|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
First up this morning was a segment when a woman found a penis in her sandwich and asked Howard for advice. Gary said they got legal advice from Dominic Barbara that day. This was from September 14, 1990.
In the clip Robin was reading a news story about a penis that was found in a sandwich at the Sands hotel. She read about the guy biting into the sandwich and finding the penis in there. Robin said the medical examiner was going to be looking into it to find out if it was human.
Robin was going to end her news and Howard was going to end the show but he ended up complaining about how they took Meg Griffin off after the show so he can't talk to her anymore. Howard said they had Tony Pig coming in instead.
Gary came in and said he had the woman who was the victim of the penis in the sandwich on the phone. Howard took that call. He spoke to the woman and her brother who was saying they were looking for legal advice on the whole thing. Howard said he would listen to the story and then give her some legal advice. Howard told the woman, who didn't give her name, that he would take the case on personally.
The woman said that she went to the cafeteria to eat lunch at 2 in the morning. She ordered a sloppy Joe sandwich and started to cut it up. The sandwich was open. She said it was too messy to pick up and eat. Howard said he was going to ask her all kinds of questions that might not have anything to do with the case. He asked if there were any testicles in the sandwich. She said there weren't.
The woman said she saw the penis laying there in the sandwich and she didn't get a chance to eat it. Howard asked her how big it was. She said it was maybe an inch. Howard asked if it was circumcised. She said it appeared to be. Robin asked if it was raw or cooked. She said it may have been cooked. She didn't know what to do and got sick when she saw it.
The woman said she pushed it off on the napkin and threw the rest of her food away. She wasn't able to eat after seeing that. Howard asked if she asked for a hot dog bun. She didn't. Robin asked if it was a smooth cut or a jagged cut. She said it was smooth.
Howard said they are saying that the penis could have been an animal penis. The woman said they weren't able to figure out what it was at the time. She said she took it downstairs to where she works as a cashier. Howard asked if maybe it was a prank of some kind. She didn't think that was the case. She said the penis looked too real to her so she brought it with her to her work area.
Howard asked the woman if she's unable to eat now. She said that she is having problems. She said that she's getting ill and isn't able to have sex now either. Howard found out she has a boyfriend and he might have to ''subpeenie'' him.
Howard asked the woman what the other people did there at work. She said they all thought it was a penis. She said the supervisors notified the head of security and they cut the penis open to see if it was rubber but they found a channel in there. She said the channel was the kind that would be inside a penis. Robin said she's never cut one open so she wouldn't know about a channel inside a penis.
Howard asked where the penis is now. The caller said that the Atlantic City Police have it now. Howard asked about who cut it in half. She said it was the head of security. She said he had to do that to make sure it was real before calling the police.
Howard asked the woman if she's eaten there since then. She said she has eaten but not meat. Howard told her to go to a doctor today and describe her problems to him about her eating disorder. Howard asked if the food ever squirted at her. She said that didn't happen.
Howard asked the woman if she's thinking of becoming a lesbian since this incident. She said she wasn't. Howard took her off the air for a moment and gave her some advice on that. Howard came back and said that she wishes to change her statement after that. Howard asked her again if she was thinking of being with women now. She changed her story and said yes.
Howard said he thinks that they have to hand this case over to Dominic Barbara so he can figure out what to do. Howard said he will work with Dominic on the case. He said he doesn't want the woman paying more than 10 percent of the settlement though. Howard said he may have to examine her first though. He told her to have an enema before visiting his offices.
Howard asked where Dominic was. Gary said they got him out of court and he'd be calling in any minute now. Howard said he will oversee the case and Dominic will take care of all of the details. Howard heard the woman's brother talking so he told her to tell him to shut up. Howard told her not to give him a dime either.
Howard asked the woman how old she was. She said she was 20. Howard asked if she ever found a dwarf's testicles in a box of Raisinettes. She laughed.
Dominic said he was in front of a jury when he was interrupted and heard that he had to call the show. Howard told him that they can all retire if they play this thing right. Howard told Dominic about what had happened. After hearing the story Dominic said she has an excellent case. Howard said he thinks she could get $100 million for this. Howard asked where the woman lives. She said that she lives in New Jersey. Dominic said that the Sands could get sued right out of New Jersey. He said that Howard could be the expert in the case based on the size of his penis. Howard asked if she should get in touch with him or not. Dominic was laughing but he said she should contact him. He asked how she would look in Playboy too. The woman said she didn't know.
Dominic was laughing talking about how she was always going to think of Sloppy Joes whenever she sees a penis. He was cracking himself up. Howard told him he needs to have the same problem so he'll stop eating.
Howard asked Dominic if she has a case. He said she should and they could probably go for a million dollars. He said that there was a similar case recently and it wasn't even a penis, it was just a testicle. He was joking and laughing his ass off over the whole thing. Howard let Dominic go and told the woman to hold on for a minute.
Howard got back to the caller and told her that he's the lawyer for her. Robin said he should be able to pull it together, he doesn't always laugh like that.
Howard said he once found a sandwich with a vagina in it. He then said that maybe he should dump that off the air.
Howard said he'd put the woman on hold and give her Dominic's number. He told her to keep in touch and let them know what's going on with the case. Howard said he once found a staple in his food at NBC. He said he didn't sue over that though. Howard said this woman has a real case. They wrapped up after that.
In that clip Howard was pointing out all of the cameras in the studio. He and Robin spent a minute talking about that and how annoying the show was going to be. Howard said that they had a lot of positives but also a bunch of negatives. They have to look good first thing in the morning. Howard said that means he has to bring in Ralph to do his make up every morning. Howard said he has to pick out his clothes at night too. Howard said he's a fashion disaster so Ralph has to help him out.
Howard said that should be a simple thing. He said he could call him the night before and let him know what to wear. He said Ralph didn't do that. He said he had to call him yesterday to remind him what he had to do. He said Ralph was going to call him later but he never got the call. He said Ralph claims he called though.
Ralph came in to go over all of this. Howard explained what was going on and how he could have called all day long. He said he has an assistant at his house that could have taken a message. Howard said Ralph waited until late in the date. Howard said he didn't get home until about 4 or 5 in the afternoon. He said Ralph asked if he could call later in this meek voice he pouts on. He said he thought that Ralph was going to call in 30 minutes or so. He said he never got the call.
Ralph asked if he could correct him. He said he called him back and asked if he wanted him to fax over what he wanted or to tell him over the phone. Ralph claims Howard said he was going to call him back. He said he never got that call. Howard cut him off and said that Ralph just wants contact with him and he wants to be at his side. Ralph said that's not true.
Howard went off on Ralph complaining about how he didn't call him back even though Ralph claimed he called him twice. Howard said he has other things to do and he can't just sit by the phone all night. He said he has like 3 hours to spend with the kids before he has to get to bed.
Howard told Ralph to call Laura if he can't get a hold of him. Howard said Ralph does nothing all day long. Ralph said he does lots of things all day. Howard said he's like his fourth child. He doesn't have a lot to do for him.
Howard had Ralph show the E! cameras the mess in his mouth. He said his face is more interesting than a miniature golf course. He said he's got that berry on his face and bad teeth.
Ralph said he was going to come to his house one day a week and set out all of his clothes. He said he didn't think he should have to do that for one outfit yesterday. Howard said he could have laid out the clothes for the next week and just come back next week. Howard said he has to write with the guys on Saturday so he's going to be locked in a room for the day. He doesn't want Ralph coming over on Saturday. He said he doesn't need to see him.
Howard sent Ralph away and said that he has a whole book with all of his outfits laid out and all Ralph has to do is pick out the right stuff. Howard said he may have to fire someone over this. He said he may have to fire Gary.
Gary came in and asked if they are going to have Ralph there all day long. Howard said he's going to be there the first week but after that he's out the door. Ralph said that he'll stay out of the way and if he gets in the way just let him know. Howard said he will end up in the way and he will annoy Gary. He said that there's no way for him to avoid that.
Howard said Ralph was already in the way and he was out of the light in there so he wasn't going to be on camera. Howard said he was done with both Ralph and Gary. He told them to get out of there. They went to break after that.
In the clip Howard was talking to George Carlin about a gig he had coming up there in the city. Howard talked about how he doesn't like being on stage like George does. Howard said he likes to be protected in the studio. He said he can hang up on his hecklers.
George told Howard he was going to be taping this event to air on TV at a future date. Howard asked if he would be on TV. George told him if he yells out ''cock sucker'' in the audience then maybe he'd get on. Howard said that he had to hit the dump on that.
Howard asked George about going on The Tonight Show and how it was working with Johnny Carson. George talked about that and how he liked doing that. Howard said he will do the Tonight Show when Johnny leaves.
Howard asked George if there are people in show business he doesn't get along with. George said there are groups of people that he doesn't get along with.
Howard said he remembers seeing George get on stage with cards in his hand so he'd know what to talk about. George told him that he was on coke in those days.
Howard said he saw that George was going over to talk to Regis this morning. He told him to say hi for him. He told him to give him a message of ''f-you.'' He also told him to give Kathie Lee a message and told her to stop putting her kids on the air. He said people don't care about that. George said he will tell Regis what he said but not the Kathie Lee stuff.
Howard told George he loves him and he has this connection with him and the 7 dirty words. He said that he likes having him on the show and being able to talk to him about this stuff. Howard told him about his problems with Kathie Lee.
Howard said that HBO is doing a live thing with George. George said he's done a bunch. He said that he isn't able to edit the show but they do tape it and then they can edit it. George said it's a good excitement when they do it live.
Howard said he saw George in a Barbara Streissand movie, The Prince of Tides. George said that was great. Howard said he was the best part of the movie. He didn't like the rest of the movie. Howard said it must have been hard for him to play that part. George said he got a lot of compliments on that part. Howard asked if he had to go out and become gay to prepare for the role. George said he just took one word, lonely, and thought about that the whole time he was doing the part.
Howard asked what it was like working with Barbara. George said it was great. He said he went in and asked for the part as a gay man. He said he had to audition in front of her and he did that as a gay character. He said it worked.
Howard said he could never do that in front of someone. He said he could never kiss anyone's ass. He said he knows that George wasn't kissing ass but that's what he'd feel like he was doing.
Howard said Nick Nolte mumbled through the whole movie. He didn't like that. Howard said Richard Simmons wanted to see the movie with him and now he's mad at him over that since he brought his wife instead.
Howard asked George who all of these people were who came in with him. George said he had a manager there. Howard asked that guy, Jerry, if he gets 25 percent of George's money. Jerry said he did but George said he was just kidding about that.
Howard asked Jerry some other questions about working with George and what that's like. Howard said this guy is tan and George looks frazzled so something is up there. He asked the guy what he did yesterday to help George. Jerry said they were working on the show George is going to be doing. He said they were honoring him at this radio and TV thing too.
George told Howard about how he got into some trouble years ago when he was using coke. He said he wasn't paying attention to the people running his affairs so he lost track of what was going on. He said they went overboard spending money. He said this guy Jerry came in and started managing him so he could get his career going again. He said he just paid off the IRS about a month ago and he's all paid up now. He said that's what Jerry helped him take care of.
Howard spoke to another guy that had come in with George. He has worked with Roseanne Barr so Howard talked to him about that for a minute. Howard said he's never seen anyone like Roseanne and Tom other than John Lennon and Yoko Ono.
Howard started to wrap up with George and George asked what time his daughter should listen to this out in L.A. Howard told him it would be on right at 8 A.M. out there. They wrapped up a short time later.
The Soprano's Big Pussy Comes In. 2/4/00. 7:05am
Vincent Pastore, who plays Big Pussy on HBO's ''The Sopranos'', came in this morning to talk to Howard and play Mike Walker's gossip game. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Vinnie before he got to the game. He found out that the name Big Pussy refers to Vinnie's character being a cat burglar in his younger years. Howard was really curious about that and he finally got his answer. Vinnie told Howard that he's been in quite a few movies including ''Hurricane'', ''The Jerky Boys'' and a few episodes of TV show ''Law and Order''. He also used to own a club called ''Crazy Horse'' from 1967 to 1987. Howard kept asking Vinnie if he was ever in the Mob. He said he never was and there are no mob members on ''The Sopranos''.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone so he played the gossip game. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard spent a little more time talking to Vinnie and his co-star Tony Serrico. I apologize for any misspellings in either of their names. Tony didn't seem that thrilled to talk to Howard. Howard kept asking questions about he Mafia and sex and Tony just didn't seem to deal very well with it. He lasted a few minutes before he got off the phone. Vinnie stuck around and Howard asked him about some stories he heard about him. He heard that he got in a fight with Matthew Broderick but that turned out to be a mistake. The story didn't happen the way it was written up. Then Howard brought up a story about how Vinnie had to punch out a musician who was staying at his house because the guy tried to grab his genitals while he was asleep. Vinnie just kind of laughed. He was asked if it was true and said ''I'm not saying no!'' It turns out that Vinnie used to have musicians stay at his apartment when they'd be performing at his club. This guy, who remained nameless, just happened to like ''sheep and me'' according to Vinnie. Howard asked Vinnie if the guy finished him off. Vinnie said no and that he's forgotten about the whole situation. Before Vinnie left he said that he really wants to get Beetlejuice to appear on ''The Sopranos''. He's going to try and get the writers to write him a part. He thinks it would be funny to see Beetlejuice come out holding a machine gun.
In the clip Robin was reading the story about David Lee Roth getting arrested for buying pot a park there in New York City. Howard told Gary to try and get Dave on the phone so they could ask him about that.
Gary came in and said he had tried to get him on the phone but he just got voice mail. He said Howard might have better luck getting him on the line if he calls live. Howard tried calling Dave himself. He got his voice mail and left a message saying he was on the air and wanted to talk. Dave picked up a few seconds later.
Howard asked Dave what was going on. Dave asked him what his take was on the whole thing. Howard said he wondered why Dave would try to get his own pot in the park instead of having someone else get it. Howard said he doesn't think Dave would spend 10 bucks at a time either. Dave said he doesn't smoke that much to begin with and he sees both arguments about the whole thing. He said he heard that it's just a $35 ticket. Howard said he heard it was more than that but not all that much.
Howard said it sounds like pot isn't that illegal if they just give you a ticket for buying it. Howard asked Dave what he was doing that day. Dave said he wasn't sure what was going to happen with the case so he's not sure he can make a joke out of it. He said maybe they should wait and see what happens and then talk about it some other time.
Howard said he heard good pot is like $400 an ounce so he must not have gotten much for 10 bucks. Dave wasn't saying exactly how much it was. Howard said that Sammy Hagar must be happy about this bust. He said he must be partying over the whole thing. Howard said he was listening to OU812 and it's really not a great album. He said Sammy ruined the songs. Dave said they had done a lot of those songs before he left the band so they were on demo tapes.
Howard said that Sammy threatened him after he heard he was saying he didn't think he was a great singer. He said the guy can't take any criticism.
Howard asked Dave what happened when he got caught buying the pot. Dave said he can't talk about all of that. He didn't want to take it lightly or make a joke out of it. Howard said it sounds like his lawyer got a hold of him. Dave said he ended up being there for a could of hours even though other people were out of there in less than a half hour. He said they were making a big deal out of it because of who they had caught.
Howard asked Dave if anyone came onto him when he was in the big house. Dave said they didn't do that. Howard asked Dave if people recognized him in there. Dave said it took a little while but they eventually did. He said it caused a little bit of a controversy.
Howard let Dave go a short time later. Howard said Gary was right that he would pick up if he called himself. Howard said it sounded like Dave may have been rolling a joint as they were talking. Howard said they could get a hold of Dave and really mess him up. He said he thinks he was playing it right saying he didn't want to make a joke about it. Howard said they got in some trouble when they joked about coke on the air one time. He said he had a DEA guy hear it and asked to get him in front of the grand jury. Robin said that was pretty scary.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about that call and the arrest. Jackie was saying that Dave might be like an old hippie who doesn't think that much about buying pot in Washington Square Park. Howard said Dave isn't a hippie and he's not old. Howard said Jackie is the old hippie. Then he said he's not even a hippie, he's just old.
In the clip Robin was reading a news story about David Koresh and what had gone on at his Waco compound. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about the case and how they were trying to find out if any of the bodies had gun shot wounds in them. They were talking about how the people were reduced to ash and the only thing that might be left is teeth. That led to Howard and the guys talking about how Gary's teeth would be easy to identify. They were joking that people could hide behind his teeth and live in a fire.
