Howard said he went out to the Hamptons over his three day weekend and he loves it. He said he got to fly out there by helicopter with his buddy Ross who works for a record company.
Howard said he spent a lot of time with DJ Chris Booker and his girlfriend Linda Lopez. At one point they were walking on the beach and Linda stubbed her toe on Booker's heel. She ended up breaking her toe so the guys had to carry her back to the house. Howard said he had her on his back for a while. He said that he did most of the work so Linda ended up calling Howard her hero. Booker said he carried her a short way too so they got into a fight about it. Booker wanted to be her hero also. Howard said he loved that they got in a fight over that. Howard said that night Booker was carrying Linda around when they went out to dinner.
The guys ended up talking about how much money M. Night Shyamalan's movie ''Signs'' made over the weekend. Howard said it was a good movie but the idea that an alien invasion has to use crop circles to communicate is ridiculous. The guys all joked about that for a couple of minutes before Howard had to take the first break of the morning.
After the break Howard asked Artie what he did over the weekend. Artie said he just hung out because it was the first weekend he hadn't worked in a while. Howard said that Artie told him a story about some inappropriate behavior. He was over at a friend's house and the family is so religious that they have holy water at the door so you can spritz it on yourself when you go in. Artie said when he walked in and picked up the holy water he hears the father yelling out ''Shoot the ball nig*er!'' while he's watching a basketball game he had money on. All the religious stuff goes right out the window at that point. That story led to Gary telling a story about some similar stuff that he's come across. He had a story of people saying stuff like that and not thinking much of it.
Howard moved on to talk about ''The Anna Nicole Smith Show.'' Gary watched it last night and said that Anna is really fat. He said he thinks she might be wearing the same clothes she was wearing when she was thinner. Howard said that she's actually bigger than this football player dude he works out with! Gary and Robin talked about parts of the show where her fat actually causes problems. She gets stuck in a shower or something like that and has to be helped out. Gary also mentioned how sometimes she's very coherent and can put a sentence together. Then there are times when she just mumbles and you can't understand a word. Artie said it's really sad when she talks to her 15 year old son and doesn't understand the word ''pizza'' when he says it to her. She thinks he said ''pig snot.'' Robin said Anna starts crying at one point when she finds out she can't get this house she was looking to get.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that the Anna Nicole show is way too overhyped.
A very strange sounding guy called in to complain about some of the stuff Howard was saying about blacks earlier. He was also talking about the Anna Nicole show and made a joke that went something like ''If you put Gary's face on Anna Nicole's body you'd get a bona fide gorilla.'' Howard ended up goofing on the guy and made him tell the joke over and over again. He kept telling the guy that he wanted to get a clear clip of him telling the joke so he had him tell it over about 15 times. They loved the guy's voice so much that Howard invited him to come down to the studio. Howard put him on hold but kept goofing on him for a few more minutes.
Howard asked Benjy how things have gone with his relationship with Anna Nicole. Benjy said he left her a message but she never got back to him. Howard thinks that she's probably not getting the message. Howard also said that E! had a poll on their web site asking who the best man for her is and Benjy came in first and won over Eminem and George Clooney.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he hated the Anna Nicole show. The guy also brought up the movie ''Minority Report.'' He claims he told Howard to go see it and heard that he didn't like it. Howard said he didn't like certain parts and said that it just went on and on. He said Spielberg doesn't edit his stuff the right way and he just didn't like it. He said he liked some of the special effects but that was about it. He said his daughter really loved it though.
Howard and the crew ended up talking about a bunch of other movies too. Howard said that he's waiting to do another good movie but all the scripts he's getting suck. He said he knows he could bring in at least $60 million if a movie company gives him a decent script. He mentioned the new Eddie Murphy movie, ''The Adventures of Pluto Nash'', that's coming out soon and said that he's heard it's so bad that they may not even release it.
Howard said he would work with someone like Gwyneth Paltrow or Eddie Murphy because it would be funny to see him with any of those famous people.
Howard said he saw ''Full Frontal'' and it's horrible. He said you can't even get through 15 minutes of it.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com, SteppinOutMagazine.com) called in and said that the guy who plays Mini Me, Vern Troyer, doesn't like Howard. Howard said that guy is full of it because he met him out in Las Vegas and the guy was kissing his ass. Howard said he thinks that Vern might actually may think he is a mini version of Mike Myers and he's offended when Howard goofs on him. He and Artie spent a couple of minutes goofing on the guy after that.
Chaunce asked Howard why he doesn't do a ''Private Parts 2.'' Howard said that he'd rather do something other than play himself. He asked M. Night Shyamalan if he'd work with him but Night said that Howard is so well known that he wouldn't be believable in another part. Howard said that Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt are in similar positions so what's the difference? Howard told Chaunce that he's really upset that Mini Me doesn't like him... He was joking of course. That interview will be in Steppin' Out Magazine sometime in the near future.
Howard took another break. When he came back he played a new ''The Onion Radio News'' bit. In the phony clip the News host talks about a report that says the elderly should just forget regular exercise because they're going to die soon anyway.
Howard then talked about how Angelina Jolie's father John Voight was on Entertainment Tonight making a plea for his daughter to contact him. Howard thought that was pretty weird. The plea on E.T. was apparently edited so Voight went to E! television and made another plea live so they wouldn't edit it. Howard played a clip of that and Voight ends up crying as he talks about how he just wants to hold his daughter in his arms. Voight goes on to talk about how the news uses stories about his daughter as entertainment or news. Meanwhile, he's on the news talking about her.
Howard moved on and took some phone calls. One guy asked about the Nicole Bass vs. Joey Buttafuoco fight. Howard said they're still talking about it and it may happen at the end of September or the beginning of October. That's not set in stone at this point though. The caller asked if he could fight Cabbie himself but Howard told him that wouldn't really work since they don't know who he is. He told the guy that no one would really care.
Another caller asked Howard where all of the celebrity guests are today. Howard said they'd be talking to Alec Baldwin later in the morning but right then the caller was the guest for the morning. The guy suggested getting people like Julia Roberts or even Linda Lopez on the show. Howard said that these people have to want to be on the show, he can't force them on. The caller said he wants Gary's job because he thinks he could get some of those guests. Howard had Gary come in to tell this guy some of the guests who turn them down. He said that he got a call from the movie company that put out ''Signs'' and they told him they couldn't have Mel Gibson so they ended up with the director, M. Night Shyamalan. Gary said they were also offered the dog from ''Men in Black II'' instead of Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. He said that's the way it usually goes but they do get some stars like David Duchovny. Howard said tomorrow they have Wanker Wang who is a porn producer looking for an Asian guy with a big penis. Howard said they're also having Barry Zito of the Oakland A's on this week. Gary said he's tried to get Madonna too but she's never available. The caller said he could get her on if he worked for the show. He said he'd just kiss her ass to get her on. Gary tried to explain to the guy that these celebrities just don't want to do the show.
Gary said that Fred Savage is in town this week and the caller said he'd like to hear that interview... but Howard said he's not interested in that interview. Howard went on to mention some of the big names he's had on in the past like Julia Roberts, George Clooney, James Caan, Bill Cosby (in 1983) and a bunch of others. A lot of them will never be on the show again but they were on at one time.
Even Howard's own girlfriend doesn't like to do the show. Howard said they're thinking of playing the ''Boyfriend - Girlfriend'' game and she's willing to do that. Howard wants to have Artie and his girlfriend play against he and Beth and Robin and her boyfriend Mr. X (Tony). Robin doesn't think Mr. X wants to do the show though.
Howard and Gary went on and on with this guy who called in but they couldn't get through to him. During the conversation they brought up the name Dale Earnhart Jr. who might be willing to do the show. Howard said he has no desire to do that interview. When Ronnie the Limo Driver, a huge NASCAR fan, heard that he started complaining. He came in and tried to convince Howard that there are a lot of fans out there who would be interested in hearing about his life. Gary said he'd be interested in hearing Ronnie do an interview with the guy instead of Howard. After Ronnie's complaining Howard said he'd consider having the guy on.
Howard told the caller that the show really isn't about celebrity guests anyway. They do so many other things that they don't need guests. KC came in and said that they have a transsexual who wants to come on because he/she thinks that someone on the show is a transsexual. That's the kind of guests they have and it works for them.
Another caller told Howard that he thinks he's lost his edge over the past few years. He complained that Howard hasn't done any bits recently. Howard told the guy that he doesn't want to hear about it if someone thinks he sucks. He said he'll be done in 3 years anyway. He told the guy that he has moved on from doing bits and that's the beauty of his show. Howard ended up doing his ''Out of the Closet Stern'' voice as he yelled at the caller and got him off the phone.
The guy who called in originally, Ron, also wanted to know why they haven't showed the Pink interview on E! yet. Gary said that he thought it was because they couldn't get clearance for the songs to be aired on E! for some reason. Gary said he tried to help Robin Radzinski from E! get clearance for the songs they played during the interview and it just didn't happen. Howard finally wrapped up the call with this guy and took another break.After the break Howard replayed one of Jim Florentine's new ''Terrorizing Telemarketers Vol 3'' calls where his retarded character takes a call from a cell phone salesman. The retard keeps saying ''Yay! Yay! That's great!'' to everything the telemarketer tells him.
