- Various Stuff. 9/18/00. 6:05am
Howard spent a few minutes talking about going to Doug Goodstein's wedding over the weekend. He said that he was cracking jokes and laughing during the ceremony. Now that he's legally separated he thinks that anyone who gets married is nuts. He also said that the vows the two of them wrote were very childish. He also pointed out that they didn't read them to each other, the Rabbi read them. Apparently they were too nervous to read them. Hank the Dwarf was there but Howard said he was very mellow and sober so he was very boring. Robin said that one of the guests at the wedding came up to her and said that he wanted to dance with her because she was the only one there who had rhythm. After she and Mr. X heard that they decided to get the hell out of there. Howard said that Doug's new wife Marlo looked really beautiful. Gary chimmed in and said that she's got a great rack.
Howard and Robin went to the Luka Luka fashion show last night. Howard had been thinking of doing this last week and he finally broke down and decided to go. He said it wasn't what he expected though. He was led backstage so he thought he'd get to see models changing clothes but he didn't see anything. At one point a model came up to him and tapped him on the back. He wasn't sure if he knew her but he gave her a kiss hello anyway. He soon found out that he had no idea who she was. He did see a picture of her in the paper today. Howard said he was assigned a bunch of bodyguards and was brought right to the front row at the show. He said a lot of the girls looked way too young to be models. He did enjoy seeing them in their see-through clothing though. He said it was kind of like going to Scores with all of the women being paraded in front of him. After the show he said he'd never go to another one. He wasn't very impressed and he knows that the models must look at him like a loser who just wants to get laid.
Doug Goodstein called in from the airport on his way to his honeymoon in Hawaii. He spoke to Howard for a few minutes about the whole wedding. Everyone who went came in and picked apart the whole thing. Howard learned that Robin gave Doug $1000 as a gift while he only gave $700. Robin did bring a guest with her to the wedding though so it was more like she gave him $500. Jackie's wife gave Doug $350. Howard said that Nancy was really acting horny at the wedding. She had her leg up on his shoulder at one point and was showing some skin.
People were also complaining about the food not showing up until after 10pm. The wedding didn't start until 7:02 because they had to wait until it was dark out. That's why the food didn't get started until late. Doug also had to apologize for the parking at the event. There were only 2 valets parking cars and Gary said he had to wait about 20 minutes before his car was parked. Doug had to run off to catch his flight so Howard let him go. Doug will be gone for 2 weeks. Howard and the crew think that Doug will be ready for a divorce after spending 2 solid weeks with his new wife.
- Comedian Joe Rogan Comes In. 9/18/00. 7:10am
Recently Howard has been playing a hilarious comedy bit where this weight lifter and his buddy are hanging out in the basement. One guy says he has a flat ass, the other guy tells him to pull down his pants so he can give his opinion. The guy then tells him that his ass is really tight and he bets that he couldn't get his pecker in there. Long story short, the guy ends up screwing the guy but says he's not gay. It's funnier than I can describe. Anyway, it's a bit off of this comedian Joe Rogan's CD ''I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday''. Today Joe came in to talk to Howard for a few minutes. Howard played the bit first and then moved on to talk to Joe. Joe says that he's not gay and the bit was just a bit that he and his buddy came up with. He didn't actually do the gay thing. Howard did point out that some guy came on to Joe when he was 12 but Joe says he didn't do anything with him. He said the guy was drunk and came up to him while he was fishing. He'd become a friend of the guy over time and when he was alone the guy came on to him. Joe pulled out a pocket knife and scared the guy off.
Howard also talked to Joe about how his father was never around for him. Joe said that he hasn't seen his real father since he was about 7. He claims that the guy used to hit his mother and she decided to get the hell out of the house.
Joe used to be on the TV show ''News Radio''. Howard asked him about the late Phil Hartman and his wife. Joe said that Phil's wife was always a mean person and even called her a ''evil crack-whore''.
Andy Dick was also on the show with Joe. Howard said that Andy is pissed at him now and won't come back on the show after the last time. Joe said that Andy was a strange guy. He told Howard that he was once getting dressed in his trailer and Andy came over and started banging on his door asking him what he was doing. When Joe opened the door Andy was standing there jerking off. Joe said his girlfriend, who was in the trailer, started dry heaving. Joe said that Andy always told him that he wanted to see him having sex with his girlfriend and he was hoping that's what he was going to see when Joe opened the door.
