|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started off the show talking about T-Pain coming in later in the morning. Robin wanted to hear some of his work before he came in. Howard said he's in the top 5 songs almost every week lately. Artie knew some of his lyrics so he recited a couple of those.
Howard said Ham Hands Bill is coming in today and he's going to be the second contestant in the ''I Want to be Howard Stern'' contest. Howard said he's up against some tough competition though. He said that other guy, Dante, was really good.
Howard and Artie did their impressions of Bill and what he'll be doing on his show tonight. They were making stuff up and doing their voices. Howard had Ham Hands Bill's audition so he played that. Bill was talking about how he loves butt cheeks and how it's in people's nature to want to lick and smell a young woman's ass.
Robin said that was amazing to her that he talks about that stuff. They talked about Bill saying that he's ''always cumming'' which Artie said was gross.
Bill was also talking about the women he'd like to sniff the assholes of. He mentioned a few celebrity names and also got in a plug for his web site in that clip.
Howard said that guy is going to have a full hour of a show tonight. Howard said he can't even say his own name clearly. He and Artie got back to their impressions and goofed around with that for a short time.
Howard said he was willing to give the award to her for them so he offered to do that. He said he's not sure if they taped it or not though. Howard said he had to make sure he said the right things and spent a couple of hours getting his speech right.
Howard said that people are scum bags because they don't take care of their pets and they end up in shelters. He said that there are so many that they end up putting them to death one every second.
Howard said he wondered why Beth was putting herself through this marathon thing because it was so tough on her body. She was doing it for the pets because she was able to raise so much money for them.
Howard said that they went down to Louisiana to save some pets and they found one that was in her cage for like 9 hours doggy paddling. She was the only dog that survived in that shelter. The dog, Abby, is now living with Doug Herwitt who runs Howard's web site.
Howard said that Beth is very passionate about these dogs and he talked about that in his speech. He also talked about the people who made the films for the Dogcatamy awards. He said that Beth was so turned on that he did that, that she was going crazy over it. He said she almost dropped dead when he showed up and gave her the award. Her mother was there to see that as well.
Artie told Howard he could have gotten Beth and her mother in bed for doing that. Howard said Beth was really blown out by that.
Howard said that Richard Belzer is the most selfish and fucked up human being on the planet. He said he knows he's going to screw up his friendship with him now. He said he was asked to be the host of this awards show for them and they promoted that he was going to be there for the past year. Howard said that 15 minutes before the event was going to start, he had his assistant contact them and let them know that he was sick. Howard said he heard from someone that they saw him at the airport that day and he was fine. Howard said he doesn't know that for a fact though.
Howard said that Sam Champion canceled the event 2 years ago. Howard said that he was pissed at him about that back then. He said two days is one thing but 15 minutes is another. He said that Belzer just fucked them royally. Howard said he saw Belzer bomb at the Friar's club and he probably would have droned on at this event too.
Howard said that he wants to unbook Belzer from the show because he's due to come in there in a couple of weeks. He said that he might forgive him if he had a heart attack or something. He doesn't think that's the case though.
Howard said that Belzer should have called a friend in the business to see if they could replace him or something. He didn't bother to do that. He said that they did have Maria Menounos come in to host it. She stepped in on her own and she handled the whole thing very well.
Gary said that Maria really is a nice chick and she shoved her big titties into that dress so they were all schrunched up. He said he loves that look.
The guys talked about Maria's many talents and how she has directed movies and stuff. She actually stuck around and sat through his movie at a movie festival. Artie said her movie was really good too.
Howard said that you just don't screw over an organization like Belzer did. He said he was so turned off to the guy after that. He said that he could have called a friend and asked them to fill in for him. Artie said that maybe he's a drug addict and he canceled because he took the same kind of stuff that he's done himself.
Howard said that he can't believe that someone would do that to an organization like that. He asked Gary to get him on the phone now so he could talk to him. Gary said he's scheduled to come in sometime in the next couple of weeks. Howard said he wants to talk to him now.
Howard kept going on and on about Belzer bailing out. He said that all Belzer really does is get his face in the paper as the host of these things. He said he really doesn't do much of anything else.
Howard said they had a music performance at the event and she was really good. Howard spent a minute talking about that. He said that he doesn't get why Belzer would do what he did though.
Howard said that Belzer pulled some weird shit at his wedding too. He said the guy really wanted to come to the wedding and he did show up with his wife. Howard said that Belzer showed up around 10:30 and claimed he had to work so that's why he showed up so late. He showed up, told him he was late because of work and then left. Howard said he didn't care so much about the wedding thing but this North Shore Animal League thing really bothers him.
Gary said that when people have backed out, the people who replaced them were upgrades. The year that Sam Champion backed out they had Jodi Applegate come in for him and she was great. This year they got Maria Menounos.
The guys talked about the effort that Maria put into getting out there while Belzer didn't bother. Howard said he's embarrassed to know the guy now. Robin said that they should unbook him unless he has a great excuse. Howard said according to a guy he knows, they saw Belzer at the airport. Howard said he wants Gary to get him on the phone so he can hear his excuse.
Howard said Belz is one of those guys who acts concerned about people but he's really not. He said he's just bullshitting. Howard said he's embarrassed by Belzer after this. He said that he couldn't even call them himself, he had his assistant call.
Howard said the awards were great other than the Belzer thing. He said that Gary won for his film again this year. Howard said that if you're not going to show up you pick up the phone yourself and call them. He said that if he's wrong he's sorry about what he's said but he's going to wait until he hears the whole story.
Howard didn't think he was trashing Belzer about this but Gary seemed to think he was. Howard said he really hasn't trashed the guy and if he finds out more about this and thinks he deserves it, he will really trash the guy and let him know what he really thinks. Howard said that calling 15 minutes before the event is crazy.
Gary said that he met Monica Selles at the event and thought she was really cool. Howard asked Robin what's up with Martina Navratalova lately. Robin said she's not sure, she just dropped off the face of the earth. Gary said he wants to get her on the Superfan Roundtable. He also wants to get Mark Paul Gossler and Steven Webber on the show because he's heard that they're huge fans.
Howard said that his mother fell down two summers ago and he ended up breaking down crying thinking she was dead. Howard said she fell and bruised her leg but she was fine. He said that his father is kind of wobbly now too and it's like having a little kid.
Howard said he worries about them all the time and he's a nervous, neurotic mess over the whole thing. He said he's fine after a few drinks though. He said he had a few, maybe four, drinks that night and he was fine.
Robin said that Howard is always worried about people other than himself. She said that he was worried about everything at his wedding.
Howard said that Gary should have called Ronnie to find out the way to go. Gary said that Jon Hein told him about how he was going to go and that route 80 was a straight shot out there. Jon made it out there before they closed the highway.
Gary said that he really wanted to go to the wedding so he didn't just turn around and go home. Howard said he felt really bad for Gary when he heard that story. He figured that he was throwing shit around like he does himself. Gary said that the toughest part is walking into the room trying to unwind while everyone else is already there and relaxed.
Howard said he got to the wedding and there were no chairs for them. Robin said she got the last 2 seats. Howard said he couldn't believe that there were no more chairs there. Howard said Will and Jared were going to give them their seats but he told them to keep them and they'd just stand. They ended up sitting down anyway. Howard said that was his first fuckin' thing at the wedding. Robin said you'd think they'd know the right number of chairs.
Howard said there were a bunch of fans outside of the wedding hall there. Artie said he heard that might happen. Howard said he waved to everyone and went in. Robin said some guy crashed the wedding in sweat pants. Howard wondered how he got in because there was a lot of security there. Gary said that six people made it in there and got kicked out. Howard said maybe that's why he wasn't able to get a seat.
Howard said that some people thought it was weird that Jason and his wife didn't say a word in their ceremony. They had this woman doing the whole thing and telling their story. Howard said that he didn't think it was weird at all. The woman told the whole story of how they met. He kind of liked hearing the stories even though it wasn't Jason or his wife telling it. Artie thought it was weird.
Howard said that Jason was trying to be funny during the wedding and he wasn't being funny. He said he liked what they did. Jason said they liked it too. He said she interviewed them for like 2 hours and wrote this whole thing out and they liked it. They told her to go for it after reading it. Robin said she didn't mind it either. Howard said that some people aren't comfortable being up in front of people doing a speech.
Howard said he had a great time hanging out with the people from the show. He said he met Jason's mom and dad, his brothers and some people from Janice's side of the family. Jason said that her side isn't that big.
Howard said he had to yell at just one of Jason's friends. He said that he was taking pictures constantly so he asked him to calm down with that. Howard said the guy apologized but then 5 minutes later he was back again. Howard said the guy told him that he couldn't help himself. Howard said he was feeling strange and getting kind of angry so he told him that he wouldn't like him when he gets angry. He borrowed that from the Hulk.
The guys talked about JD whooping the whole time during the wedding. Howard said he asked JD where his suit jacket was and JD said he couldn't afford one. That led to him telling Beth to take him out and shop for one.
Howard said JD really needs a jacket. JD came in and said he went to Will and Howard's wedding and he didn't know he needed one. Howard said he's going to send JD out shopping with Beth to get something. Artie told JD that he can afford something with the money he pays him out on the road.
Howard said he had a great time at the wedding with those guys. Howard said he was drinking shots of vodka and he had people doing shots at the bar with him. He said they don't even do shots at those things but since he was there they were doing them.
Howard said he was doing his little dance and saw their old office manager Annemarie there, looking really hot. Howard said he wanted JD to try and hook up with her. Howard said he pointed at JD and Annemarie and tried to get him to dance with her. Howard said he wanted JD to at least dance with her but he wasn't going for it.
Howard said that he told Annemarie that he was trying to make it happen and she said that she would dance with him. Howard said he got JD over there and he danced up a storm. Howard said that Brian Phelan was dancing with her so he stole him away so JD could dance with her. Howard said JD danced with her for a long time.
Howard said that he told Sal at one point to do something stupid there. Sal told him that just driving there was stupid enough. Howard said Jason was a nervous wreck when they had him in the chair that they lift up. He said that Sal got into it too and ended up falling out of the chair. He said he knows he did it on purpose though.
Artie said he was in that chair at Ross' wedding one time and it was pretty terrifying. Howard said that Beth had to pretend to like being around Sal that night. She said that she really likes Sal but she can't help the way she feels.
Howard said that Sal's wife was looking really hot at the wedding. He said he doesn't want to like her but he can't help it.
Howard said that he and Sal were bonding at the wedding. They had this thing to sign for the wedding so they ended up drawing dirty pictures in it. He talked about what they were drawing. Howard said he drew a picture of Sal fucking the wedding cake and Sal drew a picture of Gary eating shrimp and Jason being passed out from his breath.
Artie said that Howard was the one doing everything that he didn't want people doing at his wedding. Howard said that Sal was there and he had to be an asshole so he went along with it.
Howard said that Sal tried to get Ronnie to make a speech but he didn't want to do one. Sal said that he went up to the DJ and told him to just give the microphone to that guy (Ronnie) because he wanted to make a speech. Sal said he told the DJ that he was Jason's grandfather.
Howard said Sal came running back to him and told him that it was about to happen. Then Ronnie got up and told everyone that Jason went to Rick's Cabaret the night before and had a great time there. Then Jason's family started to boo him. Howard said he wanted JD to get the microphone next so he told the guys to make that happen. JD said he saw Jared go up to Ronnie and tell him to give the mic to him. Howard said it was his idea though, not Jared's.
Howard said that Ronnie can't help himself when it comes to strip club speeches so that's why he was doing his thing. Howard said that Sal got the microphone to JD and JD didn't know what to say. Howard had JD do his speech. He congratulated them on their wedding and that was about it. No one did anything after he said what he said so he just told them that they could move on.
Howard said the whole family seemed to be looking at them like they were a bunch of assholes. Howard said Beth and Robin saw that so Beth asked him to get up and say something so they wouldn't look like a bunch of retarded assholes.
Howard said that Ronnie's grammar is something else. He said he heard him on the Wrap Up Show last week and he sounds awful. He played a clip from a Wrap Up Show where Ronnie says something that just sounds retarded. Ronnie said something about how ''you would have gave him a gift'' when he was having a discussion about his wedding. Howard said that he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.
Howard played the clip a couple of times and asked how you get out of high school talking like that. Artie said ''You don't.'' Howard asked where Ronnie is because he wasn't coming in. He came in earlier to slap Sal over what he was saying.
Ronnie came in and said that he got screwed over at the wedding and didn't want to come in. He said that they can keep sticking the knife in him if they want. Robin said that it was a great speech he made at the wedding and he never disappoints. Ronnie said he didn't want to go up and say anything at the wedding. Ronnie said he said some nice things but he had to get some plugs in for Rick's. Howard asked him what else he said in that speech. Ronnie didn't remember.
Jason said that Ronnie started off his speech talking about going to Rick's. Howard asked Ronnie if he heard the people booing him. Ronnie said he didn't hear that.
Sal said that he told the bartender to give Ronnie a shot of Metamucil at one point. Ronnie didn't seem to like hearing all of the old jokes about him.
Ronnie said he grabbed Steve Brandano at one point when he was out dancing all by himself. Robin said that he was pretending to dance with himself during a slow song. She said that they felt so sorry for him that Tim's wife got up and danced with him.
Steve said that the guys at his table gave him 50 bucks to do that. Howard said that they're going to have this stuff up on Howard TV tomorrow. They'll even have Ronnie's speech up there. Ronnie said he can't believe they taped it for that. Howard said he's kind of glad they had the video cameras there to capture that stuff.
Howard said he learned that Jason's new bride has never been on a plane. Artie was doing an impression of Ronnie doing his speech and cursing up a storm. He had Ronnie laughing his ass off while he was doing that. He was doing it the way Don Rickles might do a wedding speech. Artie kept it going since he was getting so many laughs. Ronnie kept laughing like crazy as he was hearing all of that stuff. Howard let Artie keep going with it too.
Robin said that Janice was asking all of the women to come up and feel her boobs. Jason said he didn't even get in on that line. Robin said she asked her to feel her up too.
Sal said that Scott the Engineer had a ball there too. Howard said that Scott is like misery on two feet. He took a call after that but the woman was sleeping. He called out her name a few times but she wasn't waking up.
Howard said that Robin didn't have anything to eat at the wedding. He said he told her to have some pumpkin soup but she said she can't because there's probably cream in it. Howard said there was a vegan thing on the menu for her but she refused to eat it because there was cheese in it. Howard told her to go back to the chef and talk to him about it.
Howard asked Jason what the wedding cost. Jason said he thinks it was about 55 or $60,000. He said it got out of hand.
Robin said that she ended up getting a vegan meal that was planned for her. She said that she walked over to the food she was told to ask for her meal because the chef had prepared something for her. Robin said that Jason's dad came up to her and asked if she was able to find anything to eat. She said she hadn't been able to find anything. Howard said they should have just brought her a whole pumpkin. She has way too many rules about what she eats now.
Gary asked if she eats bread. Robin said that she doesn't usually eat bread but she had to at the wedding. There was nothing else to eat. Howard said she was carrying on like crazy. He said that she'll ask if apples were harvested before sundown and things like that. Robin said that she's not that crazy. Howard said it is that crazy and joked that she asks for left handed waiters to serve her.
Sal said he saw something that Robin wanted to eat. There was a sexy black guitar player there. Robin said that she wasn't going crazy over him. Howard said that guy was good performing the songs that he did. He covered a lot of white songs and he saw Robin dancing with the guy at one point.
Sal said that Robin was so hot for that guy. He said that something happened with them at the end of the night and he didn't want to say what it was. He said that he saw a pen and paper out and someone giving a number to someone. Robin said she gave him her e-mail address so he could let her know where he was performing.
Gary said that he was talking to Sal's wife at the wedding about doing this ''Wheel of Polygraph'' game they were going to play. She told him that she needs more money this time than she got last time. He said she was telling him that she'd be way too nervous to take the lie detector test. Gary said that she wasn't nervous when she was shooting Sal in the ass with the paint ball gun.
Howard said Sal's wife looked really hot there at the wedding. Sal said they got home and he sarcastically told her that he was going to give it to her really good at one point. She told him that she just wanted to relax that night instead. Sal said he told her that sex can be kind of relaxing but she didn't think that was the case. He said he took her sexy glasses and took them into the bathroom and came on them. Then he said he was just kidding about that.
Howard asked Sal how he can laugh at all of that shit. Sal said he has to. Howard said it seems like a bad scene there but Sal said she's fine.
Howard said he had a great time there at the wedding and had fun with Sal. Robin said that everyone was eating at the wedding and she saw Howard and Beth get up to go to the bathroom and they just disappeared and never returned. Howard said that's their move. He didn't want to make a big deal out of leaving. He said that he did tell Robin that she might not see him again. He said that he didn't tell anyone that he was going to the bathroom at his apartment.
Howard said the new coach told Stephon Marbury to sit on the bench if he wasn't going to be a team player. He said that the Knicks looked like they were half the size of the Utah Jazz. Howard said the Jazz were doing well in the beginning of the game but the Knick's came back toward the end of the game.
Artie and Howard talked about Marbury and how he's really not a team player. They still owe the guy a lot of money for his contract but they're trying to unload him now. Artie told Howard about his history with the team and stuff like that too.
Howard said his daughter was sitting right next to this guy from Sex and the City and she's a big fan of the show. He said that was a highlight for her to get to talk to that guy. Artie had no idea who the guy was. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from Eric the Midget who asked why they had to make this a quick call. Eric said he had someone to chew out and he wondered why it had to be quick. Eric said that he's pissed at Natalie Maines. He said she was all nice to him last week but her comments about him on the Wrap Up Show have come back to bite him in the ass. Artie said they didn't have far to go to get to his ass. Eric told him to shut up and called him a fat fuck.
Eric said that Natalie didn't believe that she had any relationship with Cherry and the other chick. He said that they weren't lying that day but now they don't want to have a relationship with him anymore. Robin asked if he believes that it's really because of Natalie. Eric said that he got a text about it and that's what they said it was about. Robin said that's not the reason, they just don't want to sleep with him. Eric didn't like hearing that.
Howard told Eric that those girls are in it for a living and they're not fucking him because they love him. Robin said they weren't in love with him, they're just looking for any reason to get out of doing it for free. Howard told him that if he comes up with some money they'll sleep with him. Eric said that's not the case.
Artie asked if Eric could possibly be that naive. Howard said that the reality is that the Bunny Ranch is looking for free advertising. They set Eric up with the girls and let him act like a king for a weekend. He said that they got what they needed out of this whole thing and now Eric is stuck with this situation.
Howard said that Natalie wasn't the reason for the whole problem. He said the road show packed up and went on their way. He said if they wanted to keep fucking him then Natalie's comments wouldn't have made a difference. Artie said those girls love money. Howard said Artie knows the game.
Howard said he thinks that Eric was in love with those girls. Eric said he cared about them. Howard said he knew this was going to happen to the little guy. He said that he's making the rookie mistake of going to a hooker. He said that he's not Richard Gere and the girls aren't Julia Roberts. He told Eric that he doesn't want him getting caught up in this and thinking that they're his girlfriend.
Eric said that Natalie's comments about him on the Wrap Up Show have bitten him in the ass too. He said that Johnny doesn't want anything to do with him now and doesn't want to do business with him. He said that Johnny's had his business partners on his ass about what she said on the Wrap Up Show.
Gary said that Natalie's comments didn't do anything. This is just Johnny not wanting to deal with his demands anymore. He said that it wasn't Natalie. Eric said that it is because of Natalie and not what Gary is saying. Gary said that those people just don't want to tell him the truth so they put the blame on other people.
Howard said that Johnny isn't influenced by Natalie's opinion. Gary told Eric that those girls telling him that it's because of Natalie is bull. He said that it's because the money ran out.
Ralph called in and said that he has to defend Eric here because he was getting texts from Johnny after he heard Natalie. He said that he was very upset with what she was saying. Howard said he gets that he was mad but if he was really into Eric he would keep working with him.
Ralph asked Eric why he was trying to get in touch with him. Eric said he wanted to get in contact with Natalie so he was going to ask him about how to get in touch with her. Eric said he wanted to ask her what she was thinking and why she was saying what she was saying. Ralph said she was just wondering if Johnny was taking advantage of him.
Eric said that he was making money from the JFSC but he can't say how much because of SSI. Ralph told him to keep his mouth shut.
Howard said he had a statement from Natalie saying that the girls from the Bunny Ranch are in love with Eric and Johnny should keep employing him. Eric knew he was full of shit about that.
Artie told Eric that they're both going to end up dying in a hotel waiting for whores to show up. Howard told Eric that he'll try to get in touch with Natalie this morning and ask her to say something. Artie told Eric that she doesn't have time for this stuff, she's busy throwing parties for Michael Jackson.
Ralph said that Eric was calling Benjy so he could call him to give him Natalie's number. Benjy said that Eric has his number so that's why he ended up calling him. Robin said she feels bad for Eric after all of that. The JFSC was his life.
Artie ended up going off on Teddy a little bit and said that there's a lot of material about him that he could tell. Howard asked Artie what happened. Artie said he got back from Afghanistan and he's not sure what happened to his passport.
Artie said that he was looking all over for his passport but wasn't able to find it. He said he told Teddy to call the people up there and ask if he could get into the country another way. Artie said they told him he could get into the country via boat and all he'd need is his birth certificate. He said he went up to Buffalo and went in that way. He said there were 14 people there who recognized him but the woman working there didn't know him at all. IT took about an hour to get in but he did get in.
Artie said he drove up 2 hours to the event and they sold out the 3000 seat event. He said that everyone up there had his book, Too Fat To Fish,'' already and that was on Friday night. The book isn't due out until tomorrow.
Artie said that he and Teddy were driving all over the country that day. He said that he ended up getting through the border again and ran up to the gate to fly home. He said that the weather caused him a 5 hour delay in Buffalo. He said he sat there for 5 hours in Buffalo. He said he thought they were going to cancel the flight at one point.
Artie said that this was all because of his missing passport. Howard told hi that he has to get organized and use this Franklin Covey thing that he uses. Artie said he really does need something like that. Artie told Howard that he has this great box that he keeps the passport in but it wasn't in the box this time. He said it's always in there except this time. Artie said that he thinks someone clipped it and maybe it was the plumbers that were working on his place.
Artie said he made $81,000 on this gig. After all of the bullshit taxes and stuff, he took home about $58,000. He said that they had taxes and some kind of Canadian stuff. Artie said that he has a corporation so he thought he could take care of that stuff. He said that the promoters were great up there and probably the two best he's ever worked with in his life.
Artie said he got a check but they said they'd send the rest as soon as it cleared. Howard said they should have paid him immediately.
Artie said that he met this guy from Staten Island at the airport so he spent some time talking to that guy. Artie said he was going to try and make it to Jason's wedding but he wouldn't have made it because of the delay.
Lisa said that Artie's license has also expired. Artie said that he had a story about that too. He said that his mother left him a post it to fill out this thing to get his license renewed. He forgot all about it and then he wanted to drive over to Canada and he could use his license to get in. Then that had expired so that wouldn't work.
Howard told Artie that he's got to take responsibility for his life. Artie said that he has no idea what's going on in his personal life. Howard asked if Dana is back in his life. Artie said that he just ended a relationship badly with this woman who he was dating. He said it didn't end good. Howard asked what it was. Artie said he can't talk about it right now.
Howard asked if it was true that Bob Levy fell off the wagon this weekend. Artie said he loves that guy but he's going to be boxing John Wayne Bobbit this coming weekend. He said he heard that he started drinking again but he didn't want to say what happened just in case his wife didn't hear what happened.
JD said that Bob took a swig of some liquor and he had about 7 shots and 3 beers by the time he got on stage. JD said there were some tother things going on but Artie told him there was nothing else and told him to get out of there.
Artie said that Levy told him that he has to fight next week but this was just a one night thing. Artie said that they have no idea the kind of losers they have back stage at these events. Howard said that this isn't a great chapter in Bob's life. Artie said he stays on stage an hour and a half just so he doesn't have to go back stage.
Lisa said that Artie is doing a book signing and they're preparing for that. High Pitch Eric is going to be showing up around 7am to start the line. Artie said that he'll probably be the only one that shows up. Lisa said that they're going to be going around doing a bunch of book signings and appearances on TV shows. Artie said he did a show on NPR and they love Howard there. They had to go to break after that.
Another caller said that he thinks Artie has burned his bridges with Letterman and threw in a joke about cocaine that gave Dave a look of disgust. Howard said he'd gotten that look from Dave and he's still invited back. Howard said that sometimes those comments are the best stuff. Artie said that you can't get that edgy on that show. Artie said he's already been invited back for another date so this guy is wrong.
Howard said that Ham Hands Bill is coming in because he's doing a show tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. Howard said he's part of this ''I Want to be Howard Stern'' contest. Howard said the contest grand prize is $5,000 and that's courtesy of Klondike Bar.
Howard said he gets the feeling that Bill has some evil shit going on in his life. He said he feels he's very dark inside based on what he's heard him say. Bill said that it all started with the Robin's dad thing that he did for a song parody contest. Howard said that who else is going to think about something like that unless they were really dark inside.
Howard asked Bill how he ended up in the wheel chair. Bill said that he had a car accident and it effected the right side of his body. He said that he was in his 20s back when it happened. Bill said he played basketball in high school and things like that. Howard asked him if he was a sexual predator or anything before then. Bill said that his neighborhood was filled with hookers and people like that. Bill said he had to go with the flow after high school so he was in some fights but never killed anyone.
Bill said he had to fight for his friends and himself back then. He said it was just fighting so there were no guns or knives involved.
Howard said that Bill must have been getting pussy back then because he was a good looking guy. Bill said he did alright.
Howard asked Bill what he's going to do on his show tonight. Bill said it'll be a mixture of things that have happened there and some other stuff. He said that he will have something new on the show about himself. He said it could be called a revelation. He said he found out something about himself that even he didn't know. Howard said he hopes he's not gay or something.
Howard asked Bill when he's going to mention this during the show. Bill said he'll mention part of it at the beginning of the show. He said this became a big deal to him when he realized it. He said he didn't want to blow it now though so he didn't want to say anymore.
Howard said that Bill's show will be called Ham Hands Bill Radio. He asked what he'll be talking about. Bill said it'll be a little bit of everything. He said he hopes they can explain the technical stuff to him. Bill said he'll be on his own and thinks he'll be alright for an hour by himself. Howard said he likes hearing that.
Howard said that Bill once won a jet ski on the show. He couldn't really use it because he's in a wheel chair though.
Artie did his impression of Bill for a few seconds. Bill said that he thinks that Eric the Midget might have a part of his brain missing that doesn't let him see the reality of what the whores are thinking. He said that he thinks that people with brain injuries have that problem so maybe Eric has something similar going on.
Bill said that he doesn't even go to prostitutes. He said that he'd rather just wait for someone real to come around to him.
Howard asked Bill about what he was saying in his audition tape about people wanting to sniff assholes. Bill said that it's a natural thing to do because that's what animals do. Bill said that he likes to do that kind of thing and sniff through panties and stuff. Howard said that Bill has said that the asshole and vagina combined is what men are into. Bill said that you do enjoy that aroma when the smell gets to your face. That's what he was trying to say in his audition tape.
Howard said he's looking forward to Bill's show tonight. He told him he's in good company with the other finalists. Howard said he didn't want to play his audition tape again because he didn't want to burn everyone out on that.
