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Howard started off the show talking about how many things he had to talk about today. He said he had been doing it for about 20 minutes before the show even started. He said he and Artie were talking about Ralph and what he was up to over the vacation.
Howard said that his hair is changing and his hair dresser, Toni, thinks that it's hormonal. Howard said he's blessed with hair unlike most guys his age. He said he was with a guy the other night and he was younger than him but he's missing random patches of hair. He said it looks like that guy just came out of an accident. Howard said he's very happy that he has hair because he's seen himself in pictures and he doesn't like the way he looks in them. He has to cover up his face with his hair.
Howard said Beth likes some of the pictures from their wedding but that's because she looks good in them. Howard said he never wants to see most of those pictures again.
Robin said that Kelly Ripa showed a bunch of pictures to Regis on their show and none of them had Howard in them. Howard said that's because he asked Beth not to give anyone pictures that he didn't like.
Howard said he and Beth are going through pictures and blowing some of them up but they only picked about 7 out of the 5000 that were taken. Howard said Beth has been asking to send out some pictures to people and he thinks one looks worse than the next. He said they have another box of pictures they want to put in an album but those he'll be more liberal with.
Howard told Robin that there are about 4 pictures they're going to send out to people. He said he doesn't like the way he looks but Robin cut him off and said it's not the way he looks, he doesn't like the way he photographs. Artie said he's going to be a real friend and say that Howard doesn't like the way he looks.
Howard said his hair is curly and he's always rejected that. He said he never wanted curly hair and he tried to change it to straight. Howard said he finally came to the right conclusion to just let his hair stay curly. Now that he's done that the hair on the back of his hair is turning stick straight.
Howard said Toni curls that hair in the back. He said when he's out on his own walking around, he doesn't curl it himself. He said he's not Beth and he can't walk around looking good all the time. He said she can walk out and look beautiful without even getting made up. He can't do that himself.
Howard said Beth told him to get a perm to get the hair to stay curly. Howard said there is no way he's going to sit in a beauty salon with a bunch of women and make his hair smell like a perm. Howard said there is no way he's going to get up early and curl his own hair either. He said he can't go to the beauty parlor, which is what he calls it since he's old school, and sit there for hours. Howard said he's so busy he just can't do that.
Howard said he has a mole on his back and the dermatologist told him that it's nothing to worry about. He said that the guy told him it was cosmetic and said to leave it there. Howard said he was taking a shower the other day and the water was hitting the mole and it was bothering him. Beth told him what it was and told him to just get it removed.
Howard said the dermatologist, who has seen him naked and knows how small his dick is, told him not to come in anymore back then. Howard said the guy was running off to help people out in Africa. That guy left so he had to find another guy.
Howard said he loves his dentist but he doesn't want to go to see that guy either. He said he's just tired of going to doctors like that. He has too much to do and doesn't have the time. He just wants to stay home and ignore all of this stuff.
Howard said now he's obsessed with his hair. He said he walks around like an idiot with his hair being straight in the back. Howard said Toni gave him some gel to put in his hair and it's not helping. He said it's supposed to help with the curling but that's not working. He said everything is making him nuts.
Robin said that women are doing that kind of thing. Artie said that he was listening to the replay where Howard said that they were all going to enjoy their lives much more than he ever would and he's believing that now. Howard said he really is miserable.
Robin said she got into another cab and talked to the cab driver, who was very cool, and the guy said something to her about making a call. She didn't have her phones. She said the guy told her to call her phone and that's what she did when she got back to the hotel. She had everything back in 45 minutes. Robin said she gave the driver 100 pounds and the guy told her that was too much.
Howard said he was reading about this asshole football player Plaxico Burress. He said he was a great player in the Super Bowl last year but there's this new thing going on where these guys have to carry guns around. He said that Plaxico ended up shooting himself in the thigh. Howard said these guys go around carrying guns in their pants without a holster and that's very dangerous to do. Howard said Plaxico was probably doing that and ended up shooting the gun accidentally. Howard said that's something that would happen on I Love Lucy.
Howard said Plaxico was probably showing off the gun to the guys at the club when he shot himself in the leg. Howard said that he was out partying with Antonio Pierce who actually interned for them one day. Fred said he read that Antonio may have been trying to hide the gun for Plaxico. Howard said that's like the Three Stooges trying to cover up stuff in their movies. Robin was comparing that to the Jayson Williams shooting case where he and some of the Harlem Globetrotters were trying to cover up a shooting.
Howard said Plaxico could hire a guy to do security for him instead of carrying around his own gun. Howard had a guy on the phone who said he grew up with Plaxico. He let that guy say a few words about Plaxico. The caller said he went to high school with him and they lived in a really normal area. He said he didn't grow up in the hood like he claims he did.
Howard said that they shouldn't be running around with guns like that. It's ridiculous. Robin said that you're supposed to take care of your body when you're playing sports. That's their job.
Gary said they have a person there who was at a Wal-Mart at 4:30 in the morning. That was Richard. Richard said he got a Blu-Ray player for $129. Howard asked him if the people there rushed in or walked in normally. Richard said they rushed in.
Richard said there seems to be a lot of overweight people who can't stop running once they get started. Howard said he feels really bad about this guy who got trampled. He said he was just trying to work there and these people were banging on the doors trying to get in. Robin said that it's partially the store's fault for having a limited number of these items for that price.
Howard said they should arrest everyone in the crowd that they caught on the security tape. Richard said there were people there who were there from the night before at 11pm. He said it was just dumb.
Howard said that it's unbelievable how crazy people are. Artie said there's nothing that he'd wait on line for these days. There are people who wait on line out in Vegas for 4 hours for a free buffet. He said that's crazy. Robin said that people have died for xBox's and stuff like that.
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Howard said that Bloomberg isn't being a jerk, he's trying to take care of people. Howard said the buffet is the end of America. Robin said the commercials on TV for fast food restaurants are lies too. Robin said that you see such fat people in real life at those places but not on the commercials.
Howard said that Red Lobster is another place like that. He said that the people in the commercials helping customers are nothing like the real people there. Robin said they do all you can eat stuff at Red Lobster too and they really stuff people with those meals. Artie said Olive Garden is like that too and they show Italian people in the commercials but he's never seen an Italian people at one ever. He said his mother would kill him if he ever went to one of those places.
Howard took a call from a woman who said he shouldn't worry about being photographed because he's so cute. Howard thanked her for that.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that he went to IHOP on Black Friday and the line was around the corner for that place. He said he had a buffet there and ate a ton of pancakes. Howard figured they'd tell him that they can't serve a guy that big. Eric said for $7.99 he had about 12 pancakes with bacon and cheese omelets with sausages. Artie laughed when he heard Eric say sausages with that phlegmy voice of his.
Howard asked Eric how much of each of the things he ate and it sounded like a ton of food. He had two plates of sausages and a thermos full of coffee. He said that he put in about 8 packets of sugar in each of the cups of coffee. He also puts in a lot of half and half in the coffee. Eric said that he went around 2 in the afternoon and stayed there for about 2 hours.
Howard asked Eric why he doesn't just live there. He said he could just keep eating the same meal. Eric said on Thanksgiving he had dinner with his family and then went out to the diner for another meal. He said he was still hungry so he had to go out and eat. Howard asked him if he ever thinks about just eating one pancake and one egg. Eric said that never occurs to him. Eric said he has an ''eating habit'' which Howard corrected to an eating disorder.
Artie asked Eric if they could talk about what he has going on in his life. Eric said they could do that but then didn't talk about going to court. Howard said that it must have been for the fraud changes. Artie said that he told him that it was the next day he had to go but Eric denied it was the next day, it was last month that he had to go.
Howard asked Eric how he pays for his meals. Eric said he uses his unemployment money. Howard said it's good that Eric can eat for $7.99.
Artie said that Eric is just living and existing and this stuff doesn't even bother him. He said that Eric doesn't care about going to court and things like that.
Howard asked Eric what his family talks to him about at thanksgiving. Eric said they can't believe how big he's gotten. He's up to 347 pounds. Howard asked if they try to talk to him about dieting. Eric said they do that. He said they tell him to stop eating like an animal.
Howard asked Eric if they tell him to get responsible and stop doing the other stuff he's doing in his life. Howard asked if his parents are in shape. Eric said that they are in shape. Eric said that they don't look disgusted by him when he sees them. He said they did cut him off from eating though. He said that's why he was still hungry after he left.
Eric mentioned that he had about 4 glasses of wine and 6 beers at Thanksgiving dinner too. Howard said he'd love to see a movie of Eric's life where they start out with his mother giving birth to this adorable baby and then move along to his future life where he's the winner of the Craptacular. Howard said that he's the same guy who ends up eating 12 pancakes at IHOP for $7.99.
Howard said even the charges against Eric are too high brow for him. He said that fraud sounds too complicated for Eric.
Eric asked if there's a fat camp he can go to. Artie said that would cost money and who is going to pay for that? Eric said he wants to go so he can lose weight. Howard told him that costs money.
Howard said he doesn't know Eric's plan for his future but maybe he should try to get on The Biggest Loser. Eric said he tried out for it but he didn't get picked. Howard said that they should have picked him to get ratings. Robins said they should do their own and get Joey Boots and Eric to be part of it. She said that Eric won't even try on The Biggest Loser. She said there's no way he's going to make it the whole time in that show.
Howard said that Eric has done some great phony phone calls. He said he likes the ''twat cream'' call and ended up playing that one. Artie was laughing his ass off when he heard the call. Howard said Eric could have called that woman 20 more times. Eric said that Sal and Richard helped him with that call. Howard said that they realize the brilliance of Eric and have him make the call.
Eric said he wants to do the weight loss thing on the show. Howard told him that maybe he should do that on his own and lose some weight so he can fit in a pair of pants. Howard said that he should go to IHOP and just eat one pancake and leave.
Robin said that Eric eats like Michael Phelps but just doesn't work that weight off. Eric asked if he could plug some shows he's doing with Beetlejuice. He plugged those shows that he's doing with Bob Levy and Beetlejuice. You can find out more at RevBobLevy.com. Eric said he does impressions for a few minutes on stage.
Howard asked the guys to get him some tissues because he just had to wipe his nose on his sleeve. Howard said they have to do another High Pitch Eric special next year. Howard said he wishes they had video of Eric going to IHOP. He said they made a mistake not doing that this year.
Howard said he was exhausted from that caller. He said he's not too worried about Beth cheating on him. He said they spend so much time together that she wouldn't have time to cheat on him.
Gary came in and said that they have to get to this person who is going to be making a big announcement today. Howard said he'll get to that. He thanked Gary for moving the show along. Gary said he was just pre-promoting the segment. That led to Fred playing some Baba Booey song parodies. Robin told Gary that you can't ''pre-promote'' something. You just promote something. Howard said she's right. Gary said that pre-promotion is fine. Howard told him he's wrong. Fred threw in another Baba Booey song parody while they were goofing on him about that.
Gary said that he's taking this stuff from someone who forgot her purse in a cab and had to be told to call her phone to get it back. Fred played yet another Baba Booey song parody... and then another one.
Howard said that Tim Sabean shouldn't be sending out e-mails. He said if you don't know how to spell something, you just shouldn't send the mail. Howard said he loves Tim but the guy sent out an e-mail and it makes him look retarded. Howard said he thinks that Tim writes a lot of stuff on his Blackberry and that's why there are so many mistakes.
Howard said Tim is the program director of Howard 100 and 101 and he should know how to spell. Howard said he heard that he sent out an e-mail and spelled fascinating ''FASINATING.'' Howard said that he must just spell it the way it sounds.
Howard said Tim is heading up the ladder there and he should be able to spell. Howard said that Tim should just write ''cool'' instead of ''remarkable'' or something like that. Howard said that's what he does himself and keeps it simple. He said he did that in Artie's book, Too Fat To Fish, when he wrote the foreword.
Howard continued to goof on Gary about the ''pre-promotion'' thing and wondered if there was going to be ''post-promotion'' as well. Fred threw in another song parody.
Howard asked Artie if his book went to number 1 on the NY Times Bestseller list. Artie said that it did. He said he's framing that. Howard said that it must have been the pre-promotion for the book. Howard goofed on Gary a little more about that. Robin said she was sorry for pointing that out to Howard. Fred kept playing Baba Booey song parody after song parody. Howard was laughing and said that they should really do an opera about Baba Booey.
Howard said he was listening to Miserable Men and said that they got a 4 hour show. He said he got to listen to Bubba over vacation and it seems like things are going really well there.
Artie was out doing a book signing in Philly last week. Howard said he heard that Ronnie was there too. Artie said he was handling stuff that he didn't think he should be signing. Artie said the people always bring up the Mambo thing with him.
Howard ended up doing his Sour Shoes ''Wooo'' impression a bunch of times until Fred played a song parody with that clip in it. Howard said that crying guy must be a real intellectual if he's that upset about the library closing. Howard said he wants that guy on the show tomorrow.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they're going to re-sign Bubba to stay there. Howard said that it seems like he's in contract negotiations all the time there. Howard said he knows Bubba likes being associated with them and they've become friends with him. Howard said he's told the company that he's good for them and he's hoping they keep him around. Howard said he knows that it's been good for Bubba and he's doing well on terrestrial radio again. He said he's on in 5 markets now. Howard said he gets ratings on terrestrial radio too.
Robin asked if the friendship is going to continue if Bubba leaves satellite. Howard said he hopes so. He said he really likes the guy. Howard said Bubba is good and he's a big believer in his. Howard said that he'd rather just have one channel if Bubba isn't there. Howard said he'd have to sit down and figure it all out if he did leave.
Howard said that if Bubba is being unreasonable that's one thing. He doesn't think that's the case though. He said if they can't keep Bubba there, who are they going to hire? He said that he doesn't want to go there though. He said he'd be sad if Bubba did leave. He considers Bubba a friend and wants him to stay there.
Howard said he knows that Bubba isn't for all of his fans but he did ask people to give him a chance when he first started there. Howard said he's not sure he'd want anyone else there if he ends up leaving. Howard said they have a lot of these speciality shows going on there but it's been them and Bubba for years now. Howard said he's just waiting to see what happens with all of that.
Howard said that it would be nice for Bubba to have satellite to fall back on if terrestrial turns on him again and kicks him off the air. That's what happened to Kidd Chris and he's in a bad boat right now because he can't get back on the air.
Artie said that they've done 3 years now and they're going into their fourth year now. Howard said that Beth had him convinced that he had only done 2 years. Howard said he thought he only had 2 more years left to do and Beth was trying to tell him he had 3 more.
Howard said he had to take a break but the caller asked if they saw the Cheech and Chong roast on TBS yesterday. Howard said he missed it. The caller said it kind of sucked. Artie said he was asked to do it but he wasn't able to do it so they asked him to do a tape. He said they had a script for him and it was so bad that he just couldn't do it. He said he didn't want to do it because those guys don't even know who he is. He said it was going to be him and Steve Carell. Artie said he can't believe Steve said yes to doing it. He didn't think it would have worked. Robin said she was asked to be on the dais but she didn't do that either. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said he had to get to this special announcement. He said Benjy suggested doing something before the person came in but it was too late. The person came in and Howard said he told Gary what Benjy suggested and he sent him in anyway. Howard said he might need to get a different producer. Gary said he didn't send him in, the guy walked in on his own. It turned out to be High Pitch Mike. Howard said they were supposed to guess who it was going to be. Gary said it wasn't his fault.
Mike said it was his fault because he was in Scott's office and Gary didn't know he was going to do that. Gary said he can't blame him for this one. Howard told Gary he saved the bit with his pre-promotion earlier anyway. That led to Fred playing another Baba Booey song parody. Then Gary went off on Robin about her losing her purse since she was goofing on him about the whole thing. Gary called her a ''fucking bitch'' during that little tirade.
Howard thanked Gary for that and had Mike get to his thing. Mike asked Fred to cut off the drum roll that he was playing. Howard said that they did this lie detector test the other day with Mike when they asked him if he was gay. Mike said he wasn't gay and the lie detector test said he was lying. Mike said he had a meltdown after that.
Mike said he's been going through some very emotional stuff lately, since October. He asked Howard to play a song that has changed his life and the way he thinks. He said it's a Brian McKnight song. Howard played some of that while Mike was talking.
Mike said that he went to see his parents celebrating their 40th anniversary while Howard was getting married. Mike said he heard this song and ended up breaking down crying uncontrollably. He said the love that they talk about in this song is something he'll never get to experience. Howard said he didn't like this song.
Mike continued and said he realized how lonely and empty he was inside. For the past 20 years he's been lying to himself and his friends and family. Mike said it's time to come out of the closet and admit he's gay. Howard told him he admires him for that.
Howard said he talked to Mike off the air about this. He said that Mike had spoken to Gary and Artie about it off the air too. Artie jokingly said that this goes along with another announcement about him being fired.
Howard said that he spoke to Gary about this off the air and he told him about what was going on. Mike said that he called his sister and told her about it after he spoke to his boss about it. Mike said that he was afraid to come out because when he was in college his mother asked him if he was gay and he told her no. She told him that she would disown him if he was.
Mike came out to Artie down in the lobby of the building they work in. Artie said he's glad he's in a place where he can do something like that. He said he felt emotional about the whole thing when Mike broke the news to him.
Mike said that Artie was the most compassionate, concerned person he's spoken to. Artie said he really felt for him and that's very hard for someone to go through. He said he hopes that things are okay with him.
Howard said Gary told him about this whole thing and he found out about the story about Mike's mom. He said that he had to talk to Mike before all of this before he came out. He told Mike he should come out to his mother first, before he did it on the air. Howard said he thought that it would be best that he come out to his parents first. Howard said he called up Mike and told him what he thought about the whole thing.
Howard said that if Mike's mother heard about it third hand or something, then she'd get really upset. Howard said that Mike told him that he had already come out to her. Mike said that he spoke to his mother on November 23rd and broke the news to him. Mike said that he told her that what she said to him 10 years ago about disowning him had made a mess of his life. Mike said that she said that she would still disown him if he was gay. Mike said he started crying and sobbing and he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Mike said that there was anger and disappointment when he did tell her the news. He said he didn't choose to be that way and kept crying and crying.
Mike said he was about to hang up the phone and told her that this would be their last call if that's the way she wanted things. Mike said that he was about to hang up the phone when she told him that she just wanted him to be happy no matter what that means. He said that she told him that he meant more to her than life itself.
Mike said that he wasn't worried about his father's reaction to all of this. Mike said his two sisters were fine with the whole thing too.
Howard said he's glad that Mike was able to come out now. He asked Mike if he has ever been with a guy. Mike said that he has been with guys in the past but he didn't want to get too explicit. Mike said that he's not a virgin so the lie detector test was wrong on that question.
Howard asked Mike when he first realized he was gay. Mike said he was in 6th grade, around 11 or 12 years old. Howard asked Mike when he started doing stuff with dudes. Mike said it didn't happen until college. He said that he didn't think that was that late since a lot of kids don't act on that stuff in high school. Howard said he did.
Howard said that Mike hasn't been doing much of anything in the past 10 years because of this shame he felt. Mike said that he didn't want to have his parents come over and visit and wonder who a guy was. He does have a guy room mate but they're just friends. Mike said that no one really knew that he was gay. Howard pointed out that Artie kind of knew.
Mike said that when he went to Disney World a few years ago he wasn't there for the gay thing. He said that if he was there for Gay Week, he would have been there for Gay Week. He said the people there were very flamboyant and he's not like that.
Mike said that he spoke to his mother last night and she told him she was proud of him for doing this on the air. Robin said that it could make it easier for some people to come out.
Mike read an e-mail he got from his mother and she told him to please be happy. She told him not to let anyone change him and things like that.
Howard asked Mike who on the staff he's attracted to. Mike said that the flamboyant gay thing isn't attractive to him. He said the people at Out Q are kind of like that. Robin asked who he admires. Howard said it must be Fred.
A guy called in pretending to be Mike's mom and said she really hates him. The guy was doing a high pitched voice kind of like Mike's.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Mike's parents that they raised a great son. She said that he's one of the nicest people she's met at SIRIUS. Joey Boots also called in and told Mike that it was very freeing for him to come out a year and a half ago.
Robin said that Mike would always say that there was nothing wrong with being gay and he would never gay bash when Artie would bring that stuff up.
Howard asked Mike who he has had a crush on there at the show. Artie said it would be great if it was him. Mike said that no one there is anyone that he's attracted to. Mike said that there is one person on the music channels that he likes. He said that he thinks the guy is gay but he's not positive. He said that he got mad when he heard that the Christmas party was canceled and realized he was so mad because he was hoping to approach that one person.
Howard said that Mike is free to date for any of those fans out there who are attracted to him. Artie said that this is a great day, Mike has come out and announced he's gay and Steve Langford is going to come in and announce that the sky is blue.
Mike said that he wants to work with Artie to get his cupcake charity thing back with Life Beat. Mike said he wrote a letter to the director of Life Beat and he will do anything to get them to resolve the whole thing. Mike said that maybe they'll reconsider the whole thing now that they know all of this.
Benjy was laughing and wondered if Artie really wanted to work to get that whole thing back. Artie said he's not sure what he can do about it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the show was awesome today. The guy said he came out about 15 years ago and it's tough to deal with it but at least he got the weight off his shoulders.
Artie asked Mike if this whole gay thing had to do with him not letting Langford into his apartment to do the report about his TV. Mike said that was all about privacy and he just didn't want Steve coming in and going through every little thing in his life.
Mike said that he saw the Matthew Shepard story years ago and that made him wonder if that could happen to him. He said that there was another story about a 15 year old, Lawrence King, who ended up getting killed for giving a male classmate a valentine. He said that he wants to do what he can for the Matthew Shepard charity. Howard said that Mike has lived in fear and closeted and that's the kind of thing he can see him doing. Mike said that stuff touches him.
Gary came in and gave Mike some gay porn, like ''Tight Latin Man Holes.'' JD had a bunch of them in his office so they're going to pass them along to Mike.
Artie said that anyone in the same position as Mike should come out. Mike said that kids commit suicide over this kind of stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Joey and Artie kind of picked up on this guy being gay and wondered about Artie's ''gaydar.'' Artie said that it wasn't that hard to figure it out. Howard said that he has known to be right once in a while and he's predicting that Mike's voice is going to get deeper now that he has this pressure off of him. He said he thinks that the voice might be high because of the stress he's had in his life all these years.
Howard said that Mike wanted to be in a relationship and no one would want to be in one with a closeted guy. Mike said he really admires George Takei about this stuff. Artie said that he thinks that he could have fucked George in Sal and Richard's office when he faked coming out to him. Howard said that would have been great if he had been able to blow George in the office. Artie said that he would have been considered the funniest guy if he had done that. Howard said he really would have. Artie said he felt so bad that day when he came out to George and didn't tell him he was lying.
Howard said that he thinks Mike will show them changes over the next year or so. He will get a deeper voice and by tomorrow he may be wearing a thong. Mike said he hopes that there are changes. He said that he is out but he's not necessarily proud. Howard said he's proud every time he fucks a girl.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked Artie if he feels bad about what he said to him. Artie said that he did and he told him that when he spoke to him off the air.
Dominic also told Mike he's incredible for coming out like this. Mike said he's hoping to figure out the whole Life Beat thing with Artie.
Dominic said that he and Leslie are divorced now and that's all over. Howard said he has a million questions for him but this is Mike's time right now. He said he thinks Dominic has to sit down with someone and talk this stuff out.
Mike had Howard play a clip of Keith Olbermann talking about the passing of Proposition 8 out in California. Mike thought he gave his thoughts very eloquently. Howard played that and then went to the phones again.
A caller gave Mike a ''Wah! I'm a fag...'' but Mike didn't want to deal with people like that today. Another caller asked Mike if he still has that big screen TV that he won. Mike said he does and it's still in the box.
Gay Ramone called in and told Mike to go back into the closet. He said that Mike ignored him at Six Flags this summer. Mike didn't remember that. Howard ended up hanging up on him. Another guy thought this was a bit that they were being drawn into. Howard hung up on him too.
Howard told Mike he thinks he's a great guy and thought that before he knew he was gay. He asked when he thinks he's going to go out and celebrate by having some gay sex. Mike said he's not sure about that. Mike said that he has never had a very long relationship with guys. He said that he never thought any of his relationships could go anywhere.
Howard said he thinks Mike's mother handled this all very well. Mike said that he's glad she handled it the way she did. Mike said that she grew up in a bigoted area and people are taught to hate. He thinks that she has grown and moved on. Mike said that his grandfather used the N-word all the time so that's where some of the hate came from.
Mike said that he questions Richard's gay stunts on the show. Richard had come in to show Mike his butt hole. Mike didn't want to see that. He asked Richard to put that away. Mike told him he's so stupid. Mike said that's disgusting to him because it's Richard. Artie said he was right about Mike and now he's going to say that Richard is gay too.
Mike said that Richard's first question to him when he told him he was gay was ''Are you attracted to Gary?'' Mike said he doesn't usually plug but he wanted to get in a plug for this MatthewShepard.org web site.
Mike told Howard that JD's response to this whole gay thing was just saying ''Sorry!'' JD came in and said that he was in a rush to leave that day.
JD said he doesn't want this stuff getting back to his mother so he just didn't want them bringing it up on the air. Howard asked who he was with on Thanksgiving. JD said he was with his father. He said he does have a new girlfriend. He said Will is a douche bag for telling Howard that. JD said that they were all pretty quiet with each other.
Howard tried to find out more about his father's girlfriend and stuff but JD didn't want to talk about it. Howard said he loves to bust on him about that. JD said he knows that.
Howard dropped the JD stuff and thanked Mike for coming in. He then asked Benjy why he was laughing so much during that whole thing. Benjy said he didn't think Artie wanted to get the Life Beat thing back. Howard cut him off and thanked him for nothing.
