For the week of 08/15/2005 to 08/19/2005

• Monday Morning Blues. 08/15/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: ''I Will Always Love Drugs'' song parody, Pat Robertson talking about college education, Alanis Morissette performing ''Head Over Feet'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the morning talking about how ''vicious'' it is getting up so early in the morning. He said he had to pleasure himself in front of Beth to get to sleep last night. Artie laughed and asked him why that happened. Howard told him that they had good sex all weekend and then yesterday he was really horny but Beth had a stomach ache. He was trying to work with her but she kept telling him that she was sick and eventually told him to pleasure himself after putting on some porn. Howard said he was embarrassed to do it though so he tried to get her to do something else with him but she didn't want to do that either. He said she closed her eyes and turned away as he grabbed some tissues and started to beat it. He said it was really pathetic and he asked her to put her head on him or something. Artie asked him if he ever thought about having his dog Bianca help him out. He said he never thinks about that but when he's out on the street sometimes he has guys commenting on how they want to ''hit that ass'' on his dog. He doesn't advocate beating up homeless guys but when they say stuff like that to him, it doesn't help. He got back to his pleasure session and explained how Beth agreed to put her head on his shoulder as he was doing it. He said that helped out as she put her hand on his chest. At the end he warned her that he was almost done and had to push her hand away to put the tissues there. He said everything came out okay but he felt so disgusting that he just rolled over and went to bed. He also claims that he was thinking of Beth when he was doing it. He swore that's what he was doing but Beth wasn't so sure he was telling the truth.

  Howard was also talking about how depressed he gets on Sunday nights because he has to go back to work. He said he also still gets depressed about his divorce 6 years later. He said it's the worst on Sunday nights. It's because of the way it effects his family that bothers him so much. Artie said that Sunday's aren't good for him either. He said he gets depressed but it's not just going back to work, it's losing money on football games and stuff like that which depress him.

• TV And Movie Reviews And Discussions. 08/15/05. 6:10am
  Howard said he's been watching ''Meet the Hogans'' reality show lately and he's really into it. He said that Hulk Hogan is kind of like Ozzy Osbourne because he thinks he's a good father but he's really not. Howard explained some of the stuff he does on the show that's just not good patenting. He was also saying that Hulk's daughter is only 16 years old but she looks much older. Hulk's moustache is bothering Howard so much that he just wants to pull it off. He was also talking about how he uses his name a lot in the show. Gary came in and said that Will was telling him about one episode where they get a fashion expert to help them out and it was the guy Sixx who crashes award shows. They thought that was kind of odd.

  The guys were talking about another reality show where they have people dating and show just how wacky some people are. Howard said that it's great to watch that show to show your girlfriend just how great you are compared to the guys on the show. Robin said there was one guy who was lying about everything and was eating like a wacko and didn't understand why the girl dumped him. Howard mentioned one woman who had a hot looking picture on the web but when she showed up for the date, she was a really fat chick. Gary said that there was one guy who started to pull a chick's shirt off at the end of their date and the girl had to stop him because it wasn't what she wanted.

  Howard changed subjects and said that Rob Schneider's movie ''Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo'' only did $9 million at the box office this weekend. Rob thought it was going to do $20 million when he was on the show last week. Howard read the reviews on Friday and said it got zero stars! He said that Sal was telling him that getting zero stars is just as hard as getting four stars so that would make him go see the movie. Artie said that he's never been in a zero star movie himself so it must be pretty hard. Howard said he had a dream about Artie's movie ''Beer League'' and thought that it was great in the dream. He's not sure if that's what will happen when the movie really comes out though. Artie said that he wishes he saved the voice mail Howard left for him about his DVD (It's the Whiskey Talkin') because the surprise in his voice was really amazing. Howard said he really did like his DVD. Howard played some audio from a movie review where Ebert and Roeper ripped the movie apart. Ebert talked about being on Howard Stern's show and how Rob asked him how he could have given his first movie a thumbs down and now Ebert wonders how he could have made a sequel to that movie. Howard started to say that he had an idea for Rob's next movie and it would be about his career. He cut himself off and said that if he gives out the idea someone will make it.

  A listener called in and said that Rob Schneider went over to the Jim Breuer show on SIRIUS and he only gave him a 10 minute interview and wouldn't look Jim in the eyes. The caller said that Rob was giving Jim a hard time about being on Howard's show and wondered if Howard had asked him back. Gary came in and said that he was up at SIRIUS last Thursday and was looking for Jim but he was already gone when he got there. Gary said he heard that the interview was kind of short and strange and there was something going on there. Howard said he'd like to hear the interview so they may ask Jim to send a copy over. Another caller said that the ''Deuce Bigalow'' movie really sucked. Robin went to see the movie and she said ''it wasn't great'' and maybe the first movie was good because it was a novel idea. The second movie was just the same stuff with people with accents delivering the lines.

• Howard Worried About The Ozone... But Still Driving Gas Guzzlers. 08/15/05. 6:25am
  Howard brought up the price of gas and how everyone is still out there driving the gas guzzler's like the Hummers and limos. He admits that he's still driving around in a limo and he must be stopped but he has to prove to Imus that he can still drive around in one. He was talking about the Ozone layer and how it's apparently been destroyed by 40 percent and it's only getting worse with all of these gas guzzlers driving around. Gary said that he paid $2.93 for the highest octane gas the other day when he filled up. Howard said he's going to keep driving around in his limo and his A8 until the gas costs $10 or more. Gary said he plays a game with his kids where they try and guess how much the fill up is going to cost and they just recently passed $60 to fill it up. Robin said that she hasn't passed $50 on a fill up yet. Howard said he's only got about 1,700 miles on his Audi A8 and he's thinking that he should just put regular fuel in instead of the premium that he does now.

  Howard got back to the masturbation discussion he was having earlier in the morning and talked about how uncomfortable it was to do it in front of Beth. He said the first time he did that in front of her, she thought it was amazing because no one else had ever done that in front of her. Howard had to go to break a short time after that.

• Gary's Weekend In Dallas. 08/15/05. 6:45am
  After the break Howard was talking about his wiping technique after hearing one of his bumpers where they mentioned that. He talked about what a hassle it is for him to wipe after going to the bathroom. He said he ends up flushing a bunch of times because he uses so much toilet paper. Robin said she had a question about this but she'll have to wait until they get over to the new place. Artie was saying that he thinks he's going to die on the toilet some day. Howard said he won't stop wiping until he sees white paper so it just keeps going on and on. He said he's more worried about the environment between his legs than he is about the world's environment. Howard said he doesn't use toilet paper either, he uses tissues. Artie remembered the toilet paper they had at the schools in New Jersey and how it was like sand paper. Howard said that he remembers going to the bathroom in his underwear one time because he didn't want to use the bathroom at school. Robin said that people want to think that we aren't animals but we're doing the same things that regular animals are doing.

  Gary said that he was down in Dallas making an appearance and Cliff Palette showed up and wouldn't leave, just like Artie said. He talked about the station down there, live 105.3, and about some of the other talk radio guys who are on the station down there. That led to them talking about how Infinity is looking for the next Howard Stern and some of the people on the station down there may be up for the job. Gary spent a minute talking about that and then talked about Cliff Palette wearing a shirt that has 'The Howard Stern Show' lettering on it but Cliff made it up himself. He said that he hung around with him on Friday night and then on Saturday night. Gary said on Saturday night he got to the place around one o'clock and Cliff was already there. Cliff stuck around for the whole 5 hours and didn't leave until he left at six o'clock. Gary said he was paying attention to Cliff and talking to him a bit. Artie said that he did a comedy show down in Dallas and Cliff ended up talking to his girlfriend Dana while he was on stage. Artie said that Cliff was sitting there while he was talking about making reservations for a nice restaurant and he wondered if he should invite him as well. Artie said the guy is a really nice guy but he just stands there. Artie said he brought him on stage down there and the audience loved him. Gary said the owner of the club told him that Cliff was calling them all week to make sure he was getting a good seat. The radio station down there knows him and he apparently goes to a lot of their stuff. Gary said that he likes the guy though, he did't sound annoyed by him or anything like that.

• The Howard Stern Roast? 08/15/05. 7:00am
  Howard said he's heard enough about Peter Jennings death. He said it was like non-stop coverage of it last week and it's enough already. He was also saying that he didn't see the Pam Anderson roast on Comedy Central this weekend. Robin taped it but hasn't watched it yet. Artie saw some of it and thought Nick DiPaolo was great. gary saw the show and told the guys about some of the jokes they told. The guys were also talking about Courtney Love and how she was trying to get everyone's attention on the show by opening her legs and stuff like that.

  Howard was thinking about having some people in to roast him on the final shows. He said that he heard last week that the company is now planning on keeping them around through the end of his contract instead of getting rid of him early. Howard heard that Mel (Karmazin) isn't willing to pay off the rest of his contract at Infinity to get him over there early. Robin said that them leaving him on the air at Infinity is a nice advertisement for them. Gary said that he sits in on sales meetings and they're still planning stuff for later in the year for the show so they must be planning on keeping them around.

  Howard brought up the TV show deal he has in the works and how he was trying to get them to start taping them now instead of waiting until January. He said that the TV show is supposed to start in January but he wanted Infinity to let them tape these final shows. Infinity wanted Howard to play them a ridiculous amount of money so he backed out of the deal. He said they think he's up to something but he can't imagine what they think he's up to. He has a deal with In Demand to put his show on their on demand service and that's it. He doesn't have anything else ''up his sleeve'' like they seem to think he does. There are a lot of people out of work until the end of the year and he doesn't like that. Gary said that their last day on the air should be December 17th. Howard said he's going over to the new studio today to give his kids a tour. He said he's going over there but doesn't know where everything is. Gary said he would show them around later today if he wants.

• Weight Gain And Weddings. 08/15/05. 7:05am
  Howard said he's been gaining weight lately even though he's working out and running. He said he has been drinking a bit. He figures that's one reason he's gaining weight. Gary talked to him about going out to eat with him one time and how Howard seemed to be really into the drinking he was doing. He said even his body language makes it seem like the drinking is making him very happy. Howard said that could be true and the drinking does feel good. Howard quickly changed subjects again and said that their friend Ross' wedding is coming up next week and it's going to be tough in the hot weather. Howard said that Ross is the first one to get pissed when someone holds a wedding in the summer because he has a house out in the Hamptons that he likes to stay at. Now Ross is having the wedding in the city while everyone else wants to be out on the Island. Howard was also talking about the rehearsal dinner that Ross is holding and how he doesn't want to be part of that. He said he called Ross and told him he wasn't coming but then felt guilty and called him back to let him know he was going to make it. Howard said that he heard that Ross' fiancee is losing a lot of weight before the wedding but he figures she'll blow up just like every other wife does after the wedding.

  Gary talked about the Mets games over the past week or so and how they lost a game after they had a no-hitter going for 8 innnings. He quickly went over some of the other stuff that the team has been going through and Artie goofed on him a little bit since he hates the Mets so much. Howard had to take another break after that.

• Denise Foley From Prevention Magazine Calls In. 08/15/05. 7:30am
  After the break Howard had this woman Denise Foley from Prevention magazine on the phone. He said she was on the phone to talk about lung cancer. Howard was talking about how he understands Peter Jennings getting lung cancer after smoking but Dana Reeve getting lung cancer doesn't make sense to him. She wasn't a smoker. Denise reminded Howard that Andy Kauffman died of lung cancer and he wasn't a smoker either. Denise said that there are some people who may get it due to genetics and that may be why Dana Reeve got it. She said that non-smokers have a better chance of living than smokers do but the rate is only 23 percent. Denise also said that radon gas is one thing that may cause lung cancer so Howard wondered if he should test for that. Robin said that she's thinking about having another radon test done. Gary said that he had the test done when he bought the house and he may have it done again. Denise said that the radon gas comes from pockets of uranium that may be under your house. She said that even if your neighbor has it, it doesn't mean that your house will have it. Howard said that maybe that's why Dana got lung cancer. He told Denise that he was learning from her but it doesn't take much when he has such an empty head.

  A listener called in and said that before Dana married Christopher Reeve, she was a night club singer and she worked in clubs where people smoked. It could have been second hand smoke. Artie said that if that's the case, he has no chance of not getting lung cancer. Robin reminded him that he smokes and that could get him but Artie thinks that it's the second hand smoke that's going to get him. Denise told Howard that the percentage of people who get lung cancer who never smoked is between 15 and 20 percent. 40 percent of the people are former smokers. Robin and Howard both used to smoke but Howard said he didn't smoke all that long. He wrapped up with Denise a short time later and let her go.

  A listener called in and told Howard about this guy Kevin Trudeau who has a book (Natural Cures 'They' Don't Want You To Know About) out where he talks about natural cures for problems that the FDA don't want you to know about. The guy was boring Howard and he bailed out on the call after just a minute or two. Robin told Howard that the book the guy was talking about is on the best seller list. Howard talked about what a great person Dana Reeve is and how horrible it is that she's going to go through this whole thing.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks the drug Ecstasy should be legalized. He told Howard about how he never did any drugs until he tried E this weekend and it was the best thing that was ever invented. He wondered if Howard had ever tried it. Howard has never done it but Artie tried it one time and wasn't all that impressed.

• Beetlejuice Song Stuck In Howard's Head. 08/15/05. 7:45am
  Howard said he couldn't get the Beetlejuice Song out of his head over the weekend. He said he couldn't get either version out of his head. He was singing Beet's version and the version that Staind did. He thinks that the band could have a hit with that song. As he was getting ready to go to break he played Beet's version of the song and sang along to it. He then tried to play the Staind version but the CD player wasn't working and kept skipping. He eventually got it to work for about 5 seconds before it crapped out again. He said he hopes the equipment over at SIRIUS works better than this stuff does. Gary came in and told Howard that they've complained about that CD player to Scott the Engineer but nothing has been done about it. Howard put it in a different player and got the Staind version of The Beetlejuice Song to play. After the song was done, he said he figured out why the CD player wasn't working. He also heard that Gary was in the studio playing Hall & Oates on his board last week but Gary said that was absolutely not true. Howard said that he loves that Staind version of the song. They also had Beet sing a heavy metal song last week. He had a little taste of that one. Beetlejuice sings about himself once again. Some of the lyrics from that song...
  Beetle
  I don't know cause I look good
  but I'm tryin to get laid
  Beetle know what he get when he wants
  I look like a kango but I'm getting the hango
  

  The lyrics don't make much sense, but you have to remember that they're coming from Beetlejuice, the tiny headed dwarf who once spelled the word red 'LSTER.' Howard mentioned that they had the Intern Beauty Pageant coming up next and ended up talking about his cousin who has been working there as an intern this semester. He said he feels bad he didn't spend time talking to him more this semester.

• Howard's SIRIUS Channel Goes Live In September. 08/15/05. 7:55am
  Howard said that his channel over at SIRIUS is going live in September. He can't work there himself but that doesn't mean that other people can't go over there and do some stuff. He said he's not going to go over there and be a guest or anything like that either, he's going to hold off until January. They (SIRIUS) can only add channels 2 times a year according to what Howard heard. After mentioning that he said that he thought his girlfriend was supposed to be there this morning to judge the Intern Beauty Pageant but she wasn't there yet. Gary said that she did confirm that she'd be there but hadn't shown up yet. Howard had to go to break after that.

• SFN Attacks C-Span. 08/15/05. 8:10am
  After the break Howard played a voice mail that Gary the Retard left for them over the weekend where he asked them to give him a call. He said he wants his own show on SIRIUS and he wants to be on the show as soon as possible. He was really wound up and yelling at them. After that he played an audio clip from C-Span where they talked about the number of Howard Stern prank calls they've been getting lately. They explained that there was a lot of people trying to get on that morning because the SternFanNetwork.com had been planning it over the past few days. They were bragging that they only let 1 of 68 calls get through that morning but Howard warned them that it was a bad idea because now the SFN guys will try even harder to get through. Howard went on to play a few other prank calls that did get through to C-Span lately.

