|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started off the show saying he didn't even know where to begin. Robin suggested he say good morning so he did that. Howard said that Saturday Night Live has this guy who looks like Artie. His name is Bobby Moynihan. He showed a picture to Artie.
That led to Robin talking about how they spoke to John Belushi's friend Smokey about Artie on the Howard 100 News. She said she was very sad when she heard that story.
Howard asked Artie how he's enjoying his sobriety. Artie said he's enjoying his sobriety. He said he didn't drink or do any drugs when he was out in San Francisco over the weekend. He said that he loves that city too. Artie went on to talk about how it's like a crisp fall day there almost every day. He said that he stays at the Mandarin Oriental out there and just loves going there. Artie said that San Fran is a great place for Stern fans too. Artie said he stayed sober the whole weekend.
Howard said he was reading about his show and they said it went very well. Robin asked him if it's been tough to stay sober at those shows. Artie said that it is kind of tough. He said it's pretty hard to win over the audiences when he goes to these shows.
Howard said that the stadium thing is like the guy who wrote the Superman comic books and how they were trying to save his house.
Howard had to pause for a moment because there was a lot of noise in the studio. Fred said it may have been him putting an envelope down. Howard said it was making an awful lot of noise doing that. Fred apologized for that. Howard said he wishes that he had video of him doing whatever he was doing. Fred figured there was some tape somewhere because they don't miss much.
Howard got back to the Yankee Stadium story. They let people in at 1pm to walk around the field there. Howard said that there were some maniacs there. Howard said the game didn't start until 8 at night. Howard said that anyone who shows up at 1 should be locked up. He said these people have nothing to do and that's why the economy is in the shape it's in. He said that they should be working.
Howard said that people were scraping paint off of walls at the stadium and some fans were arrested for trying to steal a beer sign.
Artie said that he might buy the four seats that he has at the stadium so he can put them in his back yard at his shore house. Howard told him to pay whatever he can for those. Artie said that every seat will go too. He's not sure where the money is going to go but they will sell them all.
Gary came in to try and explain what people were doing at the stadium but Howard told him to shut up and get out of the studio. Gary tried to explain that the people weren't just standing there and staring at the stadium. Gary asked Howard if they should have been playing chess or reading comic books. Howard said those things improve your mind and bring enjoyment. Gary said that's what it brings to people who are fans of the Yankees too.
Howard asked Gary to leave again but Gary said he was just trying to help Howard not sound foolish to his fans. Howard said he wasn't interested in that and asked him to leave again.
Howard said that the band became popular when Travis got into the band. He said they took off after he joined the band. They listened to that song and spent a short time talking about Travis. Robin asked what happened to those guys. Howard said they were good but didn't seem to know what they were up to.
Howard said Travis and this guy DJ AM were involved in this plane crash. He said he doesn't get that DJ thing. He said that Travis and DJ AM have been performing together and DJ AM plays records and Travis drums to the songs or something like that. He said they're so popular that they take a private jet around the country. They apparently had a tire blow out and that's what caused the crash.
Howard said that they claim that DJ AM was burned on his scalp and arm and Travis was burned all over his lower body. Howard said they did survive though while 4 others died.
Howard said the pilot was a woman who was either 25 or 30 years old and the co-pilot was like 50. Howard wondered why a woman like that would want to pilot a plane. He said he'd ask for a more experienced pilot if that was his flight. He said even if it was a younger guy he'd want him replaced.
Howard said that they're in for a treat today on the show. Will the Farter is coming in to blow out the candles on his birthday cake. Artie said that Howard was right about the DJ AM thing and he wanted to talk more about that. Howard told him to hold on because Fred was playing the fart sounds from Will the Farter's last appearance.
Artie said that he does between 3-5000 seats on a weekend. He said that he wondered how they can afford to take a flight like that. Howard said that it was someone else's flight that they hopped on and it wasn't theirs. Howard said he didn't remember all of the details though.
Artie said that DJ AM was on the show one time and they did talk to him. Robin thought the flight was down in Columbia South America but it was actually in South Carolina. Artie told her that was a pretty big fuck up but Robin said it wasn't that big, she just didn't hear South Carolina.
Howard said that the people of Pakistan are a bunch of assholes. He read that someone drove a car bomb into a hotel and killed 53 people. He said that these are the same fuckin people who are hiding Osama Bin Laden in their country and he hopes that Al Qaeda blows up everything over there. He said that they won't help us find Osama and help them clean these rats out of their country. Howard said that they can keep hiding those guys and let them keep blowing stuff up.
Howard said that when Bush was elected he said that he was going to bankrupt the country and he was right. He was reading that they're going to have to get about $5,000 from everyone in the country to bail out these companies that are going belly up. He said that the people who are leaving those companies are still getting millions to leave but everyone else is going to have to help pay for that.
Howard said that everyone is greedy and it's all shenanigans going on. Robin said that she was talking to a woman from Canada who said that they have to put down 30 percent on a house up there and she didn't understand how the 100 percent mortgage thing works down here.
Howard said it's a pretty sad situation going on right now. He said it's despicable. Howard said that Bush has bankrupted everything that he's ever touched and that's what he's done to this country now. Howard said that his own party has asked him to stay away from John McCain now too. They don't want him to spoil it for him.
Artie said that he remembers Howard saying that Bush was going to bankrupt the country. Howard pointed out that Bush bankrupted many companies, not just one. Fred said that he's the Fredo of the Bush family.
Howard said that he thinks that his show was helping CBS broadcasting stay in business when he was there and now they're auctioning off 50 of their stations. He had wondered what was going to happen to them. Howard said they're not even going to use an auction house to do the auction. The first round bids are coming out today. Howard said they're going to sell off those 50 and concentrate on the major market stations they're keeping.
Howard said that within 2 and a half years they went from a rich, vibrant company to a company auctioning off 50 of their stations. He said they will probably sell for just a multiple of what the stations can make and they're not making all that much right now.
Howard said that story was pretty huge for them. He said that SIRIUS and XM have grown very big since they moved there. He said that's the story of their careers and he has to thank his fans for that.
Howard read one e-mail where the guy said that both Gary and Artie were gay for referring to their teams and saying ''we'' when they did. Artie gave that guy a fuck you and said that he does own a piece of that team because he pays so much for his seats. Gary said that he saw some stories about the price of tickets going from about $180 per ticket to $2500 per ticket for the Yankees. Artie said that he'll pay what he has to pay to see them.
Howard read some e-mail about the Chevy Chase interview. Some people thought it was great but there were some who thought that Chevy was an asshole and they shouldn't have him on the show. Howard said there were many positive e-mails and read through a few more of those. Some people pointed out some of the mistakes he made like not listening to what Chevy was saying during that interview and missing out on something interesting.
Howard said that he wanted to remind people about the CharityBuzz.com auction items like the auction for the chance to sit in the studio.
Robin asked Howard if he saw that Heather Mills gave like a million dollars to some charity for giving soy burgers to kids in school. Howard said he's not sure she'd give her own money to something like that. He thinks that she may have hooked up with some company that donated a million worth of burgers.
The caller was telling Howard and Artie what it would cost to have tickets at the new Yankee stadium. He said that a year's worth of four box seats will end up costing $800,000 a year. Artie said that he has old ticket stubs from when he was a kid that were only ten bucks.
Howard played some clips of Don Rickles on the Emmys last night. Rickles was off the prompter and goofing on people in the audience and goofing on how lame the lines were that they were reading. He was on stage with Kathy Griffin who was trying to stick to the script. Rickles was trying to have fun with the whole thing.
Howard said that they did have a moment or two there but it's tough to be funny on the Emmys. He said that he had another clip of Rickles hurrying some winners off the stage. Howard played that one where Rickles was telling the winners to hurry up and get off the stage.
Howard said that those shows are lame and they should let Rickles host the show. Howard played another clip where Rickles actually won an Emmy. He played that clip and Rickles was saying that he was stunned and had never won anything more than an ash tray from the Friar's club. Artie and Howard got a few laughs out of his comments.
Howard said that was very nice and he's a very funny guy. He said he didn't watch the Emmys himself but he read that Tina Fey won just about everything she was nominated for. He said he's interested in super hero shows but not those award shows. He said that he likes a few reality shows but not a lot of them.
Howard talked about some of the reality shows that are on and how Jerry Springer got this America's Got Talent show. He said that he used to have that freak show on. Robin said that he still has that show. Howard talked about Ryan Seacrest becoming a star with that American Idol show.
Robin said that they had to congratulate Jeff Probst for getting an Emmy for his show. Howard said that was great. He said that Paul Giamatti got an Emmy too and played a clip of Paul's acceptance speech.
The caller was also asking about a picture of Howard that was in a tabloid magazine where Howard was showing off his chest. Howard said he knows he doesn't look good in any of those pictures and he wishes that they didn't have cameras at those events he goes to. He said that every single person has a camera and they all post pictures on the web on their Myspace pages and stuff like that. That led to Howard goofing on Mike Gange again for doing his blog thing.
Howard did his Gange impression for a few seconds and they said that Gange was telling him to get a life on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said that he's not the one who has to get a life. He said these people waste so much time doing nonsense like blogging for their ''Myface'' pages.
Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show of Gange telling him to get a life. Gange said that it really only takes him 5 minutes to write that stuff up and maybe Howard should just get a life. Howard said there are things that bother him and that's one of them.
The caller asked Howard if he's going to watch Heroes or Dancing with the Stars tonight. Howard said he'll record Heroes and watch Dancing with the Stars with Beth because she doesn't like Heroes like he does.
Howard said that they have a lot of great shows on at the same time tonight. Jon Hein came in and said that the actual episode of Heroes is on at 9 tonight and the 8 o'clock show is just a special red carpet ''bullshit'' show.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and Howard said his mother is a big fan of her's. Mariann said that she feels a little embarrassed this morning about some of the stuff he was saying about her last week. Howard said that he told Mariann that she doesn't need to stand out there on the street to get in on the show. He told her not to just show up and to call Gary and ask to get booked to come in.
Howard said that he thinks his mother likes Mariann because he keeps her calls short. Mariann thought that Tina Fey was being kind of smug on the show so Howard ended up playing some audio of her accepting her Emmys. Tina didn't seem to be acting smug or anything like that. That led to Artie doing an impression of Mariann and goofing on her for a couple of minutes.
Howard played some audio of Alec Baldwin accepting his Emmy. Howard said that Alec has just moved on since that thing where he was caught yelling at his daughter on her cell phone. Howard listened to his speech and said that was his Emmy synopsis for the morning.
Robin read that the Heroes special tonight is on at 8 but the regular show starts at 9 and it's a two hour special. Howard said that's not what Jon said. Jon said that is what he was saying. Jon said that the first hour of the show is really good. He said he only saw that first hour of the premiere but about 50 minutes of it was really good.
Howard said that Dominic Barbara was going to put up 5,000 for Ralph to take the test. Ralph was going to get it regardless but Gary said it was only if he passes the test. Howard said that Ralph liked the idea and he was going to do it. They were going to set the whole thing up but Gary called Ralph and Ralph said he was into it but then Dominic said that he knew that Ralph wasn't going to take the test. He said he has no problem with the money being there.
Gary got a call from Ralph and he decided not to take the test. They were going to have a judge come in and do the whole thing and they had that all lined up. Then Ralph started to wonder what they were going to ask him and thought that he didn't want to do it. Gary said that he wanted Ralph to talk to the producers and that's what he did. Then he backed out of the whole thing.
Howard said that he didn't see the incident on the plane when it happened but this isn't looking good for him right now. He said he's not sure what happened.
Artie said that he doesn't think that Ralph is a thief. He said that he knows for a fact that it did happen but he has done some shit in his life that shouldn't be brought up on the air too. Artie said that Ralph can get kind of like a rat stuck in a corner when he's confronted about stuff like this. Artie said that he brought this up because Ralph was getting kind of vicious with him on the air one time.
Robin was trying to open a can and making noise so Howard asked her what she was doing. She said she didn't mean to make that noise.
Artie said that he regrets saying it on the air that Ralph did that. He said that he's pretty sure that Ralph hasn't ever done that before and he can't call him a thief. He said that it was just those two incidents that day that he saw.
Artie said that he wasn't trying to bad mouth the guy. He said that Ralph was saying some nasty stuff about him and he's not funny, he's just mean, and that makes him livid. Howard asked him why he'd apologize then. Artie said that he's just trying to say the right thing there. He said he regrets saying it but he knows that it definitely happened without question.
Howard took a call from Wolfe who said that he transcribed JD's answer to the question where he was asked to describe himself. Wolfe read the notes he had and had the guys laughing at his ''Um'' and ''Uhh'' comments that were the majority of what he was saying. Howard gave him a big ''Wow!'' for what he had transcribed.
Howard played a bit that the guys had created using JD clips and a woman asking him job interview questions. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said he was listening to the show the other day and he heard Fred criticizing Katy Perry's song. Fred said that he liked the song and was just talking about how it sounds similar to others.
Howard wanted to move on but Fred kept up his argument about the Rubber Soul album not having such great songs on it. Howard said that Fred's opinions that weren't all that intellectual. Howard had him playing some clips from Rubber Soul that he liked. Fred said that the songs really aren't that good on that album. Howard said he wishes that Fred would write a song like they had on that album.
Howard played some of Fred's performance, with his band King Norris, on the TV show Fuse not too long ago. Howard said that he actually likes that song and can't pick it apart. Howard cut the song off a few seconds after it started.
Lisa said they have a story about Artie's book agent whose last name is ''Abate.'' That led to Howard goofing on Gary for a short time. Lisa said that they're working on getting a TV show together based on Artie's book and they might have to find someone to play a young Artie.
Lisa also said that she spoke to Rizza from the Wu Tang Clan who plays chess. She said that she learned a lot about how he got into chess and lost his virginity to his teacher who was a woman. He lost it at 11. Robin suggested that Howard play against Rizza. Howard said he would if he was on that web site he plays on. He said he's not going to meet with anyone and play.
Howard talked about an interview he did about his chess playing and how he sent the guy some of his saved games so he could see the moves he made in the game. Howard said that computers are very intelligent these days and they can go through the games and tell you what you've done wrong.
Howard said the guy who interviewed him is a top guy in the chess world and he was going to play him but he would have beaten him. Howard said he didn't want the guy humiliating him so he didn't play against him.
Artie asked how long it would take him to get to a 1600 rating playing chess. Howard said it took him 2 years go get there. He was talking about guys who are at 2300 and 2600 levels and how hard it is to get there.
Lisa talked about the latest Page 69 story about the $500 that Howard was donating to the guys in the back office. It has caused a lot of problems because everyone wants something different to eat. Some of the guys want fast food, some want healthy food. Gary said that they can't seem to pull it together back there but they should have some food coming today. Howard said that he just wanted to cover lunch one day and they didn't have to spend all 500.
Lisa said that Jared Fox has a friend who posted a shirtless picture of him at Artie's party on a gay web site called DreamCaps.org. She said that they've posted messages about him on the site and there are some people out there pointing out how nice he looks. Artie said he doesn't want his property on a gay web site so he asked them to get it off of there.
There was another Hate Man call where he went off on Howard about Beth going on Tyra Banks' show. Hate Man pointed out that Howard was goofing on Tyra until Beth went on that show. Hate Man went off on Tyra and on Howard. The guy said that he couldn't even watch that show because he can't be a hypocrite like Howard is. He was yelling at Howard so much it sounded like he was going to pass out. Howard said that he heard there's a rumor that Hate Man is actually Tom Brokaw disguising his voice.
Howard played another one where Hate Man was going off on the Jews in Williamsburg. He was yelling about them and going on and on calling them Jew Bastards and stuff like that.
The guys spent a short time talking about Hate Man and his calls. Howard played a prank call the guys had made to a phone sex line using some clips of him cursing people out with his racist rants. Howard said that business must be bad if a woman will put up with that for the phone sex line.
Howard said that Crazy Alice is really anti-black and played one of her voice mails where she went off on Barack Obama. She was going off on Gary about the Mets and going off on Robin about how she's never been good looking. She even said that Robin is bald.
Howard said that Big Foot is coming in and he left a voice mail where he's complaining about his neighbors. He played that one and Big Foot was asking him to get him out of the situation he was in because he hates his neighbors. Howard said they'll hear more about that later on.
Howard played some of the audio of Paula and her people doing this promo and they were doing all kinds of weird stuff. Paula would introduce herself and her friends would add to it and do weird voices and stuff like that. One guy started to groan in a really strange way. Paula then did her intro and another guy tried to do a deep voice announcer type of thing.
Howard said that was just about one minute of a session that went on and on. He said that's basically what she does on her show. He said he defies anyone to listen to that show tonight. He said it's like riding a bucking bronco to see how long you can stay on.
Howard played some more audio of Paula and her friends talking about what they're going to be doing on their show. Fred played some cuckoo clock sounds as the one deep voice guy was trying to do his stuff. The guy was trying to be really dramatic but it wasn't coming across all that great. Howard said that he was supposed to come in and make a 30 second promo but it took them forever to make it happen.
Howard said he wasn't sure who was the craziest of that bunch. Artie said he had a definitive answer and it was Paula.
Howard said that they had a public access TV show and you don't usually go anywhere from there. Artie said that it is kind of working for them because now they have a show on Howard 101.
Howard played a clip of one of the guys doing a human beat box thing and he said those people are the most annoying people on the earth. Artie said that he's right about that. Howard played more of the guy making his beat box sounds and goofed on him a little bit. He said that the guy was actually pretty good after listening to a few seconds of it.
Howard played some more clips of Paula and her people trying to come up with stuff for the promo. Howard said that Paula's show is on tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. Howard said that's the beauty of satellite, they can give Paula Gloria an hour long show. He had to go to break after that.
Howard had another porn clip from an American porn where the guy sounds like he's dying. The guy was kind of choking and grunting and it did sound like he was being choked to death or something.
Howard said that he's having his wedding and he's excited about it. They were just going to have a dinner with friends but there are some things that are irritating him. He said he's got special meals for Robin and Toni who are vegetarians. Howard said they found out that someone else has a special request for food. It turned out it was Benjy and Gary guessed correctly with that.
Howard said that Benjy requested the vegetarian meal. Benjy said he didn't really request it, he was asked if he wanted the regular meals and he just picked it. Benjy claims that he doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't eat pork or cheese so he picked the vegetarian.
Benjy told Howard ''Fuck you man!'' so Howard told him to get out of the studio but he laughed when he said it. Benjy claims that he doesn't have any special dietary needs. He said that he was pulled aside by JD to find out if he had any special dietary needs. Howard wanted to know why JD was asking him that.
JD came in and said that Beth asked him to ask them there if anyone had any special dietary needs. JD said that he just asked Benjy what Beth wanted him to. Howard said that JD has to be wrong about what was in the e-mail.
Howard said that he's taking that request back and he's going to get a regular meal just like everyone else. Benjy said he won't eat a regular meal. Howard told JD to print out the e-mail he got because he's sure that he got it wrong. He said he's going to back out of this whole thing if that's really what happened.
Will said that he was giving Big Foot a show in the green room. He said that he was farting up a storm in there for him.
Howard said that you can check Will out at WillTheFarter.com. Will said that he'd like to do some farting on stage at comedy shows and stuff. Artie said that he's not sure he could do the 15 minutes he wanted though. Robin said that 15 minutes is a long time. Howard said that he needs to have some kind of act. Will said that he could do a balloon popping thing with darts. He was going to do that today but they felt it was too dangerous to do in there.
Howard said that they called off that fart dart thing because Will said that the dart could kill someone. Will said that he just tried it last night and the dart went 3 feet one time and could have gone about 30 feet the second time but it got stuck in the wall.
Artie asked Will if he's ever tried the fart thing in front of a crowd. Will said he hasn't but he wants to. Howard told him that he might want to give him a try. Artie said that he might just do that. He was going to offer Will a few minutes but not 15 minutes on stage. He said he's going to be at Heinz Hall in Pittsburgh in October and he could do it there. He said he'll see how it goes then and maybe bring him to another gig if he does okay. He offered Will $500 plus all expenses for the hotel room and stuff like that. Room and tax. Will said he could do that.
Will said that he will bring his own props and he'll do his act. Artie asked him if he tells jokes. Will said that he will get something by that date. He said that he can wing things and that will be better than planning ahead too much.
Will said that he can make it work with the fart dart thing. Howard told Will about this guy Mr. Methane who does a whole act with jokes, farts and other stuff. He said he even has a costume.
Will said that he did a pilot for an NBC show. He said he already shot it but he's not sure he can even talk about it. He said that it was him, another guy who farts and another guy who is a mark. Howard said that Will is about the best they can find out there. Will said that it was just one show that he shot, it's not a series or anything.
Artie said that he's not sure what Will can do to keep the audience's attention. He said that the crowds aren't patient and they need stuff going on. Will said that he will be fine and he'll keep them entertained.
Will said that he'll go out on stage and introduce himself and figure out something to say. He said that he'll then break into his farts and in a humorous way. Howard asked him if he'll pull down his pants or something. Will said he'll have some kind of costume.
Howard suggested that Will do a strip tease and pull down his pants to that. He said he could do a whole act like that. Howard said he needs to do something like that to keep the audience entertained.
Howard asked Will how old he is today. Will said that he's 29 today. He's going to blow out candles on his birthday cake. Then Will asked the guys to get his powder because he didn't bring it in with him. Howard told him he's got to remember to bring that stuff out on stage with him when he does the comedy show.
Howard told Will it's going to take a lot of power to blow out candles. Will said he knows that and he will be able to do it. Will then blasted away at the candles and wasn't blowing anything out. He claimed that he had set fire to his balls doing this before. He was right on top of the candles and almost set his foot on fire.
Will kept going and tried to blow out the candles but it wasn't working. He eventually blew one out but he was singeing the hair off his balls. Will Murray said the smell of the farts was really bad. They said it smelled like farts and burning hair in there.
Will let a few more farts rip after he blew out the candles. Will Murray was saying the smell was just awful and it hits you all of a sudden.
Will said that he had about 8 crabs and a filet mignon last night so that's what the smell was from. Artie told Will that if he goes out and tries to do 15 minutes, and the crowd turns on him, don't worry about doing the full 15.
Will said that he's going to be doing a kid's 13th birthday party on the 27th. He said he'll be doing the dart thing and blowing out the candles. He said that he will make sure his balls don't slip out during that appearance. Howard told Will that the kid party is his calling because kids like that would love him. He said that maybe he can give out his act a try with Artie and see how that goes. Artie said he'll pay him the full 500 even if he doesn't do the 15 minutes.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said it's kind of cruel to do the fart thing at a kid's birthday party. Dominic said that he was out in Vegas and saw that Carrot Top is the number one comedian out there. Howard hung up on him and didn't seem to care.
Howard took a call from the Pink Cowboy who was rambling on about something. While he was doing that Will let out a fart that sounded very wet. Howard asked if there was any leakage. Will said he wasn't sure. He kept farting away as Howard laughed.
Will did one of his ''longest farts'' and let one rip for a full 30 seconds. It was long, wet and sloppy sounding. Will Murray said that he got a mouthful of that and it sounded like he was about to vomit.
Howard gave Will some more plugs and talked to him about the show he's going to do with Artie. Howard thanked him for coming in a short time later. Artie said that the show will be on October 18th and he may appear up in Toronto in November too.
Will got in a plug for XGarden.com/WillTheFarter. Howard said that they could call Artie's show ''The Artie and Fartie Show.'' Artie said that's a great name. Howard said he hopes the comedy show goes well.
Robin wondered what kind of money Will is making doing this. Will said that he's making good money and he's making between 3,000 and 3,500 a month. Howard told him that's not too bad and he's happy to see the art of farting taking off like that. He said that he's the Bobby Fisher of farts.
Howard had Will blast out a little more before he ended the segment. Will let a bunch rip for about a minute or two. Then Howard played a Jack and Rod bit that Sal and Richard did with some Will the Farter audio clips. They had the farts as a guy who had to use a cancer kazoo.
Howard wished Will luck with his appearance on that Artie show. He's going to be playing at a 3000 seat theater with Artie. Robin said that she doesn't understand why he's leaving his niche and moving into comedy. Howard said that you have to expand, that's why he's going into that. Howard played some farting songs as they were wrapping up with Will.
