|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard Stern and the crew were back from their week long vacation this morning. Howard started the show talking about Robin's birthday which was on August 8th. Robin told him she just turned 30. Artie told her she looks 32. Robin said that's not what she wants to hear.
Howard said that they were on vacation last week and Robin was out in France for her birthday. Robin said she got back Saturday and actually traveled on her birthday. Howard said that's so appropriate for the world traveler that she is. Robin said she went with her friend Sheila. Howard said that must have been exciting.
Howard said he saw Gary this morning when he came in. He said that Gary is known by many names like Baba Booey and so many others. He had a new song parody about Gary that he played where a few of those names were used. The guy sang about Gary's many screw ups over the years in the song.
Howard said Gary has grown a beard. He said he had a goatee and it was fully gray and very disturbing. Howard said he wants him to shave it off. Gary said that Howard isn't good with any change. He said if he kept it for a couple of weeks and shaved it off, he'd be upset with that too.
Gary said that he's not committed to it anyway so he'll probably shave it off. Howard said it really ages him. He said that he doesn't think they'd let him on a plane again if he tried to get on. He said he was looking kind of Arabic. Gary said he was just trying to show what Ronnie would look like if he didn't dye his beard.
Howard said he has a gray beard too. Artie said his is too. Artie said he looks like Santa Claus if he lets it grow.
Howard said Artie looks like he's lost weight. Artie said he's around 230 or so. Howard said he has to be less than that. Artie said he just looks like he's less. He's really not. Artie said he had to get some new clothes because of the weight loss. The hair is growing back on his arms too. Artie said that the hair loss on his arms must have been from the Subutex that he was on.
Howard asked if one of the things was hair loss. Artie said it may have been. Howard said he's lucky he kept the hair on his head.
Artie said that he's feeling a lot better now. He said he hasn't weighed himself in about 2 weeks. Back then he was around 240. He said he was up to 295 at one point so that's a major loss. Howard said it's about fuckin' time.
Artie said he wants to lose another 40 so he's back down to 200 like he was for ''Beer League.'' He said he gets a lot of exercise on the Jet Skis he has. He said that's a lot of fun too. Howard said that he can't imagine that you get exercise doing that but Robin confirmed it. Artie said that getting the Jet Ski out of the water is hard too. He said the whole thing is physical and that's compared to doing nothing before.
Artie said that he's used to being pushed out on stage to do his act and now he's actually out in the water doing something. He said if you go out for a half hour you come back in pain.
Howard said he gets a great work out entering and exiting the limo. He said you have to bend over and stand up. That works his core.
Howard said he considers himself a ''skinny fat guy.'' Robin said that JD is a skinny fat guy, not Howard. Howard said he tries to keep the weight off but he can never get in that great shape that he wants to be in. He said he's constantly working out trying to look better but he never gets in the shape he wants to be in. He's 55 now and he's holding on by a thread.
Artie said that Howard is in a million times better shape than he is. Howard said that's not saying much. He said Artie abused himself and he still looks better than he does.
Artie said that they played pick up football games when they were kids. He said he was in incredible shape back then. He said he's never had anything close to a six pack though. He said he was playing sports like 15 hours a day and now no one has time to do that stuff.
Howard played the clip of Bob being interviewed by a WPIX reporter. Bob talked about how he got on the Stern show in the World's Meanest Listener contest.
Bob was taking credit for Robin losing weight since they roasted her a while back and that was the first time she got on a diet. Bob also talked about his show ''Miserable Men'' with the reporter.
Howard said he thought that Bob was going to come out swinging with that interview but he was too subdued. He said he sounded like he was sick of being on TV and didn't want to be bothered with that interview. Howard said he was all excited for Bob to be interviewed and he didn't act like he was excited.
Artie said that he saw Bob being interviewed one time and he becomes very conscious of not cursing that he goes into that calm voice. He said that he's trying to be clean and he over thinks it. He said that's what it was like when Bob was on Tough Crowd when he was on with him.
Howard said he's the most important broadcaster out there and maybe one of the hated. He said he is the most influential out there if nothing else. Howard said he's the only one who has had a hit book, a number one sound track, movie and number one in other markets that he's gone into on radio.
Howard said this is like having a super hero hall of fame and leaving Superman out. Howard said it would be like having Ant Man in there before Superman. Howard said if the Radio Hall of Fame called him tomorrow and told him they were putting him in, it would be too late. Howard said someone has a shiv up their ass about him and they're carrying on this hall of fame pretending like he doesn't exist. He said it's too late for them to add him to the hall of fame now.
Howard said he thinks that the company that runs the hall of fame is a really conservative company. Gary and Robin said it's Emerson that does it. Gary said that the people who run it are older types and they must not see him fitting in. Howard said that it's not about fitting in. He doesn't get that.
Howard said that he had audio of Wendy Williams crying on her show. He said that this hall of fame is bogus and farcical. Howard played the clip where Wendy took the call from Bruce Dumont from the Radio Hall of Fame. He's the Chairman from the hall of fame. Howard said they should have their own radio hall of fame and just keep inducting Howard, Robin, Fred, Benjy, Artie and others from the show. Howard said that would be just as legitimate as this.
Howard said if Wendy was accepting this award anywhere else, no one would even be listening. She had to do it on her show so people would know what the Radio Hall of Fame is.
In the clip Wendy says ''I won!?'' like she had won some big prize. The crowd went nuts cheering for her and this Bruce guy tells her that she did win. Howard said he's never seen tits as big as Wendy's before. He said she did this acceptance thing on her TV show and not even on her radio show.
Bruce Dumont told Wendy how important she was and why she was recognized for this. Gary came in and said that this was on her TV show because she doesn't even have a radio show anymore. Gary also said that the reason they won't put Howard in the hall of fame is because he won't show up.
Howard said you have to hear Wendy crying in this clip. He said you should not cry when someone gives you something like this. He said that it's not that big of a deal. He said it's not an award like the Academy Awards or anything like that. Artie said it's like the guy is saying ''I'm nobody, here's nothing.''
Howard played more of the clip where Wendy was talking about the induction and how important it was for her. She broke down crying talking about it. She said that she's a girl from Jersey who never thought the dream would come true. Howard said Jersey is just a drive through the tunnel so he's not sure what the big deal is.
In the clip Wendy was talking about how important it was to her and thanked Bruce for calling in with the news. She thanked the people who voted her in too. Bruce asked to say a few more words before they hung up on him. Howard and Artie goofed on the guy's delivery and the fact that his family has a lot of money and he probably just had to ask an uncle for a job.
Bruce was telling Wendy who she was going to be in the Hall of Fame with and they had names like Jack Benny in there. Howard said if she asked where Howard Stern was they would just say ''Who?'' and tell her that they don't include that person and he's the name that they do not mention. Howard goofed on the guy for a couple of minutes making fun of the whole Radio Hall of Fame and how there probably is no building or anything to visit. Howard did an impression of the guy talking about how the hall of fame is in his basement and he has meetings there with other people from the group.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would go to accept an award if he won it from those people. Howard said he wouldn't go. He said he can't respect an award where Wendy gets an award before he gets it. Gary said there is a dinner for that hall of fame. He said he and Stuttering John went to that one year. Howard said he's not even sure if there is a dinner anymore. Howard said he would never go to it even if it did exist.
The caller said it would be funny if they inducted people like Steve Langford and Lisa G before Howard. Howard said they should induct everyone before him. He said it's absurd. Robin said that call could have been a Captain Janks call and it would have meant just as much.
Howard did his Bruce impression as Captain Janks calling into her show. Howard said they should have Sal and Richard call radio guys and give them radio awards and see what they do.
The caller told Robin she did a great job on the Joan Rivers roast last night. Howard said they'll talk about that later.
Another caller said that he was on the Hall of Fame web site and he thinks that Jackie Martling might be on there. Gary was on the site getting some of the names off of there. He said he'd bring those in soon.
Another caller said that Howard bitches and complains about this every time they induct someone. Howard said it just turns into more of a joke every time they induct someone like this. Gary said that Don Imus, Scott Shannon, Charlie Tuna and others are on the list. Howard read through some of the other names on the list and there were a lot of old time guys.
Howard said Rick Dees, Don Imus, Dan Ingram, and many other irrelevant guys are in there. Howard said that Rush Limbaugh is even in there. Artie laughed at that. Howard said there was no Rush Limbaugh when he got into radio.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up Bruce Dumont and how he had a building that he had for the hall of fame that's actually all boarded up now. Artie laughed when he heard that. Howard said that if he went to get his award to see who he was in with, he'd show up to a boarded up building. Howard seemed to find that pretty funny.
Howard asked the caller if he had ever heard that guy Bruce's radio show ''Beyond the Beltway.'' The caller had never heard it. Howard hadn't either. Howard continued to goof on the guy doing an impression of him.
Another caller complained about Howard talking about himself for the first 45 minutes of the show. Howard said that's what he does. He said in about 4 hours he'll have heard 4 hours of him talking about himself.
Howard said he was asked to say a few words about the station and he hasn't been interviewed yet so he's not sure what's going on with it. He said it'll probably just be something really quick. Gary told Howard he's just going to do a quick goodbye to the station after the show today. Howard wanted to do it now instead of doing it after the show.
Howard told the caller that maybe he can be on it with him. Howard said that he's going to do the goodbye as Wendy Williams and Bruce Dumont. That led to Howard talking about buying the Radio Hall of Fame building so he can burn it to the ground. Howard said he'd like to call the guy and tell him that he's pissing on the building as he's burning it down.
Gary said they could change the name to the Howard Stern Hall of Fame or something like that. Howard replayed some of the Wendy Williams thing and said that Scott can cut together something from what he says. Howard said that he will say something nice about them though.
Howard said he started to ramble a birthday greeting for her and didn't think much of it. He said he was just rambling for about 2 minutes. He got back this morning and heard from Gary that they had to cut the clip down to 13 seconds from about 2 minutes. Howard said whatever he said wasn't appropriate for her channel. Howard said he didn't want them to air anything if they had to cut it down. Howard had the clip of what he said and played that to let everyone hear what he said to her. In the clip Howard was talking about Ed Lover coming to her house and shooting her in the head like she was Mary Jo Buttafuoco. He talked about how she was the one who went to prison and he got her and Mary Jo mixed up. Howard also talked about how she's one hot minx. He made up a story that she might have told on his show and it was a lesbian threesome. That's what wasn't appropriate for Martha's show. He also told her that his gift to her was his time doing this message. He also talked about doing things with Martha and her daughter at the same time.
Artie said he had to hear the 13 seconds that they actually did play. Gary said that the note he got told him that it was Howard saying ''Hey Martha, it's Howard Stern. Happy birthday.'' Howard said he doesn't want that airing. He said he put 2 minutes of work into that message.
Howard said he didn't think that much about it when he recorded the message. He said he did one recording early on there at SIRIUS that they wanted to air during the Super Bowl and they couldn't air what he said on regular radio.
Artie said he finds it funny that the only time Howard ever edited himself was when he mentioned his heroin use on Letterman. Howard said he just thought it was wrong to talk about it himself and that was Artie's story to tell. Artie said more people heard it on SIRIUS then heard it on Letterman.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw plans for the Hall of Fame years ago and it apparently never worked out. Howard said that they must have had big plans but they haven't worked out and now the building is boarded up.
The caller said that Bruce Dumont guy is a nice guy and he's met him in person. Howard and Artie got into their impressions of Bruce and goofed on the guy some more.
The caller is a radio guy and he's wondering what he's gotten himself into now that he's heard that WBCN is shutting down. Howard said he was that way when he got into radio. He said that a lot of guys are still getting fucked royally. Robin said that she tells people not to get into the business because of that. Howard said he hates to tell people that because if they had the same thoughts back when they started out, they'd never be where they are now.
Artie said it's easier to get on TV or radio now but that's because there are so many channels out there. He said that means there's less money to go around though. He said you can get on TV but there isn't any money in it.
Howard played a new song parody about Gary to the tune of ''Boom Boom Pow'' with clips of Gary's ''hello, hello'' and other things. Howard said that was a Kidd Chris song parody.
Howard said that the Black Eyed Peas are really good at coming up with songs. He said that he really likes their stuff. Howard said he likes their latest release and a bunch of their other songs. He said that it's all pop music but he likes it.
Howard played the song he was talking about and talked about Will-I-Am singing the song. They listened to that for a short time.
Howard said he saw a good movie over vacation. He said the movie isn't out yet but he saw it. The movie is called ''Spread'' and Ashton Kutcher made it. Robin didn't want to hear that he made a good movie. Howard said the movie is really good. He said that Robin will like it. He said it's very adult and the story is good. Howard said Anne Heche is fully nude in it and there is sex in the movie. Howard said that Kutcher is nude and he's got his finger in her and they're bordering on a X-rating.
Howard explained what the story was about and how Kutcher's character is the kid who was good looking in high school and got chicks. Then he goes out to L.A. and figures out that he can go and live off of women. He said these guys exist and they live off of women and he has nothing else going on in his life. He said that's what the movie is about. Howard said the movie is good but he's not sure when or where it's coming out. Howard congratulated him on the movie.
Someone told Howard that the movie opens this weekend. He said that it's the typical story about those kind of guys. He said that Anne Heche had a kick ass body in that movie too. He said that Ashton Kutcher has some really hot chicks in the movie too. He said that he was shaving the bush off one chick and it was really hot. He said he really thought the movie was good.
Artie said he can't stand Ashton Kutcher in any movie. Howard said he thinks that he'll become a fan after seeing this movie. Howard said he did.
Howard asked Robin about how her wrist is doing. She said it's feeling pretty good but her suture line is still hurting her. She said she hurt it earlier this morning bringing something into Howard. Howard said he can't believe she got just 3 hours of sleep and she's not tired.
Artie said that Robin knows how to have a good time. She had a party to watch herself on the Joan Rivers roast and he could never do something like that.
Howard asked Robin if she thought they did a good job with the roast editing. She said that they did a good job but there were some lines that she would have changed. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Lisa G come in with her news preview. He also took a call from Bobo who said that the Three Stooges Tom Bergeron special was great. Howard said he got a lot of feedback about that special and read some of the email they got about it. There were a bunch of positive emails about the special. Howard and the guys talked about how weird it was that Tom had the same voice at 16 that he has now.
Howard said they were lucky to get those tapes and he had to thank Tom Bergeron for bringing them there for them. Bobo talked about some of the stuff that was mentioned in the special and Robin also said she had forgotten about the quiz she gave Howard about the Stooges years ago. Howard had a new Baba Booey song parody that was to the tune of the Three Stooges theme song.
Howard had Lisa G in the studio and talked about her newly found D-cups. Howard asked if she found that she was showing off her boobs now. She said she has been wearing tighter tops. She asked Howard if he got her card thanking him for the bras. Howard said he did get that.
Howard said that Lisa met Mike Ditka and he's thinking that he wouldn't even be able to get a finger inside of Lisa. Lisa met him out at a party in South Hampton. Lisa said that he couldn't hear very well and she felt like she was talking to her dad.
Howard asked Lisa if she's in the radio hall of fame. She said she isn't but she did work at the station with Wendy Williams when she got into a fight with another DJ. Artie said that Dr. Dre and Ed Lover would get into that hall of fame before Howard would.
Lisa got to her news preview and read a story about how the black comedian who was added to the Don Imus show was not signed on to stay with the show. Howard said that had to be a publicity thing when they hired that comedian. Howard said he would love to have her on the show to talk to her about that whole thing. That led to Fred doing his Imus impression and talking about that whole thing like it was some kind of black insurance.
Lisa said that Rachel Ray is doing a special where they're going to be getting a bunch of charities together and Beth Stern will be part of that. Howard said Beth is part of a different charity every day. He said that she's going to be leaving him for like a month soon.
Howard said that Paula Abdul has to be out of her mind. He said that she's leaving American Idol and she's got nothing else going on in her career. Howard got sidetracked when he saw Robin's earrings that he got her for her birthday. Artie asked if they were more than the Mercedes he got her. Howard said they were just about more than that.
Howard said that Paula Abdul was making $5 million a year on that American Idol show. He said that she had a good thing going and she was as horrible as a human being could be at judging someone. Howard said if someone said to him that he could get $5 million a year doing that, he'd actually do it for $3 million... or maybe even half a million.
Howard said that job was easy for her and she should have used it and continued to use it to sell that awful jewelry of hers. Howard said that she had a presence and something to do every day. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Howard said they had to talk about Robin's appearance on the Joan Rivers roast some more. Robin said that she loves Joan and Kathy Griffin because they're almost the same person.
A caller brought up the roast and told Robin she did a great job and held her own on that show. The caller said that the roasts are very much like the roasts they do on Howard TV. Howard said that they didn't invent the whole roast thing so he's not going to take credit for that. The caller said the show is very much like what they do on Howard TV though.
The caller told Artie that he and Kathy Griffin have to do a movie together because they have a great chemistry when she comes in.
Another caller kept saying hello so the guys did their Three Stooges ''Helloooo, helloooo, hellooooo. Hello.'' The caller just kept doing it so Howard played along and kept saying hello back to the guy. The caller asked to speak to Howard so Howard said hello again and kept jerking the guy around.
The caller eventually said ''Oh boy...'' like he was getting frustrated. They threw in some Mike Walker ''Hello'' clips and some Three Stooges ''hello'' clips. Howard eventually played a Gary the Retard prank call where Sal and Richard kept saying hello to Gary until he got fed up and hung up on them after yelling ''No more god damn hellos!'' Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back singing along to the song. He didn't know who was singing it so Fred had to fill him in. Artie liked it because it sounded exactly like Neil Young's version. Howard wondered if they included the guitar break like Neil Young had in his song. He waited the song out to see if they did. While they waited they talked about Neil Young a little bit.
They got to the break in the song and they did the little guitar thing that Howard was thinking about but it fades out and it wasn't quite as strong as the original.
Howard said Gary was driving home the other night and he was listening to Bob Dylan doing his show. Howard said he was kind of envious of XM having Bob Dylan doing a show over there until they merged. Howard said he thought it was kind of cool that he was doing that and he had never actually heard the show.
Howard said Gary called and told him that he doesn't know a fuckin thing the guy was saying on that show. He was unintelligible. Howard said the music he plays is kind of out there too and nothing you'd want to hear. Robin said it might be interesting to hear for a moment.
Howard said he heard that Bob wants to leave now but they may have had enough of the guy. Artie said he's been dying to hear the show and he's never heard it himself. Howard said he guarantees that no one is listening. Fred said that Tom Petty has a show like that but he plays good music and he's understandable when he speaks.
Howard played some of the Bob Dylan show clips and he really is rambling and mumbling in a way that was pretty much unintelligible. He was talking about the blood of the lamb and what that was all about but a lot of what he was saying was hard to understand. That all led into a song.
Robin wondered if Dylan became a religious nut. Howard and Artie said that he was always kind of a religious nut. His songs were all based on religion. They talked about some of his songs and how they were influenced by the bible.
Howard played some more of Dylan's ramblings. He was going on and on about masturbation and what the guy who invented the graham cracker was doing to try and stop it. Howard said that guy is really out there and he's pretty wild. He said that he probably writes this stuff out himself and it sounds a little bit like he is reading this stuff as he's going on and on.
Howard said he interviewed Dylan's son, Jacob, a couple of times. He wondered if Bob scripted all of his speeches out for his son. Robin said she would have enjoyed that stuff as a child if that was her father.
Howard said he doesn't think that Dylan's show relates to anyone alive. He said there can't be anyone listening to that show at all. Howard read an article about his show where they say that he's articulate and does a great job with that show. That was in the Washington Post.
Howard said that Sal was at Ian's party and Sal ended up mooning people and doing stuff like that. Howard said he did like 50 things in a row to fuck up and insulted the woman whose party it was and things like that.
Howard had Gary come in to share some of the stories about Sal. Ian was still on the line asking ''hello'' like he didn't think they could hear him. Howard continued to dick him around with the ''hello'' thing. Howard said he can see why Sal ruined his party.
Howard said he got pissed off over vacation when he saw a reporter talking about the reason for SIRIUS XM doing poorly is because of the amount of money they pay Howard Stern. Howard said that he never has anything positive said about him. He said that Mel Karmazin has said that the one thing that does pay for itself is the Howard Stern Show. Howard said that the media hates him. He said that they refuse to give him any credit whatsoever. Howard said that the CEO of the company has said that his show pays for itself. He said that someone has to pick up on that story but they never do.
Howard said that this guy gets on the air and claims that he ruined the company all by himself. Howard said that there are many other shows on there that they pay big money to. Bob Dylan's show is one. Gary said he bets they pay that guy $5 million a year. Howard said that's insane. Howard said he loves that Bob Dylan doesn't even want to do the show anymore. He does like 1 hour a week. Howard and the guys goofed on Dylan for a couple more minutes.
Howard got back to Ian and Sal. He said he heard that Sal went over and drew jizz on the face of this woman whose picture they had hanging at the party. Howard said Ian wanted to send the picture to his mother-in-law and Sal ruined that.
Gary said that Sal insulted the hair of a woman who cuts dog's hair. Sal pissed her off and her husband came over and Sal insulted him too by saying that he looked like Dave Grohl with AIDS. Sal went off to some parking lot and ended up peeing in the parking lot. He was going to get a ride from someone and he insulted them by saying that their 17 year old son was out getting his asshole fingered by the chick he was on a date with.
Sal also did some things like hiding bananas around the house and things like that. Then he got sober the next day and sent the woman who he insulted some flowers.
Sal apparently told Gary that he didn't think that he was upsetting his wife at all. Then he tried to have sex with her the next night and she just held up her hand to him and said that they weren't going to be doing anything. Sal wondered if she was upset with him for what he did the night before. Gary said it was like he didn't know that's what it was about.
Gary said that Sal once pulled the plug on a TV as they were counting down to New Years Eve one time. He got into trouble for that but doesn't get why that's so wrong.
Sal came in and said that his wife was really quiet after the party. He thought that she was just being quiet and didn't know she was upset with him.
Howard asked Sal why he has to be the center of attention. Sal said he's really not. He hadn't had a drink in 3 months before that. Sal said he had to call Ian and apologize to him for insulting his sister. He said that he knows that you just don't do that kind of thing. He said he blacked out at the party and didn't know what he was doing.
Howard asked Sal how he drew jizz on the chick's face. Sal said it was like a big splat on her forehead. He said that she was wearing a skirt in the picture so he wrote ''Wish I was here'' and had an arrow pointing up the skirt.
Howard said that Sal is so starved for attention that he would rather act out than be ignored. Robin said that the only way they know to get attention is doing things like that.
Fred said that his theory is that Sal is just stupid. Howard said he's really not stupid. Fred said Sal knows that he's fucking up but he continues to do this stuff. Sal said he's better than he used to be though so he is learning.
Howard asked Sal if his wife is talking to him at all. Sal said she did tell him to give the kids a bath. Sal said that he thought the therapy was working when she wasn't saying anything to him. He said he thought she was putting up with his crap. Sal said that she looked at him and told him to get lost when he wanted to have sex with her on Saturday night.
Howard said that it's a shame that Sal's wife is so hot and she's stuck with him. Artie asked Sal if he really thinks that therapy is helping. Sal said that it is because he is changing. Artie said that he's really not.
Howard said that Dick Van Dyke was a comedy writer on his TV show and when he went home he was a normal guy. Sal isn't like that. Sal said he's trying his best. Howard laughed when he heard that.
Sal said that the heavy drinking was all about trying to forget about everything. He said that he's turning 40 soon and he figures his life is pretty much over already. He said that the guy he admires the most is saying that his wife is fucking someone else too. Artie said that no one is fucking his wife.
Sal said that he's not an alcoholic so he's going to continue to drink. He said he really doesn't have a problem with it. Howard told Sal that he's a good guy but he ruined this guy's party.
Howard had Ian tell his side of the story. Ian said that Sal also did an anti-Semitic rant at the party. Sal said he was praising the Jews at the party. Ian didn't remember exactly what he said. Ian said that Sal was doing some other stuff that insulted the people at the party.
Howard said Sal doesn't have a filter and he just can't behave. Howard said he wants to be the star of the party and he's acting like a baby throwing a tantrum when he does this stuff.
Artie said that when Sal tries to say stuff about the Jews it comes across like he's obsessed with them. Robin said that he believes all of the stereotypes and he brings that stuff up when he's talking about them. Howard told him to try and rise above it. Sal said he is.
Sal said that he was saying that the Jews come into a neighborhood and the property values go up. He said that's all he was saying. He said they're like the Viagra for real estate. Sal said he wasn't saying that other people aren't, but he appreciates that. Artie said that he is saying that others aren't good for property values.
Artie asked Sal to draw jizz on A-Rod's picture in the paper this morning. He said he wanted to see what his jizz drawing looks like. That led to Howard talking about A-Rod dating Kate Hudson. Then Sal talked about how these broads are just into guys because they're good looking and have some money. Artie talked about the Yankees and how they may make it into the playoffs this year.
Howard drew the load on the face of some guy in the paper and Artie said that it looked like it was raining from his hair. Sal said that was because it was a lot of jizz. Sal said he's embarrassed to face his therapist after what he did. Howard let him go after that.
Howard asked the caller who he thinks is good. The caller mentioned Dylan and Paul Simon and even said that the White Stripes are great. Howard said he's not that familiar with their music. Howard said there were a lot of great bands in the past and rattled off a few.
Artie said that the classic rock is gone and there just aren't great bands like there used to be. He said there are some good bands out there but the really great stuff in the past is just not happening now.
Howard told the caller to go relax and maybe go create some music himself. Artie wanted to keep going on about it but Howard said it was enough already.
Howard said he thinks that Eminem should just accept it and let it go. Howard said the guy is really angry in this song he did. He played some of the song and Eminem was going on and on about her. Howard said he just wants to tell the guy to relax.
Artie said that he's obviously using Mariah for publicity. Howard said it's still going too far with that stuff. He said he should just relax and lay off. He said she was nice enough to sleep with the guy and he's going on and on about it.
Robin said that whole thing has been going on for years now. Howard played more of the song and it goes on and on with Eminem going off on Mariah.
JD came in and said that he knows that he wants Eminem to calm down but this has been going on for years. He said Mariah has also dissed him on stage and in songs long before this. Howard said he didn't know that. Artie told JD to get out of there and called him a ''little faggot.'' Artie said that Eminem can rap pretty good. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that High Pitch Eric called a news station, NY1, over the vacation after the plane crash. He said it was perhaps the worst attempt at doing a prank call because he never got out anything funny. Howard said Eric was so proud of it even though it wasn't funny. Howard played the clip of him making that call that went horribly wrong.
In the clip Eric called in as an eyewitness to the helicopter and airplane crash in New York City. Eric said he saw the ''left rotor'' on the helicopter come off before the crash. They hung right up on him. Howard said he was so proud of that and he got nothing out. Howard said he speaks in a garbled way and the ''left rotor'' is just nothing.
