Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to the show and talking about how daylight savings time was killing him. Robin said she got home from California at 1 o'clock this morning. She was doing her racing course out there over the weekend. She knew that she was going to get in late and she's wiped out from all of that. She only got a couple of hours of sleep because of that.
Artie said that he's done stuff like that as a party night but he'll stay up the whole night. Robin said she's done that too but it was horrible. She said she's never felt so bad in her entire life after staying up with no sleep like that.
Howard said that comedian Richard Jeni killed himself over the weekend. Richard sat in on the show back when Jackie had left. He read that Richard's wife found him in the shower after he shot himself in the face. He was still alive when the rescue workers came. Howard said Richard used to send him Christmas cards that had American Cancer Society stuff on it. He thinks his mother died from cancer and he wasn't sure if he had anything like that going on in his life.
Howard said Richard was a great comedian and he felt really bad that they didn't have him in the last time he wanted to come on the show. Artie talked about how great the last time he sat in on the show. He and Richard talked about how great the whole job was for him. Artie said he was making some really good money out on the road and it's a real shame that this happened.
Howard said they say that Richard is only 45 years old and he's not sure how that's possible. Gary said he thought he was older because Jackie used to talk about how they kind of came up in the business together and Jackie is a bit older than him. Howard said he feels really bad about that but what can you do? He said it's really weird when you see a guy who you think has it all together and something like that happens.
Gary said Richard's agent was willing to talk if they wanted to call him. Howard told him to make the call. He and the guys talked more about how great Richard was in all of the stuff he was involved with. He had a couple of comedy specials that were really good. He also had a part in ''The Mask'' and he was good in that.
Howard said he was watching some of the movies that were nominated for academy awards and so many of them were so depressing. He talked about ''Little Children'' and how depressing that was. He said the guy in that movie who played the creep in that movie will probably get a lot of parts because he was so good in that movie.
Howard went into his Shaq impression and goofed on that for a short time. He saw that Captain Cat Fucker was on the phone so he went to that. He asked the guy about that cat fucking thing but the guy didn't want to go through that again. The guy lives at home and had his cat doing stuff to him so they came up with the Captain Cat Fucker name for him. The guy said he's really famous and he feels like a reality star after that last call.
Captain Cat Fucker said he hasn't been making a lot of money so he actually takes some money from his mother's purse. Howard interrupted and asked the guy how his cat is doing. The guy said his cats are all great and they all love him. Howard said that the guy put lube on his dick and fucked it. Cat Fucker told Howard that there was some blood and hair involved when that all went down. Howard asked him how far in he got when he fucked it. Around that time the Cat Fucker's mom entered the room and heard him talking about that stuff. Then his mother started yelling at him and telling him he can't be doing disgusting stuff like that in her house. Howard told him to tell his mother that he loves her but around then the phone went dead.
Artie said he thinks there are probably more people in this country than you'd think who are fucking their cats. He said he thinks this guy is the norm and there are a lot more who do that stuff. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all.
Howard was saying he might have to call into this chess show that he knows about too. Robin said she tried chess over the weekend and it went horribly so she's not so sure she'd want to keep playing. Howard talked about another web site called Heroes-TV.com and talked about how gay all of that is. He was also saying that he'd still like to get into that stuff with the Battlestar Galictica thing. He said he might even call himself DABA (Da Bad Ass) like JD did online. He ended up goofing on JD about that for a short time. He said JD sent him a link to a web site over the weekend and his screen name on that site was DABA.
JD came in to talk about the DABA thing so Howard asked him when he came up with that. JD said that came about in high school. Howard asked him what he says when chicks ask him what that means. He said he doesn't do a lot of chatting but he will tell people what it means. He said the whole thing came up as a joke in school so that's why he stuck with it. Howard said he looks and sounds like Napoleon Dynamite so he's anything but Da Bad Ass.
The link that JD sent to him was a YouTube link so he was talking about how they copyright everything on the site as if it's their material. He said they sent YouTube a cease and desist to get them to remove all of the Howard TV stuff. Gary told him it's still up there. Howard said he's got to talk to his agent about that then. They're making money off of other people's hard work over there.
Howard got back to JD and asked him what women must think when he shows up after claiming that he's some kind of bad ass. He said they must be shocked when he shows up. JD said he's only met a couple of women that way. JD said he's been Da Bad Ass for a long time, since he was 15 at least, so that's what he's been almost all along. He used to have another screenname that was something like Fairborn. He was mumbling through most of that discussion. He told Howard he heard one screenname on one of those Dateline shows was ''CanIRapeYouAnally.'' They talked about that for a minute and thought that was pretty crazy.
Howard said JD revealing what DABA means is kind of like Superman revealing who he is to chicks. Howard asked him why he changed from Fairborn to DABA. JD said he was online with his parent's account and he had to come up with something new so he switched. He wasn't even sure about that. Howard said there had to be some other reason for that but JD said he really didn't know. Howard asked JD if his parent's account was the same one where she met her new man in Hawaii. JD said they didn't need to get into that. Fred started playing some Hawaiian music within seconds after JD said he didn't want to talk about it.
Howard asked JD when he's going to the family reunion. JD said it's coming up in August. Howard asked him if he's a real pain in the ass around his mother or something. She obviously doesn't want to see him. Howard wanted to have JD practice talking to his mother's boyfriend. He did a lame Hawaiian guy talking to JD and asking him about how his life is going. JD did okay with that. Artie pointed out that Howard was doing an Indian accent for his Hawaiian guy.
Howard asked the guys if they watched American Idol. He said they have this Indian kid on there and he's awful but he seems to be staying on the show. He figures that they're outsourcing the phone calls to India and maybe that's why he's getting the votes.
Robin wanted to hear the message so bad but Howard didn't want him to play it. Johnny explained to Howard what Eric was asking for and how he was telling him to find this guy he had a problem with and how he should know what to do from there. Johnny said Eric is going to have to get into a rougher group than with him because he really doesn't know what to do. Johnny said he has to get him the call so he can hear it on the air. Howard asked him if he called Eric back and told him they don't do stuff like that. Johnny laughed and said no.
Howard had Eric on the phone and asked him if he's nuts. Eric said he wasn't calling for a hit on the guy. He said he just wanted someone to find the guy and teach him a lesson. Howard said that message made Johnny think that he wanted him to kill someone. Eric said that's not what he wanted though. Howard said the whole thing came up because that guy called into the show last week and talked about how Eric had demanded a ramp at high school. Eric was upset and said that it was all bullshit.
Howard said he wanted to hear this message that Eric left so he asked Eric to explain it. He said Eric might be out of control and it might be a felony asking Johnny to do that stuff. Johnny was able to get the message to play over the phone so Howard listened to that. In the message Eric tells Johnny to find this guy Jerry and ''You know what to do, you know what to do... just find him.'' Artie started laughing his ass off when he heard that. Johnny said that little motherfucker is a gangster. He said he learned that Eric is a gangster this weekend.
Howard asked Eric how he explains that. Eric said he just wanted to teach that guy a lesson but then he said it was just a joke. Howard said Eric is lucky that no one knows this guy Jerry from a hole in the wall. Artie told him that he shouldn't leave a hit message on the phone. That's just not the right thing to do. Howard asked Eric if he thought that whole thing through. Eric said ''yeah'' but it didn't sound so convincing.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted Johnny to do. Eric said he just wanted him to find the guy and make him call back and apologize or something. Howard said Johnny would have to be nuts to go through with something like that. Johnny interrupted that and told Howard that Eric told him about a dream he was having and how he wet the bed while thinking about peeing in the bath tub.
Johnny said that he played that message from Eric for KC and KC was ready to go out and find the guy for him. Artie told Eric he just called the wrong guy, he should have called KC. The guys thought it was pretty funny that Eric had called for a hit and thought this was an all time classic. Artie told Eric he's all done fucking with him. Howard also told him that he's done fucking with him as well. Robin told him he's got an anger issue if he's doing stuff like that.
Howard told Eric that he really could have gotten into some trouble for that if Johnny had taken him up on the offer. Johnny replayed the voice mail around that time so Howard and the guys listened in on that. Howard was laughing and Artie was very amused by the call. They said that if that guy Jerry does end up dead or something, the cops are going to go right to Johnny because of this message. Johnny said he'll just blame Little Johnny for the whole thing.
Artie did his Godfather impression and inserted Eric into the movie. He did that for a short time and then Howard asked Eric why he would command Johnny to do something like that. He asked him if he thought that Johnny ever did stuff like that. Eric said ''no'' after a short pause.
Howard asked Eric about the peeing the bed thing. Eric said that was the first time he's done that since he was a kid. He said the pee didn't make it to the bed, it stayed in his boxers and his PJ pants. He said the material absorbed it all. Howard asked Eric if he has a mattress pad and found out he does. He figured that there has to be pee in there then. Eric said he checked and it was all in his pants.
Artie asked Eric what he was doing up at 1 in the morning because that message he left for Johnny was from 1:30am. Howard asked him more about that as well and pointed out that Johnny's father was a mobster. Howard asked Eric if that's the first time he's ever called for a hit. Eric said it was the first time. He was very upset about that Jerry guy talking about how he had demanded all of this handicapped access stuff and what a disruption it was to school. Johnny joked that he thought this guy deserved to go over that. Howard said they really don't want any harm to come to this guy Jerry. Eric said he doesn't want any harm to come to him but he does want an apology. Artie asked him to say that even if he doesn't apologize, no harm is going to come to him. Eric said he doesn't want any harm to come to the guy at all.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Eric now even though he used to get irritated by him. Howard went to another call from a guy who said he had a theory. He thinks that Johnny misunderstood Eric and thought he was asking him to take out ''Jeni'' (Richard Jeni) and that's how that guy ended up dead. Another caller said that this guy could go to jail for something like that. He also pointed out that if he had been roasted, he might have asked to have everyone from the show hit. Artie said they should talk to a cop and find out if that was a crime already and if Eric could end up in jail just for asking for the favor.
Johnny told Howard that he's gotten a couple of TV show appearances thanks to Howard's show. He got on 1 vs 100 and also on that Identity show. He talked a little about that show and how confused people were about what he does for a living. Howard told Johnny that Eric loves to hang out with tough guys but Johnny said he's really not a tough guy. Howard said Johnny is a tough guy because he was charged with a felony one time and it was over a drug charge.
Eric had a call coming through on his cell phone so he told the person to stop calling because he wasn't going to answer while on the air. Howard felt that there was another hit coming on if that person didn't stop calling. Howard told Johnny he had to get going but thanked him for bringing this to his attention. He told Eric that it's really not a nice thing to ask his friend to do. He thanked them for calling in and let them go a short time later.
Howard said that if Johnny gets on Eric's bad side, Eric might be going to someone else to put a hit out on Johnny. A caller said he can picture Eric in the final episode of The Sopranos or something taking over the whole family. Artie said he heard they just shot the last episode of that show and he's dying to know how it ends.
Artie said he didn't know Eric had that kind of greatness in him. Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using audio clips of Eric's voice. They called a store and had Eric talking about how he was going to accept the balloon stunt but the people at the store had no idea what he was talking about.
Gary told Howard they had the hit voice mail message to play if he wanted to replay it. Howard played another Eric the Midget bit that they had done one time. They had a guy call Eric as Diana Degarmo's manager and had him thinking that he was going to get a date with her. He played a few more Eric bits and prank calls that he had to play. He said that was enough of that after playing a couple of them. Then he replayed the voice mail he had left for Johnny where he asked for him to take care of that guy Jerry. Howard said that kid is a real man. Howard said that guy Jerry is probably living in Montana under the name Sarah now that he's heard about that hit. He had to go to break after that.
Howard took a call from Jessica Hahn who apologized to Eric for everything she's ever said to him. She didn't want to be on his hit list. Howard thanked her for that and then brought in Lisa G to do her Howard 100 News preview. He thanked her for sending over some cards that she had sent for his engagement.
Lisa got into her Howard 100 News preview. She said that Joey Boots got himself kicked off of PayPal for asking for money to get a hooker. She said that Joey has been trying to get his account back by changing the wording. Lisa also said that they found a 93 year old Howard Stern fan who has been listening for the past 17 years. She hasn't been able to hear it for the past year because she couldn't afford SIRIUS. Tim Sabean hooked her up with a radio though. Lisa said they also have a new Inside the Porn Actors Studio on Howard 101 tonight.
Howard let Lisa go and took a call from Ralph who thought that Eric the Midget call was great. He asked him to replay the call for him again. Howard said they really should cut that call down to the part where Eric says ''you know what to do...'' He replayed the whole call for Ralph and Ralph laughed as he heard it. Ralph wondered how Johnny was going to find this guy Jerry that Eric was telling him to find. Ralph said that poor guy didn't even do anything. Howard said it doesn't take much to get whacked.
Ralph said that about a year ago Eric was complaining that they were making him look evil and he's not really evil. Meanwhile they know that he's trying to get Johnny Fratto to take care of this guy. Howard liked the call from the guy who said it was Johnny who took the hit out on Jeni (Richard Jeni) when he didn't understand Eric's message.
Howard went to Tim's team first and had Tim weigh in first. Tim came in at 263 pounds from 265. Howard said that Chuck Zito is going to be upset with him for losing so little. Chuck has been helping Tim out in the weight loss challenge. Howard had Jason up next. Jason said he's been cutting out the carbs lately and trying to eat very healthy. He's been avoiding all of the bad stuff even though he's been tempted. Jason got on the scale and came in at 258 pounds. That was down from 271. Scott the Engineer was next and he's been kind of grumpy while on his diet. He said he thinks that he has a shot at winning, just as good as anyone else. He came in at 255 pounds, down from 264. Brian Phelan was up next. Brian was up at 243 pounds last week. Brian said that he's been dieting a lot and hasn't even been drinking beer. He was down to 239 pounds.
Howard moved on to Artie's team and had Artie get on the scale first. He was up at 286 pounds last week. He hasn't been doing much dieting over the past week though. Artie said he had a signing up in Boston and he wasn't able to diet all that much. He did avoid eating yesterday but he slept all day so he may have lost some weight because of that. Today he was up at 288 pounds. He gained 2 pounds! Howard moved on to Mike Gange who was up at 247 last week. Howard asked him about his diet and found out he's been trying to diet and walking a lot. He can't do any high impact stuff because of his wisdom teeth being removed recently. He weighed in at 244 today. Mike said it's tough to have Artie as the team leader because he knows he's going to fuck everything up for them. Howard moved on to Jon Hein next. Jon was up at 255 last week and he's been really trying to lose the weight. Gary said Jon was in a foul mood last week because of the diet. Today he weighed in at 251 pounds. Artie said that their team just sucks. Howard moved on to Benjy who was up at 267 last week. Benjy has been dieting and using the Cylaris stuff to lose the weight. Benjy got on the scale and came in at 246 pounds! Here's how they look so far...
Jason said that Benjy was able to put on 15 pounds from the last time they weighed in so it was kind of strange. Scott was still upset and thought that Benjy really did cheat. He kept going off on Benjy saying that he's been playing it down. Scott thinks that he will be the winner and there's no way that Benjy is going to beat him. Scott thinks that he'll be able to keep up his loss while Benjy won't.
Howard said Roseanne was one of the first people who got that stomach operation to lose weight. He told her he can't stand when people do that because he works so hard to keep the weight off himself. Roseanne said that she worked very hard to gain back the weight. She said it was constant eating and a lot of sugar. Howard said that guy from American Idol, Randy, has gained his weight back as well. Roseanne said it's the drinking and sugar that really do it to you.
Roseanne said that it's obsessive behavior that leads to the weight coming back. Howard said that when you're given this gift of weight loss you'd think that you'd want to keep it. Roseanne isn't as heavy as she used to be, she claims she's only gained 10 pounds from her lowest point. Robin said they even wanted her for Playboy. Roseanne said she kept calling but they didn't call her back.
Howard said that Tom Arnold still claims that she didn't give him any money in the divorce. Roseanne said she doesn't mind that, it doesn't bother her anymore. She said she never sees him and doesn't want to see him anymore. She's not pissed at him anymore though. Howard said she was making a lot of money back then and he thought she had to pay him $50 million. She said it wasn't that much.
Howard asked Roseanne if she would help Tom out if he asked her to help him out if he was dying of cancer or something. She said she would help him. Howard asked her about Richard Jeni's death. She didn't know him but thought it was very tragic. She said she heard from another comedian that Richard had been depressed for some time. She said she used to be depressed so she knows what that's like. Now she does meditation and she's doing much better.
Roseanne said that she's been eating a lot of pasta and cheese lately. She just doesn't get the whole human being thing because there are so many mistakes in us. Howard talked to Roseanne about this Jewish Kabbalah thing. She talked about that a little bit and said that she likes the search for answers. She goes to the Kabbalah center but she's really not looking for friends there.
Howard asked Roseanne about her new man and how that's going. She said she's 54 years old now and she has gone through menopause now. She said there are a lot of physical changes that happen when that all goes down. Howard said that Robin has gone through that as well and he hates to think that she has to use K-Y lube to get herself lubed up down there. He wanted to know how Roseanne handles that stuff. She didn't want to get into it. Roseanne said she now has a full beard so she has to shave it. She wasn't even sure she wanted to talk about that stuff.
Howard asked Roseanne if she's having sex. She said she is but didn't seem to want to talk about that stuff with him. Howard was trying to find out if she dresses up for her man. She was thinking about her kids listening to all of this so she didn't want to talk about it. She thought it was vile thinking about her mother having sex so she doesn't want her kids thinking about that. She said she has grandkids now and she likes being an old woman. She was saying she kind of likes that the Baby Boomers are on their way out and getting old. Howard and Roseanne both said that they don't think that they've been very good for the world.
Howard asked Roseanne what it was like meeting President Bush. She said she had never met any President's before so it was great. She said she really wanted to meet President Bush because she had been praying for him for a long time and wanted to lay her hands on him to pass some energy on to him. Howard told her that she can't pass any energy on to anyone and told her to just stick to meditating.
Roseanne asked for Howard's hand so she could pass on some energy to him. Howard let her do that but he felt that she stole some of his energy. Howard wanted to pass something on to her so he grabbed her hand and tried to take his energy back. She said that she did the same thing for President Bush. She told Bush that she was praying for him every day and he said ''Well, aren't you a nice girl...'' She said there is a person behind those eyes of his and he prays that God will come in and open his eyes so he will start doing the right thing. Howard said that he wishes him well himself.
Howard brought up the time Roseanne sang the Star Spangled Banner. She said she had to go into hiding after that and she feels really bad for the Dixie Chicks and what they've had to go through. She said that the crowd started booing her immediately so she just made it even worse. Howard played that performance and got some laughs out of it. He said she sounded like a little girl in that clip. Roseanne said that's what got her meditating now that she thinks about it. Howard told Roseanne that when she did that it was genius, just like when Borat does something like that. Roseanne said it was just the wrong time and the wrong place to do it.
Howard said he's surprised that she doesn't like talking about sex. He figured that she would do that. She said she's a grandma now and that stuff is kind of embarrassing. Howard talked to Roseanne about how quickly her fame came on after she did The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. She once said that Johnny told her she was going to be the biggest thing in the country. She said it really came on quickly and within 3 months she went from being bankrupt to doing her ABC TV show. She said she had a lot of people hanging around her and telling her things that were just lies. She said it unscrews your head and that's what happened to her. She said that she still thinks about her first husband and how much she loved him. She's still friends with him but he's got a better wife now according to Roseanne.
Roseanne said she hurt a lot of people that she didn't need to back when she was acting the way she was. Howard read about some stuff she said about her family. She said she wishes that she had just kept all of that stuff private. She talked about her abusive childhood and said she doesn't blame her father for what he did, she figures that it was a lot of pressure that caused him to do what he did. She said that her mother stepped up and took responsibility for what had happened to her as a kid. Howard asked her if she went to her mother to help her when she was growing up. Roseanne said that every kid would say the same thing.
Howard gave Roseanne a plug for the 6 weeks of stand-up comedy she's doing out in Las Vegas at the New York, New York casino starting March 15th. She said she's very excited to start doing that and working with some other people.
