Starting off the show, Howard said he was on the HowardStern.com bulletin board on and off all weekend. He said that's when he found out that Artie had passed out at the comedy show he did in Vegas. Artie then told him that it wasn't true and it was one of the most alcohol free shows he's ever done. It was untrue.
Howard said he was also reading about this indecency bill that could mean fines for individuals in broadcasting may actually be on the President's desk for signing. He wasn't sure if that was true or not either but Benjy heard it was true and it is on the President's desk. Howard said if it does get signed into law, it's bad news for them. Howard said that the only hope is that the guy is on vacation and can't sign that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who posts stuff on the bulletin board. Some chick got on the site and did a strip show for the thousands of people who were on there. Howard missed it all but the caller said that it's the most popular thread on the board at this point. He said there were like 5000 posts under that thread. Howard said he gets addicted to that thing and has to get off of it to do some work but it's addictive.
Howard went upstate to visit his daughter at camp but the travel up there was tough because of the weather. He said that the rains were horrible and he had a tough time getting up there. The caller Howard had on asked if anyone else in the studio got on the bulletin board. Robin has been on a little but Fred didn't have time. Artie said he was out in Vegas drinking and gambling instead of reading the board.
Scott DePace came in and said he has been arguing with a lot of people on the boards about a lot of different things. He said that he put up an Xbox thread on there and it went pretty nuts. He has been all over the place with his political discussions. Howard told the guys that he was on with his friend Wayne Siegel who wanted his name put in orange. There have been some people impersonating celebrities but you're not sure if they're official or not. Someone was posting as Stephen Baldwin but Howard said they gave him an orange name if he wanted to log in.
Howard said Scott DePace went to the store the other day and refused to buy any Heinz relish because it's linked to John Kerry via his wife. Howard said that's ridiculous because his wife doesn't have anything to do with that company now. Another caller interrupted that discussion and said that he's always on the board checking the threads about who's hotter, Beth O or Angie Everhart. There's a vote going on between the two of them. Howard didn't want to talk about it because it's so upsetting to Beth.
A listener told Howard that they're calling the Bush ranch the ''Western White House'' these days in the news. Howard said that's to make people think he's actually going to work at the White House when he's actually on vacation. That led to Howard talking about this indecency bill that's pending being signed into law by the President. He said his show is a pen stroke away from being taken off the air because of that.
That led to Howard talking about this guy Daniel Lewin who he was dedicating the show to today. He said that he was one of the first guys who was probably killed in the 9/11 attacks. He talked about what he knew about this guy. He had read some stuff about him and how he was part of the Elite Special Forces Unit of the Israeli Army. The guy apparently planned to take out all of these terrorists who were taking control of one of the planes. Unfortunately he had one terrorist behind him who stabbed him in the back with a knife. Things would have gone differently if that guy hadn't been behind him. He read a bunch of other things about that guy and people said he was an amazing guy. Howard said that's a guy's name he should remember.
Howard talked about another guy who died while they were on vacation. His name was Eric Douglas who is Michael Douglas' brother and the son of Kirk Douglas. Howard said the guy did the show a few times but he got sue crazy and was suing everyone including his show. He would come in and get all angry. Howard talked about how the guy ballooned up 150 pounds over what they remembered him as being. There were rumors about Douglas being gay and some other things but they never proved them to be true. The one thing Howard remembered was the guy showing up at Gary's bachelor party and banged one of the hookers in the back room. Howard said that Gary walked into the room where he was banging her and Douglas said to him ''Don't tell Howard...'' as he was in mid-bang. Howard talked about what a character the guy was and how they had a good time hanging out with him.
Howard told a couple of stories about some other stuff that went on at that bachelor party but the delay got hit for some reason. Richard Belzer showed up to that party and it was a little too hard core for him. He left and Howard followed him out because it was a bit too hard core for him as well. There were a bunch of other celebrities who showed up to that bachelor party. Howard said that was his first bachelor party. It wasn't a typical party though. Gary said that he thought it was pretty crazy and got a call from Howard the next morning telling him that everyone had called and it was legend. Howard can't even talk about a couple of the things that went on there to this day. He says he has to wait until he goes to satellite... if he goes to satellite some day.
Howard and Robin still weren't sure if Eric Douglas was gay or not. There were rumors about it but no one was sure. Howard said he felt bad for the guy when he read that he'd died.
A listener called in and told Howard that Senator Schumer is asking for an investigation into why the Bin Laden family was shuffled out of the country right after 9/11. That got Howard talking about Bush again and how his family had close ties to the Bin Laden family and Michael Moore pointed that stuff out in his movie. Howard thinks that Schumer will find out that Bush has had a lot of dealings with the family and encouraged the guy to get that investigation going. Howard took a commercial break a short time later.
Howard said he believes that his fans have to vote as a block and vote for Kerry. He believes that they'll make a big difference. He believes it's time for a change and he has written about this stuff on his bulletin board. You can also read a bunch of different news stories about what's going on through his web site HowardStern.com.
Howard played a clip from a game show where his name was part of a question. In the clip they used music from another game show. Howard and the guys talked about that show a little bit and then moved on to Artie and his trip to Las Vegas.
Artie did a show out in Las Vegas on Friday and stayed out there for the weekend. He said he's up by about $4000. He said he had the hottest run he ever had in blackjack. He was betting about $200 a hand which wasn't too crazy. Artie said he was delayed getting out to vegas by about 3 hours because of the weather. He got there, showered and then went and did his comedy show. He had a few drinks because people were bringing him shots and stuff.
Howard wondered why airplanes can't take off in bad weather. Robin said it's probably the visibility problems that stop them from flying through that stuff. Artie said when he did get out there to Vegas he started to get shaky excited as he was landing out there. He was flown out first class by the Hard Rock and ate like a pig on the flight out there. He said he watched the movie ''Walking Tall'' on the flight and didn't sound so impressed with it. He liked the hot chick in the movie though.
Howard said he saw the movie ''Mystic River'' over the weekend. He said it was good but depressing. He suggested that people not watch it before you have to go to bed. He talked about how great the cast was in the movie. He liked Sean Penn, Tim Robins and a few others he's not usually a fan of.
Robin told Howard that ''The Bourne Supremacy'' was a good movie and it did very well in the theaters this past weekend. She said that ''Cat Woman'' wasn't as bad as she thought it was going to be. She said it was really bad but not as bad as the reviews made it out to be. She talked about how bad Halle Berry and Sharon Stone are at acting and how they're the two worst over actors around. Howard said he got offered a movie recently and he's thinking about doing it because he loves that movie set atmosphere. He loved it when he shot ''Private Parts'' and how well he was treated back then. He told the guys that he would be the co-star of the movie and he'd be treated very well just like he was when he was the star of the movie.
A listener called in and told Howard that he will vote for anyone he suggests to him. That led to Howard talking about how he was out walking his dog over the weekend. He saw a white woman out walking a couple of kids around. One of the kids was black and one was Asian. His girlfriend told him that she's a lesbian who adopted these kids. He said that the kids seemed to be really happy to have her as a mother. Howard said that Bush is the kind of guy who would like to see the end of gay couples and their ability to adopt kids like that. This woman is taking care of these unwanted kids and he doesn't understand how anyone would want to put a stop to couples who can love kids like that. He said that our President is a moron and the fact that he doesn't stand up in front of the churches in this country and tell people that all kids need to be taken care of whether or not they're gay.
Howard brought up the fact that the 9/11 commission found that we're still not safe in this country. He said that if he were President, he would call in the heads of every security agency and find out why everything failed. The caller said that we should close off the borders and not let anyone into the country. Howard said that's not realistic and you really can't do that. Howard was going to let the guy go but he told Howard how he's getting divorced and he's going to really get screwed in the divorce. Howard went off on that for a few seconds and said he can't take it when he hears about guys getting screwed out of money they earn.
Artie got back to his discussion about going out to Las Vegas. He said when he landed out there at 8 o'clock at night, it was 107 degrees. He missed out on some of the cool stuff that happens at the Hard Rock pool on Sunday when he had to leave early. He went out to the pool and hung out for a while though. He was drinking his Jack and water out in the pool getting drunk. He said it was constant drinking while he was out there. There was a new club out there in Vegas called Body English that was great. He said he had a great time out there and his comedy show was sold out. Howard had to take another break after hearing about Artie's trip.
Howard said he'd like to do a contest where they try to figure out who Tabitha won't do. Howard also wondered what was in this for Aubrey because she only pleased Tabitha and she never got the same thing back. Aubrey thought the whole thing was weird and didn't want to do anything in front of her brother. She thought it was kind of creepy as well. He said he never looked down below while his sister was doing stuff to Tabitha. Howard jokingly said that he was inspired by them and had sex with his sister that day.
Howard said he has plans for Tabitha but she interrupted and said that she won't go out with Gary Busey who she just met this weekend. She went to Bill Maher's house for a house warming party. That led to Howard talking about how much Maher hates him these days for some reason. Artie told Howard about the things that pissed him off a while back when he was on the show. Maher was talking about how the terrorists were ''brave'' a couple of years ago and when he came on the show, Howard and the guys ganged up on him and goofed on him.
Tabitha told Howard about meeting Gary Busey and how he was telling her to tell Howard that he's going to come on the show and make Howard and Robin laugh really hard. She had no idea what he was talking about though. Howard asked her about this party and what else went on there. She said she didn't have sex with anyone and she actually left the party a little early. Tabitha said some of the women there were kind of cute but not Playboy models. She showed up to the party with porn legend Ron Jeremy. Howard figured she meant that the chicks were ''busted'' looking. She said they really weren't that bad though.
Howard asked Aubrey and Brandon if they were happy with their ''date.'' Aubrey said it was okay but it would have been better if her brother had gotten locked in the bathroom or something. Howard heard that they talked to their mother about this date after it was all done. They said they did talk to her because she wanted to know about it.
Howard gave Tabitha a couple of plugs for her web sites TabithaStevens.com and TabithaMessages.com. He also said that the next time she's in, they're going to try to find someone she won't have sex with. He mentioned that there's a picture on his web site of Tabitha with her ass crack showing.
Howard wrapped up the phone calls and said he has a bunch of stuff to talk about. They have the Benjy tape that people have requested a replay on. Later in the show they have M. Night Shyamalan calling in to talk about his latest movie ''The Village.'' Howard went to break so they could get to all of that stuff.
Uncle Paulie got lot of mail and some people seemed to really like him. There were a couple of people who didn't like him on the show though. Someone said that no one outside of New York/New Jersey gets the whole Uncle Paulie thing. Howard said he thinks that Uncle Paulie is great. There was some mail about Benjy's screaming stuff at the Anti-Violence event he went to last week. Someone wrote in and said that they think Benjy is Andy Kaufman reincarnated. Howard read that mail and the person thought that Benjy is some kind of genius. There were a couple of people who liked that whole thing. Others hate Benjy but loved that screaming thing. One guy wrote in and said that Benjy is a talent less piece of crap.
Howard read that Paris Hilton and Nick Carter broke up and it was big news over the weekend. Howard said that Paris claims she wanted to break up because she wanted to concentrate on her ''work.''
The name of the next Star Wars movie was announced over the weekend at a comic book convention. Howard said that the name of the movie will be ''Revenge of the Sith'' and there was an audible gasp at the convention when they announced the name. Some guy was quoted as saying he was very happy about the name of the movie after hearing it. Howard didn't want to embarrass the guy even more by giving out his name because he was dressed up as Boba Fett.
Howard saw that Spike Lee is bringing out another movie and he doesn't know how that keeps happening with all of the bombs he's made. He said that he's got more bombs than Al Queda.
Howard got side tracked when he mentioned a couple of lesbians. He came up with a quick F***, Marry, Kill game which included Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres and Melissa Etheridge. Howard said he'd marry Melissa, F*** Ellen and Kill Rosie O'Donnell. The guys talked about how big Ellen's show has gotten lately and how it's about to take over the ratings and Oprah's show for the number 1 slot in daytime talk shows.
Howard took a call from a guy who got him talking about going to satellite radio. Howard said that he's thinking about going to satellite if he gets kicked off the air. He said he'll go anywhere that Opie and Anthony or Mancow are not working at. He said he doesn't want to be working at the same place any of those guys work. The caller was telling Howard how weird Clear Channel is because they have promos running that say ''Howard is coming'' to make people think that Howard is going to be on their station or something. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Clear Channel and the stuff they've done to him and how he's going to stop listening to their radio stations and concerts. He's hoping that his fans will stop as well.
The caller had mentioned that the Tabitha Stevens interview earlier in the show had the delay button hit on it a bunch of times. Howard said it's ridiculous and the FCC is going back 3 years now to find stuff to fine him over. He's got some new fines worth $1.5 million now and the whole thing is ridiculous.
Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard who was singing in her room when he picked up the line. Howard tried to get her attention but she was too busy singing. She was singing ''Gotta Move'' and ''Funky Town.'' She eventually heard that Howard was on the line so she came over and talked to him. She got a new Karaoke machine so that's what she was using at the time. She says that she sings along to it every day and every night that she can. Wendy said she's been trying to get on Howard's bulletin board but she's having trouble getting on. Howard told her they'd give her a special password so she can log on. She started to tell Howard about how she got to ride on a motorcycle yesterday but Howard cut her off and hung up on her.
After the break Howard played a bit they put together using a commercial that Cabbie did for a hemorrhoid relief company. They took that and combined it with his discussions about gay sex. After that Howard moved on to the tape of Benjy's screaming bit. Here's what Howard replayed from Friday's show:
Benjy Screams Out Against Violence. 07/23/04. 6:00am
He (Howard) then brought up this event that was held the other day in Central Park that Benjy went to. Benjy still has no voice because of it because it was a screaming against violence event. You're supposed to go up and scream for 15 seconds if you are against violence in any way. He explained how you scream for 15 seconds and then keep silent for 15 more. Howard wasn't sure who came up with something like this but Benjy went over there and screamed for the full 30 seconds instead of staying quiet for 15. Benjy annoyed people so much that Doug from E! says he'll never go to another event with him again. Doug told Howard that he's super annoying and out of control.
Artie pointed out that Benjy always fixes his hair when he gets on camera for some reason. Benjy whispered that it really bothers him that it looks that way. That led to Howard and Doug goofing on him for a couple of seconds. Howard then played the audio they had from the event. The whole crowd yelled at the top of their lungs for 15 seconds and then stopped... but Benjy continued to yell ''I hate violence'' at the top of his lungs for the other 15 seconds. Howard said some of the hippies there were encouraging him to keep going because he was so passionate. A reporter then went over to him and asked him how he was feeling. Benjy responded to that and then started yelling out even more. He jumped up on the stage and started to make a speech to the crowd.
Benjy was telling the crowd that they were all showing that they still gave a damn about stopping violence. The crowd was with him for a few seconds but he quickly turned them against him. Howard said when you see the video the woman who organized this thing had a look on her face like she thought he had the crowd on his side but she didn't know who he was. Benjy then starts talking about getting erect and how he's small when he's flaccid but large when he's erect. The crowd quickly turned against him and booed him. Benjy knew he'd gone too far by that point.
Benjy was asked to leave the stage but he continued to yell to the crowd about the war in Iraq. No one was responding to him at that point. There were just people trying to remove him from the stage. Benjy continued to yell about the War but people from the crowd were yelling at him to go away. Then people started to run away from Benjy and the crowd, of about 50 people, just scattered. Benjy continued to yell while a calm man told him that this was not what they were all about.