Bill was complaining that he didn't make it to Howard TV the last time he was in. He said he hopes he gets on this time. Bill said that he was on with Mary Jo Buttafuoco and they cut him out of it.
Howard gave Bill some plugs for this show he's doing tonight and wrapped up with him. Robin asked what Bill does for a living. Bill said he teaches people how to use computers. He said it's basic internet and things like that. He also teaches basic English to people. That came as a bit of a shock because of his heavy accent. They let Bill go and went to break after that.
Howard played some of T-Pain's music for Robin. T-Pain came in after that wearing a top hat. He wasn't able to get his headphones on so he had to take the hat off.
Howard said he was reading about T-Pain's life and he hasn't had it easy. He's had a lot of success lately but he's had a lot of pain too. He said he thinks the T-Pain name is fitting. T-Pain said he was raised in a ''hood rich'' house. He said it wasn't that much money but they were doing okay.
Howard asked T-Pain about the voice changing that they do on his songs. T-Pain said that his sound has been copied a lot lately. He said that other people did it before him but now it's really out there on almost every song.
T-Pain talked about how he got started singing in his house. He didn't sing in school and ended up dropping out by 8th grade. T-Pain said he didn't think he was going to use any of the stuff he was learning in school. He said he didn't need to know science since he wasn't going to become a scientist.
Howard said that T-Pain's father was managing him and he had a bunch of record companies coming to him. T-Pain said he had a hit song and there were companies throwing money at him wanting him to sign with them. He said his father wanted him to sign with Interscope but he had a problem with that. T-Pain said they were offering him the most money but the worst situation. Howard asked what it was that was so bad about it. T-Pain said they just wanted to be able to say that they had him as an artist. Then they'd just let him wither on vine as Howard put it.
T-Pain said he ran away from home because of that whole thing. He ran away with Acon's brother. His father got very mad at him for doing that and didn't see him for 2 years. T-Pain said he signed with Acon who took him to Jive records. He got a good deal there. He said that it was about a million dollar difference but it was long term that he was thinking about.
Howard said that T-Pain's father was a Muslim and a pretty hard core one. T-Pain said he didn't get to celebrate Christmas like everyone else around him did.
T-Pain said that his parents were broken up by the time he was hitting bit. He said that his mother didn't want to see his father so she wasn't around much. Howard said that money and success can really make a mess out of relationships.
Howard said T-Pain's father started asking him for money and one time asked for $250,000. He said he'd leave him alone for the rest of his life if he gave that much to him. Howard said that's sad. T-Pain said that he thought he was going to just stop asking for money if he had done that. He wondered if that was the amount that he owed or if he just came up with that much to stay out of his life.
Howard said T-Pain blames himself for his parents break up. T-Pain said he thinks that they broke up over something that happened at one of his shows that they were at. That was before he was famous. He said he thinks that his father may have seen a girl there or something like that and it led to them breaking up. Howard said that's his father's doing though and he can't blame himself for that.
T-Pain said his father called him about 2 weeks ago and told him that he had an oil deal in the works. T-Pain said he didn't want anything to do with it.
Howard read that T-Pain got married young. He asked where he met his wife. T-Pain said he met her at a party that he was at. He said she's got some juggers too. He said she's like 4'11'' tall and has huge double Ds. Howard asked him if he thinks she's bigger than Robin. He said she is and she falls out of her bra all the time. Howard asked Robin to show T-Pain some of her's. Robin said she wouldn't want to break up his marriage.
Howard asked T-Pain if he has any regrets about getting married. He said he doesn't at all. He's got 2 kids and another one on the way. Howard asked if it's because they bring home other women. T-Pain said that he would rather do it with his wife and he wouldn't cheat on her. T-Pain said they have a huge house and they can bring chicks home no problem. He said he's got 20,000 square feet in his house down in Georgia. He's also got 24 cars. He said he doesn't drive them all though.
Howard asked T-Pain about the money he's spending on that stuff. He said he saves 50 percent of what he makes so he's doing fine.
Howard asked where they have sex in the house. T-Pain said his wife has thrown stripper parties for him in the house. He said he has a club in his house with a stripper pole, the dance floor and the bar. He said his wife bought him the pole and he wasn't even planning on having it in there.
Howard asked about where the club is. He said it's in his basement. They have a stage with the pole and lights on the stage that light up the pole. He said he's got some friends down there that like doing that stuff. The last time they had a party he said they had 35 girls there.
T-Pain said that his friends are shocked when they see some of the stuff he does. He said that it can make him kind of uncomfortable when he's showing off with the money he has. He said he doesn't need people giving him a hard time about that stuff but he has friends who go crazy when he buys an extra package of hot dogs because they cost 3 dollars.
T-Pain said that he was living in a neighborhood where he was the only black guy. He said he had to move out because they were messing with him. He said he thinks that Daniel Carver may have been living in that neighborhood.
Howard asked T-Pain about his wife and found out she's a light skinned black woman. T-Pain said she's more white than black. He was saying that they party with white and black chicks. He said they've had Costa Ricans and other girls too. Artie said he wants to book a gig down there and hang out at his party.
Howard said T-Pain likes to go to strip clubs and he likes to go about 15 of the 30 days in a month. T-Pain said he might go to one tonight but h e doesn't know about the clubs in New York. Artie told him that Rick's is the place to go.
Howard asked T-Pain about the chicks that he and his wife get. T-Pain said they have rules and they do have to ask each other about what they can do. T-Pain said he has to ask his wife if he can do it before he goes and sticks his dick in another girl.
T-Pain said that he has to masturbate a lot now that his wife is 8 months pregnant. He said that he uses his iPhone to watch the porn now. He recently went up to Canada and ended up having to pay $1,600 for roaming charges.
Howard said he read that T-Pain thinks that he has a huge penis. T-Pain said it's not long, it's very wide. He said that it's like the size of a King Size Snicker's bar.
Howard said T-Pain lost his virginity at 10 years old. T-Pain said his brother had a lot of porn when he was growing up and he got addicted to that. He said he's still addicted to it and watched some before he came in there.
Howard read that T-Pain wears sunglasses all the time because he was in a car accident and his left eye droops. He said that's not true at all and showed them his eyes. His eye wasn't drooping according to Howard and Robin.
Howard said that T-Pain's most exciting moment in his life was when he met Michael Jackson. Artie asked him about what he thinks about Jackson allegedly fucking young boys. T-Pain said that you never know.
Howard played some of T-Pain's song ''Chopped N Skrewed'' from his album ''Thr33 Ringz.'' Artie was oddly silent during the song.
Howard asked T-Pain if he writes all of this stuff himself. T-Pain said that he writes them in the studio and doesn't write them down or anything. He said he comes up with song concepts and keeps them in mind until he gets into the studio.
Howard said he likes that this guy wrote a song about being in love with a stripper. He asked if it was about one specific stripper. T-Pain said it wasn't just one, it was about a couple. Howard asked him how much he's spent at a strip club. He said that it's not that much really, maybe $3,000.
Ralph called in and asked what the porno iPhone site was. T-Pain said that it's PornHub.com. Ralph wanted that so he could check it out himself. Howard said T-Pain was talking Ralph's language with that strip club in his house.
Howard said he heard that Eddie Murphy is partying like crazy in his new house. He said the strip club thing gets right to the point though. T-Pain said that they have a bowling alley in there and they can do strip bowling and things like that.
Howard said it sounds like T-Pain couldn't be married if his wife wasn't into other chicks. T-Pain said that's true. He said they never planned to do that stuff but they went to Costa Rica one time and they ended up taking over the club. He said he pulled out the money he had and ended up closing the club. They found this stripper who looked just like her wife and ended up calling her by the same name just adding ''tall'' to Amber. Then the two women started dancing together and the other chick started to do stuff to his wife's tits. They ended up getting a private room in the back and messed around with this ''Tall Amber'' chick. T-Pain said that he wasn't done after that and had to get more chicks.
T-Pain said that they went to that strip club in Costa Rica every night while they were there. He said that's when he knew that his wife was into chicks. He said they ended up going back to the club another time but they had closed up by then. He heard that they had to close because one of the girls they had working there was 16. He said they did find where most of the girls migrated to though.
T-Pain said that strip clubs are illegal in Tallahassee so they have to create their own strip houses down there. He talked about how they would set up people's houses as strip clubs that they would rent out for the night. He said it always worked out well doing that down there. Artie said he loves when a guest comes in and tells them how to live life.
Howard gave T-Pain a plug for his new album that will be out tomorrow. He's going to be at the Hero Ballroom tonight too.
Ralph asked T-Pain what the grill is all about. T-Pain said he has an oral fixation and he has to have something in his house. He said he used to chew balloons before. Artie said they don't have to worry about him putting a cock in his mouth.
Artie is going to be on Jimmy Kimmel the same night this week. Artie said that he wants to hang out with him then. Howard said that's going to be trouble then. Artie said he's bringing a couple of broads with him. Artie sounded very excited about it and said that he might just come home with one of those grills in his mouth.
T-Pain is going to be on Saturday Night Live too. Howard wrapped up with him and wished him luck with everything. He said he likes his game plan and saving the money and all of that. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that George Harrison had his chance to shine with that song. He said that the song is about how Eric Clapton stole George's wife. Howard said that the girl ended up going away and George and Eric remained friends. Fred said there was some weird stuff going on there. He told Howard about some of the stuff he had read about them doing and how they were trying to swap women out and stuff like that.
Artie said he just read the book about Clapton and he's got a lot of wild stories. He said that Clapton never shot up Heroin. Howard said he thought Artie was just like Clapton then. Artie said he's shot up but then took it back. He said that he never shot up but he also said that some girl did something... it wasn't clear if he did or not. Howard said Artie always contradicts himself.
Artie was eating a Klondike bar so Howard asked him where he got that. Artie said they sent over a bunch for them.
Howard got this guy on the phone and told him he was going to give him the chance to win $1000. The caller said that was fine but that's not what he was calling in about. He said he wanted to talk about this NPR chick they mentioned earlier, Terri Gross. They ended up talking about her for a couple of minutes but Howard got bored with it and got to the game.
Howard said they've played this before. He said that they money is courtesy of the TV show ''Estate of Panic.'' Howard said they have Evil Dave trying to pronounce words and the caller has to guess if he can pronounce it correctly. The first word was ''subutex'' and the caller said he wouldn't get it. He was right. Evil Dave had no clue. The next word was Penicillin. The caller said there wasn't a chance he was going to get it. Evil Dave got that one right.
Howard played the next word which was Paxil. The caller said no way. Evil Dave said ''Patix.'' Howard played the next one and it was ''Zoloft.'' The caller said he wouldn't get it but Evil Dave got that one right. The next word was ''Hydrocodone'' and the caller said he was going to say no to that one. Evil Dave said ''Hydroxicilian.'' The caller just won $1,000.
Howard wrapped up and let the caller go. He said that $1,000 is a great prize and they don't give people a hard time making them jump through hoops to play.
JD came in and said that it appears that he's not even preaching in front of people anymore. He's doing it alone and in front of a green screen.
Howard said that they still have their studio tour available for auction. You can find that at Animal-League.org.
Howard said he thinks he got a wedding gift from George Lopez. He said that he wasn't sure because of the signature not being clear. He said that the return address said Ann Lopez so he thinks that it might be him. Gary said that is what his wife's name is. Howard said he'll have to send him a thank-you card then.
Howard said there was a huge ad for SIRIUS/XM in the paper over the weekend. Artie said it was in all of the big papers and he thinks he saw it even up in Toronto.
Howard said he hopes that it sells well this holiday season. He said that it's either a bottle of Mambo or SIRIUS/XM for a Christmas gift.
Howard said it's been like two years since Ed Bradley died. He said he thinks he did the interview with him just a couple eof years before that. Howard said that the guy died like a year after he did the interview with him. Howard said the guy was really nice to him and they ended up being friends. He said it's kind of sad that no one remembers you when you die.
Howard said he could play Artie's Letterman thing right now or save it for tomorrow. Howard said he heard the first half and he had to pee so he could play it now and pee. Howard said they had it broken up into 3 pieces though. Gary told him that they had the full interview there too. Howard said it was 9 minutes long though and the news would run way too long if he let it run all the way through.
Howard said he was going to hold off on it until tomorrow. He asked Artie if that was okay. Artie said he was fine with it. He said Howard didn't have to play it for him at all. Artie said he's already watched it on TV. He told the story about the rumor that David Spade used to plan it so he'd have himself on TV whenever he'd bring his chicks back to his place.
Howard said that Beth asked Lisa G to their table at the event and Lisa blew them off saying she was busy with a recital.
Shuli said they have more about Jackie's trip to Afghanistan with Bo Bice to perform for the troops. Shuli said they found out that Jackie bonded with Bo Bice out there. They also have a story about Ronnie crying over a TV show. He revealed he cried at the end of The Fugitive TV series.
Shuli got in plugs for Ham Hands Bill's show tonight and also for Greg Fitzsimmons' show that's on tonight at midnight.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list of things they were going to try and cover today. During that Howard said that he was told that Fred was upset with T-Pain's lifestyle. Fred said that wasn't true at all. It turned out it was Benjy interpreting what he was doing during that interview. Benjy thought he was shaking his head during the discussion about the threesome and stuff like that. Fred said he never said he didn't like it but it isn't his thing. Howard told Benjy not to try and interpret Fred because it's impossible. He said he just shakes his head because he's crazy.
Fred said he didn't like the Grill thing and didn't dig his explanation for why he wears one. Howard said he thought the guy looked okay with it. Fred said ''C'mon...''
Howard asked Fred if he would be with two chicks like T-Pain was talking about. Fred said he couldn't be with a woman who was into something like that. Artie said he didn't think he could be into it until he got Dana into a back room at Scores one night. He said it was so hot when she had someone dancing for her that he felt like he had to fuck her in the cab on the way home.
Howard and Fred spent a little more time talking about the threesome thing. Fred said that it's just the way he wants to live his life. He said he married his wife, not his wife and a stripper. Howard said he gets what Fred is saying. Howard said he's alright with Beth wanting another chick though so he's cool with that.
Jon went through the rest of his list and wrapped up his Wrap Up Show preview. The guys ended up talking about Artie possibly hanging out with T-Pain. Artie said that it turns out he can't hang with the guy because he has a late night book signing that night. He said he has to go to Book Soup out there at like 10pm. Howard told Artie to bring T-Pain to the book store. He's sure that's where he wants to hang out.
Artie said that he wants to know how so many people had his book up there in Toronto. He said that the actual number going toward the best seller list has to be thrown off if they have the book already. He said that they shouldn't be allowed to sell it if it's not officially out.
Howard told Robin it was time for news so Fred played a song parody for her. It was ''Robin's Big Fuckin' Titties'' to the tune of David Bowie's ''Suffragette City.''
Artie was saying that he didn't want to talk about Dan the Song Parody Man owing him money but last week on the Wrap Up Show he came out and admitted it was him. Artie said he didn't want to out the guy but he outed himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he didn't play Artie's Letterman appearance. Howard said it was too long to play today and he'd do it first thing tomorrow morning. Artie said it wasn't that unique of an appearance and they're not missing out on anything. Howard said that it would end up being more than 9 minutes long too.
Howard had a clip of Joe Scarborough saying ''fuck you'' on the Scarborough Report. He said he'd play that instead. Joe let the ''fuck you'' go while he was talking about Barack Obama. Artie said the thing that bothers him about that clip is that they're acting like they're 5 years old. Artie said they should do like Howard used to do where he just says ''please don't do that.''
Howard played the apology clip where Joe apologizes for using the word and saying that he didn't even know he said it. Howard said the other problem is the woman in the clip talking constantly which must make Joe's head spin.
Robin got to her news and read a story about a New Jersey Councilman who allegedly peed on some concert goers. That led to Howard talking about Richard Christy going to the Coheed and Cambria concert and how he only brought one diaper out there to piss in when he went to the concert. He hates to leave during the songs he likes, which is all of them, so he ends up pissing himself.
Richard only brought one pair of pants out there too. Gary said the right thing to do would be to not piss in his pants at all. Richard said he brought one pair of underwear and one pair of jeans. Artie said that Ralph is completely right and he has to treat him like a slow person now. He can't believe that he does stuff like this.
Gary said that he was talking to Richard about how he blames his getting sick on the food out there. Richard said he woke up puking on Sunday morning and he wasn't able to drink on the plane so it was really rough for him.
Howard found out that Richard didn't have any toothpaste with him out there either. Richard said he had so much going on there that he wasn't able to get out and get any. Howard said that would be a huge priority for him if it was him.
Howard asked Richard about the diaper he wore and if he left it on the whole night at the concert. Richard said he did leave it on the whole concert. Howard said that he went to the bathroom a couple of times but didn't take off the diaper. Howard asked Richard why he would do that. Richard said he was embarrassed about taking it off with the bathroom attendant in there. Richard said it doesn't seem that crazy at the time he's doing this stuff. It does now that he hears them talking about it. Richard also admitted he didn't shower in four days. Artie said he wanted to end the show early after hearing Richard's stories.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a hotel that caught fire and how some Marines helped clear the building before anyone was killed.
Howard was talking about how great the Military guys are and that led to him talking about how he's seen a difference in black people lately. He said it seems like they've become very patriotic since they elected a black man as President.
Robin read a story about an 8 year old kid that allegedly killed both of his parents. Howard said the kid probably figured he'd get out of jail by the time he was 18. He said he'll probably get out of doing life somehow.
Robin read a story about a woman who got pregnant after an ovary transplant. Ralph called in and said that the blacks have gotten friendly all of a sudden and they're nice to him on the subway all of a sudden. He wondered if the slavery thing is over and forgiven now. They talked about that for a short time before Howard let Ralph go.
Robin said the woman who had the ovary transplant got it from her twin sister. She's expected to have her baby this week. The egg is actually the twin's egg. Howard said he doesn't believe in that kind of thing and said that if you can't have a kid, you shouldn't be allowed to have these transplants and things.
Robin read a story about Craigslist.com cracking down on some of the stuff that's going on there. That led to Fred doing his Benjy impression and saying ''Uh oh!'' He was referring to the way Benjy used to get dates through the service. Robin said that people are going to have to pay a fee and supply a phone number from now on when they want to put in ads for things like that.
Gary came in with an ad that Joey Boots placed where he's looking for gay sex. Howard read that and didn't know what the ''420'' reference was. Joey was basically saying that he was a ''bottom'' in the ad which seemed to surprise Artie.
Robin read a story about John Torturo's brother Ralph scaring the other residents in his apartment building. He's allegedly threatening to kill people and things like that. Howard said he feels bad for John when he hears stuff like that. His name gets thrown in there and he has nothing to do with his brother.
Robin read a story about Bruce Springsteen doing some songs for a charity and auctioning off his jacket and motorcycle that he rode in on.
Robin read a story about Elliot Spitzer not being charged with any criminal charges with his prostitution case.
Robin read some news about Eddie Murphy partying out at his Beverly Hills house. They're reporting that he's been having bowling parties with strippers and stuff like that at the house.
Robin had a story about the Italian Prime Minister saying that Barack Obama is ''sun tanned'' and that upset a few people. She had a story about the Post Election blues that some people are suffering from now that the election is over. She said that they're also going to be having Barack Obama to the White House for a visit a little earlier than they usually would. Howard said he heard they had him come in the back entrance.
Robin had some other stuff about Barack Obama. She had some audio clips of him talking about how he's not President yet and he won't be until January 20th. He was also talking about how he needs to find a dog that's hypo-allergenic since he's allergic go dogs.
Robin read some news about Governor Palin coming out and talking about the people who have been bad mouthing her after the election. She called them ''jerks'' for doing something like that. She had some audio of Palin talking about that and some other things that have been said about her in the news.
Howard read an e-mail he got from a dermatologist who said he can help Eric the Midget out with the break out on his face. The guy said he has something that is referred to as dandruff of the face.
Howard read through some mail about Eric and people loved his appearance on Howard TV. The fans seemed to love the show even though they were kind of goofing on Eric in their e-mails. The fans liked seeing Howard so excited to see Eric and also how excited Eric was to see Diana Degarmo.
Robin got back to her news and had some audio of Louis Farrakhan talking about Obama being elected President. He was preaching and talking about that stuff. Robin had some audio of Obama denouncing some of the anti-Semitic remarks he's made.
Robin had some audio of Chris Rock talking about the new Madagascar movie he's doing and saying the name of his kids. The guys thought he was saying it was ''Bizzara'' or something like that. Howard said he could have done better with that name. He figured that had something to do with his wife. Then Howard found out that her name is actually Zarah and Chris was saying ''but Zarah'' and not ''Bizzara.''
Robin went through some more audio clips from the people who did voices for the movie Madagascar. She had Jaida Pinkett Smith talking about her kids and how excited they are to have her in it. That led to Artie talking about how he thinks Will Smith and his wife are out of their minds putting their kids into show business.
Robin wrapped up with a story about Marianne Makeba dying over the weekend. She played some of her music and then Fred played a slumping sound. Robin talked about some of her history and wrapped up her news. Artie got in a plug for his book ''Too Fat To Fish'' and said he'll be doing a book signing tomorrow. He'll also be on Conan O'Brien's show this week. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Gary said that he would have turned around on his way there if it was anyone else's wedding. He had problems getting there so it took him much longer than he thought it would.
Jon took a call from a guy who wanted to talk about Howard's behavior there at Jason's wedding. Howard was goofing around with Sal at the wedding and he would have been pissed if people did that at his wedding. They talked a little bit about that and then talked about Ronnie's speech and how he never fails to deliver for them.
Jon asked Jason if Howard was being a hypocrite. Jason said he didn't even know what they were doing and he thought it was funny after he heard about it. He said he didn't want Sal doing anything really crazy there. He said that the chair thing was really funny with Sal almost falling out of his chair.
Jason said that he was pushed into the chair and everyone lifted him up. He said his cousin had all of his weight on his neck and he was afraid he was going to break it. Jason said it was horrible for everyone that had to try and lift him.
Jon asked JD about making the list for his attire and how he's going shopping with Beth. JD said it's more stuff making it seem like he's a charity case or something. Gary said that he could buy a nice jacket for $100, or the cost of 5 lap dances.
JD said he went to a strip club in Toronto and this guy ended up paying for dances and he was dancing for a long time. It turns out the guy only paid for 3 songs and they were up there for 7 songs so he had to pay for the 4 songs. He said he lost $100 because of that. JD said it wasn't worth it.
JD said he didn't know the jacket was mandatory at the wedding. He said he had a shirt and tie on and that should have been fine. Gary said that most people wear a suit to a wedding. JD said that he doesn't go to a lot of weddings so he doesn't know that. Gary told him that now he knows. He said it doesn't have to be anything special. Gary said that Will actually gave Steve Brandano the suit he was wearing at the wedding.
JD said that the tie he was wearing came from the movie SuperTwink. He couldn't remember when he got the shirt or any of the other stuff he was wearing.
Gary told JD to go get the suit with Beth, it'll only help him out. He said that he can wear it to other events that aren't weddings. Jason told him to just get a sports jacket so he can wear it anywhere. JD said he'd rather just leave there, go home and go to bed.
Jon asked JD if he thought Howard was goofing on him too much at the wedding. JD said that he was pushing him to go dance with Annemarie. Gary asked him if he really asked her out. JD said that he did ask her out a few times and she said nothing to him. He said he gave her his number and she never used it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the show on Friday night with Artie was great. He said it was nice to see Artie sober too. The guy asked JD what the move was at the show when he ran off to the sound area and everyone mobbed him. JD said it wasn't a move, he was just getting Artie's CD of songs that they use at the shows. He said there were just people lingering around there.
The caller said a hot chick went up to him there and he kind of blew her off. JD said that she was probably with a dude and he was busy and didn't have time to talk to her.
Ralph said that Teddy looked like he dressed after jumping into a dumpster at the wedding. He told JD he shouldn't be fighting this shopping thing with Beth either. Ralph said that Teddy looked like a Bowery Boy or something with the hat he was wearing. Teddy said he knows he needs a new suit. He needs someone to buy it for him. Ralph said he would take him out to shop for one.
Ralph told him he could find a cheap one and he doesn't need to get anything special. Ralph said he's been wearing the same suit for like 15 years now and it's fine. Teddy said that Ralph had a great line about him looking like he just walked out of ''The Sting.''
Jason said that he heard that someone snuck into the wedding and thought that Ralph was Howard so he was actually acting as a decoy.
Ronnie came in and talked about how Sal was acting like an idiot at the wedding. He said that Sal was in his glory with Howard treating him the way he was. He said he told Sal not to tell the DJ to give him the microphone but he did it anyway. The guys said that it was funny the way Sal was following Howard around and ignoring his own wife.
Gary said he feels bad for Sal because he spent no time with his wife at the wedding. Ralph asked why he would want to spend time with her, he's got time with her at home. Gary said they didn't even dance at the wedding.
Gary told Ronnie that he could have told the guy he didn't want the mic. Ronnie said he did that but they shoved it in his hand anyway.
Jon asked Ronnie what compelled him to talk about Rick's at the wedding during that speech. Ronnie said it was just plugs. He said that it's the first time he's ever heard of anyone going to a strip club the night before a wedding.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they seem to be glossing over Howard doing what he did at the wedding. He said that he's a hypocrite for doing what he did at the wedding. The guy said that Howard and Sal were drawing pictures in the wedding guest book. Gary said that it's one thing when a kid does it but when Howard does it, it turns something special.
The caller said that it is funny to him but given the kind of shit that Sal and Ronnie have taken over the years, Howard owes them an apology. Jason said that the stuff they did wasn't that crazy to him. He said that it was funny, harmless stuff. Ronnie said that Jason wouldn't have cared if Howard had shit on the dance floor there.
Jason said that they didn't even want the guest book at the wedding and they bought it at the last minute. Both he and his wife loved seeing the pictures they drew in there. Gary said that it was meaningful for Howard to make the speech he did and that he showed up there. Jason said that it was incredible that he came to the wedding at all.
Another caller said that Howard has become the Dick of all Media from the King of All Media. He said that Howard is a hypocrite and they have to call him out on this shit. He said it's bullshit for him to do what he did at Jason's wedding while he goes off on everyone else for doing stuff like that.
Gary said they recognize that this behavior wouldn't be acceptable in other places. Jason was fine with it though so it's not a big deal.
Another caller, Pete from Pittsburgh, said that Jason seems to be the biggest scumbag on the show and he's very phony based on this stuff. He said Gary is a phony and Jason must have learned from him. That led to Gary making fun of the guy's speech impediment. The guy said that Gary is a phony and a jerk. Gary said that this guy is hated all over the place and bombed when he did his thing at Artie's show out in Pittsburgh. Gary told the guy that he's just not funny trying to create this bit for the air. He said that at the end of the day he's just boring.
Pete said that Gary is just boring. Gary said he never claimed to have a good personality. Pete said that this wasn't even about him, it was about Jason being a phony. Then he said that he learned it from Gary because he's such a bad influence.
Gary asked Pete if he's going to get a job anytime this century. Pete said he'd like to because he needs some money. The two of them went back and forth on that stuff for a few minutes.
Pete told Jason not to talk down to Sal and Richard because they're the talent on the show. Jason said he'll talk to them anyway he wants to. Gary said that this was boring and he didn't want to give Pete anymore air time. He said he's got to stay away from that abyss just like he has to stay away from the Benjy abyss.