Howard asked Roseanne about where she's living now and what that's like. She said that she went back to living in a regular neighborhood and now thinks that there should be some kind of salary cap for people. She said that it should be like $100 million. She used to own a 30,000 square foot house but it was just gross and now she's back to a normal sized home.
Howard gave Roseanne a plug for her web site RoseanneWorld.com and for the ''Funniest Mom In America'' TV show that she has coming on Nick at Night.
Howard saw that Roseanne had written something about Oprah and how she pisses her off. Roseanne said that she doesn't like that she has all of these secrets and stuff. She talked about the school that she was having built over in Africa and how she was complaining about the kids in America who just wants shoes. Howard said Roseanne was making a good point and it is kind of wrong to talk about that stuff. Roseanne thinks that Oprah has gone nuts.
Howard asked Roseanne how much money she gives away each year. She said she gives away the amount that makes her feel good. She said she doesn't want to say how much it is, but some people think that you should give away 1/3 of your money. Howard admitted that he's having a 6,000 square foot home built. He said that he works hard for his money but Roseanne said that if you don't give away some of your money, you're going to hell.
Robin said that Roseanne's grandkids are going to be living a good life with her money. She said that she could end up with a grandkid that ends up like Paris Hilton. Roseanne said she's so glad that all of her kids are functional and not like Paris.
Roseanne was telling Howard, Robin and even Artie that they all have to share their money with others. Artie said what Roseanne was saying is that someone who gives away a car to someone who already had 9 cars, is wrong. He was referring to Howard buying Robin a $100,000 Mercedes Benz last year.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people talk to Roseanne. Ralph called in and said it sounds like Roseanne is going crazy again. That led to Roseanne saying that she just bought a nut farm on one of the Hawaiian islands. She's going to do her comedy thing in Vegas and then go to the nut farm and be a nut farmer. She said it's right near the beach and it'll be a great retirement place.
Ralph asked Roseanne how she didn't own her sitcom yet she was always firing people. She said that she never owned it because she was an unknown at the time. Ralph also said that she made a good point on Bill Maher's show the other night and they should talk about that as well. Howard let Ralph go and gave Roseanne some plugs for her upcoming shows.
Howard was telling Roseanne that Johnny Carson wasn't all that great but she disagreed with him. Howard thought he was good for Roseanne but not for a lot of other comedians. Howard wanted to know if she's using K-Y when she has sex or not. She told him she doesn't use K-Y, she uses WD-40. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Benjy told Scott that Howard must be cheating at his life because he looks younger than Scott does. He said that Scott could do a lot better at losing weight if he tried. Scott was still saying that Benjy manipulated his weight somehow and he's pissed. He said that Benjy has had a 35 pound weight swing in a month and he doesn't believe it's possible. Artie told him he was being ridiculous. He had a mouth full of food as he was saying that.
Howard mentioned that they had Doug Stanhope coming in with his girlfriend Bingo. The last time she was on she had an amazing Sybian ride. Gary was running back and forth on the microphone so Howard ended up goofing on him for that. He told Gary he wasn't ready for Doug to come in because he had some things to play.
Howard said that a CNBC reporter slipped and said ''penis'' during a report earlier in the morning. Howard played the clip where the woman said ''Reese's penis'' instead of Reese's peanut. All of the reporters got all flustered like they had never heard the word before.
Howard had another audio clip to play of this basketball player Ron Artest making an apology for something he did. He starts getting upset and explains what he did. He had apparently hit his wife. Howard told the guy that he shouldn't be hitting his wife no matter what. He told him to just go run and play ball if he gets the urge to do something like that.
Howard had another audio clip of a woman who has the hiccups and can't get rid of them. When she does them it sounds kind of like JD's hoot. The hiccups are very loud and the reporter could hear them from outside of her house. She complained that people make fun of her hiccups and goof on her when she goes out. Howard said they have to get her on the show, she's their next Wack Packer.
Bingo said that she used to bang her head on the walls and stuff. Doug said she's been getting too normal lately and he's thinking of hiding her meds from her. Doug also told Artie about his brother going to meet Artie at the DVD signing he did up in Boston. Doug said that his brother was hoping that he'd get a plug in for his diner on the show but Artie had already talked about the meeting up there earlier in the show.
Howard asked Doug if it's weird being with a chick like Bingo who is so wacky. Doug said he likes being with someone like her because she's not normal. Howard wondered why she shaves her head because it's so cliché for mentally ill people to do that. Doug said she flipped out when Britney Spears shaved her head. She claims that's not true though.
Howard asked Bingo if she shaves her vagine. She said she does that a lot but it's not shaved right now. Howard said they should have had some wigs there for Bingo to try on. She said she wears them all the time. Doug said they go out shopping and dress her up like a Mr. Potato head. He said they've been going out for a year and a half now and things are going okay but they don't have sex all that often. Doug said Roseanne seems to be having more sex than he does.
Howard brought up the last time Bingo was on with Doug and how she told this story about a mushroom dealer who did a ''soft rape'' on her. The guy kind of grabbed her clit and laid on top of her but that was about it. He didn't actually penetrate her. Howard said that there's a scene in Borat where he starts laying on top of this massage therapist who shows up to give him a massage. He thought that was pretty funny.
Mike Gange came in with some wigs for Bingo to wear. They gave her a blonde wig and no one liked that look. They gave her a brunette wig and Howard really liked that. He told her she was very cute as a brunette. Doug said he's seen her with hair and she was hot. Howard said she was very Valerie Bertinelli with the wig on. Doug said the worst part is where she's trying to grow the hair in and she has a crew cut. The guys tried on another wig that was red hair but it wasn't working for her. Doug was telling Howard that when she'd go off her meds, she'd do some wacky stuff. She would go out and walk the streets naked. He said he has lots of pictures of her doing stuff that he should have stopped her from doing.
Howard said that Doug wrote a book a few years back called ''Fun with Pedophiles, The Best of Baiting'' which is available on his web site DougStanhope.com. He tells people how to mess with pedophiles and he tells people how to do it. He said he would bait them into having cybersex and then reveal that he's a dude. Howard read about some of the profiles that he would create. One of them was a 12 year old girl in a wheelchair. He said he goes back and reads that stuff and it still makes him laugh. Howard said he has to get a copy of that book. Doug said he should have brought one with him but he's not good at that marketing thing.
Howard said it seems like Doug and Bingo's lives are pretty normal these days. Robin asked where they are in their relationship and if they were going to get married. Bingo said they're not into marriage and she won't have kids for fear that she'll pass on her mental illness. Doug said he had a vasectomy after he and his wife had an abortion about 5 years ago. He said he's actually still married to that chick. He started divorce papers a while back but never went through with it.
Doug said that there's nothing wild going on in this world anymore. He said that's one good thing about being with Bingo because they can do some wild shit together. Howard said he admires Doug for going out with Bingo and not thinking about her mental illness.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Bingo to become mentally ill for a few minutes and take her top off. She said she can't just become mentally ill like that. The last time she was on she rode the Sybian and it was a pretty wild ride. She said that may have been the last time she had an orgasm. She and Doug don't have sex all that often these days. Doug said he really doesn't even care that much about it these days. Artie said he knows that feeling from when he was getting high. He said he would still fuck a chick though. He said that kind of led to he and Dana breaking up because he wasn't interested in banging her.
Doug said that the last time he did Bingo was probably back in January. Doug said he doesn't care about that stuff anymore. Doug said that they had a threesome one time and that was just awful. Bingo said that may have been the time that they last had sex. Howard asked Bingo if she's done other women like that before. She said he had but that night just wasn't fun. Doug told Howard that the chick was in the audience and they ended up going out and getting drunk. Then the chick ends up coming back to the hotel room.
Howard wondered if the chick was hot. Doug said that on paper she was hot but she wasn't all that sexually enticing. Doug said that the chick came to their room and then left but came back again. Howard asked Bingo if she gets jealous of that. Bingo said she knows that Doug loves her and she doesn't have a problem with it. Doug told the guys about how she claimed that she gives the best head but then she didn't do all that great. Bingo said she was trying not to laugh while that was going on. Doug said it was the most gentle and nice head he's ever gotten from a chick.
Bingo said that she sometimes masturbates multiple times during the day. Doug said she can even jack off in the car while driving to a gig. He said she would do that for hours at a time. Artie said it seems like they're more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. Doug said she does that stuff like any other person smokes a cigarette or something. It just comes easy to her.
Howard asked more about the threesome and what was going on. Bingo said the other chick took a shower with her and they were rubbing titties and stuff in the shower. She said they eventually went to the bedroom and started going down on each other. Bingo said the other chick wasn't all that great either. Doug said he did bang the other chick but he couldn't keep wood. They were on either coke or ecstasy at the time so that may not have helped. Howard said you'd think that this would be a major story in their lives but it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
Howard asked Doug if he would get upset if Bingo banged other guys. He said that she's had some things like that happen. Bingo said it was a buddy of theirs. She said that they didn't fuck but they did mess around. She claims that she doesn't remember the whole thing. Doug said he had passed out that night and she came to him the next morning with that look of shame on her face. He said he's been in similar situations so he understands making mistakes like that when you're partying hard. Bingo didn't remember exactly what she did to the guy because she was so messed up that night.
Doug was talking about this Showtime special he's going to be shooting and how he's going to be drinking before doing the taping. He's actually shooting two shows and he will get drunk before the first one and keep drinking through the second. Artie said he had some boundaries when he was doing the same type of thing. He had to take it easy on that stuff but he did get a little drunk between shows and he was told he was funnier in the second show. Doug said he's been told he's funnier drunk as well.
Bingo was telling Artie how good he was looking and how he didn't look as fat as everyone tells him he is. She seemed to be attracted to him so Howard asked if she would put him on her list of guys to bang. She said he would be on that list. Howard said he doesn't think he could share his girlfriend with other guys like that. He said they can call him a prude if they want to but that's what he's thinking. Robin said that maybe their relationship is more evolved than other people's are.
Howard gave Doug some plugs for the shows he's got coming up and said you can check him out at DougStanhope.com. They have some pictures of her up on his MySpace account as well. They checked those out in the studio. They said something about taking the pictures at Safeway. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard mentioned that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction thing is tonight. Eddie Van Halen is in rehab so he won't be there. Alex won't be there either but Sammy Hagar might be there. David Lee Roth won't be there either because he wanted to play with the Van Halen guys. Now they have the guys from Velvet Revolver who will be doing some cover songs.
Artie was saying that his assistant Teddy was telling him that he and his friends all think that Sammy Hagar was the best for Van Halen. Artie said he was listening to Classic Vinyl on SIRIUS over the weekend and he didn't hear one bad song on the whole trip from Boston back to New Jersey.
Robin said she was listening to some terrestrial radio while she was out in California and realized just how bad it is. She and Martina Navratilova were talking about that. Gary said that SIRIUS just launched a channel called Lithium 24 which is alternative Rock from the 1990s. Artie said it sounded good to him when he heard the description of the music they play on that channel.
Howard got in a plug for the upcoming Miss Black Howard Stern which is being sponsored by Clips4Sale.com. He did that and then played a voice mail that Richard's father left for him reminding him about setting his clock for Daylight Savings Time. He had to remind him of that so he wouldn't miss work on Monday morning.
Howard played another voice mail that Richard got from a guy who was complaining about the morbid newscasts that Robin does every day. He thinks that she just talks about kiddy rape and crap like that too much. The guy figured it might be because her father boned her when she was a kid.
Gary said that Cabbie got mad at him for calling him at 6:30 this morning. The woman on the phone, Kathy, said that it's not just the picture either. It mentions Howard's name as well. Howard said he knows, and now he's going to have to go chase after him to get it taken down.
Kathy also told Howard that he should never let Beth get a massage from a guy. She said she was in Aruba about a week ago and got a massage from a guy who really gave her a good time. She said that they sent her a nice young man. She said she's 43 years old and not Howard's type but she thinks she's kind of cute. She told the story but it turns out nothing happened. Howard thought she had a story there but Robin knew that it was going nowhere. She said nothing really happened but she did get worked up from the whole thing.
Howard goofed on Sal for a few seconds but then moved on to talk about John Popper from Blues Traveler. He got pulled over for speeding and had an arsenal of weapons in his vehicle. They were all legal so he didn't get into trouble for that. Robin said he had an excuse for carrying the weapons and it was something about how he's worried that the country might be taken over and he's going to be ready for that if it does happen. Robin pulled out the story and read through it. The weapons were apparently hidden in compartments in the vehicle. Popper claimed he didn't want to be left behind if something did happen to the country.
Howard said a fan sent him a picture of Artie's crack showing in the window of Newbury Comics when he was up there signing his DVD up there. Howard showed Artie and he already knew that it was going on so he didn't bother even fixing it. He said they were in this really nice area too so it just made it funny.
Howard read through an article about the XM/SIRIUS merger. He said this guy was talking about how the anti-merger laws are really helping out big business because it keeps them from having competitors. Howard said if satellite does go bankrupt, it's going to make terrestrial radio the monopoly. That led to Artie talking about this chick Kim Komando who does computer reports and she was talking about how Mel Karmazin's testifying was just a ruse. Artie said ''shame on you Kim Komando...'' and said she didn't even sound sincere talking about it. She was on CBS radio so Howard figured that's why she was doing the report.
Robin said she has so much fun out there that it's hard to get her off the track. She said she kept going around the track over and over again because she was too into it. She said she almost killed a guy when she cut this guy off as she was going to make a left into the pit. She said they weren't going all that fast, maybe 80 or 90, at the time. Howard asked her if she shared a room with Martina while she was there. Robin said that did not happen and there was nothing going on there. She said Martina is always talking about the love of her life.
Gary came in and said that some people were talking about Robin possibly being gay. She always goes on vacation with women friends and never with Mr. X. Robin said that's not true, she goes on vacation with Mr. X too. She claims that she's not gay.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the John Popper thing. He said it's not a matter of if the country is going to have something going down, it's just a matter of when it happens. He said that it could be a natural disaster or something else. The guys talked about that for a short time before Steve got back to his stories. Steve said that they have a story about this movie ''Call Me Artie'' that will be on Howard TV soon. He also got in a plug for tonight's ''Inside the Porn Actor's Studio'' which airs at 7pm tonight on Howard 101.
Jon Hein got into his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Roseanne Barr's appearance on the show. They'll also be talking about Doug Stanhope and his girlfriend and of course about Eric the Midget's demand that Johnny Fratto find that guy Jerry and take care of him. Howard was going to play that clip but he couldn't find it. He ended up playing a clip of that Kim Komando chick talking about the satellite radio thing. She said that Mel's comments were just a ruse so Howard said that Mel will never forget that comment and he will never hire her to do anything.
Howard found the Eric the Midget clip and replayed the call where Eric was asking Johnny Fratto to take care of that guy who called the show. Howard said he really could play an evil villain in a movie after hearing that clip.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Friday's Master Tape Theatre was great because Howard was talking about how he had written a letter to an old girlfriend of his trying to get her back. He said that Gary had come in and said that every guy has probably written one of those. That was before Gary had revealed that he had a videotape that he had given to an ex-girlfriend trying to get her back.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's heard that Kim Komando chick on SIRIUS before. Howard didn't know she was on there. He said he doesn't understand why any DJ would be against anything that could create a job for them. Howard read that Kim's show was actually dropped by SIRIUS. He said that's a little more of a motive there. Gary said that she's got a web site where she talks about how great HD radio is while satellite radio isn't so great. Howard said he now sees through her ruse.
Gary came in and said they were doing some more research on that Kim Komando chick and found that she was just dropped on the 3rd or 4th of this month and she's already turned on them within weeks. He came back in and told Howard that she sells shirts and crap on her web site. Howard had Robin get back to her news instead of wasting time on that story.
Robin brought up Richard Jeni's death during the news so the guys spent a while talking about him. He had sat in on the show back before Artie was hired on full time. Robin said she got to talk to Richard back then and found out he was depressed but she didn't know he was that depressed where he'd commit suicide. She said she feels really bad for him and isn't even sure what to say.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard was about to end the show. Artie got in a plug for a comedy show he's doing down in Lakeland, Florida. Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how warm it was in the studio this morning. He had to take his shirt off because it was warm and itchy. Fred was playing one of the ''dropping loads'' porn clips as Howard was stripping down.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Wrap Up Show from yesterday. That led to Howard playing a clip of Artie talking about how he didn't want to be part of this weight loss contest the guys are in. He said he's going to give his team $1,000 each if they end up losing the challenge because of him. Howard played another clip where Artie talks about how he was forced into the contest and how he didn't want to be the captain of a team. Gary pointed out that Artie said he wanted to lose weight but Artie argued with him that he wanted to do a contest where he loses the weight himself. Gary also said that Artie heard about the contest in a bunch of meetings and he never said anything about not wanting to be part of it.
After playing the clip Howard said that the bottom line is that he could win the $20,000 if he tried losing the weight. He's not going to screw over his team mates like he thinks he is. Robin said it seems like he doesn't want the competition. Howard told Artie to stop saying he didn't want to be in the contest. He said he kind of set up the whole thing for him after he complained about not getting money for losing weight. He told the caller that Artie was eating a buttered bagel as they were talking.
Howard told Artie that a lot of people aren't happy about him eating on the air, they don't want to hear him chomping down on it. Artie said Howard does the same thing with his chicken but Howard said he only does that if he's rushing to get back on the air.
Artie said he and Goodstein and some other guys were playing basketball while they set up the game for the naked people. Sal came in and told the guys he had a tattoo of a basketball put on his ass. It was supposed to be a fake one but the guy used permanent ink on it so he's still got it on his ass. Sal said he couldn't go to get a massage yesterday because of the basketball tattoo. Gary told him it might be on there for a month. Sal said he didn't know how long it was going to be on there until after it was already on.
Richard came in and told Howard that he used a temporary paint on his ass. He said most of the ink ran down his leg from the sweat. Sal said it looked like diarrhea running down his leg. Artie said that the two of them were painting each other's cocks and it was looking like they were blowing each other. Sal also said that he has this new trick where he puts a cigarette in the hole of his penis. Howard heard that and told him to get out of there. Richard said his foreskin also gets longer when he runs around.
Sal told Howard that Richard told him that he needed to keep his underwear clean because he needed to wear them for 3 or 4 days. Howard seemed to be irritated by that and sounded like he wanted to get them out of there. Artie said he threw a basketball really hard at Richard when he was chasing him around with his cock out. Sal and Richard also said they were raping Jon Hein while they were out. Howard said he likes that they're up for playing naked basketball.
Howard said that Sal has become quite an attraction on Howard TV with the stuff he's doing. One of the most watched segments is Sal doing the Baba Booey Dance on Howard TV. Howard read that Sal had wiped his paint covered penis on Jon Hein's jacket and ruined it. He said he can't really do that.
Howard played a couple of clips like Larry King bringing up the word ''faggot'' with Bill Maher and then claiming that he was just quoting Ann Coulter and that he hadn't said it himself. He also played a clip of Donald Trump going off on Rosie O'Donnell again.
Howard still had the guy on the phone and he was asking for an autograph from Howard. Howard said he used to sign all kinds of stuff but it becomes a mailing nightmare so he stopped doing it. He said he's not trying to be an asshole, he just can't sign stuff that gets mailed there. He told the guy he might run into him some day and he'd be happy to sign his stuff.
Howard mentioned the web site he talked about yesterday where they discussed Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica. Today he heard about a site where people get together because they're all fans of Pi... and not the kind of pie you eat. He said Gary told him about that site. They spent a short time on that but then Howard got back to the Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica thing. Jason came in and said that the Enterprise would win hands down. Their technology was more advanced. Robin said that Galactica can do that jump thing and disappear. Jason still thinks that The Enterprise would win in a battle.
Robin got into the argument and said that the Enterprise gets destroyed in every movie so they have a new one with each new movie. They were arguing about that going back and forth for a couple of minutes. Howard said that every 'vagine' in America dried up when they heard Jason come in to talk about that nerdy stuff.
Howard said he felt bad for Regis and he thinks that he should just bow out at this point and have some fun with the rest of his life. Robin said that Bob Barker has been doing that Price is Right forever and he seemed to enjoy that. Howard said Regis is going to be out for 4 or 5 weeks and people are wondering if it's going to last now.
