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Howard started off the show trying to remember back to last week. He talked about the big roast that they did on Thursday. He said he got a lot of positive reaction from people over the free trial they had on Wednesday and Thursday. Artie said he got some calls from people he didn't know didn't have radios yet and they're going to be coming over.
Howard said he went to see the new ''Borat'' movie on Thursday and it was really good. He said he heard that they're not opening the movie in as many theaters as they thought they were. Robin said they dropped it from 1200 theaters to 800 because the awareness of the movie isn't all that good in the middle of America. Artie said he's heard that some people are annoyed by the character. Howard said he thinks that the movie will be huge like the Napoleon Dynamite movie was.
Howard talked about how these days movies only get one chance to make it big unlike they did years ago. He said that the first weekend is the one that they have to hit big with because they think that they'll never do as well as their first weekend. Robin said that happened with American Beauty years ago. Howard said some of the Rocky movies did that but it rarely happens. Robin said it does happen like with the Blair Witch Project did but Howard argued and said he had spoken to some experts about that and they say it doesn't happen.
Howard said he read this article over the weekend (Sirius-ly Funny: Now I Remember Why I Miss Howard Stern) and the guy said that Howard claimed that they may have had up to 47 million people listening. Howard said he didn't come up with those numbers, he just quoted what he was hearing. He read through some of the article where the author talks about what a fan he was back when he was on terrestrial radio. He tuned in to hear him on the SIRIUS free trial that took place last week and realized how much he missed hearing the show.
The guy also pointed out how tired Howard sounded in his final months on terrestrial radio. Howard admitted that he was. He became reinvigorated when he moved to satellite and the writer heard that when he tuned in on Wednesday and Thursday. The guy said he was laughing out loud at his desk at work because the show was so great.
Howard read through the whole article and said that the guy really enjoyed it and that was the whole idea of the free trial. He said that's what they were trying to do with that free trial, just give people the chance to hear what's going on there. He also talked about how tough it was to do anything at K-Rock by the time they were leaving.
Howard said that the Pete Townshend interview thing that went down last week has hit the news everywhere. He played a clip from ABC News where they reported on Pete walking off before the interview on Wednesday. Howard had another news report about it where the reporter talked about Pete's dropped charges of having child porn. The guys spent a short time talking about that whole thing. Robin said she would have liked to have cleared some of that stuff up with Pete.
Howard asked Artie what he did this weekend. Artie said he did a benefit for a cop in Lyndhurst, NJ and it was great. They spent a minute on that before Howard moved on.
Howard read the article about the site and people are very upset about the use of the N-word. Howard wants to call the guy and find out what it's supposed to be all about. Artie said he wanted to buy up all of these racist domain names and just hold onto them until the racist groups came to him and asked him for them. Then he'd sell them and make some good money.
Robin said that there's a guy out there who has the domain of Hell.com and he's holding out for a million dollars before he sells it. Robin said that Sex.com sold for $12 million one time. Howard said he owns the domain HStern.com and the H. Stern jewelry people wanted it but he didn't want to give it up without getting some good money for it.
Howard ended up talking about Howard K. Stern who is now Anna Nicole Smith's husband. He said he hates that he's got that name because people confuse Howard Stern and Howard K. Stern. Robin said that she read that Anna Nicole was going to be kicked out of her house down in the Bahamas. Howard said he didn't hear about that so Robin joked that he should know since he's been down there with her.
Artie said he listened to The Bitter Half over the weekend and heard something he didn't hear last week. He said that he heard Robin speaking French to her parrot when she left and it made him laugh.
Howard said he saw his old buddy Chris Booker over the weekend. He's working out of Philadelphia now. He said he's apparently doing very well down there. He said that Booker's girlfriend is kind of bored down there in Philly but she comes back to Manhattan to visit.
Robin said she saw this movie ''The Prestige'' and really liked that. Howard wasn't sure if he wanted to see that one. Robin said she really enjoyed it. Artie asked about the Borat movie and Howard told him that it really is good. Robin said she was hanging out with some college kids over the weekend and they all want to see it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's in the military and he was stationed at Fort Polk. He said there was no Howard there. His wife ended up having SIRIUS installed for him while he was away and he just started listening again and he loves it. He told Howard and the guys how happy he is to hear them again. The guy said ''fuck regular radio'' just because he could say the word.
Howard took a call from a guy up in Canada who said he used to listen in Toronto. Howard said they ended up getting kicked off up there even after they shot up to number one as soon as they started up there. He said they ended up getting pulled off the air up in Quebec after they said he was promoting hate speech after he said something about the French.
Artie said that the people in Toronto could pick up the show via their Buffalo station so they were able to listen even after they were pulled off the air. Howard talked about how bad terrestrial radio has become and how no one can do anything on the air anymore thanks to the FCC.
The caller told Howard that he's going to bring his boom box into work and let his friends listen for a few days before yanking the radio out. He said he wants them to go out and buy it.
Howard said that Gary actually got off pretty easy with the roast because people were concentrating on other people. He played a clip of Artie roasting Gary. He was concentrating more on Howard than he was on Gary. Howard said some people wrote in and said that Jackie was looking kind of sick on Howard TV. That got the guys talking about Jackie's age and trying to figure that out. He's 58 years old and turns 59 in February.
Captain Janks said that there's one moment on the Gary Roast where Sal said something about Beth and Howard gave him a look like he wanted to kill him. Howard said that was something about Beth. He ended up talking about Beth and how she's in FHM this month. He said that she shows her ass in the magazine even though she's really insecure about her ass when she's in front of him.
That got the guys talking about Sal and what a phony he can be when it comes to his friends. He pretends to be people's friends but then turns on them and goofs on their looks or weight. Sal came in and said that the roast is a way for comedians to get under people's skin. Howard asked him why he would do that to Beth though because she wasn't even there.
Howard said that Sal e-mails Beth all the time and tells her how hot she is but then he turns on her in the roast. Sal said it was something he knew would upset Howard but he won't apologize for the jokes he told. Howard said that's fine but Beth will never have him over after he says something like he did.
Howard said that Joey Boots was on the phone and he said that Howard TV edited out Artie's jokes about Sal's kids being homos. Howard wondered why so Gary told him it was a legal issue and they didn't want that in there. Sal said he knows that Artie is just joking about that stuff though.
Howard let Sal go and then Artie asked about the legal issues with the comments they edited out. Howard said maybe it's that he's talking about kids or something. Gary said that Doug was telling him it's because it was about kids. Gary said he was kind of uncomfortable with the whole thing himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the roast was great. He quoted a line he liked from the roast and said that he thought Jackie sucked. He said he thought it was the worst he's ever heard Jackie on the show. Howard said he thought it was Jackie's best roast ever.
Howard had some more clips from the roast to play. He started to play a clip but then Gary came in and told Howard that Beth was on the phone. Howard put her on and she said that she doesn't get to listen that often but she turned in and heard the horse face discussion. She said she thought that Sal was her friend. She said that she and Sal keep in touch and do each other favors but she's not even sure why she would have given him her e-mail address. She joked that she was going to go wash her horse face and get going.
Beth was saying that she always sticks up for Sal and this is really upsetting. Howard let Beth and Sal talk so Sal tried to explain to Beth why he did what he did. He said that there were some comments on SFN where people called her a horse face and he knew that she was upset about it. Sal said that his family got hit with jokes and he was hitting other people's families. Sal apologized but Beth told him he could lose her e-mail address.
Beth didn't think that Sal was really sorry. She said she has a real complex about her looks and comments like that really hurt. Howard told Sal to go back to roasting Beth after she said that it was Howard who picked out that awful Richard Gere movie. Sal made a horse sound which led to Beth hanging up the phone.
Sal apologized over and over again not realizing how stupid that move was. Howard told him he was just kidding when he told him to roast her more. He said he was just trying to make light of the whole thing. Howard told him he's always fuckin' up with people and he just doesn't get it. Sal said he was so sorry about that. He also blamed Artie for telling him that he should do that horse face joke.
Howard told Sal that he shouldn't expect Beth not to be upset with him about something like that because it was a rough joke to make about her. Sal wondered why he has to be the one who Beth doesn't like. He thinks that she's overreacting a little bit. Howard said that she doesn't expect to be roasted during those roasts. Artie said that making comments about someone's looks, it's different than when he calls his wife a cunt.
Gary said that he heard that Sal's wife cried the entire way home from the airport when she picked him up because of the comment Artie made about her. Sal said that he feels bad about what he did to Beth and even apologized to Artie's sister for the comments he made about her. Artie said he didn't think Sal's wife would be so sensitive about those comments but now that he knows, he won't make them anymore.
Howard sent Sal back to his office to write up his apology letters to everyone. He can't believe that Sal is surprised that Beth was upset with him. Howard wanted to get Beth back on the phone so he could ask her if she's okay. He said the trick for her is not to give her e-mail address to Sal.
Gary tried to get Beth on the phone but he didn't know which number to call. Howard told him to call his home number but Gary didn't have it and he wasn't able to remember it himself. Gary eventually found the number and tried calling.
Robin told Howard that last week Gary left a copy of The Bitter Half at home the day they were supposed to play it on the air. There were only two copies of the show available and Gary left one at home. Gary was on the phone and said he'd come in to explain that in a minute. Robin said that everyone was scrambling around trying to put that together before Howard wanted to play it.
Gary said he wasn't able to get Beth on the air. He then explained why he had left that CD at home. He said he wasn't told that it was the master copy so that's why it got left at home. There wasn't much of a story there.
Howard wanted to get his girlfriend on the phone to find out if she's okay but Gary wasn't able to get in touch with her. The guys spent a short time talking about what had gone on with Sal and how weird things can get during those roasts. Robin said that Sal makes people feel like they're his friends but then he attacks them. That's worse than if he just attacked them without being in contact with them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he liked the two day free trial last week. He wondered if they had any Riley Martin show audio clips from his first day back on the air. The guy listened to that show and thought that Riley was shot out of a cannon that night.
The caller said he asked Riley who he thinks would play the part of him in a movie about his life and he told him that Morgan Freeman would be perfect. Howard and Robin said that might actually work. Howard had to wrap up and take a break a short time later. He mentioned that Paul Mooney was going to be coming in today.
Bob said that he would like to do a roast out in Vegas if they ever go out there. He said that he'd like to do Howard and maybe Robin out there. Bob said if they don't do that soon they could roast Andrew Dice Clay. Gary said that he and Bob were talking about this recently and George Takei and Dice Clay were the two names that came up. Artie said he thinks that Dice would be great but Howard said he doesn't think that Dice could take it if they did roast him.
The guys talked about how Fred doesn't really get hit with jokes during those roasts. Bob said that he wants his kids to be able to grow up so that's why he doesn't go after Fred. Howard said that they should wait until after Christmas before doing another roast.
Howard said he thinks that George Takei is too nice of a guy to roast. Some of the guys think that he'd crumble if they roasted him though.
Artie said that Doug Goodstein told him that they had two lawyers tell them not to air his jokes about Sal's kids. Gary said that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was supposed to come in and roast him but he got stuck in traffic that morning. Gary said he always invites that guy and the first time he was going to make it, he gets stuck in traffic.
Bob said that he likes doing everything uncut the way they do it on the radio show. Howard asked Bob about Kidd Chris not showing up at the roast with him last week. He thought that Kidd had gotten into some trouble after having him on his show recently but Bob said Kidd doesn't care about that stuff. He said Kidd got caught up in some other stuff, that's why he didn't come to the roast.
Howard thanked Bob for putting all of these roasts together and let him go. He took a call from Hook Nose Mike after that and he said that he knows four more people who signed up with SIRIUS after the free trial. Mike was also saying that these roasts are the best and the worst things on the show. He said that Beth had to take all of that shit. Howard said that he spoke to Beth and she was just tired of dealing with Sal, that's why she hung up earlier in the morning.
Howard took another call from a guy who didn't understand why Artie goes off on Sal about his racist material when Artie does the same thing. He also complained about Artie shutting himself down at around 9:30 every morning. Artie apologized to the guy for some of that stuff but the guy was also saying that he seems to want to fail at everything he does.
Robin wanted to know what Artie and Dana talked about this weekend but Howard was still doing that impression of her. He had her talking to Artie about finding Dana's G-spot and how to give her oral. Howard then went into his Artie and Dana impressions and made up another conversation.
Howard asked Artie what he did with the number he got from the chick that was in there. Artie said he didn't know what chick he was talking about and Robin said that he looked very uncomfortable sitting there. Artie told Howard that he has to get a girl with a horse face like he has. He was getting back at Howard over the whole Dana thing by commenting on his girlfriend.
Howard asked Artie if he's okay. Artie said he's fine. He's trying to get back together with Dana and he's never been in this situation before. He said he's not sure what's going on with himself at this point. He's got a lot of issues to work out. Howard wondered if he's in Danny Bonaduce territory. Artie said he wouldn't walk off a ledge or anything like that. He said if he was going to kill himself, he'd do the .357 to his head. That led to the guys talking about the way to kill themselves and Howard had him convinced to do it by a car in the garage thing.
Lisa said that there's some controversy in the halls there at SIRIUS. She said that someone has been thinking of retiring there. Howard knew that it was Ronnie because he had told him that he was going to come up with that story just to fuck with the news team.
Lisa said that Steve Grillo will be reviewing a couple of movies for the news. She said that Sam Simon had a special screening for Lori from the Superfan Roundtable. Howard said he's probably trying to get into her pants. Artie said he's seen Christine and she's hot, he wasn't sure if he had seen Lori before or not.
Howard and Paul talked about how windy it was in the area yesterday. Paul's road manager Tasha came in as his witness. Howard asked her if she's sleeping with Paul. She said that they can't mix business with pleasure. Paul went on to tell Howard about his censorship thing. He interrupted that story and told Howard that he got kicked off the Buc Wild show for mentioning Howard's name on his show. He said that he told Buc that Howard is the only white man he likes in this world and the guy flipped out on him. He said he told him he can't come back after the comment. Paul said the guy was talking crazy and claiming that Howard had screwed him out of money.
Howard said he ran into Michael J. Fox over the weekend and that guy is the nicest guy. He said he was out talking to a woman on the street and Michael came over to him and thanked him for sticking up for him about the Rush Limbaugh controversy that went on last week. Howard said Michael gave up his career because of this Parkinson's disease and Limbaugh is claiming that he's just doing it for attention.
Paul got back to his story and said that he was working with Whoopi Goldberg writing some material with her. He said that black people love Whoopi. They got sidetracked for a short time when Paul brought up Wesley Snipes. They spent a minute talking about his tax problems and then talked about Madonna adopting the black baby from Malawi.
Paul got back to his story again and said that he was working at the Apollo Theater which is supposed to be this really liberal place to work. He went up on stage and did some jokes about President Bush and he was later told that he was Bush hating and Bush bashing. He told Howard that he was saying that the man saying that Bush is the devil is right and he could prove it. He said that his first name, George, his middle name, Walker, and his Junior all have six letters so it's 666. He also joked about how Bush hasn't been able to find Osama bin Laden and that he hates Bush's whole family. He said the stuff was funny and the audience was screaming because it was so funny.
Paul told Howard some of the other jokes he told about the Bush family and it sounded like he was killing in the show. Paul said the stuff wasn't all that crazy in his opinion. He said that the show stopped in the middle of the taping. He said that the people who were running the show stopped it and thought that his Bush hating was too much and they weren't even going to tape his show. Paul wondered what happened to free speech in this country.
Paul said he doesn't think that this is a black/white thing, this is a free speech issue. He did add that he thinks that they're trying out all of this censorship on black people and they will eventually move on to white people after they perfect it on the blacks.
Paul said he thinks that the time Cheney shot his friend with the buckshot, he was just pissed off at him for saying something he didn't like. He thinks that it's just the way the Republican's work.
Paul said that he's not even that upset about being fired from that gig. He said it's kind of amusing that they're making such a big thing out of nothing. He said that Whoopi told him ''Welcome to the club...'' after all of that happened. Whoopi has had the same kind of thing happen to her after making comments about Bush. The Dixie Chicks also had the same thing happen to them.
Paul talked about how crazy it is that the airports are taking make-up and shampoos from people. He said that he's gotten through security with all kinds of drugs but no shampoo. He then said that he's actually never taken drugs in his life but he has been around it when hanging out with Redd Foxx and Richard Pryor and other guys. Paul said he once went up to Richard Pryor's room and saw him with a famous jazz singer and the two of them had some lines of coke on a Miles Davis' new album. He said he walked over, brushed the coke off and asked if that was his new album. He said the look on their faces was great.
Howard read that Paul claimed that Richard Pryor couldn't stand Chevy Chase. Paul said that was true and he also said that Richard loved Eddie Murphy which is the opposite of what people thought. Paul said that Richard didn't get along with Peter Sellers either. Paul told Howard and the guys some stories about working for Richard on Saturday Night Live and how it was like no one had ever seen a black writer before. He said he went on the show with Richard and had all of this great power there because Richard was so big at the time.
Paul told some stories about how Richard Pryor and John Belushi were good friends because they were both into the drugs for a while. One night he said he was out with Richard and it was the night that John Belushi had overdosed. He claims that he had begged Richard not to go out with John because he saw how wasted John was. Richard was off the drugs and booze at the time so he was afraid he was going to fall off the wagon. He lucked out and Richard didn't go out with John because it could have been the two of them that overdosed that night.
Robin asked about Richard Pryor's wife possibly selling the remains of Richard to make some money. Paul said he can't imagine that she would do such a thing. Paul went on to talk about some of the other crazy stuff he's seen in Richard's life but he couldn't say who he found Richard with when he was with him.