Artie said that Eric was a nice guy and he's actually a pussycat. Eric said that his roommate was there at the show with him. Artie said that guy was a really nice guy too. Howard said that they saw pictures of Eric with a snake a few weeks ago and the snake looked like he was going to eat him. In these new pictures it looks like Artie is going to eat him.
Eric asked if he could use that picture as his 8x10 that he sells. Artie said no at first but then told him of course it was okay to use it.
Howard said it sounds like Artie and Eric are friends now. Eric said ''right'' to that. He said that he won't take jabs at Artie first, he'll have to take them at him first.
Artie said that Eric was very civil to him at the appearance. Howard asked if he was able to laugh at his comedy act. Eric said that he did laugh quite a bit. Howard asked if he laughed so hard that he shit his pants. Eric said he didn't.
Howard asked if it was true that the crowd booed Eric when he mentioned his name. Artie said that they did boo him but they eventually let him talk and he got in a plug for the Erotic Exotic Ball that he's going to be appearing at next month.
Howard told Eric he had to move on but Eric wanted to know if they got the pictures that he sent along with Artie. Howard said he told Eric that Artie was going to forget it and he did. Artie said that he lost it but he did take it home with him. Artie said they're probably at his house somewhere. Howard said he wanted Eric that Artie was going to forget them. Howard hung up on Eric as he was trying to ask a question. Howard said he had to move along.
Artie said that he shook Eric's hand and he was a very nice guy. He said that Eric's roommate appeared to be drunk but he can't say that he actually was. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that they have a ''I Want to be Howard Stern'' contest going on there. You can try out for your own radio show there. You can enter at SIRIUS.com under the Howard Stern section.
Howard said that they were going to get into the Big Foot Password game now. He said that Big Foot is going to be playing with porn star Angelique Morgan. They will have to give each other clues and try to figure out what the other one is giving clues to.
Big Foot and Angelique came in a short time later. Howard said that Angelique is beautiful. Big Foot said that he would mess with her anytime. Big Foot said that he could see that in his bedroom.
Howard spoke to Angelique for a short time and asked her if she's still doing porn. She said that she's actually on a reality show and not doing porn. She's on the Brett Michaels show but she got kicked out when she got completely naked on the show. Howard said that you'd think that would attract Brett and not scare him off.
Angelique said that today is her birthday today. She was upset that Will the Farter stole that from her today. Howard sang Happy Birthday to her with the Will the Farter farts playing in the background. Big Foot asked him if he was black or something because they never did that for his birthday. Howard had no idea what he was saying there.
Howard asked Angelique how old she is. She said that she's 27. Howard said that she has been out of porn because she's doing all of the reality shows. She's going to be on the Rock of Love Charm School special with Sharon Osbourne.
Howard thought that Angelique has had her lips enlarged even more since last time but she said they're the same as they were last time. Howard said that Big Foot probably wouldn't know what to do if she gave him a blow job. Big Foot said that he's had a few blow jobs lately.
Big Foot had some trouble understanding what Angelique was saying so he appeared a bit confused a couple of times. Howard asked Big Foot about the blow jobs he's been getting and asked what he pays. Big Foot said that he pays them whatever they want. He had to give one girl a laptop computer but he got to be with her all night long.
Howard said that Angelique has been having some trouble finding a man. She said that she hasn't gotten laid in about 8 months now. She said that the guys that she meets are super gay or already taken. Big Foot interrupted and said that they sell girls up in Newport for $200. The two of them were talking over each other like crazy.
Big Foot said that he was at a pub up in Newport and this guy was trying to sell his wife to him or something crazy like that.
Howard told Big Foot and Angelique that they were going to play to split $2,500. He gave Angelique a plug for her web site ClubAngeliqueMorgan.com before getting into the game.
Big Foot and Angelique were talking over each other again and Big Foot told her to stop speaking Spanish and speak English. She had a heavy French accent but wasn't speaking Spanish or French. Angelique said that she'd like to get her own VH-1 show sometime but she's taking baby steps right now.
Howard asked Big Foot some questions about his legal problems. Big Foot said that he's taken care of all of that stuff and they found that he's ''uncompetant.'' He said that means he doesn't know what's really going on. Artie told him that's very ''untelligent'' of him. Big Foot said he still thinks of Artie when he's taking a shit.
Howard read some notes about Big Foot and what he's been up to. He found an apartment to live in but he claims it's full of bugs. Big Foot said that his neighbors are horrible too and they have threatened his life it is. He said they don't like him being on Howard's show. He said they report him and people threaten his life ''it is.''
Howard asked Big Foot about the people who live in this town he lives in. Big Foot said he has a lot of problems and what he was just saying was the start of it.
Big Foot said that he has the real tape of the 9/11 attacks and said that the president is involved in the whole thing. He said that he got the video at the place where they got tape of him it is. Big Foot said that he calls himself Bush and Clinton and he's a two headed monster. Big Foot said that he has two names and President Bush has a problem with him because he's got two names also.
Big Foot has referred to Vermont as being a single person before so Richard was on the phone as ''Vermont'' and arguing with him about various things. Big Foot said that he has a lot of problems with Vermont and talked about some of them with ''Vermont'' on the phone.
Howard said that Big Foot has been charged with some knife thing. Big Foot said that he has had some problems with people and the cops tell him to just handle it himself. When he does he ends up getting into trouble.
Howard asked Big Foot what he would do if he could be with Angelique. He said that he might eat her out and nibble on her tits and stuff like that. Angelique told him he can keep dreaming.
Angelique said that she goes for looks first and not money or anything like that. She said that Big Foot isn't her type.
Howard started the game and gave Angelique her first word. It was Nun and she had no idea what that was. Howard said they would throw that one out and move on to the next one. Angelique gave Big Foot a clue and he tried to guess but Big Foot was throwing out full sentences instead of just one word answers. Angelique gave Big Foot ''Female, Orgasm, Sex'' and Big Foot didn't have a clue what she was trying to get him to say. Robin guessed it was a ''clitoris'' and she was right.
Howard said that Will was going to whisper a word to Big Foot and he would have to give Angelique clues. Big Foot tried it and said ''somepen' you watch'' instead of a one word clue. She guessed it was TV and got it right. Howard said they get to split $500 for getting each one right.
Howard went back to Angelique and gave her another word. She gave Big Foot clues like ''pussy, female, orgasm.'' Big Foot didn't have a clue as usual. He thought he had given the answer by saying ''pussy'' but they were actually looking for ''vagina.''
Howard said they were going to put the rest of the money on this last word. He said that Big Foot had to stick to one word clues though. Big Foot said he was hard of hearing and didn't know that. Big Foot gave her ''space, stars, moon.'' Angelique guessed it was space or sky. It was actually ''astronaut.'' They didn't get it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that both of them were retarded. Artie said that one was retarded and the other one was French.
Howard gave them another word to try and win the whole $2,500. Angelique tried to give some clues but Howard suggested that Angelique take off her clothes. She took her top off and Howard said she did have nice boobs. He told her to concentrate and give more clues. She gave words like ''Halloween'' but Big Foot didn't know the answer. He guessed it was Trick or Treat. She said ''scary'' and Big Foot said ''Herman Munster.'' He was close so they tried to tell him he was close but without the Herman. Big Foot was clueless and didn't get it.
Howard gave them another word trying to give them this $2,500. Will gave Angelique the word and she said ''Frankenstein.'' Big Foot said ''aminal'' and missed it. Angelique said ''scary'' and Big Foot thought it was Herman Munster again. They had given them Monster again but Big Foot still didn't get it.
Howard kept saying this was the last word but he'd give them another one if they missed it. Big Foot gave her the clue ''scary'' and she guessed it was Monster. They won the $2,500 and but they had to split it. Big Foot said he doesn't know how to do math very well so he told her she had to split it. She knew it was $1250 but Artie told Big Foot he gets 5 bucks.
Big Foot said that he needs a Howard Stern radio for inside his apartment. Howard told Big Foot that the last time they gave him a lot of money he had all kinds of problems with women trying to steal it from him and stuff. Big Foot said that won't happen again.
Howard got in some plugs for the movie Eagle Eye since they were the sponsor for this game. He took some calls after that. One guy, Patrick, called in and said that he was the guy who tried to go up and help him out. Big Foot said that he took something from him and sold it. Patrick said that Big Foot keeps calling him and bothering him and his wife. Big Foot said that he's going to keep calling him until he changes his number. Big Foot said that he was harassing him and now it's his turn to harass him.
Howard asked Pat what went wrong with his trip up to help him. Patrick said that he drove 30 straight hours to go up and help this guy. He said that Big Foot was covered in fecal matter and he wanted him to drive him down to New Jersey from Vermont. He said that Big Foot was a mess and he couldn't put him in his car. Howard asked Big Foot if he rubbed doody on himself. Big foot said he couldn't remember.
Big Foot claims that this guy stole his medication card and it took him months to get it back. Big Foot said that if someone makes a disgrace out of him then he'll do the same to him. He said that he's been trying to call him for months now and he just doesn't call back. Patrick got in a plug for his book The Mountain Mafia before Howard let him go.
Howard asked Big Foot if he's going to stop calling this guy. Big Foot said he's going to call him at all times of the day and night and when he least expects it.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were playing clips of Artie asking how long he had to wait for the five grand. Big Foot argued with the audio clips not having a clue it was audio clips. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and went to break.
Steve also said that Eric the Midget had a problem getting his tickets at Artie's show at the will call office. They'll have more on that appearance on the news today. Steve said that they also have an interview with Jeff the Drunk's sister ''Animal'' (Tracy). He got in a few plugs for the Greg Fitzsimmons show and the Paula Gloria show that are on tonight at Midnight and 7pm.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things they were going to be talking about today.
Howard told Robin she may be on to something there because he was taking meals on his own not too long before he and his wife split up. Artie said that it must have been tough to do the show around that time. Howard said it was and now this whole thing with Benjy is making him think he doesn't want to get married at all. That led to Benjy yelling at Howard and claiming that he's a liar and he's been such a jerk about that.
Howard said that someone who isn't a vegetarian doesn't ask for a vegetarian meal. Benjy said that he was asked if he wanted this, this or this and he just picked the meal that was vegetarian and he was making a big deal out of something very little.
Howard told Benjy to just be regular. Benjy said he can't fucking believe Howard and what he's doing with this. He said that he doesn't eat a lot of things and it's simpler to do the vegetarian thing. Benjy said that he really doesn't give a fuck about it. Benjy was yelling the whole time and Howard said he just wanted to move on. He had Robin get back to her news.
Robin read a story about Arnold Schwarzenegger getting together with Tommy Chong to smoke weed over the years. Howard said that's what people should do and just admit that they did stuff like that.
Robin read a story about people having negative attitudes toward the Jews. That led to some discussions about the holocaust. Robin said she went over to Poland go visit some of the concentration camps and after she went through that she was told by the tour guide that they still have Jews over there and most of them are in government and they're horrible.
Robin had Howard play some audio of Josh Groban singing some TV show theme songs on the Emmys last night. She pointed out how horrible it was. Howard said he was going to throw up.
Howard read that Jews make up 0.65 percent of Poland's population. He said that the Poles loves assisting the Nazis and gladly threw Jews into the ovens. He said that the woman told Robin how bad the Jews were even after they had put so many of them to death. He said the Poles love to blame the Jews for their problems. Howard said he wishes that they'd all leave Poland said they don't have anyone else to blame for their problems.
Robin had some more audio from the Emmys and had a clip of Tommy Smothers talking about the war and how he thinks it's ignorance in action. Artie said that Tommy Smothers played his dad on The Norm Show and he worked with him on 3 episodes and he guarantees he wouldn't know who he is.
Robin had some more clips from the Emmys and had Howard play through some of those. She had some news about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and some people talking about how he's a threat to the United States and Israel. Robin read some news about the bombing of the hotel in Pakistan.
Robin read a story about Sarah Palin going to make an appearance down in Florida. They played some audio clips of her speaking at that event.
Robin had some news about the economy and what a mess it is right now. She had a story about the Yankee Stadium final game. She had some audio of the fans at the park talking about what went on there. Robin said that there was a story about Jenna Jameson being pregnant. They're reporting that she's having twins. Artie said that will be better for threesomes.
Robin read a story about a diamond that was found in South Africa that's the 20th largest ever found. It could be worth 10s of millions of dollars after it's cut and polished.
Howard went off on all of these people who have to take pictures constantly and post them on Facebook. He said that people are obnoxious. Artie said that people have become very narcissistic and they love to post pictures and write about themselves on these web sites. Howard threw Mike Gange into that group of people since he was doing that blog on Facebook. Howard ended up goofing on Gange about his blog and his complaints about Starbucks.
Robin read a story about a new bill that's being introduced that would make dog breeders be forced to get a license if the breed over 50 dogs.
Robin mentioned some of the big TV shows that are on tonight. She brought up Heroes, Prison Break, Terminator, Dancing with the Stars and stuff like that. She also had some audio of Tom Bergeron talking about the new season of Dancing with the Stars.
Robin had a story about David Blaine's latest stunt. She had some audio of him talking about the stunt and how it's the hardest thing he's ever done. She wrapped up and they ended the show a short time later, right around 10:50am.
Gary said that he wants Ralph to call in and tell them why it is that he doesn't want to do the lie detector thing. Will said that he was telling him that he didn't remember those days very clearly and what may or may not have happened.
Gary said that he told Ralph that they were just going to ask him if he stole the money and Ralph was saying he didn't remember what went on that day and he thought that maybe he could have taken some money that he thought was his or something like that.
Jon asked what they thought about Artie's reaction to that stuff. Gary said that Artie isn't looking for trouble and he claims that he hates conflict. That's coming from someone who chased Teddy down the hall though. Gary said that Artie wasn't the one who brought this up, it came up after Ralph was on Superfan Roundtable and someone on that show mentioned it.
Gary said he took some calls on Saturday but Will was dealing with the whole thing all day on Saturday. Will said that he didn't get why they waited until then to tell him about that. They only needed $100 and they apparently couldn't come up with it.
Will said that he called Big Foot and told him what was going on and he had no clue. Big Foot got a hold of someone else who helped him out getting there. Gary said that it was important to get him there so they did what they could to get him down there. Gary said it was a real ordeal to get him there.
Will said that Big Foot didn't click with Angelique right away. She wasn't very interested in him at all. Gary said that she said something about not liking retards but he doesn't think that Big Foot heard that. He may have been set off if he had heard it.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they have security there. Gary said that he thinks Ronnie has it under control.
Jon said that Big Foot thought she was talking Spanish. Gary said that they didn't book that bit without any thought. They had a feeling that was going to happen. Gary said that Big Foot did catch on to what the game was about pretty quickly after screwing it up at first.
Jon played a clip of Big Foot trying to guess one of the words. The guys talked about that clip and Gary said that he thinks Big foot didn't get that the words were cumulative and they were all referring to one word.
Benjy thought that they should play the $25,000 Pyramid game instead. Gary said he liked the way this game worked out and didn't think that would have worked any better.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he lives up where Big Foot does and it's no surprise that no one wants to give him a ride. He claims that Big Foot used to rob the camps up there where he lives. The caller claims that he had the cops stop by one day and tell him that's what he was known for doing up there. Gary said that he was thinking of having him as a neighbor and what a horror that would be.
Gary said that Big Foot is functional enough that the government won't take him in. Gary said that Big Foot shouldn't live on his own but they don't see him that way out there.
The caller said that Big Foot used to wear his ''suing suit'' when he'd go out and he used to tape record people yelling at him at stores and stuff and then he'd try to sue them. The cases would always get thrown out though.
Jon took a call from Wheels who asked how they picked Big Foot out of all of the characters on the show. Will said that he was very candid with the girls when he's in there with them. Will said that he thought he'd be like that with Angelique. Gary said that they have some other people with speech impediments but they were all a little too smart for the game. Wheels said that Gary the Retard may have been a good player. He lives across the country though.
Wheels was also asking why Wendy the Retard and Gary the Retard weren't part of the Wack Pack Bowling. Gary said that he thinks that it was just too much hassle to get them up there for it.
Wheels was also saying that he thinks Ralph is a thief and Gary was trying to protect him. Gary said that he's not trying to protect him, he just thinks that he should be able to give his side of the story on the lie detector thing himself. Wheels sounded pretty angry at Ralph in that call. Jon let him go after that. Jon, Will and Gary talked about Angelique and her crazy accent for a short time before moving on.
The guys were talking about the chess argument that Howard had saying that it makes you think. They also brought up that Howard watches Dancing with the Stars with his spare time.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he doesn't give a shit about it being the last game at Yankee stadium. He said that he's a huge Cubs fan and he thinks they're going to win it all.
Gary said that there was one stat during the game last night and they were saying that the Yankees had been part of 37 of the last 80 World Series games. He said he's not a fan of the Yankees but he gets why they're such a big deal. They ended up arguing with the guy for a couple of minutes about his Cubs.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she doesn't think that Howard is sentimental about anything and not just sports. She asked Gary if he thinks there is anything. Gary said that Howard isn't into the sentimental thing but he does get passionate about collecting things once in a while. Benjy said he's passionate about his kids.
The woman said that she's pretty sure that Howard doesn't make that connection to being passionate about something and collecting things like something from the stadium. She was also saying that she likes to go back and look at stuff from her kid's childhood and she figures that Howard wouldn't do that. Benjy said the caller if she has bronzed shoes from her kids. She said that she does actually.
Will said that Howard is against people wearing sports jerseys of other players and stuff like that. Gary said that Howard is probably going to get a lot of e-mail about the stadium discussion tomorrow. Gary said that Howard doesn't care about sports and the closest he's gotten to a sports game is watching him and Artie arguing about the Mets and the Yankees.
Benjy said that he was asked if he wanted a regular, vegetarian or vegan meal. He said he just put down vegetarian because it was easier that way. He doesn't eat meat, pork, cheese or shrimp so going vegetarian was easier. Gary said that he saw the e-mail that JD got from Beth and it did ask if they wanted those choices.
A caller said that Howard is passionate about one thing and that's himself. He said that he's a fan of his and he doesn't think that he gives a shit about anything, not even his fans, except himself.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up the collecting thing again. He said that he knows that Howard has microphones and MAD magazines and stuff. Gary said that Howard likes that stuff but he's not a collector and he's not going to go out and buy them himself.
Gary said that Howard had a big picture of Mo from the Three Stooges that was autographed but Howard really didn't care that much about it and he doesn't understand why people collect that kind of stuff. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Jon brought up Will the Farter's appearance today. Will was saying that Will is a nice guy but his farts really stink. He said that eating seafood and steak the night before doing an appearance like that is really weird.
Gary said that Will the Farter is kind of slow and he brings a weird vibe to the studio. He though it was kind of funny when he told Howard he's best when he's just wingin' it when they were talking about the comedy show.
Will talked about Will the Farter's problem with the porn star who ended up taking his 900 bucks and didn't pay it back. He said that Will got screwed again.
Jon played a clip of Will blasting his farts trying to blow out the candles on his birthday cake. He asked Will what was going on there. Will said that Will the Farter was wearing his boxer shorts and he was shooting powder out of his shorts and it worked at putting the flames out. Will said it was actually pretty impressive and he almost burned himself doing it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he went to see Artie's comedy the other night and thought that they were all great. He said that most of the guys were hanging out with the fans and it was very cool. He said that Beetlejuice charged him $5 to take a picture with him though so he wasn't too thrilled about that.
Teddy said that the shows have been nothing but nice with Artie being sober. He said that he's nice and kind when he's sober. He said that he and JD are constantly running around doing stuff for Artie out there. He said that JD is like the documentary guy and he does a lot of taping out at these shows.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Gary he does a great job there. He was also asking about Will the Farter and if he's ever shit himself. Will said that he doesn't think that he's ever done that but today it was sounding kind of wet back there.
Will said that the farts smelled like seafood would after going through your digestive system. Gary said that one of the funniest thing ever was when Dan the Farter shit on the floor and then claimed it wasn't his.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked when Gary is going to be on Don't Forget The Lyrics. Gary said that they're putting it on in November since they liked him so much. They want him to be on during the ratings sweeps month.
A caller said that he's tired of these actors giving political speeches at award shows. The guy said that he spent some time over there himself and he doesn't like people speaking out about the war if they haven't been involved in it. He was referring to Tommy Smothers' speech at the Emmys last night. He suggested the guy stick to his job and not comment on it.
Gary said that he thinks celebrities speaking out doesn't really help anything and it can actually make things worse for people like BarackObama.
Another caller brought up Will the Farter and said that she thought he was dull and sucked the life out of the show. She said she found him to be like Eric the Midget and they were giving him everything for no reason. Gary said that he's not a very dynamic personality. He said that he finds him to be kind of Ralph Cramden like because he has these great ideas but has no way to get there with them.
Another guy brought up the Artie and Ralph fight and also asked about the Bubba and Bob Levy fight. Gary said that it sounds like Bob was already looking for another payday before his fight with Danny and maybe that's what that whole thing is about. Gary asked the guy what it was all about. The caller said that Bob was saying that Bubba is a bad father on his internet show and that really pissed Bubba off.
The guys spent a short time talking about Bob and Bubba and who might win that fight. Gary said that if Bob stays away from Bubba and keeps him moving, he could probably win. Bubba might get winded if he has to run around the ring.
Eddie the Produce guy said that he thinks that U2 is really good and threw in a plug for the band Unforgettable Fire which is a U2 tribute band. He said that he would rather go see them instead of U2 because he can't afford tickets to a real U2 concert.
A caller said that he thinks that Ralph is upset about Artie talking about him being a thief because he's guilty. Gary said he would like Ralph to tell his side of the story but it doesn't look good for him right now. Will said he bets they won't hear from Ralph for about 2 weeks. He's probably going to let the whole thing blow over instead of calling in.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he was wondering about the Chevy Chase interview and if the fans liked that he was on or upset that he had him in. Gary said that the majority of the people seemed to like the interview but there were a few people who were very upset that he was in. Will said there were less people complaining about this one than complained about the Rosie O'Donnell interview.
The caller was also saying that he thinks that there are two types of people who listen to the show. He said that there are low brow people who hate the evaluation of the show and high brow people who don't mind it. Gary said that he doesn't think that he'd put them in those two groups. He said that things do change and they do move on but there will always be people who think that Jackie should still be there. Gary said that there are people out there who just hate change and can't deal with it. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show saying he wanted to clear up something right off the bat. He said there's a guy, Thomas Riccio, testifying at the OJ trial claiming that he was paid to do the show. Howard said that they didn't pay the guy anything. He said that a sponsor of theirs may have had a deal with him but they didn't have a deal at all.
Howard played an audio clip from the trial where the witness said that he had made a deal with some people. He said that ABC paid him, the Howard Stern Show's sponsors, TMZ and Entertainment tonight paid them for information according to the guy. He said that a sponsor, Clips4Sale.com, paid them $20,000
Howard said they had nothing to do with that and they wouldn't have paid the guy a cent. He didn't know about the deal the guy had and he wouldn't care about that. Howard said the guy called in and plugged that web site and every guest can come in and get plugs for stuff. He doesn't know what people are going to plug ahead of time.
Howard said that this shows the level of reporting in this country because they were claiming that the show paid this guy. He said that it's absurd.
Howard played an audio clip from a news report where they claimed that this guy had said that he was paid by the Howard Stern Show. It was clear in the audio clips that Howard had just paid that the guy was saying the Stern Show didn't pay him, a sponsor did. The reporter wasn't even able to say ''authentication'' in her report. Howard goofed on her about that.
Howard said that they have never paid this guy anything and he doesn't know what these people are talking about. He said that there have been reports about him auctioning off a girl and things like that and the reports are just wrong. He wonders what else they're not getting right.
Howard said that when he died this black guy shows up and the guy just flies him up toward the sun and he gets his powers back. Then Clark Kent thanks the guy and the other guy says that he loses his powers from the sun so now he's lost his powers. Howard said the show has gotten really outrageous.
Howard brought up Nils Loftgren and said that he brought out a song about Yankee stadium. He said that he's not sure it'll be a hit. He said he likes Nils but he's not sure about this song. He played the song and talked about what he thought it was about.
Artie said he liked the song. Robin said that she's sure he does. Howard said that Nils kind of sounds like Bruce singing the song. Artie said that Nils has been on tour with Bruce for a long time now even though he didn't get to play on the earlier albums.