  Howard also had some audio of Richard Simmons talking about his new show on SIRIUS radio. Richard said that he won't be appearing on the Howard Stern show when he was asked by Al Roker about that. Howard said that they may have to go visit Richard's show when he's on over there. He had a few more C-Span prank calls to play after that.

  Howard brought up a story about Paris Hilton not liking her dog Tinkerbell anymore because it's gotten too big for her and she wants something smaller. Howard thought that was kind of weird. He quickly mentioned that and then brought up a story about Shaquille O'Neil and how he's some kind of cop now. Howard played an audio clip of Shaq talking about how he's trying to get the pedophiles off the web and he's working to make that happen. Howard said this is kind of like Elvis when he would go around acting like a real cop even though he wasn't. He continued to play the tape where Shaq was explaining his job.

• Dennis Rodman Calls In. 08/15/05. 8:25am
  Dennis Rodman was on the phone unexpectedly. He was calling in from China where he was playing basketball. Howard could hear a bunch of people talking in the background and asked Dennis if he could put someone Chinese on the phone so he could talk to them. Howard tried to talk to the guy but he got off the phone before he had a chance. Dennis also put a woman on the phone so he could ask her about General Tsao's Chicken. She got on but Howard told her that he wanted to eat her moo goo gai pan. She giggled and got off the phone. Howard asked Dennis to have her say ''Me so horny'' but she wouldn't say it and their interpreter wouldn't repeat it. Howard told Dennis to stop by when he's back in the states. Dennis said he'll probably be on the show in October to promote his new book. Howard let him go after that.

• The 2005 Summer Intern Beauty Pageant Part 1. 08/15/05. 8:30am
  Howard said that Beth was supposed to be there to judge the Intern Beauty Pageant but she forgot all about it. She didn't write it in her book and won't be coming in today. He said that they're going to have J.D. come in to judge it instead. Howard talked to J.D. and found out that he's really into some of the chicks but some of the girls he doesn't like because they have ''perfect lives.'' That led to the guys saying that J.D. Had the chance to live with one of the girls, Diandra, who offered to be his roommate. J.D. Said that he couldn't do it because he would have had to have come up with a lot of money for rent. Howard and the guys told him he was an idiot for not going for it and going to live with the chick. Howard asked him if he ever pleasures himself while thinking about the girls. J.D. Said he does that but he wouldn't say which of the girls he does that to. Ronnie the Limo Driver said that J.D. will go down and watch Claudia smoke every day. He stands there while she blows smoke in his face. The guys were wondering what he thinks about when he's doing that to himself. Ronnie thinks that he doesn't last that long and as soon as he thinks about any of the girls, he just finishes.

  Bong Hit Eric called in and said that all of the girls looked really good up on Howard's web site. He also said that he's psyched for the new TV show but Howard cut him off and got back to J.D.. J.D. Said that he wasn't going to say who his favorite intern was. He didn't want to say but Ronnie had already told Howard that J.D. really likes Claudia and she's the one he goes down to watch smoke. Howard thought that J.D. Sounded a lot like Napoleon Dynamite and goofed on him about that for a short time. Howard and the guys were talking about how J.D. just started drinking recently and he started out by drinking Malibu Bay Breezes. Sal was in there goofing on the guy and said something that got the delay hit at least one time. He was doing an impression of J.D. That had everyone laughing their asses off. Howard told J.D. That he was going to be the King of the day because he was one of the judges. The girls were playing for a $2,500 grand prize courtesy of TrimSpa. The second and third place winners get $1,000 each. They also have a big LCD TV courtesy of NewEgg.com and diamond stud earrings for the winner courtesy of Fidelity Diamond. There were a bunch of other smaller prizes that they mentioned as well.

  Howard started the pageant after that and had the first intern come in. They played Kelly's intro and found out that she wants to be a General manager some day. Gary sid that he thinks that Kelly is one of the interns that J.D. Thinks has a 'perfect life.' J.D. Said she is beautiful and probably does have a perfect life. Kelly said that she went out with a 24 year old when she was 17 and he actually waited until she was legal before sleeping with her. She's now dating a DJ at Z100 by the name of Nico. The guys were still goofing on J.D. but Kelly said that he's a great guy and sends her messages through a message service that they're both on. Kelly claims that she had a hot dream about Howard one time and she doesn't know where that came from. She also claims that she's caught Sal looking at her boobs quite often and one time saw him staring at her arm pit as she was having a conversation with him. Howard read some other notes about her and asked the guys in the studio how they got any work done with these hot chicks around. Gary said it wasn't easy, he had to ask her to stop talking so much when she'd be telling stories to everyone. The guys noticed that Gary was sweating a lot and his armpits were stained with sweat. He said it was really hot in there and he couldn't help it. Howard had Kelly sing her song that was to the tune of The Rolling Stones ''Satisfaction.'' Howard let J.D. vote first and mentioned that he didn't even crack a smile during her song. J.D. gave her a score of 9 after bad mouthing Z100 calling it a ''douche bag station.'' Ronnie the Limo Driver was up next, he said that she's like every girl in high school that you hated but he gave her an 8 anyway. Sal asked her what she would do for a 10. She said they already had that discussion but Sal asked her for what she was wearing under her dress. She refused so he gave her a score of 4! The guys thought that was pretty rough and it was obvious that Sal is an angry guy. Howard asked her a couple more questions and found out she's 5'5'' tall and weighs 120 pounds. He had to take a commercial break before getting to the rest of the girls.

• The 2005 Summer Intern Beauty Pageant Part 2. 08/15/05. 9:05am
  After the break Howard got back to the pageant. He talked about the score that Sal had given to Kelly earlier. Kelly was kind of pissed at him for doing that to her. Scott the Engineer said she was out in the hallway yelling at him during the break. Sal apparently tried to apologize but Kelly said he said that he had to do it for his image and for ratings. Sal said he didn't do it for ratings, he's not Mel Karmazin and isn't worried about the ratings.

  Howard moved on to Diandra next. The played her intro and Howard said she was dressed in a yellow bikini. Gary said that some of the guys said that she had the worst (best) case of camel toe ever with that bikini. She didn't seem to mind them noticing that and went on to talk about how long she had to wait to get the internship on the show. She's also the one who offered to live with J.D. as a roommate. Howard asked J.D. what he was thinking not taking her up on the offer. J.D. Said he wasn't able to come up with the money he would have needed and Diandra said that it was a last minute thing. She told Howard that he also talks to her on the web like he does with Kelly. She said they're both part of MySpace.com. The guys continued to goof on him about not moving in with her for a short time. Howard got back to Diandra and said that he read she was kind of jealous of some of the other girls when she started there. She said that the other girls were getting more attention than she was. She was also talking about the guys she's dated and how she hasn't really had all that much sex in her life. Diandra said she lost her virginity to a guy who lived next door to her at the time and he refused to talk to her for about 2 weeks after it happened. She said she likes to smoke weed but has been trying to stop lately. She said she thinks she's addicted to it right now and wants to stop smoking so much. Howard had Diandra sing her song after that. She sang a parody to the tune of a Frank Sinatra song. Ronnie was the first one to give a score. He said that she's a great girl and she's always very nice. He gave her a 9. Next up was J.D. who gave her a score of 10. Sal still had to judge so there was a chance those scores would mean nothing. Sal said that he loves her and asked her to do something but the delay was hit on whatever he said. Sal ended up giving her a score of 9. Kelly was still kind of bummed out by the score that he gave her earlier after hearing the 9.

  Next up was Claudia. They played her intro and Howard said that she's another beautiful intern. She was wearing a mini-skirt and a bathing suit top. Howard asked her what she would buy with the money if she won the pageant today. She said she would spend it on a nice stereo system and a good vibrator. She said a good one costs about $70 these days. A short time later the guys were back on J.D. and Diandra because he said that he liked her the most out of all of them. He had to explain, once again, why he couldn't move in with her. Howard got back to Claudia and found out that she used to make out with girls back in high school and people would blow them up and stick them to her locker to make fun of her. That led to Gary bringing up a poll they held there that J.D. won. He was voted one of the worst as far as hygiene. One of the girls said that he has bad breath in the morning sometimes. Howard read that Claudia would like to sleep with Beth O even though she's never slept with a woman before. She was also talking about how she dislikes Asians who drive, but not the ones who do nails and dry cleaning. She was also talking about how her father's job is kind of in a grey area even though he says he's a fruit importer. When Artie thought the guy might be in the mob, he immediately said ''Claudia gets a 10!'' A short time later Howard had Claudia sing her song parody to the tune of ''These Boots Are Made For Walkin.'' Sal said he feels bad for J.D. and said that he was going to give her a score of 5 unless he gave J.D. a 3 second kiss. The guys said that wasn't going to happen so Sal gave her a score of 7. Sal said he would have given her a 9 if she had kissed J.D.. J.D. was up next to vote. He was saying that he doesn't think he has a shot with Claudia or any of the other girls there. The guys were still asking him about what he does when he thinks about the girls but he didn't want to talk about that. He gave Claudia an 8 and then Ronnie gave her a score of 9.

  Gary said that the girls filled out a poll and said that Will was the most attractive guy there and Scott the Engineer was the worst looking. Howard said that Scott is huge these days and he's almost the size of an elephant. Howard quickly ran down the list of prizes and then brought in Stacy. Howard thought her body looked pretty amazing. He read that she thinks that she's fat but she's far from it. Gary said that she gets lunch and eats a couple of pieces of celery and carrots and that's it. She's at 5'6'' tall and weighs 110 pounds. He told her not to get any skinnier than that though. She said she's a vegetarian and doesn't plan on getting any thinner. The guys were checking out the white outfit she was wearing and wondered where else she wears it. She said they have theme parties at school and she'll wear it there. Howard read that she also thinks she's pretty experienced in the bedroom. She lost her virginity at 17 and has had some experience since then. She said she's not into the whole sensual thing and likes to be kind of rough. Gary said he read that she likes to be thrown against the wall. She also talked about how she lost her virginity in the bathroom of a hotel when she was at a party. Howard also read that if she gets pregnant, she'd have an abortion in a minute. Howard and the guys thought she was perfect after hearing some of that stuff. Howard wondered why J.D. Hasn't spoken to her online. Stacy was wondering too and felt kind of offended that he hadn't tried to talk to her online. Gary said that Stacy took home a computerized vibrator from a box of stuff they had there at the station. She said it sounded like a cool thing because it was a computerized rabbit vibrator. Stacy went on to sing her song parody after that and sang it to the tune Madonna's ''Material Girl.'' Howard had J.D. go first in giving Stacy her score. He didn't look comfortable so Howard talked to him about that and asked him if he's still a virgin. J.D., who is 25, said that he is still a virgin. Stacy said he's probably just waiting for the right girl. Gary said that he's waiting for a girl to say 'yes.' J.D. gave Stacy a score of 8 after saying that she's a little too thin for him. Up next was Ronnie who gave her a score of 8. Sal was up next and said that she's too thin and looks like ''Macauley Culkin with boobs'' and she should be on Auschwitz.com looking like that. He ended up giving her an 8 because he still thought she was beautiful.

  Gary had the final scores and said that Kelly came in 4th place thanks to Sal's score. She won $500 and a few other prizes. The tie for 3rd place was between Claudia and Stacy and the winner was Diandra. She was so happy that she was in tears. She said she has a lot of bills to pay and this meant a lot to her. Howard had the people from TrimSpa come in to present the prize money to her. One of the women said that she lost 80 pounds using TrimSpa and she's still trying to lose more. Howard said she looked pretty good where she was though. They also had some gift bags from TrimSpa for the girls. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked everyone but Sal. Ronnie got in a plug for the new Scores that will be opening in Las Vegas on September 21st. He said it was an exclusive but no one believed it was an exclusive. Howard went to break after that.

• FCC Indecency Critic Discussed. 08/15/05. 10:05am
  After the break Howard mentioned that the FCC has hired an ''indecency critic'' who may just make things worse than they are now for people on radio and broadcast TV. He read an article about this woman, Penny Nance, and how the FCC is thinking of acting on 50 indecency complaints in the near future. Howard said ''Good! I can go out with a bang!'' but then said it would be nice if they could just ignore him. She's apparently looking to go after basic cable over indecency so Howard wished the cable industry luck with that. He said that's one reason he's moving to In Demand cable next year. That led to the guys goofing on Congressman Heather Wilson who went off on the owners of Viacom last year. Howard had Robin start her news after that.

• Various Phone Calls And Other Stuff. 08/15/05. 10:15am
  During the news Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if the Intern Beauty Pageant would make it on the In Demand network. Howard told the guy they don't have cameras in there right now so it won't be on. He said the best he can do is put pictures up on his web site today.

  Jeff the Drunk called in and said that he had some bad news... His TV was gone. It wasn't stolen, it just died and he can't get a new one. Howard couldn't believe that was his bad news. He figured it would be something like the fact that he lives in a trailer with his mother. He let him go a short time later and said that bad news is like Dana Reeve reporting that she has lung cancer.

  Howard took a call from a woman claiming to be a boxer by the name of Melissa Roberts but her phone connection sucked and Howard almost hung up on her. He stuck with it and thought that it might be cool if Artie took her on and boxed her. Howard put her on hold so they could set that up. Artie said he could probably beat her but he's not sure if he could hit a woman. Howard got her back on the line and asked her how much she weighs. She said that she weighs about 122 pounds so Howard figured Artie could just push her over and knock her out. She said she's pretty strong though and could probably take him.

  Another phone caller said that he just got a SIRIUS radio recently and he loves it. He was also talking about the In Demand TV show and how great he thinks that will be. Howard ended up talking about what he heard happened when they had a big meeting there at Infinity where they wanted to get rid of Howard but wanted to be paid. SIRIUS wasn't willing to pay the remainder of his contract so they told Infinity to keep him. Howard and Robin said they'd like some time off but it looks like they'll be working right into December until their Christmas vacation time. Howard also talked about how they hit the delay when Sal said the word 'semen' during the intern beauty pageant and the way he used it should have been okay. Then Tom Chiusano lectured Sal about not using that word or anything like it on the air again. Howard said he told Sal to forget what Tom told him. Tom came in a short time later to defend himself but they ended up talking about satellite and how Howard will probably still be there through December. They got back to the semen discussion and Howard said there was nothing wrong with the way Sal used it. He made a joke about the semen being one ingredient in the drink that J.D. was talking about. Gary came in and asked Tom if it wouldn't make more sense for him to come to him and tell him about the joke and let him handle it with Sal. Tom said that he just told Sal that the semen joke wouldn't make it to the air, that's it.

  Howard and Gary were asking Tom about what he's heard about what's going to happen there with the show once Howard leaves. Tom refused to answer so they knew that he must have finally been told something. Howard thought that they were keeping him in the dark until now. Tom said that he's had a great career there at the company even though Howard was apologizing to him for ruining his career by leaving the company. The guys spent a few more minutes talking to Tom about his work there at the company and how it's very unusual for a General Manager to stay in the same place for 20 years like Tom has. Tom said he really enjoys the job though. Howard wished him luck with it. Gary wondered if they'll see Tom once they make their move to the new place. Howard thinks that could happen but he's not sure what he could do there. Gary said he'd be great at handling the budget for the show. Howard had to take a break after that discussion. Howard wrapped up the show around 11:05am.

• Jim Breuer's Close Encounter With Howard And Gary. 08/15/05. 4:55pm
  I was listening to my SIRIUS radio today, since I no longer listen to terrestrial radio after Howard's show is over (Sorry K-Rock, it's over). I just happened to be listening to the Jim Breuer Unleashed show on Raw Dog 147 when they saw Gary and Howard walking the hall there at the SIRIUS studios. Breuer and his crew tried to get them to come in the studio but Howard wouldn't come in. The guys figured that Howard may not be allowed on the air over there yet because of contract issues. At one point you could hear Gary saying something to Jim and his guys and it sounded like something about not wanting them to mention that he was even there. Breuer then said that there was someone who looked like Howard there at the studios and moved on with his show. A short time later there was a caller who said that he didn't get his SIRIUS radio for ''that impersonator'' who was walking down the hall... Breuer and his crew said that's odd because that's exactly why they went to SIRIUS.