Paul mentioned Dolly Parton's name during that discussion and asked the guys how that felt. Howard said that probably emptied out Dollywood after the white people heard that she might have been with Richard. Paul also mentioned Barbara Walters' name. He said that Barbara interviewed Richard twice and she doesn't do that with a lot of people. He said he was talking about the young Barbara from 20 years ago. Artie said that she was only 70 twenty years ago. Margot Kidder's name also came up but Paul said he was just teasing about all of those names. He was laughing his ass off after that. Artie said he would love to see Richard Pryor's afro between Dolly Parton's tits. That got Paul laughing even more.
Paul said that Artie and Howard are cold after hearing some of those comments. Howard told Paul that he could top all of that and said that he and Rosa Parks did it in the back of a bus. Paul was laughing his ass off at all of that stuff. Paul said that he thinks he's driven Howard over the edge after hearing that.
Howard said that Paul has seen a lot of stuff and wouldn't let go of the Barbara Walters thing. He apparently didn't hear Paul say that he was just joking about that stuff. Paul was complaining about Barbara Walters firing his girl Star Jones but then he said that she had two jobs... She'd do The View and then take her wig off and do the weather. That got the guys laughing and Artie told him that he seems to be the cold one now.
Howard gave Paul a bunch of plugs for his upcoming shows. Robin asked Paul about what he thinks about Bill Cosby going around and lecturing people about being good parents and stuff like that. Paul didn't seem to know what she was talking about so Howard dropped it and took some phone calls. Ralph called in and asked Paul who Richard Pryor was banging back in the day. Paul wasn't giving any names.
Another caller said that he heard Paul on Bubba's show and he was great. He also said that talking about all of these white women the way he was is going to get him censored even more. Another caller said that Paul is radio gold and asked if he would like to do a radio show on Howard's channel. Howard offered to let Paul do an hour long show if he wants to. Paul said he would do that but he wanted Howard to produce it. Howard told him to do it all himself and he can have the show.
Howard started to wrap up with Paul and agreed that he is ''radio gold'' as Bubba would say. Paul was saying that thanks to slavery, there is not one black person in this country who doesn't have a little bit of white in them. Howard said that Wesley Snipes doesn't have any white in him. Paul said that he does have white in him, it may just be in his small toe but it's in there.
Paul was also saying that he never knew that there were any black scientologists until the South Park guys got Isaac Hayes to come out and admit that he was one. Now he knows that there area bunch of famous, black Scientologists.
Irish John called in and asked Paul what he thinks about Dave Chappelle walking out of his $50 million contract with Comedy Central. Paul said that it was actually $75 million and he thinks it was his choice and it was a good move on his part. Paul said that having a piece of green paper with a white man's face on it does not make you rich. He said being happy and having your health makes you rich. Howard gave Paul a few plugs for his upcoming gigs and then went to commercial break a short time later.
Artie wanted the tickets but he wasn't going to do any crazy shit for them. He said he'd just go to StubHub.com and get tickets. Steve the Intern came in and said that he really wanted them so Howard was ready to give them to him if no one was going to challenge him. Steve is a big fan and would love to see them at the Beacon.
Gary told Howard that Sal and Richard don't want the tickets but they want to do some stuff to Steve to make him earn the tickets. Sal offered to do a chocolate tea bag and Richard wanted to slap him on the face with his pecker. Sal explained to Steve what he was going to do with the chocolate tea bag where he'd dip them on his eyes. Howard told Steve he had to choose between the two choices.
Steve wanted to take Richard smacking him in the face with his dick because he trusts him more than Sal. Howard told them to just get it out of the way and do it right then. Richard pulled out his penis and said he would stretch it out to make it reach his face. He then whacked him in the face with his penis and made Artie cringe. Artie said he had to be boiled in water after seeing that. He said he's never been in the room when something like that has happened. Artie said it looked like he was cheek fucking him. Steve was happy that he was getting to see the band before Keith Richards dies.
Howard told Steve that he gets two tickets and even gets a hotel room in the city. Artie asked Steve if he could go with him because Steve only wanted one ticket. Artie got the other ticket and laughed his ass off that he didn't have to do anything gay to win that ticket.
Artie told Steve that they'll get a limo and everything to go to the concert. He said it'll be great. Artie still can't believe that they're going to see the Stones at a small venue like that. He's also going to see The Who at the Borgata and that's only a 2500 seat theater.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he liked the Paul Mooney interview but couldn't believe what had just happened with Richard and Steve.
Howard moved on to the porn chicks who were there. Gary introduced Justine Joli and Howard spent a short time talking to her. He said that she's really good looking. He asked her what's up with her getting into porn when she's got the looks of a model. She said that she was embarrassed of her body for a while because she's got some small boobs. She said they were like the size of an A-cup. She had never had a guy who liked her body. She said that she was bi-curious and made out with another girl at the age of 12. She said you can check her out in her movies that you can buy at JustineJoli.com.
Justine told Howard about her life and how she still bangs both men and women. She said it's probably 60 percent men and 40 percent women. She's single and only has a couple of cats that live with her. Howard asked Artie if he could live with a porno chick like that. Artie said he did have a porn chick live with him out in L.A. for a while.
Justine said that she makes some good money doing the porn and with her web site bringing in a majority of her money. Howard said he's not sure if he could live with a chick who was doing other chicks for a living. He said he couldn't share a chick with another chick. He said that would screw him up if he did.
Justine told Howard that there are some days when she feels that this porn career is like a real job and she's just not into the chicks she's doing. She said there are other times when she's really enjoying it though. She said the best time she ever had was when she did Jenna Jameson and Janine at the same time. Then she corrected herself and said that she did Aria Giovanni one time and she was great as well. She was right up there with Jenna and Janine.
Howard asked Justine if she wanted to take the Sybian for a ride. She said she was up for it so Howard had the guys set that up for her. Howard had her take off some clothes and said that she was very thin. He said he likes to see that because so many porn chicks are fat. She had no problem getting naked and said that she does that around her apartment all the time. Robin asked Artie if he still couldn't date her. Artie was distracted by the whole thing and pretended he couldn't hear a thing she was saying.
Justine's manager, Leah, was there and the guys were trying to set Artie up with her. She was a fan of his and would go on a date with him but Artie said he'd have to get back to her. He's still not over the whole Dana thing. Howard told him that his grandmother is killing him. Artie said he had to get some closure on this other thing he's got going on.
Artie explained to the manager what it is that's stopping him from dating her. He said that it's a combination of the two of them not being able to let each other go. He said this has been going on for the past 4 months or so. Howard said he doesn't understand all of this. Artie said he knows that but he's in a hellish situation and he can't get out of it. He said that he and Dana haven't ended the whole thing yet. The manager said that the best way to end it would be to date her. Artie said he gets that, it's not the issue though.
Howard went back to Justine Joli and said that she has a gorgeous body. He checked her out and found out that she's 5'8'' tall. Howard changed his mind and said that he could date her after seeing that body. He could get past the fact that she's a porn chick.
The manager was writing down her number to give to Artie. Artie said she was stunning looking but the issue was his sanity. He's insane and knows it. Howard went into his impression of Artie's grandmother and goofed on him a little bit. Artie took the number but he probably won't do anything with it.
Howard had Justine get on the Sybian. She got on it and Gary started it up. She started moaning within a few seconds. Howard had Gary turn up the power a little bit but she found it to be just about right. She was going into a little bit of detail about what she was feeling. She was barely able to speak and asked Gary to turn it down a little bit. She said it doesn't take much for her and she had just finished after a short time on the machine. Howard said he saw her feet lift off the ground during that.
Gary said that Justine had asked for a towel. She said she knew that she must have the look of just having gotten fucked on her face. She wasn't ready to go at it again though. Howard said he was going to give Justine another plug for her web site JustineJoli.com and thanked her for coming in.
Howard played the clip and the co-host asked Riley if the Aliens ever pimp out their space ships. Then Riley goes off on one of the guys there and asks him what's going on with the phone calls. He was pissed that they couldn't get that to work.
Howard played another clip where a guy asked Riley if the Bears would go undefeated this year. Riley said he could give the answer but he would be doing a disservice to people who are going to lose their houses betting on the games. He said he could give the guy the answer off the air though.
In another clip a caller asks Riley about a certain type of food that the aliens gave to someone he knew who was abducted. Riley knew the guy was jerking him around and told him the aliens gave him information so he knows when to get shit like that off of the air.
One caller asked Riley if the aliens were upset that Sulu came out of the closet. Riley went off on that guy for a short time rambling on as he usually does.
Howard had an audio clip of Blue Iris calling in and leaving a voice mail for Richard Christy. She was speaking to the machine as if she was talking to him live and seemed to be waiting for him to answer. Howard said that was kind of strange.
Howard did the Top 5 songs after that. The top 5 included Justin Timberlake with two songs, Hinder, Acon featuring Eminem and Jeff the Drunk... Jeff wasn't really in there but Howard threw it in as a joke. The real number one was a song by Ludacris.
Steve wrapped up his news preview with a plug for the Miserable Men Show that airs tonight at 7 on Howard 101. Jon Hein then came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He mentioned some of the subjects they'll be covering on the show after Howard's show today.
Artie's Dana issue was one of the subjects that Jon mentioned. That led to Howard and Artie talking about that for a short time. Howard said that it's still a foreign subject to him. Artie told Howard that he and Dana got together recently and did have sex so that seems to mean that he's back together for another year. Artie said that this whole discussion is torture for him. He said he goes to see Dana and he's still attracted to her and it's very complicated for him.
Artie said that the one thing that drives him crazy is the thought of her being with another man and thinking that it's better than being with him. He said that drives him nuts. He knows that if he dated another woman then things with her would be completely over with her. That's why he's not dating anyone.
Howard said he would be bothered thinking about Beth with another man if they broke up. Howard told Artie that he could have a parade of women though so he might be able to get over it. Robin said that it seems like they're still in a relationship at this point.
Artie said that when he started dating Dana he was 70 pounds lighter than he is right now. He knows that Dana is still attracted to him even in the shape he's in now and other woman might not get that. He said that he wishes that he could bang chicks with no emotional attachment but he just can't do that. He said that he's been reading about the Rolling Stones in some book lately and they were able to bang chicks without any emotional attachment.
Ralph called in and said that Artie might be gay because he's talking about closure and then going on a date to a concert tomorrow. Ralph also said he can't believe what just went on with the cock in the face with Richard and Steve earlier. He said it was just for concert tickets too, not even some huge prize.
Artie revealed that he and Dana had sex just 2 weeks ago after Ralph asked about it. Robin said that Artie is either in a relationship or not. Artie said he doesn't know what's going on but they are talking. Artie said that they're dealing with an issue right now and trying to figure that out. He said they're working through this stuff and they may feel close again.
Howard said he saw Ralph outside with Booker's girlfriend on Saturday night at the party they were at and Booker left her behind with Ralph. Ralph wasn't even sure what was going on but he didn't hook up with her or anything. Ralph said he wouldn't fuck his friend's girlfriend, he's not that kind of guy.
One guy said he misses the show but he's stuck listening to terrestrial radio. Some people wrote in about last week's roast. Someone sent in a joke that said ''What do you call someone who hangs out with comedians?... Richard Christy'' The guy wasn't happy with his jokes. Others thought that Artie did great in the roast. Some people thought some of the other comedians were great as well.
One person thought that Gary was the funniest of the group. Another thought that Lisa Lampanelli was the best of the bunch. Howard said they didn't get anything negative about that roast. There was a bunch of feedback about Pete Townshend walking off the show last week.
Howard read a few more e-mails quickly. One guy said he was upset that Jack Osbourne has been out banging Paris Hilton after hearing that during the Sharon Osbourne interview. Robin said she was thinking about that after the show that day.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who told Artie to tell Dana to straighten up or get out. Another guy said that he thinks Dana is pregnant and that's why Artie won't leave her. Artie said he wished he could say that. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Yucko the Clown called in and told Howard that Sal stole one of his jokes for the Roast last week. He said that Sal stole his knock knock joke about Jackie right from his act. Howard thought that joke was kind of an old one so maybe it wasn't stolen directly from him. Artie seemed to be on Yucko's side and said he's heard Yucko do that joke in his act. Howard didn't seem to care either way though. He had Robin get back to her news after letting Yucko go.
Crazy Alice called in during the news and asked Fred what he's going to do after the show is over. She thinks he could be a great actor. Fred said he's not sure that he could do that because Hollywood isn't knocking on his door. Alice wanted to ask Howard some questions but Artie interrupted her and got her all revved up and yelling at him. She said she was going to lose her apartment and she was going to sue him if she does because it's because of him that she has to yell.
Alice was going off on Artie screaming at him about this stuff but all she wanted to do was talk to Howard. She was asking Howard why he makes Artie's voice louder than his. Artie said that he wasn't louder than Howard was. Alice went off on Artie saying that he had better not harm Fred ever because he's such a great man.
Artie started calling Alice names and got her to scream at him even more. She was yelling at the top of her lungs. Artie was telling her that she looks like a pile of shit and everything he said to her got her more and more pissed off. She was calling Artie fat and goofing on his looks but he just shot back at her with some ''Fat Alice'' jokes.
Howard asked Alice to show Artie some sympathy because he's going through some tough times. She wasn't letting up on him and continued to goof on his weight and said that the reason the World Trade Center towers collapsed is because he sat on them. She was willing to bet $1000 that she weighs less than Artie does. She asked Benjy to attack Artie for her so Benjy got up and went after him like he was going to attack him. Artie said he was going to sue her and all of that plastic silverware of hers was going to be his.
Howard let the arguing go on for a short time but told Alice to go take a rest after a few minutes. She screamed out something and then hung up the phone. Howard gave a quick rundown of the football pool standings and then had Robin get back to her news. She finished up and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
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Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to a Monday morning. Fred let him know that it was actually Tuesday. Howard corrected himself and then talked about Crazy Alice and Artie's conversation on yesterday's Wrap Up Show. Artie apologized to her and told her he loves her and Alice was about to cry. Then Artie turned on her and told her he was lying and really hates her. Howard played the audio from that show where Artie made his apology. Alice seemed to fall for it but then said she was glad that he was lying because she likes to hate him.
The two of them yelled at each other for a few seconds before Alice told Artie she wanted to continue to hate him. Howard said that Artie offered to fight Alice during that conversation. He was telling her that he would beat the shit out of her if she came to New York. Howard played some audio from that part of the conversation as well.
Howard didn't understand one part of the clip so Robin told him she was yelling at Artie calling him a ''300 pound faggot'' when she screamed out.
Howard played a clip of Blue Iris talking about being the bride of Frankenstein. She tells people to reach into her twat to grab some candy in the clip. Howard said they asked Daniel Carver to do one of these Halloween clips but he went into his racist rant as Blackula. Daniel was telling everyone to watch out for the blacks on Halloween because they might steal.
Howard said that every morning he gets to work to read the newspaper and both the NY Daily News and the NY Post claim that they're number 1 in the city. He read the statistics from each paper where they claim they're number one and he's not sure which one is telling the truth. One of them has to be lying.
Howard read an e-mail that they got from this guy who was one of the people invited to the Gary roast last week. The guy was asking for a safe place to keep his luggage and then asking for a tour of the studios and things like that. Howard said that Gary showed him that and he talked to him about what a pain in the ass some people can be.
The guy was a guest of a woman who was invited to the event. She also sent an e-mail in and talked about how fun it was there but then she complained about Howard and Robin's rude comments about the audience members. She complained about Howard asking about them being there on a day when they should be working. Howard said that all of that stuff was joking around. Artie said that they must not have a sense of humor.
Artie said that he's been having a problem getting some sentences out because of his fat. Howard told him that he'll eventually get fed up and lose the weight. Artie said the vending machine is what screwed him up this year. He's been eating a lot of junk out of that machine and also some chocolates that they got from Jen Koppleman from the Martha Stewart channel.
Howard played an audio clip compilation of all of Artie's wheezing from the William Shatner roast. Then he played a clip from an Abbot and Costello bit where Abbot was wheezing just like Artie. Artie said those things made him laugh as a kid.
Howard asked Artie if he ever tries to lose weight after waking up in the morning and thinking it's time. Artie said he tried to lose a few during their August vacation. He said that he lost a few but then gave up. John Boy said that he should be on the Stern diet and gave him some suggestions. Artie said he can't believe that Howard can actually stand up after eating as little as he does. Howard said he sometimes gets dizzy when he stands up quick so it is a little bit too little food.
Howard said that Beth made some turkey meatloaf the other night and it was perfect for him. He said she thought it was a little dry but it was just right. He had that and a potato. Howard was going to let John Boy go but he wanted to ask Robin a question.
John Boy asked Robin if she would bang Bubba for any reason at all. Robin said he has no desire to do that and she's not just racing him to try and make out with him or anything like that. The guys talked about how Bubba will have to make out with Richard Christy if he loses the race whenever that's going to happen.
Richard Christy came in and told Howard he really doesn't want to do the Bubba thing. He said he can't make out with a guy, it's a huge step to take for him. He said he doesn't think he can go through with it. Robin said that Richard just whines about everything he has to do. Richard said he knows it's good for the show but he could never show his face after doing that. Howard played Richard's theme song and let him go a short time later. Artie said that all of the guys that Richard looks up to kiss guys for comedy.
Howard said Ratso went and dug up every detail he could find about Houdini. Ratso said they found out that he was a spy for both the Americans and the Brits and he may have been killed off by the spiritualists. Ratso said that he was not killed by the sucker punch he got in the stomach although the guy who did punch him was in some group that was trying to stop him from going around exposing the phony spiritualists.
Howard asked Ratso if it was true that Houdini gave his wife a code word that she could use to speak to spiritualists to try and contact him. He said that they're not sure his wife had the word but many of his colleagues did.
Ratso talked about Houdini's wife and got into a lot of details. Howard said this stuff was very confusing and asked how many pages this book is. Ratso said the book is 600 pages. Ratso said they did some research for a book about David Blaine and they found all of this great stuff and figured he had to do this book.
