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Howard started off the show complaining about having gas this morning and then blew his first official wind into the microphone. He said he loves the smell. Artie moved his food away from him as soon as he could. Howard wondered if that was his vending machine food. Artie said it was actually one of his mother's sandwiches that he talked about on Friday. Howard said it wasn't as big as he thought it would be. It looked delicious to Howard. It had Zucchini, fried chicken and vinegar and oil on it.
Fred played a new song parody about Artie loving the food in the vending machine. Howard also talked about how great it was when they put up the picture of Artie coming back from the vending machine up on HowardStern.com He said that the news team did a report about Artie using the vending machine so much that the guy who fills the machine has to come back even more often now. They interviewed a couple of guys from the company and they're thrilled about Artie's addiction.
Howard said that Walt Sabo told him that they should be asking the company why they don't start a second or third row of what Artie likes because they run out of the stuff he eats. Artie agreed and would love if they did that. Howard said they could get rid of the Life Savers and things like that to make room for what Artie likes. Artie said that he has the same tastes that a lot of other people like and that's why it runs out so quick.
Robin said there's some kind of cookie in the machine that has half the calories of regular cookies. Artie said he hasn't even seen that. When he does see something like that, he doesn't even try it. He said it's like getting half a blow job.
Artie said that he didn't want to be phony with the Better Half show so he had to tell everyone. Artie said that he and Dana talked about that and he agreed to go to a therapist. He said that she never called him back after he talked to her about doing that.
Artie said that he got depressed about Dana not calling him back and slept almost the whole weekend. He said he got up at 2 in the afternoon yesterday and read the paper. He never called Dana back and she never called him. He said it may not have been the best move on his part. Artie said he told Dana that he would go to therapy so that's what he's going to do. Dana also agreed to do the Better Half show because they never officially broke up... even though they haven't been speaking for weeks.
Artie said that Dana may have moved on already but he won't know until tomorrow night. He said he's going to see a therapist either way though. Robin said it was fascinating to hear Artie on the Wrap Up Show last Friday. Fred was also on the show and had a few words for them.
Howard said that he has moved on but Infinity Broadcasting hasn't. He said that they're giving him a hard time but he can't talk about that right now. He said he will talk about it in the future though. Howard went on to talk about how his show helped make Viacom / Infinity Broadcasting what they became. He said he wants them to leave him the F alone but they're still doing stuff to him that seems pretty personal to him. He said that all hell is breaking loose over at the company from what his guys hear. He said that David Lee Roth and Mark Chernoff were screaming at each other chest to chest from what he heard. Mark is a little guy from what Howard said. The whole new format of the old station, FreeFM, is like Howard Stern knock-offs and he feels he gave them enough in return over the years.
Howard said that David Lee Roth was upset that they're putting someone else on in place of him while he's on vacation. Howard said that the guy has only been there about a month and he's already taking a weeks vacation. Howard said he's so into this new job of his that he's not taking a week long vacation this month like he could have.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk to Artie about Dana but he ended up talking about how great the new show is now that he's on satellite. Howard said that he really was down while he was at K-Rock and now he's free. He talked about how horrible it was having 22 minutes of commercials when he was on K-Rock. The breaks were so long that they were the length of a sitcom. People could watch an episode of Friends in the time it took them to run commercials. The caller said that the new show really is great. Howard said he can't stand to take breaks anymore and he can go for a really long time without taking those few minutes of commercials that he does have now.
Howard said that he has only 2 breaks an hour now and it's great. The caller said that Howard can now give us an extra hour of show each day without those 22 minutes of commercials per hour. The caller was telling Howard how great SIRIUS is and his friend started yelling in the background. That led to the guys talking about how strange that sounded. It was one dude in the background so Howard wondered what kind of partying was going on there. The guy said that his girlfriend and his female roommate were both sleeping so there wasn't anything weird going on.
Howard wanted the guy to go have sex with his girlfriend so the guy went in his room and woke her up. She sounded upset that he was waking her up though. Howard told her to kiss her ''down south'' but she kicked him as he went down there. Then his friends came in the room and yelled out that they were all going to bone her. She kicked them out and slammed the door on him. The caller asked Artie if he's bummed about the Dana thing. Artie said that he is bummed even though they're not officially broken up yet. He said it seems like it's very near.
The woman on the phone said that her husband eventually started going to an exclusive men's golf course. Artie said that he and Dana have had a lot of great times over the past four years. He knows that he needs to go to therapy to help him out. The woman kept interrupting him so Artie yelled out ''Let me finish cunt!'' He said he was just joking around but it sounded like he was serious. He then went on to say that he never hit Dana or did anything like that to her. He said he thinks they can work things out but Howard told him that Artie sees things differently than Dana does. He said that he wants Dana to move in with him but he doesn't want her dog living in the house. He wants to throw money at the situation and that's not what Dana wants.
Artie said that he wants to see the next guy that Dana goes with to see what kind of dream boat she's looking for. He said that he sees these friends of his who have lives with kids and families and that's what he's looking for but he can't quite get there. Howard said that he just can't open up and have that life because he's afraid of the hard times. He said that Artie has to commit and make that stuff the most important stuff in his life.
Robin said that happened to Gary one day and that's why he got married and had kids. Artie said that in the next week or so he knows that he may be broken up with Dana and he wants to take notes from the person she hooks up with next. Howard asked Artie if he would give up alcohol for Dana. He said he would so Howard said that Dana should grab him now if that's the case. Artie said he would try to give up drinking completely if he had to choose between the two.
Howard said that if Dana and Artie's mother got into an argument and Dana told Artie that he had to choose between them, who would he choose. Artie said that he would stick with Dana and he learned that from his mother. He said that he would stick up for his wife in a situation like that. Howard then asked Artie what he would do if Dana's dog was drowning and he had to give it mouth to mouth. Artie said he'd probably say that he had a bad knee.
Gary came in and said that he is no where near Artie's league but when Artie's wife comes to him and tells him to do something while he's watching a game, he's going to be very resentful. Howard said that he was that kind of guy who wouldn't move when asked to do something and look where he ended up. Gary told Artie to think about what would happen if Dana asked him to go somewhere while he's trying to watch the NCAA finals. Artie said he's been in that kind of situation with his family and he deals with it.
Howard had an audio clip of Artie's mother talking to Howard 100 News about the situation. Penny Crone did the interview and asked Artie's mother about what she thinks of the counseling thing. His mother thought that Artie going to therapy is a pretty big priority for him. Artie said he's going to call a guy and make things happen. Howard said it would have been funny if Artie picked up the phone and did his impression of a woman like Ronnie did to Penny last week.
Artie said that he got a call from Joey Boots last night and talked to him a little bit. That led to Howard asking if Cabbie calls him because he gets calls from him and he's never around when he calls. Artie said he hasn't heard from him but he may have gotten a message once. Gary came in and said that Cabbie used to call him in the mornings but they haven't heard from him since they got there. He's going to send him a letter to let him know what's going on there. Cabbie is going to be in jail until July of this year. He was given a full year sentence and doesn't have the ability to get any time off.
Artie said he's really gotten into Bubba's show because it's really good. Howard talked about how they showed some of Bubba's work out equipment on the Tucker Carlson show last week. Howard said that Bubba should be really chiseled if he's actually using all of that stuff. Robin said that Bubba also has friends who he owns stuff with.
Artie got in some plugs for some shows that he's doing this week on SIRIUS. He said that he'll be on Jim Breuer's show on Friday and on Raw Dog Comedy today at Noon. Gary said that he'll also be making a couple of appearances on The Wrap Up Show this week. Howard told him that he should be having Fred on that show as well.
Artie told the guys about a joke that he had to take out of his DVD because Dana didn't like it. It was something about how he didn't want her dog coming over to his place because he's even grossed out when she shits at his apartment. He said that joke will be right back in the act if they break up. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Artie had just gone to see Billy a week and a half ago so he and Howard spent a couple of minutes going over the set lists that the did. Howard's concert sounded different than the one Artie went to see. Howard gave the list of great songs that Joel performed and talked about how great the guy was. Howard said there were even some songs that he wasn't a big fan of and he even liked those. Howard played some ''Goodnight Saigon'' and talked about how great that performance was.
Howard said that ''Pressure'' was never one of those songs that he liked but after the concert he walked out singing it to himself. Some of the other songs he mentioned being played were...
Howard said that the guy claims that they're letting anyone in but they are trying to back up these Catholic values. Artie said he'd be worried about letting someone do something like that where they target a certain religion on a 5000 acre spot. Robin said that Religion and race are different things and Howard had asked about this thing as if it were a race thing at the start.
Lisa said that they have a major update on Cabbie who has been moved to a mental facility up in Massachusetts. Howard said that must be why he's getting the phone calls. Artie said that Cabbie must have lost in the middle of his run and that sucks. Howard said he feels so bad for Cabbie. He knew that something was up when he started getting some crazy writings from him. He said he could tell the guy was going a little nuts when he'd get the writings up and down the sides of the paper and things like that.
Howard told Gary about the Howard 100 News update and he wasn't aware of that either. Robin said that maybe they can visit Cabbie if he's no longer in prison. Gary interrupted and said that the guy who fills the vending machine speaks no English so they'll have an interpreter help out with the conversation. The guy was putting away his food so it doesn't get stolen.
Lisa told Howard that they have another report about sex addiction that they'll be doing a follow up on. Howard said that doesn't relate to him so he's not interested in that. She also said that they have an interview with Bobby Slayton
Jose knew that Artie was the guy eating most of the food and he does have to come back in 3 times a week now because of the amount of food that Artie eats. He said he used to come 2 times a week. He even said that it's the Pop Tarts and Famous Amos cookies that Artie eats. He asked to see Artie's stomach to see where all of the food was. Artie threw the guy a $20 and told him to come back 4 times a week. He also asked him to add a Jack Daniels row in there.
Howard said that it's all because of Artie that they have to come back 3 times a week. Artie said that there are other people who eat out of that machine. Jose mentioned a few of the other things in the machine that Artie eats but Artie denied eating Doritos. He said he's only had them about twice. Robin said that she saw someone buying the Popcorn the other day and if they take that away for Artie's junk, they're going to upset someone else.
Jose was saying that he doesn't know how much money the machine takes in, he just gives it to his boss. He said that the machine is always full when he gets there every other day during the week. Howard said that Artie made the vending machine a profitable business.
Artie said that they can get rid of the Life Savers but Jose said that people do buy them. Jose said that everything sells in that machine. Artie said that they could also get rid of the regular M&Ms and replace them with peanut M&Ms. He would also like to have them add Devil Dogs instead of pretzels. He told Jose that he'd have to put up a cot there if they put them in there. Jose wasn't familiar with them so the guys tried to describe them to him.
Howard thanked Jose for coming in and Robin apologized for working him so hard since Artie started. Jose told the interpreter that he was very nervous meeting Howard. Howard tried to speak to him in his own language but that didn't work out very well. Jose said that he has seen Howard's TV show so he does know of him. Howard thanked him again and let Jose go. The interpreter is Gino the Latino from channels 90 and 92 there at SIRIUS. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard and the guys talked about the Dancing with the Stars show and how lame the finale was. Howard said that Jerry Rice was kept in way too long in that show. He said that Stacy Keibler had 15 years of dance experience and the whole show was ridiculous because she was basically a pro. He said he was laughing his ass off when she got kicked off the show. He said he was trying to figure out why he wasn't attracted to her. He said that there was just something that turned him off to her.
Howard said that Beth was out in Pittsburgh yesterday so he and his dog were just sitting around doing nothing. He said that he figured he'd jerk off and when Lisa Rinna came walking out on that show, he got really turned on. He doesn't know if it's because she's been calling in or what. He said he was on the phone with Ralph last night when she was on and they both thought she looked great. Ralph was on the phone this morning too so he and Howard talked about that for a short time.
Howard said that he was going to rub one out to Lisa but figured he'd wait until after the show before doing it. Ralph was saying that Stacy Keibler looks kind of like a praying mantis. Howard said that's what he said last night and he thought that was pretty funny.
Howard said there was something else going on with that show. He said that Drew Lachey's wife was pregnant and she was kind of chubby looking on the show. He said she looks kind of strange and he gets the feeling that once the baby is born, he's going to leave her for his dance partner. Howard said the partner isn't all that pretty but she does have a great body.
Howard said that Drew has to be having feelings for that chick. If he was dancing with her, he knows he'd be having feelings for her. Howard wondered why it is that everyone hates George Hamilton so much. Ralph said he doesn't hate him. Howard said the guy just seems like a scumbag to him for some reason. Robin said that he just got into show business because he was a good looking guy, he can't act. Howard also talked about Master P and wondered if he's a little slow or something. Robin said she wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. He also said that Gisele Fernandez looks like a dirty girl who could F you like no one else.
Gary came in and said that he had some stuff about Master P who represented Ricky Williams and screwed up his football deal. Howard knew about that whole thing and wondered how this guy makes his money. Gary said the guy is like a mini-P. Diddy because he has all kinds of side businesses.
The guys spent some time talking about some of the other contestants on that show and how they basically ruined the show with the 2 hour finale. Ralph said he watched the whole show but fast forwarded through most of it.
Howard got back to his ''whackin' it'' story. He said he just started doing himself and thought about a couple of chicks that he has banged in the past. He said that he was thinking about one chick in the beginning but switched over to another chick near the end.
Ralph said that it was great when Stacy Keibler got kicked off the show and started crying. Howard wondered if she's really a wrestler. Ralph was also saying that Jerry Rice was saying that winning the show was just as important as winning the Super Bowl. Howard said it sounds like that guy has completely lost it.
Howard talked about American Idol a little bit and mentioned one guy on there who has way too many teeth. Robin said that he should definitely go see the dentist before the season is over. Artie wondered how they can watch that show at all because he really doesn't get how anyone can sit and watch that crap. He didn't even realize that Howard had changed the subject to American Idol. He thought they were still talking about the dance show.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's perfect for Artie. She's a blind chick who brought her father in last June for a contest. No one remembered what she looked like. Gary said that there was one hot chick back then but he doesn't remember this chick. Howard had to hang up on her so he could move on to Donald Trump. He got a hold of a picture of that chick and said she was okay but didn't think Artie would want to date her. He had to take a break before bringing in Trump.
Robin brought up the fight that Trump had with Martha Stewart last week and wondered if he did that to get some publicity for his show. He said he would never do anything like that, he had to defend himself against the things Martha was saying about him. He said that his show was the number one show on TV and she was claiming that she was going to fire him from the show when her show started. He said that wasn't going to happen.
Howard said that Martha was saying that Mark Burnett came to her and said that the plan was to fire Donald from the show. Howard said that he's not sure Martha was really criticizing Donald. Trump said that you just don't fire someone when their show is number one in the ratings.
Howard brought up this tape where Jack Black criticized him on some other show. Jack came on the show after Howard had gone off on him for a month about it and it turns out the tape wasn't nearly as bad as he thought it was. Maybe that's the way things will be with Donald and Martha. Donald goes on the defense when his name is brought up and he may have overreacted to what Martha said.
Trump said that he did that with AJ Benza when he called the show and went off on him about stealing his girlfriend. It was one of the most entertaining arguments Howard ever heard. Now he can't play the tape since Infinity won't allow it.
Donald told Howard that he and Martha really were friends before all of this went down. He said he really didn't have anything to do with the deal she had to do her own show. Howard thinks that maybe he'll get over the whole thing eventually but Trump said that he'll get over it when Howard gets over all of his little arguments. Howard said that it's tough for him to forgive anyone but he does it once in a while. Trump said that he rarely gets over stuff like that.
Trump's son Don said that he rarely forgives anyone for anything they say. Don also said that his father treats them the same way he would treat other people so they have to watch what they say. Howard said it must be hard to be Trump's kids. Ivanca said that her father just tells them how he feels about anything they ask him about. Howard asked them if they went up to their father and said ''f-you'' would he be able to forgive them and hug them. Ivanca said she would never say anything like that to him and there are better ways to approach him.
Trump said that he would cut them right out of his will if they did something like that. Trump was smiling when he said that but the kids said he was serious. Howard asked if the kids know what kind of money they're going to get. Trump said that the kids have never brought it up to him because it's probably not a pleasant discussion to have about him dying.
Howard asked if the kids are upset that Donald has a new baby coming along. Trump said that Don and Ivanca and soon Eric will all be working for him and he will be doing stuff for them so they probably won't lose out to the younger kid. Howard asked if it was true that the kids were calling the new baby ''parasite'' as he had heard. Ivanca said that wasn't true. Don joked that their offices must be bugged but he was just joking around.
Howard spoke to Ivanca and Don and found out that they got over 1500 scores on their SAT tests. Donald said that he produces very smart children. He said that his 12 year old daughter Tiffany is also doing very well in school. Howard asked the kids to answer a math question since they scored near 800 on their math SATs. No one came up with the correct answer but they were under a bit of pressure.
Robin said that Martha Stewart was saying that she took great offense to Donald's attacks on her daughter. Trump said that the two of them were fighting over the same man from what he heard. He said that Martha actually stole the guy away from her daughter but that was just a rumor. He said he wishes Martha luck with her career. He said that her show just didn't have what it took to make it.
Howard said that he read some good reviews about Trump's new show and they've apparently rejuvenated it with the new cast. Howard got back to Ivanca and said that she's very beautiful and talked to her for a minute. Then Artie let it be known that he's almost single. He said that would be Trump's worst nightmare for him to date Ivanca. Trump said that would be a ''terrible, terrible thing'' if Artie dated her. He said he could honestly think of worse people who could date her though. Howard asked him if she married Artie, would his daughter be allowed at Maralago down in Florida. Trump said she wouldn't even be his daughter anymore.
Ivanca said that there are some drawbacks to being Donald Trump's daughter and relationships are one of the toughest things. Robin wondered if Donald is going to introduce his daughter to her future mate like he did with his son. Ivanca said that she's concentrating on work right now and she's not looking for a relationship at this time. She did talk about a guy she dated for a while and said that she's still friends with him. She said she dated the guy for 3 years.