Howard said they had to announce the winner of the ''I Want to be Howard stern'' contest. They have Ham Hands Bill, Sam Tripoly and Dante as the three finalists. He said he has to get to that and also play the new Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy. Howard said he wants to hear what took 30 years to make. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said they had their three finalists there for the ''I Want to be Howard Stern'' contest. They have to pick a winner out of those three to win the $5,000. They have Dante, Ham Hands Bill and Sam Tripoly and Nadar.
Howard said that most of Ham Hands Bill's show was about licking ass and smelling vagina and rape fantasies. Howard said there was a lot of that stuff in there. Bill said that he has never raped anyone and it's just a fantasy. He said it wasn't really his fantasies either.
Howard asked Dante if he heard the other two shows. Dante said he did hear some of each show and thought they were all different but he was the best. Bill said he thinks he was the best because he brought something different. He said it sounded like Dante wanted to lick the cheese out of John McCain's balls during his show.
Howard asked Bill who the worst was. Bill said he thinks that Dante was the worst of the three because he sounds like anyone else that they can hear on any channel. Dante said that Bill is the nicest guy off the air but when he gets on the mic or the camera he's like a professional wrestler.
Howard asked Bill why he had black nail polish on. Bill said it was to go with his bracelet and it was just something different. He was shaking too so Howard asked about that. Bill said he just gets excited when he's on the air.
Howard said hello to Sam and Nadar who also did a show. They thought that they were the best of the three of course. They picked Dante as second place and Bill as third place.
Howard said he thought they all did good shows and he really doesn't like to judge other radio shows himself. He said there was something compelling about all three shows. Howard said he thinks that Bill is entertaining all the time when he's on. He said he's in a category all of his own. Howard said Dante had more of a traditional show and Sam and Nadar went for laughs. He said that they all had good shows.
Howard said that they had the audience vote and Bill came in third with 12 percent. Howard said Dante's show came in second with 39 percent and Sam and Nadar came in first place.
Howard said that they're all going to vote there in the studio. Artie said he didn't hear one of the shows so he can't vote. Robin said that she feels weird voting because Dante was her intern and she feels partial to voting for him. Howard asked the rest of the guys if they heard. Benjy and Ronnie didn't hear them so they were left out of it.
Howard said that he'd love to vote for all of them but he can't do that. Jason heard the shows too so he threw his vote at Ham Hands Bill. He said that he was riveted to the radio through the whole show.
Howard said that he thinks that the best show, as far as being listenable and having a genuine radio career, was Dante. He said that was by far the most superior show in his opinion. Howard said he found it compelling and it moved along. He said he thinks that he deserves the $5,000 even though Sam and Nadar did a good show too. He also liked Ham Hands Bill's show but he thinks that Dante's show was the best overall.
Bill asked Dante about the comments he made about Natalie Maines. Dante said he's sticking by the comments about her looks even though he thinks that she is very talented. That led to Gary asking Bill if he believed in those fantasies he was saying about fucking the Olsen twins. Bill said he was just making up fantasies about Crackhead Bob when he said that.
Sam said that this was supposed to be a ''I want to be Howard Stern'' contest and that's not what this was turning out to be. Dante said it wasn't supposed to be a cheap rip-off of the show either though. Sam said that's not what they did.
Howard said that the next vote was going to be Mr. Pre-promotion, Gary Dell'Abate. Gary said he was a big fan of Ham Hands Bill but he doesn't think he could listen to that on a weekly basis. He said he was most compelled by Dante's show. He said he thought he was compelling with the one man show.
Howard went to Fred next and Fred said that all three shows were really good. He picked Dante as his first place winner. Ham Hands was a close second according to Fred.
That gave the win to Dante. Howard said he'd like to hear Ham Hands and Sam and Nadar do some stuff for them because they were so good.
Howard had the people from Klondike Bar come in with the $5,000 check for Dante. Howard asked them when they created the different flavors for Klondike. They said it was about 50 years ago. They spent a few minutes talking about the different flavors and the guys from Klondike corrected Gary on the pronunciation of the word ''Reese's'' and said that it wasn't ''Ree-Sees'' like he said a couple of weeks ago. Bill asked if they have ever used the bars to flavor a woman's private parts. The guys said they had not.
The guys presented Dante with his $5,000 check and said that they have some Klondike bars for them as well. Dante said a few words about his win and then Howard wrapped up and let the guys from Klondike go. They went to break a short time later.
Robin said that they do have it in the paper that Bombay did become Mumbai. She wasn't sure when that happened though.
Howard said he was reading about these hydrogen powered SUVs that are in an article he's reading about. The only problem with them is that there aren't any filling stations to fill up at. Howard said he would buy one of these things if this country put an effort together to get some filling stations. Howard said it sounds like hydrogen is all around us. Artie wondered how you put it in your car.
Howard read the article about this hydrogen vehicle thing. As he was going through it he cut himself off and said that when he goes pee now he doesn't know when he's done. He has to wipe his cock with toilet paper now. Robin said she didn't know that guys didn't wipe. Howard said they just shake it off.
Howard said that his underpants end up getting soaking wet if he doesn't wipe now. He said he's wiping now and hates to waste the paper. He said he hates washing his hands too and he has to when he wipes. Howard said the water leaking from the tail pipe thing is what led to him talking about this.
Howard read more of the article and they're saying that these fuel cell SUVs are powerful, quick and quiet and they're working out great so far. Howard said that this should be front page news. Howard said there are people driving these things but they're not for sale. The only down side right now is fueling up the vehicles.
Artie kept asking how you put hydrogen in a car. Howard said they don't really say. He continued to read through the article and they don't really say how you get it in there. Howard said they do say that it's hard to find a place to fill up.
Howard joked that all of the hydrogen was in Iran and Saudi Arabia but he told the guys he was just joking around about that. Howard said that hydrogen is in the air so they must be able to pull it out of the air and put it in a tank.
Howard said that if we could convert vehicles to this stuff, we could put those countries that supply oil right out of business. He said that then they wouldn't be able to support terrorism in India and places like that. That led to Howard talking about what went on over in India while they were on vacation. He gave the history as he knew it.
Howard talked about how so many people hate this country and how we have everything at our fingertips and we did it all without Allah. Howard said that's what pisses them off over in those countries. Howard said that India has a very successful economy starting to happen now and there are a lot of people who are jealous of that. Howard said the extremists over there are upset about it and they're trying to undermine the economy so they decided to kill some people. He said that it was an attack on their economy and they're so jealous that all they do is destroy whatever they can get their hands on.
Howard said that this is what was going on with the 9/11 attacks. It was an attack on our economy. Howard said that they're attempting to do the same thing in India now.
Howard and Artie talked about what went on over there. Artie said that it seems like the whole thing was organized for like $500. Howard said that you can't fight people who are willing to commit suicide by bombing. He said that it's going to come down to what it did in World War II. He said that Pakistan and India are going to end up in a nuclear war or something.
Doug came in and said that he didn't know it was re-gifted at first until someone else pointed it out. Gary said he has three cases of wine and sometimes he just gives it out sometimes. Artie figured Gary just wanted to get rid of that shit.
Howard said some people are so happy about stuff like that there. He didn't want to say who it was but someone came up to him very excited about Gary screwing up.
Howard read a quote from this Champagne woman and she was talking about the state of radio now and how it's going down hill. Howard said he doesn't think the state of radio has changed, it's the economy that has changed. He said that getting ratings is the same and there are those who can get them and those who can't.
Howard said that radio was shitty when he got into it and he was able to get huge ratings. He said that they have to put compelling people on radio and they'll be able to get ratings. Howard said they have millions of listeners on satellite now and that's because they have compelling people on.
Artie said that it's a different skill and they can't just throw Whoopi Goldberg on a station and expect to get ratings. Howard said that there are people like Sean Hannity who get a good sized audience. Howard said that people like that don't complain about the state of radio. They just go on and do their thing.
Howard said that radio was always like that and everyone was interchangeable and no one said a thing. Now they let people say whatever they want but they have nothing to say. Howard said that he has to stay away from people because everyone wants to be entertained by him.
Howard said Beth tells him that she loves being entertained by him and that's why she wants to be around him all the time.
Howard said he had some money to give away too. He said that they have $1,000 cash to give away. He took a call from a guy who calls himself Long Bone. The guy wasn't there so Howard said that guy is going to be pissed when he realizes what he missed out on.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she read Artie's book and started to explain what she wanted to say but Howard cut her off and just wanted to give her the money. She said that she's the woman who sent Artie the pictures of her daughter that he liked.
Howard asked the woman why she would do this with her daughter. He said that maybe she should worry about Artie's heroin addiction and stuff like that. She said that the book did kind of change her views on him. She said that they're going to be at Artie's show soon. Howard said that it's like she wants her daughter to get fucked by Artie. She said she's not looking for that. She wants them to get together and turn that into a loving relationship.
Artie asked if the daughter has an enormous dog. She said that she actually does have a Husky. Artie said that she'd have two huskies if she dated him.
Howard said that they were going to play audio of Beetlejuice trying to identify farm animal sounds. Gary said that Richard came up with it and said that most of the stuff is the same difficulty. The woman on the phone kept asking Artie about meeting him and didn't even seem to care about the money.
Artie wanted to see the pictures of the daughter but Will said that he had already seen them. Howard moved on to the game and played the first clip which was the sound of a cat meowing. The woman had to guess if Beetlejuice would know what kind of animal it was. The woman guessed that Beetlejuice wouldn't know what it was. Beetlejuice said that it was a ''It's a fucking cat... what the fuck you doin'?''
Howard played a second clip for the woman since he felt bad for her and her daughter because she's pimping her out to Artie. She said that she's only doing that for Artie. The second clip was a duck. The woman guessed that Beetlejuice wouldn't know what it was. Beetlejuice said ''It's a dog.'' The woman won her $1,000 courtesy of the DVD release of the movie ''Step Brothers.'' Howard let the woman go a short time later.
Howard played another clip of a dog barking. Beetlejuice knew that. He played one of a monkey and Beetlejuice thought that was a pig. Richard played a turkey gobbling and Beetlejuice thought it was a chicken. Beet thought a dolphin was a monkey. He knew what an elephant sounded like. Howard said Beet does know some stuff. They played a horse sound for Beet and he got that one right. Beetlejuice didn't have a clue what the rattlesnake sound was. Next up was a pig sound and Beet didn't have a clue about that one.
Howard played the title track off the album and they were all liking that. Then he played ''Shackler's Revenge'' and then ''Better'' and said that they get the idea, it's pretty rockin'. Robin didn't like that ''Better'' song much.
Howard played ''Catcher in the Rye'' next. It was a little slower than the other songs. Howard said he liked that one. He said he doesn't know why it took them that long to make the album though. Robin said that they must have meant that Axl just had to get as old as he is now to make something this good.
Howard played another track, ''Prostitute,'' and said that the album was banned in China. Howard ended up playing the Brian McKnight song that they played earlier when High Pitch Mike was in there. He said that turned him gay the first time he heard it. Howard said that he wanted to hear the song and let it play a little bit. Fred threw in a gagging sound a few times during the song.
Howard said he never knows what people are talking about in songs like that so he wouldn't ever cry. Mike was able to get something out of it that he could never get.
Artie wondered if he can light heartedly rib Mike about the gay thing or not. He figured he might not be able to do that at all.
Howard said that the greatest thing happened over the vacation. He said he was reading about this Pastor Young guy in the paper. He said he's the new thing for him. Howard said the guy came out with something for married couples in his congregation. He suggested that all of the married couples have sex for 7 straight days. Robin said she did a report about that. Howard said he read about it during vacation and told Beth about it. He said Beth said to him that she thought they should do it. Howard figured she was going to blow him off and not go along with it.
Howard said he was beside himself with that. He said that they were going for force themselves to have sex once a day and it was great. Howard said he's into this guy now and saw him on FOX news so he told Beth about that. She told him to stop with the whole thing and get over it. Howard said that he kept bringing the guy's name up to her until she told him to stop.
Howard said they did it two days in a row but on the third day they didn't screw. He said they were both too tired to do it. They decided to have sex twice the next day instead. They did that twice and the next couple of days they just weren't able to do it so they didn't. He said the experiment failed.
Robin told Howard to try it again because she thinks that he could do it if they tried. Artie said that he doesn't think that he could even jerk off 7 days in a row. Benjy said that Pastor Young said he had the same problem Howard did and wasn't able to do it on the third day and tried to do it twice on the fourth day. He said they didn't get into more detail after that.
Howard said that the new Reese Witherspoon movie got the worst reviews and it was number one at the box office this weekend. Artie said that reviews mean nothing. Robin said that's not true and it's just that these big stars come out with movies and people have nothing better to do so they go see them. Artie said that's basically what he just said.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie called into Bubba's show last week and he sounded like he was asleep during the call. Artie said that he was asleep right before he called in. He said he just stayed in bed and talked to Bubba for an hour. He said that Bubba never called him out on it.
Another caller told Howard to listen to ''There Was a Time'' on the Guns N' Roses new album. He said it's got the greatest guitar solo. Howard played the song and tried to find the guitar solo. He fast forwarded to the right spot and let the solo play. Howard said he wanted to come out of the closet while that was playing.
The guitar player is Bucket Head so Fred told Howard he wears a KFC bucket on his head when he plays, that's where he got his name from. Howard said that there was another bucket head that he had heard about. Gary said that Bucket Head isn't even in the band anymore. He's out and there's another guy in the band.
Howard said he's going to stick to the Beatles. Howard said he did like this album and he might listen to it but he doesn't even listen to that many albums anymore.
Robin said she's been listening to Deep Cuts on SIRIUS lately and they played a Beatles song that she hadn't even heard of before. Howard gave Robin some lyrics and had her try and figure out what song it was. It was Rocky Raccoon. He also did that for Honey Pie. Artie sang some of ''Helter Skelter'' and had them guess what song he was talking about. He sang the words ''Helter Skelter'' so it was very easy.
Fred got in on it too and had the guys guessing what Beatles song he was giving the lyrics to. They did that for a few more minutes but Howard wanted to get to the news block.
Howard said he tried to call Jessica Hahn over vacation and all of her numbers didn't work. Gary said that she's been having some issues lately and she has been out of the house doing some stuff.
Vinnie Favale, a huge Beatles fan, called in and had some Beatles lyrics for them to guess at. That led to Artie talking about the replay they did last week of the day Vinnie e-mailed Dana about the girls. He said that was a classic bit. Howard said it was painful for him to listen to. Howard said Vinnie was the one who told him about the ''Slum Dog Millionaire'' movie too. He said the movie is mostly in English but there are some Indian moments.
Artie said he liked ''Vicky Christina Barcelona.'' He said that Penelope Cruz was really sexy in the movie and there's a great lesbian kiss between her and Scarlet Johansson too. Robin said she wanted to be Penelope in the movie. Howard figured that she wanted to be her because she was into chicks in the movie. Robin said that wasn't it, it was that she was so crazy that she loved.
Howard asked Robin if she's ever kissed another girl on the lips. She said that as a kid she did but that was just to practice kissing. Howard asked if she ever fingered a friend's asshole. Robin said she never did that. She said she missed that part. Howard told her that she should have practiced for when a guy wanted to do that.
Howard told Beth about Robin's book over the weekend and she was shocked about some of the stuff that was in there. Artie said he hasn't read it yet either. He said that people tell him to read it because he'll get a better knowledge of what she used to be like.
Artie said that Howard will like that movie ''Vicky Christina Barcelona. He said that this guy is living in Spain without a care in the world and he's just having threesomes and stuff. Robin said that his whole life is about how he's going to get laid. Artie said that it's like they're missing something out there in the world and that's what the movie is about.
Howard told Artie he can't get sloppy with that stuff. Artie said it looks like his autograph. Artie said that he'll sign whatever people have too. Howard said he was doing that too. Artie said that people have him signing their Vikodin and Subutex bottles too.
Steve said that they have an update on Dominic Barbara and his wife's court case. They also have a new Lisa G cookie that's coming out from a company in Vermont. They have more details at LisaG.com.
Howard asked Steve what he thinks about this High Pitch Mike thing. Steve said he thinks he's a brave guy. That led to Artie talking about all of the people going up to Steve asking him about his penis. Howard wondered how that rumor got started. Steve said it's an urban myth and it's just average. Gary said that Kidd Chris was the guy who told them that he knew a girl who was with Steve and said that he was big down there. Howard said he wants to talk to that woman.
Artie said he heard Steve say ''I'm so hungry I could eat the asshole out of a skunk!'' when they were out at the book signing. He said it was very disconcerting to hear that coming out of Steve.
Jon Hein came in a short time later with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the stuff they were going to be covering today.
That led to Howard talking about JD and his mother. Gary said that JD was yelling at them to not talk about it anymore. JD came in and said that his mother loves him. Howard said he knows that but she seems to be disappointing him a lot. JD said that's not what's going on. Howard wanted to give him a hug but JD wanted nothing to do with that. Howard said he just wanted to give him a hug like his mother should be doing.
Artie said his favorite line of the morning was when Gary said that Robin couldn't even jump over her own wallet and added ''... you fuckin bitch.'' Gary said he never said that. Artie said that he did and people were hearing that on Howard 101 right now.
Robin said there was a pregnant woman who had to go to the hospital after getting trampled. She said that there were people all over the country lining up outside of stores like that. They had to take a break after that.
After the break, around 10:30am, Howard came right back and had Robin get back into her news. Robin read a story about Britney Spears and her new album. Robin had some of her new song and had Howard play that. Howard thought she sounded like a dude at first. He said she's not in the top 5 songs either. He said that Katy Perry is in the top 5 again though. He played her song and said that T.I. is in there too. Gary mentioned that T.I. will be coming in soon. Beyonce was in the top 5 also. Howard played a little bit of her song and Robin said she hates that song. Howard said that Rhianna and T.I. have the number one song. He played some of that and let it play for a minute.
Artie said that he was talking to some old friends that he went to school with. He said that he ended up failing gym class in high school. He said that there was this big black kid in the class who was playing volley ball and ended up saying to the coach ''Mr. Debarberri, Artie ain't rotatin' properly'' and that led to him failing. Howard told him to include that story in his next book.
Robin had some audio of Britney Spears talking about her life and how tough it is living on her own. Britney is looking for a guy with money because it's so hard making money on her own. There was a clip from Britney's documentary where Madonna talked about the similarities between her and Britney. There was also a clip of Britney talking about her day to day life and how she doesn't have any excitement or passion in her life.
Robin read a story about Plaxico Burress' shooting himself and how he's going to have to turn himself into the cops. He's going to be charged with illegal weapons charges. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that story.
Robin read some news about the terrorist attacks in Mumbai. She said that President Bush is sending Condoleeza Rice over there to figure it all out. Howard said he feels bad for India. Robin told Howard he should have felt bad for them the day before the attacks, not today. Robin had some audio of President Bush talking about the attacks. Robin spent a minute talking about her time in India and how she just wanted to get out of there as soon as she got off the plane. She said she got stuck there for a little while and it was like being in the dark ages. She said they had to wait until the middle of the night to get a line to get an international call made. They had to do everything through an operator too.
Robin said that there were no elevators in the hotel she was staying in. Her suitcase was bigger than the bellhop and he had to carry her suitcase on his back. She said that she got into the place and settled in and went to look out her window. She said there was a cow in the middle of the street tying up traffic because it was just laying there. Howard said that the whole reason the bombings happened was because these Pakistani people were jealous of what was going on in India. He thought that was kind of nuts.
Robin said that the whole night she was there she had to watch cockroaches crawling over her suitcase. Howard and Artie were doing their Indian impressions and talking about how the cockroaches must be considered gods over there like the cows are.
Robin had some news about Barack Obama making an announcement about making Hillary Clinton Secretary of State. Howard said he's loving what Obama is doing so far appointing the Clinton people. Artie said the first person he'd hire is that Monica Lewinsky. That led to Fred playing the edited clip of Bill Clinton saying ''Monica Lewinsky is a dry hole.''
Robin brought up a story about Ted Kennedy so Artie was expecting Howard to go into his Ted Kennedy impression. Howard said they'd be there all day if he did that so he had Gary pack up his megaphone. Howard couldn't avoid the impression for long. He did a little bit of it. He ended up doing it as if he were in a Gamorrean Guard costume at a comic book convention instead of using the megaphone.
Robin read a story about some abstinence advocates who waited until they were married to kiss for the first time. Artie said they must be really well adjusted people. That led to Fred and Howard doing more of their Kennedy impressions. Fred was doing it as if he were Ham Hands Bill.
Robin read that hurricane season was over. She had some statistics about how many there were this season and stuff like that. Robin also had a story about one of Johnny Carson's producers dying recently.
Robin had a story about Ashley Dupree the prostitute. She's apparently signed on with a record company to make an album. Howard said she doesn't look hot anymore now that she's not dressing like a hooker. Howard said that she was apologizing to Spitzer's wife now and she has no business doing that. She was just doing her job at the time.
Robin read a story about heroin being legal for some prescriptions in Switzerland. Howard said he already got e-mail from people telling him that Artie will probably move there. Artie said that he would probably do that stuff every day if he were living over there.
Robin asked Artie if he's ever used crystal meth before. Artie said he was told that there was some on a joint he smoked one time but he didn't feel any different when he smoked it. Robin said that people claim that you can get off of heroin if you do crystal meth because it'll make you forget all about everything else.
Robin said that Starbucks is doing a promotion to get people to give blood. She had some box office news about the ''Four Christmases'' movie being number one. That led to Howard playing a tiny bit of audio of Reese Witherspoon talking about the movie. Then some audio of Vince Vaughn led to Fred playing an Artie snoring clip. Howard asked the guys to wrap this up so they could get to the Wrap Up Show.
Robin had a couple more things to play before they ended it. Howard would play a little bit and then cut it off. Robin had a little bit more about the hydrogen powered vehicles. She read that stuff to Howard. Howard sounded kind of bummed by what she was reading to him. Howard thanked her for that and ended the show around 11:10am.
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Gary said Mike e-mailed him during vacation and then he told Howard about it and he spoke to him off the air. Gary said that he thought Mike didn't tell anyone there what was going on but then today they found out that Mike told almost everyone there what he was going to be doing today.
Gary said that Mike was in really bad shape the day he took the polygraph. He said he told Mike he really had to think this out before he came out on the air. Both he and Jon thought it would have been better if he had come out to everyone today instead of warning everyone ahead of time.
Jon asked Gary about his ''pre-promotion'' thing this morning. Gary said that he uses that all the time so he's not sure why they took it as far as they did.
Gary said that his son had called him right before that all started and he was trying to say ''go fuck yourself'' to the guys in the studio while he had his son on the phone. He had to tell him that he'd call him back later.
Benjy was laughing during the Mike segment so Jon asked him about that. Benjy said he was laughing at the fact that Mike was making this effort to get Life Beat to take Artie back. Gary said he was kind of bummed out about Benjy laughing and Artie really seemed to like that he was giving money to the charity.
Benjy said he thought that Artie could have done it more quietly if the wanted. Gary said that the Life Beat people didn't want it to come out on the air, that was up to Artie. Benjy asked why Mike wanted them to take it away before but now he wants them to take him back. Gary said that Mike was trying to get Artie to say that stuff back then just to get under his skin. Now he might think he was wrong for doing that and is trying to help get them to take Artie back.
Mike came in and said that he was proud of what Life Beat did when they stopped taking Artie's money. He said that he realized that Artie wasn't being affected though. It was the people that they're working to help that are being affected. Mike said that he thought that what he and Artie did was really shitty. He felt he had let Howard, Gary and himself down by doing what he did. Mike said that he wanted to do what he could to get them to change their minds about the whole thing.
Gary said that maybe someone's attitude has changed there and that's why they're looking to change things. Benjy still didn't seem to get why they were trying to change this. He was still laughing at the situation. Mike was trying to explain the whole thing but Benjy kept laughing. Mike said that he likes when he hears Benjy laughing off mic but not with this subject.
Mike said that the toughest thing was talking to his parents about this whole thing. Jon said that he and Gary were talking about how he told a lot of people around there what he was doing. Mike said that he knew he might be ruining the surprise but he wanted to let them know from him and not on the air so they wouldn't think it was a bit for the show.
Mike said that the first person he came out to was his boss Brad Driver. Mike said that his friend of 20 years just found out over the weekend. Mike said he wasn't so surprised but the guy never judged him in that way. He said that he's been friends with him since 3rd grade.
Mike said that he broke down crying when he heard that Brian McKnight song and he was just being honest this morning talking about it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he had a question for Mike about Artie's sister. He asked Mike if he would still bang Artie's sister on the show now that he's come out gay. Mike said that he wouldn't and he owes them apologies for what he's said about Artie's family. He said that it was said out of anger and he's sorry about that.
Another caller asked Mike if he would do a dial-a-date on the show if Howard proposed it. Mike said that he might think about it but not if it's three guys from Out Q. Gary said he gets what he's saying about that. Mike said he might think about doing something like that.
Benjy asked Mike who he thinks about when he's pleasuring himself. Mike said he'd have to give that some thought. He wasn't able to come up with anything.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he likes when Gary says something dumb and then Howard goofs on him and Gary starts to deflect. He said he loves that. Gary said that one of the greatest games on the show they do is when you can deflect to someone else on the show when you're being goofed on.
A caller told Mike to go be gay because everyone is gay. The caller said that even he's gay but only on Tuesdays.
Jon asked Richard to come in and explain why he asked Mike if he was attracted to Gary now that he's come out. Benjy said that a lot of gay guys are attracted to Gary but maybe he's lost his lustre. Gary said he may have lost that when he shaved off his moustache.
Richard came in and said that Gary is cocky about how gay guys like him. Richard said he brags about a heavy metal guy who he thinks was hitting on him in his office one day. Gary said he knows the guy was hitting on him. Richard said that he should be proud of that. Gary said that's not the issue. He said he doesn't walk around saying that he's god's gift to gay men.
Richard said Gary does seem proud that gay guys find him attractive. He said he's kind of jealous of that. Richard said he'd be flattered if a gay guy found him attractive. Gary said he just finds it funny when gay guys find him attractive.
