|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show doing his impression of wrestler Golddust as his opening song was playing. He said he forgot to include that in the song when they recorded it.
Howard said that he was listening to the Wrap UP Show on Thursday and heard Scott DePace talking about how he'd take it in the ass for a certain amount of money. Scott told Howard it was for a billion dollars. Howard said it shouldn't matter. He said he would take it up the ass.
Howard said they were laughing about the Scott the Engineer pay-per-view they wanted to do where he'd take it up the ass. Howard said Scott backed out when his kid took some ribbing at school. Howard said Scott came in and withdrew from the event after he explained that his son was being made fun of by other kids. Howard said Scott thought he was going to take it in the ass in a vacuum or something.
Howard had the audio of Scott DePace talking about that on the Wrap Up Show. In the clip the guys were asking Scott if he would sing into Sal's penis like the singers had done that day for Cockyoke. Scott said he wouldn't do it unless he got a lot of money for it. That led to the guys asking him how much it would cost to get fucked in the ass. Scott said it would take a billion to get him to do that.
Howard had some audio of Lexington Steel being interviewed about Scott the Engineer. Benjy and Richard were asking him about the ass fucking and Lexington said that he would never do anything like that. He said he doesn't do that kind of thing. He has straight sex only. They picked him because he had a huge penis. Lexington said he doesn't need to get paid a ton of money to do it, he's not going to do it.
Howard said that Kathy Ireland will go down in history as the worst person on camera ever. Howard said they had 3 rotating hosts and the other people were normal. Kathy had to move her hand the whole time and it was flying around like crazy. Robin said she thought it was a Kathy Ireland robot or something out there.
Howard said that Kathy has tried to get another career going but it apparently isn't working. Robin said she has some design stuff going on so she's not sure why she's coming out and trying to be on TV. Howard said he's not sure. He said she was very robotic and she either memorized it or read it off a teleprompter. He said he's not seven sure if they were questions.
Howard had some audio of Kathy interviewing some people. He said she had her face covered up the whole time too. Howard played the audio and she was very robotic as she was talking to Jake Gyllenhaal. She sounded like she was reading and very robotic as she did it. Howard said you have to see the visual to really get it. He played another one where she was talking to Zac Efron. Howard talked about some of the people who were on the red carpet and how some of them didn't belong there. Howard said the whole thing was weird.
Howard said Miley Cyrus was there and it's very strange to dress up a little kid like an adult. He also said that the hair styles were odd. The women had their hair all shoved in a ball and it was weird looking. He said these women think they have to change and they don't. He said Sandra Bullock didn't look very good. He said that every woman looked like they had a belly or a gut and the gowns were awful looking. He said women with nice bodies looked like crap in the gowns.
Howard said that they have these guys commenting on the outfits people were wearing and this one gay guy was talking about how he loved the outfit. Howard said he can't be serious. Howard said the judges on American Idol all think he's not qualified to be on their show but he's qualified to judge women's outfits because he knows what looks good and bad. He said there was one bad dress after another last night.
Robin said that many of the women had to bunch up their dresses as they were getting on stage. Howard said there were many who looked horrible.
Howard said that Mo'Nique has to thank her husband all the time so she must have an awful marriage. Robin said that she talked about having an open marriage with Barbara Walters. Robin said that she must not be the one who steps out in that marriage.
Howard said that Mo'Nique is a weird person too. He said the way she was thanking her husband was very strange. Robin told Howard about some interviews she's seen with her and how odd she comes off in those.
Howard said that Mo'Nique refused to campaign for her Oscar. He said that some people went out and campaigned to get votes. Howard said that the Avatar people ended up defending themselves against what other people were saying and it seemed to work. Howard also pointed out that Alice In Wonderland beat Avatar over the weekend. He said he wants to see that movie since he's a fan of Tim Burton's.
Howard talked more about Mo'Nique and her wackiness. He and Robin were both goofing on her. Howard said they were going to the shots of all of these great actresses and then they show that Gabourey Sidibe like she's part of show business. Howard said that she's never going to be in another movie. He said they should have given her the Oscar last night because she's never going to be up for another one. Howard said they should have told her to go on a diet so she doesn't die in a few years too.
Howard talked about how they were cutting to black people in the audience during the director's acceptance speech for ''Precious.'' Howard said that some people think that's racist. Howard said they must cut to Robin for that during their show but they don't have a lot of people to cut to in there. Howard said the whole Oscar thing is funny.
Howard said there was one really bad speech from the guy who adapted the ''Precious'' book to the screen play. Robin told Howard about another weird speech where someone was about to give his speech and a woman came out and took over.
The guys were also talking about how they announced the Best Film Oscar last night without much fanfare. Robin was complaining about the way they were playing big band music going into the breaks. Howard said they left out Bea Arthur and Farrah Fawcett during the tribute to the people who died last year. He said that was a lack of research.
Howard said that Neil Patrick Harris undid all of the good words he was getting as a host when he opened up the show with that awful song. He said that they do that lame stuff every year. Howard played some of the audio of that awful song. Howard said no one had any idea what he was singing about. He was off key too. Howard said he likes the guy but the song was real bad. Howard said they had two gay looking guys pick Neil up during the song. He played some more of the song and said ''Wow...'' He said it's enough of that routine. Howard said he went down about 25 points with that one. His agent should tell him to do something different and not do that kind of thing.
Howard said he heard that Sascha Baron Cohen was supposed to do something last night but they nixed him. Robin said he was supposed to do something with Ben Stiller in the Avatar outfit. They were afraid to offend Jim Cameron from what Fred read. Robin said that they didn't give Cameron any awards so that was offensive to him. Fred said that they should have given him some awards but they didn't give him anything.
Howard asked King if he has the hair that he wanted on the kid. King said the kid does so far. He said he likes the straight hair with just a little kink in it. He said he saw one curl on the side temple so he started brushing it down with a toothbrush.
King said he thought that Howard had changed his mind about having kids. Howard said he hasn't. King said that if he does have a kid at least he would have a boy because Beth is the right kind of woman to give him one. Howard said he had to go. King told him that he has to do this one thing. He told him to get clips of Mo'Nique's TV show on BET. He did an impression of her and said that she does this Aunt Jemima voice when she's talking.
Howard let King go and said that he's really annoying him for some reason. Howard said King is right about Mo'Nique though. He said she's a weird woman.
Howard said that Mariah Carrey was at the Oscars with her husband Nick. Howard said they have to get more takes of Nick doing his morning show at the old K-Rock. Howard said they have to listen to Nick doing that lame morning show of his. He said Mariah used to call him and yelled at him one time for something he did. He said he's not even sure what it was. Howard said he thinks that he could have had Mariah at one point.
Howard said that Red Carpet stuff wasn't handled very well last night. He said it was awful. Robin said that Kathy Ireland was claiming she had seen every movie. She was even claiming that she had seen movies that weren't out yet.
Howard said that Sandra Bullock looked awful and they were telling her she was gorgeous. Howard said that Sarah Jessica Parker looked odd. Howard said Miley Cyrus looked bizarre dressed up like an adult when she's just a 17 year old. Howard said that her mother was out with her and she had her tattoos hanging out.
Howard said he had taken some notes about the show. He looked through them to see what else he had to talk about.
Howard said they had some audio of Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. He said they were good. The newspapers were saying the same thing. Howard played one clip where Steve and Alec were joking about some movies and pointing people out in the audience. Howard said what was weird that Vera Farmiga looked awful in the dress she was wearing. He asked what the fuck is with these actresses. He said they looked like a bunch of old women. He said the only one who looked halfway decent was Meryl Streep. Howard said she must have dressed herself and didn't let a gay guy dress her.
Howard and Robin talked about Gabourey Sidibe and how they had her sitting on an aisle in a seat that looked like it may have been set up just for her. She was so fat that she wouldn't fit in a regular seat. Howard said Oprah was lying to her about how she's going to get a bunch of roles now. Howard said she's never going to work again.
Howard said there were people crying that Oprah was there last night. Robin said that's what Gabourey Sidibe was doing. Howard said that Oprah has turned into that god thing and it makes him want to retch.
Howard and Robin talked about some of the stuff that people were saying about Oprah and how weird that was. Howard played some audio of Steve and Alec doing their thing talking to the audience and joking about various celebrities out there. Howard said they didn't joke about the fat black chick. They all pretended there was nothing going on there.
Howard played a clip where Steve and Alec were joking about James Cameron and his ex-wife Katherine Bigelow. They said that she had sent James a basket with a timer in it.
Howard said he was reading an article about the Academy Awards and they were wondering why they have a best female and male performances. He said that they were pointing out that they shouldn't separate the sexes. Howard said he never thought about it until he read that article. He said it's as bizarre as separating blacks and whites or Jews from Christians. Howard said that they really shouldn't separate them. Howard said there is no difference between a man and a woman.
Robin said that a man can't play a woman's role and a woman can't play a man for the most part. Howard said that they really should keep it just one category instead of separating the sexes. Robin said she really doesn't care. She said that women would never win if that was the case.
Howard asked Robin if she had to pee or something. Robin said she was just moving around. Howard said he had never seen her do that before. Robin said she was just moving. Howard said if she has to pee she can go. Robin said she doesn't have to go at this time of the morning.
Howard said he really liked The Hurt Locker and it sent a message. He said it showed that when these guys come home from war, they're really out of their element.
Howard played some audio of the acceptance speech that Robin was talking about earlier. That's where this guy got up to accept and the woman he won with got up and took over after interrupting the guy. Howard just said ''What the...'' when he heard her interrupting. They got played off in the middle of it.
Howard said that was really fucked up. Gary said that guy was like 15 seconds into his speech when she cut him off. Gary said the guy was in the back row so he ran up alone and then she got up and elbowed him out of the way. Robin said the guy had no idea what was going on.
Gary said JD told him there are two other good things on the list. They had some audio of Sandra Bullock crying and a Best Foreign Film group getting played off in the middle of their speech. Howard played that one and then some audio of Oprah telling Gabourey Sidibe that she's going to have a career. Oprah was talking about how great she was in that part and how now she's sitting there in the same category as Meryl Streep. Howard said that's why you should never get into acting. Oprah was saying that it was the authenticity that she played her part and how great it was. She was asking her where she learned to do that. Robin said just look at her and you'll see how she's had despair in her life. Oprah then said that they're just seeing the beginning of a brilliant career. Howard said she has to be honest with the girl. She's not going to be working.
Benjy said there was more info about that woman who interrupted the guy. He said there was some story about a law suit and the woman is claiming that the guy's mother had blocked her from going up on stage. They spent a minute talking about that. Fred had read some stuff about the story too and the woman had actually been taken off the movie but they had to leave her name in the credits.
Howard said he was trying to eat his breakfast but there was some kind of juice running down his arm. Howard asked Will what was going on with that. Will said he doesn't do anything to it. He said that it's just condensation so maybe they could leave the things separate so he could put the wrap together himself. Howard said he'd rather not do that. He said he'll just suffer through with the juice running down his arm.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his 8 year old daughter tried to kill herself. Howard said that's odd that such a young kid would do that. Robin said it's more common than he'd think.
The caller, Jerry, said that she was having trouble at school being teased and stuff. She likes The Beatles and the kids would say that she looks like a boy and make fun of her hair.
Howard asked how she tired to kill herself. The guy said she tried to jump off a banister and she grabbed a meat cleaver and then tried to run out into the road waiting for a car to hit her.
Jerry said that he got into his car after all of that went down and he heard Cockyoke and it cheered him up. He said he wanted to thank Howard for that. The guy said that they're going to take her to a facility this morning. Howard said she needs to change her school so they don't get picked on. Jerry said he'll look into that.
Howard said that they should talk about the healing powers of Cockyoke. Jerry said that it was the best thing that he could have heard when he got into his car on Friday. The guy said that he made him have a better day last week and he wanted to thank them for that. Howard said he knew there was a good reason to do that bit.
Howard wished the guy luck but then the guy was making fun of Gabourey Sidibe saying that she could play the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man in the next Ghostbusters. Howard said that's kind of weird to do that after your daughter was just made fun of to the point that she wanted to kill herself.
Howard said that there was a letter explaining why he wants to have sex with Sarah Palin. The writer thinks that he wants to have a ''grudge fuck'' with her to put her in her place.
Howard read some more email about last week's shows. He had some feedback about JD and Ashley. He read some of that. Howard said there wasn't one negative email from Thursday. He said he had to take a break after that. They have Captain Janks on the line to play a TV Production Terms game with Gary. Gary said he doesn't always lapse into that. Gary said that Barbara Walters' publicist told him that she needed a ''hard out'' at 8:45. He said she's just a publicist. Howard said that Gary gets busted on that stuff and he blames it on other people.
Howard goofed on Gary about using terms like ''live hits'' and ''going dark'' when they go on vacation. Howard said they just say they're on vacation. No one in radio says they're ''dark'' like Gary does. Howard said there are no light in radio and they say they're ''dark'' in TV because they turn the lights off for that time.
Gary said that they are a TV show too though so it is ''dark'' in there. Howard said that it's not right for a radio show though. Howard told Gary to just say they're ''going quiet'' for a week when they go on vacation. Howard continued to goof on Gary about those terms and told Gary to shush when he was fighting back.
Howard said Gary drives him crazy with those terms. He said that Gary thinks he's talking TV. Howard said that Gary's mic wasn't working either. He was yelling at them and no one could hear him. Gary got on mic and went off on Robin for hopping on Howard's coat tails in this discussion.
Robin went off on Gary about the terminal athlete's foot he had. Gary said that he can't control that. The two of them were arguing with each other for a minute. Howard said that Robin should have went right back to the ''hard out'' thing instead of letting him change the subject.
Howard said they had to go to break so they could get to Tommy James and all of the other stuff. Gary came in and told them about some of the stuff he read about Tommy in his book. Gary went over some of that stuff and talked about how he didn't make much money because the Mob was taking it from him. Howard said that's a bummer. Howard asked if they had hit everything in the Oscars. Gary said that he thinks they got to most of it. They also talked about how ABC and Cablevision were able to work out a deal so they got the Oscars back on after the first 15 minutes had passed. That led to the guys talking about Cablevision and ABC for a few minutes.
Howard said he doesn't want to piss off Cablevision himself because they carry his Howard TV stuff. He said he went out and whipped himself with chains after they quoted him in the paper about that stuff last week. Howard said that Benjy should have gone out in front of ABC and Cablevision to protest. Gary said they had a woman on Cablevision blaming ABC for what was going on and it got very boring. He said it went on for at least 2 and a half minutes or so.
Howard had some audio of Sandra Bullock crying during her acceptance speech. Sandra was doing fine at first but then she went to thank her mother and broke down crying. She didn't thank her husband in the speech. Howard said they had to ''go dark'' for a couple of minutes. He told Fred to give him a ''hard out'' at 7:28. They went dark after that.
Howard came back and said that Tommy James was there. He said he's written a ton of great songs. He said he wrote ''Mony Mony'' and ''I think We're Alone Now'' among others. Howard had the guys bring him in. Howard had him come in and sit wherever he wanted. Howard said that he could sit on the couch if he wanted. They were set up to have him sing so he was going to sit wherever that was.
Howard said that Tommy kept the long hair. He said he was watching him when he was a young kid. Howard talked to him about the song ''Mony Mony'' which was written after he had seen a Mutual Of New York sign one day.
Tommy was setting up his guitar and didn't like the sound he was getting from it. He messed around with that for a minute with Howard helping him out. Howard told him to take his time. Tommy apologized for doing all of that. He said he was going to be signing over a record and playing along with it. They had some troubles with the audio too.
Tommy went right into a few seconds of ''I Think We're Alone Now.'' Howard told Tommy he wanted to get into the interview. Tommy didn't know they were on the air. Howard said they were on the air the whole time.
Howard asked Tommy where he grew up. Tommy told him where he grew up and how he had this cover band, the Shondells, that he worked with. He said they recorded a version of ''Hanky Panky'' that was a cover. He said it bombed miserably in 1964. He said that a guy in Pittsburgh picked up the song though and that's where it took off. Tommy said that if he hadn't gone home in 1966 he wouldn't have gotten the call that it had gone to number one in Pittsburgh. Howard said guys never take chances like that to play an old song like that. Tommy said they did that at this station in Pittsburgh. He said the guy played it at his club and it was a hit.
Howard asked what the guy's name was. Tommy said it was Bob Mack. Howard asked if he stayed in touch with him. Tommy said he just spoke to him a couple of weeks ago. He said that the band had broken up so the record was sold as a bootleg and it sold 80,000 copies. Tommy said he got another band together and took them to New York to get a record deal. He said that they went to Roulette records and it was a pretty notorious place. He said that they had taken it to a bunch of other companies and they all called and said they had to pass after they went to Roulette. This guy Morris Levy was notorious and they allegedly based the character Hesh in The Sopranos on him.
Tommy said that this guy Morris called all of the other record companies and told them that this band was his. He said it's possible that if they had gone to some other label that they wouldn't have gotten as big as they did. He said they were left alone there and they sold 110 million records there. Tommy said that Levy took their money though so they probably missed out on $40-50 million.
Tommy said that Roulette records was a front for the Genovese crime family. He said that they'd meet people there at the company and a couple of weeks later they'd see the guy making the ''perp walk'' on TV for some crime he had committed.
Tommy said that he was asked if he wanted his own record label. He said that he wasn't sure he wanted to drag other people into that kind of life. He said he did that with at least one though.
Howard said that Tommy would go in and ask for money from Morris and he would give them like 10 grand to keep them quiet but they were actually owed millions. Tommy said that if they had pushed for it then they could have been left on the side of the road for dead. He said that his accountant went in and asked for the money and there was a gang war going on at the time so Morris was gone. He said they were all stuck there holding the bag with the whole thing.
Howard said that Tommy eventually got away from Morris and he went off to do his own thing but then it wasn't working out for him. Tommy said that he was on a mission from god and he had to get out of Roulette. He said he just wasn't able to put out anymore records so he stopped. Tommy said there are a lot of stories from inside of this thing. He said his accountant went to the company where they print the labels and they found out how many they were actually making. He said that Morris told him that he can't use that and if he ever did, they'd be sleeping with the fishes.
Tommy told Howard that there wouldn't have been a Tommy James without a Morris Levy. He said that he gave him a 40+ year career. He said they may have done their thing and maybe they would have had hits or maybe not. Tommy said that this book he wrote is going to be a movie in 18 months and also a Broadway play.
Howard asked who is going to play him in the movie. Tommy said they have an announcement to make soon but nothing right now.
Gary came in and told Howard he read the book. He said the book was great and it sounds like everyone had a bat to take care of business with.
Tommy told Howard that he had a bunch of hits with Roulette and they did have some gold records and stuff. He said that he met a lot of scary people in that time though.
Howard asked Tommy about this Morris Levy guy and what hit song they got out of that. Tommy said they started with ''Hanky Panky.'' He said that he figured he was on his own over there and their second record was ''Say'' and they covered some other songs on that. He said they eventually wrote ''I Think We're Alone Now.'' He said they were allowed to evolve and they had the public's attention long enough to do that. Howard said he figured that he was getting laid a lot back then. Tommy said that there were some fun years in there. He said he didn't go crazy. Howard asked how many times he got married. Tommy said it was 3 times but he's been with his current wife for 38 years.
Howard asked Tommy about the kind of drugs he was doing. Tommy said he was popping pills and he was on Amphetamines. He said he got off of that though.
Howard asked Tommy what he wanted to perform first. He was going to do ''I Think We're Alone Now'' first. Tommy went right into the song a short time later. He was playing guitar and singing live with a soundtrack behind him.
After the song Howard and Tommy talked about that song. Tommy said they put together that song in a different way that they're going to have in the movie during the credits. He said that it will play after Morris dies at the end of the movie. Howard said that it must have been scary having that guy telling him that he would kill him if he asked for money. Tommy said it was pretty scary and they were walking on eggshells around him all the time. Howard said it's like being in the movie ''Goodfellas'' when that stuff is going on. Tommy said it really was like that.
Howard talked to Tommy about his addiction problems and how he's now a recovering alcoholic. Tommy said he did get arrested so that's what sent him to rehab. Tommy said he really dove into it and he was ready to stop all of that stuff so it wasn't like someone had to talk him into it. Tommy was arrested for shooting a gun into a pool and he didn't even remember doing it.
Tommy said he was a hard core drinker back in the day. He said that he would go out on stage drunk at times too. He said that after the Betty Ford center he did his first show and it was great. He said that was way back in 1986 but everyone wants him to go into small venues. He said he went to Madison Square Garden for his first show. Tommy said that he didn't feel like he wanted a drink but he was scared up on stage. By the third song he was having a ball. He said that he had been acting for so long and now he was just having real fun.
Howard asked how his marriage survived. Tommy said he had a great woman. He said that Linda stuck with him through all of this.
Howard asked if he was sober when he turned down Woodstock. He said he was. Tommy said that his song ''Crystal Blue Persuasion'' went to number one and he got a call from his secretary telling him she had a call from some guy asking him to play at some big pig farm up in New York State. He said he told her to tell them to start without him. He said they left out that they had The Who and Jimi Hendrix playing there. Tommy said that a few days later they figured they had blown it with Woodstock.
Howard gave Tommy a plug for his book ''Me, the Mob, and the Music: One Helluva Ride with Tommy James & The Shondells'' and an appearance he's making at William Patterson University and some other places in the area.
Howard asked Tommy if he's a wealthy man. Tommy said that he did alright. He said he's not incredibly wealthy. He said he still likes to work and play about 20-30 gigs a year.
Howard asked Tommy to go out with a bang and play ''Crystal Blue Persuasion'' to wrap things up. Tommy said that this was on their Crimson and Clover album in 1969. Tommy gave Howard some history on the song and the album and how that song ''Crimson and Clover'' all came about too. Tommy played some of that song for Howard before getting to ''Crystal Blue.'' Tommy said that those two words, Crimson and Clover, were just two of his favorite words and he ended up writing the song about it.
Tommy told Howard about how they had worked with Hubert Humphrey and how good he was with them. He said that he helped out with the liner notes and stuff too.
Howard asked Tommy more about the song ''Crimson and Clover'' song and how that came to him in a dream. Tommy said he didn't have anything to do with the final mix of the song. He said he had taken it to a guy who did the final mix on it. Tommy said he gave this station the song to hear and another station didn't want him to do that. He said they sent him a funeral wreath when they heard it on that other station.
Tommy told Howard about how ''Crystal Blue Persuasion'' came about. He said they had over produced the song and they had to go back and un-produce it and it became a hit immediately when they put it out. Howard had him perform some of that song for them after that. He was singing along to a music track again while playing guitar.
Howard said he's glad that Tommy was there this morning. Howard asked if he wrote most of his songs while he was high. Tommy said ''well...'' Howard thanked him for coming in and talked about some of his great hits. He gave him another plug for his book. Tommy said you can check out their web site TommyJames.com to find out more. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Howard came back and said they're going to get to the topless comics in a few minutes. He said he wasn't ready to jump into it yet. He said he'd do a few bits before getting to that.
Howard said they had nice weather this weekend. Robin said she couldn't enjoy it because she's fighting off a cold. Howard said that's odd for a woman who eats healthy and does enemas. Robin said that she must be running around too much.
Howard said that maybe she had a bad enema tube or something. Robin said that maybe that was it. She said she hasn't missed a day since she started her diet regimen.
Howard said that Sal and Richard did another one of their calls. Robin said she jut heard that one Fred played and it was very funny. She said she had never paid attention to that before.
Howard said the Tradio guys are wise to the guys calling in but then they get fooled again anyway. He said that Sal and Richard sent in fake names like Anita Hanjob, Lou Skunt, Gabe Athouse, Dixie Rect, Norma Skocks and more. Howard said that the guys were complaining about the phony phone calls but then they read these fake names.
Howard played the audio of the radio show guys reading off the stuff that they were trying to sell and reading off those phony names that Sal and Richard submitted. The hosts were talking about how they had a crank caller on the line and asked him to stop. Then they'd read more of the phony names.
Howard and Robin talked about how they were doing that auction for a 4-H thing and the only people bidding were Sal and Richard with the fake names.
Howard said he's not sure if the designers hate women or what. He said that one woman looked worse than the next at the Oscars.
The caller said that the only woman who could make that Precious chick's career is Oprah. Howard said he was reading about Susan Boyle in the tabloids and they're saying she's really lonely. He said that someone may have to step up and have sex with her so she doesn't go over the edge.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he loves the show and everyone who contributes to it. Howard told him to get to his point. He said he had things to get to. The guy said he wanted to talk to him about Transcendental Meditation but he can't afford it. Howard said it does cost money to learn but it's a one shot deal. He said he believes that they make allowances for students. He said that it's just the initial fee and they don't ask for money after that. Howard said it might be like 2 grand or something.
Howard told the caller that the TM thing really helped him and he hopes that it would help the caller. Howard said he was able to get rid of his insomnia and he was able to stop smoking. He said the TM thing can help you out for life so you have to look at that money as an investment. Robin said she read that it's like $2,500 right now. Howard said that it's worth it to learn. Howard said it's better to spend money on that instead of on video games or something.
Howard said that Diet Coke was promoting heart health during the Academy Awards last night. He said they have to be kidding with that. He said if they were really worried about heart health they'd put themselves out of business. Howard said that they have weird chemicals in their drinks and they're worried about heart health? He said that's why he could never represent them. He said he'd be too truthful and he'd have to tell people not to drink that shit.
Robin said there was a commercial that Whoopi Goldberg did for wee wee pads. She said that women are leaking urine in the commercial. Howard asked why women would be leaking urine. Robin said it's apparently an epidemic. Howard said that if you're fat then maybe that kind of thing happens. He said maybe women need to get on a diet and go run.
Howard said he missed that commercial. He said that Robert Duvall is great because he produced that movie ''Crazy Heart.'' Howard said that movie was really good.
Howard said he bets that Benjy leaks urine. Benjy said he does. Howard asked what the diaper is called. Robin said it's Poise. Howard said that wouldn't be too embarrassing to buy in the store.
Howard said he tried to get organized by reading some books and they suggest starting a filing system. He can't do that so he just keeps hiring people to do all of that stuff for him. He said din the book they tell you to buy all kinds of cards and keep them categorized so you have them when you need them. Howard said he did that and he felt like a dick head buying all of these stupid cards. He said that he didn't want to repeat the cards so he was buying a bunch of different ones.
Howard said he started sending out cards but it was annoying. He said he'd rather just sent out an email. He said he would cross out ''uncle'' and send cards to an aunt trying to get rid of the cards. He said he would send out Sympathy cards to people that he didn't even know. He said he sent Swoozi Kurtz a card even though he didn't know her. Howard said he was going through the newspaper and sending sympathy cards to people he'd read about.
Howard sadi this jerk off sent this card to him and he has no idea who sent it. He couldn't get over that.
Howard had the guys bring in the women and asked what they were doing. They were raising money for breast cancer awareness. They were going to be doing comedy at Comix and raising money for Generosititties.
Howard spoke to Scout Durwood first and asked her about being a lesbian. Howard asked if she was seducing girls in school and stuff. She said she dated a guy in school and the guy didn't want to have sex with her because he was Christian. Scout said she did have sex with a guy once when she was drunk. Howard asked if it was hard for him to get inside of her. She said she was wasted and she had fun. She didn't remember if she got wet. Scout told Howard to get to Amy Beckerman and ask her about that stuff. Howard said he would get to her soon enough.
Howard told a story about a guy who had a black and blue cock after he boned a woman who wasn't into guys. Scout said she made ''sweet awkward love'' to the guy she was with.
Howard asked Scout if she likes hot chicks or big, beefy women. Scout said that she can't answer correctly because too many people were listening. Scout said she's with equals who are like her. Howard asked if Ellen is hot to her. Amy said she's obsessed with her hair. She didn't even know that she was on American Idol though.
Howard asked if they understand that whole Ellen thing. Scout said she gets it. She said she would go out with her.
Howard said he thinks that Ellen wants to have a penis, that's why she dresses like a man. Howard said it disturbs him the way she dresses.
Howard read that Amy had her stomach stapled and she lost 150 pounds. He said she looks good too. Amy thanked him for that. Howard asked if they're going to see stretch marks and stuff when she takes her top off. Amy said that there are some but he's far away. She said that she has boobs that are okay and they're not pancakes. Howard asked about her girlfriend and found out that she's husky according to Amy. She said that she's like a Dan Aykroyd lesbian. Howard asked Amy if she's had sex with a man. She said she has and it wasn't for her. She said she hates the smell of balls.
