For the week of 02/28/2005 to 03/04/2005

• Howard Back From Vacation. 02/28/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Joe Walsh voice mail for Gary, Howard Stern Show theme, Counting Crows performing ''Mr. Jones'' live in the studio.

  Howard and the guys returned from their week long vacation today. Howard started off the show talking about the Academy Awards. He joked that there are rumors floating that he'll be the host of the show next year because they want someone to be edgy. Howard has talked about Chris Rock taking that job in the past few weeks and he knew it was a bad idea for him to do it. Howard said that Chris had to edit out anything that was going to be funny, and he was right. Chris was caught between a rock and a hard place because he had to take it easy on the stars there so he wouldn't offend anyone. Ronnie the Limo Driver told Howard he thought Rock was hysterical but Sal the Stockbroker told him that he only gave Christ a 5 out of 10.

  Fred told Howard that he hated the movie ''Ray'' even though Howard liked it. He said that the kid in the movie was better than Jamie Foxx at acting. Howard also brought up ''The Aviator'' and how great that movie was. Howard thinks that Leonardo DiCaprio was in that movie. Robin was saying that Chris Rock just wasn't getting into Chris' act during the show and he wasn't able to get into his usual flow. Howard said he should have just gone up there and just hosted the show instead of trying to do a comedy act up there. Artie thought that it was funny how mad Sean Penn got at Chris Rock for making fun of Jude Law. That led to Howard trying to play some audio from the award show where Penn went off on Chris Rock. He had some trouble with his CD player but eventually got it working. Penn told Rock that Jude Law was one of their best actors out there and didn't think it was funny the way he was making fun of him. Needless to say Penn wasn't funny. Rock came back with a line that didn't make a lot of sense and said that his accountants were going to want a word with him after making that comment.

  Howard thought that Robin Williams came across as being funnier last night. Howard changed subjects after that and said he saw Artie on Conan O'Brien's show. He thought Artie was really funny on the show but Conan could have helped him out a little more. Artie said that Conan has always been good to him when he's gone on there though.

• Chaunce's SEC Investigation. 02/28/05. 6:15am
  Howard said he stayed home last week during his vacation. He talked about the big news story about the SEC investigation into some possible insider trading. Howard said it made it seem like he was part of the investigation but he really had nothing to do with it. Howard said there were some reporters trying to get some comments from him but he had nothing to do with it. Howard said the SEC has to check him out and a bunch of other people out to find out of there was any mastermind behind the spike in stock sales before his big announcement last year. Howard said Chaunce Hayden was one person called into the investigation so he was obviously the one who called the NY Post to get the story out there. Howard said it wasn't fun for him but it was probably fun for Chaunce. Howard said he hasn't done a god damn thing. Fred said he got mad when he saw that story because they were linking Chaunce to Howard's name and using Howard's picture in the newspaper. Howard said the NY Post was the only paper coming after him for an interview.

  Gary said that Chaunce told him that he showed a friend of his the paperwork he got from the SEC. The friend works for the NY Post so that's how the story got out there. Gary said that's why Chaunce is kind of stupid in this whole thing. Howard said Chaunce was on the phone to talk about the whole thing but he really didn't want to get into it. He said it ruined his vacation because it started his week off pretty bad. He said the one thing he prides himself on is being ''honest to a fault.'' He said when he sees his picture on the cover of the newspaper linked to an SEC investigation, he gets pissed and said ''I'm honest!'' He hopes that Chaunce won't call the CIA next to get his picture in the paper again.

  Howard got Chaunce on the phone and told him he doesn't want to talk about this stuff on the air. Chaunce said he understood so Howard hung up on him. Howard doesn't want anything to do with it and he said he just wants to go to satellite to do his show. He's just a guy who tells fart jokes and he needs to relax a little bit. He said Beth saw him open the newspaper that day and she said he was shaking when he saw his name linked to the story.

  Howard changed subjects again and talked about Joan and Melissa Rivers' red carpet coverage at the Academy Awards. He said that Melissa is driving him nuts with her interviewing and the way she talks. That led to the guys talking about some of the stars that were at the Academy Awards. Howard said that Hillary Swank's dress should have been turned around and her makeup was a bit too severe. He also talked about how he just got to see ''The Aviator'' during vacation and if he'd seen it before then, he would have campaigned for Leonardo DiCaprio to win Best Actor. He thought Jamie Foxx was good but Leo was better. He spent a little more time talking about Chris Rock as the host and how that didn't go over very well.

• More Academy Award Discussions. 02/28/05. 6:25am
  Howard took a call from a woman who told him she's going to follow him to Sirius. That got Howard talking about how he was in Central Park taking some pictures of his daughter at the gates that were put up there. A woman came up to him and asked him if he was who she thought he was. She ended up asking him why Sirius stock wasn't up higher than it was. Howard doesn't have anything to do with that and he's no financial analyst so he didn't know what to tell her. Howard almost forgot about the woman on the phone so he got back to her for a minute. She told Howard she saw Chris Rock at a comedy club recently and he did some of the material he did last night but he went all the way with the act and it was great. Howard said that Chris was just a fish out of water. Artie told Howard that Nick DiPaolo wrote some stuff for Rock and one of his intros for Halle Berry was ''This actress has lost more men than the Iraqi Army...'' Howard said that would have been hilarious. He pointed out that this is a woman who has been involved in a hit and run accident where she hit someone and drove away and then said she must have blacked out when it happened. Howard said the first question he'd have for her would be ''Are you still driving?'' He doesn't think she should still be driving. He pointed out that Tommy Chong did 19 months in jail for selling bongs and this woman ran over someone and didn't do any jail time.

  Howard brought up Rolling Stone magazine and how he still loves that magazine. He mentioned some of the stuff in the magazine including an article about some whales that are endangered but he didn't want to talk about that. He said that there was an article about the new Broadcast Decency bill and how he could be fined up to $500,000 for saying something ''indecent'' but he could go and dump nuclear waste somewhere and only get fined $60,000. He said that's why the whole thing is ridiculous. There's no way this decency bill should pass.

  A listener called in and told Howard what Chris Rock meant with the joke he came back at Sean Penn with during the award show last night. The guy explained that Rock had brought out some guys who were supposed to be his ''accountants'' but they were just a couple of really huge black dudes. Howard and the guys spent a couple more minutes talking about the award show and Chris Rock. Robin said she felt bad for Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows. They didn't win the award last night and she now knows why Counting Crows fans hated that song they performed last night. Howard had to take a break a short time later.

• Howard's Texas Holdem Game. 02/28/05. 6:50am
  Howard came back from break and said that they have a new feature on his web site where they take you inside Jeff the Drunk's trailer home. Howard said the place is nicer than he thought it would be. Howard went on to talk about the Texas Holdem game he played with some of the guys from the station last week. Some of the people who were there were Tom Gesimondo, Gary Dell'Abate, Booker, Tom Chiusano, Wayne Segal, Vinnie Favale and Ross Zapin. Robin asked of Sam Benrubi was there. Howard said that Sam doesn't work there anymore, he's now working over at Sirius. Howard said that Tom called and told him about that. The whole company seems to be moving away from there and over to Sirius. Howard feels bad for Tom because of that. He's hoping that they can get Tom to follow them over there as well.

  Howard got back to the card game discussion and brought up the fact that Gary was finally able to get out of the house to have some fun. Howard said that Gary got to sit next to him in the game. In the first hand Howard decided to take advantage of Gary and took him out in the first hand. He blew all of his money in that hand and Gary was out. Gary said that Howard really did take advantage of him because he was kind of green at the game. Gary also said that Howard is a very different person when he plays cards because he gets really serious. Howard said he saw that Wayne Segal had some huge piles of money in the game and at one point, he decided that all of that money was going to be his. He ended up winning $960 that night. Robin said that Howard could have taken it easy on Gary but when you play that game you have to be a killer. Gary said he became the card bitch for the night after he lost all of his money. The guys went over to Scores after the card game and had some fun there. Howard said they went to the West Side Scores.

  Robin wondered if Howard could do well in a real card game with real players. Howard knows he'd get killed. He's not that good. He played some games down at the Borgata in Atlantic City with some real players and he didn't do so well. He does take the game seriously though. Gary said that Howard takes the fun out of the whole thing because he takes it so seriously. Howard talked about how Richie Notar won't come to play because he doesn't like how Howard isn't fun to play with. Tom Chiusano came in and talked about how he had to run the game and it was kind of distracting so they need to get a dealer next time. Howard and Tom had some fun playing the game. Howard explained how he was able to take Wayne out of the game by taking all of his money. He just managed to get a good hand and put in all of his money. He says he knew he was going to win because of the cards he had. Howard spent a short time on that and then had to take another break. He gave Chaunce Hayden a secret message and said ''buy cattle futures'' as he was going to commercial break.

• BTK Killer, Phone Calls And More. 02/28/05. 7:15am
  After the break Howard took some phone calls. Double A called in and told Howard about the comedy show he went to see over the weekend the week before the news came out about the SEC investigation. He said he got a call from High Pitch Eric who told him about the trouble. Double A said he saw the article and all he could think about was how his master plan to get Beth O was coming true. Howard ended up talking about the BTK (Bind Torture Kill) killer that was just caught this week. Howard let Double A go and spent a few minutes talking about this BTK killer and how he had a family and he was a cub scout leader and stuff like that. He was also a city code enforcement employee. Benjy asked Howard if he heard how they caught the guy. Howard knew but he let Benjy explain how the guy's daughter gave her DNA so they could test it against some DNA they had from years ago. Howard didn't think it was as wild as Benjy did.

  Howard said he went to a Knick game over the weekend with his 12 year old daughter. He said the game was good and the Knicks ended up winning. He saw Woody Allen and Sun Yi there at the game and the guy looks miserable according to Howard. Robin said that the guy is stuck now because he stole Mia Farrow's daughter. Howard said one of the players from the Pacers came over and gave him some respect. None of the Knicks did that but they did go over to say hello to Fat Joe the singer who was sitting near him. Howard said he likes that guy Fat Joe and he wanted to go over to him to talk to him about all of the money he's spending on the woman he's with. He also talked about how he had to explain to his 12 year old daughter what was going on with Woody Allen and Sun Yi. Howard said Fat Joe was cool and let him take some pictures of his daughter with him. He said that none of the guys on the Knicks went over to say hello to him but this guy O'Neil came over to him and said hello to him so he started to root for his team instead of the Knicks. Howard said they also play some ''Baba Booey'' sound effects at the game when they put him up on camera there. They have a lot of other stuff going on at the game that keeps it pretty entertaining.

  Artie told Howard about going to a Knicks game one time and how Lebron James was having a full conversation with Jay Z while he was playing the game. Howard said he thinks the reason none of the Knicks came over to say hello to him is because he's a white guy. None of them even acknowledged him when he was sitting there.

  Howard brought up the Academy Awards again and said he didn't like the way Beyonce was singing every song on the show. That led to them talking about the kid singers that were there and ended up playing the NAMBLA message they've played many times in the past.

  A woman called in and asked if Robin was going to be going with Howard to Sirius. Howard said that they're all going there. There is some confusion about the whole thing because Robin has this new TV show lined up. Howard thinks that she's going to be overwhelmed and crabby every day because she'll be doing the radio show in the morning and then she'll go to shoot her TV show in the afternoon. Howard said that if the Tony Danza show can do well, Robin can't miss with her show. Robin said she'll be shooting her TV show in the early afternoon and Howard thinks that's going to be a disaster. Howard asked people not to watch the show because he knows that if it's successful, Robin is going to be crabby every day she comes in. Robin said she's not like him and she won't have a problem doing both things. Howard said she'll get home around 6 every night and she'll go right to bed so she can get up first thing in the morning again. Howard said that if it makes her happy, good for her.

  Howard took a call from Bobo who mentioned that Mel Karmazin is working really hard over there at Sirius. They just signed up to cover NASCAR races starting in 2007. Howard said that he knew nothing about that ahead of time. Howard said he doesn't understand NASCAR and he doesn't watch it, but if it'll bring in some business to Sirius, he's all for it. Bobo also brought up the awful picture of Howard that was in the paper when the SEC stuff came out. The picture was of Howard jogging in the park and it was just horrible.

  Robin said she's been reading about Johnny Carson's will and how a bunch of people are fighting over it. She and Howard spent a short time talking about that. Howard took a call from a guy who claims he used to work with that BTK killer years ago. He told Howard that the guy was real unfriendly with people. Howard talked about the guy for a short time. The caller said that the killer never tried to kill him. He always thought that the guy was kind of a wuss. Howard read that one woman was surprised that she wasn't killed because she used to fight with that guy all the time. Howard and the caller talked about the type of women this guy would kill. The caller said the women he saw looked like women in their 50s or so. Howard had to take a break after that discussion.

• Is The Best Of Stern Horrible? 02/28/05. 8:00am
  Howard came back from break and mentioned tonight's E! show featuring Jamie who came in to be evaluated. He said that might be the last farting show you'll hear on his show until he moves because Tom has told him that they can't have extended farting on the show. He had a bunch of things to talk about but he had a ''Stump the Booey'' game to get to. Howard quickly mentioned the news about Paris Hilton's Sidekick getting broken into. There were pictures and phone numbers posted on the web. Then someone said they broke into Fred Durst's cell phone and found video of him having unprotected sex with a woman. Howard said he tried to get that video but wasn't able to get it to come up. Howard said he saw some stills and it didn't look like the guy had a big wiener. He sounded kind of happy about that.

  A listener called in and told Howard that The Best of Stern is unlistenable because of the way they bleep it now. The caller said he tried to listen to a couple of days of it and you just can't understand it. Howard said he has come up with something to fix that problem... He's moving to satellite. Howard said he's also planning on not letting them play any of his stuff when the Broadcast Decency bill. The caller wondered why they can't even say ''nipple'' on the air anymore. Howard told the guy he has no idea how bad it's gotten. That led to Howard talking about Chris Rock's hosting job on the Academy Awards. Then he was interrupted when he was given the pictures from the Paris Hilton Sidekick. She was topless in some of the pictures and she looked really good according to Howard and Artie. Howard said she was making out with a girl in one picture. Artie said they were really hot pictures. Howard wondered if they were real or not but he thought they looked pretty real to him.

  The caller told Howard how bad the Best of stuff was and how much they were bleeping it and chopping it up. Howard said that he's asked the station not to air that stuff anymore but they don't listen to him and just keep chopping it up and airing it. Howard also brought up a story about how not all of his listeners are willing to follow him to satellite when he moves. Howard said people have been predicting his demise for decades now and he's still around. He said there was another article about Viacom devaluing the company stock because they're losing Howard. Howard said that after he read that he figured he was very underpaid. The company devalued the company by like $18 billion.

  Howard read an article about a 23 year old guy who got arrested for passing a phony bank robbery note to a teller. Artie did something similar when he was 17 but he didn't do any jail time. This 23 year old kid was arrested and charged with attempted robbery. The guy claims that he was just joking around though. The guy's grandfather says that the kid has a 140 IQ and he's not stupid enough to rob a bank where he's a customer. He was dumb enough to write the note though.

  Another caller told Howard that there was a story about Clear Channel making some changes and losing $4 billion. Howard said that he hopes he had something to do with that because they dropped his show last year. Howard hopes that their hole empire crumbles when he makes his move to satellite.