Richard said he still thinks Gary is proud of that fact. He said that the Out Q people were on the show one day and Gary asked them if they found him attractive. He got all proud when one of them said they were attracted to him.
Gary told Richard that he could come out with the name of that rock star if he wanted to. Richard wasn't sure the guy wanted to be known for hitting on Gary.
Mike talked about seeing Richard's butt hole today. Mike said that he sees it enough on Howard TV, he doesn't need to see it in person.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Mike if he thinks that some of the stuff he does shows that he's gay. Like going to the Thriller Dance thing that he went to recently. Mike said he doesn't get why that is gay. Gary said there aren't a lot of straight guys who would go down and dance the Thriller dance like that.
Mike said that he was asked many times if he was gay on the show and he always denied it. Gary said that the first time they asked him was when he was part of the Intern Beauty Pageant which is usually made up of only female interns.
Another caller asked if they would ever set someone on fire on the show like Bubba did. Benjy asked if they did that because someone came out. Gary said he has no desire to set anyone on fire on the show.
Gary told Richard that if he thinks he's going to out that singer they were talking about earlier ''You've got another thing coming...'' Richard said that Gary would be ''Breaking the Law'' if he did. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon moved the guys along to the ''I Want to be Howard Stern'' contest and how Dante won that. Gary said he thought that Dante was the best out of the three finalists as a radio show host. He said that he thinks that ham Hands Bill is funny and they should give him a show 2 or 3 times a year. Benjy said he didn't hear the shows so he didn't want to vote. Richard said he thought they all did really well but he thought Dante did the best from what he heard from the clips.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what's up with this guy Dante winning it. He said he didn't think that he was the best of the three. He said that Ham Hands wasn't that great either. He said that Sam Tripoly and Nadar were the best. He said they had guests and did some good stuff and they should get the chance to do a show there. Gary said that he thought all three shows were totally worthy of being in the contest. He said Nadar and Sam were good with their show and so was Ham Hands Bill.
A caller said that nothing much has changed with Mike and Artie. He said that Mike is still a fag and Artie is still a fat heroin addict.
The caller also said that he didn't think Dante should have won. He thought that Ham Hands Bill was funny even during the end of the contest today when he was talking to the Klondike guys.
Jon took another call from a guy who brought up the Mike and Artie thing again. He said that Artie said that he hates hypocrites and he was right about Mike being one. Gary said that lying about being gay might not be being a hypocrite but there are reasons that people don't come out on the air. The caller said he doesn't think that Artie means it when he says that stuff in his act.
Another caller said that he doesn't think that they should give Artie the benefit of the doubt the way they do. They find out later that they're wrong about it. Gary said that they may have thought that Artie was on something but they don't have proof so they have to give them the benefit of the doubt. Gary said that everyone gave Mike the benefit of the doubt and they don't do that with everyone there. Gary asked the guy what he was supposed to do if he thought Mike was gay. The guy said that they should have said something about it on the air. Gary said that's what they do on the show all the time.
Gary asked the caller if he thinks that Artie is on drugs now. The caller said he hasn't been listening that much lately so he's not sure but he could be. Gary and Jon tried arguing with the guy but he was telling them that they should just say what they feel about people on the show instead of trying to find the good in people. Gary sarcastically said that's a really horrible trait to have, to try and find the good in people. Gary said that he is an easy person to fool on that front.
Jon asked Gary about JD and his Thanksgiving. Gary said it's kind of funny when JD is in his office yelling at Howard to stop talking about it on the air. Benjy asked when JD was ''abandoned'' like Howard says. Gary said he was probably 27 or something like that. Gary said Howard makes it sound like she didn't go to thanksgiving because JD was going to be there.
Richard said JD is pretty sensitive to all of this stuff and he's afraid that he's going to have to deal with it after the show.
Jon brought up that mom who called in to pimp her daughter to Artie. Gary said she's not looking for Artie to have sex with her, she's just looking for Artie to take care of her. Gary said he just laughs at it and it doesn't bother him at all.
Jon brought up the buffet discussion they had this morning too. Gary said that's what Howard should be talking to his therapist about. He said that he thinks that Howard's father's rules for things are what cause all of those issues. He said that his father has a way of holding a newspaper and how to eat at a buffet and that all got handed down to Howard when he was growing up. The guys spent a few seconds on that before they had to end the show.
Howard started off the show playing a voice mail that Artie left for Gary. Artie claims that he's sick and he swears that he's just sick. He claimed he's not on drugs and he's really just sick. Robin said ''Oh please!'' when she heard it. Robin said Artie isn't going to get well in a day.
Howard said he thinks that High Pitch Mike coming out knocked the wind out of Artie. He said a lot of people were writing in about Mike's revelation yesterday and they were saying it was no surprise. Howard read through a bunch of that stuff and a lot of people said they already knew he was gay so now they were expecting them to reveal that JFK was assassinated and other obvious things like that.
Robin said that it was a revolutionary thing for Mike to do that on the show so it was a big deal. There were some people who wrote in about how big of a deal it was. Howard read through some of that stuff as well. There was more than one person who said it took a lot of courage to do what he did. There was at least one fan who donated to the Matthew Shepard charity in Mike's name.
Howard said there was one point when Mike was talking when he started to laugh. He's not even sure why he did that. He said he turned his head to get his composure but he's not sure why he was laughing. He said it must be the absurdity of what they do on this show. Robin said Howard laughs when he sees people being very real on the show.
Howard said he had to get his shit together because Mike didn't need him busting his balls like that. Howard said he was able to get himself in line. Robin said she wasn't surprised when he came out.
Howard said when Artie was on drugs and calling Mike Gay, he never believed Mike was gay. Robin said that she believed him when he said he wasn't gay but when he came out and said he was gay, it didn't come as a surprise.
Gary said there was a guy on the Wrap Up Show yesterday who was saying that he and Howard are way too gullible when it comes to stuff like that. Howard said he might be right.
Howard brought up the Richard Belzer incident when he called out sick from the North Shore Animal League Dogcatemy Awards. Howard said he didn't believe him until Belzer came in and told him the details of what it was that caused him not to show up. He said he believed him when he told him that stuff but now he's thinking that Belzer was bullshitting him. Robin said that what he told them is believable because some people have a temporary thing. Howard never revealed what it was that Belzer told him.
Howard said he is gullible when it comes to this stuff. Robin said she wants to hear Artie's past voice mails compared to this new one. She wants to juxtapose them to see if there are any differences. Robin said that there are no illnesses that just come up so quickly. She said that he sounds like he's dead all of a sudden and she finds it hard to believe that it would come on so quickly with Artie. Howard said he's not saying anything because he's always wrong.
Howard said he has tape from back in 2000 where he predicts that Jackie will not re-sign with the show and he won't come back. Howard played the tape from December 15, 2000 where a phone caller asks about Jackie coming back to the show when he goes into negotiations. Howard says that Jackie will get angry when he doesn't get his money and he won't come back. Howard predicted that Jackie isn't going to get the money he's looking for and he's going to leave and not come back.
After playing the clip Howard said he thinks he was right about President Bush too. He said he was reading about Bush this morning and he seems to be saying that he may have been wrong for invading Iraq. Howard said he's feeling good about Barack now though.
Howard said he was reading about how fixed things are in the military and how any contract that gets signed with the military has to go through this one guy and it shows how fixed it is. Howard said these people are making tons of money and it's depressing to read about all of this stuff.
Howard and Robin ended up talking about Barack and John McCain for a short time. Robin said that she thinks that a lot of people who were voting for John McCain were only voting for him because they didn't want anymore taxes. Howard said she's being a little too general with that statement. Robin said she's not, that's all some people care about. She said that's what the people she speaks to were saying to her.
Howard said he doesn't want to get into politics and argue about that. No one cares and they don't know enough about it.
Gary told Howard he had a clip of Artie calling in sick back when he was on heroin to compare to the latest call. Howard played the ''Heroin Artie'' clip first. In that one Artie says that he's giving them more ammunition for the show. He says he's throwing up and going to the doctor. Artie also said he'd be in the next day. Then Howard played today's voice mail and Artie swears on the grave of his father that he woke up sick today. He had the same laugh and the same voice in that one. Artie swears he's not on drugs though.
Howard said he believes him when he hears that. Robin told him to listen to these two things, they're identical. Artie said he would try to be in tomorrow and said he was sorry. Robin said that they're the same thing. Howard said he did swear on the grave of his father though. Robin said that's what addicts do.
Howard said they're there again and he's not sure what to believe. Robin said that an addict will pull out the thing you'd never expect him to lie about. Howard said if tomorrow he comes in and he asks him if he'd swear on the life of his sister that he's not on anything, and he is, would he do that. Robin thinks that he would.
Howard played an edited version of one of his voice mails where they have Artie snorting heroin while he's calling in sick. Howard said they'll have to talk to Artie when he comes back in. Robin said that she was feeling good about Artie because he wasn't missing the day before vacation. This time he's missing a day after vacation.
Howard said they'll figure it all out when Artie comes back. He then played Sal and Richard's ''Artie Snorts Heroin'' song parody. He and Robin were laughing while that played.
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Howard played a new Bleeding Deacon's song about Robin's boobs called ''Squeeze Them Together'' to the tune of ''Come Together.'' Howard said he likes those guys coming up with new songs all the time.
Howard had King of All Blacks on the phone but he had a song parody that the Bleeding Deacons sent in months ago about High Pitch Mike. It was ''Mike Wants Cock And Balls All Night'' to the tune of ''I Want To Rock and Roll All Night.''
King of All Blacks asked Robin when it will be appropriate to wear his mink coat again. Robin didn't get the question. Howard said that a guy wearing a mink coat just isn't cool. King said it's just a jacket, not a long coat. Howard said it's still not cool. King said it is cool, it's a real mink coat. Howard said people have become so aware of the fur issue and people don't like to see that.
Howard told King to just wear it if he wants to. King said he wanted to know when he should wear it. Howard said it is kind of warm right now so maybe it is too early to do that. He told him to move up to Alaska so he can wear it all the time up there. King said he was going to take it out and wear it the other night but he figured it was too warm.
Howard said he has a new strategy for this winter. He has this great Phat Pharm coat that he got that's really warm. He said it looks very practical though and he hates being photographed in it. This year he's going to do the layered look. Howard said he has a down vest and some other stuff that he's going to wrap up in this year. King was asking him what brand the vest is but Howard didn't know. King said that he's so rich he doesn't even know what brand it is. Howard said he's not into labels and Ralph picks all of that stuff up for him.
Howard said he has a leather jacket to go over all of that stuff. Howard said he threw his Jack Daniels jacket in the garbage after he saw himself pictured in it in the paper after the marathon that Beth ran. He said he has money and doesn't need to be wearing that out in public. Howard said he's going to be very stylish this winter when people see him out.
Robin said someone she knows saw Howard out jogging in the park and he was wearing a hat and a babushka. Howard said he was trying to disguise himself but that obviously isn't working.
King asked Howard about some other clothes stuff and that led to Howard saying that King should lose a few pounds, that's what his motivation was to fit into his clothes. King said he got some work done on his face and has lost about 38 pounds. King said he got his nose touched up and now he's thinking of getting some stuff done to his eyes. He said he's got bags under his eyes and he wants to get something done. Howard asked him why he cares so much. King said people tell him he's nice looking and he doesn't want to get ugly. Howard told him to just lose weight first. King said that's what he's doing.
Robin said that when Artie was calling in a lot she figured he needed to go to the hospital if it was happening that often. Howard said he's figuring that Artie is out doing the book promotion and he may have been worn out from all of that.
Fred said that Artie caves into whatever it is when he comes under pressure. He said he thinks that Artie was drinking this time and not doing drugs. He said he can easily fall into drugs but this time he thinks it's booze.
Robin and Fred said that too much success for Artie is not a good thing. It leads to him doing stuff that leads him down the wrong road. They talked about some of the stuff Artie writes about in his book and how it happens when he gets too much success.
The guys brought up Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg and talked about him being arrested for that. Howard said they should have arrested those three guys from the auto companies when they flew on private jets to Washington DC to beg for a bail out.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a business with Artie's sick calls. The guy kept telling Artie that he was calling the wrong place but they had Artie keep going telling the guy that he wasn't going to be in. Robin said she loves that one. There was a second part to that call where they call the guy back with another Artie call and do the same thing to the guy.
Howard said the whole condom thing freaks King out but he does that so he doesn't have to get an operation and Beth doesn't have to take the pill. He said he doesn't like the pill and he wouldn't take one himself if he had to stop his period. Howard said he's sticking with his period.
Howard said some dude put it in his head that the vasectomy can cause all kinds of problems. Robin asked where the stuff is supposed to go that's not getting to the penis. Howard said he doesn't know and he's not going to get one.
Howard said that Beth has told him not to use the condoms but he doesn't want her to have to use an IUD or something like that. Robin said that would be a foreign object inside of Beth so that's not good either. Howard said he used to use a diaphragm when he was with one woman when he was about 18. He said he used to make it part of having sex to put the thing in. He said he's not sure he'd want to be doing that now. Howard said he doesn't trust any of that stuff.
Howard talked about this girl he was dating and how free she was with her body. Howard said they did some crazy shit when they'd have sex. Howard said they were always doing the 69 thing and stuff like that. Howard said he was in love with that chick and she ended up dumping him for a guy who had a bigger dick. He said he was so into her and she had a great body. Howard said she was everything he wanted. He wanted to devour her. They were having sex like 5 times a day.
Howard said that girl broke up with him and told him that she had met a guy with a big penis and red hair. Howard said he sounded like Bozo the clown to him.
Howard said he went out and banged an ugly chick to get back at the hot chick. Howard said this chick had a 10 body but a zero face. He said that he hoped that no one saw him with her because she was so ugly. Howard said that even that face couldn't stop him from finishing fast. He said that Janet Reno is a 10 compared to this girl. He said he even went back for seconds with that chick.
Howard said he tried to get in touch with this hot chick but she's got a family now and she's a couple of years older than him so she must look like a train wreck at this point. Howard said he doesn't know what happened. Howard said this girl can't possibly look good. He said it would have been funny to have her on the show to yell at her for leaving him. Howard said he guarantees that she's divorced now and looks awful. Howard said she's probably been the victim of husband abuse too. He said he hopes that she married the red head with the big cock.
Howard said there's no way that chick stayed in a relationship because she was just too free. He said he thinks that he may have spoken to her on the phone and she told him she didn't want anything to do with him. Howard said that may have been another woman. He wasn't sure. Howard said he'd like to interview this hot one though.
The caller said he went in to have something removed and this blonde with big tits came into the room and told him to take his pants off. He said they gave him a sheet to cover up with and had him lay down. The guy, Pete from Pittsburgh, said that he had to have some warts removed. He said they were around his genitals but he didn't think they were genital warts. Howard and Robin figured they were though.
Howard asked Pete what happened next. The guy said that she was checking his penis out and he was kind of getting aroused while she was checking it so she was working on the warts and freezing them. Then she started tugging on his penis. He got hard and she continued to go until he came. He said no words were spoken but she was breathing heavier as the surgery was going on.
Howard said that's kind of weird that she was removing genital warts and getting hot for the guy. Pete said that she made him feel great that day. Pete said he didn't say anything to her after that. She told him to go ahead and clean himself up after that and that was about it. He said he has another appointment on January 23rd.
Pete said that maybe he should put her head down there next time. Howard said he can't push her head down there. Pete said that he was embarrassed about the whole situation and that's the way she handled him. Howard said he would have called her and asked her out on a date. Pete said he's been thinking about her every day since that happened. He said the whole office is full of hot chicks but he doesn't want to tell them about why he's there.
Howard said that broad could be making a ton of money too. Howard said he actually believes this guy's story too. Howard asked what they charged for the wart removal. Pete said he's not sure what the full amount was but it may have been $500 or so.
Howard wondered what he would do if someone started to jerk him off at the doctor's office. Howard said that a guy like that isn't going to get a super hot doctor like that. Pete said that he thinks that maybe she has an older husband and she's getting tired of that. Howard asked if she had a glove on. Pete said that he assumes that she did but he didn't actually see her doing it. Pete said that he just felt what she was doing. He said that his penis and balls were numb because they were doing the operation.
Pete said that this chick wasn't a 10 but she was probably a 7 or maybe a 6.8. He said she was a little over weight but she had big tits and her nipples were kind of showing through her outfit. Howard asked how he saw her tits. Pete said that she had monster nipples and they were poking through.
Pete said that she left the room immediately after. He said the assistant was even better looking than the doctor. He said that they should forget the Bunny Ranch and go to the dermatologist. Robin figured that they should keep the area very clean during this stuff. Pete said that it was a simple surgery so they didn't have to keep it that clean.
Howard said this guy is going to be jerking off to this story for the rest of his life. Robin said he should tell his grand kids about this one. Howard told him to give her a call today and ask her to check him to make sure she got all of the warts. Pete said that they could just say that all of this was medical and she wasn't actually jerking him off.
Howard said he's not sure what he would do if something like that happened to him. Howard said he would have to tell Beth about it. Robin said that would destroy her.
Pete said that he's about 6 inches and he went in a little chubbed up. Howard said he does that too when he goes to the doctor.
Howard said he's never even gotten a hand job from a masseuse. Pete said that story about Beth almost getting fingered by her masseuse was really hot. Howard said he blew it with that chick. He thinks that he could have gotten a hand job from her. Howard said with his luck he would get jerked off by a male dermatologist. Howard said that if he got jerked off by a female dermatologist, would he go back for the follow up. Robin said he wouldn't be able to do that.
Pete said he's worried that this chick listens to Howard and she'll know who he is. Howard told the guy to call back after the next appointment to let them know what happens.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what the dermatologist's name is. Howard said they can't say that on the air. The guy also asked Pete if he moaned during the process. Pete said it happened very quickly so there wasn't much time for that.
Howard let Pete go and told him that was a great story. He said he's never had a story like that in his life. He said Benjy probably has had something like that happen to him. Benjy said he has the opposite story. He said that his doctor refused to look at his cock and he had to go to another one to get it looked at. He said that he had a lump on there that turned out to be an ingrown hair. Howard asked what kind of doctor won't look at him like that. Benjy said she's good other than that one time. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and had Joey Pajamas on the phone. He's written a bunch of song parodies for them and he's got a legitimate album out now so he wanted to let him promote that. Howard said Joey did the ''Fred'' song so he played that. He played Joey's ''Sal's a Mo, A Homo'' song after that.
Howard asked Joey how long he's been sending them songs. He said he's been doing it since the K-Rock days. Joey said that he sent some in for a contest at K-Rock years ago and didn't even get a mention back then. He said he thought it was a winner back then. He said his song was about licking Robin's back door and they told him that licking wasn't acceptable but ''Lovin'' was.
Howard said that Joey also sent in a song about Artie and played that one. He played ''In Your Anus,'' ''Everybody Loves a Blow Job'' and a version of The Beetlejuice Song. It was a country version of the song. Howard played that one and then talked about ''Anal Receiver'' which was another big one he's sent in. Joey said that one wasn't about anyone in particular, it just came to him. Howard said they should have played that for High Pitch Mike yesterday. Howard played ''Fag, Fag, You're a Homo'' after that.
Howard said that Joey has written a million songs. He played some of his older stuff. He played ''I Just Crapped In My Pants Tonight'' after that. Howard played ''She's Always a Stripper To Me'' and a couple of others.
Joey got in a plug for his band ''Baldwin Drive'' and said that they have a CD out now. He said the album is ''Orange and Black'' and the web site is BaldwinDriveMusic.com and JoeyPajamas.com.
Howard played some of the CD and found out that Joey has been picked up by a record company so they're available on iTunes and amazon.com. Howard wrapped up with Joey a short time later.
Howard played another one that the guy wrote about watching TV to the tune of Green Day's Basket Case. Howard said that song is so great that even this guy performing the song gave him the chills.
Howard said he's thinking about writing some songs to the tune of Green Day songs. He wanted to sing about his childhood in Roosevelt and stuff. Fred picked up a guitar and played some Basket Case for Howard while he sang about black people moving into his neighborhood.
Howard said they could go to schools and perform those songs. Robin said that the kids would pelt them with stuff if they did. Howard asked Fred to play another Green Day song but Fred didn't know what to go with. Howard started to sing to the tune of ''Boulevard of Broken Dreams'' so Fred tried to follow along. Howard was singing about accepting gay kids. Then he was going to sing about beating off to Gilligan's Island.
Howard played another one of that guy's songs where he sings about going to the library. Gary told him to try track 5. The guy sings a song to the tune of a KISS song, ''I Wanna Rock And Roll All Night,'' but it was about kids reading books and watching TV. That led to Howard singing about Muslims and how we have to accept them.
Gary told Howard he wasn't that out of line with songs like that. He said that they had a thing at his kid's High school a couple of weeks ago where they taught them about not calling other kids names. Gary said that they could book an hour long show at a school like that. Howard said he'd love to do something like that even if he made just $500.
Howard played another one of the songs from this guy's CD where he sings about going to the library to the tune of ''Anarchy in the USA.'' Howard said he could sing about wearing a rubber or something like that to that. Fred said they could come up with a bunch of different things to sing about. Howard said he could do Van Halen but sing about wearing a rubber.
A caller told Howard that they actually have this kind of stuff in schools. He said his wife teaches and she's told him about this stuff. He said that this guy sells tons of CDs doing that stuff. Robin said she has to get in on it then. Howard said he'd like to just be able to go out and sing with his band. He'd love to be able to do that.
Howard said they could bring Gary the Retard out on the road and sing about being friends with retards. The caller told him to bring Eric the Midget out on the road with them and sing about being friends with midgets. Howard said he could sing about chlamydia and things like that. He and Fred played some Led Zeppelin and sang about that.
Howard said that they could do a lot of different songs out on the road. They could have the whole Wack Pack come out and sing their ''We Are The Wack Pack'' song. Howard played the song after bringing it up. They could have Wendy the Retard, High Pitch Eric, Jeff the Drunk and others.
Howard said that this is his exit strategy for getting out of radio. He could go out on the road with this whole thing. He said he could teach the kids about transgender people like Siobhan.
Howard said that Mike Gange has a hot doctor that works on TV. He said that Mike has been naked in front of her. Gary said that Mike wasn't there this morning to talk about it.
Howard told Robin to take off her glasses and close her eyes. She did that but told them not to put it on the web site. Howard told her that they were falling off. Fred agreed. Robin said that maybe they are. Howard had the Howard TV guys play it back for her. Robin said they looked fine there.
Robin said that maybe they are coming off. Howard told her she doesn't need that stuff on her. Robin said she's just fooling around with it. Howard asked when she puts them on. Robin said she glues them on when she gets there. Robin said she's just trying out the idea and she may not stick with it.
Howard told her she looks like a stripper that just got Bukkake'd. Robin said it did kind of look like she just got off of work as a hooker.
Howard said the story in the paper that bothers him is about this 9 year old kid who wrote about how to pick up girls. A legitimate publishing company picked it up and published the book about this 9 year old's dating tips. Howard said that irritates the crap out of him that a 9 year old is getting chicks and got a book deal out of it.
Howard read the story about this 9 year old and how he's able to pick up chicks because he's a cute 9 year old. Howard said he wants to read the book that Benjy would write about how he gets laid. That makes more sense. Howard said that this kid's dick doesn't even work yet. Howard said if the kid has banged chicks already, then he'll read the book. Robin figured that the kid's dad must have written the book for him.
Howard said that this Miley Cyrus chick irritates the crap out of him too. He said he thought they were done with this Billy Ray Cyrus guy after that awful song of his. Now the guy has gotten his kid in show business and both of them have become important all of a sudden.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Billy Ray and his daughter. He said that Achy Breaky Heart song was awful. Fred said the guy didn't even write the whole song. He said he only came up with the words ''Achy Breaky.'' Fred said that someone else wrote the song for the guy.
Howard said that Billy Ray is letting his daughter hook up with a 20 year old guy so it's obvious who the boss is there. Howard said that she's making 50 billion dollars and she's telling him what to do. Howard ended up playing the awful song and said that he thinks America has changed when they actually like this shit.
Howard sang along to the song and made the lyrics go along with his educational program that he and Fred were working on. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard told the guy he was going to let him play a game for the chance to win $1,000. They had more of the Beetlejuice game for him to play. The caller, Robert, had to guess if Beetlejuice could identify animal sounds. Howard played a rooster sound and asked Robert what he thinks. Robin figured he'd know. Robert said he's going to say he will know it. Beetlejuice had no idea what it was. Howard told the guy his year just got worse, he lost. Howard gave him another try. In the next clip Richard played a frog sound for Beetlejuice. Robin and Fred said they think he'll know it. Robert went with Fred on that. Beetlejuice knew it was a frog.
Howard let Robert go and played more of the Beetlejuice game. Next up was a crow sound. Beet knew it was a bird.
Howard said he's not sure if he's trying to raise money for a charity or anything. Robin said that maybe he is. The guy says he will send out t-shirts to anyone who does sponsor him. Howard said he's not looking to get involved in any of this.
Howard said that he knows this is a personal goal of this guy's but he doesn't want to be dragged into it. Howard said they say that a couple of dogs die during this race so he doesn't really want part of that either.
Howard figured that Jason was over 300 pounds but Jason said he's around 290. Jason said his wife saw the weight limit thing on the horse back riding thing and told him he was over weight. Jason said he wasn't even in the top 20 of the fat guys there. He said that he didn't feel so fat there because there were so many others who were fat.
Howard had Jason get on the scale in the studio so he could weigh him. He was 296 pounds. Jason didn't even believe that. Howard asked him what's going on with him. Jason said he's just lazy. He eats bad and he's lazy. Howard also found out Jason smokes a lot of weed.
Jason said he hooked up with a guy on the beach down there so he could get some weed. Jason said that the guy he found offered him coke too.
Howard heard that Jason put Nair on his back to get rid of the hair. Jason said that he did and it worked pretty easy. He said the stuff stinks and he had to have his wife help him out with the hair removal. Jason said the hair is long and dark and you have to use wet towels to remove it. Jason said the hair just wipes off of your skin and then it's all over the towels. He said it's really embarrassing and gross.