Howard asked Amy why she tried it. She said that she wanted to make sure she didn't like it. Howard asked Amy about how long she's been doing comedy. She said she's been doing it for 5 years. She has never done it topless but she will do it there and at Comix on Sunday night.
Howard asked Scout about doing comedy. She's been doing that for 3 years. She told Howard about how she has no problem doing her thing topless. Scout said that her B-cups aren't the coolest thing about her. She said she thinks that it will work just fine. Howard said that she was also a contestant on the Tila Tequila show. She said that she was but just for a short time. She said that Tila isn't too bright. Scout said that she told the producers that she knew what they were doing and she didn't want to be part of it.
Howard said that Scout was Miss Kansas Teen when she was younger. She said she did win that and she went to Disney.
Howard asked Scout who she'd like to have if she could have a celebrity. She said that she likes Penelope Cruz. Amy said she likes Chaz Bono. Howard asked if she would want to be with him with facial hair. She said she wouldn't be into that. Howard said she has no balls though. Amy sounded grossed out by that.
Howard said that Amy and Scout will be at Comix NY on Sunday night doing their thing. He said that they were going to do about a minute of comedy for them here today. Howard said Amy was going to go first. They ended up talking to her about the kind of food she eats. She was talking about the McFlurry ice cream they have at McDonald's and how much she loves that. She said she has maybe 3 a week which is a lot but it's not every day. Howard asked Amy about exercise. She said that she does that a lot. She still likes those McFlurry's though. Howard told Amy to go ahead and do her comedy thing.
Amy went into some of her act and talked about her weight and how her grandmother reacted when she told her about how she was going to lose it. She said her mother asked if she was going to go back to men once she lost weight. Amy talked about taking her dog into McDonald's with her.
Amy kept it short so Howard thanked her for that and said he was glad she had her tits out. He said that if she wasn't funny at least he would have had her tits to look at.
Scout was up next. Howard said she looks good too. He said her boobs were real and they looked good to him. He said she had a nice body. Howard said that guys must hit on her all the time. She said they do and she always has the surprise story for them that she's a lesbian. Howard asked if women hit on her too. She said that they do. Howard asked if she has orgied. She said that she hasn't. Scout said she's a simple person and not a porn star. Howard asked if she spends a lot of time on women's boobs. Scout said that the sex thing can go on a long time. Howard asked if she likes to lick vagina. She said that she likes to listen to music. She's not into eating ass.
Howard had Scout do her minute of comedy. She had a ukulele up there with her. Scout ended up singing a song about Penelope Cruz since that's the woman she's really into. She did an impression of Cruz in the song and sang about how she doesn't understand a word she says but she does want to be with her. She said that you can see the rest of the song at the Generosititties show.
Howard said that Penelope Cruz has lived in this country for a very long time and her accent hasn't gotten any better. Howard said he has no idea what she was talking about last night in her acceptance speech.
Howard said that Scout's ukulele was blocking her breasts. He said that wasn't a good thing. Howard said she's got a great set of tits.
Howard wrapped up after giving the girls some plugs for their show on Sunday night. You can get tickets at ComixNY.com.
Robin said that Tim gets excited about stuff that other people wouldn't get excited about. Howard said that Tim is back to eating a bunch of shitty food now too. He said he heard about the stuff Tim is eating and Tim is apparently afraid to tell Robin.
Howard said he heard that Tim was eating crap all weekend. Tim said he's back on the diet now. Doug Goodstein came in and told Howard that they went out to a bar and he started ordering appetizers for himself and didn't bother asking anyone else what they wanted. He said he had chicken nacho's, wings, and a bunch of other things.
Tim said that he was with Doug and two guys from Howard TV. He said Chris and Mike are nice but they weren't ordering or saying anything.
Howard said this program isn't for Tim. He can't stick to that diet. Tim said he can't eat normal meals. Robin said that Tim will die if he eats what Howard eats. Tim said if he ate as much food as Howard does during the day he would die. Tim said he doesn't eat that much and he only eats like once a day.
Doug said that he has more details about the second night they went out. Tim said he's never going on a trip with Doug again.
Howard told Robin to share what she just shared with him in the private mic. Robin said she was telling him that in private.
Doug told Howard about Tim's meal the next night and how he had to borrow some reading glasses from a woman so he could read the menu. That was the second night that Tim ate and he was eating steak and stuff like that. Robin said that's Tim's body. Doug said he threw away his fat clothes so he's going to have to go out and buy new stuff.
They talked about his moose knuckle that he has now that his pants are getting too tight. Doug said that Tim is a fun guy to hang out with. Gary said that Tim just told him that what Doug did was a real cock sucker move.
Tim came back in and told Howard about the studio Bubba is building down there in Tampa. Tim said that they're building a new studio and they have a trout pond that they're going to turn into a beach. Howard asked why he can't just do it in the studios they have at the station he works out of. Tim said that's the way Bubba wants to do it.
Tim said that Bubba has a bunch of buildings down there and he's like a real estate mogul. Howard asked if he's gotten fatter. Tim said that Bubba is about the same size but he's strong. He has a gym in one building that's just for him and his guys. Bubba is putting in studios, a stage and a bunch of offices for his people. Tim said he's going to have a Bubbaland down there.
Howard said he could do the same thing to do his own show on the internet. He said he doesn't want to be bothered but Bubba doesn't seem to mind. Tim said that it's a whole thing and they have the tape on the floors where the offices will go. Tim said that it's going to be great. They're going to have a fence around it and guard dogs around.
Howard said it sounds like it's going to be a Manson-like cult down there. He did an impression of the cops breaking into the compound. Tim said that they do carry down there so he saw that some of the guys had guns on them. Howard did his cop impression and had them talking to Bubba to get him out of that compound.
Howard said maybe he should build a studio down in Florida just in case things don't work out there. Howard said he could have a whole compound down there too. Robin said that would be the place to do it.
Howard said that if Bubba gets thrown off of radio again then he's going to be in big trouble. He said he's going to pump millions into this and maybe he should think about that. He said that he must be thinking really positively though. Howard said maybe he'll rent out the studio to other people though.
Howard said they should have a roller coaster ride there that represents wiping his ass to remind people of what it was like for him. Howard said maybe they could spray shit on the fans there too.
Howard brought up going to the strip club down there with Tim and Tim gave him the look like a wife would give. Howard said that was really funny. Howard said Tim gave him a look like he couldn't remember if he went to one or not. Tim said he feels a strong sense of responsibility with him.
Tim said he had to go after that. Howard said Tim is trying to remember if he finished in his pants or not. Tim ran out of the studio as Howard was asking if they have full nude dancing at that club. Howard said he has never had a full nude dance before.
Howard asked Gary if he was free tomorrow. Gary said they have Jesse Ventura coming in tomorrow. Howard said he has a lot of stuff to get to tomorrow. He said people like it when he just talks.
Howard played the first clip and Pete was singing something but it was hard to figure out. The caller figured it was Bon Jovi ''You Give Love a Bad Name.'' Howard played the clip of Pete singing along to the song and the caller was right.
The caller said that he heard that Jay Leno's show edited out the boos of Sarah Palin on his show the other night. Howard said that if that's true it's very disturbing. Robin said they're saying that's not true.
Howard played another Pete song and Fred had it as soon as he finished playing it. Howard and Robin couldn't figure it out right away so he played the clip again. Howard still didn't get it. Fred said it was ''Voodoo Child'' by Hendrix. He was right.
Howard said that the FCC is thinking about getting involved in satellite radio again. He said that their merger was held up for 17 months when XM and SIRIUS wanted to merge. Howard said the FCC slowed that down by 17 months and it caused them tremendous financial problems. Howard said it was laughable. He said there was no reason for the merger not to go through.
Howard said that the FCC is now talking about doing something with the spectrum that they work on. They had to pay a lot of money to do that. Howard said that they're saying now that they have other services in a spectrum that's close to theirs and it would interrupt the satellite signals. Howard said the FCC is thinking about allowing it to go through and it would destroy their signal. Howard said that Mel Karmazin is aware of this and they've been in talks with the FCC about this. Howard said whatever the proposal is would interfere with satellite radio. Howard said that they seem to try to destroy anyplace that Howard Stern goes to. He said that it's unbelievable.
Howard said he was going to go on the air today to congratulate himself on what they've done there. He said he was going to say ''mission accomplished'' for doing what they've done over the past 4 years. He said that he saw the company grow into what it is today. He said they had 600,000 subscribers when he got there. He said they have 35 million people listening to the service now. He said they grew to 18 million subscribers and this year was the first year they posted a profit.
Howard talked about how he got started there and how he had told the people at XM that he would put them out of business if they didn't hire him. Howard said it all came to fruition just the way he said it would. Howard said that no one would have thought that they'd be where they are now. Howard said it doesn't matter what they call this company. He said they have 19 million subscribers and they have turned a profit. It's working and it will be successful. Howard said the game plan worked. He said that he told them that they'd win if they hired him and that's what happened. He said this final chapter in his career has been the most satisfying. He said if he wanted to he could go back to terrestrial and revive them too but he doesn't have the energy to fight the FCC anymore.
Howard said he was on a beach this weekend and saw a seal out sunning himself. He said if he could sit on a beach and watch that every day of the rest of his life, he'd be happy. Howard said he finished his job there and he's ready to move on. He said that some people will go on to say that he's some kind of nut but that's not the case. He said that wherever they went they made the company a winner. He said that they had better do the right thing by you when you do something good for them. If they don't then you go back and screw them. He said that's what he did to CBS radio. He said he wants them to die. He said their profits are off by 53 percent.
Howard said some of these companies don't want to treat you right even when you do good for them. Howard said he has kept his word. He said this company is spectacular now. He said that the merger happened because of his show. He said that he predicted that. He told ''a couple of people'' to remember that.
Howard said maybe some of the other channels on there deserve some of the credit... like the Oprah channel and the Maya Angelou show. Howard said that must bring in millions of listeners. He said he heard that Oprah wants to syndicate that channel to terrestrial radio. He said he'd love to see the station that would pay to put that on.
Howard had Steve get back to his news preview. He said that there is some controversy over the Leno show with Sarah Palin. They're saying that the audience members are saying that they must have added a laugh track to the show. Howard said he bets that Leno has a laugh track on his own stuff.
Steve said that Jackie the Joke Man is saying that if they want him on the show they just have to call and ask. Howard said that it's not that simple. He did an impression of Jackie asking for plugs and money and how he'd want to work just two days a week and things like that. Howard did that impression for a couple of minutes. Howard said it really isn't that simple to just ask him to come back.
Robin pointed out that's why they said no. Howard said he was going to pass out from that impression he did. Steve said that Jackie sat in with Jay Thomas last Friday to fill in for Shuli. Howard said he wants to hear that tape. He told JD to get a copy of that and pull some clips.
Howard did more of his impression of Jackie and told Steve it really isn't that simple. Steve said that's why they threw that quote in there. Robin said that Jackie has not changed and it isn't that easy. Howard said if Robin said it was okay maybe he'd go along with that. Fred said he used to think that Jackie would change too but he doesn't think he has. He said that the last go around proved to him that he would never change.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down the subjects he had for today's show.
Robin started off with a story about Arbitron ratings and how they're arguing about the people meter thing. Robin said that Frank Flores is in the paper talking about that. Howard said he would love to compete in terrestrial radio with the people meter. He said that would probably triple his ratings. Robin said once they went to the people meter the Hispanic stations lost 40 percent of their ratings. Robin said Frank is fighting over it because he runs some Hispanic stations. Howard said that the people complaining about it just suck. He said that their shows aren't funny or entertaining and the People Meter exposes that.
Robin read that smoked salmon may not be considered Kosher anymore. The fish often contains parasitic worms so some Rabbis are saying they won't make it kosher. Howard said he eats a lot of that stuff. He said if the worms make him thinner then he's all for it.
Robin read some news about the crazy things that are going on in the government there in New York. That led to Howard reading a story about a senator in California who had been arrested for a DUI after leaving a gay bar. The guy was known for voting against gay rights stuff while he was in office.
Robin said she read something on Mike Morales' Facebook this weekend. She said that he had some nasty things to say about Marie Osmond. Howard said that he didn't see that. Robin said that he thinks that there was something about her son and Marie that led to his suicide. Howard said that's not fair to say. Robin said she's not sure where he gets his information from but that's what she saw him posting about on his Facebook page.
Robin read about how Governor Patterson is going to stay in office and ride through all of this stuff that's going on with his administration. Robin had some audio of some people talking about that.
Howard did a live commercial and then had Robin get back to her news. Robin read about an English Bulldog puppy that was beaten so badly that it will never walk again. Robin had some audio of one of the actual beatings where this woman was beating her dog with a shovel. Howard said that these dogs are the sweetest dogs and he can't even listen to that. He said that if someone beats a dog with a shovel they have no soul and they should be sent to prison for life. Howard said they know a woman who takes these kind of dogs in and she's going to try and get involved somehow.
Howard said he heard that the husband had taken the dog into the vet's office a dozen times and they released it back to them every time. Howard said someone should look into that too.
Howard said his assistant Laura adopted this dog that was tied up in the house that these people had moved out of. The dog had no food or water and they just left it there. Howard said the neighbor found the dog after 2 weeks and the dog is the most loving dog you'd ever meet. Howard said that they're like miracles. He said all they do is look for affection from people. Howard said he can't imagine leaving a dog behind like that. He said he can't comprehend how people are that sick. He said there is so much horror in this world. There's a lot of beauty too but so much horror.
Robin asked if Howard is going to be watching Jason and Molly's wedding tonight. Howard said he will be there. Robin said that Jason and Molly were on The Bachelor. Howard said that he was there for the whole thing watching it on TV. Howard said he should have been invited.
Howard did another live commercial and then had Robin get to more news. Robin read a story about the election going on in Iraq and how they have to risk their lives to vote over there. Robin said we take it for granted here while they have to worry about dying.
Robin read some news about the Academy Awards. She talked about how she thinks that Avatar will be the movie that people are watching in 20 years, not the other movies that were nominated.
Howard read a story about a guy who would steal people's shoes at hospitals when people would take their shoes off before going in. He had a whole warehouse full of shoes. Robin said he didn't make any money doing that. He was just storing them up.
Robin got back to the Academy Awards and played some audio of some of the winners talking back stage about their wins. She had audio of Jeff Bridges, Sandra Bullock, Mo'Nique and more.
Howard goofed on some of the clips and cut off others. He said he's a big fan of Jeff Bridges but the stuff he was saying was kind of wacky. Howard said that Mo'Nique was getting really weird with her speech too. Howard goofed on her and the stuff she was saying in her interviews.
Howard played some audio of Katherine Bigelow's speech but he couldn't move on from the Mo'Nique interview. He was still asking about her and her husband.
Robin read that Billy Corgan was dating Jessica Simpson. Howard said he heard they already broke up. Robin read the article where Billy was talking about how great she is. Howard said he doesn't think that they're still together.
Robin read about Simon and Garfunkel getting back together again to do some shows. Howard said he'd like to see them but he's never available to see them. He said he wishes they'd come in there and do some songs.
Robin read that Brett Michaels did a song with Miley Cyrus. She had some of that song for Howard to play. Howard played it and asked where her voice is. He said he could barely hear her. Robin said that it was in there but kind of in the background. Robin said that Brett is also on Celebrity Apprentice this season.
Robin read some news about the Jonas brothers and then wrapped up her news. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Benjy said that some of the expressions make sense and he gets why they use them. He said he wonders why the ''going dark'' thing replaces vacation. Gary said that people ask when they are dark when they're asking about vacation time. He said that's what people use in the industry.
Gary said that they accuse him of saying this stuff every day and he doesn't do that. Gary said he doesn't constantly do it. Jon said that Robin seems to think he does. Gary said she must have caffeine in her head or something.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary goofs on Sal about using comedy terms. Gary said that no one else uses those terms like Sal does. Benjy said that most comedians know what they mean though.
The caller asked if they would let Jackie come in and stand around by the toilets for a while instead of letting him in the studio. Gary didn't seem to think it was all that funny. Gary told the guy it wasn't clever and it's not funny. He said it's retarded.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked how Robin does her job every day. Gary said that she'll pull stuff and she has other guys pull stuff for her. The caller, Wheels, said that Robin screws it up every day. He said that she's awful and Lisa G is even worse at doing the news. He said that she messes things up all the time too. He asked to bring back Penny Crone. Gary said that he's not sure how to answer that. He said that Robin gets things wrong but so do regular news outlets. He said that Lisa G isn't doing hard hitting news stories either so he's not sure why they would get so upset.
Gary said that Lisa G broke a big news story on Friday when she broke the news that he and Jon were out skiing. Jon just said ''ugh... whatever.''
Jon and Gary talked about how Tommy didn't know he was on the air when he came in. Gary said that Howard is very conversational too and Tommy apparently didn't know that Howard was talking because he was on radio.
Gary said that they didn't have Scott setting up the amp today so they couldn't blame him for the weird sound.
Jon talked about the stories Tommy was telling about that guy Morris Levy and what was going on with the mob and all of that. They went over some of that stuff and played some audio from the interview where they were talking about the song ''Crimson and Clover.''
Ronnie came in and talked about the Tommy James interview. He said that a lot of people may not even know who he is but he likes his stuff. Jon asked if he was a fan of all of this stuff like ''Crystal Blue Persuasion.'' Ronnie said that one he wasn't such a big fan of. He said he liked some of the other fast stuff. He said he liked ''Mony Mony'' and things like that.
Benjy asked Gary about the book Tommy wrote and if he had anything in there about what ''Crimson and Clover'' was really about. Gary told Benjy about what he had read about in the book and there were some things he did when he was on some psychedelic drugs.
Jon asked Ronnie who else he was a fan of growing up. He said he was into the Doors the Bee Gees and Cher. Ronnie said he liked The Doors whole album. He said that he couldn't remember all of the songs. He said his head was blank trying to think of the songs he liked. Ronnie said he was into Neil Diamond and Paul Anka too. He said he liked the faster stuff from them.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Ronnie has to stick to talking about cars. The guy asked if he read the book that Tommy put out or did he listen to it. Gary said he actually read the actual book.
Ronnie said he saw Tim sneaking a ruggela last Wednesday when the Crumbs stuff came up. He said he feels comfortable doing that now that Doug brought it up.
The guys talked about Tim's diet and how Robin had him on that for a while. He went through a long period of drinking that green drink stuff and he suffered through that for a long time. Ronnie said eating real food once in a while isn't such a bad thing. He said you'll go out of your mind if you don't eat.
Jon and Gary were saying that Tim's clothes are getting tighter lately. Ronnie said that they're always tight.
Doug called in and said he thought Tim would have a sense of humor about this and he figured he would laugh it off. He said he didn't know he was going to take it so seriously.
Benjy asked if Tim was that pissed in the hall. Doug said he was upset and he wasn't the usual Jolly Tim out in the hall. He said they had a great time in Florida too so he thinks they'll get over it.
Gary said Doug might get upset if they bring something up about him. Ronnie said that Doug is a weirdo about his house so they could goof on him about that. Doug didn't know what he was talking about. Doug said that Ronnie is so miserable out in the hall and he's no fun to be around. Ronnie told him to stay away from him and keep their cameras away from him too. Gary said that Tim felt blind sided by that and that's what hurt him the most.
Jon asked Ronnie if he's been hiding lately. Ronnie said he's just minding his own business and staying quiet out there. He said he still talks to Scott. He said he doesn't care about the cookies and cupcakes. He said he's not sure who opens them up anymore. He said he doesn't even want to talk about that anymore. He said he doesn't care.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if he and Robin talk to each other the way they did today all the time. Gary said that they have worked together for a long time so they can bust on each other like that.
Jon said that Ronnie hasn't been coming back and talking to them like he used to. Ronnie said he's just doing his thing and standing in the hall. He said he talks to Scott the Engineer and Lisa but he doesn't go back to the area were Jon hangs out.
Jon took another call where a guy brought up the Academy Awards and goofed on the writers of the show for the way they were joking about people in the audience. The caller said that Howard would have been a better writer for that show. The guy was explaining the jokes they were telling and how lame he thought they were.
Jon Hein said that he wouldn't know because he's a Cablevision customer. He said they came back during the show but he wasn't waiting for it to come back.
Gary and Jon talked about the Cablevision thing and went over what was going on with them. Jon asked Ronnie what he thought of the Oscar's. Ronnie was very low key and said that he just thought they were alright.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Tim Sabean is a bore and he's never thought he had much of anything to say. He said Tom Chiusano had a lovable character almost. Gary said that Tom is a great guy and a lovable guy but Tim is the kind of guy who will get drunk and have fun. He said that he'll party.
Ronnie said Tom was never like that. He would always stay laid back and never drink or anything. He said that he was always the boss. Ronnie said that's what it seems like Tim is trying to become these days.
Ralph called in and talked about the women on the Oscar's last night. He said that they come up with these weird trends like the long things covering up the women's legs and stuff like that. He said that it's one hair guy who gets his hands on a bunch of women and does that. He said that he looks at it and wonders why Sandra would come out in clown lipstick. He said they must have bad stylists. Gary said that Entertainment Weekly did a thing about the best fashion from the shows over the years and they had one of Claire Danes who looked like shit and he didn't get it at all.
Benjy said that you want to look presentable at the show. Gary said that he has been attracted to Sandra Bullock in the past and last night he wasn't. They also talked about Sarah Jessica Parker and how she was showing far too much face. Ralph said even Sarah has said that she has a horse face and she had her hair pulled back way too far. Gary asked where she said that. Ralph said his mother told him that.
Jon asked Ralph if he hated that Avatar didn't win. Ralph said that he was upset about that. He said that ''The Hurt Locker'' wasn't all that great. He said that he would have picked ''Up In the Air'' over even Avatar.
Ralph asked about Molly Ringwald and what a mess she is. Gary said that her hair was bad and she had big, broad shoulders. He said that none of them looked good up on stage. They talked about some of the John Hughes movie stars and they were shocked. Gary said his wife was shocked by Ally Sheedy. None of them grew up very well. He thought it was a good tribute to John Hughes though.
Gary said that Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick came out and then all of the kids who had worked with Hughes over the years got to say a few lines. Gary said it was actually pretty good. He said his family was there to see it all so they were paying tribute to them. They had to go to break after that.
Will said that they were kind of fun and it was nice to have two normal girls get topless in there. Gary said that they figured them doing comedy topless would be kind of cool.
The guys talked about the comedy they were doing and Benjy said he thought the second girl had something that kind of came through on the air.
Jon asked if the guys were surprised that the one girl was into Chaz Bono. Gary said that sometimes they'll have a girl in that you'd expect to go for someone hot and they go in weird directions. Benjy said he'd like to dress up like a chick to see if he could get chicks like that. Gary said that he might do well doing something like that. Benjy said that he might be able to pull it off.
Jon asked what they thought about the one girl saying that men's balls smell like mulch. Gary said that maybe they do smell that way to some. Will said that they do sweat down there so that would explain the smell.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Fred revealed why he hates Jackie so much. The guy said that during negotiations Jackie would come in with that look on his face like he fucked them and he never came back more humble. Jon had to explain it to Gary since Gary had no idea what the guy was talking about. Gary said that Jackie would always draw a line in the sand and they got fed up with him and told him to just leave if he was going to act that way every time.
The caller said he thinks that Fred finally realized that Jackie was never going to change so that's why he got upset with him.
Gary said that Jackie and Fred had some moments on the show and Jackie went in and demanded that he be credited as ''head writer'' for the Channel 9 show. He said Fred had no knowledge of what was going on so it came as a surprise to him. He said Fred didn't make a big deal out of it though.
Another caller said that Gary looks great now that he's lost some weight. He said he saw him on a show recently and he looked much better than he did a year and a half ago. Gary said that he saw some video of Scott the Engineer from about a year ago and he's lost a lot of weight too. He said he had to go in and congratulate him on the weight loss.
The caller was also telling Gary that he shouldn't have any problem getting a job if Howard retires. The guy was also asking Gary why they don't extend the controller for the Sybian so they don't have to have someone standing next to it. Gary said that's part of the whole thing they do there. The caller said it's not very erotic having someone standing there with a mask on or off. He said they just need to extend that cord.
Jon said that both Gary and Scott have kept their weight off. He said that they both have to be commended for doing that.
Benjy said that maybe they should have a controller in the green room for the Sybian that would be controlling it without the person knowing they were controlling it. He said they could have a guest in the green room and whenever they would do something it would control the Sybian.
Another caller asked Gary about his athlete's foot problem. Gary said that he took care of that and he doesn't have it anymore. Gary said that he can't help getting it either so he's not sure why Robin used that in her argument today.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he heard that Jessica Simpson is actually dating the guy from ''The Hurt Locker.'' Gary looked it up and they say that they did exchange numbers but that was it. He said he doesn't get why she has to date famous people. Will said he doesn't get the Billy Corgan story because the Smashing Pumpkins haven't been cool in like 20 years.
Jon took another call from a woman who said she agrees with Ralph about the Avatar thing. She said that The Hurt Locker wasn't all that good and she think that James Cameron was robbed. Gary said it almost doesn't make sense that those two movies were up against each other. He said Avatar was very good technically and the story wasn't so great. Gary said that Hurt Locker was very slow moving but the story was good.
The caller said her daughter loved Avatar and she didn't care about the story. She said that James Cameron will have the last laugh though because it will make tons of money. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started the show trying to figure out how to use his deep voice harmonizer on his board. He said it was too complicated. He eventually got it working and his voice was a little too deep. Howard tried to get Robin in on that too but it wasn't working. He asked Scott why that wasn't working. Scott came in and figured it out for him. Scott told him where he had to have it set. They got Robin's voice into it. Howard and Robin did their Bob and Ray voices for a short time.
Howard was telling Robin that he may have changed her permanently because he had no idea how to get her out of it. Howard was trying to figure it out on his own but Scott had to help both times. He took himself out of it and said he really wants to do it on his own. He said he gets mad at Scott but he really knows what he's doing.
Howard tried it again without Scott and got it this time. Howard was popping both of them in and out. He said it was taking too long though.
Howard said he has the Autotune thing set up on his board too. He said that will change his voice when he sings. He was going to demonstrate it but he didn't have anything to sing to. He asked Fred to dig something up. Fred looked for something. He had no idea what to look for. Howard told him to get Purple Rain and he'd have Jason print out the lyrics from the internet.
Howard said he wants to test out this new Autotune thing. He said a lot of singers can't sing so they have that weird effect on their voices in a lot of songs. He said that people like it.
Howard said he wanted to watch the people in the John Hughes tribute on the Academy Awards. He said that Macauley Culkin still looks like a kid but an old kid. He said Anthony Michael Hall doesn't look like himself anymore. He said he went the opposite direction. Judd Nelson didn't look so good to him and he said they don't appear to be taking care of themselves. Howard said he's older than they are and he thinks he looks better. Howard said Molly Ringwald got very large. Ally Sheedy looked odd too. He said it was depressing to see that group.
Howard said that they left out Farrah Fawcett in the tribute to the people who died and she was in like 10 movies. Howard said that they're saying that they couldn't put everyone in there but they could have. She was a pretty big icon when you think about it. Howard said when you see the people who died you feel alone. He said that they remind you of who died last year and it would have been a nice farewell to Farrah. Howard said he never thought she'd die before Abe Vigoda and Abe is still alive. Everyone thinks he's dead.
Howard asked Fred if he had Purple Rain yet. Fred said he did have it. Howard turned on the Autotune thing and said it was going to be interesting to hear how it sounds. Howard had Fred play the song and he said he'd finally be in tune.
Howard sang the song but it wasn't sounding in tune to him. Howard said it wasn't enough of an effect. Howard wasn't hearing it. He was calling Scott a dick wad. He said that he wasn't hearing the weird effect. Scott said they were hearing it out there. Gary said that they heard it in the office. Howard said that he wanted to hear it where it flips his voice. He said that he was going off tune and it wasn't sounding off tune to him.
Scott told Howard it was set. Howard asked how it was different than his voice. It was feeding back and making a lot of noise. Howard told Scott it wasn't working. Scott said it can't fake it, it can only correct so much.
Howard kicked Scott out of the studio saying that he knows when an effect is on and it wasn't on. Howard told Fred to turn off that bed too. Howard said Scott wasted thousands of dollars on that thing. He said it wasn't working and it was just doubling his voice. Howard told Fred to give him Purple Rain again and he'd try it out again.
Fred started the song over and said it's really not set up properly. He said whatever he was singing was his tune. He sang again and it was starting to do it a little more than before. Howard still wasn't happy. Scott was changing the settings and it was flipping his voice now. Howard said if he wants it to work right he'd have to have Scott's son in the room with his band.