• Howard's Good Bye To Mark ''The Shark'' Drucker. 02/28/05. 8:10am
  Howard quickly mentioned that he worked at WRNW many years ago when he was first starting out in the business. He said that it was the only place that would hire him at the time because he was just horrible at doing his job. Howard said he figured out how to make money by becoming the Program Director over there. He hated the job but he was making $250 a week instead of $96 a week. He would listen to tapes of these guys who were willing to be paid $4 an hour and he found this guy who was really smooth. He ended up hiring the guy because he didn't look like the BTK killer or anything like that. The guy did his job and he was great at it. He did production work and did a great job at that. He would help Howard out and he was great. It was an unbelievable find for a station like that. Howard said he ended up getting the guy his job when he left the station. The guy was really thankful for Howard's help. Howard kept tabs on the guy and he always did well in radio. He didn't stay in touch with him though. The guy ended up in Philadelphia and he was known as Mark ''The Shark'' Drucker who used to work with John Debella who was Howard's competition for a while. Howard would never say anything bad about Mark even while all of that was going on. This past weekend he found out that Mark died. Mark was only 48 years old and had cancer. Howard got to talk to him about a month ago when he heard that he was sick. Mark was doing news in Philly on an AM station. Howard said that Mark wasn't able to talk much at the time he spoke to him. He'd gotten stomach cancer and they were unable to save him. Howard said he ended up writing a letter to Mark and told him how great he was. Mark started to get a little better and they ended up talking.

  Howard said that 48 doesn't sound that young until you die at that age, then it seems young. Gary told Howard how nice Mark was and how he really was a good guy. Robin said that they do say that the good do die young. Artie said that he's going to prove that the bad die young also. Howard said he really appreciated Mark and he knows there are a lot of people who are affected by his death. Mark had an 11 year old daughter and a fiancee. He was very happy until the cancer thing came about. It came up pretty quick and he didn't last long. Howard said he's going to dedicate his move to satellite to Mark Drucker. He's going to remember him when he makes his move because Mark was such a motivated guy. After doing the tribute he said it was time to get to some naked chicks. He had to take a break first.

• Stump The Booey With Andy And Jamie. 02/28/05. 8:30am
  Howard quickly went over a news story about this guy who was posing as a woman track athlete. He read the story about the athlete from Zimbabwe who was discovered to be a man by one of his teammates. The athlete claims that he was born with both genitals but a healer made his male genitalia disappear but when he didn't pay his bill, the healer made them come back.

  After the story Howard mentioned his web site again and said that they have the Jeff the Drunk pictures and a new Scores photo gallery. The guys from the site are making any excuse to go over to Scores now. Howard also played some voice mail messages that they created using Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard. They were supposed to be some of the people listed on Paris Hilton's address book that was hacked. They had Gary and Wendy saying that they were celebrities like Eminem, Christina Aguilera, Frankie Muniz, Lindsay Lohan, Vin Diesel and others.

  Howard moved on to play a game of ''Stump the Booey.'' He had a new song parody from Sal the Stockbroker who sang about his card game with Howard. Jamie, the woman who came in with the guy who was going to play, looked like Rachel Hunter according to Howard. Artie said he was thinking Uma Thurman... but he was talking about the guy, Andy, who came in. Andy said that she also has people say she looks like Debra Messing from ''Will and Grace.'' Jamie has to get naked if her boyfriend loses to Gary in the game. Howard asked them if they're going to get married but they said they don't have any plans at this point. Howard didn't think the guy was all that good looking to have a girlfriend who was that hot. He races horses and makes quite a bit of money doing that stuff. Howard figures he's good for $250,000 a year but Andy said he might get that high in 4-5 years. Andy said he cleared about $60,000 last year. Howard wondered how he can pay for the jewelry this chick was wearing on that kind of money. Jamie said that she teaches special-ed to students from the age of 15 to 21. Howard said that Jamie would look amazing if she had breast implants. She said that she'd love to have them too.

  Howard had Jamie step behind the curtain they have in the studio. She has to strip down before they play the game so they can just drop the curtain if Andy loses. Jamie said that she's kind of hoping to get naked for Howard after he asked her about it. Andy said that she really likes Howard so of course she does. Howard started the game and said Andy was playing for $5,000 courtesy of Napster. Here are the songs and who got them right:

  • Born to be my Baby by Bon Jovi - Gary missed it, Andy got it.
  • I'm Burning For You by Blue Oyster Cult - Both got it.
  • Hell is for Children by Pat Benetar - No one got it.
  • I'm in the Mood by Robert Plant - Both got it.
  • Lady in Red by Chris Deberg - Both got it
  Howard interrupted the game and ended up talking to Jamie about making out with another woman. She said she was in school at the time and it was just a dare so it wasn't a great story. Howard finished up the game and just about begged Gary to win the game... but he couldn't pull it off. Andy ended up winning but Howard told Jamie not to get dressed quite yet. Howard was going to try and make a deal to get her naked. He told her that she was probably all psyched up and was prepared to get naked so he was going to give her a pair of airline tickets good to fly anywhere in the U.S. courtesy of Airborne. Jamie said she'd take it and made Howard promise that he wouldn't pick her apart. Howard had the guys drop the curtain and said he'd do her in a flash. She turned around and showed them the tattoo she had on her back. Howard said he'd give it to her hard and she'd love it.

  Dr. Sal Calabro called in and said that he'd be willing to give her breast implants if she got naked for Howard. It was too late but Howard said that if she turned around and picked up all of the cards on the floor, he'd give her the implants. Doug from E! came in and said that maybe if she got into the RoboSpanker naked they could do it. Howard just had her bend over and pick up the cards that were on the floor. She did it and got the implants. So she won the airline tickets and the implants while Andy won the $5,000. Howard went to break after saying goodbye to them.

• Actor Gianni Russo Drops In. 02/28/05. 9:10am
  Howard came back from break and asked Robin if she knew the name Gianni Russo. She remembered that he played Carlo Rizzi, a character in ''The Godfather,'' after Howard gave her some clues. Gianni came in after Howard explained the part the guy played in the movie. Howard said that anyone who was in that movie can just walk on the show at any time because he's such a fan of it. He spent a couple of minutes talking to Gianni about what he did to get the part in the movie and how that all came about. He was an unknown so he sent in an audition tape and was rejected at first. He claims that there were some friends of the mob who blew up the gates of the studio and getting the part was kind of a payback from the studio. Gianni said that he also threatened Marlon Brando on one of his first days there and Brando thought he was acting and told him he was brilliant. Howard also heard that he had some issues with James Caan and he still does to this day. Caan actually beat him up for real during the filming of the movie. Gianni claims that Caan almost did get whacked during the filming but he didn't want that to happen because they'd probably come after him. Gianni said he had to talk his friends into not whacking him one night because he had to go to work with him.

  Gianni told Howard a couple of stories about James Caan and also about some of the women he's had sex with. He had a 12 year relationship with Dionne Warwick. James said that she was kind of strange and he never really wanted to have sex with her but he did it because at night, you're like a dog and you have to do certain things. Howard asked Gianni if she sang while he was with her. Gianni said that she couldn't sing doing the things she was doing to him. Fred played some porn sound effects to fill in the blanks in that story. There was also a story about Gianni having sex with 3 different women within a 9 hour period of time. He said it was Dionne Warwick, Telly Savalas' fiancee Kathy Malloy and John Kluge's wife Yolanda Kluge. He said they all showed up within hours of one another at his hotel.

  Howard gave Gianni a plug for his CD ''Reflections'' that's coming out tomorrow. Gianni will be at an FYE store on Friday signing copies of the CD. You can find out more about that at Gianni's web site GianniRusso.com. Gianni told a few more stories about his life. He had to kill a guy in a casino one time because he was stabbing his girlfriend. The guy turned out to be a drug dealer and Gianni had to make a deal with Pablo Escobar so he wouldn't get killed himself. Gianni didn't want to get into too many details about that though.

  Howard took a couple of phone calls for Gianni and one guy called him a ''Nig*** lover'' which was pretty ballsy to say to the guy. Another caller said that this guy is an envelope chaser and he's not connected to anyone. Howard said Gianni never claimed to know anyone, he's just an actor. One caller asked how many takes it took to shoot one of the scenes in the movie. Artie was reenacting the scene since he knew the movie so well. Howard asked Gianni about sleeping with Zsa Zsa Gabor. Gianni said that he never did that. He took her to a show one time but he never did anything with her. He was going to do her but something odd happened that night. He said that a hand came out of the bathroom and turned the light out. He said a woman came out and he banged her but the woman went back into the bathroom and Zsa Zsa came out about 10 minutes later. He still doesn't know who that woman was though.

  Gianni also said that he got to wash Marilyn Monroe's hair one time when he was working at a salon one time. He said that she was moaning as he was washing her hair and he ended up getting excited. He had to walk her to the next station but he was popping a tent so it was tough for him to walk. After that she requested that he wash her hair. One Saturday she called him to come over and wash her hair at her hotel room. He spent the whole weekend there with her. He said they probably had sex about 4 or 5 times. She was married to Joe Dimaggio at the time but he doesn't know where Joe was. Gianni said it was just that one weekend that they were together. He only saw her once after that and all she did was smile at him. Howard sounded pretty impressed by that story. Gianni said that he felt bad for Marilyn because they ended up talking about the way their fathers abused them.

  Howard played a little bit of Gianni's CD ''Reflections'' which is big band music with Gianni singing. Howard gave him a plug for that and his web site GianniRusso.com and then went to commercial break.

• More Various Stuff. 02/28/05. 9:55am
  Howard went through a couple of news stories about him. He showed Robin the awful picture of him jogging through the park that he was talking about earlier. Then there was another story about him trying to buy a house in The Hamptons but his offer was turned down because it was too low. Howard said the story wasn't true and he didn't even know what they were talking about. He said a friend of his showed him a nice house that he'd built out there and that's all it was, he just looked at the place and that was it. He didn't even know the place was for sale. There were also rumors that he was selling his house in the Hamptons because his fans are always bothering him out there. He said that's not true either and he's never been bothered by his fans out there.

  Howard talked about the death of Bonnie Raitt's father John. He talked about how much he loved Carousel which he saw a long time ago. He spent a couple of minutes talking about him. Artie told Howard that he went to see Billy Crystal's one man show ''700 Sundays'' and loved it. He told Howard he'd like it too. Howard said that he'd like to go see it but he knows that Billy hates him and he wouldn't want to bum the guy out. Howard quickly mentioned that Sandra Dee had passed away while they were on vacation last week. Robin and Artie told Howard that he should get over his issues with Billy Crystal and just go see his show. Howard said he really doesn't want to get his balls busted by Billy so he won't be going. Howard had Robin start her news after that.

  During the news Howard admitted that he's been reading Oprah Winfrey's magazine and actually enjoys it. He said he was also watching a bit of her TV show while he was on vacation last week. He said he's kind of getting into that whole thing for some reason.

  Captain Janks called in and told Howard he knew Mark ''The Shark'' Drucker pretty well because he used to prank call the show he worked on years ago. Janks said that Drucker actually threw him out of an event one time but he was a good guy because he once told him he always liked Howard even though he was working on a competing show. Janks said he was sorry to hear that Drucker had died. Howard said that no one should ever have Janks do a eulogy because his story was kind of boring.

• No Oscar Party For Howard. 02/28/05. 10:15am
  Howard took a call from a woman Lori Levine who said that they'd missed quite a party last night at the Entertainment Weekly Oscar Party. Lori said that Liza Minelli and Tony Danza showed up together to the party. She was rattling off some of the names of the celebrities that were there but Howard wasn't all that impressed. Howard told Lori that he can't get worked up to go to one of these parties because it's just a bunch of people getting dressed up to watch TV. Howard said it sounded like a bunch of B-list celebrities. Lori also said that they missed out on this great gift basket that included a trip to Paris, a $5,000 bracelet and a bunch of other things. Howard said he might have gone if it wasn't the night before they had to go back to work. Fred was going to go to the party but he didn't get back in town in time. Howard said he figured that if Fred was invited, it couldn't have been that exclusive. Robin went to the party last year but she didn't go back this year. Howard told her that if she sends over that gift basket, maybe he'll go next year. She sarcastically said that it was in the mail. Howard let her go after that so Robin could finish up her news.

  Vinnie Favale called in with some ratings news. He said that they got the highest ratings in 5 years with Chris Rock hosting the Academy Awards. Vinnie also claims that the year David Letterman hosted got the biggest ratings and even Chris Rock couldn't beat that show. Vinnie's phone connection sounded awful so Howard bailed out on the call pretty quick. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later, around 10:40am.

• Cabbie Returns To Work. 03/01/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: ''Inside the Actors Studio with Beetlejuice'' TV show parody, Dave Grohl performing ''Everlong'' live in the studio.

  Howard started off the morning talking about the studio being set up for their upcoming ''Freaky Feud'' game. Howard said that King of All Blacks and his family will be competing against a family of wiggers in the game. Howard also said they had Penthouse magazine model Crystal Klein coming in. Mini Me, his wife Genevieve Gallen and Mark Cronin will be calling in to talk about their divorce. Howard said he wished that he'd gotten dressed for the Freaky Feud game today but he hadn't checked the schedule.

  Howard put out a message to the local ABC station which ran their weather report over the subtitles on ''Lost'' last week. He complained about that and called them ''Dickus'' which led to Howard talking about Cabbie who has returned to work at the radio station. He was right there talking to him this morning when he got to work. Cabbie said that Howard was one of only 2 people who e-mailed Cabbie back when he was in rehab so he's really one of his only real friends. Howard said that Cabbie seems to be okay and realizes that the voices he was hearing in his head were not real. Howard said Cabbie lost 50 pounds in rehab and he's very proud of what he did. Artie said he can't figure out how Cabbie was able to lose weight while he was there.

  Howard watched Oprah's show yesterday and she was bragging that she was the only person to ever have been able to broadcast from the Academy Awards. Howard talked about how Oprah was telling Chris Rock how great he was and how he had some of the highest ratings ever. Howard read that the show actually had some of the lowest ratings in a long time. That led to Howard talking about some of the other stars that were at the Academy Awards. He said that he's kind of falling for Hillary Swank for some reason and he's not sure if it's the trigger face or not. Fred was playing some horse sound effects as Howard was talking about that. Artie and Robin both said that Hillary has a pretty face even though Howard seems to think it's a bit of a horse face.

• Kidd Chris In Philly And Andy's Bread Route. 03/01/05. 6:10am
  Howard played some audio from The Best of Stern where they took everything out and bleeped the crap out of the show because they were using the word ''anal.'' It was chopped up so much that you couldn't even understand what they were talking about. Howard tried to describe the conversation but he couldn't use the word that had been bleeped out. Howard said that he doesn't want the show destroyed like that and he doesn't have to let the station play that stuff.

  Howard said that he talked to Kidd Chris who told him that he's supposed to fly in to Philly to possibly take his spot on the station down there. Kidd Chris apparently said that he doesn't want to take Howard's spot though. He'd rather let someone else take the spot and then he could take it after that person fails. Howard talked about how the whole network of stations is going to fall apart but he doesn't care. He's going to satellite and he doesn't even care if anyone follows him over there. He said he'd like the fans to come but it doesn't matter to him either way.

  A listener by the name of Andy called in and asked if he was hearing a rerun this morning because he was hearing about Cabbie getting out of rehab again. The caller also said he read a nice Q and A interview with Mel Karmazin over the weekend. Howard said he must have missed it so the guy gave Howard a quick rundown of what Mel was saying. The caller also brought up the woman who asked Howard about the Sirius stock prices the other day. He also brought up Chaunce Hayden and said that he apparently doesn't have the words ''No Comment'' in his vocabulary. Howard asked the guy what he was doing today. The guy said he was going to work but there was a lot of snow on the ground this morning. The guy said he was already at work and he has a bread route that he runs. Howard said the guy probably makes like $100,000 a year. The guy said that he actually made about $70,000 last year. Artie said he was once offered a job with a bookie and the bookie told him that if he was ever asked about how he made money, he should say that he has a bread route. Howard said that if he wasn't doing radio, he'd probably have a bread route. The guy said that Howard would be too tall for the truck, he'd be banging his head all the time. Howard thinks that it's a 2 hour a day job and he's making $70,000 so he's got it made. The guy said it's not just 2 hours a day though. Howard let the caller go but continued to talk about the bread route. He said that you need something like a Wonder bread or Peperidge Farm route because it's basically a license to print money. Ronnie the Limo Driver used to have a bread route according to Howard but he had to sell it off for some reason.

