Howard started off the show complaining about Gary yelling something and running out of the studio. He said that he yelled something and walked out. He wondered where Robin wanted to start this morning and figured it would be Anna Nicole Smith. Howard said he's pissed that Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole's boyfriend, is in the news because some people do get confused. He said that some reporters are calling him just Howard Stern and leaving out the K now.
Robin said that it was like all of a sudden they started dropping the K and she almost crashed her car when she heard that. Howard said that Howard is a tough name to go through life with. He said Dee Snider once told him he kind of made that name cool but now this guy Howard K. Stern is fucking up his brand. He said he turned to Beth the other day and said that if that was one of his competitors who had their name out there like that, he'd be kind of pissed. He also said he was thinking of changing his name to ''The Howard'' like Donald Trump is called ''The Donald.'' He also thought about changing it to Howard A. Stern but that would mean he'd be responding to Howard K. Stern.
Artie said there's a great storyline in the movie ''Office Space'' where there's a character by the name of Michael Bolton who refuses to change his name because he thinks that the singer Michael Bolton should be the one to change his name since he sucks.
Howard said there must be a lot of fans out there who haven't signed up for SIRIUS yet that are wondering about what he thinks of Howard K. Stern. After that he read an Australian newspaper where they report that it's the controversial radio show host, Howard Stern, how has been fighting over Anna's baby with Larry Birkhead. Howard also got a letter from a woman who was sending her condolences about the loss of Anna Nicole. The woman's writing was kind of poor but she was from Denmark. She also thinks that he was dating Anna Nicole. Howard said he just wants this resolved and out of the news.
Robin said that Howard should have a press conference today where he was going to announce that he's now just ''The Howard'' and no longer Howard Stern. He told Gary to get that together today so he can actually do that. Howard wants him to set up someone who can do an international report to make sure the word gets out everywhere.
Artie said he knew guys who swore that the H. Stern store in New York City was related to Howard in some way. Howard gave a yawn and asked if anyone else was as tired as him. Artie said he was pretty tired after doing a show on Saturday. He slept until 2 in the afternoon yesterday.
Howard mentioned that the Howard TV guys are putting together an Anna Nicole retrospective for Howard TV tonight. Gary said he hopes they show the first show she was ever on with them because she was a mess back then. Gary mentioned that they have some audio clips of Anna Nicole up on Howard's computer if he wanted to play those. The guys talked about what some people have been saying about Anna being a great mother now that she's dead. Howard said no one knows that she was a great mother.
Gary said he heard from one of the guys in the parking garage that the son was actually the father of his mother's baby and that's why he killed himself. The guys talked about some other crazy stuff that went on in Anna Nicole's life before Howard got to some audio clips.
The first audio clip Howard played was Chyna Doll on Larry King talking about how upset she was about the whole thing. Chyna said she saw the whole thing coming. She went on to tell Larry some stories about Anna Nicole while the guys goofed on her comments. They said that she must have been on top of Looney Mountain when she ''saw it coming'' with Anna Nicole. Larry also spoke to the wife of the CEO from Trim Spa and she said that she didn't think Chyna was right at all about seeing it coming. That woman said that Anna Nicole told her she wasn't friends with Chyna at all. Howard said it sounds like her appearance kind of backfired on her.
Gary said that this is some tribute to Anna Nicole, Larry talks to Chyna Doll and the wife of the CEO of Trim Spa. The wife goes on to tell Larry that she had so many fans and had a lot of love and hate relationships. Chyna says that her comments made her very angry but Larry cut her off and went to commercial break.
Gary said he heard that Howard K. Stern was away from the baby down in The Bahamas when Anna passed away. That led to the guys talking about that and about how weird this whole thing has turned out to be. They talked about the rumor about Anna Nicole's son being the father and how funny that would be if it turned out to be true. Howard said he's going to put $500 down now that Larry Birkhead is the father. He said he hates that he knows that name. Robin said she'd probably go with that as well.
Howard had some audio of Anna Nicole, from his show, where she says she would never have any feelings for Howard K. Stern. She said she looks at him like her brother and she's not attracted to him at all. She said she would do just about any guy but her lawyer (Howard K. Stern). Howard said it's kind of funny that he was the only guy that she wouldn't fuck. Robin said that's why she laughed when Anna announced that the baby's father was Howard K. Stern.
Howard had some more audio from the show where Benjy and Anna went into the studio bathroom when they were back at K-Rock. Benjy wanted to give her oral and offered to do it right there in the bathroom. Anna agreed and went into the bathroom with him. They went into Howard's bathroom in the studio but didn't actually do the oral thing because Anna claimed that she was on her period. Howard played some audio of the two of them whispering to each other in the bathroom.
Benjy said he did kiss Anna and felt her boobs. He said he did feel sad when he heard about her death last week. Howard continued to play the audio of Benjy telling Anna how attracted to her he was. He kisses her and asks Anna if she's nervous. She is nervous so Benjy tells her it's okay and continues to come on to her. Howard said that's when Anna was at her fattest too.
Benjy said he went back to Anna's hotel room that day and got to hang out with her a little more. He said there were about 8 people there though so it was kind of tough. The Howard TV guys showed some audio of Benjy making out with her back when they did that.
Howard got back to the audio of Chyna Doll talking about Anna on Larry King. In the next clip Chyna tells Larry that Anna didn't want to talk to her when she tried to contact her. She said that she was asked to come over and hang out with her. Howard said that it turns out the woman from Trim Spa was right, Anna didn't return her phone calls. The Trim Spa woman said that Anna told her that Chyna was kind of like a stalker and wouldn't leave her alone. Larry also asked Chyna about a movie that she and Anna had shot together and wondered if they're going to pull it. Chyna had some trouble answering most of the questions that Larry was asking her. Robin pointed out that she couldn't finish one sentence.
Howard played another Larry King clip where he asked Chyna had called anyone over on Anna's side to find out what's going on. After that he played another clip of Anna talking about doing Howard's show where the made fun of her weight after making her stand on a scale in the studio. That was on Sharon Osbourne's show and Sharon was talking about how mean it was for them to make fun of her weight. Anna said that she wanted to go back on the show and get an apology but Howard wouldn't let her come in with her cameras so she walked out.
Howard had some audio clips from some news reports where the reporters started dropping the K from Howard K. Stern. Howard said it started happening over the weekend, around Saturday, when the reporters started getting lazy. Robin said that she heard that happening as early as Thursday evening. Howard wondered if that's even that guy's real name or if he changed it to Howard Stern because he's a fan. Robin said it's possible that it was his real name.
Howard played more clips where the reporters left out the K and made it seem like it was Howard Stern who had been dating Anna and was the father of her baby. Howard said this reminds him of the Ayds weight loss product that was ruined by the AIDS virus when it became so prominent. He said that Howard K. Stern is ruining his good name. Howard said he is trying to look at this in a positive way because it's kind of keeping his name out there in a strange way. It could help remind people that he's still around. Robin said that it actually startled her when she heard them calling him Howard Stern and leaving out the K.
Howard played report after report where they left out that K and it was just wrong according to Artie. He said that they were irresponsible for reporting like that. Howard said he had some more clips from his show where he spoke to Howard K. Stern and asked him why they needed cameras in the studio back when they were trying to get in there. Howard K. Said they wanted to shoot for her TV show but Anna didn't want to come up if Howard wasn't going to apologize to her. That's when she went off on him on the phone and ended up hanging up on him. Howard said she was a very disturbed young lady in that clip.
Howard said he's an excellent judge of character. Artie confirmed that when he told Howard he's called him an over-eater. Howard went on to play more audio from the Anna Nicole interview where he offered her some free Trim Spa product so she could lose weight. She turned it down at the time but eventually hooked up with the company and did lose her weight with the product. Howard had guessed that she was up at 300 pounds back then and told Anna that's what his estimate was. Robin had guessed 287 and Fred had said 250. She said that Fred was about 20 pounds off at that point so Howard figures she was around 230.
Howard said they had a lot of tape of Anna to play. He went through a list and found one clip where the guys were asking her to get on the scale and yelling at her to do it. Stuttering John demanded that she get on but Benjy came to her rescue and yelled at John to leave her alone. Benjy was ready to fight John so they had to get John out of the studio. Howard told Anna that Benjy was in love with her. He said that whole thing was set up and both Benjy and John were in on the whole thing. Benjy was doing it so he could get closer to Anna. Anna kind of turned down the offer to go into the bathroom with Benjy at first but did say that she was going to be around the whole weekend.
Howard said he's now changing his name because of this Howard K. Stern thing and he's going to go with ''The Howard'' thanks to Donald Trump's ''The Donald.'' He said he has to go with anything other than Howard Stern because it's too confusing with Howard K. Stern now that they've started to drop the K in the news reports. Howard said he had to go through hell to get to where he is with his name while that other Howard didn't do anything.
Howard asked Larry to get the word out that he's now ''The Howard.'' Larry said he would get that done for him. Howard said he woke Larry out of bed to tell him that.
Howard said this story has to go away eventually and they'll have to stop hearing about Howard K. Stern. Robin thinks that there will be a lot left to this story because Anna Nicole has to have left her millions to someone and there will probably be fights over that. Howard said that he actually loves all of this stuff that's going on and he's an Anna Nicole fan now. He talked about how beautiful her face was and that she really was hot when she wasn't piggy fat. Artie said he still would have done her when she was fat. Howard said there's no way he would have done her at that point. Benjy was ready to go down on her at that point.
Artie thought that Benjy had gone down on Anna but Benjy said he didn't. He was willing to do it but it didn't happen. He wanted to lay her down in the bathroom back then. That led to the guys talking about how many people were having sex in that studio that they didn't know about. That led to Howard saying that Cabbie sent him a letter this morning asking him if he wanted to go in on that sex tape he has and make 50 percent on it. Artie couldn't believe he was hearing that and said that he must be out of his mind. Robins said that someone was talking to her about Cabbie and how he is a drug addict and can't be expected to make rational decisions. Howard took a call from a guy who said that the reports he saw on CNN made it seem like it really was him down in the Bahamas with the baby.
Howard mentioned that the new Eddie Murphy movie ''Norbit'' got awful reviews but the movie made over $30 million. He quickly got back to the Anna Nicole audio clips after that. In one clip she talked about masturbating. In another clip Anna denies ever having any feelings toward Howard K. Stern. Howard figured that Howard K. must have some attraction to her after spending so much time with her.
Howard played another audio clip where Howard flirted with anna after she said she was never going to do the show again because they were so mean to her. Howard sweet talked her and asked her to show him some stuff. As he was listening to that clip he couldn't believe he had gone there. He even started singing to her to the tune of The Doors ''Light My Fire.''
Howard played some audio of Anna sounding all f'd up at some award show she was presenting at. Then he played a clip where Cabbie came into the studio and told Anna about Trim Spa and turned her on to that stuff. Cabbie told her that he had no will power but it worked for him. Cabbie said he wasn't calling her fat because a fat guy doesn't call someone else fat. Howard also had some audio from the movie that Anna and Chyna Doll made called ''Illegal Aliens.''
Howard said he had psychic Sylvia Browne on the phone. He picked up and it was a guy doing an impression of her telling them that Anna Nicole was actually shot, that's how she died. Howard got a few laughs out of that call and said that he had to go to break after that.
Artimus said that his wife's father was also killed in an airplane crash. He was also telling Howard that he used to fly planes himself so he knows what that's like. it took him quite a while before he was able to get back into an airplane after the band's plane crashed. Howard said he can't imagine having so many people in your family dying in plane crashes. Artimus said his father's plane was actually cut in half by another plane that was flying nearby.
Howard asked Artimus about the band's crash and how that all went down. Artimus said they were just playing Pong and hanging out in the plane. They were in a prop plane that was running out of fuel. The plane was a 1947 model that they bought to use for flying to gigs. The gauges on the planes weren't very reliable so they would usually check the fuel levels with a stick. He said that they crashed simply because they ran out of gas. It's cool when that happens in a tour bus, but not in an airplane. Artimus said he was actually in the cockpit jump seat when they were trying to switch the fuel tanks.
Artimus interrupted himself and said that he wanted to say hello to Fred and Artie. Howard told him to please not say hello to Fred again. He got Artimus back on track and asked him about the plane crash and if he blamed the pilots for not checking the fuel before that flight. Artimus said that they only had 60 miles left to go to make it to their destination. He said that when they were coming down they came out of the clouds and they were right on top of the trees at that point. Trees are bad because they don't move. He said that once they got down into the thick of the trees, it caused them to go into a 45 degree dive. Artimus said he never lost consciousness in that crash.
Howard asked Artimus what everyone was doing during the crash. He said it was very quiet and they were just praying. He said that he and Ronnie Van Zandt gave each other the hippie handshake and a big smile. He said that Ronnie had a crimson pillow in his hand when they were going in for the crash. He said Ronnie once told him that he would never live to the age of 30 and he was right. Artimus started to get upset and said he really misses those guys. Howard told him it was okay if he wanted to stop talking about it.
Howard said he thinks about a scenario like that and can't imagine what he would do if he was in that situation. Howard wondered if he thought that he would survive it. He said he didn't have his life flash before his eyes or anything like that. He remembers how he was playing stewardess and telling the guys to conserve as much energy as possible as they were going down. He knew that they had to conserve the energy because they were in survival mode. He went back to the cockpit and got in the navigator seat and that's when the pilot told him to go back and strap himself in. He asked if they wanted him to take over and land. He knew that they had made a mistake by putting the landing gear down because that kind of helped suck them down into the trees. He believes that they may have been able to get over the trees to the field that was nearby.
Artimus said that he walked through the field that was there and it probably would have been a much softer landing. He was still conscious after the crash so Howard asked him what killed the rest of the guys and how he survived. Artimus said he was wadded up in a little piece of wreckage. There were 26 on board and 6 were killed on impact. He said that the doctors told him about Cassie and Steve dying and he was kind of surprised by Ronnie getting killed. He was told by the doctors that Ronnie got hit in the head and that's what killed him. It was probably the stuff they had in the plane like some of their equipment.
Howard said it's kind of weird that the guys in Skynyrd won't talk to him. Artimus said that he wasn't kicked out of the band, he left them. The band that was Lynyrd Skynyrd was not the original band. Howard asked him about his career and how that all got started. He said he used to bang on pots and pans when he was a kid and his parents bought him a drum set. He was never really trained to play though.
Artimus talked about some crazy stuff he had to go through when someone accused him of some sex crimes. He said he had to go to psycho therapy for years and they almost wouldn't let him go because he wasn't guilty and refused to admit guilt. He said he was a very angry man the last time he was on the show but he isn't carrying that anger with him anymore. He said that the guys in Lynyrd Skynyrd have been treating him much better now. He said he still loves Billy and Gary from the original band but he was mad at them for a while. He hasn't spoken to them since the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame show they did last year.
Howard asked Artimus more about the plane crash and asked him about how he got out and how injured he was. Artimus said the cartilage in his chest was torn so that was painful. He went out and helped out a friend. He saw that the pilot and co-pilot were decapitated and he's not sure exactly how that happened. He wondered for a long time what point it is when the life is taken. Howard was wondering the same thing and wanted to know how they were decapitated.
Howard said that wasn't bad enough. Artimus went to find help and ended up getting shot when he went up to a house. Artimus told Howard how he had told everyone that he was going for help because he couldn't sit there and do stuff. He said it was very dark there and he was up to his neck in dark water. He had a snake slither past him at that point. Then he got to a barb wire fence and saw cows. He didn't have strength to get over the fence so he had to roll over that. Then he walked up to this house and a 19 year old kid at the farm he walked up to pulled out a gun to protect his family. He said that it took him about 45 minutes to get to this farm house, it was about a mile away. Artimus said he heard the gun go off and he felt something sting him in the shoulder. He looked down and saw the coat he was wearing puff up. That spun him around and that's when he yelled out ''plane crash.'' Artimus said that guy later told the story and said that he shot over his head. He didn't want to be known as the guy who killed Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Howard asked Artimus when he finally got on an airplane again. Artimus told Howard that he went to live in Jerusalem for a while and learned a lot of stuff over there. He wasn't sure about his life and went over there to figure it out. He said when he flew over there, it was the first time he had gotten on an airplane since the crash.
Artimus told Howard about how he went through a lot of survivor's guilt over the years and he didn't even realize he was going through that. He couldn't understand why that had happened when they were doing so well as a band.
Howard said that Artimus has a new album coming out called ''Artimus Venomus'' so he played a little bit of that. In one song he sings about lawyers and the name of the song is ''Blood Sucking Weasel Attorneys.'' Howard listened to some of that and said if he gets married again, he wants to play that song during the wedding.
Irish John called in and asked if there was truth to the rumor that Ronnie was buried in a Neil Young t-shirt. Artimus said that Ronnie's grave got dug up about 4 or 5 years ago. Judy Van Zandt put out a reward for information about that and it turns out those guys were trying to find out if that rumor was true. Artimus said that Judy could answer the question but she's been kind of out of touch. Howard asked how far they got in digging up that coffin. Artimus said they got into his coffin because it was an above ground tomb. He said that Ronnie and Neil Young were going to tour together. He said they were going to write a song together too.
Howard took another call from a guy who talked about an uncle he just lost who was a big fan of the band. Gary came in after that and said that Artimus has a great story about Paul McCartney. Artimus said that they were at this huge event where Paul and Linda were sitting up on scaffolding to watch this band perform. He climbed up there to say hello to him and found out that Paul was a big fan. He told Paul what a fan he was and as they were talking, Paul had his legs dangling and ended up trying to get up and hit his head and knocked himself silly. He went limp for a second so he and Linda had grabbed him and held him there. He said Paul looked at him and said ''Us old gunfighters have hard heads don't we?'' and figured he said that because he had woken up seeing his face. Artie said he seems like some kind of Rock and Roll Saint.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't even like the band Lynyrd Skynyrd but the story he told was really good. He said he's a New Yorker and he's really not into that southern stuff. Howard took some more calls and let a few guys ask Artimus some questions and tell him how great his stories were. Howard gave him some plugs for upcoming gigs and his new CD. You can check out Artimus at ArtimusPyle.com.
Howard was wrapping up with Artimus but Robin wondered how he was doing with money these days. Artimus said he's doing okay now and has a house down in Nashville. He said he has no complaints. He's said this stuff isn't about the money, he loves playing drums and he'll play until he's 100 and then switch to stand-up comedy. He said he's got a wife and a 7 year old son. His wife is 22 years younger than him. Howard wished him luck and a lot of happiness.
Artie told a quick story about Artimus' security guy Mike. He said that the guy has a story about him and some other cool stories to tell. Howard was running out of time so he wasn't sure he could bring him in. Artie told the story himself anyway. He said that he had passed out at a gig he did back in 1992 and had forced someone to take him home. They got pulled over and the cop, Mike, was the one who pulled them over. Artie said Mike took the keys from him and left the two of them in the car to sober up and sleep it off. Artie said that they knew he was from MAD TV when they saw him and left him in the car to sleep it off. Artie said he was performing at this comedy club at the time so he believes the story even though he doesn't remember it.
Artimus said that Artie had taken all of the kid's clothes to keep warm in that car. That's what he heard from Mike. Artie said he's not denying it, he just doesn't remember it. Artimus went on to say that they did a free gig on the Intrepid battleship in New York City around the time of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and he just wanted to say hello to everyone who had come out to that show. He thanked all of those fans for what they've done for the band.
Artimus then gave Howard an Epiphone guitar as a gift. Howard tried opening it up but he was having some trouble. Artimus told him to check it out because the case was really nice inside. There was a built in humidifier inside the case. Howard said it was a very beautiful guitar. He played a little bit and sang some of that ''Lawyers Suck'' song. He then wrapped up and went to commercial break.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him why he bailed so early on that interview. Howard said Artimus was there for an hour and Paul McCartney was only there for like 45 minutes when he interviewed him. The caller thought it could have gone longer. Howard said they wanted to leave the fans wanting more so they will have him back sometime. Artie said that he was told that Artimus was also in a helicopter crash when he was in the military. Howard said he can't imagine what that whole plane crash thing must have been like for him. Robin said that the crash wasn't bad enough, he had to go through all of that other stuff to get help.
Howard said that Sal and Richard have created another Jack and Rod show where they pretend to be a couple of radio show hosts and interview authors. This time they spoke to Jeff and Shirley Lawrence about their book ''Hollywood Be Thy Name'' and had Crackhead Bob playing the part of Kirk Douglas. The authors believed it was him and spoke to him as if he really were Kirk. Crackhead Bob said ''Duck my dock'' and they thought he was saying something about his son. Bob kept saying that he wanted to put his ''denis'' in the woman's ''dussy'' but she had no idea what he was talking about. The guy, Jeff, started to understand and asked what kind of show this was. Bob pretended to jerk off while Shirley was reading some of her poetry. Jeff said he wasn't interested in this interview anymore. A caller told Howard that was one of the funniest calls he's ever heard.