Howard sang the song with that awful effect on his voice for a couple of minutes. Howard said it still sounded like shit though. He said it was making him sound worse. Someone suggested he try some reverb on it. Howard kept going and it wasn't working on him.
Howard gave up and thanked Scott for the help. He said that they didn't have enough effect on it. Scott said that they set it up with some general baseline settings and Howard's voice was in a different key so he had to change it. Howard thanked him again and said he loves Scott because he's such a sad sack. Howard asked Scott if he was alright. Scott said he's fine. Howard was afraid that he was going to snap. Scott said there is no more snapping for him.
Howard said he's never going to use that thing again. He said he wanted to try it out but he wasn't tricking anyone with his singing.
Howard said he's really not caring so much about the awards anymore. Robin said she still watches that one and she's not sure what her fascination is with them. Robin said that these people are creative when they're not sitting in that room. When they're there, it's not so creative.
Howard said he watches the show because he feels that everyone is interested in it. If he wasn't in radio he's not sure he would watch it.
Howard said that Jesse Ventura is coming in today. He said that guy is pretty interesting. Fred said he has some interesting stuff to talk about and he saw him on Larry King Live last night. He said the story he's telling was pretty interesting and he's getting his information from a book called ''Manhunt: The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer.''
Gary came in and talked about that too. He said he heard about what the conspiracy was in that book about President Lincoln.
Howard said Jesse has a conspiracy theory for just about everything. They've spoken to him about 9/11 a few times. Howard said that someone was suggesting they take bets on how many times he brings up Navy Seals. He brings that up every time he's on the show too.
Howard took a call from a guy who had called in yesterday about his 8 year old daughter who tried to commit suicide. He said he made a comment about that girl from ''Precious'' and his wife went off on him about that. He said that he wasn't lying about his daughter though. He said Robin didn't believe it but that story was definitely 100 percent true. Howard said he didn't have to apologize to them. He said she should be apologizing to that chick from Precious, Gabourey Sidibe.
Howard said that they did 3D back when they did Butt Bongo Fiesta. Howard said he and Jessica Hahn did a bit where they were in a jungle and they had an elephant crapping in the studio. Howard and Robin talked about that bit they did and how hot Jessica was. Howard talked about the elephant and the love scenes they had. Howard said that they had some weird thing where they had to move things to the right to make the 3D work. He said he can't imagine what James Cameron had to do to direct that movie of his. He said they had Gary eating crap out of his diaper in that segment and it wasn't making sense at all. He said they did try though.
Howard said the 3D stuff kind of worked but some of the stuff wasn't showing. Howard said they had the worst cardboard glasses for that video. He said they didn't have anything new to introduce like Jim Cameron did.
Howard read that some chef made cheese out of his wife's breast milk. Howard read that story and Robin said she's glad she heard the name of the restaurant so she doesn't go there. Howard was grossed out by it too. He said that this should be against the law. Howard read that people were asking for samples and that was creeping him out. Howard read that the phone was ringing off the hook over it but he figured that it was the authorities calling. Howard said the world has gone insane. Howard said that's gross.
Howard said he was getting sick reading the article. They were saying that the woman whose milk it was said that she was getting a lot of creepy requests for her milk. Howard said it should be outlawed. He said it's just gross. Howard said he doesn't want a woman's breast milk.
Howard took a call from Eric the Midget (JFSC.tv) who corrected him and said it's Eric the Actor. Howard said he was in the NY Times as Eric the Midget so that's his name. Eric said that is not his name and he's Eric the Actor. He said that when he comes in to Win Sal's Money his name is going away. Eric said he has to get that producer of his away from Solitaire and book him for the show.
Howard said that if Eric isn't Eric the Midget then he wasn't in the NY Times. Eric said he doesn't care about that and that's not the nickname he wants to go by. Howard said that he's sorry but that's the name he's using.
Robin asked what they could do for Eric the Midget. Eric said he'd like to know why its been over a month since he was on the air. Howard said he can't get him on the air every day. He said judging by the email, they can't take it when he's on. Howard said they ask why he has him on and they say they have to change the channel.
Howard said Eric has trouble getting his thoughts out sometimes. Howard said people just don't care. Fred said this morning he's sucking. Howard said he doesn't know what to do with him.
Howard said the problem is that he doesn't know if Eric is going to be good or bad on the show. sometimes he's just too busy to get to him. Robin said he must have something to say now that he hasn't been on for a month. Eric said that for starters Thursday is his birthday. Gary asked what kind of maniac calls in to tell everyone it's his birthday like anyone cares. Eric told him to go read.
Gary said they figured out that Eric can't add the last time he was on. He asked what 9x7 was. Eric said it was 63. Gary asked what 8x9 is. Eric thought for a minute but didn't have an answer. Gary told him he was fuckin' retarded. Eric said he isn't. Gary said he should be Eric the Retard and not Eric the Midget.
Eric told Gary to book him for the show. Gary said he's booked right now and they're asking him questions that he can't answer. Howard told Eric to give them an answer quick. Eric didn't have the answer.
Howard asked Eric what 8x10 was. Eric said it was 80. Howard asked what 8x9 was then. He said that it's easy to figure out. Eric was trying to figure it out but didn't have an answer for him.
Howard asked Eric what 8x8 was. Eric said that 8x9 was 72. Robin asked what he did to figure that out. Eric had to think about it for a minute. Howard said he must have a calculator. Eric said he had his cell phone in his hand. That's how he figured it out.
Howard told Eric that his father ended up teaching him his multiplication tables when he was a kid. He said that's what you have to do. Eric said that he graduated in 1994 and he hasn't had to do that since then. Howard said that you don't forget them once you learn them.
Gary asked Eric if he went to a regular school or a special school. Eric said it was a regular school. They heard from someone who went to school with Eric and he got all upset that they had to put a ramp in for him. The caller told them that Eric was slowing down the whole school.
Howard said that Eric didn't have much to say to them. He said he even ruined the bit by going to his cell phone to figure out the answers. Eric said he had it in his hand anyway so he used it. Howard said that's not funny when he ruins the bit. Howard said everyone enjoys the bit when he can't figure it out but he ruined it. Robin said he ruins everything like that.
Eric said he's trying to get down to L.A. to get an agent for acting. He said he'd like to meet Shorty Rossi. Howard said he had to go. He told him to call back in a week or so when something happens. He said he likes Eric but he has a way of killing everything. He said the audience just revolts when he calls in.
Howard read some email from some people who said they like the show without Artie lately. Howard read some of that and some mail about the Tommy James interview. People didn't like the music track behind him. There were some people who enjoyed hearing the interview even though they didn't like his music in the past. Howard said that there were some people who were upset that they had him on since he hasn't been a huge star since the 60s and 70s. Some people thought he was the worst musical guest ever.
Gary said he's upset by the people who ask to hear someone ''relevant'' on the show. He said that term is all relative. He said if they had someone from American Idol on the show they'd say that they suck too.
Howard said he got some mail about the leaking urine story that they talked about yesterday. One woman wrote in about it and said that it's a common thing. Robin said that they say it's 1 in 3 women who leak urine.
Howard read that Lisa G was on an episode of Iron Chef last night. Howard said he had clips from that show to play. He said he had to listen to them before playing them. He said that she must have some kind of cooking background so maybe she's a good judge.
Howard said people love the Pete the Asian Virgin game. They want more. Howard said he got some feedback about the comedians they had on the show yesterday. He said that he thought they were good but some of the fans thought they were bad. One guy said that he thought about changing the channel for the first time in 2 years.
Howard read some mail about Robin getting a cold and how people were going off on her about that since she's always saying she doesn't get sick.
Howard read an email about how he's picking on Gary too much. The writer said that he has done some legendary stuff goofing on Gary but he has to stop. Howard said if it's legendary then why would he want him to stop it?
Howard saw that Gary had a whole feast going on in his office. Gary said that he has to watch his diet because he has kidney stones. He said that he has more starting even after he got rid of the last one. He has to drink water with lemon every morning and he has to take pills to try and keep them from forming again.
Howard said he was thinking of starting to take baby aspirin to stop heart problems. He said that it goes against his whole holistic thing. Robin said that life has been extended even before the baby aspirin. Howard said he doesn't like taking pills like that.
Benjy said that aspirin is made out of bark. Robin said that it's not natural. She said that it's known to give ulcers. Benjy said that's why they suggest baby aspirin. Benjy said that they have done studies over the years but they don't have everything exact. Howard said Robin has gone kind of overboard with her thoughts on that stuff but he's leaning more toward her side.
Robin read a story about a guy who almost died from a super bug because they've gotten so strong. That's because of the antibiotics that they've created.
Howard said that he sees someone like Roger Ebert who lived a very unhealthy life getting cancer. He said that's what he wants to avoid. Howard said he doesn't want to end up like the guy in the movie who can only blink to communicate. Howard said you can't have yourself killed when you get something like that. He said he wouldn't want to be alive if he was just blinking. He said he'd rather go meet his maker.
Howard said he got a note from his friend who produces The Bachelor. He said he's willing to give Gary an internship on the show so he can learn the ropes. He said he'd be getting coffee and stuff like that for the crew. Howard said his friend says that Gary would have a grasp of the terminology for the business if he went there. Gary said he was going to pass on that offer and hold out for paid work. Howard seems to think Gary should go for it.
Robin asked Howard if he watched the wedding last night. Howard said he did see some of it but it was boring. He said it was mind numbing.
Howard had Captain Janks on the phone. He had a list of TV terms for Gary to figure out. Janks said that the first one was a Train Wreck. He said that's when something goes wrong during a broadcast. Howard said ''a bird'' is a satellite. Janks asked what a gang bang was. It's a cluster of microphones. Gary knew that one.
Janks had a bunch of others but Howard bailed on him. He said he had to move on. Howard said he had some other ones like ''Hard out'' and ''billboard.'' That's a teaser for a show. Howard said that he had some other ones like ''cross scripting'' and ''noddies.'' They went through those and Gary was able to figure out some of them. Howard said there are ''baggers'' and those are things that you can air at any time. Howard said that's kind of like ''evergreen.''
Sticks refer to a tripod. Gary said that someone will bring that up at the press conference tomorrow. That led to the guys talking about the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant that they're having tomorrow. They're down to just 3 contestants and Gary said he'll talk about why the 4th one dropped out tomorrow.
Howard took a call from Cyrus who went off on Mo'Nique for a minute. Howard had to go to break a short time later. He said that they'd talk about the beauty pageant and stuff since he has a bunch of audio clips to play for that. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Howard asked Lisa why she kept it secret that she was on Iron Chef. Lisa said she did talk about it in August and she thought it was going to air in June. She didn't even know it aired. Lisa said she was kind of upset that she wasn't able to promote it. She said that she wasn't able to tell anyone what the secret ingredient was on the show. She said it as prosciutto. She said the food was really good too. Robin explained to Howard what the show is all about. Lisa said that she had a lot of fun doing the show.
Howard asked how a show like that is successful. Lisa said it's very successful. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how it's like watching professional chef's in a kitchen under pressure. Howard said he's not sure he could watch that. He said his mom liked to watch cooking shows and she didn't like it when they didn't take it seriously. Howard said that there was one guy who mixed in comedy with the cooking and his mom would get pissed. He did an impression of her getting mad at this guy who joked around during his cooking.
Howard talked about his mother telling him that they weren't doing the cooking show right and how they had to take the comedy out so they could give her the ingredients and stuff. Howard had his mother telling him that they shouldn't be competing in a show like that. Robin said that show is one of the greatest shows. She said it started in Japan and she enjoys watching those old shows. Robin said they asked her to be a judge on that show but she doesn't eat any of that kind of food anymore. She said she's a vegan now so she can't eat that stuff.
Robin wondered what Howard's mother would like on the food channel. Howard said she might like some but there are others she'd get upset over. Howard said she doesn't like shtick.
Lisa asked what kind of food Howard's mother made for him. Howard did his mom's voice and said that she'd cook pasta and things like that. He said she had a heavy hand with fried and breaded food. He said she'd make veal cutlets with corn and butter. She'd make potatoes with chicken schmaltz is in it. He said she fried a lot of stuff and he had to stop eating it. He said he used to eat stuff out of a can and that really upset her. He said she took that as a major rejection. Howard said he wanted to eat out of a can or eat TV dinners.
Howard said he loved Chef Boyardee and Franco American. He said he ate it all. He liked Beefaroni in college. He doesn't eat that stuff now. He said he thinks he did it just to piss his mom off.
Howard said he's never met a more opinionated person other than his mother. He said that she was watching CNN and got upset about the scroll on the bottom of the picture. He said that she went off on CNN for doing that because people can't multitask. Howard said she complained about how horrible it was. He said she says it as ''harrible'' of course. Howard said he told her that kids can multitask these days but she doesn't buy that. He said she'll say there is no such thing.
Howard said his mom might be right about the multitasking. He said he can't do that himself. Howard said his mother thinks that reading fast is multitasking but that's not right. Howard said she's very opinionated and he's easily swayed by her. He said that's why he's at the shrink. He hears her voice in his head all the time. Fred threw in that clip of his mom saying ''Hello!?!'' and some other clips.
Howard did the impression of his mother for a few more minutes and goofed on her. He said if he were a judge on American Idol he would put on a dress and do his mom's voice.
Lisa got back to her news preview and talked about someone she interviewed about the Oscar's and the stuff women were wearing there. Lisa said that this woman told her that women are told to show off their necks and shoulders so that's why so many had their hair up. Howard said it looked bad though. They have beautiful hair and they should leave it down. Robin said she's never seen the hair look so bad.
Howard said the only girl that looked nice was Hillary Swank. He said these women looked like something out of the Victorian era.
Lisa said they spoke to George Takei and his husband Brad walking the red carpet. Howard said George is coming in soon. He said that he's going to ask him about going to the awards and why he does that. He figured George would tell him he enjoys it but he really doesn't need to be there. He said it comes across as desperate. Howard did his impression of George for a short time and had him talking about how much he enjoys the Academy Awards show. Howard figured he knew what he was going to say already. Howard stayed in his George character for a couple of minutes talking about that stuff.
Howard was saying that George and Brad probably had sex on Sunday since that's their sex day. Howard said George probably came on Brad's face in the shower. Howard asked if that's degrading. He asked if Lisa had ever had that done to her. Lisa said she hadn't had that.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that they had someone listen to LSA's ''Bump Bump'' song and they suggested that they play it on another channel instead of Hits 1. They suggested putting it on The Heat instead. Howard said he thought those guys were good. Howard said they didn't sound any shittier than anyone else. He said they were nice guys too.
Lisa said that Gary took Jason and Jon Hein skiing this past weekend. Jason didn't even attempt to ski and Jon stuck to the bunny hill. Lisa said that Jason stuck by the fire and he claimed that he pulled a ham string.
Howard thanked Lisa for the update and let her go after that. He and Robin spent a minute talking about the staff ski trip that Gary took the guys on. Howard said that he would be with Jason sitting by the fire. He said he wouldn't risk hurting himself.
Gary said Jason enjoyed it and he can't blame him for just hanging out. He said they did beg him to get on skis though. Gary said Jon progressed pretty fast skiing. He hadn't been skiing in about 20-25 years so he was sticking to the bunny hill.
Howard said Jason and the guys shared a room and Jason snored the whole night. Gary said he thought it was Jon snoring but it turned out to be Jason. He said that Jason claimed it was Jon too.
Gary said he can only have as much as they have. Howard told Gary to take his name down and they'd call him the next time they play.
The caller told Howard he has to make fun of Jackie for his appearance on ''Leverage.'' Howard said he had some other Jackie stuff to play too. He was on Jay Thomas' show too. Howard said Jackie had a promo that ran after the show yesterday and it didn't make any sense to him. Howard said he defies anyone to figure out what he's talking about.
Howard said he asked Gary what that promo was. Gary told him it was a promo for his show. Howard said he told Gary to tell Tim to take control of that and shorten the promos. He said all he heard was Jackie going on and on about something and had no idea what it was.
Howard was going to get into that but he had to take a break and Fred didn't have to promo to play. He said they could pull it during the break. Howard said that he wants to talk to JD about his date too. He said that's what they'll talk about after the break. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that phone call was his favorite that Sal and Richard have ever done. He was also asking what happened to Beck. He said you never hear from him anymore. Howard said he likes the effect he had on his voice at the start of the song. Robin said she thinks he got away from doing songs like that. Howard asked why. He said the guy was really good.
Howard said he went to the Bahamas with some dudes after his divorce. He said that they went down there to Paradise Island and he got bummed out. He said there were like 10 million tourists down there and it was insane. He said it wasn't relaxing at all. He said his friend Jerry ran the place but he asked to get the fuck out of there as soon as he got there. Howard said he felt like one of the fish in the fish tank. Howard said his friend told him they have another island for the celebrities. Howard said he thinks they just brought him through the lobby to show him off.
Howard said he just wanted to go home but Jerry told him to go to this other spot. He said that he needed privacy so that's what he got. He said he chilled out and had a nice time. Howard said the only other celebrity there was Star Jones. Robin said that's her buddy. Howard said this was back in her fat days and she was the size of a whale. Howard asked if she's really friendly with her. Robin said they just hang when they see each other.
Howard said she's only hanging because she's not on The View anymore. Howard said he and Star were giving each other dirty looks down there in the Bahamas. He said he just kind of hung out there and then his friend told him that some guy wanted him to come on his yacht with his family. It was some rich guy with a huge yacht. Howard said he was told he could bring his friends with him. Howard said the guy only wanted him there because he was famous. Howard said he only had 3 days there and he didn't want to hang with the family. Howard said his friend checked into it and the guy was willing to kick his family off the yacht. Howard said he had second thoughts about it and figured he'd go if he was just the captain of the ship. Howard said people are insane.
Howard said he's a douche and he's not sure why anyone would want to hang out with him. Howard asked if he had to talk to the guy. He fond out he didn't even have to do that. Howard said it was him and all of his buddies and they all go to go hang out on the yacht. He took the guy up on his offer.
Howard said he remembers them playing some Beck on the yacht. He said they may have had some weed on the yacht but he didn't do it because he gets way to paranoid. Howard said they went snorkeling and stuff too. He said he almost drown in those flippers they have. Howard said they went to some island and there was nothing going on there so they went back to the boat. Howard said they had the boat the whole day so they stayed on it the whole time.
Howard said the guy was a good guy and he actually spoke to him for a long time. He said it was one of those weird days when a guy gave him a boat just because he's a celebrity.
Howard said when he was in Washington DC he had a guy begging him to sleep with his girl. Howard said the guy wanted him to kiss her and then told him he could fuck her. Howard said he was married but this girl was gorgeous. Howard said some people just don't care and they want it. He said the guy was kind of scary but she wanted it.
Howard played the audio of Ashburn talking to someone on a radio show and admitting that he is gay. He was telling the host that he it's been difficult for him to say that but he is gay. Howard said it doesn't matter, he's a drunk driver. Howard said that's what he's upset about.
Howard said he finds this fascinating. He played more of the audio of Ashburn talking about how he'd like people to pray for him. The host was saying that's what she's been doing for him the past few days. She was also asking if he has a saving faith. Robin figured he was Baptist based on his answers to those questions. Ashburn said that was very personal to him.
Howard played more of the audio and found out that he's actually catholic, not Baptist. Howard said that he is going to change the way he votes now that he's come out gay. Howard said he'd have to be insane not to vote for gay rights. Ashburn said he's going to stick to voting the way he has been. Howard said he's going to continue to vote like an asshole.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that guy was picked up in a state issued vehicle too. The guy said that's insane. Howard agreed with him on that.
Howard read some more details about that. Robin said that she just read something about the guy on Will and Grace who was very flamboyant. She said that Sean Hayes was his name. Robin said that she just read that he has just come out to Advocate magazine. Robin said she thought he was always out.
Howard said he asked Gary why it was so long. He played the rest of the promo and said he doesn't understand it. He said he wanted it off the air. He said he went berserk when he heard it. He said that Jackie should just promote the show saying that he does a show there whenever it airs. Howard said he still doesn't know what it means.
Howard said Jackie wants to come back to the show now. He said that he was talking to Sid Rosenberg about it. Howard said he got an email from Jackie where he was talking about that.
JD came in and told Howard where the Jackie clips were. Howard said Jackie was on the Jay Thomas show filling in for Shuli. Howard said that Jackie did a song for Jay and he let it go on far too long. Howard said he knew when to cut Jackie off but Jay just let his song go on and on.
In the clip Jackie told Jay that he put an old dirty joke to music. Jackie did the joke for Jay and Jay didn't stop him.
Howard said Jay does his show from a remote location so that might be why he lets that go on. He said if you're in the studio then you cut him off. Howard said that song went on for two more minutes after that.
Howard moved on to clips from Sid Rosenberg's show where Jackie was talking about how he thinks people are thinking more about him now that he's been on ''Leverage'' and they've been playing old clips of him in specials. Jackie said that he thinks that people want him on the show now.
Howard said the truth is that he found Jackie and put him on the show. He said things were good for years until Jackie sabotaged himself. He said now he's off the show.
Sid Rosenberg was talking about how he doesn't think that Artie is going to be back on the Howard Stern Show and now Jackie is out there saying that he'd like to be back on. Jackie said he had such a good time back on the show but he doesn't think they want him back. Jackie said Howard might only be on for another 8 months and he wouldn't mind being there for that time. Jackie said he did tell Howard he would take the job if it was offered to him.
Howard said it was fun for Jackie. He said he did email him and he said that if he gives him his old job back he'd blow him. Howard said he wrote back to Jackie saying they had a good time with him but he didn't say he'd have him back. Howard said he didn't know what to say. He said he will send him a more direct email though. He said he doesn't want Jackie on the show. He asked Robin to write that letter for him.
Howard said Jackie was on a show where he played a cop and it was 41 seconds long. He said that show was ''Leverage.'' Howard said that this is what caused all of this talk about people wanting Jackie.
Howard played the clip and Jackie was playing an evidence officer. Howard let it play and said that was Jackie for you. He said he even got to make that noise he makes. Robin said someone even walked away from him during a joke.
Howard had some audio of Bubba on TNA acting. He played that clip and Bubba was telling Hulk not to wrestle because he'll end up in a wheelchair. He and Hulk were going back and forth arguing over it. Bubba told Hulk he loves him and he promised to never work again so he can't go back. Howard said that Bubba was on fire in that clip. Robin said she felt like she was in a soap opera.
Howard said Hulk went back and wrestled anyway. He played more audio of Bubba and Hulk talking before Hulk went out to wrestle. Hulk said he didn't want to go back but he has to.
Howard said he thinks that Bubba might have a future on that show. He said he knows the lingo and he knows how to play the game.
Howard said he just saw that Jesse Ventura is there so he has to take a break and get him in there. Howard said that Jesse isn't a fan of Hulk's these days. Howard said that he really thinks Bubba has a future on that show. He said that Doug saw what Bubba was doing down on his show in Tampa. He said that they had leaches that they were putting on a guy to make him bleed last week. They had some pictures of that. They were also shooting frozen rubber balls at a guy on the show. Howard said that was enough of that and went to break.
Howard came back and had Jesse Ventura come in. Howard said he's out promoting a new book (American Conspiracies: Lies, Lies, and More Dirty Lies that the Government Tells Us). Jesse told Howard that he went from December 31st until just a couple of nights ago not watching TV. He said it felt great too. He said he doesn't even go on the internet. He said he listens to SIRIUS radio though. Robin asked what it is that's wrong with TV. Jesse said you get addicted to it and you can't go a day without looking at it. Howard said he agrees. He said he TiVo's a lot of shows. He said he used to watch Lost and he had to stop. He said he just heard that they don't have an ending for the show at all. Howard said they didn't think a thing through on that show. He said you sit and watch and waste time with that stuff. He said he has freed up hours of time every week now that he's stopped watching that and Heroes.
Jesse said he had to give up watching The Young and the Restless for 2 months. He said that he was addicted to that show. He said he hated it but then he got addicted to it in his wrestling days.
Howard asked Jesse if he started to go through withdrawals. He said he did and he started reading instead. Jesse said he has read 10 books in the past few months. He said that one year he read 17 and that was more than he read in school.
Jesse told Howard that he doesn't even have newspapers down there in Mexico where they live. He said he doesn't even have electricity. He has solar power but it's not on the grid.
Howard asked what the best books were that he read during the past few months. Jesse said there was a book about the assassination of JFK that he read that was very good. It was by Fletcher Prouty (JFK: The CIA, Vietnam, and the Plot to Assassinate John F. Kennedy). He said that the guy tells you exactly what went down and it was stunning to him. He said Oliver North wrote the opening of the book and it was very good. He told Howard the details of the story and why he liked the book so much.
Howard asked Jesse if he ever reads a book just for fun. Jesse said he doesn't like fiction so he doesn't read those kind of things.
Howard asked Jesse if he misses shows like the Academy Awards. Jesse said he saw some of the show on Sunday night when he got into town. He said he didn't have to flip it on but he hadn't had a remote in his hands for months. He said he turned the TV off when he went to sleep.
Howard told Jesse what he thought of the women at the awards and how horrible they looked. Jesse said that you never see anyone wearing that crap on the street either. Howard asked him about how the young women pull their hair into buns and what's up with that. Jesse didn't know either. Howard said that Miley Cyrus was looking too old too.
Howard told Jesse that The Hurt Locker is right up Jesse's alley. Jesse hadn't seen it yet so Howard told him what the movie was about. He said that they show that war is addictive. Jesse agreed with that. He said there were people who did many years in the service. He said he knew one guy who did 20 years and he told him that he wasn't good in peace time so he had to get out. He needed to fight or he had to get out. He said that things are actually better in the service when war is going on because they don't get on you about your hair not being cut or your boots not being tied correctly. When war is over that's when they start giving people a hard time.
Howard asked Jesse about the Don't ask Don't Tell rules being dropped. Jesse said that he's all for anyone who is willing to fight for this country. He said that he'll go right up to any gay man or woman and shake their hand if they want to fight.
Howard and Jesse talked more about the Hurt Locker. Jesse asked if it was as good as Full Metal Jacket. Howard and Robin said it was. They ended up talking about that movie a little bit. Jesse said he felt that movie was very accurate and it felt like real war.
Howard asked Jesse about Governor Patterson and how they're trying to get him out of office. Howard said they're trying to get him thrown out for accepting free Yankee tickets. Jesse said there has to be more to it than that. Howard said there was some other stuff like one of his staff members allegedly beating his wife and after Patterson called her, she dropped the charges. Howard said there is some controversy over that stuff.
Howard mentioned Richard Nixon during the governor discussion and Jesse said that you have to read his book because Nixon may have been set up. Jesse told Howard what he has in the book about Nixon and the conspiracy theory that the CIA may have set it up and allowed themselves to get caught. He had some interesting stuff about G. Gordon Liddy admitting to some stuff about Watergate and how it was about as accurate as a flat world map.
Jesse said they built this book on facts too. He said they have all of the paperwork to prove it. Jesse and Howard spent a short time going over the details of that conspiracy theory. Jesse was saying that the reason Kennedy was assassinated is because the country wanted to go to war and Kennedy was trying to stop it. He said that Linden Johnson also reversed Kennedy's Vietnam plans and dedicated more people to the war.
Jesse also had some thoughts about how there was a second shooter for Kennedy and how there is a missing bullet. Jesse had a lot of details about how that would have worked and how there had to have been a second shooter.
Howard said they will never know the whole truth about that. He said it's all speculation. Howard said that he was watching TV the other day and saw that Coca Cola was promoting healthy hearts but they sell chemicals in their sugar water. Howard said that's a conspiracy about that. Jesse said that he agrees with Howard on that. He said that they should have warnings at McDonald's too. He said that stuff will kill you in 30 days and cigarettes take 30 years but they still have warnings on them.
Howard said that he knows people who at that shitty food and they had a woman on the show yesterday who was saying she still eats McDonald's even after she had surgery to lose weight. He said her health insurance covered that and it pisses him off that he's paying for that.
Howard and Jesse also talked about the rules for corporations being allowed to donate to politicians. They went over that for a minute.
Howard asked Jesse if he still believes there is global warming. Jesse said he does and he doesn't like the solution because it's not going to help. He said it's just going to cost money and they're using it as an excuse to create a world government. He said he's upset about the solution because it's just not going to work.
Howard asked Jesse if he heard them talking about Hulk Hogan earlier. Jesse said he did and he thought that Hulk was out of wrestling based on that book he came out with. Jesse said that he walked away from wrestling in 1990 and never looked back. He said he could never go back.