Howard wanted to know how Houdini died. Ratso said that Houdini never failed at any stunt he did and he didn't die in any of his tricks. He also didn't die after getting punched in the stomach. Howard had Bill Kalush on the phone and he gave them some facts on Houdini's burst appendix. Punches did not cause that burst appendix. Houdini was taking punches that weekend and got punched 3 times. Bill said that the death was very suspicious and said that Houdini didn't die of appendicitis at all.
Ratso said that an autopsy was never done on Houdini so they don't know exactly what did kill him. Bill told Howard that they spent two years on this book, working 14 hours a day doing it. He also brought up the fact that Houdini was a secret agent for the Brits and went into some details about that. Howard said he was running out of time and asked a couple of questions.
Howard asked if Houdini was rich. Bill said he did make a fortune but he spent it all going after the fraud spiritualists. Howard asked how old he was when he died. He was 52 according to Bill. Howard also asked if he was getting pussy as much as David Blaine did. Bill said he was probably getting pussy but maybe not as much as David. He said they did find that he was out there banging chicks back then and actually had sex with author Jack London's wife.
Howard asked where the Houdini name came from. Bill told Howard that he took the name of a famous magician and changed it a little bit to create the Houdini name. Howard asked a couple more questions about the guy and what his best tricks were. Bill said that hanging upside down on the top of a tall building was great because he could always get out of a straight jacket.
Howard gave the guys a plug for their book ''The Secret Life of Houdini: The Making of America's First Superhero'' which comes out today. Howard said he wants to write another book with Ratso some day but he has to wait a little while before he can do that. Ratso said that they have a whole day of promotion lined up for today and the rest of the week. Ratso said that they have an audio book out as well but neither of them actually did the reading.
Howard let Ratso go and said that he wrote a book about the NY Rangers years ago and it's supposed to be the definitive book for the fans. He also wrote a book about Bob Dylan and one about Abby Hoffman which are really good books. He's also worked with Anthony Kiedis and David Blaine. Gary told Howard about the NY Rangers book and how great that's supposed to be.
The Howard TV guys showed Steve what he did to win those tickets yesterday. Richard was banging his tiny cock into his face so he could win those tickets. Artie said he'll still get Steve dinner one night. He told him that he'll get Steve wasted on liquor one night if the concert is on a night they don't have to work the next day.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard to put that Ratso interview on the ''Who Gives a Shit'' channel next time. Howard said he didn't think he wanted to interview Ratso about that but after he heard about the book he got interested. He seemed to like the interview.
The caller asked Howard why they don't have Howard TV on DirecTV. Howard told him they don't have that technology at this time and they can't offer the same type of service that they do on digital cable. Howard read a press release about the Rolling Stones postponed concert and it looked like it was being moved just one day but it was kind of confusing so he wasn't sure what was going on there.
Howard read through the article again and tried to figure it out for Artie. He figures it was just one day that it was postponed so it was good news for Steve and Artie. Then Howard said that Steve is supposed to host the Intern Show tomorrow night but they may be able to find someone else to fill in for him.
Howard told Fred that he played the worst Rolling Stones song during the show yesterday. It was ''Rip this Joint'' and Howard doesn't like it. Fred said that fans would say different and it's always listed as one of their best. Howard told Fred to go ahead and play the song. Howard still didn't like it and Robin agreed with him that it wasn't one of their better songs.
Howard told Fred that he has to find some songs that are a little more mainstream for the fans. Fred told Howard that the Stones ''Moonlight Mile'' isn't more mainstream than the other song. Howard agreed but he told him to go ahead and play it anyway. Fred laughed after Robin and Howard said the song sounded beautiful. Howard let it play through for a short time. Artie said that he read the book about the band and Mick Taylor got dicked over on that song because he performed on it but didn't get credit.
Howard said he was telling his daughter about what's been going on with the show lately and mentioned that Artie was on heroin last year. He said she was shocked by that news and thought it was pretty random that he would do heroin. Howard went into his Grandma Caprio impression and goofed on Artie a little bit. He made a reference to St. Anthony in the goof and Artie thought it was a great reference. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Gary Garver went to this Reba McIntyre event and interviewed some people and they all seemed to get along with him... but he got kicked out anyway. The first interview Howard played was Dolly Parton. Garver asked her a bunch of questions and she seemed to be okay with them. Next up was Jennifer Nettles from the band Sugarland. Garver asked her a couple of softball questions and she didn't seem to have a problem with him either.
Howard said everything was going okay but then they kicked Gary out of the event and wouldn't even let him go to his car to get his stuff. Garver was being brought out to the sidewalk so he asked what was going on and why he couldn't go get his car. Security told him he had to wait until the event was over before he could go get his car. Gary told them it was bullshit and he was going to get his car. Howard said he feels bad for Gary because he gets no respect.
Howard asked Riley what was going on there. Riley said it was Slevin telling him about something. They were having problems with the equipment and some people didn't know how to use it. Riley said he wasn't upset with Slevin about the question he was asking. He did think it wasn't really of his intellect to ask a question like that but it wasn't that bad.
Howard told Riley that it wasn't that bad of a question. Riley said that the aliens are not out there doing drive bys and lowering their ships like Slevin was asking. Gary asked Riley what happened to Curtis who was his co-host on his show in the past. Riley said that Curtis is not working with him on this project and he has some new people with him.
Howard asked Riley about the three beds he has in his room and if his new co-host is sleeping in the same room as he is. Riley said that he has beds in the house for his friends to stay over but they don't stay in the same room or anything. Riley also said that he and his wife don't always sleep together because he likes to work on his symbols at night.
Howard said that Riley has this business where he sells these symbols to people who want to be taken off the planet when the aliens come to take us. Riley said you can visit RileyMartin.org to find out more about them. Riley defended his symbols and said that it takes many hours of work to create them. He said they are people's tickets off of the planet and they're not a joke.
Howard said that the drawings aren't even all that great. Riley has had many years to practice with them but they look like kids drawings. Riley said that he has sold a few thousand of the symbols. He said that before the aliens come he will have distributed all 144,000 of them so everyone who has one can get off the planet.
Howard asked Riley why the symbols don't help him. Riley said that he is reaching millions of people in the world by doing his show on SIRIUS. Riley said he's been doing the symbols since about 1990 after he wrote his book (The Coming of Tan).
Howard had Riley Martin audio clips on the phone to talk to the real Riley. Riley wasn't going for it and just stayed quiet while the guys played the audio clips. Riley did let out a few laughs when he heard that stuff though.
Howard played a clip from last week's Riley Martin show where he refused to tell a caller if the Bears would go undefeated this year. Riley didn't want to cause a rift in the time/space continuum. Riley said that he's not there to be their psychic friend. Riley said he's there to tell people where the world is headed because Earth is in trouble.
Riley was telling the guys that he's demeaning himself by talking to them the way he does. He said that he has promised to give the world all of the information he knows so that's why he's doing this show on SIRIUS. Howard gave him a plug for his show and let him go a short time later. He said that next time they do a football pool, they're going to have Riley in it.
Howard said that they have a Penthouse Pet Pageant coming up today. There are a few girls there who want to win Penthouse Pet of the Year. Howard took a call from Scott Ferrall who said that Riley has no ability to pick football games from the mother ship. He said that Riley was on his show one day and he was telling him to shut the fuck up as he was talking about the space ship that his friend had seen. Howard told Scott he wants to have Riley do the football pool to see just how much he does know.
Howard gave Scott a plug for his show which airs each night starting at 8pm. He let him go a short time later and then went to break.
Howard said they had a bunch of hot chicks from Penthouse there to compete in the Penthouse Pet Beauty Pageant. He said that he, Robin, Fred, Artie and Gary will vote on the contest. He said Richard was asking if he could sit in on the voting. He forgot about what creepy guy he is. Gary told Howard that Richard was talking to him in a really creepy tone asking to be part of the whole thing.
Howard had Richard come in so he could ask him why he wants to be part of this. Richard said he knows a lot about all of these girls because he has pleasured himself to all of their pictures. He said he's a really big fan of Penthouse. Howard told him he could sit in as long as the girls didn't have a problem with it. He goofed on his creepy tone and the way he's sulking around trying to get into the studio. Richard laughed and said he loves naked pictures.
Howard had the first girl, Melissa Jacobs, come in. He started speaking to her in his own creepy tone when she came in. Howard told her what she was going to be judged on. He asked her what she wins if she does win the Penthouse Pet of the Year. She said it's a prestigious title and there are some prizes. Gary asked her if her price at clubs is driven up after winning something like this. She said she could go around to different events for the magazine and doing stuff for them.
Richard said he absolutely knows this girl, he's beat off to her before. He said that she's got natural breasts too. Howard asked her if she's going to show them anything. She said she's been waiting 10 years to do this so she's got all of this pent up energy. Howard said you can vote for the girls at PetOfTheYear.com
Howard was amazed that her breasts were real and said there's no way they are. He asked Gary to feel them but he's not allowed to do that. Mike Gange went over and did it for him. Artie volunteered to feel them as well. He went over and felt her up too. Artie said that you could Sheetrock a house with those things, they felt like dry wall. Howard went over and felt her up as well and said that he's pretty sure they're fake. He likes them, he wasn't complaining.
Howard had Melissa take off her skirt and said she had a great ass. Artie said she's got a kick ass body. Melissa told Howard that Charlie Laine said hello to him but he had no memory of who she was even though she was on the show. Howard said there's nothing wrong with this chick. She told Howard about how she and some of the other pets mess around with each other once in a while.
Howard asked Melissa if she likes it when a guy sticks a finger up her ass. She said she does like it if it's just a little bit. She likes to have it up there when she's on the verge of an orgasm. Howard asked Robin if she likes that. Robin quickly said ''no'' so Richard said that she likes the whole penis in there instead.
Gary asked Melissa about how she got involved with a married couple one time. She said she had met the people through friends of hers and she was attracted to both of them. Howard said he'd jam his tongue in her if he was with her. She said she likes all kinds of stuff and likes to be on top of a guy. Artie said that he had to sit down after hearing that. Richard asked Melissa if she ever sticks her tongue in a man's ass. She said she doesn't do that.
Howard liked Melissa's abs. Artie told her that she'd be in the gym all day long if she was with him. Howard had to ask an official question next for this contest. He read some of her bio and found that she had never posed nude before she appeared in Penthouse. She was an accountant before that. Howard asked her ''If you had to have sex with one kind of animal, what kind and why?'' She didn't like the question and didn't want to answer it. Howard told her she had to give an answer. Melissa said it would be a tiger because they're really cool and beautiful creatures.
Howard had Melissa do her talent portion where she was going to play the clarinet. She hasn't played since high school but she played for 6 years back then. Howard played her background music and she played along to it. Howard and Artie laughed as she was playing but they seemed to like it.
Howard told Melissa she had to do another talent portion where she had to try and sing while shoving a hot dog down her throat. She said it was no hot dog, it was much bigger. They were evaluating her on the singing and on how far down she could get the hot dog. She started to sing ''Row, Row, Row Your Boat'' as she jammed it in her mouth. Gange took a measurement and it was only 2.5 inches.
Howard was going to do the judging but then figured they'd just pick their favorite at the end. He let Melissa go and gave the girls them a bunch of plugs for the magazine, the web site and an appearance they're making at the Penthouse Club. He got into another discussion with Melissa about having sex with other women. She told her story about the couple that she hooked up with and how that all went down. She said the guy did her first so she was kind of surprised at that. She said the guy lasted pretty long while he was doing her from behind while she was eating out the wife. She said that the guy was wearing a condom so he didn't finish on her.
Richard asked if they wanted to guess at how her private parts were shaved. Artie said he'd rather just see it without guessing. Howard agreed and had her take her pants off. She had a little landing strip and she said that photographers have told her that it looks better if she has hair there. She said it proves that she's of age.
Howard moved on to the next girl, Shay Laren. Howard said he had forgotten about Melissa already after Shay came in. Howard asked her if her breasts were real because they were huge. She promised that they were real. Gary told Howard that she's been married and divorced already and she's only 20 years old. She said she lived over in Germany for a while in a military area and the guys were very needy. She got married at 18 and got divorced at 19. She said the guy was weird and wanted her to stick fingers up his ass. She also wanted him to lick his ass and stuff like that. She said he wanted her to be with other men in front of him too so she had to get out of that relationship. She also said that he cheated on her with a military chick.
Howard had Shay take her top off and seemed to be amazed with them. Gary said that they are real and you can tell just by looking at them. Shay said that they're a D-cup and they do hurt her back a bit. She said she has to wear two sports bras when she works out. She was willing to take more clothes off so Howard told her to go right ahead and do it.
Howard then asked Shay some personality questions. He asked her who in her family she would prefer to be molested by. She sounded shocked by that question but she went through some people and settled on her Dad because she's never met him. She said that her mother got pregnant in high school and the guy shipped off to the military and he never came around. She said she knows that she exists but he apparently doesn't care.
Howard asked Shay what special talent she was going to do. She was going to act and do a scene from Harry met Sally but she had to change it to When Howard met Shay. She did the scene with Howard. They did a scene similar to the scene in the movie where Sally fakes an orgasm. Shay went on to fake it after a little bit of dialog. Robin let out a laugh in the middle of it.
Howard asked Shay to do the final test where she takes a hot dog down the throat while trying to sing. She sang ''Mary Had a Little Lamb'' and choked on the hot dog in the middle of it. Mike Gange measured how far down it went and said it was also 2.5 inches like Melissa did. Richard told her that she could get some extra points if she took her bottoms off. She said she would do that but she also had a landing strip. She said she prefers it to be completely bald but the photographers tell her to keep the landing strip. The guys checked her out and then Howard moved on to the next girl.
Howard said the next girl is Jennifer Emerson. He had her come in and the guys wondered if she had been drinking this morning. She said it was too early in the morning for that. Howard asked Richard what he knows about her. He said that she's got real nice big breasts. Gary was guessing that they were fake. Howard asked Jennifer if she likes anal. She said she does if a guy is fingering her or something like that at the same time. She said she doesn't do it that often but has done it quite a few times. She said she might do it once or twice every couple of weeks.
Jennifer said that she loves giving a guy oral and she's been told she's great at it. She talked about the way she does things to a guy and how she swallows and deep throats and stuff like that. She gets turned on seeing a man's dick going inside of her. She said she has filmed herself having sex but they're private films that she won't show anyone. Jennifer told Howard that she'll even shave a guy down because she likes when a guy has no hair.
Howard asked her if she was willing to get naked for them. She said she was ready. She also told them how she got into the Penthouse thing. She claims that she's never had two men at the same time but she does like to have both inputs stimulated at the same time. Howard said he was learning some things today. Artie said she seems like a nurturer and she could probably talk him into doing some things.
Howard had Jennifer take her top off and asked her about being on Bubba's show yesterday. She said that Bubba asked all of his listeners to vote for her if she would give oral to his wife. She agreed to it and said she wanted to experience it anyway so it was no big deal. Howard said she had quite a body. Artie said she had a couple of torpedo's on her chest. She was completely shaved down and said that she prefers to be totally shaved there.
Howard asked Jennifer to pick one of these three men to have sex with... Osama bin Laden, Hitler and Charles Manson. She picked Osama. She had to do her talent portion next and said she was going to do some comedy for them. She had to read it off a piece of paper. She didn't write them herself though. She told a joke that some friends told her. She even had a pretty racist joke that was something like ''What's long and black and smells like shit?... The unemployment line.'' She had no idea that it was racist and said that the guys in the back told her to tell the joke. Artie goofed on her and told some racist jokes doing his female voice.
Gary said that Jennifer skipped one joke. She didn't like that they were making fun of her. Gary had her read the joke... ''What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?... One doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.'' Howard knew the answer for that one and said he has lived it so he knows it.
Howard had Jennifer sing and shove the hot dog down her throat. She sang ''Silent Night'' as she was shoving it down her throat. Mike Gange measured and found that she had shoved 4 1/4 inches down her throat. Howard said she was beautiful and applauded her. He said that all of the girls want the fans to vote for them. They had to pick one out of the four to win this pageant.
Howard brought in the next girl, Heather Vandeven. He said she was really hot. He asked her some questions and found out that she's the one who claims to be attracted to him. She said that she was at his last gig on regular radio. She didn't even ask to come down there, she just showed up. Gary figured she was a big fan if that's the case. She's also attracted to Jeff Goldblum.
Howard read that Heather had done a porn movie so he asked her about that. He also asked her about her breasts and found out they're not real. Gary said the porn movie she did was the one that Eddie Van Halen produced. He also said that she made out with a famous guy one time... Mick Jagger. She said that he came on to her at an event and was very proud after she made out with him. She thought that he would be amazing but he gave her too much tongue and too much slop.
Howard asked her if Mick touched her boobs and stuff. She said he didn't do that and she figures he just got the photo op that he wanted and moved on to the next girl. She told Howard that she has had sex with a woman in her movie and it was with Justine Joli who was on the show yesterday. She said she enjoys anal sex but it's not her favorite.
Heather was willing to strip down for the guys so Howard had her go right ahead and do it. She took her top off and Artie sounded like he was going to die when he saw how nice they were. He said they have to be the nicest he's ever seen in there. Gary agreed and said that they were perfect on her body. Howard had her spin around so they could check out her ass. Artie was ready to end the contest at that point because she was the only 10 that had ever come into the studio.
Howard asked Heather what the most important invention in history was. Artie answered for her and said ''Her tits.'' She told the guys that her breasts aren't real. She also claimed that she wasn't hot in high school. She told Howard that the most important invention is the vibrator. She loves to orgasm and they give her strong ones when she uses one.
For her talent portion Heather sang a song called ''Sexy Pony'' for the guys. She sang along to a music track that she brought in. Gary said she reminds him of a young Stacy Rucker. Howard had Heather move on to her hot dog stunt. She sang ''Row, Row, Row Your Boat'' as she shoved the hot dog down her throat. She was gagging on it from the start. Mike Gange measured the hot dog and found that she shoved it 3 3/4 inches in there. She took off her pants before the judging.