Howard was telling Gary he has big rubbery lips and teeth that stick out so he's easy to identify from a distance. Gary said he played the trumpet for a while but his teacher told him his lips were too big and he should try playing the tuba instead. He said that made him quit playing all together.
Howard was goofing on Gary's teeth saying they're so big he can't even close his lips over them. Howard said Gary eats around him and he has trouble closing his lips while he chews so they're stretched to the max so his ears start to move. Gary said that isn't true. He said he puts too much food in his mouth so that's why they're stretched so much.
Howard said Gary's teeth are the fakest he's ever seen. Gary said that's just not true. Howard said he wouldn't make that up. Howard asked who has worse looking teeth than him. Gary said that Cher does. Howard said that's a tie. He said her mouth is unbelievably funny too.
Howard continued to goof on Gary's teeth and Gary pointed out that his dentist had gone to jail at one point. Jackie joked that Gary had put his dentist in a different tax bracket with all of the business he gave him. Howard said he's seen Gary without his caps and he had big, green teeth. Howard said his mother took tetracycline and it discolored his teeth. Howard told Robin to imagine his teeth going in all different directions and being green. Gary said they were actually brown or yellow.
Howard imagined that when everyone dies on this planet someone will come here some day and find Gary's teeth and cockroaches. Jackie said they'll think that everyone here was 45 feet tall. Howard took that and ran with it and came up with more stories about what it would be like when they discover Gary's teeth. He said they'll have to figure out what he looked like and they'll talk about man being 45 feet tall with bad hygiene. Howard said they will talk about how they never discovered the tooth brush and stuff like that.
Howard went into his alien voice and talked about Gary as if he was discovered by them many years in the future. Howard said that they'll say that man was never able to close his mouth. He said that man needed the buddy system to close a mouth. He said man was never able to speak correctly with the giant teeth.
Miss Howard Stern's IQ Test. 02/12/04. 8:25am
Howard said that Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern'' was there and she's taken an IQ test. He said they always wanted to know what it was and she came in and agreed to take one. Howard said she was wearing big Elvis glasses. She said she wears them to hide from the world.
Andrea said she had to guess at a lot of the answers on the test. KC said that there were three parts and each one gave a half hour to complete. He said she left about 20 blank at one point in one section of the three. She didn't think she left that many blank though.
Howard asked her about the jewelry she was wearing this morning. She showed off some of the stuff she was wearing and the guys were wondering where she gets the money to pay for that stuff. She said she has money saved up that she uses. Andrea said that she hates dancing and won't do that anymore. She said that was the only time she's ever been depressed in her life. She said if you ever see her dancing again, she's hit rock bottom.
Howard moved on to Andrea's IQ test. He wanted to find out what her score was. Howard and Robin both said that they think it'll be an 80. There were 17 left blank in the math section according to KC. KC also said that Andrea's trip into the city was pretty tough. She came in yesterday afternoon and ended up in Queens instead of Manhattan.
Andrea said she doesn't trust anyone out there because so many people take advantage of her. Howard said that he would just bang her once and leave her. He was just being honest. Robin said that KC and Andrea would make a great couple. He said they look good together. They spent a short time on that before they actually got to the IQ test.
Howard and Gary talked about the IQ score and what an 80 would mean. Gary thought that a 90 would mean she's really dumb but an 80 would be like a monkey. Gary said he thinks she'll manage to get an 83. Gary was willing to put up a hundred bucks that she'd be over an 80. Robin said she thought she'd be under that number.
They kept getting sidetracked talking about Andrea's sex life and stuff like that. She said she hasn't had sex since she was 18. She's turning 21 next week. Howard said he heard that she likes someone but she didn't want to embarrass herself by talking about it. Howard was going to give her $500 if she told them who it was. She kept saying that she can't tell them. He upped it to $1000 but she kept saying she couldn't do it. She turned down the money.
Howard gave up on that and moved on to the IQ test. KC gave them the score and she came out with an IQ of 88. She's in the 21st percentile so 79 percent of the people taking the test would have scored better than her. Howard and the guys were blown away when they heard the score. KC said that just 5 right is an 81 IQ. Howard congratulated her on the big score and tried to wrap up the interview. They kept trying to find out who her crush was on. She kept saying that she didn't want to say who it was. Howard said that she had a crush on KC but she kept saying ''no'' and it was making her too nervous. Howard asked her to turn to him and say that she didn't have a crush on him. She said it was too embarrassing. Howard told KC to ask her out but even KC didn't want to do that.
Ronnie the Limo Driver brought Andrea's friend in because she knows who her crush is on. She wanted the $1000 to tell them. Andrea yelled at her friend Rachelle not to tell them. Andrea said that she'd be mad at her and wouldn't talk to her if she told. Andrea asked KC if he's really gay and why he tells the gay jokes all the time. He said that he's not gay and he tells the jokes because ''gay is funny.''
Howard ended up giving the friend the money because she did say that the person Andrea has the crush on was in the room at the time. Howard knew it was KC after that. Howard asked her what the big deal was and why she wasn't saying that she had a crush on him. She was too embarrassed to say anything though. Howard had KC stand there waiting for her to say something to him. Howard told her that she blew her chance so then she said that he ''is cute or whatever'' and that he has a good body. KC thanked her for that but told her that he's not into finding anyone at this point. Howard wrapped up the segment and went to commercial.
Howard had Al Sharpton come in to visit. He and Al spent a short time talking about where they grew up since Howard had gone to school in Roosevelt and the school board was just thrown over recently. Howard said he was one of three white people in the community at the time. Howard said people were being stabbed in the parking lot and things like that back then.
Howard told Al that he was the kid getting beat up on Martin Luther King day. Howard said his mother would make him go to school even though he warned her that he'd get beat up. Howard said he would rush home to get away from school and end up ripping his pants on the fence trying to hop over it.
Howard said Al has been protesting a bunch of things lately and asked him about some of that stuff. Howard said he seems to be looking to make trouble. Al said he isn't looking for trouble, they're trying to stop that trouble.
Howard wanted Al to do some preaching for him so he did his own for a minute and had Fred playing some church organ music behind him as he did his own preaching. Al wasn't doing anything though so Howard just kept going.
Howard talked to Al about his family life and said he read some stuff about how wild his father was. Robin gave Howard some of the details of that. Howard said it sounds like he would hate his father after hearing that stuff. Al said he doesn't hate anyone. Al told Howard he didn't freak out when he was a kid. He said that he didn't freak out until he got older and heard people like Howard.
Howard asked Al what he thinks about the OJ case. Al said that he thinks they didn't prove anything in court. He said they didn't have any evidence. Howard said he doesn't believe that. Howard was giving him details about that case and saying hat he believes that he is guilty. Howard asked Al who he admires more, OJ or Chris Darden. Al said neither of them are on his list.
Howard asked Al about his wife because he thinks she's a piece of ass. Howard asked Al what else he had to go out and do that day. Al said he had a bunch of shows to go on this morning.
Howard did some more preaching to Al. He did that for a minute and then got back to Al. Howard said he can't believe that he doesn't think that Chris Darden is a good man. Howard said the guy is honest to a fault. Howard said he's a man to be worshiped and idolized. Al said that may be. He said he didn't know much about him until this OJ case.
Howard asked Al about what's going on in his personal life. He asked about this new book he has out called ''Go and Tell Pharaoh.'' Howard said he's surprised that Al doesn't go to the afro with that hair of his. He keeps it brushed out straight. Howard said he saw it was going grey though.
Howard asked Al if he was so fat that he wasn't able to see his penis at some point. Al wasn't answering those questions. Al told Howard that he thinks this show is like therapy for him.
Howard said Al must love being in the spotlight. Al said he could be doing other things if that's all he wanted.
Howard talked to him about some of the other stuff in his book and mentioned that Al had said that his father had sex with his sister.
Howard wanted Al to preach but he wasn't going to do it. Howard said he wanted to hear what a good preacher would say. Howard said he and the guys would give him the back up ''Yes! Say it!'' stuff.
Howard took a call from Corky the Miss Howard Stern ex-husband. Corky said that he had been locked up by his wife and every other word in prison is the N-word. He said that it's turned confused black people into that word. Howard told the guy he's insane. Al said this show sure is the show for racial harmony.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked why it's okay for black people to have the soul train awards but not okay for white people to have their Academy Awards with just one black nominee. Al didn't really have an answer for that. Howard said he thinks that Al has some white features and he likes the way he looks. Al said Howard is not well.
Another caller said he saw a story about Al on the news and they found out that he had slept in a hotel after claiming he was sleeping out on the lawn for some protest. Al said he had a hotel room but he didn't stay in it. Al explained what was going on there that day. Howard said he doesn't think that sleeping outside is something black people like to do. He asked Al what the weather was like outside that night. Al said the wind chill was 4 below zero that night. The caller confirmed that it was very cold out that night.
Howard asked Al how long he's been married. Al said it was 15 years. Howard asked if he has sex every night. Al said he's not going to answer those questions.
Howard asked Al if he still talks to James Brown. Al said he does and he was the one who told him to come on the show this morning. He said that he will tell him what he thinks about that later on today.
Howard asked Al if any women tried to get in his sleeping bag that night. Al said they did not. Howard asked if he has groupies. Al said that there are some.
Howard finally got Al to do some preaching but he took over as Fred played the church music behind him. Howard talked about the picture of Al on the cover of his book. He said it looks like he had make up and hair done for the cover. Al claims that's not the case. He said they just did that photo shoot in his office. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking about fractured penises and how it's a real thing. Howard said he didn't know that it was something that could actually happen. Howard said that he had to thank Pat Cooper for coming in the day before. He did that quickly and got back to the broken penis thing.
Howard read about the broken penis thing and how some guys will self mutilate themselves. He read about other ways you can break it. There were many things listed in the article.
Howard said he was saying this stuff as a public service announcement. He showed one picture to Robin of a fractured penis. Howard told Jackie that's what his looks like normally. Fred had left the room because he didn't want to look at that stuff. Howard wondered where he goes every 5 minutes. He said he wants someone to trail him. Jackie said he goes to the bathroom constantly.
Fred came in and said he was looking for a Budweiser spot. Howard said he just wanted to know what he was up to.
Howard said he got a list in the mail of stuff guys put up there butts. He said that they must be gay guys but Robin said that he doesn't know that for sure. Howard said that's true, it could be straight guys. Howard said women never do that kind of thing. He said men are weird. He said you'd think that more gay guys would have broken penises too.
Howard read about some of the things that guys had up their asses. He read about a live, shaved, declawed gerbil, a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an axe handle, a zucchini, a plastic spatula, a coke bottle, a float ball, a carrot, antenna rod, light bulb, screw driver, 4 rubber balls, apple, onion, frozen pig's tail and a lot more. Robin said that some of that stuff was crazy. Howard read about a tool box they took out of someone's ass. He said this was all from a medical journal so it had to be true. It's not like it was coming from the National Enquirer.
Howard read more of the things that they've found in people's asses. Howard wondered who would think to shove these things in their butts. He said that it didn't make sense. Howard joked that they found Gary's old teeth and their old phone system in one guy. Howard joked that he'd like to try shoving some of those things in his ass. They wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking about how people have to take care of hemorrhoids. He said that you always end up smelling your hand when you use the cream on your ass. Jackie said he used to have his wife apply the cream. He said that was a true story.
Jackie said he would get up on all fours and have his wife do it for him. Jackie said he would be clean from taking a shower. Howard said that is a lovely woman who would do that for him. Howard said that stuff makes you gassy too. Jackie said you're greasy back there too so it's kind of weird.
Jackie said he had the hemorrhoids when he was drinking a lot in the 1980s. Howard said Jackie is like a horse when he goes to the bathroom. He said he goes to the bathroom an inordinate amount of times. Jackie said he eats a lot of fruit and tea so he has to go often. Howard said he has to go way too much.
Howard said Jackie's wife is a great wife to do that stuff she does for him. He said he's always drunk and she has to pout up with that.
In the clip Howard had actor Robert Vaughn come in to talk about his career. Howard knew him as ''The Man from U.N.C.L.E.'' Howard said he's still working. Robert said he does a lot of tuff and it's not all there in the States. He said he does stuff in Europe too. Howard said he has seen guys like that working and he never thinks that can be. He said he heard a story from Grandpa Al Lewis that he got paid $800,000 to do a movie down in New Zealand. He didn't believe it but Robert said that it's possible if his show has been playing all along down there.
Howard said he was offered a lead role in a movie and asked what kind of money he could be getting for something like that. Robert said that it all depends. Howard asked how long it takes to do a movie. Robert said that his roles have ranged from 5 days to 6 months.
Howard said he liked the yellow glasses that Robert was wearing. He wondered if they were the type that they advertise on TV. Robert said they were tinted and they get darker when you go outside. Howard had Jackie raise and lower the lights to see them work.
Howard asked if they were Ambervision glasses. Robert said they were some other brand that people wear when they ski. He couldn't remember the brand name. They turned out to be Ray Ban. Howard said that wasn't anything special.
Howard asked for some more advice on the movie thing and Robert was telling him that he should make sure he has gross participation in any movie he does. Howard said he would do that.
Howard went over Robert's history in movies and TV. He asked if he had a lot of women when he was younger Robert said that he did. He said he had died and gone to heaven when he got to Hollywood. He had actually had two women at once at some point.
Howard said he had David McCallum on the phone so he could reunite the two of them from their ''Man from U.N.C.L.E.'' days. Howard got him on the line a short time later. He talked to the two of them for a few more minutes about what they're up to and what it was like working together on the old TV series.
Howard talked to David about his wife and Robert told Howard how he met his wife at a photo shoot. Robert said he met her there that day and ended up marrying her.
Howard tried to find out which famous chicks the guys had in their lives but Robert said he was saving that kind of stuff for his book. David wasn't talking either.
Howard let David go after a little longer. He got back to Robert and asked him more about the women he was with. Robert talked a little bit about that but wasn't getting into too many details. Robert said some of the stories were kind of hazy. He said he'd take some women back to his house and that's what happened the time he was with the two women at once. Robert said this was like 30 years ago that it happened so he didn't remember everything that happened. Howard asked Robert about what he said to the girls but Robert didn't remember details like that. Howard said he was like Warren Beatty. Robert said he's like the closet Warren Beatty. He said that back then it was like heaven living in Hollywood.
Howard wondered what happened to his fun. Robin said Howard loves being miserable. Robert said that if AIDS had been around back then he wouldn't have had as much sex as he did. He said he would have had about 40 extra hours a week to do other things.
Howard asked Robert to go over the list of Academy Awards nominations with them. Robin read the list of movies that were nominated and they spent a short time talking about those. Howard and Robert ended up talking about the Kennedy Assassination and Robert was saying he believes there was a conspiracy. Howard said he doesn't believe it at all.
Robin read through some more nominees and they went over each of the categories and who they liked and didn't like.
Robin read through some news stories and Robert stuck around for that. They talked about a few of the stories that Robin brought up before wrapping up with him.
In the clip Howard was talking to Gary about this deaf comedienne Kathy Buckley. They spent a few minutes talking about her before she came in. Gary said he was out in the green room talking to her like he's an idiot. He was speaking really slow to make sure she understood what he was saying as she read his lips.
Howard had Gary bring Kathy in after that. Howard spent a few minutes talking to her about being deaf. Kathy said she doesn't know radio very well since she can't listen. Howard asked her a bunch of questions and she had no problem answering him as she read his lips.
Howard said he might have to hook Kathy up with Fred the Elephant Boy. He said she wouldn't be able to hear his voice. That would be good for Fred. Kathy doesn't date much so Howard asked her why that was. She said she hasn't had a man in about 3 and a half years. Howard asked what she does to take care of her needs. She said she doesn't do anything. She said she was molested as a child so she doesn't need that. Kathy said that she as molested as a child too so she has issues. Howard asked if that's what made her deaf. She said that not having sex is what made her deaf.
Kathy said that men don't ask her out. Howard said he would give her a role just because she's had a tough time. Howard said that Jackie isn't even as successful as Kathy is and she's deaf.
Howard and Robin talked to Kathy about cochlear implants and how they can give young kids something like that when they're born deaf. Kathy said that they have to kill off all of the nerves when they do that so it could prevent future hearing.
