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Howard started off the morning talking about the big F-Emmy awards that they were going to be starting today. He said they have some incredible performances planned for this week. Robin asked if it'll be better than the American Music Awards. Howard said he didn't see much of that award show but he did have some clips of Anna Nicole from the show. She sounded like she was high to Howard but he said he's not sure about that. He said that they had to cut her off because she was rambling a bit and not making a whole lot of sense. Howard said it's very weird because she's got her arms raised and she's acting very strange during the introduction. Howard also had a clip of Nicolette Sherridan coming out. He said she looks like she had a lot of bad plastic surgery and they've managed to turn her into a man. Gary said he's seen her on ''Desperate Housewives'' and he thought they were making her up to look like that for the show but that's really what she looks like. Artie said he saw her at a party years ago at a party out in L.A. and she had a great ass back then. Howard wondered if Artie would use his tongue on that ass back then. Artie said that he probably would because it was a world class ass... 9 years ago.
Howard said he knows that Artie would die to be able to sit next to Willie Randolph. Artie said he's one of his favorite players of all time. Howard talked about how they put celebrities up on the big screen there at the Garden so he hoped that they'd put him up there to impress his daughter. Last time he was there, they did that. This time the camera guy came over and asked Willie Randolph if he wanted to be on the camera after pushing Howard out of the way. Willie agreed to let them do it and when they did, the crowd went nuts and gave him a standing ovation. Howard was clapping even though he still had no idea what it is he's known for. Willie leaned down and asked Howard's daughter if she's a fan of the Mets or Yankees. Howard said he told Willie that they're fans of his.
After the game Howard said he and his daughter got in their car and talked a little more about Willie. They still had no idea what he was famous for though. Gary came in and told Howard that Willie has been in the news a lot recently but Howard doesn't read the sports page. Gary told Howard that he's the manager for the Mets now but up until today he really had no idea who he was. The guy has tried to get a manager job for a long time but the Mets were the first team to take a chance on him. Willie is known as a great guy and Howard thought he was really nice when he met him. Artie told Howard a story about going to a Yankee game back in about 1981 and how his cousin was hit in the face with a ball. Willie was really nice to him back then and that's what the guy is known for. Howard said he didn't even know that Willie was a Yankee player. Howard wanted to keep this under wraps until this morning so he could try and figure out who the guy was.
Howard said he had a good time at that Knicks game even though there weren't a lot of big celebrities there that night. Gary told Howard they don't draw a lot of big names to games like that because the other team wasn't all that good. Howard had to take a break but he got in a plug for the upcoming ''Porn Factor'' game they were going to be playing with Tera Patrick, Briana Banks, Savanna Samson and Mercedes. They were going to be playing a game where the girls had to catch a meatball in their ass. Artie interrupted Howard and said that he saw Kobe Bryant getting booed at the American Music Awards last night. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about how people are pissed that he chased Shaq off the Lakers and that's why he was getting booed, not because of his rape charges. Howard had to go to break shortly after that.
Howard took a phone call from Bong Hit Bill who told Howard that Ol' Dirty Bastard died over the weekend. Howard said they pulled a bunch of clips from when he's appeared on his show over the years. Howard and Robin talked about some of the stuff that O.D.B. Has done over the years. Howard then played some of the clips they had of O.D.B. doing weird things at press conferences and stuff like that. The guy has given them a bunch of great quotes that they've played on the show. They use his ''Nigga please'' clip quite often. That's one of the clips that Howard played while doing this tribute to O.D.B. Howard and the guys got some laughs out of the press conference tape Howard was playing. Howard said the guy was funny and he'll be missed. Robin said the guy died the day before his 36th birthday. Howard had Fred give them a 21 gun salute using O.D.B.'s ''Nigga Please'' audio clip. Fred played the clip a bunch of times and then played Taps and gave him a moment of silence.
Howard said there was some other news because Star Jones walked down the aisle over the weekend. They had an audio clip of what that might have sounded like. It was a Godzilla-like sound with heavy footsteps followed by the roaring monster. People magazine had pictures from the wedding so the guys goofed on that for a short time.
Howard is going to be appearing on ''The Late Show with David Letterman'' on Thursday so they've been promoting that over the weekend. Howard said he wants to talk about the Sirius satellite thing with Dave. He's got his own portable Sirius unit that he was playing with over the weekend. He wants to go on a show where he can talk about that stuff without being held back like he is on his show. Howard said he's also going to be doing some other things that are very charitable when Thursday rolls around. He said he'll talk about that stuff when Thursday rolls around.
Howard said that Diana Ross looked pretty good on the American Music Awards over the weekend. He said her hair looks like she stuck her finger in a socket but she looked pretty good otherwise. Howard took a call from Debbie Schlussel who told Howard about a college football player who used the F-word on TV. Howard said that he used it a couple of times from what he heard. He was going to play a clip of it but he wasn't able to locate the tape right away. Howard said that there was no delay on the show and NBC let the word out. They apologized for the word slipping out but Howard doesn't think that the FCC is going to react to that and fine them like they should. Howard said that they can't just crack down on CBS for the Janet Jackson thing without going after other companies when they let things like that go through. Howard played the clip and said it's no big deal that the word is used but people are going to flip out because of it. ABC aired the movie ''Saving Private Ryan'' last week and some affiliates were afraid to air it because of the cursing. All of the religious kooks have written the FCC about that stuff so they're going to have to fine them because they can't pick and choose who they fine. They're very inconsistent with their fines so that's what Howard was trying to point out.
Howard talked a little more about his upcoming appearance on Letterman this week and what he'll be talking about. He can't bring that stuff up on his own show so he has to talk about it somewhere else. He went to break right after that.
Howard started the big F-Emmy Awards after that. Fred played an introduction for the 33rd Annual F-Emmy Awards. Howard then played the ''We Are The Wack Pack'' song parody that they put together recently to open up the award show. It features people like Wendy the Retard, High Pitch Erik, Jeff the Drunk, Daniel Carver, Fred the Elephant Boy, Nicole Bass and Beetlejuice singing a parody to the tune of ''We are the World.'' After that Colin Quinn and Nicole Bass introduced the first award in a pre-taped bit. Howard announced the ''Grossest Moment of the Year'' after that. The nominees included the following:
Howard wanted to talk to Briana Banks first. He played a clip from one of her porn movies where she was getting banged and read that she had to endure 8 hours of anal one time and that was the worst moment of her porn career. Briana said that she had to drop out of the business at the time because of what happened to her. She dropped out for a couple of months and then came back as Briana. She said that she enjoys rough sex and getting spit on by guys. She's bi-sexual and she was so nervous when she worked with Jenna Jameson that she puked on Jenna's feet. She said that broke the ice between them and they're still good friends to this day. Howard read that Briana left home when she was 14 and she took her sister with her. While all of that was being discussed Artie was doing his crying ''Wah, wah'' bit.
Howard talked to Mercedes a little bit after that. She said that she's going to be working at Al's Diamond Cabaret in Philadelphia. She didn't know that the place is all nude though. After that Howard broke the news to the girls about this Porn Factor porn olympics that he had for them to compete in. He said that he would give the winner a $5,000 prize. He had to eliminate one girl in the first round and told them that they have to take a sausage and take in as much of it as they can. A couple of the girls said that they'd be able to take it in so Howard had them start. Mercedes was able to take in 3 1/4 inches of the sausage. Briana was up next. She took in a full 6 inches! The guys were impressed. Next up was Tera who took in 4 1/4 inches. Savanna took in 5 inches so she managed to stay in the competition. Mercedes was the first one eliminated. Howard gave hear plug for her web site MercedezXXX.com. She tried to take that sausage in again before she left but was still only able to take in just over inches. She said she's going to practice at home to try and get better at it.
Howard said that the next competition is for the girls to get bolted into the Tickle Post, a new thing they had in the studio. Tera was the first one to be bolted into the chair. The girls had to try not to laugh as they got tickled. They chained Tera in and Howard went over to tickle her a short time later. Howard told her that she'd be eliminated if she laughed out loud in any way. Howard tickled her and she did end up making a noise within 15 seconds. She eventually squealed out when Howard was tickling her after her time was up. Next to be locked in the Tickle Post was Savanna. She said she's never been tickled in all of the times she's been in there. After she was chained into the post, Howard went in and tickled her. Savanna told Howard that she was not wearing a bra today so he said he'd have to be careful while tickling her. Savanna didn't laugh and just stood there as Howard tickled her. Robin didn't think that Howard was trying hard enough. Savanna said that he didn't try her knees or anything like that. They unstrapped her a short time later. All Briana had to do was beat Tera's 15 seconds and Tera would be eliminated. She was shackled into the tickle post and then Howard went in and tickled her. Briana didn't show any emotion while it was going on so she beat out Tera's 15 seconds. Howard gave her a plug for Vivid.com and her site ClubTera.com. She's also going to be dancing at Gallaghers out on Long Island this weekend. She invited Howard to come see her out there.
Howard had two girls remaining. Savanna and Briana. One of them was going to walk out of there with $5,000. They had some meatballs in the studio and the girls had to try and catch one with their buttocks. Howard thought that Savanna was going to be able to catch one no problem. The girls got on all fours and got ready to try and catch the meatballs that Howard and Artie were going to throw. They got into position and started to throw their meatballs. It took the girls a little while to figure out what position they wanted to be in. Once they were ready Howard and Artie started to throw. Fred played some ''Mission Impossible'' music while they were trying to get the meatballs to stick in their butts. They may have been a little too big so Howard had them cut them in half. Artie said it was like someone shot a porn movie at his grandmother's house. Howard said there were a couple of close calls while they were throwing but no one caught any. They'd run out of meatballs so they had to start recycling them.
No one won the game so Howard decided to split the money between the two finalists, Savanna and Briana. Howard thanked the girls and gave them all plugs after that. Some of the girls appear in the book ''XXX : 30 Porn-Star Portraits.'' They also had web sites to plug so here they are...
Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy wanted to see the chicks that were just on so Howard said he'd upload some stuff to his bulletin board. The caller also asked Howard if he's going to be leaving the radio show sooner than he was supposed to because he read some stuff that John Mainelli wrote about the possibility of Andrew Dice Clay replacing him. Howard hadn't heard that but he's going to talk about everything he can on Letterman on Thursday night. That led to Howard talking about the radio station WCCC up in Hartford, Connecticut and how great they've been. They managed to get the station to first place using his show but they're not bad mouthing him just because he's leaving radio in 2006. Howard said he read an interview someone did with Chuck Roast (Rob Cross) at his station who was saying something about how nice it'll be to get programming back in his control when Howard leaves. Howard complained about how other people at his company are screwing him over and sending him legal letters and stuff. He said it's just not necessary because he hasn't done anything to them. He's not a traitor, he's doing what he needs to do for his career.
Howard heard that Artie was on stage wheezing the other night at a gig he did. Artie said it was because he was smoking through his nose like he did when Tommy Lee was on recently. He said he almost passed out in a guy's steak that night. Howard went on to play tape of Kobe Bryant getting booed at the American Music Awards the other night.
He took a few more phone calls after that. One woman said that she was able to get her mother-in-law to have sex with her over the weekend. Howard had to hear the rest of the story. She told Howard that she's about 5'1'' tall and weighs about 101 pounds. She claims to have a great body because she's a fitness trainer. She's 22 years old and her mother-in-law is 45 but looks great. She said she was also a fitness trainer and she actually got her into the business. The caller said that she looks much younger and some people say they could be sisters. Howard had her describing the other woman and how she was able to get her. The woman said that the mother-in-law was in a tub naked and asked her to come in. She had a glass of wine in her hand and asked her to come in for some reason. The caller swears on the life of her kid that she was asked to shave the mother-in-law. Howard found it hard to believe but she swore the story was true. She got on her knees and started to shave her. Then she was invited into the tub and was told to take her clothes off. The two of them went at it for about an hour. The caller said that the mother-in-law claimed it was the first time for her but she didn't think that was possible. Howard asked if the mom was better than her husband. She said that she was great and she enjoyed it more than her husband. She's afraid of breaking up the family though so she doesn't want to bring her on the show.
The woman told Howard that her husband found her all wet after the bath tub incident so she said she'd just taken a shower. The mother-in-law was also wet and the husband noticed that but she said she'd just washed her hair in the sink. The woman claims that Howard said he'd give her $500 if she was able to make something like that happen. Howard said he believed her and gave her the $500 prize. She said that if she does come on the show, she will need to have their faces blurred on the show.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said he had to ''run off a batch'' after hearing the porn stars earlier in the show. Howard said that they should have pictures up on the web site. He thinks that Briana may have done a porn movie with Kenneth Keith Kallenbach a few years back but he wasn't sure about that. Howard had to get back to the F-Emmy Awards after that.
Howard took a call and ended up talking about how hot Tera was and how she knows how to have sex. He also said that he had great sex last night... with Beth of course. He said that he was going to work the whole day writing some stuff for ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' but his girlfriend asked him if he wanted her to cook dinner. He thought that would be great so she cooked a turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans and a bunch of other stuff. She started cooking at around 1 so the apartment smelled great all afternoon. He worked a little, watched some football, ate and then banged that night. He said that Beth cooking the turkey really turned him on. The cooking was romantic to him but Robin didn't think it would be. Beth likes cooking once in a while. Howard said the turkey was good and he really enjoyed it. He didn't want the day to end because it went so great.
Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard that he heard from a guy who works at a restaurant where both Howard and Donald Trump had gone to recently called Del Sivano or something like that. He asked howard if he wanted to guess who tipped better. Howard said he knows that he tips better than Trump does. Howard always over tips because he doesn't want people talking crap about him. Chaunce told him he was right and Trump only tips 18 percent while Howard tips well over 20 percent. That led to Howard talking about another place he'd gone to over the weekend called Lure. He said the place was great and Robin would love it if she went. Howard said that ''The food is off the charts.''
Another phone caller told Howard that Beth's picture in the latest FHM is great. Howard said she's been writing a monthly column for them called ''Ask Beth'' and the picture they had this month looked great. Howard cut the picture out to keep it for himself. The caller wanted to play the Sulu Dance game but Howard didn't have a prize to give him so he didn't think it would be worth playing. The caller was okay with that and got off the line. Howard took another phone call from a guy who asked to hear a prank call they did using clips of Richard Simmons talking to a guy saying that he was his daughter. Howard played the call as they went to commercial break.
Double A called in and told Howard this was quite a kick off to the week of shows with everything they'd done today. Howard spent a short time with him before having Robin start her daily news. They spent some more time talking about the late Ol' Dirty Bastard again during the news.
A guy claiming to be Henry Hill called in but wasn't able to convince Howard that he was actually Henry. The voice just wasn't quite right but Robin thought it was really him. Howard bailed out on the call and tried to take a call from Sean the White Rapper who claims to have been at Ol' Dirty Bastard's side when he died. Gary told Howard that Sean has brought O.D.B. up there before so it is possible. Another caller told Howard that the FCC is going to try and regulate satellite radio because people who rent cars will be able to get the service. Howard doesn't think that they will ever be able to regulate that though because it's something people have to pay for... and if satellite is available in cars then parents should just keep it turned off if they don't want their kids hearing it.
Another phone caller during the news said that he worked on an O.D.B. reality TV show a few months ago. He can't talk about the content of the show because he's signed a non-disclosure agreement. He told Howard the show should be pretty good though. Howard interrupted that discussion to try and play a song that he was talking about during the news. It was Donovan's song where he sings about Atlantis but the quality of the sound was too crappy to play. He took a call from another guy who wanted to hear The Cure's ''Killing an Arab'' but they didn't have that one. Howard tried to talk to another caller who told Howard that his move to satellite is a bad idea because his audience is going to drop off. Howard said he knows that it's going to drop off but in the long run it's going to be a good thing. That led to Howard talking about how he'll be on Letterman on Thursday night to talk about everything that's going on. He heard some stuff over the weekend that has made him want to make the move even more. The caller said he doesn't want to watch Letterman to find out more about this stuff. The guy wants to know more about the satellite thing and thinks that Howard should be promoting it more. Howard isn't allowed to talk about it on his radio show so that's why he's going to be doing the Letterman thing. The caller was clueless about the service and if it'll be available on computers and stuff. The caller didn't even think that his fans would stay up to watch Letterman who is on so late at night. Howard told him to just videotape it or TiVo it.
Tom Chiusano had come in during that phone call and congratulated Howard on the start of his 20th year there at the station. Howard told him to go tell some of the other guys at the company that stuff. Howard said that some people think it's kind of sad when Tom is on the air with Howard now because they're saying goodbye. Howard said he's kind of protective of Tom for some reason and it is kind of sad that they're saying goodbye. King of all Blacks called in and told Howard that he knows some guys who have gotten satellite put in their older cars and it only took like 15 minutes to do. King said that he still wants to do the ''Ask that nig*er'' radio show on satellite with Howard. Howard told him he'd probably hire him to do that. King told him that it's going to be a sweet show and he's already written some of it out. Howard had to get back to Robin's news so they could wrap up the show. They ended the show around 11:00 this morning.
Howard started off the show talking about his major case of bat wings (sack stuck to thighs) this morning. He wasn't sure why he gets that, especially in cold weather. He would like to use powder on them but he's heard that you can get cancer from talcum powder. He went on to talk about some of the stuff they had coming up on the show today. Robin brought up how messed up Anna Nicole Smith was at the American Music Awards on Sunday night. Gary came in a short time later and said he had tape of Anna explaining why she was in the condition she was in. Howard first played her introduction speech at the awards show. Howard is thinking she's just stupid and can't read. Back stage Anna claimed that she'd been working out and was worn out, that's why she was acting so odd.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's going to follow him over to satellite. He's getting it for christmas and he knows a bunch of guys he works with who will be getting it. The caller doesn't know why people are saying that no one will follow him over there. Howard said that people aren't saying no one will follow. He went on to talk about how Sumner Redstone, the head of the company he works for, has been talking about radio lately and even he doesn't think it's got anywhere to go. He commented on how he doesn't believe that there will be any growth like there was in the 1990's. Howard said that just makes him feel that he's made the right decision to make the move to satellite. Howard will be on Letterman's show on Thursday night and will talk about his move. He's been asked not to talk about that stuff on his own radio show so he has to do it in other places. Howard said he's going to be talking to Dave about why he's making that move and how he thinks it's a new frontier for him. He said he was listening to the Jets game on Sirius over the weekend and they were showing the scores of the game as the game was on. It's cool technology and that's what he wants to promote on Letterman's show. Howard talked about Sumner Redstone who says that they will be selling off some of their stations and working more closely with spanish radio stations. Redstone was talking about how small a part of the company their radio stations are so Howard thinks that means he's not that big of a deal to the company and he's made the right move. The caller that was still on the line let Howard go and gave them an unusual ''F-Fred'' as he hung up. That doesn't happen often for Fred.
Howard is hoping that Letterman is going to let him talk when he goes on the show on Thursday. He wants to get out everything he wants to talk about but they're probably going to rush him through it. Howard wants Dave to ask him the right questions but he doesn't want to write them out for him ahead of time because that's not the way he works.
Gary told Howard that the guy doesn't have to work because he made money in the stock market. The caller said that he's worth about six figures and he doesn't use it because he lives out of his car. He claims to live off the interest he makes on the money and lives very simply. Gary thinks he lives with his parents. Ronnie said that he's got a hot girlfriend. Howard asked the guy to play a few more songs but he got annoying after a while. He had to hang up on the guy. Artie said that he was going to request Pink Floyd's ''Comfortably Numb'' but he was already off the line. Tom Chiusano came in and said the guy calls him quite a bit and leaves messages for them.
High Pitch Erik called in and told Howard about Colin Powell resigning and asked Howard if he'd stay on radio if Michael Powell resigns. Howard said that's not going to keep him from leaving. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Colin Powell resigning and how he's saying that this past 4 years were the worst for him. They spent a short time on that and then had to take a break. High Pitch was going to say something about Artie but Howard hung up on him before he had the chance.