Gary came in and said that Kathie Lee has to give Regis messages through a TV show because she can't even talk to him herself. Howard played an audio clip from a show she's on where she gave him some loving wishes. Donald Trump also had a message for Regis and said that there's no one tougher than Regis. Trump actually got a phone call from Regis while Kathie Lee can't even get to him.
Gary said that he can remember Jackie asking for more money after they started going to more markets when they were on terrestrial radio. He said they should talk to him about all of that when he comes in today. Howard wondered if Jackie's salary was lowered when they lost affiliates over there. Robin said you could always see the numbers going through Jackie's head when they'd go through all of that stuff.
Howard talked about how punchy he got when Jackie was going through his negotiations. He said he had just met Beth before Jackie left the show. He said he remembered Jackie telling him to have a great time with that lovely woman he was dating. He figured Jackie was looking for a new woman himself and he might have to help him get her. Robin said it's always a calculated thing with Jackie when he says things like that.
The guys talked more about the way Jackie would go through his contract negotiations and screw up the show with them. Howard said Jackie actually taught him a huge lesson. He taught him that he's actually fine on his own and he doesn't need to get horseshitted around in the business. Robin said that she kicked and screamed at Howard to get rid of Jackie and not worry about keeping the show together like that. Howard said he has really changed because of Jackie and he realizes that he's okay with him not being there. That's why he's okay with Artie being on the show and needing to go do other things. If Artie leaves, the show will be fine and that's why he lets him keep a limited contract with the show.
Eric said that it would be kind of funny but it would ruin the American Idol tour and he wouldn't want to go. Howard told Eric to think it through and call back later in the show. Howard wants to vote for Sanjaya and get in on the VoteForTheWorst.com vote. He said it might just totally blow up the whole show if they can make that happen.
Howard told Eric that admitting that he wore PJ pants and wet his bed was bad enough. He said he was telling some people about that and they think that he had a wet dream, he didn't pee his bed. Eric said it was pee, he didn't have a wet dream. Eric said he knows the difference between pee and the other stuff, one is sticky. Artie and Howard said they can both be sticky.
Howard asked if he could send in his pants so they could have them tested to see what he did. Robin wondered what he was wearing at the time he made the call to Johnny Fratto asking for the hit. Howard said he was probably in his PJ pants and may have wet them already. Eric described the PJ pants he was wearing and how they were in the 'Niner's colors. Howard ended up playing the hit call that Eric made to Johnny Fratto that they played on the show yesterday. Eric told Johnny to find this guy Jerry and told him ''You know what to do... you know what to do.''
Robin asked Eric how many PJ pants he owns. Fred did his impression of him and said he has pants for each of the NFL teams. Howard played a bit that Sal and Richard created but it wasn't going over very well. Howard stopped it and said that Sal doing that voice isn't all that funny. They were goofing on Eric but the goof was actually on them according to Howard. He told them to make some phony phone calls instead. He started the bit over again and goofed on Sal and Richard for doing what they were doing. Howard didn't like the voice that Sal was doing for his ''black guy'' so he told him to maybe get someone else to do the voice.
Howard got back to the American Idol thing and said that it would be great if they did the Sanjaya thing and got him voted as American Idol. Eric said he didn't want to be part of that. Howard thinks that all hell will break loose if they do that. Howard told Eric that he's a gangster, he should go wild with them. Eric refused to go along with it. Robin said that any guy who orders a hit should get this. Eric said he wasn't ordering a hit, he was just asking Johnny to talk to the guy to get him to apologize.
Howard said that Eric is no fun, just like a wet pee spot on a bed. He asked Eric who he's going to be voting for today. Eric said he's going to vote for anyone but that guy. Fred pointed out that Eric wasn't a fan of Fantasia either. Eric was upset about her background, that's why he didn't like her. He said she's a high school dropout who got knocked up and is illiterate. Robin said he's not such a great role model himself. That led to them talking about that call he made to Johnny Fratto. Eric said that Johnny helped him out with someone else who had given out his personal information. Howard said that kid is a real buzz kill. He thought he could have some fun with this American Idol thing but that didn't happen. He let Eric go a short time later.
Howard wondered what Eric did after he wet his pants. Robin said he did go back to bed so he must have changed his pants. Howard figured that took him a good hour to do. Howard did his impression of Eric ordering that hit and talking about how he was saying he didn't order a hit.
Howard and the guy spent a little time talking about who else was in the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame induction. They spent some time talking about Grand Master Flash for a few minutes. They were talking about some guy that works there at SIRIUS and they weren't sure if it was Grand Master Flash or not. Artie didn't think it was him but it turns out it is. That guy works there and was at Ross' wedding. Howard listened to some of ''The Message'' from Grand Master Flash but Howard had to cut it off because he was getting a headache. They also played ''White Lines'' and there was some confusion about who actually sang it. Howard said he didn't give a fuck and wanted to just go to commercial. Fred said that it was Grand Master Flash according to what he was reading on his screen.
Sal came in and told Howard that he knew all of this stuff because he was into that crap back when he was in the ''Circuit Breakers.'' Sal told Howard what was actually happening back then but Howard didn't care and told him he didn't give a shit. He said he just wanted to know who made the record. Sal said that's what he was trying to help out with. Fred told Howard that Sal was on the right track and explained more about it but Howard said he didn't care, it's so dumb.
Howard said he so doesn't care and hates this discussion they're having. Artie said they certainly don't belong in the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame. Howard said he wants to talk about more important things like getting that kid Sanjaya to be the American Idol. He went to break a short time later.
Howard read through some e-mail about Benjy's 20 pounds and a lot of people don't believe it. Some people think that Benjy may have eaten bananas and drank water because that's one way to gain. Howard said Benjy didn't cheat by overeating if that's how he put on the pounds. He said it's not healthy but it's not illegal in the contest.
Lisa G said that they have a story about how a production team contacted Artie's manager wanting to put out a Best of Artie Lange MAD TV DVD. Howard said he would buy that, he'd like to see Artie's stuff on that show. Howard said he doesn't give a shit about anyone else on that show so he'd like to see an all Artie thing. Artie said it wouldn't have come about if it wasn't for Howard. Howard told him to just take it.
Lisa said that Artie's assistant went on stage at his show this weekend and the audience was yelling out ''Homo'' when he came out. Artie said it was actually pretty beautiful. Lisa wrapped up her preview and Howard let her go.
Howard said that they only have 150 students at the school and 5,000 had applied. He moved on to Bob who claims that his wife is addicted to Oprah's show. She does whatever Oprah suggests that women do. Howard said Gary had a similar problem with his wife. The guy said his wife has to buy all of the books in Oprah's book club. She's also looking to find this psychic guy that does the show. She has to have something to do with every person that's involved with the show. His wife buys anything that's plugged on her show and he has to pay for it.
Robin said that Gary's problem was that Gary wanted to watch the movie ''Crash'' but Mary didn't want to watch it until Oprah said that it's a great movie. Then Gary's wife had to see it and own the movie. Howard said this guy Bob's wife even has weight fluctuations based on Oprah's weight.
Bob said that he even has to watch Oprah in bed. He said he wasn't thinking of having Oprah in bed when he thought about a threesome. Bob said his wife even suggested that they adopt an African baby and send it to Oprah's school. He had to have an intervention with his wife to break her of all of this stuff. Howard asked if she realized what it was doing to her. Bob said she just told them ''Wow, I guess you guys just don't get it...'' Bob said she had to go to this O-Group thing and that makes things even worse because they talk about Oprah even more.
Bob said he's not sure what to do anymore. He wanted to know if other guy's lives are like this and they have to buy thousands of dollars worth of crap that they sell on Oprah's show. Howard took a call from a guy who asked why Bob can't keep a leash on his wife. Howard wondered how that's supposed to happen. The caller said he has to throw the TV out and then make his wife watch Monday Night Football. Bob thought that was kind of dumb, throwing your TV out and then trying to watch football.
Bob said he's been married for 20 years and he loves his wife. Howard took another call from a woman who said that she's just as avid a fan of Howard's as Bob's wife is with Oprah. Howard said that she's not going to stop eating meat just because he stops though. The caller said that's true but that's because she's not insane. Howard and the woman on the phone talked about something that Roseanne had said yesterday about how Oprah could have opened up hundreds of schools with that $40 million she spent on that one school in African. Howard said she's creating an elitist society by doing that. Those girls over there will never be able to live up to those standards unless they move here to the U.S.
The woman on the phone told Bob that his wife might be mentally ill and might need some help. Bob said that Oprah is a promotion machine and it's like she's commanding women what to do on her show. Howard let Bob go a short time later and asked him to keep in touch to keep them up to date on what's going on.
Howard played some edited clips from Oprah's audio book. He had Oprah saying all kinds of sick things that she never really said. Howard also took another call from a guy who said that he's in his last semester of law school because of Howard. He said Oprah isn't the only one who influences people because he's going because of Howard. Howard said that he inspired him though, he didn't command him to go to law school. Howard let that guy go and took another call from a guy who asked if everyone is going a little crazy now that they're on satellite. He pointed out that Howard is on Ambien, Artie is eating, Robin is on a race track and some other things.
The caller was also talking about how Bubba isn't able to do much of anything on his show these days. He's been banned from doing a lot of stuff and one of the latest things is that he can't choke people unconscious on the air anymore. Howard said he doesn't want to see anyone die on his show so he can kind of understand why they've banned him from doing some stuff over there. Howard said he knows Bubba likes those extreme stunts though.
After the introduction Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony got up to speak a little. Michael said some nice things about Eddie even though he was kicked out of the band. Michael said that he loves Eddie and wishes that he was there. Howard said he was liking what he was hearing but Robin said she was at the point where she was ready to bail. Howard went through a little more but fast forwarded through quite a bit of Michael Anthony's speech to get to Sammy. He played through some of that but cut it off after a short time. Howard said it's a shame what happened to that bad because they really were the greatest.
Artie said that those guys showing up to the Hall of Fame is like Howard and Robin getting inducted into the Radio hall of fame and he and Benjy showing up to accept. Howard went on to play a clip of Velvet Revolver covering some Van Halen songs. They were awful. Howard said he thought Slash was good playing guitar at the start of ''Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love.'' Howard only lasted through a few seconds of that performance. He played a little bit of Sammy Hagar talking about how he'd like Eddie to get through rehab and maybe then get back together with the band.
Howard said this letter that Chubby sent to him is about 4 pages long. He started to read it and it looked like a press release. Then he read that Chubby has been a fan of the show for a long time and he was always a supporter of his. He was there in Philly congratulating him at his Philly book signing. He pointed out some of the things that Howard has said about him in the past and how he shouldn't have trashed his album before listening to the whole thing. Chubby was upset that Howard didn't know anything about him. Howard read all of the things that Chubby had accomplished in his career. Howard thought that he had just had one hit, The Twist, but he has had other hits like the Limbo song and others. He went off on Howard and seemed very angry with the letter.
Robin wanted to get Chubby on the phone and Gary said he could make that happen. Howard continued to read through the letter and Chubby seems to think that Howard was booted out of terrestrial radio but Howard corrected him on that.
Gary said he and the guys in the office were talking about how Chubby was upset that he isn't in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Gary said he kind of laughed when he heard that because he really was a one hit wonder. Fred said that Chubby didn't even write The Twist, it was Hank Ballard who wrote it and had a minor hit with that. Howard said he didn't know he was going to have a war going with Chubby.
Artie said he sat next to Chubby on a plane about 11 years ago and Chubby's advice to him was to call his agent every day because he might forget about him if he doesn't. Gary went out and tried to call Chubby but he came back and said he got his voice mail. He said he was very nice sounding in the outgoing message.
Artie talked about how Chubby had told him that people had come for ''The Twist'' but stuck around for ''The Pony.'' That led to Fred playing some of ''The Pony'' song which was another hit of Chubby's. Howard demonstrated the dance moves for that song and then Fred played some of his other songs like ''The Fly'' which was another Twist-like song. Gary said he'd love to see the list of rejected song ideas he had over the years.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Chubby Checker impression. He also did some of his Cousin Brucie impression and then Chubby performing a Van Halen song. Howard didn't last too long with that and hung up on Sour Shoes.
Howard said he had no idea he was in a war with Chubby. They played some other songs of Chubby's like ''The Hucklebuck'' which is one that Artie recognized from ''The Honeymooners.'' Fred played some ''Limbo'' song as Howard was doing his Cousin Brucie impression. He congratulated himself on doing a great Cousin Brucie impression. He went into that a few times after Robin would mention him from the notes she was reading about Chubby.
Robin read off the names of the songs that Chubby put out over the years and Howard was introducing them as if he were Cousin Brucie. The echo on his voice was giving him a headache. He said they have to get Chubby on the show to straighten all of this stuff out. He played some of Chubby's new song ''Knock Down the Wall'' which is the one h was goofing on recently. He said he thought it was actually good and didn't think he had called it shit like Chubby said. He let the song play a little bit and did a little more of his Cousin Brucie.
Howard asked Robin if she can think of anyone Chubby's age making a comeback. Robin said that he needs someone like Justin Timberlake to do a song with him to help him with his comeback. Artie asked how old Chubby is. No one was sure.
Howard brought in some movies for Robin to watch. That led to him talking about some movie clips he had to play. He had some clips from this movie ''Jesus Camp'' which was about a camp where they teach kids about the bible and stuff. He played one clip where they were warning young kids about evil people and telling them that Harry Potter was evil and an enemy of God. The little kids give this woman an ''amen'' when she tells the kids that Warlocks would have been put to death in the past.
Robin wondered what was up with the woman playing the bongo while telling the kids that stuff. It sounded very evil too. Howard played another clip from this ''Jesus Camp'' movie where the kids are asked to bless President Bush and then this woman starts speaking in tongues. Howard liked that so he replayed the woman speaking in tongues. He said they're too lazy to learn another language so they just do the speaking in tongues. The woman then has the kids saying ''Mr. President... One nation under GOD!!!'' Howard said they've also got the kids talking about how against abortion they are. The little kids are telling President Bush to stop ''murder'' in the country and asking him to stop killing the ''Army of God.'' Howard said that stuff is pretty frightening. It's just as bad as the Taliban.
Fred was saying that Jackie used to be an asshole when he was working there and Artie is just the opposite of that. Jackie said he wasn't going to break Fred's balls today. He said he was prepared to do that though. He said he asked Fred to go to dinner with him but he got an e-mail response from him where he said it was ''a little blustery'' and didn't want to go. He laughed and said that he could have just said no. Fred gave him a quick ''no'' and continued to goof on Jackie. He was saying he looked like he had turned to stone.
Fred said that it's all about Jackie when it comes to what he did to the show. He doesn't like the way Jackie left the show so he was goofing on him about that. Jackie said that people think that Fred is the crazy one and no one thinks he's crazy. Robin corrected him on that. Howard said he can't wait for Jackie to start goofing on Gary.
Jackie said that he just signed on to do another year of shows there at Howard 101. They do their show at 7pm on Tuesday nights on Howard 101. Tonight they're doing ''The Finger Banging Show.'' Howard said his sister likes his show and she didn't think she was going to. Jackie said it's a fun show, he just tells his jokes and stories about his life. Howard said he's just doing his thing and he's a part of the family again.
Howard thought that Fred was against him giving Jackie the show. Fred said that's not true, but now that he's heard the show, it may have been against his better judgment. Jackie wondered what Fred's beef is with him. Howard said he could explain it and said that it's the negotiations and everything that went on around that.
Howard asked Jackie if he's involved with any women now. Jackie said he's got nothing going on. He then said he's 59 years old. Howard told Jackie that he could still get laid if he was still on the show. Artie is getting laid left and right. Jackie said that left and right is a long way away on Artie. He laughed at his own joke of course.
Howard said that Artie is going to follow in Jackie's steps and buy a beach house soon. He asked Jackie if he's really dating. Jackie said he is and he's dating anyone who comes along. He has a bunch of different people he dates and everything is cool. He's working his ass off for the Jackie's Joke Hunt show too.
Howard asked Jackie if he was friends with Richard Jeni. Jackie said he used to be pretty close to him but he hasn't seen him more than a couple of times in the past 20 years. He never thought that he would be a guy who would kill himself. Jackie said he tried to get Richard on the show for years but they didn't have him on until after he left.
Howard said that Richard Jeni once found a ''spanner'' shit that his wife had taken. Jackie said Richard had gone to the bathroom and found the spanner in there like a log going across a river. Howard asked Jackie if that's why Richard killed himself, after seeing her shit. Jackie said that Nancy ate a lot but she was always thin and she must have shit out everything she ate. Jackie said that she must have flushed but the shit stayed in there.
Jackie said he was on the Scott Ferrall show and talking about Gary and they were goofing on Gary's lips and making the analogy that he's like a chick with big tits because you know your eyes are going to drift there. He said you end up looking at his lips while he's talking. Howard said he agrees and his lips are hypnotizing. Jackie said he was laughing so hard because the last time he was on over at K-Rock it was so much fun to fart around. He remembers looking over at Gary and seeing those lips and it all came back to him.
Gary said Jackie gets a weird tone in his voice when he starts goofing on his lips. Jackie said he loved the line that one of the guys did at the roast when he said Gary's teeth look like a line of urinals at Shea Stadium. Gary liked the way Jackie changed subjects and moved right over from Fred to his teeth. That's what Jackie is best at.
Howard said Jackie once picked out a mistake that Gary made in one of his emails and has been goofing on him ever since. Gary wrote ''amke'' instead of make and Jackie still writes that in his e-mails to goof on Gary. Jackie and Howard talked about the old days when Jackie could never let go of goofing on Gary. Howard said he'd goof on Gary for a while and he'd be all done but Jackie would pick up on one more thing and it would lead to them goofing on him even more.
Artie said he liked hearing the stories about Jackie goofing on Gary at all times, even when they weren't on the air. Jackie would even pick up two pieces of paper and hold them up to his mouth like two giant teeth. Gary said he would cut out pieces of paper and tape them to any picture they had in the studio making giant teeth for Gary. Howard said he also loved doing the paintings of Gary that they were doing. Jackie said that Fred came out of nowhere and did the Booey Lisa which was a great piece of art. Gary said he remembers walking into a room and seeing the three guys painting pictures of him with berets on their heads in a back office off the air. They didn't even have a camera in there.
Gary said that the guys would draw pictures of him on 8x10 pieces of paper and they actually had a wall covered in these pictures. Then they'd have a new picture and they'd argue over which one they were going to take down. Howard said he'd love to have a display of all of those pictures in a museum or something. Jackie said that would be great if they did that. He had a ton of pictures that he did himself. Howard said they also morphed into drawing their channel 9 show producer Dan Forman.
Jackie said that he thinks Gary is still mad at him for coming up with the idea to have the Gary puppet's mouth move when he talked on his office microphone. Gary said that he was mad at Jackie for having the puppet stolen. Jackie said he had nothing to do with that even though he'd love to take credit for it. Gary said John blamed Jackie for it but Jackie denied having anything to do with it. Gary said he was such a sucker for that scam. He was doing an appearance at a car stereo place and the owner asked him to come out and check out this stereo system he had in his car. When he went back, the puppet was gone.
Gary said he got the license plate number of the guy who stole the puppet. He had the number run but it was one digit off so he got nothing. Jackie thought that was great, Gary had the number and a cop to run it, but it was just one number off.
Howard had Jack and Rod Show that Sal and Richard did where they used some of Jackie's ''Give Rodney a Chance'' joke to goof on a guest caller they had. They played clips of Jackie doing that classic joke and asking the black guy on the phone various questions. Jackie said he thought that was pretty funny.
Howard got back to Richard Jeni and asked Jackie more about him. Jackie said he really didn't know him all that well. He said that Jeni was once at a gig he was at and Jeni was doing some Jewish Jokes down south where they had no idea what he was talking about. Jeni was frustrated because they didn't get his jokes so he asked the crowd if any of them knew what a bagel was. Someone yelled out ''yeah, it's a huntin' dog.''
