. He said he's not a bad looking guy. Howard said the one thing about him is that he has some money. He said he has an apartment. Bob said it's an okay apartment. Howard told him to say it's a nice apartment. Bob tried saying that and it came out kind of jumbled.
Howard asked Bobo how old he is. He has to count it out and came up with one, two, THREE... and one, two, three, four, five, SIX. That probably meant he was 36.
Howard said before Bob stroked out he had a wife and kids and he was doing okay. Bob said he's doing better now. Howard asked if he would advise people not to do crack. Bob said no. Howard asked if he was saying no to advising people not to do crack or no, don't do crack. Bob said don't do crack. Howard said this is what crack can do to you. Robin said Bob was smoking even when he was passing out.
Howard said he's going to try and get Bob a date. Gary told Howard he has Bob's sister on the phone. She told Howard that Bob's middle name was Robert so that's where he got Bob from. He said that he was in treatment programs and everything else before the stroke. She said they tried to get him off the crack. She said that he is a good person though. She said that his wife left him after the stroke. She said he still has family. She said his wife ended up with their landlord. Howard asked if he tried to get her back. Bob said he didn't. He said he still sees the kids. He gets to see them on the weekends.
Howard said it must be tough. Bob said he does what he's gotta do. Howard asked if the kids beat him in Scrabble and stuff. He didn't say but he did say his kids are (Didina and Dobert) Christina and Robert.
Howard told Bob he's going to get him a broad. He said he may not get him laid but he will get him a date. He said he's taking pity on him and that's why he's doing this. Bob pretended to cry.
Howard told the women listening that he's not fat. He said Bob's face is maybe a 6 out of 10. Robin said she wouldn't go that high. Howard said he's a 5 then. Howard said he looks kind of like Robbie Benson.
Howard said he's going to just plunk down the phones and see who he gets. The first caller was a woman. She said she walks with a cane. Howard said that sounds okay. Howard said if she's just goofing around then he won't take her. She said she's black too. Bob said that's okay. Howard said it would be very cruel if she backs out on him. She said she was for real though. Howard asked if it's hard for her to find men. She said it is because she's only 24 and she walks with a cane. She's kind of overweight and she's a size 18-20. Howard asked Bob if he was okay with that. Bob said that's okay with him. Howard said that's smart. Howard said so far they have a fat black chick who is a cripple.
Howard asked what this caller weighs. She said she's around 200. She said she's 5'4'' inches tall or so. Howard asked how she ended up with the cane. She said she hurt her back.
Howard asked the woman if she has big breasts. He figured she did since she's fat. She said she does. Robin asked when she had a boyfriend last. She said it was about 4 years ago. Bob said it's been about 5 years for him. Bob said something to her but it was hard to understand. Howard said this is going to be a fun date. He said this woman is going to have a good time trying to figure out what he's saying.
Howard asked if she was up for it. Howard said he wants to make sure that she's really into it. Howard put her on hold so they could give her a call back to find out if she's serious. Howard said he just asks that they not procreate. The caller said she doesn't want kids. Bob said ''Me too.''
Howard said he thinks that he found Bob a good date. Bob asked if that's it. Howard said he found him a woman. Howard said he knows he wants to choose from more women but that was a million to one shot of finding someone so quick.
Howard took a call from another woman who said she wasn't interested in that weirdo. Howard took another call from a guy who said he has a girl for him. She wasn't there though. Another caller said ''Bring back Billy West!'' Howard said he will.
Howard said this woman is about the best they're going to do. Howard got her back on the line and Bob asked what they're going to do. Howard said they're going to do whatever people do. Howard said they're both horny so they'll see what happens.
Howard asked if the woman can cut her own food. She said she can do that for her and for Bob. Howard told Bob he should stick a pen in his dead hand like Bob Dole. They stuck one in there. Howard said he looks like Bob Dole with that in there.
Howard said Bob isn't a bad guy. He said that Bob has to behave himself. The woman said that she'll beat him with her cane if he doesn't behave.
Bob told the woman that he would like to meet her and they can read Howard's book or something like that. Howard said Bob isn't a bad looking guy. He said the caller, Vicky, might have to carry the conversation. Howard asked if she minded being called Bob. Howard asked him to say her name. Bob said ''Dicky.'' Howard and the guys got some laughs from that. Howard said that's fine. Jackie said it was perfect. Howard said that's romantic. He has a woman who can stick by him now.
Howard said this woman is nothing to look at. She claimed to be a model at some point in her life. She said she's not a hunchback or anything like that.
Howard said they're going to make some couple. Howard asked if Vicky used to model for pancake boxes. She laughed and said that's not what she did.
Howard said that Bob is bald but he can pull it off with his head. Howard congratulated the two of them and said they'll set up the date soon.