Jessica Hahn called in and told Howard that he should do a show like Jimmy Kimmel's where he could get a full hour for an interview. She also suggested that someone like her do the interviewing so they can make sure they get in all of the questions Howard wants to be asked. Howard had to take a break after that. He didn't seem all that into going on a Jimmy Kimmel-like show to get interviewed.
Howard moved on to the F-Emmy Awards that started yesterday. He had an intro from Jeff the Drunk and Wendy the Retard where they sang about Howard's show to the tune of the ''All in the Family'' theme song. Howard then had tape of Elephant Boy and High Pitch Erik handing it off to him after talking to each other for a few seconds. Howard said the first category today was ''Best Staff Fight'' so here are the nominees:
Trump said that he has sent notes to both Mark Cuban and Richard Branson and let them know that they just weren't good on TV. He also told Howard that his show is now on in 88 different countries and it's apparently number 1 in each of them. Trump said that they try to run their own ''Apprentice'' shows in other countries but they always end up failing when they use other people in place of him.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in and told Howard that there really was nothing to Richard Branson's show. He said there was nothing else on TV that night and he still couldn't sit through it. Ralph said that it really is Trump that makes his show great. Trump said he didn't know who Ralph was but he liked what he was saying. Artie told Trump that he can't wait to see the Mexican version of Donald Trump. That led to Trump telling Howard that Artie stole the show when he roasted him at the Friars club a couple of months ago. Howard was hoping that the show would air but Trump said that he's hoping that it won't air anywhere. Artie said that he can't even repeat what he said at the roast. The roasts used to be off bounds to the press but now they're not and they print things in the paper that are pretty brutal. It just doesn't translate well when they print those things out.
Chaunce Hayden called in and asked Trump if it's true that he only tips 18-20 percent when he goes out to eat. Trump claims that he will tip too much when he goes out. He believes that he tips at least 25 percent when he goes out to eat. Trump said that he goes to restaurants and they give him free meals sometimes because he's so hot right now. Chaunce also asked Trump if he'd take on Richard Branson at a game of Texas Holdem on Howard's show. Trump doesn't seem to be into doing that. Trump asked Howard to replay a bit where he and AJ Benza went at each other about an ex-girlfriend or something because he's been told that it's a great segment and even Howard thinks it's one of the top 5 moments of the show.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Trump that she loves his show and she went off on Richard Branson when he was on the show. Mariann was screaming as Fred was playing some crow cawing sound effects. As she was screaming Donald asked if she was available. Howard thought she was but Gary told them that she's actually married. Howard took another call a short time later and the caller thinks that Donald set one of the guys up on the show to lose the challenge this past week. The caller also didn't believe that they didn't set up the whole bridal salon thing just for the woman on the show who owns a bridal salon. The caller knew the show very well and told Donald that it's great but he does think that he wanted Chris out so bad that they gave them the bridal salon thing.
Gary told Howard how many plugs they get in for big companies on Trump's show. He told Howard about some of the places like Tavern on the Green and Graf Jewelers and others. Howard interrupted that and said that Donald's son is getting married and wondered why he'd let him do that. Howard also read that his daughter is dating a guy by the name of Bingo. Donald said that the guy is a nice guy from Bedminster and he didn't want to bad mouth him. Donald told Howard that he'll make sure his son has a pre-nup before he gets married. He said he will have one whether he likes it or not. Gary wonders how rich Donald's son is. Trump said that he knows people who have given their kids a lot of money and the kids won't help them out when they need it. Trump told a story about a guy who gave his kids $10 million each and when he needed some of it back, they refused to do it. Now the guy says that he no longer has children. Trump said he's going to give his kids his billions... when he dies. The only risk he has is that the kids will kill him. Trump's son works for him and makes a very good salary. All of his kids will eventually work for him as long as they like it.
Howard wondered if Donald thinks about his daughter getting banged by this guy Bingo. Donald said he doesn't even like to think about stuff like that. Howard wrapped up with Donald and let him go a short time later.
Howard played a tribute song to Ol' Dirty Bastard before getting to the next F-Emmy category. Howard said that O.D.B. was also working on some new stuff before he died and played a song parody that wasn't really his. It was a song about Scott Peterson to the tune of the Shaft theme song. After that Howard played Colin Quinn and Wendy the Retard doing an intro for him. The next category was ''Best Singing by a Non-Professional.'' Here are the nominees:
Jon's American Music Award acceptance speech was ruined by a hissing sound. Howard played tape of that and said it was too bad that his speech was ruined like that. That led to Howard talking about Rod Stewart playing a bad song at the award show. He said it's kind of sad that the guy has gone in that direction. He played some tape from that performance on the American Music Awards and it was just bad. Howard said the best part of the award show was when Jimmy Kimmel introduced Ringo Starr who introduced a clip of the Beatles playing on some TV show. Then Jimmy Kimmel came back and said ''That was boring.'' Howard thought that was pretty funny for a host to say something like that.
Howard brought up the Star Jones wedding and how she had her man sign a pre-nup that says he has to stay with her at least two years before he gets anything out of her in a divorce. The guys talked about that for a minute and then Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked him to play the ''Imus Dead or Alive'' song parody that Fred did to Bon Jovi's ''Wanted Dead or Alive.'' Howard had Fred play it as they went to break.
Howard had another F-Emmy to give out so he quickly introduced Anna Nicole Smith as the reader of the rules for the award show. They had audio clips of her stumbling over words and not knowing what to say. Then Daniel Carver and Wendy the Retard did a pre-taped intro for Howard. Howard then said that the next category was ''Best Fighting with a Guest.'' The nominees were:
Howard said that Jennifer the Amputee Beauty Pageant Winner has gone off to Chicago to have her picture taken for Playboy.com. Howard said he has some stuff on his web site about his new studio over at Sirius that you can check out. Gary came in and interrupted Howard saying that they had another F-Emmy to give away. Howard had Fred play the ''We Are The Wack Pack'' song parody before doing that. He had a pre-taped intro from Jeff the Drunk and Melrose Larry Green that he played after that. The next category was ''Best Crying Moment'' and the nominees were:
Howard asked Melissa about dating and what she's doing since she got a divorce. She has been getting laid right up until about a month ago. Howard wondered what's going wrong in her relationships. She said she tends to be attracted to guys with no life and she attracts losers. Melissa said that this guy was cute and he made her laugh. She said he had to wait for about 3 weeks before he slept with her. Howard wondered if he used his hand on her before that. She said he did but she wasn't sure if it was over or under the pants. Howard got into more details and tried to find out what happened that first time the guy was with her. She said it was fabulous and she was able to have an orgasm. She said the sex was good right up until the end of the relationship. Gary came in and asked Melissa who she was with at the American Music Awards the other night. She said that he's a good friend of hers and an ex-boyfriend. Howard let Melissa go a short time after that. She'll be appearing on the TV Guide Channel soon.
Ralph called in and said that they can't play clips from other shows as F-Emmy nominees. Howard said they really don't care about that. They were also talking about who else should have won. They thought that the porn star who slept with Jeff the Drunk should have won but Howard said that a lot of people don't want to come back on the show after stuff like that. Howard replayed the audio from when Cindy Crawford broke down crying. Howard also said that he had a chick break down and cry after he had sex with her. He said as soon as he finished he told her he didn't think he could do it, even though he was already finished. She then broke down and cried and said she wanted to call her boyfriend up in Albany. Ralph also shared a story about how a chick freaked out when she woke up and saw him the morning after they'd slept together. Howard said he hooked Ralph up with a hot chick one time and he called him and told him he'd pleasured himself on her because he wasn't able to wake her up. She woke up later and there was ''evidence'' left all over her. Howard wants to save this story for when he's on satellite because he wants to fill in the details. Howard told Robin she knows the chick. Ralph said that the chick was stuck to the sheets when she woke up. Howard wondered if she was good in bed. Ralph said she was but she was also really dopey.
Isaac from E! called in to talk about the crying porn star thing. He said that the audio is nothing compared to what he actually saw there in the room. He was shooting the stuff for E! and he didn't know what to do when she broke down crying. Howard had to take a break right after that quick story.
Comedian Greg Giraldo came in a short time later and talked about the single that he's on that was like the number one requested song on K-Rock for 5 weeks in a row. Greg told Howard how he got involved in this thing and how they used his rants and put them to music. Greg said he didn't know that it was going to be used the way it was and he's still waiting to get paid from the deal. He said it went from them telling him he could make millions from that to telling him that it might bring some more people to the clubs. Howard said he heard that Greg has gotten bumped from Letterman's show 3 times now. Greg said he was bumped from one show where Rosie Perez was the only guest and she was promoting an independent film that didn't have a firm release date. Greg said he was recently bumped when Jane Pauley was on the show. Howard wondered when he finds out he's bumped from the show. He said it comes down to the last second. He said that the last time he was sent out on stage and they were still in commercial break. He said it ends up costing him money because he has to go out and buy a new suit for the appearance. Howard wondered if everyone looks at him like he's a loser. Greg said that they do kind of do that and they always fill the extra time they have these lame bits that they play in place of the stand-up.
Howard said that he was thinking of going on Letterman for this Sirius thing and he got a call from Rob Burnett over at Dave's show. He finally agreed to do the show and was told that they were going to bump a few people they had booked. Howard said that makes him feel good about himself because they're bumping people to fit him in. The direct opposite of Greg's appearances. Howard said he had plenty of experiences like Greg has had.
A phone caller told Howard that his fiancee just left him. He was going on and on about how much he loves Howard but Howard didn't seem to think there was much of a point there. The guy told Howard that his fiancee took everything they had when she moved out and he wasn't expecting it. Howard couldn't figure out what he wanted him to do so he bailed out on the call.