Howard read that James Brown is still not buried yet and he's been dead for weeks now. They spent a short time on that.
A caller suggested that Howard K. Stern change his name to Howie or something so there isn't so much confusion. Howard told the guy he made his announcement about changing his name to ''The Howard.'' The caller also asked Howard to get rid of the Wrap Up Show in the loop during the weekend because he doesn't think anyone wants to hear it. Howard said that more people seem to want it than not so they're going to keep it. He said you can't please everyone but they do try.
Howard asked Gary to come in with the Grammy stuff so they could go over that. They spent a short time talking about The Police reunion that took place. Howard said he heard that Mary J. Blige was going on and on during her acceptance speeches. Gary said she was talking about what a horrible person she used to be and how she's changed since finding God. Howard said people like that think that they've changed when they really haven't.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artimus is like that guy from that movie ''Unbreakable'' because he never seems to die. Howard said that is kind of what it's like and he wonders if Artimus thinks like that.
Howard got back to the Grammy stuff and played The Police performing ''Roxanne'' at the start of the show. Sting wasn't hitting the high notes so Gary pointed that out and also told Howard to stick with it to hear the weird thing they went into during the middle of the song. Fred said that the Red Hot Chili Peppers were kind of boring on the show. They performed one of their lamer songs so they played a few seconds of that. Then they went into some of the Dixie Chicks acceptance speech. They were kind of making fun of everyone and even gave a Simpsons-like ''Haa haa'' to everyone who didn't think they could win.
Howard played some clips of Mary J Blige performing. Howard said he wouldn't be able to listen to that stuff. Robin said it was just getting to a good part when he cut it off. Howard said he still wouldn't like it even if she got topless and shot bullets from her pussy. He played some of her acceptance speeches where she thanked her lord and savior. Then she starts talking about what a bad person she was. Then she started to rattle off the names that were on her list of people to thank. As she was doing that they cut her off and played music to get her off stage.
King of All Blacks called in to say that he hates when they goof on Mary J Blige like that because she's great. He told the guys about some of her hit songs and no one recognized them. Artie knew one of her songs but Howard didn't know anything about them.
Howard got back to the audio clips from the show and played more of Mary making her speeches. King was still talking about how great she was but Howard said he really doesn't care. King asked him to please care but he still didn't.
Gary said that they let some of the performers do like 5 songs while they kept Christina Aguilera to one song. Howard played some of her cover of ''It's a Man's World'' and thought that she was actually very good. Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flats performed ''Life in the Fast Lane'' so Howard played some of that. He wondered why they did that. Gary said that they were doing a tribute to Don Henley.. They performed like 4 of his songs but only one for James Brown. Gary said he didn't understand that whole thing.
Howard said he thinks one of the guys in Rascal Flats bought him dinner when he was down in Mexico. Howard wondered why they didn't just get Don Henley to do his own songs, he's still alive. He played some other quick clips from the show like where Shakira was performing. He said it sounded like she was actually singing but Gary thought she may have been lip syncing. He also said that they seemed to be having a lot of technical problems on the show.
Robin said that Justin Timberlake was playing piano and it seems there's nothing that he can't do. Gary said he loves TiVo because he was able to just blast through it after 10 seconds. They spent a few minutes talking about Justin and what he's been doing with his career.
Jeff said he could work as a greeter at the supermarket or something. Howard said if he went to a supermarket and was greeted by Jeff the Drunk, he's not sure he'd want to go there anymore. Artie said he'd wonder where the guy shit in the market if he saw him there. Howard wondered why the family would have hired Jeff to work there if they were going to sell the store. The guys said that maybe they didn't know it was going to happen. Robin said that kind of stuff doesn't happen overnight.
Jeff has quite a resume. He's now worked as a hand stamper and a door opener. He found it funny that a scanner replaced him at the back door. Jeff said that if he were to stay there, he'd need two hands to work the scanner. He only has use of one arm so that won't work for him.
Jeff said he heard that Howard is going back down to Florida and he's going to be taking a private jet down again. Howard didn't know what he was talking about so he let him go and had Craig Gass come in.
Howard said that when Craig was on Bubba's show he was bragging about being on Sex and The City because he was only on once. Craig said that he didn't bring it up, it was Bubba who brought it up. Craig said it's also a running joke with the other comedians who bring it up when they go out to eat. Howard said Craig dated Miranda on the show... in one episode. That was it. Craig said when he mentions that in his act, the crowd always gives him an ''Ugh'' when they hear who he had to date on the show.
Craig said he always has weird parts that he plays in TV shows. In Sex and the City he had women's jizz on his face and Miranda wouldn't make out with him because he had the jizz on him. Then in the show Las Vegas he played the part of a comedian who liked to stir drinks with his penis. He told some stories about the day he shot Sex and the City and how he could smell her pussy while they were shooting it. He said it wasn't a bad smell, it was just the smell of an excited pussy. Howard figures that he was imagining things and there was no smell. Howard said that if you can smell pussy, it's a bad smell. Howard said he's never smelled whatever it is he thinks he's smelled.
Artie said he's experienced that smell that Craig is talking about. It's just a scent but it's not bad. He knows what a bad scent is. Craig said that chick told him that she had gotten knocked up that same weekend, had her baby 9 months later and then broke up with her husband and went lesbian. He said that his friends blamed him for turning her gay.
Howard asked Craig if he's having a feud with Jim Breuer. Craig said the guy went off on him once on air. Jim had promised to put him on a comedy show he was doing. Then he wouldn't return his calls. Then he claims that Jim forgot he told him he could do that show and thought he was trying to weasel his way into this comedy show. Howard heard that Craig is also on the outs with Bob Schimmel. Craig ended up doing his Paul Stanley and Gene Simmmons impressions during that discussion.
Craig said that he was doing a radio show and saw that Schimmel was calling into this show. Craig did his Gene Simmons impression and Bob was fooled and thought it was the real Gene Simmons. He got on the phone off the air and Bob told him that he had cancer and stuff so Craig stayed in character because he didn't know what else to tell him. Then Bob found out that it was Craig and refused to hang out with him at a show one time because of what had happened.
Yucko the Clown called in and said that Craig is doing some shows up in Alaska now or something but no one knew what he was talking about. Craig said that he loves Yucko but he had to call in when he and his girlfriend were on last time to correct them on what they were talking about. Craig said that both he and Bob Levy thought they had a chance with that chick days before Yucko fell in love with her. Craig said he thought she was being very flirtatious with him and that's what he was going with. Robin wondered if he thought that she was going through the group of guys just to find the one who would date her. Craig said that whole thing kind of happened two years before almost the same way.
Craig said that she had driven him back to his hotel room the first time he met her. As he was telling the story Yucko interrupted and goofed on him for all the name dropping he does. He also told him he's got a giant, Frankenstein looking head. Craig said he has since deleted the picture of this chick that he had on his cell phone. He said that Yucko knows that she did send it so he doesn't need proof anymore.
Artie asked Craig how he met that chick before Yucko did. Craig said he met her at a comedy club years ago and she was friends with this other comedian who Craig claims had messed around with her. Craig said Levy did think that he had a chance with her as well so that's why he had handed her his room key one night. Howard wondered who the fuck cared about any of this anyway. Yucko said he wanted to set the record straight, that's why he called in.
Craig said that he did a show years ago down in Dallas and started to tell the story but Howard actually had to hit the dump button on him because he was implicating someone in something he didn't want on the air. He told Craig to drop the story. Craig wanted to keep telling it but Howard told him to just drop it.
Artie asked Craig how old he is. Craig said he's 36. Artie laughed and said he though he was older because he thought he was 35 about 5 years ago. Craig swore he was 36 though. Gary interrupted and said that they had Donald Trump on the phone so Howard went to that.
Donald said that he knew Anna and Howard knew Anna but she would be hard to devote time to. Howard said that she wasn't all that bright and Donald agreed that may have been the case. He said that she was able to work her way into making the money she made. Donald also thinks that it's not Stern's baby and he's pretty sure it's someone else's.
Robin said she just read that Howard K. Stern opened a talent agency just for Anna Nicole and it may have been before he even met her. Trump said he's pretty sure that Howard K. Stern isn't the father and the real father is probably the blonde haired guy. He wasn't even sure if Howard K. Stern was his real name or not. He said that he is bad news through and Howard can't possibly be happy that he's in the news like this.
Howard told Donald that Dee Snider told him that he was able to make that name cool. Now he has to watch Howard K. Stern dragging his name down the way he is. Donald said he doesn't know what Howard can do to make this go away. Howard told him that there are papers in other countries saying that it's ''Shock Jock Howard Stern'' who is Anna Nicole's baby's father. Craig got a laugh out of that.
Howard and Donald talked about this guy who is Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband who wanted to adopt anna Nicole. Robin said that Zsa Zsa is kind of upset about that whole thing. Howard said she has to be fuming over that. Howard said he's always liked her. Donald said that there's nothing good about the clock and you just have to look at poor Zsa Zsa to realize that. Trump was talking about how beautiful Anna Nicole was years ago when she first started out. He said she had a great body, great face and great hair.
Trump and Howard talked about Anna Nicole gaining weight and how all of that went down. Trump figures that she lost her weight by having an operation and it wasn't really the Trim Spa stuff. Howard said that's probably true, he just read that she's had two breast operations since the birth of her baby.
Craig went into his Sam Kinison impression during the call and started asking Trump some questions as Sam. Trump didn't seem to get it and it probably went right over his head. Trump explained how he had a guy come in who had the operation on his stomach and the guy wouldn't admit he had it done because he didn't want to admit that he had just given up.
Donald said he feels really bad for Howard and this whole Howard K. Stern thing. He said he thinks that Howard K. Stern is responsible for Anna's death in some way. He asked Howard if he thinks that he was feeding Anna the drugs that she had (allegedly). Howard said he's not sure but Robin said that the drugs they did take out of her hotel room had his name on them.
Howard mentioned Rosie O'Donnell's name so Donald went off on her a little bit. Howard told Donald that he used to fight with her years ago but when he saw that she came out of the closet, he changed his tune on her. He said he saw a special about her and her wife where they went on a cruise with some gay people. They stood up and took a stand against homophobia and that led to his stand on her soften. Trump went on to say that she's really a bad person and he's had people come up to him and tell him just how mean she is. He's been told that she treats people like crap, like they're beneath her.
Trump said that if he runs into Rosie, it wouldn't bother him at all. He doesn't really care. Trump said that he went on The Today Show and Meridith Viera asked him about some of the names he called Rosie and he refused to answer some of them. That led to Howard and Trump talking about his battle with Barbara Walters as well. Trump said he doesn't think he'll ever make up with Barbara. He had a fight with her years ago as well so he's not sure that they'll get through this one.
Howard asked Donald about the night that his daughter was on Jimmy Kimmel's show and Andy Dick was putting his hands all over her. Donald said that she's a good sport about that stuff. He said that he did Jimmy's show a few weeks ago and he was very good with him and he really enjoyed doing it. He said his daughter did the show a couple of weeks later and she looked gorgeous. Howard said he would love to be Donald's son-in-law. He said that she's so attractive, she speaks well, she's got a ton of dough and she's a great catch. Howard thinks that she got implants but Donald said she didn't tell him that if she did. Howard said that when he met her, he thought she was telling him that she was into him. Donald said that he would probably hate it if he were his son-in-law. Howard wondered if that was because he's a Jew. Donald said that's not it but he was just waiting for that question to come.
Donald said that he likes Howard right where he is, with Beth. Donald told Howard that he would pick him over Howard K. Stern if he had to. Howard asked him if he would rather have Howard K. Stern or Jaime Foxx. Donald said he likes Jaime Foxx and he would certainly pick him over Howard K. Stern. Artie told a joke and said that he talked to Donald about how OJ Simpson was kicked out of his golf club because they didn't want his kind there. Artie asked him ''Oh, so you don't want murderers in the club'' and Trump said ''He murdered someone?''
Donald told Howard that OJ asked to play golf with him one time but he turned it down. He said they wanted to set up a golf tournament but he had to pass on it. Howard said that was a smart move. Donald said he shut OJ off completely after the murders. He said that before the murders, he used to play with OJ and he knows that he was in good enough shape to have killed a man. He said that a friend of his said to OJ that there was no way he could beat him in a race. The two of them ended up racing and OJ beat the other guy so badly. Because of that, Donald doesn't believe that he was too weak to kill a man.
Howard thanked Donald for calling in and Donald wished Howard luck with getting through this Howard K. Stern stuff. Howard said that he was all over TV this weekend watching anything they had about Anna Nicole Smith. Trump said he didn't find any of her press coverage before she died very interesting. He still doesn't. She was getting a lot of publicity before this and he just doesn't get it. Trump said he knows that all of this stuff has to do with ratings and that's what the whole business is about.
Howard let Donald go and asked Craig if he wanted to stick around. Craig said he did want to stick around. Howard gave him a couple of plugs for his upcoming gigs and his web site IHateComedians.com.
Howard asked Craig if he's still friends with Eddie Van Halen. Craig said he stayed in his house for a few months after Eddie asked him if he wanted to stay there. He's actually got a couple of houses on the property and one of his friends rungs the studio for him and lives there. He said that he was living with some chick who ended up making out with some other dude so he had to move out of that house. Eddie told him he could stay there in one of his places. Then he found out that the friend who he met Eddie through had been banging his girl so he's no longer friends with that dude and that's why he doesn't keep in touch with Eddie.
Shuli said that Sal's wife has been spying on him by checking out his Myspace page and she's told the women who think he's attractive that they can take him but they can't give him back. Shuli said that they'll have stories about some comedy shows that they've been doing lately. He also got in a plug for the Sour Shoes Valentine's Day special that will be on Howard 101 tonight at 7pm.
Howard thanked Shuli for his preview and moved on to Jon Hein who ran down his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll talk about the coverage of the anna Nicole Smith death and the Howard K. Stern thing. They will also talk about the Donald Trump call.
Howard noticed that Artie was just about falling asleep today. Artie said he loaded up on sugar this morning and also complained that he can't nap on the couch he used to use in the green room. He said he doesn't fit on the new couch. Howard told him to go ahead and put his head down and take a nap. He told him that he screwed up by sleeping so late yesterday afternoon.
Howard let Jon go and got in a plug for this coming weekend's music special where they will play every music performance from the past 20 years. That starts at 3pm on Friday afternoon.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Howard TV show with all of the fat guys getting weighed in was great. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how odd the guys looked when they took their shirts off. The caller also asked Howard about the guitar he got from Artimus earlier in the show. He wondered if he was going to give it to Fred. Howard said that he's keeping that for himself since he doesn't have an acoustic guitar.
The Howard TV guys were showing Artie and his fat belly on the monitors in the studio. Howard said he doesn't think Artie looks that bad for a fat guy. Howard ended up reading a few e-mails about that show. He had Robin get back to her news pretty quickly.
Robin brought up a story that led to Howard talking about how he's not that uptight about guys hitting on his girlfriend because it's really up to her if she wants to leave him. He said that Beth has told him that when she tells guys who his boyfriend is, they get scared off. If they don't know it's Howard, they're not so scared. That led to Howard talking about an article where they did a poll and found that 46 percent of the people think that he's crazy.
Howard read through some more mail during the news. One guy liked Sour Shoes' impression of Scott Ferrall last week. There was another guy who said he doesn't want any Wack Packers on the Wrap Up Show. Another guy said that he doesn't want Howard playing those gay David Bowie songs he's been playing. Howard talked about how he was playing chess over the weekend and really enjoying it. Howard figured that Craig wasn't going to join the site he plays on but figured Artie might like it. Artie said he'd rather play on a real chess board. Howard said he got home on Friday night and played for hours and hours and didn't even realize how long he had been on. He went on for 3 hours with one game. Howard said he's up at about a 1450 score on the ICC web site but that's not even close to being a great player. He said he'd be in heaven if he was ranked close to 1600 as possible.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has tried to get through about 10,000 times and he had a lot of things to say about the guys in the studio. The guy said that there's no way Beth likes Howard for who he is, it's got to be his wallet he's interested in. Howard thought that was lame so he hung up on the guy.
During the news Robin read a story about how some guys may be able to get rings back from women they give them to on Valentine's day if they don't end up getting married. Artie talked about how he thought about how much he spent on Dana in Jewelry. He figured it was about $70,000 or so. Howard said that's a lot of filthy comedy shows he had to do to make that kind of money.
Howard had Robin wrap up her news and ended the show around 11:20am.
''The Howard'' started off the show talking about how when he was a little kid he wanted a club house filled with fun people. Today that's what his radio show is. He said there is no club house but he's got fun people with him. He said he's really got to end the show on time today because he has meetings to go to with the guys there. He said he's seen visions of what he wants to do with the future of media and he's going to reveal them to the SIRIUS people today.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who thanked him for having Artimus Pyle on the show yesterday because it was an awesome interview. Howard said he was on one other time and he knew that it could be a good interview with no commercial breaks. Howard said the interview went on for over an hour and people were telling him that they cut him off too early. He said he can never please the audience because some guests stay on too long.
Howard read through some e-mail about yesterday's show and the Artimus Pyle interview. Some people loved it, one person complained about Artie talking too much during it but Howard and Artie didn't think he said all that much during the interview. Howard said that someone even complained about him interrupting Artimus. Howard said he thought that was his job but maybe he was talking too much. Some people thought it was just a great interview. Another guy complained that the interview was rushed and he should have spent even more time with him. Howard said even Paul McCartney only got 40 minutes.
The caller asked to hear one of the calls that Sal and Richard made using clips from the movie ''Ed Wood'' or the ''Karloff'' clips. Fred played one of the calls where they had the guy yelling at a woman whose husband was named Karl. The caller gave that a 5 star rating and had given the new call a 4.5. There was another call that the caller had suggested where the guys used some clips of a guy saying the N-word to a guy they called. He kept repeating the N-word and asking if the guy on the line could lend a nigga a pencil. Artie didn't remember that one, he didn't think he had ever heard that one.
The caller also gave the suggestion of roasting Steve Grillo. Artie said that they're actually thinking of roasting Andy Dick and he thinks that could be a great one. Howard said he thinks Dick is in on that roast so they'll try to make that happen.
Fred said he's not into that kind of stuff and he really doesn't like some of the food. Howard said he had a hot fudge sundae and it wasn't even really ice cream. The place is called Pure Food and Wine. Artie said that a buddy of his used to eat tofu hot dogs and when he made him try it, he wanted to punch him in the face.
Artie said it must be weird being like Howard must be weird because everyone has to know who he is. He said the chick must have knew who he was and maybe she was performing for him. Howard said she was because she wrote him a whole note about how she's been listening to the show for a long time and what a fan she was. Artie said it has to be weird to be a celebrity like that.
Howard said that the restaurant is downtown somewhere and his kids go there all the time. He said the two of them are vegans while the third one isn't but she will eat that stuff. Ronnie came in and said that the restaurant is at 54 Irving Place between 17th and 18th. Howard said he really liked that place. He said you don't feel heavy after eating that food. He thought it was very creative the way they made some of that stuff.
Howard had a picture of that chick up on his monitor. The guys checked her out and Robin said she thinks she was involved in some controversy. Benjy said she was so hot she was almost witch like. He also said that she's 35 years old but Howard found that hard to believe. He thought she was in her 20s. Benjy said that he's spoken to her and it's like she's in another world so that's why he was saying she's like a witch.
Artie pointed out something going on with Benjy's face. He had droplets of water forming on his face and the guys weren't sure what that was. Benjy claimed it was water from his shower but the guys said there's no way that's from his shower. Howard noticed he had red dots on his face now that they were talking about him. Artie then pointed out some more stuff on his face and told Howard how Benjy used to blot his face with sheets of paper to get the water off. He said he used to do that at K-Rock all the time.
Benjy was still talking about how hot the owner of that restaurant is. He was saying that if he wanted to have a baby, he wouldn't mind it if she was the mother. He said he'd actually prefer that. Howard told Benjy that he is kind of the grossest guy he knows with that sweat on his face. Artie said he knows that he's gross too but Benjy has that sweat on his face every single day. He suggested that he bring in a towel, a soft towel, to wipe down his face in the morning. Artie handed him a Vermont Teddy Bear to use. Fred gave him a Baba Booey t-shirt.