The guys talked about the T-Pain discussion about having threesomes and stuff like that. Howard seemed to like the idea of that but Fred wasn't a big fan of it.
Jon played a clip of T-Pain talking about how he makes the threesome thing happen. After playing the clip the guys talked about T-Pain's weird rules that he and his wife have about the threesomes. Benjy asked Gary if he would be up for it if his wife was into it. Gary said that once you have kids it's a whole different thing. He said that he can't say he wouldn't be interested in it but when you wake up and see your kids, he can't imagine doing that with his wife.
Jason said he's not sure he could do it with his new wife. He said that he would probably do it and enjoy it but he's not sure where it would go after that.
Gary said he saw a movie where a guy tries to get his wife and a chick to do a threesome and it turns out to be a nightmare because he's done in a minute and the girls just go on and on.
Gary said that he walked in Jon talking to some people about masturbating. Jon said that he was talking to Beth about Pittsburgh and that led into Howard saying that he doesn't masturbate. That led to a whole discussion about him not masturbating. Jon said that's not the kind of thing that he usually talks about in a wedding cocktail hour.
Benjy was saying that he thinks it would be hot to have a wife that was into having other chicks in bed. He thinks that it could make marriages all that much better if they could do that stuff. He said it would motivate people more if they could do that.
Jon asked the guys if they were surprised at Fred's reaction to all of that. Gary said he wasn't because he's spoken to him about it before and that's about what he thought it would be. Jason said that he's seen Fred walk out of the studio when there are naked chicks in there a lot so maybe he's not into that stuff. Jon said that having a daughter changes your perspective on things for some people. They had to go to break after that.
Teddy said that Artie called him on Thursday night about not being able to find the passport. He forgot about the Afghanistan trip and thought the last time he used it was his trip to Amsterdam. Then he twas thinking that he may have put it in with the credentials he had in Afghanistan.
Teddy said that Artie is doing the big book signing tomorrow and then doing Conan O'Brien tomorrow night. That led to them talking about Artie going out to do Jimmy Kimmel's show with T-Pain on the same show. Howard was saying during the show that he didn't think that would be a good idea for Artie. The guys talked about how much of a party it would be for them if they did hang out.
The guys talked more about T-Pain and the stuff he was saying about his father trying to get a pay off. The guys talked about how strange that would be to have your father asking to be paid off to leave you alone.
Benjy said that he'd like to know how T-Pain turned it into such a big empire so quickly at the age of 23. Gary said that it's hard to keep the hits coming and someone like MC Hammer could tell you what that's like. Gary said that he guesses that the guy could sell his 24 cars if he had to.
Jon said that they heard about Richard's diaper today and it seemed like he was having a bit of a revelation to himself about the diaper. He asked Gary if he thinks that Richard will still wear the diaper next time he goes to a concert like that or maybe stop using them. Gary said he doesn't think that he'll stop doing it.
The caller said that Richard brought the diaper up on stage and they signed it and put some doodles on it and stuff. The guy told Gary that they should book the band on the show. The caller said that Richard is a class act too. Gary said that Richard is not a class act, he is a great guy but not a class act.
Richard came in so Jon asked him about the comments Artie made about him being like a slow adult. Richard said that he can do math and stuff so he's not slow. He said that he's a gross person and they can call him that if they want. He said that he's just like that and not everyone is like that. He said it doesn't bother him that he doesn't shower or brush his teeth that often.
Gary said that to vomit and not brush your teeth is horrible and he can't imagine just dealing with the taste of your own mouth. Richard said he drank a Sprite from the mini bar and just went to bed after throwing up. He didn't want to go out and buy toothpaste.
Richard said that other people on the show do weird stuff too. Jon asked what's equal to what he does. Richard said that people do drugs and have weird habits. He said he doesn't do things that harm him. He said that he's sorry if the stuff he does weird them out but he doesn't tell people not to smoke and stuff like that.
Richard said he knows he's gross and he's probably not going to change. He said he knows that Artie might be grossed out by him but they don't really hang out together so it's not a big deal.
Gary asked Richard what he finds to be weird behavior from the other guys there. Richard said that Howard chews those toothpicks all the time. Gary said that doesn't affect him though. Richard said that what he does doesn't affect other people either. Gary said it does when he has bad breath.
Richard said he's willing to take an IQ test any day if they want to give him one. He said he plays a game on his iPhone that tests his brain. He said that it tells him that he's using 27 percent of his brain capacity so he must be pretty smart.
A caller asked Richard why he doesn't think about what other people think about him. He said that people are telling him he's filthy and smelly and he doesn't do anything about it. The guy said that he's disgusting and smelly and he has to just pull it together. Richard said he doesn't stink today. He asked the guys to smell him. Benjy smelled him and said his pits were kind of smelly. Jon said it did smell a little bit but not like a dumpster.
The guy said that no one wants to smell them like that. He said you can't have employees coming into work and smelling bad. Richard said he doesn't smell that bad, at least not as bad as someone like Jeff the Vomit Guy. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how he has to curb his cursing. He said some people have been emailing about the cursing lately. He said he's just an angry, cursing man.
Howard read through some e-mail and said that the sales of Mambo cologne are taking off since Ronnie mentioned it. The guy said that he went on amazon.com to buy Artie's book, ''Too Fat To Fish,'' and they suggested buying Mambo saying that other people who bought Artie's book bought that too.
Howard read some mail about some stuff that Artie got wrong about the Knicks when he was talking about them yesterday.
Howard read some mail about Eric the Midget and how this one guy turns off the radio when he calls in. Howard said he likes Eric when he calls in. The controversy continues. Artie said that Eric's feelings don't seem to get hurt when people say that stuff.
Howard read some mail about Richard Christy and his bad hygiene. There were a few about him from people who think he's a pig and he should be tested for infectious disease.
There were also some people talking about Artie telling everyone how much he's making at his comedy shows in this down economy. Someone said that Artie jumped the shark for complaining about only clearing $58,000 out of the $81,000 he made up in Canada. The writer said that he did that for half the show even though it was only about a minute he actually talked about it. Howard said Artie wasn't whining about it, he was just pointing out they were withholding so much of it up there in Canada.
Howard said that Artie was saying that it would suck if they took so much money away from you if you won the lottery up there.
Howard said he got slammed on the Wrap Up Show yesterday about what he did at Jason's wedding and how he was being a hypocrite. Howard said that he probably would have thrown himself out of his own wedding if he did the same stuff there. He said he is a hypocrite. Howard read some of that e-mail and said that he actually kept Sal on a tight leash and didn't let him get out of hand.
Howard read about the use of the F-word on the show so much. The writer said they had to avoid the show at work because of the use of that word. Howard said that people should be working at work and not listening to the show there. He said you can't be doing any work if you're listening to the show. Howard said that if you're gardening or something that's probably fine. IF you're doing construction you might want to pay attention to your job.
Howard said that this e-mail really irked him. He was talking about the charity event where Richard Belzer backed out 15 minutes before the event was about to happen. He had his assistant call to cancel instead of calling himself. Howard said he heard that Belzer called Beth and apologized for not showing up and he was going to call him. He said that this e-mailer said that he thought the only reason he was upset was because it was going to upset Beth. Howard said that's not the case.
Howard said he would have been upset at any event if someone canceled at the last minute like that. He said that Beth was upset with Belzer too but that's understandable. Howard said the reason he was upset was because he was at the event himself. He said he doesn't get why people can't comprehend that kind of thing. He witnessed it first hand and that's why he was upset about it.
Howard said Belzer rubs him the wrong way because he's ''Mr.. crusader'' and always for the people on the outs but he's very arrogant. Robin said he did come in there and attack them on their views all the time.
Howard said someone told him that they saw Belzer on Monday night dancing at some event. How sick could he have been just a few days before? Howard said he's been sick and he still goes to work and does his show. He said the guy had to be pretty sick to cancel 15 minutes before.
Gary said that Belzer was doing his comedy show and came out dancing around to ''Start Me Up'' the night they were talking about. Howard said it upset him, and not even his wife, about Belzer not showing up.
Robin said that Ralph is friends with Sandra now. Artie said he thought that Ralph was friendly with Natalie Maines. Howard said that they live in the same building and Ralph ended up meeting Sandra and told him how cool she was. Now he's friends with both of them.
Howard said Ralph works that whole celebrity thing like Kato Kalin did. He said that people love Ralph and he makes Kato look like a piker. Robin said Kato only had one guy who liked him, and that was OJ Simpson. Howard said OJ let him move into his pool house though.
Howard talked about Ralph hanging out with Sam Simon and how close he got to moving in and getting to go all over the place with him. He said he was living in his guest house but then Sam backed off and didn't let him stay. Artie said it would make him look kind of gay if he was paying the guy to be around all the time.
Howard said that Ralph was doing stuff for Sam and he's almost like a woman hanging around him. He said he is fun to be around though. Robin said he's always available too. Howard said he checks with him all the time when he's going to be going away. He wants to make sure he's not missing anything important.
Robin said that his work does get in the way sometimes. Howard said he does complain about having to work that one hour a week for him. He said he tried to go away for 2 weeks one time and he had to tell him he did mind him going for that long. Robin said that really bothers him too. Howard said Ralph does do good work and he does put a lot of stuff together for him. He said he works hard.
Fred said that he's not upset with Will but he does feel that he's a bit of a douche bag. He said he didn't have to say anything about it on the show. Will came in and told Fred he doesn't have to give him a gift. He said he felt like he guilted him into it.
Howard asked Fred if he was guilted into it. Fred said he wasn't but he did say that Will has had other moments of douche baggery.
Will said that Fred forgot about his gift but Fred said that's not the case. Will said he thinks he did forget. Fred said he doesn't lie about that shit. Howard asked him to lay off the profanity.
Will asked how much the gift was going to be. Fred told him he wasn't going to tell him and told him to go fuck himself. Then Fred said he was going to get the two of them, Will and Jason, their gifts at the same time just to make things easy.
Fred told Will that he was going to give him the gift around this time and that's the truth. He said he didn't forget about it. Howard said he heard that Scott DePace just said he didn't get a gift. Gary said that Howard didn't get him a gift either. Howard said he didn't remember that. Both Howard and Fred apologized to Scott about that.
Howard said he always sends people a gift. Fred said that he's going to send Will's gift to DePace. Will said that he wants an apology from Fred for almost forgetting his wedding. Fred wasn't going to do that. Fred said he didn't forget so Will said he's obviously not getting what he wanted for his wedding.
Fred also revealed that he never writes his own checks. He said his accountant does that for him. Howard told him he should have his own check book and just write them when he needs to.
Howard said he got another note saying that Fred didn't give Doug Goodstein a gift either. Doug said he wasn't looking for a gift now. Fred said he didn't remember Scott getting married when he was working for them. Scott said it was 11 years ago so he was there.
Artie said he wasn't talking about Dan on the show when he said that people don't pay him back. He said that Dan walked right into that.
Artie said he doesn't want any interest from Dan but he also didn't think that he ever said he would sell his Harley to pay him back. He said that he didn't even bring it up on the air. Artie said he was referring to someone else when he said that people don't pay him back. Howard said he knew that Artie was talking about someone else during that discussion.
Artie said that Dan asked him to help him out coming back to New York and he needed money to get back home. He loaned him some money and didn't know it was all the way back in March that he had loaned him the money. He said it has been a while but he doesn't need the money back immediately.
Gary asked if it was a lot of money that he borrowed. Artie didn't say but Gary said the look on his face said it all. Gary wondered if he hired a private jet to fly back to New York or something.
The guys talked about someone else who borrowed money from Artie and hasn't paid him back. Artie isn't saying who it is but that guy told him he'll get him the money back soon. He's supposed to be making a huge deal soon that should get him the money back.
Artie said that if his liver gives out before these people pay him back, they should know who they are and make sure the money gets back to his mother.
Howard said it would piss him off too much if he loaned money to someone and they didn't pay him back. He said that some people live really high lifestyles and spend money like crazy. Artie said that it's human nature to think like that and want to have the money come back quickly.
Artie said that you start to look at people spending money and get resentful when they don't pay you back. He said that some people are so brazen with it that it makes you furious.
Howard said he had a guy ask him for money one time but he didn't loan it to him. He said that the guy came back from a huge vacation over in Europe a short time later and he wondered how he could do that when he was looking for money.
Gary said that there was a moment when Dan said that Artie didn't ''need'' the money, otherwise he would have paid him back. Howard said that's what he's talking about. He said that there have been people who have asked him for a ton of dough like $50,000 and $180,000. He said he's not even sure how the guy came up with that number. He said the guy lives the highest lifestyle you've ever seen and he didn't want to sell of some things to raise the money himself.
Robin said she had someone ask her for a loan and then they told her about their lifestyle and how they wake up, turn on the radio and then wait until she does her news. She said she's not going to give them the money if they're laying in bed all day listening to the show.
Howard said that this one guy who asked him for the 50 grand was looking to buy a bunch of new computers with the money. Howard said he's not going to loan the guy money so he can buy something like that.
Artie said he's going to put a chapter in his next book called ''Dirt Bags'' and it'll be all about these people who borrow money. Gary asked Artie how many people he's loaned $5,000 or more too. Artie said that it's a big number for most people. He said it's probably 7 or 8 people if you count his entire life.
Artie said he loaned a guy an extraordinary amount of money one time and the guy went over to Europe. He said it was like 20 grand or so. Howard asked him if the guy paid him back. Artie said he didn't.
Gary thought that guy was Teddy but that was a different person Artie was talking about. Gary said that Artie loaned Teddy some money right before they went to Amsterdam and Teddy still went on the vacation. Artie said he doesn't think that Teddy is a dirt bag though.
Howard asked Artie if he ever asked the guy why he went to Europe after he loaned the money. Artie said he didn't. He said that the people get all uptight when he brings that stuff up. He said that he'd rather just let that stuff eat away at their conscience instead of bothering them about it.
Artie said you loan a person money for a business thing and you know it's not going to go anywhere. If you bring it up months later the person will tell you that ''You knew it was an investment.'' like that's going to make it okay that you loaned them the money. Artie said he could easily be that person who needs money like that. He said that he lucked out and started making good money in his 30s.
Howard said that Artie is living responsibly with his money. Artie said he broke his ass for years trying to make a career out of comedy. He drove a cab for years while he was working comedy gigs.
Howard said he got a note from a guy who said that he would be helping out all of the DJs if he was as successful as he was. He said he knew this guy for a couple of months and the guy wanted him to help him out. He hadn't heard from him in 25 or 30 years and got this note from the guy complaining that he wasn't helping him out.
Artie said he owed Dominic money for the suit he got him and he was frantically trying to pay him back but he wasn't ablre to get in touch with him. ARtie wasid that Dominic told him to give Will the money instead so that's what he did. He said that he told Will to thank Dominic for the money because that's who told him to give it to him.
Bong Hit Eric called in and akesd aRtie if he coudl borrow 100 grand. He said he'd pay him back, it's an investment. Howard said that he's probably going to sell marijuana. Artie said he'd liek a piece of that. Eric asked if he could come to ARtie's New Year's Eve Show. ARtei said that's fine. He said he has no problem giving hinm tickets.
Howard said that Sal did get out of hand a little bit and he got him back under control when he was writing the F-word in the guest book at Jason's wedding. He claims that what they were doing at Jason's wedding was a finely crafted thing and no one was out of control.
Howard said that Sal doesn't have the ability to govern himself. His last name is Governale but ironically he doesn't have the ability to govern himself. That led to them talking about his last name and the way he pronounces it. Sal came in and said that it's 'gov-er-NAL-e and not ''gov-er-nal-a.''
Howard said that he had Sal in his hands that night at the wedding. He said that he had the discussion with him and Sal didn't do anything inappropriate after he left. Sal said that Howard told him that he couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. He claimed he was joking after saying that though.
The guys watched some tape of Sal doing his thing at the party Howard threw for Artie. They were also showing Sal rubbing his dick on a pumpkin that he was walking by on the street one time. Sal said that Howard told him to go tea bag the pumpkin soup at the wedding. Howard said he was just kidding and he told Sal that when he jokingly told him to go do it there. Sal ran out before he had the chance to fuck up on the air.
Robin said that there are people who have offered to go shopping with him but JD won't go. He doesn't respond to that.
Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where Gary and Jon were talking to JD about how much a jacket would cost and how he could pay for that instead of getting lap dances.
Howard said that lap dances is really a waste of money. Artie said it's like burning money getting a lap dance.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked what Beth wore to Jason's wedding. Howard said it was hot pants and a tube top. Then he said it was a black dress. Robin said it had some ruffely sleeves and a collar on it too. Howard said Beth wore a jacket over it too.
Howard said that Beth went to finishing school so she's always telling him what to do with his fork and stuff like that. He used to use his finger to get his food on his fork but she told him that's wrong. He's not even supposed to use his knife to get the food on there.
Howard said that they teach you how to use your utensils, how to write thank-you notes and stuff like that at finishing school.
Howard was cursing a little bit so Robin caught him and told him to watch it. That led to Artie cursing a few times just to be a rebel.
Howard said that they went to the Knicks game and the guy that handles the celebrities there told them that he's been working that job for 19 years and he's never gotten a thank-you note until Beth sent him one. He said that was really nice to hear. He likes that she does that for people.
Howard said that Beth must be disgusted by him the way he eats and just shovels food in there. Howard said he should call Beth and ask her about the finishing school thing. Artie was wondering at what age they send kids to that kind of school.
Howard told Gary to call Beth. Gary was already on the phone trying to get her on. Howard said he can take Beth anywhere and she'll tell him how to behave. Gary told Howard he wasn't able to get anyone there. Howard said she should be there but she might be walking the dog or something.
Howard said that Beth takes care of the dog during the week since he doesn't have a lot of time for stuff like that. He said he takes care of her on the weekend.
Howard said he had to beat off last night. Beth went out to some charity thing for the Christopher Reeve foundation. He said they used to have Dana Reeve on the show all the time and her sister took over the charity after she died.
Howard said Beth was out so he had trouble getting to sleep so he had to whack off. He said he knew he could go to sleep if he just beat off. He didn't have time for porn, he was just beating off for medicinal reasons. He said he was asleep like 2 seconds later after doing that. He said he flushes the evidence down the toilet. Howard said he hadn't been doing that in a real long time but it was an emergency last night.
Howard had Beth on the phone so he told her that he misses her and stuff. He asked her about going to finishing school. Beth said it was ''charm school'' not finishing school. She said she was about 7 when she went.
Beth said that Howard has horrible table manners. Howard said she's been training him. Artie said he must look like a gorilla when he goes out with them to eat. Artie said that he ate two meals at this one place they went out to one time. Artie said that he ate two full entrees and finished before the other people even put their napkins down.
Beth said she learned how to sit, how to answer the phone and how to eat among other things. She said that they taught the young girls how to sit and she still finds herself doing that. Beth said she learned not to curse and things like that as well. Fred said ''Fuck that..'' so Howard said he was just trying to be shocking now.
Beth said that the dog has been pushing her to take her out all night long and it's driving her crazy. Howard said that the dog used to go to bed when they'd tell her to go to sleep. They're in a new apartment right now while they have some construction done so she's out of her routine. Beth said the dog is bothering her, not Howard.
Howard said they leave out water all night so that might be a problem. Beth said that's not the problem because the dog doesn't go to the bathroom when she takes her out. Fred suggested that they put her in a crate but they didn't want to do that to her. They can't lock her out of the room either because the dog will bang her head on the door trying to get in. Beth said she found blood on the door one time because of that.
Beth asked Howard what he did last night while she was out. Howard told her he had to beat off. She didn't believe it. Howard told her that he used the tissue box on her side of the bed to beat off. He said he learned in charm school how to flush the tissues right away. Beth said she was looking around for the tissues so she was happy to hear that he flushed them.
Howard said it works every time for him. Beth said that she wished that she was there for him. Howard said he needed her. She said she was home by 9:57 last night. Howard said he went to sleep around 9:57.
Artie asked Beth how far she's going to be running today. She said she's going to do about 5 or 6 and never anymore than that. Howard said that the 5 and 6 will become easy for her. She's not going to do the marathon again because some of the women doing it start to look kind of haggard. Beth said it takes a real toll on your body. Howard told her he doesn't want her turning mannish. She said that won't happen. Howard said he's seen some women who look like him and it's shocking.
Beth said she has blisters on every toe from the marathon. She said she's not supposed to pop them though so she'd just leaving them there. She said she has the ugliest feet ever. Howard told her not to say that about his wife.
Howard said Beth is in pretty good shape after the run. Beth said her friend Jill had blisters on her legs after the marathon. Howard let Beth go after that. The two of them said their ''I love yous'' before they got off the line.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's in Chicago and wanted Artie to come and visit when he's in the area. She also asked what happened to that woman Debbie Schlussel who used to call in. Gary said that she's not mad at them but she got sick of coming on the show. He said he still e-mails her once in a while.
Artie went into his impression of Debbie and that may have had something to do with why she stopped calling in. Gary said that she got upset about them asking her about her sex life and stuff like that too.
The woman was all over the place with her questions so Howard said he had to go and hung up on her. He went to break after that.
Howard asked why Ozzy puts his arms in the air when he's singing. Artie said he thought that was part of the thing he did but then he figure it was from taking lithium. He said that you become a bit of a zombie on that stuff and that's why you stick your hands out like that.
Howard said he got a note from Phoebe Snow saying that she has a new album out called ''Live.'' He played a song from the album where she's performing a song live. Howard said she's got a great voice.
Gary said that Richard Christy thought that when he heard Phoebe Snow was going to be at Howard's wedding, that it was going to be Phobe Cates from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Howard played a couple of tracks from her album and talked about each song trying to figure out what they were about. Howard was doing his goofy DJ voice introducing the songs too.
Howard said that one of the songs was like a song of love and that Robin must sing that when she's with her 25 year old boyfriend. Robin told him to stop asking her about her personal life when he asked if she was still with him.
Howard said that it is great but he has to get used to it. When he was a young boy the only black people in the White House were servants. Robin said that he's having this reaction now and it's very strange. Howard said he's just saying ''Isn't that somethin...'' when he sees it.
Howard said it's weird to see a guy like that in the White House because it makes it look like we're in Egypt or something. He said that it's only been white guys with white wives in the White House so far so it's a big change.
Sandra asked about Joan Rivers being there. Howard said that he's closer to Joan than he is with Sandra. Sandra said she and her friends have tried to be closer with Howard. He said that she wants to get together with him. Robin told them to stop because they've been doing this for the past 30 years.
Howard said he didn't want to spend time around the young kid. Sandra said that she can't just leave the kid behind and on the weekends she has to plan ahead for going out. She said she doesn't want her daughter thinking she's on the back burner or anything.
Sandra said she's been dating this woman for the past 9 years but she's not the marrying type so they're not going to do that whole thing.
Sandra asked Howard why he got married. He said that it was his idea and he wanted to legitimize their relationship. He said he didn't want people thinking he was going to dump her ass at any minute. He said they got the tattoo ring and all of that.
Sandra was saddened that she didn't go to the wedding. She wanted to see Phoebe Snow there. Howard said she was great. They spent a minute talking about Phobe and how her daughter died. Howard said he's been speaking to her ever since the kid died because the kid was her whole life. She almost gave up her whole career for that kid.
Howard said he went to see Phoebe do this show that she was dedicating to her kid and the show turned out to be amazing but also emotionally draining. She offered to come to his wedding to sing some songs for them.
Howard said Phobe ended up singing a bunch of songs for them at the wedding. Howard said Sandra could have come and sang with her. Sandra said it sounds like it was a night of tragedy too because Natalie Maines sang that song that the fan wrote for Beth before he died.
Howard asked Sandra about her father and stuff like that. Sandra said that she was talking to him again for a little while but then they called it off again and stopped talking. Sandra said that she doesn't talk to her or her three brothers. She said that she still talks to the rest of her family but her father doesn't. Sandra said that he's a really negative person. She said that he'll just say ''Look at that schmuck'' when someone is walking down the street. She said that he doesn't ask people about their lives or anything like that because it's all about him.
Sandra said the last time she called her father was on his birthday and he laid into her. Sandra said that she had to stop talking to him after that. He tells her that he's not talking to her anymore and just won't do it. Howard said that he's a proctologist so maybe he's just upset about looking up people's asses all the time. Howard said Sandra's father had to look up her ass one time too. Sandra said she was in her 20s at the time too.
Howard said Sandra will have a man come in and bang her and her girlfriend once in a while. Sandra said that they will do every position possible too. She said that it doesn't matter what color the man is because she doesn't see color. That led to them talking about BarackObama and how Sandra doesn't see race there. Howard said she didn't even know he was black until today.
Howard said Sandra is one of those people who can go grab a man or another woman and bring her home to the girlfriend. Sandra said it has to be a night that the kid isn't home but she will do that. She did that on her 50th birthday.
Robin asked why the men never go to the papers and tell them that he was with Sandra Bernhard. She said they just pick the right guys.
Sandra talked about how great Ralph is to hang out with. She said that they tried to get Howard to come out with them one night. Howard said no one ever called him. Howard asked if Ralph could ever be that man in the bed with them. Sandra said ''You never know...'' Howard asked if Natalie Maines would ever get involved in that. Sandra said that she might document it but she can't imagine she'd get into the whole thing.
Howard asked Sandra if she's ever approached a person that rejected her. Sandra said no and that it's usually people they kind of know that they invite to do stuff like that. Howard said he thinks that Ralph will end up banging those two. Sandra said her girlfriend thinks that Ralph is super hot. Sandra thinks he's cute too.
Howard said Sandra has no idea how much she's turning on Ralph right now. Sandra said that Ralph is coming over to hook up her SIRIUS radio that's been gathering dust in her closet.
Howard told Sandra that Ralph likes to do it without a rubber so she'd better be careful. Sandra said that she won't be doing it without one. She said that she thinks that Ralph should have a baby and that it would be cute.
Howard asked Sandra about the last guy she had in bed. She said it was a couple of months ago and gave Howard some lines that she might use on the guy when he comes over to visit. She said that she'd ask him to come and lay down in the bed with them because they're tired. Then she'll ask for a massage and turn over and have the guy put his hand on her breast.
They went through some of the other stuff that she might have him do. Sandra said that she'd have him doing her from behind and maybe pull him out so she can go down on her girlfriend. Howard said he wouldn't last that long if he went into her. He said that would be too hot of a scene for him.
Sandra asked where Beth would be in all of that. Howard said she'd be home sleeping or something. He said that if he was with her, she'd probably be out signing divorce papers. Howard said he's not sure he could handle a threesome like that.
Howard told Sandra about the time he had Beth at Scores and he blew a load in his pants without even touching himself because he was so turned on when he saw her getting a lap dance. Howard said that Beth won't go back to the clubs anymore.
Howard asked Sandra about bringing other girls into the bed. Sandra said that she can't do that, she doesn't need another chick in there. She sticks to men.
Howard asked Sandra about her kid and if the girlfriend is adopting her. She said they're going through that process right now. She said that they are kind of married in that way and they're domestic partners out in California.
Howard had Ralph on the phone so he was telling her that he'll be picking up his sunglasses today around 11 o'clock. Howard told him to go over there wearing chaps with his ass hanging out. He asked Ralph if he's going to do them or not. Ralph said that Sandra's girlfriend is super hot like Phoebe Cates when she was in her 30s. Howard told him that he's worked himself into the ultimate schmooze. He said that he worked his way into Sandra's life after getting into Natalie's life. He said he really owes him on this one.