Howard talked to Kathy about her molestation and said that he was kind of molested when he was a kid but he had his pants on. He asked Kathy if she had her pants off. She said they were off. She wanted to drop that and move on to something else though. Howard said the guy who did it to him was a friend. He said it was too difficult for him to think about.
Howard asked Kathy about her molester and if she has worked through all of that. Kathy said she did and said that you have to work through your past to get to your future.
Howard told Kathy that his radio show is very different than other radio. He said that most radio makes people wish they were deaf. Howard said they will turn off their hearing psychologically so they don't have to hear it.
Howard started to talk like a deaf person to show how easy it was to fake it. Kathy said she wasn't able to hear it so she wasn't sure how good it was. Howard gave Kathy some advice about how to get a man. He said if she wants, he can do a dial-a-date and get her a man on the show. He gave her some advice on getting her own man if she doesn't want to do the date thing. He told her she must wear make up though. He told her that thing she has isn't a vagina anymore, it's a tomb.
Crackhead Bob and Elephant boy sing again. 8/16/96.
Yesterday these two were practicing their singing abilities. They recorded a couple of songs and Howard played them today. The first song was 'I got you babe', an old Sonny and Cher song. What a great song for them to do. Bob was barely understandable and Elephant Boy was screeching out his lines. They also did the mockingbird song like they did yesterday and this time it was all the way through the song. Both songs were hilarious. He also played the making of the song with Fred trying to tell Bob what to sing. What a funny day today was. Howard said that there will be videos shot for these two songs for E!. That should be even funnier! While Howard was playing this stuff an old friend of the show called in.. Quentin the stutterer! Quentin used to be on the show quite a bit until his wife told him to lay off for a while. Quentin and Elephant Boy did a really funny Christmas Carol story bit years ago that's still great today. Every Christmas it gets played during 'best of'. Howard was going to play it today but didn't get to it. Quentin wants to come back on the show to sing with Crackhead Bob and Elephant Boy. That should be another great bit.
Today's Mammary Lane show was over around 11:35am.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who asked how to get rid of genital crabs. Howard and Robin said that you use something called Quell. Jackie said you're supposed to shave half of your bush and then set fire to the other half and when they come running out you stab them with an ice pick.
Howard asked Jackie what he's really supposed to do. Jackie said that you use that pyrinate lotion stuff. The caller said he got them from some chick he got oral from. He claims he got crabs from that. Jackie said that they could have been in her eyebrows. Jackie said guys he knew used to tell him about that kind of stuff.
Howard asked the guy where he picked up the hooker. The caller told him where she he found her and how she wasn't the most attractive woman. Howard said many of them are men. The guy said he tried to put his hand down there with one woman and she told him no. He said that may have been a woman. Howard asked the guy about how he goes about asking for what she's going to do. The caller said he just asks how much and the girl never tells you because they want more from you. He said you say 20 bucks and they agree and then you go drive somewhere to do it.
The caller said he was hoping he didn't have to shave so his wife doesn't know what's going on. Howard said he heard that Ralph went to one and she told him he was taking too long. The caller said that you just have to offer them more money then.
Howard asked the guy if he wears a rubber. He said he doesn't. Howard asked if that freaks you out knowing that other guys had been in her mouth. The guy said you only think about it before and after, not during.
Howard asked the guy if he kissed this chick. He said he didn't kiss this one. That led to them asking him how often he goes to hookers. He said he does it every couple of weeks. He said he doesn't have much with his wife but she's been asking for it more lately.
Howard said he would keep the crabs and ask the wife if she's been cheating on him. Howard said maybe that would get her to have sex with him.
Gary came in and told Howard their guest was there. Howard said he was busy learning about crabs and whores. The caller said he's just a miserable attorney. Howard said an attorney should be getting laid. The guy said he has thought about it so hard but he has kids so he can't just leave. He said he'll wait until they're grown up and then he'll leave.
Howard talked to the guy about being an attorney and if he ever asks his wife for sex. He said he doesn't even want it from her these days. He said she's gotten fatter and it's not like he wants her. He said that it makes it harder listening to Howard's show with all of the girls. Howard said that he's never going to have what he has on radio so he should settle.
Howard said if the wife gave a damn she'd get into shape so he'd want her. Robin said she may have lost interest in him too.
Howard said if he shot his wife when they got married he'd be out of jail by now. Robin said that this guy's life must just suck and that's why he doesn't care.
Howard asked how long it takes to finish with a whore. The guy said it's just a couple of minutes. He told Howard about how he can give them more money to keep them in the car. He said he thinks he gave this chick like 30 bucks to keep her there. Howard asked if he's afraid of herpes and stuff. The caller said he is now but not at the time.
The caller asked Howard if he had tried that machine he got for his birthday. Howard said he hadn't tried it yet. The machine is called the Personal Comfort Machine. Howard said Gump tried it and it was great. Howard said he could start charging for it and have guys come in and try it. The caller said he would pay 40 bucks to try it. Howard said they'll have to buy the canister but that's going to be part of the cost. He told anyone who wants to come in and try it to give Gary a call in the office and set up an appointment.
Howard said they'll let people have 5 minutes with the machine. He said he should go back and try that thing but he's afraid someone is going to catch him. He said they're near FAO Schwartz and he sees people looking in his window sometimes. He said he doesn't trust his door lock either. Howard told the caller he had to get going after that. He said at least the guy was honest.
Teasers For Tomorrow's Show. 6/21/01. 9:45am
Vinnie Favale called in and started to tease us with Mariah Carey web site messages. He said he had a bunch to play tomorrow but Howard started to play a couple today. He played one where Mariah complains about her ''lambs'' (fans) bringing stuff for her to sign that isn't authorized. She asked them to bring stuff that's newer and something she'll like to sign. Howard then played another message where Mariah complains about the web site company editing her messages and a few other things. Mariah leaves these messages on her web site while she's on the road touring and they're funny to listen to. Howard was supposed to put this off until tomorrow but he was getting so far into it he just decided to continue it this morning... at 10 o'clock he was doing this. In one message Mariah complains about Howard making fun of her messages. Mariah even addresses Howard in one message because he did this a couple of months ago. He was wondering what these ''fan books'' were and she tells him in one of the messages. Howard finally stopped with the messages at 10:15 or so and said that Vinnie will be in tomorrow to continue it.
More Mariah Carey Clips. 6/25/01. 9:45am
Howard said he wasn't going to get into the Mariah Carey thing today but he did. He played a couple of the funny web site messages that Mariah leaves for her fans, which she calls ''lambs''. Mariah talks about not being able to figure out how to use her phone in one message. In another one she has her Spanish boyfriend talk to her fans in Spanish a little bit. They were sitting in her new apartment. She says it's sexy but Howard thinks she has him do it to show that she's into Spanish guys. Howard knows that he's going to be hearing from Mariah's people again about playing these tapes. He said that if they ask him how they can get him to stop, Gary is to tell them that Mariah has to have sex with him in her new apartment.
In the clip Howard was taking phone calls and a woman called in to tell him about a dream she had about Fred. She explained what the dream was and how they were in a pool together. She said Fred was playing guitar and he told her that he had been waiting for her. Howard asked what she was wearing in the dream and things like that. She said she may have been naked. Howard asked what he was playing on guitar. She wasn't sure. She said she woke up and the radio was on with Howard on so that's where it ended.
Howard said that's usually what goes on with Fred. He often has women around him while he plays guitar. That led to Howard talking to Fred about women he's had chase him on the show. Fred talked about that but didn't remember a lot of the details.
Howard asked the woman if her question was answered. She said she didn't have a question. Howard thanked her for the call and took some more. Another caller asked about some other stuff so Howard asked if he had any dreams about Fred. The guy played along with that and Howard goofed around with him for a short time.
Howard ended up asking Fred if he thinks that women know he's not circumcised. Howard said Fred has said he doesn't like the look of his privates. Robin said she prefers circumcised penises. Fred said that he doesn't like the look of any penis, not just his own.
Howard said the Jews circumcise guys because of their beliefs but he's not sure why they would push for that. Howard asked Fred why his parents didn't have him circumcised. Fred wasn't sure. Howard said it must be the Latvian background. Howard wondered if they should call his mom and ask. Fred said he's not sure she would appreciate that.
Howard said he thinks they should call Fred's mother because they haven't spoken to her in a long time. He got her number and gave her a call. Mrs. Norris picked up and Howard talked to her about the uncircumcised penis thing. Howard said he wasn't going to beat around the bush with this. He asked her why she didn't have that done to him. She paused and said ''What!?''
Howard and Robin asked Mrs. Norris if she thought about this at all when she had her son. She said that Fred is his own person and he's fine with it. Howard said Fred isn't happy about not being circumcised. Howard asked if they had thought about having it done when he was born. Fred said it was optional at the time. He said it was probably 10-20 years behind everyone else around that time.
Howard said it's healthier to have it cut off. Mrs. Norris said that he's a healthy young man as he is. She also said that she didn't remember the doctors asking her if she wanted it done.
Howard said he's shocked that she didn't want Fred to fit in with the other little boys. She said she didn't know about it back then so that's the result. Howard said maybe that's why Fred isn't married. He said that they got him a date. Howard said they're hoping to marry him off for her.
Howard asked Mrs. Norris if she heard about Fred's date. She said Fred told him what he wanted to tell her. Howard said he slept out the whole night. Mrs. Norris didn't seem to know that but Fred said she knew.
Howard got back to the circumcision thing and talked to her more about that. Mrs. Norris said that Fred is one of a kind. Howard said that's true. He said it's pretty wild that they didn't do this. He said it was good to talk to her though. He let her go a short time later. He said it didn't sound like she had her full accent in that call. Howard said she's talking like she's from England or something. They spent a few more minutes talking about that before wrapping up.
In the clip Howard was talking about how he likes to get on his computer in his basement and talk to women in the Prodigy chat rooms. He said he has he's trying to keep it in his pants by not going out and doing anything with anyone but he does talk on the computer and pretend that he has a life.
Howard said he was trolling around for women and he came across this Rubber Baby woman. He said that she told him that she's a piece of ass. He said that she didn't tell him that she had a cast on her leg but she told him how hot she was. Howard explained how he goes into the Howard Stern chat room and tells everyone who it is and then spends 20 minutes trying to convince them that it's really him. He said he's been kicked out of the chat a few times for some stuff he's said. He said people will squeal on him even though it's a chat room about him.
Howard said he knows he's had cyber sex with one guy. He said that you always wonder if the person is really a woman or not. He said he didn't know about the guy for at least a week. He said he knows who the guy is and he was a married man and he pretended to be his wife and that's a dirty, rotten trick. Howard said he'll actually call people now to make sure they're women.
Howard said that he got on Saturday night and this girl gave him the best sex he's ever had on the computer. He said she was talking really sexy and she was on fire. Howard said she says she's 33 and she wears bikinis and stuff all the time. Howard said she said that she looks like one of the girls on ''Friends'' which he hates. Howard complained about that show for a minute and said the girls should just spread their legs.
Howard said this girl called in yesterday and said she'd come in. Howard said that was a good sign. Robin said it wasn't easy getting her there. Howard said the last girl that came in looked like Rikki Lake and not like Terri Hatcher like she claimed she did.
Howard said he's anxious to see how this girl looks. Gary said she didn't appear to be wearing a bra this morning. Howard said he told her not to wear one. He told her to not wear panties too.
Gary brought in Rubber Baby from Prodigy. She came in and Howard said ''Oh come on...'' He said she's a house wife. Howard said she's in no thong. Howard said he's throwing Prodigy out the window. Howard said she's a pretty woman but she's no girl from Friends. Howard said she doesn't wear a bikini either. He said she has a belly. He said there's no way she wears a thong. She was also wearing panties.
Howard said he knew that they can't have Courtney Cox sitting in front of a computer all weekend. Rubber Baby said she knows how to talk it. She said that she has a C-cup after Howard asked. Howard said he was trying to think about her in a bikini and he knew that she wouldn't be in one. Rubber Baby said she never really wears one.
Howard said this girl was good at giving sex over the computer. Robin asked if he'll do it again. Howard said he would but then said maybe not. He said she's not bad. He said she's much better than the Rikki Lake looking chick. Robin said she's very attractive but not what she said she was. Howard said she's not a pig. He said she has a nice face. He asked if her nose was real. She said it was.
Howard said he had to take a break and think about this. He said he had to get used to it. Howard said she handles like 5 or 6 guys at a time on the chat site. He said that she claims that she still has sex with her husband too.
Howard said he expected a stripper this morning. He said she's got really dirty thoughts. Robin asked who she will go into a chat room with. She said that she discriminates about who she does it with. Howard said he found that she jumped right into it with him. She said she was pretty sure it was him so that's why she did.
Howard said Rubber Baby looks kind of like Jackie. He said she's like a female Jackie. Howard said he has to get used to this during the break.
After an edited out break Howard came back with Rubber Baby and Billy West. Billy was showing off for Rubber Baby by making some Jackie sounds. Howard said he got kind of excited when Billy came in the room. Howard said he thinks that she looks pretty good and he'd have sex with her. He said her legs look okay. She had a cast on her leg so it was tough for her to stand up over and over again.
Howard told Billy he should get a computer too. He said that no one would know he was 4 foot 6 on the computer. Howard said he can be like 6 feet tall on there. Rubber Baby said she'd have sex with him on there.
Jackie was saying that she's a six pack Sheila. Howard said that Jackie would do her in a flash. Jackie said she's very attractive. Howard said if she lost 20 pounds she'd be a knock out. He said maybe 15. Howard said she needs a little make up. He said he liked her hair though. Howard said he would have sex with her again on the computer.
Howard said he heard that his other girlfriend online, Firm and Tan, is a knock out too. Howard said he hopes she is. Robin laughed.
Howard said he actually took care of himself while Rubber Baby was talking to him. He said he was able to finish in about 3 sentences. He said she told him what she'd do to him and he was done.
Billy asked Howard if he saves these conversation and prints them out. Howard said he saves them and reads them every night. Rubber Baby said she saves some too. She didn't save Howard's conversations though. Howard said that she's really good at what she does and told Robin about some of the stuff she's told him.
Howard asked Rubber if she wanted to touch him at all. She said she did so Howard let her come over to him. She had to hop over on her cast. Howard asked her if she was expecting when she came over. Robin said that wasn't very nice. Howard said he wasn't sure if maybe she was in her first trimester or something.
Rubber Baby asked Howard to give her a tattoo. Howard didn't know what she was talking about so she had to explain she wanted one of the stick on tattoos. Howard told Ralph to bring some in so he could give her one. She wanted it on her chest so Howard had to stick it on there. Howard gave her the stick on tattoo and he got to touch her chest as she put it on. She said she was wet while he was putting it on.
Howard said that he's not sure if this ruined things for them or not. He said he thinks she looks good but he'd like her to work out a little bit. She said she has been sitting around for a month with her cast on. She said she gained like 10 pounds during that month. Howard told her to wait a month and tell him that she lost 20 pounds even if she didn't. She said she'll really lose it and come back when she has.
Howard wrapped up with Rubber Baby and she said hello to her many boyfriends that she has on the computer. Howard asked if her husband gets upset with that. She said he loves it because she gets all sexed up and does everything to him that she tells the guys she's doing on the computer. She said hello to a bunch of the guys she has cyber sex with. She said she has a lot of regulars. Howard said she should be ashamed of herself. She said she's not. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking about how he hopes that the NY Post goes out of business. He said that stupid rag that it is, it's about time. Howard said he won't even take it when they give it away for free.
Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about the paper and what was going on with them. That led to them talking about how they should be trying to get the paper's advertisers to advertise on the radio show.
Howard asked Robin if she was able to get a meeting with Tom Cheapasano (Chiusano) because he had asked her to help him out with something. Howard said he was busy in the office writing with the guys. Howard said they were going crazy in there. He said Jackie was tired by noon so they had to get out.
Robin said she came into the office and it smelled like someone cracked a rat. Howard said he did. He said he wolfs down those potatoes and he explodes from that. He said it's like he's moving his bowels right there in his pants.
Howard said they close the door in the office to write and people will just come walking in. He said Tom came in and he wanted to have a discussion so he's glad that Robin pulled him away. Howard said one of the owners of the station came by and opened the door and he had just farted. Robin said that she smelled it so the owner must have smelled it too. Howard said Jackie gets lamb on a stick, hot dogs and hoagies that he eats that also leads to more farting. Howard said Jackie eats that stuff even faster than he eats his potato.
