| Monday | Tuesday |
|
|
| Wednesday | Thursday |
|
|
| Friday | |
|
Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to the show and talking about how daylight savings time was killing him. Robin said she got home from California at 1 o'clock this morning. She was doing her racing course out there over the weekend. She knew that she was going to get in late and she's wiped out from all of that. She only got a couple of hours of sleep because of that.
Artie said that he's done stuff like that as a party night but he'll stay up the whole night. Robin said she's done that too but it was horrible. She said she's never felt so bad in her entire life after staying up with no sleep like that.
Howard said that comedian Richard Jeni killed himself over the weekend. Richard sat in on the show back when Jackie had left. He read that Richard's wife found him in the shower after he shot himself in the face. He was still alive when the rescue workers came. Howard said Richard used to send him Christmas cards that had American Cancer Society stuff on it. He thinks his mother died from cancer and he wasn't sure if he had anything like that going on in his life.
Howard said Richard was a great comedian and he felt really bad that they didn't have him in the last time he wanted to come on the show. Artie talked about how great the last time he sat in on the show. He and Richard talked about how great the whole job was for him. Artie said he was making some really good money out on the road and it's a real shame that this happened.
Howard said they say that Richard is only 45 years old and he's not sure how that's possible. Gary said he thought he was older because Jackie used to talk about how they kind of came up in the business together and Jackie is a bit older than him. Howard said he feels really bad about that but what can you do? He said it's really weird when you see a guy who you think has it all together and something like that happens.
Gary said Richard's agent was willing to talk if they wanted to call him. Howard told him to make the call. He and the guys talked more about how great Richard was in all of the stuff he was involved with. He had a couple of comedy specials that were really good. He also had a part in ''The Mask'' and he was good in that.
Howard said he was watching some of the movies that were nominated for academy awards and so many of them were so depressing. He talked about ''Little Children'' and how depressing that was. He said the guy in that movie who played the creep in that movie will probably get a lot of parts because he was so good in that movie.
Howard went into his Shaq impression and goofed on that for a short time. He saw that Captain Cat Fucker was on the phone so he went to that. He asked the guy about that cat fucking thing but the guy didn't want to go through that again. The guy lives at home and had his cat doing stuff to him so they came up with the Captain Cat Fucker name for him. The guy said he's really famous and he feels like a reality star after that last call.
Captain Cat Fucker said he hasn't been making a lot of money so he actually takes some money from his mother's purse. Howard interrupted and asked the guy how his cat is doing. The guy said his cats are all great and they all love him. Howard said that the guy put lube on his dick and fucked it. Cat Fucker told Howard that there was some blood and hair involved when that all went down. Howard asked him how far in he got when he fucked it. Around that time the Cat Fucker's mom entered the room and heard him talking about that stuff. Then his mother started yelling at him and telling him he can't be doing disgusting stuff like that in her house. Howard told him to tell his mother that he loves her but around then the phone went dead.
Artie said he thinks there are probably more people in this country than you'd think who are fucking their cats. He said he thinks this guy is the norm and there are a lot more who do that stuff. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all.
Howard was saying he might have to call into this chess show that he knows about too. Robin said she tried chess over the weekend and it went horribly so she's not so sure she'd want to keep playing. Howard talked about another web site called Heroes-TV.com and talked about how gay all of that is. He was also saying that he'd still like to get into that stuff with the Battlestar Galictica thing. He said he might even call himself DABA (Da Bad Ass) like JD did online. He ended up goofing on JD about that for a short time. He said JD sent him a link to a web site over the weekend and his screen name on that site was DABA.
JD came in to talk about the DABA thing so Howard asked him when he came up with that. JD said that came about in high school. Howard asked him what he says when chicks ask him what that means. He said he doesn't do a lot of chatting but he will tell people what it means. He said the whole thing came up as a joke in school so that's why he stuck with it. Howard said he looks and sounds like Napoleon Dynamite so he's anything but Da Bad Ass.
The link that JD sent to him was a YouTube link so he was talking about how they copyright everything on the site as if it's their material. He said they sent YouTube a cease and desist to get them to remove all of the Howard TV stuff. Gary told him it's still up there. Howard said he's got to talk to his agent about that then. They're making money off of other people's hard work over there.
Howard got back to JD and asked him what women must think when he shows up after claiming that he's some kind of bad ass. He said they must be shocked when he shows up. JD said he's only met a couple of women that way. JD said he's been Da Bad Ass for a long time, since he was 15 at least, so that's what he's been almost all along. He used to have another screenname that was something like Fairborn. He was mumbling through most of that discussion. He told Howard he heard one screenname on one of those Dateline shows was ''CanIRapeYouAnally.'' They talked about that for a minute and thought that was pretty crazy.
Howard said JD revealing what DABA means is kind of like Superman revealing who he is to chicks. Howard asked him why he changed from Fairborn to DABA. JD said he was online with his parent's account and he had to come up with something new so he switched. He wasn't even sure about that. Howard said there had to be some other reason for that but JD said he really didn't know. Howard asked JD if his parent's account was the same one where she met her new man in Hawaii. JD said they didn't need to get into that. Fred started playing some Hawaiian music within seconds after JD said he didn't want to talk about it.
Howard asked JD when he's going to the family reunion. JD said it's coming up in August. Howard asked him if he's a real pain in the ass around his mother or something. She obviously doesn't want to see him. Howard wanted to have JD practice talking to his mother's boyfriend. He did a lame Hawaiian guy talking to JD and asking him about how his life is going. JD did okay with that. Artie pointed out that Howard was doing an Indian accent for his Hawaiian guy.
Howard asked the guys if they watched American Idol. He said they have this Indian kid on there and he's awful but he seems to be staying on the show. He figures that they're outsourcing the phone calls to India and maybe that's why he's getting the votes.
Robin wanted to hear the message so bad but Howard didn't want him to play it. Johnny explained to Howard what Eric was asking for and how he was telling him to find this guy he had a problem with and how he should know what to do from there. Johnny said Eric is going to have to get into a rougher group than with him because he really doesn't know what to do. Johnny said he has to get him the call so he can hear it on the air. Howard asked him if he called Eric back and told him they don't do stuff like that. Johnny laughed and said no.
Howard had Eric on the phone and asked him if he's nuts. Eric said he wasn't calling for a hit on the guy. He said he just wanted someone to find the guy and teach him a lesson. Howard said that message made Johnny think that he wanted him to kill someone. Eric said that's not what he wanted though. Howard said the whole thing came up because that guy called into the show last week and talked about how Eric had demanded a ramp at high school. Eric was upset and said that it was all bullshit.
Howard said he wanted to hear this message that Eric left so he asked Eric to explain it. He said Eric might be out of control and it might be a felony asking Johnny to do that stuff. Johnny was able to get the message to play over the phone so Howard listened to that. In the message Eric tells Johnny to find this guy Jerry and ''You know what to do, you know what to do... just find him.'' Artie started laughing his ass off when he heard that. Johnny said that little motherfucker is a gangster. He said he learned that Eric is a gangster this weekend.
Howard asked Eric how he explains that. Eric said he just wanted to teach that guy a lesson but then he said it was just a joke. Howard said Eric is lucky that no one knows this guy Jerry from a hole in the wall. Artie told him that he shouldn't leave a hit message on the phone. That's just not the right thing to do. Howard asked Eric if he thought that whole thing through. Eric said ''yeah'' but it didn't sound so convincing.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted Johnny to do. Eric said he just wanted him to find the guy and make him call back and apologize or something. Howard said Johnny would have to be nuts to go through with something like that. Johnny interrupted that and told Howard that Eric told him about a dream he was having and how he wet the bed while thinking about peeing in the bath tub.
Johnny said that he played that message from Eric for KC and KC was ready to go out and find the guy for him. Artie told Eric he just called the wrong guy, he should have called KC. The guys thought it was pretty funny that Eric had called for a hit and thought this was an all time classic. Artie told Eric he's all done fucking with him. Howard also told him that he's done fucking with him as well. Robin told him he's got an anger issue if he's doing stuff like that.
Howard told Eric that he really could have gotten into some trouble for that if Johnny had taken him up on the offer. Johnny replayed the voice mail around that time so Howard and the guys listened in on that. Howard was laughing and Artie was very amused by the call. They said that if that guy Jerry does end up dead or something, the cops are going to go right to Johnny because of this message. Johnny said he'll just blame Little Johnny for the whole thing.
Artie did his Godfather impression and inserted Eric into the movie. He did that for a short time and then Howard asked Eric why he would command Johnny to do something like that. He asked him if he thought that Johnny ever did stuff like that. Eric said ''no'' after a short pause.
Howard asked Eric about the peeing the bed thing. Eric said that was the first time he's done that since he was a kid. He said the pee didn't make it to the bed, it stayed in his boxers and his PJ pants. He said the material absorbed it all. Howard asked Eric if he has a mattress pad and found out he does. He figured that there has to be pee in there then. Eric said he checked and it was all in his pants.
Artie asked Eric what he was doing up at 1 in the morning because that message he left for Johnny was from 1:30am. Howard asked him more about that as well and pointed out that Johnny's father was a mobster. Howard asked Eric if that's the first time he's ever called for a hit. Eric said it was the first time. He was very upset about that Jerry guy talking about how he had demanded all of this handicapped access stuff and what a disruption it was to school. Johnny joked that he thought this guy deserved to go over that. Howard said they really don't want any harm to come to this guy Jerry. Eric said he doesn't want any harm to come to him but he does want an apology. Artie asked him to say that even if he doesn't apologize, no harm is going to come to him. Eric said he doesn't want any harm to come to the guy at all.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Eric now even though he used to get irritated by him. Howard went to another call from a guy who said he had a theory. He thinks that Johnny misunderstood Eric and thought he was asking him to take out ''Jeni'' (Richard Jeni) and that's how that guy ended up dead. Another caller said that this guy could go to jail for something like that. He also pointed out that if he had been roasted, he might have asked to have everyone from the show hit. Artie said they should talk to a cop and find out if that was a crime already and if Eric could end up in jail just for asking for the favor.
