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Howard started off the show talking about what they had coming up and how fast paced it was going to be. Howard said that he had a sex dream about his hairdresser Toni (Coburn) last night. He said she was very loving in the dream.
Toni came in the studio to hear the whole story. Howard said that Toni is married with 3 kids so he would never actually do something like this. He dreamed that he and Toni were at a hotel somewhere and she'd just finished his hair. Howard was looking at the birthmark he has on his leg and asked Toni what she thought of it. Toni tells Howard that she thinks it's pretty and starts touching it. She works her way up to his private parts. Then Howard says he flipped her over and started rubbing her ass. That's when he woke up.
Toni didn't say anything about the dream because she's so shy. She quickly left the studio. Howard said he didn't know that Toni was the one he actually needs. He says he's thought of Robin in that way but all he ends up hearing is her laugh.
Howard mentioned that Gary Garver got an interview with Larry King so he was going to play that later in the show. He said they have a new stripper quiz as well. Beetlejuice was stopping by, Michael Buffer was coming in and Dave Chappelle was calling in. He also mentioned that Rodney Lee Conover was sitting in observing things from the Jackie Chair as well. He spent a minute talking to him and then went to break.
Howard said Stuttering John told him that Sting was on ''Ally McBeal'' last night and he's looking really old now. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking by that. Stuttering John also came in and told Howard a little more about what he saw. Howard said he saw Sting and thinks his nose job looks kind of odd. He said they did something to it to make it look clipped in an odd way. He said he can't figure out what they did to him. John said it looked like he may have been pulled back a little too. Robin said he's got something going on with his hair too.
Howard said he got home and watched ''The Sopranos.'' Howard's cousin Karen left a message for him last night and he knew it was going to be bad news so he didn't pick up. He tried to go to bed but he had to know the news so he listened. It turns out his cousin Dorothy died and Karen was letting him know. Howard said he thought about Dorothy all night after finding that out.
Howard doesn't have to go to the funeral since Jews ''bury their dead in like an hour.'' This got everyone talking about death and burying people. Gary and Robin brought up how they make ''wax figures'' of dead people and they don't look anything like you remember when you see them in their casket.
After that he ended up talking to Crazy Cabbie who calls him every day. Cabbie says he's still willing to fight Stuttering John after yesterday's show. Howard said at 7pm it's like midnight for him and Cabbie is just bothering him at that time. He told Cabbie that he had to go and got off the phone. He said he gets sucked in once in a while and answers the phone when Cabbie calls. Then he remembers why he hasn't been picking up for weeks.
Howard watched a Jackie the Joke Man movie in his car yesterday. He said after seeing it he really doesn't miss him being on the show. He said Jackie and Nancy were both in the movie and it was so bad that he ended up throwing it out the window on the Long Island Expressway. Howard then watched a Paul McCartney special called ''Wingspan''. Howard said that after watching it he saw how down to earth Paul really was and how much he loved his late wife Linda. Howard said he got sad because he'd just seen his kids. He had to stop watching it because he was getting so sad.
Robin told Howard a bunch of stories about what she saw in that show. Gary came in and said the show was called ''Midgets, Not a Fairy Tale''. Both Howard and Robin said they feel bad for Hank after seeing him all last week drinking and getting, or staying, drunk all the time.
Gary said that there are some dwarves who hate dating other dwarves and they're hated because of that. They talked about how sad it is to have to go through something like that in life. Howard said he knows, just look at his face. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Gary told Howard that KC doesn't make all that much money working there. Then Stuttering John came in and started talking about how hard it is to get a raise at that place. He said he and General Manager Tom Chiusano were negotiating and Tom actually gave him less of a raise than he did last year. John said Tom told him that it's because he didn't negotiate the right way. John shouldn't know how to negotiate because he's just a nitwit according to Howard.
Tom came in and said that he eventually gave John the money he planned to give him after John asked the Program Director how to negotiate the right way. Howard told John that Tom just needs someone to dick with and he's one of the unlucky people who gets dicked with. Tom tried to defend himself but Howard told him he should just tell John that he deserves a specific amount and that's it. He shouldn't dick him around the way he does. Tom said he wasn't doing that with John but he did renegotiate with him after John came back to him.
