Howard was listening to the Fiona Apple song that started off the show and said they were wondering what happened to her. Robin said she thinks some guy ''took her over'' and it ruined her career. Howard said she was like 18 when she had that hit album of hers. They spent a short time on that and said she really was good. Howard wondered if she made so much money that she doesn't have to work anymore. Artie said he remembers someone throwing something at her on stage at a Rolling Stones concert as well which may have thrown her off a bit. She was too sensitive for the business according to them.
Howard said they have the stars of ''Midgets Gone Mad'' coming up later this week as well as Playboy Playmate Devin Devasquez. They also have a guy who can give himself ''oral pleasure'' which is gay according to Howard. He said today they have a woman by the name of Rita who claims to have the world's best natural breasts. Howard said Artie currently holds that title.
Howard quickly talked about what a wash out the weekend was and how he was able to get his game room set up for his daughters this weekend. He said he got the air hockey game he wanted and the listener he got it from refused to let him pay for it. He said the sound and the scoring didn't work though. He had some other stuff set up and a bunch of stuff wasn't working in the house. His TV wasn't working and stuff like that. He said the TV would come on but the volume wouldn't go up so everyone had to stay silent so they could hear the movies they were watching. He said every system in the house had a problem. Robin said her satellite TV wasn't working because of the rain. Howard said that's when you need it most too. Howard went on to talk about how he tried to use HBO on Demand and that wasn't working either. He said you get so close to getting it to work and it just doesn't. He said he eventually just gives up and decides to read a book instead.
Howard said he had some TV show previews to watch from stations like the WB and they all sucked. He said he had people of all ages watching these shows and nobody liked them. He said they were just horrible. He talked about this Steve Harvey show they watched and how bad that was. He said he doesn't know what they're doing over there at the WB. He said they had one show called ''Tarzan and Jane'' and that might be okay. He said Robin would probably like it. Howard said the guy can speak perfect English but he can jump from building to building and has powers almost like Superman. Howard went on to talk about other shows where white families are living with black families. He said he doesn't get the shows. He wondered who was picking those shows. He said he could pick them by throwing darts at a dart board.
Howard said Jim Carrey's movie ''Bruce Almighty'' did great this past weekend. He said it did $86 million it's first weekend. ''The Matrix Reloaded'' dropped off to about $35 million in it's second weekend. Howard said he didn't like that movie and the word of mouth made it out about how bad it was. Howard said he has to go see Jim's new movie. Robin said she saw it and recommended it to Howard. She said there are some laughs in the movie. Howard said he thinks it has something to do with him coming on his show. He also said that Jennifer Aniston had better not think it had anything to do with her. Robin talked about how lucky she is to have gotten that part. She didn't have to do anything but stand near Jim Carrey and let him do all the work.
Howard said he got a copy of Britney Spears' movie ''Crossroads'' and watched the whole thing because Britney is running around in her bra and panties. He said he also watched ''White Oleander'' and loved Robin Wright-Penn and Michelle Pfeiffer in that movie. He tried to watch some other stuff on HBO on Demand but could never get it to work so he gave up on that. He said he read a self help book by Dr. Andrew Weil called ''8 Weeks to Optimum Health.'' He talked about how he just started reading the book and how the guy who wrote it was kind of fat and it gives some dieting advice so he's getting advice from a fat guy on how to lose weight.
Howard talked about how his one daughter is a senior in high school and how he has to see these creepy kids going after his daughter.
Debbie Schlussel called in to talk about the movie ''Bruce Almighty'' and how some of the women looked in it. She didn't seem to find the movie all that great but she agreed with Robin that the dog in the movie was priceless. Howard also talked to Debbie about the movie ''The Matrix Reloaded'' and how he didn't talk about how bad it was until after it opened. Howard said when he stays quiet after seeing a movie, that means that he doesn't like it. If he likes a movie he'll talk about it the next day.
Howard got off the phone with Debbie so he could talk to a guy about ''The Hulk.'' The guy said the movie was really good. He got to see a preview of it when he was out in L.A. recently. He told Howard he won't be disappointed with the movie at all.
Howard said he saw the movie ''Spirit'' over the weekend and enjoyed that as well. He said it was a kid's movie but it was actually good. Gary came in and said he liked it as well but said that it's definitely a kids movie. It's not for someone like Robin. Gary said Howard really did watch a lot of stuff this weekend. Howard said the weather sucked so he had no choice. Artie talked about how his buddy opened up a pizza place called Uptown Pizzeria right near his home so he was eating all weekend. He said he watched the Yankees for a little while until they got blown out of the water early in the game. Howard had to interrupt that discussion to take a break though.
Howard moved on to talk about how this guy John Minelli listens to the show and writes articles for the NY Post. He wrote about her diet revelations that she talked about last Friday. He wrote the article and made it seem like Robin was near death starving herself to death for 21 days and all of that stuff. Howard said his mother read that in the news and called him asking what happened to her. Howard said he had to explain to his mother what really happened. He said he told his mother that Robin was fat and didn't feel good, she lost some weight and now she feels good. Howard said that was just the short explanation he had to give his mother to get her off his back. Gary said that his mother called him with a weird rumor as well. She heard that Howard broke up with his girlfriend but that wasn't true. Howard got back to the article about Robin and how strange that was. Robin said it probably would have scared her if she'd read it too.
Howard read that Steve O from ''Jackass'' was arrested in Sweden for bragging that he swallowed a condom full of drugs. The cops arrested him and have him in custody. Howard read the article he had about that and said he may be in some big trouble over that.
Howard read some e-mail they've gotten lately. He said a lot of people want to know the recipe for the drink Robin talked about when she revealed her diet. Howard said he's going to get that and try it out himself. Someone e-mailed in and complained about Howard's views of Christina Aguilera. He also got some e-mail about Wendy the Retard's appearance last week. That led to him taking a phone call from Wendy who was back home. She said they had some trouble getting home over the weekend. Howard said he read what he had from Doug Goodstein who went on the date with Wendy and Gary the Retard on Friday. Doug wrote that Gary and Wendy went bowling and Gary was coaching her through the whole game even though she was beating him the whole time. Doug said they both bowled like retards and neither of them were very good but Wendy was doing better than Gary. He said Gary didn't understand the scoring but he knew that if he hit one pin, there were 9 left to take down. Doug wrote that Gary was very affectionate toward Wendy and his tongue would come out from his toothless mouth and end up on her face. Howard read that Wendy is going to get a ''walking machine'' to help her get into shape. Doug told Howard that Wendy said when she kissed Gary it felt ''Super-key-duper.'' Gary tried to get her drunk but her mother didn't want her doing that. Doug said that the final score of the bowling game was Gary 29 and Wendy 65. They apparently had a good time that day and they want to hook up as boyfriend and girlfriend. Doug also said Gary was kind of bossy about some of the stuff they were doing on camera. He said Gary was giving them advice about feedback and telling the lighting guy how to do his job and stuff like that.
Howard had tape of Gary and Wendy talking about Howard being Jewish and how it doesn't bother them. Gary (Baba Booey) was in and said that Gary the Retard is obsessed with the fact that Howard is Jewish (half Jewish Howard kept insisting) and brings it up all the time. He doesn't know where that stuff comes from though. Howard continued to talk to Wendy for a short time after that. She told him that she touched herself after being with Gary for the day on Friday. Howard told her he's glad she found someone like that. Robin reminded Howard that the two of them don't know how to have babies. Howard said they probably don't have to worry about them reproducing then. Howard wrapped up the call but Wendy had to do some karaoke to the song ''I'm So Excited'' and she threw in Gary's name. Howard had to hang up on her because she wouldn't stop singing. He said he'd love to hear the phone call between Wendy and Gary when she calls him later in the morning.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's going through a messy divorce. He was wondering if Howard could get Dominic Barbara to represent him. Howard told him to just grin and bear it. The guy talked about how his wife sold his house and took all of the money for herself. The guy said he was married for 5 years and his wife nearly cleaned out his construction business that he started himself. He kept asking Howard for help but Howard wasn't sure how to do that. He let him get a plug for his business but then had to bleep him because he wasn't sure it was a good idea to put that out over the air. Howard gave the guy a $500 prize courtesy of ''The Recruit'' DVD release instead. He took a break right after that.