Johnny told Howard that he's gotten a couple of TV show appearances thanks to Howard's show. He got on 1 vs 100 and also on that Identity show. He talked a little about that show and how confused people were about what he does for a living. Howard told Johnny that Eric loves to hang out with tough guys but Johnny said he's really not a tough guy. Howard said Johnny is a tough guy because he was charged with a felony one time and it was over a drug charge.
Eric had a call coming through on his cell phone so he told the person to stop calling because he wasn't going to answer while on the air. Howard felt that there was another hit coming on if that person didn't stop calling. Howard told Johnny he had to get going but thanked him for bringing this to his attention. He told Eric that it's really not a nice thing to ask his friend to do. He thanked them for calling in and let them go a short time later.
Howard said that if Johnny gets on Eric's bad side, Eric might be going to someone else to put a hit out on Johnny. A caller said he can picture Eric in the final episode of The Sopranos or something taking over the whole family. Artie said he heard they just shot the last episode of that show and he's dying to know how it ends.
Artie said he didn't know Eric had that kind of greatness in him. Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using audio clips of Eric's voice. They called a store and had Eric talking about how he was going to accept the balloon stunt but the people at the store had no idea what he was talking about.
Gary told Howard they had the hit voice mail message to play if he wanted to replay it. Howard played another Eric the Midget bit that they had done one time. They had a guy call Eric as Diana Degarmo's manager and had him thinking that he was going to get a date with her. He played a few more Eric bits and prank calls that he had to play. He said that was enough of that after playing a couple of them. Then he replayed the voice mail he had left for Johnny where he asked for him to take care of that guy Jerry. Howard said that kid is a real man. Howard said that guy Jerry is probably living in Montana under the name Sarah now that he's heard about that hit. He had to go to break after that.
Howard took a call from Jessica Hahn who apologized to Eric for everything she's ever said to him. She didn't want to be on his hit list. Howard thanked her for that and then brought in Lisa G to do her Howard 100 News preview. He thanked her for sending over some cards that she had sent for his engagement.
Lisa got into her Howard 100 News preview. She said that Joey Boots got himself kicked off of PayPal for asking for money to get a hooker. She said that Joey has been trying to get his account back by changing the wording. Lisa also said that they found a 93 year old Howard Stern fan who has been listening for the past 17 years. She hasn't been able to hear it for the past year because she couldn't afford SIRIUS. Tim Sabean hooked her up with a radio though. Lisa said they also have a new Inside the Porn Actors Studio on Howard 101 tonight.
Howard let Lisa go and took a call from Ralph who thought that Eric the Midget call was great. He asked him to replay the call for him again. Howard said they really should cut that call down to the part where Eric says ''you know what to do...'' He replayed the whole call for Ralph and Ralph laughed as he heard it. Ralph wondered how Johnny was going to find this guy Jerry that Eric was telling him to find. Ralph said that poor guy didn't even do anything. Howard said it doesn't take much to get whacked.
Ralph said that about a year ago Eric was complaining that they were making him look evil and he's not really evil. Meanwhile they know that he's trying to get Johnny Fratto to take care of this guy. Howard liked the call from the guy who said it was Johnny who took the hit out on Jeni (Richard Jeni) when he didn't understand Eric's message.
Howard went to Tim's team first and had Tim weigh in first. Tim came in at 263 pounds from 265. Howard said that Chuck Zito is going to be upset with him for losing so little. Chuck has been helping Tim out in the weight loss challenge. Howard had Jason up next. Jason said he's been cutting out the carbs lately and trying to eat very healthy. He's been avoiding all of the bad stuff even though he's been tempted. Jason got on the scale and came in at 258 pounds. That was down from 271. Scott the Engineer was next and he's been kind of grumpy while on his diet. He said he thinks that he has a shot at winning, just as good as anyone else. He came in at 255 pounds, down from 264. Brian Phelan was up next. Brian was up at 243 pounds last week. Brian said that he's been dieting a lot and hasn't even been drinking beer. He was down to 239 pounds.
Howard moved on to Artie's team and had Artie get on the scale first. He was up at 286 pounds last week. He hasn't been doing much dieting over the past week though. Artie said he had a signing up in Boston and he wasn't able to diet all that much. He did avoid eating yesterday but he slept all day so he may have lost some weight because of that. Today he was up at 288 pounds. He gained 2 pounds! Howard moved on to Mike Gange who was up at 247 last week. Howard asked him about his diet and found out he's been trying to diet and walking a lot. He can't do any high impact stuff because of his wisdom teeth being removed recently. He weighed in at 244 today. Mike said it's tough to have Artie as the team leader because he knows he's going to fuck everything up for them. Howard moved on to Jon Hein next. Jon was up at 255 last week and he's been really trying to lose the weight. Gary said Jon was in a foul mood last week because of the diet. Today he weighed in at 251 pounds. Artie said that their team just sucks. Howard moved on to Benjy who was up at 267 last week. Benjy has been dieting and using the Cylaris stuff to lose the weight. Benjy got on the scale and came in at 246 pounds! Here's how they look so far...
Jason said that Benjy was able to put on 15 pounds from the last time they weighed in so it was kind of strange. Scott was still upset and thought that Benjy really did cheat. He kept going off on Benjy saying that he's been playing it down. Scott thinks that he will be the winner and there's no way that Benjy is going to beat him. Scott thinks that he'll be able to keep up his loss while Benjy won't.
Howard said Roseanne was one of the first people who got that stomach operation to lose weight. He told her he can't stand when people do that because he works so hard to keep the weight off himself. Roseanne said that she worked very hard to gain back the weight. She said it was constant eating and a lot of sugar. Howard said that guy from American Idol, Randy, has gained his weight back as well. Roseanne said it's the drinking and sugar that really do it to you.
Roseanne said that it's obsessive behavior that leads to the weight coming back. Howard said that when you're given this gift of weight loss you'd think that you'd want to keep it. Roseanne isn't as heavy as she used to be, she claims she's only gained 10 pounds from her lowest point. Robin said they even wanted her for Playboy. Roseanne said she kept calling but they didn't call her back.
Howard said that Tom Arnold still claims that she didn't give him any money in the divorce. Roseanne said she doesn't mind that, it doesn't bother her anymore. She said she never sees him and doesn't want to see him anymore. She's not pissed at him anymore though. Howard said she was making a lot of money back then and he thought she had to pay him $50 million. She said it wasn't that much.
Howard asked Roseanne if she would help Tom out if he asked her to help him out if he was dying of cancer or something. She aid she would help him. Howard asked her about Richard Jeni's death. She didn't know him but thought it was very tragic. She said she heard from another comedian that Richard had been depressed for some time. She said she used to be depressed so she knows what that's like. Now she does meditation and she's doing much better.
Roseanne said that she's been eating a lot of pasta and cheese lately. She just doesn't get the whole human being thing because there are so many mistakes in us. Howard talked to Roseanne about this Jewish Kabbalah thing. She talked about that a little bit and said that she likes the search for answers. She goes to the Kabbalah center but she's really not looking for friends there.
Howard asked Roseanne about her new man and how that's going. She said she's 54 years old now and she has gone through menopause now. She said there are a lot of physical changes that happen when that all goes down. Howard said that Robin has gone through that as well and he hates to think that she has to use K-Y lube to get herself lubed up down there. He wanted to know how Roseanne handles that stuff. She didn't want to get into it. Roseanne said she now has a full beard so she has to shave it. She wasn't even sure she wanted to talk about that stuff.
Howard asked Roseanne if she's having sex. She said she is but didn't seem to want to talk about that stuff with him. Howard was trying to find out if she dresses up for her man. She was thinking about her kids listening to all of this so she didn't want to talk about it. She thought it was vile thinking about her mother having sex so she doesn't want her kids thinking about that. She said she has grandkids now and she likes being an old woman. She was saying she kind of likes that the Baby Boomers are on their way out and getting old. Howard and Roseanne both said that they don't think that they've been very good for the world.
Howard asked Roseanne what it was like meeting President Bush. She said she had never met any President's before so it was great. She said she really wanted to meet President Bush because she had been praying for him for a long time and wanted to lay her hands on him to pass some energy on to him. Howard told her that she can't pass any energy on to anyone and told her to just stick to meditating.
Roseanne asked for Howard's hand so she could pass on some energy to him. Howard let her do that but he felt that she stole some of his energy. Howard wanted to pass something on to her so he grabbed her hand and tried to take his energy back. She said that she did the same thing for President Bush. She told Bush that she was praying for him every day and he said ''Well, aren't you a nice girl...'' She said there is a person behind those eyes of his and he prays that God will come in and open his eyes so he will start doing the right thing. Howard said that he wishes him well himself.
Howard brought up the time Roseanne sang the Star Spangled Banner. She said she had to go into hiding after that and she feels really bad for the Dixie Chicks and what they've had to go through. She said that the crowd started booing her immediately so she just made it even worse. Howard played that performance and got some laughs out of it. He said she sounded like a little girl in that clip. Roseanne said that's what got her meditating now that she thinks about it. Howard told Roseanne that when she did that it was genius, just like when Borat does something like that. Roseanne said it was just the wrong time and the wrong place to do it.
Howard said he's surprised that she doesn't like talking about sex. He figured that she would do that. She said she's a grandma now and that stuff is kind of embarrassing. Howard talked to Roseanne about how quickly her fame came on after she did The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. She once said that Johnny told her she was going to be the biggest thing in the country. She said it really came on quickly and within 3 months she went from being bankrupt to doing her ABC TV show. She said she had a lot of people hanging around her and telling her things that were just lies. She said it unscrews your head and that's what happened to her. She said that she still thinks about her first husband and how much she loved him. She's still friends with him but he's got a better wife now according to Roseanne.
