''Sam Kinison'' was in this morning talking about how he had to come back from Hell to hear Cabbie's story. Howard replayed the tape of Cabbie's admission of having gay sex to refresh everyone's memory.
Howard planned on having everyone take a lie detector test this morning to find out if anyone else is gay but Ed Torian, the polygraph guy, canceled last night. So they had no one to give them the test.
After playing the tape Howard talked to Cabbie about the whole thing. He asked Cabbie when the last time he had gay sex was. He said it was in 1993 but he had a ''situation'' in 1997 that could have turned into something. Cabbie explained how he went to a gay bar and picked up a guy. He went home with him but nothing happened. No one believes nothing happened though. Cabbie said he just wanted to check out the whole situation and when he got to the guy's house he thought to himself ''what the hell am I doing here?'' and left. He said he felt bad for the other guy though. He said he felt like a chick when he didn't give it to the guy because he probably though the was going to get some. Howard said that maybe Cabbie is bi-sexual but Cabbie just says he's willing to experiment. He also keeps telling everyone that he just bangs chicks these days and they all tell him he's the most man they've ever had. Everyone tells him that he's just overcompensating because he's actually gay.
Cabbie said he got tons of positive e-mail feedback about his admission last week and he thanked everyone for all of that.
Howard asked Cabbie if he finds someone like Russell Crowe attractive when he sees him on TV. Cabbie doesn't like Crowe at all. He doesn't like Jennifer Lopez either. He told Howard that he thinks Fred is attractive in a ''Marlboro man'' type of way. He also thinks that Ralph is good looking but he's not attracted to him.
Cabbie told Howard that when he did that guy from his cab, it was the woman who had gotten him excited in the sexual situation. Howard asked him if he's ever gotten it on with a guy without a woman in the room. Cabbie paused for a second and then said that, yes, he had gay sex without a woman in the room to get him excited. Howard tried to convince him that he's gay if he does stuff like that but Cabbie didn't want to hear it.
Then Cabbie told Howard how he and his paratrooper partners in the Gulf War all stood around in a circle and whacked off as a ''goodbye'' to Iraq. ''That's gay'' Howard says. Cabbie said that paratroopers have a ''bond'' that you can't imagine. ''Sam Kinison'' chimed in and said that it wasn't a bond, it was more like a sticky adhesive.'' ''Sam'' also said that when he was on tour with other comedians, they never stood around in a circle at a comedy club to jerk one off to say goodbye to the place.
The longer they spoke the more we learned about Cabbie. He told Howard that his first gay experience was when he was 13. He and a friend got a hold of some porn and whacked off together. They did touch each other a bit but they ended up finishing up on their own. Cabbie said that they weren't excited over each other, it was the porn that got them excited. He also said that they did it more than once. It was more like a few times.
Howard told Cabbie that there's nothing wrong with being gay, he just doesn't understand why he won't admit it. Cabbie will be back tomorrow to take the lie detector test that was scheduled for today.
3/26/01. 8:35am
After taking a break from the whole Cabbie thing Howard killed some time with some other stuff. He had a mystery record that he played real quick. It was Jennifer Love Hewitt singing some song. Howard said it wasn't any worse than the other crap that's out there. He said that Gary downloaded it from Napster without a problem. He said that Napster hasn't changed all that much since they started filtering copyrighted songs. His daughters were downloading over the weekend and they said nothing has changed. They were able to download everything they wanted.
Cabbie said that Stuttering John freaked out when he walked into the bathroom during the commercial break. Cabbie thinks that means that John might be gay. He continues to say that we'll be surprised when we find out who else on the show has had gay sex.
Howard said that Cabbie might be interested in tonight's airing of the remake of ''South Pacific''. It's a musical so Cabbie might like it since he's gay.
Howard spent a couple more minutes commenting on the Academy Awards show. He said that Russell Crowe has to stop taking himself so seriously. He thinks he's some tough guy all of a sudden when he's just a ''sissy actor''. Howard also read their first e-mail. It was a joke that said something like ''They've found out where the disease that only black people get, sickle cell anemia came from... The glue on welfare stamps.