Jesse admitted that he had watched the Super Bowl during that time he took off from watching TV. He said ''football don't count'' when it comes to watching TV.
Howard was also talking to Jesse about YouTube and how they get away with stealing content. Jesse said they can't regulate the internet but he agrees that they should be getting the rights and paying for stuff that's copyrighted.
Jesse told Howard that he thinks that we will have a major confrontation with Iran in the next couple of years. Howard had asked about them becoming a nuclear country and that's why he was talking about that.
Howard asked about Sarah Palin and what he thinks about her. Jesse said that she was not qualified to be Vice President when she was running. He said that if she had finished her four years as governor then he would have said that she would have been qualified. He thinks that they were trying to get the female vote and that's why they picked her.
Howard told Jesse that he doesn't like Sarah Palin but he does want to fuck her. Jesse said he doesn't want to fuck her but his wife looks kind of like her and he does like it when she puts on those glasses that she wears. Jesse said that he misses his wife and he's really going to miss her for two weeks while he's away. He said that she does Yoga and she trains very hard to stay in shape.
Jesse told Howard that the older he gets the more he's attracted to older women. He said that he looks at the younger women and he thinks of them as kids. Howard said that sounds healthy to him. He asked how he has fun with his wife. Jesse said that she's fun so he doesn't know what it's like to have someone who isn't fun.
Howard asked how old a woman would have to be for him to date. Jesse said they'd have to be 30 or above. He said he couldn't sleep with someone in their 20s. He said they wouldn't have anything in common.
Jesse said he doesn't even see his wife aging. He said that he sees the woman he met 35 years ago. He said that he's not sure what he'd do if she died.
Howard asked Jesse when he was seriously tempted to cheat on his wife. Jesse said that he can't even recall. He told Howard that you're only tempted if you put yourself in a position to be tempted. He said he doesn't go out at night or anything like that. He said that he will stay inside when he goes on trips. He said he won't put himself in that position of danger.
Howard said that guys don't look at the guilt of what they're doing and how they're going to lose everything if they do that kind of thing. Robin said that he's basically saying that they're stupid. Jesse said when he moved to Mexico he didn't want to go after the dollar anymore and he wouldn't want to lose his wife and half his money doing some kind of bullshit like that.
Howard asked if his wife annoys him at all. Jesse said that they all do that at times. He said that she's a ''hider'' and she hides stuff that he can't find. Howard asked what it was that she hid on him. He said she's an obsessive cleaner and she constantly hides stuff from him. He said he still loves her though.
Howard gave Jesse a plug for his book ''American Conspiracies: Lies, Lies, and More Dirty Lies that the Government Tells Us'' and talked about the conspiracy thing. Howard said he doesn't believe that people are that planned out and they couldn't come up with this stuff. Howard said that he was part of a conspiracy once and he pulled it off. Jesse asked what it was. Howard said he sat down with Ivan Reitman and a writer for his movie. He said that they had the movie pretty figured out but they had to figure out how to make it work for women. He said that they had to figure out how to manipulate women into liking it. He said they had to make it acceptable to women. He said they had 3 or 4 scenes that would make women respond. Howard said they were able to do that. He said they weren't harming anyone by doing that though. He said there may be people out there who do stuff like that to harm though.
Howard asked Jesse if he heard this theory that the geese that flew into the plane that Sully was flying were trained by Al Queda. Jesse laughed. Howard said the whale that ate the woman the other day was another conspiracy. Jesse said he can defend his theories. He said that the geese thing can't be for real. Howard said that's on the internet. Jesse told him that he can take that to the bank then.
Howard asked Jesse if he thinks that Obama is going to see another term. Jesse said he thinks that he will do another term. He said that he should be able to win back a lot of nay sayers. He said he's the best talker since John F. Kennedy. Jesse told Howard that Hawaii has state run health care and they're doing just fine with it. Howard said Rush Limbaugh was talking about how great it was until he found out it was state run.
Howard asked Jesse if the thinks that American Idol is fixed. Jesse said he doesn't know. He doesn't watch that stuff.
Howard gave Jesse a plug for a book signing he's doing. Jesse said he won't be shaking hands this time. He said he got sick for 5 days the last time he was out shaking hands. Jesse said he doesn't want to get sick again. Howard said maybe it was the CIA that got him sick by making people shake his hand. Howard said that they have to stop the hand shaking thing. He said he's constantly using Purell. Howard asked where that whole hand shaking thing came from. Jesse said he'd like to know where ties came from. He talked about how ridiculous they are. Howard said that he got made fun of for wearing a scarf the other day and a tie is just as wacky.
Howard said he never wears a tie. Jesse said he wore a tie when he was Governor but not anymore. He said that it was protocol at the time so that's why he did it when he was governor. He said he had to learn that he was the guy representing the state at the time. Jesse said he now just wears a jacket with a t-shirt under it. Howard said that's what he does when he goes out too.
Jesse said he hasn't worn a suit since he got out of the service. He said that he will wear a nice jacket but he doesn't let anyone tell him what to wear anymore. He said that he still wears some of his pins and stuff from the service. He said that he has those pins tattooed on his body too. He said he didn't do that until he was 50.
Howard said that they had this over/under thing for Jesse mentioning the Navy Seals thing and he didn't bring it up all that many times today. He came right in at 5 which was the over/under number.
Howard asked Jesse if he's doing movies anymore. Jesse said he did one with the Wachowski brothers but they're not even brothers anymore. He said that one of them has become Lana. Howard asked if he looks like a dude in a dress. Jesse said that he looks feminine but not like a pretty woman. Howard asked if he came on to him at all. Jesse said he didn't. Howard asked if Jesse thinks that he's a handsome man. He said he doesn't think he's ugly but he doesn't think that he's that handsome.
Jesse told Howard that he's not sure what this movie is going to be about. He said there was no script and there was no story. He said that they made him up to look really odd and it's supposed to be 100 years in the future. He said they had him talking about the current war in Iraq and he was doing it while looking like a maniac. He said that it took 2 hours to make him up in this make up. He said he doesn't even know what the movie is going to be about but he got paid to do it. He said that Michael Cain has said that he does the best he can and he doesn't take the blame for the movie if it sucks.
Jesse said that they had Lana questioning him and he was being asked these questions by a woman who used to be a man. He said he can't wait to see how this movie turns out. Howard and Jesse spent a few more minutes talking about that sex change thing.
Howard said that they had this Toula come on the show. He said that she was a James Bond girl but she used to be a man. Howard said that he had her on the show and she tried to grab his knob and he got a little bit hard. He said he didn't get fully hard. He said he's not sure he could have sex but he may have taken a hand job. Jesse said that he could do that himself though.
Howard gave Jesse some more plugs for some appearances he's making to sign his book. He's going to be all over New York and New Jersey signing books. He asked that people not ask to shake his hand because he got sick last time. Howard told him to carry around that Purell stuff like he does. Jesse said he's not that well thought out. He does wear a fanny pack so he could carry it around. He said it usually has a 9mm in it. Jesse said he has a concealed carry license so he can carry it in some states. He said in Minnesota he can carry but he's not sure if he can carry in New York.
Howard asked what he carries. He said he carries a 9mm with black talon bullets in it. He said those bullets were outlawed and he went down and cleared the shelves at the gun shop.
Howard asked Jesse if he has ever killed a man. Jesse said he won't answer that because it's a very personal question. Howard said he assumes that he has killed someone while he was in the military. Jesse said that you just don't ask a man about that. Howard said he would brag if he killed anyone. Jesse told him he really wouldn't. Howard said that he tells stories even though he was never even there.
Howard asked Jesse why he can't ask a guy if he killed someone. Jesse said it's an inappropriate thing to ask. Howard said he's heard that from other vets. Jesse said his father never spoke a word about that stuff. He said he was a vet and he wouldn't talk about it.
Howard and Jesse were talking about working out and Jesse told Howard he shouldn't be running. He said he had his hip replaced and his doctor says that anyone over 40 shouldn't be running. He said the pounding is no good for you. Howard bragged that he can bench 95 pounds. Jesse asked if he was kidding. Howard said he wasn't.
Howard told Jesse to come hang out with him in the Hamptons sometime. Jesse said he will do that as long as he gives him a day to hang. Jesse said that people always tell him how great they are on the air when he comes on the show. Jesse told Howard that he is a great interviewer and he understands that he doesn't have to be the star anymore. He said Howard makes him the star and he brings himself along for the ride. Howard said his ego isn't so big that he has to take the show away from him.
Howard said the Governor has spoken for over an hour and now he has to go out and sign some books. Jesse said he's going to be there at SIRIUS all day long doing interviews.
Robin asked what they can do about the conspiracy theories. Jesse said that it's just about not being bullshitted and he wants people to know about what's going on. Howard asked if the Chilean earthquake was just an earthquake. Jesse said when he heard that the tsunami was coming he almost ran home to get his surf board that day. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said they were talking about the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant. He said they were running out of time today and had Steve Langford come in after that.
Steve said that Robin is heading down to Guatemala this weekend. Howard said that it was nice knowing her. Robin said that Jackie is ready to step in. Steve said that Robin won't be staying in a tent, she'll be staying in a luxury hotel down there. Steve said they will be going on a tour down there and they have a tour guide all set up for her and the group she's going with.
Steve said that they have an interview with Prince Frederick Von Anhalt who turns out to be a big Stern fan. They also have a story about Jeff the Drunk's fund raiser for his sister. Steve got in a plug for Jackie and Riley Martin's shows that air tonight at 7 and midnight.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down the list of subjects they had for today's show.
Howard said he had a fun fact about Jon Hein. He has never had chicken noodle soup or tomato soup in his life. Howard asked if he thinks he'd like it. Jon said he doesn't think he'd like it. Howard said that's one of his favorites. He said he loves that with grilled cheese. Robin said that was a staple for them when they were growing up. Jon said that's just not for him. Howard asked how he knows it. Jon said he has only had spaghetti once in his life. He said that wasn't for him either.
Gary told Howard that Jon loves fast food and he hates Burger King. Jon said he can't stand them and their food isn't that good. He said the way they bundle their meals isn't good and the fries are bad. He said that he likes McDonald's the best. Howard had a list of why Jon hates Burger King that he had written up quite a while ago.
Howard said that Jon also never uses condiments. Jon said he likes his food plain. He won't use dressing for his salad or anything like that. Jon had a whole list of why Burger King sucks and it ranged from their coffee cup lids sucking to their commercials sucking. Jon really thought that stuff through. He said that Jason asked him to write it all down so that's what the list was about.
Howard told Jon he doesn't get how he can't like pasta. He said he eats nothing but Italian food on the weekends. He said that's the only thing that makes you feel good. Jon said that he has had chicken parm and things like that but no pasta. Robin and Howard seemed to think that was nuts. Jon won't let his kids eat Burger King food either. Jon said he's never stopped them from going. He said he won't let them go to the bathroom in their restaurants though.
Jon said he does love pizza. Howard said he's not very consistent. He said that pasta is basically bread. Jon didn't really agree with him on that. Howard said he's missing out on a lot of stuff. Robin asked if he likes Sushi. Jon said he tried it but didn't like it. He said he will never have it again.
Gary came in and told a story about going to a Sushi restaurant out in Los Angeles. He said that it was brutal for Jon. He said that it was expensive and he didn't like it but he had no idea before they went. Jon said that he didn't drink but it cost him like $120 for 2 skewers of chicken.
Robin started her news off with a story about a condom that's extra small for boys as young as 12. Howard said that would be the right size for him. He said that he'd put it in a Magnum wrapper and then struggle to put it on. Robin said this one is called The Hot Shot. She read some details about that. Howard said he had a condom fall off one time while he was having sex. He said that was really scary and embarrassing.
Robin read a story about a poker tournament in Germany that was robbed during the game. Robin said that's kind of a new thing.
Robin read a story about how there's a black market for plastic surgery. People are getting butt implants and they're getting household caulk put into their butts. Robin said they are using regular old caulk and people are ending up in the hospital over it. Robin read about some women in New Jersey who ended up having complications from the implants.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he liked the Jesse Ventura interview. Howard said he always has a good time hanging out with him there. He said he's pretty sure he could hang out with him at dinner one night too. He said most times it doesn't work out though. He said he went out with Ben Stiller and his wife and they never got together again. He said he would have liked it but he thinks that Ben didn't have a good time. Howard said he's really not a fun guy. He said he's only good on the radio. Other than that he's pretty horrible.
Robin said that Jesse seems to be interested in having dinner. Howard said that he might end up being bored. He said it's like torture getting through a night with him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she loves when he talks about his parents on the show. She said that she can relate to having a voice in her heard. She also said that he should stick around and not leave them for good. Howard said he would like to stay but not work as many days or hours. Howard said if he got off the air at 10 he'd be happier but he ends up staying until 11. He said he has diarrhea of the mouth. Howard said that Mel knows where he'll be in a year because he can't get away from this show. Howard said Robin has to crack the whip and keep him in line so they can get out of there by 10. He told Robin to get a bell or a gong so he knows when to wrap up.
Howard said Bubba seems to be able to stick to a 4 hour show. Howard said he told Tim he wants to get off at 10 but he freaks out saying that the Wrap Up Show goes from 11 to noon. Howard said that's not his problem. Howard said maybe they could start the show at 7 or start wrapping up the show at 7.
Robin is going to get a gong to bang on when 9 o'clock rolls around. Howard told Gary to tell Tim that they're going to have to fill that hour with something. He said he has to get out of there by 10.
Robin read a story about a man who was doing circumcisions without a license. Howard wondered what kind of person would go to someone like that. Robin said the guy was doing the operations in his bedroom. He was also doing massages and piercing's without a license.
Robin read about how down at Sea World they're trying to keep the video of the death of Dawn Brancho out of the news. They have surveillance video of the death and they're trying to keep it off the internet. Howard said he agrees with the family but he would watch it if it was on the internet. Robin said she would too. Howard said he's surprised that Bubba hasn't had one of his guys get into a whale tank.
Robin read about the ratings for the Academy Awards. She said they had 43 million viewers. Howard wondered how the ratings are for Jay Leno's show. He said that Jon must know. JD came in and said that Andy Richter was on a news show talking about NBC and the Tonight Show. Howard had that audio and asked why Andy didn't come in there. JD said he'd have to talk to Gary about that. Howard sneezed and JD laughed so Robin asked why hew as laughing. JD said it was loud and he laughs at loud things like that.
Howard played the clip of Andy Richter talking to Regis and Kelly about NBC. Andy was saying that he is upset with NBC and he'd have to be some kind of self hater not to be mad at NBC. Andy said that they had pretty good ratings over the summer and then they had a new lead in and their ratings went away. Andy said that the planning that was done was very short sighted and they weren't really thinking. Andy said that they weren't thinking about the news dropping their ratings with their lead in. Andy said that their low ratings were a result of their low lead in. He said no one was pointing out that the ratings for the news was down too.
Jon Hein came in and said that they definitely tanked after Jay Leno's show started at 10 on NBC. Howard said that's like having 2 hours of Tonight Show in a row. The Letterman scandal hit around that time too.
Jon had ratings information and said that Jay is still beating Dave and he thinks that it will continue to drop and everyone will forget about Conan. He said that Conan really got screwed in this deal.
Howard had another clip of Andy Richter talking about NBC and the deal they got when they were let go. Andy said that people who were let go didn't get the kind of money that Conan got. Andy said that Conan is putting a lot of his own money out there to pay people. Andy said that everyone moved from New York to California and they're having a tough time.
JD said that in the first clip Andy talks about Leno. He said he has to let it play a little bit. Howard got back to that clip and played the part where Andy was talking about Leno. In the clip Andy was saying that Leno is claiming he was forced into what he was doing. Howard said that Andy was opening up but he didn't come on their show to do it.
Robin got back to her news and read about Dan Rather using a racial stereotype about President Obama. Robin read about that and said that Dan was saying that President Obama couldn't sell watermelons if they gave him state troopers to flag down traffic. Robin had some audio of him saying that and the interviewer was cutting Dan off in the middle of that. That all happened on the Chris Matthews show.
Robin read a story about Natalie Wood's sister wanting to get her sister's case opened up again. They think that her death may have had something to do with a fight she had gotten into with Robert Wagner. Howard said that he's in hell enough doing insurance commercials. Howard said the police investigated the case. Robin said they also investigated the Kennedy death. Robin said that the witness on the boat they were on heard Wagner arguing with Natalie and she disappeared after the fight.
Robin read some news about the breast milk cheese that Howard brought up earlier. She said that another woman was arrested for squirting her breast milk on a cop. She's been charged with felony assault on a police officer.
Robin said that Sarah Palin is admitting that she would let her kids go to Canada for health care. They have had that health care program in Canada since 1966. Palin actually thought a lot of their health care system and used it. Robin read about how NBC is still denying that they added a laugh track to Palin's appearance on the Tonight Show.
Robin read about it being International Woman's day yesterday. Howard said he learned yesterday that it's insulting to cum on a woman's face. He said he learned that in therapy. Howard asked Robin if they talked about that at the woman's conference. Robin said she's not sure about that.
Robin said that today is the first day in Washington DC that gay couples can get married. Robin said 100 couples signed up on the first day that licenses were issued.
Robin read about Governor Patterson not stepping down and continuing to do his job while all of this controversy is going on with him and his administration. Robin had some audio of Patterson talking about all of that.
Robin read about Ben Rothlesberger being accused of some kind of sex thing and how he's been accused again by someone else. There's a student who says that he assaulted her last week. She had some audio of a cop talking about the interviews they're doing in the case.
Robin read a story about cyber bullying. She had some audio of a guy talking about that and how people are calling for a crackdown on it.
Robin read that there was a teacher accused of sexting a student of her's. She mailed the student a bunch of pictures and sexually explicit text messages. The pictures ended up going around the school and the teacher has been put on administrative leave.
Robin had some audio of Matt Damon talking about the movie ''Green Zone.'' Howard didn't last long listening to that. Robin had some other clips that she had Howard play. He didn't last long with any of them.
Robin said there's a new Robert Pattinson movie. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard told him ''shut up asshole... little turd.''
Robin wrapped up a short time later and Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Jon ran down the list of things they were going to discuss today. He started the guys off talking about Jesse Ventura. He said that Howard and Jesse seem to be mutually fascinated by one another. Gary said that there are many guests who come in and don't merit being booked a second time but this guy has no shortage of opinions and he's good.
Gary said that people seem to like Jesse even if they don't like his politics. Howard said that he has a conspiracy theory around every corner. Jon also talked about how he walked away from wrestling and never looked back. Gary said he thinks that people who do go back are doing it for the money and maybe Jesse has money so he doesn't need to go back.
Jon brought up Jesse's life in Mexico and how they talked about that in the interview. He played a clip of Jesse talking about having solar power in Mexico where he lives. Jesse was also talking about swimming into Howard's house in the Hamptons like a Navy Seal.
Jon said that was just one of the 5 Navy Seal references he made today. That led to Jon and Gary talking about the discussion Howard and Jesse had about the don't ask, don't tell rules.
Gary said that he doesn't know how much money Jesse has but he's living in Mexico where he probably doesn't need all that much. He seems to be trying to make that money last as long as possible by living down there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Jesse has a lot of information and he must have a lot of access to the places that others don't. He said he probably knows stuff that people don't even have on the internet.
The caller was also giving his favorite quote from Full Metal Jacket. The guys talked about how great R. Lee Ermy was in the movie and how good he was on the show when they had him in.
Another caller said that Howard doesn't seem to take calls from people who would argue with Jesse about his theories. Gary said that he doesn't buy into most of what he has to say but they're not there to do a point counterpoint thing.
Gary asked if they brought up the geese that took down Sully's plane being trained by Al Queda. Jon said that did come up but Jesse didn't seem to think that could be true. Benjy said he believes that it could have been a test or that they were preparing. Benjy said they could come up with something like that and maybe think outside of the box.
Gary said that if someone said that they were going to crash two planes into the World Trade Center you would have thought they were nuts. He said that they were thinking outside of the box for that attack.
Jon brought up the discussion they had about ties and why Jesse won't wear one. They spent another minute on that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the comments they were making about gays in the army. He said that living with them is what some guys would have a problem with. He said that they have to live with them and they might have guys staring at them and stuff in the shower and bathrooms. The caller said they had a guy living with them in a college dorm and they had to have him moved to another room. Gary asked if they were nice to that guy and didn't have any blanket parties or anything. The guy said they only did that to guys who were stealing from other rooms. The guy said they threw one guy off the roof of a 3 story dorm once. He said he broke his collar bone and a leg in that fall. He said there was an investigation into it but the guy didn't see any of them so he couldn't identify them.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that gays in the military could end up getting beaten up and stuff. He said that some people are confused about their sexuality. Benjy asked the guy if he was confused at any point in his life. Gary said that he finds it hard to believe that anyone would be confused by the age of 18. The caller said that some people are though. The caller pointed out that senator in California who was arrested in the DUI case. Gary said that guy wasn't confused, he was just hiding the fact that he was gay.
The caller told the guys about being in the military himself and how things worked when he was in. He said that they spent a lot of time on that subject when he was in there. He said that you have to have that bond when you're in there and if you have guys who don't like homosexuals then they're not going to bond.
Gary said that the same could be said about white guys who hate black guys. They might not bond. The caller said that is the case and it happens sometimes. Gary said that being gay today isn't nearly as big of a deal as it was 30 years ago. He said that in another 30 years it probably won't even be a discussion.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the governor is a great man and a hero but he focuses a lot on theories. He said that when it comes to 9/11 it's a fact that what they were told was a lie. He said that what actually happened was a pretext for war. Gary asked the guy for two facts that prove what happened didn't happen. The caller said that they found explosive residue in the rubble. Gary said that he doesn't know that it's a fact. The caller said that there are papers that were reviewed who said it was the case. Gary asked who they were. The caller said there were engineers who said that the building wouldn't have fallen from the planes crashing into them.
The caller was saying that even Howard has questioned a lot of this stuff. Jon said he didn't want to go down that road on the show. He said they're talking about Jesse and all of his conspiracy theories, not just this one.
Jon let that guy go and took another call from a guy who said that they used geese in a movie to take down a plane. That was in an Indiana Jones movie. It was actually seagull's in that movie according to Teddy.
The caller also brought up ''What's Happening'' again and asked about their favorite episodes. They ended up on that subject for a few more minutes before they went to break.
The guys talked about the baby wipes thing too. Gary said he has used them. Benjy said that it doesn't compare to regular toilet paper. Benjy said he just showers after he goes to the bathroom. He said he doesn't feel as clean if he doesn't. Benjy said he wants to wash before he resumes his day. He said the baby wipe is so much better than toilet paper.
Jon said that baby wipes don't decompose so they will be in your sewer system. Gary said that he had a cesspool (Septic system) in one house and he didn't throw that kind of stuff in there. Gary said that you're not supposed to flush those things. Gary said that he could use a diaper genie to get rid of them.
Benjy said that Howard is a national person that someone might want to hurt through the mail. Gary said they got an old MAD Magazine in the mail and Howard refused to touch it. He had no idea where it came from or who the guy was so he didn't want anything to do with it.
Gary said he didn't know that Jon had only had spaghetti and meatballs once. Jon said that he was kind of forced to eat it and he didn't like it at the time so that didn't help.
Gary said that he and the guys went out to dinner while they were out skiing this weekend. He said that they had a couple of choices and it turns out that Jon didn't want to eat at the Italian place so they went to this wing's place. Jon said he will go to an Italian place and he doesn't mind eating pizza. He said he likes the sauce on the pizza but not on pasta.
Gary asked Jon if his quirky eating habits have passed on to his kids. Jon said that one of them is like him. Jason was telling the guys that Jon's kids hate Burger King just as much as he does. He said they buy into it all. Jason said he actually sent a $10 gift card to his kid for her Bat Mitzvah and she returned it to him saying ''no thanks.'' Jon said that she did that on her own and he was very proud of her for that. Jason said he did that just to see what would happen.
Gary said he didn't know all of this was going on with Jon. Jon said that he'd rather go to a dumpy place instead of a really nice place. He said he likes the regular food at dives. Jon said that Jason is the opposite of him when he eats. He will pile on everything he can on his food.
Gary said that he and Jon stayed in the city during a snow storm a couple of weeks later. He said they were going to go to Nobu but Jon didn't want to go. They tried to get him to go but Jon refused. He said Jon probably would have liked to have gone out but he didn't want to go to Nobu. He said they got another guy to go with them instead and he enjoyed it.
Jon said he knows that Nobu is a great place and all but he really didn't want to go. He said that's just not his kind of place and he doesn't have any desire to go even if it is a great place.
Jason said he's the opposite and he loves to try anything and pile everything on it. Jason talked about some food he ate over in Amsterdam that was great. Jon said that he had no interest in the stuff Jason was talking about.
A caller told the guys he's like Jon and he rarely puts stuff on his food just like Jon. He said he doesn't touch anything with sauce or cheese on it. He said that hot dogs make him sick to his stomach. Jason said Jon loves those and he shoves them down his throat.
Ralph called in and asked Jon how he can say he doesn't like something if he's never tried it. He said he's being racist toward Nobu. Jon said that he would go there but that night just wasn't a good night to go. He said there was a storm there and he didn't want to leave his hotel room.
Ralph said that Jon doesn't get anything on his burger when he goes out and that's odd too. Jason said that Jon will actually complain when he has condiments on his food. Jon said he's never even had a cheeseburger.
Ralph said they went to Nobu one time and ended up going to McDonald's 20 minutes after they were done. Jon said it doesn't sound like something he'd want to try. The guys said that Jon doesn't like to get dressed up either so that might be another reason.
The guys talked about how the busted Scott the Engineer's balls by telling him that Tim Sabean had paid for their hotel rooms in the city that night and Scott tried to get Tim to pay for his room too.
Another caller said that it's funny that Jon is indoctrinating his kids into the Burger King hate. Jon said that he's not making them hate the place, they're just smarter kids.
Another caller said that he loves Burger King. Gary said that Jon goes down to the Chipoltle place and they have a lot of condiments on their stuff.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if he knows what kind of food he's eating. Jon said he knows and he loves that type of food. He said he's not interested in eating other stuff. He said that he knows it's no good for him but it's almost like an addiction for him.
Gary said they used to do the fast food thing and even the kids knew that the food was better at Wendy's than it was at McDonald's. Gary said he still likes the Roy Rogers chicken and they still get it on the NJ turnpike once in a while.
A caller corrected Gary about his cesspool reference earlier. That guy was also talking about how wrong they are about the homosexuality talk was earlier. He said that in 30 years bestiality could be legal and accepted based on their theory that homosexuality is getting more accepted. Benjy was kind of agreeing with the caller but it sounded like he was joking around about it.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked him about his diet and what he eats at home. Gary asked if his wife eats that stuff. Jon said that it drives her nuts and she does not eat that kind of stuff. He said that she will cook two different meals for the family and for him. Gary said that he hates chili so on that night he might have a different meal. Jon said that there are some nights that his wife makes four different meal and she's the best when it comes to that.
Ralph called back in and asked what he eats for breakfast. Jon said he has an egg white on a whole wheat muffin. He was talking about some of the other plan foods he eats like plain baked potatoes. Jason said he doesn't look like someone who eats plain food. Ralph said that's because he eats a lot of complex carbohydrates.
Ralph said that they should do a show about all of this stuff. Jason said that Jon has rules about the elevator too. Jon said that's a whole other thing. Gary said that he and Jon take the elevator down like two days a week and he knows nothing about this. Jon said that the way the elevator works is kind of strange. He said that he tries not to let people come up in the elevator with him. Jason said that he has all kinds of rules about that and how to hit the buttons. Jon said he gets annoyed when people get in the elevator.
Ralph said that they have a way of waiting for the doors to close and then hitting the button. That will make it go down quicker. Jason said that Jon will actually leave the elevator car to get in an empty one if there are more than a couple of people in the car.
Jason said that Jon has rules about his desk too. Jon thanked him for bringing up all of that stuff but they were out of time. He had to end the show before they could talk about those rules.
Howard started the show talking about the big day they had coming up. It's the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant day. Howard said he had a bunch of news program clips that Gary was playing for him. He said the women are going to split the money instead of giving the winner $100,000 like they had planned in the beginning. Howard said that the ladies all agreed to that. He said they're all going to meet each other there this morning for the first time.
Howard said that TMZ is really into this whole thing and they were actually betting on which mistresses were going to show up. Howard played that report and in the clip they were discussing the pageant coming up. They talked about a sports book that was taking odds on who would show up. They had some info that said Rachel Uchitel wasn't going to show up. They talked about Jamie Grubbs losing a tooth and how that's not going to get her a win. They talked about a few of the others as well.
