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Howard returned live from his 2 week long vacation this morning. He started off the show saying that he hadn't spoken to any of the guys in the studio in two weeks. He said he was out of town until Thursday. He told them that he was in Anguilla. His kids went down with him and they left a little earlier than he did so someone snapped a picture of him at the airport down there. He described himself as being the only white guy in a sea of black people at the airport. Someone came in with the picture of him that was published in a newspaper while he was down there. Howard said it was a very candid photo of him and he looks old in it. He recognized the guy that was in the picture with him as being ''Smitty.'' Howard noticed another picture from down there of Carson Daly picking up a topless chick. He read the write up about the picture. It said that Howard looked like a ''poor second cousin of Weird Al Yankovic.'' He wasn't too thrilled with that description.
Howard said he spent New Year's Eve with Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. He said they met him down in Anguilla and hung out. He said the two of them seem like they're really in love with each other. Jimmy is still married and apparently told Howard that his marriage has never been better. Howard said that Sarah looked good in a bikini when she finally stripped down after wearing winter clothes for a while. Howard said she's really cute. Howard said when Jimmy told him that Sarah was at the pool, he had to run out of the room to check her out. He said she took a while to get out of her winter clothes so it was surprising when she finally did.
Howard said that Sarah needs some dressing lessons because she's got a great body to show off. He talked about how much she seems to love Jimmy and how they were acting down in Anguilla. Howard said he thinks they were banging just as much as he and Beth were. He said he'd tell Jimmy that he just banged his girlfriend and Jimmy would say that he'd just banged Sarah.
Howard said that Jimmy isn't fat like he thought he was. He said that he's got a double chin going but he's not all that fat. He said he wasn't really fit either, he just wasn't gross.
Howard said he wore his favorite blue bathing suit to the pool down in Anguilla. Robin asked if Beth wore a thong. Howard said she just wore a bikini, no thong.
Howard said he had a celebrity run in down there as well. He ran into Kevin Bacon and his wife Kyra Sedgwick and had lunch with them one day. He told Robin about how hot Kyra was and how he wanted to violate her mouth. He and Artie talked about that for a short time and what they'd like to do to her if they had the chance.
Howard said his vacation was great. He said there's not much to do down there so they just hung out at the pool most of the time. He said he went down the water slide with his 10 year old. He read a lot of books as well. He said he read ''Catcher in the Rye'' since he'd never read it before. He liked that but hasn't finished it yet. He said he read another book about parenting and one that Jason gave him for Christmas called ''Dogs Don't Bite....'' He described that to Robin and said the book was good. That led to Howard saying that he put a picture of his dog on his Christmas cards and put it up on HowardStern.com. He said that after he did that he got a lot of e-mail about being gay. He said he thought the audience would like seeing stuff like that but a lot of people thought it was lame. Fred said that about 30 percent of the mail about the picture was like that, not all of it. Howard read through some of it and people had some really negative stuff to say about him posting the picture. Fred said there were some nice ones though. He didn't have any of those to read.
Howard took some phone calls after those discussions. One guy called in and told Howard that his wife finds Howard to be one of the most handsome guys. He also asked for Artie to goof on Gary the Retard more when he's on. Another guy called in and was trying to talk to Howard but he sounded like he was wasted. The guy said he had a brain injury, he wasn't wasted. Howard ended up telling him that he should tell chicks that he's high instead of saying that he has a brain injury. They'd be more interested in him if he told them that. Howard cut him off as he was about to give them some more of his theories and regretted it after Artie goofed on the guy a little bit.
Howard said he got some high marks for his gifts. Robin was very impressed with the gift she got from him. He said he got her a bracelet that was specially made for her. She said she was flabbergasted when she saw it. Artie said that he used his gift over vacation. Howard got him 2 cases of Jack Daniels. Artie said he gave one of the cases to his Super who is a big Jack Daniels guy. Howard said he got a lot of the staff DVD players and they were mostly impressed. He said the one guy who didn't like that gift was Scott the Engineer. He said he heard that Scott was going around bad mouthing it. Scott came in a short time later and said he loved it though. Howard said that Scott got him a serving dish that was really nice. He liked that gift and Scott said his wife picked it out.
Stuttering John came in and said that Scott wasn't telling the truth. He told Howard that Scott was upset that the interns got the same thing that he got. Howard said the interns work very hard and he may have over done it with them. Howard said he also heard that Robin Radzinski wasn't too thrilled with the gift that he got her. She came in a short time later and told Howard that she doesn't drink. Howard said he didn't know that and got her a case of really nice wine. He said he never talked to her about that and hasn't really gone to dinner with her. Artie found it hard to believe that she doesn't drink. She said she's more productive if she doesn't drink. She used to drink but hasn't had anything in 16 years. Howard said he'll take her out to dinner or something. Radzinski revealed that she used to wake up with guys she didn't know when she did drink. She said that she once woke up bathed and powdered and she didn't remember it. It turned out it was two gay guys who did that to her. Howard had no idea that was the case. He said he'll take her to dinner to make up for it.
Howard said that Gary got him a gift so he could go eat at Leverhouse. He said he got a gift certificate for $250 but the bill ended up being $750 for four people. He said the place was great though.
Howard complained about the gift that he got from Mike Gange. He got a couple of Batman comic books that he's already read. He said he's done a lot for Mike and expected something a little better than that. He didn't expect something expensive, just something better than that.
Robin got Howard a leather bound book about George Washington. Howard said that he was his favorite President and Robin knew that. He talked about how great he was because he only stayed in office for two terms. He said that the country wanted to make him the king of the country but he turned it down.
Artie said that he got something similar from Robin. It was a leather bound book about baseball. He was very impressed with that and spent some time reading that. Howard said that the book he got was boring but it was nice anyway. He went on to say that the Osbournes sent him some nice stuff for Christmas. He and Robin talked about the gifts they got from them. Howard mentioned that Dr. Sal Calabro sent him a nice case of wine. Scott DePace gave him a weird gift that he threw away already. He said it was a fingerprint recognition thing that lets him log into his computer. He said he knows that it would just screw up his computer anyway. He said it was a cheap little piece of plastic and it wouldn't look good on his desk. He went on to goof on Scott about the Christmas card he sent out. He said they have the kid chopping down a Christmas tree in the picture. The kid is in a weird pose but his dog looks good. Scott said it was Photoshopped together so it wasn't like they posed them together. Howard said next year he'll probably have the kid holding a machine gun. Howard thanked him for the gift that he didn't like and let him go after that.
Howard said that Jeff Schick from IBM gave him a nice bottle of wine for Christmas. He said he doesn't drink that much at home but gives it to people because they seem to like it. He said Issac from E! gave him a Juicy sweatshirt that didn't fit him so his girlfriend is going to wear it instead. He said he didn't like that gift much.
Howard said that Kevin Bacon is one of those guys who is able to do stuff like rent a car down in Anguilla where you have to drive on the left side of the road. He said Kevin makes him look like a woman because he can't do stuff like that. Howard said he likes going down there because he doesn't have to do anything himself. He went on to talk about how he had to rent some snorkeling equipment for his kids and the stuff didn't fit so he was thinking that the guys down there were thinking to themselves that they hate him while he's telling them the stuff doesn't fit. Howard said that he loves Anguilla and has been there a few times now.
Howard said that Robin Radzinski was in Africa over New Years and she was in some place where there was no electricity. Robin Quivers told Howard about her trip to Spain over vacation and how nice that was. Howard said he wants to go to Italy sometime and sit around there and do nothing. He said that's what he likes about his vacations. He just wants to sit around and do nothing. Robin told Howard that she found a great restaurant over there. She said that she was over there with a female friend of hers. She spent a couple of minutes talking about that before Howard had to take another break.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he got an iPod a few months ago and found out that the iPod battery is not replaceable so you have to buy a new unit when the rechargeable battery dies. Howard said that he got the 40 gig unit and it cost him about $500. Howard said the thing is so amazing that people wouldn't really care if the battery dies. He thinks that if they told you up front that the battery will only last 2 years, people would buy them anyway. He said he finds the technology ''mind blowing.''
Howard said that he thinks that he should have gone over to meet Britney when he saw her out one night in Los Angeles. He said that she asked someone to ask Howard over to her table but he never went. He said that she should have come over to him. Now he's thinking that he could have gotten her because she seems so wacky. Ken told Howard that he'd probably be married by now if he'd gone out with her.
Stuttering John came in and said that Britney looks horrible in some pictures that have been posted lately. Howard said that he would still bang her though. That led to the guys talking about some other hot chicks. John mentioned Keira Knightley and some other chick (Piper Perabo) from the movie ''Cheaper by the Dozen.''
Howard kicked John out and got back to Britney Spears. Ken said that the guy Britney married isn't that good looking so it gives all of these normal guys hope that they might have a chance to date her. Howard had to interrupt that when he remembered a story about a woman who had allegedly hidden explosives in her vagina. Howard read the article he had about it and there was an investigator by the name of Beaver involved in it. Howard swore that it was a real article though. This woman was going to detonate the explosives while a flight was over Washington DC.
Howard and the guys were goofing on the Beaver guy and some other names they found funny. Howard was also talking about the security screenings they want to do at airports where security would be able to see explosives hidden in your genital areas. Howard said that he wouldn't want anyone seeing his penis and balls when he goes through the airport. Howard said that Star Jones could hide a tank in her uterus if she wanted to smuggle something.
Howard got back to Britney Spears again and asked Ken Baker about the marriage. Ken said that she is out of shape at this point just like John said earlier. He got sidetracked somehow and mentioned Ryan Seacrest and how he has a hot girlfriend that he wants Howard to ask him about when he comes in this week. He also mentioned that Paris Hilton and Britney Spears were hanging out recently in Las Vegas. They spent a short time talking about that. Howard wondered what happened with the whole marriage thing. Ken said he thinks that her mother was the one who was upset about the whole thing and told her that she has to get the marriage annulled. Howard wrapped up the call with Ken a short time later.
Howard said he watched ''Sex and the City'' last night and wondered if Mikail Barishnikov is good looking. He said his girlfriend finds him attractive but he doesn't get it. Robin said that he has a lot of grace and shows athleticism when he moves.
Artie said that he was watching a lot of football games over vacation and didn't want to even talk about how Daniel Carver beat him in the $25,000 football pool. Artie said he blew about another $2000 over the holidays betting on football. Howard was going to go over all of the football pool stuff but he was going to wait until after the break. He had the info in front of him and wanted to tell Artie how he did against the chicken but had to hold off until after the break.
Howard said the YJ Stinger people didn't want to do the presentation to Daniel since he's in the KKK. They were hoping for someone like Artie to win. Daniel said that he's down in Daytona Beach spending some of that money already. Howard wondered if he's going to invest any of that money. Daniel said that's about 3 years pay for him.
Gary came in and said that YJ Stinger did not decline to present the check to Daniel. They're still willing to come in and present him his $25,000 check. Gary said they'll fly Daniel up to get the check sometime soon. Howard asked Daniel what Daytona was like. Daniel said it's pretty white down there except when spring break happens and all of the ''nig****'' show up. Howard wondered what a modern day Klansman wears on the beach. Daniel said that he wears regular blue jeans and a shirt when he's down there. He said he's too old to lay on the beach so he plays bingo, goes bowling and goes on a cruise boat.
Robin asked Daniel if he ever takes a break from the hate. Daniel says it's not hate, it's love for the white race. Robin pointed out that he was laughing at some of Artie's jokes about lynching people earlier. The guys ended up talking about how there's a separate black spring break down in Daytona and it turns out to be quite a mess. One guy called in and said that stores close up during that time because it's such a nightmare. Another caller said that there are bottles going down the center of the road for miles when that black spring break thing happens down there.
Artie couldn't believe that he didn't even beat the chicken in this football pool. He was going to eat the chicken if he'd won. Howard said that Jason had some Sanders the Chicken news for them. Jason came in and told Howard that the chicken is in it's new home at a farm. She's really huge and has been scaring the others. She also just laid her first egg. Howard spent a minute talking to Jason about the chicken and wondered where the eggs come from. Howard asked Daniel if he knew anything about chickens but he had no idea. He said something about how Mexicans might know more about them than they do. Howard and the guys congratulated Daniel on his win a short time later and got him off the line. Howard said he's going to offer Daniel another $5,000 to go cover black spring break for them.