Howard got back to Cabbie and killed more time talking to him about the gay thing. ''Sam Kinison'' asked Howard if he thinks that Cabbie is like a slutty woman when he's with a guy. He wondered if Cabbie says ''I don't usually do this'' as he's pulling down his pants. Howard told everyone that when they take the polygraph tomorrow, he'll have to say that he had a gay experience because when he was 6 some guy told him to touch him while he was sitting with his pants down on the couch. He touched him but felt something was wrong so he walked away. Howard doesn't think Cabbie will be able to bet the polygraph even though he might think that he's not gay.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Cabbie if he's ever tasted a mans Cabbe Goul.. or his spooge. Cabbie hesitated and said he knows the taste but it's because he's tasted his own. He tried to explain how he's tasted it while giving oral to a woman he already finished in.
Cabbie told Howard that his first gay anal experience was when he was working at a porn movie theater at the age of 18. He used to hook up with couples and some guys would even pay him to have sex with their wives.
High Pitch Erik called in and said that he wants to take a lie detector test. Howard thinks he's gay too but he swears he's not. The gay Cabbie stuff continued through the rest of the show.
At one point a guy from the Spanish radio station across the street from Howard's station called in. Howard said that the guy is the ''Spanish Howard Stern'' and he was hoping that Howard would wish him a ''happy birthday''. Howard did just that and that was about it. The whole thing lasted about 30 seconds.
Howard moved on to do the news but the subject of Cabbie kept coming up over and over. At one point ''Sam'' suggested that Cabbie be called Crazy Cathy from now on. Howard thought that was funny and started using it right away. Craig Gass immediately started doing his best ''Crazy Cathy'' impression and kept it going through the rest of the news.
Francis went on to explain how the slave owners were light skinned blacks but they referred to themselves as being white. Since Francis was darker skinned, he was called black. Francis said that his owners forced him to live in a barn with the animals because he was considered an animal himself.
Howard kept trying to find out if there was anything sexual going on. He kept asking Francis if he was forced to have sex with the owner's wife or anything like that. Francis said that never happened and he never really thought about sex. He just thought about freedom.
Howard also wondered how dark Francis' skin was so he tried to get him to compare himself to people like Bryant Gumbel, Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and others. Francis wasn't sure exactly how to compare himself so Howard let him off the hook.
All of the goofy questions Howard was asking eventually got to Francis and he seemed to be getting upset. Howard said he was just trying to add some humor to the show but he eventually let up on him.
Francis said that there will be an anti-slavery march going on up in Boston sometime this month. You can find out more about that at Anti-Slavery.org
Howard asked the two of them if they think Rex Reed is a legitimate movie reviewer. Roger tried to avoid answering but Roeper didn't. He said that he doesn't think Reed was ever a serious movie reviewer. Roger eventually said that he didn't like the way Reed always related people and movies to food. He did kiss his ass about his celebrity interviews though.
Howard also asked the two of them their opinions on Leno and Letterman. Roger said that he thinks Letterman is a better interviewer.
Howard also asked them about the new rule of 45 seconds to make your acceptance speech on the Oscars. Howard thinks it's ridiculous. Roeper and Ebert think the same thing. Howard used Julia Roberts as an example. She's really hard to get interviews with and now if she wins, she'll be off the stage in 30 seconds or so. Howard also wondered why Julia does such crappy films like ''The Mexican''. Ebert and Roeper didn't think that it was that bad though. They said she's just so likeable that people will go to see any piece of crap she's in.
Adam Sandler was another example. Howard asked why his last movie flopped. Ebert thinks that the young audience is just fed up with him and he's too old for that stuff now. Craig Gass did a good Sandler impression for the two guests. Ebert said that his Al Pacino was spot on too so he did some more of that for them.
Roeper is apparently getting some hot chicks now that he's kind of famous so Howard spent some time talking about that. He also tried to talk to Ebert about women but he stays pretty quiet.