Howard moved on and played more of John Voight's plea for his daughter to contact him. Then reporter Debbie Schlussel (DebbieSchlussel.com) called in and told Howard that she thinks Angelina actually responded to her father's plea and said that now that she has her own child she doesn't have any reason to talk to her father or something like that. She went on and told Howard what he could talk to Dale Earnhart Jr. about. She went on and on about the many things he could bring up in the interview. Howard had to cut her off because she wouldn't stop. Then Debbie went into a rant about how Arnold Schwarzenegger won't pose with a gun for promotional pictures for his movies. She was making a point about how Hollywood is avoiding any type of controversy about terrorists and stuff like that.
Howard said he could listen to that guy all day long. The laugh was hilarious and he did it after almost every answer he gave. After that Howard moved on and played the tape of Gary interviewing Ricardo Montalban. Here are a few of those questions:
Howard spent a few minutes trying to interview Alec about what his life is like now but Alec kept joking about men like Matt Drudge and Richard Johnson hitting on him. He claimed that Matt had hit on him at the ABC studios one time and he turned him down. It was a very strange comment. Alec said that he has a different woman every night but he was probably kidding about that too. Alec said that he's got his daughter for the summer and he's spending a lot of time with her. He said that he's ''dating'' his daughter for the summer so he's not dating other women. Howard brought up some of the women Alec is rumored to have been dating like Jennifer Love Hewitt and a couple of others. Alec said that Jennifer, a 21 year old, wouldn't give him the time of day. Howard asked if 21 is too young for him. Alec said he'd date a 17 year old so 21 isn't too young.
Alec and Howard shared divorce stories and both of them say that they'd never get married again. Alec said he'd rather jump into a volcano or get put in a wood chipper than get married again.
Alec claims that he still talks to Kim Basinger but wouldn't say if she hates him or not. He said he misses her and she's a great person.
Howard asked Alec if he would fight Richard Johnson in a boxing match if he could put that together. Alec said he'd beat him to a pulp and he doesn't want to be libel for something like that. He said that the fight would be over in 60 seconds.
Howard asked Alec if he'd like to go on a double date with him and Beth. Alec asked Howard if his girlfriend has any friends he could hook him up with. Howard said that he's got to be getting hot chicks on his own so he doesn't need to be fixed up.
Gary came in and said the tabloids must really hate Alec because there are all kinds of stories about him yelling at women and stuff like that. Alec said these reporters can make something out of nothing and that's what they're doing.
Howard said he once saw Kim Basinger on an airplane and she had an amazing ass. He spent a short time telling that story and tried to get some more info about him banging Jennifer Love Hewitt but he just wanted to get off the phone. Howard was trying to get the info about Alec and Kim's divorce and asked him what it was that Kim didn't want to do that Alec did. Artie said something like ''... bang Jennifer Love Hewitt...'' and after that Alec rushed off the phone. Gary said he hung up quicker than M. Night Shyamalan did last week.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Paul McCartney and his new wife Heather Mills and how McCartney's kids don't want to be seen with them now. Howard also read that Heather was homeless for a while and once had a homeless guy pee on her head. He mentioned a Beatles song that Paul could sing to her... Golden Slumbers. Artie had no idea what song that was. Howard sang him a little bit of it but he didn't recognize it. Gary told him he'd know it if he heard it the right way.
Howard took a call from a 12 year old kid, Robert, who didn't like the Anna Nicole show. Howard told the kid how funny some parts of the show were but the kid still didn't think it was funny. A 14 year old kid, Richard, called in and called Robert a fag. The two of them called each other some names and then Howard asked them if either of them had sex yet. Richard said he had oral from a 16 year old. Howard was blown away by that. The kid said that he only had it for about 20 seconds though. Robert was proud to tell Howard that he'd just looked at a Playboy the other day. Richard told Robert that when he was 12 he was looking at Hustler. He was rubbing it in Robert's face like it was a big deal. Robert said he's no fag and one of the things he said he did recently was play a dress up game at NewGrounds.com where you can make Britney Spears appear nude. He said he didn't dress her up, he got her naked. Howard had some fun with both of them for a few minutes. He ended up asking Richard more about the chick he got oral from and how he had some alcohol around for them to drink. He said he's also smoked pot but never took ecstasy. Howard said kids are growing up too quick these days. He took a break after that fun segment.
After the break Howard said a few people told him how E! didn't censor out the word ''shit'' when it was said by Anna Nicole Smith on her show. Robin said she said it twice and they didn't censor it. Howard said if he even says ''God damn'' the bleep it out on his E! show. He said he might try saying the s-word off the air on camera to see if E! will air it on his show.
Gary came in to talk about some tabloid stories that he's read lately. Gary and Howard ended up talking about reality TV shows and how great a show Gary could have about his wacky life. He gave a theoretical situation where perhaps one Saturday morning he's coaching his kid's little league baseball team and that afternoon he's pleasuring himself. That led to Howard talking about how he's still not masturbating much since he got together with his girlfriend. He's afraid that if he does start doing that the relationship will go down hill.
Gary got to the tabloid stories he wanted to talk about. He read that Demi Moore is dating Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers so the guys spent a short time talking about that. He also quickly mentioned the fact that no one who works on ''The West Wing'' is sad to see Rob Lowe go. He mentioned Rosie O'Donnell's ''meltdowns'' and how she's unable to find the right drug combination for her depression and she's having all kinds of problems.
Gary was interrupted when Matt Drudge(DrudgeReport.com) called in wondering what Alec Baldwin said about him. Howard told him about the claims that Alec made about him hitting on him one time and Matt said that he's never met Alec. He and Howard spent a few minutes talking about the stuff that Alec brought up. Matt joked that he was with a guy in a back room at some place in the West Village and it could have been Alec. He went on to say that he's never been with a man in his life. Howard and Matt spent a few minutes talking about some other stuff before wrapping up the call. Matt told Howard that his web site DrudgeReport.com is doing very well and he has some interesting pictures of the elder George Bush with some very nasty looking sun scars on his face. Howard checked them out and said they really were nasty looking. Drudge says that they're saying that they're not cancer though.
Howard wrapped up the call with Drudge and let Gary go over a few more tabloid stories. He brought up a story about Julia Roberts lying about where she and her new husband went on their honeymoon... it turns out they never left the country even though they'd claimed to have gone to Greece and/or England. Gary also pointed out that The Globe quoted a bunch of stuff that Geraldo talked about on their show last week and didn't give them any credit to Howard for getting that out of him. It was obvious to Gary that they lifted it right off their show. Gary also brought up Mike Myers claiming to have the last letter George Harrison ever wrote and it's about how much he likes Austin Powers. Matthew Perry was another story Gary read about. He's out of rehab but he's out drinking again according to the tabloids. Gary also read that Kevin Costner was caught cheating by his girlfriend again too. Howard went to break again after Gary's stuff.
When he came back he replayed the George Takei interview that they had so much fun with yesterday. They get a lot of laughs when they hear Takei laughing after each of his answers. Howard did his impression of Takei and he's got the laugh down almost perfect now. Howard said that Takei is on one of the new episodes of ''Son of the Beach'' this season. They have an episode where the speech is all off like in a Japanese Karate movie. That led to Howard playing a couple of clips from tonight's episode of ''Son of the Beach'' featuring Gilbert Gottfried as Nachus Johnstein a Jewish lifeguard. Then Gilbert gets bitten by a vampire and turns into his ''Dracula Gottfried'' character.
Howard said that Gary Garver almost didn't send them the George Takei interview because he thought that Howard wouldn't play it. He didn't recognize the gem of an interview that he had. Howard also replayed the interview Garver did with Ricardo Montalban at the same Star Trek convention he got Takei at.
Howard took a phone call from Harriet, an older black woman, who was upset with the way Howard treats women on ''Son of the Beach'' by putting them in bathing suits. Howard seemed to think that she sounded kind of phony so he ended up doing an impression of her that pissed her off. She flipped out and started yelling at him. She yelled at him about being racist and parading the ''ass and titties'' around on his show. Another person got on the phone who turned out to be the guy who called in yesterday that Howard invited down to the studio. It turns out the woman was a real woman. Howard put them both on hold so they could schedule them for some other time.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to know what female singer it was Howard was talking about ''coming out of the closet'' sometime in the near future. Howard said he still can't mention her name but he said she'd doing everything she can to prove she's with men right now.
Gary came in and told Howard that they were threatened by Matthew Perry's publicist yesterday after they read a story about him from ''The Star'' that claimed he was out drinking alcohol recently and he's going back to rehab. Gary said she yelled at him and threatened to sue them after they heard about them reading the story. She said he's not going back to rehab. Gary said he yelled right back at the woman. The publicist said that the part about him going back to rehab is completely untrue. After talking about it Howard said he was going to sue Perry over that horrible movie he made with Salma Hayek (''Fools Rush In''). Howard eventually said that he hopes the story is wrong. Gary said he told someone in the office that this would be the perfect time for Perry to come on the show and prove that there's nothing like this going on. Howard said they should have a drinking contest if Perry comes on the show. The article they read said he was out drinking Smirnoff Ices and Red Bull and Vodkas. Howard didn't even know what Smirnoff Ice was so Gary explained it to him.