Howard argued with Tom for a few minutes about his tactics for negotiating with people there. He suggested that he not jerk them around there and laughed when he heard that people are getting even less than 7 percent raises these days.
Changing the subject again, Stuttering John told Howard that the NY Jets are willing to let KC try out for the team. KC says he's not in shape though. Howard thinks he should hurry up and get in shape so he can try out so he can possibly make some more money. Howard said he'd go down there with him and try out himself. He said he could kick a all or something. Gary pointed out that Howard can't play basketball and he doesn't think he could kick a ball.
Howard asked KC what he's going to do now. KC said he's still paying off a loan from the bank for other bills and he can't afford this stuff. He's in a studio apartment so he can't have a roommate. He also said he can't live with Benjy because he's living in such a small place. Gary said that Benjy once lived in a storage unit for 4 days.
KC said he's thankful for everything he's got. Howard said that KC is really afraid of Tom and won't ask for more money because of that. He asked KC what he's going to do now. He thinks that he can go down and bet on the Kentucky Derby and make enough to pay his bills. He said he needs about $1,500 to get him through this month alone. Howard said that if KC threw a hundred at the Derby, he could possibly win that $1,500 he needs. He sadi he kind of likes the way KC thinks.
Howard said he had to take a break but Gary said that he wanted to give KC a $500 prize but KC refused to take it.
They asked him about everything from Hank the Dwarf to what he shaves with. KC came in and said that Beetle will be shooting a porn movie soon where he sticks his head inside of a woman's private parts. You can find out more info about that at PicklePilot.com. Howard says he's worried about Beet doing that because it's dangerous. Beet says he'll be wearing a condom on his head when he does it. Howard asked him to be careful doing that. Beet said he'll be fine, he's done it before. He also claimed that the woman was on the phone, she wasn't. He also claimed that she was there at the studio but she wasn't there either.
Robin asked Beet how old he is. They thought he was like 32 but Beet claims to be 55. He also claims to be President sometimes though. Robin told him he looks good for his age. Howard said he wants to come down and see him do the shoot for that porno movie. Beet said they'll be shooting it in Jersey City at his place.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Beet and one guy just kept saying different phrases and Beet would go off on a tangent. The guy would say something like ''one, two, three, four...'' and Beet would ramble on and on about ''five, six...'' The guy said something about ''Pete Galfer for Mayor'' and Beet said he's running for mayor. The caller suggested that Howard just continue to say different words to see what Beet says. Howard tried it for a minute but Beet cursed and Howard had to hit the delay so we missed some of it.
Howard let Camille make her apologies to the world about her cursing, which she apparently just hears in her head, and then did some match making. He let Beetlejuice sweet talk Camille and by the end of the segment they were engaged to be married! Beet told Camille that he'd take her back to a hotel and hang out with her. She said she'd be willing to go out with him so everything just kept snowballing from there. Howard and Robin were shocked that Beetlejuice had found love today.
Howard would ask Camille questions here and there like whether or not she's been institutionalized. Camille would say ''I'd rather not say..'' which Howard took as a yes. He also asked her if she's on any medication. Once again she said ''I'd rather not say.''
One caller said that he wanted to hire Beetlejuice to hold a lantern on his lawn like a lawn jockey. Beet wasn't going to do that. Howard got back to Camille a short time later.
Camille told Howard that his show is what helped straighten her out. She said she learned to be less critical of people and to accept them more. Howard was baffled by that statement. Perhaps she wasn't listening to his show after all. While she was talking about this tears rolled down her face. Howard said he took that as a very big compliment.
A woman said she was in L.A. and the show wasn't live out there. Gary said that's because they're having transmitter problems and they're taping the show hoping to have it ready for the 6am airing. The woman was rambling about the problems while Beetlejuice was talking over her. She told him to shut up but Howard let her go before she could say more.
Beetlejuice actually proposed to Camille at one point and she said yes to him. They've only known each other for a couple of hours tops and now they're engaged. A few minutes later Howard was performing a very unofficial wedding ceremony for the two of them. When it came time for Beet to say his ''I dos'' he'd say ''I do...what I gotta do'' over and over again. Howard had to go to break so he had to end all of the fun.