A listener called in and said Charlize Theron was on Letterman last night and gave a quick crotch shot accidentally when she made a move before a commercial break. Howard went on to talk about how good looking she is and how hot Robin Wright-Penn is for an older chick. He said he's putting together a list of hot chicks and a list of chicks he'd like to give anal to. He said J-Lo is on the anal list because she's probably got a ''big anal.'' He said she wouldn't be on his hot list though because he doesn't think she's that hot. Howard said he's seen pictures of her with cellulite on her legs and ass so she can't be on his hot list.
Howard said Gary told him they're going to have a Scores party soon but he has to set a date after checking his date book. He said that Lonnie from Scores has an open invitation to bring his girls in anytime because he's so generous with their parties.
Howard said he's such a fool not to have put down the $1000 on that Annika Sorenstam golf chick. He said it was great for the guys who beat her but the 11 guys she lost to in that game must be embarrassed. Howard, Artie and Robin goofed on them for a minute before Howard moved on to take some phone calls. One guy brought up how VH-1 had a list of people with ''Bad Hair Days'' and mentioned Howard in that. Howard didn't seem to think it was that bad because he's had a lot of bad hair styles over the years. Howard took another phone call from a woman who saw a picture of Regis Philbin in The Globe where they show him taking his shirt off. Howard said the guy is 70 years old and no one wants to see that when a guy is that old. Howard said he thinks Regis is proud of the way he looks and won't be upset about how the pictures came out. The woman on the phone said Regis' boobs are bigger than hers. Howard thanked her for the call after that and said he won't be taking his shirt off to pose for pictures.
Howard took a call from a guy who said for the past 20 times he's had sex with his girlfriend, he has finished very fast and wondered how he can satisfy her. Howard told the guy not to worry about it because she's there for other reasons. The caller said he doesn't want to lose this chick. Howard said he can finish in one stroke sometimes so he suggests doing it like four times a day. The caller said he can't go more than one time a day though. Howard said he can still go a few times a day no problem. He said he's been going at least once a day these days. He also claims that Beth was going to call in and tell everyone that thinks he has a small penis that it's not that small. Howard went on to tell the guy to wear a rubber. Howard suggested Durex rubbers. He said the Extra Sensitive condoms make you last longer because they're thicker. He doesn't use them because they're too thick for him. Howard said he ends up talking during the whole act of sex but his girlfriend is the one who wants him to stop talking. He joked that he taped a session where he made Beth call him the N-word and then played the clip from the movie ''Storytelling'' featuring Selma Blair saying ''Nigga F*** Me Hard!'' over and over again. The caller asked Howard if his girlfriend likes giving him oral. Howard didn't want to talk about that though. The caller said he guesses he's not willing to talk about stuff like that. Howard ended up going nuts on the guy yelling that he was just talking about how he had sex last night and used a rubber. He said he doesn't give all the details of his sex life out over the air, just some details. He had to hang up on him because he was so annoying though.
Howard moved on and read an article about Prince and some woman that's suing him. She's claiming all kinds of weird stuff about him and their relationship. Howard said the whole thing was weird.
A woman called in and asked Robin what her problems were that led to her going on that special diet she talked about last week. Robin said there was a lot of stuff like pinched nerves, loss of feeling in two fingers, her joints hurt and she was falling down. The woman on the phone said that sounds like what she's having trouble with as well.
Howard read an article about how cops were staking out a McDonald's drive-up window because they were catching people smoking pot before going to the drive up and stuff like that. That led to Robin and Howard talking about some other drug stories. Robin mentioned a story about Crystal Meth and how that's supposed to be like cocaine but the high lasts for many hours instead of just an hour or so. She said people are using it on the job now because the high lasts so long. Howard went on to read the article about the McDonald's stake out and how the cops caught people with guns as well as the drugs. Howard said he thinks the McDonald's food is probably responsible for more deaths than guns are. He and the guys talked about the food at McDonald's and how disgusting it is. Gary came in and told Howard about this salad that he got at a Wendy's one time. He said the salad was good but the packet of dressing he got had 38 grams of fat in it. It was a tiny little packet and it had as much fat in it as a burger might. Howard had to take a break after that quick discussion.
Howard moved on to bring in this woman Rita who claims to have the ''World's Best Natural Breasts.'' He said she was really tan and wondered how she got that tan. She said she lives in Texas and the tan comes pretty naturally. She said she's part Italian so it comes naturally. Robin said KC is into tanning just like Rita is. KC said he's not ''into it'' but he does tan sometimes. She and Howard said he was out tanning on September 11th 2001 after the World Trade Center attacks. That's how into it he is.
Howard talked to Rita about her breasts and Robin wondered why she thinks she has the ''best.'' Rita said that she thinks they're better than the women who have been on the show in the past. She said that they're only a B-cup though. Howard said they looked pretty good in the bra top she was wearing. She claims that she keeps them so tight in a bra that when she takes the bra off, they hurt because they're so heavy. Howard wondered how that's possible because they're only a B-cup. She ended up telling Howard that she's not even a breast woman, she thinks she's an ass woman. She showed off her ass to the guys and Gary said it's not as good as she thinks it is. Howard thought it was pretty good but Gary pointed out some minor flaws where she needs to tighten it up. Howard had her take her top off a minute later and said that they've got to be fake because they don't move. She offered to lay down and show that they go flat when she lays down. She did that and the guys said they're definitely fake. Artie offered to feel them to see if they're real or not. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that if you put a flashlight up to them you can check to see if they're fake. Both Artie and Ronnie felt them and said they think they're real. Howard said they still don't look so real to him though. Ronnie actually held the flashlight to them and thinks they're real. Howard made Gary go over to feel them as well and he thought he felt something. Howard then had her come over to him and he also felt something. He had to feel them a couple of times to figure it out. Rita claimed that he was feeling a milk gland or something like that. Robin even came in the studio and felt something in there. Robin said one side felt real though so Howard had her come back over and felt them up again. Everyone in the studio was coming over to feel what Howard was feeling. Fred came over and checked them out. He said they looked great to him. Benjy also felt them up and had everyone laughing when he apparently tried to put his mouth on them. Howard asked if there were any experts out there who wanted to feel them up. Issac from E! came in and said her breasts looked real to him but he needed to do some further investigation. He got to feel them up as well. Scott DePace from E! also came in with a piece of glass to test them out. They did that test and said they were very firm for real breasts. They pressed the breasts against them and they flattened out like real ones would. The guys brought in the guy who does the Wood Yi voice on the show, Steve the Engineer. He also got to feel them up and said he thought he felt something in there. Brian Phelan from E! felt them up and said they felt real to him. Ronnie the Limo Driver came back and said they have to turn the lights out and put the flashlight underneath them to see if they could see the bag in there. Howard had Rita jump up and down a little bit. She kept saying ''tit'' instead of ''breast'' so Howard had to keep hitting the delay. Jason from the back office came in and felt them and thought they felt a little fake to him. Stuttering John also came in and said they're real. So did Will from the back office. He said they felt good, he wasn't sure about them feeling real. Mike Gange then came in and felt them up. He said ''These are fake!... I think so!'' He said they were pretty hard for real breasts. Artie did a hug test where he hugged her really tight and he said they have to be real. She continued to use the word ''tits'' which pissed Howard off a bit. Scott the Engineer came in to feel them up as well. Scott said they can't be real.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said they have to stand her on her head to check them. Another caller said that other radio shows are allowed to use the ''tit'' word but Howard's not. Howard said that's because the FCC has targeted his show and he's not allowed to use the word.
Howard said he's heard that Rita claims to have the prettiest private parts as well. She claims that when you see it on her web site, they are like ''architecture.'' She said it's really cute. She showed the guys and they said it really was kind of cute. She said her web site is at ThaiForYou.com. The Thai thing used to be her model name. She talked about that for a short time and continued to use the ''tit'' word. Howard wanted to know how old she was but she wanted him to guess. He said she looks about 30 years old which she took as an insult. She said she doesn't think she looks that old. Howard told her that she looks that old. She claims that people are surprised when she tells them she's 30 but he doesn't believe it. Howard said that he thinks her boobs are fake and she's trying to fool them for some reason. She said she's willing to go through a test to figure out if she has implants or not because she doesn't want people thinking she has implants if she doesn't. The guys also picked up on her accent and goofed on her about that because she sounds like she's from Brooklyn but claims to be from Houston, Texas. She said she's actually from New York but lives in Houston and has a Houston accent.