• Howard And Gary Visit The SIRIUS Studios. 08/16/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: ''Tom Chiusano'' song parody, Staind performing ''Right Here'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the morning with a few belches (real and fake) and said he was over at ''Ehh, ehh, ehh'' (SIRIUS) and saw his new studio and thought it looked very nice. They also have a space ready for them to go just in case Infinity lets them go early. He said he saw Jim Breuer doing his show and thought about going on but didn't know if he'd be messing with his contract or not. He said his daughters were with him as well and he didn't want to get started. Gary was there as well and said that Howard's kids saw Human Newman there from Z-100 and they were thrilled to see him. They also saw Mike Love from the Beach Boys hanging out in the halls there. They also stopped by the Shady 45 channel but they have curtains outside of the glass booth. He said they're behind curtains but the curtains are on the outside so they just pushed them away. Gary said the curtains are always there too. The Maxim channel also has curtains but they couldn't see through them very well. That channel also has it's own rules and they censor themselves and keep it pretty clean there. Gary said they're not completely naked chicks running around and they're trying to protect their image by keeping it pretty clean. He also said that they take a lot of phone calls on that channel. Howard and Gary also stopped by the gay channel ''Out Q'' which is near the Martha Stewart channel studio. The NFL studio is right near there too. They somehow manage to get along over there. Gary said they saw John Riggins there and he apparently doesn't like them. Gary told Robin that he saw Riggins there recently and when Riggins was told who he was, he just turned away and ignored him. He's not sure if the guy dislikes them or just doesn't care. Howard thought he was kind of weird about it. Gary said they saw a bunch of people they've known through their careers on radio. They saw Mark Coppola, Meg Griffin, Human Newman and others working there.

  Howard said he's got an office in the building and he looks right down on the old NBC building they used to work in. He said now he can look down on it and talk about how great it was that he got fired. It was the best thing they could have done for him over there. Gary said that one of the guys on Jim Breuer's show said that doing their show in front of Howard was like trying to play guitar in front of Paul McCartney. Howard said his daughter's didn't hear him say that but they heard a phone caller say that he didn't buy SIRIUS to hear Howard Stern, he bought it to hear Jim.

  Howard went to the new Nobu last night and broke his no-drinking-during-the-week rule. He just had some saki and no real booze. Howard and Gary talked about Saki for a few minutes since Gary drank a bunch on one of their shows that made it to TV. He was picking up the tiny cups and drinking with his pinkie sticking out as he was drinking it. He thought it looked really gay on TV.

  Gary said Howard's daughters seemed to be impressed with the new place. Howard told him they were and his daughter shot him an e-mail this morning talking about how nice it was. They were impressed that everything looks so new over there. Howard had some tape from Jim's show where they were talking about Howard and Gary being there. Howard and Gary said that Jim walks around with his microphone like a stand-up comic and they're in a little room that barely looks like a studio. Jim was laughing with his goofy laugh when ''Dell'Abate'' walked past the studio. Jim was having some trouble with his headphones and thought he was knocked off the air. Jim and the guys were saying that they weren't sure if Howard could come on the air or not.

  Howard talked about how much freedom they're going to have on the air and that led to him talking about how much the show was edited yesterday. He said he doesn't know how anyone could follow what was going on. Once he gets over to the new place he'll the freedom he wants. Artie said they'll probably be really casual talking one day and then they'll finish up the show, walk out and think to themselves that they were really filthy.

• Pam Anderson Roast Discussions. 08/16/05. 6:20am
  Howard said he watched the Pam Anderson roast on Comedy Central and thought it was great. He got a copy of it without the bleeps in it so he heard most of it. Artie said they were bleeping it like crazy when he watched it. He thought that Lisa Lampanelli was really good. Courtney Love was really annoying and was trying to get attention the whole time. Sarah Silverman was really good and Howard said she was goofing on Courtney Love. Andy Dick was really funny and went over and started playing with Pam's boobs and using them as guns and stuff like that. Tommy Lee played a song in the middle of the thing and it seemed kind of odd and maybe Pam set that up to help him out with his album. Nick DiPaolo and Greg Giraldo were really funny as well. Now Howard wants to have everyone in to roast them before they leave terrestrial radio. Gary said they could pick the perfect people to do it so it wouldn't be boring. They talked about having Jeffrey Ross, Nick DiPaolo, Lisa Lampanelli and Greg Giraldo as a few of them. Artie said he was invited to go out there but he couldn't make it since he had other things going on.

  Gary said he was thinking about inviting some really wacky guests like Rosie O'Donnell and Kathie Lee Gifford. That led to Howard talking about how Kathie Lee is supposed to be taking a job on ''The Insider'' as a correspondent. He said he thinks that's kind of weird. Gary said he'd also like to invite people like Richard Lewis who is kind of mad at Howard to do the roast. They could also have Bill Maher there since he really seems to hate Howard these days.

• Cabbie Prison Update. 08/16/05. 6:30am
  Howard said that he got a call from Cabbie last night but he wasn't home when the call came in. Gary said he spoke to Cabbie for about 10 minutes yesterday himself. He said he's doing fine so far. Cabbie told him that the guys in prison are all fans of Howard's. Howard said that he got a letter from Cabbie who wrote him a really long letter that looked like it came from prison. There was a paragraph of stuff he could read on air and stuff he couldn't read on air. Gary said that Cabbie told him that his funds were running low and he figured that Cabbie wanted him to give him some money but he didn't even ask how he could go about doing that. Howard said the letter also talked about his money problems and how people can add funds. He wasn't sure he wanted to mention that on the air though so he wrapped up and took a break.

• Beetlejuice Songs. 08/16/05. 6:45am
  After the break Howard was playing one of Sal the Stockbroker's ''Baba Booey'' song parodies. He thought it was a beautiful song. He also said that Gary is on TrimSpa now and even his lips are looking thinner these days.

  Howard played the new Beetlejuice song that the tiny headed dwarf came up with. He said he's thinking of sending the song to Leslie West to add some guitar to. Here's how the song goes...
  Beetle
  I don't know cause I look good
  But I feel like get laid
  Beetle
  I don't know cause I look good
  Beetle know what he get when he wants
  Beetle know what he get when he wants
  Beetle know what he get when he wants
  Beetle know what he get when he wants
  I look like a kango but livin on a hango
  I look like a kango cause I look like a gigalo
  

  Howard also played the original Beetlejuice Song that they put together before Staind performed it. Howard said he thinks he likes the new song even better. Richard Christy came in and said that Beet is like a real rock star because he won't work with you unless he's stoned. He was wasted last week when he came in so he was working with them. Richard said they have some other songs they want to work with him on too. Howard told Richard he thinks they have another smash hit on their hands. Howard said one of the guys, Benjy, had a great idea for a video for Beetlejuice. He pictures thousands of Beetlejuices swimming around on the screen at the same time. Howard thought it was a pretty good anthem for Beetlejuice. Richard said they have a country song in the works and that should be coming out soon. Howard called Beetlejuice ''Beetle Jovi.'' Howard mentioned that Jon Bon Jovi will be coming in soon to perform some Beatles songs but not the Beetlejuice Song. Howard had to take a break after that but he had Fred play Staind's version of The Beetlejuice Song as they went to commercial.

• Jessica Canseco's Playboy Layout. 08/16/05. 7:10am
  Howard came back from break and mentioned that Willie Nelson will be in tomorrow. He said that Jessica Canseco will be coming in later this morning. He spent a minute talking about her and how pumped up she looks in Playboy. He thought she looked kind of ''juiced'' up to him. He said she sounds like she might be a good interview. He saw her on an entertainment show the other night and she was talking about how she brought another woman into the bed with Jose when she was trying to save their marriage. Howard said that some chicks can work out too much and that may be what's going on with this chick. Robin saw the pictures a minute later and was surprised at how muscular she was. She said that's not what you want to see in Playboy. Howard said they'll find out more about her a little later. Will came in and said that she's the one who claims that she was abused by Jose when they were married. Robin was asking about that but Howard wasn't sure. Howard talked about the old days with Sam Kinison and how he used to tell him he was luck to be so good looking and having all of his hair. Howard said he knew Sam was in bad shape if he thought he was good looking.

• Jeff The Drunk Visit: DENIED! 08/16/05. 7:20am
  Howard said he found an old tape of Courtney Love leaving a message for someone who just happened to have a last name close to Howard's since she wasn't able to get a hold of Howard himself. She left her phone number, names she was using when she was staying in a hotel and all kinds of other information. Howard also played a prank call they made using that tape. He said they never played the prank call on the air.

  Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if he could come down tomorrow to hang out with Willie Nelson. Howard thought about it for a second and told him he would let him come down but he's such a pain in the ass that he decided not to. He talked about the last time that Jeff was in and how hard it was to get rid of him because he was so drunk. Howard said Ronnie the Limo Driver was out of his mind with him that time. He was refusing to leave. Gary came in and said that the last time he was there, he wasn't even invited there. He showed up, cried about not being allowed on and they let him in. Jeff was complaining that they had invited him down early that week and then told him not to come but he decided to come anyway. Jeff ended up hanging up on them because he was so pissed. Artie said he'll probably call back. Fred played Jeff's karaoke version of Willie Nelson's ''You Were Always on My Mind.'' Howard talked about how baked Willie gets when he comes on the show and then took a phone call.

• Blue Iris Calls In. 08/16/05. 7:25am
  Howard took a call from Blue Iris the old lady porn chick. He talked to her about the porn movies and asked her how she got involved in it. She said the porn company called her and asked her to get into it. Howard said he found out that she's only 58 years old but no one believed it. Howard said he thinks she's got to be older than that. She said she was born in 1947. He asked her if she was ever in a mental institution or anything. She said she wasn't but she is bi-polar. Fred played some of her porn clips. Richard Christy told Howard that she did a movie one time where she stopped in the middle to ask for her money before she'd go on with the scene. She didn't seem to remember that happening but Richard saw it. Fred played some more of her audio clips so the guys listened to those.

  Gary read some notes about her and found that she was in a mental institution and had 18 shock treatments. She claims that she fought for the rights of mental patients and got a law passed that says a single doctor can't put you in a mental institution. Blue was rambling on and on about what she fought for and what goes on when patients are admitted these days. They played more of her disturbing audio clips and had some fun with those. Blue was telling the guys that she's been working on this movie The Ding Dong Show (TheDingDongShow.com) that she plugged about 10 times in her short phone call. Whenever they'd ask her questions, she'd get in a plug for that movie. Howard eventually wrapped it up with her and had to hang up on her because she kept rambling.

  Jeff the Drunk called back and apologized for his earlier call. Howard was thinking about what would happen if they let Jeff come in. He knew it would turn into a nightmare but he told Jeff he'd think about it. He said it could go horribly wrong if they let him in.

• Reggie Craps In Public. 08/16/05. 7:35am
  Howard took a call from a guy Reggie who gets off defecating in public. He said he does it in grocery stores and places like that. Reggie said he doesn't get sexually excited, he just enjoys doing it. Reggie said he found out about it after he got caught shoplifting. He wanted to find something else to do instead of that so that's when he started crapping wherever he can. Reggie said he will do it up to twice a day and he'll do it in clothes changing booths and new car dealers. He said he's done it on the top of the hoods of cars and stuff like that. He told Howard he hasn't been arrested for doing it yet. Robin asked him what state he lives in. The guy said he's in Louisiana so Robin was relieved that it wasn't there in New York. The guy says that he's married with three kids and has a couple of jobs. The kids don't know what he does but Howard said that maybe it's time to let the 13 year old in on his secret. Reggie said that he thinks there are other people out there who like to do the same thing. He said there are web sites dedicated to it. The interview was going along okay for a couple of minutes without delay hits but they eventually started hitting the button on a lot of what Howard and the caller were talking about.

  Howard told the guy that it was pretty nutty to do stuff like that. Another caller said that Howard has to get this guy off the air and he should be locked up and put in jail forever. Another guy asked Reggie if he would get upset if someone else crapped on the hood of his car. Reggie said he wouldn't care. He knows his wife doesn't like it because he did crap in his own house like that one time. Reggie said the best time was when he went to a department store and dropped a load off there and then went shopping. Howard wrapped up a short time later and took a call from a woman who said that their conversation was chopped up quite a bit so she couldn't follow what was going on. She was also asking Howard to put out a CD with the great musical performances from the show and offer to donate the money to charities. Howard said they don't donate money to any charities... but he's thinking about putting up the Staind Beetlejuice song up on his web site in Vagina Corner so people can download it.

  A listener told Howard that they're going to bring Braniac 5 to the TV show ''Smallville'' next season. Howard said he knew about that already and he's looking forward to that. He told Robin about the character and said that the guy who played Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer will be playing the part. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Superman and some other characters. They were also talking about how this Superman on Smallville still doesn't fly. Howard said he's like the dumbest Superman ever. Howard had to take a break after that.

• Theme Restaurant Discussions. 08/16/05. 8:05am
  After the commercials Howard said that Gary told him a story about taking his kids over to a Jekyll and Hyde restaurant for lunch and the place was really eerie. The waiters act like dracula and other characters that have nothing to do with Jekyll and Hyde. Gary said he tells his kids stories about them so they know who they are. He said he can't always remember the stories so he just makes it up as he goes along. He does that for his youngest son. He's actually used story lines from Bugs Bunny episodes to fill in the blanks. Howard ended up talking about how they talked to KITT from Knight Rider when they were out in California one time and ended up calling the car a ''fag'' and some other names. Gary told Howard about how he was charged an ''entertainment tax'' at the Jekyll and Hyde restaurant. It was a $2.50 charge and they do these little shows all through their lunch. Howard wondered if anyone thought that Gary was a scary monster at the restaurant. He said that didn't happen. He said he really doesn't like those theme restaurants. Artie feels bad for the waiters who have to pretend to be excited about other people's birthdays. Howard said that the only themed restaurant that he likes is Scores. He talked about that for a short time and how great it is that the chicks there come up to him and give him lap dances. He said he has to pay an entertainment tax there but he doesn't mind.

  Howard talked about this story that's been in the news lately about a priest who allegedly banged a hot chick. The guys talked about the details of that story and questioned some of the stuff that this guy was up to. They were wondering how the priest could afford to go places that he's been going. The guy hasn't admitted to anything yet so it hasn't been proven yet. Howard figured that the church is going to sweep this under the carpet like they do with every other priest problem they have. Gary interrupted and told Howard that Jessica Canseco was there and she looked good in person. He said her face was pretty and she didn't look ''bulky'' as Robin put it. Artie said he saw her down at Mangia when he was picking up some food earlier. He said she was pretty hot looking. Gary said he goes down there for lunch sometimes and every chick that works there is really hot. He said they don't speak very good English and the woman who took his money yesterday was one of the prettiest women he's ever seen.

  Howard told a story about going out to eat one time and seeing a really hot black chick from one of those Entertainment Tonight-like shows. Howard said he thinks he may have been able to score with her but he had his kids with him. He also found out later that she was a religious chick and she may not have been that easy to get.

• Crazy Susan Calls In. 08/16/05. 8:20am
  Susan, a woman who calls in often, said that she sent a lunch box to Beth and wondered how she liked it. Howard said that Beth actually likes the box and has it in her closet. He said that Susan sends him all kinds of stuff but this lunch box she sent to Beth is actually getting used. He said he never really collects stuff but he saw a collection of old microphones and thought they were pretty cool. He has an old radio but that's about it. Gary said he knows what to get Howard now and figured he could get him some old microphones. Susan said that he could make a microphone lamp or something like that. He said that he would have thrown away that old lunch box if it was for him but since Beth liked it, she kept it. He let Susan go after that. Gary asked Howard if he's over the bone collecting. He said he unloaded that stuff already but he used to be really into collecting the bones. He would go down to a place where you could watch the maggots eating the flesh off the bones and then buy them. Robin said he was pretty hard core years ago and was into those ''Faces of Death'' movies and autopsy videos. Gary wondered if that's because of where he was at in his life. Howard wasn't sure and said that's possible. They also talked about a video they used to watch where some people beat a monkey to death and then cut open it's head to eat the brain.