Jeff Jarvis, who used to write for TV Guide, called in and told Howard that he just found out that the FCC fines against FOX for a ''sexually suggestive'' segment that aired, are based on 3 letters that were sent in as complaints against FOX. He said you can find out more about this stuff on his blog at BuzzMachine.com. Howard asked Jeff to do some investigating into the Janet Jackson fines as well because Michael Powell told Howard that they did a full investigation for that whole thing but Howard doesn't believe it. He asked Jeff to look into that a little deeper and find out if they ever questioned Janet Jackson or anyone at CBS about what went on. He gave Jeff another plug and then let him go.
Howard read some e-mail before going to break. He read one that gave him some suggestions for his appearance on Letterman's show on Thursday. There were a few other e-mails about the Porn Factor segment they did yesterday, one from a woman who said she doesn't want Chaunce Hayden on the show anymore and others that Howard quickly went through. He got in a plug for tonight's E! show which features the Vegan Vixens before he went to commercial.
Howard had Robin start her news after Greg's drug stories. Ralph called in during the news and told Howard that he's tried crystal meth and it's good when you're on it but you feel like crap for days after. He said it's a good sex drug and it's better than ecstasy because it heightens everything. Robin wondered why you'd need to heighten that feeling because it's already so intense. Howard didn't know that Ralph was into that stuff. Another phone caller told Howard that he was using coke this morning and he's hooked. He doesn't think he's addicted because he's able to go without it for a couple days at a time. The guy thought that he might have lost his job because of it as well. The guy was sitting at home alone doing lines of coke and calling into Howard's show. Artie said that the worst is when you're doing coke by yourself.
Robin did some more news stories and then Captain Janks called in and brought up Star Jones. The guys spent a few minutes talking about her. Janks also asked Howard if he's ever accidentally called Beth by his ex-wife's name of Alison. Howard said he has never made that mistake. It would have been worse if he'd called his ex-wife ''Beth.''
Howard took some more phone calls during the news and one guy asked him if he thinks that satellite will fail just like his CBS Saturday night show did. Howard said he didn't think that show failed and he doesn't think that satellite would fail with or without him. He said that he thinks that satellite radio is going to thrive and he may just be a catalyst to get people to switch over. He's going to be getting into that more on Thursday when he appears on ''The Late Show with David Letterman.'' A few people called in and requested this new bit they had with Star Jones walking down the aisle at her wedding. It was just a quick clip of ''Here Comes The Bride'' with Godzilla screams and pounding footsteps that everyone seemed to love. Robin finished up her news after that and they ended the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off the show saying that he's been running around like a chicken with his head cut off. He talked about the news in the paper about the British woman who was apparently killed over in Iraq. He said they think that they just shot her in the head after torturing her for a couple of weeks. Howard said he's still waiting for George W. Bush to send his daughters over to Iraq to fight for the country. They were out campaigning for him all this time, now they should support their father and fight in the war. Maybe they have different priorities. Howard said he told people that things were going to get worse and he read in the paper today that even more people in the military have been called into duty. There are soldiers who haven't shot guns or exercised for years but they're being called into duty anyway. He read about a guy who left the service in 1997 and hasn't touched the controls of an aircraft since 1997 and he's 47 years old but he's being called back to active duty. Robin said when she left the service she stopped nursing so when people asked her what she was going to do if they called her back to service, she said that she wasn't a nurse anymore, they can't call her back. Howard said if they were fighting this war, they could have called her back. Howard mentioned the Bush girls again and said that they should suit them up and get them over there. Artie said he knows a guy who fought in the first Iraq war so he should call him and find out if he's being called back into service. Howard said that Cabbie could be called back into service as well.
Howard is preparing to go on David Letterman's show tomorrow and Alanis Morissette will be on as the musical guest. Before taping the show he will be in the streets of Manhattan giving out some stuff to the people. He said it's the giving time of year and he'll be giving away ''Something'' for free (Sirius satellite?). Howard said that if you bring him your old one, he'll give you a new one. Robin said that High Pitch Erik asked for ''something'' for free recently so now he can get his. Howard looked for the address for the location but he was unable to find it at first. He eventually found it and said that he'll be in Union Square between 14th and 17th between Broadway and Park Ave. around Noon on Thursday for those of you who would like to get something for free from Howard. Howard said he'll be hanging out handing out the stuff for free but he doesn't have 10 million of them to give away so it's first come first serve. After that he's going to go tape Letterman's show around 4:30. He said he thought about taking people's old ones (radios) so he can smash them in the street. Robin told Howard there won't be any strolling down the street because there will be so many people there.
Joey Boots called in and brought up this Marine who shot a guy who was unarmed over in Iraq. Now he's being investigated because of the shooting but people don't know what those guys go through over there. Howard said that the guy didn't know if the guy had a bomb on him or not and that's why he shot the guy. They don't know that those people are completely unarmed over there. Howard said he'd probably kill everyone and everything over there if he was in the service. Joey said if they do prosecute the soldier it's going to ruin the morale of the troops. Howard let Boots go after that.
Bobo called in and told Howard he has some questions that he'd like to hear David Letterman ask on Thursday when Howard does his show. He said he wants to know what kind of radio set up people need, what the monthly charge is, how the reception is in rain and snow, how long it takes to get hooked up to the service, what time will the show air... and a bunch of other questions. Howard told Bobo that the show will be on at the same time it is now. He'll answer more of those questions on Thursday. He went to break right after that.
Double A called in and asked where exactly Howard will be giving out those things tomorrow. Howard told him he'll see when he gets there. Tom Chiusano came in and asked Howard if he thinks that what he's giving out is unethical. Howard told Tom that he hasn't said what he's giving out so he doesn't know. Tom said that he could figure it out and he knows what he'll be giving out. Double A said that even being kind Howard gets yelled at. Howard said he gets yelled at for everything around there. He told Tom that they don't need him there at the company anyway so it shouldn't be a big deal that he's making his move. Howard told Tom that he's going to get one of these things for Christmas. He said he's giving him a full hookup for his home and car this Christmas. Double A got off the line and said he'd see him tomorrow out on the street in Union Square. Tom continued to say that what Howard was doing was unethical and they shouldn't be talking about smashing radios with hammers. Howard said that he'll stop saying that then. He told the fans not to bring their hammers with them.
A phone caller told Howard that kids these days know all of the curse words and crap like that so it's ridiculous that he can't talk that way on radio. That led to Howard talking about how ridiculous everything is getting with the FCC and people complaining about stupid things like the bit they did on Monday Night Football. Gary said that they were talking about that stuff in the office and it's ridiculous that no one complains about all of the other shows replaying that bit after it aired. Gary also said that some people are saying that it's a racial thing and if Nicolette Sheridan had jumped into Brett Favre's arms, no one would be complaining. Howard said it's a lot of fuss about nothing. He said that people should be worried more about what's going on over in Iraq, not that a manly looking Nicolette Sheridan is half naked jumping into the arms of Terrell Owens.
Captain Janks called in and said that he's had a great time listening to Howard on WYSP and K-Rock and he doesn't know why Tom Chiusano has to come in and ruin things the way he did earlier. Howard said no one knows what to do now that he's making his move. He took another call after that and a guy told Artie that he was great in the movie ''Elf'' which is out on DVD now. Artie said that he'll be getting some checks from that now that it's out on DVD. Artie said he was hardly in the movie and he hasn't even seen it yet. He talked a little bit about how much he's made from some of the other movies he's done. He made like $35,000 from ''Old School'' alone.
Howard played some voice mail that John the Stutterer left because he's afraid that he's being left out of things on the show. He wasn't on the Hollyweird Squares game or in the ''We Are The Wack Pack'' song parody so he's calling Doug Goodstein telling him that he's getting depressed. He's afraid that he did something wrong and they're ignoring him. Howard said they've told him he's done nothing wrong but he doesn't believe them for some reason. John apologized for leaving such a long message but he can't get it out any faster with the stutter he has. As he was ending the message John complained about Debbie Schlussel of all people.
Howard asked Artie why Beetlejuice called and left a message for him. Artie said there was a guy at one of Bob Levy's comedy shows who put Beetlejuice on the phone to leave him a message and Beetlejuice kind of went off on him about getting drunk. Beetle called Artie a mess and went off on him about his drinking. Artie thought it was kind of funny that he called him a mess.
Tom was wondering what a ''meat whistle'' is because Captain Janks had called him that a couple of times earlier in the show. Howard told him it's a genitalia since Tom wasn't aware of the word. Howard and Tom also talked more about the free stuff that Howard will be giving out tomorrow. That led to Howard talking about Jerry Seinfeld on Letterman from Monday night. He said he had a funny thought about these coffee shops where people set up and just sit there while they're drinking their coffee. Seinfeld said that they should get their coffee and just leave. Howard thought that was a good observation on Seinfeld's part. Howard thought the guy was pretty funny. Tom told Howard that Seinfeld has these new DVDs coming out soon and they're advertising them on the radio station but not airing them on Howard's show for some reason. Howard thought they'd gotten over the bad blood they had in the past. He said he's run into Jerry a bunch of times and he seemed okay with him. Howard talked about how Seinfeld used to come on his show all the time when his show was floundering for a year and a half but the guy doesn't come back and reward him. Howard said that's a scumbag move.
Alanis gave her acceptance speech and thanked her grandparents and her parents. She said that they met when they were 12 years old and if they hadn't she wouldn't be there today. She told Howard about how she walked in on a family member having sex one time but she wouldn't say who it was. She was about 10 years old when it happened. Alanis was impressed with the voices on all of those nominees because they all performed so early in the morning. Howard said he's impressed with the talent that shows up on his show. Howard let Alanis go a little while later. She sounded very happy with the F-Emmy win.
Howard talked about the pictures that were going to be printed and how he was able to clean that mess up within an hour. Richard wondered what became of the pictures. Howard said he has them and they're actually pretty tame. Gary told him to put them up on his web site so they can see them. Howard said that he's not going to put them up. His kids are still reeling from the whole divorce.
