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Howard moved on to talk to Simon about the show and how it's become a hit here in the states. It originated in England. Howard said he's seen a couple of the episodes and actually watched them a couple of times.
Howard pointed out to Simon that talent can be fine tuned but on the show they just tell people they suck and send them on their way. Howard said if Bob Dylan went on the show they'd tell him he sucks and send him off.
Simon said that they have great song writers working for them and the person who they pick will have a good chance of becoming a star. Nothing is guaranteed though.
Simon claims that one of the contestants in England offered to have sex with him but he had to turn her down. He said that there the tabloids would have gotten hold of that story and made a big thing about it.
Howard had a bunch of people who called in recently to get on the show to be judged. First up was Deirdra who performed a comedy song called ''Slimy Heiney.'' The song was horrible and not funny so they kicked her right out.
Next up was Stuttering John who has already released two albums that ''flopped'' according to Howard. John performed ''Mary Ann'' which was an original song he wrote. Simon gave him a 2 on a scale of 10 for what he heard. John just said ''Screw him, what does he know?''
Tia, another listener, came in and got some ''Oh!'' comments when the guys saw her huge breasts. Tia sang acappella. Simon gave her voice a 5 and her bongos a 9. Some of the people thought she was better than a 5 but Simon asked them if they'd sign her to their own record label if they had one. No one said they would. Plus, she was 36 years old so she's not the right age to start being a star. Howard told Tia that she could work at Scores and she said she could do that. She ended up showing Howard her breasts. He told her he'd introduce her to Lonnie from Scores.
Fred Norris from the show was next up. He performed a Who song. Simon said he's what they call a ''pub singer'' over in England. He said he has a disturbing face so he could sing in silhouette no problem. Howard asked Simon to give him a rating but someone must have cursed because the delay was hit. He got a lower score than Stuttering John. Fred sounded pissed because he was goofing on Simon saying he has a small penis.
Next up was James who came in off the street. He performed a song and put on a strange voice. Simon said that it was ''bad'' and he was out of tune. He's a 31 year old DJ so Howard told him to stick to that.
Last up were John and Eric who also came in off the street. They said that they made their own CD and they're hoping to be rich just like Howard. The guys asked for a little echo but Artie told them they only want to hear them once. They performed a quick song and the guitar sounded okay but the singer was pretty bad. Simon said it was ''dreadful.'' Of course the singer said he had a cold so that's why he sounded so bad.
Howard took a few phone calls including one from Mariann from Brooklyn who screeched out her ''All I Need is Howard in my Life'' song for Simon. Howard had to hang up on her though. Artie goofed on her for a few seconds before Howard cut him off.
KC came in and performed a quick song before Simon left. He can't sing but his lyrics were pretty funny. All he got out was ''I don't know what to say.... but I think the judge is gay.'' Howard then wrapped up the interview. ''American Idol'' is on Tuesday's at 9pm and Wednesdays at 9:30pm on FOX.
Howard gave Steve a plug for his uncensored video ''Don't Try This At Home'' that's available at SteveoVideo.com. He then let Steve O do his stunts. He first did a beer shot off of his forehead. He put beer in a shot glass, laid on his back, picked it up with his knees and licked it out of the glass like a dog. He then did a nostril beer bong. He stuck a tube up his nose and drained a beer up through his nose. He then took an earthworm and snorted it up his nose and hacked it out into his mouth and out. Dee was cheering him on the whole time.
Steve then said he's reinvented this trick where people eat lightbulbs. Dee took her top off for the trick because she rolls a pool ball off of her rack and onto Steve's forehead where the lightbulb is sitting. She did that and the bulb smashed. Steve then took a piece of the bulb and told Howard that most people don't prove that the glass is sharp... as he sliced the letter V into his tongue. Howard begged him to stop over and over again but Steve just kept doing it. He then chewed up the glass and chased it down with some Jack Daniels.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Dee. He found out that Dee has gotten banged by Henry Rollins so he spent a short time talking to her about that. Then Howard heard that Dee was badmouthing his next guest. She was saying something about her not being all that hot. The woman, Mandy, is the sister of the bassist from the band KoRn. Mandy came in and had a few words with Howard but then she walked out when John Stamos called in.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Stamos about this interview he did with Chaunce Hayden. He told John he doesn't want to be friends with him anymore but John defended himself saying that his comments were taken out of context. He claims he never said that the story was a lie, it was just exaggerated. Howard ended that call after a few minutes and moved on to talk to Mandy.
Howard wanted to find out what this was all about so he brought Beetlejuice back in the studio and he was yelling at Gary for some reason. He was still upset about the whole thing. Howard said he thought the two of them were friends but it's obvious now they're not. It seems to be an ego thing. They've both been in movies and they think they're big stars. They may just be jealous of each other or something. Beetle sounded like he was still ready to fight Hank right then and there but Howard wouldn't let that happen.
Howard eventually found out that Beetlejuice once threw a cake on Hank at a hotel room they were in. The reason he did it wasn't all that clear though. KC said that it all started after Hank insulted Beetlejuice's mother one time but Hank said he never did that.
As Howard was trying to wrap things up we found out that Beetle is working on a book. When asked what the title is going to be he said something like ''Topigoobie'' or something like that. He said that the book will be out on Wednesday. Comedian Craig Gass goofed on him about that for a couple of minutes doing his ''W.C. Fields/Edward G. Robinson'' impression. Howard had to end all of that fun to take a break so he gave each of them a plug and went to break. You can find out more about the two of them at:
Howard started off the show talking about his 3 day weekend. He mentioned that he saw a news report about a weatherman who accidentally said ''Happy Martin Luther Coon Day'' while doing a weather report on air. Howard read the article he saw in the paper about the guy. He was fired for his screw up. Howard wondered if the guy was a listener of their show because they've had Daniel Carver on the show before and he refers to Martin Luther King as ''Martin Lucifer Coon'' when he's been on. Howard read through the rest of the article and had Artie laughing about the guy's screw up. Howard wants to get tape of that report so they can play it on the air.
Howard mentioned that he had a small birthday party over the weekend that Beth threw for him. Artie and Robin were there so they talked about how nice that was. Howard figured it must have cost Beth like $4,000 or so. Artie said that there were about 15 people there. Robin figured it was probably more like $2,500. The party was held in the basement of a restaurant so there wasn't a lot of room down there, that's why so few people were invited. That discussion led to the guys talking about how much they hate weddings. Artie said he hates them and Howard agreed but Robin reminded Howard that he's changed his mind about them quite often. Howard said that this week he hates them. Howard complained that he invites a lot of people to do things and come to parties but he never gets invited to do anything with those people.
Howard had dinner with an old college professor that he had. He said that the guy was very encouraging to him back then. He also had the dean of the school there at dinner as well. Robin wondered how that came about. Howard went on to tell Robin how he hardly remembers his teachers from Boston University from that long ago. He had this teacher in his sophomore year that he remembered because he was pretty cool with him back then. The teacher encouraged him to speak in class and he thought that he was actually pretty smart because of him. He ended up getting a D in one of his classes and showed it to the professor that liked him and he told him that the report was great and the other professor was too stupid to know what he was talking about. That professor ended up getting him an A on that test somehow. Howard left school and never really thought about the teacher again after that. He actually forgot the guy's name after some time. He ended up calling the college back to try and find out what his name was. The college wouldn't give out that type of information because of privacy issues. Howard said he gets a newsletter from his college that he leaves in his bathroom. One day he picked it up while sitting on the bowl and that professor was on the cover. He said the guy, James Wilcox, is still teaching at the school at the age of 71. Howard wrote him a letter and wanted to do something nice for him so he ended up helping out with some kind of student fund set up around this guy. Last night the students and the teacher were going to be in the city so Howard wanted to hook up with the group so he could meet with this Professor Wilcox.
Howard went out to Michaels restaurant to have dinner with Professor Wilcox and the dean of the school last night. Howard said the guy claims to remember him but he wasn't sure he actually did. Professor Wilcox still enjoys teaching and doesn't want to retire. Howard said that he spoke to them for about an hour and a half and thought that it was a pretty normal night for him. He thought of it as being something Robin would do with someone she knew from her past. Howard would usually wonder why anyone would reach out and do something like that.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that the Jets game really affected him. Howard told him that he's going on with his life and getting over the loss. Artie told Eric to just hang in there and not to give up that life he's got. Howard said he was excited that the Jets had a chance to win but he was telling Beth that he figured Pittsburgh was going to win. He was right when he told her that the Jets would probably lose. Gary thinks that he jinxed the game just hoping that they'd be in the playoffs next weekend when he's going to be up in New England. Gary also said that his son was crying that the Jets lost. Howard told him that he may have screwed up the kid pushing him into football so much. Gary said that might be right and he had to tell the kid to suck it up after he cried a little too long. Bong Hit Eric took a hit off his bong and told the guys about why he's no longer a fan of the NY Giants and why he follows the Jets. Eric took a couple more hits off his bong as they were discussing the game.