Howard took a call from a woman who wanted to know how Howard's girlfriend Beth got into modeling. She wants to get her 16 year old into it and wanted some advice. Howard said that Beth's mother got her into it at around the age of 9. As she got older she started getting a lot of work over in Europe so she ended up leaving college and went over there to work. The woman on the phone said that her daughter is taking modeling lessons so she can get some commercial work and stuff like that. Howard suggested that the girl stay in school and do some modeling on the side. The woman said that her daughter wants to be a journalist also. Howard told the woman to send over some pictures of her so he can put her in his stable of women. He said he'd like to ''mentor her.'' Howard said the chances of getting to be a working model are pretty slim but if that does happen there's a lot of money to make.
After taking another break Howard played another new Jim Florentine ''Terrorizing Telemarketers Vol. 3'' call. Jim just keeps saying ''no'' to every question the telemarketer asks until the guy asks him if that's his favorite word. Jim then says ''yeah'' and the guy hangs up on him.
Howard went through a bunch of e-mail quickly after the Jim Florentine call. They got mail about Robin having funny looking eyes, hatred of the Anna Nicole Smith show and about people loving the George Takei tape. Howard spent a bit of time talking about the Anna Nicole show and how he thinks it's great. He read a review about the show and how it's not really a show, it's a ''train wreck with breasts.'' Howard moved on to talk about the ratings the show got and they were huge for a cable show. Howard seems to think you could make a cool reality show even following around Gary from his show. They gave an example of what might happen in that yesterday. Gary would be coaching his son's little league team one Saturday morning and later that day he'd be in the bathroom pleasuring himself.
Howard changed subjects and ended up taking a couple of phone calls. One guy said that he loves the Anna Nicole show. Another caller had a theory about why Howard can't get celebrity guests but Howard got bored with him and hung up.
Howard took a call from his buddy Hunter who called in with Sean Lennon a couple of months ago. Hunter said after that his family did an intervention with him and had him arrested and put in rehab. They thought he was out of control. They had some woman come and evaluate him which led to him being put in an institution. Hunter said Sean moved out and now his mother is mad at him. Hunter said the girlfriend he stole from Andy Dick is long gone now too. Howard spent a couple minutes talking to Hunter before he moved on.
Azael came down with two women that will be part of the gang bang. Bridgette and Nikita were there with him. Howard eventually got around to talking to Nikita about her part in all of this. She's from the Czech Republic and barely speaks English. She knew the ''F-word'' though. Howard had to tell her not to use that on the air. Azael said that he doesn't use a condom during this ''reverse gang bang'' but Bridgette said she uses a liquid condom to protect herself.
Gary came in and said that Bridgette holds a world record herself. He said that she holds the record for the most chopsticks put in a ''dirty place'' (her ass) and had 103 of them in there. Howard said he heard that Bridgette has done so much anal stuff that she has to wear a diaper at night so she doesn't make a mess. Bridgette said that's absolutely not true. Howard read a few other things about her and found out that she has cut her whole family out of her life because they don't like what she does for a living. From what Howard read it sounds like the family thinks that she's ruined their lives. Bridgette said that her mother told her she needs ''tough love'' and have threatened her. Bridgette said it's their religious background that caused the problems. Bridgette told Howard she got into porn accidentally. She didn't plan on it but got ''sucked into'' it. She went on to say that her family told their friends about what she does and that led to their church parish finding out. That's why they've shunned her. Fred had sad music playing in the background the whole time this was going on. Howard wanted her to plea to her family to let her back so she said that she's told them that they should love her no matter what.
Howard wished them all luck and asked Azael when he found out he was able to perform like this. He said he knew when he was 4 or 5 years old. He also said that they did a study of him at Rutgers and found that he was able to orgasm like 6 times in 36 minutes. He said he can wear out his wife with this talent. Howard said he doesn't believe it. He seems to think that it's a trick. Azael says that he likes to orgasm 5 to 10 times a day.
Azael said he's never done anything like this before and he's kind of nervous about it. He's a Spanish teacher at a community college. He said that he was contacted by these people after they read about him in some sexual research journal. He said his wife understands that he's not really cheating on her so she doesn't have a problem with it.
KC came in and said he doesn't believe any of this and told Howard that they should have him ''snap off a few'' in the bathroom to prove it. Howard said he didn't want to watch that so KC could if he wanted to. KC didn't want any part of that though. Howard said they should send an eyewitness out to California to watch this guy do his thing. Benjy was one of the people mentioned for that job. Howard said someone will be out there to witness it.
Robin asked Azael what was up with his hair as Howard was wrapping up the segment. It was apparently unnaturally blonde and looked odd on him.
After taking a break Howard came back and said that the two women that were in were a little chubby for porno chicks. He said they had pretty faces but wondered if they're supposed to stay in shape. Howard said he wanted to ask them about it but they'd already left. Gary came in and said that Ronnie the Limo Driver ran out to try and catch them. One of the guys came in and said that Bridgette had just given birth like 2 weeks ago so that's why she's a bit chubby.
Howard killed some time talking about Britney Spears' sister and how they're trying to make her the next big pop star. Howard and Robin talked about how pathetic it is when families push their kids into stuff like that. Gary came in and said that Bridgette and Nikita already left so they couldn't chase them down.
That discussion led to them talking about how ''Jackass'' Steve-O recently got arrested after stapling his nuts to his leg like he did on Howard's show. He also included someone from the audience in the show he was doing and got in trouble after the guy got injured. KC came in and said that Steve wants to call in to talk about this stuff.
Howard brought up some other news stories to kill some time. He also took some phone calls and one guy had a story to tell about Dr. Phil. He claims that Dr. Phil got his medical degree from a Cracker Jack box. Howard said that he's not so sure about that but he'd never watch his show. He's seen him yelling at people on Oprah's show and the way he ''cures'' people is just wrong. Another caller told Howard about Dr. Phil berating people over the clothing they wear on one show he saw recently.
Howard got a call from a guy from Las Vegas who said they just passed a new law out there that says guys are no longer allowed to touch the strippers out there. He said you can't even put a dollar bill in their g-string. Howard and the guys spent some time talking about that and how guys are going to end up going to hookers if they can't go to these strip clubs and get touched by the women.
A phone caller asked Howard how his broken thumb has been lately. Howard said he learned one thing about having a thumb broken in 3 places... it's never the same. Howard said he has trouble bending it and moving it in certain ways. He said it still swells up and he has trouble gripping things. He's still doing therapy for it so Robin told him to give it some more time to heal. The caller also asked Howard if he's back to working out. Howard then bragged about what he does in his workouts. He's up to doing clapping push-ups now.
One of the callers mentioned an article he read at TheOnion.com so Howard ended up playing a new ''The Onion Radio News'' bit that he had. The report was about an Arab woman who removed her veil and was stoned to death. It was funny, I just can't explain it the right way.
Howard said he had a new Daniel Carver KKK message to play but he got sidetracked when he started talking about how they took him off the air up in Toronto partly because of these KKK messages he goofs on. That's when he ended up talking about how this guy John Hayes he used to work for at WNBC bought the station he was on up there. He went off on Hayes for a few minutes and goofed on the guy for a while. Gary also had some info on the guy that he read to Howard. Hayes takes credit for firing Howard but Howard said it was this guy Randy who did the firing. Howard said he liked this guy Randy though. Howard and Robin talked about some of the other things that went on at WNBC back then for a few minutes.
Howard finally got to the new Daniel Carver KKK message. Daniel talks about ''nig*er replacements'' which apparently meant Mexicans. Daniel continues to go off on all of the usual minority groups for a short time. He kept the message fairly short for some reason. Howard went to break after playing the call.
After the break Howard said that Anne Marie is a Barry Manilow fan so she went to see him in concert. She said the concert sucked though. Anne Marie came in and told Howard how he didn't do enough of his hit songs in the concert. He did a lot of new material that she didn't care about. She said the concert only lasted an hour and 15 minutes. She told Howard about some of the goofy stuff he did like ripping off his shirt and stuff like that. Anne Marie said that she and a couple friends of hers tailgated in the parking lot before the concert. The guys wondered if there were other hot chicks there at the concert. Anne Marie's friends were probably hot according to the guys. She said she saw some other hot looking women there. A couple of guys called in and said they were there too. One guy said the chicks were all fat and ugly while another guy said there were a lot of young, hot chicks there.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up this guy Lee Leonard who hosts some TV show in New Jersey. He likes to rip on Howard even though his wife, Kelly Bishop, played Howard's mother in ''Private Parts.'' Howard said he really doesn't care about stuff like that anymore. He had nothing but nice things to say about Kelly Bishop.