Howard said that Gary went to see the new ''Peter Pan'' movie and he didn't like it. Gary said the movie was a little creepy and not really for kids. He explained it to Howard but Howard noticed the shoes that Gary was wearing and asked if they were bowling shoes. Gary said they're just regular shoes and there's nothing wrong with them.
Howard changed subjects and asked Gary about his shopping trip to a Target department store while he was drunk. Gary said he was hammered on Sake and had a lot of fun doing the shopping. They spent a short time talking about that before Howard changed subjects once again.
Howard mentioned the company Christmas party. He had bad mouthed it before it even happened before vacation. Howard said he didn't want to bore people with the story but the space they were in was weird. The people were all spread out in the balcony at the Hard Rock Cafe. He said the Hard Rock is great, it wasn't about that. It was the fact that they were up in the balcony and not in the regular restaurant. Howard said Artie did his AC/DC thing but they didn't get it on tape. Howard said he and Artie were just killing some time before going to Scores to see some chicks. He said Stuttering John was weird because he left shortly after getting to Scores. John said he just wasn't in the mood that night.
Stuttering John said the entertainment for the night was a woman doing caricatures of people. The guys talked about how hot one of the sales girls was as she was doing karaoke.
Howard said he had some funny money left over from Scores when he was down in Anguilla and accidentally gave a cab driver one thinking it was a $20 bill. He said there must be one angry cab driver down there.
Howard said he got some strange e-mail about Artie over vacation. He heard that he was hanging out with High Pitch Erik. Artie said he was doing shots with people that were there in the bar.
Howard had Lisa from Sales come in to talk about her Karaoke performance. Howard asked her if she wanted to do some of that for them. She said that Frank (her boss) would get upset with her since they were all in a sales meeting. Stuttering John said that she gives great back rubs too. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Lisa but they couldn't find the song she performed at the Christmas party.
Howard was going to take some phone calls while they waited. Debbie Schlussel was supposed to be there but she didn't pick up. Chaunce Hayden called in and said he read that Howard had dinner with Steve Martin. Howard said they wrote it up in the paper. He said Steve wanted to do dinner with him back when he made his movie ''Private Parts'' but wasn't able to do it back then. He's regretted it since then. He said that Steve invited him out again after he mentioned it on the air not too long ago. Howard said it was great to meet Steve because he's been a fan of his for a long time. He said that he's a real nice guy and very gracious. Chaunce asked Howard what's going on with Steve's hair. Howard said he didn't see anything strange going on there, it was just grey hair. Chaunce said he's heard that he wears something up there but Howard didn't get that feeling.
Howard said he heard that Chaunce banged two strippers at the appearance that Artie made. Someone wrote in and said he saw Chaunce getting close to Lisa and Liz from sales. Lisa said she didn't do anything with him though.
Howard got some of the Karaoke CDs they had there but Lisa wasn't interested in doing any of those. She just wanted to do the Lady Marmalade. They had the regular version of the song so she just sang along to that. She was pretty good and Howard told her that he might have to bang her after seeing her performance.
Howard said they have pictures of Artie singing Karaoke at the Christmas party. They checked out some of those and talked about the performances. Howard had to take another break shortly after that.
Howard said that while they were on vacation there was an earthquake in Iran. Howard said it devastated the place even though it was just a 6.2 on the Richter scale. Howard said there have been quakes that large in California but hardly anything happens. He said that country has a lot of money and you'd think that they'd be able to build buildings that could withstand something like that. Howard also pointed out that Iran was willing to let anyone help except Israel. He said it's somehow become okay to be anti-semitic.
Howard said that CBS apparently paid Michael Jackson $1 million to do an interview with 60 Minutes. Howard said that they're paying to interview an alleged child molester. Howard also brought up the Crocodile Hunter dude Steve Irwin who held his one year old baby as he fed chicken to a crocodile. Howard said he thought it was kind of cool. He said Irwin is looking worse than Michael Jackson since he did that though. Howard said Jackson should do that himself and dangle his Prince Michael Jackson in front of a crocodile.
Howard said he keeps a daily calendar. Last year he bought a Staples daily calendar and thought he would just go back and buy a new one every year. He went back to Staples to get the 2004 calendar and it was really cheap paper and it wasn't as nice as it used to be. He said he heard that because of the forest fires out there, paper is hard to get and it's very expensive. He said he decided to try and get this thing from the company that used to produce it. He never got a response from them though. He tried going to a bunch of stores and none of them carried what he was looking for. He still hasn't been able to find what he needs.
Howard said that he watched this Sci-Fi channel special ''Battlestar Galictica'' mini-series and it was great but they left it open ended. He said he thought he forgot to tape something but it was the end of the 2 part series. He thought there was going to be some kind of end to it but it didn't happen. Robin said she saw it as well and thought the ending wasn't really the end.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Mayor Bloomberg and how his approval rating has been going down lately. Howard also said that he hopes that we'll be able to capture Osama bin Laden this year. He said he's the guy who admits to having something to do with the World Trade Center thing and we haven't been able to find him yet.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard to move his appointment book to something electronic. Howard said he doesn't want to do that though. He just wants to write it on paper. He said he likes it the old fashioned way. Robin said she likes to have her stuff in her Palm. Howard asked her what she would do if he told her to check something out. Robin said she would write something like that down and put it in her purse. Howard said that it would take her like 10 minutes to find something in that Palm if he asked her to make an appointment to go out to lunch with him or something. Howard said if he showed Robin his system, she'd fall in love with it and she'd be doing it just like he does. She didn't seem to think that would be the case.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who suggested that Howard not take any phone calls from Crazy Cabbie this new year. The writer complained about Cabbie and how he really has nothing to say when he calls in. Howard said he will still take calls from him though. Another e-mailer wrote in about how ungrateful Howard and the guys were when they complained about Artie's Christmas gifts. Robin said she actually used Artie's gift of a leather passport cover when she went on vacation. Howard read some other mail about the gifts. One person said they would have loved any of the gifts that they complained about. Howard said that Artie's gifts just weren't that good.
Stuttering John came in and said that the E! crew complained about how Artie gave all of them one bottle of champagne to share... last year. This year they didn't get anything. Artie said there's like 80 people working there and he doesn't know what to get everyone. Now the guys are talking about doing a secret Santa thing next year. Howard said he got a gift certificate to Gucci from Spike TV but there was nothing there for him to buy. He said he gave it to Beth so she could buy something.
Gary and John said that Howard's birthday was coming up soon so they were wondering what to get him. Howard said he would like something that he would never buy himself. He said he saw some leather case that carries two decks of cards when you travel. He told the guys to just go in on their gift and split the cost. Artie said he already bought something for Howard and took a big risk on it. Howard said that Robin is bringing him out to dinner for his birthday. Stuttering John was saying that someone is already pissed that they weren't invited but Howard said he didn't want to hear any more about the dinner.
Howard said he saw this wooden Scrabble board at Burgdorf Goodman that he'd like as a group gift. Gary wanted to call it as his own but Howard said he wants it to be a group gift. Artie said the gift he got has some major goofing potential but on the other hand, Howard might be really interested in it. Gary asked Howard how often he plays Scrabble. Howard thought about it for a couple of seconds and said ''Never.'' He said he did play it with Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman down in Anguilla. John said that he thinks he could beat them at that game but Howard said he doesn't think he could beat Jimmy. Howard ended up goofing on John about the words he'd probably use in the game and how he wouldn't stick to the rules.
Howard said the best gift he got was from Mark Grandy from his production company got him a gift certificate to Barnes and Nobel and it was great. He said he bought Al Franken's new book and a couple of Michael Moore's books. Gary told him he'd have trouble getting through Al Franken's book. The guys all spent some time talking about how wacky Franken and Moore's politics are. Howard had to take another break shortly after that.
Howard said that ''The Lord of the Rings'' movie is still bringing in a ton of money. He said they brought in another $30 million this past weekend. He said the Steve Martin movie is doing pretty good at a total of $86 million. Howard said he had a ton of stuff to talk about but he wanted to get to the news and end the show. He said his new year's resolution is to end the show before noon this year.
Howard said the guys were talking about how Elizabeth Hurley has some great boobs. He said KC had just seen a movie where she showed them. Howard said he told them that it didn't stop Hugh Grant from going out and cheating on her though. He said that he's surprised that Jay Leno never brought that up when he interviewed her after Grant was caught with a hooker. He did his impression of Leno and made up a conversation that could have happened. He goofed on her for a short time and then moved on to other stuff.
Howard said that Donald Trump will be on the show tomorrow. He's got a new reality TV show that he'll be promoting. Robin said that he's the father of the most desirable bachelorette out there. Howard said that Trump is smart and keeps her away from him. He went on to say that Britney Spears seems to be the best catch these days. He also mentioned Paris Hilton as being another great catch.
Howard had played one of Vinnie Favale's love tape clips during this discussion so he and the guys tried to figure out what he was talking about in the clip when he said that his girlfriend would benefit from something he mentioned. They replayed the tape and goofed on that for a short time. Artie did his impression of Vinnie and made fun of all of the stuff he was saying in the clip. Howard and Robin got in on that goofing around as well.
Janks said that he got in another call to a sports show that he's gotten in on before. He did some sports chanting and then threw in a question to the guys asking them if they suck ass. He got in another call to the same guys and just said ''Tom Chiusano sucks!''
Howard said Benjy has been busy with prank calls lately too. He played some of those after Janks got off the line. Benjy called in to a show as a nurse to a program that was discussing nursing practices. He started to explain a patient that had a Bukkake attack on their face. He called in as some other people to other shows and mentioned large cocks and jerking off getting himself cut off each time. Benjy also called in to C-SPAN and talked about Vaginosis getting himself cut off once again. He told the female reporter about how he had two happy endings looking at her. He asked her to open her shirt getting himself cut off again. One call he did doing a George Takei voice rambling about Bukkake and stuff. Robin and Howard liked some of those calls and got some laughs out of them.
Howard said he was working on the Bob Schimmel show yesterday. He said Bob is great to work with because he knows exactly what he wants on the show. He said he thinks the show will be good but they'll have to wait and see what happens.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who saw the Wheel of Beetlejuice on E! last night. He thought it was pretty good. Howard thought it was funny that Benjy lost another gig because that used to be his wheel. Howard said the girls were pretty good looking on that show which was pretty surprising. That led to the guys talking about how a lot of porno chicks are good looking these days. Howard said when he was growing up, the women in porn looked like Vinnie Favale.
Bobo called in and asked Howard how long he thinks Dana will put up with Artie's drinking. Howard said he doesn't know and started to talk about how Artie has a problem with the amount he drinks. He said he can't just have one drink. Stuttering John came in and said that Artie told him that he fell asleep with a pizza box on his stomach the other night. He had been drinking that night. Artie said that he's fresh and good during the week though. Howard said he's a functioning alcoholic, that's all. Bobo also asked Artie about Dana's dog and if he's getting along with it. Artie said that he got along with her dog just fine... but he didn't spend the night over at Dana's house at all.
Bobo asked Howard what Beth gave him and what he gave her. Howard said they exchanged a few small gifts, nothing that big. Howard spent a minute more with Bobo before getting him off the line. Artie said that Beth gave him a great idea for a gift for Dana. He said she suggested a spa gift certificate and now Dana loves the place.
One caller told Howard that he's an enabler because he gave Artie two cases of Jack Daniels for Christmas. That led to the guys talking about their drinking over vacation and stuff like that.
A caller told Howard that he saw the E! show with porn star Savanna last night. He'd never seen her before and couldn't believe how hot she actually was. Howard and the guy talked about her for a short time before Howard moved on to more calls.
A listener told Howard that he pleasured himself to the E! show 4 times last night. He started to repeat himself at one point so Howard had to get him off the line. He took another call from a guy who enjoyed the Wheel of Beetlejuice episode last night. The guy was impressed with the chicks from the Bunny Ranch whore house.