Howard asked Vicky how she fell. She said someone pulled a chair from under her and she hurt her back. Howard said she must work at Jackie the Jokeman's Jokeland. Vicky said she was a bookkeeper and someone did it as a joke and it was really just an accident. Howard put her on hold and said that was the beautiful ''Dicky.'' Howard said that was a miracle what he just did for Bob. He found him a date on the first call he took.
Howard asked Bob when he last had a date. Bob said it was 5 years ago. Howard told Bob this one should be okay for him. Gary came in and said that they're all set and they'll get the two of them out. He said he'll be the chaperone. Gary said that she's looking forward to it too.
Bob said he wants a phone number. Howard asked whose phone number he wants. Bob was having trouble telling him what he wanted. Bob said he wants to sue someone. Gary figured he wanted Dominic Barbara's number. Bob said that's it. He had trouble telling them what he wanted to sue over though. Bob said 4 years ago, after the stroke... He gave up on trying to tell the story. He said he just wants the phone number.
Howard said he got Bob a date and he owes him for the rest of his life. Howard said he hopes that he has good luck with ''Dicky.'' He had to go to break a short time later.
The Medicated Pete Dating Game. 11/17/09. 7:40am
Howard got to the Medicated Pete dating game. He said that they have Medicated Pete coming in to meet 3 girls who were already set up in the studio. Howard had Pete come in after that. He was looking down at the floor and not at the girls. Pete eventually looked at them and asked what was up. Howard said that Pete has Tourettes and he was having a hard time today.
First up was Dynah who said that she thinks that Pete is a cool guy and he looked good. Next up was Chris who said that he was a lot better looking in person and she has no problem with his Tourettes. They also had Lila there so she said a quick hello to him and told him he looked cute. She said she liked the fringe on his jeans.
Howard said he was going to go through the girls one at a time and started with Dynah. Howard described what she looked like and asked what size her boobs were. She said they were an A-cup but she said she has something there when she takes her shirt off. She's in a wheelchair and she has really bad balance problems. She has a thing called fredrix ataxia. Howard asked how many people have that. She said it's about 1 in 50,000 people who have it. She said that it's a genetic thing and she was diagnosed with it at 19. She said that it is a progressive thing but she's been doing okay for a while now. She said that it can lead to the person becoming dependant on someone else to help them out.
Howard asked Dynah if she was turned off by Pete's story about dropping his load in his pants at Rick's. She said she wasn't bothered by that. She said she understands how that could happen. Howard asked if she's excited about trying to help Pete get out of his shell. She said that it is kind of cool. Howard asked her when she last had sex. She said it was a few months ago when she went to a happy hour at a bar. Howard said she looks like she's in shape. She said she's a vegan so that helps.
Howard asked about meeting this guy at happy hour and how that all worked out. She said she and some other people were hanging out drinking and she drove him home that night. She said that they went to his place and she had to get up his stairs to get to the apartment. She said she had to bump herself up the stairs to get there. Pete said there's something to that. He seemed to like that. Howard asked if Dynah can undress herself. She said she can do that. Howard asked her about the guy and what they were doing and Robin asked if Pete really wants to hear this. Howard said it doesn't matter what Pete wants to hear. Howard asked if the guy was as handsome as Pete was. She said he was.
Howard asked Dynah about what went down with the guy and what kind of sex they were doing. Dynah said it was typical for the first time sex that people have. She said that she didn't want to step out of her comfort zone.
As the conversation was going on Pete was making more and more noises. He was sniffing and making odd sounds as Howard was talking to Dynah. Pete asked Dynah what she thought about him so far. She said that she would like to learn more about him. She said that he seemed cool but she thinks that he might need to be coaxed out of his shell more. Howard said that he's kind of out of his element but once he opens up he'll be fine.
Pete asked Dynah what kind of music she likes. She said she likes Queen a lot. Pete said that works because he likes classic rock and U2 as well. Howard asked Dynah if she would be turned off if Pete asked her to pay for the date. She said it depends on the way the guy says it. Howard asked her if she can see herself sleeping with him. She said he seems like an awesome guy so maybe.
Howard asked Dynah if she's looking for a boyfriend. He said Pete is looking for something long term. She said she can see that happening. Howard asked if she has guys bailing on her all the time. She said that she has had long term relationships that have lasted a couple of years. She said that guys do bail but that might be guys being guys.
Howard moved on to the next girl and spoke to Chris. Howard said he likes her hair because it's long and flowing. Chris just got out of jail on July 3rd. Howard said she's kind of heavy set. She said she put on a lot in jail. She said all they feed you is carbs. She said it's horrible food and it has tons of carbs. Howard asked Pete if he likes women with some meat on her bones. Pete said he's got no problem with it at all. He said it doesn't bother him. Chris said that made her happy. Howard said that she may lose it. She said she definitely will. Howard said she's also local to them. Dynah is from Philly so she's a little further away. Pete is from Red Bank, New Jersey though so he's not too far from Dynah either.