Howard took a phone call from some nut who played part of the ''Exorcist'' movie where they added a new scene called ''The spider walk''. The guy said it didn't make any sense to him. The whole phone call made no sense to Howard. Ebert told him that it was a scene added by the writer and a lot of people were upset about it. Ebert said they should make the scenes available on DVD but leave the original movie the way it was. Howard then mentioned colorization of black and white movies and how he enjoys it. Ebert doesn't like it and thinks that they should be left black and white. Howard thinks it brings in a new audience but Ebert said that's not true.
Kelsey Grammer called in during the interview to promote the movie ''15 Minutes'' in which he has a part. Howard, who loves to make fun of Kelsey's wife's irritable bowel syndrome, had Fred playing fart sounds through most of the phone call. Kelsey was kind of quiet but Howard kept it going. He said he couldn't hear it but eventually asked Howard to stop it. Howard still wouldn't get off the subject of Camille's problem though. Howard then kissed Kelsey's ass a bit by telling him how good he was in ''15 Minutes''. He said he didn't think about his TV character Frasier once during his scenes. Howard thinks that means he's a great actor. Howard got back to the IBS and even spoke to Camille for a minute. She told him some of the symptoms of her IBS and tried to straighten out his misconceptions.
After Kelsey's call Howard wrapped up the interview with Ebert and Roeper. He read some of their top 10 movie picks and pondered why they picked some of them.
While playing the Gary Garver interviews Ed was doing the testing on some of the people. When the tapes were done Howard went in and got tested himself. They had a list of about 9 questions that Ed asked each person. The first four questions were about their name, the day, the month and the state they live in. Here are the important questions:
Next up was Ralph. Ed said that Ralph kept moving during the oral and anal questions so he couldn't get a reading. On number 4 Ralph said no but he was being deceptive... actually he was deceptive on all of the sex questions!
Benjy's results were so screwy that Howard didn't even care. Benjy lied about everything from his name to whether or not he answered the questions honestly.
Ed said that Howard was truthful in all but number 3. Howard had said yes but it came up as being deceptive.
Scott DePace from E! was next up. Ed said that he was another one who moved during the oral and anal questions so it was hard to get a reading. He was truthful when he said he wasn't attracted to another man though.
Gary told the truth on all but number 4.
Everyone tried to explain why they didn't come out as being truthful on some of them but Howard didn't want to hear it. Howard then sent KC in to have his test done. When he came out Ed said that he was deceptive on just about all of the sexual questions. KC yelled that he's ''NOT GAY!'' Howard knew he'd fail his test because he's always wetting his bed and having a hard time getting it up for chicks.
Dominic Barbara's almost-ex-wife Irma called in and said that she has a cure for all of the homosexuality in the studio. She said that all they have to do is see Dominic naked and they'd go straight! Howard spent a little time talking to her and somehow she and Ralph talked about going on a date. The next thing you know they're setting up a date so Ralph can go hang out at Dominic's old house for dinner! Irma said she's ready to start dating and Ralph would be just right as the first one. Howard loved the whole discussion. He thinks it's great that Ralph could start dating her and end up spending time at Dominic's old house using all of the stuff that he's purchased over the years.
Dominic called in at one point and said he really doesn't have a problem with Ralph dating her. He thinks that whatever makes Irma happy is a good thing. No one was believing that story though. They all know that Dominic used to hate Ralph and he wouldn't want him around his ex-wife. Ralph should go on his date this coming weekend so we should know by next week what happened.
Howard was talking about how he was the only one who came out on top of the tests and that everyone else had some kind of gay tendencies. Scott DePace came in to defend himself but he just got himself in deeper crap. He tried to tell everyone that the subject of hating homosexuals is not a factor in his life. Stuttering John and Gary both brought up things that prove it is a part of his life. He once tested a guy at a gym to see if he was gay by telling him ''there sure are a lot of faggots here...'' He said that was a different time of his life and he knows that it was wrong to say that. John also said that Scott is worried that his kid will grow up gay so he's trying to do everything just right so he won't.