Roseanne said she hurt a lot of people that she didn't need to back when she was acting the way she was. Howard read about some stuff she said about her family. She said she wishes that she had just kept all of that stuff private. She talked about her abusive childhood and said she doesn't blame her father for what he did, she figures that it was a lot of pressure that caused him to do what he did. She said that her mother stepped up and took responsibility for what had happened to her as a kid. Howard asked her if she went to her mother to help her when she was growing up. Roseanne said that every kid would say the same thing.
Howard gave Roseanne a plug for the 6 weeks of stand-up comedy she's doing out in Las Vegas at the New York, New York casino starting March 15th. She said she's very excited to start doing that and working with some other people.
Howard asked Roseanne about where she's living now and what that's like. She said that she went back to living in a regular neighborhood and now thinks that there should be some kind of salary cap for people. She said that it should be like $100 million. She used to own a 30,000 square foot house but it was just gross and now she's back to a normal sized home.
Howard gave Roseanne a plug for her web site RoseanneWorld.com and for the ''Funniest Mom In America'' TV show that she has coming on Nick at Night.
Howard saw that Roseanne had written something about Oprah and how she pisses her off. Roseanne said that she doesn't like that she has all of these secrets and stuff. She talked about the school that she was having built over in Africa and how she was complaining about the kids in America who just wants shoes. Howard said Roseanne was making a good point and it is kind of wrong to talk about that stuff. Roseanne thinks that Oprah has gone nuts.
Howard asked Roseanne how much money she gives away each year. She said she gives away the amount that makes her feel good. She said she doesn't want to say how much it is, but some people think that you should give away 1/3 of your money. Howard admitted that he's having a 6,000 square foot home built. He said that he works hard for his money but Roseanne said that if you don't give away some of your money, you're going to hell.
Robin said that Roseanne's grandkids are going to be living a good life with her money. She said that she could end up with a grandkid that ends up like Paris Hilton. Roseanne said she's so glad that all of her kids are functional and not like Paris.
Roseanne was telling Howard, Robin and even Artie that they all have to share their money with others. Artie said what Roseanne was saying is that someone who gives away a car to someone who already had 9 cars, is wrong. He was referring to Howard buying Robin a $100,000 Mercedes Benz last year.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people talk to Roseanne. Ralph called in and said it sounds like Roseanne is going crazy again. That led to Roseanne saying that she just bought a nut farm on one of the Hawaiian islands. She's going to do her comedy thing in Vegas and then go to the nut farm and be a nut farmer. She said it's right near the beach and it'll be a great retirement place.
Ralph asked Roseanne how she didn't own her sitcom yet she was always firing people. She said that she never owned it because she was an unknown at the time. Ralph also said that she made a good point on Bill Maher's show the other night and they should talk about that as well. Howard let Ralph go and gave Roseanne some plugs for her upcoming shows.
Howard was telling Roseanne that Johnny Carson wasn't all that great but she disagreed with him. Howard thought he was good for Roseanne but not for a lot of other comedians. Howard wanted to know if she's using K-Y when she has sex or not. She told him she doesn't use K-Y, she uses WD-40. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Benjy told Scott that Howard must be cheating at his life because he looks younger than Scott does. He said that Scott could do a lot better at losing weight if he tried. Scott was still saying that Benjy manipulated his weight somehow and he's pissed. He said that Benjy has had a 35 pound weight swing in a month and he doesn't believe it's possible. Artie told him he was being ridiculous. He had a mouth full of food as he was saying that.
Howard mentioned that they had Doug Stanhope coming in with his girlfriend Bingo. The last time she was on she had an amazing Sybian ride. Gary was running back and forth on the microphone so Howard ended up goofing on him for that. He told Gary he wasn't ready for Doug to come in because he had some things to play.
Howard said that a CNBC reporter slipped and said ''penis'' during a report earlier in the morning. Howard played the clip where the woman said ''Reese's penis'' instead of Reese's peanut. All of the reporters got all flustered like they had never heard the word before.
Howard had another audio clip to play of this basketball player Ron Artest making an apology for something he did. He starts getting upset and explains what he did. He had apparently hit his wife. Howard told the guy that he shouldn't be hitting his wife no matter what. He told him to just go run and play ball if he gets the urge to do something like that.
Howard had another audio clip of a woman who has the hiccups and can't get rid of them. When she does them it sounds kind of like JD's hoot. The hiccups are very loud and the reporter could hear them from outside of her house. She complained that people make fun of her hiccups and goof on her when she goes out. Howard said they have to get her on the show, she's their next Wack Packer.
Bingo said that she used to bang her head on the walls and stuff. Doug said she's been getting too normal lately and he's thinking of hiding her meds from her. Doug also told Artie about his brother going to meet Artie at the DVD signing he did up in Boston. Doug said that his brother was hoping that he'd get a plug in for his diner on the show but Artie had already talked about the meeting up there earlier in the show.
Howard asked Doug if it's weird being with a chick like Bingo who is so wacky. Doug said he likes being with someone like her because she's not normal. Howard wondered why she shaves her head because it's so cliché for mentally ill people to do that. Doug said she flipped out when Britney Spears shaved her head. She claims that's not true though.
Howard asked Bingo if she shaves her vagine. She said she does that a lot but it's not shaved right now. Howard said they should have had some wigs there for Bingo to try on. She said she wears them all the time. Doug said they go out shopping and dress her up like a Mr. Potato head. He said they've been going out for a year and a half now and things are going okay but they don't have sex all that often. Doug said Roseanne seems to be having more sex than he does.
Howard brought up the last time Bingo was on with Doug and how she told this story about a mushroom dealer who did a ''soft rape'' on her. The guy kind of grabbed her clit and laid on top of her but that was about it. He didn't actually penetrate her. Howard said that there's a scene in Borat where he starts laying on top of this massage therapist who shows up to give him a massage. He thought that was pretty funny.
Mike Gange came in with some wigs for Bingo to wear. They gave her a blonde wig and no one liked that look. They gave her a brunette wig and Howard really liked that. He told her she was very cute as a brunette. Doug said he's seen her with hair and she was hot. Howard said she was very Valerie Bertinelli with the wig on. Doug said the worst part is where she's trying to grow the hair in and she has a crew cut. The guys tried on another wig that was red hair but it wasn't working for her. Doug was telling Howard that when she'd go off her meds, she'd do some wacky stuff. She would go out and walk the streets naked. He said he has lots of pictures of her doing stuff that he should have stopped her from doing.
Howard said that Doug wrote a book a few years back called ''Fun with Pedophiles, The Best of Baiting'' which is available on his web site DougStanhope.com. He tells people how to mess with pedophiles and he tells people how to do it. He said he would bait them into having cybersex and then reveal that he's a dude. Howard read about some of the profiles that he would create. One of them was a 12 year old girl in a wheelchair. He said he goes back and reads that stuff and it still makes him laugh. Howard said he has to get a copy of that book. Doug said he should have brought one with him but he's not good at that marketing thing.
Howard said it seems like Doug and Bingo's lives are pretty normal these days. Robin asked where they are in their relationship and if they were going to get married. Bingo said they're not into marriage and she won't have kids for fear that she'll pass on her mental illness. Doug said he had a vasectomy after he and his wife had an abortion about 5 years ago. He said he's actually still married to that chick. He started divorce papers a while back but never went through with it.
Doug said that there's nothing wild going on in this world anymore. He said that's one good thing about being with Bingo because they can do some wild shit together. Howard said he admires Doug for going out with Bingo and not thinking about her mental illness.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Bingo to become mentally ill for a few minutes and take her top off. She said she can't just become mentally ill like that. The last time she was on she rode the Sybian and it was a pretty wild ride. She said that may have been the last time she had an orgasm. She and Doug don't have sex all that often these days. Doug said he really doesn't even care that much about it these days. Artie said he knows that feeling from when he was getting high. He said he would still fuck a chick though. He said that kind of led to he and Dana breaking up because he wasn't interested in banging her.
Doug said that the last time he did Bingo was probably back in January. Doug said he doesn't care about that stuff anymore. Doug said that they had a threesome one time and that was just awful. Bingo said that may have been the time that they last had sex. Howard asked Bingo if she's done other women like that before. She said he had but that night just wasn't fun. Doug told Howard that the chick was in the audience and they ended up going out and getting drunk. Then the chick ends up coming back to the hotel room.
Howard wondered if the chick was hot. Doug said that on paper she was hot but she wasn't all that sexually enticing. Doug said that the chick came to their room and then left but came back again. Howard asked Bingo if she gets jealous of that. Bingo said she knows that Doug loves her and she doesn't have a problem with it. Doug told the guys about how she claimed that she gives the best head but then she didn't do all that great. Bingo said she was trying not to laugh while that was going on. Doug said it was the most gentle and nice head he's ever gotten from a chick.
Bingo said that she sometimes masturbates multiple times during the day. Doug said she can even jack off in the car while driving to a gig. He said she would do that for hours at a time. Artie said it seems like they're more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. Doug said she does that stuff like any other person smokes a cigarette or something. It just comes easy to her.
Howard asked more about the threesome and what was going on. Bingo said the other chick took a shower with her and they were rubbing titties and stuff in the shower. She said they eventually went to the bedroom and started going down on each other. Bingo said the other chick wasn't all that great either. Doug said he did bang the other chick but he couldn't keep wood. They were on either coke or ecstasy at the time so that may not have helped. Howard said you'd think that this would be a major story in their lives but it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
Howard asked Doug if he would get upset if Bingo banged other guys. He said that she's had some things like that happen. Bingo said it was a buddy of theirs. She said that they didn't fuck but they did mess around. She claims that she doesn't remember the whole thing. Doug said he had passed out that night and she came to him the next morning with that look of shame on her face. He said he's been in similar situations so he understands making mistakes like that when you're partying hard. Bingo didn't remember exactly what she did to the guy because she was so messed up that night.
Doug was talking about this Showtime special he's going to be shooting and how he's going to be drinking before doing the taping. He's actually shooting two shows and he will get drunk before the first one and keep drinking through the second. Artie said he had some boundaries when he was doing the same type of thing. He had to take it easy on that stuff but he did get a little drunk between shows and he was told he was funnier in the second show. Doug said he's been told he's funnier drunk as well.
