| Monday | Tuesday |
|
|
| Wednesday | Thursday |
|
|
| Friday | |
|
Howard started off the show complaining about Gary yelling something and running out of the studio. He said that he yelled something and walked out. He wondered where Robin wanted to start this morning and figured it would be Anna Nicole Smith. Howard said he's pissed that Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole's boyfriend, is in the news because some people do get confused. He said that some reporters are calling him just Howard Stern and leaving out the K now.
Robin said that it was like all of a sudden they started dropping the K and she almost crashed her car when she heard that. Howard said that Howard is a tough name to go through life with. He said Dee Snider once told him he kind of made that name cool but now this guy Howard K. Stern is fucking up his brand. He said he turned to Beth the other day and said that if that was one of his competitors who had their name out there like that, he'd be kind of pissed. He also said he was thinking of changing his name to ''The Howard'' like Donald Trump is called ''The Donald.'' He also thought about changing it to Howard A. Stern but that would mean he'd be responding to Howard K. Stern.
Artie said there's a great storyline in the movie ''Office Space'' where there's a character by the name of Michael Bolton who refuses to change his name because he thinks that the singer Michael Bolton should be the one to change his name since he sucks.
Howard said there must be a lot of fans out there who haven't signed up for SIRIUS yet that are wondering about what he thinks of Howard K. Stern. After that he read an Australian newspaper where they report that it's the controversial radio show host, Howard Stern, how has been fighting over Anna's baby with Larry Birkhead. Howard also got a letter from a woman who was sending her condolences about the loss of Anna Nicole. The woman's writing was kind of poor but she was from Denmark. She also thinks that he was dating Anna Nicole. Howard said he just wants this resolved and out of the news.
Robin said that Howard should have a press conference today where he was going to announce that he's now just ''The Howard'' and no longer Howard Stern. He told Gary to get that together today so he can actually do that. Howard wants him to set up someone who can do an international report to make sure the word gets out everywhere.
Artie said he knew guys who swore that the H. Stern store in New York City was related to Howard in some way. Howard gave a yawn and asked if anyone else was as tired as him. Artie said he was pretty tired after doing a show on Saturday. He slept until 2 in the afternoon yesterday.
Howard mentioned that the Howard TV guys are putting together an Anna Nicole retrospective for Howard TV tonight. Gary said he hopes they show the first show she was ever on with them because she was a mess back then. Gary mentioned that they have some audio clips of Anna Nicole up on Howard's computer if he wanted to play those. The guys talked about what some people have been saying about Anna being a great mother now that she's dead. Howard said no one knows that she was a great mother.
Gary said he heard from one of the guys in the parking garage that the son was actually the father of his mother's baby and that's why he killed himself. The guys talked about some other crazy stuff that went on in Anna Nicole's life before Howard got to some audio clips.
The first audio clip Howard played was Chyna Doll on Larry King talking about how upset she was about the whole thing. Chyna said she saw the whole thing coming. She went on to tell Larry some stories about Anna Nicole while the guys goofed on her comments. They said that she must have been on top of Looney Mountain when she ''saw it coming'' with Anna Nicole. Larry also spoke to the wife of the CEO from Trim Spa and she said that she didn't think Chyna was right at all about seeing it coming. That woman said that Anna Nicole told her she wasn't friends with Chyna at all. Howard said it sounds like her appearance kind of backfired on her.
Gary said that this is some tribute to Anna Nicole, Larry talks to Chyna Doll and the wife of the CEO of Trim Spa. The wife goes on to tell Larry that she had so many fans and had a lot of love and hate relationships. Chyna says that her comments made her very angry but Larry cut her off and went to commercial break.
Gary said he heard that Howard K. Stern was away from the baby down in The Bahamas when Anna passed away. That led to the guys talking about that and about how weird this whole thing has turned out to be. They talked about the rumor about Anna Nicole's son being the father and how funny that would be if it turned out to be true. Howard said he's going to put $500 down now that Larry Birkhead is the father. He said he hates that he knows that name. Robin said she'd probably go with that as well.
Howard had some audio of Anna Nicole, from his show, where she says she would never have any feelings for Howard K. Stern. She said she looks at him like her brother and she's not attracted to him at all. She said she would do just about any guy but her lawyer (Howard K. Stern). Howard said it's kind of funny that he was the only guy that she wouldn't fuck. Robin said that's why she laughed when Anna announced that the baby's father was Howard K. Stern.
Howard had some more audio from the show where Benjy and Anna went into the studio bathroom when they were back at K-Rock. Benjy wanted to give her oral and offered to do it right there in the bathroom. Anna agreed and went into the bathroom with him. They went into Howard's bathroom in the studio but didn't actually do the oral thing because Anna claimed that she was on her period. Howard played some audio of the two of them whispering to each other in the bathroom.
Benjy said he did kiss Anna and felt her boobs. He said he did feel sad when he heard about her death last week. Howard continued to play the audio of Benjy telling Anna how attracted to her he was. He kisses her and asks Anna if she's nervous. She is nervous so Benjy tells her it's okay and continues to come on to her. Howard said that's when Anna was at her fattest too.
Benjy said he went back to Anna's hotel room that day and got to hang out with her a little more. He said there were about 8 people there though so it was kind of tough. The Howard TV guys showed some audio of Benjy making out with her back when they did that.
Howard got back to the audio of Chyna Doll talking about Anna on Larry King. In the next clip Chyna tells Larry that Anna didn't want to talk to her when she tried to contact her. She said that she was asked to come over and hang out with her. Howard said that it turns out the woman from Trim Spa was right, Anna didn't return her phone calls. The Trim Spa woman said that Anna told her that Chyna was kind of like a stalker and wouldn't leave her alone. Larry also asked Chyna about a movie that she and Anna had shot together and wondered if they're going to pull it. Chyna had some trouble answering most of the questions that Larry was asking her. Robin pointed out that she couldn't finish one sentence.
Howard played another Larry King clip where he asked Chyna had called anyone over on Anna's side to find out what's going on. After that he played another clip of Anna talking about doing Howard's show where the made fun of her weight after making her stand on a scale in the studio. That was on Sharon Osbourne's show and Sharon was talking about how mean it was for them to make fun of her weight. Anna said that she wanted to go back on the show and get an apology but Howard wouldn't let her come in with her cameras so she walked out.
Howard had some audio clips from some news reports where the reporters started dropping the K from Howard K. Stern. Howard said it started happening over the weekend, around Saturday, when the reporters started getting lazy. Robin said that she heard that happening as early as Thursday evening. Howard wondered if that's even that guy's real name or if he changed it to Howard Stern because he's a fan. Robin said it's possible that it was his real name.
Howard played more clips where the reporters left out the K and made it seem like it was Howard Stern who had been dating Anna and was the father of her baby. Howard said this reminds him of the Ayds weight loss product that was ruined by the AIDS virus when it became so prominent. He said that Howard K. Stern is ruining his good name. Howard said he is trying to look at this in a positive way because it's kind of keeping his name out there in a strange way. It could help remind people that he's still around. Robin said that it actually startled her when she heard them calling him Howard Stern and leaving out the K.
Howard played report after report where they left out that K and it was just wrong according to Artie. He said that they were irresponsible for reporting like that. Howard said he had some more clips from his show where he spoke to Howard K. Stern and asked him why they needed cameras in the studio back when they were trying to get in there. Howard K. Said they wanted to shoot for her TV show but Anna didn't want to come up if Howard wasn't going to apologize to her. That's when she went off on him on the phone and ended up hanging up on him. Howard said she was a very disturbed young lady in that clip.
Howard said he's an excellent judge of character. Artie confirmed that when he told Howard he's called him an over-eater. Howard went on to play more audio from the Anna Nicole interview where he offered her some free Trim Spa product so she could lose weight. She turned it down at the time but eventually hooked up with the company and did lose her weight with the product. Howard had guessed that she was up at 300 pounds back then and told Anna that's what his estimate was. Robin had guessed 287 and Fred had said 250. She said that Fred was about 20 pounds off at that point so Howard figures she was around 230.
Howard said they had a lot of tape of Anna to play. He went through a list and found one clip where the guys were asking her to get on the scale and yelling at her to do it. Stuttering John demanded that she get on but Benjy came to her rescue and yelled at John to leave her alone. Benjy was ready to fight John so they had to get John out of the studio. Howard told Anna that Benjy was in love with her. He said that whole thing was set up and both Benjy and John were in on the whole thing. Benjy was doing it so he could get closer to Anna. Anna kind of turned down the offer to go into the bathroom with Benjy at first but did say that she was going to be around the whole weekend.
Howard said he's now changing his name because of this Howard K. Stern thing and he's going to go with ''The Howard'' thanks to Donald Trump's ''The Donald.'' He said he has to go with anything other than Howard Stern because it's too confusing with Howard K. Stern now that they've started to drop the K in the news reports. Howard said he had to go through hell to get to where he is with his name while that other Howard didn't do anything.
Howard asked Larry to get the word out that he's now ''The Howard.'' Larry said he would get that done for him. Howard said he woke Larry out of bed to tell him that.
Howard said this story has to go away eventually and they'll have to stop hearing about Howard K. Stern. Robin thinks that there will be a lot left to this story because Anna Nicole has to have left her millions to someone and there will probably be fights over that. Howard said that he actually loves all of this stuff that's going on and he's an Anna Nicole fan now. He talked about how beautiful her face was and that she really was hot when she wasn't piggy fat. Artie said he still would have done her when she was fat. Howard said there's no way he would have done her at that point. Benjy was ready to go down on her at that point.
Artie thought that Benjy had gone down on Anna but Benjy said he didn't. He was willing to do it but it didn't happen. He wanted to lay her down in the bathroom back then. That led to the guys talking about how many people were having sex in that studio that they didn't know about. That led to Howard saying that Cabbie sent him a letter this morning asking him if he wanted to go in on that sex tape he has and make 50 percent on it. Artie couldn't believe he was hearing that and said that he must be out of his mind. Robins said that someone was talking to her about Cabbie and how he is a drug addict and can't be expected to make rational decisions. Howard took a call from a guy who said that the reports he saw on CNN made it seem like it really was him down in the Bahamas with the baby.