Howard said he wants to talk to Eric about that and ask if it went the way he wanted it to. Artie said he thinks that he just dropped to the ground and started spinning around like Curly from the Three Stooges after that call.
Howard said they have Mr. Skin coming in tomorrow. He said he has to tell him to get that movie ''Spread.'' Howard said he's plugging that movie because he liked it so much. Howard said he also has to see that ''Inglourious Basterds'' movie that's coming out. That's a Quentin Tarantino movie. Howard said it looks good to him.
Howard asked Spyder if his hero is Casey Kasem. Spyder said he's really not. He said that he worked at Z-100 and some other stations around the country. He's been all over the place.
Howard asked Spyder what it is about Casey that makes him so great. Spyder said that Casey did well and he always kept it hanging and kept the people listening with his teasers. Spyder said that he doesn't tease like that, he just talks about Kelly Clarkson peeing in the shower and things like that.
Spyder joked that he had just come from making a speech at the Radio Hall of Fame where he was up against Riley Martin for being inducted.
Howard asked Spyder if he has large balls like he assumes all guys with deep voices do. Spyder said he actually does. He said his wife told him to tell the truth today so that's why he's admitting to that. Howard asked if his penis is big too. Spyder said it's normal sized.
Howard asked Spyder to show him his balls. Spyder said that's not going to happen. He said that sounds kind of gay. Howard said of course it is. Spyder said people warned him about coming on the show. He said he didn't think it was going to be so bad but as soon as he walked in the room he hit him with that stuff.
Spyder said that he heard the replay of Howard talking about him for the first time and he ended up yelling at the radio when he heard Gary saying he was going to try and call him. He knew he was listening to the replay but he was still yelling at the radio telling Gary not to call.
Howard asked Spyder when he became ''Spyder.'' Gary said that there's actually another Spyder Harrison out there and the guy is black. Howard asked if he was the first one. Spyder said that he isn't the first and he actually worked with that other guy when he was about 15 or 16. He said he had a horrific Brooklyn accent back then too.
Howard asked Spyder how he got that job. Spyder said he was doing public radio when he was in high school. Spyder told Howard how he used to do impressions of Imus when he was growing up so that's how he got into the whole thing.
Howard asked why he spells his name ''Spyder.'' Spyder said that when he was working at a station they gave him the name ''Harrison'' and when he was a kid he had friends who called him ''Spider'' and he saw it spelled ''Spyder'' on the back of a car one day. He said that he went on the air one day and just used the name ''Spyder Harrison.'' He said that he didn't know about the other Spider Harrison. He got a job at that same station that the other guy worked at and they had to give him a new name so they gave him RP McMurphy.
Spyder told Howard that he learned very early on not to date chicks he picked up on the phones. He said that they were usually psychotic or ugly. He said that he found his wife at a radio station but she wasn't a listener.
Howard asked Spyder to talk up a song for him. Howard played a song and Spyder talked up the new Black Eyed Peas song. He didn't hit the post so Howard wondered what was up with that. Spyder said that he can't hear very well because he's been listening to music in his headphones all these years. He said he has to listen really loud in his headphones.
Howard tried talking up the song after that. He hit the post like a pro. Howard said he did better than Spyder but Spyder has a better voice. Robin said it always sounds like Spyder is having a party in the studio when he's doing it.
Gary came in and said that Spyder is also known as JJ Walker on the 70s channel there. Spyder said that they're actually ''twin brothers.'' Gary said he's great on that channel just like he is on the other channel.
Howard asked Spyder to talk up the song again and he screwed it up again. He said that he did that because he didn't take his Aderol this morning. He said he has to take that for his A.D.D. It's supposed to make you more focused.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Spyder that she loves his stuff and so does her 17 year old daughter. She asked him where he lives because she's out in Bensonhurst. Spyder lived out that way too and he talked about the accent he used to have from living there. He said he got over that though.
Howard thanked Spyder for coming in and asked him to talk up a song for the 70s channel. Spyder said he wasn't in the right environment. Howard told him to just do it. Spyder did it as JJ Walker but he didn't hit the post on that song. He really was out of it today.
Howard had Fred play the song again so he could talk it up himself. He did a decent job doing that. Artie liked his talk up.
Spyder said that he and Howard have something in common and that is that Beth doesn't poop. He said his wife is the same way. He said he can never tell when she goes. Howard said that everything Spyder says in that voice sounds very important. Howard did an impression of him talking about his wife not pooping. He said it sounds so important to him.
Howard asked Spyder if he ever got caught listening to his own voice. Spyder said he actually hates his own voice. Howard said he hears Spyder when he's taking a shower and he can't even understand what he's saying most of the time but it still sounds good.
Howard asked Spyder to talk up one more song for them. Howard asked him what song he could talk up. Spyder asked for some Bel Biv Devoe ''Poison.'' Artie said he was hoping it would be a good song. Howard said it's all about the talk up, not about the song. This time he was able to hit the post and did a good job talking it up. Artie told him that he should have talked over the whole song. They went to break after that.
Howard said that John Hughes also died. Howard said that guy did a bunch of huge movies. They mentioned a bunch of them and talked about how amazing his career was .
Artie said he was reading about Hughes becoming pretty much a recluse after he did ''Home Alone.'' He ended up dying from a heart attack. Artie said he loved that movie ''The Breakfast Club'' because it reminded him of his Saturday detentions that he had just about every week in high school.
Howard found the Meg Griffin email. He read through it and found the part where she talked about Mink Deville's Willy Deville dying. Howard said of course he knew who Mink Deville was. He said that Meg used to talk about that band all the time. Howard said she would come on and tell him about going to see that band.
Howard was in the middle of the commercial and just realized that he was still in it. He played more of the tracks from the Woodstock album. Robin wasn't impressed with the audio quality because there was a lot of hiss on it. Howard said he may have to listen to disc 3 because that's the one that has Leslie West and Mountain on it. Gary said there are still some bands that won't sign off and let them put out their music.
Howard found the Mountain songs and saw that they only did 3. Howard played some of their stuff. Howard said he can't believe that they're not more celebrated. He said that they're still good today. He played a couple of their songs and wondered why their audio was cutting out in the middle of one. One of the songs was a little slow but Howard said it didn't stay wimpy for long. Howard wondered how many kids were conceived during that song.
Howard said they had some more Mountain songs. Then he realized it was the same stuff. He was trying to find a song that he thought they did but it wasn't there.
Howard and Artie talked about some of the other bands that were there at Woodstock. Howard wasn't sure who Burt Summer was so he wanted to play some of that.
Gary came in and said he had a list of bands that won't sign off on this new CD. There were a few like The Band that has never signed off on anything to do with Woodstock.
Howard played a song that Beetlejuice did where Leslie West played guitar. Howard said he thinks that Leslie did the guitar break in the middle. Howard said that's one of the best songs ever. Howard said that was after Woodstock of course.
Howard said that he heard that Leslie and Beetle stopped talking when Beetlejuice became a general. They talked about that song a little bit and Howard finished up his commercial for the Woodstock channel 16 at SIRIUS, XM channel 40.
Ralph called in and asked them to play the Woodstock Minute commercial with Larry Fine. Howard said they just played that recently during that Three Stooges special. That led to the guys talking about that special some more.
Howard said he's glad he didn't go to Woodstock. He can just imagine his parents showing up to pick him up. Fred tried to find the Woodstock Minute bit but he said it wasn't listed under that name. Howard asked the guys in the back to find it for him.
Howard let Ralph go but he wasn't able to come up with the Woodstock Minute clip. Howard had another commercial to read for this Woodstock movie that's coming out. He read that and finished up the longest commercial ever. Howard was surprised that they weren't able to come up with the Woodstock bit.
Howard had the audio of the interview and asked JD if he should play it. Gary told Howard that they were still working on getting the Woodstock Minute bit. He said they thought they had it in the system but it apparently wasn't in there.
Howard played the clip of Mary and Jimmy's interview. Howard said he loves the two of them and doesn't want people bad mouthing them. In the clip Jimmy asked Mary about going to Howard Stern's wedding. Mary talked about that a little bit.
Howard said he thinks that she was eating her heart out while that wedding was going on. Howard said he thinks that it may have been the hardest day of Mary's life that day. He said she must have been thinking about how it should be her up there. Howard said he could hear Mary's thoughts where she wondered why she wasn't ''the one.''
Howard played more of the clip and Mary was talking about how great it was working with Howard in ''Private Parts'' and how they've stayed friends all these years. Mary talked about Howard leaving her play ''Boeing Boeing'' at intermission. Artie got a laugh out of that part. He couldn't believe that Howard left in the middle of the play. Howard said he had to get home and go to sleep.
Howard said he liked that interview. He said he's not sure what the caller was talking about. Artie said that the caller may have seen one of the shows they do where they don't do the whole show for one audience. He said that happened to him once. He said that they had Jimmy interview Jessica Simpson for another audience and they used that on a different show.
Howard asked Ross Zapin, who was in Gary's office, what he thought of his beard. Ross said he needs to trim it a bit. Howard told Gary it looks horrible. He said it really looks terrible. Gary said he's not committed to it so he's probably going to get rid of it.
Howard said he never listened to Ross before about fashion but he told him to get these AG jeans and they're great. Howard showed off the jeans and Artie said his cock does look better in them.
Howard asked Ross about seeing Springsteen in Italy. Ross said it was great and they had 50,000 people in a stadium out there seeing it. He said the whole audience was singing along in English too. Ross brought along a sign with him hoping that Bruce would see the sign and play the song he wanted him to play. That was ''New York City Serenade.''
Artie said that he has seen Springsteen 50 times and he's never seen him perform that song. Ross has seen him 110 times. Gary said Ross keeps track of every show he goes to. He said that they get a set list sometimes and Ross refuses to look at it. Ross will hold onto that set list and file it away.
Howard asked Gary if his wife likes that beard. Gary said she actually does. Howard asked if she likes Santa Claus too. That led into the Three Stooges theemed Baba Booey song parody.
Howard said Sal was dancing along to that song and he had a big, gray beard on it now. Howard said Gary's teeth and lips look even bigger with the beard. Howard said it's like drawing a big circle around his lips and teeth. Artie said that would be like not being able to throw a pitch and throwing out the first pitch at a Mets game.
Howard asked Ross more about the Bruce Springsteen concert. Howard told Ross to take all of his ticket stubs and make a big, fake dildo out of them and have his wife, Melissa, fuck him in the ass with it. Howard asked Ross if he would like that. Ross said ''Yeah, possibly.''
Howard asked Ross if he would like them to fuck him in the ass with the first Springsteen ticket he ever got. Artie said he's looked at the ticket prices and he feels that he's already been fucked in the ass.
Howard said that they have a charity auction going on for the chance to sit in the studio. Howard said you can find that on ebay. The auction ends on Wednesday. He said they were finally ending the commercial they were in. It must have been even longer than I thought.
Steve said that Dolly Parton will not be recording a song about Howard Stern as previously reported. Howard said he would like to hear the song that she started to record because she was supposedly doing that before. Steve said that she doesn't have much of a sense of humor so they may never hear that song. Howard said he wants Steve to tell Dolly that they want to hear it there.
Steve said that Ivy Supersonic is out of the psych ward. He said that Ivy had some kind of certificate on her door claiming that she was a marksman so that may be why they had swat team show up at her door to take her out recently.
Steve mentioned that Dominic Barbara has been hired by the family of the woman who was involved in a car crash that killed a bunch of people recently.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Howard asked him if he was off last week. Jon said he was actually working. He said they have some ''Best of the Year'' stuff and other shows that he was helping out on last week.
Jon ran through his list of subjects for today's Wrap Up Show. During that Howard mentioned that another radio guy died while they were away. George Taylor Morris, who was working there at SIRIUS, had passed away last week. Howard said he was a good DJ there. Howard said he died of throat cancer at the age of 62. He read the obituary that he had about the guy.
Robin started her news with a story about Aerosmith's Steven Tyler breaking his shoulder when he fell off stage at a concert.
Robin read about Jay Leno's new show and how he lined up Kanye West and Rihanna being his first musical guest on the first show. Howard said Jay won't even mentioned Rihanna getting beat up. He said that show is going to be the biggest mess that NBC has had. He said that NBC has already fucked up by getting rid of Jay in the 11:30 time slot and putting Conan O'Brien in there. Howard said that from what he's been reading, Conan isn't doing too well with the ratings over there. He said that they also lost the greatest announcer of all time, Stuttering John, when they ended that Tonight Show with Jay.
Howard read about what Leno is planning to do with his show and it sounds like he's trying to throw in some comedy and mix in a little ''Top Gear'' (a BBC show about cars) by having guests try to turn the fastest lap in an electric car they'll have at a race track next to the set. Howard goofed on Leno for a few minutes about the bits that he's stolen from his show
Robin read a story about Eunice Shriver being hospitalized. Howard spent a short time talking about her and coming up with bits that Leno could do with her.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that Leno stole the car driving bit from a show called ''Top Gear.'' That led to Howard doing more of his Leno impression.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who was calling in about his prank call. Eric said that he was going to say that it was Artie Lange's helicopter that crashed. Artie said his mother would have loved to have heard that. Howard said the call never went anywhere. He replayed the call to show just how bad it was.
Howard told Eric the call was terrific and they're going to play it a bunch of times. Eric welcomed them back from vacation and also asked if it was true that Steve Grillo was hired to do the Stuttering John type of interviews like they reported in the NY Post. Howard said Steve put that in the paper but he will be doing that for them. Howard said they're going to see how it works out. Howard said Steve should downplay it because if it doesn't work out then it's not going to look good for him.
Howard wondered if they should steal that bit from Leno that Leno stole from a British show where they drive a car. He said they could have High Pitch Eric driving a car around a track. Howard said they'll probably have guests who aren't good talkers doing the driving. He said they'll have people like Heidi and Spencer or Melissa Rivers in that car. Howard said they might have people like Jack Hannah, Lisa Kudrow, Richard Simmons or people like that in the car.
Artie said he would go on and drive the car and not say a word on the show. Howard said he would like to drive the car right over Jay Leno. Howard said he would drive the car right off the track and right over to the Letterman studio to do an interview. Howard said no one wants to watch anyone driving around in a ''green'' car trying to set a lap time. He figured it would last just once and they'd get rid of the bit.
Robin got back to her news and read about how Michael Douglas' son was accused of selling meth. The cops claim he sold pounds of meth to people. Howard said he finds it hard to believe that anyone in the Douglas family can be big in any field they work in.
Robin read a story about an openly gay news anchor who has filed a sexual discrimination suit against his employers.
Robin read that they found cocaine in Billy Mays' system and that may have contributed to his death. Robin said that he died in his sleep back in June. Howard said you'd think the guy would feel good about himself doing that stuff and he wouldn't need to take coke.
Robin read that Posh Spice is going to come in and pick up where Paula Abdul has left off with American Idol. It's just temporary though. Artie wondered if Paula thinks that the ratings are going to be affected by her not being on. Howard said she may think that. Howard said it would be great if Paula auditioned for American Idol and had to be a contestant. He said she was very lucky to be on that show and it doesn't seem like a wise decision to leave.
Howard said he had Peter Asher from Peter and Gordon on the phone. He tried to pick up but there was no one there.
Robin read about a Spider-Man play that was in the works and how that's not working out so well. That got Howard making up his own songs for the play. He was coming up with lyrics for some music that Fred was playing for him. It did sound very similar to what a Broadway play about Spider-Man might sound like.
Robin read a story about one of the producers of the play that they've suspended work on the play because of a cash flow problem. Howard said they were probably all committed to Creedmore for even coming up with that idea.
A caller asked if Jackie Martling or Paula Abdul made the worst move. Howard said he'd say that Paula did. He said that's the worst move since Dunkleman left American Idol.
Robin read some news about Michael Jackson's kids and how there is a guy coming out and claiming that he's the biological father of two of the kids. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about how he wants to stay in their lives.
Robin had a story about Sarah Palin complaining about President Obama's health care plan and how it's going to end up making people kill themselves. Howard said that would help lower the cost of health care. Artie said he would off himself before he had to get long term care.
Robin had a story about a woman in Oregon who wanted to do this assisted suicide after her health care refuse to pay for cancer drugs. They were willing to pay the $50 for the drugs that would kill her.
Robin had some audio of a couple of people talking about the proposed health care plans. Artie said that Obama inherited a bowl of shit when he got elected. He said he wouldn't even know where to start with that crap.
Robin read that there was a Typhoon in China that flooded villages and left scores of people missing. It knocked out bridges and buildings as well.
Robin read about the helicopter and airplane that crashed over the Hudson over the weekend. Howard said he doesn't want to fly but he's going to have to go visit Beth when she's away for a month. He said it's turning into a whole test now. He said ''will you fly for me?'' as he was talking about that.
Robin read about the crash and Artie said that he lives right there. He said it was right in front of his house. He said he wasn't home at the time so he didn't see it happen. Robin said that there was one woman who wasn't on the helicopter. Her husband and son were on the helicopter and perished in the crash. The woman had just gotten over her fear of flying and didn't want to do the helicopter thing.
Howard said that the flying over the Hudson is apparently like the old west and people are on the honor system to warn other people. Robin said that they say that when you're off of Air Traffic Control they're supposed to switch over and tell these other pilots where you are. They apparently didn't do that.
Howard said Steve Grillo is saying that he wasn't the one who told the NY Post about his new job. Howard said it doesn't matter and they should just move on.
Robin read some news about Billy Joel having a new girlfriend. She saw a picture of him in the paper with this new woman.
Robin had some news about Kate Gosslin finally speaking out about her divorce. She's keeping her wedding ring on so she doesn't shock her kids. She had some audio of her talking about why she keeps it on. Howard said he's not sure why people are that interested in those people.
Robin had some audio of Neil Blomkamp, who directed ''District 9,'' talking about his movie. Howard gave that movie a good review before they went on vacation.
Steve Grillo called in but Howard told Grillo not to worry about the whole thing. He said it was too late to get into it now so he told him not to worry about it. Grillo said he just wanted to thank him. Howard let him go and Robin wrapped up her news with a story about Elisabeth Hasslebeck giving birth to a new baby boy. They ended the show around 11:10am.
Gary said he thinks that they should all be in the hall of fame but he can't go in before Howard does. Gary said it might be funny if they inducted him after the show ends though.
Gary said that he went to a couple of the dinners for the hall of fame and things seemed to be going pretty well for a while there. He said he was surprised to hear that the building was all boarded up now.
Jon asked Gary what he expected to happen when he showed up with the beard today. Gary said it wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be. He thought Howard would have been talking about it all day long. He said that 15 years ago he would have but he'd lightened up over the years.
Gary said that Doug took a picture of him with an intern and in the picture his face was all white. He said Shuli came in and told him to let it grow out some more.
Gary said he was thinking about shaving it this morning but he changed his mind because he's so lazy. He said he might give it a couple more days and then shave it. He said it's really itchy right now.
Benjy said that it does make him look older but he thinks he looks better with it too. Benjy asked if he put it up on his Facebook and let his friends decide. Gary said ''No, no, no no... I don't blow men...''
Jon took a call from a guy who told him to shave off the beard. Gary asked him if he's seen it yet. The guy said he hasn't but it's probably making him look old. The caller said he has the same thing going on and he looks 10 years older. Gary said he doesn't mind the gray in it but it might be a little whiter than he'd like.
Gary said Benjy is very well shaved today. He asked if he does that when they come back from vacation. Benjy said he did it last night.
Jon said that Artie lost more weight so he looked different. Gary said JD had more beard and less hair so he's surprised that Howard didn't say anything about that. Jon said that Robin was glowing from her trip to France too.
The guys talked about the names that Spyder goes under. Benjy was wondering why he uses JJ Walker and if that was to protect his trademark or something.
Jon asked Gary what he thinks it's like for other radio guys to come in there and be interviewed by Howard. Gary said that Howard didn't get into radio because of his voice like some people do. He said they come from two very different schools of radio and Howard is doing a different thing.
Gary talked about one guy they had on the show one time who taught him how to talk up the song ''Baker Street'' and the guy was able to talk it up for a minute. He said it's really like an art form to be able to do that stuff.
Jon brought up the Martha Stewart birthday wish that Howard did. Gary said he gets why they can't play that on her show. He said some of the stuff Howard was talking about could be a little offensive to her audience.
A caller suggested to Gary that he keep just a little hair under his lip instead of the whole beard. Gary said that's not for him, that's for douche bags. He said anyone over 35 who has that is a douche bag. He didn't realize that Jim McClure was in there and he was sporting a soul patch.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that they should they should change the Hall of Fame name to Bob and Ray. Gary said that's not really what they were going for with that discussion. They had to go to break a short time later.
Sal said he has lost perspective on some things and he doesn't trust himself anymore. He said that's why he goes to Gary with that stuff. He said he told Richard some of the story and Richard told him to go tell Gary. Sal said he knew that it was going to get on the air and it gets painful after a while. He said it hurts to hear some of that stuff about yourself sometimes.
Sal said that he was trying to lay low at the party and he wasn't going to drink. Sal said he didn't know that he was going to do what he did when he started drinking. Sal said he thought he'd get drunk and have a good time. He didn't know he was going to be insulting people at the party. Sal said his wife knows that he's got that stuff deep down inside of him and he gets very mean when he does that stuff.
Gary said that Sal told him that he was roasting these people and it was very mean spirited. Gary said it seems that it gave Sal the license to say what he wanted when he was drinking.
Sal said that the drinking lets him get stuff out of him. He said he's not even sure why he was going off on some of the people because they're nice people.
Gary said he heard Sal on camera today telling them that people don't always like those parties so he went out and said something to him about it. He said he had to ask Sal why he had to be the one to do that at a party and ruin it for people.
Sal said he went to a diner one time and there was a nice Jewish lady there next to him. He said that she was talking to the woman behind the counter and asked about another person getting engaged and married. Sal said that he interrupted and said that marriage turns into a disaster anyway. Sal said that the woman turned to him and told him that the woman wasn't going to get married because she and the guy who she was engaged with both had Down Syndrome. Sal said that was while he was waiting for some people to come meet him at the diner and he's not even sure why he chimed in.
Sal said that when he goes to parties and stuff he doesn't find anything interesting there. He said that his therapist tells him that he has to start respecting people's thoughts and feelings. Sal said he thinks that everyone is like that. Sal said that he gets really pissed and wants to stab people in the neck who are just going on and on about their jobs while they have bad breath and stuff.
Sal said guys don't care about going out to stuff like that. He said he'd rather just go home and have a sandwich than go to a party like that.
Jon asked Sal how he's making progress with this therapist. Sal said that in this party situation he may have gotten drunk but before that he was starting to listen to people while looking them in the eye. He said he was trying to take an interest in what people had to say. He said he tried to do that with his wife too and he was getting more involved. He said that was helping his relationship.
Sal said that he used to talk to his father about stuff and he'd just turn and talk to someone else in the middle of the conversation. He said he doesn't want to be like that himself.
Gary said he and his wife go out with friends and it seems like they like the same kind of people. He said that he can't remember ever wanting to stab someone in the neck with a knife. Sal said that hasn't happened to him lately either.
Jon asked about the racist stuff that he was saying at the party. Sal said that it wasn't racist, he was just hanging out with some Jewish people and he was talking to them about how they do things in a dignified way that other people don't do. He said that he has a lot of respect for the Jews.
Gary asked why they had to hear that from him. Sal said he was sitting around bored so that's what he brought up. Sal said that they're not into lasagne so what else is he going to talk to them about. Gary asked why they don't know about lasagne. Sal jokingly said that they're afraid of ovens.
Sal talked about drawing jizz on the face of the girl at the party and said that he would have laughed his ass off if someone else had done it too but he knows it's not nice. He hopes that they accepted his apology for doing it too. Gary said he thinks that Sal doesn't know that something is wrong until someone else tells him that. With that story though, he thinks that Sal knew it was wrong.
Benjy asked Sal if he was trying to punish his wife at that party by doing what he did. Sal said he wanted to go to that party. He wasn't trying to punish anyone. Sal said he wanted to just relax and have a good time at the party.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that maybe Sal should be like Richard and go with a chick who can accept him for who he is like Richard has done. Sal said that his wife married him for who he is but he hasn't evolved. He said he knows he needs to change. He doesn't think this kind of thing will happen much in the future.
Another caller said he has to go to parties like that once in a while and he drinks like Sal but that can be dangerous. He said that you can get plastered on the stuff that Sal was talking about... Captain Morgan's and Ginger Ale.
The caller said that he doesn't have a drinking problem but Gary told him that what he just described is a drinking problem.
Ralph called in and said he was trying to figure out what Sal was talking about with the Jewish thing. Sal tried to explain it again and said that he just respects the way they act and do things. Sal said that they turn out to be just as sleazy and creepy as he is when they're in private. Sal said that he finds it surprising when they're just like him. He said he's not trying to bring them down but when they are at his level then he respects it.
Sal said that when he goes out with Ralph then he gets a different Ralph. It's the same with ''them.'' Gary asked Sal to say ''them'' some more. Sal said he wasn't trying to say anything bad.
Another caller said that Sal is the reason that women hate men. Sal said he's not sure about that. He said that he's not that guy but the caller insisted that he is. Sal said he might be when he drinks but not all the time. Sal said that he sees those guys with big muscles being those types. Gary gave Sal some advice to think about what he's going to say a couple of times before he actually says it. He said that if it doesn't sound good in his head he probably shouldn't say it. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started the show talking about how he couldn't wait to get back today. He said he was looking forward to doing another show today. Howard also turned off everyone's microphones in the studio. Robin said maybe they should all leave. Howard told her to do what she has to do.
Howard said he was looking at the front page of the newspaper today and it's all about Hillary Clinton. Howard said that Bill Clinton did something cool and got those chicks out of China but Hillary is upset about it. Howard said she's acting competitive with Bill. Robin wondered if they were asking to speak to Bill over in the Congo.
Howard said Hillary was in the Congo and someone asked her what Bill would think of what's going on over there. Hillary responded saying that she's the congresswoman and not her husband. Howard said the interpreter fucked up and it was supposed to be a question about what president Obama thought of the situation. That made Hillary freak out.
Howard said Obama is very calm on TV and that's the way everyone has to act. He said when you explode it makes things look even worse. Howard said Hillary looks cuckoo when she freaks out like that. Howard said he loves Hillary and he was a big supporter of her's, but that purple pant suit she's wearing doesn't look good. He said she has to talk to someone about that.
Artie said that A-Rod is having the worst year of his career. He said he only has 21 homers and he was playing like shit but now he's starting to play better.