Bingo was telling Artie how good he was looking and how he didn't look as fat as everyone tells him he is. She seemed to be attracted to him so Howard asked if she would put him on her list of guys to bang. She said he would be on that list. Howard said he doesn't think he could share his girlfriend with other guys like that. He said they can call him a prude if they want to but that's what he's thinking. Robin said that maybe their relationship is more evolved than other people's are.
Howard gave Doug some plugs for the shows he's got coming up and said you can check him out at DougStanhope.com. They have some pictures of her up on his MySpace account as well. They checked those out in the studio. They said something about taking the pictures at Safeway. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard mentioned that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction thing is tonight. Eddie Van Halen is in rehab so he won't be there. Alex won't be there either but Sammy Hagar might be there. David Lee Roth wont' be there either because he wanted to play with the Van Halen guys. Now they have the guys from Velvet Revolver who will be doing some cover songs.
Artie was saying that his assistant Teddy was telling him that he and his friends all think that Sammy Hagar was the best for Van Halen. Artie said he was listening to Classic Vinyl on SIRIUS over the weekend and he didn't hear one bad song on the whole trip from Boston back to New Jersey.
Robin said she was listening to some terrestrial radio while she was out in California and realized just how bad it is. She and Martina Navratilova were talking about that. Gary said that SIRIUS just launched a channel called Lithium 24 which is alternative Rock from the 1990s. Artie said it sounded good to him when he heard the description of the music they play on that channel.
Howard got in a plug for the upcoming Miss Black Howard Stern which is being sponsored by Clips4Sale.com. He did that and then played a voice mail that Richard's father left for him reminding him about setting his clock for Daylight Savings Time. He had to remind him of that so he wouldn't miss work on Monday morning.
Howard played another voice mail that Richard got from a guy who was complaining about the morbid newscasts that Robin does every day. He thinks that she just talks about kiddy rape and crap like that too much. The guy figured it might be because her father boned her when she was a kid.
Gary said that Cabbie got mad at him for calling him at 6:30 this morning. The woman on the phone, Kathy, said that it's not just the picture either. It mentions Howard's name as well. Howard said he knows, and now he's going to have to go chase after him to get it taken down.
Kathy also told Howard that he should never let Beth get a massage from a guy. She said she was in Aruba about a week ago and got a massage from a guy who really gave her a good time. She said that they sent her a nice young man. She said she's 43 years old and not Howard's type but she thinks she's kind of cute. She told the story but it turns out nothing happened. Howard thought she had a story there but Robin knew that it was going nowhere. She said nothing really happened but she did get worked up from the whole thing.
Howard goofed on Sal for a few seconds but then moved on to talk about John Popper from Blues Traveler. He got pulled over for speeding and had an arsenal of weapons in his vehicle. They were all legal so he didn't get into trouble for that. Robin said he had an excuse for carrying the weapons and it was something bout how he's worried that the country might be taken over and he's going to be ready for that if it does happen. Robin pulled out the story and read through it. The weapons were apparently hidden in compartments in the vehicle. Popper claimed he didn't want to be left behind if something did happen to the country.
Howard said a fan sent him a picture of Artie's crack showing in the window of Newbury Comics when he was up there signing his DVD up there. Howard showed Artie and he already knew that it was going on so he didn't bother even fixing it. He said they were in this really nice area too so it just made it funny.
Howard read through an article about the XM/SIRIUS merger. He said this guy was talking about how the anti-merger laws are really helping out big business because it keeps them from having competitors. Howard said if satellite does go bankrupt, it's going to make terrestrial radio the monopoly. That led to Artie talking about this chick Kim Komando who does computer reports and she was talking about how Mel Karmazin's testifying was just a ruse. Artie said ''shame on you Kim Komando...'' and said she didn't even sound sincere talking about it. She was on CBS radio so Howard figured that's why she was doing the report.
Robin said she has so much fun out there that it's hard to get her off the track. She said she kept going around the track over and over again because she was too into it. She said she almost killed a guy when she cut this guy off as she was going to make a left into the pit. She said they weren't going all that fast, maybe 80 or 90, at the time. Howard asked her if she shared a room with Martina while she was there. Robin said that did not happen and there was nothing going on there. She said Martina is always talking about the love of her life.
Gary came in and said that some people were talking about Robin possibly being gay. She always goes on vacation with women friends and never with Mr. X. Robin said that's not true, she goes on vacation with Mr. X too. She claims that she's not gay.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the John Popper thing. He said it's not a matter of if the country is going to have something going down, it's just a matter of when it happens. He said that it could be a natural disaster or something else. The guys talked about that for a short time before Steve got back to his stories. Steve said that they have a story about this movie ''Call Me Artie'' that will be on Howard TV soon. He also got in a plug for tonight's ''Inside the Porn Actor's Studio'' which airs at 7pm tonight on Howard 101.
Jon Hein got into his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Roseanne Barr's appearance on the show. They'll also be talking about Doug Stanhope and his girlfriend and of course about Eric the Midget's demand that Johnny Fratto find that guy Jerry and take care of him. Howard was going to play that clip but he couldn't find it. He ended up playing a clip of that Kim Komando chick talking about the satellite radio thing. She said that Mel's comments were just a ruse so Howard said that Mel will never forget that comment and he will never hire her to do anything.
Howard found the Eric the Midget clip and replayed the call where Eric was asking Johnny Fratto to take care of that guy who called the show. Howard said he really could play an evil villain in a movie after hearing that clip.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Friday's Mastertape Theatre was great because Howard was talking about how he had written a letter to an old girlfriend of his trying to get her back. He said that Gary had come in and said that every guy has probably written one of those. That was before Gary had revealed that he had a videotape that he had given to an ex-girlfriend trying to get her back.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's heard that Kim Komando chick on SIRIUS before. Howard didn't know she was on there. He said he doesn't understand why any DJ would be against anything that could create a job for them. Howard read that Kim's show was actually dropped by SIRIUS. He said that's a little more of a motive there. Gary said that she's got a web site where she talks about how great HD radio is while satellite radio isn't so great. Howard said he now sees through her ruse.
Gary came in and said they were doing some more research on that Kim Komando chick and found that she was just dropped on the 3rd or 4th of this month and she's already turned on them within weeks. He came back in and told Howard that she sells shirts and crap on her web site. Howard had Robin get back to her news instead of wasting time on that story.
Robin brought up Richard Jeni's death during the news so the guys spent a while talking about him. He had sat in on the show back before Artie was hired on full time. Robin said she got to talk to Richard back then and found out he was depressed but she didn't know he was that depressed where he'd commit suicide. She said she feels really bad for him and isn't even sure what to say.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard was about to end the show. Artie got in a plug for a comedy show he's doing down in Lakeland, Florida. Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show talking about how warm it was in the studio this morning. He had to take his shirt off because it was warm and itchy. Fred was playing one of the ''dropping loads'' porn clips as Howard was stripping down.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Wrap Up Show from yesterday. That led to Howard playing a clip of Artie talking about how he didn't want to be part of this weight loss contest the guys are in. He said he's going to give his team $1,000 each if they end up losing the challenge because of him. Howard played another clip where Artie talks about how he was forced into the contest and how he didn't want to be the captain of a team. Gary pointed out that Artie said he wanted to lose weight but Artie argued with him that he wanted to do a contest where he loses the weight himself. Gary also said that Artie heard about the contest in a bunch of meetings and he never said anything about not wanting to be part of it.
After playing the clip Howard said that the bottom line is that he could win the $20,000 if he tried losing the weight. He's not going to screw over his team mates like he thinks he is. Robin said it seems like he doesn't want the competition. Howard told Artie to stop saying he didn't want to be in the contest. He said he kind of set up the whole thing for him after he complained about not getting money for losing weight. He told the caller that Artie was eating a buttered bagel as they were talking.
Howard told Artie that a lot of people aren't happy about him eating on the air, they don't want to hear him chomping down on it. Artie said Howard does the same thing with his chicken but Howard said he only does that if he's rushing to get back on the air.
Artie said he and Goodstein and some other guys were playing basketball while they set up the game for the naked people. Sal came in and told the guys he had a tattoo of a basketball put on his ass. It was supposed to be a fake one but the guy used permanent ink on it so he's still got it on his ass. Sal said he couldn't go to get a massage yesterday because of the basketball tattoo. Gary told him it might be on there for a month. Sal said he didn't know how long it was going to be on there until after it was already on.
Richard came in and told Howard that he used a temporary paint on his ass. He said most of the ink ran down his leg from the sweat. Sal said it looked like diarrhea running down his leg. Artie said that the two of them were painting each other's cocks and it was looking like they were blowing each other. Sal also said that he has this new trick where he puts a cigarette in the hole of his penis. Howard heard that and told him to get out of there. Richard said his foreskin also gets longer when he runs around.
Sal told Howard that Richard told him that he needed to keep his underwear clean because he needed to wear them for 3 or 4 days. Howard seemed to be irritated by that and sounded like he wanted to get them out of there. Artie said he threw a basketball really hard at Richard when he was chasing him around with his cock out. Sal and Richard also said they were raping Jon Hein while they were out. Howard said he likes that they're up for playing naked basketball.
Howard said that Sal has become quite an attraction on Howard TV with the stuff he's doing. One of the most watched segments is Sal doing the Baba Booey Dance on Howard TV. Howard read that Sal had wiped his paint covered penis on Jon Hein's jacket and ruined it. He said he can't really do that.
Howard played a couple of clips like Larry King bringing up the word ''faggot'' with Bill Maher and then claiming that he was just quoting Ann Coulter and that he hadn't said it himself. He also played a clip of Donald Trump going off on Rosie O'Donnell again.
Howard still had the guy on the phone and he was asking for an autograph from Howard. Howard said he used to sign all kinds of stuff but it becomes a mailing nightmare so he stopped doing it. He said he's not trying to be an asshole, he just can't sign stuff that gets mailed there. He told the guy he might run into him some day and he'd be happy to sign his stuff.