• Salty Dog Feet. 03/01/05. 6:25am
  Howard complained about the snow storms that have been hitting the city lately. He said it's just ruining his life for some reason. He said that he's a dog owner and the city puts down salt on the sidewalks. He said that when they do that they use salt that destroys the animal's feet. He ends up carrying his 55 pound bull dog most of the time and it's not easy. He found out that on the East side of the city they don't use the same salt and the stuff doesn't destroy the animal's feet or the sidewalks. Howard said that they should have the same law on the West Side as they do on the East Side of the city. He said he's been putting a gel on the dog's feet trying to keep her from getting hurt. Howard says he wants to contact someone on the East Side and find out how he can get that taken care of where he lives. Fred was telling Howard who he could talk to about getting the problem fixed. Howard said he may have to go to Mayor Bloomberg himself. Fred is a dog owner and he said that he used to have to put boots on his dog's feet because they don't use the animal safe salt in all areas of the East Side. Howard wanted to get all people behind the cause but Robin told him that not everyone loves dogs. Fred was doing an impression of Mayor Bloomberg that was pretty funny but also sounded kind of like his impression of Howard's mother. That got Howard talking about his parents and how funny they are. Howard's father was out shoveling snow even though Howard had hired someone to go over and shovel for them. He said his mother was telling him that his father wanted to shovel the snow himself for some reason. Howard said the guy is like 100 years old and shouldn't be out shoveling snow. He had to take a break after that.

• Death To Clear Channel And Other Stuff. 03/01/05. 6:45am
  After the break Howard played a song from a new record and had Robin try to figure out who it was. Robin wasn't sure if she liked it or not because she was paying attention to it so close she wasn't really sure if she liked it or not. Howard told her that it was someone from their youth that was really big. Artie guessed correctly when he said it was Robert Plant (''Mighty Rearranger''). Robin asked ''what happened'' when she found out it was him. She didn't seem too impressed with the song. Howard said the record company sent it over to them and tried to get them excited about it by saying that ''No, this is not a lost track from Physical Grafitti.'' Artie said that he never would have thought it was a lost track. Howard started doing his impression of Plant and the high notes he used to sing. They had some fun with that for a couple of minutes.

  Howard tried playing some bits they had but the tapes weren't cued up correctly so he had to yell at Sal the Stockbroker and give up on the whole thing. He took a phone call from Erin, a woman who said she works for the city, and was asking Howard how she could help him out with the dog-safe salt thing he was talking about earlier in the morning. Erin said that she would like to do some research to find out if there are any laws about the animal safe salt and if they can do anything about it. He put her on hold to talk to Gary after playing the ''Baba Booey'' Baker Street song parody. Howard said that he'd like to hear them play that song parody at the Knicks games when he's there. That led to him talking about how cool the music is at the games and about some of the games they play when the basketball game isn't going on.

  Howard played tape of a TV show where they had a Toucan on and one of the hosts said that it looked a little bit like Howard Stern. He also had a clip of a news clip where they talked about the death of Mark ''The Shark'' Drucker and mentioned Howard's name. Howard said Mark wasn't a smoker as far as he knew and he doesn't think he ever used drugs either. He apparently died from stomach cancer. Howard played another audio clip about Clear Channel's stock going down after they wrote of a $5 billion loss. Of course Howard's name was mentioned in there because they dropped his show last year. Howard sang ''Die, die, die'' to the tune of Taps for Clear Channel after listening to the clip. He continued to sing about the upcoming death of Clear Channel to some funeral music. Robin told Howard that his singing was just as good as Phantom of the Opera as he was singing his goodbye to Clear Channel. Howard played another audio clip where Clear Channel's loss was mentioned. Howard got back to his singing for a short time and said that eventually the minorities that want to own radio stations will be able to own them when Clear Channel sells off all of the failed stations in a fire sale. Howard had to take another commercial break but he said he liked what he was hearing about Clear Channel. He said he also read that Infinity had to write off $11 billion and that was partially due to him leaving the company. He said he would have stayed if they'd just given him $1 billion. He went to break a short time later.

• Mark Cronin And Genevieve Gallen Argue Over Verne Troyer. 03/01/05. 7:20am
  Howard came back from break and had Sam Kinison (Craig Gass) commenting on the Oscars. The bit was made to sound like it was taped at a comedy club and Sam cracked some jokes about Sean Penn and Jamie Foxx that were very funny. He had Robin and Howard laughing pretty hard.

  Howard had Mark Cronin and Verne Troyer's wife Genevieve Gallen on the phone. Mark was on the line to defend Verne after hearing Genevieve on the show recently. Howard said that Mark wanted to correct a few things she said during her interview but Howard wanted to have her on the line when he did that. Genevieve was talking about the Yoga position that Artie wanted her to do in the studio when she was there but Howard cut her off and had Mark get to his complaints. Mark, the producer of ''The Surreal Life,'' told Howard about the deal he made with NBC to produce a show about Verne where they'd follow him around and do a reality show. He said that Verne is a bachelor who gets out a lot and does all kinds of stuff that a bachelor would do. Genevieve was on the show talking about how she wasn't a gold digger and she really loved Verne. Mark believes that Verne found out that she was using him to advance her career and that's what actually ended the marriage. He believes that when Genevieve found out about the TV show deal, she freaked out and wanted to rush Verne into getting married. A few days later she was in Mark's office waving her ring in his face telling him that the show was going to be all about her and she was going to pull Verne out of the mini-house he was going to be living in. Genevieve said that they had a long engagement and that conversation never happened. Howard said that Mark is a very honest guy and he wanted to know if Genevieve ever went to his office and said all of that. Genevieve said none of that stuff is true and she was asked to go through an annulment. She claims that she was asked to do it early in the morning so there wouldn't be any press there. She also says that she's not all about the publicity but Mark pointed out that she's on the Howard Stern show and on Celebrity Justice talking about this stuff so she is about that.

  Genevieve said that she did nothing like what Mark was saying and there was a woman working for Mark at the time who would probably back up her story. She was also saying that she hadn't rushed to get married like Mark claimed they did. Howard wondered if she thinks that Mark convinced Verne to get single quickly to save the show or something. Genevieve said that she tried to devote everything she had to Verne and she swore on the life of her father that she didn't demand a salary from Mark when she went to his office like he said she did. Mark was also saying that she was demanding to be a producer and costume designer on the show. Howard said that it sounded like Genevieve just wanted to marry the guy and she was just in love with him. He also said that no one could force Verne to marry the woman so he had to have done it willingly. Mark said that some women will lie to guys and tell them that they have to marry them to prove their love to them. Mark said he doesn't believe that Genevieve loves Verne because of the way she handled the whole thing. He said that Verne has been depressed ever since they split up and he believes that Verne really did love Genevieve. Mark says that no one was interested in Genevieve when it came to the TV show so he didn't think it was right for her to start meddling with the show right away. Howard said that he would have liked to have seen all of that going on with the show though. Howard told Mark he should get them married again.

  Genevieve said that she wouldn't support a show where they exploit Verne's alcohol abuse like they've done on ''The Surreal Life.'' Genevieve's father Jeff called in to back up his daughter. He said that his daughter is not a bimbo type of girl and she and Verne really did have a good relationship. Mark was sarcastically saying that Genevieve was probably very down to earth sitting on Hugh Hefner's lap at the Playboy mansion and hitting on the guys that hang out there. Jeff said that everyone in the family loved Verne and even his father who was 88 years old thought that Verne was a great guy. Mark said that Verne is a great guy but now he's a bitter man because of the things that went on with Genevieve. Mark also backed up what he was saying about Genevieve being at the Playboy mansion. He just wanted to point out that Jeff may not know about what his daughter is really up to. Jeff interrupted and said that he and his daughter both thought that this new TV show might be kind of exploitative for little people so they didn't want it to happen. Howard said that it really wasn't up to them though and it's all up to Verne. He had to wrap up after that so he said goodbye to Jeff and started to wrap up with Mark. He had some phone callers who wanted to say some stuff about what was going on. One guy said that it sounds like Mark is the one who wants Verne's money. Mark said that he and Verne have a business arrangement and he's not the one whispering in Verne's ear that he loves him. Genevieve played a tape of Verne leaving a voice mail for her about how much he loves her. That tape was from February of 2004 though.

  Mark and Genevieve went back and forth for a couple more minutes but nothing was being resolved. Howard asked Genevieve what she was wearing to break things up. Howard also asked her if she uses a vibrator on herself before she goes to sleep. She said that she does use something called The Eroscillator that Dr. Ruth suggested using. She wouldn't use it on herself over the phone though. Howard gave Genevieve a plug for her web site and her father's web site, AlgerTheater.org, and started to wrap up but Genevieve told Howard that she has Verne's number and they could have had him on the line to talk about all of this stuff. Genevieve said that Mark and Verne don't have the best relationship and Verne refers to Mark as ''C***Sucker.'' Mark says that he does that in a loving way though.

  Howard read about this Eroscillator vibrator and it looked like an electric toothbrush to him. He spent a short time talking about the vibrator and asked Gary to get the audio clip of Dr. Ruth talking about it so he can play it on the air. Genevieve said she loves the vibrator and she goes through one about every year. Howard asked Genevieve to line up Verne to come on the air with her and he'd moderate. Mark and Genevieve wouldn't stop talking. Howard eventually had to wrap up the arguing and let the two of them go. Howard told Mark he might have blown it because Genevieve would have made a great TV show. Howard said he would have had the camera on her as soon as she walked in Mark's office.

• Time To Play ''Black Freaky Feud.'' 03/01/05. 8:10am
  Howard came back from break and mentioned tonight's E! show and then said he was handed a piece of paper that has lit a fire under his ass. He said he will comment on that after the Freaky Feud game. He then got his wireless microphone and became the host of Black Freaky Feud in honor of Black History Month... a day late. Howard introduced King of All Blacks and his family who were there to compete against a bunch of white boys who were wiggers. King of all Blacks had his cousins Lenard and James with him to play. Howard then moved over to the Wigger family. Howie the Wigger was interviewed first. Howie said he grew up on Staten Island and knows all about the black lifestyle. Chris the Wigger was up next and he says he's got a lot of black friends. Howard asked him if he uses the N-word with his friends. He said he does but he wouldn't say it on the air. Wigger James was up next and said that he's like a black guy because he was raised around black guys.

  Howard explained the game as being just like Family Feud and started it a few seconds later. The first question was ''What is the worst insult to call a black man?'' Number one on the list was ''Nig***'' of course. King of All Blacks side got the first round but couldn't get any of the other answers. The Wigger side blew it as well so the Blacks got the round. Number 5 was Cotton Picker, 4 was Lazy, 3 was Bitch and number 2 was Coon.

  The second round question was ''Name an ugly black woman.'' Chris named Oprah Winfrey which came up at number 3. Lenard gave the name Whoopi Goldberg which was number 1 on the list. Howard went over to the Black family and asked them to name another ugly black woman. King said ''Star Jones'' who came in at number 2. Black James was stumped and couldn't come up with another ugly black woman. They blew it so it went over to the Wigger family. They guessed Queen Latifah but she wasn't on the list so the Blacks got the points. Number 6 was Dionne Warwick, number 5 was Mother Love, 4 was Omorosa from The Apprentice.

  Round three's question was '' Besides the N-word, what name do blacks call each other?'' King came up with ''Dog'' and that came up as number 2. Howard asked the Blacks for more answers and ''Homie'' came up as well as ''Bro or Brother.'' James guessed the N-word but he obviously didn't understand the question. The blacks ended up winning by default when the Wiggers couldn't come up with an answer. The number 5 answer was ''Dude'' and the number 4 answer was ''Man''

  Round four was ''Name a famous black person who acts white.'' The Blacks took it when they got Bryant Gumbel. They blew it after that when they couldn't guess any of the other answers. The Wiggers came up with Tiger Woods and won the round but they only had 22 points while the Blacks had over 100. The other names on the list were Bill Cosby, Cuba Gooding Jr., Oprah Winfrey and Colin Powell. The Blacks won the $2,500 prize so Howard asked them what they were going to do with the money. They all had it spent on useless stuff already.

  Gary came in and said that Zolar was on the phone and wanted to tell Howard that one of the guys, James, is not King's cousin and robbed him, High Pitch Eric and Andrea (Miss Howard Stern) of $10,000 each while they were out in Las Vegas last year. James said that wasn't true and he had some video of Zolar and Andrea (Miss Howard Stern) that he wanted to show to Howard. Zolar said that James took a lot of video and then another company came in and made ''Dopes Go Wild'' and paid Zolar (and the others) their $10,000 each. Howard cut them all off and went to commercial a short time later.

• Joel Hollander's Dig At Stern And Sirius. 03/01/05. 8:40am
  After the break Howard had the article he wanted to talk about. In the article Joel Hollander was quoted as saying the loss of Howard Stern might not be as bad as they think. Howard didn't have a problem with most of what he said. He was saying that they'll be able to try new things and go after new advertisers that have shied away from the Stern show over the years. The thing that Howard didn't like was Joel's little dig to Sirius saying that they were ''Fiscally irresponsible'' for signing the multi million dollar deal to get Stern. Howard said that it's a dig at him and Sirius and he's running a company that just had to devalue itself $11 billion because of them losing him. Gary told Howard that it may have been as much as $18 billion, not just eleven. Howard said that Joel is a bitter guy and he's been asked why he didn't tell them ahead of time that he was going to satellite. Howard said he told him that he can't tell people ahead of time that he was making that move. Howard said that he told Joel on several occasions that he wasn't going to re-up his contract when it expired. Howard said he told Mel Karmazin the same thing when he was still there. Howard claims that Joel came to him and asked him to sign for just a couple more years. He said he didn't see a future there and he wasn't just trying to get money out of them. He had to beg them to put him back on in the markets that Clear Channel yanked him off in. He didn't get as much money as he was getting from Clear Channel at the time either.

  Howard claims that he had been thinking about satellite for a couple of years and when the deal came around, he went for it. He said that Joel tells him one thing when he talks to him privately and then changes his story when he's interviewed. He doesn't know why he has to do that. Robin said that Joel is angry and hurt and he's also got a big problem because Howard is leaving the company. Gary told Howard that one of the guys from Clear Channel was saying that the radio industry was actually ruined by 9/11. Howard wondered why that didn't ruin the TV business as well if that's the case. Gary asked Howard if he ever heard from Joel Hollander after his meeting a couple of months ago. Howard said they finally did hear from him but nothing was taken care of and the show is still being edited in a way he doesn't like. Howard said that he also told the company that he will not be doing his show in the way he has if the new Broadcast Decency bill is signed into law. Howard said that Joel and the company's lawyer, Steve, agreed and said that they understand. Howard will probably just play music for the rest of his contract if that bill passes into law. No one can figure out what they'll be able to say and not say on the air once that bill passes. Howard can't risk financial ruin over that bill. Howard brought up a story about how he could be fined $500,000 for saying ''penis'' on the air but if he dumped nuclear waste in the ocean, he'd only be fined $60,000. That's if the new Broadcast Decency bill passes. The government's priorities are kind of backwards.

  Howard brought up the complaint he had about ABC running the weather forecast over the subtitles on ''Lost'' last week. He said that you can't read the subtitles when they do that crap. He moved on to talk about the Academy Awards for a short time. He read some observations about the award show and talked about some of the weird things that went on. He also talked about how Brian ''Head'' Welch from the band KoRn has left the band because he found Jesus Christ as his savior. That led to Fred playing Robin's version of ''Y'all Want a Single'' for a few seconds.

• Penthouse Pet Crystal Klein Plays Piano Naked. 03/01/05. 9:00am
  Howard had the guys bring in Penthouse Pet Crystal Klein (CrystalKlein.com) who was going to play piano for them. Howard said that she's a good looking girl. She said that Penthouse has gotten a little bit tamer than it used to be. Howard said that Richard Christy is really into her and wanted to sit in the studio while she plays the piano. Richard came in a short time later and talked about how she used to go by a different name. He actually discovered that she was in Playboy at one point and went by Christianna, not Crystal. Richard said that he loves when he finds out stuff like that because she's done some pretty hard core stuff. He hasn't pleasured himself to her this week yet. He will be doing that on Friday night though. Crystal is single right now so Howard was trying to help Richard hooked up with her. Richard told her that he's got a nice studio apartment that she could stay at. She said she'd think about it but she didn't sound serious about it.