KC was in and said that he's sure her breasts are real even though he hadn't felt them yet. Artie said that the best way to check would be to have her bend over so they could see how they hang when she's bent over. Artie had her bending over so he could see her from behind as well. Artie said ''Those might be real... but they might be fake.'' Howard still wasn't convinced. Howard had (Dr.) Nikau (Sales Manager Bucky Nikau) come in to check them out as well. He took a look at them and said they looked real to him. Dr. Chiusano also refused to come down to feel them up. Robin said they really need Dr. Gary (the retard) and Dr. Beetlejuice down there to check them out. They weren't around though so Howard just wrapped up the interview and gave Rita another couple of plugs for her web site
Howard said at 9 o'clock all of the radio stations in the world will be getting the new Metallica album. He said he had a copy of the CD though and was going to play some of it before the other radio stations got it. He played some of the amazing sounding stuff from their new album ''St. Anger.'' Benjy told Howard that there was a huge scar on Rita's chest that he asked her about during the break. Benjy said she claims that it was a ''tanning accident'' though. Howard played a little bit of Metallica's music and then had Rita come back in. She said that it's not one scar, it's a few lines on her chest. She claims that she was allergic to a bronzer she used and scratched off with her fingernails or something wacky like that. Howard had to inspect it closer so he had her come over to him. Howard looked at it and said it wasn't a surgery scar. He said he believed what she was telling him but laughed as she walked away. They continued to talk about Rita's breasts for a few seconds but Howard wanted to hear more of Metallica's stuff. Howard said it sounded good to him but he doesn't care about their new stuff, he likes their old stuff. He also said he cares about the new remix of the Ben Stern song. He played a quick clip of that and said he's into that. He then played a little more of Metallica's ''St. Anger.'' He also had a song where they had Artie and a woman ''having sex'' where someone used clips of Artie talking about how he has to go to the bathroom in the middle of it. Artie said ''That's just not right.'' after hearing it.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said his wife freaked out when he told her he has Hepatitis C. He wasn't sure why she flipped out. He said he used to mess around with other chicks when he was younger and that's probably how he came down with it. He said his wife left him because she was afraid she was going to get the Hep-C from him. Howard told him the worst thing was that he has to yank his own crank now. After he does that he probably forgets about the wife anyway. The guy said he has dated some women but they all end up leaving after he tells them he has Hep-C. The guy said the divorce cost him $12,000 but Howard told him he was getting off cheap. Howard went on to ask him about how the guy might give a woman the Hep-C. The guy said it's a blood borne thing and he's not sure how it works with sex. Howard said sex used to be so much fun years ago when no one knew about this stuff. He said now you have AIDS, Hepatitis C, crabs and other stuff. The guy said he's afraid that he's going to die like his mother did when she had a liver disease. Howard told the guy to get one of those chicks from overseas. The caller asked if Howard had any prizes for him. Howard had a $500 prize to give away so he made up a game to play with the guy. He said he was thinking of a number between 1 and 7. The guy said 4 and Howard swore on the life of his children that 4 was the number he was thinking of. Artie said that was the same number he was thinking of as well. Howard gave the prize and talked about how women take half of their husband's money when they get divorced. Howard and the guys talked about divorce and what happens between people. He said a wife is like a really good friend but there's sex involve. People get sick of each other and have to move on eventually. Howard wondered how many friends Robin has from like 5th grade. She said she has one friend that she's had that long. Howard said that's amazing that she even has one because most people get sick of other people and move on. Robin and Howard talked about how people don't care about the vows they take and just get out of marriages these days. Howard talked about how 25 years was enough for his marriage and he and his wife had to move on.
A listener asked Howard if he ever misses being married. Howard ended up talking about how he misses his ex-wife Alison sometimes these days. He said he doesn't miss the marriage, but he does miss some things about his ex-wife. Howard said he doesn't miss being married at all. He said he's very happy now that he's with Beth though.
A listener posing as Dr. Phil (with a Puerto Rican accent) tried to do a bit where he talked to that caller about not sleeping with his wife's mother. Howard and Artie ended up doing their impressions of Dr. Phil for a couple of minutes before Howard had to take another break.
After the break Howard was talking about Rebecca Romijn-Stamos being on E! tonight again. He was saying that he likes the faintest smell under a woman's arm when he's with them. He and Artie spent a few seconds talking about how they really don't want to know that a woman has any ''plumbing'' of any type though.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered why any guy would want to sleep with their mother-in-law. Howard and the guy talked about how they wouldn't cheat with another woman for any reason. The guy who called in earlier said that he was Latin so he couldn't help himself from banging his mother-in-law.
Howard got back to Robin for a few seconds and how amazing it is she lost 60 pounds. He said that was up in Crazy Cabbie territory. Howard said that Cabbie's race car team ended up coming in 8th place in the Indy 500 over this past weekend. He had some info on the race but wasn't able to find it. He started digging through his paperwork and found some other stuff to talk about instead. He found one story about some wacky religion that he and the guys talked about for a short time. Howard and Artie were making up some of their own religious holidays and stuff like that. Howard moved on to talk about a story he read about why J-Lo and Sean ''Puffy'' Combs broke up. She claims that it was because Combs cheated on her. Howard gave up on that story and had Robin do her news. He never got to Cabbie's race team results from the Indy 500.
Howard said he finally got a tape he was waiting for where people speak Klingon in mental hospitals. He reminded everyone of the story they talked about weeks ago and how there are so many people in this one mental hospital using this phony language that they need an interpreter. He played some clips of the tape where people are speaking certain words. Howard and the guys tried some of the words. After hearing a few Robin said it sounds like if you just clear your throat, you're speaking Klingon.
Howard said he was trying to eat before the show but Gary was in talking to him and clearing his throat. He said he makes him nauseous when he's trying to eat. He said Gary tries to do it quietly but he can still hear it. He said it only takes him 2 minutes to eat his breakfast but Gary can't seem to wait that long. Howard said it's so gross that he might have to throw away his breakfast. Gary came in and said they don't even get to talk anymore, they're like an old married couple. Howard said they talk plenty and the throat clearing is just really gross. Howard said he knows that there's something wrong with him when he concentrates on stuff like this but that's the way he is. Gary said there are things he has to talk to Howard about in the morning and he has to stand around waiting for him to finish eating. Howard said he doesn't mind him coming in, he just doesn't want him talking and clearing his throat. Howard went on to say that KC has a bit where he has a survey to fill out about who's the most insane on the show and who's smartest and stuff like that. He said for the smartest he put down Fred who said that Gary's throat clearing is kind of gross. Howard told Gary that he knows he's human and needs to clear his throat but it's still gross.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked who would sell more copies of Playboy if they posed, Robin or Beth (Howard's girlfriend). Howard said he thinks Robin would sell more because she doesn't pose for anything like that. Beth poses in bikinis and stuff like that already. Another caller asked Howard what his psychiatrist thinks of all of these things that bother him. The caller said that every little thing like that bothers him as well. Howard said he thinks it means that it's things that they hate in themselves and that's why it bothers them so much. Gary asked Howard how long he's been going to the shrink and if there will ever be a ''graduation day'' from that. Howard said it's been three years now and he doesn't see an end in sight. He wasn't sure what his condition is called other than ''depressed and removed.'' Howard said he and his shrink go round and round in circles with certain subjects and he can see steam coming out of the guy's head. He said he can't even develop a relationship with his doctor. Gary wondered how long you're supposed to go to a shrink. Howard told him he thinks you go as long as you think you need to go. It's not a set time. Gary said he's seen some progress with Howard and he's not sure he still needs to go. Howard said he sees that there are still problems with him though so he knows he has to keep going. He said his doctor has helped him a lot though. Robin said she had a goal in mind when she was going to her shrink and once she reached it, she was done. Howard said he doesn't have any goals in mind. He said he has gotten some relief through his doctor's help. He apologized to Gary for his problem with his throat clearing after that.