Howard had Craig come in and he introduced him to Beetlejuice who had no idea who he was. Howard then spent a little while asking Craig about what it's like having his show on after Letterman. Craig kissed Letterman's ass like crazy and said that he is the king of late night. Vinnie Favale from CBS was sitting in this morning so Howard asked him how Craig does against Conan O'Brien. Vinnie said that the two of them are neck and neck but Conan usually wins the time slot. He said that Craig does beat Conan sometimes though.
Howard also brought up Amber Smith who was in his movie. She was on the show recently bad mouthing Craig so Howard played tape of that for him. Howard then said he knows that the two of them are still seeing each other even after the bad mouthing. Craig didn't want to talk about it though. He kept trying to change the subject but Howard would always get back to it. Amber eventually called in and said that the things she said about him were just because they had a misunderstanding. They're friends once again. Howard asked Craig if he ever banged Amber but he said he doesn't kiss and tell. Amber kind of said that they had been together but when Craig said that he doesn't kiss and tell, she did the same thing and shut up. Craig kept bothering Howard about telling the story of how they met out in Malibu. Craig said that Howard had Carmen Electra with him and he wanted to know about what happened there. Howard went through the story about how he didn't score with her. Then he wanted to know more about Craig and Amber. They still stayed silent though.
Howard wanted to find out just how well Craig knows Amber so he asked him a bunch of questions about her. Things like what she's done professionally and what traumatic thing just happened to her recently. He actually did pretty well. He knew quite a bit but he didn't know how many brothers or sisters she has. Amber also knew a lot about Craig.
After saying Craig's name about 30 times during the interview, Howard asked Beetlejuice if he knew who the guy was. He didn't remember his name. When Howard found out that Paul Hogan was waiting to come on, he ended the interview and took a break.
Robin argued that she knew the ones that moved her and not Pollock's earlier crap. Howard kept trying to get her to pick out the pictures that didn't move her and she wouldn't do it. Robin was getting very emotional and loud with Howard. He was trying to prove a point with this whole thing but it wasn't happening. Robin finally broke down and picked number 6 as Howard's. It was actually number 3 which Fred had guessed. Howard said the painting was called ''Help''. Robin was still sounded very upset over the whole thing for no reason. Robin eventually told Howard that his painting did look like early Jackson Pollock.
A listener called in and offered Howard $1000 for the painting but Howard didn't want to give it up. Howard told the guy he was going to do a new painting that he'd give him for free. He said he's going to pleasure himself on a black canvas and he'll let the guy have it free. The guy didn't want to take him up on the offer.
Robin said she never could pick out Howard's painting. She said she just let Howard do his thing after he claimed he could paint something that would move her. She told Howard to just let her be moved by something and leave it at that. Howard said ''I won!'' to Robin a few times to quiet her down. She really didn't care though. The two of them argued about Pollock and whether or not he was talented. Robin said that Howard has to crap on everything that she likes. When she said that she liked Gregory Hines, Howard went in a bathroom and tap danced to show that anyone could do it. Now he's done this with Jackson Pollock. Howard said tomorrow he'll take a crap and it'll look like a Monet. Robin went silent for a minute. She then said that she wanted to crap on Stuttering John because he was just standing there laughing like a fool.
After taking a break Howard said that the Pollock stuff won't be on any of his TV shows. The E! people told him that they don't have rights to the paintings so they can't show them on TV. Howard wondered why that is and why people can take stuff out of his book and put it on TV like they did on MSNBC. That led to Howard talking about the MSNBC special that was done about him recently. He just watched it and it bummed him out. He said he doesn't know why shows like that bum him out but this one sure did.
Howard watched some of the David Copperfield special that was on last night and he was amazed. He said it was incredible. He described some of the tricks that Copperfield did and tried to figure out how he did them. A guy called in and said he knew how he levitated the couch. The guy explained that it's done with compressed air like an air hockey table turned upside down. Howard eventually told him he was nuts and hung up on him.