Howard said Chris served 8 months in Riker's island for stealing money from her boss. She said that it was a little over $8,000. She said that she worked as an office manager for an engineering firm and she was in charge of the books. She had a big gambling problem and she was writing checks. She said that she was into cards and craps so she had some problems. Chris said she did a lot of online gambling and it was the worst. She said that she had the checks and she would write checks to herself and put them in her account. She said she started to pay it back but then got into debt and wasn't able to pay it back. Pete didn't seem to have a problem with what she did. Chris said she feels really bad about what she did and she wrote a 3 page letter to her boss apologizing for what she did.
Howard said that Chris served her time. She said that it's hard to get a job now. She said that she's done some freelance web design but she's had some trouble finding a regular job. Howard said Chris doesn't seem like the kind of person that would steal. She said she has learned her lesson and would never do that again. Howard asked if she had ever stolen before. She said that she hadn't done anything like that. She said when she was younger she may have shop lifted. That was when she was much younger.
Howard asked Pete if he has ever stolen. Pete said he stole gum when he was a kid but that was about it. He asked Chris how it was in jail. She said that she had some issues with some of the girls. She said that they had a problem with her because she was white. She said that they just didn't like that she was white and that was it. She said that most of the women weren't white so she stood out. Robin asked what she had to do to cope with that. Chris said she had to keep to herself. She said she didn't have to fight. She said she was pushed once but before it got any further an officer broke it up. Howard was doing a black accent and asking if she had to do that in jail. She said she didn't have to do that and when she saw Pete doing an accent she said that he was very cute. Howard said it was like love happening there.
Howard asked Chris what she did for sex while she was there. She said she didn't get horny there. She said there were some women having sex there though. She said that she didn't do that but it was going on. She said those girls were hard core.
Howard asked when she last had sex. She said it's been over a year. She said that she was liking Pete more and more as this was going on. Howard said he was the same way with Pete. He said that he grew on him.
Howard asked what a good date would be with Pete. She said she'd like a carriage ride and maybe a comedy show. She said that maybe they could go out for some drinks and see what happens from there. She said that she wouldn't be wearing any negligee though. She said she has to loose like 100 pounds or so. Howard asked if she's into anal. She said no to that. She said she likes oral. She said she likes giving better than receiving. Howard said that's a great answer. Howard asked if her weight has something to do with that. She said she's very clean but she was never really into that. She said some people think she's crazy but she's never been into getting oral.
Howard asked Dynah if she likes giving it. She said she likes getting it better than giving it but she's okay with giving. Howard asked Chris if she swallows. She said she'd gag and vomit.
Howard let Pete ask Chris some questions. Pete said he didn't know what to ask. He said he was all out of questions. She kept saying he was cute the whole time.
Howard said that Lila was up next. She's a little person and she's very cute according to Howard. Howard asked if she's ever had a long term relationship. She said she had one from 18 to 26 and it was wonderful. She said that it was great but they drifted apart. She said that she'll love him forever. Howard said that Lila has a pretty face and she has some big breasts. She said that she's 3'11'' tall. Pete is 5'6'' tall. Pete asked her how she feels about being with someone that tall. Lila said that's how it's supposed to be. She said that the guy should be taller and stronger.
Howard asked Lila if she's been told she looks like Jenny McCarthy. She said she doesn't get that much. She told Pete she thinks he's sexy. She said that she last had a man before July. She said that on Sunday she had a big dinner with friends and there were 13 of them and she had a friend there that was her date for the evening. She said she had some vodka tonics and he gave her a birthday present at her place. She said that he's a normal sized person and it had been a long time before that.
Howard asked Lila if she likes anal. She said that you have to trust the guy and she can't do it with someone who is new. She said that she might trust Pete eventually. Howard asked her how she fell for Pete. She said she heard him on the air and said that he sounded like a nice guy and she emailed the show to ask to be a part of this.
Howard asked Pete if he had any questions for Lila. Pete said he didn't think so. He was trying to think of something but he didn't have much. Pete asked her what she'd like to do on a date. She said she likes music and they could go out and do some Karaoke. She said she's also into Queen and went out as Freddy Mercury on Halloween.
Howard asked if sex is easy for her to do being a little person. She said it can be kind of tough but she said that it shouldn't be that tough. Howard asked Pete if he had another question for her or was it just his Tourettes acting up. Pete said it was just a moment.