Howard mentioned that the new Eddie Murphy movie ''Norbit'' got awful reviews but the movie made over $30 million. He quickly got back to the Anna Nicole audio clips after that. In one clip she talked about masturbating. In another clip Anna denies ever having any feelings toward Howard K. Stern. Howard figured that Howard K. must have some attraction to her after spending so much time with her.
Howard played another audio clip where Howard flirted with anna after she said she was never going to do the show again because they were so mean to her. Howard sweet talked her and asked her to show him some stuff. As he was listening to that clip he couldn't believe he had gone there. He even started singing to her to the tune of The Doors ''Light My Fire.''
Howard played some audio of Anna sounding all f'd up at some award show she was presenting at. Then he played a clip where Cabbie came into the studio and told Anna about Trim Spa and turned her on to that stuff. Cabbie told her that he had no will power but it worked for him. Cabbie said he wasn't calling her fat because a fat guy doesn't call someone else fat. Howard also had some audio from the movie that Anna and Chyna Doll made called ''Illegal Aliens.''
Howard said he had psychic Sylvia Browne on the phone. He picked up and it was a guy doing an impression of her telling them that Anna Nicole was actually shot, that's how she died. Howard got a few laughs out of that call and said that he had to go to break after that.
Artimus said that his wife's father was also killed in an airplane crash. He was also telling Howard that he used to fly planes himself so he knows what that's like. it took him quite a while before he was able to get back into an airplane after the band's plane crashed. Howard said he can't imagine having so many people in your family dying in plane crashes. Artimus said his father's plane was actually cut in half by another plane that was flying nearby.
Howard asked Artimus about the band's crash and how that all went down. Artimus said they were just playing Pong and hanging out in the plane. They were in a prop plane that was running out of fuel. The plane was a 1947 model that they bought to use for flying to gigs. The gauges on the planes weren't very reliable so they would usually check the fuel levels with a stick. He said that they crashed simply because they ran out of gas. It's cool when that happens in a tour bus, but not in an airplane. Artimus said he was actually in the cockpit jump seat when they were trying to switch the fuel tanks.
Artimus interrupted himself and said that he wanted to say hello to Fred and Artie. Howard told him to please not say hello to Fred again. He got Artimus back on track and asked him about the plane crash and if he blamed the pilots for not checking the fuel before that flight. Artimus said that they only had 60 miles left to go to make it to their destination. He said that when they were coming down they came out of the clouds and they were right on top of the trees at that point. Trees are bad because they don't move. He said that once they got down into the thick of the trees, it caused them to go into a 45 degree dive. Artimus said he never lost consciousness in that crash.
Howard asked Artimus what everyone was doing during the crash. He said it was very quiet and they were just praying. He said that he and Ronnie Van Zandt gave each other the hippie handshake and a big smile. He said that Ronnie had a crimson pillow in his hand when they were going in for the crash. He said Ronnie once told him that he would never live to the age of 30 and he was right. Artimus started to get upset and said he really misses those guys. Howard told him it was okay if he wanted to stop talking about it.
Howard said he thinks about a scenario like that and can't imagine what he would do if he was in that situation. Howard wondered if he thought that he would survive it. He said he didn't have his life flash before his eyes or anything like that. He remembers how he was playing stewardess and telling the guys to conserve as much energy as possible as they were going down. He knew that they had to conserve the energy because they were in survival mode. He went back to the cockpit and got in the navigator seat and that's when the pilot told him to go back and strap himself in. He asked if they wanted him to take over and land. He knew that they had made a mistake by putting the landing gear down because that kind of helped suck them down into the trees. He believes that they may have been able to get over the trees to the field that was nearby.
Artimus said that he walked through the field that was there and it probably would have been a much softer landing. He was still conscious after the crash so Howard asked him what killed the rest of the guys and how he survived. Artimus said he was wadded up in a little piece of wreckage. There were 26 on board and 6 were killed on impact. He said that the doctors told him about Cassie and Steve dying and he was kind of surprised by Ronnie getting killed. He was told by the doctors that Ronnie got hit in the head and that's what killed him. It was probably the stuff they had in the plane like some of their equipment.
Howard said it's kind of weird that the guys in Skynyrd won't talk to him. Artimus said that he wasn't kicked out of the band, he left them. The band that was Lynyrd Skynyrd was not the original band. Howard asked him about his career and how that all got started. He said he used to bang on pots and pans when he was a kid and his parents bought him a drum set. He was never really trained to play though.
Artimus talked about some crazy stuff he had to go through when someone accused him of some sex crimes. He said he had to go to psycho therapy for years and they almost wouldn't let him go because he wasn't guilty and refused to admit guilt. He said he was a very angry man the last time he was on the show but he isn't carrying that anger with him anymore. He said that the guys in Lynyrd Skynyrd have been treating him much better now. He said he still loves Billy and Gary from the original band but he was mad at them for a while. He hasn't spoken to them since the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame show they did last year.
Howard asked Artimus more about the plane crash and asked him about how he got out and how injured he was. Artimus said the cartilage in his chest was torn so that was painful. He went out and helped out a friend. He saw that the pilot and co-pilot were decapitated and he's not sure exactly how that happened. He wondered for a long time what point it is when the life is taken. Howard was wondering the same thing and wanted to know how they were decapitated.
Howard said that wasn't bad enough. Artimus went to find help and ended up getting shot when he went up to a house. Artimus told Howard how he had told everyone that he was going for help because he couldn't sit there and do stuff. He said it was very dark there and he was up to his neck in dark water. He had a snake slither past him at that point. Then he got to a barb wire fence and saw cows. He didn't have strength to get over the fence so he had to roll over that. Then he walked up to this house and a 19 year old kid at the farm he walked up to pulled out a gun to protect his family. He said that it took him about 45 minutes to get to this farm house, it was about a mile away. Artimus said he heard the gun go off and he felt something sting him in the shoulder. He looked down and saw the coat he was wearing puff up. That spun him around and that's when he yelled out ''plane crash.'' Artimus said that guy later told the story and said that he shot over his head. He didn't want to be known as the guy who killed Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Howard asked Artimus when he finally got on an airplane again. Artimus told Howard that he went to live in Jerusalem for a while and learned a lot of stuff over there. He wasn't sure about his life and went over there to figure it out. He said when he flew over there, it was the first time he had gotten on an airplane since the crash.
Artimus told Howard about how he went through a lot of survivor's guilt over the years and he didn't even realize he was going through that. He couldn't understand why that had happened when they were doing so well as a band.
Howard said that Artimus has a new album coming out called ''Artimus Venomus'' so he played a little bit of that. In one song he sings about lawyers and the name of the song is ''Blood Sucking Weasel Attorneys.'' Howard listened to some of that and said if he gets married again, he wants to play that song during the wedding.
Irish John called in and asked if there was truth to the rumor that Ronnie was buried in a Neil Young t-shirt. Artimus said that Ronnie's grave got dug up about 4 or 5 years ago. Judy Van Zandt put out a reward for information about that and it turns out those guys were trying to find out if that rumor was true. Artimus said that Judy could answer the question but she's been kind of out of touch. Howard asked how far they got in digging up that coffin. Artimus said they got into his coffin because it was an above ground tomb. He said that Ronnie and Neil Young were going to tour together. He said they were going to write a song together too.
Howard took another call from a guy who talked about an uncle he just lost who was a big fan of the band. Gary came in after that and said that Artimus has a great story about Paul McCartney. Artimus said that they were at this huge event where Paul and Linda were sitting up on scaffolding to watch this band perform. He climbed up there to say hello to him and found out that Paul was a big fan. He told Paul what a fan he was and as they were talking, Paul had his legs dangling and ended up trying to get up and hit his head and knocked himself silly. He went limp for a second so he and Linda had grabbed him and held him there. He said Paul looked at him and said ''Us old gunfighters have hard heads don't we?'' and figured he said that because he had woken up seeing his face. Artie said he seems like some kind of Rock and Roll Saint.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't even like the band Lynyrd Skynyrd but the story he told was really good. He said he's a New Yorker and he's really not into that southern stuff. Howard took some more calls and let a few guys ask Artimus some questions and tell him how great his stories were. Howard gave him some plugs for upcoming gigs and his new CD. You can check out Artimus at ArtimusPyle.com.
Howard was wrapping up with Artimus but Robin wondered how he was doing with money these days. Artimus said he's doing okay now and has a house down in Nashville. He said he has no complaints. He's said this stuff isn't about the money, he loves playing drums and he'll play until he's 100 and then switch to stand-up comedy. He said he's got a wife and a 7 year old son. His wife is 22 years younger than him. Howard wished him luck and a lot of happiness.
Artie told a quick story about Artimus' security guy Mike. He said that the guy has a story about him and some other cool stories to tell. Howard was running out of time so he wasn't sure he could bring him in. Artie told the story himself anyway. He said that he had passed out at a gig he did back in 1992 and had forced someone to take him home. They got pulled over and the cop, Mike, was the one who pulled them over. Artie said Mike took the keys from him and left the two of them in the car to sober up and sleep it off. Artie said that they knew he was from MAD TV when they saw him and left him in the car to sleep it off. Artie said he was performing at this comedy club at the time so he believes the story even though he doesn't remember it.
Artimus said that Artie had taken all of the kid's clothes to keep warm in that car. That's what he heard from Mike. Artie said he's not denying it, he just doesn't remember it. Artimus went on to say that they did a free gig on the Intrepid battleship in New York City around the time of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and he just wanted to say hello to everyone who had come out to that show. He thanked all of those fans for what they've done for the band.
Artimus then gave Howard an Epiphone guitar as a gift. Howard tried opening it up but he was having some trouble. Artimus told him to check it out because the case was really nice inside. There was a built in humidifier inside the case. Howard said it was a very beautiful guitar. He played a little bit and sang some of that ''Lawyers Suck'' song. He then wrapped up and went to commercial break.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him why he bailed so early on that interview. Howard said Artimus was there for an hour and Paul McCartney was only there for like 45 minutes when he interviewed him. The caller thought it could have gone longer. Howard said they wanted to leave the fans wanting more so they will have him back sometime. Artie said that he was told that Artimus was also in a helicopter crash when he was in the military. Howard said he can't imagine what that whole plane crash thing must have been like for him. Robin said that the crash wasn't bad enough, he had to go through all of that other stuff to get help.