Bong Hit Eric told Howard about a friend of his who worked at a ski mountain. He hooked up with a couple of girls and brought them home. Eric hooked up with one of the girls and she put out for him that night. The next night he got the other girl, who wouldn't put out for his friend. He got both of them that weekend. The guy said that the girls were only 20 years old and he's 33. He said he was believing in God that night.
Howard moved on to take some phone calls after that. A guy who calls himself Crack Boy called in and told Howard that he'd dropped his bong and broke it. He thought he could take another hit off of it but it wasn't working. That led to Howard talking about how High Pitch Erik has apparently taken up smoking pot lately. Howard said that Erik called Sal the Stockbroker and told him that he's smoking pot now because he's famous. He gets all nervous and eats a lot after he smokes so he's going to get even bigger. Sal came in and said that Erik called him the other night and said that he'd gotten so high that he couldn't feel his head. He ordered cheeseburgers and ribs because he thinks that the bar-b-que sauce absorbs the pot somehow.
Another phone caller asked Howard why people can buy alcohol, get in their cars and drive, but they can't smoke a little pot. The guy wasn't making a lot of sense so Howard hung up on him. He ended up talking about a picture of Donald Trump and his fiancee Melania but he didn't like her dress. Trump's wedding is this coming weekend but Howard isn't going to be able to make it. He's got to stick around to celebrate his daughter's birthday. Howard said his daughter said she'd go to the wedding but he wasn't sure she knew what she was talking about so they're not going. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard mentioned the news article he read earlier in the morning about the weatherman who accidentally said ''Martin Luther Coon'' while doing his weather report. He also brought up Richard Christy who said he was on the subway over the weekend and accidentally sat in a homeless guy's diarrhea. He didn't go home to change, he just wiped it off and went out to the bar he was going to. Richard said that he tried to move around at the place so no one would notice the smell. Richard said he hated to wear pants with that crap on there for a few hours but he really wanted to go out. Robin told him he should have bought a new pair. Richard said that was in the middle of the night so there were no stores open. Howard told him he can't be listening to his iPod while he's on the subway, and that's exactly what he was doing. Howard said these guys have to be more alert when they're on the subway. Richard said he just got on the subway and didn't look before he sat down. That's when people started waving at him to let him know he'd just sat in the diarrhea. Richard said he'll know better next time.
Howard said that Ralph called him while he was at the museum and told him to go look at some exhibit that wasn't even there. A guard at the museum asked him to turn his phone off so he ended up blaming someone else saying that he was told he could use the phone in there. Howard thought the place was pretty fun because you can look at art and look out at those apartments. Howard was talking about art and how it's not as easy as people think. He was telling Artie about how tough it is to paint but Artie didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Howard had an audio clip from the Maury Povich show where a woman was crying about weighing over 600 pounds. He played that clip and then took a phone call from a guy who pointed out how funny it was that Howard is still looking to see naked people in an apartment building. Howard talked about how he was really into going to the museum with his daughter. The caller asked Howard if he's ever thought about doing a ''whatever happened to...'' with some of the people he used to have on the show. Howard said they do that once in a while but people don't remember those people. The caller mentioned Elaina Beastie and 'Gina Girl so Howard talked about them for a few seconds.
Another caller brought up the Jets loss over the weekend. The guy was a Steelers fan so he was kind of rubbing it in their faces. That led to the guys talking about football for a few minutes. Gary came in and gave his thoughts on the Steelers and told the guy that they didn't beat the Jets by a huge margin and he doesn't seem to think that they'll beat the Patriots. He said that game should be good though. Howard said he didn't really care about all of that. He said he was wondering why he was wasting his time watching the game on the weekend but he does enjoy the playoffs.
Howard said that he's still going to be broadcasting and he believes that he will win in the end. He thinks that things are going to change for the better. People used to laugh when a few people were paying for a bottle of water, or cable TV. Now everyone does it. He seems to think that it'll be the same thing with satellite radio.
High Pitch Erik called in and told Howard about how weird he feels when he smokes pot. He's 33 years old and just started smoking the stuff. Erik told Howard that he's smoked it in the past but he's just recently started smoking it regularly. Howard had him tell them why he was smoking pot. Erik said it was because it makes him feel good and he can eat after smoking. Howard said Erik has been telling people he smokes because he's famous though. Howard ended up hanging up on Erik after he said he couldn't talk to him anymore.
Another phone caller brought up the Jets again and had Howard and Artie talking about that again for a couple of minutes. The caller also brought up how the stations down in his area keep yanking his show off the air. That led to Howard talking about some dude up in Syracuse who wrote him a letter saying that Howard abandoned them up there. Howard said he didn't abandon them, the station up there yanked his show off the air. Howard didn't have anything to do with that. It was Citadel that took his show off the air for no good reason.
The caller asked Howard if his E! show is going to carry on when he makes his move to satellite. Howard said his current contract with E! runs out in 7 months and he's not sure if they'll be able to come to terms by then. He's hoping to have some kind of show but satellite is going to have the ability to transmit video soon so maybe he'll just do that instead. He's not sure.
Robin reminded Howard that ''American Idol'' starts tonight. Howard said he'll be watching. Robin said it's her least favorite show but she'll have to watch because it's news. Artie said he's going to have to watch because they've been teasing them with a blonde chick who's just awful. That led to Howard talking about The Bachelorette and how he hated women like that when he was in college. He remembered going to a bar called Zelda's in Boston and standing there in a corner the whole night while no women came up to him. He also talked about the new show ''Medium'' with Patricia Arquette. He and Robin both said that they like that show.
Howard had some audio of Madonna performing the song Imagine during a Tsunami relief concert. He said he loves that song but hates Madonna's version of it. Howard said it wasn't that bad, it was just Madonna that he didn't seem to like. He also pointed out that the songs is about world peace and that's not what the tsunami was all about. Howard thought she should have performed ''Wipe Out'' instead. Artie thought that was pretty funny and said Howard should have performed it on that special. Howard and Artie were talking about some of the other songs that she could have performed. Artie said Led Zepplin's ''The Ocean'' would have been a good one. Fred played Howard and The Losers performing Wipe Out on the Magic Johnson show a few years ago. They had a couple of farters blasting away during the song and Howard said he doesn't think they could get away with doing that these days. Howard said he was surprised no one asked them to perform that song for the Tsunami Relief. Artie was talking about how he used to watch the Magic Johnson show every night just so he was prepared to hear Howard and Robin pick it apart the next morning. He reminded Howard that they would spend like 2 hours every morning goofing on the show and picking it apart.
Howard replayed the Daniel Carver/Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard phone call that he played earlier. He took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard to replay the phone call where The Flu called Gary the Retard. Howard played that prank call a few seconds later. That was the call where Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy had Gary the Retard convinced that he was talking to The Flu on the phone and he might get infected and had him saying ''Shoo, shoo, no retarded flu'' so he wouldn't get infected.
Howard thanked Todd Little and the people at 103.7 in San Diego for sending him a bottle of wine. He also got a card from Mariann from Brooklyn who sent him a bunch of scratch off tickets. He said he hates doing those things because you have to scratch that crap off of them. He said he was going to just throw them out but thought that he might be throwing out some money. He ended up winning a dollar on one of the cards so he gave it to Beth who can't let something like that slide by. He said she's going to cash it in and thinks that she's going to win with the next ticket she buys. Howard had to take another commercial break a short time after that.
Howard played another audio clip where Teri Hatcher made a nice speech about winning an award for her role on ''Desperate Housewives.'' She admitted that she was a Has-been and really appreciates the chance to get to work again. Robin said the amazing thing is that William Shatner won an award as well. Howard played another award acceptance speech from Mick Jagger who was kind of funny. Gary said that the chick from ''Lost,'' Evangeline Lilly, was looking really good on the Golden Globe Awards. Howard said that they really have to figure out a way to get her on the show and into the RoboSpanker. Gary said they should also learn her name first. Howard said she looked amazing on that show.
A phone caller brought up The Surreal Life so the guys were talking about Verne Troyer (Mini Me) and how tough it has to be for him on that show. Gary told Howard about how freaked out Verne was on the show when the celebrities had to babysit a bunch of kids. Verne hated it because kids get freaked out when they see him. Verne expected that and knew that they would react to him in a weird way when they saw him. Ralph Cirella called in and brought up the party Beth threw for Howard the other night. He mentioned that Artie wasn't drinking all that much that night. That led to Howard talking about how Ralph screwed up the seating when he just sat down without thinking about where other people were going to sit. Ralph was also the only one who didn't give Howard a gift. Howard said that's fine but it was interesting that he was the only guy who didn't bring anything. Gary made him a book with pictures from their career that was really cool. Robin gave him a bracelet that was nice. The book that Gary got him is something that's not done yet so he can finish it up later in his career. There were pictures going all the way back to their WNBC days. Artie gave him two bottles of Scotch. Howard doesn't drink that stuff but Artie said that he can use it for entertaining. Artie said that it's the best Scotch out there. Artie said that each bottle was about $85. Howard said that he's going to give them to other people as gifts.