A listener called in and said he wanted to know what Fred did over the holiday vacation. Fred said the guy doesn't need to know. He said that he did some family stuff and didn't do much of anything else. Howard said he has to see that stuff sometime. He and Fred spent a minute talking about his daughter Tess. The phone caller asked what Howard and Ralph exchanged for gifts this year. Howard said he got one thing from Ralph that he doesn't know what he can use it for. He said he's going to tell Ralph that he's putting it at his house in the Hamptons so he won't see it.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and kissed Howard's ass a little bit telling him he's the King of all Media and all of that. Artie did his impression of her while Fred played the crow cawing in the background. She wished him a happy new year and all of that before Howard had to take another break.
A woman called in and told Howard that his movie ''Private Parts'' was on HBO this past weekend. Howard said he heard that someone just saw it in Spanish recently too. He went on to say that he's ready to do another movie. He wants to have a lot of control over what he does. He said that he was offered the part of the Devil in the movie ''Dirty Work'' but turned it down. Adam Sandler took that part after he turned it down. Howard was going to play Sandler's part to show what he turned down but they didn't have it available at the time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he swapped wives with another guy and had an amazing time. He said they traded and now they can't stop. He said that the trade was an equal trade for hot wives. He said that he didn't know the guy, it was his wife who knew the other woman and the guy. He went on to explain how he tried to get his wife and this other chick to do something. It never happened. The guy said that the other chick and her guy came over to play some games and stuff the other night. The chick brought some whipped cream over and said they'd see what they could use it for later that night. He said that his wife was actually on Howard's show about 4 years ago for St. Patrick's day where she got her boobs painted green. He says that she's really hot. Howard asked the guy what the girls were wearing and then got back to the sex discussion.
The guy told Howard they played some games, got into their hot tub and made the move. The guy said the hot tub is the way to make this stuff happen. He said they all got into the hot tub and said he's the guy who gets naked after having a couple of shots. He was giving Howard all of the details of what was going on. He said that both he and the other guy had average sized penises. Howard said it would have sucked if the other guy had a python floating around in the tub.
The guy said that he suggested to his wife that maybe she wants to perform oral on him in front of the other couple. The guy said the tub was the key to this whole thing. The wife started to give him oral and he suggested to the other couple for them to do the same thing. They did that and then the guy suggested that they swap women. He said his wife didn't have a problem with it and they swapped. He said he had the other guy's wife and she was good. He said that he was very comfortable seeing the other guy doing his wife. He said she was getting hot and he was getting off on that. He then suggested that the other woman go over and help get his own wife off. He was being generous offering to do that but he just wanted to see the two women do each other.
The guy said that the girls were doing each other in the tub and he eventually got to bang the other woman. Howard told the guy it was creepy to have the other guy around. The other guy was just going along with the whole thing. The caller said that you have to have a hot tub, even if you don't have a lot of money, that's what you need. Howard said the other key is to have a nympho wife. The guy said there were more things after that one night. The girls ended up sleeping together. The guy said that he and the other guy slept on the couch at different ends. Howard wrapped up the call and let the guy get in a plug for his web site DieselDickTshirts.com.
Howard finally got the clip from ''Dirty Work'' that he was talking about earlier. Howard played the clip where Adam Sandler was the devil. He said he's glad he turned down the part. Howard said that he gets awful scripts like that all the time and feels insulted when he gets some of them. Howard replayed the clip and goofed on it a little more. Artie said he signs a lot of copies of that movie when he does appearances so there are some people out there who like it. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard and the guys seem to think that the bruises that Jackson was showing the interviewer weren't done by the cops, he may have done them himself. Howard said that he's the guy that may need to be plunged by the cops. He said that might actually help him. Jackson was complaining about how his arms hurt from having his hands cuffed behind his back. Jackson also complained about the bathroom he was kept in for 45 minutes where there was ''doo doo on the walls.'' Howard said he doesn't know what that guy is up to but it doesn't look good.
Howard and the guys continued to goof on Jackson about the answers he had for the questions he was asked during this interview. He talked about how there was nothing sexual involved when he ''shared his bed'' with these kids. Howard said he was enjoying the interview. Jackson ended the interview after complaining that he was ''hurting.''
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he thought it was a great interview. He figures that if they asked the hardball questions, they would have come across as being hostile. Howard said he thought it was kind of soft and Chaunce has never asked hardball questions in his interviews either. Chaunce seems to think if they keep backing Jackson against the wall, he's going to put a bullet in his head one day. Howard responded with a ''So?'' when he said that. Chaunce said that Donald Trump thinks that Jackson is 100 percent innocent in this so Howard should ask him about it when he's on tomorrow. Howard said he doesn't believe Trump thinks that way.
Howard had some Christmas cards to go through today. Gary showed him the Chuck Norris card that has his latest wife and their young kids in it. Howard said he has to interview Chuck about that card because he'd like to know where Chuck's other kids are. Howard goofed on Chuck's turtleneck sweater with a cross on it.
Gary showed Howard some cards from some of the chefs he deals with from Nobu. There was a card from Rob Zombie and his wife and their animals. Their pets are all named after Frankenstein and other monsters. That led to Howard talking about a movie that's coming out soon that features Frankenstein vs. Dracula and The Mummy. He said he can't wait for that to come out. It's called ''Van Helsing.'' Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how much he's looking forward to it.
Gary gave Howard another card from Enrique Iglacias. Howard said it looks like he had his mole removed. Gary gave him a couple of cards from Richard Jeni and William Shatner who donated some money in their names for the holidays. Howard said he'd rather have them send him cash in his own name. Courtney Cox and David Arquette sent a card that Howard goofed on a little bit. Howard said he doesn't get how those two are a couple. Michael Buffer also sent a card and a small gift for Howard. Buffer's brother is on the card as well. Howard talked about how amazing it is that he makes a living off of that ''rumble'' saying of his.
Robert Goulet sent a card as well. Ozzy Osbourne and his family sent a card that sings an Ozzy song when opened. Howard said that's got to be an expensive card. He said that Sharon looks really beautiful on the card. He said she looks like Elizabeth Hurley. Scotty Crane sent a card so Howard checked that out. There was also a card from their rep for Cinema Play... Howard had no idea what Cinema Play was. There were a few other cards from people like comedian Greg Fitzsimmons and a record company exec who had a picture of all of their artists including Paul McCartney and Lisa Marie Presley among others. Finally, there was a card from Jack Lalane and his wife. They send along a newsletter that Gary went through and highlighted some excerpts from. Howard read some of the newsletter and goofed on that a little bit.
Howard played a quick clip of Sue Simmons, a local news anchor, screwing up another line during a broadcast. Howard said he can't even watch her do the news because he gets really nervous watching her because she screws up so often. Howard told J.D. To start taping her every day so they can catch her screwing up. He had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard whipped through the top 5 songs after that. He threw in a couple of goofy songs like Gary's karaoke song that he did a few weeks ago. He also threw in his own Karaoke version of ''Blackbird'' and Tom Chiusano's ''Let it Be.'' Here are some of the other top 5 artists:
Howard played a couple of song parodies after playing some clips of the real top five and the Karaoke songs. He then moved on to talk about the news that Britney Spears' marriage has been annulled already. Howard said that the guy who married her is already out doing interviews about it. Howard played a clip of an interview they did with him and said he sounds kind of messed up. The guy explained how he and Britney just decided to go get married for no reason. The show that was doing the interview had a lot of music playing in the background. Howard said it was like being in a disco or something. He suggested that they play music like that when Tom Chiusano comes into the studio. They tested it out when Tom came in a short time later. Howard asked Tom some questions and Fred played some loud disco beat music behind him, almost drowning his voice out.
Howard said that Tom actually went to Scores the night of the Christmas party. Tom got about 5 lap dances that night according to Howard. Tom said there was one girl who blew hot air in his ear. Howard spent a minute talking to him about that before kicking him out of the studio.
Howard said that today is the day that Tom is giving his big speech to the new interns. He said he'd love to have tape of that but they can't seem to make that happen. Robin said they have to wire someone to get audio of that. Howard said that Tom gets upset when the interns wear low cut tops and stuff like that. Stuttering John came in and told Howard a few things he's heard about Tom lately. He said he heard that Tom bummed out the sales staff when he toasted them and said that they should have had Krystal but they didn't do that well last year. Tom came in and said that they had Moet and it was just fine.
Howard asked Tom what was up with him holding on to employees money. He said that Gary did a personal appearance back in October and he still hasn't gotten paid yet. Tom said that's a company thing and he's not holding on to their money. Gary agreed and said it's a company thing, not a Tom thing. Howard said that it seems that they're carrying the company because there's a lot of money in the radio division. Tom agreed and said that they do contribute a lot to the company. Fred had the disco music playing the whole time Tom was in the studio.
Howard and John were asking Tom about his pledge not to pleasure himself anymore. He made that pledge after he survived his battle with skin cancer. The guys goofed on him for a couple of minutes before Tom left the studio again.
A listener called in to talk about the NY Knicks and their latest trade. They talked about that for a short time. Howard also said that Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman wanted to play him and Beth in basketball down in Anguilla but he turned that down. Howard said that the tiny Nils Loftgren beat him in a game one time. Artie and the guys were talking about the Knicks trade and how it should be good for the team. He gave some statistics and told Howard and the rest of the guys how it should work out for them.
Howard said there was good news today. He read that John Edwards' show ''Crossing Over'' is finally being canceled. Robin said her prayers had been answered. Howard said he didn't know how that show made it that long. He read the press release from the show and pointed out what a phony that guy was. Artie said that there was a great bit that Penn and Teller did where they exposed the phony psychics. They talked about that for a few seconds before moving on to other stuff.
Howard brought up the fact that Ray Davies of the band The Kinks was shot in the leg when he tried to chase down some guy who robbed the woman he was with. He ended up goofing on the guy and how bad some of The Kinks music was. He ended up playing The Kinks ''Superman'' song since he was goofing on it. They also played ''Come Dancin'' but only got through about 10 seconds before taking a call from Jeff the Drunk.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that it was good to have Howard back. Robin asked Jeff what he got for Christmas. He said thanks to Howard he got a surround sound system. Howard said they paid him for that contest he did a few weeks ago and he probably spent it all already. Jeff said the surround sound was only eighty bucks. He bought his mother a DVD/VHS player. She didn't get him anything. Artie did his impression of Jeff and goofed on his dirty ass a little bit. Jeff said he was so glad he called in. Robin asked him if he's spoken to Jenny since the contest. Jeff said he hasn't but she sent him a card.
Howard said that the ''Seinfeld'' DVDs are coming out soon so Jerry and Larry David can make a few hundred million more. Howard read that Julia Louis Dreyfus and Jason Alexander don't stand to make any money off the deal so they won't do interviews for it. Howard said no one really cares about what they have to say so it doesn't matter if they have anything to do with it. He said he doesn't think people watch that stuff anyway. Howard said Michael Richards is going to do an interview for it but that guy is unfunny off script. Howard said Jason Alexander is a good interview but Richards isn't.
Howard read a story about a woman who lost a $162 million lottery ticket. Howard joked that he lost that much when he got divorced. Howard said he doesn't know how anyone could live knowing they lost that much money. He said he would probably just walk around homeless saying ''I lost the ticket, I lost the ticket...'' He had to take a break right after that.
Howard started off the morning saying that he thinks he's getting sick. He said his stomach feels weird, like he's going to puke. He wasn't eating his breakfast and said that's very weird for him. He suggested that if he throws up during the show that someone clean it up.
Howard said that the headlines of the newspapers this morning said that he has hit an all time low in the ratings in New York City. He said the real fact is that a Spanish station has nit number one. He claims that Arbitron has discovered the hispanic community and the station is only number one in the Hispanic community. He said the show that's number one is doing their show in Spanish and if they were doing it in English, they wouldn't be beating him. Howard said that no one stole his audience, they just changed the methodology of how they get the ratings. He said that more Spanish families are getting the ratings books. He said it hardly matters to him because it's so absurd. Robin said the real news is that Aribtron is redistributing their ratings diaries to more of the Spanish community.