It wasn't over at that point. Doug said that was only about 10 percent of what happened. Benjy continued to yell about his insecurity with his penis while the event organizer was being interviewed about what had happened. The guy was explaining what his dream was for this event. Benjy was asking the crowd if there were any questions for him. People were yelling out to him to stop yelling because he was interrupting the interviews that were going on. Doug said that Benjy threatened to hold his breath if they didn't stay with him. Benjy asked one of the organizers if he was with him and the guy told him not to talk to him.
Doug said he separated himself from the whole thing so he wouldn't be involved with the whole thing. Doug said they sent down one of their PA's for the first time so he had no idea what was going on. Benjy told the organizer that he was going to go up on stage and hold his breath until they paid attention to him. The organizer told him to shut his ''F***ing'' mouth while he did the interview. Doug said he thought Benjy was going to pass out on stage while he was holding his breath. The peaceful crowd threatened to get the police to remove him so Benjy mentioned that the cops are the people who beat Rodney King.
Doug told Howard that after that Benjy stopped and grabbed a basketball from a couple of black guys who were playing ball. The guys who were playing were deaf and didn't know what to say when Benjy ended up picking one of them up. There was even more stuff going on after that. Doug said that Benjy kissed one of the black guys as well. Howard cut him off and let some phone callers through to talk about this. One guy said Benjy sounded kind of insane after all of that.
Doug explained how Benjy stopped to look at a dog and a few seconds later he was on all fours sniffing the dog's ass. Doug said they have all of this on video. Howard asked Benjy why he did that. Benjy just responded with ''I was against violence.'' Doug said the dog ran away after Benjy rolled on his back and sniffed his ass. Doug said he told Benjy to stop doing what he was doing at the rally but he just wouldn't do it. He asked the camera guy to break off from him so he would calm down. Benjy ended up getting into an argument with a homeless guy and pushed the camera man and Doug into his girlfriend. Howard figured he must have been showing off to her if that's what happened.
Howard interrupted the tape because it was going on a little long. He had director M. Night Shyamalan there to talk to so he had to take a break first and move on to him. He played the screaming song parodies they had featuring Benjy's screams before he went to break.
Howard asked Night about the movies he did after getting out of film school. Night said his first one was shot in India and it was called ''Praying with Anger.'' He then did another one called ''Wide Awake'' with Rosie O'Donnell. No one saw that movie except Robin and his family. Howard asked him how he comes up with these ideas for the movies. Night told him he came up with ''The Village'' after reading Wuthering Heights and combined that with a ''King Kongie'' idea he had.
Howard talked to him about ''The Sixth Sense'' and how he hooked up with his wife. Howard heard that his wife is really hot and the guys out in the green room could see her thong through her dress. He wanted to get her in the studio but she wasn't interested in coming on the air. Night told Howard he hooked up with her at NYU when he was there as a student. She's been with him since before he was successful.
Night talked about how he used to make movies when he was a young boy and he was inspired by Steven Spielberg. All of his coolest movies were made around the time Night was 7 to 12 years old. The guys talked about some of Spielberg's movies and how cool some of them were. Howard talked about how when he sees a movie he just wants to have a good time. After watching ''Mystic River'' last night he wanted to kill himself because it was so depressing.
Night said that he's still very happy with his wife who has been with him so long. Howard said he has to get her in the studio somehow. He asked Night if he got to bang her on the first date. Night said they had a normal courtship and didn't seem interested in talking about that much. Howard then moved on to talk about ''The Sixth Sense'' some more. Night told Howard that it took a long time to write that movie because he wasn't a very good writer at the time. He also wrote the adaptation of Stuart Little in the same year. ''The Sixth Sense'' went on to make about $670 million worldwide. He told Howard that he did make over $10 million off of that movie. Howard said he should make at least that much for a movie like that.
Night went on to write ''Unbreakable'' which was a great movie according to Howard and Robin. Robin told him he has to write a sequel to that one. Night said he didn't feel the love after that movie and wasn't inspired to write another one. He said he thought about doing it though. Howard wondered if he would work with Bruce Willis again because he's getting kind of long in the tooth. Night just laughed and said that Bruce is great.
Night told Howard that he's still living in Philadelphia but not in the same house he used to live in. He's got a larger place now where he writes and it's on 75 acres of property. He said he's eventually going to move out to the country. Howard wondered if he has strict hours or if he just writes when he wants to. Night said his wife has taught him to stay on a schedule. Night also said he sometimes writes on a computer but also does some of it in long hand. Night's big house, 12,000 square feet, is located in 2 acres of land in a ''fancy place'' in the Philly area. Howard asked him about what he's got in the house and if he has a shooting range or anything like that. Night said he doesn't have any guns.
The guys asked him if he has all white servants working for him. Night said they are white but they're not ''servants'' to him. He said he has ''help'' at his place. They have a nanny... Night was just laughing as he was telling Howard all of this stuff so he never really finished talking about all of his ''help.''
Night told Howard about doing the movie ''Signs'' and how he worked with Mel Gibson. Howard tried to get him to bad mouth him but that wasn't happening. Howard moved on to ask him about what inspires him to write new movies. He figures that the mortgage on his house must be his inspiration.
Night does all of these movies for Disney so Howard asked him how they treat him. Night said they jokingly call him all the time asking him if he's done with the movie. They fly him around in a private jet so Howard wondered what he stocks it up with. Night said he hates flying so he doesn't really care about anything but a smooth flight and landing safely.
Howard wondered where Night got the idea for this movie ''The Village.'' Night told him about the Wuthering Heights / King Kong idea he mentioned earlier and how that's how he came up with it. Night said he has another idea for his next movie. He's got notes for it and he'll sit down to write that next. The writing process could get screwed up if this movie bombs. Night says that he will get depressed if his movie gets bad reviews and stuff like that and it could throw off the next movie. Howard and Night both get bothered by the littlest things and they only know of one person that doesn't get bothered by that stuff... John Travolta.
Howard had Night talk about his new movie ''The Village'' and what it's about. He told Howard a little bit about what it was about but left a lot of questions about what it's actually about. Artie said that he's not as motivated as this guy and he was ready to retire after he was able to afford an El Dorado. Howard said that Night had the tough parents to push him and keep him motivated to do this stuff.
Night said he once went to his parents and told them that he was going to be on the cover of Newsweek magazine and he was going to be the first director to ever be on the magazine. His parents said ''What about Time?'' and asked him which one sells more magazines. He said his parents have extremely high expectations from him but they're very cool. Howard doesn't get that though and can't seem to imagine that they could be cool if they're that demanding.
Howard wanted Night's wife to come in so he could meet her. Night said she won't come in though. Howard asked Night if he was the only guy she's been with. Night tried to avoid that question and threw in a plug for his movie that opens this Friday, July 30th. Gary was in his office with Night's wife Bhavna and they could see her on his monitor. Howard kept trying to get her to come in but she really didn't want to.
Howard told Night that he could have really gotten laid a lot if he hadn't gotten married. A minute later Night's wife Bhavna came walking in. Night couldn't believe that she came in and then Artie told her they'd give her $1000 to get topless. Mrs. Shyamalan spoke to Howard a little bit about her life and what people thought about Night when she was getting married to him. She said that her friends told her that he was never going to make money working in the film industry. Night said she's really not that materialistic though so she didn't care about the money. Howard wondered if Night ever tried to get his wife and sister into bed at the same time. Night wasn't talking but he did laugh a lot during the questioning. Howard asked her if she would ever bring another woman into bed for her husband. She's not into that and she wouldn't do that for him. Howard told Night and Bhavna that Gandhi was into multiple partners. Everyone told him he doesn't know that, he's just saying that.
Night told Howard that he wants to see him in more movies because he did have something for the screen when he did ''Private Parts.'' Howard said he has a script right now that he's thinking of doing. Night asked him about who would be directing and who would be in the movie. Howard said he can't talk about it on the air but he will tell him about it off the air. They talked about the opening of this new movie which is this Friday. Howard told Night he thinks the movie will do $52 million in the theaters this coming weekend.
Robin asked about the Sci-Fi documentary they did on Night. It was a phony documentary and it was kind of a ''mockumentary'' about him having the abilities to talk to the dead and stuff like that.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Night about his wife. A listener called in and said that he trained Night's wife's sister at one point and she is very hot. Night was laughing as he heard that stuff and didn't really have a response. Another caller asked Night if he was going to work on ''Indiana Jones 4.'' Night said that the timing didn't work out and they found someone else to write the movie. He was asked to do it but things just didn't work out. Howard gave Night a couple more plugs for his movie and told him that they're huge fans of his. He went to commercial break after that.
Howard mentioned that Savanna Samson will be on the show tomorrow and that led to them talking about how hot she is. Howard changed subjects and said that there's a new drinking game out there. People are watching the Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie show ''The Simple Life 2'' and whenever they say ''That's hot'' you're supposed to drink.
Howard played the interview they played earlier in the show where a reporter was talking about how much of an influence Howard Stern can have on the upcoming Presidential election. Howard says that Bush had better sign that indecency bill into law as soon as he can because for the two weeks before the election he is going to be relentless in pushing people to vote Kerry. He spent a couple of minutes talking about what he would do if he were at the Democratic National Convention. He said he would play the tape of Bush using a woman's sweater to wipe his glasses on during a commercial break at David Letterman's show. He also talked about Bush's stance on gays and stuff like that. He's got a lot of other things he's going to lay out point by point by point for the two weeks before the election. He says he's exhausted from waiting for this election to just happen.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him where he graduated college. He had a bet with a friend for $1000 that he had graduated Columbia. Howard told the guy that he graduated from Boston University so the guy lost $1000. The guy on the phone also asked Howard about some stuff that went on in Las Vegas when they were out there. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Robin read a story about a guy in Washington state who had the license plate ''GOT MILF'' and how some people were offended by it so they ended up taking it away from him. While they were talking about that Howard got to talking about this congresswoman Heather Wilson who talked about him during some indecency hearings a few months back. Artie does a great impression of her so Howard told him he should do a one man show doing that impression and others. That led to the guys playing tape of her speech to Mel Karmazin at those meetings and goofing on her a little bit. She's supposed to be making a speech at the Democratic National Convention so Howard wants the guys to get tape of that so they can play it on the air.
A listener called in and said he was at a Clear Channel event over the weekend and saw a lot of XM Satellite banners hanging up there. He did some research and found that they were involved with them. Howard said he had some meetings with XM and the first question he asked was whether or not Clear Channel sat on the board. Howard said they told him that Clear Channel used to sit on their board but they are now completely out of it. He said there's no chance he's going to work with Clear Channel again.
A listener called in during the news and said he's related to this Senator Brownback who created this Indecency Bill that's waiting to be signed by President Bush. He said that the rest of his family doesn't even get why the guy is doing this stuff. He spent a short time talking to that guy and then had Robin get back to her news.
During the news Howard took a call from someone claiming to be Jim from Dreamtank (the company that hosts Howard's web site). The guy said that they have to put a stop to people registering on the bulletin board because they can have up to 100 screennames at one time. Howard and Robin figured it wasn't really Jim so they told the guy that and he said something about being a fag named Jim. Howard hung up on the guy and said that it was that guy Sean the White Rapper who prank calls them quite often. Robin finished up her news after that.
Howard said he had the best breakfast this morning. He had an egg white omelet with lox and the lox taste like bacon to him. He told Artie that he'd like it. Artie said he's turned over a new leaf and he's eating leaves now. He's cut down on the Cokes and has dropped a couple of pounds. Howard said that Bill Clinton looks like he's had a make over and has lost a couple of pounds himself. The guys talked about how good he looked for an older guy. Howard read that last night at the Democratic National Convention it looked like Hilary Clinton went to kiss Bill but it turned out she was just whispering in his ear. The guys talked about that for a few seconds.
Howard saw Jimmy Carter last night and he hates to see that guy because he was perhaps the worst President ever. That led to them talking about how bad Bush is doing in office now. Howard said a lot of people tell him on the bulletin board that he shouldn't be talking about politics on the air so he got off that subject pretty quickly. He did say that he watched President Clinton's speech last night and then went to bed. He wasn't abe to get much sleep so he tuned into some porn channel on his cable system and watched some stuff on there. There were a lot of black chicks on the videos he was watching but it was too much for him. He said he doesn't mind a couple of black chicks in his porn movies but they should mix it up a little bit.
Howard and Artie were talking about what they like and don't like in porn movies. They talked about tattoos and how you don't want to see that on guys in the movies. They should have some faceless, generic guys in the porn movies according to Howard. He passed on some of the black chick porn movies that were on the list. One of the descriptions for the movies was ''For those of you into dark meat...'' which was kind of weird to him. He came across some Asian porn after that and passed on it as well. He's not into that either. He made sure he let people know that he likes Asian people, just not a full Asian porn movie. He thought about putting in his Savanna Samson and Tera Patrick porn video ''Tera, Tera, Tera'' instead.
Howard had to make a decision about how long he wanted to sleep and if he wanted to unload so he'd be ready to go to Scores today if he decided to go. He didn't want to be so horny that he'd be sporting wood immediately when he walked in. That led to Howard talking about going to Scores and how hot the chicks are. He said he hates that walking in through the first door because it's like the chicks are thinking he's a big perv. He talked about how he got one of the hot bartenders to take off her shirt one time and how special he felt that time. He thought he was getting to see something that not everyone gets to see there.
Howard said he read through the list of porn movies he had on the porn channel last night but there were things like double teaming and stuff which he's not into. Then he found one where it had a description about voyeurism. He likes that so he tuned into that. The porn wasn't what he thought it was because it was a regular porn but a guy would go out and use a video camera outside a window. The woman in the video had ''too much plumbing'' showing for him. He wanted to explain more about what was going on in the video and the guy looked like he was in pain wearing a condom and the chick didn't look like she was into it. The stuff was just ''too out there'' for Howard. There was some oral stuff going on but the video was too graphic for him.
There was a section where they had a Puerto Rican chick doing a black guy but the chick wasn't hot. There was another clip in the movie where this chick had tiny boobs but her body was really good. He said the guy doing the chick looked like he'd just gotten out of jail. That eventually got him off and he finished up with that. It was ten minutes to five this morning when he did that. After he was done he was disgusted with himself.
Howard was looking at his minuscule package and realized that he's nothing compared to the guys in the porn movies. He's not sure if he's a woman or a man because of that. He can't even watch porn movies with a woman anymore because of that. Robin told Howard she hasn't watched porn in a long time and she didn't remember the guys being exceptionally large to her. Howard said she must have been with some real men then. Mr. X must need to walk around with a wheelbarrow if that's the case. Howard didn't have time to shower before coming to work this morning so he was a bit unclean. He took a shower the night before and it was too late to clean up completely again.
Benjy tried to find out from Howard if he uses any oils or anything when he does that stuff. Howard said he didn't want to talk to him about stuff like that so he quickly moved on. He talked about how he tried to get five more minutes of sleep this morning but his alarm clock went off this morning and the only station he gets is a religious station. That's what wakes him up in the morning because he can't even get his own radio station's signal.
Howard changed subjects and said he got a letter from his daughter who is in summer camp. She told him he's the ''best dad ever.'' He said he's saving that letter for when they get into fights so he can pull it out and show her what she wrote.