Joe said he's pitching a new TV show that he's been working on and he's hoping it'll get picked up. He said the working title is ''The Vagina Show with Joe Rogan''. He said he doesn't tell anyone the name of the show though. Joe will be appearing up in Boston at the Comedy Connection next week. You can find out more info at JoeRogan.net
- More Time Killers. 9/18/00. 7:50am
Howard killed some time talking about various stories that he's seen in the news. He saw the article about Michael Douglas and Katherine Zeta-Jones with their baby in US magazine. He goofed on how bizarre that whole situation is for a couple of minutes.
Howard also brought up how Kathie Lee is trying to sue the National Enquirer for a story that was written about her son Cody. Howard said that the Enquirer is asking for all of Cody's report cards and other records so they can prove that he's as messed up as they say he is.
Howard says that the Cindy Margolis vs Danni Ashe thing is still going on. Cindy says that she's the ''most downloaded'' woman on the web while Danni claims the same thing. Cindy apparently thinks that Danni is just doing this for publicity.. which is exactly what Cindy does with that information.
Howard played a little bit of a new Mark Harris song.. which was awful. While he was playing that he said he got the new Andrew Dice Clay CD which really sucks. He played a really lame rap song that Dice has on the new CD and goofed on it for a minute. He just wanted to point out what Dice has sunk down to doing. Howard is no longer friends with Dice after Dice blamed Howard for a really bad appearance one time.
- Hank The Dwarf Stumbles In. 9/18/00. 8:20am
Hank the Dwarf came in all liquored up this morning. Robin said that he was actually smiling which he wasn't doing at Doug Goodstein's wedding. He also stunk really bad and it sounded like Fred was about to puke when he caught a whiff of him. Howard said that Hank was all shaved and had his hair cut short for the wedding. The day before the wedding Hank fell down a flight of stairs and had to go to the hospital. There he had a seizure so they didn't want to release him. Hank says he wants to sue the hospital now because they wouldn't let him go. He's had seizures in the past and they usually come on when he stops drinking. He had to be sober for the wedding so that's probably what led to the seizure. Robin said that Hank is really boring when he's not drinking. She tried talking to him at the wedding but he had nothing to talk about since he was drunk.
Howard was curious to know where Hank gets his clothing. Hank wasn't even quite sure. He said something about friends of the family picking out the clothing for him. Gary thinks that he's wearing an adult sized pair or jean shorts but because he's so short they look like full sized jeans on him. Hank says they're not shorts but he's so drunk, how would he know?
Howard noticed that Hank's glasses were squeezing his nose so tight that he couldn't breathe correctly and his voice was different. Hank was wearing an old pair of glasses because his good pair was broken when he fell down the stairs. Howard had him take the glasses off so we could hear how they were closing off his nose.
Gary came in and said that they could give Hank a breathalyzer test to see just how drunk he was. AFter a few minutes of trying to get him to blow into the thing correctly they finally got a reading of .184! That was at 8:35 in the morning! Gary said that legally drunk is .08 so Hank was more than twice the legal limit. Hank later told Howard that he started drinking at the age of 14. He said he had his first drink when he was 6 or 7 but didn't start drinking regularly until he was about 14.. and he hasn't stopped since.
- Hockey Player Mark Messier Comes In. 9/18/00. 8:50am
Mark Messier, captain of the New York Rangers hockey team, came in to talk to Howard for a short time this morning. Mark left the Rangers for a short time and went up to Vancouver to play. Howard thought that it was probably Mark's father who screwed up his contract negotiations. Mark says that's not the case. His father does negotiate his contracts but that's not the reason he left the Rangers. He claims that he left because he saw that the team was going in a different direction and he wasn't part of their plan. He says it had nothing to do with money. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about all of that but soon changed the subject to the hot chicks Mark has dated. Howard heard that Mark was dating model Tyra Banks recently. Mark said that he did go out with her but he didn't have sex with her. Howard asked him if those breasts are real or not. Mark just laughed. Mark says that they were both too busy with their careers and the relationship didn't last.
Howard's buddy Larry ''Ratso'' Sloman called in to kiss Mark's ass for a minute. Ratso is a big hockey fan and even wrote a book about the Rangers a few years ago. He's very happy that Mark is back on the team.
Mark, who's 39 years old, says that he's been in the sport for 23 years now. He loves being back in New York also. Howard asked him about a couple of other players such as Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux and Mark is very humble about his career. Some claim that Mark is the best player ever but he says that Gretzky is better than he is.
Howard wouldn't stray from the subject of hot models for long. A listener told Howard that Mark dated model Frederique for a while. Howard quickly asked Mark about that. Once again Mark didn't have many details. He said he went out with her for a while but when he went to Vancouver they had to break up. He didn't give many details of that relationship. Howard tried to get them but they just weren't coming out.