Howard said he's hooked Ralph up with Sam Simon too. He gets to go to Hawaii with Sam. Howard asked if they can make a special out of this with Ralph and Sandra doing it on Howard 101. Howard said he wants all of the details if it does happen. Ralph said he'd call him on the way home if it did happen.
Howard asked Sandra what she'd want him doing to her. Sandra said she'd want everything. Howard told Ralph to get over there and install that radio that she needs.
Howard asked Ralph about going over to her place and what goes on over there. Ralph said that everyone in her building leaves their doors open like dorm rooms. Sandra said that she and Natalie life across the hall from each other so they leave their doors open. Sandra said it's a free for all when the kids are around.
Howard asked what they wear when they're around. Sandra said that they run around in PJs and Natalie runs around in shorts.
Howard asked when Ralph can expect to get laid. Sandra said it would probably be after the holidays. She said that she has to do some stuff before Thanksgiving and then the family will go away and she'll have the privacy she needs with him.
Howard asked Sandra about Madonna doing the whole Kaballa thing after she introduced her to it. She said that she had it with her after she saw A-Rod getting involved in the stuff. She said that she goes to the same place that Madonna goes to so they still see each other there. She said that it's gotten very weird when they see each other. She said that it was very surreal to see A-Rod holding up the Torah. Howard asked if she's jealous that Madonna comes in and gets all of this attention. She said she's not upset about that. Sandra said she doesn't need it like Madonna does.
Howard asked what the next cool religion is going to be. Sandra didn't know. Howard wondered if it was going to be Southern Baptism or something. Sandra said that staying away from it all, like Howard has done, might be the next ''thing.''
Sandra asked Howard if he's going to have kids with Beth. Howard told her that they're not going to have any kids. Howard said both of them aren't looking to do that.
Howard gave Sandra a plug for her one woman show ''Without you I'm Nothing'' is still playing and she's added some new stuff to it. Sandra said that she might have to add a whole Ralph thing to it if something happens with them.
A caller asked Sandra what she thinks about these celebrities coming out and making a big deal about being gay when she never really did that. Sandra said that she was never about that and ended up talking about the time she slept with Jay Leno and talked about it on Howard's show. Howard said that he wouldn't get all freaky with her if he was with her like Jay did.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Howard is never going out with Sandra to dinner. He said that he doesn't believe that A-Rod ever held up a Torah either. He asked who has fucked more guys, Sandra or Robin. Howard said it has to be Sandra. Robin is just coming into her own right now.
Sandra said there are rumors about Robin flying around right now. Artie said he thinks that he could bang Robin. He said that just because he felt like saying something. He was being awfully quiet during this interview. They were the first words he had said in about 30 minutes.
Howard gave Sandra some plugs for her one woman show. You can find out more at SandraBernhard.com.
Howard asked Sandra if she's happy. She said she is and she's liking how it's looking for the country now that Obama is going to be President. She said that she's invested her money wisely over the years too. She said that her business manager helped her out getting into some real estate stuff and not so much in the stock market. She said that she invested in some strip malls and gas stations out in Las Vegas so that worked out.
Howard said he's not sure how he feels about Ralph being with Sandra and her girlfriend. Sandra said that Natalie might be at her show out in Los Angeles. She said it was supposed to be a surprise but he wanted people to know that she was going to be there.
Howard said he wouldn't need the criticism if he was with Sandra. He said they'd be talking about how small his penis is and how their clitorises were bigger than him. He gave her some more plugs and then went to break.
Howard said he heard that Robin went through another assistant. He said that makes it about 8 that she's gone through. Robin said that it's not all about her.
Robin said that one left because she got pregnant and was getting married. Another one had a career path change and she wanted to get into film.
Gary said that he thinks that career change was because of Robin. He also said that he thinks there's a bit of a revolving door thing going on lately with her. He said he thinks that she hires people but doesn't know exactly what she wants them to do. Then she'll fire them when they don't do what she thinks they should do.
Robin said that she's had assistants for years that have worked out very well. Then they leave and it's tough to find a replacement.
Robin said that Mr. X was her assistant for a long time. Robin said that the latest person didn't have the ability to do what she needed her to do so she's gone.
Jason said that one of the assistants told her that Robin didn't know what to do with her and that person didn't last long. He said he didn't want to say which one it was though.
Robin said that she's not the one who is difficult to work with. Howard said she wouldn't know it if she was. He said that her dietary needs would be a problem. Robin said she handles her own food things and doesn't have her assistants handle that.
Howard said Robin must have been under pressure moving the cats and stuff. He asked if the assistant would be involved in that. Robin said there were things she needed and she couldn't get them, that's all it was.
Artie said that this chick he almost hired is coming to his signing today. He said she's smokin' hot and she's half Italian and half black. He said she's going to be helping out at the book signing and she's really efficient. He said that Robin might want to talk to her.
Artie said he can't hire this chick because she wanted a certain amount of money and he thinks that the book signing thing is going to be calming down now. He told Robin to talk to this girl. Artie said he can just tell that this girl is efficient.
Howard said he wants to meet her. Robin said that Laura Lackner is a gem and Howard was lucky to have found her. Howard said that he's a gem too and Laura lucked out and found him too. Howard said that she might not have been able to work with Robin. Robin said she doesn't know what he's talking about.
Robin said she just tells Laura what she needs and she gets it. She said that she had an assistant that was great and she spoiled her. She said that they're supposed to run her life for her. Howard said that it might be too much for them. Howard said he wouldn't last a day as her assistant. Robin said he wouldn't last a day as anyone's assistant.
Robin said that Laura does everything for Howard. Howard said he has a lot to do so of course he has her helping out with that.
Artie wondered what kind of ethnic background Phoebe had. Howard said she's Jewish so that led to Robin saying that's not a nationality. Howard said he thinks of it as one because you're born into it. He said that it's the only religion that you're born into like that so he thinks of it as a nationality. Howard said Snow isn't her real last name though.
Howard said he was running out of time before this Goumba Johnny came in. Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Ham Hands Bill show wasn't so good last night. Howard said he heard from some people about it and tried to tune in on it. He said that Bill was really sexed up and talking about rape fantasies and stuff. He said that some people thought it was boring but there were others who thought it was really funny.
The caller asked for a bottle of Mambo so Howard said he'd give him one. Howard told Gary to mail him out one.
Howard said he needed a lot of time to get through all of these clips but he was going to play some of them now. He played one song parody that Bill played on his show last night. Bill was singing about kissing Beth's ass to the tune of ''I Kissed a Girl.''
Howard said Tim Sabean wasn't sure about the guy because he was all about sniffing asshole and stuff like that. Howard read through some of the feedback they got about Bill. Some people loved it and others thought that he was awful and it wasn't worth listening to. The fans were all over the place so Howard said he didn't know what to think. He said he was afraid that it was going to be the same thing for a whole hour. He said that based on the clips it sounds like it was the same stuff for a whole hour.
Howard played another clip of Bill talking about Robin liking these guys like the guy from Smallville and the James Bond guy. Then he talked about how she could go and fuck those guys and then gets really graphic about what they would be doing with Robin if she had these two guys.
Ralph said he tuned in around the time of that Beth's asshole song and thought it was great. He said he was listening to him waiting for his next words and it seemed like it was just real. He said there was a time when he droned on about playing basketball with Benicio Del Toro when he was a kid.
JD said he wasn't that into the show. He said he had a lot of fantasies that he talked about and one of them was about the Olsen Twins and Crackhead Bob getting it on. Howard said he was kind of zoning out about that.
Ralph said that he heard Pedro call in to talk to Ham Hands Bill and it was pretty funny. Howard played another clip where Bill was talking about a fantasy about Obama and Sarah Palin getting it on. He's all about ass and stuff like that in these fantasies. Artie and Fred were laughing their asses off at that stuff. Artie said that Riley is a one trick pony and he's got a great show. He thinks that Bill could be the same way with a show of his own.
He asked the guy Frisbee or Ronnie. The caller wasn't sure so he asked Howard what the thought. Howard said he already knew. Robin said she thinks that the Frisbee was older. Fred said Ronnie is older and he kind of had an idea when it was invented. The caller said that he was going with Fred and said that Ronnie is older. The guy was wrong. The Frisbee was invented in 1948. Ronnie was younger by a year.
Howard asked the caller another one and asked what's older, Mr. Potato Head or Ronnie. The caller said he was going to go with Ronnie but then asked Fred what he thought. Gary said he thought Ronnie was younger. Robin said Ronnie was older. Fred wasn't sure but he thinks it's Mr. Potato Head. The caller said he thinks Ronnie is older. He was right so he won the $1,000. Mr. Potato Head was patented in 1952 according to Howard. Howard let the guy go and went to break a short time later.
Johnny came in and thanked Howard for having him in. Howard said he likes to hear about other radio guy's lives. Johnny said he's always asked how Howard Stern is but he's never met him before. Howard said he doesn't hang out with radio guys that much.
Howard said he likes to hang out with all of the guys there at SIRIUS because they're all in the same building.
Howard talked to Johnny about working in the NFL out of college and how he got into some body guarding after that. Then he did some construction and eventually got into the radio thing. Johnny said he never really thought about doing the radio thing.
Howard said Johnny was working at Scores for a while. Johnny said that's where he actually met Howard for the first time. He said he introduced himself quickly and that was it.
Johnny said that his real name, John Sialiano, was too long so his manager told him to change it. That's when he came up with the Goumba Johnny thing. He said that it was going to be Johnny Goumba but his manager told him ''Goumba Johnny'' was great.
Howard said that Scores was like the Studio 54 of the 90s. Johnny said they weren't doing that well back when he was there. He said they don't talk about that time. He said that they signed Lonnie Hanover there and he was a huge deal for the club and then they blew up.
Johnny talked about the strippers at the club when he was there. He said his biggest fear is to like the girls that come in. He said that you can get into big trouble when you actually like someone like that. He said that the girls would usually tell him to hit the road if he did like them.
Johnny is working with a guy that h e was working with at Scores. That guy is known as Hollywood Hamilton. Howard knew that name from Z-100. Johnny said he used to do voices over there for his friend Hollywood and then he got offered a job there. He said that he wasn't even looking for a job. Then they offered him $25,000 a year to work there and he was making like $25,000 a month at Scores.
Johnny said they told him that radio was going to be his life and that's when he had a moment of clarity and thought about how he was going to take the job. He went back to the people at Scores and asked him if he could do it. He said they told him to come in after 10 and that was fine. He was going to be working evenings on the radio show. He stayed there at Scores and kept the job while he was doing the radio show.
Johnny talked about how well his nighttime show was doing and how he was getting offers to do a morning show. They put them on in the morning because the station knew they were getting these offers. Johnny was doing really well but then he got arrested for extortion.
Johnny said that there were some things going on at Scores back in 1996. He said that there were some shootings there and a couple of people's lives were taken. He said it's tough to even think about it now. Johnny said that they were decent people and the killings were senseless. Howard asked if he was the one who did the killings. Johnny quickly said no to that.
Johnny said that the owners of the club were convicted of tax fraud and he ended up getting thrown into that whole thing. Johnny said that they had an investigation going on for 2 years that he didn't know about. That was going on from 1996 to 1998 and then it came to an end and 39 guys were arrested. One of them was John Gotti Jr. and Johnny was another one of the 39.
Johnny said he heard his door slam open and the FBI busted in and told him he was under arrest. He said it was probably one of the scariest moments of his life. He said he was the first guy they got because he was like the only guy who had a job. The other guys they had to do surveillance on.
Johnny said that it was almost like graduation day for him. He said that his father was a cop and that wasn't cool. He said that he was charged with extortion and he didn't think he was doing anything like that. Johnny said that he and John Gotti Jr. got to know each other because they were working on their cases together.
Johnny said his dad bailed him out and told him that he saw him on CNN that day. He said he was embarrassed but his father told him that he's only supposed to be on there if he's a flood victim, not because he got arrested with John Gotti Jr. His father said ''I'm your father and I don't even believe you.'' Johnny ended up getting charged with tax evasion in the long run. Johnny said that he'd get tips and stuff over there at Scores and that's what he got busted on.
Johnny said that he and John Gotti Jr. had the same judge in the case. He said he thinks that it was an Italian thing.
Howard asked Johnny if he ever had to beat the crap out of anyone when he was a body guard. Johnny said that a good body guard sees the danger coming and doesn't let anything happen.
He said when he was in jail he got an education. He said that he walked in and saw 5 black guys in this 6 man cell. He asked the guys if he was the only white guy there. One of the guys looked up and told him he wasn't white, he was Italian. Johnny said that they don't look at him like a white guy.
Howard asked if he could have died in prison. Johnny said that he didn't have to too bad in there. He said that things could get out of hand though. He said he'd have to go to the bathroom and fight it out with people once in a while though. He said that he didn't hospitalize anyone but he was able to handle himself just fine in there.
Johnny said he had an argument over sports with a white guy in prison and they had to fight it out. He said that arguments can start over anything. Johnny said he did what he had to do in there.
Howard asked Johnny if he thought Fred was dead that night he fell on his face at Scores. Johnny said he didn't know he wasn't dead before that.
Johnny talked about Chuck Zito since he was a frequent visitor to Scores. He said that Chuck once knocked out Mickey Rourke out cold. Johnny said that Chuck told him not to worry about it, it was all taken care of. He said that he had differences in his mind about the guy and he was going to lay him out if he ever saw him. That's just what he did.
Johnny said that Chuck is a gentleman and Jean Claude Van Damme once gave him attitude there at Scores so Chuck pummeled him. He said he was there when the AJ Benza thing happened too. He said Chuck came in and told him that he was going to knock AJ out when he got there. Johnny asked him to please not knock people out in the club in the open. He asked him to talk to AJ in his office instead.
Johnny said that AJ came into the club and both he and Chuck went into his office for like 15 minutes. He said that he put his hear to the door after about 17 minutes and Chuck came out saying that he knocked AJ out for like 15 minutes. He said that they sat down and had dinner after that. He said it was pretty wild.
Johnny talked about how crowded prison was and how bad it smells. He said that it's a smell you never get out of you. Johnny said he went from interviewing Will Smith to talking to Joe Smith in Prison. He was only in for 2 months. He said that he was told by one guy who told him that he was allowed to stay in the room but only because he blended in. He said the guy was really intense and told him about how you never put an inmate in with a convict. Johnny said that he was in there for tax evasion and this guy was telling him how to get through prison and how to act in there. The guy told him to do whatever the fuck he told him to do. Johnny said he was taught all of the nuances of what to do in there.
Johnny said that this guy told him not to get his mail anymore. He was going to go get it for him from then on. He said that there were men going to get their mail and getting nothing while he was getting like 15-20 pieces of mail and he didn't want the other guys to get pissed at him. Johnny said he never would have thought of that stuff himself.
Johnny said he was an electrician in prison. That basically means he changed light bulbs. He said he had to quit that job too. He ended up sweeping up the TV hut in prison. He said that you just did it on your leisure. He said that the NBA playoffs were on at this time so he went out to sweep up when they weren't in there. He said there were about 80-100 black guys in there watching the game. They were all yelling and screaming and one guy was yelling at the guy to shoot the ball. The guy was yelling at the TV when Johnny asked him if he was under the impression that he could hear him. Then all of the guys in there turned and looked at him. One of his buddies grabbed him by the arm and told him to get the fuck out of there before he got killed. Johnny said that anyone can get in trouble in prison.
Johnny said there was another time that he was in this pre-release program where they explain to you what happens when you get out. He said there were people in there who had 20 years while he had 2 months. He said they were all pissed at him about that already. Johnny said the case worker got up and told them what was going to happen when they got out. The guy said that they'd get a bus ticket to their place of arrest if they didn't have a home. They were going to give them some clothes and a check for $75. Johnny said one, big, black guy got up and asked about the bus ticket back to where they were arrested and then the check for $75 and said ''Mother fucker, why don't you give me a gun at the gate!?'' Johnny said it was kind of sad and funny at the same time.
Howard took some calls for Johnny. One guy said that he has a new found respect for Johnny after hearing those stories. Another guy said that Johnny sounds like a nice stand-up guy but he does a thing on the radio where he sounds like a real scum bag. Johnny said they do this old radio gag that this guy is talking about. He said that they have girls call up and they say that their boyfriend is cheating on them and they send the roses to the guy to let him know they're cheating. That's it.
Howard gave Johnny some plugs for a comedy gig he's doing in New York. He also gave him a plug for his web site GoumbaJohnny.com.
Howard said that Johnny was doing his radio show when he was waiting for his court case to come up. Johnny said that he was doing the show but there was so much on him that he would break down and cry when he wasn't doing the show. He said he had a lot of pressure on him about the case and trying to entertain people on the radio.
Johnny said that it's been 10 years now and he's writing a one man show about the whole ordeal. He said that the one thing he got out of it wasn't the obvious stuff. He said he never would have realized how much his parents loved him if it weren't for that case. They had to sell their house to bail him out and get him through the case. Howard said that's pretty emotional stuff. Johnny said that he's got a lot of guilt about the whole thing.
Johnny said that he got to know John Gotti Jr. when he was going through the case. He said John asked him to come talk to him after a meeting one day and Gotti told him that he felt sorry for him. He asked John how fucked he was if John Gotti Jr. was feeling sorry for him. Gotti ended up getting off somehow. Johnny said that John told him that he was going to be going to jail for what he was arrested over. Gotti told him that he was trophy number 1 and Johnny was number 2 so he was going to jail.
Johnny said that they made Gotti seem like he wasn't a smart guy in the papers but he was actually very intelligent from what he could tell.
Johnny said that he's on WKTU in New York and he's doing that from 3 to 7. He said he's doing the show with Hollywood again. He said he liked the mornings better though. Howard asked him why he didn't go back on in the morning and show they were wrong for kicking him off for Whoppi Goldberg. Johnny said that they had a dream of syndicating her and giving her the morning show. She got 3 years at $10 million and no one showed up to listen. Johnny said that it's not as easy to do a radio show as it looks.
Johnny said they got rid of her after 18 months and asked him to do mornings again. Johnny said the offer they gave him wasn't very good so he didn't do it. He said they did keep him on in the afternoon and he's making decent money. He has a good life now and he's enjoying it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Johnny is the funniest guy he's heard in a long time. He told Artie to have him open up for him. Artie said that he's a headliner so he'd be insulting him to ask him to do that.
Double A called in and said that Johnny was funny today. He said that the guy is a stand up guy and a great guy because he always tells him to say hi to them. Robin said that Double A has never extended those greetings to them.
Another caller brought up Johnny's charges and how he was trying to make it sound like he was a victim. Johnny said he wasn't trying to say that. He said that he was charged with extortion but there was no case for it. He said that they were getting tips at the time and the owners were cooperating. He said that he didn't shake anyone down like the charges were claiming. Johnny went through the explanation of how all of that stuff worked. He said he knows he was dumb for doing things the way they did over there. Johnny said that he was guilty of what he was indicted for and he admits that. They had to wrap up and go to break a short time later.
Howard said that he was reading that they gave out the code words for Obama's kids in the paper. He said that you'd think that they'd try to keep that secret. Robin said that's just what the Secret Service calls them and they've always known that kind of stuff.
Howard said he was reading the NY Times the other day and read about this guy who died who was only 52 years old. He said he died of pancreatic cancer and he was a guy who was against smoking and other unhealthy things like that. Howard said that life just isn't fair.
Howard read a story about a Meals on Wheels delivery guy who was shot. He said the guy was 55 years old and a grandfather and he was delivering Meals on Wheels in Brownsville and he was kind of nervous about it. Howard said it wasn't even Meals on Wheels, it was for a Jewish center. He said he went to drop off the meal and he was shot in the hall of this apartment building. No reason for it. They found his wallet on him but it was empty so they're not sure if it was a robbery or not.
High Pitch Eric was already on line for Artie's book signing. Howard took a call from him and also got to speak to Fred the Elephant Boy for a few seconds. Fred said that this is only second to Howard's book signing. Howard had him give the phone back to Eric. Howard asked Eric to start the signing and tell people that he was Artie. He didn't give Eric a chance to respond before hanging up on him. Artie said the line was already around the block at 8 this morning. He thought that was pretty cool.
Robin said that today is also Veteran's day so there are a lot of people off. Artie said he heard that the parade goes right by the book store there.
Robin read some news about a special texting thing that's set up for the troops over in Iraq and Afghanistan. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard looked like he had a pot belly when he was on the Eric the Midget Howard TV show. Howard said he has a bit of a belly there. Robin had him stand up and said there was no belly there. Howard told Artie that he doesn't look too bad either when he stood up and showed his giant belly.
Robin read a story about the Captain America movie that's in the works. She said that they came up with a director for the movie. Robin said that Beyonce is trying to get the part of Wonder Woman. Howard said that won't work. He said that she's too ''cartoonish'' for the character and they need to get a real actor in there.
Robin brought up this new super hero movie ''The Watchmen'' and talked about that movie. Howard said he saw the trailer but he's never heard of these characters. He said the trailer looked awesome though.
Gary said that their intern Steve is a big fan of The Watchmen and he could fill them in. Howard said he didn't have a lot of time for that. Steve Brandano came in and told Howard about The Watchmen and how they were kind of Batman and Robin types. He said he thinks the movie will be awesome. Howard and Steve both thought the trailer made the movie look bad ass.
Howard said he has a great story line for Howard TV that he's going to be working on with Sal and Richard. He told Artie what it was going to be about. He said that they're going to open up with a voice over of a white guy talking about being raised by a black family. His family is a radical black family and he only likes black people because his own race rejected him. Then they show him and we see Daniel Carver. He talks about infiltrating the KKK and that's when they see him being taught how to say ''Wake up white people!'' Robin said that Daniel won't play along with that. Howard said he thinks he will and they could have an ear piece in his ear where they tell him what to say at the Klan meetings. Howard said that's just the start and there's more to it but this is just a teaser.
Artie said that they have to get someone to play Daniel in it because he won't do it. Howard said they have to have Daniel play the part.
Robin read a story about a 2 year old girl that was choking while the baby sitter was in the bathroom. The family parrot alerted the baby sitter to the problem and said ''Mama baby'' over and over again. The baby was choking on a Pop-Tart according to the baby sitter. Howard said that was beautiful and said that's a fantastic story. The Baby Sitter ran out and did the Heimlich maneuver on the baby.
Robin brought up the story about the 8 year old boy charged with double murder. It turns out the kid planned it and used a .22 rifle to kill his parents. They're saying that the kid got a spanking the night before but he had no history of being a troubled kid. The kid ended up calling his parents into the room to kill them. The father was walking up the stairs when the kid shot them. He had to reload the gun each time to take the shots.
Robin said that the kid is so young that they think that he may not have known that he was killing them forever. She said it was a strange and amazing story to her.
Robin read some stories about parents who are leaving their kids in Nebraska at hospitals now that there's a law saying it's okay to do that. They just recently had a 17 year old dropped off by a parent.
Robin said that there's a copycat killer based on the show Dexter. She read that story and Artie said he doesn't know of anyone who watches ''Dexter.'' Robin said she loves the show and watches it along with a few people there.
Robin read some news about Governor Palin being upset about some stuff that's been said after the election. She's doing some interviews about that now. Howard said that whole family seems weird. He said that someone should be staying home with the 5 kids. Especially when one of them is retarded.
Robin said that Laura Bush is going to write a book. Howard said no one is going to care about that. Robin said she could call it ''I was married to the worst President ever.'' The guys talked about how high the expectations of Barack Obama are right now. Howard talked about how Eisenhower was kind of against Kennedy before he met him but once he met him during the transition period, the guy was in awe of Kennedy's knowledge of the issues. He said that Obama is already treating Bush like he's the one giving him the tour of the White House when he was there visiting.
Robin read a story about a city Councilman who was accused of peeing on a crowd in a club. He just apologized to his peers about falling off the wagon. He claims he had a drink and just poured it over the balcony though.
Robin had some news about AIG continuing to throw big parties while they're being bailed out by the government. She had some audio clips of someone talking about that. Howard said that's very similar to the people who borrow money from Artie and continue to party. Howard said that AIG just said that they have a rare Harley and they will eventually pay back the government.
Robin had some audio of some Country Music award nominees being announced. She also talked about the Obama kids being offered the chance to go on the Hanna Montana show. She had some audio of David Schwimmer talking about doing a voice in a cartoon. Robin had some audio of the new Bond girl talking about the new movie. The guys goofed on her accent for a short time.
Robin said that Paris Hilton is in a new movie with Sarah Brightman. She had some audio of her talking about that. Robin said she can't believe that Paris is in a movie with such a talented actress. They played some of Paris' audio clips and goofed on her for a couple of minutes.
Robin had some audio clips of Samuel L. Jackson talking about ''Soul Men'' and losing both Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes this year before the movie came out. Robin finished her news and Howard ended the show a short time later, around 10:45am.
Jon asked Will if he was surprised at the reaction Fred had today. Will said that's about what he expected.
Gary said that he had a similar thing that Fred has where he has an accountant write out his checks. He said that it was very expensive though.
Gary was choking on something and his eyes were watering. Jon asked if he was okay. Gary said he was fine but his eyes were still tearing up. He said he was back and fine.
Will said that it's funny that Fred can't write his own check but Howard write his own check to him for his wedding. Jon said that Will was also looking for an apology from Fred. Will said he doesn't expect that to happen.
Benjy said that he thinks that Jason is going to expect one from him soon too because he didn't send him anything yet. Will said that he finds it all really weird that Fred didn't send him anything.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up T-Pain from yesterday. He said that T-Pain was taking credit for the vocal sound he uses but other guys have used it before.
Fred came in around that time to talk to Will about this stuff. He said he was telling Will the truth and he had this on his mind and he was going to send him a check. He told Will he's being silly. Will said that he was just busting Fred's balls and it was no big deal.
Fred said that he's never had that problem before and it will probably never happen again. Fred said that he had no bad intent there so he won't apologize to him for not giving him anything yet.
Gary asked Fred why he doesn't write out a check himself. Fred said he just doesn't handle that stuff himself. He said that most stuff, with the exception of Will, gets handled on time. He said that they have it all in one spot so they can do his taxes and stuff out of the same place.
Jon asked Fred what upset him most, the check or the apology. Fred said he didn't know. All he knows is that he's going to get a check.
Fred said he felt like it was extortion. Will said there were a few other people who didn't send gifts but it's funnier to hear Fred.
A caller said that Will's move was kind of assholish. He said that he came in there expecting money. Benjy said that Fred told him to expect one. Will said that Fred did tell him that he was going to send him something. Fred said he was going to do that until he became kind of jerky to him.
Another caller said that you do have a full year to send a gift if you follow proper etiquette. Gary asked her if she's married. She said she's engaged. Gary asked her if she has ever waited a whole year. The woman said that it's legal to wait the year. Gary said that most people get their gifts around the time of the wedding and not a year later.
The caller said that she went to 8 weddings this summer and gave the kind of gifts she wanted to give at the time. She said that you can space it out though.
Fred said that he was fully in his rights to do it the way he was doing it. He said that now he has to worry about Christmas coming up and people complaining about secret Santa. Gary said there may be no gifts this year based on the way the economy is going. The guys thought it would be funny if they didn't give any gifts at all.
Gary said that he kind of went off the grid last year with gifts against Howard's wishes. Will said that Fred forgot to get them anything 2 years ago. Last year Fred was one of the only people who did give everyone something. Fred said that it wasn't that he was going behind Howard's back. He wanted to give a few gifts to some people.