Howard asked the kids what they're up to these days. They said that they're working with their father's company developing many properties around the world. Howard asked Ivanca if she's still friendly with her mother. She said she is so Howard asked them who she would save if she had to save either her mother or father if they were in a sinking boat. Ivanca said she would probably drown herself so she wouldn't have to make that decision. She didn't want to give an answer because it was so tough.
Gary came in and told Howard that they only had one more minute left with them. They had to get running over to FOX news. Howard asked Ivanca if she had anything on her horizon as far as dating. She said that right now she's just having some fun and hanging out with her friends. Donald thinks that she should get married by the time she's 28 or 30. He said that if she doesn't meet the right guy then she shouldn't worry about getting married.
Howard wrapped up with everyone and gave Donald a plug for his new travel web site GoTrump.com where you can book hotels and flights. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Ivanca is quite a package. She's like 5'10'' tall and beautiful. He and Artie talked about the time that Artie repeated some of his jokes that he did at Trump's roast. Trump turned on Artie that day and now he hates him.
Joan came in a short time later and told Howard about that guy she was talking to on that show and how the guy had been divorced 3 times. Howard told her that she did a great job defending herself there. He said that you really do have to wail on someone like that. Joan said that the show was about a woman who photograph's plants.
Howard talked to Joan about Donald Trump's daughter Ivanca and how gorgeous she was. Joan said that a friend of hers did an interview with her and said she was also very nice.
Joan was wearing an outfit that was green so Howard asked her about that. She told him that she actually got it for free. She had a fur around her neck so he asked her if that was real. She joked that she's a vegan and then said that she believes in wearing anything that covers up her body. Howard asked her if she ever gets people asking her why she wears real furs. She said that happens to her all the time. Howard said that maybe people are jealous that the fur has a better life than they do.
Howard asked Joan if she was impressed with the new face transplant procedure they did over in England. Joan said she's thrilled and would love to have Angelina Jolie's lips put on her face. Howard said that Joan was let go by E! so he wondered if there's anyone out there who will pay for the E! channel if the FCC breaks up the cable companies channel line ups. Joan said that E! was very good to her... not money wise, but they were good to her. She said she actually has to watch what she says because she never knows where she's going to end up. Joan said she's still working for the TV Guide channel doing the red carpet shows. She said she wanted to do her own interview show over there but they didn't want to let her do that.
Howard asked Joan about Star Jones taking over for her and asked if she's seen that mess. Joan said she never wanted to watch the show after she took over. Joan said that there are some people out there who won't even talk to her now that she's not on E!. She said that Ryan Seacrest is one guy who won't talk to her. Annette Benning and Diane Keaton won't talk to her either. She said that there are some people who know that it's a joke and have fun talking to her about their clothes.
Howard said that Joan is looking really good these days. She said she hasn't had any work done in the past 5 years or so but it is about time to have some more done. Howard asked Joan if they've spoken since Johnny passed away. She went on to say a few things about Johnny holding a grudge against her for 17 years. She said that was crazy. Howard said that he would never ban anyone from making a living no matter how much they bad mouthed him. He doesn't get where Johnny was coming from with that.
Howard asked Joan about what Ben Stein did to her. He apparently made up some stuff about her and wrote an article about her. Joan sued him and won but she got a tiny retraction. She said that she got really mad because it hurt her daughter when she read that her mother had been laughing at her late husband's funeral. She said when they hit her kids, she gets pissed.
Joan has dated gay men in her life and has had sex with them. Howard asked her about that and found out that she was engaged to a guy who was gay. She said that she wouldn't do that now though. She said that she does go on Match.com
and tries to get dates but that hasn't worked out very well for her. She said she has to lie about her age and that doesn't help. She said that she's so old that her vagina is on the floor. She said it looks like Willie Nelson or a toothless old man smiling at you. She didn't want to talk about her shaving down there when Howard started asking her about that.
Howard gave Joan a plug for her upcoming red carpet coverage of the Oscars this coming weekend. Howard said he would like to sit and watch that but he has a hard time finding the TV Guide Channel. Joan told Howard that her daughter Melissa has her own show over at the TV Guide Channel now. She mentioned something about her daughter dating a rock star but she couldn't tell Howard who it was. She said that he would have to get her on the show to talk about it herself. She also said that she dated a top skate boarder for a little while as well.
Joan said that Oprah Winfrey is another one who doesn't keep in touch with her and she was the first one to put Oprah on TV. She said that she doesn't think she hates her but she also doesn't invite her to any of her parties or anything.
Howard gave Joan a few more plugs for her stuff and then said that he got a hold of a picture of Melissa with this rock star guy. He got the picture off of WireImage.com. Joan begged him not to mention who it was so Howard kept his mouth shut. He Pent a few more minutes talking to her and then wrapped up and went to break.
Jon Hein was in to give an update on what The Wrap Up Show had coming up. They're going to be talking about what goes on out in the halls when Donald Trump shows up for an interview. Gary and Jon said that Donald was kind of upset that the cameras were bothering him. Gary said that Trump asked him to keep the cameras away from him because they were annoying him. Jon said that they'll also be talking about Donald's kids. They'll be talking about Joan Rivers as well.
Sal the Stockbroker will be on the Wrap Up Show to talk about how Joan owes him some money for some jokes he wrote for her one time. She never paid him for the jokes even after she bought 6 of them at $15 each. Howard wondered why he didn't come in and talk about this on the air. Sal said he didn't want to disrupt the show. He may have made the right decision because he wasn't sure if Joan actually ever used those jokes in her act.
Jon mentioned that they'll be talking about Cabbie a little bit and about Artie and Dana's relationship. Jon said that Dana is still scheduled to appear on The Better Half which airs tomorrow night at 7pm. Howard said that Beth is actually flying in from Pittsburgh tomorrow to do that show. Howard told Jon to make sure that Mr. X doesn't try to tell jokes when he's asked about stuff like how he and Robin met. He always wants to be a comedian on the show and they don't need that on the Better Half show.
Howard brought up how some news reporters are finally picking up on the fact that Oprah Winfrey is getting away with saying some stuff on her show that he could never get away with. She can say at the beginning of her show that it's a serious discussion and she gets away with it. Howard played a clip of John Gibson talking to Dr. Laura Berman about what Oprah said on her show and how Howard Stern could never get away with that. Dr. Berman said that it's all about the context that the stuff is discussed in. Howard said that in other words, it's okay for women to talk about it with other women but when men talk about it, there's something wrong with it. Like when they joke about it it's less legitimate. Howard gave a thumbs up to John Gibson over at FOX for pointing out the ridiculousness of that woman's argument.
Howard said he heard that Jeff Conaway returned to Celebrity Fit Club but he didn't know about that so he didn't watch. He did have some audio from the show though. In the clip Conaway was crying when he entered the room. He said he was a little emotional but he would get past that. He then explained how his lord, savior and creator put him through a test by taking a bunch of stuff away from him. He said he was failing the test... Then he found Jesus.
He also went on to talk about how he didn't do any drugs on that day and how the Benedryl he took could have caused his drowsiness. One of the guys on the show said that he was questioning the slurred speech and other things that Jeff was doing that day.
Howard said that he read that Johnny Rotten wrote a letter to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame after hearing that the Sex Pistols were going to be inducted. He said that the Hall of Fame is a piss hole and he and his band mates would never show up to be inducted. Howard said the guy couldn't just accept it and get over the fact that the band is popular.
Gary came in and told Howard a story about Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols went with him to Scores one night. When they were in there Jones asked Gary if it was okay for him to take his cock out. Gary told him that might be a bad idea. Howard told him he should have just told him to go for it so Lonnie could have had him arrested.
Howard played the audio from Oprah's show where she was talking about sex addiction and different penises scaring her. She said some stuff about men ejaculating in a woman's face and things like that. He said that he saw that the Drudge Report picked up on that crap too so he's happy to see that.
Howard, who was changing subjects every few seconds, said that he loves to see ''Crocodile Dundee 2'' when it's on TV. Gary said the first one was great but not number 2. Howard mentioned one of the scenes that he liked in the movie and recited some of the lines he liked and said he really loves the movie.
Howard went on to play the call where he did his ''ex-spear-a-mint.'' In the call Sal was using a modulator voice so his voice was really deep. He was throwing around the N-word with the guy and trying to convince him that he was a black guy he knew. The guy knew that he was a ''cracker'' and that he had looked through the white pages to find his number. Howard thought Sal sounded like a black guy in the beginning and he's surprised that he didn't fool the guy.
Sal was saying that he went through an X-Ray class and found out that you have to turn up the voltage on the machine when x-raying black people because their skulls are thicker. Artie asked him if he learned that from his father at the pizzeria or in school. Sal swears he learned that in class. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard started off the show talking about Tim Sabean's e-mail and how he's got all kinds of cool logos included in it. He said that he's so computer illiterate that he doesn't know how to make that happen for his own mail. Rev. Bob Levy was sitting in this morning and said that he doesn't know how to do that stuff either, he just knows the bulletin boards and porn.
Howard talked about how illiterate Bob seems to be when he gets mail from him. He said he's writing at the level of about a 6th grader. He said that Tim isn't much better because he asked him to have a little patience but spelled it ''patients.''
The guys were goofing on Bob this morning about the way his arms flail around when he talks too. They thought that was pretty funny. Howard also pointed out that Artie got a case of Devil Dogs yesterday and he's already started eating through the case. Artie said that he tried to start jogging yesterday but that turned out to be a disaster. He said the kid he had load up his iPod screwed up and gave him some stuff he doesn't want to hear. He told Howard that he was trying to jog on a treadmill and had it turned up to 6. He only lasted a few minutes at that.
Howard had a picture of Artie from when he was in high school so he showed it to everyone. They said his smile was a little crooked. Bob said his suit looked pretty bad and he must have bought it from ''Please Don't Fuck Me.''
Howard gave Bob a plug for a show he's doing out in Scottsdale, Arizona at Mardi Gras this weekend. You can get more info at VotsLive.com or revboblevy.net. That led to Howard talking to Bob about his ass eating bit that he does during his comedy show. Bob said he can't even spell so he doesn't worry about catching anything.
Bob told Howard that he and his wife are getting along very well right now but he's still living in his basement and jerking off in a sock. He and Howard talked about how it seems like it's marriage that ruins things in a relationship. Bob thinks that there's an expiration date for fuckin' chicks and sometimes it's the day you put that ring on their finger.
Howard talked to Artie about taking Dana on vacation and bringing a diamond with him. He didn't bring the ring, just the diamond. He was going to ask her if she liked that before actually getting it set. They talked about that whole deal and how great Artie has it right now. His mother cooks him all the food he wants and a great apartment. Bob said he's also got that half a ring that he was going to give to Dana. They were goofing on him about that and Bob was flailing around again so Artie told him to calm down over there.
Artie was afraid that Levy was going to whack him in the head. Fred played some Joe Cocker music since Bob tends to flail around just like Cocker does. Howard sang along to the song while Bob and Artie were inserting their own lyrics.
Artie said he can't wait for Mike to call in this week. Gary said he's going to have to take the brunt of the scolding when Mike calls in this week. They had that fart mixed in with Mike's conga playing and also with the ''Addams Family'' theme song. Howard said he could also play the conga and fart sounds to any song the caller wanted to hear. The caller suggested Metallica's ''Ain't My Bitch.'' Fred found the song and Howard played the Mike Walker fart and conga clips to the song.
Howard asked Bob about the upcoming Daniel Carver roast. Bob was rattling off the names and said ''Lisa Lampigneli'' which was nowhere near the correct pronunciation. It's Lampanelli. Next month the guys are supposed to roast KC Armstrong but Bob said he wants to get him into town 2 days early to make sure he shows up for the thing. He's known for being a no-show at some events. Bob wondered if KC would snap if he gets roasted. Howard isn't sure if that would happen but you never know.
Howard took a call from Blue Iris who said she's going to be coming in to see him soon. They want her to ride the Sybian and she's all up for it. Howard is afraid that she's too old to handle that.
Blue told Howard that she once had sex with a guy who had Cerebral Palsy. She said it was years ago when she was in the hospital. She also claims that she had sex with an orderly in her most recent hospital visit. She said that he was a good looking guy too. Howard wanted to know how she seduced him. She said that she didn't need to, he came in to massage her and she got him. Howard figured that she didn't look her best laying in bed in the hospital. She said she didn't but she doesn't have varicose veins or any hair growing out of her chin like Howard thought she did.
Blue told Howard that the orderly came in to massage her and started out at her neck and shoulders. He told her that she had a sexy body. Bob asked her ''And this blind nurse, what else did he have to say?'' Blue told Howard that the guy eventually banged her and he went in there bareback. She said that he was on top of her and she didn't have to lube herself up, she didn't need anything.
The guys were having some fun with her and Blue seemed to be getting a little irritated with the questioning. Artie told her that she's really hot for an 80 year old but ''insanely ugly'' for a 20 year old. Howard asked her when she stopped menstruating. She said that she stopped when she was about 49 years old. Bob said that was about 60 years ago.
Howard asked Blue if the orderly ever came back to do her again. She said she never saw him again. He just came in and did her one time and left. Howard said he guesses that's better than doing dead chicks in the morgue. She said that she didn't find it odd that the guy never came back to her. She figures the guy just went nuts. Howard said he's probably one of those old lady rapists and he thinks he got away with raping her but didn't realize that she wanted it from him.
Richard Christy asked Blue where the orderly finished. Blue said that he finished outside of her. Howard figures he was running away from her when he finished. Blue said that he dropped off his load on her stomach. She said she ended up rubbing it on her face. Artie said that was probably the grossest, funniest story he's ever heard. Blue said that the guy left the room after that. He told her to sleep tight and gave her a kiss on her ear.
Robin asked Blue if the guy tried to stick her legs behind her ears while he was having sex with her. Howard said he would have broken her legs if he did that. Artie asked her if the guy moved her breasts to kiss her feet. They were on a roll with the jokes between Artie and Bob.
Howard asked Blue if she's got a huge bush down there. She said she does so Richard said he's afraid that she's going to clog up the Sybian. Blue said she's ready to come out there to ride that thing any night except Monday nights. She works on Monday's at a comedy club out in California. Howard asked her to do about a minute of her act. Blue did a bit about toilet paper that didn't go over very well. Howard asked her if she performs outside of the Comedy Store or inside. She claims it's inside.
Howard asked Blue to give them her best material. She told a joke about coffee and pussy but that one didn't go over very well either. Gary came in and told Howard that they have to wait 14 days to bring Blue in because they want to get a better price on a flight for her. Howard told him that's ridiculous and told Gary to get her there. Bob said that she could be dead in 2 weeks. Gary asked Howard if Blue is of full mental capacity. Howard thought that was kind of rude and apologized to Blue for that. That led to Howard telling Blue to ask Gary a question. She did it as a joke and asked when President Reagan got Alzheimers. Gary said it was the early 90s. Blue said it was in his second year.
Tim Sabean came in and said that they can get Blue in there soon, not the two weeks that he had told Gary. Howard said that they'll see her in 2 weeks or sooner and let her go.
The caller asked to play a Stump the Comedian thing with Bob Levy. Howard said that was Jackie's thing though and he wasn't sure he wanted to do that. He eventually asked Gary if they had anything to give the guy as a prize. He found out he had a $500 prize to give the guy if he could stump Bob and/or Artie. Here are his questions...
Howard brought up Rosie O'Donnell since he saw her out at a restaurant the other night. He was told by his buddy Richie that Rosie didn't want to sit near him so she was on the far side of the place. Howard said that he did see her back when he went to the bathroom and her back was wider than Artie's. He said he really doesn't have a problem with her but Rosie apparently doesn't want anything to do with him.
Benjy told Howard that Rosie has a poem about Howard on her blog. He read that poem and she said that she really doesn't hate Howard. Benjy gave it a nice read too. It was actually pretty complimentary to Howard. He's actually read her blog a few time and enjoyed it. Levy said that maybe they could roast her. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he hasn't listened to Bob's show yet because there's so much going on. Bob said the show is back to one hour after it had gone to 2 hours for one week. He said that's what Tim Sabean wants because they have the replay shows to play. Howard gave a quick rundown of the shows they have coming up on Howard 101. The Intern Show is on Wednesday, Superfan Roundtable is on Thursday and then Red Peters Comedy Hour is on Friday night. They all air at 7pm Eastern time.
Governor Patacki sent Howard a note where he said that CBS is crazy to him for this whole lawsuit thing. Howard quickly read that and then read some articles about the news that SIRIUS has 4 million subscribers now. They're predicting 6 million by the end of the year.
Howard read some news about the news that Katie Couric is leaving the Today Show and he doesn't think it's as big of a deal as they're making it out to be. It's not that hard to replace someone who reads a teleprompter. He was whipping through some other news and saw that Trump's new son's name is Baron. He also noticed that the Naked Cowboy must have a publicist because he's all over the news these days.
After that Howard moved on to find out what Fred is up to. He asked Fred how he's doing and what he's up to. Fred said that there are some surprises for the Howard Stern Film Festival. He said he's working with Robin on something for the festival and they should have something ready by the time the festival comes around. They're lining up some stars for the movie they're going to create.
Howard thanked Fred for that and got in some plugs for the Howard Stern Film Festival. He said that the films are due by April 11th and have to be under 5 minutes long. He also mentioned his web site HowardStern.com and he thinks that it's an utter disaster right now. It's horribly organized and he can't even find anything in there himself. He said he wants it fixed already and doesn't want any excuses because it's killing him. He said this is the most important time for the web site because he's trying to stay in touch with the audience. It's supposed to be redesigned again and it's taking forever.
Robin said that they have a picture of Savanna up on the web site and she looks like a vampire. Howard said that the site has to be fixed today but it's not happening. He said that even the SternFanNetwork.com web site looks better than his does. All of the sites out there on the web look better than his.
Howard played a bit that Sal and Richard made using clips of Judge Judy. They called a guy and had the tapes of Judy talking to the guy and asking him about going to jail and stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that one of the best things on Howard TV On Demand is the ''Bathroom Incident'' show. Howard didn't remember it at first but when he did, he said that was a great one that could never air on TV the way it's airing on the On Demand thing. It's completely uncensored now. That led to him digging through his mail to read a letter he got about the show. He read the letter from the fan who just got SIRIUS and complained about how there's actually too much to listen to on the service.