Double A called in and Fred did his impression of him for a few seconds before the guy got to talk. Double A told Howard he saw the E! show last night with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. He mentioned how Howard had her in his apartment alone and didn't bang her. Howard said he has a thing against sleeping with other guy's chicks and wouldn't do her. He said he did mess with her a little bit talking about how she really doesn't love John (Stamos) and she said she really does. Double A said that Rebecca told the E! guys that she would have made out with Howard in the studio that day she was in. It would have just been a friendly thing though. Howard said that would be trouble. Double A had to get going after that. Fred did his impression for a few more seconds as soon as he got off the phone.
A listener called in and talked about how hot Rebecca was on E! last night. He pointed out how the E! camera man got a great shot of her ass as she walked in the studio. He asked Howard how great that ass was when he's touched it. Howard said he hasn't touched it. He has seen her topless in his apartment. He talked about that and how great her natural breasts are. Howard was thinking of reenacting the topless scene from his apartment in the studio and even do a fashion show where they'd have her changing into outfits in the studio. Howard talked about how great that was when he had Rebecca and his girlfriend topless in his apartment. He said even he can't believe that he had that going on in his apartment. The caller asked to be put on hold so he could hear the whole show. Howard did that for him after Artie goofed on the guy for sounding like Butt-Head from the cartoon series. He took a break right after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said her friend just had a great boob job and she wants to bring her in to have him check her out and also check out her boobs as well. Howard said he'd have them in. He asked if they could feel them to make sure they feel okay. He spent a couple of minutes talking to the woman and found out that the woman works at a Hooters restaurant. Howard said he's never been to one of those and wonders what goes on there. Artie said he's been to them and hasn't ever seen a family eating out at one of them but Gary said he's seen people bring their kids. The woman said that she's seen young boys with their fathers there but not really families. The woman said she could be to the studio in about 40 minutes from where she was coming from. He asked her what she'd be wearing when she got there. He told her that she needed to get a password to get in and played some of the Klingon tapes that he was playing earlier as the passwords she needed.
Cabbie said he went out to meet his whole family over the weekend. He has also been officially adopted by his birth mother and her husband. He got to meet some brothers and sisters and some other people in the family. He said they all seem to really like him and he's very happy that Howard helped hook him up with his long lost mother. Robin and Howard talked about this story about Jim Fossil's long lost kid and how he went out and found the guy. Cabbie said he doesn't get along with his adoptive parents these days and hasn't spoken to them in years.
Cabbie got in a plug for The Cane Show which he appears on in the afternoons. Howard said something must have happened where he's not allowed to say the Cane and Cabbie show. That led to the guys talking about the new Program Director at the station. Howard said he thought the new Program Director was blind or something. He was apparently staring at a wall while Howard was talking to him so he wondered if he's got vision problems. Gary said he had the same problem and wasn't sure what was up with that but he doesn't think he's blind. Howard went on to talk about how he hopes this guy can do something at the station but he doesn't think he'll be able to because Tom Chiusano is such a nightmare to work for. He said the previous Program Director, Steve Kingston, told him what a nightmare it was working for Tom. Howard said the Program Director they have now used to go by the name ''Chuck Roast'' out in L.A. and goofed on that a little bit. Howard was talking about how cheap Tom is and Gary told him someone gave him an analogy about how Tom works and said something like ''Tom gives you a box of wooden matches and wants you to build a house.'' Gary said that Tom also freaked out and wants to get rid of a guest they have coming up. Howard said the guy who can give himself oral is not allowed to do that when he comes in because Tom freaked and went to the lawyers about it. Howard said that Tom is pushing him into an early retirement from that station. He said he can't wait to get away from Tom and go do something somewhere else in some other medium. Howard said Tom is a really nice guy but he's the biggest dimwit. Howard said they need a different General Manager there at the station because that job is very important.
Gary and Howard talked about how this new Program Director, Chuck Roast, doesn't seem like the kind of guy who will be able to confront Tom over stuff or stand up to the record companies. Gary said Steve Kingston was great at that stuff and could get what he wanted from record companies that dicked him around. Gary and Howard talked about how it looked when Tom was walking the new PD around the station yesterday. Howard said the new guy looked like a ''lost intern'' as Tom was dragging him around. Artie said he almost asked the guy for a cup of coffee yesterday. Howard said he thinks the problem with the ratings is Tom, not the program directors who can't do what they want to do because of the non-existent budget. Howard talked about how Tom has gotten rid of a bunch of the people who work in the programming department. They said the new guy is going to have to try and control Crazy Cabbie now. Gary said that Steve Kingston was able to keep him under control somehow but this new guy doesn't seem like the type of guy who will be able to do that.
Howard said he blew off Tom and ''Chuck Roast'' yesterday but he said he'd be willing to have a meeting with him sometime if they set up an appointment. Robin said she was even thrown for a loop when she was introduced to the guy. Tom came in a short time later and said that ''Chuck'' asked him to take him around and introduce him to the people at the station. Howard told Tom it looked like a father dragging around his son introducing him to people. Howard asked Tom who will be handling Cabbie. Tom will probably be handling those duties. Howard seems to think that Cabbie's days are numbered there if that's the case. Howard asked Tom if the gave ''Chuck Roast'' his budget news yet. Tom said they haven't had that talk yet and Howard said that's because there is no budget. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Tom for a few seconds. Howard then asked Tom what was up with him getting rid of this guest who can please himself orally. Tom told Howard the bit was ''flawed'' and they just can't do it on the air. Howard told Tom he's out of there in 2 and a half years because of stuff like that. He said he's marking off the days on a wall in his apartment until he gets out of there.
Tom was getting ready to leave and Howard pointed out that Tom yelled at KC for wearing his hat backwards the other day. That's the same guy who had just told Howard that he likes to have fun more than anyone at the station. Artie also pointed out that there is doody on the toilets at the station. Howard said Tom is kind of ''Rock 'n Roll'' if he leaves doody on the toilets. They continued to goof on him for a few minutes before Howard had to take a commercial break.
Artie said he went home yesterday and bought a mocha cake and ate the whole thing himself. He said he went to the supermarket to get some newspapers and went to the bakery section and got this cake that he likes. Howard told Artie about this fudge he had with chocolate and peanut butter in it that Artie would love. Artie was talking about how great chocolate and peanut butter is together. Howard said his girlfriend loves it too and he doesn't know how she stays so thin because she eats a lot of chocolate. They got back to Artie's diet and talked about his breakfast again. He said he had two eggs, fried potatoes and rye toast. He said the other guys he was there with were still eating so he felt uncomfortable and kept eating. John said that Artie had a Coke with his breakfast as well. Artie said that he loves regular Coke with a lot of ice in it. He said he hates the diet Coke though. Howard gave Artie a goal for the week and said that Artie should have a glass of ice water instead of Coke. Artie said he was already depressed that he can't have a Coke today if that's what he's going to do. Howard also heard that Artie buttered the crackers at the table. Artie claims it's because he gets bored and starts playing with that stuff.
Artie told them about how he ate this chicken cutlet sandwich when he got home. Then he sat down to watch ESPN to get the sports scores and felt he had to eat something while he was doing that. Then he started eating this mocha cake he bought. He ate half of it and then took a nap. When he woke up from the nap he could barely move because he was so bloated. He made a few phone calls after that. He said the calls are about business but it's all pointless stuff. Then he ate the rest of that cake for dinner. The guys thought he was lying and had to have eaten more but he swore that he didn't. He said he ran a mile on a treadmill after that. Then he went up to watch the Yankees and smoked a cigarette and had a Coke while he did that. Howard said Artie is starving himself nutritionally with food like that. Howard said Artie's girlfriend starves herself for him while he's filling himself with that crap. She wasn't over last night so Howard said she probably didn't want to puke after seeing him eat all of that crap. Artie said he was hungry after the baseball game but he didn't have anything else to eat. He made a sacrifice and didn't eat anymore. Howard said he was nauseous after hearing about all of that so he moved on to other stuff.