Howard said he doesn't care if he's number 28 because he's leaving radio in 2 years anyway. He said the news reporters were calling for him to comment on all of this but he waited until this morning to say anything. He went on to invite the Spanish station to start broadcasting in English to see how they do. He said the only reason this is news is because he's the only one who is known there in New York City. He said if Imus beat him, he'd be the first to say that it was news. Howard said he's a cash machine that built Infinity radio and he'll always be that way until he leaves the company. Howard said Arbitron did the same thing in Los Angeles with the same results.
Howard took a call from Crazy Cabbie who asked why we have to hear Spanish language radio stations at all. He went off on Arbitron about the ratings and complained about them for a minute. Howard said the Spanish station is only competing with other Spanish speaking stations and there aren't very many of them out there. Howard took a few other calls about the subject. One guy said that they don't seem to have as many regulations as Howard does.
Howard said that he doesn't understand why John Mainelli seems to hate him so much when he reports on stuff like this. He said they report on stuff that's not really news and maybe they do it because they're not ''real journalists.'' He had some stuff to say about John Hinkley as well. He said that he's been reporting on radio for over 20 years and can't imagine what kind of money he must be making.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she got a ratings book a short time ago and she doesn't think that they're all that accurate. Howard said the ratings books are accurate, they've just changed the way they send out the books. He said 5 years ago there were no Spanish people in the ratings, now there are. Howard spent a minute with her and moved on after that.
Howard decided to move on with the show and said he has Donald Trump coming in to talk about his new reality TV show ''The Apprentice.'' Howard said Trump's girlfriend is on the show and she's hot. He said he saw Trump's apartment as well and it was huge. He took a break a short time after that.
The phone caller told Howard he had a movie idea where they'd put Gary the Retard in the military. Howard told him he was boring and he was going to switch over to the Spanish station... He hung up on him after that.
Howard said he has invested in a Kobe Bryant musical. He played an audio clip where a black couple were yelling at each other while the guy was driving the woman home. He said that it was John Stamos playing Kobe. Howard said he thinks he'll make millions off of that musical. He said that it was actually off of a rap album from a guy calling himself Crazy Bones.
Howard had an album that someone sent in where a band takes popular songs and turns them into religious songs by changing the lyrics. Howard played a couple of tracks and Robin thought he was joking. He said it was no joke and the band Apologetix really does this. Their album is called ''Adam Up.'' He said he has to take the CD home and listen to it.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Britney Spears' marriage. He said that anyone who has ever touched Britney in their life is being interviewed now. He said that the guy who married her over the weekend must have banged her so good that she wanted to marry him. The marriage was annulled a couple of days after that.
Howard brought up the Mars rover that has sent back pictures of the rocky surface of the planet. Howard said that there's nothing exciting about the pictures they're getting. He said they could have gotten the same pictures from Arizona. Howard said there's no reason to send a space ship there because they have no way to get there themselves. Howard said it would take a ridiculous amount of time to get there and he'd probably be 100 years old before we actually get someone there.
Howard brought up the woman in Cleveland who was claiming she lost a $162 million lottery ticket and is now suing the woman who really won. Howard said they think that the woman who ''lost'' the ticket is a scam artist. That led to Howard and Robin talking about how the lump sum payment, after taxes, was only about $60 million. Howard said that's ridiculous and the winner should get the whole amount instead of getting screwed out of $100 million.
Howard mentioned a few other news stories. He said that George Harrison's doctor is being sued because Harrison's family claims that he demanded that Harrison sign a guitar before he died. Howard and Robin talked about that for a minute.
Howard read some e-mail they've gotten lately. One person wondered what happened to Robin's clevage that she used to show on the show. Robin said she lost quite a bit of that after dieting and after her breast reduction years ago. Some people didn't like Howard's comments about Ray Davies of the Kinks getting shot. Howard joked about how the robber probably didn't bother trying to steal from Davies because he knew he didn't have any money after not having any hits in years. A few other people wrote in about the comments they made. One person said that both Howard and Artie would hide under their girlfriend's skirts if they were robbed like Davies was.
Howard said people seem to think that he's endorsing Howard Dean but he's not. He said he likes Dean and some of the stuff he's said. He said there are some things he doesn't agree with though. Some people wrote in and complained about Howard backing him up. Howard said that he's not backing him but he is an intelligent guy.
Howard blasted through a bunch of other e-mail they've gotten lately. One guy told Howard not to puss out and to tell Ryan Seacrest that he sucks when he comes in. Howard said he has been through all of that stuff with Ryan when he was on one other time.
Howard said they lost a listener up in Boston. He read the e-mail he got from the guy. The guy said that the fact that Daniel Carver won $25,000 in the football pool drove him over the edge and he's no longer a listener. He's apparently upset that the money is going to someone who is so racist. Howard and the guys said that they're not happy that Daniel won either but that's the way the football pool went. Artie ended up tying with a chicken while the redneck racist won the contest even though he knew very little about football.
Howard said tomorrow they have 52 year old ex-Playmate, Lillian Mueller, coming in saying that she's still hot enough to pose for Playboy. They're going to check her out and evaluate her to see if she really is still that hot. Howard had to take a break after mentioning that.
The caller wanted every smile to be counted for Robin's laughs. Howard said those don't count and they have to count only laughs that they can hear. Robin giggled a few more times while they were having the discussion so she was up to about 11 a short time later. There was some controversy about how they were counting laughs because sometimes Robin would laugh at stuff for a long time. Howard put the guy on hold so they could get his number and call him back later. Howard also decided to let a couple of other people play the game. The next guy said he was going to go with 150 as his guess. Some of the guys thought that was a little high. Robin continued to laugh during the discussion so the count kept going up.
The caller had a story to tell about hearing the show about 10 years ago and how exciting it was. He said he had a wet dream that night after hearing the show and he'll never forget it. Howard had some audio tapes that he got where these women talk to you in different scenarios to try and get you off. Howard played one clip where this girl asks you to take your clothes off after bringing you into a back room of a department store. She talks about how bad she wants to have sex and how she's not always like that. It was getting a little too graphic so Howard had to cut it off. KC told him they had it bleeped enough though so Howard continued to play it. He gave up on it a short time later because Donald Trump was there waiting to come in.
Howard said that maybe Donald Trump wanted to get in on the Robin's Laugh game. He said he might wait to play the sex tape until Trump comes in as well. He had to take a break before bringing him in.
Trump told Howard that his new intern Julie is great and wanted to bring her into the studio. Trump told Howard that she told him she wants to be a writer but he thinks she should be a star. He said she's got a great face. Howard had her come in and asked her a few questions. He also told her that she could have been Trump's Apprentice. Howard asked Trump if he would call Julie up if something happened to his girlfriend.
Julie told the guys that she has a boyfriend who is a jazz musician. Trump told her that if she loves him, she should stick with him... but she should be careful. Trump and Julie had a little conversation and it sounded like she was impressed with Trump's building and didn't seem to think dating him was out of the question. Howard told her that she could be dating Trump and living in his building. Trump told Julie again that she should not be behind the cameras, she should be on camera. They used Benjy as an example of what a writer looks like.
Trump said he asked Julie if Howard had seen her face yet after meeting her. It was her first day there so Howard hadn't met her. Trump told her that he thought Howard would be meeting her today and that's exactly what happened.
Howard moved on after Julie left and got to Trump's new TV show. He explained what they do and how they pick one person from 16 to run one of Trump's smaller businesses. Trump said that they had more people apply to be on this show than any other reality TV show. Robin said that his show has the potential to give people a chance to go somewhere in the future unlike some of the other reality TV shows. Howard said one thing they have the contestants do is go sell lemonade out on the streets of New York. Howard said the women will win of course because they have sex appeal.
Howard said he enjoyed the show even though he didn't see the end of it. He said the guy who produced it, Mark Burnett, is the same guy who produced ''Survivor.'' He said you get a ''Survivor'' vibe from the show when you watch it.
Trump talked a little bit about his girlfriend and how he is thinking of having more kids with her. He said he can spread the wealth more if he has more kids. Howard seemed to think he was crazy for thinking that way. Trump said that he enjoys having his older kids around now that they can work for his company. He said he may marry his girlfriend Melania some day which surprised Howard.
Trump brought up a friend of his who married a really beautiful woman who had a baby and blew up to about 230 pounds. She blames the baby for her weight gain but the baby is now 11 years old.
Howard and Donald talked about their girlfriends a little bit. Howard suggested that they go out and have some drinks and go to a hot tub to have some fun (referring to yesterday's hot tub discussion). Trump said that he doesn't drink or smoke so that won't be happening. That somehow led to the guys talking about Rush Limbaugh and his drug problems. They talked about the Oxycotin use and how it can cause deafness. Howard let Trump talk about that for a short time and then got back to the TV show discussion.
Donald said that he was paid very well to do the TV show. He said he made over a million dollars to do the show but that's not why he did it. Howard tried to get back to the hot tub idea. He told Trump that he should tell the girls to get naked and get in the hot tub. Then Donald would have Melania do oral on him and Howard would do the same with Beth.
Trump changed the subject and said that he's heard Howard say that he's never heard Beth fart. Howard said that's not all, she hasn't gone doody in 3 years either. He said he's never seen her do either of those things. Trump said he's got the same thing with Melania. He said he's never had that with any other woman. He talked about Marla Maples a little bit and how she has moved out to Los Angeles. He said she's still not married. Trump was talking about how he goes out to L.A. To visit his daughter and he'll be doing Jay Leno's show next week. That led to him talking about how talented he thinks Jay is. He's very impressed with the way Leno can do his comedy material for an hour and a half without notes.
Howard asked Donald about defending Michael Jackson. Trump said he knew Michael at his peak and this whole child molestation controversy is a terrible thing. He seems to think that he's innocent but when he was asked by an interviewer one time if he would allow his son to stay with Jackson, he said ''No way!'' Trump said that Michael once said that he wanted to bring his son Eric to Neverland after telling him how beautiful he was. Trump said he's glad he didn't allow that to happen.
Howard asked Donald to give his list of really hot women. He quickly said Melania and Beth but Howard wanted a real ''Three Hottest'' list. Donald said that there are not a lot of really beautiful women out there. He went on to say that there's a woman by the name of Keira Knightley who is perfect. He also said that Paris Hilton is a very beautiful woman. He said he's known her for a very long time and has always thought that she was a very beautiful girl. Trump also said that one of the other very beautiful women in the world is Ivanka Trump, his daughter. He said he helped create her so he's very happy about that.
Howard and Donald talked about Ivanka for a short time. Donald mentioned something about Howard not being good enough for his daughter. Gary came in a short time later and said that Trump's people said it was time for him to leave. They also wanted them to mention ''The Apprentice'' airs after ''Friends'' on Thursday night. Trump told Howard that Les Moonves at CBS hates him and is putting up two episodes of ''CSI'' against his show. He said that would only happen because Les hates him.
Howard asked Donald a couple more questions and told him how good the show was. He gave him a couple of plugs and said that the show premieres on Thursday but airs on Wednesday nights after that. He wrapped up the interview shortly after that.
Howard and Robin ended up talking about how happy Donald Trump seems to be no matter what's going on in his life. They were also wondering if he was telling the truth about how much money he's making for doing that TV show. At one point in the interview he said he was making more than $2.5 million for the show.
Howard said there are some drinking games based on TV shows out there and his is one of them. He read from a book about how you take drinks when people come in the studio, 2 for chicks 1 for guys. There were a bunch of other things like taking 5 drinks when the wheel of sex is spun, 3 for when Fred talks, 1 drink for when Gary is shown on camera, 1 drink if Howard hangs up on a listener... etc. etc. Artie was ready to play but Howard told him he didn't think they were supposed to play the game. Howard read some other rules for other TV shows. Robin wondered why people don't just drink and not play these dopey games. Howard said that's too easy and people want to make the games more fun.
Howard was really feeling sick at this point and hadn't eaten any breakfast. KC came in and told Howard that all stomach viruses are caused by ingesting fecal matter somehow. Howard said that makes sense and explained what happened to him yesterday. He said he was trying to hold in his doody yesterday but stuff was starting to slip out on its own. He said he was on a phone call that he had to end early to run to the bathroom. He said he got there just in time and had quite a mess. He said he wet some toilet paper and cleaned himself up. He had his ass clean to the point that there was no brown on the TP. A little later he was looking at his long fingernails and noticed that they smelled. Instead of cutting his nails though, he started to bite his nails. That might be how he got sick.
