Howard talked to Fred about what's been going on with his mother this Thanksgiving. He's got a bunch of family coming down to see him including his mother, father, brother and some other people. Howard said where Fred comes from is a whole other bizarro land. He made fun of Fred's mother's accent a little bit. They're apparently making a big deal out of their long trip from Hartford, Connecticut which is only about 2 hours away. They're going to be staying for a couple of weeks too which they goofed on too. They're only 2 hours from him but they're making a major trip out of it.
Howard was talking to Fred about his mother's accent and goofing around with it for a while. Fred said he didn't even know that his mother had an accent when he was a kid until other kids told him. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about other kid's mothers who they grew up around. Howard said he could talk all morning about Fred's family's plans. He took a commercial break a couple of minutes later.
After the break Howard read some TV ratings stuff. He said he's so glad he doesn't watch ''Will and Grace'' but the ratings were through the roof. He said he saw the promos for the show and they ask the question ''Will this be the end of Will and Grace?'' You know it isn't the end of them because it's the whole premise of the show. Artie said if one of his friends told him he was going to watch that show, he'd punch him in the face. Howard spent a minute talking about the ratings of some other shows and then moved on to movies. He said he rented ''Air Bud'' to watch with his daughter over the weekend. He's seen it before and it's a great movie. He said it's great for kids and he likes it too. He talked about how great of an actor the dog was. The dog could actually play basketball and it says that at the end of the movie. Howard also mentioned that the dog died of cancer and the owner offered Howard one of the dog's puppies but he turned it down.
Howard said KC called him Saturday night to tell him that Snoop Dogg canceled and it sounded like there was a hell of a party going on. KC said they were cleaning the apartment Saturday night and he had to put Howard on speaker phone to talk to him. He said his phone is all screwed up so he had to use the speaker phone. KC said he hadn't done his laundry in months so they had to catch up on that.
Howard talked about the NY Jets winning yesterday. The guys talked about how much the Giants suck too. That led to Howard talking about the big $25,000 football pool they have going on. KC lost so he's now 5-4 and is now tied with William ''Refrigerator'' Perry who won this week. Jackson Dell'Abate is now 3-5-1 after losing his pick this week. Dax the monkey also lost so he's 3-6. Artie won for the second week in a row so he's now 2-7. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes on that before moving on to other stuff.
Howard was talking about some of the movies that did well over the weekend. The new James Bond movie blew away the Harry Potter movie in the theaters. Robin ended up talking about how much she hated this Harry Potter movie. Howard wondered if she hates it because they have witches and Robin is part of a coven. Howard said she went to some kind of strange witch coven dinner one time and didn't know that they were trying to suck her into their cult. Robin denies any of that ever happening though. Howard figures that's why she hates Harry Potter though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard and Beth's relationship has ''Jumped the Shark.'' He mentioned a couple of things that they've done lately that makes it seem like their relationship is over. Howard didn't think that was true though. The guy also got to plug his web site which was RedZoneMedia.com because Howard liked what the site was about... college sports reports.
Another listener called in and reminded Howard what the whole Robin Witch story was about. He said that Robin was in a book club at the time. Howard ended up telling some stories about some of the stuff that happened back then and how Robin almost got sucked into this group. Howard said it all started with this foot massage woman. Howard said he even got a massage from this woman and almost got sucked into this cult. Howard said that the women almost got Robin to go into the woods with them. Robin said she got out before then and it wasn't a cult and they weren't witches. They were ''Goddesses.''
After the call Artie wondered what this ''Air Bud'' movie was all about. Howard ended up telling him about the movie and what the dog did. After hearing the wacky stuff that goes on in the movie Artie said he's going to rent it. He said the movie studio should throw Howard some money because he's got him interested. Howard said he saw ''Ice Age'' and enjoyed that too. He didn't like ''Shrek'' all that much though. Howard said ''Air Bud'' was better than ''Dirty Work'' which was a movie that Artie was in with Norm Macdonald. He took another break a short time later.