Howard had some tapes to play. He had one from a report about Ben Affleck getting a job as a model for L'oreal male cosmetics. Howard said he doesn't know how this guy got so famous because he hasn't been in that many movies. He said he thinks it's because he's with Jennifer Lopez. Howard said he told his girlfriend that he might have to hook up with J-Lo to get some of this fame.
Howard talked about Katie Couric and how disgusting her Tonight Show appearance was a couple of weeks ago. He sounded pissed about the whole thing and how she and Dr. Phil should never have been allowed to appear on the show at all. He played some tape of Dr. Phil talking to Katie during her stint on the show and how disturbing it was. Howard said that guy Dr. Phil is just so annoying. He said it was ''douche chill city'' on that show.
Howard had tape of Andy Dick getting a Prism Award which is apparently an award for celebrities who are anti-drug. Howard played the tape of Andy talking about how he wasn't sure who to thank for the award. He joked around and thanked his drug dealer. He went on to talk about how funny it was that his drug abuse got him an award.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the fact that E! censored out the word ''Dyke'' on Howard's show. Howard said the rules seem to be changing over there at E! and someone over there is very sensitive about words like that. The caller also gave Artie a few compliments about how good he is on the show.
Howard got a bunch of e-mail about this Rita G they had on the show yesterday. One person pointed out how KC wouldn't touch her breasts after all of the other guys at the station came in and felt them. Howard thought that was kind of weird but they never found out why he didn't touch them. KC came in and Howard went off on him about the whole thing and how he ruined the bit by not touching them with all of the other guys. Howard told him he was so thick that he just didn't get it. KC said he thinks it's ''filthy'' and just didn't want to do it after all of the other guys touched her. Howard told KC that they're having a Scores party and KC isn't invited this time. Howard talked about that party for a short time after that. He said he wants to keep that party small anyway. They're going to have only about 30 guys at the party. Howard said Ronnie the Limo Driver was upset because he was going to have to watch his grandson. Things worked out and he'll be there at the party. Ronnie told Howard that Lonnie over at Scores is thrilled that they're finally having another party because it's been two and a half years since the last one. Lonnie wants to bring some girls down to the station for Howard to check out. Howard said that's a great idea. He told Howard how great Lonnie is and how he once ran out of this ''velvet shrimp'' meal they have there. Lonnie somehow found a way to make the meal and they brought it out to him shortly after that. Gary had a similar story and how well they're taken care of there. Robin wondered how the new rules effected Scores when they had a 60/40 rule about the size of the strip club. Howard said you go into the restaurant and there are plenty of girls there, they just have to wear clothes. He said it looks like a bordello though. It gives you a good chance to check out the girls in brighter light.
Howard changed subjects and said that Willie Nelson did a concert for TV and he had a bunch of great guests. He said he actually enjoyed some of the songs they did on the show. He said Paul Simon was on the show and some other people did some good songs. He said he fast forwarded through some of the country artists but the other stuff was pretty good. He said Eric Clapton did some blues song that sucked and he doesn't get that. He said the guy can't do a hit song from his days with Cream. He sounded pissed that Clapton wouldn't do anything like that. Howard ended up playing some of the old Clapton stuff that he enjoyed. He also played Steven Tyler performing with Willie Nelson on that special. Howard said he liked seeing those two performing together but Robin wasn't into it. She said it was obvious they didn't rehearse it much before performing it. Gary said that's what was great about it.
Howard took a few phone calls after that and one woman called in to talk about how she ruined her relationship by ''swinging'' with another couple. She said she asked for Howard's advice a couple of years ago and he advised her not to do it but they did it anyway. She said they ended up getting divorced over the whole thing. She said she'd never do that again because of what happened. She didn't want to get into details about what happened though.
Howard said Karin looked great in what she was wearing. He told her not to touch her breasts because they were perfect as they were naturally. He said her panties were sticking way out of her pants and it looked pretty hot. He checked out her ass as well and said she looked great. Howard said she needs to lose about 8 pounds. The guys suggested that they go on a diet together. Howard said he'd bang her in a second.
Howard told both of them they don't need any more surgery. Rudi said she's had two surgeries, the last set of implants she didn't like so she got the new ones. Howard and the guys gave them some advice on getting into shape. KC told Karin to start jogging right then. They told Rudi how to dress and how she needs to work out at a gym. She said she doesn't like going to a gym because she doesn't like guys looking at her.
Howard found out that the two girls have just recently started doing each other. They said they have some fun doing stuff even though they like men. They talked about that with the guys for a short time. Karin and Rudi talked about how they've kissed but haven't gone as far as to have oral sex with each other. The two of them kissed for Howard while they were there. Gary said it was obvious that Rudi was the guy in the relationship. She was the one who grabbed Karin and kissed her. Howard started to wrap up the segment shortly after that and told them to come back when they lose their weight. Howard told Rudi she should be able to lose the 30 pounds in a month. Howard ended up giving each of them $500 prizes for coming in. The money was courtesy of ''The Recruit'' DVD release. He then wrapped up the segment and took a break.
Howard mentioned that Dave also has a stand-up gig at The Funny Bone out in Columbus, Ohio tomorrow night. He also brought up how Dave's ex-girlfriend Sarah Silverman was on the show talking about him recently. Howard tried to get some dirt on her but Dave wasn't talking. He said he'd tell Howard how Sarah was in bed while talking in Klingon. Howard ended up playing tape of Sarah talking about Dave when she was on a few weeks ago. She told Howard how weird Dave was because he threw his cigarettes on the floor of his apartment. Dave said he still says hello to Sarah when he sees her even though she said they're not friends anymore. Dave told Howard that he sent her flowers when she did Letterman's show and he even sends her birthday cards and stuff. The guys asked Dave if he's afraid he won't get on the Jimmy Kimmel show if he says anything wrong. Dave said he's more afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop doing that show if he got on it. Dave also told Howard that Sarah helped introduce him to his two favorite things, alcohol and smoking. He didn't start smoking until he met her. He said that he was just starting out in comedy at the time and he was a mess back then. He said Sarah was out of his league and ended up leaving him. He said he really did have a thing for her and was sad to lose her. He and Howard spent some time talking about that. Dave said he thinks that Jimmy and Sarah will do well together and he's looking forward to a very special ''Crank Yankers'' with the two of them.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if Howard really finds Sarah that attractive. The caller said he finds her to have a ''monkey-ish'' face. Howard said he's heard that too but he thinks it's the whole package. She's attractive and funny and it works.
Howard said they have this game to play but he might hold off until tomorrow to play it. KC put together this survey for everyone to fill out about the other people on the show. He said KC screwed up some of the questions. He said one question was ''Who is the most patient?'' and then wrote ''Who is the least most patient?'' Howard said one of the next questions was ''Who is the dumbest?'' so he had to put KC in there because he screwed up that ''least most patient'' question.
KC had some of the results of the survey and went through them with the guys. Here are some of the results:
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Dave if Sarah really is as small in the private parts as she was claiming when Howard interviewed her. Dave said he didn't want to say anything about that and wanted to get back to ''the skank in Pittsburgh'' that they were talking about before the call. Howard gave Dave a plug for the comedy gig he has coming up in Columbus and his web site DaveAttell.com.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about how some comedians sell stuff at the end of their show. They talked about Jackie and ho used to sell crap on stage at his show.
Howard got back to KC and his dopey game. Here are some more of the results:
After the break Howard had Robin get to her news. Dave Attell stuck around to comment on the stories she brought up. Howard started it off talking about all of the Dr. Phil merchandise that's out there. He talked about all of the crap that the guy sells and how shameful it is that he's trying to suck up every cent he can while he's hot.
Howard said Gary told him about an article in Entertainment Weekly that talks about these Howard Stern clones out there who are being cracked down on by the FCC. Gary told him that the clones talk about how Howard thinks he invented everything even burping and farting. Then they go on to list bits that they do and they're all things that he invented.
Howard said he has some midgets from ''Midgets Gone Mad'' but one of them is Bridget the Midget who has been on the show a bunch of times in the past. Howard said there are only two midgets coming in. Howard said he thought a bunch of them were going to come in.