Howard said that Sal and Richard have created another Jack and Rod show where they pretend to be a couple of radio show hosts and interview authors. This time they spoke to Jeff and Shirley Lawrence about their book ''Hollywood Be Thy Name'' and had Crackhead Bob playing the part of Kirk Douglas. The authors believed it was him and spoke to him as if he really were Kirk. Crackhead Bob said ''Duck my dock'' and they thought he was saying something about his son. Bob kept saying that he wanted to put his ''denis'' in the woman's ''dussy'' but she had no idea what he was talking about. The guy, Jeff, started to understand and asked what kind of show this was. Bob pretended to jerk off while Shirley was reading some of her poetry. Jeff said he wasn't interested in this interview anymore. A caller told Howard that was one of the funniest calls he's ever heard.
Howard read that James Brown is still not buried yet and he's been dead for weeks now. They spent a short time on that.
A caller suggested that Howard K. Stern change his name to Howie or something so there isn't so much confusion. Howard told the guy he made his announcement about changing his name to ''The Howard.'' The caller also asked Howard to get rid of the Wrap Up Show in the loop during the weekend because he doesn't think anyone wants to hear it. Howard said that more people seem to want it than not so they're going to keep it. He said you can't please everyone but they do try.
Howard asked Gary to come in with the Grammy stuff so they could go over that. They spent a short time talking about The Police reunion that took place. Howard said he heard that Mary J. Blige was going on and on during her acceptance speeches. Gary said she was talking about what a horrible person she used to be and how she's changed since finding God. Howard said people like that think that they've changed when they really haven't.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artimus is like that guy from that movie ''Unbreakable'' because he never seems to die. Howard said that is kind of what it's like and he wonders if Artimus thinks like that.
Howard got back to the Grammy stuff and played The Police performing ''Roxanne'' at the start of the show. Sting wasn't hitting the high notes so Gary pointed that out and also told Howard to stick with it to hear the weird thing they went into during the middle of the song. Fred said that the Red Hot Chili Peppers were kind of boring on the show. They performed one of their lamer songs so they played a few seconds of that. Then they went into some of the Dixie Chicks acceptance speech. They were kind of making fun of everyone and even gave a Simpsons-like ''Haa haa'' to everyone who didn't think they could win.
Howard played some clips of Mary J Blige performing. Howard said he wouldn't be able to listen to that stuff. Robin said it was just getting to a good part when he cut it off. Howard said he still wouldn't like it even if she got topless and shot bullets from her pussy. He played some of her acceptance speeches where she thanked her lord and savior. Then she starts talking about what a bad person she was. Then she started to rattle off the names that were on her list of people to thank. As she was doing that they cut her off and played music to get her off stage.
King of All Blacks called in to say that he hates when they goof on Mary J Blige like that because she's great. He told the guys about some of her hit songs and no one recognized them. Artie knew one of her songs but Howard didn't know anything about them.
Howard got back to the audio clips from the show and played more of Mary making her speeches. King was still talking about how great she was but Howard said he really doesn't care. King asked him to please care but he still didn't.
Gary said that they let some of the performers do like 5 songs while they kept Christina Aguilera to one song. Howard played some of her cover of ''It's a Man's World'' and thought that she was actually very good. Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flats performed ''Life in the Fast Lane'' so Howard played some of that. He wondered why they did that. Gary said that they were doing a tribute to Don Henley.. They performed like 4 of his songs but only one for James Brown. Gary said he didn't understand that whole thing.
Howard said he thinks one of the guys in Rascal Flats bought him dinner when he was down in Mexico. Howard wondered why they didn't just get Don Henley to do his own songs, he's still alive. He played some other quick clips from the show like where Shakira was performing. He said it sounded like she was actually singing but Gary thought she may have been lip syncing. He also said that they seemed to be having a lot of technical problems on the show.
Robin said that Justin Timberlake was playing piano and it seems there's nothing that he can't do. Gary said he loves TiVo because he was able to just blast through it after 10 seconds. They spent a few minutes talking about Justin and what he's been doing with his career.
Jeff said he could work as a greeter at the supermarket or something. Howard said if he went to a supermarket and was greeted by Jeff the Drunk, he's not sure he'd want to go there anymore. Artie said he'd wonder where the guy shit in the market if he saw him there. Howard wondered why the family would have hired Jeff to work there if they were going to sell the store. The guys said that maybe they didn't know it was going to happen. Robin said that kind of stuff doesn't happen overnight.
Jeff has quite a resume. He's now worked as a hand stamper and a door opener. He found it funny that a scanner replaced him at the back door. Jeff said that if he were to stay there, he'd need two hands to work the scanner. He only has use of one arm so that won't work for him.
Jeff said he heard that Howard is going back down to Florida and he's going to be taking a private jet down again. Howard didn't know what he was talking about so he let him go and had Craig Gass come in.
Howard said that when Craig was on Bubba's show he was bragging about being on Sex and The City because he was only on once. Craig said that he didn't bring it up, it was Bubba who brought it up. Craig said it's also a running joke with the other comedians who bring it up when they go out to eat. Howard said Craig dated Miranda on the show... in one episode. That was it. Craig said when he mentions that in his act, the crowd always gives him an ''Ugh'' when they hear who he had to date on the show.
Craig said he always has weird parts that he plays in TV shows. In Sex and the City he had women's jizz on his face and Miranda wouldn't make out with him because he had the jizz on him. Then in the show Las Vegas he played the part of a comedian who liked to stir drinks with his penis. He told some stories about the day he shot Sex and the City and how he could smell her pussy while they were shooting it. He said it wasn't a bad smell, it was just the smell of an excited pussy. Howard figures that he was imagining things and there was no smell. Howard said that if you can smell pussy, it's a bad smell. Howard said he's never smelled whatever it is he thinks he's smelled.
Artie said he's experienced that smell that Craig is talking about. It's just a scent but it's not bad. He knows what a bad scent is. Craig said that chick told him that she had gotten knocked up that same weekend, had her baby 9 months later and then broke up with her husband and went lesbian. He said that his friends blamed him for turning her gay.
Howard asked Craig if he's having a feud with Jim Breuer. Craig said the guy went off on him once on air. Jim had promised to put him on a comedy show he was doing. Then he wouldn't return his calls. Then he claims that Jim forgot he told him he could do that show and thought he was trying to weasel his way into this comedy show. Howard heard that Craig is also on the outs with Bob Schimmel. Craig ended up doing his Paul Stanley and Gene Simmmons impressions during that discussion.
Craig said that he was doing a radio show and saw that Schimmel was calling into this show. Craig did his Gene Simmons impression and Bob was fooled and thought it was the real Gene Simmons. He got on the phone off the air and Bob told him that he had cancer and stuff so Craig stayed in character because he didn't know what else to tell him. Then Bob found out that it was Craig and refused to hang out with him at a show one time because of what had happened.
Yucko the Clown called in and said that Craig is doing some shows up in Alaska now or something but no one knew what he was talking about. Craig said that he loves Yucko but he had to call in when he and his girlfriend were on last time to correct them on what they were talking about. Craig said that both he and Bob Levy thought they had a chance with that chick days before Yucko fell in love with her. Craig said he thought she was being very flirtatious with him and that's what he was going with. Robin wondered if he thought that she was going through the group of guys just to find the one who would date her. Craig said that whole thing kind of happened two years before almost the same way.
Craig said that she had driven him back to his hotel room the first time he met her. As he was telling the story Yucko interrupted and goofed on him for all the name dropping he does. He also told him he's got a giant, Frankenstein looking head. Craig said he has since deleted the picture of this chick that he had on his cell phone. He said that Yucko knows that she did send it so he doesn't need proof anymore.
Artie asked Craig how he met that chick before Yucko did. Craig said he met her at a comedy club years ago and she was friends with this other comedian who Craig claims had messed around with her. Craig said Levy did think that he had a chance with her as well so that's why he had handed her his room key one night. Howard wondered who the fuck cared about any of this anyway. Yucko said he wanted to set the record straight, that's why he called in.
Craig said that he did a show years ago down in Dallas and started to tell the story but Howard actually had to hit the dump button on him because he was implicating someone in something he didn't want on the air. He told Craig to drop the story. Craig wanted to keep telling it but Howard told him to just drop it.
Artie asked Craig how old he is. Craig said he's 36. Artie laughed and said he though he was older because he thought he was 35 about 5 years ago. Craig swore he was 36 though. Gary interrupted and said that they had Donald Trump on the phone so Howard went to that.
Donald said that he knew Anna and Howard knew Anna but she would be hard to devote time to. Howard said that she wasn't all that bright and Donald agreed that may have been the case. He said that she was able to work her way into making the money she made. Donald also thinks that it's not Stern's baby and he's pretty sure it's someone else's.
Robin said she just read that Howard K. Stern opened a talent agency just for Anna Nicole and it may have been before he even met her. Trump said he's pretty sure that Howard K. Stern isn't the father and the real father is probably the blonde haired guy. He wasn't even sure if Howard K. Stern was his real name or not. He said that he is bad news through and Howard can't possibly be happy that he's in the news like this.
Howard told Donald that Dee Snider told him that he was able to make that name cool. Now he has to watch Howard K. Stern dragging his name down the way he is. Donald said he doesn't know what Howard can do to make this go away. Howard told him that there are papers in other countries saying that it's ''Shock Jock Howard Stern'' who is Anna Nicole's baby's father. Craig got a laugh out of that.
Howard and Donald talked about this guy who is Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband who wanted to adopt anna Nicole. Robin said that Zsa Zsa is kind of upset about that whole thing. Howard said she has to be fuming over that. Howard said he's always liked her. Donald said that there's nothing good about the clock and you just have to look at poor Zsa Zsa to realize that. Trump was talking about how beautiful Anna Nicole was years ago when she first started out. He said she had a great body, great face and great hair.
Trump and Howard talked about Anna Nicole gaining weight and how all of that went down. Trump figures that she lost her weight by having an operation and it wasn't really the Trim Spa stuff. Howard said that's probably true, he just read that she's had two breast operations since the birth of her baby.
Craig went into his Sam Kinison impression during the call and started asking Trump some questions as Sam. Trump didn't seem to get it and it probably went right over his head. Trump explained how he had a guy come in who had the operation on his stomach and the guy wouldn't admit he had it done because he didn't want to admit that he had just given up.