The guys talked about some of the gifts they've gotten at work in the past few years. They also talked about the one intern that got a gift form Howard last year and how lucky she was.
Gary said that Robin always tells him that he's wrong but then he proves her right. He said that she confronted him about his comments about her voting Democrat 75 percent of the tine and she told him she hadn't voted that many times in the past 20 years.
Gary said that Robin had an assistant before this one that just got fired. He said that he doesn't know how many others she's had though. Gary said that Mr. X was her assistant at home but then she had one at work. Now she's looking for one that would cover both places.
Fred was talking about how he doesn't have an assistant so Gary said that if he did, he would have gotten his gift out on time to Will. Fred then went off on Will about being vindictive and mean. They went back and forth on that for a short time.
Fred said he's not sure what Robin is looking for in this assistant and she may not know because the other assistants she loved did such a good job that she didn't know all of what they were doing.
Jason came in so Gary asked him how many assistants she's had there lately. Jason said that it's just been two since Mr. X. He said that he didn't even know that Mr. X was her assistant. He said that she's had 2 assistants in 2 years so it wasn't that many.
Jason was also saying that Robin was hard to work for because she didn't know what she anted an assistant for. She didn't know if she was hired to help her with the show, her personal life or outside projects. Jason said he didn't want to say which one it was though.
Jon asked Jason if he had any problems working with Robin on the GNO (Girls Night Out) thing. Jason said he didn't have any problems but he wasn't really working for her and getting paid for it. He's not sure what it's like to work for her.
Jason said that Shuli is asking about Artie and Robin and who is harder to work for as an assistant. He said he'd probably have to say that it would be Artie based on what's gone on there with Teddy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that the next step for Robin is some wacky religion or something. He said that she may go to scientology or something like that. Gary said that he thinks she kind of played down the masseuse who has ''healing hands'' today. He said that from what he's heard he's more of a spiritual healer than Robin is letting on.
Jason said he heard from a person who knows this Gypsy guy that they were afraid that if they said anything bad about him, that he was going to put a curse on them. Gary said he had that same discussion with that person.
Gary asked Will if he met Gypsy. Will said that he did meet him at Robin's place. He wasn't saying much about him though. Will said that he doesn't want to get into it but he did say that he's more than a massage therapist. Gary said he thought he was an actual gypsy, he didn't know that was his name.
Gary said that when Fred comes in the phones fill up with Fred calls. Another guy said that he was great last week when he got in a fart sound during a segment. Fred didn't know what he was referring to but he appreciated the compliment.
Gary said he loves the sound clip of the guy falling down the steps and hitting every step on the way down. Fred said that's one of his favorite clips. Fred talked about playing that clip when Frank Stallone fell down some steps one time during a show he was doing. That ended his tour too.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she saw Fred at Howard's wedding and thought he looked like Christian Slater. Fred took that compliment well too. They had to go to break after that.
Jon went to the phones and took a call from Cyrus who asked if Robin ever admits that maybe she's wrong. Jon said that Jason and Gary are the ones talking about all of that but she takes offense to them talking about her that way. Jon said that if you're her assistant and not doing what she wants them to do then she has the right to move on. Jon said that he doesn't buy the theory about Robin not knowing what she wants her assistant to do.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the Wrap Up Show should be on at another time during the day because it's such a great show. Jon said he thought Tim explained it well a couple of weeks ago why they don't play it in the afternoon/evening replay.
Teddy said that it is on right before Bubba is on. Jon said it's not on at 5 though. The caller went on to say that Fred is genius with the sound clips and how he's right on the Mambo thing when Ronnie comes in. Fred said that it's really amazing when Fred is doing that stuff.
Jon also talked about how much play the Mambo is getting now and everyone is trying to get the stuff. The caller said that it's hilarious stuff. The guy said that Fred didn't have to send a gift at all to Will either. Jon said that he thinks that he should because he does work with the guy and he was invited to the wedding.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that everyone hates Robin. Jon said he doesn't hate her. He said he thinks she ads a lot to the show and she helps make the show click the way it does. He said that not ''everyone'' hates her.
The guy was pointing out some of the stuff Robin says wrong on the air and how she insists on it. Jon said that she gives her opinion and that's what people do. Everyone makes mistakes but Robin might be called out on it more because she is the news person.
Another caller said he's a psychologist and he thinks that Howard has this fatherly thing toward JD and Beth is kind of motherly toward him. He said he also heard about the dog getting to Beth and how that's kind of her baby so he was wondering if they want a baby but don't even know it. He also said that maybe they'd like to adopt JD. Jon said that maybe they would like to adopt JD because they really do like him a lot.
Jon said that Howard and Beth have said a lot that they don't want kids. The caller said that they can take them at their word because that's what they might believe but it is possible that they want it and don't even know it.
The caller was also saying that he's not sure what's wrong with Richard but he'd like to experiment with him and do some research with him. Jon said that's a good idea but he doesn't think that Richard is retarded. He said he was born in Kansas and raised on a farm so he has different ways of doing things. He said that Richard doesn't really give a shit what people think of him so that's why he does thing s the way he does.
The caller asked who Jon thinks is the scariest person on the show that they'd hate to piss off. Jon said it would probably be Howard who can really dig deep and hurt a person quickly. He said the other guys in the studio can be rough too but Howard is the one who he'd be the most afraid of pissing off. Teddy said that Howard is definitely the most intimidating guy in the studio. Jon said that Howard can cut you apart in ways that you don't even see coming.
Jon asked Johnny if other people in radio feel the same way. Johnny said that people in the industry ask him if he knows Howard and he really doesn't know him that well even though they have the same agent. He said that you have to be in radio to understand what Howard has really accomplished. He said that there were times when he was getting huge ratings and doubling what other people had. He said his success has gone on so long and that's even more amazing.
Johnny talked about Chuck Zito a little bit. He said that Chuck will tell you if he's going to punch your ear off and that's exactly what will happen if he does tell you that's what's going to happen.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Johnny was good on the show today and he liked how he wasn't boasting about his football career and things like that. He said that he was being very humble about it all and he thinks Howard appreciated the honesty. Jon agreed with him on that.
Jon said that Johnny did get upset about his father when he was talking about him. Johnny said that it took him 10 years to come out and talk about all of this stuff because he was so deeply affected by it. He said he's not different than anyone else and he caused all of this stuff himself. He said he puts himself in these positions and he has to accept that.
Johnny talked about how he'd like to do some TV stuff. He was also talking about how funny Artie is and how great he is at remembering stories.
Ralph called in and said that Johnny must be really low key because he didn't know he worked at Scores and he was there a lot. Johnny said he was there a lot back in 94-97 or so. They were running a lot of girls through there at the time. He said that they had a ton of girls trying out and they would turn some down and they would curse them out. He said that they had to tell them that they just weren't ready and it was nothing personal. Johnny said that it was kind of a revolutionary time back then for the club.
Jon asked if you grow immune to the 10s that he was working with. Johnny said that you see them as people working with them like that. He said that some of the girls are trouble and they're like land mines to you. He said that you see people for what they are and it was like that at that place.
Johnny said that they had a lot of sports stuff going on and always had famous people coming into the club. He said that there were CEO of fortune 500 companies, celebrities and sports stars coming in all the time. Dennis Rodman was dating one of the girls there. He said that he kind of watched Mark Wahlberg growing up there. He said it was really amazing to see so many stars coming in. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how he wishes that he had done a better job with the song he plays at the beginning of the show. He said that he wishes that Rob Zombie had him doing a better job.
Howard said Artie overslept this morning because he was so busy doing stuff after the show yesterday. Robin said that the success must be killing him.
Howard said he had a clip from PerezHilton.com that Beth told him about. He said that it was Paris Hilton talking about how Barack Obama is the first ''colored president.'' Howard said it was Maria Menounos doing the interview with her. He played the clip and Robin didn't think it was ''colored'' that they were hearing. Howard said it was and replayed it for her.
Howard said that it sounded like colored to him. Robin didn't think that's what it was. She said that he was just hearing how stupid she was.
Howard said Artie did Conan last night so he was going to play the audio from that. He said that Pastor Manning is going to be calling in this morning. Robin said he has an interesting take on the whole Obama thing. Howard said it should be an interesting call. They talked about some of the stuff he's said about Obama and then played some song parodies that they put together using the ''Obama!'' clips that they have from that guy.
Howard said he had a couple of things in the paper that he wanted to mention too. He said he had some clips from the Wrap Up Show to play and Beetlejuice will be stopping in too.
Gary came in and told Howard that Sal just made a prank call using Pastor Manning audio clips. Howard played that and it was Sal calling a woman and playing the ''Obama!'' audio clip from Pastor Manning. He played the ''Obama is a long legged mack daddy'' clip and some others as well. The woman kept hanging up him. Howard thought that was pretty good.
Howard had some things to point out in the paper. He said there was a guy who was arrested for a mugging and they had a picture in the NY Daily News today of the guy getting arrested and his pants were so low that they fell down.
Howard said there's another article about Madonna and Guy Ritchie getting divorced and Guy had the kids for the weekend. He said that Madonna sent him a list of rules for the kids for the weekend and they had the list in the article. Howard read some of the rules and said that if it were him, he'd end up breaking those rules on purpose. She had a lot of crazy demands about the kind of food and drink that they should have. She demands that the water they drink is blessed by the Kabalah people.
Howard said that Obama had a press conference the other day and someone asked if he's going to speak English since they've been speaking pig Latin for the past 8 years.
Howard said that he's going to pull the plug if one of them ends up on life support. He said there is no quality of life then. Robin asked what the quality of life is that he'd pull the plug on. Howard said he'd pull the plug even if they have to take just one pill. He said he knows that he doesn't want to live like that so that's what he would want.
Howard played some audio clips of some of the nutty things that President Bush has said over the past 8 years and got some laughs out of the guys in the studio. There were a few minutes of weird comment and flubs from speeches he made. Robin said it would be funny if it were a Saturday Night Live routine.
Haydn said that she went to a Killers of Comedy Show and saw JD up there in Toronto. She said she wanted to make amends to JD for something she said to him a couple of years ago. She said that JD just stormed off when she said she wanted to make amends with him.
Howard said he was going to speak for JD since he's a mumble mouth. They played some audio of JD mumbling and stumbling through some stuff.
Howard said that JD just doesn't want to be goofed on by him. Haydn said she wasn't goofing on him. She said that she was trying to make up with him. JD came in and said that he wasn't attracted to him. JD said her brother was goofing on him and saying that he was worthless. Haydn said he didn't but JD said that was bullshit.
Howard said that Haydn is cute as can be and JD just doesn't want to be goofed on. Howard told her that she was blessed with good looks and JD is just tortured by that.
Haydn said that she was a dork in high school and she knows what that's like. She said she wasn't going to make fun of him and just tried to make up with him. JD said he was being nice too but he was trying to work. He had a video camera in his hands at the time.
Howard said that if Haydn really understood then she would have written him a note instead of calling in. Howard said he was wise to her and he knows that she's just doing this to get on the air. He told her she doesn't have to play that game. Robin told JD that she won't always have those looks. Howard said that when women get older they lose their looks so JD shouldn't worry about it.
Howard said a chick like this has her best years right now. He said that in 2089 she'll be crawling up JD's leg. Haydn said she doesn't even want to think about what she'll look like in 2089.
Howard told her that it's just her way of trying to feel better about herself. Haydn said that maybe it was but she still wants to come in and get naked for him. Howard said that she should really consider being his girlfriend.
Haydn asked JD if he wanted to accept her apology. Howard said he's not going to do that and thanked her for coming in. Howard said that the Playboy modeling is a nowhere street and she can't keep doing that. She said she knows that. Howard said she has a little sex appeal but she has to have a little empathy for JD. He said she doesn't need to keep hammering him that stuff. He said he'll hammer JD himself. Robin said she hates when she sees beautiful women that are obnoxious.
Howard said he heard that Belzer is trying to get his number from the North Shore Animal League. He said that he heard that Belzer bailed on another event he was invited to participate in too.
Howard said Belzer got involved in the North Shore Animal league thing and it seems like he's doing it just to get publicity. He said he was very disappointed in him for bailing out 15 minutes before the event started. He said that Belzer should have called and found a friend to fill in for him and this isn't sincere of him trying to apologize now.
Howard said he was going to unbook the guy from the show but Gary thought he was being a little harsh. He said he's going to have him come in and talk about it.
Howard read some stuff about Will and Fred and the whole wedding gift thing. He said people were all over that.
Yucko the Clown called in and said that Richard Belzer isn't funny anymore. Howard said maybe there's a whole explanation that he'll give them that will make up for what happened. He said he isn't saying that he's unfunny though.
Yucko is on the Wack Pack at the Christy's Farm special on Howard TV this month. Howard got in some plugs for that. The second episode will be up tomorrow night.
The guys talked about Artie being late this morning and how he's just overwhelmed with the book stuff right now.
Fred said that he didn't forget Will's wedding and he really was going to give him a gift and it was going to be around this time. Will said that he's not just trying to take people's money and that's what people are saying. Fred said he's not saying that at all.
Fred told Will that he should call his wife if he can afford to turn down that money. Will said that he's not taking his half of the money. Fred said this is a shared gift and they can't afford not to take it.
Howard asked Will if he's going to take the gift. Will said they'd figure it out after the show. Howard said that it was getting kind of boring.
Howard said that the people in the e-mail were saying they didn't think Fred was going to give him a gift. Fred said he's not sure how they came to that conclusion.
Howard read some more mail about the whole wedding gift thing. They were saying that Fred had 3 months to give a gift but Fred said the official thing is a year.
Howard played some clips from the Wrap UP Show where Will and Fred were going at it. That discussion was basically the same thing they just did on the air a few minutes before. Howard said that went on and on for a while.
Fred asked that people not ask him to any more weddings because he's not going to give any gifts because of this.
The guy said that he wasn't going to be getting too much further in life and that he was dying. Robin asked what it was. The guy said that he's stuck on the planet and he has no one. He wasn't clear on what he had that was making him sick. Howard said he wanted to know what it was because he sounded so upset. The guy said he's been a big fan since DC101.
Howard told him he'd send him a bottle of Mambo for him. He said that Ronnie has said that stuff will get the chicks. Howard asked the guy if he's just depressed or if he has a physical problem. The guy said he was in a car accident in 1988 and it broke 3 bones in his back. He said he's been worthless since then. He's not paralyzed but that would almost be a blessing if he was. The guy said that the pain is constantly there and they have him on nothing but opiates. He's addicted to that stuff.
Howard said he was going to help the guy out and try to let him win $1,000. The guy, Raphael, said that meant more than he could know. Howard said he had a game for him to play. Howard didn't have a name for the game so Raphael said that it could be the ''I just love you'' game. Howard said that was great. Howard had him spell his name to win the money because he was just going to give him the money. The guy said he wanted to do something for him. Raphael said that it was spelled with a PH and not an F like some people think.
Howard said he had some clips of Richard asking Big Foot some questions. Raphael had to guess if he'd know the answers. The first one was Richard asking him if he knew who Ben Franklin was. Raphael said he thinks he'd know that one. He was right, Big Foot actually had a clue as to who he was. Howard gave him the $1,000 after that.
Raphael broke down crying again. Artie showed up around then too so Raphael told him that he pre-ordered his book and that he wanted to go to Canada and kill people or something nutty like that. It wasn't clear why he said that though. Howard said he thinks he just gave a psychopath $1,000.
Howard let Raphael go a short time later. The guy said that he's a huge fan of the show but they'll know when he's gone when they see his obituary. He said that he'll be known as the number 1 fan who didn't play with the Stern Fan Network or that JFSC thing. Howard said he'd leave it at that then.
Howard played another clip from the game he was playing. Richard asked Big Foot if he knew who Brad Pitt was. That led to Howard talking about Brad Pitt and how odd he's looking these days. They spent a minute on that and then played Big Foot's answer. He thought Brad Pitt was a comedian.
Gary came in and said that Richard was just telling him about how he and his friend were watching ''Interview with the Vampire'' together while on the phone together.
Howard got back to the game and played Richard asking Big Foot if he knew who Fred Norris was. He had no idea. Richard asked who Hugh Hefner was. Big Foot said he was a senator. Hulk Hogan was next. Big Foot said he was a wrestler. Even Big Foot knows that one.
Richard asked who Jerry Seinfeld was. Big Foot said he didn't have the foggiest idea who he was. Richard asked who Madonna was. Big Foot said it was a singer. Richard asked who Michael Jordan is. Big Foot knew he was a basketball player. Ron Jeremy was a singer to Big Foot. Howard said he likes this game. He said that Richard had a winner there. Shaquille O'Neil was a singer to Big Foot. Tom Cruise was a airplane pilot to him too. Fred thought he deserved half credit for that answer.
Richard asked who Winston Churchill was. Big Foot thought he was a reverend. Richard asked who Baba Booey is. Big Foot said he's a guy on Stern radio. Abraham Lincoln didn't register with Big Foot. Tom Brady was from the Brady Bunch and Adolph Hitler was a Nazi. Alec Baldwin was another one that Big Foot didn't have the foggiest idea on. Howard said that Fred should have that ''foggiest idea'' clip.
Howard said he had to take a break but he wanted to get to Artie's appearances that he made. Artie said that he just went on Conan and did whatever he wanted instead of paying attention to the pre-interview. They talked to Artie about being late this morning. Artie said that he overslept and his driver wasn't able to wake him up because his cell phone was out.
Howard said that he couldn't sleep himself last night. He kept waking up over and over last night. He said that the problem is that he's smarter than 90 percent of the people out there and people don't listen to him. They had to go to break a short time later.
Artie said he had to try it too. He took a bite and said you should run, not walk, to get one. Gary told him that it wasn't the caramel pretzel thing that he was eating. It was the Reese's peanut butter cup Klondike bar that he was trying.
Howard asked why Tim Sabean doesn't know what he's giving him. Howard said he heard that Gary was Howarding all of these bars in his freezer there. Gary said he hasn't eaten one yet. Howard got the caramel pretzel bar and tried that one as well. He said ''Oh wow..'' and said he could eat the whole thing in a minute. He gave it to Artie to try after that. Howard said he wants to become fat so bad.
Artie said that these people are geniuses. Robin said that they didn't need to improve on the old bars but they did. Howard said he thinks he likes them both. Artie said they were both very good. He said the caramel pretzel was a close second.
Howard played some of the Pastor Manning clips that they've been playing on the show for a long time now. They had him yelling ''Obama!'' and calling him a long legged mack daddy among other things.
After the clips Howard got Pastor Manning on the phone. Manning was pretty calm so Howard said it was weird to hear him so calm. Howard played him some of the song parodies they've created using his audio clips. Manning laughed at those. He said he's glad that they've found them so amusing.
Howard asked Manning how many people he has in his church. Manning said he has several hundred. Howard asked him if they ran off after that speech. Manning said that they didn't run off and they were with him during that speech about Obama. He said that you can hear them praising him when he was making the speech. Howard said they weren't yelling it out though.
Howard asked Manning about what's been happening since the election and if he's changed his mind at all. Manning said he's more committed to demonstrating the truth since the election. He said he wants to expose the truth about Obama. Manning said that he was trying to say that black people are in dire straights and their god problems can't be solved by one man. He said that this is going to delay them and black people have to turn back to god because he's the one who made them black.
Howard asked Manning about some of the stuff he's said about Obama being trash and things like that. He wanted to understand why he was so against the guy. Manning said that he thinks that people are looking at this man like he's god and they have to know that he's not. He also said that he's not against black men getting together with white women either when he was talking about Obama's parents.
Howard said that Manning's Church is in Harlem and he got started after he got out of jail. Manning said he was saved in jail while he was in for 3 years. Manning said he grew up a share cropper's son in South Carolina. He was in jail for burglary and stealing from people's homes. Howard read that he stole from 100 homes or so.
Manning said he had a job working as a marketer for Procter and Gamble as a young man but he looked at the suffering of black people and he got angry with the establishment and went to the streets. He said that he ended up going to jail after stealing and he was turned on to the word of God in jail.
Manning was only robbing white people when he was robbing people. Manning said he made it a purpose not to steal from the black people at all.
Howard said that Manning started his own church and calls himself a doctor but he got that doctorate from his own church. Manning explained more about that.
Howard asked about the screaming he does in his speeches. Manning said he can do that all day long. Howard said that it is kind of entertaining.
They talked about Obama a little more and Manning was saying that he's not for Christmas and things like that. He calls himself a Christian according to Howard though. Manning said that he's not a good Christian though. Manning said that he thinks that this could destroy this nation.
Howard asked if Manning is married. He said he is. Howard asked if he's ever been with a white woman. Manning said he did go out with a white woman but he wasn't going to say if he ''got her.'' Howard said he was going to take that as a yes.
Howard asked Manning about how many kids he has. He said he has 3 of his own and his wife had 2 so they have a total of 5.
Manning talked about Oprah starting her own church called the New Earth Church an they've grown it to 5 million since last year. He said they don't even believe that Jesus is lord. He started preaching to Howard about how Oprah is the anti-Christ.
Howard gave Manning a plug for his web site ATLAH.org and for his book that he sells there.
Howard told Manning that he has to look at history and see that there were people who thought that Jackie Robinson was the worst thing for baseball. Now those people just look like jerk offs. He said that Manning might look like one of those people in the future if Obama turns out to be a great President. Manning said that he thinks he's doing right and not doing wrong.
Howard took a call for Pastor Manning and the guy asked him who he thinks has bigger lips, God or Satan. Manning said he didn't know what he was referring to. Howard cut that guy off and took another call. The next guy said he was ready to jump out of his car because he agrees with what this guy is saying and also with Oprah.
A woman called in and went off on Manning saying that she was so upset with him. She told Howard that the guy was nuts and he had to get him off the air. She said that she actually does see god through Obama. Howard said that maybe she's right. Manning didn't agree. He said that he's seen big crowds around people like Hitler and people like that. The woman continued to yell at him telling him he was a jerk. She wouldn't let Manning speak.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Manning is brilliant. He said it has nothing to do with race at all and people are coming out of the woodwork to support this Obama who came out of nowhere.
Another caller said that he gives Manning props and thinks they should give him an hour long show. Robin asked if they can save the world in the next four years while Obama is in. Howard asked Manning when he's doing his next sermon. He said he's doing that on Saturday. He does some stuff for YouTube as well.
Fred asked Pastor Manning what he meant by not letting the negros take over the country. Manning went into a long explanation and was basically saying that he sees a lot of chaos going on. Manning went on and on about how he's not just about Obama and how he's done a lot of stuff in their community to help out.
Manning said that Columbia University has taken over up there and grabbed a bunch of land there. He said that David Dinkens got booed when he was elected Mayor of New York City and they'll do the same for Obama when they get to know him.
Riley Martin called in and started to go on and on about something that no one could figure out. Howard said he had no clue about what he was saying. Riley continued to ramble on and tell Manning about what he thinks is going to happen. He said that we are on the verge of destruction. Howard said that Riley was filibustering. He had to stop him for a moment so Manning could speak. Manning said that he thinks that they have lost their way and they will find their way again.
Riley kept interrupting Manning and said that he thinks Manning would have killed someone if people were home when he broke into their house. Manning said that wasn't part of this discussion. Riley went off on him about some of the stuff he was saying. Howard asked if they could imagine being stuck in prison with those two.
Riley and Manning were speaking over each other for a couple of minutes. Howard let each of them get in a few final words and then gave Manning some plugs for his book and web site. Manning continued to preach to Howard for a few more minutes. Robin was arguing with him about some of what he was saying and one caller said she as begin a little rough with him. Howard wrapped up and let Manning go a short time later.
Howard and the guys spent a little more time talking about the interview and how Manning seems to like mixing it up with all of that stuff.
Howard took another call and said he thinks the root of our problems is our religion and he might agree that Obama is the Anti-Christ.
Howard took another call from a guy who was at the book signing and said it was very nice to see Robin there. He said that he told Robin that she looked amazing a few times. Robin said that it was tough to tell where people were but it was nice to see them there.
Dennis Hof from the Bunny Ranch called in and said he's kind of disturbed by this Eric the Midget thing with this Dixie Chick (Natalie Maines) or whatever she is. Dennis said that he was talking to some people and he's upset about what's going on with her bad mouthing Eric. Howard said that he's not even sure what the controversy is. He said that the girls are doing Eric because it's good for the Bunny Ranch to get air time and stuff. He had Eric on the phone too so he said he's not sure why he's upset.
Dennis said that they didn't do this stuff to get a plug on the show. He said he did it for Eric because they've heard him on the show.
Howard asked Eric why he's so upset. Eric said that he wasn't the only guest who was up at the Bunny Ranch that weekend and they had another person who has terminal cancer up there. Howard told them that they just have to relax and get over it. Howard told Eric he had to go to break but Eric didn't want him to hang up on him.
Dennis said that the girl who was on the show didn't even want to be on the show. She did this for Eric and didn't even want to get paid for it. He said that Haley is upset about the whole thing now that she heard what happened.
Howard said that she had to do it for a reason even if she didn't get paid. Howard told him that they're making a lot out of nothing. Howard said he's not going to entertain this because it doesn't make any sense. He said that chick wasn't going to become Eric's girlfirend or anything liek that so he shouldn't be so upset about such a little thing. Howard said he had to take a break but they ended up talking more about Pastor Manning a little more and then went to break.
Howard said Tim came in with a big announcement for SIRIUS XM. He said that they've combined the music channels there so they have the same music on both services. Howard said he wasn't sure what the whole line up was because the press release was like 7 pages long. He said he doesn't understand the whole thing but Tim wants him to talk about it.
Robin asked if they have a new package now. Howard said he doesn't know. He said that they have the Bob Dylan show on both XM and SIRIUS radios. It's stuff like that.
Howard ended up making fun of Gary when he brought up the way he says Reese's. He said that he says it like ''Ree-zies'' or something like that. Gary tried to defend himself but Howard pointed out that he didn't even know the name of his favorite cartoon character, Baba Louie. Gary thought it was Baba Booey and we all know how that turned out. Fred played a few Baba Booey song parodies while Howard was goofing on him. The Howard TV guys had Gary saying ''you had Ree-Sees.'' Howard told Gary his breath smells like ''fee-ceees.''
Fred started to play Baba Booey song parody after song parody which got Artie laughing pretty hard. He had a new one that he threw in there that was to the tune of AC/DC's Thunderstruck. That made Artie laugh even more. Sal was dancing around in the hall with his Gary mask on while holding the Klondike bar with the Reese's on it.
Howard asked if Artie saw the Halloween special where Gary's breath was killing everyone. Artie said he did see that and it was good but he really likes the Ronnie Mund Show where they're goofing on him in the hall. Howard continued to goof on Gary about the Reese's thing.
Ralph called in and said that Gary doesn't think about what he says. He pointed out the ''Mac-Hine'' thing. Fred played that clip a couple of times.
Gary came in and tried to explain himself to them. He said that he's never said Reese's the way Howard said. He said that the guys were saying it funny today and he was thinking they had some strange pronunciation for it so that's why he said it the way he did today.
Howard continued to goof on Gary about the Baba Booey thing and the ''Mac-Hine'' thing he did. Fred played more of the Baba Booey song parodies and had Artie laughing his ass off. Artie was waiting to hear the Booey Joel song parody so Fred threw that one in. Artie was laughing way too hard over that stuff.
Howard read some more about the new channel line up on SIRIUS XM. Howard said he finally figured it out after all of that.