  Howard asked Crystal if they could play a game where the guys would have to guess what pop song she was playing so they could win a hug from her. She said that would be fine but she wasn't sure she could just play a song without figuring it out first. Howard asked her about when she lost her virginity and all of that. She said she was 18 when she lost it and she's only 23 now. He also asked her how many guys she's had. She said she's only been with 6 or 7 guys in that short time. She loves sex but she claims she's never done any girls. She claims that she once had sex with her boyfriend up against a wall in a city in Europe somewhere. She said it was pretty hot. Robin asked her what her favorite thing to do sexually is. She said it all depends on her mood. She hasn't been with a guy in about a month now. Richard chimed in and said it's been a year and a half for him. Howard read that she's on anti-depressants since she was 16 years old as well. Crystal said that she went through some tough times when she was a teen. There was no reason for the depression though. Crystal said that it's a disease. Richard asked her if that's why she cheated on her boyfriend. She said that may have had something to do with it.

  Crystal said that she grew up in Austria and it was pretty tough over there. That led to Howard asking her if all of the Austrians hate the Jews over there. She jokingly said that everyone hates the Jews over there. She has never done a Jewish guy as far as she knows. Crystal said she takes a very mild anti-depressant and when she tried to stop it last summer, everything made her cry. Howard told her that she should try this drug ''Peahnis'' that's good for that. Howard checked out some of Crystal's pictures after that. Richard said he had that issue the day it came out. He told Crystal that he looked all over the web when he found out about her. Howard said she has a nice, flat belly, a nice round ass and nice, real breasts. Crystal said that she's doing some work for Danni.com but they don't do any really hard core stuff over there.

  Howard asked Crystal what she was going to be doing for them today. She said she's got a song to perform but she's still working on the lyrics. She was going to be naked while she played the piano. Howard told her that if it got boring, he would go over and tickle her. Crystal said that would offend her if he did that though. She started to get naked and blew Howard away with how great her body looked. Richard said he could see her abs. She was totally naked except for her shoes. Howard asked her how big her breasts were but before she could answer, Richard said that she's a B-cup. He did his research and knew right away. Crystal sat down and played the piano but didn't sing because she didn't know the lyrics. Howard made up his own and sang about Crystal being nude and about her being his ''Arian Nazi girl.'' She cut herself off so Howard wouldn't sing anymore. She was going to perform some classical music but Howard wanted to tickle her while she played. She thought that would be fun so she told him to come over. She tried to play but couldn't get through more than a few seconds before she had to stop because of the tickling. She cursed a couple of times so some of the piano playing was chopped out by the delay button. She told Howard that he could spank her while she played as well so he had her stand up as she played. He played along to the piano playing as if he were a metronome. She kept cursing so the delay kept getting hit. Crystal gave up on the whole thing after the piano stopped working. Howard figured it was Scott the Engineer that screwed it up but Scott said that Howard may have done something to it.

  Howard took some phone calls for Crystal and let some guys talk to her. One guy complained about Richard Christy being boring. Another guy pretended to be Hitler calling in to talk to his bitch. Howard gave up on the calls after just a couple. Howard got back to talking to Crystal about her career and how much money she can make doing what she's doing. She said that she made about $6500 for Penthouse and she's starting up her new web site CrystalKlein.com pretty soon. She thinks that's going to be pretty big. Howard gave her a couple of plugs for her web site CrystalKlein.com, Danni.com and the Penthouse magazine. Doug Goodstein came in with some cooking oil to spray on Crystal. He just wanted to see how she looked and it was the first time they'd done that. Howard liked it because it brought out her abs. Doug then asked her if they could put baby powder on her after that. Robin said that would be like tar and feathering her. Richard just wanted to take her back to his apartment. Howard had to wrap up the interview after that.

• Crystal Klein's Breast Check. 03/01/05. 9:40am
  Coming out of commercial Fred had a clip of Chyna Doll rambling on and on about her last appearance on the show. After that they played Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy's prank call to a Japanese restaurant where they pretended to eat some Wasabe and played Jeff the Drunk's sickening cough to make it sound like they were choking on it.

  Howard said that they had uploaded the pictures of Crystal Klein getting sprayed with cooking oil. He said that Scott DePace came in and told him that she's on his Top 5 list. Artie was interested in hearing the other women on that Top 5 list. Gary said that Scott told him that she was actually his number 1 on that list. Scott the Engineer was in there so Howard wondered what he was doing in there. Scott DePace came in and said that he doesn't have a top 5 list, she's just his number 1. Scott said that he'd like to change her eyes to blue instead of brown but other than that, she was hot. He even liked the accent. Howard said he doesn't dig accents and she talked a little too much but she did have a great attitude. Doug Goodstein came in and said that everyone's head was spinning after that whole thing. Crystal was still there so Doug told Howard that he thinks that she has implants (wink, wink). Howard didn't get it at first but he got the hit after a couple of seconds. Howard wanted to feel her up so he had her come back in. Crystal knew that's why they were saying that to her. She told Howard that she is all natural and she would let the guys touch them to show that they are real. Doug got to go first since it was his idea. Doug felt them and said they did feel like implants to him. Howard went over to her and felt her up. He said he could feel the implant as well and invited Gary over for a third opinion. Gary felt something on one side so Howard told Scott DePace to feel them. Doug wanted to check again and then Richard Christy came in and felt them before Artie went over and felt her up. Artie said he thought they should just keep checking them. Robin said that Fred would be the one who knows. Doug said that maybe Jason wanted to come in and check. Fred was up for feeling her up but Howard had to cop another feel. Fred went over and felt her up and felt something on the right side. Brian from E! came in with a flashlight and shined it through her breast. He said that he saw something going on in there but she insisted that she didn't have any implants. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in with a bigger flashlight and tested her out. Benjy had to get in on it and felt her up from behind giving her ''the Heimler test.'' Howard said it was enough because it was almost like he was having sex with her. Benjy creeped Crystal out so much that it ruined the whole thing. Gary said she actually recoiled when she saw him coming over to her.

  Howard said that Benjy is a buzz kill. Gary said that Benjy gets a really weird look on his face when he looks at a girl. He and Howard both said that she was scared off by him. Doug came back in and said that he thinks she's got ass implants too. Howard said maybe they could check her next time. Doug said that this girl was making his head spin. He said he'd like to bring her home to his wife Marlo. Howard said that Marlo is pretty cute too.

  Howard had a phone caller on the line who said there was some talk of Howard hosting the Academy Awards next year. Howard said that he would be the best host ever but he would turn it down if he was offered the job. He said he would only do it if they paid him $10 million. Howard said he'd have to bring Crystal and her ass out with him on stage. Robin couldn't get over how many guys were swarming around Crystal feeling her up when she was in there. Howard said he didn't feel any lumps in her breasts or anything like that. He said as much as he liked Crystal, he still loves his girlfriend. Last night she made him some Engagement Chicken (Lemon chicken) with potatoes, brussel sprouts and some wine. Howard said he drank the whole bottle of wine and got pretty wasted. He wasn't even able to stay up and watch all of ''The Bachelorette.'' Howard thought that was very romantic when she cooked for him. Robin said it would be even more romantic if they were married. She was just kidding though.

• And Finally... 03/01/05. 10:00am
  Howard took a call from a woman who needed a quote from him about free speech. She's a college student in Ocean County Community College in New Jersey. She's writing a paper for English class and wanted the quote. Howard told her that he'd give her an exclusive quote if she agreed to come down and get spanked in the studio. She said she's not too proud of her ass so Howard asked her to show them her boobs. She agreed to that and said she'd come down. Howard put her on hold so they could set up the visit.

  Ralph called in and asked Howard why he didn't do something for ABC as an Oscar pre-show since he has a deal with them to do a show. Howard said no one will talk to him so that's why he hasn't done anything. He asked his buddy David Letterman to do the show but even he turned it down. That led to Howard talking about Gary Garver who went and interviewed some people at a Night of 100 Stars event. Garver asked one woman about doing an interview with Howard. She said that she's always wanted to do the Stern Show but her publicist won't let her do it. Garver also asked Laura Linney about censorship and Howard Stern but her publicist yanked her away when Garver asked her a question about Howard. Howard said that's why he'll never be able to take Barbara Walters' spot on ABC. No one will talk to him.

  Vinnie Favale called in to talk about the Barbara Walters special that was on Sunday night. She had a 13 share national rating but ''60 Minutes'' had a 10 share that night. The guys were arguing about whether or not they were as high as they should have been. Vinnie started to complain about Ralph's phone being ''too loud'' as if it was over amplified or something (the way it should sound). Howard hung up on Vinnie and spent a few more minutes talking about the Academy Awards and some of the stars that were there. Howard cut Ralph off a short time later and had Robin start her news.

  Bong Hit Eric called in and told Howard that Crystal's ass looked good on his web site. Eric ended up asking Artie if he ever went skitching (getting dragged through the snow while hanging on the back bumper of a car) during the winter. Artie said he did that when he was young but Howard told a story about a friend he had who was skitching and fell on his face which messed him up pretty good. Howard had Robin finish up her and they ended the show around 10:45am.

• Government Wants Satellite And Cable Regulated. 03/02/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: A Jim Florentine ''Terrorizing Telemarketers'' prank call, Sheryl Crow performing ''If It Makes You Happy'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the morning talking about how everything aggravates him and how he really has to calm down. He said that yesterday someone sent him an article about how Senator Ted Stevens has been pushing to get decency regulations for satellite and cable programming. He said that news reporters were saying that ''Howard Stern won't be able to do his show if this goes through...'' Howard believes that this all has to do with him and it's not just going to be his show. If something like that happens, shows like The Sopranos and everything else on cable will be regulated. Then they'll start regulating magazines like Playboy and Penthouse. Howard wonders how he got so important and why this is happening. Howard played a news report about the whole thing and no one seems to get that it's not just about him, it's about the freedom of everyone in the country. Howard wonders if some company like Clear Channel has so much power that they're pushing the government to start going after satellite and cable because they're afraid of satellite radio. Howard said buying satellite radio, satellite TV and cable are all things that people purchase and they have to willingly go out and pay for it. It's the same as buying a newspaper, a magazine or a porn movie. You're free to do what you want in this country and if they start regulating something like that, we lose are freedom.

  A listener called in and said that he's able to regulate what his kids watch and there's even more racy stuff on MTV than there is on Howard's show. Howard said he's never seen anyone more focused on than himself. It almost seems like the government is targeting him and creating laws based on him. He said that they're trying to change the entire free press and free speech because of what he's doing. They got him off of terrestrial radio and now that he has somewhere to go to do his thing, they're coming after that industry. Howard said he just wants to entertain his fans.

  Howard said that there was a survey done that said that not all of his fans are going to follow him over to satellite when he moves. He said that people like that have always bet against him in his career and they've always been wrong. He said that maybe he will fail, but he doesn't think so. Howard said that ever since he made his announcement about going to Sirius, everyone is talking about satellite radio and mentioning his name when they report on the company. Howard said that when he first started out no one had ever heard a show like his. Now the government is trying to make his show sound like the morning zoo shows out there. Howard got the article he was talking about earlier and said that they found that only 1 out of 5 people who listen to his show are going to follow him over. They said that 41 percent are undecided at this point but they could be coming over. 37 percent of the people polled said that they won't follow Howard over. Howard believes that those people may buy a new car some day and they may be offered Sirius as an option and then they will probably come over. He doesn't believe that he's going to fail even though these reporters think he will. Howard brought up how Joel Hollander of Viacom knocked him at a conference recently even after they'd just devalued the company because they lost Howard Stern.

  Howard played a new bit where they talk about ''The Knob'' a new feature that allows people to get away from things they don't want to hear on the radio. It's available on every radio, everywhere. He played another clip from something that sounded like it was made back in the 1950's about homosexuals picking up young kids. Howard said that the bit was shown in schools years ago and was endorsed by the government. He said it's no wonder gays are beat up and killed after hearing that. Howard had to take his first commercial break after that.

• Howard's Gay Behavior. 03/02/05. 6:35am
  Howard came back from break and played a clip of this chick who records sexy tapes for guys to get off to. She used to be known as Jessy Demoaner but now she's known as Heidi Cortez. Howard said that she'll be in later in the morning. Howard played a phone call that she made to a pizza place where she asked them to send a note along with the pizza her boyfriend was going to pick up. She asked them to write the note and then started to moan as the guy was reading it back to her. The guy asked her to make sure she asked for him when she came in to pay for the product. When she asked the guy if his penis was purple, he hung up on her. Howard played another clip of her doing one of her Sexxxy Noises tapes and played along with it. He said that he had to turn Beth down for sex last night so he could watch ''The Bachelorette'' finale. He said that the show dragged on forever. Robin said that she couldn't even report on The Bachelorette yesterday because Howard hadn't watched the finale yet. Howard put in a whole season of the show and he didn't want her to ruin it for him. He said that it was just the same crap over and over again for 3 hours. The Bachelorette ended up turning down both guys at the end of the show. Robin said that it should be mandatory that she marry someone at the end of the show. Howard talked about how annoying the chick was on that show and how she was giving the same rap over and over again throughout the season. Robin said she was constantly arguing with the guys and Howard said it made you want to drown her. Both of the guys proposed to the woman and she turned both of them down. Howard said that Beth thought that one of the guys was really hot. Howard said that the Bachelorette, Jen Sheft, wasn't all that hot and she was really annoying. Robin wondered how Howard could watch a show of retards week after week so Howard said that's what their whole show is based on.

  Howard had to stay up to watch American Idol last night as well so Artie told Howard that if a judge had to prove Howard was gay, he'd have plenty of evidence. The only thing that would save him is the fact that he's with Beth. Howard said that he and Beth make love a lot but he had to watch American Idol and turned it down last night. Robin said that she could TiVo the show and watch it later but Howard said Beth was coughing and stuff so he didn't want to get involved anyway. Double A called in a short time later and told Howard he shouldn't be turning down a hot chick like that when she's in bed with him. He's afraid that Howard is turning gay. Double A was describing what Beth was wearing on her Spike TV show that he watched last night. Howard said that Beth does wear some of her own clothes on that show so it could have been something that she wears at home. Double A made it sound like he'd been spying on Howard and Beth in his apartment when he described what she was wearing. Double A asked Howard not to do anymore gay stuff. Artie pointed out that Double A was the guy in a speedo, getting spanked by the RoboSpanker so he could meet The Rock.

  Howard talked about how he sometimes shaves down his hair down below but he's not doing it as much these days because he's made it look like a plucked chicken before. Howard wanted to talk more about that stuff but he knew that the delay was going to hit. He said he might have to save that for when they go to satellite. Howard told Gary to put that on the list of things he wants to talk about when they move over there.

  A listener called in and told Howard that the advertisements that terrestrial radio stations are doing where they advertise how you hear the music first on radio are not effective. The guy said that satellite radio is still radio so they're kind of wasting their time. He said that they should be advertising the fact that they're free because that's the only advantage they have right now.

  Howard said that Mötley Crüe is coming in later in the show and he's got a lot of notes on the guys. They've done so much in their lives that it seems like it's ''too wild.'' Robin said that Tommy Lee isn't even the craziest of the bunch. She said that she feels sorry for the woman who is with Vince Neil for some reason. She wants someone to go rescue her. Howard played some more of the Sexxxy Noises tapes and said that he doesn't think that the idea of those tapes took off. Robin said that they're not that interesting and the most interesting thing she did was the prank call Howard played a little earlier. Howard had to take another commercial break after that.