• Jessica Canseco Visits. 08/16/05. 8:40am
  Howard came back from break and had the guys bring in Jose Canseco's ex-wife Jessica Canseco. Howard told Jessica that she didn't look too muscular in person. He talked to her about how guys eventually get sick of hot chicks for some reason and he can't figure it out. He said he's afraid of his own ''guyness'' and he's afraid he's going to screw it up with Beth because he's a guy. He said he's stupid with that friggin penis of his. Jessica said that Jose wants to get back together with her now but she's done with that because she went back to him three times already. Howard wondered if Jose is a little gay because he was enjoying putting on women's clothing on ''The Surreal Life'' a little too much. Jessica said she would puke if she ever saw Jose with another man. She's not into that. She also said that she's not into that huge muscular thing anymore and wouldn't go to a guy like that again. She said she was 19 when she met Jose and he knocked her up. She said she met Jose on her third day working at a Hooters restaurant.

  Howard brought up the Playboy layout she did and how she looks a little too muscular in those pictures. She said she was working out more then and now she's lost a few pounds. Gary came in and said that when Jose was on the show he asked Gary to see if they could help get Jessica into Playboy and it seemed like he was still into it. Gary thinks that he still likes her a lot and may have been trying to make that happen so he could get back together with her. Jessica said that Jose was a little too selfish in bed for her. Robin heard Jessica talking about Jose's testicles being really small because of the steroids. She said that his balls were pretty much gone but the steroids actually helped out his penis and made it more ''dense'' according to her. She said she eventually told Jose what she wanted in bed and he would do some stuff. She said it got better. Then she invited a friend of hers into bed to try and save the marriage. She's talking about that stuff in her book ''Juicy : Confessions of a Former Baseball Wife'' which is coming out September 6th. She said that Jose isn't giving her money but she's very comfortable now that Playboy paid her for the layout. She said they were very good to her.

  Jessica said that she's not going to have anymore kids. Howard told her she has to go out and party since she missed out on her 20s. She said that's true and she did miss out on those years. Howard asked Jessica about doing her man in Fenway Park when they were still together. She said that they found a spot in a locker room and did her in there. She said that she liked it but it was over pretty quick because they had to hurry. Something was said during that conversation that got the delay hit so we missed out on some of it. Howard also found out that she let Jose watch the baby being born and he said that's a bad idea. Guys think they want to see that but they have no idea what it's going to do to them. Howard cut to the conversation about Jessica bringing in one of her friends into bed with Jose. She said she doesn't think the chick was hotter than her but Jose did find her attractive. When that didn't help things out, the marriage was pretty much over. Jessica said she actually wanted to watch Jose with this woman and that's why she did it. They all went out to dinner that night and she was kind of planning it ahead of time but didn't tell either of them about the idea. They were all out with a couple of other hot friends and a couple of other guys. Jose was the one who led the women upstairs to their bedroom. Jessica said she was into it at the time and thought it was pretty amazing when she got up the next morning. She told Howard that she and her friend were kissing a little bit and she lifted up the friend's dress while Jose was laying on the bed. She helped take off her bra and touched her a little bit. Howard heard that and started moaning more and more as the story went on. Howard tried to get more details out of her but the delay hits were coming left and right so a lot of the conversation was cut out of the show. She said the whole thing was pretty damn hot. Neither of the women were really into other women, they were putting on a show for Jose. Robin wondered if she regrets going that far for him but Howard told her to ask those questions on her own TV show instead of his show.

  Jessica was telling Howard that she was on top of Jose for a little while and then Jose asked if she wanted him to do the other chick. She said she did so Jose got on top of her. She watched it all and it turned her on. He had been cheating on her for years and she wanted to see what he was up to. Gary came in at this point and told Howard that Tom had just warned them that they were ''almost out of delay'' and they had to stop the discussions because they might actually run out. Howard said this is the reason he can't continue working there. He has to get out of there and go over to the new place already. Gary apologized for giving Howard the news but they were close to cutting off the whole show. Howard asked Jessica to come back and visit them when they move to satellite.

  The guys asked Jessica about her fights with Jose and there were more delay hits. They couldn't even talk about the fights? Jessica was saying that some of the fights were her fault so she can't blame Jose for all of them. Howard said he couldn't believe that Tom had ruined this interview. He wanted to go even farther with it but Jessica told him to read it in her book. She said she has done some ''different'' stuff in her sex life but she wasn't saying what she was referring to. Howard also brought up how she had gotten back at Jose by sleeping with a football player by the name of Tony Gonzalez. She said that Jose did get pretty upset about that even though he cheated on her for years. Richard Christy came in and asked Jessica if she can flex her private parts. Howard thought that was bizarre and told him not to interrupt his interview with that nonsense. Jessica said the sex stuff she was referring to earlier was a threesome she had with a couple she met. She said she actually worked with the woman on a modeling job one time and they ended up going out for drinks and ended up hooking up later on. She said the guy was kind of a Jose Canseco-type but he had balls. She wasn't planning on sleeping with them that night but things just happened. She said she was pretty drunk and that's all it took. Howard was moaning again as he was thinking about that stuff. He asked her if she's able to get off easily multiple times. She said yes to that. Howard said he didn't think she was like that because she didn't come across as being that easy. Jessica said that the couple she was with actually went into a hot tub but she didn't have a bathing suit so she just went in dressed in panties. Howard started to get into details about the hot tub scene. Jessica said she's never really with the other woman, she's with the guy and likes to watch them doing each other. Howard said it sounds like a good story. She said that the session lasted about 3 hours so it was a bit more intense than the time she did it with Jose.

  Howard gave Jessica a few plugs for the Playboy layout and her book. Gary came in and read an item out of the magazine about a viral infection that Jose gave her while she was pregnant. It probably came from one of the women Jose was sleeping with at the time. Gary said that she was lucky she didn't get anything like HIV or anything like that. A phone caller asked to see some pictures of Jessica up on Howard's web site. Howard summoned Jason in to take some pictures and told him to get them up on the site immediately. He wrapped up with her a short time later.

• Jeff The Drunk Visit: ACCEPTED. 08/16/05. 9:35am
  Howard came back from break and said that Jessica turned out to be a great guest. He didn't know she was into threesomes. He said he knew that she was really hot because Artie had his hand in his lap. After that he talked about a picture that Gary had of himself sitting in this guy's Batmobile replica. He was down in Dallas hanging out with this DJ who has two of those Batmobiles and a Speed Racer replica Mach 5. The guy, Russ Martin, is an afternoon guy down there in Dallas and he has an 8,000 square foot house and all of these cars. Gary said that the guy has a really hot girlfriend as well.

  Howard had Jeff the Drunk on the phone again to give him his final answer about coming down to the studio tomorrow. He told Jeff that he's a huge pain in the ass and acts like a 4 year old when he shows up. He said that he would let Jeff come down if he agrees to not ask for money from them if he comes down. He also has to agree to leave the studio when they ask him to. He can't ask to stay around longer if they ask him to go. Howard told him he can't ask to hang out with Willie Nelson, he can't harass the interns and he can't harass Ronnie. Jeff said he'll dish out what he gets but then agreed that he wouldn't give him a hard time. Jeff said that he would even leave his cigarettes outside. Gary said he can't leave to go out for a smoke and disappear when he needs him. Howard told him he can't make in his pants and smell when he comes in. Jeff seemed to think he was kidding but he wasn't. Gary told him to ''pop the boil'' on his butt before he gets there. Howard ended up giving Jeff a $500 prize today even though they said they weren't going to give him any money. Gary told him that they are such enablers... Jeff was also entered into a contest where he could win a chance to fly on a red eye flight from California back to New York sometime. Artie said he might have to parachute out of the plane if that happens. Howard let Jeff go and spent a few more minutes talking about some various things like Britney Spears.

• Howard's First Lay, Robin, Visits. 08/16/05. 9:45am
  Howard had a couple of people sitting in this morning and one of them, Robin, was the first girl to ever have sex with him. He said the other guys donated some money to a charity to get the chance to come in with her. Artie seemed to be impressed with what Robin had when he was a kid. Robin told a few stories about Howard and what he wrote to her one time about how he was going to go home and kiss his pillow while pretending it was her. She also remembered him telling her that he was going to go off and become a huge radio star and be filthy rich some day. Howard remembered having to beg to have sex with her back when they were together. Howard said they may have had sex two times or so. He said it seemed like she wasn't into him that much and didn't want a relationship. Robin said she wants a relationship with him now. Howard said she told him that she didn't want to be his first because she didn't want to be swimming around in his head forever. Now Howard invites her to movie previews to impress her.

  Howard talked to Robin about her life now and how well that's going. She's doing just fine and gets to ride around in a limo herself. Howard said he knows that she wouldn't have traveled around the country with him when he was working in places like Hartford, Detroit and Washington DC. Gary said she had to have liked Howard quite a bit because she used to come and visit his parents. He also asked her to bring in some of the letters Howard sent to her when they were kids. She said she still has them so she could do that. Howard told the guys who were in there with Robin that he was getting her when he was only 16 years old. He wanted her to love him so much back then... but she was doing one of his friends behind his back. He said he tried to get back at her by sleeping with some of her friends, but she didn't care. Robin said she still remembers things that happened back then and remembers Howard's parents going to Israel. Howard said he may have made that up because he seems to remember being nervous about coming home while they were having sex. Howard wondered if she thinks about him when she pleasures herself these days. She said she doesn't do that with anyone and doesn't have to do it at all.

  Gary said that Robin is the only good looking girl that Howard dated but he hasn't met them all either. Howard said that there was one girl that was really hot back then but she didn't turn out so well. Howard said she just didn't age very well. Robin did age well from what Howard and Gary were saying.

  Howard talked to the 18 year old kids that were there with Robin and asked them if they're dating. Both of them are single right now but they know how had it is to get chicks. Howard said that once he got Robin, he was able to get another chick because he had some confidence built up. He got some ''stank on his hanglow'' and that gave him what he needed to get another chick just a couple of months later. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Robin and the guys before Robin (Quivers) started her news.

• A Couple Minutes With Debbie Schlussel. 08/16/05. 10:05am
  During Robin's news Howard mentioned that Debbie Schlussel had an article on her web site, DebbieDoesPolitics.com, that linked the late Peter Jennings to Al Queda. Debbie called in a few minutes later to explain what her article was about. She went on and on about how he was almost promoting the extremist group but Howard was zoning out and cut her off. Howard asked her to tell them who was worse, Peter Jennings or Jason Alexander. She said it was definitely Peter Jennings. She thought that he was living in the U.S. and sneering at us the whole time he was here. She said anyone who doesn't know that wasn't paying attention when he was here. Howard let her go a short time later and said that he had just as hard a time following her web site as he did following her on the phone. Robin got back to her news after that.

  A little later in the news one guy told Howard that he agrees with Debbie about Peter Jennings and he was very left wing. Another caller told Howard that she almost drove off the road while listening to Debbie rambling earlier and was glad when Howard got her off the phone.

• Artie Still Not Drinking. 08/16/05. 10:30am
  Artie had another meal to eat around 10:30 this morning and Howard said it appears that he's blowing up again. Artie has been eating instead of drinking booze since he's been sober for over 2 months now. Howard asked him how he's going to make it through the wedding they're going to this weekend. Artie said he's going to try and make it through without having a drink. Howard said he's going to get ripped before the wedding and they may have to wheel him down the aisle in a wheel chair. Artie said that he'll be eating a ton at the wedding since he won't be drinking. Howard told him that he always laughs through weddings and he laughed so hard at Gary's wedding that they had to ask him to leave. He said it was like a troll getting married to a model. Gary came in and said that he remembers how scared he was at that wedding because they had planned to pull so many jokes on him there. They didn't do everything they said they were going to do and behaved themselves for the most part.

  Gary thought that it was going to be interesting to watch Cindy Crawford at this wedding they're going to but Artie not drinking is the thing to watch. Artie said that he may get a Jack and Coke and just say that it's just a Coke. Gary wondered what time period it will be when Artie gives up trying not to drink. There isn't a set time but he's still on Paxil and shouldn't be drinking. Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 10:40am.

• FCC Fines And Show Censoring. 08/17/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: ''The Knob'' commercial parody, Red Peters ''I Wanna Polka'' song, Three Doors Down performing ''Kryptonite'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the morning talking about how cold it was in the studio this morning. He was a little grumpy because he didn't have any breakfast there this morning. Will told him that the deli he gets his breakfast from was closed this morning. Artie wondered why it was closed and asked if it was some crazy holiday they didn't know about or something. Howard complained about another place where their eggs are greasy and that's why he doesn't want anything from there. He said the place he goes tastes better and doesn't have the greasy mess that the other place does. He'd like to be able to cook his own breakfast in the studio so Robin said they could probably do that by getting him a hot plate.

  Howard said he was listening to a bit they did with Gilbert Gottfried and Wendy the Retard having phone sex. He said they bleep it so much you can't understand what they're saying sometimes. He can't wait to get out of there and go to SIRIUS. He was over at the new place yesterday for a 4-5 hour meeting. He said that he was talking to Mel (Karmazin) and Scott Greenstein and talking about business. Howard said that Scott was kind of crazy over there running around thinking about everything they need to do. Howard likes that though and he's one of the reasons he signed on with them. Howard said he heard that the FCC is supposedly coming down with another fine for them and that's going to be coming down soon. He talked about how he really doesn't care because they're still not fining him personally and by the time that happens, they'll be gone. The FCC has a new ''indecency'' advisor who is probably going to make things even worse.

  Howard played the phone sex call between Wendy the Retard and Gilbert Gottfried and listened to the bleeps that they put in there. He said he knows that what they were saying was not dirty but the company is so paranoid that they bleep it anyway. Gilbert was doing his Dracula impression and talking to Wendy about what he wanted to do to her.

• Ross' Wedding Discussions. 08/17/05. 6:15am
  Howard said he had to try on his new Tux for the wedding he's going to this weekend. He had an old one that was out of date so he couldn't wear it. Artie said he had a tux that he must have purchased years ago because he didn't fit into it. Now he's going to rent one from a place where he just has to send in his measurements. Artie was thinking that he'd be wearing a cumber bun but Howard told him that he shouldn't. Then he thought about it and told him to go ahead and wear it. Robin told him not to because Howard just wanted to make fun of him. This will be the first time Artie has gone to a big social event like this since he stopped drinking. He said that Dana will be there to help him try and keep from drinking but it's going to be tough. Artie will have his shrink's cell phone number just in case he needs to call him to help him out during the wedding.

  Gary came in and said that Ross found out about something that was going on around his wedding. Benjy and Fred weren't invited to the wedding but Artie was, even though he hasn't known Ross as long as Fred has. Fred said he was actually thankful because he won't be stuck in the city this weekend. Howard said they got a letter from Ross' cousin who will be going to the wedding. The cousin said that he has been listening for many years and he's a big fan so this is his big chance to see the whole crew from the show in one place. He said he's been waiting for Ross to get married for years just for that reason. The cousin doesn't want to be annoying and he won't be shaking Howard's hand or anything like that. He was wondering what would be acceptable as far as talking to them and taking pictures. The guy wondered if he could call in and discuss it with Howard on the air. He was also saying that he loves it when Howard talks about Ross on the air because the family tells Ross about it and Ross ends up getting upset. Gary said that last night he got a couple of calls from Ross and he was really upset about what was going on and he knew about this letter being sent. Howard said that some of Ross' family might pay attention to him but it's basically going to be all about him.