Jason said that the last time he had his back waxed the woman ended up charging him extra and made fun of him the whole time. He said that they were going to charge $50 but then raised it to $75 and then to $100 after she started working on him.
Howard played the Yucko bit where he's out in Rockefeller Center interviewing people walking around. He insults people and yells at them in that very special Yucko way. Howard said that the people over there don't know what to make of Yucko when he does that stuff.
Howard said they're going to meet a girl from the Bunny Ranch soon who is selling herself... but she's pregnant.
Gary said he's not sure if it's true or not but he heard that Jeff was upset that he hadn't been on the show in 2008. Howard said that he thinks he has been there this year. Howard and Robin said that they should have a contest where they make him get a job and keep it for a year.
Howard played a creepy porn clip where a woman is talking about what she looks like with a very odd Spanish accent and speech impediment. Howard said she sounds like a prisoner or something. The woman talks about her pussy always being wet and some other stuff like that but it sounded really odd coming from this woman.
Howard had Siobhan on the phone so he picked up on him. Siobhan said he had a lot of stuff to talk about. She said that she wanted to know if Benjy would go out with her. Benjy asked why she would think that he'd want to go out with her. Siobhan said she'd like to see what Benjy would do on a date. Benjy said she might make for a great wingman or wing-it.
Siobhan said that she would like to make appearances at people's parties like the wack pack does. She said you can find her at KatFarm.com. She said she does caricatures of people if they want that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to talk about the ball busting they do on the show and who can and can't take it. He said that Ronnie seems to be the one who can't take it at all but he can dish it out all he wants. The guy said that he was creeped out seeing him on that Howard TV Ronnie special when he was at Rick's Cabaret.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he had two things about Beth. He asked if it bothers him that guys whack off to Beth's image. Howard said he's complimented by that. He said it doesn't bother him at all. Howard said there's a picture of Beth in a thong that's out there that shows her ass and really turns him on.
The caller asked how much shit he caught for kissing Marcia Brady. Howard said she didn't tongue him or anything. It was no big deal. That guy gave them a ''Fuck the FCC'' as he was saying goodbye. Howard said that they don't even think about the FCC these days. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that this pregnant chick from the Bunny Ranch is really hot. Robin said that she really is hot except for that bump. Howard said she's working at the Bunny Ranch full time and this isn't just a one time thing.
Howard had the guys bring in this pregnant chick. He asked her to pull up her dress to show the bump. Howard said it was definitely real. Howard asked her to give a bit of her background. Howard asked how old she is. She said that she's 20. Howard asked how many guys she's been with. She said she's only been with 3 guys before she started working at the Bunny Ranch.
Alana said that she lost her virginity to a boyfriend and she wasn't the town slut or anything. Alana said her dad was the mayor so guys were always hitting on her and stuff. Howard asked Alana about the father of this kid. The guy claims that he's only willing to pay her $25 a month for child support. Alana said that she doesn't want to get an abortion so that's why she's going to keep it and keep on working. Alana said that her mother is very supportive of the whole thing and she doesn't have a problem with what she's doing.
Howard had the father of this kid on the phone. He asked him why he doesn't pony up and pay for the kid. the guy, Everett, said that she was sleeping with every guy she could find. He said that she claims she was only with 3 guys. He was also saying that he's not going to pay for this kid until he sees a DNA test. Alana said that's fine.
Howard asked Alana what it's like with the guys there at the Bunny Ranch. She said that she hasn't had a lot of guys there, she's only worked one day. She didn't want to say what kind of money she was making there though.
Howard asked Alana if the guys are gross there. She said that some of them are very attractive. She said she only did one guy so far though. She said the guy kept rebooking and rebooking that day though.
Alana said that she can't do anything too crazy there and she's not into anal but she doesn't know what might happen if a guy gets her worked up enough. Robin had something like that happen to her and that led to the guy giving her anal without lube. Robin said she was all worked up in that region so that's how she got wet.
Alana said that she's 7 months along and Howard thought that was pretty far to be doing this kind of thing. Howard asked Everett if he's upset about this. Everett said that she's a sick bitch. Howard said that it could be his kid. Everett said that this is some sick shit. Howard asked Alana if she's going to tell the kid what she did to support herself. Alana said that it's a girl and she may tell her some day when it's age appropriate.
Alana said that she grew up watching HBO and saw some stuff on Tyra Banks Show that led to her doing this. She said that they have to have weekly STD checks and stuff and she's not doing anything to hurt the baby.
Howard said that he's thinking that he might be siding with the FCC now that he's heard that she did all of this after watching HBO and the Tyra Banks Show. Alana said that her doctor told her that she was fine to go out and have sex while she's pregnant. She said that he told her that a sex life is good to have even when you're pregnant.
Robin asked how long she expects to work. She said that she thinks she's going to work throughout January since she's due in February. Alana said that she doesn't have any milk coming out yet but guys have asked her to squirt it on them.
Alana said that she likes girls and she did some stuff with a girl there at the Bunny Ranch. Howard wondered when Child Services are going to take the kid away. He said that this is big news to have a pregnant girl at the Ranch like that.
Howard asked Everett about the $25 he offered. He said that he's willing to take care of this kid if it's really his but he's not sure it is. Howard asked how sex was with Alana. He said that she's like a log and just lays there. She said she didn't know that 30 seconds was long enough to just ''lay there.'' She said that she never really came from him doing her either.
Howard asked Alana if she's going to tell her daughter that her father is quick on the trigger. She said that she has 2 other kids and he's waiting on a DNA test with one of those too. Howard asked if they wore condoms. She said that they never did use one.
Howard found out that this guy was 25 when he started dating her and he started dating her when she was 14. The last girl he knocked up was 16 from what they said.
Howard asked if Alana is going to let Everett name the child. She said she's already picked out the name Kylie and she's not letting him pick it. Everett said that was a nice name so he was fine with it.
Alana told Howard that Everett still lives at home and they actually did it in his parent's bed. Howard said this guy really sounds like a winner. Howard said that he thought that getting a job and an apartment would impress a woman. He must have been wrong.
Howard thanked Everett for calling in and let him go. Howard told him he's looking forward to his book on how to pick up women.
Howard asked Alana when she's due. She said she's due on February 14th. Howard asked if her boobs have gotten bigger. She said that they have gotten pretty big. They went from a C to a D. She said that she has implants and she was a B before that. She went to a D and now she's a D. She said she weighs 120 pounds and she's 5'6'' tall.
Howard asked if Alana has gotten that ass spread that some pregnant women get. She said that she hasn't. A caller asked if her breasts are really tender. She said they're not. The guy said his wife got like that but then toward the end she was asking him to squeeze them really hard.
Alana said that she told her father about what she was going to be doing and he wanted to talk to her about what she was doing. She said she had to tell her dad not to pick up Hustler magazine anytime soon either because she's doing that soon.
Howard asked Alana if she wanted to ride the Sybian. She said she's always horny and can't get her mind off of sex so she's willing to do it. Howard said that she'd be the first pregnant woman to ever do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they could do double penetration on her if he brought a friend. Alana said she's open to things but she doesn't want anyone to break her. The caller said that both he and his friend are huge. He said he's 10 inches and his friend is 11. Howard asked if she could handle that. She said she's not sure.
Howard wondered if the Sybian was unsafe for a pregnant woman. The thing vibrates a lot. Gary thought it would be fine. Tim Sabean came in and said that he'd be worried about having her ride it. Sal came in and said that he knew a woman who sat on a lawn mower to have an abortion.
Howard asked Alana to get naked for them. He said that he didn't think that they had ever had a pregnant woman get naked in there. Howard said that she's a good looking girl but she's got a baby in there. He had her strip down anyway. Alana stripped down and Will said he was way into her. Gary said he was being slowed down by the bump a little bit. Alana said that she was told that she'll get a lot tighter and wetter while she's pregnant.
Howard said that this is going to be controversial and told her to be careful out there at the Bunny Ranch. Howard gave her some plugs for Alana and said she'll be back at the Bunny Ranch as of tomorrow. She's right back to work by tomorrow morning. She said she's going to work every day that she can out there. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he had some information about Alana's father who she said was a mayor. He read about that guy and he seemed to be a good dude from what he was reading.
Howard had Steve Langford come in after that. Steve said that Artie isn't there today and they'll have more on that. Howard asked Steve what his opinion is about Artie not being there. Steve said he doesn't have any facts so he can't really guess. Steve said that there is great history there but he only knows what they know. Robin said that Artie looked fine yesterday. She asked Steve if he's ever seen him sick before. Steve didn't have an answer.
Howard was asking Steve if his nose for news was telling him anything. Howard ended up talking about how his nose tells him a lot of stuff like how it's too big. Then he said that his nose speaks to him in Hebrew.
Howard asked Steve what he thinks is going on. Steve didn't get a chance to answer. Howard said he thinks that Artie runs himself down doing all of this other stuff for his career and then he doesn't show up for the job that's pushing all of it.
Jon Hein said he thinks that this time it's legit. Howard said he agrees with him on that. Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Artie is back on something. He said he heard that voice mail this morning and his buddy gives him the same giggle that Artie used in that. The guy said his friend thinks he's getting over on them but it doesn't work.
Steve got to his news preview and said that Artie's book was at number 1 on the NY Times Bestseller list last week and he's scheduled to do an appearance on The Best Damn Sports Show tonight. Howard said that's it, that's why Artie is out today. He's over worked. Steve said that Artie's web site is also down for updates.
Steve said that they have more about the Geo Group that runs private prisons like the one that detained Kenneth Keith Kallenbach. There were a few other things that he quickly mentioned.
Jon Hein ran down his list of subjects they were going to try and cover today on the Wrap Up Show. Howard let him go after that.
Howard had Fred start Robin off with a song parody. He then read some e-mail about the Guns N' Roses album they played yesterday and how Robin wasn't giving it much of a chance before saying she didn't like it. The fans went off on her telling her to shut the fuck up.
There were some e-mails about their Mumbai, hydrogen cars, and other stuff that they discussed yesterday. They went through that and then Howard had Robin start her news.
Robin was about to get into the news when they brought up the Celebrity Rehab show. Robin said that she's gotten addicted to that show. They talked about Amber Smith for a short time and how her mother looks kind of like Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life show. Howard said he didn't know Amber was so fucked up when she was doing his movie. He said he should have banged her at some point. Howard said she wouldn't even talk to him when she was doing the movie. He said she was hardly on the set.
Robin got to her news and read a story about a thank-you ring that was made for Barack Obama to give to his wife for her support of him for the past two years. Howard said that sounds more like a ''excuse me when I cheat on you'' ring.
Robin read a story about homosexuality and how it's in people's genes. Scientists think that it could be both genetic and environmental factors. She read through a list of things like more gay men being left handed, their hair swirling in a counterclockwise rotation and other stuff.
Robin was reading some news about some TV shows when Howard asked if she's liking Heroes now. Robin said she's not sure what to think about that show right now. They also talked about how cool True Blood was. Howard said that he liked the final episode of the season.
Robin read a story about a kid who killed himself on the internet while they were away. Howard said he read about that and the people were egging the guy on to actually do it. They spent a short time on that subject.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Howard that he hasn't been on the show all this year. Howard said that he thought his ass thing was this year. Jeff said that was last year. He said it was way back in May of 2007. Howard said he didn't know that. He told Jeff that he'll look into it today during the staff meeting. Howard said they'll have a big meeting about having Jeff on the show.
Robin read some news about President Bush doing some exit interviews now that he's only got 49 days left in office. Howard said the transition time is ridiculous in this country. He said that it shouldn't be months to get the guy out of office. She also had some news about Barack Obama announcing some people he's appointing.
Robin read some other news about the trampling death at a Wal-Mart out on Long Island. She had some audio of some cops talking about the warnings the store had ahead of time that this could get out of control.
Robin had some music news and had Howard playing a song that was in the news. Howard thought that JD liked it so JD ended up coming in and dancing to some Techno music that Fred played. Howard said he liked JD's moves and tried to do the same. JD was trying to teach him how to do it. Howard wondered if he had to put that dopey look on his face too. JD said he got that move from Will who is apparently a good dancer.
Robin had some news about Guns N' Roses new album and how it didn't perform quite as well as expected. Robin had some news about Britney Spears and had Howard playing some audio of her. Howard said it's like the ramblings of a mental patient listening to those clips.
Robin said that Marg Helgenberger and her husband are splitting. Howard said he knows Marg and that's too bad. Robin said Ivana Trump just had a huge wedding at Donald Trump's place in Florida. Howard said that her guy looks like he's about 20 and Ivana is looking older now. He said the guy looked like he wanted a hand job from any woman in the place other than Ivana.
Robin said that Tina Fey's husband has talked about the scar on her face. Howard said he wanted to get into it with her but she didn't seem interested. It turns out when Tina was 5 years old someone slashed her for no reason. Howard said it's a painful memory for her so that's why she doesn't talk about it much.
Robin had some audio of Samuel L. Jackson talking about a new movie he's in. She had the director of Slum Dog Millionaire talking about his movie too. Robin read about the new Punisher movie that's coming out. Howard said he would go see one if they put it together in a serious manner instead of the horse shit they put out.
Robin said that Josh Brolin is in a new movie called ''Milk.'' She had some audio of him talking about that. She also read some news about the Chronicles of Narnia. Howard said that title sounds really gay. He said he doesn't like talking lions. He said he saw some of it and didn't like it from what he remembers. Robin said that Peter Dinkledge did the movie and had him talking about wearing the prosthetics to do the part. They ended the show a short time later, around 10:45am.
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Gary said that Artie could be going through the same stuff he has gone through before in his life and maybe something is going on. He just doesn't know for sure.
Benjy said he doesn't know either but he doesn't think that anyone there would bet that Artie is doing something right now.
Gary said that he and Artie don't talk much off the air anymore these days. He's got a lot going on. He said it seems that Artie's enthusiasm for his therapist is kind of waning lately and that scares him.
Gary said he's been fooled before and maybe he's being fooled again. Benjy said that maybe they could put Ken the intern on the spot and ask him what's going on. Jon asked Teddy about it instead. Teddy said that the schedule for Artie in November was insane and he predicted he was going to miss a day back then. He said they worked 20 straight days without a break and he was exhausted himself. He said maybe Artie really wasn't well over the break and he did get sick.
Gary said that he thinks that Artie called while he was in the shower so it must have been around 4:15 or 4:30. He wasn't sure exactly when it was. Benjy said that Artie may not have gotten enough sleep over vacation and that got to him. Gary said he did make it to work yesterday so that can't be it.
Teddy said he spoke to Artie's assistant and they told him that the Best Damn Sports Show is being rescheduled. Gary said that Howard would be pissed if Artie did that show tonight. Jon said that Howard did say that he would be pissed.
Teddy said they have a book signing to do tomorrow and he imagines that he'll be there at work tomorrow and there for the book signing.
Benjy asked why Artie wouldn't just come out and admit it if he was on heroin. Gary said that would make him almost unhireable if he did something like that.
A caller said that he thinks Artie is legit this time because he swore on his father's grave. The guy said he believes him because of that. The guys weren't sure about that but Benjy said that he thinks it's a big deal to Artie and he might do that. Gary said he doesn't think it's that big of a deal to Artie that it would stop him from lying.
Gary said that Artie might be telling them that to get them to think he's telling the truth. Gary said that he might push that line if he wants them to believe them.
Teddy was defending Artie saying that he probably got worn out. Jon said that they all get sick there but they also all show up for work. Gary said that Artie has missed 5 days this year so far and missed 7 last year. Gary said that he's only missed one day there at SIRIUS and he, Fred and Robin probably haven't missed 12 days combined in the past 10 years. Teddy said that Artie will be in tomorrow and he is sick. Gary said that he thinks he'll be in tomorrow too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard isn't going to do anything about this because they only have 2 years left to go. Gary said that if Artie did leave the show could go on with no problem. He said they wouldn't want to do that though.
Gary said he thinks that Howard would tell Artie that he has to get help if he is back on drugs again. He might tell him he needs to go to rehab.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that sometimes he falls off the wagon from using Suboxin. He said when you're using it you can try taking the Suboxin but it doesn't always work immediately. He said that an addict might have to get through a whole day before he can feel fine. The guy said that you can't just take it all at once and get over it.
Gary said he pictures Artie sleeping and snoring like a mother fucker right now as all of this is going on. Another caller said that Artie hasn't been sleeping on the show lately and he thinks that he's just beat up from the book tour. The caller said that Robin should get on a lie detector and say what she really feels about Artie.
Ass Napkin Ed called in and said that he spoke to Artie last night and he told him that he had a bunch of bats in his apartment. He said that maybe he got bitten and got rabies. Gary said they took their chances talking to Ed and it didn't work.
Jon took a call from a guy who told them to call Artie now and find out what's going on. Gary said they're not going to do that.
One caller said that Artie sitting around signing books isn't all that strenuous. Jon said it's getting there and going home and stuff like that which gets to a person. Gary said that there's a mental stress that goes along with all of that. It's not heavy work but it is tiring. The caller said that enough is enough and maybe he should go away for a month and get better.
Jon took a call from another guy who said that it's time to have Artie piss in a cup to make sure he's not on something. He said he loves Artie and he'd hate to see him die. Gary said Artie has offered to be tested before. He said he doesn't think he'd have a problem with that. Gary said he's not even sure what to test Artie for. The caller said he's sure something would pop up if they tested him.
Benjy said that Artie has said he'll take a test but not a test that shows what he's done in the past. Gary said he's not sure what he could possibly have done that he doesn't want them to find out about.
A caller went off on Jon and Gary about the way they're talking about Artie like they want him off the show. Jon said they didn't say they want him off the show. The guy continued to go off on them even though they weren't saying that they want him off the show. The caller said that they have to put up with that shit from Artie because he is so great on the show. Gary said they really don't have to put up with it, he's wrong about that.
The caller also went off on them for not paying Artie enough there. He said he's figured it out on his own and they're not paying him more than half a million. Gary said that he doesn't know that. The guy said that it doesn't give Howard a free pass on not paying the guy.
Gary said he wasn't even sure how to discuss this when he's making up dollar amounts that he doesn't know. The caller said that he's smart and figured it out. Gary said that he might be smart but he's yelling.
Gary asked the guy why Artie would stay if he felt he was being mistreated. The caller said that Fred is making more money than he would be making if he wasn't on the show but he deserves more of a piece of the pie. Jon asked how he can say that when he has no idea how much he's making. The caller said that Fred has said that he doesn't have enough to retire on.
The caller continued to make assumptions about what Artie is doing and why he stays there. Jon said that if you have a job that you don't think you're getting paid enough for, just leave. Gary asked the guy what he does for a living. He said he drives a cab. Gary asked him if he makes enough doing that. The caller said of course he doesn't. Gary asked him why he continues to do it then. The guy said that he can't expect to make more doing that job. Gary and the caller went back and forth on that for a few minutes without agreeing on anything. They let him go a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Howard let it slip today that he wears a condom with Beth because he's afraid of getting herpes. Gary laughed and said that the reason he wears one is because he doesn't want to have kids.
Another caller said that there's only one way this is going to end with Artie. He's going to end up like John Belushi or Chris Farley. He said Howard has to sit him down and tell him to get clean. Gary asked the guy what Howard would do if Artie said he's not going to rehab. The guy said they have to fire him. They have to do tough love with him and get him to get help.
Gary said that they can't tell Artie to go get help just for getting fat. Unless they find a heroin needle on the floor of the studio or something, they really can't force the guy to do anything. The caller said that this is like a family member doing this over and over again behind their backs. He said he's spiraling out of control and they need to get him some help.
Gary said that if Artie misses a day or two here and there he's not going to be hurt financially. He's not being docked his pay. Jon said that Artie has said that he thinks he has a good work ethic but there is no consequence for him missing work.
Benjy asked why Artie wouldn't just go to rehab. Gary said he's been there and he's not sure why he won't go. Jon said that they're assuming that he's using right now and that's a big step. Jon said that if they do go to him and tell him to go to rehab, are they going to be comfortable doing that. Gary said that Artie isn't going to do it just because they ask him to.
Jon said that no one there wants to see Artie become Farley. He said that they want Artie to get better and not have anything like that happen. Gary said he just wants Artie to get better and be on the show. The caller said that Artie has to put the show on the back burner and concentrate on other things.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Artie is disrespecting the show by not coming in. He said that Artie has to work just 4 days a week and this is his main job. He said he never calls in sick himself and you just have to show up to work if you're feeling sick. The previous caller was saying that he's not disrespecting the show in his opinion. He said maybe Artie has demons in his life that he needs to take care of and he needs to do that to save his life. One of the callers said he thinks that Artie is still using. The other guy said that he might be right. They had to go to break after that.
Teddy said that JD is a star when they go to the Artie signings and comedy shows. He thinks that he's going to be working for JD some day.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he can't believe how naive they are there. He said that no drug addict wants to go to rehab. He also said that the companies he's worked for don't like to look bad even if they have no rules. They have to think about how far they have to let Artie go before they do something. Jon said they don't know what's really wrong with Artie so they can't say. The caller said that they have to tell Artie that they have to tell him to get help or move along. Jon said Artie is already in intensive outpatient rehab.
The caller said that he knew that Artie was going to get sick after hearing Artie the past few shows. Jon said that he doesn't see that. He said Artie has been pretty awake for the past month. The caller said that before he was sleeping on the show he was always tired. Jon said that he's still doing stand-up and the book signings though. That could be wearing him out.
The caller said that they have to watch Artie and not give him the benefit of the doubt all the time. He kept asking how far they're going to let it go before they do something. Jon thanked him for the call and moved on.
Jon asked JD about the pregnant whore that was on the show today. JD said that she was very cute. Her boobs were looking a little ''off'' to him. They talked about her not taking the Sybian ride and JD said he looked it up and they said that it wasn't recommended for pregnant women.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Artie looked terrible out in L.A. and he has to be on something. She said that they should test him tomorrow. Jon said that Artie has said he'd be willing to take a lie detector test. She said they never take him up on that though. The caller said that he'll get all upset and leave the studio if the demand it.
Another caller said that she kind of lost the feeling for what she wanted to say. She said that she was trying to be serious here. She said she's Howard's age and has been around. She then droned on for a few minutes about her issues and said that this is very damaging for them to go on about this for an hour about Artie. She said that it can be very damaging and she has experienced a lot of what they are talking about. She told Jon that he hasn't had the same kind of thing that she and Artie have had to endure. She told them that it's beyond conversation.
Jon had to cut that woman off because he had to get to some other calls. He moved on to another caller who said that he thinks that Artie hearing the old stuff about the chicks that screwed up his relationship with Dana and it got to him. Jon said if that was the case maybe he wouldn't have been in on Monday. He said that no one knows for sure what could have caused it.
Another woman called in and said that she remembers Artie saying he wanted to go rehab but Howard wanted him to do both rehab and the show at the same time.
Another caller said he wanted to throw his two cents in on this Artie thing. He said that people are saying he's making the show look bad but he's become a huge member of the show. He said that every aspect of his life is under a microscope and people love everything about it. He said Artie has contributed more to the show from bed than many other people have done on the show.
Jon said he thinks that Artie is so interesting because he's a very high level celebrity who put's everything out there for the fans. The caller said that he's not afraid to talk about that stuff either and he does it for the good of the show. He and Jon talked about that for a couple of minutes. The caller said that Artie is such a good guy that he gives the guys there some of the money. He has his problems but he's truly a good guy. Jon had to end the show after that call.
Howard started off the show saying that he was listening to the Wrap Up Show from yesterday on his way into work this morning. He said there was a lot of speculation going on about Artie. He said that's good for the show. He said that he had some audio of Artie on the phone with Jason this morning creating yet more material for the show.
Howard played the audio of Artie talking to Jason where he told him he was coming in but he was going to be late. He had an appointment at 6:30 this morning and he hopes to be in by 8 or so. Artie told Jason that he has to get an upper GI series or something like that. He said they have to look at the upper part of his stomach or something. Artie said he's going for something else this morning but he still has to get the upper GI thing done. Artie asked Jason if he wanted to do another take on that call when he was done telling him that.
Robin said that Artie sounds really sick and if he needs to see a doctor at 6:30 in the morning might need to go to the hospital. Fred played the Twilight Zone music as they were discussing this stuff. Robin said she had a cold recently but she didn't go to the doctor. She said that he's must be hiding a horrible terminal illness or something. She said that if it is terminal, it's not making him lose any weight.
Howard said he was listening to the Wrap Up Show and a caller asked if there was a union there for Artie and Gary told the guy that there is no union for what Artie does there. Howard pointed out that there is AFTRA.
Fred said he's not sure there's a doctor available at 6:30 in the morning. Howard said Gary knows a guy who is available from 4 in the morning on. Fred said he's never heard of such a thing. Gary said he knows a guy who does rounds at 4 in the morning and he takes appointments at 6:30 in the morning.
Robin said she wonders why Artie didn't go yesterday and why he has to go this morning. Gary said that maybe he was following the Plaxico Burress story yesterday.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he's worried about Artie. He said he should have gone yesterday afternoon. Howard said that maybe Artie felt better yesterday and it got worse last night. The guys didn't seem to believe that either. Fred said that Artie was throwing in a lot of details into that story that maybe he didn't need to. He said that would lead him to believe that he could be lying.
Howard replayed the call between Artie and Jason to hear what Artie was throwing out there as far as why he has to go to the doctor.
Robin said that Artie doesn't say why he's going to the doctor today in that message. He just says that he's going to get the upper GI series done sometime later on. Today he has ''something else'' he's going for.
Dominic talked about how he was sick all the time when he was over weight. He said he never missed work once though. Robin said that she dragged herself to work when she had her ankle problems. Dominic asked what they think is going on. Robin said she thinks that Artie is in desperate pain and he must be off the wagon.