Howard and Robin talked about the way he eats. He explained how he rips his food apart and makes it into little balls that he throws into his mouth. He said he hates eating in front of people because it's so embarrassing.
Howard said they watch a lot of porn and read porn magazines in the office too. He talked about a lot of the stuff they look at and how disgusting a lot of it is. There were some girls in one of the magazines that they know.
Howard went through some of the magazines and showed Robin some of the pictures. They had some women in ball gags and one woman in all rubber and vinyl. Robin said she looked like the Michelin man. Howard said the stuff they have in this magazine is much dirtier than any other porno mag.
Howard said he wasn't even sure how he got into that discussion. He said they all have their little rituals they do back in the office.
Robin got back to the discussion about the fart smell back there and how no one was acknowledging it. Howard said he can't believe she smelled that.
Fred mentioned that Jackie and Howard were sharing coke stories back there. Howard said that when they last left someone was in Peru scoring. They were just talking about people they knew who had done that stuff.
In the clip Howard was talking to Robin about the Long Island Railroad shootings. They spent a short time talking about if he was white or black. Howard said he was home showering last night and his sister came banging on the door while he was in the shower. He said he didn't want her to see him nude because that would be awful.
Howard said his sister told him what was going on with the LIRR shooting. She told him that the guy was yelling ''Baba Booey'' while he was shooting these people. It turns out someone got through on WABC and prank called them saying that the guy was saying ''Baba Booey'' as he shot the people.
Howard had the audio from the show where the guy made the prank call. In the call the guy claimed that he was on the train and he saw this guy shooting people and saying ''Baba Booey'' the whole time.
Howard said he got a call from a cop friend who said he was sure that this guy was screaming ''Baba Booey'' on the train but he figured it was just a fake call. Howard said he tuned in to see some other news reports on some other channels. He said he wanted to see if anyone had anything like that on their news. He said he figured Penny Crone would have a story like that. He said she didn't have that story. Howard said they had interviews on other channels and no one had any Baba Booey references. Howard said he called his cop friend back and told him that it was just the guy on ABC who said that. Howard said he told the guy it was ridiculous when he heard the stories that were coming out about it.
Howard said it was clearly their fan doing something stupid. Howard said he got a call from his father and he told him that it was just a fan and the woman claiming she heard ''Baba Booey'' was just responding to what she heard on that ABC news thing. Howard said his dad was going crazy because he felt that everyone was going to think that he really yelled Baba Booey. Howard said his father gets nuts over that.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had this guy Dexter (Actually Maury) on the phone who claimed to be the guy who made the call. Howard picked up and said that sounded like him. The guy said his family was cracking up when he made that call. He said that Bill Butel was fooled by it. He said it was a terrible story but he had to get that on the air for Howard.
Howard said he spoke to his dad about this and his father knew that the woman was just saying she may have heard Baba Booey but it wasn't a real thing. Howard said his father also told him that he shouldn't call Gary ''monkey'' anymore. Howard said he can call him Baba Booey but not ''monkey.'' He said that he doesn't even want Fred playing the ''Monkey'' clip anymore. Howard said his father thinks that it's really demeaning to do that. Howard said that's the whole idea.
Howard and Gary talked about the erection he had on stage the other day at the event they did. Gary said he was very embarrassed by that. Howard said he's going to get that on TV at some point.
Howard said that his parents were very upset about him calling Gary a monkey. He said he doesn't get why they're so upset about that and not all of the other names he calls him. Howard said he might have to call his father about it but he may not be up right now. He said they've been resting a lot more lately.
Howard said he came into work this morning and a camera crew were waiting for him. He said that A Current Affair were out there and Grillo told him to rush into the building. Howard said he would have talked to them but he wasn't ready to be on camera. He said they should have scheduled an appointment. Howard said he heard a guy yelling at him about the gunman yelling Baba Booey. Howard said he wanted to tell the guy he was insane but he just kept walking. Howard said they had video of his back as he was walking into the building.
Howard said he's going to talk to the audience before he talks to them. He said he'd have to be a jackass to talk to them before he goes on the air.
Howard said he has to get his dad on the phone to talk about why it's okay to call Gary ''Baba Booey'' but not Monkey. Gary said he's not sure why that is either but he doesn't mind the Baba Booey thing. He said he kind of likes it now.
Howard said he can't believe that all of these guys think that the Baba Booey thing is real. He replayed the call that Dexter made to WABC.
Howard said he heard that they're still running clips of that guy's call but cutting out the Baba Booey stuff. Howard said that it was a fake call and they're running it like it was real. Howard said they must be expecting him to give up radio over that whole thing. He said that call will probably follow him around the rest of his life. Howard said there are a lot of psychos running around out there. He said they have to put this shooter to death. He said they can't let him run around anymore.
In the clip Howard was introducing Jan Michael Vincent who was coming in to talk about a bunch of stuff. Howard said he had seen Jan in a bunch of movies. Jan said if he had died after 3 movies he'd be like James Dean. Howard asked Jan what happened to him because he looked like he was in an accident.
Jan said he came on the show because he likes him. Howard said that was a first. He said he's the only guy in Hollywood willing to admit that he likes him.
Jan asked Howard how he gets up so early every morning. Howard said he has to do that every morning. He said he isn't qualified to do anything else so he has no choice. Jan said he's too old to retrain too. Jan told Howard to guess how old he is. Howard said 73. Jan laughed at that. He said that was pretty cool. Jan was 50. Howard said he looks like he's 50.
Howard said Jan was in an accident so he asked what happened. Jan's eye was patched and the other one was swollen almost shut. Jan said he had a Harley in the back of his truck and he really loved that thing. He said he asked ''her'' if she had paid his pick up payments and she said sure. He didn't explain who ''she'' was though.
Howard said Jan had a truck and he had a motorcycle in it. Jan said he was going to the Love Ride with the bike in the back. Howard asked what that ride is. Jan tried to explain what this 1 percent patch was that he has. Howard said he thinks he knows what that is. He said that's the one percent of the nation that's up for Conan's job. Jan didn't get the joke. Howard tried to explain it to him but Jan seemed a bit out of it.
Jan told Howard he's there because he's a fan. He's not there for money or anything. Jan told him that his pickup truck got repossessed and that's where all of this started. Jan told Howard his wife was kicking him out of the house too.
Jan said he treasured that pickup truck that he had. He said it was a white Ford F150 and he had his Harley in the back of it and they took that with the truck when they repossessed it.
Howard didn't understand what was going on so he tried to figure it out. This guy David Creef was there with Jan so Howard asked him what was going on. David said that Jan was having a problem with his wife and he was in Malibu where his house is. He said he had a girl go through his windshield in an accident and luckily there won't be any lawsuits. Howard still didn't know what was going on. Jan said he wanted to keep his story straight. He told David he'll talk about this with him later.
Howard asked Jan if he's with his wife now. Jan didn't say yes or no, he said that she was 15 when she came around. He said that he's still out of the house and living with a friend. Howard said he was trying to figure out what's going on. David explained that they're talking but still not living together.
Howard asked Jan some more questions and Jan asked if he wanted to know how big his dick is. Howard had to take a break a short time later. He said he had to hit the button on him a couple of times for cursing. Howard said he was going to take a break and get back to him after that.
After an edited out break Howard came back and got back to Jan. Jan said that he doesn't talk about the girls he's been with. David told him to talk about Kim Bassinger. Jan said he doesn't like to kiss and tell. Howard told David to watch it or he'll get beaten by Jan. Howard said it sounds like Jan has had his fair share of women.
Jan talked about the two wives he's had. He has one kid with the first wife. The second wife wants kids but he's not going to talk about that. Jan said he decided not to talk about that story. He asked what his next question was. Howard said he's not sure he has one. He said he's running out of questions. Jan was cursing some more so Howard had to ask him to stop. He told him he has the FCC on him about that stuff. Howard said he has to move to another country just to interview this guy.
Howard asked David if he had sex with Jan's wife. David said he didn't but he did have it with his stomped kitty. He was joking about that. David said that Jan has been with his woman for almost 20 years. They had been married for 17 years. Jan cursed again so Howard had to cut him off again and ask him not to curse.
Howard asked if Jan wanted him to call his wife. Jan said he can do that. Howard got his number so he could make the call after he asked Jan some more about this weird situation he's in. Gary came in and said that he called the number but got a voice mail. He wasn't able to get her on the line. Jan told him to try again. He said that he has to call 3 or 4 times before he gets through to her.
Howard asked Jan what is going on and if they had cleared anything up. Robin said that they found out they had a fight over the truck but that's about it. Jan said that he went off with Willie Nelson too and she was upset with him over that. Jan said that's not the first mistake he's ever made though.
Jan tried explaining more of this story to Howard. He said he had his Harley in his pickup truck and he loves that truck almost as much as his dog. He said he loves the dog more than the truck but the truck more than the Harley and then his wife. Then he said he loves his wife more than anything.
Gary came back in and said he got the wife on the phone but she was pissed that they were calling her in the middle of the night. Jan said that sounds like nothing has changed. He said he loves his wife though.
Howard said he wouldn't be walking around like Jan if he had his face beat up like him. David told Howard that after the accident Jan worked on a film the next day with Dom Deluise. Howard asked how they did that. David said they wrote into the script that he had gone through a windshield. He said he performed with Dom a few days later and they did a great job. Jan said he had a fun time doing that scene and it may have been the best he's ever done.
David told Howard the doctor reattached his retina the day before they flew out there and the doctor told him his brain could explode from flying. Jan flew out there anyway. Howard said that's wild and he is a tough man.
Howard wrapped up with Jan and went over the stuff he thought they had learned. Howard said Jan is a strong man. He said he loves his wife and what they're reading in the tabloids must be false. Jan said he's not sure where they came up with that crap.
Jan told Howard that he never stomped a kitty either. He said he loves his dog and he would never stomp a kitty. Howard talked to him some more and said he has to come back sometime. He said they have a chemistry together. He told Jan he doesn't want to get on his wrong side. He said he hopes that they can hang out together sometime on the bikes.
Howard asked Jan if he ever made it with a guy. Jan said something about his cousin but he said he was just joking. Jan said he had a good time on the show and he was very excited to come on. Howard said he's sorry he lost his truck but he's still not sure how he got in the accident. Jan said he dropped some stuff on the floor and he leaned down to get it and he crashed. He said he didn't remember what happened. He said the last thing he remembers is waking up in a helicopter. Howard asked what happened to the rice and beans he spilled. Jan didn't remember.
Howard said he hopes Jan's face heals up. Jan just laughed. Howard said he's not sure what to say to a guy whose face is all busted up. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard had the guys bring in Ron Wood from the Rolling Stones. Ron came in with an entourage of people. Howard spoke to these guys and found out that he had a security guy in there with him. He also had a guy who co-wrote the album with Ron. Ron was also drinking a Guinness already at 9:30 in the morning.
Howard said that Ron talked to him on the phone one time and things went well. Ron said that his friend Larry Marcus says hello. Howard had no idea who that was. Ron also said this woman Marissa said it would be okay to do the show. Howard said this guy is having the life.
Howard asked Ron about being married since he was married before he was in the Rolling Stones. Howard got sidetracked and spoke to more of the guys who were in there with Ron.
Howard got back to Ron and asked what he has heard about the show that has made him uptight. Ron said he has never met him before. Howard said rock stars get pampered and everything pisses them off. He said everyone kisses their ass for no reason and they get spoiled by that. Ron said he loves that. Howard asked if his ass is sore from being kissed so much. Ron asked if he would like him to stand up so he can check.
Howard said Ron used to be with Rod Stewart and The Faces before he was in the Rolling Stones. He was also with Jeff Beck. Howard said he's been spoiled for a very long time.
Howard told Ron to be free on this show and not think about Mick Jagger. He said that he can tell them what he's really thinking. Howard asked Ron if he got paid like a second class citizen. Ron said that he did. Howard said that Ron replaced Brian Jones. He said that he thinks that he was murdered. Ron said he thinks he murdered himself.
Howard said the odds of making money in that business are small. He said that when someone like Billy Wyman stands there not doing much of anything gets paid more than Ron. Ron said that's not true. Howard said he thinks that Charlie Watts should dye his hair too.
Howard asked Ron about his first wife and how they met around the time they were in high school. Ron met up with the Rolling Stones and he caved in and started fooling around. Howard asked if he ever had two girls at one time. Ron asked Howard if he ever did. Howard said he was never that lucky.
Howard asked Ron if he knows that his wife loves him for who he is or for the fact that he's in the band. Ron said he knows just like Howard knows with his wife.
Howard said he interviewed his first wife Mandy one time. He said he wanted to talk to her about the Rolling Stones and she said she didn't want to talk about them. He said he didn't want to talk to her if she wasn't going to talk about it.
Howard asked Ron about sex with his wife and if he has live in help in the house. Ron said that they don't have anything like that. He said his wife is his live in help. They do have a maid though. Howard said if he were Ron he would leave his bank book on his table and just look at it every day to see how much money he makes.
Howard asked Ron who was harder to work with, Rod Stewart or Mick Jagger. Ron thought about it and said he can't answer that. Then he said that it might be Rod.
After an edited out break Howard pointed out that Ron was drinking a second beer. Howard said if he were Ron he'd take care of himself because he'd want to live as long as he could with the kind of money he has. Howard asked Ron if he liked Jeri Hall. Ron said she was fine. Howard said she's like the Yoko Ono of the band. Ron said she's really okay.
Howard talked about how relaxed the band looks when they're playing. Howard asked if the band are technically still together. Ron said they are.
Howard asked Ron about Paul McCartney. Ron said that guy has gone completely off the rails. He said that George Harrison is alright. Howard said Linda McCartney is a big talent. He was being sarcastic when he said that. Howard talked about how Ringo is more talented than Linda is. Ron said he's not sure about that.
Howard asked Ron what his wife would do if she found out he was with some of his groupies. He said that he doesn't have groupies these days. He said he can't do that with anyone and she'd put a stop to it.
Howard asked Ron if they banged everything that twitched when they were in The Faces. Ron said that they did but they were a bit selective.
Howard talked to Ron about his painting. Ron said he heard Howard paints too. Howard said he did. Howard said he had a painting he called ''Dan.'' Ron said he saw that Howard had done a storyboard for Fartman. Howard said he did have one. Howard said Ron was interested in the movie already. Howard said that's great that he had at least one guy interested. He said he might have a part in the movie for him. He asked if he can act. Ron said he can break like the wind, man.
Howard showed Ron the painting he did. It was a painting of his TV show producer Dan Foreman. Howard said he would give it to Ron if he wanted it. Ron said he would appreciate that. Howard gave it to him and said he would sign it for him too.
Howard asked where it's going to hang. Ron said he would hang it in his studio in Ireland. Howard said he should get Ron a picture of what Dan really looks like. Howard asked if he had seen his TV show. Ron said he has heard a lot of good things about it but hadn't seen it.
After another edited out break Howard talked to Ron about his kids for a few minutes. Ron was saying that he wants his kids to earn their money even though he has put some money aside for them. He said they don't know about that money. Howard asked if they drink stout at 9:30 in the morning. Ron said they don't but his father did.
Howard asked Ron to perform a song for them. Ron had a guitar but he hadn't prepared much. Howard told him it would be fine. Ron sang the song ''I'm Losing You'' with the guys he brought in. His singer Bernard sang as Ron was playing guitar.
After the song Ron said it was too early for this. Howard said they sounded great. Bernard said that his voice gets better as the day goes on. Howard told him this is the only time he can do it because this is the time he's on.
Howard had Ron play some other stuff for them too. Ron wasn't able to remember the songs so Fred had to help him remember. Howard wanted Fred to sing with Ron but Ron didn't remember how the song went. Fred had to remind him again. Fred sang ''Stay With Me'' a little bit. Ron thought Fred was doing a good job singing. Ron sang a little bit himself.
Howard told him to stop by anytime he's in the city. Howard said he had a good time talking to him today. Howard asked how much he smokes. Ron said it's about 2 packs a day. Howard asked if that cuts into his drinking. Ron said that's why he never properly lights them.
Robin asked Ron if he has ever gone to any meetings. He said he has. Ron said he has stopped everything else but not the drinking. He said he's stopped the drugs. Bernard said they didn't do any drugs when they did this album. He said they didn't even smoke pot. They just had a lot of Guinness.