Howard mentioned the web site he talked about yesterday where they discussed Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica. Today he heard about a site where people get together because they're all fans of Pi... and not the kind of pie you eat. He said Gary told him about that site. They spent a short time on that but then Howard got back to the Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica thing. Jason came in and said that the Enterprise would win hands down. Their technology was more advanced. Robin said that Galactica can do that jump thing and disappear. Jason still thinks that The Enterprise would win in a battle.
Robin got into the argument and said that the Enterprise gets destroyed in every movie so they have a new one with each new movie. They were arguing about that going back and forth for a couple of minutes. Howard said that every 'vagine' in America dried up when they heard Jason come in to talk about that nerdy stuff.
Howard said he felt bad for Regis and he thinks that he should just bow out at this point and have some fun with the rest of his life. Robin said that Bob Barker has been doing that Price is Right forever and he seemed to enjoy that. Howard said Regis is going to be out for 4 or 5 weeks and people are wondering if it's going to last now.
Gary came in and aid that Kathie Lee has to give Regis messages through a TV show because she can't even talk to him herself. Howard played an audio clip from a show she's on where she gave him some loving wishes. Donald Trump also had a message for Regis and said that there's no one tougher than Regis. Trump actually got a phone call from Regis while Kathie Lee can't even get to him.
Gary said that he can remember Jackie asking for more money after they started going to more markets when they were on terrestrial radio. He said they should talk to him about all of that when he comes in today. Howard wondered if Jackie's salary was lowered when they lost affiliates over there. Robin said you could always see the numbers going through Jackie's head when they'd go through all of that stuff.
Howard talked about how punchy he got when Jackie was going through his negotiations. He said he had just met Beth before Jackie left the show. He said he remembered Jackie telling him to have a great time with that lovely woman he was dating. He figured Jackie was looking for a new woman himself and he might have to help him get her. Robin said it's always a calculated thing with Jackie when he says things like that.
The guys talked more about the way Jackie would go through his contract negotiations and screw up the show with them. Howard said Jackie actually taught him a huge lesson. He taught him that he's actually fine on his own and he doesn't need to get horseshitted around in the business. Robin said that she kicked and screamed at Howard to get rid of Jackie and not worry about keeping the show together like that. Howard said he has really changed because of Jackie and he realizes that he's okay with him not being there. That's why he's okay with Artie being on the show and needing to go do other things. If Artie leaves, the show will be fine and that's why he lets him keep a limited contract with the show.
Eric said that it would be kind of funny but it would ruin the American Idol tour and he wouldn't want to go. Howard told Eric to think it through and call back later in the show. Howard wants to vote for Sanjaya and get in on the VoteForTheWorst.com vote. He said it might just totally blow up the whole show if they can make that happen.
Howard told Eric that admitting that he wore PJ pants and wet his bed was bad enough. He said he was telling some people about that and they think that he had a wet dream, he didn't pee his bed. Eric said it was pee, he didn't have a wet dream. Eric said he knows the difference between pee and the other stuff, one is sticky. Artie and Howard said they can both be sticky.
Howard asked if he could send in his pants so they could have them tested to see what he did. Robin wondered what he was wearing at the time he made the call to Johnny Fratto asking for the hit. Howard said he was probably in his PJ pants and may have wet them already. Eric described the PJ pants he was wearing and how they were in the 'Niner's colors. Howard ended up playing the hit call that Eric made to Johnny Fratto that they played on the show yesterday. Eric told Johnny to find this guy Jerry and told him ''You know what to do... you know what to do.''
Robin asked Eric how many PJ pants he owns. Fred did his impression of him and said he has pants for each of the NFL teams. Howard played a bit that Sal and Richard created but it wasn't going over very well. Howard stopped it and said that Sal doing that voice isn't all that funny. They were goofing on Eric but the goof was actually on them according to Howard. He told them to make some phony phone calls instead. He started the bit over again and goofed on Sal and Richard for doing what they were doing. Howard didn't like the voice that Sal was doing for his ''black guy'' so he told him to maybe get someone else to do the voice.
Howard got back to the American Idol thing and said that it would be great if they did the Sanjaya thing and got him voted as American Idol. Eric said he didn't want to be part of that. Howard thinks that all hell will break loose if they do that. Howard told Eric that he's a gangster, he should go wild with them. Eric refused to go along with it. Robin said that any guy who orders a hit should get this. Eric said he wasn't ordering a hit, he was just asking Johnny to talk to the guy to get him to apologize.
Howard said that Eric is no fun, just like a wet pee spot on a bed. He asked Eric who he's going to be voting for today. Eric said he's going to vote for anyone but that guy. Fred pointed out that Eric wasn't a fan of Fantasia either. Eric was upset about her background, that's why he didn't like her. He said she's a high school dropout who got knocked up and is illiterate. Robin said he's not such a great role model himself. That led to them talking about that call he made to Johnny Fratto. Eric said that Johnny helped him out with someone else who had given out his personal information. Howard said that kid is a real buzz kill. He thought he could have some fun with this American Idol thing but that didn't happen. He let Eric go a short time later.
Howard wondered what Eric did after he wet his pants. Robin said he did go back to bed so he must have changed his pants. Howard figured that took him a good hour to do. Howard did his impression of Eric ordering that hit and talking about how he was saying he didn't order a hit.
Howard and the guy spent a little time talking about who else was in the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame induction. They spent some time talking about Grand Master Flash for a few minutes. They were talking about some guy that works there at SIRIUS and they weren't sure if it was Grand Master Flash or not. Artie didn't think it was him but it turns out it is. That guy works there and was at Ross' wedding. Howard listened to some of ''The Message'' from Grand Master Flash but Howard had to cut it off because he was getting a headache. They also played ''White Lines'' and there was some confusion about who actually sang it. Howard said he didn't give a fuck and wanted to just go to commercial. Fred said that it was Grand Master Flash according to what he was reading on his screen.
Sal came in and told Howard that he knew all of this stuff because he was into that crap back when he was in the ''Circuit Breakers.'' Sal told Howard what was actually happening back then but Howard didn't care and told him he didn't give a shit. He said he just wanted to know who made the record. Sal said that's what he was trying to help out with. Fred told Howard that Sal was on the right track and explained more about it but Howard said he didn't care, it's so dumb.
Howard said he so doesn't care and hates this discussion they're having. Artie said they certainly don't belong in the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame. Howard said he wants to talk about more important things like getting that kid Sanjaya to be the American Idol. He went to break a short time later.
Howard read through some e-mail about Benjy's 20 pounds and a lot of people don't believe it. Some people think that Benjy may have eaten bananas and drank water because that's one way to gain. Howard said Benjy didn't cheat by overeating if that's how he put on the pounds. He said it's not healthy but it's not illegal in the contest.
Lisa G said that they have a story about how a production team contacted Artie's manager wanting to put out a Best of Artie Lange MAD TV DVD. Howard said he would buy that, he'd like to see Artie's stuff on that show. Howard said he doesn't give a shit about anyone else on that show so he'd like to see an all Artie thing. Artie said it wouldn't have come about if it wasn't for Howard. Howard told him to just take it.
Lisa said that Artie's assistant went on stage at his show this weekend and the audience was yelling out ''Homo'' when he came out. Artie said it was actually pretty beautiful. Lisa wrapped up her preview and Howard let her go.
Howard said that they only have 150 students at the school and 5,000 had applied. He moved on to Bob who claims that his wife is addicted to Oprah's show. She does whatever Oprah suggests that women do. Howard said Gary had a similar problem with his wife. The guy said his wife has to buy all of the books in Oprah's book club. She's also looking to find this psychic guy that does the show. She has to have something to do with every person that's involved with the show. His wife buys anything that's plugged on her show and he has to pay for it.
Robin said that Gary's problem was that Gary wanted to watch the movie ''Crash'' but Mary didn't want to watch it until Oprah said that it's a great movie. Then Gary's wife had to see it and own the movie. Howard said this guy Bob's wife even has weight fluctuations based on Oprah's weight.
Bob said that he even has to watch Oprah in bed. He said he wasn't thinking of having Oprah in bed when he thought about a threesome. Bob said his wife even suggested that they adopt an African baby and send it to Oprah's school. He had to have an intervention with his wife to break her of all of this stuff. Howard asked if she realized what it was doing to her. Bob said she just told them ''Wow, I guess you guys just don't get it...'' Bob said she had to go to this O-Group thing and that makes things even worse because they talk about Oprah even more.
Bob said he's not sure what to do anymore. He wanted to know if other guy's lives are like this and they have to buy thousands of dollars worth of crap that they sell on Oprah's show. Howard took a call from a guy who asked why Bob can't keep a leash on his wife. Howard wondered how that's supposed to happen. The caller said he has to throw the TV out and then make his wife watch Monday Night Football. Bob thought that was kind of dumb, throwing your TV out and then trying to watch football.
Bob said he's been married for 20 years and he loves his wife. Howard took another call from a woman who said that she's just as avid a fan of Howard's as Bob's wife is with Oprah. Howard said that she's not going to stop eating meat just because he stops though. The caller said that's true but that's because she's not insane. Howard and the woman on the phone talked about something that Roseanne had said yesterday about how Oprah could have opened up hundreds of schools with that $40 million she spent on that one school in African. Howard said she's creating an elitist society by doing that. Those girls over there will never be able to live up to those standards unless they move here to the U.S.
The woman on the phone told Bob that his wife might be mentally ill and might need some help. Bob said that Oprah is a promotion machine and it's like she's commanding women what to do on her show. Howard let Bob go a short time later and asked him to keep in touch to keep them up to date on what's going on.
Howard played some edited clips from Oprah's audio book. He had Oprah saying all kinds of sick things that she never really said. Howard also took another call from a guy who said that he's in his last semester of law school because of Howard. He said Oprah isn't the only one who influences people because he's going because of Howard. Howard said that he inspired him though, he didn't command him to go to law school. Howard let that guy go and took another call from a guy who asked if everyone is going a little crazy now that they're on satellite. He pointed out that Howard is on Ambien, Artie is eating, Robin is on a race track and some other things.