Robin said that they haven't revealed who is going to be in the contest. Howard said that's true and they only have 3 coming in today instead of four. He said that one dropped out. Howard said all of the women are going to walk away with money today.
Howard said that the women are going to be judged on their personality and their beauty. He said that they have to have good stories to tell to win.
Howard said the pageant is brought to you by AshleyMadison.com. They had a theme song for the pageant too. Robin said that you don't have to have your life destroyed by cheating, just go to AshleyMadison.com. Howard said that Noel Biderman will be in today to judge the pageant. Noel runs AshleyMadison.com. Howard said that no one there is more qualified to judge than anyone else. Noel is a judge because he came up with the money.
Howard played another news report about the pageant where they talked about what they had coming up. One reporter was talking about why Howard Stern is the best for coming up with things like this. They were talking about how they could have a bunch of the mistresses show up.
Howard said they had a lot of mistresses contact them but Gary has stories about them where they had to back out. There are rumors that some of them were paid off by someone, maybe Tiger.
Howard said that this girl is killing herself in a slow way and you just can't eat like that. Robin said that no one slams you for being addicted to food the way they do with other addictions. Howard said he's just trying to say that she's enormous and someone should help.
Howard said he read she's in some other movie that's coming out and she's going to be in some TV show on Showtime. Howard read the article about that.
Howard said he was just saying she has a big problem and she needs help. He played a report about the comments he made where the reporters were commenting on that. In the clip the reporter was saying that Gabourey Sidibe is a brilliant actress. Howard said he's not sure about ''brilliant.'' Howard said she was good but he's not sure it was ''brilliant.'' Howard said she was more of a prop on the set. She was walking around in a catatonic state most of the movie. He said she just had to look like she didn't want to do anything.
Robin said the obese woman in ''Who's Eating Gilbert Grape'' never worked again after that. Howard said she's right about that. Howard said his parents came to him when he was getting fat and told him that he had to do something. It woke him up and he started eating healthy and got into shape.
Robin said that these women like Mo'Nique and Sherri Sheppard were never as big as Gabourey is and they both got diabetes. That could easily happen to Gabourey.
Howard played the news clip over again and the reporters were talking about how Howard was calling Gabourey fat on his show. He and Robin were talking about how big she was. It wasn't just Howard talking about her, Robin was right there. The reporters told Gabourey not to pay attention to that. They said she has a great personality and she shouldn't listen to that. They also pointed out that Robin isn't that thin.
Howard said that Robin battles with her weight too but she tries to stay thin and eat healthy. Howard said Gabourey is in a crisis and she needs help. Howard said he's not back peddling and he thinks that she could be dead very soon if she keeps eating the way she's eating. Howard said he's not just calling her fat for no reason. He thinks she needs help.
Howard said he's not saying that Gabourey isn't a nice person. She may be a really nice person but she's in a crisis and she has to get help. Howard said that if someone on the show says they have to go do heroin and eat a ton of food they're not going to applaud them.
Howard said that Gabourey was saying that she was going to go out to a Chick-Fil-A after the Oscar's and hit it hard. He said that's not a good thing.
Howard said he had some email about the comments he made. He read through some of those comments and the fans were telling him to look at himself and think before he speaks about something like that. Howard read some more comments about that and they were saying that he has no right to complain about someone being fat. Howard said he does because he ends up paying for people's medical bills through health insurance. Howard said that everyone pays for that and he doesn't want to. So he does have the right to complain about it.
Howard said obesity is one thing that we can get under control if we try. Howard read some more comments about the fat comments. There were a bunch of people who were writing in and bashing him for going off on her. He tried to read one email that didn't make any sense. Howard said he wasn't attacking Gabourey. He said he was just pointing out she needs help and all of these people who are kissing her ass should be trying to help her.
Howard said everyone can stay in denial but there are people who need help. There's an epidemic of obesity and no one cares. Howard said that these people are all calling him ugly too so they're doing the same thing to him that he's doing to Gabourey. He said they're no better than he is.
Howard said that he was born looking the way he does and he can't do anything about it. He wondered if they should rename the show ''The Biggest Loser'' to something else. He said that they're calling the fat people on that show ''losers.'' Robin said they have that show on TV because those people are at risk and they're trying to help.
Howard said he came out against women's breast milk being used to make cheese and people went off on him about that too.
Howard said he can't even read the story about that breast milk cheese. He said it makes him sick. He said it's disgusting. Howard said as far as he knows these women could be HIV positive and they could transfer that to people through this cheese.
Howard read some of the feedback he got about that. The writers were saying that cow's milk cheese is no better than the breast milk. Robin said that they are regulated though so the cheese should be acceptable to eat.
Howard got a lot of negative mail about Eric the Midget calling in yesterday. He read some of the mail about that and how much people hate when he calls in. Howard read that some people were saying he should ignore him until he dies.
Howard read some mail about Benjy's comments about Aspirin being made out of bark. The writer said that is correct. Howard read about that and how aspirin is good for your heart if you take it daily but only under the supervision of your doctor. Robin said that they don't say that it's made from bark now though. Benjy said it may be more synthetic now.
Howard said Robin used to beg him to get rid of Jackie from the show but he kept him for years. Howard said he was in some kind of weird denial and kept him on. Howard said if he thought Jackie was necessary for the show, he would have him on.
Fred said that Jackie on the show is like having a manageable cancer. He said you can live with it even though it's not enjoyable.
Gary said yesterday they had a call on the Wrap Up Show where a caller was going to say that it's time to stop punishing Jackie and bring him back. Gary said they're not punishing Jackie. Jackie left the show.
Howard said he tried to talk to Jackie about working on the show and tried to help him keep the job. He said he was being paid very well working for the show and he didn't think it was enough. Howard said Jackie wanted more money and he didn't think they were paying him enough. Howard said he eventually had to give up on trying to help him out. He said he had to sit there and try to figure out how to deal with him leaving the show when he'd walk off the show.
Gary said there was that one time Jackie was on strike with the TV show and they had to leave his light off and not put him on camera. Howard said Jackie had his point of view about what he wanted to be paid and all. He said he tried to help out for a while but in the end he wasn't able to keep doing that. He said he got tired of it.
Howard said he loves Jackie and they had a lot of great times together. Howard said Jackie contributed to the show in many ways but there was a lot of aggravation with that. He said that Jackie was the one who left the show. He said a couple of months after he left he said he was coming back but Howard told him ''no.''
Gary said Tom ran into Jackie's lawyer one day after that and he said they were still working on it. Gary said Tom told the guy that it was over and they had other people coming in to replace him.
Howard said Jackie has changed in a lot of ways and he is more appreciative these days. Howard said Jackie does a show for them now and he has no bad feelings toward him.
Howard said that they're very lucky to be able to do the show in the same town year after year. He said there are a lot of people out there who are suffering in the business. He said he was talking to Kidd Chris about that the other day. He said that guy is all over the place and he's got a kid and a wife that don't even live in the same place he does.
Howard said he had some negative mail about Jackie too. He read through some of that and people were saying they don't want him back on the show. Fred said that there were some people saying they should bring him back just to torture him. There were people threatening to cancel their subscriptions if they brought Jackie back.
Howard said he got some negative email about Jesse Ventura. He read through that and people were going off on him saying he might be insane and anti-American. Howard read one where they were saying that Jesse is almost quoting Oliver Stone movies when he talks about these conspiracy theories.
There was some positive feedback about Jesse too. He read through some of that and there were a bunch of people who think he's great on the show. Howard said he thinks Jesse is a lot of fun on the show even if you don't believe in his conspiracy theories.
Howard read some mail about Jon Hein's eating habits and how freaked out people are by that. Howard said he thinks that Jon is very child like when it comes to eating. He said that when you get older you usually try eating new things but not Jon.
Howard read through some of the mail about Jon and his odd thoughts on Burger King and McDonald's and things like that. Someone asked how an adult could be so close minded in this day and age.
Howard said he felt defeated in therapy because he's still not feeling good about himself. He said he still has a long way to go before he's cured. He said he's 56 and he's still a mess.
Howard read some email about Hillary Swank looking good at the Oscar's. He went through some of that and moved on to some other stuff.
Howard said he was reading some comments on some of the news stories out there and some of the people were brutal talking about how ugly he is. Robin said that the comments they made weren't even fashion comments. They were concerned with her health.
Howard took another call from a guy who said ''ass knot'' and started Howard in on his Kennedy impression. Howard said he thought about that the other night when he was watching TV and started laughing to himself. He said Beth didn't get it but he figured that his audience would love it when he says ''ass knot'' instead of ''ask not.''
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who was asking why people think the Jackie chair is cursed. Howard said that people think that anyone who holds that chair is cursed. Howard said Jackie held that chair for many years and he wasn't cursed. He said that he was in that chair from like 1980 to 2001 or something like that. Gary said he left in February of 2001. Gary said that would be 21 years he was in that seat.
Howard said that Artie was with the show for 9 years so it's not like there's been an incredible rotation in that seat. He said he's not going with that Jackie chair curse.
Howard said Jackie and Artie were two completely different people and the circumstances were completely different. King thinks that they both had low self esteem. Howard said that everyone on the show has low self esteem. King said Howard doesn't have low self esteem but Howard said he does.
King said that he has diabetes and he has friends who have it too. He said that there are people who take pills for insulin and they think they're cured for that moment. He said he has friends who take the pills and go in and get milk shakes and apple pies. One guy puts his apple pie in the milk shake and eats it with a spoon.
Howard asked King if his son's penis color has lightened up. King said it hasn't but his skin has darkened a little bit. He said he's hoping that the kid is lighter than Robin's skin color. Howard said they'll pray for that then.
Howard said they have to get to the Mistress Beauty Pageant soon. He said that he had to go to break after that.
Howard said Ralph was there today and he was begging to be a judge. Howard said Ralph is going to check him for the press conference later. He said that he's not sure if he should let him judge. Robin said she wasn't sure. She said she was wondering if she would add or subtract from the judging.
Howard said Noel Biderman will be there judging. Robin said they may as well have Ralph then. Howard said he thinks they have enough though. Robin said maybe he would inhibit the girls. Howard said Ralph might antagonize them into talking though.
Gary came in and said two of the girls are there. He said that one of the girls is shaking. He said that Ralph wouldn't help calm her down. Howard said she doesn't need to be that nervous. He heard that they're very nervous and it looks like Tiger was having a lot of fun.
Howard said that the girls are meeting for the first time there today. They didn't even know what Tiger was up to with all of these other women. Howard said maybe they'll get together and write a book. Robin said some of this stuff was going on simultaneously. They could write a book about it. Howard said maybe they can sing and he can get them together in a group. He said he could have them singing together like the Pussycat Dolls.
Howard and the guys were talking about the Pussycat Dolls and how Carmen Electra was in the dancing group. Howard said he'll suggest that to the girls today and see if they want to sing. Howard turned on his Autotune and tried to sing some Cher ''Believe.'' He said he thinks that he can get the girls going.
Howard sang into that awful Autotune thing and Fred threw in some Tarzan yells to go along with the horrible sound. Howard said that the girls could form a band called Tiger's Girls or The Mistresses. Howard said that they're fans of the girls and they're going to treat them very well. Gary said that one of the girls had never heard the show so he tried to tell her that Howard is a good guy and he's going to treat them well. Howard said he likes them and of course he's going to treat them well.
Robin asked Gary if the girls were trying to get his vote out there. Gary said that one girl is barely talking. Howard said they're excited to meet the girls today. He said they have the $100,000 to give away and a 50 inch TV from Beezid.com too.
Howard took a call from a guy claiming to be a cop who said that they have Tiger's compound surrounded and they will make sure he doesn't commit suicide. He said they're looking forward to hearing this pageant.
Howard said he watched Simon Cowell on Jay Leno the other night. He said that he saw that Leno's ratings have been dropping off slowly too. He said that Jay has a shitty lead in now since he already ruined the NBC line up with his 10 o'clock show. Dave is getting good ratings.
Howard said that Simon turned beet red on the Leno show when he was asked if he was engaged. He said it was almost like he didn't want to talk about it. He said if you're in love you can't wait to talk about that kind of thing. He said if he's not that into it he shouldn't be engaged. He said if he's not engaged he could tell Jay what the ring was for.
Howard said he likes Simon but he sees this kind of thing with a lot of guys. He said that's not something that you keep a secret. He said if he's in love and wants to get married then he should be coming out and talking about it. Robin said that Howard has his issues though. She said that he has problems expressing his emotion publicly. Howard said if he asks a woman to marry him he's not going to hide it.
Howard told Robin that she should interview Simon about this. He said maybe the Howard 100 News department should try to get in touch with him. Howard said maybe they want to pretend they're single on Facebook or something.
Lisa G got back to her news preview and said they have a story about Gary staying late to dress up for Techno Beaver for an upcoming Howard TV segment. Gary started to dance on camera dressed as the beaver on that show. Howard said he loves The Bonus Show and that's what the bit was for. That's hosted by Jon Hein and Rachel Fine. Howard said that Rachel is really good and he should know her name by now. Robin had to fill him in on that.
Howard said Gary had trouble working the gadgets with his big paws. He said he thinks that should be his full time outfit on the show. Lisa said they have some comments from Sal and Scott DePace about the outfit.
Lisa said that they have a story about Rosie O'Donnell offering to help High Pitch Mike with his complexion. She's going to help him out with some skin cream that she used herself. Rosie sent it over to Mike with someone from her show. Mike has Rosacia and he tried some stuff but gave up after a couple of months. Lisa said that Rosie used the cream but it has been discontinued.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was watching a bunch of FOX news stuff on YouTube and there was a guy claiming he was the real Howard Stern. He asked if that was really him or was he being hosed. Howard said he was being hosed because he doesn't do anything like that. the caller said that it's rude for people to use his name like that. Howard said that anyone can impersonate you on the web and steal anything they want. He said it's like the wild west out there on the internet.
Howard said he had to take a break before doing the pageant thing. He said that he's looking forward to that. Howard said he wanted to play something else though. He has an Eric the Midget clip to play. He said he thinks this is great. JD pulled a clip from YouTube or something and they had Eric doing his Idol show on the web (JFSC.tv). Howard said Eric walked off his own show. Howard said Eric sits and reads the chat instead of talking and just playing to his audience. Howard said the guy who was busting Eric's balls drove Eric nuts and he got off his game. Howard said he's like a comedian who only talks to a heckler.
Howard played the clip and Eric was saying he didn't have any plans for his birthday really. Eric told them to ''unmod'' someone who was a moderator in the chat. Eric was saying that he's pretty sure Johnny (Fratto) wouldn't want him as a moderator in there. Eric demanded that the person be removed. Howard said Eric could have ignored the guy. Eric was cursing the guy out and there wasn't any explanation what was being written in the chat room.
Eric kept demanding that they take the moderator status off of the guy but it wasn't being done. Eric was arguing with the chat room so it was kind of hard to follow. Eric wasn't even watching Idol. He was engaged in a war with this guy. Eric was being called Jewish so he was saying he's not Jewish, he's Irish. Howard would interrupt and try to explain what was going on there. Eric was saying there's nothing wrong with being Jewish but he's not Jewish.
Robin said that Eric doesn't look Irish either. She said he might look like a Leprechaun. Howard said he looks ''midget-ish.''
Howard played a little more of the audio but he knows that the audience doesn't like to hear it. He said he could listen to that all day long. He had to go to break so they could get to the pageant though.
Howard came back and said he was trying to get he pageant going. They have a delay of about 10 minutes though. He said that some of the girls are still getting ready for the pageant. He said they have a $75,000 grand prize with a $15,000 second and a $10,000 third place prize. Howard said they have some technical things to work out before they get into it too.
Ham Hands Bill called in and said he has some questions for the mistresses. Howard said he had better go through him first. Bill said he wants to ask if Tiger ever asked them to blind test his cock. Howard didn't get what he meant and just hung up on Bill. He said he's very hard to understand sometimes.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he wanted to ask which one let Tiger fuck them without a condom. Howard said that's a legitimate question. Jeff wanted to know which one blew Tiger the best. Howard said that Tiger isn't coming in so they can't answer that one. Jeff said he'd like to see them blow something. Howard said the girls wouldn't know which one blew him the best. He wondered if Jeff was drinking too much this morning.
Howard took another call from someone who gave him an F, Marry Kill with Blue Iris, Wendy the Retard and Gabourey Sidibe. Howard said he'd kill the dead person, fuck Wendy and marry the chick from Precious.
The caller also asked who they're supposed to listen to when Howard retires. Howard said that there isn't really anyone out there who has been able to do what he does. Howard said they've given many guys a chance to do what he did and he doesn't see anyone stepping out and making a name for themselves. Howard said he thinks that they built something very unique here but he thinks that he's near the end of the road. Howard said that's how he's feeling lately.
Howard said that if Mel came up with some kind of plan maybe he'd stay in the game but he really thinks he's okay with leaving. Howard said he thinks he'd be okay with it. Robin said she's not sure he'd be done. Howard said he enjoys doing the show but it takes up most of his day. He said he does 4-5 hours on the air but the show takes up a lot more of his day than that.
Howard said he can figure out how to take up his days with other stuff. He said he would be able to fill his days with no problem at all. Howard said he'd be happy not working and he'd love it. Robin said that Joan Rivers pointed out that he'd love it because it would be a break from this show but it won't last.
Ralph came in and said that Howard would like that for like a month. Howard said he doesn't know him very well then. Ralph said that Howard would go crazy without the outlet of the show. He said that he talks to him on the phone and Howard does a radio show on the phone.
Howard said he doesn't need the aggravation of this whole thing and having people picking him apart for making comments about the fat chick from Precious.
Ralph said Howard should just work a couple of days a week and take a couple of months off in the summer. Howard said he's not sure that they'd do a deal like that with him there. He said that it's not like he helped save the company or anything like that. Howard said they'll have to see how it works out.
The caller asked if he could play a quick game with him. Howard said he had to get to the pageant and he wasn't able to play any games. Howard said he was exhausted from this already and they hadn't gotten to the pageant yet.
Howard asked Gary what was going on with the pageant. Gary said one of the contestants is running late and she should be ready in about 10-15 minutes. Gary said that maybe they can switch her in the order of the pageant but he'd rather have them all ready at the same time. Gary said he didn't want to rush her.
Robin said they could have her go third but Gary said he wanted to have them all ready at the same time in case things go by quickly.
Howard saw that Gary was talking to Don Buchwald out there so he told Don about how Gary plays Solitaire in there.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that the girls shouldn't be nervous because Howard is a pussycat. She went on to say that Mel Karmazin should listen to her and give Howard 7-10 from Monday to Wednesday and more vacation. She said they'll take what they can get with Howard.
Howard said he doesn't want to negotiate over the air like that. He doesn't want to come off like he is but it may sound like it right now.
Howard read the article and they say that he could have gotten 15 years in jail. Howard said that Letterman has demanded that he never speak about this stuff again and that he has to delete everything from his computer. Howard said Letterman did the right thing in this case and went right to the feds to turn him in.
Howard said this Halderman guy looks horrible. He said it's no wonder Dave was able to get that chick. Robin said that Dave was begin creepy in this whole thing so that girl must have been attracted to creeps.
Howard said he'd like to know what Ed Sullivan would think of all of this since it's in the old Ed Sullivan Theater that Dave was doing this stuff with the chick.
Howard said Dave is lucky that the guy didn't snap on Dave and beat the crap out of him. He said the guy saw Dave making out with the chick in his driveway and didn't beat him up.
Howard said he saw a picture of Slash in the paper and he's still wearing that big top hat. He said you'd think that they'd change their style once in a while. Robin said that rock stars always stick with that one look. They get dressed up and they never change.
Howard said the President of France and that woman that he left his wife for are apparently near the end of their relationship. He said he read that they're both cheating on each other. Howard said you'd think he'd give it a little bit of time before he'd do that. The guy just got out of one marriage and into another. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Noel Biderman from AshleyMadison.com was there to judge. Howard asked Noel about how the business is going. Noel said things are good. Howard asked if Tiger would have gotten caught if he had used AshleyMadison.com. Noel said that they delete all history if people don't want to be caught. He said that they can help people cheat and not get caught. He said that no one has access to anything you do on the site other than yourself.
Noel said that he's going to be judging the girls on the stories they tell and he's going to ask if they had more than one affair. He said he wants to know if they do this as a regular thing.
Howard had Fred hit the intro for the pageant and got right into it. Fred did that and the announcer introduced Howard Stern as the host. Howard said he loves beauty pageants and he loves being in a Tuxedo. He sang a little bit and made up a song as he went along. Howard turned on the Autotune for a few seconds at the end of the song.
Howard said that Robin and Fred were wearing beautiful gowns for the pageant. Howard said the first contestant, Jamie Jungers come in. They had the announcer introduce her. They had some details about her but Howard didn't hear how old she was. Jamie said that she's 27 years old. Howard told Fred to turn the awful music off that he had playing. Howard found out that Jamie is 5'7'' tall and weighs 105 pounds. Howard said she had a bikini on but it looked like lingerie. She said it was a bikini.
Howard asked Jamie if she thought that she was going to have just a one nighter with Tiger. She said she did. Jamie said she was working at the Bellagio at the time and she dos different events there. She said that she was doing a pro-bowl event that day. She said she got a lot of attention from the guys there at the time. Howard said one night Tiger showed up to the event and he paid attention to her. Jamie said that was the case. She said that Tiger actually sent someone over to her to talk to her. Howard said that's the move to make when you're famous.
Jamie said she was a VIP host there and Tiger was there just partying. He wasn't part of the event she was hosting. Howard asked if she ever takes a deep breath and wonders about what people think of her and if she's upset that they think she's a hooker or something. Jamie said that she never did anything like that.
Gary asked why she went for Tiger and no one else. Jamie said she has gone on dates with other celebrities but she didn't want to say who they were. Howard asked if Tiger was attracted to her or was it that he was Tiger Woods. She said she was attracted to him. She said that she had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship at the time and she was only 21 years old. Jamie said she had a crush on Tiger too so she jumped on the opportunity.
Robin said that Tiger must not have been faithful at all in his marriage. He was only married for a couple of months when he was with Jamie. Jamie said she asked tiger how things were with the wife when she was with him and Tiger just said ''Good.'' Jamie said she hoped that he would open up with her more. She said that he did tell her that she was home in Switzerland a lot.
Howard asked Jamie if she knew that there were other women other than her. Jamie said she didn't think she was the only one. She said that if he was with her and his wife then there could be other women. Jamie wasn't sure if he was doing that though.
Howard asked if she did it with him on the first night. Jamie said she did but that's not typical with her. She said she had a crush on him and she had just broken up. She said she was also drunk. Howard asked if Tiger asked her to go back to his room. She said that he took her to a mansion they have at the MGM out in Las Vegas. She said that it was usually just her with Tiger and his friends when they'd go back there. Howard asked how long it took to get into that. Jamie said it was just a short time. She said that Tiger led her to his room and that was it.
Howard asked if Tiger is as big as they say he is. Jamie said that he is pretty big. She said she wasn't frightened of it or anything. Howard asked if she was thinking that it might hurt. She said she had been drinking so she didn't think about that at all.
Howard asked if they did it quick or was it drawn out. Jamie said it was pretty quick the first night. They'd have some rough sex too. She said the more they hung out the more they got to know each other and things slowed down. Howard said he'd like to know what rough sex is. She said that he'd throw her up against the wall and things like that. Howard said he's known for gentle sex. Jamie said that's what she prefers.
Howard asked if the sex would go on all night. Jamie said it would go on for a while. She said that he didn't use condoms with her either. Howard said that she was wild back then. Jamie said she did a lot of dumb things back then. She said that he would pull out and cum on her chest. Howard said he's heard that he's kind of kinky. He asked Jamie is that's true. She said she never experienced that with him.
Howard asked Jamie if she misses Tiger. She said that she does. She was in love with him and she does miss him. Robin asked what he was texting her in the texts he'd send. She said that he'd call her his ''little coffee cup'' and things like that. She wasn't even sure what that meant. Jamie said that he'd call her ''Jamie juices'' too. She said he called her that because she was wet.
Howard asked Jamie if she thinks that Tiger is a sex addict. She said that he might need help. She said that him getting into these relationships with women that he wasn't married to was weird. She said that something isn't right mentally. Howard asked Jamie if she would go back to him now. Jamie said no. She said that it has had an effect on her personal life. She said her father is taking a lot of crap at work over it. Jamie said her mother told her all along that she should tell everyone what was going on but she thought it was her personal business.
Howard said he heard that Tiger may have paid off a lot of the women. Jamie said she doesn't believe it. Jamie said her ex is the one who came out and told her story to the tabloids. She said she was waiting to see what was going to happen and she didn't want to talk about it. Jamie said she came out to tell what was right and what was wrong about her ex's story. Jamie said that the ex is the one who wasn't telling the truth about when it happened. She said he claimed that Tiger was the one who broke them up but they were already broken up.
Robin asked if she ever asked Tiger for money. Jamie said that she didn't until near the end of the relationship. She said she needed some help to get out of this situation she was in and she asked if he could help her out a little bit. Jamie said she hadn't asked for anything before that. Tiger told her he couldn't help and that was when it ended.
Howard asked if Tiger ever took her out in public. Jamie said that he did and there were people who would take her picture with him and she's surprised that the story never broke before it did. Jamie said that she thinks that Tiger should have apologized to all of the mistresses when he made his speech to his wife and family recently. She said that he hurt them too.
Jamie said that Tiger would arrange for them to fly around the country to meet and he'd always fly her coach. Howard said that must have pissed her off. She said that he never really did anything all that extravagant.
Howard said that Jamie is one hot piece of ass. Robin asked how it all came to an end. Jamie said that conversation about helping out is what led to the end. She said that she felt he didn't care about her and told him she was wasting her time. Howard asked if she thinks that it will last with him and his wife. Jamie said that's hard when they have kids. She said that he has something mentally wrong with him and he'd have to fix that.
Howard asked if Tiger is like 9 inches long. She said it is probably about that big. She said that he tried to do anal on her and she told him no. Jamie said that she has tried anal before and it's not her thing.
Fred asked Jamie about being there when Tiger's father died. Jamie said that he had flown her in that evening and he got a call that night from his mother. He called his mom and he came back in and said that his dad isn't doing very well. Jamie said that he came back after going to the hospital and he was doing okay. She said they went to bed and had sex and around 2 or 3 in the morning they got the call from his mom saying his father had died. She said that he had a blank look on his face and she could tell he was broken up. Jamie said she wasn't sure what to say to him. She said she was sorry to hear that and told his friend to get her a flight out of there. Jamie told him to take his time and get over the whole thing. Howard said she's very considerate. He said she was really nice to the guy.
Gary asked Jamie if Tiger ignored his mother's calls a lot. She said that he didn't as far as she knows. Howard asked if he would register in the hotel as Tiger Woods. She said she's pretty sure he did. Howard said it's almost like he wanted to get caught.
Howard asked Jamie if she sings at all. She said she doesn't at all. Howard said that he wanted to get the girls into a band together.
Howard said Jamie was an awesome girl and that was great for the first contestant. Gary said she set the bar for the rest.
Howard mentioned that the prize money is coming from AshleyMadison.com. He said that Noel seemed to be deep in thought there. Noel said it was going to be tough to judge today.
Howard asked Jamie if she did a lot of stuff for Tiger that she didn't do with other guys. She said that they would have sex several times a night. Howard said he must have an incredible appetite. She said he really does. Jamie was also saying that she did orgasm with him.
Howard found out that Tiger didn't do a lot of oral on her. Jamie said that was fine with her because that was more of an intimate thing with her and they didn't do it until toward the end.
Jamie said that she's going to be doing some modeling and acting and she hopes that her name isn't brought up as Tiger's mistress when she's mentioned. Jamie said that Tiger once asked her to have another woman in bed and she told him that she would do it if the other woman was his wife. She said that subject never came up again.
Howard said they had to take a break and then they'd bring in Loredana Jolie.
Howard asked Loredana what it was like to have this stardom all of a sudden. Loredana said it's been confusing. She said it's embarrassing too. She said that there are people who look at you like a whore but there are others who say ''good for you.'' She said that she hasn't had anyone come up to her and call her names to her face though. She said she has seen people commenting about her being a home wrecker in the tabloids and stuff.
Loredana said that she went out with Tiger for two years or so. She said she met him at a night club. Howard asked if she was with some matchmaking company when she met. Loredana said she met Tiger through that service. Howard asked how much it cost to get matched up with her. She said it was $15,000. Howard said she's different than Jamie because she was paid to meet Tiger. Howard asked if they say with a wink ''hey, lets have sex together.'' Loredana said that it's all up to her. She gets paid no matter what. She said that she thinks that they take a good portion of that money but she see's a lot of it. Howard asked if she's still doing that. She said she got out of it because it was getting annoying and scary.