Howard changed subjects and said that they have the Wigger contest coming up later in the hour. He took a call from a guy who brought up this project Howard is working on with the uncensored E! show. Howard said he's still working on it. A lot of people just want to see the Mother-Daughter ''It's Just Wrong'' game that happened last week. Howard said he thought that the show would be airing on E! this week. He also heard from Gary that there are some people who claim they can get their whole families down to do the ''It's Just Wrong'' thing. That led to Howard reading some e-mail about Artie spoiling the ''It's Just Wrong'' game when he said he didn't want to see the mothers and daughters make out with each other. Howard said he also got some e-mail from people who said that Artie saved the Dina Meyer interview after ''It's Just Wrong'' when he put her in her place. Howard read a couple of those and then read some about the Debbie Schlussel make over and how annoying she is. One person said that the only women who would turn down a make over are ''carpet munchers.'' Howard also got a bunch of e-mail from people begging for an uncensored ''It's Just Wrong'' video.
Someone wrote in about Stuttering John being annoying on Friday's show too. The guy complained about the way John acts on the show and how he's really no needed on the show.
Howard got off the e-mail thing and brought up a story about some guy that was suspended from Methodist College after a teammate was sodomized in the locker room with a pen. Howard and the guys talked about how gay some of the stuff these football players are. Howard said some of those hijinks start with a pen and end with a penis. Howard said a lot of those ''jock dudes'' are gay, and added ''just look at KC.'' Gary came in and talked about some gay stuff he's seen going on with jocks like that. Howard said he thinks the people who make the pen should jump on the story because the guys used it to write on the guy's ass after sticking it up his ass. He and Artie said they could us it in their advertising.
Artie said he had a friend who was way too into weight lifting at one time and they were in a strip club in New Jersey. His friend taps him on the shoulder and says ''look at the arms on that bouncer.'' Artie said they haven't let the guy live that down since then.
Howard read some other news stories. Robin brought up one story about a guy who burned his scrotum with his laptop computer. It blistered and got infected after that. Howard said he never uses his laptop on his lap. He joked that he uses it while it's on KC's lap.
Howard read another article about this guy Mike Batt of the band The Planets. He was a fan of this guy John Cage who once put four minutes of silence on his album. Mike put a minute and a half of silence on his album and did an interview where he said it was a tribute to John Cage. The family of Cage heard about this and sued the guy over him using silence on his album. Howard said they sued the guy but settled out of court. Howard said we've gone nuts with lawsuits these days.
Howard took a call from a guy who says his girlfriend is a lot better looking than Artie's girlfriend Dana. He says she's better than Howard's girl Beth too. Howard wanted him to come down to the studio but the guy said he wanted to come down one other time but they wouldn't fly him in. Howard put him on hold and said he'd hook him up because they want to see the girlfriend.
Howard took a couple more phone calls before going to break. One guy brought up a story about college football players who were tea bagging each other in the locker room. Howard heard about that story and spent some time talking about that.
Howard said he heard a story about Artie working with John out in Ontario, California this weekend. He heard that John has to take a crap before he goes on stage so he announces it before he goes. Howard said he heard that John stunk up the tiny bathroom at the club they were at. Producer Sam Simon was there with his hot girlfriend and Artie was talking to the girlfriend. John went to the bathroom and they heard the farting, dumping sounds from John who was right near them. They all heard it and smelled it. Artie said John came out of the bathroom pulling up his pants and said ''Nice to meet you'' to Sam's girlfriend and then shook her hand. Artie said it was just grotesque... but John is very relaxed on stage when he gets up there.
First up was this guy Dave who wasn't really talking like a black man like Howard thought he was going to. Dave said he raps like a black guy but doesn't talk like one. Howard let him do his rapping but it was horrible. Robin told him he was a mess. Howard pushed him aside and had the second guy come in. Number 2 was going by the name Third Rail Phantom. He sounded more like what Howard expected. He asked him a question and the guy answered the way they expected. Isaac asked him a couple of questions and tried to get a feel for what he was all about. Howard questioned him a little more and then had him rap a little bit. He did better than the first gut but it was still a mess. Robin said she wasn't impressed. The guy said he's a bio-medical tech which made Isaac say that he's definitely a white guy.