Howard said that Eric the Midget was on the phone complaining about being rushed off. Howard said that it is fair. He got Eric back on and let him vent for a few seconds. Howard told him that it's a silly argument he's having.
Eric said that he's trying to talk about this whole Natalie Maines thing but he's not letting him. Howard told him that the girls are using him for publicity. Eric yelled at Howard saying that no one at the ranch is using him.
Howard tried to explain to Eric what he thought was going on. Howard said that the girl from the bunny Ranch isn't punishing Natalie Maines. He said that she's just trying to get out of having sex with him. Eric said that he's not being used. Robin said that they're not fucking him anymore either. Eric said that if he was being used he'd be the first one to admit it.
Artie was trying to say something to Eric but Eric said if he wanted his opinion he'll wait until his picture outsells his original picture on his web site. Artie got a laugh out of that.
Howard said Robin is actually going out to dinner with Beth tonight. Robin said that Beht wanted to go to this vegan place but Howard told her that he guarantees that she didn't want to go there and Robin threw it out there. Robin said that she was asked about where they could go and she threw out that place. Robin said Beth already picked out what she's going to eat. Howard said she's just being nice to her.
Howard said Beth is just too nice and she'd go anywhere with Robin. Robin said she was fine with it and she's not just being nice. Robin said she would go anywhere if she was going out with someone else.
Howard told Eric he knows how he feels but to blame Natalie Maines for what she said it absurd. Eric said that Natalie saying what she said is like telling kids there is no Santa Claus. Howard said ''so what?'' He said it doesn't stop Santa from delivering gifts if they tell kids that there isn't one.
Eric said that they're letting this dumb ass, over opinionated bitch make the girls at the Bunny Ranch look bad. Howard told Eric that he has to think about this. He's never gotten pussy before and now he's getting an orgy out of nowhere. He said that they were blowing him, fucking him and doing it to him more than once. Artie said he jumped from JD to David Lee Roth in one second.
Howard said Natalie's opinion was that they were using him and that's just her opinion. Howard said that Eric not getting sex after her saying that doesn't have anything to do with what she said. It's just the girl trying to get out of having sex with him.
Howard told Eric that Dennis is just trying to get some publicity for his Bunny Ranch and that's why he got him laid. Eric asked what he and the girls have to do to prove that they're not doing it for publicity. Howard said that she should fuck him and not bring it up on the air at all. Just fuck Eric and not talk about it at all on the air. Howard said that after 7 years of her doing that, then he can call back and tell them about it. That would prove them wrong.
Howard said that it doesn't make any sense and that's why he rushed him off the air earlier. Howard said that Eric is in a pussy haze right now.
Ralph called in and asked Eric to listen to him for one second. He said that Natalie flew in to see him from California and she wasn't out to harm him in any way. He told him that if he wants to get laid he should just save up some money and fly out there to get laid again.
Eric asked Gary where his reply was about the photo he wanted to sell. Eric was very demanding. Gary came in and asked what it was. Eric said it was a picture of him sitting in front of the Howard Fist. Gary said that he's ignoring Eric about that. He said he asked for a picture of him and Howard together. He told him he couldn't sell it so Eric asked if he could sell another one. Gary said he didn't want to deal with that so he just ignored him. Artie asked Eric to stop selling his picture too.
Gary said that he wants nothing to do with selling pictures and he doesn't want to get into trouble with that. Eric said he was looking for a replacement to use. Howard told Eric to sell nude pictures of himself and he'd buy those. Ralph said that he'd pay $100 for that too.
Eric got a text message from Dennis while he was on the phone and all it said was ''Santa.'' No one was sure what it mean.
Gary said that Eric was talking about how he doesn't know when he finishes for some reason. Howard asked him what that's about. Eric said that the first night he was with Haley he finished 3 of 4 times. He said he was trying to be discrete. His parents don't want him going into all of the details. Gary told him to talk about hat stuff on the Wrap Up Show then. Eric said that no one reports on the Wrap Up Show (Uhhhh, hello, yoo hoo... yes I do).
Howard tried to wrap up with Eric and let him go but they ended up talking more about the Bunny Ranch. Ralph said that they should be sending girls to Eric every week now with the amount of publicity they're getting. Howard thanked Eric for calling in. He said that Natalie had nothing to do with his problems. Eric said that she did and she caused problems between him and Johnny too. Howard let him go a short time later and went to break.
Howard came back a short time later and had Beetlejuice come in. He heard that he was in a bad mood this morning though. He said you never know what mood he's going to be in when he comes in. He was there with his friend, and fellow little person, Dominic. They're doing a show this week that they wanted to promote.
Howard said he heard that they were there with a body guard that claims he had to throw Artie out of a club years ago. Artie said that he didn't know who that was but he'd like to hear the story.
Beet and Dominic came in dressed in boxing gear. They're going to be fighting each other this week. The winner gets to shit in the other guy's pants. This all came about because Beetlejuice claimed that Dominic was the one shitting in his pants whenever he found shit in his underwear.
Beet said he didn't know what this was all about and there was no fight going on. Howard said it looks like Dominic is set to take over and beat Beetlejuice. Beet didn't think that's what was going to happen. He said he's going to send Dominic to the hospital. Dominic said he's going to put Beet to bed this weekend.
Howard asked how might height Dominic had on him. Dominic said that he's shorter than Beetle. Beet has a longer reach too. Howard said Dominic is more muscular. The big fight is happening this Saturday night.
Howard asked Beet why he hates Dominic so much. Beet said he doesn't hate him but he does want to put him in the hospital. Howard said they had a lot of missing teeth between the two of them.
Howard said he heard that Beetle is mad at Dominic because he's been shitting in his pants. Beet said that's right. Howard said Dominic makes it look like he shits his pants when he really doesn't. Dominic said he'll fly on a plane from Jersey City all the way to Vegas just to shit in his pants. Beet said that's just not cool. He said it's not nice to do that to someone.
Howard asked Beet to make sure he didn't shit in his pants today. Beet said that there was no shit in his pants today. Howard asked him to check. Beet said that he knows there's no shit in there. Dominic said that Bobby may have changed his diaper before they got there. Beet said he doesn't wear a diaper. Dominic told him to sing ''I'm a big boy now!''
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were playing some Leon Spinks audio clips where he was unintelligible and asked Beet to respond to that. Beet actually answered the guy even though the comments were barely understandable. Beet eventually said he didn't understand the guy and asked him to speak up a bit.
Howard had a punching bag in the studio so he asked if they wanted to show what they were going to do. Dominic got up and threw some punches at the bag. He said he was going to toy with Beet at first and then give him a good shot. Howard said he let out a couple of good shots on the bag. Dominic said he's going to knock him out on Saturday.
Howard had Beet get up and show his punches. Beetlejuice went up and took a couple of punches. He was getting in some good shots too. He was winded after just a couple of shots though.
Howard said that Beet has diabetes now from what he heard. Beet said that he does so Howard asked him if he knows what to eat and what medication to take. Beet said he knows what to eat. Dominic said that he does take his meds but it's tough to keep an eye on him all the time. He sometimes just vanishes for days at a time.
Dominic said he loves Beet but he does have to discipline him on Saturday. Beetlejuice said that he's going to knock Dominic out. Howard gave them some plugs and said that they'll be in Broomhall, PA at the Marple Sports Arena. You can also catch them on GoFightLive.tv.
Howard said that Beet was crying but Beet said it was just water and it didn't mean anything. Howard gave them some more plugs for upcoming appearances. You can find out more at JollyDwarf.com. Beetlejuice is also making some comedy show appearances with Rev. Bob Levy soon in Pittsburgh and Harrisburg on November 21st and 22nd. Visit RevBobLevy.com for more.
Howard wished them luck at the fight. Richie Wilson said it smells like someone may have shit in their pants this morning.
Howard asked Beet if he shit in his pants. Beet said there was nothing. Richie checked and said that he was wearing something down there and he smelled like feet and ass mixed. Artie said that maybe Dominic rubbed his feet and ass in his pants. That led to Beet going off on Artie about being drunk out in Vegas. Will said the smell was awful over there too.
The guys were all piling on Beet getting him all worked up. Howard told Beet to save it for the ring. Artie said he's going to bet on Dominic. Howard told Beet he had Mike Tyson on the phone to wish him luck. High Pitch Eric was on the phone and Beet knew who it was. He wasn't going to fall for that and told him to ''get out of here you fat fuck.''
Howard told the guys not to get hurt at the boxing match. He asked how many rounds it was. Beet said it was 3. Dominic said it was 3 one minute rounds.
Artie asked about the bouncer who was there that claimed to have kicked him out of a club. Artie said he didn't look familiar when he came in. The guy, Mike, said it was about 2 years ago when he was at Squeeze Lounge about 2 years ago. He was in the VIP lounge and Artie looked like he was wasted. He let him stay with the girl alone but the girl came down and said that Artie was trying to stick his fingers in her. Artie said he hadn't done cocaine in 11 years so he wasn't on coke that night. Howard said that maybe it was something else. Artie said he didn't think he had ever tried to stick his fingers in any girl's ass.
Mike said that he went up to Artie and told him he couldn't do that. The girl asked him to keep an eye on him. Then Artie had his fingers out trying to find the hole on the girl. Mike told him he had to stop but Artie ran out before he could even kick him out. Artie said he would never run out on a situation like that.
Howard said that Artie has to be careful with those girls so he may have been checking to see if she had drugs in her ass. Artie said that maybe he was checking to see if she was a Columbian drug mule. Howard gave the guys some plugs and wrapped up with Beet and Dominic.
Howard said that was an interesting story about Artie in there too. Artie said he was just looking for the hole apparently. Artie said that Howard knows that these strippers are just god damned liars. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said they had to get to their news block. He said that the guy who owns the San Diego Padres is going through a divorce and he may have to let go of some of the players to pay for it. He said they imply that he needs money for it and they may have to trade some players away.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. Steve said Artie sold about 1000 books in one sitting yesterday. He also talked about Artie's Conan appearance and also his NPR interview that he did yesterday. Steve said that Artie revealed that he hates working and he gets bored to tears even working there. He said that he just wants to go back to doing heroin.
Howard said that sounds like a revealing interview. He said that no one likes working. Artie missed what Steve just said so Howard had to recap it for him. Artie said that he wished that was different but he had to tell that chick something. He said that he was just being honest. He said he's always hated working, even there.
Howard heard that a bird shit on Steve when he was on his way over to the book signing. Steve said that something was on his jacket, yes.
Steve said that Jim Florentine was there at SIRIUS doing some shows but he didn't stop by to do the stern Show. Steve said he ambushed Jim there at SIRIUS and Jim declined to answer his questions. He said that his upcoming gigs promote him as being on the Stern show though. Howard asked if anyone wanted to comment. Artie said that he thinks Jim has lost his humor. He said he thinks that he's hilarious but others may not believe that anymore. Robin remained silent.
Howard said ''Hello?'' to Robin but she didn't say a word. Artie said he can't imagine she'd keep him away from the show. Fred played some crickets chirping. Robin said she didn't know what was going on, she was reading.
Artie said he doesn't know what's going on but he doesn't think Robin would do that. Howard said he had no idea either. Howard was staying quiet and Steve just watched Robin until she said something. Steve finally asked her if she had anything to do with Jim not being on the show. Robin didn't say a word. Robin said ''What? Did someone say something?'' like she didn't hear what he said. Steve waited patiently for a response but Robin wasn't going to give one.
Howard had Steve move on since nothing was happening. Steve wrapped up his news preview a short time later. He mentioned the new channel line up on SIRIUS and XM. Howard said he doesn't think that the new company name is working because no one knows what to call it. Robin said that they still have two separate services so it is kind of hard to figure it out.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things they were going to try and cover today.
Howard talked about doing Rolling Stone magazine and how he hated the one picture they did where Ralph dressed him up like Little Lord Fontleroy. He said that he did like the last cover he did though.
Robin read a story about a woman in Tulsa, Oklahoma who was shot to death last weekend when she got into an argument with the leader of a KKK group. She was trying to get out of joining the group. That led to Howard showing Robin a cartoon of a thwarted kidnap attempt of Barack Obama and it was a box with a stick and a watermelon under it. Howard said there are a lot of racist jokes out there.
Robin read a story about a teacher's aide that got into trouble for a comment they made about Barack Obama. Howard said that the stupid thing is that the guy thinks that no one is going to tell on him. Artie said that most TV talk shows don't even come near talking about how the guy is black.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Artie's appearance on Conan. Howard said they'll listen to those clips tomorrow morning. The caller said that Artie was on last night and took second billing to Seth Green. Howard asked what he's even on now. The caller said he's on some cable show. Artie said it's ''Robot Chicken.'' The guy said that Artie could have called Conan out on that at the end of the interview but he didn't take his shot.
Howard said he gets the point and cut the guy off as he was telling Artie what he should have done. Howard said that Artie should get billing over Seth Green. Artie said that he can't do that, he's out promoting a book and he has to get on. Howard said that his agent should be doing this stuff for him and demanding that he get on ahead of Seth Green. Artie said that Seth is a pretty popular guy and he can see why he's ahead of him on the show business ladder. Robin said that he probably has agents pushing him up that high on the ladder though. Howard said that Artie doesn't want to be on at 1 in the morning and he should be on earlier.
Robin got back to her news and read more about the teacher's aide that got into trouble for his comments about Obama.
Howard said that Artie is probably making more money than Seth Green is. Artie said that there are people out there who have to open for him that were huge. Artie said that Margaret Cho is a good example of someone who doesn't do as well as he does but they get great publicity. They went through a few names before they had to take another break.
After the break, around 10:15, Howard came right back and asked Robin get back to her news. Howard said he wanted to end the show. Robin was missing from her booth. She had to come running back in. Robin said that there was some arguing out in the hall about who should be booked before Artie.
Robin said that Jennifer Aniston is speaking out about some comments that were made about her by Angelina Jolie. Artie said he thought Jennifer Aniston was sexier than Angelina but he thinks that Angelina can probably suck the chrome off a bumper so that's what got Brad Pitt.
Fred was throwing in the Gary clip of him saying ''Ree-Sees'' that they pulled earlier. He played it over and over again during Robin's news.
Robin read through some more stories about things like the final four in Dancing with the Stars, President Bush talking about the last 8 years, the failing economy and more. She talked about the auto industry failing too.
Robin read some news about Sarah Palin and John McCain. Fred threw in Gary's Mac-Hine clip whenever they'd say McCain.
Robin read a story about Tony Dow from Leave it to Beaver being an artist. He's going to have one of his sculptures at the Louvre for a while. Artie said he thought Robin was going to say the guy was dead. That led to the guys goofing on some of the other cast members from the show. They talked about how the kid who played Eddie Haskell is a cop out in L.A. now. Howard said they spoke to him on the show one time about that.
Artie talked about the parade that was going on in the city yesterday and how he had to run home before doing Conan. He had to take the ferry home because of the traffic. Robin said that the parade wasn't very well attended. Artie said that's true, there was hardly anyone watching.
Robin read a story about Bruce Springsteen working on a new song to be played during a football game. She had a little bit of ''Working on a Dream'' that she had Howard play. Artie said that he's getting close to American Idol and that's scary. Robin said she's not sure how long he can stay away from it.
Robin said that Lindsay Lohan claims that she's not a lesbian but she is bi-sexual and she is in love with a woman right now. They ended the show a short time later, around 10:40am.
Teddy thought he said it that way too but then he said it correctly. He wasn't even sure if he was saying it right or wrong.
Scott came in and said it doesn't matter how you're supposed to say it. He said that he says it ''Ree-cees'' and it doesn't come with the correct pronunciation. He said that Gary was the one who repeated it so he's the idiot. Gary said he thought it was a play on the word or something.
Gary said that he knows how to pronounce it and he's never mispronounced it in the past. That led to them talking about Howard saying some things wrong too. Gary said Howard pronounced Tucson wrong for a while.
Benjy asked how they pronounce ''Nike.'' The guys said that they say it ''Nik-E'' while others just say it with out the E.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if he started there as an intern and if that's when the goofed on him. Gary said it was when they got to K-Rock that the ball busting really started. He said that he gets mad when they goof on him about things that he's really not guilty of.
The caller asked if he sits there with a grin on his face or if he just wants to get it over with. Gary said he'd prefer they just get it over with. Scott said he puts the camera on him so Howard can see him and goof on him even more. Gary said at K-Rock they would only see his camera if he pushed the button himself. Now Scott has full control over it. Scott said he likes it that way.
Another caller said that they call the Reese's things ''Ree-cees cups'' in Jersey. Gary didn't want him agreeing with him because he doesn't think that's the right way to say it.
A woman called in and said that they say ''Ree-cees'' on the TV commercials. Gary said that he's still saying that's not the way he says it even if that's the way they say it in the commercials. The woman said that the Baba Booey song parodies really make her laugh and Gary has to agree with that.
Another caller said that they're all mispronouncing the name of a product they advertise. She said that they say Dram-Booey but it's actually ''Dram-bue-ie.'' Gary said that they have it spelled out phonetically on the copy they read and they want them saying ''booey.'' She said that she's Irish so she knows the right way to say it.
Mark the Patent Attorney called in and told them what the correct pronunciation was because he lives hear Hershey were they make that stuff. He said that it's the Reese family so the right pronunciation is ''Reese's'' and not ''Ree-Sees.''
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Howard had a problem saying Chipoltle. That led to Teddy arguing with the guy saying that he was saying it wrong too.
Scott said that Obama has come out and already said what went on in the meeting with Bush and that was wrong. Scott said that there were only two people in the meeting and the leak had to come from someone and it had to be Obama. Gary said it probably wasn't just two people in the meeting. Scott insisted that it was.
Scott said that people think that Obama is going to be a super hero that saves this country and that's just not going to happen. Gary said that he could be, they haven't seen what he's going to do yet. Scott said that he could be that super hero too if that's what he believes.
Scott said that he hopes Obama makes the wrong moves and shows how bad the country's choice was. Gary said he doesn't understand that. He wondered why he would want him to fail and have this country not recover. Scott said that it just can't happen with him in office. Will said that Scott looks at the election like a football game and he's rooting for one team.
Scott and Gary were going back and forth about Bush and what he's done. They were going on and on about the whole thing and Scott said that he's going to treat Obama like they've treated Bush for the past 8 years.
Gary said he didn't think that Scott was very well thought out. He said he had to get off of this subject though. Jon told both of them to stop.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he can't imagine someone wanting the President to fail. Scott said he doesn't want him to fail. He and the caller went back and forth for a couple of minutes about that.
Gary said that Scott does want to see the guy fail before he's even started. Scott said that he would want nothing but the best for this country. He said that at the same point he doesn't think that it can happen. He said it just doesn't make sense to him.
Jon tried to make the arguing end because they were all talking over each other. Gary said that Scott is only for one team and that's a weird way to think if you're a citizen of this country. They argued a little bit more but eventually moved on to other stuff.
Gary said that Jon said to him that he found that to be the most awkward moment on the show that they've ever had since he got there. Jon said it was very uncomfortable especially the way Langford was waiting for an answer.
Gary said that it was funny how Fred found the Jeopardy music to play like four times while they waited for her to answer.
Benjy said he found it stranger for her not to answer than for her just to say that Jim was okay to come on the show anytime.
Ralph called in and asked the guys why they insist on arguing with Scott when they know he's not going to give in. Jon said that Gary hit it on the head when he said that he can't believe that someone in this country wants their President to fail.
That all got them into more political discussions. Scott was gone but the guys went on and on about Obama and what Scott had been saying just a little earlier.
Jon had to call an end to the whole argument again. He asked Ralph if he heard the Langford thing. Ralph said he was on the phone and missed it. Gary explained it to him and told him about how Robin didn't answer Steve when she was asked about Jim not doing the show. Robin never acknowledged it at all, she just remained silent.
Ralph said if it was Howard that kept him off then he should have manned up and admitted it. He said that maybe Howard kept him off and Robin asked him to.
Shuli said he tried to get a comment from Robin at the end of the show and she had pure venom toward him. He said that he was goofing around with her and she got mad at him. He said he tried to ask the question but she kept yelling at him. He said they'll have some of that at Noon on Howard 100 News. Ralph said that Robin obviously put the kibosh on the whole thing.
Jon let Ralph go and said that there's a lot going on there with that whole thing. Gary said that this is just their opinion on what happened on the show so he didn't want anyone who might be listening (Robin) possibly getting upset.
Gary said that he feels bad for Will because it started out as a joke but it turned into something bigger. He said that Will wasn't looking to fight with Fred. Will said he thinks they're good now. He said Fred told him that they were good.
Will said that Howard got bored with it after 5 minutes so he figured it was boring. Gary said that he thought that Howard got bored with it too quick because it was just starting to get good around then.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he liked what Riley was saying about that Preacher today. The guy repeated some of what Riley was saying and said he applauds him for that.
Jon asked Gary if he thought Riley made more sense than Manning did. Gary said he kind of tuned out around then. Benjy said he agreed with some of it but he was so offended by some of what Pastor Manning was saying. He said that he didn't get why Obama was trash if he thought that his mother was a whore. He didn't get that at all.
Another caller said that he agreed with Pastor Manning completely. Benjy asked why Obama is a bad person if that's the way people look at him. Gary had to cut that guy off too because he thought he was just another one of those Republican callers that wasn't going to let him get in a word about it.
Gary said that you have to have hope that this President is going to do well. He knows that people like DePace are going to be saying he's doing horrible just 3 days after he gets into the White House.
Another caller asked why they put up with this Eric the Midget. He said that it's enough already. The guy said there's nothing to it anymore. Gary told the guy that he's in the minority and people who are e-mailing are loving it. He said people are still interested in Eric.
The caller said that he thinks that the whore isn't mad at Natalie at all and they're just embarrassed they had to fuck Eric.
Jon asked Gary about the picture of Eric that they were talking about. Gary said he just didn't want to deal with that whole thing with Eric. Gary said Howard isn't that thrilled with people who make money off his name and he didn't want to get into it with Eric. They had to break a short time later.
Jon said that they were saying that Beet took him in another fight one time. Gary said that this is a real fight though, not something in the back of a limo.
Gary said he didn't smell shit with Beet but he did smell that musty smell. Benjy asked if maybe it really was Dominic who was shitting in Beet's pants. Gary assured him it wasn't.
Benjy said that it looked like they can really punch hard and he's wondering if they could hurt someone with those punches. Gary said he should have found out when they were still there.
Jon asked about the story at the end with Artie putting the finger up the girl's ass and stuff. They talked about that bouncer guy and that story he told. Gary said he couldn't figure that out.
Jon asked JD who he likes in the fight, Beet or Dominic. JD said it was funny to see them throwing punches this morning. He said that it was funny when they were hanging out in the hallway too.
Jon went to the phones again and this guy brought up Eric the Midget. He was going off on him like the previous caller who hated him. The guy said that Howard has to stop with his calls. The guy said that Eric can't be for real about the whole Natalie Maines thing.
JD said that he thinks Eric loves wrestling so much that he finds an angle to get on the show so he can be the villain on the show. He said that's what he thinks the whole thing is about when he calls in.
Jon though that the caller was going to ask if Howard really loves Eric the Midget. Jon thinks that Howard does like him and that's why he keeps having him on.
JD said that everything about him has to do with Jared. Gary said that's not true, they haven't said anything about Jared this week. JD said that everyone asks where Jared is and they just can't leave it alone.
Jon asked when Gary learned that Artie was running late this morning. Gary said that Artie called him this morning and he had one of those phones that cuts out when he stops talking. He said he thought that it was someone goofing on him with audio drops. He had to ask him to say something that would convince him it was really him. Artie then said ''what the fuck are you talkin' about?'' and that did it.
Jon took some more calls and one guy asked JD if he fears ''The Mambo Man'' (Ronnie). JD said he's not afraid of him and he loves the guy. He said that he does fuck with him sometimes and Ronnie gets a little physical. He said that it's not on a regular basis though. He doesn't feel that he's going to flip on him and kick his ass or anything.
The guys wondered who JD could take in a fight. Gary went through some names and mentioned Jason. JD said that Jason pushed him one day and he wasn't able to move. He said he hasn't been in a fist fight since grade school.
Jon asked who would win in a fight between JD and High Pitch Mike. The guys thought that JD might be able to take him. JD said he's not sure. He said that he once charged at Mike jokingly and he did back off. He said he could kill him in a dance off.
They threw out a few more names like Lisa G and Jon said he'd have to think about that one for a minute. JD said that he could take Lisa G. Jon said that Robin did beat him in arm wrestling though. JD said he knows that but he did beat that intern girl that day. JD said that Robin was a ringer in high school for arm wrestling.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he heard a plug for Ronnie where they said that he's doing an appearance at a church with Rick's Cabaret strippers. Jon said that they're doing a benefit for a police officer and it is with some girls from Ricks and it is at a church. Gary sounded shocked by that. He said he hopes that Howard TV is going to cover that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he doesn't get what was up with Jim Florentine. He asked if they kept him off the show and if it was Robin or Howard who kept him off. Gary said he didn't have an answer for that. The caller didn't understand that.
Benjy said that Jim Florentine is out doing a publicity thing and Jim didn't come on the show. Gary said they never said they weren't having him on, Steve was saying that he just wasn't on the show. Jon said that he wanted to explain what he knew. He said that Robin clearly doesn't want to talk about it and she's the one who knows whether or not that happened.
The caller said that Gary knows what happened. Gary said he's not in a position to comment on it because it affects more people than him. He said that he just can't answer. The caller said that means to the fans that Florentine isn't allowed to be on the show. Gary said that's not what they're saying at all. The caller thought that's exactly what it was.
Jon moved on and took a call from a guy who asked JD how his ''nutty'' mom is doing. JD said that she's doing fine and she's not nutty. The caller was asking if he could send in a book to get it signed. Gary said that they can't do that.
Jon asked JD about the book signing yesterday and how that was. JD said that everyone wanted him and Mike Gange to sign their books and stuff. He said that they get approached a lot at events like that.
Gary said he heard that Lisa G was getting autograph requests and she wasn't responding to them. JD said he doesn't know what was going on with that.
JD said he doesn't like signing stuff for people because he doesn't feel that important. He said he's not sure about Lisa G though.
Benjy said he feels great when people ask for it but then they ask for him to sign Howard's book that came out 10 years before he was there. Benjy said he feels silly signing something like that. He loves that they ask him to do it though. Benjy said he has fun doing that stuff and getting to see Artie achieve something like that.
Jon asked JD about what went on with Jared there. JD said he didn't see Jared signing anything but people were recognizing him there and talking to him. Jon asked Benjy if he noticed the Lisa G thing at the book signing. He said he didn't notice anything.
Jon asked JD why Haydn Porter was getting on him this morning. JD said he thinks that she was trying to get some air time. He said that he didn't know what the amends were about that she wanted to make up in Toronto. He said that he didn't remember her calling him names but she apparently did.
JD said that Haydn did e-mail him since the show and he thinks that things are okay now. He said that it was nice to have Howard and Robin rushing to his defense today.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they heard anything about Dominic Barbara and his wife. Gary said that they haven't really heard anything since they tried to get him on the air. That was the last conversation they had with Dominic. Gary said that he's asked him to come on the air a few times.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he had a whole perspective on the Reese's and Drambouie thing. He said that it's a dialect thing for some people and they say it differently around the country. JD was saying that he says Reese's differently when he says just Reese's or ''Ree-cees cups.'' The caller told JD he has to pick a side because they're just one brand and not two different names.