Howard said that he has this service where they send him any mentions of him on TV. There was a woman on C-Span talking about how he shouldn't even have kids because of the kind of guy he is. Robin said there are some women out there who talk about Howard like he's done something personally to them. They get really vicious when they talk about him. Robin talked about Janeane Garofalo and how she has been going off on Howard lately in that unfunny, shrill voice of hers. Howard talked about the period when she was supposed to be a ''hot chick'' but it just didn't work for her because she'll never be hot. Robin said that they talk about Howard and how he had some good qualities when he was married but now they hate him since he's gotten a divorce. Howard said he thinks he could get Janeane into bed in 5 seconds if he wanted. She could make a great Lesbian if she wanted to be one. He said that her problem is that she's into dudes and no one is interested in her. He feels bad for her though because she's really pained. Artie said he doesn't feel bad for her, he hates her. She's a little chubby chick that no guys are into and she's miserable over it.
Howard did an impression of her talking about how she dated Ben Stiller. Artie thought that was pretty funny and got a few laughs out of that. Howard had some fun with that for a couple of minutes. He then played the tape he had from C-Span where this woman went off on him. She starts off saying ''Howard Stern is poison...'' The quote was from some woman who was making a speech about women in popular culture. The woman apparently writes for the NY Post every day. She goes on to talk about how horrible Howard is for a father of two daughters. She got that wrong, he has three daughters. She also talks about Howard's ''abuse'' of women on his show. Robin interrupted and said there's nothing wrong with a woman coming on the show voluntarily and taking her clothes off if she wants. She talked about how her husband was into Howard when she married him but now he doesn't listen. Howard said that once women have kids, they change their views and hate him for some reason. He played a little more of the tape and said that's what he woke up to this morning. He had to take a commercial break a short time later.
Richard Christy created a new bit for them where he interviews George Takei. He edited it to make it sound like Takei was talking about his wang and how he had a guy cover it with latex. The guys thought that was pretty funny so Howard had another bit Richard created for them. This time he took tapes of Eric the Midget and made a prank call to Gary the Retard. The tape he had was of Eric leaving a message for Gary ''Baba Booey'' so he had him saying ''Gary'' a couple of times. Richard created a conversation with Gary the Retard and Gary thought he was talking to a real person. Eric the Midget was telling Gary to stop talking about American Idol. Gary the Retard told him that he doesn't talk about that show but he continued to argue with the tapes for a couple of minutes.
Howard moved on after that bit. A woman called in and told Howard about the Bill Maher show she went to where Janeane Garofalo got the audience so pissed off that they started to boo her. When she watched the show later they had cut that part out of the show. Howard and the woman talked about Janeane for a couple of minutes. Howard said Janeane must get really frustrated when she's around a Bill Maher because she probably thinks that they should have something together because she thinks they're both very smart. Meanwhile, Maher is inviting people like Tabitha Stevens to his parties. Once again Howard said that her only problem is that she's a heterosexual.
Big Black called in and asked Howard why he didn't mention that his girlfriend Beth is going to be on Craig Kilborn's show tonight. Howard said she didn't ask him to mention it so he didn't. He said he asked her if she wanted him to mention it and she said ''no.'' That's why he didn't mention it. Big Black told Howard that Beth was a 9 to him when he saw her in person. He said that he hasn't seen many 10s in his life. He then said that there are some people on his bulletin board who say she looks kind of like the guy from ''Hellboy.'' Howard said that's why he's taking a few days off from his bulletin board. There's too much negativity there so he's taking a break for a while. There are tons of people bashing him, his girlfriend, Artie and a bunch of other things. He's been having tons of meetings about keeping the board up and running but it's all so people can bash him. He spoke to Jim from Dreamtank and he told him that someone was trying to hack their system which slowed it down a bit.
Big Black had some audio for Howard but he didn't quite have it ready for them. Howard put him on hold and took another call from a guy who said that Chaunce Hayden is out of control on the bulletin board with his postings. They spent a few seconds on that and then Howard went to commercial.
This guy Chef Ron was on the phone to talk about some stuff that was mentioned on the show recently about Don Imus and his cancer ranch. Howard said that Imus' wife Deirdre put out a cook book recently, ''The Imus Ranch: Cooking for Kids and Cowboys,'' and someone wrote in and mentioned that the cook at the Imus ranch was this guy Chef Ron, not Imus' wife. Ron told Howard that he worked at the ranch from 2001 to 2003. He said that 64 of those recipes are from his own personal knowledge. He said the woman who posted that on Amazon.com was right.
Ron said that he was asked by Deirdre Imus to work on this cook book with her. He's a regular, run of the mill chef but he did develop the recipes that ended up in the book. Howard wondered if he thought he was going to be a co-author of the book. He did assume that was the case but he wasn't mentioned in the book at all. Ron said that he was given an autobiography about himself as if it was going to be in the book. He made a couple of changes to that and Deirdre got pissed and that's when things started to go down hill.
Ron said that Don Imus came to him and ripped him a new one when he asked to have an article written about himself. Imus threatened to send him off to work as a ranch hand instead of cooking. Ron told Howard that he believes that the kids don't have any fun at this cancer ranch that the Imus' run. They aren't allowed to have any candy or anything like that but Deirdre has her own stash of candies hidden from them.
Howard wondered why Ron didn't bother trying to sue over all of this. Ron said that he was let go about a year ago and he thought that it was because he was getting so much more credit than Deirdre was. He said he thought that was the reason they let him go. He didn't say why he didn't bother trying to sue them though. Ron pointed out that the ranch is supposed to be a Vegan ranch but they have more leather there than you can imagine.
Ron says that 64 of the 87 recipes in the book are his. He's not going to let the issue go though. He's going to try and figure out a way to approach this without getting in trouble. He claims that Deirdre can't even boil a pot of water herself so a cook book is kind of a crazy idea for her. Ron goofed on Don a little bit about the goofy cowboy hat he wears and how he walks around with a gun in a holster all the time. He says that Deirdre is the one who actually runs the ranch, not Don. Don's brother Fred was great according to Ron. Howard said he doesn't know if any of this is true but he advised Ron to prove that these were his recipes if it's true.
Ron said that it is annoying that Deirdre is taking credit for the book when so many of the recipes were his. He said that Don isn't the main problem in all of this, it's Deirdre who caused the problems. Ron says that he will take this to court but didn't want to talk about whether or not he has a lawyer. He said that he does have the ball rolling on that stuff and it will get bigger soon. Howard told him he hopes that he does get some recognition if he did actually create those recipes. He wrapped up the call a short time later.
Howard read that Ron was told he was fired for incompetence but he'd gotten a raise just a month before. Fred did his impression of Don Imus and talked about Chef Ron being a ''wet back'' and a ''beaner.'' The guys goofed on the Imus' for a couple more minutes after that. Howard said he loves hearing that kind of stuff. Robin wondered if they could get someone on that ranch to find out even more stuff.
Howard said that he has Chef Bobby who makes his lunch for him every day. He's never stolen a recipe from him though. He does have a recipe coming out in Steven Raichlen's new cook book though. Howard did another quick promo for tonight's E! show with Chyna Doll and played some of the song she performed on the show the day she was in. That was just a little taste of what everyone gets to see on the E! show.
Howard replayed Richard Christy's phony George Takei interview before going to commercial break. Howard said that the clips came from a book on tape and they're an endless source of material. He told Robin that Richard is working with her book on tape for an upcoming bit as well.
Savanna told Howard that she picked up her last name when she did her first porn movie with this guy Rocco. She had to add the name so she wouldn't be confused with the dead porn star Savanna. She also told him that she's got a radio show deal in the works but she'll be sure to go on at a different time than Howard's show. She said it'll be a satellite radio show that will be like ''Howard Stern meets Cosmopolitan.''
Howard talked about how he pleasured himself to the sex scene she did with Tera Patrick (in ''Tera, Tera, Tera''). Savanna says that she watches it as well and gets off to it. She told Howard that when they did that scene she really got off but she doesn't think Tera was as into it as much.
Howard and Savanna talked about their personal lives a little bit as well. Howard said that when he goes to a strip club with his girlfriend he's not allowed to touch other girls. He said if he got into a threesome or something with her, he knows that she wouldn't want her doing stuff to the other girl and there would be rules.
Howard had Savanna take off some clothes so he could check out her body. She stripped down to panties after that and wondered how she keeps her ass looking so good. Robin pointed out her shoes as well. Howard and Artie liked them as well. Howard asked Savanna to take off her shirt as well so she went ahead and took it off. She said she felt better after that. Howard told Savanna about the tape he'd played earlier in the show where this woman was talking about how he's ''poison'' to American culture. He played the tape for her so she could hear it herself.
Howard doesn't understand how wanting to look at a woman naked is wrong if the woman is willing to take her clothes off. That led to the guys asking Savanna about her 3 year old son and what she's going to tell him when he gets older and ends up seeing her videos. She said she'll raise him to respect what she does for a living. Savanna told Howard about how her parents still aren't into what she's doing for a living and give her the silent treatment when she starts to tell them about what she's up to. She hasn't seen them for quite a while now but she doesn't want to change what she's doing for a living.
Savanna told Howard about this woman Kim that she was really in love with. She met her at Scores but she didn't work there, she was just there for fun. She said they hooked up after meeting and she moved into her apartment in the city. She was really into her but she moved back to Sweden and she misses her a lot now. Savanna said her husband wasn't too thrilled with her but it may have been a jealousy thing. Howard said he thinks she's in love with that woman because she was almost crying about it. She did see her about a month ago and they hooked up together.
Howard brought up Savanna's book ''How to Have a XXX Sex Life : The Ultimate Vivid Guide.'' Savanna told Howard about what's in the book and how they have opinions from a bunch of different Vivid Girls. She told him they talk about oral sex and what feels good to them and how they like things done to them. She said there's a sexy story at the beginning of each chapter.
There are book signings in New York and L.A. Tonight for the book. Savanna will be at the Virgin Megastore in Times Square at 7pm and a couple of other Vivid girls will be at the Virgin on Sunset in Los Angeles.
Artie asked for a hug from Savanna. Howard told her that they talked about this woman who Steve O went to get a hug from recently and how Savanna would be a better person for that job. There were a couple of guys in the office who wanted to get hugs from her as well. High Pitch Erik called in and asked Savanna if she's single. She said she's not so Howard hung up on him. Another guy called in and said he'd made a mess out of his steering wheel while listening to Savanna talking. Howard said he'd help the rest of the guys who hadn't finished and talked to her about her relationship with this woman from Sweden. Savanna talked about her tender moments with her for a short time.
Howard had the guys bring in this guy JD who works in the back office. He's still a virgin os they were going to let him touch Savanna somewhere. Howard asked Savanna what she'd be comfortable with him touching. She said her leg or stomach would be fine with her. JD said that he hasn't ever touched a chick's boobs or ass in his life. JD said that he hasn't really been intimate with a woman at all. Savanna asked him what he's waiting for. Howard couldn't believe that he hadn't made it work with anyone since he started working there. JD said he just doesn't go up to people and tell them that he works for Howard Stern.
Howard wondered how far JD could go with Savanna. She was sticking with the leg and stomach touching though. Even JD sounded like he wasn't into some of the stuff that was being suggested. JD went over to Savanna and gave her a little bit of a spanking. He was trying to act cool according to the guys and it wasn't coming off like he liked it. There were other guys out in the office who wanted to touch her as well. Artie said that the guys in the studio hadn't gone yet so they had to wait in line.
A listener called in and asked Howard what he has to do to get another woman in bed with them. Savanna told him that he has to talk to his partner and find out what she wants. She thinks that she might be interested in the same thing. She said he'd be surprised at what the woman might want. Howard added that you should say that you love your spouse but you want to have other people in bed. Savanna also said you have to spend most of your time on your wife or husband because you don't want them to get jealous. The caller said he has talked to his wife about going to a strip club but he hasn't done that yet. Savanna said that's a great way to get the other person into it.
Howard let a couple more phone callers through to talk to Savanna. After that Howard gave her a couple more plugs for her book and the book signing she's doing tonight. Artie asked if the touching was over with because he didn't get to go up there. Howard told him to just go get a hug from her. Artie then went up and hugged her as he squeezed her ass. Howard then went to commercial break.
Howard got back to the tape of ''Snake and The Brusier'' who spoke to this woman Ginny Bavona who wrote a book about ghosts. You can find out more about the book at HauntedEncounters.com. KC is the straight man in the team and Wood Yi says goofy stuff to the woman as she's trying to tell a ghost story. He was asking the 73 year old woman about sexual stuff and it seemed to piss her off quite a bit. She told Bruiser to shut up at least once. Wood Yi kept saying stuff to her as she was telling this story but she just ignored him. Artie thought it was pretty funny because Wood Yi was just cursing and telling her to suck him and stuff like that. She eventually hung up on them. Howard said she was a good sport about it and let them put it on the air.
Howard saw that AJ was at Bill Maher's place recently so he wondered what he was doing there. AJ said he went there with his wife so there was nothing going on there. AJ went on to explain how Maher has a house the size of 3 football fields. He doesn't understand how he has that kind of money to buy a place like that.
AJ also told Howard about this hot chick Thora Birch that Maher was hanging out with. He told Howard about the woman but Howard didn't remember who she was. It didn't matter because AJ said that Maher's place was just incredible to see. He said he felt like he was in summer camp because there was so much stuff to do there. There weren't really any famous people other than Kato Kalin and Maher at the time. Howard had to wrap up the call after just a few minutes. He let AJ go and moved on to other stuff.
Artie told Howard he's heard stories about how guys make money working for HBO. He said HBO gives them money to create shows but they keep the money for themselves and keep the budget low on the show so they can keep the money.
High Pitch Erik was another one but Howard was ripping through the clips pretty quick. The next one was a complaint about Robin being a ''dumb nig*er'' so the guys immediately knew it was Daniel Carver. Howard read another one and said he wasn't sure he cared about it at this point. They knew that the next one was Wendy the Retard.
The next one was Gary the Retard complaining about Artie and how he doesn't know how to do anything right on the show. Howard read the next one about Howard talking about being a Jew. Of course it was Daniel Carver.
The next one was someone complaining about Robin thinking that she's a princess. It was High Pitch Erik again. Next up was someone complaining about Howard bragging about having a girlfriend and how that person doesn't have one. Wendy the Retard complained about Robin talking too much and saying that she should sing more on the show. The guys were figuring out almost all of the clips immediately, without even hearing the audio. Jeff the Drunk said that nothing bothers him about Artie because it's like looking in a mirror to him. Artie said that was the most depressing thing he'd heard.
Howard had some e-mail to read. He talked about how President Bush fell off his bicycle again recently. Howard wondered who the troops feel about stuff like that when they hear that the President is out riding a bicycle for an hour and a half. Howard read another article that someone sent to him about a dentist who injected semen into six women's mouths. The guys talked about that for a short time and tried to figure out why a guy would do something like that.
Howard read some mail from people who are pissed about all of the political discussions they've been having lately. Howard talked about how there's still a good chance he can be kicked off the air any day now and that's why he's doing the political discussions. There's no way to avoid it.
Howard got some complaints about the M. Night Shyamalan interview. There were some problems out in San Francisco as well and they didn't get to hear the whole interview. Howard wasn't sure what happened there though.
Some people wrote in about Benjy and the bit he did the other day. Some people aren't thrilled with the bit he did where he went out and screamed at an anti-violence event. Howard told Benjy he was sorry it didn't go over as well when he replayed it.
Howard said there's a web site called ImaginaryGirlfriends.com where guys can have a woman write to them as if she's a real girlfriend. Artie started to laugh as soon as he heard the premise of the web site. Howard talked about that for a short time and Artie said this could be good for someone like JD who doesn't have a girlfriend. He said that life just sucks sometimes.
A listener called in and asked Howard what a ''Harvest Moon'' is. It was mentioned on the show the other day so Howard explained that it's just a dirty ass and when the person bends over and gets on all fours, you see that mess. That was about as detailed as he could get on the air.