The guys were talking about this guy Richie who was making weird comments that night. At one point he said something about Howard looking like Joey Ramone in one of the old pictures Gary put in that book he gave him. Artie said that there was something funny that happened after that. He said that Howard was goofing on Richie talking about the dumb stuff he says out loud. He mentioned that and said that Richie says stuff like ''Hey, that waiter is kind of ugly...'' and the waiter heard Howard say that. Artie said the guy looked pretty surprised when he heard that.
Gary brought in a clip from the TV show Inside the Actors Studio where Jamie Foxx broke down and cried. Foxx was crying about the death of his grandmother. Fred seems to think that he was faking it but Howard wasn't so sure about that. He thought the other guys were just being cynical.
Ross Zapin called in to tell Howard how ungrateful he was. Howard was talking about the photo printer that he got from Ross saying that he won't use it. Ross was also complaining about his back hurting so Howard told him about Dr. Sarno's books and how he should read that stuff before he goes to the doctor over that stuff.
Howard was wondering if Robin has been getting Botox injections because she's looking so good these days. She said that she hasn't done that but Ralph said she must have had at least a nose job done years ago. Robin said that's not the case either. Robin started a game at the party the other night where everyone had to reveal their real ages. They did that to find out how old Ralph really is. Ralph is 39 1/2 years old but he admits that he lies about his age all the time.
Howard said that he saw a woman on the Golden Globes sniffing her fingers as she was applauding. He said he was pausing it with his TiVo. Howard said he was also keeping an eye on Paul Giamatti who played Pig Virus in his movie ''Private Parts.'' Howard thinks he gave Giamatti his first break and he should be thanking him for that but he never gets any acknowledgement. Howard said he thinks that Paul is becoming a huge star and that's great because when they do a retrospective of his career, they'll have to play stuff from Private Parts where Paul is doing scenes with him. Howard let Ross and Ralph go a short time later so he could go to commercial break.
A listener called in during the news and told Howard about how the Army is calling up a bunch of reservists that haven't been in the service for 8 years. The caller said that he never thought he'd be called back in and it's pretty scary. Howard said that he brought that up before the election happened and he warned people that this kind of thing was going on. Howard had Robin finish up her news and they ended the show around 10:20am.
Howard said he had a big night last night. He watched American Idol while he was TiVo'ing The Biggest Loser on another channel. He said they managed to stretch that show out a little longer by doing an extra show after the finale. The women who were on the show were thinking that they looked great but they were still 80 pounds overweight. He said they were talking about how their little weight loss was ''good enough'' but they were still fat. One woman was still 182 pounds but she's still overweight. Robin said that guys are able to lose weight easier than women because they have bigger muscle mass. Howard said it's the weak disposition that stops them from losing the weight. Howard played an audio clip of a woman talking about being overweight, at over 600 pounds, and how she can't leave her house. That was from the Maurey Povich show. The woman completely freaked out saying that she didn't want to be in that body of hers. Howard and the guys said ''welcome to the club'' because they don't want to be in their bodies either. Artie said he knows that he's fat because he eats like a pig. The other people aren't willing to admit that for some reason. Howard played through more of the tape and Artie goofed on the woman for a few minutes.
Howard played some audio from American Idol and goofed on that as well. Howard said that Kidd Chris had already taken audio from the show and put music to it within minutes. Howard and Robin said that these kids and their computers these days are amazing because they can do stuff like that so fast. Howard went on to talk about how great e-mail is for work because he can get stuff so quick.
Double A said he had sex with a chick over the weekend and had sex with her for over 5 hours. Howard wondered how that chick must have looked. Howard wondered if those girls go home with him with out him using a knife or a gun. Double A said the girl was 23 years old and she was hot. Gary came in and gave Howard some pictures of some of the girls that Double A has hung out with in the past. He claimed that the girl he was with over the weekend was even hotter than the chicks in the picture. Artie talked about the chick that was hanging out with Double A one night at a comedy show he came to. Artie thought she was a 9 and wondered if he banged her. Double A said he did bang that one. Double A told Howard that the tattoo of Howard on his forearm is the thing that gets the chicks. He's got a rap and he can pick up the chicks no problem.
Howard reenacted what it must be like when Double A shows a chick his tattooed arm. Artie was screaming like a chick might do when Double A whips out his tattoo and shows it to them. Howard went on to ask Double A about how goes about picking up these chicks. He said that they recognize him from Howard's E! show and he works it from there. He said he can get girls back up to his room within 30 minutes. Double A claims that he doesn't use drugs and never has. He said ''I have never did a drug'' so Howard had to correct his grammer. Double A told the guys that he has had hookers in the past but he's also able to pick chicks up when he goes out.
Double A doesn't want to get serious with chicks so that's why he usually just bangs them and never sees them again. He said that the one girl he would marry is Beth O, Howard's girlfriend. He said she's something special. Double A told Artie that he was talking to Bong Hit Eric last night and he's going down to see Artie at a comedy show he's doing at The Electric Factory in Philadelphia. He said they all hook up and hang out. Howard said a lot of these guys don't work so they have time to do stuff like that.
A phone caller told Howard that Double A was probably making all of this stuff up because he looked like such a fag on the E! show last night. Double A just let that go and said there's a lot of jealousy out there in this world. Another caller thought that Double A was getting a little excited during that E! show and may have been sporting wood. Double A said that wasn't true, he wasn't gay for Triple H.
Howard took another call from a guy who claims that Double A was smoking weed out in Las Vegas last year but Double A said that's not true. He's never done that stuff. Double A asked Howard if he ever thought about getting liposuction or anything like that to get rid of that little bit of belly fat he has. Howard said he would never do that. He let Double A go a short time after that. He told Artie he doesn't think that guy is really getting laid. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard said he was reading an article about Ted Kennedy accidentally calling Barack Obama the wrong name while talking about him one day. Howard had tape of the screw up so he played that. He called him ''Osama bin La... Osama Obama.'' Howard then played a parody of an ''American Idol'' commercial featuring High Pitch Erik and Beetlejuice. The guys spent a short time talking about ''American Idol'' after that. Howard was going to play some other clips but he wasn't able to find them. He ended up playing Sal the Stockbroker's rap song instead. He eventually found the American Idol clip he was looking for. He'd played it earlier in the show and misplaced the tape.
Howard said things have been pretty nice around there this week because Tom Chiusano was away at some Manager's conference. He called it the ''Boring, Uncreative People Conference.'' He goofed on Tom for a couple of minutes. Artie told Howard he had to do stand up at a management conference one time and the room was full of a bunch of stiffs. Howard read that Mike Piazza is getting married to some chick from Baywatch. Howard said that Piazza said that he must have matured and that's why he's getting married. Howard figures the rumors about Piazza being gay must have been untrue. He went on to talk about another thing he saw in the paper. There was a picture of Brad Pitt walking on the beach alone. There's another picture in the paper of Brad and Angelina Jolie hanging out but both of their publicists pointed out that it's a phony picture. Howard said that's right because Brad's hand is coming through Angelina like she's a ghost. The guys talked about how Brad has probably been with other women already even though he and Jennifer Aniston just split up recently.
Chaunce Hayden called in and reminded Howard about Leslie Bibb from his movie. She's had a pretty successful career since doing ''Private Parts.'' Chaunce said she won't even come on Howard's show because she thinks it would hurt her career. Howard said that's ridiculous, no one is even thinking about her. Howard said that a great actress like Marg Helgenberger comes on and doesn't even worry about anything like that. Artie said that Marg was a great interview and she had a great sense of humor. Howard let Chaunce go a short time later.
Another phone caller wondered if Howard boosted Ivan Reitman's career. Howard said that Ivan helped him out with that whole thing and he was already a big producer, he had nothing to do with it. Howard thinks that Betty Thomas' best movie was ''Private Parts'' to him. He didn't think that many of her other movies were all that great. Howard said he spoke to Ivan recently about doing something but he didn't think it was the right time for whatever it was. Howard said Betty Thomas asked him to be the voice of a pigeon in ''Dr. Doolittle'' but he turned it down. He thought it was an insult for an actor of his caliber.