• Various News, E-mail And More. 03/02/05. 7:10am
  After the break Howard played some clips that the Sexxxy Noises chick, Heidi Cortez, made for each of the guys on the show. In them she talks about their issues but says she'd suck on their c**k's anyway just because they work for The Howard Stern Show. Howard played a prank call Heidi made to a chicken place. She asked for only thighs and breasts and then started coming on to the guy on the phone. She was describing herself to him as he was taking her order. He invited her to come over to check him out. She had him calling her a dirty whore on the phone as she was moaning. She couldn't offend the guy even after she asked him if he looks like a ''carmel colored piece of s**t.'' The delay was hit at least one time during the time Howard was playing the tape. The guy eventually hung up on Heidi.

  Howard read a story about a guy with Cerebral Palsey who was hired by Wal-Mart and is now saying that he was asked to pick up trash and shopping carts but he didn't think he was hired for that so he's saying he was discriminated against. The guy apparently won a $7.5 million court case because of that.

  There was another story about how there's a new law that says they can't give the death penalty to people who murder people when they're under the age of 18. He read the story about this 17 year old kid who killed a woman and her young child so he could rob the woman's house and they can't give him the death penalty. The story pointed out some of the other people who were underage when they killed people so Howard pointed out that these guys won't die but if he says the word penis on the air, he could be fined half a million dollars if that Broadcast Decency bill passes. Scott the Engineer came in and tried to add to the discussion but Howard and Robin didn't understand why he was even in the studio. They didn't get why he was talking about. Scott had a little trouble getting his thoughts out so Howard told him to go back to his studio and stare at Sal, Richard and Dan the Song Parody man.

  Howard read some e-mail he got about his discussion about salt that he had yesterday. There was one weird e-mail from someone who thought that Howard didn't care about that stuff before he was a dog owner but now that he is, he thinks that the whole city should be changed. Howard said he wasn't aware of it until he became a dog owner so the e-mail didn't make any sense. Howard said that the animal safe salt is not only good for the pets, it also saves the tax payers money because it doesn't damage the sidewalks like regular salt does. Robin was trying to explain what the writer was saying but Howard told her that she was making about as much sense as Scott the Engineer was.

  Howard read through some other e-mails after that. There were some people who saw annoying Jamie on the E! show and want to date her. There was also a woman who said she's a friend of Jamie's who says she does get men and she wants them to check her out. Howard quickly went through some other mail. Some people wrote in about Mini Me's wife Genevieve Gallen and Mark Cronin's phone calls to the show yesterday. Some people thought that Mark Cronin came off as an a-hole when he called yesterday and Genevieve came off pretty cool. Someone also wrote in and said that James Brown mentioned Howard's name in his new book and he says that the FCC should leave him alone.

• Gary Garver At Night Of 100 Stars. 03/02/05. 7:35am
  Howard played some tape of Gary Garver interviewing some people at a Night of 100 Stars. He got a quick one with Larry Hagman. He asked him a few questions about whether or not he's a role model, a Bush supporter and if he's ever slept with a black woman. Hagman stuck around and answered his questions without a problem. He said he thinks he's a good role model, he doesn't support Bush and he's never slept with a black woman. He was also asked about Howard Stern. Hagman said that he doesn't listen to him much but he will probably listen to him when he's on Sirius because he's got 3 Sirius units already. He said he'll tune him in and check him out when he makes the move. Howard and the guys talked about how cool Hagman is.

  Howard said that Gary Garver ran into Gary Busey at the event he was at. Garver asked Busey if he believes that he's a good role model. Busey thought about it for a few seconds and said he's not one to judge that but he is a good role model. Howard said that Busey is a great interview. Busey was asked if he would go to the war in Iraq if he was drafted. Gary said that it was a stupid question because there is no draft. Garver asked him a few more questions but Busey wondered what he was doing. Busey walked away after he was asked if he ever slept with a black woman.

  Garver got an interview with James Cromwell and asked him the same basic questions that he'd asked the other guys. Garver also asked if it was right to have a party like they were at while thousands of our troops are being killed in an unnecessary war. The guy said that it is kind of obscene that they're having a party like that while stuff like that is going on. Howard said he likes this guy. Artie said he worked with the guy for about a month on a movie and he's a cool guy. Gary came in and told Howard about some of the other stuff the guy has done. He was in some Star Trek movies so Howard and Robin were talking about that a little bit. They talked about how he played the character that invented the Warp Speed thing. Howard got back to the interview that Garver did with him and Cromwell hung in there through the whole thing. Cromwell said that he has slept with a black woman.

  Howard had tape of Garver interviewing George Lopez who kissed Howard's ass for a good minute or so. Lopez said that he thinks radio is really going to take off when Howard moves to Sirius. He said Howard is like no other guy that has ever been on radio. Howard said he wasn't even sure who Lopez was but he might be a fan now. He might have to start watching his TV show. Artie said that the guy is funny and he's a fellow comedian. Gary came in and told Howard that Lopez really does like him, he met him one time on Hollywood Squares. Howard gave him a shout out and thanked him for the kind words. He also joked that he hopes he gets his citizenship soon. He had to take another commercial break after that.

• Sexxxy Noises Heidi Cortez Comes In. 03/02/05. 8:00am
  After the break Howard replayed Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy's prank call to a Japanese restaurant where they taste some Wasabe and end up playing Jeff the Drunk's sickening cough as if they were choking on the stuff. He also replayed the old homosexual warning tape that he played early this morning where they talk about homosexuality as being a sickness that can't be seen like small pox.

  Howard brought in Heidi Cortez who used to be known as Jessy Demoaner. Howard figured she'd be a pig after hearing her Sexxxy Noises tapes (SexxxyNoises.com) but when he met her the first time he was blown away by how good she looked. Heidi said that Heidi is her real name so that's what she's going by these days. The Sexxxy Noises tapes actually sold pretty well according to Heidi. She said that there were 2 other girls on the CD other than her but she's not really sure how many sold. She said she just recently bought the rights to the CDs and will be selling them on her own now. Howard played an example of one of her clips and asked her if guys are supposed to talk back to the tapes. She said that they can do that and some DJs will actually take them and mix in the clips at clubs and stuff like that. Howard said he likes when she and Robin have sex together. He played the clip where they inserted Robin's voice into a Sexxxy Noises clip so it sounded like they were doing each other. The delay was hit a couple of times while Howard was playing the tape.

  Howard asked Heidi when she last had sex. She said it was about a month ago because she doesn't have a boyfriend right now. She also told Howard that she's on Playboy.com now so you can check her out and play her clips along to the pictures. She said the pictures actually go along with the CDs. Howard asked her why she changed her name to Heidi Cortez because it's kind of Spanish sounding. She said that she is part Hispanic and it's her real name. Howard said that kind of reminded him of John Mellencamp who went from Johnny Cougar to his real name of John Mellencamp. Howard asked her to pretend that she was at a tanning salon and she would ask him to get naked and get on top of her. They did a little role playing and acted out the sex scene. Heidi offered to rub lotion all over Howard so he asked her to pop a zit on his back. Doug Goodstein came in and asked Heidi to get into a bikini or get sprayed down with some cooking oil. She wasn't into that today though. Howard said she must have gained 10 or 15 pounds and that's why she didn't want to get naked. She said she knew that he was just trying to get under her skin and she doesn't want to get naked because they have the uncensored shows available now. Howard told Doug to get out of the studio because he ruined the tanning salon thing. He killed the mood and Heidi couldn't get back into it.

  Howard played a bit they put together using Heidi's clips and some clips of Don Imus. Howard said that this girl is fun because she was doing prank calls for them yesterday. He asked her to get back into the tanning salon thing so they could try and forget about what Doug Goodstein had just done. The two of them got back into it and did their tanning salon act. Heidi kind of lost her motivation for some reason and Howard was getting kind of upset. Artie thought it was funny because Heidi was making Howard buy lotion in his own fantasy. Heidi said that Doug pissed her off when he came in earlier so that's what threw her off. She eventually got back into it but Howard was done and gave up on it a short time later.

  Howard replayed some of the prank calls Heidi made. He replayed the one where she called a pizza place and told the guy to write down a note to give to her boyfriend who was going to pick up the pizza. Howard gave her a plug for her web site SexxxyNoises.com and for Playboy.com where she's a featured model right now. Howard checked out some of her Playboy pictures and asked Heidi what kind of guys she likes. She doesn't like big, beefy guys but she does like them to be ''cut.'' Howard also asked her if she's ever had to lotion up a guy like she was pretending to do earlier. She said she actually did do that one time in her tanning salon. She said the guy had spent a ton of money at her salon and she did that to thank the guy. She owns her own tanning salon and she's only 23 years old. She told Howard that she's been a fan of his since she was about 11 years old and she's listened ever since. Heidi said that she developed pretty early and guys have always thought she was older than she really was.

  Doug Goodstein came back in and told Howard that Heidi's friend wants to meet Mötley Crüe and she's willing to do ''anything'' to meet them. Howard had the guys bring her in so they could check her out. Heidi said she looks like Tara Reid and she's an exotic dancer. Howard said she really does look like Tara Reid but with a better body. Howard told her that the band would probably do her if she wanted them to. Heidi wasn't willing to do anything as far as getting naked for them so Howard wondered why that was. Howard wanted her to just get into a school girl outfit but she refused to do that. Doug told Howard to say that if Heidi didn't get into a bikini, her friend wouldn't be able to meet Mötley Crüe. Howard thought that was brilliant and told Heidi that she had to get into the bikini for her friend to meet the band. Heidi said that was pretty harsh because she's a good friend.

  Howard took a call from a phony Arnold Schwarzenegger who wanted to help Howard out by telling the girls that they should get naked. It wasn't working and the accent was a bit off this morning. Gary thought there was something going on with her and she must be hiding something not to get naked for them. She said that she's just very nervous. Last time she was on she said she almost threw up because she was so nervous. Heidi's friend Annette said she was willing to get naked but Heidi wasn't playing along so Howard was going to bail out. Jason came in and told Howard that he'd just spoken to Mike Hunt, the President of HowardStern.com, who said that they could put her pictures up on the front page of the web site if she got into a bikini. Heidi still wasn't into it so Howard started to wrap up the interview. Annette said she hates Heidi because she's a Playboy model and she won't even get into a bathing suit. She started to cry because she wasn't going to be able to meet the band. Heidi said she just can't do it. Howard eventually convinced Heidi to take her shirt off so she was there in a bra. She also agreed to pull her pants down so they could see her ass. She said she doesn't like her legs so that's why she was hesitating so much. Annette was going to get naked and Heidi agreed to take her top off so they could see her bra. Howard told Heidi that she had a beautiful body and she shouldn't be ashamed. Annette was looking good according to Artie and Howard. Howard said there was nothing wrong with Heidi's body but Artie joked that he saw something. He was just kidding around. Heidi said she cares what Howard and the guys think so that's why she didn't want to do this. Howard told Annette that she was going to meet Mötley Crüe and wondered why Heidi was so uptight about showing her body. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and took a break. You can check out Heidi at HeidiCortez.com, SexxxyNoises.com and Playboy.com

• Mötley Crüe Visit. 03/02/05. 8:55am
  After the commercials Howard said that the band Mötley Crüe was there... but Tommy Lee wasn't with them. Artie laughed and said ''So the most famous guy isn't here?'' The rest of the band came in a short time later to meet Heidi Cortez and her friend Annette who was there to meet her favorite band. Howard introduced the guys to the girls and the delay was hit within a few seconds after one of the guys cursed. Howard let Annette say what she wanted to say to the band. She showed the guys her breasts after telling them that they were one of her favorite bands. Mick Mars was able to fix a neck problem he claimed to have as soon as Annette's top came off. Mick said that he has a disease that makes it hard for him to turn his head. He said that the bones basically fuse together. He said it's a genetic thing and it's more popular over in Europe than it is over here.

  Howard let Annette and Heidi leave so he could talk to the guys in the band. They told Howard that Tommy was out sick and Nikki said he was borderline pneumonia. Mick has the neck problem but he claims he can still play. Howard gave the guys a plug for their album ''Red, White, & Crue'' and said that they've added a bunch of dates to their tour. Howard wondered if Tommy Lee was being a pain in the ass and that's why he wasn't there this morning. The guys said Tommy has been fine... So far, and they don't have any problems.

  Howard read some stories about the guys and said that Nikki once tried to have sex with Tommy Lee's mother. He wondered why he would jeopardize the band by doing something like that. Nikki said that Tommy's mother was a MILF and really hot. He told Howard how he tried to get her and how Tommy really didn't care. Tommy's dad didn't even care and told him to go for it if he could get her. He never did get her. Howard read some other stuff about the band. He brought up a story about how the guys were all with Ozzy Osbourne when he snorted a line of live ants. There was a story about Nikki cutting himself with a knife and blaming it on his mother to try and get her out of the house so he could live alone. He said it kind of worked out eventually. Howard read that Nikki used to date Richard Pryor and she was a backup singer for Frank Sinatra. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about his mother and read that he was smoking pot when he was 7 years old. There was also a story about how Nikki would beat rabbits with a stick to kill them. Nikki said that's the kind of things they do on a farm and it was normal for him. Nikki also talked about his father that he never really got to know. He said he found him at one point in his life but his father didn't want to know him. Howard read that Nikki once went out with Demi Moore and he turned down the chance to go back to her house.

  There were some other stories about the band and how there was a lot of bad blood in the old days. The guys all admit that they've had STDs of some type during their lives. Mick said he couldn't remember what he had. Vince said they used to have doctors come in and give them shots of penicillin just in case they had something. Nikki is still married to Donna D'Errico and he claims that she's really into Howard. He said she really digs his hair. Nikki talked about his family life and how he's a good dad for his son Gunner. Gary came in and said that Donna told a story one time about how she and Nikki had a threesome one time and the woman they were with may or may not have been a woman. Nikki told his side of the story and said that Vince had slept with the chick the next night and it wasn't a guy. That led to Howard talking to Vince about the porn tape that was released featuring him and Janine Lindemulder. Howard thought that Mick was one of the more normal guys in the band but Nikki said that he's the most deranged one in the band.

  Vince said that he was actually with Pam Anderson before Tommy Lee was. Howard said they're a very incestuous band. He read a note about how Vince was able to have sex with a woman when he was in jail. Vince said that the guards were fans of his and they would just turn their heads when the woman came to visit. Howard said he finds it interesting that Nikki can get his wife into threesomes. Nikki said it wasn't a great experience and it was just a one time thing. Nikki said he's going to hand the baton off to his son so Howard told him that he should have him sleep with Tommy Lee's mother. Nikki told Howard that he really loves being in this band and he knows there are guys out there who are thinking they'd love to be in the band as well.

  Howard got to some of the stuff about Mick. He read that Mick shot a woman in the stomach accidentally one time. Mick said he got away with just paying her off $10,000 for the accidental shooting. There was also a story about a $10 million palimony suit against Mick that's pretty new. Mick claims that he's really not worth all that much and said he's only worth about 20 bucks. He said he really doesn't have a clue. Artie asked him to figure it out by thinking about how many people he could afford to shoot. Mick said he's going through this palimony suit right now so he can't really talk about that. Gary came in and said that he heard a story about the guys being out with Slash of Guns N Roses and Velvet Revolver one night. When he passed out, the guys tea bagged him and took pictures. Nikki told Howard that Slash was warned not to pass out around them. He said that Slash made the mistake of passing out so they took his laminate back stage pass and cut it up. When they made the new one, they'd used the tea bagging pictures and Slash had to wear the new laminate back stage because they were the support band at the time.

  Howard took a few phone calls for the guys and let some people talk to them. One guy said that they have a camera that they put on the crowd to get women to take their tops off. They show the video on a big screen so everyone can see it. At one point Nikki gave out Tommy Lee's cell phone number and no one bothered to hit the delay button. Howard didn't even realize it because he was reading their plug at the time. You can get tickets for their concert tour at AOLCityGuide.com. Howard also played a song off their new album ''Red, White, & Crue'' and told the guys that they were a great interview. He took some more phone calls after that. One guy said that these guys were a great interview and they should be on every week. Howard said they're too busy to do that.