Howard said he watched the second episode of The Sopranos and he actually liked it. A lot of people thought it was horrible but Howard, Robin and Artie said they enjoyed it. It took Artie a little while to get into it but he eventually said he did like it. Robin explained some of it to Howard since he didn't get what some of it meant. He did enjoy what he saw though.
Fred hated that second episode of The Sopranos. He said he wants to see mob stuff and not all of the dream crap that they had in that episode. He wanted the episode to move along and not stall the show the way it did. Levy said he didn't like it either. Gary came in and said that he's very surprised that Howard actually liked that episode. He also said that Jon Hein had a great comment about how Edi Falco sitting next to the bed was just her trying to get an Emmy.
The guys spent a few more minutes talking about the show before Howard moved on to the next audio clip he wanted to play. He said he had a new voice mail from Riley Martin who is very impatient about getting his radio show on the air. Howard played the message where Riley starts off by plugging his book. Then he says that it's taking far too long to get him a date for the show he wants to do. Gary said that they actually did give him a date of April 27th so that should make him happy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loved that Mike Walker fart they played yesterday. Fred played the fart a few more times for them. He also played the conga/fart mix. The guys spent a little more time talking about The Sopranos and about Pauly Walnuts because he was involved in a bunch of wild stuff.
Howard said that Crazy Alice has been calling in quite a bit and they can't get her to come in live. He said that she really hates Artie for some reason and she also hates Robin. Gary wants her to leave her phone number so they can call her back. Howard played her latest voice mail messages and she went off on Artie saying that he's not funny. She also went off on Robin a bit. Alice left a couple of other messages and she got all revved up about Artie again when she heard him say something about Dice Clay. Artie didn't think he had said anything about him so he wasn't sure what she was talking about. In the third message Alice was going off on Robin once again calling her names. Then she went off on Artie again.
Robin thinks that Alice is listening to the same show over and over again and she gets all pissed off when she hears the same thing. Howard had to take a break after that but he mentioned they have Beetlejuice coming in later on. The guys talked about how he didn't curse the last time he was on the show. Levy, who works with him once in a while, said that if you give him a beer he should be fine.
Howard said that they tried to get Beetlejuice to sing his Beetlejuice Song but he doesn't remember doing that so he can't repeat it. He played a clip of Richard trying to get him to sing the song but Beet is very hard to work with. Richard was feeding all of the lines to Beetlejuice but nothing was working. Howard thinks that they'll never have that song again since Beet can't repeat it. Gary said that he was out in the hall with Beet and he was drinking a cup of coffee and acting very normal this morning. He was kind of worried about that. Howard went to break a short time after that.
Howard spoke to the 19 year old Make-A-Wish kid and told him that he might think he has a hard time living with cancer but he's got to live with Gary. The kid was ready to give Gary a slap if Howard wanted him to.
Howard was also complaining about the live commercial reads he was doing because he doesn't have time to prepare for the next part of the show when he's reading commercials. Gary said that he tried talking to Sam Benrubi but Howard told him that Sam was the wrong guy to talk to. While Gary was in his office talking to Howard, Sal went in there with a big dildo and stuck it in his face. That led to a fight off the air that Howard said would probably end up on his TV channel.
Howard finished up his commercial break and introduced Pat and John. Pat has cancer and he was able to get in on this Make-A-Wish thing. He's in and out of the hospital all the time. He said he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma back in 2004. He got over that and was then diagnosed again last year. He said that he's been through about 10 chemotherapy treatments over the past couple of years.
Howard asked Pat if he's a wigger or something because he's dressed kind of like a rapper. Pat said he's from Brooklyn so that might be why he thinks that. Pat said that he gave a couple of wishes for his Make-A-Wish thing 2 years ago and asked to go to the Playboy mansion. He said that they wouldn't allow that so he said the next best thing would be going on Howard Stern's show. They made that happen.
Pat said that he can sometimes get out of speeding tickets with the cancer. He'll take his hat off to show them that he's lost all of his hair. Pat said that he won't be able to finish up college and he'll probably have to enter the family business which is a security company. Howard asked him if his family bought a lot of life insurance on him. He wasn't sure about that but Howard told him that he would be buying insurance for him every day. He said he'd have about 50 billion dollars worth of insurance on him.
Howard heard that Pat writes rap songs so he wanted him to do some rapping for them. Pat wasn't into that but Howard played some drum beats for him to sing to. Then Bob suggested that they play the Mike Walker fart music. Howard pulled that out and played the conga and fart sounds mixed. Pat wasn't into it so he didn't do it.
Pat told Howard that he's been getting laid since he was 16 years old so he's doing okay in that department. The last time he got any was back in October though. Now that he's going through Chemo he has no interest in doing any of that stuff.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that her daughter has cancer and her son is on crack cocaine. Howard didn't now why she was calling so he moved on to the next caller. The next caller was a woman who was on the show in the Blind Beauty pageant. She said that her husband actually died from what this kid has. That wasn't exactly encouraging to Pat. The woman said that her husband fought it for 10 years and he lasted about 9 years longer than he was supposed to.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered where the Howard TV segment of Yucko getting roasted by a couple of black guys was. Sal the Stockbroker came in and told them that Mike Gange is editing it and it should be up on Howard TV On Demand in a couple of weeks. Bob was there that time and told Howard how funny it was when the guys came in and scared the crap out of Yucko.
Howard got back to Pat and asked him more about the whole Make-A-Wish thing. He said that Pat should have requested to go to one of those Hedonism places where there are tons of chicks wanting to get laid. Bob told Howard they should get Tabitha Stevens to bang this kid. Howard said he could do that if Pat wanted to. Pat said that he'd bang anything. Bob told Pat that she gives the best blow job in the world. He said that she's pretty amazing. He said that she doesn't stop even after you cum so you have to punch her to get her off of you.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's got a great Levy story. He said he remembers when Levy was on the show back on K-Rock. He had to pull over because he was laughing so hard. He said a State Trooper actually pulled up behind him and when he came up to the car, he heard the show on and asked if he could sit in the car with him and listen. He claims that the cop sat in the car for 30 minutes listening to the show with him.
Howard had the Make-A-Wish woman, Kathy, come in to talk to him about what's going on. Kathy told Howard where the whole organization came from and how they started out with one kid who wanted to become a cop for a day. Howard asked her what the wildest wish was that she's worked on. She said that this might be it, having Pat on the Howard Stern Show.
Howard told a story about going to see a woman years ago when he was shooting an interview with Stone Phillips. He said he was having some fun with the whole thing but Stone wasn't to thrilled with the whole thing.
Howard asked Pat if he would like to go to the Bunny Ranch. Pat said he'd love to do that. There was a woman on the phone claiming that she was from the Bunny Ranch but when Howard went to pick it up, she wasn't there. Howard told the kid that he would like to do something for him but he didn't know what. He was also talking about a kid that used to call the show and he was supposed to die pretty quick but he was still around for years later.
Howard asked Pat if he would at least like to feel up Robin or something. He said that would be great but Robin wasn't up for that. Bob said they should take him to Scores. Howard said maybe next time they go he'll bring the kid along. Artie was signing bottles of Jack Daniels for the kid.
Howard took a few more phone calls for Pat. One guy said that the Make-A-Wish foundation is great and they granted a wish for his little sister. That guy also went off on Jon Hein about the way he ran the Better Half Show and that came from out of nowhere. Another caller said he wanted to be granted a wish and wanted Les Moonves to be taken away. A woman called in and said that her husband had Hodgkins and he's been a survivor for the past 10 years. She said that she divorced the guy though, even thought he did survive.
Pat was telling Howard that he's got all kinds of scars on his chest from the tests they've done and the ports they have into his chest for giving him the Chemo. Artie said that chicks dig scars so that's not a bad thing. Howard thanked Kathy for bringing Pat there and let her go.
Howard told Pat that he's liking him. Pat said he actually brought home one of the nurses from the hospital with him. She was actually not a nurse there, she just worked there on his floor. Howard told him that he may not want to give too many details because he doesn't want people to know exactly who she was.
Howard told Pat to keep in touch but only give him good news, nothing bad. He took a call from a guy who said that he liked the bumper they played earlier in the show for the AYDS diet supplement that they used to sell years ago. Howard said that was the biggest disaster for a company when AIDS became so big. They lasted a little while before they had to give up the AYDS name. Howard went to break a short time after talking about that.
Howard was ready to move along so he cut Fred off and took a phone call from a guy who works at a Volkswagen/Audi dealer and they're all thrilled that they have SIRIUS as their only satellite radio option. Howard said that he's going to be announcing the names of the people out there who were saying that it was a bad idea for SIRIUS to sign him. Artie was saying that the day he celebrates is the day that XM reaches 4 million subscribers.
Howard talked about how desperate XM is right now because they're doing just about anything to keep their subscribers. He said that they'll even give you the service for $3 a month to keep people. The caller said that they've been selling XM and SIRIUS side by side for a few years now and 4 out of 5 people want SIRIUS anyway.
Howard said that Sal keeps insisting that he replay this prank call he made. Sal received a wrong number call and pretended to be a black guy who had a dog barking in his apartment. He pretended to kick it and hit it with a bottle.
Howard said that Garver also interviewed actress Sean Young. Garver asked her if she's ever had a drug or alcohol problem. She said she has but also said that she's not sober. He asked her what 9 times 8 was. She said 17 and realized that she was wrong. She didn't have an answer for him so Garver had to give her the answer. She said that she also shaves and/or waxes her private parts. Garver asked her if she would destroy Blacks or Puerto Ricans if she could. She said she would get rid of the whites and wondered why he didn't include them. B
Howard had another clip of Garver interviewing actress Karen Black. Garver asked her who she would consider not to be a star at the event she was at. She wasn't too happy with that question. Then she started to sing to Gary about how everybody is a star. Garver tried asking her if she trusts the Jews. She paused and then asked him where he was born and told him to get out in the world more. He asked her about shaving or waxing and she said that she is nearly hairless so she doesn't have to do either. She also said that she finds Howard Stern to be very insulting.
Howard said he was heard about a 60 Minutes story where they talk about how the number of brothers you have can determine whether or not a guy will be gay. They had a doctor on the show who said that's one way they can determine that someone is going to be gay. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that story and listening to the audio from 60 Minutes. Gary said that they were showing some kids in the show who did turn out gay. They had some video of the kids when they were little and playing with toys that the opposite sex would usually play with. He said that there was one set of twins on there who were 7 years old and one of the kids was saying that he felt like a woman... at 7 years old.
Howard played one last interview that Gary Garver did with Ed Asner. Garver asked Ed what he thinks about Howard and the CBS lawsuit but Ed wasn't saying much. Ed said that he is circumcised but wouldn't answer if he's ever had a gay experience. He told Garver that his questions were imbecilic. He didn't seem to thrilled with the questions but he did hang in there with Garver through the few questions he got out.
Howard decided to read some e-mail instead. He had some feedback about the Hogan Family visit last week. Fans seemed to like the interview and they can't wait for Brooke Hogan to return by herself after she turns 18 years old. Howard said someone wanted to get her on the Sybian but Howard said that will never happen. He doesn't want Hulk coming back to beat the crap out of him. He said that Hulk would probably break his neck if he ever touched his daughter.
Howard said that he thinks that Brooke is really gorgeous but he would never touch her. He read another e-mail from a guy who thinks that Hulk is going to drive his daughter to do really wild things because he's so strict.
Howard said someone wrote in and asked why they have Gilbert Gottfried on the show. Howard went on to talk about how hit and miss guests can be and that's what it's like with Elegant Elliot Offen because he can be great one time and horrible the next. Howard said they really don't need any guests because people like when he just hangs out and talks with people. He can do that with Artie and Bob Levy.
Howard said that some people want bumper stickers to help promote SIRIUS. Howard said the best way to do that is to just walk up to people and tell them how good you think it is. Another e-mailer told Howard he really liked the Savanna Samson Sybian episode on Howard TV On Demand.
Robin asked what was going on with the Playboy channel on SIRIUS. Howard went to it but it was a couple of dudes talking to each other. Howard wanted to compare that channel to the Cosmo channel but it wasn't possible with the setup he had. He tried the Martha Stewart channel instead.
Howard said that he was thinking of turning his show into a show that would fix The Maxim Channel. They would insert their own jokes into the shows they have on. Howard was goofing on the way the shows there at SIRIUS just put anyone on the air (he does the same thing, doesn't he?). He was playing a bunch of Mike Walker fart sounds.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who wondered why Gary only puts on one side of his headphones when he walks in to the studio. Gary said he does that so he can still hear what's going on in the studio. He said he's not trying to be an old-time broadcaster like Howard thought he was.
Howard said that Human Resources there at SIRIUS is complaining about Sal jerking off in the bathroom so if he continues to do that, he's probably going to get fired. He went on to read an e-mail from someone who said they want to hear Mariann from Brooklyn on the Sybian.
Howard took a call from Mariann who said that she might be interested in doing the Sybian thing but then said that she wouldn't be able to do it. She was telling Howard that her radio went dead last night and now she's got to go out and buy a new one. She asked Howard if she should be boycotting channel 2 there in New York. Howard said if she doesn't want to watch it, then go ahead and stop watching. She was starting to ramble a bit so Howard cut her off and said he couldn't take it anymore.
Howard had the Entertainment Weekly reporter, Josh, sitting in the studio again today. He was asking him if he could reschedule the big interview from Thursday to another day. Howard was hoping to change it to tomorrow instead of Thursday. Howard was able to work things out so he could interview him tomorrow. He has some stuff coming up on Thursday that he has to take care of so he can't do the Thursday thing. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that maybe if this woman just gave his webmaster oral it would help. He ended up putting her on hold because he was so bored with her. As he was about to do that, she was telling Artie that she knows someone who was in Dirty Work with him... but Howard cut her off and said that it's no wonder guys can't stay married.
Howard got back to Josh and spent a few more minutes talking to him. He was bragging about being a great father compared to the father he had. He said that he knows all of his kids' birthdays but his father didn't know his. He said that all he wanted from his father was his love but he thinks that he gives his kids too much love. Artie said that he might be different with a son though. He said that his father would tell his mother that she could have all of the kids she wanted as long as he didn't have to help out. A lot of guys are like that.
Howard heard that Beet was drinking this morning so he asked him if he thinks he has an alcohol problem. Beet said he doesn't have a problem and he could give it up if he wanted to. Howard asked Beet if he's still getting along with Bob Levy. Beet said something about him being a ''Bob Hope Jew.'' That led to Howard asking Beet about Jews and what they do to him. Beet said that they love money. He was also saying something about Hitler but he was kind of unintelligible. Robin figured out that he was saying that he overpowered the Jews.
Howard asked Beet about working with the Jews and asked him if they've ever screwed him out of money. Beet said he makes sure that they don't do that. Howard asked Beet more about the Jews and then asked him to rank the races for him. Beet didn't really have any thoughts on that so Howard had to steer him in the right direction. He asked him if he can tell a Jew just by looking at them. Beet said he could so he asked him if he was a Jew. Beet said he was and he was right. Then Howard pointed out Artie and Beet said that Artie is also a ''dirty Jew.'' Beet also called Fred a ''Kike.'' Then Howard asked Beet what he thinks about him. Beetlejuice said that Howard isn't a Jew, he's Italian.
Howard asked Beetlejuice to have a spelling bee against Bob Levy. Bob said he thinks he can beat Beetlejuice but Beet said that ''you can't beat a dirty Jew.'' Howard gave Bob the first word which was ''SCISSORS.'' Bob spelled it ''SISSORS.'' Beetlejuice spelled it ''SAICCD... SEAI.'' Beetlejuice told Bob to go back to the Klan or something wacky like that.
Howard went to Bob again with the next word ''DEFINITELY.'' Bob spelled it ''DEFINATLY'' and Beetlejuice spelled it ''DEFINTLY.'' He came pretty close with that one. Howard gave Beet the next word ''POTATO.'' He spelled it ''POTNATO'' but almost got it. Howard asked Bob to spell the next word which was RHYME. Bob got it right so Howard called him a show off and ended the spelling bee.
Howard asked Beetlejuice how his manager Sean is doing after his stroke. Beet said he's doing fine and he's up and walking around now. Howard asked him what car he's driving these days but Beet wasn't able to answer. He was also asked about what he's got planned for his future. Beet said he plans on leaving, that's it. He was also saying that his penis is about 2 inches long and it's too large for his wife.
A fan called in and asked Beetlejuice why he's not cursing on the air. Beet said he didn't want to but he did say the F-word a few times. He was also goofing on the guy on the phone by doing a fake voice. Artie got him revved up and gave him a couple of F-yous that got Beetle cursing a little more. They had him going pretty good this time. Last time he was on he didn't say one curse word. This time he was cursing like crazy.
Artie was goofing on him but Beet came back with some good points about him getting drunk out in Vegas and almost falling off the stage. He was also calling him fat and goofing on him right back. Beetlejuice said that Artie has boobs like a girl and he should put a bra on. Beet was quick this morning with his comebacks.
Bob asked if they could have Beet at the Daniel Carver Roast. Howard said that would be great. At one point Beetlejuice called Artie ''Jackie'' and goofed on him some more. A caller asked Beetlejuice what it's like to be an A-List celebrity. Beet said that it don't matter but he does like it a little bit. He also said that he likes signing autographs a little bit.
Howard started to wrap up with Beetlejuice but he and Artie were still going back and forth. Howard was calling Artie ''Jackie'' still and wondered why the two of them were fighting. Artie said he was just trying to get something going.
Howard gave Beet a plug for his web site and asked him to make up with Artie. Beetlejuice called in a Guinea and said that he smells like shit pizza. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard replayed the Riley Martin voice mail message he played earlier. He also replayed the Crazy Alice messages where she went off on Artie and Robin.
Artie said he shook Beetlejuice's hand out in the hall and Doug Goodstein came up to him and told him to go wash his hands because Beet had just been in the bathroom pissing and shitting and who knows what else. Howard had some Purell hand sanitizer in there so he gave some to Artie to use. Howard said he's been washing his hands and using the hand sanitizer after that.