Howard is hoping to get to a preview of M. Night Shyamalan's new movie ''The Village.'' They're waiting to find out if that's going to happen for tomorrow. Howard also mentioned that he asked Night about this movie role he was offered recently. Night told him that it's a dark comedy and he's not sure that they do very well in theaters. Howard isn't even sure he wants to do a huge blockbuster movie. He changed his mind a minute later after Artie talked to him about the Adam Sandler movies that end up doing well no matter what the critics say.
Howard said he'd get to work with a really cool co-star but he's still not sure he wants to do the movie. He said he just has to make sure he makes a great movie every time. He had to take a break shortly after that.
Scott DePace came in and told Howard how he was going to play tennis with Artie the other day but when he went down to meet him he was missing. It turns out he'd gone to get something to eat while he waited. He got a Chicken Parm sandwich... Then a soup and a root beer. He went over to get desert and got some fudge cookies and another root beer. He was so full he was sleepy and couldn't even play tennis. Then they drove home in Scott's filthy, stinky car with Paul Harvey on the radio. He said it was like getting a ride home with his grandfather. When they got back to Jersey they went to another pizza place where Artie got another two slices. Artie told Scott that he's going to beat his ass when they eventually do play tennis. He said he could beat him with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.
Artie said that he went up on his balcony and looked out over the Hudson river as he smoked a cigarette after all of the eating. Howard interrupted that to goof on Scott about how he's boycotting Heinz products because John Kerry's wife is part of the Heinz family. Scott said that was a joke and he picked another brand for no good reason. He's not really boycotting the products, he just chose not to give more money to that family at that particular time.
Howard talked about the days when he would eat all kinds of crap. He was sick all the time and uncomfortable but he would eat a whole box of spaghetti with a pound of meat sauce at one sitting. He was also eating all kinds of fast foods like Roy Rogers and others. He loved it but it made him feel like crap.
Howard had Robin start her news after that. They need up talking about the Amish for a short time because there's a TV show coming out called ''Amish in the City'' where some Amish people spend some time living in the city. Howard wasn't sure how that works. He and Robin talked about how it would be kind of interesting to live like the Amish.
Captain Janks called in and told Howard that years ago when he was buying coke he would get it from an Amish guy who would drive down to sell it to him. Janks also had a new prank call to play for them. He called into a show down in Florida and asked if they thought that the moral decay of Florida was because of Howard's return to the state. The guy on the show said he doesn't believe Howard has anything to do with it and the moral decay in the state had come before Howard was on there. Janks had a second call where he asked the hosts if they like ''Howard Stern's meet whistle.'' The hosts quickly move on to another call as if Janks had never called in.
Howard said that they're going to be having a ''Porn Star Olympics'' on the show soon. That led to him talking about going to Scores one of these days to see some strippers. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to get away from his bulletin board and the other projects he has going on. Robin got back to her news and wrapped up around 10:15 this morning.
Howard started off the show saying he just had a ridiculously long night and didn't get much sleep. Beth was out of town last night doing the Craig Kilborn show so he was alone. He said Craig's show is pretty good actually but Robin said she never watches it. Artie joked that he was on it one night and didn't even watch it that night.
Howard went on to talk about how he went to Scores last night for dinner with Artie and about 7 other guys. He was drinking as well because Artie was having a Jack and water. Artie almost didn't go to Scores because his grandmother was feeling kind of sick yesterday. She's in the hospital but she's doing well. He also went to a bar and drank until it was time to go to Scores. He went to his favorite bar, O'Farrell's on 10th Ave. Gary came in and said that he and the guys told Artie not to worry about his grandmother because she wasn't going anywhere. Artie talked about how he hung out in that bar just drinking and talking to the bartender while they listened to some music.
Howard said Artie always tells him how he doesn't drink during the week but he obviously does. Artie said he was a Scores party so he wasn't going to ruin that by not drinking. Howard and Artie don't talk much off the air and the only time they do is when they go to Scores. He was trying to tell the girls at the club that they had a lot in common but they really don't. Artie likes how they get to be good looking guys as soon as the Funny Money comes out over there. Howard said he has learned not to care it's the money that gets the girls to pay attention to them.
Howard spent about 2 hours at Scores last night and an hour of that was eating. He said when he left the club it was still light out so it was kind of embarrassing. He talked about how great that new West Side Scores is for a few seconds. He went on to say that he stumbled home after having a few Vodkas. After that he went to bed and tried to get to sleep. He watched the Democratic National Convention and got bored by that. Robin said she loved watching that. She told Howard that he must have missed the good speakers.
Howard said he already knows who he's voting for so he doesn't need to watch that stuff. He then went on to talk about the fact that President Bush was sitting in a school classroom for seven minutes after being told that the country was under attack on 9/11. Howard went off on him for a few minutes about how he should have gotten out of that class immediately to figure out what they should be doing. Howard said he can almost understand him sitting there after first being told about it but then they come back in the room and tell him a second time that the country was under attack and he still just sits there.
Howard got back to Scores and talked about how good the food was there. The shrimp cocktail was really good and the shrimp were firm... like their women. They had some vegetables out that Howard enjoyed. Mike Gange and JD were there. The guys were busting JD's balls about talking to some of the girls there. He has nothing to say to them so he just sits there. Howard was trying to include him in some conversations but the girls really don't care.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked why he wasn't invited. Howard told him that it was just for a few of the guys at work and not for everyone that usually goes. Dominic changed subjects and brought up President Bush again. That got Howard talking about those 7 minutes that Bush just sat in that classroom and didn't do anything on 9/11. He said that the guy is a dimwit and it's time to get someone else in office to give them a chance.
Howard said he went to bed around 7:30 last night but he woke up around 11:30. He had even taken an Ambien to try and get some sleep but it didn't work. He was thinking about staying up to watch Beth on Craig Kilborn's show. He figures that his conscious mind was overriding the Ambien and wouldn't let him sleep. Kilborn's show wasn't on until 12:30 or something like that so Howard stayed up to watch it since he was awake already. After watching that he thought that she looked great and he figured that it would change people's mind about her on his bulletin board. He went on the board and everyone was bashing her for having a horse face and crap like that. It was a bit upsetting for him so he finds himself going on the board less than he has been. He'd like to kick some people off but the board is for the fans who just want to post anything they want to.
Scott DePace told Howard that Sean the White Rapper is on the board all the time and is constantly posting stuff and he's really annoying. He's trying to make a point about how he has 100 names on the board and he's constantly posting nonsense on there. He would like Howard to block him because it's so annoying. Gary came in and told Howard that Scott has a defense for Bush sitting there in that classroom for the 7 minutes that he was talking about earlier. DePace didn't want to talk about it but Howard let him say what he was thinking. DePace said that he doesn't see what Bush could have been doing in that seven minutes and doesn't think that it was that big of a deal. Howard tried not to respond because he didn't want to get into a political discussion.
Sean the White Rapper called in and goofed on Scott about how he's posting stuff about the Xbox just trying to pick up young boys. Sean told Howard that there's a big problem with the web site because you can register as many names as you want. Howard wondered why he'd even test something like that. Sean was trying to prove that there weren't as many people on the web site as he thinks there are. Howard said they may have to block his IP address if he keeps that stuff up. Sean said he'll just go buy another computer if that's the case. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy after he said that Howard only reads stuff about himself. Howard said they really do have to get rid of that guy from the board. He suggested to Scott that he just talk about his personal life with him on the board if he wants to shut him up.
Howard took a call from a listener who saw Beth on Craig Kilborn's show last night. The guy said that Beth has cross-eyes and also said that she was coming on to Craig on the show. Howard said this is what goes on with his bulletin board. He's got to boycott his own board now. People are brutal and bitter about everything there. He thought that Beth did a great job on the show last night but everyone there was bashing her.
This guy SIM from the board called in and said that he has to keep coming to the board. Howard told him that he'll still be there, don't worry. He then talked about how Jason wrote a great piece about what it's like when Howard announces they're going to Scores. He said the piece is pretty good. Gary hadn't read it yet but Howard told him that he writes about the list that he carries around and how he announces it to everyone that they're picking the people to go to Scores. Gary said he doesn't like being in control of that list but he has no choice. Howard said Jason talks about how Gary calls people in one by one to let them know that they're invited to Scores. He really enjoyed the piece that he wrote.
Gary talked about how Ralph has been working on this room at Scores for months now but Lonnie is getting kind of upset that it's not done yet. Gary said that Ralph wants to lower the ceiling in the room by 6 inches which is ridiculous. Howard wondered what Ralph's problem is and why he hasn't finished it yet.
King of all Blacks called in and told Howard that the people on the bulletin board are all jealous of Beth and that's why they're always bashing him. He wants to get on the bulletin board himself but he hasn't been able to log on with his registered name yet. He needs some help with that. He mentioned that he has a new Apple computer so that led to the guys talking about how he's really into brand names. He and Angry Black were on the phone not too long ago arguing about stuff and he was talking about how he has Moen bathroom fixtures and stuff like that. Artie was goofing on him about that for a few seconds. Sean the White Rapper called back in and tried to get Howard to get his name listed in orange on the bulletin board but he ended up hanging up on him again. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Artie was talking about how one time Lonnie from Scores was telling the girls that his favorite movie was ''Dirty Work'' which artie was in. One of the girls didn't know what he was getting at and said ''Mine is Lethal Weapon 3'' so Lonnie grabbed her said ''Tonight it's Dirty Work.''
KC told Howard that Artie was kind of nuts there at Scores. He told one of the girls that KC was great ''... If you like to catch AIDS.'' Artie said that was because he had some drinks in him and he was getting bitter already. Howard talked about how he starts conversations with the girls there at the club and he handle's it all wrong. Ronnie came in and said he had a great story about Artie as well. He said that he and Artie were talking to a couple of girls so Ronnie told one of the girls that Artie was waiting for a liver transplant. The stripper was falling for the whole story he was telling them about the liver and how Tommy Lee was above him on the list. He also told the girls that they had to keep an eye on his eyes because if they turn yellow, they have to rush him to the hospital to get dialysis.
Howard talked about how creepy he must come off at the club when he's talking to the girls as they're grinding in their laps. KC and the guys did think that was kind of weird. At one point Howard was talking to a stripper who was talking about how she got to dance for Kid Rock the other day. He told her that if she wanted disease, she might as well go be with him. He loves Kid Rock and doesn't even know why he was saying such things but he figures it's because he was trying to sell himself.
Artie said one girl was sniffling as she was dancing for him and said that she had allergies. Artie said to her that he hoped it wasn't an allergy to back hair. Artie said one girl looked him over and told him he had a great voice.
Howard had a couple of drinks last night but he wasn't as drunk as KC thought he was. KC said that Howard pinched his nipple though so he thought he was a bit drunk. KC also said that Artie was yelling at the DJ for playing ''We Built This City'' at one point last night. Howard said he hated hearing that song as well and told Lonnie that. Lonnie said that they will never play that song there again.
KC mentioned how great the food was there so the guys ended up talking about that again. They love the food there but people don't believe that it could be that good. Howard said he has the Lobster Fra Diablo when he goes. Each of the guys talked about what they ate while they were there as well. Robin thought it was funny that JD got to go to Scores but then had to walk across town to get home... in the rain. Howard took some phone calls after that and let some people talk about the bulletin board. He had to take another break after that.
Mike told Howard he was an overweight child and he started working out to lose weight. He eventually worked that into personal training later in life. He said his first job was with a married woman who he ended up doing stuff with. Mike told Howard about how the woman thought her ass was getting big and she needed to lose some weight. When he showed up at her door she was wearing a black negligee. He had to deal with the shock of that at first. Mike said she was an attractive woman too. She invited him in to tell him what she needed. She was talking about how she needed to firm up her body and was caressing her breasts as she was telling him this. He was only 17 at the time and was kind of intimidated by all of it. Mike figured she was around 28-30 years old at the time. Mike said he started to panic as he was telling her what they'd be doing to work her out. She was insinuating stuff every time he'd bring up something like using a mat for her workout.
Mike said she asked if there was something they could do that day because she didn't have any equipment there at the time. She took him into her bedroom and told him they could work out in there... on the bed. He went along with that and started to stretch her out while she was on the bed and got nervous that her husband was going to come home or something. He was going to leave so she gave him a hug with her breasts pressing against him. He never did anything that day but he went home and told his mother about what happened. She freaked out when she found out. His father found out about it as well so he told him not to go back because he doesn't want any husband coming around and shooting his son with a shotgun.
Howard asked Mike how many of his clients have been married women that he's banged. Mike said there have been over 40 women that he's banged who were married. There are a lot of women out there who want to live out their fantasies and they use him for that. Howard wondered if he ever did any pigs when he was doing these chicks. Mike told Howard that he likes women who have big breasts and he tries not to do women who were bigger down below than they are up above.
Mike said he never got caught doing any of this stuff so he was pretty lucky. He said he's had some close calls though. Mike told Howard another story about a woman who came up to do some training and she was really hot. She had a great tan and an incredible body. She had worked out with him and asked him to rub her down after the hard workout. She ended up taking off her bra and turned over as he was rubbing her down. They messed around after that for a little while but she went back to Miami and told her husband about what had happened. The guy sent some of his guys to take care of him so someone warned him and he had to get out of town so he wouldn't get killed. That's how he ended up living out in California.
Mike told Howard he charges $150 an hour to do the training but once the sex starts, the money stops coming in. That's when the women realize what's going on and stop paying. Howard gave Mike a plug for his web site OperationFitness.com and took some phone calls after that. Zolar called in and said the guy sounds like a rump wrangler to him but Howard said the guy is telling the truth.
Mike talked about how he was married to a Penthouse Pet for a while but he knew that she'd eventually leave him because guys were constantly coming on to her. He eventually had to get rid of her because she was constantly asking him if she looked good. She always needed validation and he'd heard enough of that from the women he works with. He told her that she was driving him nuts and dumped her.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that a lot of the divorce cases he has now are because of personal trainers and kick boxing trainers sleeping with the wives. Dominic said that a lot of the spouses are putting nanny cams in the house to catch their spouses cheating on them. Howard talked about how these guys are out supporting these women who are paying $150 an hour to work out and they're complaining that they don't have enough attention paid to them. Dominic warned Mike that he had a guy who had a personal trainer's knuckles broken because of things like he used to do. Mike said that's why he had to stop doing that stuff and doesn't do it anymore.
Howard told the guys about a friend of his who was a personal trainer and got his masseuse license. That led to him doing massages on his clients who ended up asking him for prostate massages but they were chicks who didn't have prostates to massage. He said he'd be knuckle deep in these broads from what he heard.
Howard let some more phone callers ask Mike some questions. One guy asked him if he ever did any old, ugly broads for money. Mike said he never had to do that because he was getting laid regularly. Another guy told a story about how he caught his wife cheating with a personal trainer one time. He said the divorce ended up costing him about $17 million after the divorce was all done. Now he's banging a 21 year old but he has to borrow money from her because he's broke.
Gary came in and said that he read that Mike had gotten some celebrity tail but he wasn't sure who it was. Mike said he couldn't talk about that stuff. Howard guessed that it was Jennifer Aniston but Mike didn't want to give any clues as to who it could have been so he just laughed. Gary told Howard that he has trained Kim Cattral and Cindy Margolis. Howard tried to find out if he banged either of them. Mike wouldn't say a word about who he has banged though.