Gary said that the special is going to be 18 hours and it's going to repeat itself. He said they found a lot of gems in the archives and they're going to play them all. Howard said he's doing this instead of making this into a CD collection or anything like that.
The caller asked Howard if Van Halen is going to be coming on the show. Howard said he's not sure about that. Gary said he's left a couple of messages for Eddie but hasn't heard back. Howard went into a couple more clips like Def Leppard performing acoustically. He said you can hear it all this weekend on SIRIUS.
Howard also said that they have a Billy West spotlight series that they're going to be playing soon. The caller said he loves that Marge Schott impression Billy used to do. Howard played a promo for the Billy West thing where they play some Billy clips. They're going to be playing that special on Monday, February 19th at 6am. Howard said that should get them all jazzed up. Robin said she loved when he used to imitate Jackie. Artie said that the dynamic in that smaller studio with that Jackie Puppet with Jackie and Fred writing him lines while Conan O'Brien was in there was amazing.
Howard said that Billy did an interview for that special but he hasn't heard it yet so he's not sure if Billy wants to come back on the show. The caller asked Artie what he's eaten this morning so far. Artie rattled off a bunch of the sugar filled food that he had eaten already this morning. The caller didn't know how he could fall asleep after eating all of that crap. Artie said the show is long and he gets tired by about 10:45. The caller asked Artie if he was going to be in tomorrow for muffin day. Artie said that it's not muffins, it's cupcakes, how dare he...
Howard said they have a sponsor who makes oil paintings from pictures and they have this great one of Artie eating a cupcake. Artie said he hates that one. They talked about another picture of Jon Hein which looks really odd. The caller interrupted and said that he saw the Babe Watch bit that Artie did on MAD TV.
Howard talked about some other clips he's seen on the web lately that are pretty funny. Gary said he was going to get a clip that they were talking about but he wanted to cut it down. Fred pulled it up and played the clip which was a Mike Tyson interview where Mike curses and talks about blow jobs and other wacky things on the air. He rambles on and on about Allah in one part of the clip. In other clips he's cursing, threatening and goofing on other people. At one point Mike tells a guy he's going to fuck him 'til he loves him.
Howard let the Tyson clips play for a short time and then cut it off. Artie talked about how he and his friends would get together to watch his fights and then he'd end them in under a minute. You'd just sit down to get comfortable and the fight would be over. Artie said he thinks that Tyson went down hill because the guys who knew how to deal with him were taken out of his life and that's why he just wasn't able to fight after a while. The guys spent a short time talking about Tyson and how professional boxing isn't what it used to be.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Leroy Jenkins clip wasn't someone crying, the guy was high. Howard said the clip was very funny either way. He said it was like geek heaven when the guys were plotting how to play that video game. Artie said that he ran into some kids that he knew in high school who played Dungeons and Dragons. He said that the kids were so angry about the way they were goofed on when they were younger that they wanted to beat the shit out of his friend. Artie said he thinks that the nerdy kid would have killed his friend if they had gotten into a fight.
Howard said that it is Black History Month this month so they sent Sal up to Harlem to interview some black people. He played a clip where Sal asked people if they think that there should be a White History Month. Most of the people interviewed said they don't think that there should be a White History Month. One guy was pissed that Black History Month is in February, the shortest month of the year. There was one guy who said he wanted a Jew History Month.
Howard also played a Black History Minute that Dan the Song Parody Man had put together about Robin's experiments with vegetables. Richard Christy came in after that and said he had audio of that nerdy video if he wanted to play it. Howard said people can find that on the web if they want.
Howard asked the guys if they think that Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband could possibly be Anna Nicole Smith's baby's father. No one believed that. They went on to talk about some of the stuff they've been reading about Anna's baby. There are rumors that her son is the father. Fred played an edited clip of Ed McMahon saying ''Anna Nicole Smith has mammoth cunt lips.''
Howard had some audio from Larry King's show where this Prince who is married to Zsa Zsa talks about how he might be Anna Nicole's baby's father. The guy said that he loves blonde women and he goes after them, he can't help it, he's a man. Artie thought the guy had the creepiest accent of all time. Howard said that poor Zsa Zsa is stuck in a bed somewhere unable to do anything while this guy goes out and fucks other blondes. He had to go to break after that.
Howard had the audio of the nerds playing and plotting their video game that he was talking about earlier. He tried to find the audio clip on ''Gary Preview Page 1 in white'' but he was having problems finding it. Richard told him where it was so Howard played the clip. In the clip, which has been on the web for years, you hear the guys talking about how they can do their attack. They have all kinds of statistics and while they're plotting this one guy runs in and yells out ''Leroy Jenkins!'' Artie wondered what these people do for a living that they can play games like this. Howard said he thinks that chess is just as nerdy as that stuff is.
Howard continued to play the audio where the other guys playing with ''Leroy'' get upset with him. Leroy then gets upset himself and it sounds like he's just about crying. Howard said Scott DePace got yelled at by nerdy kids for screwing up a game he was playing recently. Scott came in and said that he was playing this new game where he got his battleships sunk immediately and the kids started making fun of him. He said he was so embarrassed that he turned the game off.
Scott said that you have headsets to talk to up to 16 people in these games he plays. He said you can turn the mic off and just listen if you want. He said it's actually very cool. Howard said he'd love to play chess and be able to talk online. Scott figures that they must be able to do that. Scott said that there are some kids who ask him sexual questions and it gets kind of uncomfortable then. He said one guy threatened to tea bag him in Halo one time so he asked the kid if he was into girls yet. The kid said he was into girls but then he started asking him sex questions so he handed it over to his wife. Artie figured he was going to get into trouble for doing that and the next thing he knows, he's going to be confronted by Chris Hanson.
Howard told Scott that he should play chess instead. Scott isn't interested in that, he'd rather blow shit up. Artie said he was never into video games. He thinks that he could get into the chess thing some day though.
Elizabeth said that one way to keep from getting caught is to buy a new car so the other woman doesn't know what you're driving. Howard asked Elizabeth what kind of accent she has. She said she was from Haiti. She went on to say that her book is kind of like a condom because condom's don't make you cheat, they just help.
Elizabeth said that she has a PHD in Psychology from an online school. Howard read that Elizabeth suggests to odor bomb your home to cover up the smell of other lovers. She also suggests buying a locker at a bus station or something where you can keep your private information like cell phone numbers and stuff like that. Howard tried to understand how that would work. He went through the locker story and Elizabeth told him to keep it like a separate business. She also suggests renting an apartment or another room that you can take your other partner to.
Elizabeth said that she coaches people in this stuff and she's done that for many. She said that it can cost $600 to $1000 a month to be a life coach. Artie asked her when she blows him for that kind of money. She said that she would blow him as long as he pays. Howard asked Elizabeth some more questions about the suggestions she has in her book. She says that you should have an accomplice to help you with your lies.
Elizabeth said that she was with one guy who wouldn't return phone calls she made to him and it was because he was cheating on her. Artie said it would be a lot easier just to jerk off. Howard said that Elizabeth lists 10 types of women to avoid. He read through the list but a lot of them were things that most people would avoid. They spent a short time on that. Howard gave her a plug for her book and said you can buy it at HTCANDNGC.com. He let her go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard that if he ever wants to cheat on Beth he should blow his brains out. Ralph called in after that and said that whole thing was ridiculous. Artie thought most of that stuff was pretty obvious and common sense.
Howard had a prank call that Richard made to a life coach one time on a public access show. He played that clip where Richard said he was sitting there jacking off while watching them. Howard let Ralph go after that and took another call. He ended up replaying the new prank call that Richard made to the pharmacy that he had played earlier in the morning.
Howard said they have a Siobhan ''Cribs'' episode coming soon. He said her apartment is loaded with garbage and cats. That's coming up later this week. The caller said that he watched the weigh-in show last night and he thought it was pretty rough seeing Artie the way he was.
Howard said he was sent a web site where you can see how many other people share your name. Howard said there are only 27 people with his name. He looked up Robin Quivers and found just 1! He looked up Artie Lange and found 45 ''Arthur Lange'' names. He asked the guys what they thought about Fred's name. Everyone took guesses but they were way off. There were 132 people with Fred's name. They looked up Benjamin Bronk and found just 2. Richard Christy had 136. Howard asked about Sal Governale and found zero. Not even Sal showed up in his own search. There are 287 Eric Norris names.
Lisa G had come in to do her Howard 100 News preview. They talked to her about her name which is actually Glassberg. She said she dropped it back when she was working at another radio station. Howard figured she dropped it because she wanted to drop the Jewy name. She said that's not true at all, she's still Jewy. She got into her Howard 100 News preview and she spoke to someone who suggested that Howard franchise his name out. She also said that the Stern Show is headlining the hometown paper for where Big Foot lives. They'll have updates from Vermont all day long on Howard 100 and 101.
A caller told Howard that the whole Howard K. Stern thing came up on TV last night and his wife said ''Oh, that's what Howard Stern looks like...'' Howard and the guys let out a groan when they heard that. Howard said that guy Howard K. Stern is an asshole. He hates that his name is the same as his. Howard said he knew he should have changed his name to Miles August.
Lisa G said that they have another conspiracy web site based on the show. That site is ArtieAteDana.com and the webmaster thinks that Artie ate Dana, that's why we haven't heard from her or seen her in a while. That led to Howard asking Artie if he's gotten laid lately. Artie said he's going to be down in Atlantic City this weekend and he has a good prospect of a woman to bang down there. He said she's in the bullpen. Howard said he has a few women that he has stashed away just in case he and Beth don't last.
Howard said he loves when an ex-girlfriend calls him and tells him they just broke up with a boyfriend. Artie said he doesn't think that he could take it if he knew that Dana was banging some other dude. Howard said they have to find out if she is getting laid. That got Howard doing his Dana impression on his megaphone. He jokingly had her calling for her new boyfriend Jose. Howard figures that Dana is a good girl and she'd wait for love before jumping into the sack with another dude.
Howard told Artie that he should go out with Lisa G. Lisa said that they would be fighting immediately and it wouldn't work out. Artie said he fights with every broad he dates. He and Dana went 2 months before their first fight so that was a record for him.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that they spoke to a guy about the Cabbie sex tape and he thinks that they could make millions if they put it out. Howard said that Cabbie has already asked him to put the tape out but he's never going to go for that. He said that Cabbie has to take control over his life at some point. Artie said that he seems to need chaos in his life and he ruins stuff like his relationship with Howard by doing this stuff. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that these guys cry on the show every minute and he's not sure how he does it. Eric said they have cameras on you all the time and they take those clips and make them worse than they are. Eric told Howard that some of the other guys got a lot of flack for the crying stuff. He said he got some himself but it was emotional doing that show. Eric said it was really emotional for him because he was up at 400 pounds. He said he even got his wife kind of chubby over the years.
Howard said he was happy for this guy when he won so he was happy to talk to him. Eric said he's been a huge fan for a long time now. They spent a couple more minutes talking about that stuff and also about some of the other contestants on the show. Howard said he thinks the trainer chick seems a little ''thick'' and goofed on her a little bit. Eric said he's been buying new clothes and stuff trying to stay thin. Howard thanked him again for the call and let him go. Howard said that guy went from like 400 something to 193 during that 4 months.
Howard told the guys to bring Cindy and her doctor in so they could see those things. Howard said her boobs were pretty big. He said that they had Dr. Davis in there with Cindy. Howard told her that her boobs might be too big. Cindy said that she was originally a C-cup. She also had some lip injection done so Howard let her know he didn't like that. Dr. Davis said some women like to have lines removed from their lip line. Cindy was laughing at that as he was talking about it.
Howard said he thinks that Dr. Davis has his hands full with this chick. He said he has patients come in all the time and bring up Howard's name to him. He said that some women will say that they have ''camel toe'' and there is no medical term for that. Dr. Davis said that his practice is in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.
Howard checked out Cindy's boobs and told her that they were way too big. She said that she thinks that they're too big because her body is so small. Robin told her that she should match them up to the size of her body. She said that she works at a sign shop down in Philly and she hasn't been dancing all that much lately. Howard asked her if she's ever given a hand job at a bachelor party. She laughed and wouldn't say much of anything about that.
Artie asked Cindy if she wanted to date a rich guy who likes chicks with big lips like hers. He said it was Sam Simon. Cindy didn't seem to care and probably had no idea who Artie was talking about. Howard moved on to ask Cindy about the boob feel. He said they have about 44 guys who are ready to feel her up today too. He got a little side tracked when he asked her if she's ever given another woman oral. She said she doesn't prefer that but she may have done it. The guys had to drag answers out of her because she was just laughing at the questions.
Howard asked Dr. Davis if he's going to keep the boobs as big as they are. Dr. Davis said they have to keep them large to make sure there's not a lot of extra skin. They spent a minute on that and then Howard asked Gary how many guys they had. Gary said he wasn't going to be a part of it because of his wife. He also said this doesn't interest him at all. Gary asked Dr. Davis to let some of the air out of her lips because they were apparently a little too big. Howard noticed that she had panty hose on so he asked her to take them off. She said they were just thigh highs but Howard said that's what his grandmother wears.
Howard said Cindy looked 100 times better with the stockings off. She took them off and Howard noticed that she had a great ass. He said there's not much fat to take out of there. Dr. Davis said that there are a lot of women who would want more in there. Gary asked how old she is. She said she's 34 so Howard asked if that's right.
Gary had the guys come in one after the other. Jon Hein wasn't going to do it but many of the other guys were in. Howard told Cindy to take her shirt off but Artie took his off as well. Dr. Davis said Artie must be at a C-cup himself. Artie went over and felt her up while Fred played a horn honking sound effect. Artie then stuck his head down there and gave her a bronsky or ''motor boat.'' Artie said they felt alright and asked her if she wanted to kiss him. They kissed and Artie said he loves being single on this show.
Scott the Engineer got up and felt her up. Will said that Artie smelled weird and had B.O. Shuli went up and felt her up and said they felt ok but it was time for a change. JD was next so he got up and said they felt like fake boobs. JD even gave her a ''motor boat'' like Artie had. Ronnie the Limo Driver said they felt ''pretty good'' but it was time for a change. Artie gave her another ''motor boat'' after that. Benjy got up and felt Cindy up and said he was starting to harden up. He asked to feel her ass but Howard told her to leave her alone. Sal the Stockbroker came in next and felt her up. Sal said he had soaked his hands in ice and she didn't even notice. Scott DePace went over and felt them up saying that he liked them. Richard Christy asked if he could feel the Doc's package. That wasn't going to happen.
A caller asked if Cindy would get on the Sybian. She didn't know what it was so the guys showed her and explained it to her. She decided to try it out so Howard told Artie to feel her up while she rode it. Gary told her that everyone who has been on it so far has been happy with it. He started it up a short time later and Cindy laughed. She was laughing as she was riding it and didn't seem to be getting that much pleasure from it. Artie was feeling her up the whole time. They jacked up the power a little bit and Artie kissed her shoulder. Howard told him not to eat her like he did with Dana. Gary had it jacked up to 100 percent but she wasn't getting anything out of it. Howard and the guys had a feeling that she was going to be a tough case.
Doug Goodstein came in and asked if they could just put her boobs on the Sybian and watch them jiggle. Howard wondered who came up with that. Doug said he came up with it so Howard called him a perv. Artie said he was getting a weird taste in his mouth from kissing her. They had her put her boobs on the machine and watched her boobs jiggle. Howard thought it was a bad idea but she actually enjoyed that more than she did sitting on it.
Howard wrapped up with Cindy and Dr. Davis. They had a silicone implant for the guys to touch so they could feel it up. He said it would cost about 8-9 thousand dollars to have those put in. Howard told Dr. Davis to knock them down a notch so they're not so big. Artie told her to go down to a C-cup. Howard told Dr. Davis to bring in chicks anytime. He went to break after that.
Howard talked about how his daughters were telling him that President Clinton is hot. He said it's really weird to hear them talking about stuff like that. He said he was telling them what assholes guys can be and warned them not to fall for certain things guys do. He said that they were also talking about how hot Barack Obama is.
Howard asked Artie about what he was doing earlier when that chick was in there. Artie said he thought she was pretty sexy so he was taking advantage of that. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie has been on fire lately since he got back from Vegas. The Howard TV guys put him up on the monitors so they could see him with his shirt off. Artie said he thinks he looks like a creepy friend of Bob Crane's or something.
Artie said that when Cindy was leaving she came over and gave him a kiss again. She had to say goodbye to him. Howard goofed on Artie and pointed out the odd things on his body. Another caller said that Britney Spears is starting to look like Liza Minelli these days. That got the guys back on that for a short time.
Howard said that the AP story about his new name ''The Howard'' finally came out. He read the article, which wasn't written by Larry McShane like he thought it was going to be. He quickly went through that and then played some audio clips from the TV show Extra. They got an interview with Howard K. Stern who wished that she was in a better place. They also had some footage of Howard K. Stern on the flight back to his home in the Bahamas. Artie liked how Trump was bashing Howard K. Stern yesterday on the show even though the guy is really down at this point.
Howard said that he would go to Pat O'Brien ''aren't you the guy with the coke and the hookers?'' if he was being interviewed. Howard played another clip where Howard K. Talks about how he and Anna were going to get married in less than two weeks. He wasn't even able to talk about it, he just wanted to go home to see his baby. Howard said he's hoping they find that the baby's father was Anna Nicole's son. He's also hoping that if they find it wasn't really Howard K. Stern's son, that they charge him with kidnapping or something. Robin said that it's possible that the baby could inherit Anna's money somehow.
Howard wondered what would happen if the baby's father turns out to be someone other than Howard K. Stern. Robin thinks that there would still be some kind of custody battle because Howard was named legal guardian in the will. Howard figures that Howard K. Stern would try to keep the baby. He said he hates that the guy has the same name as him.
Howard played some more clips of Howard K. Stern from Extra. He and the guys were goofing on that wild delivery that Pat O'Brien has on that show. Howard also played the Pat O'Brien sex tapes that they've played on the show so many times. Artie said he really wants to meet the girl that Pat was talking to in those tapes.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's a family law lawyer so she wanted to give them some information on the Anna Nicole thing. She said that there would have to be an agreement with the Bahamas to force Howard K. Stern to give up the baby if it is found that he's not the father. Howard wondered why there's not a rush being put on the DNA test to find out who the real father is. The caller said that this case is so complicated because they're involving every possible problem in it.
Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said that the biological father, in the United States, would get the baby. Down in the Bahamas things are different. He said that this case could drag out and the legal fees could be $10 million. He was also talking about how odd it is that there have been two deaths in that family in such a short amount of time. He said that down in Florida they're going to be very involved in trying to find out who gave Anna any drugs or pills. They're going to be looking at every single thing in that death and they will figure out what happened to her.
Howard asked Dominic if he's ever dealt with a case where the son turns out to be the feather of the child. Dominic said he had a case similar to that but he didn't get into details. Howard let Dominic go a short time after that.
Howard played another clip from Extra where Pat O'Brien was talking about the sad death of Anna Nicole but they had pretty inappropriate music playing behind him. It was kind of happy music. Howard goofed on them about that. There was another audio clip from Neal Cavuto's show where he asked Clint Eastwood what he thinks about her death. Clint didn't have much of anything to say about the whole thing. He seemed to be thrown off by the question a little bit. John Travolta was also interviewed about Anna and said he loved her.
Howard played some Larry King show where he interviewed some more people about Anna's death. This time he had one of Anna Nicole's friends on the show talking about how she's seen Howard give Anna a bunch of different drugs. After that Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's hoping that they come up with some crazy stories like they would on CSI. He said that maybe Anna was going to expose Howard K. Stern in the death of her son or something like that.
Howard got back to the Larry King interview. The woman said that she doesn't believe that Howard K. Stern is the father of the baby and blamed Anna's break-ups on Howard. Howard played some audio of Howard K. Stern's sister talking about how she thinks that Howard is really the father. Larry King asked her why he doesn't just get the DNA test done and prove it then.
Howard said he'd love the story line if they found out that Howard K. Stern was half alien and this was actually the first mixing of alien and human DNA. Fred threw in a clip of Riley Martin going ''Now, uhhhhhh'' as they were talking about that. Howard played a clip of this guy talking about the case and he had an accent that cracked Artie up. He said he loves that there's someone with an accent like that involved with this story because it's like a bad episode of Fantasy Island or something. The guy is the prince that Zsa Zsa Gabor is married to. He claimed that he wasn't in love with her and that there were probably 30 other guys who could be the father, but he still thinks that he could be the father as well. That guy also said that he knows who the father is but he's going to stay out of it. Howard said that discussion reminded him of Hans and Franz from Saturday Night Live.