Howard asked Lila who she would pick between Chris and Dynah. She said she would pick Dynah only because she understands a little more about adversity. She said that she hates being referred to as ''so cute'' when she's a woman at 31. She said that she doesn't think that's cute saying that. She said that she's seeing that from a different perspective. Chris said she thinks that Lila is beautiful. Pete said he was okay with the ''cute'' references.
Howard asked Chris who she thinks that Pete should pick over Dynah and Lila. She said that she'd go with Lila. Howard asked Dynah who she thinks he should go with if it's not her. She said that was tough. She said that they're all good.
Howard said that they got to know them all and they were all very nice. Howard said that Pete can only pick one though. He told Pete he has to make the choice himself. Pete said this was very interesting. He said that he might need a pep talk. Howard said he was going to talk to him man to man. He has 3 girls there and they all have positives and negatives. Howard told Pete what he liked about Dynah and said that he liked her look and she was no bullshit artist. He said she's going to be a lawyer. He said that Chris had some issues with the whole stealing thing. Howard said that she seems to be over that now though. Howard said that Lila has a great face, great hair and great boobs. Howard said they all have something to offer. Robin said that it depends on what Pete is feeling. Howard said he knows who he would go out with but he's not going to say. He said that he wants Pete to make that decision on his own.
Howard asked the girls if they were all ready to go out with Pete and if anyone wanted to back out. They were all into him and ready to go. Howard said he wanted to make sure that he has a shot at romance. Howard said that they swear they're into him and that doesn't mean it's going to lead to sex. Pete said he knows that.
Pete said he feels he has a connection with one of the girls already. Howard told him not to say it yet. He asked Pete if it's a tall, large nosed man. He asked Fred what he thought about all of this. Fred said he can't make a mistake with any of the three. He said they all have good qualities and it depends on what Pete is into. He said that he doesn't think that Chris would keep him around if she lost her weight. She said that's not true at all. She said she'd like to get to know Pete.
Howard said the one good thing about Dynah is that you get a great handicapped parking spot. Lila said she gets the same thing. She said she gets to go to the front of the line too. Howard said they think she has it tough and she really doesn't. Chris isn't allowed to vote.
Howard asked if the girls like to be spanked. Lila said she does. Dynah said she is if it's the right moment. Chris was into it too. Howard asked if anyone is into gun play. He was just joking about that though.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks about this. Robin said it's all up to Pete but like Fred said, he can't go wrong with any of the 3. Artie said that it would be great if they could combine the 3 and have just one overweight midget in a wheelchair.
Howard asked Pete what he was thinking. Pete said with all due respect to all 3, he was going to pick Dynah. Howard said that was contestant number one in the wheelchair. Howard said that she just wheeled out of there. Dynah said that she was shocked. Pete said he felt he had a connection with her. He said that with the disability thing he feels that he can relate to her. Pete said that's the way he's going to put it.
Robin told Pete to say something to her. Pete said that he chose her because he can relate to her having a disability and that's why he picked her. Howard said that Lila and Chris can bad mouth him now. Lila said she has a disability too and she's looking to be have a relationship. She said that she hopes that it works out for him. Howard asked what was wrong with Chris. Pete said it was nothing at all. He said there was nothing wrong with her at all. Chris said she's happy for him with his choice.
Howard said he had to say something about Dynah. He said that she is very sexy. Howard said that he has to calm down and told him not to blow it with her. Pete said he's going to try. Howard told him to treat her like a princess.
Howard asked Pete if he's already in love with her. Pete said ''yeah!'' Howard asked if he feels love at first sight. Pete said she's very attractive and he has that thing. Howard said that thing is a boner.
Howard said he wishes that he had a prize for the girls. He had a $711 prize that they could split. He gave that to the two who didn't win.
Robin said that they looked very cute together. Pete was staring at Dynah and he said that was his Tourettes kicking in again. Howard asked if Pete should wheel her around. She said she might need help at times but most of the time she's good to go herself. She said she doesn't need him to push her all the time. She said she'll ask him when she needs him to help.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that he would have went with Lila. Howard asked Lila if Jeff could have her number. She said that he was a little too old for her. Howard asked Dynah if she goes for girls at all. She said she's not into that.
another caller said that they must not like Pete. He said that they gave him a choice between a midget, a fatso and a cripple. He said he was just kidding about that but Howard said this guy would be happy with any of the three. Another caller said Pete made the right choice and told him to stick with her and he'd be rolling in dough when she becomes a lawyer.
The caller also pointed out that Pete was sniffling a lot with the Tourettes. Gary said that Pete and Dynah will be going to a Western place and they may be riding a mechanical bull. Pete said Dynah may have a problem with that. She said that she'd figure it out.