Howard said Playboy Playmate Devin Devasquez rescheduled her date from this week to next week. They also have Artie having a pizza eating contest against a listener and Bobby Trendy from the Anna Nicole Smith show.
Howard talked about how great Rebecca Romijn-Stamos was on the E! show the other night. He said he watched it and thought she was great so he gave her a call and let her know. A listener wrote in and said they felt a sexual tension on the show when they watched it. Howard said he thinks there's sexual tension with any guy and Rebecca because she's so beautiful.
Robin said she had problems last night when her sump pump broke and she had to mop up the mess. That led to Howard talking about how there's always something in his house that is broken. He was talking about his audio visual system and how there's something that doesn't work all the time. He said he's got his bedroom and living room hooked up and he's having problems with the bedroom stuff coming on. Howard said he wanted to watch a bloopers show last night but he wasn't able to do it. He ended up reading a Deepak Chopra book instead. He said it really sucked too. Howard said he'd watch anything on TV if he didn't have to read. He goofed on how bad the book was by doing his Indian impression and talking about how bad the stuff he was reading was. Howard said his whole audio visual system was down and he couldn't watch anything at all on TV.
Howard said he has to do a whole thing with his dog when he goes to bed because she cries if she thinks he's locked her out. He said he can't even sleep in the same room with the dog because it snores so loud.
AJ Benza called in and tried to tell Howard about seeing Beth on the cover of Razor magazine. His cell phone was so crappy that it was almost impossible to understand what he was saying. Howard told him that and said that listeners in their cars can't understand what he's saying. AJ said ''I don't care.'' and continued to mumble into his sucky phone. AJ told Howard about how he was over at Scores recently but he was so hard to understand that I don't know what he said. Turns out he was at Scores last night and had just left at about 4 in the morning. AJ told Howard he'd taken a couple of women home with him but wouldn't let Howard talk to them. Howard wrapped up the call shortly after that.
Howard said they're going to be doing a Scores party soon and Lonnie from Scores will be bringing in some chicks ahead of time so the guys can check them out. They apparently have a tiger there at Scores according to AJ Benza so Howard wondered how that's going to work. They spent a short time on that before going to commercial break.
Howard said on the cover of Blender magazine this month is Jewel. He has been talking about how she's been glamming herself up lately and is looking really good. She's been singing pop songs and dressing like Britney Spears. He said she did one show recently where she was just barely covering up her beaver and showing off her giant cans and it's working for him. He said she can really sing too so she has the whole package for him. He didn't have the clip for Robin to hear though. Howard said they must hire drunks over at VH-1 though because they did all kinds of horrible camera work while they were shooting that concert he was talking about. Howard said it's like they were trying to shoot a music video instead of a concert. He said they must be gay or something because they don't stay on the hot chicks on stage, they're zooming and pulling the camera's back out and moving around so you can't see anything. Howard went on to talk about how hot Jewel was on this show. Howard couldn't get over Jewel and what a woman she is. He was talking about her micro-mini skirt and just couldn't stop talking about her. He said she doesn't look like a slob anymore. Howard got hold of an US magazine and saw that they had an article about Ruben and Clay from ''American Idol.'' Howard said that whole show was a rip off because both of the finalists ended up getting record contracts even though Ruben won. Artie said he saw that guy Ruben interviewed during a basketball game and it seems like he's a bit slow or something. They spent a few seconds on that and then Howard was handed video tape of that VH-1 Divas special he was talking about earlier. He had Robin checking out the bad camera work on the show. Howard was talking about how hot Jewel was again and said she pulled a Cher and made herself over. Howard said he'd like to do a show with her like Sonny and Cher did. Howard said it looks like she fixed her teeth as well. Robin told Howard he was right about the horrible camera direction and about Jewel's make over. Howard figures it had to be a female director or a gay director not to keep a camera on those chicks.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who insulted him for a minute before talking about how he saw Jewel out somewhere. Howard ended up telling the guy how he invited Jewel to go to his movie premiere back when he appeared on The Tonight Show in 1996. She was going to go but backed out when someone advised her not to go. Howard also told the story about James Carville and how Jewel yelled at him back stage because he was staring at her breasts. Now she's showing them off to everyone and making them look at her.
Howard took a call from this guy who was supposed to come in and give himself oral sex. Tom Chiusano put a stop to the bit though so he's not going to be on the show. The guy told Howard that he never does this to please himself though, he does it to impress women. Howard told him that it doesn't impress women though. Howard told the guy that he could come down and do it, but he'd end up getting fired for it. Howard told the guy he could do it over the phone because it would be just like he was in the studio. Howard told him to do it and try singing a song while he was doing it. The guy kept asking why he wasn't going to be allowed on the show and Howard tried to tell him that Tom won't allow it but he didn't seem to be listening. Howard said he really would have him in to do it but he would be fired. He said he thinks he's ready to be fired and he might let the audience vote on whether or not they want him to get fired over that.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Whitney Houston being over in Israel with the Black Hebrew group. He asked Howard if he can give her some advice but Howard as so aggravated with the guy that he had to bail out on the phone call. He and Artie continued to goof on the guy after he was off the phone. They had to take another break though so that didn't last long.
Howard said someone forwarded a story about Keanu Reeves giving away 50 million pounds ($80 million) to the people who did the special effects in the movie. Howard said he's not sure if the story is real or not but if it's true, Keanu might be a nice guy. Robin said she's heard that he is a generous guy and buys stuff for people all the time. Howard thinks he may feel guilty about being a horrible actor and that's why he gives away the money. Gary and Howard said John Travolta and Vin Diesel should be giving away their money as well if that's the case. Howard said maybe Keanu is just stupid and gives away the money.
Howard said he received a letter from the President of the Screen Actors Guild, Melissa Gilbert. She was asking for his help encouraging people to vote to approve that they merge SAG and AFTRA the two actors unions. Gary said he'd be for that because he's sick of paying fees to two different unions. Howard said he doesn't believe in unions but they do give him health benefits. He talked about how he had to go beg for them to help him years ago but if Melissa needs his help, he'll do what she asked. Howard and the guys talked about how hard Melissa tried to get that job and was able to do it. Howard said you can find out more about this vote at PartnershipForPower.org.
Howard took a call from Debbie Schlussel who says the story about Keanu Reeves has to be a phony because there's no way he was paid that much money from the movie. Howard had to explain some stuff to her about the points and merchandizing for movies like ''The Matrix'' and how these actors get a ton of money from these movies. Howard said he doesn't think that the story is fake. Debbie had some other quick things to talk about but Howard didn't seem interested in what she was talking about so he wrapped up the call.
Howard and the guys continued to talk about how much money some of these actors can make when they have a hit movie. They mentioned people like Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson and John Travolta.
Howard said he'd love to get Mike Tyson on the show but he's heard that Tyson is afraid to come in. He had an article about Mike talking about how he'd like to rape this woman who accused him of rape a couple of years ago. Howard read the article and Tyson says that he's so bothered by the fact that he's been labeled a rapist that it makes him want to go out and rape. Artie did his Tyson impression and talked about all of the people he'd like to rape.
Howard had tape of this guy Andrew Firestone from ''The Bachelor'' talking about how he's not going to have a pre-nuptial agreement when he marries the chick from the show. Howard and Gary talked about how ridiculous it is. Howard said it's insanity to not have a pre-nup when you're worth that much money and have only known the woman for a few months.
Howard had tape of some guy rambling on about ''love language'' which is just babbling in a language that no one understands. Howard found that pretty funny and Robin thought it sounded like the guy was speaking in Klingon or something. Howard played some of the Klingon phrases that he was playing with yesterday. Howard started rambling himself making up words and his own ''love language'' that made no sense. Artie got in on it as well and made some strange sounds as his ''love language.'' Fred threw in a porn video clip as well.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who brought up the fact that Woody Allen is going to be a spokesman for the French tourism industry. Howard said if that doesn't keep you away from France, he doesn't know what will. Another caller had a game for Howard to play. He ended up asking a bunch of questions about Robin that everyone seemed to know. It wasn't much of a game. He had about 4 questions and that was it. He threw in an extra one about whether or not she'd seen Dave Chappelle's show or not. Artie told the guy he should be working for Parker Brothers making game. Howard ended up giving him a trip for 2 to Las Vegas though so the game paid off for him. Fred threw in the ''Las Vegas'' song where the retarded guy is singing about Jennifer Halloway. Howard and the guys talked about how they actually got to meet Jennifer out there in Vegas and what a disappointment it was.