George finished up his preview of the news stories they had coming up and got in a plug for Bob Levy and Shuli's show ''Miserable Men'' which will be on tonight at 7 o'clock Eastern time.
Jon Hein was in with a preview of The Wrap Up Show. He said that Beetlejuice may stop by. Pat the Make-A-Wish kid will stop by as will Will who went through the same thing that Pat is going through. Bob Levy will sit in on that show as well. Gary will be talking about the problems he had when he brought in a guest at the wrong time earlier in the morning. Howard said there's nothing to talk about there because Gary isn't supposed to bring in a guest early unless he asks him to.
Ralph and Howard were arguing about this week's episode of The Sopranos and whether it was good or not. Howard liked it and Ralph hated it. They went through the crew and got everyone's thoughts on that episode.
During the news Howard took a call from Captain Janks who thought about having a roast of Les Moonves and just have a dummy sitting there and taking it. Janks even volunteered to sit there dressed up like Les. Howard said he thinks it would be best if the guy was actually there. Gary came in and said that the guys were talking to him about Bob in the back and there are some words that he just can't say. He can't pronounce the word ''Shrimp.'' Bob tried saying it and it came out as ''Strimp.'' He also can't say the word Shrink, he says ''Strink.'' Howard asked him to say ''shrunk'' and he wasn't able to say that either. He said ''Strunk.''
Gary also said that Bob used to be a wrestler on cable access. Bob said that he was known as ''Heartbreaker Bobby Slayer.'' He said that he did that for a short time and it didn't work out. Bob said that he did a few matches and most of the time he would lose. Howard asked him to say shrimp again. He gave him a ''strimp.''
Artie had Bob tell his story about a joke that he thinks he had stolen from him by Dave Chappelle. It goes something like ''I'm going home to beat my dick like it owes me money.'' A short time after Bob told the story, Benjy said that he found a reference to it on the web that was from 1998 so it's been out there for at least that long. Bob believes that he wrote the joke and Chappelle's people ripped it off from him. Artie thinks he's nuts.
Howard had Bob saying a few more ''Shr'' words during the news and poor Bob wasn't able to pronounce them. He was able to say ''Mushroom'' with no problem but when Howard asked him to say ''shroom'' he said ''stroom.'' Artie goofed on him quite a bit about that whenever he got a chance.
At one point Artie was reciting lines from ''The Godfather'' and he had them down almost perfect. Fred played a clip from the movie and Artie was playing along and saying the lines before the character did. He has an amazing ability to remember that stuff. He could probably recite the whole movie. He was doing whole scenes from the movie that lasted for minutes. Howard told him he was really good. He asked him if he could do the whole thing if he set it up on TV. Artie said it's like 2 hours long so he probably couldn't do the whole thing... but he could do most of it.
Howard actually had to stop Artie from doing more of The Godfather stuff. It was getting late in the morning and he wanted to get out of there. He didn't end the show until 11:40am.
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Howard said that he was very busy yesterday after the show. He was on Sean Hannity's radio show and the guy has 500 stations. Hannity says that the stations have been ''Hannitized.'' He said he saw a map of all of the stations he's on and almost the whole country was covered. Howard said he had about 60 at the height of his popularity, he's not even sure exactly how many he had. He said the radio show went on very long and spent about 2 hours with him. He thought it was going to be about 15 minutes.
Howard said he had some fun bashing Leslie Moonves all day long. He doesn't usually go on other radio stations so he got to visit the ABC Radio studios when he went on Hannity's show. It wasn't the nicest location but he'd give it a B- grade compared to a D- for the old K-Rock studio.
Howard said that he went to Hannity's studio with his agent Don Buchwald and Ronnie the Limo Driver. Sean thought that Don was his lawyer but that isn't the case. He's an agent, not a lawyer. Howard described the scene there at Hannity's studio and said that he sits there and does everything himself. There's a whole room filled with hot chicks and they don't buy into Sean's politics. They work for him producing stuff but they're all liberals and wanted to go to Scores with Ronnie.
Ronnie said that one of the women was Hannity's producer and they're all for hanging out. They brought Ronnie into the control room and told him that they wanted to go to a Scores party. Howard said that he got into a discussion with Hannity about the women he works with and told him it was okay to be attracted to the women he works with. Hannity kept telling him that he's only attracted to his wife and doesn't read Playboy or anything like that. Ronnie said that the chicks were all laughing at Hannity's routine as he was talking about not being attracted to them.
Howard said that Hannity was taking calls for Howard at the end of the 2 hours and a lot of fans were calling in and talking about how great SIRIUS was so that was nice. Gary thought that Howard was great with Hannity and they worked well together. Gary thought that the discussion they had about gays and gay marriage was actually very interesting. Hannity is against gay marriage so they spent some time on that subject. Howard said they never got to finish that discussion.
Gary was saying that Hannity was saying that children should have a mother and father so that's why he doesn't want gay marriage to be legal. The guys were saying that there are a lot of heterosexual parents who shouldn't be having kids though.
Howard said that there were a lot of commercials on Hannity's show and it drives Hannity nuts. Gary said that they do a real radio show over there so they have a news guy who was doing reports about the same stories over and over again.
Howard said that Hannity's cell phone rang during the show and it was his wife. His wife wanted to talk to Howard so Sean handed the phone over to him. She then went on to tell Howard that she was involved in an accident and she wanted him to tell Sean about it. Howard said he waited a short time before he talked to him about it and that led to Sean calling his wife back to talk to her about it. Howard thought it was kind of funny that he was talking about how great his marriage is and then his wife won't even tell him about the accident she was just in.
Howard talked about the discussions that he and Hannity were having about religion. He said that he was telling Hannity that he doesn't need a made up story to make him a good person. Hannity was telling Howard that if he's not a good person he won't go to heaven so Howard told him he doesn't know that, that's just his belief.
Howard pointed out that Sean was a big supporter of his as far as the CBS lawsuit goes so he appreciates that. When a company tries to smash talent like that, it effects many people in the industry. That led to Howard talking more about Leslie Moonves and how he screwed over Dan Rather after he reported a story wrong. He said that Rather did a lot of years of hard work for that network and Leslie screwed him over. Dan was loyal to CBS for many, many years.
Howard said that if Mel Karmazin was still at CBS at the time, he wouldn't have allowed Rather to be let go in the way he was. Howard seems to believe that Les Moonves saw an older man who was an easy target and just let him disappear. Howard said that Leslie is the kind of guy who only bullies the weak.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought that yesterday's Hannity show was his best ever and it was probably Howard's best appearance on any show. He said he's a fan of both Howard and Sean Hannity so he enjoyed the interview. Howard said he had a good time over there. The caller asked if they're going to be playing any ''Win Fred's Money'' anytime soon. Howard told him they are planning some so the guy asked to be put on the list.
Howard got back to the CBS lawsuit discussion and spent a few more minutes on that. He was also talking about how Leslie Moonves will back down to anyone powerful. He only takes on the people he believes are weak. This time, with Howard, he's made a mistake because he's not going to back down.
Howard said that Julie Chen's career sure has taken off since she started sleeping with the boss (Leslie Moonves). He said that he's not going to go down that route though.
Artie said that the things that CBS is saying about Howard in the lawsuit is unreal. He's a private citizen who is being sued by a corporation and it's really not cool. Howard went on to play some audio from some news reports where they listened to some clips from Letterman's show. Artie thought that Letterman sounded kind of brutal when he was goofing on Howard for bringing up a counter suit. He also made a comment about how it would be nice to see things go Howard's way ''for a change.''
Howard played some more clips from the news report he started to play earlier and one of the guys was saying that he thinks that this is all a publicity stunt coordinated by CBS and Howard Stern. That didn't make any sense to one of the reporters. Robin wondered who these guys were because Howard hadn't said who he was playing. Howard said it was from a CNBC show. JD came in and said it was CNBC's ''On The Money'' show.
Howard had another clip of Keith Olbermann talking about the Letterman appearance he made on Monday night. Keith mentioned many of the things that went on during the Letterman appearance. Howard interrupted and said that this is just ''Stage 1'' of his battle against Leslie Moonves. He said he's going to go into hibernation for a short time and then he will come out swinging with ''Stage 2.'' He said that you can never underestimate the enemy.
Howard played more audio from Keith Olberman's show and ended up talking more about Leslie Moonves' ridiculous lawsuit. He said that Leslie is a dummy who picks television shows and he believes that CBS will go down in the ratings while the other networks pick up. Robin said that their whole franchise right now is CSI so when people get sick of that, they're done. Howard said that Les is nothing more than a program director.
Howard took a call from a guy who defended Letterman. He said he didn't think Letterman was coming after him like they were saying earlier. Howard said he agrees that Dave wasn't coming after him and he was very happy with the appearance. He said he has no problem with Dave.
Robin and Howard were talking about some of the other freaky looking people on the show. One of the guys looks kind of like Shuli. Howard said that they put makeup on the guy's face last night and he looked like Grandpa Al Lewis. Howard said that the Pickler chick is really annoying. He was making fun of her accent and some of the comments she made last night.
Gary told Howard he was looking at Hannity's web site and he wasn't able to find any products for sale. Robin thought he did have some stuff for sale but Gary went through it and found that he just has a book club and a song club, but no products for sale. Howard thinks the guy makes a lot of money out on the lecture circuit so he probably doesn't need to sell anything on the web site.
Howard wants to have a ''Girls of Hannity vs. Girls of SIRIUS'' competition. He also said that he's going to bring those girls to Scores soon. Ronnie came in and told Howard how into it all of the women seemed to be. He said he told the girls that they aren't allowed to bring any of their husbands or boyfriends with them. Ronnie also said that he beat off thinking about this one chick, Jessica, he met over there.
Gary brought in some pictures of the girls from Hannity's show and showed them to Howard and the other guys. He had gotten one of the links off Hannity's web site and printed them all out. Howard said that they should have a bathing suit competition. He had to take a break a short time later. As he went to break he played a new call that Sal had created when he got a wrong number call to his phone yesterday. The woman was looking for someone so Sal played the part and pretended to be beating the crap out of his dog and his wife... until the woman on the phone hung up.
Howard replayed Artie's new favorite prank phone call that they started to play on Monday. It's a call that the guys in the back made using Blue Iris audio clips to call another older woman. Artie seems to love the way the woman speaks back to Blue Iris and the way Blue pronounces some of the words she says.
The caller who was on the line said he loved hearing Richard Christy streaking yesterday. Howard said that they'll have that on Howard TV On Demand soon. The guys in the back replayed that clip for Howard so that got a few laughs. Howard said that any of the Christy stuff on Howard TV is worth watching.
The caller asked if he could get into the Daniel Carver roast later this month. Gary said he'll put him on the list but Bob Levy is also working on the list so he's not sure how many people they have on the list already.
Lisa G came in with a quick news preview. She said they'll be doing a report on how Howard finds some of his Wack Pack members. Howard said he doesn't even remember how they found most of those guys. He did remember when Beetlejuice came in for the first time though. Lisa said they'll also be talking to Richard Christy about the streaking he did yesterday and how odd that was. Lisa said they'll also be talking to the crew about their favorite channels there at SIRIUS.
Howard read through some mail about his Letterman appearance. He got some mail about The Bloodhound Gang doing a show. Howard said he had no idea they did the show already. He would have promoted it if he knew about it. Gary told Howard that he gave him some cards to promote that stuff and he overlooked it. All of those shows are now airing on Howard 101.
Howard read some mail about the Blue Iris prank call that Artie loves so much. The guys think that they should do something new with her every week. Howard had Blue Iris on the phone so he spent a minute talking to her. Blue said that she was sick recently and was bleeding internally... Having a backwards period. She was in the hospital for five days. Howard asked her what went on when she met this young man that she had mentioned that she tried to seduce. She said that she got the guy to pull down his pants and told him that she had never done anyone in a hospital bed.
Blue said that they had to operate on her and they removed two polyps. Howard said that he assumes that this guy she did ended up vomiting as he was doing her. She said that she didn't want to go out without having sex. Howard asked her if the guy took off all of her clothes. She said the hospital gown was slit up the side so he just went in that way.
Howard figured that she must have been quite ''pungent'' after not cleaning up for a few days. She claims that she took one every day and didn't stink. She also told Howard that she believes that Howard will win his lawsuit. She asked if she could have one of his 'I Hate Leslie Moonves Tour'' t-shirts. Howard told her he gave away his last one already so he didn't have one for her. He let her go a short time later.
Howard said that he just saw something called a Viagra Ring that you can get at ViagraRing.com. It has a hole cut out it so you can hide your Viagra in it. He said he can't imagine having something like that. Artie said he's seen ecstasy rings in clubs before but not a Viagra ring.
Randolph said that he would stop the class and tell the students about the erection and explain it to them why he gets something like that. These were 8 year old boys he was explaining it to so there was some laughter and giggling according to the caller.
Randolph said that he would also excuse himself to go to the bathroom to finish himself off. He wouldn't tell the kids that he was going to do that of course. He said he would never masturbate in front of the class but he would explain it to the students. He says that he's actually gotten thanks from some of the students over the years.
Howard found out that the guy is married and has children of his own. He hasn't told his wife why he was fired yet though. Howard took some phone calls to see what the fans were thinking. One guy said that he'd like to back this guy up because he has a problem getting erections in public as well. Howard told the guys that he was fully aroused himself because he was playing with himself under the console. He believes that you can hide that stuff though. Some other callers believe that he shouldn't be allowed to teach kids about having erections like he claims he was.
Randolph said he wants his job back and he's going to fight the school to get it back. One caller told Howard that he's a teacher and has never gotten an erection in front of his students. Another caller said he's studying to be a teacher now and he would make sure to get out of the room before he got a full erection.
Howard asked him more about beating off and how he goes about telling the students about how he does it. He said that he will excuse himself telling them that he's heading out to relieve himself. He once had a student follow him into the teacher's lounge and into the bathroom one time but he didn't do anything.
Howard took a few more phone calls for the guy and let some people go off on him. Some people said that he can't just teach kids sex education stuff if he's not supposed to. The caller thinks that Randolph is out of his mind. One woman said that she thinks he's out of his mind as well. Randolph said that he thinks he can get his job back but if he doesn't, he'll just move on to another school. Robin wondered how he can get a job after losing one for this reason. The guy didn't answer her on that question.
One caller told Howard that this is great because it will expose the guy for what he's all about and hopefully keep him from getting another job teaching students.
Fred played one of Artie's voice mail messages where he called in sick back when they were at K-Rock. Artie didn't know that they could play those but they didn't produce them at K-Rock, they were just voice mails. Fred played another one that Artie left and he knew that it was going to be used on the air.
Artie said he never heard that antibiotics would weaken his immune system, he just takes whatever the doctor gives him. Fred played a song parody that Richard Christy created using Artie's sick calls. He sings about Artie being ''Sick All The Time.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he really liked the Sean Hannity interview yesterday and it's probably the first time that Hannity has lost control of his own show. The guy was also telling Howard how great the show has been and suggested that he tell the guys at CBS to suck his dick.
Howard said that Savanna was looking really good today. He said he remembers when she was just a dancer at Scores. Now she's in porn and has her own line of wine. Howard said he tried to talk Savanna out of going into porn but that didn't work.
Howard told Savanna that they're going to play a game with her today. He explained the delivery guy thing that they talked about earlier where they'll have a guy come up to the studio and offer him either a tip or the chance to touch Savanna and feel her up. Howard said that they were going to start out with like a $100 tip but Artie said they should start out with a $20 tip because they probably don't even get that much.
Howard asked Savanna what she was actually willing to do. She told Howard she'd be willing to do just about anything he asked her to do. When she said that she'd even give the guy a reach-around, Artie asked if he could play. Benjy told Howard that those guys could buy a chick in New York City for a couple hundred bucks. Howard said that he's going to offer the guy the chance to rub up against Savanna while she's naked.
Howard and the guys were still trying to figure out exactly what to offer the delivery guy who was already on his way up there. The suggestions ranged from $5 to $20 as a start. Howard was still thinking in the hundreds for a tip. Howard said that if the guys take a $20 tip, that would be really insulting to Savanna. Artie said he thinks the guy will actually take the $20 tip. They were going to go up to $50 and then offer to let the guy spank Savanna. Then it became letting the guy lay on top of Savanna while she's naked.
Sal came in and said that it should be $10 for nudity, $20 for feeling up and $50 for laying on top of her. Howard said that was fine so he was going to take bets from the crew about what they think will actually happen. A lot of the guys think that the guy is going to feel her up instead of taking the $20. Howard thinks the guy is going to take the $10 and run.
Gary came in and told Howard that the guy is perfect for the game. He doesn't speak English so they have to have an intern in to interpret if they need that. The guy's name was Isaac and he did understand a little bit of English. He has never heard of Howard Stern. They found out he makes about $300 a week doing deliveries. He makes about $5 per tip. Howard asked the guy when he last got laid and found out it was just last week. Then he told him he would give him $10 or let him feel up Savanna. Savanna stood up and let him check her out. Then he asked him if he would take the $10 or feel her up. Isaac said that he would take the $10.
Howard asked Isaac if he had offered him $20 or the chance to see Savanna fully nude. Isaac told Jeanette that he would rather see her naked than take the $20. Howard then offered the guy either the $20 tip or to see Savanna naked. At first he was going to take the offer to see her naked instead of the $20 until he found out that the $20 was off the table if he saw her naked. Then he wanted the money.
Howard asked him if he would like to lay on top of Savanna while she's naked. He said that he can't do that so Howard asked him why and explained to him that it's perfectly legal. The guy took the $50 instead of the nudity and feeling up. Sal came in and made some suggestions on how to keep the game going. They gave the guy the $50 and Howard asked him if he gave him back $5, he would let him squeeze Savanna's boobs.
Isaac took Howard up on the offer so they took $5 from him and let Isaac feel her up. Savanna went over to him and let him feel her up. He asked if it was okay before he actually went for it. Then Artie was yelling out ''Policia! Policia!'' trying to scare the guy. Howard asked him if he wanted to keep playing but he was done at that point. Artie told Gary to pretend to arrest him out in the lobby for rape.