Howard asked when the guys in the Stones got together. Ron said it was too early in the morning for that. Howard kept wrapping up with Ron but he kept coming up with more and more questions. He was asking about Ron's wife and what she wears in bed and things like that. They eventually ended the interview and let Ron go. Howard spent a few more minutes talking about how he'd be a great friend to have in the business. He said he'd be better than Dee Snider. Howard imagined what that would be like to have him come over to hang out. He said he needs someone like that and not Leslie West who isn't exactly burning up the charts. Robin said he could have been friends with Bon Jovi or someone from the band. Howard said that he would have to be friends with Jon and not someone from the periphery of the band.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:40am.
In the clip Howard was talking about a Yoko Ono box set that was coming out. He read the article to Robin and said that Rolling Stone is making a big deal out of this so they have to have some special relationship with her. He said they make it out to be some big deal. Howard wondered who the hell would buy a Yoko Ono box set. He asked Fred if he would buy one. Fred said not in this life time. Gary said he would take almost any CD but this is one he'd give away.
Gary told Howard he read that the Yoko stuff is all without John Lennon. She's trying to make it her own. Howard asked Fred if he had to take a break after that. He was going to do that but he wanted some IDs to play and Scott didn't have them ready yet. Howard asked Gary what Scott was doing all yesterday. Gary said Scott is there at 4 in the morning but he's not sure what he was working on. Robin said she thinks he reads the paper. She said he may smoke a cigarette too.
Scott came in so Howard asked what he did from 4 to 6 this morning. Scott said he was looking for the proper sound. Scott also said he was looking for a cigarette. Scott told him he was pulling some bits for them. Howard said he has plenty for him to do.
Gary grabbed Scott's hand and smelled smoke on it. Scott ran out so Howard called him back in. He wanted to ask him about the smoking.
Scott came back in and said that he didn't smoke this morning or yesterday. He said maybe it was something else. Jackie wanted to smell his hand too. Jackie said it kind of smells like cigarette smoke. Howard asked Scott if he's smoking. Scott said he isn't smoking. Howard asked if he has had one since that one he had as his last. Fred took a smell and thought it was smoke on his hand.
Howard told Scott to come clean. Scott denied smoking. Howard asked to smell his hand too. He said it was definitely a cigarette. Howard said Scott smoked. Scott said ''no comment'' after that. Howard asked if he smoked or not. Scott eventually broke down and said he did smoke yesterday. Howard said he had to have smoked this morning too. Scott said he didn't.
Howard said Scott smells of more than one cigarette. He said he had to have smoked that morning too. Scott said he had just one or two... packs. He was joking but he was denying that he smoked that day.
Howard asked when he smoked. Scott said he did that at home the day before. Howard asked if he got in trouble. Scott said his wife yelled at him. He said he's around the smoke all the time and he can't avoid it. Scott said they're going to try and get her to quit too.
Howard said when he quit smoking his wife quit at the same time. Howard said Scott is going to end up with cancer if he doesn't quit smoking. Scott said he's trying. Howard said maybe he wants to die. Scott said no to that.
Howard said he predicts that Scott will die very young and it will be a painful death. Howard said Scott is lying to them about all of this. He said he can't cut down because you always increase. He said what kills him is that Scott is lying about this and he's in denial.
Howard asked Scott why he's lying about this. Scott said it's under control and he's going to be fine. Howard said it's like Scott wants people to quit for him. Scott said he quit for 3 months and didn't smoke at all. Howard said that was just a break from smoking for a few months.
Howard asked Scott how many he smoked that day. Scott said it was one. He said he knew he came in there and smoked. He asked what the reason was. Scott said the van ride yesterday was just unbelievable. Howard said that van ride was the happiest day of his life and at least he was with people.
Howard asked Scott where he got the smokes from. Scott said he got them from his wife. Howard figured he just took like 5 and he carries them with him.
Howard and Jackie said that Scott is very good at one thing and that's smoking. Howard asked where the cigarettes were. Scott said they were in his bag. Howard said he should throw them away. Scott said he would do that. Howard asked if there's something going on in his life that's making him smoke. Scott said everything is fine.
Howard told Scott to bring the bag in there so they can help him destroy the cigarettes. Scott came back with a couple of them but he wasn't sure that was all of them. Howard told him to light one up and smoke in front of him. Scott said he wouldn't do that. Howard ripped up the cigarettes. He said he's sure they could fine a few more if they looked back in his office.
Howard asked Scott for the truth about how many he has smoked in the past two days. Scott said it was 2. Howard said it was at least 3 because Scott has admitted to that. Howard asked him how many it really has been. Scott said he had one today and one yesterday. Robin said he's sticking to that lie.
Howard didn't believe what Scott was telling him. He told him to get out of there. Howard said he doesn't mind that he's smoking, he minds that he's lying to him. He knows that Scott was either smoking or debating on smoking while he should have been working.
Howard's Heating System Still Causing Problems. 12/10/03. 6:00am
(Edited down) Howard said that Beth cooked for him last night and made him lemon chicken with beets, brussel sprouts and shallots. He said that's the first time she's cooked him a meal like that. He said he really liked it and it was a low fat meal. He said it was the best present he could ever get. Howard said that Robin once cooked for him as well. They talked about that for a short time and said that back then, Fred didn't eat shrimp. Fred woke up and said that he does eat shrimp and other sea food these days. Howard said Fred would eat hot dogs back then.
Howard said that KC told him recently that he can't find good food in Manhattan. Fred said that he told him that he can't get good pizza in the city but Howard said he was told it was food in general. He seems to think KC is nuts for saying that.
Robin thought the whole meal cooking thing that Beth did is a trap for Howard. She said ''That's what a wife will do.'' Howard said the fact that she's good looking, not annoying and cooks well is a bit of a trap. He also said ''Trista and Ryan, move over'' as he joked around about getting married. That led to him talking about Gwyneth Paltrow and how she's all over the news since she's pregnant now. Robin said that she was off of everyone's radar for a while but now she's all over the news.
Beth Setting The ''Engagement Chicken'' Trap. 12/10/03. 6:25am
Howard took a call from a woman who said she heard about this lemon chicken that Beth made for Howard. She said it was in Glamour magazine and it's called ''Engagement Chicken.'' Howard said that's pretty funny because he and Beth were sitting around the other day and she told him she was making the chicken with a recipe she found in Glamour magazine. Howard thought that was really funny and thanked the woman for calling in. Howard said that he was hugging and kissing her after the meal and it seems to really work.
King of all Blacks called in and told Howard to just get married already. He said that he's happy with her so he should just marry the girl already. Howard said that's not the right thing to do. He said if you're happy, why ruin it by getting married. Gary tried to get Beth on the line while Howard spoke to King of all Blacks. King told Howard about a problem he had with a contractor at one point. Howard told him he had enough problems of his own to worry about though.
Beth was on the line a short time later. She said she was trying to get some sleep because of the heating system noise. She fell asleep and then the phone rang. Howard told Beth how he was raving about the chicken meal she made last night. He said that Robin was saying that she was trying to set the trap for him and all. Beth said that she's humiliated over it but she knew it was going to come out. She said it definitely brings out the romance. Beth said that it really works and he's never been that way over a meal before. Howard was kissing her over the table and all. She wasn't expecting a proposal or anything although she did ask Howard if he was calling to propose when he brought up the whole thing.
Beth told him to just wait until next week. Howard told her he's going to make her ''Wait 20 years meatballs'' next week. Howard told her to make him some ''see you later meatloaf'' because he's so nuts over that meal. A listener called in and said he saw Beth out shopping for bridal dresses with Bianca (Howard's dog). He also asked Beth if she's going to wear a red dress and then called her a slut. Howard hung up on the guy and got back to the Engagement Chicken. Beth told Howard that she ripped the title of the recipe off the page so he wouldn't find it laying around.
Howard let Beth get back to sleep after that discussion. He said he knows that Beth doesn't want to get married. She said that they're very happy together right now. Double A called in and said that if things don't work out with Howard he'd take Beth in a heartbeat. Howard said that he'd accept ''Engagement Feces'' from her. King of all Blacks called in and asked Beth what she would think if Howard asked her to marry him. She said that she would say yes if he asked her. Howard said that he loves Beth but King told him that what he's doing isn't fair to her. He said he was comparing Beth to what happened in the past but Howard says he's not. Howard said he has issues with marriage and he was getting very uncomfortable with the whole conversation. King was saying that he might have to get a ring for his woman as well. Artie told him the only ring he should be getting is around his stomach.
Howard was getting upset when King of all Blacks was saying that he's going to get Beth a ring soon. He wanted to get away from that whole thing. Another caller said that the wedding would be bigger than Lady Di's if it happens. Another caller asked Beth if she'd be dating Howard if he was only making $40,000 a year. She claims she would but Robin said it doesn't matter because that's not the case.
Howard said that he'll be crapping out his Engagement Chicken later today. Beth wondered why he was ruining such a great thing by saying that. It turns out he told her that he could eat that meal every day of his life. He had to take a break a short time after that.
In the clip Gary was bringing in a mystery guest. Howard said the mystery guest was late and he was kind of bummed about that. Gary said the guest was too.
Howard and the guys all put on their blindfolds so they could play their Mystery Guest game. The guest came in and let out a cough. Howard figured out it was a guy. He said he thinks he ate salami for breakfast too. Fred smelled cologne. The mystery guest did an impression of Ethel Merman singing a Willie Nelson song.
Robin and Howard asked questions and when they got a yes answer they got to ask another question. Robin was guessing right so she kept asking her questions. Howard got to ask some questions too but he wasn't quite sure who it was either. Howard said he thinks he knows who it is. He tried to come up with the name of the band but he wasn't able to come up with it. Robin eventually guessed it was Sebastian Bach from Skid Row.
Howard said that's a pretty good guest. He said he's glad it wasn't a good looking woman. Howard said it was good to finally see him. Howard said that he had some new tattoos on him so he pointed those out.
Howard asked Sebastian how old he was when he first got laid. Sebastian said he was 13. Howard said he's got a nice look to him and he's no homosexual. Howard said he could be cuter than Carol Alt. Howard said he has a whole look going for him and he'd love to look like that.
Sebastian said Howard had a song by them ready to be played but he wasn't able to play it because the station has a formula. Howard said that's not true, he can play whatever he damn well pleases. Howard said he's like a rebel.
Howard asked Robin if she was into Sebastian and if she would spread her legs for him. Robin said that she thinks he's awesome but she's not sure about spreading her legs for him. Robin said she can't say she would do that. Howard said he thinks that her fingers were buried down below while she talked about that.
Howard asked Sebastian about getting married. Sebastian said this is a woman who Robin met and called a bimbo. Robin said she didn't do that.
Howard told Sebastian he should have brought his wife. He said she's home taping the show for him. Howard asked if he brings her out on the road with him. He said she comes out sometimes but not all the time. He said he can go months without seeing her.
Howard asked Sebastian about the time he called into the show with Axl Rose. Sebastian talked about that and said his wife was with him that night. Howard asked what he and Axl talk about. He said they talk about rock. Howard asked if they were wasted that day. Sebastian said they were pretty out of it.
Howard wanted to know what it was like to be a rock star. He asked Sebastian about what that's like. Sebastian said that they do have some fun. He said he has tried to get Axl and his girl to swap but that didn't work. He said Axl broke up with that girl so it didn't work out. He said Axl is now with Stephanie Seymour so he's trying to get that to happen. He thinks he's close to making it happen.
Sebastian told Howard about how he likes to run around his house and property naked. He said he had a deck built that lets them bone without anyone seeing them.
Howard asked Sebastian about the people he gets to hang out with. Sebastian told him about some of the people and how cool their houses are. They talked about Tommy Lee and Heather Locklear's place and how insane that is. Sebastian said they have a fireplace in every room of the house. They even have a fireplace in the hot tub.
Sebastian said he would like to get his wife with Heather. He said he's not sure how he'd feel about having Tommy with his wife though.
Sebastian asked Howard if he would ever run for office. Howard said he'd like to run for something some day. Howard asked Sebastian about being the lead singer for a band and if he ever has any voice problems. Sebastian said he's lucky and he doesn't have many problems.
Howard asked Sebastian about some of the tattoos he had on his arm. One of them said ''Youth Gone Wild'' and Howard didn't know that was one of their songs. Howard said you almost have to have tattoos when you're in a rock band.
Howard said that Sebastian was watching the MTV awards from home recently and he has to watch to keep up on what everyone else is up to. Howard said he thinks that he was the big attraction and everyone wanted to fight with him. Howard said Ice T wanted to fight with him. Howard said he doesn't dig the guy because of his cop killer thing. He said he said that on the air and Ice T got mad.
Howard asked Sebastian about the MTV awards and if he thought they were dull. Sebastian said he thinks they were pretty cool. He said he likes Nirvana's music but the preach about morals and the guy had a daughter who was born with a heroin addiction. He said that's just not right.
Howard asked Sebastian what his life is like. He wanted to know what he does when he's home. Howard said he must have made enough money to live comfortably. Sebastian said he is comfortable. He said they're going out on tour to Manilla and Japan soon. Sebastian said that he heard you can get a pretty good rim job down there in Manilla. Howard told him he can't say that on air. Sebastian said that wasn't a bad word. Howard said it is.
Howard asked Sebastian if he has a couple million in savings. Sebastian said he has some cake. Howard asked if he has F-you money. Sebastian said he does. He said that he could tell the record company to f-off if they wanted him to cut his hair or something.
Howard asked Sebastian about his girl and his kid. He wasn't sure about the age of the kid though. Howard and Robin goofed on him about that. Howard asked if Sebastian was his real name. He said it actually is. He said his parents were hippies and he was named after John Sebastian. Their dog was named Lennon and his sister's name is Dillon.
Howard asked Sebastian if he should call his wife. Sebastian gave him her number so he could do that. Howard had him dial the number himself. Howard helped him get that done. She picked up and Howard had to ask her to lower the radio. Howard said she sounded cute on the phone. She said she is. Howard asked her what she was wearing. She said she was in her bed naked. She wanted Sebastian to come back home and get into bed. Howard asked if she worships him and kisses every part of his body. She said she does.
Howard asked the wife if she was going to sleep with Stephanie Seymour first. She said Sebastian is going to rot in hell for bringing that up. Howard asked her if she likes to wear bras. She said she does and she has C-cups. Howard asked if they're implants. She gave Howard her measurements and Sebastian let out a yell saying you know that's right. Howard asked if she does everything to Sebastian and if she is a 3 input woman. She said she's an all input woman. Howard said ''Wow!'' to that.
Howard said it sounds like she's a horny little minx. Sebastian had her say that she's a horny little bitch. She didn't want to say that on air but did it anyway.
Howard asked about what kind of bathing suit she wears and things like that. She said she goes around in a thong.
Robin said she met Sebastian's sister and she looks a lot like him. Howard said he'd like to meet her. Howard said he'd like to see his sister with his wife. Sebastian said he has to stop with that. Sebastian got on Howard's megaphone and told him to shut the crap up.
Howard asked the wife how she met Sebastian. She said she met him in a bar and he wasn't a big star at the time. Robin said that she must have known he was going to be a star with that face he had. Howard asked Mrs. Bach if she had seen him. She said she has and said that he's very cute.
Howard asked Mrs. Bach if she really was naked in bed. She said she was. Howard asked if she was totally shaved down there. She wondered if anyone was listening. Sebastian said no one is listening to radio. Howard asked more about how they met. Mrs. Bach said that she was looking for him that night and she was hoping he'd be at the bar. She said she saw this girl in the bar and she thought that she had a birth mark on her back. Then the ''girl'' turned around and it turned out to be Sebastian. She said that he tried to get her into the bathroom to do her in there. Sebastian said he peed right in front of her that night. Howard said that's someone who is confident in his penis size.
Howard asked when they had sex for the first time. Sebastian said he didn't want to talk about that because it was the first time he prematurely ejaculated. Howard said he can't talk about that. He just wants to know when they were in the sack together for the first time. Mrs. Bach said it was about a month and a half before they did it.
Sebastian told Howard how that first time went. He said she told him to get into bed with her and he hopped in and he was hard as a rock. Then he got into bed and it just let go. He said that she wanted him so bad that she did that to him. He said he was embarrassed by the whole thing. He said he had ''spilled his Spam'' but Howard cut him off again and said he can't say that.