Howard said he was out to dinner with Beth one night and she was his girlfriend at the time. Howard said he wanted to impress her. He said that Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger were out at this restaurant they were at. Howard said he went over to impress her by saying hello to them. Howard said he was going to show Beth how important he was in show business. Howard said that Beth wasn't around to see him sign 25,000 books when he was doing that.
Howard said he went over and said hi to Heath Ledger and he just looked up, grunted, and then went back to talking to Michelle. Howard got on the air the next day and had a tantrum because the two of them had emasculate him. Howard said Heath called him at home and apologized for that because he had berated him for an hour. Howard said that Heath said he didn't mean anything by it and told him not to worry about it.
Howard said he told Heath that he was just trying to impress his girlfriend at the time. Howard said he could have helped him out with that.
Howard said Heath had told him he was in a very important discussion and that's why they didn't stop and say hi to him. Howard said he still could have helped him out though.
Howard said that A-Rod is being motivated by Kate Hudson to do his best. Howard said you work extra hard for those hot chicks. Artie said that Jeter works hard even if there aren't any hot chicks around. Robin said that's because he knows he can move on to the next one.
Robin said she heard a golfer talking about the kind of money he can make without even winning. They can make millions without winning a tournament. Howard said that ain't right.
Howard said he would never do business with Michael Jackson. He said he didn't handle his money very well and he wouldn't have gotten involved with the guy. Robin said that he had gotten sued by some prince that he was living with in Bahrain. Artie said Jackson was like a high level Captain Janks because he was getting money up front.
Howard said he was reading about this woman who had died and left $100,000 to a Hebrew university. She was a homeless woman but she had all of this money. Howard said she was like 90 years old and would do favors for this guy who was very kind to her. Howard said there are weird stories like that around and you never know. He said this woman had the money to live a nice life but she was out on the streets probably because of a mental illness.
Howard said in this movie ''Spread'' they have Anne Heche getting fingered and it's very cool to see. He said he didn't know that Anne was so hot. He said that Ellen Degerneres is a smart ''dude'' and ''he'' knows what he's doing to get these hot chicks like Anne Heche.
Howard took a call from a guy who was talking about himself a little bit too much. Howard was about ready to hang up on him until he asked him to get to his point. The guy continued to go on and on about his own life so Howard had to hang up on him.
Another caller said that he saw the Joan Rivers roast and he wondered why they lie to Robin so much. He said that Robin looks hideous on that show. He said she looked like the Predator. Howard said the Predator was a guy. Robin doesn't look like a guy. The caller said all they do is lie to her.
Howard said that if they were lying to Robin he wondered why this guy would call in and tell her that she looks awful. The caller said Howard looks better than Robin and he would do him before her. The caller said he'd even do Benjy before he'd do Robin. Howard said that was killing Robin.
The caller said he had something else to talk about too. Howard said that was wild to go from bashing Robin to talking about something else. The caller was talking about something in the paper about Howard getting a hotel room for Woodstock. Howard said he knows nothing about that. Howard said he has stuff written about him all the time that's just not true. He said he once had a story written about him buying a car for a stripper and that wasn't true. He said he told Richard Johnson he'd give him a million bucks if he produced that stripper and the car. It never happened.
Howard said he would never go to Woodstock and he was reading about how awful it was up there when the original concert happened. Howard said he would have ''headed for zee hills'' if he was up there and saw that going on. Howard said he wants to go to a real place where they have seats so he can sit down and watch a concert.
Benjy found an article about Howard trying to get a room back in 1999 for the show up there. Howard said that was a lie. He said that he never tried to get a room and he would never go up there to celebrate. Howard said it was a bunch of filthy, dirty hippies up there.
Artie said he went to a Super Bowl game one time and that's the last time he'll ever do that. He said he's going to watch from home from now on.
Howard said he's going to try and guess how old Robin is today. She just celebrated her birthday last week. Howard guessed she was 57. Robin said he was right on the nose. Howard said that she doesn't look that old. He didn't know what the caller was talking about. Howard said he knew the guy was lying when he said he'd do Benjy over Robin.
Howard played the clip of Greg Giraldo roasting Kathy Griffin first. He got in some good ones about Kathy Griffin. Howard said he really is good. Robin said he was very funny. Greg also got in some jokes about Carl Reiner, Robin Quivers, Mario Cantone, Brad Garrett, Whitney Cummings, Tom Arnold and then Gilbert Gottfried. Howard said Greg was very strong on that roast. Then Greg got to Joan Rivers. Greg went off on her about her voice, her plastic surgery, her age and more.
Howard said that was really good. Artie said Greg always does well on those roasts. Howard had corrected Artie on his grammar in that comment. Artie said that Greg always does good and Howard corrected him to say he does ''well.''
Howard said he was watching ''America's Got Talent'' with Beth the other night and this Nick Cannon acts like he's retarded on that show. Howard said he said something that was really dumb and he wrote it down for Jason to print out. Howard said his Blackberry may not have sent it to him. Gary said Jason was saying he didn't get it.
Howard said the sentence was something like ''What does these contestants has to do...'' or something like that. Howard told JD to try pulling the clip so maybe he can get the full quote. Howard checked his phone to see if he had it in there. Howard said his system isn't working. He has Jason to send his thoughts to but his thoughts aren't getting to him.
Howard said the sentence was something just stupid and he figured that Nick Cannon can't possibly be that stupid. He has to be putting that on for the TV show. Howard said it's not a racial thing either. He said that he was wondering if a guy could be playing it up that stupid to be the host of that show.
Robin said that there are some middle class black people who want to be relevant on the street and that's why they do that impression of that language. Robin said he seems to be taking it way back to slave days instead though.
Howard said it was kind of weird. He said he likes him better than Jerry Springer. He said that was like watching a Geritol commercial or something when he was on it. Howard said it brings the age down for the show with Nick Cannon hosting.
Howard said he saw Jerry Springer talking about his show and how he was embarrassed by it. Howard said that doesn't say much for him and for the people who sponsor his shows or even his fans.
Howard read the article about the hall of fame and how it was having trouble finding funds. Howard said they were going to have this 50,000 square foot space for the Radio Hall of Fame and now it's all fallen apart and they can't get the funding. Howard wondered why Wendy Williams and Casey Kasem don't put up the money for the hall of fame.
Gary saw that the guy who runs the Radio Hall of Fame, Bruce Dumont, has a show of his own that airs just one night a week for 2 hours. He said that he's on in a bunch of markets but they're all tiny markets. There are only two big city markets.
Howard said the guy looks like Larry ''Bud'' Mellman too. He said that he looks like he's fat and every unhealthy. Howard said the guy must think that he belongs in radio because his family was in radio. Howard said that the guy's show is called ''Beyond the Beltway'' and it's apparently so far from it that no one knows where it is.
Gary said they're working on some stuff to get him into some of the gigs. Gary said that he's not sure how they tracked him down because Steve was the only one who knew that he was hired to do it.
Howard said the article came out and it was a big story so Steve is probably thinking that he's going to take over as the announcer for the Tonight Show. Howard said Steve claims he didn't call them about it but he's wondering how else it would have gotten into the paper. Steve works in a pizzeria and he claimed to be partners there but he also has to deliver pizzas for them.
Howard said he was thinking about Steve because he dedicated a book to the guy. Howard said he's already fucking up this job and he's not even on the job yet.
Howard did his Steve Grillo impression and made up a voice mail that he could have left for the Page Six people. Robin wondered why they would be interested in that story at all. Howard said he had to read the article because it was a fairly big mention. Gary said he was getting the article for him.
Howard said he was talking to Ralph yesterday about Grillo and asked him how he could be fucking up already. Howard said he's not even back for a day and he's fucking up already.
JD came in and told Howard to make sure he plays the Gilbert Gottfried roast clip. Howard had to read the Grillo article first. Howard went through that where they plug the pizza place that Grillo is ''running'' called Hell's Kitchen Pizza. Howard said that Steve claims that he didn't give them the story but they plug his pizza place and have details about what he'll be doing. Howard said it was a pretty big mention. Howard said Steve is just trying to get some attention for that pizza place. Artie said he wants to try that place after reading that article.
Gilbert claimed that he had done a bunch of Joan Rivers impersonators before doing the real thing. He talked about what it was like touching her and how it was like a dead Komodo dragon. Gilbert said he was blinded by a flurry of bats when he went down there for the first time. Gilbert said it filled the room with rainbows and unicorns. Gilbert said she told him to fill her with his seed so she could live another century.
Gilbert was giving every detail of what it was like having sex with her. He said she slithered away into an open drain pipe when they were done. Gilbert said he hasn't been able to open his eyes since seeing that.
Howard said Gilbert really gave it to Robin in that clip. Artie said that he can do all of that but he's not allowed to talk about Melissa.
Robin said that Jeffrey Ross was very funny and so was Whitney. Howard played some of the Jeffrey Ross roast segment. Jeffrey was talking about how old Joan was and what a legend she was. Howard said Jeff is really good and he's his favorite guy at the roasts. Artie said he always does ''good... does well'' at those roasts.
Howard played more of the Jeff Ross clip and he was saying that Kanye West's mom had a better plastic surgeon than Joan does. He also said that he would fuck her like there's no tomorrow and that's a good possibility with her. He said she's also like a cougar... Freddy Cougar.
Jeff was also saying that he wouldn't even fuck Kathy Griffin with Chastity Bono's new dick. Jeff congratulated Carl Reiner on being on color TV for the first time. He had jokes about some of the other people and then hit Robin. He said without the Howard Stern Show the only thing she'd be saying into a microphone is ''Welcome to Popeye's. May I take your order?''
Jeff had some Melissa Rivers jokes too. Artie wondered how he got away with that. Robin said that some of the people had jokes about Melissa and they allowed them. Howard said he had to take a break but he was enjoying the roast clips so maybe he'd play more later.
Howard said he tells everyone to stay out of the studio but Gange thinks he's so important he has to talk to Robin during the break.
Howard and Fred did their impressions of Gange and goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Howard said Robin is busy during the breaks and she doesn't need to be interrupted like that. Howard said that guy is a waste of time. Howard said he could have done it after the show and not in the middle of a break. Howard said he's on that Facebook 24/7 so maybe he should have written it to Robin there.
Robin said she went to a play with Mike one night and he had his Blackberry out ready to update his Facebook account. Howard said he just read the latest post from Gange and it was about him sweating his ass off at a Yankee game. Howard said there's no time that he's not sweating.
Howard went off on Gange again and told him that he can just email her instead of interrupting the show. Howard said he never comes into the TV room and bothers them. He said he respects his job and Gange doesn't seem to respect his. Gange said he gets it and he's sorry for what he did.
Howard asked Gange if he has a girlfriend yet. Gange doesn't so Howard said that's not surprising since he's so grating. Howard told him not to interrupt anymore and to go find a Miss Howard TV to bother. Gange said he's working on the next one.
Howard moved on to his commercial for Klondike bars. During that they talked about how Fred the Elephant Boy apparently took a whole case of Klondike bars home when he was up there to do Superfan Roundtable recently. Howard wondered who is letting him take that stuff. Gary wasn't sure about that.
Howard came back from break and said that something beautiful had just happened. He said that he had Mark on the phone and he was going to say what he has done. Mark started to explain it but Howard cut him off and said that the guy has started his own Radio Hall of Fame and he has inducted Howard Stern. Howard said he was going to cry over this. Howard asked what the name of it is. Mark said they're calling it the Howard Stern Radio Hall of Fame. Howard thanked him for that. He pretended to be very honored by that and pretended that he was about to cry like Wendy Williams did when she was inducted into the hall of fame.
Howard played a call that Sal and Richard made to Wendy the Retard using the clips from the Wendy Williams show where they told her that she was being inducted. Wendy the Retard said that was cool and she couldn't wait. They had that Bruce Dumont guy telling Wendy the Retard that she was inducted and fans of her's had voted her in. Wendy had no clue what was going on. She just kept saying ''cool!'' Then she asked the guy to call her back because her sister had to use the phone.
Howard said he understands Dr. Demento being inducted but he doesn't understand someone like Tom Joyner being in the hall of fame. Howard said all he did was play music and fly back and forth to different markets he was on in.
Lisa said she has a story about Stuttering John wanting to do his own radio show. She said he posted something on his Facebook account about that. Howard said ''Ahhh'' and paused for a few seconds while he waited for Lisa to continue. She wondered if John needs another job.
Howard said John was very excited to get that job on the Tonight Show as the announcer. He said that things turned awkward pretty quickly. After a while John was just sitting there hoisting his coffee cup to Jay Leno. Howard said that was his whole role on that show. Howard said Jay tried to speak to John on the show for the first few nights but that soon stopped.
Fred was doing his Stuttering John impression and said something kind of racists so Howard stopped him and asked if he thinks John would really say that. Fred said that John has used the N-word to describe fireworks he called ''nigger chasers'' one time. Artie said that was one of his favorite moments from the show when John thought that wasn't offensive.
Howard said John isn't going to be the announcer on the Tonight Show anymore. They're creating this new show for Jay Leno and John is going to be a writer there now. Howard said he thinks Jay is keeping John there so he doesn't have to fire him. Howard said he's pretty sure Jay is keeping him there because he knows that he'd point out what a scumbag he is if he did fire him.
Artie said he has spoken to John and John thought he was going to be on air a lot. That didn't happen. Artie said that they're going to have like 10 guys on that show as correspondents and John isn't going to be one of them. He said that might be kind of insulting to him.
Howard said that being a writer on the Tonight Show is a big deal so maybe that is something that will look good on his resume in the future. He said that's a pretty coveted job so maybe John will like doing that. Robin said that he has told her that he was writing for the show even when he was the announcer.
Howard said he had dinner with John recently but he didn't say anything about Jay or anything about the writing gig.
Artie said that even the last paid guy on the Tonight Show makes 6 figures a year so he should still be doing okay out there.
Lisa G said that Ice T was on the Miserable Men show recently and he was talking about his past problems with Howard that he's over now. Howard said he's glad to hear that because the guy wanted to kick his ass in the past.
Lisa said that she spoke to the woman whose party Sal ruined over the weekend. Lisa had some quotes from her about seeing Sal's penis and things like that. Howard said Sal was playing that ''What's in my pouch'' game at that party. Sal told him that he was putting coins in there when he played that.
Howard asked Sal how his vacation was. Sal said that it is what it is and he just has to deal with it... like dealing with being in traffic.
Sal said that the woman whose party he ruined was okay with the whole thing but his wife was kind of upset about it. Sal said that she never addresses that stuff to him in their private life so Howard is helping him figure out what he's doing wrong. Sal said he's just taking it day by day.
Howard asked Sal if he's ever embarrassed by what he does. Sal said it's beyond embarrassment. He said he's sold his soul to the devil and he's got no dignity left at this point. Howard said it seems that he's so starved for attention that he's throwing away the dignity himself.
Howard asked Sal what he means by the deal with the devil thing. Sal said he decided to cross that threshold of humility and he can't go back. Howard asked Sal what he got from making that deal with the devil. Sal said he improperly put that phrase together. He said that's just the wages of what he does to do funny stuff.
Howard said that he thinks that he's the devil in that whole thing because Sal has to do crazy stuff to get on the show. Sal told Howard that he loves being on the show and he felt he had to do these crazy, insane things to get on the show. Howard asked why he has to do that stuff at a party though. He doesn't have to do that to be on the show. Howard asked if he was doing that stuff at the party for him. Sal said he didn't even want to talk about it on the air so it wasn't being done for Howard.
Howard said he loves when Sal explains himself because it sounds great. Robin said it sounds crazy. Howard said Sal did send him the picture of himself mooning a chick at the party.
Howard asked Lisa if she could date a guy who is always doing that stuff. Lisa said that she couldn't but Sal's friend Laura loves it. Howard said she might but his wife doesn't. Artie said that he never thought he'd say this but ''Sal, you're not making any sense.''
Sal said that he loves his wife and that she puts up with his bullshit. He didn't get to have sex with her at all during vacation though. Sal said the party happened early on in the vacation and she told him to ''get lost'' when he asked to have sex with her.
Howard told Sal he sounds retarded. He was talking about how he doesn't understand why his wife is upset with him after doing all of this stuff at the party. Howard said Sal thinks that she's not talking to him because she's trying to deal with him but she's really pissed off at him. Sal said that's why he's going to therapy. He's trying to figure this stuff out.
Howard said Sal doesn't care about his wife. Sal said he wouldn't shell out the cash for the shrink if he didn't care about her. He said that he went to marriage counseling with her and she said that she could have bought a pair of jeans with that money after the first session.
Howard said he knows how to phony it up when he's off the air. He knows how to act around people to make it seem like he cares. He said that's what Sal has to learn to do.
Howard played some audio from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Sal was talking about the Jews at the party he was at. Howard told Sal that he sounds so stupid when he's talking about ''you all'' when referring to the Jews and using those stereotypes. Sal said that he wasn't referring to one group of people as all of the Jews, it was the group he was around. He said he was observing and addressing what he was seeing.
Howard said Sal isn't saying what other people are thinking. He's saying what he's thinking and no one else is thinking what he's thinking.
Fred asked what Sal was thinking when he sniffed the panties of that young girl that time. Howard said that was old news. Sal asked Fred what he was thinking when he had the tranny on his lap at his bachelor party. Fred said he was drunk that day so he doesn't remember. Sal said he was drinking at the party. They said he wasn't drinking the time he did the panty thing though.
Howard said Sal would be better off getting drunk and fondling a gay guy. Sal started to explain himself again and said that they're putting a spin on everything he says. Artie said they don't have to do that. Sal is doing it himself.
Sal said he could cure cancer in children and they'd still call him an asshole. Howard played some more audio of Sal on the Wrap Up Show where one caller said he was the reason that women hate men. Sal said he didn't think he was the reason but the caller insisted that he was.
Howard said Sal ran out after that. He said he's just trying to help the guy. Robin said he doesn't understand anything Howard is saying.
Artie said he had an uncle who used to get drunk and he once said ''Alls I know is that the Jews must have done something really bad to upset Hitler.'' That's the kind of stuff they think Sal is doing.
Howard said Sal had run out of Gary's office and the guys thought he looked like he was going to cry. Sal came into the studio and said that he had to step away because it's getting to be too much. He said he didn't want to keep talking about this stuff.
Howard said he's trying to help Sal out by giving him some advice on what to do around his wife. Howard said he can't be going to parties and acting like an asshole.
Sal said he doesn't know how to get to that point. Sal said he just doesn't know. Artie asked him what he does know. Sal said he does know that you don't lose weight on a Jet Ski. That was the second time he brought that up with Artie this morning.
Howard said Sal wants to be special in any way he can and that's why he's acting out. He said he so badly wants to be seen that he's got to do this stuff. Sal said he's really not that extreme. Howard said he thinks that he's envious of that woman whose party he was at. Sal said he loves that woman and that's not what it was about.
Howard said Sal hates women so much because they get attention when they walk in the room. Howard said that's what this is all about. Sal said that's not it. He said he doesn't want to be a pretty woman. Howard said he does want to be the person who gets all of the attention in the room. Sal said he's not sure about that.
Robin said that Sal ruined that party and that's what the party is going to be known as now. It's going to be the party that Sal ruined instead of being ''Laura's party.''
Fred played some ''Pretty Woman'' as they were talking about this. Gary called in as Sal's wife's ''emotional friend'' and goofed on Sal for a few seconds. Sal didn't know it was Gary. Sal said it's the first time that Gary has been able to prank him without him knowing.
Howard asked Sal about the way his father treated him and wondered if that has to do with the way he acts now. Howard said that maybe Sal is upset that his wife is taking away attention from him and that's why he acts out around her. Sal said that's not what it's about and he's not doing that stuff for those reasons. He said he just gets bored.
Howard told Sal to feel what's going on inside of him and not act out when he goes to these parties. Howard told him not to worry about what people are thinking about him and that he's not getting attention. Howard said that the drinking is the baby bottle for Sal.
Howard told Sal to stop avoiding his gaze. He told him to look at him because he was telling him he has to start believing in himself and that he doesn't need attention from his daddy. He can give some attention to other people at these parties.
Fred asked Sal if his father paid attention to him when he was misbehaving when he was younger. Sal said of course he did. Howard said that Sal's wife has turned into his father in the way that she's paying attention to him for what he does when he fucks up.
A caller asked Sal how he doesn't get the shit beat out of him at these parties when he fucks up like this. Sal said he's got some ability to avoid that kind of thing. Sal said he's a nice guy and he gets along with people very well.
The caller said that if he were Mutt and Sal had put his daughter's panties on his head, things would be over with. He doesn't understand how Sal avoids getting beat up.
Sal talked about one guy he saw at a party one time. He said that the guy was this big black guy and he saw him out rapping while he was sitting on a car. Sal was rapping at the time so he walked past the guy and started rapping himself. He didn't remember the rap but Howard insisted that he do some rap for them. Sal said that he can't do it, it's so awful. Sal did a little bit of his rap and the guy jumped in and started rapping with him but got into his face. Sal said he and the guy were having a rap battle and he just kept going. Sal said he out battled the guy and won the rap battle.
Sal said that the other guy's friends said that the white boy had just taken him down. Sal said the other guy gave up and he buried his head in his hands. Sal said that he had one other mother joke where he said she's so old she looks like a prune. That led to the guy punching him out. Sal said he got knocked to the ground and ended up spitting blood. Sal said that the guy told him ''Don't talk about my mother, she raised me for 9 months.'' Sal said they all walked away and he left. Sal said that his one tooth ended up having nerve damage and ended up turning black. Artie said that was irony right there.
The caller asked Howard if he thinks that Sal can do irreparable damage to the show if he keeps saying some of the comments he makes. Howard said that won't happen. The caller said that Sal doesn't seem to know what he's saying when he says a lot of the things he says.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Sal is going to be homeless in a year when Howard retires. Sal said he might do bartending or something. The caller said that people are going to laugh at him when he goes to get a job.
Howard said that Sal and Richard have their own studio to work in and they have a very cool job. Howard said he does worry about Sal. He said he feels he has to stay in the business because of that. Sal said that he can be successful in something else. He said he always has been successful at the things he's done. Artie said he's worried about everyone but Sal.
Another caller asked if Sal was at an amusement park a few weeks ago. Sal said he was at Dutch Wonderland with the family. The caller said that he seemed to be a very caring father with his kids and he's wondering why his wife is so upset with him.
The caller wondered if it's all bullshit because it seemed like they were getting along at the park. Howard said that he can tell that it's not bullshit. Sal said that he was moving forward with his wife that day and it was the next night that he fucked things up by going to that party and doing the things he did. That was like taking 10 steps backward.
Sal apologized to Artie for the comments he was making about the Jet Ski thing. Sal said he heard that Kirstie Alley's Jet Ski broke down and that's why she gained all of that weight back. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and took a call from a woman who asked about Gilbert Gottfried on the roast. She said that it seems that his back or legs are hurting him really bad. Howard said he's not sure if he's in pain or just looks that way. Robin said she looked fine when he walked back to his seat. Robin said she watched him going and coming and it might be an anxiety thing with him.
The caller also said that Howard had her cut out the picture of Robin from the National Enquirer and hang it on her refrigerator. Howard didn't remember having her do that.
Howard said that Mr. Skin was there and he brought his wife with him. Howard said that must be Mrs. Skin. Howard said he wonders what it's like for her to have Mr. Skin as a husband. Howard said they have daughters and he wonders if she's proud of that whole thing.
Howard got back to the Joan Rivers roast and played Whitney Cummings roast of Joan. She started by saying ''Give it up for Chucky'' when she was referring to Kathy Griffin. Howard said that he got a copy of Kathy's book and she dedicated some pages to the show in that. He said he liked what he read but he didn't read the whole book.
Howard played more of Whitney's roast segment. She joked about Gilbert's squinting and how should stop trying to find Jeff Ross' cock because it'll never happen. Whitney had a lot of jokes about Robin as well. She was the one who said that she has had so few black guys that Abercrombie and Fitch took out an ad on her taint.
Whitney also had some stuff about Greg Giraldo and more Jeff Ross jokes. She also had a couple of quick ones about Tom Arnold and then got into roasting Joan. She joked about liking Joan in ''The Wrestler.'' She joked about what her vagina might look like and how it's so old it must have a separate entrance for black cocks.
Howard asked Mrs. Skin what it's like being married to Mr. Skin. She said that her friend wanted to be there when she told her father that she was dating Mr. Skin. She wanted to see the look on her father's face.
Howard said it must be hard to explain this stuff to their kids. Mr. Skin said that they're 5, 3 and 2 years old so they're still very young to understand this stuff.
Howard said he had three daughters and it had to be very confusing for them. He said that Mr. Skin is watching dirty movies and writing down where the dirty parts are.
Mrs. skin met Mr. Skin before he even started the web site so he was doing that stuff without the web. Mr. Skin said that the web site just gave him credibility.
Mrs. Skin said that Mr. Skin is very intelligent and it's not just about the dirty movies. Howard and the guys corrected her and said that he's ''skintelligent.''
Howard asked what Mr. Skin's rap was when she met him. She said he didn't have one. She said that she knew that he was Mr. Skin and he didn't even have a web site back then. Mr. Skin was known as ''Mr. Skin'' even before the web site. Mr. Skin said that he had this thing that he was doing as just a guy who knew the dirty parts of movies. He said that he started doing radio shows and started going on as ''Mr. Skin'' on a radio show in Chicago.
Howard asked Mrs. Skin how long it took before she banged him. She said it was actually pretty quick. She said that they knew each other about a month before the started dating. Howard asked if he played it cool when he saw her boobs. She said that he did play it very cool. Mr. Skin said he saw side boobage first and then full frontal.
Howard asked Mr. Skin if he said anything perverted when he saw them. Mr. Skin said that it wasn't like that but he could have said he saw fur burgerage or something like that. Howard said he doesn't know Mrs. Skin very well but she has to be at least a D-cup. Howard asked whose boobs he could compare them to. He said that it would be Monica Belluci's.
Howard asked if Mrs. Skin if she ever helps out with finding the boob shots. She said that she will mention stuff to him but she doesn't do it as a job.
Howard asked if Mrs. Skin hears crap from people asking her why she's with Mr. Skin. She said that they have friends who know that he has knowledge of other things than the Mr. Skin stuff.
Howard asked what they do when they take the kids somewhere and if they tell the teachers who they are. Mr. Skin said they say he does computer consulting. He said he will have to tell the kids what he does some day though.
Howard asked Mr. Skin if it's tough now that there are so many web sites out there doing this. Mr. Skin said they have a great database and they're ahead when it comes to that. He said they're still growing.
Howard mentioned this movie ''Spread'' that has a lot of sex scenes. Mr. Skin was very aware of it. He said that his ''Skin Scouts'' know about it already so they're very aware of it. He said that it's thrilling when a movie like this comes out these days because it's hard to find them.