KC started to talk about how people can probably get sick from just smelling farts which was going a little too far for Howard. He told KC to get out of there with that. Howard said that he must have physically eaten the doody that was under his nails or something. He said his fingers just didn't smell right after he'd gone to the bathroom. Artie didn't understand how someone could get sick from their own doody though. Robin told him that there's a lot of bacteria in there.
Howard said that dogs are always sniffing and licking each other's ass so he doesn't get why they're not always sick. Howard also said that Gary has kissed women back there and he doesn't get sick. He goofed on him a little bit about that and then moved on to other stuff.
Howard said that tonight is part 2 of the E! show with Playmate Victoria Zdrok. Artie said he watched last night's episode and they have a way of blurring the girls that's really good. He said that they do it in a way that it doesn't really look like she's not naked.
Captain Janks called in and said that Howard was mentioned in TV Guide this week. This woman Mother Angelica mentioned his name in an article. Howard thanked him for the call and moved on.
Howard took a few phone calls and one guy told him about Oxygen magazine which has an article about women's asses and they have some great pictures in there. Howard told the guy that if he wanted to see asses that he should rent ''Anal Invaders 3'' and got off the phone.
Howard played more of the tape he played earlier with the sexy woman's voice in a scenario where she's supposed to be having sex with you in a back room of a department store. Artie said that there's no way the chick is good looking.
Howard said he got a gift from someone who didn't put his name on it. Gary came in and said that he got the same thing and didn't know who it was from. It turned out it was from one of their writers, Mike. Howard said he got a cheap leather wallet and key chain that he didn't like. He said he's also gotten a bunch of comic books that he's already read. He said he would write a note to Mike about the gift that he threw out.
A listener called in and said he heard Stuttering John yelling at someone in the back when he called in. He also wanted to get in on the contest with Robin's laugh but Howard said that wouldn't be fair so he didn't let him play.
Howard said he got a note from a guy who wants to date Artie's mother after hearing her voice on the show a few weeks ago. They played a message she left on Artie's machine.
Another question was which guy they'd like to swap spouses with. John said he'd like to swap with Howard but wouldn't like it if Howard was banging his wife. He said he'd love to bang Beth. Gary said he'd let Howard bang his wife if he wanted to. He said he doesn't care. Howard said another question on this list he had was how much money they'd need to allow someone else on the show to bang their spouse. Gary said he might do it for a million bucks. Stuttering John said he wouldn't allow Artie to do his wife even for $5 million. John thought about it and said that Artie might be a bad lay though so maybe he would allow it.
Howard said another question was ''If you had to be another person on the show, who would it be?'' Howard said he thinks he'd like to be Fred because he seems to have a stabile home life. Stuttering John and Fred were goofing on each other a little bit after that. Howard said the next question was ''If you had to kill someone on the show, who would it be?'' Howard said it might be Benjy but Artie probably wouldn't live much longer so maybe he'd kill him. Stuttering John said that Artie once told him that he goes home, sits in his apartment and waits to die. Artie said he never said that, he said that sometimes life seems like you're just waiting to die. Howard finally picked Gary as the guy he'd kill off if he had to. John said he'd kill Benjy because he's not very social. Robin said she'd kill John. Artie said he'd kill him just to save some money.
The next question was ''Would you rather do oral on your mom or lose two fingers?'' Howard said he'd do the oral instead of losing the fingers. The rest of the guys said they'd rather lose their fingers. Stuttering John pointed out that Howard got sick just chewing on his fingernails, he'd probably be in the hospital for 3 months if he gave his mother oral. Fred played some clips of Howard's mother saying ''Oh'' and stuff like that as Howard pretended to be giving his mother oral. Artie said he would lose the two fingers before giving oral to his Mother.
Next question: ''Would you rather perform oral on your dad or lose hand or foot?'' Howard said he'd have to lose the hand or foot. He just couldn't do it. Howard said the next question was ''Would you rather be blind or have no feeling your penis?'' Howard said he'd rather not have feeling in his penis. The other guys said they'd rather be blind.
Howard said the next question was about whether they'd kill their mother or father first if they had to. Howard said he'd kill his father first. Gary didn't want to say what he would do. Howard answered for him and said he'd probably kill his mother first. Gary said that his father never bothers him so he'd probably let him live. He said he couldn't kill either. Artie said he'd probably have to kill his father even though he's already dead. Robin said she'd kill her father of course.
There was a question about whether they would give oral or kill their mother if they had to do one or the other. KC said he would kill his mother before he would do that. The other guys said they would keep their mothers alive. Gary found it fascinating that KC would kill his mother before giving her oral. KC said that he thinks his mother would rather die than get oral from her son. He said people wouldn't want to live after doing something like that.
The next question was about which guy they'd rather get mouth to mouth from on the show. Howard said Fred has coffee breath so he'd rather not get it from him. Stuttering John said that Fred would be the most clinical doing something like that so he'd let him do it. KC said his brother had to do mouth to mouth on some guy a couple of weeks ago. Fred said he'd take it from Howard if he had to. He said Howard seems like the cleanest guy.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said this game could go on for hours and he'd love it. He said that if they threw in a Wheel of Beetlejuice they'd beat the Spanish station. The guy also pointed out that Robin wasn't laughing since the contest started. Howard said he's right and she does seem to be a bit restrained.
Howard said that's what's good about Dr. Daniel Baker, he knows what he's doing. Savanna said that he did take the bump out of her nose. Howard said he heard that she cheated on her husband and he's mad at her over that. She said she's in porn though and lost sight of the rules. Savanna said that a friend of hers wanted to be with this one guy she'd worked with so she hooked her up and kind of got in on it. She said she was naked during it and kind of participated. She said that she bragged to her husband about it and he got a little upset. She said she's going to make up for it by getting another guy to have sex with her and her husband. Howard and the guys thought that was all backwards and she should be getting a bunch of chicks to have sex with. She said it's better if it's two guys though.
Howard wanted to see Savanna naked so he asked her to take her clothes off. He also wanted to play the game he played with Victoria Zdrok where she asks them questions and who ever answers it correctly gets to feel her up.
Savanna told Howard and the guys that she's up for five AVN awards for a bunch of movies she's done. Howard said he didn't care about that and had her take her clothes off. Howard said she looked really good. He then told her to ask them a question. She asked the guys ''Who directed Citizen Cane?'' Gary got it right and got to squeeze her ass. He gave her a small squeeze and said it was as firm as ever.
Savanna asked them ''What's the daughter's name on The Jetsons?'' Gary got it again but gave it to Benjy who was a close second. Benjy got to feel both of Savanna's breasts. Savanna then asked ''Who was the Formula 1 champion last year?'' No one knew. She then asked who directed ''Big Fish.'' Howard got it so he got to hug her and squeeze her ass. He said it was great as he was hugging her.
Savanna asked ''What movie allowed Halle Berry...'' Everyone yelled out ''Monster's Ball'' before she even finished the question. They disqualified the question because everyone said it at the same time. She asked ''What sport does Wayne Gretzky play?'' Everyone yelled out at the same time again so they DQ'd that question as well. Savanna came up with the question ''What year did World War II end?'' Everyone was yelling out again but Artie was awarded the win. He got to squeeze her boobs, hug her and then squeeze her ass.
Savanna had a game of her own to play. She went into her bag and pulled out her private parts mold and said that she wanted to know if she feels the same in person as she does in the rubber mold. The guys thought that might be against the rules of her marriage.
A guy called in and said that Savanna was involved in some strange thing where she and a bunch of porn stars were paid to have sex with a married couple. She said that wasn't exactly true. She said that there was something that happened but she wasn't paid. Another caller asked her which guy she's been with had the biggest penis. She mentioned David Copperfield as being pretty good. She said she's had some black guys and one of them was pretty amazing. She didn't say who it was though. Another guy said that the guys sounded really pathetic yelling out the answers like 8 year olds.
Savanna said she brought in bag of goodies for everyone this morning. She said the stuff is available on her web sites SavannaSamson.com or SavanaMakeMe.com. Howard wrapped up the segment shortly after that so he could get to Robin's news.
Robin laughed a few more times during her newscast but it didn't get near the 90 needed for the one caller to win. He had to come within 10 laughs with his pick. By the end of the show, at 10:15, Robin's laugh counter was up to 65. There were no winners in the game.
Howard started off the show talking about his theme song and how he and Rob Zombie only spent about an hour in the studio performing it. Fred threw in the porn clip that they started playing last month. Howard went on to complain about being sick yesterday. He said he was home by 11 and slept all day and all last night. He said he was sick and shaking the whole time. He had chills and was shaking. He said he finally ate this morning after not being able to eat yesterday. He said his dog woke him up one time yesterday, other than that he would have only woken up twice. He said he watched some of ''Tomb Raider 2'' when he woke up and hated it. He said Ralph told him that it was good but he doesn't know what he's talking about. He said that one was as bad as the first one.
Howard said Beth came over and woke him up. That's when he watched ''The Simple Life'' and said it really is a horrible show. He also said that those two girls on that show seem mentally ill. He and Robin spent a minute talking about that.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who was on a bad phone. It was so bad that Howard hung up on him. He then took a call from a woman who said she had the same illness as Howard on Christmas day. Howard said he thinks he got that sickness from eating his own feces. He talked about that yesterday. He said he had a whole plan for not coming in and called Gary last night to tell him he might not make it in.
Gary said there were some theories about why Howard was getting sick and they had to do with the fact that his birthday is coming up. He said that's not it at all and he's looking forward to his birthday. Friday night Robin is throwing him a party. Saturday night he's going out with Beth and might go see Robert Schimmel at Caroline's on Broadway. Howard said he went out to dinner with him the other night and met his wife. Howard said the show he and Bob are working on is coming along quickly. He said things are clicking into place pretty well with that.
Howard said his legs were weak from being sick and they were caving in on him. He went on to say that he has to go get a colonoscopy soon. He said that his doctor, Bob Baker, told him that getting the colonoscopy is better than getting operated on for colon cancer.
A listener called in and told Howard that Angie Everhart is on ''Celebrity Mole'' so he wondered if Howard talked to her about that. Howard said he did speak to her a few weeks ago but they didn't talk about that. Howard said she wants to come on the show to talk about a lingerie show she's doing on Super Bowl day. She's supposed to play football in lingerie with Nikki Ziering. He said he's going to have her in to talk about that and her back surgery.
Howard had a catalog for some Lord of the Rings stuff. He said they have some ''Lord of the Rings'' helmets that cost $500 each. He said that's some real geeky stuff. He read the description and said it's probably worth about thirty nine cents. The caller Howard had on the line said that Ralph would probably like that as a gift. There was also a sword that wasn't full sized. He read about some of that stuff and laughed at it all. There was a bunch of that stuff that Howard didn't know much about.
A listener called in and said that he was smoking some good stuff this morning. Howard said that he can't smoke pot anymore because the stuff is so strong these days. It turns out the guy who called in actually has a brain injury and wasn't smoking. He called in the other day and Howard thought he was high. He asked Howard why he has Daniel Carver on the show so much. He wondered why Daniel would come on so much as well. Howard said he guesses that Daniel just wants to get publicity for the Klan and he's willing to do it wherever he can. The caller also brought up Mancow and how he used to rip on Howard all the time. Howard said that he has spawned a lot of those type of DJs and none of them will ever be able to do what he's done. He went over that for a minute and got the guy off the phone so he could take a break. The caller asked if he could come on the show if Howard goes out to Las Vegas this year. Howard kind of blew him off and got off the line.
Howard said that he has spoken to Tom about doing another show but they're not sure about going yet. He said he heard from the Hard Rock Hotel people that they built a new suite. He said they put in a bowling alley in one of the suites. Artie said he'll check it out when he's out in Vegas doing comedy on the night before the Super Bowl. Howard had to take a break a short time after that.
Howard read an article about an online poll about people with the best and worst voices. Howard was listed on the worst voices list for some reason. Howard said he doesn't understand that. He said he thinks they're listing him because of the content of his show, not because he has a bad voice.