A caller told Howard that this guy isn't even good looking so he can't imagine how he gets laid. Mike said that he's not that bad looking and it's the attention you pay to the women that got him laid. Howard started to wrap up the segment but Fred played a clip from the movie ''Carnal Knowledge'' where Jack Nicholson yells at his wife about cleaning up the house and stuff like that. Howard said that's the greatest performance by Nicholson ever.
Howard asked Mike a little more about his web site and about his life. A caller told Howard that this guy Mike is a con-artist and he did some things that were kind of shady. Mike said this guy is probably the husband of one of the chicks who he was training or something. The caller also said he heard that he used to go to some gay bar. That's when the guys figured he was a phony. Howard thanked Mike for calling in and told him that he will never let a personal trainer in his house. He went to commercial right after that.
Howard talked about how Page Six picked up on the phone call they had from Chef Ron yesterday. They talked about that for a couple of minutes because they had a picture of Don Imus in the article. The guy looks like he's 70 years old in the picture even though his age was recently listed as 64. Howard read through the article and goofed on Imus a little bit before moving on to some e-mail.
Howard had some mail about the bulletin board and how much trouble people are having getting into it. Howard told people to just keep trying and they'll get in. Another writer said that the picture of M. Night Shyamalan and Howard couldn't do him less justice. That led to Howard saying he doesn't want anymore pictures of him put on there. He can't take the bashing anymore.
Another e-mailer asked Howard what his thoughts were on Teresa Heinz Kerry telling a reporter to ''shove it'' the other day. Howard said that all of that stuff is irrelevant to him. He could care less about those issues and he doesn't care who John Kerry is married to. He said he wouldn't care if the guy was married to a monkey. Robin told Howard that she saw Kerry's wife make a speech last night and she fell in love with her.
Howard read an e-mail about all of the pictures of Artie they have on the web site and how they should really have more pictures of Gary on there instead. A writer told Howard that George W. isn't pandering to the religious right like Howard thinks he is, he IS the religious right. Robin agreed with that one.
After the e-mail Howard had some tape to play. He had Maria Conchita-Alonzo being interviewed by his station in Los Angeles. The woman interviewer asked Maria what she thinks of Howard Stern. She said that she respects what Howard does and then rambled a bunch of stuff in spanish. No one was sure what she said but Howard guessed that she said something about his prostate or his ''milky sauce.'' That was a reference to a bit that Richard Christy had put together using tape of George Takei from his book on tape reading. Howard tried to find the bit to play it but it was buried deep in his piles of stuff. He eventually found it and replayed it. Christy had re-edited everything to make it sound like he was talking about his wang being covered in latex and stuff like that. The guys wondered where the ''wang'' came from. Gary said Takei had mentioned that name in his audio book when talking about a character he'd played one time. The guys goofed on that for a couple of minutes.
A woman called in and said that she thought that movie clip Howard played earlier was hilarious. She anted to know the name of it. Howard told her it was from ''Carnal Knowledge.'' Robin said that movie really stands up after all of these years.
Howard had an audio clip from ''Big Brother 5'' where two good looking guys and two good looking girls talk about how tough it is to be good looking. Howard talked about how he was never even noticed when he was younger. Howard listened to the clip and said ''Boo F'n Hoo.'' Howard said that being ugly is a curse all the time, being good looking is a curse only sometimes. Howard said he wishes a chick would just notice him. These guys were complaining that chicks pre-judge him.
Howard moved on to another letter he got from a company that got an advertising call from a woman at Clear Channel. He said that he let the woman give her 8 minute speech about what she wanted to sell but when she was almost done, he asked her if she supported free speech. She said ''yes'' so he asked her if she supports Howard Stern. She said ''no'' so he told her that Clear Channel sucks and they would never get his business. He also told her that he'd never go to a Clear Channel event or listen to any of their radio stations. Howard thanked the guy and said he'd give out his full name if he thought the guy wanted it given out.
Howard read that Courtney Love was sentenced to some time in a drug rehab center. He said he likes Courtney but she sounds like a nut job. Now that he's heard a lot of this stuff, Curt Cobain's suicide makes more sense to him. He read about some of the wacky stuff she's been doing lately and why it got her in trouble.
Howard also talked about Chef Ron's claims that 64 out of the 80-some recipes in Deirdre Imus' cook book are his and he's not getting any credit for that. Howard had some tape of Imus talking about the Page Six article that Howard mentioned earlier in the morning. Imus can barely speak and it was tough to understand his mumbling. He said that must be why he doesn't get any ratings, people can't understand him. Imus said that he has stuff on Chef Ron that he's sure he doesn't want brought up on the air. Howard doesn't think that Imus has anything on him and he can't ruin anyone. Fred was doing a great impression of Imus and his unintelligible mumblings.
Howard isn't sure if Chef Ron is telling the truth but if he is, they should let him in on the profits from the book. Imus says that the profits go right to the ranch so he doesn't know what Chef Ron expects to get. Howard said that Imus talks in the same way that ventriloquists speak without moving their lips. Imus brought up Howard's name and how his girlfriend is half naked in an magazine (FHM). He wondered what she has done for anyone. Howard said the guy always has to get personal with that stuff and he just gets angry about everything. Howard pointed out that his girlfriend is using pictures of herself in the magazine, not stealing someone else's.
Imus goes on to talk about how he would never bad mouth a former employee unless they pushed him. Howard wondered why he doesn't just bad mouth him then because he is being pushed. Artie said that Imus has to be the worst looking, living, human being. He said the picture he saw in Page Six actually makes him feel better because he looks so bad. That led to Howard talking about what Imus used to do at WNBC when they worked there together. He said that Imus would do this ''Moby Worm'' bit that was just awful to him. He goofed on the guy for a few minutes about some of the other lame stuff he used to do on his radio show. He also brought up this woman Roz Frank who did the traffic reports for the station and how he would ask her what she did there. He said he got yelled at about that until he started to get huge ratings.
Howard talked about how Imus would sit in on his writing meetings and try to figure out what he was doing to get such big ratings. Howard claims that Imus was stealing stuff from him and starting to act like him after he did that for a while. Imus would actually call Howard's mother on his radio show. Howard thought that was weird and he told his mother to just hang up on him if he called. Howard said there were posters that WNBC created and Imus wouldn't give them away free, he was selling them. Howard thought the poster was the gayest thing he'd seen but Imus was selling them on his radio show like they were worth something. He billed them as being ''suitable for framing.'' He said that was amazing to him. He and Robin continued to talk about some of the other wacky stuff that Imus did back then. Howard finally got his wish when Infinity Broadcasting hired him and he blew Imus out of the water with his ratings.
Howard played more of the Imus audio tape and also brought up how Imus lies about the number of listeners he has. In a recent article he claimed that he had 40 million listeners. Howard said that means he would have 20 percent of the country listening to him which is a bunch of crap. Howard played a little more of the Imus tape where he says that Chef Ron was fired and he knows why they had to fire him. He said if his current employer knew why he was fired, he'd be fired by them as well. Big Black told Howard that he loved when Howard called Imus a couple of months ago and you could see Imus giving the cut sign when Howard went off on him.
Howard wants to get Chef Ron back on the line so they can find out the reason he was fired. Howard had to get going because he'd gone so long without a break. Big Black had another question for him but Howard told him he had to go. Gary came in a few seconds later and said that Chef Ron was on the line.
Howard told Chef Ron what Imus had just said about him in that audio tape. Ron said that he told Howard the reason for his firing yesterday. He said that he was told that he was just too smart for his own good. Even though he had gotten a raise a month before, he was fired. Howard told Gary to see if Imus wanted to talk to him and Chef Ron on the air. Ron said that he has no idea what Imus is talking about when he says he has something that would ruin him. Ron said Imus can go right ahead and start talking if he wants.
JD came in and told Howard that Gary was trying to get Imus on the line. Fred did his impression of Imus a little more and goofed on him for a few more seconds while they waited for that phone call to come. JD came in again and said that Gary had spoken to Bernard and Bernard was supposed to be going to tell Imus about the call. Howard said that he'll even stay quiet during the discussion, he just wants to let Chef Ron talk to Imus. Howard told Gary to tell them that he'd stay quiet during the call if they wanted. Chef Ron said he might even have some other stories to share if Imus wants to get down and dirty.
Gary came in and told Howard that Imus' official statement was that he'd find out in court what that was all about. Howard wished Chef Ron luck and got off the line with him. He had to take a break before bringing Colin Quinn in to hang out for the news.
Howard was up late last night watching Leno and Letterman before watching his girlfriend on Craig Kilborn's show. Colin said his show (Tough Crowd) is on at 11:30 so he thought that he was giving him a nice set up. Howard hasn't seen his show yet but he's heard it's good. Colin went on to tell Howard that he has to bring Stuttering John back to the show because watching him talk to Jay Leno is tough to watch. He thinks that John should be back on Howard's show where he belongs.
Howard asked Colin about his personal life and how that's going. Colin just laughed at the way he asked him. Howard then went on to tell the guys about how he had a meeting with his agent and attorney yesterday about the lawsuit they have against Clear Channel. They were telling him how ridiculous their counter suit is against him. They spent like an hour talking about the lawsuit. Howard said he'd just gotten out of the shower before the phone call so he was in a towel. He was looking at his genitals and saw that the hair on his balls had gotten a little too long. He grabbed a trimmer so he could shave his balls while he was on the phone. He realized what he was doing and said if those guys knew what he was doing, they'd flip out. He realized how disgusting he was and got sickened with himself as he was doing it. He just wanted to get that out there to let people know about that.
Colin said that he tried to clip his hair one time and accidentally cut himself one time. Colin also brought up how Greg Fitzsimmons was on the show last week talking about his big penis. Colin didn't like the lies that were being told about him on the show that day. Howard was saying stuff about Colin and how he's had a history of being with guys in the past and Colin wasn't thrilled about that. Colin said that he did ask him to show his penis after he was on his show but Greg didn't hesitate to whip it out. Colin said he was impressed with the size of Greg's package but he did not get aroused when he saw it.
Howard said that Greg has had women actually tell him that he's too big for them. Howard and Colin both said they've never had that problem. Howard gave Colin a plug for his Comedy Central show ''Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn'' which airs Monday through Thursday. Colin is also appearing at Caroline's on Broadway this Thursday through Sunday.
Howard had Robin start the news after that. Howard asked Colin about his show a little more during the news. Colin says that he spends a lot of the day actually working there on the show. He writes his own monolog. Artie said he's done the show before and it's like taking a test when you do it. He said they tell you what topics you're going to talk about and if you don't know about it, you're screwed. Colin said that on tonight's show they'll be talking about Denzel Washington talking about how he's a ''slave'' to the white man or something like that.
Gary came in and told Howard that Artie actually had to study for Colin's show the last time he was on. Artie told Howard about how he had to come up with a joke for this bit he had to do at the end of the show. He couldn't come up with anything so he had to call his buddy Frank Sebastiano who gave him a joke to tell. He said the subject was ''What are the advantages of having sex with a midget.'' Frank gave him a joke about how abortion's are half price if you get one pregnant. He said he used that joke and it killed that night. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
During the news Howard and Colin spent a couple of minutes talking about President Bush. Colin isn't really against Bush as much as Howard is so Howard tried to get to him by bringing up the 7 minutes that Bush sat in that school classroom after the second airplane hit the World Trade Center. Colin said the guy really couldn't have done anything in that 7 minutes anyway. Howard asked Colin why Bush hasn't fired anyone for not doing their jobs. They spent a minute on that before Howard asked Robin to get back to her news so they wouldn't spend too much time on that. He couldn't get too far away from the subject because Robin brought up Teresa Heinz Kerry right after that. That got Howard and Colin arguing about Bush and Kerry a little more. Howard went over some of the stuff that Michael Moore showed in his movie ''Fahrenheit 9/11'' and had a couple of arguments with Colin. He only spent a couple more minutes on it before having Robin move on to other stories. Colin had to leave early around 10 o'clock because he had to get to work. Robin still had more news to get to but Colin couldn't stick around all morning.
Howard started off the show talking about Playboy Playmate Cara Wakelin who was coming in later in the show. He then said that he finally got some sleep last night since Beth finally came home after going out to Los Angeles to do the Craig Kilborn show. She used to work on David Letterman's show in sketches and stuff but they dropped her after she started dating him. Howard thought it was kind of silly but Beth didn't really care because there wasn't a lot of money there. She liked doing the work but she doesn't miss the low pay. Howard told her that's what happens when you date a scumbag. People want some kind of payback or something.
Howard asked Vinnie (Favale) what happened there but he didn't say what his answer was. Letterman seems to be very paranoid about his show and he probably thought there could be some security breech there or something. Howard said that Vinnie once told him they just didn't need her for the bits they were doing and there was nothing weird going on there. When Howard first started dating Beth, they were still calling her to do bits over there at Letterman's show but as soon as they found out about them dating, they stopped calling her.
Howard talked about how Beth was going to be one of the hot chicks who walks Letterman out at the start of the show but that fell through. He said he saw the show the other night and one of the chicks looks a little odd to him. He said she makes all kinds of weird gestures when she gets on camera.
A listener called in and reminded Howard to play the audio tape of Gena Lee Nolin that he's been promising to play for the past couple of days. Howard thanked the guy for reminding him. He and Robin then spent a couple of minutes talking about his relationship and how funny it was that he couldn't get any sleep when Beth was gone. Robin knows that Howard can't do without a full time relationship. He can't get to sleep when Beth is away so he needs someone around constantly.
Chaunce Hayden was on the phone but Howard didn't want to put him on. He said he got a weird e-mail from him yesterday where he blows the end of the movie ''The Village'' for him and he also changes his views from the e-mail to his review. Howard eventually put him on after he and Gary had goofed on him for a minute. Chaunce said that he did post the review on Howard's bulletin board and warned people that they didn't have to read it if they didn't want to. He spoils the whole movie though.
Howard got sidetracked for a minute when he got on the subject of his bulletin board. It's really slow and he wasn't able to post last night because of it. Gary said the same thing and also said that he had to get off the system because it was so slow. They spent a couple of minutes talking about the board and what goes on there.
Sean the White Rapper called in and asked how he gets his name put in color. Howard said that there's a big movement to get Sean kicked off the board completely. Howard feels that everyone should be able to post on there like everyone else. He does post some funny stuff according to Howard. He said that Joey Boots has asked him to kick him off. Sean said some stuff about Joey that ended up getting the delay button hit. Howard told Sean that he can't give him the orange name because he's way out of control. Howard said there really is a convincing argument that he should be kicked off the board. He said the guy is really angry. Robin said he's demented as well as being angry. She's read his posts on the bulletin board. Gary said that he gets really angry when he doesn't get the attention that he thinks he deserves. He also said that Sean went to a fight with him one time when Howard gave him the trip as a prize. He behaved himself that night but Gary is still afraid of him because he knows he can turn on him.
Gary said that Sean spent some time breaking into the voice mail there at the station and wreaked havoc on the whole phone system. He was redirecting things there and really messed with them. Gary said that he's also threatening to post people's phone numbers if they don't put his screen name in orange. Sean told the guys that people offer him up information just because they know that he's a huge fan of the show. He heard that Robin bought a piano and wanted to learn to play so she bought like 50 books to learn how to play. Robin just laughed and said that she did have a lot of books.
Howard asked Sean if he knew anything about Fred. Sean said he really didn't know much about him but he has heard a few things from the members of his band. He said that he has heard that Fred is into guys. Fred said when he doesn't know anything, he just makes it up. Howard had to hang up on Sean when he started asking about prizes.