Fred and Robin think that if it's anything, it might be alcohol. He can get that without going to Delaware. Robin said he was sick every time he was on drugs. Howard said he thinks Robin is taking a hard line there with that. Howard said that the last time Artie came back from being on something, he told them that he would be calling in sick.
Howard asked Dominic if he was ready to talk about how the plate of spaghetti got on his head. Dominic said he had to go to the doctor at 6:30 and hung up.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be Artie's doctor. He said that he found that he has a vending machine stuck in his lower intestines. Howard said Yucko called and asked if they remembered the song parody he did about Artie. Howard played that song where Yucko sings ''Artie the Junkie'' to the tune of ''Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.'' Howard said they can always rely on Yucko for the sensitive songs. He thinks that he's evolved since his wife left him though. Now he's just a sad clown.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that when Artie comes in they should have him present the paperwork from the doctor. He said that he should have something to show. Howard said that's unless he goes to the doctor that Plaxico Burress went to. That doctor allegedly didn't write up a report about the shooting. Howard said he's with the mayor on following the rules on stuff but he can see why doctors would get intimidated by the fact that the Giants use that hospital for everything.
Howard was talking about the doctor that did the Plaxico thing and said he thought that maybe she became a doctor in some other country. He said it turns out she was trained here in the U.S. at the University of Rochester. Robin told Howard that he's very stereotype-based when he thinks about that kind of thing. Howard said that a doctor that's not trained here in the U.S. just isn't the same. That's all he was saying.
Robin said she met a guy from Puerto Rico who went to an American school but didn't speak English. He still became a doctor. Howard said he's going to write a new kids song about tolerating doctors.
Fred said he can't wait to play the guitar. He said that there are even cigarette burns on it like there would be on a real one. They replicated everything on it. Howard joked that there was even a Stevie booger on it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they're going to have to apologize to Artie if they're wrong about him. Robin said that Artie shouldn't feel bad if they're stupid. The guy said that they're trying to make him out as a drug addict and they don't know that he was out doing that.
The caller pointed out that Gary was on the Tony Hawk show yesterday. Howard said there's so much going on there that he can't even keep track of what's going on at SIRIUS.
Howard said he has to take secret exits there when he leaves after the show. He said that people just swarm him if he doesn't run out the secret tunnel. He said people just drive him fuckin' crazy when he's leaving. He just wants to get the hell out. Howard said even the hallways there at the show are filled with people who need to talk to him.
Howard said there were fire trucks and cop cars outside yesterday when he left. He said they were parked out there waiting for something to happen and he heard that there may have been some kind of powder in the FOX building. He said that people were allowed to walk on the sidewalks but cars weren't able to drive by. He said it didn't make any sense.
Ronnie said there was some kind of envelope and they shut down the whole block. Ronnie said that they didn't let people out, they just kept the cars there instead of letting them clear out. Ronnie said they eventually told him that they were going to turn everyone around and get them out of there. That was after 45 minutes and he wondered why they didn't do that earlier.
Howard said that he had to find a cab instead so he had three security guards bring him out after they found a cab. Howard said that he had no problem standing on the street but they wanted him to hide in the building. Howard said he hadn't been in a cab for a long time. He said that they have cool TVs in the back of the cab now. He thought that was pretty cool but didn't know how to work it.
Ronnie said they have some cool information on those things. Howard said that when he has time to think he starts to think about the stuff that he doesn't want to think about. TV keeps his mind off of that stuff so that's why he watches so much of it. Howard said the cab driver was a nice guy and very cool to him.
Robin said that there seems to be a conversation going on with those cab radios and they all sound so happy when they're in the conversation. Howard said it's not even in English. Robin said she's not sure who they're talking to and having such a good time.
Howard said he could never drive a cab because he'd get lost going anywhere. He said he admires what they do. Robin didn't seem to think she could do it very well either.
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Howard said that last week the Mumbai thing was going on in the news. Then it was the recession problem and how Black Friday wasn't going to help the businesses out. He said that Barack Obama can't even tax the rich people because there won't be any left.
Howard said he doesn't know when this is going to end. Robin said that there are some people who think that by the end of 2009 it'll start to end and people shouldn't get too freaked out by it. Robin was saying that Ford motor company was saying that they might be able to get out of there financial problems by 2011 if they can just get a little help. Howard said it would be cool if Ford came in and said they were going to give the government some money. That will never happen though.
Howard took another call from a guy who told them to give Artie a drug test. Robin said they can't make him do that. Howard said he doesn't know what's going on with Artie right now but Robin has him convinced that he's naive and believes Artie every time. He said that he thought that Artie was supposed to be in intensive outpatient rehab but he's not even sure he's going at all.
Gary said that Sal took a poll yesterday asking people what they think. Out of 20 people only 5 thought he was really sick.
A caller said that he tried going to rehab and that didn't work for him. Howard said that people are saying that he needs to go away to rehab but that might not be a cure. Howard said they think that this 28 day rehab thing is the answer but it might not be. Howard also said that people think that he's the one who has to force him to go.
The caller said that they have to sit Artie down and tell him that they need him to get some help. He said that's what his friends did for him. Howard said that maybe this caller's friends can come over and confront Artie for them. Howard said that maybe that will work because they're not going to be able to do it themselves.
Howard said that when Artie has any success he ends up getting involved in the abuse. He said that Gary was trying to explain it on the Wrap Up Show yesterday in his own befuddled way. Howard said there are some people who said that Artie hangs around with old friends that are kind of questionable and who knows what's going on there. He said he's not sure what's going on with the book and all of that stuff either.
Robin said that Bob Saget said that most people get help when they've hit rock bottom but Artie is on a trajectory up so he's not getting help.
Cyrus called in and said that he ended up going to work when he heard the show yesterday. He was about to call in sick until he heard them talking about Artie being out. Howard said that was good he learned from Artie's example.
Howard took another call from a guy who did the Ringo Starr ''Peace and love, peace and love...'' line. That led to Howard doing his impression of him as well. Then they played the audio of that Ringo thing where he told his fans he wasn't going to be signing anything after the 20th of October and kept saying ''peace and love'' over and over again.
Howard said they should really call Ringo out on that whole thing. He said he'd like to know what is keeping Ringo so busy that he doesn't have time to sign stuff. He said he's not in a band anymore and all he does in a band is bang on a drum anyway.
Fred said that Ringo isn't even touring right now so he can't be that busy. Howard said that's one of his favorite pieces of tape. He said he liked making up the kid's songs yesterday. He also liked the audio of the guy crying over the closing of a library. He said he can't imagine anyone getting that upset over a library closing.
JD said that everything is fine and he is being friendlier to Jared now. Howard asked what they do now when they see each other. JD said they are saying hello to each other. They're not giving each other hugs or anything. Robin asked if he's happy to see him. JD said he's not happy but he's okay with it. He said there isn't as much tension as there used to be.
JD said that he and Jared are trying to track down the money they earned. He said they're trying to make sure they get what they're supposed to. Howard said he's heard that about the money people win there. He said that they have to go track it down instead of walking out with it the day they win. Howard said the money should have been there and paid already.
JD said that he's really okay with Jared and he has no problem with him at this point. He said they don't shake hands or anything like that. They never really had that. Howard said that he heard that Richard won some money one time but it took him 4 months to get the money. Howard said that the radio business is weird like that. They try to wear you down until you just don't care anymore. Robin reminded him about the time they called 7 On Your Side to get them to come in and get the fan a gift he was due.
Gary said that there was a time at the old station where they would hold back money at the end of the quarter so they had the money in the bank. Howard said he saw that they try to hold onto the money to get as much interest as possible. Gary said that they sued to do that to show that they had more money at the end of the year than they actually did. He said that it would be held off until January.
JD said he heard that they may not see their money until February. He said he's not sure what he can say about that though. Richard said that he and Sal waited a few months before they got their money so they told Steve Langford about it and they got their check the next day.
Howard said that they had to call 7 On Your Side to get these gifts for their fans and they managed to rattle some cages over at K-Rock. Robin said they did give the prizes out as soon as they won.
The guys talked about how this guy Arnold Diaz there in New York will go out like that and go after business that are screwing people over.
Howard played an audio clip of the news report about the prize that they didn't get from K-Rock. They sent out their ''7 On Your Side'' team to get the prizes for this guy. In the clip the reporter explained how the guy won a prize on the Stern Show when he won a contest when he figured out what Ozzy Osbourne was saying. He was supposed to win a TiVo but didn't get it for weeks. The winner said he called continuously and didn't get an answer for months. That's when he called 7 On Your Side and they tracked it down for him.
Howard said that the TiVo was probably out of date by the time they got one for the guy. Gary said that Tom (Chiusano) had to go out and buy one. they didn't have one in their possession and Tom had to go out and get it so he could get this guy his prize.
Howard said he loves that clip. He said that they were the ones who called 7 On Your Side and they can reveal that now. Gary asked Benjy how long it took him to get his prize money. Benjy said it was a couple of months and they told him to keep quiet about it. He said they didn't want it coming up on the air when they weren't paying him. Howard said that people are fuckin' crazy. Howard said he likes that Tom was bummed out that he had to go out and buy a TiVo.
Howard said he remembered winning a wind breaker many years ago and they waited forever to get that. They also won a quart of oil but when they got the thing, it was dented and leaking. Gary said that he used to get the calls from fans who weren't getting their prizes and Tom would tell him that they were on a 120 day billing cycle so it was months before they'd pay off. They eventually changed that.
Robin was up next. Last year she got Howard's name. This year she got Keith Finnemore. He works at Howard TV according to Gary.
Gary picked Ryan Rasmussen and he was the guy who gave Robin the wind chimes last year. He was a former intern who works there on the tapes team. Fred picked Jarred Law. No one was quite sure who he was. Gary picked for Artie and Artie got Lee Gerowitz. Benjy picked Fred. Fred told him not to bother and to save his money.
Gary said that he's going to pick the rest of the names during the break and he'll get back to the rest of them about who picked their names.
Howard said he figures that if Scott DePace picks his name he'll get a Video Caddy. He said he once got a fingerprint scanner from him and he never even opened it. He gave it to his niece. Howard said those things never work anyway.
Scott DePace came in so Howard told him that he wants another picture frame that shows video pictures. Scott said he has two of those in his house and they're great. Scott asked to opt out of this thing. He said all of the good names were picked already. Howard said he picked two names accidentally. He said he had Ben Barto's name as well.
Scott asked to be taken out of this whole thing. Howard said that's fine. Scott said there are a bunch of people who want out. Sal came in and said that he and Richard are out too. Richard said that they're going to buy something nice for each other. Sal said he got a Beer League DVD last year. He said that it was from an intern but it sucked. It's not fun to get something like that.
Howard said that it's nice to give someone a nice gift. Sal said that he liked the gifts he got from Howard and Robin in the past and that won't be happening this year. Richard said he got a nice leather jacket from Jared Fox last year. Richard said that he got honey baked ham for everyone last year and they made fun of him about that. Fred said that's the thing that made people sick last year. Richard said no one got sick from that.
Sal wanted to put Beth in the secret Santa thing. Howard said that's because Sal worked with her yesterday and he's all worked up over that. He was doing a thing for Howard TV with her and now he's her friend all of a sudden. Sal said that Beth did an amazing job yesterday with the stuff they show.
Howard sent Sal and Richard out and said he's leaving their names in the Secret Santa thing. He said he'll leave Scott out but that's because he likes to ruin stuff like that.
Howard played the clip of the guy crying over the closing library as he was about to go to break. That led to Howard talking about how skeevy books can be. Then he talked about the Netflix DVDs that he gets and how they have crap on the disc that looks like boogers and stuff. He said Library books are the same to him. He hates sharing other people's dirt.
Gary said that there's a company that lets you plug in a box that lets you download movies. Howard said he tried Amazon Unbox and that took forever for him. He said that he wants stuff available on any of the TVs he has, not just one. He said he needs something that he can use on any TV. Howard said Netflix is fine.
Howard said that nothing just works. He's always updating his computer with something and he hates that. He said that every program he buys has a problem. He constantly has issues with stuff in his entertainment unit. Gary said that he could hook stuff up for him and it wouldn't be a problem. Howard said he doesn't have any wires hanging out like Gary probably does. Gary said he really doesn't have wires hanging out and he'd be able to hook it up to Howard's equipment.
Gary said that the A/V guys will come in and slam people like Howard who have no idea what's going on. Howard said that he realized how much they were over charging him and stopped using them. He said that they ripped him off so bad. Robin said that she wasn't even able to unplug her cable box because it was buried so much. Gary said his stuff is on wheels so he can move it around to get to the back of it. Howard cut the conversation off and went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a few things to say about Artie. He said he looks like a wreck. He said he saw him at a book signing and Teddy was clueless there. The guy said he can see why Artie gets frustrated with the guy. Howard said it was enough with Artie and cut the guy off. Howard said they'll talk to Artie when he gets there.
Howard said he's going to give this caller a chance to win $1,000 courtesy of the movie ''Step Brothers'' which is out on Blu-Ray and for the PSP today. Howard said that they weighed Jason yesterday and he was 296 pounds. They're going to play ''What is Jason too fat for?'' (Created by Sal and Rev. Bob Levy)
Howard said that he saw a picture of Jason with his back Nair'd and it was very disturbing. Robin said that there were some things that Jason was too fat to do on his honeymoon.
Howard asked the caller if Jason is too fat to be a police officer. The caller said yes. He was correct. Howard said a cop would have to be 163 pounds. Howard asked the guy if Jason is too fat to go on an adult trampoline with a heavy duty galvanized frame. The caller said yes to that. Howard said he is wrong but then realized that he was right because the weight limit was 250 pounds.
Howard asked if Jason was too fat to use an adult banana hammock. Not the underwear but an actual hammock that looks like a banana. The caller said that he could use it. He was right. Howard said the weight limit is 330 pounds.
Howard said the guy won $1,000. Howard asked if Jason could go Parasailing. He actually could. The weight limit on that is 330 pounds.
Howard said that Jason wanted to go on a zip line thing on his honeymoon but they didn't let him do it because he was too heavy. Howard said Jason wouldn't even go to the beach except to buy marijuana. Howard said that people have gotten so fat that they have to put out weight limits on this kind of stuff.
Robin said that they're actually widening seats because people have gotten so fat. Howard asked if they think Jason could ride on a 9 passenger plane to tour Maui. Howard said that he is weight restricted from that as well. He said that the weight limit is 290 pounds. Jason said ''Forget Artie's book, I'm too fat to do anything.''
Howard said that $1,000 is a big prize to be giving away. He said that other stations don't have that kind of money to give away.
Gary said that he was in Richard and Sal's office and Richard asked if he was going to the cookie party. Gary said he was going to something else and maybe he could get out of it. Then Lisa told him that the RSVP list was closed and he couldn't get in. Gary was shocked and ended up walking out of the room because she was acting so weird about it.
Gary asked Lisa if it's one thing that Robin isn't going to be able to make it now that she's said yes already. Lisa said that Robin was one of the first to RSVP back.
Ronnie came in and asked why anyone would go to her party when she's not a team player. Howard said that she is part of the show. Ronnie said that no one is going to the party. She's having about 50 people and only about 2 are from the station. Lisa ended up goofing on Ronnie saying he was a midget.
Lisa said that Benjy and Tim are supposed to be coming. Benjy said that he didn't know what time it was but he should be there. Lisa said that Jason and Lisa Lampanelli will be there as well. They're doing a live broadcast from the party too. Lisa said that she's hurt that Gary forgot that the party was coming up.
Ronnie came in and said that Lisa has a tiny apartment and most of the people were out in her hallway. Lisa said she likes it that way. Ronnie said he was there last year and he ended up standing in the hallway instead of in her apartment. He told her that she should have a party at a place where people can fit at least. He said people were laying on her bed last year.
Lisa read her headlines after that. She said they have a story about High Pitch Mike ended up on Perez Hilton's web site and in the top searches on Google that day. That led to them playing a song parody that Mike sang about his coming out of the closet.
Lisa said that Mike thanked Perez for not putting up a picture of him with those white scribbling's on it. She said that Perez kind of regrets not doing it.
Howard was trying to prepare for the next segment and made a lot of noise doing it. Robin asked him what he was doing over there. Howard said they have to do 4 or 5 hours of stuff there. Today they're out of there on time because he has an appointment this morning. He said he has stuff to do.
Howard said that he and Robin have a grueling schedule there and he has to eat during the show. Howard said he almost eats every hour while he's there. Howard said they have to use a lot of brain power so he has to fuel it.
Lisa asked if he drinks coffee. Howard said that he used to drink coffee when he smoked but he ended up quitting both at the same time because he felt they went hand in hand. Howard said he started smoking to look tough and that was a bad idea. He said he used to smoke 4 packs a day back then. He used to cough up round golf balls from his lungs when he was smoking too. When that happened he had to quit. He was making pearls like a clam.
Howard asked Lisa if he and Beth were invited. She said that she did send one to Beth but she never got an answer either way. Howard said that's weird because Beth is good about that kind of stuff.
Howard said he wore all of his layers to his shrink's office and he ended up sweating like crazy sitting there. Howard said he didn't want to take his layers off because there are mental people in the waiting room and he didn't want them around his coat. Robin said he could have taken it off in the office. Howard said the guy would have made a big thing out of that if he had done it.
Howard said he ended up going outside with his briefcase in hand and he wasn't able to zip up his jacket or the vest. He said the zipper wasn't working and he spent about 10 minutes trying to do that. He said this layering plan just backfired on him.
Howard said he knows this guy Todd from when he was a camp counselor and the guy is always sending him stuff he sees on the web. He's not sure if he's working because he finds so much stuff on the internet. He said there's no way he has time to work if he's sending this stuff.
Howard said that Todd sent him this video of Otis Redding singing and told him that they don't see people like that much these days. Howard said he was watching the video of Otis singing and he forgot how the guy died. He figured it was a plane crash. Robin and Fred told him he's right about that. Howard said this video was a live version of ''I'll Be Loving You'' and it was really good.
Howard said they have this game coming up with Paul Fishbein from Adult Video News. He said that Paul brought in this Megan Malone porn star and they're going to have Beetlejuice in the studio. They're going to have a few people in there calling Beet's name and they want to see who he'll go to when they call out his name.
Howard said they're going to call Beet like he's a dog. He said he knows it's insulting but it should be fun. Gary came in and said that Sal was saying that Beetlejuice smells worse today than ever before. Gary said Sal told him he smells like shit on an air conditioner with the wind blowing in your face. Howard had to go to break after that.
The caller said that it was the last week they were at K-Rock that he won the prize. Howard told him to hang on and he'd get it straightened out. He told Gary to handle it personally.
Howard said it's too bad 7 On Your Side isn't around anymore. Maybe they could call Arnold Diaz to get him to find this guy his prize. Howard said that the whole station was in a panic back then when they didn't get that guy his TiVo.
Megan said that of course she has a messed up life, all porn stars do. Howard asked her if she thinks she got into porn because of the home life. She said she's not suer about that. Howard asked Paul if he's tagging this girl. Paul said he's married so he's not.
Howard said that Paul seemed like a bum back in the days when they first met him. Megan said that he slept under her bed last night and he does seem like a bum.
Howard said that Megan is super hot and asked her when she started to do the porn thing. She said she was doing a Hustler layout after high school and got into it. Howard found out that she was out last night with a friend so Howard tried to get more information about that. She was giving him snotty answers though and chewing gum which was kind of annoying. Howard had her spit it out.
Howard asked Megan about her sex life and if she ever did gang bangs or anything. She said she never did that and doesn't think she ever will. Howard asked if she got dressed up last night when she went out. She said they were out in their sweats. She said that she and her friend Hanna Hilton were out together and they were wearing goofy Statue of Liberty hats and guys were still trying to pick her up. Howard said she gave him the finger for some reason. She claimed she didn't know what he was talking about.
Howard asked Megan about hanging out with this girl and if they had sex or anything like that. She was a tough interview and wasn't giving straight answers. Howard said he figures she's a lot of fun in the sack. Howard asked her if she gives a good blow job. She said that she really can't suck dick for shit. Then she said that's her specialty.
Megan told some stories about being with some porn guy who had a huge dick. She said that she thinks that there's a dick outside of him and even more inside. Howard asked her if she's ever taken it in the backside. She said she hasn't. She said that's an outie, not an innie.
Howard asked Megan if she thinks the government should bail out the auto industry. She didn't have an answer for that. She said that she did vote for Obama when Howard asked about that.
Howard said that Paul is giving away a prize to the AVN Awards today. Megan is up for some awards this year. Howard asked her if she's a fan of Jenna Jameson. She joked that she was but Howard had to ask her to answer honestly. She said she didn't think of Jenna as an idol.
Megan said she did well in school and did go to college for a year. She told Howard about her fake boobs and how they're not too big like some people have. She said they look real. Howard asked to see them and said they did look nice when she whipped them out. He gave her some applause for them.
Howard said that they had this game to play with Megan. She said that the average man would love to hang out with Megan at the AVN Awards. Paul is giving them a trip to give away to a lucky fan. They have two contestants who are going to try and win this prize. He was going to get into that but had some audio from one of Megan's movies, 20 Questions, where she's getting slammed by some guy. He played that and then moved on to the game.
Howard asked Megan some more questions and found out she lost her virginity at 16 to her best friend's boyfriend. She apologized to her friend for doing that.
Howard said they have these two guys coming in next. First up was Justin. Howard asked him about just getting out of the military. Justin said that he and his wife were in the military and they both got out after a couple of years. He had two tours over in Iraq. Howard asked if he killed anyone over there. Justin said he didn't want to get into that. There are just some things you don't talk about. Howard said he would be a bad military guy because he'd be bragging about that stuff. Megan said that he bets he looks hot in his fatigues. Justin said ''Oh hell yeah!''
Howard moved on to the second guy, Greg, who owns his own business. He's also married and his wife would probably be going for the porn stars even more than him. He said that she's been known to have some fun.
Howard said this is going to be a very interesting human experiment. He said that they're going to have Beetlejuice come in and both Justin and Greg are going to call out Beetlejuice's name to try and get him to come over to them. Howard said the guy that gets Beetlejuice to come over to them will win the prize. Megan thought that it was kind of lame and thought that they should make him do cartwheels or something.
Howard took some calls and Irish John thought that she was sniffling a lot this morning. Megan said she doesn't use coke that much and hasn't done it. Howard asked her what she's doing with her money she makes. She said she's putting it into her breasts but then said she's putting it away.
Howard got back on track and asked the guys what their strategy is. One guy had one, the other didn't. Howard said that they were going to be playing for this trip to the AVN awards. Howard asked Megan if she's hoping to win the Best New Starlet at the awards. She said she would like that to happen. Howard asked her to thank him if she does win. She said she's not sure she'll do that.
Howard had the guys bring in Beetlejuice. Justin and Greg started calling him to come over as soon as he came in. Beet ended up going over to Justin within a few seconds. Justin was rattling his keys like he'd do for a dog asking it to go for a ride.
Howard said that Beet went right over to Justin and asked him why he did that. Beet didn't seem to know why he did it. Greg said he was going for the calm approach so he wouldn't scare him off. Howard asked Beet why he picked Justin over Greg. Beetlejuice didn't know.
Howard wanted to try it again so he had the guys move Beetlejuice back. Justin and Greg started calling him again but Beet told them that he's not a dog. Greg asked him to come over because he's a huge fan. Beet didn't care and refused to go back over.
Howard asked Beet why he won't go back over. Beetle said that he doesn't want to, that's why. The guys kept talking to Beetle but he didn't want anything to do with them. Howard told Beet about Megan but he didn't even seem interested in her. He kept saying ''Goo' of' her'' over and over. Howard had Megan stand up but Beetlejuice didn't seem to care about meeting her.
Howard told Beetlejuice that Justin won a trip thanks to him. Beetlejuice said ''Goo' of' him, goo' of' him...'' He didn't care that the guy won. Beetlejuice said he didn't win nothing for nobody. Howard let Justin thank him anyway but Beet didn't want any part of that.
Howard asked Beetlejuice if he's getting laid. Beet said he has no problem with that. He claims that he's getting laid tonight.
Howard gave Beetlejuice some plugs for some appearances he's making soon. Howard mentioned one place and asked Beet what he was going to be doing there. Beet said he'll be doing stuff he doesn't want to know about. Howard said Beetlejuice will be available for doing luncheons soon too. You can find out more about that at JollyDwarf.com
Howard said Beetlejuice is working on a new rap group too. Beet said that's kind of complicated and they're working on it.
Howard asked Justin about the shaking of the keys. Justin said he's seen people do that with dogs that like to ride in the car. Howard asked Beetlejuice if he's smoking weed lately. Beetlejuice said that he's still doing that. The guys told Beetlejuice that Artie was out today. Beetlejuice said he heard about that and he figured he was sick. He said he can tell that he's really sick. He figured it was heart problems.
Howard wrapped up with Beet and let him go. He also thanked Paul and Megan for coming in. He asked Megan if she would ride the Sybian. She wasn't interested in doing that. Megan said she wanted to pick up Beetlejuice and throw him around instead.
Howard wrapped up with Paul and asked him if he gets to hang out with the girls there at the show. He said that the fans do get to hang out. Megan didn't seem so interested in that though. Megan said that she loves the fans no matter how ugly they are. She said she was just joking about that. Howard wrapped up and asked if they had a runner up prize for Greg. Paul said that they will have a box of DVDs sent to him.
Paul said that they're going to have a big hip hop act at the awards this year but he can't mention Flo Rida's name yet. Howard went to break after that.
Beetlejuice will be at the following places next week: Friday, December 12 at Elite Catering / Coliseum in Voorhees, NJ and Saturday, December 13 at Rams Head Live in Baltimore, MD. You can find out more at RevBobLevy.com
Howard came back after that and Fred said that Ozzy turns 60 years old today. Howard said he was just eating his pizza burger. He said he needed the strength to get through the rest of the show. Robin said she was busy trying to pull apart her grapefruit. Howard said that maybe an intern could do that for her every day. He used to make Grillo cook his potato for him.