Howard read some stories that Page Six has printed over the years. They once ran a story about Kirstie Alley raising an Opossum using her own breast milk. There was another story that Richard thought was ridiculous at the time. He was told that Woody was making out with his almost-daughter Soon Yi at a Knicks game. Howard's buddy Ralph called in a short time later and said that he's seen some of the pictures that were taken of Howard and Beth in Hawaii. He said he should have let them print them because it would have been an excellent advertisement for Howard being single. Howard said that the guy who took the pictures was a local guy so he didn't follow him there from New York or anything. Ralph told Howard he should sell some of them now to get some of his money back.
Howard read that Richard has made up with Alec Baldwin now and they're friendly now. Richard said that's true and they made up after they did an interview together. Howard talked to Richard about another story about Bijou Philips peeing in some guy's bed because she was pissed off at the guy. There were some other stories that Howard and Richard went over. Howard talked about running into this guy Lloyd Grove one time and how pissed off he got when the guy introduced himself to him at a party.
Howard talked to Richard about Star Jones and about how he'll be on Letterman tomorrow talking about his future. He's also going to be giving out some free things on the street tomorrow. Richard said he has a theory that Michael Powell owns stock in XM and Sirius and that's why all of these fines are being brought down on Howard. That led to Howard and the guys talking about the Nicolette Sheridan bit that aired on Monday Night Football. Artie was also complaining about the ABC stars they always put in the booth during those games and how annoying that is. Kelly Ripa was on one time which annoyed Artie but Howard said he finds her so hot that he'd bang her until her head fell off. The guys talked about what a mess Kathie Lee turned out to be. She ''hit the wall'' pretty hard according to Howard. He admits that he hit the wall when he came out of his mother's vagina as well.
Howard talked to Richard about a Vanity Fair article that's out about the history of Page Six. He said that Richard also wrote some stuff for this book XXX : 30 Porn-Star Portraits. Richard said that he used to watch porno quite a bit but it's not as much as he used to. He said that he like Tera Patrick so they spent a minute on that before Howard wrapped up the interview.
Howard played the message that Eric left for Will in the back office. Eric said that he had to get some sleep and he'd have his phone off the hook. He said he'd call after the show to talk to Will about whatever it was. Howard thought he had Eric on the phone but it turned out to be Zolar saying that he wanted to get on that show too. Howard hung up on him before he had a chance to say anything else. He went on to play the phony phone call that High Pitch Erik made to Eric the Midget as Kelly Clarkson and others like KC, Gary and Artie.
Howard talked about how bad Jessica Simpson was on the American Music Awards the other night. He said she's really hot but her singing really sucks. Robin said she was going to ask him about that because she thought she was pretty bad too. Howard read that Chyna Doll has a porn tape coming out soon and it's called ''One Night In Chyna.'' Howard said he won't be watching it because it might ruin his sex life. Artie said he has no desire to watch it either. Sal the Stockbroker came in and said they might have a sneak preview of the sex tape. He gave Howard a gay porn clip where two guys were doing stuff to each other.
Howard quickly mentioned an article that he'd read on Fool.com about something he's not allowed to talk about on his radio show (Sirius satellite). He wanted the guys to get a link up on his web site as soon as possible so people can read it. He read another article about what women really mean in their personal ads when they describe themselves. Some of the terms he mentioned...
Howard read an e-mail from someone who wondered why Howard doesn't confront Donald Trump about his hair. Howard said he has talked to Trump about his hair in the past, he just doesn't bring it up every time. Some people think that the Tickle Post is better than the Tickle Chair but they suggested that they put a ball in the girl's mouths when they're tied up. Some other people complained about the show being chopped up in their area. One person said there was a name for the thing that Ralph was talking about during yesterday's show. It's called a Wet Jesse.
A phone caller told Howard that he had to pretend to be someone else to get through to ask Howard about Sirius satellite radio. The guy said that there are some people out there who can't afford to go out and buy this satellite stuff this holiday season. Howard told the guy that it's only forty cents a day. The guy said that wasn't even his complaint, he was complaining that he can't get through on the phones to talk to Howard without getting a busy signal. Howard told him he's got no control over that and hung up on him a short time later. Another guy asked how many of the ''things'' Howard will be giving out tomorrow. Howard said he's got a couple hundred but he's not sure exactly how many there are. He'll also be giving out some certificates of some type as well. Howard had to take another break a short time after that.
A listener called in and gave Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy props for the job they've been doing on the show lately. He siad they're much better than ''that stuttering prick'' he used to have on the show. Howard told the guy that life goes on. Howard took a couple of other phone calls during the news. One guy brought up Star Jones again so Howard played some of their Star Jones bits. Robin read a story about a top 500 songs of all time list that she read. That led to Howard playing a bunch of song parodies that he thought should be on the list.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Howard how he's going to be set up tomorrow when he's giving away his ''stuff'' tomorrow. Howard wasn't even sure how that was going ot be set up. Mike also asked Howard about where the fans can get audio from the show like the High Pitch Erik ''Who's High Pitch'' clip. Howard told him that he keeps that stuff from the fans because in the wrong hands, it can be dangerous. He said that they know when to use them, other people would be playing them all the time and ruin it. Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Benjy showed up a little late and came strolling into the studio as Howard was starting the show. Howard told him that he's not supposed to come in if the show has started already because it irritates him. Howard has told him in the past to wait until the first break before coming in if he shows up late. The guys goofed on Benjy about the way he brings things into the studio in twos. Two bottles of water, two hands full of food and more.
Howard said he's going to have a busy day today when he goes out to give out free stuff to his fans. He's also doing Letterman's show later in the afternoon. He said he was listening to his new ''radio'' over the weekend and thought about giving some things away to his fans for free. He gathered up about 500 of these things at first but then it added up to about 20,000 and he's going to be handing them out to his fans. Howard said you can find out where he's going to be at over at his web site. He said there's an article over there as well that he wants people to read from Fool.com. Howard said he likes to get the fans together once in a while in a big gathering because there are people all over each other and almost banging each other. Artie is going to go along with him and introduce him to the crowd. Howard wanted to go to Times Square to do this giveaway but he was told he couldn't. That's how he ended up planning the Union Square thing.
Howard said he went to bed right after watching a good episode of ''Smallville'' last night. He didn't get home until 7:30 last night so he had to rush to get to the TV to watch the show. Artie said the worst part of Howard's day is going to be between the time he does the Union Square thing and when he does Letterman. He'll have some time to kill and won't know what to do. Howard said he was so tired yesterday that he fell right asleep without even pleasuring himself. He did wake up late so he had to take an Ambien to get back to sleep. He's stressed out from everything that's going on so he had to do something to get some sleep. Howard admits he's a big mess and his life is non-stop. He was out on Long Island visiting with his kid and he doesn't answer the phone when he's with her. Howard said he took that Ambien and it helped getting him to sleep. Artie said that he can't take just one, it's like hitting an elephant with a blow dart. The Ambien apparently knocks out all of the thoughts you have in your head so Howard was trying to fight it. He said that once it kicked in, he had trouble having all of the thoughts he was having and he was asleep. Artie said that you feel like a stupid person when the drug kicks in and that's why you're able to get to sleep so quick.
Howard woke up at 4 in the morning and worried about whether or not the sleep he got was a good sleep or not. He watched ''Lost'' when he got up and enjoyed that. He couldn't watch ''The Bachelor'' because Beth wasn't there and he had to save it for her. Howard came into work after that and made plans to go over to Letterman later today. He's going to try and take a shower and change clothes after the Union Square thing so he's clean for Letterman.
A phone caller asked Howard what he's wearing tonight for Letterman's show. Howard said he's not getting all dressed up and he'll just be wearing the clothes he had on this morning. Another caller mentioned where Howard was going to be in Union Square so they hit the delay on him. Howard told the guy he didn't want to say exactly where it was going to be. Howard took another call from a guy who's coming from Pittsburgh to see Howard in the city. The guy said that he doesn't care if he doesn't get anything free, he just wants to be there. The caller also likes that they have an archive of past shows on Howard's web site now. Howard said they've had that feature up for a couple of weeks now and the site is continuing to grow. He had to take a commercial break a short time after that.
Howard read a note they got from a guy who claims that TrimSpa fired Anna Nicole Smith. J.D. came in and told Howard it wasn't true and TrimSpa said that they're keeping Anna so the letter wasn't right. Howard was wondering because the letter was just from some dude by the name of Ernest, not from a news service. After that Howard played some gay porn audio and goofed around with that for a short time. He also played Billy Mira's David Lee Roth prank phone call to a black club owner who had no idea who Dave was.
Nicole Bass called in and told Howard that she'd be willing to do some body guarding for him today while he's handing out his free stuff. She asked if she could come down. Howard told her that she could come down, anyone can come down. Howard also just found out that Nicole is going to be a grandmother. Fred was doing his Herman Munster impression as a goof the whole time. Howard and the guys were goofing on Nicole about how manly she is. Howard, as Nicole's grandchild, said ''Grandma, what big balls you have!'' and a few other things like that. Nicole said that she raised her step-daughter from the age of 14 or so. Howard wondered if it was like the Munsters and everyone scrambled when she walked in the classrooms and stuff. One of the guys said that the kid might have brought Nicole in for show and tell. Fred, as Nicole, said ''Guess what I am!'' like he was the show and tell thing. Howard let Nicole go after that and said that she's something else.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave him suggestions for his appearance today. That led to Howard talking about his Letterman appearance today and how there were a lot of people asking questions on his bulletin board yesterday. Howard said that some of the questions he won't be able to answer some of the questions because they're very technical. He can't talk about them on his own radio show. The caller also wanted to play the Sulu Dance game where he has to try and fill in the blanks for the George Takei lines in the song. Howard had a prize to give him if he got it right. The guy screwed up in a few places but Howard gave him the Samsung Napster MP3 unit as his prize.
Howard wondered if Gary is going to be at the big giveaway today. Gary said he lives for that stuff so he'll be there. He went to one of Howard's book signings one time and was blown away by the number of people who showed up. Howard said he was always amazed at how many people showed up to all of his book signings. Howard thinks it'll be funny to give things out for Thanksgiving like guys do around this time of year. Howard said they'll be giving out a ton of these things and if they don't have enough, they'll be giving out certificates so people can redeem them for the item. He had to take a break after talking about that for a few minutes.