Howard said that Nils had a popular song at one point in his career. He asked Fred to figure out what that was. They also talked about Joe Walsh doing a solo album and how he had some hit songs of his own. Howard said that Nils had some hits and misses and then he got into the E Street Band and stuck with that. Robin asked if Bruce ever gets to do any of his solo stuff in the concerts. Howard said Bruce wouldn't let him do that.
Howard said that he saw Bill Maher saying that the real America might be the big cities even though the small town people say that they're the ''real America.''
The caller said that he met Palin and she was holding a conversation with him until he told her what his job was. Howard asked him what he does that offends her. He said that it's something to do with something close to gambling. He said he couldn't say exactly what it was though.
Howard said that politicians might be afraid of being photographed with people like that. The guy said that he can't say what it is because he's only 1 of 23 people in the state that are part of it and he doesn't want to get into trouble over it. Howard hung up on him and didn't seem interested in anything else the guy had to say.
JD came in and said that he would appreciate it if Wolfe would stop stalking him the way he is. He said he's kind of like the new Sal who likes to fuck with him. Howard said that his high school reunion isn't that big of a deal.
JD said that he's not going to the reunion. He said he doesn't really keep in touch with anyone from school anyway. Howard said he got a note saying that JD has his high school listed on his Facebook page. That's probably where Wolfe got his information.
Howard asked JD about his high school years and found out that he was in his school play and they did a ''Get Smart'' play. Howard asked what happened in the play to find out if it was based on an episode. JD didn't remember. JD said that he really didn't remember the plot of the show at all.
Howard played a clip of what JD sounded like in that school play. The guys had taken clips of JD and from Get Smart and mixed them together.
Howard asked JD what happened to him that he became so introverted. JD said that he was never comfortable on stage even though he had played the lead in some of these plays. JD said that he actually changed some parts to get out of saying too many lines in one play.
Howard asked JD if he told the people at the reunion that he wasn't going to come or just ignored the e-mail he got. JD said he thought about it for a while and decided not to go.
Howard said that he should go and they should send cameras along with him. JD said he spoke to Doug about it and he didn't seem interested in it anyway. Howard did an impression of JD talking to Doug and made it sound like Doug wouldn't have understood him anyway.
Wolfe said that they could ask him some typical reunion questions. Wolfe asked JD what he's been up to since school. JD said that he's working with the Stern Show and gets calls from douche bags. Wolfe asked him about his serious relationships and if he's had any. JD gave him a simple ''no.''
JD asked him if he was done with him yet. Wolfe said that he did some research into what most people do when they go to a reunion but JD wasn't finding any of that amusing. He was mumbling and Robin didn't understand what he said. Fred did his JD impression and mumbled something unintelligible to Robin.
Wolfe read through more of the stuff that they suggest people do for their reunions like working out and buying some nice clothes. JD wasn't going to be taking any of that advice though.
Howard said this wedding stuff is making him mental. He said he's worried about everyone having a good time but that's just the way they are. JD was giggling during that discussion so Howard asked him what was so funny. JD said he didn't know.
Howard said that they have over booked the wedding so they have too many people coming. He said that Beth is getting her dress together and he's getting his suit worked out. He picked out a nice tie for his suit. He said he'll look spiffy for his wedding.
Howard said that Natalie Maines is going to sing at the wedding and that should be cool. Phoebe Snow is going to be singing too. He said that he was going to have another person there but Gary suggested they not mention it because it might be a last minute thing. Robin said she'll fill in if that person backs out.
Howard said Pat Monahan is the other singer and he's hoping that he can make it but his wife is about to give birth and he may not be able to make it if she does.
Howard said that Artie is going to make a toast and Ralph is going to make a toast. He said he was going to ask his friend Pat to make a toast too but he never asked him.
Howard talked about Dominic Barbara making a toast at his engagement party and goofed on him about how bad he was. Artie was really funny at that party and Dominic was trying to follow him. That led to Fred doing his Dominic impression and goofing on his speech.
Howard said that Dominic wants to be his friend so bad. He said that he got a call from him last night and he heard him say ''Hi'' with that gurgling voice of his. He said that Dominic was offering 10 grand for Ralph to show up for his lie detector test and asking about being his best man and stuff like that. Howard said Dominic wanted him to call him but he's not going to do that.
Howard did an impression of Dominic's message and goofed on him about that. He said that he was trying to get him to call him a couple of weeks ago but he didn't call him back. Dominic wanted to take him out on his boat after his other boat had caught fire. Howard said that Dominic said he's actually very capable as a boater. Howard said he has nothing against Dominic or his wife Leslie but he doesn't want to hang out.
Howard said that Dominic tells people about how he was the first person at the hospital after his wife had their daughter Ashley. He said the thing is that he didn't ask Dominic to come up there, he just found out where they were at and managed to get up to their floor. Howard said he likes Dominic but he really has to back off a little bit.
Dominic called in and said that they were talking about who might die first and he feels that he deserves a little respect since he is 63 years old. He was on his way out to his house in Shelter Island so he mentioned that a couple of times.
Howard said that Dominic is always asking him to call and confide in him but he's not going to do that. He said that he'd call Richard Johnson and tell him anything he'd tell him. Howard said that Dominic called in last week to talk about something in Page Six and he didn't pick up on him because he knew that he had planted the story. Dominic said that he didn't do that. Howard said that he could call them and ask them to find out. Dominic said that wasn't necessary.
Dominic was plugging Criss Angel's show because he's handling his divorce. He said that his new show is going to be a big hit.
Dominic said that he knows that Howard hates him but Robin must love him. Howard asked Dominic if he'd sing to him at his wedding. Fred demonstrated what that might sound like doing an impression of him singing ''I Will Always Love You.''
Howard said that Dominic knows nothing about Beth. He let him go after that. Robin said that Dominic hated when Ralph came into Howard's life because it was like he stole him away from him or something. Dominic said that Howard is his only friend. Howard said that the only reason for that is because he just wants a famous friend. Dominic said that he probably would never talk to him if he didn't have the radio show so he may be right.
Dominic upped his offer to get Ralph to take the lie detector test. He said he'll give him $10,000 to do it. He said they only have to ask him one question too.
Artie said that Ralph called him last night to talk about some stuff. Howard said that Ralph must have been bored because he called him a few times too. Howard said that they were sharing thoughts on Dancing with the Stars. He said that he thinks he's done with that show though because it really is burned out.
Howard said that Jeff Ross was on the show and he was very funny. They spent a short time talking about all of that. Howard said he's not sure he's going to be tuning in every week to watch.
Howard said that he and Beth were talking about JD and he was saying that JD isn't a bad looking dude but he doesn't have a good rap. He said that he's a really nice guy but he's got no rap. Artie said that JD is one of the guys he likes to see on the road because he's an oasis in a desert full of shitheads.
Howard asked JD about the girls there at SIRIUS who he could get. JD said he doesn't think so. Howard said he hopes he can get a girl some day. JD said that he's not that lonely. He said that he does get lonely sometimes but it's not a long loneliness.
Fred said that maybe JD could talk to the soccer ball like Tom Hanks did in that movie. Howard told Wolfe that he hopes that he's transcribing all of this JD stuff. JD said he probably is for his next call.
Wolfe asked Howard if he could find a hot chick for JD to take to his reunion. Howard said that JD really doesn't want to go and he understands why. He talked about his days in high school and how miserable he was. He can relate to JD in that way.
Howard said that he was going to have JD out to his house in the Hamptons but he had second thoughts on that. He said that maybe he will do that next year or the year after. He said he really does like JD.
Howard talked about how he was a nerdy kid in school but he always had girlfriends. He wasn't as unlucky as JD. Howard goofed around with JD about that for a short time.
Howard said that he remembers at some point this kid Donny who ignored him in school came to him when he got famous and suggested they hang out. He said the guy treated him like an asshole in school and that's really not going to happen.
Artie said he went to his reunion which was 4 weeks after MAD TV started to air. He said that it was pretty big news in his town at the time. He said he went to rehab 3 days before the reunion so he didn't get to go. He said that he did go to his 20th though. He said that Dana was with him at that one. He said that it was one of the worst run events of his life. It was at a Marriott somewhere nowhere close to where they went to school. He said he just wondered what the hell he was doing there.
Howard said that he's seen some pictures of the women who he used to lust after in school and now they look like his Taunta Helen. He wondered what the fuck happened to these women. He said that he ran into the first chick he banged and she still looks good. He said she's like 52 or 53 and she's holding up pretty good.
Howard said that he was out running one day and someone was yelling out his name and he just kept running. Then he realized who it was and it was this girl that he banged. He said that he was looking her over and got lost in the conversation. He said her mother was looking at him like he was god or something.
Artie said that he did a benefit for a fireman at his old high school and some of the broads looked like they were in a Crystal Meth lab for the past 20 years. He said that he wondered what the fuck they must think of him.
Howard said that none of the people at his reunion know him now and he wouldn't want to go to something like that. He said he's trying to forget that era and that phase in his life. He said he's glad he didn't go to his reunion.
Robin said she's heard from some people who have enjoyed it. Howard said that there was a really hot chick in his school and she always dated black guys. Robin said that maybe that's because they were the majority in school. Howard said that the majority always becomes assholes and that's what it was like in school for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Beth should go to JD's high school reunion with him. Howard said that wouldn't do him any good. They'd know it was his girlfriend and not JD's. Howard said they have to get a hot chick to blow JD in front of everyone. Artie suggested the French chick from yesterday, Angelique Morgan.
Howard asked JD if the whore he banged in Vegas was a 10. JD said that she was but she had a very strange tattoo. Howard said that there are a lot of 10s out there.
Artie said that the chick he knows out there has a couple of kids but she's really hot. He said that she looks like a young Nicole Eggert. Artie said that the funniest thing was when this hot blonde came up and stole JD away from the table that night in Vegas. JD said it was pretty embarrassing.
JD said that he finished pretty quickly with that chick. He said that they did ''everything'' including a blow job with a condom on. JD said that it felt pretty good to him even with the condom on. He said that he wanted to get in there and said that he lasted a minute with her at least.
Howard said that he can't last more than one stroke with new chicks. He said that's what it's like even after he beats off. Howard said that he was with one chick that was so hot that he blew his load as soon as he entered her. He said that he lasted maybe 2 strokes the second time.
Howard asked JD if he only banged that chick once. JD said that he did because he didn't know what the deal was. Artie said that he told his guy that JD could be with her as long as he wanted. JD didn't know that and the girl didn't tell him that. JD said that she tried to play the thing where she was a big fan. He said that she kept up that character the whole time. He said she wasn't letting on that she was being paid for that stuff.
Howard said that Scott DePace likes to play xBox and it has no redeeming value. He said that Gange races home to write about his day and that's all nonsense and bullshit.
Howard said that the things that he's into are meaningful. He said that he's into nutrition, his work and working out and keeping his body in shape. Howard said that he's also into chess because it works your brain. He said that doctors claim that it's good to work your brain out with a game of chess. Howard said that he watches TV but he does that for work so he has something to talk about. He said that he had sex with Beth last night and that's something he needs to do. He said they're rock solid things that people can't argue with him about.
Robin said that Gary was saying yesterday that he just doesn't understand why people like to go to a stadium because he's just not into that kind of thing. Howard said that people who go to the stadium and just stand there are wasting their time. Gary asked Howard if there are any other ways of life that people could have.
Howard said that Gange's blog is a big waste of time. Gary agreed with that. Howard said it's meaningless drivel. He said that if Gange brought up any of the stuff he writes about, no one would talk to him. He said that it's all bullshit and it's nonsense.
Howard kept on goofing on Gange about his blog and talked about how much nonsense that really is. He said that people have written him a lot of e-mail about Benjy's vegetarian meal and why he went off on him. Howard said that he was trying to teach Benjy about life because he's up to a lot of nonsense. Howard said that Benjy should have just said he didn't care about the meal he was going to get at the wedding. Howard said that Benjy is up to a lot of nonsense too.
Benjy was trying to say something but his microphone was off. He wanted to explain himself calmly but Howard wouldn't let him do it. He kept saying the same stuff he was saying yesterday but Howard didn't want to hear it. He told Benjy that he doesn't care about the meal but he was asked about it and he made a choice. Robin told Benjy that he claims he doesn't care but he does. Howard went to break as Benjy was still trying to speak. His mic was still off but he kept going.
Robin said that she jogged 5 miles yesterday and wondered what she was doing since she had just gotten out of work. Howard said that Robin must eat pasta to keep up that running stuff. She said she doesn't eat that much, she eats brown rice.
Howard said that Ferrall is so into music that he plays it through his whole show. He wondered if people tune in and hear that thinking that there's something wrong with the audio.
Artie said that he caught the video for that AC/DC song on MTV recently and the giant cannon was pretty funny. They spent a little more time on that and then moved on.
Howard said that R. Kelly sounds a lot like the character that did this ''Egga McMuffin'' thing in an old National Lampoon bit. He played some clips of the guy talking about his acquittal. He said that it was so good that he had to play some of it.
In the clip the host asked R. Kelly if he likes teenage girls. Kelly asked what age he was talking about. The host said 19 and younger. Kelly said that he has some younger girls but no one underage. Kelly talked about some stuff that's gone on in his life and talked in circles about some stuff.
Artie said that guy is trouble. Howard asked Fred if he had the ''Egga McMuffin'' bit that he was referring to. Fred wasn't able to find it but Howard remembered putting it into the system. Fred eventually found it and played it for him. It was a Mr. Rogers spoof where Mr. Rogers was asking this guy to say some words and the guy says ''Egga McMuffin'' instead of Egg McMuffin. It was a long bit to get two words.
Howard said that it was Bill Murray doing the voice of the black dude. Fred said it was Christopher Guest doing Mr. Rogers.
Howard asked Artie if it was true that his father didn't let him watch Mr. Rogers. Artie said that he did think the guy was a fag so he didn't like him watching the show. Howard said that's good parenting.
Artie told Howard that he and his father used to play baseball on a putting green that they knew about because they got good hops on the green. He said that his father would tell him to keep an eye out for ''golf fags'' because they had to sneak onto the course.
Howard played more of the R. Kelly audio because he did sound a lot like Bill Murray in that old bit they had just played. Kelly was rambling on and on and saying that he will never do another interview like that again. Artie said that was a good call by Howard because R. Kelly really did sound like Bill Murray.
Howard also got in a plug for the Chevy Chase charity at CharityBuzz.com. Howard said they have the chance to come into the studio and hang out and they're tied with the chance to meet the new President.
Howard read through some of the other auctions that are going on and wondered what the hell anyone is going to do with a Hugh Jackman autographed picture. He said there was also a signed Lost DVD box set and no one was bidding on that.
Howard said that the winner of their auction gets to pick the date they want to come in. He said they do reserve the right to not let them come in on a day that a certain guest is in just in case the guest would be freaked out by someone staring at them.
Howard asked Blue how she gets into old lady porn. He said that's kind of sad. Blue said she's not in porn but Howard said she was there to promote a new porn. She said they've just started calking it ''over the top hard core'' porn instead of old lady porn.
Blue said that she gave Ron Jeremy a blow job. Howard asked her if she's a mother and a grandmother. Blue was going to plug something but Howard cut her off and told her that she has to think about doing this stuff and maybe get out of it. He said that Ron Jeremy is the biggest low life out there, no offense to Ron.
Howard asked her what she's doing there. She said that she asked him to take a shower before she did that. She also said that he didn't cum in her mouth.
Howard asked what kind of money Blue is getting for this movie. She said that she can't say. She explained her deal but Howard told her that they're probably screwing her out of money because they're paying her on the net instead of the gross. Blue said that she was told that she will get paid before Larry Flynt. Howard said he thinks that she got confused about the net and the gross. Blue tried to talk about a gift she brought for Howard but he stopped her again and said he wanted to talk to her as a regular person.
Artie did his Larry Flynt impression and goofed around with Blue for a short time. Howard said that they could really tell Blue that they've never made any money with the movie and never pay her if they wanted. Blue started to plug her stuff again but Howard cut her off.
Howard played some audio from one of Blue's old lady porn movies where she's getting banged by some dude and talking about his young, sweaty body. Howard asked her if she has lines written for her or if she improvs all of that. Blue said she comes up with that stuff herself.
Howard said that one of her first movies that he ever heard was where she's getting banged in her walker. He played some of that audio. Everyone laughed as they heard that. Howard asked her if that was her dream to do that as a little girl. Blue said that her dream was to be a comedian because she's really funny.
Howard asked if the porn guys big penises are painful to take. She said that she doesn't have pain from that. She said that she's not an exhibitionist either. Howard said that she is nude in the movies though. She claimed that she wasn't nude but then she said that she was nude.
Blue told a joke but she was the only one laughing at the end. Howard told her that Comedy isn't for her because he didn't understand that joke at all.
Howard said that Blue has been very ill the past few years. She called the show not too long ago and said that she had urine in her feet. He said he'd never heard of that before. She said that she has kidney problems and she's on new medication. She said she's fine now.
Howard said that Blue also had a 7 pound tumor removed from one of her ovaries. He asked her if she thought she was heavy from that. Blue said it was kind of painful with the tumor and she smoked marijuana to get over that. She said she can't take anything else because of her kidneys. She said she can't take anything for pain other than the weed.
Howard gave Blue a plug for this new movie she did called ''Hard Core Circus.'' This is the movie where she blows Ron Jeremy. She talked about some of the other stuff that she does in the movie with a 22 year old guy. She said that she didn't know if his penis was big or not. Then she revealed that they haven't even shot the movie yet, it's not being shot until November. She seemed confused by all of Howard's questions about the movie until she said that it wasn't even shot yet.
Howard said you can find out more about this movie at BlueIrisProducts.com.
Howard was wrapping up with Blue and then she said that she thinks Howard gives Eric the Midget life. Howard had him on the phone so he asked Eric if he believes that. Eric said that he does. Howard wrapped up with Blue and asked her how long she's going to be there. She said she's going to be there until Wednesday and hopes to make some prank calls with Sal and Richard.
Blue asked Howard why he doesn't pick up her calls. Howard said that he has a life and he's not blogging like Gange all day. He said he doesn't have a phone to pick up in the studio.
Howard asked Eric if he had anything to add. Eric asked if Artie brought in the package of pictures. Artie said he didn't have them. Howard told Eric that he warned him that Artie wasn't a responsible person and he'd never bring them in. He knew they'd get lost. Artie said they are somewhere in his apartment but there's also a laptop computer and an iPhone that he can't find in there either.
Eric asked Artie to please try to find the pictures. Howard said he warned him not to do that but he did it anyway. Artie said that he would look for them right before he orders ravioli from Uptown Pizza today.
Blue told Howard about some funny audio clips she brought with her. She had someone who does a retarded Jay Leno impression that she wanted him to play. Howard played it and Blue was the only one laughing. Howard asked what part was funny because she was the only one laughing.
Gary came in and asked if it was Ron Jeremy playing the part of Jay Leno. She swore it was some other guy. Blue continued to laugh her ass off and no one else was laughing. Howard asked her if she finds him funny. She said she did so Howard said he was going to kill himself if she finds both of them funny.
Howard wished Blue luck with the new movie and gave her some more plugs. Artie did some more of his Larry Flynt impression and then Blue mentioned some other stuff she's doing but her explanation wasn't making a lot of sense. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Artie is ordering the same lunch as him and they might have mixed up the two orders. Artie said that he gets the exact same thing as Howard does so there shouldn't be any mix up. Artie said that he thought Howard changed his order but Howard said it's the same thing.
Howard thanked his buddy Hunter, who called in the other day, for putting his name on some bullets. He may have killed some Taliban with those bullets. Howard said he's happy to hear that. Howard said that some people need killing and he's happy to hear that his name was on some of those bullets.
Howard said he was reading this book that Metallica put out called ''So What'' and they talk about these poseurs who are back stage at their shows. Howard asked what these poseurs are. He said that they're constantly talking about them and he wonders exactly what they are.
Gary said he thinks that they mean that these people pretend to be into metal but they don't really live the life. Artie said that it happens in the Mafia too. Richard said that they're referring to hair metal bands who just get on stage and just pose. He said that they do their thing for the look and not for the music. He said that people like Brett Michaels would be considered poseurs. Richard said that Metallica were anti-hair metal when they were doing their thing years ago.
Howard said that the number one show on Howard TV is the mother daughter porn team. Gary interrupted and said that Sal was about to come in and talk about the SlyDial thing. He said that Sal uses it and it's a free service.
Howard said that the Bob Levy fight show is number 2 on Howard TV, then Zoe Zane, Beth O and Jill Martin, Chris Russo and Natalia and Avia from the Bunny Ranch. Howard said that Beat the Booey is number 6 on there.
Gary said that the USO show is also up on Howard TV now too. Gary shot most of the video over there himself. Gary said that Jim Florentine also shot some of it.
Howard wondered if Jim Florentine will come on the show again. Robin said she thinks that he will. She said that she's got no problem with him doing the show. Howard figured it might be kind of uncomfortable for them to do it but Robin didn't think that was the case at all.
Howard said that Mary McCormack uses a SIRIUS Stiletto on her show ''In Plain Sight.'' He said that he heard that from a fan.
Howard asked Artie about this comedian Mike Bocchetti. He thought he was retarded or something but Artie said he's really not. Howard was doing an intro for him but Gary said he's running late and he'd be there in about 10 minutes. Artie said that he is above a retarded IQ and he's not retarded.
Howard talked about Fred's asinine comment about U2 being The Beatles of this generation and he disagrees with him on that. Fred said that he's sticking by that comment. Fred said that he's not saying that they're better than The Beatles but they are the Beatles of this generation. He thinks that they have very powerful music and there are a lot of fans who would agree with him on that.
Howard read some mail about Fred's comment and people were calling him an idiot. Some people agreed with Fred on the U2 thing and told Howard that he's stupid for not agreeing with him. Howard read through a bunch of that mail and continued to argue with Fred.
Howard said that U2 is nothing compared to bands like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin. He said that Bruce Springsteen is good, The Beatles were great. He said that the Rolling Stones were fantastic and there is no comparing U2 to any of those bands. Artie said that they aren't the same generation though.
Howard moved on and read some mail about Will the Farter's appearance yesterday. There were some people who liked the farting, there were others who didn't like it. One fan didn't want Artie bringing Will to his show in Toronto. Artie said he has to see how he does in Pittsburgh first. He may not even make it to Toronto.
Howard read some other mail about him being cranky on the show lately. Some people don't want Benjy to speak on the show anymore after his outburst yesterday. Howard said he's going to do his best to keep Benjy off the air.
A caller asked Howard to please keep Lisa G out of the studio today. He said that she's just going to bring up the same stories day after day.
Howard said he was going to have to pass on Mike Bocchetti today because it's just getting too late to have him in. Artie said that he's had him on shows before and he has shown up on time.
Howard said that he said something on the air about lawn jockeys getting their start when they were used to notify slaves that there were safe houses for them. Sam Simon sent him an e-mail and told Howard that's not true and it's an urban legend. Howard said that it didn't make much sense to him so he must have been wrong about that.
Howard said he hopes that they can keep Bubba around on his channel there. He said that his contract is up soon and he wants to make sure he's taken care of. He said that he has his back and believes him and he wants to keep him there.
The caller asked if Artie is too big to come back to Poughkeepsie. Artie said he was just there like 8 months ago. Artie isn't playing smaller clubs now.
Gary said that Mike Bocchetti got stuck in traffic because the President is in town and there's a lot of traffic. Howard said that he hopes that Mike understands because he has to end the show at some point. He's been up since 4 in the morning.
Howard said that he's happy to have Mike on at any time. Artie said that he's a very funny guy. He said he worked with him at Danny Aiello's club in Hoboken and he killed there.
A caller told Howard that nothing gets him more incensed than when he sees his Howard TV shows up on YouTube for free. Howard said he'd like to be able to sue them over that but he just can't seem to make that happen. He said that he'd like to sue over the ''Are you Smarter Than a 5th Grader'' show too but lawyers tell him he can't win.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's kind of pissed that Chris Russo is broadcasting on XM and SIRIUS at the same time before Howard even is. Howard said that he's thrilled about it. He said that he's very excited about what's going on there with the satellite radio company and he's sure they're anxious to bring him to XM. He said that he's not sure how they're going to make it happen but it matters little to him.