Howard got back on the subject of Mark's father. Mark says that he pays his father 5% of his income for the contract negotiations. Howard thinks that must be pretty uncomfortable for Mark to have to pay his father like that. Mark doesn't think much of it though.
Howard took a few phone calls for mark and they were split between people who hate him and love him. Some guys said he just sucks and some people were telling him he's like God to them. Howard also plugged Mark's charity ''Tomorrow's Children's Fund'' which you can contact at 212-465-6486. He also said that the Rangers have an open practice today at Madison Square Garden. Anyone can go watch for free today. Howard was starting to wrap things up when he remembered that Mark dated Madonna years ago. He said that he dated her when she was still ''Madonna'' not what she's become today. Howard tried to get some info on that but it was kind of tough. Mark says that they just went on one date and he didn't get anything more than a kiss out of her. He had dinner and walked her home and that was pretty much it. Howard said ''You must have decorated her stomach like a cake!'' before Mark told him that nothing happened. Howard asked him if she stunk or something. Mark didn't say why he didn't try for anything more.
- Nicole Bass Arrested. 9/18/00. 9:45am
Howard read an article in the newspaper about frequent guest Nicole Bass getting arrested. The article, which was very confusing, basically said that she was arrested for biting the thumb of a cop. It wasn't very clear as to exactly what happened but it had something to do with someone accidentally bumping in to Nicole's stepdaughter. That led to a scuffle and Nicole ended up biting some cop. She won't return calls from Gary so she wasn't on the air to defend herself. Howard said the picture of her in the paper was very disturbing. The picture was of Nicole walking hand-in-hand with her stepdaughter but Nicole is so masculine looking that it looked like a guy and a girl instead of two women. Howard says he still finds it tough to call her a her.
Read it here: LADY WRESTLER(Nicole Bass) BITES: COP (NY Post)
- Various Stuff. 9/19/00. 6:05am
Howard spent some time talking about watching the Olympics last night. He said he doesn't really care who wins the events, he just enjoys the art of the games. He said that he thinks Bob Costas must have had some plastic surgery of some kind because he looks very feminine now. He's not positive about that but he thinks something may have been done.
Howard has the chance to go to the Betsey Johnson fashion show tonight but he probably won't go. He was telling Robin how he thinks he may have been looked upon as being a loser when he went to the Luca Luca fashion show on Sunday night. Robin told him that he's nuts and no one was even looking at him at the show. She and Howard then argued about what he feels people think and what Robin thinks people really think. Howard tried to tell her that it's just his feeling and that he doesn't want to be looked at that way but she continued to argue that people aren't doing that. Howard had to let her just win the argument or else she'd just keep it up the whole morning.
Howard took some phone calls to kill some time. One guy told Howard that Dennis Miller isn't that bad on Monday Night Football. He's been tamed and is now hardly noticeable on the show. Howard said he knew they'd have to do that to the guy because he was just too annoying. He says he likes Miller's comedy but he was just annoying with all of his jokes on the show.
Another phone caller brought up how E! showed the naked breasts of a model during fashion week when she flopped out of her outfit. Howard said that's cable and they can do stuff like that but because he gets so much heat for stuff like that they have to blur the breasts on his show. He pointed out how NBC showed the naked breasts of the Australian Aboriginal women during the opening ceremony of the Olympics. He says that NBC is racist because they look at those women as not being real women because they're from the Australian outback. His theory is that they look at those women as being just like animals so they don't have to blur their naked breasts. He says that if those women had been white, they would have had to have covered their breasts during the broadcast.
- Carl Oglio And Perfect 10 Girls Promote ''F Jackie''. 9/19/00. 7:20am
Jackie's new comedy CD ''F. Jackie'' is being released today by Oglio Records. To celebrate that the owner of Oglio, Carl Oglio, came in with 3 women from Perfect 10 magazine. Howard asked Carl how he's able to make money with Jackie's CD's because he can't be selling that many. Carl said that Jackie sells pretty well and he has many other albums that sell quite a few. One of his biggest hits was a porn music CD. He also puts out some Christmas song compilation CD's that sell pretty well.
Howard spoke to each of the 3 Perfect 10 girls for a couple of quick minutes also. There was Renee, a 27 year old, and a 21 year old by the name of Jenny. Howard also spoke to a beautiful 22 year old black woman but I don't think she said her name. Howard asked them what some of their likes and dislikes are. Renee said that she likes game shows like Wheel of Fortune and Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Howard then had Fred ask her a trivia question. He asked her what political party Hilary Clinton is part of. She answered ''Republican''. Howard told her that was a good answer but she was only one off. He figured that if she watches shows like that she must be pretty smart but Fred proved otherwise. You can see Renee over at CircuitGirls.com. You can also find out more about Oglio Records at Oglio.com... and of course, don't forget Perfect10.com. Tuesday, September 19 Jackie will be signing his new CD ''F. Jackie'' at Coconuts on 6th and 51st in New York City. Thursday, September 21 he will be signing the CD at J & R Music World in Manhattan, NYC. The Perfect 10 girls will be there with him.