A listener called in and asked Howard if Beth is in this local TV commercial that he's seen. Howard said that she is in a commercial that has Michael Buffer in it as well. Howard took another call from a guy who wondered why Howard's eyes are constantly shifting his eyes back and forth when he's on camera. Howard said it's just something his eyes do and he doesn't even realize they're doing that. Robin said it seems like they do that when he's thinking. Howard said a scientist contacted him about that years ago and said that Einstein, Hitler and Steven Hawking are a few people who do the same thing. Howard said he thinks that it may be a genius thing. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard thought that Eric was kind of sickly looking but Eric says that he's not. Howard said he saw a picture that someone sent him but he wasn't sure if it was really Eric. He figured that Eric should play the part of someone from another planet. Eric said he wouldn't play a part like that. Eric didn't sound all that thrilled about the idea of playing a part in this ''American Dreams'' show either. Howard was kind of bummed about the lack of excitement coming from Eric. They had him repeating lines that they were creating on the spot. There was no script for him yet so they had to come up with their own stuff. Howard was making up stuff for him but Eric wasn't really trying hard to play the part. He wasn't showing any emotion and he didn't want to repeat some of Howard's lines because they weren't serious. Eric finally repeated one line ''Those Gooks killed my brother'' so Howard and Artie made it sound like he'd gone over the line with that one, even though Howard was the one who suggested it.
Jonathan told Howard that they are going to write Eric a part and he'll probably make about $900 for the day of work. Eric lives up near San Francisco so he has to figure out a way to get down to L.A. A phone caller said they could make Eric a talking ottoman or something like that instead of playing a person. Eric wouldn't play that part though. Another caller said that maybe Eric could be the victim of Agent Orange. That might work. The ideas were flying after that. Artie said that Eric could play the part of a soldier's helmet. More phone callers were suggesting things like Eric playing the part of Stephen Hawkings as a young man. Howard liked that idea but Jonathan didn't think that would fly. Artie suggested that Eric play the part of a land mind... The land mine that his brother steps on.
Howard tried to broker a part in the movie for Eric. He said that he wants at least 5 lines and that he demands to act with Brittany Snow. Howard was also trying to get him $3000 a day in cash. He also said he needs special transportation and 2 first class tickets to get down to L.A. Eric said that Southwest airlines would work for him. He does need someone to fly with him to help him get around. He gave a bunch of ideas to Jonathan but Jonathan was laughing as he was telling him this stuff. Jonathan said he was dead serious about this stuff. He said he'd take the daily's and send them to Howard to check out. Howard was demanding a lot of stuff for Eric. Jonathan sounded like he might actually follow through with some of it. Howard was still coming up with ideas for the show but they were a bit too goofy to actually make it to the air.
A listener called in and didn't get why Eric wasn't more excited about this whole thing. He pointed out that Eric wasn't showing any appreciation for this whole thing. Howard still pushed to help get Eric the part. Jonathan said that they'll put something together and get Eric down there to shoot the show. Eric asked Jonathan how Dick Clark was doing before Howard let him go. Jonathan said that Dick is doing well and thanked him for asking. Robin asked Eric if he's going to be back on the show now that he's been given this opportunity. Eric said it's not really up to him, his family isn't happy that he appears on Howard's show. Eric said that his name is not Eric the Midget, it's Eric S. Lynch. Howard said that no one knows him by that name so he has to be credited as Eric the Midget. Jonathan said that they'll probably get this thing shot and on the air by March. Howard said he thinks he can build a great career for Eric. Howard had to get going after that. Eric thanked Howard for the chance so Howard told him not to blow it. He let the two of them go and took one last phone call. The caller said that Eric could play the part of a soldier who went over to Vietnam and got hit with radiation that sucked all of his personality and charisma out of him. Howard seemed to think that was pretty funny. He went to commercial break right after that.
Howard said the AVN Porn Awards were held recently and Richard Christy came in to talk about that stuff since he's such a porn connoisseur. Richard said that he's got a few new starlets that he's going to have to check out now that he's seen them on the porn awards. They interviewed a people out there and one of the girls calls herself Brittany Rears. Howard played some audio from that interview. Gary Garver went out there to do the interviewing. He interviewed Brittany Rears and asked her who her role models are. She said that Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick are her role models. Gary Garver also interviewed Cytheria and asked her about the awards that she was up for. As Howard was playing the clip the delay was hi for some reason. She must have said something that was a bit too racy. Cytheria ended up winning Best New Starlett so Howard played a clip of that presentation as well. She thanked her mom in her acceptance speech. Howard thought that was just wrong and not something that a porn star should do. Howard had a clip of the host, Thea Vidale doing some of her material. Savanna Samson was there and told a joke of her own. Howard continued to play some of the porn award presentations. They picked out some of the funny acceptance speeches to play.
Zolar and Miss Howard Stern ended up at the AVN Awards. The band Lit was trying to play but Zolar and Miss Howard Stern wandered on stage and said a few words as the band was starting to play. They apparently pulled the microphone away from Miss Howard Stern as she was trying to say a few words. There was one guy giving a speech that mentioned Howard's name and screwed up the pronunciation of a few other guy's names.
Gary Garver interviewed Heidi Fleiss and she told him about the brothel that she's building out in Nevada that will be an exact replica of the White House. She said there will be a $5,000 entry fee just to get in the place. Gary Garver interviewed Jesse Jane who talked a little bit about dating Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Howard cut that segment off so he could get to this woman Palagia who had been waiting for a while to come in.
Howard asked what he will see at one of these parties. She said that not all of the people have sex at the parties. She said that there were people who did some sexual things at her first party. After that first party, it turned into a regular thing for her. She now throws parties about 2 or 3 times a month. She has two different types of parties, Eat In or Take Out. She holds them in various places. They can be in a club or at someone's apartment. She said that at the clubs they're only allowed to have women topless, nothing else. She said that the guys who show up to the events really need to clean up better then they do. Palagia told Howard about how the parties go and how everyone has to disrobe at 12:30am exactly. That way everyone is on the same level. There are people who will swap partners at the parties and there are some who just watch.
Howard was going crazy trying to figure out what happens at the different parties because Palagia was confusing him. She had to change her wording so Howard would understand better. Palagia has about 1000 members in this club of hers. Howard gave her a plug for her web site OneLegUpNYC.com and took some phone calls after that. One guy complained about the women in New York City not looking so good. Another caller asked how he could get a job with Palagia but she's not looking for anyone. One guy told Howard to stop with the stupid questions and ask Palagia about lesbian stuff. Howard read some stuff about what has gone on at these parties and had trouble communicating with Palagia for some reason. He brought up a story about a couple of guys who were pleasuring each other. Palagia doesn't think that it's gay for a couple of straight guys to explore their sexuality. Both Howard and Artie disagreed with her about that. They both said that stuff is gay.
Howard wanted to tell a story about one woman who showed up at a party but he wasn't able to give us the details because of FCC worries. The delay ended up getting hit at one point during the discussion. A phone caller asked what age range there is at these parties. Palagia said that it ranges from about 21 to 42 but she would approve Howard to show up to one of the parties if he wanted to. A woman who has been to some of the parties called in and told Howard how great they are. Howard found out that the woman is 5'6'' tall and weighs 138 pounds so he wasn't too thrilled about that. He told her that she could lose a few pounds. He let her tell her story about going to the party but she he was having some trouble communicating with her as well. He eventually got a bit of a lame story out of her about her first lesbian kiss. He said it was too difficult to talk to her and there are a lot of women like that. Howard gave up and wrapped up the interview a short time later.
A listener called in during the news and told Howard a story about how his girlfriend has stopped having sex with him lately because she's on some new birth control shot. Howard told the guy that it obviously works if she's not even willing to have sex with him. He also told the guy that if she was really into him, she'd want to have sex with him. Howard seems to think that she's just not into him anymore. The caller said that his girlfriend claims that she can't have sex for 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after using the birth control. Howard suggested that he get out of that relationship. He said that if she's not even using her mouth on the guy, she just doesn't care. The guy changed subjects and tried to ask Artie about getting tickets for a comedy show but Howard cut him off and hung up on him.
Another caller asked Howard about his relationship with Beth and how they never argue. Howard said they had one argument during their vacation but they got over it pretty quick. He doesn't believe that arguing is healthy for a relationship. He keeps stuff bottled up inside. Robin said that'll lead to him exploding at some point. Howard said that Beth is very accepting of him and she doesn't mind that he doesn't want to get married or have kids. Other people that know Beth will tell her that it's not good that Howard doesn't want to get married and they bug her about it. Howard and Robin argued about whether or not they should be concerned about what other people think about their relationship. Howard said they do have to talk about it but Robin said they should just ignore other people and let them talk if they want to.
A phone caller asked Howard what kind of guests he thinks he'll get when he makes his move to satellite in a year. Howard said he doesn't know about that but he really doesn't care if they don't ever have another guest again. He's just going to start over again over there and take it as it comes. Howard had Robin finish up her news and they ended the show around 10:30am.