Howard said he heard about this medical condition where women have two vaginas. He said he's been trying to find one to interview but all he's gotten is a letter from a woman who has two uteruses and only one vagina. He said he's not sure if he's going to talk to that woman or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered what was up with Donald Trump's hair. Howard said he got a lot of hate mail about Trump after his appearance yesterday. He said he doesn't know what's up with the hair but he heard that he has a hair stylist who does it up every day. Howard said he thinks Trump is a good guest and his show was pretty good actually. He said he'll watch it again.
Howard read some of the mail he got about Trump and the first one was positive. After that it went down hill and people went off on Howard for having him on the show. Howard said he likes to talk to people like Trump who have lives like he has. He read a couple more e-mails about it and said he could go on and on with that stuff.
Howard got some negative mail about the comments he made about Naomi Judd during the news yesterday. She used the word Emotionality which Howard didn't think was a real word. It turns out it was a real word.
Howard read an e-mail about how disgusting he is when he talks about wiping and all of that stuff. The writer told him there's no reason for poor hygiene. Howard said he really thinks that he got sick because he accidentally ate his own feces. He explained how he had to shimmy over to the toilet the other day because he had to go so bad. He managed to get there in time and cleaned himself up and washed his hands.. Robin said that she doesn't understand his wiping with wet toilet paper. He said he does that to make sure he's cleaned up. He said once he got out of the bathroom he said he noticed his nails had gotten long. He smelled his fingers and they still smelled like doody even though he washed them. He said that he chewed on his nails and that might be how he got sick.
Howard read some mail about the E! show with Victoria Zdrok on it. E! has managed to only blur out the nipples on the show and you can see the outline of her boobs. Howard read a bunch of other e-mails and someone suggested that Howard not have Chaunce Hayden on the show anymore. There were a couple of others that he quickly went through before going to break.
Howard played a voice mail that Mariann from Brooklyn and High Pitch Erik left for them. They call in together for some reason and have a discussion about Howard. Howard said the two of them are very interesting and he could listen to them all day.
The next set of voice mails was from Hate Man who leaves a lot of racist messages, usually for Robin. He screamed about Kwanza and how he wanted to squirt his mayonnaise all over Robin. He also complained about the Today Show window and how people stand outside of it just to get on TV. In another message he went off on Clay Aiken and called him some names. He also left a message about how he'd like to give mad cow disease to all of the nig***s.
Howard said that Britney Spears' mother Lynn got very upset with her daughter when she said she got married. Howard read an article about how her mother had to fly out to Las Vegas to make sure it was annulled. The guy who married Britney was a 22 year old by the name of Jason Alexander. Howard said it's not the Jason Alexander from ''Seinfeld'' though. That led to him talking about Jason Alexander from ''Seinfeld'' for a few seconds and how he's a pretty good interview but Michael Richards is not. He got back to the Britney Spears story shortly after that. He said that Britney's mother was in the room for the annulment talks. The guy who married Britney has apparently signed some endorsement deal because of the marriage.
Howard read that Liza Minelli's estranged husband didn't show up to court recently. He's suing Liza for beating him up but he's still in too much pain from the beatings to show up to court according to the article Howard read.
Howard read through a bunch of other news articles. He said that Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson had their baby Ryder Russell Robinson. Howard talked about that for a short time.
Howard wanted to replay Benjy's prank calls that he played the other day. KC had to find the CD so it took a short time before he had them. In the meantime Fred played the KC Armstrong ''Ghost Busters'' song parody. Howard played Benjy's prank calls right after that. There were some new beeps in the call so Howard figured that Tom got his hands on it and had it censored. That led to Howard getting pissed about Tom obliterating the comedy in the bit and said that he's done with radio because of stuff like that. He said that Tom has a problem with the word ''Bukkake'' but no one even knows what it is. There is no definition for the word so Tom shouldn't have a problem with it. Howard told the guys that he's changing the word to ''Shmukake'' because that word does not have a meaning.
He got back to the rest of Benjy's prank calls to C-Span. Benjy made a bunch of them and talked about jerking off and stuff like that. After playing the calls Howard was asking Benjy what he did over their winter vacation. Benjy said he couldn't remember if he left town or not during that time. Benjy said he can't remember everything that happens like that. He said he didn't go on any trips or anything. Howard got pissed that he tried to have a conversation with Benjy and he said something so retarded. He said that Benjy's dream is to be a radio host and he can't imagine what that would be like. Howard gave control of the show over to Benjy for a minute. Benjy took a phone call and argued with the caller about whether or not Paris Hilton is hot or not. Benjy was yelling at the guy and Howard got sick of it pretty quick. He wrapped up the segment so he could take a break.
Howard said that Dick Gregory went on a 40 day fast to support Michael Jackson for some reason. Howard said he was on the same diet that Robin was on (The Master Cleanser). Howard said it seems more like the guy just wants to lose weight. Howard talked about him for a short time and how wacky that whole thing is.
Howard brought up a condom company called Jimmy Hats and how they have new condoms called Great Danes and Rottweilers since they're geared toward ''Urban youths'' and ''Hip Hop dudes.'' Howard said there are pictures of dogs on the condom packages and he hopes that the ''urban youths'' don't start banging dogs. He's also upset that young kids are getting laid so easy.
Howard said that this former Playboy Playmate, Lillian Muller, was on the show about 10 years ago. She was 42 back then. She just came out with a new calendar and she looks pretty hot to Howard. Howard said that some of the guys are saying that her head is too big. Howard checked her out when she came in and she was kind of skinny according to Howard. He said her jugs were huge though. Howard said that it's obvious that her face was airbrushed for the calendar. She said she always has that done. She said that she thinks that all pictures are airbrushed these days. Howard said that she doesn't look like her pictures though. He said that she looks about 20 in the calendar. He told her that it's like false advertising if she doesn't look anything like her pictures.
Howard and Robin told Lillian couldn't possibly be in Playboy again. She said that she doesn't want to be, she just wants to be a role model for older women. They told her that she can't be a role model if she's being airbrushed. Howard told her that she does look good but she looks good for a 52 year old. He said he hopes that he looks that good when he's that age.
Howard wanted to see Lillian naked but she said she wasn't going to get naked. She said she doesn't do anything like that without getting paid. Howard figures she doesn't look that good and is afraid to take her clothes off. She said that she got paid between $5,000 and $10,000 to pose for a Norwegian magazine last year. Howard didn't seem to believe that though. She wouldn't even get into a bikini for him. Howard said there's got to be something up if she's not willing to do that. She told Howard that she gets paid $1.500 a day to pose.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told Howard to get rid of her. He said it was the most boring interview he's heard. Another guy told Howard to tell her to ''get naked or get out'' of the studio. Lillian told Howard that she keeps herself good looking by not drinking or smoking. Howard told her that she may have done that but she still looks 50 years old.
Howard asked Lillian what famous guys she's banged. She said that she went out with Tom Selleck. She changed subjects and asked Howard if he would show her his wiener. Howard said he would show her his penis if she got into a bikini. KC came in a short time later and said ''Come on Granny...'' trying to get her into a bikini. Another phone caller said that if she took her bra off, her breasts would hit the floor. She said she only has a C-cup though so they wouldn't drop to the floor. A couple more callers told Howard that she was a boring interview and he should get her off the air.
Lillian said that she really hasn't had any plastic surgery or anything like that. She still refused to get into a bikini but she did offer to show off a little bit of her stomach. Howard told her she had a kick-ass body. He checked out her stomach and it looked pretty good according to Howard and Artie. Howard wanted to see her ass so she pulled down her pants a tiny bit. Howard said what he saw looked pretty good.
Howard gave Lillian a couple of plugs for her calendar which is available at LillianMuller.com or Playboy.com. He wrapped up the interview a short time after that.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard about Pete Rose and why he wasn't talking more about him. Howard said he just doesn't care about the story. The guy had a bit of a ''black accent'' that Howard was having some trouble understanding so Howard asked him to ''white it up a little bit.'' The guy was too boring for Howard so he hung up on him.
Another caller said that he was on Lillian's web site and saw that she was apparently in the Van Halen ''Hot for Teacher'' video. Howard couldn't believe that it was her. She came back in the studio and said that it was her as the teacher. She was also in Rod Stewart video ''Do you think I'm sexy'' video. Howard said he was making a mistake and had to apologize for not respecting her. He didn't know that she as the Hot for Teacher video. He said she was really hot in that video. She also told Howard that she did the pilot for ''Magnum P.I.'' years ago.
Gary told Howard that she was still talking to the E! camera after leaving the studio 10 minutes before, that's why she was still there in the studio. Lillian didn't know that the Van Halen video was so popular. Artie and Howard told her that it was legendary. Howard told her that she's actually aged better than David Lee. Artie and Howard were trying to get her to dance as they sang ''Hot for Teacher.'' Howard also told Lillian that he used to ''wank it'' to her in that video when it was popular. Lillian was rambling about a lot of stuff and talking a lot. She was talking non-stop through this whole segment. Artie was goofing on her but she wouldn't stop talking.
Howard asked Lillian about doing the Rod Stewart video and about banging Tom Selleck. She said that they had a romantic date back in the days of ''Magnum P.I.'' She was still rambling about a bunch of stuff so Howard would interrupt her and ask her stuff. He asked her about talking a rapist out of raping her one time. She said the best thing to do is to either come on to them or ask them why they have to do something like that. She said that another guy forced her to give him oral sex when she was in Paris one time. She said that it gave her a lot of problems after that happened.
Howard had ''Hot for Teacher'' playing while she was rambling. Artie did some impressions of David Lee Roth's parts while it was playing. Howard sent Lillian on her way a short time later. He continued to play the ''Hot for Teacher'' song as she was leaving. Artie and Howard talked about how great that song was. Artie was impressed that they were sitting next to a legend.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that if she got into a bikini, they'd put her on the cover of Steppin' Out magazine. Howard sarcastically said that he wished he'd called in minutes earlier. Chaunce seemed to think that she would have gotten into a bikini if she knew she could get on the cover. Howard got him off the line a minute later.
Debbie Schlussel (DebbieSchlussel.com) called in with one of her convoluted stories about some guy who's trying to turn over a conviction of some Al Queda guy or something. You could hear Howard roll his eyes when he heard that stuff. He had the ''Hot for Teacher'' song playing over her a little bit to drown her out. She said she wants people to check out her web site to read about this case she's talking about.
Artie said that he would bang Lillian now that he knows who she is. Howard played another Van Halen song, ''Panama,'' and talked about how great the band was. Howard let Debbie get in another plug for her web site before she got off the line. Howard played some ''Jump'' from the same Van Halen album (1984) and talked a little more about how great they were before taking another break.
Howard played a voice mail from Susan Muldowney (Underdog) who said that she finished 10th among the top 20 in the voting of the most original costumes. She also pointed out that 2004 is the 40th anniversary of Underdog. Susan also asked that she not be bothered at any of these parades she goes to.
Eric the Midget called in and asked Howard if George Malouf has called in yet. He said he was hoping that he would call in to talk about the Britney Spears wedding. Eric said that he called Malouf's PR people trying to get him to call in. Howard said he has Malouf's number and could call himself if he wanted. Eric apparently thinks that he's been banned from the show or something. Howard said he just doesn't have anything to say, that's why he doesn't have him on. Eric said he's been studying up on Las Vegas and would like to be on the show to talk about this stuff. Howard eventually hung up on him and moved on to other stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him if he wants his mother. Yesterday they were talking about stuff they would rather do and Howard said something about how he'd rather give oral to his mother than kill her. The guy who called in said he'd rather kill his mother than give her oral. Howard thought the guy was kind of creepy so he hung up on him. He said the whole day has been kind of wacky. He said he should have stayed home sick.
A woman called in and said her 35 year old brother had a colonoscopy around Christmas and found that he had some problems down there. Now he has to have surgery on his colon. Howard said he knows he doesn't have anything wrong with his ass though so he doesn't want to get it done.
Howard said that he heard that Jessica Schimmel (JessicaSchimmel.com) wants to read for her own part but he doesn't think that's a good idea. Bob said that they want her to audition for the part so she's going to do it.