- Howard Plays Davey and Goliath Tapes. 9/19/00. 8:05am
Howard had clips of the old Davey and Goliath TV shows that he was playing this morning. For those of you who don't know Davey and Goliath, it was a clay animated TV show with a kid who always talked to his dog Goliath. The whole show was funded by the Church of Latter Day Saints so every show revolves around God. Howard said that the murderer, Son of Sam, was probably influenced by this show because he also spoke to his dog. Howard wanted to point out how wacky all of the messages the show gave were. Howard was making up his own Davey and Goliath show where the dog would tell Davey to poison his parents and stuff like that. He did this for about 15 minutes before moving on to Patty the Whore.
- Patty's Pretty Private Parts. 9/19/00. 8:20am
This woman who calls herself Patty the Whore claims that she has the best looking private parts around. Today she came in to show Howard her so-called beautiful private parts. Patty flew in all the way from Portland to do this. Howard said she was wearing silver hot pants and a silver top with her belly exposed. Howard didn't say if she was good looking or not. Patty claims to be a comedian and she has a song that Howard played a short clip of. It wasn't funny. She said that her father produced it and created the music for it. She told Howard that her father is a hippie and had her smoking pot at the age of 2. She says that she's not a prostitute, she just knows how to satisfy a man really well. She's actually married but her husband didn't come in with her. Howard eventually had her show off her private parts. Howard said that there was nothing pretty there. Jackie asked ''Did she say this was supposed to be the best or the worst?'' He said it looked like a ''bike rack.'' Howard said that he's not giving her the title of ''best looking private parts'' because it's far from it. Gary said he had the best view and it wasn't a pleasant site. He also said that even the best looking private parts aren't pretty. Howard said there was a lot of ''moose knuckle'' there. Howard said that Gary actually seemed upset that it was so ugly. Howard let Patty plug her web site PattyTheWhore.com and got her out of there within 5 minutes. He was still distracted by the whole mess a few minutes later.
- Failed Web Sites. 9/19/00. 8:25am
Howard was talking about how this web site Pseudo.com just closed it's doors recently. The site was trying to become an online TV show network but it didn't last. Howard said that he actually visited the place when they were still in business and was thinking of taking over the place. He said that they didn't want him to do that and they told him that the site was going to be huge. Now it's gone. Howard said that it's just not the right time to have TV shows on the web because of the poor quality of the feeds. He said the shows were bad also. He spent a couple of minutes talking about how he won't start his own site because you just can't do what he wants to do on the web at this time. Most people connect at such a slow speed that what he wants to do isn't possible. A few minutes in to this Chaunce Hayden from Steppin' Out Magazine called in to tell Howard that the site he works for, Eyada.com, makes lots of money and is doing really well. Howard doesn't believe him and said that he wants him to come in with the owner of the site so they can prove that they're making money. Chaunce said he's making good money working for the site and Howard didn't believe that either. He doesn't think that Chaunce makes more than $300 a shift. Chaunce says he makes a lot more than that. Howard wants him to prove it.
- Howard's Exclusive Nicole Bass Interview. 9/19/00. 8:55am
Yesterday Howard talked about how Nicole Bass was arrested for allegedly biting the thumb of a New York City cop. Today Nicole called in with an exclusive interview with Howard. Howard introduced her on the phone as being a ''great guy'' joking around about how masculine she looks. Howard reminded everyone about the story, which varies from newspaper to newspaper, and said that Nicole may have been maced or may not have been maced. The one thing the papers agree on is that she bit the thumb of a cop. Nicole told Howard that she can't really talk about the case and that she had a pre-written statement that she wanted to read. Nicole seemed to cheer up as the interview went on. She first thanked Howard for being a friend to her over the years. She then said that she is ''..innocent and I will be vindicated.'' Meanwhile, Fred was doing his Herman Munster impression because that's kind of what Nicole reminds people of. Fred kept that up through the whole interview. Nicole was calling in from Boston where she's trying to relax with her husband.
Howard asked her about how often she has sex with her husband. She said they do that as often as possible. Howard said something about it being impossible, once again joking about her masculinity. Howard then asked her what a human thumb tastes like. Nicole couldn't answer that one. She repeated her ''innocent, vindicated'' line. Howard asked who was arrested that day. Nicole said it was her husband, her stepdaughter and of course, herself. Howard asked what the stepdaughter calls her. She said she calls her ''mom'' and someone blurted out ''Mr. Mom'' from the studio. At that point Nicole reminded Howard that her DNA test proved that she is a woman.