Donald said he feels really bad for Howard and this whole Howard K. Stern thing. He said he thinks that Howard K. Stern is responsible for Anna's death in some way. He asked Howard if he thinks that he was feeding Anna the drugs that she had (allegedly). Howard said he's not sure but Robin said that the drugs they did take out of her hotel room had his name on them.
Howard mentioned Rosie O'Donnell's name so Donald went off on her a little bit. Howard told Donald that he used to fight with her years ago but when he saw that she came out of the closet, he changed his tune on her. He said he saw a special about her and her wife where they went on a cruise with some gay people. They stood up and took a stand against homophobia and that led to his stand on her soften. Trump went on to say that she's really a bad person and he's had people come up to him and tell him just how mean she is. He's been told that she treats people like crap, like they're beneath her.
Trump said that if he runs into Rosie, it wouldn't bother him at all. He doesn't really care. Trump said that he went on The Today Show and Meridith Viera asked him about some of the names he called Rosie and he refused to answer some of them. That led to Howard and Trump talking about his battle with Barbara Walters as well. Trump said he doesn't think he'll ever make up with Barbara. He had a fight with her years ago as well so he's not sure that they'll get through this one.
Howard asked Donald about the night that his daughter was on Jimmy Kimmel's show and Andy Dick was putting his hands all over her. Donald said that she's a good sport about that stuff. He said that he did Jimmy's show a few weeks ago and he was very good with him and he really enjoyed doing it. He said his daughter did the show a couple of weeks later and she looked gorgeous. Howard said he would love to be Donald's son-in-law. He said that she's so attractive, she speaks well, she's got a ton of dough and she's a great catch. Howard thinks that she got implants but Donald said she didn't tell him that if she did. Howard said that when he met her, he thought she was telling him that she was into him. Donald said that he would probably hate it if he were his son-in-law. Howard wondered if that was because he's a Jew. Donald said that's not it but he was just waiting for that question to come.
Donald said that he likes Howard right where he is, with Beth. Donald told Howard that he would pick him over Howard K. Stern if he had to. Howard asked him if he would rather have Howard K. Stern or Jaime Foxx. Donald said he likes Jaime Foxx and he would certainly pick him over Howard K. Stern. Artie told a joke and said that he talked to Donald about how OJ Simpson was kicked out of his golf club because they didn't want his kind there. Artie asked him ''Oh, so you don't want murderers in the club'' and Trump said ''He murdered someone?''
Donald told Howard that OJ asked to play golf with him one time but he turned it down. He said they wanted to set up a golf tournament but he had to pass on it. Howard said that was a smart move. Donald said he shut OJ off completely after the murders. He said that before the murders, he used to play with OJ and he knows that he was in good enough shape to have killed a man. He sad that a friend of his said to OJ that there was no way he could beat him in a race. The two of them ended up racing and OJ beat the other guy so badly. Because of that, Donald doesn't believe that he was too weak to kill a man.
Howard thanked Donald for calling in and Donald wished Howard luck with getting through this Howard K. Stern stuff. Howard said that he was all over TV this weekend watching anything they had about Anna Nicole Smith. Trump said he didn't find any of her press coverage before she died very interesting. He still doesn't. She was getting a lot of publicity before this and he just doesn't get it. Trump said he knows that all of this stuff has to do with ratings and that's what the whole business is about.
Howard let Donald go and asked Craig if he wanted to stick around. Craig said he did want to stick around. Howard gave him a couple of plugs for his upcoming gigs and his web site IHateComedians.com.
Howard asked Craig if he's still friends with Eddie Van Halen. Craig said he stayed in his house for a few months after Eddie asked him if he wanted to stay there. He's actually got a couple of houses on the property and one of his friends rungs the studio for him and lives there. He said that he was living with some chick who ended up making out with some other dude so he had to move out of that house. Eddie told him he could stay there in one of his places. Then he found out that the friend who he met Eddie through had been banging his girl so he's no longer friends with that dude and that's why he doesn't keep in touch with Eddie.
Shuli said that Sal's wife has been spying on him by checking out his Myspace page and she's told the women who think he's attractive that they can take him but they can't give him back. Shuli said that they'll have stories about some comedy shows that they've been doing lately. He also got in a plug for the Sour Shoes Valentine's Day special that will be on Howard 101 tonight at 7pm.
Howard thanked Shuli for his preview and moved on to Jon Hein who ran down his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll talk about the coverage of the anna Nicole Smith death and the Howard K. Stern thing. They will also talk about the Donald Trump call.
Howard noticed that Artie was just about falling asleep today. Artie said he loaded up on sugar this morning and also complained that he can't nap on the couch he used to use in the green room. He said he doesn't fit on the new couch. Howard told him to go ahead and put his head down and take a nap. He told him that he screwed up by sleeping so late yesterday afternoon.
Howard let Jon go and got in a plug for this coming weekend's music special where they will play every music performance from the past 20 years. That starts at 3pm on Friday afternoon.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Howard TV show with all of the fat guys getting weighed in was great. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how odd the guys looked when they took their shirts off. The caller also asked Howard about the guitar he got from Artimus earlier in the show. He wondered if he was going to give it to Fred. Howard said that he's keeping that for himself since he doesn't have an acoustic guitar.
The Howard TV guys were showing Artie and his fat belly on the monitors in the studio. Howard said he doesn't think Artie looks that bad for a fat guy. Howard ended up reading a few e-mails about that show. He had Robin get back to her news pretty quickly.
Robin brought up a story that led to Howard talking about how he's not that uptight about guys hitting on his girlfriend because it's really up to her if she wants to leave him. He said that Beth has told him that when she tells guys who his boyfriend is, they get scared off. If they don't know it's Howard, they're not so scared. That led to Howard talking about an article where they did a poll and found that 46 percent of the people think that he's crazy.
Howard read through some more mail during the news. One guy liked Sour Shoes' impression of Scott Ferrall last week. There was another guy who said he doesn't want any Wack Packers on the Wrap Up Show. Another guy said that he doesn't want Howard playing those gay David Bowie songs he's been playing. Howard talked about how he was playing chess over the weekend and really enjoying it. Howard figured that Craig wasn't going to join the site he plays on but figured Artie might like it. Artie said he'd rather play on a real chess board. Howard said he got home on Friday night and played for hours and hours and didn't even realize how long he had been on. He went on for 3 hours with one game. Howard said he's up at about a 1450 score on the ICC web site but that's not even close to being a great player. He said he'd be in heaven if he was ranked close to 1600 as possible.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has tried to get through about 10,000 times and he had a lot of things to say about the guys in the studio. The guy said that there's no way Beth likes Howard for who he is, it's got to be his wallet he's interested in. Howard thought that was lame so he hung up on the guy.
During the news Robin read a story about how some guys may be able to get rings back from women they give them to on Valentine's day if they don't end up getting married. Artie talked about how he thought about how much he spent on Dana in Jewelry. He figured it was about $70,000 or so. Howard said that's a lot of filthy comedy shows he had to do to make that kind of money.
Howard had Robin wrap up her news and ended the show around 11:20am.
''The Howard'' started off the show talking about how when he was a little kid he wanted a club house filled with fun people. Today that's what his radio show is. He said there is no club house but he's got fun people with him. He said he's really got to end the show on time today because he has meetings to go to with the guys there. He said he's seen visions of what he wants to do with the future of media and he's going to reveal them to the SIRIUS people today.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who thanked him for having Artimus Pyle on the show yesterday because it was an awesome interview. Howard said he was on one other time and he knew that it could be a good interview with no commercial breaks. Howard said the interview went on for over an hour and people were telling him that they cut him off too early. He said he can never please the audience because some guests stay on too long.
Howard read through some e-mail about yesterday's show and the Artimus Pyle interview. Some people loved it, one person complained about Artie talking too much during it but Howard and Artie didn't think he said all that much during the interview. Howard said that someone even complained about him interrupting Artimus. Howard said he thought that was his job but maybe he was talking too much. Some people thought it was just a great interview. Another guy complained that the interview was rushed and he should have spent even more time with him. Howard said even Paul McCartney only got 40 minutes.
The caller asked to hear one of the calls that Sal and Richard made using clips from the movie ''Ed Wood'' or the ''Karloff'' clips. Fred played one of the calls where they had the guy yelling at a woman whose husband was named Karl. The caller gave that a 5 star rating and had given the new call a 4.5. There was another call that the caller had suggested where the guys used some clips of a guy saying the N-word to a guy they called. He kept repeating the N-word and asking if the guy on the line could lend a nigga a pencil. Artie didn't remember that one, he didn't think he had ever heard that one.
The caller also gave the suggestion of roasting Steve Grillo. Artie said that they're actually thinking of roasting Andy Dick and he thinks that could be a great one. Howard said he thinks Dick is in on that roast so they'll try to make that happen.
Fred said he's not into that kind of stuff and he really doesn't like some of the food. Howard said he had a hot fudge sundae and it wasn't even really ice cream. The place is called Pure Food and Wine. Artie said that a buddy of his used to eat tofu hot dogs and when he made him try it, he wanted to punch him in the face.
Artie said it must be weird being like Howard must be weird because everyone has to know who he is. He said the chick must have knew who he was and maybe she was performing for him. Howard said she was because she wrote him a whole note about how she's been listening to the show for a long time and what a fan she was. Artie said it has to be weird to be a celebrity like that.
Howard said that the restaurant is downtown somewhere and his kids go there all the time. He said the two of them are vegans while the third one isn't but she will eat that stuff. Ronnie came in and said that the restaurant is at 54 Irving Place between 17th and 18th. Howard said he really liked that place. He said you don't feel heavy after eating that food. He thought it was very creative the way they made some of that stuff.
Howard had a picture of that chick up on his monitor. The guys checked her out and Robin said she thinks she was involved in some controversy. Benjy said she was so hot she was almost witch like. He also said that she's 35 years old but Howard found that hard to believe. He thought she was in her 20s. Benjy said that he's spoken to her and it's like she's in another world so that's why he was saying she's like a witch.
Artie pointed out something going on with Benjy's face. He had droplets of water forming on his face and the guys weren't sure what that was. Benjy claimed it was water from his shower but the guys said there's no way that's from his shower. Howard noticed he had red dots on his face now that they were talking about him. Artie then pointed out some more stuff on his face and told Howard how Benjy used to blot his face with sheets of paper to get the water off. He said he used to do that at K-Rock all the time.