Larry King was making an appearance at some old age home out on the West Coast. Gary Garver asked Larry a bunch of questions that they've asked him in the past so it was just a rehash of old material. Larry answered all of the questions no problem. He didn't know he was answering questions for the Stern show at first. Garver told him that he was doing the interviews for Infinity Broadcasting but didn't tell him it was for Howard. Larry figured it out and talked about him for a short time giving his explanation of why he doesn't like Howard's show.
Howard spent a minute talking to Robin about singer Esthero who he wants to get on the show to perform a song. Howard said he talked about her on the show one other time and Robin hated the song that he played. Esthero dislikes Robin now that she's said that. Howard jokingly said she wants to box Robin over her comments.
A phone caller asked Howard if he could play a game to win something today. Gary had a mystery record to play so they offered the guy a Palm M105 as the prize. Howard played the record of a guy singing in Italian. It was awful and the guy didn't get it right but Howard gave him the prize anyway. It turned out to be one of the guys from ''The Sopranos'' who was singing so poorly. Gary said it's off of the soundtrack album for the show called ''The Sopranos, Peppers and Eggs'' which will be available soon.
Robin said the singing was similar to Howard's father singing on the old tapes he has from 40 years go. Howard had Fred play those tapes so he could compare them. That led to Howard talking about his father and how he yelled at him so much when he was a kid.
Howard's mother called in a short time later to yell at Howard for talking about his father that way. Fred was playing the tapes of Ben Stern yelling ''Shut up, sit down!'' and ''I told you not to be stupid you moron!'' and Howard was saying that's the reason he has to go to a shrink. He wondered if he should bring those tapes to the shrink to play. Howard's mother told him that she can't believe he's playing those tapes and making fun of his father that way. She was saying that his father never yelled at him like that, other than those rare moments that were caught on tape. She also said that Howard doesn't need a psychiatrist because it's all nonsense. She doesn't believe in them and she doesn't think that they do any good for people.
Robin told Ray that she went to a shrink and it did a lot of good for her. Gary and Stuttering John agreed that it helped her out a lot. They also told Ray that it's made Howard a different man. Howard was a miserable guy 4-5 years ago according to John. He's more understanding and relaxed now and it shows. Ray just thinks that Howard's past is just that, his past, and he doesn't need to think about it anymore. He tried to tell her that's why he goes to the shrink but she just doesn't want to hear it.
Howard's buddy Ralph came in and backed up everything everyone was saying. He hangs out with Howard more than anyone and he would know. Howard said Ralph knows him better than his own mother so he should know more than she does. Howard thinks that his mother just thinks that since she raised him, there can't be anything wrong with her son. That just isn't true though. Howard eventually told his mommy that he loves her and his father very much. After he hung up he said to call and set up an appointment with his shrink right away.
Howard asked if he could be the flower girl. Beet said that Robin had to be the flower girl and she had to be naked. Howard had High Pitch Eric come in a short time later. Eric told Howard that this guy Drunken Jamie had eaten some of the cat shit from his cat litter pan. Howard let Eric go after that and said that he didn't want to take anymore calls this morning but Henry Hill was on the line. He had Robin start her news but took that call from Henry a short time later.
Howard kept asking Henry what made him fall off the wagon after a year and a half of being sober. Henry was so out of it he wouldn't answer the question and he couldn't even get his thoughts out. He mentioned something about going to his dentist in 2 hours but he never finished that thought either.
Henry told Howard that his bitch woke him up early this morning and mentioned something about Imus and Cabbie. Gary came in and said that he's really bummed out that Henry is drinking again. He knows that Henry probably killed guys years ago but he's bummed out that he's fallen off the wagon after a year and a half.
Henry kept cursing so when he'd say a word that was questionable he'd ask Howard if he could say it. He said something about ''Those scumbags...'' and then he said ''..can I say that?'' Howard told him he could say that but Henry wouldn't finish his thought. He did the same thing with ''assholes'' and never finished. He finally said the f-word one too many times so Howard had to hang up on him.
A short time later Henry called back to apologize but he said the f-word again so Howard had to hang up on him again, for the final time. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. Beetlejuice was still throwing out some nonsense as she was doing her thing.
KC came in late in the news and told Howard that Beetle can stand on his head. He said that he could try to get him to stand on his head for the last 10 minutes of the show. Beet got up and went over to another part of the studio and tried to stand on his head. He got up a couple of times but didn't last long. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later, around 10:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).