Howard said they had a big show coming up... Sort of. He read some news about David Letterman having jokes written by Johnny Carson, sometimes up to 5 jokes a day. Carson sits on his boat and actually writes the stuff for Letterman. Howard said that Letterman is in love with Carson for some reason. Howard also said that Paul Shaffer sat in for Dave on last night's show. Dave had to go accept some award for his race car team so Paul sat in. Howard played some audio of Paul telling a few jokes that actually went over pretty well. Paul did pretty well for a few seconds but then it kind of petered out. Howard had a phony Evil Dave bit that was supposed to have been written by Johnny Carson. Evil Dave told a bunch of jokes about Paul being gay.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked about his sleep problems. The caller wondered if Howard has ever had sleep walking issues in his life. Howard said he's never had that problem, although Fred is sleep walking through the show today. He said sometimes he does scream in his sleep from what he's heard from his girlfriend. The caller said that he lost a girlfriend because he once shoved her face into a pillow while he was sleeping. Howard said he woke Beth up one night ''farting violently'' in his sleep. He sometimes takes Ambien to get himself to sleep and that works well but he's not sure if that leads to the screaming in his sleep. He said the screaming really isn't a problem for him, he sleeps right through it. The caller also asked Artie to get rid of his Fu Man Chu moustache because it looks like a mess on the E! show. Artie apologized for not looking attractive to the guy but he wasn't going to shave.
Howard saw a picture of an elephant being trained to use a toilet over in Thailand. He read the article about how they're training the elephant to use this giant toilet that's been created just for elephants. They're trying to do that to limit the amount of doody on the streets over there. The article was in the NY Daily News this morning. Artie checked out the picture and thought it was pretty funny.
Another phone caller told Howard that Jay Leno ripped Howard off again doing ''mystery guest'' on The Tonight Show last night. Howard spent a minute on that and talked about what a phony Leno is. Another caller asked Howard how far along he is with his ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' cartoon. Howard said they have a few scripts written up. They're going to do some test animation but they need to come up with about 7 or 8 more scripts before they go into the full animation. Robin wondered when they'll actually see the cartoon. Howard guessed it'll be about 2015. The caller wondered if Howard can put up any pictures for the cartoon on his web site. Howard said he can't do that because then people will think that the cartoon should be on TV at that point. The caller ended up asking Howard about smoking weed. Howard talked about the stuff he used to smoke and how it wasn't all that strong. These days the stuff is much stronger. Howard also talked about hanging out with a celebrity who made pot brownies one time. The guy does that so the paparazzi won't see him smoking the stuff.
Howard believes that the next step in his career, going to satellite, is going to be the biggest thing he's ever done. The caller said that this is going to be the ''second coming of radio.'' The guy then told Artie that he looks odd with that moustache of his. He said he looks like a cross between John Belushi and the cop from The Village People. The guy took a hit off his bong and Howard went to break after that.
Howard read a story about OJ Simpson's daughter Sydney being picked up the cops for disorderly conduct. She refused to stop yelling at cops that were called to show up to a fight that was going on. The article said she refused to quiet down after being asked a bunch of times. Howard said that's just another Simspon on the loose.
Howard said that American Idol is getting huge ratings this season. They had about 33 million viewers on their season premiere. He read an article about the show and how the producers are surprised that they got bigger ratings than last year. Howard thinks he knows who will win the contest already. There was a hot blond who sings country songs on the show last night and Howard seems to think that she's going to win the whole thing. He talked about how much he hates Paula Abdul because she's such a phony on the show. He said that Simon Cowell makes that show because he's honest. He played a couple of clips from the show to give examples of how bad some of the singers are.
Howard said he does get mad when he sees that ''American Idol'' is a success because he was doing stuff like this back when he was working in Detroit. He used to have record company execs come in and critique singers. He should have turned that into a TV show back then. Howard said he ended up getting discovered himself because of the stuff he was doing back then. That led to Howard talking about the money he used to get when he was working back in Washington DC. He said he was making about $40,000 at that time. He had offers from a couple of other stations, including one up in Canada. Howard said that he could have made better money up in Canada but he didn't want to leave the country.
Howard played more clips from ''American Idol'' after that. There were many people on the show who thought they could sing but turned out to be horrible. One guy thought he could sing like Brian McKnight but Howard thought he sounded more like Eddie Murphy singing ''Roxanne'' while wearing headphones. Another guy came in and sang a David Hasslehoff song. Howard said that the guy was a big, fat white guy and he figures it had to have been a goof. The guy was horrible. Robin said that she got a ''Wendy the Retard flash'' when she saw that guy last night.
A guy calling himself Artie's Bald Spot called in and said that he's taking over the show more and more every day. Artie said that his bald spot has become startling lately. He has plenty of hair in the front of his head, it's just vanishing in the back. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Howard played Fred the Elephant Boy's version of REM's ''It's the End of the World'' which was no worse than the performances on ''American Idol.'' Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy asked Howard if he knew that High Pitch Erik was out of the closet. He claims to have seen him out at a gay club but it turned out to be a phony call. The guy was calling in from Kentucky and said he missed Howard already. Howard said he just found out about the problem today. He said he knew that when he announced that he was leaving radio to go to satellite, it was going to mean the end of his terrestrial radio career. Stations have been dropping the show over the past few months and it will probably continue to happen until he leaves. Howard went on to talk about the first time he was fined and how the FCC has gotten even worse lately. He talked about the FCC fining TV stations over things that they shouldn't be fined for. Howard believes that his move is a big ''F-You'' to the government. His own company won't help him fight the FCC fines so he doesn't feel bad about making his move to satellite. The industry looks at it like he's screwing them over but the industry didn't back him up with the FCC stuff. Howard knows that his show is coming to an end but he thinks that all of these companies are making a mistake by dropping it early. They have a chance to make some big money over the next 11 months but they're blowing it. Howard pointed out that Farid Suleman at Citadel is one guy who is acting bizarre by taking his show off of all of their stations. The caller asked if he could be put back on hold so he could listen to the show a little more. Howard did that while he took a call from the woman who slept with her step-son.
One night they ended up in a hot tub with the son and the husband. The son's girlfriend had to go to bed because it was too late for her. The husband told Sue to take off her top so she did that since she was a little drunk. She said that she refused at first but did flash her husband. The son saw the flash so she could tell that he was excited over that. He was sitting behind her at the time so that's how she knew. Sue said she gave the son a hug and rubbed into him a little bit. They started kissing right in front of the husband and she didn't think it was strange at all. She said that the step-son is attractive and she just went ahead and did her thing with the son. Robin said this sounds like the father and son have been through this stuff before. Sue told Howard more details about her experience. She said that they were in a public pool in the apartment complex that they were staying at. They didn't get completely naked because of that. They eventually moved it back up to the apartment and finished it off. The son lasted about a total of 10 or 15 minutes. The husband sat back and watched what was going on. He was wondering if they were going to continue doing stuff. Sue said that they're back home now and haven't done anything yet but the son is supposed to be coming over and they will probably continue it. Sue said that the son is bigger than his father. She claims that they both satisfy her equally but she also said that the son can last longer than her husband. He went 3 times that one night they were together.
Sue told a story about giving the son oral that night after they'd already had sex. She says she's on the pill and the kid used a condom so she's not going to get pregnant. She claims that she had sex with her husband that night as well. They never told the son's girlfriend about what went on of course. Sue said she's into women but wasn't into the girlfriend because she wasn't attractive to her. Howard wondered if she'd be willing to do 3 generations of that family. She said she will not be doing the grandfather because he's pretty old.
Howard said he wouldn't normally believe a story like this but he has documentation. He had the E! guys put up the pictures of her in her pink bikini so Artie could check them out. Sue said she doesn't think she's going to fall in love with the son, except from the waist down. A phone caller said a few words to her in Italian letting her know what a whore she was. Howard thinks that the husband doesn't care if he loses her or not. Sue doesn't seem to think that's the case though. Another phone caller said this was the hottest story he's ever heard. He has a step-mother himself so he was getting thoughts of doing stuff as well. Another guy said he thinks we'll be seeing these people going at each other's throats on Jerry Springer in a couple of months.
Howard wanted to find out more about what this woman does for a living but she didn't want to say. She said that she has a pretty normal job. Hook Nose Mike called in and asked if Sue would let her husband sleep with his son's girlfriend. Sue said she would but she doesn't think she's attractive at all. Mike also wondered if they could put her pictures up on Howard's web site. Sue asked that they not do that because she doesn't want people to know who she is. A woman down in the Miami area called in and said that she was able to pull his show in from a Fort Myers station down there. Howard told her that there is a future because everyone will be able to get the show when he makes his move. Howard told Sue to call back in when they make their move to satellite because they'll be able to talk in more detail at that point. Sue didn't think that this whole thing was any worse than ''It's Just Wrong'' but Howard and Artie thought it was beyond being wrong.