Gary said they had another guy who should be there any second. Howard said he's going to offer the guy fifty cents or to see Artie naked. He was also saying that he might start out a little lower with the next guy.
Howard talked about this movie remake of ''The Devil and Miss Jones'' that Savanna was in. He watched it recently to beat off when Beth wasn't around. He said that the beginning of the movie was kind of boring so he almost had to forward through about half of it to get to the good stuff. He said that no one should have to wait through half of a porn movie to beat off. Savanna said that the director took it pretty seriously so that's why it was like that.
Howard said he beat off at the pool scene in the movie and didn't finish watching it. There were more scenes after that according to Savanna. She said there's one scene where she's with a group and another one with two guys. She told Howard he needs to see that stuff.
Savanna also talked about her wine and went through the process of how she came up with that. She was also talking about how she's still doing movies where she has sex with other men and her husband actually likes seeing that stuff.
Howard asked Savanna if she wanted to ride the Sybian. She didn't know what it was so Howard had the guys bring it out and show her. They were about to get into that but the next delivery guy, Oscar, was there. Gary said that the guy was an older guy and spoke no English.
Howard had the guy come in and he said that he is Columbian, not Mexican and this is his first week on the job. He said that he doesn't get big tips but he expects that he's about to get one. Jeanette the Intern was interpreting again but she had a lot more to do this time since this guy spoke no English. Howard told Oscar that he was going to give him either $10 or feel Savanna's boobs over her shirt. He said he would rather take a picture and not even feel her up.
Jeanette was busy trying to explain to him what the offer was. He decided to take the boobs instead of the $10 tip. Howard told him to go ahead and feel her up as much as he wanted. As he was feeling her up Fred was playing some horn honking sound effects. Howard made him another offer... $20 or to see Savanna naked. Oscar asked Savanna what she wanted but the guys told him it was up to him. He said that his fingers were tingling from the last time. He took the chance to see Savanna naked because the money wasn't that important.
Savanna got naked so Howard asked Oscar what he thought. He was speechless. Savanna was taking her underwear off and Oscar was getting tempted by what he was seeing. Howard then offered him a $100 tip or the chance to hump her with his clothes on while she laid on the couch. They had to tell him he had to keep his clothes on though.
Oscar asked what he could do while he was on top of her. The guys told her that he could move around on her if he wanted to. Then Howard upped the money to $200 and no dry-humping. Oscar was still ready to hop on top of Savanna. He went right over to her and clapped before hopping on top of her. Artie was laughing his ass off as Oscar hopped on. Oscar wanted to kiss her but they told him that she's married and he can't do that. He stayed on top of her for a few seconds and then Savanna got on his lap. She was giving him a very aggressive lap dance according to Howard.
Howard told Gary to give this guy at least a $50 tip and let him leave. Oscar thanked them for the money and left. Howard said that was a real man, he turned down $200 just to lay on top of Savanna.
Howard gave Savanna a plug for her new movie ''Any Way You Want Me'' which you can get at UniversityOfSavanna.com. Howard then took a call from a woman who said she would pay Savanna $500 just to let her lay on top of her. A guy called in and asked how he could become a Mexican and get in on the game. Howard said he liked the game and they might have to play it again sometime.
Howard asked Savanna to get on the Sybian. As she was getting ready for that she was telling Howard she's been shooting a reality show pilot. She said that they would be showing her naked in the show and showing her busy life. Howard talked to Savanna about the girl she met on a plane one time who she has sex with sometimes. She said that she's kind of a Reese Witherspoon type and the two of them hit it off right away on the flight they were on. She said that they actually held each other and cuddled up on the plane.
Savanna said that they hooked up right after the flight and went back to the other chick's place. They were actually making out at the bar they went to after the flight. She ended up staying at the other chick's place for about 3 days and there wasn't much foreplay before they actually did each other.
Howard got back to the Sybian and had Savanna hop on the thing. They told her she didn't have to use the attachment if she didn't want to put it inside her. Gary controlled the Sybian and tried to get her off. She said the faster it goes, the better it is. He turned it up to about 60 percent and had her moaning and saying that she was going to have an orgasm. Howard had Gary keep the thing right around 60 percent and it seemed to be working perfectly. Artie said that she was giving him an orgasm. She said she had an orgasm and she felt like she was about to faint.
Howard asked her to explain to them exactly how they were feeling. Savanna said that she felt like she was about to pass out from the thing and she swore that she really did have an orgasm. Howard said she couldn't even walk after riding the Sybian. He said she looked like she was drunk. Robin said that she actually fell onto the couch when she walked over to it.
Savanna said that the vibration was a little too much, too quick for her. Mike Gange came in and asked if she was thinking of anyone in the room. She said she was looking at Howard but she did close her eyes and kept it kind of personal. She told Robin that she should give it a try but Robin isn't into that.
Savanna said that she wasn't dizzy anymore and she wasn't shaky from the vibration. Bob Levy called in and told Howard that he owes him a new radio because he just shot a jellyfish on it and it was smoking. He said he was out of breath as well. Another caller told Howard that he should have a channel just for the Sybian. Howard said that they should replace the Cosmo channel with the Sybian Channel. Savanna said that the Sybian was great for a quick release. She said that it was also a good thing she's not a squirter.
Captain Janks called in and said that he ran off a batch during that and he thinks he could tell just when Savanna had her orgasm. Howard wasn't able to tell when that happened though. Howard took a few more phone calls and gave Savanna some plugs for her web site. One guy said that she's the best porn star guests he's ever had on the show. Another guy mentioned that Savanna did a gang bang movie that was great. Savanna told Howard about the movie, which is called ''Savanna Samson Super Star'' and how she gave all of the guys anal and really enjoyed it. She said she was feeling kind of claustrophobic at first but eventually loosened up.
Savanna got in another plug for her wine and you can find out more about that at SavannaWines.com. Doug Goodstein came in and said that this show will end up on Howard TV starting tomorrow night. They're going to edit it starting in about 5 minutes and they'll have it ready to go by tomorrow night. Howard wrapped up with Savanna a short time later after taking a few more phone calls. He went to commercial after that.
Howard said he saw an article in the Enquirer about Dana Reeve. She apparently made a request to keep her son in the same house, in the same neighborhood with neighbors that they really liked. Howard thought that was pretty cool of her to think all of that out before she passed away. He said he was never that thoughtful when he thought about what would happen to his kids if he died. He said that maybe he'd leave them to Regis (Philbin) since he lives in the same building.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he really liked that Mexican Delivery Guy game they played earlier. Howard said they'll probably play that again sometime. Another caller told Howard that he got the S50 SIRIUS tuner and he listened to that orgasm segment over and over again. He was telling Howard that he's really digging the show these days.
Howard said that some people like to hear him talk about what's going on in his life and some just want to hear the sex stuff. With SIRIUS the fans have many other things they can tune into if they don't want to hear a certain segment. He said he can't not talk about the lawsuit that's going on with CBS right now. That's what the show is all about. He got into the lawsuit discussion again and spent some time talking about that.
Greg told Howard about hosting the AVN (Adult Video News) awards and what that's like. He said that most of the 5,000 people in the room are on ecstasy and most of the guests bomb. He said that he was able to win over the audience telling some great porn jokes. He said that Tabitha Stevens actually offered to give him oral if he said something nice about her at the awards show. Greg is married and he's not looking for that from Tabitha or anyone else. Howard asked him why he wouldn't just let her suckle him. Greg said he doesn't cheat on his wife so he would never do that.
Richard Christy came in and told Howard he had some clips to play from the most recent AVN awards which took place in January. Howard played some of Greg's jokes that he told as the host of the awards show. Howard was getting a few laughs from that stuff. In one bit he talks about his wife breast feeding their son for 2 years and how f'd up that was.
Greg said that he watched this guy Evan Stone banging a chick for a full hour one time and the guy was able to keep it going the whole time. He said that he's not sure how they do it but he's able to hold it until they're told to ''pop.'' Greg said that he invited a bunch of friends to the awards show and they all picked up some fake vaginas that were left out as party favors. All of them ended up banging the things. He said that he left his in the pocket of the bath robe in the hotel he was staying in.
Tabitha Stevens said that she would never have offered to give oral to Greg. She said she doesn't even know the guy. Greg said that she did say that to him and maybe they should call the other people who were at her table to find out if she did or not. Howard said that he was kind of offended that Tabitha has never offered him anything like that.
Greg asked Howard when the last time was that he got a hand job was. Howard said he and Beth just do it, he doesn't get a hand job. Greg said that his wife gave him one when she was on the rag recently and it was like she was shaking a martini or something. He found that he's no longer interested in getting a hand job. Jeff the Drunk called in and said he doesn't believe a word Tabitha says. He said that she's a liar and she probably did offer Greg a blow job. Jeff gave her an F-you and hung up. Howard let Tabitha go a short time later.
Greg said that he ended up throwing his back out one night that he tried to really fuck his wife like an Evan Stone would do. He has a new appreciation for what those guys do now that he's done that to his back. Irish John called in and said that he was there the night that Greg was talking about and she never offered him anything like that. Howard said he doesn't know if Tabitha said anything to him while he wasn't around though. John said that he's hoping his brother isn't in the city, he might come down and beat the crap out of Greg.
Howard said he saw a picture of Ashlee Simpson in the paper today and she looks really sexy in it. He said she's always thought that she was hot. The guys spent a minute talking about her. Richard Christy came in and said he's not all that turned on by it. Howard told him that's because he's not a man.
Howard gave Greg a bunch of plugs for the many things he had on his list. You should be able to find out about most of them at GregFitzsimmons.com. He went to break after that.
Steve the Intern was in to give Howard a preview of what was coming up on The Intern Show tonight on Howard 101. Steve said that it's going to be a Hot Intern show tonight with a bunch of the hot interns that work there on the show. They'll also have Scott the Engineer's intern on the show to find out what goes on with Scott.
Howard had Robin start her news after all of the previews.
Robin also mentioned a story about the next Sony console gaming system, Playstation 3, being delayed until November so that got the guys talking about video games. Howard said he's so glad that he got out of video games. He said it was a personal conquest when he finally stopped playing in his late 30s. Scott DePace is still into games according to Artie. DePace came in a short time later and said that he loves playing games and he's into Tiger Woods Golf 2006 on Xbox 360 right now.
Gary came in and said that Scott plays games online and when a kid yelled at him for screwing them up, he walked over and hit the kid's character on the head with his rifle and killed him. Scott said there was another time when he taped a hand grenade to another player and ended up getting blown up with the other kid. Gary wanted to talk more about video games but Howard was done with that conversation and didn't let him talk about what he wanted to. He told him to go home and talk to his kids instead.
Howard took a call a short time later from a guy who said that he just read an article about Jay Leno apologizing to one of his audience members for offending her when he did a certain bit he did. Howard said that's what Leno is all about, he doesn't like to offend anyone.
Robin was talking about tipping during the news and that got the guys talking about hair cutting after Greg mentioned he didn't tip his hair stylist after she cut his sideburns off just a minute after he told her to leave them on. Howard then told a story about his father not having much hair but still getting that little ring of hair cut on the back of his head. He said he's even started using hair product in his hair because he has a little bit that sticks up in the back. Howard said the guy has about 4 hairs on his head and he's using hair product.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he caught up on his American Idol watching last night. He didn't get to bed until about 10 but his TiVo helped him get it over with even quicker. He said that it's great to be able to fast forward through the commercials. He said he has been stopping when he sees Beth's two commercials running. He figures that's money in her pocket each time it runs. One of them is for the local lottery but there's another one that's a national commercial and it runs during American Idol.
Artie said that he figured they would only sell national commercials during that show but Howard said they do sell local stuff too. They talked about the way the networks are able to run like 2 minutes of local commercials so they can make some money. Howard was also saying that the local affiliates can get some decent money for those local commercials and they get it for free. Howard said he thinks Beth's commercial is a Mastercard commercial.
Artie said that he made $40,000 on a commercial he was in back in January of 1995 that ran for just 3 months. It only took him one day to shoot it too. Howard said that Beth is pretty lucky when it comes to getting those commercials. She says that she'd like to do more but she waits for her agent to give her the okay before doing even more.
Gary came in and said they give away free stuff back there and it's great. Howard figures that Mel (Karmazin) doesn't know about that free stuff yet. He figures he's going to take that away eventually. He was also saying that it was horrible back at K-Rock because they never fixed anything there. Things would break and they wouldn't bother fixing them because it cost money. Gary said everyone is so happy that they can get food there because they weren't allowed to even have a vending machine back at K-Rock.
Howard said that it was the worst working conditions back there at K-Rock and it's much nicer working there at SIRIUS. It's so nice that some people would rather stay there than go home. Artie said that he goes back and gets the Pop-Tarts (#160 in the vending machine), Wise potato chips, and stuff like that through out the morning.
Howard played ''Buttcrack Mountain'' in which he and Fred play cowboys Jack Off and Penus. The announcer, John Hunnerlach, said that he was getting blown by a young lady throughout the movie so people wouldn't think he was gay.
Howard said that they're all very proud of what they do for a living after hearing the finished movie. Artie said that was a cool movie experience for him. He got to finish up one of his Pop-Tarts during that 5 minutes.
Another guy said that he's been a listener out in San Diego for a long time. He drives a limo and installed satellite radio but he gets a lot of different reactions from people when he has Howard's show on. Howard was getting bored with his story and asked if he's banged any of his clients. The guy said that he once picked up a guy who may have been pleasuring himself in the back seat. Howard couldn't take the guy anymore and hung up on him in the middle of it. He said he tried to hang in there but the call was going nowhere.
A caller asked Howard what happened to his web site because it's tough to get on it this week. Howard said that he had complained about the old design and now he regrets it. They changed the site and they weren't ready to do that. He told Doug (Herwitt) to go back to the old design. He doesn't want them to switch the web site until they're completely ready to go. Howard said he can't be worried about why the site doesn't work, he just wants it to work. He said that Doug claims that it will be fixed by today.
Howard said that they do update the web site very often and it is complicated. They had it down to a science until a few days ago when they changed it. He just wanted it to look new and updated. Now he knows that if something is working he shouldn't touch it.
Doug called in to defend himself but Howard said he was making a mistake by calling in. Doug said that the site was up and running smoothly. The guys from In Demand put it up on his screen so he could see it. Part of the site was missing so Howard asked about that. Doug said that they had to strip it down to get the site to run correctly. He couldn't find the show rundown so Doug had to tell him where to find it. He said that it's like he just had his car fixed but they left the whole back of the car off. Howard said that the site looks horrible and there's no content. Doug said that they will have a great web site when they get it all fixed.
Howard went through the site and tried to find the show rundown but he wasn't able to find it. Howard and the caller he had on the line both wanted the old site back. He clicked on the tab that said 'Howard Stern Show' and couldn't find what he was looking for. He told Doug to just list 'Show Rundown' instead of listing every segment that they wrote up. Doug said that all of these things were discussions they hadn't had.
Howard thanked Doug for calling in and said that when Doug says something will be better, you can take his word for it. Howard was ready to shut the whole thing down because he gets so aggravated with it all. He said that he likes the way MTV's web site works and he'd like they to just copy that. Robin said that it looks like they're just trying to copy AOL's web site instead of MTV's. Howard said he really does want to be done with the whole thing already.
Doug wasn't there so Mike Gange came in and let him know what was going on. Howard ended up getting pissed when he heard noise coming through the microphone Gange was using. Howard said they put in a new mic and they must not have tested it. Howard said between that and the web site he's really upset.
Howard said he didn't want to talk to Doug about this film festival because he speaks so softly. He said that Doug Herwitt is just as bad speaking in a monotone and very softly. He gets irritated by both Dougs. Howard said that now he's got half a web site after all of the work they did.
Goodstein called in so Howard asked him what's going on with that. Doug said that they're going to have everything finalized and announced next Tuesday. Doug said there's a lot of legal stuff they have to go through... Howard cut him off and hung up on him. He goofed on his monotone, soft voice for a few seconds and then moved on.
Ronnie came in so Howard told him that he's got to get that fixed. Ronnie said he didn't know what he was talking about. Howard said he was hitting the up and down buttons and it was skipping over stations. He wants to be able to hear his channels and nothing else. He also told Ronnie that he's got to get the CD player fixed so he can listen and fast forward through stuff.
Ronnie said that he didn't put that stuff in, 'they' put it in for him. Ronnie didn't know about the CD player problem. Howard told Ronnie to get the satellite radio hooked up so he can hear just his two channels. Ronnie told him to just hit the radio like he usually does with things that don't work correctly. Ronnie said that he was able to get his channels on the radio yesterday but he had to go to the menu to bring them up. The radio they hooked him up with is just too complicated.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted him to quit bitching. The caller said that for the past 40 minutes he's just been complaining. Howard said he's got to get things fixed and that's what he has to do. The caller was from Pittsburgh so he brought up the Super Bowl win. Howard said that he's happy for the people in Pittsburgh because they really needed that win. The caller said that's the only thing they have to look forward too there in that city. They have nothing else.
Howard broke in and said that Gary was back in the bathroom puking. Gary said it was getting close and apologized for interrupting the show again. Gary said he didn't care that they were there because it's good for the show. Howard asked Gary if he wants to go home if he's feeling that bad. Gary said that he would love to but he's afraid that he'll puke in his car on the way home. Gary said he'll probably do that. He didn't want them recording his diarrhea sounds.
Howard told Gary to just go home because he looks really bad. He also pointed out that Gary has quite a belly on him these days. Gary said he's up to about 215 pounds or so. He figures that he's put on 10-12 pounds since they started there at SIRIUS. Howard said he's put on about 10 pounds himself. Howard suggested that Gary jog home. He figures that he'll start his diet today by puking.
Gary thinks that he has a stomach bug and maybe the kids brought that home with them. Sal came into the bathroom and tried to get Gary to sniff a salami he had. Gary said he'd puke right on Sal if he didn't get away from him. Howard told Sal to leave him alone. Gary said that Sal has been talking to him about going to a shrink to get over the fact that he doesn't get enough love from Howard. He also said that Sal watches his monitor during the breaks so he can try and read Howard's lips to see if he likes his bits.