Dominic Barbara called back in and said he would take the bets if anyone wanted to bet on who the real father was. Howard told him to go to work and leave him alone.
Howard mentioned that Sour Shoes was on Howard 101 last night and he heard that it was good. Shuli said he listened and thought it was really good. Howard only heard a couple of minutes of it on his way home last night. Shuli said they also spoke to some of the staffers about the Larry King interviews and who would show up if Howard passed away. Howard said he thinks Big Foot would show up. Robin said High Pitch Eric would probably show up for her.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down some of the stories they'll be covering today. He mentioned Cindy getting felt up so the guys asked him why he didn't feel up the chick. Jon said he thought about if he would want his wife doing that to some dude and figured it was a bad idea. Jon also mentioned that they'll be talking about Artie taking his top off while Cindy was there. They'll also talk about Anna Nicole and their dealings with her over the years. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard mentioned that the pictures of Artie bronskying Cindy earlier in the show were up on HowardStern.com. Howard said someone should send them to Dana.
Howard said he's not much of a NASCAR fan but he was reading about the 10 new channels that they're going to have on SIRIUS this year so people can tune in and listen to their favorite driver talking to his pit crew. Fred said he's not much of a NASCAR fan either but that is a pretty cool idea.
Robin started her news and the guys ended up talking about The Police after Robin talked about how they're reuniting and going out on tour. Howard and the guys talked about what a mess they looked like on the Grammy Awards the other night. Howard seems to think that Sting could just keep going out on his solo tour and perform those Police songs without the other guys and still do just fine. He and Gary argued about that for a short time.
Howard said that this guy Zach sent in 169 Baba Booey song parodies that were all cataloged and alphabetized. He played some examples of the songs but he didn't seem so thrilled with them. Robin said they were horrible and Artie said that this guy was making Bob Levy look like Dan the Song Parody Man. He also told the guy to maybe try stand-up instead of song parodies.
Artie asked Howard and Robin if they had seen the new reality TV show ''Shooting Sizemore'' yet. Howard said he was avoiding it but Artie said that it's great. He said it's tragic to watch and there are some slow moments but the show is great. Artie said that the guy is depressed and can't finish this movie he's shooting because of it. He told Robin and Howard to check it out because it really was good.
Howard played some audio clips from Sour Shoes' radio show last night. He was doing his Scott Ferrall voice and went into some songs as a tribute to Sal and Richard. He was switching between that Ferrall voice and his singing voice without skipping a beat. Artie thinks that Sour Shoes is so good that he should audition for Saturday Night Live or shows like that. They need guys who can do voices like that. Howard played some more of him doing the Ferrall impression. He also does a ''Jokey the Jack Man'' impression of Jackie the Joke Man that's actually very good. It had Artie laughing when he heard him. Robin thought that Jackie impression was very good as well.
Howard said that Sour Shoes used to follow him around on the street when he'd walk around had he had to pull him to side one day and tell him to back off. Artie said he remembers seeing him with a big keyboard hanging on his shoulder and a baseball mitt on one hand. Howard told him that he would have him on the show one day but he had to leave him alone out on the street.
Howard played some more of Sour Shoes doing his Ferrall impression and then said that the guy used to cook pancakes in front of K-Rock and Artie would actually eat them. Artie said he never did that. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Artie ran out during the news to go to the bathroom so Howard asked him if he went out to dute. Artie said he went to the bathroom but Sal was jerking him around and keeping him out of the bathroom back there. He said it just wasn't funny. Howard ended the show right after that non-story. It was about 10:40am.
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Howard started off the show talking about his computer being locked up and trying to get that fixed. Scott the Engineer was working on it and had it fixed within a few seconds of the show starting. Howard asked Robin why she didn't call him back last night. Robin said she was sleeping yesterday because she's sick. He said she never calls him back when he calls her. She said she just couldn't get out of bed.
Robin said that Howard doesn't think that she knows how to check her voice mail or even her e-mail. Robin said she heard her phone ringing but she didn't even get up to look at who was calling. She's still a little stuffy today.
Howard said he gave Beth a gift for Valentine's day and he wanted her to hear what it was so she could make fun of him. Artie had an idea of what he was about to say... The marriage word. Howard said he's the one who started the rumor. Artie started laughing at Howard so he told him to stop. He joked that he bought her a Pajamagram and that was it.
Artie said they have to play the tapes of him saying that he would never get married again. Howard said he knows but now he's just engaged, and he plans on staying engaged for 10 years. Howard made the official announcement that he is engaged so the guys were all goofing on him. Fred wanted to know if he had to get married to her. Howard said it wasn't like that, she's not pregnant.
Howard said he had a nice life and he's mad at her for doing this to him. He said she did say yes when he asked her. Gary came in and asked for the specs on the ring. Howard said that back around Christmas he started thinking about this and ended up going to this guy he knew to get the ring. He said that the guy was there at SIRIUS to help him out on the whole ring thing and Beth was scheduled to come down and do some stuff for Howard TV that day. He had to ask Doug Goodstein to reschedule her.
Howard said that their life is great together and he wasn't looking for a change but there are some people who treat her like she's his ''floozy'' or something like that. He said he kind of sees what goes on with certain people so this might help.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he wishes him luck. Howard thought he was laughing at him because that's what it said on the computer screen. Dominic congratulated him on the engagement. Howard said that he's thinking of taking on Beth's last name because of the confusion with Howard K. Stern's name. Artie said that some people will get the story wrong and say that Howard K. Stern just got engaged.
Howard took a call from a guy who did laugh at Howard for getting engaged. He goofed on Howard about the whole thing. Howard went on to say that the whole thing was very romantic but Beth didn't break into tears or anything. That kind of thing has been over for years.
Howard took another call from Wolfie who said that he remembers back to 1999 when he said he would never get married again. He said it didn't take him long to change. Howard said it's been 8 years so it's been quite a while. Robin said that this has been going on for a couple of years now, it's not like it just happened.
Artie asked if he had a pre-nup in the works yet. Howard said they haven't gotten that far, but he will have one. Ronnie came in and offered to do the bachelor party for him. Howard said Ross already asked him when that's going to happen. He's still in shock over the whole thing.
Robin pointed out that Howard didn't feel up that chick who was in the studio yesterday. Howard said it would have been a bad idea to do that on the same day he was asking Beth to marry him. The guys were also talking about Beth getting pregnant and having a baby. Howard said that's just not going to happen but the guys said they can picture him walking the baby down the street in a stroller. Howard said that stuff looks like complete torture to him and he can't imagine going through that. He said he's happy for his friends who have kids but he can't go through that again.
Howard said he called Beth's parents last night to let them know what was going on. He joked that he told High Pitch Eric too. Gary said that Beth told him at one point that she was going to be ''Mrs. Stern.'' Robin couldn't believe that she missed the call about this yesterday. Howard said he tried calling her twice yesterday and he never got through.
Howard got back to the story of how all of this came about. He was thinking about it back around Christmas. He was going through that when he saw he had a guy on the phone saying that he was an asshole for getting married. Howard said he's not married yet though. He said he's not ruining anything. The guy said there's nothing wrong with stability but they already have the stability. The guy said that the fans are going to slam him over this. Howard said the engagement is off then. He was just joking but he said he couldn't take the pressure.
Howard said that he really is shaken up. He was trying to tell the story but everyone was giving him a hard time. Artie asked him when he thought that he was going to get officially engaged. Howard said he still hasn't thought about it. He said he did talk to his kids about it about a year ago and has been thinking about it for a while now. It turns out he's not as much of a player as he thought he was going to be. He doesn't need to be married but he felt that there are people who think that it's not a real relationship because they weren't married. He said that Beth doesn't seem to care if they're married but he thought it would be a nice thing to do.
Howard said he spoke to this guy Richie about getting a ring. It was around Christmas but he didn't have time to get the ring done so he got Beth a necklace instead. The guy was surprised when he asked about a ring but they put it off until after the holidays. He said he's been looking at rings for a while now and he kind of knew what she liked.
Artie interrupted and got on his megaphone as Beth and said he was knitting baby booties. He also got on as Beth's mom and goofed on him. Howard said that was it, the engagement is off. Artie did some of his own Grandma Caprio impression before Howard could do it.
Howard tried to get into the details of the ring but he wanted to know if anyone else wanted to goof on him. He said he didn't talk to Fred last night but did speak to his wife. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he's nuts for doing this. Artie said that he thinks the whole therapy thing helped him get to that point. He said he's been around people who are in awful relationships and Howard really got lucky finding this person. He'd like to bust his balls but he thinks that he's setting up a very happy ''rest of his life.'' Howard wanted to know if anyone thought it was a mistake. No one would say it was.
Howard said that they are engaged and planning to get married at some point. Artie said he thinks Howard is setting up a nice, relaxing future. He thinks it'll be a happy time for him when he retires. He'll have Beth and he'll be able to relax and vacation when he retires.
Sal came in and told Howard that he's very happy for him. Then he asked what happened to Beth saying that she never wanted to get married. Sal said that Howard is forcing her into it then. Howard said this was all his idea, she never demanded it from him. Howard said it's all his decision to go forward with it. Sal was laughing at Howard and wondering if Beth was going to want a baby. Howard said he told Beth that the baby thing isn't going to happen so Beth said that they might have to get divorced some day if she changes her mind about that.
Howard told Sal to get out of there. Sal told him that he's the one who will be in misery 10 years from now. He said that it's like Jekyll and Hyde. The guys asked Sal if he was coloring his beard because it looked kind of odd. Sal said he wasn't doing that and swore on the life of his kids he wasn't.
Benjy asked Howard if he knows what time it was that he did the engagement thing because he saw that Howard was writing about Scott DePace on their email system. Howard said it was before that and it was all over by then. He was back to work within a short amount of time.
Double A called in and congratulated Howard on the engagement. He said that he's become Howard's bro over the years and this couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Double A said he wouldn't hesitate to marry Beth if he had her, but he's not going to get married because he's having too much fun at this point.
Dominic Barbara called back in and put his wife Leslie on the phone to congratulate him. Howard thanked her for that. He joked that it would be funny if Leslie started tapping out S.O.S. on the phone to get her out of that marriage. Howard thanked her for the call and then Dominic got back on and said that they will film the pre-nup as a 3 camera shoot. He said he'd love to be part of the wedding but threw in a ''Daddy, wipe me'' joke.
Artie got on the megaphone and did his Beth impression. He was calling as Beth and saying that it was time to take little Howie to little league practice. Howard said that's it, the marriage is off. Artie continued to goof on him about that but then tried to get Howard back to the ring story.
Howard said he was looking to see if anyone who was coming in today was going to bust his balls. They didn't have any guests who were going to do that. He said he was getting woozy over this whole thing. Robin told him it was a good move and he should stop worrying about it. Howard said he can dish it out but he obviously can't take it when people goof on him.
Howard got back to the ring story and mentioned he got it yesterday. He said it looked good and he hadn't discussed it with many people at all. He said he mentioned it to his shrink and his agent and accountant. He didn't even talk to his parents about it. He didn't know why he would do that. He said his father didn't even get on the phone to talk to him least night when he let his mother know what was going on. Robin thought that was kind of crazy. He didn't even call back to talk to him after his mother was supposed to tell him about it.
Howard said that he and his father know each other about as well as two strangers on the street. The guys found it hard to believe that Ben wouldn't get on the phone with his son when something huge like that happens in his son's life. Howard said he's used to that though. He said that his mother was excited about it.
Artie was laughing at Howard about that whole thing. Howard said that got him thinking about how his father didn't call him back. He took a call from the back office where they were playing clips of his mother talking about how dreadful this was. Howard got a laugh out of that.
The news had already hit the news wire so Gary brought in the first story. Howard read the story and got a few laughs out of that. He then took a call from Blue Iris who told him that she'd blow him before he gets married. Howard thanked her for that and then Blue said that she takes the cake for giving the best blow jobs. She also told Howard that she always feels safe when she hears his voice. Blue said she's feeling good but she has to lose 30 pounds because the doctor told her to do that after she suffered her stroke.
Howard let Blue go and said that he's going to be busy today and he wasn't going to be able to give her the ring today so that's why he did it yesterday. He asked her if she wanted the gift early but demanded that she get naked for him first. She didn't want to do that because she hadn't showered and had just eaten so she felt fat. Howard said that he told her she could wait for tomorrow if she didn't get naked so that's what she said she'd do.
Howard said Beth asked him what he got her and asked if it was jewelry. He said that's not what it was but it was something she really wanted. Howard said they went to the bedroom so she could get naked for him. He said she removed her clothing and so did he. He said he had a boner so he ran into the other room and got the ring box. He said the dog was smelling his balls and ass as he was running around and that was grossing him out. He said it was really annoying. Howard said he was a nervous wreck at the time.
Howard said he hadn't prepared a speech so he wasn't quite sure how to ask her to marry him. He went into the bedroom and palmed the ring so she couldn't see it. He then told her he loves her and she means everything to him. He said he knows it's ''so gay'' and then continued the story where he said something like ''I'm asking you to spend the rest of your life with me...'' Artie did one of those coughing things where he says ''Cough..Haggot'' and Fred played some Gilbert Gottfried laughs and ''What are you a homo!?''
Howard said Beth was very surprised when she saw the ring and thought he was goofing on her or something. Howard said that if she didn't like the ring, she could have told him and he would have had it changed. He said she loved the ring and it even fit her perfectly. He didn't know what her ring size was, they just took a guess.
Robin said she saw Beth asking Bubba's wife about what cut her diamond was when they were at their wedding. Howard said Beth wanted an emerald cut so that's what he got for her. Artie said he could have hooked Howard up with his diamond guy. Howard asked him what size his diamond was. Artie's was 4 carats and Howard got Beth a 5.2 carat diamond.
Artie asked Howard if they would be laughing at him if he told them what the ring cost. Howard said ''yes'' so everyone laughed. Robin congratulated Howard on the whole thing. Howard said that he and Beth started fucking after she got the ring and they couldn't stop talking during that. He said she had a very powerful orgasm after that. Fred said it was a ''5.2 on the Richter scale.''
Howard said he made the series of phone calls to everyone after all of that. He said he called Beth's parents and spoke to her father and asked if he had his blessing. The guy, Bob, said he had to let that all sink in after he asked. He said that if he wanted him to call it all off he'd do that. Bob told him he thinks Howard is a good dude and they're a great couple. Both of her parents gave their blessings for the marriage and he said it was kind of weird to go through all of that.
Howard went on to talk about how he didn't squeeze that girl's tits on the show yesterday. He said he told Beth that he didn't do it so she told him to go ahead and do that stuff if he wants. He said he should call Beth and talk to her today. He asked Robin if she wanted to hear what she sounds like as an engaged woman. Robin did want to hear her.
Beth said that Howard was thinking of not talking about this today. Howard went on to talk about how he has no desire to have kids. Beth said she's with him on that. Beth asked if people are giving him crap already. Howard said that Artie has been on the megaphone already.
Gary came in and said that he overheard the guys in the office saying that Beth didn't want to get married and the whole kid thing could be the same way. Howard said that he's not going to allow a Wrap Up Show today and no Superfan Roundtable this week if they're going to discuss this stuff. He said they're all going to be fired if they bring it up.
Howard said that he and Beth have been together for 7 years already and they have tested the waters so he knows this will work. Howard said that these people who are making fun of him are out of line. Robin said that no one has been making fun. She was laughing as she said that.
Beth was claiming that Howard just handed over the ring and didn't really ask her to marry him. Howard said he did though. The guys ended up talking about how weird it was that Howard's dad didn't call back last night. Beth said that her father had one condition for the marriage. He doesn't want Howard calling him ''dad.'' Howard said that he said the right thing when he asked that.
Beth said that she's going out to lunch today and she'll be showing off that ring to her friends. The guys told her not to say where she was going because the paparazzi would be taking pictures of the ring. The guys asked Beth what this means to her. She said she was still letting it sink in.
Gary thinks that this is going to hit the NY Post on the cover tomorrow. Howard said he doesn't think that will happen. Gary said he's so going to be on the cover. Howard said it'll probably be a small mention somewhere, nothing big. The rest of the guys insist that it will be the cover story. Gary also said that any pictures of Beth in a wedding dress will start surfacing.
Howard said that they're very low key and not looking for any attention. Robin said that there will be no quiet ceremony. Beth said she doesn't want people asking for a date because they haven't set it up. Robin said that they can't have a small ceremony, they have to have everyone there. Beth said this is the most beautiful Valentine's Day of her life. Gary added ''...except when you give birth.'' Howard said that if they had seen Beth stripping down last night, they wouldn't have had a second thought either.
Artie said that whenever he gave Dana a gift, she would make him put on more clothing. Beth said that while they were having sex last night, she was staring at her ring with her hand up in the air. She said that they had a fun time doing that. She said they have a great sex life. She thinks that they have gotten very comfortable with each other over the past 7 years and she can see it getting more comfortable. Howard told her not to get too comfortable though.
Howard took another call from the back office. It was the guys playing clips of Ben Stern talking about marriage and telling Howard that divorce is very popular these days. Beth thought it was really Ben, not knowing that they were playing audio clips. Ben told Howard that he was wrong for doing this and he shouldn't go through with it. Howard said that was Sal having a field day back there.
Beth said that the ring is not obnoxious and it was very beautiful. She said she doesn't want to take it off but she has to go to the gym today. She said that was very sad that she had to take it off. Beth said that their dog was screaming in pain from the ice out on the street this morning. The salt they put down on the street eats away at the dog's feet. Beth said there is a salt out there that doesn't hurt the animal's paws so she wants to find out more about that. The salt they use now gets into Bianca's ''vagine'' because she sits in it when her feet start to hurt. She said that it doesn't just hurt the animals, it gets on little kids and stuff when they're being walked around on the street.
Artie said that Beth was making a good point and she should keep it in mind for when she has a kid in a couple of years. Howard told him that's not funny and asked him why he's there, doesn't he have a FOX deal? Beth got back to the salt thing and said she really wants to find out more about the special salt so she can try to do something about it. Robin and Artie congratulated Beth on her engagement as Howard was letting her go.
Howard played the prank call he played yesterday where Richard calls a pharmacy and has some dry heaving problems. He used a porn sound clip of a guy cumming in a very loud way as his dry heaving sound. Richard told Howard that he came up with some new song parodies with that cumming sound clip in it. Howard played those songs which included a Who song and a Bon Jovi song.
Howard asked if the guys wanted to see this guy cumming. Richard said he loves to see guys shooting their loads, he's not sure why, but it turns him on. Howard thought that was kind of weird and maybe gay. Howard said that in that part of the porn you're looking at a dude finishing so he thinks it's kind of gay. Artie said he gets kind of grossed out by that. Richard said he pictures that he's the guy so that's why he gets off on it. Howard had to go to break right after that.
Lisa G came in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that she was so mad at herself for not asking him what he was doing for Valentine's Day this year. Howard told her not to make a big deal out of this whole thing, it's not that big of a deal. She asked Howard about the ring setting and if it had diamonds around the big diamond. Howard gave her a couple of details about that but Lisa said she had mixed feelings about this whole thing.
Lisa said that Howard has changed now and it's not the same Howard she knew before. She said he was the one who didn't want to get married. She said that they'll have full team coverage on today's Howard 100 News. That was all she had for them. Howard said she really was shook up by this whole thing. Howard told Fred that nothing has changed though. Fred said he's happy if Howard is happy.
Benjy asked Howard if he could guarantee there would be no third marriage. Robin thinks that this could make the long haul. She said that Howard has gone through a lot of therapy and he's bonding with people differently now. She thinks that it really could last.
Howard said he's excited but also nervous about this whole engagement. He said he doesn't want things to ever go bad. Howard said he's afraid that things might change. This is like sharing his personal life with a lot of people. It would have been easier not to do this but there was something inside of him that made him want to do it.
Artie said he hopes he doesn't have to buy a bigger suit. Howard told him he doesn't have to buy any suit. That led to the guys picturing Artie at the wedding being enormous. Artie said he'd probably have one of those oxygen tanks with the hoses hooked up to his nose by then.
Howard said he's not going to allow himself to be ''raped'' in a divorce so he's going to make sure he has that pre-nup. Mel wanted to get to the rape thing so Howard changed subjects. He asked Mel where he's from. The guy said he runs The National Center for Men (NationalCenterForMen.org).
Howard gave the story that they were going to debate. He said that if a guy is having sex with a woman and in the middle of it she says ''I don't want to have sex with you.'' and then you pump a couple more times and finish, is that rape? The guys debated it and thought about what the answer would be. Howard said that if a woman says no, you have to pull out immediately. Mel said he agrees with that.