Howard got a chance to talk to Sue's husband before he got off the phone. He told the guy that he doesn't understand why he's sharing his wife with his son. The husband said that they're swingers and they haven't found a couple that's as normal as they are so that's why he's letting that go on. The husband did reveal that they live in Arizona and didn't realize what he was doing. The guy said that he shouldn't have said that but he figured that it's a big state and no one will find out who they are. There was at least one delay hit during the discussion they had. The husband said that they have a ton more pictures of her available. Howard asked the guy to send in more pictures so they can check them out. The husband told Howard about some of the other stuff that Sue has thoughts about. She wants to get a guy who doesn't know she's married. She'll bring the guy back to the house and have sex with him while the husband watches. The husband has already drilled a hole in the closet door so he can watch. Howard thought that the guy was going to end up killing someone or something like that. The husband said he wouldn't do that unless the guy heard him in the closet and freaked out. There were some other stories that the husband was telling but the delay got hit a couple of times. The guy said that he's going to have sex with Sue this morning because he's all worked up now. Sue got back on the line a few seconds later so Howard could say goodbye to her. Sue did want to say hello to some of her friends that were listening to her on the radio this morning. The delay was hit when she said something about that and Howard suggested that she not mention any friend's names on the air. He let her go after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said the call was the most disgusting thing she's ever heard. Howard said he was wondering if he could catch any diseases over the phone like Gary the Retard thinks he can. He thought about that during Sue's call. He played the prank call that Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy made to Gary the Retard where Richard pretended to be ''The Flu'' and tried to convince Gary that he was going to get sick over the phone. They went to break after that.
Howard said they have a new feature on his web site that was inspired by Page 6. They call it Page 69 on Howard's web site. Howard said that Will and Jason report on the odd things that go on there at the station. Robin wanted to hear some of the stuff that they have on there so Howard told her about Sal the Stockbroker being in the bathroom with Gary. Sal apparently looked at him while he was peeing and started to talk to him. Gary and Sal came in and talked about that weird situation. Gary said he never talks about that stuff off the air and he certainly doesn't want to talk to Sal about it. There was another story about Fred and Scott DePace arguing about who's a better father. You can check the story out at HowardStern.com. That led to Howard telling another story about Scott DePace being at Scores with them one day. Scott was getting a lap dance when his phone rang. It was his son so he put ''Uncle Artie'' on the phone. Artie was drunk and didn't know what to say to the kid. The kid was screaming for his daddy but he stayed on the phone for a good 5 minutes. He ended up talking to Scott's wife Pam for 5 minutes while he was trying to relax at Scores. Scott just let the lap dance go on while Artie talked to his kid and wife.
Howard played a remix of the Mary Roach performance from ''American Idol'' where they added music to her awful performance. Howard had another clip of her singing as well that was even worse than her first.
Kathie Lee Gifford was on ''Good Day Live'' talking about the off Broadway show that she wrote. Howard said he heard that the show wasn't all that bad. Howard played some audio clips from that appearance and talked about how wacky Kathie Lee is. Kathie Lee was talking about the reviews that her show got and how the bad ones are more about her than about her show. She also rambled on and on about her kids. After hearing some of that, Artie said that they should take those kids away from her. Howard believes that Kathie Lee's son Cody, is probably already listening to him. The kid is 15 years old now and he thinks that the kid will eventually be on his show. After hearing her rambling on that show Howard said he think's she's mental. She was saying that she hangs up on girls that call her son at home. Howard said that she's religious like George Bush is religious and they don't even know what they're reading when they read the bible. Kathie Lee said that it's okay for the girls to e-mail her son, just not call him at home.
Howard said he has a big meeting with Viacom's Joel Hollender today. He said he hopes that it's not a waste of time but he does have to talk about the agreement the company made with the FCC last year that could get him fired. Fred finally found the phone call that Janks was talking about so he played it as they were going to commercial break. Janks called in and made a $500,000 pledge during the telethon and then said that he would ''like to make hot monkey love to Howard Stern.'' The hosts of the telethon went off on the guy and begged for money after the $500,000 pledge turned out to be fake.
Colin is heading over to Iraq to do some comedy shows. He said they were supposed to go this week but they were stopped from going because it's too dangerous. Howard wondered if we're eventually going to see Colin getting beheaded after he gets kidnapped over there. Colin asked that if that does happen, that people not download it for free. That led to Howard bringing up Colin's computer use and how it ended his marriage. He was cheating on his wife and she caught him by reading his Instant Messages to the other woman.
Howard reminded everyone that Colin was on the show last for the Hollyweird Squares thing they did. At the time they had Daniel Carver of the KKK and rapper Trick Daddy there and things were getting kind of scary. Colin said he couldn't help but laugh at Daniel Carver's comments but Trick Daddy's people were getting pissed about what he was saying so it was kind of scary. Howard asked Colin about his upcoming trip to Iraq. Colin said he was trying to keep that from his parents but now he's going to have to tell them about the trip. He said they'll be in Iraq for about 10 days and then they head over to Afghanistan to entertain the troops over there. Howard wondered what scares him more, a crazy gun battle or his ex-wife reading his Instant Messages. Colin said the ex-wife thing makes him sadder. He would be more scared if he was kidnapped and got beheaded. Colin told Howard that he will mention his name if he gets kidnapped. Colin said that he probably won't mention Howard's name because they're not too fond of the Jews. He might yell out ''Fa Fa Fooey'' instead. Howard said he saw one of the beheading videos and it changed his whole outlook on humanity. Colin offered to mention the satellite thing if he gets kidnapped. Howard asked him to say something about him making his move to Sirius if that does happen. Howard said that he'll take care of the funeral if he does that. Colin told him he doesn't have to pay for the whole thing.
Howard had Robin start her news but that was interrupted when a woman called in and mentioned Artie's DVD ''It's the Whiskey Talkin.'' She said it was out of control. She's also going to see Artie in Philadelphia this weekend and she hopes that the weather doesn't stop that from happening. Artie said he'll be there, don't worry about it.
Howard replayed the Paul Shaffer and Evil Dave Letterman bit he played earlier in the morning. He also read some e-mail he's gotten lately. Someone corrected him on the ''Pig Virus'' and ''Pig Vomit'' confusion they thought he had about the character Paul Giamatti played in ''Private Parts.'' Howard said the name he really called that guy when he worked at WNBC was Pig Virus. They had to change it for the movie, to Pig Vomit. Howard wasn't even sure what the reasoning was behind that change. Howard read through the rest of the e-mail quickly and ended up playing another clip from ''American Idol'' before having Robin get back to her news.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked Colin if he went home with the ''spit whores'' that were on the show the last time he was on. Colin said he didn't because the girls had to head home that day. Howard cut Jeff off to take a call from Yucko the Clown who wanted to comment on the inauguration but his phone connection was horrible so Howard asked him to call in from a decent phone.
A woman called in and told Colin that if he makes it back from Iraq without being beheaded, she'll love him long time. She said that she's 5'10'' tall and weighs just 110 pounds. She also claims that she had C-cup breasts. She's only 23 years old and she bartends in a strip club. Howard said that sounds like Colin's type. Colin told the woman that he doesn't drink anymore so he won't be drinking with her. She told Artie that she'd drink with him instead. Howard hung up on her and took another commercial break.
High Pitch Erik called in and said he got his first tattoo yesterday. He said it's his initials, HPE, with ''True Player'' underneath it with some playing cards. He asked Howard if he wanted to see the tattoo tomorrow. Howard hung up on him and had Robin finish her news. Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard started off the show talking about this guy, Rob Blair, in Las Vegas who got fired from doing the weather on a TV station after accidentally saying ''Martin Luther Coon'' day. Howard said that the show is not run live but that line still managed to get out for some reason. Howard had the audio clip where the guy said ''Martin Luther Coo... King day'' as he was doing his report. Howard said that it sounds like the guy wasn't making a racial slur. It sounded like he just flubbed and didn't say his line correctly. The reason they didn't go back and fix it is because no one even thought anything of the slip up. Nobody was freaking out at the time so they let it air. Fred said it sounded like he was mixing up ''King and Junior'' as he was rushing to get the line out. Robin agreed and said that it wasn't a big deal and they could have just said that the guy should just be more sensitive. He didn't kill anyone. Howard said that they tape these local shows and only fix major screw ups and that wasn't one. Howard wasn't sure why a news program is pre-taped like that but it was in a small market. He read an article about what happened and how the station ended up firing the guy over that slip up. Blair apparently went on the air and apologized for the screw up and thought that he'd said ''Martin Luther Kong Jr'' but that wasn't helping his case. Howard said that he wouldn't apologize if he didn't have a bad thought in his head like that. He replayed the clip and spent a little more time talking about that.