Bob and Howard went out to dinner the other night and Bob is saying that he feels kind of sick just like Howard. It may have been something they ate. Howard said he does't think that's the case though. He told Bob how sick he was yesterday and how he slept for almost 24 hours.
Howard said that he wanted to tickle people asses with some info from the new TV show. Bob said the last time he was in this position he found out he had cancer. He had a FOX TV show in the works and that all went away when he got sick. Howard and Bob said that the script should be done in three weeks or so. Bob said that the writer used to work on Roseanne and some other stuff and he really gets it. His name is Bob Myer.
Howard said that their show is ''on the front burner'' according to the WB. Howard said he's kind of surprised by that because they have ''The Surreal Life'' in the works as well. Howard was wondering where they should put the show in the lineup. Howard said they need to look at a schedule to figure that out. Robin said that ''Smallville'' might be a good lead in. Artie mentioned putting it after ''Reba'' because that show does pretty well. Howard said the show will have a lot to do with Bob's daughter so it'll be like a young girl's show. They're going to ''slip Bob in'' on the show so they could put it after a girl's show.
Howard went through the schedule and tried to find a place to put Bob's show. There were a lot of black shows on that Howard didn't think the show would fit in with. He said they might have to put it after the ''Gillmore Girls'' or something like that. Bob told him they have to get the script written first.
Howard gave Bob a plug for his shows at Carolines this week, Thursday through Sunday (Howard is going Saturday night). Howard went on to talk about how Bob and his wife went out to dinner with him the other night and they had to bring the baby because they didn't have a sitter. Howard said that Bob was balancing the baby on a couple of chairs. It slept most of the time and only woke up for a little while. Howard said he rocked the baby a little bit as well. Howard said Bob pulled out his CD at dinner and it was dedicated to him which was touching. Howard said that there was one dedication and it was to Howard. Howard read the dedication and it was really nice and too much for him. He told Bob not to say anything more.
Howard opened a gift he got from Bob's wife. It was a nice Waterman pen. He said he really liked that gift. He also got some stationary. Bob got him a gift of a bottle of wine. It was a Neibaum / Coppola wine that wasn't a regular Coppola wine. Howard wanted to know how much Bob paid for it but he said that would ruin the whole thing. He didn't tell him how much it was. Howard said he'd give Bob some of the gifts that Artie gave him for Christmas. He took a break shortly after that before getting to Robin's news.
Howard took a call during the news from a guy who was going to jail for 6 years on Monday for a crime he committed. He said that he posed as a guy in a chat room picking up gay guys. He said he would pose as a cop when they came to meet him and they'd be so shocked that they would pay a ''fine'' right there. He said one time he made $600 in 5 minutes. He said he went back on the chat room after that and picked up more guys after that. He said he made about $12,000 in 3 weeks or so. The guy said that he got greedy one time and decided to do one more hit on a guy who had just won at a casino. He said he would always take these people down gravel roads to hide from the public. This one guy actually set him up and caught him. A guy he ripped off brought some cops with him and he was arrested. Howard said that was a pretty scheevy scam to run but it was kind of ingenious.
Howard and the guys talked about how weird it was that the gay guys would actually pay the ''fines'' that this guy was making up. The scam artist was apparently just arresting them for being gay. The guys goofed on the guy a little bit about the whole thing after he was off the phone. Another guy called in and said he thought it was greta what this guy was doing. He also called Robin a ''smelly Nig***'' before getting off the phone. Howard had Robin get back to the news after that.
Howard said he still has a stomach flu of some sort today. He said he did the same thing yesterday as he did two days ago. He went to sleep after the show and hardly woke up until this morning. He said he's still out of sorts because of this illness. Artie was trying to help telling him that he has to ''feed a cold'' and ''feed a flu.'' Howard said he's been eating since yesterday but still hasn't made a doody. Artie told him he's like a hot chick sleeping all day and not eating.
Howard's birthday dinner is tonight so he told Robin that he would make it to that. He told her that his legs are a little wobbly from this thing but he will get to the party that she's throwing for him. Howard said Robin makes fun of him when he gets sick but then she usually gets sick two weeks later. She said she watched him having colds all last year while she didn't get sick at all. She seems to think that her ''Master Cleanser'' diet helps out with that stuff.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told him to take the Airborne stuff they plug on the show all the time to get rid of his cold. Howard told the guy he doesn't have a cold, he's got the flu. Howard ended up giving his breakfast to Artie again this morning. He said that he throws it to him like he's a seal. Fred played a seal sound effect in the background as he was handing over his food.
Howard said he heard that John Gambling Sr. died recently. He said he was in his 70's and explained who he was. Howard made fun of the way the guy would over annunciate and how he made a fortune doing his radio show on AM radio. Gambling's son went into the business as well so Howard talked about him for a couple of minutes. He said that Gambling Sr. was pretty nice to him when he was first starting out. He said his son is a skunk and hates his guts. He said he was going to send his kids to a private school and Gambling managed to keep them out somehow. He said he'd lay off of him today since he just lost his father though. Howard did say that he wished the son would have died instead of his father. He said ''It's always the wrong Gambling.''
Howard said that Gambling's son is going to inherit all of his father's money and he already had a really nice house. That led to Howard talking about how his father never made much money so he knows he won't be inheriting much money. He said he remembers when his Grandfather Stern died and had just about nothing. He remembers getting about ten bucks when he passed away. Robin also talked about her grandfather and how he didn't have much money either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's glad that Gambling is dead because of what his son did to Howard keeping his kids out of private school. Howard said he probably wouldn't have sent his kids to the school anyway because they were so stuck up there. The guy said he hopes Gambling gets cancer and dies himself. Howard said he doesn't wish anything bad on Gambling though.
A listener called in and told Howard not to talk so much today and to let Robin talk a little more. He wanted to beat off to her voice. He said he was driving in his car doing that and he just needed to hear Robin a little more. That led to Howard playing the tape he was playing the other day where a woman is talking about having sex in the back of a department store with the person listening to the tape. Howard played along with the tape for a short time. He said if he was really in that situation he'd be worried that the chick had done the same thing with 20 other guys. Howard got a littler farther into the tape today where the woman was moaning and telling the person how good he is.
Howard said he had to pleasure himself yesterday when he woke up late in the afternoon. He said he was horny when Beth came home but she didn't want to have sex with him because he was sick. Howard said he had to get off to go to sleep so he had to go beat off. Beth had fallen asleep by the time he started to do it. He said he went over by his toilet and it took him about two seconds to finish himself off. He said it wasn't even sexual at that point, it was almost medicinal. He said it helped him get to sleep though. He said he's still horny even at the age of 49.
Howard said they have Steve O and his girlfriend coming in as well as Ryan Seacrest and Daniel Carver. He had to take a break after mentioning that stuff quickly.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to play a game where he asked Howard who was older, the rock star or Howard. Here's the list:
Howard spent a little time talking about the NY Knicks and how bad they're doing. He took some more phone calls after that. One caller said that WLIR 92.7 is going off the air and is being turned into a Spanish station. Howard said that's kind of sad. Howard said that the station used to be a great station. Howard said these stations are turning Spanish now because the ratings companies found the Spanish audience all of a sudden. That led to another caller bringing up the new laws about the illegal immigrants and how President Bush is allowing them to stay here. Howard had Scott DePace from E! come in to talk about that. Howard asked him what he thinks about that whole thing. DePace said that he's giving the illegals a 3 year amnesty and allowing them to stay here. Howard said that DePace can't ever disagree with the President because he's behind him so much. DePace said he does disagree with him on a lot of stuff though. Howard took another break right after that quick discussion.
Someone else asked that Benjy not be on the show anymore because his personality is so bad. Howard said he asked Benjy a simple question and he turned it into a nightmare. Howard said some people went to Benjy's apartment over vacation. Artie said he and John went over there and it wasn't all that bad of an apartment for someone not making much money. He said that there were a bunch of uncleaned bowls in his apartment. Benjy said that he puts them in his refrigerator so bugs won't get in them. Stuttering John came in and said that the apartment was disgusting. He said Benjy sleeps on the floor and there are boxes of stuff everywhere. He also said that the kitchen is about 2 square feet. Benjy said that he used to live in Manhattan mini storage and didn't have a bathroom. He said he's in the most luxurious place he's ever been in now.
Howard talked about how gaudy Donald Trump's apartment was on his new TV show last night. He wondered if he actually lives there. The guys figured he probably has rooms in many of his buildings though and that was just one of them. Howard said that he wouldn't want to live in a place like that because it looks like a hotel room.
Howard read another e-mail about the audio clip that he's been playing for a few weeks now where a woman sounds like she's choking on something large. The woman who wrote in said it makes her sick when she hears it. Howard said he thought it was Donald Duck when he heard it. Howard still didn't say where that clip came from.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he was going to be on Good Day New York. He said he heard that they were promoting someone as being ''The King of all Media.'' It turns out they were talking about Ryan Seacrest. Howard said he's no King of Media. He said he has to have hit books, radio shows, TV shows, movies and more. Howard wanted to bring Ryan in to talk to him about that.
Howard said that he read that Dick Clark refused to comment on Ryan recently because he finds him to be his competition. Howard thought that was quite a compliment to him.
Howard and Ryan talked about his radio career and how long he was in that business. Ryan said he was on a Pop station when he was only 15 down in Atlanta. He moved up to drive the radio station van. Howard changed subjects and talked about how he was the one who first said he thought Ryan was a homo. He said he doesn't really think he is gay though. Now he's been seen with a hot chick. Howard said she looks really good and he'd bang her hard if he had the chance.
Gary came in and said that the war has already begun between MTV's TRL and Ryan's show. They've told guests that if they do Ryan's show, they're not allowed back on TRL. Ryan said that his show airs in syndication around the country, mostly on UPN and FOX stations. He talked about the show and what that's all about. He also said he's taking over Casey Kasem's American Top 40 Pop countdown show. He said Casey is moving to the American Top 20. Ryan isn't doing a daily radio show right now. He's concentrating on the daily TV show. He said he hopes to get back to a daily radio show eventually.
Ryan told Howard their first guest on Monday is Enrique Iglesias. Howard wondered if Enrique is going to cancel if TRL isn't going to let him back on the show. Howard played tape of Enrique singing live but Ryan didn't believe that it was him. He thought it was someone from American Idol. Howard swore that it was really Enrique singing horribly on the tape though.
Ryan said they have some great guests showing up on his show including Adam Sandler, Sting, Ben Stiller, Bernie Mac and others. He said they don't need guests every day though. It's an entertainment news show so they can fill in the show with that kind of stuff when they don't have guests.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Ryan if he banged Jillian Barberie. Ryan said he did make out with her on the hood of a car one night but he didn't bang her. Ryan said he was drunk that night but he doesn't think that she was drunk. Howard asked him why he didn't bang her. Ryan said he didn't know if he would have had a chance to do that. Ryan said that he's not good at being aggressive and probably couldn't have gotten Jillian that night. Howard asked him if there was anything to turn him off from her. He said there was nothing wrong with her and if there was, he would tell Howard. Howard said that he'll probably bang Jillian some day after Beth breaks up with him. He said that Jillian told him that she would bang him if he didn't have a girlfriend.
Howard said that Casey Kasem must be upset with him taking over the American Top 40 show. Ryan said he spoke to Casey and he really isn't upset with him about it.
Howard asked Ryan about the guy who worked with him on the first season of ''American Idol.'' Howard said that he's seen the two guys on that show over in England and they look very much like Ryan and Brian Dunkleman. Ryan said that's why they were hired to do the American version of American Idol. He said he hasn't heard from Brian since he was let go from the show.
Howard asked Ryan about some of the women he's dated and how women find him effeminate. He took a call after that from a gay guy who said he'd like to find Ryan in a public restroom some day. Another caller asked Ryan why he gets Botox injections in his face. Ryan said he doesn't do that and he would talk about it if he did. He proved it by wrinkling up his forehead. He said he has wrinkles there. He did admit to having his eyebrows waxed but that was because his girlfriend at the time asked him to do it.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Ryan how horrible he is and how she can't believe he has a show. She said she doesn't understand how anyone finds him attractive. A few people went off on Ryan after that.