Howard asked Robin if she brings that from home. Robin said she does. She also brings a salad with her. She puts it all in a bag and prepares it there at work when she gets there. Howard asked her if she ever goes crazy and has an apple. Robin said she doesn't like biting through the skin of an apple so she doesn't like them.
Robin showed Howard all of the stuff she had with her. She said she has no problem leaving stuff there so she can prepare it when she gets there. Howard said she's got a big plastic full of lettuce and stuff. She brings in her own dressing and has to bring it in a bag. Robin didn't seem to think it was that big of a deal.
Howard asked Robin what she eats for breakfast. Robin wasn't sure what meal was what. She said she guesses that her smoothie is her breakfast.
Howard said he's already eaten his lunch and it's only 8:50 in the morning. He said they're going to start the news early today so he can get out of there.
Howard said that Beth interviewed Michael Phelps for that show Extra yesterday. Robin said that he's going to be interviewed by Barbara Walters too. Howard said Beth told him that he's cute in person too. Howard said he doesn't like to hear that from her. He thinks that he's the hottest guy when he's with Beth. Robin said that Howard does have a swimmer's body. Howard said he looks like a swimmer that did half a lap.
Howard said there were a lot of changes at CBS Radio yesterday. He read a story about some of the people who left the company yesterday. There was a woman who was demoted and a couple of people who resigned. Howard said that the guy who replaced Tom Chiusano has resigned.
Mark Chernoff is back to programming K-Rock now. Howard said he's a good kid. Howard said he's porbably 70 now so he's no kid. Gary said he saw him the other day and he got really skinny. Gary said that everyone they knew over there is gone now. Howard said he can't imagine why they're firing everyone there.
Gary said that Howard would be mad at him if he didn't show up for 12 days in 2 years. Howard said that Artie might need some time off and he's told him that it's fine if he wants to float in and out. He said it's not good that he's out but he's not looking to reprimand him.
Greg said he felt like he was watching an episode of Intervention. He said he'd like to talk more about Artie while he's putting himself up at a hotel because Tim Sabean won't approve it. He said that Artie will probably show up and cock block him again. He said he always comes in on a day that the attention isn't on him.
Greg said that things are good and he's doing a lot of writing. He said that he has a penis problem though. He said he had to attack it last night to jerk off and get to sleep. He said he took an Ambien last night and it was tough because that stuff makes it like wrestling a jellyfish.
Howard asked Greg if he's allowed to take Ambien. Greg said he's allowed to but he shouldn't. He said that he ended up getting into drugs years ago because of some pills he was taking. Greg said that he told his wife to get the booze out of his house because he's so unhappy and he's not even sure why.
Greg said that he's going to be at Comix on the 18th and 19th of this month. Howard said he's doing good after being in the business so long.
Howard said that Greg wrote a TV show about all of the bad things he did as a kid. Greg said that he did that and it's about the stuff he did in his life. He said that it's about his family rejecting him after he does all of this stuff. Greg said that it was originally a blind script deal and they were going to pay him only if they liked the script. They're going to try and sell that one in January. He said that he sold another show called ''Dream Police'' that's about these people who stop people from following their dreams too much. They almost do an intervention for people who think they're going to have a huge career in something they're not good at.
Howard gave Greg some plugs for some gigs he had coming up and one of them is with Carlos Mencia. Howard told Greg that he'd like to show up to that one and do some of his kids songs. Greg said he'd prefer to concentrate on Carlos for that show. You can get tickets at BrownPaperTickets.com
Howard said that Greg is doing his show on Monday night next week. He's going to have Dave Navarro on the show. Howard said he's heard that Greg has been getting into a lot of fist fights lately. Greg said that is true and he's not sure why that is. He said that he ran after a guy in his car who was weaving down his street and ended up punching the guy a few times. He said he's not sure where the anger is coming from.
Howard asked about the punching incident and what happened there. Greg said the guy had an accent that pissed him off and he ended up punching the guy in the side of the head right before he drove off. Greg said his wife made him go back to the shrink after that.
Robin asked Greg about the alcohol in the house. Greg said that things are going great in his career and he's not sure why he was doing it but he was opening the bottles and sniffing the caps. He said that everything is going great in his life and he's just not happy.
Greg told Howard and Robin about a form of therapy he's doing where you hold two vibrating things in your hands and it makes you feel better. Howard said that sounds like something Robin would do.
Howard said that he had to get out of there by 10 o'clock today so if Artie shows up around then, just hold off until tomorrow to talk to him. Howard said that he has a doctor's appointment and it was the only time he could get today. He said that he has things to do with his daughter later on too. Howard went to break after that.
Howard took a call from Artie when he came back. Howard told him that he had to get out of there by 10. Artie said that if he's getting out at 10 then he won't come in. Howard said that he's got to get out at exactly 10. Howard told him to turn around and go home, come in tomorrow and they'll talk about it then.
Artie said that he heard the first 20 minutes of the show and it's money that can get a doctor to open up at 6:30am. Artie said he was vomiting blood so that's why he had to go to the doctor. Artie said he heard Yucko's song too and he wanted them to tell Yucko that he saw his wife getting fucked by 3 Puerto Ricans out on 9th Ave.
Howard asked Artie why he's vomiting blood. Artie said he's not sure and he's not the healthiest guy right now. He said that the doctor is a guy that his bookie uses.
Howard said Artie vomited blood. Artie said it wasn't that much blood, it was just a little bit. Howard asked him if he's going to make the book signing tonight. Artie said he is doing that, that's why he was going to come in today. He said he didn't want to look like a shit head.
Howard asked Artie if he was back on anything because that's what he claimed these sick calls would mean when he talked about them in the past. Artie said that he doesn't get sick often and he's the happiest he's been in his life right now.
Howard said he doesn't know anyone at Artie's age who vomits. Artie said he's done a lot of stuff in his life and he's a mess. He said he's scared shitless that something is going wrong. Howard asked him if he's still going to his therapist. Artie said he sees him twice a week. Howard said he wanted to check on that. Artie said he's still seeing him twice a week. He said he eventually told his doctor that he had tequila that one time he did. He said that the guy gets all sad when you let him down like he's his grandfather or something.
Howard asked Artie if he's on anything at all. Artie said that he's not on any drugs. Artie said he had about 80 of the holiday M&Ms and then threw up after that. Then he saw the blood.
Robin asked Artie what his illness was yesterday that kept him out of work. Artie said he was nauseous and he was throwing up. There was no blood yesterday though.
Howard said that Robin was saying that Artie must be back on booze at least. Robin said that he doesn't sound sick this morning. She thinks that he's on something and he had to get some help for it. Artie jokingly told Howard he'll fall for anything.
Howard said Fred thought Artie was back to drinking too. Fred said that maybe it was that and some spicy food that aggravated an ulcer or something. Fred said he doesn't think that Artie is on drugs but he might be drinking. Artie said the truck drivers next to him were pretending to put needles in their arms so that must be their sentiment.
Greg said that he thinks Artie's weight is the problem. He said that the book tour has been rough on him and he isn't back on drugs or booze. He said that he'd like to see Artie in a more intensive rehab program but he really does think he might be sick. Howard said he'll believe anything that Artie tells him.
Robin said she doesn't even think that Artie is in traffic. She thinks he's calling in from bed. She asked him if he's going to be in tomorrow. Artie said he has his upper GI thing at 6 so he'll be late. He was kidding about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Artie is full of shit. He said that he's bullshitting around this whole thing. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and went off on Artie too. She said that something is going on with him but she can't figure it out. She said she'd like to talk to him for a few days and figure this all out. Fred said that would make Artie use again if they did that.
Another caller said she thinks that Artie is lying and doing something. She told Artie to just admit it if he's back to doing stuff. She said she used to get high and would lie about stuff like this too. Howard asked Artie what he thinks about that. Artie said he thinks this chick sounds hot.
Howard told Artie to honk his horn to prove he was in traffic. Artie did it but the woman on the phone didn't believe he was driving. She said he must be in his garage doing it. Howard said he's with Greg and he doesn't think that Artie is on anything and he's really sick.
Greg said he knows a guy who got sober and someone told him that if he ended to fall off the wagon he should. The guy started drinking again and hasn't stopped. It's been 5 years since then and the guy has lost everything.
Artie said that he's really not on any drugs right now and he's just feeling sick. Howard asked him to swear on his mother's life. Artie did that but said that he's basically an atheist so it doesn't matter anyway. Howard told Artie he was going to wrap up the show now and he'll talk to him tomorrow.
Yucko called in and told Artie to get his ass into the show. Artie asked him if he had his make up on yet. Yucko kept telling him to just get his ass into work.
Howard had Beetlejuice on the phone. Beet told Artie that he's a fat fuck and said that he thinks that he's using drugs again. Howard said that Beet has been around drugs so he would know. Howard asked Beet how he knows he's using. He said he's using needles. Artie thanked him for the call. Howard told Artie to come in tomorrow at the regular time. Artie said he knows that the guys are mad at him but Howard is the best boss.
Howard said he wants him to get better and maybe make the show a priority instead of books signings. Artie said he'll do that. He said that he's going to be taking a helicopter to the book signing. Then he said that it might be all over for him and he may have to stay on the phone while he drives to the George Washington Bridge to jump off of it. Artie said he's making a million bucks a year doing a show where he can take off as many days as he wants, he doesn't want to kill himself.
Howard said that if Artie had a sitcom it would be the end of him. He said that the pressure gets to him. Greg thought that it would actually be better for him. Howard and Fred didn't think that was the case.
Steve said that Ass Napkin Ed told them that he spoke to Artie on Monday night and didn't sound sick. Steve said that Scott the Engineer may have been honored in a small town in Arkansas. There is a road called ''Scott Salem Road'' but it leads to a run down trailer park.
Jon Hein came in and ran down his Wrap Up Show preview. They ended up talking about the Beetlejuice segment today and how funny it was when Beet ran to the guy with the keys jingling. Howard was also talking about how tough the interview with Megan Malone was today. He said that she was tough to talk to but he just barreled right through the interview.
Howard had Steve Brandano run down his Intern Show preview. Steve said they'll be talking about the Secret Santa thing an they have an intern doing a fashion critique about the staff members as well. Howard said he thinks that he'll make out well in that.
Robin started off with a story about a 37 year old man who attacked his father with a Christmas tree. Howard said he thinks that there are a lot of people who would want to do that to their dad. The guys had some fun talking about that story. Robin had another one about a 78 year old man who stabbed a neighbor 28 times because she wouldn't give him the TV remote.
Robin read a story about a conjoined twin that died after being divided from her sister. Howard said they're probably better off that way instead of staying stuck together. Howard said the one that survived will have a great story to tell in the future. Howard said he'd have to break up with a chick if he found out she was attached at the head.
Robin had a story about a 7 year old kid who attacked a classmate for money. The kid held a knife to the younger classmate. Greg ended up talking to Howard about his nose job during that story. Howard said he had the hook part of his nose fixed so he doesn't look like a money lender now. Howard said they were very subtle about it.
Robin read a story about a hunter who thought he had killed a deer but it ended up coming back to life and attacked the guy for about 15 seconds before running off.
Robin read some news about Plaxico Burress and what's going on with him and the Giants. He's been suspended and he and some other people could be getting into some trouble over not reporting the gun shot the right way. Robin told the story of how Plaxico ended up shooting himself in the thigh at a night club. Howard said that most people wear a holster so the gun doesn't slip. He said this guy stuck it in the waistband of his sweat pants and when it slipped, he went to grab it and it went off. They spent a short time on that.
Robin talked about Gary Coleman getting into a scuffle with a fan. She had some audio of Gary talking about being a celebrity and how tough it can be.
Robin brought up a story about someone who died while climbing a mountain. Fred played a sound clip of someone falling and crashing to go along with that. Howard said he has no ability to climb and has no strength to do stuff like that. Howard said they build fake walls to climb up and they had him trying to climb to overcome his fears one time. He said he hated it and it didn't help him at all. Howard said he was embarrassed because 3 women beat him to the top of the wall too.
Robin said that the woman ended up falling 1500 feet to her death as she was trying to climb this mountain. She had climbed up Mont Blanc one time. That led to Howard saying he didn't know that there was an actual Mont Blanc because he has Mont Blanc Pens. Greg said that he could get that for Howard as a wedding gift. Howard said he didn't have to do that because he wasn't invited to the wedding. Greg said he did get invited out to his house in the Hamptons one time. Howard said he had to uninvite him that day because he figured that Greg was going to show up after doing a show out there and it would be really late.
Greg talked about going up on a mountain one time and getting stuck because they closed the chair lift. His legs were shaking on the walk back down. He said he thought he was going to die. The fog eventually lifted and they were able to go back up and take the chair lift down. Howard said that everyone should be afraid of climbing a mountain. That's something people aren't supposed to be doing.
Robin read a story about Madonna and A-Rod. She had some other news stories that she went through before Howard gave Greg some plugs for some gigs he had coming up this month.
Robin quickly went through a few more stories and then Howard ended the show around 10:15am.
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Will said that he did a pre-interview with her last week and they almost didn't have her in because she was too normal. He said that they were on the fence with her and she turned out to be a total nut job. He said that she may have been drinking the night before and it may have spilled over into the show. Will said she was hot but too skinny for him.
Will said that Paul Fishbein is a good guest because he knows that they don't want to focus on him so he brings hot chicks with him instead.
Jon had Teddy play a clip from the Beetlejuice game where the two contestants had to get him to come over to them. After the clip the guys talked about how Beetlejuice may have figured out that they were goofing around with him and that's why he wouldn't go back to the guys once they explained it.
Greg talked about how nice it was to get some time to talk today. He said that Artie did take some of that time when he called in but it wasn't too bad.
The guys spent some time talking about Artie being out and how busy he's been doing book signings and stuff. Greg said that he's very busy too and you don't realize how much you're doing when you see it on paper. Then he goes out and does it and he wonders where the time went and why he's not spending time with his kids. He said he doesn't have time to visit friends or even read the paper.
Greg said that he knows what Artie is going through with his busy life and he thinks that he just needs to take off a whole month and go off to some retreat and relax. He said he might not believe that he can do it though. Gary said he thinks that Artie has to take the money while he can because he's afraid it might go away tomorrow.
The guys spent some time talking about Artie like they've been doing for the past 3 days. They went over the same stuff that they've gone over every day this week.
Greg said that if Artie wasn't there they would find someone to replace him but it would give the show a different kind of balance. Benjy thought that he was basically saying that he's better on the show as a fuck up. Greg said that he can't be that dumb. Greg had a whole theory on Artie's contribution to the show and told the guys what he was trying to say. Benjy and Gary didn't get what he was saying though. Gary said that it seems like he thinks they put more thought into the show than they actually do.
Gary said that the show will just be different if Artie leaves the show and they find someone to replace him. Greg said that if Artie disappeared completely it would be a huge issue to deal with. With him sticking around it's not that big of a deal.
Greg talked about some people he's worked with who have just left shows when they've been asked to stop drinking. He said he worked with a brilliant guy on Lucky Louis who did that when they asked him to stop drinking.
Greg was saying that he thinks that Artie taking a day off here and there isn't that big of a deal. Gary said he does think that it's a big deal. Greg said that when Artie does come back people are going to want to hear what happened. Gary said that the show becomes very unbalanced when that happens though. They might spend an hour and a half talking to him tomorrow because of him being out and they wouldn't usually do that.
Jon said that everyone wants to talk about the Artie thing today. Gary said that all of them except for Eric the Midget wondering why he's being black listed from the show are about Artie.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she has a different take on this whole thing than Greg does. She said that she had a heart attack and dropped dead at the age of 40. She said that she was brought back though. She said that she had some other issues that she was dealing with. Gary cut her off and said she had nothing the same as Artie in there though. She said that Artie is leading an unhealthy lifestyle and there are so many ways that he could change them. Gary said this is old ground they're covering there. They let her go after that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that this is a lot of ''Wah!'' stuff going on. He said he kind of agrees with the thought that the show is organic and whatever Artie does is what they should just go with. Gary asked if it's cool with him if Artie just gets up and leaves at 9 if he has a book signing to get to. The caller said that you don't know what to expect from him so that may be part of the magic of the show.
Gary said that he would like to stay up late and do things but he knows he has to go to bed and get to work the next morning. He said they have to have some parameters there. The caller figured Gary had that kind of stuff going on when he was younger. Gary said he absolutely did not. He said that he knew that Howard wanted him there so that's where he was.
Gary said that the only person who can talk to Artie is Howard. No one else is going to get through to him. Greg said that Artie is just being Artie on the show and that's the way things are working for him. Benjy said that Artie has more relaxed rules and he's pretty sure he's making more than most of them there too.
Greg said that Artie isn't pretending to be something he's not. He even said that he signed on to do the show with the stipulation that he was going to be out sometimes. Gary said that was a discussion that he was supposed to have with Howard for doing projects, not calling in sick so often. Greg said that he used to show up late to jobs and he didn't give a shit about what they thought of him.
Gary said that Colin Quinn defended Artie the last time he was on. He said that Colin was saying that it's amazing that Artie shows up for work as often as he does. Will said that comedians would also give an arm or a leg to have that job. Greg said that's not true for every comedian.
Gary said that almost every comedian thought they wanted that job when Jackie left the show. Greg said that they may think they can do it but they may only last one day. He said that they may want the job but they can't do it for 7 or 8 years the way Artie has.
The guys continued to talk about Artie's attendance record and how he hasn't missed out on comedy gigs as much as he's missed the show. Greg said that they could fire him but Howard has chosen not to.
Will said that Howard and Artie had a discussion about doing the show for the next couple of years and Artie agreed that maybe he should be there every day. Jon said that Artie may not have gone to the book signing tonight if he hadn't asked Howard if it was okay. He said that Artie does seem to think that he needs to make sure it's okay to do that kind of stuff.
Greg said that Howard has to show up to the show every day because he's like PT Barnum and he's got all of the freaks on the show to control. Gary asked Greg why he shows up on time there. Greg said that he doesn't, he showed up 10 minutes late this morning.
Greg said that he almost missed his own SIRIUS show one night and his microphone is just 7 feet from his house in his garage.
Gary told Greg that if he shows up late there he might be turned away when Howard decides that he doesn't want to wait. Greg said that he's not sure why he shows up late but there's some part of him that makes him feel that he has to show up late so he feels that feeling of being overwhelmed. He said he finds it hard to get pumped up and that's one of the things that Jim McClure had to tell him about his show. He said he gets comfortable in the house and he needs to get scared and get worked up to do the show. Gary said he understands what he's saying but he doesn't accept it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they have to treat Artie like they do with sports stars and stuff like that. They let them get away with stuff all the time. Jon said that's a bad example and pointed out Plaxico Burress and Jeremy Shockey who have been suspended for doing certain things.
Jon said that Artie is great on the show and you can't just say that you need that dysfunctional guy to make the show work. Jon said that the only guy who is needed for the show is the one whose name is on it. Jon said that anyone could leave the show and it would still function. Gary said he agrees with that and thinks that it can function without anyone but Howard.
The guys were trying to explain to Greg why Howard gets upset when Artie goes out and does all of these gigs he does and then fails to show up for the show. Gary said that Artie has been more a focus on the show in the past than he is right now but he has that ability to be there. Greg said that Artie can't be told to change because he'll rebel against that. The guys agreed with him on that.
Gary said he thinks that Artie would be more upset if Howard asked him to leave. He said that he would also be upset if he was fired from the show because it would make him look bad. Gary said that he'd be relieved if he didn't have to show up every day though.
Greg said that he's had that feeling. He said that he's felt like shit after being fired like that. Greg said he doesn't think that Artie could do that to Howard and that's why he doesn't go there. Jon had to take a break after that.
Jon brought up the secret Santa thing they did today. Gary said they'll announce the names of the rest of the people tomorrow. He said that once Howard picked that one name everyone else wanted out of the secret Santa thing. Gary said that they were going to do this every day this week and Scott DePace never said he wanted out until today.
Jason said that Evan the engineer pulled out of the whole thing too. He suggested that they have Howard pick last next year. Jason went on to say that Doug Goodstein made them include everyone from Howard TV even though they never see them up there. He said they might need to keep the list shorter next year.
Gary said that it is odd to give someone you don't know a gift. Jon asked Jason if the list is too long because of Doug Goodstein. Jason said that is the case but Doug is a great guy and he'd love to work for him.
Gary said that they wanted to do this on the show because they don't get to know everyone who works there. They'd like to have people that they see every day and don't know, not people who don't even work in the same building. Doug said there are only about 5 people on that list who don't work up there. He said that maybe they shouldn't do it next year.
Jason said that they don't have Doug Herwitt or Laura Lackner's people on the list. Doug said he broke the list down and Jason is being so petty. Doug said that they could start splitting hairs because there are people who work very hard for the show but may not work up there where everyone else works there. Gary said that's why they excluded Doug Herwitt who does the web site. He's never up there but he does work hard for them.
Greg asked if they get bonuses. They don't. Greg said that's the whole point of Christmas gifts then. Gary said that Howard just got fed up with buying 100 gifts a year for everyone up there. Gary said he used to buy 25 gifts and it was out of control. Jon said there were others buying a lot of gifts for people there too.
Greg found it pretty amazing that Howard is only buying one person a gift there. He didn't know that until they explained it to him.
Will said that he's over his feelings about the whole thing. He said that he's fine with the Secret Santa thing now. Will said he just doesn't care anymore. Gary said that Will is there every day and Howard sees him there all the time.
Jon said he thought Doug was against this whole Secret Santa thing. Doug said he's neutral. Last year he was more against it than he was for it. Doug said that wasn't true but they reminded him about what he was saying last year. Doug said that he still gets everyone gifts even though Howard doesn't do it. He said he's going to continue to do that even if the rest of them don't do it.
Gary said that he still gives people gifts too but last year he had to hide it from everyone so Howard wouldn't find out that he gave Jason a gift. He said he had him come into his office and open it away from everyone else.
Greg said that they must have gotten something from K-Rock when they were there. Gary said he never got a thing from them over there. He said that they used to give the employees turkeys around Thanksgiving and that was it. He said they gave it to them like they were handing out gold. Gary figured they paid about 6 bucks for those things.
Gary said he never got a bonus there at K-Rock and the bonus was supposed to be the Christmas parties they threw. Jason said they threw a party for someone who was leaving the company after 20 years and all they had were two pizzas and a bottle of Coke. He said that Tom Chiusano was a cheap bastard.
The guys talked about the last time they tried to chop up the gifts in the wood chipper in the studio. They weren't able to get it up and running that day though. Howard wanted to see some stuff chopped up but the thing didn't work. Gary said that this thing is saving him time since he doesn't have to go out and buy gifts for Howard, Robin and Fred. He said he buys stuff for Will, Jason, Jon Hein, Steve Brandano and JD since they work for him. He said he doesn't even buy stuff for Sal and Richard.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard makes a ton of money and he can't imagine why he doesn't show a little appreciation for his staff. Gary said that it's not a money issue. He said that Howard has to pick out the gifts and the pressure of doing that is what he didn't want to go through. He feels pressure to get everyone gifts there and he didn't want to deal with that anymore.
Doug said that Robin had the formula down by just giving envelopes with cash in them. He said that was a great way of doing things.
Greg said that he should enjoy doing something like that. Jason asked him who bought the gifts for the staff when he was working on sitcoms. Greg said there were times when they would have a 12 days of Christmas thing going on where they got gifts 12 days in a row. That was the sponsors though. He said that when he worked for Ellen Degeneres' show he got things like really nice bath robes and stuff like that. Gary said that Jay Leno gives his staff $1,000 for every year they've worked for him. Gary said he'd be pulling down $25,000 if he were working for Jay.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he was psyched about this ''Yankee swap'' but they shouldn't assign a person and should just buy a gift and then pick a name from a list and they go around the room picking gifts from other people. Gary said that would be boring to the audience though. The caller thought it would work if they did it with about 10 or 12 people.
The caller also said that his cable company says they're going to have Howard TV but they haven't added it yet. He said it's Metrocast Cable in the Connecticut area. He asked Doug to help him out with that.
Greg said that he did a thing for the staff of a show he was working on one time where he donated money to the Darfur thing and he didn't get one thank-you note from anyone.
Jason said that was Lisa's defense system and she was just putting that on to show how she felt. Gary said he has a lot of stuff going on Saturday and he isn't sure if he can go. Jason said that she really needs to track people down and not just send out one e-mail 3 months before the party.
Jon asked Ronnie about that whole thing. Ronnie was on the phone and said that Lisa is off her rocker. He said she's making a huge production out of it and she really doesn't need to do it on the air. He pointed out that she has too many people at the party for her small apartment.
Gary said that she sent the invitation out about 4 weeks ago and hasn't had time to respond to it. He said she must think that her party isn't that important to him but it's just a cookie party, not a wedding. Benjy said that he thought it was the kind of party you can just show up at. He didn't know he had to RSVP to it.
Gary said he was honestly thinking about going to her party. They talked about Robin backing out of it too and wondered if she was ever really planning on going.
Lisa came into the studio so Jon asked her if she would let Howard show up to her party if he decided to come at the last minute. Lisa said that she's not going to answer ''What if'' questions. She said that if Howard said that they forgot to RSVP then that's rude. She sent it out 6 weeks ago and it's rude not to respond. Gary said that she's a megalomaniac and she can't expect them to remember something from 6 weeks ago.
Gary said that Lisa is giving him a hard time and he bets that she's not treating other people there like that. Lisa said she came in to apologize to him if she snapped at him earlier. She just felt insulted by him not remembering.
Gary said that Lisa is still deeply offended by what he did even though she apologized. Jon said he doesn't believe her and thinks that she would have Howard to the party if he said he wanted to come. Lisa said that she's not going to say yes or no to that.
Greg asked if any of the Wack Pack were invited to the party. She said she's not having any of them. Last year she had Joey Boots over according to Jason.
Lisa said that she's having more people to the party this year than last year. Ronnie said that it was very crowded last year. Greg said that Ronnie doesn't take up much space. Ronnie said that neither does Greg.