Another caller said that he gave JD something to sign from the last day at K-Rock and JD gave him a hard time about having Double A's autograph on it. JD said something about him being desperate to have gotten that one first.
JD said that Double A has really let himself go and he said he was mistaken for Artie because he's gotten so big. Gary said he thought he was Tony Clifton when he saw him last time. JD said that Double A was looking kind of greasy yesterday. The caller said that Lisa G did sign her placard but then she ran off saying she had to go to some appointment she had.
Jon took another call from someone who asked who they should petition to get JD his own show. Gary told him to contact Tim Sabean. JD said that he had an announcement to make. He said he's apparently doing a show at Artie's book signing in L.A. on Friday night so he'll be on at 1am Eastern time. He'll be hosting the show from out there while Artie is doing his book signing.
Jon took one last call from a guy who said he feels like Will made up that situation to get on the air and it usually goes nowhere when he does stuff like that. The guy said that happens all the time when he gets on to talk about stuff. The guy told them that they need to keep Will off the air. Jon had to cut him off since the end of the show was coming. He said that he has to disagree with him about Will though. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started off the show talking about his opening theme song and how the lyrics probably mean nothing. He then talked about the Jets game that was coming up tonight. He didn't have anyone's mic's up so he wasn't getting a response. He figured he was going to do the show all alone this morning.
Artie said that he Jets look good right now. They have as good a chance of winning as anyone. Robin was talking about them too and sounded like she knew something. She joked that she went off and studied.
Howard said Artie was in the paper today. He said that he did a thing for the Daily News and it was very positive. He said that for anyone else it would be disaster but not for him.
Artie said he was supposed to do an interview with a guy by the name of Sean but his assistant did the interview instead. He said that she turned out to be really cute. He said she was very flirty too.
Artie said that they call him ''The Artie'' in the article and they talk about how Artie writes about beating off to Christina Applegate in his book, ''Too Fat To Fish.'' Howard said that would be a disaster in anyone else's life.
Howard said they just canceled MAD TV the other day. Artie said they were on for 14 years and that's pretty rare to be on and still in syndication. Artie said that show got him there indirectly.
Howard said they also talk about him writing the foreword to Artie's book. Howard read about some of the other stuff they mention in the article and how Artie was messed up so bad one time that he actually placed two bets on a game so he was betting against himself. He ended up losing money on the game because of that. Artie said that would happen when he was drunk and it happened more than once. He said he'd go out to drink when he was a longshoreman and that's what would happen. His bookie would tell him that he just can't gamble when he drinks.
Howard said he saw that Spiegel and Grau was the publisher and he had no idea who that was. Artie said that it's part of Random House. Howard said that he could have demanded to be under Random House if he wanted to.
Artie said that the people there at Spiegel and Grau are great. As Artie was talking about them Fred said that he saw Judy Spiegel's nipples speaking to him from across the room. He said that she may have been ready to lactate or something because she did have a kid on her arm at the time.
Artie said that they published the book ''The Kite Runner'' at one point. They knew that book and talked about that for a short time. Artie said that became a huge seller so that's how they got noticed at Random House. Howard said that he'd like to get to know her nipples.
Artie said that Spiegel is a huge fan of the show. Howard talked about Judith Reagan and how she once poked him with a pencil. He asked Artie if Judy did anything like that to him. Artie said that didn't happen.
Howard said he had a few people coming in today and they were going to be very busy. They have a whole boxing thing going on so Bob Levy and John Wayne Bobbit will be in with some other people as well.
Howard talked about Lizzie Kaplan getting naked on True Blood and he was reading about how she's come to enjoy getting naked on the show. He said he loves hearing that because she should be naked with a body like that. He said that she's a real actress too and that makes it even hotter. He said he still gets excited when someone like that gets naked. He said he feels like a kid but he realizes sometimes that he's 54 years old and he's acting like a kid.
Howard said they're still counting the votes in Minnesota for the Al Franken thing. He said that Franken keeps finding more votes so people think he fixed it somehow. Howard said he loves Al and he knows he's having a tough time right now.
Howard said that the vote was so close that they were down to 239 votes of a difference by the time they did a recount yesterday. Howard said they should hire some company like Apple to figure out how to make voting easier than it is. He said it shouldn't be a sack of paper in 2008. He said there has to be a better way.
Howard said he didn't get many details about what they talked about last night. Robin said that stuff wasn't for him to hear. Howard said Beth did say she had a nice time with Robin. She really seemed to like the vegan restaurant too even though he gave Robin a hard time about that yesterday.
Howard said he was cold this morning so he had to wear a vest. He said the heat doesn't really get into his office and he thinks that it's the building that's not putting the heat on over night. He said that's weird because they have people working overnight.
Howard talked about some of Jimi's albums and one sone in particular. Fred knew what he was talking about, ''I Don't Live Today,'' so he found that in his computer and played it. Howard said that the drumming in the song was Mitch Mitchell as far as he knew. Howard told everyone to stick with the drummer in the song. Howard said that's the kind of song you just listen to in your bedroom while doing homework. Artie asked him how he could do homework with music like that playing. Howard said he didn't do that much, he just tells his kids that he did.
Richard came in and talked about how great he was as a drummer. He said they kind of incorporated jazz into rock and roll and he was one of the first guys to do that. That led to them talking about John Bonham as well. Howard had Fred play some of his stuff so they could hear how great a drummer he was.
Fred played Led Zeppelin's ''Rock N Roll'' in a studio version and a live version to demonstrate Bonham's drumming abilities. Howard had Fred try to find a live version of Kashmir. Fred tried to find that so he just played some of the studio version.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they need to play ''Manic Depression'' because Mitch Mitchell was great on that. Fred quickly found that and played it. They talked about how tight that sounded. The caller wondered if Mitch Mitchell was the guy's real name. Howard said it probably wasn't. He said people have to be a little nutty to name their kid Mitchell Mitchell. Richard said that he would be Chris Christy if his parents did that.
Howard asked where these guys were when he was alone in his bedroom listening to this stuff. Richard said he was still a load in his dad's balls.
Howard said that Mitch was just 62 years old. He said they probably didn't take very good care of themselves. He said that Noel Reading looked much older than he actually was when he'd have him on the show. Richard said he doesn't know how they played so good being on drugs. He said he can't play very well when he's drunk.
Artie said that some people think it was bullshit and they weren't actually as high as they claim they were back then. Howard said he might believe that.
Richard said the fired off like 6 cannons at the concert. He said he was kind of scared when they did that because he was afraid someone might have put a cannonball in there. Artie said that his first concert was an AC/DC concert. He said he was just 13 years old and they were amazing.
Howard said Rolling Stone never put them on the cover of the magazine until just 2 weeks ago. He said they did admit that they were wrong for not doing it earlier.
Richard said that the guys in the band don't even all come to the front of the stage but they're so solid that it's amazing. He said that Angus was in his school boy outfit and it was looking odd when he'd take his hat off. He said he must burn 5,000 calories in a show because of the way he runs around. Howard said that band would be fun to be in. Fred agreed with him on that.
Howard asked what Led Zeppelin decided to do about touring. Robin said she thinks that they put it on hold or they're still looking for a replacement lead singer. Richard said he heard that the lead singer of Creed jammed with them.
Howard said he had Gary call Led Zeppelin's management to tell them about Pat Monahan from Train. He said they told Gary that no one was going out on tour without Robert Plant and they didn't want to hear it at all. Gary said the guy didn't want him to say anything but then claimed he had already heard it. He said the manager told him that they weren't going to call it Led Zeppelin if they do go out on tour. They're not looking to replace Robert Plant at all.
Fred was playing ''For Those About To Rock'' and threw in Gary's ''Ree-Sees'' clip that they pulled yesterday. He played it right before they'd sing the ''Fi-AHHHH'' part of the song.
Robin brought up David Spade for some list he had put together and Howard ended up talking about the time that Spade wrote about him for Time magazine and he got upset with him for not gushing enough. Howard said he went back and read that article and he thinks he was really wrong for going off on Spade about that because it really was very nice. He said he has to learn to take a breath and swallow before he reacts to stuff now.
Howard said he has to count to 500 days before reacting now. Howard said Spade was really nice and he got so upset with him when he goofed on him about the article.
Howard said he didn't have Artie's Conan appearance at home. He said he's not sure why his computer didn't have audio on it and he didn't want to reboot it to figure it out so he never watched it.
Howard played Artie's Letterman appearance from last week first. Artie talked about how he doesn't want things to change with this Obama in office. He said he's got it made at his job now so he doesn't need change. He goofed on Ashton Kutcher after that saying that if things were fair, he'd be the most annoying waiter in history at Planet Hollywood.
Artie told Howard that he should have seen Natalie Portman's interview. Howard said he wasn't able to get through 30 seconds of that interview. He said she looks like a little kid sometimes and she's a little too short for him. Howard said she kind of sat there like a queen and didn't really say much. Howard said they should play her appearance instead of Artie's.
Howard talked about Natalie Portman and how she didn't have much of a response when Dave would ask her questions. Howard said he had to bail out on the interview after a couple of questions. Artie said that Dave has become really tame over the years and he puts up with that crap now.
Howard said Dave needs to ask chicks like that if they blow guys and if they shave down. Artie said that would be a great bit for them to do where they just come out of nowhere with questions like that. Howard said they need him to come out from back stage and start throwing those questions at the guests. Artie said Natalie Portman would probably burst into tears.
Howard played some of Artie's interview with Letterman where he's talking about going to Afghanistan. Artie told Dave how that went and how they were all making fat jokes about him over there. He talked about this hot model that went up on stage before him and how polite they were to her. He joked that he went out and the troops asked to see his breasts instead. Artie joked that from a distance he could look like Rosie O'Donnell.
Artie told Dave the story about going into a bunker during mortar fire and how one of the soldiers told him that he was going to be a pile of dust if they got hit by one of the mortars. He said that he would be a big pile of dust.
Howard said JD pulled the first 5 minutes of Natalie Portman's interview. He made us suffer through some of that. Dave was trying to get Natalie to talk about some stuff but she had just a couple of words for the stuff he was bringing up. Fred played Artie's snoring audio clip while Natalie was talking about living at home with her parents and how it was rough. She wasn't saying why it was rough. Howard said she was giving two word answers. Howard said he'd go right to the questions about when she first banged a guy and if she's ever tried lesbianism.
Howard said that's why he could never be a mainstream TV host. He'd get bored with interviews like that. Artie said that as a guest you don't want someone to kill before you but you also don't want them to be asleep. He said that Portman put them to sleep. He said his aunt told him that she tried to get to him but that woman before him was too much to take.
Gary came in and told Howard that John Stamos was there and he had to be out by a certain time. Howard said he's probably doing a lot of promotion for ''E.R.'' This is the last season of the show and they're supposed to be doing a bunch of extra episodes for the season because it's still doing so well. They went to break after that.
John said that Artie was looking ''great'' today so Howard wondered what he was on today. John said that he was just looking better than he was a few weeks ago. He said that Artie was a mess around the time of the Bob Saget roast so now he's looking good. John said he had a bunch of jokes about Artie that he wanted to use that day and he had to take them out of the roast.
Howard brought up the Natalie Portman interview that he was playing earlier. John said that she's really cute and he saw her out on some hike he was on. Howard said that there isn't a girl out there that he hasn't banged. He figured that even if he hasn't banged the Olsen twins yet, he will eventually. John said that would be weird. He said they're 23 years old now and they're obsessed with Howard.
John said that Mary Kate is always talking about him. Howard said he likes Ashley. He said that Mary Kate scares him with her clothes. Howard asked if they were banging Heath Ledger. John said he really doesn't know.
Howard asked what John is doing today. He said he's going to be going over to the Today Show. Howard said that he was at Matt Lauer's roast and it was kind of boring. He said that Jeff Ross is a great roaster and he was the best one there that day.
John talked about how Artie had never missed a job before this Saget roast thing. Artie said that's true, he never did miss a job before. John said that he sat next to Artie at the wedding and he saw that he was kind of trying to crawl out of there. He was trying to work on his toast and people were drinking in front of him so he must have been itching to drink.
John said he's tried to get a hold of Artie before because he really cares about him. He said he thinks he's brilliant and he thinks he's doing much better now. John said that he heard that Artie was thinking of going to the Playboy mansion. John said he hadn't been there in like 10 years. The last time he went was with Howard when he was out there. Howard said he and John went to the mansion to movie night and they were actually just watching a movie. There weren't any naked chicks watching the movie. The movie was all about Hefner too. Howard said he and John ended up going to the zoo area instead.
Howard said Hefner did come up to him after the movie and thanked him for coming. He didn't seem to care that he was there before that.
Howard asked John about Rebecca getting pregnant. He said that he's heard John say that Jerry is like Rebecca's cabana boy. John said those words never came out of his mouth. Howard said that John brought a hot chick, Leah, to his wedding. He said he really liked her. John said she's great. He said he has one picture of her in the shower at Howard's house and it's kind of cute. He said she's okay with him showing it to Howard too.
John said that it was weird to go out to their house the day after the wedding. Howard said they weren't going on a honeymoon or anything so it was no big deal.
John talked about the picture in the paper that Howard as complaining about recently. He didn't think it was as bad as Howard was making it out to be. Howard said if he ever sees that picture again he may kill himself. He said it was the worst picture. John said that chicks around Howard are always attracted to him when they're in his presence. He said that Leah was like that.
Howard said when you hang around John you feel like you live on the planet of monsters and John is the only one who isn't a monster. Fred said that someone pushed by him so she could get to John at the wedding. He said he knows exactly what Howard is talking about. He didn't want to name names but Howard told him to just say who it was. Fred wanted them to guess. It turned out to be Doug Goodstein's wife Marlo.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that his wife was talking about that aura that John has about him. He said that she was telling him how cute he was. He asked John for Leah's number before Howard booted him out of the studio.
John said that he was at a fun table with Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. They spent a little time talking about them getting back together and getting kind of physical at the wedding. Howard said Jimmy was almost fingering her asshole at the wedding. John said that Sarah went out and smoked pot with everyone but she protected everyone to make sure they didn't get into trouble.
Howard said that Hollywood execs get upset when they hear that stuff so that's why he told her she can't tell people who she was smoking with.
John said that he and Howard were at Mr. Chow's one time and smoked. Howard said his daughter asked him about that and he told her that he only smoked once. He said he told her that it was with John Stamos that one time. Howard said he was just trying to fit in with the young kids. John said he hates it. Howard said he told his daughter he thinks the stuff is horrible and it was the worst thing to do.
John said he had Chevy Chase at his table too. He said that Adam Carolla asked Natalie Maines why Stamos was at the ''funny table'' so he went up and asked why he was at the talented table.
Howard said some women will come up to him and tell him that they're not attracted to John. Then they'll see him play the drums at the wedding and they come back up to him and say ''Now I get it.'' He said when they see the talent the guy has then they get it and it's game over.
Howard said John kind of downplays the drumming. John said he really loves playing the drums. He said he was talking to Natalie Maines and asked her to go up and play something. He knew that she was going to be doing the Landslide thing. He said the drummer that was there told him that he should stay the fuck out of that whole thing.
Howard asked John about Leah and if he's still with her. John said he's kind of settled down with her. He said she's like Beth and very nice. John said he's 45 now and he has to have kids at some point. Howard told him to just enjoy life and not bother with that.
Howard had the guys pull out a song that John sang. He played about 3 seconds of it before he cut it off. It was a cover of a Billy Joel song that John had done for some album.
Howard talked about John giving some stuff to Robin's charity that was really nice. John said that he offered to do it and they did the one and then asked if he'd do a second one. John said he never heard from Robin until after the second time they asked him to do it. Howard said he knows that John was more upset about it than he's letting on now. Robin said she knows that because he brought it up with her when he saw her in person. John asked Robin about the guy who she's dating now. Robin said that guy isn't as young as the crew he's with.
Howard said John produced a show that he's going to be in so he had to promote that. John said that he followed this story in the paper and ended up optioning it himself. He said he's producing it and stars in it as well. He said that it's about two brothers who end up dead after having some success. He said that one of the guys was killed by his wife after she gave him a ruffie in his milk shake. John said the guy he plays ends up getting caught doing mortgage fraud and he had himself killed. He said he thinks the guy had his chauffeur kill him.
John said that people know the ending of the story and the story they don't know is how they got there. The show is called ''The Two Mr. Kissels.'' Howard gave him a plug for that and said that it's on Saturday night on Lifetime TV.
Howard said John is doing really good on E.R. but he turned down a spin-off. John said they never really came up with any ideas for it so they just dropped it. John said that they're ending ''E.R.'' this season and he's already done shooting. He said he'd keep doing it if they wanted to keep it on the air. He figured they wanted to end it on a high note.
John said he's going to be doing some Broadway show this spring so Howard wasn't looking forward to that. He said he hates all Broadway plays. He went to see Mary McCormack's show and he had to leave half way through it.
Howard talked about how John is friendly with Don Rickles and guys like that. John said he loves those old show biz guys like Jack Klugman and Gary Marshall. That led to Howard talking about the show ''Quincy'' and how they were talking about that the other day. He said that the guy had no credibility at all on the show but he'd always solve stuff that no one else could solve. John said that Klugman is a great guy and Howard would love him.
John said that he has a friend who told him about Gary licking his lips and why he does that. Gary said the guy told him that he has dry mouth so he asked what he can do about that. The guy had no idea.
Howard said he read a story about a woman on a flight who sat in John's seat when he got up to go to the bathroom. When he came back the woman started slapping him around. Howard said he heard that it was Rebecca. John laughed when he heard that.
Howard read that John had dated some Victoria's Secret model. John said that was just a transitional thing and she's with Bruce Willis now. Howard asked John what it's like to bang models like that. John said he learned his lesson about that and said that you just don't marry them. John said he's dating people who aren't in the business. He said Leah works for an advertising firm so she's not in the business.
John asked why Ralph isn't calling in. He said he thought Ralph wanted to be part of this interview. Howard said he's probably sleeping.
Irish John called in and told Howard he's sounding like a fag this morning talking about John the way he was. He told John that he sounded kind of gay too wondering where Ralph was.
Eric the Midget called in and John said he wanted to talk to him. John said he was excited when he came into the studio. He also said that it sounded kind of sad with the guys beating up on him. Howard said they weren't beating up on him. John thought it was more sad in there. Howard said that they all wanted to hang themselves during that interview.
John said that Eric was going to write him into his Charlie's Angels thing. Eric said he hasn't been working on that. Eric asked about the E.R. thing and asked if he could appear on the show if he could. John said they do have a few more to shoot. Howard said that Eric could play an aborted fetus or something like that. John asked Eric what he would like to play on there. Howard had some suggestions like being a parasitic twin or something like that.
Eric said that he would like to play a patient in the E.R. Artie told him that was a no and said goodbye to him. Artie said Eric is mean to them so they don't have any reason to be nice to him.
John said that he's had a thing with little people in his life. He said that he finds them around him all the time and he's not sure why. He said that Rebecca was like Kryptonite to them and they would stay away from him. Now that she's not around he attracts little people. Robin said that's right because they had a little person come up to them out on the street one day. Howard said that the Olsen twins are pretty small.
John said that he got a midget porn from someone and it had Bridget the Midget in it. He said that he did watch that porn where she played twins in it.
John said he'd ask about getting Eric on an episode. Eric thanked him for that. Artie said that he and Benjy would like to be on the show too but they're not asking.
John asked if they're going to make that Real Doll of Eric. Howard said they are planning on doing that. Eric isn't okay with that. Artie said that it should be okay if John fucks it. Eric said he doesn't want any guys doing that. John said he might make the doll up like a woman. Artie said they're going to put a penis and a vagina on the doll.
Howard did his impression of Eric as the doll and goofed on him a little bit about that. John told Eric he promises he won't fuck him. Eric thanked him for that. Howard had to wrap up with them after that. Howard gave John some plugs and then ended the interview and went to break.
Howard came back and said they had John Wayne Bobbit and Rev. Bob Levy there to talk about their upcoming fight this weekend. They came in a short time later. Howard said that they haven't seen John since he got his penis cut off.
Howard said that Bob seems to think that he can fight but he obviously can't after seeing him lose to Danny Bonaduce. Bob said he's gotten much better since then and he can fight.
Howard asked Will to come in and fix John's microphone but Will didn't know what he wanted. Bob said that Will is looking really skinny.
Howard asked what the beef is between Bob and John. Bob said that there is no beef, it's just a boxing match. He said that he's going to beat John and he's very confident of that. Howard said that Bob got knocked out by Danny in the second round.
Robin said that she heard that Bob was blaming the ring for beating him up. He was all beaten up by the rope and the canvas. Howard told Bob he thinks he's making another mistake with this. Bob said that he's ready this time and his trainer agrees with him on that.
Howard said John Wayne Bobbit is the guy who had his penis chopped off by his wife. He's been married two more times since then. Bob said ''And I thought I was stupid (for getting married 3 times).''
Howard asked John about some other stuff he's gotten into trouble with over the years. John said in 2002 he got arrested because his wife accused him of domestic violence. Howard asked him if he's beating them up or are they all just crazy. John said that they're all crazy. He said his family would tell everyone that he's not a violent guy. But Howard said that his third wife even accused him of beating her. John said they do that in a threatening way so they can control the situation.
Howard said John was going to fight Joey Buttafuoco and his wife was against it so he ended up in jail. John said he was on probation for something else at the time and it ended up being a multiple indictment. He said he was receiving stolen clothes and they said it was $140,000 worth of clothes but he was barely involved in that.
Howard said John was involved in all of that and then got into some other trouble with some women. John told Howard he should know what he's talking about. Howard said he didn't know.
Howard said he wanted to get this straight. He asked about the second wife claiming he beat her but that didn't have anything to do with the probation thing. John said he kind of went to jail because of that. He said it was really complicated. Robin asked him if he has any idea what's going on in his life.
Howard said John spent 15 months in prison in 1999. John said that he got jumped in prison and had a really violent guy who attacked him while he was playing cards with some guys. He said about 5 Mexican's jumped him in there too. He asked to be in general population there in prison so he kind of exposed himself to all of that.
Howard asked John about his penis and if that's still working. John said it's working just fine these days but it does still have a scar on it.
Howard said that John lucked out that they were able to find his penis. John said he was near death too because he bled out so much. John said he heard that his ex-wife, Lorena, has a new husband and a child now too.
Howard asked how far away the penis was when they found it. John said it was 2 blocks away. He said the paramedics found it after they interviewed Lorena about it. They made her tell them where it was and they were lucky they found it. Howard said he's lucky that they found it and that a dog didn't eat it or something.
Howard said he'd like to know what it looked like when it bounced down the road. He asked John if he has nightmares about what would have happened if they hadn't found his cock. John said that it was a traumatic thing to go through and he didn't want to live after it happened. He said the pain was incredible and he was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Fred threw in a rooster crow about a second later.
Howard asked him if he was crying when he found out that they found his cock. John said the doctor was even more exited than he was. They were looking forward to reattaching it. John said the penis was off for about 2 hours. He said if it was off for much longer it would have been harder to put it back on.
Artie asked how the thing was cut off and if it was a clean cut. John said it was a 12 inch filet knife that she used. He said he saw her sharpening the knives the day before. John also said that she had told her friend that she was going to do that to him about 3 years before she actually did it.
Howard said it's amazing that the penis works after that trauma. John said it still works great. Howard said that John was trying to thicken it up for a while there but it ended up making it lumpy. John said it's maintained some of the width since then. Howard said he never got why he'd want to do anything to his penis after going through the whole chopping off thing.
Howard said John got beaten up on the last day he was in jail. John said the 5 guys all ran in and started to beat him up. He said that he thinks they did it just to say that they beat his ass. He said he had other guys trying to beat him up too. He said he didn't want to be in protective custody there though so he stayed in general population.
Howard read about the third wife who ended up putting John back in prison. John said he had to escape from that chick first. He said she had him locked up with her.
Howard asked John how long it's going to take him to knock out Bob. Bob said that's not going to happen. He said he's having fun doing this and this is healthy for him. He said he lost 25 pounds and he's staying healthy.
John said his trainer knows that he's good and he's saying that he should be able to beat Bob. Artie told Bob he has to find someone with less anger in them than Danny Bonaduce and a guy who had his cock chopped off.
Howard heard that Bob wants to fight Chuck Zito too. Bob said he'll go in the ring with anyone. He said he enjoys doing it so he'd fight anyone. Artie told Bob he's nuts if he goes into the ring with Chuck Zito.
Howard said he's going to have a spelling bee with Bob and John. He had the guys give them some paper and then asked them to spell some words. Howard gave them some plugs while they waited for the paper. You can watch the fight at GoFightLive.tv. You can also check out Bob's upcoming comedy gigs at RevBobLevy.com
Howard asked the guys to spell ''Ache.'' They both spelled it correctly. Howard gave them ''Knife'' and they both got it right. Howard gave them ''Rhythm'' after that. They both got it wrong. John spelled it ''RYTHEM'' and Bob spelled it ''RHYTEM.'' Howard then gave them the word ''Weird.'' They both got that one right too.
Howard gave the guys some plugs. Bob is doing Miserable Men on Sunday nights on Howard 101. Bob said they're doing 4 hours now instead of 2.
Howard said he heard some of Bob reading Artie's book and it's crazy. He said he was shocked by Bob's inability to read. Bob said by the time he left he was doing good. Artie said that the guy who produced it said that some of the books get nominated for Grammys and if they got a nomination then he and Bob would have to go.
Howard said Bob and John don't even dislike each other but they're going to be fighting on Saturday night. John asked Howard what round he wants him to knock him out in. Howard told him to do it in the second. John said he's looking to box Bonaduce so this is how he's getting there.
Howard played some of Bob reading Artie's book for the audio book. Bob said he didn't know that the guy who was going through it with him had worked with kids before. Howard played the audio and Bob was having a lot of problems with the big words in the book.
Bob said he did the read in a reasonable amount of time and he's never even heard Artie say words like he was reading in the book. Howard said Artie uses those words when he talks, he didn't know what Bob was talking about. Bob said it took him like 3 hours to do the read.
Howard asked Bob if he would do a live reading of Artie's book. Bob said he would do that. Artie thought that was great and he wanted him to come out to do it in L.A. Bob can't do it this weekend but Bob said he would do it at another appearance. He said it would just be him in the background reading the book.
Howard asked Bob to go to the heavy bag they had in there and show off what they can do. Bob went up and threw a few punches at the bag. Howard said that John is a big guy and he used to be a Marine. Bob demonstrated his punches and Howard said ''Oh come on Bob!'' John was throwing punches like a pro according to Howard. He told Bob he's out of his mind to fight this guy.
Howard had Bob throw some more punches and said that he was looking better now. He thought he was winded in about 5 seconds but he did say he was looking much better. Bob was out of breath but he claimed he was fine. Howard said he heard he fell off the wagon. Bob said it was just one night and he blames Artie for that. Bob was trying to tell the story but he was out of breath and was having some trouble catching it.
Bob said Artie lost his passport and the owner of the club up in Toronto was flipping out. He said they weren't sure that Artie was going to make it and they were all flipping out so he ended up drinking and snorting a Xanax. Howard asked if he did any blow. Bob said he didn't. He said he snorted the Xanax but no blow. Bob said he also had about 8 shots of tequila.