Howard asked Mrs. Skin if she's ever caught Mr. Skin beating off to these movies. She said that she hasn't but she knows that he does his thing. Howard asked if she beats off herself. She said she might have to do that once in a while. She said it's not because he's not delivering the goods though.
Howard asked if Mr. Skin is weird in bed because he's seen so many things. She said he is a boob guy but he's not weird. Howard said he's more of a just ''put it in'' kind of guy. Mr. Skin said he likes the girls with the real big breasts.
Howard asked Mr. Skin if he plays with the breasts even when he's inside of her. Mrs. Skin said that her father was listening to this. Mr. Skin said that he never ignores the boobs.
Howard said the web site, MrSkin.com, is doing great. They just celebrated their 10th anniversary.
Mr. Skin said that they've been counting down the top 100 nude moments in movies. He had the top 10 today. He said that number 10 was Anne Hathaway in Havoc. Robin said she's never been able to get through that movie. Mr. Skin seems to like it though. He said that you can see Anne nude 36 minutes in. He said that she was in the Princess Diaries and now she's an academy award winner after doing this movie.
Next up was Alyssa Milano in Embrace of the Vampire. They had some shots from that movie up on the monitors. They spent a short time talking about that. Mr. Skin said that she is the most searched actress on their web site. Mr. Skin said you can see her nude 50 minutes into the movie.
Number 8 was Eva Green in ''The Dreamers.'' Mr. Skin said that she has some of the best natural breasts out there.
Number 7 was Halle Berry in ''Swordfish.'' Mr. skin said you get a good shot of her breasts in that movie. He said she has done some other topless stuff though. He said they're not sure if they're real boobs or fake but they're leaning toward real.
Number 6 was Kelly Preston in ''Mischief.'' Mr. Skin said that she was only 21 at the time and it was in the good ol' days when they were doing nude scenes in the 1980s. He said it was full frontal shot.
Number 5 was Marissa Tomei in ''Before the Devil Knows You're Dead.'' Mr. Skin said that she looked great in this one and she was 42 years old at the time. Howard said that Mr. Skin can tell you off the top of his head where the nude scenes are and that's an amazing talent.
Number 4 was Jessica Biel in ''Powder Blue.'' Mr. Skin said that she has a great body and she plays a stripper in the movie and she drips some candle wax on her breasts in the movie. He said that goes on for 3 minutes. Mr. Skin said the movie got panned but that's not what the nude scenes are all about. He said that he just tells people where to go in the movies so they can fast forward there themselves.
Number 3 was Sharon Stone in ''Basic Instinct.'' They talked about how big the news was when that happened. He said that the movie is out on Blu-Ray now and you get to see even more than you thought you could. Mr. Skin said that they've been able to expand and get even more detail from other movies because of the Blu-Ray thing. Mr. Skin said that they even found a lip-slip in an old movie because of the Blu-Ray. He said that they're back to the drawing board with the whole thing because of this new technology.
Number 2 was Angelina Jolie in ''Gia.'' He said that was the best nude scene she's done. He talked about how Angelina walks totally naked down a hallway in that movie. Howard said her stomach wasn't that great in that movie. Howard said she has improved since then.
Number 1 was Phoebe Cates in ''Fast Times at Ridgemont High.'' That scene is 51 minutes into the movie. They were looking at the movie stills while they were talking about that. Mr. Skin said that she was the teen idol at the time. He said that it was in slow-motion and she was shaking her boobs and it was in a great movie so that makes it the greatest nude scene of all time.
Howard asked Mr. Skin about being a boob man and if the deal with Mrs. Skin would have been off if she didn't have a big rack. Mr. Skin said that he may not have made contact with her if she didn't have the big boobs.
Howard asked Mr. Skin how many people they have in their company. Mr. Skin said they have 30 people employed right now.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about a movie he had seen and also asked if he tittie fucks his wife. Mrs. Skin said no comment to that.
Another caller asked Mr. Skin about his web site being in ''Knocked Up'' and if he was in on that. Mr. Skin said he was asked if he would allow it to be put into the movie and of course he said yes to that. He said he met Judd Apatow and Judd told him that he had heard him on Howard's show. He said that Howard helped the site grow in a big way.
Howard asked about some other actresses and if his wife has to take mood enhancing drugs to get through this kind of stuff. She said that she may have to take something today.
Another caller asked about Kelly Preston being taken from behind in a movie and he wondered if Mr. Skin knew what that was. Mr. skin said that it was ''Secret Admirer.'' Howard asked Mr. Skin what the craziest movie sex scene was that he's seen. He said that it would be Chloe Sevigne in ''Brown Bunny.''
Howard described what Mrs. Skin was wearing and figured she wasn't wearing a bra this morning. He wasn't sure about that though.
The caller asked who the broad was that sat on the speaker in his movie. Mr. Skin knew it was Theresa Lynn. Howard didn't even remember who it was. Mr. Skin said that was the 54 minute mark for that scene. Howard said that Mr. Skin is an amazing man for remembering that.
Another caller asked Mr. Skin who he thinks are the upcoming stars. Mr. Skin said that one of the girls in Mad Men, Christina Hendrix, is one. He said that Megan Fox is another one. He said he'd like to see Jessica Simpson take her top off eventually.
Howard said that some people lose it when they get successful. He said that Mr. Skin gets every question right and he still has eye of the tiger. Mr. Skin said he just cares.
Irish John called in and said that Jamie Lee Curtis should have been in the top 10. Mr. Skin said that she did make the top 20. He said that she had the best breasts of the 1980s. Howard said he might agree with Irish John. Mr. Skin said that any of the top 50 could have been in the top 10.
Irish John asked him if he's ever been offered big money for his web site. Mr. Skin said he has been approached but he doesn't want to stop working. He said that he wants to keep working. Irish John offered him $2,500 for the site.
Another caller said that there was a movie called ''Boxing Helena'' and asked who the chick was in that. Mr. Skin said that was Sherilyn Fenn.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up another movie with Rebecca Demorney. Mr. Skin suggested watching ''Risky Business'' to see her topless.
Artie said that he liked ''Atlantic City'' with Susan Sarandon because her tits were great in that. Mr. Skin said that she was in there for ''Pretty Baby'' so he didn't include that scene. He said that they wanted to just include the actresses in one scene. Mr. Skin said that his most disappointing actress is Raquel Welch never doing a nude scene.
Howard told Mrs. Skin it was great to meet her and it was nice to see she was a normal woman. He gave Mr. Skin some plugs for his web site MrSkin.com and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that he had some money to give away. He got someone on the phone to play a game with them. Howard had Harris on the line. Harris wasn't there so Howard wondered if his phone was working. He tried it again and got TDM on the line instead. TDM said he was calling to congratulate Artie on his weight loss but he'd play a game.
TDM stood for Truck Driver Mark so Howard went with that instead. Howard said that Eric the Midget became ETM but Mark isn't well known enough to be TDM yet. Howard said he'll just call him Truck Driver Mark.
Howard played the first question which was Sal asking a homeless guy ''How many days are in July?'' The homeless guy knew it was 31.
Howard told Mark that he was going to give him $500 if he got 3 out of 5 correct. Here are the questions and the homeless guy's answers:
Bruce said that they are going to get the verses from Dolly Parton that she wrote about Howard Stern. Steve said he spoke to her manager and he is going to pass them along to them. Howard said he's a big fan of her's and he's looking forward to hearing what she wrote about him.
Steve said that Howard recorded a sad farewell to WBCN and it runs for 2 minutes and 22 seconds. They're waiting to hear if it ran on the station or if they cut it down to something shorter. Howard said that he was asked to cut something for them and he thought he was going to be interviewed but he just stood there and talked into a microphone.
Howard said he tried to talk about how important that station was for him and how it was something to aspire to be on. He said it felt weird just talking into a microphone by himself. He said Gary told him that someone was going to interview him and that didn't happen.
Howard said Steve just stood there staring at him while he did it and he felt bad saying no to him coming in to watch. He said he did create that news department after all.
Steve said that Jeff Jarvis has announced that he has prostate cancer. Howard said that's a shame. Howard said he knows a lot of guys who have had it and they come out of it just fine. Howard said sometimes your dick just doesn't work though. He said that it's a real bummer. Howard said he was reading somewhere that you can avoid surgery by doing some kind of procedure.
Steve said that Jeff has opted for robotic surgery at Sloan Kettering. Howard asked why a doctor isn't going to be doing it. Steve said it will be a doctor.
The robot thing led to the guys talking about the robot in ''Lost in Space'' which was Robbie the Robot. Robin said that he was Robbie in a bunch of things. Robin insisted that it was Robbie in other movies but Howard and Fred argued that it wasn't the same name. Fred looked it up on IMDB.com and it was known as ''The Robot'' in other movies.
Steve got in some plugs for Jackie's Joke Hunt that's on Howard 101 tonight. Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Howard mentioned that he was Blackberrying Jon when he was out to dinner the other night. He said that he found a new app for the Blackberry that he liked and he had to share it with Jon. He said it turns your texting into threads. He said it was 19 bucks and he really likes it. It's called Swoosh SMS. He demonstrated how it works for Artie.
Artie said he might have to get in on that. Howard said he's Mr. Fuckin App. He said that he has downloaded a lot of them but he has to delete them because they take up too much memory.
Jon ran down his list of today's Wrap Up Show subjects. They ended up talking about Howard's discussion about ''America's Got Talent'' and Howard had the audio clip of Nick Cannon saying that sentence he mentioned earlier. He played the clip and Nick says ''What does... what do these acts have to do to grab America's attention...'' Howard said that wasn't the one he was thinking. He said maybe it wasn't so bad. JD said he thought that was the one he was talking about. Jon wrapped up his Wrap Up Show preview before Howard moved on to Robin's news.
Robin started off with a story about what people in America think about women taking the last name of the man they marry. Howard said he thinks that they should take the name. Howard said that he would be honored if Robin took his last name even if they didn't get married. Howard said she could legally change her name to Robin Stern and he thinks it would be great. Robin said she is considering a name change. Robin said they could have all become Stern but they should have done that a long time ago.
Robin said she wants to change her name to Baroness Robin Quivers. Howard said that's horrible. Howard told her to change it to Robin Stern. He said that would be great. He said Scott Greenstein would love it because it would make news. Robin said she's been a Quivers for way too long. Howard said Fred was out changing his name to Stern right now. Benjy already changed his to Benjamin Stern. Benjy said it was Ben Stern. He said he would do it for the rest of the contract if he wanted him to.
Howard said he and Beth like sharing the last name. He said that it feels more like she's part of the family with the Stern name and that's why he thinks that people should do it. He said it's all psychological though.
Howard read some email he got about the Bob Dylan discussion they had yesterday. Some people thought he was wrong about Bob Dylan and they like his show.
Howard got some feedback about the guy who called in and said ''hello'' over and over again. Some people wondered how the guy made it to that age being so dopey. Another writer thought the hello thing was so boring he had to turn the show off. The writer told him to just answer the phone and keep the show moving. Howard said he got a lot of positive feedback about that.
There were some emails about the Black Eyed Peas songs he was playing and people were upset about that. Howard said he likes the song and he's not sure what to tell people.
Howard said someone saw Gary's beard somehow and said it looked good. Howard said he's not sure on what planet he looks good with that beard. Howard had a couple of emails like that. Fred said he thought Gary looked pretty good with it. Gary said Tony Coburn told him that it looked okay but it was ''so white.'' He wasn't sure if he should keep it or not. Robin told him to try that Just for Men stuff on it like Ronnie does. Howard said that color is so weird on Ronnie.
Gary said he wasn't sure what it was even going to look like when he grew it out. He said he may give it another couple of days to see how it looks. Howard said Ronnie's color is so strange that they should call it ''Just for Ronnie.''
Howard read an email from a fan who wrote in about how Jay Leno stole his Green Car lap time bit from a show called ''Top Gear'' and he even participated in it a few weeks ago.
Robin got back to her news. She read a story about Eunice Shriver's death. That led to Howard doing his Ted Kennedy impression for a few minutes. Artie and Fred got in on that too. They were all doing their Kennedy impressions while talking about the Shriver family and the Kennedy family.
Robin read a story about some people who were stranded on a roller coaster that got stuck. That led to Howard saying that he would never go on a roller coaster. Robin said that this one was 8 stories high but she had never seen it before. She thinks that they're getting too fast and she may have gotten a concussion the last time she rode one. Howard said if you want to get scared, just go in the New York City subway.
Howard brought up the Billy Mays story that Robin brought up yesterday. Howard said he found that guy very annoying. Artie said yesterday that the guy sounded like a guy on coke when he was doing the commercials he did.
Robin read a story about someone who threw a ceramic cup at the Mona Lisa painting. The cup hit the bullet proof glass that was in front of it so no damage was done. Howard said that Sal went there and drew cum stains on the painting.
Robin read a story about some people who are coming out and claiming that they're the mothers of Michael Jackson's kids. She had some audio of some people talking about that. One woman claimed that she married Michael Jackson in 1983. She said that was on her 18th birthday and she will prove that and that the kids are her's. JD said that when this woman was talking there were reporters unplugging their microphones as she spoke because she sounded so nutty. Howard said he has to see that tape.
Robin read about a tribute concert for Michael Jackson that's coming up soon. There's still stuff going on with Michael Jackson's will too so that's in the news as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he went to a Star Trek convention for the first time this weekend. He said that he just went to see George Takei. He brought a copy of Private Parts the movie there and one of the security people was a little bothered by it. He said George didn't seem to mind it but one of the security people told him he couldn't personalize it the way the guy wanted. He said that George told them that he could sign it the way he wanted and signed it ''Dry Oatmeal'' since that's what the guy asked for.
Robin read about the mid-air collision that took place over the Hudson river over the weekend. Some of the people killed were Italian citizens and now this has become an international incident. Howard said that when you take a helicopter you should be taking it for a serious reason. To fly around the city doing a site seeing tour, that's frivolous. He said there is no reason to do that kind of thing. Robin said that's the only reason she has ever been on a helicopter. Howard said you should just ride an escalator.
Robin talked about the Hillary Clinton story Howard mentioned earlier this morning. Robin had some audio of that incident where Hillary blew up at the person asking the question. Howard said she really overreacted to that.
Gary came in and said that he got a copy of the picture that Sal drew the load on at the party. He said Sal is even more angry than he thought he was. Gary showed it to the guys and they were all shocked at what Sal had done to the picture. Artie said that the load was huge and he had the middle finger pointing at the load in the picture. He said it was the most offensive thing he had seen.
Robin read a story about breast feeding and how it can lower the chance of cancer. Howard said that tits are for feeding a baby and not for flashing Joe Francis.
Robin read a story about Britney Spears at the Teen Choice awards. She had some audio from the awards show where Britney thanked them for the award very quickly. Robin read about the movie Twilight taking 9 Teen Choice awards.
Howard said that Riley was acting inappropriately. Riley said he just asked for 2 hours of show to help him pay some bills. Riley said Tim didn't do anything for him. He said he took out one page of advertising for his show and that's what he got fired over. Howard said that he can't just take advertising for his show.
Riley said that he has put a curse on them and they had better watch out for the next 72 hours. Howard stopped and said he just looked in the mirror and told Robin to look at what Riley had done to his face.
Tim Sabean came in and said that things are over for Riley there. Tim said he gave him a couple of chances to straighten things out and he didn't do it.
Riley said that Tim hates Negroes and Jews and others. Riley said he drinks the blood of children too. He said that people bought radios because of him and he's going to make sure he gets them to stop subscribing.
Tim said that Riley made decisions on what he was doing and now he's paying the price. Howard told Riley that he can't take out ads on his own show on SIRIUS. Riley said he did it just one time. Howard said he can't do it any times.
Ralph called in and told Riley that it was funny bitching about money for the first two years that he was on. He said it's not funny anymore. He said he has to stop bitching about money. Howard asked Riley if he's drinking. Riley wasn't answering.
Howard said he told Tim not to fire him even if he did something illegal. Howard said he's sorry about that but Tim had to do what he had to do. Howard said he actually said that he told Tim that he can't keep him around if he's going around trying to sell ads on his own show. Riley said that they are reprehensible and they are not out of the woods. He said that they will not do him this way. Howard asked what he can do to get the curse off of him. Riley said they can put him on in real time.
Howard said he understands what happened there but he wasn't behind it. Riley said that Howard had to be behind it. Howard said he really wasn't though.
Tim said that Riley lied to him and he can't stand for that. Riley said he had to pay for rent. Howard said he was scared that Riley had cursed him but he cursed Richie Wilson 2 years ago and nothing happened to him. Riley said he never cursed him but Howard said he did it on the air. Riley said ''Bullshiiiit.''
Howard told Riley that he can't do this stuff, illegally, and not have any repercussions. He said that Riley was doing something illegal. Riley said that Howard always was and always will be a piece of shit. He said that Robin will always be a white boy dick sucker and a Jew hater.
Howard said he feels bad for Eron who was working for Riley. Riley didn't believe that he felt bad for anyone. Riley said all he did was ask Tim for some more hours for his show. Tim said that they gave him a four hour show one night. Riley insisted that he didn't do anything for him.
Howard said that he really had nothing to do with the firing but he can't keep him on the air if he's lying to people and doing illegal things. Riley said he took just one advertisement and he knows he shouldn't have done it. Tim said that Riley was told not to bring that advertiser back but he went ahead and did it a second time so they had to delete it from the broadcast.
Howard said it was a mistake giving Riley a show. Tim asked if he's going to stop getting calls calling him a cheap Jew. Howard told Riley to have Eron call him because he may have a spot for him. Riley said ''fuck you'' and told him to watch his back for 72 hours because he has put his curse on them and his thoughts can manifest themselves. Howard said it sounded like a threat to him.
Riley also told Robin to pay for her Symbol. Artie told Riley that he paid for his symbol. Riley said he wasn't talking to Artie. Howard thanked Riley for calling in but he told him that he is in no condition to understand what he's saying to him. Howard had to hang up on Riley because he was just going on and on not letting Howard get in a word.
Howard said that even if Riley did have the power to put a curse on them, he'd get it wrong. Artie asked if it was true that he sold advertising on his own. Howard said that was the case. Gary said that Jim McClure told him that Riley knew what he was doing because after Tim told him not to do it again, he said on the air that Tim told him not to do it again and he did it anyway. Howard said it's best that they ended that show.
Howard asked Robin if she had anything else in the news. She had some news about Michael Jackson's autopsy results not being released to the public.
Robin had a story about Pee Wee Herman coming back to Pee Wee's Playhouse. She said that there's also another actress whose nude shots are out on the internet. Ashley Green's pictures are spreading around the web.
Robin read a story about a guy who faked his own death but has been found. Howard said that's what he thinks Sal will do some day.
Robin read about a woman who may have been killed by a bear. They think that she was killed and eaten and maybe because she was known for feeding the bears in the area she lived in. Robin read that Octomom, Nadia Suleman, is heading to FOX for a documentary about her life.
Robin read about the new Ashton Kutcher movie ''Spread.'' Howard said that Ashton shows his ass in that movie but there are a lot of hot chicks in it too and they're naked. Howard said the movie is good and he thinks that Artie will like it. Howard said he was a fan of Ashton's after seeing that movie. He said he was never a fan of his Punk'd show and if anyone ever punk's him, he'll kill them. Robin said the movie is opening in a limited release on Friday.
Robin read some news about Michael Vick being on 60 Minutes this Sunday. Howard said the guy is just trying to get some publicity and the guy mutilated dogs and he's soulless. Howard said that the guy may have paid his debt to society but he still thinks the guy is soulless.
Artie argued that the guy is an amazing football player. They spent a short time talking about that and then ended the show around 11:05am.
Jon had Mike Gange come in to talk about what went on with him today. Mike said that it was kind of RObin's fault for talking when Howard went back on the air. Mike said that he knew Howard was coming back and told Robin that he had better get out of there.
Mike said Howard likes to goof on him and this was a good chance to do that. Mike said that he has done this same kind of thing before and he didn't think he was wrong today. He said that if Howard doesn't want him to do it anymore, he won't do it. He said that's why he went in there and apologized for what he did.
Mike said that Howard looks at his Facebook page all the time because he knows what's on there. Gary said someone is feeding him those posts, he's not reading them on Facebook.
Mike said he thinks that Howard gets upset whenever he sees anyone else enjoying something. He said that's why he thinks he's so upset about his Facebook posts. Benjy said that Howard finds it frivolous. Gary said Howard is like that with a lot of stuff and he used to be that way with drinking alcohol. He thinks that watching a football game all Sunday is a waste of time too.
Jon asked Mike if Robin sympathized with him at all today. Mike said she never defends anyone and just goes along with Howard. He said that she's very two faced when it comes to that.
Gary said he feels that Gange has been beaten down so much that he thinks that Howard really doesn't like him. Mike said he really does get that feeling. He said it goes back to that time when he was working at his house a hundred years ago. He said Howard seemed to think it was an insult when he wanted to leave that job and move on to something else.
Gary said that Howard used to talk about how he didn't see the great work that Gange was doing at his job that other people were talking about. Gange said he must have done something wrong to Howard and he's not even sure what it was. He said Howard must know what it is.
Gary said it was the fact that Gange sent Howard's friend the porn tape. Gange said Howard called him into his office and told him about that screw up. He said he didn't get yelled at or anything though. He said Howard told him he made a mistake and it wasn't that big of a deal. Gary said that story has come up on the air a bunch of times though and maybe that is what is bothering Howard.
Jon asked Gange why he'd still be around if Howard really didn't like him. Gange said he gets that feeling on days like today. He said he really didn't do anything wrong other than letting Howard see him in Robin's booth.
Jon asked Gary if he ever got that feeling from Howard. Gary said he used to get that for a while years ago. He said Howard was very short with him at the time and he's not even sure what it was about.
Ralph called in and said he gets the same feeling about Gange that Gange has. He said that there does seem to be something there between Howard and Gange but he's not sure what it is. He said that Gange was always a good worker from what he could see and he's not sure what it's about.
Gange said that's what he gets too. Ralph said there are many people who should be ahead of Gange on that list. He didn't name any names though.
Gange said he feels that has always been there while he's worked there. Ralph said he really doesn't know what it's about either and he doesn't have any insider information or anything like that.
Ralph said he gets the feeling that Howard hates him sometimes too. Gange has had that feeling for a very long time though.
Gange said that it is what it is and he's not going to bother Howard trying to find out what it is. Gary said he and Howard have had many conversations off the air and he's never given him any hint of any stories about Gange at all. Ralph said he has.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that maybe Howard just doesn't like unprofessionalism. He said that maybe that's why Gange gets what he gets when he screws up like that. Gange said that the worst thing he does is post that he's going bike riding on his Facebook account. Mike said he's not overly crazy when it comes to that stuff. He never does anything that inappropriate.
Gange said he gets a lot of crap from Howard and it just keeps coming. Ralph said Howard used to goof on him about being raised by a rich family but he doesn't do that anymore.
Gary said he and Howard have gotten through things over the years. He said they've had their peaks and valleys over the years.
Benjy asked who is more hated than Gange. Gange said that maybe Scott the Engineer or Sal. He said that Sal is asking for it though. He said with him it's just anger and then just ''get out.''
Ralph asked who the most consistently hated person is on the show over the past 20 years. The guys all said that it would probably be Ralph. Ralph said that he was talking about the person who is hated by Howard, not by the fans.
Gary and the guys were saying that maybe Stuttering John would be up there. Mike Gange was also up there. Gange agreed with that.
Benjy asked if Mike thinks it affects his career. Gange didn't think that was the case. He said he would like to have a good relationship with everyone he works with though.
Another caller said that Gange is creepy and he said that the last time he was on the show. The guy said that Gange isn't going to get fired as long as he stays out of Howard's face.
Gary said he has known Mike for over 20 years and he really doesn't have any creep factor. Gange said he doesn't think he's a creepy guy either. Gary said he has known Mike longer than anyone else and he really is a nice guy. He doesn't find him creepy at all.
Jon and Gary asked Sal what he was talking about with that. Sal said he just saw Gange leaving and he had his head down when he left. He said he feels like he's going in for his proctologist appointment now. Sal said he thinks that Howard picks people to be mean to and that's what happens to him and to Gange on occasion. Sal said there were times when he used to listen and Gary used to take crap from Howard day after day.
Gary got to prank Sal today so Jon congratulated him on that. Gary said that was Jason's idea and he didn't even want to do it. Gary said he delivered a couple of lines and thought that they were going to recognize him and yell at him. Then it turned out that they didn't recognize his voice at all.
Jon asked Sal what the ''threshold of humility'' meant. Sal said he took the jar of humility and threw it out a window 50 stories high and watched it slither into the sewer. He said that his humility and dignity are in the Hudson floating around with needles and stuff.
Sal said that he just keeps getting involved in these situations and it may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.
Gary said that he saw the picture that Sal drew on and it was very cruel. Sal said he didn't do all of the drawing and writing on it. He said that he wrote ''Guess what?'' over the splatter marks but there were other things that he didn't write on it that someone else did.
Sal said that those people are friends and he didn't want to do anything wrong. He said he was drunk and he has regrets about it. He said he should have stopped with the ''Wish I was Here'' with the arrow pointing to her crotch. That wasn't so bad.
Jon said that the line is drawing the cum on the picture and not the arrow. Gary said that no one was looking for him to draw on that picture at all. Sal said he doesn't care what people want him to do.
Sal said he should have stopped with the arrow. He said that the chick liked that part and he had only about two drinks at that time. He said when she liked it, that was the worst thing she could have done. He said that he got drunker and did the rest of the stuff. He said she's going to remember this the rest of her life though so that's something she can take away from that incident.
Jon asked Sal if he thinks that Howard is really concerned about what's going to happen to him when he retires. Sal said he worries about everyone, not just him. Sal said that he gets embarrassed hearing about some of the stuff that Howard brings up on the air. He said that the father stuff is bad and he doesn't like to hear that he's stupid either. He said it's embarrassing for him.
A caller suggested that Sal has Aspburgers or something. Gary said that he doesn't have that but Sal is socially retarded. He said he didn't mean that in a mean way.
Sal said that he thinks that he can get along with just about anyone and that's what people have told him before. Gary said that he's seen him act very odd around some people. He said that Sal seems very sincere when he's around some people that he doesn't know very well and it's very obvious. Sal said that he does put that on sometimes. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon had Steve Grillo on the phone too so he got to him and asked what he was up to. Steve said that it was his partner who called the NY Post and told them the story about him being hired. He said he had nothing to do with it. Steve said the guy thought they could get some publicity for the pizza place and that's why he called. Steve said he had nothing to do with it a few times.
Jon asked what he said to his partner. Steve said that he was upset and told the guy that he was pissed because he could lose the job over the article.