A caller said that Lisa shouldn't be part of the Secret Santa thing. He thought that Ronnie had said that earlier. Ronnie didn't remember saying it. Jon said that Ronnie says that she's not a team player so that might be why they guy was saying that. Jon asked if she should be part of Secret Santa. Ronnie said that they don't know who she is so he doesn't see a problem with it. There are plenty of others there who aren't that well known.
Ronnie said he got Ralph Cirella in the Secret Santa. Ralph is buying for High Pitch Mike. They had to wrap up the show but Lisa apologized to Gary again before they ended it. Greg threw in a plug for his appearances at Comix. They ended the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show saying that they had a very busy show today. They had Carol Alt coming in to talk about being nude in Playboy magazine. Robin said that they have to talk about her trying to get money out of her ex-husband. Howard said that backfired and now she owes him money. Howard said that rapper T.I. is coming in today as well. Howard said that when you're on probation you can't leave your house before 8 in the morning so they had to reschedule him.
Artie said he knows what that's like since he was on probation when he was younger. He said he was allowed to be out working for a certain amount of time.
The guys talked about why T.I. was on probation and tried to figure out what that was about. Howard said that Carol Alt won't be late since she's not on probation. Howard said that she and her husband may not be getting along though. Howard said that he liked Carol's husband. He thought he was a nice guy. Robin said he wasn't so nice with the comments he came out with during their court case.
Robin pointed out that someone married OJ Simpson as well and look at how that ended up. Howard said he hung out with OJ at Trump's wedding and he can't imagine that he did anything because he was such a great guy. Robin said that he's not going to let him judge anyone after that.
Howard told Artie that a lot of it is from stress but some of it might be from the lack of taking care of himself. He said that he's very unhealthy.
Howard said he heard that Artie ate a couple of Bobby Flay burgers last night at his signing. Artie said that was before he got the call about his ulcer. He said that the fans brought the burgers and they all had some there. He said he ate too fast and the pain of heaving in his stomach is making him think he's going to die.
Gary said he heard that Artie sent Teddy out to get more burgers after the 15 that the fans brought. Artie said Teddy took too long getting back. He said in the time that it took Artie to get the burgers, the Bobby Flay people were able to deliver another order that they placed after Teddy left.
Artie said that there are a lot of people who want to be his assistant and he's able to just yell out to the crowd for help and they get stuff for him within seconds. He said Teddy gets really mad at him about that.
Howard asked Artie what the fans are saying to him at the book signing. Artie said that everyone is being nice to him there. He said that's face to face though.
Howard and Artie talked about the hot chicks that show up at these things. Howard said that there were more hot chicks out in San Francisco than there were anywhere else. Robin said that she had a lot of guys coming to her signings. Artie said most of his are guys but there's about 3 percent hot chicks. He said that one of the girls was a 10 and a former softball player. He said he yells out ''Give Teddy your number'' and some of them will actually do it.
Artie said he got a number for a 20 year old blonde out in Los Angeles and she's an ''L.A. 9.'' He said she's a huge fan too. Howard told him to go with a college girl, that's what he needs. Artie asked if the bleeding ulcer is a turn on for the girls. He said that's a really bad thing.
Artie said he's had some other stomach problems like acid reflux before. He said they were able to treat that though.
Howard said he was glad that Artie was back today. Robin said she thought he sounded healthy yesterday when he called in. Artie said that he starts over thinking this stuff when he's got problems like this. Howard asked if that means he's going to have even more issues. Artie said that when he's out of work he's not out having a good time. He said the fans seem to think he is but that's not the case.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the song from Yucko yesterday was hilarious. Howard just needed to hear that to play the song again. It was Yucko singing about ''Artie the Junkie'' to the tune of ''Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.''
Artie said he might have to pull out his ball point pen and start writing song parodies about Yucko. The caller said that he wanted to hear Artie and his mom singing ''Mozzarella Balls'' that they play around this time. Howard said he'd try to find that. Fred said he wasn't able to find it.
Artie said that he ended up getting pulled over by a cop who ended up giving him two tickets because he didn't recognize him. Artie said that he had two fans recognize him. They came over and took pictures with him while the cop was writing up the tickets. Artie said that he has to renew his license and he has the paperwork at home. He just didn't get around to doing that.
The caller said that Jim Florentine was on Ferrall last night. Howard said he doesn't think that Jim is talking about Robin anywhere. He said that he thinks Robin has that under control but she may still be in love with him. Robin laughed and didn't say much about that.
Artie was saying that they shouldn't even notice when he's out of work. They only notice it because of their crazy work ethic. Artie said he's only been out 17 times in 7 years. Gary said that he has to say that it's actually 12 times in 2 years. Artie said that he was on his way in yesterday and they told him to turn around and go home.
Artie said he doesn't mean to disrespect Howard when he does that. He was really sick this week though. Howard said he had to leave at 10 yesterday because he had a dentist appointment. He told Artie he has to think about doing good radio even if he's got a bleeding ulcer.
Dominic said that Artie having an expired license is no big deal. He said that he can take care of those two tickets and he can take care of those if he sends him copies of the tickets. Artie said it's not a big deal because they're not going to give him any points on his license for either one.
Howard asked Dominic what he can do to get rid of those tickets. Dominic said it's nothing illegal and it's not a big deal. Howard said it's pretty amazing that he can get it done either way.
Artie said that when he was working at the ports he was able to give any ticket he got to a guy and the guy would take care of it for him. It would go away immediately.
Dominic said he had a case where a guy had an expired license and found that the cab driver was doing about 100 when he went through the intersection and his client got off even though he was drunk. He said they dropped the criminal charges on the drunk driver. He got a ticket for that but not a vehicular homicide conviction.
Dominic said that he announced he got divorced and talked about that this week. Artie said he heard. Howard asked Dominic how many marriages this has been. Dominic said he had 3 marriages. He was married to this latest wife twice though.
Howard asked if Dominic is dating yet. Dominic said that he might have a dinner date. Howard told him that maybe a dinner date isn't the best thing to do when he's so into eating. Dominic said that he's looking good and he's down to 203 pounds now so he's looking good. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later.
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Howard said he had some audio of this hockey player Sean Avery in an interview talking about a guy who was dating his ex-girlfriend. He called her his ''sloppy seconds.'' Robin said it was that Elisha Cuthbert chick that used to be on 24 that the guy was talking about.
Howard took a call from Eric the Midget who said that he's been trying to get on the show for the past 3 days. Howard said he just wasn't able to get to him.
Eric asked Howard if he caught the ''Frank TV'' episode last week. Howard said he didn't see it. He said that they did an impression of Howard last week and brought him up in the bit. Howard asked JD why they didn't have tape of that. JD said that he doesn't usually record that show so he didn't have the clip. JD said he'd try to find it on YouTube.
Howard said that JD was merging all of his words into one when he was answering them. He said that he sounds kind of like the Close Encounters sounds when he says stuff. It's like a bunch of syllables that are merged into one. Howard said that if Eric was working there he'd probably have that clip. Eric said that he knew about it before it even aired on TV.
Howard said that between Eric and JD this is some conversation. Fred was doing an impression of JD talking and goofing on him. Robin told JD that he should start talking to Eric about this stuff so he has a heads up on it.
JD said he had to tell Eric to stop e-mailing him after he got a 4 page letter from him about the Diana Degarmo thing. Howard wondered why JD is his contact. JD said that he apparently e-mailed a bunch of people and he was on the list.
Howard asked Eric who else he e-mails. Eric said that he has Will, Jason and Gary when he e-mails the show. Howard said that Eric was demanding a blow job from Natalie Maines. Eric said he's still looking for the apology. Howard said he was also talking about fucking her in the ass so hard that she was going to squeal like the pig she looks like.
The guys were goofing on JD and Eric during the call. Howard said that he likes that they write to each other. JD said the only thing he wrote back to Eric was not to write him anymore. JD told him he didn't want to be part of his shtick. Eric claims that he didn't spell it right. JD knew how to spell it this morning. JD won a spelling bee when he was a kid. Robin told him to bring in his trophy. Howard said they could put it next to the Beetlejuice head in the studio.
The guys were talking and joking around about what a great dad Artie is going to make. Eric was saying that Artie isn't going to make it that long if he has this bleeding ulcer. Howard didn't understand a word Eric said and did an impression of what his call sounded like. Howard did it and then Fred did his impression of Eric's broken up call. Eric said there might be something wrong with his phone.
Howard said that Eric has problems getting the words out sometimes. He gets all worked up and out of breath when he's trying to say long sentences.
Eric said that his store is having a sale for the holidays. Eric said that they have a 2 for 1 sale on the pictures that he's selling. Eric said that he's got a $15, a $22 and a $47 picture deal. That expensive one gets you a phone call from Eric and a photo. Eric said that the $22 is for a personalized photo. Artie said he hopes that people don't think that he's getting a cut of that because he's not.
Howard asked Eric how many he's sold. Eric said that he's sold quite a few but hasn't been keeping track. Eric said that all of the orders are on his computer but he'd have to go through them. Howard went through the numbers that he charges and asked how they came up with $47. Eric said that's just what they came up with it, he's not sure how that number came up. Howard asked what the $15 item is. Eric said that's his autograph without any personalization.
Artie thought it was funny to add ''Hey Dan'' for an additional $7.80. Artie said that's some little empire there. Artie said he's going to send his tiny little midget lawyer to get Eric.
Robin told Eric to go through his computer and find out how many things he's sold. Artie told him to go jump out his window too. Eric said that there isn't much of a fall out his window. Artie said no one cares.
Howard asked Eric where his web site was at. Eric gave the URL, JFSC.tv/eta, and Howard sarcastically said that wasn't too complicated.
Howard was going to let Eric go but they played a bunch of ''Eric the...'' clips where they had Eric saying Eric the Asshole, Eric the Annoying Midget, Eric the Worthless Sack of Shit and other stuff. Howard let Eric go a short time later. They played a song parody that Dan the Song Parody Man put together where he had Eric singing about having stuff in his butt. That made Artie laugh. Howard asked Eric if he had heard that one. Eric hadn't and he didn't find it funny at all. Howard said he should throw that into his deal with the pictures and phone call. He told him he could charge $100 for that.
Howard asked him if he would ever package that song in. Eric said he wouldn't do that. Howard said he would give him permission to do it. Eric didn't seem to care about that. Howard played the song again. Eric wasn't laughing. Howard said that the song is called ''In My Butt.'' Howard let Eric go after that. Fred threw in some more of the ''Eric the...'' clips after that.
Howard played the clip for Artie and got some laughs out of him. The woman sounded kind of like a female Ham Hands Bill to Howard. Artie seemed to find it pretty funny.
Howard said there's a story about this hot chick in the paper who was a dominatrix. She had a couple of guys fighting over her and one guy killed another guy. He said that she's a college graduate and she was into this dominatrix thing. He said that she went to the University of Pennsylvania and that's apparently a pretty tough school.
Howard read about the stuff that this woman was into and these guys were into stuff called ''Sissy Slut Trading.'' He read through some of the other stuff that the guys were into with this dominatrix and it was kind of embarrassing. Howard said that this one guy was so into her that he moved her into his house. Artie said that he knew a guy who told him about one of the managers at the ports who may have been into that stuff. He'd show up to work the next day with rouge still on.
Howard spent a short time reading the article and telling the guys about that. Howard said that once you go into that business there's nothing that the college education is going to do to make you more. Howard read more of the stuff that the chick was into with these guys. There was genital abuse, sitting on the face and things like that. She won't hurt animals though.
Howard said this one guy was so obsessed with this chick that he posted her information out there for people to find and then he ended up killing this other guy that was into her. He kidnapped her too but ended up letting her survive. The guy ended up killing himself.
Howard was reading about Stephan Marbury buying a private jet. He said that doesn't make much sense because the team flies him everywhere. He said you have to be really wealthy to have a jet like that. Artie said he heard that Marbury would go into Mercedes dealers and buy cars for his whole family at one time. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Richard sent him a video of a guy playing along with Van Halen and made it appear as if Eddie was really bad. Richard said you can find it on YouTube if you type in ''Eddie Van Halen Shreds.''
Howard said that Carol Alt was there and he knows that Fred doesn't think that she's a supermodel. Fred said that since she went through her cancer battle, he's giving her a pass. Howard said that Gary said she's about 6'3'' tall with heels on today. Howard said that really turns him on when a chick is that tall.
Gary said that he doesn't mind it if a woman is taller than him. He said he wouldn't care at all. Artie said he dated a chick who was about 4 inches taller than him and it was some of the best sex he's ever had. He said he's not sure he could marry a girl like that though. It was always on his mind that she was taller than him.
Howard said that Carol was there and she decided to get naked at the age of 47. Carol came in and said she's 48. Fred thought she was 50. Howard asked her if she had a cold or something. She said her voice is gone from doing so much press about this Playboy thing.
Howard said he's been reading about Carol being a born again Christian. She said that she's really not. She said that she just had a spiritual awakening. She said that she has been awakened and has been reading the bible every morning. Howard asked her how she works that with her getting naked thing. She said that it's all about saving lives.
Carol said she had uterine cancer and they wanted to cut her from hip to hip and cut that out of her. She ended up changing her diet and was able to cure it without an operation. Carol said she went homeopathic instead.
Howard asked Carol about this cancer and what they told her back when she was first diagnosed. He wanted every detail about her legs being spread and all of that. Howard asked her if she ever thought that she was turning the doctor on. Carol said she was female and she didn't think that she was turning anyone on at the time.
Howard asked if she's ever had a doctor spend too much time on her clitoris or anything like that. He asked if they ever molested her there at the doctors office. She said she was never molested there but she had some other things going on. She said that she was once attacked by a famous tennis player in a hotel room. She said that she was a feisty New Yorker though and she fought him off.
Carol said the guy walked her back to her hotel room to keep her safe but it turns out she would have been safer without him walking her back. She said that he ended up throwing her on the bed and ripping her panties off. He didn't get any more off of her though. She said that she gave him one right to the groin and ran to the water closet and hid in there with the door locked. She said she wrote about this in her book ''This Year's Model.''
Howard asked Carol if he got near her naked buttocks. She said that he did not. She also said that he was a foreign guy and he claimed he didn't know that ''No meant no.''
Howard got back to the cancer thing and asked her what happened next. Carol said that she didn't get a call back about the results of her PAP smear test. She said that she went to an Oncologist and she had already been eating raw foods. Carol said that the doctor told her to keep an eye on everything and just stick to the raw foods. Carol said she goes every 3 months now and gets all of her tests. She said that she's all clear now.
Carol said that she was eating raw foods for a while and the cancer came and went a couple of times. She said that she bought some time with some Progesterone but other than that it was just the food. She said they wanted to chemo her and radiate her and stuff like that. She said that it was a very scary time for her.
Carol said she was doing everything she could and ended up bringing out a raw skin care line. She said that it's such a positive thing that she wanted women to see what they can look like at 47 years old. That's why she did the Playboy layout. Howard said he's really impressed with her breasts. Carol said she's never had a knife to those breasts, they're natural. She said there is no implant in there.
Howard asked why they don't get to see her ''vagine.'' Carol said she wanted to leave something to the imagination. Robin thought they were very beautiful shots of her. Howard said he doesn't usually like the big areolas but she has some nice looking big ones. He said that her nipples are really nice too.
carol said that she didn't want they touching up her pictures so she's not sure if they touched them up at all. Howard asked what she weighs now. Carol said she's 5'10 1/2'' and weighs about 130 pounds. Howard said she's looking really good.
Howard asked Carol about her boyfriend who is a Russian guy who still lives in Russia. Carol said that she's all alone other than him and no one else is knocking on her door. Artie said that he'd take her. Howard told her that Artie is number 1 on the NY Times Bestseller list. Carol said he's doing better than she did.
Howard asked Carol when she was with this Russian guy last. She said it's been a while. Howard asked if she's masturbating a lot. She joked that she's doing it a lot but then said that she's so busy she doesn't have time to do that. Carol said that the Russian guy is really good with her and he's stuck with her through all of this stuff.
Howard asked Carol about her suing her ex-husband. She said that they had a business together and he sold the business without her knowledge. She said that the reason that she didn't get any money was because the statute of limitations had passed on it. She said that the court agreed that he broke the contract but it was too late to do anything about it. Carol said the judge had to make her pay for his lawyer fees and the press made a bigger deal out of it than it really was.
carol said that she didn't know that much about the business because it was a family owned business. She said she wasn't able to keep track of it that closely. She said that she would have gotten $167,000 if she had gotten anything and it's really not that big of a deal.
Howard said that her ex said that he didn't want to see Carol in Playboy and was kind of rude about it. Howard said that he was a nice guy when he came on the show. Carol said that they just went their separate ways and she doesn't carry grudges like he does. Robin said that he hasn't kept his looks and he may be jealous of her. Carol said that could be it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's an oncologist who thinks that Carol is doing a disservice to women by saying that they shouldn't get medical treatment. Carol said that she's not saying that at all, she's just giving people the information about what she did to cure herself. The caller said that she probably took coffee enemas because this doctor she went to is into that stuff. Carol said she does to them herself. Robin said that she does them too and it's not that big of a deal.
Howard asked Carol about the coffee enemas but Carol figured that he was going to make fun of her about it. Howard said that he just wanted to know how she gets the stuff in her. She said that she uses an enema bag, probably just like Robin does. Howard wanted the details even though they've spoken to Robin about it. Carol didn't seem comfortable talking about it but she did talk about how far in she puts the tube and stuff like that.
Howard asked Carol where she does it. She does it in the bathroom on the floor. Howard asked if she spreads her legs. Carol asked Robin how she puts up with this every day. Howard asked if she lubes the tip of the thing. She was saying less and less the more detailed Howard got about the whole thing. Howard asked how much of this coffee you put into your body when you do that. She said it's not that much but she really doesn't think about it.
Howard asked if you have to squeeze your cheeks together to hold it in. Carol said that she does and she has to hold it in for about 10 minutes. She said that she holds it in and then goes to the toilet to let it out. Howard asked if she checks it out after she goes. She said that she does get up to flush so she might see it.
Carol said that she will do anything to stay healthy. That's why she does that stuff. Howard asked if anything weird has ever come out of there. She said no to that. Howard said it sounds kind of sexy when he thinks about her doing that to her ass.
Howard asked if Carol is into anal sex too. She said that there's nothing off limits if you're with someone you love. Howard said that Robin is into that anal stuff. Robin said that she's not ''into it'' but there has been some anal play before.
Howard checked out Carol's issue of Playboy again. He asked her more about her ex-husband but Carol said she wasn't going to say anything negative about him. She said she had 15 amazing years with that man. She said she loves him and loved him from the moment she met him. Carol said that he was unhappy and he ended up getting the woman that was right for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why she only shows one boob at a time in the pictorial. Carol said they took thousands of shots and that's just the way it ended up. She wasn't going for that. Another caller said that it looks like her two nipples are very different and that's why she only shows the one at a time. Howard checked out the picture that the guy was talking about and her boobs looked perfect to him.
Howard said he bets guys spend a lot of time kissing those things when they're with her. Carol said they do. The caller said that there's one shot where her one nipple looks a little strange. He said it's the right side that looks odd. Carol said she's never had any complaints. The caller said it looks like it might be inverted or something. Carol said it's not so she's not sure what he's seeing.
Another caller said that he wanted to congratulate her on the spread. He asked her what kind of panties she was wearing now. She wasn't wearing any but she was wearing pantyhose. Howard jokingly said that Carol told him that panties can cause cancer. The caller asked how her bush is doing. She asked if he was talking about President Bush and didn't answer the question.
Carol asked why guys think they can be rude when a person does Playboy. Howard asked if he was being rude. She said he wasn't but the callers were.
Another caller said that he thinks that fate got him through on the phone to Carol today. He said he can ward off cancer cells with his semen so he wanted to help Carol out. He said he'd have to pump a couple of quarts into her to help her out. Carol said that was a nice offer. The caller said she might need a quart in the back and a quart in the front. It's going to cost her about $100 a quart.
A caller was pretending to jerk off as he called in. He said he was jerking off on her ass in the Playboy layout. The guy kept up the fake orgasm a little too long so Howard hung up on him.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked who the biggest pain in the ass was on The Apprentice. Carol said she made it to third place in the show and people told her that she thought she should have won. Howard said that they ended up hiring Trace Adkins in the end.
Irish John called in and asked what she got paid to do Playboy. She said she can't talk about that. She said that it's in her contract that she can't say what she got paid. She said that she was thinking about doing it before she even heard how much they'd pay her.
Howard asked Carol if she has to use lube at her age. She said she doesn't have to use anything like that. She has no problem. John asked if she could have made even more when she was younger. Carol said that they offered her more now than they did when she was younger.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Fred about his supermodel comments that he's made in the past. He thought that Fred was changing his tune now that she was in the studio. Fred said that's not the case. He's spoken to her about it on the show before. Fred said he did want to know if she ever fucked Warren Beatty. She didn't want to say but Fred said he thinks that Warren Beatty kills women with his semen. He said that any woman he's touched has either turned ugly or has gotten sick.
Howard said he heard that Carol went off on Warren Beatty on the set of some movie. She said that she has been very honest with Warren. She went off on him about dating Madonna. She said she doesn't sleep with people to get ahead though. Fred said he seems as dumb as a box of rocks. carol said that he was very funny.
Howard asked Carol more about this thing she went off on Warren about. She was trying to get a part in a movie and tried to talk him out of letting Madonna play the part. Howard wanted her to say that he has a small penis and make him feel better. Carol said that it was 30 years ago and she doesn't remember. She said that it was more like 18 years ago. She said that she wasn't a virgin when he had her but she was very young. Howard said that guy has the life. He had an 18 or 19 year old Carol Alt. She said that he came out to meet her whole family and the whole neighborhood came out to see him.
Carol said that Warren did something with the telephone that impressed her. She said that he used all of his fingers when he dialed it and it was very impressive to her. Howard said that he must have been good with his fingers in bed too then. She said that he must be because he has had so many women.
A caller asked Carol how often she moves her bowels. She said she doesn't count. She said she does enemas in the morning so that might count as one. Howard asked if she does that every day. She said she does them when she wants to.
Carol said that she and Howard saw each other out at a party this weekend and showed him some of her nude shots that she had on her iPhone. Howard said that Beth was there and saw them looking at the pictures. Howard said that Beth was extra attentive to him that night. Carol said she had to apologize to Beth for that.
Howard said that he's glad that she posed for Playboy and he was glad she came in. Howard said Carol was also in his movie and he had to thank her for doing that. Howard said he still kicks himself in the ass for being so professional on the set of the movie. He said he should have banged her when he had the chance.
Carol said she brought Howard and Beth a little gift for their wedding. Howard asked if it was an enema. She said it wasn't. Fred got a laugh out of that. Howard wrapped up with Carol and gave her some plugs for her Playboy issue and her book. They went to break a short time later.
After the break we heard a prank call Sal pulled on a telemarketer that called their office. Fred also played some David Bowie ''Space Oddity'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and sang along to the David Bowie song a little bit. He spent a minute talking about SIRIUS XM radio and said that he kind of likes the name XM better but he does like that SIRIUS was able to take them over. Howard said he kind of likes being able to hear some of the XM shows that they have on SIRIUS now too. He said he can listen to Bob Dylan and stuff like that. He's not a huge Dylan music fan and wouldn't go to see him in concert or anything. Howard said he has done some cool stuff though.
Howard said he's heard some stories about Bob Dylan and how he grew up hating where he lived and stuff like that. Howard said he didn't deal with his parents and he apparently detested him. Artie said when Dylan moved to the Village it was like that's where his life began.
Howard said that Dylan would go to his friend's houses and read the books they had in their libraries. He said that he's kind of like Ralph in a way. Howard said he's just waiting for Ralph to show some kind of talent like that.
Artie read the Dylan autobiography book and said that there were some cool stories about him and Woody Guthrie that he remembered. He told him about some of that stuff. The guys spent a minute talking about that. Howard said he can't listen to a whole Dylan album in one sitting. He said that his songs just go on far too long.
Artie said he wanted to hear Dylan's radio show. Robin said that's how this all came up because Howard said he was able to hear it now.
Howard said that singer T.I. is going to be coming in a little later. He said he likes this single he has out that he does with Rhianna. Howard played some of the song after talking about it. Howard said that song speaks to him. He said he gets the chills when he hears it.
Howard asked Ronnie if he was wearing shoulder pads. Ronnie said he's not. Howard said that was the rumor going on there. Ronnie said it's just his suit. He said that it was Jason who pointed that out and he's just jealous because he can't wear anything.
Jason said that yesterday he was wearing about 3 inches of stuff under his shoulders. Ronnie said that he's not wearing shoulder pads. Jason said he had JD check yesterday and he found the pads in there. Ronnie said that he doesn't have extra padding in there. He said he'll wear the same suit on Monday to show them.
Robin said that there's always a little t-shirt under his buttoned down shirt all the time. Ronnie said that's his new change for now. Artie said that's what they call a ''Jersey Ascot.''
Howard said that Ronnie is just trying to show that he's edgy. Fred ended up playing the Miami Vice theme song while they were talking about Ronnie's new look.
Howard asked Ronnie if he's plucking his eyebrows now too. Ronnie said he just trims them. He said he's not plucking them. Howard said it looks like he shaved off his eyebrows. Ronnie said he knows he went too far with it.
Robin asked Ronnie if he's getting Andy Rooney eyebrows. Ronnie said that he's not. The Howard TV guys were showing a close up of his eye brows so Ronnie went off on Doug Goodstein for paying too much attention to him. He said that Doug should take a look at his own eyes.
Howard said that Ronnie is wearing some nice glasses now too. He said they're very expensive Bulgary. Ronnie said they were about $500. Howard said he can't believe what he's seeing with his eyebrows. Robin said he's got some crow's feet going on there too. Ronnie said that at least he doesn't have to wear make up.
Ronnie is still coloring his beard. He has no problem admitting to that. He's not doing his hair though. Sal was making fun of him out in the hall so Ronnie pointed out that Sal wears make up and just picked up a bunch of stuff from some guy out there. He said Sal is such a faggot.