Benjy was still talking about how hot the owner of that restaurant is. He was saying that if he wanted to have a baby, he wouldn't mind it if she was the mother. He said he'd actually prefer that. Howard told Benjy that he is kind of the grossest guy he knows with that sweat on his face. Artie said he knows that he's gross too but Benjy has that sweat on his face every single day. He suggested that he bring in a towel, a soft towel, to wipe down his face in the morning. Artie handed him a Vermont Teddy Bear to use. Fred gave him a Baba Booey t-shirt.
Gary said that the special is going to be 18 hours and it's going to repeat itself. He said they found a lot of gems in the archives and they're going to play them all. Howard said he's doing this instead of making this into a CD collection or anything like that.
The caller asked Howard if Van Halen is going to be coming on the show. Howard said he's not sure about that. Gary said he's left a couple of messages for Eddie but hasn't heard back. Howard went into a couple more clips like Def Leppard performing acoustically. He said you can hear it all this weekend on SIRIUS.
Howard also said that they have a Billy West spotlight series that they're going to be playing soon. The caller said he loves that Marge Schott impression Billy used to do. Howard played a promo for the Billy West thing where they play some Billy clips. They're going to be playing that special on Monday, February 19th at 6am. Howard said that should get them all jazzed up. Robin said she loved when he used to imitate Jackie. Artie said that the dynamic in that smaller studio with that Jackie Puppet with Jackie and Fred writing him lines while Conan O'Brien was in there was amazing.
Howard said that Billy did an interview for that special but he hasn't heard it yet so he's not sure if Billy wants to come back on the show. The caller asked Artie what he's eaten this morning so far. Artie rattled off a bunch of the sugar filled food that he had eaten already this morning. The caller didn't know how he could fall asleep after eating all of that crap. Artie said the show is long and he gets tired by about 10:45. The caller asked Artie if he was going to be in tomorrow for muffin day. Artie said that it's not muffins, it's cupcakes, how dare he...
Howard said they have a sponsor who makes oil paintings from pictures and they have this great one of Artie eating a cupcake. Artie said he hates that one. They talked about another picture of Jon Hein which looks really odd. The caller interrupted and said that he saw the Babe Watch bit that Artie did on MAD TV.
Howard talked about some other clips he's seen on the web lately that are pretty funny. Gary said he was going to get a clip that they were talking about but he wanted to cut it down. Fred pulled it up and played the clip which was a Mike Tyson interview where Mike curses and talks about blow jobs and other wacky things on the air. He rambles on and on about Allah in one part of the clip. In other clips he's cursing, threatening and goofing on other people. At one point Mike tells a guy he's going to fuck him 'til he loves him.
Howard let the Tyson clips play for a short time and then cut it off. Artie talked about how he and his friends would get together to watch his fights and then he'd end them in under a minute. You'd just sit down to get comfortable and the fight would be over. Artie said he thinks that Tyson went down hill because the guys who knew how to deal with him were taken out of his life and that's why he just wasn't able to fight after a while. The guys spent a short time talking about Tyson and how professional boxing isn't what it used to be.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Leroy Jenkins clip wasn't someone crying, the guy was high. Howard said the clip was very funny either way. He said it was like geek heaven when the guys were plotting how to play that video game. Artie said that he ran into some kids that he knew in high school who played Dungeons and Dragons. He said that the kids were so angry about the way they were goofed on when they were younger that they wanted to beat the shit out of his friend. Artie said he thinks that the nerdy kid would have killed his friend if they had gotten into a fight.
Howard said that it is Black History Month this month so they sent Sal up to Harlem to interview some black people. He played a clip where Sal asked people if they think that there should be a White History Month. Most of the people interviewed said they don't think that there should be a White History Month. One guy was pissed that Black History Month is in February, the shortest month of the year. There was one guy who said he wanted a Jew History Month.
Howard also played a Black History Minute that Dan the Song Parody Man had put together about Robin's experiments with vegetables. Richard Christy came in after that and said he had audio of that nerdy video if he wanted to play it. Howard said people can find that on the web if they want.
Howard asked the guys if they think that Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband could possibly be Anna Nicole Smith's baby's father. No one believed that. They went on to talk about some of the stuff they've been reading about Anna's baby. There are rumors that her son is the father. Fred played an edited clip of Ed McMahon saying ''Anna Nicole Smith has mammoth cunt lips.''
Howard had some audio from Larry King's show where this Prince who is married to Zsa Zsa talks about how he might be Anna Nicole's baby's father. The guy said that he loves blonde women and he goes after them, he can't help it, he's a man. Artie thought the guy had the creepiest accent of all time. Howard said that poor Zsa Zsa is stuck in a bed somewhere unable to do anything while this guy goes out and fucks other blondes. He had to go to break after that.
Howard had the audio of the nerds playing and plotting their video game that he was talking about earlier. He tried to find the audio clip on ''Gary Preview Page 1 in white'' but he was having problems finding it. Richard told him where it was so Howard played the clip. In the clip, which has been on the web for years, you hear the guys talking about how they can do their attack. They have all kinds of statistics and while they're plotting this one guy runs in and yells out ''Leroy Jenkins!'' Artie wondered what these people do for a living that they can play games like this. Howard said he thinks that chess is just as nerdy as that stuff is.
Howard continued to play the audio where the other guys playing with ''Leroy'' get upset with him. Leroy then gets upset himself and it sounds like he's just about crying. Howard said Scott DePace got yelled at by nerdy kids for screwing up a game he was playing recently. Scott came in and said that he was playing this new game where he got his battleships sunk immediately and the kids started making fun of him. He said he was so embarrassed that he turned the game off.
Scott said that you have headsets to talk to up to 16 people in these games he plays. He said you can turn the mic off and just listen if you want. He said it's actually very cool. Howard said he'd love to play chess and be able to talk online. Scott figures that they must be able to do that. Scott said that there are some kids who ask him sexual questions and it gets kind of uncomfortable then. He said one guy threatened to tea bag him in Halo one time so he asked the kid if he was into girls yet. The kid said he was into girls but then he started asking him sex questions so he handed it over to his wife. Artie figured he was going to get into trouble for doing that and the next thing he knows, he's going to be confronted by Chris Hanson.
Howard told Scott that he should play chess instead. Scott isn't interested in that, he'd rather blow shit up. Artie said he was never into video games. He thinks that he could get into the chess thing some day though.
Elizabeth said that one way to keep from getting caught is to buy a new car so the other woman doesn't know what you're driving. Howard asked Elizabeth what kind of accent she has. She said she was from Haiti. She went on to say that her book is kind of like a condom because condom's don't make you cheat, they just help.
Elizabeth said that she has a PHD in Psychology from an online school. Howard read that Elizabeth suggests to odor bomb your home to cover up the smell of other lovers. She also suggests buying a locker at a bus station or something where you can keep your private information like cell phone numbers and stuff like that. Howard tried to understand how that would work. He went through the locker story and Elizabeth told him to keep it like a separate business. She also suggests renting an apartment or another room that you can take your other partner to.
Elizabeth said that she coaches people in this stuff and she's done that for many. She said that it can cost $600 to $1000 a month to be a life coach. Artie asked her when she blows him for that kind of money. She said that she would blow him as long as he pays. Howard asked Elizabeth some more questions about the suggestions she has in her book. She says that you should have an accomplice to help you with your lies.
Elizabeth said that she was with one guy who wouldn't return phone calls she made to him and it was because he was cheating on her. Artie said it would be a lot easier just to jerk off. Howard said that Elizabeth lists 10 types of women to avoid. He read through the list but a lot of them were things that most people would avoid. They spent a short time on that. Howard gave her a plug for her book and said you can buy it at HTCANDNGC.com. He let her go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard that if he ever wants to cheat on Beth he should blow his brains out. Ralph called in after that and said that whole thing was ridiculous. Artie thought most of that stuff was pretty obvious and common sense.
Howard had a prank call that Richard made to a life coach one time on a public access show. He played that clip where Richard said he was sitting there jacking off while watching them. Howard let Ralph go after that and took another call. He ended up replaying the new prank call that Richard made to the pharmacy that he had played earlier in the morning.
Howard said they have a Siobhan ''Cribs'' episode coming soon. He said her apartment is loaded with garbage and cats. That's coming up later this week. The caller said that he watched the weigh-in show last night and he thought it was pretty rough seeing Artie the way he was.
Howard said he was sent a web site where you can see how many other people share your name. Howard said there are only 27 people with his name. He looked up Robin Quivers and found just 1! He looked up Artie Lange and found 45 ''Arthur Lange'' names. He asked the guys what they thought about Fred's name. Everyone took guesses but they were way off. There were 132 people with Fred's name. They looked up Benjamin Bronk and found just 2. Richard Christy had 136. Howard asked about Sal Governale and found zero. Not even Sal showed up in his own search. There are 287 Eric Norris names.
Lisa G had come in to do her Howard 100 News preview. They talked to her about her name which is actually Glassberg. She said she dropped it back when she was working at another radio station. Howard figured she dropped it because she wanted to drop the Jewy name. She said that's not true at all, she's still Jewy. She got into her Howard 100 News preview and she spoke to someone who suggested that Howard franchise his name out. She also said that the Stern Show is headlining the hometown paper for where Big Foot lives. They'll have updates from Vermont all day long on Howard 100 and 101.
A caller told Howard that the whole Howard K. Stern thing came up on TV last night and his wife said ''Oh, that's what Howard Stern looks like...'' Howard and the guys let out a groan when they heard that. Howard said that guy Howard K. Stern is an asshole. He hates that his name is the same as his. Howard said he knew he should have changed his name to Miles August.
Lisa G said that they have another conspiracy web site based on the show. That site is ArtieAteDana.com and the webmaster thinks that Artie ate Dana, that's why we haven't heard from her or seen her in a while. That led to Howard asking Artie if he's gotten laid lately. Artie said he's going to be down in Atlantic City this weekend and he has a good prospect of a woman to bang down there. He said she's in the bullpen. Howard said he has a few women that he has stashed away just in case he and Beth don't last.
Howard said he loves when an ex-girlfriend calls him and tells him they just broke up with a boyfriend. Artie said he doesn't think that he could take it if he knew that Dana was banging some other dude. Howard said they have to find out if she is getting laid. That got Howard doing his Dana impression on his megaphone. He jokingly had her calling for her new boyfriend Jose. Howard figures that Dana is a good girl and she'd wait for love before jumping into the sack with another dude.