Howard asked if she jumped into bed with Tiger on the first night. Loredana said she gave him a hard time and he kept chasing her. She said that he used the bodyguard to come over to her to talk to her. Howard said he would always go up to people and talk to them himself. He said that he should have used a bodyguard.
Howard asked Loredana why she gave Tiger a hard time. She said that she just wanted to play the game. Howard said that they must have overlapped with her and Jamie. She said that tiger used condoms with her. She said that they may have overlapped. Jamie said that she should have insisted on the condom thing too.
Howard asked Loredana if she was impressed with Tiger's penis size. She said that it was impressive. She said she bragged to her friends about it. Howard asked how she bragged. She said she would just talk about him having the biggest penis. Howard asked if size matters. Loredana thought for a second and said ''no.''
Howard asked if she was in love with Tiger. She said she wasn't. She also said that she got gifts from him, unlike Jamie. Howard said that Jamie wasn't even able to get help when she asked for it. Howard said this is crazy.
Loredana said she didn't know that Tiger was seeing anyone else but she assumed he was. She said he was cheating on his wife she figured he would cheat on her. Loredana said that once you're a cheater, you're always a cheater.
Howard asked Loredana about how much of a freak Tiger was with her. She said that he would do some role playing stuff with her and they could go 3 times a night. Loredana said that she waited until the third date before she was with him though.
Howard asked how quickly Tiger would finish with her. Loredana said that he was very fast the first time of the night. Howard said he understands that. He said he would cum in a second with her and with Jamie... and just about anyone else.
Howard asked Loredana if Tiger liked BJs from her. She said that he did. She said he never came in her face. He would pull out and not cum in her mouth. Robin asked where he would finish. She said he would do it on her chest or somewhere else.
Loredana said Tiger would bring other women into bed too. She said that he would bring women from other countries into bed. Howard asked for more details on that. Loredana said that Tiger would be in a business suit and he wouldn't bang the other girls in front of her. She said that he'd wear the whole suit with the tie and all. Then the girls would get it on in front of him and he liked the whole show.
Howard asked if he would talk through the show. She said that he would tell them what to do and he would beat off during it too.
Howard asked about the thickness of Tiger's penis and found out it was pretty thick too. Howard said that he's not thick or long. Loredana said that size really doesn't matter though.
Howard asked how it all ended. Loredana said that they just went their own way. She said that he used to text her and ask where she was and stuff. Robin asked if he would fly her out coach and stuff. She said the matchmaking company would take care of all of that so it was different every time.
Howard asked if Tiger spent over $200,000 just on her alone. She said that the $15,000 was just one time. She said that it probably wasn't 200,000. Noel said that he's in the wrong business if they were getting $15,000 to set people up.
Howard asked if people are after her to interview her. Loredana said she's writing a book and she has more stories about dating guys like Bruce Willis. She said she met him when she was in a Hawaiian Tropic pageant. She also says she dated Michael Jordan. He's another married guy. Loredana said that Tiger beats them all with his penis size. She said that he's the best in bed too.
Howard asked if Loredana is good in bed. He said she looked very attractive too. Howard said she must not be racist to be with a black guy. She said she's not.
Howard asked if she was upset with Tiger not apologizing to the mistresses. She said that she has gone through hell over this whole thing so she was kind of upset.
Howard asked if Tiger is circumcised. Both Jamie and Loredana confirmed he is. Howard asked Loredana if she thinks Elin should leave Tiger. She thinks that they should stay together.
Howard said that Tiger seems to be into white women. Loredana said he's really into blondes. Howard said that you'd think that he'd give it to a sister once in a while.
Howard had Loredana do a spin for the guys. She did that and then Fred asked if she ever found herself doing things sexually with Tiger just because he was Tiger. She said that it wasn't just for Tiger. Howard asked what kind of kinky stuff she would do. She said the role playing was kinky for her. She said she likes dirty talk too. Loredana said Tiger would have a guy involved in the role playing but he'd never do anything with them. She said he would have the guy doing things to the other women.
Robin asked if tiger would have sex with her in front of other people. She said that he didn't do that. She said that the other guy was Tiger's friend and he'd do the girls in front of him. Howard said this is some wild stuff. Jamie said she never had any of the role playing stuff going on.
Howard asked Loredana if she was fully shaved. She said she was. Howard asked if Tiger ever shaved her. She said that didn't happen.
Howard said he didn't think that Tiger was that good looking but the girls both said he was attractive. Howard said both of the ladies were lovely women. He said it was going to be a tough decision.
Howard asked Loredana what she would do with the money if she won. She said she didn't have any plans. Jamie said she'd use the money to move her family to Las Vegas. Howard said he's not sure that would be the best thing to spend it on.
Howard said that the girls were looking hot today. He said Tiger was really having a party. He said he feels bad for the guy now. Gary said the press were all waiting out in the Fish Bowl in the lobby and listening to the show.
Howard asked the girls if Tiger ever licked ass. Both Jamie and Loredana said no to that. Howard said he would do that for them. Howard asked if Tiger asked them to do it to him. Loredana said that he did ask her to do it but she wasn't into that. Loredana said she's not sure why anyone would even want that. Loredana said that Tiger actually pushed her head down there but she refused. She said that he didn't ask her to do it, he just pushed her head. Howard said that's a lot to ask of a person. Howard thanked Loredana for speaking to them and moved on to the next contestant.
Howard asked Jaimee about how she met Tiger and what kind of relationship they had. She told Howard how they met and how she didn't look at him like she wanted to go out and date him. She said that he was kind of nice but couldn't dance. She said she didn't have to work hard to get his attention and she just wanted to hang out with a celebrity that night. She said she didn't even want to go home with him.
Howard asked Jaimee if she was upset with the whole thing when it broke. She said that she would have thought the same thing if she wasn't involved and she understands why people were upset.
Howard asked Jaimee how she met Tiger out in Las Vegas. She said that she was asked to come to his table and Tiger told her she didn't look like she was having any fun. She said she loosened up and had some fun and then at the end of the night they asked her and her friends to come back with them in their limo.
Howard asked Jaimee about how she didn't know he was married. She said that he didn't have a wedding ring on that night. It took three days before she got to kiss him. She said she go to go to the mansion at the MGM Grand out there just like Jamie did.
Howard asked what Jaimee about how there's a rumor that some of the women have been paid off. He asked if she's upset about him not paying her off. Jaimee said that she's upset that he never told her anything after he cut her off when his wife found out about everything. She said that Tiger tried calling her on Thanksgiving to ask how she was doing and that wasn't cool.
Jaimee said that she and Tiger didn't use condoms together. She said it was one of those heat of the moment things that they just did. She said he would never cum inside of her. She said that he would pull out. Howard asked if he would cum on her face or anything. She said that it was always respectful. She said that they never did any group sex stuff either. Howard asked if he asked to pee on her. She said he never did that either.
Howard asked Jaimee if they did oral on each other. She said that they did everything. Howard asked if he asked to lick her backside. She said they didn't do that.
Howard asked if Tiger had the biggest penis she'd ever see. She said that he didn't have the biggest and he envies a 9 iron. Howard asked her to show how big it was with her hand. She said he was very girthy but not all that long. She said he might be bigger than 7 inches. Jaimee said she had orgasms with him too and she wouldn't have stayed with him if she didn't.
Howard asked if Tiger was quick in bed. She said that he was pretty fast and he would hold out maybe 5-10 minutes. She said she didn't go all night with her though. She said she didn't do anal with him either.
Howard asked if she thought Tiger was going to leave his wife for her. Jaimee said she figured he would eventually. She said that he came after her even after she called it off when she found out he was married.
Howard asked if she went out with Tiger in public. She said that he'd only be out there for a couple of days so they didn't go out that much. She said that she's very busy so she didn't mind just going and hanging out with him. She said she's a hard working girl and she wasn't all into going out in public.
Howard asked Jaimee if she was the last mistress to be in touch with Tiger. She said that she thinks that she may have been. Rachel Uchitel may have been another one. Howard said Rachel wanted to be there today but she wasn't able to due to some kind of settlement she had.
Howard asked Jaimee if she kept all of the texts that Tiger sent. She said she kept them because she's sentimental. Howard asked if she would get back together with Tiger if he came back to her now. She said she thinks that she would be friends with him but she wants to know why he did what he did to her. She said that he has to apologize to her because she didn't know about his wife. She said that he tossed her around like a rag doll.
Howard asked if Jaimee is dating anyone now. She said she is and the guy is upset with her only because she's on Howard Stern's show. She said Howard isn't as bad as she thought he'd be. Howard asked if she had a nickname. She said that Tiger would call her SkinnyFat because she eats like a fat person but stays thin.
Howard asked if Tiger liked BJs from her. Jaimee said she thinks he did and she thinks she's good at it. Howard had her spin around in her bathing suit for the guys before they got to the judging.
Gary said he had a clear thought on who the winner was. He said that Jamie and Jaimee were both thinking they were in love with the guy and Loredana was the only one who got into it knowing it wasn't a real thing.
Howard asked the girls if they think that he can be cured of his sex addiction. The girls were saying there is something going on there and they're not sure.
Howard said it was time to get the judges to give their thoughts on all of this. Noel Biderman was there from AshleyMadison.com and they were the sponsors of this whole thing. They were giving the $100,000 in prize money. Howard said that their friends at Steven Singer Jewelers also have a ring for the girls. Gary said the ring is really nice. It has a black diamond in it. The ring is a one of a kind ring.
Robin asked Jaimee if she's writing any books or anything like that. She said she's not but she is looking to do some modeling or hosting of a TV show or something.
Howard asked the girls if they had a hard time making the decision to come on the show. Some of the girls said that they were going to pass but then they found out more about the show and decided to do it.
Howard said they have the money, the ring and also a 50 inch TV for the winner. That's from Beezid.com.
Howard moved on to Gary and asked him what his vote was going to be. Gary said all of the girls had hot bodies. He said that he was surprised at the two Jamie's stories but he has to go with Jamie Jungers. He said she's not the person that he thought she was going to be today.
Howard went to Noel Biderman next. He asked Noel what he thinks. Noel said he's with Gary and he thinks that Jamie was emotional and she had a connection with Tiger. He said that she has his vote too.
Howard said it seems her innocence is swaying the guys. Gary said that it seems she wasn't out for anything other than liking the guy. Gary said that Jaimee Grubs almost got him too because she was almost near tears. Jaimee said that she didn't even know that Tiger was married at the time. Noel said that's what he was holding against her.
Gary asked Jaimee how long she didn't know he was married. She said it was about a year. Gary said you'd think that she'd figure it out dating the guy for that long. He's a national figure. Jaimee said Howard is a national figure too and she's never listened to his radio show. She said she didn't like golf so she never watched it on TV. She said that she didn't find out he was married until she told a friend about her dating him.
Howard said that Jamie has gotten two votes but they have 3 more votes. Robin said that she was drawn to the stories of the two Jamie's. She said that both had incredible stories. She said that she sympathized with Jaimee Grubbs more than the other Jamie. Robin said that she's giving Jaimee Grubbs a vote.
Howard said that it wasn't over yet for Loredana. He said she could still get two votes. Howard said that he was sick over this whole thing. He asked the girls if they hated Tiger now. They all said they didn't hate him.
Howard asked Fred for his vote next. Fred said that while Robin's argument was compelling, he said that she didn't know she was a mistress so he can't vote for her. He said that Loredana would win for the hot factor if that was the only thing they were judging on. He said that he thinks that a mistress has to have an emotional connection and Jamie had that. Fred said he was giving his vote to Jamie Jungers. Robin said that Jaimee Grubbs kept it going once she found out he was married though. Fred said he was still giving his vote to Jamie.
Howard said this was a no brainer for him. He said all three are beautiful and brave. He applauded all three of them for showing up. Howard said that he felt bad that Loredana didn't get any votes. He said that she was very smart about the whole thing but she knew what she was getting into. Gary said that she's got a great ass too. Howard said he thinks that Loredana is saving something for her book.
Howard said he was taken by Jamie Jungers. He said he agrees with Noel about her being a ''true mistress.'' he said that Jaimee Grubbs has a doll face and a great body. He said that all of their stories took him but Jamie Jungers' story did it for him. He said it was very close for him. He said that coming in at third place is Loredana. He said she wins $10,000 and a TV set from Beezid.com. She didn't have anything to add after that.
Howard said Jaimee Grubbs came in second with $15,000. He asked her what she thought. She said she was kind of bummed about that.
Howard said Jamie looked like she was shaking. Jamie said she was very happy and this was the best thing ever. Howard said she just won $75,000. She just had a birthday yesterday and this was great. She said she can help her family move out to Las Vegas with her now. She said things have been very tough for her lately and this is great.
Howard asked Jamie if she wanted to thank anyone. She thanked God and her family and friends. She thanked her mom and her friend and her little dog Apple as well. Howard said that everyone is leaving with money today. He sang to all three of the girls as Noel came in with the money from AshleyMadison.com. Howard said he was kind of bummed out that Noel was going to be a judge but he's glad it worked out the way it did.
Howard asked the girls if anyone wanted to stay for the press conference. Loredana and Jamie Jungers were going to stick around Jaimee Grubbs said she had to leave. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that they had the press there to talk about the pageant. Howard said they had a lot of press there to talk about this. Howard said he will be releasing video to the press too. He said they will give them a few moments of that to them.
Howard said they had everyone there today from the press. Howard gave a quick speech about what they learned today with the pageant. Howard said they learned about how big Tiger's penis is and that no anal was done. He said he thinks they were successful with the pageant.
Howard asked if they had any questions. Someone from Access Hollywood asked the girls if they think there will be any backlash from this since Tiger has tired to move on. Jamie said she thinks that all of it has been said already. Jamie said she doesn't think there will be any. Loredana didn't think there would be any either.
Steve Langford asked if there were any horror stories they would like to tell about getting the pageant together. Howard turned the mic over to Gary. Gary said he spoke to Rachel Uchitel who said that she can't say why but she wasn't able to participate. Gary said that Joslyn James was going to be on it but she and her attorney, Gloria Allred, backed out when they heard that they were going to be interviewed. Gary said that they were told that she had some other things to do and they may have been making a play for more money. He's not sure if that's the case but that's what he thinks may have gone on.
Gary said he also spoke to Cory Rist's lawyer but he didn't hear back from him after an initial contact with him. He said that it sounded like he wanted her in it but he stopped all contact with them.
Someone from Extra asked if the girls had anything they'd like to say to Tiger. Loredana said that she'd like an apology from Tiger. Jamie said the same thing and that she thinks that Tiger owes it to them to do that.
Someone from AOL's Popeater asked the girls who they think came out of this whole thing the best. Loredana said that Rachel Uchitel might be the one. Jamie said she thinks the same thing because Rachel has kept quiet and to herself for the most part.
Someone from TMZ asked if the girls would do this all over again if they could. Jamie said that she didn't think she would but she's had a lot of positive things happen so she would do it again. Loredana said ''likewise.''
Another reporter asked the girls if they think Tiger should leave his wife. Jamie said that she thinks that he has to prove in some way that he should be with her but they should try to work it out for the kids. Loredana agreed with her on that.
Howard said he thinks that Elin should change her name to Ellen. He said he thinks that she should leave Tiger because he is a serial cheater. He said that she should run off with Elliot Spitzer since he only cheated once or twice.
Another reporter asked about the mentally unstable comments that Jamie made today and what she thinks the rehab may have done. Jamie said she doesn't think that he could have changed in that amount of time. She said that it's going to take much longer to get over that.
The reporter also asked about Tiger and if he ever just sat down and talked with the girls. Jamie said she spoke to Tiger a lot and they talked about him wearing braces and playing football and stuff so his mouth would end up bloody. She said that she shared stories about her life with him and he seemed interested in that stuff. Loredana said they had conversations but most of the time they were out at clubs so it was hard to talk.
Someone from Sports Illustrated asked about how Howard would handle the apology that tiger made to the public. Howard said he didn't owe anyone an apology other than his wife. He said he doesn't think that Tiger cares about any of these girls and he hasn't learned a thing.
A reporter from the NY Daily News asked if Tiger ever did anything to try and derail the relationships. The girls said he was kind of cheap. Jamie said he never tipped at restaurants. Howard said he over tips all the time. Howard said that Tiger thinks that he's entitled to everything and that's why he doesn't tip. Howard said that he should be tipping these poor people who have to clean up his mess. Howard said he's more wonderful than anyone.
A reporter from the Huffington Post asked Howard who he thinks has the better mistresses, Elliot Spitzer or Tiger. Howard said that you have to admire the numbers that Tiger got.
Another reporter asked Howard what he learned today. Howard said he thinks that he's a great host for a pageant like this and he learned many things about how good he is at doing his job.
Steve Langford said they will have some exclusive behind the scenes stuff during the Howard 100 News today. Another reporter asked Jamie if they were surprised at how defensive Jaimee Grubbs was today. Jamie said she was kind of surprised and she did have attitude and she made her uncomfortable. Howard said he didn't detect that. Jamie said that she sensed that right from the start when she got up on the podium. Loredana agreed with her about that and said she didn't want to be friends with them.
Ralph Cirella came in and said that Jaimee really did think that she was above the other girls. He heard her out in the hall talking about that.
Howard said that they did a great job with the pageant today and they learned many things. He said he wanted to say something about the three women that competed. He said he had to applaud them all for coming in and he congratulated Jamie Jungers for her win. He said he's glad they all won money too. He said they all left there winners.
Howard said he wanted the press to make sure they tell their listeners and readers that Tiger tried anal with two of the girls but they both turned him down because of his girth. Howard said that they also learned that he didn't use a condom with all of the girls. He said that's like playing Russian Roulette.
Howard thanked the press and wrapped up with them so he could get to Robin's news. He thanked the girls for coming in and went to break.
Howard came back and said that was the right song to play since Jamie was crying. Howard said that during their pageant there were news reports breaking in and giving the results of their pageant. Howard played some audio from one news report where they broke into their news program and gave the results. They weren't sure what to do when they found out.
Howard said he thought the winner was sweet. He said she was glad she fucked Tiger. Howard asked Ralph about what he saw out in the hall. Ralph said he should have been a judge. He said that the second girl was smoking hot and that's the girl they should have voted for. He said that maybe number 3 but not number 1. He said that number 2 was smoking hot. He said she didn't have any cellulite or anything. Howard said that was Loredana. Howard said she didn't get any votes. Ralph said he doesn't get what the criteria was. Howard said it was whatever they wanted it to be.
Howard said Loredana was very attractive but the girl who won had a rockin' little body. He said that's what makes a horse race.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to congratulate him on one of the best radio segments ever. He said they kept it moving along and it was un-fucking-believable. He also told Ralph to shut the fuck up.
Howard said he wanted to thank everyone for working so hard on this whole thing. He thanked the guys in the office and the Howard TV guys and people like Tim Sabean and Jared Fox.
Steve said that Jessica Hahn hosted a show with Glenn Beck back in the 1980s in Phoenix. Steve said that Jessica said that Glenn Beck is no Howard Stern.
Steve said that Andy Milinokis has written a song about Jay Leno where he calls him a dick. He also said that Jay Leno lost to David Letterman in the ratings last night.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the show was a perfect 10. Another caller said that they should have picked number 2 as the winner. Howard said that he was basing this on beauty and other things so it wasn't just on hotness. Robin sad that the two others told better stories than Loredana. Howard said that there was a lot more to the pageant than he thinks.
Jon Hein came in and ran down his Wrap Up Show preview. Howard thanked him and moved on to Robin's news.
Howard said that Noel Biderman split during the press conference and that's not like him. He said that he's not one to avoid the press. Gary said he's not sure what happened to him. Howard said maybe he didn't want to hog the spotlight. Gary said he doesn't know where he went because there were a lot of people there.
Robin read some news about the guy who tried to extort David Letterman getting some jail time. Robin had some audio of him apologizing for what he did.
Howard said he'd like to know what JD thinks about their winner. JD said he kind of agrees with what they said about her being more of a mistress. He said that Loredana did have one of the best asses he's ever seen though. He said he's not sure he would have voted for her. JD said he felt she was kind of lethargic in her responses so he's happy with their decision. Benjy was with them too. Benjy said that he wanted to ask Loredana if she was paid to meet Tiger the first time or if she just met him there at the party. Howard said it sounded like it was set up by the matchmaker. He said he's not positive about that but that's the way it sounded to him.
Robin said that David Letterman was talking about his case on his show last night too. She had some audio of that.
Robin read a story about a Ryan Seacrest stalker who got a 90 days in a psychiatric hospital. Howard said that anyone who would stalk Ryan has to be mentally ill. Robin said this person tried to find Ryan in a couple of the places he was working at. Howard said he'd just stalk a mannequin if he was going to go after Ryan Seacrest. It's basically the same thing.
Robin said that the FCC is talking about making some radio frequencies available so people can get wireless internet. Howard said he likes that idea but that's what he was talking about yesterday where the signal was going to interfere with satellite radio. Howard said that would ruin their business. Howard said this company has pumped billions into the satellite business and the FCC could ruin that if they did this wireless broadband thing.
Robin read a story about a man whose Toyota Prius went out of control but his dealer told him his car wasn't in the current recall. Robin said the guy's car was going over 90 miles per hour and the cops were able to help him figure out how to stop the car. Howard asked how the cops knew it was a case of rapid acceleration. Robin said that the driver said that's what it was, the cops just had to stop the car.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that the pageant was great today and it was like a big party today. She said she isn't even cleaning the house because she's been listening. Mariann said that everything he does is right on the money and she loves it.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Charlie Sheen going into rehab for 2 weeks. Howard said that should cure him.
Robin read some news about Michael Jackson. There are some people who said that Jackson didn't know what prostitutes were when they saw him out asking who those women were out on the street. That shows how sheltered his life was. Robin had some audio of those people talking about that.
Robin read some news about Congressman Massa going on Larry King Live last night and refusing to answer Larry when he asked if he's gay. Robin had the audio of that clip that Howard played. Howard said that he was fascinated with Larry's voice in that one. He didn't want to stop playing it. There was another clip from Glenn Beck's show where the guy was explaining what he had done and what was going on. He admitted that he had groped a guy but he admitted he was wrong for doing it too. They spent a few minutes talking about that story. Jason came in with some details.
Robin had some news about a tax that could come out for sugary drinks. Howard said he's all for that. Robin had some audio of some people talking about that. Ralph came in and argued that it's not a good thing. Howard said that he thinks it's right to tax that stuff. Ralph asked what he would do if they started to tax Purell. Howard said they can't do that. He kicked him out and Fred played Mike Morse's ''Ralphie Cakes'' song to play him out.
Robin read some news about American Idol and how they may have a judge to replace Simon. She said the guy worked with U2 and produced a few of their albums. Howard said he'll probably be fine on the show. Howard said it doesn't matter what your background is. He said it's all about being a good broadcaster. He said that Simon is good at what he does and he thinks that 19 Entertainment will go bankrupt without Simon. Howard said Simon doesn't have any background. He said that he had a record company that bombed. He said he's just good at the broadcasting part of that show. He doesn't know anymore about music than anyone else.
Robin read some news about the Academy Awards leaving out Farrah Fawcett in their In Memoriam segment because she was known more for her TV work than movie work. Howard said that's bullshit and they just forgot her. Howard said Michael Jackson wasn't known for doing movies and he was in that thing.
Robin read some news about Matt Damon's new movie and had some audio of a guy talking about working with Matt Damon. Howard didn't last long with that clip. He cut it off saying he can't listen to it. He's not that choked up over that movie.
Robin read some news about Robert Pattinson and working with Pierce Brosnan. He said it was great, Howard cut it off and ended the show right around 11:20am.
Jon asked Benjy if he thinks that she would have won if she had gone second or third. Benjy said he thinks that she would have. Ralph said that the other chick, Loredana, should have won. He said that she was the hottest and the other chicks weren't that hot. Gary said that the first one was his type and Ralph's type was the second one. Ralph said Jamie didn't have a good body. He said it was like a little boy's body.
Jon said that this whole thing was a great idea. Gary said it was Mike Gange's idea too. He said that was a great contest and they were able to find the money and the girls and there was a lot of hand holding going on the whole time. Gary said that Jared handled the travel arrangements and stuff so he had a lot of things going on.
Gary said the biggest drama was that Jamie Jungers was running late and she might not get in on time today. Gary said that she got confused and went home so they had to get her back to the hotel. Gary said that Jared kept him up to date on everything that was going on and they knew that all 3 were in the city by last night. He said he could rest once that was set.
Jon played some audio of Jamie talking about how she had fallen for Tiger and how she was in love with him. After the clip Jon said that they heard a lot about what happened with Tiger and they learned a lot about what was going on. Gary said he thought she seemed very real as she was talking.
Jon asked if anything that came out about Tiger surprised Gary. Gary said that they were saying that he was cheap and that's the worst thing that a girl can say about a guy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard did a great job with the contest today. He also didn't think that Jamie should be rewarded for what she did. He said he thinks that's wrong. He said that people get rewarded for doing fucked up things. Gary said he gets that but that's not what they worry about there. Gary said that he should have tuned out when he heard what the pageant was about.
Another caller said that he thinks that Loredana got hosed today. He said that it was bullshit to say that she wasn't a true mistress. Gary said that's what Tiger wanted though. He said Tiger wanted the girlfriend experience with some and not with the others. Loredana was paid to go out with Tiger so that's not really a mistress. Benjy said she was saying that all of their meetings were set up according to her.
Jon said he found it intriguing that Tiger would go out to dinner with Jamie. He said that he must have thought he as above the law or something. Gary said that maybe the danger was a turn on to him. He said he clearly wasn't worried about it.
Ralph seemed to think that Tiger's wife had to have known what was going on. Gary said he's not sure about that. He said that David Letterman was able to pull it off with Meryl Marco when he was with her. He was cheating on her and Meryl had no idea.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they think this will bury Tiger. Gary said it might be a surge of press for him for a few more days but that won't bury him. He said that he may want to know more about it and he may get a transcript of the show or something. Gary said he thinks that Tiger would want to know what everyone was saying.
Gary said he thinks that the one girl who said she didn't know that Tiger was married really didn't know. He said that he'd understand that on the first date but after a while you'd think she'd figure it out.
Another caller said he doesn't think that Howard did anything wrong having this contest. Gary said he thinks that the contest went good today because Howard doesn't pass judgment on these girls. He said that Howard just had them tell their stories and he thinks that they appreciated that.
Jon said that Howard shines when it comes to a thing like this. He doesn't handle it like most people would. Ralph said that he likes to find out how these people get into the positions that they get into.
Jon brought up how they picked the judges and how Noel Biderman ended up in there. Noel was sitting in so Jon asked him how he picked Jamie. Noel told Jon that she's a genuine mistress and he thinks that she'll be one again. He said that it's a stream that they get into and they end up getting into it again. Noel said he thinks that they like being around those types of men who are risk takers. Ralph said that he wants to find someone like contestant number 2 on AshleyMadison.com if he goes on there.
Jon asked Gary if he felt that Jaimee Grubbs was coming off weird with the other girls. Gary said that she was kind of saying that she was better than the other girls. Ralph said that she was wondering why she was lumped in with the other girls. Gary said he felt that she had a very similar story to the other Jamie so he's not sure why she'd have an attitude. Gary said he spoke to all of them on the phone but liked Jaimee Grubbs the best. He said it was hard to tell her he wasn't picking her in the pageant. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks the revelation of Michael Jordan going out with that one girl is going to be the big headline. Gary said that news has been reported before. He didn't think that it would be that big of a story. Gary said that she wasn't even clear about when she dated him so maybe he wasn't even married at the time.
The caller asked if Corey Haim was ever on the show. Ralph joked that he was booked to be on tomorrow. They spent a short time talking about Haim's death.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the second girl had a little bit of an attitude too. He said that she was throwing money figures around and maybe that hurt her. The caller said that maybe she didn't care about it as much as the other girls. Gary said the second girl didn't have any attitude at all. He said that it didn't hurt her that she got paid but she didn't seem to care about the relationship as much as the other two did.
Ralph said a mistress should be disconnected though. That's what he was saying earlier. He said that you don't want a woman who is going to be attached to you when you're cheating on your wife. Benjy said that getting paid every time you see someone isn't a mistress either.