Howard said that he thinks that they should have stuck him on there the first day they merged. He said that he felt bad for the people who have XM because they had the Oprah Channel. He said that they had the NFL, NASCAR, tennis, NBA and other stuff that XM didn't have. He said that now they can share Riley Martin with the people on XM.
Howard said that a lot of people had XM before they even moved there to SIRIUS. The caller said that he thought that Howard was going to be on XM on October 6th. Howard said that was something he didn't know. The caller said the best of SIRIUS is supposed to be available on the 4th and the Monday after is the 6th so that's when he'd be available.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff to play. He said that they had this interview with a guy on Good Morning America with a guy who kite surfs. He was kite surfing during a tropical storm and he got blown into a building. JD said that the guy was caught on camera being blown across the beach and into this building.
Howard played the clip where they were interviewing the guy. His throat was injured and he was speaking kind of funny. Artie said he sounded kind of like Larry David.
Howard had some audio of some people yelling out some Baba Booey references on some shows. He played one where a guy was yelling out Baba Booey during a Padres game. He said it a few times. Then there was a Big 10 Friday Night Tailgate show where a guy yelled out Baba Booey and Howard Stern a few times. The woman hosting the show said they wanted none of that. Howard played the Gary the Retard ''Are You Smarter Than a Caribou'' clip as they went to break.
Howard said he hung out with Richard and Sal for about 30 minutes the other day. Robin said that Richard gave her a movie that was great and it wasn't even in English and it scared the crap out of her. She said she screamed so loud that it scared her cat.
Howard said that Richard had video of a woman who breast feeds her 8 year old daughter. He said that she crawls up under her mother's shirt to do it. He said it's so wrong that he had to turn it off. Richard said that the daughter crawls on her and it's like a creature crawling on her mother.
Robin and Richard talked about that movie and how scary it was. Robin said they're remaking it into an English film and it's going to be called Quarantine.
Howard said that Richard has Halloween stuff in his office and even has Christmas lights hanging up in there. He said that Richard is way too into the Halloween thing.
Howard asked Fred if he saw that breast feeding clip. Fred said that he pictures Richard beating off to that clip. Richard said that he wouldn't do that. Howard asked Richard how things are going with him and his girlfriend. Richard said things are good. He said that they've been going on trips together and stuff lately. Howard asked him if it's all about him or odes he do stuff for his girlfriend. Richard said that they go to the beach and stuff.
Howard said that he was thinking about Sal not coming to his wedding and he really likes the guy but he just can't have him there. He said that he did everything wrong and screwed himself out of the wedding. Richard said that Sal gets some mixed signals from the people there and Gary found it weird that he didn't do anything wacky at Will's wedding.
Sal came in and said that he's fine with not being at the wedding. He said that was the pact he made with him. Howard said that he didn't make any pact with him. He said it was his and Beth's idea just to not have him there.
Sal said that Beth called him the other day and he was trembling thinking that he did something wrong again. He said that he just says the wrong things sometimes and things will be better after they're married.
Howard said that Sal and Richard are working on something really funny but they never got it to him. Sal said they're still working on that and he'd prefer to leave it at that.
Sal said that he has just given in to what Richard does with the lights in their office. He said that Richard hangs that stuff up and keeps crawling on his desk and stuff.
Howard told Sal that he shouldn't wear belly shirts because they just don't work for him. He said that when he raised his arms his belly was showing.
Richard said he doesn't get how Howard was able to lose the weight that he lost. He said he's on a diet and trying to lose some weight and it's really tough. Sal told Howard that he eats 3 breakfasts. Richard said they're healthy though. He described the breakfast and said that it wasn't that much stuff. Howard said that they're just eating too much food.
Sal said that Richard crapped his pants there eat work. Richard said that he didn't know he was going to shit his pants. He said he just tried to fart and shit his pants. Sal said he does it all the time. Richard said that he just wipes the stuff out and saves his shorts. Richard said that he does that about once a month. Howard said that he never does that and can't imagine why he would shit his pants so often. Richard said he likes to fart.
Richard hasn't showered since he shit his pants yesterday. Sal said that Richard picked his nose and then wiped his boogers into his shirt collar to get rid of it. He said that it's not that much of a stretch to what a retarded person would do.
Robin said that she didn't want to be near Richard after hearing that story. Richard said that he has tissues now and he uses them if he has them but if he doesn't then he'll wipe it into his shirt. Sal said that Richard sneezes and doesn't cover his mouth either. Richard said that Sal used to stick his hands down his pants.
Howard said he was getting grossed out by this stuff so he kicked them out of the studio. He thanked them for coming in and said goodbye.
Howard told Ralph that Dominic has raised the amount to 10 grand now and he just wants him to answer if he stole money on the flight that day. Ralph said he doesn't remember that day because it was like 6 days ago. Howard asked him how he can't remember if he stole something or not.
Ralph said that he doesn't steal things. He said that he doesn't remember what happened on that flight though so he can't answer that question.
Howard said he thinks that Ralph looks guilty if he doesn't go through with this test. Gary said that Ralph has said that he didn't steal anything but now he's saying he doesn't remember. Howard told him he should just take the test and say ''No, I didn't steal.'' Howard told him they could ask him if he remembers stealing and he could just say no.
Gary and Howard were asking Ralph questions that they could ask in the test and Ralph was saying that he would say no to the stealing thing but that's based on what he knows about his own character. Howard said he doesn't care at this point and he's drawn a conclusion at this point and thinks that Ralph is full of shit. Ralph told him he was being an asshole.
Howard said that if someone asked him if he had ever raped someone in 1975, he would say no because he knows he's never raped anyone. He said that Ralph should do that if he has never stolen any money on a flight.
Ralph told Howard that he's always an asshole when he drinks. Howard said that maybe Ralph steals when he's drunk. Ralph said he doesn't steal. He said he was going to take the test but the test isn't going to prove anything.
Ralph sounded like he wasn't going to do it so Howard just let him go. Artie said he hopes that this just goes away. Howard spent a minute talking about the stuff he stole as a kid. There were two incidents when he stole and he said he felt like shit after doing it and never did it again. He stole a tie tack and it was stupid of him to do that.
A caller said that the thing that Ralph is afraid of is them asking if he's ever sucked a cock. Robin said that he already took that lie detector test and failed. Howard said that he doesn't believe that Ralph is a thief or a fag. Artie said that he doesn't believe that he's a thief either. He said he thinks that Ralph was drunk and maybe he did something that he would only do when he was drunk.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if any of them would let Ralph into their house with money around. Howard said he has done it and so has Artie. Robin said she wouldn't. Howard said that Ralph was in his house just the other day and no one else was there.
Steve said that Eric the Midget was having problems getting into the Killers of Comedy Show and it turns out the promoter Sequoia set it up as a prank. Steve said they have a story about this web site TwoGuysMakingOut.com where they feature Sal and Richard making out on CNN. Steve also got in some plugs for tonight's Jackie's Joke Hunt and Riley Martin's show.
Jon Hein came in and ran down his Wrap Up Show preview. They went over the stuff that happened on the show today and ended up talking about JD for a short time about what they were talking to him about earlier.
Howard said that Kidd Chris sent him some links to eBay.com stuff where witches are selling their spells. He said they only charge like $7.95 for a spell. Robin said that at least they're not ripping people off.
Artie said that he's not smoking as much as he used to. Howard told him that if he ever wants free cigarettes he should go to that Body Works display and pick up the packs that people leave there. They had to go to break around 9:55am.
After the break Howard asked Robin to get back to her news but she wasn't there. Fred played some audio clips of her talking instead. She came back a short time later. Robin got back to her news and said that people are getting their pictures developed at places like Wal-Mart and pictures are being stolen. Britney Spears' sister had some pictures of her breast feeding stolen.
Robin read some news about David Blaine's latest trick and how he's already hanging upside down. She had some audio of him talking about how hard this is going to be. He claims that he didn't think about how hard it was going to be with the sun beating down on him. Howard said that they say that he could go blind from hanging upside down so long. He said it's not much of a trick though.
Robin said that Steven Spielberg and his wife have donated money toward something that will help the fight to keep gay marriage legal in California. Howard said it seems crazy to donate money to something like that.
Robin said that the Emmy Awards had some of the lowest ratings in the show's history. Howard said that he thinks that part of it is all of the reality shows that are out there now. He said that TV isn't that glamorous anymore and that's why people aren't all that interested in it now. People just don't care anymore. Robin said that she just couldn't watch it after seeing Josh Groban doing that TV theme song thing. Artie said he didn't think he could hate that guy more until he saw that.
Robin said that the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame nominees have been announced. She said that Metallica and Iggy Pop and the Stooges have been nominated. Howard said he gets Metallica but not Iggy Pop. He said he knows the guy is interesting but he's not sure he's ever had a hit song.
Artie said that the The Ramones all got together because they were all fans of Iggy Pop and they were influenced by him. Artie said that's a pretty big deal. Howard asked Fred if he had any Iggy Pop to play. Fred found one song that they had in the system and played that. Artie recognized the song but Howard didn't.
Robin read some more of the nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame. The guys spent some time talking about the nominees. Howard thought that most of the nominees deserved to be in there. He said that the group that doesn't belong in there is U2. He said they're already in actually.
Robin read a story about a guy who is being put to death in Georgia. Howard took a call after that and a guy told him that he was losing his mind because they had Iggy Pop on their show back in 1990 and he performed a song live. Howard and Fred didn't remember that show. Howard said he knows that Iggy is always taking his shirt off and cutting himself and stuff but he doesn't remember that. They had to take another break around 10:20am.
Robin got back to her news after the break and read a story about a congressman who is worth about $210 million. She mentioned Ted Kennedy during that story so that led to Howard doing his Ted Kennedy impression a little bit. Fred and Artie got in on that as well.
Robin read some news about Barack Obama, John McCain, a truck driver convoy to Washington DC to complain about the gas prices, a mother who sprayed her child with a pressure washer, Dancing with the Stars, and some other stuff. They ended the show around 10:50am.
Gary said that the polygraph can be pretty brutal. He said that he's taken them before and he knows that they can be tough to do. Jon said he thinks that he would have been better off taking it no matter what the outcome would have been. Jon said he seems to be casting more suspicion on himself by not taking it.
JD said that people do get nervous about those things. Gary said that he doesn't have anything to be nervous about if he didn't steal any money.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he is astounded by how many passes Ralph gets on the show. He said that they just don't see that they're letting him get a pass on this.
Gary said that he trusts Ralph and he doesn't think that anything has ever been stolen. He said that the only thing he ever had stolen was an iPod and that was years ago but he doesn't think that it was Ralph.
Benjy said that you can know someone very well and not know that they would steal. Gary said that he thinks you'd have a pretty good idea.
The caller said that if he had anyone around him like that he wouldn't keep them in his life. He thinks that he's gotten rid of most of those people in his life.
Another caller brought up some stuff that Ralph has done before and said that he always takes advantage of situations he's in. The guy said that there are ways to get through a lie detector test and he told them how a guy did it by asking himself if he had ever fucked a nig*er. He never had so he could get through the test by asking himself that.
Jon took a call from a woman who brought up some stuff that Ralph has denied saying that he just didn't remember. She thought that Howard was too trusting of Ralph. Gary said that Ralph could do a whole dissertation on why he doesn't tip people and things like that.
Ralph called in and said that he can't use that guy's suggestion for the lie detector test because he has fucked some black people. He said that he remembers returning money to a bank one time when they gave him too much.
Jon asked him why he's not going to take the test. Ralph said that he has see on the show where people fail because they don't ask yes or no questions. He said that if he says no to something he doesn't remember, then he might fail. Gary said that's not going to happen.
Benjy asked Ralph if he doesn't remember the story now. Ralph said that he doesn't remember what happened but Gary said that he was saying he didn't do it so he must have remembered it when he denied it. Ralph didn't get what he was trying to say to him.
Ralph said that he has no reason to take the test because he doesn't need to clear his good name. He said that people are going to think what they want about him and that's not going to change anything.
Ralph said that he doesn't see an upside to this test. Jon and Gary said that he'd be getting 10 grand out of it if he passes the test. Ralph said that he can't pass it if he doesn't remember what happened.
Benjy said that he thinks that Ralph could have been fucked up drunk and just thought that the money was his and that's why he took it, if he took it. Ralph said that he doesn't remember exactly what happened but he thinks that there may have been a miscount on the pot for the poker game and he thought the money was his.
Gary said that Ralph doesn't like to part with money that he thinks is his and he can see him trying to keep it. Ralph said that he doesn't think that Artie is lying about what he remembers from that day. He said that Artie might just remember it one way and that's the way it's going to come out. He said that doesn't mean that's what actually happened.
Shuli came in and said that he interviewed Dominic Barbara and he claims that he saw the incident happen and he saw Ralph take the money at Nobu. He said that there was the one incident at Nobu and one in the card game. Ralph said that he doesn't know, he doesn't remember.
Ralph said he wouldn't steal tip money from a free meal but maybe he was joking around and pretended to take the money. Gary said that if Dominic is on that bandwagon, that means there are 4 people who witnessed him doing this thing.
Gary said that from what he's heard, there was money on the table for the tip and Ralph was milling around and reached in and grabbed $100. Shuli said that Dominic told him that he found Ralph messing with the money and when he asked him what he was doing, he told him that he was getting change.
Benjy asked Ralph if he thinks that Artie does that kind of stuff or if he was just throwing that out there like he does with some other stuff. Ralph said that he never said Artie does that kind of thing. He said that people in his world do that kind of thing.
Gary told Ralph he's not making himself look good in all of this. Ralph didn't seem to care. He said there were moments in Artie's life where he has stolen. He pointed out the pool shark stuff that Artie had done and then Gary kind of pointed out that Artie has lied to them about doing drugs.
Sam Simon called in and said that he doesn't think that Ralph is a thief and he's not gay. He thinks that he's hung out with him enough to tell. He said that Ralph failed the polygraph where he was asked if he was gay and he doesn't think that he's gay. Gary said that he doesn't know for a fact that Ralph isn't gay. Gary said he believes that he's not gay but that doesn't mean he's not.
Sam asked Gary why he brought up the iPod thing earlier and said that he's thinking about how maybe Ralph took that. Gary said they have a couple of hours to kill on the radio so that's why he brought that up.
Sam seemed to think that they were lynching Ralph and Ralph would be nuts to take the lie detector test. He said it sounds like they're convicting this guy for something that they don't know he did. He said that lie detector tests don't work either. Gary said that's not why Ralph isn't taking the test though. He doesn't want to take it because he doesn't remember and that's a different story from a week ago when he said he just didn't do it.
Jon asked Sam how they get to the truth. Sam said that they may never know what happened. Sam said that Ralph is not a thief. Shuli said that everyone agrees to that except for the four witnesses.
Ralph said that he believes that Artie's story is what he believes and he's also thinking that Dominic has it in for him and he thinks he's just a fat fuck.
Jon let Sam go and took some other calls. One guy said that he doesn't see how Ralph is a friend to anyone because he's so disrespectful. He doesn't respect their things and he's not sure how they can let him be in their life. The guy said that Ralph is just an asshole and a thief.
The caller said that Ralph had broken some stuff at Sam's house but Ralph said that he didn't break anything there. He told the guy that he's an asshole and wanted to go over his life. Ralph and the caller went back and forth for a short time and Ralph said that the guy just wanted to kiss him and he was in love with him.
Ralph said that it doesn't bother him that the fans don't like him. They don't know him and he's not a dishonest person. He said that if they don't believe him there's nothing he can do about it. Gary said that he trusts him in his office and he's left him in there a million times. He said he wouldn't stop leaving him in there either.
Jon let Ralph go and asked Gary why he felt he had to explain himself to Sam. Gary said that he was accusing him of stuff and he felt he had to defend himself.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Ralph how he could forget this and remember so many other things. Jon told him that Ralph wasn't on the line. The caller said that Ralph used to know the details of the poker game and stuff like that. Jon said that Ralph is the only one who can answer that and got him back on the phone.
Ralph said that he has a terrible memory and he can't remember what happened 6 months ago. The caller said that Ralph tells stories about Howard's parties and Gary's bachelor party. Ralph said that he can remember parts of that stuff but not the whole thing like Gary can. They had to go to break after that.
Gary said that maybe Sam should put up the money then. Sam asked why he would have to do that. He said he's not looking to humiliate Ralph. Sam asked him why he's waving this stuff in Ralph's face like that.
Sam said that shorting the pot in a poker game happens all the time. The guys were saying that shorting the pot and stealing money from it are two different things. Jon asked Sam if he would take the test to prove his innocence if someone accused him of doing something like that. Sam said he wouldn't.
Sam said that they seem to be going over the line with some of this stuff on this show. Gary said that Sam seems very combative today. Sam said they shouldn't be making Ralph do the test for only one outcome.
Sam said that Ralph failed a test before and there are just some people who don't do well on lie detector tests. He said that maybe that's why Ralph doesn't want to go through it on the show. Sam said that Ralph failed one before and he shouldn't have to take it again. Gary said that Ralph's reason for not taking the test is because he can't remember what happened, end of sentence. Sam said that maybe they should have Ralph take a test to find out if he's telling the truth about that.
Sam hung up when Gary didn't understand something he was talking about. Gary said that Sam gets very upset about stuff like this and he's not sure why. The guys spent a couple more minutes on that and then tried to move on.
A caller asked when this became the Ralph show and why they're spending so much time on it. He said that no one wants to hear about Ralph and he wants them cutting him off. Another caller said that Sam Simon just called the 4 witnesses liars. Gary said he was just saying that maybe they didn't see it the way they think they did. He wasn't calling them liars.
The caller said that 4 people saw it one way and that's pretty good proof there. Benjy said that stuff like that does happen sometimes and he's been accused of stuff that he didn't do.
Gary said that it's not all about him. He said that he can go back and see the people who have lost their hair and gotten fat and stuff like that. JD said that he's not really curious to see anyone. He said the hot chicks are probably all married with kids now anyway.
JD asked what he was going to do there, eat? He kept laughing as he was talking about that stuff. He said ''I don't know'' and ''Whatever'' a couple of times while they were talking to him.
Jon asked JD if he would feel weird going to Howard's house if he was invited. JD said that he would feel weird and he's had people ask him to stay over and he doesn't want to do it. He said he hates imposing on people and doesn't want to stay there.
Jon played a clip of JD and Howard talking about his high school days. The guys asked JD about some of the stuff he was talking about in that clip. JD said that he has some weirdness toward Robin and some of the other people on the show. He said he feels like he has to act a certain way around Robin because she might bring stuff up on the air.
JD kept saying ''I don't know'' to every question he was asked. He didn't seem to be interested in answering any questions so Jon moved on.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks he should go to his reunion and maybe bring Lisa G with him. He said that JD might have to ask Artie before he does that because Artie seems to have something going on with her. The caller said that JD would have a date and a reporter to report on what happens there. JD said he could just take Shuli instead.
Another caller asked JD if he would have sex with Blue Iris. JD quickly said no. The caller also said that Ralph is looking pretty good for his age and he's aging gracefully. The caller said that he's not gay either.
Jon said that Blue seemed a little unstable today on the show. JD said that he can't imagine that. Jon asked if Richard is in love with Blue. JD said that he might like using her as his puppet or something. Jon said that Richard was excited about her being there.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that JD really does have to go to his reunion because he banged a porn star. JD said some of the guys and girls would look down on that. The caller went on to say that Jon was responsible for one of the funniest moments on TV. He said that Jon had this look of disgust on his face when he went into Sal's office after Sal got kicked out of the wedding. The caller said that Jon had warned Sal not to go in the studio and after he went in Jon had this look of horror on his face. Jon said he'll have to check that out. Jon said that they have some great stuff on Howard TV and mentioned Beat the Booey which he hosted (and I played in).
Jon and JD talked about how cranky Howard has been lately and how he keeps goofing on Gange's blog. JD seems to love that. Jon said that Richard is also doing some stuff that seems to be screaming out for attention. JD said that he thinks that Richard just loves Halloween and he's showing that off with his pumpkin mug and stuff like that. Jon said that Richard and JD have a strange relationship.
Jon asked JD about Sal coming in and talking about the pact he had with Howard. JD said ''I don't know'' again so Jon yelled at him to give him more than that. JD mumbled something else but he didn't have much else to say. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about their guests Chris Rock and High Pitch Eric who is bringing in his whore. Artie said that High Pitch is his favorite comedian. He did an impression of him for a few seconds.
Howard said that they have this contest ''I Want To Be Howard Stern'' going on where people can win the chance to have a show on Howard 101. You can find out more on SIRIUS.com
Howard said he was listening to a song parody on Bubba's show that Ned did. He said he heard it was pretty funny and played a few seconds of it. He said you can hear the full song on Bubba's show. The song was about being in prison and getting raped and stuff like that.
Howard thought the song was pretty busy with stuff going on. Fred was also picking apart some of the lines in the song saying that they didn't make sense. Howard said that Bubba is a good man and you can hear that song on his show on Howard 101.
Howard said that he didn't watch Dancing with the Stars last night. He said he watched Terminator instead. He said that he had the biggest conniption last night. He said his TiVo had to make a decision and he missed the first half hour of The Biggest Loser. He said he was really upset about that. Robin told Howard he has to give the shows a ranking of how important the shows are for him and he's not doing that. Howard said he has a life and he can't be doing that all day long.
Gary said they have new TiVos that have twin tuners so he may need to update them. Howard wasn't aware of that. Robin said she assumed that he had those twin tuners. Howard wondered who is buying all of this expensive equipment. Robin said it must be her.
Howard said that he saw a new phone that came out yesterday that has a Google operating system on it. He said that he saw how much stuff it does but he's not sure who can keep up with all of this technology and even afford all of it. Robin said that most people are buying on credit and not cash so everyone is addicted to it. Artie said that most of his friends who have debt have credit card debt. Howard said he never spent more than he could afford to spend. He said that if he had 4 bucks he couldn't spend more than four bucks.
Howard said that credit card companies should cut people off if they can't pay off their bills in 3 months. Robin said that's what they rely on to make money though. She said that the credit card companies will still go after people who have filed for bankruptcy because they know that people can't do it again and they will have to make the minimum payments.
Howard said that he was reading about these big mortgages where illegal immigrants were getting them without having to show any paperwork. He said that they would target those people with the mortgages and put them in that position to buy a house.
Howard said he thinks it would be great to get a court stenographer in there to write down what JD says every time. Artie said that JD talks like a comic book fight scene.
Bobo called in so Howard ended up talking about the town he lives in, Lindenhurst, because he didn't know that's where he was from. They spent a few minutes talking about that.
Bobo asked Howard if he thinks that Jackie harbors any resentment toward him for not inviting him to his wedding. Howard said he's always had a lot of resentment for him but he can't imagine Jackie would be upset about that because they don't see each other anymore. Howard said that he and Jackie haven't really been friends for years. Once he left the show they haven't really hung out that much. They've gone to dinner a couple of times and that's it.
Howard said that Beth doesn't know Jackie that well either. Howard said that's the main reason they didn't invite him. Howard went on to tell a story about staying out at Dominic's house years ago and they invited him over to visit. He said that Jackie came out and went swimming but he felt that Jackie had resentment about him being with a hot chick. Howard said he has always felt uncomfortable with the way Jackie spoke to him and what he thought about him.
Howard said Jackie had two beers in the pool and he thought that was kind of odd. He said the whole relationship wasn't healthy. Robin said that Jackie would try to take as much stuff as he could when he was there. He would even take home their free water bottles from work and take them home. She said he drank a ton there when he was on the show.
Howard said he likes Jackie but it would bee kind of silly to have him at the wedding. He doesn't think he was expecting an invitation anyway. Howard said that other people might have a problem with him too and he really doesn't need to be critiqued by him.
Artie said that he thinks Howard was out at Dominic's in February of 2001 and Jackie quit in March so he's not sure how that time line works. Howard said he knows it was at the pool in the summer so he's not sure about that either.
Artie said that he stayed at Dominic's house one time and hung out at his pool and got to see the indoor pool and stuff. He said the pool was all green and not very clean looking. Howard said Dominic probably needs to put about 100 grand into that pool and he's just not going to do it.
Bobo said he went to see Jackie one time and he was selling his Jokeland stuff at the show. He said that everything was 20 dollars. Howard said he wonders who buys that stuff when they go to those shows. He said the people must look at it after they buy it and wonder what they just wasted their money on.