Jackie told a story about another comedian who killed himself about 25 years ago. The guy was great but he couldn't get a gig. He would make all of the comedian's crack up but the audience wouldn't laugh at him. He remembered that guy getting a job as a Santa Clause at a department store. He told someone that he was happy to have a steady job which made Jackie laugh his ass off.
Howard asked Jackie when he last got laid. Jackie said it was just this morning. He's not having trouble with that. Gary said that Jackie and Fred used to do everything together on the show years ago. Then Jackie had negotiated that ''head writer'' thing and he thinks that they weren't quite as close after that. Fred said it was uncomfortable but Jackie said that no one could even tell. Jackie said that he loves Fred ''Morris'' and he never thought he was uncomfortable with the head writer thing.
Jackie said that when they were working at channel 9, he was told he was going to be a segment producer. He didn't want to be a segment producer so he asked to be a writer. He was the one who was the last one to see stuff before it go to Howard and he wanted to be the head writer. Fred heard all of that and said that was classic Jackie stuff. Fred said he felt like Jackie was putting himself above him with that stuff. Fred said he was writing just as much as Jackie was and it just wasn't right.
Fred said that Jackie appointed himself head writer and that's what upset him. He wasn't given that title, he came up with it himself. The two of them went back and forth about that and nothing came out of it. Howard gave Jackie some plugs for some gigs he has coming up soon. He'll be doing a bunch of stuff in the New Jersey area and you can find out more about that stuff at JokeLand.com.
Dominic Barbara called in and told them to talk about the last negotiation that Jackie failed at. Howard didn't get to that but Jackie joked about Dominic's many wives and told him he's got to stop rolling over on them. Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to play Stump the Joke Man. He asked how copper wire was invented. Jackie did an impression of himself and said ''Two Jews fighting over a penny...''
Benjy had some things to say to Jackie. He said that Jackie did invent what he does for the show. He was also saying that Jackie could have ruined that job as well. He said that Jackie was always kind of mean to him off the air when he was around. Jackie basically told Benjy that he wouldn't waste his time even thinking about him. He didn't think he had ever done anything rude to him and Benjy wasn't able to come up with an example. Howard said he did get invited to Jackie's parties and stuff. Benjy said it was stuff that's happened in the past couple of years but Jackie said he's only been on the show twice in the past 6 years.
A woman called in and said that she was going to tune into Alt Nation while Jackie was on because she hates him so much. She said she'd rather hear Artie chewing on a muffin. Another caller said that the only reason Jackie is in there is because he's promoting something. Howard said that's what all guests do. He didn't think Jackie was doing anything wrong. Howard took a couple more phone calls and let some people goof on Jackie a little bit. Some people didn't like Jackie in there but others were happy to hear Fred goofing on Jackie.
Fred asked Jackie how often Stuttering John contacts him. He thinks that Jackie stopped calling John until John went to the Tonight Show and got off the Stern show. Jackie said that's just not true. Another caller asked Jackie why he and his wife split up. Jackie said things all started to go bad on their honeymoon. He really didn't seem to want to talk about that stuff though. Jackie said he's still good pals with his wife. They're good friends and it's just like they're still married because they're friends and not having sex.
Jackie said that his ex wife is with a guy that looks 100 years younger than he does. He said she's like 10 years younger than he is and the new boyfriend is like 10 years younger than she is so he feels like calling him ''son.''
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Jackie is still a real estate mogul. Jackie asked the guy if he's ever heard of divorce. Jackie said he has an apartment in the city and one house on the beach, Nancy got the other homes. She got JokeLand Central. Howard said it's like Nancy is head writer now. Jackie said he told Nancy he was coming on and she told him to send her love to them there.
Howard wrapped up with Jackie and gave him some more plugs for his stuff. He was ready to go to break but Jackie had one more joke to tell before he left. Howard gave him another plug for Jackie's Joke Hunt and then Jackie told the joke that Fred thought was going to be something new. Jackie then started to tell another story and Fred started to play some snoring sound effects. He said that wasn't going to stop him from telling this story though. He told a story about a joke he told about Fred being from Pluto and he thinks Fred is still upset over that. Howard wrapped up and Jackie asked Ronnie to come in and help him walk by Fred. He was just joking around of course. Howard went to commercial after that.
Howard had this guy Jerry on the phone. This is the Jerry that Eric the Midget wants put in line. Jerry said that call kind of scared him the first time he heard it. He said he knew Eric was kind of jerky. He also admitted that he was wrong about the handicapped ramps there. He said that he was corrected over that after he made the call and he wasn't sure about that until he was corrected.
Howard thanked Jerry for the call and was about to hang up but the guy had more to say. He said that he just watched the ''Shit Freckles'' show that's up on Howard TV. He said it was very funny. Howard said they have the Bubba Wedding coming up soon as well. He said they have a lot of stuff to watch up there and it's all at your own leisure to go through it at your own pace.
Jerry said that he's really annoyed by the way the credits run backwards on Howard TV. Howard didn't know that and wondered why they do that. Jerry also told Robin he likes her new glasses and thinks they're very cute. Robin said she has a couple of pairs and she just started wearing a different pair, that's what he's seeing.
Howard read a story about Sylvester Stallone getting into trouble for having some kind of human growth hormone when he was stopped in an airport. He wondered when that guy is going to give up on all of that crap. He said it's really sad. The guys spent a short time talking about the Rocky series before getting back to the news preview.
Steve got back to his news preview and said they'll be talking more about Robin's race car almost-crash out in California. Howard asked Robin what she's doing with that racing thing. He wants her to just stop it already. He said that Robin was almost in a low speed crash and there was only one other car there.
Steve said that Howard 100 News has a major announcement today. They're offering Katie Couric a job there at Howard 100 News since things don't seem to be working out over at CBS. Howard heard that her ratings are even lower than the replacement they had in for her recently. Howard wondered why Katie is so unwatchable so he asked Jon Hein why that is. Jon said that people think she's just puff and they don't want to see her doing serious news. He thinks that she'll move to something else and get her out of the evening news but CBS will never admit they made a mistake. The guys talked about Katie and other things like Howard's replacements on terrestrial radio. He said those people are supposed to work out and get huge ratings but it just doesn't happen. He said they try to recreate something huge and it just doesn't work.
Howard went around the studio asking each of the guys what they thought would happen to Katie. Robin said she thinks they'll just move her around to another show. Jon Hein thinks they'll move her to 60 Minutes and she'll do some specials but she won't do mornings. Howard said he thinks she'll replace Opie and Anthony. Artie thinks that she'll take over for Kevin James in ''King of Queens'' and Fred thinks that she'll just be moved. Benjy said he thinks that she'll start dancing like Ellen Degenres at the start of the news and it'll become huge.
Steve said they've been trying to get in touch with Kim Komando since yesterday's show but she hasn't been returning their calls. Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Jackie's visit to the show and the return to the old days with him. They'll also be talking about the Chubby Checker letter that Howard got. Howard said he's going to tell Chubby, if he calls in, that he didn't invite him to his book signing or any other event he showed up to. He said Chubby was at those events for himself, not for the show. Artie said that him showing up to a huge book signing was obviously for himself.
Jon mentioned a couple more things that they'll be covering today on the Wrap Up Show and then Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard told Chubby he doesn't hate him and Chubby said he knows that. Robin said that Chubby was saying that he has been there for Howard over the years. Chubby said he really has been there and he's wanted to go see him doing his thing because he's a fan. He said he wasn't there to ''help'' him, he was just there as a fan. Howard told Chubby that he's not down on him and he wishes him the best. Howard said Cousin Brucie wanted to say hello to him so he went into his impression and cracked Chubby up a little bit.
Howard said he felt really shitty about that letter he got from chubby. Chubby asked Howard to let people know about his new album and maybe play a little bit of it. Howard let him go a short time later. Robin got back into her news after that.
Robin cover the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductions in the news. That got the guys talking about Van Halen and some of the other things that were going on in that show. Howard was saying that Patty Smythe was inducted so his old friend Meg Griffin must have been cumming in her pants over that. He and the guys talked about her a little bit and had fun goofing around with some porn clips and pretending that was Meg cumming. Howard said he was willing to bet that Meg was there at the induction show.
Howard took a call from a guy who was wondering if Beth looks in the mirror while brushing her teeth and thinks about how she could have been with any quarterback or any other hot looking guy. Howard said Beth tells him that she finds him fascinating and she really does love him and she prefers him over some good looking guy. He said it is pretty shocking when he looks over at Beth and thinks about how good looking she is. He said he's such a misery and people can't imagine how awful it must be for Beth to live with him. He said she's told him that she loves her life with him. He said she rolled over to him last night and told him she's the happiest she's ever been in her life. He joked that John Stamos was in bed with them at the time.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
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Howard started off the show saying he was tired from staying up late watching American Idol last night. He said all of America is going to suffer because of that. He talked about how bad that Sanjaya dude was on the show. Robin said that he was kind of good when he auditioned but it must have been just the one song that he's good at. Howard said he was thinking all day how Eric the Midget won't go along with the voting for him because it'll ruin the American Idol tour. Howard said he hopes that Eric's health is okay. He worries about him.
Howard said Artie did something nice for him and picked up the DVD for Casino Royale. He never got to see it so he's happy he got that. Artie said he never got to see Borat either so he picked that up. He told Howard he went across to an FYE store near SIRIUS and picked up a few things. Fred said that Barnes and Noble also carry DVDs since Howard was wondering where Artie buys that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been listening to the show for a very long time and he's there to prove that a person can listen to the show for a long time and turn out just fine. He's in law school. Howard said he loves the guys who go to law school and can't pass the BAR exam. Artie talked about how funny it was when John F. Kennedy Jr. failed the BAR a bunch of times. He goofed on him about that for a short time.
Artie asked Howard and Robin if they thought JFK Jr. would have run for office at some point. Howard said he thinks he would have been Anna Nicole's baby's father at some point. Fred played some country music that he plays when he has someone with a Southern accent on the phone. The guy kind of flipped out on him and complained that it's one thing about the show that has gnawed at him for a long time. Robin was arguing with the guy so Howard said the show felt like it was getting kind of out of control. The caller said he just wanted to tell them how much he enjoys the show.
Howard said that Tim Sabean was talking to him about the people who came in from all over the country to see Bubba's show out in Las Vegas over the weekend. Howard said the bulk of the radios that were bought when they first came over were probably from the New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia area but now it's all over the country.
Howard mentioned that Chris Rock was coming in today. He said Andy Richter will be in tomorrow and they have Angie Everhart coming in soon. He and Fred talked about how she was definitely a Super Model. Howard dated her for a short time and he said when he was going out with her he would rent her movies and beat off to them because she was nude in a few. He said he also beat off to Beth in FHM magazine one time. Artie said he did too but then said he was just joking.
The caller was getting too annoying so Howard had to hang up on him. That led to Howard and Artie talking about how people with Southern accents can sound kind of dumb. They referred to a Lenny Bruce bit where he talks about what it would be like if Einstein was from the South. They did their impressions of Einstein and goofed on that and also brought Richard's comments into that. Howard said he has to find that Lenny Bruce bit and play it on the air.
Howard said they have the Nude Basketball recap today. Sal and Richard played with a couple of women who play naked. Artie said he saw one chick and she's cute and she's actually good at basketball. Howard said that chick has a whole beef with the porn industry because she doesn't get paid the same as white chicks do.
Howard said he watched some of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame show and it just dragged on. He said it was over 4 hours long and it was extremely boring. It was just horrible. He said he could never sit through that without fast forwarding through most of it. He said when people start to talk on those shows you just start to zone out. He mentioned Keith Richards inducting the Ronnettes into the hall of fame and rambling on and on. He wasn't even sure the guy was talking about the Ronnettes. He was goofing on Richard's hair do and how he should just have a crew cut at this point in his life.
Gary came in and talked about going to those Hall of Fame shows. He said he went to see Springsteen inducted into the hall of fame and Bono spent about 10-15 minutes inducting him and then Bruce got up to talk and spent about 45 minutes talking and thanking people. He also saw Steely Dan get inducted and they did a quick thing but they had people planted in the audience asking them questions.
Howard talked about the Van Halen induction and how Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony weren't the guys who people wanted to see. They were wondering why Alex didn't show up and figured that maybe he was afraid that he'd get kicked out of the band if he did something his brother didn't want him to do. That led to the guys talking about Alex's drum playing. Richard came in and said that Alex is an amazing drummer and it's amazing when you hear a unique sound from a drummer. He said even his snare drum sounds unique. Howard said that Richard was a drummer but now he's doing phony phone calls.
Howard was wondering when this naked basketball thing is going to be airing on Howard TV. Doug came in and tried to help but Howard just bitched at him for not giving him shorter notes. Doug said if he doesn't give him enough, he complains, if he gives him too much information, he complains. He can't win. Howard eventually found that the special is airing Thursday night after midnight on Howard TV.
Howard got back to Sanjaya and talked about him a little more. He was talking about how odd the guy looks. Artie also brought up the hot chick whose nude pictures ended up on the web. He said she was really hot.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he wasn't going to be able to listen to the show today so he wanted Howard to ask him a few questions. King is going to get some tests done so he won't be able to listen. King said he's lost about 52 pounds and he thinks he looks like a model now. He told Howard to ask Chris about why he thinks his movies never do well. Howard said that's because he doesn't do good movies. Howard said Chris is in a weird zone right now. He said movies are really tricky and he's kind of worried that Chris wrote and directed this new movie of his and he's afraid it's not going to go over very well.
Artie said that Chris Rock is going to come in there and be hilarious and sometimes his movies aren't that good. Then a Will Ferrall comes in and is boring but his movies are very funny. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.
King said this new movie doesn't look all that great and he's not sure how it will do. He was also saying that he kind of stumbled on Chris' house and said that it's beautiful. He said the house isn't too far from his house. He was also saying that Lil Kim's house is also up in that area so he wants Howard to ask him if he does live near her. That way he'll know if he found Chris' house or not.
Howard is wondering what's up with Chris Rock's marriage. That led to the guys talking about marriage problems. King thinks that money can help some marriages out but Howard said that's not what it's all about. Artie said that money doesn't keep a couple together usually. Howard wrapped up with King and let him go after he tried to be funny a little too much.
Howard had a clip from American Idol where Dianna Ross said ''Pronounciate'' a bunch of times. She was saying it loudly and saying it as if she was right. Howard said he knows he's not that bright but he wouldn't say words like that if he didn't know for sure he was right.
Howard said Tim Sabean's spelling is the worst and he finds it hard to believe that a guy as bright as he is can screw up his spelling the way he does. Robin said it's a good thing that people don't send letters anymore. Howard said Tim sends a lot of mail on his Blackberry so Robin thought that it was the keyboard that was causing the problem. Howard said that's not the case.
Howard said today is Gary's birthday so he sent him a note the other day. He was going to send him a note about a gift certificate he was sending him for a restaurant but he wasn't sure he could spell restaurant so he just told him to go have a good dinner.
Howard and Gary talked about Dianna Ross and said that she was looking pretty good on that show last night. They seemed surprised that she's held up that well over the years. Fred told the guys that he just looked up ''Pronounciate'' and it is an actual word. Howard apologized but also said he's not sure that she's using the word correctly. He replayed the clip and still didn't think it sounded right.
Artie said that the chick he brought on stage was all drunk and she had some dude with her there at the show. She ended up mauling him at the show and her date was getting pissed off about the whole thing. He said that's one hassle he doesn't need at the show. This chick followed him into his limo where his mother and sister were waiting. He said she was sticking her tongue into his ear and stuff and he just couldn't get rid of her. Howard said if he really wanted her out, he would have found a way to get rid of her. If that was a dude, he wouldn't have let him into the limo.
Artie said the chick wanted to give him her phone number so she did that on his hand. She was all drunk trying to do it with his mother watching. She was telling him she wanted to fuck him so bad, right in front of his mother. He was annoyed by her but also made sure he had the right number.
Artie said Jim Florentine was with him on the way to the after party and he told him to just fuck her. He ended up calling the chick but her boyfriend answered the phone. He invited both of them to the after party. They both showed up and they were hanging out in this back room. He was talking to another hot chick and the drunk chick came over and started licking his face and stuff. She was still drinking a lot and she was drinking him under the table.
Artie said the drunk chick grabbed his cell phone and started looking at the numbers for Bob Saget and David Spade which were in the phone. He asked for his phone back but she said she was giving him her number. Then Florentine comes over to him and tells him that her boyfriend is there and he's pissed off. He warned him not to kiss her or anything. Artie told Jim to tell the guy to just grab his girl and get out of there.
The boyfriend then came over and gave her the finger and started cursing her out right in front of him. Artie told the guy to just get her out of his life if he didn't want her. The girl continued flirting with him but eventually she leaves. The next morning he got a text message from the chick who said she lives in New York and now she wants to get together with him. Artie said he's going to just try and get as much pussy as he possibly can. Howard said he's glad to hear that.
Artie said he hopes that dude isn't a maniac and doesn't come after him or anything. Howard said the dude probably wants to hold onto the hot chick. Artie said these broads just don't seem to care when it comes to the famous guys.
Artie said that the chick he's talking about was really hot. She's a little Italian broad, she's 23 and she was hot. He said he would have made out with her if her boyfriend wasn't there. Howard liked that his mother was there and he was making out with her in the car. Artie said he wasn't making out with her, she was sticking her tongue in his ear. Howard wondered why his mother was there. Artie said it's because they were at Symphony Hall in Boston. It was a big show and his mother wanted to get out.
Artie said he's bigger than he's ever been but this fame thing is amazing because chicks still want to bang him. Howard said he was on a tear after his divorce went through and he was going from one famous chick's house to the next when he was out in Malibu. Artie told Howard he could be going through a lot of famous chicks still. He said it would be an amazing career move for any celebrity chick.
Howard said he went to a party shortly after he was divorced and he had two actresses fighting over him. He said that one of the chicks grabbed him and brought up to a bathroom and wanted to blow him. He said it was amazing that it was happening. He said he was pushing people to the side trying to get to the bathroom.
Artie talked about David Spade trying to pick up a famous chick they were working with one time. He said that he never understood why he'd want a famous chick when he could be banging any hot regular chick. Howard said he kind of gets it and understands why that might go down. He said there's something really exciting about having a chick you've seen in the movies coming after you like that.
Artie said he had friends who were good with women and would get more chicks than he was getting even though he was on MAD TV. He said his friends weren't famous, they were just good with chicks. Howard said he heard a story from a famous chick who had a meeting with a producer one time who showed up in his underwear to a meeting. He wanted her to blow him but she claims she didn't do it. Howard said he can't imagine living with himself making someone do something like that. He said he could never live with himself if that's the way he handed out parts for movies.
Howard said it really pisses him off when he sees Howard TV stuff up on YouTube because the people at Howard TV have put up a lot of money to produce those shows. He read through and article about the Viacom law suit. In the article they contend that there are over 160,000 videos up on the service and they've been viewed over 1 billion times.
Gary came in and said he was trying to track down this chick that was hitting on Artie over the weekend. He said he went through her message system but her voice mail is full. He said he figures that she's a little insane after going through all of that.
Howard read another article about the YouTube thing where Google claims that the courts will find that they're not guilty of any wrong doing in this case. He said that's bullshit. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard heard that Tim was expanding his meals because he's so hungry now. Gary said that one of the guys in the contest has been filling him in on what Tim has been eating. He started eating 6 meals a day but those meals are getting bigger and bigger. He also talked about how Tim was on this Zone diet and he was eating those meals and then going out to eat at restaurants.
Artie said his manager is a big fat guy. He went out to a breakfast meeting with an NBC guy one time. They were all waiting around to order and there was an awkward silence. His manager broke the ice by saying that he had been good all week and he was going to order the pancakes. He and the NBC guy were wondering where that came from.
Howard had Lisa get back to her news stories. She said that Jason came to the news department and told them to check out the Benjy story because there was no way he could have lost the 20 pounds in 6 weeks. Benjy said he knew that he'd be accused of cheating because of the way he loses weight. Gary said it's not just Scott the Engineer who's upset about the weight loss. Jason thinks that he may have done something shady. They were pointing out that Benjy had asked for people to be checked for cheating.