Howard said they have Billy Crystal coming in to talk to them. Howard said he's in the green room waiting to come in. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
In the clip Howard was talking to Donna Feducia and Susan Berkley in the studio. Donna was telling Howard about some of the stuff Susan has done in her career and Howard didn't know about them. Howard asked Susan if she felt bad about quitting the show now that she has to come on and sing a song to get back on. Donna interrupted and said that there is excellent news from Philly. She said they found that Howard had already gone up on the ratings in a very short period of time down there. She said he was third in the morning from just being on for about 6 weeks. She said they shot up in the ratings on WYSP very quickly.
Howard said that was very good news. He said he thought they weren't paying attention to them down there. Howard said he wants to get that zoo guy into check down there. Howard said he keeps banning people from his show and once they get to be number one they'll have all of those people on and he won't.
Howard told Susan she has to perform this song now. She didn't want to do it but Howard told her she had to. Susan tried singing but she didn't last long. Howard and Robin told her she had to keep going or they wouldn't let her on the air. Susan kept going and sang the song they wrote for her. She kept stopping and laughing so Howard said she's off the show.
Howard said if she doesn't sing it right she's off the show. He had her start all over again... a few times.
Howard let her off the hook eventually. Howard said she might have the job there doing the traffic. Howard said next time she quits she's not coming back. Howard let her do her traffic report and said she has earned her way back on. Howard said he hopes that she doesn't keep calling and quitting. Howard sang another song that they wrote for Susan. Fred helped out with that one.
In the clip Howard had Ian on the phone just a week after his first appearance on the show. Howard said the guy is such a douche. Ian was going on and on about Howard's writing and what he thinks about that.
Howard asked Ian if he had to sleep in his mother's bed. Ian didn't say no. He said that has nothing to do with this. Howard said he can't go through this with him again. Ian said he's going to make his point. Howard asked if his parents are proud of him. Ian didn't answer any questions immediately. he'd ramble for a few seconds and eventually get to the answer.
Howard asked Ian if his father is a lesbian. Ian said no. Ian went on to say that Howard is going to trip over a pebble on his trip to the moon. Howard said he has a TV show meeting today and a movie meeting today. He said he'll be fine.
Howard said this guy envies him. Ian said he does not. Howard said there are a lot of people who envy him and don't admit it. Howard asked if he saw his grandfather rape his father with a wrench or something when he was a kid. Ian laughed. Howard said he'd bet that something like that happened. Howard said Ian should read his book. He said he's a winner and Ian is a loser. Ian asked how he can categorize him like that. Howard said he just listens to his show and all he can do is think about him. He calls the show every morning. Stuttering John said he calls at least 10 times every morning.
Jon said that he just rambles on the phone so much that he can put him on hold, picks up 5 minutes later and says ''go on'' and puts him on hold again. He'll just keep talking and talking.
Howard tried to get Ian off the phone but Ian would just keep talking and asking questions. He asked why he was so nice to Bob Hope and not Uncle Miltie. Howard said if he wants to meet for lunch today he'll meet him if he promises never to call again. He said he'll be at a comedy club at 12:30. Ian just kept rambling on.
Howard asked Ian why he won't let anyone see what he looks like. Ian kept rambling. Howard said he can put him on with another caller and let him talk to that person. Howard put Ian on with another caller. All Howard had to do was say a couple of words to get Ian going. He wound him up and said he could probably do this for 5 hours. Howard muted their voices so Ian couldn't hear them. Then Howard put another caller on the line and let that guy go off on Ian. The guy told him to get off the line. Ian said he didn't even know who he was talking to. The caller said he's another caller. Howard and the guys were all laughing. Howard said this is like an insane asylum. The caller told Ian that he was talking with himself and he should shut up. Ian kept talking. The caller kept telling him to hang up and go home.
Ian asked if he was ready to close the chapter. The caller said he didn't know what he was talking about. Ian said he's had it with Howard and his philosophy. The caller said he's had it with Ian. Howard said these two guys have nothing in common. The caller kept asking what the hell he was talking about. Ian told him to forget what he's talking about. He kept going on and on talking about Stuttering John and stuff like that.
Ian knew he wasn't talking to Howard. He wanted to know who he was talking to. The caller said he's from Las Vegas and it's none of his business who he is. Ian started rambling again and kept talking to the guy but the guy didn't understand why he was talking to him.
Howard said he just wanted to say that he has to hang up. He said he has a ton more show to do and he has to go. Ian was still rambling. Howard tried to get rid of him again. He told him to just say goodbye. Ian told Howard to say goodbye. Ian said he should grow up and be a man and not be a stupid idiot.
Howard asked how old Ian is. Ian didn't answer. He said he used to like Howard but he doesn't like him now. Howard couldn't get him to answer his questions but he would answer Ian's questions. Howard eventually had to hang up on him.