Next up was a guy going by the name Evil E. He didn't sound like a black dude and he said he didn't rap so they ended it within 30 seconds. After that they had YG 1-2. He said the YG were his initials or something like that and the 1-2 was for exit 12 which is for Carteret, New Jersey where he's from. Howard talked to him for a few seconds and then had him rap. He didn't have the talk down very good but he rapped okay. When he was done he started talking black a little more. Isaac said he liked YG 1-2 and asked him a couple of questions.
Artie said compared to the contestants Isaac was like James Brown. Howard brought in the next contestant who was going by the name Michael Angelo. He was a real black guy though. They were looking for white guys though. Michael Angelo rapped a little bit but Howard cut him off and said he can't rap. The guys pointed out he was worse than the white guys. Howard brought in Axis next. Howard said he looked like a ''wigger'' to him. He asked him a couple of questions and then had him rap a little bit. He wasn't horrible but he wasn't that good either. Isaac asked him a few questions to see how ''wigger-like'' he is. Artie joked that when this guy goes to prison, and he will, he will have a lot of ''black in him'' there.
Howard said it came down to YG 1-2 and Axis in the end. They had them do a rap-off and they went at each other with their raps.
Howard gave Axis his vote in the end. Isaac also gave his vote to Axis. Artie gave his vote to one of the other guys. The winner was Axis after the disorganized voting was done. Howard gave Axis his $2000 prize and spent a couple more minutes talking to him. It turns out he works in a supermarket stocking shelves. They also talked to him about his drug use and other stuff that went on in his life. His life story sounded like a stereotypical black guy's life to the guys in the studio. Artie pointed out that the guys in the studio weren't really like black guys because it was eight o'clock and they all showed up. Howard wrapped up the contest a short time later.
After taking a commercial break Howard said someone told him that E! won't air this contest because they don't like the word ''wigger.'' Robin Radzinski from E! came in and said they will air the contest but they're not sure if they're going to censor out the word ''wigger'' because it's offensive to black people. Robin said it's E! standards, not hers. She said it's the ''igger'' part of the word that's the problem. Robin Quivers said if that's the case than the word ''bigger'' would be censored. Howard also talked about how E! censored out the word ''chinaman'' on one of his shows. Artie said that they used the word ''chinaman'' on the Norm show on ABC a few years ago and they didn't have a problem with it. Robin Radzinski said they're trying to fight E! over the word by saying that Oprah Winfrey coined the term ''wigger'' back in 1992 on her show.
Howard let Gene sit in while he went through some other stuff. Howard read an article about a guy who beat his wife with a stale loaf of bread. That story was in one of the tabloids. He read through some other stories from the tabloids too. He said the National Enquirer had a picture of Mini Me, Vern Troyer, walking down the street with his full sized girlfriend who is really hot. Howard said he saw a picture of Paul ''Pee Wee Herman'' Reubens and he's shaving his head now which makes him look like a criminal.
Somehow the Olsen Twins came up in conversation so Howard said he'd like to see them in a movie where they hunt down Osama bin Laden. They goofed on that for a short time before moving on. Howard read that The Bachelor, Aaron Burge, is already cheating on the woman he proposed to at the end of the TV series. Howard and the guys talked about that for a short time. Artie said he's the kind of guy who's going to be getting oral from one of the bridesmaids at the wedding.
Howard skimmed through some other stories in the tabloids.
Howard said Al Pacino's Baby was sitting next to Gene Simmons this morning too. Al's Baby told Howard and the guys that he's been busy writing letters lately. He wrote one to Santa Claus so he read it to Howard but he was apparently on the wrong page of the script. Howard had the baby hand over the script so he could point out where he was supposed to be at. He gave the script back to Craig Gass... I mean Al Pacino's Baby, and he read the script from the right spot. Al's baby said that his daddy held him over the edge of a balcony just like Michael Jackson did with his baby. While he was dangling, his full diaper fell off and hit a woman in the face down on the street. He said his uncle Bobby De Niro saw the woman with the brown face on the street and asked her out. Howard goofed on Craig screwing up and said ''no wonder you haven't been here in months.'' Robin pointed out that his Gene Simmons stuff was good though.