Artie asked Bob why he continued drinking when he actually did get there. Bob said he had already fucked up so he figured he'd just keep going. He hadn't had any drinks in about 6 months before that so it was just the one time.
Howard played some audio of John being interviewed by Richard and Benjy at a convention he was at. They asked him a bunch of questions and had him stumbling and muttering through his sentences. He really wasn't saying anything at all and then said he was at a loss for words. After hearing that clip Bob said that John should be reading Artie's book with him at the book signing.
Howard gave the guys some plugs for their fight and said you can see it live at the Marple Sports Arena in Broomhall, PA or go to that GoFightLive.tv site and watch it live. They went to break after that.
Howard said that both of them are pushing Jesus now. They both found religion and are going around annoying people with that stuff. Howard said he heard from Jesus and he couldn't believe he was having him on the show.
Howard asked Stephen if he really thinks that Jesus wants him out pushing this Jesus thing. Stephen didn't say. Howard asked Michael Lohan about how he found Jesus. Michael said he was in jail when he found religion.
Howard said he heard that the prisoners were making Michael nuts talking about his daughter and hanging pictures of her in the cells and stuff. Michael said that he had to learn patience in jail and that's why he had to learn it.
Howard said Michael is going to be boxing someone and Stephen has something to do with it. Howard pointed out that Stephen is huge now and he has to be taking steroids to get that big. Howard asked him when he got into steroids. Stephen said he's 200 pounds and he's feeling good. He aisd he's a little husky right now, that's hwat he's calling it. He said he feels great though.
Howard asked both of them if they're against Proposition 8. Stephen said he's not against anything. He said that he's actually for Prop 8. Howard aksed the two of them ewhat the hell happened to them. Stephen said Howard sounds like all of his friends who ask what happened to him.
Howard said religion was invented by man, just like marriage was, so he doesn't get why they'd be against the gays getting married. Stephen said he really doesn't have an opinion. He said Howard has it wrong because he's saying that there is no savior of the world when the Bible says that he's wrong.
Robin said that God gave man free will too so there's no reason to be against them getting married. Stephen asked why they should start making laws for 3 percent of the population. Howard said that's like asking why they should liberate the slaves. Stephen said that's not the same thing. He said that they're comparing a moral and a civil issue.
Michael said that he's a little more tolerant than that. Howard asked him if he had a conversation with his daughter about being in a gay relationship. He said he spoke to her about it but he's not trying to talk her out of it.
Howard asked if God is against Lindsay Lohan. Stephen said that God is against homosexuality. Stephen said he's not against Lindsay. He said that they're all sinners and she could be married with kids in a few years.
Howard said he's glad that Lindsay is with another woman. Michael said that if she's happy with Samantha then he's happy for his daughter. He admitted he was wrong for speaking out about his daughter in public in the past. He said he knows that Lindsay is happy now and that's great.
Howard asked Michael if there's a restraining order against him. Michael said none of his kids have a restraining order against him. He said that he spent time with Lindsay about a month and a half ago when she was in New York. Howard asked him to hook him up with that, he wants to watch.
Howard said he didn't have a religious ceremony at his wedding. He said it had nothing to do with Jesus or Jews or any of that nonsense. Michael said that's what it's about, it's all about commitment.
Howard asked how these two came together. Stephen said they're both found Jesus and they're out promoting that stuff together and working together.
Howard said he knows how Stephen got into religion. He said he thinks things got kind of shaky in his marriage and his wife asked him to go find God so that's what he did. Stephen said she was on a journey and he joined in. It had nothing to do with him cheating on her or anything like that.
Howard asked Stephen how his sex life is going. Stephen said ''Praise the Lord... that's all I can say.'' Stephen said that he thinks that Barack Obama is going to be great for the country. Howard asked him about this Pastor Manning who was on the show yesterday. He said the guy was implying that he was the ant-Christ. Stephen said he doesn't believe that at all.
Stephen said that Barack says he's a Christian so they'll have to see how he handles this new job. Robin asked him why he isn't just ''Christian'' instead of saying that he claims to be Christian. Stephen said that's what he's saying.
While they were talking about the abortion issue Stephen asked Howard how he thinks that his mother had the choice to let him live or die. Howard said he knows that and he agrees with that. Stephen said he doesn't believe Howard. Howard said he has no reason to lie about it. Howard told Stephen that he believes in choice for that.
Howard asked Stephen if he uses rubbers. Stephen said he can't say what he does. He said he just leaves it up to god. Howard said they have to have contraception. Michael said that if you read the bible then you have to believe that God is the one whose hands you have to leave that in.
Howard asked Stephen if he pulls out. Stephen wasn't saying. Howard said Stephen has talked about giving up masturbating. Stephen refused to answer. Howard asked Michael about masturbating in prison. Michael said he feels guilty doing that but he did it. Howard said he beats his meat vigorously when Beth isn't home. Howard said he told his wife about it and wasn't hiding it from her. Stephen threw Howard a copy of his book in the middle of that discussion. His book is ''The Death and Life of Gabriel Phillips: A Novel.''
Michael said that if you look at the bible you figure that people are actually all Jews. Howard asked the two of them what's worse, homosexuality or masturbation. Stephen said it's all sin and it's all the same. Michael said it's not the sin itself, it's the degree of sin that matters.
Stephen asked Artie if he's going to get into Jesus. Artie said he might have to do something. Howard asked the guys what's worse, abortion or homosexuality. Both of them said that they don't judge, they leave that up to God.
Stephen then got in another plug in the middle of another discussion. He threw Howard a bottle of something and said you can get it at HitMeShots.com.
Howard had this guy Bob on the phone who Michael is going to be fighting in March. That guy is 40 and Michael is 48. Howard wondered what's going on with all of the boxing lately.
Howard gave the guys some plugs for the web site where you can find out about the upcoming fight. That's at LIFightForCharity.com.
Howard asked Michael how he makes money now. Stephen told him not to go into it. Howard told him not to tell him what to talk about. Michael said that when he went through the divorce with his wife he gave her everything because he wanted to take care of the kids. He said he didn't think she was living up to what they discussed in the divorce so he had to sue. They ended up dropping the suit and things are going fine now.
Stephen told Howard that if he became Christian then he'd get a huge audience. Howard said he's not as gullible as Stephen is and that won't happen. Howard said that even Alec told him how out of control Stephen is now. Howard gave him some more plugs for his book and web site after that.
Stephen said that he has gotten rid of his restaurant and some other stuff he was into for a while there. He said that he knows that the only thing that's going to last forever is Jesus.
Howard took a call from Jesus (Sal) who asked Howard to bash Stephen over the fuckin' head with his bible. Jesus claimed that he created this guy and sales of his bible are down by 50 percent now.
Ralph called in and said that Stephen sounds like a complete tool now and he's no fun anymore. He said the guy did everything and fucked everything in his life before and now he's substituting it with another addiction. Ralph told Stephen that if there was a law against dumb people getting married then he'd be single.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's a loyal listener and a Christian and he respects Stephen and what he does. Stephen wasn't even paying attention to the guy according to Howard. Stephen thanked the guy for his support.
Another caller told the guys that the bible is a bunch of stories that have happened over time. They weren't all written at once. Michael said he's wrong about that. He started to explain it but Howard cut them off and said he got a bible for his wedding from Renee Zellwegger of all people. He said he hasn't read it and he's still working on reading Artie's book ''Too Fat To Fish.''
Stephen asked if they were going to get kicked out of there now. Howard said he was going to kick them out. He spent a little more time talking to Michael about what he's up to. Michael said they're going to brothels all over the world and rescuing children from the sex slavery. Howard said he'd like to be involved in that. He said he'd love to go do some work at the brothels.
Howard said that when the pimps catch them they're going to get their asses beaten. Michael said that it's a very serious issue. Howard said he has read about it lately and he knows it's serious. Stephen told Howard he just has to accept Jesus into his life and his listenership will go way up.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who played some George Takei audio clips where he was asking about some gay stuff that was in Time Magazine. They had him asking questions and laughing at Stephen and Michael.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to know if Michael and Stephen have ever fantasized about Lindsay Lohan. Michael said he wanted this guy down at the studio. He said he would never fantasize about his own daughter.
Stephen said they had to get going because they had to do some other interviews. Stephen also said that he used to have naughty thoughts about Robin years ago.
Howard asked Stephen to give a prayer to the show before they left. Stephen went right into it and went on and on praying for the guys on the show and all of the listeners. Howard said that was very intense. Artie asked Stephen to bring him a Hawaiian Punch from outside when he leaves. Howard gave them some more plugs and went to break as short time later.
Howard came back and said that he thought Robin was going to become a religious freak when he saw her hugging Stephen. Robin said he was starting to quote the bible and stuff so it was pretty amazing to see. She said she remembers seeing him running around their studio with his pants down years ago. Howard said he has changed a bit since then.
Howard had Mike Walker on the line to play his game so he got to him. Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said Scott DePace's dog, Duke, died yesterday too. He was 11 years old. Howard said that was sad to. Howard noticed the dog had some tooth problems so maybe he should have taken better care of that. Scott said he got home yesterday and the dog was dead on the floor. He's not sure what happened to him.
Scott said he had to tell the kids last night what happened and that was really tough. He said the dog usually has coffee with him and he wasn't there this morning. He said that he's going to get another one and maybe two.
Howard said he heard Scott on the Wrap Up Show yesterday and he couldn't believe what he was saying. He was wishing that Obama doesn't do well. Scott said that's not what he was saying. He said he just doesn't believe that he's going to work out.
Scott said that Bush got blamed for a bunch of stuff he didn't have any control over and he gets blamed for it. Howard said Scott doesn't open his mind to what both parties are about. Scott said that's not true either. Scott said he roots for this country to do well and not for the President. Howard said it's the same thing, you have to root for the President to do well.
Howard told Scott he's like Rush Limbaugh Jr. He said he needs to open his mind and not just in the Republican stuff. Scott said he's not all about the party. He said he's against some of their policies. Howard thanked him and kicked him out. He said he was sorry about Duke. Howard said he really is like a Rush Limbaugh type.
Artie said that he likes Scott but lately he does sound like a jerk off. Scott told him to fuck off. Fred said he heard that Scott wanted the auto industry to fail. Scott said that's not true either. He said that if one of them goes under, they could work things out and it might be good for the industry.
Fred started to get into it with Scott about the auto industry thing and went back and forth with him on that. Howard said that Chrysler was bailed out many years ago and that saved them. Fred said that they should have been let go back then and they wouldn't be where they are now. Scott and Fred were still arguing as Scott was leaving the studio.
Shuli said that they have some news about some phony mayday calls that have been coming into the coast guard on Long Island since Dominic Barbara did his mayday call. That led to Howard talking about how Dominic has tried calling him and he just can't get back in touch with him. Robin said she's spoken to him and his wife but she's sworn to secrecy. Shuli said the pranks are highly illegal and you can go to jail for six years if you're caught.
Shuli said that they'll have more about Artie going out to Los Angeles to promote his book. They're going to have a special on Friday night with JD Harmeyer hosting it live from L.A.
Artie said he heard that Ryan Phillipe wants to hang with JD out there. He said he thinks that he wants to get JD laid and wants to give it another shot this week.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview next. He ran down the list of subjects they were going to try and cover today.
Mutt called in and said that tonight is their third anniversary show and also their 160th show. He's going to let the fans talk about who would be a good host in place of him and stuff like that. They're going to have some special guests on and talk about the ''I Want to be Howard Stern'' contest finalists. Next week Mutt won't be in because he's going to be out at the Playboy mansion for a party out there.
Robin read some news about Mitch Mitchell's death. The guys spent a little while talking about that and how strange the story was. Howard thought it was odd that they said he died of natural causes instead of saying exactly what it was. Howard played some Jimi Hendrix stuff to give some examples of Mitch's drumming.
Howard said that a great guy out there still touring is Leslie West. Howard said he never got the acclaim that Jimi got but he's awesome. He said he reminds him of Jimi when he sees him play.
The guys talked more about Jimi Hendrix too and said that if he hadn't died then he'd probably be on the show promoting a fight against Bob Levy. They talked about some other people like John Belushi and what he might be up to if he had lived this long.
Robin said that there's a preacher trying to get his flock to have sex for 7 days in a row. Robin said that they're trying to talk the Obama's into sending their kids to public school in Washington DC. Artie said that the only white family in Washington DC is moving out in January.
Robin brought up the proposition 8 law that's going into effect that will stop gays from getting married. They're trying to overturn that law now. Robin said that gays can get married legally in Connecticut now though.
Robin said there's a contestant from American Idol who ended up killing herself in front of Paula Abdul's mansion. Robin had the audio of this woman, Paula Goodspeed, from her audition on American Idol. They played that and said it was sad to hear her talking about what a fan of Paula Abdul's she was. Then they played her singing and got a laugh from that. She wasn't one of the better singers there. Howard said that the reason this chick is getting the attention is because she did it in front of Paula Abdul's house. Howard said Paula must like this on some level.
Robin read a story about an execution that was going to be happening down in Texas. She had audio of someone reading about what the guy requested for his last meal. It was a lot of food. Artie said he'd order whatever food he could eat that would make him shit all over the place when they killed him. Artie said that they say it's not a deterrent to have a death penalty but he sure as hell wouldn't kill anyone in Texas.
Robin read a story about a robot that has been created that can mimic human faces. Artie said he kind of misses K-Rock now because they would have had a Tom Chiusano joke in there if they were working with him.
Robin read a story about a guy in Canada who was released because he didn't fit in the cell. He was supposed to serve 50 years but he was just too large for the cell so they released him.
Robin had a story about the financial crisis in the country and how they're constantly trying to figure out where to put the 700 billion bail out money. She had some audio clips of people talking about the whole mess. Fred ended up throwing in some Sour Shoes ''OOOooo'' audio clips so Artie did his Steve Langford impression from the prank calls Sal and Richard made to him. He and Howard had some fun with that for a couple of minutes.
Robin said the stock market fell another 400 points yesterday. Howard said they're lucky that their stock can't fall that much. Artie said if it did it would fall to -398 points. Artie asked when he owes Scott Greenstein money. Howard told him to just tell Scott he'll sell his motorcycle.
The guys talked about how they're going to be doing another Secret Santa thing this year. Then he said that they had video of Ronnie sound asleep in Scott's studio. Howard said that's his security guy sleeping out there.
Robin said that Sarah Palin is talking about possibly running for President in 2012. Howard said that would be funny.
Robin said they're looking to do a million gay march around the country. Howard said they should just go to Shea Stadium. Fred threw in Gary's ''Ree-Sees'' audio clip when Howard mentioned the Mets.
Robin read through some more news but Howard said he had to pee. Robin told him that if he didn't mess around with that whole Sour Shoes thing then they'd be much further along.
Robin read a story about ODB dying 4 years ago today. She had Howard play some of his music during that story. She also had some T-Pain music and a story about him issuing an apology about some anti-Semitic remarks he made. Howard said he didn't get into that with him when he was in. Robin said that he said something about them having all of the money and shouting out some stuff to some guy who was speaking somewhere. Howard said he might have questioned that if he knew about it when he was in there.
Robin said that Michael Jackson's property was just transferred to a new company that's still owned by Michael Jackson. They may change the name from Neverland to something else. Robin said that Haley Joel Osment is in a new movie and had some audio talking about that. Howard said he sounds like Nicole Bass now. They ended the show after that, right around 10:40am.
Jon said sometimes that whole thing doesn't stick with people but Stephen has been doing it for quite a while now. Gary said he's very busy with that stuff and he's getting a lot more appearance time now that he's doing it.
Jon asked if he thinks that Michael Lohan is getting onto the money train with that. Gary said he doesn't think that's the case at all from what he can tell.
Gary said that Michael is new to it and he might be Super Christian right now because it's something new to him. He said Stephen is still into it though so it seems to be sticking with him.
Gary said he thinks the best part of the interview was his prayer because they were all rolling on the floor laughing in the back office. Benjy asked if he thinks that Stephen would be able to get on if he didn't have that religion thing going for him. Gary said he's not sure. He said right now he has that religion hook to get him on.
Jon talked about Michael Lohan talking about masturbating and how Stephen wouldn't admit to it. Gary said that's because Michael doesn't have anyone to answer to like Stephen does.
Benjy thought Michael Lohan came off as a nice and normal guy, unlike what he thought he was going to be like. Gary said that they heard a lot of stuff about him in the past with his family so that's what they were going by.
A caller said he found that interview to be boring. He said he had to switch over to Raw Dog for a while because they drove him nuts. Gary said he finds Stephen interesting. He said one time they booked him on the show based on him going out in front of a porn shop where he was writing down people's license plate numbers and publishing them.
Another caller said he didn't care for the interview either. He said it's fine that they did what they did and became born again but he doesn't want them pushing it on people. He said it's fine if they want to do that but people don't want that stuff pushed on them. Jon said that's what makes him an interesting guest though.
Jon played some audio from the interview where Stephen said that Lindsay Lohan was his ''sister in Christ.'' Benjy said that if that was his sister in Christ, he'd be banging his sister.
Another caller said that those guys would have faded into obscurity if they hadn't found religion. Gary said he thinks that Stephen is pretty genuine about the whole thing.
Jon took some more calls about the subject and had people commenting on the interview. One guy called in about working in some prisons himself. He said that he saw some wild stuff in there. He said he watched a couple of prisoners in the shower and one of them disappeared. He said he ran around the corner to see where he went and the guy was down on his knees blowing the other guy. He told them to stop but the guy getting blown asked him to just let him finish. The caller said he didn't want to go over and grab the guy so he let him continue.
A caller said that he thinks that Artie is against the gays and he's kind of religious so he's not that much different than Stephen Baldwin. He said he'd like Artie to be a little more honest about it and come out and say what he really thinks about gay marriage and stuff. Gary said he thinks that Artie is for gay marriage, he just doesn't want to see his neighbors in the hall making out and stuff like that.
A caller said that he hates when they bring religion up on the show because Howard doesn't think that Howard is all that deep of a thinker when it comes to that. Gary said that just because he doesn't believe in god the way the guy thinks he should doesn't mean he's not a deep thinker.
The caller was saying that religion is a touchy subject and they have to be careful how they handle it on the show.
Jon said he saw Ronnie walk by but he doesn't think he's going to come in to talk about his nap. Gary said he was talking to Bob Levy and his wife out in the hall and they told him that Ronnie was in Scott's studio sleeping with his mouth open. Jon asked how long he was out for. One of the camera guys said that he heard he woke up as soon as the other camera guy walked into the studio.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that this Lohan guy claimed to be a big Christian but then he talked about having a 33 year old girlfriend that he's obviously having sex with so he's not following the bible. Gary said that there are many levels of religion and people just make it up and think they'll be forgiven for all of this stuff they do.
Jon asked who is the most religious on the staff. Gary said that Artie might be the one. He said that Sal is too but Artie might be more religious.
Jon asked Benjy if he's religious. Benjy said he thinks about it all the time but he's not sure how religious he was. Jason said that Sal once said that he wouldn't prank call a minister that Richard wanted to prank.
Gary said that he had Sal come to him and ask if he believed in God. Gary said he told him he didn't and Sal was shocked. Gary said he's not sure if there's a higher being or not. He just doesn't buy into that stuff. He has a lot of anger toward the church for the way the nuns treated him when he was in Catechism.
Jason said that people aren't very religious anymore. He said that people hope there's a higher power but they don't believe in any particular religion. Jason said he likes how Jon sends his whole family to temple but won't go himself.
Gary said his wife wants him to go and he hates to go too. He said she brings the kids but he won't go. Gary wondered if he's supposed to go if he doesn't believe in something and just pretend that he does.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the god thing is just the boogie man to keep kids from doing stuff they're not supposed to. He said that in a world without religion, people would just be killing each other. The guy was saying that he believes in a higher power but doesn't believe in the whole structure of religion.
Gary asked Ralph where he was this morning during John Stamos' visit. Ralph said John wanted him to be part of it but he never got a call to come in or anything. Ralph said they had stuff they could have talked about today if he had come in.
Jason asked Ralph what it is that John has that proves that he's gay. Ralph said he's not sure what that's about.
Gary said he heard that Ralph is going to be throwing a big party out in Los Angeles next week. Ralph said he just invited him out do dinner and it's not a big dinner or a big event. Gary heard it was at a really expensive restaurant. Ralph said it had better not be.
Ronnie came in so Jon asked him about his nap. Ronnie said he didn't feel well today. He said he had a quadruple root canal yesterday. He had 4 root canals in one tooth. Ralph said he's had them done before and they're not that bad.
Ronnie said he wasn't sleeping today, he was just resting. Jason asked him if he's finding it harder to stay awake as he gets older. Ronnie said that's not it at all. He said he's got an infection in his tooth and he's on antibiotics.
Jason was making fun of Ronnie's age and cracking jokes about Ben-Gay and stuff like that. Ronnie said that he's got balls all of a sudden now that Howard showed up to his wedding. Ronnie also goofed on his weight saying that the hop in his step shakes the whole building now.
Jason said that he's on the medication to keep him happy and he tried going off of it for a couple of days and he felt really numb. Gary said that the stuff really does make a big change with Jason and Tom Chiusano noticed that back at K-Rock when they were there.
Jon asked Ronnie why he was saying other people don't come in when they're sick. Ronnie said he didn't know, he was just saying some people don't show up when they're not feeling well. Ronnie said Ralph doesn't even have to show up at work because he doesn't have a job. Ralph said he does too have a job but it starts at about 2 in the afternoon.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they had four assholes on today and he's glad they make fun of them all. He said they should have them on all the time to bust their nuts.
The caller also had some stuff that he went over about the guys being dopes today. He called Howard out on some stuff that the guys really didn't care about. They went over a couple of things but the guys didn't seem to be interested in anything he had to say.
Another caller asked what Howard's views of god really are. Benjy said he thinks that Howard doesn't believe that there is an ''active god'' and he thinks that he's not quite sure of what there might be out there. The caller asked if that's because he's getting older. Gary said Howard's views haven't really changed over the years. Jason said that Howard has said many times that he doesn't believe but he's afraid to say he doesn't believe just in case there is some god out there.
Benjy said he asked Howard a couple of years ago if he would say a Jewish prayer for his father when he passed away and Howard said he would. Gary said he thinks he was just going to do that because it would be something his father would have wanted.
Jon asked Ronnie who he thinks is the most religious on the staff. Ronnie said that Scott the Engineer actually is pretty religious. Ronnie said he doesn't think Sal is religious at all.
Jon asked Ronnie about this appearance he's making at this church with the girls from Rick's Cabaret. Ronnie said it's in a room, not in the church itself. They have a benefit they're doing for a cop. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Gary said he thought it was funny that John was saying that he has to do this to get to Bonaduce. Jon asked if he thinks Bob is going to be able to win this one. Gary said that Bob can't win and John is faster and stronger and he's going to beat Bob.
Shuli came in and said that Bob was better at hitting the bag today than he was with Bonaduce. He said that Bob is still a smoker and a partier and he's also the guy who thinks that he can change his muscles in 3 days of working out. He's not sure how he's going to do this time.
Benjy asked if they think that it's wrong for two retarded guys to fight. Gary told the guys he was just joking.
Jon brought up how John was talking about how he's always the victim. He's always in the wrong place at the wrong time. The guys talked about that a little bit. Benjy was wondering if they think a rapist deserves to have his penis cut off. Benjy said he would do that if he had the chance if someone he loved was raped. Gary said he's not sure he could cut someone's penis off no matter what.
Jon asked how John didn't know that his penis was gone. Gary said you have to look at who they're talking about. They also talked about how they found the penis 2 blocks away.
Shuli said he was a blackjack dealer out in Vegas and he had John Wayne Bobbit show up as his first ''celebrity'' at his table. He said he put the cards in front of John and said ''Cut?'' as a joke. Bobbit was the only one who didn't get the joke.
A caller said that the reason Bob has to fight is because he's an untalented fuck. He went off on Levy about that and said the guy isn't getting any attention for his comedy show so he has to do that. Gary said that Bob is a very good stand-up and you can't take that away from him. He said the guy is a talented guy. The caller said he thinks that Bob treats everyone who gets him where he is like shit. Shuli said that's not the case. He said that Bob is very generous with the way he treats people and he pays people like Beetlejuice to do the shows. He said guys like that wouldn't be making the kind of money they are without Levy.
Jon asked who he thinks is smarter between Bobbit and Levy. Gary said it's Levy. He has street smarts even though he may not be able to spell very well. Benjy said he was surprised Bob spelled some of those words right today.
Another caller said he thinks Bob is doing this to stay off the drugs and stuff. He thinks he's going to go down that religion road one of these days. Gary asked Shuli if he could look Bob in the eye if he came out as one of those Jesus guys. Shuli said he could never take him seriously if he did.
Jon asked about the charity thing that John did for Robin and how he didn't get a call back. Gary said he spoke to John about that out in L.A. when he was out there. He said that John was kind of hurt that she didn't thank him for doing what he did.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Bob Levy is funny but he's an idiot. The guy said that Bob sounds like he could have been the voice of Stimpy but not because he sounds like him, but because he's about as smart as him.
Jon had Brent Hatley from Bubba's show on the phone. Brent said that he was out at the Plaza hotel the night they were talking about earlier with Ralph. He said he didn't see Ralph take any money but he saw John Stamos put $100 down. He said he put $50 himself and Robin didn't put anything down. She shouldn't have been stuck with the bill like she said she was. Brent said he doesn't know if Stamos put down more than $100 like he claimed. Gary said he looked into it but no one saw anything from what he's found. Brent said he can definitively say that he saw Stamos put $100 down and he put $50.
Brent said he was sober that night too so he knows what he saw was right. He said he told Robin that they put that money down and Robin shouldn't have had to pay anything. Gary said he heard the bill was a lot more than $150. It was more like $600. Brent wasn't aware of that. He said that could have happened but he didn't know it was that much.
Jon and Brent spent a short time talking college sports before Jon let him go. Jon apologized for going off on that tangent with Brent.
Jon asked Brent who is the most religious on their show. Brent said that it would probably be Bubba or Spice Boy. He said that Bubba does it more for his wife than anything. He said that he's really not that religious though. Brent said that he's a militant atheist himself. Gary said he'd see him in hell then.
Jon let Brent go and went to another call. The caller asked Gary if he was a Penn State fan. Gary said he is so the caller said he liked him a little bit more then. They spent a little time talking sports and then the caller said that Howard kind of cut Fred and Scott DePace off today and he thought it was getting good when they were arguing. Gary said Howard did kind of cut them off. Jon said that Howard does usually like a good fight. Gary said that when Scott fights with someone, it's always the same fight and it was getting late in the show too.
Jon said they had Ross Zapin in the studio. Ross said he had some evidence from that night out. He said he had the bill. Ross said that the bill was $512.60 and he, Robin and Booker split the bill. He said he's not sure where the cash went. Ross said he saw the cash but he doesn't know where it went. He's not accusing anyone of anything though. Ross said he wasn't there to accuse anyone of doing anything. Ross said that money could have gone to a tip but he's really not sure. He just wanted to show them the bill.
Scott the Engineer also came in and said he's not religious at all and Ronnie was juts busting balls earlier. He said he hasn't been to temple in many years.
Benjy said he likes the community thing about temple so he goes. Ross is pretty religious too. He said he goes to temple regularly. Gary said that his wife is what they might call a Super Jew because she converted and she's way into the religion. Ross said that does happen sometimes. They had to end the show a short time later.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:50am.