In the clip Robin read the story about Frank Sinatra getting out of the hospital and Howard quickly asked for the song parody that they had about him. Fred sang the parody about Frank having a colostomy bag to the tune of ''New York, New York.'' Howard said he had to bleep him off. He said his song was getting a little too dirty. Howard took over but he stopped and said that it was the filthiest thing he had ever read.
Alexis Plays ''Who Wants To Be A Turkish Millionaire.'' 11/17/99. 7:40am
This stripper Alexis called Howard and said she has implants that everyone says don't look fake. She came in this morning to show them to Howard to see if he thinks they look real. Alexis came in and took her top off right away. Howard immediately said they don't look real at all. Jackie said they looked painful. Both Gary and Robin also chimed in and said they don't look anywhere near real. Gary pointed out that they look shiny and like a road map.. with all of the veins being very noticeable. She's had them since last January so they've had time to settle in but Gary said they just don't sit right. She went from a C-cup to a DD because she wanted to pump them up after they sagged. She claimed to be a young 23 but when Howard heard that he muttered ''twenty seven'' under his breath. He said he was kidding of course. She also said that she paid $5130 for the implants. Howard didn't understand the $30 tacked on to the end of it. Jackie said it was for the Doctors plane ticket out of town. Howard asked to see the rest of her body so she showed off her thong. That's when everyone noticed the stretch marks, and lots of them. ''There's nothing the Doctors can do'' Alexis claimed. Howard told her she should dance for Ray Charles or Jose Feliciano. She said that people at the clubs tell her they look real. They're probably just trying to pick her up.
Howard got around to playing ''Who Wants To Be A Turkish Millionaire'' with Alexis. Here are her questions:
In this clip Robin read about the Great American Smoke Out and Howard and Fred immediately started doing their Scott the Engineer impressions. Howard was saying that Scott will be chewing tobacco instead of smoking today. Howard said if Scott doesn't get in there he's not going to defend him next time Tom wants to fire him.
Scott came in and said he had no idea it was the Great American Smoke Out. He said he was back there smoking this morning. Howard said he's a mess. He said he smokes like a chimney plus he's fat and bald. Howard told him to put his arms over his head and it'll look like he's got hair.
Howard asked Scott if he's even thinking about quitting. Scott said he does think about it. Howard said it looks like his lip got caught on a cigarette and he ripped it. Scott said he has done that but not recently. Howard said there is a god and he is a ball breaker.
The Singing Psychic Calls In With Predictions. 11/17/99. 8:50am
Earlier in the show Howard pointed out that the Singing Psychic, Fran Baskerville, actually predicted Howard's separation.. well, not exactly. When she was on last January she predicted that someone on the show would get a divorce and thought that it would be Fred. She was off a little bit but Howard gave her credit for it anyway. She also predicted that Howard would cheat on his wife. He hasn't done that but it might not be far off before he starts dating after his separation. Fran gave a few new predictions today. She thinks that Howard will eventually get a full divorce from Alison. She also sang some predictions that were unintelligible because her phone sounded like crap. Howard had her repeat one prediction about 5 times before Fred caught on to what she was singing about. She said that Howard will audition women to sleep with and will have a hot sex life. She also predicted that there will be no problems with the Y2K bug. She predicts that the Egypt Air flight that crashed was sabotaged as well as JFK Jr.'s flight. She thinks that both had their computers messed with and that's what caused them to crash. Howard had her make a prediction for the upcoming Super Bowl. She sang, or mumbled over the phone, that the Dallas Cowboys will beat the Miami Dolphins in the Super Bowl. She said that the Dolphins will have their quarterbacks out on injuries. For more info on Fran you can visit her web site at SingingPsychic.com
Women Vomit To Win A Trip To Vegas. 11/17/05. 9:05am
After the break Howard had the guys bring in Paul Fishbein from Adult Video News and porn star Jesse Jane. Howard told her how gorgeous she is. The last time they talked to her, they were discussing how she had been with Kid Rock. He found out that Jesse just got married and that kind of ruined things for him. He said that porno chicks always end up marrying guys in the porn industry and it's kind of a weird thing. Jesse said she never thought that would happen but she found that other guys couldn't handle the pressure of the business.
Jesse got in some plugs for her latest movie ''Pirates'' and mentioned that they had the ship from Pirates of the Caribbean. Howard said that he could shoot a video in a $200 hotel room and sell just as many videos as a big production film like that. Jesse said that there are people out there who are looking to see adult movies with story lines though.
Howard talked to Jesse about how she's making money because these porn movies can't be paying all that much. She said that she does dance and stuff but she's no millionaire. Jesse said that she's working on a bunch of things right now and she is making good money. She was asked if she would sleep with a guy if she was offered a million bucks. She said she was once offered $200,000 and turned that down because she doesn't want to be a hooker.