Howard asked Mrs. Bach if she wears outfits for him. She said she does that. Howard spent another minute on that and then let Mrs. Bach go.
Howard thanked Sebastian for coming in. Sebastian said he'd love to come on the show if they moved the air time. Howard told him to bring his wife in next time he comes in. He said he wants to see her in person. Howard told him to give him a call when they're in the area playing again. He said they were just there a few months ago performing. He said they'll put Howard on the stage.
Sebastian asked if he wanted to play a song together. Howard said he would do that. He had Fred give him a guitar. Howard got the guitar but it was out of tune. Howard played some ''Wild Thing'' and Sebastian sang. Howard's guitar playing was pretty bad. They continued on anyway. Howard said Gary was jealous watching that going on.
Howard said Fred can play better than him. Howard said he has to tune it up though. Howard said he could play much better than that but it was out of tune.
Howard said Sebastian is out of control and very hyper. He said he can't imagine spending a day with him. Fred was ready to play the guitar so Howard asked him to play something. Fred played some ''Heartbreak Hotel'' and Sebastian sang to that. Then he asked to sing some Beatles. Fred went into whatever song Sebastian threw out there for him. Howard said Fred is pretty amazing. Sebastian threw out Purple Haze and Fred played along with him. They also tried the Rolling Stones ''Angie.''
Howard wrapped up with Sebastian. He was saying goodbye to him and he was walking out with his buddy that he brought in with him. Howard said he wished he was as thin as Sebastian was. He asked if he works out. Sebastian said he just has a high metabolic rate. Howard noticed how big his penis was. Sebastian ended up pulling it out and showing it to them. Howard said if he had a penis like that he'd do the same thing he just did. Howard explained how he pulled down his pants and just flopped it out for them. Sebastian said he didn't do that and he didn't want his wife hearing that. Howard said he has some inches down there. He said Robin was downright giddy over there. He said she got whiplash when she saw that.
Gary said that was the funniest thing that anyone has ever done in the studio before. Howard let Sebastian go after that. Howard and the guys were talking about him when he came back in and said that he could tie it in a knot. Sebastian then demonstrated how he could do that. Jackie was laughing his ass off at that. Howard said he wasn't going to shake his hand after that. Howard said he just tied everything in a knot. He said he's never seen anything like that before.
Jackie said he thinks you can hear the flapping on the air when he whipped it out. He said they have to have Scott pull that clip to see if they can hear it.
Howard said he was supposed to have that kind of body. He said he thinks that Sebastian stole his body. Howard said that's what he'd call ''an appearance.'' He asked Robin if she wanted to wrap with anything. Robin said she couldn't follow that. Howard said that guy is a nut. Robin said he was a lot of fun though. Howard said if he had a weenie like that he'd be showing it everywhere.
Another Marriage Ruined. 07/19/05. 7:15am
Howard came back from break and said that Artie would be leaving early today to go shoot his movie. Artie said that's not the case though. He only needs one day, Friday, to leave early this week. He said he'll be working today in a scene where he plays a landscaper but it's supposed to be the must humid day of the year today. It's supposed to be really hot and humid. Howard said that it'll be funny to see him all fat and sweaty in the movie. (Edited out)
Artie Working With Ralph Macchio. 07/19/05. 7:40am
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Artie if it was true that Ralph Macchio is in his movie. Artie said he is in the movie and he's a great guy. Howard said that Ralph is really hitting rock bottom if that's the case. Artie said that Ralph is a big fan of the show and he wanted to be in the movie. Artie said that Nick Turturo was going to play the part in the movie but he had to back out to take a part that paid better. Ralph turned out to be perfect for the part so that's what he'll be doing. Artie said Ralph liked the script and wanted to do it.
Artie went on to tell a story about how he mistakenly told Ralph that Pat Morita had died after he thought he saw that on a scroll on CNN earlier in the day. Artie said Ralph was pretty close with him and there was no other notice of him dying. It turned out that Artie had seen the tail end of the scroll and it was someone else who was in the movie that passed away. Howard said he made a mistake back around 9/11. He was supposed to have a meeting with Sam Simon back then and Sam told him that Danny Devito was on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center. Howard said it really put a face on the tragedy and bummed him out. He went around all day telling people that Danny Devito had died. Then Sam called him a few hours later and told him that it wasn't true. Gary came in and said that he was one of the people that he called with the Danny Devito news. He said that he never met Danny but he was really sad when he heard the news. Gary said a couple of days went by and nothing was reported in the news. Artie said he really blew it because Ralph Macchio almost called Pat Morita's wife to talk to her about his death.
Artie said he's been trying to find out what kind of money Ralph got for doing the sequels to ''The Karate Kid.'' Howard told Artie that Ralph didn't do the third movie and remembered that Hillary Swank was in it. He spent a minute talking about the movie and how big her boobs were in that movie. Artie said he's been asking Ralph why he's doing this ''Beer League'' movie with him. Ralph apparently told him that he just likes acting. Artie said that right now, Ralph is probably waiting for him on the set of the movie which is a baseball field in New Jersey. Artie said that he's getting paid scale for the movie but that's because he's got a piece of the movie. They have Jim Breuer in the movie as well. Artie told Howard about some of the stuff Jim is doing in the movie. Jim Florentine is also going to be in the movie. Gary asked him if Sal and Richard are going to be in it as well. He said he can picture their names rolling up the screen now.
Artie told another story about Don Rickles doing a scene in ''Dirty Work'' where he couldn't remember his lines so they told him to do whatever he wanted. Rickles ended up goofing on Norm MacDonald as Norm MacDonald instead of his character name. Artie said that Norm laughed the whole time and they couldn't get a take where he wasn't laughing so you can see that in the movie. Don had to insult Artie in one scene as well and said ''Look at you, you baby gorilla.'' That got Howard laughing hysterically. Artie was laughing his ass off as well. He said that was the first thing he said to him in the movie. Rickles also said ''Hagen Daas called and said you ate them down to only 5 flavors'' which kept Artie laughing during that shoot. Howard said that he was wrong about the Karate Kid movies that he was talking about earlier. Ralph did do 3 of the movies and Hillary Swank was in the fourth one. He wanted to talk more about that but he had to take a break.
In the clip Howard was talking about KISS since Fred had played one of their songs as they were coming back. Stuttering John came in to talk about going to see KISS. He told Howard how funny it was. That led to them talking about smoking weed at the concert and how Howard has no desire to get high anymore.
Howard said the funniest thing out there in music is tribute bands. Howard said he remembers that there used to be a Beatles tribute band that did a play called BeatleMania. Howard said that the band always names themselves after a song that the band does. There were some Doors bands like that.
Howard said Gary went to see one of the concerts that a Doors tribute band did. Gary told Howard about what that was like. He said that the guy was acting like Jim Morrison at the start of the show. He was playing drunk and acting like Jim did. He had his shirt off and he was running around like he was loaded.
Steve Grillo came in and said that these guys act like they're the real guy. Gary said there are many tribute bands like that and they do it for band like the Doors, Bruce Springsteen and more.
Howard said Gary saw Crystal Ship perform. He said they were a Doors tribute band. Howard said he never liked The Doors. He said his father would bring home free albums and he'd throw them away.
Gary said when he was in college the Doors were huge. He said that they'd all go to see this tribute band because Jim Morrison was dead. Robin said the audience acts like they're seeing the real thing.
Howard said Gary saw the band perform and the lead singer climbed up into the rafters like Jim would do. Howard had Gary hold off on telling the story because he wanted to play some Doors music as he told the story. He had some trouble with the turntable though. He said the record was off balance so it wasn't working right. He eventually got the record to play but the arm was bouncing off. They got a quarter to put on the tone arm so it was weighed down.
Gary said he hears this music and realizes that he wasted 1982 and 1983 listening to that. Howard said they should get rid of the turntables in there. He said it's a waste.
Gary got back to his story and told Howard about how the guy climbed into the ceiling of the club and he went into a ceiling tile because the ceiling was open. He ended up getting up on the tiles and swinging over the crowd. Then he gets over the drum kit and the ceiling collapses. He said he fell into the drum kit and he got up in pain. Howard was laughing as he retold the story Gary just told.
Gary said the guy fell back first onto the drum kit. He said the guy was acting just like Jim Morrison would have in concert when he was wasted. Gary said they continued the show after setting the drums up again. Howard said that's so funny and he wishes that they had a tape of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Crystal Ship and they weren't bad. He said there's another tribute band who does something similar and the lead singer was a dick. He said that the guy said he didn't want pictures taken of him but he called himself ''Mr. Mojo.'' The caller said the guy broke his camera that night. He said he yelled at him and the guy said he didn't want to talk because he was in a trance.
Howard said he has to take Robin out to see one of these tribute bands sometime. Howard said it's great to watch. The caller told them more about that band he saw and he said there was only one nice guy in the band. He said that guy was the keyboard player.
Howard asked Gary who this Van Halen tribute band called Atomic Punks. Howard had some audio of them playing and the lead singer does the same kind of talk up for songs that Roth would do. Howard played that and he said the guy is kind of like David Lee Roth but not quite so he's even more annoying. Howard played a couple of clips of that band and laughed at the way the guy talked up the songs. Gary said he has video of this band so Howard said he has to watch that. Howard said they have to get them on the show too. They spent a couple more minutes in that before wrapping up.
Howard's Lady Diana Song Parodies. 9/10/97. 9:50am
Howard has been singing bits and pieces of his own tribute to Princess Diana for the past few days. Today he was trying out a bunch of different songs to see which one sounded the best. He's got words to go along with a couple of Beatles songs and a couple of Elton John songs.
Howard sang to the tune of ''Goodbye Yellow Brick Road'' and had lyrics about her crash. He also sang to a Beatles song but he gave up on that one after a short time. Robin said she liked ''She Left Us'' better so he sang that one instead. Howard said he had other ones to sing so he stopped that one.
Howard said he should try the actual ''Candle in the Wind.'' Howard asked Fred to play some more Elton John songs so he could sing along to those. He gave up and just went with the ''Candle in the Wind'' song instead. He had his own lyrics for that though. The lyrics were pretty graphic about her accident and death.
Robin said that ''She Left Us'' might be the best of the parodies. Howard agreed. She said there's a line there and he may have kept crossing it.
Some listeners were offended by the fact that Howard was doing this so they called in and complained. It seems to be mostly women who are doing the complaining. Howard says that he's not doing anything different than Elton John is doing. He can't sing like Elton John but that never stopped him before.
Howard ended up getting into an argument with one woman and she was telling him he was disgusting for singing songs like that. Howard said that this woman is disgusting because no one can live with her. Howard asked her when she last helped anyone. She said she's in the medical field so she helps people all the time. Howard figured that she empties bed pans. Howard asked what she does but she wasn't answering. She said she just called in to tell him she didn't like what he was doing.
Howard figured the woman was miserable and she didn't have a husband anymore. He asked her how many years she was married. The caller asked why he has to ask about that. Howard said he wants people to know what men have to put up with. Howard said there is no man that could live with this woman. He said she makes him sick.
Howard asked the woman how many vibrators she owns. She said she has about 100. Howard said this woman is like a man the way she talks. Howard asked what she weighs. She said that he's making a joke about all of this. Howard asked her how big her penis is. The caller said she weighed 110 pounds but Howard figured it was 190. Howard said she only wishes she could have sex with him. He told her to go drive into a cement piling and hung up on her.
Howard said he had some more songs to sing. He had Fred playing music beds for him to sing along to. He had one after another that he quickly went through. They were all tributes to Princess Diana. Robin said she liked some of the songs. Howard said he lost confidence in some of them. Howard said he may just go with ''She Loves You.'' He sang that one again.
Howard took another call from an angry woman. She told Howard that the songs are disgusting. She said that he's ripping apart what happened and he should go pick on someone else. Howard said he wasn't picking on her, he was singing about what happened. The woman said that's not what you do when you do a tribute song. Howard told her she was a creep. Howard asked what it was that was so bad. Robin said they write about this in the paper every day and no one is complaining. Howard said he didn't make anything up or say she was a bad woman. He said he's just singing the facts. He figured that maybe the song was too up tempo. He said he might have to do a sad one instead.
Howard talked about doing one to the tune of ''Another One Bites The Dust.'' Howard didn't have that one prepared though. He told Fred to give him ''Goodbye Yellow Brick Road'' again. Howard sang his version of that song again.
Howard took another call from an angry woman who didn't like the songs. She said she has never listened to the show before and she's hearing these songs and can't believe what she's hearing. She told Howard it's an all time low. She said she's giving the media an even worse name than they had. The caller said that the news media is in big enough trouble and he's screwing it up for them even more. Howard told the woman he's trying to write a nice song. He told her to get the crap out of her ears and listen to what he's doing. He told her she was a filthy, slimy, whore. She told Howard that it's defamation of character and he can't do that. Howard said no one knows who she is. He told her to go get a lawyer. She said she is a lawyer. Howard asked her where she went to school. She said that was none of his business. Howard told her that she's a skunk and he hopes her kids listen so they know what a skunk she really is. She ended up hanging up on him. Howard said that's a human skunk right there. He said she only wishes she could come up with a song like he has.
Howard sang his ''Candle in the Wind'' tribute song again. He played Elton John's version of the song and said he wasn't even able to understand what he was singing.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she's sick of these bitches calling the station and complaining. She said they should just change the station. She told Howard he's great. Another woman said that she's tired of the other women complaining too. Howard said he might need a break after all of that.
In the clip Robin was reading a story about some parents who locked their daughter in a closet for 10 years. Howard said he heard her best friend is a coat hanger. They ended up having some fun talking about that story. Billy West was in the studio doing an impression of what that would sound like. Howard was doing the same and joking about how she was sick of counting shoes and wanted out of the closet.
Howard was cracking jokes and had Stuttering John laughing his ass off. Howard had the girl asking what the parents were doing and asking who was going to change the moth balls in the closet. Robin was reading more details of the story and that would get Howard on more of a roll. Howard had her asking if she could live in a bathroom now that her parents are in jail. They continued with that for a couple of minutes before they had to go to break.
Benjy Screams Out Against Violence. 07/23/04. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: Beetlejuice attempts to spell the word ''Red'' unsuccessfully, Staind performs ''So Far Away'' live in the studio.
Howard started off saying that they had a pretty busy show today. He then brought up this event that was held the other day in Central Park that Benjy went to. Benjy still has no voice because of it because it was a screaming against violence event. You're supposed to go up and scream for 15 seconds if you are against violence in any way. He explained how you scream for 15 seconds and then keep silent for 15 more. Howard wasn't sure who came up with something like this but Benjy went over there and screamed for the full 30 seconds instead of staying quiet for 15. Benjy annoyed people so much that Doug from E! says he'll never go to another event with him again. Doug told Howard that he's super annoying and out of control.
Artie pointed out that Benjy always fixes his hair when he gets on camera for some reason. Benjy whispered that it really bothers him that it looks that way. That led to Howard and Doug goofing on him for a couple of seconds. Howard then played the audio they had from the event. The whole crowd yelled at the top of their lungs for 15 seconds and then stopped... but Benjy continued to yell ''I hate violence'' at the top of his lungs for the other 15 seconds. Howard said some of the hippies there were encouraging him to keep going because he was so passionate. A reporter then went over to him and asked him how he was feeling. Benjy responded to that and then started yelling out even more. He jumped up on the stage and started to make a speech to the crowd.
Benjy was telling the crowd that they were all showing that they still gave a damn about stopping violence. The crowd was with him for a few seconds but he quickly turned them against him. Howard said when you see the video the woman who organized this thing had a look on her face like she thought he had the crowd on his side but she didn't know who he was. Benjy then starts talking about getting erect and how he's small when he's flaccid but large when he's erect. The crowd quickly turned against him and booed him. Benjy knew he'd gone too far by that point.
Benjy was asked to leave the stage but he continued to yell to the crowd about the war in Iraq. No one was responding to him at that point. There were just people trying to remove him from the stage. Benjy continued to yell about the War but people from the crowd were yelling at him to go away. Then people started to run away from Benjy and the crowd, of about 50 people, just scattered. Benjy continued to yell while a calm man told him that this was not what they were all about.