Howard told Artie that he should go out with Lisa G. Lisa said that they would be fighting immediately and it wouldn't work out. Artie said he fights with every broad he dates. He and Dana went 2 months before their first fight so that was a record for him.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that they spoke to a guy about the Cabbie sex tape and he thinks that they could make millions if they put it out. Howard said that Cabbie has already asked him to put the tape out but he's never going to go for that. He said that Cabbie has to take control over his life at some point. Artie said that he seems to need chaos in his life and he ruins stuff like his relationship with Howard by doing this stuff. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that these guys cry on the show every minute and he's not sure how he does it. Eric said they have cameras on you all the time and they take those clips and make them worse than they are. Eric told Howard that some of the other guys got a lot of flack for the crying stuff. He said he got some himself but it was emotional doing that show. Eric said it was really emotional for him because he was up at 400 pounds. He said he even got his wife kind of chubby over the years.
Howard said he was happy for this guy when he won so he was happy to talk to him. Eric said he's been a huge fan for a long time now. They spent a couple more minutes talking about that stuff and also about some of the other contestants on the show. Howard said he thinks the trainer chick seems a little ''thick'' and goofed on her a little bit. Eric said he's been buying new clothes and stuff trying to stay thin. Howard thanked him again for the call and let him go. Howard said that guy went from like 400 something to 193 during that 4 months.
Howard told the guys to bring Cindy and her doctor in so they could see those things. Howard said her boobs were pretty big. He said that they had Dr. Davis in there with Cindy. Howard told her that her boobs might be too big. Cindy said that she was originally a C-cup. She also had some lip injection done so Howard let her know he didn't like that. Dr. Davis said some women like to have lines removed from their lip line. Cindy was laughing at that as he was talking about it.
Howard said he thinks that Dr. Davis has his hands full with this chick. He said he has patients come in all the time and bring up Howard's name to him. He said that some women will say that they have ''camel toe'' and there is no medical term for that. Dr. Davis said that his practice is in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.
Howard checked out Cindy's boobs and told her that they were way too big. She said that she thinks that they're too big because her body is so small. Robin told her that she should match them up to the size of her body. She said that she works at a sign shop down in Philly and she hasn't been dancing all that much lately. Howard asked her if she's ever given a hand job at a bachelor party. She laughed and wouldn't say much of anything about that.
Artie asked Cindy if she wanted to date a rich guy who likes chicks with big lips like hers. He said it was Sam Simon. Cindy didn't seem to care and probably had no idea who Artie was talking about. Howard moved on to ask Cindy about the boob feel. He said they have about 44 guys who are ready to feel her up today too. He got a little side tracked when he asked her if she's ever given another woman oral. She said she doesn't prefer that but she may have done it. The guys had to drag answers out of her because she was just laughing at the questions.
Howard asked Dr. Davis if he's going to keep the boobs as big as they are. Dr. Davis said they have to keep them large to make sure there's not a lot of extra skin. They spent a minute on that and then Howard asked Gary how many guys they had. Gary said he wasn't going to be a part of it because of his wife. He also said this doesn't interest him at all. Gary asked Dr. Davis to let some of the air out of her lips because they were apparently a little too big. Howard noticed that she had panty hose on so he asked her to take them off. She said they were just thigh highs but Howard said that's what his grandmother wears.
Howard said Cindy looked 100 times better with the stockings off. She took them off and Howard noticed that she had a great ass. He said there's not much fat to take out of there. Dr. Davis said that there are a lot of women who would want more in there. Gary asked how old she is. She said she's 34 so Howard asked if that's right.
Gary had the guys come in one after the other. Jon Hein wasn't going to do it but many of the other guys were in. Howard told Cindy to take her shirt off but Artie took his off as well. Dr. Davis said Artie must be at a C-cup himself. Artie went over and felt her up while Fred played a horn honking sound effect. Artie then stuck his head down there and gave her a bronsky or ''motor boat.'' Artie said they felt alright and asked her if she wanted to kiss him. They kissed and Artie said he loves being single on this show.
Scott the Engineer got up and felt her up. Will said that Artie smelled weird and had B.O. Shuli went up and felt her up and said they felt ok but it was time for a change. JD was next so he got up and said they felt like fake boobs. JD even gave her a ''motor boat'' like Artie had. Ronnie the Limo Driver said they felt ''pretty good'' but it was time for a change. Artie gave her another ''motor boat'' after that. Benjy got up and felt Cindy up and said he was starting to harden up. He asked to feel her ass but Howard told her to leave her alone. Sal the Stockbroker came in next and felt her up. Sal said he had soaked his hands in ice and she didn't even notice. Scott DePace went over and felt them up saying that he liked them. Richard Christy asked if he could feel the Doc's package. That wasn't going to happen.
A caller asked if Cindy would get on the Sybian. She didn't know what it was so the guys showed her and explained it to her. She decided to try it out so Howard told Artie to feel her up while she rode it. Gary told her that everyone who has been on it so far has been happy with it. He started it up a short time later and Cindy laughed. She was laughing as she was riding it and didn't seem to be getting that much pleasure from it. Artie was feeling her up the whole time. They jacked up the power a little bit and Artie kissed her shoulder. Howard told him not to eat her like he did with Dana. Gary had it jacked up to 100 percent but she wasn't getting anything out of it. Howard and the guys had a feeling that she was going to be a tough case.
Doug Goodstein came in and asked if they could just put her boobs on the Sybian and watch them jiggle. Howard wondered who came up with that. Doug said he came up with it so Howard called him a perv. Artie said he was getting a weird taste in his mouth from kissing her. They had her put her boobs on the machine and watched her boobs jiggle. Howard thought it was a bad idea but she actually enjoyed that more than she did sitting on it.
Howard wrapped up with Cindy and Dr. Davis. They had a silicone implant for the guys to touch so they could feel it up. He said it would cost about 8-9 thousand dollars to have those put in. Howard told Dr. Davis to knock them down a notch so they're not so big. Artie told her to go down to a C-cup. Howard told Dr. Davis to bring in chicks anytime. He went to break after that.
Howard talked about how his daughters were telling him that President Clinton is hot. He said it's really weird to hear them talking about stuff like that. He said he was telling them what assholes guys can be and warned them not to fall for certain things guys do. He said that they were also talking about how hot Barack Obama is.
Howard asked Artie about what he was doing earlier when that chick was in there. Artie said he thought she was pretty sexy so he was taking advantage of that. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie has been on fire lately since he got back from Vegas. The Howard TV guys put him up on the monitors so they could see him with his shirt off. Artie said he thinks he looks like a creepy friend of Bob Crane's or something.
Artie said that when Cindy was leaving she came over and gave him a kiss again. She had to say goodbye to him. Howard goofed on Artie and pointed out the odd things on his body. Another caller said that Britney Spears is starting to look like Liza Minelli these days. That got the guys back on that for a short time.
Howard said that the AP story about his new name ''The Howard'' finally came out. He read the article, which wasn't written by Larry McShane like he thought it was going to be. He quickly went through that and then played some audio clips from the TV show Extra. They got an interview with Howard K. Stern who wished that she was in a better place. They also had some footage of Howard K. Stern on the flight back to his home in the Bahamas. Artie liked how Trump was bashing Howard K. Stern yesterday on the show even though the guy is really down at this point.
Howard said that he would go to Pat O'Brien ''aren't you the guy with the coke and the hookers?'' if he was being interviewed. Howard played another clip where Howard K. Talks about how he and Anna were going to get married in less than two weeks. He wasn't even able to talk about it, he just wanted to go home to see his baby. Howard said he's hoping they find that the baby's father was Anna Nicole's son. He's also hoping that if they find it wasn't really Howard K. Stern's son, that they charge him with kidnapping or something. Robin said that it's possible that the baby could inherit Anna's money somehow.
Howard wondered what would happen if the baby's father turns out to be someone other than Howard K. Stern. Robin thinks that there would still be some kind of custody battle because Howard was named legal guardian in the will. Howard figures that Howard K. Stern would try to keep the baby. He said he hates that the guy has the same name as him.
Howard played some more clips of Howard K. Stern from Extra. He and the guys were goofing on that wild delivery that Pat O'Brien has on that show. Howard also played the Pat O'Brien sex tapes that they've played on the show so many times. Artie said he really wants to meet the girl that Pat was talking to in those tapes.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's a family law lawyer so she wanted to give them some information on the Anna Nicole thing. She said that there would have to be an agreement with the Bahamas to force Howard K. Stern to give up the baby if it is found that he's not the father. Howard wondered why there's not a rush being put on the DNA test to find out who the real father is. The caller said that this case is so complicated because they're involving every possible problem in it.
Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said that the biological father, in the United States, would get the baby. Down in the Bahamas things are different. He said that this case could drag out and the legal fees could be $10 million. He was also talking about how odd it is that there have been two deaths in that family in such a short amount of time. He said that down in Florida they're going to be very involved in trying to find out who gave Anna any drugs or pills. They're going to be looking at every single thing in that death and they will figure out what happened to her.
Howard asked Dominic if he's ever dealt with a case where the son turns out to be the feather of the child. Dominic said he had a case similar to that but he didn't get into details. Howard let Dominic go a short time after that.
Howard played another clip from Extra where Pat O'Brien was talking about the sad death of Anna Nicole but they had pretty inappropriate music playing behind him. It was kind of happy music. Howard goofed on them about that. There was another audio clip from Neal Cavuto's show where he asked Clint Eastwood what he thinks about her death. Clint didn't have much of anything to say about the whole thing. He seemed to be thrown off by the question a little bit. John Travolta was also interviewed about Anna and said he loved her.
Howard played some Larry King show where he interviewed some more people about Anna's death. This time he had one of Anna Nicole's friends on the show talking about how she's seen Howard give Anna a bunch of different drugs. After that Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's hoping that they come up with some crazy stories like they would on CSI. He said that maybe Anna was going to expose Howard K. Stern in the death of her son or something like that.
Howard got back to the Larry King interview. The woman said that she doesn't believe that Howard K. Stern is the father of the baby and blamed Anna's break-ups on Howard. Howard played some audio of Howard K. Stern's sister talking about how she thinks that Howard is really the father. Larry King asked her why he doesn't just get the DNA test done and prove it then.