Some of the articles claim that Nicole was trying to give her husband heart medication during the scuffle. Nicole reminded Howard that her husband had a heart attack not that long ago. Howard said ''.. well would't you (have a heart attack) if you had to wake up next to Nicole every day?'' He also said that Nicole's husband has gone where no man has gone before.
Howard wants to have a TV show about Nicole where they'd follow her around. He also said he'd like to put her in ''Son of the Beach''. He suggested that she could play the Loch Ness Monster or something like that.
Howard asked Nicole about what the jail was like. He asked if she was put in a men's or women's jail cell. Of course it was a woman's cell. She was not strip searched but she said there were a couple of corrections officers who asked her if she was a guy or not. She was also frisked but that was done by a woman. Howard thinks they must have done that to check for a penis. Howard wondered what the other women in her cell must have thought when they ''.. Saw him walk in.'' He said they must have thought she was arrested for impersonating a woman.
Howard questioned her about being in the cell and found out that she had to move her bowels in front of a couple of other women. He wondered if the stink overcame everyone in the cell. A phony phone caller, Sal the Stockbroker I believe, called in as Diane, Nicole's cell mate. Howard laughed hysterically when he heard the mans voice.
Finally, Nicole told Howard that she's going to give Howard the exclusive when she finally comes out to talk about this whole situation. Howard said he wants to have the press conference on the show. Stay tuned.
- Leonard Carlo Wins The Fuckin' Fight. 9/19/00. 9:20am
Leonard Carlo, the owner of ''Leonard's Too Fuckin Much'' bar in Colorado Springs, Colorado, called in to talk about his battle against the state of Colorado. Howard told us that Leonard, who enjoys using salty language, had some signs hanging in his bar that said things like ''Do not fucking stand here'' and ''No fucking free water or pop.'' Those signs led to the state of Colorado trying to close down the bar. Apparently there is a law in the state that bans cursing because it leads to fighting. Leonard took the battle on and actually won. He said the ACLU backed him up and now he gets to keep his signs. 66 year old Leonard doesn't have to work but he enjoys his bar. He sold one of the two he owned to Walgreens. He made enough money that he doesn't have to work. He likes drinking and told Howard that he drinks a quart of Brandy every day. He told Howard he doesn't think he's an alcoholic though. He says he could stop drinking today if he had to. Howard congratulated Leonard on his win and said that if he's ever in Colorado he'll stop in the bar for a drink. He took a couple of phone calls and there were some people who think this guy is a loser for some reason. Leonard didn't care what they thought though.
- Various Stuff. 9/20/00. 6:05am
Howard started off the morning talking about how Melissa Ethridge and her lesbian lover have just broken up. Just a few short weeks ago Anne Hache and Ellen Degeneres broke up so it's not a good month for lesbian couples.
Howard also spoke a little bit about George W. Bush going on the Oprah Winfrey show and crying. He didn't get in to the discussion much but said that Bush has a lot of trouble with the English language.
Howard found an article where DJ Rick Dees was bad mouthing him so he spent a few minutes goofing on how bad Rick's show is with his wife doing her really bad celebrity impressions. Rick seems to think that Howard is on his way out and he's on the way back in. Howard said that if that's the case then Howard will leave radio.
Howard said that there's a new Saturday night show this week and filled us in on what's coming up. He played a couple of clips of Gary and Scott yelling at each other to give us a preview of that segment of the show. You can see what's coming up on my ''The Howard Stern Radio Show'' schedule page.
- Cyrinda Foxe-Tyler Calls in. 9/20/00. 7:05am
Cyrinda Foxe-Tyler, ex-wife of Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler, called in to promote her web site and book this morning. Howard was talking about how Cyrinda has a naked picture of her ex-husband on her web site and she's charging like $9 to view it. Howard thinks that's wrong. He heard that Steven didn't want the picture posted on the web and he brought the case to court. The case was eventually dropped and Cyrinda was given permission to use the picture. Howard said that he heard that Steven was pressured in to giving in but Cyrinda says that's not true. The whole 45 minute interview was spent arguing about whether or not Steven wants the picture on the web or not. Cyrinda says that she thinks Steven doesn't really care that the picture is on the web but Howard thinks otherwise. Because Steven brought the case to court Howard thinks that he's not happy that it's going to be out there. Cyrinda argued that she needs to make a living because she only got $137,000 in the divorce settlement after 9 years of marriage. She's trying to start her own business and she's using Steven's name to do it. She thinks that's okay because she put 9 years of work in to the marriage. She kept reminding Howard of that fact over and over again throughout the interview. She told Howard that she thinks Steven thinks that the picture is funny and it won't hurt him. Howard says that it will hurt his feelings and possibly his career. Howard told her that he doesn't have any sympathy for her and still won't agree that putting a private picture of someone on the web is right.