Jason came in and said he doesn't believe that Benjy has cheated but so many people told him that there's no way he could have lost 20 pounds in a week. Jason said he can't imagine that he cheated but that's what people are telling him so it was bumming him out yesterday. Howard asked him what he thinks he did. Jason wasn't sure and asked Benjy to tell them what he did to lose that much weight. Howard said that he ate and drank as much as possible before the contest and he was able to lose it. Jason lost 13 pounds in that first week so Benjy told him that was pretty amazing as well.
Artie said that he could lose weight just as fast as Benjy does and he's going to try and lose 20 pounds by next Monday. Jason said that Artie is going to be out in L.A. over the weekend so Artie said maybe he'll try to do it later. Jason said he really doesn't think that Benjy cheated. He never said he did. Howard said that Scott the Engineer is running around claiming that Benjy had weights shoved up his ass or something. Howard said if he did do that, he deserves the $20,000 right now. Artie said he's thinking of catching AIDS to lose weight.
Lisa G got back to her news rundown. She said it appears that Gary has caught NASCAR fever after going to a race over the weekend. Howard got a call from Gary who told him that he loved the race he saw. He said Gary thinks that he'd love it if he went to see a race. Gary said Howard found it hard to believe that he actually liked it. Howard said Scott Greenstein grabbed Gary yesterday and asked why they didn't talk about that stuff on the air yesterday morning. Gary said he wonders if that's how the news department got the story. Lisa claimed it wasn't. Howard talked up the NASCAR coverage that SIRIUS is doing now. They have different channels for the different driver's radios.
Gary said he was in Tony Stewart's pit at the race he was at and was only about 2 feet away from the car when it came in for a pit stop. Gary said he ended up watching a race while he was flying home on Jet Blue. Howard goofed on him about that but Gary said he has to sit through his chess stories so he has to put up with that stuff himself. Gary said he's going to keep watching those races and he's going to see a race live in Richmond. He told Artie that he should come to see it too. Artie said he might go to just hang out. He also said that they could just go out to 7th Ave and watch the cars driving by there too.
Lisa mentioned that Artie is on the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner that's out on DVD now. Artie said you get to hear him call Janeane Garofalo a cunt in that DVD. They put that back in for the DVD release.
Howard and Artie were goofing on Gary about the whole NASCAR thing for a short time. Howard was doing his impression of Gary talking to him over the megaphone. Artie was goofing on him about bragging that he had met Tony Stewart's pit crew.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave Artie some ''Wah's'' over his problems with the hot chicks. The caller said the chick probably just wanted to get to the after party but Artie said he thinks she was really into him. He said he knows what the guy is talking about though. He said some guys will send their chicks to him to get into those parties. Artie said he thinks the chick is taking the scam a little far if she's keeping it up.
Richard called back another time the week after and did the same thing to them. He pretended he was unable to think of what he wanted to talk about and kept going ''Uhhhh'' over and over. The show let him keep going on and on for minutes at a time instead of just cutting him off. They eventually did cut him off but he had wasted a few minutes of their show. Then they hung up on Richard and Sal called in. He jerked them around for a few minutes himself. They had to cut him off because they ran out of time again.
Howard said that Chris' wife hates him so that's probably why he can't get the personal relationship going with him. Howard said he ran into Chris and his wife out at a restaurant one night and he was with a black woman so you'd think that would have softened her up. It didn't work. Chris said that he loves Howard and he's told his wife that if he was on the radio for 5 hours a day, he'd be just as disgusting as Howard is. Howard said his act is kind of disgusting though.
Howard said he thinks he may have a problem with Chris and he might lecture him too much. Chris said he might respect Howard too much. Artie said that Howard does lecture a lot so that could be the problem. Howard said he does think he knows a lot of stuff and he doesn't know when to stop.
Chris asked Howard what he's thinking with this whole marriage thing. He asked him why he's going back to Shawshank and why he'd get out of that and then go back. He said that he's making a mistake and he's going to ruin this girl's personality by doing that. He told Howard that his girl isn't going anywhere. Chris wanted to know what he did that made him come to that conclusion. Howard said they've been together for 7 years now. Chris cut him off and kept asking him why?
Howard changed the subject and asked Chris about his new movie ''I Think I Love My Wife'' which is coming out soon. He said he read the press notes about how Chris decided to remake this movie that was actually a French movie. They were all over the place with different subjects after that. Howard said that Chris has gotten into that Oprah camp and was helping out down in New Orleans after Katrina. He asked him what it's like to have Oprah as a friend. Chris said they're not that close but he will call her and talk to her once in a while.
Howard asked Chris how he gets invited to go to South Africa with Oprah. Chris said that they hair to pay for their own airfare but once they were there, all of the stuff was taken care of. Chris said that most of the people down there were Oprah's black friends other than John Travolta. Oprah put everyone up at a hotel and they all just hung out. Chris said they all got in touch with their blackness down there. Howard wondered if he hung out with Gayle King. Chris said he actually hung out with Chris Tucker.
Robin asked Chris if the trip to South Africa got him to stop using the N-word. Chris said that hasn't happened and he threw out the N-word a couple of times. Howard asked him if it's hard for him to do stand-up now and try out new material since people expect so much from him. Chris said he went to a couple of clubs on Sunday night and did some stuff. He said most of it worked and he's working on going out on the road again.
Artie said Chris went on after him a few years ago and people went berserk for him. They're just happy to see Chris come up on stage. Chris said he goes out to clubs all the time to try stuff out. Artie said he used to watch Chris working out some of his material and he'd be doing it on a Tuesday night with 8 people in the club.
Chris said he was talking to Colin Quinn the other night after Richard Jeni blew his brains out. He said he wanted to call anyone who might be on that list of other guys who might blow their brains out and talk to them. Artie said he can put his name on that list. Chris said that Richard Jeni was a sad bastard even for a comedian. He said that the guy was the best of that class of guys from the mid-80s. He thinks that it was eating away at Jeni that people like Seinfeld went on to become such big stars.
Chris got back to Howard's engagement and goofed on him about that a little more. Howard told Chris that he's very happy and he's taking that leap because he is so happy. Chris told him to just throw her $10 million and get it over with. Chris said that Howard was so happy after his divorce. He said he represented happiness to him when he got that divorce. Chris said that this is even crazier than Jeni blowing his brains out. He said that and Gilbert having a kid on the way is crazy too. He said Howard's news was the most tragic of all of those stories.
Howard asked Chris what's going on with his marriage. Chris said he's married and he's still in that. He's not getting divorced like some articles said a while back. Howard said Chris can't get pussy on the side. Chris said he wasn't getting any except when he was separated from his wife. Howard went over the story about this woman who was trying to get money from him claiming that she was pregnant with his baby.
Howard gave Chris a plug for his movie which is coming out this Friday. He wanted to know what kind of pressure he was under but Chris turned it around on him and said he's the one getting married, he's going to be under pressure. He reminded Howard how miserable he was when he was stuck in his basement when he was married. Howard said he was kind of making him think but wanted him to stop. Chris continued to goof on Howard and this whole marriage thing. Howard wondered what it is that makes women turn when they get married. Chris said that its' the title that the woman gets. A girlfriend is always auditioning and that's why it's all good until the marriage.
Chris told Howard there's nothing good about making a woman your wife. He told Howard he's got all of that money and he's getting married. He thinks he's nuts. He doesn't think Howard should get rid of that option to go out and bang chicks. He should never give up that option. Chris said Beth is a great girl though. Howard said Chris' wife is gorgeous too but she's not what he'd call fun. Chris kept picking on Howard over and over about the marriage thing, reminding Howard just how miserable he was when he was married.
Howard was eventually able to change subjects and asked Chris about his mother suing Cracker Barrel over not getting served quickly. Chris talked a little bit about that. Chris turned the discussion right back to Howard's engagement when they were talking about his movie again.
Howard wanted to know more about the pressure Chris was under making this movie. Chris told Howard how he didn't even want to direct this movie but the movie company wanted him to do it. He said that Spielberg actually told him to try out the directing thing. He directed Head of State and Spielberg thought that he should direct more so he went with this one and tried it out. Howard said there must be a lot of pressure because it could mean the end of his career if it doesn't do well. Howard asked him how much he needs to make for it to be successful. Chris said he just needs people to like it. He said that Ebert and Roeper (Chris called them Siskel and Ebert) actually liked the movie.
Chris told Howard that if he just stays engaged that might be okay. Howard said he was really hating this interview because he feels like a douche bag. Chris was scaring him and freaking him out. Chris said that he was the Ghost of Pussy Past today. He said that he's going to be really miserable when Beth stops fuckin' him. Howard said they were really bumming him out. He said Chris knows what he's talking about and it was really scaring him. Robin said that Howard did this to Chris and to other people as well so now Chris is returning the favor.
Howard said when they do get married, they're going to keep it small. Beth has even said they want to keep it just an engagement. Chris said that's what they should do then. Robin told Chris that Howard didn't have anything better to get for Beth on Valentine's day. Howard said this was really a rough day for him. Everyone was piling on top and pounding the marriage thing into him.
Howard asked Chris about his mom suing Cracker Barrel again and wondered what he did when he heard about it. Chris said she does have her own radio show and stuff. Gary asked him if it freaked him out when his mother went and got Al Sharpton involved. Chris said he just goes into his basement and looks at his fish tank... like Howard used to do in his basement. Howard said he had a 7,500 gallon tank in his basement and he got it just before the divorce. He figured Chris was getting to that point but Chris said they're doing fine.
Chris said he's got a 2 year old and a 4 year old so Howard told him he's got to hang in there for at least one more year. Chris got back to the movie career and said that he hopes that people just like this movie of his. They have some hot chicks in the movie and spent a minute talking about that. Howard asked Chris about the chicks and tried to find out if Chris was in love with his co-star. Chris figured Howard was trying to get him back. Howard said he's looking at Chris and figures he fucked her. He asked him if he did that and if he fingered her. Chris said he doesn't have feelings for her at all. There are lots of gorgeous girls out there and he's not fucking any of them.
Howard got a hold of a picture of Chris' co-star and said she's got a great ass. Howard said Chris has to be lying and the picture was actually from his trailer. Howard got back to the Oprah discussion and told Chris that he was hanging out with Oprah's friend Gayle King at a party one night. He said they had a meeting of the minds that night.
Howard asked Chris about Richard Jeni since he was pretty close to the guy. Robin said it was kind of wrong that he joked about his death on Letterman the other night. Chris said that Richard would have told people to go see his movie if he was still around when he was on Letterman.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Chris kind of screwed him over this morning with the marriage talk. He also asked Chris about his wife hating Howard and figured that she probably dislikes Chris as well. Howard said that could be right.
Howard asked Chris how much porn he's got in his house. He said he really doesn't keep it in his house because it's so easy to rent that stuff. Gary said they could give him a box of stuff if he wanted it. Chris told a story about Rick Rubin giving him a crate full of porn one time and how pissed off he got after not leaving his house for four days watching porn. He said he passed that crate along to Mario Joyner and he called him up 4 days later angry that he had given him a crate full of porn.
Howard asked Chris about doing coke and found out that he has tried it. During that discussion Chris mentioned Dice's reality TV show and how sad it was to watch. He said he likes Dice but that show is depressing. The caller on the line asked Howard to give a date for when Chris is going to actually leave his wife. Howard said it will be one year from today. Chris said that they've been telling him that for about 10 years now.
Howard gave Chris a plug for his movie and Chris really appreciated the way he was all business when he gives a plug for something. Chris said that if the movie fails, he'll be looking for seat next to Artie. He said maybe he can sit in the next time Artie is in rehab. Artie asked him what he's doing next week.
Howard asked Chris what other comedians he thinks would have blown their brains out before Richard Jeni. Chris said it is kind of odd that Carrot Top is still walking around while Jeni is dead. He also mentioned Yackof Smirnoff in that discussion.
The caller told Howard to play some of the Oprah audio clips they had there. Howard played the clips which were edited down from her audio book by Richard Christy. They had Oprah saying all kinds of disgusting things. Chris told Howard to just leave Oprah alone and said he can't imagine spending that much time editing those clips.
Howard asked Chris about doing Inside the Actor's Studio. Chris said it was kind of surreal doing that show. He said they shot about 4 hours of show and edited it down to 2 hours. Howard said he was offered that show and he thought it would be cool to do it. Chris said that guy will kiss his ass like crazy if he does it. Howard said his agent told him to turn it down so it looks like he won't be doing it.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Chris if he's into Scientology. Chris said he's not into that yet. Gary came in and said that Chris was saying that he had never seen naked chicks up there but they had a couple coming in shortly. Chris said he had to get going to do other radio shows. Howard figured his wife would have a problem with it. Gary figures that if they just brought the girls in, it would be fine. Chris said that's about right.
Howard told Gary to bring the chicks in. The naked basketball chicks came in a short time later. Howard introduced one of the girls, Nyomi Banxxx, to Chris and said she could probably rock his world. He said Chris looked kind of nervous. Gary said he looked like an 8th grader at the school dance. Chris said hello to the other girl, Olivia, and then Howard showed him some of the video of the girls playing naked basketball. Howard said he didn't want to embarrass Chris and let the girls go a short time later.
Howard wished Chris luck on this new movie. He said he's very excited for him and he likes the premise for the movie. He said he thinks Chris is the funniest stand-up comic out there and he's said that for a long time. Artie said it is hard to think of anyone else who is as funny as Chris. Artie said it would be hard to argue that Chris isn't the best comedian ever. Chris said that Richard Pryor was probably the best. He and Artie talked about how great that guy was.
Howard said that Eddie Murphy was great but Chris has outdone them all. He said Chris' comedy album is the best of all time as far as he's concerned. Artie said that no one would think Howard was crazy for saying that Chris is the best.
Howard talked to Chris about Eddie Murphy knocking up Scary Spice and wondered what he thought about that. Chris said it's fine as long as you're not married. Howard took a call from the guys in the back who had some James Brown audio clips. They had James telling Chris how great he was. That led to Chris talking about how he had worked with James Brown on Miami Vice about 20 years ago and how much fun that guy was. He said he had a guy who combed his hair for him. He said one day he had James grab his hair and tell him to put vinegar in his hair and turn it. He had no idea what that meant.
Howard said that James Brown had people around him who had to call him ''Mr. Brown'' all the time. He lived like a star. The guys talked about Brown for a few minutes and some of the crazy stuff he did in his life. Howard let James Brown go and Chris said that if the guy was still around and actually on the phone, the interview probably wouldn't have been any different.
Howard wrapped up with Chris and wished him luck with the movie again. He wondered if he's going to have a bad weekend if the movie doesn't do well. Chris said he'll be cool either way. They spent a little more time talking about how the marketing departments work with movie companies. Chris said when they were casting for Lethal Weapon 4, they made up a poster with a bunch of guys on it and the guy who got the most excitement from the audience got the part. That's how Chris got the part in that movie.
Howard took a couple more calls before going to commercial break. One guy thought it was great that Chris came in there and gave Howard the right hook over the marriage thing. Howard talked about how horrible marriage was for so many years and it was great to hear him getting some of that back. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said in the old days they had to do a lot of commercials so now they don't have to do that and they can do an interview for over and hour. He said that guy is a good dude and he really likes him. He changed subjects and mentioned the weight loss contest they have going on. Benjy got in a couple of plugs for Cylaris weight loss since that's what he's using. Artie came in a short time later with some cupcakes. Benjy said that the other team actually has meetings.
Howard said he wasn't sure about this naked basketball thing. Artie said it wasn't all that hot because they had Sal and Richard running around naked too. Howard said he'd get to all of that a little later. He took a call from a guy who was looking for a clip of Sal dancing around as Gary. Mike Gange said that it's part of the March 1st show but they're going to put it up as a separate show as well.
The caller asked if they cold make the text for the shows searchable on the Howard.tv web site. Mike Gange said he'd ask their web site people if they could do that. Howard spent a little more time talking to that caller who also asked him if he's ever had his family ask him for money. Howard said he really doesn't have any leaches in his life. Artie said he does. He said it's not his immediate family but there are some obnoxious motherfuckers who do ask him for money.
Artie said he had a friend who borrowed a bunch of money from him one time. The guy asked him for $2,000 when he was working on the Norm Show. He didn't have the cash on him so the guy asked for a check. Artie had a look on his face and the friend asked him ''Hey, what's with the attitude?'' like he was doing something wrong.
Robin said that she had this guy calling her saying that he had some important stuff to talk to her about. She finally took the call and the guy asked her for $2,000 to help him fix his Porsche. The guy hadn't spoken to her in years. Howard said he probably wanted her to know that he has a Porsche and that's why he called her.
Artie talked about the money that he loaned to Cabbie and how he had to write it off. Artie said that other friend of his never paid him back the two grand either. He said he's probably loaned that guy over 30 grand in total. Cabbie is another guy who he loaned a bunch of money to but he's only gotten $100 from him. He still owes him $900 but he figures he'll never see it. It's not like he needs the money but it would be nice if he paid him back.
Howard said High Pitch Eric appeared at his comedy show recently and he was supposed to give him $200 but only had 100 on him. Eric came looking for the money after that and he really didn't want to deal with that con-man.
Howard had this caller on the line who was talking about how Artie was talking over people during that Chris Rock interview. Howard said sometimes it's hard to know when to come in during that stuff. Artie said that he knows he talks too much but he was a huge fan of Chris' and he wasn't competing for time or anything. Howard said that there have been shows that he hears where they have too many people talking but sometimes it's not so bad. Artie said that it took him a while to figure out how to do this stuff because he started out not talking during guest visits at all. Howard has been very generous with the microphone so now he can talk more.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that he was looking for money last week and that's why he called Teddy looking for that $100 that Artie owed him. Artie said he should have told Eric to fuck off so he'd know what all of those people he's ripped off feel like.
Eric said that he might have diabetes now and he's going for some tests tomorrow. Howard told him he could get rid of his problems if he just stopped eating fried food and ate some fruit once in a while. Eric said that's what he's trying to do. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said they can send some video of the girls to the new media player they have up on HowardStern.com. He was also going to show some video of the game the girls played. The girls said they were kind of freaked out by Sal and Richard. They were playing naked and painting their genitals and stuff. Sal also put a cigarette in his penis and smoked it.
Howard asked Naomi about doing porn movies and how she got into that. She said she actually had a very supportive family and they told her they'd still love her no matter what she wanted to do. Artie asked her if she would blow him for $1,000. She said she probably would but she'd have to have him tested first. Artie said he just had an IQ test. She said that she would do that whole thing for $1000 and her boyfriend wouldn't mind, he might hit her if she didn't take it.
Howard asked Nyomi about the porn thing and found out that she's now 34 years old. She was doing modeling and acting and working in social services for a while. She has some kids of her own but Howard said she's still got a great body. She has a 15 year old daughter who knows what she does for a living. She said it was hard to explain it to her but she did. She said that she's a cutie and she's hoping she can guide her in the right direction.
Howard asked Nyomi about Artie's blow job and asked if she was serious. She said she was and she would do it for $1,000. Howard wanted to see her blow a banana to see her technique. She went ahead and did that and Howard said he was getting horny watching that. He said she was just using her tongue and no hand. Howard figured he'd be done in a second. Artie said he was already done and Olivia said she was getting wet watching that.
Howard said that Nyomi is a very hot black woman but she claims that she doesn't get treated fairly compared to other porn stars. Olivia said that she has some friends who make as much as her and it depends on what the agent is doing. Artie said that agents suck and they don't do anything. Artie said that the girls are really good looking and Olivia has some really nice tits.
Howard asked Nyomi if she would be willing to ride the Sybian. She agreed to do it even though she had just heard about the machine. She didn't know much about it. She wasn't naked yet so Mike Gange asked her to get naked first. She stripped down and showed her ass. Howard she had some ass on her. She also showed her boobs and said she went from a B-cup to a D-cup. Gary pointed out that Fred had walked out of the studio when the girls got naked. The guys all talked about how he does that every time a girl gets naked in there.