  Robin brought up all of the reality TV stuff that Vince was doing on TV and how disturbing it was. Vince had some plastic surgery that was televised. Nikki said he couldn't watch it because he didn't want to see Vince's face ripped off. Bong Hit Eric called in and wanted to take a hit for the band. The guys said they were never really into pot, they were into the harder stuff. Eric took a hit and started to cough a bit. Gary asked the guys what happened after Vince cursed on Jay Leno's show on New Years Eve. Vince said they didn't know anything until the next day but now they've been banned from NBC because of it. Ralph called in and said that the best part about the band is that they do a show for you. These days there's not that much of a show being put on. Nikki said there are some new bands coming out who are into stuff like that so it might be coming back. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and thanked the guys for coming in.

• Playmate Jillian Grace Offered A Movie Role. 03/02/05. 9:50am
  Howard came back from break and told Robin to start her news even though he had a bunch of other things to get to. He said that every show has to have an end. Robin wasn't quite ready so the guys ended up talking about Benjy's raw food diet and how he bailed out on it after just a short time. Fred said that he was eating a ton of food even though it was raw vegetables and fruit. He was also bringing in Costco sized Jell-O cups and he'd eat about 20 of them within a short time and then he'd run out and get more during the show.

  Howard said he had Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace (JillianGrace.net) on the phone to talk about how she got her first movie script. Howard said that Artie predicted all of this stuff for her and it's all coming true. The last time she was on the show she revealed that she slept with Pauly Shore. Jillian said that she was given this script and it's still in the development stages so she can't talk about what it's about. She thinks it's legitimate but Howard and Artie aren't so sure about that. Howard said that it's premature to be casting for the movie but she doesn't know that. Gary wondered who is looking out for Jillian because no one is checking this guy out to make sure he's legitimate. She said that there are some big names that are attached to the movie but she didn't want to say who they were. Howard and the guys told her it was okay to say who was attached to it because she didn't say what the movie was. Her mother was telling her not to say anything about it though.

  Jillian said that she's going to be at a club on Long Island (Hurricane O'Mallys, 1702 Middle Country Rd, Centerreach, NY) on Friday to do a signing for her Playboy issue. Howard spent a short time talking to her and told her to call them once she has her meeting with the guy about the movie. Howard let her go and talked about how he'd like to set up a meeting with a phony producer where she'd read for a phony Godfather movie. Gary said that it's obvious that they don't need to see Jillian for this part so early because they're not supposed to film until summer. She's probably got a peripheral part that doesn't even have a name and they want to look at her already. Gary said no one is going to put her in the lead role of a movie because she has no acting experience. Fred played the theme from ''The Godfather'' while Artie acted out a scene from the movie as if he were Jillian Grace reading for the part. After that Robin was ready to go with her news.

• And Finally... 03/02/05. 10:15am
  Howard came back from a commercial break during Robin's news and mentioned that there's a new article by Richard Christy on HowardStern.com called ''I Touched Boobs.'' He also mentioned that he has a bunch of tickets to give away to this Comedy Love Call show that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was in to promote recently. He said he'd be doing that on tomorrow's show since he was out of time today. Robin finished up her news after that. Howard ended the show around 10:35am.

• Howard's Red Carpet Review. 03/03/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Baba Booey Led Zeppelin song parody, Captain Janks prank calls Rosie O'Donnel as Mayor Rendel, the Black Crowes performing ''Jealous Again'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard and Gary started off the morning talking about Joan and Melissa Rivers red carpet coverage from the Academy Awards the other night. gary was pointing out how Melissa seems to have marbles in her mouth when she talks. He had some audio for Howard to play as an example. Howard played the clip and said that she makes him absolutely insane because she starts out okay but she gets worse as the night goes on. Howard played another clip where Melissa just had to talk about a gift that she'd bought for someone's kid after her mother interviewed the woman. There was another clip where Joan was making a joke about Jose Canseco but she had no idea who he was and mispronounced his name. Gary was having some problems speaking this morning as well because his throat was filled with phlegm so Howard told him he had to clear it out. Howard played some more clips of Melissa talking about the new telestrater she had to play with. In one clip Gary told Howard that Joan tries talking abut her voice starts to change for no reason. Howard played the clip and it sounded like she'd inhaled helium or something. Artie said it sounded like she was turning into Eric the Midget.

  Gary also had some tape of Star Jones from the red carpet. Howard was going to play some of that but first had to talk about who he thinks would be a good replacement for Star since she sucks at the job. Howard thinks that Oprah Winfrey's friend Gale King would be great. He thinks that E! will steal his idea and hire her now that he's mentioned her. Gary and Artie had no idea who she was though. Howard got back to the audio clips of Star and played her awful jokes. Kathy Griffin was complimenting Star saying that she looked beautiful even though everyone knows that she's not. Gary said that Star had diamonds in her hair but she weighs 300 pounds. Star went on to describe everything she was wearing as if someone cared. Howard said that he just read that Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are apparently getting married but Denise is 6 months pregnant and has a year old child. Howard said that Sheen is his hero and he must have done something wrong for her to split up with him. Artie said that Sheen isn't marriage material because he's pretty sure he once said that he doesn't pay hookers to come over, he pays them to leave. Howard talked about how the two of them have been on TV shows talking about how much they love each other. He said he seems to think that Denise is kind of dumb and he's surprised that she doesn't know that Charlie is nuts himself. Howard knows that it's hard to resist when you're famous and chicks are coming on to you all the time. Charlie just can't resist for some reason. Howard wonders if Charlie has any conscience at all. He was also wondering who is going to want Denise Richards now that she's got two kids. Artie said he'd take her. Robin said she'll probably end up with someone like Benjy. Howard got back to the Star Jones tapes and played her interviewing Spike Lee. Spike was saying that ''Folks got to win something tonight'' like it was mandatory that some black people won awards. Howard had to take a break right after that.

• Omarosa Argument Audio And More. 03/03/05. 6:35am
  After the break Howard replayed the Sam Kinison (Craig Gass) review of the Academy Awards show. Howard played the clip on Tuesday as well. That led to Howard talking about the movie ''Ray'' because Fred pointed out that it made Ray Charles seem like he was ''Super Ray'' because he was able to do super human things. Howard said it did kind of come off that way now that he thinks about it. Fred hasn't seen ''The Aviator'' or ''Million Dollar Baby'' yet but he doesn't think that ''Million Dollar Baby'' should have won anyway. Artie said he hasn't seen the movie yet either but he's heard about what happens at the end on three talk shows so far. He already knows what happens. Howard thought that ''The Aviator'' was great and DiCaprio should have won Best Actor. Howard thought Martin Scorsese should have won for Best Director as well. He couldn't figure out why the guy has been screwed over so many times.

  Howard had some audio tape of Omarosa, from The Apprentice, arguing with a FOX news host, Linda Vesser, about who knows more about TV than the other. The news host said that she'd been in the TV business longer than Omarosa was but Omarosa said that she doesn't know her credentials and she probably has more than she does. Omarosa bragged that she has a masters in radio and television which Howard thought was a big waste of time. Howard said that communications is the easiest thing to study. He talked about his days at Boston University and how he really learned nothing in those classes. Robin said that Omarosa was basically saying that she wasted 8 years studying and getting her degrees in communications. Howard finished up the clips of Omarosa's interview but the show came across as being awful. Robin said that Linda was so busy trying to get her point across that she didn't get to the point. Gary told Howard that they had to cut the clip down because it was 7 minutes long and he had to leave some of it out. Gary said the only thing he learned from the clip is that Omarosa spent 11 years getting her degree in communications.

• Tommy Lee Bad Mouths Howard. 03/03/05. 6:50am
  Howard took a phone call from a guy up in Seattle who said that Tommy Lee was on a station bad mouthing Howard after he'd spoken to Motley Crue. The caller had tape of Tommy's interview where he called about Howard's show being awful and how he's over it and didn't want to appear with the rest of the band. Howard said Tommy is a guy who dresses up like an alien at his wedding and pushes his wife around and he's talking about how Howard's show is only about B.S. Howard said that the guys from Motley Crue were a lot of fun. Howard heard about the Tommy Lee thing so they called his manager and asked him what was up. The manager apparently thanked them for putting Tommy on the show during the years that he couldn't get on any other show. Howard figures that Tommy has some kind of imbalance because there's nothing that he can think of that would have driven him over the edge. Gary said that Tommy has an open door to come on the show at any time so he can't figure out what happened. Robin said this did happen one other time when he and Pam were fighting. He's bad mouthed the show in the past but eventually comes back on. Howard was thinking that Tommy just didn't want to do anything with the rest of the guys in the band but Gary said they've been doing all kinds of press together so that's not the case. Howard said that Tommy should have come on the show and told him that stuff to his face instead of calling another show to say what he said. He said he'd respect him if he did that instead of calling some other show and saying that his show is B.S. Robin said that Tommy will be back eventually. It's a pattern she's seen before. Howard said that Tommy is just a fake and she's probably right.

  Howard brought up Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen again and read an article about their pending divorce. Howard quickly read an e-mail from someone who wanted to hear the ''Dear Rodney'' tribute song to Rodney Dangerfield. Fred played it since he had it ready to go already. After the song they went right to commercial break.

• Congressman Joe Barton's Ties To Clear Channel Revealed. 03/03/05. 7:10am
  Howard came back from break and replayed a prank call that Gary the Retard made to a chicken place but the chicken place ended up turning it around on him and goofed on him instead. They also played a news clip about how there's a senator out there trying to pass laws to get satellite and cable covered under FCC broadcast indecency rules. Howard's name is always brought up when stories like that are mentioned. Howard and Robin pointed out that it's not just Howard who has to ''watch out'' because it's going to effect the whole country if they start regulating stuff like that. Howard said that Neal Cavuto interviewed congressman Joe Barton about the subject and asked him how he can support something like that. Howard said he thinks that these guys must have ties to Clear Channel or something to be pushing for this so hard. Barton was talking about the Broadcast Decency bill that they're trying to get passed so they can raise the fines to half a million dollars. Barton was also talking about how they can apply those fines to cable and satellite services. Cavuto was saying that people know what they're getting when they pay for a cable or satellite service and those rules shouldn't apply to those services. Barton says that he should be able to buy a cable or satellite service and his kids should be ''safe'' from obscene programs. There are things out there that will block channels that you don't want so Barton's explanation was pointless. Gary came in and said that number 11 Joe Barton's contribution list is Clear Channel. Clear Channel gives money to him and now Howard believes that they have something to do with him pushing for these rules to be applied. Howard said that's what these interviewers should be asking Barton about. Howard said this guy should be looking into things other than decency on TV and radio. There are many things going on out there that he could be concentrating on. Howard believes that the laws won't pass unless this country becomes so religious... He seems to believe that FM stations are going to go down the tubes so far when satellite radio takes over that anyone will be able to buy a station for the price of a cup of tea.

• Howard Plays The ''You've Got Mail'' Game. 03/03/05. 7:20am
  Howard had some tickets to give away to this Comedy Love Call show that's taking place next week at the Beacon Theater. He said they have a great line up of comedians at the show. He got Sean the White Rapper on the phone to play the ''You Got Mail'' game. Sean asked Howard if he though that he hated him or something. Howard said he just thought he was kind of wacky. Howard also said that he was kind of scary and violent. Howard said he appreciates that Sean calls into the show but the fact that he's blaming the show for destroying his marriage is kind of crazy. Sean said that people like Jillian Grace have had their lives changed because of the show and that's what happens when someone gets popular on the show. Sean was back and forth on what he was saying about the show. One second he was blaming the show for his wife leaving him and then he'd say that it had nothing to do with the show. Sal the Stockbroker came in and pointed out that Sean is the guy who broke into the company's voice mail system and changed everyone's message. Sean said that was an ''accident'' though. Gary didn't understand how that could be an accident. Sean was also saying that he thought he should have gotten up there to try out for John's job but they never gave him a chance. Sean said he was going to get all of Howard's ex-girlfriend's daughters to come up to the studio to get naked if he'd tried out. Howard thought that was kind of funny and he also thought the voice mail thing was funny.

  Gary said that he's kind of scared of Sean and he's hung out with him a few times and he's kind of a thug. Gary said Sean once pulled up next to him on the highway when he was driving home. He's just a scary dude. Sean also raps so Howard asked him to give them an example but he ended up using the F-word so they had to hit the delay. That led to Howard talking about rap and how he still doesn't get it and just wants guys to shut up so he can hear the music playing instead.

  Howard asked Sean if he wanted to play the game. Sean said that he didn't call in to play a game so he doesn't want people to think he's calling in begging for stuff. Howard cut Sean off after he gave Artie a bad review for his movie ''Lost and Found.'' He had some audio clips of celebrities saying ''You've Got Mail'' for America Online. He played the first clip but Sean couldn't come up with the right answer. Robin and Howard both got it when they said it was Sylvester Stallone. Howard gave Sean the tickets even though he didn't get the right answer. He just wanted him off the phone because he was annoying him so much. The tickets are for the front row, center at that comedy show. Good luck to the comedians who have to deal with that.

  Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the discussion Howard had earlier about the decency stuff. Howard said that he thinks that Clear Channel is so scared of satellite now that they're pushing their lackies, like Joe Barton, to push for these decency issues. Howard said these companies know that he's right when he says that satellite radio is going to take over and crush terrestrial radio. He said he doesn't care if only 3 people follow him over to satellite, it doesn't matter to him at this point. He also said that if they do manage to pass a law where they can censor paid services like satellite and cable, he will go down as being the most powerful broadcaster in history.

  Howard let the phone caller stay on the line to play the ''You've Got Mail'' game. He played the clip which was a female. Artie and Robin both guessed who it was as soon as they heard it. Howard wasn't sure who it was. The caller took a wild guess and said Whoopi Goldberg and got it right. Howard hooked him up with the tickets and Sal said that he'll be sitting next to Sean the White Rapper. Howard said he thinks that those celebrities don't even get paid to do those ''You've Got Mail'' clips. He figures they just do it for fun or to get their names out there. Howard gave his own ''You've got mail'' message and said that he doesn't care if you've got mail and an F-you to finish it off.

  Howard took another call from a guy who didn't want tickets because he was calling from California. He took another call from a guy in New Jersey who wanted to play. Howard played the celebrity clip where the guy says ''I've got Pink Eye!'' Howard thought it was Nathan Lane but Sal told him that the guy was just trying to be stupid and schticky which is the guy's personality. Fred guessed that it was Conan O'Brien and got it right. Howard gave the caller the tickets even though Fred helped him win. Howard played another celebrity ''You've Got Mail'' and had the guys in the studio try to guess who it was. Robin guessed that it was Ellen Dengeres but it was actually J-Lo. Another clip was Paula Abdul saying ''Straight up, you've got mail.''

  Howard got another caller on the line and played another celebrity clip which turned out to be Donald Trump. Howard knew it right away and gave the tickets to the caller. After hearing that Artie wondered if Howard still thinks they're not getting paid to do those clips. If Trump does one they must be getting paid according to Artie. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and played one round. The voice was female but it was a tough one. She guessed it was Pam Anderson. Howard said that he'd download the clips if Mariann said it. She gave her own screechy ''You've got mail!'' and then Sal gave her a hint but she still couldn't get it. It turned out to be Madonna. David Letterman also did one where he said ''Congratulations Skippy, you've got mail!'' Howard played a few other clips from people like Jay-Z, Kelly Osbourne, Barry White, Cher, Marlie Maitlen, Enrique Iglesias and Lindsay Lohan. Howard quickly mentioned a web site that someone told him about where they showed how good Hillary Swank's boobs looked at the Academy Awards. The site was GoFugYourself.com. He had to take a brake after that.

• ''Lingo'' Co-Host Stacey Hayes Comes In. 03/03/05. 8:10am
  Howard returned from break and got in a plug for tonight's E! show featuring Mini Me's wife Genevieve Gallen. Howard also pointed out that he's been talking about going to do his own thing on satellite for years. Jason pulled some notes from 1999 and 2001 where he talked about doing a satellite radio show or creating his own network.