Cyrinda's lawyer, Keith Rubenstein, called in and tried to explain to Howard what was going on. He basically told him the same thing that Cyrinda told him about everything. They were kind of blaming the divorce settlement on the whole situation. Howard took a few phone calls for Cyrinda and all but one person agreed that it was wrong. One guy said that because Cyrinda is desperate for money that all ethics go out the window. So he agreed that what she's doing is okay. The lawyer said it's not revenge, it's desperation. Gary came in and said that he was fuming just listening to the whole thing. He asked her why she doesn't just go out and get a normal job and live like a normal person. Their daughter is 21 years old so she doesn't have to pay for her anymore. Cyrinda said that she has been doing that but she wants to start her own business so she doesn't have to work for anyone. Howard told her that he doesn't agree with her but that's okay. He said that he doesn't agree with the web site but gave her a plug. Her book, ''Dream On'', is available now and her web site can be found at CyrindaFoxe.com.
- Jackie's CD Signing And Other Bad Appearances. 9/20/00. 8:00am
Yesterday Jackie made an appearance at a record store to sign copies of his new CD ''F. Jackie''. He told Howard that only about 50 people showed up so it wasn't one of his best appearances. He even had a few Perfect 10 girls there with him and that failed to draw any more people. Howard said it was raining pretty hard yesterday so that may have kept people away. That discussion led to everyone else sharing stories of bad appearances they made. Howard told a story about when he was in Washington D.C. and he released an album after being fired from a radio station. He said he had a lot of people at a couple of appearances but then at one he only had 3 people show up. He was also kicked in the nuts by a 16 year old kid who was asking to bring her mother in.
Jackie remembered one appearance back in 1980 where absolutely no one showed up. When some guy started walking toward him he got excited but the guy just wanted to know where the geography section was.
Gary did one at a car audio place and only 2 people showed up.. and they were there for car stereos.
Jackie said that one of the funniest appearances he had was when Captain Janks took all of the people who showed up and hid them behind the building he was appearing at. Jackie thought that no one showed up and freaked out. He said that Janks had hidden 200 people behind the building and when he showed up he had to hug Janks because he was so happy there were people. Howard retold a story about how Jackie made him look like a fool in front of Regis and Kathie Lee's producer Gellman. Here's a recap from the archives: Howard said that they went to a restaurant one night and they saw the producer Gellman from Regis Philbin's show. They were thinking of sending a drink over to the guy but they decided against it. Howard didn't want to embarrass the guy or himself. Then a short time later the waitress came over to his table and says ''Mr. Gellman wants to buy you a drink.'' Howard then turned around and yells over to Gellman that it wasn't necessary and that he was going to buy him a drink. Gellman and his whole group of people looked at him like he was nuts. Howard said he saw Gellman mouth the words ''I didn't offer to buy him a drink'' to one of his friends. Howard then realized that Gellman didn't offer to buy him a drink. It turns out that Jackie told the waitress to tell him that so Howard would look like an idiot. Howard said he just laughed his ass off. He spoke to Gellman later and told him how he'd been set up.
Gary also remembered the time that Stuttering John stole the Gary Puppet at an appearance. He now looks back on it and sees just how dumb he was for leaving the puppet alone in the store he was at.
Howard said that they almost stole Jackie's floating dock, AKA ''The Jetty'', but Dominic Barbara couldn't keep his mouth shut and spoiled the surprise. Howard said they were going to send Jackie a ransom note and pieces of the jetty to keep up the goof.
Jackie's favorite goof was when the Real Doll was first delivered and someone replaced the doll with a real woman. When they opened the crate Howard said that it looked so real and all of a sudden the girl sat up in the box and freaked him out.
Gary said the last of the goofs came when Gary fired Stuttering John on a hidden camera and then John came back at him with a stockbroker who told him that he'd lost all of his money. By then it was getting too serious and they called off all of the goofs.
- Goofing On George W. 9/20/00. 8:20am
Howard spent a couple of minutes reading an article about George W. Bush's appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show yesterday. Howard also read some George W. quotes from some book. He says a lot of goofy stuff that doesn't make sense kind of like Dan Quayle used to do. He gave a couple of examples like:
Just dopey stuff like that. Howard said that some people think that George W. might be dyslexic. Howard said he doesn't really care about that stuff though. He just doesn't like the fact that they're like performing monkeys on all of these shows. He wants to see them acting professional.