Howard said Nyomi was totally naked at that point. Artie was ready to give her ten grand to blow him at that point. Howard asked her to describe everything she was feeling while she was on there. Gary started out the Sybian at a low speed and slowly turned it up. Howard told her to find the right spot on there. She said her clit is really big so she was trying to find the right location for it. Howard told Gary to turn up the volume and get her going. Nyomi started moaning and yelling as she was getting off. Olivia said this was exciting and she could feel her feet vibrating. Nyomi was yelling as the machine was vibrating her. She asked Gary to turn it down. Artie said ''Let's fuck!'' when he saw that.
Gary said that she was skeptical at first but then it hit her the right way and she went nuts. Nyomi said she had to stop because she might have squirt if she kept going. Artie said she's really sexual. Howard thought she was screaming as she was looking at his face. Howard said that she really shouldn't be a social worker acting like that.
Howard asked Olivia about what she does in porn. She said that she's done some pretty hard core stuff. She's done anal and some DP movies. She said she has some dirty fantasies and she's been able to do them thanks to the porn stuff. Gary said that Olivia had a bad experience doing anal in a movie so she's stopped that. She said that the guy who was doing her had a dick that was shaped the wrong way. He ended up trying to pound her and she ended up bleeding from being injured in there. She said it takes a long time to heal so it kind of ruined the whole thing.
Gary said that she only works with ''average'' guys now. Guys who are 6 inches or smaller. Olivia showed her boobs to the guys and Nyomi was feeling them. Artie asked if he could feel them because they did look nice. She let him go over and feel them so he went over and got some green icing on her from his cupcake. Howard said guys must freak out when they see them walking around. The girls said that guys hit on them all the time. Artie asked if wiggers hit on them all the time.
Steve also said they have an exclusive with the people at Master Tape Theatre. After that Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down the stories they'll be covering today like Chris Rock's visit and the naked basketball girls. They'll also talk about why Fred walked out at that point. Fred said he actually had to go squirt so that's why he walked out. He said he returned just in time to see the girl at her peak so it was good timing. Jon threw out that topic since Fred had kind of explained it. He ran down a couple more stories like the fact that Gary is now into NASCAR racing after going to just one race.
Artie said it seems like Gary is just being a shill for middle management there at SIRIUS. That pissed Gary off and he said he wouldn't do that shit if he didn't like it. That led to Howard and Artie goofing on him about how great it was for him to see a pit stop in Tony Stewart's pit. Howard said he had to watch his father change a tire when he was a kid and it wasn't so exciting. Artie said he'd pay more money to see Howard's father change a tire before he'd watch one in NASCAR.
Howard spent a little time talking about how his father treated him when he was a kid and how he never thought he could do anything right. He said he did learn to change a tire and has changed one but he has no idea what he's doing. Artie said he hates doing it as well.
Howard had Steve the Intern come in with his Intern Show preview. He said they have former intern High Pitch Mike Morales coming on the show tonight. They'll be talking to him about Siobhan sitting on his face and how he competed in the Intern Beauty Pageant. They also found some tape of Mike saying some things that might be considered kind of racist. They'll have that and more on the show tonight at 7pm on Howard 101.
Artie was saying that Steve was drinking a lot when he was out with him. Howard told him that maybe he should take it easy on that stuff and not drink so much. Steve said he's doing fine and he's been drinking for a long time so he knows what he's doing. Howard had Robin get into her news right after the show previews.
Howard doesn't think that Riley will be going anywhere. He said that they've gotten about 50 e-mails from people asking them to keep him on. Artie joked that he paid 40 of his friends to write in as a goof. In one audio clip a caller was telling Riley that he had burned out on Howard and started listening to Riley. The caller was very boring but Riley kept him on. Howard said Riley is trying hard to keep his show on and he's keeping callers like that on.
Howard had Robin get back to her news but got back to Riley again a short time later. He had a clip of a caller telling Riley that he's full of shit. Riley defended himself on that.
Robin got back to her news and went through a bunch of stories. Howard and Artie ended up talking about the stock market. Artie was saying that the market is straight up gambling and he doesn't like doing it even though he's been told it's not all that risky. Howard said he hates dealing with it even though he owns a lot of stocks. He was saying that he didn't make any money off the Viacom stock he had even though they're a huge company with tons of physical things they could sell off if they had to but meanwhile, Google is nothing but worth hundreds of dollars for each share. He said he just doesn't get it.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show at about 10:55am.
Howard started off the show talking about what they had coming up this morning. He have Andy Richter coming in and the guy who did Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy may also be calling in. He said Greg Fitzsimmons will be in and they'll play the Gossip Game with Mike Walker.
Howard said he was watching American idol last night and said that Sanjaya is still in it. He said the person they should have sent home was Diana Ross. He asked JD if he could get him some audio of Diana on the show. JD said he was actually pulling the audio and should have it in about 5 minutes.
Robin asked what JD is doing with his hair because it's some kind of weird red neck type of hair. JD said he's not even sure what to do. He said some people tell him to keep it long so that's what he's been doing. He said he'd like to get it cut though. Howard asked him if he's keeping it that way for the family reunion. JD laughed and said no. Howard and Fred went into their JD impressions and goofed on him for a few seconds.
Howard asked JD what he was doing with his hair. JD said Beth helped him out and he kept it that way until it got too long. Howard told him to go get him his audio clips and stop telling him his fucking problems.
Howard took a call from Eric the Midget and he told Robin to stop talking. Howard told him to keep it in his wet PJ pants and hold on. Howard and the guys talked about Chris Rock's interview yesterday. Howard said he and Beth were talking about the engagement and Beth was telling him to just keep it an engagement as long as he wants.
Howard read some e-mail about the Chris Rock interview from yesterday and people went off on him over the engagement thing just like Chris was doing. He read through a bunch of mail and there were a few people who were kind of happy that Chris gave it to Howard the way he did.
Artie asked Howard if he would do it if he had a great offer to play a villain in a movie but he was up against someone else. Howard said no to that as well. That led to him bringing up Artie talking about how he really wants to get a hit sitcom on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Artie said he would love to have a hit sitcom because he's done one in the past for a couple of years and that bought him a house.
Howard played the audio of Artie talking about how he would leave the show to take a sitcom job because it would be a roll of the dice he'd have to take. Artie said he's not the one who brings up that stuff on the show, it's the callers who ask about it.
Howard asked Artie what's up with his sitcom deal. Artie said nothing is really going on but he has been offered one script. He was going to play the best friend in the show and it's being produced by the Farrally brothers. He said the one script was actually taken away when they decided to go with a black dude.
Everyone was talking over Eric as he was trying to get his thoughts out about this Sanjaya guy. He's afraid it's going to ruin the American Idol tour. Howard tried to convince Eric to come over to the dark side and help them vote that guy in each week. Eric wants nothing to do with that. He doesn't think that guy even wants to be on the show. Howard said it's up to the voting public and they want him in. Eric told them to stop voting for him. Everyone said ''no'' in unison.
Robin told Eric to call Johnny Fratto and ask him to take care of it. That led to the guys playing Eric's call to Johnny where he tells him to find this guy Jerry and ''you know what to do, you know what to do'' as if he were asking for a hit on the guy. Robin said that Eric has been a home run three times this week with all of his calls. Eric said they are all misinterpreting that call he made. Howard said they're not misunderstanding anything and they know what he was asking for in that call. Artie said that Johnny thought he was asking for a hit. Eric thinks that Johnny was just going along with Howard.
Eric said that Johnny let his phone number get out over the air so he had to change it. Howard said they're going to keep Sanjaya in the show. He asked the audience to keep him in but Eric thinks that he's going to be voted out. Eric said the kid can't sing at all and he's annoying so that's why he wants him out of there. Robin said that Taylor Hicks was annoying and couldn't sing either. Eric said they don't want that mistake two years in a row.
Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard had made with Eric's voice. That led to Eric getting pissed and saying that those guys aren't funny with anything they do. He said he saw their stand-up and they really sucked. Eric was also saying that he was upset with Howard for saying that he should have gone to the hearings with Mel Karmazin to get some sympathy. Howard went through that again and talked about what that might have been like if Eric had gone with Mel.
Howard told Eric that Sanjaya is going to be the next American Idol and there's nothing he can do about it. Eric said he hopes not and asked Howard what he's going to do if he's voted out next week. Howard said he's already been in it too long and he thinks he's going all the way. Howard asked Eric if he went crazy when he saw that he was still on. Eric said he was just upset he couldn't call in and gloat that he was gone.
Howard asked Eric who he voted for. Eric said he didn't vote for anyone. Howard spent a little more time talking about how bad Diana Ross was on the show last night. He was going to play that for everyone. He let Eric go a short time later and Fred played an ''Eric the Midget Man'' song parody to the tune of Popeye the Sailor Man music. They also played Sal singing an Eric the Midget theme song.
Howard played the audio of Diana Ross performing on American Idol last night. There were some backup singer who started the song off before Diana came out and started her singing. Howard said it didn't sound so bad today but it wasn't so great last night. He said she sounded like a screaming mimi on the show last night. Howard said Eric the Midget didn't think it was so good. He and Fred did a little bit of their Eric impressions.
Howard mentioned that they have a couple of new shows up on Howard TV. They have the Bubba's Wedding special up there as well as the naked basketball. Artie said he saw the Bubba special and thought that was very good. Howard and Robin asked Artie if that inspired him to start losing weight. He claimed it had. That led to the guys talking about the amount of food that Artie has been eating. Artie said that it's only because it's available. If he had pussy that available to him, he'd be getting laid instead of eating.
Howard had this hot chick that Artie was talking about yesterday on the phone. Her name is Lexie. She was sleeping yesterday when they called her. Lexie said that Artie said some things that were wrong. She said she wasn't in the front row like h said. Artie said she walked up to the stage after the show. She said that was right, she snuck up there.
Lexie said that she did go against her boyfriend's wishes and went back stage. She said that she also thinks that Artie was lying about making out in the limo. Artie said that he has millions of witnesses who saw her biting his face and stuff. She said she doesn't think any of that stuff happened. She said she doesn't think she ever kissed him on the mouth either. If that didn't happen, Artie wanted to know why her boyfriend got so angry with her. She said he was mad that she wasn't telling him what was going on.
Howard asked Lexie if she was a cock tease or if she was going to fuck Artie. She said she's not going to fuck him. Artie asked her about the text message that she sent to him. She said she read that again and she didn't say that she was asking him out or anything. Artie asked her if she's in a serious relationship with that guy. She said it is serious, she's been dating him for 3 years.
Artie told Lexie that she was really embarrassing her boyfriend that night. He talked about how the guy got in her face and gave her the finger and called her a slut that night. Howard asked Lexie why she's hitting on guys like Artie when she's with some dude. She said that she wasn't trying to pick up Artie, she was just talking to him about how funny she thought he was. She also asked Artie to go out and get a drink or something.
Howard said that if his girlfriend was doing that with some dude, he'd be pretty pissed. Artie said he doesn't need another friend. He said he could easily misinterpret that whole thing. She said she can understand that but that's not what she was going for. Artie said that if he were her boyfriend, he wouldn't be with her anymore. Lexie said that she's been with that guy for 3 years and he doesn't give her much freedom. She said she goes out with him every night and he doesn't give her much time alone.
Artie said he has Jim Florentine who could verify this story if they wanted. Howard said that if Lexie is feeling trapped in that relationship she should get out of it. She said that she didn't mean that she didn't want to be in it. Artie said that she's only 22 years old and when she drinks she obviously gets a little crazy. Fred asked her why she was putting her phone number into Artie's phone. She said she just wanted him to have it. Artie said he'd rather hang out with Nick DiPaolo than hang out with this chick.
Howard told Lexie that she needs to see a psychiatrist because she's not making clear decisions. She didn't think that was true but the guys continued to lecture her about what she did. Lexie said that her boyfriend is a huge fan of Artie's and he wanted to be at the after party just as much as she did. She said she knows that she was an asshole and she wishes that she wasn't so drunk that night. Artie told her to do her boyfriend a favor and maybe break up with him and go sew some of her wild oats and get married at 28 or something.
Howard asked Lexie if she gets it on with chicks. She said that she does do that sometimes. She has some college girls that she gets it on with. She said her boyfriend is always on her back about that. Howard pointed out that she was complaining about her boyfriend again. She said she's not sure what to do about that.
Howard found out that Lexie works for a gym with promotion and she does the lesbian stuff to get members. She said that's not in her job description though. Howard asked if the boyfriend ever hooked up with those chicks. She said he doesn't. Howard asked if he was there so he could talk to him. The guy, Rob, was there so Howard had her put him on the line. He then told Rob that maybe he should break up with this chick and go out and bang some other chicks. Rob said that he's kind of out of control himself. Rob said it was just a bad night that night. Howard wished him luck and told him to let them know what happens. Artie wished him luck as well.
Howard let Rob go and spent a little more time talking about that night Artie had the chick coming on to him. Artie said she was so much different that night when she was drunk. He said it has to be torturous to have a girl acting like that when he goes out.
Howard let Larry go and said that Adam Carolla had called him last night. He said Adam has an entry in the Tribecca Film Festival so they were talking about that. He actually wrote and made the film while doing his morning radio show. Howard said that you gotta do your thing. Howard said that it's too bad he didn't take the judging job at the film festival. He could have voted for his movie.
Howard said that Adam's whole staff was fired and they brought in Danny Bonaduce to work with him. Adam was glad that he's still standing after all of the other guys had been fired after replacing Howard. Howard did an impression of Adam talking to him with that nasally slow delivery that he has.
Howard talked about some of the guys that CBS hired and fired after he left. He said that David Lee Roth was given 8 million bucks to do that crap. Howard said he's going to go hang with Adam when he's in town for that film festival.
Robin asked what Larry was calling in for. Howard said he wasn't even sure and said he kind of blew him off. Fred played some more of Larry's songs after that. They had one where Larry sings about a woman with a yeast infection.
Howard said that they got a lot of feedback about the new prank calls that Richard has been making as ''Nervous Mark.'' he read through some of those e-mails. That led to Robin talking about how Richard had something removed from his nose and it turns out it was some pre-cancerous cells that they removed. He said it could have turned into cancer. They did a procedure where they froze his nose and killed off those cells.
Howard played the call that Richard made as Nervous Mark to a public access TV show. Richard said the looks on the women's faces was great as he was jerking them around. Richard called the show and wasn't able to get his thoughts out as ''Nervous Mark'' and wasted so much time doing it that they had to hang up on him because their show had come to an end. Richard called back the next week and did the same thing to them again. They ran out of time again and had to hang up on ''Nervous Mark'' once again. Then Sal called in and got them when he wouldn't talk about what he was supposed to be calling in about.
Richard said the call is really exciting because he tells Sal to call in and when he sees the phone ringing, he knows that it's Sal. Richard said he actually cut that call down because it went on for about 7 or 8 minutes. Howard said he wanted to hear it all and wondered if it would be good to play. Richard said they do go into some discussions about how he could go to an internet cafe. Richard said it might be best left off the air and just kept to the shorter version. Richard said they did start finishing his sentences though. Robin said it sounded pretty promising to her. Richard said he'd play that for Gary and let Gary make the decision. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard brought up Angelina Jolie who has just adopted another child. This one is 3 years old and she paid like $2 million to get him quickly. Howard said the kid had a name like Ham Fra or something and she renamed him Fung Fa or something like that. Benjy had read the story and said that the original name was something like Fong Quang and the new name was Pax Thong or something like that. Howard wondered what the difference was. He said it seemed like the same stuff to him. Robin said she's been renaming her cats to something she likes. Howard said he did the same thing with his dog. His dog was Reba and he didn't like that so he named her Bianca. He figured he could change her name again and she'd eventually respond to whatever it was. He said he just started calling her Irene a couple of weeks ago and the dog responded to that.
Howard said some people thought Robin was copying him when she renamed her cat ''Jennifer Aniston.'' She said that wasn't the case at all.
Lisa also said that Beth showed her new ring to the show Extra last night. Howard said she wasn't going to wear it but everyone wanted to see it so she just showed it. Howard thanked Lisa for that and let her go.
Andy said his first TV show was one of those development deals. He said he's kind of worried about Artie because they'll probably throw three shitty shows at him at the last minute and he'll have to refuse them and then he'll only get half the money he was supposed to get. Andy said they're kind of sneaky that way and they will throw all kinds of shitty shows. He said they could offer him the chance to play the retarded neighbor on a show or something like that.
Howard talked to Andy about that first deal he had to do a TV show. Andy said that one was ''Andy Richter Controls the Universe'' and he kind of liked that idea. Howard said he told Andy he was nuts when he left Conan. Andy said he remembers that well and it was always lovely to come in there time after time and have him goofing on him.
Andy said that he didn't set out to be an Ed McMahon type when he got into show business. He said he felt like he was being held back a little bit on that show and wanted to do more stuff. He wanted to be a comic actor so that's why he left the show. He said he never wanted to be himself either, he just wanted to act. He told Howard he met Conan through Robert Smigel who does the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog character. He said he was one of Bob's friends who didn't have a job so Bob helped him out.
Howard said he was against Andy leaving that show in the past but now he sees him out on his own and he thinks it might have been the right thing to do. Andy said that when he was on Conan they were doing a lot of comedy bits and stuff. There are other shows that have kind of moved away from that these days. He even said that they were actually canceled one week but they brought them back the following Monday.
Andy said when they started out they were doing a lot of shows. He claimed that he's still on medication from working so much back then. He said they were working ridiculous hours like 10am to midnight every day. He told a story about how they had done a really good show one night and how an NBC management guy had come in and told Conan that the show was terrible. They wanted them to mix it up and have Conan run into the audience and crap like that.
Howard said that when you don't have ratings you have to go to those meetings with the management guys. He said when you get big ratings, you can say fuck you to the management guys. He said he won't take a meeting now that he has that poser. He doesn't have to listen to those assholes now. Howard mentioned one guy, Bob Mounty, who would give him a hard time and suck on his teeth as he was talking to him. He said that would drive him nuts. Andy said Conan is good at talking to those guys. Howard said he used to take out his frustrations on Tom Chiusano but he was just paying for all of the other managers he had to deal with in the past.
Howard told Andy he could have been a good Ed McMahon and started to play some Ed McMahon clips that Richard edited from his audio book. Andy was familiar with those and asked to hear a certain clip that he had heard before. It was a really long one where Ed was talking about all of these disgusting things that went on at Carson's show.
Andy talked about what it was like working on Conan's show because he had a view of the celebrities behind their heads. He said he saw some strange things going on with the backs of their heads. He saw razor stubble on the back of Kenny Rogers' ears. He also saw some weird stuff going on with Tom Arnold's head. He said when supermodels would come on he'd see spider veins on their legs and that kind of made him happy. Howard said that would turn him off but Andy said he liked seeing that they were real.
Howard thanked Andy for talking him up in Entertainment Weekly. Andy said he wasn't trying to butter him up, he was just talking about how much he enjoys the show. Howard also said that Andy's wife thanked him in her book for helping her get through some recovery she had to go through. Andy said that she had a problem with her retinas becoming detached and discovered that after they had gone on vacation to Mexico. She had to have an operation and had to take it easy through all of that. She was listening to Howard through all of that stuff. Andy said there were about 3 months that he had to do everything for her.
Howard asked if it was true that Andy had been the biggest money winner on Celebrity Jeopardy. Andy said there were a couple of others who were higher than him. Howard asked him if he thinks he's smarter than Fred. Andy wasn't sure about that. Howard asked Andy a few questions to find out how smart he was. Here are the questions and Andy's answers:
Howard moved on and asked Andy about this new show he's doing ''Andy Barker P.I.'' which was actually Conan's idea according to Andy. Andy told Howard about what the show is about. He said it's a comedy of course and they have all kinds of goofy jokes going on in the show. Howard asked him if he's going to work his ass off doing the show. He said it really is a tough job because it's a one camera shoot and they have to work like 14 hour days.