Howard said he knew who he was going with but he was going to wait to give his final answer. Gary went first and said he liked the girls but he had to go with Heather because she had the whole package. Howard also went with Heather even though the rest of the girls were great as well. Howard liked that Heather was totally shaved and the dance she did during her song. Artie went next and said he was going with Heather as well. Richard Christy said he was going with the one who he has whacked off to hundreds of times, Shay. Robin said that mostly her vote would be based on the face and looks of the girls. She said she had to go with Heather because she was the most beautiful to her. Fred went next and said that he liked Melissa's personality the best. He liked Shay and Jennifer but he had to go with Heather.
Howard said that Heather had won with a 5-1 vote. He said that the fans should vote for her and asked her if she thinks she will win because of this. She wasn't sure because the people at Penthouse are the ones who make the final decision. Howard wrapped up with them and gave them some plugs before Doug Goodstein came in and asked the girls if they wanted to make out with each other. Heather and Shay were willing to kiss so Howard let them go ahead and do that. Doug wanted to spray some cooking oil on their breasts but Howard didn't think they needed that.
Doug asked if anyone wanted to ride the Sybian. Howard asked them if they wanted to do it. Heather was willing to give it a try. She wanted to put her panties on because she doesn't know where that thing has been. They tried to convince her that they put a clean attachment on each time but she still wanted her panties on. Richard asked why Gary wasn't wearing his mask anymore. Gary asked him why he doesn't shut the fuck up. Howard wanted him to put the mask on even though he wasn't going to be on camera. Gary told Richard he'll never get into the studio again thanks to that comment.
Howard had Gary start off the Sybian slowly. She told him she likes to start off slow but then had him cranking it up within a few seconds. She started moaning and told him to crank it up even more. She laughed and moaned a little more then asked Gary to turn it down even though she hadn't cum yet. Within a short time she was done and told the guys that it was pretty intense. She said she came really close to orgasming but she got numb from the vibration.
Howard asked when they're going to get this up on Howard TV. Mike Gange said it should be instantly. Howard asked the rest of the girls if they wanted to take a ride on it. They were scared after seeing Heather riding it.
Richard said that Heather was squeezing her breasts together with her arms while she was on the Sybian and it was really hot. She said she was just trying to get her clit on the machine better. John Boy called in and whacked his dick against the phone to let the girls know what he was up to. Richard asked the girls if they get upset knowing that guys are whacking off to their images. They were saying that they find it to be flattering that guys do that.
A guy called in and told Howard he had to pull over and jerk off. He said he couldn't help it and he's never done anything like that before. He said he had some napkins in his glove box to catch his mess. Howard thanked the girls for coming in and wrapped up with them a short time later.
Artie talked about the way he eats all day long because he looks forward to his meals so much. Howard said he has to take a nap after eating like that. Howard was talking about how Artie has been kind of napping during the show after about 9:30 in the morning. That led to Fred playing a song parody about Artie sleeping in the studio.
Howard mentioned that Borat will be coming in tomorrow for an interview. He said that they can't talk to him as Sacha Baron Cohen tomorrow, they have to talk to him as Borat. Artie said he knows Howard hates that kind of thing so he was kind of surprised they were going to do that. Artie missed the time Sacha came in as himself. Howard said he was in there and he's not sure how he could have missed that.
Howard played Velvet Underground's ''Heroin'' song for Artie. He then told Artie that he was in the day that Sacha Baron Cohen was in back in 2004. Artie didn't remember that interview at all. He figured he might have come in after getting off a red-eye flight from L.A. or something.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked a question about Howard TV. Howard let Gary come in while they were waiting for an answer on that. Gary said that Artie was eating during the Penthouse pageant so Howard told him he might be gay. He said Artie unwraps the food and then makes love to it as he's eating it. He told the guys to put those pictures up on the web site.
Doug Goodstein came in and gave the guy the answer to his question about a show that had aired. He said the show aired but he wasn't sure when it was or what part of which show it was in.
Howard read some mail about Artie's comedy appearance from this past weekend. The guy who wrote in was happy that Artie treated everyone so nice.
Howard got some feedback about Beth being on the show yesterday talking about Sal's comments about her horse face. Howard said that Beth told him she could take it after he spoke to her off the air. Howard claimed that he never said that she could take it before the roast. Gary came in and corrected him and said that he did say that she could take it if they goofed on her. Howard said Sal was just dumb yesterday when he continued to do the jokes about her while she was on the phone.
Sal came in and said that he never said that he was upset with what Artie did goofing on his kids. He said he feels bad that those jokes didn't air on Howard TV.
Howard read some mail about the Paul Mooney interview they did yesterday. The fans seemed to like his appearance yesterday. Howard had some feedback about Steve the Intern taking the dick in the face yesterday. They also talked about Justine Joli's appearance on the show yesterday. Howard said he really liked that chick on the show. He said he had a conversation with her after the interview and she was still standing there topless.
Howard read some mail about Artie and Crazy Alice. One guy said he changes the channel whenever they start fighting. Howard said he has to be kidding about that. He loves that stuff.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon talked about the stuff they'll be talking about during today's Wrap Up Show. He mentioned that they'd be talking about the Rolling Stones and talk about what they think is their best song. Howard and the guys argued about what they thought was the best one. Howard had Fred playing a bunch of songs and had everyone arguing about which song was their best. That led to Howard playing a bunch of Baba Booey song parodies that were done to the tune of some Rolling Stones songs.
Howard noticed that Gary was freaking out in his office so he asked him what was going on. Gary said he was upset that Howard was freaking out on him when they're trying to do their best to find what he wants during this live show they do. Sal was also giving him a hard time in his office. Howard laughed and Gary told him it would be a totally different story if Sal was bothering Howard. Howard told him he wasn't bothering him while he was looking for that song, it was after so it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
Artie found it funny that Sal worked goofing on Gary into a job on the show. Gary said that Sal gets his ass kicked at home and it somehow leads to him goofing on him in his office. Gary said Sal was running around in a monkey mask in his office. Artie said that Gary is going to end up killing Sal if that stuff keeps up. Howard told the guys to turn the camera off and then had Robin start her news.
Sal was still giving Gary a hard time so Gary hit him with his trumpet case. Sal was limping around after that like he was really hurt. Howard put up the audio of Sal doing his monkey impression and goofing on Gary. Mike Gange came in and told Howard how Gary had thrown a chair at Sal a few minutes before.
Ralph asked Howard if he thinks Gary will snap one day. Howard checked out some tape of Gary throwing the chair at Sal and there was a lot of chaos happening out in the hall.
Howard got back to Gary's weight and talked about how he eats constantly like he thinks he's hungry at all times. Gary ended up goofing on Ralph's berry face and stuff like that. Artie said that Gary thinks that Ralph has some agenda with him. Gary said that's absolutely what he thinks. Ralph was asking Gary some questions about his diet and found out that Gary is on the Zone Diet. One day some raccoons got into his food delivery and ate some of the food. Gary said the worst thing is that he has to clean up that mess from his driveway when the animals get into it.
Howard said he can picture Gary fighting with the raccoons out in his driveway trying to get it back from them. Artie offered to stand next to Gary for a few weeks so he'll look thinner than he is. Richard came in and asked Howard if they could make a big box of chocolate and have Gary try to gnaw his way out of it. Howard said that would be funny. He was watching Gary typing with one finger on his computer so he told him to go take a typing lesson. Gary said that's the way he types and told Howard to leave him alone. He said he took a typing class but he does better with the two finger method.
Howard said he took a typing class and actually learned to type while Gary didn't bother. Gary said that he learned not to suck at every sport when he was in school. Howard said that he doesn't see Gary doing any sports. Howard said he runs and stays thinner than Gary does. Howard told Gary that he's MVP of nothing. Gary was trying to goof on Howard but it wasn't working very well. Howard had a better response for every comment Gary made about him. The two of them went back and forth with their jabs for a few minutes. Howard challenged Gary to a game of chess but Gary said he's not gay, that's why he doesn't learn chess.
The guys noticed that Sal was showing his ass in Gary's office. Howard told him to stop pulling down his pants because there were female interns in the office. Howard told him he doesn't want ass all over his office doors. Gary was yelling at Sal to stop with the silly string spraying in his office. He told him to stop but Sal just kept going. Howard asked Gary if he wanted him to fire Sal. He asked him to do that so Gary told him to go home. Howard told Gary to call Sal's wife and she'll get him in line.
Howard asked Gary what he really wants him to do. He said Gary could fire Sal if he really wanted him out of there. Howard told the guys to stop Sal because he was getting carried away. Howard had to have the guys turn the camera off so Sal would stop.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard when this second half of the Gary Roast was going to air on Howard TV. He said he loves this stuff.
After taking a break during the news Howard played a new Jack and Rod (Sal and Richard) bit where they interviewed an author about his book about witches. They had Blue Iris playing a witch and making rude comments to the guy until he hung up refusing to do the interview.
Robin got back to her news and whipped through a bunch of stories. Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show saying that they had both Borat and Tracy Morgan coming in this morning. He said he's been a fan of Borat's for a long time and he's got a whole agenda with him. He played a couple of audio clips from ''Da Ali G'' show where Borat was trying to buy a house in a gated community. Borat explained how he had a bad Gypsy attack and how they touched his horse in a very bad way making him depressed. He also said that they stole his wife and she is afraid of men with a ''chocolate face.'' The real estate salesman said there probably wouldn't be too many of them in the neighborhood.
Howard was laughing as he talked about that clip. He had another clip where Borat went to a place where they reenact a 1700s battle. He was acting as if they were really back in the 1700s and said that he was surprised that they live so primitive in the United States. Borat pretended he had no idea what was going on and even asked the guy if he had invented a time machine to go back to the 1750s.
Bob said he would rather leave work a year too early than a year too late. Howard said he's going to use that quote when he leaves radio. He said he thinks he's at that point right now though. Robin thought he was kidding but Howard said he's serious.
Robin said she was trying to watch her recorded episode of Heroes last night but she couldn't stay awake. Howard said he was the same with Dancing with the Stars. Robin told him that's what Dancing with the Stars should do to him. Howard talked about how Howie Mandel has a much easier job that Bob Barker does and he could do that show until the day he dies.
Howard said he would love to host the Price is Right. That's the kind of game show he'd like to be offered. He wants something easy. Howard talked about how his father loves that show and he actually got a call from him one day where he talked about Bob asking women to reach into his pocket to get some money. He only did it with women, not with the men.
Howard said his father would call CBS and complain about the audio on the show when it was a little off. His father doesn't get involved in anything but he would get involved with that one thing. He said he must have called to complain and they hooked him up with the right person so they stayed in touch. They apparently fixed the audio for him though.
Howard said his father would call him and complain about how stupid people are on shows like Jeopardy. He will complain about them betting the wrong amount of money. Howard said it amazes him that his father pays that much attention to that kind of stuff.
Artie said that The Price is Right reminds him of days when he'd be stuck in the house sick or on a snow day. He would love days like that and he'd watch the game show. Artie was out on the set of that show one time when he was shooting some TV show and they had all of the games and stuff crammed into a corner. It was weird to see how small the stuff was and how it was shoved in a corner like no one cared.
Robin said that she's heard that the contestants on The Price is Right have to go through an endurance test because the producers apparently want the people to be worn out and loopy by the time they get on stage. That way they'll be out of their minds and not know what to bid. Howard thought that sounded a little odd.
Hook Nose Mike called in and told Fred that Halloween was over and he could take his mask off. Fred goofed on him for not sounding very awake this morning with that joke. Mike said he just got done driving after a 24 hour shift. Howard asked Mike when he came up with that joke. Mike said he heard Jackie make a reference to that on his show last night so that's when he came up with it. Mike said Jackie was talking about goofing on Fred about that mask thing years ago and would make reference to it every couple of days.
Mike asked Howard about going out to Las Vegas. Howard said he has no plans to go to Vegas at this point. Mike said he heard Bob Levy make a reference to it the other day. That led to Howard talking about what a baby Bob Levy is. He said that Sal printed out an IM conversation that he had with Sal the Stockbroker. Howard read the conversation where Bob complained about not getting one of his songs played on the air. He said he had to beg like a ''Niigger'' to get it played on the air.
Howard said Bob's song parody was horrible and he didn't want to play it but he did play it to show how bad it was. Bob did the song parody to the tune of the Sponge Bob Square Pants theme song. Howard played a few seconds of it and Bob was singing about Robin's pussy stinking and stuff like that. Howard said it wasn't funny and it wasn't witty. Robin agreed and said it wasn't funny.
Howard asked Tyrone how old he is. He said he's 18 and still lives at home. His parents now know that he owns the web site. He just told them on Saturday. Howard said his parents would tell him he was nuts if he was doing something like this. Robin said he's obviously doing it to get publicity and it's working.
Howard asked Tyrone how he told his parents about the site. He said he didn't go in and tell them that he was Tyrone from Niggaspace.com. Tyrone said that there is some controversy surrounding the site right now and he has to be careful about the way he handles this. So far it's only cost him $700 to put it up. He's hoping to grow it from here on out.
Tyrone said that he wants to put some bands up on the site. He said he's got 4000 subscribers so far. Artie said it sounds like it should be called WiggaSpace.com instead. Tyrone said that some other sites have been registered because of this name. He said that SistaSpace.com was recently registered.
Howard thinks that someone is going to find out who this guy is and print his picture out there exposing him. He said he hopes to change the meaning of the word. Howard basically told him he's nuts and he can't change the meaning of the N-word. Howard said this is an 18 year old white kid and he's going to be in for a heap of shit when he's exposed.
Artie joked that he started JungleBunnySpace.com and caught some shit over that. Howard took a couple of calls from guys who told him that he's just a piece of shit for pretending to be black and things like that. A black guy called in and told Howard he doesn't care about the N-word in general but this guy is full of shit claiming that he's trying to change the meaning of the word.
Howard told Tyrone that he has to get a black guy to front this thing for him. He took another call from a guy who said that Tyrone has to be careful with this kind of thing because some people are not going to appreciate the use of that word. He said that he's going to get his ass kicked and he needs to watch that shit. Tyrone claims that he is not white but wouldn't say what he is. He thinks it's irrelevant if he's white or not but Artie pointed out that he's making it relevant by not saying what he is. Artie asked him if he's also Saul from Hebe.com.
Howard took a call from another black man who said that he agrees with Tyrone trying to change the meaning of the N-word. Howard thanked Tyrone for calling in and asked him to give them an update sometime in the future.
Howard said he thinks that Tyrone is white or slightly off white. He said that some people just don't realize how racist they're being... like Sal and Richard. They created a Halloween bit that was way too over the top. He played it to show how bad it was. It was ''The Black People House of Horrors.'' They were throwing in the most racist jokes they could come up with. Robin recognized the bit from last year and said that Howard was using this as an excuse to play it. Howard said Sal and Richard were asking him to play it yesterday but he refused.
Gary told Howard that Sal asked that he finish playing the Halloween bit. Howard said he deleted it and said he was getting bored with it.
Howard had some audio from Riley Martin's show from last night. He had one clip of Riley talking about seeing the alien space ships for the first time... and then coughing in the middle of the story. Riley was also burping during the show so Howard played some audio of those burps. Howard said he heard that Riley had a few beers during the show so that's why he was burping. The guys got a few laughs out of Riley's burp because it was right in the middle of a sentence.
Howard played a clip where Riley was asked if the Aliens have the ability to stop asteroids from hitting Earth. Riley didn't skip a beat and told the guy that they did that one time back in 1907 but a little piece of it managed to hit the Earth in Siberia. Riley had a whole explanation for how they blew the thing out of the sky with an anti-matter ray or something like that.
Artie said that they should have someone ask that exact same question in a month or so and see if Riley gives the same answer. Howard seems to think Riley has all of that stuff in his head already so he might just answer the same way.
Howard played another clip where a caller asked about the propulsion devices that the aliens use. Riley went right into an explanation for the devices that the Biahvians use for their whisper craft. He claimed that they burn at over a million degrees Fahrenheit and it allows the craft to go up and down and back and forth. Howard said his explanation was pretty impressive even if it was bullshit.
Howard had another clip where Riley explains why he raised the price of his Symbols. The woman who asked about them said that they used to be $25 but now they're more. Riley claimed that they were that much 10 years ago and said that they have gotten more detailed over the years so he has to put more hours into them. He said that they are collectors items and once he is done with all of them, (144,000) that's it. Artie wondered it the more intricate ones get you a better seat on the mother ship.
Howard played a clip where a caller asked Riley if Jesus could have been an alien. Riley said that it is possible that he was. He had a whole explanation for that. He also told a caller to go buy his audio book which is about twice the cost of his symbols which go for $38.50 each.
Howard played some Riley Martin bits that the guys have put together. He played one song parody, then a prank call that Sal and Richard made using audio clips of Riley's voice. He had Robin laughing pretty hard with that prank call.
Howard played a clip of a caller asking Riley if there are any holidays that the aliens celebrate. Riley went right into a discussion about that and said that they do celebrate certain days on Biahve or whatever the planet is called. Robin said that his stuff is really good. Howard said they have to keep Riley's show on the air just so they can play clips.
Robin said she listened to a marathon of Riley's show one time and it was great and very entertaining from beginning to end. Howard started to replay the prank call he had just played and said he loves that call. He had another prank call they made using his audio clips. He also played another song parody to the tune of the Looney Tunes theme song.
Howard played another prank call where Sal called a Chinese restaurant and had Riley saying his alien quote ''O Qua Tan Zin Wan, Quai unza la ji wan'' as if it were a Chinese saying. The woman on the phone didn't understand what he was saying of course. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Ronnie said he made up this whole thing about being pissed off at Ferrall and they pulled Penny into the prank. Howard told Ronnie he should just blend in with the wall out there and stop doing comedy bits. Ronnie didn't want Shuli to get blamed for it even though he was involved in the planning. Gary said it wasn't about him coming up with the idea, it was that he was involved at all.