Howard talked about the gifts that Jackie used to give them and brought up the blue night light he got for his daughter. Howard said Jackie blamed his wife for that.
Howard said that Andy Bloom just had twins. Andy used to be their program director at another station. Howard said that people are sending out pictures of the babies with the mucus and crap still on them. He said he thinks that one foot might still be in the ''vagine'' in those pictures. Howard congratulated Andy on the new kids.
Bobo asked Howard to get Howard TV to put Dominic Barbara's mayday call into a cartoon. Howard said he was just thinking about that the other day and told Beth about the idea. He said he may do that. He let Bobo go a short time later.
Howard talked about where Bobo lives a little more and that led to some discussions about Long Island's north and south shores. Howard also talked about all of the bad memories he had living out on Long Island. Artie and Robin told him he still lives out there. Howard said that it was the neighborhood that he lived in with his parents that he didn't like.
Howard said that he hated the white community he lived in too, not just the black community. He said that he was ignored in the white community. At least they paid attention to him in the black community. Howard said that he wasn't that popular back then.
The caller, Bill, said that Howard picked his call up yesterday and he didn't get on. He had a JD game to play. He said that they had to stop JD from listening. He said they're going to bet on what word he's going to say first and they have three choices.
The caller said that it will be ''I don't know, whatever or like.'' Howard said that he was going to play the clip from the Wrap Up Show and see what word he says first. JD said a few words and ''like'' was the first one that came out.
Artie said that he thinks he can win the game because he knows JD pretty well. He said that JD will say ''whatever'' if you challenge him on anything. The guys came up with some stuff to say about him and they'll see if he says ''whatever'' when they challenge him. Howard said he thinks that JD will say ''like'' first but everyone else thinks it's going to be ''whatever.''
Howard had Gary bring in JD so they could do this. Gary went and got him and then Howard told JD that Jared thinks he's an asshole but he wants to be his friend. JD said ''Um, uh, that's okay but I'll pass.'' Howard told JD that Jared really wants to be his friend and is even willing to go to a therapist. JD said that there are people who won't get along and that's the way it's going to go.
Howard kept digging and tried to get him upset. JD said that he thinks Jared is an asshole too since Jared thinks that he's one. Howard and Artie were throwing stuff at JD trying to get him to say one of the words but it wasn't working very well. JD was actually speaking and not using any of those terms that Bill gave them
JD started to laugh and said ''whatsoever'' so Artie asked him about that and then JD said ''whatever.'' Artie said they should keep playing the game. Robin liked it too. Artie said that he didn't even say the word, he just repeated something that JD said and then he said ''whatever.''
Howard gave Bill a $500 prize that was from IFC. Howard said that it was odd how JD was actually articulate for once. He said that the one time they want him to say mumble and he doesn't do it.
Bill said that he wanted to hit Artie up for tickets for the New Year's Eve show he's doing but Howard told him not to be a schnurer. He said he just gave him 500 bucks and it meant nothing to the guy.
Howard said it's a strange thing when someone has to live a closeted life when they're so fem. Howard wondered if he's going to get even more fem now that he's out of the closet. They played a bunch of edited clips of Clay talking about some gay stuff.
Howard said that he's been contacted by the maker of the Real Doll. He said that the Real Doll is this silicone, life sized doll that looks very real. He said that he had one in the studio and actually banged her. Artie said he remembers Howard telling Sam Simon ''I fucked that'' when he came in one time.
Howard said that you put in some K-Y and it can feel kind of good. He said you feel like a douche bag doing it though. Fred said he didn't blow his load in the doll when he did it. He said it was nothing like the real thing. Howard said that Ronnie did the ass on that thing.
Howard said the guy contacted him about the doll and they have technology now that allows them to make the doll look like any celebrity. Howard said they discussed it in a meeting and Benjy suggested that they give it the face of Lisa G. Howard said he wanted to get a Ronnie Mund doll instead. He said they could have a male doll made and Richard said that he would fuck it in the mouth if they did that. Robin said that Richard is going to do that and go over that line he doesn't want to go over.
Lisa G was out in the hall getting all upset about the doll being made like her. She came in and said that it's gross to do that. Howard said that she is on the list of possibilities. Lisa said it's disgusting that these guys fall in love with their dolls. Howard said that everyone is going to have their way with the doll.
Howard said that they were going to have a doll made up like Scott DePace and asked Jason if he would fuck it. Jason said there was no way he would do that. Scott got on the mic and said that he will sue if they make one of him.
Gary said that he's willing to fuck the real doll from behind if they make it look like Lisa. Lisa said that's gross but they told her that it's not really her. They also suggested that they make a Robin Real Doll. They were also saying that they could do an Elisabeth Hasslebeck or Kathie Lee Gifford. Howard said that someone suggested Rosa Parks. Howard read a list of people they had on the list and then said he was going to take a vote.
Richard said he thinks that Lisa would actually love it if they made one of her and Howard banged it. He said that's as close as she would get. Gary said that he would throw it over the red couch and just bang it right there.
Howard said that Lisa has to be complimented in some way. Lisa said that's a warped thing to think about. She said that she works with them and it's just strange to do that. She said it's perverted and warped to want to have a doll of her made up. Howard said that Sal wanted to pee on the doll if it was Lisa.
Howard said he's going to make it between Robin, Lisa G and Ronnie. Sal said he would put up 100 bucks to have it made up as Lisa G. He said he wants to piss on it in a shower. Howard asked him if he's attracted to Lisa. Sal said he has tossed off a few while thinking about her.
Howard asked Ronnie what he thinks about the doll being made like him and the possibility of Richard banging him. Ronnie was laughing when he came in. He said he didn't know what to say to something like that. Howard said he'd love to see pictures of Richard standing there naked with the Ronnie doll.
Ronnie said that he would pound the shit out of a Lisa G doll because she needs it bad. Lisa said that she didn't know that they were thinking that way about her.
Howard said that he has to vote for the Ronnie doll. Ronnie asked him if he remembers what happened to the last one. Artie said that he would vote for a Jon Hein doll. He said that he'd like to watch that doll never jerk off. Artie laughed his ass off thinking about a Jon Hein doll. He said he'd have to bring that out on stage if he was fucking it. He said that a Jon doll could be his new assistant.
Fred suggested a Wendy the Retard or an Eric the Midget doll. He said that a Steve Langford doll could work too. Artie liked that one and said that the kick was up and it was good. Fred said that he nominates the Steve Langford doll. Richard said it would have to have a big penis. Artie said he thinks the Langford doll would be better than the Scott DePace doll. Howard asked DePace if it would really bother him to see Sal and Richard cumming on his face. DePace said ''Uh, no...'' trying not to get the doll made.
Sal said that he would put chocolate up Scott's ass and fuck it and then put a chocolate swirl on his face after doing it in the ass. Howard asked Sal and Richard who they would rather have since they were the ones who were probably going to be the only ones doing it. He threw out the DePace, Ronnie and Steve Langford dolls. Fred said he's throwing out the Eric the Midget doll idea too. That wasn't catching on. Sal said he thinks that Lisa G would be the best doll to make. Howard suggested a half Ronnie and half Lisa G doll. Howard said that they could do a Jason doll but Sal said it would be too heavy.
Howard said they could do a JD doll and have Jared fuck it. Sal said they could do Tim Sabean too. Lisa liked the Jon Hein doll idea. Artie said that the Langford thing was a good one too.
Howard asked Jon what he thinks of a Jon Hein doll. Jon came in and said he's flattered by Artie's nomination. He said it wouldn't bother him that much. He said he likes Lisa or Langford dolls better. He said that whatever's good for the show is okay with him.
Artie suggested Sal's son Antonio as the doll so Sal suggested Dana and started to say some stuff about her. Artie told him that he went too far so Sal cut himself off.
Howard said that Lisa has a really pretty face and he's afraid that it's just going to look like another Real Doll. He said it would bother her so much though that it might be a good one to make. Howard said that they could put glasses on it and it would look like her.
Howard said he wants something like a Ronnie doll because it might look like him. A caller said that he thinks that they should make a Lisa G doll and have her go down on herself. Lisa said that she would not do that.
Howard asked Lisa if she would do Playboy if they offered her $1 million. She said that she would not and she was already offered a shot at doing it. Lisa said that she wouldn't do it now. Lisa said that maybe 10 years ago she would have.
Lisa said that her figure isn't like it used to be. She said that the texture of her skin isn't as firm as it used to be.
The caller asked Ronnie if he would blow himself if they had a Ronnie doll made. Ronnie said no to that. Howard said he heard that Lisa was saying that she's happy that her breasts have held up the way they have all these years. Lisa said she never said that but she does like the way she's held up all these years. Howard said that Gregg the camera guy heard her say that. Lisa was still denying it.
Gregg came in and said that he heard Lisa talking to a plastic surgeon and she did say that to the guy. Lisa said that she didn't say she liked the way they held up but she may have said something about how good she looks.
Gary said that he went to pick a piece of lint off of Lisa's stomach the other day and he was amazed at how rock hard her stomach was.
The guys said that Lisa plays the violin and plays in a group but she refuses to play for them. Artie laughed when he heard her talking about that. Howard asked her why she won't play for them. She said she likes to keep it private.
Artie asked Howard if he would have Lisa at his wedding if she played for him there. Lisa said that she's not going to do that. She didn't want to jump through hoops to go. Howard asked her if she would be willing to play at the wedding to get a chance to go. Howard told Lisa she's not invited to the wedding.
Fred had one last suggestion for the doll and said ''Chris Rock.'' Howard said he wouldn't do that to Chris. He said they have to think about this some more and come up with a good answer. He said they had to go to break but they ended up talking about the Real Dolls because Lisa was upset about the documentary about the people who love these dolls.
Howard said that some people are just unable to get women and the dolls are something that they can get. Lisa said that it's sad and disgusting. Howard asked her if she thinks it's wrong to masturbate. Lisa said that it's not but it's not the same thing doing it with a doll. Howard said that Lisa already resembles the Real Doll. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that the Bleeding Deacons have another Robin song. He played their latest which was ''Black Boobs Are Fine.'' Howard said that was nice. Artie agreed. Robin asked Artie if he'd be upset if they were singing that about his sister. Artie said his sister is white so that wouldn't work.
Howard played another song about Robin that an intern made. He joked that it was Jon Hein who recorded it but Robin knew that Jon would never do that.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that Jason Kaplan has told Shuli that Benjy has been following the new food rules there for the past week. She said that he's sticking to that two standing orders a day rule.
Benjy was trying to point out that Howard has food brought to him as Howard was talking about that stuff. Artie told Benjy that his argument wasn't a good one.
Lisa said that Siobhan the transsexual wants to try out for a part in the remake of Rock and Roll High School. She wants to try out for multiple parts too. Lisa said they have a Page 69 story about Brian Phelan getting robbed at home. The thief left their cell phone in his car after he chased them off so he called the cops and went to turn in the phone to the cops but kept his phone and put his SIM card in that phone and gave them the other phone.
Eric said that he got the money from working. He said that Paulette asked him why he was moving into the building when he moved in. Paulette said that she just wanted to know who they have on the floor there. Howard asked Paulette if she found him attractive. She said she just wondered if he wanted a blow job. Eric said that as soon as he moved in she asked him if he wanted to have some fun and of course he did.
Howard said that Eric's gums were bleeding as he was looking at him. He said that he's kind of gross and asked Paulette if he was gross down there too. She said he was fine. Eric said that he finished in seconds because she was so good at giving blow jobs.
Paulette said that she has to survive so that's why she does this stuff for money. She's not a crack whore like they thought she was when Eric called in with her.
Paulette was saying that she has to pay her rent so that's why she does this. She said that she pays $400 a month to live in the pace she lives. She coughed a short time later and claimed that it was from smoking too much. She said she won't give up the smoking though.
Paulette did this a couple of times with Eric and she said that he wasn't smelly down there. Eric said that she was really good at fondling him down there and stuff like that. Howard asked Eric if he was afraid she had a disease or anything. Eric said he wasn't worried. Paulette said that Eric is very clean and he's not dirty like they think he is.
Howard asked Paulette if Eric has the smallest penis she's ever had. She said that it is short and fat. Eric said that it got really big when she played with it. Howard told him that's usually what happens.
Howard asked Paulette if she found Eric to be a little bit slow. She said that he does seem a little slow. She said that he relaxes and talks to her after they finish though. She said that it was cozy in her place so they just stayed there.
Howard asked Paulette if she would ever give Eric a blow job for free. She said that she's not sure about that. She was coughing up a storm again around that time. Howard asked if Paulette would ever have intercourse with him. She said ''Why would I?'' She didn't seem to have any interest in that. She said that you only do that when you love someone. The blow job is no big deal to her.
Eric asked Howard if he wanted to see her give him a hand job right now. Howard said he's not sure anyone wants to see that. Artie said that he would pay her for the hand job if she did it. Paulette just giggled.
Howard asked if Eric can touch her when he's getting the blow job. She said that he's not allowed to touch her. Artie wanted to get that right and said that Eric can stick his cock into her mouth but he's not allowed to touch? That's right.
Eric said that he finished on Paulette's face. He said it was kind of funny when he did that. Howard asked Paulette where she's from. She said she's from the Caribbean. She said that she came over when she was 18 and she was running around working in fast food joints. She met a good man and she's still in contact with him but not living with him. Howard didn't understand that story.
Howard said he's excited for Eric having this romance. He said that they seem to be almost becoming a couple. Eric said that Paulette wasn't going to come in there because she was so nervous.
Eric asked Artie if he wants a blow job from her. Artie sounded like he was thinking about it. Howard asked Eric if he thinks about her when he masturbates. Eric said that he does think about another blow job from her but he doesn't have the money.
Howard said that Eric is going to be bartending at Jordan's Bar and Grill at Bob Levy's comedy club this weekend. He's also doing a radio show at SyndicateRadio.tv. Howard also gave them a $500 prize to split. They said that was okay but didn't seem all that excited about it.
Eric said he asked Paulette to get on the Sybian but she had no idea what it was. They brought it out to show her but she had no desire to get on it.
Artie asked Paulette where she had worked. She said that she worked at McDonald's and some other bars and stuff. She said that she worked really hard and she's done with that for now. She told them that was 44 years old.
Gary told the guys to look at Eric's belly because it's huge. He guessed that he was like 360 pounds but Eric said that he's not that big. Then Eric said that he's probably 350-360. He got on the scale in the studio and it showed 333 pounds. Eric said that he had lost some weight.
Howard said that he thought Eric was going to bring in some ugly crack whore but this woman is a very nice looking woman. She's not a crack whore either.
Howard said that it would be nice if Paulette offered to blow Eric for free but he can't see that happening. Eric asked Paulette if she would blow Artie. She said ''why not?'' Artie asked her what she would do for him for 10 bucks. She said that a hand job would be 20. Artie said he only had 15 bucks on him.
Howard asked Eric if he would give Artie a hand job for 15 bucks. Eric said ''absolutely not.'' Artie corrected Eric about calling her a crack whore. Howard said that Eric did call her a crack whore but she's really not one. Artie said she's a beer whore, not a crack whore.
Howard talked to Paulette a little more about her life and asked if she has any family there. She said that she doesn't. She said that she does have some in London.
Howard asked Paulette about Eric's load and if it was really nasty. She said it wasn't bad at all and he wasn't dirty or anything. Howard asked Robin what it would take for her to blow Eric. Robin said it would be several million, probably in the 10s of millions. Howard told Paulette that she was very brave to admit she blew Eric. No one has ever admitted to doing that.
Howard found out that Paulette went to college back home. Howard told her to look into her cough because she let out another nasty one around that time.
Howard asked Eric what happened with the charges he had against him. He said he has to go to court over that in a couple of months. He said that he took his card out of his drawer. Howard asked Eric if he's a thief. Eric didn't answer. Eric said that he was behind in his bills so that's why he took the card. He said he has to go back to court in November for that.
Howard asked Eric how much money he spent on the card. Eric said he didn't want to answer that until his court date. Artie said that Paulette sounded kind of like Yoda so he started to do an impression of her as Yoda. Eric didn't want to talk about the court case and said that he doesn't think he's going to go to jail. Eric said he hasn't spoken to that friend since he got caught. His attorney told him not to have any contact with him.
Eric said that he was done with that life of stealing. He won't do it anymore. Eric asked Howard if they were going to do a Howard TV special from his place. Howard didn't know if they were going to do that.
Howard asked whose apartment is nicer, Eric's or Paulette's. Paulette said that it was hers. They talked about the bathrooms there in the building they live in and Paulette said that she doesn't use the bathroom there. She refused to tell them where she goes. Howard asked her if she uses a bucket. She said she does it ''the old fashioned way.'' She made it sound like she might go in a litter pan but she refused to admit to it.
Eric said he uses the bathroom. Artie said that's probably why Paulette doesn't use it. Howard kept trying to get Paulette to admit to where she goes but she said she really doesn't want to say. Paulette said that she does keep her doody covered and she won't bring it right to the bathroom.
Howard wrapped up and asked Eric if he's going to give Paulette some of that money for blow jobs. Eric said he might. He said that he could get six blow jobs with that. He said he'll space it out and not get them all in a row. Howard wished them good luck and let them go after that. Howard said he thought he was going to throw up after that interview. He went to break a short time later.
Howard had a new phony phone call to play. They called an intern's dad who is a hot head. Richard kept calling him Earl even though his name wasn't Earl. Richard called back and kept bothering the guy until he got pissed. The guy eventually told him he didn't have the right number and he had better stop calling. Richard called the guy back even when he was asked not to call him back. He told him that he had just gotten yelled at by some asshole when he called the wrong number. Then Richard called back as Earl and gave him his number to give to the other guy who was calling.
Howard said he probably would have killed Richard if he kept calling his house like that. Howard said that he had some other stuff that he wanted to talk about. He had the top 5 songs to play. He went through that list which included Jay-Z, M.I.A., Rhianna, T-I and Pink. Howard played short clips of each song.
Howard said he had a couple of stories from the tabloids. He read one from the National Enquirer about Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. They claim that the reason Jimmy dumped Sarah is because she's into fat guys and he found them on her computer. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. He said he doesn't believe a word of it but it is the Enquirer and you have to think that they might have something there.
Howard said that he would have to break up with a girl if she was into fat naked guys too. He said that chicks just don't do that kind of thing and it would be kind of weird if she was.
Howard said that Beth isn't into porn and she's always talking about how gross the girls and guys are in the movies. Artie said that it might be best that your girl isn't into porn. He said that he took Dana to Scores one time and some chick was trying to give her a lap dance and Dana was kind of recoiling. He said that Dana eventually did take the lap dance and he had to fuck her after seeing that because it was so hot.
Howard talked about the time he shot a load in his pants just watching Beth getting a lap dance from a chick. He said that no one was even touching him and he still blew the load.
Robin talked about seeing Howard getting dances from girls out in Vegas one year. She said it was very disturbing to see and she couldn't look at him while he had it going on. Howard said he couldn't look at her either because he was so embarrassed.
Howard said that he always found it hot when girls would dance for Beth. He said they don't really do that anymore though. He said that he doesn't even bring it up anymore because she's not into it. He wondered if she did that to rope him in.
Howard said he's not sure where he stands on anything anymore. He told a story about being in Vegas one time and Beth getting a lap dance from a really hot chick. He asked Beth why they couldn't proposition that chick to be in bed with her. Beth wasn't interested in that chick and she was really hot. He wondered who she would be with if she wouldn't be with that chick. She's just not into girls.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks she'd ever be with another chick. Robin said no. Howard tried to get more out of her and asked her if she would ever do anything like that. She said that she's really not that open and she wouldn't be able to do that.
Howard asked Robin about going out with Jim Florentine and if he ever brought up anything like that. Robin said that he was being interviewed on Bubba's show one time and Jim was asked if he had a threesome with her and he sounded really bummed when he said no.
Howard said he hasn't even gone to any strip clubs lately. He said that he hasn't been for years. He said that he's in therapy and that's the worst thing for someone who likes strip clubs. Howard said that when you go to a strip club you can feel kind of guilty and you can't go if you're in a relationship. He said he's in a frame of mind where he's devoted to Beth and he's trying to be a good husband and focus on the relationship.
Richard said that JD is the best to be around at a strip club. He said that JD says ''Oh yeah'' in a really creepy way. JD came in and tried to explain himself and ended up calling Richard an asshole for bringing that stuff up.
Howard said that JD is into strippers who have big fat asses. JD said that they're not fat though. Gary said that JD once wanted a chick to have a dog lick peanut butter off of her crotch. JD said that he was just in a weird place at the time. He wanted to drop that subject and move on.
Howard said that JD is into some weird shit. He said that JD would have these chicks doing some very strange stuff on the web. Richard said JD likes to see chicks slap themselves and stuff. JD said that they have to do something.
Howard asked JD what happened to that Kissyphur chick. JD said he hasn't spoken to her in a long time. He has no idea what happened to her. Howard asked him what he used to have to pay to talk to her. JD said it was like $2.99 a minute or something. Howard said that's like 3 bucks but they try to fool you into thinking it's cheaper.
Artie said that he doesn't believe that he's been with a woman who likes him. He said that he's talking about that stuff in therapy now.
Howard asked JD about the $2.99 a minute thing and found out that he would do it for about 10 minutes at a time. JD said he didn't like talking about this at all. Richard said that he used to take a magazine and put it on his couch and then he'd take a toilet paper roll with a lot of lube in it and fuck that. He told JD that's what he should do. JD started to walk out when he heard that.
Howard asked JD if he got off when he saw that chick getting peanut butter licked off of her. JD said he didn't remember. Howard asked him about what he says to a chick to get her to do that kind of stuff. Howard asked him why he was doing that. JD said that sometimes you just go into dark places.
Howard asked JD if he thinks about his dog licking peanut butter when he sees her. JD said he doesn't think about that.
Howard asked where Chris Rock was because he was trying to kill some time while he waited. Chris just showed up according to Gary. He said he had to sign him in and stuff. Howard went to break so they could get that out of the way.
Howard asked Chris if he ever messed with drugs. Chris said that he did dabble in some stuff to make some model happy or something. He said he'd do it just to get the pussy. Chris said that all of the models do heroin and they snort it so he didn't have to shoot up or anything. Howard wondered why he didn't get addicted like Artie did. Chris said that he likes to work.
Howard told Chris he's his favorite comedian and he saw that he had a new HBO special coming up. When he saw the ad for that he wrote it down in his date book to make sure he TiVos it. He said he doesn't do that with any other comedian.
Howard asked Chris how often he does these specials for HBO. Chris said he'll wait a couple of years before he does another one. He said he saves up his material and puts together a big show every couple of years. Chris said that he gets really good money to do the shows and HBO actually over pays.
Chris said that Robin is doing pretty good and he saw her boat in Jet magazine. Howard asked Chris if he thinks it's weird that Robin can't swim but she still has a boat. Chris said he can't swim either but he has a pool. Howard said that Chris could have learned to swim if his mother had taught him.
Chris asked Howard if he's getting married this week or next. Howard said that it is soon. He said he would have invited Chris to the wedding but he doesn't hang out with him because his wife doesn't like him. Howard said that they'll socialize when Chris gets married to his next wife.
Chris said that he's very happy in his marriage right now. Chris asked Howard if he's really getting married again. Howard said that he is. Chris said that people could hear him on the last show he was on. Now he's on this show and it's like ''Oh shit, there's a cloud, I can't hear Howard.''
Howard said that he spoke to Chris' brother and he told them that Chris told him not to get married. Chris said he doesn't think he told him that exactly. Chris said that Howard had to reinvent his whole career after he got divorced and now he's going to have to do a show from under water or something when he gets divorced again.
Howard read in the National Enquirer that Chris went to Bruce Lee's grave and left flowers. Chris said that's just not true and it must have been Chris Tucker or someone else.
Howard said that Chris has been out on the road for a while now. Chris said he was out all last year and it was a big tour. He said it was rough being away from the wife and kids for that long.
Howard asked Chris who he's hanging out with these days. Chris said it's the kids actually. Howard said he'd like to ask Chris to come out and do stuff but he knows that his wife hates him. Chris said that he has told his wife that Howard is the way he is because he's on the air for hours and hours a day. He said he'd have all kinds of shit coming out of his mouth too if he was on the air that long.
Howard said he heard that Chris kind of fell for this girl he was working with on a movie. Chris said that he's married and his wife comes to the set so nothing happens there. Chris said that he's all good in his marriage.