Jon let Steve go and got to Mr. Skin. Mr. Skin said it was great having his wife in the studio and he thinks that she had a great time in there. He said that she was very cool with it and she's totally fine with the questions Howard asked.
Jon asked Mr. Skin if it's true that he says he's a computer consultant when he's asked what he does for a living. He said he does say that but he will tell the kids some day what he does for a living.
Jon asked Sal about his kids and what they think he does for a living. Sal said they don't know about Captain Sack or Cockyoke or anything like that but they do know he works for Howard Stern.
Sal said the boys will be alright but the daughter may have a problem with what he does. Sal said that he'll have to sit the kids down some day and tell them what he does. That's what Sal is planning on doing. Mr. Skin said that he is proud of what he does but he's never had to tell a child what he does for a living.
Benjy asked what age you tell them. Mr. Skin said that they were just talking about it and they were thinking 9 or 10.
Jon asked Sal if he and his wife talk about telling the kids. Sal said they don't talk. Sal said that kids can be affected by what they do and they can usually deal with it but you have to be able to deal with the kids.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked who is answering the phone there and where Steve Brandano is. He was also saying that Gary has a great memory for songs just like Mr. Skin does with movies.
Jon said that Steve is in the studio answering phones so he's still there. Jon asked Mr. Skin about the films that he knows about and how he keeps that stuff in his mind. Mr. Skin said that there were a lot of movies in the 80s that he had to remember because that's what he grew up watching.
Sal asked Mr. Skin about ''Shindler's List'' and the nudity in that movie. Mr. Skin said he promised his mother that he wouldn't include that movie on the web site. Mr. Skin said he doesn't put pictures on there but they do discuss the film on the site. Mr. Skin said that they have other films like ''Pretty Baby'' that they don't post pictures of because they had an 11 year old Brooke Shields naked in that movie.
Mr. Skin said that they don't have any dudes on the site at all and he never will. Jon asked if anyone had a problem with Phoebe Cates being number one. Mr. Skin said that he'd argue that with anyone because he loved that scene. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about everything he was doing before the show and noticing Robin's hair that was covering her face like Jennifer Aniston. Howard asked Robin about some of the Michael Jackson stuff he was reading in the paper. He said that Latoya Jackson was thinking about going out on tour and someone was saying that was some way to respect her brother. Howard said he gets the feeling they weren't all that close to begin with though.
Howard said he was reading that Michael Jackson's nose wasn't even real and he actually had a fake nose covering up a hole in his face. Robin said that's what she heard too.
Gary said that they did this episode of South Park where they had Michael Jackson's fake nose coming off and he thought it was preposterous until he read the article in Rolling Stone that makes it seem it was a real thing.
Howard said he's not sure about the Rolling Stone thing. He said they're kind of wishy washy about that stuff. Howard said they've had him in a couple of articles in the magazine and they've thanked him for being a pioneer on the radio but then they bashed him after he did his first show on SIRIUS. Howard said the one thing they are sure of is that Yoko Ono is better than John Lennon ever was.
Howard said he'd like to find out exactly what's going on with Michael Jackson's nose. He said they did have that guy in there that wrote the book about Michael and maybe he should read the whole thing.
Howard asked Fred if he ever found the bit yesterday. Fred said they did find it and he has it in his system to play. Howard said they may as well play it today. He had Fred play it after that. The bit featured Allison Steel and Billy West doing his Larry Fine impression as if he were at Woodstock.
Howard said that was a cool bit. He said Allison Steel sounded really good in there. He said he thought she was older than she actually was. He said she was only like 57 when she died.
Artie said that they played that bit at a bachelor party he appeared at one time. He said he and Fred wrote that bit in like 10 seconds. He said it was very easy with that great impression that Billy did. Artie said he loved that line ''I had long hair before any of you jerk offs!'' the best.
Howard said he felt it was necessary to yell at Gange because of that. Howard said Gange said that it's hard to find Robin around there when he's there but that's not his problem. Howard said Gange doesn't have the right to come in there and interrupt just because he's not around to see Robin that much.
Gary said he thinks that other people stop by and see Howard sometimes and he doesn't say anything. Howard said he wants to know who comes in there and socializes like Gange did. Robin said that Jon Hein and Tim Sabean may stop by once in a while. Howard said Tim does that and he has nothing to say.
Artie said he does that sometimes too though. Howard said Artie is on air so that's not a problem. Howard said he has to keep order in there and keep this thing going. He said it's not easy to do that with people interrupting like that.
Robin said that Scott DePace said that she didn't defend Gange in the least yesterday and he never wants to be her friend. Howard said Robin is being polite when people do stuff like that and she's caught in that world when she's supposed to be working. Howard said Robin has to put her news together during the breaks and he's the one who has to tell them to get the fuck out of there.
Howard said he doesn't hate Gange. If he hated the guy he wouldn't have gotten him a job on his TV show. Howard said he doesn't do that for people he hates.
Howard said Gange was saying that he was the one who quit the job at his house but they had to get him out of there because all of was doing was complaining about it. Gary said Ralph called in and said that he thought Howard disliked him too. Howard said he doesn't hate the guy.
Gange called in and told Howard that his tone right then was showing that he doesn't like him. Howard told him that he wouldn't have gotten him a job if he didn't like him. He told Gange he just can't take the goofing. Gange said he can take it but he's doing it in a way that really makes him feel that he doesn't like him.
Gange said that he's been going into the studio and socializing for like 20 years. Howard said he has not and called him a fuckin' douche bag. Howard said that he really does like Gange but he should set a better example. Gange said he will do that but he sees that tinge of hate in his eyes. Howard asked if that's the look he gets from women. Gange laughed.
Howard said it seems like Gange would rather write on Facebook than work. Gange said that's not the case. He said he's hardly on Facebook.
Gange told Howard that he and Robin are close and he was talking to her during the break. He didn't know it was going to lead to an interruption.
Howard asked Gange what Robin does during the break. Gange said she does a lot of things during the break. Howard asked how she can do them if she's stuck in a conversation with him. He said that smile she puts on is actually an angry smile and she's just trying to disguise her anger.
Artie said that Gange said Robin was two faced too. Gange said that she is and they've talked about that before. He said she'll never stand up for anyone during a discussion like they had yesterday. Robin said that Gange was interrupting her yesterday so she didn't feel there was a need to defend him.
Howard let Gange go and continued to goof on the guy. Howard said Gange is always claiming that he's working hard but the guys who claim they're working hard are the ones who aren't always working hard.
Howard said he knows Robin is too sweet to say anything to Gange about that. He said that she has to pretend that she's not angry with him. Robin said Gange had to do it when he did because he wouldn't remember to say anything at any other time. She said her birthday was on Saturday and from that time until yesterday he didn't find time to say anything to her. She said he could have found some way to talk to her.
Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where Gange was talking about how two faced Robin can be. Howard pointed out that he forgave Gange for sending a porno tape to his daughter's second grade teacher one time. He said Gange thinks he hates him but he forgave him for that.
Howard played more of the clip and goofed on Gange some more about that. Howard said Gange is like Sherlock Holmes with his investigations into people not liking him.
Howard said Sal is the best and made no sense when he was talking about his marriage being a wreck and not understanding why his wife doesn't like him when he draws on pictures at parties. Robin said it must be a nightmare to be around him at a party like that. Robin said the picture was ten times worse than they thought it was so she imagines that it must be even worse for his wife to be around him than he lets on.
Howard played another clip from the Wrap Up Show where Sal talked about ''crossing the line of humility'' and what he meant by that. He said he had taken the ''jar or humility'' and threw it out a 50 story window. Howard said Sal has no idea what humility is and kept using it wrong on the show.
Yucko was on the phone with Gary the Retard and Gary was upset with Bob Levy for not booking him for the show. Yucko then called Gary the Retard back as Bob and Gary was calling him a cheap Jew and some other things that Yucko had told him to say to him. Yucko then told Gary that Beetlejuice told him that he had fucked a cat. Yucko told Gary he had to apologize to the cat for fucking it and got on and started meowing. Gary was talking to the cat and saying he was sorry. Yucko got back on and called him a fuckin' retard and hung up on him.
Robin said it was pretty funny he had him talking to a cat. Howard said he was trying to get Gary the Retard out there. He said Miss Howard Stern, Andrea, had a horrible car accident and she's at home mending right now. Howard said there are duties to be performed as Miss Howard Stern and he was going to ask Gary to come in and do that.
Howard had a whole list of things that they were going to ask Gary to do for Miss Howard Stern. He had him making food for Artie and giving hand jobs to all of the guests in the green room. They were also going to have him speak in a woman's voice so people think that Miss Howard Stern is still around.
Howard said they were going to call him this morning to do that but Gary wasn't picking up his phone. He calls them all day long and the one time they need him he doesn't pick up.
Howard said Riley was fired by Tim Sabean because he was selling advertising on his own show and that was an illegal thing to do. Howard said it wasn't about liking Riley or not. He said they just can't have the guy selling his own ads there. Howard said the station could be responsible if the product turned out not to be a legitimate thing or something like that.
Howard said the whole deal is that Tim, in a very nice way, went to Riley and told him that he can't sell his own commercials. Riley told him he had to eat and make some money. Tim told him he can't sell the ads and Riley agreed not to do it. Then the next week he went right ahead and did it again.
Howard said he feels bad for Riley so he suggested that they have him go in on Meet the Shrink and have him get some therapy for this whole thing. He said that maybe they could rehabilitate him on Meet the Shrink. Tim went to the attorneys and they agreed to let him go on that show and if he can come to an understanding about it, then maybe they can get him back on the air.
Howard said if he ever speaks to Riley again he'll ask him to go on Meet the Shrink. If the shrink gives him a clean bill of health then maybe he can get him his job back.
Howard said they made it very easy for Riley to do his show. He was doing it from his home in New Jersey so he didn't have to travel into the city.
Artie said that there are other people there at SIRIUS who do shows from their homes. He asked Howard if he would ever do that. Howard said he has to see his guests in person and he can't do a show from his home. He said it doesn't work in his opinion.
Riley called in so Howard got him right on the line. Howard said he was going to try and talk to him but if he starts filibustering he's going to hang up on him. Robin said that she never disliked Riley and she's not sure why he said what he said yesterday. Riley said he always loved them too and he never said anything bad. Howard said he did yesterday.
Howard asked Riley who the curse is on. Riley said the curse is on Howard, Tim and Robin for another 48 hours and it can not be removed. Riley said that Tim told him that he was going to help him out and he didn't come through for him.
Riley said that $400 a week was not keeping him afloat and he had to make some more money. Riley said that they do not know what they have done now. He said that he's trying to give them information that will save their lives and they're not listening.
Howard said that Riley wasn't listening again. He just won't listen to a word anyone says to him and that's why he ended up getting fired. Howard said that everyone else he works with is easy to work with. Riley is the only one who is a pain in the ass. Howard asked him who is going to hire him. Riley was still rambling on and on and not listening to what they were saying.
Riley said that Artie is now in with them and he's a fat fuck. Artie asked what happened that got him on the list. Artie said that he wants to get on the mother ship and he doesn't want him giving him a hard time like that.
Riley said that what he was saying was that he will give them all the love he can. He said he's trying to help them out. He asked Howard if he has a job or not. Howard said he doesn't have a job right now. Riley thinks that Howard is the one who fired him but Howard said it was Tim and the Attorneys who fired him.
Riley called Howard a ''piece of shit fuck'' and got a laugh out of Robin. Howard and Robin asked if he's living with his wife or not. Riley said that she sleeps with him. He wouldn't just give a straight answer though. Riley hinted that she may have moved because he has 12 birds. Howard asked why she moved out. Riley got back to his talk about trying to save the world.
Howard told Riley that he can't sell ads on his own show. Riley said he had to do that because Tim is a lying fat fuck and didn't give him another hour of show.
Robin told Riley that they had a proposal for him but he wasn't listening to what she was saying. Riley said that it will all come down on them for the way they're treating him.
Howard said that what Riley did wrong is something they can't stand for. He said it was illegal. Riley insisted it was just one ad but Howard said it was two weeks in a row. Riley said that's because Tim wasn't listening to him.
Howard told Riley he can either listen to him or go back to growing pot. Riley told him to talk to him. Riley did ask why he was talking about his wife. Howard said one of the guys told him she wasn't living there with her so he wanted to know if that was the case. Howard said if it's none of his business then just tell him that it's not. Riley said he is a wretched piece of dog shit. Howard said there is no point in telling him what he wanted to tell him.
Howard said he had a plan to get him his job back but he's not listening. Riley said if he wants to get rid of him then he should have done it honestly. Howard said he wanted to have him on the channel but he doesn't listen to anybody. Riley said they wouldn't give him that extra hour. Howard said he's not getting another hour.
Howard told Riley he has to give up on him. Riley said that he has always been a piece of dog shit and he will always be that piece of dog shit. Riley said that he hopes that their homes burn and Robin's boat sinks. He said that he hopes they get AIDS too.
Howard said he had a way for Riley to get back on the air but it's not going to work. Riley said that they will be responsible for the destruction of this world then. Howard said all Riley does is talk and not listen. He said he has to give up on him and forget this plan he had. Howard said he went to bat for Riley yesterday but he obviously doesn't want to hear it.
Howard asked Riley what he's said that has actually come true. Riley said that Cassini did find something that he talked about before. Howard said maybe he can call Riley later on when he's worn out and doesn't want to talk so much.
Riley asked if he is fired. Howard said he's going to try one last time. Howard explained to him what he spoke to Tim about. He said Tim told him Riley won't listen about this ad thing. Howard said that he wants Riley to go on a Meet the Shrink show and speak to the shrink and maybe get him back on the air. Riley asked when he wants to do it. Howard said he likes that he's listening.
Howard asked Tim when they can get Riley on the shrink show. Gary said Tim may not be there but then he came walking in. Tim came in and said that they can get him his show back if he comes on that show and admits that he did wrong.
Tim asked Riley when he's available. Riley said that he has tried to talk to him and asked Tim when he wanted to do this thing. Tim said they will try to do it next week. Riley told them to lock it down then. Riley said he wants to get his check on schedule and doesn't want Tim to be so hateful. Riley said he would like to remove the curse that he has on them but he can't do that for 48 hours. Robin said they may be gone by then. Riley said he was very angry and he is very sorry about that.
Tim asked Riley to put a rush order on that. Artie asked if he should avoid going on his helicopter ride today. Riley told him it would be best to avoid that.
Riley said that he needs them as much as they need him. The guys all laughed at that. Riley said that he does love them and he will remove the curse.
Howard said Riley has to go on that shrink show and admit that he was wrong about the commercial. Riley said that he wants more hours of show. Tim said that he can't handle that one hour of show. They're not going to give him more show.
Howard said they're interested in him doing his one hour show and that's it. He told him that the shrink has to approve of him before they'll let him come back. Riley said that what they are doing to him is going to reverberate through history. Howard asked if he wants to do the shrink thing or not. Riley said ''Lets do it kid.'' Howard said if Riley does this thing again he's going to be fired again. Howard said he's technically still fired right now.
Howard let Riley go after that. Tim said he would speak to him later today about doing the shrink show. Howard said he won't listen to the shrink and he's just going to blow the whole thing off.
Howard said he doesn't hold out much hope for the shrink thing. He said he has a feeling the shrink is going to end up being cursed. Artie said he thinks the shrink will end up coming out of the show crazy. He was also wondering if the show was going to be on the air. Howard said of course it is. Artie said he must have lost his mind for a second.
Howard thanked Tim for that and told him to record his call to Riley if Riley is okay with it. Tim said they have tried with him and there is no rhyme or reason with him. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked what happened to Oasis. Robin said the brothers apparently don't get along. Howard said he had one of the guys on the show and his brother is just a maniac from what he's heard. Howard said the guy just couldn't deal with his brother.
Howard had Piers Morgan on the phone. Howard said that he's been watching him on ''America's Got Talent.'' Piers said it was great to be on his show again and this is the only show that he'd get up to be on at 4 in the morning.
Howard talked about some of the acts that were on ''America's Got Talent'' and how they had this group of guys who were lip syncing to music that wasn't theirs. Howard said that they thought it was some kind of act but it really wasn't. Howard said they weren't able to dance and they all looked like men in wigs. Howard said Piers told them they were horrible. Sharon Osbourne told them that she didn't know what he was talking about and she applauded their diversity. Howard said David Hasselhoff agreed with Sharon and that makes no sense.
Howard asked how you can be a judge if you don't know that they're judging these acts. Piers said that David actually came up to him and said he was going to head butt him during a break one time for booing him. He said that he's pretty sure that David and Sharon really don't like him.
Piers said that he feels that the British accent seems to get away with being brutally honest with these acts while people like David Hasselhoff gets booed for doing something like that.
Piers said that they have been doing well in the ratings but they have had some train wrecks on the live shows. He said that they've had some great ones too.
Howard said Piers called David a ''tool'' on one show and David got upset with him over that. Piers said that David wasn't too happy with that. He said that he and David have come to an arrangement to not call each other names anymore. He said that David called him a ''tabloid wanker'' one day and that was rough on him in England.
Howard said Piers could go after David for some of the stuff he's done in his dark moments. Piers said the guy is good hearted and a nice guy most of the time. David invited him to the Playboy mansion and when he said he was bringing his girlfriend with him David told him that you never bring sand to the beach. Howard said he agrees with that.
Howard said he was watching the show last night and the country singer was way off key. Howard said the judges all said it was great though. Howard said he couldn't believe that they thought it was a good performance. Piers said that sometimes hearing it there live is different than what you hear on TV. He said after watching it he did hear that he was off key a little bit.
Howard asked about Nick Cannon and told him that he does like him better than Jerry Springer. Howard asked if he puts on that fake street talk all the time. He said he finds that to be some kind of way of relating to the street guys that are watching the show. Piers said he thinks that Nick has brought in some of the younger audience that they have this season.
Artie asked Piers when they're going to replace him with a young black guy. Piers laughed. Howard said that Mariah Carey was on the show too and she sang but the song wasn't all that great and he thought Piers was going to hit the buzzer on her. Piers said it was kind of cool having Mariah on the show. Howard said it wasn't one of her better performances. Howard said she may have had the buzzer hit on her if she was a contestant. Piers said she was there working on every aspect of that song for about 12 hours. He said that was dedication.
Howard asked if it seems that Nick Canon is really in love with Mariah. Piers said it did look like they were very in love when he saw them back stage.
Howard asked Piers if he's making good money doing this show like Simon Cowell is making on American Idol. Howard asked if he thinks that Paula Abdul will be missed on that show. Piers said that she's a nice lady but Simon is the show like Howard had said he was.
Howard said he thinks that Paula was asking for more money to stay on the show and she may have been looking for as much or more than Simon was getting.
Howard asked Piers what his advice would be for Paula. Piers said that they may bring her back if other judges don't work out. He said that she has an audience that comes with her but it is a big move to leave Idol like that. Piers said that he was surprised that it came down to what it did with Paula. He said that it is the Simon Cowell show and they're going to bring in who he wants to bring in.
Piers said that Simon is turning 50 this year and he had a quiet party for him recently and they had Carly Simon call in and sing ''You're So Vain'' to him on the phone.
Howard asked Piers if he's making the kind of money that Simon is making. Piers said that's not gentlemanly to talk about that kind of thing. He said that he may take a tape of this show to NBC and tell them that he wants more. Howard asked if he thinks that Nick or David gets paid more on that show. Piers said that he thinks that Nick puts in more hours so he may be making more than David is.
Howard asked Piers about how he's becoming a star and how he has groupies now. Piers said he was doing the Celebrity Apprentice show and he had his mother and sister flown over to watch the finale show. He said that this very attractive blond girl came up to him after the show and gave him her phone number. Piers said his mother saw that and asked if that's what she thinks it was. Piers said that his mother told him to throw the number in the garbage. Piers said he didn't do that chick but he did keep the number. He said that he is very loyal to the women he sees and he won't be doing her.
Howard asked Piers why he's being loyal. Piers said that he may be too sensible now and he knows what's going to happen if he does go out with other women.
Howard said that Ringo Starr made an announcement about how he's never going to sign autographs anymore and Piers spoke out about that. Piers said that the idea of this little jerk telling people he won't sign autographs is ridiculous. He said that Ringo told this little old lady in her 80s at this flower show that he wouldn't sign anything for her. Piers said he was disgusted by that. He said that you can't refuse an 80 year old an autograph. He said that's completely unacceptable to him.
Howard asked Piers about Guy Ritchie and Madonna's divorce. Piers said he knows Guy and he's a great guy. He said that he thinks that Guy went into that marriage thinking she was a great lady but he found out that she was a complete whacko. He said that Guy is a lucky guy for having escaped that marriage.
Guy also said that he thinks that Madonna should stop stealing these kids that she's adopting. He said that it's fine to go over and walk around the shanty towns and make your point but taking them home is wrong. He said that it's like a fashion accessory now when they adopt kids like they're doing.
Howard asked Piers about what he thinks about someone like Lindsay Lohan just throwing away her stardom the way she has. Piers said he tries to think aback to what it would have been like for him at the age of 23 to be so famous. He said that it may be a good thing that he didn't have that stardom because it must be hard.
Howard asked Piers about how he had introduced Paul McCartney to Heather Mills. Piers said he told her that she could prove that she wasn't a gold digger by not taking Paul's money if she ever divorced the guy. He said she proved that she was when she took all of the money that she did. Piers said that he found it awful that she felt she had some claim on his money. Howard asked if he asked for a commission on that since he introduced them. Piers joked that she should have given him 15 percent.
Robin asked about the young kids they have on the show and if he thinks that it can be wrong to have kids doing that stuff. Piers said that they are concerned about doing stuff like that and there are some acts they don't show on the show.
Howard asked if Piers signed on to do a radio show over in England for $6 million. Piers said that he did get a very good deal over there. He didn't confirm the amount though. Howard said he's very pleased with Piers on ''America's God Talent.''
Howard said Piers was one of the judges on the show where Susan Boyle was discovered. He asked if she's as whacked out as they make it seem she was. Piers said she became a huge hit in a matter of days and she came from this very tiny village in Scotland so it was a lot of pressure on her. Howard said he got the chills watching Susan on YouTube.
Howard said that a lot of being a star has to do with the way you look and that's why Susan Boyle was such a surprise. He said that she could never be a star because of the way she looks. Piers said there are other people who aren't all that great looking and they're still stars even without the looks. Piers said that Susan has almost reinvented the wheel now because she showed that it's about the talent and not all about the looks. He said that he's heard some of the album she's making and it's going to be great when it comes out.
Howard asked Piers if he would consider setting Susan up with Paul McCartney. Piers laughed and said that Paul would be better off with an aardvark over someone like Heather Mills.
Howard had Mariann from Brooklyn on the phone. She sang some of her ''All I Need is Howard in my Life'' to Piers but he gave her the buzzer and Howard hung up on her.
Ralph called in and asked Piers about Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers on Celebrity Apprentice. He said he felt that Melissa was riding her mother's coat tails and she didn't belong there. He said he loves Joan though and she deserved to win from what he saw. He said that Melissa wasn't playing the game and sucking up to her mother wasn't the way to play the game. They also talked about Jesse James getting fired on that show because he refused to bother his wife, Sandra Bullock, for money during one of the competitions.
Howard said that Piers has done it again and he has said a lot of outrageous things today. Piers said that this is his favorite part of the year when he gets to come on his show.
Howard said that Piers is right for sticking with his woman the way he said he's going to. He said that he's an older guy and he's heard that she's hot. Piers said that it took him a long time to get into her pants. He said he didn't want to get into specifics but it took a lot of work on his part. Howard said the girls have to make guys work for it and they'll keep them around longer.
Howard wrapped up with Piers a short time later. He said that he has it made doing that judging job. Howard said he'd love to be able to do a job like that. Fred said he's surprised that someone hasn't tapped him to do something like that. Howard said he's ready to step in and do it.
Artie said that you have to be able to judge in a very entertaining way. Howard said that he could do his own show like that where they judge people. Howard said he did this American Idol thing way back in 1980 and won an award for doing it. He said he could lay claim for that show and do his own version.
Artie said they could do their own ''Talentless'' competition. Howard said that the idea that Paula Abdul left American Idol is beyond him. Robin said she thinks that she got Jackie Martling's people to negotiate for her. Howard did his Jackie impression and made up a conversation with Paula. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he was listening to an interview that Imus did with Sean Hannity on FOX News. Howard said that Imus is the new ''sensitive Imus'' on the show. Howard said he was talking about the cancer ranch he runs and how he had just touched one kid and turned the kid's life around.
Howard said he has compassion for anyone who has cancer but he doesn't like the cancer ranch. Howard said the guy isn't that genuine and he thinks that it was just a grab for land. Howard said that he has met some of Imus' kids too and they're very nice so he's not going to bad mouth them. Howard said his daughter was very nice and he's not going to go there.
Howard said Imus wasn't so nice and it's hard to hear him talking about these cancer kids. He said that in one part of the interview he was talking about petting one of the kids.
Howard played that clip where Hannity talked to Imus about the kids who don't make it. Imus was silent for a moment while his wife laughed. Imus wasn't saying anything other than ''it's hard...'' Then he started to say that it's horrible when the kids die and it's worse when they find out the horrible home environments that they're living in.
Howard said that Imus was also talking about some other kids that they make do chores at the ranch. Howard said some of the kids just can't do that stuff though. Howard played more of the interview where Imus talked about putting his hand on this kid's head and how the kid looked at him as if no one had ever done that before. Then he said he pet him on the arm. That was the creepy part of that. Howard said it was like he was petting the kid like a dog.
Imus goes on to talk about how the kid told him that his father beats him and Imus said that makes him want to go and pistol whip the father. Howard said he likes how Imus thinks he's going to pistol whip someone. He said that's where you take the butt of the gun and hit the guy in the head with it. He said that Imus would get his ass kicked if he tried to do that.
Howard played more of the Imus interview where Imus talks about dealing with the kids. Hannity asked Imus about the kids doing chores and cleaning stalls in the barn. They also wake the kids up at 5:30 in the morning. Howard said that they show the kids what life is really like while they're suffering through cancer treatments. Howard said they should have Penthouse pets visiting instead of making them do chores.
Imus was explaining how they have an 1880s like ranch so they don't allow cell phones or anything like that. The kids can't play with their toys at this ranch while they're dying. Howard said he's not sure why anyone would send their kids to this ranch.
In the clip Imus and his wife were talking about what they do at the ranch and Howard pointed out that Imus found his wife on the phones at his show. Howard said maybe they should just raise money for charities that help cancer kids.
Gary came in and told Howard what some of the shows are that they're running on the TV channel that Imus' radio show is shown on. It's a bunch of farm shows and a religious show. Imus is on vacation so they're playing all of this other nonsense instead.
Howard played more of the interview where Imus and his wife were talking about their ranch. They said that they're not allowed to talk about their cancer while they're there. They're also not there to share their feelings about what they're going through.