KC came in with another one of his own surveys. They filled this one out yesterday and this morning. Howard talked about yesterday's survey and how John got upset about some of the stuff he was voted for in that one. Each of the people on the show filled out this survey and KC put the results together. Here's how they voted:
Stuttering John brought up how Benjy has a stench about him a couple of times during the week that really bothers Fred and Artie. Benjy got really defensive and defended himself against those allegations. He swears that he doesn't smell and wants to have someone come up and sniff everyone to see if they can catch a whiff of him. Fred said it's definitely Benjy that stinks sometimes. It's not Artie. Stuttering John said he's heard about the smell from people once in a while. Benjy thought it might be the food he eats but Fred said he knows the difference between food and a stench coming from someone. John said it might be Benjy's clothing not being clean. Artie said that could be it because he remembers Benjy having a stain on his jacket for a long time that was some kind of oil that was just gross. Benjy wanted Howard to smell all of their necks to see if he could smell something. Howard said he'd do that after the Midgets Gone Mad segment. He told Benjy he can't brush his teeth during the break or he'd call off the whole thing. Benjy said he'd be up for that so Howard took a break.
Howard asked Bridget and Drevon about this ''Midgets Gone Mad'' video and what it's all about. The two of them said it's a bunch of midget strippers and crazy people going nuts on tape. Howard asked them if they mind being called Midget. Bridget and Drevon both said they don't mind it at all. Howard talked to Bridget about all of the tattoos she has all over her body and then quickly moved on to ask her about her getting out of porn. She used to be in porn but got out when she got bored with it and also got Chlamydia from someone. She said she likes living and doesn't want to die doing porn.
Howard asked Drevon how hard it is being a midget and being black. Drevon said he doesn't mind it at all and has some fun with people looking at him as he walks down the street.
Howard and Bridget talked about how much easier it would be for her to do stuff if she was a full size woman. Gary brought up some stuff about her like the fact that her father may have left her mother because they had a midget for a daughter. She didn't seem to find it sad at all but Gary kept digging to find something that might upset her. She had to have a lot of operations when she was a kid and got addicted to pain killers as a young child.
Bridget just wanted to promote this video and the fact that her band plays in the video. Drevon said he appears naked in the video and wanted to show Howard his penis. Howard said he's not gay and didn't want to see it. He decided to check it out anyway and said it was a pretty good size for a midget but it wasn't all that big. Bridget seemed to think it was pretty large though.
Howard asked Drevon about his porn career and what that's been like for him. He and Bridget kept talking over each other so Howard asked them about that as well. Bridget said she's used to being the center of attention so that's why she constantly talks. Howard let the two of them get in a couple of plugs for this Midgets Gone Mad video which can be found at MidgetsGoneMad.com. Bridget also got in a plug for her web site UpsideDownTV.com.
Howard talked to the two midgets about their lives and what it's like to be so small. They both had stories about people calling them names walking down the street and stuff like that. Howard spent just a few minutes with them before wrapping up the interview. He gave them a few plugs for the web site. They just wouldn't leave though and kept talking. Howard couldn't seem to believe how happy the two of them seem to be. He said that he can't deal with being what he is, never mind being a midget. Artie wondered how much more he'd be drinking if he was a midget.
Howard finally got the midgets to leave and talked about the size of Drevon's penis. Howard said he's actually jealous of the size of a midget's penis. The guys seemed to agree that they'd rather be like Hank the Dwarf and drink themselves to death if they were that small.
After the Midgets Howard played a tape where they claim that Ruben from ''American Idol'' is going to start working out to get in shape and lose some weight. They also say that Clay hasn't had a girlfriend in 5 years. Howard wondered whether there's a better chance of Ruben losing weight or Clay getting a girlfriend. Howard guessed that there'a a good chance Ruben will lose weight before Clay gets a girlfriend.
Howard and the guys spent a short time trying to figure out if they'd rather be retarded or a midget, gay or a midget, born without a penis or a midget and stuff like that. Some of the stuff they'd chose to be the midget but some stuff they'd chose over being a midget. Howard wondered if Artie would rather be tall and gay or a straight midget. Artie said he'd rather be gay and tall than straight and a midget because if he was gay, he'd like not having sex with a woman and wouldn't mind it. They spent a short time on that discussion before taking a commercial break.
Howard said he had a guy on the phone who had info on that drink that Artie gets at Starbucks, the Caramel Macchiato. He wasn't on the phone but Stuttering John said they checked out the web site and found out that it's 375 calories for a 24 oz. drink. They goofed on Artie's eating for a short time before getting to some e-mail.
Howard went through a bunch of e-mail about yesterday's show and some of the stuff they were talking about. He also took a bunch of phone calls about various stuff. One guy said that he heard Julia Roberts' marriage is breaking up. Howard said he doesn't find that surprising at all. Howard said he thinks Julia may be clinically insane after seeing some of her behavior. She does a lot of wacky things that he pointed out. He also talked about Rosie O'Donnell and how crazy she is as well. They spent a few more minutes talking about Julia's wacky behavior and then got back to the e-mail. Some people enjoyed Dave Attell on the show yesterday but complained that Howard was talking over him when he'd try to say something. Howard whipped through a bunch of other e-mails about some of the other stuff they've been doing lately. One person asked Howard not to make Artie give up drinking Coke. The person said Artie might get caffeine withdrawls and think he's having a stroke. Other people said they love hearing about what Artie eats every day. Someone even suggested having an E! camera follow him around so we can all see what he eats. KC came in and said he loves going to the horse races with Artie because he goes and gets something to eat from different food stands between the races. He said there are nine races and he gets something different after each race. Howard said Dominic Barbara invited him to go to a horse race but he doesn't think he's going to go because it turns into a whole big thing with people bugging him and stuff. The guys told Howard that there are private boxes at Belmont and he could probably watch from there. Howard said he probably still won't go. Robin mentioned something about the upcoming Belmont Stakes so KC came in and talked about how he spoke to the trainer of this one horse ''that can't lose.'' They spent a couple of minutes talking about that before Robin started her news.
Howard was a little late starting the show so he apologized because he was just eating breakfast. He said he went to bed early last night after a very busy day. He said he had a bunch of stuff going on but he had to take a break before talking about it.
After the break Howard was goofing around talking about the George Takei interview with Kidd Chris. Kidd Chris had called him as Ricardo Montalban and Takei said some funny lines during the call that Howard and Artie were goofing around with during the news yesterday. Howard said he had to hear it again so he played it and continued to have some fun with it. Both Howard and Artie did their impressions of Takei's very unique speaking voice. Artie and Howard talked about how great that phony phone call was. Artie said Howard told Kidd Chris that it might be his favorite phony call of all time. Robin pointed out that this Pavaroti phony phone call that these guys did up in Canada was pretty funny as well. Howard asked if they had it but he and Artie continued to do their Takei impressions. Howard wants the call transcribed so they can reenact the whole call. Howard actually played the call a second time all the way through. They couldn't get enough of it. Artie kept doing his impression making up stuff that Takei might say while he's on the phone talking about his upcoming Star Trek convention appearances. Howard then started throwing in some of the Klingon language clips he's been playing this week. Howard and Artie were having a lot of fun with the whole thing but Howard said they're not this much fun on the weekends. He said they turn it right off when they're off the air. He said they have to get tape of the Star Trek stars appearing on these Star Trek cruises that Takei was talking about during the call. He also said he has to learn how to speak Klingon. Robin told him to do that over the weekend. Howard was making some of the language up talking to Artie who was pretending to be Takei.