Sal was still giving Gary a hard time by throwing gobs of toilet paper at him. He told him to stop it already and to clean it up. Gary actually ran after Sal down the hall because of that.
Howard said he knows that this was probably an accident but we now have a Vice President who has shot someone. He played more of the audio where Cheney gave more excuses about what happened. Howard doesn't even know why they're shooting these things because they're like pigeons, dirty little rat pigeons.
Howard heard that Harry was talking about how he can't believe they're making such a big deal out of this whole thing. Howard told the guys that he actually hurt himself when he went to a gun range one time. He said he didn't know all that much about guns and wanted to learn more. There were guys walking around with holsters out there like they're back in the old West. He said that they're all nuts and would ask him what he was shooting. They'd invite him over to check out their guns. They'd always have some wild guns with attachments on them.
Howard said that he did some target practice at a place where the back wall was metal. His face started to bleed after doing some shooting. It turns out he had some ricochet hit him in the face so he stopped going after that. Howard said he had a rifle one time that was so powerful that it would hurt his shoulder. He said it was kind of gay. He said he did shoot an Uzi one time and it was so easy to use it was ridiculous. It was like shooting a toy gun. Artie said that's probably why they're so popular with the kids.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Dick Cheney's explanations just didn't make sense. He said that the buckshot that comes from the gun spreads out the farther away you are from the target. He said that the buckshot would have spread even further if Cheney was as far away as he said he was. Cheney said that he was about 30 feet away so he wasn't claiming to be that far away. The caller said that he kept doing the math about all of that and it came out the same every time. Howard asked the guy what 14x4 was and he said 84. Howard said that maybe his math is a bit off because that's not the right answer.
Howard played a little more audio of Cheney explaining what happened. He was taking the blame for what happened and said it wasn't Harry's fault. Howard wondered if anyone will hunt with Cheney ever again after this.
Howard mentioned that they have G. Gordon Liddy coming in today. He spent a couple of minutes talking about how crazy Liddy is. He talked about the calendar he puts out every year with pictures of women holding guns. He said that Liddy has the worst taste in women too because the chicks in there are the skankiest looking chicks who are far from being hot. They spent a couple of minutes talking about Liddy before Howard had to take another commercial break.
Howard said that he's invited Bill on his show a few times and he won't do it so he probably won't do Bill's. Howard thought about it for a minute and then said ''no'' to their request to appear on the show. Artie was doing his Bill Maher impression since he did Bill's show ''Politically Incorrect'' and got snubbed by the guy. He said that he was like the most famous guy on the show at the time other than Mimi Rogers. He said that he felt ambushed by Maher that night. Artie said he was told to go at Bill a little bit because he was the funny guy on the show.
Artie said that he was joking around when he said something about the NY Times being a rag and Bill said ''Thank you for the dumb opinion...'' and went to break. Artie was just joking around and Maher took it as being real.
Lisa said that they're going to be doing a story on Kathy Griffin auctioning off a weekend with her and how there's one guy bidding $27,000 for that weekend. Lisa mentioned a few other things that they'll be covering at Noon and at 6 tonight on Howard 100 News.
Howard asked Jim what it's been like for him growing up as G. Gordon's son. He figures it must be tough. Jim was a Navy Seal for 20 years. Howard got back to Gordon a short time later and talked to him about his history. He had to have the guys change out his headset though because it was annoying him so much. They got a better set and got back to the interview.
Howard said that back when he was in the service they talked about killing a reporter who was writing some nasty stuff about the administration. Howard figured that if they were conspiring to kill someone, it would put someone in jail. Liddy said that if you don't actually advance the discussions, it's not a crime. You have to put some effort into it before it becomes a crime. They talked about giving him LSD but that was shot down. Then there were discussions about playing ''Aspirin roulette'' where they'd change his aspirin with cyanide. It could be years later that he's taken out. That idea was also shot down because it could kill a family member.
Liddy told Howard that the real bad ass in his family is his son Jim who was sitting to his left. Jim said that he's not allowed to talk about the stuff he's done in the service. Howard tried to find out if he ever killed a man but he said he can't talk about that or anything else he did while in the service.
Howard and Liddy talked about Dick Cheney's hunting accident for a short time. Liddy doesn't think much about the rumors that Cheney was out hunting with a girlfriend. Liddy said he doesn't think much about it because if Cheney had sex with a strange woman, he'd probably have a heart attack and die.
Howard asked Liddy how his radio show is going. He said it's going very well and he's working right there at SIRIUS with them now. He's not sure what channel he's on though. Howard found that it's on channel 144, the Patriot Channel. Liddy likes that his fans can follow him around the country now that he's on satellite radio.
Howard brought up Liddy's calendar that he was talking about earlier in the show. He told Liddy that the girls in the calendar are not attractive and Jim agreed. Liddy said that he thinks they are good looking and he helps pick the girls out himself. Howard said that the girls all have bellies and sloppy boobs though. Liddy said that some people buy the calendar just for the guns.
Howard asked Liddy what gun is his favorite. Liddy said that he likes a revolver because it has no safety on it and he likes a .44 special cartridge. He explained why he likes that set up. That got Howard back to the discussion they had about conspiring to kill that reporter. Liddy said they knew the route he took to work and they were going to try and take him out in a traffic circle. Howard said he feels bad for Nixon because he didn't know that Liddy and those guys were planning this crap.
Howard said he thinks that Bush must have nuts like Liddy working for him. He asked Liddy why the government can't just get someone like him to go into Iraq and take care of people like Hussein. Liddy and his son were both saying that they can't discuss stuff like that. Howard figures that Jim really had to impress his father and that's why he became the Navy Seal. Jim said that he actually thought he wasn't going to be able to get into college so he chose another path. Artie said he could have done that or become an effeminate florist in Newport, Rhode Island.
Howard asked Jim what the most dangerous thing he ever did was. He said that he almost got taken out by a sniper one time. Howard asked Jim if he could take his father out. He thought that would make for a great TV show with the two of them going after each other.
Howard took a call from Sal who was reenacting a prank call they made to Liddy on his old radio show. They had Crackhead Bob saying some unintelligible things to Liddy. Liddy figured out it was a gag a short time later so Howard bailed on the call.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Liddy to explain his ball sack reduction. Liddy claims that his balls kept growing and growing as he got older and he had trouble walking. He had an operation to get that fixed and now he has a big, long scar on his sack. He said that they were so big that it looked like he was aroused in the pants even when he wasn't. It was kind of embarrassing so he tried to have them fixed.
Howard gave Liddy a plug for his book ''Fight Back : Tackling Terrorism, Liddy Style.'' He asked him what the book is all about. Liddy gave Howard a quick rundown of what he thinks they need to do in Iraq. They spent a few minutes talking about that stuff. Liddy asked his son Jim to give people some advice about what they need to do to protect themselves from terrorism. Jim started to talk about it but his microphone cut out.
Jim told Howard that people need to have a plan and need to know what an attack looks like. He said you may need to get out of the building or you may need to stay inside. He said that you really need to know which way the winds are blowing and what to do. Gordon said that the TV show ''24'' isn't very accurate because they had a nerve gas attack on the show and they were wearing gas masks to protect themselves. He said that if just a drop of that stuff just gets on your skin, you're dead.
Howard gave Liddy another plug for his book. Liddy said that his son is a co-author on the book as well. Howard asked Liddy what he should do if he's attacked. He gave Howard some advice on where to hit them and how to disable an attack.
Howard thought that Liddy was a fan of Hitler's when he was growing up but Liddy explained that they had a maid who was German when he was a kid and she used to get Nazi mail and stuff. He said that Hitler was a great speaker and that's what he thought, he wasn't a hero of his or anything like that.
Howard mentioned that Liddy will be signing books at The Book Review in Huntington, Long Island. Liddy's radio show airs at 10am on SIRIUS channel 143. Benjy asked Liddy if he ever proposed to kill anyone other than the one reporter that he talked about earlier. He asked why he would even propose something like that. Liddy said that they thought that he was a national threat at the time, that's why it came up. Benjy thinks it's horrific and disgusting that he would think of that stuff. Howard told Benjy to sit down and stop it. Robin said that Benjy had a point because there is freedom of the press in this country and the guy shouldn't be killed for what he was doing at the time.
A caller gave a big F-you to Liddy. Another caller said that she's a big fan of Liddy's. Another caller said he was in the same service that Jim was in. He and Jim talked about which divisions they were in and shared a little there. Howard asked Liddy what he thinks about gays in the military. Liddy said it's not good for discipline when you have a guy showering with other guys that he might be attracted to. Jim said that it can break a unit up but he's never heard of anyone being gay in the Navy Seals.
Jim told a story about how he beat the crap out of a guy who tried to rob him when he was 14 years old. He said that the guy stabbed him so he beat the crap out of him until he was gurgling on the sidewalk. He said he was afraid that he killed the guy so he didn't tell his mother what happened. He went back the next day to the scene and there was no chalk line so he figured he was okay. Howard wrapped up with the guys a short time after that.
Howard apologized for the Crackhead Bob prank call the guys in the back made to G. Gordon Liddy. He said he was trying to play along but he was laughing so hard that he kind of blew it. There was laughter coming over the phone though so it wasn't all his fault.
JD came in and told Howard he had some audio clips to him to play. One of the clips was Dionne Warwick explaining how she got caught with weed at an airport a few years ago. She claims that someone must have dropped it in her bag because she didn't put it there. Howard found that to be kind of funny. Who's going to drop a lipstick tube full of pot into her bag?
JD said that he had another audio clip for Howard to play but his explanation of what it was didn't make a lot of sense. Howard said this is what he has to deal with during the breaks. He never knows what the guy is talking about.
Howard asked JD what happened to his girlfriend that he was going to fly in for Valentine's day. JD said that they kind of broke off the boyfriend/girlfriend thing because they were living so far apart. Robin thinks that she just banged JD because of where he works. JD was also saying that it was kind of expensive to fly her in.
Howard played an audio clip of Bruce Willis defending the guy who Oprah went off on about lying about his book on her show. Willis was saying that Oprah had Bill Clinton on her show and didn't go after him about what he did. Toward the end of the clip the reporter said that Willis had back pedaled and said that Oprah does a great job and thinks that her book club is great. Howard doesn't know why he back pedaled like that because he was right when he was going off on her.
Howard took a call from someone playing a JD soundboard. They had clips of him talking dirty from the day he did his phone sex thing. Howard played along with that for a short time and pretended to be whacking off.
Lisa told Howard that the black guys are banging the thinner white chicks now. She said that she had gained about 30 pounds while she was with this one black guy and he dumped her. She said she doesn't do any crazy stuff like some women do. She said she does like to do the ''massa and slave'' game with black guys when she's having sex. She said she's not even interested in having the guy lick her, she's happy with them just going in and out and getting the hell out.
Lisa told Howard she was trying to hit on their black security guard there but he wasn't interested. She said that she will actually flirt with guys in the audience when she's doing her comedy shows. She hopes that the guys will ask her out after the show. Lisa said that she really likes the contrast of color and she thinks that it looks like a Benneton commercial.
Lisa said that her mother hates that she dates black guys because she's very Italian. She said she's very ''old school'' when it comes to that stuff. She said that her boyfriend dumped her a few months ago. She said that she found that he was cheating on her when she found the phone bill that had $400 in phone calls to this one bitch.
Lisa told Howard that she's into really dark black guys and ''King Kong'' was like a porn movie for her. She said that she was once told that she has ''some bomb ass pussy'' by one black guy but she knows that she doesn't. She was also saying that she's got cellulite and her ass looks like she just sat on a gravel driveway.
Lisa said she kind of misses the relationship she had because this was the first Valentine's day she's had without a man in a while. She said she would have settled for a punch in the face from the security guard earlier. She tried to get back on the horse by banging another guy the day after she dumped her boyfriend. The guy wouldn't leave her house though and she had to tell him to get the hell out. She's kind of like a dude in that way.
Howard asked Lisa what her age range is. She said she'll do guys from 22 to 60. She usually only wants it once from the guys she's with. Howard said that Lisa's career seems to be taking off now and she was even on the Pam Anderson roast. Lisa said that she's been selling out shows since then and she's kind of surprised by that. Howard said that Courtney Love seemed to be out of her mind that day. Lisa said he has no idea. She actually grabbed Lisa after her speech and kissed her on the lips. Lisa said she was high for five days after that. She also said that she tasted like crack and a cheap hooker.
Lisa told some stories about what went on behind the scenes there at Pam's roast. She said that Courtney Love asked the makeup guy to make her look like Marilyn Monroe so she told her that the guy didn't have enough make up to make her look like Marilyn looks today. She also went off on Andy Dick wondering why he's even famous. She said that Andy was asking her not to joke about him being gay so she wouldn't do that, she'd just say that he hasn't raised enough money to get his vagina operation.
Lisa told Howard some of the jokes that she told at Pam's roast and had him laughing pretty hard. She said that she also did the Chevy Chase roast and no one watched that. Lisa said that guy is a douche and no one likes him. Artie said that he was a nice guy when he worked with him. Lisa said that's because he's famous. Chevy doesn't like anyone that's not famous.
Lisa said that she and Artie did the Donald Trump roast and Artie was very drunk that day. She thinks that he has a problem. Trump laughed at every joke and played along with them unlike Chevy Chase. She told Howard some of the jokes she told at Trumps roast. Even Don King played along at his roast even though he appeared not to know what was going on that day.
Lisa told Howard that she likes the look of a penis but she really hates the nut sack. She said she hates it so much that she actually flicks it when she sees it. She said it looks like one of those turkey neck gobbler things. She likes to look at a guy from the waist up. She said that she's actually thinking about going lesbo eventually because she gets hotter chicks coming on to her than she does guys.
Howard mentioned that they have a roast show with Bob Levy now and she would be great on that. She said she knew that because Bob told her about it. Lisa also told Howard that Don Rickles gave her some advice one time and told her that she should work clean so she could work anywhere. She said that she didn't listen to that though because she wants to do what she does best.
Lisa told Howard about the way the roasts work and actually showed Howard the notes she had from Pam's roast. She read some of the jokes that she told about some of the people on the show. She said that she did have to cut some of the jokes out that she felt were a little too harsh. Lisa said that she loves the ''cunt'' word but some of the guys took that too far. She said that it looked like Pam was actually upset by some of the jokes that were being told about her pussy. She said she cut out many of the jokes that she thought might upset Pam even more. She told Howard some of the jokes and he thought she was right for pulling those jokes.
Lisa said that she stared out in the business late, at the age of 30, after being a writer for a while. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Lisa is the reason uncensored radio is great. Howard said that he felt bad for Lisa when he had her on his old radio show because she wasn't able to speak the way she does normally. Lisa said she loves being on SIRIUS because she can be herself unlike when she's on regular radio.
Howard took another call from a guy who saw Lisa last weekend in Cincinnati and thought the show was great. Howard gave Lisa a couple of plugs for some upcoming gigs which you can find out more about at InsultComic.com.
Yucko the Clown called in and said he hates her now. He said that he got fucked over on the gig because he wasn't allowed to sell his CDs and DVDs. Lisa said that Yucko was kissing her ass before the show but he wasn't allowed to sell his stuff because it was her show. Yucko said that she calls herself the Queen of Mean but she's really the Prince of Whales. Yucko gave her a quick ''fuck you'' as he was getting off the phone. Lisa said that Yucko is really a sick fucker on stage and he makes her laugh.
Ralph said that Lisa was at the Don King roast where Jackie the Joke Man bombed. She said that she felt really bad for him that day. She said that Jackie didn't know when to stop and people were dead silent and just staring at him. Howard said Jackie used to blame him for not getting on the roasts because they hated Howard. Lisa said that's not the case and people love Howard over at the Friars club.
Sal came in and said he had written a few roast jokes for Lisa. He told a bunch of really funny jokes that went over pretty well with Lisa and Howard. Lisa said they were good because Sal loves her and it comes across like that when he's telling the jokes.
Lisa said that they used to kiss Stuttering John's ass over at the Friar's club. He joined for the 6 month free membership and then bolted. She also said that she ran into Stuttering John recently and told him that he made the wrong career move when he went on the Tonight Show. Howard thought it was good for him because he's making good money. Lisa said that John wants to become an actor so she asked him for her agent's information. Fred goofed on John a little bit doing his impression of him.
Howard asked Lisa about how tough it is to do comedy. She said that doing the comedy is actually the easiest part of the job. She said waking up in the morning to do radio shows is actually the hardest part. Howard wrapped up with Lisa and said that he'd like to have her on one of the roasts one day. She said she'd tell Bob (Levy) that and hopefully get on one.
After the movie replay Howard took a phone call from a guy who mentioned last night's Scott Ferrall show where a lot of Opie and Anthony fans were getting through and goofing on him. Howard said he apparently worked for those guys and now they're jealous that he's doing his own thing. He went on to read a story about XM signing Oprah to do a show over there but she's only going to be doing a half hour a week and when people sign on to hear her, they're not going to hear much. He wondered how the writer of the article could not look more into that.
Howard read another article about this guy Pierce Roberts who just quit the board of XM because of the direction he thought the company was heading in. Howard said that's a bad sign when a board member quits because of the way the company is heading. He said he expects his news department to do a full investigation on that.
Howard had Penny Crone come in to give them a Howard 100 News preview. George Flowers has a cold and didn't want to get anyone sick by coming in the studio. Penny gave a quick rundown of what they had coming up on the News at Noon. Richard Christy will be the next target on her Pet Peeve series. She also said that they'll have Marshall Fine reviewing ''Buttcrack Mountain'' and a Mr. Skin minute as well.
Jon Hein was in to give an update on what they had coming up on The Wrap Up Show after today's show. He said they'll be talking about Gary leaving the show early and how things run after that. Ralph will be in to help out with that discussion. Jon said they'll be talking about Howard's web site and what's going on with that mess. Jon said that he'd like to have Doug in to talk about that so Howard told him to go ahead and have him on because he doesn't need him in today's creative meeting. They'll also be previewing The Friday Show during the Wrap Up Show.