Howard and the guys goofed on Imus and Deirdre as they were talking about this stuff like it was normal. Howard said that he's not sure why Imus thinks that he's qualified to do something like this.
Howard said that Imus and his wife do this fake fighting thing on the show and it's very disturbing. They share insults with each other and it's really lame. Howard said those two are in charge of the cancer kids. He said that they're not adults, they're dolts. Howard had to stop listening after that. He just couldn't take it anymore.
Howard said he went on MrSkin.com and read what they have on that site about why they don't put up those pictures. He read the quote from the site where they explain that ''Nazi atrocities are unacceptable...'' Howard said that they do have a review of the movie about the nudity in the movie and where the nude scenes are. Howard said you just have to rent the movie yourself if you want to see the nudity. Howard said he's not sure how long they're naked for but they are naked.
Howard told Gary he'd have to rub down Sal and Richard and brew coffee in a bikini. Gary said he has never done that before. Robin asked if he would do it for her. Gary said he wouldn't mind but he would do it. Gary said he never saw that on TV. Howard said they don't put that part on TV.
Howard told Gary he'd have to cook all of Artie's meals. Gary asked why he can't do it himself. Howard said he's busy on the show.
Howard told Gary he'd have to make out with a mannequin head. Gary didn't know what that meant. He had to explain that to him. Howard asked Gary if he would dress up in a cheerleader outfit too. Gary said he had never done that either. Howard told him he'd have to ride the Sybian too. Gary laughed and said he hadn't done that either.
Howard read item after item for Gary to do and Gary said he had never done any of those things so he wasn't sure if he could do them. Gary said he would be willing to do other things on the show. Gary asked how long she's going to be laid up. Howard said it might be for a while.
Howard said that Gary had to solve world hunger and adopt an AIDS baby. He told Gary to think it over. Howard said he'd call him tomorrow to find out if he's up for it. Gary told him to call him around 3am. Howard said he thinks that he's become more retarded.
Howard said that Gary has to work tomorrow. Artie said that Gary the Retard works every day and Jeff the Drunk doesn't work. He said that makes no sense.
Jason said he saw Fred with his head in the freezer and he pulled out a whole sleeve of them. Fred said he only took one though.
Fred said that he hopes that Chewbacca (Jason) is on the death star when it blows up. Howard said he likes that he calls Jason Chewbacca.
Howard kept Fred on the phone to play a game to win some money. Howard had a Homeless Game to play with him so he set that up and played a test question with him. The question was ''What sport does Serena Williams play?'' The homeless guy said it was ice skating.
Howard played the next questions and Fred had to get 3 out of 5 right to win $500 courtesy of a new G4 TV show called Two Months, Two Million. Here are the questions and answers:
Howard said he should replay that Yucko the Clown call to Gary the Retard since they just spoke to Gary. He said that everyone goofs on Yucko and the one guy he can goof on is Gary the Retard. Howard replayed the call that he had played earlier this morning.
Howard said he thinks those calls have been going on for a long time between Yucko and Gary. Gary just wants to do shows with Bob Levy and Yucko.
Howard played the call that Elephant Boy made to a taffy shop complaining about the taffy being stuck to his teeth and explaining that's why he speaks the way he does. She eventually hangs up on him after he gets a phone number wrong time after time.
Howard said Sour Shoes was trying to prank Ronnie but Ronnie blew up at the guy. Howard said that Ronnie is his security guy there and he thinks that he's his only client. Robin and Artie said they use him too. They said it's Phantom Security. Howard said they're actually very good but Ronnie doesn't drive him on the weekends or after 2pm during the week.
Howard said Ronnie was apparently busy when Sour Shoes called in. Sour Shoes called in and said he was this guy Mike that used to drive for Ronnie. Sour got through to him but Ronnie knew it was a fake because Mike doesn't drive for him anymore. Sour Shoes told an intern that his car's temperature gauge was going crazy and asked to speak to Ronnie. Ronnie picked up and told Sour to leave them alone up there. Sour was doing his baby voice and making baby sounds while he had him on the line.
Howard said Tim Sabean called Sour Shoes and asked him to knock it off. That didn't work though. Ronnie said that Sour just called him like 5 minutes ago. He said that they let him call in on Speakerphone and just let him ramble on.
Howard played the audio of Tim Sabean trying to get Sour to stop doing the prank calls. Sour said he was bored because it was raining out. Tim told him to call Jim McClure or Brad Driver instead of faking his voices and misrepresenting himself to guests of the show. Sour was doing his baby voice and asking Tim what he was doing for dinner and kept him on the line longer than he wanted to be on.
Gary said that Sour gets him about one out of every 10 times he calls. He calls in as a bunch of different people they've dealt with in the past and sometimes he fools him. Howard said he got a call from someone who claimed to be Chris Rock and he thinks that it was a fake call. He said the guy was complaining about the History of Howard Stern and he hopes it wasn't Chris because he hung up on the guy.
Ronnie said he got some off-black color for him. He said that the brown would look totally stupid. Gary said that the beard was getting really itchy and he was going to shave it off yesterday if they weren't doing this bit today.
Artie said that he might grow a goatee and show Gary how bad it looks. Gary said Artie told him he liked the beard. Artie said the color that it should be is the color it is now and not the colored beard. Artie said he likes the beard the way it is.
Howard asked Ronnie why he has a lunch box with a skull and crossbones on it. Ronnie said he's had it for about 15 years since back at K-Rock. He said that a band gave it to him and it may have been that band Wolfpac. He likes skulls so he liked the box.
Ralph called in and said that he gets pranked by Sour Shoes all the time himself. He said sometimes he'll get prank calls that he did to Ronnie left on his messages. Gary said there is nothing weirder than calling Sour Shoes' house and getting his parents on the line. He said you realize that there's something weird going on there.
Ronnie said he called the house one early morning and some woman answered and said that he wasn't there and he may have gone out painting or something. Gary said that Sour Shoes went to Columbia University. Ronnie said he used to have a hot girlfriend and a car and he was going to get a guitar autographed by Howard. He said that it was really weird.
Gary said that chicks dig him too. He said the interns ask what he looks like when he calls in and they say he sounds like a lot of fun.
Howard asked if they should dye the beard during the break and then come back to see what it looks like. Ronnie said he has to run into the bathroom and shampoo it off after he puts it on. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he was watching Gary washing off the color on his beard. He wasn't sure what brand of stuff it was. Howard said he looks like Jack Gordon now that it's been dyed. He said he has to shave it off now.
Gary said that Howard just tipped it over because he's right about the Jack Gordon thing and he knows it looks really bad. Ronnie said that the beard isn't grown in all the way yet so it isn't taking the color very well. Artie said he liked it natural.
Gary said he's not going to walk around like this. He said that this is like 8 days of growth or so. Artie said it wasn't horrible but he liked the natural look better. Ronnie said he can take it home and fill in the missed spots himself.
Howard said it would be funny if the dye stuck to his skin and he had a big black mark stuck on his chin. Howard and Robin thought Artie was goofing on Gary telling him to keep it. Artie said he's not doing that. Howard said that he should walk around with it and he'll see if he can get used to it. Gary said it'll probably be gone tomorrow. Artie told Gary to just keep the hair on his head and not bother with the beard.
Howard had Artie make an announcement about playing the Beacon Theater soon. Artie said that he's doing that for the NY Comedy Festival. Nick DiPaolo is opening for him. The show is on November 6th and tickets go on sale today. He said that they're available at NYComedyFestival.com starting at noon.
John Boy said that he had to catch his breath before he read his list. Howard said he knows what that's like because you do have to calm yourself down when you call into a radio show. Artie said he and another comic used to do coke all the time and he wanted to call into Howard one time saying he was in NAMBLA doing a gay voice. Artie aid he got past an intern and Stuttering John but then Gary got him and asked him where his next meeting was and when he paused, he hung up on him.
Howard used to call into some shows and he used to get nervous just like John Boy was. Howard had John Boy get to his list. John Boy read one reason which is the fact that his father used to work and didn't want to retire. He thinks that Howard will want to keep working. Howard told John Boy he wanted to get out of this because he was bored with it.
John Boy said that Howard is going to walk away from something that he's at the top of his game with and he can't imagine he's going to do that. Howard let John Boy go a short time later.
Ass Napkin Ed said that he did it once a couple of months ago but he can't do it now because he's gained some weight. He apparently has a pretty big penis. Ed said he got ticklish and he had to stop. He said he was as clean as a whistle down there and there was no smell. Howard found that hard to believe with the ass napkin thing going on back there.
Howard asked Ed how much of his penis he got in there. Ed said he got a couple of inches in there. He said it felt good but then felt bad at the same time. He said it felt ''bittersweet.'' Howard congratulated him on that.
Ed said tomorrow is his birthday. He asked Howard if he has any old t-shirts that they can give him because he has to make some money by selling it. Artie said he'd send him a t-shirt but he didn't think he'd get much for it. Ed said he could get a couple hundred for it. He said he's sold some ass napkins and made some money doing that. He said he made 16 bucks on one napkin.
Howard gave Ed $500 courtesy of that G4 show ''Two Months, Two Million.'' Artie said he'd send him a t-shirt too. Ed also asked if he could take over for Riley Martin. He said he can't give him that show right now. Howard called him a Wack Packer and Ed seemed to get upset by that and said that he's just a friend of the show and not a Wack Packer.
Artie said that the mayor of Hoboken was arrested on corruption charges after being in office for just a couple of months. He said that he'd legalize drugs in Hoboken and the cops would start at $200,000 and firemen at $150,000 a year and he'd use the money from the drug sales to pay their salaries.
Steve said that Paula Abdul leaving American Idol is much like Jackie Martling leaving the Stern Show. He said that she's got other shows making offers to have her on though. Steve also said that they have a story about Jeff Jarvis' cancer and how he's blogging about it.
Jon Hein came in next with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list of subjects for today's show.
Robin said that police are blaming the intenrt for more rape cases. howard said it's much easier to date on the internet now so he believes that. Robin said that they don't have to hunt and stalk their prey anymore. The woman are right there looking to date so these rapists pray on them.
Robin had some details about Reggie Miller getting into some trouble for texting some woman. He had some pictures of her on his phone and she claims that she never sent them so there is some confusion about that. The woman's boyfriend is upset about the whole thing of course.
Robin said she had a story about this coach who was being blackmailed by some woman and he wasn't going to pay. He ended up admitting he had sex with the woman in a restaurant though.
Robin read about how Bill Clinton was in Las Vegas while his wife was out traveling. Robin said that Bill and his ''rat pack'' were dining at a restaurant there while his wife was in the Congo.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that he's going to be trying out for the Price is Right. Eric said that they're going to be looking for people in New York. Howard said that he'll never get it. He said he looks like John Wayne Gacy. Eric asked him to make a t-shirt for that day.
Howard wasn't sure what he was looking for. He said he might make one saying ''He's Gay'' and having an arrow pointing at Drew Carey or something. Howard said he's not going to make him a t-shirt. Howard said Eric doesn't know the price of anything because he never pays for anything.
Howard asked what a quart of milk costs. Eric said maybe 2.39. Artie said they didn't ask him what his weight was in 8th grade.
Howard said they're going to make a t-shirt that says ''I'm a Fat Fuck'' for him to wear to the Price is Right tryout. Eric said that he'll keep them posted on what happens. Howard said he knows what will happen. He'll get thrown out of there. Eric said that Steve Langford can come with him. Howard said he'll try to get that shirt made for him.
Eric said that he'll get a shirt made that says ''I Love Howard'' if he gets on the show. Howard said he hopes they'll think that it's Howard K. Stern.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Michael Vick and how he'd be better off if he had done something to a human being instead of dogs. People are more upset about the dog thing than they are with wife beating. Robin said she thinks the whole case has been mishandled since the beginning. She said that he should have been sent to some kind of rehab so he could learn how kind dogs can be an maybe he could teach others to be kind to them as well. They had to take a break after that.
After the break Howard came right back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin said that Joey Buttafuoco is suing Mary Jo Buttafuoco over claims she made in her book about him being a sociopath. Howard said that's just her opinion and he's not sure that's so wrong. He said she could have called him worse in that book if she really wanted to.
Robin read some news about Judge Sonia Sotomayor's inauguration party. They spent a short time talking about what that party might have been like. Howard said that the Kennedy's are known for throwing some really wild parties so he wondered if Sotomayor's was that wild. Howard said it would be cool if Ted Kennedy hooked up with Sonia.
Robin read about a guy who was charged with six counts of sexual battery on a minor. The guy had sex with the boy on several vacations at his mobile home. The guy was a ''youth mentor'' and Howard said he tends to mistrust anyone in those roles. He said that Imus should have to get a degree before he's allowed to mentor kids at his cancer ranch. Howard said the guy is a fucking disc jockey. Howard said he wouldn't keep a kid locked up at his ranch if the kid didn't want to be there. Howard said he's not even sure Imus' wife should be in Imus' presence. He said she should be running away too.
Robin read about this new Chevy Volt that's supposed to get 230 miles per gallon. Robin said that it's an electric car that plugs into a regular home plug. Howard said that this is the kind of thing that will save the car companies. Artie said that it probably does 0-60 in about 60 minutes.
Howard said Imus doesn't need it because he has 4 cancer kids tied to a car that can pull him around. Robin said the Volt's 230 mile range is based on charging the car once per day. Robin said that the car was going to get 230 miles per gallon so Howard asked why it was ''gallons'' if it's an electric car. Robin said that's the way they equate the mileage to compare it to other vehicles. (It's actually a Hybrid so it does have a gas engine.)
Robin read some news about the crash that happened in New York over the weekend. The family of the Italian family that died has been notified about the deaths.
Howard said that going up in a helicopter for frivolous reasons is pointless. He said that he doesn't do that an he only uses them for business.
Robin read some news about President Obama's health care plans and how many people are very upset about it. Robin had some audio of some people talking about that stuff.
Robin read about federal agents raiding a pharmacy where Michael Jackson may have gotten some of his prescriptions. Howard said he was still thinking about the fake nose story and if that could really be true. He said he'd like to know what that looked like if his nose was really fake.
Robin read some news about Michael Douglas' son who was arrested on drug charges recently. He apparently tried to get some drugs smuggled into him but the guards found out when he got a toothbrush after he had just gotten another one recently.
Robin read a story about a new reality show with Lorenzo Lamas' kids. The son apparently slept with one of his step-moms and the relationship may be kind of weird now that Lorenzo knows about it. Lorenzo makes an appearance on the show too. Howard said that his daughter is ''stripper hot'' and won on The Bachelor one season.
Robin read that the Miss Universe that was in there is going to be topless on the cover of Maxim Magazine. Howard said she was acting like she was too good for that when she was in there recently.
Robin read that Simon Cowell has made a $45 million a year deal with American Idol. Artie thought it was $15 a year but Robin said it's 45 per year. Artie sounded shocked by that. Howard said he would do it for 20 million and he'd be just as captivating as him. Howard said he could probably get kids to commit suicide on the show by trashing them in his own way.
Robin said that Latoya Jackson is going to be on American Idol as a judge. Howard said she used to do his show all the time but not since Jack Gordon died.
Robin read about the guy who wrote the song ''You Light Up My Life'' who had allegedly scammed some women into meeting with him so he could allegedly rape them.
Robin said that Tom Cruise's son Connor is getting into acting. She read about the movie he's going to be part of.
Robin had a story about a 500 pound inmate who hid a pistol in the folds of his skin. He was sentenced for selling illegal copies of CDs but was charged on weapons charges after he admitted to smuggling in the gun in his folds.
Robin read a story about a man who was found guilty of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World. It was a woman playing the part of Minnie when he groped her. Robin said that the guy's son claims that his father would never touch anyone like that. They had to end the show around 10:35am.
Gary said he'll probably shave it off. He wondered if there will be any dye stains under there when he shaves it. He said that he needs to know before he shaves it. Gary said he hates mustaches so he won't be growing that. He said he'll just shave the whole thing.
Gary told Jon how Ronnie was painting him and how he was in the middle of a break with Howard that's very important. He said he wasn't paying attention to what Ronnie was doing. He said he went into the bathroom to wash it out and he was shocked at how dark it was. Gary said that there were spots that were missed so it looked odd that way. He said he could touch that up but then he thought the color was off. He said he and Ronnie talked about the way he could get it to look more natural but he wasn't sure he wanted to do that. He said he could take half the time and just shave.
Jon said Ronnie tried to find the right color for him but he didn't want black. He said that Craig Gass once dyed his hair black and it looked very fake. He said he called that ''Craig Gass Black'' after seeing it. He said that he didn't want to go black but that's what Ronnie brought in.
Benjy said he liked the way Gary's goatee was when it was white. He said that it looked better in photos than in person. Gary said he's going to go by what it looks like in person.
Teddy said he liked the beard because it looked natural. He said that Ronnie didn't do Gary's moustache at all so it looks odd there too. Gary said he felt really weird when Howard mentioned Jack Gordon because he had a jet black goatee. It was very obvious that he was dying it and no one ever said a word to him.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how Gary can look at Ronnie and take advice from him. Gary said it wasn't his idea, the show came up with the idea to do it. The caller said that guys like Ronnie and Mike Walker dye their hair and it doesn't look right.
Gary said that he's probably going to be shaving it off unless there will be dye on his chin. He said if that's possible he'll keep it on.
Another caller told Gary he has to pick out a color on his own and not let anyone pick it out for him. The caller said he dyes it himself and he looks 10 years older when he doesn't dye it.
Jon asked the caller if Gary will have the dye on his chin. The caller said he should have let it grow in before doing it. He suggested that he get some color himself and try it out himself. The caller wasn't sure if the dye would be on his chin or not.
Gary asked the guy if he had to tinker and make adjustments to the coloring. The guy said that he had to tinker with it a bit. Benjy didn't think that it was that crazy that a stranger would notice it.
Gary asked the caller if he thinks that there are people who he thinks are talking behind his back about it. The guy said that he doesn't think that's the case at all.
Ronnie came in so Jon asked him how he thought his dye job came out. Ronnie said he likes it. He said that they should have waited for the beard to grow in a bit before they did it though. He doesn't think that there will be dye on his chin if he shaves it but he's not sure because he's never done it. He said he did get dye on his finger though and it's still there.
Ronnie told Gary he has to do it himself and play with the way he does it to get it just right. He doesn't have to do a lot to make it work.
Jon asked Ronnie about what he had in his skull covered lunch box today. Ronnie told him about all of the stuff he had brought in to do the dying and it sounded pretty involved. Ronnie said it's really not that big of a deal and it doesn't take long to do.
Jon asked Ronnie about the skull thing and why he's so into that. Ronnie said he's not sure why he's so into it but he is. He said he likes skulls and he has like 30 skull t-shirts at his house. He said he used to like Mickey Mouse too. Gary said that's weird.
Gary said that Ronnie and a friend of his were obsessed with Mickey Mouse for a while and he found that kind of funny. The skull thing isn't all that weird and he's used to that now that he's seen him out with his skull t-shirts and stuff. Ronnie said Richard Christy gave him some shirts from this company Dirt Bag and they have some cool skull stuff too.
Ralph called in and told Gary that he should grow it in for a couple of weeks and just try it out. Gary said it wasn't his idea to dye it and he's not sure he wants to keep it at all.
Ass Napkin Ed called in and said that Gary looks like a primate already and maybe this makes him look even more like a monkey. Gary said he has 9 bathrooms in his house and Ed shits in a bucket. Ed said he doesn't care because he's not the one that looks like a monkey.
Gary said that he wants Ed to stop calling his voice mail. He said Ed never has anything to say in the conversation. Ed said he was calling in to compliment him and to give him some tips and he went off on him. Gary said that he's saying he looks like a dyed ape. Ed said he didn't say that at all and he was just saying that people think he looks like a primate and maybe the facial hair was a bad idea.
Ed asked Gary if he's going to grow a tail next. Gary said he might just do that. Ronnie said that's better than walking around with a napkin in his ass.
Ed said he wants Gary to call him back because he has important stuff to talk about. Gary said he never has anything to say though and he can't be calling him back all the time.
Ed said that he just bought a 32 inch TV but then he complained that he can't afford to move. Gary said that's because he just bought a 32 inch TV. Ed said that's just a one time thing though. Ed said his rent is only $235 a month up in Buffalo.
Gary asked if he upped his cable bill to get HD TV. Ed said he upped it by getting Howard TV. He's spending money on an HD TV and Howard TV but he can't afford to move. Ronnie said that they're all paying for that too.
Ed claims that he owned his own business but he's retired now. He ended up getting sick and had to retire. Ed said he got a mental illness and he can't work. He's paranoid schizophrenic.
Jon and Gary asked Ronnie about doing the security thing and how he's gotten some power there to tell people what to do. Ronnie said he really doesn't do that though... except with Benjy. Gary said that Ronnie never told people what to do when he was just driving so they never got to know that part of him. He still had that attitude though.
Ronnie said that they hired him to do security after one of the interns ran into the studio naked and another guy walked into the studio after coming up on the freight elevator.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked if she could come in and audition for Rick's Cabaret. Ronnie said that she can come down on any Friday night when he's there. She said that she's 38 years old but Ronnie said that's fine. She said she was on the show about 15 years ago. She said that she's thinner now than she was back then.
Another caller said that he wanted to talk about the hair club for men thing. Ronnie said it's a dye and it's not a hair transplant. Ronnie said that he's got his hair even if it is thinning a little bit. The caller said Gary should shave it off. He said it doesn't look that great.
Gary said that Howard dyed his hair years ago and he went really black with blue streaks in it. He said that jet black is ridiculous looking unless you're in a band.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Howard obviously hates Mike Gange but he keeps him employed because he does a job well. He said that his impression of Gange shows that he really hates him.
Jon asked Ronnie what he thinks about that whole Gange thing. Ronnie said that he was talking to Gange yesterday and he was really bent about the whole thing. Gary said that Howard's side of the story about Gange working at his house was that Gange didn't like working that job and they were glad when he left.
Ronnie said that you have to just go with what Howard says and not worry about it. He said he should be glad he still has a job. Benjy said he's still waiting for the period where he feels liked by Howard. He said he's not even sure what ''liked'' means with Howard.
Gary said that Howard has taken them out before and he's had some fun with people like Benjy. Gary said that he and Jason were talking about the shit that Benjy has taken on the show. He said that they were in Vegas years ago and Benjy was going to be hidden away so no one could see him at the live show and Benjy just wanted to be on the stage somewhere. He asked the TV guys to put him up there the next time but they didn't do it. They put him in some kind of tower with Scott the Engineer. Gary said he always felt bad for Benjy about that.
Ronnie said that Howard has been very different toward him since they got to SIRIUS. He said that he has lightened up on him.
Gary said that Howard used to goof on him about a nose whistle that he thought he had and he didn't get why Howard was goofing on him like that. He said it was really hard for him at times. Gary said that Howard used to go off on him about how he looked and it would really distract him from doing the show. He said it's tough with Howard sometimes.
Jon said that it seems like Howard really likes JD even when he's goofing on the guy. He said that when he's goofing on Gange it seems to be a different type of thing.
Gary said that JD's position has been filled by many people over the year. Howard used to treat him like that because he was the low man on the totem pole. He said that JD fills that position right now. He said that no one else is really under him so maybe that's why Howard is treating him the way he is.
Jon said that Ronnie seemed to be at peace with Sour Shoes today. Ronnie said he has to take it for what it is. He said the guy is completely whacked out so he can't get too upset.
Ronnie said he went to a place with Howard one time and Sour Shoes showed up and had set up his whole thing on the street after finding a plug on the street to plug into. Ronnie had to run so Jon went to commercial break around then.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Piers is a cool guy and very honest and that makes a great guest. The guy also said he likes Benjy now but he used to hate him.
The caller asked how the emails are with Artie lately because he thinks that he's jumped the shark. Jon said Artie can't do right because people say he's either talking too much or not enough. The caller said he thinks that he's just not funny and they should bring back Jackie. Gary said they can't just do that. He said he loves Jackie but they're not that show anymore. Gary said the show has gone in a different direction and the fit wouldn't be what he'd want.
Another caller said that Sour Shoes is a great guest and he loves the calls he made to Steve Langford. He said they should follow him around with a camera. Gary said he's with the guy and he'd love to know what he does. He said Sour Shoes doesn't let them see all that much of him though. He just lets them see what he wants them to see.
Jon said that Sour Shoes is very well rounded with his knowledge. He knows a lot of information and he can talk music or sports and knows a lot about it all.
Gary said Sour Shoes knows a ton of facts and he just knows it all when he throws it out there. Jon said you rarely catch him saying something gout of place but when you do he just goes into that baby voice and moves on.
Benjy asked if Riley was going to get paid to do the Meet the Shrink show. Gary wasn't sure about that. Gary said he was talking to Shuli about it today and he was asked if he thinks that Riley will come back or just leave. Gary said he thinks that Riley is never going to be happy so he may come back but he will end up leaving again because he is such a bitter, angry guy.
Another caller said that Riley is never going to listen to a shrink. He said they need to get him a teacher. Gary said he wouldn't listen to a teacher either.
Benjy said he thinks that Riley will get the shrink to negotiate with Howard and he'll try to get Howard to change.
Gary said that he thinks the piss jug is something that they need to discuss and he wondered if that would happen. The guys talked about how Riley believes so much in what he talks about and Benjy was saying that he thinks that he's been proven credible by some stuff that has aired on TV.
Benjy said he thinks that there is some kind of life out there but he's not sure what kind of life forms they are.
Another caller said that Riley shouldn't be allowed on again. He said that they need to give Chuck Zito another hour. Gary said that the guys like Riley and Eric the Midget are entertaining because of the way they act toward the show even when they're giving them things and helping them out.
The caller asked about Sal walking in on his wife and her emotional friend. Gary said that never happened and no one was ever caught doing anything that they know of.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked who puts the names of people up on the PDT screen during the show. The caller thought they misspelled Piers Morgan's name by spelling it ''Piers'' because he thought it was Pierce. The guys told him that it's actually Piers. The guy said he stands corrected then.
Steve Langford came in and said that this started out as a stunt by someone who was calling himself Bob Abooey and this stunt could lead to Artie running for office. He said that George Bush did get elected so maybe Artie could get elected too.
Benjy said that the listeners might just vote Artie in. Gary said he thinks that he would get a lot of votes but he probably wouldn't be elected.
Steve said that this guy has on his web site that they need a lot of volunteers to go out and try to get Artie elected. Steve said that it seems to be a fairly serious thing even though the guy is going by Bob Abooey.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that there is no one more capable than Artie running for mayor. He said that he is a true train wreck and he would be perfect for the job.
A caller asked if they're going to get any live Friday shows this fall season. Gary said they don't have anything planned like that. He said they don't really have any ''fall season'' to speak of so that's not happening.