It wasn't over at that point. Doug said that was only about 10 percent of what happened. Benjy continued to yell about his insecurity with his penis while the event organizer was being interviewed about what had happened. The guy was explaining what his dream was for this event. Benjy was asking the crowd if there were any questions for him. People were yelling out to him to stop yelling because he was interrupting the interviews that were going on. Doug said that Benjy threatened to hold his breath if they didn't stay with him. Benjy asked one of the organizers if he was with him and the guy told him not to talk to him.
Doug said he separated himself from the whole thing so he wouldn't be involved with the whole thing. Doug said they sent down one of their PA's for the first time so he had no idea what was going on. Benjy told the organizer that he was going to go up on stage and hold his breath until they paid attention to him. The organizer told him to shut his ''F***ing'' mouth while he did the interview. Doug said he thought Benjy was going to pass out on stage while he was holding his breath. The peaceful crowd threatened to get the police to remove him so Benjy mentioned that the cops are the people who beat Rodney King.
Doug told Howard that after that Benjy stopped and grabbed a basketball from a couple of black guys who were playing ball. The guys who were playing were deaf and didn't know what to say when Benjy ended up picking one of them up. There was even more stuff going on after that. Doug said that Benjy kissed one of the black guys as well. Howard cut him off and let some phone callers through to talk about this. One guy said Benjy sounded kind of insane after all of that.
Doug explained how Benjy stopped to look at a dog and a few seconds later he was on all fours sniffing the dog's ass. Doug said they have all of this on video. Howard asked Benjy why he did that. Benjy just responded with ''I was against violence.'' Doug said the dog ran away after Benjy rolled on his back and sniffed his ass. Doug said he told Benjy to stop doing what he was doing at the rally but he just wouldn't do it. He asked the camera guy to break off from him so he would calm down. Benjy ended up getting into an argument with a homeless guy and pushed the camera man and Doug into his girlfriend. Howard figured he must have been showing off to her if that's what happened.
Doug told Howard how Benjy bought a shirt before going to this event. He got it all sweaty and covered with dog hair and went back to return the shirt about an hour after he bought it. They couldn't bring the camera into the store but Benjy tried to return it. Doug said the people there looked like they wanted to kill him. He also said that the guy is funny and he never stops with his goofy behavior. He is out of control. Doug says he thinks he's funnier than the Jackass guys and Tom Green.
Benjy said that the group is meeting every month and he may try to go to another one next month. A few callers, including Joey Boots, told Howard that this was funny stuff. Joey said that he was laughing his ass off over all of this and he used to hate Benjy. He told Howard to keep a camera on him all the time and just let him go out on the street and mess with people.
Howard played Benjy's intense screaming again after that. Joey Boots told him that he has to have him go down to the Republican National Convention to mess with some of those people. The guys said he'd probably get shot if he did something like that. Howard went to commercial break right after that.
In the clip Robin as reading a news story about a couple that got stuck in their car after taking a wrong turn up in mountains. they got covered with snow so no one knew they were in the car. They were in the car for two months and the woman kept a diary the whole time. They eventually died. Robin said they starved to death. Howard wondered what took so long for them to die. Robin said it was actually 19 days, not 2 months.
Robin said they were stuck in 10 feet of snow. Howard said they could have tunneled out and eaten the snow. Robin said they were using the motor to keep warm for a while. The woman was 68 and the man was 75.
Robin read some of the diary notes she had in the story. The woman was talking about her faith in god. Howard said that they were two nuts because God didn't save them. Robin said they had gum, Tic Tacs and Rolaids. Howard said that sounds like what Fred has in his bag.
Howard imagined what it might have been like to be in there. He talked about how he'd split the food up and how the woman would lick the ash tray once the husband died. The woman had written about the death of her husband so Howard talked about what she might have said about that.
Howard would turn on echo and do the woman's voice when Robin was talking about that story and other stories. Robin read some more stories about Jon Bon Jovi movie to California and Stevie Wonder judging a beauty pageant by touching women. Howard was still doing his woman trapped in a snow storm voice. He'd comment on the stories as if he were the woman hearing the news.
Howard continued to goof on every story Robin would bring up. He was also talking about how the woman got sick of wiping with floor mats and things like that.
Robin had some audio of Stevie Wonder talking about writing a song for Spike Lee's movie ''Jungle Fever'' and that led to Howard talking about how that woman who died in the snow storm is lucky she won't ever have to see another Spike Lee movie. Howard was doing the voice of the woman talking about that. He had her commenting on that and on how she was thinking of the spare tire as a big, glazed donut.
Robin read that they found that latex is dangerous. She didn't have the story there to read though. Howard told her to save it for the next day. He started to wrap up the show but he went back into his frozen woman character and talked about how they'll never get to see one of Jackie's shows. Howard was about to end the show but they were playing The Who ''Let My Love Open The Door'' and he hates that song. He said he wanted to play something he liked. Howard told Program Director Mark Chernof to come in there. Howard ended up talking about the frozen woman again saying that she wishes that her husband would open the door.
Howard kept the show going as that woman. They eventually found some songs to play that he liked. Fred gave him a choice and Howard picked a Beatles song to end the show. He was still relating every song and story to the elderly couple in the car.
Today's Mammary Lane show was over around 10:45am.
Hank The Drunken Dwarf Comes In. 8/15/97. 6:50am
Remember Hank? He's the dwarf who came in and got dressed up in a Superman outfit last year. He went out on a date with a woman and wore the Superman outfit on a carriage ride around Central Park. Today he came in so Howard could put him in a box out on the street. Before they got to that Howard talked to a 15 year old kid who got laid by his 25 year old math tutor. Then another dwarf called in to yell at Hank and tell him that he's giving dwarfs a bad name. Hank cursed and yelled at the guy. He may be the first person to say ''asshole'' more than once without having the delay button hit. Around 8:05 this morning Hank was in a steamer trunk yelling at people to get him out of the trunk. They did this with the late Doug Bady a couple of years ago. Hank tried it for a little while but he said he's claustrophobic so he had to get out. A bunch of people walked right by the trunk and looked at it when Hank yelled. No one helped. That was it for Hank. He ruined the bit so Howard didn't have him back into the studio for the rest of the day.
In the clip Howard was talking to the doctor who was going to give Robin her colonic over the weekend. Howard talked about how unnatural it is for people to do things like this. Howard said it's not normal but both Robin and the doctor, Ann, said it was perfectly natural.
Robin and Ann talked about the stuff they see come out of people when they get flushed out. Ann claims that they see things that people haven't eaten for weeks or even years. She said that one time they saw a toy come out that the person had eaten when they were a child.
Howard wanted the soiled water that came out of Robin but Ann didn't think that was going to happen. Howard asked if they give colonics to men. Ann said she does and she is the one who does it. Howard asked Ann how old she is but she wasn't answering. Howard said she sticks things up people's butts but she won't talk about how old she is.
Howard asked Ann about how she got started in this. Ann said she used to suffer from being tired all the time and she started doing this and got over it. Robin said she's heard that from other people as well.
Howard asked Robin about what she pulled out of herself when she had her colonic. Robin said not much came out that first time she did it. Howard said he can't imagine people making a fuss over her poopie. He said Robin likes to have her poopie evaluated. Robin said that's not true. She said she doesn't care if they say anything or not. She said that it's odd that the doctor finds it so interesting.
Howard asked Robin what she saw coming out when she did her colonic. Robin said you see particles and stuff coming out. Howard asked if the water turns brown. She said sometimes it does. Howard asked what other colors she sees. Robin said she sees some oranges and tans. Howard asked if there are hunks that come out. Robin said she hasn't seen any yet.
Howard thanked Ann for the call and let her go. He said it sounds very dangerous to him. He took another call from a guy claiming to be a doctor. He said that this can injure the colon and blow it out of they put too much pressure in there. Howard asked if he's seen it happen. He said he hasn't but he's heard of it happening.
Howard said he didn't believe that guy was a real doctor based on the way he was talking with the Southern accent. The guy said he is a real doctor though.
Howard was going to move along but Robin told him that she was out jumping her horse yesterday. Howard talked to her and said that maybe they should call Chris Reeve and share her excitement with him.
Wanna bet? 6/20/96.
After yesterday's phone call from Morton Downey Jr., Howard decided that they should bet on when Morton will die. So everyone placed their bets. At first it was only $100 per person but it was bumped up to $200 a little later. The rules say that whoever comes closest to the death date wins. It doesn't matter if they go over or under the date. Morton's surgery is scheduled for July 12, 1996. So here's the bets:
In the clip Howard was talking about Pee Wee Herman getting busted in a movie theater for jerking off. They talked about the kind of theater he was in and how it wasn't the first time he's gotten into trouble.
Howard read the article about the arrest. He said they caught him masturbating during an adult movie. Howard wondered why he wouldn't just do that at home. Pee Wee was staying with his parents at the tine so Howard figured that's why he wasn't doing it at home.
Howard asked where Red was. Billy West came in a short time later doing his ''Red'' character. Red was talking about Pee Wee and what was going on with that case. He was joking about the whole thing and had Howard laughing at him.
Howard said they could call the theater to find out what kind of movies they play there. He dialed the number and got the pre-recorded message where they run down the list of movies. They threw in some Pee Wee sound clips as they were listening to that. Billy was also doing his Pee Wee impression throwing in a few lines too. The message ended with a beep so they figured it was an answering machine. Billy left a message as Red and gave them a hard time about the beating off in the movie.
Howard said Red came in there shot out of a cannon. Howard said it was weird with Pee Wee. He said that he's kind of like Suzanne Somers who could have just stuck to her role on her TV show but she had to go out and do other things. Howard said he doesn't get masturbating in public like Pee Wee did. Howard said that's weird. He said it's weird that the cops still go to the theaters and bust people too.
Howard talked about how they could have had Pee Wee on the show but they weren't able to talk to him as both Paul Reubens and Pee Wee. It had to be one or the other.
Howard talked about some article he was reading about going into a new market and how strange the review was. He said that they wrote it up based on one show. That led to Red getting all upset and going off on the reporter.
Howard read another article about Pee Wee where they gave the details of his arrest. Howard said they had arrested a few other people that night too.
Howard played some Pee Wee show clips and made a jerking off sound as it was playing. They wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Howard was asking where everyone was because he wanted to get to the Jay Leno stuff. Stuttering John came in a short time later after grunting at the door. Howard said John seems to be trying to be a ''grunge'' rock star but he's just looking dirty and smelling bad. Howard asked John if he is starting to realize that he's his future. John asked why he would say that. John said his video is the number 9 most requested in the country. Howard said he likes his music but he's a bigger fan of his interviews.
Howard wondered why Jay Leno had a press conference. He wondered what kind of questions they could ask him. He said they're all Jay Leno'd to death already. Jay was in the city to do some shows so he held a press conference.
John said there were maybe 30 people from the press there. He said it was very informal. Howard said they wrote a bunch of questions for Jay and sent John out to ask them. John said he was wearing a hat so Jay may not have known who he was at first.
Howard said the press pretends they don't know who John is but then they write up all of their questions and don't credit them. Howard said without them they'd have nothing to write up.
Howard said he's not sure if this guy Richard Huff hates them or what but he didn't credit them for the questions. Howard read the article about Jay and they were taking their questions and answers and not attributing the questions to them.
Howard played the tape of Jay starting the press conference and wondering what he was supposed to do. Howard said the guy called the press conference so he should have known what to say. In the clip John asked Jay why Johnny Carson hates him. Jay said Johnny is fine with him. Howard said that Johnny just burned his ass, why would he say he's fine. Howard said Johnny is such a pecker head that he can't deal with someone else doing his show.
Robin said that Jay does have a problem because he had Jack Parr on his show while David Letterman was interviewing Johnny Carson on his show. Howard went off on Jack Parr for a short time. He was pointing out how the guy couldn't handle the pressure so he walked out of the show.
Howard played more of the Jay Leno interview and Jay was talking about how he and Johnny are fine. John asked Jay how much he's going to dance at Johnny's funeral. Jay laughed at that one.
After an edited out break Howard came back and talked about how he's going to be doing the Leno show even though he's friends with David Letterman. Howard said he has never called either show to ask to go on. He said they call him and ask him to come on. Howard said Jay's people asked him to be on the show so he's doing it. Howard said they called him 4 months in advance to get him on the show. He said no for a while but eventually said yes. Howard said Dave's people called a week before Jay wanted him on. He said he already agreed to do Leno's show. He said that he'd go on Dave's show the next week if they wanted but they didn't want that. They think that's too close to appear on both shows.
Howard said some people said to him that they'd rather see him on Letterman but he's just go to do the right thing. Howard said Letterman's people call him days before they need him and Leno called 4 months. He said he can't just drop it now.
Howard said NBC is running a lot of Leno commercials. He wondered if they have any money left for the show. Billy West was doing his Leno impression during that discussion.
Howard said that WNEW is running the Leno commercial but they leave out his name. They're the competition there and they seem to think that's really going to help them. Howard said if they left his name in maybe someone would tune into that station. Howard said he's the number one Disc Jockey in the country and everyone knows who he is. He said it's ridiculous that they edited out his name.
Howard wanted to play the Leno commercial that they've been playing. He got to that and goofed on Jay for a short time. Billy would listen to some of that and do his impression.
Howard said Jay announced that they were going to New York and David Letterman went out to L.A. the week before. He said Jay announced it too soon.
Howard played another Leno commercial where he talked about all of the guests they had coming up that week. Howard also checked out the press photo of him sitting on his motorcycle. They made fun of him about that.
Howard got back to the Stuttering John interview tape. John asked Jay why he doesn't do Carnack and Aunt Blabby to raise his ratings. Jay said they have their own stuff they'll be doing. They cut the clip off and goofed on Jay some more. Billy did some more of his impression of Jay doing Carson characters.
Howard had to fart in the middle of that discussion. He asked i f anyone wanted to hear it. All of the guys said they did but Robin said no. Howard ripped one into the microphone but said it wasn't real.
Howard got back to the tape of John asking Jay questions. John asked him about coming to New York and how that was going. Billy was doing his impression during that and Howard said he couldn't listen to the tape without thinking of Billy. Jay was talking about how he had a new set for the TV show and how interesting it was that the staff were excited to do the show from New York. Howard said that they're going to have a good time but the audience has to have a good time too.
Howard said people were asking him what he's going to wear on the Leno show. Howard said he's going to wear two outfits and he'll do a change during the commercial break. Robin said she'll tune in just to watch that. Howard said he may have a dress on when they come back.
Howard played more of John's interview with Jay and John asked him if his wife ever yelled out Letterman's name during sex. Jay said she had not and she definitely didn't yell out his name. Jay was goofing on John saying that any woman who yells out his name must yell out a very short name.
John asked Jay if he would have a live execution on the show to beat Dave in the ratings. Jay joked that some of their interviews were like live executions. John asked Jay some more questions and it wasn't clear if he knew who he was yet.
John told Jay to try wearing a Letterman mask to get ratings. Jay said he wasn't sure if they were available but he would try that. John also asked what brought him to New York, the traffic or the foreigners. Jay said it was both in a cab.
Howard played more of the interview and Billy was doing an impression of what the other reporters sounded like there. John asked Jay to do some word association and threw out Dave's name and some others like Johnny Carson. Then he got to ''Helen'' and Jay said ''no comment.'' John was referring to Helen Kushnick who Jay had fired. Howard said Jay really is a good guy because he won't say anything negative about anyone. Jay talked more about Johnny and how he thinks that he went on Letterman because he and Dave had a long relationship and he has no problem with him at all.
Billy did his impression of Jay goofing on Johnny like he should have been doing. Howard said that's the way it should be done.
Howard wrapped up with the interview clip and John asked to get in a plug. He said he's going to be on Conan later in the week. He said he will be sitting on the couch instead of playing live and they'll play his video during the interview. Howard said Conan is preparing to do this whole show and no one is even watching it. Howard said that Conan should just let John play even if they have another band playing that night. He's not sure why they stick to that format when no one is watching.
Howard said he saw that Greg Kinear can't get ratings to beat an infomercial. He said he's not sure why they keep them on the show when they do that bad.
Howard said he had to take a break but John wanted to say something else. Howard just cut him off and went to break.
After an edited out break Howard had Jay Leno on the phone. Jay was doing an impression of Billy doing the impression of him. Howard had the two of them talking to each other for a few seconds.