  Tom came in and said that when they had his son's wedding party, they specified ''no cameras' just for the same reason. They didn't want people taking pictures and bothering Howard and the guys. Howard was thinking of calling the guy and telling him about what he can and can't do. Cindy Crawford is going to be at the wedding too so Howard was hoping that she'd take some of the attention away from her. Gary figures that if someone like Artie agrees to let people take pictures, that will lead to people thinking that everyone is open to it. If Cindy Crawford ends up letting people take pictures of her, then he'll look like a dick if he doesn't let people take pictures of him. Artie said that he had people taking pictures of him at Tom's son's party but it was at the end of the party.

  Gary wanted to get Ross on the phone so they could hear how angry he was. Howard told him to go ahead and get him on the phone and to get the cousin on the phone as well. Artie said that he thinks people would be on their best behavior at this wedding but Robin told him they won't. Artie said that he may be the only guy to remember what goes on at this wedding because he won't be drinking. He'll be overdosing on Coca Cola instead of Jack Daniels. Howard was wondering what the food was going to be like at this wedding. Artie thinks it'll be good but Howard said he's been burned at a lot of weddings. The only one he said was great was Gary's.

  Ross was on the phone so Howard talked to him about that. He said that all of his relatives can't wait to get a hold of him. Ross apologized to him and said he really didn't want to deal with this. It turns out they had the cousin on the phone and he refused to come on the air because his family was really coming down on him. Ross said that the best thing for people to do is to elope and not make a big deal about this. Howard wondered how Ross found out about the cousin's e-mail. Ross said that his family have big mouths and someone let him know about it. Ross said this wedding is supposed to be about he and his wife-to-be, not about other people who are coming to the wedding. The cousin who wrote the letter to them is like 34 years old but Howard thought he was maybe 18 or 19. He went on to read the letter to Ross who didn't want to hear it. Ross continued to talk about how mad he got at this guy and how they still didn't understand why he was so upset even after he went off on them for a while. Howard said it's really not a big deal and he'd be willing to take pictures with his family if he wants. Ross said that if his family is listening, they should leave their cameras home.

  Irish John called in and suggested that Ross have a big, cardboard cut out of Howard and the crew that his family could take pictures with. The guys brought up how Fred wasn't invited to the wedding so Fred said ''That's okay, I'll be at the divorce party.'' Howard said that he has an idea of what he's giving as a gift. Gary said he decided on $500 and Robin said she'd be giving $1000. Howard told her that she was setting the bar too high and she really doesn't know them that well. Since she was giving so much, that meant that Howard had to give even more. He asked Robin if she even knows Melissa's(Ross' fiancee) last name. She didn't know. She doesn't know how many siblings Melissa has either but she said that doesn't mean she doesn't know her. Howard figures that he has to give $1,500 now that Robin is giving a grand. He thought that a thousand was plenty. Artie said after he rents his tux, Ross will probably owe him ten bucks. Howard let Ross go a short time after that. He told Gary to do him a favor and introduce Robin to Melissa at the wedding. He went to break after that.

• Sal's Latest Prank Call. 08/17/05. 6:55am
  After the break Howard played a call Sal the Stockbroker made to a guy who sent them a letter asking Howard to make an appearance. Sal told the guy that Howard and the crew make personal appearances that most people don't know about. Howard charges $65,000 for a 30 second appearance. The guy turned that down. Sal told him about Robin who is down to $50,000 for an appearance. Fred's appearance, 20 minutes long, would run $45,000. Artie Lange would make a 10 minute appearance and he would charge $40,000. Gary Dell'Abate's 45 minute appearance is only $20,000. Sal goes on and on and on giving the guy a run down of others but Howard cut it off. Howard said those prices are a bit high for everyone but him. The guy was trying to throw a party for his wife and wanted to get someone from the show to appear. Howard played more of the call and Sal gives the guy Benjy's price for a 2 hour appearance. He's only $1,400 and the guy still said ''no.'' Sal gave the guy prices for himself and Richard and then Will and Jason and then Scott the Engineer. Sal came in and said that Scott's price was only $200 and he'd do the deejaying for free. Howard had Gary fast forward the CD for him so he could hear the Scott thing. Sal tells the guy the price and all of the other stuff that he'd get and the guy still turned it down. He said it was a bargain but he was still turning it down. Scott came in and asked how the guy could turn that down. Howard said the guy was afraid that he would drain the life out of the party, that's why.

  Howard said he heard that Scott's son's band, Vertigo Blue, broke up. Scott said that's true, the band is pretty much done for now. Two of the guys are going away to college. He said his son is still writing songs and stuff though. Howard figured that Scott saw dollar signs in his eyes and was looking forward to them hitting it big. Now it's not happening. He and Fred goofed on Scott a little bit doing their impressions of him as he talked about the band. Howard also asked Scott if it's true that he's using a shampoo for bald people. Scott said that they had a guy up there who was going to advertise and he's been trying out this stuff by Bald Guyz. He's been trying the shampoo and ''head wipes'' that are some kind of conditioner for your skin. Artie said something about them being called ''loser wipes.''

• Howard's First SIRIUS Show - A Roast. 08/17/05. 7:10am
  Howard changed subjects and said that the guy Constantine from American Idol is on a tribute album to Queen (Killer Queen: A Tribute to Queen) and he doesn't know why anyone would buy this album. He had a clip from the album so he played it and goofed on it. He wondered why anyone would buy a tribute album to Queen when you could just buy the real thing. The song was almost a direct copy of the original Queen song. Gary said the original premise of albums like this was for bands to interpret songs, not to copy them exactly. Howard said that he doesn't get this chick Joss Stone who is also on the album. Some people say she has a lot of ''soul'' but she really doesn't have any according to the guys. Howard played a clip of her song and asked Gary if she's ever had a hit song. Gary said she hasn't had one and no one was surprised. Robin sounded angry that she was getting so much attention and said ''Go away Joss Stone.''

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked him if he saw the Pam Anderson Roast on Comedy Central. Howard said he did see it and he thought it was really funny. He was thinking of having people come in to roast him before he leaves terrestrial radio but now he's thinking of waiting until he goes to satellite to do it because they'd bleep it too much on this show. Howard wants to have people like Kathie Lee, Cher, Rosie O'Donnell, Andrew Dice Clay and a bunch of other people who dislike him come in and roast him. He said they'd also have other people who like him come in as well. They were talking about Lisa Lampanelli and how she slept with Joey Boots. That led to Howard asking where Joey was because he hasn't been around much. Gary said that he's still e-mailing them and sending stuff to them so he's still around. Sal came in and asked Howard what ended up happening with Andrew 'Dice' Clay that made him hate him so much. Howard thought that Dice self destructed toward the end of their relationship. Howard said he was really friendly with the guy for a long time but he eventually started doing some weird stuff. He went house shopping with the guy one time and he was running around the houses like a wacko and he didn't like that. Dice was on the show one day and he wasn't being all that funny. Howard and Jackie used to try to liven things up by getting into arguments with him and stuff like that. Then Dice came in one day and things were going wrong and they told him that. Howard said he owes it to his audience to put on who he thinks is funny. After that Dice went and did an interview with a newspaper and blamed Howard for his failure. He thought Howard was a bad host and a bad interviewer when it was actually Dice's fault for not being prepared. Howard didn't think it should be that hard to interview a guest. Gary said that everyone on the show knew that the interview didn't go well and after Dice did the interview with the newspaper, he figured it was time to end their relationship. He didn't know why he was busting his balls to be loyal to a guy when he's not going to be loyal to him. Sal said there's a rumor going around about how Dice claims that he had a conversation with Howard about Ryan White because he didn't like the way Howard talked about him on the air. Howard said that's not true and he never had that conversation.

  Howard got back to the roast discussion and said they'll probably do it on January 9th when they start over at SIRIUS next year. He said they would have no interruptions. They wouldn't have any commercial break, they'd just let the comedians come in and roast him for 4 or 5 hours. They're thinking about doing it from a big hall and to bring in a big audience to watch. It would be like the old days when the Friars Club would roast people without cameras. Gary wondered if Howard could take it for that long. Howard said he knows the jokes will be about his nose, his adam's apple, his dating a younger woman and stuff like that. Howard said they'll also be roasting each other on the show. Artie said it would be great if they had those people who really hate him come to the show as well. Gary said they need people like Charles Grodin to come on that roast. Jackie's name was also brought up too. Gary wondered if Jay Leno would have it in him to roast him. Artie said he's not the roasting type. Pat Cooper hates Howard now and he'd tear Howard apart so that's what Howard wants. Gary wondered if Howard really wanted to do that because Pat would go off on him about being a bad parent. Howard said he could turn right around and talk about what a bad parent Pat is. Howard was even willing to let Imus and Mancow show up to roast him. Anyone who wants to roast him is welcome. Mark and Brian, Farid Suleman, anyone who wants to. Other names that were mentioned were Star Jones, Ellen Degeneres, Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, Bill Cosby, Harvey Firestein, and Gloria Steinham. Howard had to go to break after that.

• Gary's Son Unknowingly Goofs On Him. 08/17/05. 7:45am
  Howard came back from break and took a call from a guy who said he was watching C-Span the other day and went on and on about the coverage of Palestine but Howard wasn't interested so he hung up on him. He had Sal bring in some of the prank calls they've made to C-Span lately. The first one was clips of George Takei that they played as a caller to the channel. Howard said they have a really odd tape that they made using Gary's son Lucas who was there visiting this week. They had him go into the recording studio to re-record the Baba Booey Star Wars theme song parody. Gary said that his son doesn't know that he's making fun of him, he thinks that they're honoring him by singing those songs. Howard said Gary has a good sense of humor about it but it was kind of weird that Jason ran him down to record it.

• Various News Stories. 08/17/05. 7:50am
  Howard read a story about how Madonna was thrown off a horse and broke some bones. He said he doesn't usually like to see people hurt but he wasn't all that upset about this. He read the article that said she was thrown off the horse at her English Country estate. She said again that he hates to see people hurt but she is trying to be someone that she's not. Howard changed subjects and said that Joey Buttafuoco was released from jail again after he violated his probation. He was quoted as saying that jail out there in Los Angeles is kind of crazy. The cops apparently found 30 shotgun shells in his house last week and arrested him. Joey apparently forgot that he had them in the house.

  Howard took a phone call after that and said that he works down near the prison where Cabbie is at and he heard from a couple of guys who work there that Cabbie has been acting like a real a-hole in there. They said he hasn't gotten into trouble yet but it's just a matter of time before he does. The caller also said that he's making about 4 cents an hour working a job in there. It costs him 23 cents a minute for making phone calls though. Howard got a call from him the other day but he just left a message for him. He thinks he was just asking him to send people to his web site FreeCabbie.com.

• Baking Howard's Tapes. 08/17/05. 7:55am
  Howard asked Gary if he read anything about the FCC fines that are in the works. He said he read the same thing that Howard did and it'll be like a big F-you from the FCC as they're leaving. Howard said that they're bleeping everything on the show. They even bleeped Jessica Canseco saying ''another girl took off my bra.'' Howard said that when they move over to SIRIUS they're going to be replaying his show on channel 101 for the west coast so they'll be able to hear it at the right time out there. He said that people here on the east coast will be able to listen to the West coast feed later in the morning so they'll be able to listen at lunch time if they want.

  The phone caller Howard had on the line wanted to play a game for money so Howard played some Crackhead Bob clips and had him try and decipher what he said. The guy knew what he said and told Howard that he's been listening for years and remembered the old days when Robin had her foot licked by Darren the Foot Licker and the days when Billy West would come in and do the news for an hour. Howard put the guy on hold and said they can't play those old tapes because they would have to bleep them so much. Gary was saying that he's been pulling some old clips for Best of Stern and they're great but they have to censor some stuff out. That led to the guys talking about getting Dennis Miller on the Roast over at SIRIUS.

  Gary was also saying that the old tapes they have need to be baked because the tape was so crappy that they fall apart after a few years. 3M made the tapes and they were going to bake them for them but Howard didn't want to do that. Gary said that they had 4 ovens at one time but now they only have 2 again since they loaned out two of them to another station. Howard ended up getting really upset because he thought they were baking tapes every day and that's what he wanted. Gary said that Louis was in charge of doing that and Tom may have other things for him to do. Tom came in and said that Louis is an employee of his so it's not Howard who tells him what to do. Gary said that they hired him just for their show though. Louis said that he hasn't been baking tapes on a regular basis for the past year or so. Howard couldn't believe that and told him to get back to baking the tapes for his show, he doesn't care about Best of Stern anymore, he just wants those tapes to be baked before they're lost. Howard told him to call him if he has a problem with that but Tom asked who he's supposed to call if he wants a raise. Louis said that he never gets a raise.

  Gary told Howard that after the conversation ends, Tom is going to grab Louis and tell him to do what he says. Howard told Louis to just give him a call after that and to listen to what he has to say, not what Tom has to say. Louis told Howard that it takes about 6 hours to bake each reel and 5 hours to cool down. Then they have to transfer reels in real time so they take about an hour and 10 minutes each. That means that every reel takes about 12 hours to do. Louis also told Howard that if they let tapes sit around for 2 weeks or more, they have to be baked again because the emulsion starts to build up on them again. They can't bake a ton of tapes and let them sit around before they transfer them. Howard said that the suits around the station don't know what they're talking about so Louis is to do what he says, not what the suits say. Howard asked Louis what was more important to him, his own life, Best of or getting those tapes baked. Louis said that it's baking the tapes. Robin wondered how this went on for a full year. Gary said it didn't, he went to Tom a few times about the problem and they should have had them done by now. Howard was fuming and yelling at Gary. He wouldn't let him finish what he was saying about what went wrong. Howard then demoted Gary to 'Assistant Producer' and made Louis the Producer of his show. He told Louis to go move his stuff into his new office. Gary said that Louis' office is already bigger than his.

  Louis said that they need some Best of Stern baked so he wondered what he should do there. Gary said he had the answer, he said that Louis should bake the tapes but not be part of the editing process. Howard said that was a good answer. He wants Louis to be in charge of baking the tapes and now he wants Louis to buy a chef's hat and apron so he will constantly be reminded about what he's supposed to be doing. Robin was asking why those tapes aren't done yet. Gary claims that 98 percent of the job is done with the baking of the tapes. He claims that he's been on the job but Howard said he hasn't so that's why he's lost his position of Producer. Sal was in Gary's office and making fun of Gary losing his position. Tom said that he wanted to apologize to Gary for suggesting that they hire Sal. Gary said he likes Sal, he thinks he's funny. He thought that Tom was going to apologize to him for the tape baking thing. Tom said he didn't have to apologize for that. Howard went nuts again when Gary reminded him about the 2 ovens that were given away to another radio station. It turns out the convection ovens they use are $39.99 ovens. Howard thought they were big ovens but they're little ones that you put on a counter top. Howard pulled out his wallet and gave Gary some money to go out and buy some. He gave Gary a thousand bucks. Gary said he had enough to buy a bunch of ovens and to hire someone else to help transfer the tapes. Howard ended up giving Louis a $500 prize courtesy of the DVD release of ''Sin City.'' He went to break after that.

• Willie Nelson Visits. 08/17/05. 8:40am
  Howard came back from break and brought in Willie Nelson (WillieNelson.com). He said when he thinks about country music he thinks of Willie because he's the only country guy he likes. Robin told him that there were some good Johnny Cash songs but Howard didn't agree with her. He told Willie that he actually got married to one of his songs. Fred played the song that Howard got married to and it gave Howard goose bumps. He talked to Willie about some of his other great songs, that he didn't actually write himself. Howard asked Willie if he smoked any weed before he came in. Of course he did. He smokes every morning, every night and every day in between. Howard said he'd like to smoke with Willie but he gets mental when he smokes that stuff. Robin asked him if he thinks it's gotten stronger over the years. Willie said that it has gotten stronger these days. He doesn't have to buy it though, people just give it to him. Artie said he'd like to smoke some weed with Willie too but no one was listening to him.