Andy told Howard that Grey's Anatomy is what they're going up against so it might be a tough deal to get it going. He said they follow Scrubs though so they might do okay. He said they're going on for 30 Rock for 5 weeks and then they come back. Andy said if the show is a hit the network will buy him something like a briefcase or something. Artie said NBC treats the hit shows really well. They bought Porsches when they did really well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Andy was brilliant in Cabin Boy and wondered how he got that part. Andy told him they paid him so he did it. It was that simple. Howard asked Andy if he thinks that Conan still thinks he's taking over for Jay Leno when Leno's contract is up. Andy said if that doesn't work out, he thinks that one of those two guys is going to go to ABC. He said he's heard that Leno has been talking about going to ABC so maybe that will happen and Conan will take over for him.
They talked about that a little bit and then Howard played some more of those Ed McMahon clips and wrapped up with Andy. He gave him another plug for his TV show which starts tonight on NBC. He said the show has been getting great reviews so far. He went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who was supposed to be this guy who sent him a love song that was supposed to be about he and Beth. The guy didn't pick up so Howard just explained who he was. He said the song rally had nothing to do with him and it was obvious he was just trying to get the song played on his show. Richard came in and said that this guy cornered him in a bar in New Jersey and sang it to him accapela. Howard played the song ''Forever More'' but he didn't believe that it was about he and Beth.
Howard said he hadn't played the song because it was so bad. Artie said it was a ball-less, spineless, pussy, piece of shit. The song had no backbone or anything. Robin said it had no soul either. Howard fast forwarded through the song and got to the chorus and said that the guy is no Beatles.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Philly news stations are also blaming Howard for the American Idol thing. Howard wanted to hear the audio but the guy wasn't able to tape it. Howard said they really have to get serious and keep this guy in the show.
Howard said that the weather is really weird there in new York. It's supposed to be 60 degrees today and then they're supposed to get 3 inches of snow tomorrow. He said that's weird and the story that Robin mentioned earlier about the singer from the band Boston killing himself by starting two barbecues in his bathroom and suffocating himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has been driving a car for 20 years and had to thank him for the show. He asked him to play the ''Vodka, straight up, Thank You!'' audio clip. Fred found that and played the clip. Howard said he heard that chick is pregnant and getting married. Artie said that chick Lexie was just like that the other night.
A woman called in and asked Howard if he thinks that kid Sanjaya is going to be hurt if he gets to be the American Idol. Howard said he'll be fine and he'd even go to see him in concert if he won. The woman said that they're picking on this guy and it wasn't right to do that to him. Howard said she was bumming him out and he had to hang up on her before she changed his mind.
Howard then said he wanted to hear the worst songs. He played some of Pond Hockey's bad song. There was also one from a guy who sang a hymn to Marilyn Monroe. That one was awful. Richard said that came from a guy in Germany. He thought that guy might be the one who had been in the bathtub with Mark Harris.
Howard got sidetracked when he and Artie were talking about basketball and mentioned Patrick Ewing. Howard said he actually met Patrick and hung out with him at a Knicks game.
Howard talked to Greg Fitzsimmons a little bit. He worked with Artie at Symphony Hall up in Boston last weekend. Greg said that they were in this nice place while people were yelling at them to shut the fuck up. Howard said he had a clip from this news program that was interrupted by a porn clip. He said it was a cable news program that was replaced with some hard core porn. Howard said he'd like to call this woman who complained about seeing it on her TV. Artie said that might be as bad as Mike Gange sending the porn tape to some friends of Howard's family.
Greg had never heard the story about Gange sending this tape so Howard went through it quickly. Howard explained how Mike was working for him years ago and was taping Seinfeld for him. This guy had asked for some Seinfeld tapes to watch while they were recovering from an illness. It turned out that Gange didn't erase the tapes before sending them and they ended up with porn tapes instead of Seinfeld. Gange came in and said he'd love to know what porno that was that made it to the woman. Howard said they didn't even call back after they got it because they were so shocked by it. Howard said he was beside himself with shame and embarrassment. The woman was really nice and thought this was his humor, not knowing it was Gange who fucked up.
Howard said Gange should have written a letter to her apologizing for what he did. Gange said he would have done that if he was asked. Howard said that he ended up rewarding Gange with a job at E! after that because he wanted him out of his house. That all led to the guys talking about how some of the people who work for Howard have never had real jobs. Benjy has never really had a real job. He was an intern and is now writing for the show.
Howard said that Benjy doesn't make all that much money working there. That led to them talking about how Benjy was afraid to ask for money over at K-Rock. Howard said Tom Chiusano said that he was going to fire him if he had asked for more money. He had him going for a few seconds but told him he was just busting his balls. Benjy said his pay was based on what he was making over at K-Rock so that's why he's not making much there.
Artie said that this show is great because the interns even get to pitch ideas and produce bits. Howard said that Jason and Will were interns on the show but they're working there now. They don't make a ton of money though because they were interns. Benjy said he's not totally happy with the money he's making. Howard told him that he'll never be happy until he leaves.
Gary said that JD is a guy who is really not making a lot of money. Howard said that he's even gone in and asked them to pay him more. JD just can't articulate what he needs so he can't get that raise he wants. Gary said that they had to do a performance review for JD. He said that JD wrote that he watches TV when he filled out his review. Gary said JD's form looked like a 3rd grader filled it out while Jon Hein's had an attachment and looked very professional. JD said he's not a business guy and Jon is.
Gary said that JD noticed that Vivica A Foxx had been trying to crowbar in that ''dropin it like it's hot'' phrase and he's put together bits where he gathers together a bunch of those clips. He would have included that in his performance review.
Gary told the guys about the kind of money he was making at NBC and how he got a nice raise when they moved to K-Rock but they would only raise it up by 2 or 3 percent a year based on the $15,000 that he started making at 23 years old. He said he really liked Tom Chiusano but when he went in and told him he wanted a raise because he was getting married, Tom told him ''I didn't tell you to get married...'' and it was really insulting and embarrassing.
Howard took a call from a guy who called himself Pinworm Paul. That led to Howard asking him how he got the pinworms because he sounded too old to have gotten something like that. He tried explaining it to Howard but he was bored by it and hung up on the guy. Greg said his kid had them and the way he found out was to wait until his kid was sleeping, pulled down the pants and saw squiggling worms in the asshole.
Howard had pinworms when he was little so he explained how his mother had to have him shit in a box to bring that to the doctor. He said he can remember seeing the worms squiggling around in his doody in the box. Howard said he had to hand that box of doody to his mother and she had to take it to the doctor. Howard said he used to have issues wiping and he would always end up with shit stains in his underwear. He talked about his mother washing the shit out of his underwear instead of just throwing them away.
Greg told a story about shitting his pants at a friend's house one time. He said he was going to throw the underwear into a dryer but decided to just throw them out instead. He put them in a bag and threw them out in someone's hard and realized that someone was going to find them. That reminded Howard about Ronnie shitting his pants when he was driving and how he ended up throwing them into a tree.
Howard told another story about being a little kid and shitting his pants. He remembered waddling home and burying his underwear because he was so embarrassed. Howard also talked about his mother taking his temperature anally until he was in his teens. He said she was still invading his ass when he was in his teen years and even his psychiatrist asked him if he felt invaded.
Artie said the worst for him was when he got strip searched when he went into jail. He said that was awful. Howard took a call from a guy who was in New york somewhere and it reminded him of this restaurant that he used to go to called McCluskys. He said he didn't remember the name but Jon Hein knew it because he used to go there as well. Howard couldn't stop thinking about his underwear being washed by his mother so he kept talking about that. That led to Greg talking about how his kids wipe.
Greg then admitted that he still takes a bath with his 3 year old daughter. Howard said that his giant dick is going to traumatize her if she keeps seeing that. Greg said he loves taking a bath with his kids and he doesn't see any reaction from her at this point. Howard and the rest of the guys thought that was very wrong to take a bath with his kids. Greg said he never even thought that it would be wrong. He said his brother-in-law was there with him and he always wore underwear in front of his kids.
Gary said that they used to goof on him for taking a bath with his bathing suit on. Howard said that he shouldn't have been taking a bath with them at all. He didn't need to be there in the tub with the kids. Howard asked Greg if his daughter has ever commented on his dick. He said she has talked about the hair she sees. Howard asked Greg if his father ever showed him his dick. Greg said he doesn't remember ever seeing it. That led to Greg saying that he didn't have his son circumsized because it's like genital mutilation. He doesn't think it's right. Howard agreed with him on that.
Howard gave Greg some plugs for some comedy shows he's doing. He also gave him a plug for his Myspace site Myspace.com/FitzDog. Howard then took a call from a guy who got in a plug for TheSternShowNetwork.com when he did a knock, knock joke. Howard later found out it was this guy Dan Wagner who wrote a book about him back in the 1990s.
Howard let him go and took some more phone calls after that. There was one guy who talked about how great Chris Rock was on the show yesterday. That got the guys talking about how great it was to have him on and just talking like a normal guy.
Howard said Artie was on the Wrap Up Show talking about how there are so few ''edgy'' comedians these days. Everyone is forced to go on these Kids Choice Awards shows and it's like they're all selling out when they do that. Howard played that clip and said he agrees with Artie on all of that stuff. Artie was trying to make a point in the clip and then Gary interrupted him. That led to Howard goofing on Gary for interrupting Artie while he was trying to make a good point.
Howard said Artie's point was well taken and it's true that there aren't any edgy guys out there. Howard interrupted that and asked Greg if he got a movie deal or something. Greg said he was on the Wrap Up Show the last time he was on and they talked about a movie idea he had written down during the show. That all led to a movie deal with some guy and they're trying to pitch the idea to the movie companies now. He told Howard about the idea and Howard said he could see it working. Greg said this producer guy loved the idea so they're working on that and also working on another movie that the guy asked him to punch up.
Greg said that this guy, Warren Zodd, is a big fan of the show and he even put George Takei in one of his movies. Howard asked Greg if it's true he just got diagnosed with ADD. Greg said he knew he had it but he never wanted to take medication. He said he went to a shrink who put him on some meds that screwed up his orgasm. He said he jerked off and felt the orgasm but nothing came out. Then about 10 minutes later splooge came out. He said he still has issues not being able to finish but he's still able to get an erection.
Greg said he's been able to concentrate and get more work done in the past few months than he ever got done in 15 years. Artie told him that orgasm thing could lead to trouble if he's in the tub with his kids when he orgasms. Greg did an impression of his kid saying ''Daddy's penis sneezed!''
Howard read some stats on how big porn is around the world. He said that porn is really the center of show business. He then asked the guys what they think about this guest he was offered. He got a note from this woman who wanted to have this Russian radio guy on the show. He's apparently the ''Russian Howard Stern'' according to the woman who sent in the note. Howard told Gary to book him, he wants to know how he can be the Howard Stern of Russia when they're still afraid to be free over there.
Howard had to take a break before getting to the Mike Walker game. He was about to go to break but then asked Artie where he's going to be this weekend. Artie said he's going to be doing Jimmy Kimmel's show tomorrow night. He said he's going to be the lead guest on that show. The second guest on the show is some hot chick by the name of Ashley Scott. He said he's had to follow some other guests in the past and he knows how awful that can be. He had to follow Eva Longoria the last time he was on. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he just watched the Howard TV special with Bubba the Love Sponge's wedding. He said that he's kind of bothered by all of the gay shit that Sal and Richard do. Howard said you can fast forward through that stuff though.
Doug Goodstein came in and got a plug in for the Naked Basketball special that will be available tonight. He said Sal and Richard do some more gay shit in that but they turned it into a whole sporting event and he thinks that the fans will really like it.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that they really should try to keep this Sanjaya kid on American Idol. Howard said he's going to do the best he can to keep that guy on the show. He even told Artie that he's got to start voting. Greg liked the idea if they were trying to put that show out of business.
Howard got Mike Walker on the line so they could play the Gossip Game. Howard gave him some plugs for his radio show and stuff like that before getting into the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Artie was telling Howard that he's really got to just learn to relax and retire when his contract is up. Howard said he's ready to retire when this contract is up. He said he was telling Adam Carolla how much fun he's having doing the show right now. He also talked about how miserable he was over at K-Rock in that final year that they were there.
Howard asked Greg if he was shocked to hear that Jeni had killed himself. Greg said it was a shock because you see a guy like that who really seems to have everything and then kills himself. He said he heard that a friend of his had spoken to Richard the week before and he was upset that his whole calendar wasn't filled with work.
Robin said she read that the family had put out a note about the depression he was in and how that was an illness. While they were on all of that, Howard's fiancee Beth came in. She showed off her ring to everyone who hadn't seen it yet. Artie was shocked at the size of it. He said that it's a bauble on her finger. Fred said it was the size of Beetlejuice. Robin told her it was gorgeous.
Richard told Beth that if she was a short, fat girl, she wouldn't be able to carry off that size ring. She also said she was saying that she and Howard are going to keep this engagement going instead of getting married after what Chris Rock said yesterday.
Greg asked Howard if he had an insurance policy on that ring before he walked out of the store with the ring. Howard said he had an insurance policy so he just had to add it to the policy. That was taken care of. Greg told Howard about a friend of his who lost his engagement ring when he took it off to play golf. The engagement was off 6 months later because of that.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said that he's seen Beth on TV a lot lately and she's been glowing since she got her ring. Howard was trying to talk to Beth but Bong Hit wouldn't stop talking so he hung up on him. Beth was getting flustered talking about how happy she is. Greg noticed how distracted Howard got when she walked in the studio.
Howard said that Beth seems to be getting more respect since they got engaged. Beth said even the door man at the building they live in has been giving her more respect. Howard mentioned that Beth is going to be guest co-hosting on The View on the 27th of this month. Beth said that Barbara asked her to do it and she's very flattered but she's not sure why America would want to hear her opinions.
Howard asked Beth to push his idea to keep that Sanjaya guy on American Idol. She said she's very against that idea and thinks that his parents should take him off that show after seeing what's going on with that. She said she's on Eric the Midget's side in all of that.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show rundown. Jon went through the stories that they'll be covering today. Jon had a bit of a stumble when he was trying to spit out his lines. He mentioned the Eric the Midget call and also Andy Richter's visit and Greg Fitzsimmons visit as well. They'll also talk about the fan-submitted music that Howard played earlier.
Howard played a bunch of the Ed McMahon clips that he was playing when Andy Richter was in earlier. That got Greg Fitzsimmons laughing his ass off. The other guys were also getting some laughs out of those. Greg wondered how they got ''fucked'' in those clips. Howard wasn't sure. That was all done by Richard Christy.
Howard tried rehearsing Beth for The View by acting like Elisabeth Hasslebeck. Greg was playing the part of Joy Behar and the two of them were telling Beth what they think of Howard. Beth thinks that Elisabeth is a sweetheart and the only reason she doesn't like Howard is because of what he's said about her. Howard told her she should tell Elisabeth about the Real Doll they're having made in her image. Beth won't be telling her about that.
Howard asked Beth what she thinks about Greg taking a bath with his kids. She said she doesn't think that's right. Howard told Greg he might want to stop it when his daughter gets some hair down there. Howard told Beth that Greg has a big penis and she wondered how he knew. Howard said he just heard about it. Greg said he showed it to some people and it led to people talking. Howard asked him how big he is. Greg said it just looks big because he's a skinny, small guy. He claims he doesn't know how big it is but he's had women compliment him on it. Beth said that Howard can hurt her sometimes so he's not as small as he claims.
Greg asked Beth about the engagement and how that's all going. They talked about that and Artie said he told Howard and Beth that they should adopt the African kid who lost his arms to get that diamond.
Howard went to Mutt who was on the phone to promote the Superfan Roundtable. Mutt said they'll be talking about the Chris Rock interview and what he was doing to Howard yesterday. They got sidetracked when Beth asked Greg how his marriage is going. Greg said it's great and he's been with her for 10 years now. He said that they had sex yesterday because she knew he was going away for 4 days.
Mutt said they're going to be talking about some of the other stuff that's been going on with the engagement and about Jackie coming in this week. Howard let Mutt go after he was done with the show preview. Superfan Roundtable airs tonight at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard took a call from a couple of people. One woman told Beth how happy she is for her. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said hello to Beth and also had some nice things to say about Howard. Double A called in to talk to Beth. Beth asked him how his dog is doing. He said the dog is good and he named the dog Hottie. Howard let him go, gave Greg some plugs and then had Robin start her news.
Robin mentioned the story about Brad Delp committing suicide by lighting two charcoal grills in his bathroom to suffocate himself. He was supposed to be marrying his girlfriend this summer. Beth thought that was pretty horrible.
Howard read an e-mail he got from someone asking what the name of the book was that he used to cure his back pain. Howard said it was ''Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection'' by Dr. Sarno. Howard said they're also getting a lot of mail about keeping Riley's show on Howard 101. He said Tim called Riley to do some negotiating with Riley but Riley said that Tim hates nig*ers and hung up on him. Tim came in a short time later and told Howard what happened. He asked Riley what he wanted in this negotiation. Riley wanted $5 million and $2.5 million for his partner on the show. Tim can't do that so Riley went off on him so he was actually the one who hung up on Riley. He said he's at $300 a week while Riley is at $5 million so they're stuck somewhere in the middle of that.
Howard played a clip of Riley talking to his fans about the negotiations and how they're not working with him and he's only got one more show left before his contract is up. Howard said Tim came to him and asked if they should have Riley do that final show because he'll probably just blast him. Howard said that's exactly why they would want him to do it.
Riley called in so Howard talked to him for a short time. Riley went off on Howard saying that he isn't looking for a lot of money, he just can't go on when he's got 20,000 calls an hour coming in while doing that show. Howard told Riley he has to talk to Tim about that. He let him go a short time later but didn't have a solution for the contract renewal.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he'd eat potato salad out of Beth's ass. He told Beth to admit to Howard that the sex life will be over when they get married. Howard asked if he could get a divorce if that does happen. Beth said she would want to end it if they stopped having sex. Beth said they could even put that in the pre-nup.
Howard took a call from himself at one point. The Howard on the phone was asking live Howard why he was getting married and why not just keep a girlfriend. The Howard on the phone kept repeating himself so Howard had to bail out of the conversation.
Bobo called in and said that he misses Beth in FHM magazine. SHe siad that's all over because FHM went out of business. Robin told Beth that Bobo was very upset about that because they replaced that magazine with ESPN magazine.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to sign up to get Howard TV but his local Comcast provider was asking him to pay for a full year. He said he thinks that would turn off a lot of people to subscribe. Howard told Doug Goodstein to look into that for him.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show mentioning that they had Van Halen stopping by. He said they'll be checking out some of their new music from their latest album. They'll also be talking to Bob Berkowitz who will be analyzing everyone's sexual fantasies. Fred was playing ''Hot for Teacher'' as Howard was talking about that stuff. Howard said he was going to be playing drums today but he was just joking around.
After the show yesterday Howard said he and the guys jammed for over 3 hours. They wrote a new song and they were going to be playing it live for everyone. He said they had the music down and John was supposed to be writing lyrics. Howard said Jackie got thrown out of the band because he had to go to a Henny Youngman lunch yesterday.
Howard said he was drumming for over 2 hours and he almost broke his thumb doing it. He was playing a lot of the instruments yesterday so KC was asking him how he learned them all. Jackie was goofing on Howard saying that he's equally good on all of them. Howard was ready to play for Robin so she could hear how good the new band is. He said the song is good and she'll like what she hears.
Howard said that they have an intern there who wants to meet Eddie Van Halen really bad but they're going to make him wear a jock strap while he does it. Jackie suggested that they have him get into vibrating panties. Gary told them that they had a dress and the jock strap for the intern to wear.
Howard said he wasn't sure where Stuttering John was, he was supposed to be writing those lyrics to the song they wrote. Howard came up with an incredible keyboard riff at one point yesterday. He said he was fiddling around with that a little bit yesterday. Stuttering John showed up so he told Howard he's going to be singing for them and they'll have a drum soundtrack to sing along to.
Jackie asked Howard to drum for them a little bit. Howard said he could do that even though his fingers were hurting. Gary came in and said he came in about 2 hours into that 3 hour jam session. They told him to sit down and listen to their ''hit record'' that they were working on. Gary said he had a lot of work to do so he couldn't stick around in there. He had to sneak out when Howard looked away at one point. He said he thinks Howard was serious about thinking he had a hit song too. Gary said that they did sound much better after that 3 hours of jamming.