Howard told Jay that he owes him for doing his show. Howard said Jay had been calling him for months. He said that they went as far as to send a producer to his agent's office to ask him to do the show. Howard said Jay had been good to him so he figured that he'd go on. He said Jay is a good guy so he was going to help him out. Howard asked why he's in New York though. Jay said that they had a great time and they had Jack Parr on. Howard said he was reading about that in the papers. Jay said he didn't see anything in the paper.
Howard asked Jay if he was able to stay awake the whole time Jack Parr was on. Jay said he was a great guest. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. Howard said he should get Steve Allen on too.
Howard told Jay that Bob Morton from David Letterman's show asked him to come on a few days before he was supposed to be on Jay's show. Howard said he told them no because he had already agreed to do Jay's show. Howard said he's going crazy from these two guys. Jay said that he can go wherever he's treated best.
Howard asked Jay not to be so combative with him on the show. He told jay he wants to do a wardrobe change too. Jay said he can do whatever he wants to do.
Howard told Jay that Johnny could have gone on both shows instead of just doing Dave's show. He said Johnny was given too much power in the industry. He said that Johnny is a dick and who gives a rats ass if he talks or not.
Howard said he wouldn't forgive Johnny for the way he treated Jay. Jay asked Howard to move on to another subject. Howard kept talking about it anyway.
Howard asked Jay if he's laughing about Jerry Seinfeld and Shoshauna Lonstein. Jay said he's not laughing about that. Howard asked if Jerry still hangs out with him. Jay said he doesn't see anyone now that he has the show. He said they're still friends though. Jay said that Jerry is a great guy and he really cares for this woman. Howard said Jerry gave her a beeper so he could beep her in the middle of class at college. Howard said that's funny. He said if it was anyone else it would be great material for his monologue.
Jay told Howard that they do an Evil Jay bit on his show. That's where he can do the material he normally wouldn't do. He told one joke that he wouldn't normally tell. That led to Billy West doing his own Evil Jay impression and telling Jerry Seinfeld jokes. The real Jay said that was lame and asked them to move on to the next subject.
Howard said this rivalry with Dave must be killing Jay. Jay said he's doing fine. Howard said Jay was a great comic when he was in the comedy clubs. He said that even Dave would have to admit that. Howard said suddenly Jay has to go into these late night wars and it has to be uncomfortable. Jay said he likes the game so it's not a problem.
Howard said that Branford Marsalis can't be comfortable doing that show. Jay said if he wasn't, he wouldn't stick around. He said he wouldn't stay if he didn't like doing the show. Howard said Branford tells him all the time that he's going to leave the show.
Howard told Jay to ask Cindy Crawford some interesting questions and find out if Richard Gere is her beard. jay said that people wouldn't know what that means. Howard said his audience might be smart enough to figure it out.
Howard said he thinks that things will work out for him and his show. He said that Arsenio thought he was going to kick his ass and he's gone already.
Howard wrapped up with Jay a short time later. Jay said he had to go over to do Regis' show. Howard told him to bring up his name and Kathie Lee will go running out of the room. Jay said he'll have to see about that. Howard told Jay not to be so combative with him this time on the show. He said he has to let him answer some questions. Jay said that's fair, he'll do that. Howard let Jay go a short time later.
Howard said he's going to light Jay's desk on fire. That led to them talking about how Bobcat Goldthwait had lit a chair on fire and he's trying to avoid getting into trouble. He said Jay put it out with a glass of water but they still want to go after him for lighting the fire. They went to break a short time later.
David Faustino Calls In. 3/12/97. 7:55am
David Faustino plays Bud Bundy on Married With Children. He just called in to tell Howard that he saw the movie and loved it. He kissed Howard's ass for a few minutes. Howard also had a letter from one of the producers of Baywatch. The letter was to invite Howard to do an episode of the show. They had a basic plot that Howard read on the air. The idea was to have a morning radio DJ who does his show from a helicopter (uh oh.. dumb idea already). The DJ (Howard) always bad mouths the lifeguards on the beach... Out in the water would be thousands of his fans who wait out by the beach to see their favorite DJ flying around in his chopper. Then something would go wrong with the helicopter and it would crash into the water and he would have to be saved by the lifeguards that he always bad mouths. Well Howard was having fun with this letter. He was making up some of the dialog that might happen in the show. He even included David Faustino in the fun. I don't think David wanted to play because he quickly told Howard that he had to go to work. Howard would never do something so stupid but he did say that he'd like to see a script for an episode like that. Wouldn't that be a sight? Howard on Baywatch...
In the clip Robin was reading some news and asked Howard if he had ever cried. Howard said he did when he was a kid but not much as an adult. Howard said he cried when his grandfather died and he didn't go to his funeral. He said he cried once in college too. He said he also cried when he realized he was stuck with Fred forever.
Howard said he cried over his grandfather for not going to his funeral. Howard said he should have been there. Howard said everyone told him not to bother going so he didn't. Then he felt guilty and cried. He said he started throwing things into a wall and tears came. He said he kind of cried when Robin decided to cut her boobs. He said they were needless tears though because they are great the way they are now.
Howard said in college he cried that one time but that was it for crying. Robin said he never cries then. Howard said he hasn't cried since his grandfather died. Howard said he never really does. Robin asked if he holds back the tears. Howard said he does that sometimes. He said he saw a guy on the Jerry Lewis Telethon one time that made him want to cry. The guy wasn't able to move anything. He said he communicates by winking. Howard said he almost cried at a Sting song too but he held back on that one too. Howard said he almost cried at the end of ''Ghost'' but he held back on that when he convinced himself it was just a movie.
Howard asked Fred if he cries. Fred said he does. Howard asked how often he does. Fred said he has been moved to tears while listening to songs and watching movies. Robin said she never thought Fred would cry like that. Howard asked what makes him cry. Fred said the last couple of times were movies. He said that the movie ''Orphans'' made him cry. He said the ending was heart wrenching. He told Howard what the movie was about and what it was that made him cry.
Howard asked Jackie if he cries. Jackie said he does too. He'll even cry at funny movies. Howard said Robin cries too. Robin said of course she does. Howard asked Jackie when he last cried. Jackie wasn't sure. He said it happens a lot though. He said he gets choked up a lot and the gushers come once in a while.
Howard asked Robin what she cried over last. Robin said it was probably a movie. Howard asked if anyone cries in real life. Fred said that you think about stuff in your past that makes you cry. Robin said that the Wonder Years made her cry last. She said it was the wedding of the girl in the family and it made her cry.
Howard said the whole crew is an emotional wreck. Howard asked if she's going to cry at Gary's wedding. Robin said she might. She said she almost cried when Fred got engaged. She has cried when she has an orgasm once in a while. Howard said he knew that.
Robin told Howard about putting her ''little sister'' on a train one time and that made her cry. Howard said Robin does good things outside of the show. The rest of them don't. Howard said Robin was part of the Little Sister program and helped this girl out. Robin said it had been three years since she did that.
In the clip Robin was reading a story about a guy who got his penis caught in a pool filter at a motel. Howard said guys are always putting their weenies in weird stuff. He said that this guy must have thought it was going to feel good doing that in a pool. Robin read more of the story and they found that he had gotten it stuck in a filter on the side of the pool. The pump had been shut off but the guy was still stuck in there. The penis had become swollen. Howard said that happens when you get action like that.
Robin read about how they got the guy out of the filter and how it took 40 minutes to get him out. Fred played a few Jackie laugh clips during that story. Jackie joked that the guy went back after they got him out.
Howard said he knew a guy who would have sex with his pillow and it was a really funky pillow. Howard said it was some kind of couch pillow. Howard said guys had tried it and said it felt like a woman. Robin said she had heard about guys who had done it with vacuum cleaners. Billy said he heard about guys doing apples.
Howard said he heard Jackie put it in ice cream. Jackie said you do that just once. He said he did it as a goof to see what it felt like.
Howard said he has tried some weird stuff. He said someone sent them some rubber thing that vibrates and he tried that. He said it didn't turn him on though. He said it just hurt. It was some kind of marital aid. Howard said he wasn't sure what else he's done that has been weird. He said he has put his thing on a sink to feel the texture. He said you test different objects to see how it feels.
Ralph called in and said he tried a central vacuum cleaner once. He said he tried but there's a connector that won't come on unless you have the thing plugged in. He said he wasn't able to angle his body to get it to work.
Gary said he knew a guy who did that vacuum thing. He said that they would lift the door to the vacuum and tell the guy that his girlfriend was calling. Ralph said he just wanted to try it and wasn't sure how it was going to feel. Gary said he had never done it with an inanimate object. Howard said he didn't think he had either.
Howard asked Gary if he had ever put his penis on a sink like he did. Gary said he has never done that. Jackie asked if he had ever put it on the side of a bathtub or anything. Gary said he hadn't done that. He said he's not testing it out with his penis.
In the clip Howard and Robin were preparing for a mystery guest. They had to put on their blindfolds so they could play. Howard had Gary bring the guest in and they started asking questions. Howard was hoping for a woman. Robin was hoping for a good looking man. Howard and Robin went back and forth asking questions and Howard was the one who figured it out after a few questions.
Howard said he doesn't think that Wilt knows what he's doing. He said he was a singer during the questions. Wilt said he did record a song back in the 60s. He said he didn't have it with him though. Howard said he played basketball against Nils Loftgren, who is only 4'11'' and he lost. Howard said he really sucks at the game. Wilt said it matters how big your heart is, not how big you are.
Howard said that Wilt claims to have had sex with over 2000 women. Wilt said that the book said 20,000 but 2000 is close enough.
Howard told Wilt about how small he is in his pants and how he can't get any women. Howard said it looked like Wilt was checking his watch already and he wanted out. Howard said they were only 3 minutes in. Wilt said that it was going good so far. He said he heard that Howard was a tough interview but he's enjoying it.
Howard said he's impressed by Wilt getting 20,000 women. He asked if it steams him that Michael Jordan gets paid the kind of money he gets. Wilt said that it doesn't upset him. He said he could come back and play again if he wanted. He said he just has to get back into shape. Howard asked if he's really going to try to do that. Wilt said it sounds good but he's not sure.
Howard asked Wilt if he invested his money right when he was playing. Wilt said he did. Howard asked him about the women and what kind of women he was with. Howard asked if he ever did a midget. Wilt said that it's all in the mind and it's never about the size.
Howard asked Wilt about the kind of shots he was taking when he was sleeping with so many women. He said he must have run across some bad points while hitting that many. Wilt said he can't do that kind of thing in this day. He said he is a lot more selective than he was back then.
Wilt said that he was selective back then too but not as much as he is now. He said he could have had even more than 20,000 if he wanted to.
Robin said that someone figured it out and said that would be like 1.5 women a day or something like that. Howard said he could have had more than one woman at a time. Wilt said he did that.
Howard said he figured that he'd have to get laid but the next commercial break. Howard told Robin that she might want to get in there. Wilt said he took care of that the night before.
Howard said that if Wilt wasn't this famous guy he was he may have gotten women but not 20,000. He asked if he hates that he's so tall. Wilt said he had problems when he was young but not anymore. He said by the time he was 14 he was almost as tall as he is now.
Howard gave Wilt some plugs for his new autobiography. Howard told Wilt that he's working on a book but he needed someone to help write it. Howard said he isn't sure how he got involved in this whole thing. He said it's a nightmare.
Howard said Gary saw Wilt at the U.S. Open once and he was turning people down for autographs. Wilt said he does that because it's rude to the players out there. He said he's also a huge tennis star and people should be watching the game instead of asking for autographs.
Howard had a woman on the phone who wanted to complain about Wilt not signing autographs. She said she's a tennis pro herself. She said that it's not nice when kids go up to him and he turns them away. Howard said that it's usually the parents who send the kids over to do that stuff and the kids don't even care. Howard said he wishes that this woman would crawl back into her hole. He said if he were Wilt he'd slam dunk her into a hoop. He said she's a selfish woman.
Wilt said that if you sign one then more and more people are going to come up to you. He said there is a place and a time to get an autograph. He said that some people push their kids to get his autograph and the kids don't even know who he is.
Howard let the woman go and talked about some of the stuff that he has been doing with his TV show and stuff. Wilt said he knew about that. Howard told him that he's also on in a bunch of cities around the country. Wilt said he knew about that as well. Robin said they are number one in a lot of those cities too.
Wilt talked about having some famous celebrities. That led to Howard asking if he had slept with any. Wilt said that any woman who has slept with him was a celebrity at the time. Howard asked whose funerals he's been to. Wilt said he went to Elvis' funeral. He was pretty close with the guy.
Howard said that he's never been to a famous guy's funeral. He said he's friends with Grandpa Al Lewis but he just seems to get healthier and healthier.
Howard said he knows they only have a little more time with Wilt. He told Robin she may want to get in there before he has to go. Howard told her to come in and meet him while she can. Howard told Wilt to check out her chest. He told him to goose her too. Robin came in and greeted him. Jackie said she was like a little kid meeting him. Howard said she was all embarrassed.
Howard took some calls for Wilt. He said that he had to get going soon. Howard said he was going to be doing some satellite interviews after that. Wilt said he has about 18 things to do today. One caller said that Wilt is an awful person. Howard hung right up on that guy. Howard ended up talking to him about working with Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian.
The caller who didn't like Wilt called back and said that he really is related to Wilt. Wilt didn't know who he was but the guy knew a lot of information about him. Howard asked him what he wants him to do. The caller said he ran into Wilt back in 1973 or so and hew totally blew him off. Howard said the guy is a pain in the ass so he understands why he blew him off.
Howard said that guy was annoying him and he just called in for a short time. Wilt said he's pretty sure that he wasn't actually his cousin. Howard gave Wilt some plugs for his book and then wrapped up with him and went to break.
Various Stuff. 3/5/01. 6:05am
Howard was trying to talk about the snow storm that's hitting New York today but his microphone kept cutting out. He was talking about how much hype there has been about the storm and how little it's actually dumped on the city. Howard said the news reports kept saying that there would be a foot or two of snow by today but there's only a little bit down. Howard said Ronnie the limo driver left the limo at home and drove his big SUV in to pick him up. Howard wanted him to go home and get the limo because there wasn't that much snow on the ground. Ronnie told Howard he was just prepared for the worst. People are panicking about the storm and a lot of stuff has been closed already and there's hardly any snow.
The conversation changed when Howard started talking about Ronnie wanting to be a race car driver. Howard mentioned that Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s wife is suing to keep her husband's autopsy photos private. Ronnie mentioned that they've been released by someone and she's upset. Howard is worried that when he dies he'll show up on the web also.
Howard continued to badger Ronnie about not driving the limo this morning. Ronnie tried to convince Howard that he was just trying to be prepared for more snow later in the day. Howard said he wanted the limo today because he'll probably be going out to Long Island after the show. Ronnie couldn't win any argument though. Whatever he said was wrong. He eventually apologized for making the wrong choice. He even said he wasn't going to charge Howard for the limo since he had the truck.
Gary made the mistake of telling Howard that he went shopping over the weekend to prepare for the storm. He said everyone was buying up everything and he ended up spending $102 on his groceries. Both Howard and Robin told him that there's no reason to stock up on stuff because the snow will be gone in a day or so. People are acting like it's the end of the world or something. Gary said he bought extra milk because the store might be out for a day or two. Howard and Robin goofed on him for a couple of minutes until Howard finally had to take a break.
In the clip Robin was reading a story about how two of the guys from Menudo were fired for having marijuana. Robin said they were on a layover in Florida and they had drug sniffing dogs there. Robin said they found pot on the guys when the dogs sniffed them out. They found that they had the pot in their crotch area. Howard said they call that ''dingle-refer.''
Robin gave the names of the two guys who were kicked out of the band. One was 18 and the other was 16. Robin said that the dogs were going right for their crotches. Howard said they must have been fermenting it inside their butt cheeks. He said that those are ''dingle doggies'' who found that in there. Robin said they were fired immediately when they found the drugs on them.
Howard said he was going to check Jackie's butt cheeks right now. He told him he wants to see his underpants. Jackie told him not to pay any attention to the brown circle in there. Fred played Jackie's circus music, dogs barking and fart sounds as that was going on.
Robin said they only found a small amount of pot on the guys but they say that marijuana is marijuana so they had to bust them. Robin wondered what band is going to be next. She said Milli Vanilli had been busted too so now that's two bands down. Howard said maybe Josie Sang (Stuttering John's band) is next.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 11:35am.
This week's Breast of the Week was over around 12:05pm.