Mel said that there was a story about a 16 year old boy who was having sex with an 18 year old girl who told him to stop in the middle of it. He read from the story and how the kid was convicted of rape and sentenced to 15 years in prison for it. The kid kept going for about 5 seconds according to the girl and he was sent to prison for 15 years because of that. The guys all thought that was wrong.
Fred wondered why it wasn't statutory rape on the girl's part because the boy was so young. Mel said he thinks that the boy was of consenting age so it wasn't rape. The guys all thought that the 5 seconds wasn't all that much time.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that the rape case was all wrong. He said that he had a case from back when they were at K-Rock and someone there had consensual sex with a woman who ended up calling the cops and accusing the guy of raping her. It turns out she had done it to other people as well. Dominic said that the story they were talking about sounded wrong to him as well. He said that if the people are in the middle of sex when the woman tells the guy to pull out, it's not rape.
Mel said that it's the courts and legislature that are going down this road and making it worse than it should be. Dominic went into another story about a case he had where a woman admitted to shaking men down for money by accusing them of rape after having consensual sex with them. Dominic said this could go pretty far if they keep that kind of stuff up.
Howard asked Dominic about this case Mel was talking about and why they would send this kid to jail. Dominic said that if the boy introduced drugs into the whole thing then that could have led to the case going the way it did. Howard told Dominic he wants him looking into this whole thing for him.
Artie wanted to know what made Howard change his mind on this case. Howard said that if he was inside a woman and she asked him to pull out, he would do it, but maybe not even immediately. He'd wonder if she was kidding him or not. Howard said the kid did withdraw and did the right thing, he didn't know there was a time limit. Dominic said it shouldn't matter if the kid kept going for 20 minutes, he shouldn't have been convicted of rape if he was already inside her with her permission.
There were more details from the story that Mel was talking about. It turns out there were other people in the car and the woman may have felt intimidated by the other guy. Dominic said that changes the case because it's not just two people in a bedroom somewhere. Dominic said it sounds like the woman was intimidated into having sex with the guy because there were two guys in the car with her. He thought that was a very important factor in the case.
Dominic got off the phone so Howard and the guys talked about the case and how there were some details left out so they thought the whole story had changed. Benjy had found the other details and told Howard that the appeals court had reversed the conviction. They continued to debate that 5 second thing. Some of the guys thought it wasn't all that much time at all. Howard told everyone to just pull out as fast as possible if a woman tells you to stop. He said you can always beat off.
Howard gave Mel another plug for his web site and wrapped up with him. He said he thinks Mel is a common sense kind of guy from what he can tell. They spent a little more time talking about how the story changed after they found out more details though. Robin didn't know why they would talk about something like this on a romantic day like this. Howard said they have to talk about all kinds of situations on a day like this.
Bobby said he had forgotten about that clip after Anna died. Howard said he hates that Howard K. Stern has the same name as him. They talked about that and also brought up Anna's baby and how there are a lot of guys coming out of the woodwork claiming to be the father.
Gary said that he was on the web last night searching for Bobby Trendy and found that Bobby may have been the one who started the rumor that Anna's son might be the father of her baby. Bobby said he doesn't think that he was the one who started it but anything is possible. He said he believes that Howard K. Stern is a gold digger and it could very well be his baby.
Bobby said he saw a lot of weird stuff in the house with Anna and Howard. He said he saw Howard pushing himself on Anna on many occasions. He said that all of the stuff going on with them toward the end was all Howard's idea. Howard asked a theoretical question about the baby being born, possibly addicted to methadone, because it was rumored that Anna was on methadone when she died. He said that no one can test the kid down in The Bahamas so that's one reason she may have gone down there. He said that maybe they didn't want the methadone thing coming out.
Robin said that it is kind of risky to have the kid down there because it could screw up the whole citizenship for the kid.
Gary asked Bobby when he last spoke to Anna. He said that he thinks that Howard was in charge of her life and he didn't get to talk much to her at all. Howard told Bobby about how he got engaged to Beth. Bobby congratulated him on that. Howard then changed subjects and asked him if he likes ass play. He said he can picture him being like a girl. Bobby didn't get into details though.
Howard asked Bobby if he lets guys lick his ass. He said that he does let guys do that to him but he doesn't do it to other guys. He likes to lay there and be worshiped. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and let him go. Bobby wished them a Happy Valentine's Day as he was getting off the phone.
Howard talked about what a mess Bubba's leg is after his surgery. He said it's still not healing and he's still having problems with that. Ronnie came in and said that he was listening to Bubba's show and heard him talking about how he's got clearance to have sex with his wife now. His doctor has been yelling at him for driving his race car when he's not supposed to be doing that.
Ronnie said that Bubba has been off the Ambien lately but now he's taking some other stuff and Nyquil to get to sleep. Bubba was on the phone so Howard put him on. Bubba thinks that Howard is doing the right thing and he's got the right girl. Bubba said that he could tell that Howard and Beth were really into the wedding thing when they were at his.
Howard asked Bubba how many times he's had sex with his wife since the wedding. Bubba said it's probably only about 4 times. He said that the surgery really screwed him up. Bubba has had an open wound on his leg since the surgery and it's not healing. Howard said he would do everything he could to get that to heal up. Bubba said he was supposed to be in bed for a couple of weeks but he couldn't do it. He blames himself for it all. He said he keeps bandages on it and takes a couple of baths every day. He said that's when he fingers the hole and feels the texture and size of it.
Gary said that Bubba is so into racing cars, he had his wedding ring made of tungsten so he wouldn't ruin it while working on his cars. Howard played an audio clip of Bubba talking to a guy on a show about the ring and how he can work on the cars and not scratch it up.
Bubba asked Howard if he's set a date for the wedding yet. Howard said he's going to be engaged for 10 years, he's not going to get married anytime soon. Bubba asked him about the size of his ring and gave him a ''Wow!'' when he heard it was a 5.2 carat diamond. Bubba wife's was 7 but it might not be the same quality.
Bubba asked Gary how his appearance went down in Philly. Gary said it went well and Bubba helped him promote it. He said he doesn't think that the people who listen to Bubba live in Philly though. The guys ended up talking about the Sour Shoes show that aired the other night. Bubba said that guy was kind of strange, he worked with him on another special show he had done.
Gary said that Sour Shoes showed up at his father's funeral and was singing songs for people out in the parking lot. He talked about how strange that was but also said it was kind of comforting to have him there.
Bubba's wife Heather got on the line and congratulated Howard on his engagement. Howard talked to her about her wedding and asked her about the thing on Bubba's leg. She said it's not gross but it is a little bit of an oddity. She said she's packed it with gauze and stuff like that. Howard said that he and Beth had a great time at their wedding. He said he and Beth were thinking about getting married for a long time so that wedding helped push them there.
Bubba was back on the line so Howard gave him another plug for the Friday morning show he'll be doing. Bubba was also telling Howard that he and Heather are coming up to The Hamptons this summer. Robin and Bubba also said that they're still trying to set up the race that they've been talking about for quite some time now. Bubba said that it's going to take someone bitching about it to make that race happen so Howard might have to step in and do something.
Gary came in and handed Howard another news report about his engagement. It was from some unknown web site and it wasn't like an AP report. Gary said they were wondering in the office how they're going to print the story about his engagement. Everyone but Howard thought it was going to end up on the cover of the paper. Howard said he really doesn't think that's going to happen.
Howard told Bubba the story about how he gave the ring to Beth after asking her to get naked for him. He had to convince her to do that but eventually got her naked. He said he got naked too and gave her the ring while he was naked with a boner. Gary said that his Wikipedia entry was updated with the engagement by 6:40 this morning.
Howard let Bubba go a short time later. They talked about how the news was spreading so fast. PerezHilton.com already had the news listed. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Doug Goodstein told Howard they have a bed set up for Artie if he wants to take a nap. Artie said it felt so good to nap in there. Howard had Ted Nugent on the line. Ted didn't know that he was engaged so Robin filled him in. Ted congratulated him on that.
Howard said he wanted to sum up what they wanted to talk to him about. He said that they wanted to send Artie out hunting with Richard's father. Artie may not be able to hunt because he was a convicted felon. Ted said that's true but he can hunt with a bow instead of a gun.
Howard had Sam Simon on the phone because he was against this whole hunting thing. Ted and Sam said their hello's and then Howard told Ted about this letter that Sam sent him about what happens when an animal is wounded by a bow. Howard asked Sam to give the argument why they shouldn't bow hunt. Sam said that it's hunting in general that he's against. He said that many animals are wounded and don't die so they suffer. Ted said that all of his animals have been dead, he can't eat them live.
Ted said that even eagles that hunt for fish wound about 80 percent of the fish they try to catch. Ted said that only about 10 percent of the hunted game are wounded and keep going. He said that animals can wound each other even worse during mating season. Sam said that hunters have logic that doesn't make any sense. He though that what Ted was talking about was kind of crazy and he doesn't want more suffering going on in this world than there needs to be.
Ted said that if you look at wild animals as cartoon characters, then don't go hunting. Ted said that he hunts to feed his family. He doesn't just do it for fun. Ted and Sam ended up arguing the whole hunting thing. Neither of them are going to budge on their stance. Howard said it is kind of sad to see the animals hurt the way they do.
Sam asked Ted if he eats leopards when he hunts them. Ted said he has. Sam talked about how he's actually saved some leopards from being shot in these controlled hunting events because they have no way to get away. They're stuck in an enclosure where the hunters can just shoot them in the open. Ted told Sam that he's full of shit and out of his mind. He accused him of lying about that stuff. Sam said he's seen it for himself so he's absolutely not lying.
Ted said that he has hunted zebra, elephant and many other things. He said that the meat they get is given to people who need to eat across this country. They hunt deer for those people. Sam said that they do that just so they have an excuse to kill more deer.
Sam said that Ted makes an enormous amount of money from this hunting he does. He said the guy makes money off DVDs and stuff like that so he's not just hunting for food. Ted told Sam to suck his dick after hearing that. He said that the money he makes goes to help kids and various charities. Sam said that maybe Ted gives away his money but there are people making money on the hunting.
Howard was checking out some pictures on Ted's web site (TNugent.com) where he shows his kills. They had one of a zebra and a buffalo. Sam didn't understand why he would want to go out and do this stuff.
Artie said he didn't know it was going to go this far with the whole hunting thing. Ted told Artie he'd take him bow hunting and he'd have a great time. Sam said that Artie barely gets outside so he's not sure how he's going to go hunting.
Howard said that Ted does make a good argument for why he hunts. Sam didn't think that was true. He said that these people take pleasure in killing these animals. Sam said that the most killed animal in his country is the morning dove and no one eats them. Ted said that's not true, people do eat those birds all the time. Ted said that the habitat can only sustain so many animals and they do have to kill them.
Ted said that he has some Vegan friends that come to his house and eat with him. He said he has no problem with people who don't eat meat. He'd even prepare Sam a salad if he wanted. He wondered if Sam would make him a steak if he came to his house. Sam said he absolutely would. Ted said that was a step in the right direction.
Howard said he gets why Sam is against the hunting thing. Sam doesn't think that they should enjoy going out to kill these animals. Sam said he has no problem with Richard Christy's father killing animals because he has to eat. He doesn't have a lot of money, he does it to survive. Artie asked why Sam would have a problem with him going hunting with Mr. Christy. Sam said that Richard's dad has to do it to survive, Artie doesn't.
Howard asked Artie if he's going to go hunting or not now that he's heard these arguments. Artie said he will go if he can shoot a gun. He will not do it if he can only use a bow. He said it would be a waste of time if he went bow hunting because he would be horrible. Artie said he would feel horrible if he went out to do something like that and ended up just injuring an animal. Ted said he wouldn't want him hunting with a bow unless he could prove he could kill with a clean shot.
Howard played a clip of Richard's dad talking about the road kill that they've eaten. He said if they see it freshly killed, they'll pick it up and take it home. Ted said that he's saved some road kill to eat himself. Howard said that he's more on Sam's side in this whole thing. Ted said that's okay, because there are plenty of people out there who will kill them for him.
Howard wondered if Ted would kill a person if it was legalized. Ted said he's not into cannibalism so he would not do that. Howard let the two of them go after that. Ted told Sam to have a Tofu dream as he was getting off the line.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ted Nugent is a dick head and pointed out that we're intruding on the animal's space so that's why it seems they're over populated. Another guy said that Sam Simon has his head up his ass about hunting. Howard said that Sam actually does something really cool and saves dogs that are on death row and trains them to help deaf kids with his Sam Simon Foundation.
The caller told Howard that hunting is a sport and a way of life. He said that up in Vermont, that's the way people live up there. Gary asked how it's a sport if the animal doesn't have a gun too. The caller said that the animals know that they're playing a game and he guarantees that. The guy was also saying that felons are allowed to hunt up there in Vermont with a muzzle loader. He said he was able to shoot two deer back to back within minutes with one of those guns himself.
Howard said that Artie can't even stay awake, he's not going hunting. Artie said he'll end up going out to Kansas and going to Burger King. Another caller asked Howard if they're going to have full coverage of his marriage on Howard TV. Howard said he doesn't think he'll be doing any of that stuff. He's not as open as Bubba with that stuff. He said they will have some coverage of Beth's ring and what happened this morning though.
Artie said that he'll let the guys know if he can go hunting and shoot a gun. Howard said he doesn't know about that. He can't imagine doing that himself. Robin said she used to have to dissect frogs when she was in school and they had to keep them alive as they were dissecting them. She said that was really tough to do. Artie said it's probably just not a good idea for him to go hunting.
Howard had to go to break after that but he played a prank call that Sal made to a pizza place trying to order a pizza from a train station. Sal had to use two computers to make that call happen. He'd give his order but a train horn would go off each time he gave the order. The pizza place told him ''Fuck you and your pizza order, I don't need this during lunch!'' and hung up on him.
Howard asked Artie what's up with him being so tired during the show. Artie said he thinks it could be his weight. The Howard TV guys showed him laying on the couch and trying to get up from his nap. The guys all laughed and said he looks like a pregnant woman trying to get up. Even Artie couldn't believe it and said ''Holy shit!'' when he saw himself trying to get up off the couch. Richard said that he woke Artie up with an air horn, that's why he jumped in that clip. Gary said that Artie fell asleep the other day when he was talking to him during a break. Howard went to break after that. Fred played them out with Howard and Beth singing karaoke to ''Close to You.''
Howard said that Yucko The Clown wanted to congratulate him. He got him on the line. Yucko congratulated him in the Yucko way by calling him a Kiky Hebe.
Howard had the Barbi Twins, Shane and Sia, on the phone. Howard said that one of the things he regrets is never having fucked those two. The girls used to both bang Ken Wahl but they don't do that anymore. Shane is the one who is with him now. Howard asked if they ever touch each other when they had sex. They said that they never did that. Howard was getting kind of dirty so the girls said they like this new radio station because they can say anything.
Howard asked the girls about having sex with Ken and wondered how they never could have touched each other while having sex at the same time. They said that they didn't have it at the same time really. The girls admitted that they hit the wall years ago and they're not that hot anymore. Howard said he thought they were cool chicks after interviewing them a couple of times. He figured they'd be kind of air heads but they turned out to be really cool.
Howard asked the girls about the intervention they did with Anna Nicole Smith. They talked about that a little bit and said that they went through addiction problems themselves. They said that they asked Anna if she wanted to go to AA with them and just wanted to plant the seed in her head. They said that it was obvious that she was medicated on something but they're not sure what it was. Anna never called them back after they called.
Howard asked the girls if they have baloney tits now. They said they do but there are some amazing bras out there. Howard asked how old they are. They said they're going to be 44. Howard said ''Oh, I'm so sorry...'' The girls congratulated Howard on his engagement and said that Beth is a wonderful woman for doing what she dos for the North Shore Animal League.
The girls talked more about Anna and what they knew about her before she passed away last week. They also talked about what's going on with research at UCLA. They're going to be protesting out there, today, over the testing they're doing on animals there. They'll be there today at 11:30am on the corner of Westwood and La Conte. Howard let them go after that.
Howard said he really digs those girls because they always seemed so cool. He wasn't even sure how they made their money but they seemed to have fun all the time. He said that they looked great in their prime. He's not sure what they look like now but he could just imagine having one of them on all fours and plowing into her.
Howard let the caller go and mentioned that he wants to start watching that show ''Shooting Sizemore'' that Artie mentioned yesterday. He had a clip from the show where Tom falls out of a truck and his assistant tries to help him out. He said that clip has convinced him to start watching the show. In the clip Tom sounds completely out of it and can't even speak. His assistant asks him not to talk but he keeps going.
Howard asked Artie if he ever thinks that could happen to him. Artie didn't seem to think he could ever end up like that.
Howard played a Chris Rock comedy routine where he talks about how marriage ruins your sex life. Howard had to cut it off a short time in because it was kind of depressing to him.
Shuli said that they're also going to be talking to Howard Stern's across the country and asking them what they think about all of the Howard Stern news. They're also talking to Robin Quivers' around the country. They also have a new Page 69 report about Jon Hein giving up on fast food on February 1st but then breaking that rule and having some fast food on February 2nd. Jon said that is true and he will go back to that rule soon. He had a Wendy's triple burger with fries and a large Coke to wash it all down.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He mentioned the stories they'll be covering today on the show. They will talk about Howard's announcement, the hunting debate, Bobby Trendy's call and a few other things. Howard thanked him for that and then played some audio clips from yesterday's Wrap Up Show. They discussed the boob touching thing on the show yesterday and how Howard didn't get up to do it while all of the other guys did.
Howard had another Wrap Up Show clip where JD got mad at another caller even after he asked him not to. There was another clip of Scott DePace talking about playing video games and making his on-screen character look like Howard in Tiger Woods Golf. Robin said that Scott was talking about something else that was interesting but she couldn't remember what it was. Howard played another clip where the guys talked about the intelligence of the people on the show. JD was talking about who he thinks is the smartest but that led to Howard goofing on him saying he's the stupidest on the show.
Howard goofed on JD for saying that Artie is smart because he watches BET sometimes. JD came in after they started goofing on him. Fred did an impression of him the whole time he was trying to explain himself. Fred also threw in some Hawaiian music for JD before he left. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Ralph said he thinks that Beth is the perfect girl for Howard and he knows that she's in love with him and it has nothing to do with his money or his fame. He thinks that she makes Howard a better person. Gary came in and told Howard that Jon Hein went out to talk to his parents the other day and he asked them if they thought he'd ever get engaged. Mrs. Stern said she thinks he will. She figured he'd come to his senses and do it. Ben asked what the Las Vegas line was on that. Howard said his father didn't even get on the phone last night when he called to tell his mom what was going on.
Ralph said he doesn't think that Howard should have a pre-nup. Howard said he's going to have one and be realistic about it. He said Beth is okay with it. Ralph said he thinks things will work out for them. He said that if Howard does get married and divorced, no one will be around to make fun of him because he'll probably be off the air by then. Robin said she'll hunt him down just to laugh at him.
Howard's father finally called in to talk about this engagement thing. Ben said he didn't find out until about 2 hours after he heard that Howard had called the house. He said it was 8 o'clock before he found out the news. He was going to call both Beth and Howard off the air today but then he heard him talking about it on the show so he figured he'd call in. He said he loves Beth and he's looking forward to them having a wonderful life. Robin asked if he wants more grand kids. Ben said he knows that Howard doesn't want more kids. He's not a kid himself anymore so he doesn't want that stuff.
Howard said he's near his retirement soon and he doesn't need a kid in the mix. He said it's the right thing to get married though. Howard thanked his father for calling in and let him go a short time later. Howard told Robin that he's going to have a naked wedding and she'll have to be naked there. Robin said she'll do whatever she has to.
King of All Blacks called in and congratulated Howard on his engagement. He thinks that it will work out and it will last. He then asked Howard what he's going to change about himself to make it work. Howard said he's not changing anything. King said that Howard seems to be very stubborn and maybe he should let things flow and not say that he doesn't want kids. Maybe he should just let it go and deal with it if it comes. Howard was getting irritated with that stuff and said he really hates people piling on top of him. He enjoys doing that stuff to other people but not when they do it to him.
Ralph called back and said that Beth has her own life and that's what makes her such a great girl for Howard. He said that the worst mistake that women make is to make their man their whole life. Howard seemed to agree with that. Howard thanked him for that and had Robin get back into her news.