Howard moved on to talk about how many people hate Chaunce on the bulletin board when he posts something. The posts immediately start coming in when he posts. A listener called in a minute later and told Howard that he works for a web hosting company who thinks they can handle his traffic. Howard said the guys at Dreamtank know what they're doing and they've already heard from every web hosting company out there.
Howard bailed out on Chaunce when he tried to explain the stuff he was saying about M. Night Shyamalan's movie ''The Village'' and how it was a ''Great concept with a crappy execution.'' Howard went on to say that Ron Howard's daughter is pretty good looking in the movie. That led to him talking about his own daughters for a few seconds. He had to take a break after that before getting to the Gena Lee Nolin tape he's been promising to play.
Howard and Robin talked about Us magazine and how they have these guys in there who critique people's clothing. He said that stuff is really gay. He and Robin goofed on what some of them say in those reviews. Artie said he was offered the chance to do that but he's not interested in talking about people's clothing. Howard said the people who critique the clothes aren't even dressed well.
Howard got some e-mail about Chyna Doll, formerly of the WWF, and how they thought she was ripping off Lisa Loeb when she sang on the show last week. Howard thought that was kind of funny because he thought that she was kind of making it up as she went along. He played the audio again because it's his new favorite song. He said it was like when Herman Munster sang a song on The Munsters. That got the guys talking about The Munsters for a short time. Howard remembered the episode where Herman sang that song and how great Grandpa Al Lewis was on the show. He did his impression of Herman and Grandpa and reenacted one of the scenes he remembered.
Robin talked about an old episode of Mr. Ed she saw recently and how great that show was. She said it was the episode there they figured out that Mr. Ed could talk. She doesn't remember exact quotes from old shows like that, she just remembers enjoying the show. Howard said that The Munsters and the Addams Family were great shows. He thinks that The Munsters was the best show ever made. Artie thought that the Honeymooners was the best one in his opinion. Robin mentioned Mr. Ed and the Beverly Hillbillies. Artie remembered some of The Munsters shows where Herman would get into sports and become the star of the team. He loved those episodes but Robin didn't remember any of those. The guys continued to bring up other scenes and episodes they remembered from those shows. Howard said he'd love it if they could bring Fred Gwynne back from the dead to make more of those shows.
Howard got back to Chyna Doll's song. He played the audio and said that she was kind of whispering it when she first started to sing. He played the Lisa Loeb song that someone said Chyna was ripping off with her song. Howard played more of Chyna Doll's song and laughed at it when she was singing certain parts of it. Howard went on to say that he got a lot of mail about that performance and people were wondering what that was all about. Howard just laughed and said he had no idea what it was about. Howard read that her ex-boyfriend was on some web site writing about how he still loves Chyna Doll and wishes that she didn't say all of those negative things about him.
Big Black called in with some audio tape of Herman Munster singing ''Dem Bones'' which was what Howard was talking about earlier. Howard had Big Black replay the song from the start so they could hear more of it. Howard thanked him for calling in with that and then got back to the e-mail about Chyna Doll. People were talking about what a mess she seemed to be on the show that day. One person wrote in and called Chyna Doll a guy and goofed on her a little bit. He read the e-mail about her stealing the song from Lisa Loeb and replayed the two songs again. Fred was doing his impression of Herman Munster as Chyna Doll which got Howard laughing a big. Robin said that they were missing something... Chyna Doll could play Herman Munster. They goofed on that whole thing for a short time.
Howard said that Richard Christy did a prank call to Jeff the Drunk using tapes of Richard Simmons. He tried to create a prank call with him but Jeff wasn't falling for it and hung up on him. The clips were great because Richard asks him not to hang up on him. There are clips of Richard apologizing and stuff like that. Jeff told him not to call him back again and hung up multiple times. Howard wondered what Jeff has to do that he doesn't have time to talk to Richard Simmons. Artie did his impression of Jeff for a minute after Howard played the tape.
Howard played Chyna Doll's song, ''Holiday,'' again and said that he might have another song contest using her lyrics. They started to pick apart each part of the song and made fun of the parts where she gets angry and loses her feminine voice for a few seconds. The guys goofed on the song for a couple of minutes and then had to go to commercial break.
Howard said that this guy Ali G is really funny. He's got an HBO show that the guys like. Artie said he didn't get it at first but now that he's seen a few episodes, he's really into it. Howard had a couple of clips from the Ali G show where he talks to a veterinarian. He asked him why there were so many sick animals in Vietnam. He was confusing the term Veteran with Veterinarian and goofing on the guy he was talking to. It was really funny. The guy just sits there in disbelief as Ali G is confusing the two words.
Howard took a phone call from Sean the White Rapper again who was prank calling him saying that Ali G rips stuff off of his show. Howard hung up on him when he said that he ripped off the White Rapper stuff.
Howard got back to the Ali G tape. Ali sees a chicken and wonders what kind of animal it is. He tells the Veterinarian that he's never seen such a thing. Howard thought that was some funny stuff. He thought KC had some other clips from the show that were funny. KC came in and told Howard that the guy does another character as a Middle Eastern guy going around campaigning for some office. KC had a little trouble explaining the clip so Howard goofed on him a little bit and played some of the Richard Christy song parodies about him being gay.
Howard played the Ali G clips that KC brought in and Ali G is doing his Middle Eastern character taking a dump in these people's house and asking them if they want to tough his balls. Gary came in and said that he heard that there's an article about these ambush shows that says they have people sign a release before they do the bit that says that the people can't do anything about it even if it's a fake thing. Gary said that they're not allowed to do anything on Howard's show and he doesn't know how these guys get away with this stuff.
Fred was playing a bunch of the Tom musical clips that they play when he walks in. They had a new one with a phony President Bush talking about 'boring Tom.' Howard then asked Tom about when he actually goes in and hits the button on the show. Tom said he's in there from 6 in the morning on. The two of them, Tom and Dave, share responsibilities hitting the button when they feel that they need to do that. Tom said he'll turn to Dave and tell him what to hit the button on when he's in the room. Dave is the one who actually hits that button.
Tom said that Artie is the one who is usually saying something that they need to hit the button on. Artie doesn't even realize what he's doing and that's why they have to hit the button. Adam Carolla was on the show last Friday and Robin knew that some of the stuff he was saying was getting censored out. Tom said that he has more freedom on his show ''Love Lines'' because it's on at night when the rules are relaxed. Howard said that whole thing is ridiculous and went on to ask Tom about the delay buttons.
Tom told Howard about the three delay machines they have and how they have used all three at one time before when certain things have been said on the air. Tom explained that each machine has a couple of dumps available on it so they have a maximum of 7 hits built up in there. They immediately start building up so they can hit them even more times if they have time. Gary asked Tom what bit came closest to having the show cut off to the point that they'd have to play music. Tom wasn't sure what it was but he's been doing that button hitting for years.
Howard heard that Tom went up to KC yesterday and told him he shouldn't wear a hat anymore at work. Gary said that he was there and it did seem that Tom was trying to make a point but he wasn't serious about it. KC came in and said that he was wearing his hat backwards and Tom told him that it was inappropriate to wear a hat indoors.
Captain Janks (CaptainJanks.tk) called in with his latest prank call to C-Span where he just yelled out ''Tom Chiusano sucks!'' Janks was dedicating the call to him. Gary remembered the two times that the show almost went to music because of the delay hits. One was when Henry Hill was on the show cursing up a storm and the other one was when Sean Lennon was on cursing. Howard ended that conversation and took another commercial break shortly after that.
Howard and the guys talked to Joe about voting and how people really can make a difference. Joe continued to talk about how there are people out there listening to Howard and reading stuff on the web and other places that can make that difference. They also talked about the problems Florida is having down there with their voting machines and they haven't even started the election
Howard played some of Howard Dean's enthusiastic campaign speech where he was yelling like a maniac. He also played the song parody that Dan the Song Parody Man created using that speech. Howard wondered if Joe knew how odd that was going to be for his campaign. Joe knew it was going to be weird but he didn't know just how bad it was going to be for his campaign until he saw it on TV. Howard still isn't sure how that speech turned into a negative thing. The guy was showing some emotion and people got upset over that. Joe and Howard both thought that Howard Dean was doing really well and even helped get the democrats on track.
Howard said he got a flyer from some nuts who are calling John Kerry a baby killer and some other stuff because he voted against a bill that would have made killing an unborn child the same as murdering a person. Howard and Joe talked about that and stem cell research for a short time as well.
A listener called in and told Howard that our stem cell research ban means that the research is being moved to other countries where it will only benefit those people. Another caller told Howard that he just registered to vote for the first time because of what Howard has been saying. Howard gave Joe a couple of plugs for his book ''The Revolution Will Not Be Televised : Democracy, the Internet, and the Overthrow of Everything'' during the interview as well.
A woman called in from Florida where some nuts burned down an abortion clinic and none of them are there to help out the kids who have no one to take care of them. Another caller said that a Clear Channel station down in Florida is talking about Howard being on their station starting tomorrow. Howard said that won't happen because Clear Channel fired him already. He's got a lawsuit going on with them as well. That led to him talking about the head of Clear Channel, Lowry Mays, and how the guy has a personal vendetta against him for some reason but he won't be intimidated by him. The caller talked about how crazy it is that Clear Channel is taking over all of these radio stations and concert venues. Howard said they also want to take over record companies as well.
Howard said that he doesn't think he will still be on the air in November so the one last blast he and his audience can give is to vote Bush out of office. He gave Joe another plug for his book and started to wrap up the segment. Gary came in and told him that Joe is diabetic and he was actually working himself so hard during Dean's campaign that he lost his sight at one point. Joe talked about that for a few seconds before Howard ended the phone call.
Artie asked Howard to explain what exactly stem cell research is for those people who don't know what it is. Howard explained what he thought it was but Robin told him he was wrong and explained what she knew about it. She said that one cell creates a human being so they can actually take one cell from a person and create a stem cell so they could eventually create body parts for people. The religious nuts out there don't want that to be done because they feel that every cell is like a living person. Robin also said that they feel that they can't get to heaven if they let others do that kind of thing. This all has nothing to do with fetuses because they can get cells from anywhere for this stem cell research according to Robin. She said that it's the nuts who think that you shouldn't be messing with life in general. Howard said that these people are religious kooks who are trying to stop this stuff.
Howard talked about how President Bush was a guy who partied really hard when he was young and as he got older, he felt like he could change the world with his religious views. Howard said he knows that he'll get a ton of e-mail about these discussions because there are people who hate when he has political talks. There are some people who like those discussions though. He said he got some mail about that and about Don Imus. He read some of the mail he got about Imus and how bad he comes off talking about this Chef Ron guy.
Eric the Midget called in and left a voice mail for Howard about how he's being used in Richard Christy's bits. He said he doesn't want to be associated with the morons in the Wack Pack. He said that using his voice is really pissing him off. He doesn't even want Howard to use his voice on air at all for any bits. He told Howard to ''knock it off'' and how it better stop. Howard thinks he does that so they'll do it more. He seems to think that Eric loves that stuff.
A listener called in and said that the stem cell research does have to do with aborted fetuses. He said that they use those aborted fetuses for the research and that's why the religious nuts are so upset by the research.
Howard wanted to move on to this Playboy Playmate who was supposed to come in. He said she seems pretty fascinating because Richard Christy has like every picture of her in his apartment. He said he also read that she doesn't like sex and admits that she just lays there when a guy is doing her. Howard said he thinks that he could be the guy who changes her views on that though. He said he'll talk more about that with her when she comes in.
A woman called in and told Howard how glad she was that he was back on the air. The woman said that she has had a couple types of cancer and tumors and she sounded like a mess. She talked about a few other problems she had and how important it is to have Howard on the air to cheer her up.
Howard wanted to bring in Playboy Playmate Cara Wakelin next. He also had Richard Christy come in quickly to talk about how he's been collecting her stuff for years. Christy said he has her magazine layouts, pictures from weird web sites and all kinds of stuff that she's posed for. He said that it's mostly her and he's got a whole folder of 350-400 pictures of just her on his computer. Robin wondered what his ritual is as far as beating off to her and stuff. Richard admitted that he will sit down in front of his computer, pick out his favorite pictures and do himself. The delay button got hit a couple of times while he was talking about that.
Howard asked Richard about what the scenario would be when he's beating off. He figures that she would be so turned on while watching him beating off to her pictures. Gary told Howard that Cara wasn't sure if this guy was serious. Gary told her that he's not the only one who does that stuff. She said she never thinks about things that way.
Cara came in a short time later. Richard hung out in the studio when she came in and talked to her in that creepy gay voice he does for the gay KC phone calls he does. Richard said that the pictures he has of her came from some special editions of Playboy and the European editions of the magazine. Howard asked him how many times he's pleasured himself to her pictures. Richard guessed it's probably between 300 and 500 times since 1999. Cara said that she was honored. Richard talked about how he drinks some beer, plays some music and pleasures himself as he's fantasizing about going out on a date with her. Howard told Richard he should just go out on the street and club a woman so he can bring her back to his apartment instead.
Howard was going to talk to Cara but Richard had more to say about his beating off. The delay button was hit a few more times so we missed out on some of the conversation. Richard was talking about some of the things he'd like to see Cara do in her layouts. Cara told the guys that Playboy asked her not to shave down too much, they wanted her to leave some hair down there. Howard asked Cara to say ''Oh Richard, you're my special man, it feels so good when I'm with you.'' He wanted to give Richard the audio so he can use it when he pleasures himself. She couldn't put any feeling into it though. She said the lines that the guys asked her to say. Richard wanted to get a hug from her before he left but Cara didn't sound very interested.
Howard got to Cara and gave her a plug for the Playboy 2005 swimsuit calendar which is the first Playboy calendar ever. She appears in the calendar along with a bunch of other Playmates. Howard said he feels that if he were to buy the calendar, he would have no chance to bang her because she wouldn't respect someone who buys a calendar like that. Cara said that Playboy is different than other calendars and she wouldn't feel that way.
Howard read that Cara is unable to have an orgasm with guys. He said that after reading about her life he figures that she doesn't enjoy being with men because her father walked out on her family and she never had a father around. Howard figured that the reason she posed nude for Playboy was her way of getting control of men. She talked about how her mother didn't want a man around the house after her father left. Cara also talked about how she has been with guys who make her feel dirty when she has sex with them because she feels that her dead grandmother is watching her and stuff like that.
Cara said that she got so bored when she had sex for the fist time that she watched ''Gilligan's Island'' while it was happening. Howard said he actually likes the fact that she's not that into sex because she's now a challenge to him. He figures if he could find the key to making her enjoy sex, he'd have it made. Cara said she thinks that every guy feels that way. Howard told her that he would go out with her for a month and not have sex with her. She heard that and said that he'd be the perfect guy if he never wanted to have sex with her. Nothing sexual excites her though so she doesn't even enjoy kissing all that much. She's not attracted to women so she's never tried being with any. She talked about how she never thinks about pleasuring herself or anything like that either.
Howard found out some stuff about how she was born as quadruplets and one of her siblings died. He thinks that the person she feels is looking down on her is the dead sibling, not her grandmother. She said she really doesn't think about that much though. Howard went on to ask Cara about the first time she had sex with a guy. She said she was 18 and it turned out to be a big disappointment. She wished that she could have kept her virginity forever after that.
Cara said she had a good relationship with one guy who was really nice to her. She ended up dumping him for a guy who turned out to be a nightmare though. She said it was almost like he was too nice to her. Howard got back to how he would date her for a month and then he'd start doing stuff with her after that. She told Howard how awful her last boyfriend was during that conversation. She also said that she's never dated any black guys in her life. Artie told her that's probably what she needs to get her off. Howard said she's not ready for any black guys after finding out she grew up in Toronto.