Howard gave Ryan a plug for his new show ''On Air'' which starts airing next Monday. Howard wanted to know how many weeks they'd give Ryan's show to run. Robin said she thinks they'll give him at least a season because they let those type of shows run for a long time for some reason. She said she doesn't think that it will be all that successful. Howard said he was thinking it through and said that daytime TV has gone kind of gay and it might just make it. He said it's going to compete against evening news when it airs around 5pm. Howard said he thinks it might have a chance though. He then asked Ryan if he's ever made out with a guy. Ryan said he's never done it and never had the desire to do it. Howard spent a couple more minutes with him before taking another commercial break.
Gary came in and said that there was one teacher who used to hang with her students. He said they all thought they could bang her but they didn't even know what banging was at the time. Howard said he had some teachers who would dress so you could see her panties and stuff. Gary said he had a teacher like that as well. Howard went on to talk about his Spanish teacher and how boring that class was. He said the stuff they would talk about was really boring.
Howard read a story about Tom Green on the internet. He's apparently over in Iraq to help relieve the stress. Howard wondered if he's relieving his own stress or their stress. Robin wondered if that's the best entertainment they can get for him over there. Howard said that he likes Tom but that ''Freddy Got Fingered'' movie was bad.
Howard read a story about Rosie O'Donnell and how she's going to have the first ''gay cruise with family values.'' He said she just won't go away. Howard read the article and said they're going to have seminars on adoption and stuff like that on the cruise. Artie started to do his George Takei impression saying ''Believe it or not I'm on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise.'' They goofed on that for a couple of minutes.
There was another story about Mountain Lions out in Los Angeles. A woman was attacked out there and was dragged by her face into the brush. Howard said that's why he only rides a Mountain bike in the streets of the city. He would never go into the mountains and get attacked by a Mountain lion.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if it was true that there's a picture in Us magazine where a guy's ball sack is hanging out. Howard said it's true and he saw it. Artie said one of his high school buddies showed one of his balls in a picture and it made it into the year book.
Howard said he got a letter from a guy who said that Artie once tried to rob a bank. Artie said he did get arrested for that one time. He said he did it as a joke to try and hit on this cute chick at the bank. Artie said he wrote that he had a gun and wanted her to put $50,000 in a bag. Artie said he signed his name to it figuring that she would think it was funny. She tripped the silent alarm in the mean time and started to stack up some money for him. Artie said he told her it was just a joke and took the note and crumpled it up. He left with his girlfriend and just missed the SWAT team showing up at the bank. Artie said that an hour later he was playing whiffle ball in the back yard with his buddies. A short time later he got a phone call from his girlfriend's house and they freaked out on them. Artie said he had to surrender and got arrested for the crime. Artie said he spent the night in jail and ended up getting the bank robbery charge down to a misdemeanor. He ended up having to go to court with his grandfather because his father had fallen and injured himself.
Artie said the judge read the note he wrote on the bank slip to him and embarrassed him. He was sentenced to do a bunch of stuff for the city. Artie said that it made it to the paper but he was a juvenile so they couldn't use his name. They did use his girlfriend's name though because she was 18 at the time. He said she broke up with him after that. They're still friendly but don't talk much these days.
howard asked him how many times he's been arrested in his life. He said he was arrested maybe 10 times in his life for various stuff. He said he hasn't been arrested in about 8 years now. Howard said he's always thinking that Artie is normal but he's not. Howard didn't think there was much of a joke in that note he wrote.
Gary wondered what the other arrests were for. Artie said there were two DUIs... He said the last one was in 1993. He said his mother had to come pick him up that night. He said she was smacking him in the back of the head after that. Then one time he got into a food fight at a Burger King where he got into a scuffle with another guy. He got arrested by the State Police for that one. Then there was a bar fight where he was in a bar and a guy started yelling at him. He threw a beer at the guy and the bouncers threw him out. They smashed his face into their knee. He ended up at the hospital and passed out. He was going to blow off work the next day at the restaurant his sister got him a job at. She didn't let him blow it off so he went in and as he was taking an order, his nose started to bleed. The woman at the table started to scream so he ended up getting fired.
Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said that it sounds like Artie really did want to rob that bank back then. Artie said he really didn't want to rob it, he thought he was just flirting with the chick behind the counter. Another caller said that Artie is a real degenerate and asked if they do background checks on people before they hire them. Howard said they obviously don't.
Gary said that Artie has had some low points in his life. They were starting to talk about that but there was a loud thud in the studio. It turned out to be a bunch of tools that fell out of the ceiling. Gary said that one of the E! cameras just flipped over as well. Howard spent a couple more minutes on that stuff and then took a break.
Howard said that Jackass Steve O and his girlfriend were there and the girlfriend isn't in Penthouse like the guys thought. She's in Hustler. Howard had them come in to talk about that stuff. They said that she's in Hustler but she's also going to be in Playboy. She's actually in the Australian version of Penthouse. Alyssa said that she's waiting to be in the U.S. version of Penthouse. She's also in some of the special editions of Playboy. She told Howard she's only 21 and she's just starting out in the business. She says that she's not going to do porn movies though. She's also a model and does print stuff and does some extra stuff in movies.
Steve O told Howard that they had to get special permission from Larry Flynt to bring her on the show. Steve also told Howard that he brought a stun gun with him but they took it away from him. He said it's a good thing he brought a second one. He pulled that out and set it off a little bit. He was hoping to grab everyone's hand in the studio so he could shock everyone at the same time.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and explained what happened with the stun gun thing. He said that they took the one away from him but they don't usually search ''celebrity guests.'' He said he thought Steve was a celebrity guest so he didn't search him.
Howard went on to ask some questions about Superman. The idea was that if they got the questions wrong, Alyssa would get naked and Steve would get stun gunned by her. Alyssa didn't get the first question right so she took off her shirt.
Howard asked Steve how long he's been banging Alyssa but he didn't want to talk about that. He said that they just had some hard break ups and they're not talking about that stuff. Alyssa said they're just ''dating'' right now.
Steve asked Howard if he saw his latest video ''Steve-O Video Vol, 3: Out On Bail.'' Howard said he did see some of it and it's pretty wild. He said that he gets choked out a bunch of times, jumps off a bridge, uses PCP and loses his mind. He uses cat tranquilizers and gets wasted on that. He teaches people how to cook it up on his video. Steve said he does coke on the video but they may not show him doing it. Howard read that Steve messes with animals as well but that's actually on his TV show.
Howard got back to Alyssa after that. He asked where she got the name. She said that Penthouse actually gave her the name. Howard spent a couple of minutes on that and some of the wacky stunts she's done with Steve. Howard then got back to the game he was playing.
Howard asked Alyssa what the square root of 64 was. She didn't know the answer so she said she would just take her top off. She said that she went to BYU for 2 years and still doesn't know the answer. She said she graduated at the top of her class in high school as well. She had to take her bra off since she got it wrong. They're a natural 34-D according to Steve O. Howard said the next question was for her pants. She didn't want to play for that because she wasn't wearing any panties. Howard asked her to spell Ski. She said ''Skee.'' Howard couldn't believe that she was at the top of her class. He asked her if she was ''On top of her class...''
Howard wanted Alyssa naked so Steve O told her to just go ahead and do it. Steve said he wanted to do a stunt for them but Howard begged him not to do it because it involved fire. He said the ceilings were too low in the studio. Steve was going to stun gun himself instead. Howard didn't want him to do it but he went ahead and did it. He was shocking himself for seconds at a time. All of the guys were laughing except for Howard.
Alyssa came in naked so Howard and the guys checked her out. Howard said she had a nice body and couldn't believe that Steve was banging her. Artie asked why she had her hands on her boobs. She said that the bikini bottoms were not coming off. Howard asked her if she would let the guys in the studio squeeze her boobs if she got the next question wrong. She said that was too degrading. Howard went on to ask her what DVD stands for. She hesitated for a few seconds and said ''Digital Video...'' and cursed which got the delay button hit. She came close enough for them when she said ''Digital Video Disk.'' She kept cursing though so the delay had to be hit a bunch of times.
Steve O stun gunned himself again for a few seconds and said he could smell his own skin burning. Artie was laughing hysterically as it went on. Steve wanted to do the fire ball thing that he was going to do earlier but Howard wouldn't allow it.
Howard gave Alyssa one more question. He asked her ''What does the DC in Washington DC stand for?'' after Robin suggested it. Alyssa said she didn't know. Howard tried to help Alyssa out but she had no idea what the DC stood for. Howard told her that it was ''District of Columbia'' but today it stood for ''Degrading Chicks.'' Howard said that was a win for them to be able to feel her boobs. He said if he asks one more, the guys get to feel her boobs, hug her and grab her ass. Howard asked Alyssa what a Meteorologist is. She said ''It's a guy who studies meteors.'' Steve O thought she was right but she was way off.
Artie was first up to feel up Alyssa. He went over and felt her up. He grabbed her boobs then hugged her and grabbed her ass. Howard was laughing as he watched. Next up was Benjy. Artie told her that he'd look like Brad Pitt compared to Benjy. Benjy felt her up, hugged her and grabbed her ass. He didn't want to let go. Fred went up next and did the same thing. He said her ass was really firm. Howard went next and had her come over to him. He felt her boobs and said ''Mmmm... nice balloons!'' Howard gave Steve a couple of plugs for his new DVD ''Steve-O Video Vol, 3: Out On Bail'' after all of that. Steve O said you can get the video at SteveOVideo.com. Alyssa also got in a plug for her web site ClubAlyssa.com. Howard wrapped up the segment right after that.
Daniel said that he was in Daytona on vacation and didn't bring his Klan outfit with him. He didn't have any of his special markings on today because his son had to send the outfit to him. He normally has more stuff on his because he was a ''Grand Dragon'' at one time. Howard and Daniel ended up talking about the differences between Grand Klegals and Grand Dragons. Daniel said that the Grand Dragon runs the whole state as far as the Klan goes.
Howard wondered what kind of campaigning a guy has to do to get that position. He asked if he has to tell the other guys he hates black people more than the others. Daniel said when he was elected Grand Dragon he was working at AT&T but got fired because of it. He said he wasn't making much money at the time.
A bunch of people came in to present Daniel with his check. There were people from YJ Stinger who were dressed as Hasidic Jews as a joke. Daniel said ''It's about time they give some of it back.'' He said that they looked Amish. The guy from YJ Stinger said that they're going to give double the amount to a children's charity as well because KKK means ''Kids, Kids, Kids'' to them. Daniel suggested that they give him $100,000 and that way they could give the children $200,000.
Howard said he's never seen Daniel so happy before. Daniel suggested that they put in a couple of ''nig***s'' next year. The people from YJ Stinger were saying that Daniel is not a winner, he's just a loser that they're giving some money to. A woman called in a short time later and congratulated Daniel on his win. She said it's nice to hear people like him talking about the way they really feel.
Howard spoke to the YJ Stinger people and they said that they were taking e-mail from charities who think they deserve the $50,000. They gave out an e-mail address of YJStingerKids@nveusa.com. They also paid Daniel with 1000 twenty five dollar checks to make it a little tougher on him to cash it. He'd have to sign his name 1000 times. Howard said Daniel doesn't care how they pay him as long as they pay him. Daniel thought it was pretty funny how they wasted their time doing that. He laughed at their efforts.
Howard asked if it was going to be a big group of people tonight at dinner. Robin told him it's going to be an intimate group of people. She told him not to worry about it.
Howard said that when Daniel Carver was leaving he said goodbye to Robin and wished him a happy birthday. He said that it was very surreal. He seems like a nice guy but he was just led down that path of hate and can't get out of it.
Gary came in and told Howard that Donald Trump's show did well last night and actually beat a ''CSI'' rerun. The new ''CSI'' beat ''The Apprentice'' when it came on though. Howard said that he's never seen the show so Gary suggested he get the first season on DVD since it just came out. Howard said he would have liked to have gotten something like that for Christmas even though he hates DVD box sets.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in to correct Howard and the guys about the ratings even though they had them right. He said that ''CSI'' crushed it in the second hour. He also told Howard he didn't like the show and thought it was kind of goofy. Howard wasn't sure if he was going to watch the next episode which is on next Wednesday night. Howard got him off the phone after he wished him a Happy Birthday.