A caller told Gary how great he was on the TV show ''Z Rock'' recently. Gary said that they just kind of wing that show and he had fun doing that. Gary said Ralph is a huge fan of that show and no one at work talked to him about it. That was the first call he got about it.
Another caller said that he thinks that Steve Langford should do a profile of Sour Shoes and not even follow him around with a camera. Steve said that's a good idea. He said that he was laughing out loud at Sour Shoes this morning but he also got 300 phone calls goofing on him with Sour Shoes in those calls. He said it's one thing laughing at him and another being on the other end of it.
Gary said he heard that Sour Shoes made some money in the stock market and that's why he doesn't have to work. Steve said that he could do the profile but it would take some time to do. He said it's a great idea. Jon told him to run it by Brad Driver and see what he has to say about it.
Another caller said that Sour Shoes is one of the greatest guests they have on the show. He said they need to give him his own show. Gary said Sour Shoes has been on the show before and he used to stand out in front of the building playing his keyboard.
Shuli came in and said that Sour Shoes did his own show there. The caller said they need to interview him. Gary said they did and he doesn't really answer direct questions. He said he's fun to talk to on the phone but not so much in the studio.
Shuli said that when he's in his own territory he's good. He thinks that if they brought a camera to his house and did a special there, that would be fascinating to him.
Jon took a call from a guy who mentioned that Sour Shoes was at Gary's father's funeral. Gary said he thought it was kind of sweet. He said that he didn't even get upset with him that day because he likes him so much. Gary said he was even out in the parking lot throwing a football to himself. He said his relatives wanted to know who the weird guy was out there throwing the ball to himself.
Another caller said that he's wanted to run his truck off the road today when he heard Imus. He said that he has more respect for Howard after hearing that Imus thing.
Gary said that Robin brought up Paul Newman's name today and he has a lot of respect for him because he did things very quietly. He never bragged about it like Imus seems to be doing with his charity. Gary said that you never saw Paul Newman on TV bragging about that stuff. He said he might be the template for that kind of thing.
The guys talked about how much Howard really does dislike Imus and how deep those feelings run. Gary said that when he was working with Howard when Imus was there at WNBC he missed most of the crap. He said that he worked during Imus' show and he was always very nice to him. He said he was very moody though and he was very dismissive of people at times. Gary said he was in his studio every morning but he didn't work for the guy. He was just working around him. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show complaining about Fred changing the level of the music at the start of the show. Fred said he was trying to save Howard's ears. Howard said he can control that himself. Robin said she was enjoying that techno song that his father was in at the start of the show. Howard said he has no idea what his father does all day but he must be recording songs. He said he must do that at night since he is a creature of the night.
Howard said Joan Rivers was going to be coming in today. Howard said she has stopped talking to Kathy Griffin after the roast. He read that in his notes about her. He said something must have happened.
Artie said that Joan slapped some guy back stage at the roast. He said that she just slapped the guy after asking who was in charge there at the roast. Artie said that she was complaining about the way she was being treated there.
Robin said they did hear about what happened when someone talked about Melissa on that radio show. Gary said he heard that the Kathy Griffin thing might be a joke after seeing what happened on the roast.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's ever jerked off with his dog in the room. Howard said he doesn't even like when the dog is in the room when he has sex. He doesn't jerk off with her in there. Howard said he hasn't has the dog do anything weird other than lick his feet when they're having sex.
The caller asked how the whole thing is going with Beth going away on a trip for a month. Howard said it is what it is. He said she's excited about it and he might go out and visit her. He said that will be it.
The caller said he hopes that she doesn't get used to being away from his snoring. Howard said that this guy is annoying him. He had to hang up on the guy. Howard said he didn't get much sleep last night and he's kind of irritated this morning.
Howard said he was up until 10:30 last night. He was watching Steve Shiripa's new TV show ''Face the Ace.'' Beth used to work with Steve so they wanted to see the show. Howard said the show looks really low budget and he didn't think it was going to work. Then he watched the show and thought it was great. He said that a guy sits down and plays poker against a professional player and if you win you get some big money. Howard said one guy won $40,000 and another guy is going for a million on another show. Howard said 40 grand is a lot of money and that one guy stopped while he was ahead. Howard said that's a lot of money to win in one game.
Howard said the guy playing now lives in the basement in his mom's house and he's already won $200,000 and he's going or the million. Howard said you'd think he'd stop there but he's going for the million. Howard said this guy has already cleaned out two pros and he's still going.
Howard said the show was a lot of fun to watch. He said the pros are really good and you see these regular guys beating them. Howard said the show was on NBC but it had such low production values. He thought it was kind of strange. Howard said the guys that play are kind of creepy looking and they look like they just crawled out from under a rock.
Howard said he loves watching poker so the show was good for him. The guys talked about how a lot of professional poker players are kind of strange people. Howard said he wanted to give Steve a plug for that show so that's why he was talking about it. He said it was really good though.
Howard was watching some other TV yesterday. He's been taking a break from playing chess lately. He said he had to give it a rest for a little while. Howard said Laura, who says she isn't his assistant, tells him about some of this stuff. He said that Laura does everything for him but she doesn't want to be called an assistant. Howard said he's not even sure what her title is.
Howard got sidetracked by Artie when he heard him getting his breakfast. Howard had to turn his mic off because he was making so much noise. Artie asked if he wanted him to waste away to nothing. Howard told him to go ahead and eat.
Howard said Rob is a great executive and he knew how to make money. Howard said he'd hire him if he ran a company. Howard talked about how great he was to work with and how he was honest with him and didn't lie like other executives.
Howard said his mom got him into playing with marionettes when he was a kid but he did have a stash of guns to play with. He said his mom didn't want him to have any guns but he was a little boy so he told his mom that he wanted that kind of stuff to play with.
Howard said his mom always makes it seem like she had a master plan for him. She tells him that she didn't want him to have guns but she tells him that he thought about it and he really wanted guns because he's a boy. He said she told him that she let him get a gun because he made a good argument that he knew that it was a fake gun and not a real one. Howard said he's not a moron.
Howard said his mom makes a whole saga out of everything. He did his impression of her for a little while making up some of the conversations they have about that stuff.
Artie said he never had any GI Joe stuff. Howard said he never did but he did have toy soldiers. He said he didn't like those. He said he played with pens and pencils as soldiers instead of the toy soldiers. Howard said each pencil was like a spy and he would work them back and forth instead.
Howard said his mother thinks that she created something great. She tells him that she raised him to be sensitive to women and then he has to ask her if she actually knows what he does for a living. Howard said he does love women but she failed at making him be sensitive to women. Robin said that Howard can be kind of sensitive to them but in his head he's just ogling them. Howard said she's right about that.
Robin said that Howard has to have a male therapist because he would be just sexualizing a woman. Howard said that's true and that's why it was suggested that he get a male therapist.
Howard said he would probably spend 24/7 trying to get laid if he had a Demi Moore as a therapist. Howard said she's too hot to be a therapist. Howard said he'd be paying her to date him if he was going to her as a therapist.
Howard said there was one movie where Demi Moore was accused of sexually harassing an employee. Howard said that's such a movie thing because that would never happen in real life. He said he'd be thrilled to be harassed by Demi Moore.
Scott mentioned that they had to pan the camera around and that's what made the noise. Howard did his impression of Orson Wells talking to a recording studio engineer in a clip they play on the show once in a while. He was goofing around with that and had Fred play the clip he was referring to.
In the clip Orson gets pissed at the engineer for interrupting him. He takes a sip of water and asks to speak to a ''Mrs. Rogers.'' Howard said you know that she must have to put up with a lot of crap from him.
Howard said that Orson Wells was probably right because he did a good take. Howard said his father used to do recordings like that and the first take was always the best but they'd have people do more takes because they wanted to make it seem like they were doing more work. Howard said his dad used to watch it all the time and they would just bill out the whole day busting a guy's balls making him work all day. He said they wanted to make sure they got it exactly right.
Howard said he'd like to know who that Mrs. Rogers was. He said she was in charge apparently. Howard said he Orson got those people in line in that clip. Robin said the other one that's great is the William Shatner clip where he gets people into line.
Howard said Gary told him that Eddie Murphy had a bit about GI Joe. Howard wasn't familiar with that. He played the clip where Eddie talks about GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip.
After the Eddie Murphy clip Howard played the William Shatner recording session where he gets pissed off at the engineer for asking him to do another take on something he had just done perfectly. He was asked to do the read with more excitement. Shatner laughs and agrees to do another take and then goofs on the engineer for a couple of minutes. Shatner wanted to do the read exactly like the engineer was going to do it so he insisted that he read it the way he wanted it so he could do it exactly that way.
KC talked about a fighting thing he was going to be doing in South America and said that stuff fell apart. Howard had some other ventures that KC has been involved with too.
Last august KC called in to promote a debt elimination program. KC said those people helped him out last year. He said that they do help people out but he doesn't work with them now.
Howard said that in January 2008 he called in to promote another web site but that fell apart. He also promoted a fight that went away too. KC said that he wasn't allowed to promote the fight thing and he didn't know about that.
Howard said in January 2007 KC called in to promote an online cell phone show. KC said that cell phone company went under. KC said he had an internet show too. Howard said KC called in to promote a DVD that was coming out in 2007. KC said that DVD sold 8 copies. He said that was the DVD with Miss Howard TV shooting guns.
Howard said KC called in to promote the Son of a Gun pasta sauce. KC said that was the best sauce ever and it was Johnny Fratto's at the time but they gave it away or something. KC said it was awesome.
Howard said KC was selling a laptop computer when he called in once. He also called in to promote the Beverly Hills Angels calendar to help find girls for it.
Howard said KC was working as a body guard for escorts. KC said that got him put in jail. He said he had a license problem (Warrants) that led to him getting arrested. He said he got pulled over a second time one night and he was told he couldn't drive so he had to have this chick drive. He said the cop wanted her to drive even though she was on Xanax.
Howard said KC once posed for a poster for some photographer and he was almost nude. KC said the posters sold very well to gay guys. He said that he saw the names of all of the guys who bought them and they must have been gay. That led to Howard playing the ''Gay Photographs'' song parody that Richard Christy created. They also played ''For Those Guys Who Suck Cock (KC Salutes You).''
Howard said Richard Christy bought two of those posters that KC was in. KC said he didn't know that. He said he thinks he helped pave the way for Richard and Sal on that show though.
Howard talked about some of the other stuff that KC has appeared in like some soap operas. Then they played a couple of Richard Christy song parodies about KC. Howard said he had a million of them. Howard said his favorite was ''KC's a F.A.G.''
Howard said KC was going to try out for a football training camp once. KC said that was Stuttering John who wanted to do that. KC said he did have hope at one point in his life and he wanted to play football or work for Howard. He got to work for Howard. He never got to play pro football.
KC said he looks back on his life so far and wonders what the hell he's done. Howard said KC has been trying to rise up and work hard at something. Howard said he gets chicks to live with him because he's a good looking dude. KC said he thought it was his charm. Howard said it's his looks.
KC told Howard he felt kind of like ''The Wrestler'' because he's kind of lost. He said that it was too depressing to talk about but he used to have it made in his life. He said that he had hope when he was in college. He said he got out and started doing things and that's when you realize that the best days are behind you. Howard said KC could have found a good job if he wasn't so good looking. Robin said that KC was a star in high school.
KC said he's working for a new company that can turn your house into a 5 star hotel room. Howard didn't understand what he was saying. He asked if people were going to be moving into his house or something. KC said they'll take your house and turn it into a 5 star hotel room. He said they come in and set up your house like a 5 star hotel in 24 hours.
KC said they'll set it up and it's up to you to keep it looking that way. It's an interior decorating service. KC said he's really bad with the language so that's why it wasn't coming out clear. Artie said that they must do it like they do with the Man Cave thing he did for his house.
KC said that they can help you out if you can't decorate a room yourself. Howard said it sounds like a good idea to him actually. He said if you don't know how to make your room look nice, they come in and do it for you. KC said that was right and he just wasn't able to get it out right.
KC said he had another one that he was promoting. He said they have this deal where you can make money doing this multi-level marketing thing. Howard told him to just give out the number for the decorating service. KC said that is 1-877-LIVE-TUI.
KC said the other thing to check out is GetPaidWithFitness.com or TheTownDick.com or TrainWithKC.com. KC said that's his web site and he's still training people. He made a chick cry the other day. He said that she wasn't doing anything and he wasn't sure why she hired him if she wasn't going to do anything. Howard said most people who are going to hire him are lazy and that's what's going to happen. He said that he should have just kept taking her money.
Howard asked KC if he's actually going to send people the DVD he's putting out this time. KC said that the DVD that he put out years ago that didn't get shipped wasn't his fault. He said that this one will get out.
KC told Howard about this movie called ''Irreversible'' that Monica Belluci is in and how disturbing it is to see her getting raped. He said he was disturbed by it so you know it must be bad.
Howard let him go a short time later and played another Richard Christy song parody about him. This was ''Guys, Guys, Guys'' to the tune of ''Girls, Girls, Girls.'' They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he likes that Black Eyes Peas song. Howard listened to that for a short time. Robin said she likes it too.
Howard said he used to hang out with this singer Estero and she did something with them one time and he saw her do it. He said that Fergie got pissed off at him for saying that he thought Estero was a better singer with the band. Howard said that hasn't affected his life though. He said he's not afraid of them. He said that he's been in some fights in his life and he's been able to fight his way out of them. He said he has been able to get out of it by running away.
Howard said he had to fight in the area he grew up in. He said he had a lot of fights growing up. Howard said the area he lived in was so bad that they had to bring in the state to run the schools because things were getting so bad.
Howard said he had a guy who was going to punch him so he took his books and slammed him in the head. That led to the guy and his friends saying that they were going to beat the shit out of him. Howard said they wanted to fight him after school. They were three white guys and there were only about 10 left in the school at the time. He said that they were the minority.
Howard said he knew he was going to get the shit beat out of him but he didn't want to not get a shot back. Howard said he had to wait for the 3 o'clock bell and wait for them to show up. Howard said no one would step in to help. He said he got beat up pretty good but then he kicked one guy in the nuts.
Howard said he was in a fight one time when this guy started to choke him. He said the guy told him he was about to feel like what it was to die. He said he was about to pass out and the shop teacher saw it happening and threw a piece of chalk at him, not at the guy choking him. He said the teacher told him to cut the shit, not to the black guy who was choking him.
Artie said he heard an Italian kid yell out the N-word one day at school and this black kid was going to beat the shit out of him. Artie said the shop teacher told him to grab the black kid. Artie said he grabbed the kid but pretended to miss him. He got 5 nights of detention for doing that. He said the kid ended up getting dropped down the steps after the black kid got a hold of him. Artie said the kid who was dropped was never the same again after that.
Robin said it's her bra so it should be her money. Howard said they could put the money into a party or new implants for Lisa G or something like that.
Howard said they could just sell it to Eddie and use the money for a party. Robin said they might be able to get more than 10,000. Howard said he's going to think about it and let Eddie know. He let Eddie go after that.
Artie said that he has a bigger story for Lisa. He said he may eat a meal at Pure Food and Wine where Robin eats. Artie isn't sure that he'll find anything to eat there. Howard said Artie will be able to find something there.
Lisa said that she had a story about Beth O's book cover being on BethO.com. Howard wondered how she found that out so quick because they just put that up.
Lisa said that Steve Grillo has revealed how the NY Post found out that he's going to be working for Howard. She said that Steve claims that someone who works for the Post lives above the pizza place and Steve's partner told him about the story. Steve did comment on the story when he was asked about it though.
Lisa said that Jon Hein is going to continue going into the studio during the breaks even though Howard doesn't want them doing that. Howard said Jon is part of the team that comes in and helps out with the show so he is allowed to be in there. Howard said that Mike Gange wishing Robin a Happy Birthday is the thing he was complaining about and he doesn't hate the guy like he thinks. Howard said he likes Gange but he has to stop whining about how hard he works. He said everyone works hard there. He told Gange to stop being a dick. He did his impression of Gange for a short time and said he doesn't work that hard there.
Howard said that he wants to retire just to see what that fucking guy Gange does for a living. Howard said he won't have to work at all after he leaves. Howard said that Gange is always complaining about how he needs a vacation and things like that. Howard said that guys like him can't meet guys outside of the computer. Artie said it is kind of effeminate.
Lisa G asked Howard what his opening line was for Beth when he met her. Howard said he read her palm but he didn't really have a line for her.
Howard read Mike Gange's Facebook page where it says ''Mike Gange is soooooo exhausted.'' Howard said that the word is ''so'' and you don't need the six o's.
Howard said he was at this party where he met Beth and he was one of the most unattractive people there. Howard said someone was talking about getting their palm read so he mentioned that and that led to him reading Beth's palm. Howard said she was there on a blind date and she had given him something off her plate to eat. Howard said the gathering was full of guys from South Africa so they had the accents and that's all he heard.
Howard heard the humming sound in the studio again. Scott DePace told him that the camera was off so he wasn't sure what it was. Artie said that Scott was running out of the office yesterday to get to his golf game. Howard said Scott is another one who works really hard there. Scott said that Mike does put in some long hours at work. Howard said he's working long hours but he's editing a radio show and not doing hard work.
Scott had come in to try and find the humming sound in the studio. Howard said that he wants to see how hard Gange is going to work when he retires from radio. Howard was making fun of how hard Gange claims to work. Scott asked why Gange doesn't stop with the Facebook thing because he even does it out on the golf course. He said he's not sure why he does it at all.
Howard said Gange is posting stuff about sweating and things like that on his Facebook page. Howard said it's really not that interesting. Scott said that he put a picture of Mike up on his page and people were making fun of his body shape and telling him to lose weight. Howard said Gange was exhausted after playing 16 holes of golf. Howard said that's what he gets exhausted from. Howard said he'd be even more tired if he had a wife and kids. Artie said that 82 year old guys golf and don't get exhausted.
Howard got back to the Beth story and said that she was working at Letterman at the time. Howard said that this girl mentioned fortune telling and he goofed on her about it. Howard told Beth her fortune since it was her friend who was telling the story. Howard said he told Beth that two men were in love with her. Howard said the friend said he was right. Howard said he told Beth he could see she was getting a lot of attention and she was very athletic. The other girl told him he was messing with psychic forces and that was wrong. Howard said he realized he was at a party that was full of idiots.
Howard said he got up from that table and went up to the bar. He said he met a chick up there and told her that he was going to a club. She asked to go with him and he took her back to the table. Howard said the girl must have said to him that he had nice eyes. Howard said he thought Beth said it to him but she was just making fun of the other girl. Howard said he thought Beth was into him and he got focused on her right away. Howard didn't know that it was Beth goofing on the other chick.
Howard asked Beth to go to the club too and she didn't want to go. She did end up going but Beth kept telling him to go dance with other girls. He said she just wanted to go home so he dropped the other chick and drove Beth home. Howard said they stayed up until 4 in the morning talking that night. He said that's when Beth found out what a great guy he is.
Howard said he didn't have a pick up line though. He said he's had to rely on his hot looks. He laughed when he said that he's handsome.
Lisa G said that Beth did love Howard's eyes even though she was making fun of that other girl. Howard said he remembers what it was like before he got famous. He had to go to an all girls school to try and pick up girls. He said that they went to the school and found that it was full of retarded girls who were kind of hot.
Howard said he and Dr. Lou went to this school, which was called Pine Manor, and Lou had a chick within two seconds of getting there. Howard said he ended up watching TV and no girl would even talk to him. He said he was such a loser. Howard said he just sat and smoked cigarettes instead. He figured he might look cool doing that.
Artie said he gets chicks to go to Yankee games with him. He has tickets and that works for picking them up. He said that they have to see A-Rod and Derek Jeter though so that doesn't help him.
Howard said he has no pick up lines and he feels stupid saying anything like that. He thanked Lisa for her news preview and let her go.
Howard said Eric called in with something good this morning. Howard asked Eric how his health is. Eric is on pure oxygen now and he's getting better. Howard said he can't lose another Wack Packer. Artie said it sounds like he's taking the proper precautions. He told him to keep it up and take care of himself. He said it's good that he's going to the doctor and all. He said he wants Eric to be around so he's happy about that.
Howard asked Eric if he has good doctors. Eric said he has an Asian doctor and another guy who might be Jewish. He gave Howard the last name but it didn't sound Jewish to Howard.
Eric said that he wanted it wish Johnny Fratto a happy birthday. He asked if Johnny's interviews are going to be aired. Howard said they sent Johnny out to ask some questions on the red carpet but they may not use them. Howard said Johnny is afraid to ask the embarrassing questions. He said Gary listened to the interviews and Johnny was becoming friendly with everyone and not asking the bad questions. Howard said Johnny would ask one nice question and that was about it.
Gary said Johnny was changing the questions and not reading the stuff they gave him. Gary said he was being too nice. He said he thinks that he'll work out though because people seem to like him. He said he buddies up to people right away. Gary said he thinks that will help him out in the future when he finally asks some of those hard hitting questions.
Gary said that Stuttering John could stand up in a room and ask the most horrific question in the world and not care about it. He said that took a lot of balls to do and he has to give him credit for that. Gary said that John has been booed in front of hundreds of people for asking questions.
Gary said that John got Imelda Marcos in a revolving door one time and he wouldn't let her go until she answered questions.
Howard said that Johnny needs to keep trying. He said the first interviews won't be aired though. Eric asked to be the West Coast correspondent but Gary said that the problem with Eric is that he can't go out on a moment's notice.
Eric asked if they have any tickets to the Summer Slam. Howard said they didn't. Gary asked if he's still into Diana DeGarmo because she wants to come on the show again. Eric said he is but he also likes this wrestler from that TNA wrestling people. Gary said that the guy may have been in there the day Diana was there. Eric said that was it. Artie told Eric he was sounding like a shit head now. Eric said he doesn't sound like that fat ass. Howard said he hopes Eric is doing okay. He let him go and took some other calls.
Howard asked why they don't book Gary to do comedy shows anymore. Yucko said it's hard to book him with his handler. He said they will use him out on the road in the North West. Howard said Gary is all freaked out that they're not using him right now.
Howard played the call that Yucko was talking about. He played the call twice yesterday. In the call Yucko calls Gary as Bob Levy and then as a cat and has Gary talking to this cat and apologizing to it.
A caller said they sued to call that place ''Pine Mattress'' because it was all about getting laid there. The caller said that only the losers from Boston College would go there. He said that most of the guys would get lucky there but not all of them. Howard said he was one of the unlucky guys. He didn't get laid while most of the other guys did. Howard and the caller spent a minute talking about that before they went to break.
Howard came back and wondered where that version of the song came from. Fred wasn't quite sure what it was on but there were some albums that they had stuff like that on. Howard said that was a genius song. He said he was going to come right back but he liked that song so much he had to listen to it.
Gary said that he had the whole story about that tape if he wanted to heard it. Howard had to hear more of the song though so he put him off for a minute.
Howard said he loves that guy Steven Stills. He said he used to buy all of his solo albums. Gary said that the song is from the album ''Just Roll Tape'' and it was discovered in 1978 and in 2003 they encouraged Steven to release them. That's how they got on the album.
Gary said that those were songs that Steven had in his head and just wanted to get on tape. They were being performed by Steven alone. Howard said that guy is really good.
Robin said she went to see the 9 to 5 Broadway play and Dolly did all of the songs for that. He said that she's really good and Howard should be upset about her not writing that song about him. Howard said that they may release it to them but she's not going to put it out on her own. Howard said he thinks that it's probably a good song.
Howard said Robin went to see 9 to 5 and Allison Janny is in the lead role and she leaves off the fact that she was in ''Private Parts'' in her list of credits. She left in everything crappy she did except for ''Private Parts.''
Howard said they discovered a few people for his movie. Paul Giamatti was one. Howard said that Paul is doing the Three stooges movie. He said he thinks that whole movie is misguided with the people they have starring in it.
Howard said he used to get home around 6 or 7 and he once told Fred that they had to try this competition where they tried to stay on the air the longest with Jack. Howard said he could stay on for like 25 minutes.
Howard said he would praise Jack first but he would ask idiotic sports questions. He said Jack loved him and didn't even know who he was. He said he didn't want to play one of the 15 minute calls but he was going to play a quick one.
Howard said Jack had no callers so it was easy to get through. Howard said this call lasted 5 minutes and 48 seconds. He went right into the clip after that. In the call Howard told Jack what a great show he was doing and kept kissing his ass to keep him on the line.
Howard said he knew how to keep the guy on the line and he would just ask innocuous questions that made it possible to stay on. He asked him idiot questions.
Howard said he and Fred had a bet to see who could stay on the phone the longest so they had to do what they could to stay on. He said that's why he would keep asking questions while Jack was trying to get rid of him. Jack would say that he wanted to talk to him for the rest of the night.
Howard said that he and Fred would reveal who they were on the show the day after. Fred said he didn't think that they were doing that at that time yet.
Howard said that show was so boring. He said one night they were talking about competitive canoeing. Howard said Jack used to say that they were the only ones talking about canoeing. Howard said that's right because no one cares about it.
Howard said Jack died years ago. Fred said he died while he was on the air. He was playing ''I'm in the Mood for Love'' when he passed away. Howard said the guy was a nice guy and a good DJ. Howard said it's sad that he went out while he was still doing radio.
Howard said he remembers reading the story about Jack dying on the air. The station went silent and the employees ran in to see what was going on and found him on the floor.
JD came in to ask Howard if he wanted to know who he had played. Howard said he knows. He ended up goofing on JD about the way he talks. He said that JD has a big weekend coming up soon. Robin asked what kind of weekend it is. Howard said that it's a weekend with chicks.
Artie said that JD always has plans with chicks when they're out on the road but he always ends up having nothing happening.
Howard had some audio of Richard Christy's father talking about what's going on at the farm. He played the voice mail where Mr. Christy talked about finding a big ol' black snake eating all of the eggs from the hen house. They won't have any baby chickens. He said they also had an armadillo on the farm. He ended the call after giving all of that big news.
Howard said that Joan was there so he had to get to her. He said he had to read an email from a guy who is willing to put a curse on Riley Martin since Riley put one on them. The guy usually charges $400-$1200 to do that but he's willing to waive his cost for the show. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and had Joan Rivers come in. He said she's got her own TV show now. Howard said Joan just came off of the roast on Comedy Central too and Robin was there for that.
Howard said that there was some scene going on in the green room with Joan today. Howard asked Joan if it was embarrassing to do the roast. Joan said that Robin was so good and she loved that whole thing. Howard said that Joan called Robin a mud slide. Joan said Robin was saying some nasty things about her too.
Joan had some more jokes about Robin that she didn't get to use at the roast. She told some of those jokes but she held back at the roast. Howard said she could have leveled the place with those jokes. Howard said people were so cruel to Joan and she wasn't firing back with hard stuff.