Al Pacino's Baby told a few more jokes about his caca-doody-poopie diapers and stuff like that. Howard gave Craig a couple of plugs for some comedy gigs he has coming up soon. Craig will be appearing at Tommy T's in Concord, California from Wednesday through Sunday of this week. He'll also be at The Bridge Street Music Hall in Syracuse, New York on December 9th. For more of Craig's upcoming appearances check out his web site at IHateComedians.com.
After taking another break Howard came back to do the news with Robin. Craig stuck around to comment on some of the news stories. Howard also talked about Craig's appearance on ''Sex and the City'' a few months ago. Craig said that he was just happy that he was talking in his real voice for a while. Howard said he gets upset when they want him to do his impressions on the show. Howard said he's working on a Baba Booey impression but he hears that it doesn't really sound like him. Craig did some of it but he said it sounds like Al Pacino's Baby. Craig said the Stern fans that see and hear it seem to like it. Craig talked about how people are scared by his Sam Kinison impression because it's so good. He said a guy once wanted him to do his impression in a fat suit in Vegas.
Craig has been working on ''Arnold Schwarzenegger's Retarded Brother'' impression but Howard doesn't want him to do it. Howard said Craig sat down with him during the commercial and said that he wanted to do the voice. Howard said he just doesn't want it because it's no funny to him. Howard had him do it for Robin so she could hear it. Howard told him he sounds French when he does it. Howard said he just doesn't get it. He said he sounds too regular when he's talking and it's not even a good Schwarzenegger impression. Gary said Craig also wants Howard to talk about Craig when he comes in instead of doing the impressions. Howard said Craig seemed to blow though the Al Pacino's Baby without putting his heart into it. Chaunce Hayden called in and said he felt the same way. He seemed to think that he wasn't putting his heart into it right away, he caught himself halfway through and started doing it the right way. Howard figured Craig wanted to be interviewed as himself instead so he did that interview to make Craig happy. Craig said a lot has been going on in his life but he was all screwed up after the discussion about him screwing up the Al's Baby thing.
Crazy Cabbie called in and said Craig was hanging around the station on Friday afternoon and he doesn't even work there. Craig said he was hanging around there recording commercials though. Howard went on to tell a story about this guy who could only do one impression and made tons of money. He said Craig has to do a bunch of different things. Craig said he'd like to do other voices but when he comes in they hand him a piece of paper and tell him to stick to it. He wants to do Adam Sandler and Christopher Walken so Howard told him to just do it. He tried talking to him as Sandler but he didn't get into that either.
Gary heard that Craig does about 20 minutes in a Stuttering John show and he doesn't start doing his impressions until about 18 minutes in. Craig said it doesn't take that long, it's just a few minutes. Stuttering John also came in and said that Craig asked him to do one of his shows and when he was told he could do 10 minutes, he went nuts and wanted more time. Craig said he loves doing stand-up and loves the stage time.
High Pitch Erik called in and said he can do better impressions than Craig can. He did his James Earl Jones and Isaac Hayes impressions. When he does them he sounds like a normal guy talking. Artie asked him if he could do an impression of a guy who takes a shower since he stinks so much.
Howard took calls from Mariann from Brooklyn and some other people who wanted to yell at Craig. After that he said he thinks that Craig is really talented and he loves his impressions. Craig said he'd love to do more of those impressions but he's not allowed to. Howard told Craig to be Adam Sandler for the rest of the show. He said he didn't want to talk to Craig anymore. Craig did his great Sandler impression but after a minute he said he missed talking to Craig.