The caller was also talking about how Bubba isn't able to do much of anything on his show these days. He's been banned from doing a lot of stuff and one of the latest things is that he can't choke people unconscious on the air anymore. Howard said he doesn't want to see anyone die on his show so he can kind of understand why they've banned him from doing some stuff over there. Howard said he knows Bubba likes those extreme stunts though.
After the introduction Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony got up to speak a little. Michael said some nice things about Eddie even though he was kicked out of the band. Michael said that he loves Eddie and wishes that he was there. Howard said he was liking what he was hearing but Robin said she was at the point where she was ready to bail. Howard went through a little more but fast forwarded through quite a bit of Michael Anthony's speech to get to Sammy. He played through some of that but cut it off after a short time. Howard said it's a shame what happened to that bad because they really were the greatest.
Artie said that those guys showing up to the Hall of Fame is like Howard and Robin getting inducted into the Radio hall of fame and he and Benjy showing up to accept. Howard went on to play a clip of Velvet Revolver covering some Van Halen songs. They were awful. Howard said he thought Slash was good playing guitar at the start of ''Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love.'' Howard only lasted through a few seconds of that performance. He played a little bit of Sammy Hagar talking about how he'd like Eddie to get through rehab and maybe then get back together with the band.
Howard said this letter that Chubby sent to him is about 4 pages long. He started to read it and it looked like a press release. Then he read that Chubby has been a fan of the show for a long time and he was always a supporter of his. He was there in Philly congratulating him at his Philly book signing. He pointed out some of the things that Howard has said about him in the past and how he shouldn't have trashed his album before listening to the whole thing. Chubby was upset that Howard didn't know anything about him. Howard read all of the things that Chubby had accomplished in his career. Howard thought that he had just had one hit, The Twist, but he has had other hits like the Limbo song and others. He went off on Howard and seemed very angry with the letter.
Robin wanted to get Chubby on the phone and Gary said he could make that happen. Howard continued to read through the letter and Chubby seems to think that Howard was booted out of terrestrial radio but Howard corrected him on that.
Gary said he and the guys in the office were talking about how Chubby was upset that he isn't in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Gary said he kind of laughed when he heard that because he really was a one hit wonder. Fred said that Chubby didn't even write The Twist, it was Hank Ballard who wrote it and had a minor hit with that. Howard said he didn't know he was going to have a war going with Chubby.
Artie said he sat next to Chubby on a plane about 11 years ago and Chubby's advice to him was to call his agent every day because he might forget about him if he doesn't. Gary went out and tried to call Chubby but he came back and said he got his voice mail. He said he was very nice sounding in the outgoing message.
Artie talked about how Chubby had told him that people had come for ''The Twist'' but stuck around for ''The Pony.'' That led to Fred playing some of ''The Pony'' song which was another hit of Chubby's. Howard demonstrated the dance moves for that song and then Fred played some of his other songs like ''The Fly'' which was another Twist-like song. Gary said he'd love to see the list of rejected song ideas he had over the years.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Chubby Checker impression. He also did some of his Cousin Brucie impression and then Chubby performing a Van Halen song. Howard didn't last too long with that and hung up on Sour Shoes.
Howard said he had no idea he was in a war with Chubby. They played some other songs of Chubby's like ''The Hucklebuck'' which is one that Artie recognized from ''The Honeymooners.'' Fred played some ''Limbo'' song as Howard was doing his Cousin Brucie impression. He congratulated himself on doing a great Cousin Brucie impression. He went into that a few times after Robin would mention him from the notes she was reading about Chubby.
Robin read off the names of the songs that Chubby put out over the years and Howard was introducing them as if he were Cousin Brucie. The echo on his voice was giving him a headache. He said they have to get Chubby on the show to straighten all of this stuff out. He played some of Chubby's new song ''Knock Down the Wall'' which is the one h was goofing on recently. He said he thought it was actually good and didn't think he had called it shit like Chubby said. He let the song play a little bit and did a little more of his Cousin Brucie.
Howard asked Robin if she can think of anyone Chubby's age making a comeback. Robin said that he needs someone like Justin Timberlake to do a song with him to help him with his comeback. Artie asked how old Chubby is. No one was sure.
Howard brought in some movies for Robin to watch. That led to him talking about some movie clips he had to play. He had some clips from this movie ''Jesus Camp'' which was about a camp where they teach kids about the bible and stuff. He played one clip where they were warning young kids about evil people and telling them that Harry Potter was evil and an enemy of God. The little kids give this woman an ''amen'' when she tells the kids that Warlocks would have been put to death in the past.
Robin wondered what was up with the woman playing the bongo while telling the kids that stuff. It sounded very evil too. Howard played another clip from this ''Jesus Camp'' movie where the kids are asked to bless President Bush and then this woman starts speaking in tongues. Howard liked that so he replayed the woman speaking in tongues. He said they're too lazy to learn another language so they just do the speaking in tongues. The woman then has the kids saying ''Mr. President... One nation under GOD!!!'' Howard said they've also got the kids talking about how against abortion they are. The little kids are telling President Bush to stop ''murder'' in the country and asking him to stop killing the ''Army of God.'' Howard said that stuff is pretty frightening. It's just as bad as the Taliban.
Fred was saying that Jackie used to be an asshole when he was working there and Artie is just the opposite of that. Jackie said he wasn't going to break Fred's balls today. He said he was prepared to do that though. He said he asked Fred to go to dinner with him but he got an e-mail response from him where he said it was ''a little blustery'' and didn't want to go. He laughed and said that he could have just said no. Fred gave him a quick ''no'' and continued to goof on Jackie. He was saying he looked like he had turned to stone.
Fred said that it's all about Jackie when it comes to what he did to the show. He doesn't like the way Jackie left the show so he was goofing on him about that. Jackie said that people think that Fred is the crazy one and no one thinks he's crazy. Robin corrected him on that. Howard said he can't wait for Jackie to start goofing on Gary.
Jackie said that he just signed on to do another year of shows there at Howard 101. They do their show at 7pm on Tuesday nights on Howard 101. Tonight they're doing ''The Finger Banging Show.'' Howard said his sister likes his show and she didn't think she was going to. Jackie said it's a fun show, he just tells his jokes and stories about his life. Howard said he's just doing his thing and he's a part of the family again.
Howard thought that Fred was against him giving Jackie the show. Fred said that's not true, but now that he's heard the show, it may have been against his better judgment. Jackie wondered what Fred's beef is with him. Howard said he could explain it and said that it's the negotiations and everything that went on around that.
Howard asked Jackie if he's involved with any women now. Jackie said he's got nothing going on. He then said he's 59 years old. Howard told Jackie that he could still get laid if he was still on the show. Artie is getting laid left and right. Jackie said that left and right is a long way away on Artie. He laughed at his own joke of course.
Howard said that Artie is going to follow in Jackie's steps and buy a beach house soon. He asked Jackie if he's really dating. Jackie said he is and he's dating anyone who comes along. He has a bunch of different people he dates and everything is cool. He's working his ass off for the Jackie's Joke Hunt show too.
Howard asked Jackie if he was friends with Richard Jeni. Jackie said he used to be pretty close to him but he hasn't seen him more than a couple of times in the past 20 years. He never thought that he would be a guy who would kill himself. Jackie said he tried to get Richard on the show for years but they didn't have him on until after he left.
Howard said that Richard Jeni once found a ''spanner'' shit that his wife had taken. Jackie said Richard had gone to the bathroom and found the spanner in there like a log going across a river. Howard asked Jackie if that's why Richard killed himself, after seeing her shit. Jackie said that Nancy ate a lot but she was always thin and she must have shit out everything she ate. Jackie said that she must have flushed but the shit stayed in there.
Jackie said he was on the Scott Ferrall show and talking about Gary and they were goofing on Gary's lips and making the analogy that he's like a chick with big tits because you know your eyes are going to drift there. He said you end up looking at his lips while he's talking. Howard said he agrees and his lips are hypnotizing. Jackie said he was laughing so hard because the last time he was on over at K-Rock it was so much fun to fart around. He remembers looking over at Gary and seeing those lips and it all came back to him.
Gary said Jackie gets a weird tone in his voice when he starts goofing on his lips. Jackie said he loved the line that one of the guys did at the roast when he said Gary's teeth look like a line of urinals at Shea Stadium. Gary liked the way Jackie changed subjects and moved right over from Fred to his teeth. That's what Jackie is best at.
Howard said Jackie once picked out a mistake that Gary made in one of his emails and has been goofing on him ever since. Gary wrote ''amke'' instead of make and Jackie still writes that in his e-mails to goof on Gary. Jackie and Howard talked about the old days when Jackie could never let go of goofing on Gary. Howard said he'd goof on Gary for a while and he'd be all done but Jackie would pick up on one more thing and it would lead to them goofing on him even more.
Artie said he liked hearing the stories about Jackie goofing on Gary at all times, even when they weren't on the air. Jackie would even pick up two pieces of paper and hold them up to his mouth like two giant teeth. Gary said he would cut out pieces of paper and tape them to any picture they had in the studio making giant teeth for Gary. Howard said he also loved doing the paintings of Gary that they were doing. Jackie said that Fred came out of nowhere and did the Booey Lisa which was a great piece of art. Gary said he remembers walking into a room and seeing the three guys painting pictures of him with berets on their heads in a back office off the air. They didn't even have a camera in there.
Gary said that the guys would draw pictures of him on 8x10 pieces of paper and they actually had a wall covered in these pictures. Then they'd have a new picture and they'd argue over which one they were going to take down. Howard said he'd love to have a display of all of those pictures in a museum or something. Jackie said that would be great if they did that. He had a ton of pictures that he did himself. Howard said they also morphed into drawing their channel 9 show producer Dan Forman.