  Howard had this woman Stacey Hayes come in to promote her GSN show ''Lingo.'' Howard said she looks kind of like Hillary Duff but with bigger boobs. She said she's about 10 years older as well. Howard said that her body looks great and he liked her extra big boobs. He had her spin around for him so he could check her out. Stacey said that she's going to be in Playboy as the Babe of the Month in the June '05 issue but she won't be topless. Stacey also talked about her game show and how she isn't making a lot of money doing it. She says that Chuck Woolery is the host of the show and he thought that they had chemistry so she pushed for her to get the job. She swore that she didn't do anything with him to get the job. Howard asked Stacey about her boobs and who did them for her. She didn't give a name though.

  Howard read some of the notes he had about Stacey. She once said that she woke up one morning and was possessed by the devil and started growling and foaming at the mouth. Stacey explained how her mother was the one who said that she was rolling around on the bed one morning after not coming out of her room for days. She said that she had to have a bit of an exorcism to get rid of that. Her mother took her to a psychologist who was able to ''de-posess'' her over the course of a few months. Howard read that she actually tried to kill her mother by stabbing her one time. Stacey said that she believes that she's normal now and actually low maintenance. Robin asked Howard if that would constantly be in the back of his mind and if he'd be afraid that she could turn on him. He said he probably would be afraid of that. Stacey also says that she had some aliens visit her when she was a young girl. Howard wondered if that's part of a mental illness or if she really saw something. Stacey said that she remembers it as if it was yesterday and it was real. She claims that the aliens took her mother on board the alien ship but they refused to do a root canal on her. Stacey said that they would strap her down and get her naked. She said she remembers lights coming down on her and feeling sensations of hot and cold when she was on the ship. When her mother was on the ship she wasn't naked. She claims that her mother only wears nice nighties now because she's afraid of being embarrassed when she's brought on the ship again. Her mother remembers having things stuck in her nose and ears but Stacey doesn't remember those things happening to her.

  Howard took some phone calls for Stacey and one guy said he used to smoke crack with this girl. Stacey said that she's never done drugs and she can't take them because all of this wacky stuff happens without them and she can't imagine what would happen if she was on drugs. Howard asked Stacey if producers ever try to get her to do stuff with them. She said that happens all the time. She also claims that there was one guy who sprinkled PCP on her food one time to try and get her. She said the guy was really big in the industry and she met him at the Academy Awards last year. She didn't say who it was though. Stacey said she has a boyfriend right now but he's not in the industry. She said he's a normal guy who is in sales. She said she didn't lose her virginity until she was about 20 and she's only been with 3 different guys. Howard wondered if she'd go to a strip club and let women play with her chest. She said that she has done that and lets other women touch her and kiss her. She said that she hasn't gone all the way with a woman but she has messed around a bit. She used to live with a stripper roommate out in San Francisco. The stripper roommate would bring home her girlfriend and their ''best customers'' so she would see them having sex.

  Stacey said that she would like to go to Scores sometime so Howard told her that they were going in about a half hour. Howard was ready to blow off the rest of the show to go over there. Stacey also told Howard that she likes to have sex every day if possible and she'll use a vibrator if she needs to. She also says that she likes to smoke a little weed once in a while but she hasn't done it for a while. A listener called in and asked if they could get Stacey into the RoboSpanker. Stacey said that she's seen that thing and she doesn't want to get into it. Howard ended up asking her about her TV show but also asked her to unbutton her shirt so they could see some clevage. She showed them a little bit but got back to talking about the TV show. Howard wanted her to demonstrate the game but she said she needed a grid to play. A phone caller told Howard to get out of that room as soon as possible because this woman sounded completely wacky. He feared for their safety. Howard got back to Stacey and asked her about her boyfriend and what they do when they go on vacation. She interrupted and asked if she could have a bathroom break. Howard told her to put on an adult diaper and just pee in the diaper. She didn't want to do that and was grossed out when they brought in a diaper that had some black marks on it. She refused to put on the diaper and said she wouldn't be able to pee in front of them. Howard thought it was odd that they had adult diapers there ready to go.

  Howard wanted to get Stacey in the tickle chair so he could try and tickle her until she pees. She didn't want to do it but eventually agreed to go over and get in the chair. She didn't want to be strapped in but that's part of the whole thing. She said she might wet her pants if Howard tickles her too hard. She wanted a word that she could say to make Howard stop but he said that's not the way he does things. The delay was hit multiple times during the discussion about peeing because the station is so paranoid about getting fined. Howard went over and tickled her but she was really ticklish and asked him to stop after just a few seconds. Howard went back in and tickled her even as she was screaming for him to stop. She kept asking him to stop because she really had to pee. Howard kept starting and stopping. She eventually said that she actually did wet her pants a bit and she really needed to take a bathroom break. Howard didn't believe that she actually did wet her pants though. If she had, she would have gone down as the greatest guest ever. Artie said she was great. A listener called in and told Howard to get her some wine. Howard told Jason to come in and take a picture of her in her school girl outfit for his web site. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked when she's going to be on the E! show. Howard didn't have an answer but he told Eric to take a hit off his bong for Stacey. Howard had to wrap up the interview after that. He tried to get her to show her ass but she told him he could see it in Playboy.

  Stacey got in a mention for her web site StaceyHayes.com as Howard was trying to end the interview. Ralph also called in and asked if she was good looking enough to get past her English accent. Howard said she is hot and Artie said that her accent isn't that bad when you see her. Howard gave her a plug for ''Lingo'' which airs at 3pm on GSN every day of the week. He went to commercial break right after that.

• Various Stuff. 03/03/05. 9:10am
  After the commercials Howard replayed the old ''homosexuality is a sickness'' (Boys Beware) audio clip he played a couple of times yesterday. The clip sounds like something made in the 1950s and the announcer talks about a young boy who was approached by a homosexual and how it was a ''sickness'' that people should watch out for. Howard said that it was something put out by the government years ago. After that clip they played the Sexxxy Noises clip they remixed with some clips of Robin to make it sound like she was doing stuff with Heidi Cortez.

  Howard played an Onion Radio News report about a woman who was told by a bunch of D-list celebrities that she should stick to selling pancakes. He went on to talk about Stacey Hayes and how fun she was as a guest. He said he doesn't know how she is when the cameras are off but she was good on the air. He said he tried to talk to her after the interview but she ran out of the studio pretty quick. He wasn't sure if it was because she had to pee or because she just didn't want to stick around. Howard had Robin start her news after that.

  During the news Howard was talking about Dick Clark who has apparently been asking for people to let him die. Howard said he feels bad for the guy because he's so nice. Howard was also wondering if Dick is going to leave him anything in his will. He's asked him to do that on many occasions but he's not sure he'd actually leave him anything.

• Scores Miami Grand Opening Discussion. 03/03/05. 9:55am
  A listener called in during the news and asked Howard why Pam Anderson is boycotting KFC. Howard said that she's an animal rights activist and that's what she does. The caller wasn't making any sense with his questions so Howard had to hang up on him. The guy was saying that the billboard he saw with Pam on it made him want to go to KFC and eat chicken. He said that her jugs looked so good that it made him want to go which didn't make any sense at all. Howard bailed and had Robin get back to her news.

  Bong Hit Eric called in and told Howard how hot Stacey Hayes looked in the pictures they put on HowardStern.com. He was also talking about going down to the grand opening of Scores Miami this weekend. He said that the snow storm had screwed up his plans but he might book another flight today or tomorrow. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that they're going to be opening one in Baltimore in the near future as well. He said they're bringing in some of the chicks from the New York Scores clubs to fill the club. They didn't have to fly as many down for Miami as they did for Ft. Lauderdale because they have so many chicks down there already. Gary will be at the grand opening on Saturday. Gary asked Ronnie what he's going to be doing down there. Ronnie said that he's going to be ''consulting'' for them down there and that's what he does for the club. Howard had to let Eric go after that so he could finish up the news. He said he might give Eric his own show when he makes his move over to Sirius. It'll probably be a half hour show.

  Howard heard that E! is going to cover the grand opening of the Miami Scores. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he actually does a lot of work down there to do stuff like that. He told Howard he knows it's a perk for him and Mike Gange and he really appreciates it. Howard ended the show around 10:20am.

• Porn Star Preview. 03/04/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Rodney Dangerfield movie clip from ''Back to School,'' Voice mail from the ''I saw you'' woman, Rosie O'Donnel cries as she's talking about her son, Robert Goulet's version of Vinnie Favale's ''Restless, Restless'' song.

  Howard started off the show talking about Stacey Hayes who was on the show yesterday. He said he's got some pictures of her up on his web site. Artie said he heard from some friends who saw her on the site and thought she looked good. Howard said they were going to have a bunch of porn stars in the studio for the Porn Star Beauty Pageant. The girls are from the audio clips that they play on the show pretty often. Aurora Snow, Taylor Rain, Kami Andrews and others. Fred played some of the porn clips that they play where Taylor Rain is saying ''Oh Yeah!'' and Aurora Snow's gagging. Kami Andrews is in a clip where she's gargling and talking about how she's ''a messy, little spit covered pig.'' Then they have the porn star who broke down and cried in one porn movie. Fred also played High Pitch Eric's remake of the spit covered pig clip that he did with Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy. Howard replayed the Aurora Snow clip and then the High Pitch Eric clip once again so they could goof on that. Howard said that they're going to have the porn stars come in dressed in bathing suits and then have them recreate their sound effects. They'll also be talking to the girls some personality questions and judging them on their answers. Howard played some more clips from each of the girls and had some fun with those for a few minutes.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Michael Powell from the FCC was on a show saying that he agrees with Howard about the rules on satellite and cable broadcast decency rules. He agrees that they shouldn't be regulating those two things like they do with broadcast radio. Howard said the whole thing started when he announced his move to satellite. That's when Clear Channel freaked out and started pushing for the government to start regulating that stuff. Howard had some audio from the Neal Cavuto interview that the caller was talking about. Cavuto asked Michael Powell about the issue and Powell said that it's basically unconstitutional to restrict those forms of media. Howard applauded Powell for his comments on that stuff and applauded Senator Joe Barton for not understanding the constitution. He said he's not sure that guy's head isn't frozen. He had to take a break a short time later.

• Miscellaneous Tapes. 03/04/05. 6:35am
  After the commercials Howard was singing along to some Led Zepplin while Fred played some George Takei sound effects. Howard had a lot of tapes to get to. He had Magic Johnson announcing at a NASCAR race and the guy seems to have more energy than ever. He screwed out ''Drivers, start your engines!'' at the top of his lungs. Howard said he's the most energetic AIDS guy he's ever heard. Robin corrected Howard and said that he doesn't have AIDS, he has HIV. Howard and Artie didn't seem to know the difference though. Howard said he watched ''Lost'' last night and said that it's a really good show. He's also liking the show ''Medium.'' Howard said that Patricia Arquette could be so hot if she could stay 25 and if she lost a few pounds. He thought the ''Medium'' was her size, not her profession.

  Howard played a phony phone call that Sal the Stockbroker and Richard made to a couple of pizza places. Sal gave his order to one place and had his wife Diane (Richard Christy) give her part of the order. Artie liked how Sal's southern accent disappeared halfway through the call. Sal then calls another pizza place and puts the two places on together and has the first guy read his order to the second guy and they have no idea that they're both pizza places. Mass confusion from both of the guys comes next. They're asking each other for phone numbers, totals and just confusing each other. Robin thought the call was pretty funny. Howard said that the trick would be to get a third pizza place involved.

• Eric The Midget Actor Pitches A New Idea. 03/04/05. 6:45am
  Howard took a call from Eric the Midget Actor. Howard called him Eric the Midget at first but then changed it to Eric the Actor since that's what he prefers to go by. Eric called Howard looking for a job. His phone connection was horrible and Howard could barely understand him. Eric was looking to give a sports and entertainment report during Robin's news but Howard said he'd have to get him some kind of satellite hookup because his phone connection is so bad. Gary came in and said that Eric wanted to give 3 movie reviews but Howard wouldn't let it happen because of the phone problem. Howard also said that Eric is supposed to be Eric the Actor, not Eric the Movie Reviewer. Howard suggested changing his name to The Lil' Critic or The Littlest Critic. Artie suggested The Creepy Critic. Eric also said that he wouldn't be reviewing the movies because he hasn't seen them. He's just going to announce the movies that are coming out this week. Howard had him try it out but his phone connection was so bad that we couldn't hear anything. Howard and Artie did an impression of what it sounded like to them. They had some fun with that and goofed around with Eric for a short time. Robin said he kind of sounds like a duck so Howard said he's like the Penguin from Batman. Howard then did some more impressions of Eric and goofed on horrible phone connection. Eric says that he's committed to the idea and it's not just some fly-by-night idea.

  Howard told Eric that he'd think about the idea. Eric tried to tell Howard something but Howard didn't understand much of what he said. He said he's thinking that it could be a once a week feature that he could do on a Friday sometime. Howard asked him if he could review some gay porn movies. He'd only have to watch a few movies a week and review them. Eric said no to that but Howard played some gay porn clips. Eric was trying to plug the show ''American Dreams'' for March 16th but Howard said he had to get out of the phone call. Eric said that Paris Hilton is going to be on that episode. Eric appears on the show on March 30th. Howard didn't seem to care much though. He thanked Eric for the call and let him go. Robin said that he should be giving them a wrap up of ''American Idol'' since that's his forte. Howard said the only person who has any success from that show seems to be Kelly Clarkson. Robin said that there are a couple of others who have some success and she can't seem to get away from them.

  Howard played a gay porn clip that they inserted Eric the Midget into. They had some clips of him talking during the porn clip to make it sound like he was actually in it. Robin said that Eric will be incensed when he hears that and he'll probably leave a voice mail about that. Howard had to go to break right after that.

• Various Stuff. 03/04/05. 7:10am
  Howard came back from break and mentioned tonight's E! show featuring part 2 of Genevieve G, Mini Me's ex-wife. Howard had some new shades on this morning so he asked Artie and Robin what they thought of them. Artie said they were cool and made him look like a secret agent or something. Howard said he has gradual lenses now which is basically bi-focals. He said the bi-focals thing makes it sound like an old man.

  Howard said they'd be getting to the Porn Star Beauty Pageant in about 15 minutes. He had all of the audio clips from the porn stars that they've been playing on the show and they'd be picking one of them to be the queen. Howard played some of Taylor Rain's ''Oh Yeah!'' clips. Robin can reenact some of her stuff so Artie had her do that quickly. Howard said they're going to have Gianni Russo (from The Godfather) was returning to participate as one of the judges. Artie ended up reenacting some scenes from ''The Godfather'' after hearing that Gianni was coming back. Howard played some songs that they'd taken and inserted Taylor Rain clips into. Howard had Fred play some Aurora Snow gagging clips. They'd taken some of her clips and put them to some songs as well. Howard said they'd also have Kami Andrews, Renee Pornero and Raylee coming in as well.

  Howard said that they had this guy John Solari on the show one time and he said that he thought Robert Blake was innocent because he'd asked him if he wanted him to off his wife and Blake turned him down. Howard recently got a letter from a friend of John's who said she wrote some songs about Blake's innocence. He played one of the songs called ''Cry for Justice.'' Howard said that she wrote that she's writing from her heart and those are her beliefs. She also wrote a song about Blake's daughter Rosie so Howard played some of that. Howard had a song parody about Robert Blake that he played as well. They've played the song on the show before but Howard made it sound like he'd never heard it before.

• Jillian Grace eBay.com Sales. 03/04/05. 7:20am
  Howard got a letter from Jillian Grace's mother. He said that some of the guys noticed that after Jillian comes on the show she sells an article of clothing on eBay.com. She's got some stuff on there now and she's using the money she makes to help her career. Sal came in and said that the skirt is already up to $400 and she just put it up there.