- I understand small business growth, I was one.
- This is clearly a budget, there are lots of numbers in it.
- I know how hard it is to put food on your families.
- I think we agree the past is over.
- Gary Namie's ''The Bully At Work''. 9/20/00. 9:00am
This guy Gary Namie called in to talk about his book ''The Bully at Work : What You Can Do to Stop the Hurt and Reclaim Your Dignity on the Job''. Howard had Gary (Baba Booey) send this Namie guy some tapes of them arguing with each other so he could analyze them. Howard seems to think that he's not really a bully. Baba Booey would disagree. He was hoping to get some sympathy from Namie but it didn't happen. Howard first had some trouble with the phone connection with Namie so he had to have him call back. He asked if it was okay to yell at the engineering department over that. Namie said that wouldn't be bullying because it's a real problem. He says that bullies are people who treat people like crap for no reason. He listened to the tapes of Howard yelling at Gary and said that Howard and his crew are a ''special dysfunctional family'' and Howard is the Papa. He tends to yell at people just like his father yelled at him when he was a child. Baba Booey says that he's not that upset about Howard yelling at him. It's just the fact that he's yelling at him on the radio which is like being yelled at in front of the whole office. Stuttering John said that Gary does the same thing to him though. He's gotten yelled at in front of the whole office before. Gary said that he's done that a couple of times but other times he's spoken to him in private. That's what he'd like Howard to do to him. Namie found it interesting that Gary will yell right back at Howard and Howard doesn't fire him.
Howard asked Namie what an average guy could do if his boss is bullying him at work. Namie suggests that the person go to someone 2 levels above the bully and try to make that person think that their bosses job isn't worth keeping financially. If that doesn't work then the person should walk away from the job. Namie made a lot of comparisons between different types of people but it's more than I can explain here. You can find out more at his web site BullyBusters.org.
- Howard Missed Out On Betsey Johnson Fashion Show. 9/20/00. 9:30am
Howard went to a fashion show over the past weekend and decided that it wasn't the type of thing he wanted to do again. He passed on the Betsey Johnson fashion show because he felt he'd be looked at as a loser by the people at the show. Scott Einziger from E! went to the show so he came in and told Howard about what it was like. He said that it was the ''center of the lech universe'' with tons of guys checking out the Playboy models who were modeling the clothes. He said there were a lot of celebrities there such as Donald Trump, Steven Tyler, Cindy Lauper, Paulina Porizkova and others. He said that the Playboy models included Karin Taylor, Victoria Silvstedt and the Dahm triplets. After hearing about how cool the show sounded Howard said he made a mistake by not going. He now thinks that he missed out on something cool but ''live and learn'' was what he repeated a couple of times.
- Various Stuff. 9/21/00. 6:05am
Howard started off the show reading a list of celebrities who didn't graduate high school. He thought it was pretty interesting but didn't know where Gary got the list. Some of the celebrities included:
- Jim Carey
- Tom Cruise
- Keanu Reeves
- Johnny Depp
- Billy Joel
- Al Pacino
- John Travolta
- Drew Barrymore
- Demi Moore
To celebrate the olympics Howard is thinking of holding his own special olympics. He'd like to have people like Gary the Retard and CP Comic Michael Aronin compete in games against each other. It's just a thought right now though. The subject of Robin's horses came up and that led to Jackie offering to compete against her in an olympic horse riding competition. Jackie once rode one of Robin's horses and everyone kept telling Robin that he could ride just as well as her. She got very defensive and says Jackie can't ride at all. Now she wants him to prove it. Robin said that she doesn't see her horses that much since she moved in to a new house recently. She only sees them every few weeks instead of every weekend. Howard wondered why she just doesn't sell the things. She says she loves her horses and won't sell them. She says she's kind of busy with her new house and doesn't have time to ride them but they're being taken care of.
Stuttering John has been suffering from hemorrhoids lately and today he came in and told Howard that he's got one the size of a ping pong ball. Howard and the crew asked him to show it but he said he hadn't showered lately so it wasn't clean. Everyone begged him to show it but he wouldn't budge. Dominic Barbara called in and offered him $1000 to show it. Howard offered another $1000. Robin threw in another $1000 and Fred upped it another $500. John still wouldn't do it. He was the one who originally brought up the idea but he changed his mind pretty quickly. Tom Chiusano called in and offered another $1000. Howard said that he'd even put the picture up on HowardStern.com if he did it. He turned down the $4500 offer. Howard upped his offer to $2000 which then made Dominic up his to $2500. The total was up to $7500 and he was still turning it down. John said he'd probably do it if he were drunk. Everyone told him to go drink. Gary even said he'd offer a picture of his butt hole for free. They even offered to have 10 listeners down to the studio who would each pay $1000 to view it. That would bring the total up to $17,500. He turned the offer down. No one could believe that he was turning that amount of money down. Howard later heard that he was on the phone with is wife saying that he wouldn't do it for $50,000.. it's just not him.