A woman called in and asked Howard how his girlfriend knows The Who's Pete Townshend. Howard explained that Beth dated a guy who was in ''Tommy'' the play and Pete was doing it at the time so she got to meet and hang out with the guy.
Wendy the Retard called in and told Howard she was enjoying the show today. She told him what parts of the show she was enjoying so much. She told Howard she wanted to put another friend of hers on the phone with Howard so she tried to do a three way call. She came back about a minute later and said she wasn't able to get Jack Hammer on the phone. Howard told her to try it again and this time it worked. Jack sounded retarded just like Wendy. He said he wanted to promote something on the show but Howard just wanted to know if he wanted to have sex with Wendy. Jack let out a laugh and didn't really answer. It turns out he's not retarded, he just has Cerebral Palsey. Wendy said she thought he was a little retarded but she was wrong. Jack wanted to read a letter to Howard but he didn't want to hear it. Jack said he wants to get into porn. Wendy had no idea what the guy was into. Howard said he just wanted to get out of the phone call so he let Wendy give a couple of shouts out to her friends. Wendy went on and on with names of her friends. Jack tried to interrupt so Wendy so she hung up on him and got him out of the three way call. Howard took a call from an angry listener who didn't want to hear about Wendy every day. Wendy ended up yelling right back at him. Howard wrapped up the call with that guy and tried to end it with Wendy but she wanted to sing a song for him. Howard just said ''Uh oh!'' The next thing you hear is the music for Ghostbusters playing in the background. She then sang a the song but replaced ''Ghostbusters'' with Howard's name.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she went to see Jackie the Joke Man do a show somewhere but he was canceled for his language. She said his career has gone downhill since he left the show. Fred played the crow cawing sound effect in the background as she spoke. Artie did her impression of her too.
The guys wondered how long Jackie lasted on stage before he was kicked off the stage. Stuttering John said that he never made it on stage because the people at the show decided to call it off before he got up there to curse. Crazy Cabbie also called in an said he saw Jackie recently. He said that Jackie looks homeless now. He said he's got a scraggly beard growing and he was just looking at the sky aimlessly as he was walking down the street. Cabbie went on to defend some of the stuff the press has been saying about President Bush lately. Fred played the Grandpa Al Lewis ''bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla'' sound effect as Cabbie rambled on.
Mariann was back on the phone to talk about the Jackie thing for a few seconds. Howard already found out the info he wanted though so he got off the phone. Artie then went nuts making fun of Mariann doing his impression of her for a full 30 seconds just screaming like a crow.
After taking another break Howard moved on to Robin's news.
Howard mentioned the upcoming guests for the morning and spent some time talking about them. They also spent some time goofing on Fred Savage who they were thinking of having on as a guest this week. He's out promoting ''Austin Powers in Goldmember.'' Howard didn't think he'd be that great of a guest. Howard and the guys goofed around with what his publicist must say to him when no decent shows will have him on and he gets stuck doing the weather with some lame DJ on a top 40 station. Howard ended up saying that he was a ''Wonder Years'' fan and then started thinking that he might want him on the show. Then Gary told Howard that he thinks Fred just isn't available to them anyway. Then they started talking about how odd he looks now that he's grown up. Howard said he was a cute kid but when he grew up he turned out kind of strange looking.
Howard talked about this woman Ryan Starr who was voted off ''American Idol.'' She was coming on the show later in the morning so Howard spent some time talking about the show and some of the contestants and judges.
Howard took a couple of phone calls before taking his first break. Double A called in to talk about how great ''Son of the Beach'' was last night with Gilbert Gottfried as Nocula and Nochus Johnstein. Bobo also called in and talked about how great the show was. He also asked about Howard's new show ''Kane'' and what's going on with that. Howard said it's still in development but he's waiting to talk to Les Moonves from CBS about whether the show is going to be 30 minutes or 60 minutes. Bobo asked Howard what ever happened to the cartoon ''Doomsday'' that he was supposed to have on UPN. Howard said that fell through because of 9/11. Howard went on to talk about how long it takes to get these shows on the air before taking his first break of the morning.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he saw a woman's breast on the E! show last night at 11pm. Howard said he got a bunch of faxes about that show so apparently it's true. Robin Radzinski from E! came in and said that it's true, she just watched it. Last time something slipped through it was a guys penis. She reminded Howard about that small penis contest when they let a tiny weiner on the air. Howard told the caller that he's working on a compilation tape from the E! show that he's going to call ''Howard Stern Unblocked'' which will feature the nude women from the show... unblocked. He said he's already started work on it.
Howard said that when he retires he wants to own a farm somewhere so he can have a couple of dogs and a bunch of land. He said he'd want Fred as a farm hand since he grew up on a farm. Howard said he'd continue to work so he'd pop up on Letterman once in a while. He said he'd call it ''Stern Acres'' and he'd raise jokes there.
Howard took a call from a guy who could barely speak. He was trying to make a point about being misdiagnosed for 20 years. He said he's had a hernia and he's been told he's had ulcers and stuff like that for 20 years. Howard couldn't take the guy's voice so he ended up hanging up on the guy.
Another caller was sitting on the side of the road waiting for a cop to finish up with his ticket so he called in. He was asking Howard about getting some work done on his penis. He said something about it being ''only'' 8 inches long when he's aroused. Howard told him that he'd kill to have that much and he shouldn't be thinking of getting any work done on it. He said if the woman he's with isn't happy with it, he should move on to other women. Howard ended up talking about his penis for a couple of minutes and how he tries to chub up when people are going to see his tiny weiner.
Howard found out about the one question that had the delay button hit and of course he got pissed. He wrapped up the call shortly after that.
Howard said Dolly has been putting out bluegrass albums lately but she did a remake of ''Stairway to Heaven'' and he wanted to listen to it again. Howard wondered if this cover version was considered ''bluegrass.'' Howard ended up goofing on her sheep-like voice quivering and tried to figure out what the song is actually about.
Howard got back to the e-mail and read one from a guy who wanted to hear the Daniel Carver KKK message from yesterday because he wants to put it on his own answering machine. Howard replayed the message and goofed on some of the wacky stuff Daniel talks about in the message.
Other e-mails told Howard to wait at least a year before his thumb feels right. Others said they love Artie's impression of Mariann from Brooklyn.
Howard read some e-mails about the Anna Nicole Smith show. Some people hated it and some don't understand why anyone who likes Howard's show wouldn't like Anna's show.
During the news yesterday Howard farted over Jennifer Aniston talking and people loved that. Howard replayed it for those who didn't get to hear it.
Howard played tape of Veronica Webb talking about her house catching fire because her electric car had a malfunction and overloaded. Howard doesn't understand why anyone would by an electric car that you have to plug into your house anyway. He goofed on that for a short time.
Howard also played some tape of Stuttering John interviewing Deion Sanders recently. They had John ask the same questions Deion asked while he was the host of the Miss America Pageant. Howard goofed on his delivery back then so John asked the questions with the same type of delivery. John's impression was very close and he actually sounded like Deion. Howard played clips of John and Deion mixed together to show the similarity. Deion didn't seem to get that John was asking the same questions he asked in the pageant. Deion eventually got fed up with some of the dopey questions he was asking. He was very nice about it but didn't want John cursing (he said Hell) and wondered where he got that goofy voice he was asking the questions with.
Howard took another break and took some phone calls after that. A caller asked Howard if his ex-wife was seeing her new husband on the side while she was still with Howard. Howard said he didn't want to talk about any of that stuff since it's her private life. He said he wouldn't call what they have a friendship but they still talk to one another. They try to treat the kids right and don't fight with each other. Howard ended up talking about how hard it is sometimes for couples to talk to one another civilly when they split. He said you have to put your differences aside for the kids sometimes.
A 22 year old woman called in to talk about having two kids and postpartum depression. She was telling Howard her life story but Howard ended up telling her that she shouldn't have had kids at such an early age. He said that she needs to get help for her problems and he wasn't the one to give it to her.
Howard took a few more phone calls before getting to Jim Florentine. One guy wondered if he puts someone's name on HopeYouDie.com can he get in trouble if the person actually dies. Howard didn't really have an answer for the guy and hung up on him.
Another caller asked Howard about taking off last Friday for vacation. Howard said he gets 8 weeks a year and he's going to use every single day of that. He pointed out that TV shows take months off during the summer so there's no reason to complain about him taking on a Friday now and then. The caller also wanted to know how someone goes about getting a script read because his sister has one that she's trying to sell. Howard told the guy he had a script consultant on the phone and he'd put her on with him. It turned out to be Wendy the Retard who always plays along with what Howard tells her to. She gave the guy some bogus info about where to send a script. Howard then spent a few more minutes talking to Wendy about sex and porn. Howard said she doesn't even know what sex is. Yesterday he had to explain to her what a porno was. Howard tried to end the call with Wendy but she had to sing a song to him first. She ended up singing something unrecognizable.
Howard played one of the calls from the new CD where Jim is a priest who is getting out of the priesthood and has porn movies playing in the background as he talks to a telemarketer. He also tells the woman he's going to take money from the collection box to pay for this service he's talking to her about. The woman finally hangs up and tells Jim not to waste their time.