Howard moved on to this game that they were playing to give away a trip to the AVN Awards out in Las Vegas. He had four women, Jasmine, Morgan, Sheryl and Stephanie. They all have boyfriends who want to win the trip to the AVN Awards. Paul Fishbein explained how this is a big award show for the adult film world and it's a lot of fun. Howard told the women that they may not want to participate in this game because they have Jeff Levy the Vomit Guy coming in. He wants to be vomited on by women so that's why the girls were there.
Jeff the Vomit Guy told the women how he enjoys seeing women vomit on him and how hard it is to find women to do it. He said that hookers aren't working these days so he's now moved up to a dominatrix which costs him between $150 and $600. Howard told the ladies that the first one to vomit on Jeff would win the trip to the AVN Awards out in Las Vegas. Jeff admitted that he's never gotten laid in his 48 years on this world and he knows that he's a misfit but this is what he enjoys. It sounds like he's not looking to have sex either.
Howard asked each woman, one by one, if they would attempt this. Jasmine, Morgan and Sheryl said they would give it a try. They were all looking to go out to Vegas. Sheryl was good looking enough for Jesse and said she was into other women even though her husband isn't into that kind of thing. Stephanie was the only one who said she didn't think she'd be able to do it. She's never been able to vomit before so she wasn't going to even try.
Howard said goodbye to Stephanie and had Jeff take off his clothes and lay on the floor so he could prepare for the vomiting. He was completely naked and smelled really bad according to Richard Christy. Jeff said that he does bathe and wasn't aware that he was smelly. He also had some zits on his ass that the guys pointed out.
Jeff got on the floor and Howard told the girls that on the count of three he was going to tell them to go and the first one to actually vomit would win the trip. One of the girls asked if she could use her finger to make herself vomit. Howard said that was fine but Artie said he thinks they could just look at the guy and throw up. Gary gets to the point where he just about vomits when Jeff comes in but Howard likes to keep him in there. He gave the countdown and all three girls tried to puke on him. You could hear the gagging sounds coming from some of the girls but it wasn't coming out very quickly. They continued to try but there was only a little ''pre-puke'' according to Sal. Then Jasmine hurled on him and they had a winner.
Richard Christy saw the vomit and started to gag himself. Then he puked on Jeff as well. Artie was laughing hysterically as Richard gagged and puked over and over again. Jeff was still talking to himself and wouldn't shut up. Richard said he couldn't watch him rub the vomit on himself, that's what made him sick. Artie said that Jeff was saying that he's not into the guys vomiting on him as it was happening. He said he's a heterosexual.
Howard told Jasmine that she had just won the trip for 2 to the AVN Awards out in Vegas. Jasmine said she did this for her ''master'' and he didn't know about it yet. Richard Christy was still getting sick as he watched Jeff rubbing in the vomit on his chest. He started to gag as Jeff was describing how much he loves the vomit thing and rubbed it in. Richard said that was the worst thing he's ever seen. He looked at his soaking wet chest and started to get sick. Howard had him look even more which made him get sick again. He ended up puking on Jeff again because he was so grossed out. Richard said it was his smell that got to him as well.
A listener called in and said this was disgusting but also hilarious to listen to. Paul Fishbein refused to look over at the vomiting. Howard asked the girls what went wrong and why they weren't able to vomit. They thanked Howard for having them in. Gary kept running out of the studio because he was grossed out by it so Howard tried to get him to look at him. Gary said that it was really gross and it was in his hair and stuff. Howard gave the other contestants $500 prizes for coming in. He also gave Jeff a $500 prize. Jeff said that it was an honor and a privilege to have been vomited on.
Jesse Jane said that it was pretty gross but she could take it and didn't get sick. Jeff got in a bunch of plugs for HowardShrine.com and his web site JeffTheVomitGuy.com. Howard gave Paul and Jesse some plugs, PiratesXXX.com, JesseJane.com and AVN.com, and then went to break.
Gary From KLSX Celebrity Interviews. 11/17/97. 7:20am
This guy Gary who works out at KLSX in California went out and did a few celebrity interviews at the Cable Ace awards show recently. He interviewed Marriel Hemingway, Gary Sinese, Carmen Electra, Evander Holyfield, Jeffrey Tambour and Walter Cronkite. Most of the interviews were pretty normal except for Walter Cronkite. Stuttering John has had a few run-ins with Mr. Cronkite and it hasn't been pretty. It was the same with this guy Gary. He asked Walter ''Are shocked that Marv Albert is such a pervert?'' and ''Have you ever been bitten on the back during sex?''. This made Cronkite very upset because Gary had asked to do the interview for CBS radio. Cronkite asked for his credentials so that he could make a phone call to CBS. He couldn't even believe that Gary worked for CBS. Cronkite is so damn uptight!