Howard said he wanted to play the song but they didn't have a drummer. John said he wasn't supposed to be there until 7 o'clock. Howard wanted to get into it now though. Jackie wanted to play for them but Howard didn't want that. Stuttering John said this was no ''Pot Song.''
Mike was wearing gloves to keep his hands warm for when he drums. He said that place can be pretty cold at times so he has to keep the gloves on. Mike said he's been thinking about what to say to Eddie Van Halen but he's afraid he's going to screw it up. Howard asked him to come up with something to say to Eddie to practice but Mike didn't have much to say.
Mike said that he'd love to be Ed for just one day to be able to play like him. Howard told him to just chop off Eddie's hands and sew them on to his. Mike said that might actually work. Gary thinks that Mike would do gay stuff if he thought he could meet Eddie. Mike didn't think that would happen.
Howard asked Mike to play a little something on guitar for them. Mike got ready and pulled out his guitar that had a Superman logo on it. He said he loves Superman so that's why it's on there. He went into a little bit of Van Halen's ''Eruption'' but Howard told him to take a break and go practice. He played some of the actual song and it wasn't really close to the real thing. Mike wanted to play something else so Howard let him do that. Mike played a little bit of another song that no one recognized. Gary said he is a good guitar player but he doesn't get it quite right. Howard said it's because he's got big, fat fingers. He was actually trying to play ''Get Me a Doctor'' but, once again, it wasn't close to the real thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Mike to think like a guitar player since he wasn't able to play like one. Mike asked if he could play another song. Howard let him do that but it wasn't close to ''Run Around'' like he said it was supposed to be. They didn't have the real song to play though.
Gary asked if they wanted to see Mike in the other outfits they had for him. They had the jock strap for him to wear. Howard said he thinks that would be the best because his ass will be hanging out. He asked him if he thinks he sounds like Eddie. Mike said he tries to sound like himself, he's not trying to sound exactly like Eddie.
Mike went out and got changed and came back in wearing the jock strap. Gary got a good laugh out of that. Howard asked him how he felt in that. Mike said it was pretty breezy. Howard told him he prefers him in the dress. Gary thought it was getting close to being kind of gay. A caller told Howard to make him wear the jock strap so he looks like a total fag when he's playing for Van Halen. Another caller said Mike sucked and he should have tuned his guitar first.
Howard wanted Mike to talk to him as if he were Eddie Van Halen and say what he was going to say. Mike said he didn't know what to say and ended up asking him why his amp doesn't have handles on it. He also said he wanted to talk to Eddie about the album cover of 1984. He said he didn't get any sleep last night thinking about this day.
Howard tried taking some other phone calls and ended up goofing on one woman who he wasn't able to hear. She was trying to get Howard to hear him but Howard goofed on her a little bit and had her yelling into her phone. Then she was too loud so he had her quiet down a little bit. He did that back and forth a couple of times before he just hung up on her and went to break a short time later.
Gary came in and said that he remembered seeing Andy doing that Tony Clifton character and how he once had a Tony impersonator show up to some show. Howard explained that to Gary and said that Bob Zmuda would actually play the part once in a while. They would goof on people just so Andy could get a laugh while he was sitting at home and watching that going on.
Howard wanted to go off on Steve Allen because he had heard a clip of him earlier when they came back from break. Howard said they sent Gary Garver out to interview him at some event he was at. They asked him some serious questions about comedians because he loves to comment on people who are funny. He went right into the clip where Garver asked Allen who he thinks is funny. Allen said that might be a 4 hour answer right there.
Howard played Steve's answer but kept interrupting to comment on Steve's dopey thoughts. Steve goes on and on explaining comedy to Gary Garver. He talks about the jokes he writes and stuff like that. Howard explained how he used to be nice to this guy but then he started going around and bad mouthing him. He's not sure why that happened.
Howard said Steve only has balls when it comes to him. He won't bad mouth Woody Allen or anyone like that, only him. Garver asked Steve what he thinks about Howard and that's when he went off on him. He said he likes him personally but doesn't like what he does for a living. He said he's not a comedian or an actor... Howard interrupted and said Steve isn't a comedian either. He said that he's just a talk show host. Steve continues to talk about Howard's lack of talent. He said the only reason he's become famous is because he talks dirty. Howard said that this is a dumb man and he hasn't said anything dirty at all this morning. Then he slipped in a mumbled ''vagina.''
Garver asked Steve if he would consider writing a theme song for Fartman. Steve wasn't interested in that. Garver then asked him how he keeps his sex life going which didn't go over very well. He said ''in normal ways'' and then ended the interview.
Howard said that they were going to get into The Losers performance once their drummer got there. Jackie was still upset that he couldn't play drums. Howard said he just wants to get it over with and he might not be able to wait for their drummer to show up.
Howard said that he, Jackie, Fred and Gary all wrote down their sex fantasies and gave them to Bob. Bob read some of the fantasies to the guys and they had to try and figure out who wrote them. Bob went through the first one where the guy describes the scene with the guy and a tall blonde in an elevator where they proceed to do each other. The fantasy was very detailed and long but Howard let Bob read through the whole thing. They then took a guess at who wrote it. Gary guessed it was Fred because it was way too long and too romantic. Robin also thought it was Fred but Howard thought it was Jackie. It turned out it was Fred.
Bob tried to explain what the fantasy meant and how Fred seemed to want anonymous sex because he wouldn't have to have any emotional attachment. He said that it was interesting that Fred had the husband showing up after they had sex in the elevator. Bob told Fred that the story was very well written. Howard thought Fred had said he wanted the woman to smell like hot biscuits but it was actually hibiscus. Bob told him that his was the most interesting of the bunch.
Bob moved on to the next story that was about one of the guys banging a couple of high school cheerleaders. It was short and to the point. Robin guessed it was Jackie, so did Howard. Gary went with Jackie and Jackie said he thinks it was Gary because he was dopey enough to go back to high school and talk about that. It turns out it was Gary. Bob explained that Gary might be trying to rewrite his high school history in this fantasy. Gary said he was actually popular in school but he never got laid. He said that a lot of guys have fantasies about having more than one woman. Bob analyzed that fantasy a little more and said that Gary was having sex in the shower because he might think it was ''dirty.'' Howard thought it was weird that Gary was still thinking of high school in that way.
Howard said that he and Jackie are the only two left. Bob went through the next fantasy which was someone having a woman looking at him while he studies her. Everyone knew that it was Howard. Howard said that he actually had two fantasies so he told Bob to read the second one. Bob read that and said he would like to have a woman in front of a mirror so he could watch himself in the mirror while having sex with her from behind. Robin told him he was a sicko after hearing that. Bob said it seems that Howard wants to control women in his fantasies. He might not feel he has control in his real life so that's why he wants to do what he explained in the fantasy.
Robin said she thinks that Howard wants to make love to himself. Bob asked Howard why he wants to make a woman uncomfortable. He said he likes to make a woman feel self conscious about herself. He's not sure why that is. Howard said that women's discomfort amuses him. He's not sure why that is but that's the way he feels. They all continued to talk about that for a few minutes trying to figure out what Howard is thinking with that fantasy.
Bob moved on to Jackie's fantasy but he had to skip one of them because it was too dirty. He read the one he was able to where Jackie talks about wanting 3 women that he had slept with in the past. Howard said it read like a joke because he had three different types of women in it. Jackie says that he's on a golf course with his balls drooped inside a hole that's filled with wine. Then he describes what each one of the women are doing to him. Howard said it seemed that Jackie wasn't taking the assignment seriously.
Howard wrapped up with Bob after hearing some of his thoughts on what he talks about in his book ''His Secret Life : Male Sexual Fantasies.'' He went to break after that.
Howard called Rush a big, fat piece of garbage. He continued to red through the article and found some notes about Imus who is on 100 radio stations. He said he's actually been kicked off of most of them though. He said Imus always claims he has millions of listeners but he doesn't believe that's true.
Howard asked John what this song is about. John said it's called ''Skunk'' which is about weed. It's not obvious that it's a pot song though. Howard wanted to have The Losers play live but Jackie was still being left out of the band.
Howard said they had John singing, Fred playing guitar, Brian playing drums and himself playing keyboard. He said he really thinks they have a hit song on their hands. Everyone got ready to perform. John asked for some echo but didn't get much of any. They started the song a short time later. John sang as the other guys were abusing their instruments.
The guys got through the song and Howard said that Eddie Van Halen had walked in and started hitting him as he was playing keyboards. Robin said the song wouldn't be so bad if it was in the hands of some real musicians. She also thought that they hadn't written anything, it was just the Twilight Zone theme song being played with some lyrics. They got back into the song a little bit to show Robin that it wasn't like that at all. They ended up performing the whole song again.
Howard said he thinks the song is good but Robin was laughing and told them to keep working on it and maybe they'll have something there. Howard said he thinks Eddie Van Halen is out there trying to steal their song. Gary came in and said that he turned down the volume in the green room and Alex Van Halen said ''thank you'' when he did that.
Eddie had come into the studio so Howard asked him for his opinion. Eddie was off mic and ended up trying to play the song on Howard's keyboard. Eddie wasn't saying much. He was all over the studio and they weren't able to follow him. Eddie went over to Stuttering John who he had a run in with a while back. Eddie wanted to apologize to Stuttering John for getting so upset with him after he had asked him some goofy questions. Eddie was wandering around the studio so Howard wondered if he was going to be able to calm down. Gary told Eddie that they were on the air and he ended up walking out. He may not have known that they were actually broadcasting.
Robin said that Howard's fantasies are all about him and not about the woman. Howard said that's not true, he wants to give a woman pleasure in his fantasy. Gary said it seems like Howard doesn't like the woman in his fantasy. Howard said they were all nuts.
The guys were all analyzing Jackie's fantasy trying to figure that strange thing out. Jackie said that it wasn't all that strange. Everyone else thought it was strange and that he had actually done that with his wife in the bathroom. Gary told Howard that Van Halen was really hot to get in there so they might want to move things along.
Eddie came walking in a short time later so Howard asked him what his sexual fantasy is. Eddie said he doesn't have any left, he's done it all. Howard said they might have to take a break and then bring Eddie back in. Eddie was acting kind of strange so Howard tried to get him to listen to him. Eddie was all over the place and not paying attention to Howard.
Howard said they had to take a break before moving on. They were having some issues with Eddie walking around the studio so they had to calm him down and move on.
Howard talked to the guys about recording the album at Eddie's house. it turns out they've recorded all of their albums at Eddie's house in the 5150 studio. The 5150 thing was explained as being a special code on a police scanner for an escaped mental patient. Howard asked Eddie to sit down and put his guitar down so he could talk to him. Eddie was still messing around with it and not talking to him. Howard asked if Gary signed his contract in disappearing ink. The guys said Gary hadn't signed anything yet so there wasn't any ink at all.
Howard asked the guys about how many albums they've sold over the years. They said it's over 80 million. Howard figured that they were right up there with the Beatles and the Stones as far as being a best selling band. Howard took a call from a woman who knew Gary Cherrone. She said she's known him for years and said he used to tell her that he was going to be a star and he finally made it.
Howard saw that Eddie had his guitar ready to play so he asked him if he was going to play. Eddie said he wasn't going to play it even though he had just spent 5 minutes getting it ready. Howard got back to the guys and asked them about the tour they were going to be going on. They talked about that for a short time.
Howard said that Alex and Eddie were big stars in their high school and were getting laid by the time they were 13 or 14 because of their musical talent. Eddie said something about being 12 when he started getting laid. Alex said that their mother was pretty much the kind of person who would beat them to make them learn to play piano. She'd whack their hands if they didn't practice. Howard said he wishes that his parents had done that to him.
Howard asked the guys about David Lee Roth and why he got kicked out of the band and also about Sammy. The guys didn't seem to want to talk about that stuff. Baba Booey said that he thinks they were upset that David was trying to turn the band into a Las Vegas-like act. The guys said that he did do that.
Howard asked Eddie about the first time he got laid. He said he was actually 13 and got a high school chick. Eddie was also saying that the band is in a new place and they're all on the same page this time. Robin said that they've heard that before, with Sammy, so who knows. Eddie said that Gary is actually living there at his place in the guest house.
Robin asked the guys if Sammy Hagar quit the band like they claim David Lee Roth did. They said that he did. Eddie didn't want to talk about the rest of their singers, he just wanted to talk about Gary. Howard said he just saw David Lee at the donut shop the other day and he's doing fine. The guys got a little laugh out of that.
Howard moved on and had Mike the Intern come in dressed in his dress. Mike wanted to meet the band and he had to wear a dress to do it. Mike told the guys that he's wanted to meet them since he was 10 and started rambling about how much he likes them. He said he even took a job as a concert security guy hoping to meet them.
Mike was going to play a little guitar for the guys and said he was going to play a little Panama. He picked up his guitar and tried playing but it wasn't all that great. Howard was laughing so Eddie told him to give him a chance. Eddie asked him if he had fun playing. Mike said it was great because he did get to play in front of those guys. Howard asked Eddie if that was the worst ''Panama'' he had ever heard. Eddie said it wasn't.
Howard told Mike to get out of there but Mike wanted to get his picture taken with them. Howard told him to wait until after the show. Gary said he already told him that. Mike asked to shake their hands too but Howard didn't want him doing that either.
Howard talked to Michael Anthony about how he got into the band. He talked about that a little bit. Howard then asked Eddie to play a little something. The guys were saying it was too early in the morning to be playing though. Eddie got up and started playing a little bit but his amp sounded kind of distorted. Eddie played a little bit but the amp noise was kind of distracting. Howard asked the rest of the guys to play but they weren't moving. Eddie was playing some of his famous guitar riffs but the rest of the band didn't want to help out. Eddie was screwing around with his amp trying to figure out what was going on with that.
Howard said he had a couple of guys who had won a contest where they get to meet the band and hang out with them all day long. He asked them a few questions and then Stuttering John came in and said that Mike the Intern was willing to sing along with Eddie if he plays. Howard said he'd play drums if Alex wasn't going to play. He went over to the drums and took over since Alex wasn't going to do it.
Mike the Intern prepared to sing while Howard banged on the drums a little bit. Eddie played guitar but Howard didn't know how to follow along to what he was doing. He begged Alex to come over and play but it wasn't happening. Howard told Eddie to just play something and have Mike singing along with him. They went with ''Panama'' since Mike knew that song. Eddie was still dicking around with his guitar trying to get that to work so Howard had to move them along.
Eddie played his distorted guitar and Howard pounded on the drums. Mike was about to start singing but Eddie stopped and told Howard to stop with the drums. They started again and Mike sang along with Eddie as he was playing guitar. Howard laid off the banging and played a little bit of the cymbals and kept it quiet. Howard gave up at that point. Mike thought it was pretty awesome that he got to sing with Eddie like that. Howard said Eddie's guitar was really loud in there. He kept begging the band to get up and play but they weren't very cooperative.
Howard said he didn't care what they played as long as they played something. They refused so Howard gave up and asked them more about this new album. He also played some of their new single. Gary said that Eddie sings in one of the tracks so Howard tried to find that to play but wasn't able to find it.
Mike was still in the studio so he wanted to ask Eddie some more questions. Howard told him to stop and then took a call from a woman who said she's slept with Gary and she knows he's very well hung. That led to Howard asking the guys if they had seen Gary naked yet. They weren't talking. Howard asked the woman on the phone how she met Gary. She said when he was in his last band she met him at a place they were playing at. She said she was with him a couple of times and he told her that she was special. Howard figured she must be pretty good looking if she caught the eye of Gary. Gary didn't seem to remember meeting the chick though.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked why the band wasn't going to play, they sounded like a bunch of pussies. They laughed at that and though it was another intern calling in. Baba Booey asked the guys if there's a chance that they would work with David Lee Roth again. They said there's no chance of that happening. They said there are some things that are better left as memories.
Howard talked about his first day on the air in Detroit and how he had been kept up all night because Van Halen was staying in the same hotel as he was. He said he had chicks banging on his door and stuff. He said he remembers them doing an interview with the big guy on that station so he didn't get to meet them back then.
Howard played the track off the new album where Eddie sings. He asked what the song was about but Eddie said that Gary had written it. Gary said he didn't know what the song was about even though he had written the lyrics. Howard said he thinks that Gary was writing the lyrics about Valerie, Eddie's wife, so he might not want him to stay in that guest house anymore.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why the guys weren't playing because they did sound kind of lame. Then the caller asked the guys what they were going to do when they got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Alex and Eddie said it'll be up to Dave and Sammy if they want to show up. Howard said that maybe some of them will die before that happens and they won't have to show up with them.
Howard played another track off the new album but only made it through about 30 seconds of it before getting sidetracked. He wanted to know about some of the chicks that the guys have slept with but Eddie asked him to play more of the album. Howard played another song and asked what that one was about. The guys didn't want to explain anything to him. He let the song play for a couple of minutes and said he thinks that one is also about Valerie. He noticed that the guys were smoking a lot of cigarettes this morning. Alex was actually taking the filter off his cigarettes.
Howard asked the contest winners if they had any questions for the guys. They were afraid to ask anything so they kept quiet. Howard said he's a big fan of the band and they've given them some great music over the years. Howard asked Eddie about his son Wolfgang and talked to Alex about his many marriages. He said he's been married a few times. Howard said he imagines that Alex would be the one who would have a more stable marriage than Eddie but it turns out he's wrong. Howard said he was thinking about how Valerie must look in a thong. He got back into the discussion with Alex about getting married again and said it'll probably fall apart just like his other marriages.
Howard asked the guys more about working with David Lee Roth. He said he heard that Eddie got into a fist fight with David one time. Eddie said it wasn't much of a fight but Howard said he heard Eddie had cleaned David's clock. Howard said he had to end the interview but he took a couple more phone calls. One guy claimed that he had given Gary a massage one time and he could confirm that he is very large. Eddie handed over his guitar to Howard as they were ending the interview. Howard thanked them for coming in and went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who was from Australia. He couldn't take it for long so he had to bail out on the call. He got into some of the hate mail he's been getting lately. He said that they've been going into some new cities and the amount of mail they get is remarkable. Howard read one e-mail where someone went off on him for something he'd talked about on the show the other day. He and the guys spent some time talking about that.
Howard got to the hate mail he's been getting. A lot of the mail reads the same and it's almost as if the same person wrote it. He read one email where a woman complained that she didn't want to hear that kind of show driving to work in the morning. Howard said they should call that woman but she didn't leave her phone number, just an e-mail address. Howard read through another one where the writer wrote ''your are only rock station'' so he goofed on that person. Most of the people were complaining that this Prescott guy had gotten fired and the station had just fired him because they were out to make money. Howard said that there's nothing wrong with that. They do need to make money to stay in business after all.
Howard took a call from a guy who had a Who's Older game to play. He ripped through some names like Leno or Letterman... Letterman is older. Then he asked Tina Turner or Ted Turner. Howard and Robin went with Tina. Ted was one year older. Here are some of the others he gave them...
Mike said he would love a tape of that ''Panama'' performance to keep for himself. Mike said that this is like a dream to him and he really appreciates that they did that for him. Gary gave him a bottle that was full of Eddie's cigarette butts and he sounded very excited about that. Howard kicked him out of the studio a short time later. He told him he was messed up walking around with those cigarette butts.
Gary asked Howard if he wanted to do anything with that girl in the green room. Howard told him to get him some green paint and he'd do it. He said it's not a good time to do it since he wanted to do it during the show. He had Robin do some of her news before they brought her in though.
Gary asked Howard what he would think his daughter was up to if she came home with all of that stuff on her. Howard said he'd think that she was pretty loose and having dirty sex. Howard asked her why she wanted to get her breasts painted green. She said she wanted to do it last year but they got there kind of late.
Howard put on his gloves so he wouldn't get green paint on his hands. H said his wife would be hounding him about that if he went home with green hands. He went on to give her some four leaf clovers on her breasts and let her go a short time later. He said she had some nice breasts as she was having that done. He told Gary to flap his lips to dry them off as they were walking out of the studio. Robin got back to her news right after that.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:25am (Master Tape Theatre time).