Howard and Robin goofed on Ronnie a little more after he left. they were talking about all of these changes that he's been making lately with his new look and Mambo cologne.
Howard read some information about T.I. and his new album ''Paper Trail.'' He played some tracks off his album. Howard said that he was arrested for carrying some machine guns when the feds set him up. Howard said that they claim that he was set up by his body guard. Howard said that T.I. may have been trying to buy some guns through his body guard and the guy got him into trouble.
Howard said that T.I. picked up the guns during the BET Awards rehearsal and they found guns in his vehicle and half a pound of pot too. They threw the book at him because of all of that.
Artie said that the guy, who is a cop, that flies him in the helicopter told him some stories about pulling over Ol' Dirty Bastard used to take shots at them when he'd get pulled over and stuff. He said he's got some great stories like that. He said he's trying to get the guy to call in and tell the stories.
Howard said that T.I. was under house arrest for 5 months and he still has to go away to prison for all of the stuff he got busted for.
Howard did his impression of Scott and that ''Chhh'' sound he makes. Howard said that Scott was freaking out about the news about the Secret Santa thing on the news too. Howard said that they decided to just change the way things work around there because things got out of hand for a while. Robin said they forgot Scott one year and he got upset about that.
Howard said he got a note about Scott yelling about not being appreciated there. Howard said that he has to get over that. Scott said it's obvious. He came in and said that it's not just him who is upset there. He said that everyone is upset that they're not appreciated there. Howard said that he doesn't get anything from his boss.
Scott went off on Howard telling him that he's always complaining about his layered clothes and being too hot and too cold. He gave him a ''Fuck Ya!'' Artie told him to calm down so he doesn't get himself fired.
Howard told Scott that he's letting him off the hook with the whole gift buying thing so he should appreciate that. Scott said that he might be miserable but Howard is constantly bitching and whining about everything. Howard said that's not true. Scott said it is true.
Howard brought up Scott's problem with Tim last year when he didn't get an iPod like everyone else there did. Scott said it wasn't about the iPod, it was about the fact that he's under appreciated there. Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of Scott freaking out.
Howard said that Lisa G was out there complaining about him not buying everyone a gift. Howard said that he's going to do away with that news department next year. Howard said that he isn't her boss. He said that people don't get that. He said that he's not the boss there, he's just an employee like everyone else there. Howard said that no radio business is giving bonuses to anyone and he's not sure why they expect this shit from him. He told Scott that he's not his boss, Mel Karmazin and Scott Greenstein are his boss.
Howard told Scott that he doesn't work for him. He said he's not the one signing his paycheck. Howard said that he might have a job because of him but he's not his boss. Howard said that Scott is the one who overlooks him and doesn't get him a gift. Howard said he hopes that T.I. guns Scott down.
Howard said he barely knows Lisa G and he's not sure why she expects him to get her something. Howard said he's not Santa and he has a laundry list of family that he has to buy gifts for. Gary said that Lisa is out there reaching a decibel level that's hurting his ears.
Gary also said that Scott DePace is out there complaining about Howard not giving gifts. Lisa came in and said that she never said that Howard should buy everyone gifts. Howard told her that he recommended her for that job and she should be appreciative of that.
High Pitch Mike came in and said that Lisa did say that Howard should buy them gifts during a debate in the news room the other day. Lisa said that this all got twisted around and she never said that. Lisa said that she did say something last year about maybe getting a fruit basket or something. Howard said that they should be kissing his ass instead. He said he's not their boss and they should be asking Scott Greenstein and Mel Karmazin for this stuff.
Howard asked Mike if he's gotten any gay sex yet. Mike said he hasn't yet but he's hoping it'll be soon. He said he was hoping to get some at Lisa G's cookie party but he's not sure if he's invited anymore.
Lisa said that it felt like Howard had just stabbed her in the heart over this. Mike said that he didn't want to go to her cookie party but if he doesn't show up, he's going to hear about it for the next year. Howard said that Mike was basically saying that the cookie party was too gay even for a gay man. Mike said that he could go to a gay bar and it would be less gay.
Howard let Lisa and Mike go after that. Artie said that his gift to Howard is coming to work on time and being there every day.
Howard asked T.I. about his upbringing and found out he was raised by his grandmother. T.I. said that his parents weren't around but he doesn't get too upset about that. He said he misses his mom sometimes but he gets over it. T.I. said he lost his virginity at 11 to a 13 or 14 year old. Howard said he didn't even know he had a dick back then. Howard said he thought he was the man losing it at 16 but now he doesn't feel that way. He said that T.I. must have been a good looking kid at 11 if he was getting it that young.
Howard told T.I. that he's a big fan of this song he did with Rhianna. He said he'd love to do her. He asked T.I. if he got to do her. T.I. didn't get her but he said he has worked with her on some shows and stuff.
Howard asked T.I. about his weapons and drug bust. T.I. said that he's got a curfew now and restricted hours that he can go out. He said he hasn't been doing any drugs since that bust either. He said he gave up the weed after that.
Robin asked T.I. what he was doing buying those heavy artillery guns. T.I. said that it wasn't about looking cool or anything. He said that he has dangers in his life that are very real and back in 2006 his best friend was killed right in front of him. He said that someone made an attempt on his life and ended up killing his friend. He said there are people out there who would rather kill him over his success instead of just congratulating him.
T.I. said that after you go through extreme conditions like that you have a lot of paranoia about your safety. The people who killed his friend weren't brought to justice either so he has a lot of worries about that stuff. Howard asked if he explained that to the judge. T.I. said he didn't get to say much to the judge at all. T.I. said that he hoped that he wouldn't have to use those guns ever.
T.I. said that he's safer now than he's ever been. He said he's monitored by the feds daily now so he's very safe. He said he has to go to jail for a year now and he thinks it might be a good thing to get his life in order.
T.I. said that he has been to jail before so he knows what to expect. He said that if you have never walked in the shoes of someone like him then you don't know what it's like. Howard said that the guys in prison are probably going to ask him to set them up on the business and stuff. T.I. said that those conversations are going to be very short.
Howard said that T.I. has to do a year and a day in prison. Robin asked if he's going to lift weights and stuff in there. T.I. said that there are no weights to lift. Howard asked if he's going to have conjugal visits. He said he won't do that and won't allow visitors. Howard said he'd come to visit. T.I. said he doesn't want anyone coming to visit. He said he'd rather have people remember him as he was.
Howard said that T.I. will be able to beat off in prison if he wants. Artie said that he was in county jail for 13 hours and even he beat off. He said he did that 3 times in 13 hours.
Howard said that T.I. wrote this latest album while he was under house arrest. He said he made good time out of that house arrest.
T.I. has 6 kids and he's only 28 years old. Robin asked what that's all about. Robin asked how many baby mamas he's got. T.I. said there are 3 mothers for his kids. Howard asked if he ever wears rubbers. He said he does when he needs to. He said he's going to miss his kids while he's away but he'll be able to put all of that behind him once he's done.
T.I. said that he's got a lot of stuff going on while he's away. He's got a bunch of stuff that will be working for him while he's away. Howard played the T.I. and Rhianna song off his album Paper Trail that he likes.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked why T.I. doesn't want to see his kids. Howard said he doesn't want to see anyone. Dominic said that they might be willing to let him get out earlier than the year. He said there are various programs that could get him out earlier. Dominic asked if he's wearing a monitor now. T.I. said that he is. He asked if this was his P.O. on the phone.
Howard asked to see the monitor on his leg. T.I. showed it to him and Howard said ''look at the size of that thing.'' T.I. asked if he was talking about the monitor or something else. He said that he's heard that from some people before when he wasn't wearing the monitor.
Howard asked T.I. about how the song came up and if he hears the whole thing in his head. T.I. said that the backing track was made up and he just came up with the lyrics for it.
Howard talked to T.I. about his life now and how many cars he has and stuff like that. T.I. said that he doesn't have a stripper pole in his house or anything like that. He said that he's very exclusive with the women he's with. He said he has one woman right now. He said that she's 32 or 33 years old. Howard said that's a little old for him. T.I. said he likes it that way. He's not into the younger chicks. Howard asked him why he's settling down with just one. T.I. said he's happy.
Howard asked T.I. if he has a name for his house. T.I. said he just calls it ''my house.'' He didn't name it ''Bubble Hill'' or anything like Eddie Murphy would do.
Howard asked T.I. what famous people he hangs out with. He said he's hung out with will Smith and his wife and some other people. He said that party was nice and they had good food there. Howard said that Tom Cruise was supposedly at that party. T.I. said he didn't see him there.
Howard asked T.I. who else he saw at that party. T.I. said he didn't want to say because it was kind of a private thing.
Howard gave T.I. a plug for his album and clothing line Akoos. It stands for A King Of One Self. That stuff is available at Macy's. T.I. said he's got partners in that business but he's definitely hands on with it.
Howard said he likes the facial hair that T.I. has and he might have to give that a try. Howard said Robin seems to be getting all wet over that. Howard asked her if she would do him. She said she wouldn't but Howard told T.I. that she's dating a 25 year old. Howard said she's been with white guys and black guys. Howard told T.I. that she dated Mr. X for 10 years and he was even darker black than he is. T.I. got a laugh out of that.
Howard asked T.I. who he thinks is the hottest chick out there. He said that most of them are taken right now. Howard said he could name them. T.I. said that he likes Alicia Keys. Howard said her ass is way too big. T.I. said there is no such thing. He said that a big ass is cool as long as the waist is small. He said he doesn't eat ass though. Fred threw in a fart sound and got a big laugh out of T.I.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard and T.I. have things in common. He said that he and T.I. have ended careers. He said that T.I. should tell them about this guy Little Flip. T.I. said he and that guy got into a fight years ago.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's a big fan of T.I. and his finding God. T.I. said that he's definitely seen that god has a hand in his life. He said he's survived a lot of stuff and he figures that you don't go through that stuff without help from above.
King of All Blacks called in and said he likes this new album. He said that he's second to Jay-Z and that's a big compliment of all time. Howard asked why he's second to him. King said that Jay-Z is the best and he'll always be number one to him. Howard said he thinks that T.I. is even better than Jay-Z and he's not afraid to talk about that. T.I. said that Jay-Z was only on his second album by the time he was his age. He's on his sixth.
Howard asked Artie to sing the Biggie Smalls song he knows. Artie went right into it and recited the whole thing with the N-word intact. T.I. told him to take it easy there. He said he got away with one mention of the word. Artie said he's cool.
Howard asked T.I. about his kids and found out some of the names. He has a King, Messiah, Major and Deja among others. Artie said he's going to name his kid in an old school way and just name him Disappointment.
Howard played some more stuff off of T.I.'s album. He asked what the song was about. T.I. said it's about the woman he's with now.
Gary asked T.I. what he does when he has the feds around him and wants to bang chicks. He said he's able to do that without a problem. Howard gave T.I. some more plugs for his album and wrapped up and then went to break.
Robin asked Mike if Patrick Swayze is dying or not. Mike said that they did this same thing with Michael Landon back when he was dying and he denied it on the Tonight Show and died a short time later. He said that Patrick might be taking it as an invasion of privacy but they just want people to know how he's doing.
Howard said he read that Kelly Ripa and her husband Mark Consuelos are supposedly getting divorced. Howard said that they seemed fine when they were at his wedding just a few weeks ago. Mike said he doesn't know that much about this one.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said they have some news about High Pitch Mike's coming out of the closet and how there's a huge stir on the web about the whole thing. He said they have some news about Mike saying that he was going to ride the Sybian if Obama was elected. He said that way back in May. Steve said that Mike isn't a fan of Obama's.
Steve said that they have live coverage from Lisa G's cookie party on Saturday night on Howard 101. Howard said he thinks that Mike is going to get laid at that party.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview next. He ran down the list of things they were going to try and cover today.
Mutt also got on and gave a quick preview for tonight's Superfan Roundtable show. That's on Howard 101 tonight at 7pm.
Artie said that he had French toast. Howard saw how much syrup he had on it and told him that was way too much. Artie said that his doctor told him that was a good thing for his ulcer. Howard asked him if that was Dr. Bombay.
Robin got to her news and read some stuff about Al Franken's election results and they're still recounting them at this point. No one is sure who won that race. Howard said that if Al came that close to winning that election he should just be able to take that spot. He said it would be great if he did some of those old characters he did on Saturday Night Live.
Robin said that people there have been complaining about Howard today. Howard said that's right and they won't have him around to do that to in 2 years when he leaves. He said that everyone will have to beg Mel and Scott Greenstein for gifts after they beg for their jobs.
Robin read a story about this woman who knew Hitler and said that he was a good man back when she knew him. She said that he gave all of his friends gifts around Christmas time.
Robin read some news about girls doing this ''embedding'' thing where they shove things in their bodies to feel something. Howard said that stuff had to have started with one kid. He wondered where that kind of thing starts. Robin said they shove it in the skin until it's inside and just leave it there.
Robin read some news about the Grammy nominations and played some audio of some of the nominees. One of the songs was too fruity for Artie. Fred said that one was a good one to get butt fucked by. They went through a bunch of songs and talked about how gay some of them were. Howard ended up singing a tune as he made it up to the tune of one of the ''fruity'' songs they were playing. Howard did it in his effeminate voice. He had Artie cracking up during that performance. Robin told Howard that he should be writing this stuff down instead of just fooling around. Artie said that it was the same as the crap they were playing and it should be just as popular on iTunes if he put it out.
Robin read a story about the Pledge of Allegiance and asked Howard if he knew it. Howard recited it but may have gotten some of it wrong. Artie said Howard was right. Howard said that JD could say the whole pledge in one word. Fred did an impression of him doing that and mumbled it out. Howard said that the ''under god'' part of the pledge wasn't added until the 1950s.
Howard said that the original salute for this country was the same as Hitler's until Hitler became so well known. Benjy said he's read about that and there are pictures of people saluting to the flag the same way. Robin said she's never seen any pictures like that.
Robin said the auto makers are back in Washington DC and didn't fly in on private jets. They drove this time. She had some audio of the head of Chrysler talking about how this bail out could save our way of life. They had the head of the UAW talking about how they're not to blame for all of the problems the companies are having. She had a couple of other various audio clips from these guys talking about the whole thing.
Robin had some audio of Barack Obama talking about a few various things. She had some audio of some people talking about the attacks in Mumbai. They spent a short time on that subject. Howard did his Bill Clinton impression for a short time during that discussion. Then he pretended to be Bill Clinton calling Hillary from Rick's Cabaret. He was playing loud music over himself and some stripper sounds and porn clips at the same time.
Robin had some news about Elliot Spitzer who is writing some columns for Slate.com. She said that it looks like there are problems in the Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos marriage right now. Artie said that she was hitting on him a lot at the wedding. He said that she even told him to come on Regis and Kelly to promote his book. He said he had his publicist call them and they told him ''No!'' Artie said that she told him to call so he's sorry if they bugged her at all about it. Robin said that Kelly and Mark have denied the rumors about their marriage failing.
Robin read a story about a couple of football players being suspended for using steroids. A judge has stepped in and let them get back on the team though. Robin had a story about Barbara Walters upcoming special who are her most fascinating. Howard said that those are people who agreed to do it and they're probably not all that fascinating.
Artie said that he had his publicist call Regis and Kelly's show twice and they told them both times that they had nothing for him. He said Kelly was so nice about the whole thing that it sounded like she really wanted him there.
Robin had some audio of Barbara Walters talking about her upcoming special and how great she thinks it's going to be. She also had some audio of Barbara talking to creepy Tom Cruise. Robin had a couple of clips of Barbara talking about Cruise and then Will Smith.
Robin had a story about a video that's out about the Proposition 8 thing. She had some audio of that. Howard cut it off after about 3 seconds when he started to play it. Howard said he had to get out of there, he had things to do.
Robin read that the Punisher movie is going to be in theaters this weekend. Howard said he'll go see that. Robin said there's another new movie called Cadillac Records and had some audio of some of the actors talking about that. Howard didn't last long with that stuff either. Robin wrapped up a short time later. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
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Benjy said he didn't know that they follow him around like that. Gary said he thinks that he must have worked a deal so he could go out and work.
Gary said that they had to reschedule T.I. because he wasn't allowed to leave his hotel room until 8 in the morning. They had to move his and Carol Alt's appearances around.
Jon said that Robin was almost throwing herself at T.I. Gary said that they have to talk to her about that and about her 25 year old boyfriend. He said they haven't brought that up since they got back from vacation.
Jon said that when T.I. talked about not letting anyone visit him in jail Howard didn't seem to take it very seriously. Gary said he gets why he didn't want some people to see him in jail but he'd want some friends to visit him if he was in jail.
Jon played some audio from the interview where T.I. talked about his belief in god. Then he took a call from a guy who said he noticed that when Artie did his Biggie rap T.I. kind of put a stop to that. The caller said that he got scared when he heard that moment. Gary said that it was a tense moment. He wondered if it was because he didn't know the song or thought Artie was making it up.
Benjy said that T.I. did look over at Artie the first time he used the N-word and then stopped him after the second time. Gary said he didn't know how he was going to react so you have to be careful when you do stuff like that.
The caller said that it was a good interview today. He wished Jon a Happy Hanukkah before he got off the line. Another caller said that a lot of these black guys like T.I. and Katt Williams basically say the same kind of stuff when they come in. Gary said he didn't think that was the case at all. He said that T.I. was pretty low key unlike Katt Williams.
The caller also mentioned that Fred said something really funny about one of the songs they played today. He said that it was a song that would be good to get butt fucked by. Gary missed that part. The caller thought it was very funny and very un-Fred like.
Jon said that it was funny that T.I. was kind of protective of Will Smith and his wife when they were asking him about that. Gary said that they really didn't know what it was going to be like to interview the guy since they hadn't seen him in any interviews before. They kind of had to figure it out along the way.
Jon wondered if the guys had any idea who T.I. was. Gary said he really didn't know when he was offered him as a guest. He had to go and google him and ask Will who he was.
Gary said that none of them had ever met T.I. before so they didn't know what he looked like. Jason is in charge of taking pictures and ended up taking a picture of the wrong black guy when he was supposed to take a shot of T.I.
Teddy was telling Jon that the start of that T.I. and Rhianna song they played today is from a really hard core song from Europe by a bunch of goofy guys. Gary said they were ready to play that song during the interview but Howard didn't go down that road. Teddy played a tiny bit of the original song that they sampled.
Jon told the caller that it's tough around there to know just how much to throw someone under the bus. Gary said there are people who do it in secret ways but Jason is one who isn't afraid to stand up and say that it's him.
Gary said that Richard did something odd today and said that being invited to a party months in advance is crazy because he doesn't know what he's going to be doing months from that time.
Jon said that Jason was the one who told him about Ronnie and his possible shoulder pad wearing. Gary said that he didn't know that Ronnie was in the studio when he went in and told Howard about it. Gary said Ronnie was in the dark and didn't know that he was there. Gary said he was whispering it to Howard when Ronnie heard him. Gary said Ronnie yelled out ''Fuck you, you fat fuck!'' when he heard him filling Howard in on the story.
Jon and Gary also talked about Scott the Engineer's blow up today. Gary said that Scott was still acting crazy during the break and someone had to tell him to calm the fuck down. Gary said that the whole thing with the iPod last year is kind of funny but it has to sting that he didn't get anything.
Scott was in there so Jon asked him if he really meant it today. Scott said he had to talk about the comment he made during the commercial and said that it wasn't a big deal and Howard laughed when he said it. He said that he told Howard that he was bitching again when he got his food.
Scott said that there are some people there who think that Howard isn't showing his appreciation for the work they do. He said that some of them don't get paid that much and they'd like to have some kind of gift. Jason said that there are some celebrities out there who buy stuff for the people they work with but it's not mandatory. Jason said that Howard chooses not to do it and you can take it however you want.
Scott said that this is going to be the second year in a row that an intern is going to get a couple thousand dollar gift. Jason said he feels happy for the interns when that happens. Gary said he'd like to see him pull out JD's name.
Scott said he heard that the intern that Howard picked hates his job there. Jon said that's an unfair rap because he was on the Intern Show last night talking about how great it was that he got picked.
Gary said that Scott DePace told him that he's buying gifts for his immediate staff. Gary said that Robin also brought up that he bought stuff for his immediate staff. Jason said that they should all be allowed to give any gifts they want to anyone there. They don't have to stick with the Secret Santa rules.
Jason and the guys were asking Scott who his intern was last year and if he gave them anything for Christmas. Scott said he's not their boss and he didn't get them anything. He has no control over people getting hired or fired. Scott said they're only there for 3 months so it's not like they're there for a really long time.
Jon asked Jason if he thinks he takes a lot of shit about throwing people under the bus. Jason said that he does because people hate it when he does stuff like that. He said that he still thinks that Ronnie was wearing shoulder pads yesterday and he's going to stand by that story.
Ronnie called in and said that Jason has turned into the new Stuttering John and that's his job to do that stuff there. He said that's okay and he has no problem with that. He said he knows better than to talk around him now. Ronnie said that if Howard was wearing a suit he'd have padding in his too. Ronnie said that Jason is just jealous that he can't wear clothes like that. Ronnie went off on Jason saying that he gets that look of a little old lady on his face when he's gossiping around there and he can go ahead and keep doing it.
Ronnie said that Will throws people under the bus and brags about it while people like Will just keep their mouths shut. Jason said that Will throws people under the bus all the time.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie was trying to do an impression of Dalton from the movie ''Road House.'' No one got the reference at first. The guy had a little bit of an effeminate voice so Ronnie was goofing on him about that.
Gary told Ronnie that he can call in from his desk phone if he wants to. Ronnie said he was out on the road so he couldn't do that.
Jon asked Ronnie about the eyebrow problem he had today. Ronnie said he kind of went a little too deep when he trimmed them the other day. Benjy asked him if he trims his pubic area. Ronnie said he may do that. He said that it is groomed.
Jon asked Ronnie about the people who are talking about Howard not buying them gifts this year. Ronnie was saying that there are some people there who are complaining. Scott told him to be careful about what he says. Ronnie didn't get why he was saying that because he didn't say anything about who it was.
Jason said he liked that Scott kind of threw that stuff back in Howard's face today. Gary said that won't be good for Scott's future being rehired. Scott said that he felt that most people there were upset about the whole thing and that's why he was standing up for them.
Gary pointed out that Antonio Pierce is going to jail now and he may have visited Scott's studio when he was interning for them. That might be that Scott black cloud following him around.
A woman called in and said she can't believe that Lisa G is complaining about this stuff. Jason said that Lisa G is the reason they're doing Secret Santa there. He said that she was the one who bitched about gifts back in 2006 and that's what led to Howard stopping the regular gift giving. Gary said he agrees with Jason on that even though Lisa would hate to hear them saying it.
Jason said that there are also some people who are upset that they're not on the list at all. He said that he can't say who they are because the way he found out was kind of shady. Jon had to go to break after that.
Gary said that Lisa did apologize to him but she did make a comment about her party not being like the Elks lodge. Gary said he's over all of that stuff though.
Jon brought up Carol Alt and asked Gary how he thought she looked. Gary said that she looked great. He said that he's not sure why she waited until now to appear in Playboy though. Jon said that she was saying that she wanted to show women how good they can look at that age. She just turned 48.
Jon asked if it was cool that Fred gave her a free pass on the Supermodel thing today. Gary said that Carol was kind of bummed out that he was giving her that free pass. Fred gave her that free pass because of her getting over cancer.
Jon said that Carol went to a raw food diet and claims that she cured herself. Benjy said that he's into that whole raw food thing. Gary cut him off and said that he looks like he's into raw food. Benjy said that she's been doing raw food for like 15 years and it could show that raw food could have caused it just as much as it cured it.
Gary said that he thinks that some people can use mind over matter and maybe the food thing works for her. If that's the case then she should keep it up.
Jason said he hates when people get on and claim that they can cure stuff like that with a special diet. He said he hates that Jenny McCarthy claims she cured her kid of Autism with diet. He also thinks it's dangerous when she's running around telling people that they can cure themselves with this diet. Jon and Gary said that it works for her so it's fine if she continues to think that it cured her.
Gary said that it's funny when guests come in and mention something like taking a coffee enema and Howard goes deep into details about it. He said that even Carol was shocked when Howard asked her about what she lubes up the tip of the enema tube with. That led to Jon playing a short clip from that segment.
Jon brought up the part where Fred suggested that Warren Beatty may have given Carol cancer. Gary said that Fred was right about Annette Benning getting ugly right after Warren hooked up with her.
Shuli asked if they think that Artie got off easy today. Gary and Jason said they already spoke to Shuli about that for a news report. Jason said that people have gotten goofed on by Howard on the show when they do crazy stuff and Artie doesn't get yelled at and just laughs off the whole thing. Jon said that there are plenty of future shows and this subject will come up again. It's not over for Artie yet.
A caller said that he didn't like the comment he made about Jenny McCarthy earlier. The caller said his 3 year old has Autism and the diets do change people. Jason asked if his son was cured. The caller said it's not a cure but it eliminates the negatives in his life.
Jason said that he's sorry about this caller's son but he doesn't like people going out and claiming that this stuff cures people when it might only be helping a little bit. He said that Jenny McCarthy was claiming that her son was ''cured'' of autism and that's a dangerous thing.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that she had to agree with the stuff that Greg Fitzsimmons was saying about the show yesterday. She agreed with what he was saying about the show being like a mobile and if you take one piece away, it changes the show drastically. Gary asked if the show doesn't work when that one piece is taken away. She said that the show is missing something when Artie isn't there.
Jason thought that Greg came off arrogant on the show yesterday with the stuff he heard yesterday. He said that he thinks he's out of his mind with the Artie stuff. Gary said that Greg was explaining to him the dynamic he apparently doesn't know about. Shuli said that he was sitting there listening to it and couldn't believe what he was saying to Gary. They spent another minute on that before they had to end the show.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 5:40pm.