  Willie said that he's still married and his two sons are playing in his band and traveling with him. His wife travels with him as well so his wild days are pretty much over. Howard remembered hearing a story about Willie's wife sewing him up in a sheet and beating him after he passed out. He told that story over again and then Howard told him about Crazy Cabbie being put in jail for not paying his taxes. He said that Willie didn't pay taxes for a little while and he never had to do any jail time. Willie said he was trying to pay his taxes and his accountant advised him not to do that so he ended up getting into trouble over that. It cost him a lot of money. He also told Howard about how he had a similar problem with his old tapes like Howard did with his. He said he stored them for years and then had to bake them just like Howard's guys have to do.

  Howard asked Willie about the Dukes of Hazzard movie and working with Jessica Simpson. He wondered if Jessica is as dumb as a wall. Willie wouldn't say that was true but he did say that it took him two days to get up to see her beautiful eyes. He was busy looking at other parts of her body. Willie said he had a great time making the movie with Johnny Knoxville and Burt Reynolds. He wouldn't say if they smoked weed together though. Gary came in and told Howard that they had a satellite problem and their show was ESPN radio for about four minutes but they were back at that point. That meant that the audience in some markets didn't hear the weed discussion.

  Howard asked Willie about Burt Reynolds and what he thinks about the plastic surgery and the toupee he wears. Howard thinks that a guy would forget about the way he looks at some point and stop trying to look pretty. Willie wouldn't bad mouth anyone. Howard gave him a plug for the Farm Aid concert he's doing on September 18th and brought up the ''We Are the World'' thing he did with Michael Jackson years ago. Willie said that was the first and last time he met Michael and he doesn't stay in touch with him. Howard got back to the Dukes of Hazzard discussion and talked more about Jessica Simpson's skimpy outfit on the set of the movie. They also talked about where Willie is living these days. He said he has a house in Maui and one in Texas but he's been living on the bus for a while now since he's on tour. Howard talked about going to Maui one time and had a photographer snapping pictures of him out there so he got his ass out of there.

  Gary came in and gave Howard another update on the satellite problem. They went from ESPN radio to Spanish radio but now they're back. He said that ABC apparently got hit with a computer virus yesterday and that's been causing problems all over the place, not just with them. Howard gave Willie a plug for his new album ''Countryman.'' Gary came back again but this time he had a question for Willie. He was wondering if Willie is still broke after the tax problems he had. Willie said he's still broke but that's because he throws away a lot of money. Howard took some phone calls for him after that and one guy asked Willie if he's afraid of the effects of smoking so much weed. Willie said that he still works out and runs around so he's not so worried about it. He said that he doesn't really have to smoke all that much because the stuff is so strong these days. Willie said that he's 74 years old now and there's no reason to stop smoking the stuff now. He thinks that the weed has kept him from killing people over the years and he has no reason to stop it. Willie said that a few weeks ago he had a virus so he couldn't sing, but he went ahead and sang anyway. He went to the doctor and he was told to rest his voice so that's exactly what he did. He wrote a new song about how he's not Superman and ended up singing some of the lyrics to Howard and the guys. Howard told him he should release that one. Irish John also called in and asked Willie if he had any famous chicks. Willie said he had Eva Gabor but he was just joking around and didn't want to talk about who he's slept with. Hook Nose Mike called in after that and said that Willie has to be one of the coolest guys in show business. He also wished that they had the E! show there to capture the two legends in the same studio together. Another guy called in and took a hit off a bong for Willie. Howard let a few other callers through. One guy wondered if Willie has any good stories about hanging out with Ray Charles. Willie said that he used to play chess with Ray Charles in a room with no lights on and Ray actually beat him.

  Howard had the guys bring in Jeff the Drunk who was there to meet him. Willie said he actually met Jeff a little earlier when he came in. Jeff came in drunk once again. Howard asked Willie how old he thought he looked and Willie guessed 35. He was close, Jeff is 37 years old. Artie figured he must look 19 if Jeff looks 35. Jeff said he wanted to sing a song with Willie but Howard had him explain to Willie what happened to his arm first. Jeff said he lost the use of his arm after a car accident back in 1986. Fred played some ''Always on my Mind'' music for Willie and Jeff to sing a duet to. Jeff sang the first part and then Willie came in and sang a little bit. Willie was laughing right along with everyone else in the studio as Jeff was singing. Jeff continued to sing the whole song and Willie said he'll never forget this duet. Howard told Jeff he'd better not ever hear him complain about anything ever again. Gary said that it's funny to see a one-armed drunk cue a guy who has recorded hundreds of songs in his career. Jeff told Howard he was going to leave as soon as they asked him to when he called in yesterday. He kept stalling and saying goodbye to everyone in there before he left. Jeff said he had about 12 beers and 2 doobies this morning before he came in. Jeff started to talk more but Howard told him to get out of there. Robin thought he was trying to make a point. He didn't have a point. Howard let him go and then wrapped up with Willie. Willie told Howard he has a new song called ''Cowboys are Frequently Secretly Fond of Each Other'' that's only available through iTunes. Howard went to break right after that.

• ''Red Eye'' Contest Controversy. 08/17/05. 9:25am
  Howard came back from break and took some phone calls from a couple of people. One guy said that Willie was great but Jeff the Drunk is getting a little crazy. Another caller told Howard that down in Washington DC they switched to a Spanish station when Howard and Willie were talking about weed. The woman was also asking Artie about how it's been being sober so far. Artie said that he's been sober for almost 70 days now and he's hanging in there. Another caller asked Howard for one of the ''Red Eye'' prizes that they had to give away. Howard gave him one and then talked about how this contest is going to work. One person is going to win a trip back from L.A. on a red eye flight with Artie but the listener doesn't have to sit next to him. Howard said that Tom doesn't really care about the listeners because he was telling Artie that he wouldn't have to sit next to the winner if he didn't want. Artie said that he will sit next to the winner though.

  Howard was going to talk about a news story he read about but Tom came in to defend himself about the ''Red Eye'' thing. He said it wasn't up to him to have the winner sit somewhere else in the flight. He said that it was the people who came up with the contest who came up with that idea to have them sit somewhere else on the plane. Howard said he thinks that Tom doesn't care about the listeners and Tom was still disagreeing. The joke wasn't funny and Artie was willing to fix it by sitting next to the winners. Howard also reminded Tom about the local ABC station coming after the station when they didn't deliver on a prize. Fred did his impression of Tom and said he had an idea for ''Dinner with Robin'' where the winner wouldn't even be in the same restaurant as her. He also joked about giving away a car with no engine in it. Artie said he's really risking a lot because it could be Jeff the Drunk who wins that contest. He could be stuck on a plane with him for 6 hours.

  Howard read this article about a couple that went to a restaurant on the Jersey Shore and they saw ''Jew Couple'' written on the bottom of their bill. They said something to the manager and he didn't think it was wrong because that's how they identified their table. The restaurant is still holding on to that defense and claim that's how they identify their customers. The restaurant is the Waterfront Grill in Allenhurst, New Jersey. Artie said that he's been there before and it's in a pretty ritzy area. They spent a few minutes talking about that and then moved on to Oksana.

• Russian Broadcaster Oksana Kehoe Visits. 08/17/05. 9:40am
  Howard had the guys bring in this Russian radio broadcaster, Oksana Kehoe. He said she had been there since about 6 this morning. She said that she used to have a radio show in Russia near Moscow. Now she's got one over here in New York. Howard told her that she has no business trying to be funny over here in the U.S. So she should stick to her job over there. Her grammer was all wrong so Howard was making fun of that by telling jokes that were grammatically incorrect. He asked her ''Why road cross chicken'' and things like that. He asked Oksana if she's getting any ratings with her radio show. She said she's not sure because they don't share that kind of information with her. Howard tried to audition her as an interviewer but she wasn't having much luck impressing Howard. She was doing everything wrong according to him.

  Oksana was telling Howard about a radio show she has over here on 88.3 in the Albany, New York area. She does it for people of Russian descent up there. She said there are about 15,000 people in the area that might listen to the show. Robin wondered if she does her show in English. She said she does. But she can barely speak english. Howard told her she has a long road ahead of her. He hadn't heard anything funny yet. Oksana told Howard she wanted to interview someone but do it on Howard's show. Howard wasn't going to let that happen of course. He ended up asking her about her weight and height. She's 5'10'' tall and weighs a mere 110 pounds. Howard told her she had a great body and a beautiful face. She was telling Howard about going up to some SIRIUS radio sponsored event and asked a bunch of people what they thought about Howard's upcoming move. She said they were happy about the move but she was also asking them if they would want to hear a Russian woman on the radio. They said they'd rather see naked chicks. That led to her taking off her top to show the guys what she had. Howard said they were small but perfect. He said he had no idea that she was going to take her clothes off for them. She asked that she be able to plug her web site before taking her top off. You can check that out at OksanaKehoe.com. Howard wanted to see her ass too but she wasn't willing to do that. Jason came in and said that they would link to her web site from their web site if she showed them her ass. She showed them her ass a few seconds later. Howard said he saw her ''vagine'' when she did that.

  Howard asked Oksana if she's ever done women before. She said that she loves doing that and finds other models to do it with. She said that her husband stays away from that but she's not sure why. She also said that she can get other students in her class to go with her. Howard took a phone call from a woman who said Oksana sounded like an idiot on the air and she was putting other Russian women to shame. Oksana got back to the lesbian talk and asked her if she talks about it on her radio show. She said she doesn't do that because Russians don't understand it. Howard asked her about what she does with the other women and found out she will sometimes clean them up in the shower for 30 minutes sometimes. She said she will also use her tongue on the other chicks and they do the same to her. Howard said he'd like to see his girlfriend with another chick but she won't do it. Oksana said that the last girl she had was a girl who she met when she had her body painted for a show she did. Howard kept asking her more about the lesbian stuff and told her that he was ''throbbing'' as she was telling the stories. The delay was eventually hit but it wasn't obvious as to why it was hit.

  A listener called in and asked if Russian girls take three inputs. Howard tried to find out but the delay was hit once again. Howard showed her what they were talking about and she said she loves it (anal) and that she was his dream girl. Howard gave her a plug for her web site and then wrapped up with her. She got in another plug for a web site called RussianSkunks.com. Howard tried to end the interview but she kept talking. She was trying to say something about bringing in some other Russian girls. She said you can meet them through the RussianSkunks web site. Howard cut her off and went to commercial break.

• And Finally... 08/17/05. 10:25am
  Howard had Robin start her news after the commercial break. They ended up talking about circumcision during the news after Robin read a story about the subject. Of course we missed out on a big chunk of the discussion when the delay was hit a couple of times. Sal is uncircumcised so he told a story about a one night stand he had and how the girl ran out of the apartment the next morning when she saw he wasn't circumcised. She didn't realize it the night before when they were in the middle of it. Richard was also saying something about his father being uncircumcised but that's around the time that one of the delay hits came. Howard had Robin finish up her news after that and ended the show around 11:05am.

• Jeff The Drunk And Willie Nelson Feedback. 08/18/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Jim Florentine and Don Jamieson Terrorizing Telemarketers prank call, ''Mr. T'' song parody, Stone Temple Pilots performing ''Vasoline'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show talking about the mail they got about Jeff the Drunk and Willie Nelson singing ''Always on my Mind.'' He said the best moment was when Jeff pointed to Willie to cue him on the part he was supposed to sing. He went on to play the song for everyone to hear again. Howard said the great thing about the song was when Willie and Jeff tried to duet together. He read some e-mail they got about the song and people thought it was pretty funny. Jeff wasn't the pain in the ass they expected him to be and he actually left when they wanted him to. Howard read a few other positive e-mails about Jeff and people thought he was pretty good on the show and want him back.

  Howard said that they put up some pictures of that Russian girl that was on the show yesterday and he thought she looked good even though Robin didn't think they did her justice. Howard read some other mail about Artie on the show and how he sounds like he just woke up when he talks sometimes. There was some mail about Sal and Richard and how they seem to be bi-sexual these days since they've been doing the gay stuff on the show. There were a bunch of people complaining about the Willie Nelson segment because in some markets they had some issues with their show feed and no one knows what was going on with that.

• Howard's Cable Show And FCC Discussions. 08/18/05. 6:10am
  Howard also talked about how the FCC is looking to fine them once again and he's thinking that they're going to get them one last time before they leave for satellite. He said they haven't fined them yet but they've requested tape to hear something they did. He said that he will probably go down in history as the most fined person ever if they do fine him and he's fine with that. He said that the next push is going to be for cable TV and that's one reason he's moving his TV show to In Demand. He said that they're going to shoot a new opening for the show and some commercials so he had a meeting with them about that yesterday. He also saw the menus that they're going to have for the channels and how they're going to work. You'll be able to sort by the type of show. He said there will be thousands of hours available and it'll all be uncensored. He said those will be past shows and then they'll have new channels where you'll be able to see stuff like special shoots of Artie, Robin or maybe Gary doing their daily stuff. He said that they could follow Artie around when he's shooting a movie or something like that and see in on In Demand eventually. There will be so much stuff that you'll be able to spend the rest of your life watching it. There will be a Green Room channel and things like that as well. Gary said he'd like to watch Robin riding her horses. Howard said he would have liked to have followed that Oksana chick around from yesterday's show.

  The FCC has already told basic cable to clean up their programming so Howard figured he'd have to go to a pay-service like In Demand. He said he was in talks with Cinemax and even they were afraid to take him on because of the FCC. They told him he's like a lightning rod for the FCC so that's why they're so afraid. Howard mentioned that the In Demand channels are going to be up in September and they'll start rolling the stuff out then. Gary talked about how the HBO-type channels all have sex stuff on them so he can't understand how the FCC could come after them for putting Howard's show on the air. Howard said that this direction is the only way he can go unless he retires. He said there won't be any commercials for the In Demand stuff but people will have to pay for it. He said that's the only way he can get it on the air and keep it on the air without being censored.

  Howard brought up David Lee Roth and said he's not sure what kind of show he's going to be putting on when he replaces him there in New York. Gary wondered what kind of money they're going to pay the guy. He thought that a million a year was way too much but Howard thinks he's way off and it's much higher than that. He said that there are a lot of radio people who are going to make a lot of money replacing him in many markets. Adam Carolla is also going to replace Howard so that led to the guys talking about Adam's TV show on Comedy Central. Howard said he heard that the people that call into the show are actually told what to ask Adam. Sal came in and told a story about calling the show trying to get on and how they told him they may have to change questions that they're supposed to ask. It's all staged. Kidd Chris knows a guy who called in and they had him ask a question that they wanted him to ask instead of letting them ask their own questions. Sal said that it sounds really canned to him. Robin said she thought the callers sounded pretty rehearsed to her as well. Howard is thinking about calling the show himself since no one ever writes anything for him.

  A phone caller asked when the new In Demand show is going to start. Howard said he's really not sure about the old shows (E! shows) but they may be rolling them out early. The new TV show will be starting when they move over to SIRIUS in January but he doesn't have specific dates for any of that. He said he has meetings about this stuff and there are contractual things that may delay things, he's not sure. The caller was also asking about the old E! shows that are still running on E! at 2 in the morning. Howard said it's kind of hypocritical because they're still running the shows even after they canceled the show because they were afraid of the FCC. He said it's time to take the show over to In Demand and he wishes they'd stop running them on their channel.

  A listener called in and said that he thinks that people won't be as interested in his radio show when he has all the freedom he'll have over at SIRIUS. Howard said he disagrees and said that he can't do anything outrageous on his current radio show anymore and when he moves, he'll have that freedom again. He told the caller about some of the stuff that was censored on the show recently and how ridiculous it is. He also said that he thinks that he's going to be battling the powers-that-be even when he goes over to the new place. The caller still thinks that people won't be as interested in the show because he will be able to do whatever he wants to do. Howard told the guy that people thought he wouldn't last 1 year in the business and he's still around. Howard let the guy go and had to take a break after that.