In the clip Howard had John in the studio to play his interview with Larry King. John asked Larry if he could talk to him but Larry was trying to make a phone call. John followed him around until he could get his attention.
Howard did his impression of Larry and then played John's questions. John asked Larry if he knew what time it was... Isn't it time to propose. Larry then pointed out that John shouldn't have to read off paper to ask questions. He said that would be like Howard not having writers. Howard said Larry is trying to be witty.
Howard played more of John's interview and Larry was goofing on Howard some more and trying to be funny saying that Howard is like Hemingway... Phil Hemingway. Howard said Larry is trying to be funny. Larry started rambling about Phil Hemingway. John said he started to go over to the phone to call him and he tried to cut him off. Howard wanted to get past that part and get to the questions.
Larry was bragging that he never used writers and told John to tell Howard that. Howard said that's because Larry doesn't do anything.
Larry tried to go over to use the phone but John stopped him in the middle of his lame bit. John eventually asked Larry about knowing Sandy Koufax. Larry said he does not know him. John asked if he knew Amelia Earhart. Larry just said he had to get going and started to walk away. John asked if he knows the Easter Bunny. Larry asked if he really thinks that's funny. John said Sandy says he didn't know Larry so it is funny to ask about that. John said Larry claims that he knows Sandy but he really doesn't. Larry wouldn't respond to that. He just kept bringing up the Easter Bunny thing. John said Sandy doesn't know him. Larry said he does know him and they didn't call him.
Larry told John that he's the worst interviewer he's ever met. Larry started to talk about Howard having writers again. Howard said many people work with writers. Larry said he finds it demeaning. John asked Larry if his head is paint by numbers. Larry didn't get it. John asked if his hair is real. Larry asked ''Who listens to this?'' Larry quoted H.L. Menkin and both Robin and Howard said that quote was just in the paper yesterday so he didn't pull it out of his memory. John shook Larry's hand as he was running off. John told him to tune in to hear the interview.
The Gossip Game With David Blaine. 11/17/00. 6:55am
Magician David Blaine came in this morning to talk to Howard and play the Mike Walker Gossip Game but Mike was unreachable for some reason. Howard had David come in anyway and he spent some time talking to him. David brought in a model by the name of Josie Maran (See her in Maxim Magazine) and she must have been pretty hot. Howard kept talking about how good looking she was and how she must have been really popular in high school. She claims that she never had any friends in school.
Howard told David how one woman told him that David really must have psychic abilities because he was able to read her mind on the first date. Howard said if he actually had psychic abilities he'd be rich because companies would hire him to read people's minds and stuff like that.
David told Howard about his next big trick that's coming up. He will be frozen in a 6 ton piece of ice. He said that he will have a catheter hooked up to his penis so he can pee. He said he will fast 4 days before the trick and will empty out his bowels with some kind of crappy tasting fluid. He said he will be in the ice for 58 hours. Robin didn't believe that he could possibly survive in that. David said that he will have a gel on his body to keep the cold away from his body and the ice won't actually touch him. He won't be wearing a shirt but he will be wearing pants and boots.
David also described his last big trick where he was kept in a see through box and kept under the sidewalk of a New York City street. He said he really did do that and it wasn't an illusion. He said it was really tough to do but he actually did it.
Howard changed the subject and asked David about dating Fiona Apple. David told Howard about how he met her and hooked up with her after dating her friend. He'd heard one of Fiona's songs years before she hit it big and he said he'd never forget the song he heard. Then a few years later he saw her at a Grammy party and did some magic tricks for her. Howard wanted to hear David do some psychic tricks on him. David said he likes to do card tricks. David taught Howard how to say bad things with the good when you talk to women. He said you say stuff like ''You have walls around you and you don't let people in.. but when you do let them in you keep them in forever..'' Then you tell them how guys don't pay attention to them and then they'll break down and think you really know what you're talking about and they'll spill their guts to you thinking that you actually knew something.
David told Howard that he thinks the Amazing Kreskin does some really interesting stuff in his act. Even David is amazed by Amazing Kreskin. David will be doing his ice trick in Times Square on November 27,28 and 29. When he comes out of the ice it'll be shown on ABC TV.
Howard learned more and more about David and Josie as he went along. Josie brings her female friend, who is also a model, to their home and they get it on together while David watches. David and Josie also go to strip clubs together and check out the strippers. David also said he banged Madonna a couple of times. He said that she's kind of like a guy in a way because if she wants to screw you she'll do it right away with no problem. Howard spoke to him about that for a couple of minutes before ending the interview.
After Howard came back from a break he said that Josie may have been the hottest chick he's ever met. He actually said she was better looking than both Pam Anderson and Carmen Electra which is saying a lot coming from Howard. He never says someone is better than Pam or Carmen.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 11:50am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:10am.