Howard said he'd love the story line if they found out that Howard K. Stern was half alien and this was actually the first mixing of alien and human DNA. Fred threw in a clip of Riley Martin going ''Now, uhhhhhh'' as they were talking about that. Howard played a clip of this guy talking about the case and he had an accent that cracked Artie up. He said he loves that there's someone with an accent like that involved with this story because it's like a bad episode of Fantasy Island or something. The guy is the prince that Zsa Zsa Gabor is married to. He claimed that he wasn't in love with her and that there were probably 30 other guys who could be the father, but he still thinks that he could be the father as well. That guy also said that he knows who the father is but he's going to stay out of it. Howard said that discussion reminded him of Hans and Franz from Saturday Night Live.
Dominic Barbara called back in and said he would take the bets if anyone wanted to bet on who the real father was. Howard told him to go to work and leave him alone.
Howard mentioned that Sour Shoes was on Howard 101 last night and he heard that it was good. Shuli said he listened and thought it was really good. Howard only heard a couple of minutes of it on his way home last night. Shuli said they also spoke to some of the staffers about the Larry King interviews and who would show up if Howard passed away. Howard said he thinks Big Foot would show up. Robin said High Pitch Eric would probably show up for her.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down some of the stories they'll be covering today. He mentioned Cindy getting felt up so the guys asked him why he didn't feel up the chick. Jon said he thought about if he would want his wife doing that to some dude and figured it was a bad idea. Jon also mentioned that they'll be talking about Artie taking his top off while Cindy was there. They'll also talk about Anna Nicole and their dealings with her over the years. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard mentioned that the pictures of Artie bronskying Cindy earlier in the show were up on HowardStern.com. Howard said someone should send them to Dana.
Howard said he's not much of a NASCAR fan but he was reading about the 10 new channels that they're going to have on SIRIUS this year so people can tune in and listen to their favorite driver talking to his pit crew. Fred said he's not much of a NASCAR fan either but that is a pretty cool idea.
Robin started her news and the guys ended up talking about The Police after Robin talked about how they're reuniting and going out on tour. Howard and the guys talked about what a mess they looked like on the Grammy Awards the other night. Howard seems to think that Sting could just keep going out on his solo tour and perform those Police songs without the other guys and still do just fine. He and Gary argued about that for a short time.
Howard said that this guy Zach sent in 169 Baba Booey song parodies that were all cataloged and alphabetized. He played some examples of the songs but he didn't seem so thrilled with them. Robin said they were horrible and Artie said that this guy was making Bob Levy look like Dan the Song Parody Man. He also told the guy to maybe try stand-up instead of song parodies.
Artie asked Howard and Robin if they had seen the new reality TV show ''Shooting Sizemore'' yet. Howard said he was avoiding it but Artie said that it's great. He said it's tragic to watch and there are some slow moments but the show is great. Artie said that the guy is depressed and can't finish this movie he's shooting because of it. He told Robin and Howard to check it out because it really was good.
Howard played some audio clips from Sour Shoes' radio show last night. He was doing his Scott Ferrall voice and went into some songs as a tribute to Sal and Richard. He was switching between that Ferrall voice and his singing voice without skipping a beat. Artie thinks that Sour Shoes is so good that he should audition for Saturday Night Live or shows like that. They need guys who can do voices like that. Howard played some more of him doing the Ferrall impression. He also does a ''Jokey the Jack Man'' impression of Jackie the Joke Man that's actually very good. It had Artie laughing when he heard him. Robin thought that Jackie impression was very good as well.
Howard said that Sour Shoes used to follow him around on the street when he'd walk around had he had to pull him to side one day and tell him to back off. Artie said he remembers seeing him with a big keyboard hanging on his shoulder and a baseball mitt on one hand. Howard told him that he would have him on the show one day but he had to leave him alone out on the street.
Howard played some more of Sour Shoes doing his Ferrall impression and then said that the guy used to cook pancakes in front of K-Rock and Artie would actually eat them. Artie said he never did that. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Artie ran out during the news to go to the bathroom so Howard asked him if he went out to dute. Artie said he went to the bathroom but Sal was jerking him around and keeping him out of the bathroom back there. He said it just wasn't funny. Howard ended the show right after that non-story. It was about 10:40am.
Howard started off the show talking about his computer being locked up and trying to get that fixed. Scott the Engineer was working on it and had it fixed within a few seconds of the show starting. Howard asked Robin why she didn't call him back last night. Robin said she was sleeping yesterday because she's sick. He said she never calls him back when he calls her. She said she just couldn't get out of bed.
Robin said that Howard doesn't think that she knows how to check her voice mail or even her e-mail. Robin said she heard her phone ringing but she didn't even get up to look at who was calling. She's still a little stuffy today.
Howard said he gave Beth a gift for Valentine's day and he wanted her to hear what it was so she could make fun of him. Artie had an idea of what he was about to say... The marriage word. Howard said he's the one who started the rumor. Artie started laughing at Howard so he told him to stop. He joked that he bought her a Pajamagram and that was it.
Artie said they have to play the tapes of him saying that he would never get married again. Howard said he knows but now he's just engaged, and he plans on staying engaged for 10 years. Howard made the official announcement that he is engaged so the guys were all goofing on him. Fred wanted to know if he had to get married to her. Howard said it wasn't like that, she's not pregnant.
Howard said he had a nice life and he's mad at her for doing this to him. He said she did say yes when he asked her. Gary came in and asked for the specs on the ring. Howard said that back around Christmas he started thinking about this and ended up going to this guy he knew to get the ring. He said that the guy was there at SIRIUS to help him out on the whole ring thing and Beth was scheduled to come down and do some stuff for Howard TV that day. He had to ask Doug Goodstein to reschedule her.
Howard said that their life is great together and he wasn't looking for a change but there are some people who treat her like she's his ''floozy'' or something like that. He said he kind of sees what goes on with certain people so this might help.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he wishes him luck. Howard thought he was laughing at him because that's what it said on the computer screen. Dominic congratulated him on the engagement. Howard said that he's thinking of taking on Beth's last name because of the confusion with Howard K. Stern's name. Artie said that some people will get the story wrong and say that Howard K. Stern just got engaged.
Howard took a call from a guy who did laugh at Howard for getting engaged. He goofed on Howard about the whole thing. Howard went on to say that the whole thing was very romantic but Beth didn't break into tears or anything. That kind of thing has been over for years.
Howard took another call from Wolfie who said that he remembers back to 1999 when he said he would never get married again. He said it didn't take him long to change. Howard said it's been 8 years so it's been quite a while. Robin said that this has been going on for a couple of years now, it's not like it just happened.
Artie asked if he had a pre-nup in the works yet. Howard said they haven't gotten that far, but he will have one. Ronnie came in and offered to do the bachelor party for him. Howard said Ross already asked him when that's going to happen. He's still in shock over the whole thing.
Robin pointed out that Howard didn't feel up that chick who was in the studio yesterday. Howard said it would have been a bad idea to do that on the same day he was asking Beth to marry him. The guys were also talking about Beth getting pregnant and having a baby. Howard said that's just not going to happen but the guys said they can picture him walking the baby down the street in a stroller. Howard said that stuff looks like complete torture to him and he can't imagine going through that. He said he's happy for his friends who have kids but he can't go through that again.
Howard said he called Beth's parents last night to let them know what was going on. He joked that he told High Pitch Eric too. Gary said that Beth told him at one point that she was going to be ''Mrs. Stern.'' Robin couldn't believe that she missed the call about this yesterday. Howard said he tried calling her twice yesterday and he never got through.
Howard got back to the story of how all of this came about. He was thinking about it back around Christmas. He was going through that when he saw he had a guy on the phone saying that he was an asshole for getting married. Howard said he's not married yet though. He said he's not ruining anything. The guy said there's nothing wrong with stability but they already have the stability. The guy said that the fans are going to slam him over this. Howard said the engagement is off then. He was just joking but he said he couldn't take the pressure.
Howard said that he really is shaken up. He was trying to tell the story but everyone was giving him a hard time. Artie asked him when he thought that he was going to get officially engaged. Howard said he still hasn't thought about it. He said he did talk to his kids about it about a year ago and has been thinking about it for a while now. It turns out he's not as much of a player as he thought he was going to be. He doesn't need to be married but he felt that there are people who think that it's not a real relationship because they weren't married. He said that Beth doesn't seem to care if they're married but he thought it would be a nice thing to do.
Howard said he spoke to this guy Richie about getting a ring. It was around Christmas but he didn't have time to get the ring done so he got Beth a necklace instead. The guy was surprised when he asked about a ring but they put it off until after the holidays. He said he's been looking at rings for a while now and he kind of knew what she liked.
Artie interrupted and got on his megaphone as Beth and said he was knitting baby booties. He also got on as Beth's mom and goofed on him. Howard said that was it, the engagement is off. Artie did some of his own Grandma Caprio impression before Howard could do it.
Howard tried to get into the details of the ring but he wanted to know if anyone else wanted to goof on him. He said he didn't talk to Fred last night but did speak to his wife. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he's nuts for doing this. Artie said that he thinks the whole therapy thing helped him get to that point. He said he's been around people who are in awful relationships and Howard really got lucky finding this person. He'd like to bust his balls but he thinks that he's setting up a very happy ''rest of his life.'' Howard wanted to know if anyone thought it was a mistake. No one would say it was.
Howard said that they are engaged and planning to get married at some point. Artie said he thinks Howard is setting up a nice, relaxing future. He thinks it'll be a happy time for him when he retires. He'll have Beth and he'll be able to relax and vacation when he retires.
Sal came in and told Howard that he's very happy for him. Then he asked what happened to Beth saying that she never wanted to get married. Sal said that Howard is forcing her into it then. Howard said this was all his idea, she never demanded it from him. Howard said it's all his decision to go forward with it. Sal was laughing at Howard and wondering if Beth was going to want a baby. Howard said he told Beth that the baby thing isn't going to happen so Beth said that they might have to get divorced some day if she changes her mind about that.
Howard told Sal to get out of there. Sal told him that he's the one who will be in misery 10 years from now. He said that it's like Jekyll and Hyde. The guys asked Sal if he was coloring his beard because it looked kind of odd. Sal said he wasn't doing that and swore on the life of his kids he wasn't.