Another caller said that Jaimee Grubbs seemed to have a major attitude and it was weird how she had issues about being on Howard's show when she's all about getting attention. He said that she was also on this show Tool Academy and she's all about attention. Gary said that she was up front about that and said she wants to be on TV.
Gary said that the press were yelling stuff out at Jaimee Grubbs during the interview. Jon asked where all of the press were during that interview. Gary said they were in the Fish Bowl studio and he heard that they loved it. That led to them talking about how most of the reporters were women. Gary said they didn't turn down anyone and Keith Olbermann was supposed to come in but he didn't make it. Gary said he was kind of bummed about that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ralph is right about the mistress thing and you want someone disconnected from you when you have a mistress. Benjy said that if you pay someone every time then it's not really a mistress. Ralph said that you pay in some way no matter what. He said that you might pay for dinner and a movie, cars or whatever but you pay.
A caller said that he wanted to know why they didn't let Ralph judge because he wants to thank that person. He said he doesn't hate Ralph but he can't stand hearing him judging anything. The guy said it got to him the other day when he was listening to an old show. He said he's like Andy Dick crossed with Pauly Shore. Ralph liked that description of him.
Another caller said that Howard has to stop with the scarf thing. Ralph said it's winter time so he doesn't get why it's a big deal. He said Howard is still cold and he's just trying to stay warm. Ralph said that he's not using it for his look like some people do. He said the scarf isn't gay unless you're blowing a guy. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started the show talking about how Dice Clay was going to be stopping by this morning. He said Robin is the talk of the town this morning with the dress she's wearing. Howard said he heard about it but hadn't seen it yet. Robin said she hadn't even seen anyone else this morning. Fred said they saw her.
Howard said he hard the dress is very short. Robin said she was wearing boots too. Howard said she's making news with that outfit.
Howard asked Robin if she's dressed up for tonight because they're going out. Robin said she'll be a little spiffier than that for dinner. Howard said tonight is going to be her lucky night.
Howard said he read that Richard Belzer is supposed to be getting sued. He read this in the NY Post this morning. He said Belzer was at the Apple Store on the upper West Side recently. Howard said they have a really nice store up there. Howard said he was there checking stuff out the other day himself. Howard said they teach you how to use programs and stuff there and everything looks nice in there.
Howard said Belzer was at the store and there were long lines to get into the store. Howard said Belzer went there and was someone who asked if she could help him. Belzer put his hands on her shoulders and said that he was glad she was there thinking she knew who he was. She called the cops thinking that he was trying to choke her. The cops looked at the surveillance tape and didn't file charges but now the woman is filing a lawsuit.
Howard said he wishes that he could have filed lawsuits when he was in school. He said people put their hands on him all the time. Howard said it's weird how people try to sue people who have money.
Howard said a man shouldn't put his hands on a woman like that in this society. Robin said that no one should be touching someone at all like that. Howard said everyone is so litigious. He said they tried to stop this with TORT reform but it didn't go anywhere.
Howard said he has had lawsuits before where he's got proof that would help him win and lawyers tell him not to bother. He said he could sue the guys who put the ''Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader'' show on the air. He said the lawyers told him that he wouldn't win. He said it's just weird with TV shows.
Howard said it's weird how you can take ideas for TV shows and just change the name a little bit and it seems to be okay. He said the laws in TV are absolutely bizarre. He said that Oprah stole her show format from Phil Donahue. He said there was no format like Phil's show before he started. Oprah didn't have an original idea and just stole the idea of his show for her own. Howard said that most people failed at stealing that format but Oprah just happened to do well.
Howard said this is what bugs him about the Jay Leno show when he has Ross the Intern on his show. Howard said he innovated all of that kind of stuff himself. He said no one ever called people ''the intern'' before he did it on his show. Howard said no one ever had people from behind the scenes on their shows before he did. Howard said he didn't invent interns but he did have a style of bringing the audience behind the scenes.
Howard said he was watching Leno the other night where they had Ross the Intern asking celebrities silly questions. Howard said he created that. He said he did it himself for a while then he had people from behind the scenes at the show going out and doing it long before Leno ever did.
Howard said he created that stuff and he was on the edge making it work. Then people steal his edgy stuff and water it down. Howard said then they pat themselves on the back like they created something. Howard said that Leno stole his Homeless Game to do Jay Walking and that's the bit the guy is known for. Howard said that they did it with strippers but Leno does it with regular people. He heard that the script some of it too so it's not even real.
Howard said David Letterman took the idea of calling his mother on the air from his show but Dave admits that he got that idea from his show.
Howard talked about how he got the Greg Shinault award for doing an American Idol-like show back in 1980. He said he did that but he's not saying they stole his idea on Idol. He said that he has sued people over stealing show ideas and won before. He said he thinks he could win the case against the ''Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader'' people.
Howard said this is why he gets aggravated. Robin said that Leno wanted to hire stuttering John to do the same kind of stuff for his show that he was doing for Howard. Robin said that she told John not to take that job. She said that's why he eventually got a full time job over there. Howard said John didn't even create that bit. He said he, Jackie and Fred would write the questions for John. John just read off a piece of paper.
Howard talked about how he told Jay he wasn't his friend anymore the time he spoke to him on the phone. He said that Jay told him that Steve Allen invented a lot of the stuff he thought he was stealing. Howard said that Jay was claiming he was taking his ideas from Steve but he's a phony, a fake and a liar. He said he's got no character.
Howard said that Jay is a crook and he'll say that until the day he dies. He said he's a crook and a nothing. Howard said he was a great stand-up comedian early on but he sold out many years ago. Howard said that Stuttering John is on his show now but once Jay got him he couldn't figure out what to do with the guy. Howard said he had to have him but then he got him and didn't know what to do. Robin said Jay just wanted to steal from him without having to hire him. He didn't want to pay him at all, he just wanted to use him and jeopardize his job.
Howard said that people tell him not to dwell on this but he can't let the guy get away with it. He said he gets hung up on it and his psychiatrist thinks he should just move on. Howard said his shrink tells him that if he's healthy he would be complimented that he was an influence and he shaped a lot of ideas and lives and things have evolved.
Howard said he's not saying that he was ripped off by Dancing with the Stars because that's an original idea. Howard said he knows people who work with Jay Leno and know that he's a thief. Howard said he's not sure the guy would be comfortable talking about that on the air but maybe some day he will.
Howard said he heard that Jamie wore her tiara the rest of the day, even when she checked out of the hotel. She may have had her sash on too. Howard said he heard that she lost a lot of weight for the pageant. She was on the Today Show a few months ago and she was a bit heavier. Howard said she said she weighed 105 pounds but she stepped on the scale at one point and she was actually 95.
Howard took a call from Hanzi who said that his web site had crashed yesterday trying to see the pictures of the girls.
Howard said Hanzi is right because Beth was trying to get on the site and it was down. Howard said Beth told him about that and he spoke to Doug Hurwitt and he didn't know how much traffic they were getting. He said they have a big server and it's rare when they do crash. Howard asked if it was back up. Jason told him it's still down. Howard wanted to find out what was going on with that.
Hanzi told Howard he told him his real name a few weeks ago and he really was named after a soccer player. His name is Imran Khan. Howard said that guy is his uncle actually. Howard said that would be like his parents naming him Babe Ruth or something. Howard wondered why he calls himself Hanzi. Hanzi said that's a nickname he's had since he was a kid.
Hanzi was high on weed so he was acting kind of weird. Howard asked him how he got the nickname Hanzi. He said this guy was goofing on his name and came up with Hanz and that led to him calling himself Hanzi. Howard told him he'd embrace his real name and call in as Imran Khan. Hanzi wasn't sure he wanted to do that. Howard said he should give it a try.
Howard let Hanzi go even though he didn't want to get off the phone. Howard said he always does that to him. He gets upset when he has to hang up on him.
Howard played one report from Extra where they talked about the pageant and played some clips. They were saying they couldn't show some of the pageant because it was too graphic. Howard and Robin said there was no nudity in the pageant so they're not sure what that was about.
Howard played another report where they talked about the pageant and played some clips from the press conference they held after the pageant yesterday. One of the reporters said that the pageant was awesome. That was from an E! show called the Daily 10.
Howard had the TMZ report and they've been all over this thing since the beginning. In that clip they played a bunch of quick clips from the pageant. They had some fun with the clips. Howard said they did a nice job with that report.
Howard said they offered videotape of the show for anyone who wanted it. He said they had a liberal amount of stuff to use.
Doug said it wasn't even the bandwidth. He said they have over 20 machines that run the web site and that wasn't enough. He said it caused a huge log jam that brought down the whole system. He said they can't get the system back up and running. He said one of the main machines that runs the thing is just fried from the traffic.
Howard said he doesn't understand what it is that broke it. He said he doesn't get why that is. Doug said that's what he's trying to find out too. He said he's not sure exactly what happened. Doug said it should not break, but it did.
Howard asked Doug if he was high because he sounded a little groggy. Doug said he was up until 1 in the morning trying to fix it and he just woke up. Howard asked if he had any numbers to give him. Doug said they had so much traffic they couldn't keep track.
Gary said he thinks they drew in a lot of people that they don't usually get. Doug said it was the huge spike that led to the crash. He said it wasn't even the number of people, it was the number of people all at once.
Howard asked when the show is going to be on Howard TV. Doug Goodstein said that it will be up by Midnight tonight or so.
Gary said he was looking at everything on the internet yesterday. He said that Jamie Jungers didn't take that Tiara off. Howard said he was talking about that earlier.
Howard had Yucko the Clown on the phone to help out with the web site. Yucko said it was Jason eating cupcakes around the server and dropping crumbs into it. Doug said he'd look into that. Howard asked what was going on between Yucko and Jason. Howard said yesterday was cupcake Wednesday.
Gary asked Yucko not to text him anymore. Yucko said ''Fuck you Gary.'' Gary said Yucko was telling him not to be nervous yesterday and it's just a waste of time. He said he will read his emails but he doesn't want him texting him.
Gary said he used to get texts from Artie when he'd show up late or Benjy not being able to get into the building. He said he'd rather keep it for important things. Gary said he checks his email often too but Yucko said that the texting goes through right away.
Gary said that he has to be up at 4:30 every morning and he'll start a war with Yucko if he wants. Gary said he'll just start calling him at 4:30 in the morning. Yucko laughed when he heard that. Gary said he did that to a guy who got his number one time. He said people say they don't care but after a month they do care.
Howard asked Doug Hurwitt if he wanted to get going. Doug said he wanted to go call some people. Howard let him and Yucko go.
Howard ended up doing an impression of what it was like to do radio up there in Hartford at WCCC. He said that they'd play rock but it was some shitty rock like NRBQ, Blackfoot and more. He talked up Blackfoot's ''Train Train'' song and said that's the kind of stuff that was huge up there at the time.
Howard had Fred playing ''Highway Song'' from Blackfoot and said that they were like the Beatles to the people of Hartford. Howard said that's what they should be playing at those races that Bubba goes too. Fred said that's the kind of stuff they'd play at a lynching.
Howard sang along to the song with his Autotune thing on. It wasn't helping his voice. Fred threw in the Tarzan audio clip he plays when someone's singing is really bad.
Howard said he was in Hartford in this dump and his neighbors were super assholes. He said it was two guys and two girls living together. He said he was renting this place and he had to lie about how much he was making. Howard said he wasn't able to qualify at 12,000 a year so he had to say he was making 17,000. He said his boss had no problem lying about that.
Howard said things were really bad up there. He said when they offered him 30,000 in Detroit he had to jump on that. He said he didn't even have video games back then. He said that's right around the time Pong came out. He said he loved that stuff.
Howard said his neighbors got it in their head that he was saying controversial stuff on the air. He said they would stay up all night partying and keep him awake. Howard said he was the morning man, the music man, the production guy and more there at WCCC. He said they had him making commercials that they would sell on spec. He said that they never sold any of them so he was doing it all for nothing.
Howard said he was doing commercials for pizza places and they'd try to sell them to the place but they never worked.
Howard said his neighbors would party all night and they would play music and keep him up. He said the walls were paper thin too. He said he figured he'd set them straight and play music at 4 in the morning but those people were still up partying and didn't care.
Howard said they eventually hung signs on his front door where they'd have political arguments with him about stuff he said on the air. Howard said he would tell them they can't do that but then the guy would give him the free speech argument. Howard said that trying to explain to a hillbilly that it's different was impossible. Howard said that the first amendment has been a pain in his ass. He said the guy was a big ass motherfucker too so he couldn't even fight him. He said he had to call the police one time and that made them even more furious.
Howard said the cops didn't help because that just upsets the neighbors more. He said that's when it would be great to be Chuck Zito. He said that they would have moved away if he was a Chuck Zito type. He said he would have chased them right out of that place. Robin said Chuck would have set rules and they would have followed them.
Howard said he had a guy who was dicking with him and he wanted to have Chuck and his friends go hang out at his house. Howard said that's not right to do but he thought about it. He said he doesn't think that Chuck would do it anyway. Robin said that Chuck would have needed a favor from him if he had done that.
Howard said he'd like to be a bad ass for just one day. He said Jesse Ventura told him he could turn him into one if he ate 12 raw eggs a day. Howard said then he'd just be a bulked up pussy.
Howard said he went to Detroit and that was a whole other picture. Howard said Kidd Chris is going through that kind of thing now. He's working in some horrible city now. Howard said it's not fun talking to 30,000 people when you're used to talking to millions. Howard said there's no fun in that business. He said it's kind of fun for him now but not for guys like Kidd Chris.
Howard said he got compliments on the show yesterday but when you're coming up you don't get that. He said no one had a nice thing to say about him when he was coming up. He said he's just out there trying to do well for his station and they don't care. He said they just treat you like shit the whole time.
Howard said they still get shit these days. Robin said that she was thinking about the Gabourey Sidibe coverage they got and she was just really trying to help that girl out. Robin said maybe they should tell her to gain more weight or something to get people off of that. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said that Gary the Retard has been calling there crying lately. Howard heard the Kid Rock song playing so he stopped and listened to that for a minute. He said he likes that song and it gives him the chills.
Howard quickly mentioned that the web site was back up. He said that Gary the Retard wanted to come up there for his birthday but they weren't able to get him there. Howard said he feels bad for the guy because he could be enjoying so many things in the world other than coming up there. He said it sucks to have low intelligence like that. Robin said she thinks that it would be easier to be like that. Howard said he's not sure about that.
Howard played another Gary the Retard bit that Sal and Richard did with him. They had him playing ''Are You Smarter Than a Caribou?'' They had the Caribou winning the game over Gary. Gary didn't care that he was losing to the Caribou.
Howard played some of the audio of Patrick Kennedy going crazy over a few things. He was screaming and carrying on the whole time he was allowed to speak.
Kennedy mentioned the Eric Massa story that's been in the news. Howard said that story is a great one. He said that his story keeps changing and he's had to resign. Howard said that the guy was accused of groping some guy and admitted that he had. He said the guy was all over the place with his stories. Howard said you listen to it and you think he's being drummed out for nothing but now it turns out that there was a lot more to it. He had a whole team of gay dudes working in his office and he had them living in his place since they weren't making much money. He said the place was like a crazy house and there were more hijinx than people thought.
Howard read a story about this Massa guy and had some more details on the weird behavior the guy had. There were people accusing him of groping when he was in the Navy. There were people who came forward from those days and from the latest stories about him having gay guys living with him in his house.
Howard read about some of the people who are accusing Massa of groping them and stuff like that. Howard said that one guy was saying that Massa groped him in his sleep. Howard read about another guy who found Massa trying to undo his pants and ''snorkel'' him. Howard wasn't sure what that meant. Fred said he read one story where they said he may have been doing a ''tea bagging'' type of thing but they had the story wrong.
Gary said he read on the Urban Dictionary that ''snorkeling' is like tea bagging but then you put your penis near their mouth. Howard said that's funny that they didn't include that in the story.
Howard said this Massa guy is a character. He was on Larry King the other night telling Larry that it was inappropriate to ask him if he was gay.
Howard said he was up late last night watching American Idol. He said that Ellen got up and ran up to hug a guy. He said it was douche chill city. He said she doesn't belong on the show and it's a horrible mix of people on there now. He said they're killing off a franchise with them. He said they need Paula Abdul back on the show. He said these other women make you want to vomit.
Howard said he was reading Andrea Piser who wore that human breast milk chess is disgusting. Howard said she had a bunch of reasons for why it's wrong. Howard and Robin were also talking about the battle of the breast fed and bottle fed babies. He said that there are women who will turn their backs on women if they are feeding with a bottle.
Howard had some more audio from news reports about the Mistress Beauty Pageant. He played one where they were acting disgusted by the whole pageant. Howard said that there was nothing wrong with the pageant, the seamy side of the thing was when they were sleeping with Tiger Woods. Howard said they're making him out to be worse than Tiger Woods.
Howard said Jamie Jungers looked like a 17 year old and Tiger Woods is the guy who was married and picking that girl up.
Howard played more of the audio where they called Howard the ''shock jock'' and Howard asked why they still call him that. He said he thinks he's risen above that.
Howard said he loved the pageant. He said that some of the girls ended up fighting so it was great. He said it worked out really, really well. Howard said the guys all did a great job setting it up.
JD said it's not horrible, he's had some compliments. Howard said he's showing too much face. Howard said the people complimenting him are lying. Howard told him it's almost like a Hitler hair cut.
JD said he just cares that it's short. The Howard TV guys put up a picture of the guy from Revenger of the Nerds, Robert Carradine, like JD looks like him.
Howard asked JD what he and Ashley Dupre are going to be doing on their date. JD said he hasn't been able to speak to her much lately. He said she's very busy. JD said that she's out in L.A. so he's going to fly out there too and meet her there for their ''date.''
Howard said they have $5,000 for JD to spend on her so he's going to do whatever he wants to on this date. JD said he hasn't spoken to her in about a week. He said they have texted a few times. Howard said that she seems to be a little stand off-ish with him. JD said that's possible.
Howard asked when he's flying out. JD said he's flying today. He said they're going out to dinner at Nobu and then going around in a limo. Howard said maybe he should go somewhere else that other hot guys might not be hanging out at.
JD said that they're not sure what they're doing after that. He said that Ryan Phillippe called him too so they might do something out there. He said Ryan told him about the stuff that's going on out there that they could do.
Howard asked JD if he contacted Ryan himself. JD said he did text him and he's going to help him figure out what to do out there. JD said Ryan told him about a club out there that they might be able to get into. He said Ashley talked about taking a helicopter ride. Howard told him not to do that. He said they crash. Robin said the girl wants that though. Robin said he might look like a sissy if he turns that down.
Howard asked JD where he and Ashley are going to be staying. JD said he wishes he could go into that stuff but there's a whole thing going on. He said she doesn't want things out there about what she's doing. JD told him not to worry about that. JD said that he can't talk about what he's talking about. JD said he's going to be staying in a nice hotel and he's going to have a nice suite. He said he learned a lot about where to stay now that he's gone out on the road with Artie. Howard told him not to follow everything that Artie does. He said he'll end up at his mom's house.
JD said he's going to fly first class out to L.A. He's going to have a car pick him up at the airport and then the date will happen tomorrow night. JD said he has friends out there so he'll have stuff to do in the meantime.
JD said he's flying back on Saturday. Robin asked why he's not staying out there longer. JD said it's ''a whole thing...'' Howard said he could hang out with people like Ryan out there. JD said he has things to do back home so he's just coming back.
Howard said the last time JD hung out with Ryan it was humiliating. JD said Ryan said the first time he was out there Ryan introduced him to a girl and the girl asked why he was introducing him. JD said he doesn't need to be known as the guy from Revenge of the Nerds there either. Howard said that picture was frighteningly close to what that guy looks like.
Robin told JD he should have gotten some news clothes for the trip. Howard said he should have done another make over with Beth. JD said it's too late now. JD was talking about how he was going to wear the same thing he wore to the Christmas Party. Robin said that outfit was horrible. Howard said he should go out and get something new and cool. He said he needs shades and one of those Justin Timberlake hats that people are wearing now. JD said he's not into that. He said he just wants to be ''whatever.''
Howard said JD has to get his shit together. This chick is looking for cool. He told him to get some cool jewelry like he has. He was just trying to help JD out. Howard asked if he's going to bring condoms with him. JD said he might, ''I dunno...''
Howard told JD to try and knock her up. He said that would complicate things. JD said that's just what she would want.
Robin asked when the helicopter ride is going to happen. JD said he's not sure if they run them at night. Robin said he doesn't want to be up there at night. Howard said he worries about JD. JD said he doesn't want to be a concern to them.
Fred played some helicopter sounds during the discussion. Howard asked JD some more about the money he was going to be spending and JD said he didn't know about all of that. Howard said that he should talk to Ross about going to Nobu. He said he's an expert at ordering there.
Howard did an impression of JD placing his order at Nobu. Robin asked if he even eats sushi. JD said he does. Howard told him to talk to Ross about the menu.
Howard said he hopes that Ashley just fucks JD. That would make his life complete. Howard said with his luck he'll probably end up getting a hand job from Ryan. Howard said that guy Ryan is a good guy. He said he texts JD more than Ashley does. Howard said that Ryan can get into clubs no problem out there but JD may not get in. JD said that Ryan can get him into the club so that's what he's talking about doing.
Howard asked JD if he's good in a loud club. JD said he's not good in a no-sound club. Howard said maybe the music will be a savior. He said the loud club could save him. He said that he should get out and dance too. JD said he has his moves so he'll be okay with that. Howard said Ashley may end up dancing with other chicks. JD said he'd watch that.
Howard suggested that any Paparazzi that are out there in L.A. make a big deal out of JD when he's out on his date. Howard said JD can yell at the photographers and they can push Ryan Phillippe to the ground. He said it would be great if they pushed Ryan out of the way to take JD's picture. Howard said that they could get harassed by the paparazzi and then go back to the hotel to get away from them. Howard said JD can talk about how his TiVo skills have gotten him to that point.
Howard said that they should set JD up with a little kid paparazzi that he can beat up. JD said there is a kid out there who does that stuff. Howard said he can beat that kid up to impress Ashley.
Fred played Creed's ''With Arms Wide Open'' during the discussion and Howard got on his Autotune and sang along to that song. Howard said this date is going to be unbelievable. He said she has to be one hell of a lay too. He said JD has to get her in bed. He said he can show off his skills using the TiVo remote on her when they're in bed.
Howard said he has a 6 hour flight ahead of him. JD said he knows that. Howard said he hopes he gets that chick in bed. He created the scene out there and asked JD if he would stay out there if he did hook up with her on Friday. Fred played Journey's ''Open Arms'' as Howard was talking about all of that. JD was going to say something but he stopped himself and said he's not sure where she's going to be staying. He said that she may not be staying with him in his suite. Howard said she had better stay in his suite. JD said he'll have to see what happens.
JD said there are things that she doesn't want out there that he can't talk about. He said if he does get to be with her he would stick around until Sunday but then he'd have to come home. He said he's backed up. Robin said he's definitely backed up. JD said he's backed up in more than one way.
Howard said the $5,000 is from the movie ''She's Out Of My League.'' He asked JD if he wants him to talk to Richie Notar about getting him a private room away from hot guys. He said he'll make that happen if he wants. JD said he doesn't need him to cause a whole hubbub over there. Howard said he'll get Richie to fill the room with cancer patients or something.
Howard asked JD when he last spoke to Ashley. JD said he texted her a couple of days ago. JD said she's very busy. Robin asked what she could be doing. Howard said she's probably busy with her boyfriend. JD said he'll find out.
Howard went over JD's date again. Robin told him not to do the helicopter thing at night. JD said it is kind of scary because he's been in one at night. They had to land in a field that night he was with Artie going to a comedy gig. Howard told JD to make sure he has a female pilot so Ashley doesn't end up in the pilot's lap. Howard said he needs to get her back to the hotel room. Howard said she did agree do stay in the room with JD at one point. Now she's not.
Howard said he should pay the pilot to take them to a deserted island and pretend to die when they get there so it's just JD and Ashley on an island together. Howard said Ashley might end up falling in love with a starfish.
Howard wished JD luck because he knows about putting all of this work into a date and having it not work out. He said he never had 5 grand to spend on a chick though. He gave JD some more suggestions on what to do with the pilot and the deserted island. He said they could do a ''Swept Away'' type thing. Howard did his JD voice and had him talking to Ashley. He had Ashley introducing JD to her boyfriend ''Mr. Coconut'' on the deserted island.
Howard said that should be fun for JD out there. JD said he's not sure if he's getting in first class out there or not. He said that it's last minute planning so that may not work out.
Robin said JD has to ask Ashley for a story to take back to the show. Fred said that he could ask her to let him jerk off onto her dress. Howard said maybe Howard TV should go out there with him and that would help him get laid. JD said he's not sure about that. Howard said maybe he should have some privacy.
JD said he's not comfortable with the attention and spotlight on all of this so he doesn't need cameras. Howard said he's pulling for him. He said if she bangs him he should just move out there and stay. Howard said he could do his job from there.
Howard let JD go and Robin said he always walks out of there looking defeated. Howard took a call from a guy who was trying to come up with a name for JD and Ashley. Howard, Fred and Robin tried to come up with some too. Fred's last suggestion was Nerd-pre. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he just pulled a splinter out during the break. He's not sure where he got it. Howard said he hadn't seen Lenny Kravitz in a long time. He said he saw him at the Oscar's with his daughter though. Robin said she almost ran into him down in the Bahamas. Howard said that Robin is quite a traveler these days. So is Ronnie the Limo Driver. Ronnie has become a world traveler lately.
Howard thanked Noel Biderman and AshleyMadison.com for sponsoring the pageant yesterday. He said he was good as a judge and helped sway them toward what a real mistress is.
Howard said Andrew Dice Clay just got married again recently. Dice came in a short time later. Dice was wearing some big sunglasses so Howard pointed that out. Dice said that they're lightly tinted. Howard argued that they're not. Dice said they really are.
Howard asked Dice if he's lost some weight. Dice said people say he has but he's not trying to. Howard said he remembers when Dice was preparing to do ''Ford Fairlane'' he was working out and stuff. Howard asked Gary to give Dice some sound in his headphones. He asked how they can make this work from now on. He said it's been going on for four years. Gary said it hasn't been going on all this time. Gary said Scott should set a setting every day. Dice said this happens every time he comes in.
dice said he was out in the hall talking to the camera but he had to direct the fucking guy. He said that Gary doesn't know what he's doing either. Howard said Dice makes a good point and they should test this stuff every day. Howard said maybe they should have a sign showing people where the knobs are. Gary said that he tells guests not to touch the microphone but they end up touching it anyway. He said they don't listen.
Dice went off on Gary saying he never does anything right. Dice said it's simple to turn the knob and get the sound in there. Howard said he wants to know how people can figure this out. Gary said he will tell them but people don't listen.
Howard said this isn't his problem. He said he has 9 more months left and he's done with this. Gary said he will tell people but they're going to forget. Howard said he just wants a solution like a sign near the volume switch.
Howard said he called Dice back when he was doing the movie ''Ford Fairlane'' and he was in training at the time. He was just eating one tin of tuna fish every day. Dice said that he had a guy who was very strict with what he did and he was eating just tuna and water. He said he dropped a lot of weight and got into shape. Dice said he knows what to do to get into shape now. Dice said it's not tuna these days though. It's chicken now.
Robin said that Dice has some big side burns but they're coming in grey. Dice said he's 52 now so of course it's coming in grey. He said he colors them sometimes but he doesn't really mind the grey.
Howard asked Dice about his new wife and what the age spread is. Dice said it's 25 years. He said he's been dying his hair since he was in his 30s though so he's used to that. He said that he only does it every few weeks.
Howard said this girl is very young and he heard that she's very hot. the guys out there are all going crazy over her. Dice said he met her when he was doing The Apprentice.
Howard said that Dice's mic wasn't sounding right and he was blaming Gary for that. Gary gave him a ''fuck you'' over his mic. Gary came in and said he tried to place the mic in the right spot. Howard said he wanted people to hear Dice. Gary said that someone has to adjust the mic and the headphone levels then. Howard said he's not sure what to do anymore. He said his producer just said ''fuck you'' when he said that it was his fault.
Howard said that he didn't do anything and Gary is the one who should be in charge of making that work. Gary said that they've had the same microphones for four years so he's not sure why it's his fault.
Dice cut Howard and Gary off and went off on Jason Alexander. Dice said that he went to a card game and Jason was there at the game. Dice said he went up there but hasn't gambled in years. He said that he used to lose big money.