Howard played the audio clip of Penny calling to get Scott Ferrall on the phone and Sour Shoes' mother answers the phone and yells out for ''Frank.'' Penny was clueless. Sour Shoes gets on the phone as Scott Ferrall and he really does sound like him when he does his impression. Shuli was on the line with Penny so he was playing along with the whole thing.
Penny asked ''Scott'' why he's not using Ronnie for his NASCAR picks. ''Scott'' gave her an explanation and the impression was so perfect that Howard suggested that they have him fill in for Scott if he's ever out sick or on vacation. Howard said he barely understands what Scott is talking about and Sour Shoes' impression is so good that he doesn't understand him either.
Sour Shoes knew a lot about this NASCAR stuff and threw out all kinds of information while he was talking to Penny. Penny's report got played on Howard 100 News so it ruined their credibility just a little more. Howard said that Bubba really seems to dislike the Howard 100 News team.
Howard said he saw a picture of Janice Dickinson in a newspaper and she has a tampon string hanging out from her short shorts. In another picture they have a picture of Pink pissing in a parking lot between two cars. There was a picture of Jack Nicholson with his shirt off and he's got some big man tits.
Howard heard that Bubba was talking about his own man tits and how he was called for a meeting on the phone about the big race that they're supposed to have. Howard is thinking of moving the show down to Florida to do the show when they do the big race. Robin said that would be great because she needs her boys down there with her. Howard said he has to have a meeting to go over all of that stuff.
Steve the Intern came in and said that he doesn't want to go to the Stones concert with his girlfriend because she's not into it. Gary heard that Steve was really excited about going with Artie and he was almost as excited to be going with Artie as he was to see the Stones. Artie said he'd let him know by the end of the day. Steve had to take Richard's cock in his face earlier in the week to win those tickets.
Lisa got back to her news preview. She said she spoke to Jay-Z yesterday and she'll have an interview with him. She also said that Richard Christy went to the gay Halloween parade in the city last night and they'll have a story about that. She wrapped up her story a short time later.
Gary came in and handed Howard the article that the guy was just talking about. Howard didn't know what it was so he went off on Gary for not filling him in. Gary thought he was doing good but it just got him into some trouble instead. Howard went to break a short time later.
Gary told Howard that Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen) needed about 5 minutes before he came in. Howard said that Borat is one of his favorites and he wanted to do a retrospective of his documentaries from TV. He played some more clips from Da Ali G show. In one clip he talks to a real estate agent about locking up his retarded brother in the house. In another clip Borat laughs when he's told that women have the right to vote in this country. Howard played another clip where Borat went in for an interview for an online dating service. He asks the interviewer if he should say that he's good at sex. The woman tells him that's wrong but he continues to talk about what he likes and what he does during sex.
Howard said that Richard pulled one clip of Borat talking about what he does for a living and how he ''makes animals have explosion for make more animals'' for a living. He explained how he can jerk off a camel in less than 20 minutes.
Howard had Borat (Borat.tv) come in a short time later and gave him a plug for his movie ''Borat'' which is coming out this week. Borat went around to each guy and gave them kisses on the cheek. Howard said that Borat was much more handsome in person. Howard gave him a kiss and then Borat leaned down to give him a kiss on his penis. Borat asked Robin about being in her cage. He also asked about getting something to drink. He very much likes Coca Cola and would like it at no charge.
Howard asked Borat about Robin since he doesn't seem to like ''chocolate faced'' people. Borat said that the people in Kazakhstan likes popular dancing negro Michael Jackson and his ''new song'' Beat It. Howard said it must take some time for stuff to come out over there. Howard asked him what he thinks about Michael possibly being into young boys. Borat didn't know about that and said that he is very much a ladies man.
Howard told Borat that Michael Jackson married Elvis' daughter and Borat was surprised when he heard that Elvis was dead, he had no idea. He gave his condolences about the death of Elvis when he heard that. Howard asked Borat what they would do to a man if they found he touched young boys. He said it's not legal unless it's on a specific day over there.
Howard talked to Borat about his movie and asked him if he can pick out a Jew. Borat said that they tend to wear gloves to cover up their claws. He told them about how they can jump onto people and latch onto them with their claws. He told the story of the Jews as he knew it and it was a crazy story about them being hatched from eggs.
Howard asked Borat about his country going around to help kill off the Jews. Borat said that his country was created after fall of communism in 1991... He burped and stopped talking and kind of lost his place.
Howard had some pictures of some celebrities that he wanted Borat to identify as Jews. He showed Reese Witherspoon and asked him about her. He said that she is not a Jew and he was right. Howard had the guys put the next picture which was Pink the singer. Borat said that she look like a monster and said ''she look like a Jew.'' She has much hair to hide her horns according to Borat.
Howard had a picture of Owen Wilson come up. Borat said that ''she'' is very nice and not a Jew. Howard had a couple more to show. Borat said that they are taught this in school in Kazakhstan. Next up was Will Ferral. Borat said he does not look like a Jew but he does look like he may like to ''bang, bang, bang in anals.''
Artie asked Borat if he could identify any Jews in the room. Borat said they would not insult him by putting a Jew in the same room as him. Howard told him that was right, they wouldn't do that to him. Howard put a picture of Kate Hudson on the screen and Borat couldn't identify her as a Jew. Howard said she is Jewish though. Borat said that the Jews are very crafty and can fool people like that. He told people that they can look for the claws and check the heads of people for horns under their yarmulkes. He said that they can grind down their horns though and you may be able to identify them when they are counting money.
Borat said that his people back up ''Mel Gibsons'' and his anti-Jew comments. Howard told Borat that he is very good at all of this stuff.
Howard said that in his movie Borat is nude in a bed with a man. Borat said he ''does not make a sexy time'' with the man but he is naked with him. Borat told Howard he has that man with him today and said that they could bring him in if they wanted. Borat spoke to the guy in his native language (or jibberish) but no one was sure what he said to him.
Howard asked Borat how he likes to take a woman. Borat said he likes sex position where man stands upright and dog is in position... Robin interrupted and said that he shouldn't be banging dogs. Howard asked Borat if he does doggy position with a woman. He said they do not do that in his country, they prefer American position 69 with blow job. Borat told that joke to his friend in his language and got a laugh out of him.
Borat told Howard that AIDS was spread by the Jews. Howard also asked him what he thinks of Hitler. Borat said he does not want to comment on ''kindly general Hitler.'' Borat told the guys that he is fourth most popular performer in Kazakhstan. Howard asked him if he likes his woman shaved down. Borat said he likes women shaved down all the way.
Howard asked Borat if he has ever had sex with a black woman. He said he hasn't and he wouldn't want to have it with Robin. He said that she has a nice face and laughs all the time. He said that she wouldn't make very good ''sexy time'' but would make a good wife. He asked he if she has any history of retardation in her family. He said ''Very nice'' when she said she doesn't have any history of that.
Howard asked Borat about using a condom and Borat wanted a high five from him because he likes talking about ''sexy time.'' Howard said his family must be proud of him for this whole movie thing. He gave a quick history of his family and talked a little bit about the movie. He said his movie knocked the movie ''King Kong'' from the top spot where it's been since 1932.
Howard wished Borat luck with his movie and said he hopes that it works out for him. Borat said his friend there was the producer and director of his movie. He said that he had watched over 12 movies in Kazakhstan so he was most suitable for the director position.
Howard gave Borat a plug for his movie and said it comes out this Friday. He said that he predicts that it will be huge. Borat said if it's not, he ''will be execute.'' Borat said that if he does make it, he would like to sleep with very beautiful starlet Elizabeth Taylor. Howard told him that she's a Jew but Robin said that she converted so it's not the same thing.
Howard told Borat that he saw his movie and thought it was very funny. They have a tradition in Kazakhstan where they chase the Jew down the street. Borat said that's called ''the running of the Jews.'' Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy asked him if he would like to have sex with Robin. Borat didn't understand so Howard explained to him. He wasn't interested in her though. He said he doesn't have sex with wives either. He has prostitutes instead.
Borat bragged that the ladies really like him and he's had syphilis over 15 times. He talked about going to his hotel with the woman and having a drink but forgetting everything after that. He said he woke up in the morning and the woman was gone and his ''anals were hanging out like dog with tired mouth.'' Borat told Howard that he is not going to work with this man Ali G anymore because he thinks ''he's retard.'' Howard wrapped up with him and went to break a short time later.
After the break Howard asked Artie if he was still eating. Artie was done but Robin said that he just finished. Howard was listening to some David Bowie as they came out of the break so he was singing along to that. He had a phone caller on the line who claims that he saw that the song ''Heroin'' was on the top most downloaded songs on iTunes the other day after Howard played it on the show. Howard said Ratso's book about Houdini shot up to number 15 on the sales charts after he plugged it on the show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he just watched the Howard TV interview with Jim Carrey and it had to have been one of the best of all time. He said Howard ripped Jim a new asshole and he took it pretty well. The caller was also complaining about the Borat interview because it seemed to be kind of contrived. Howard explained to him that of course it was contrived, the guy is doing a make believe character.
Howard had to hang up on that guy because he wasn't making much sense. He took another call from a guy who asked about Cindy Margolis who is finally appearing in Playboy after all these years. Howard said he didn't believe that her claims of being the most downloaded woman on the internet years ago didn't make any sense because she wasn't even nude. Now that she's 40 she wants to get naked because no one is paying any attention to her.
Howard said he read about Vanna White who complained about HD TV because it shows all of her flaws. He wants Cindy Margolis to come in and get naked in the studio so they can look at all of her flaws.
Scott DePace came in and said that they've been trying to work on the lighting and spent 2 hours on that yesterday. He and Howard went back and forth about that stuff and Howard told Scott to stop inventing stuff for golf and concentrate on this problem. Scott said that he is trying to help him out but he doesn't seem to believe that.
Scott claims that he's lost his life over this show... Robin called him out on that so Scott corrected it and said that he has spent a lot of time on the show. Howard said that Robin Radzinski knew how he wanted to be shot. Scott told Howard that she didn't do anything about it, he's the one who was doing the work to make him look good.
Howard said if he was George W. Bush, Scott would make him look good. That led to them arguing about politics a little bit. Howard told Scott that if he doesn't look good by next week, he's going to get a Richard Christy mushroom stamp on his face.
Howard brought up the hot Penthouse chicks that were on the show yesterday. Howard said they have some pictures up on his web site. Artie said that when Heather dropped her top something happened to him and he was blown away by her looks.
Bobo called in and said that he thinks that Howard is getting under Artie's skin when he does the impression of him and Dana on the phone. Artie said that Bobo is very perceptive. He hates talking about relationships on the air. Howard went into his impression and goofed on Artie and Dana a little bit. He did that and the impression of Artie's grandmother that he's been doing lately. That impression became almost a Borat impression at one point.
Bobo talked about how great it was when Artie fooled Alice on the Wrap Up Show the other day and had her thinking that he was apologizing to her and then turned it around and said he was kidding. They spent a minute on that before moving on.
Artie also said that he's been to some of Jackie's shows and he was always good. Some of Jackie's jokes were a little racist. Howard played a clip where Jackie talked about something that happened with Fred years ago. He told the story about handing Fred a note about wearing a mask and how he kept bringing that up day after day on the show. Jackie said that he used to give notes to Howard and Fred would look in the bin where he put his jokes to see if it was something that Jackie had written. Jackie said Howard used the joke about him taking his mask off. He would throw that joke in every few days and Howard would tell Fred to take that mask off. Jackie said he did that for about two weeks and it cracked him up every time.
Howard asked Fred if that drives him nuts. Fred said that it's the 5 minutes of Jackie being self congratulatory about that goof. He said that it's like Jackie going back to high school and remembering how great he was. Artie asked if it was true that Jackie was the one picking what jokes went to Howard. Howard said he was the head writer and he did edit the guys a little bit. Howard said he needed someone to be in charge of that stuff so Jackie was the one doing it.
Artie thought that was nuts to have someone editing the jokes like that. Gary said the funny thing was when Jackie would pretend not to see that someone like Fred had a joke to pass along. He said it was really uncomfortable thing to see. He said that Jackie would look at the joke after Fred would flap it around and put it to the side like he might not give it to Howard.
Howard said that the show moves along much smoother now because he doesn't have all of that stuff going on in the back of the studio anymore.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Scott DePace is blind. She said that Howard looks nothing like he did on E! when they were on there. Howard said Scott wants to believe that he's an expert but he's not. Howard said he worked many years getting the lighting right on E! and he assumed they'd do it the same way there.
Scott DePace came in and said that the lighting on Howard is the same, it's the lighting in the background that's different. He said that the shot they have on Howard is the same shot they had on E!. Howard wants him to get the light down on his neck. He told Scott to get out of there and get Doug Goodstein in. Doug showed up a short time later and said that Scott is the best man for that job.
Howard told Scott to go watch the old E! shows to figure out what to do. He was goofing on Scott and they somehow got into a discussion about who has fucked more women. Jason came in at one point and said that Scott has no clue about directing a show and he doesn't know how to recreate the E! show shot that he had. Scott told Jason to get out of there and couldn't believe that Howard was going to let him go off on him like that. Scott told him that he's just a typer so he has no business talking to him like that.
Jason claims that he's a better typer than Scott is a director. Scott said that he could go take a class and learn to type just like he does. They goofed on each other for a few seconds and Jason said it's really easy for him to get under Scott's skin.
Ralph called in and said that he helped out with the shot on E! but Scott refused to accept his help there. Howard told him he wants him to have a meeting with the Howard TV guys. Scott came in and told Howard that Ralph doesn't understand and he doesn't know what he's doing. He said he gave him some suggestions and they won't work because he doesn't understand the lighting.
Scott was yelling at Ralph and saying that it's not his job to help with the lighting. Scott said that Ralph doesn't always pick out the right clothes for Howard either. Scott said that he doesn't have to do everything for Ralph and he should make it happen for himself. Ralph said that if Jason has a suggestion for him, maybe he should take that. Scott said he doesn't have to take suggestions from him because he doesn't know what he's talking about. Howard had to take a break so he could get Tracy Morgan in there.
Howard asked Tracy about working on Saturday Night Live. Tracy told Howard about growing up in Brooklyn and how it wasn't all that horrible. They had enough money back then. He said his father went to Vietnam when he was like 17 so he was kind of screwed up from that. He said his father picked up some bad habits over there so his mom had to kick him out. He died at the age of 36 from AIDS. He got that from shooting up Heroin according to Tracy.
Howard asked Tracy if it was true that he once vomited on someone at a comedy show. Tracy said he went to a show one time for a bachelor party and drank without having anything to eat first. He threw up in the club and it ended up in the papers after that.
Howard asked Tracy who he hangs out with and if he's got any celebrity friends. He said his real friends are working 9-5 jobs, they're not celebrities. He talked a little bit about his family and how he got married at the age of 25. He said he was fuckin' by the time he was 12 years old and met his wife at the age of 17. He said he sewed his wild oats and got that out of the way before he got married.
Tracy was telling Howard that he likes to stick his tongue up a woman's ass once in a while. He said he doesn't like to piss on chicks or anything like that though. He told Robin that he likes the way women smell down there too. He said that he likes to bang a chick after she's gotten her hair braided and cum in her hair. He said he's into butthole's and toes. Howard told him about King of All Blacks who is into feet just like he is.
Howard wondered where the foot fetish comes from. Tracy said that it's from watching porn and seeing the chick's feet dangling while they're over some dude's shoulder.
Robin asked Tracy how he defines cheating. Tracy thought about that for a few seconds and then said that it's when your heart goes to another person. He said his heart has always been at home though.
Tracy said that he's going to be 38 soon and he's gotten all of the temptations of women out of his system so he doesn't think about cheating on her. He said her pussy is still good and he doesn't have to get other chicks.
Howard asked Tracy how he got on Saturday Night Live. Tracy said it's his balls, he's been funny all his life and people told him that he should be doing comedy. He said he started doing comedy on stage and had 7 minutes of material his first time up on stage. He told Howard that the Brown Brothers discovered him. They put him on TV with his 7 minutes of material on Uptown Comedy Club on FOX. He also did Def Jam with Martin Lawrence.
Howard gave Tracy a plug for the VH-1 film called ''Totally Awesome'' that's airing this weekend. Tracy told Howard he's been listening to his show for about 10 years now. Robin told Tracy about Craig Gass doing the impression of him. Tracy said that he heard about that and he thought that Craig was out making a living doing his impression of him. He wondered if the impression was good or not because he has a New York accent.
Howard asked Tracy about his kids and found out that one of them is 21 years old. Tracy said that they're all old enough to make babies of their own. He also told Howard that he's not with any other woman, his dick is only for his wife Sabina. He told Howard about how they play rape sometimes. He puts on a ski mask and pretends to be doing a home invasion and then he pretends to rape her while she's in the bathroom.
Howard told Tracy to go play rape with Robin over there. Tracy told her that she's looking good. Howard told her to show him her feet since he's so into the foot thing. Robin just laughed. Tracy said he likes mature women and his wife is one of them. He said he likes the women even if they have cellulite and c-section scars and stuff like that. He's from the ghetto and that's what he likes.
Howard thought that Tracy had been shot living in the ghetto but Tracy said he was into sports so he stayed away from all of that shit. He has been locked up a few times though. He said he got locked up for dealing crack when ye was young. He said he only sold like 2 cracks in his life and his uncle slapped the crap out of him for that. He said he didn't want to be left out of everything his friends were doing so he got into it. Luckily he met his wife and she told him to stop with that shit.