Joan said she had pages of jokes for some people who didn't even show up. She had some about Suzanne Somers and more about Robin. Her one joke about Robin was about calling her Cunter Kinte and that had Howard laughing pretty hard. Artie sounded like he was faking all of his laughs this morning.
Joan went on to tell some of the jokes she had about Suzanne Somers. Howard asked if it was true that she didn't allow any jokes about Melissa. Joan said that's not the case. SHe said that seh didn't have the chance to respond to them and she asked them to limit the jokes about Melissa.
Joan said she loves her duaghter and she didn't need her being bashed in the roast. Howard said she is on TV with Joan though so that's why people want to joke about her.
Joan said she knew Greg Giraldo, Jeff Ross and Carl Reiner. She said Carl was great on the roast. She was worried for him but he did great. Joan said she didn't want the same idiots on the roast that are usually on.
Howard aksed about Lisa Lampanelli being asked to be the roastmaster. Joan said that Lisa lied about that whole thing. She said that Lsia is fine but she never asked her to be the roastmaster. Joan said that she was not asked adn she dosn't want her going aroudn claiming she was. Joan said she wnated Kathy Griffin to do it becusae she's her friend.
Joan said that no one had ever seen Robin before and she wanted her to come on. SHe sadi that RObin did great. Howard sadi Robin isn't a comedianne so it must have been risky to do that. Joan thought she did just fine though. Robin said that she couldn't even let her family watch the roast becuse of some of the jokes they were telling. Joan said robin looked amazing and wore a great dress.
Howard sadi Robin was upset that she didn't have time to get ready for the roast and she had her hair piled on top of her head. Joan said that she should have told her about not having time. Robin said they didn't get her there in time. Joan said she looked fine though.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks that Joan did that to sabotage her. Joan jokingly said that's exactly what she was doing.
Howard asked Joan if it's true she's mad at Kathy Griffin. Joan said they went out to dinner the next night to Cher's house and they were joking about the whole thing. She's not mad at her at all.
Howard said that Kathy should be bringing him to Cher's house. He said he's been very nice to her and she never invites him to Cher's house. Howard asked if Cher's ''son'' Chaz was there. Joan said they don't talk about her. She said that Elijah Blue was there though.
Howard asked Joan about Michael Jackson's nose and if she thinks that it was a fake nose like they claim it was. Joan said that the cartilage was probably very fragile and there are some surgeons who won't do a nose after more than two times.
Howard asked about Cher and if she's become a recluse. Joan said that she's doing shows in Vegas for 3 months a year so she's not a recluse. Joan said that they sat in Cher's bedroom looking at the ocean when she was at dinner. She said it was just lovely.
Joan mentioned that Robin had a private plane back to New York from the roast when she did that. Howard asked if that was true. Robin said it was.
Howard asked Joan about what she ate at Cher's house because at Joan's house she served shitty little sandwiches. Robin said those were Watercrest sandwiches. Howard said they were shitty sandwiches and he wanted the crust on them.
Joan said that she has this new show called ''How'd You Get So Rich'' and she's been hanging out with people like Nancy Reagan. She said that she also has a wax figure at Madam Tussauds.
Howard asked Joan about Nancy and what she's up to. Joan said they talk about Ronnie and the roast and everything like that. Joan said she told Nancy some jokes that she told but not the C-word jokes that she told about Robin.
Howard asked Joan about Brooke Shields ending up at Michael Jackson's funeral. Joan said that she thinks that Brooke is a terrible actress but she likes her. She said she doesn't get what that was all about though.
Howard said that Joan has a new TV show that's on Wednesday nights on TV Land. She goes up to people's homes and asked them how they got the money to buy them. Joan said that these homes are all over the country and they're in the middle of nowhere sometimes.
Howard asked Joan about the Octomom and what she thinks about that. Joan said that she should be put away for that.
Howard played a clip of Joan on this news program where one of the reporters joked about her daughter. Joan cursed and walked off the show because of that joke. The guy was out of line according to Howard. Howard said the news cast was serious and the joke came out of left field. Joan said she was tired too and the joke was inappropriate. She said she didn't know who he was and she was being nice to the guy who was doing a show in Sacramento of all places.
Joan said that she should have just said she was out of there and not used the F-word. She said that she didn't like that they apologized for her either.
Howard said that this new Jay Leno show is another thing he and Joan agree on. They both want it to fail. Howard said that Joan used to host the Tonight Show and Jay Leno carried on the feud Johnny Carson had with her by not having her back on the show. Joan said she thinks the show will help the planet because people will fall asleep and put the lights out earlier than normal when it's on.
Howard asked Joan if she's lonely. Joan said she see her daughter and grandson so she's not lonely. Howard said he heard that Joan was stuffing in some Klondike bars. Joan said she loves those things and she wants them to send her some. She said she went nuts when she saw they had some there. She likes the original flavor though.
Howard said Joan eats like Artie Lange does. Joan said that she's awake though. She said Artie slept through her whole interview the last time she was on... just a month and a half ago.
Howard talked to Joan about her new apartment. She was telling Howard that she has a view of the park. Howard gave her some plugs for some shows she has coming up in Las Vegas and some other places.
Howard told Joan about what they're going to do to Chastity Bono to make a fake penis when they turn her into a man. Joan said that's great as long as she's happy. Howard asked Joan what Cher calls Chastity. Joan said she thinks that she's always called her Chaz. That will continue when Chaz becomes a man. Howard gave Joan some more plugs for her TV show and wrapped up with her a short time later.
Howard came back and said he had Mike Walker on the line. The guys told him that he wasn't quite ready yet. Howard asked if Mike wasn't ready or if Scott the Engineer wasn't ready. Scott said they were having some problems with Robin's news clips so they were delayed a little bit. He said he'd have Mike ready in about 2 minutes.
Howard tried to get Mike on the line but he really wasn't there. Howard said they're so professional there. Howard asked Scott where Mike was. Scott said he had to do it from the engineering room and they were in the middle of doing it. Howard asked who he should blame, Scott or Will. Scott said he should blame him. Will said that he was partially to blame. Will said that he assumed that Scott knew that they did Mike Walker every Thursday around this time. Howard asked how long they've been doing this. Scott was laughing so Howard asked if he cares. Scott said of course he cares. Howard said he obviously doesn't care.
Howard said Scott knows he won't get fired. He said the shit heads never get fired and the other guys are the ones who get treated like shit.
Scott told Howard to leave him alone and get this over with so they can let Mike bore the audience. Howard asked him how he's going to avoid this in the future. Scott said he's going to put a sign up that says ''Focus'' so he remembers.
Howard continued to go off on Scott about his work for a few minutes. He said that Scott has been doing this too long and he has to get out of it. He said he knows that Scott hates him. Scott said he doesn't hate him. Howard said it must be envy. Howard said Scott must go around saying ''Why me?'' all the time. He asked Scott to please just help him out and make this happen when it's supposed to happen.
Howard put Mike up and Mike apologized to Scott for boring the audience. Howard said Mike should try to get a picture of Scott in his bathing suit to put in the Enquirer. Scott said they won't find him. Mike said they have things for people like Scott.
Ralph called in and said that it's great when Fred plays Christian Bale clips yelling at Scott. He said that's the funny part of Scott screwing up.
Howard had Speech Impediment Man on the phone to play along and maybe win some money. Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard gave Speech Impediment Man a $500 prize even though he didn't win. Speech Impediment Man wanted to talk about something but Howard cut him off and told him to just stick with the money.
Howard told Gary not to send him personal letters like that anymore. Howard said that he is only to put movies and magazines in his mail. He said that he even wants the Girls Gone Wild magazine. He said that should be a good magazine. That led to the guys talking about Joe Francis and how much money he must be making on those Girls Gone Wild videos and stuff. Gary said that he didn't even get on the show as a booked guest. He just showed up out in Las Vegas one time.
John Boy called in and asked Howard why he's so charged up today. He said it seems like he's really charged up and maybe it's from not playing chess. He seemed to think he was really on his game today. Howard said that's kind of an insult because he's saying that all of his other shows have sucked. Howard said he told Beth he had to do her last night even though she wasn't feeling so good. He said he really needed it so bad that he insisted.
Howard let John Boy go and John Boy told him to have a good weekend. He said he thinks that he'll be on his game again on Monday. John Boy was trying to stay on the phone like Howard did with Jack Specter. Howard said he was doing pretty good today doing that. He said he lasted a full 3 minutes.
Steve said that Captain Janks is in court again. He's got a prosecutor who doesn't think that he should get out of the charges he has against him by paying off the people he ripped off.
Steve said that they have a new show coming up on Monday with Jon Hein and Ralph Cirella with special guest Damon Lindelof. that's on Monday at 7pm on Howard 101.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list of subjects for today's show. That led to the guys talking about Joan Rivers joke about Robin that used the C-word. Howard said that they would have barely bleeped that on Comedy Central if she had used it. He said that years ago they barely bleeped stuff on his own show and demonstrated the bleeps with his megaphone sound effects.
Mutt called in with his Superfan Roundtable preview. Mutt said they'll be talking about Riley Martin getting fired. Howard said he's thinking about having this guy on to put a curse on Riley. They're also going to talk about Johnny Fratto and why Gary Garver isn't doing the interviews out in L.A. for them now. Howard said Gary is very busy doing other stuff and they can't even afford him anymore. Mutt said they'll talk about the Wack Packers and stuff tonight as well. The show airs at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard asked mutt how he thinks Ralph did filling in for him. Mutt said he did a great job and he loves having him fill in for him.
Robin read a story about a guy who had a 2 year old inhaling from a glass pipe. The guy had put it on tape and got arrested for doing it. The pipe apparently had marijuana in it.
Robin read about a new ordinance in a town where they say that parents could be held responsible for their children's actions. Howard said he doesn't understand why parents are responsible for stuff like that. He said it doesn't make sense if your kid beats someone up in school for the parent to be responsible.
Howard said Gary had his beard dyed by Ronnie yesterday and he heard that Artie's mom called him and told him not to shave it off because the dye would still be on his skin. Gary said he's glad she did that because he was going to shave it off. He said she told him to keep shampooing the beard to get as much of it out as he could. Artie said his mom knows about all of that shit. He said that she cuts hair and used to cut his all the time. He said that she was very worried for him and told him to call Gary himself. He told her to just call herself.
Gary said that she was saying that the dye might be on his chin so he kept the hair there. Howard said he should have shaved it because that would be funny. Artie said his mom is ruining the show. Artie said he didn't want to call Gary himself with beauty tips so he made her call instead.
Robin got back to her news and said that it's the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. She said that there are some guys who are on tour as the Heroes of Woodstock. Robin read about that and that led to Howard talking about some of the guys on that tour and how old they're getting. He said that some of those guys are looking really old these days.
Robin read about John Edwards being the father of his girlfriend's baby. She said the National Enquirer revealed that. That led to Howard reading a story about the South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford, who is going to have his lover move into the mansion now that his wife and kids have left him. Howard said that guy has balls. He said that he can't have the kids moving in so soon.
Howard said there was also a story about the coach who used to coach the Knicks and how he may lose his job over an affair he had. Howard said that he didn't know that you could lose a job for doing something like that. Howard said if they start firing people for that we won't have any jobs left. That guy had sex with a woman in a restaurant. Howard said he'd love to have that happen to him. He said he asked Beth to do it in a restaurant one time and she asked him if he was nuts.
Robin read a story about a 17 year old boy who was fitted with a pacemaker after he had a massive heart attack from doing cocaine. Robin said that the kid's mother didn't know he was using coke until he collapsed one day. Now he has to have a pacemaker because his heart is permanently damaged. Howard had to go to break after that.
The break wasn't a commercial break. It was a prank call and a song that Fred played. Howard came back and said that everything had stopped for no apparent reason. Fred said it was the weirdest thing. He said the song was still running.
Robin got back to her news and read about Paula Abdul. She has been offered a job on another Idol show down in Australia. Kelly Clarkson was also doing an interview and she was thinking it might be a publicity stunt. Howard said he heard that she may come back in the middle of the season. He said that she should just go back and beg them to be back on the show.
Robin read some news about the population here on Earth and how it just keeps going up. Robin asked Howard what he thinks the number is. Howard said he would guess 5 billion people. Artie said he thinks it was 5 but it might be up to 6 now. Robin said it's actually over 6 and it should be up to 7 billion by 2011. Howard said it's getting out of hand.
Robin said that there were people who were saying they were just going to have two kids to ''replace'' themselves but that has all gone out the window. Fred said that there are some people who just keep having kids and they end up having to move out of the city because they can't afford it.
Howard said that Artie was trying to unwrap something else to eat. Artie said that he had to complain about the vending machine because number 162 wasn't working and he wasn't able to get this thing. He said he's close to punching the machine and he had to get this other piece of shit that he didn't like. He got a coffee cake with honey glaze on it and he doesn't think that's healthy.
Gary said that Artie used to have a key to the vending machine. Artie said he lost it. He said he thinks that Lisa G had it and she wouldn't give it to him. Howard said there were some great song parodies about Artie loving the vending machine.
Artie said that they should get it away from him if he can't get to it. They played the song parody that Howard was talking about. They also played the ''Artie Loves Pancakes'' song parody.
Robin read a story about Dick Cheney writing a book and talking about President Bush saying that he lost his way and became an ordinary politician. Robin said that he has also said he will be talking about many of the secrets he knew working in government now that the statute of limitations is up on much of that. Howard said that Cheney could never be found when he was Vice President so he went off on him about that.
Robin said that Michael Vick is going to be on 60 Minutes this weekend talking about his dog thing. Robin had some details about what he'll be talking about in that interview. Howard said that guy is a scumbag.
Robin said that Ted Kennedy got a Medal of Freedom along with a few other celebrities. That led to Howard doing his Kennedy impression for a couple of minutes. Fred got in on that as well. Artie did a little bit of that too.
Robin read a story about medical research and using animals for the research. Robin asked Howard what he thinks about that. Howard said you do have to sacrifice animals for that sometimes. Robin said that PETA gathered outside of Camp Pendleton to protest live pigs during training exercises. They shoot the pigs to train doctors how to treat the injuries. Howard wasn't sure about that but he was thinking that it might be necessary. Robin said they euthanaize them after they have been treated. Howard got back into his Kennedy impression during that discussion.
Robin was saying that it's possible that we're going to run low on sugar soon. Robin said that some companies are threatening to raise prices and cut off some foods if they aren't allowed to import sugar into this country. Howard did more of his Kennedy impression and goofed around with Fred and Artie on that for a couple more minutes. during that story and others.
Robin read about a defamation lawsuit that Howard K. Stern brought on to the author of a book about Anna Nicole Smith. Stern has been told that he can't sue over the claims that he was gay. The judge told him that being called gay is no longer contemptible. Artie said he loves that. He said he has a lot of guys who he's going to call gay now.
Robin read about a guy who locked his girlfriend in a truck in very hot weather. Robin said that the woman was found in the abandoned truck and the boyfriend was accused of locking her in there to die. He was arrested and charged with endangering the disabled. Fred played Wendy the Retard audio clips during that story.
Robin read about Leonardo Dicaprio having a new girlfriend. Howard said that guy gets more chicks than even Nicholson did. Robin said he's dating a 23 year old Russian model. Howard said he'll probably break up with her in 2 years. He seems to have a 2 year limit on the girls he dates. Howard said he should be the new Hugh Hefner, not the Girls Gone Wild guy.
Robin said that Michael Jackson is not buried. She said that the family is still trying to figure out where to bury the body. Robin wrapped up a short time later and Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
Benjy asked Gary if he knew about Joan when he was a kid. Gary said he did know about her in the middle 70s or so when she was on the Tonight Show. Gary said that's how she became really well known. He said she used to do vicious attacks on Elizabeth Taylor back then.
Jon said that there has been a resurgence of Joan lately. Jon asked Gary if he thought it was right for Joan to say she didn't want the usual idiots doing her roast. Gary said ''sure.'' He said that he gets what she was going for. He said that David Brenner was glaringly missing from the roast though. He said that even Garry Shandling should have been there.
Jon said that Joan also said that Lisa Lampanelli was never asked to do the roast. Jon said that he thought Lisa said she would only do it if she was the roastmaster. Benjy said it did seem like Joan was telling the truth but Lisa could have been too. They may not have known that the discussions were going on. Benjy said that Joan did kind of take a dig at Lisa too like she might want to expand her repertoire.
Benjy said he thinks that Sarah Silverman would have been good on the roast. Jon asked the guys what they thought about Joan not letting anyone take shots at Melissa. Gary said he thinks that she should have been in the mix but everyone has a ''threshold of humility'' they have to deal with. Gary said he thinks it was just Joan being over protective of her daughter.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he doesn't like Joan at all but he wanted to know who his favorite guests are. Gary said he loves Joan and Gilbert Gottfried. He said that his list has changed over the years though. He said he likes having Kathy Griffin on too. Gary said that Joan is a ''regular regular'' on the show. He said that she and Gilbert have been on the show the most. Jon said he loves Gilbert on the show the most. Gary wondered if Kinison would still be coming on if he was around.
Another caller said that Carl Reiner was almost unwatchable on that roast. Gary said he didn't see that. He said that he was a very funny guy years ago as a writer. He said that he wasn't sure how his segment was on the roast. Jon said he didn't see it either but he heard what he did. Gary said he heard that Carl didn't know what he was in for and didn't know that it was going to be as harsh as it was.
Gary said that he was told they didn't bleep the word ''cunt'' on that show when they played it late. He found that very hard to believe. That led to the guys talking about how they do let some curse words out on Comedy Central but not all. They have no problem with ''shit'' but ''cunt'' is a problem.
A caller asked who the last person would be to roast Howard when they do a roast. Gary said that he'd really like to have Chris Rock, Jimmy Kimmmel, Lisa Lampanelli, Gilbert Gottfried and maybe Kathie Lee Gifford. He said he'd even like to have Rosie O'Donnell on the dais. Benjy said he thinks that Gilbert would close the roast.
Gary said that Gilbert is such a wild card and a lunatic. He said that he always closes a roast. Gary said he closed the Hugh Hefner roast and did the Aristocrats joke that they made into a movie. Gary said that people were throwing food at the stage when he saw him do that joke for the first time.
Another caller asked if Joan knew about what Artie had said about Joan before. Gary said she may know because she did come in and went off on him first thing. She was making fun of him sleeping on the show. Jon said that she's never hit him like that before so maybe she did know about him trashing her before.
Benjy said he was wondering if Howard was going to bring it up. Gary said that Howard wouldn't do that to Joan. He respects her as a friend too much.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked about the bra that they were going to put up for auction. He asked if Gary's Mets ball was worth more or Robin's bra was. Gary said the bra is worth more. The caller said he thinks the Mets ball is wroth more. Gary said Robin's bra has to be worth more.
Gary said they're thinking about doing a live auction for Robin's bra. He said that they may do it outside of the show somewhere.
The caller said that he wanted to say that Howard has been really cranky lately. He said that its ever since he got married and especially since Beth announced she was going away for a month. Gary said he has been cranky this week but he's been married almost a year now. The caller said it seems like he's been this way for quite a while now and the trip that Beth is going on is really causing him to be cranky.
Jason said that Scott deserved to be yelled at today. Jason asked Gary if he has given any thought to Howard's personality changing while Beth is away. Gary said he hasn't thought about it but that's because he doesn't want to. He'll just deal with it when he has to.
The caller talked more about his conquests when he was a driver. He said he's older now so he's not doing so many these days. The guy said that he's been able to get younger women with Daddy issues too. He said that he's met some 18 year olds whose dads were never around and they fall for him. He said that he can take advantage of that sometimes. The guy said that he has daughters of his own so it can be very awkward to do stuff like that.
The caller said that Howard seemed to get angry at Artie for doing his Elvis impression today. The guys said Howard was just joking around about that. He wasn't mad at him for doing that.
Jon got back to Jason and asked if he really thought Scott deserved to be yelled at. Jason said he did because he didn't have Mike Walker ready to go and he took 5 minutes to get it ready.
Scott came in and told Jason to go fuck himself. Scott said he had problems with the news yesterday and today so he was working on getting that fixed. Scott said all he had to do was make a phone call and he forgot to do that this morning. He said that Will usually reminds him to do it and today he didn't do that.
Jason asked Scott if he understands why he got yelled at. Scott said he does and he knows that something was supposed to be done and it wasn't done. He said he got pissed at himself too. He said that he admitted it was his fault this morning.
Gary said that Scott also talked about how everyone was going to get bored with Mike this morning. Scott said he loves Mike but no one gives a shit about that stuff. The guys told Scott that Mike isn't the one who could have gone off on him. Howard could have really gone off on him if he wanted to.
Jon played a clip from the show where Howard was going off on Scott about his screw up. He was saying that Scott doesn't care about being professional.
After that clip Scott said he cares very much about the show and what he does. He said it wasn't funny when he fucked it up. He said it may have been nervous laughter.
Gary said that things seem to build up with Howard and the more you try to slow it down, the worse it can get. He said that Gange tried to stop him by agreeing with him but it didn't help him at all.
Scott DePace came in and asked Scott the Engineer why he doesn't have an alarm set for the Mike Walker game. Jason asked DePace why he didn't have an alarm set to go in and check the cameras for noise in the studio. DePace said that he checks those cameras often and this morning they weren't making noise.
Jason and Scott were going back and forth arguing about a bunch of things but Jon brought it back to Scott the Engineer. He asked DePace if Scott the Engineer screws up this stuff a lot. DePace said Scott screwed something up with an audio feed the other day and when he confronted him about it, he really didn't seem to care.
Gary said that Scott always moves at his own pace no matter how urgent something is. Jason said that Scott will just sit there and stare at you when you need something done quickly.
Scott the Engineer said that today it wasn't urgent because it was already old news. DePace said that Scott should have apologized to him when he complained about the audio feed that he screwed up. DePace said that Scott should have given them a feed that doesn't have music in it but he did that and it means more work for them when he does that. Scott the Engineer said that he didn't check the equipment 3 times, he only checked it twice, and he may have missed that one thing that morning.
Gary said that DePace is saying that he didn't apologize for the screw up. Scott the Engineer said that he did apologize for it. DePace said that it was more like he didn't care and that's the way he acted when he confronted him about it.
The guys were all trying to explain to Scott the Engineer that DePace was looking for an apology. Scott said he wasn't going to get one. He also pointed out that DePace fucked up his audio this morning with the humming camera.
Will came in and said that he should have reminded Scott this morning but they do this Gossip Game every week. He said that Scott should have known that and remembered to set it up.
DePace told Will that he's the producer of the show so he should have set it up. Will said that Gary is actually the producer of the show. Gary said that Will is the one who is supposed to put him up every week though so he's the segment producer.
Jon asked Scott the Engineer if he thinks that he gets more crap from Howard than the other guys. Scott said that everyone gets it at some point.
Gary said that Jon Hein is the one guy who never gets any crap from Howard. Benjy said there was one issue he got it for. Benjy said that it was ''Torah.'' Jon knew he was talking about money. Benjy said that Howard thought that Jon only invited Howard to his daughter's Bat Mitzvah for the money. Jon said that did get under his skin when Howard brought that up. He said that's not why he invited Howard.
Jon said he liked it today when Lisa G told the story about him going into the studio and not thinking that it was a problem. He said he liked that Howard didn't think it was wrong for him to be in there and defended him.
Jason was talking about something but the guys in the booth were all distracted by someone out in the hall. Jason asked if there was a hot chick out there or something. Gary and the guys said that there actually was a hot chick out there. They were all staring at the chick out there and had no idea what Jason was talking about.
Gary said that Benjy seems to get some crap from Howard but the level is less often than it used to be. He said that Howard used to get on him a lot more. Mike Gange seems to be the guy catching the crap from Howard these days.
Jason said that there was a time when Howard has gone off on Gange in really brutal ways and he knows there's one clip from years ago that he has to pull to play on the show.
Gary said that if he were Gange he would lay off of the Facebook stuff because Howard goes after him about that stuff all the time. Jason said that Gange has slowed down a lot since Howard started going off on him. Jason said that Gange posted 6 things when he was out golfing with Scott the other day. He said that must get annoying. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the guys there don't get that Howard made some of them into what they are. He said that Jon and Artie came in there as guys who were already successful and that's why he doesn't goof on them so much. The caller didn't think that they understood that.
Jon said that Howard made him just as much as the rest of the guys. He said that going on the show helped him become successful too. Gary said that Jon is saying that going on the show helped his web site to where it was worth selling.
The guys were still distracted by the hot chick out in the lobby so they were talking about maybe getting her in there. Benjy asked him to go out and take a picture. Jon asked them to calm down.
Ralph called in and mentioned that the show he and Jon are doing on Monday will feature the co-creator of ''Lost'' which is Damon Lindelof. He said that he wanted to clear that up since Steve said that he was the ''creator'' of the show.
Ralph was also talking about Scott the Engineer and how he's always going to move at his own pace. He said he's not a self starter and that's just the way things are going to be.
Benjy said that the mistakes that Scott makes are going to be very glaring because of the work he does. He said that might be why he gets more shit on than other guys there do.
Scott said that he didn't just sit there when he realized that Mike wasn't set up. He said that he sprung into action immediately. Ralph said that means he just leaned forward in his chair. Jason said that it's very frustrating when you have a sense of urgency and the other guy doesn't. Ralph told Scott to just pretend that he cares.
Gary said that when they were at WNBC Fred would start the show with clips and songs and stuff and one day they had an engineer who was so bad at doing it that Fred had to stand behind him and poke him in the back so he'd know what to do.
The hot chick walked past the studio again so the guys got distracted again. Jon took a call trying to get out of the hot chick vortex. The caller said he didn't know that this whole show was going to be about Scott the Engineer. He wanted to hear some real broadcasting and not all about this ''Scott DePace hour.'' Scott the Engineer pointed out that the caller had just made a mistake because it wasn't Scott DePace.
Jason said that Mark Harris used to come in every year with new ideas. He said that's what this is like with KC. Benjy said KC isn't trying to hide anything and he's just promoting all of this stuff.
Gary said that KC is going through a lot of stuff and nothing is working out for him. That's what he's trying to point out.
Jon said that they always play the old song parodies about KC that Richard created. Gary said that Richard wasn't well known back then and he was just some guy sending in song parodies and leaving voice mails.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what kind of money Mike Gange came from because Howard mentioned that yesterday. Gary said that Gange's family might have more money than he and Howard's family had but it's probably not all that much. Gary said that Mike's father was a contractor so he may have been making good money doing that.
I lost my signal around 11:54 and lost it for a minute or two so I a couple of minutes of the show was missing. It was the last couple of minutes of the show though so there probably wasn't too much missed.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:40am.