  Howard said that he saw John Travolta on David Letterman's show recently and he had a crew cut. Then he was on the Oscars a couple of days later and he had long hair. Howard said that he must wear a wig but Robin said he must have gotten a weave for a new role he has or something. Howard figured it was just for the Oscars show. J.D. came in and told Howard he was on another show after the Oscars and he was back to short hair. Howard thought the interview he did with Letterman was actually kind of interesting. Travolta was talking about space travel and he seems to know something about it. He explained it in a pretty simple way and it was pretty interesting.

  Howard said that one of his new favorite places to go is the Kathie Lee web site, KathieLeeGifford.com, chat room. Benjy is in the chat room as Kathie Lee's Pet and Howard said he's in there as ''Throbo.'' Howard said if you type in a word like ''slut'' it comes out as asterisks instead. He said it's super clean and it's fun to mess around with people in there.

• Hilary Swank's Boobs And More. 03/04/05. 7:30am
  Howard mentioned a web site that pointed out Hilary Swank's breast implants (GoodPlasticSurgery.com). He said they show before and after pictures and it does seem like she's had some work done. Howard changed subjects and said that he's had some problems watching some DVDs that have been burned for him. He said that he'd prefer that people give him video tapes instead of the burned DVDs. He said someone sent him a copy of ''The Contender'' TV show but it froze up in the middle of the show. He complained about the problems he's had with other DVDs as well.

  Howard tried to take a phone call from a woman but she was on a cell phone that sounded awful. He said he's going to have to stop taking phone calls because the cell phones sound so bad and everyone is calling in on them. The woman said that she went to Scores on the East Side for the first time recently and made $100 in about 5 minutes. Howard didn't seem interested and hung up on her a short time later. He said that cell phones are ruining radio. Robin said they're ruining telephones too because everyone is using them now and they're giving up clear reception.

  Howard played tape from Jimmy Kimmel's show of Gary Coleman talking about how celebrities can't get a fair trial. He was outside of Michael Jackson's trial talking about that subject. Howard mentioned OJ who they basically bent over backwards for. He was ready to get to the Porn Star Beauty Pageant but one of the girls was running a little late. Gary said that Aurora Snow was on her way but he wasn't sure she'd be there in time to start the segment. Howard said he had a nightmare the other night where he had to do a show at Madison Square Garden without preparing. He explained the dream and how he was trying to get Robin and the guys to help him out. Then he had another dream in which he was prepared for an event and actually saw a show that he actually liked. Robin had a dream about going on stage and forgetting to do something. When she went back on stage and threw the curtain open, she'd walked in on a Ku Klux Klan meeting. Howard said that he loved this show that he saw in his dream. He said that his cartoon, Howard Stern the High School Years, also came to him in a dream. The first episode of that cartoon is going to be a good one. He's at his dad's recording studio with a gay Raymond Burr. He said the script is done but they haven't animated it yet. It's a tough thing to do. Howard said there's not a day that goes by when he wonders why he got involved in the whole thing. He went to break right after that.

• The Porn Star Beauty Pageant Part 1. 03/04/05. 8:00am
  After the break Howard introduced the judges for the Porn Star Beauty Pageant. Actor Gianni Russo from The Godfather was just in on Monday but he'd asked to come in to judge women so they invited him back today. Gianni shared a bunch of stories about the women he's been with when he was in on Monday and shared a little bit more today. Howard gave him another plug for his album ''Reflections'' and gave him a quick explanation of the rules. Gianni told Howard that he's now the Godfather of his Wack Pack. Howard said he will never cross Gianni. Richard Christy is another judge in the contest because he's a porn collector and he knows a lot about the industry. Howard said that Richard had let his hair down. Richard said he did that because he wanted to look good for the ladies. John the Stutterer was the next judge. He hasn't gotten laid much but has won the chance on Howard's show a couple of times. Howard said that John is judging because he dreams a lot about women like this even though he doesn't actually have sex with them. John was stuttering up a storm and Fred wasn't helping by mimicking him every chance he got.

  Howard played a clip of Kami Andrews from one of her pornos. She's the one who says that she's a ''messy little spit covered f'n pig'' after gargling a dude's fluids. Kami came in a few seconds later. Howard had her spin around so the judges could check out her body. The guys seemed to like the way she was dressed. Howard read that Kami is in a new movie where she plays the part of a drug sniffing dog. Howard played a clip from the movie where she's barking when she finds some drugs. Howard also read that Kami had gay sex with her cousin at the age of 12. She said they used hair brushes and paint brushes to get each other off. Kami also says she lost her virginity at the age of 10. The boy was 16 and after they'd had sex, her mother took her to Burger King. Kami said that her friends were all bragging about how they were doing it so she figured she'd go out and do it. Her friends called her a slut after that. By the time she was 16 she'd had sex with 45 men. Howard wondered if sex is a job for her. Kami said it's not a job, it's something she really loves. She used to get sent home from school because of the clothes she would wear. She eventually slept with a teacher she had in high school. She was out of school at that time though. She said that he used to live near a friend of hers and she used to tease him all the time. She was also friends with his daughter. Howard asked Kami to reenact the porn clip that he played earlier. He played it for her again so she could remember what to do. She had to gargle and howard read along with her as she reenacted the bit. Zolar called in and said that this girl should be the winner because all of her answers were just right. She was talking about getting spit on and how she likes it if the moment is right. Sal the Stockbroker was the one who discovered her so he came in and talked about how much he likes it. Sal ended up asking to spit on her right then. Kami said it was fine so Sal hocked one up on her and everyone was grossed out by it. Howard said that she opened her mouth and swallowed it. Howard quickly asked her what does gross her out. She said that poop grosses her out.

  Howard then moved on to the judges and asked them what they thought. John the Stutterer was up first. He dragged out his answer but eventually gave her a 7. Richard Christy said she was fun and gave her an 8. Gianni Russo said he likes her looks and thought she was amazing. He wasn't into the spitting and said that she was a 10 until that happened. He ended up giving her a 9.

  Howard had to take a break before moving on to the rest of the contest. He couldn't get over what Sal had just done. Richard and Gary said that Sal has been waiting a long time to do that. Gary said he thinks that Sal wanted that job just so he could put together this segment so he could spit on that chick. Howard gave a quick teaser for Raylee who is the chick who broke down and cried during a porn shoot one time. He played another clip where she was gagging on a guy's member but the guy was making her speak with her mouth full.

• The Porn Star Beauty Pageant Part 2. 03/04/05. 8:30am
  After the break Howard came back and said that they have a picture of Sal spitting on Kami up on HowardStern.com. Gary said it was an amazing picture too because they caught Sal in mid-spit. Howard reintroduced the judges quickly. He gave Kami a plug for the web site Extreme-2.com where you can see her puking and other stuff. She warned people that there is puking pictures on the site when you go there.

  Howard had Raylee Dean come in next. He replayed her porn clip where she broke down crying after shooting her first porn movie. She has to reenact that clip when she comes in. Howard said she looked nice and talked to her about the breakdown she had. She said she had a scene with two guys and they were pretty rough with her. Howard played one of her other clips where she was talking with her mouth full. She got into porn by answering a newspaper ad after breaking up with her boyfriend. She had only slept with 5 guys before getting into the business. She doesn't enjoy women all that much but she will do them for movies. Howard asked her to reenact a scene for them. She pretended to cry and did a quick scene from the crying video. Howard asked her a personality question and asked what superpower she would have. She said she'd like to say Ta Da and give everyone orgasms so she could spread the joy around. Gianni was first to judge. He said he could relate to her crying because he was beaten in The Godfather and cried after that. He gave her a score of 7. Richard Christy said she seemed pretty fun and also gave her a 7. John the Stutterer gave her a score of 7 as well.

  Howard introduced the next beauty, Renee Pornero. Howard played her porn clip where she says hello to her mom and papa as she's getting screwed. High Pitch Eric recreated it so Howard played that clip as well. Howard talked to her for a short time and read that she refuses to sleep with a midget in the movies she does. The delay ended up getting hit as Howard read that she's dating a female porn star so he asked her about that. She said she wanted to try something different so that's why she's doing that. She said that she likes black people and the chick she's dating is black. She likes the attention she gets from being the only white chick in the room when she's with the black people. Renee told Howard that she's into guys also. She spun around and showed the guys her ass. Richard said that he'd already looked Renee up on the internet and he's a big fan. Howard asked Artie to do the scene that she was going to reenact. Artie read the guy's lines as Renee did her part. Howard asked her to reenact another scene where she'd be gagging on a guy. She did that pretty good too. Howard asked Renee what she'd be doing if she wasn't in porn. She said she'd probably be a rock star. Richard asked her to show them what was under her top. She gave the guys a look and then Richard gave her a score of 10. John the Stutterer said he'd like to use his tongue on her for 5 hours. He gave her a score of 8. Gianni said she had a great body and gave her a 9.

  Next up was Aurora Snow whose porn clip has been played on the show quite a bit. She's the one who gets gagged and sounds like a duck as she's gagging. Howard played the clip as Artie laughed at it. Howard asked Aurora if she enjoyed that gagging stuff that time. She said that she actually did kind of enjoy it because she got to do it with her boyfriend. Howard told her that her clip has inspired a lot of song parodies on the show. He played some of the songs that Dan the Song Parody Man has put together using her clips. He put her gagging to a bunch of songs from Bon Jovi, David Lee Roth and others. Howard read a few facts about her and found out she got into porn to pay for college. She dropped out for a while because she was so busy working. She talked about how she got into the nude modeling thing and that's what led to the porn stuff. Aurora said she really does enjoy it now even though she started out doing it as just a job. Howard asked Aurora to reenact the porn clip where she's gagging. She had a banana that she was putting in her mouth to make the gagging sound. She did that for a few seconds. Howard asked her what she thinks is the most important invention of the last century for the personality part of the competition. She thought for a few seconds and said that maybe stem cell research. Howard then asked Gianni Russo for a score. Gianni said she's very girl-next-door sexy and gave her a 10. John the Stutterer said he wished he were that banana and gave her a 7. Richard Christy gave her an 8.

  Howard took a call from a guy who wondered when this was going to be on E!. Howard said he'll let people know when that's going to happen. He then brought in the next contestant, Taylor Rain, whose porn clips have been played tons of times on the show. Taylor is the ''Oh Yeah!'' chick. She came in and gave them a subtle ''oh yeah'' that was nothing like her porn clips. She said she's been in porn for 4 years now. Howard played one of her more recent porn movies where she was moaning her classic ''Oh Yeah!'' Taylor is only 5'3'' tall and weighs about 105 pounds. Artie told her she might want to eat a sandwich or something. Howard was trying to talk to her but the delay ended up getting hit after she said something. She likes to be tied up and spanked. She also told Howard about how she had sex with Lloyd Banks one time and she didn't want anyone to find out because her father is really against her having sex with black guys. Taylor told the guys that she was really wasted and she actually has a prescription for weed because she has anxiety problems. There were a lot of delay hits during the discussions that Howard and Taylor were having. Howard replayed Taylor's porn scene that she was going to be reenacting. She ended up cursing again so they had to hit the delay a couple of times. She asked to be slapped around a little bit so one of the guys was doing that. We couldn't hear who it was because the delay had been hit. Taylor said that was the first time she'd ever done that. Howard took a call from Ralph who said he liked Taylor as the best one in the pageant. Jeff the Drunk called in and asked Taylor if she could get her doctor to write him a prescription for weed as well. Howard ended up hanging up on her before she could answer. John the Stutterer was asked to give a score. He gave her a 9. Richard Christy was up next and he said her body was unbelievable and gave her a 9 but he'd give her a 10 if she made out with Renee. Taylor went for it and got the 10 from Richard. Gianni Russo also gave her a 10.

  The winner was obviously Taylor Rain after getting such high scores from everyone. Howard had Gary tally the votes. He told Taylor that she'd won and gave her the $5,000 prize that was courtesy of HushDVD.com. Taylor thanked Howard and the judges and the fans out there. She said she was super excited about the whole thing. Richard asked her to pull her bottoms down before they ended the whole thing. She pulled down her pants and John the Stutterer asked if they could lick her. Howard had the guys from HushDVD.com come in and present Taylor with her check. Howard gave all of the girls plugs for the web sites where you can see them. Here's the long list:

  • Extreme-2.com - Kami Andrews 03/04/05
  • PornWeek.com - Raylee Dean 03/04/05
  • Renee-Pornero.com - Renee Pornero 03/04/05
  • AuroraSnowXXX.com - Aurora Snow 03/04/05
  • SinCity.com - Aurora Snow 03/04/05
  • TaylorRainXXX.com - Taylor Rain 03/04/05
  • NectarMovies.com - Taylor Rain 03/04/05
  Howard also thanked Gianni Russo for coming in and gave him some plugs for some appearances he's making. He thanked Richard and John the Stutterer for coming in as well.

• The Mike Walker Gossip Game. 03/04/05. 9:25am
  Howard came back from break and said that he was a little gassy this morning. He also mentioned the upcoming Comedy Love Call show that's coming up next week. He then moved on to Mike Walker who was on the line to play his Gossip Game. Mike got in a plug for his new book, ''Rather Dumb : A Top Tabloid Reporter Tells CBS How to Do News,'' which hits the book stores this week. Howard said he wondered how Mike was going to work in a plug for that. He said that Mike basically rips apart the evening news and tells them how they should be doing their job. Howard and Mike talked about the book for a short time before Howard had Mike get to his game. Mike told Howard that the book shot up 180,000 places on Amazon.com's ranking the last time he plugged it. He also mentioned that he's got a web site for the book at RatherDumb.com. Mike moved on to his game right after that. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
  1. A ''24'' cameraman clutched his chest and fell to the ground while shooting the show. Kiefer Sutherland ran over and performed CPR on the guy, keeping him alive until an ambulance showed up, just like he just like he might do on the weekly TV series.
  2. Sean Penn and a friend showed up at a 32nd birthday party for friend Jude Law only to have the door opened by Jude who told them that he used to work as a doorman in London when he didn't have any other work.
  3. Ellen Degeneres and her girlfriend Portia DeRossi got into a yelling match on the set of Ellen's show after Portia complained about Ellen's wardrobe that made her look too manly. Ellen walked off the show until Portia called to apologize.
  4. Chad Lowe complained that he was feeling kind of bloated on Oscar night so his wife, Hilary Swank, told him to take some Midol. Lowe later told Swank that the Midol was working magic but she couldn't believe he'd taken the drug that women take during their period. She later told friends about how Chad had discovered Midol for men.
  Howard told Mike to stop the game after the first story because it had to be fake. He stuck with that pick when Mike was all done. Artie agreed with Howard and picked story 1 as the fake one. Fred went with story 4 and Robin went with story 2 as the fake one. The actual false story was number four. Howard took a commercial break after the game.

• And Finally... 03/04/05. 9:45am
  After the break Howard was going to have Robin start her news. He ended up taking a phone call from a guy who thanked Howard for making him laugh during yesterday's news cast when they talked about this teacher, Mr. Mentel, who had yelled at his students in class recently. Robin got into her news right after that. A little later on Howard mentioned that his girlfriend found the baby wipes he uses to clean himself up after he goes to the bathroom. Brian from E! had gotten him some as a gift. Howard said that he used the plastic container that they came in but when he ran out, he started using the refills that were in a bag. He didn't know that the bag was supposed to go in the reusable plastic container. Ralph called in a little later and told Howard he's used some Cottenelle damp wipes and he'll get some for him. Howard said he didn't want to talk about that stuff anymore and let him go a short time later.

  Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:30am. He apologized to Kathy Griffin because she'd called in at 8:30 but he wasn't able to get to her because they were so busy. He gave her a plug for the comedy show she's doing at the Laugh Factory tonight in New York City. Artie got in a plug for his Pittsburgh comedy gig and DVD signing. Gary also came in and mentioned he'd be at the grand opening of Scores Miami tomorrow. Ronnie the Limo Driver is already down there. Sal the Stockbroker came in and got a plug for a comedy show he's doing with Beetlejuice. Richard Christy came in and ended up telling some stories about his father getting bitten by a possum one time. Howard and Artie goofed on his unusual accent for a couple of minutes before Howard wrapped up.