Robin asked Chris why he can't recommend marriage to Howard. Chris said that Howard was very happy after his divorce and it was a level of happiness that only a few people have ever experienced in their lives. Chris said that everything was better when he was single. He said that Howard was out socializing and buying drinks for people. Howard said he's right and he hates him.
Robin said that Chris is scaring Howard and it's not a good time to have him on the show. Howard said that this is probably what Chris would say at the wedding when he toasted him.
Chris said that he has seen Beth walking around on the street and he keeps an eye on her to make sure she's not giving guys the ''I'm with an old guy'' look. Chris said that she could be out there doing that but she's not. He said that he sees her coming out of the Reebok club she works out at and she's not giving anyone that look.
Chris said that chicks can get that look where they tell guys that they're with the old guy but not really ''with'' him. Howard said that Chris was pretty vicious this morning.
Howard said that women have been coming out of the woodwork claiming that they're having Chris' baby. Chris said he just had to take another test last year and none of these kids are his. He said that every famous person has a stalker but he has a couple. He said he had one from about 14 years ago and that has got other women doing the same thing.
Howard asked Chris who he's backing for President. Chris said it was McCain but he was kidding and said that every black guy should come out and say that they're backing that guy. It would be like reverse psychology for the rest of America.
Howard asked Chris if he thinks that Obama could win. Chris said that he feels sorry for America if they're not ready for a black president. He said that they may not have been ready for Jackie Robinson but he turned out to be amazing.
Howard brought up Bernie Mac who died not too long ago. Chris said that he fell in love with Bernie when he worked with him on ''Head of State.''' Howard asked him if he went to his funeral. Chris said that he did go. He said that it wasn't fun to go but there were a lot of celebrities there. Howard said he must like going to something like that to schmooze with the other stars. Chris said that he doesn't just hang out with famous guys. Artie said that he doesn't hang out with all famous people, he hangs out with Mario Joiner.
Howard said he went to the Ed Bradley funeral and they stuck him in the back. Chris said that he was there too and he would have brought Howard up to the front if he knew he was there. Howard said that he should have been sat up front the other stars. Howard said that he didn't even get a gift bag at the party. Chris asked him if he went to the after party. Howard said he didn't go either.
Chris asked when Howard was getting married but Howard didn't want to say exactly when it was. Howard said that he would like to have Chris at the wedding but the problem with him is that he's going to show up and laugh at him at the wedging.
Chris was asking if Jackie was going to be there. Howard said he's not. That led to them talking about Jackie and his ''Joke Hunt'' show that he does there. Chris found it funny that Jackie is sober now while Artie is all cracked out.
Chris said that he wouldn't laugh at Howard at his wedding. Howard said that he's a cynic and he would sit there making fun of him the whole time. Artie said that Howard is a cynic too. Gary said that Howard has gone to weddings and laughed at people at their weddings too. Howard said he was a bitter man back then and he's changed.
Artie said that Chris would say funny shit if he was there. Howard said that he can imagine the bits that Chris would do there. He said that he'd bring up the ''I'm not with the old guy'' look thing.
Howard asked Chris if he was surprised that Clay Aiken came out of the closet. Chris didn't know about that but he said ''good for Clay.''
Artie said that he heard a story from Nick DiPaolo about how Chris will fly people in to help him write when he does the Oscars and stuff like that. They all work together to write the material. Howard asked Chris if he misses the Saturday Night Live days. Chris said he doesn't miss that at all.
Chris said that his show ''Everybody Hates Chris'' is still doing good and it's coming up on 5 years on the air. He said that once it goes into syndication it's going to be good money.
Howard asked Chris about George Carlin. Chris said that he loved that guy and his last HBO special was one of the best ever. He said that he has hung out with him a little bit but George wasn't the socializing type.
Howard said his father called him up and yelled at him about how he doesn't tell people who is on the couch enough so he mentioned that Chris Rock was there. He gave him a plug for Chris' HBO special ''Kill the Messenger'' that's coming up soon.
Howard told Chris that Sal told them about seeing him at a Beastie Boys concert and he said to him ''What's up my Nigga'' and Chris loved it. Howard said he didn't think it was acceptable at the time. Sal came in and said that he thought it was okay to say it at the time.
Sal said that Chris was standing on a chair at the concert and he was doing this ''black jig'' thing there. The guys stopped him there and said that he was wrong already. Sal said that Chris was dancing to ''Slow or Low'' at the time.
They had a picture of Sal with Chris at that concert and Chris said that was a really long time ago. Chris said that people say stuff to him that hey wouldn't normally tell him in real life. He said they want to be edgy around him or something. Howard said that they think that Chris is going to put them in his act or on TV or something.
Howard said that guys will come up to him and do outrageous things with their kids and stuff when they see him out. Howard said he thinks that's what's going on with Chris.
Artie said that he saw Chris out at a Tower Records one day and didn't want to bother him. He saw this kid go up to Chris and said that he thought Chris might want his autograph. Chris said that happens once in a while. Artie said that Chris looked at the kid like he thought he was an asshole and the kid just walked away.
Artie said that he has fans who will walk up and hand him coke and weed at shows. He said that they just want to be involved with them.
Howard got back to Sal and Sal told his story about how he brought up the N-word with him. He said that he looked over at Chris ad asked him what a nigga like him was doing at that concert. Sal said Chris looked at him and said that he loves them Beastie Boys. Robin said that was racist but Sal said it really wasn't. Howard told Sal that he has learned nothing and kicked him out of the studio.
Howard told Chris that Sal won't be at the wedding. Chris figured that wasn't Howard keeping him from the wedding, it was Beth. Artie said he was kind of right. It was Beth who was keeping Sal out of the wedding. Chris told Howard that it's already starting and it's going to be hard to go home to a democracy from the dictatorship he has at work.
Howard said that he's going to be fine. He asked Chris how long he's been married. Chris said it's about 11 years now and he's happy.
Howard asked Chris if he sees the traits of Chris Farley in Artie. Chris said that he does but there's really nothing you can do. He said that the only thin that Howard could really do is fire Artie. He said that if he was really fucked up and out of work, he'd be broke in 3 months.
Chris said that it's one thing to get a guy sober for himself but there were so many people in Farley's life who he was working for that it just fucked him up. Chris said that the people in Farley's life were kind of accessories to his death. He said that they're not really responsible but they kind of did have something to do with it.
Robin said that Artie has never fucked up to the point where he's fireable. Artie said that he has missed days. Chris said that there are guys out there who can work and function being on heroin for 30 years. He said he knows a cop who is like that.
Robin said she didn't know that it was heroin that Artie was on when he was out sick. Chris said that he knew it was heroin and he doesn't even have SIRIUS. He said that people don't get sick in show business, they're on drugs. Artie said he gets what Chris is saying but he doesn't think that they should fire him.
Howard asked Chris about the sketch that Chris Farley did where he was a Chippendale's dancer. Chris didn't like the sketch because of the way they called Chris fat and some other names. Chris said they could have written it differently so they didn't have to make fun of him in such a harsh way. Chris said that Farley had problems with the fat jokes.
Artie said that he spoke to Jim Downy, the writer of that sketch, about the bit and he had an explanation for why they wrote it the way they did. Howard said that other people like Danny DeVito has to think about how short he is but it doesn't cause him to go down that road that Farley went down.
Howard said that Chris has about 5 minutes left so he wanted to get to everything else he had to. Chris said he's going to do Regis and some other radio shows and stuff.
Howard said he read that about a year ago Chris was over in South Africa and they played a joke on him for this TV show. They were accusing him of raping a minor and set him up. Chris said that in America Punk'd is like getting a dent in your car. In Africa they tell you your kids are dead or you're going to jail for rape. Chris said that they told him he had sex with a minor in London. Chris said that he isn't out doing anything like that so he knows that it's bullshit. Howard said that if they did that to him and accused him of something like that, he'd probably kill them.
Howard said he thought they tried to drag Chris into a court room. Chris said they did try to do it but he knew that he hadn't fucked anyone there. He said that he got the fuck out of the country after that. It was his first day in Africa that it happened.
Howard asked Chris what the best country was to work in. Chris said that London was great. Howard said he was going to let Chris go after that. Howard spent a little more time talking to him about Sarah Palin and stuff like that. Chris said that he's not going to shit on Alaska or anything but the fact that they won't let her speak shows that there is something wrong there.
They had to end the interview a short time later. Gary came in and said that he really has to go. Howard gave Chris some more plugs for his upcoming HBO special. They talked a little bit about baseball and Gary said that Chris threw a ball out at a Mets game one time and ended up throwing it into the 7th row while Adam Sandler threw it right to the catcher. Gary told Howard that Chris really had to go. Howard tried to end it again but they ended up talking about Howard's wedding some more. Chris was goofing on Howard and this whole Wedding thing even as they were going to break. Howard eventually ended it and went to break.
Howard said he read that Travis and DJ AM were trying to put out the fire on each other after the crash. They were beating each other to put it out.
Howard said it was great to see Chris Rock today. He said that he does shake him up bad though when he comes in. He said he knows what Chris is talking about with him being married before. He said that he's an older guy now and he knows what he wants. He said that you can feel locked up in a marriage when things go bad. He said that he doesn't want to fuck up again and have another marriage fail.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. Steve said that he was honored and flattered about the Real Doll thing they spoke about earlier.
Steve said that Eric the Midget has agreed to an interview with his least favorite interviewer so he can pedal his pictures. Steve said that Eric is still looking for Artie to bring in those pictures he sent along with him. He included a wedding gift in the package so that's why he's so anxious for Artie to find it.
Steve said that Jackie is still upset with the news department after their little incident recently. Jackie told Shuli that he's no longer speaking to Howard 100 News.
Steve said that they did a poll asking fans if they think Ralph is guilty of stealing and 95 percent of the people think he did.
Jon Hein came in and ran down his Wrap Up Show preview. In the middle of that Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Howard should have mixed it up more with Chris and the marriage thing. Howard thanked her for that and got off the phone pretty quickly. Jon finished up his Wrap Up Show preview after that.
Robin said that the genetically engineered foods are going to be put on the market without any markings on them. Howard said he heard that they're going to program cows to have ketchup already in them. He said it would be like that peanut butter they sell with jelly already in it.
Robin read a story about a guy who beat up a high school bully 10 years later at a high school reunion. Howard said that's kind of fucked up because they're out of high school. Robin read another story about a guy who killed a cat and claimed that the cat was stalking him. The jury wasn't able to come up with a verdict. Howard wondered what kind of time he could get for killing a cat. Robin said it was 2 years. Howard said he read that the cat was declawed so it couldn't have been hurting him too much.
Robin brought up the David Blaine stunt and Howard said that Beth went down to see him. He said he thinks she has hots for him. Artie said that Dana went to see Blaine doing a card trick one time and she was all excited about that. He told her that it was just a card trick he was doing. Howard said that Beth met Blaine years ago before he met her and he filled her head with all kinds of nonsense. He figured that Blaine just wanted to get into her pants. Fred said that he was probably just trying to make his cock disappear.
Howard said that Beth told him that Blaine is taking 10 minute breaks from hanging upside down. He's not hanging upside down for 60 hours straight. Howard said that he would like to see that for some reason. He said that Blaine is trying to do something interesting and it's almost like art. Artie wondered how he can make money on something like that. Robin said he's doing a TV special for ABC.
Robin read a story about a woman who let her son get an arsenal of weapons that he was going to use on kids at his school. They were trying to help him boost his confidence at school. Robin said he listed the two Columbine kids as his heroes on his Myspace page.
Robin read a story about an African American Day parade that was held in Harlem where the cops ended up arresting a bunch of people and found weapons. There were four shootings during the parade. Howard said he thought that it was African American day up in Harlem all the time.
Robin asked if the self breast exam is helpful. Howard figured they were. Robin said that women don't really know how to do it so it may not be the best thing to do.
Robin read a story about 6 NFL players are donating their brains to science so they can study what happens to people after multiple concussions.
Robin had a story about a guy who was going to be put to death in Georgia and that was stayed by the Supreme Court. Robin said that Sharon Stone has lost custody of her son. Howard said she must be a horrible mother. Robin said that it wasn't that. She said that Sharon wanted to move and the judge gave custody to the father who didn't want to move.
Robin read that Lindsay Lohan has come out of the closet and admitted she's been dating a woman for about 2 years now. She also mentioned the story about Clay Aiken coming out too.
Robin read a story about Travis Barker and DJ AM not wearing clothes when they got out of the plane crash. It turns out they were trying to put out the fires on each other. They were wearing boxers when they were found. Howard said if his cloths were on fire, he'd be stripping them off too.
Howard had an audio clip of Lindsay Lohan talking about dating this girl for about 2 years and he didn't think it was that much of an admission of being gay. She just laughed and said that she had been seeing this girl a long time. She didn't say she was gay and didn't say it was 2 years. The DJ she was talking to is the one who said ''two years.'' Robin said that she was kind of implying that she was a couple with that woman though.
Robin read a story about a judge in Oklahoma who used a penis pump in court while he was hearing a case. He has been disbarred.
Robin brought up a story about a guy in India who was killed after a bunch of employees had to be laid off. He was going to discuss a reinstatement deal but ended up dead.
Robin read a story about a high school hazing event where six team members sodomized some younger players with broom sticks. Howard said that some of these guys get into some weird stuff and it's very homo erotic. Artie said that maybe some of them are secretly gay. Robin said the boys who were victims were still trying to play football and going to other schools.
Robin read a story about a flight crew that slept through a flight and missed their landing. She said that they have been suspended after both of them fell asleep on the flight. Robin said that doctors are saying that texting is so distracting that people shouldn't even do it while walking. Robin said that she saw a woman running and texting.
Robin took one story out that she found to be too ugly for today's news. Artie said he wants to read that one later. Robin read through some stories about President Bush and had Howard play some audio clips. Howard was wondering what story she wasn't reading. Robin said it was an execution story about a guy who was put to death in Florida for killing a woman and her kids.
Howard had to read some live commercials around that time. He went from the death story to a commercial for Klondike Bars. He did one more live commercial for Harley Davidson and then had Robin get back into her news.
Robin read the list of top TV shows and said that they hardly watch any of the top 10 shows. She ran down some of the shows on the list and talked about how few people are actually watching TV these days. The number one highest rated show only had 22 million viewers.
Robin said that the President of Iran was there in the U.S. the other day. She played some audio of him speaking. Howard said that he's not sure why we deal with that guy and why we don't just blow him up. Artie said that the guy is a menace and he agrees with Howard on that. Artie called him a douche while he was doing his impression of Tracy the office manager yelling at Steve Grillo.
Robin read some news about the economy and the disaster that's waiting for us. She had some audio clips for that and about the new google phone that Howard mentioned earlier this morning.
Robin said that there must be an anniversary coming up for The Godfather because they're talking to Talia Shire about the movie. She had an audio clip of her talking about Francis Ford Coppola being the best director out there.
Robin brought up Clay Aiken again and played a clip of him refusing to admit that he was gay in an old interview.
Robin read a story about Jeffrey Ross being booted from Dancing with the Stars. She had some audio of him getting booted and Tom Bergeron laughing at every word he said.
Robin read a story about Britney Spears' mother saying that her daughter Jamie Lynn was ostracized for getting pregnant out of wedlock and Sarah Palin is being celebrated for her 17 year old daughter getting knocked up. Howard said he's not celebrating that at all. He doesn't know who is.
Robin had some audio of David Blaine talking about hanging upside down. Blaine said that people didn't know if it was possible or not. Robin had a few other audio clips that she had Howard play for her.
Robin said that Knight Rider is coming back tonight. Val Kilmer is playing the voice of the car. Artie said ''Poor Val.'' Robin said that Brooke Shields is coming back with her show tonight too. They ended the show a short time later, around 10:55am.
Gary said that Chris knows everyone there and he gets in there and he's just a fuckin' funny guy. Benjy said he thinks that what makes it so good is that he's at the same level of power that Howard is and they're on equal footing. Gary said that Howard seems to have a deep respect for Howard and Chris seems to have the same for Howard.
Jon asked Gary what he thinks about what Chris was suggesting for Artie. Gary said that they didn't know that Artie was on drugs until he told them about it and he can't imagine that they'd fire him over something like that to help him. Benjy wondered what Chris would do if someone close to him was on drugs. Would he fire them?
Jon asked Gary if he booked Chris because the wedding was coming up soon. Gary said that it was Chris' people who called and asked to have him in to promote the HBO special that's on this Sunday night.
Gary and Jon talked about what Howard was saying about why he's not having Chris to his wedding and stuff like that. Gary said that they went to commercial break after that and he reminded Howard that he laughed at every guy at every wedding he went to. He reminded him about the Trump wedding where Howard gave them 3 months and when Trump's wife heard that she refused to fuck him on their wedding night.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Chris hurt Howard's feelings. Gary said he may have a little bit. He said that Howard and Beth are clearly ready to get married but everyone says that they think their marriage is going to last.
A woman called in and said that she thought Chris was very sensitive when he was talking about Chris Farley and the way things went for him. The guys spent a little time talking about what they thought of all of that. The caller said that it made Chris all that much more likable when he was talking about that stuff.
Gary said that thought Chris' premise about Beth's ''I'm with the old guy look'' was funny and he thinks that it probably got under Howard's skin a little bit.
Another caller said that he thinks that Howard is in love with Beth and he's getting married now because he's like any other guy who falls in love. Gary said that Howard is adamant about what he does being the right thing. Gary said that no guy gets divorced and looks to get married right away again.
Jon said that Chris was saying that he wouldn't get married again even if it cured AIDS. He took another call from a guy who said he thought Chris didn't care about the sketch that he was talking about Farley doing and he was more upset about the way Farley felt about himself in that.
The caller was also saying that Chris had a bunch of great lines in that segment but Sal sure came off as an ass when he came in. Jon asked Gary how Chris reacted to that story that Sal told. Gary said that he probably thought it was just another thing he has to deal with.
Sal came in and said that you don't just go up to any random black guy on the street and use the N-word. He said that it was a situation where they were drinking and having fun so it wasn't a threatening way of bringing it up. Gary said that it's the way Sal formulates these bonds in his head that makes it weird. Sal said that he and Chris were bonding and it wasn't mean spirited.
Sal said that people are too worried about this N-word and they should just get over it. He said that maybe he shouldn't have said that word but he did and he just thinks they should move on. Sal said that Gary did say the N-word in school and got his face punched in over it. Gary said he was 14 at the time and it was because the guy was picking on him. Sal said that means that Gary is the racist because he used it in a hateful way.
Sal said that Chris isn't upset about it so they should just move on. High Pitch Mike came in and said that Sal was saying it in a bullshitting type of way and Chris probably wasn't shocked by it because his whole act is based on racial humor.
Sal said that he and Jon tell jokes on the way home and they get pretty racy in there. He said they tell pedophile jokes and stuff in the car. Jon said that the jokes are all Sal, not him.
Gary said that Sal doesn't understand the ramifications of what he does. Sal said that if he didn't understand the ramifications, he'd be dead by now.
The guys continued to talk to Sal about this and kept going around in circles. Jon took some phone calls and let some people talk about what they thought of Sal. The callers were saying that Sal probably didn't mean anything by it. Gary said that's what they've been saying, but Sal doesn't know what he's saying either.
Gary said he's fascinated by Sal and he thinks that he just does some stuff that's not so intelligent. Sal kept defending himself against everyone and seemed to be refusing to accept that he was wrong.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal is just stepping on his dick again and he should just get out of the studio. The caller also said that he was pissed that Sal didn't come out and autograph anything for anyone. He said he wanted his autograph the other night and he was pissed that everyone was there except for Sal. Sal said he was there.
Another caller said that Sal just doesn't know any better than to do this stuff. Sal tried defending himself with her too and wondered what kind of point Chris was making when he uses the N-word on stage. He said that it's all about making a joke and making people laugh. He ended up going off on her and said that everyone likes to pick on him and it's all bullshit.
Gary said that he was trying to make a point about Sal creating scenarios in his head and making them fact. Sal said he knows he thinks too much for other people.
Jon tried to get the guys back on track and brought up the Chris Rock thing again and asked what the guys think about his advice for Howard's marriage. Sal said that Chris is just joking around with that stuff. Gary said that Chris made him laugh his ass off when he brought up the pre-nups and goofed around with that. He said he thought it was very funny.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if there could be a bigger douche bag than Sal. He said that Sal isn't funny and he sits there talking about Chris Rock the way he does. He said that Sal is just s douche bag. Gary said that Sal is not a douche bag. He said that it's the wrong word for him. He said there's got to be another word for him other than that. Jon had to go to break after that.
JD said that Richard also demonstrated what it was like when he gets a lap dance out in the hall. He said it was kind of funny when he was doing that though.
Richard came in and said that he goofs around with JD because he knows that it's in good spirits. He said that Ronnie is harder to read and he's afraid he's going to beat his ass but with JD he doesn't have to worry about that because he's a nerd. Richard said that he was trying to measure Ronnie's mouth and butt hole today for the Real Doll.
A caller asked what happened with Chris Rock and Sal because he had missed the interview. Gary and Sal went over what had happened at that Beastie Boys concert. Gary asked Sal to stop using the N-word because he had used it enough today. Sal said that he was only 17 at the time and didn't know any better.
Jon asked Richard about the paper towel roll that he mentioned during the show. Richard said that he didn't get laid from the age of 19 to 29 and jerking off got boring after about 8 years so he got paper towels and he would lube up the cardboard from the middle of the towels and he'd lube it up and fuck it. Richard said it was pretty much the same as fucking a Real Doll because it was a wet hole.
Richard said that his penis was the perfect size for doing that because it fit just right in that paper towel roll. He said he's not endorsing it and he doesn't want people going out and trying it and hurting themselves.
Benjy said that the guys must have tried to fuck something that's not human. He said he tried fucking a bottle when he was younger. Gary said he's never done that. Jon said he's never tried that either.
Jon asked Richard if he really will fuck the Ronnie Real Doll if that's what they end up going with. Richard said he won't be able to perform looking at a Ronnie Real Doll but he thinks it would be funny to finish on his face.
Gary and the guys talked about how Lisa G was reacting to the whole thing this morning. Benjy said he thinks that Lisa would be seething if they actually went through it and got one. Richard said he doesn't think that Howard would let them fuck the Lisa G doll if they had one made.
Gary said that he thinks that if they did create one of those dolls and they fucked the doll over the couch, the joke would be over for Lisa.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal is out of his mind with the statistics that he's always quoting on the show. Sal said he's going to come out with a book with all of that stuff in it.
Jon brought up High Pitch Eric and his blow job friend. They spent a short time talking about her since they only had about 2 minutes left in the show. They talked about how Paulette was better looking than they thought she was going to be. Richard said he thinks that they should get Donald Trump involved and get Robin to blow High Pitch for like 10 million bucks for their last show there at SIRIUS. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started off the show talking about how he's been grumpy lately. He thinks that it's because he gets so run down from working out. He said he can barely walk after doing the work outs. He's all sore and stuff too. Robin said she doesn't eat anything but she doesn't creak around like him. She said she does weight work outs and pilattis and also runs. Howard said she doesn't run constantly, she takes a lot of breaks.
Howard said that Robin said she was going to run with Beth O in the marathon. Robin said she thought about it but she isn't going to do it.
Howard said Beth told him that the training for the marathon is relentless and she can't take it anymore. He said that she promised to do it for the animals (GoBethO.org) so she doesn't have any options. She's not going to bail out, she's just complaining about it.
Artie said that he has mastered the art of giving up on stuff like that. Howard joked that he lost 5 grand on Artie going over to Afghanistan. He said that he thought he'd never go and bet someone off the air that he would never make it. Artie sounded shocked by that. Howard said he was just kidding.
Artie said that when he was over in Afghanistan he thought about how great the fresh heroin would be to try over there. He said that it would be great to have some that wasn't stuck up some chick's ass for three weeks.
Howard said he ran about 4 miles yesterday and then went in and did some bench presses. He said he's getting weaker and weaker instead of stronger. He said he was lifting about 135 pounds and it felt like 500 pounds. He only got off 4 reps on each set.
Howard said he does push-ups and some other things but he just gets worn out from the work outs. He said he should have a gorgeous body but it's really not. He said he'd like to show it all to Robin but his penis is too small to do that.