Howard said that this is Jim's ''Sgt. Peppers'' album. Jim said he brought in a couple of other guys to help out with the CD during some of the calls. He said one of his buddies gives him ideas for some of the calls. He also said he works on this stuff all day long from 8am to 8pm.
Howard said the best call is the retard getting excited over getting a free cell phone. Howard played that call too. He spent a few minutes talking to Jim about some of the other calls he's done. Jim said at one point he had to stop doing the calls because the cops showed up at his home. He'd made a call where he told a telemarketer that he'd hit this old woman and broke her hip. She was trying to get him to have some money put into his bank account and Jim is figuring out how much it's going to cost to pay for this woman's broken hip. When he figures that it's going to cost him like $7000 he tells the telemarketer that it would be cheaper just to kill the woman. The telemarketer says nothing and there's dead silence from her end. She finally tells him that she has to end the call. Jim said after that the cops showed up at his apartment. He explained to them that he was making phony phone calls. They looked at his license and saw that he was 37 years old and said he was too old to be doing this stuff. Jim said he's not sure if he'll be able to do a fourth ''Terrorizing Telemarketers'' because it takes so much out of his personal life.
Howard played the call that Jim had described and they got some laughs from it even though Jim said it didn't have any in it. Artie told him there were lots of laughs there.
KC came in and brought up something Jim did to his friend Rev. Bob Levy when they were staying at a hotel somewhere. Jim took a dump in Bob's upper toilet tank, a trick known as an ''upper decker'', so every time Bob flushed his toilet the water would be brown. Howard didn't want to get into that with KC but ended up telling the story anyway. KC also told Howard about going to the track with Jim. Jim has really bad smelling farts and he was standing next to this 6 year old kid at the track. He told KC to watch as he farted next to the kid. He said the kid would smell it and be sickened by the smell. KC said Jim ended up waving over the stink so the kid would smell it.
Howard wrapped up the segment after 15 minutes or so. Jim is doing a bunch of CD release parties around the country, mostly in the Northeast, and you can find out where he's appearing by visiting his web site JimFlorentine.com.
They talked about the possibility of the Major League Baseball guys going on strike. Howard told him not to worry about doing that because they deserve the money they're trying to get. Gary said that if they do go on strike, no one will ever come back to watch them again. Howard said that's a bunch of B.S. Though. People will come back to watch no matter what. Artie said he's addicted to baseball and he'd be right there after a strike.
Howard asked Barry if he's getting a lot of chicks now that he's famous. He said that he's not dating anyone famous and that he has a theory about guys who date famous chicks. He said he thinks that they might be gay and they're just dating famous chicks to prove they're not gay.
Howard read that Barry has sent his sister scabs from his cuts in the mail. Barry said that he and his sister do stuff to gross each other out and that's one of the things he's done. He said his sister has sent him blisters and stuff like that. Barry said he shares an apartment with his sister also.
Howard told Barry that he has to come in sometime to talk about all of this stuff in person. He wrapped up the call a short time later.
Howard read that Ryan said she'd never do Playboy so he asked her about that. She said she's still young and she has no desire to do it.
Howard said that he loves this ''American Idol'' show but he'd get rid of the two guys who host it. He also said he'd get rid of Paula Abdul. Ryan defended her and said that she's a really nice person. Howard said that's part of the problem. She never says anything negative and holds back her opinion. Howard also talked about fat ''the black guy'', Randy Jackson, who just repeats people's names 3 times when he's going to comment on them.
Howard spent some time talking to Ryan about staying in the house all of the contestants stay in on the show. Ryan said there were some people she didn't get along with in the house at first but they eventually did okay. Howard asked her about how they work out the types of music they have them perform and stuff like that. Ryan said that they're not allowed to perform original songs for some reason. They have to perform songs that are well known.
Ryan said she's going to be doing some modeling when she gets home. Howard read that she hasn't even had sex yet. She said that guys don't even hit on her. She said that a couple of guys came on to her in high school but it was never the good looking guys. She told Howard it was tough to live in that house because she'd never lived with guys before. She has 3 sisters so she didn't know what it would be like. She went on to say that she has dated guys but she's only been kissed. Howard said that her body is going to waste.
Gary came in and said that Tobey Maguire is a friend of hers. She claims that he just got her phone number and he wasn't hitting on her. Howard said she's very naive because that's what guys do. He said Tobey probably has her on his long list... He'll call and call until she breaks down and he takes her virginity. Ryan doesn't believe that's what he's up to though.
Howard asked Ryan if she ever masturbates or anything like that. She said she never does that and doesn't even think about doing it even though her friends talk about doing it.
Gary came in and told Ryan that iWon.com authorized him to offer her $1000 to get into a bikini. She turned that offer down so he raised it to $2000 but she turned down that offer also.
Howard asked Ryan if she thought she was going to win the contest. She said she really didn't think so but she refused to say who she thinks will win. She said that it might be one of the two black chicks left on the show. Howard said he thinks the ''afro black chick'' will win it. He was talking about Tamyra I believe. Robin said that she thinks Kelly has more to offer and she may win it.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Ryan. One guy said that he thinks Howard should promote this girl himself. He also asked if she could sing a little something for the audience. Howard told the guy to leave her alone and hung up on her. He joked that he was going to meet with her after the show. Another caller told Howard to get this ''tease'' off the show because she's boring. A caller asked her if she'd be willing to get a nose job because she looked kind of like Kevin Bacon on the show. Howard said on TV her nose did look a little strange but in person it looked fine. He said she looked really good in person. Howard told her to come back sometime and perform one of her own songs. Gary then came in and offered her that chance if she'd get into the bikini... plus $3000 from iWon.com.
Howard joked that Ryan wanted him to take her virginity but she made sure she said that wasn't true. She then asked him if he's dating anyone. He explained that he was married for only 4 years and said that he doesn't have any kids. Robin then broke the news to her that he actually has a daughter that's the same age as Ryan. Ryan estimated Howard's age at 35 at one point so Howard stuck with that. Robin kept telling her more info about how he actually has 3 daughters.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) from Steppin' Out Magazine called in and offered to put her on the cover and do a 6 page spread if she got into a bikini. Ryan said she'll get into a bikini once she's famous and works out every day. Howard gave a couple of plugs for ''American Idol'' and wrapped up the interview.
Howard had a little bit of a sore throat this morning and bragged that he didn't take a sick day today. He said he had to come in because it's Robin's 50th birthday. She said she read the card he gave her and almost cried. Howard said it took three years of therapy for him to write what he did. He didn't read exactly what he wrote to her though.
Howard said there were a lot of people who wanted to wish her a happy birthday but the only celebrity they could dig up right away was Artie. It turns out Fred had a whole CD full of celebrity birthday wishes for her. Fred said Howard wouldn't stop talking long enough for him to play any of the clips so that's why he didn't tell him he had the CD.
Howard said he had a mystery caller to wish Robin a happy birthday. As soon as everyone heard his voice they knew it was High Pitch Eric. He sang a few lines of ''Happy Birthday'' to her but Howard cut him off and hung up. A listener called in and asked what Robin is doing with Mr. X on her birthday. She said they'll probably just go to dinner. Howard went on to say that Robin's office was filled with flowers this morning. Robin said that she got flowers from her agent, Don Buchwald, and from Tom Chiusano and the radio station.
Howard said he actually hates air conditioning so he's not completely freaked out by the situation but if he were some big fat guy, he'd be going crazy. Howard said they also tell him that it's the way the apartment is vented.
Howard said he'd like to say the name of this company on the air so no one else will use them. Howard said he just wants them to get up there and fix the damn thing. He says he's going to tell the guy that if it's not fixed in three weeks he's going to give out a letter a day until he spells out the name of the company.
Howard took a call from someone who wanted to know if Robin has any grey hair in her pubic area. Robin said that she hasn't found any yet.
Howard talked about a Russian woman who grabbed him out on the street thinking that he was Jerry Seinfeld. He thought that was kind of strange.
A phone caller asked Howard if he's going to take more vacation after the long vacation he took this summer. Howard said that he hopes that he can get even more because he hardly takes any off compared to other people in show business. He also pointed out that teachers get the whole summer off.
Throughout the show Howard played short clips of celebrities wishing Robin Happy Birthday. Some of them were phony clips with just regular people playing the voice of certain celebs. The clips included Colin Hanks, Dana Reeve, Chuck Norris, Antonio Banderas (Phony), Vin Diesel (Phony), Fred Durst, Smokin' Joe Frazier, Jonathan Davis, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elizabeth Hurley (Phony), Alan Iverson (Phony), Jolene Blalock, Tom Hanks (Phony), Tobey Maguire, The Rock, Geraldo Rivera, Andy Dick and a few others.
Howard said he and Gary had a meeting yesterday and talked about what they're going to do for their 9/11 show. Howard said he heard that a lot of other stations are going commercial free all morning so he's thinking of doing that himself.