Angry Black called in and said that he once said that if they lost Howard (to marriage) then they lost he war. He said he was wrong and he's very happy for him now and he wishes him all the luck in the world. Angry Black also asked Howard if they're going to do Vegas this year. Howard said he's not sure about that and there haven't been any discussions about it at this point. He did have a meeting with some of the higher ups at SIRIUS and talked about the future of the show. He said they're very much behind the show and the two channels so they're looking good.
Angry Black also asked Fred if he's enjoying the boxing he's doing. Fred said he really does enjoy it so Angry told him that if he ever wants a sparring partner, he's available.
Robin got back to her news and ended up getting Howard into a discussion about TV program directors who come and go like crazy. Howard said that it's all luck when it comes to programming TV and even if you get a network to number one, they'll kick you out right as you're getting there. He said that's what happened to Lloyd Braun over at ABC when he okayed ''Lost'' and ''Desperate Housewives'' to air and then got fired. He was also talking about this guy Garth Ancier who used to blow him off when he'd go to him trying to pitch shows to him. Now he's out at FOX and working for the BBC. Howard seemed to enjoy hearing that news.
At one point Robin asked the guys what movies are their favorite romantic movies. Howard said it would be ''Pretty Woman'' for him. Artie said ''Casablanca'' and Fred threw in ''Story Telling.'' Howard didn't get that until Fred played a clip from that movie that they've played on the show many times. It's a love scene where a black guy is banging a white chick and telling her to say ''nig*er fuck me hard!'' over and over again.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show with Artie doing his Beth impression right from the start. Howard said that Doug Goodstein was trying to get people to pull clips form when he bashed him on the show when he announced he was getting married. Howard said he heard some of those clips and they are pretty brutal. He played some of them to show everyone just how mean he was back then. In the clip Howard is asking Doug why he's getting married when he's not planning on having kids for a few years. He was asking Doug why he has to rush into that so soon.
Artie said that was pretty brutal and even Ralph was in on it. Howard said Ralph hasn't called him since yesterday and he thinks he's a little upset that he didn't call him on Tuesday night when he called a bunch of other people. Howard got back to the Doug tape and played more where he was telling Doug that he'll be miserable. He used Gary as an example and pointed out that he's miserable.
Howard said he wants those tapes destroyed even though he worked so hard to get them. He played more where he was telling Doug just to enjoy his relationship and not get married. He told Doug he was going to laugh at him when he got married. After listening to that he said he just talked himself out of getting married. He wondered what he's doing by getting engaged.
Howard said Artie called him last night and had a nice conversation with him about the engagement. He said that they never get together for dinner or anything and it's nice to talk to him off the air. Artie said that he got a ten on every level with Beth and he's very lucky.
Howard said he never thought of himself as one of these guys. He played a news report where a reporter talks about his engagement and how they're going to probably be covering his divorce in 2 years. Howard said he didn't know he was a guy who was looked at as someone who will get married and divorced often. He doesn't think he's like that. He said that if Beth told him that he wanted a kid in 2 years, and they got divorced over that, then he will be looked at as a loser.
Artie said that Howard's first marriage lasted for 20 years and in show business that's like a lifetime. Howard said he's still looking at this relationship with Beth as dating. They're not married yet. He said he's told Beth she has to stay thin because he could still get out.
Howard said that he remembers Beth telling him years ago that she wouldn't mind being engaged forever. Then when he gave her the ring the other night, she went right into how she wanted to tell everyone they were getting married. He found that kind of shocking. Robin said she was looking in an etiquette book and found that an engagement is supposed to be just one year long. If you don't close that deal in a year, the engagement becomes a joke.
Artie said when Howard jokes about people's marriages and divorces, it's funny. When the guy in that news report joked about it, the joke was lame. Howard didn't think much of it and just gave him a ''whatever'' and moved on.
Howard said Lisa G got a hold of Beth yesterday and ended up drawing a picture of the ring she saw on Beth's finger. Everyone was laughing at the drawing. Howard said people told him she was carrying on about the ring and getting all excited about it. Artie said his mother and sister were asking about it and he didn't know what to tell them. He said that drawing it means that you're mentally ill.
Howard asked the guys if they watched American Idol last night. Artie didn't watch but Howard said he was up in the middle of the night watching it. He talked about the show and talked about some of the contestants. He said there was one black chick on there who was the size of a house. She can sing but he doesn't care because of the fat. He wondered how she ever got laid because he saw she had a kid. He didn't understand that at all and said that Fred is more feminine than that chick.
Artie said he was watching a special about this Billy Holiday and she can really sing. He said he saw her doing one song and he had to listen to it twice because it was so good. Fred played some of her stuff and Howard said it wasn't moving him at all. Artie said he'd love to hear that in a dark bar with a scotch in his hand.
Siobhan had asked Howard if he was going to have a Catholic wedding. Howard said it won't be but ended up talking about this Catholic channel they have there at SIRIUS and how they've asked him to make an appearance there. He wanted to tune in and listen to the channel for a couple of minutes but he was having trouble finding it on his computer. Scott the Engineer came in and tried to help but he wasn't able to find it either.
Howard eventually found the Catholic channel and listened to a guy talking about taking his wife out to see a movie last night. Artie asked if the guy had read the 11th commandment - Thou Shall not Bore. Howard told him he should run over there and burst into the studio and ask him if he's heard that commandment.
Howard let the channel play for a short time but moved on a short time later. He said he got a note from Barbara Walters congratulating him on his engagement. He also said that Barbara wants to have Beth on as a guest host sometime. He figures that Beth could show off her ring there if she wants. He said he was talking to his agent about the tons of people who have been trying to get interviews with him and Beth about the whole thing. Someone offered a bribe of $20 to get a comment about the whole thing.
Howard said he doesn't have any feelings like that about gay people. He and the guys talked about the homophobic stuff and how great the story is. Artie said he has zero hatred for anyone but he was watching TV last night and ran across the movie ''Object of my Affection'' and there was a gay kiss in the movie and he just went ''Ewww'' because it was gross to him. He said that might make him homophobic but he doesn't hate anyone.
Howard asked the guys if they were glad that Bill Cosby's dog didn't win the dog show. They were all glad about that. Howard said he saw Cosby speaking at Ed Bradley's funeral and he has such a command of the microphone. Then he hears all of these wild allegations about what he's done to women and other comedians and it blows him away.
Howard and Artie were talking about how awful they look when they get their pictures taken. Howard said when he gets his taken, there are more X'd out pictures than there are good ones. Artie said he has the same problem. Howard read some news articles about his engagement and cringed when he read some of the lines they quoted. In one article they called Howard a ''lesbian loving'' guy. Artie said that's not so bad because they called him a ''pancake gulping'' guy in one article about him.
Howard continued to read through the articles but Artie mentioned him having a kid. Howard said he's not going to do that. Artie wondered how fertile he is and if he's going to have an accident some day. Howard said he wears 3 condoms just to make sure that doesn't happen. He said even his father was saying that he's too old to have another kid.
Howard wondered what goes on at that school. Artie said he only went from March to June so it wasn't all that long. He said it was a great school but it doesn't last that long. Artie said he was convicted on the attempted bank robbery charge and that led to him getting two years probation so he went to this probation officer in Newark. They gave him community service so he had to clean up garbage for a while. His buddies would drive by and throw garbage at him that he had to pick up.
Artie said that the guys he was working with would boss him around and torture him. He said he had to do 25 hours of that. The first day he showed up for work the guys were all drunk because it was St. Patrick's day. The one guy was a black guy wearing a green hat and he was ossified drunk. Artie said there were other guys smoking weed and doing all kinds of stuff. He said they told him to go out and clean up this area and warned him not to get hit by a car because they'd get into trouble if that happened.
Artie said that there was a guy who had a speech impediment there and the guy was once trying to tell him it was time for breakfast but he said ''Arrea Brearfast'' which haunted him for years. After he served his 25 hours of service, he was told that he had to go do something to keep him out of trouble so that's when he signed up to do the Connecticut School of Broadcasting. His lawyer suggested that and it probably helped him out.
Artie said that was at the height of when he started to get into the Stern show. He said he and about 5 of his buddies were listening to the show like it was a religion. He was very influenced by Howard and he had to do a DJ thing there at school at the end of the class. Artie said he played a RUN DMC record and said that those were ''three Negroes that he'd like to meet.'' The professor told him he can't do stuff like that so Artie told him that Howard Stern does it and the professor told him that Howard wouldn't be around a year from then because he's no good. Little did he know...
Artie said the only job offer he had was out in Wyoming after getting out of school. Howard said he probably would have taken a job like that when he was first starting out.
Howard said he got a note from a guy who was doing a radio show and got into trouble for doing some stuff on the air that may have gone a little too far. The guy wanted him to call in and defend him. Howard said he's pretty sure the guy wouldn't appreciate what he'd tell him though. He said he wasn't able to just get on the air and get away with stuff immediately. This guy is in school and Howard thinks that he should play by the rules a little bit and not go so far so quick.
Artie said he thinks it would be funny to cover him at the speech he's making at that broadcasting school. Howard had a guy on the phone who said Artie should go hunting and talked about that a little bit. Artie said he thought about it and he really can't kill a deer so he's not going to do it. He said that he did have venison one time and liked it but he's not sure he wants to go out and kill a deer. He said he's sure he wouldn't be able to do it.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up a story about a guy in New York who won a lottery but he's dying of cancer. The guys knew the story so they quickly went through that and talked about how the guy needs all of his winnings right away to pay for his treatments.
Ralph called in and talked about the hunting thing a little bit. He said that people really don't need to hunt these days because you can go out and buy food anywhere. Gary came in and said that Will's family used to raise deer and he was telling him about the way they kill the deer and it was pretty disgusting. Will said they had about 500 deer at their place out in Pennsylvania. He said he never shot any of the deer himself because he wasn't that great a shot.
Will said that you have to shoot the deer and then cut their throats and let them bleed to death because that's what the law was. He said his father never really took any joy in doing that stuff. He said that they actually got off school for the first day of hunting season, that's how much they were into hunting back then.
Ralph also brought up another story they had talked about yesterday since he wasn't awake yesterday. He brought up the rape case they discussed and gave his thoughts on that. Howard said that the whole idea of the show is to call in while they're talking about it, not call in the next day. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that. Ralph wanted to talk about some of the stuff that went on last week as well.
Artie wanted to know what Ralph thought about Howard's engagement. Robin and Howard told him he called in yesterday and Artie didn't remember it. He may have been sleeping at the time because that's what seems to happen these days toward the end of the show.
Howard said that Artie isn't the only one falling asleep, Gary fell asleep in his car. He said he got caught in some traffic in the awful weather they had in the area. Gary said he was up on Rt. 287 in Westchester and there was an accident. Howard said Gary was exhausted and decided to take a nap while he waited for the traffic to clear. Howard said he could never relax like that when something like that is going on. Gary said he took a nap and figured that he'd just put his seat back and rest. He knew someone would honk to wake him up. He was right, someone honked and he got up and drove off when the traffic started moving.
Howard and Artie talked about how they have to take Ambien to sleep when they fly somewhere. Howard said that Gary can sleep anywhere. He flew with him one time and Gary fell asleep next to him on the flight. Then he wakes up and starts smacking his lips. He described the way Gary makes the noise when he wakes up and smacks those lips. He said Gary asked for some orange juice and smacks his lips some more. He got his juice, and went right back to sleep. He said you'd hear Gary smacking his lips during his sleep. Gary said that Howard has told this story many times and he knows there's no embellishment in them.
Artie said he once flew with Gary on a flight and they were going to bullshit on the plane. He said Gary passed out as soon as they got into the air and he had nothing to do but watch ''Under the Tuscan Sun.'' Gary said that he used to fly a lot and he had it planned out to take his Ambien as soon as he was served his food. He'd pass out about the time he was done with his food and then he'd wake up just as they were landing.
Howard said that he's been on some flights where he tries to sleep but they wake him up with announcements about what they're flying over. He said he'll take the Ambien to sleep and then they'll wake him up with that crap and he can't go back to sleep.
Ralph asked Gary about maybe staying awake on a flight like that. Gary said that if he didn't sleep on the plane, he'd be a mess because he'd be going to an appearance or something. Howard wanted to have Lisa G come in with her news preview so he called her in. He then wrapped up his flying story and how annoyed he always got when they'd wake him up like that.
Lisa described the ring and said that the center stone is 5.2 carats and it's surrounded by other diamonds with even more diamonds around that. She said there are some on the band of the ring and the clarity of them all was amazing. She told Howard he did so well with picking it all out. She said he's got great taste.
Howard said Lisa is beside herself with that whole thing. She said she wants to be the spokesperson for that ring. She's also talking about doing a special for Howard 101 called ''Pussy Exchange'' where she talks girl stuff. Artie said that would be a great chance for him to do anything else in the world that takes an hour.
Lisa said that Beth had some nice things to say yesterday about the ring and all of that. She said that her dreams have come true after getting the ring. Howard said they posted Lisa's drawing of the ring up on HowardStern.com if anyone wants to check that out today.
Lisa asked Howard if he has a date set yet. Howard said they don't have a date at this point. Lisa said she asked Beth about having kids and she said there will be no babies. Artie did his impression of Lisa asking Beth about having a baby and did this awful, annoying voice which was supposed to be her.
Lisa said that she was asking Beth about what she wants to be called when they get married. Howard said he heard that she's been going around telling people that she's going to be Mrs. Stern. Lisa said Beth is very happy to be an official member of the family. She said that it was a great day yesterday and she's really happy about everything.
Howard talked to Lisa about all of the therapy he's gone through in the past couple of years and how that's changed him. He said he's more awake than he was in the past. He said most of the people he knows are telling him he's making the right decision with this engagement. Robin said she was afraid he was going to find a Yoko Ono-type but he lucked out and found Beth. She did try to tell Howard that she was kind of crazy in the beginning. Howard said that if Robin did tell her that she was Yoko-like, he'd probably call off the engagement. He said that he has dated some crazy women before and he knows what that's like.
Howard took a call from Mutt from the Superfan Roundtable. He congratulated Howard on the engagement. He also talked about the bowl that Hulk Hogan had gotten for Bubba. Mutt said that they looked it up and that gift was the most expensive gift that Bubba got at his wedding. Howard found that hard to believe and said that he's not going to be able to do anything with that bowl. He said the guy probably wants to sock away some money for the kid's college education.
Howard and the guys talked about the bowl for a few minutes. Mutt thought it was a nice thought on Hogan's part but Howard said it really wasn't, it was just a bad gift. Howard asked Lisa if she had anything else to cover today. She said they'll have a look at the making of the music special that's running this weekend. Howard said Jon Hein did a phenomenal job with the special. Artie said he'll be listening on his ride down to Atlantic City this weekend.
Gary said that there are a lot of obscure songs in the special and a lot of them are done really well. He said that Kevin Cronin performing ''Keep on Loving You'' isn't something he'd think he'd want to hear but it was done really well. Howard had Fred play that so they could hear what Gary was talking about. Howard said the song really was great and he's glad he hung with it. Gary said there was a 3 or 4 year period where Howard was playing a drum machine though the songs. He also said that Howard used to yell through the songs to get the guys going.
Howard said he had to keep some guys going because they weren't used to playing acoustically. That's why he'd yell to keep them going. Howard said he doesn't want letters from people telling him he fucked up the songs by yelling. He knew what he was doing back then and that's how he kept the singers going. Howard had Fred play another song which was Graham Nash singing ''Right Between the Eyes.''
Howard said he really has to hear this music special. He was inspired to play the guitar so he asked the guys for one that he could play. Howard got a hold of a guitar and got some instruction from Fred on what to play. He tried playing the Kevin Cronin song but sang the lyrics to ''Right Between the Eyes.'' Fred helped him along but Howard bailed after a short time. They played some audio of Alice Cooper singing ''Eighteen'' where Howard is yelling along with him. Fred was playing guitar in that performance. Howard cut it off because he didn't want to hear himself yelling over the song. He wanted to explain why he was doing the yelling that day. He said that if he had an uncooperative singer, he'd do that to keep them going.
Jon Hein said that they have a little over 200 performances in this weekend's special. Howard played another example of what they had coming up in that special. They had a Green Day song that they decided to perform without warning them about the cursing. Gary said that they didn't tell them that they were going to sing that song. Gary said they started cursing like crazy and they were still at K-Rock so they all freaked out. Howard said he was livid that day. Howard said they were just being dicks that day. Gary said that they never had them on again. Howard thought they had but Gary insisted that it was their last appearance. Howard played the song and didn't hear the cursing. Gary told him to let it go on a little longer. Howard said that he was such a big supporter of that band and it really bummed him out when they did that to him.
Howard said he thought that he was friends with that band. Gary said they felt burned by them so they didn't have them in when they put out their last album which turned out to be a big hit. Howard continued playing that song where they started cursing. Gary said they had to know they couldn't curse but they went through with it and did it anyway. Howard said that maybe they weren't doing so well and that was a marketing man's ploy to get them in the paper. Gary said it was really weird that day with everyone complaining and yelling. Howard said he was getting mad just thinking about how much of a supporter he was. He realized he hasn't taken a break yet so he had to do that.
Keith Olbermann did a quick report about Howard's engagement announcement. Howard played that clip and a couple of others where they mentioned his engagement.
Howard mentioned that Riley Martin has a show on Tuesday night's as does Jackie the Joke Man. Howard had Riley on the phone. Riley congratulated him on the engagement and welcomed Beth into the Zone of Horror. He told her to leave the relationship as soon as she gets enough of a nest egg big enough to survive on.
Riley went off on Howard saying that he calls into this show often and he thinks that Howard is a horrible man. He complained about Howard not putting anything of his on Howard TV. He said he's paid a premium for that and he thinks that he should be on there. Howard asked him ''what the hell'' and argued with him for a short time. Riley tried to explain himself but no one understood what he was talking about. Robin figured he was high or something.
Riley went off on Robin and also brought Howard and his money into the whole argument. He seems to do that every time he calls in. Robin told Riley that they really don't think about him at all. Howard told Riley that he's the one who put him on the radio when no one else even cares about him. Howard said that the notion that he doesn't promote him is ridiculous. He put him on one of his channels, that's promotion enough. Riley seems to think that Howard should be promoting his show on the Howard Stern Show.
Howard said Riley's problem today is that he doesn't pick up every time he calls in. Riley said he only calls in once every couple of months. Howard said that maybe he'll call him when he wants to talk to him. Riley said he'd be waiting a long time for that to happen. He said he doesn't want to wait on hold for hours. Robin told him he doesn't have to stay on the phone, he can hang up. Howard said he doesn't have to call in, no one is asking him to do that.
Riley said that his show is one of the most popular shows on his channels but Howard said they have no way of knowing that. He told Riley that he keeps bringing up the money thing but he has nothing to do with how much he gets paid. He told him that if he really wants to get paid, he has to bring in the subscribers like Mel Karmazin was telling him. He said that Riley isn't bringing in any subscribers. Riley took offense to that and couldn't believe he was telling him such a thing.
Riley said he wants to see the numbers to find out if he has an effect on the number of subscribers. Howard asked him if he thinks that people are really singing up for his show. Riley does believe that is going on. Gary came in and said that he heard that Riley has articles on his wall at home showing how much money Howard makes and how much Martha Stewart makes. Riley said that he will do his show through March but then they must renegotiate. He figures that they don't want real talent there or they just don't know what they're doing.
Howard said he's heard through the grapevine that due to budget concerns, they're going to be cutting back on Riley's pay. Riley said that he won't be able to continue the show if that happens. Howard said that he's got Jackie the Joke Man and Mutt breathing down his neck now. He told Riley he was thinking of him and he may have to ask him to pay him for the time he does on the air there. Riley said that his voice will be heard and he will pick up all of the radios that people turn in when they take away his radio show.
Riley said that he's asking for some crumbs off their table of money and they can't even give him that. Howard told him to take his show and shop it to other radio stations. That's what he has to do if he wants to make some money. Riley said that they have a good product and they have to come up with some money to pay him. Howard said he likes his show but if he wants to get paid more, he's got to go out and shop it around to get people to offer him more money.
Ralph called in and told Riley that his show is a novelty show that no one is clamoring for. Riley went off on him cursing him out and calling him a stupid motherfucker. Ralph told him to try and make some money selling his symbols or something. Howard told him that maybe he should come up with a nice looking shirt or something like that. Riley got pissed at Howard an the guys because they threw out their symbols and didn't even try giving them back to him.
Howard told Riley that maybe he should come up with a nice t-shirt since the symbols aren't working out for him. Riley didn't want to hear it and goofed on Howard about how he's an ugly motherfucker. Ralph asked Riley about settling everything with Tim Sabean months ago. Riley was still upset about the whole thing and didn't seem to think he was getting paid enough even after that.