Captain Janks called in and said that if Blair thought that it was a racial slur himself, he would have asked for them to retape that segment since it was a pre-taped show. Howard said it's possible the guy heard Daniel Carver on his show saying ''Martin Lucifer Coon'' and had that on his mind but that's not a reason to fire the guy. He seems to think that they took it too far because ''we're all so perfect...'' Janks asked Howard to play the Shepperd Smith clip where he screwed up the term ''Curb Job'' and ''Blow Job.'' Smith didn't finish the word Job and managed to correct himself live on the air. Fred had to go searching around for that clip but eventually found it. Howard didn't get to it right away though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw the movie ''Elektra'' and Jennifer Garner's ass is starting to look like Jennifer Lopez's. That led to Howard talking about how bad Jennifer Garner was in ''Elektra.'' He said she came off really flat and the posing she was doing in the movie was really bad. He's never seen her in ''Alias'' but she was awful in ''Elektra.'' Hook Nose Mike called in and gave Howard an update on his daughter who had some problems with her private parts. He said that the medication she's taking is working. The guys spent a short time talking about the problem that the girl has with her ''area'' closing up and how the medication makes it open. Mike also told Howard he thought that the weather guy was trying to get out King and Junior at the same time just like Fred thought. Howard said that's not even an FCC issue because that's not something they enforce. Mike also asked to go to the comedy show that Artie is doing tomorrow night in Philadelphia. It's sold out but Artie told him he'd get him in. Howard went to break right after that. Fred played the Shepperd Smith clip that Janks asked to hear as they went to commercial.
Howard said he got a weird phone call recently. He said that Gary went into a meeting and heard that Hall and Oates wanted to do the show. Howard said they should have done it 20 years ago though. Howard also mentioned that he loves this Patty Smyth song ''Goodbye To You'' so Fred threw that in and played it. Patty is supposed to be getting back together with her band Scandal so they wanted to come on the show as well. Howard said Gary got a call about that as well but turned down the offer to have them on the show. Gary tried to be very diplomatic and said the band doesn't fit their station's format. Howard said Patty called him and left a message on his machine all pissed off so he's going to have her on so they can play that on the air. Right now he doesn't have her permission to play it. They have to have her in because Howard thinks the call is amazingly funny. Now he thinks that Hall and Oates are going to be leaving messages on his machine as well. Howard seems to think that Patty may have picked up some pointers from her husband John McEnroe. She yelled at him pretty good and now he can't wait to have her on the show. Howard turned down an offer to do John's talk show at one time so the guys talked about that as well. Howard wondered if he should put Patty in the RoboSpanker because of what she said to him.
Captain Janks called in and told Howard he'd give him five songs that would make Howard change his mind about Hall and Oates. He mentioned ''Rich Girl'' and said it would be great to hear them perform that on the air. Janks said they really have some great music and still sound really good. Robin said that Blondie still sounds good but they're not booking them on the show either. Howard said the message he got from Patty was funny but kind of embarrassing. He said that he wanted to tell her that even when she's 90 he's going to have her on the show. Janks suggested having Patty and Hall and Oates at the same time just to kill two birds with one stone. Howard just laughed after hearing that suggestion. Howard was talking about all of the kids that Patty and John McEnroe have and Robin said it sounds like the Brady Bunch. Howard said they're nothing like the Brady Bunch. Mrs. Brady never left a phone message like Patty did.
Howard had his meeting with Joel Hollender yesterday. He said that they had a reasonable discussion in the meeting but he's hoping that it wasn't just a phony discussion. He said that Joel has been pretty honorable with him so far. Robin wondered if they're okay as far as the FCC thing and what's going on with the consent decree the company made with the FCC. Howard said that whole thing still hasn't been settled. He said it's in limbo right now. He talked more about what else he did after the show yesterday and how busy he was. He had to pick out clothes to wear but that was just a pain in the ass. Ralph came over to help him and they spent 45 minutes just picking out stuff to wear. Howard said he tries to wear different stuff so it won't look like he's wearing the same clothes on the E! show. After the clothes thing Howard had to go to the shrink. He complained about not having time in his day during that. After the shrink Howard went home and had dinner with John Stamos. Robin said that she saw that Stamos has been partying with the Olsen twins lately and even though he's not dating them, he's probably trying to date their friends. Howard said that would be kind of weird if he dated one of the twins. Howard and John talked about Rebecca Romijn a little bit at dinner. Howard was done with that around 7 last night so he went home. He watched a little bit of ''The Bachelorette'' and then went to bed.
Robin said she thought Howard wasn't going to watch that show. Howard said he hates himself after watching it. He talked about how bad some of those guys are at trying to pick up a woman. They get really intense and screw things up.
Dave said he's doing this from a college radio station down in Winter Park, Florida. The station is WPRK 91.5. He told Howard they have other rules about the time limits for the songs they can play and stuff like that. Howard went on to tell Dave that this is kind of a pointless stunt because it means nothing. Dave said that he does get to talk to Howard Stern though so that's one benefit. Dave said they're taking pledges from people while all of this is going on and they're raising money for the college. He said that there are a lot of people pledging anything from a dime to a few bucks an hour for the 110 hours that he's supposed to be on the air. He said they've raised between five and six grand so far. The whole thing is supposed to end tonight at some point.
Howard wondered if he could plunk down a phone and get a phone call from someone who is actually listening to their station. Dave said that they can't do that with the setup they have so he wasn't able to do that. Howard let Dave get in a plug for their web site 110hours.org and then let him go. He took a break right after that.
Howard brought up Robin's lack of hair on her eyebrows. He said that she must be pretty bare in her pants as well. Robin said that's true and she doesn't even have much hair on her arms and legs. Howard said his mother was just the opposite and used to have hair coming out everywhere. She'd walk around in panties and her hair would be sticking out of them. He and Robin had some fun goofing around with that subject for a few minutes. Howard also brought up his father who started to go bald when he was in his 20s. That led to Howard talking about how he's seen movies from when his parents got married so Robin said she'd like to see them. Howard said he'd bring that in for her.
Captain Janks called in and told Howard about a news story about Bill Cosby that was all over the news. Howard said he was reading about that in the paper this morning. He went on to talk about what a phony Cosby is because he's always complaining about comedians using blue language in their acts. Meanwhile, he's being accused of touching a woman inappropriately. The woman is claiming that he may have given her some kind of ''pills'' that knocked her out and Cosby allegedly touched her inappropriately. Janks played audio of Cosby commenting on Howard on the Larry King Show one time. Cosby said that he doesn't listen to Howard himself but didn't complain about him at all at the time.
Howard found the article about Cosby and the woman making the accusations about him. The Canadian woman claims that Cosby brought her back to his place one night after having dinner with her. She says that Cosby gave her some pills after she complained about being stressed and tense. Howard read that she told Canadian cops that she remembers Cosby putting her hand in his lap and undoing her bra. Howard said that's just wrong. Janks played a clip as Howard was getting ready to hang up on him but Howard didn't know what he was talking about so he hung up on him.
Howard played a clip of a FOX news reporter who went off on a woman from Vanity Fair magazine who was bashing the Bush administration for holding such a lavish inaugural ball during a time of war. The news reporter went off on the woman she was interviewing and tried to stop her from bashing the President. The Vanity Fair woman pointed out that there are soldiers over in Iraq who don't have any armor on their Hum Vees and the President is spending $40 million on his Inaugural ceremony. The reporter cut the woman off and said they gave her enough time after just a couple of minutes. Howard said that network is really biased.
Howard mentioned the $25,000 contest he has going on right now. If anyone can get any of the below celebrities to call in for 7 minutes, they can win $25,000. Gary came in and said that they have a couple of leads and may be able to get either Paris Hilton or Farid Suleman. The contest ends next Friday, January 28th by the end of the radio show. Howard said that the money can go to a charity if the celebrity wants. Here's the list:
Howard played a new prank call that Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy made to Crazy Alice. Alice hates to be called ''Crazy'' so she refused to repeat after Sal when he asked her to record a message for them. He tried to get her to say ''Insane Alice'' and some other things. She hung up on him. Richard called her back and tried to get her to say some other things but she ended up freaking out on him and yelled at him for a short time before she hung up on him.
Howard brought up the discussion they had earlier about the weatherman who was fired after almost saying ''Martin Luther Coon day'' on the air the other day. Howard replayed the tape he played first thing this morning. Howard went over the same stuff they went over earlier and still thinks that the guy wasn't being racist when he said what he said. Howard seems to think the guy just garbled his words together. The show wasn't live so if he had screwed up and thought that he'd done something wrong, he could have requested to reshoot his segment. Robin said the guy wasn't fired because he might be racist, he was fired so the station doesn't come across as being racist. Howard said the guy got fired for something he ''almost said'' and not something he actually said. He doesn't think he was given a fair break.