Howard asked Cara about oral sex and if she's any good at that. She said she hopes she is but she doesn't really enjoy it. She said it hurts her jaw and she gets dry mouth. She's never really been in love and she thinks that's part of the problem. Cara said that she has had an orgasm with a guy but she had to finish herself off. She doesn't have a vibrator but a guy has used one on her. She said she's very self conscious about her body and doesn't think that guys should see her when she's having sex. She stays under the covers and doesn't like a guy doing her from behind because she doesn't want them seeing her ass.
Cara said she has gone two years without having sex and it doesn't even bother her. She figures that would bother her husband if she ever gets married. She talked about how she has had some good sex before but it's pretty rare. Some of her boyfriends can't believe that they're not the best around. She was saying that she actually liked when her boyfriends would pass out drunk and not bother her. Artie told her that he's her ideal man because he can pass out drunk every night for her.
A caller told Howard that her problem is that she's never been in love. Another caller asked her if she's been spanked because he knows a lot of Catholic chicks enjoy that. She said that's never happened but she likes when a guy brushes her hair. Howard said that would be a gay though. A few more callers said they think they could get her to come around if they went out on a date with her.
Howard was ready to wrap up the interview and told Cara that she'd be a great challenge to him. He was shown some of her nude pictures and she told him that her boobs were real. Howard said there is no way they are real. Howard wanted to feel them but she didn't want to show them to him or anything like that. She offered to get up and jump up and down. She did that and Howard still thought they were implants. She went over to Howard after he asked about feeling them. She actually let him touch them because she wanted to prove that they're real. He felt them and said he wasn't able to tell because she had too much clothing on. Artie went over to give a second opinion. He felt her up and said that the left one was real and the right one was not. Gary insisted that they looked fake to him. He said they were shiny and didn't look like they could be real. After all of that Howard said ''We're all going to hell...''
Cara felt nothing sexual about the feeling up she was getting. She was just trying to prove a point. Howard took a call from a woman who Cara knew and she said that Cara's boobs are real. Robin told Howard that it sounds like Cara needs a lot of therapy to get over this dislike of men. Cara said that guys tell her that she's very ''cold'' but she gets along with them better than women. It's the sexual stuff that doesn't work for her.
Gary told Howard that Cara and her family lived in a car for a couple of weeks. Cara said it was actually a mini-van and they had a dog in there with them as well. She would take her two garbage bags full of clothing to friend's homes once in a while so she wouldn't have to stay in the van. Her mother had to support herself and three kids so she had a hard time paying for all of that. She said when they slept in the van they would open the doors up and let the air flow through.
Howard gave Cara another plug for the calendar she's in. Cara got in a plug for the web site where you can purchase the calendar which is at JFTurner.com. You get a free DVD along with the calendar according to Cara. Howard wrapped up after that and went to commercial.
Howard said they have an intern beauty pageant coming soon and one of the interns is the sister of his daughter's best friend. She doesn't want to be in the pageant though and Howard is kind of glad about that. Joanna came in a short time later and said she's been having a good time there working with them. She's been having fun and everyone has been very good to her. Howard was against having her there at the station as an intern because he wasn't sure he wanted to mix those two worlds. His daughter asked him for the internship and he couldn't say no to her.
Joanna said she would feel weird being in any beauty pageant, not just Howard's. Howard felt better when he heard that. The guys asked her if Mike Gange had hit on her. She said no one had hit on her back there so the guys figured the word had gotten out that they shouldn't mess with her. Joanna also said she doesn't mix business with pleasure. Gary said that the grand prize in the pageant is a $15,000 motorcycle which is the biggest prize ever for the pageant.
Howard talked about how much he'd do anything for his daughter Debra. He's having a tough time with the fact that she's going to be going away to college. He said his older daughter, Emily, thought that he was going to have people watching over her when she went away to college. He said he would never do anything like that and laughed as he said it.
Joanna said that her father has 3 daughters just like Howard does and he doesn't like to think about his kids being with guys like Howard doesn't like it. Howard told a story one time about how someone came up to him and his daughter and asked how long they'd been dating. He had to tell the people that it was his daughter. He thought that was kind of creepy.
Howard was glad that Joanna wasn't going to be in the intern beauty pageant because she was in too tight with the family. He said they could go ahead with the pageant now that he knows that. Joanna spent a couple of minutes telling Howard about what she's been doing this summer when she's not interning at the show. Robin was also complaining about how she doesn't get to see Howard's kids that much these days but it's not her fault. She just doesn't know who to call to set something up since Howard got his divorce.
Howard had Robin start her news a short time later. She started off with a story about the new M. Night Shyamalan movie ''The Village.'' Howard and the crew saw the movie yesterday so Howard said he liked it and so did Robin. Howard suggested that people not read the reviews of the movie because they all give away the ending. Robin continued on with a few other news stories after that.
A listener called in and asked Howard about a show on ESPN where they kind of ripped off the Stump the Booey idea with a game called Stump the Schwab. Howard talked about how he innovates a lot of stuff and people borrow from that all the time but he can never get anything from them once they steal from him anyway. Artie told Howard that it's a sports trivia game anyway so it's not really like Stump the Booey.
A woman called in during the news and told Howard that she's in a wheelchair and she's going to go downtown this August to get people to register to vote. She said that the chemotherapy she had put her in the chair and she wants people to vote for Kerry so stem cell research won't be banned. Howard ended up asking the woman about what she was wearing and if she shaves herself down below. She laughed when she heard about that and said that she is able to shave herself so she keeps it fully shaved. She also said that she is able to have feeling down there. Robin asked her if she has a man. She said she has a caretaker, not a boyfriend, but he helps her get in and out of her chair and has to help wipe her sometimes. She then told Howard that she's 59 years old and has some bladder control problems. Howard wondered if he could photograph her and put out a calendar of her. She said that's not why she called in. She just wants people to vote for Kerry.
Howard told the caller that he wants to put out a video of her called Quadriplegics Gone Wild. He continued to ask her questions about her personal life but he had to get out of there to get to a meeting. He let the woman go but Artie couldn't get off the subject and said there's no amount of money that would get him to wipe her. Howard said he feels bad for her though. Artie said that he would throw her in a lake if he had to clean her ass. Howard had Robin get back to her news after goofing around with that stuff for a couple of minutes.
Howard started off the show saying that it was going to be a big morning with the Porn Star Olympics coming up. They had the olympic theme song playing with a bunch of sex sounds thrown in for the olympics. Howard then played Richard Christy's phony George Takei interview that he's been playing over the past week or so. Howard and Artie love that interview because of the way the word ''wang'' was edited into it.
Howard got right into the Porn Star Olympics. He said that the winner of the games will win $10,000 and no one knows what they have to do to win that money. Gary told Howard that they needed just another minute to get the girls ready to come in. They'd just shown up at the studio so they weren't quite prepared to come in. The Porn Star Olympics were being brought to us by the Showgirls VIP Limited Edition DVD. Howard said that the girls performing today are Victoria Givens, Selena Silver and Layla Jade.
The girls all came in so Howard spoke to each of them for a short time. Layla has been in porn for over 6 years and has done over 400 films. Howard read that she'd worked at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch as a whore but she said that didn't happen yet and she's not sure she actually will do it. She knows the owner, Dennis, and he's a good guy but she doesn't know if she wants to do the prostitution thing. Howard read some other notes about her that he had and then moved on to the next girl.
Victoria Givens has only been in the business for about 3 years. She's 5'2'' tall and loves to have her feet rubbed during sex. The delay button was hit shortly after that. Howard said she said something about getting fully aroused during sex if her feet are rubbed. The delay button was hit a couple more times during Howard's discussion with Victoria. Gary got into his welder's mask during that discussion as well so his face would not distract from the hot chicks in the room for the E! show.
Howard moved on to Selena Silver who has been in the business for 18 months and has made 60 films. Howard thought that was high but Selena said it's actually low and some women do 200 movies in that amount of time. She says that she's picky about the movies she does and she doesn't work with any companies that she doesn't want to. Howard read that she's married and the two of them are swingers. They'll both go out and find a woman and take her home if they can. She claims that she had sex under water one time while wearing SCUBA gear. She has an Australian accent so Robin asked her about that. She said she was originally from Sydney Australia. She's 24 years old and she's living in L.A. She's been married for 2 years. Howard likes that she gets to have sex with other people even though she's married. That will probably help their marriage last longer.
Howard told the girls about the money they were going to have the chance of winning. He said that one of them will have been beheaded by the end of the games. He was joking of course. He then went on to tell the girls that they will drink a bottle of water every 15 minutes. The girl who goes to the bathroom last wins the $10,000. Howard wanted to know if Layla was in. She said she had to consult with her girls. They had a plastic pool in the studio and that's where they would be going to pee. Layla wasn't sure she wanted to do that. Victoria also said she wasn't sure she wanted to participate in this event. None of the girls seemed all that interested in doing this. Victoria said she was going to pass on the whole game.
Gary came out from under his welder's mask and tried to talk the girls into participating. He said that the $10,000 was more money than they could make doing just one movie. Howard wondered what the beef was. Selena said that she was going to pass on the game as well so Howard wondered what was so odd about this game. The girls said that peeing is a private thing that they don't want to show. Howard and Gary were very surprised at all of this because Victoria has done an anal gang bang movie. Howard was really shocked that they weren't going to do this for $10,000. Gary was told that they had adult diapers if the girls wanted to go in them instead of the pool. Victoria and Selena said that was out for them as well.
There were a few more delay hits when Howard started to take some phone calls. One guy told Howard about that so Howard warned the girls not to say ''pee'' anymore and to just say ''go to the bathroom.'' The callers were telling the girls they were nuts for not doing this for $10,000. Gary asked Layla how much she can make doing a porn movie. She said she would make about $1000 for three hours worth of work on a movie. Meanwhile, they could make $10,000 just for holding in their pee.
Howard was having a problem with the fact that his show was being censored over the word ''pee.'' He tried to talk to the girls by having them say ''go to the bathroom.'' One of the girls offered to do the contest if someone else got in on it with them. Gary said he would do it but he wanted a chance at the $10,000. Layla had taken off her top at this point so Howard said that she looked great. Layla and Victoria were in at this point but Selena was still out. Howard said he never anticipated the game going this way. Everyone drank their first bottle of water shortly after that. They would be drinking another one in another 15 minutes.
Victoria had taken her top off at that time so Selena also agreed to do the same thing even though she wasn't in the game. Howard told the girls, and Gary, that they'd see them in another 15 minutes. He gave another plug to the sponsor, Showgirls (VIP Limited Edition) DVD and asked the girls if they had anything to plug. The girls said they were there to plug X-Con 2 and you can find out more about that at XXX-Con.com. They went to commercial break after that.
Selena came back in and said that she could join in on the games if she wanted to. Layla was drinking even more water during the break and Howard wondered what she was doing. She was dehydrated from her flight out to New York and she needed the water. Gary said he also drank a bottle of water as he was driving into work this morning so he's loaded up as well. Howard said that the last person standing after drinking a bottle of water every 15 minutes would win $10,000.
Howard told everyone to take their next bottle of water and start drinking it around 6:50 this morning. A listener called in and told Howard that they may not be able to tell when Gary goes pee in the diaper. Howard said he has seen him do it in the past and there's no missing it. He then went around to each of the other contestants and asked them how they were doing. The girls said that Gary will be out before they are. Gary said they may be right because he was already full from drinking those two bottles of water.
Howard said that as soon as the girls feel that they have to pee, they have to raise their hand and come running into the studio. He let them go out to the green room after that. They would be coming back in 15 minutes to drink another bottle of water. Howard was liking this whole game even though he didn't think he would.
Tom Chiusano was upset that this wasn't the game they described to him. Howard said he had to tell Tom that they weren't going to describe what the girls looked like as they were peeing. That calmed Tom down a little bit but it sounds like it was a nightmare. Howard remembered going to camp as a kid and how they had to stop every few minutes to let the girls pee because they didn't seem to have any bladder control.
Howard wondered how Gary didn't know whether or not he went pee before coming to work this morning. He doesn't know how you don't know something like that. Howard and the rest of the guys picked the people they thought were going to win the contest. They each put up $100 and the winner was going to take the whole thing.
Howard moved on to take a phone call after that. The caller asked Howard how Gary could be part of this contest when Crazy Cabbie wasn't able to win the $10,000 he was supposed to win when he played a game on air. Tom Chiusano came in and said that he's not sure that Gary can win the money because it's something similar to what happened with Cabbie. They discussed the rules and tried to figure out whether or not he could legitimately win the money. Gary came in and said that the money was never meant for the audience, it was a contest that they set up internally just for the porn stars so he should be allowed to compete. Tom said he would look into it later and let them know about it.
Gary said that he was going to have a tough time staying motivated if he didn't have a chance to win the money. He was feeling good at this point but Howard told him to bring the girls back in so they could drink their next bottle of water. While they were waiting the phone caller gave Howard his theory on what happened with the President and Vice President on 9/11. Howard had to bail out on the call because he didn't want to get into that at this point.
Howard had the girls back in the studio so he talked to each one of them about how they were feeling. He then had them down another bottle. Robin thought that Gary should have sipped it down instead of gulping the way he was. Howard said they had to get it down somehow and that's the way Gary wanted to do it. He gave the girls a couple of plugs for their web sites
Selena was feeling pretty good and she could feel the water working it's way down slowly. The girls and Gary all drank down their fourth bottle of water. Howard then told the girls that he was going to tickle each of the girls and Gary. The E! guys brought in the Tickle Chair so the girls could see what they were in for. Howard then had Victoria get into the tickle chair so he could tickle her. He went over to the chair and asked Victoria if she was ticklish. She wasn't sure she wanted to say because that might influence the way Howard goes at her. Howard then tried to tickle Victoria. She wasn't ticklish though and just sat there as he tried to tickle her. Howard was kind of glad because he had money on her to win.
Layla was up next and she claimed that she wasn't ticklish. Howard talked to her about banging women and stuff. She said she was just with a woman last night so Howard talked to her about that for a minute and then attempted to tickle her. He got no reaction from her at all.
Selena said that she's actually ticklish. Howard had her strapped into the tickle chair and went ahead and tickled her. She started to laugh so he continued to tickle her. She kept laughing but didn't have to pee like Howard was hoping she would. Gary had run out of the studio to get some headphones. He came back in and said he was feeling very ticklish this morning and he was afraid of what might happen.
Howard asked the girls to tickle Gary instead of doing it himself. He felt weird about doing that. Gary wasn't sure he wanted the girls to do it to him either. He tried to hold in the laughs but he did let out some odd sounds as they were tickling him. He was grunting and sort of laughing but kept most of it in. Artie said he looked like King Kong or something. Howard went over and got in some tickles himself. Gary said he felt really gay after that. Howard and Artie said that it might have been the gayest moment on the show ever.
Howard told the contestants that it was time to drink their 5th bottle of water. Gary said that he was feeling kind of weird after the tickling thing. They talked about how weird Gary looked while he was being tickled. He put his knees together and lifted them up in a way that made him look really gay according to Artie. They watched a video replay and Howard said it would never make the air.
Howard had everyone drink their fifth bottle of water and gave them a time limit of 1 minute. They had to down the water quickly so they'd all be even in the contest. Everyone was feeling good at that point and the girls had checked Gary's diaper to make sure he hadn't peed yet. Howard told them that they would know because it does show when the diaper is full. They had to take another break after that.