Howard asked Tracy about doing Saturday Night Live and if he gets nervous before doing it. He said it was more excitement than being nervous. He also said that he was cool with everyone there and he got along with them all. Howard wondered why he hasn't showed up for 3 appearances on Jim Breuer's show. He said that was all scheduling problems.
Tracy told Howard about the first time he banged a white chick. He said it was before he met his wife and it was the first time he had ever seen pink vagina. He said she made noise while having sex and he had never heard that before.
Tracy told Howard that he just pitched an episode of ''30 Rock'' where they find out that Beetlejuice is his father. He said they're going to write that episode for him. He also said that they were going to write another one where Robin is 6 months pregnant by him.
Howard asked Tracy who the toughest guest was on Saturday Night Live. He said it was Tom Green and he was fucking with him during the sketch on live TV. He said he got pissed off at him and brought the cue card to him off the air and showed him where his lines were.
Tracy talked about working with Norm Macdonald and how great he was to work with. Artie said that Norm was impressed with him when he was working with him. Howard and Tracy talked more about SNL and how tough that job was. Tracy said it was really tough when he started out over there. He hasn't worked there since The Tracy Morgan Show was on. He said the show got canceled and they really fucked him on that whole thing. He said that it's like he got fucked up the ass and his asshole is hanging out and gaping.
Tracy got in a plug for his show ''30 Rock'' which is on tonight but moving to Thursday nights soon. They spent a minute on that and then Howard asked Tracy if he banged any celebrities while he was doing that show. He said he didn't get any chicks while he was there.
Tracy was telling Artie that he had something for him to smell and offered up a finger. He said that was some butthole for him. He was also telling the guys he likes when chicks in porn get gagged and stuff like that. He said he likes when a chick gags and throws up on his dick. He said he will force a woman down on him and make her gag until she pukes. He said he's got a big dick with 9 inches. He was also talking to Howard about stinky pussy and how no guy will take it out even if it does stink.
Tracy got into some very detailed discussions about having sex and how you know it's good when you see that creamy discharge and your dick makes that fart sound when you put it in. He had Howard laughing at that stuff.
Howard asked Tracy if he would ever kiss a man on camera for comedy like Will Ferral did. Tracy said that's the difference between him and Will, Will is fearless. Howard told Tracy that he was happy when he saw Tracy almost punch out Ashton Kutcher after he got Punk'd. Tracy said he took it for real when he saw his car being towed. He said his buddy was with him and he pulled out a box cutter out like he was going to kill someone. Tracy said he was glad it was the Punk'd show because only the A-list get on that show.
Howard took some phone calls for Tracy. One guy said that he'd like to hear Tracy on a black man roundtable with someone like Paul Mooney and guys like that. Tracy said he'd love to be a part of something like that. Another caller said that this interview was great and it was making him piss it was so funny.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that Tracy was in the worst remake ever which was ''The Longest Yard.'' He asked him if he took the money and ran. Tracy said he thought the movie was good and he didn't have to take the money and run. The guys said that Tracy was good in the movie. Howard said that no one would turn down a movie to work with Adam Sandler.
Tracy talked about going to go see David Blaine when he was buried in the ground and pissing on the grave. He said that people want to live and that asshole is burying himself in the ground. Howard asked Tracy to some day tell him what celebrity chicks he's slept with. Tracy said he would have to tell him that stuff off the air, it can't come from his mouth. He wants to go to Scores with Howard sometime. Howard said he would do that.
Tracy told Howard that he once banged a celebrity in the bathroom while she was bent over the sink. He said he had a couple of fingers up her ass as he was banging her from behind. He said that she said ''Oh my stomach!'' as he was doing her and that's the biggest compliment she could give him. He said he finished on her ass and her butthole looked like a missing button off a Donny Brasco jacket.
Tracy said he met this chick at the after party for SNL one night and met her in the bathroom. Howard dug for more details and found out that he banged her for like 20-25 minutes. It was a white woman but he wouldn't say who she was. He said it happened just one time but that's the way it was supposed to be. He said it was like two ships passing in the night.
Tracy said that after they banged he had to reinvent himself and pretend that nothing had happened. Howard was trying to guess who it was but Tracy wasn't talking. He said he might tell Howard if he gets drunk enough at Scores.
Tracy also told Howard about banging a chick on a flight one time. He said he got her in the bathroom on an airplane and he didn't use a condom. He said he finished right inside of her and he doesn't care. He said he could die walking across the street so why not just do that shit. He then revealed that he was just making up all of that stuff. He didn't have sex with a woman in the bathroom at SNL or on the airplane. Howard asked him to swear on the life of his kids but when he wouldn't do that, Howard figured he was caught. Tracy said he might get into trouble with his wife now.
King of All Blacks called in and gave Tracy some advice on how to have a baby girl. He told him to jump out of the pussy just as he's about to nut. Howard said that conversation should be for another show. He let King go and wrapped up with Tracy. He gave him some plugs for the VH-1 movie and said it's coming out on DVD as well.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had a whole list of female guests that they had on SNL while Tracy was there. He started to read off the list and Tracy told him that he didn't get any pussy while he was there. He swore on the life of his kids that he never had sex on his wife. He wouldn't say that he never cheated though. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said they are doing a story about the NAB going to the FCC about satellite radio. He said they're trying to get in touch with the head of the NAB but he's not available. Howard said that before he went to satellite radio, the terrestrial radio stations would let their talent appear on satellite but now they're holding them back. He went off on them for a short time before letting Steve finish his preview.
Steve also said that one year ago today was the Craptacular fart event on Howard 100 and 101. That's when High Pitch Eric was on the air trying to shit and weigh his shit. Eric was on the phone so Howard talked to him for a short time. Howard said that he looked up Eric's record on the chess web site and found that he hasn't won one game of standard chess. He's lost every one of the games he's played. Eric claims that he won two games but Howard wasn't sure about that. Eric also said he wanted to do a second Craptacular but Howard said he was sorry he even took that call and hung up on him.
Steve said that JD is ready to step up and host the Intern Show tonight for Steve the Intern who will be going to the Rolling Stones concert. Howard had JD in there to give them a rundown of what they had coming up. JD gave a quick rundown but Robin said she just about fell asleep when she heard him talking about what was going to happen. Steve also mentioned that Artie and Dice are doing their show from up in New Hampshire and that will be airing on Howard 101 on Saturday. Artie said that he may be on that special a little bit as well.
Artie said that he's working on an impression of Jon Hein and the way he does his Wrap Up Show previews. He did that for a few seconds and had his delivery down almost perfect. Jon told him he was close with a couple of the things he said. Jon then went into his preview and read his notes and delivered them the same way Artie had just done the impression.
Artie had gotten all of the stories right that Jon was going to cover on the show today. He went 3 for 3 in his goofing. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard and the guys were also goofing on Kevin Federline's album during the news. Howard seems to think that the guy is just a douche.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who asked when he was coming back down. Artie said that Jeff has been calling him every night. Jeff said it's not every night but Artie corrected him and said that it is every night. He also said that Jeff is willing to tape himself having sex with a woman. Howard wondered where he's going to get a woman to bang him. He talked about the last woman they had try to fuck Jeff and how she broke down and cried after she tried to do him.
Fred tried to find the audio of the woman crying after banging Jeff but Gary beat him to it and put it up on Howard's computer. Howard played the clip where the woman was crying uncontrollably after doing Jeff. She was completely devastated and Isaac from E! was trying to calm her down. You could hear him whispering to her trying to make her feel better. Jeff didn't seem to care about that though.
Artie asked Jeff what he was talking about in his message last night when he mentioned the $800 that he had given him. Jeff said he just wanted Artie to know that he could report that money on his taxes because he reported it for his SSI. Howard hung up on him and had Robin finish up her news.
Howard interrupted again and read through a few e-mails. Some people wrote in about the 2 free days from last week. People were very happy to hear the show. One guy kept his rental car an extra two days just so he'd have SIRIUS for a little longer. Someone wrote in and said that Artie has to be over 283 pounds. Howard wanted him to get on the scale but Artie said he didn't want to do it at the end of the show, he said he'd do it tomorrow.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
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Howard started off the show talking about Scott DePace getting slammed on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He was listening to that going on and said he loves Scott. He heard that Scott was yelling at Ralph over the phone after the Wrap Up Show yesterday too. Robin said that Scott was so upset with Jason and Ralph that he said that he's lost two people from his life and doesn't want anything to do with them anymore.
Howard said he loves when guys fight like that. Artie said he's on Scott's side and thinks that the show looks great these days. Howard asked if anyone wanted to hear some clips from the show. Robin said he should play some so Gary told Howard where they were. Then Fred played a bunch of newer Baba Booey song parodies. He also had a few song parodies about Robin that people have been creating. He had a couple of new ones and said that he can't even keep track of them all because there are so many.
Robin asked Howard where the Bob Levy song goes in rotation. Howard said that Bob claimed he wasn't going to write anymore if they keep treating him the way they did yesterday. That led to Fred goofing on Bob doing an impression of him. Howard explained that Bob had written an IM and used the N-word in it as he was talking to Sal. Howard wanted to find that song so he could let everyone hear the song he was talking about. It was a song about Robin to the tune of the Sponge Bob Square Pants theme song. Howard said he knows Bob put a lot of work into it because his voice is doubled up.
Howard also played the song about Gary that Bob created a couple of months back where he said the line ''Because his teeth are yell' like pee.'' That song was called Baba Booeyland. Howard said it was so bad. Artie laughed when he heard that one.
Howard moved on to the clips from the Wrap Up Show where Jason was goofing on Scott DePace about directing the show. Scott got so upset with him that he threatened to walk off the show. Ralph called into the show and went off on Scott too. He and Jason agreed that Scott was insecure about his job. That's when Scott ran out of the studio but he came running back when he thought he had heard that Jason said that anyone could do his job.
The arguments between Scott and everyone went on for just about the whole Wrap Up Show. They were still arguing as the show was ending. Howard said he loves that fighting, it's like a symphony to him. He said that Ralph continued to fight off the air and he said that should never happen, it should all take place on the air.
Howard said all he was complaining about was his own lighting. He wanted to be lit differently but everyone piled on top of Scott after that. Fred said that it was funny how Jason came out of nowhere with those comments. He said that he's usually a tender guy but he went after Scott like mad.
A caller said that Scott does a great job directing the show and gets just about every shot. Howard agreed with the guy. Artie said that there's sometime all of this hate and tension on the show and Ralph will call in and stir it up even more.
Jason said that Steve told him the dick to the face was worth it after hearing just one song. Steve said they stayed there until the end of the show. Artie said he read an article about the show and the guy was saying that they're getting a little old. Jason said the show started off slow but after a few songs it got going and it was great.
Artie asked if the guys went to the bar near the Beacon Theater before going to the show. Steve said he was at his hotel before that so he didn't go to the bar.
Howard had another clip where a woman said that he was mumbling and they would be making fun of him on the show the next day. There was another clip of one of the interns doing an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger and the impression was horrible. Gary said that guy thinks that all of his impressions are great and doesn't realize that they're goofing on him when they tell him he's great.
Gary was eating when he got on the microphone to tell Howard what he had to tell him. That led to Howard goofing on Gary for eating chocolate so early in the morning.
Artie asked a question about the Howard TV show because he found a short segment of the Gary Roast and didn't see the full show. Doug Goodstein came in and told Artie that it would be listed in the daily shows section of the On Demand menu. Howard asked Doug how Scott is doing after what happened yesterday. Doug said he's upset about what went on but he'll be okay.
Doug also told Howard that he had a run in with Ralph himself. He said that he didn't want to fight off the air so he saved it for today. That led to Howard talking about how Ralph showed up to a meeting yesterday an hour and a half late. Beth is putting together something and Ralph was going to help but he showed up late and ended up walking out of the meeting. Doug said that Ralph ended up walking out again when he tried to give him a suggestion. He doesn't want to take anyone's suggestions on anything.
Howard said that he saw them on the phone but they were very busy yesterday and couldn't get to them. He said he loves when Eric is mad at him though.
Doug came in and said that Beth said the design for this stuff was okayed by Beth and that's where they should have left it. Ralph told Doug he has no eye for this stuff. Doug told him he didn't have an eye for anything he does. Doug told Ralph that they did him a favor by involving him in this project. Ralph didn't think he was getting any favors, he didn't ask for that.
Gary came in and told Ralph that this has nothing to do with his talent. He said that he just comes across as a pain in the ass. Ralph said that he's trying to make things look good for this movie and he believes he has an eye for that stuff.
Ralph also talked about his battle with Scott DePace and how mad he is about everything that went down yesterday. He said that Scott is okay with people bringing up politics and other stuff but not his job. Ralph said he would be more embarrassed by his politics than his directing. Scott came in and went off on Ralph for a short time.
Scott said that Ralph will eventually be unemployed when Howard dumps his ass. Ralph said he's got enough money that he could probably retire on it. He's not worried about having a job after this. Ralph brought up the lighting on Howard again and Scott said he can't go through that again.
Ralph was goofing on Scott saying that he doesn't have the talent to do films but Scott said he has no desire to do them. Scott started to get angrier and angrier and started yelling at Ralph. He figured that Ralph was now in ''Jason mode'' and goofing on him like Jason was yesterday. Scott said he's been making suggestions to Ralph to take some classes on certain things but he always says he doesn't want to do that kind of stuff.
Ralph said ''no more Mr. Nice Guy'' anymore after all of this. He asked Scott why he gets so riled up over this stuff because the whole show is about goofing on people. Ralph said that Scott was going off on Jason but he thinks that Jason is the hardest working person in that office there. Scott doesn't believe that someone who types for a living is working hard.
Howard said he could listen to this stuff all day long if he was sitting in his car listening to the radio. He said that Scott looked like he had tears in his eyes as he was going off on Ralph. Scott said he was getting all fired up about this stuff after it went down yesterday. He doesn't like that it's Ralph and Jason goofing on him.
Scott said that he asked Ralph to come in today to help out with the lighting and he was told that he won't show up until around 10. Ten o'clock might be a little late to do something like that so he's not sure he wants him to come in.
Howard had Siobhan on the phone to try to help out with the lighting. Siobhan said that she did some theater when she was in school and asked a question about the way they do the lighting. Scott sighed and didn't answer so Howard let Siobhan go. He told Scott he could either have Ralph or Siobhan help him out. Scott didn't want either.
Gary said that Jason was busting Scott's balls yesterday but he's heard that there is some real dislike between the two of them. Jason came in and Scott said that he wasn't going to stay in there while he was there. Scott said he doesn't want to hear this stuff. Jason said that Scott is the one who comes back to his desk and starts arguments with him and then storms off.
Gary said that there's a whole other radio show that goes on during the show. He said that Jason and Will have to converse with each other in the office and they're constantly going back and forth with stuff. Jason said that Scott started an argument about politics one time and about an hour after he stormed out he got a phone call from Scott and he continued the argument.
Howard told Scott to just forget about all of that other shit and just direct the show. Scott said that he will hear an asinine comment from Howard and he has to argue with someone about it so he ends up arguing with Jason. Jason said that if Howard says one thing about politics Scott starts going off on him over the intercom.
Ralph said that Scott really does have some hate for Jason. He heard it from him during their phone call yesterday. Ralph told the guys about what Scott was saying about him and he really doesn't like him. Jason and Ralph went off on Scott goofing on his directing again. Howard said that this is going to be today's Howard TV episode so everyone can see the arguing.
Gary said that Cindy is coming in next Wednesday. Howard said if she looks that good for real, he's dumping Beth and going out with Cindy.
Howard said he got a nice note from Johnny Knoxville for supporting the Jackass movie so much. He also thanked Howard and the guys for all of the support they've shown over the years. He sent along some Jackass 2 sweaters for the crew as well. Howard said it was nice to get a note like that from someone.
Big Foot said he just paid a little over $100 for a week's stay at the hotel he's at. Howard asked him for his pick again and then wished him luck.
Crazy Alice was on the phone next. She's in first place with 5-3. Howard asked Artie if he was going to say anything to Alice this morning. He started off slow going off on her for her loss last week and Alice started to go off on him. She was upset with Howard for letting him go off on her the way he does each week. She said that she listens back to the show and knows that Howard turns up his microphone over her voice so she can't get through as loud as him. Howard said he didn't do that but she didn't believe that.
Artie said that there's no way that Alice has recording equipment. Howard wanted to get Alice's pick but she wanted to continue to go off on him. She was wondering about the Dice Clay special that's airing this weekend. Howard told her that's airing at 9pm on Saturday night.
Alice was goofing on Artie's sister so Artie said that she looks like Danny Glover. She shot back at him and Howard with some comments about how Italians have Nig**r blood in them. Artie told her that she's got feces blood. He threw in some more jokes about her looking like an old, used, black couch that someone threw out and things like that.
Howard interrupted and said he really had to move on. He asked Alice for her pick but the arguing kept going between them. Artie refused to let up. She eventually told Howard she was picking the Broncos so Artie let out a laugh. Howard thanked her for the pick and moved on to Elegant Elliot Offen.
Elliot was on the phone doing his mellow voice. He was doing a Southern accent demonstrating his phony voice abilities. Artie laughed and said that this was an insane asylum. Elliot was doing the voice to demonstrate how he got lines of credit to rip people off. Howard said he can't believe that someone would fall for that after hearing that voice.
Elliot said that he's going to continue to pour sugar over them like Johnny Fratto suggested. He said that's how he got on the show years ago and that's what he's going to continue to do. He was rambling about the first time he was on the show and how he got himself on the show. He eventually broke into his ''gangster'' voice and yelled at the guys on the show. He said if he ever sees Gary he's going to throw him off the 36th floor of the McGraw Hill Building (where SIRIUS is located).
He continued to yell about Gary for a short time and then calmed down to his girl voice and gave his plug. Howard told him that he won last week so he's in third place with 3 losses and 5 wins. He's not too far behind Alice at this point. Elliot wanted to know if he's still got a chance to win. Robin assured him that he does have a chance.