Artie has invited Kenneth to do some of his stand-up at his comedy show tomorrow night. Howard said that he was going to have Ken do some of his comedy and if he told unfunny jokes, they were going to spank him with the RoboSpanker. Howard had Ken get into the RoboSpanker and let him tell some of his jokes. Ken said he was going to do it just like he was walking out on stage. Ken started to tell his life story and why he ended up cutting his hair off. Howard didn't think it was funny so he gave Ken a whack with the RoboSpanker. Ken said he hadn't gotten to the jokes yet though. He eventually got to the jokes and they weren't all that funny so Howard gave him another whack. Kenneth told some more jokes but they weren't going over that well with Howard. Artie was laughing though. Artie asked him if he was ready to perform in front of 2,500 people tomorrow night. Ken says he's ready. Artie said he's only getting 5 minutes on stage, not the 15 or 20 he thought he had.
Zolar called in and said that he thought it was great to have Kenneth back on the show but now he's not so sure. Another caller complained about how he's going to this comedy show tomorrow night and he's not sure this is what he wants to see. Gary asked Ken to tell the funniest joke he had. Ken told a couple of jokes that he thought were funny but there were no punch lines. Another caller said he hopes that Ken doesn't do this material tomorrow night. He's going to see Artie and he might have to bail if Ken gets on stage. Another guy suggested they hit Ken in the head instead of the ass with the RoboSpanker. Kenneth wanted to tell some more jokes so Howard let him do that. Ken told a couple of jokes but the only person laughing was Artie. Artie thought some of this stuff was kind of funny.
Kenneth Keith said that Jimmy Fallon likes him and said that he wanted to hear him back on the show. That's true but Jimmy was talking about the old days when Ken did his thing trying to blow smoke out of his eye. Ken said that he's been working at a bunch of comedy clubs but he's not getting paid yet. He's got to get more material and then he'll start getting booked. Howard asked Ken how old he is now. He said he's 35 now and when he leaves today, he's going to go dig up some milk bottles. Howard asked him why he was going to do that. Ken said he thought it would be funny because Howard and the guys used to goof on him for doing that. Ken told another joke but his punch lines just weren't there. Howard said he almost had something there but the punch lines just weren't funny. Howard wanted to figure out what they could do to help the guy out. Ken claims that he was trying to keep it clean on the air today but tomorrow he may tell some of his dirty stuff tomorrow.
A few more callers told Howard what they thought about Ken's material. One guy said that one of his jokes went over pretty well. Maybe he should do just that one joke and get off stage. Howard said that he was starting to feel unfunny so he had to get Ken out of there. He suggested that Kenneth get one of the Jackie the Joke Man joke machines and just learn some of those jokes to tell on stage tomorrow. Howard played a few clips from the kid's joke machine and said that maybe that was a bad idea. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard introduced Deryck Wibley from the band SUM 41 and played some of their song ''Still Waiting'' as he was coming in. Howard said that's one of the songs that he likes from the band. He said they have a few songs that he likes. Deryck had black hair when he came in. Howard said he used to be blond. Deryck likes the black better. Howard asked Deryck about Avril Lavigne since he's dating her. Howard wondered why Avril gave Kelly Clarkson the song that's become a huge hit. Deryck said that he's pretty sure that she wrote the song a long time ago and she probably never thought it would be a hit. Deryck has never heard the song himself so he doesn't know much about it. Howard had Gary get him the song so he could play it for Deryck.
Howard asked Deryck about the chicks he's been with. He read that he was with Paris Hilton at one point. Howard pulled out a picture he had from a basketball game where he and his girlfriend were sitting next to Paris Hilton. Robin said she feels really bad for Howard after seeing him pull that picture from his organizer. Deryck said he never watched Paris' porn video because he actually lived it. Howard thought she looked like she knew what she was doing with oral in that video. Howard also read that Deryck doesn't go to strip clubs anymore because he's just had too much of them. He said they used to go to so many all over the world. Howard said he'll be back, he's probably just done with it because he's with a hot chick like Avril Lavigne. Howard thought it was crazy talk for a 24 year old guy to say he was done with strip clubs.
Howard said that Deryck might have some anger issues because he once smashed a cheeseburger in a fan's face after he followed him around the city. Deryck said the guy ended up getting in trouble with the cop because he was basically stalking him all day. Howard said that Deryck also got into a fight and spit on one of the guys in the band SR-71. Deryck said that they ripped them off and they're just a lame band. Deryck and the band used to smash stuff in hotel rooms and stuff as well. Deryck said that he used to get laid way back when he was in 8th grade. He always wanted to be the guy who got laid first so that's what he did. He said the other chick had already boned like 4 other dudes already.
Deryck said that he drinks Jack Daniels because it's the best for his voice. Other booze will dry out his voice. He also said that he doesn't smoke weed or anything like that... anymore. Howard read some other stuff about Deryck and the band. They used to do some crazy stuff. Deryck said he gets bored with stuff and just stopped doing drugs and stuff after a while. Howard wondered how Deryck met Paris Hilton and if he thought she was dumb when he met her. Deryck said they just hit it off at this party they met at. He was able to bang her the same night. Howard wondered if he ever thought about how dumb she was while they were together. Deryck said he just hung out with her for about 6 months and they weren't exclusive. Howard sounded impressed when Deryck told him that he's a millionaire. He went on to tell him that he should try to get Lindsay Lohan since he's already had Paris Hilton. Howard wondered if he ever got the Olsen Twins. Deryck thought they were a little too young for him. Howard said they're not too young for him.
Gary got Howard the song ''Breakaway'' that Avril Lavigne wrote and gave to Kelly Clarkson for some reason. He played the song and said that he really likes it for some reason. Deryck had never heard the song before so it was all new to him. Howard asked Deryck about some of his other conquests. Deryck said he's never had a black chick or an Asian chick but he has done 2 chicks at the same time. Howard said he'd give him mad respect if he could get both Paris Hilton and Avril Lavigne in bed at the same time. Fred threw in a Taylor Rain porn clip where she's moaning ''Oh Yeah'' over and over again while they were talking about that.
Howard brought up SUM 41's album ''Chuck'' and asked him about the name. Deryck said that the name was kind of a long story. He said that a guy by the name of Chuck actually saved them when they were in Africa shooting a movie about the civil war going on down there. Deryck said they won't be going back there or to any other war zones. They almost got killed down there. Howard noticed that Deryck had some tattoos so he was checking those out quickly. Howard had Fred play some of SUM 41's song ''Pieces'' after he played a couple of song parodies as a goof. Howard said he liked the song and let it play through. He got back to talking about Avril Lavigne again after that. Howard said he'd like to meet Avril but he doesn't think she'd come on the show. Deryck said that they actually met before Avril's career took off. They had the same management and grew up about an hour away from one another. Howard tried to get some more details about them living together but Deryck didn't want to talk about that stuff.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that the song ''We're All To Blame'' is the song of the year in his opinion. He had Howard play the song so he could hear how they mix Punk and Speed Metal in the song. Howard played the song while the caller was just about having an orgasm while it was playing it. Howard had to hang up on the guy because he was kind of annoying. A woman called in and told Deryck that their song ''Still Waiting'' has been helping out someone she knows. She also wondered if Avril Lavigne is angry in bed. Deryck wasn't going there and wouldn't talk about that stuff. Howard wondered if Deryck has met Avril's parents yet. Deryck said he hasn't met them but their parents already know each other. Howard wrapped up the interview and told Deryck he respects him for getting Avril Lavigne to move in with him. He wondered if he got to take Avril's virginity. Deryck said he wasn't saying that. Howard played ''Pieces'' from ''Chuck'' as he was going to commercial break.
Howard had Mike start his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
In the middle of the game, Howard took a call from a guy from MSNBC who was begging to get a statement from Howard about Michael Powell. Mike helped Howard out and asked the guy why he didn't write down what Howard had said just a few minutes before. Howard told the guy that he wasn't going to give them an exclusive or anything like that. The guy wanted to get Howard on their show Squawk Box to talk about Sirius if he wanted. Howard said he doesn't want to do that at this point, but he will come by when he's ready to talk about satellite radio. Howard gave them a statement saying ''I would like to have sex with Kelly Ripa!'' and let the guy off the phone. Howard said he thinks that the person who replaces Powell will be even worse because Bush will probably appoint some religious guy.
Howard had Robin start her news after the Gossip Game. Bong Hit Eric called in and talked about last night's E! show being a ''multiple tissue episode.'' He also took a big hit off his bong to celebrate his birthday. Robin finished up her news and they ended the show around 10:20 this morning.