Sal came in and told Howard that they could potentially have more Oprah on SIRIUS than they do on XM just by playing a 4 minute clip from her show each day. Howard said that would be pretty easy to do.
Howard had Mike get on to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard really went off on Ted Harbert from E! since he was the one who got rid of his TV show which was the number one show on E!. He said that they can't even get over a 1 share with any of their programming right now. He called him a ''scumbag motherfucker'' and an asshole as he was talking about the guy.
Howard took a call during the news from a guy who said that he knows that Benjy pees and doesn't wash his hands. The guy was disguising his voice and said that he works there at the station and didn't want to reveal himself. The guys tried to figure out who he was but he wasn't giving himself up. The guy said he was going to ''Yellow List'' Benjy for not washing his hands. He also has a ''Brown List'' but didn't mention any names on that.
Howard took another call from a guy who suggested that they animate ''Buttcrack Mountain'' for the Howard Stern Film Festival. Howard said that's not a bad idea. Another caller asked Howard who the most repulsive person is that ever worked for the show. Howard said Benjy but then said that he really hasn't found anyone repulsive... except for Scott the Engineer. He and Robin discussed that for a short time and couldn't come up with anyone.
The caller also asked Artie how many hookers he's banged. Artie said that it's probably about 50 if you include doing anything. He said that includes getting blow jobs and stuff. The caller asked him if he ever sucked face with any of the hookers. He said he has and the guy seemed kind of grossed out by that. He said they were never the tunnel hookers off the street. He said he would never do that with them.
Howard asked the guys what the gayest song of all time was. Artie said that David Hasslehoff did a song called ''One and One Makes Three'' that was pretty gay. Richard Christy came in and told Howard that he downloaded a David Hasslehoff song called ''Night Rocker'' that wasn't all that gay but he might want to listen to it. Howard played it and said that it was pretty gay. Richard wondered why the Germans were into that guy's music so much. Artie said ''Well, they were into Hitler...'' JD came in and said he has a poster of David Hasslehoff in his office and it reads ''Don't Hassle the Hoff.''
Howard listened to a new Guns N Roses song during the news and thought that it sounded kind of good but they had Axl Roses voice pushed way back in the mix. Robin was also talking about Clubsoda Kenny who used to appear on the show with Dice Clay. Kenny was suspended from his job as a Detective and may be fired because of the comedy act he's been doing. Howard and Artie both said that Kenny is a really good dude and shouldn't be fired over a comedy act.
Richard Christy came back later and gave Howard some more gay David Hasslehoff songs. He did one with Laura Branigan that was really bad. Howard played a few seconds of that song before having Robin wrap up her news. They ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard said that the 'I'm out of control' Artie Lange show is right next to him this morning. Artie was eating some Devil Dogs and root beer. Artie told him that the vending machine is going to kill him. He walks in the room and buys whatever he feels like buying. He said his funeral flashes in front of his eyes as he's buying it though. Howard said it's as if Artie just doesn't care like a little kid. Artie said that's about right. He said he almost freaked out when he saw that there was only diet root beer in the fridge.
Artie said that he thinks he's spinning out of control right now but Howard doesn't believe he believes that. Artie said he's heavier than he's been in a long time and he really doesn't feel comfortable.
Robin said that Forbes magazine had a list of the worst vending machine foods and they mentioned most of the stuff that Artie eats. She said that Pop Tarts have no nutritional value at all.
Artie said that he ordered a Chicken Parm for him last night from Uptown Pizza and they had it to his apartment within 11 minutes. He said they've even stopped charging him for the food but he throws the delivery guy a $20 bill. He said he's begged the owner to charge him for it but he refuses. He said that if he bought the food it would cost him about $8. Now that they don't charge him, it costs him like $20. He said the guy is really happy with the plugs he's gotten for his pizzeria so that's why he's stopped charging him.
Artie said he had a side of pasta with the chicken parm as well. They'll even bring him a newspaper on the weekends if they know he hasn't left his apartment. Gary came in and said that one of the engineers said that Artie offered him $500 to fill up his iPod for him. He can't do it himself so he pays someone else to do it.
Robin read some of that article she was reading and saw that the cookies that Artie eats out of the vending machine have 14 grams of fat in them. The Hostess cupcakes have 9 grams of fat. Richard Christy came in and said that he was eating some Special K bars that were in the vending machine and they took those out to fill up the machine with Artie's stuff.
Richard thought that the Special K bars were healthy but Howard told him that they're about as healthy as a Snickers bar. Artie said that Richard is the same guy who thinks that eating at a Chinese restaurant is healthy. Howard told him that the sauce they put on all of the food he eats isn't as healthy as he thinks. Howard told him to get the sauce on the side so it's not smothered in it.
Artie said that he's trying to fill up his iPod with music so he can go out and jog and stuff like that so he can lose some weight. He was saying that some of these guys who he's asked to fill up his iPod have tried to convince him that he's going to like some new band and he never does. He tells them that he only likes the bands he likes, he doesn't want to hear anything new. The last guy who filled it up for him gave him some Maroon 5 crap that was too gay for him. He also said that he had some Coldplay on there and he can't take that crap. He said he's looking to exercise, not suck cock.
Fred played some Coldplay for the guys so they could hear some of the 'gay' music that Artie was talking about. Artie said that when he works out he wants to rock. So does Howard. Howard said that he's asked his buddy Richie to play some rockin' music at the gym but they have older people working out there and they don't want that stuff. Howard said that he hasn't been to the gym since he got on the I Hate Les Moonves tour. He's just been too sick since then.
Howard said that he was at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah and his cousin came up to him and rubbed his back. As the guy was doing that he told Howard he felt some fat on his back. Howard said he really has to work out again. Artie said that Howard took him down to the gym one day and the place was stunning. It's a private place where Howard doesn't have to show his dick to anyone.
Richard said that he goes to a gym where there are a lot of guys showing their penises. He said he'll bend down to pick up his bag and there will be guys dicks right in his face. Richard said that he won't even shower at the gym. He goes home to shower and he doesn't bother cleaning his clothes every time either. He said he sprays himself down with deodorant so he doesn't stink. Howard said that he has to stink when he does that.
Howard said he went to a gym where a woman used to stink really bad when she'd show up. He doesn't know exactly what the smell was but she reeked. Artie said he knew a guy who stunk of body odor and one of his friends would call the guy ''Man-You-Smell'' instead of Manuel.
Richard said he likes when they pan over the audience and you see guys dancing up on the balcony. That's the gayest part of the show. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the other stuff that went on during the show. Gary and Howard talked about one of the girls who shows her belly each week and it's hanging over her pants. Gary doesn't understand how young girls like that can not know that they're too fat for shirts that show off their bellies.
Howard said that the fat black chick on the show is disgusting and she should be a background singer, not a star. He said that they're looking for American Idol and a fat black chick is not going to win. No one wants to go see a big fat girl, or guy, and that's why no one has heard from Ruben Studdard since he won.
Gary said he was reading a story about Kelly Pickler's mother in the tabloids and they were saying that she takes guys money and runs. As he was talking about that Howard saw that Eric the Midget Actor was on the phone. He picked up and told Eric that his show was horrible and he wasn't able to listen to more than one minute of it. He said that he shouldn't have let Dunkleman take over the show the way he did. Robin said that they should give Brian a break because he was told he was the host of the show so that's why he took over.
Howard said that Eric should have thrown Brian out of the studio. Eric said that they did throw one of his friends out. Howard read some e-mail about the show. One guy said that it was the best show since Howard's but Dunkleman sucked. Another person said they actually liked Brian. Another guy said it was great when there was dead air and Eric had to think about what to say.
Howard asked Eric if he would have Dunkleman on again. Eric said he liked having him there but if no one else did, he won't have him back. One person said that they liked when Jessica Hahn called in and got Eric to talk. Artie said he likes Jessica but that call was annoying, he didn't want her to interview him like that. Howard read through a bunch of other e-mails where people bashed Brian Dunkleman.
Howard said that Eric is doing the show on his own next time. He said that a lot of e-mailers thought that the show wouldn't have been listenable if Dunkleman wasn't on. A lot of people thought that Eric doing a show of his own would be a disaster. That's what Howard is looking for though. Robin said that Brian was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday saying he was ready to kill himself as he heard Howard ragging on him yesterday.
Howard had some clips from Eric's show to play so he played one where Eric was critiquing the contestants. Robin was laughing as soon as she heard Eric speak. The guys started making fun of his voice within seconds of that. Howard figures that Eric would be floundering if Brian Dunkleman wasn't there. Dunkleman was laughing as Eric was reading from his notes. Howard thought that was pretty funny. Fred was goofing on his broken speech and doing an impression of Eric.
Howard was listening to Eric rambling and he said that maybe they do need Dunkleman there. Eric started to talk about the latest American Idol show and had a lot of thoughts on what's going on with the contestants on the show. He said that he thinks that some of the girls on the show have good enough voices that they could get their own recording contracts. Howard said that's really weird, you're supposed to vote for the best, not for someone who might not have a chance of making it on their own.
Artie said that he didn't mind Dunkleman in the clips he heard. Howard said that what he was going for was a show where everyone would turn off their radios at the same time because the show was so bad. That didn't happen. He asked Eric if he would like to do the show on his own next time. Eric said he would. Howard said it would be Eric, the mic and the fans. Artie said it would eventually become just Eric and the mic...
Eric said he didn't like the negative calls he got on the show. Howard played some clips of those calls. One guy called in and said that Eric sucks and he hates his voice on the channel. He said he would rather hear Dunkleman's voice than Eric's. Robin said that Dunkleman was saying that Eric's father came with him and he's a really big guy who scared him. They had to sit him in a room where he couldn't hear the show so he wouldn't beat the crap out of Brian.
Eric said that he heard that Ralph wanted to produce his show. Howard said he can produce it but he should stay off the air. Howard let Eric go a short time later and took some other phone calls.
Howard said that the death of Cliff is a big deal and he asked Tim Sabean to create some clips that they can play on his channels to remember Cliff. He went on to talk about what a ballsy move it was for him to move to satellite and now CBS is trying to glom on with this law suit they've filed against him. He said he's heard that Steve Lehrman over at CBS has been digging through people's e-mail trying to find some dirt on him. He's apparently working overtime over there trying to dig stuff up. He didn't fight for Howard when he was working there but he's fighting for this case.
Howard read some mail about his Hannity and Colmes interview. He also mentioned that he'll be on Letterman's show on Monday and he heard that Les Moonves has asked Letterman to be mean to him or something like that. Howard said that Les has no control over Dave's show and Dave isn't going to cancel him or anything like that. He said that if Les had a good case in this law suit, he would keep him off of the show. Howard said he's got a great idea for a t-shirt. He's going to have one made up with a picture of Les Moonves and his wife out a party and he's going to tell Dave that Les is busy partying while the radio division is crumbling. It took him a while to figure out which picture to use. Howard said he may actually have a couple of t-shirts made up so he can do some costume changes during Dave's show.
Howard read that XM radio can no longer say that they have ''commercial free music'' because of a deal they have with Clear Channel. He said that they're just falling apart over there. Artie said that's a major selling point and it could be disastrous for them. Howard said that having Clear Channel running some of the channels is kind of crazy. Artie said that would be like having the Red Sox running the Yankees. It makes no sense at all.
Howard said he would be furious if he had gone over there and learned that Clear Channel was running stuff. He also said that he read a story the other day about the guy who resigned from the board of directors there and it turns out that was a scam.
Howard read some e-mail about Gianni Russo who was on the show yesterday. There was some controversy about the stories he was telling about killing a couple of guys. He said that Jason was searching for more information on that story and he wasn't able to find anything. A lot of fans thought he was lying about a lot of that stuff. Howard didn't have any way of proving or disproving him so he just went with it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw a picture of Howard in Us Weekly and he really looks horrible. Howard explained how he went out to take his dog for a walk and some asshole was out taking pictures and snapping away. He wasn't prepared for a photo shoot and he didn't know that he was going to be photographed. He used to fight it in the past but he doesn't care now. He knows that he's not a good looking guy and he knows that he's falling apart. He's just accepting that now. That's how he looks and he has no control over that.
Howard said that he's no Brad Pitt and he knows that. He said he sometimes feels like he looks okay but at other times he looks horrible. He said he's done trying to look good. He's thought about getting some surgery done on his face but Beth thinks he'd look even stranger if he had his face pulled back. Howard said he's not even sure if he would do another movie if he was offered something. That led to the guys talking about some guys who are still making movies who don't look that great. Artie was talking about the movies he played best friends in. Howard said that he likes the TV show ''How I Met Your Mother'' because the guy on that show isn't all that good looking and the girls he dates on the show are fat. He believes that because it's more realistic.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she was listening to Bubba's show the other day when Howard called in. She said that Bubba said that he gets chills after talking to Howard and she wondered if Howard thinks that all of these people are blowing smoke up his ass. Howard said he really doesn't care either way. She said that she thinks Howard is a genius. Howard said she wasn't making much of a point so he was going to hang up on her but they kept talking about the subject. She ended up getting into an argument with Robin as well about the medical terms that she uses on the show. Howard asked them not to argue and got the woman off the phone. He went to break after that.
Howard wanted to throw in some Billy Joel or something like that because he thinks that ''Downeaster Alexa'' is the best song that guy ever made. Fred played some of that song but Artie doesn't think that it's his best. He said he likes ''Miami 2017'' better than that. Howard told him he was ruining the song talking over it.
Howard and Artie were talking about how passionate some people are about music and how pissed off they can get if you say something about the bands they like.
Howard said that he thought about all of that and figured that they could repeat the show and maybe the Wrap Up Show and Howard 100 News on one channel. He said he thinks that they're going to give everyone the show all day long on one channel and the other shows on the other channel. He said this will all start on Monday. They will come on from 6-10 in the morning, then the Wrap Up Show after the show. Then Howard 100 News will be on. Then the show will rerun on Howard 100 and it will also be running on Howard 101 for the West coast. Then the show will rerun after the 6 o'clock news on Howard 100.
On Howard 101 they'll have the West coast feed, all of the special shows, Bubba's show and all of that stuff. They may add some other shows on that channel as well. They will rerun Bubba's show on Howard 101. The show will be available whenever anyone wants it basically.
Tim Sabean came in and told Howard that they're going to rerun the show on Saturday's and Sundays as well so people can tune in and hear them when they could never hear them before. People can now tune over to another station if they don't want to hear his show on Howard 100.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loves the idea because he used to record the show in MP3 and listen to it in the car. Now he'll be able to tune in and hear the show all day. Howard also said that the internet feed should be available eventually. Right now he's hearing that it will be fully operational in June. He doesn't know why it's taking that long though. He said that he thinks that Howard 100 News should do an investigation into that.
The caller was also asking Howard why he doesn't make his TV shows available on the web. Howard said it would be nice if they could do that for subscribers but he's not sure if that's possible. Tim asked the caller if he listens to Howard's show at regular times. The caller was explaining how he listens on his way into work and home from work. Howard cut him off and took another call from a guy who said he likes this new format idea. Howard said that this is what people are demanding so that's what he's going to give them.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that this is the best idea ever. He said that he'll love to hear the show on his way home from work. Howard thought that people just didn't want to hear him all day so that's why he wasn't rerunning the show all day. Now he realizes that's exactly what people want though. He hears people loud and clear and that's why they're making the change.
Tim told Howard that they get a lot of input from the fans at SternFanNetwork and it's great to be able to respond like this.
Howard said that Elegant Elliot Offen was there and he's not sure what's going to happen this time. The last time he was on, he only lasted 3 minutes before he walked out. Gary was ready to send the guy away because he said he has a gag order on him about the accident he was involved with. You could hear Gary and Elliot yelling out in the hallway.
Gary grabbed a wireless mic so he could talk to Elliot out there in the hallway. Elliot said that he was told not to talk about the accident he was involved with. Elliot was saying he had another story to talk about and as he was describing it, he punched a hole in the wall! Elliot wanted to talk about how he punched some guy out in the Stage Deli years ago. He said that it was this guy Joe Corson who was working at the deli at the time. Elliot ended up walking out and gave Howard a couple of ''Fuck Yous'' as he was leaving. Howard said a couple of Fuck Yous right back at him. Elliot was still yelling as he was walking out and threatening to punch Howard out.
Gary said that he's not sure why Elliot wouldn't come in and it was wild when he punched the wall like he did. He seems to have lost it over the past few months. Howard said he really wanted to get the guy in there because he finds him so interesting no matter what. Gary said that he'll probably call back and reschedule though. He tried to chase him down to get him back in there but he was already in the elevator.
Howard heard that Shuli does a great impression of Elliot so he wanted to get him in there but he was on his way down to Baltimore... like a bunch of other guys from the show. Mike Gange, Doug Goodstein, Richie Wilson and others from In Demand are on their way down there. Howard said they always complain that they don't have money for stuff yet they'll go on a trip to Baltimore.
Mike Gange came in and said that they're heading down tonight, they're working today. He said that Doug is working and he's working as well.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that Elliot is great when he comes on. He also said that he loves the format change that Howard announced and he's going to love being able to hear the show 24 hours a day.
Howard asked Amy if she really wants to talk to Joey and Mary Jo. Amy said it's not a big need but she would like to talk to them. David said that this is not going to be a pay-per-view event. He said he wanted Howard to do an interview and then put it on pay-per-view. David said he has to pay them a reasonable amount of money but he wouldn't say what he wanted to pay them. He said he has paid them some money but they have a lot more to make.
David said that Amy is going to do Playboy so Howard asked her if that was true. She said that she might do it but nothing sounded like it was set. Gary said that David said that he wasn't going to talk that much but he was talking quite a bit this morning. Howard said he was asking David to talk but his phone was screwed up and echoing.
Howard said that Joey Buttafuoco is probably going to call Amy names on this show. He was asking her about that stuff and she said she didn't want to talk about the old days, she wanted to stay with the current day. Howard said that the guy she's married to seems to look kind of like Joey did. She has a type and it's not surprising that she's with this guy.
Gary said that he read that Amy got a disease from Joey when she was with him back then. Amy didn't want to talk about that and she said that she thinks that no one wants to hear about that stuff. Howard said that Amy has to come clean and talk about the past if he's going to do the interview. Amy said she'll talk about that stuff when she gets paid.