That discussion led to the guys talking about some of the strange things that have happened since 9/11. Gary brought up a story about a woman who is suing an airline because they made her drink her own breast milk to prove it was safe since they had no idea what it was. Howard said that's not such a big sacrifice to ensure the safety of our country. He said the woman should drop the lawsuit and get over it.
Stuttering John came in and said that Ronnie the Limo Driver drank some breast milk at his party. For some reason he drank some of Brian Phelan's wife's breast milk out of a bottle. The guys think he did it because he was drunk. Howard said he'd never do anything crazy like that if he got drunk.
Ronnie was also yelling at the party that Artie was the ''new Jackie'' and his girlfriend was the ''new Nancy'' and Jackie was at the party. Gary said he knew that when Ronnie hears about this he's going to come in and say ''What are you talkin' about?'' A few minutes later he came in and said ''What are you talkin' about?'' and had no idea that they predicted he'd say that. After being reminded about the breast milk thing he remembered it. He said he didn't yell about Artie being the new Jackie though.
Howard said that he got an advance copy of the Anna Nicole Smith show and got sucked into it. He didn't think that it was going to be that great but once he watch it he wanted more. He played a clip from the show where Anna is smothering her son with her hugs and kisses. The guys all said they feel sorry for that kid. Howard said E! has a hit on their hands with that show.
Robin brought up last night's ''American Idol'' and how they voted off one of ''the black women.'' Howard seemed to be surprised to hear that.
Howard said they got a lot of mail about Ryan Starr being on the show and a lot of them didn't think she was a good guest. Howard said he doesn't care though because she was hot. Artie said he wanted her back too.
Howard brought up the party that Robin is throwing for Fred next week. Fred's birthday was on July 9th so it's a little late. Robin said that there will be about 35-40 people at the party. She said there will be some surprise guests there too. Fred thanked her in advance because he said he'd probably be miserable afterward.
Robin said they've picked out the type of cake he likes (chocolate, chocolate) and they'll have an open bar. Howard was happy to hear about the alcohol being available.
Robin said there will be about 5 tables at the restaurant and she'll probably have a designated table of honor which would include Howard and Fred. Howard said he doesn't really want that honor though.
KC was also there and he doesn't eat much. Howard said he ordered chicken and didn't eat the skin or anything. Gary and Howard said he eats like a chick. Artie said he's a fascinating guy because he's the healthiest guy in the world but he's got a gambling problem. He said he's at the track on a Wednesday afternoon while everyone else there looks like him (Artie). Howard said KC doesn't talk much. Jason and Will don't talk much either according to Howard.
Gary said 3 years ago Will was a kid who wrote him a letter and idolized him, now he's working for him so he's a little overwhelmed. Will came in and said that he was talking but Howard said he was trying to get them to talk but it was tough. He called Will a dud.
Howard said there were some hot chicks at the table behind them so Howard was trying to get the guys to do work some magic with them but they didn't do anything. Jason came in and said he was a little nervous being out with Howard. Howard joked around and said that they should be more talkative when he takes them on the camping trip that's coming up.
When the guys left the restaurant Gary found a banana on his windshield. It turns out KC was in charge of the parking meter and he didn't have any change so he had to go buy something at someplace to get change. He bought a banana and just put it on Gary's windshield. The guys seem to think he's been hanging around with Jim Florentine too much and that's where he's getting these wacky ideas.
Will and Jason live together in the city since they don't make all that much money working for the show. Dave Chappelle joked that next season on NBC we'll see a new show called ''Will and Jason.''
Howard took another call and the caller sang ''Happy Birthday'' to Robin. Wendy tried to guess who the caller was. She asked him a few questions and Robin recognized his voice. Howard told Wendy it was Bill Clinton and she believed it. Robin broke the news that it was Jon Bon Jovi. Wendy knew his song ''My Life'' and sang some of it for Howard and Jon.
Howard then did his usual thing with Wendy and asked her if Jon raped her. She plays along with it and always says yes. It sounded like Jon was regretting even calling in when that started. Jon told Howard not to make fun of a handicapped woman like that. He said it was mean. Howard joked that all of the guys in the band banged her and she agreed. Wendy did all of her shout-outs to all of her friends but somehow lost the connection before she was able to sing her song. Jon told Howard he was going to hell after all of that.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Jon about his new album ''Bounce'' that's coming out October 8th. Howard said Bon Jovi have sold 90 million records during their existence and Jon must be worth a lot. Howard estimated that he's worth about $400 million. John said that sounds like a good number to him.
Wendy the Retard called back and said her phone went dead. She got to sing her song which was, once again, unrecognizable. Jon said it sounded like ''The Vines'' or ''The Hives'' or one of those out of tune garage bands and it was perfect. Howard hung up on her before she finished.
Howard said it was going to play one of Jon's new songs but he played one of those racist songs that they've played in the past. Howard then went on to play some of the new music that's out there and asked him what he thinks of people like Avril Lavigne. John said he thinks Avril is cute so Howard asked him if he'd bang her. John said he might look for her mother but not her. She's too young for him. Howard said he's full of it and he'd bang her.
Howard and Jon ended up talking about this list of the greatest guitar players that Robin brought up the other day. They talked about some of the people who don't belong on the list and the ones who do.
Howard and Jon spent a couple of minutes talking about ''American Idol'' and how great the show is. Then Howard finally got to the new Bon Jovi single ''Every Day'' which is being played on radio stations already.
Howard wrapped up the call and spent a few minutes talking about Jon after he got off the phone. He then took a break.
Fred also played a clip of Howard singing the Foo Fighters' ''Everlong'' which was really bad too. That led to the guys talking about ''American Idol.'' Howard had some clips to play from the show so they did that for a short time. They goofed on Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson about the way they go easy on the contestants. The only guy who has any balls is Simon Cowell. He tells the contestants the way it is and the audience just boos him.
Dave Chappelle asked him if he eats the candy after inserting the dispenser. Robin just wondered why they were talking to him. Howard ended up thanking him a few seconds later and got off the phone. Dennis was about to ask people to give to his Pez Pleasure Palace fund'' but Howard didn't let him give out any info about that.
Howard said he's still getting a lot of e-mail about Anna Nicole Smith and her show. The audience is still split on it.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to complain about the Anna Nicole thing. He said he feels that the show is ''forced'' and Howard agrees that sometimes it does seem that way. They spent a couple of minutes talking about the show and goofing on the guy on the phone. He had a southern accent so Artie picked up on that and goofed on the guy for a while.
They ended up talking about Daniel Carver from the KKK. Howard said when you hear that guy's accent you can't even take him seriously. Howard replayed the Daniel Carver message he played earlier in the week and made fun of that for a couple of minutes.
The George Takei laugh came in handy after playing the message. Howard then decided to replay the whole George Takei interview for Dave Chappelle. They had some fun making fun of Takei's laugh and deep voice. Howard said he could listen to the interview every day.
Howard moved on and got back to the e-mail he's gotten. He said a few people wrote to him about the Stuttering John interview with Deion Sanders. They loved it so Howard wanted to replay that bit also. He had to take a break first though.
Howard had another mystery caller for Robin's birthday. It was just Crazy Cabbie though. Howard told her it was Janet Reno. Cabbie told Robin what a gem she is to work with every day.
Howard took a call from someone who claims to be attracted to Dave Chappelle. Gay Ramone said he likes Dave because his boyfriend looks just like him. Howard didn't keep him on the phone for long.
Howard took a quick call from Shannon Briggs who was supposed to be a mystery caller. He blurted out his name as soon as Howard picked up. They spent a few minutes talking to him about all of the fights he's lost over the years. He said he wants to take on Mike Tyson now. Howard asked him if there are any other fighters he wants to lose to. He wrapped up the call shortly after that.
Howard also talked about doing ''The Hate Boat'' and may work on something like that together. David also said that he wants Howard to do a Joey Ramone movie with him because he looks kind of like him. Howard said he'd talk to him about that at a later time.
David and Howard spent some time talking about this Lance Bass thing. David said there are other celebrities who also want to go into space and this will be an ongoing thing. He said people like Tom Cruise, Steven Tyler and Cindy Crawford are interested in this stuff. Howard wondered why anyone would want to do anything like that with the Russians because a movie like ''K-19'' shows how incompetent they are. David said that they haven't had any fatalities in their space program yet so they're very competent. (A listener called in later and said that's not true, they've had a couple of deaths over the years.) Howard doesn't understand how a country that can't even supply their people with toilet paper can have a space ship. David told Howard this ship is a new one and will work out just fine.
Wendy the Retard called in again and asked David a bunch of dopey questions. Cerebral Palsy Jack Hammer was also on the phone again with Wendy. Howard didn't let them say all that much before hanging up on them though.
Howard spent a little longer talking to David before getting off the phone. David said sponsors are flocking to this show and it will air on a ''cool, hip, network.'' He wouldn't say what network that is though. He said they'll be making their own announcement in the near future.
The Ghost of Robin's Father called in to wish her a happy birthday. It turned out to be Sal the Stockbroker who managed to get the delay button hit on him.