Gary Garver was out at a Victoria's Secret event in Los Angeles and interviewed a bunch of models. He got Giselle Bundchen so Howard played that interview first. She rambled a bit when Gary asked her questions. He asked her if it was tough being beautiful and she rambled on and on about her thoughts on beauty. Howard said that if he came from another country and had an accent, he'd limit the amount of talking he does. Garver asked her about her modeling job and she had a long answer about that as well. The guys goofed on her a little bit which led to Howard playing a new song parody using Aurora Snow gagging clips to the Dueling Banjos song. Howard got back to the Giselle interview. She walked away after Garver asked her what her breast size was. He tried to ask her how big Leonardo Dicaprio's penis is but he screwed up his name. That shut Giselle up though so Howard loved it.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he'd be down to the Union Square thing this afternoon. It's turning into a huge party and Howard wasn't expecting that. He got back to the Gary Garver interviews and played Garver's interview with Heidi Kluum. Howard found out she's dating singer Seal which surprised him. He said he didn't picture her dating a black guy. Garver asked her why modeling is so difficult. She said it's really not difficult to her. Garver also asked her about keeping her old teeth in a pouch. She brings her teeth with her when she flies as a good luck charm. Garver asked her to yodel for him but she didn't want to do it. Garver asked her to bark like a dog instead. Garver then asked her if she prefers black guys or white guys. She told Garver that he's a very strange guy as her people were pulling her away from him.
Garver also got an interview with a model by the name if Adriana. He asked her if it's hard being beautiful and who her modeling role model is. She said that it's Betty Page and Marilyn Monroe. She also said that it's not hard being beautiful, she just thinks she was blessed. Garver then gave her a quick quiz and asked her if she knows who the current Vice President is. She had no idea. He asked her what the capital of New York is. She said ''New York.'' Garver asked her how many states there are in the United States. She had no idea. Garver asked her what the square root of 9 was. By this point Howard and the guys were betting on whether or not she'd know the answer. Adriana had no idea what the answer was so she had Garver answer for her. Garver then asked her who John Kerry's running mate was. She didn't know and told Garver that she wasn't there to answer those questions. Howard had F-Emmy's to get to so he bailed out on that stuff a short time later.
Howard played a news clip from CBS morning news where they reported on what Howard will be doing later in the day. They speculated that he'd be giving away free satellite radios to his fans. Howard took another phone call after that. The caller asked Howard if it's gay to get a stripper and not ''finish.'' The guy was drunk and said he just wasn't able to finish with her after she gave him everything. Howard said he can't imagine not finishing when he's with a chick. The guy is only 23 years old so Howard told him he might have a drinking problem. He took a few more phone calls and more people said that they'll be down in Union Square today. Howard said it's not that big of a deal, he's just handing out a few free things.
Howard saw that Michael Powell of the FCC was on CNBC again recently. He played some tape of what Powell said about the Monday Night Football incident with Nicolette Sheridan. She was in a towel and threw herself at Terrell Owens. Powell says that they only respond to complaints and they have to look into this further. Howard said he's getting out of radio at the right time with all of this nonsense going on. Howard took some more phone calls after that. One guy said that he was going to show up at the Union Square thing but his boss wouldn't let him out. This guy Sim on from Howard's bulletin board called in and said that he'll be there in Union Square.
Garver got an interview with actor James Denton who appears on ''Desperate Housewives.'' He had some nice things to say about Howard going to satellite. Howard said that they had an interview with John Mayer so he ended up playing a song that he thought Mayer sings. It turns out it wasn't Mayer, it was Ryan Adams remake of Oasis' ''Wonderwall.'' Howard played Garver's interview with John Mayer. He asked him a few questions and Mayer thought it was cool that he was being interviewed for Howard's show. Garver asked him if he's ever had a gay experience and some things like that. He also asked him a few trivia questions that he was actually able to answer correctly. Mayer also said that Howard's move to satellite is very original and he'll be there for the first show if they want him. Howard said he might have to become a fan of his now that he's heard that. Robin said she's been a secret fan of his for a while now.
Garver got an interview with rappers the Ying Yang Twins. He asked them a couple of questions about who they'd like to have sex with and about Howard's move to satellite radio. Their answers weren't very long and one of the guys was making weird duck quacking sounds. Howard took a phone call during that and the caller told Howard about this infection he had on his legs recently. He said it was a nasty infection and he almost lost his testicles because of it. The caller just wanted to thank Howard for making him laugh through all of this stuff. The guy was also wondering when Artie's DVD is coming out. Artie said that it should be out on December 13th. You can order yours at Artie-Lange.com when it's available.
A woman called in and asked Howard to come to Texas to give away some of his free stuff. Howard said he might go down that arrest warrant down there is over with. Howard had a bunch of e-mail to read after that. A woman wrote in and said she's had enough of High Pitch Erik and can't take it anymore. Some people wanted more details about Howard's stroll through Union Square today. Howard said they got their first positive e-mail about Artie's wardrobe. Someone was asking where Artie got his L.A. T-shirt. Artie said that he got it in the airport out there because he didn't have a clean shirt. A couple of people told Howard about how other shows have been ripping him off. One of the letters was about Imus' sidekick stealing Artie's ''Wah, wah, wah'' bit recently. There was a bunch of e-mail about Artie's pronunciation of mozzarella. Other people complained about Howard's bulletin board and all of the racist comments on there. Howard said they're still trying to clean that up over there. One person requested that Howard replay the ''Imus Dead or Alive'' song parody so that's what he did as he went to break.
Howard asked Shatner if he smokes weed. Shatner said that he doesn't do it often. Howard went out to dinner with him not too long ago and they had a really good time so that made him wonder if he does stuff like that. Shatner said that it's illegal and wouldn't really give Howard a straight answer. Howard also had tape of Stephen Baldwin talking about his first celebrity experience. Stephen said that it was with Bill Shatner and he was a little huskier than he was on Star Trek. Howard got Stephen on the phone to talk about it and then continued the tape. In the interview Baldwin says that Shatner blew him off and spit on him after he complimented him and told him what a fan he was. Baldwin claims that's the reason he's never mean to any fan that approaches him. Shatner said that he's a fan of Stephen's and this was just rude. Howard asked Bill if he knows of any movies that Stephen has been in. Shatner was stumped and didn't have a clue.
Shatner said that was not a true story and he had to have been making it up. Stephen says that Shatner was totally rude and a jerk to him when he met him and the story was not made up. Howard said that Alec is rude to people when they go up to him. Stephen said that's got nothing to do with this. Stephen said that Shatner didn't actually spit in his face, he just acted like he wanted him out of his face. Shatner said that maybe he was up in his face and didn't want him there so that's why he blew him off. He did apologize to Stephen if that's actually what happened. Artie started to goof on Stephen doing his ''wah, wah, wah'' stuff to him. Howard let him off the phone a short time later.
Howard had more tape for Bill. This tape was a compilation of George Takei clips that they made up so it sounded like he was saying that Bill likes his penis and that Bill has a tiny wang. Howard had a bunch of those clips that he played for Bill. Bill said that he wished he was back in the Homo Room instead of being there to accept an award for a farter. Howard told Bill that they took George Takei's book on tape and cut it up to make it sound like he was saying all of these things. They had Shatner cracking up a couple of times with those clips. Here's just a small sample of the clips they created using Takei's real voice...
Howard took a call from Zolar who was doing a hispanic accent saying that Shatner had blown him off for an autograph and called him a dirty Spic. Zolar broke into his regular voice and told Howard that he wanted to go to Union Square but his boss wouldn't let him out of work. Howard got him off the line and said that he heard that Shatner wants to fly to space on Virgin Airlines space craft when it comes out. Shatner said he doesn't know anything about that and he has no desire to go into space. He's got a great life right now and doesn't want to screw it up. Howard talked to Bill about working with James Spader and asked him if he's a creepy guy. Shatner said he's not creepy and he's got a lovely girlfriend. Howard was also wondering if the Boston Legal people signed him for a large amount of money. Shatner said it's not all that big and he doesn't have much of a contract right now.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked if it's true that Shatner doesn't like to give out autographs. Shatner said he doesn't mind doing it but he doesn't walk the streets just to sign autographs. Howard played another George Takei clip that was an actual clip from Takei's book on tape. He was talking about how Shatner would hold up production once in a while and cause trouble. Shatner just laughed as he heard it and said that Takei was just making that stuff up.
William Shatner is appearing on The View today so Howard asked him to ask Star Jones about her wedding and the guy she married who is rumored to have had gay experiences in the past. Howard asked him to mention the sponsorships that she had for her wedding. He said he'd kiss Bill's feet if he did that. They played another George Takei clip where he talked about how horrible the news was when they found out that Bill was going to be directing ''Star Trek 5.'' Bill said that what he was hearing was all made up from what he could tell. He also said that all of that stuff happened a hundred years ago and life has gone on since then. Shatner was laughing as he heard those real clips from Takei's book on tape and wondered how anyone remembers scenes that were shot 40 years ago. Howard gave Bill a plug for ''Boston Legal'' which airs after ''Desperate Housewives'' on Sunday nights. He also gave him a plug for his album ''Has Been'' and the reality TV show he has coming up on Spike TV next March called ''Invasion Iowa.''
Ralph called in and told Robin that she was screwing up some of the stories she was reading for the news. He corrected her on one story and corrected her pronunciation of Redman. She was apparently saying ''redmin'' instead of ''red man'' like it's supposed to be. Howard thought Ralph was being a little picky this morning for some reason.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked Howard why they bleeped the clip ''Jack Mehoffer'' on the E! show last night. They didn't actually bleep it, they had someone elses voice saying the name instead of Bill O'Reilly. Howard said he'd look into that and find out why they had to do that. Howard ended up talking about all of the guys they're going to be bringing to the Union Square thing after the show. Howard is taking a bunch of people with him in Ronnie's giant limo. Howard said that Artie showed up to one of Howard's appearances one time and got a phone number from a chick. He ended up calling her but she blew him off. Howard said you have to act on that stuff when you have the chance. Richard Christy was apparently in there talking about how he might finally be able to get laid at this event. Double A called in a short time later and said that there were a ton of people there waiting for him to show up. High Pitch Erik also called in and told him how much traffic there was down there and asked if he could get up and do his Kelly Clarkson thing. Howard said he might let that happen.