• Howard Reviews ''March Of The Penguins.'' 08/18/05. 6:45am
  Howard said he had a big night last night. He had a big meeting with the In Demand people and then Beth cooked dinner for him. He then watched the ''Rock Star: INXS'' show. He doesn't like the band INXS but he likes the drama of the competition. He said they keep enticing the contestants by telling them that they'll get to go on tour with the band but that just means that they'll be going into obscurity with INXS. He thinks it would have been a lot better if they were picking the lead singer for Van Halen or a band like that. Howard said there is some drama on the show and there's no way the black guy on the show is going to win. He said he seems to be singing show tunes, not rock songs. After that show Howard watched the movie ''March of the Penguins'' and thought it was great. He said Morgan Freeman is the narrator and the story about the penguins is amazing. It really moved him when he saw it. He described the life of the penguins and how tough they really have it. He was talking about how the penguins will fall down and the eggs of the babies will fall out and break, freezing the babies. He said he didn't think he'd be able to take watching the movie but it was really great. He was relating it to his own life. Tom Chiusano came in and talked about some of the stuff in the movie and how great it was. He said you really have to think about the people who shot the movie because they were out in some really horrible conditions to shoot it. Howard and Tom were going back and forth telling stories about he movie and what they learned about the penguins. It's amazing that they're still around to this day. Both Howard and Tom recommended that people go see the movie.

• Ralph Living The High Life And Jack Daniels Calls Artie. 08/18/05. 6:55am
  Howard said they got a lot of mail about them talking about Ross' wedding. A bunch of people don't want them talking about it anymore. He said that Ralph called Ross and told him he wasn't going to be able to make it to the wedding because he's still staying with Sam Simon out in Malibu. Sam is one of the creators of The Simpsons and he has more money and you can imagine and Ralph has been out there for a couple of weeks at his house just hanging out. Howard's friend Richie went out to visit him and saw Ralph and Sam walking around like a married couple. Artie said that Norm Macdonald did the Tonight Show the other day and Sam showed up with Ralph over there. Robin said she's kind of worried about the two of them and wondered if they're changing sides and going gay. Howard said he thinks Ralph might just stay out there and not come home. Gary said they're pretty sure that Ralph isn't gay but if he had to do some gay acts to live the life he's living right now, he probably would. Howard said he doesn't think Ralph is doing any sex acts... yet. He said he hopes they're happy.

  Howard said that they got a call from someone (Rev. Bob Levy) acting as ''Jack Daniels'' who was calling in to tell Artie that he misses him and he'll be there for him at Ross' wedding if he wants to catch up on some old times. Artie said that Jack has lied to him and made him think that he could beat up a bouncer one time.. .he was wrong, then he said that he could drive to White Castle at 4 in the morning and not get caught... He was wrong there as well. Howard had to take another break after that.

• Goofing On Sal The Stockbroker. 08/18/05. 7:10am
  Howard came back from break and said he was on this web site called DateMeNatalie.com where this kid is asking for one date with actress Natalie Portman. He just wants one meeting with her, he doesn't want to marry her or anything like that. Howard was in the middle of that and interrupted because Richard Christy was in the middle of pulling a prank on Sal the Stockbroker. Richard made Sal believe that he was invited to Ross' wedding and he was going nuts out in the hall. Howard was going to continue the joke by bringing Sal into the studio and make him think they were talking about why Richard was invited. Sal came in a minute later and said he knows Ross better than Richard does and he doesn't know why he'd be invited. Richard and Howard kept the joke going and had Sal thinking that Richard was going to be sitting at Howard's table. Sal asked why Ross would invite Richard and not him. He and Richard are almost a comedy team now and he can't imagine why he wouldn't be invited. Sal said he's working on Saturday night but he'd give up the job if he could go to the wedding. Howard said it wasn't up to him because it was Ross' wedding. Sal said he thinks he knows why Ross didn't invite him and said that it had to have been something he said about Ross when he first started there. He said this is a great way to get back at him because it really hurts. Howard told Richard that he might be able to play in the band at the wedding and they could do a Losers gig over there. Sal said this really hurts and he just wanted to be part of this family. He said he can't believe that Richard is going... Howard said he can't believe it either.

  Gary asked Sal if he would even care if Richard wasn't going to the wedding. Sal wasn't sure but Gary pretty much knew that he was just mad that Richard was going and he wasn't. Sal said he'd want to go to the wedding if he could get in but his wife might not appreciate it if she couldn't go. Robin told him that Richard was invited without a guest so he'd have to go alone. Sal said he'd be willing to give Howard oral if he was invited to the wedding. Artie asked Sal if he would still go to the wedding if Howard wasn't going. Sal said he wouldn't go because he has a comedy show at Circles Comedy Club on Saturday. Howard told Sal that they were yanking his crank at this point. He called him a dummy and Sal seemed to be upset about what they had just done to him. Richard said that Sal was hoping that Ross would call in and invite him today. Sal said he would like to hang out with ''the guys'' but Gary thinks that he just wants to hang out with Howard.

  Howard said he heard about more people talking about him going to the wedding and how his table is being considered the ''main table.'' Ross called in and said that the wedding is off. Howard said he heard from Gary that he won't be sitting at a table with the rest of his crew. Ross said that's not true, he'll be sitting with Chris Booker, Robin and a couple other people. Ralph was supposed to sit there as well but he backed out. Artie is sitting at a different table with Stuttering John and his wife. Howard wanted Artie to sit at his table but Ross didn't want to mix things up. Ross ended up talking more about Ralph and how he was driving around in Sam Simon's Bentley when he called him to cancel. Sal cracked a joke about how Ralph must have had to have pulled Sam out of his mouth to make the phone call. Robin thinks that there's something going on there because no guy treats another guy like this without something going on.

  Howard said that he's into Ross getting married and he's not against it as much as people think. He said he is kind of bummed that he's in the wedding party but Randy Gerber and Cindy Crawford won't be. They're not in the wedding party. Sal wondered about Howard and Beth's relationship and if this wedding is going to get her thinking about marriage. Howard said that she's never said to him that she wants to be married but Gary told him that weddings seem to have that effect on women. Howard said that some women have been telling Beth ''Don't worry, you'll be next'' when they talk about the marriage. Sal was wondering why anyone would get married in this day and age. He got married when he was 26 and he doesn't know why anyone does it. Richard said he will never get married after listening to this show. The guys asked Sal if he's happy being married. He wouldn't say no because he has to live with this broad. Gary said that Sal is supposed to be going to an intern party tonight but Sal told him that he's not going, he was just ''thinking about'' going. One of the interns, Kelly, hates Sal because of the score he gave her in the beauty pageant. Sal gave her a really low score and screwed her out of up to $5,000. She said that he's like a child and acts like a 12 year old. Howard said that Sal probably really likes her and he was just trying to get her attention. She should have won the pageant, hands down, according to Howard. Sal said he gave her a score of only 4 in the contest because he thought that her personality was really bad. He said he'd only give her a 2 on a scale of 10. He said she's beautiful but she comes off as being arrogant and stuck up. He was very bitter about the whole thing and said her life was made as soon as she popped out of her mother's uterus.

  The two of them went back and forth talking about what the other person does wrong. Kelly was showing why she got the 4 the way she was talking about Sal and what he does there on the show. Sal said he can't wait for her to get married because her ass will blow up like a balloon. Sal said that if she was his wife, she'd be duct taped at the bottom of a pond. Richard asked Sal if he's ever thought about Kelly when he pleasures himself. He said he thinks about anyone and, yes, he has thought about her. He said that she's a 7 in looks but her personality sucks. He said that these girls are all the same and ''...that's why hookers rule!'' That led to Sal talking about the way his wife treats him. He said that he asked his wife the other night why she doesn't do certain things to him anymore and she told him to ''look at your wallet.'' He said that women just want money and they're all the same. He and Kelly were arguing with each other and Sal was getting more and more pissed off. He then pointed out that Howard is with Beth because she's a piece of ass. Howard said that he's been with other pieces of ass though so why is he with this one and not another one. Sal thinks she just talks a good game and she's not looking for money because she already has her own money. Sal was also saying that a hot chick's looks are her college education and her mind is her future. He had a theory about what women are up to and explained how his life went and how he ended up with 3 kids, a car, a mortgage and a wife who tells him to take his shoes off when he enters the house. He said he loves his wife but he was also complaining about a lot of things she does and doesn't do.

  Gary asked any other interns who have problems with Sal to come in the studio. A few of them came in and tried to say what they thought about Sal. Claudia couldn't believe what Sal was saying about women. Sal said that's just the way it is though. Howard said that today is the last day for some of the interns. Howard told Sal that he didn't have any cash when he got his first wife and wondered what happened there. Sal didn't really have an answer for him. Tom Chiusano came in and said that even if Sal had given Kelly an 8, she may not have won the pageant. She wasn't guaranteed the winner. Howard asked the girls about their big intern party tonight. One of the girls was saying that Sal crosses the line way to much with some of the stuff he does on the show. Howard told them that Sal is frustrated because he's married and he has to be around the beautiful interns all the time. He went to break after that.

• Sal Gets ''Emotional'' After The Interns Confront Him. 08/18/05. 8:05am
  Howard came back from break and listened to a little bit of Cheap Trick's ''I Want You to Want Me'' and said it was one of his favorite songs. Artie said he likes their song ''Surrender'' but the live version. Fred played the studio version for them and both Howard and Artie were singing along to the song. That led to Artie talking about going to see a cover band back in the mid-80s and the band performed that song. He said he remembers doing crowd surfing.

  Howard said that the interns in the back were yelling at Sal during the break and he ended up crying. Sal came back in and said he wasn't crying, he was just getting emotional. He said that people just don't understand him and what his life is like. The girls were ganging up on him and telling him that they thought he was a nice guy. Sal said he is a nice guy, he just lost his mind for a few minutes earlier. Howard brought up how Sal likes some really weird porn and he likes one movie where a woman is being ''mouth raped.'' Sal said he doesn't like when guys smack women around but he does like the other stuff. Sal likes some movies where people use others as toilets. Gary said he doesn't get that stuff at all. Howard said he heard that when Sal made the penis mould for Robin, he was thinking about Claudia and ended up ''finishing'' before he could make the mould. Gary said he heard that Sal likes one of the interns more than the others because she looks like his wife... His wife 15 years ago. Gary also said that he can't wait to go on vacation with Sal in a couple of weeks because they're going to Amsterdam and Paris and they're bringing their wives. Gary thinks that his wife and Sal's wife will get along just fine after hearing the stories that Sal has talked about.

  Howard said that they had a picture of Sal crying up on HowardStern.com. He likes that Jason was right there with the camera when it happened. Sal was still saying that he didn't cry.

• Ryan And His ''Perfect Wife'' Lynn. 08/18/05. 8:10am
  Howard said this guy Ryan called and wrote in recently and told them about his ''perfect wife.'' Today he was there to show her off to the guys. Ryan came in without his wife at first. Howard asked him to remind them why she was the perfect wife. Ryan said that she didn't change when they got married. She looks like Sara Michelle Gellar and she's still in shape. Howard thought they should just bring her right in to see her. She's had 3 kids but still keeps thin. She has breast implants that are pretty big. She said she's at a D-cup. Ryan said that a lot of guys were checking her out this morning when they were coming in. Howard had Ryan read his letter to remind them why he thinks she's the perfect wife. Ryan said that she will find a way to pleasure him just about every day. Sal jokingly(?) asked him what kind of knife he holds to her throat to get her to do that.

  Ryan said that Lynn will do special things for him when he comes home from work sometimes and they'll do stuff like that just about every day. Every day he wants to do something that is. Lately they've been really busy and they don't have time. Sal said that she must be the 8th wonder of the world if all of this is true. Ryan read some other notes and said that she will take care of the kids all of the time. All he has to do is bring home the money. She does the bill paying and cooks some meals but nothing special. He doesn't bother her for that stuff. Gary wanted to know if he has any duties or chores to do around the house. Ryan didn't have any. Howard wondered if she would have another woman in the bed with them. Lynn said that they have talked about it but haven't done it. They will go out and do some role playing at bars and stuff just to tease other guys and stuff like that. Robin wondered if Ryan has to get up and take care of the kids on the weekend, like Gary does. Ryan doesn't have to do that and he knows guys who get home from work and the wife hands them the kids saying that their day is done. Lynn said that since she makes Ryan happy, he will help out around the house and do dishes if she's putting the kids to bed.

  Lynn also said that Ryan will get ''one free pass'' at cheating or something like that. She said that he can cheat on her just one time in their marriage but she doesn't think that he'll actually do anything. She thinks that he won't do it because there may always be something better that could come along. Gary asked Lynn if there was any one thing that she doesn't like about her husband. She said she thinks that he works too much, that's it. Howard said he couldn't find a way to punch holes in their story and she may just be ''The Perfect Wife.'' Ryan said that they've been married for 14 years now and he loves her more now than he did when they first met. Artie asked Ryan what he does for a living. He owns his own business of game stores that are in Arizona. The stores are called Game Days and you can check them out at GameDaze.com. Howard gave him a $500 prize for coming in and wrapped up after that. Sal asked her if she would show her boobs before she left. He finally found a chink in the perfect wife armor. She said there were lines that she wouldn't cross.

• OJ Simpson Interview Tape. 08/18/05. 8:25am
  Howard had some tape of an OJ Simpson interview that this guy did for an ESPN radio show. He said that they had to thank Graham Bensinger (TheGBShow.com) for sending over the tape. He had a few clips from the interview where the kid asks OJ to comment on a few things like the Scott Peterson case. In that discussion OJ talked about how Scott's death penalty came more from his personality than it did from the evidence they had. Graham also asked OJ about how he was still in the public eye after his case was closed. OJ said that he went into hiding for 6 or 7 months and it was the press that came after him after that and would get him on camera playing golf and things like that. OJ also talked about Marcia Clark's make over when she was still on TV during his case. He was calling it a ''redo'' instead of a make over though. He thought it was kind of funny that she did it in the middle of the case. OJ also talked about the Michael Jackson case and what he thought was going on there. OJ ends up getting a little upset with Graham after he said something about ''OJ the murderer.'' Howard thanked Graham for sending that over

• Mr. T Visits. 08/18/05. 8:50am
  After the commercial break Howard had the guys bring in Mr. T who was there to promote some stuff. He's lost a lot of weight since they last saw him. Robin said he was wearing tights too. Mr. T said that he lost about 20 pounds and it wasn't easy. He said he's not fighting guys anymore so he doesn't need all of that bulk anymore. He's also said he's a born again Christian so he doesn't need all of that anymore. His gold chains are back though. He talked about his battle with cancer and how he's still feeling good these days. Howard asked Mr. T about the white couple he had moved in with at one point when he was going through his cancer treatments. Mr. T was saying that they weren't white, they were Jewish. That led to Howard and Robin asking him what the difference was between Jews and white but he just wanted to get in a bunch of thank-yous to Howard, Jesus Christ, his mother and many others. Howard played a clip from an old album that Mr. T put out where he sang about how to treat your mother. His mother is almost 90 years old now.

  Howard talked to Mr. T about working on the movie Rocky III and how he actually remembered the whole script when he did the movie. Mr. T talked about the audition he did for the movie with Sylvester Stallone. He pretty much thought he was going to get the part after the audition. They also shot a short boxing match between him and Sylvester Stallone. They boxed for about 3 minutes and Stallone actually boxed and showed what a tough guy he really is. He said they actually did the boxing match before the regular audition to see what he'd look like in the ring. He had to wait a few days before he found out that he'd gotten the job. He knew that they were taking a chance on hiring him so he really appreciated that they did that for him. He told Sly that he was going to give them 150 percent during the movie shoot. Mr. T said that they paid him really well and his mother thought that maybe he shouldn't cash the check because they may have made a mistake. He said that what kept him grounded was his belief in God. He said there were always drugs and crime around him and he never got into that stuff because he wanted to take care of his mother and the rest of his family. He talked about the money he used to raise for the church years ago and wouldn't keep it for himself. He said he gave the church $10,000 just a few weeks before he got the movie job and he seems to think that it may have had something to do with him getting that job.