Howard said Craig was running around the station saying that he turned down a network development deal worth ''hundreds of thousands of dollars.'' Craig said that he only told John about it and it wasn't ''hundreds of thousands.'' Howard told him that's like running around telling the whole station. Craig said he's got other stuff in the works and he didn't want to commit to just one network. He said the deal would have meant that he could only appear on that network and he didn't want that. He mentioned something about HBO wanting to do some movies with him and stuff like that. Meanwhile, Howard pointed out that he'll be appearing at Uncle Funnies in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida from August 14th to the 18th. Howard moved on to Robin's news and had Craig and Dave Chappelle hang out to comment on stuff.
Daniel Carver from the KKK called in to wish Robin a happy birthday. He had nothing bad to say about her today. Howard said this is the first time he's been on the show that it seems he actually likes Robin. Daniel said she's never done anything to him and he can't say anything bad about her. He said he also likes George Jefferson and Eddie Murphy too because they make him laugh.
Howard asked Daniel if the KKK could remove his hood if other members found out he's wishing Robin a happy birthday. Howard gave Daniel a hypothetical situation and asked if all of the black people had to be sent back to Africa tomorrow, would Robin have to go. He said she'd have to go and so would Eddie Murphy and George Jefferson. He said he wouldn't even write to her.
Howard was still impressed with the progress Daniel has made since he was able to call in and wish her a happy birthday. Howard said this is also the first time Daniel hasn't used ''the N-word'' on the air. Robin used it so Daniel pointed that out and got a laugh out of it. Daniel said he's 52 years old and also said that if Robin is 50, and she's black, she probably won't live much longer.
Howard said he was almost thinking Daniel was calling in from the Martin Luther King center. Artie started quoting some of the stuff Daniel mentioned in the message Howard played earlier. That started to get him revved up so Howard wanted to cut him off before he got carried away.
Howard got off the phone with Daniel and talked about how amazing it was that he didn't say ''the N-word.'' He's still a racist but it seems that he's taking ''baby steps'' toward getting over his racism.
Dave said that they might be shooting some stuff at the comedy clubs in the city. Howard told him to let him know when he's there so he can come check him out.
Craig Gass told Howard that Dave is the funniest guy out there right now too. Howard didn't know what voice he was doing with that comment. Craig had to go into his Sam Kinison after that. Howard asked Craig about doing Sex and the City and what he gets to do in his scenes. He said that he gets to do some sex scenes and it gets pretty graphic. Howard had Craig do some of his other impressions like his Al Pacino.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She read through a few more stories while Craig and Dave stuck around. Craig did some more of his Sam Kinison voice during some of the stories.
Howard took a few more mystery calls for Robin. He had Michael Buffer and a few others call in with some quick birthday wishes. Howard also had this guy Mike come in before they ended the show. Mike said that he wanted to tell Robin how lovely he finds her. He said he had some sweaty palms this morning so Howard told him to wipe them on KC's crotch.
Mike told the guys that the show keeps him going and it really means a lot to him. He brought in some flowers for Robin so Howard thanked him for that.
Howard took a call from a wheezing Sal the Stockbroker who was pretending to be Mohammad Ali. A few more people called in with birthday wishes and then Howard wrapped up the show. He thanked Dave for coming in and thanked a few other people who called in. He ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard said there were a lot of people who wanted to wish her a happy birthday but the only celebrity they could dig up right away was Artie. It turns out Fred had a whole CD full of celebrity birthday wishes for her. Fred said Howard wouldn't stop talking long enough for him to play any of the clips so that's why he didn't tell him he had the CD.
Howard said he had a mystery caller to wish Robin a happy birthday. As soon as everyone heard his voice they knew it was High Pitch Erik. He sang a few lines of ''Happy Birthday'' to her but Howard cut him off and hung up. A listener called in and asked what Robin is doing with Mr. X on her birthday. She said they'll probably just go to dinner. Howard went on to say that Robin's office was filled with flowers this morning. Robin said that she got flowers from her agent, Don Buchwald, and from Tom Chiusano and the radio station.
Howard changed subjects and talked about how the air conditioning in his apartment doesn't work and the people who fix it tell him there's not enough power in the building for it. The repairmen fix it for short periods of time though, so it can't be the power. Howard said he actually hates air conditioning so he's not completely freaked out by the situation but if he were some big fat guy, he'd be going crazy. Howard said they also tell him that it's the way the apartment is vented. Howard said he'd like to say the name of this company on the air so no one else will use them. Howard said he just wants them to get up there and fix the damn thing. He says he's going to tell the guy that if it's not fixed in three weeks he's going to give out a letter a day until he spells out the name of the company.
Howard took a call from someone who wanted to know if Robin has any grey hair in her pubic area. Robin said that she hasn't found any yet.
Throughout the show Howard played short clips of celebrities wishing Robin Happy Birthday. Some of them were phony clips with just regular people playing the voice of certain celebs. The clips included Colin Hanks, Dana Reeve, Chuck Norris, Antonio Banderas (Phony), Vin Diesel (Phony), Fred Durst, Smokin' Joe Frazier, Jonathan Davis, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elizabeth Hurley (Phony), Alan Iverson (Phony), Jolene Blalock, Tom Hanks (Phony), Tobey Maguire, The Rock, Geraldo Rivera, Andy Dick and a few others.
Howard said he read an article about how two laptops are missing from a Military Command Center. Howard spent a few minutes talking about that and how incompetent they must be there.
Howard said he and Gary had a meeting yesterday and talked about what they're going to do for their 9/11 show. Howard said he heard that a lot of other stations are going commercial free all morning so he's thinking of doing that himself. That discussion led to the guys talking about some of the strange things that have happened since 9/11. Gary brought up a story about a woman who is suing an airline because they made her drink her own breast milk to prove it was safe since they had no idea what it was. Howard said that's not such a big sacrifice to ensure the safety of our country. He said the woman should drop the lawsuit and get over it.
Stuttering John came in and said that Ronnie the Limo Driver drank some breast milk at his party. For some reason he drank some of Brian Phelan's wife's breast milk out of a bottle. The guys think he did it because he was drunk. Howard said he'd never do anything crazy like that if he got drunk. He was also yelling at the party that Artie was the ''new Jackie'' and his girlfriend was the ''new Nancy'' and Jackie was at the party. Gary said he knew that when Ronnie hears about this he's going to come in and say ''What are you talkin' about?'' A few minutes later he came in and said ''What are you talkin' about?'' and had no idea that they predicted he'd say that. After being reminded about the breast milk thing he remembered it. He said he didn't yell about Artie being the new Jackie though.
Howard said that he got an advance copy of the Anna Nicole Smith show and got sucked into it. He didn't think that it was going to be that great but once he watch it he wanted more. He played a clip from the show where Anna is smothering her son with her hugs and kisses. The guys all said they feel sorry for that kid. Howard said E! has a hit on their hands with that show.
Robin brought up last night's ''American Idol'' and how they voted off one of ''the black women.'' Howard seemed to be surprised to hear that.
Howard said they got a lot of mail about Ryan Starr being on the show and a lot of them didn't think she was a good guest. Howard said he doesn't care though because she was hot. Artie said he wanted her back too.
After taking a break Howard took some phone calls and one of them was ''You Skanky Ho'' Jeff. John the Stutterer also called in and said Robin looks like she's only 35. He was stuttering pretty bad and Fred wasn't helping things out by doing his impression of him. Robin said that was pretty hard for him so she really appreciated the call.
Howard brought up the party that Robin is throwing for Fred next week. Fred's birthday was on July 9th so it's a little late. Robin said that there will be about 35-40 people at the party. She said there will be some surprise guests there too. Fred thanked her in advance because he said he'd probably be miserable afterward.
Robin said they've picked out the type of cake he likes (chocolate, chocolate) and they'll have an open bar. Howard was happy to hear about the alcohol being available.
Robin said there will be about 5 tables at the restaurant and she'll probably have a designated table of honor which would include Howard and Fred. Howard said he doesn't really want that honor though.
Howard moved on and talked about his dinner with Gary, Jason and Will. Gary recently told Howard how great Jason and Will are doing their jobs. Howard said Jason types in the log for the show and Will books guests and does research for them. He went on to talk about going out to the restaurant Josephina. KC was also there and he doesn't eat much. Howard said he ordered chicken and didn't eat the skin or anything. Gary and Howard said he eats like a chick. Artie said he's a fascinating guy because he's the healthiest guy in the world but he's got a gambling problem. He said he's at the track on a Wednesday afternoon while everyone else there looks like him (Artie). Howard said KC doesn't talk much. Jason and Will don't talk much either according to Howard. Gary said 3 years ago Will was a kid who wrote him a letter and idolized him, now he's working for him so he's a little overwhelmed. Will came in and said that he was talking but Howard said he was trying to get them to talk but it was tough. He called Will a dud.
Howard said there were some hot chicks at the table behind them so Howard was trying to get the guys to do work some magic with them but they didn't do anything. Jason came in and said he was a little nervous being out with Howard. Howard joked around and said that they should be more talkative when he takes them on the camping trip that's coming up.