Howard talked about how Letterman should be pretty interesting today. He said he told Alanis Morissette that if he sees her back stage at Letterman that he wants to pretend that they're good friends. He's not sure if she really likes him or not though. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Howard that she's on her way down to Union Square. She was screaming about it over the phone so Howard got her off the line pretty quick. Robin told Howard that she'll be going down to the Union Square thing and to Letterman's show after that. Howard said that he might have a few drinks before doing Letterman's show but Robin thought that he'd end up like Anna Nicole at the American Music Awards the other night. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. They wrapped up the show around 10:30am.
Howard started off the show before he was able to eat his breakfast. Robin apologized to him because they kept him from eating while he was talking to them before the start of the show. Howard said that his personal life is quite a roller coaster right now. He talked about yesterday's big day giving out free Sirius satellite radios. He said that was a lot of fun. They gave out about 500 free radio systems and a bunch of free radio certificates to the fans that showed up. Howard went home and took a nap after that and then went over to Letterman's show and did that. He said it was real cool but now he's fried. He was up at 2 in the morning again and didn't take any Ambien because he didn't think he'd wake up on time. Howard talked about the news that Mel Karmazin will be running Sirius now so that's even more good news. Robin told Howard she heard that Howard was going to resign on Letterman last night and that was the big rumor running around the station yesterday.
Howard said that there are stories about him wanting out of his contract early but that's not the case. Howard said that he will go on Letterman again if that's an announcement he wants to make. They offered to let him come on every week or month over there if he wants to get more information out about his new job. Howard wants to do other shows to get the word out though. Howard read the article he saw in the NY Post about how he apparently wants out of his contract early. Howard's studio isn't ready over there at Sirius though so it would be kind of dumb for him to leave. Howard knows that there are discussions about Sirius possibly taking over his contract but they don't want to pay as much as Infinity wants. Howard would love to be able to run his show on both satellite and on his Infinity stations for the remainder of his contract but they may not want to do that. Howard isn't sure what's going on with the negotiations. He said he's happy to finish out his current contract but if his contract is bought out, he's more than happy to make the switch. It would accelerate his audience moving over to Sirius but he's not sure what's going to happen.
Joey Boots called in and told Howard how good he was on Letterman last night. Robin had been telling him how great the appearance was as well. Howard said there was something weird that happened. Letterman leaned over to him and said ''thank god for you'' and he thanked him for doing what he's doing. Boots told Howard how happy he is that he got one of the free radios and he's feeling a lot of love for the show right now. Howard told him that he felt great yesterday as well when he was giving out those radios. Howard said that the FCC is trying to take some steps to start regulating satellite, cable and other things. It won't happen according to Howard though. Robin told Howard that things are getting out of control and a reporter was jailed for not revealing his sources about a story so the first amendment is coming under attack all over the place. Howard said that he wouldn't even be on the air today if his audience wasn't so loyal to the show. He's now making the move to a new medium and he believes that people will really like the whole satellite thing. He's betting his future on that and he doesn't want to lose his fans. Boots told Howard that he's not losing him. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and thanked Howard for getting her into the green room over at Letterman yesterday. Howard said he saw a few people as he was walking into Letterman's show and pulled her in. They also brought Steve the Intern in who was sitting outside. Gary told Howard that he was in the green room and Mariann was talking to some Minister about how Howard only wants to talk to her about anal all the time. Gary wasn't even sure who the Minister was. Mariann said that the guy was a friend of one of the guys in the band. She was going on a little too long so Howard hung up on her.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard how great he was on Letterman last night. That led to Robin talking about how she needs Dominic to help her out with a speeding ticket she got down in Virginia. She was doing 87 miles per hour and got a ticket that she has to go to court for. She can't just pay the ticket. Dominic said his advice would have been not to stop at all down there. Howard said that a black woman speeding in Virginia is not a good idea. Dominic asked Howard when he found out about Mel Karmazin making the move to Sirius. Howard said he would talk about that at another time... He went on to read a quick story about Mel getting appointed to CEO of Sirius after that. He also said that he's really not trying to get out of his contract with Infinity.
Howard said he met Hook Nose Mike yesterday and he looked much different than he thought. He was little and skinny according to the guys. Howard took some phone calls after that and people told him how proud he was of him after that appearance. Robin told Howard that he even looked good on the show. His clothes were good, his makeup was good and his hair was ''lustrous'' according to Robin. Shuli called in after that and told Howard how great the appearance was. He liked that he remained focused during the whole thing. He didn't go off on management there at the company like he thought he was going to earlier in the week. Howard wanted to tell the audience that they could be let go at any time so they may want to get their equipment soon. Howard also wanted to tell people how to convert from the other satellite service to Sirius. Robin told him that he could go out as a gadget guy and have all of the equipment to show people on the show. Howard said he may do that on another show and this was just the beginning of him going out talking about this stuff. Shuli thought that Dave was really into the interview like he's never been before. Howard said the producer of the show told him that they were preparing for his appearance for days.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who told Robin that her speeding ticket was actually a reckless driving charge and she could end up doing jail time for it. Robin said that's why she needs Dominic to help her out. Another caller told Robin that he was able to pay his ticket without going to court. The caller also told Howard that he has Sirius and the only time he doesn't listen to it is when he's listening to Howard's show. The delay was hit during that call. Another caller asked Howard if he got any ratings information about the Letterman show last night. Howard said they'll be out later in the morning so he'll talk about them then. The caller was also wondering if Jay Leno is blue with envy that Letterman got the interview last night. That led to Howard talking about how Jay hired Stuttering John over there on his show to try and capture some of the 18-34 year old audience but he probably didn't realize that John was good because of what they did with him on his show. Howard didn't like that Jay was so sneaky about the way they hired John. The caller told Howard that he can't wait to see what happens with the Sirius stock today after yesterday's news that Mel was coming over to Sirius.
There were some Scores girls out at the free radio giveaway yesterday so Howard thanked Lonnie from Scores for that. Robin said it's weird to see him in daylight because the guy is usually in the dark strip club. Howard said there were a lot of callers who wanted to talk to him today. He took a couple more before taking a break. One caller gave Howard a review of his appearance on Letterman's show. Howard talked about how he had to unwind after giving away the radios yesterday so he and Beth had sex before he went over to Letterman. He said he was getting one type of pleasure from Beth but stopped her before he finished so he could give her some pleasure. Howard had to take a commercial break right after that.
Another caller asked Howard what he could do to get his girl on the show. Howard and the guys were trying to come up with some ideas for the guy. They came up with putting a shot glass in her ass and shooting quarters into it. Howard told the guy that if he could get her down there today, they'd let them come in. King of All Blacks called in and said that his wife is now in love with Howard after seeing him on Letterman. King said that his wife asked him how old Howard is. King wasn't sure so he just said that he's 50. He was right but Howard told him not to say that, he should be saying that he's younger than that. King was also wondering what kind of glasses Howard was wearing last night. Howard said that they're Serengetti glasses that he's had for a couple of years now. King was talking about the radio show that he wants to do on Sirius. Howard said he's seriously considering putting him on one of the three stations he's going to be programming over there. King wants to call it ''Ask that Nigga'' but Howard is thinking that it might be better if they call it ''Ask the Garbage Man.'' King doesn't like that one and said that he could call it ''Ask the King'' but that didn't work either. The guys spent a couple of minutes going over other ideas. King was talking about some of the things he would discuss on his radio show. He'd be giving advice to people who would call in with questions. Robin was asking some questions like ''How do I buy a house nigga?'' and ''I can't find a woman nigga, what am I supposed to do?'' King is prepared to answer all of those questions. Howard put him on hold os he could talk to Gary about these ideas he has.
Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to get his girlfriend on the show. Howard told him that the shot glass in the ass thing was still open so maybe they could do that. He put that guy on hold. Nicole Bass called in to talk about everything that went on yesterday. Fred did his Herman Munster impression while she was talking. The guys said that they didn't care for Nicole's straight hair. Howard let Nicole go a short time later and then took a call from Chaunce Hayden who said he got close to this CBS reporter Katie McGee and it looked like she had a lot of hair on her face. Chaunce said he was staring at her and noticed this ''thick fur'' on her face. Howard told Chaunce that she's really hot and can't believe that she's got fur on her face. Chaunce also talked about something that Sal the Stockbroker did yesterday. He apparently stole High Pitch Erik's satellite radio and gave it to someone else. Gary told him that it was just a goof and Sal had another radio for Erik. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he wanted to watch his Letterman appearance on his TiVo last night but the TiVo recorded the wrong episode. It got something on Trio instead of the CBS show. He never got to watch it because of that. Howard took a call from a guy who calls himself ''Slunt'' on Howard's bulletin board. He and Howard talked about the Sirius thing that went on yesterday after the show. The guy lives out in California so he was wondering if Howard is going to come out there to give away some radios. Howard said he didn't get to talk about how he wants his fans to know that it's possible he'll be out of there sooner than January of 2006 so they may want to get set up now for satellite. Howard wants to do some other shows to get the word out but he knows that shows like 60 Minutes would rake him over the coals and have all kinds of rebuttals from the religious freaks out there. Howard said he had a lot more to talk about on Letterman's show last night but he just didn't have time. Dave kept asking questions that kept him from getting it all out. Howard wants to go someplace else to get the word out but he's not sure where. Slunt suggested that he do an E! show special. Howard seemed to like that idea. There are other shows that Howard is thinking of doing but nothing is set in stone at this point.