Riley said that if they don't come to an agreement in the middle of March, he will quit. Howard said that there are probably a million radio stations out there that would pay him big bucks to do the show he does. Riley said they will pay him a decent salary come March. If they do not, he will depart from them and take his show somewhere else. He said that he'll think about them once in a while and try not to puke.
Ralph said that Riley gets to do his show from his house and he's not sure what else he wants from them. Tim Sabean came in and asked Riley what the problem was. Riley said that he was supposed to get paid twice a month, now they're paying him once a month and not doing it right. Tim asked him if he's submitting his invoices. Howard wanted to defend him on that and wondered why he has to send in paperwork. Tim said that any vendor they work with has to send in an invoice. That's the way they work things.
Riley said that he thought he was going to get paid for when they did reruns and they had to do that this week due to the weather. Tim said he never talked about that stuff but they're not going to pay him for a rerun. Howard said that this must make Tim mental. Tim said he'll probably call him every day for weeks now. He said he gets calls like this back in his office and he could do a whole show based on that.
Howard told Riley that this show is really stressing him out and he really needs to go somewhere else. He used to be like a gentle hippy and now he's yelling and all stressed out. He put a phony Riley (audio clips of Riley) on the phone with the real Riley so the two of them could argue with each other. The real Riley was saying that he doesn't sound like some mud sucking Jew or a babbling bitch (Robin). Howard had the two of them talking to each other for a couple of minutes. The real Riley said that he will take his show somewhere else if he has to and he will be no poorer than he is now.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Riley is taking this a little far and he really has no right to do that. Howard let the two of them go at each other for a short time. Riley was goofing on her and talking about her past. Jessica was saying that Riley shouldn't be sitting there counting Howard's money. He's broken his ass over the years to get that kind of money. She also didn't like the way he was goofing on Robin. Riley continued goofing on her about what she did to get where she got to... by sucking Jim Baker's dick. He figured that Jimmy Swaggert must have looked her up as well.
Robin told Riley he should do a show like this and he might get somewhere. That alien stuff isn't going to get him anywhere. Howard had Crazy Alice on the phone so he let Jessica go. It was the guys in the back playing audio clips of Alice calling him names. Riley would only say that he likes her and doesn't have a problem with her. They played clips of Alice saying that she hates him but Riley must have known that it was just audio clips because he didn't fight back.
Riley said all Howard has to do is say ''pay the man'' and it'll be done. Howard said he's done that. He asked Tim what's really going to happen in March. Tim said he's going to stay at the same pay because they have to send an engineer out there to help him do his show. Riley asked them to take the shit out of his house and he'll be done with it. Artie said that he'd like to go out there and watch that. Howard suggested that they put him on once a month instead of once a week. Howard wrapped up with him and let him go saying that they'll hear him next Tuesday at Midnight on Howard 101. Riley said he'd be there but he would really like more money. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he got a lot of e-mail after Joan talked about the ashes the last time. She said she likes being able to look at her pets when she wants to. She keeps them all in a Louis Vatton bag in her closet. She said it's comforting to her and she knows it's stupid. She said it is good luck though. Robin said she's going to put her Vincent Price ashes near her cat's ashes in her house. Howard said he finds all of this very unsettling.
Joan said that she will be cremated when she passes away and she's going to have her ashes mixed in with her friend's ashes. That's what the whole idea was for keeping the ashes. She said she wakes up every morning and wonders if it's going to be her last.
Howard said Joan seems to be very young and she must do that by having all of these jobs she has and how she works like a Jamaican. They ended up getting into a discussion about Howard's engagement. Joan told him he needs a pre-nup but he already knew that. She said that he should be very generous to her with the pre-nup. Joan told him he should have gotten her a bigger diamond. He got her a 5.2 carat diamond and Joan thinks he should have gone with a 20 carat. Howard said Beth told him the ring was very flashy as it was so he didn't want to go too far.
Joan told Howard to just be happy and not worry about the ring. Howard said he is happy. Joan said that a really nice ring on a woman is like a man who buys a really nice car. She said that the ring also shows that the woman is great in bed.
Howard said that Joan was married twice and her first marriage was horrible. She was only married for seven months. She said he wanted to see her not too long ago and he refused to see him because it wasn't a pleasant marriage. She said she got out of college and married a rich guy and it turned out to be the wrong thing to do.
Howard asked Joan about her sex life and asked her about anal. She said that when she was young she didn't know much about sex because no one talked about that stuff back then. She said that she actually set her daughter up with a nice hotel room and filled her in on what to do because she figured it would be best to enjoy the first time.
Joan talked about how she got out of her first marriage and how her dad helped her move out. She said that she had a lot of great stuff back then and she's kind of pissed that her father didn't help her move that stuff out. She said that she and her husband had a terrible fight and that's when she left. She didn't see him again until they were in court. Howard said that guy must have kicked himself for blowing that whole thing. Joan said she once ran into his parents about 10 years later. They didn't talk to her so she told the owner of the club that she was upset by them and they ended up kicking them out of the hotel they were staying in. Howard said he would never have anyone kicked out of a hotel, even if they were his worst enemy. Joan said she didn't ask them to do it, they just did it without her knowledge.
Howard asked Joan about the Anna Nicole Smith death. Joan had a bunch of jokes about her that she could tell. She said she feels bad for the child. She also said that Anna had it all with the face and the body and she blew it all. Howard said that she was a troubled girl but Joan said that she should have gotten over herself. Howard also brought up how his name is kind of damaged by all of this because of that Howard K. Stern thing. Howard ended up talking about how that guy had only one client, Anna. He and Joan talked about him and compared Artie and Dana's relationship to it. Howard said that Artie is angry that Dana didn't stick with him a little longer so it's not clear what to do all the time. Joan was kind of siding with Dana in that whole thing and said that sometimes you just have to move on with your life.
Artie said he told Howard in private that he was kind of angry with Dana and now he's said it on the air. Howard said that he's said it to him a couple of times. Artie said he just brought it up last night. Robin was trying to talk to him but he was eating cookies and trying to talk to them.
Howard said that Joan is going to be covering the Academy Awards red carpet soon. Joan said that glamour seems to be back and people are dressing nice these days. She said that she thinks that Penelope Cruz and Jennifer Lopez always dress nice. She said that she thinks Jennifer looks great when she sees her in person. She's breathtaking according to Joan. Howard seemed to find that hard to believe.
Howard said that he thought he had a chance to bang Jennifer Lopez one time. He said she was going out with P. Diddy and he figured that he's not that great looking so maybe he'd have a chance. His buddy Booker was dating Jennifer's sister Lynda so he was going to have her hook him up with her. He said Booker called him one night and he was going to bring Jennifer and Lynda over to his apartment. It was getting late but he was going to stay up for that. He said he got all cleaned up and got dressed, but not too dressy. He was trying to look casual. He told Joan that this was around the time he was dating a lot of people. He said he stayed up late that night waiting for Booker to show up and he never did. He said he thinks that Booker didn't want him to have a chance with J-Lo because of jealousy.
Joan asked Howard about all of the women he dated and wondered if there is a difference in bed. Howard said that there are some women who can give a great blow job where he doesn't last for more than a second. He said that he's not even into blow jobs that much. He was also saying that there are some women who are so good in bed that he can't last at all no matter how many times he did them. He said that one woman even grabbed his penis and put it into her behind and it was really hot. He said he's not even into that but with that one woman it was hot. Joan said that she had a good time when she was having sex. She said that she's a lady until she's in the bedroom. Joan didn't want to get into details about that stuff because her daughter is listening this morning.
Joan said that her husband Edgar was one who gave her anal. She said it's never the guys you think it'll be who do that stuff. She didn't want to get into too many details about it though. Howard said he was amazed that she had ever done anal at all.
Ralph called in and said that Joan is losing credibility when she says that Penelope Cruz is hot. She said that she's seen her in person and she's stunning. Joan said that the camera loves some people while others look better in person. She said that Cameron Diaz is just an okay looking girl off camera but she looks amazing on camera. She said that Penelope is gorgeous in person.
Ralph asked Joan about Terri Hatcher and if she looks good now. Joan said she looks good and there is no such thing as ''too skinny.'' Howard said he's amazed that Joan never got breast implants. She said she really didn't need them because hers are so big.
Howard and the guys asked Joan about what comedians she likes. She said she thinks that Chris Rock is great. They asked her about Dane Cook and she said she doesn't find him funny at all. She was also talking about how Will Smith(corrected to Will Ferrall) and Carrie Underwood are not nice people. She said that Carrie may think that's the way she's supposed to act because her fame came on so quickly. Ralph asked her what Will Smith did to her. She didn't realize she had said Will Smith, she meant Will Ferrall. She said that he's so rude. Artie said he's worked with him on two films and he was really nice to him. Joan thinks that the bigger the star you are, the nicer you should be. She didn't like the way he treated her.
Howard gave Joan a plug for her red carpet coverage on the TV Guide channel. She said that they don't treat her any better over there than they did at E!. She said that she got nothing from them for Christmas. Howard thought that was kind of sad because she's so generous when it comes to that stuff.
Howard Asked Joan about her daughter and her husband. She went off on the guy her daughter married and said she knew things weren't going to work out for them because she never liked them. Howard wrapped up with her after that and gave her some more plugs for the red carpet thing and for some comedy shows she's doing at The Cutting Room. Artie and Robin are going to try and go see her there sometime. Artie told her that he went to school with a woman who designs jewelry for her. She knew just who he was talking about and said she loves her. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later and went to break.
Scott came in and said that no one had reminded him about the Mike Walker thing and he wasn't flirting with his intern. Howard said he's going to make sure he gets a male intern from now on. No more hot chicks. Howard apologized to Mike for that. Mike didn't seem to mind and went on to congratulate Howard on his engagement. Mike said that he remembers meeting Beth and how Howard had the look of love on his face when he saw him next to her.
Artie jokingly asked Mike how long he's had a beard... er, a wife. Howard said that Mike is not gay and wondered why he does that. Artie said he knows the guy isn't gay, he just does that to have some fun. Mike said that he has never been with a man and swore to god that he hadn't. Howard said he wouldn't be rushing down to the Hawaiian Tropic pageant if he was gay.
Howard had Mike get into his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard went with story 3 while Robin and Artie went with story 2 and Fred with number 4. The actual false story was number one.
Shuli said that they have a story about Sal trying to catch up to his partner Richard who has had a run of great phone calls lately. Some people think that he's trying too hard and doing calls that are too similar to Richard's. Howard played an example of one of Richard's great calls where he calls a pharmacy and plays a clip of a guy cumming really loud as his dry heaves from an illness he has.
Sal came in and told Howard that Richard was part of the train prank call that he was about to play. That call is one that Shuli mentioned as being a call that was too similar to Richard's. Howard played the call and Sal seemed to be a little upset that they were saying he was trying to out do Richard. Sal said Richard was in that bit and was edited out because it was the best edit. Shuli said that they've been getting a lot of mail about that subject but Fred said that he didn't get anything like that.
Shuli was also saying that Sal is also upset that Richard got a part in the next Harold and Kumar movie playing the part of a Clansman. Sal said he's really not upset about it but then said he was just to make everyone happy. Shuli asked Howard if he has an idea of who the lucky 20 people would be who get to go to his wedding. Howard said it won't be Sal. Howard then said that they're thinking of coming up with a contest where one lucky listener would win the chance to go to the bachelor party. Sal came up with that idea and said that they should have a contest where someone has to do something disgusting to get in. Doug Goodstein said that they should make Sal do something really disgusting to win that spot.
Howard talked to Sal about how upset he seems to be with the whole engagement thing. Sal said that a lot of the listeners think that he's being a hypocrite for getting engaged. He also said that things will change and Beth will eventually get her way and change things to get her way. Howard asked Sal why he's still married. Sal said that he still loves his wife and he doesn't hate her like people think. He said she doesn't give him that much sex but he still loves her. Howard asked him why he doesn't get out of the marriage if he's so miserable. Sal said he has problems communicating with her. He insists that he loves her but she won't kiss him, she won't have sex with him. Sal said that his clothes are clean, the house is clean and she takes care of his kids so those are a few things that he likes about her. Shuli said she looks at him like he's just another kid in the house. He's spoken to her back stage at comedy shows and she really thinks that he's gross but still loves him.
Howard told Sal to get out of the marriage if he's that miserable. Sal isn't going to do that though. Howard asked him what his perfect life would be. Sal said he sees women out with their guys at comedy shows and it's nice to see women supporting their men. He would like a little more respect when he walks through his own house. He said he's told to take his shoes off as soon as he walks in. Then he's told to help his son with his homework. Shuli added that she asks him to ''remove the KISS makeup off his cock.''
Gary said he's heard his wife scolding Sal about using language in front of the kids. He said that when she does that in front of the kids, it's kind of rough, so he's not sure what side to take in that whole thing. Howard told Sal that his wife is never going to rub his shoulders at a comedy show like he'd like her to do. The guys were all piling on top of Sal telling him that he's really a fuck-up and/or a loser.
Sal told Howard to play the audio clip he had of his wife yelling at him at Christmas time when they were taking a family picture. He was showing their dog's ass in the picture and she screamed at him about that. She was going on and on about what was going on there and screaming at Sal for not posing right. Sal was asked to do something and he used the excuse of not being able to do it because he was holding the baby. She went off on him and said that she could use that excuse and say that she can't do the laundry because she's holding the baby, she can't pay the mortgage because she's holding the baby...
Doug Goodstein came in and told Sal to tell the story about what happened to him down in Tampa. Sal said that she makes him stop his load inside his foreskin when they have sex. Sal said that he pulls out, cups the load in there and dumps it in the bathroom. He said that when they were down in Tampa, he asked her to finish him off with her hand so she went ahead and did that but she fell asleep with his dick in her hand. Sal said that maybe Howard should think about this engagement thing.
Howard said that story about Sal cumming into his pouch is pretty rough. He said if a woman falls asleep jerking him off, the relationship would be over. Doug said Sal seems to know what would make the perfect relationship but he can't fix it.
Shuli wrapped up his Howard 100 News preview so Howard was going to move on but Doug Goodstein told him that Benjy was out in the hall tickling people and managed to get Artie to laugh. He wanted Howard to see the video but Howard didn't sound so interested. He ended up watching it anyway. Artie said that Benjy told him he's a great tickler but he didn't think he'd be able to tickle him. He just stood there and Benjy was able to do it. He said he does tickle good.
Jon Hein got to his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the things that they'll be covering today. They'll be talking about the aftermath of Howard's engagement, Riley Martin's phone call and Sal's miserable marriage. Howard asked Jon if he's happily married. Jon said he thinks he is.
Howard had Mutt from Superfan Roundtable on the phone to give his show rundown. Mutt figures they'll be spending a lot of time on the engagement thing. They're going to try and talk about some other stuff but they may run out of time. Howard let him go and told everyone to check that show out. It airs tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm.
Artie said he had a picture of the chick who blew him. He handed it over to Howard but the chick was way too hot for him. Artie said that was actually the hot chick he picked out of the audience. He said he did have a picture of her somewhere and she looks like Nicole Eggert. Howard said she probably looks like Nicole Bass. He looked for the picture but wasn't able to find it. Howard said that other chick was amazingly hot though. Artie said he's going to frame that picture of him with her because that's how hot she was.
Howard was given a clip from Rush Limbaugh's show where he was talking about Barack Obama and saying that the guy says he didn't make himself black and he didn't choose to be black... So maybe he should denounce it. Howard said that you can't be that much of a blubbering idiot and expect people to take him seriously. Scott DePace, Rush defender, came in and told Howard that he doesn't even know what Rush is talking about there. Howard said that Rush seemed to be saying that since Barack is a mix of white and black, and he doesn't want to be known as being black, he should just say he's white. Howard said he can't believe that he's arguing with a guy who calls himself DukerDog (on Xbox Live). Scott said he got about 85 new friends after mentioning that on the air the other day.
Robin got back to her news and a short time later the guys ended up talking about how much they dislike Sharon Stone. Howard said she was good in some movies but she just rubs him the wrong way. He said she seems to be a very bitter woman to him.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show saying they had a jam packed show coming up. He said they have a woman coming in to show them her new breast implants. She'll be playing Turkish Millionaire. They also have Crazy Alice coming in with Hank the Dwarf. Courtney Love will also be stopping in and Jon Stewart will be calling in. He said he was going to take a break after that.
Howard had mentioned the name of the Woody's biological kid Shamus who has turned out to be a genius from what he's read. The kid is 11 years old and entering college already. Howard said that's not genius like he's genius. He said he went to retard classes when he was in school so this 11 year old is already going to college so he's got to be a lot smarter than he ever was.
Howard read the article about the kid and kept screwing up the pronunciation of his name. Robin corrected him a couple of times but Howard kept screwing it up anyway. He said Fred pointed out to him that it's going to be a lonely life for that kid because he won't have anyone to talk to in school. Howard said he'd still love to have that kind of brain power. He said he'd take that right now if he could.
Howard continued to read the article and said it's probably driving Woody crazy knowing that the kid turned out to be so smart. He read that Woody didn't even know the kid was going to college at 11. The article describes the kid's learning and how he knew the theory of black holes when he was 5 years old. Howard said he'd love to interview that kid. He said he met the kid when he was filming his movie ''Private Parts'' because Mia Farrow brought him with her to the set.
Howard said they give out the kid's information in the article saying where he goes to school and the type of car he arrives in. He said that's kind of wrong and didn't give the information out on the air. He read more stuff about the kid and how he still has some child-like actions like running to see a dog in the front seat of the mini-van that picked him up from school.
Howard said there was another story in the paper about a 9 year old boy down in Memphis who lived with his mother's corpse for over 30 days. The kid was so nervous that he was going to be put in a foster home that he just covered up his dead mother with paper. He fixed his own meals and went to school every day for over a month. He went through his life as if nothing had happened. When he ran out of money he went to the store to shop and even signed his mother's name to a report card. The death was discovered when someone came looking for his mother.
The kid ran to his mother when the ambulance came to take her away because he didn't want her to go. Howard said that shows that the kid was ready to live on his own. The people interviewed said the kid was very well adjusted and he kept up his grades and stuff in school. He was turned over to his maternal grandparents. Someone said that it was amazing the kid lasted that long in the house with the awful smell of the rotting body.
Howard said he read a story about President Clinton who was asked how he feels that his wife is going to be living in New York. He read that Clinton is going to try and cope with that. Howard said everyone knows that the two of them aren't enjoying each other sexually. He figured that Clinton will spend some time with his wife, maybe once a month. He did his impression of Clinton and goofed on him about the article.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she loves him. She said she has a brother-in-law who looks kind of like Howard so she's getting attracted to him. She said he's an uglier version of Howard though. Howard asked her how tall she is. She's only 5'2'' tall but she wants to come in to meet him. She said she could burp but when asked to do it, she said it was too early.
Howard had the David Letterman impersonator on the phone. He wanted to talk to him about that great performance he had done yesterday. Howard thought his impression was pretty amazing and sounded a lot like the real Dave. He asked him to go to an evil place with his Letterman impression but the guy wouldn't do it. It was like he was protecting the real Dave. He told the guy he's going to call him in a few days and he'll have a scathing script for him to read. David Letterman Jr. Had some jokes to read but after one lame one, Howard let him go.
Howard took over the story from Gange and said Hank was at a party last night and ended up passing out in the corner. The people running the party had hired Hank to work the party and he ended up falling asleep. Jackie said he looks like a puppet after the puppet master puts the strings down. Howard said that's what Hank does though so they shouldn't have expected more from the guy. Mike said Hank had two beers in his hands the whole night.
Beetlejuice was also there at the party. Mike said it was really weird to see him sitting in a corner smoking a cigarette and bopping to the music that was playing.
A woman called in and told Howard she would like to get spanked. Howard asked her if she's hot. She paused for a second and said ''Uh...'' Howard said he really doesn't want to spank anyone who is a mess. The woman said she's 5'7'' tall and weighs 130 pounds. She's muscular though and claims she's a personal trainer.
Howard told Gary to book this woman to come in and get spanked. He told her that if she was there today, he would have had Hank spank her. He was wondering if he could bounce a quarter off her ass. She said he could try but she wasn't sure what would happen. He told her to come down tomorrow and he'll do that. He asked her what she wanted to be spanked to. She said that anything by Nine Inch Nails would be good. Howard seemed to like that and spent a couple more minutes talking to her.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard if he had seen the ''Billboard crap'' last night. Howard didn't really know what he was talking about so he hung up on him. The guy was talking about the Billboard Awards so they spent a short time on that subject.