Howard was also amazed when David cut himself in half and held the bottom part of his body. Howard then described Copperfield and some kid he reunited with his father. Howard said that Copperfield and this kid vanished from the stage they were on and appeared in Hawaii all of a sudden. Robin told him he was watching tape and it was just an illusion. Howard said you have to see it though. Howard ended up hanging up on every caller that tried to explain the tricks. One guy said they used blue screens to fake the tricks and Howard hung up on him. A magician called in and said that Copperfield gets help from other magicians. He also said he buys a lot of his tricks. Howard didn't care about all of that, he said that the guy is just an amazing illusionist.
Howard was talking to Sean about what else he's been up to working for the TV show ''Extra'' and the web site he's running now SurvivorSean.com. Then Howard said that Joe Rogan and Vinnie Favale had been arguing about the popularity of ''Survivor'' and ''Fear Factor'' during a break. The argument quickly got started again and the two of them went at each others throats. ''Fear Factor'' was the number one show this week and it's been picked up for more episodes by NBC. Vinnie, a CBS executive, argues that ''Fear Factor'' hasn't shown up on NBC's schedule yet so it's not really a hit show and it means nothing to NBC. Joe argued that they're in production and they're on the air now and it's become a huge hit over the summer, just like ''Survivor'' did. Joe argued that Vinnie is just a ''company man'' who can't deal with the fact that another network show is going to beat their shows when it airs. Howard let the two of them go at it for quite a while and it made for great radio.
Howard also pointed out how pissed Vinnie got about the ''David E. Letterman'' bit Howard did last week. Vinnie thinks that people thought it was really Dave and Howard should have made it clearer that it wasn't the real David Letterman who was doing racial jokes. Howard replayed some of that segment and Vinnie was still pissed. The guy that did the Letterman voice is amazing and sounds a lot like the real thing.
Howard wrapped up the segment and as they went out Joe made some comment about Vinnie being a ''company bitch'' or something like that. At least Joe is willing to let his real feelings out about this guy. He's not afraid to stand up for his hit show.
| Question | Caller Says | Hooters Girl Answer | Correct? |
| The three states of matter are solid, liquid and... | N | Water | N |
| In what state would you find New Orleans? | N | Don't know | N |
| What is 10 percent of 200? | Two dollars | N |
Howard said David left a message on his machine recently saying that he really likes Beetlejuice when he's on the show. Howard decided to have Beet come in to hang out with David today. Beetlejuice came walking in ''like Apollo Creed in Rocky..'' David said. David said he loves when Beet says ''Who me!?'' Spade spent a minute talking to Beet about weight lifting and his small head. Beetlejuice said his small head is all fake. He doesn't really have a tiny head on a big body?
David talked about his movie ''Joe Dirt'' a little bit. He said that he and Fred Wolf wrote it together.
Howard changed subjects and asked David what he's done about an assistant since his last assistant, Skippy, tried to kill him. David said he got a new assistant and Gary broke in over the speaker and said that she's a piece of ass. She was in the green room so Howard had her come in.
The new assistant, Lindsey, came in and spoke to Howard for a little while. Howard tried to find out what she does for David but they both kept saying that it's just a day to day thing. Howard said she's really cute and asked David if he's banging her. He's not but Howard soon found out that he's dating some chick from ''Baywatch''. Howard checked out some pictures of her and said that he can't believe he's getting her.
Howard took a couple of quick phone calls and started to wrap things up with Spade pretty quick. He said Spade had to get out of there. One woman called in and said that David's ex-assistant Skippy actually took some people on a tour of David's house. David had no idea that happened.
David said that he may do a quick appearance on Saturday Night Live this week. He said Kid Rock may also show up with him.
Howard and David spoke to Beetlejuice a little bit more before the end of the segment. Howard asked Beet if he knows when his movie is coming out. He plays the part of a Pinhead in the film but he's not sure when it'll be out. He just said ''in a couple of days...'' when Howard asked him about the release date. He's also going to be in the Wayans brothers movie ''Scary Movie 2''. He plays the part of a kid who gets a blood transfusion and dies in that movie. You can find out more about Beetlejuice at JollyDwarf.com