Benjy asked Howard if he knows what time it was that he did the engagement thing because he saw that Howard was writing about Scott DePace on their email system. Howard said it was before that and it was all over by then. He was back to work within a short amount of time.
Double A called in and congratulated Howard on the engagement. He said that he's become Howard's bro over the years and this couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Double A said he wouldn't hesitate to marry Beth if he had her, but he's not going to get married because he's having too much fun at this point.
Dominic Barbara called back in and put his wife Leslie on the phone to congratulate him. Howard thanked her for that. He joked that it would be funny if Leslie started tapping out S.O.S. on the phone to get her out of that marriage. Howard thanked her for the call and then Dominic got back on and said that they will film the pre-nup as a 3 camera shoot. He said he'd love to be part of the wedding but threw in a ''Daddy, wipe me'' joke.
Artie got on the megaphone and did his Beth impression. He was calling as Beth and saying that it was time to take little Howie to little league practice. Howard said that's it, the marriage is off. Artie continued to goof on him about that but then tried to get Howard back to the ring story.
Howard said he was looking to see if anyone who was coming in today was going to bust his balls. They didn't have any guests who were going to do that. He said he was getting woozy over this whole thing. Robin told him it was a good move and he should stop worrying about it. Howard said he can dish it out but he obviously can't take it when people goof on him.
Howard got back to the ring story and mentioned he got it yesterday. He said it looked good and he hadn't discussed it with many people at all. He said he mentioned it to his shrink and his agent and accountant. He didn't even talk to his parents about it. He didn't know why he would do that. He said his father didn't even get on the phone to talk to him least night when he let his mother know what was going on. Robin thought that was kind of crazy. He didn't even call back to talk to him after his mother was supposed to tell him about it.
Howard said that he and his father know each other about as well as two strangers on the street. The guys found it hard to believe that Ben wouldn't get on the phone with his son when something huge like that happens in his son's life. Howard said he's used to that though. He said that his mother was excited about it.
Artie was laughing at Howard about that whole thing. Howard said that got him thinking about how his father didn't call him back. He took a call from the back office where they were playing clips of his mother talking about how dreadful this was. Howard got a laugh out of that.
The news had already hit the news wire so Gary brought in the first story. Howard read the story and got a few laughs out of that. He then took a call from Blue Iris who told him that she'd blow him before he gets married. Howard thanked her for that and then Blue said that she takes the cake for giving the best blow jobs. She also told Howard that she always feels safe when she hears his voice. Blue said she's feeling good but she has to lose 30 pounds because the doctor told her to do that after she suffered her stroke.
Howard let Blue go and said that he's going to be busy today and he wasn't going to be able to give her the ring today so that's why he did it yesterday. He asked her if she wanted the gift early but demanded that she get naked for him first. She didn't want to do that because she hadn't showered and had just eaten so she felt fat. Howard said that he told her she could wait for tomorrow if she didn't get naked so that's what she said she'd do.
Howard said Beth asked him what he got her and asked if it was jewelry. He said that's not what it was but it was something she really wanted. Howard said they went to the bedroom so she could get naked for him. He said she removed her clothing and so did he. He said he had a boner so he ran into the other room and got the ring box. He said the dog was smelling his balls and ass as he was running around and that was grossing him out. He said it was really annoying. Howard said he was a nervous wreck at the time.
Howard said he hadn't prepared a speech so he wasn't quite sure how to ask her to marry him. He went into the bedroom and palmed the ring so she couldn't see it. He then told her he loves her and she means everything to him. He said he knows it's ''so gay'' and then continued the story where he said something like ''I'm asking you to spend the rest of your life with me...'' Artie did one of those coughing things where he says ''Cough..Haggot'' and Fred played some Gilbert Gottfried laughs and ''What are you a homo!?''
Howard said Beth was very surprised when she saw the ring and thought he was goofing on her or something. Howard said that if she didn't like the ring, she could have told him and he would have had it changed. He said she loved the ring and it even fit her perfectly. He didn't know what her ring size was, they just took a guess.
Robin said she saw Beth asking Bubba's wife about what cut her diamond was when they were at their wedding. Howard said Beth wanted an emerald cut so that's what he got for her. Artie said he could have hooked Howard up with his diamond guy. Howard asked him what size his diamond was. Artie's was 4 carats and Howard got Beth a 5.2 carat diamond.
Artie asked Howard if they would be laughing at him if he told them what the ring cost. Howard said ''yes'' so everyone laughed. Robin congratulated Howard on the whole thing. Howard said that he and Beth started fucking after she got the ring and they couldn't stop talking during that. He said she had a very powerful orgasm after that. Fred said it was a ''5.2 on the Richter scale.''
Howard said he made the series of phone calls to everyone after all of that. He said he called Beth's parents and spoke to her father and asked if he had his blessing. The guy, Bob, said he had to let that all sink in after he asked. He said that if he wanted him to call it all off he'd do that. Bob told him he thinks Howard is a good dude and they're a great couple. Both of her parents gave their blessings for the marriage and he said it was kind of weird to go through all of that.
Howard went on to talk about how he didn't squeeze that girl's tits on the show yesterday. He said he told Beth that he didn't do it so she told him to go ahead and do that stuff if he wants. He said he should call Beth and talk to her today. He asked Robin if she wanted to hear what she sounds like as an engaged woman. Robin did want to hear her.
Beth said that Howard was thinking of not talking about this today. Howard went on to talk about how he has no desire to have kids. Beth said she's with him on that. Beth asked if people are giving him crap already. Howard said that Artie has been on the megaphone already.
Gary came in and said that he overheard the guys in the office saying that Beth didn't want to get married and the whole kid thing could be the same way. Howard said that he's not going to allow a Wrap Up Show today and no Superfan Roundtable this week if they're going to discuss this stuff. He said they're all going to be fired if they bring it up.
Howard said that he and Beth have been together for 7 years already and they have tested the waters so he knows this will work. Howard said that these people who are making fun of him are out of line. Robin said that no one has been making fun. She was laughing as she said that.
Beth was claiming that Howard just handed over the ring and didn't really ask her to marry him. Howard said he did though. The guys ended up talking about how weird it was that Howard's dad didn't call back last night. Beth said that her father had one condition for the marriage. He doesn't want Howard calling him ''dad.'' Howard said that he said the right thing when he asked that.
Beth said that she's going out to lunch today and she'll be showing off that ring to her friends. The guys told her not to say where she was going because the paparazzi would be taking pictures of the ring. The guys asked Beth what this means to her. She said she was still letting it sink in.
Gary thinks that this is going to hit the NY Post on the cover tomorrow. Howard said he doesn't think that will happen. Gary said he's so going to be on the cover. Howard said it'll probably be a small mention somewhere, nothing big. The rest of the guys insist that it will be the cover story. Gary also said that any pictures of Beth in a wedding dress will start surfacing.
Howard said that they're very low key and not looking for any attention. Robin said that there will be no quiet ceremony. Beth said she doesn't want people asking for a date because they haven't set it up. Robin said that they can't have a small ceremony, they have to have everyone there. Beth said this is the most beautiful Valentine's Day of her life. Gary added ''...except when you give birth.'' Howard said that if they had seen Beth stripping down last night, they wouldn't have had a second thought either.
Artie said that whenever he gave Dana a gift, she would make him put on more clothing. Beth said that while they were having sex last night, she was staring at her ring with her hand up in the air. She said that they had a fun time doing that. She said they have a great sex life. She thinks that they have gotten very comfortable with each other over the past 7 years and she can see it getting more comfortable. Howard told her not to get too comfortable though.
Howard took another call form the back office. It was the guys playing clips of Ben Stern talking about marriage and telling Howard that divorce is very popular these days. Beth thought it was really Ben, not knowing that they were playing audio clips. Ben told Howard that he was wrong for doing this and he shouldn't go through with it. Howard said that was Sal having a field day back there.
Beth said that the ring is not obnoxious and it was very beautiful. She said she doesn't want to take it off but she has to go to the gym today. She said that was very sad that she had to take it off. Beth said that their dog was screaming in pain from the ice out on the street this morning. The salt they put down on the street eats away at the dog's feet. Beth said there is a salt out there that doesn't hurt the animal's paws so she wants to find out more about that. The salt they use now gets into Bianca's ''vagine'' because she sits in it when her feet start to hurt. She said that it doesn't just hurt the animals, it gets on little kids and stuff when they're being walked around on the street.
Artie said that Beth was making a good point and she should keep it in mind for when she has a kid in a couple of years. Howard told him that's not funny and asked him why he's there, doesn't he have a FOX deal? Beth got back to the salt thing and said she really wants to find out more about the special salt so she can try to do something about it. Robin and Artie congratulated Beth on her engagement as Howard was letting her go.
Howard played the prank call he played yesterday where Richard calls a pharmacy and has some dry heaving problems. He used a porn sound clip of a guy cumming in a very loud way as his dry heaving sound. Richard told Howard that he came up with some new song parodies with that cumming sound clip in it. Howard played those songs which included a Who song and a Bon Jovi song.
Howard asked if the guys wanted to see this guy cumming. Richard said he loves to see guys shooting their loads, he's not sure why, but it turns him on. Howard thought that was kind of weird and maybe gay. Howard said that in that part of the porn you're looking at a dude finishing so he thinks it's kind of gay. Artie said he gets kind of grossed out by that. Richard said he pictures that he's the guy so that's why he gets off on it. Howard had to go to break right after that.
Lisa G came in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that she was so mad at herself for not asking him what he was doing for Valentine's Day this year. Howard told her not to make a big deal out of this whole thing, it's not that big of a deal. She asked Howard about the ring setting and if it had diamonds around the big diamond. Howard gave her a couple of details about that but Lisa said she had mixed feelings about this whole thing.
Lisa said that Howard has changed now and it's not the same Howard she knew before. She said he was the one who didn't want to get married. She said that they'll have full team coverage on today's Howard 100 News. That was all she had for them. Howard said she really was shook up by this whole thing. Howard told Fred that nothing has changed though. Fred said he's happy if Howard is happy.
Benjy asked Howard if he could guarantee there would be no third marriage. Robin thinks that this could make the long haul. She said that Howard has gone through a lot of therapy and he's bonding with people differently now. She thinks that it really could last.
Howard said he's excited but also nervous about this whole engagement. He said he doesn't want things to ever go bad. Howard said he's afraid that things m