Jeff the Drunk called in and congratulated Howard on everything that's been going on. Jeff also congratulated Artie on his F-Emmy win. Artie had already forgotten about that win and didn't know what Jeff was congratulating him on. Jeff had run out of things to say so Howard took another call from a woman who drives a truck for a living. She said she only gets to hear Howard when she's in the right area. Howard asked her a few questions about whether or not she's a lesbian. She said she's got a flat ass and 44 DD cup breasts. Howard wondered if he'd be able to get it up for her. It sure didn't sound that way after he talked to her for a couple of minutes. He had to take a break after that call.
Howard said that it would be kind of cool to have a vote for the person who should take over for Craig Kilborn. DL said he doesn't trust people in this country because they did vote Bush back into office. He told Howard that Variety reported that he brought ''The Late Late Show'' the biggest ratings of the season so he thinks he should get the job. He's not sure how he did last night but Monday night he got great ratings. Ralph called in and told Howard that DL is on Bill Maher's show and he comes off as being really smart. He's able to argue with people in a really intelligent way and he's always spot on with his arguments. He also said that DL is a good interviewer. Howard gave DL a plug for tonight's Late Late Show and for a comedy gig he has this weekend. Ralph was wondering if he smoked a little weed the other night because his eyes looked a little messed up. DL said that he didn't smoke the other night but when Howard asked him if he smokes once in a while, he said he does. Then he changed his story and said he never does that stuff.
Howard had an article about the FCC possibly cracking down on more things. He said that's why he's smart for making his move to satellite. Howard read that the FCC is going to try to regulate cable, satellite and even the internet somehow. Howard said it's great because there's no way the FCC can regulate him on a pay service.
A woman called in and told Howard that he looked good yesterday and he's growing old gracefully. Howard doesn't believe that and he thinks he's hit the wall in a major way. He said there was a team of people putting him together for Letterman's show and he has to thank them for making him look good. Howard said he's nice and thin but his face is too thin. There's something disturbing going on there and all he sees is ugly. The woman on the phone said that he's really not and Robin agreed. Howard thinks he should put a bag over his head after he sees himself on TV. The woman told him about how he bites his bottom lip and smirks when he makes a joke. Howard said that's actually him trying to eat his face because he thinks he's so ugly. He said that he thinks he hit the wall when he was born and literally shot out of his mother and slammed into a wall in the hospital. Robin and the woman on the phone kept telling him that he's really not a bad looking guy though. Howard joked around a little more about being slapped a yarmulke when he was born.
The woman on the phone asked Artie why he's getting so thin. Artie said he's on a bit of a health kick right now and he's losing a few pounds. Howard wondered how he does it eating the crap he eats. Artie said he eats just about anything he wants when he's there at the station but doesn't do that when he leaves. Howard and Robin talked a bit about what they did last night. Howard went out and got drunk after doing Letterman's show. Robin went to see Mario Cantone and had some fun at his show. Ralph called back in and told Howard that he really did look good on Letterman last night. Ralph complained about some of the nonsense that Dave did on his show last night instead of just getting to Howard. Howard told him the monolog was funny but they could have skipped some of the other bits they did. Howard let Ralph go a short time later.
Howard talked about some of the guys he was talking to at the Letterman show last night. He was talking to Biff and the announcer guy Alan Calter. Gary said he was talking to Rob Burnett and found out they're neighbors so they're going to get together for dinner sometime. Howard said he heard that conversation and realized that Baba Booey owns his own house now. While they were talking about that Fred was playing the Star Wars/Baba Booey theme song. Howard said he can't even watch Star Wars anymore because he starts to sing the Baba Booey song when Darth Vader comes on the screen.
Another phone caller thought Howard looked very odd on Letterman last night. He said he agrees that Howard may have hit the wall. The guy kept repeating that he thought Howard was ugly so he had to hang up on the guy. Howard had already agreed with him but he just kept saying that he's ugly. Howard took another call from a guy who said he was at the rally yesterday and said he ordered his radio. The guy mentioned that Tom Chiusano may have another place to go now that Mel Karmazin has announced his move to Sirius. Robin was saying that Tom was all jazzed up yesterday when he found out about Mel making his move. Tom came in a short time later and said that Robin's information isn't right and he doesn't know how she'd know what his reaction was to the Mel news. Howard interrupted him and got Vinnie Favale on the phone. Vinnie works for CBS and told Howard that they got great ratings last night with a 5.7 to Leno's 5.1. He wasn't sure who Leno had on his show but they beat him out in the ratings. Howard was happy to hear that and let Vinnie go a short time later. Gary came in and told Howard that Leno had Jamie Lee Curtis and New Edition on his show last night.
Robin told Howard that she does have sources who told him about Tom's reaction yesterday. Tom just doesn't realize that he's being watched. Tom came back in and told Robin that he called 3 people and let them know about the news. He was surprised at the news and said that Mel is a big time guy in the industry so it was a surprise to him. Tom keeps a picture of Mel in his office so Howard wondered if he's got a picture of him in his office. Tom said he does have a picture of Howard in there. As he was saying that Fred did his Tom impression and said ''...it's in the bottom of the trash can.''
Howard said he wished Tom could have been there yesterday for the big rally. Tom can't go to stuff like that because he doesn't work for that company. Howard told Tom that this was going to be big. He wants Tom to follow him there but Tom just stayed quiet through that. Hook Nose Mike called in and told Howard how great it was hanging out with the fans yesterday at that rally. Howard had to let him go because he had another F-Emmy to get to.
Howard wanted to talk to Chris about the Star Jones wedding. Chris was there so Howard wanted to know what he was thinking while it was going on. Chris said it had a whole ''Coming to America'' feel to it. Howard wondered how close he is to Star and her new husband Al. He wondered if Al was all over him. Howard played a clip of Star walking down the aisle for Chris. It's the one with Godzilla stomping down the aisle as Here Comes The Bride is playing. Chris said that Star looked very nice at the wedding and his wife is good friends with her. He said she's not that bad and didn't want to bad mouth her. Howard wondered if Chris thinks that this guy Al is really into Star. He wouldn't say anything bad about her so Howard wondered how he's going to do the Oscars if he can't bad mouth people. Chris said that he's not going to be doing dance numbers or anything like that. Howard is afraid that he's too close to people like Tom Cruise and Star Jones and won't goof on them.
Chris said that the whole Star Jones wedding was normal and nothing strange happened there. Both Howard and Artie laughed when they heard that and said that something strange did happen, Star got married to a guy they're not even sure is into chicks. Chris wouldn't go there with Howard so he ended up giving a quick acceptance speech. He thanked the Nigerian guy who scammed him and got him caught. He also said that the sex was great with that chick that got him caught. Howard said that he knows who the chick is but wouldn't say who she was. He joked that it was Condoleza Rice. Chris didn't thank his wife in the speech since he'd cheated on her. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Chris about the Oscars and some other stuff before wrapping up the segment. Howard was talking about how weird it was to run into the guy out at the Knicks game because he was hanging with Spike Lee who really dislikes him.
Ralph said he once sat next to Chris at a Knicks game and he cracked jokes the whole time. He said his jokes are better than watching the game. He was also telling Howard that Chris eats a ton of food at the games and doesn't know how he stays so thin. Chris joked that he mixes the food with crack and that keeps him thin. Ralph wanted Chris to do some jokes before he got off the line but Chris didn't want to do that. Ralph ended up doing an impression of Chris and told some of his jokes. It wasn't working very well though so Howard let Chris go.
One of the girls said that it was a work of art because of the way they have to make them fit. Howard said that Mark is invited to Scores the next time they go. Howard gave Mark a plug for his Mark Goldberg Prosthetics business and web site MGPOLab.com. The girls thanked Howard and Robin and the other guys on the show. They were wondering where Artie's ''Wah, wah'' stuff was today. Artie said he was too touched by it to do that stuff but did throw in a couple of half-hearted ''Wah, wahs'' for them. He started to get into it again a short time later but one of the girls shot back with ''Wah, my dad died 15 years ago and I can't get over it, wah!'' Artie told her that was uncalled for. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and gave Mark another plug for his web site before taking another break.
Mike Walker was on the phone to play his Gossip Game. Howard quickly got into that so here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Patton told Howard about some of the people he's met working out in Hollywood and how he really wanted to hate them. He said one of those people was Whoopi Goldberg. He said she was really nice to him even after he wanted to hate her. Artie joked that one person he met that he hated after thinking that he'd like him was Mike Walker. Patton was also talking about the fans that come up to him and want to shake his hand. He said one guy insisted on shaking his hand so he had to run into a McDonalds to wash his hands after that. He said if he didn't wash his hands he'd be afraid of getting some kind of disease that would eventually be named after him.
Howard gave Patton some more plugs for his ''No Reason to Complain'' special that will air on Comedy Central on December 5th and for a gig he has at The Largo in Los Angeles on December 14th. Howard and Paton spent a couple of minutes talking about last night's Letterman after Howard saw that he had another phone caller waiting to tell him how bad he looked on the show. Howard let the guy on the phone give him some crap about that before Robin started her news. The caller said that Howard's skin was all wrinkly and loose. Howard said that he doesn't think he's wrinkly though. Howard apologized for having been ''slapped a yarmulke'' when he was born. That led to the guys talking about Jaime Presley since she was the one who said that to him. Howard said he wants to come up with a C-word list for women he doesn't like. Once he moves to satellite, he's going to be able to use the C-word and he'll be able to announce his list. Gary put that idea in their Sirius folder so they remember to do it when they move. Robin got to her news shortly after that.
Howard asked Patton if the stories are true about Leah Remini and Kevin James hating each other are true. Gary told Howard he read a story that said the two of them get their scripts and immediately run to their dressing rooms and count their lines to make sure the other person doesn't have more than they do. Patton said they really don't care about that stuff and they don't hate each other. Artie joked that they had the story wrong and Kevin and Leah actually both hate Patton. Patton said all he knows is that Leah has a Galaga arcade game in her dressing room so he's always in there. Howard had Robin finish up her news after that. Fred threw in some of the George Takei clips that they were playing during yesterday's William Shatner interview. They wrapped up the show around 10:35am.