Howard said someone asked him what he thought was his favorite bit on the show. He said he thinks the whole Gary apology to his ex-girlfriend that he taped years ago is his favorite. A listener called in a minute later and asked Howard to play the George Takei interview with Gary Garver because there were some great quotes from Takei in that one as well. Fred pulled the clip and played it. That led to Howard and Artie doing their impressions of him even more. They were goofing on the whole Star Trek cruise thing again and making fun of that. They were also picking apart each word Takei pronounced in a strange way and goofed on them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Klingon tapes he's been playing sound similar to Dominic Barbara because they're kind of muffled and garbled like Dominic sounds when he calls in.
Captain Janks called in and said he knows a guy who goes to those Star Trek conventions and they all dress up in sparkling outfits and call each other by their rank and stuff like that. Howard and Artie continued to do their Takei impressions. They also talked about the movie that was out about the Star Trek fans and how wacky they are. Janks asked Howard to play tape of the William Shatner recording session where he said ''Sabatage'' instead of ''Sabotage.'' Fred started to play the ''Booey Maguire'' song parody with Gary's apology on it but Howard wanted to hear the original tape instead. Howard had Fred pull some tapes of the stuff they were talking about like the Orson Wells clip where he goes off on an engineer while in a recording session and the William Shatner clip. Fred played the Orson Wells clip and Howard talked about that for a short time. Wells is asked to do another take and freaks out on the engineer who asked him to do the line over again because he heard ''a gonk'' during that line. Howard ended up doing a bit where he was Orson Wells talking to George Takei. Fred then played the clip of William Shatner saying ''Sabatage'' and telling the engineer that he doesn't say it the same way he does. Howard and Artie just couldn't get off the George Takei impressions though. They continued to goof around with that. Janks told Howard that he should go on one of those cruises and call in with some reports from the cruise. Howard said that would be great. He and Artie continued to do their impressions and made up even more stuff with George Takei. A listener called in a short time later and asked Howard to stop already because it was sounding like the Don and Mike show or something. He said it wasn't funny anymore and it sounded like they were just doing it to amuse themselves. Howard sarcastically said ''Oh, we've never done that before...'' and laughed. Howard said they were up for a break anyway so they were going to be stopping soon. He took a break a minute later.
Howard said he heard that on last night's ''Amazing Race'' they used the ''T-word'' for women's breasts so it should be okay for Howard to use it during his show. Howard said it's time for Gary to revisit that with Tom Chiusano because if they're using it in prime-time TV, then it should be okay for Howard. He said he's allowed to say ''titty bar'' but not the three letter word alone for some reason.
Howard was talking about how crappy the weather has been so far this spring in New York City and how almost every day has been cloudy there. It's supposed to be warm today but then it's going back to cool and rainy again by this weekend.
A woman called in and told Howard how funny he and Artie were doing their impressions of George Takei were. She said that the guy who called in earlier didn't know what he was talking about. The woman also pointed out how funny it was back when Otto and George were on the show and KC put the microphone up to the dummy's mouth. That led to Howard talking about how dopey KC is sometimes and how he screws up spelling and stuff like that. Gary also mentioned how KC ''serenades'' his steak instead of ''marinating'' it. KC had another one of his surveys that he was working on for later today. KC said people have asked him to stop with those things but Howard and Gary like them. Someone had some of the misspelled words KC has screwed up but Howard didn't bother with them.
Gary said he was at the gym yesterday and thought he had a piece of lint on his chest. It turned out to be three gray hairs. He said he went into a stall and looked for more gray hair in his pants. He wasn't able to find anything down there though. Howard talked about how he has gray hair on his head but not that many at this point. Howard said he's spoken to this woman at Completely Bare about how old guys come in with tons of gray hair on their asses and how they have to laser them off.
Howard said that John wrote him a note on the computer about how Artie has gray pubic hair. Artie said he's talked about that in the past. Howard joked that John also wrote that Artie's left testicle is larger than the right one. Robin asked him if he does anything about the gray hair. Artie said he doesn't bother with trying to do anything about it.
Howard said that last night they were running news scrolls on the E! show last night again during the Jim Carrey interview. There were conflicting reports about it though so Howard wasn't sure what was going on. He said Mindy Herman from E! told him that they're not going to do run them anymore so he wants to know what's going on.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that Fred has a bunch of moles on his neck that he might want to get checked out. Fred showed Howard his neck and couldn't find all that many so he got off the phone with him and moved on.
Howard had a list of movies that Albert Brooks has turned down over the years. Here are some of those movie roles:
Shuli called in and said that they're still running scrolls under the E! show during Howard's shows. Robin Radzinski from E! came in and said that she watches the show every morning and they haven't been running them. She said they do run them on the repeats though so that might be what people are seeing. Shuli said that if they're telling Howard that the scrolls aren't running on his show at all, they're lying to him. They do run them on the reruns so they're still running them.
Shuli had a couple of his favorite bits that he rattled off to Howard quickly. Howard then took a call from Jeff the Drunk who swore that they ran the news scrolls under the E! show last night. Another caller said Jeff is full of crap because he has it on TiVo and he was watching it as he was on the phone and there was nothing there. The only thing they ran during the 10 o'clock show was a promo for the upcoming 11:30 pm show. Howard asked Jeff if it disturbs him that he gets everything wrong like that and doesn't get anything right in his life. Jeff got very quiet and apologized for his mistake. The guys goofed on him for a few seconds after his call.
Howard said after the show yesterday he had to get back to his apartment where he had a meeting with Ralph. They had to pick out clothes. Then Howard had to go to the studios of TNN which becomes the SPIKE network on June 16th. He got to see the cartoon studios there since he's got a cartoon coming up on that network called ''Howard Stern the High School Years.'' He said they don't have to send the animation to Korea to get it done. It's all done in house. He said his cartoon won't be done for another year though. He said it's pretty cool the way they do that stuff there. Howard said they told him to think of that place as his second home. Howard said the place had purple walls and no windows so he's not thrilled about calling that his second home. Howard said the animation is done with computers and it's amazing the way they do it. Howard said they've been pretty good to him so far over there. He said at the first meeting they had with him they gave him a gift of a portable DVD player. He jokingly asked them if they had anything for him yesterday. He said he was only half kidding and thought they might have another gift for him. Howard said when the network changes names to SPIKE, they're going to have a party at the Playboy mansion. He said it's during the week so he doesn't want to take a day off to do that. Artie told Howard they should both go together after calling in sick. Howard said the guy told him that they're going to have Playmates there at the mansion instead of Bunnies. He wasn't sure which one is better to have there though. Robin mentioned something about Kirstie Alley being a Playboy Bunny and Howard said she's in the latest National Enquirer and she's gotten really fat. He told Robin she was going to be shocked when he saw the picture. He showed it to her and she was pretty amazed how fat she was. Howard said he heard that when Kirstie Alley was doing the ''Veronica's Closet'' TV show the director had to tell her that the show was about a hot chick and a fat chick, not two fat chicks because she was getting so fat. Howard had to take another break after talking about Kirstie for a few seconds.
Howard had tape of Mike Tyson being interviewed by Greta Van Susteren. He said they edited it so they had just Mike being interviewed because they did a lot of cutting away during the interview. In the interview Tyson talks about this woman who accused him of raping her. He calls her a ''slimy bitch'' and some other stuff. Howard said it sounded like Greta wasn't even in the same room with Tyson during the interview. They made some jokes about how funny it would be if she just ran in, asked a question and then ran out again. Tyson talks about how he picked this woman up and how he brought up how he'd like to have sex with her. Howard and Artie goofed on Tyson and did their impressions of him as they listened to the tape. They were combining the Tyson interview with the priest molestation clips they were playing earlier. Tyson also says that he feels like raping that woman now that he's been accused of raping her. He also talks about what a scumbag he thinks Don King is as well. There was a lot of censoring of the interview because Tyson was cursing so much during it. Howard and Artie were goofing on the music they were playing during the interview and how strange that was. Artie said Tyson is his favorite celebrity. Howard said the interview aired on the FOX TV show ''The Pulse.'' A woman called in and told Howard that he missed some of the interview and a part where some guy called in and backed up Tyson's story about the rape.
Howard said he had a bunch of tapes to play today but he had to take a break first. He had Dr. Phil tape and tape of Star Jones talking about eating while driving. He also had some Larry King tape he wanted to play and of course, KC's latest survey. He had to take a break before getting to any of that though.