Howard said he heard that Craig was walking around the station saying that he loves doing the show because it's a good stepping stone to Saturday Night Live. Artie said that he was just the opposite. He used ''Mad TV'' as a stepping stone to Howard's show.
Gene Simmons made another appearance after Howard goofed on Craig for a while. He made some more jokes about the KISS merchandise and had some fun for a little while before Howard took another break. Howard said he needed to do that so ''everyone'' could settle down. Craig, as Gene, said ''everyone meaning Craig Gass?'' Of course that's what Howard meant when he said ''everyone.''
Howard moved on to do the news after that. Craig did a quick Sam Kinison impression and some more of his Adam Sandler. Howard said he heard that Craig banged a couple of his interns. Craig said there was one who hung out with him but Howard said he heard it was 2. Gary said it was three. Gary told Howard what he heard about it. Gary said he heard that when he walked out of the hotel with one of the girls he said ''which way are you going?'' and when she said ''that way'' he said ''ok, well, I'm going that way'' and walked the other way. Craig, now using his own voice, told Howard that some of these interns would hang out at his comedy shows and that's how he met them and hung out with them. Artie said he's been on the show for over a year now and hasn't had any of the interns. He said they just ask him ''Barney, can I get you a cup of coffee?''
Howard said the other guys on the show try to get these girls and have no luck. Craig said one of the girls would show up at his comedy show every Friday night and would follow him around all night. After talking to Craig for a few minutes Howard said he doesn't think Craig likes being interviewed as Craig. Howard showed Craig a couple of pictures of the ex-interns and it turns out he banged two of them. He said one of them he had a long term relationship with and the other one he just banged. There was a third one that Craig said ''something'' happened with. Gary heard that he got anal from her. Craig said it was more like a ''combo plate'' of oral and hand release from her. Craig said that none of this happened while the girls were working on the show. Howard wondered why Craig was saying it was only one intern when it was actually three. Craig seemed to love the interview though. Howard tried to move on to Robin's news but he was so amazed that Craig gets laid that he couldn't get off the subject. One of the interns that he banged called in and said that he sucked in bed and he was really small in the pants. She also said that she was working on the show when he banged her. Howard questioned her about how she hooked up with him. She said they hooked up at one of his comedy shows and he eventually asked her out. He was supposed to take her to lunch but ended up just having sex. He never brought her to lunch. She said he was really quick and she didn't have an orgasm. When he was done he said he had to go and dumped her. She said that Craig is a band groupie and he follows these bands around. She said she thought he was a nice guy before he had sex with her. After that she thought he was a dick head. Howard thanked the intern, who remained anonymous, for calling in. She said she spoke to Artie a few weeks ago at the King of Prussia comedy show and told him this stuff. Artie didn't remember hearing any of it though. Artie remembered who she was and said she was pretty cute. Artie remembers who she was and said she was the intern who was really into Marilyn Manson. Howard eventually wrapped up the call and thanked her for calling in. (I met this ex-intern when I was at that King of Prussia comedy show and she was cute.)
Mr. T came in to promote an appearance he's making at Planet Hollywood in New York City at 12:30 this afternoon. He'll be there with Mary Lou Retton. They're collecting canned goods for needy people.
Mr. T was just as wound up as he normally is today. He was talking from the second he entered the studio. He never stopped either. He gave Howard a special Chia Mr. T head that was just a one-off thing. Howard thought it was pretty cool. Mr. T also mistook Vinnie Favale for Jackie. Howard had to tell Mr. T that Jackie left the show.
Mr. T told Howard about how he discovered he had cancer back in 1995 and how he's been fighting it ever since. It went away for a short time but it came back the next year. He told Howard that he takes 8 pills a day to control the cancer now. He disappeared from the public eye for a while and just traveled across the country in his Rolls Royce. He gave up on ''the vices of life'' which meant he hasn't had any women lately.
Mr. T said that the only person in Hollywood that called him when he was sick was Steven J. Cannell who produced ''The A Team'' back in the '80's. He said he's not mad at anyone else but he did say that he had to get rid of his phony friends during that time.