Howard took another call from a guy who was having problems speaking, kind of like Mike Gange, so Howard asked if it was Gange calling in from the other room. The caller had asked why there are no blacks on the Who Wants to be a Millionaire show with Regis. Howard said he's not sure. The caller said that they apparently can't pass the screening test. Now the NAACP is looking into the whole thing to see why there aren't any black people on the show.
Howard talked about some game shows that are trying to have the success of Millionaire. He came up with some of his own ideas for game shows and had some fun with that for a few minutes. He was doing his black voice and coming up with a really racist show. He had to go to break after that.
Stuttering John came in and said that he has some fistulas and the doctors weren't able to find where they went to. The doctors opted to wait to operate on him. Howard still had no idea what he was talking about. He brought up Amy Lynn who was there and said that she's looking really good. John said he thinks she looks better than ever.
John said he went out to the ''Man on the Moon'' movie premiere and got a few interviews. Howard played the tape of him interviewing Michael Stipe from the band R.E.M. John asked them what Andy Kauffman meant to him. Stipe said he was a big influence on him. He ran off when John asked him why all of their songs sound the same.
John interviewed Molly Shannon from Saturday Night Live. Howard explained who she is and said she's a big fan of the show. She ran over to John when she saw him and said she loves Howard Stern. John tried asking her some questions but she was going on and on about how much she loves the show. John asked her how often she masturbates and if she still smokes weed. She ran off after the weed question without an answer.
Howard said John attempted to interview Al Roker but Al didn't talk to him. John threw out a question but Al walked right past him. Courtney Love was there so she went up to John and knew he was from Howard Stern. She was asking for some help to find a bass player for the band. She said no one can play and she wondered why that was. Howard said she seems to be playing dumb in that interview because he's spoken to her off the air. He said she is kind of ''out there'' but she's not as hyper as she is in that interview.
Stuttering John asked Courtney some sex questions and that seemed to calm her down. She didn't avoid any questions that he asked. Howard moved on to the interview John did with Danny Devito. The questions were mostly about his height. Danny stuck with him through a bunch of questions so Howard wondered if he hates being reminded about his height. He said it's kind of amazing that Danny was able to pull off his acting career being that height. The guy is an amazing man according to Howard. Howard played more of the Danny interview and he stuck with John even after a bunch of those height questions. John asked for a hug from him and asked Danny what he thinks of Howard Stern. Danny said he loves the guy and gave John a hug.
Howard said that was it for John's interviews. Doug Goodstein came in and said that John's nose was running that night and he got his snot on some celebrities. John said that he gave a kiss to Janeane Garofalo and he could feel the snot leaving his face onto hers. Howard wondered where that interview was and found it a few seconds later. He played the interview and Janeane stuck with him through a couple of questions but nothing all that spectacular.
Howard asked to see her boobies. He said they were very big and it kind of reminded him of a Macy's Day Parade. He asked her if she was ready to play this Turkish Millionaire game with them today. She didn't know what it was or how much a million Turkish dollars was worth. Howard wouldn't tell her either. Howard spent a little time talking to Kim about how she makes love to her sister and stuff like that. She has a son and said that he laughs everything off when he hears about it so it's not a big deal. Howard heard that her son has been staring at her boobs a lot lately. She said he does because he's not used to seeing her with such big boobs.
Howard moved on to the game and asked her the following questions...
Howard had Dr. Calabro on the phone so he spent a short time talking to him about the giant implants he gave to Kim. He told Dr. Calabro that he should have kept going with the fat removal in her ass. Dr. Calabro said that she gave him a chair dance as a thank-you after the surgery. He said that was great. Howard wondered what kind of clinic he's running over there. Dr. Sal said he had that done in front of the whole staff. Howard said it's like the Boom Boom Room over there at Dr. Sal's. He asked Kim if she sucked anything out of Dr. Calabro since he had sucked the fat out of her. She said she didn't do that. Dr. Calabro said he sucked over a gallon of fat from her. Howard was going to give Kim another chance but he had to move on to Amy Lynn.
Amy said that she's known Howard for 12 years and she's still in love with him. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. He doesn't think she could have any love for him. She insists she does though. She's giving up on trying to get him though. Howard told her that he would demand anal from her on the first date if they went out. He was making a reference to a Frank Gifford tape where he asked for anal. Amy said that she likes anal but she would need him to take care of the front as well. She couldn't believe she was admitting to that on the air.
Amy showed Howard her body and told him that she weighs 114 pounds. She said she's feeling really good about her body and it's time for her to go on the internet. Howard checked out her stomach and said that was perfect as well. Amy said she's been working out a lot so that's why she's looking the way she does. Amy changed subjects and asked Howard what he's going to be doing for the Millennium because she's going to be out partying. Howard told Amy that she would never be happy with him because he's such a bore and a stick in the mud. He also said he'd like his stick in her mud.
Howard asked Amy to come over and sit on his lap for a little while. She went over and Howard said that you really have to give a woman like this a test drive. He said she's nice and light, just the way he likes it. He asked Robin how they look as a couple. Robin said they look great. Amy said she wants to go out to eat with him today. Howard said he has the kids today so he can't go today. He told her that he's very lonely these days.
Howard asked Amy for a kiss goodbye. She gave that to him and he kind of pulled away according to Robin. She thought it was funny that he pulled away the way he did. Amy gave Howard a personal password to get into her web site before she got up. Howard did something with her as he was going to break but didn't say what it was.
Alice asked Howard why he calls her crazy because she's just a woman who speaks her mind. Howard reminded everyone about how she got on the show when she used to call in and tell them about how she dislikes other black people. Robin said something to her at one point and Alice got up to confront her. Howard told her this wasn't the Jerry Springer show though so she had to sit down.
Alice was saying that she chooses to date white men and Robin seems to have a problem with that. Robin said she just mentioned it, she wasn't saying there was anything wrong with that. Alice was complaining about Howard making fun of her when she told him that her sister had died. She didn't appreciate that. Howard asked her if she's still in a black neighborhood. She said that she's in a mixed neighborhood. She said she'd never live in a black neighborhood.
Howard told Alice she was looking beautiful and normal today. She said Howard is looking good too. Howard said she looks kind of like him actually. She seemed to be amused by that. Alice told Howard she took a cab in this morning and the driver told her that she didn't look black to him. She said he was probably Iranian or something and he didn't think she looked black.
Alice talked about how she's had problems with people from her race. She's been robbed and stuff like that. She corrected Howard about her race though, she said she's only half black. She also talked about how she went out and got herself a gun to protect herself.
Benjy came in and said that Alice kind of came on to him. He said he pictured her differently and expected her to be darker skinned with different hair. He finds her attractive and would like to go out on a date with her. Howard said he never would have expected this. Benjy went over and gave Alice a little kiss. He went right in and started making out with her even after she said she just wanted a little kiss. Howard told him to put his pants back on and said he was completely aroused over there.
Howard said that Alice's make up was all over Benjy's face. Alice got upset because she had herself all made up. Howard told her she looked fine but she wanted to look really good for Howard. She got distracted by the OJ Simpson mask they have in the studio. She said she hates that guy. Then she took a whack at Benjy for messing up her make-up. She just wanted a quick peck on the cheek, she didn't want all of that stuff. Howard said he never would have expected the two of them to hook up like that. Alice asked Howard to go to commercial break so she could fix herself but Howard told her to stop being vain and put down the mirror. She was upset that she spent so much time on the make-up and now it was screwed up.
Howard wanted to bring in Hank the Dwarf because Alice had something to say to him. Alice said she really doesn't dislike him at all. Howard said Hank had done an appearance last night and passed out in the middle of it. Howard said Hank was so tanked this morning he couldn't even figure out how to put the headphones on. The guys had to lift him up to the couch because he couldn't reach it himself.
Alice said she feels sorry for Hank because she's an alcoholic and that's what killed her mother. She said that Hank is like the cutest little thing she's ever seen on the show. KC came in and said that Alice told him that Hank was a disgrace because he reminded her of her mother. She said she never told him he was a disgrace. Howard asked Alice to tell Hank that drinking is bad for him. She wouldn't do that because he is a grown man after all.
Alice said that she's only banged one man in her whole life. She said it was that gorilla she was with. Howard asked her if she would give oral to a guy. She said that she finds it disgusting and that it's the lowest thing a woman can do. She said she's never been in love either. Howard figures she doesn't have any sex drive at all. She said she believes in having sex after marriage so she's kind of old fashioned.
Alice said she's not looking for a man at this point because she has so many irons in the fire at this point. She said she has a lot of financial pressure and depression. Howard noticed that Hank was about to pass out so he asked him if he was okay. Hank told Howard things are fine for him. He claims he's even getting laid. Robin laughed and asked who's sleeping with Hank. Hank said he gets short girls who aren't dwarves. He said they're around 5 feet or so.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he couldn't understand a word Alice was saying. That led to Alice going crazy and yelling at Howard for putting guys like that on with her. Alice gave him an ''Ariva Derci asshole!'' as he was getting off the line. Howard took some more calls and let a few more callers get Alice irritated. She was yelling at them and trying to hold back on the language. She would yell over the callers and tell them where to go. She flipped out on one guy and screamed at him for a couple of minutes. The caller wasn't having much luck getting his thoughts out because Alice wouldn't stop yelling. Howard told Alice that she argues well and he imagines that she does this every day. She said that is the way it goes and she does argue with people all the time.
Howard took some more phone calls for Hank and Alice. He said he had to move on to Courtney Love soon. Hank asked if he could stick around to meet her. Howard told him he could do her if he wanted. Some more callers goofed on Alice so she went off on them like she did earlier with the other callers. Howard said it's like one of those Three Stooges episodes where someone goes off when someone says a certain word. She was flipping out on the callers who were calling in.
Another caller told Alice that she sounds really black. She said that she is black, half black, and never denied that. She let out the S-word at one time and apologized for saying that. She said that men don't mean shit to her. Howard took a few more calls and let people get Alice pissed at them. He wrapped up the interview a short time later. He said he'd love it if Alice lived there in New York so they could have her on the show more often.
Howard asked Alice if she needed any plugs or anything. She said she was just there to see them today and didn't need anything. Howard told her to come by anytime she wants to. Howard said that after the break they'll be talking to Courtney Love. Hank asked to stick around for that so Howard asked him if he'd be able to sit there quietly. Hank said he just wants to meet her.
Howard took one more call for Alice thinking he was going to say something nice to her. She ended up yelling at the guy and calling him the N-word so Howard cut her off and went right to commercial.
Courtney was smoking when she came in so Howard told her she was killing him. She said she wouldn't smoke for long. Howard told her that her boobs looked nice and so did her body. Samantha is a big fan of the show so Courtney said this was a big moment for her. Sam said she said she would never go on the show but she couldn't refuse the offer when Courtney told her about it. Courtney used to avoid the show too because she thought it was sexist but now she just does it.
Courtney said that Sam played drums on Pamela Anderson's show. She got to meet Tommy Lee who told her that she's one of the greatest drummers he's ever heard. Howard asked Courtney about her bass player leaving to go play for the Smashing Pumpkins. She said that's true but she's not upset about it at all. She also said that she likes Billy Corgan but he doesn't like her. She said they're looking for a bass player to play for them but they're not having much luck so far.
Howard talked to Courtney about this movie she's going to be producing. She said that she'll be working with Betty Thomas on that. Howard talked to Courtney about working with Jim Carrey on the ''Man on the Moon' movie. She said she was really attracted to Jim while they were filming that movie. She said she'd like to be able to direct movies some day.
Courtney was saying that she wanted to slam someone. She said that Dave Grohl appears on Howard's show and he always slags her when he's on. She said that Dave knows perfectly well who wrote what in her band and he makes it seem like Kurt Cobain wrote her stuff when that's not true. She then sang a song about Dave and told Howard that Kurt hated Dave. She said that hate didn't happen in the first year they were working together, it was after that. She said Dave was funny and he ended up turning his back on Kurt when their fame hit.
Courtney said that Dave wrote another song about her called ''Stacked Actor'' and she's not sure why he continues to write songs about her like that. She doesn't even know what it's all about. Howard checked out Courtney's body and said that he might be attracted to her. Howard wondered if she's gentle in bed. He's pretty sure he wouldn't be able to handle her though.
Courtney asked Howard if he thinks that people like the Foo Fighters just because Dave was in Nirvana. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all. He told her that he likes their music a lot. He also likes Courtney's music and played some of the Hole album.
Howard asked Courtney about how she knew that Kurt disliked Dave Grohl so much. Courtney said that Kurt felt like he had betrayed them in some way. They used to talk about how Dave was like a popular guy in school and when the band exploded, he was enjoying the success while she and Kurt had drug problems. It was like Dave was avoiding Kurt when he was having his drug problems. Samantha told Courtney that maybe she shouldn't talk about this stuff. Courtney thought she was right and decided to stop before she hurt anyone else.
Courtney wanted to talk about her daughter Francis and wanted to show a picture of her to Howard. Howard got a hold of the picture and said she looks like Courtney. Courtney said she looks more like Kurt. Howard moved on after that and asked Courtney about this movie she's in because he's heard it's very much like ''Private Parts.'' She said it is kind of like that. She plays the part of Andy Kauffman's girlfriend in the movie and she really enjoyed doing it because she doesn't get killed off. She said that Milosh Forman really likes Howard and also likes Garth Brooks of all people. Howard and Robin were shocked when they heard her mention that name.
Howard saw that there was an article about Courtney to read. He saw there was a picture but didn't recognize her in it. He said she looked great in the picture. Courtney said she hasn't had any surgery but Howard said there has to be something going on there. He read through the article and then asked Courtney what kind of money she's worth. Courtney didn't want to go there and asked Howard what he's worth. Howard told her that he's worth a lot less than he used to be (thanks to his divorce).
Howard took some more phone calls for Courtney and let a few people talk to her. One guy said that the only reason Hole is popular is because of Nirvana. Courtney said her band was popular before Nirvana even hit big so the guy has no idea what he's talking about. The guy said she has to be lying about the Dave Grohl being hated by Kurt story as well. Courtney said she had a journal entry that Kurt wrote about feeling betrayed by his drummer that she could show him. The caller said that his sister would freak if she knew that he was talking to Courtney because she's a huge fan.
Courtney said that she's fine with people who like the Foo Fighters but maybe Dave should get another subject to write about and leave her out of the songs. Howard was trying to help Courtney out with a new bass player by suggesting the bass player who played with David Bowie at his birthday show. He played the song for her so she could hear the bass playing. She said the song was really good. She listened in for a short time. Howard said that chick might be willing to leave Bowie's band if they could offer her more. Howard also played Bowie's ''Fame'' performance from that same show. Howard pointed out that the bass player was singing during that performance as well.
Courtney asked Samantha to tell some stories about going to school with Sara Michelle Gellar. Sam said she spoke to Sara and she had to leave the school because she was always getting beat up. Howard knows what that's like. Courtney changed subjects again and wanted to straighten out a feud that she's supposed to be having with the band KoRn. She said that she actually got mad at their management for taking the little girls from the audience and doing weird stuff with them. She said she loves the band but she had a problem with the management.
Courtney was also talking about the way they quit the Marilyn Manson tour because it was such a disaster. She was also talking about some other stuff that's gone on in her career. She said she had been offered a movie one time and just watched that movie the other night. She didn't want to say what part it was because it wasn't fair to the actress who took the part.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she had the name and number for that bass player from Bowie's band. Howard put her on hold and told Courtney that takes care of that problem. Robin said she was listening to the Will Pendarvis show the other night and he was telling a story about Courtney showing her boobs during a video shoot. That led to Howard asking her to show her boobs to him. She wasn't going to do that. She told him they'll be displayed in this new video she shot. Howard played some of that song which was called ''Be A Man.'' Courtney wanted to hear it loud so she asked Howard to turn it up for her. She had control of the volume so he couldn't do anything with it.
Howard kept interrupting the song but he'd go right back into it. He told Samantha he likes a woman who can drum too. He kept asking Courtney to show her boobs but she kept refusing. KC came in and told a story about Courtney grabbing his fingers and sucking on them one time when he went to see them play in Louisville. Courtney said that was probably one of the best shows they ever played too.
Courtney told Howard and Robin about why she ended up topless in the video for that song. She said it was raining in the video and she was kind of pushing the video a little further than a Madonna video. She said that they're going to cut that into the video. Robin said they make her seem crazy when they talk about that incident but it was apparently planned.
Howard wrapped up with Courtney and ended up talking about Jim Carrey for a couple of minutes. They talked about Jim buying his own jet. Howard asked Courtney one last time if she wanted to show her chest. She didn't do it so Howard went to commercial break.
Howard said he heard some disturbing news about Jon... That he's getting married. Jon laughed an said that's true. He joked that she just turned 17 so she's not too young for him. He said he wasn't sure if she was Jewish or not. Howard wondered why he got engaged. Jon said they got engaged back in March and they're getting married pretty soon. He isn't doing the pre-nuptial thing with her either. Howard said that will be great when they split and everything goes out the window. Howard heard that Jon had her fill out a fake crossword puzzle to ask her to marry him. Jon said that they do sit and do crossword puzzles so he met a guy who does them for the NY Times and one of them was the one where he asked her to ''Please marry me'' and her name was in there.
Jon said it was a regular puzzle but two of the lines were the ones about marrying him. Robin told him that's the kind of stuff they save for when he gets divorced. Howard asked him to tell him that stock line ''I'm done having fun...'' Jon said he thinks he's done doing certain things and he's ready to get married.
Howard asked Jon to make him a crossword puzzle that says his wife stole the essence of his life. He threw in some other lines about how this has ruined his life and stuff like that. He told Jon that he's going to give up all of these women that are going to come on to him. Robin said that means he's going to dedicate his life to his career and he's going to be bigger than ever.
Jon said he's very glad he took this gig on ''The Daily Show'' and things are working out very well so far. He said he's on a roll at this point. He also told Howard that his fiancé is very cute but he's afraid to bring her on the show. Howard asked him if she likes anal. He said she will do it but very unwillingly. She covers her ears and goes ''Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.'' He said he's actually not a fan of that so he doesn't go there.
Howard told Jon he should come into the studio sometime. Jon said he wanted to come in next week but they're supposed to be on vacation or something. Howard told him to come in anytime then.
Howard and Courtney talked about Andy working on Taxi and how the cast of the show really disliked him back then. Courtney said that Jim really did a good job playing the part in the movie. Courtney told story after story about Jim getting way into the parts he was playing in the movie. She said that he would actually rub limburger cheese on himself to get into one of the characters.
Howard said that he wants to go see this movie and maybe he and Robin could go to a screening. He told Courtney that she did a good job promoting the movie. He felt like she was feeling something for him. He said he didn't want to play games with her. He asked her if she really wanted him to call her. She told him she really does. She said she'd like him to call her and ask her what she's wearing. Howard wondered who gets her bedroom number since that's not the one he got. She said she doesn't give that number to many people. She said that only about 7 people have it. Courtney said he had to earn that number from her. She hasn't even spoken to him off the air yet.
Howard said he'll try to find Courtney someone intelligent to talk to off the air. He said his penis went soft thinking about having an intelligent conversation with her. Courtney flashed Howard at one point and didn't realize that the E! cameras were in the studio. She wasn't thinking and claimed she really didn't know they were in there. Robin told her there were cameras all over the place in there. Courtney asked Howard not to show it on his TV show. Howard said they're going to open the show with that flash. She begged them not to show it on TV.
The E! crew showed the guys the video of her flashing as Courtney was about to leave. She was shocked that they had caught it and were showing it. Courtney said she can't believe she actually did that on his show. She said that Howard is going to hell for getting her to do something like that. She said it sucks so bad, it just ruined her life. Howard asked for a kiss goodbye before she left. He told her that the flash would help sell the movie.
Courtney was all upset that she had just showed her tits on the air. Howard asked her for a hug before she left so she went over and gave him one. He told her she looks good and her ass looked great. She ran out a short time later. Howard said she did a good job promoting the movie and he really likes her. He knew that she was giving him her number and he thinks that she wants it from him. He's not looking to seduce her but he may call her tomorrow morning and ask her what she's wearing.
Howard asked Fred why he thinks she gave him her number. He seemed to think she was coming on to him but Robin said she doesn't think that's the case at all. Howard said he has a bunch of women he thinks are coming on to him but none of them are giving him anything.
Howard had Robin get into her news. She figured they had run out of time but she was going to run through a bunch of stuff quickly. Howard and the guys had some fun goofing around with the stories that Robin was going through. Howard played some Hole music at the end of the show and ended it around 9:40am (Master Tape Theatre Time).