Jackie said that he thinks Gary is still mad at him for coming up with the idea to have the Gary puppet's mouth move when he talked on his office microphone. Gary said that he was mad at Jackie for having the puppet stolen. Jackie said he had nothing to do with that even though he'd love to take credit for it. Gary said John blamed Jackie for it but Jackie denied having anything to do with it. Gary said he was such a sucker for that scam. He was doing an appearance at a car stereo place and the owner asked him to come out and check out this stereo system he had in his car. When he went back, the puppet was gone.
Gary said he got the license plate number of the guy who stole the puppet. He had the number run but it was one digit off so he got nothing. Jackie thought that was great, Gary had the number and a cop to run it, but it was just one number off.
Howard had Jack and Rod Show that Sal and Richard did where they used some of Jackie's ''Give Rodney a Chance'' joke to goof on a guest caller they had. They played clips of Jackie doing that classic joke and asking the black guy on the phone various questions. Jackie said he thought that was pretty funny.
Howard got back to Richard Jeni and asked Jackie more about him. Jackie said he really didn't know him all that well. He said that Jeni was once at a gig he was at and Jeni was doing some Jewish Jokes down south where they had no idea what he was talking about. Jeni was frustrated because they didn't get his jokes so he asked the crowd if any of them knew what a bagel was. Someone yelled out ''yeah, it's a huntin' dog.''
Jackie told a story about another comedian who killed himself about 25 years ago. The guy was great but he couldn't get a gig. He would make all of the comedian's crack up but the audience wouldn't laugh at him. He remembered that guy getting a job as a Santa Clause at a department store. He told someone that he was happy to have a steady job which made Jackie laugh his ass off.
Howard asked Jackie when he last got laid. Jackie said it was just this morning. He's not having trouble with that. Gary said that Jackie and Fred used to do everything together on the show years ago. Then Jackie had negotiated that ''head writer'' thing and he thinks that they weren't quite as close after that. Fred said it was uncomfortable but Jackie said that no one could even tell. Jackie said that he loves Fred ''Morris'' and he never thought he was uncomfortable with the head writer thing.
Jackie said that when they were working at channel 9, he was told he was going to be a segment producer. He didn't want to be a segment producer so he asked to be a writer. He was the one who was the last one to see stuff before it go to Howard and he wanted to be the head writer. Fred heard all of that and said that was classic Jackie stuff. Fred said he felt like Jackie was putting himself above him with that stuff. Fred said he was writing just as much as Jackie was and it just wasn't right.
Fred said that Jackie appointed himself head writer and that's what upset him. He wasn't given that title, he came up with it himself. The two of them went back and forth about that and nothing came out of it. Howard gave Jackie some plugs for some gigs he has coming up soon. He'll be doing a bunch of stuff in the New Jersey area and you can find out more about that stuff at JokeLand.com.
Dominic Barbara called in and told them to talk about the last negotiation that Jackie failed at. Howard didn't get to that but Jackie joked about Dominic's many wives and told him he's got to stop rolling over on them. Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to play Stump the Joke Man. He asked how copper wire was invented. Jackie did an impression of himself and said ''Two Jews fighting over a penny...''
Benjy had some things to say to Jackie. He said that Jackie did invent what he does for the show. He was also saying that Jackie could have ruined that job as well. He said that Jackie was always kind of mean to him off the air when he was around. Jackie basically told Benjy that he wouldn't waste his time even thinking about him. He didn't think he had ever done anything rude to him and Benjy wasn't able to come up with an example. Howard said he did get invited to Jackie's parties and stuff. Benjy said it was stuff that's happened in the past couple of years but Jackie said he's only been on the show twice in the past 6 years.
A woman called in and said that she was going to tune into Alt Nation while Jackie was on because she hates him so much. She said she'd rather hear Artie chewing on a muffin. Another caller said that the only reason Jackie is in there is because he's promoting something. Howard said that's what all guests do. He didn't think Jackie was doing anything wrong. Howard took a couple more phone calls and let some people goof on Jackie a little bit. Some people didn't like Jackie in there but others were happy to hear Fred goofing on Jackie.
Fred asked Jackie how often Stuttering John contacts him. He thinks that Jackie stopped calling John until John went to the Tonight Show and got off the Stern show. Jackie said that's just not true. Another caller asked Jackie why he and his wife split up. Jackie said things all started to go bad on their honeymoon. He really didn't seem to want to talk about that stuff though. Jackie said he's still good pals with his wife. They're good friends and it's just like they're still married because they're friends and not having sex.
Jackie said that his ex wife is with a guy that looks 100 years younger than he does. He said she's like 10 years younger than he is and the new boyfriend is like 10 years younger than she is so he feels like calling him ''son.''
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Jackie is still a real estate mogul. Jackie asked the guy if he's ever heard of divorce. Jackie said he has an apartment in the city and one house on the beach, Nancy got the other homes. She got JokeLand Central. Howard said it's like Nancy is head writer now. Jackie said he told Nancy he was coming on and she told him to send her love to them there.
Howard wrapped up with Jackie and gave him some more plugs for his stuff. He was ready to go to break but Jackie had one more joke to tell before he left. Howard gave him another plug for Jackie's Joke Hunt and then Jackie told the joke that Fred thought was going to be something new. Jackie then started to tell another story and Fred started to play some snoring sound effects. He said that wasn't going to stop him from telling this story though. He told a story about a joke he told about Fred being from Pluto and he thinks Fred is still upset over that. Howard wrapped up and Jackie asked Ronnie to come in and help him walk by Fred. He was just joking around of course. Howard went to commercial after that.
Howard had this guy Jerry on the phone. This is the Jerry that Eric the Midget wants put in line. Jerry said that call kind of scared him the first time he heard it. He said he knew Eric was kind of jerky. He also admitted that he was wrong about the handicapped ramps there. He said that he was corrected over that after he made the call and he wasn't sure about that until he was corrected.
Howard thanked Jerry for the call and was about to hang up but the guy had more to say. He said that he just watched the ''Shit Freckles'' show that's up on Howard TV. He said it was very funny. Howard said they have the Bubba Wedding coming up soon as well. He said they have a lot of stuff to watch up there and it's all at your own leisure to go through it at your own pace.
Jerry said that he's really annoyed by the way the credits run backwards on Howard TV. Howard didn't know that and wondered why they do that. Jerry also told Robin he likes her new glasses and thinks they're very cute. Robin said she has a couple of pairs and she just started wearing a different pair, that's what he's seeing.
Howard read a story about Sylvester Stallone getting into trouble for having some kind of human growth hormone when he was stopped in an airport. He wondered when that guy is going to give up on all of that crap. He said it's really sad. The guys spent a short time talking about the Rocky series before getting back to the news preview.
Steve got back to his news preview and said they'll be talking more about Robin's race car almost-crash out in California. Howard asked Robin what she's doing with that racing thing. He wants her to just stop it already. He said that Robin was almost in a low speed crash and there was only one other car there.
Steve said that Howard 100 News has a major announcement today. They're offering Katie Couric a job there at Howard 100 News since things don't seem to be working out over at CBS. Howard heard that her ratings are even lower than the replacement they had in for her recently. Howard wondered why Katie is so unwatchable so he asked Jon Hein why that is. Jon said that people think she's just puff and they don't want to see her doing serious news. He thinks that she'll move to something else and get her out of the evening news but CBS will never admit they made a mistake. The guys talked about Katie and other things like Howard's replacements on terrestrial radio. He said those people are supposed to work out and get huge ratings but it just doesn't happen. He said they try to recreate something huge and it just doesn't work.
Howard went around the studio asking each of the guys what they thought would happen to Katie. Robin said she thinks they'll just move her around to another show. Jon Hein thinks they'll move her to 60 Minutes and she'll do some specials but she won't do mornings. Howard said he thinks she'll replace Opie and Anthony. Artie thinks that she'll take over for Kevin James in ''King of Queens'' and Fred thinks that she'll just be moved. Benjy said he thinks that she'll start dancing like Ellen Degenres at the start of the news and it'll become huge.
Steve said they've been trying to get in touch with Kim Komando since yesterday's show but she hasn't been returning their calls. Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Jackie's visit to the show and the return to the old days with him. They'll also be talking about the Chubby Checker letter that Howard got. Howard said he's going to tell Chubby, if he calls in, that he didn't invite him to his book signing or any other event he showed up to. He said Chubby was at those events for himself, not for the show. Artie said that him showing up to a huge book signing was obviously for himself.
Jon mentioned a couple more things that they'll be covering today on the Wrap Up Show and then Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard told Chubby he doesn't hate him and Chubby said he knows that. Robin said that Chubby was saying that he has been there for Howard over the years. Chubby said he really has been there and he's wanted to go see him doing his thing because he's a fan. He said he wasn't there to ''help'' him, he was just there as a fan. Howard told Chubby that he's not down on him and he wishes him the best. Howard said Cousin Brucie wanted to say hello to him so he went into his impression and cracked Chubby up a little bit.
Howard said he felt really shitty about that letter he got from chubby. Chubby asked Howard to let people know about his new album and maybe play a little bit of it. Howard let him go a short time later. Robin got back into her news after that.
Robin cover the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductions in the news. That got the guys talking about Van Halen and some of the other things that were going on in that show. Howard was saying that Patty Smythe was inducted so his old friend Meg Griffin must have been cumming in her pants over that. He and the guys talked about her a little bit and had fun goofing around with some porn clips and pretending that was Meg cumming. Howard said he was willing to bet that Meg was there at the induction show.
Howard took a call from a guy who was wondering if Beth looks in the mirror while brushing her teeth and thinks about how she could have been with any quarterback or any other hot looking guy. Howard said Beth tells him that she finds him fascinating and she really does love him and she prefers him over some good looking guy. He said it is pretty shocking when he looks over at Beth and thinks about how good looking she is. He said he's such a misery and people can't imagine how awful it must be for Beth to live with him. He said she's told him that she loves her life with him. He said she rolled over to him last night and told him she's the happiest she's ever been in her life. He joked that John Stamos was in bed with them at the time.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show saying he was tired from staying up late watching American Idol last night. He said all of America is going to suffer because of that. He talked about how bad that Sanjaya dude was on the show. Robin said that he was kind of good when he auditioned but it must have been just the one song that he's good at. Howard said he was thinking all day how Eric the Midget won't go along with the voting for him because it'll ruin the American Idol tour. Howard said he hopes that Eric's health is okay. He worries about him.