Howard replayed a ''Snake and the Bruiser'' bit that KC did with Wood Yi. He'd originally played the bit on Tuesday so here's what I wrote that day:
Howard got back to the tape of ''Snake and The Brusier'' who spoke to this woman Ginny Bavona who wrote a book about ghosts. You can find out more about the book at HauntedEncounters.com. KC is the straight man in the team and Wood Yi says goofy stuff to the woman as she's trying to tell a ghost story. He was asking the 73 year old woman about sexual stuff and it seemed to piss her off quite a bit. She told Bruiser to shut up at least once. Wood Yi kept saying stuff to her as she was telling this story but she just ignored him. Artie thought it was pretty funny because Wood Yi was just cursing and telling her to suck him and stuff like that. She eventually hung up on them. Howard said she was a good sport about it and let them put it on the air.
After playing the bit Howard and Artie were still laughing at the bit. Howard said they'd be getting back to the Porn Star Olympics shortly. He went on to talk about how a lot of people liked the speech that John Kerry gave but the NY Post didn't. Howard sarcastically said that he was surprised that the Post didn't like it. That led to Howard talking about politics for a short time. He took some phone calls after that and said that Beetlejuice would be coming in soon. Robin said she walked past him earlier and he said something to her about having nice pepperoni. She wasn't sure what that meant to him but he later used the T-word for her breasts.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard that a promo they played earlier where Grandpa Al Lewis was talking about F- the FCC got bleeped. Howard said that Infinity wants him to sign on with them again at the end of his current contract but there's no way he can stay there with things going the way they're going. He said he's not interested in staying there and working in those conditions.
Howard was interrupted when Gary brought in the porn stars because one had to go pee. It turned out to be Victoria who had to pee. She said she had a bone to pick about the whole thing. She said that Gary has been in and out of the room without supervision and they're thinking that he might have peed. Victoria went over and felt the diaper to make sure he hadn't peed. She felt the outside and it had vinyl on it. Gary said he'd take the diaper off and let them inspect it if they wanted. Victoria wanted to wait for that to happen before she went pee herself.
The girls got to talk about this XXX-Con thing again for a couple of minutes while Gary took his diaper off in the other room. He came back a minute later and the girls sniffed and felt the diaper. They said it was wet but it wasn't yellow so it wasn't pee. It was time for a sixth bottle of water but Victoria backed out and said she had to go pee. Howard was shocked that she had to go so early. She wasn't able to go in the tub they had in the studio so they let her use the bathroom. Selena, Gary and Layla all drank their next bottle of water. This was number six and Howard was amazed that they didn't have to pee yet. They were all holding out so far but Gary said he had to go. He was able to hold it in for the time being.
Howard was out $200 because his money was on Victoria. The guys agreed that they thought Gary would be the next one out. Howard took a phone call after that and asked Howard if he'll come to Pittsburgh once he's number one there. He told the guy he will be there when that happens. He went on to talk about this meeting he had with Joel Hollender who is in charge of the radio division. He said that if President Bush signs this indecency bill, he has to get out of radio because it will cost HIM money, not just the company. He said that he's amazed that he's back on in Pittsburgh and some of the other markets he's on in now...
Howard got cut off again when the porn stars came back in for another update. Gary was still in the contest but Layla said she may have to bow out of the contest. She said she could keep holding it but her stomach hurts from all of the water she's been drinking. Robin asked her to stay in it because she has $200 on her to win. She backed out officially a short time later. Gary and Selena were the only two left in the contest.
It was time for another bottle of water at this point so Gary and Selena had to down yet another bottle. Howard pointed out that Artie had won the money that they all bet because no one had bet on Selena. Gary lasted the longest out of the bunch so Artie gets the money. Howard went on to talk to Selena about why she got into the business because she's a very attractive woman. She said that she was swinging with her husband already so she figured she'd make some money doing that stuff.
Howard let Gary and Selena go back out to the green room but he was afraid to go to commercial because he figured one of them would break soon. He took some phone calls after that. One guy brought up the HowardStern.com bulletin board. Howard said that they're still trying to work out problems with the board and he was having trouble getting on it himself. He's got a meeting happening next week and they'll try to figure out what's going on with it.
Howard was interrupted once again when Gary and Selena came back in the studio. Gary said he was done so Selena won the contest. Howard awarded her the $10,000 grand prize and a gold medal they had made up for the contest. He gave her a couple of plugs for some stuff including her web site SelenaSilver.com. Howard also thanked all of the other girls for participating in the contest. Robin was still laughing thinking about the look on Gary's face when he came in earlier. Gary came back in a short time later and was amazed that Selena still didn't have to go pee. Selena said she could drink another bottle if she had to. The guys had her do that and she chugged it down within a few seconds. Gary knew that he couldn't outlast her in this contest after seeing that.
Howard still had the caller from the bulletin board. The guy told Howard how great it is and thanked him for everything he's posted on there. Howard told him that the board is still an experiment in the works so just hang in there if you haven't been able to log on yet. He went to commercial break shortly after that.
Howard said he didn't think that Metallica ever worried about their image over the years but they had to have thought that there could be a down side to this movie. Hetfield said they get into trouble if they think about things too much so they just went ahead and did it. He said that he wants people to get to know him better and this was a good way to do it. He said he's had trouble connecting to people in his life and he wanted to let some more people in and this has done it. Robin and Howard agreed that he was kind of a mysterious guy and Howard feels that he does know him a little better now.
Hetfield said that they knew that they had the final say in what was put in the movie but they really didn't take anything out. They let the guys who made the film do their thing. They were just the subject matter and they let the guys do what they wanted. There are scenes of them crying and scenes where James is slamming doors after getting pissed off.
Howard asked James how he's doing not drinking. He said he's hanging in there but it's a tough struggle. Howard said he felt like he was having a lot of problems with his family and that's why he had to straighten up. James said his wife actually threw him out of his house and that's when he knew he had to stop drinking. He was screwing up the things he really needed in his life. Howard told Robin that James was raised by his brother because his parents split up and then his mother died. He said that everyone he loved would leave him and that's why he closed up so much in his life.
James told Howard about how he was the kid who just went home and listened to music alone instead of hanging out with friends. He would play air guitar for a while but then he started playing the real guitar. His mother actually bought him his first guitar. His mother was into opera and his brothers were in rock bands so he always had instruments around the house to play with. James said that he never really heard from his father after his mother died. He tried to get back into their lives but he was really pissed off and didn't want anything to do with him. He said his father had a mid-life crisis and took off and that's what James didn't want to do to his own family.
James said that he enjoys being sober. Howard told Artie that he should think about that but Artie jokingly said that it seems like he's just become a pussy. They laughed about that and James said that he's still got a lot of anger inside of him. He's trying to work through all of that but his creative juices are still flowing and they're enjoying being on the road right now. Howard told James that the best show he saw them do was with a huge orchestra. He said it was the best concert he'd ever seen.
Howard asked James about being raised as a Christian Scientist and if he still believes in that stuff. James said he does believe in parts of it but not completely. They spent a minute on that before Howard asked James about the most angry thing he'd read about him. He said that James once poured hot oil on his sister. He said that's not exactly what happened. He scared his sister and she accidentally poured the hot oil on herself.
Howard said that James must have had a ton of poon tang when he was drinking. James said that was part of his life and it was filling a hole in him. He said that he was trying to find the next best thing but it would just never happen. He somehow found his wife and soul mate and they became friends over time because she was working for the band with wardrobe and stuff for a long time. She has stuck with him through a lot of horrible stuff too. James said he took it slow because he didn't want to screw things up with her. She's the opposite of his mother who was kind of co-dependant to him. He liked that she didn't rely on him for stuff.
Howard gave James a plug for the movie they have out. They have a web site where you can find out more about the movie... SomeKindOfMonster.com
Captain Janks called in and asked James if the song ''King Nothing'' was written about Howard after he did the MTV awards with them. James just laughed when he was asked about that. Howard actually apologized to James for that because he was dressed as Fartman with his ass hanging out while they were accepting an award. James said he didn't have to apologize for that and he understood what he was doing back then. It was something that Howard had to do.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) asked James about the intense ringing he has in his ears that's been slowly driving him nuts. He has tinnitus and it was aggravated last night when he went to see Judas Priest and Black Sabbath performing. He said he wears ear plugs in concert but you just can't wear them when you go to see Priest perform. One guy called in and told James that he's a big fag. James said they get some of that sometimes and he didn't seem too upset over the call.
A caller asked James if he and Lars ever get into fights and stuff. James said he has slugged him a few times and he goes down pretty quick. He doesn't deal with pain very well. Howard and Robin thought that was pretty funny so James told them more about the first time he punched Lars. He said they'd agreed to do a song if they ever did an encore and Lars started off a song that they hadn't rehearsed. After the song he turned and punched Lars. He said they have a lot of arguments about stuff that goes on with the band. They don't hang out a lot but they do go out once in a while. They're like brothers because they love each other and hate each other.
Robin asked him if Lars is a cheap guy because Steve O mentioned something the other day about him splitting a dinner bill one night. James said that he certainly spends the band's money well so he doesn't think he's cheap. James talked about how he has shared a woman with Lars and that it may have had to do with the power struggle in the band. Howard gave James another plug for the movie and let James go shortly after that. James thanked them for having him on with them.
Howard played some of Metallica's ''Wherever I May Roam'' as he wrapped up the segment. He said those guys are good and that song is great. Robin was shocked that he actually showed up for an interview. Howard talked about the MTV Awards show he did with them and how he wasn't even sure who the band was going to be because he was so worried about being lowered down on the wires he was connected to. He didn't realize that it was going to be such a serious moment for the band that year (1992).
Gary came in and said that he has to keep running to the bathroom to get all of the water out of him that he'd been drinking earlier. He's gone about 8 times since the contest ended. Howard talked about the bets they had on the contestants in the Porn Star Olympics. Howard said that they were betting on who would WIN the contest, not who would last the longest. Artie would win if they'd bet on who lasted the longest. Howard said that Gary didn't win so Artie didn't really win the bet. No one bet on Selena so no one should have won. Artie told the guys that he didn't want the money after hearing that. Howard said he does want the money and he was going to give it to him anyway. He had to take another break so he could get to Beetlejuice next.
Beetlejuice talked about his personal trainer and how he has him eating about 400 pounds of chicken. He's been getting bigger and showed off his arm to Robin. Robin wondered if this was his ''big announcement.'' Howard said that it wasn't but Beetle thought it was. Howard wanted Beet to talk about the real announcement but he had no idea what it was. Beet mumbled some nonsense so Howard helped him out and said that their DVD ''Beetle Uncensored'' is available in retail stores now instead of just on his web site JollyDwarf.com. Howard said they're going to be available in Coconuts, Newbury Comics and Virgin Megastores.
Howard said this is a big step business wise for Beetle because anyone can get the DVD easily. Beetlejuice was telling Robin about his son that he had 3 years ago. He said he's working in a store right now... and he's only 3 years old.
Howard had Mike Walker on the line to play his weekly Gossip Game. He gave mike a couple of plugs for his radio show and then got right into the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Robin and Fred picked story 1 as the false one. Artie and Howard went with story 4 while Beetlejuice was sticking with story 3. Beetlejuice ended up winning that game when it turned out his story was the phony one. Howard let Mike go after that and took a phone call for Beetle. The caller asked Beet if his mother and sister were in his DVD. He told the guy to leave them out of this because they had nothing to do with it. He continued to ramble for a few more minutes about some stuff before Howard changed subjects.
Howard heard that Beetlejuice was up in Boston doing an appearance and ended up walking out of his hotel room and got lost. They were looking for him for 2 days up there. They actually had an Amber Alert for him up there. KC came in to tell Howard about what went on up there but Beetle would not stop talking. KC said he gets in these moods sometimes and one time he was in an airport with him and this is just what he was like. KC was stuck with him for 6 or 7 hours with him yelling like that.
Howard wondered how Beetlejuice found his way home from Boston. Beetlejuice said that he just told a guy to take him home and he'd better find the place. The guys were asking him how he did it and Beetlejuice was just making stuff up as he went along. Howard had to cut him off and give him a plug for the DVD again. He also let a phone caller get him all revved up over nothing. The guy told him that he never did ''that thing'' for him. Beetlejuice went off on the guy for a minute and managed to get the delay hit on him. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said they love Beetlejuice and would love to hear him every week.
KC said that Beetlejuice sometimes disappears for days from his manager's house. He climbs over a fence and just wanders off for a day or so. He always comes back on his own though. Howard gave Beet another plug for his DVD and then took a commercial break before getting to Robin's news.
Howard read some mail about his bulletin board. People are complaining that they just can't log on even though they've been registered for a long time now. Howard said they're still working on that stuff and they hope to have it fixed soon. Someone also wrote in about how creepy Richard Christy was talking about that Playboy chick Cara Wakelin. Richard put together a bit using the lines she was asked to say during her interview yesterday where he's beating off to her. Howard played that and moved on to some other e-mail.
Howard read some mail from people who corrected Howard and Robin on some of the stuff they've been talking about lately. They were corrected about the stem cell research they were talking about. One guy wrote in and said that he's basically dead if the stem cell research isn't allowed. The guy has a hot girlfriend so Howard is going to allow him to come on the show to discuss the stem cell stuff. There were some other e-mails from people explaining the stem cell thing and how Bush and his religious nut friends are trying to stop it because they look at it as being like abortion. Howard showed some pictures of the hot girlfriend of the guy who wrote in about the stem cell stuff. He said she's really hot.
There were some e-mails about Chef Ron who is fighting Don Imus and his wife over the cook book they put out. A couple of people claiming to be former chefs of the Imus ranch wrote in and applauded Chef Ron for putting up a fight against Imus.
Howard read one email he got from a woman who wrote to the band Los Lonely Boys who are appearing in New York City at a Clear Channel venue. She wrote to the band and told them that she will not give any money to Clear Channel because she is a Howard Stern fan. Howard read her letter to the band which she had CC'd to him.
A caller asked Howard why he doesn't syndicate his show to satellite so everyone could get it around the country. Howard told him that is a possibility and he could do that. He said he's looking into a lot of stuff right now.
Howard had Robin start her news and they played the ''How's Your News'' theme song which was appropriate because she read a story about them doing interviews up at the Democratic National Convention. She read that they have done interviews with a lot of people there and it will be made into a special for the Trio channel. Robin told Howard that they'll also be in New York for the Republican National Convention. She said that maybe they can get them on the show then.
Another caller, who is a quadriplegic, brought up the stem cell research subject and got Howard talking about that for a couple more minutes. He talked about how sad he feels for the guy because stem cell research could eventually lead to helping people like him. The caller said that maybe this will change people's minds about their votes. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to the guy about his disability. He asked him about getting laid and how that all works. The guy said he takes a shot to get it up and he can have a woman sit on his lap.
Robin got back to her news and whipped through a bunch of stories. Artie got in a plug for the appearance he's making at the Hampton Beach Casino up in New Hampshire with the great Robert Schimmel tonight. He said that they're actually doing a few shows together. Artie will be opening up for Schimmel. There are still a few tickets available for the show according to Artie.
Ralph called in during the news and brought up John Kerry's speech making abilities and said that he thinks his campaign is in trouble because he's not a good speaker. Howard only spent a minute on that before hanging up on him. After going through a few more news stories, Sal the Stockbroker was on the line to complain about Ralph's call because it doesn't matter how Kerry speaks because it's his actions that matter. Howard only spent another minute on that before hanging up on Sal. He ended the show a few minutes later when Robin was done with her news around 10:45.