Mr. T's brother just died last year from cancer but that hasn't made him give up on his fight. He said it hasn't made him give up hope.
Howard brought up the tree cutting controversy that went down a few years back at Mr. T's mansion. Mr. T explained that it was just the white people in the neighborhood getting upset that a black man owned a mansion in their neighborhood.
Howard said that Mr. T is in a couple of new commercials including 2 1-800-COLLECT commercials and a Lipton Sizzle and Stir commercial. He says that he's making some good money off of those commercials too. He think, or hopes, that he's getting paid more that Gary Coleman would.
Howard took some phone calls and one woman told him about how Mr. T visited a dying child years ago when none of the other A-Team members would do it. Mr. T said it almost brought tears to his eyes thinking back about that kid. He told Howard how he called his pastor and asked him what he could say to this kid. He and his pastor ended up praying for the kid but the kid died shortly after the visit. Mr. T said that the paramedics told him that the kid was really thrilled that he got to meet him though.
Howard asked Mr. T what kind of sex life he's having but he wasn't talking. He said that he got a kiss from Loni Anderson and that was the last woman he ''had''. He said that he's busy taking care of his 82 year old mother so he doesn't have time for women.
After all of that nonsense Howard moved on to talk to King of all Blacks. King, a garbage man, brought in a bunch of garbage for Howard and the rest of the crew to check out. He had 4 cans of stuff and he wanted them to figure out if it was from a Spanish, Jewish, White or Black family. He showed the first can and told everyone that it contained pieces of wood, beer bottles (Budweiser), CD jewel cases and some other crap. No one guessed right so KoaB told them it was from a Hispanic family.
The second can contained coffee grinds, flavored seltzer water, lettuce, diet Coke, grapefruit, port wine, calendars and old newspapers. Howard guessed that it was from a Jewish home but it was from a plain old white family... white trash.
The third can contained corn flakes, Dunkin Donuts muffins, Entenmanns cakes, chips ahoy, Chinese food, flour and grape juice. This was from a Jewish family.
The final can was from a black family so Howard just had KoaB tell them what was in the can. It had a mayonnaise container, syrup, hot dogs, soda (not diet), butter and grape jelly among other things.
Howard spent a couple of minutes taking phone calls and talking to King about some of the things that go on picking up garbage.
Ken said that when he was in his mid-teens he noticed that he wasn't maturing like other kids. He didn't get pubic hair and he had a pear-shaped body that kids used to goof on. He was a very good hockey player in high school and it earned him a scholarship to college. As time went on he lost his motivation and strength in the sport and had to give it up. During that time he was also having problems getting an erection with women and he didn't have much of a sex drive. He tried going to psychologists and psychiatrists but they thought that it was all mental. They thought that it might have been his intense father who used to yell about ''faggots'' and stuff like that.
Ken then ran a marathon one time. After the marathon his nipples really hurt. They hurt so bad that he felt he had to squeeze them. When he did that milk came out! He didn't tell anyone at that time because he was embarrassed by it. He moved out to Los Angeles from the east coast for a new job and he soon started getting headaches but he thought it was just the bad air out there. Then he started dating a girl who eventually told him to see a doctor. He finally went to one after he had a problem getting it up for this girl he was dating. The doctor asked questions and found out about the erection problem. They did blood tests and found that he had a level of prolactin that was about 10 times higher than a pregnant woman would have. They then found out he had a tumor pressing on his pituitary gland. That's what caused the high level of prolactin. He then had brain surgery and got the tumor removed.
After the operation he said his life changed drastically. He lost the flab and man-boobs he had and his sex drive returned. He tested out his erection and spanked one out himself. He said the orgasm was really powerful and intense. Since he got his sex drive back he started dating other women and dumped the woman who helped him figure out what his problem was. He's now married to a woman and he's going to go back to playing hockey.
Ken wrote a book about this whole thing called ''Man Made : A Memoir of My Body''. Gary said there's a lot of interesting stuff in the book about the guy's life. You can find out more about Ken at KenBaker.net