  Mr. T talked about how he was really throwing punches at Sly and there was a lot of fight scenes they had to shoot. He had money before the movie came out since he was paid after production. Howard assumed that he had to wait for a year or so for the movie to come out. Mr. T said that he took his family to see the movie and they thought it was good but he remembers his nephew crying because he was beaten by Rocky.

  Howard read that Mr. T is a Hanes spokesperson for underwear. Mr. T said that it's not underwear, it's socks. He said the people at Hanes liked that he wanted to promote their T-shirts as well so they had them come in to promote the new socks. They spent a minute on that and then Howard gave him a plug for the Double Tough Hanes socks and for a Mr. T comic book (APComics.com) that's out now. Howard had a copy there in the studio so he checked it out. Mr. T said they'll be doing real stories and not making up stuff. He said that he'll beat people to a pulp but he won't kill anyone. He said he'll never kill anyone because he's all about love. That led to Mr. T telling Robin that Howard should have hooked him up with her. He's been coming on the show for years and that's never happened. Howard wrapped up after that and went to commercial break.

• Beetlejuice Song News. 08/18/05. 9:35am
  After the break Howard talked about some upcoming guests they have including Blues Traveler who will be performing their version of The Beetlejuice Song. That led to Howard playing the original song and the new Beetlejuice song that's a little heavier than the first one. That song goes something like this...
  Beetle
  I don't know cause I look good
  But I feel like get laid
  Beetle
  I don't know cause I look good
  Beetle know what he get when he wants
  Beetle know what he get when he wants
  Beetle know what he get when he wants
  Beetle know what he get when he wants
  I look like a kango I livin on a hango
  I look like a kango cause I look like a chigalo
  

  Howard said they sent that song over to Leslie West to put in some of his own guitar. Gary said that Leslie may work with the song a little more and change it around a bit. They sent him the raw tape so he could do that. Robin said she loves the part where he starts singing about the ''kango'' thing.

  Howard had Robin start her news after that. Before she could get started though, he talked more about the web site he was talking about earlier, DateMeNatalie.com, where this kid is asking for a date with Natalie Portman. He read the guy's plea for the date and spent a short time talking about that. He said you can click onto the guy's pictures and bio to see what he looks like. Howard said that the guy admits he's not good looking but he thinks he has a nice smile. Howard said it's not going to happen and Natalie is going to be freaked out by him. Gary said that this is the same kid who wanted to be an intern there on the show because he wanted the chance to meet Natalie if she ever comes on the show. Howard said she'll never come on the show but it would be funny to have him working there. Robin checked out his pictures and reminded the guy that Natalie works in Hollywood. He's got no chance. Howard thinks that it's going to ruin the guy's life if he keeps the site up. If he's dating a girl some day who hasn't heard about the site, and then she finds out, she's going to run away.

• Commercials From Far Away Places. 08/18/05. 9:55am
  During the news Howard played an audio clip from their Dallas affiliate where they had some advertising for a hunting show and another one where they do a commercial for a web site called GodSaidManSaid.com. He said that you never hear anything like that in New York. Gary came in with some notes from the web site and talked about them with Howard and Robin for a few seconds before Howard had Robin get back to her news. That didn't last long before Howard took a phone call from Sour Shoes who performed David Bowie's ''Star Man'' but changed it to ''Satellite Man'' about Howard. That led to Howard talking about a band called Cherry Monroe who came up with a song about satellite radio and actually put his name into the song. Fred pulled that song out and played it. Howard thought it was actually a pretty good song.

• J.D. To Get Laid... Eventually. 08/18/05. 10:05am
  Howard said that they just had J.D. agree to get laid on air when they move to satellite. They asked him for 4 names of porn stars he likes and they're going to try and hook him up over there. J.D. came in and said that he came up with the idea and told it to Richard before he fully thought it out. Howard also asked J.D. if he's going to the big intern party tonight. He said he is and then Gary told Howard that this one intern that J.D. is really in love with was at a bar with him last week and fell asleep as he was talking to her. The intern came in and said it wasn't J.D.'s fault, she was just really tired. Howard said he heard that J.D. was smelling her hair after she fell asleep but he claims that's not true.

  J.D. Said he had a few names on the list of chicks he'd like to bang. He said that Avy Scott, Tiffany Minx and Lauren Phoenix are just 3 that he could think of. Howard wanted him to pretend that he was talking to one of them but J.D. wasn't into it. Artie was making snoring sound effects and Sour Shoes was playing a baby song in the background. Howard and the guys were giving Sour Shoes a bunch of songs to play and he was able to play just about anything they threw at him. He wasn't doing them seriously but he was able to sing every song for a few seconds.

  Robin got back to her news and a little later on Howard congratulated Maxim Magazine for getting Kelly Monaco in there this month. Richard Christy came in and said that he thought the pictures were so good that he ripped them all out of the magazine so he could have them all in front of him when he's pleasuring himself. Robin said he always looks at her when he's talking about that. Richard said he does that to see if it's turning her on. Robin basically said that it doesn't turn her on at all. Gary came in a short time later and said that Will has been watching the soap opera that Kelly stars on and they wrote ballroom dancing into the script in some really lame way. Howard had Robin finish up her news after that and ended the show around 10:45am.

• The Best Of Stern. 08/19/05. 6:00am
  Yes, it was the Howard Stern Show's usual Friday-in-August/3-Day-Weekend vacation day today. It's time for The Best of Stern so here's what we heard...
  • James Brown TV interview audio clip.
  • Mr. Rogers ''Things We Can Do With Our Hands'' bit.
  • Jackass Steve O Comes In. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 12/9/02. 8:15am
      Jackass star, Steve O, came in to talk to Howard. Howard said he watched a very disturbing video of Steve with his girlfriend. He said he lights her on fire while she's laying on a table and she freaks out. Howard said she was screaming and freaking out through the whole thing. Steve never rehearses these stunts and sometimes it goes wrong. Howard said she'll never have to wax again because all of her hair was burned off. Howard said Dee has a great body too and he doesn't know why Steve would do that to her. Howard showed the clip to Robin and she was flipping out about what Steve did to the poor girl.

      Howard started to talk to Steve about how annoying he's been around the station this morning but then he lit his head on fire for a few seconds. Howard tried to stop him but it was too late. A few seconds later Howard was complaining about the burnt hair smell.

      Howard asked Steve O what the movie ''Jackass'' made in the theaters. He said it was like $63 million and it hadn't gone international yet. Robin read something about Steve snorting salt to impress some woman. It turns out he was on the show Blind Date and ended up getting her a couple of months later. He bragged that he got to bang her but it only happened once. He said she wouldn't return his calls after that. Steve said she's a ''lingerie model'' which usually means she's a stripper. Howard said when a woman says she's a lingerie model, her face is usually busted.

      Howard said that the last time Steve was on he said he didn't have a signed contract for the ''Jackass'' movie. Steve said he got the up-front money but still hasn't signed a contract. He didn't want to talk about the situation though. Steve said he's making money doing live shows around the country. He said he gets really drunk before the shows and has a lot of fun doing the shows. Howard said he has to get drunk to do all of the crazy stunts he does. Howard said he thinks Steve will end up with arthritis and crap when he gets older. Adam said that Steve is just sacrificing himself for the people like Jesus did. Steve said he thinks he's cooler than Jesus.

      Howard got back to the money thing but Steve still wasn't talking about the contract. He said he thinks he may have his own TV show called ''Alpha Male'' that will be on MTV. He said he and Chris Pontius will be doing that show. He and Howard spent a few more minutes talking about the live shows he does and some of the crazy stunts he performs in those.

    • Steve talked about all of the staple holes he has in his body and the other injuries he has. Adam told him he should try taping his nuts to his leg instead of stapling them like he does now. Howard said he doesn't know how he can do that because it's the most sensitive skin on the male body. Steve O has a new DVD coming out tomorrow, Steve O Video Volume 2, and it's already gone platinum.

      Chaunce Hayden called in and said that Steve has been hanging out with Val Kilmer lately. Howard wondered how anyone can hang out with Steve because he's all over the place. Steve said he and Val have fun hanging out. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how they met on a movie set.

      Steve O was all over the place talking about using PCP and how he found God and all of this other crazy stuff. He said he didn't really find ''God'' but something he's just calling miracles. He said that all of these miracles have been happening around him and that's what he's calling ''God.''

      Howard spent a couple more minutes with him and then wrapped up and took another commercial break. Check out SteveOVideo.com for more on that new video.

  • Howard plays tape of Stuttering John interviewing Cindy Crawford.
  • Howard interviews Tiny Tim about sex, masturbation and more.
  • Howard's Strange Visit To Fred's Apartment. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 11/18/02. 6:05am
      (Snipped) Howard said on Friday after the show he heard Robin telling Fred that she was going to go visit his new baby at his apartment over the weekend. Howard said he figured he should do the same thing so he went over too. He said he'd never think of going to Fred's apartment any other time. He went on to say that he and Beth were walking around and he remembered that he wanted to go visit him but didn't know the address. Beth knew it though since she'd sent them a gift or something. Howard said he got to the building and the door man sent him right up. Howard said he knocked on Fred's door but got no answer. He said he could hear them rustling around inside but no one answered. He kept knocking and ringing the buzzer but they wouldn't answer. Fred told Howard that he was helping his wife get dressed but didn't answer. Howard said he just kept going and going and they just wouldn't answer the door. Howard said they tried that for 5 minutes and gave up. He went back to the door man and told him what just happened. He asked the door man to call up to Fred and find out if it was okay to go up. Fred swears that he never heard the knocking or the buzzer. He said once the door man called Fred, he let him in. Howard said he felt kind of strange because of what happened. Howard said even Beth figured they didn't want them there because they weren't answering the door. Howard said he will never believe Fred's story though. Fred said he'd swear on the life of his baby that he never heard them knocking that first time. Robin said she hung around for quite a while and even got to see Fred change a diaper. Howard and Robin also talked about how nice Fred's apartment was. Howard said he thinks Fred is making too much money after seeing the apartment.

      Howard said Fred has a couple of dogs and he didn't even know about one of them. He said he knew about this one that's like 14 years old, and on it's last legs, but didn't know about the one he's had for about 7 years. Howard said Fred and his wife saved this dog from a shelter that was about to put the dog to sleep. Howard said it's a beautiful dog. He said the dog was like 7 months old when they took it in. Fred said the dog was tied to a post in the city somewhere and left to die. It was already trained when they got it so it knew how to sit and stuff like that so Howard figured the dog was loved but got lost or something and some kids tied it up to the post. Howard said the dog is really nice and smart. Howard said he started to get jealous of Fred after seeing the way he lives. Stuttering John came in and tried to figure out what kind of money Fred was spending on this place. He was asking about the square footage and how it was set up. John said it had to be over $900,000 for the apartment. Howard said Fred had a nice flat screen TV and a nice little family room. Howard said the apartment is in the Upper West Side of Manhattan and it's considered one of the best parts of the city.

      John said that he and Gary were still debating whether or not Fred heard Howard and Beth knocking on the door. Howard said he's still convinced Fred heard them and just didn't answer.

  • Willie Nelson Interview Replay.
    • This was from Wednesday's show, you can read it by clicking here.
  • Underdog Lady Calls Howard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 12/5/02. 6:05am
      (Snipped) Howard said he heard that John brought home his BethO calendar and hung it in the kitchen yesterday. John came in and confirmed that but changed the subject when he said he had Underdog lady on the phone. John said that he was going to tell Howard a story but she wasn't going to talk unless he gets the story wrong. John explained to Howard that Underdog doesn't seem to grasp the concept that Howard's listeners don't listen to the show all the time. John said people are still harassing her even though Howard asked his fans to stop. Howard said people will probably goof on her no matter what because her act is so different. She whispered a ''no'' at one point during this discussion when the guys were saying that she is actually doing a comedy act. It turns out people probably think she's doing a comedy act but it's not. Underdog was tapping her answers since she didn't want to talk on the air. John also said that Underdog is also upset that Howard says he loves her. She eventually started talking but was still whispering. Howard and John tried to get her to talk in a normal voice but she didn't want to. Howard said he wants to talk to her but wants to hear her talk in a normal voice. She started to talk a little louder as the interview went on. She complained about Howard's fans bothering her. She hates that and wants it to change. Robin said that Underdog would find a way to get around a situation like this. She was still blaming Howard for being banned from certain places and when Howard started to tell her that's not his fault, she hung up on him. Howard asked fans to please stop bugging her when they see her out at parades and stuff like that. Howard said that Underdog reminds him of Joe Piscopo because they both think they're in show business when they're really not and they're both being goofed on. Howard and the guys wondered if Underdog ever gets laid. They pretty much agree that she doesn't have much chance of that happening. Howard brought up the Supreme Court women and how ugly those women are and how they probably don't get laid either. Gary told Howard that anything to do with sex is dirty to Underdog so she probably doesn't think about sex. Gary said Underdog overheard some people talking about Howard at a parade so she went over to confront them and almost got thrown out of the parade. Gary said that Underdog's tapping on the phone made him laugh pretty hard. Howard asked one more time for people to please leave her alone when they see her out in public.
  • Judith Brandt Talks The Rules Of Cheating. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/14/03. 7:20am
      This woman Judith Brandt called in to talk about her book ''The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette.'' She says that if you do cheat on your spouse, you should use the 50 mile rule and make sure you don't cheat within 50 miles of your home. She has a lot of common sense rules in her book such as
      • Don't get caught.
      • Safe sex.
      • Observe the 50 mile rule.
      • Lay out the ground rules first thing.
      • Keep communication with your lover to a minimum.
      • Be honest but not open.
      • Make no promises.
      • Keep you affair secret.
      • Keep you kids out of your sex life.
      • Money and gifts are a trap.
      • Know when to break it off.
      • Deny, deny, deny.
      • Don't feel guilty.
      Judith claims that she's been in a relationship with a man outside her marriage for years and it works out just fine. She actually recommends having one. Howard went through the list of rules Judith has in her book and talked to her about each one. Most of the things she talks about are just common sense though. Howard threw in some of his own thoughts on this subject. He said if you cheat, you should have someone who has just as much to lose as you do. That way when you break up, the other person won't tell your spouse. Howard also agreed with her ''Deny, deny, deny'' rule. He said Dennis Rodman tried that with Carmen Electra when she found him in bed with a few women. He told her they fell through the ceiling. Judith says that you should never confess to having an affair because it will mean nothing in 5 years anyway. Judith says the book is aimed at men and she claims that like half of the married men in this country have cheated on their wives. She also claims that 10 percent of the children conceived in marriages are not actually their legal father's kids. Howard said there was one other rule... Hide the book from your spouse! Howard gave Judith a plug for her web site The50MileRule.com. He spent a couple of minutes talking to her about her cheating and how she's been able to keep her relationship up with a guy who has been married for 15 years. Howard also took a call from a guy who was upset that Judith is teaching women to be skanks and liars. He had a few other nasty things to say about her before plugging a comedy club gig he has coming up. Howard took a call from a guy who bragged that he's been cheating for 2 years now even though he's ''happily'' married. Judith says there's no harm in doing that but Howard disagrees and says there is some harm when you cheat and get caught. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Judith and then wrapped up the phone call.

      After the call Howard said that the way divorces work out these days makes guys want to stay in the relationship just so they don't lose half their money. That leads to people staying in marriages they're not happy in and therefore, leads to guys cheating.

      Howard took some other phone calls and talked about some other stuff after the interview. Shuli called in and brought up this show called ''Inside the Actors Studio'' that Howard likes. Shuli said at the end of the show they ask actors 8 dopey questions like:

      • What makes you laugh?
      • What makes you cry?
      • What's your favorite sound?
      • What's your least favorite sound?
      • What turns you on?
      • What turns you off?
      • What's your favorite curse word?
      • Hypothetically, if there's a heaven, what would you like to hear God say?
      Howard goofed on the whole idea and gave his own dopey answers to the questions. After that Shuli said he had an article that outs celebrities who claim to be environmentally friendly but actually own tons of cars. He only got to Norman Lear who has a 20 car garage before Howard wrapped up the call. He said he had a lot of stuff to get to later on.