Elliot got in a plug for his DVD and how it's on sale for under $18. He also got in a plug for his web site GangsterTalk.biz where you can get a VHS version of that DVD. He's also selling phone calls that he will make to anyone you want. Elliot finally went into his pick and said that he was going with the Chicago Bears this week. He thanked Howard for his patience with him and got off the line.
Howard asked Artie for his pick this week. Artie said that Scott Ferrall suggested picking the New England Patriots so that's who he's going with. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that they have another film festival coming up in April or May of next year. Howard got a little distracted by Benjy who was eating at his desk. Robin said she was back there one day and saw all of the condiments that he has back there. Benjy was putting salt on his salad so Howard told him that he doesn't need salt on his salad. Howard said he eats salad with nothing on it.
Howard said that Beth told him yesterday that he's too thin but he likes being thin. Robin told him he's like a girl who is too thin. Artie said he feels for Howard so he sat down and tried to watch Dancing with the Stars yesterday but he got douche chills and wondered how Howard can watch that shit. Howard said it's the results show that's worth watching. The rest of it is boring. He explained how he pauses the show during the boring parts, bangs Beth, then goes back and watches the end of it.
Robin said she can't watch that show either and Artie is right not being into it. Howard said that 30 million people agree with him and watch that show each week. He said that if watching that show makes him gay, so be it. He then broke into his Grandma Caprio impression to get back at Artie. He did that impression for a couple of seconds and then did his Dana impression. Howard's megaphone broke so that put a stop to all of that. Howard wasn't able to do his impressions without the megaphone.
Howard showed off his stomach to everyone in the studio and Lisa said that he's in great shape. Artie said that she looks at Howard with stars in her eyes all the time though. Lisa got back to her news preview and mentioned that they'll be talking about Steve the Intern and Jason's trip to the Rolling Stones concert. They'll also have a story about the 1 cent preview that Howard TV is doing this weekend.
Ralph called in and said that it's funny how all of these people who are overweight are commenting about Howard being too thin. Robin said that Howard looks like a hanger at this point. Ralph said that Howard could probably stand to lose a couple more pounds. Robin said that Howard has no chest now and he can't even fill out his shirts anymore. She said that all that was there was his shoulders.
Howard said he was going to do a whole Grandma Caprio thing but his megaphone was broken. Artie said that it must have been someone from heaven who put a stop to the megaphone. Howard handed his megaphone to Scott the Engineer and asked him to fix it.
Howard got another megaphone to use so he went into his Grandma Caprio impression again. Howard didn't like that one as much as the other one but he used it anyway.
Howard played some audio from Good Morning America where Courtney Love claims that Mel Gibson helped her get off of drugs. She said she was in a room at a hotel doing drugs with some people and Mel kept showing up to her door. She said that the guys she was with actually ran off to have some food with Mel and that's when people came in to take her to rehab.
Robin said that Courtney still sounds sick. Artie said that he has a friend who was addicted to Xanax and it's one of the toughest things to get off of. Scott the Engineer came back in and told Howard that his batteries had come loose in the megaphone. Artie sarcastically thanked Scott for fixing that thing.
Howard started doing his Dana impression again and Artie couldn't believe that he was going into this again. ''Dana'' was asking Artie if he would pet her dog and saying that she wanted to get a bunch of dogs. Artie said that dog is going to be around for another 15 years... unless it has an accident.
Howard asked if the guys wanted to hear the Top 5 songs. Robin and Artie thought they did that earlier in the week. Howard said this was a new list. He ripped through the Top 5 real quick and played some short clips of each song. Justin Timberlake has two songs in there.
Howard said he got a letter from Cabbie the other day and said that he's saying that he's supposed to start working there but he doesn't have a contract yet. Howard asked Tim to come in and let him know what's going on. Gary told him that Tim just said that Cabbie was going to be hired part time but it hasn't happened yet. Howard said that they should just hire him already and stop dicking him around.
Artie said that he spoke to Tom Chiusano the other day real quick and he's a good guy. He said he got a call from him after he had seen a Beer League poster.
Tim came in and said that Cabbie is going to be working there part time on one of the music channels. Howard said he's going to be on Faction 28. Cabbie asked him for a loan in the letter he got but he really doesn't want to lend the guy any money. His policy is not to lend anyone money.
Artie said he's loaned people money and they don't bother paying it back and don't even acknowledge that they owe the money. Howard said that Cabbie asked for less than $10,000 but he's still not lending anyone money. Artie quoted something from the movie ''A Bronx Tale'' where this guy loaned another guy $20 and the guy never paid him back and would duck out from him all the time. That guy had a friend tell him that he's better off having that scumbag out of his life and how it only cost him $20.
Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made to a couple of Chinese food restaurants and had the two of them talking to each other and getting very confused about it all. Howard went to break after that.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she's been trying to keep her kids in line and she burned one of them with a cigarette accidentally and they've been behaving every since. She said that she was thinking of making that threat with them from now on to keep them in line. She said she might just do it again if she has to.
Artie said that he's into that system with dogs but not with kids. Howard said that she has to know that it's wrong to do such a thing to kids. Robin said that if she wanted to raise stupid kids, this is what she would do. Robin said that the kids have to go through a learning process and you can't just threaten them with burning to get through to them. The woman said that she can't talk to her kids because they're out of control. Robin said that she's already lost them then.
The woman claims that she's a public school teacher and she has seen stuff like this work with kids. She said she is learning that this is the way to parent. The guys all laughed when they heard that. Howard was going to let her go but Robin kept saying that the kids will not grow up very bright if she continues to do that. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard read something off the web where you're told to lift your right foot off the floor, start doing clockwise circles and then draw the number six in the air with your hand. Your foot will start to go counterclockwise and you have no control over it. Howard tried it and his foot changed direction, so did Robin's. Artie wasn't able to lift his foot.
Howard told Artie to go get weighed since he said he would do that late yesterday. Artie waddled over to the scale and it shot up to 291 pounds! That's up from 283 from the last time he was weighed. Artie said that he's either going to start losing weight or keep going up to 300. He said he joined a full court basketball league and he's been playing. He said he's been asked not to play the full court games because he's so big. They ask him to hang out for the half court games instead.
Artie said that he's never been over 290. He was only 265 in Dirty Work. Howard said that Artie's belly has gotten so big it's wild. Artie was wearing some new pajama-like pants. Artie said that they're his ''I don't give a shit anymore'' pants. Gary asked him if he can even tie his shoes. Artie said he hasn't tied them properly since he was in 4th grade.
Howard asked Artie if Dana noticed the weight gain when he was banging her. Artie said he's been wheezing and stuff when he dos that with her. Howard told him he should get on The Biggest Loser show. Artie said he's turned down Celebrity Fit Club for four years in a row now.
Gary said that they're working on a game where they'll have teams of fat guys on the show trying to lose weight but he's not sure about Artie. Howard said he would love to get one of those rubber love dolls and see how Artie mounts it. Artie said that it's brutal and depressing to be so heavy. He said he could be 250 in a blink of an eye.
Artie is going to do the Dice show this weekend and he might let them air his whole set if he gets drunk enough. Artie is going to be part of Dice's reality show on VH-1 so he had to sign a release for that. They'll be taping him back stage so there will be no down time back stage.
Tim Sabean said that the Dice special airs on Howard 101 on Saturday night at 9pm. Artie said that it's going to be one big party out there. He's doing Carnegie Hall the week after that. Howard told Artie that he's got a really big face right now. Artie said his head is about as big as Big Foot's.
Howard and Artie talked about the Dice reality show and how they think it will be good. Artie headed back to his desk but he was having trouble walking. Artie said he was tired. He went back to his chair and was barely able to sit down according to Howard.
Howard and Artie were checking out some video from the Penthouse Pet Pageant where Artie had a shocked look on his face when Heather took her top off. Howard got in a plug for the 1 cent preview that Howard TV is doing this coming weekend.
Artie told the fans to listen to this Dice show on Saturday night because it should be a good show. Howard also got in a plug for the Red Peters show which airs tomorrow night at 7pm on Howard 101. Artie said it was funny when Red did the Film Festival because he had a cheat sheet taped to his arm as he was singing.
Howard said it's probably not technically cheating but he should keep his mouth shut and not tell his girlfriend about it.
Howard said that Dr. Laura has a web site where she sells an action figure of herself. He read an article about it and described what the character looks like. He said that they downloaded the samples of what the doll says and played some of them. She says something about being the mother of a child in the military. Most of her comments are really lame and Howard said that she's ''such a fucking asshole.''
Artie said that he'd like to market a Big Foot Mark doll. He did his impression of him and said some things that he'd like that doll to say. Howard would like to change the Dr. Laura doll to say some things that she wouldn't usually admit to. He said a few of those lines and goofed on her for a little longer before he had to take a break.
Artie said that if he cut out the soda, he could probably lose 15 pounds in a week. Howard said he hates soda and can't drink it. Howard talked about how Coke is like this evil empire to him. He said that they won't advertise on his show because they think he's disgusting but he's not the one making people fat.
Howard moved on to this Hermaphrodite person. He told the guys to bring this Jane person in. Howard saw 'her' and said that it's a dude. He told the guy he looks like Billy West the comedian and asked if he's ever been told that. Jane said he's never heard that before. He told Howard that he has made a couple of porn movies. He claims to be both a man and a woman with the vagina and penis being fused together. He said his penis looks like a penis but it's actually a clitoris.
Howard wanted to see this guys' junk so he asked him to take off his pants. Jane showed the guys what he had going on down there. Howard told the guy he should go around as a man since he looks more like a man than a woman. Howard said he looked like Artie in a dress.
Howard took a look at what Jane had down there. He took off his pants, got comfortable and let Howard take a look. The guys all agreed he looked like a dude. The guy showed everyone what he had and shoved his penis inside of something. Howard asked him to take the penis out again and Jane said that it's actually a clitoris. Artie said that it's just an uncircumcised guy.
Fred asked Jane if he has periods. He said that he doesn't because that's all sealed up in there. Howard said that what he saw was a big, nasty set of balls and a big cock that he can tuck in like a turtle. Jane claims that the doctors have told him that he has a vagina. Howard wasn't falling for it and told him to just be a man and go gay if that's what he wants.
Jane said that he was raised as a boy even though he was going to be turned into a female when he was young. Howard said that was probably the right thing to do since he does look like a dude. Howard gave Jane a plug for his movie ''Hermaphrodesiac'' and then asked him if he wanted to ride the Sybian. He said he would do that.
Fred asked to see Jane's tits. He took his top off and did have a bra on. The guys all said that he had man tits when he took the bra off. He was rubbing his tits but Howard told him that he was a guy and had a bigger dick than even he does. Artie said that what they'd call him in his neighborhood is a ''jerk off.''
Artie told Jane to join a Joe Cocker tribute band, that's where he belongs. Howard asked about the movie he was in and Gary said that this looked like a snuff movie on camera. Howard gave him another plug for the ''Hermaphrodesiac'' movie and found out that Jane gets a hard on when he does the movie.
Howard had Jane get on the Sybian to take it for a ride. The guys were all going nuts even before Gary started up the motor. Fred said that he's never seen a belly hit the machine before. Jane rode the machine and said that it felt nice. He said that he felt an orgasm coming so Howard wondered if it was going to be a male or female orgasm because no one was going to clean up his mess. Jane said that it felt good and kept going trying to get off. Howard said it was like watching a dude jerking off. Howard told Gary to shut it off before he blew his load in there.
Will was gagging and said that he was going to vomit. He saw his penis pop back out after that and ran out. Howard gave him a plug for his movie and web site and told him they had to get him out of there because they were going to vomit.
Will came back in and said that he was ready to puke and that guy had a penis. Jane kept shoving it in which was bothering everyone. Howard told Jane it was just too much for him and he had finally met his match. Artie freaked out when he saw the guy sit on the couch but Howard told him he was sitting on a towel.
Captain Janks called in and said it might be morbid curiosity but he wants to see this as soon as possible. Doug Goodstein said that they will cut it today and it will be up on Howard TV by tomorrow night.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw some hermaphrodite movie one time and it was just a couple of dudes dressed up as chicks. Howard said he's never seen a real one himself. He said that one was just a guy who could shove his dick inside himself. You can check out his/her movie at DamagedPictures.com
They got Jane out of there and then Gary came in and said that he had to get out of the studio because it started to smell bad and it was just too creepy. He thought that the guy was going to have a male ejaculation and he wanted no part of that. He said that if he had gotten hit in the face with a dude's jizz, he wouldn't be able to handle it.
Howard said that this is going to be great on Howard TV. He described what the guy was doing on the Sybian and it was really weird. Gary said he started to get the eye flutter like the girls do when they're about to cum. Howard reminded everyone about the free preview they have going on this weekend on Howard TV.
Ralph showed up and said that he just watched that going on and it was the freakiest thing he's seen. He suggested that no one subscribe to Howard TV unless they have a really strong stomach. Gary told Howard that in the notes they have on Jane, it says that she's 55 years old but she think that she looks 35.
Steve Langford said that the Real Doll is returning to the show. They've been offered a new doll to tart up the studio. Howard said he'd take one of those anytime. Steve also said that they'll be talking about Steve the Intern going to the Rolling Stones concert and leaving his girlfriend at the hotel. They'll be talking about the Dice show that's taking place on Saturday night and also about the next Kill or Be Killed which will be taping next week at Caroline's on Broadway. Steve also said they'll have a Mr. Skin update in today's news.
Howard asked Jon Hein to come in and do his thing but Artie did his impression of Jon first. He did the rundown as he thought Jon was going to do it and then Jon did an impression of Artie doing an impression of him. Howard told him he just wanted to know what was coming up on the Wrap Up Show. He continued reading some notes about Artie in his show rundown though. Howard said he had no idea what was going to be on the Wrap Up Show after that.
Howard read some mail about Dancing with the Stars. One person wondered how Beth feels not going through with doing the Dancing with the Stars show. Howard said she's not upset that she didn't do it. Howard read some mail about the Jackie the Joke Man show. Some people think the show is so bad they should take it off the air and bring back Danny Bonaduce.
Howard had some feedback about the arguments that have been going on between Scott DePace and the other guys. Some people said that the lighting is not the problem, Howard's face is the problem. They want Howard to just give it up and let them shoot the show they way they are already.
Howard had mike move on to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
High Pitch Eric called in from Penn Station and told Howard he was handing out fliers for the Howard TV 1 cent preview that they're doing this weekend. Eric had a megaphone that he was using to get everyone's attention. Howard told Eric to yell out some stuff on the megaphone like ''I'm a pretty girl, make love to me!'' and stuff like that.
Joey Boots was also out handing out fliers so he called in too. Howard could only take a little bit of that before he had to hang up on both of them.
During the news Howard was talking about how he has no desire to become a father again. He wants to just relax after he retires and doesn't want to go through being a father of a new born again. He said that's the deal breaker for him and Beth. If she wants kids, he's not going to do it. Robin said that she thinks that Howard will end up like Chuck Norris who said he never wanted to have any more kids but now he's got twins and he's carrying them around in a papoose on his back. Howard said the only thing that should be strapped to his back when he's 70 years old is a colostomy bag.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:35am.
Howard started off the show talking about what a good St. Patrick's day they had planned. He talked about the upcoming guests they had coming in like Sam Kinison. Howard spent a short time talking about Kinison's previous job as a preacher.
Howard said that he got a letter from a real creepy guy who has been eating at the same restaurants that he has. He said the guy was telling him he looks better than he claims he does and he should start driving his Corvette faster and creepy stuff like that. He asked Gary to bring it in so he could read it on the air.
Robin reported that Whitney Houston was going to be getting married. Howard said he was attracted to her and all of his friends would tell him that she was a lesbian. Gary came in and talked about some other celebrities who are rumored to be lesbians like Kelly McGillis. Robin told Howard that Whitney was supposed to be getting married to some restaurateur.
Howard talked about going out to dinner with a lesbian couple and they bend over backwards to act like heterosexual couples by calling each other ''honey'' and stuff like that. He said that they were touching and rubbing each other like a husband and wife would. He said that they'll also show you their bedroom and it'll have a really small bed and it'll be decorated just like a hetero couple's home would be.
Howard said that he was out with that couple and brought up Whitney Houston's name which led to the lesbians talking about how Whitney was a lesbian. He said that they have no problem even telling wives of guys that they might be lesbians. He talked about how they spent the whole afternoon talking about how Whitney may or may not be a lesbian. Now she's getting married so Howard is pretty sure she's not. He had to take a break after that.
Robin talked about how some other celebrities go out with other celebrities all the time. Howard figured that they're just too repulsive to have other celebrity friends. He told Robin about how Larry does a whole 20 pages on how great Mario Cuomo is. The only person he put down in his book was the owner of the Washington Redskins.
Howard figured that Larry had to have jotted down notes about all of those people over the years because no one would have a memory for all of the stuff he wrote about. He wondered why people would want to sit around and look at Larry King all night hanging out with him.
Howard talked about Larry bringing up his Jewish heritage in the book and how he dated some Playboy models. He said Larry brings up being Jewish every minute in the book. Howard said Larry can't believe he's famous and neither can he. Howard said he figures Larry must be a celebrity after reading about everyone the guy has hung out with.
Larry was available for an interview but he passed on it because the guy is such a schlub. He talked about Larry doing that CNN show and how he would bring guests from that show to his radio show. Howard said he could write a book better than Larry could. He said Larry's book was okay but he could do better with his stories.
Howard said he should assert himself with the guests more and try to hang out with some of them. He said Larry had the balls to ask Angie Dickinson out on a date after his show and she actually went out with him. He said Larry gave him the creeps talking about that date in the book. There was another story about Marilyn Chambers appearing on Larry's show and she wanted to have sex with him. He attempted to do it but he wasn't able to get it up because there were people watching him in the studio.