Howard said Artie did something nice for him and picked up the DVD for Casino Royale. He never got to see it so he's happy he got that. Artie said he never got to see Borat either so he picked that up. He told Howard he went across to an FYE store near SIRIUS and picked up a few things. Fred said that Barnes and Noble also carry DVDs since Howard was wondering where Artie buys that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been listening to the show for a very long time and he's there to prove that a person can listen to the show for a long time and turn out just fine. He's in law school. Howard said he loves the guys who go to law school and can't pass the BAR exam. Artie talked about how funny it was when John F. Kennedy Jr. failed the BAR a bunch of times. He goofed on him about that for a short time.
Artie asked Howard and Robin if they thought JFK Jr. would have run for office at some point. Howard said he thinks he would have been Anna Nicole's baby's father at some point. Fred played some country music that he plays when he has someone with a Southern accent on the phone. The guy kind of flipped out on him and complained that it's one thing about the show that has gnawed at him for a long time. Robin was arguing with the guy so Howard said the show felt like it was getting kind of out of control. The caller said he just wanted to tell them how much he enjoys the show.
Howard said that Tim Sabean was talking to him about the people who came in from all over the country to see Bubba's show out in Las Vegas over the weekend. Howard said the bulk of the radios that were bought when they first came over were probably from the New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia area but now it's all over the country.
Howard mentioned that Chris Rock was coming in today. He said Andy Richter will be in tomorrow and they have Angie Everhart coming in soon. He and Fred talked about how she was definitely a Super Model. Howard dated her for a short time and he said when he was going out with her he would rent her movies and beat off to them because she was nude in a few. He said he also beat off to Beth in FHM magazine one time. Artie said he did too but then said he was just joking.
The caller was getting too annoying so Howard had to hang up on him. That led to Howard and Artie talking about how people with Southern accents can sound kind of dumb. They referred to a Lenny Bruce bit where he talks about what it would be like if Einstein was from the South. They did their impressions of Einstein and goofed on that and also brought Richard's comments into that. Howard said he has to find that Lenny Bruce bit and play it on the air.
Howard said they have the Nude Basketball recap today. Sal and Richard played with a couple of women who play naked. Artie said he saw one chick and she's cute and she's actually good at basketball. Howard said that chick has a whole beef with the porn industry because she doesn't get paid the same as white chicks do.
Howard said he watched some of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame show and it just dragged on. He said it was over 4 hours long and it was extremely boring. It was just horrible. He said he could never sit through that without fast forwarding through most of it. He said when people start to talk on those shows you just start to zone out. He mentioned Keith Richards inducting the Ronnettes into the hall of fame and rambling on and on. He wasn't even sure the guy was talking about the Ronnettes. He was goofing on Richard's hair do and how he should just have a crew cut at this point in his life.
Gary came in and talked about going to those Hall of Fame shows. He said he went to see Springsteen inducted into the hall of fame and Bono spent about 10-15 minutes inducting him and then Bruce got up to talk and spent about 45 minutes talking and thanking people. He also saw Steely Dan get inducted and they did a quick thing but they had people planted in the audience asking them questions.
Howard talked about the Van Halen induction and how Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony weren't the guys who people wanted to see. They were wondering why Alex didn't show up and figured that maybe he was afraid that he'd get kicked out of the band if he did something his brother didn't want him to do. That led to the guys talking about Alex's drum playing. Richard came in and said that Alex is an amazing drummer and it's amazing when you hear a unique sound from a drummer. He said even his snare drum sounds unique. Howard said that Richard was a drummer but now he's doing phony phone calls.
Howard was wondering when this naked basketball thing is going to be airing on Howard TV. Doug came in and tried to help but Howard just bitched at him for not giving him shorter notes. Doug said if he doesn't give him enough, he complains, if he gives him too much information, he complains. He can't win. Howard eventually found that the special is airing Thursday night after midnight on Howard TV.
Howard got back to Sanjaya and talked about him a little more. He was talking about how odd the guy looks. Artie also brought up the hot chick whose nude pictures ended up on the web. He said she was really hot.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he wasn't going to be able to listen to the show today so he wanted Howard to ask him a few questions. King is going to get some tests done so he won't be able to listen. King said he's lost about 52 pounds and he thinks he looks like a model now. He told Howard to ask Chris about why he thinks his movies never do well. Howard said that's because he doesn't do good movies. Howard said Chris is in a weird zone right now. He said movies are really tricky and he's kind of worried that Chris wrote and directed this new movie of his and he's afraid it's not going to go over very well.
Artie said that Chris Rock is going to come in there and be hilarious and sometimes his movies aren't that good. Then a Will Ferrall comes in and is boring but his movies are very funny. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.
King said this new movie doesn't look all that great and he's not sure how it will do. He was also saying that he kind of stumbled on Chris' house and said that it's beautiful. He said the house isn't too far from his house. He was also saying that Lil Kim's house is also up in that area so he wants Howard to ask him if he does live near her. That way he'll know if he found Chris' house or not.
Howard is wondering what's up with Chris Rock's marriage. That led to the guys talking about marriage problems. King thinks that money can help some marriages out but Howard said that's not what it's all about. Artie said that money doesn't keep a couple together usually. Howard wrapped up with King and let him go after he tried to be funny a little too much.
Howard had a clip from American Idol where Dianna Ross said ''Pronounciate'' a bunch of times. She was saying it loudly and saying it as if she was right. Howard said he knows he's not that bright but he wouldn't say words like that if he didn't know for sure he was right.
Howard said Tim Sabean's spelling is the worst and he finds it hard to believe that a guy as bright as he is can screw up his spelling the way he does. Robin said it's a good thing that people don't send letters anymore. Howard said Tim sends a lot of mail on his Blackberry so Robin thought that it was the keyboard that was causing the problem. Howard said that's not the case.
Howard said today is Gary's birthday so he sent him a note the other day. He was going to send him a note about a gift certificate he was sending him for a restaurant but he wasn't sure he could spell restaurant so he just told him to go have a good dinner.
Howard and Gary talked about Dianna Ross and said that she was looking pretty good on that show last night. They seemed surprised that she's held up that well over the years. Fred told the guys that he just looked up ''Pronounciate'' and it is an actual word. Howard apologized but also said he's not sure that she's using the word correctly. He replayed the clip and still didn't think it sounded right.
Artie said that the chick he brought on stage was all drunk and she had some dude with her there at the show. She ended up mauling him at the show and her date was getting pissed off about the whole thing. He said that's one hassle he doesn't need at the show. This chick followed him into his limo where his mother and sister were waiting. He said she was sticking her tongue into his ear and stuff and he just couldn't get rid of her. Howard said if he really wanted her out, he would have found a way to get rid of her. If that was a dude, he wouldn't have let him into the limo.
Artie said the chick wanted to give him her phone number so she did that on his hand. She was all drunk trying to do it with his mother watching. She was telling him she wanted to fuck him so bad, right in front of his mother. He was annoyed by her but also made sure he had the right number.
Artie said Jim Florentine was with him on the way to the after party and he told him to just fuck her. He ended up calling the chick but her boyfriend answered the phone. He invited both of them to the after party. They both showed up and they were hanging out in this back room. He was talking to another hot chick and the drunk chick came over and started licking his face and stuff. She was still drinking a lot and she was drinking him under the table.
Artie said the drunk chick grabbed his cell phone and started looking at the numbers for Bob Saget and David Spade which were in the phone. He asked for his phone back but she said she was giving him her number. Then Florentine comes over to him and tells him that her boyfriend is there and he's pissed off. He warned him not to kiss her or anything. Artie told Jim to tell the guy to just grab his girl and get out of there.
The boyfriend then came over and gave her the finger and started cursing her out right in front of him. Artie told the guy to just get her out of his life if he didn't want her. The girl continued flirting with him but eventually she leaves. The next morning he got a text message from the chick who said she lives in New York and now she wants to get together with him. Artie said he's going to just try and get as much pussy as he possibly can. Howard said he's glad to hear that.
Artie said he hopes that dude isn't a maniac and doesn't come after him or anything. Howard said the dude probably wants to hold onto the hot chick. Artie said these broads just don't seem to care when it comes to the famous guys.
Artie said that the chick he's talking about was really hot. She's a little Italian broad, she's 23 and she was hot. He said he would have made out with her if her boyfriend wasn't there. Howard liked that his mother was there and he was making out with her in the car. Artie said he wasn't making out with her, she was sticking her tongue in his ear. Howard wondered why his mother was there. Artie said it's because they were at Symphony Hall in Boston. It was a big show and his mother wanted to get out.
Artie said he's bigger than he's ever been but this fame thing is amazing because chicks still want to bang him. Howard said he was on a tear after his divorce went through and he was going from one famous chick's house to the next when he was out in Malibu. Artie told Howard he could be going through a lot of famous chicks still. He said it would be an amazing career move for any celebrity chick.
Howard said he went to a party shortly after he was divorced and he had two actresses fighting over him. He said that one of the chicks grabbed him and brought up to a bathroom and wanted to blow him. He said it was amazing that it was happening. He said he was pushing people to the side trying to get to the bathroom.
Artie talked about David Spade trying to pick up a famous chick they were working with one time. He said that he never understood why he'd want a famous chick when he could be banging any hot regular chick. Howard said he kind of gets it and understands why that might go down. He said there's something really exciting about having a chick you've seen in the movies coming after you like that.
Artie said he had friends who were good with women and would get more chicks than he was getting even though he was on MAD TV. He said his friends weren't famous, they were just good with chicks. Howard said he heard a story from a famous chick who had a meeting with a producer one time who showed up in his underwear to a meeting. He wanted her to blow him but she claims she didn't do it. Howard said he can't imagine living with himself making someone do something like that. He said he could never live with himself if that's the way he handed out parts for movies.