Howard said he still has a little bit of a stomach and his ass isn't good. He said he's 194 pounds and 6'5'' tall and he should be gorgeous. Artie said that he was heavy at one point in his life though so that's something to consider.
Howard said he thinks he's all worn out but Robin told him that he's probably scared about the wedding. She told him it's probably the stress from that which is leading to his grumpiness.
Howard said he has been going to therapy and he's not understanding how someone can love and hate someone at the same time. He said he doesn't get that and he doesn't even understand being angry. He said he's a void of humanity and he doesn't even know himself. He said he's fucked up beyond what he imagined. He told Robin that she's going to be more normal than him soon.
Howard said he's getting weaker and not understanding himself. He said he just wants to not fuck up this second marriage and he's trying to make sure he doesn't screw over Beth. He warned her that this isn't going to be easy for her.
Artie said he was thinking about what to say in his toast at the wedding. He said that Howard and Beth have a lot of fun together and they've been doing that for a long time now. Howard asked him what he's going to do if that all goes away. Artie said they're in love and he can't imagine it going away.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he would prefer to have Beth really thin and less sex or a little less thin and more sex. Howard said that Beth always looks good. He ended up talking about his own ass again and brought up how bad it looks. Artie asked Howard how he looks at himself so much. Artie said he hasn't seen his own ass in years.
Howard said he shaved himself down yesterday to get rid of some grey hairs he found on his chest. He said that he shaved down his bush and his chest hair. He said he saw his whole undercarriage when he was shaving down his balls. Howard told Robin how he had his leg up on the thing and he was shaving his balls with the electric shaver. He shaved down his bush and shaved off the grey hair. He said grey hair really makes him sick. He said he's lucky he doesn't have many on his head.
Artie said that Howard admits he would get fat if he didn't work out. Artie said that he could be thin too if he worked out. He asked Howard what he wants to look like. Howard said he wouldn't mind having a body like Matthew McConaughey.
Artie said that he likes to do it in the missionary position and likes to have a chick's ankles at her ears. Howard said that he puts Beth on her side and he's on his knees banging her hard. Howard said he wishes he could do it to Robin to just demonstrate it. Howard said that Beth is looking away on her side and he's up on his knees. Fred didn't quite get it so Howard told him he was going to put him on the floor and demonstrate it in his ass.
Howard said he wishes he could do that to Robin. He asked her if she has ever done that. Robin said that she has done it on her side but she's never had a guy on his knees.
Howard said that Robin is really losing weight and looking good. He said that she wasn't that thin on the TV shows she was going on. Howard asked her if she has lost 15 pounds in the past month. Robin said it's about 10 and it's from working out.
Artie said that Robin's swim wear is really nice. Howard said that he was checking out her ass when she came in this morning and she looked really good in her jeans. He said she looked good in her dress the other day too. Gary said that dress looked like something she would wear at night and Benjy thought she may have been out all night.
Howard asked Eric if he would mind if they made a doll of him. Eric said that's not going to happen. Howard said he doesn't really have a choice in that. Howard said he thinks it's a good idea. Fred said they could change out all of the hats that Eric wears for everyone who fucks it. Howard said that they could get a wheelchair for the doll and stuff like that.
Eric said that if they do it he's going to face some legal problems. Howard said he would go to court over that. Howard said that he'll go to court. He said that he'd love to go to court and tell a judge what was going on.
Howard said that they're not really fucking Eric, it would just be a doll. Eric said he's not going to allow them to do it. Gary asked Howard to please make it since Eric is so against it. Gary said there are three of them who want to fuck it now. He said that he, Sal and Richard all want to pull a train on the doll.
Howard said that he's going to fly the doll around with balloons so it'll be like Eric is flying with balloons.
Richard came in and said that he can't wait to take the claw hand and wrap it around his cock. He said that will be great foreplay. Howard said he'd love to have Eric sitting there everyday. Robin added ''...not talking.''
Howard read the note he got from Jimmy Kimmel who was asking him to please have them make an Eric the Midget doll. Richard said they could use the left over stuff from the Ronnie doll to make the Eric doll. Howard said that Eric has to be kind of curious about what the doll would look like. Eric said that he's not interested in that at all. Robin said that it's an honor to have that.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that this is fair satire and they can't be sued over making just one doll.
Howard asked Eric if he would send him his hair color so they could get it right. Eric said he's not sending them anything. Richard said they have his penis size already so they know how big that should be. Richard said he's going to fuck the doll in the ass and not blow it so that's not gay. Richard said he's going to be the man in the relationship and fuck it.
Dominic said they could have a dog fuck the doll and it still wouldn't be illegal. Fred asked him if they could have a real dog with an Eric mask on it and fuck that. Dominic said that would be satire so that's legal. They got a laugh out of that.
A caller said that the whole Real Doll concept is hilarious. He said that he wanted to know if the fans can come in and fuck the doll. Howard said ''sure.'' Richard said they should have a big event at Giants Stadium and let the fans all come in and fuck him.
A caller said that they could cover it with a sheet and just let everyone fuck it while hidden in the sheet like they were going to do with Scott the Engineer.
Howard told Eric that if he's lucky he might make the doll into him. Eric told him ''Don't even do it!'' Artie said that he's the one out of the millions of fans that they're going to make a doll out of.
Howard asked what Eric objects to. He thinks that he's overreacting. Eric said he's not overreacting. He said that it's stupid and not something that he ever wants to see done. Richard told him he doesn't have to watch it.
Fred said they could have Nick Manning come in and fuck the doll and drop his loads on it. Howard took some more calls and let the fans give their thoughts on it. More callers wanted them to make the doll the Eric the Midget Doll.
Howard asked Robin if she would do anything with the doll. She said she would pose holding the penis but not do anything sexual with it. Howard asked Eric if he would like it if Robin did something to it. Eric didn't want the doll made at all and told Robin to ''shut up you cackling bitch.''
Howard asked Eric if he wanted him to open the package he sent with Artie. Eric said ''yes please'' to that. Howard asked Artie where he found the package. Artie said that it was under all of his pizza and shit at his apartment.
Gary said that everyone in there got an autographed picture of Eric. He personalized them all. Robin thought that was cute. Howard asked Eric if he came up with the stuff on the pictures or did he have some help. Eric said that he came up with it.
Howard said that the picture was a handsome picture of him. He said that they need that picture to make the Real Doll. Eric thanked Howard for the 6 years of being on the show. Howard read the notes he wrote on there and Eric included the date he first called in which was 9/19/02.
Artie said that Eric was actually thanking Howard for something. Howard read through the other autographs to Fred, Robin and Artie. Howard asked Eric if they doctored the picture at all because there were no blotches on his head. Eric said that it was cleaned up and they fixed the microphone so it didn't say SIRIUS. He changed it to JFSC.tv.
Eric said that he's sold between 200 and 300 pictures so far. Howard said that Eric looks very handsome and he had a feeling that it was doctored. Eric said that they did fix it up a little bit. Howard said his hair is recently dyed in the picture.
Gary said that Eric sent Howard a book called ''Jewish Chessmasters on Stamps.'' Howard wondered what that was about. Eric wrote him a note in that as well. Howard said that Beth should enjoy that and thanked him for thinking of both of them for their wedding gift.
Howard told Eric that he really thinks that this Real Doll would be an honor to have. Eric said that he doesn't see it that way at all. Howard said that he might get some more business out of it if he's in the studio as a doll every day.
Howard thanked Eric for the gifts and let him go a short time later. Eric actually said ''thank you'' as he was getting off the phone. Howard said that he's going to think about this Real Doll thing and possibly make it Eric the Midget.
The caller asked Howard if he had ever heard Bubba talk about this two finger something Jones. Howard said he had never heard about that. The caller told him he should try it because it can make a chick squirt. Howard said he has no desire to make a chick squirt. Artie said he never got into that squirting thing either. Howard said that he doesn't need anything squirting out of a chick.
The caller asked Howard if he's going to watch Survivor tonight. Howard said he's not watching that even though Jeff Probst is a friend of the show. He said he's also done with Dancing with the Stars now. He said that the people going on that show are at the end of their ropes in their careers.
Howard said that a couple of friends are taking him out to dinner tonight for a bachelor party. He said that he doesn't need a bachelor party at 54 years old. He said he's not even sure who is invited. Ross Zapin is throwing the party for him even though he doesn't want it. He said he likes having dinner with his friends but he thinks it's all about going to a strip club.
Howard said he's going to feel compelled to go to the club because everyone is going to pressure him to go. Howard said he doesn't want to be the douche bag who doesn't go. Gary said there are about 12-15 people going.
Artie said that he's kind of tired of the whole strip club thing. Howard asked him if he's on heroin again or something. Artie said that he's not. Howard he didn't want to get crazy there and say that the strip club isn't something he wants to go to.
Artie said that strip clubs are boring but then said he was just saying that to make Howard feel better. Howard said he likes strip clubs. Howard asked if they wanted to go down to the Marshall Chess Club and play chess. Gary said that Fred would like to do that. Howard said that maybe they should just go to a club instead of a strip club. Gary said that he's married so he can't go to a club because you only go there to pick up women.
Howard said that the guys were asking him if he wanted them to invite people like Mel Karmazin to the party. Howard said that Mel won't go to something like that. He's the head of a huge company and isn't interested in doing anything like that.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked if they forgot to invite him to the party. He said that he helped save Fred when he fell and fell on his face. Gary said that he has no recollection of Dominic being there. Dominic said that he was there. Howard said he remembers Dominic being at the bachelor party. Fred said he would ask his wife, she would know.
Howard told Dominic that he was invited to the wedding and he had nothing to do with this bachelor party. Dominic said he gave his life to the show. Howard said that no one wants to party with him. Dominic said that he was very hurt by this. Howard told him that this is not the wedding. Dominic told him he's very hurt that he wasn't invited. Howard said he's not going himself then.
Gary went through the list of the guys who were invited. He said he wanted to leave some names out because Dominic might get more upset. He said that Tom Chiusano was invited. Gary said that it was like the group of guys that they play poker with. Sal is not invited.
Howard said he was looking at Chris Rock's face as Sal was telling his story about the Beastie Boys' concert. He said that Chris looked dumbfounded when he brought that up. Howard said he believes that Sal is so dumb that he doesn't get that something like that would piss someone off. Sal said that he understands it and he made it perfectly clear that he understands what was going on and that it was okay to say it to him. He said it was 17 years ago.
Howard said that Chris has probably been called that name all his life and he doesn't like it. Sal tried to explain the ''fuckin' Jew Friend'' comment too. Howard said that Sal is so consumed with race. Sal said he's not consumed with it. He said that it's ridiculous to say that.
Gary asked Sal why he has to throw in the Jew comment and not just say his wife's friend. Sal said that but Gary said that it must be killing him not to say ''Jew.''
Gary wondered if Sal's kids are going to grow up saying all of that stuff too. Sal said that he doesn't say that stuff in front of his kids. Gary said that he must talk that way in front of his kids. Sal said he doesn't do that in front of his kids. Gary said that he must because he doesn't think that it's wrong.
Gary said that Sal still doesn't think that it's wrong and he has excuses for it over and over again. Sal said there was nothing wrong with it but he kept explaining why it was okay to say it that one time to Chris Rock at the concert.
Howard told Sal that he should tell his wife to say who she is when she goes up to people and speaks to them. Sal said that she told him that she didn't know if it was Beth or not. He said she thought that Beth knew who she was based on the conversation they had.
Howard said he thinks they should invite Sal's wife to the wedding alone since Sal isn't coming. Sal said that's fine and he'll have a great time without her.
Artie said that in the picture of Sal and Chris, Sal looks like such a pain in the ass. He was making the horns over his head. Howard told the guys to put that picture up on his web site.
Howard said he thinks that McCain is using this opportunity to get himself up in the polls. He's telling people to look at him to show that the country comes first. Howard said he thinks that he should still do the debates and show that he can do more than one thing at a time.
Howard said that this was a turn off to him and so was McCain's choice of Sarah Palin. Robin said she thinks that McCain just doesn't want to look like the old man standing next to Barack Obama. Howard said that this whole bail out thing is something that was caused by very greedy people who bought houses that they couldn't really afford.
Howard said that they're talking about a complete financial collapse of this country and he predicted that when Bush was elected. Howard said that the country is in a financial collapse and McCain is just pulling a stunt and trying to look good pulling out of this debate. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. He let the Jethro Tull song play a little longer as she was coming in. Howard said he thinks that Lisa is off the hook on the Real Doll thing. He said that the fans sent in pictures of her head pasted on a Real Doll body. Howard said she looked amazing in the pictures. Lisa even gave it a ''Wow!'' when she saw it.
Howard asked Lisa if she would consider breast implants after seeing that. Lisa said yes to that. Howard said that he would go out with her if she looked like that. Artie said that the doll had some nice tits. Howard said they look bigger than they did on the old Real Doll they had.
Howard said he was going through the pictures yesterday and thought that Lisa looks really hot. He said that the doll is going to take months to make probably and he thinks that they may have to do one as Eric. He said that he'd love to go to court over that whole thing. He said that would actually be fun unlike some of the other cases he's had to go in for.
Lisa got to her news preview and said they have some stuff about Benjy Bronk. She said that he was reprimanded for being late to work about 8 months ago and he's back to doing the same thing he was doing back then. Howard said he heard that he's running into work again and he was asked to stop doing that. Howard asked Benjy if he can get up 5 minutes earlier and get there on time.
Benjy said that he's not running, sometimes he walks fast. Lisa said that she was there when Ronnie asked him to stop running. She said that they have more and she said she spoke to a time management person who suggested that Benjy go to therapy to get some help. Howard thinks that there's some kind of shtick going on there and he can't pull it together.
Lisa said that she spoke to Jack the intern who is responsible for cleaning up after Benjy. He told her that he thinks that Benjy could throw some of that paper in the garbage and he's the messiest one there. Benjy said that it's a system they started there. Benjy said that he'd make more noise doing it that way then the way he does it now. Howard said that he misses the garbage sometimes but he cleans up after himself. Benjy said he used to clean up after himself too but picking up paper isn't that big of a deal.
Howard told Benjy that it wouldn't hurt to clean up after himself. Benjy said that he's busy writing through the whole show. Howard said he does the same thing but he's able to clean up. Benjy said that he needs a flat garbage can. Benjy said that this was fuckin' ridiculous. He said that Howard has people pick up after him just like he does.
Howard asked Gary if he picks up after him. Gary said that he doesn't pick up much of anything on the floor. He said that the one thing that is kind of gross is picking up his chewed up toothpicks. Gary said he's seen Howard picking up after himself before he leaves though. Howard said that he respects people there and that's why he cleans up.
Benjy asked Robin if she's going to stop putting the newspapers on the floor. She said she stopped doing that because the interns complained about it. Howard asked Benjy why he has to fight everything. Benjy said it's bullshit. Howard said that Fred writes on paper all day too. Benjy said that Fred used to throw banana peals in the floor. Fred said that's not him because he doesn't eat bananas and he hasn't for about 5 years.
High Pitch Eric asked if he could come in and clean up after him so he will shut the fuck up and stop yelling at Howard.
Howard said that Jackie wasn't a slob like that but Fred said he actually was. Benjy said that he thought that was the system there and that's why he does it the way he does.
Ralph told Benjy that he sounds like an asshole. He said that he can't compare himself to Howard and Robin. Benjy told him he can't remember what happened and he can't take a lie detector test about it. He was referring to Ralph backing out of the lie detector test for his alleged theft.
Lisa got back to her news report and said that Jason and Will have a story from Artie's house party. They said that Artie's mom lectured Jared to not bring fans back to the party without asking her first. Artie said he wishes he had tape of that. He said she can really yell.
Artie said his mother was upset about all of the neighbors coming into the party without being invited. He said the had to ask the guys not to bring the chicks in there because of that.
Lisa wished Howard a good time at his bachelor party. Artie figured she really wanted to be there. Howard said he'd love to hear Lisa play violin. He said that she does perform in public but she won't do it in there. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he signed up on that web site where they stop you from getting sales calls. He said that Scott the Engineer didn't do that and he got a strange call. He played the call where this guy is pitching some Jesus nonsense and gave out a phone number for people to call. Howard said that he can't imagine getting a call like that at his house.
Howard read some e-mail feedback about Fred's French President impression that he was doing during the news yesterday. Howard said they also got some mail about Lisa G's violin playing.
Howard said that he knew that Dee Snider's brother-in-law had been killed years ago and today in the appear they said that they may have found the alleged killer. Howard read through that article and said that it may have been this gym owner on Long Island. Howard said he didn't even understand the story because his reading comprehension is so bad. Howard said he didn't want to get into it much more than that.
Howard read an article about OJ Simpson's trial and how he almost got into a fight with someone. Then he took a call from Tom Riccio who is a witness in the case. Tom said he heard them talking about him the other day about the money they got from the sponsors on his show. Tom said that it turns out that some other guy may have been setting OJ up. Howard said that he doesn't really care about any of that stuff. He said he just wants OJ to go to jail. Howard said he knows that Tom has been calling in but he really doesn't care about this trial. He said it's not fun.
Tom said that he has a book out that he promoted on the show last year. Howard cut him off and told him he really doesn't care about the trial. He said he gets bored with the details. Tom said his book isn't only about the trial. He said that he'd like to pay Fred to read the book and review it. He cut Tom off again and said he doesn't care about the trial once again. Howard said that they'll find out what it will cost him to have Fred read the book. Fred said it would be ''One million dollars'' in his best Dr. Evil voice.
Howard said that Letterman actually saw McCain getting into make up to do the Katie Couric interview. He played a clip of Dave talking about that and showing some live video of McCain doing the interview with Katie. Dave sounded a little upset about that.
Howard played some of Dave's opening monolog where he talked about McCain canceling his appearance. Dave picked him apart and also goofed on Palin a little bit. Then Howard played some of Dave showing the Couric interview as it was airing live. Dave was asking McCain if he needed a ride to the airport.
Howard said that he knows how that feels to get screwed like that. He said that he doesn't really rely on guests the way Letterman does. Howard said they could do a show just sitting there jerking off. Howard said that if someone screws Dave then they have to scramble to find someone else to fill in. Howard said he used to get those calls to go in and do that but he never does.
Howard said he was asked to do Dave's 15th anniversary show and he didn't do that. He said he really didn't care about the 15th anniversary. He said he will do the show but only when he needs to go on. Artie said that he has done Conan's show on 2 hour notice. He said he feels he has to do that though.
Howard said that he flew in and did a show on a few hours notice years ago but he doesn't need to do that at this point in his career.
Howard said that his first appearance on Letterman was back in 1983 or so and not too many people from back then are still around and relevant. He said that there's no reason to go on there if he's not in the right mood. He doesn't need to bore people with a shitty appearance.
Howard said that McCain skipping that show and canceling the debates is just wrong. He said that he's not looking good right now. He said the debates are very important and they cost millions to set them up. JD said that they're now saying that he Vice Presidential debates may be canceled and not the presidential. Howard said that makes sense because they're hiding Palin again since she can't answer any questions.
The caller asked to have a Fred segment since they hadn't had one in a long time. Howard said he can make that happen and played the Fred theme song. Howard then told Fred that the song took up all of his time.
Fred said that he had a movie suggestion and said that Pans labyrinth is really good. He said that he saw the movie and it was great. He said that it's on HBO On Demand. He said that it has subtitles but it's worth watching. Robin said she liked it when she saw it in the theaters. Howard thanked Fred for that and played him out with his theme song.
Howard said he thought that poopie comment was kind of funny. Howard said that when he was running for governor, that's the type of people he was dealing with. He said that people like that don't care about anything but simple things. He said that he wanted to get rid of the tolls going out to Long Island so people wouldn't be held up. He said that he could have gotten rid of the Jones Beach Toll if he had gotten elected.
Howard said that was back in 1994 that he was going to run. Artie said that he wanted to vote for him but his mother told him he couldn't because he lives in New Jersey.
Howard said that a teacher was busted for showing porn in class. Howard said that the story was pretty funny. He read the story about this photography teacher who ended up showing some porn to his class. Howard said that they shouldn't even teach that class in school. The article said that the guy inadvertently showed the pictures to 13 students. He had connected to his personal computer and watched some porn not remembering that his projector was hooked up.
Howard said he'd like to see the kid who turned that teacher in. He said that he would have loved to have had a teacher like that. Robin said that it probably wasn't all boys in the class. Howard said that the kids were saying that they were trying to get the teacher's attention and he was so into it that he didn't hear them.
Howard said he had a story about an NFL player who posted pictures of his genitals on his web site. Howard read through that story and he claims he accidentally showed his penis in the picture when he was studying his team's plays nude. None of the guys believed that was true. Howard said that he wondered what the source was on that story because he worries that it's not legit. He found out it was an AP story.
Howard mentioned the ''I Want To Be Howard Stern'' contest they have going on there. He said that you can find out more at SIRIUS.com.
Artie asked if the people who enter could bring in their own Robin, Fred and Artie. Howard said of course they can. He told Artie he could probably get a show of his own if he tried out for it.
Artie said that he did cry in therapy several times. Howard said that's supposed to be good. Robin said that's a break through. Artie said that the guy is across the room when he's talking to him so he's not getting a hug from the guy or anything when he does cry.
Artie said that he thinks he's given up on his sobriety because he can't see anything getting better in his life. Howard told him he has to lose some weight and that will help. Artie said that might help. Robin said that she's happier now that she's thin.
Howard told Artie that he has to get a hobby like chess. He told him he should get into chess just like him but Robin said that might not be his type of thing.
Artie said that he's not even into the Yankees. He said that he hasn't been into them for the past couple of years. He said he's still into pussy. Howard said that's a relief and he's glad he's still into that.
Fred asked Artie if his therapist told him not to get into a relationship while all of this is going on. Artie said that is what he was told.
Artie said that he works a lot on the weekends and it's a lot of hassle. He said that he gets paid extraordinary money to do it through. He said he doesn't enjoy the travel but he loves being on stage. He said that the hour and 20 minutes on stage is good but the rest of the weekend is work for him.
Artie said that he used to be into the NFL and stuff but he's not even into that now. He said that comedy used to be related to drinking and gambling but that is kind of done now. He said that it's hard to do some stuff sober.
Howard asked Artie what he does when he goes on these trips to do gigs in other states. Artie said that he had a show on a Friday night last weekend. He flies in the Thursday before and gets up on Friday morning and that's when he has the problem. He said that he rented a car in San Francisco and drove around and walked. He said that he went to see a movie out there and drove over the Golden Gate Bridge and stuff like that. Artie said that he had some friends out there that he got together with. He said that weekend was fantastic but not every weekend is like that.
Artie said that he gets bored easy. He said that if he's in the right city he won't but most of the cities he goes to he just locks himself in the hotel room.
Howard said that he can get caught up in his Franklin Covey organizer and just go through that to kill some time. He said that he can read books and stuff like that too. Artie said that he has been reading and writing some new material and stuff. Artie said that he does need a new hobby.
Howard said that he would bring a computer with him and play chess all afternoon. He said that he would read the paper, eat breakfast, run and stuff like that. Howard told Artie he has the answer for him. He told him he should run, hit the gym and he'd kill the morning just doing that. Howard said that after lunch he'll have to take a nap for at least an hour. Then he can wake up and study some chess. He said that he could kill hours doing that and then do the comedy show, come back to the hotel room, watch some TV and go to bed.
Artie said that he can't be about partying anymore on the road. Howard told him he really has to find some hobbies to keep him busy. Fred said that Artie needs someone like Jared Fox to go with him on the road. He said that he's the kind of guy who is happy go lucky and will just have fun with him. Howard said that Artie is just into the wrong things.
Artie said that he keeps himself up thinking about stuff and that's what makes him want to do heroin. Artie said that he's never happy with anything and even this job he loves more than anything. He said that he can't believe that he has to be there for another 2 years. Howard said that he has to stop thinking about that stuff and go out and join a gym.
Artie said that he belongs to 3 gyms. Robin wanted him to join her gym. Artie said that he's serious, he does belong to 3 gyms. Howard said that Norm MacDonald was there so he had to get to him after the break.
Dominic Barbara called in and tried to give Artie some advice. He said that he thinks that Artie is hilarious when he's up on stage because he's like ''everyman.'' Howard told Dominic he doesn't know what he's talking about and went off on him. Dominic was making it sound like he didn't think Howard was funny so Howard went off on him about that. Dominic said that Howard's humor is different than Artie's is. Howard ended up hanging up on him and goofed on what he was just trying to say.