When the guys left the restaurant Gary found a banana on his windshield. It turns out KC was in charge of the parking meter and he didn't have any change so he had to go buy something at someplace to get change. He bought a banana and just put it on Gary's windshield. The guys seem to think he's been hanging around with Jim Florentine too much and that's where he's getting these wacky ideas.
Will and Jason live together in the city since they don't make all that much money working for the show. Dave Chappelle joked that next season on NBC we'll see a new show called ''Will and Jason.''
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Jon about his new album ''Bounce'' that's coming out October 8th. Howard said Bon Jovi have sold 90 million records during their existence and Jon must be worth a lot. Howard estimated that he's worth about $400 million. John said that sounds like a good number to him.
Wendy the Retard called back and said her phone went dead. She got to sing her song which was, once again, unrecognizable. Jon said it sounded like ''The Vines'' or ''The Hives'' or one of those out of tune garage bands and it was perfect. Howard hung up on her before she finished.
Howard said it was going to play one of Jon's new songs but he played one of those racist songs that they've played in the past. Howard then went on to play some of the new music that's out there and asked him what he thinks of people like Avril Levigne. John said he thinks Avril is cute so Howard asked him if he'd bang her. John said he might look for her mother but not her. She's too young for him. Howard said he's full of it and he'd bang her.
Howard and Jon ended up talking about this list of the greatest guitar players that Robin brought up the other day. They talked about some of the people who don't belong on the list and the ones who do.
Howard and Jon spent a couple of minutes talking about ''American Idol'' and how great the show is. Then Howard finally got to the new Bon Jovi single ''Every Day'' which is being played on radio stations already.
Howard wrapped up the call and spent a few minutes talking about Jon after he got off the phone. He then took a break.
Dave Chappelle asked him if he eats the candy after inserting the dispenser. Robin just wondered why they were talking to him. Howard ended up thanking him a few seconds later and got off the phone. Dennis was about to ask people to give to his Pez Pleasure Palace fund'' but Howard didn't let him give out any info about that.
Howard said he's still getting a lot of e-mail about Anna Nicole Smith and her show. The audience is still split on it. Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to complain about the Anna Nicole thing. He said he feels that the show is ''forced'' and Howard agrees that sometimes it does seem that way. They spent a couple of minutes talking about the show and goofing on the guy on the phone. He had a southern accent so Artie picked up on that and goofed on the guy for a while. They ended up talking about Daniel Carver from the KKK. Howard said when you hear that guy's accent you can't even take him seriously. Howard replayed the Daniel Carver message he played earlier in the week and made fun of that for a couple of minutes. The George Takei laugh came in handy after playing the message. Howard then decided to replay the whole George Takei interview for Dave Chappelle. They had some fun making fun of Takei's laugh and deep voice. Howard said he could listen to the interview every day.
Howard moved on and got back to the e-mail he's gotten. He said a few people wrote to him about the Stuttering John interview with Deion Sanders. They loved it so Howard wanted to replay that bit also. He had to take a break first though.
After the break Howard played a couple more birthday wishes for Robin and took a call from the Napier brothers, Mike and Terry. Mariann from Brooklyn also called in and screeched out a song for Robin. Of course Artie did his impression while Fred played the crow cawing in the background.
Howard then replayed the Stuttering John with Deion Sanders interview that they played on yesterday's show.
Howard had another mystery caller for Robin's birthday. It was just Crazy Cabbie though. Howard told her it was Janet Reno. Cabbie told Robin what a gem she is to work with every day.
Howard took a call from someone who claims to be attracted to Dave Chappelle. Gay Ramone said he likes Dave because his boyfriend looks just like him. Howard didn't keep him on the phone for long.
Howard brought up this article he read about Steve O from ''Jackass'' being arrested for stapling his nuts to his leg at an event he was at. Howard said they tried to get him on the phone but they got a letter from his lawyer instead. The letter said the first stop for Steve O will be The Howard Stern Show but right now he's under the threat of legal action so he can't appear on the show at this time. They'll have an official statement from Steve sometime in the near future.
Howard took a quick call from Shannon Briggs who was supposed to be a mystery caller. He blurted out his name as soon as Howard picked up. They spent a few minutes talking to him about all of the fights he's lost over the years. He said he wants to take on Mike Tyson now. Howard asked him if there are any other fighters he wants to lose to. He wrapped up the call shortly after that.
Howard also talked about doing ''The Hate Boat'' and may work on something like that together. David also said that he wants Howard to do a Joey Ramone movie with him because he looks kind of like him. Howard said he'd talk to him about that at a later time.
David and Howard spent some time talking about this Lance Bass thing. David said there are other celebrities who also want to go into space and this will be an ongoing thing. He said people like Tom Cruise, Steven Tyler and Cindy Crawford are interested in this stuff. Howard wondered why anyone would want to do anything like that with the Russians because a movie like ''K-19'' shows how incompetent they are. David said that they haven't had any fatalities in their space program yet so they're very competent. (A listener called in later and said that's not true, they've had a couple of deaths over the years.) Howard doesn't understand how a country that can't even supply their people with toilet paper can have a space ship. David told Howard this ship is a new one and will work out just fine.
Wendy the Retard called in again and asked David a bunch of dopey questions. Cerebral Palsey Jack Hammer was also on the phone again with Wendy. Howard didn't let them say all that much before hanging up on them though.
Howard spent a little longer talking to David before getting off the phone. David said sponsors are flocking to this show and it will air on a ''cool, hip, network.'' He wouldn't say what network that is though. He said they'll be making their own announcement in the near future.
The Ghost of Robin's Father called in to wish her a happy birthday. It turned out to be Sal the Stockbroker who managed to get the delay button hit on him.
Howard said Craig was running around the station saying that he turned down a network development deal worth ''hundreds of thousands of dollars.'' Craig said that he only told John about it and it wasn't ''hundreds of thousands.'' Howard told him that's like running around telling the whole station. Craig said he's got other stuff in the works and he didn't want to commit to just one network. He said the deal would have meant that he could only appear on that network and he didn't want that. He mentioned something about HBO wanting to do some movies with him and stuff like that. Meanwhile, Howard pointed out that he'll be appearing at Uncle Funnies in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida from August 14th to the 18th.
Howard moved on to Robin's news and had Craig and Dave Chappelle hang out to comment on stuff.
Daniel Carver from the KKK called in to wish Robin a happy birthday. He had nothing bad to say about her today. Howard said this is the first time he's been on the show that it seems he actually likes Robin. Daniel said she's never done anything to him and he can't say anything bad about her. He said he also likes George Jefferson and Eddie Murphy too because they make him laugh. Howard asked Daniel if the KKK could remove his hood if other members found out he's wishing Robin a happy birthday. Howard gave Daniel a hypothetical situation and asked if all of the black people had to be sent back to Africa tomorrow, would Robin have to go. He said she'd have to go and so would Eddie Murphy and George Jefferson. He said he wouldn't even write to her. Howard was still impressed with the progress Daniel has made since he was able to call in and wish her a happy birthday. Howard said this is also the first time Daniel hasn't used ''the N-word'' on the air. Robin used it so Daniel pointed that out and got a laugh out of it. Daniel said he's 52 years old and also said that if Robin is 50, and she's black, she probably won't live much longer. Howard said he was almost thinking Daniel was calling in from the Martin Luther King center. Artie started quoting some of the stuff Daniel mentioned in the message Howard played earlier. That started to get him revved up so Howard wanted to cut him off before he got carried away.
Howard got off the phone with Daniel and talked about how amazing it was that he didn't say ''the N-word.'' He's still a racist but it seems that he's taking ''baby steps'' toward getting over his racism.
Margie kept up her side of the story telling Howard the same things she did yesterday. She says she was upset with Sly and that's why she told her story. For some reason Frank kept saying that Margie's story was false but he was also calling her a ''rat'' for going to the paper with the story. Robin pointed out that if you're calling someone a rat, the story must have some truth to it. Howard refused to say if he thinks the story is true or false. He just wanted to say that going to the paper, whether it's true or not, is wrong.
We soon found out that Frank actually dated Margie once. He said he never slept with her because he thought she was a little wacky. He said that she got a little aggressive with him and he decided to send her on her way before anything happened.
Frank had a so-called ''witness'' on the phone with him. Julie, a stripper, said that she has known Margie for a couple of years and she's never mentioned Sly. Margie said that's not true. Margie also said she was a stripper for a little while.
Frank continued to argue with Margie over all of this. He told Howard he spoke to her ex-boyfriend who owns the gym they allegedly had sex in and he thinks that she's a little crazy. He has banned her from going to the gym but she says she wouldn't want to go there anyway.
Stuttering John came in at one point and said that his brother knows nothing of the women he's slept with so how would Frank know about his brother. Frank said he just knows about them because they're very close. John seemed to think that Frank wouldn't know if this was true or not no matter what.
This argument continued for a good half hour or so and nothing was resolved. Howard continued to tell Margie that telling her story was just plain wrong. He also told Margie that couples break up all the time and it's no one's business but their own. She should have kept her mouth shut whether it was true or not. Frank blew off his steam and hopefully it calmed him down.