Dice said that he wants to know where the book man is that will put out his book. He said he wrote it but he needs someone to publish it. Howard asked why they're not putting it out. Dice said that people don't want to do things the way he wants. He said they didn't do his reality show the way he wanted and that's why it didn't work out. Howard asked how he wanted to do it. Dice said he wanted to show the truth by filming himself. He said they wanted to rob the studio money and have a bunch of editors and stuff to work on the show. Dice said he filmed it all himself and they had all of these lame ideas for him to do. He said he was contracted to do the show so he had to go along with that stuff.
Dice said that things are going good now. He said he's doing comedy but he's sick of traveling from city to city. He said he doesn't like going through the airports and having guys playing with his nuts. He said he's doing big concerts but he's sick of traveling. His new wife is with him all the time in Las Vegas.
Howard asked what was up with Jason Alexander. Dice said he met him and he took him out on the porch at the agent's house and told him that if he had to come back he would want to come back as him. He said he told Jason that he's not him and he won't come back as him. He said that Jason went back to gamble and play cards so he sat and watched. Dice said he doesn't even like poker so he didn't like watching that.
Dice said that Eli Wallach and Jennifer Tilly were playing cards. He said that this meatball Jason Alexander was sitting there and he said he's not afraid to bet since he makes a million an episode. He said that's like being a bully if you ask him. He said that he used to get a million a night doing his comedy shows. Dice said that these actors are looking for their next jobs and Jason is rubbing it in that he was getting a million an episode. Dice said Jason is doing some kind of show now where he calls himself ''Donnie Clay'' and he heard that he used to say nasty shit about him years ago. He said he meets him at the card game and he says he wants to be him and now he's doing ''Donnie Clay.'' He said that Jason looks like Adam Sandler's dog. He said that guy is cum that went the wrong fucking way. Dice said if he's going to use his name he's going to have repercussions.
Dice said he hasn't seen this show Jason is doing but he's a mutant. He was getting all worked up calling him a mutant over and over again.
Howard asked Dice if he thinks that Jason is trying to be him or just acknowledging him. Dice said he doesn't know. He said he hasn't seen the show. He said he doesn't like anyone using his name. Dice said there are a million names he could use but he picked his.
Dice said he wasn't going to get angry at him on Howard's show so this is him not being angry. He said he wants to tell this bald, fat, zero that he doesn't want anyone fucking with him.
Howard moved on to something happier. He asked Dice about his new wife. Dice said when he met this girl he knew this was it. Dice said that his kids are in a band called L.A. Rocks and they're putting out an album. Dice was all over the place with his stories. He kept changing subjects in the middle of discussions. Dice said that he went on Opie and Anthony's show a while back and they played some of their music. He said that was just their demo but now they're really recording.
Dice said he teaches his kids to be themselves and never follow in his shadow. He said that they both have that James Dean kind of look but they rock. He said you'd never know that they were teenagers. Howard asked if they live with him. Dice said they do. Howard asked if they didn't want to live with her. Dice said he didn't want to get into that because they're all getting along now.
Howard asked if the wife is parading around in hot outfits around the kids. Dice said that the kids are respectful. Howard asked if the kids are attracted to her. Dice said his kids aren't like that. Dice told him not to make him mad about that. He said his kids listen to Howard's fuckin' show.
Howard said if his dad brought home a 26 year old that's hot, he'd be all over that. Dice said his 19 year old is interested in her friends, not in her.
Howard asked Dice if the sex is good with this wife. Dice said it's amazing. He said that they got married on Valentine's day and it's still smoking down there. He said this girl is a Latin girl and they're great. Howard said he's heard stories about Latin girls and how good they can be in bed.
Howard asked to meet this girl. dice didn't want him talking dirty to her. The guys brought her in and Dice said she's very shy. Howard said she didn't look shy to him. Dice was being very protective of her.
Howard said that Valerie was very beautiful. He asked if a lot of men hit on her when she was single. She said that she did have a lot. Howard asked why she picked Dice of all men. Valerie said it was everything about him.
Howard asked if she has any regrets. She said she's very happy. Dice told her to tell Howard how they met. Valerie didn't get a chance to answer. Dice was telling Howard that her father is a huge fan of Howard's.
Howard said that Dice likes to use Viagra and he wondered why he has to do that. Dice said that he pops them like tick tacks. He said he doesn't believe that Howard doesn't need that. Howard said he doesn't have to use any of that.
Valerie said Dices doesn't actually need it. She said he's just joking about a lot of it. Howard asked Valerie if the kids come on to her. She said that they're the greatest kids. She said she wouldn't have married Dice if she didn't love them too.
Dice said he was starting to sweat from Howard's questions. Howard told Valerie she's got great lips, eyes and body. He asked her who she dated before Dice. Valerie said she's only had 2 boyfriends before Dice. Howard asked if one of them was Jason Alexander. Valerie laughed and said no to him on that one.
Howard asked if Valerie lounges around in a bikini. She said she has in Vegas but not at home. Howard said the boys have to be thinking of her in a sexual way. Valerie said that they're very respectful and she doesn't think about that, ever.
Howard asked Valerie if Dice is good in bed. She said that he is. Howard asked if he's good at Cunnilingus. She said she didn't even know what that meant. Dice had to tell her.
Howard said that he didn't believe that she weighed 130 pounds. Howard said she looks like she's about 100. Dice said she's a girl so weight is different for them.
Dice told Howard about going to the Playboy mansion a couple of months before he met Valerie. He said he never got laid there. He said he has only been there twice and he never had problems getting chicks. He said he got a second invite to go there and his oldest son was there so he told him that they could have gone there. He said his son asked why they were sitting there then. Dice said that they headed out there and they gave him a hard time about getting in. He was going to leave but he ended up going back. Dice said he spoke to his pharmacist who was there. He said there were a bunch of hot chicks there and then this Valerie walked by. He said that she was with her friends and his buddy Johnny asked if he wanted to meet her. He said she came up to him later and said she liked his glasses so that was it.
Howard asked Dice if he got in her pants that night. Dice said it wasn't that night. Howard asked how long it took for him to get into her pants. Dice told her not to answer. Dice said they just hung out. Howard asked if he's a good kisser. She said he is.
Valerie said that she never goes up to guys like that but she really did go up to him and tell him she liked his glasses. Valerie said that she told her friends about this guy ''Andrew'' that she had met and her friends had to tell her who he was.
Howard asked if they want to have kids. dice said they have talked about doing that. Howard said he's not going to be chasing little kids around. Howard said he and Beth aren't going to have any. Howard said he and Beth have agreed that they don't want kids. Howard said that they didn't make love for two weeks after meeting. Dice said this is 2010 and you don't wait 2 weeks.
Howard said Valerie is very sexy. She's a good catch for Dice. He asked if they signed a pre-nup. Howard said Dice got cleaned out the last time he was married. Dice said everything is taken care of. Howard said he's just trying to help. Howard said Valerie doesn't want to lose all of her dress designs to Dice.
Dice said he was walking into a hotel one time and he said something about him. He said he flipped out on the guy. He said that Valerie was on his back trying to stop him. He said that when they get nasty he has to go on the attack.
Howard asked if they can have sex more than one session a night. Dice said that there is no end to it. He said it can go on all night. He said they went to see Jersey Boys last night and they had fun doing that. Howard said he's really in love to go see that.
Dice said that they went to see the Elvis show out in Vegas too. Dice said that even more important is to see him at the Hilton out in Vegas. Dice said he was on the George Lopez Show the other night doing an Elvis song.
Howard gave dice some plugs for some gigs he's doing out there at Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant and Staten Island.
Howard asked Dice what he will do if Valerie gains weight. She told Howard she won't do that. Howard said she's some catch. Dice said she's a real girl too. Howard asked what the weight maximum is for Dice. Dice said they're not like that.
Howard said Dice and Valerie are perfect together. He wished them happiness. Howard asked if there is going to be a sex tape between them. Dice said he's not looking to be on YouTube or anything like that. Howard asked if they'll ever bring chicks into the bedroom. Valerie isn't into that. Howard said Dice is secretly into it and he wanted him to ask. Dice said he was lying about that. Howard said his wife isn't into that either. Dice said that people don't give a fuck about that stuff.
Dice asked Robin why she won't take Jim Florentine back. Robin said that no one was asking to come back. Robin said that Jim broke up with her. Dice said he thought that they were very good together. Howard said he hard that Jim and Don Jamieson were at Dice's wedding. Dice also had Robin Leach there. Howard asked if Valerie met Dice's ex. She said she did and they got along.
Howard asked if Valerie's breasts were real. Valerie said they are real. She said that they're not even that big. Dice said they're beautiful. He told her not to answer his questions anymore. He said that's why he didn't want to bring her in there.
Howard said Dice is an excellent father. He takes his kids to the Playboy mansion. Howard said his father never did that. Howard asked Dice if he ever had sex with a Playboy bunny. Dice said he dated one playboy chick but that was an accident. Dice said that Latin girls are able to tell if you're looking at another girl and she'll point that out if she sees him looking. He said he gets very jealous too. Howard said he wouldn't trust Valerie out on her own. Howard said he'd lock her up in a cage to make sure she didn't do anything with anyone.
Howard gave Dice some more plugs. He said that he's going to be at the Hilton in Las Vegas starting later this month too. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he was out doing his taxes. He said it's almost tax time. He said it's almost April and they have to get on top of that stuff. Howard said he doesn't drag that out.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone to play his game. He gave him a quick plug and mentioned that the National Enquirer were nominated for a Pulitzer prize. They had been pushing for that because they broke the story about Senator John Edwards. Mike said that they have a $50,000 reward for anyone who can bring them an Alien. Howard said they used to have a lot of crime stories and sex stories years ago. Mike said that's because they were easy stories to get. He said no one else was doing them at the time.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
During the game Howard and Mike talked about the meetings Howard had with the producers of American Idol. Mike said he heard he had two meetings with them. Howard said the truth is he had one meeting and it wasn't about Idol. He said they were talking about other things in that meeting. Mike asked Howard if he would have interest in doing that show. Howard said if they offered him $100 million to do that show he would have to take it.
Steve said they have a story about what Howard was saying about Gabourey Sidibe and what a doctor had to say about that.
Steve said that Robin is heading down to Guatemala this weekend. Robin said goodbye to everyone since Howard seems to think she won't make it back. Robin said she has started a new foundation and she will be raising money for that. Robin said you can find out more at 15Foundation.org
Steve said that Big Foot has had a cyst removed from inside his anus. He's resting comfortably after surgery.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down what they were going to try and cover today.
Robin read a story about a man who married a pillow in Korea. Howard said that's just silly.
Robin read a story about a child who had a 5 inch tail removed. Howard said he'd like to have a tail. He thinks that Rush Limbaugh had one when he was born too. Robin said it's a one in a million thing with babies to be born with a tail.
Robin read a story about a 7 year old who called the cops when some armed robbers entered the family's home. Howard said if he was 7 he would have just sat there and laughed. Howard said his parents were too cheap to put a telephone in the bathroom. Robin had some audio of the kid calling 9-1-1 to play. In the clip the kid was telling the operator what was going on and having the kid tell her what was going on. Then the guys broke into the bathroom and got the kid off the phone. Robin said the guys were arrested when the cops showed up. Robin said that the kid got to meet the 9-1-1 operator yesterday.
Robin read some news about Corey Feldman commenting on Corey Haim's death. Howard wondered if they had ever worked things out between them. He said Corey came off kind of good on the show when he cut Haim off telling him he had to straighten up. Robin had some audio of Feldman talking about the death and saying that they don't know all of the details. They have to wait for the coroner's report to come out before they can comment on what killed him. Corey said they know he had a long drug history and he knows it better than anybody. Corey was also saying that Haim had been in the best frame of mind in the past year. He was taking care of his mother who is battling cancer.
Robin read a story about Cynthia Nixon calling out all of the people who are against gay rights. She put out a message saying that she's not able to marry the woman she's with and she believes that marriage equality is very important. Howard said he's with her but no one ever seems to fight about this kind of thing. He said no one will vote against party lines. He said it's stupid that gay people can't get married. Gary had a picture of Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend and she looked like Benjy. Howard said she's almost like a Chaz type. He said that chick really does look like a dude. Gary said he was looking at other pictures of her and she is very Chaz Bono-like. Howard said if he were a lesbian he would date hot chick types and not that type. Howard said this is where he isn't evolved when it comes to gay rights.
Howard read a live commercial after that story. Robin got back to her news and read some news about how they're trying to get salt banned from restaurants in New York. Howard said that you can't ban it completely.
Robin is taking Howard out to dinner tonight so Howard asked what he's going to be having. Robin said he'll have a lot of seafood. Robin said she asked the chef to do his very best for her Howie. Robin said that he may have to sneak in some salt though. Robin said she'll have a wine connoisseur there too. Howard said he doesn't want to talk to anyone but Robin. He said he's there for her, not for some wine guy. Robin said he's a good friend. Howard asked if there will be anyone there to answer questions about the silverware too. Howard said he doesn't want to sit there with a stranger. Robin said he's not a stranger, he's a friend. Howard said he hates going out with people he doesn't know. Howard said maybe they should have some other strangers there too. Robin just laughed.
Robin said this guy is Irish and he has the Irish Brogue. Howard gave her an ''Ugh'' when he heard that. Robin said that Howard will like this guy, he's a great guy. Howard said he hears what she's saying but he doesn't have dinner with his watch maker. Robin said that's not the point. She said this guy is a great guy. She said she loves this guy and he's one of her favorite human beings on earth.
Howard said Robin isn't always a good judge of character. Robin said Howard isn't either. Howard said that they're going to go out to dinner with this stranger tonight. Robin said there will be a lot of people there. Howard said he has to get a hold of this guy. Robin said that he's coming with Kerry who is a guy who was in the studio. Howard didn't seem to like that he was going to be hanging out with two strangers. Robin said Kerry is a wine guy too and he was on the show. They're both from Napa.
Howard said he wants to be at dinner with Robin, not with strangers. Robin said that she will be there. Howard was goofing on the Irish guy and doing his Irish accent coming up with what dinner might be like. Howard said he's not sure about this. Robin said they're gentlemen and she has spent a lot of time with them. Howard said he won't be able to chew with his mouth open tonight.
Fred is going to be at dinner too so Howard said he'll stick Fred with those guys. Howard said Fred knows stuff about wine so he'll have something to talk about. Howard and Fred did their Irish accents and Robin said she's glad that they're in a hotel and can't hear this.
Robin asked Howard what guys he can sit down and have a conversation with. Howard said Ross Zapin is one. Howard said that they talk but they talk about SIRIUS and stuff. Howard said they ask each other if they know what's going on there.
Howard said he talks to Don Buchwald at dinner. They don't do as much as they used to. He said Don is his kind of guy though. He said they tell each other everything. Howard said he shares with him and Don shares with him. Howard said Don is a friend and he holds him in high regard.
Gary asked Howard if he can talk to Ralph. Howard said they can talk too. Robin said she thought that was the first name that would come up.
Robin said that Ralph is getting very bizarre. She said he was supposed to come to dinner last night and he never showed up. She said he never said he wasn't coming and he's done that a few times. She said if she's in a group he fails to show up. He will show up if it's a one on one thing.
Robin got back to her news and said that they're saying that the devil may be in the Vatican because of all of the sex scandals that are going on.
Gary came in and said he got an email from TMZ asking which Nobu JD and Ashley are going to. Howard said they have to let them know. Howard said JD should tell them so they know where he's going to be. Gary said Tim asked if they should send Langford out there. Howard said they don't need that going on. He said that TMZ would be good because JD could be hounded by TMZ out there and it would make him look good. JD said he's not even sure which one he's going to.
Howard told JD that when the paparazzi starts taking pictures they'll ask him if he has anything to say. Howard told JD to just say ''Guys, I'm just focused on one thing tonight, my date.'' He said that he should introduce her and give them a brief statement saying he wants to be alone after that.
Gary said that they're going to ruin JD if they put him on TMZ. Howard said it doesn't matter what they do with the tape. They just need to have the coverage. Howard said that he should go to the West Hollywood Nobu. He told JD that there won't be anyone there to bother him. He's going to take care of it all with Richie Notar.
Ross Zapin came in and told Howard he tried really hard to get JD laid this weekend. He said he's setting him up with everything he'll need.
Howard told JD to pretend that he's TMZ and give him an answer when he asks what's going on. JD said he'd take one question and one question only. Howard told JD he's doomed. Howard said they may ask Ashley who the nerd is that she's with. JD said they'll probably respect him there but not when they get the video back to the TV show.
Howard said he can imagine what TMZ is going to do to JD. They're going to ask if there's going to be a Revenge of the Nerds 4. Howard said JD has to tell them that he's on his date and he's just focused on her. Howard told JD that he will give them everything they need back in New York but not there in L.A. while he's out on a date.
Howard asked TMZ not to show up at the West Hollywood Nobu tomorrow night. Howard congratulated JD on the date again and said he should take Ross' advice on what to do. Howard said they'll set him up at Nobu so he doesn't have good looking dudes around him.
Ross was willing to take JD out right now to get some new clothes. JD didn't want to go because he didn't want to pack heavy. Ross said he has 5 grand to spend so he could have it shipped out there overnight.
Howard told JD to play this right and let TMZ do their thing. Howard said he should get belligerent like Sean Penn. Robin said he doesn't have to go that far. Howard gave JD some more advice on what to say to them when they start questioning him.
Ross said if this doesn't work out with Ashley then maybe his stock will go up with other women. Howard didn't seem to think that was going to happen.
Howard pointed out JD's new hair cut and Ross said he looks like he came off the Inglorious Basterds set. JD said he had to get back to work. He ran out but Howard continued to do his JD voice talking to Ashley. Howard said he loves that JD is busy but Ross has time to shop.
Robin got back to her news and read more about the Vatican thing. She said that there is a guy saying that he knows there is evil in there and that's why there are so many sex scandals.
Robin read a story about Paul McCartney's son getting into music. Robin said he performed at a club in front of about 60 people and his father showed up. Paul danced along as his son performed.
Robin read about a new law in Utah that says that people who get illegal abortions can be charged with murder now.
Howard said it would be cool if the songs of the Beatles got together and formed a band. Fred said that they could do that and Sean Lennon could be their roadie.
Robin said they have opened a dwarf theme park in China. Howard said he's going. He said that wouldn't fly here in this country. Robin said they have little people performing at the park. She said that they opened the park to give jobs to little people. Howard said that's a bullshit thing. He said he's not helping by opening a Dwarfland. Robin said that the little people are doing what they expect them to do there. Howard said it sounds very racist or dwarfist to him. Howard said he's pissed they didn't think of that. Howard said they have Eric the Midget, Beetlejuice and the late Hank the Dwarf.
Robin said the Academy Awards have issued an apology for leaving Farrah Fawcett out of their tribute to people who died last year. Howard said of course they are. They fucked up.
Robin had some audio of Matt Damon talking about his new movie ''Green Zone.'' Howard had to cut that off after a few seconds. He got bored with that quickly. Robin had some audio of Forrest Whitaker talking about his new movie. She had some audio of an actress talking about working with Robert Pattinson on a movie. Howard didn't last through that one either.
Robin wrapped up and said she's off to Guatemala and she'd like people to honor her by going to her charity's web site 15Foundation.org. Howard ended the show right around 11:00am.
Jon ran down the list of stuff they were going to talk about today and started off with JD's date with Ashley. JD is flying out to California today and he's going to be going on the date tomorrow. Gary said that JD just seems to want the whole thing to just be over. He said it seems to be a burden to him.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks he will get laid. Gary said some of the guys have been talking and they think that he might be able to get something. They've also said he's done much worse.
Jon said JD doesn't get enough credit and he thinks that he'll be fine once he gets out there. Gary asked if he thinks that it's a story worth covering for TMZ. Jon said she's still an interesting name in the news. Gary said that as far as the press knows, this is her first date since the whole scandal.
Gary said he thinks it would be fun for JD to have people see him out on a date with a chick like Ashley. He said that his old high school buddies would see it and that would impress them.
JD came in so Gary asked him if the date makes it to TV, doesn't he think it would be awesome. JD said he doesn't talk to anyone from high school so he doesn't care. He said it all depends on how they portray him on the show. He said if they call him a dork and a nerd then it's not going to be cool.
JD said he doesn't have a lot of long time friends anyway. JD said he has friends there. Gary asked him who his best friend is. JD said it's probably his brother. Gary said that doesn't count, that's family. JD said he thinks of guys like Jon and Jason as his friends. He said his roommate is a good friend too.
Jon asked JD how his family is taking this. JD said he hasn't been talking to them about it much. He said his father texted him and told him to have a good time but that's about it.
Jon asked JD if he can handle this. JD said he will try to have fun and he'll be okay but he's under a microscope with the whole thing. Gary said it shouldn't be making him nervous. JD said that the flying thing is making him nervous and he's not even sure if he can get into first class like he wanted. He said the flight is already booked so he can't change it now.
Jon asked JD about his new hair cut and who it was that said it looked good. JD said the receptionist told him it looked good. Tracey said it looked good and Jim McClure said it looked good. Gary and Jon said they didn't say it looked good.
Jon asked JD about Ross helping him out with his date. JD said he's trying to help him. He said he's not like Ross though.
Gary said JD seems to get paralyzed when he gets overwhelmed with stuff. He asked if he has trouble making decisions. JD said he's good when it comes to work but with casual stuff it might be harder. He wasn't even able to decide if he was unable to decide.
Benjy asked if this is really Ashley's first date since the scandal. JD said he doesn't know. Jon said that she gave him the ''friends'' rap a few weeks ago so is he expecting to just be friends or something more. JD said he has a hint of optimism but he's not expecting much. JD said that she has had very rare contact this past week so he's not sure what's going on.
Jon took a call from a guy who said JD has to be delusional to think he has a shot with Ashley. He said that no one has a shot with her right now. The caller said that JD could approach this from a couple of directions. He said that they can let JD just live it up on the 5 grand. He said it's crazy to pretend that something is going to happen.
Jon said he thinks that JD has a shot. He said that if he takes her out and charms her then you never know. Jon said JD is going to put his best foot forward and see what happens. He said sometimes you play the friend card and something happens.
The caller told JD that he has to pay attention to what he's saying when he talks because he comes off as a dope when he talks. He said he has to work on that and he'd be able to make an improvement. JD said he isn't as nervous off the air as he is on. He said he's not trying to entertain when he's off the air but he does when he's on.
The caller told JD to just give it some effort and that would go a long way. Jon said that JD thinks too much about what he's saying and that's when he stumbles. He said the less he thinks about it the better he is. The caller said he hears what he's saying.
The guys got cut off for a few seconds. Jim said that the board had just reset itself. They lost the caller during that reset.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he has to disagree with the other caller. He said that JD has a shot and he should just relax and calm down a bit and he'll be fine. He said that Ashley is a cute girl and she's just an average girl. Gary said she's better than average. The caller said that she's an ex hooker too and he should just go get her. JD thanked him for that.
JD said that saying someone is an ex hooker isn't going to give him a better shot with her. He said that's like saying someone is an ex porn star. He said that isn't going to get him in there.
Gary said that Ashley isn't a super model but if she was in an office working everyone would be clamoring over her.
Jon played some of the show where Howard was goofing on JD. After that Jon asked JD if he was okay with that. JD said that it's fine. He said he hasn't gotten offended or anything.
Benjy asked JD if he'll be able to see her after this weekend if things work out. JD said he can't talk about it but Ashley is doing something that might make it hard to do that. JD said that wouldn't be forever. Gary said she might be looking for some work that would tie her up for a while. JD said that could be it.
A caller told JD to take her out to Santa Barbara instead of going to dinner in L.A. He said there are too many hot looking guys in L.A. He said in Santa Barbara they can go out wine tasting and things like that.
JD said that things are pretty set already so he can't go changing his plans now. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked if Gary knew about the new foundation that Robin started. Gary said he had no idea. He said that the guy who designed the site, or started it, is Brendan, the guy Robin brought to the Christmas party.
Jon took a call from Cyrus who said that Robin must be coming out with her announcement that she's screwing that guy because who goes into a charity with one other person if she's not screwing him. Gary said he's not sure about that. He said he's not going to go as far as Cyrus was saying but she must be very, very good friends or more. He said you have to be very friendly with that person to do something like that.
Jon asked about what Gary said to Yucko about calling him at 4:30 in the morning. Gary said when he was living at home with his parents they were getting calls from a guy at like 1 in the morning. He said it was waking them up and it was very annoying. Gary said that this was about 1986 or so. He said one day the guy called and he started talking to him. It turns out the guy was a fan of the show so he asked for his address. Gary got the number and the address and told the guy if he ever calls again he's going to call the cops on him.
Gary said he used to get up at like 3:40 in the morning so he called him for like a week straight to get back at him. Gary said he did that and never heard from the guy again.
Gary said there was a guy who was doing the same thing to them there so he got back in the same way. He said the guy said he didn't care but he knows he did. JD said he thinks that Yucko would welcome the calls from Gary.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he would like to see Gary having Yucko repeat after him or something. Gary said he wants out of the whole Yucko thing. He said that Yucko wasn't taking a shot at him today but he just wants him to email instead of text. Gary said he'd just like him to leave him alone.
The caller said that the pageant yesterday was phenomenal. Gary said that it really did work out and it was like their organization at its best. The caller said that's what makes the show great that they can draw in the press they way they did.
Gary said people there were thanking them for doing what they did. He said they were psyched about having the buzz around there that they had. They kind of put SIRIUS back on the map for the day.
Jon asked how the TV coverage was. Gary thought they were kind of rough on the girls but if they had listened to the whole thing then maybe they wouldn't have been.
Jon asked about the headphone incident. Gary said that he apologies to Howard for saying fuck you to him. He said that he didn't want him to hear that but he must have heard it through Fred's mic or something.
Gary said he wasn't sure what was going on with the headphones and he didn't know if it was turned off completely or just set low. Gary said that they can't leave it on high volume but they've done some things to make sure people can see where the volume switch is.
Gary said he tells every guest that he's going to put the headset on and the mic is on there and not to touch it. They end up touching it anyway. He said the system they have now is 100 percent better than what they had at K-Rock.
Jon asked Gary if he knew why Dice was so upset about Jason Alexander. Gary said he missed that part of the interview so he doesn't know. Benjy kind of understood it so he explained it to them. Gary said it sounds like Jason was just joking around. He said Jason is the nicest person around and he's just a good guy. He doesn't think that Jason would do anything like what Benjy had just said Dice was saying.
Jon said Dice seemed genuinely pissed off. Benjy said Dice seemed to think he was bragging in front of these people there. There was also something about this Donnie Clay character that Jason is doing that pissed Dice off. Gary said he doesn't get why he'd be upset about that either. Gary said maybe Dice thinks that he's mocking him or something.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he would like Gary to do him a favor and give him an autograph. Gary said that he'll do that. He'll set him up after his call.
The caller said that Dice isn't a good guest and he does the same act every time. He said he's not very clever and they should have Gilbert on instead of him. The guy said that he was too protective of his wife.
Gary said that it's all a matter of opinion because some people hate Gilbert too. He said that if they booked him they'd get complaints too.
Jon said that Dice was very protective of the wife and he was saying that right from the start. Gary said he thinks that Howard may have been trying to get into some reality and trying to find out what it was like to live with Dice but Dice didn't want to go there.
Benjy said he likes Dice as a guest on the show. He was saying he thinks that he's very comfortable with Howard now and there didn't seem to be any tension there. There was nothing between them either.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he won some Jay Leno tickets recently and he's going to see the show in Vegas and wondered if he should yell out some Baba Booey or something. Gary said he might get kicked out if he does that. He said if he keeps doing it then it wouldn't be right. The guy said he's going to go in and see how much he can stand and then start in on the Baba Booey. Gary said he doesn't advocate any of this. The caller said he wanted to talk about doing it off the air. Gary said they wouldn't want him doing it even then.
Another caller said he has reservations at Nobu tomorrow night and he thinks that it's kind of a hot spot and JD might be in trouble. He said JD needs to keep in mind that he's a lovable guy from the show but she's got to do a lot of damage control so she might go along with whatever he does.
Gary told JD that he should just barge through the TMZ guys and through any celebrities that are there. JD said he's not sure he should do that.
Jon asked JD if he ever thought about having Chris Rock call him on his cell phone like Sal did. Gary said they did that on 30 Rock recently with Bon Jovi.
Jon asked JD about coming home on Sunday and going back to work. JD said he's coming home on Saturday. He said he has to be back to work on Monday. Jon asked JD if he's going to enjoy himself. JD said he'll have to see. He thinks he'll be okay. He just knows he's going to get shit if he doesn't get anything out of this. Jon said that he's going to get shit no matter what. They had to end the show after that.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 11:00am.