Howard asked Amy about being with Joey and if he was her first. She said that he was her first adult. He was so good in bed that she ended up shooting Joey's wife in the face. Amy said that she lost her virginity at 16 and things went down hill quickly after that. Gary asked her if she ever took money for sex when she was a kid. She said she did but she didn't say if Joey was her pimp.
Amy claims that she can't remember exactly what was going on back then. Howard said that he wasn't putting her down, he just wanted to know what was going on. She was being kind of difficult but David said that they're going to save all of this stuff for the special show they're putting together. Howard asked David to stop talking because he didn't want to interview him.
Howard asked Amy if she shot Mary Jo because Joey asked her to. She said it wasn't because of that, there were other things going on. She said she was doing other things at the time that led to that. She didn't want to talk about doing drugs or anything but that's what she seemed to be referring to. David said that's the kind of stuff they're not going to talk about.
Howard told David that this is kind of a bummer for him and he doesn't get what the point is if he can't talk to her about this stuff. Howard told him that people aren't going to care if they're not going to talk about the interesting stuff. He told him that if he doesn't shut the f-up, he can't talk to them.
Amy told Howard that Joey does things that every woman wants, that's why she fell for him and that's why other women fall for him. She said that if you have low self-esteem, it happens even quicker. Howard asked her where she got the gun but she claims that she doesn't remember. She said that Joey didn't give it to her, it came from a friend of hers. She said that things were different back in the 90s and kids were going around pretending to be gangsters so there were guns available.
Howard asked Amy about the prostitution thing. She said that she only did it a few times and it was only when she needed money. Howard told her that she could have gotten thousands of dollars for doing stuff like that back then because she was a hot white chick. She said that she just did what she needed to do at the time and that was it. She wasn't thinking about making a lot of money, she just asked for whatever she needed.
Amy said that she wasn't the person she is now back then and she didn't think about what she was doing. If she had thought about it ahead of time, she wouldn't have done things the way she did. Howard asked her about having sex with Joey and found out he didn't use a rubber. She said she may have gotten some kind of disease from him but she's hoping that it's gone now. It was nothing major though.
Howard said that Joey used to brag that he gave her the first orgasm she ever had. She said that was true so Howard figured that must be why she was willing to go so nuts back then. She ended up doing seven years in prison for what she did.
Amy said that she thought that jail was disgusting and she really hated that. Howard asked her if she's told her kids about what she did. She said that they're 5 and 1 right now so they're a little young to learn that stuff. Howard said that she'll eventually have to tell them about it because the kids will talk. Gary said that 6 and 7 year olds don't talk about it but their parents probably do talk about it in front of their kids.
Howard thought that Amy and Mary Jo had met sometime after the shooting but Amy said that never happened. Amy said that she has written letters to Mary Jo and they have gone back and forth with letters for a while now. Howard said that he was very angry at Amy for what she did to that very nice woman. He said he feels so bad for Mary Jo because of what she has to go through.
Howard asked Amy if she could ever forgive someone who shot her in the face. Amy said that Mary Jo must be looking for that because she did agree to do this reunion. Robin asked Amy if she ever thought about not bringing kids into this world because she might have mental problems. Amy said she doesn't believe that she's mentally ill and she believes that she's a good mother so she never thought about not having kids.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be an officer at the prison she was in and she was lying about what she said earlier. He claims that she was ripping it up with the other inmates and even flashed him. Amy said that's the kind of person that was watching her do everything when she was in prison.
Howard asked David who will be doing the interview for the pay-per-view event. David said they have a couple of people they're thinking about but it all depends on the venue. Howard said that will be a very important thing. Howard took a call from a woman who asked it was true that she has changed her look through plastic surgery. She did do that but didn't change it enough. She's trying to be a decent person in her life now and she's trying to get past all of that.
Howard asked Amy if she has guns in her house now. She said they do not. He took a call from a guy who said that maybe someone should put a bullet in the side of Amy's face so she can know what it's like. Amy said that's just Howard's audience coming after her and she's really trying to make a better life for herself. Howard told Amy that he believes that people like her should be put to death even if they don't actually kill a person. Her intent was to kill Mary Jo so he thinks that maybe she should have been put down.
Amy threatened to hang up if Howard kept taking calls from the negative callers. He kept taking them and Amy stuck around. Howard said that he would love to have Amy, Joey and Mary Jo on the show tomorrow but David Krieff is looking to sell the show himself so that might not happen.
Howard took a call from a guy who apologized to Amy for the Howard Stern audience and then asked her if Joey ever gave her anal or if he ''shot her in the face.'' Amy said that she's not that kind of girl and she doesn't do that stuff. Jessica Hahn called in and said that it's not just the Howard Stern audience that will treat her the way they were. It comes from people outside of that audience as well. She was saying that Amy is always going to be known for this Mary Jo thing. Amy said that she's willing to talk about this stuff but not on Howard's show. She wants to save it for the special that David is putting together. Howard asked her if she would do a reality show where she, Joey and Mary Jo lived together in the same house. Artie added that there would be a hidden gun in the house too. Amy said she would live in the same house but the gun idea didn't fly with her.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and asked Amy where she was with her gun when he got married. Amy didn't think that was funny but Bob told her that was another book she could write. Howard asked her if she would ever consider shooting other wives. Amy said they shouldn't be making light of what she did and she doesn't want to joke about that stuff.
A woman called in and pointed out that Amy did go to jail for 7 years for what she did and she believes that people can redeem themselves. Howard said that if Amy had gone to her house and shot her mother in the face, there's no way she'd be forgiving her for what she did. The woman said that she's not in that situation and she might feel differently if she was, but she thinks that people deserve a shot at redemption.
Howard took a call from another woman who said she agrees with the last caller and it's really up to Mary Jo to forgive Amy. Gary asked Amy if her husband knew who she was when he met her. She said she told him within 20 minutes of meeting her so he was aware of it. David said that the guy is a former NYPD guy. Gary said that in the notes it said that the two of them met online and they both lied about who they were in their profiles.
Howard wrapped up with Amy and David and let them go. He said that was an exclusive interview but Robin said it was a bizarre kind of thing to speak to her. Howard agrees and said that he is torn because he thinks about poor Mary Jo getting shot in the face. It's a very heavy thing to pick up a gun and shoot someone in the face. Howard said there's no way he would be able to forgive anyone if they shot his wife in the face. He said he'd go right down to the court house and shoot her right in the face if that happened to him. He said it was a hard decision to make to talk to Amy on the air. He said he actually feels safer talking to her than Elegant Elliot Offen though.
Howard took a couple more phone calls and ended up talking about watching some porn last night. He said he watched Savanna Samson and Jenna Jameson in The Devil and Miss Jones but had to fast forward about 30 minutes before he found something he could whack off to.
A woman called in and said that she hates that Amy Fisher. Howard was telling this chick that he wanted to rip off her panties... He was all worked up after talking about the porn stuff. He was complaining that Time Warner may have taken his porn On Demand channel away from him. He had to take a break after that.
Howard said it appears that Dave now knows how hard the job can really be. Now Dave seems to realize that Howard is a genius and it's not nearly as easy as he thought it was going to be. Howard said that it says in the paper today that Roth thinks that he's going to be fired. Howard said that if that happens, CBS probably won't pay him either. They'll come up with some way to get out of paying him.
Howard played the first clip which was David Lee Roth talking about his meeting with Tom Chiusano. Roth says that he thinks that he's pretty unique starting in the industry at the age of 51 and his contemporaries have been in the business for 20 years. Howard interrupted and said this guy really loves to talk. In another clip Dave talks about the meeting he had with Mark Chernoff and tried to explain to them that he only knows how to be himself.
Roth claims that he's been taking phone calls from all over the world on his radio show. Howard wondered how he would be getting calls like that. Gary said ''Wrong number...'' Howard said he's so glad he's on satellite now because he doesn't have to worry about ratings anymore.
In another audio clip from Howard 100 News, Roth talks about how this is the hardest job he's ever had. Roth said that Howard is one of his heroes and he knew that he was going to take his audience with him. He said that he didn't know how difficult the job would actually be and he's not sure if he'll last 6 months or a year.
Howard found another clip where Steve Langford asked Dave about how they wanted Dave to become Howard Stern. Dave said that they did ask him to configure his show in a way that would imitate Howard's show. He doesn't want to do that of course because that kind of formula can only fail.
Dave was asked for his thoughts on the lawsuit that CBS filed against Howard. Dave doesn't know all of the details yet but he's thinking that it could be a frivolous suit that would be dropped. He said he can only reflect on the things that he's read so far. Howard said that Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne were there so he was going to move on to them.
Howard talked to Sharon about how good she's looking. She said that she had about $200,000 worth of work done. She had her eyes lasered because she hates the way they look when they're cut. She said that they took some fat from her stomach and put it in her face in strategic areas. Howard told her that she really looks pretty with the surgery.
Howard said that Ozzy was so not hot when he first met her. Ozzy has stuck with her since then and now she looks great. Howard asked Ozzy if that was when he was cheating on her the most, when she wasn't that good looking. Ozzy was saying that he would regret it each time he was with another woman back then. He was also talking about how he's back on some anti-depressants and he's unable to get it up for anyone now.
Sharon is also on some anti-depressants because she's depressed about all of the things she doesn't have. Howard told Sharon that he'd do her in a flash if he could. He said he'd give it to her hard too.
Howard asked Ozzy about what he said about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in the past. Ozzy said he really doesn't have the right to say that because there are 3 other members of Black Sabbath so he's doing it for them. He's not going to perform at the induction though. The rest of the band don't want to perform according to Ozzy. Sharon said that Tony doesn't want to do it, that's the problem.
Ozzy was saying that he can't drink these days and he can't even screw so it's basically over for him. He said he's still writing songs though. Sharon said he can still do that stuff so it's not completely over. Howard said he heard that Sharon had her breasts up to a 34-DD at one time but she just had them reduced. Howard thought that Ozzy loved them and asked Sharon why she reduced them. Sharon said that she found it hard to find clothes to fit her. She said she took them down to a 34-B! Howard sounded shocked by that.
Howard asked Sharon to show him her breasts. Sharon said that her son would disown her if she did something like that. Howard asked how Jack is doing and if he's still living at home. Jack and Kelly are both skinny now and not living at home. They said that Jack owns four homes of his own now. Kelly owns 2 houses. Sharon said that Jack rents out some of his homes, they're investments to him. She said that he's been clean and sober for 3 years now.
Howard asked Ozzy if he gets pissed that Jack is banging Kate Moss because he never wrote a hit song of his own. Sharon was telling Howard that Jack gets into his Aston Martin and drives his model girlfriend up to one of his four houses so he's doing just fine. Sharon said that Kelly is doing 2 TV shows over in the UK now so she's doing very well also.
Howard read that Johnny Depp and Colin Farrel are both trying to get a role playing the part of Ozzy in a movie about his life. Sharon and Ozzy talked about how big Colin's dick is in the home sex tape that's floating around the web. She was saying that Ozzy's dick is like a donkey's as well so that's who should play the part.
Howard asked Ozzy if he's gotten things together financially because they had issues in the past. Sharon told Howard that she earns her own money but Howard said that Ozzy is the big money earner in the family. Sharon said that she earned $10 million of her own money last year. Howard asked her what that was based on. She said that she may have spent about $15 million last year though.
Sharon wrote a book about her life and Ozzy hasn't read it yet. In the book she claims that Ozzy drugged her. She said he put pot in her stew one time. Howard asked Ozzy what that was all about. Ozzy said that someone else did that and he had nothing to do with drugging her. He said he loved the stew himself but Sharon hated it because she was trying to get off of drugs. She said it was the worst experience of her life.
Howard said that he would find it hard to stay married to someone if she wrote something about him that wasn't true. Sharon asked Howard to stop because she was going to get Ozzy all wound up. Howard said that Ozzy is upset and she should apologize. He read another part of her book where she claims that Ozzy tried to kill her. Ozzy said he was all drugged up back then and he doesn't even remember doing it. Howard read the excerpt from the book and it sounded pretty funny actually. Ozzy came to her one night and said to her ''We have come to a decision...'' and Sharon said ''Yeah'' kind of sarcastically. Then Ozzy says to her ''We've decided that you must die.'' Sharon called the cops and they came down and arrested him. He was so high that he didn't remember doing anything like that.
Howard said that it's good to see Ozzy in a good mood even if he's on drugs to keep him happy. He remembers the days when he would get really pissed at the midget he used to bring on tour with him. Ozzy said that guy is dead now. He apparently killed himself. Ozzy once threw him in the baggage compartment of the tour bus. Sharon said they used to make him climb up to the top bunk in the tour bus as well because he had to climb all the way up there.
Richard Christy came in and said that Sharon is the best advertisement for plastic surgery because she looks like a young Carmen Electra now. He also asked Sharon about a fight they were having with the guys from Iron Maiden. She told a story about how Bruce Dickinson bad mouthing Ozzy while they were on tour together and how she got back at them by having a bunch of people throwing eggs and peanut butter at the band after they bad mouthed Ozzy.
Ozzy said he told Sharon not to put them on the tour because he knew that they were trouble. No one would listen to him though. Sharon said that she met a lot of Hispanic people when she was in the hospital for cancer. She ended up calling those people to help her out with the egg throwing at the concert. That's how she worked that out. She said that the band continued to perform even while they had egg shell on their faces.
Howard said that the new Ozzfest tour starts this summer and you can find out more about that at OzzFest.com. He took some phone calls and one guy said that these two are the best guests ever. One guy asked what ever happened to the battle Sharon was having with Insane Clown Posse. Sharon said she never thinks about those guys anymore.
Captain Janks called in and asked Sharon if she ever let Randy Rhodes get a little mud on the helmet. Sharon didn't want to talk about that and asked Howard if he wanted to talk about all of the guys she's banged. Howard said that she banged Jay Leno. That led to them talking about the relationship she had with Leno many years ago. Sharon didn't know what Janks was referring to with the mud on the helmet thing. She just laughed when Howard told her what he meant.
Sharon and Ozzy were arguing about the days when Sharon was with Randy Rhodes. Ozzy claims he was divorced at the time but Sharon said that he was banging the ex-wife back then. He kept saying ''No, no, no, no... '' when she'd mention that. They spent a few minutes on that. Sharon was telling Howard that Ozzy cheated on her all the time. She said that Ozzy even did a chick that Lemmy had done one time.
Howard asked Sharon and Ozzy if they would ever do another season of The Osbournes for MTV. Sharon said that they lost all of the money they got for that show because they were sued and had to settle because of the cost of legal fees. She said that some guys claimed that they were the creators of the show and they ended up settling. Sharon said that they lost every bit they made because of that.
Howard asked Sharon if she's going to do any of the guys in the band when they go to this Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. She said that there's a better chance of her going down on Mother Theresa. Howard said that Ozzy doesn't want to be at that event and asked him why he's going. Howard figured it was because of Sharon. Ozzy said he's going there to support the rest of Black Sabbath.
Howard gave Ozzy and Sharon some more plugs and then wrapped up and went to break.
George Flowers came in with a Howard 100 News preview. He quickly went over all of the stuff that Lisa G had gone over earlier in the morning. They have a lot of stories to cover today.
Jon Hein was also in to give an Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said that they will be talking about Ozzy coming in and how the interns in the back don't realize how big he was. There will also be discussions about Amy Fisher and David Krieff's call and about Elegant Elliot Offen's strange visit this morning. Howard thanked them for coming in and then moved on to Mike Walker.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Sal came in and said that Gary asked him to write him some jokes but not to make them jokey. Gary said he asked him not to make fun of Scores. Sal thought he was delivering them horribly. Sal tried to defend his jokes but they still weren't flying. Sal said it would be more like a speech than jokes. Howard told Gary not to use any of them, he should just talk and he'd be more interesting.
Sal said that when Gary talks he just gets stuff thrown at him. He also said that he's been busy in the back with Richard working on some good stuff. Richard came with a joke of his own... Knock knock...Who's there?... Sal's jokes...Sal's jokes who?... Sal's jokes suck!
Sal said that he's got some great jokes for the Daniel Carver roast that's coming up this month. He said that everyone is going down this time. Gary told Howard that Earthquake the comedian is booked for that roast. He said that Patrice O'Neal turned it down for some reason. That led to Sal going off on Patrice and some other comedians. Nick DiPaolo is one of the guys that Sal doesn't get along with. Sal said that Nick treats him like shit when they're out on the road. He told some stories about how poorly he feels he was treated. Howard said that a lot of people don't want to talk to Sal and he can understand why Nick wouldn't speak to him.
Sal said that Patrice O'Neal just isn't funny to him. He said he thinks that he sucks as a comedian but that's just his opinion. Gary is going to be down at Scores tonight so he gave him a plug for that. Richard told Sal that he should write some Baba Booey jokes for Gary instead of those other 'jokes' that he had. Howard sent them on their way and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard told Jeff that he's funny when he yells and curses on the air but he can't imagine an hour of that. Howard asked him what he would do on the show if he had his own. Jeff said he wasn't sure but Howard put him on the spot and told him to take a phone call. Jeff said he hasn't put any thought into a show yet. Howard said he's not going to put any thought into any show. The caller asked Jeff how wasted he is today. Jeff said that he's not wasted that much. Howard let them go back and forth for a few seconds but that didn't go over very well.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric so Jeff went off on him cursing him out. Eric didn't know that Howard had just asked Jeff to curse at the next caller so Eric went nuts yelling at Jeff about the way he was acting on the Wack Pack Show. Howard told Eric to call in as a sexy girl to see how Jeff could handle that. He did that and Jeff wasn't able to play along very long knowing that it was Eric playing the girl.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she thinks Jeff would be great on his own show but Howard had a feeling she was going to say that. He let them all go a short time later so Robin could get back to the news.
Howard was talking about how he really has fun doing the radio show these days but he's started to slow down the work with his production company lately because everyone is such a pain in the ass. He said that as long as things are going the way they are with the radio show, he has no problem. He likes the way things are just the way they are right now.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.