Howard said that Dominic was saying that Artie's audience at his shows is different than the audience that Howard has. Artie said that's ridiculous because they're all the same people. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Norm came in wearing a jacket and Norm was saying that Howard had actually given it to him back at K-Rock. Norm said it was a Lugz jacket that he gave him years ago. Norm said that he couldn't see Artie over there.
Howard asked Norm where he has been because he's had so many conversations with people who wondered what happened to him. Norm kept saying ''yeah... yeah...'' over and over. Howard said it was almost like he went off and became an actuary or something. Norm said that he couldn't be more wrong.
Howard asked Norm what happened to him. Norm said that he just dropped the actuary thing like he hadn't even brought it up. Howard asked Norm not to bring up that word again.
Howard asked Norm if he backed off his career or something. Norm said that he's just doing what he's always done. He said that he's doing his stand-up. Howard asked him why he's not on letterman and shows like that. Norm said he would but he's never in New York.
Howard said that Gary and Norm had a conversation back in the green room about Saturday Night Live. Howard said that Norm told Gary he's still friendly with the people he worked with but he doesn't ever call any of them.
Norm said that people like Adam Sandler don't want to be bothered so he doesn't bother him. He said that he doesn't want him thinking that he wants something from him. Howard said that Norm must be aware of other people's feelings. Norm laughed and snotted on himself because he knew that Howard was going to goof on him after he said that.
Norm said he just doesn't want to do anything to screw up his friendship with Adam. He said that he actually doesn't give a fuck if he's ever in another movie again though. Norm said that he loved doing ''Dirty Work'' and thought that it was a great movie. Howard said he never saw it.
Howard asked Norm why he didn't do another movie after that. Norm was more worried about the snot in his nose and asked if he had anything there. Howard told him he was fine.
Howard asked Norm if he's nervous that Chris Rock might be at his show on Saturday night. Norm said he doesn't mind that at all and it doesn't matter to him if someone like that is in the audience. He said that he doesn't even care if he bombs. Norm said he really doesn't give a fuck about that.
Artie said that Norm thinks it's funny when he bombs and doesn't really care when he does. Norm said that he doesn't like bombing but he doesn't get upset about it. He said he finds it kind of funny. He said that you go out and try to make people laugh and they end up hating your guts when you bomb and he finds that funny. Norm said that it can be like telling a joke to your dad and he ends up kicking you.
Howard asked Norm if he has new stuff in his act or if it's old stuff. Norm said that he has about 8 hours of material. He doesn't write it all down though.
Howard asked Norm who he's supporting in the Presidential election. Norm said that he's finding it hard to support McCain with Palin as his running mate. He said that if he had to vote tomorrow, and he had an American Citizenship, he would vote for Obama. He said he really doesn't like any of them but he'd vote for him.
Howard asked Norm if he's a people person. Norm said that he's a recluse. Artie said that Norm is almost agoraphobic.
Norm said that his son is 15 years old and he still likes to play with him. He said that when he was about 3 or 4 he would let him win at basketball and stuff. Now his son beats him at everything and he doesn't believe that he used to let him win when he was 3. Norm said the kid is tall and he's playing basketball.
Howard asked Norm if he goes to therapy at all. Norm said that he doesn't. He said that he doesn't do that shit. Norm said that he went to a psychiatrist when he was like 17 though. Norm said he talked to the guy twice and the next week the guy committed suicide. He said that the guy had the worst life ever when he read about him killing himself. Norm said he felt so bad about going to him and complaining after he read that he had killed himself.
Howard asked Norm what happened to him in his childhood that led to him going to therapy. Norm said it all happened up in Canada. He didn't seem to want to talk about it. Howard told Robin that she knows that ''What happens in Canada stays in Canada.'' That led to Norm telling a joke about ''What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'' that he does in his act. Howard said that Norm was basically saying that he thinks they should say ''You can fuck a whore in Vegas and your wife won't find out.''
Howard said that he's in therapy 4 days a week. Norm asked him why he's asking him about that then. Howard said he wanted to find out more about why he didn't keep going. Norm said that he only went to therapy once, Howard is going 4 times a week, and he's the one that's fucked up? He told Howard to give his head a shake. Norm said he was thinking of using ''Hey, give your head a shake'' as his tag line as a comedian.
Howard said that Chevy Chase was in there and said that he really misses Norm on Saturday Night Live. Artie told Norm that Chevy didn't recognize him even though they worked on Dirty Work together.
Norm talked about how he was friendly with Chevy back when Howard was fighting with him and he told him to just call Howard and be friendly with him and the fight would end. Howard said that they are actually good friends now.
Howard said that he heard Norm had banged Savanna Samson. Norm said he's never even heard of her. Howard said that he would love to have done that.
Howard asked Norm about what he was saying on Adam Carolla's show about Artie. Norm said that he didn't want to bring Artie up, it was Adam who brought him up. Howard said that Norm was basically accusing him of killing Hank the Dwarf and putting Artie in a bad place. Norm said he's sorry about that and he didn't mean the Hank the Dwarf thing.
Norm said that the Artie thing is different though. Howard asked Norm what he should be doing differently. Norm said he's not Dr. Drew so he's not sure what to tell him to do. Artie told the guys that he was sitting right there. Howard told him to pretend he wasn't there.
Howard played Norm the audio from Adam's show where they were talking about Artie. In the clip Norm basically says that he doesn't like what Howard is doing to Artie on the show.
After playing the clip Howard asked Norm what he was saying there. Howard said that he would do anything to help Artie stop the negative behavior but he doesn't want the help. He said he's not encouraging the behavior. Norm said that he said ''the Stern Show'' and not just Howard. Norm said that the show is very real and Artie is about as honest as you're going to find and it makes the show hugely entertaining. Howard said that he is into honesty but he doesn't encourage Artie to do that stuff he does.
Norm said that when Artie threw the thing at Teddy, he didn't play it again for the rest of the day. He asked why that was. Howard said that Artie was in a state that he didn't know and he felt that if he replayed it, Artie could put a bullet in his own head or something like that. Norm said that they went and put it on Howard TV and promoted the hell out of it.
Howard said that he and Artie talked about some stuff off the air and he felt that they could go on and let the audience see all of that. Artie said that Teddy has apologized for forcing him to do that too.
Howard said he loves Artie. Artie may not love him back but he still loves Artie. Robin said that she thinks that Norm has disavowed everything he said on Adam's show. Norm said he wasn't doing that.
Artie said that Howard isn't asking him to do that stuff but he feels that it may feed itself and he may feel compelled to do that stuff.
Robin pointed out that Norm was the one who brought Artie on the show when he didn't want to talk about Elle McPherson. He pushed him to talk about his coke use in the past. Norm said that was in the past though.
Norm said that he thought Artie was dead when he heard he wasn't coming out to do the Bob Saget roast. He said he thought they were just telling him Artie was sick so they could keep the roast going.
Norm said that he and Saget talked a lot about Artie and he never expected Adam to bring it up on his show. He said he shouldn't have talked about that stuff that day.
Howard gave Norm some plugs for his Caroline's gig and Norm didn't seem so happy about it. Howard asked him if he was upset about doing it. Norm said that he took the red eye last night and just got in this morning. He said that he took a sleeping pill and didn't fall asleep. Howard asked him if he's messed up from not sleeping. Norm said that he didn't get any sleep and he's got to hit the stage at Caroline's in 14 hours after doing a bunch more shows there at SIRIUS.
Norm said that he has to do Maxim Radio and a couple of other shows like Breuer Unleashed and Jim doesn't even do the show from the studio anymore.
Norm talked about doing Byron Allen's show one time and he had to follow Robert Schimmel. He said that Byron talked to Schimmel about his cancer and then asked him about his dog. He said that he had another guest that he asked about getting older.
Artie said that he remembers an interview that Carmen Electra did one time where she was asked what she can't live without. She said ''food.''
Howard gave Norm some more plugs for his Caroline's shows. He asked him if he's going to do the thing that Dave Chappelle does where he stands on stage for like 8 hours. Norm said that they have contests going on now to see who can stay up there the longest.
Howard took some phone calls and Ralph was the first one. Ralph said that Norm is a great stand-up and people should go to see him. Ralph said that Norm isn't being honest about some of the stuff he's said about Howard being responsible for Artie's behavior. Ralph said that Artie falls asleep on the show and no other show would allow that.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked Norm what he thinks of Artie giving money back to people who saw Dirty Work. Norm said that's funny. He's amused by that. Artie said the movie is fun to make fun of. Norm said that the script was really dirty and the movie studio people told them that it was going to be PG. Norm said that they gave the script to the MPAA and they didn't even put any notes on it because it was so obviously an R-rated movie. Norm said they had to cut a lot of stuff out of it and turn it into a PG-13 movie.
Ralph called in again and said that Norm put his hand on his leg one night when they were out to dinner. He said that his hand was just there and about 5 minutes later he said ''Hey Ralph is a fag, he let me put my hand on his leg for 5 minutes.'' Howard told Ralph he really is gay. Norm said he dos that to test guys out and that worked with Ralph. Fred was laughing hysterically when he heard that story.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that this interview was hilarious and he was laughing his ass off. Howard told him to go see him at Caroline's then.
Howard asked Norm if he misses the old TV show. He said that he misses the people and he knows that sounds faggy. He said that he misses Laurie Metcalf, Artie and Max Wright.
Howard asked Norm what he does to kill time when he's on the road. Norm said that other than that one hour you're on stage you're like a drifter. He said that he'll ask people what there is to do in their shit town when he books a gig.
Artie said that he asked a guy what where was to do in Houston. He said the guy told him that they had a place in town that was just like Greenwich Village but without fags.
Howard asked Norm about what he does to kill time because Artie seems to like doing drugs to kill time. Norm said that he used to gamble a lot. He talked about that and how he was told he was doing that to avoid life. Norm thought that's why you do everything.
Howard asked Norm if he's ever tried to figure out how much he lost. Norm said that he never has. Artie told a story about how bad of an influence he was on Norm. He said that they were working on Dirty Work and became friends. He said that they were both gamblers. He said that the first night he met Norm they went to a pool hall and won 2 grand. He said that they brought him a wheel barrow full of blue money with a goose on it. He said that they shot the movie in August into the fall and Norm was still on SNL. Artie said something that Howard had to hit the delay on. Norm was saying the Bookie's name so Howard cut it out.
Artie said that Norm was really into work toward the end of the shoot. He said Norm asked him for the bookie's number and they were introduced to this thing called a lightning bet. He said that if you do that you get $1000 for every point a basketball team would score. He said that every point under the line would cost you $1100 because of the vig. Artie said it was the most exciting bet he's ever done. Artie said that Norm won a couple hundred thousand a couple of weeks in a row. They were betting on the 98 NBA finals. Norm said that he couldn't lose.
Artie said that he was even at one point but then he lost 3 weeks in a row. Norm paid the guy off in paper bags full of money. Artie said that Norm was an honorable guy and he'd pay off every week. Norm ended up lightning the over on the final game. Artie said that he lost like 9 grand on the game and Norm won like $110,000. He said that Norm came into New York to get his money and Artie said he would get it for him. He called the guy and the guy told him he couldn't find the bookie. The bookie had taken off.
Artie said that he had just known Norm for a short time and he figured that he was going to get fired or something. Artie said that they never got paid so he gave Norm the 9 grand he lost. Artie said that they were going through this other guy at the time and they think that he was actually the Bookie and he was just jerking them around.
Howard talked to Norm about Bernie Mac. Norm said he really liked Bernie but he didn't go to his funeral. He said that he was really sad about his death. Norm said that Bernie once told him not to tell his wife about his winnings when he won something big in Craps. He said that Bernie told him exactly what to do to keep it from his wife.
Sam Simon called in and said that Norm moved into a new building. He said that there are casinos out there in L.A. now but they're private. Sam said that he was invited to one of these places and Norm had given him the address for his new place. It turns out that it was right next door to Norm's building that he went to play in this private casino. Norm said that it's pretty bad. He said that they're his next door neighbors.
Howard asked Norm if he has any investments and if he's afraid to lose all of his money. Norm said that he doesn't have any investments. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
Howard moved Mike along to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said that Riley Martin is in negotiations for his show there again and demanding a meeting with CEO Mel Karmazin. That led to Howard playing a Riley song parody.
Steve said that charges have been dropped against Rev. Bob Levy by his ex-wife. He wrapped up after that but Eric the Midget was on the line so Howard kept him around.
Eric asked Steve why he made him look so negative in his report about him. Steve said he thought it was a nice story and he'd have to look at it again. Eric didn't have much to add after that so Howard let him go.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list of subjects that they were going to try and cover today.
The guys ended up talking to Jon about not getting lap dances and stuff like that. Jon said that's just not his thing. He said he has no desire to do that stuff. He did go to Jason and Will's bachelor party but he didn't get a lap dance.
Howard had Mutt on the phone to promote Superfan Roundtable. He said they'll be talking about the Real Doll, the Wack Pack, Howard's bachelor party, blogging and a lot of stuff like that. Catch that at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard ended up goofing on Gange about his blog for a few minutes. Howard said he's fine with his web site. Artie said that he's never even seen his own web site.
Robin read a story about The Daily Show having just barely 2 million viewers every night. Howard said that they have like 8-9 million people listening to his show every day. Robin said they're crowing about that. Howard said if he had less than 2 million they'd throw him right out of there. Howard said that they should have him on the cover of every magazine because he has this huge audience on satellite radio.
Robin said that there's a guy flying himself over the English Channel with a rocket strapped to his ass. She said it should have happened already this morning. Fred threw in some fart sounds for the rocket sound effects. Howard said that's what Artie should do to kill time when he's out on the road.
Robin read a story about a kid who put calcium chloride in his teacher's bottled water and almost killed her. Robin also read a story about the Dee Snider story Howard mentioned this morning.
Robin read stories about a naked man who was killed after being tazered, Nicole Kidman claiming she got pregnant after swimming in a waterfall, Alycia Lane, Hugh Hefner's 3 girlfriends stepping out on him and more.
Howard said that they're treating Hefner like he's a kid now. He's on an allowance and they're not going to have anymore parties there. Howard said that he was at a Playboy party one time and one of the girls was terrified that they were going to find out that she wanted to party with him. Now they're all stepping out on Hef. Robin read more about Hef's girls and who they're going out with. Howard said he could never date a girl who pretended to be Hef's girlfriend and wanted to step out with other people.
Robin said that Hebe magazine has put out a swimsuit edition. She read some other stories about Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong coming out of retirement, doctors suggesting that everyone get flu vaccines, the OJ Simpson trial and the President talking about the country's financial crisis.
The guys talked about the President's speech from last night for a short time. Robin had some audio of John McCain explaining why he's calling off the debate on Friday night. She also had Obama saying that he wants the debates to go on.
Robin asked Howard if he has one of those color coded bracelets that people are wearing. Howard said that Tom Chiusano had about 9 of them. Howard doesn't have any. Robin said that she saw a bumper sticker that said ''Save the Tatas'' and had the pink ribbon on it for breast cancer.
Robin said that a TV fell on a 2 year old girl and almost killed her. Robin had some news about Lindsay Lohan's father saying some not-so-nice things about her girlfriend. Lindsay had to release statement about that. Howard said that Lindsay seems to be doing much better now that she's out of the closet. Artie wondered if he could corner her at a party and possibly get her. Howard said he thinks he could get her.
Robin said that Lindsay is appearing in Ugly Betty this season and played some audio of her talking about that. Howard said he thinks that Lindsay is hot. He said she's a home run and if you don't think she's hot then you're gay.
Howard had someone on the phone pretending to be ''Gay Aiken'' but the connection was really bad so he hung up. Robin read some news about Clay Aiken. She had some audio clips of him talking about why he came out of the closet.
Robin had a story about David Blaine's latest stunt and how he ended it last night. Howard said that he doesn't think that anyone cared that he was hanging upside down.
Robin had some audio of Clay Aiken singing to his baby. Howard said that guy isn't going to be playing baseball with his kid out in the yard. That led to Fred playing Mark Harris' song ''I'm a Gay Papa.'' He threw in some oral sex gagging sounds as the song was playing. Howard said he's all for gay parenting. He said that he had Clay's new song and played a song parody ''I Love Cock'' where they took Clay's voice and edited it to sing stuff like ''I Love Cock.''
Robin played some audio of David Letterman goofing on John McCain on his show last night. She also talked about Ted McGinley who was on Dancing with the Stars and got voted off last night. Howard said he loves to see guys who were good looking and aren't good looking anymore. He said that Ted is one of those guys.
Robin had some audio of Richard Gere talking about his new movie. Howard said he's another one that is losing his looks. Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Artie told Norm he had a meeting and he had to get going. Norm started to laugh at him. Norm said that those cans were hot. Hotter than Lonnie Anderson. Gary asked Norm how old he is. Norm said he was 68 but he was just jerking them around.
Artie told Norm he can say the bookie's name on this show because no one listens. The two of them were laughing at something and it wasn't clear what it was.
Gary said that he thought he had heard all of Artie's stories but he read one in his book preview that was a new one to him. Artie said he told that one on the show one time. Artie said that they were post betting and the guy didn't know that they were doing that. Artie said that they were morons because they wouldn't look at the scores until the next morning.
Artie said that his buddy eventually fond out what was going on and the bookie wanted to scream at him. Artie said that he wasn't even doing the betting himself, it was two other guys who did it.
Artie said that his buddy was afraid to go by himself to see the bookie so he went with him. He said that they saw the bookie sitting there and the guy ended up screaming at them. Artie said that as the guy was screaming at them and threatening to kill people, they saw the ash on his forehead because it was Ash Wednesday. They put their heads down and couldn't help but laugh at the guy.
Norm had Artie doing impressions for Gary of some Canadian guy. The two of them told another story about this kid Danny that Norm used to mention after doing his Update on Saturday Night Live. They said he vanished one day and they went to find him down in Atlantic City. Norm said they tracked him down in this tiny hotel called The Continental. He said they asked the owner if they could have a key to get into his room because he wasn't answering the door. Norm said they went to the lounge of the hotel which was called Babes and it was empty because it was like 3 in the morning.
Artie said that they were in the bar and it was just Norm, him and the bartender. The phone rang and the guy looked at them and kept saying ''yeah... yeah... yeah... '' and then turned around and started to whistle like something was going on.
Artie said that they eventually went up to the room and found this guy Danny up there. Then Artie stopped the story and said that it was a really long story and he wasn't sure he wanted to tell the whole thing.
Artie told some stories about working at MAD TV and how he used to just throw out bad puns as ideas for skits and they actually ended up using his ''Ed McMahon Walking'' bit. He said that he wanted to do a Rush Limbaugh bit where he would talk Rush songs but they never let him do it because they didn't think enough people would know who Rush was.
Norm said that he doesn't have SIRIUS so Gary told him that he could set him up. Norm said that would be fantastic.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to find out if they agree that we're witnessing the pussification of Howard Stern. Jon asked how he's becoming a pussy. The guy said that the 180 that Howard pulled when he said he was never going to get married and now he's getting married. The guy said that Howard is doing everything that he said he would never do. Gary asked what else, other than getting married, is he doing. The guy said that Howard is doing a lot of stuff. He said that Howard is lying about the wedding. He said that he's also said that Howard lied about the Friday shows and how he was going to do some. The guy said that Howard lied about the nights on the town and how he's changed his stories on that.
Gary said that Howard has changed since his divorce. Artie said that guys change in 30 years and everyone is going to contradict themselves in 30 years. Norm pointed out that Clay Aiken changed his tune and came out of the closet. Norm said it would be funny if cock was the tastiest thing in the world and no one knew it. That made Artie laugh.
Jon asked Norm if he's noticed a change in Howard over the years. He didn't seem to be paying attention to Jon. Artie and Norm were joking around and telling inside jokes making each other crack up.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked them to do more old references of stuff that he hasn't even heard of. Norm asked the guy if he had ever heard of Abraham Lincoln. The caller was complaining mostly about a reference to the movie ''The Sting'' earlier.
The caller asked Norm how often he gets to see his son. Norm said he gets him 3 days a week and his wife has him 4 days. The caller said that was pretty cool and told him his life story. Norm said that his son keeps him grounded and stuff.
Artie said that Norm's kid came over one time when the kid was like 5 years old. He looked in the refrigerator and saw it was full of black and white cookies and the kid told Norm that it was full of cookies.
Gary asked Norm if he does the voice on that Fairly Odd Parents show. Norm said he did that for his kid but by the time the show came out his kid hated the show.
Norm said that he did the movie Dr. Doolittle and he didn't want to do the sequel so they were going to get a sound alike. Norm didn't want people thinking that was him so he did that one and like 4 others.
Artie said that Richard Pryor stopped by the Norm Show one time and it had to be one of his last TV show appearances. He said that Pryor showed up to do a short bit at the start of the show and he was barely able to say anything. He said that they made it look like Pryor jumped out of his wheelchair and onto Norm and it was the worst cut ever.
Artie said that after Norm did the Dr. Doolittle movie the TV show people wanted him to call Eddie Murphy to get him to do the show. Norm said he didn't want to do it but he got Eddie on the phone. He said Eddie said that he would do the show if it was funny but he never sent him the script.
They had a story about Redd Foxx and a story that Eddie told about him. They spent a couple of minutes on that subject. Artie said that Bob Einstein (Super Dave Osbourne) told them a story about seeing Redd Foxx doing lines of coke with his head up a whore's skirt when he went back to tell him he was going to be on stage soon. Foxx asked him ''Can't a fellow relax!'' when he was told he had to be on stage.
Norm ended up doing an impression of Bob Einstein and told a story about Peter Marshall, Sly Stone and Paul Linde. He had Artie cracking up. Artie told everyone out there who didn't know who those people were to google the names.
Ralph called in and said that Artie told him a story about Norm years ago. He started to tell the story but Artie took over. He said they were out gambling and ended up doing it the whole night until the next morning. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said he was looking at Artie's book last night where he talked about how he was betting more money than he was making at the time.
Jon asked Gary what he thought of Norm's explanation for what he said about Hank the Dwarf. Gary said that Norm isn't all that well thought out so he may have said something he didn't mean at the time.
Jon brought up the Artie discussion they had about him getting bored easily. Gary said that Artie doesn't like being around people he doesn't want to be around like at comedy shows. He's just not an outgoing person that way. He is going to dinner with Howard tonight though.
Jon asked Gary if anyone is looking forward to the party tonight. Gary said that he and Ross are. He's not sure about Howard.
Jon brought up Benjy's paper being thrown on the floor and asked if he was taught to do that. Benjy said that he doesn't know, he didn't think it was that big of a deal. He said he didn't really care but he would discuss it if he wanted.
Benjy said that when he does something it seems like it's worse than when other people do it. He said that it's always like he's the Israel of the show and they pick on him. He said that if he does something good it's like he's got some kind of agenda and if he does something bad it's worse than anyone else.
A caller said that he thinks that Artie has sleep apnea but both Jon and Gary said they've talked about that and didn't want to get into it.
Another caller said that he wanted to go back to the Real Doll conversation. He said that no one mentioned having a Howard Real Doll. They said that it did come up today. Gary said that the other choices are funnier. The caller said that the Eric the Midget idea was a great one. Jon asked Gary if he thinks that it will be Eric. Gary said it looks that way and he can see Captain Sack and Richard's character doing stuff to that doll. He said he thinks that's a riot.
The guys talked about Jimmy Kimmel since he was the one who suggested that they make the Eric the Midget doll. They think that he could get into some trouble with ABC and Disney if he fucked the doll himself.
Ralph called in and asked Benjy why he thinks that it's okay to leave paper work on the floor. Benjy changed subjects and said that he was in the bathroom with Norm and Norm asked him how long he can hold in his pee because they go so long without taking breaks there.
Ralph asked Benjy again about the paper being left on the floor. Benjy said he doesn't think it's a big deal because there are people that clean the studio and it's part of the system. Jon let Ralph go after that and took one more call.
The woman who called in said that the Wrap Up Show was great today and went off on Benjy real quick and then hung up. Benjy said that he doesn't get why this is such a big deal. He said that he's not throwing paper on the floor to insult anyone, it's just part of the system. They had to end the show a short time later.
Today's Best Of The Week was over around 11:30am.