Howard said that Dennis Miller has asked him to hang out with him but he always feels weird calling the guy because he feels that he'd be bothering him. They talked about the band Bon Jovi asking them to go hang out with them but they've passed on that as well. Howard said that they went to a Twisted Sister concert and the band ended up getting sodomized in the limo on the way there. He said he missed out on that but he could have gone and had a great time with them.
Howard said he feels really strange accepting offers like that from celebrities but Larry King must get all excited and goes to their house and schmoozes for a couple of hours. He said he'd bring that book in and read some of it to Robin sometime. He had to take another break after that.
Howard read some of the letters he got from the creepy fan he talked about first thing in the morning. The guy was telling Howard to stay the way he is and not to bother with cosmetic surgery. Then the guy talks about seeing him out at restaurants and how he doesn't bother him because he respects his privacy. The guy told him that he's got a lot of people who idolize him and he should start driving his 1980 Corvette like it should be driven before it freezes up on him.
Howard found that letter to be really creepy. He read another letter they got from a lesbian for Robin. After reading the letter Howard had to take yet another commercial break.
Howard talked about the advantages of renting videotapes instead of buying them and how he wouldn't want to do that with his own videotape. The caller had someone banging in the background so Howard asked him what was up with that. The caller was working in a shoe repair shop and someone was banging away in the background. Howard talked to the guy about the job and how he would probably just go buy a new pair of shoes instead of having them repaired.
Howard asked the caller if he could make some boots for him. The guy said they could do that but they don't usually do it. Howard said that if he doesn't do it regularly then he doesn't want him to do it at all. Howard said he was sorry he asked after finding out the guy doesn't do it on a regular basis.
Howard had some song parodies to play for the fans. He said he could do that or just talk for four hours straight with no commercials. He said it's an incredible ability to be able to do something like that. Robin told Howard that Scott Baio is apparently dating Nicolette Sheridan. Howard thought that was horrible news. He said they were supposed to have Scott on the show but he missed it.
Gary said he likes that show Scott Baio is on called ''Charles in Charge'' but he only watches it if there's nothing else on. He also talked about liking ''It's a Living.'' Howard said he passes right by those shows but Gary said that Howard takes his phone off the hook during Knots Landing so no one will bother him. Howard said that some of those shows are really lame.
Howard said he should have gone to bed with that Bo chick. He said he really did want to just have her. Gary said he would do her in a minute. Howard heard that one of the jocks there got her but Gary thought that was just a rumor. Howard said it was fact to him because the jock told him about it and so did Bo. Howard wanted to call the guy and ask him how she was.
Howard played another song parody that wasn't all that well produced but he thought it was one of the funnier ones that's been submitted. He had another one that he thought wasn't produced very well but the guy's voice was very funny. Gary said that Fred said that you can't fake being that bad. Howard had to take another break after that.
The phone kept ringing and ringing and then heard that it was a mobile number and the call couldn't be completed. Howard figured it was a car phone. He and Robin spent some time talking about some of the people who work there and Howard was talking about how easy the job of program director is. He said that they just have to play the same songs that other stations are playing.
Howard talked about how he didn't know what our troops were doing in Honduras and doesn't even know where that country is. He said he hates maps and trying to find stuff on them. He said he knows where California, Florida, Texas, New York and Boston are but that's about it. He said he could call like 17 people out of the blue and they wouldn't know where Honduras was either.
Howard tried doing the random call thing with some fans. The first caller knew where Honduras was but said that she's not that good with maps either. She was also asking about something that Howard didn't understand. Robin had to explain it to him and said that she wanted to hear the call they made to Acapulco. Howard didn't think the call was all that great so he wasn't sure he wanted to play it again. The woman was also saying that she had gone to Caroline's and saw some people out there like Dennis Miller. She said that he looked like a mess there. Howard said that Dennis may have been trying to look cool out there.
Howard spent a minute goofing on John Debella down in Philly and how little that guy gets paid working there. He also talked about an afternoon guy, Ed Shockey, on their station WYSP in Philly and how that guy would introduce himself as a friend of Billy Joel's. They spent a couple of minutes goofing on that guy. Gary said he heard that Billy Joel did thank Ed in one of his CDs. Howard said they should call that guy and ask him about the Billy Joel thing.
Howard talked about how he was a country DJ for a short time in Detroit. He said they wanted him to stay on but he had to clean up and not talk about sex. He said he had to get out of there after that. That's when he moved to Washington DC to get away from that.
Gary got Howard the phone number for that guy Ed Shockey. Howard said he could call him and tell him that he's friends with Mason Reese. He had to take a commercial break though so he didn't make the call to Ed.
Gary came back in and told Howard a story about Ed and how he sat him down one time and lectured him about how he's had a lot of famous guys on his show that he's broken on the air. Howard dialed Ed's number and got an error message so he had to try again. That didn't work either. There were some kind of network difficulties so Howard thought that was kind of ridiculous. He said it shouldn't be that difficult to make a phone call.
Howard tried again and again to make the call but it wasn't working at all. He was told that Ed wanted to call in from Philly instead so Howard said that would work. Meanwhile he talked about how they had a computer there that they were going to keep track of the show bits and stuff on. He said that he was also going to have an intern type up the scripts that they write so they can go back and check them out. Howard was told that they'd be able to go back and search for old segments and bits that contain certain words. Howard said it's unbelievable what computers can do.
Howard had Ed Shockey on the phone a short time later. Ed pretended that he was talking to Bruce Springsteen as he got on the line. Howard asked him if it was true that he introduced himself to Robin by saying that he was friends with Billy Joel. He said that wasn't quite true but Robin said that was the way she remembers it. She said that he said to her ''Ed Shockey, friend of Billy Joel's.''
Ed told Howard a story about how he was one of the first deejays to play Bruce Springsteen's stuff on the air. Howard told him he's a real rebel then. He also name dropped a couple of people that he's friends with like Mason Reese and Leslie West. Ed told Howard he doesn't run around telling people who he's friends with. Robin said he sits down to do that, he wasn't running when she met him.
Ed told Howard he should come down to Philadelphia for a visit. He said the people down there love him and would love to see him. Howard said they could see him in his videotape. The guys talked about how the person who really discovered Bruce Springsteen was the guy at the record company, not a deejay who just played the album on the air. Ed claims that the record company was trying not to promote the album and actually told them not to play it.
Ed continued to talk about how big Bruce Springsteen became down in Philly while he was playing his album. Gary told Howard that he discovered Suzanne Vega but she won't even talk to them. Howard asked Ed if he's actually been to Billy's home. Ed said he had been to his house but not to the apartment that he and his wife had just moved into. He also said that he hasn't really been in touch with Bruce Springsteen lately. Howard said he's not buying that he's friends with those guys. Ed said he never made the claims that he was. Howard let him go a short time later and then went to commercial.
Howard also talked about how quiet his brother-in-law Bruce is but he likes that because the guy doesn't annoy him. He said he doesn't like when he calls him ''Howchie'' like his mother does. He said that annoys him when it comes from him. It's not so bad when his mother does it though.
Howard and Fred told a bunch of gay jokes while doing their gay voices. Fred had a ton of sound effects that he threw in during that bit.
OoTC Stern and Mr. Blackswell spent a while talking about all of the stuff going on down at the parade and then performed a couple of songs together. The songs were all about gay stuff of course. After the songs Howard came back from the parade and then took some phone calls about the bit. One guy said it was excellent so Howard went to break after that.
Sam showed up in the middle of Robin's news report so Howard told the guys to bring him in. Howard said that Gary gave him a look that he didn't understand. Sam came in a short time later and Jackie was laughing his ass off for some unknown reason. Sam had a guy with him who he called the Jackie Martling of the West Coast.
Sam said that he was drunk and had been up all night because he wouldn't be able to wake up for the show. Sam told Howard he wasn't going to curse on the show. He had a few other people with him so Howard wondered if they had to stay. Sam said they didn't have to stay so he told some of them they could leave. He had one chick with him so Howard told him she could stay.
Sam was all over the place talking about how he's missed Howard and a bunch of other things. He said that he has been telling people how great he is and wondered why he didn't get any calls to do certain movies. Sam was pissed that he wasn't called about ''Good Morning Vietnam.'' Howard said that he wouldn't want people to see him watching that movie when he's a legend himself. He said he can't go to movies with the public anymore because he's gotten so popular.
Howard asked Sam if he wanted to call Bobcat Goldthwait this morning. Sam said he would love to do that. Howard had Bob's number so he said he might just do that. Sam was telling Howard about this guy Rick he had with him and how he was a cop. He offered to pay the guy double what he was getting paid as a cop and he's been with him ever since. Sam said that Rick ended up dragging a chick through the audience one night while he was doing a gig and her husband got involved and got his thumb broken. Sam said the people got arrested for felony assault so Rick is great.
Howard asked Sam about this movie he was supposed to be doing where he was playing an Eskimo. He was going to be working with some celebrities. Howard heard that when he read the premise of the movie, he thought it would be great for Sam. Sam said he must have been drunk and high when he agreed to do the movie. Sam said he did ''Back to School'' with Rodney Dangerfield and worked on their scene together. He said he rewrote his whole thing and made it funny. The movie did really well and he was one of the highlights of the movie even though he was only in it for 3 minutes.
Sam said that he turned down some movies like Howard the Duck where he would have done the voice. He said that would have been the end of his career if he had done that. Howard told Sam that he's turned down a lot of movies too. He said he was offered the chance to play a wacky weatherman who comes out as gay at the end of the movie. He wasn't going to do that.
Sam told Howard about how this certain director was doing Caddyshack 2 and Rodney Dangerfield had to walk off the movie because he didn't get along with the director. Sam was supposed to be in the movie but he walked off it with Rodney when they brought in Jackie Mason to replace him. He said that would be like doing a Rambo sequel with John Ritter instead of Sylvester Stallone.
Sam told Howard he signed on to do this new movie because he thought he'd be able to rewrite his lines to make it fit him. He said the money came in through his company so he should have been able to have control of it. Then his manager handed it over to a couple of guys who took control of the movie and wouldn't let him do what he wanted to do. Sam said he looked at the script a few weeks before they were going to shoot and he thought they were all set and ready to go. Then something happened with the director and he claimed that he knew nothing about the rewrites and wanted to go by the original script.
Sam said that he would do that if the guy agreed to sit next to him at the premiere so he could ask him if it was worth it to do something like that. Sam said he got fired and thrown out after that so that's why he was off the movie.
Sam said that they're all claiming that he didn't cooperate on the movie but that was a lie. He was also told that he had a contract that said they didn't have to pay him if he didn't go along with them. Sam said he busted his ass on that movie and that's a bunch of bull.
Howard said that this sounds like his FOX TV deal and how they screwed him over. He said he knows that Sam isn't lying because he sent through a similar situation. Sam said that they've been going off on him claiming that he was behaving despicably and stuff like that. Howard said he knows that Sam is telling the truth and he probably was screwed over.
Howard continued to talk about how Sam had gotten screwed over and he's on his way to being the biggest comedian ever. Sam said he's not Howie Mandel and doesn't want to be in a movie like ''Walk Like a Man'' like Howie was. He said he'd rather be in gay porn getting log slammed from behind before he'd do something like that. He said he wants to give his fans what they're looking for. Sam said that United Artists is trying to sue him for over $5 million. He said he rents his house and leases his car so he invited them to come after him.
Howard told Sam about Oliver Stone's office calling them up and asking for some tapes so they could have an actor study for a role he was doing. Howard said that he would have liked to have done the role himself. Sam said he has a great premise for a movie and he would like to do it with Howard. He said he's been talking to Bernie Brillstein about it. He didn't want to give the information out on the air. He said he'd tell him about it off the air instead. Howard agreed to do the movie without even hearing the premise.
Sam told Howard he was going to love this premise when he heard it. Howard asked him for some lines. Sam said that they could have Fred and Jackie punch it up a little bit if they needed it. Sam said he wanted to get American's do to the movie and not send it out anywhere else. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Sam told Howard that he made $2.5 million last year just from touring. He said that he had some of the top grossing gigs of the year the previous year. He said his time was worth over $1200 per minute at one event. Robin told him that she was in love with him after hearing that.
Howard had Bobcat's phone number so he gave him a call so Sam could confront him. Bobcat was on the line so Howard told him that he had Kinison there. He said he was going to try and patch things up between them the last time he spoke to Bob. Bob told Howard to go ahead and patch away. After a minute Sam said that he was surprised that Bobcat hadn't hung up yet.
Sam asked Bobcat where he was calling from and found out he's out in Los Angeles. He held back on goofing on him a little bit. Howard said that these two guys think that the other one ripped off the other. Sam said that he doesn't think that they ripped each other off... Then he told Howard to go head with this happy reunion he had planned.
Sam said that Bob must be happy about the news about his career. Bob said he was asked to take Sam's spot in that movie he was kicked off of but he turned it down. He said he felt bad for Sam when he heard about it. Bob said he turned down a couple of the gigs that Sam had been rejected from because he didn't want to take any work from him. Sam said that he lost a few jobs in movies like ''Screwed'' and others.
Bobcat said that he didn't think that he and Sam have a similar act so he doesn't think that they have a problem. Sam said that he knows how to say no to bad, stupid movies that he knows are going to be shit. Howard said he can't hold that against Bob. Sam said that Bob tore him up in an interview he did where he called him ugly and stuff like that. That's where the interview went down hill. Sam started to go off on Bobcat for what he's said about him in the press while Bob said that Sam is the one bad mouthing him in the press.
Bobcat said that Sam had claimed that he ripped off his act but Sam said that he never said that. Sam told Bob that he was going to be in L.A. The next day so maybe they should talk then. Then Sam started getting angrier and angrier and threatened to beat Bobcat's ass on the set of his movie. Bob asked him what he was going to do and said he didn't want to fight him. Bob said he doesn't fight and doesn't carry a gun.
Sam said Bob probably wakes up wishing he could be him. He said he wasn't going to take this guy's crap and it was a bad idea to call him. Sam said that Bobcat thinks he's hot shit and he's really not. Howard told Bob he tried to get them back together but it didn't work and he was wrong. He said that the press has pitted the two of them against each other and now things are going all wrong.
Howard asked Sam if he was going to keep him in his movie after all of this. Sam was a little pissed off so Howard asked Bob where he was in all of this. Bob didn't have much to say. Sam said that he and Bob do have different acts but he doesn't deserve to be called the names that Bobcat has said about him in the press.
Bob asked if he could apologize for his comments and just forget about everything. Sam started to get pissed at Howard for backing out of everything and that's when Bob hung up and Sam said the F-word. Howard asked him not to do that to him on the air and freaked out when he cursed.
Sam said that Howard should get Bobcat back on the phone because he wanted to talk about him some more. Howard told Sam that he's going to be the greatest comic that ever lived and that's the way he thinks about him. He doesn't feel that way about anyone else. Sam whipped out his penis at that point. Sam said that he had to have a second of sexual gratification at that point while Howard was kissing his ass.
Howard and Sam went back and forth complimenting each other for a couple of minutes. Howard then called Bobcat back because Sam wanted him to back him up in all of this stuff. Howard called him but got his answering machine. Howard left a message telling Bob that he would never beat Sam because Sam is the king of comedy. Sam said a few words himself. Howard said he would never try to patch things up between guys like that again.
Howard said the worst part of his whole thing is that it took place during Jimmy Fink's time slot so he wasn't going to get the ratings for it. He told Sam he had showed up a little too late. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy told Sam what a fan he was. Howard had to hang up on him because he was kind of annoying.
Another caller told Sam he saw him at a show and he was great. The guy also said that he had been listening to Howard for years. Sam told the guy to come out and see him at Rascals and to just knock on the back door telling them that he's the guy that called in.
Howard took another call from a woman who told Sam to be careful and make sure he doesn't get sent off to a mental home where he'd be tied up and labotomized. Howard was trying to find out what she was wearing and talked about what he would do to her if he got a hold of her.
Howard had to wrap up the show even though Robin hadn't gotten to much of her news. She said they did do the Honduras story though. Sam, who had been drinking wine all this time, was still kissing Howard's ass telling him he was going to put him in that movie he was talking about. Sam said his word is good and he will put him in that movie. Sam also said that he never would have hung up on Howard like Bobcat did. As Sam was talking about him Howard asked ''Bob who?'' as if he had forgotten all about Bobcat Goldthwait. A phone caller went along with that as well and pretended not to know who Bobcat was.
Howard said that since the people at Comic Relief had dissed Sam, he would never give money to the homeless again. Howard said that everyone is jealous of his career and he knows what that is like because he's had the same problems. He said that Sam is his best friend and continued to kiss his ass for a few minutes. He asked Sam to pull down his pants so he could stick his tongue up his ass as far as possible.
Sam told Howard he really appreciates him calling Bob and leaving that message earlier. He told Howard he will always love Howard and he'll always hate that guy Bobcat. Howard said that Sam has the brain of the best comedian around and not everyone uses that gift to do the right thing. He said that Sam turns down bad movies and doesn't get involved with the crap like certain other comedians do.
Howard said there is no more brilliant mind than this man Sam Kinison. He said that some day they will replay this tape and other comedians would listen to it and study him. The two of them continued to kiss each other's asses for a couple more minutes.
Sam said that he was done with the drugs at this point and he was only drunk on wine today. He said that he would always remember this day when Howard left that message on Bobcat's answering machine. Howard thanked Sam for saying that he has a big penis during the interview. He joked that when he was circumcised, they had to yell out ''timber!''
Howard was going to wrap up the show and give Jackie a plug but Sam mentioned his pal Mitchell who was there with him and how he would be at his show with him. They talked about coming up with a ''Bob Who?'' t-shirt to sell at the shows. Sam let out a couple of his classic ''Oh oh!'' yells as they were wrapping up. The show was over by about 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre time).