- 9 Year Old Has Rosie O'Donnell Nightmares. 9/21/00. 7:10am
The mother of a 9 year old kid called in this morning to tell Howard about her son's nightmares. Apparently her son Jason has nightmares about Rosie O'Donnell eating him. He also freaks out when she watches the Rosie O'Donnell show each day and won't let her watch it. The kid got on the phone and told Howard how in his nightmares, Rosie will start out eating his feet then move up to eat his legs, his body then his head. He said when she gets to his head he screams out ''Mom!'' and wakes up. The mother said that she has been to a psychologist and he told her to have the kid confront his fears and meet Rosie. She said she's tried to contact the show but they won't return her phone calls. Howard told her that Rosie might be embarrassed by something like that and she probably won't call back. Howard asked the kid how many bites it takes Rosie to eat him in his dreams. He said it takes 3 bites total. Howard took a couple of phone calls and one woman suggests that the kid may have seen the ''Austin Powers'' movie where Fat Bastard wants to eat the midget and that might be part of his problem. The kid said he did see it but that's not the problem. Howard had Fred play the clip from the movie where Fat Bastard says ''I'm gonna eat ya.. get in my belly!'' to see if the kid would react to it. He didn't. Another caller said that perhaps the mother spends more time watching Rosie than with the kid and he's just trying to get attention. The mother said she's there for the kid all the time. Finally, bloated attorney Dominic Barbara called in and made a joke that 1 in 3 kids have the same nightmare. He was laughing at his own joke so hard he could barely speak.
- Howard Gives Away A Trip. 9/21/00. 7:55am
Howard wanted to play a game of ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' that Gary had for him. Gary said the questions came from the writers of the real show and they were in TV Guide recently. Howard also had a trip to give away to a WWF Pay-Per-View so a guy on the phone said he'd like to play. Howard told him he had to get up to the 9th question, or $16,000 to win the trip. He played and got one wrong before then but Howard let him keep playing. Eventually they got to the 9th question and the guy won the trip. Here are the questions they played:
The guy actually cheated on the last question but Howard gave him the trip. The guy used a dictionary to look up the word. The question he got wrong was the Lexicon question. He didn't cheat on that question though. Once the trip was given away Howard gave up on the game. A short time later KC came in and said he'd like to play against Robin in the game because she's always calling him stupid.
- What brand of household insecticide uses the ad slogan ''Kills bugs dead''? - Raid
- Who was Bonnie's famous parter in crime? - Clyde
- Before marrying Nancy, who did Ronald Reagan marry? - Jane Wyman
- What color is the traditional color of environmentalist groups? - Green
- What writer was married to a woman by the name of Zelda? - F. Scott Fitzgerald
- What is the more common name for a Lexicon? - Dictionary
- At what temperature on the Centigrade scale does water boil? - 100 degrees
- What fabric is produced from flax? - Linen
- What is a Funambulist? - Tightrope walker
Howard first read an article about Jason Priestly using the F-word on the Fox News channel while he was promoting his new movie ''Bare Naked in America''. The article described how Jason showed up wreaking of alcohol and having the sniffles. He fell asleep in the makeup chair and spilled some coffee in the green room. Then when he got on the air he went in to a tirade about show business and about how Canadians are disappearing or something wacky like that. He cursed while talking about the show business thing and later apologized for it. His representative says that he was just jet-lagged from a trip over from England. Howard said he has to get a copy of that tape because it sounds fascinating.
Howard took a break and came back to have KC and Robin play the Millionaire game against each other.
KC thought that he could beat Robin at this but it wasn't meant to be. Gary had the final 6 questions from the previous game so he gave one to KC, then one to Robin and so on. Here are the questions:
So neither of them were that smart but KC wasn't smart at all. He says that on another day he could beat her at the game. Robin doesn't think so.
- KC - How often is golf's Ryder Cup held? - 2 years (KC answered 4 years)
- Robin - At their closest point what distance separates the United States from Russia? - 2.5 miles (Robin got it right)
- KC - How many of Henry the VIII's wives lost their heads? - 2 (KC answered 1)
- Robin - What celebrity was born Jacob Cohen? - Rodney Dangerfield (Robin and KC both answered correctly)
- KC - What famous person said ''Man is by nature an animal''? - Aristotle (KC answered Karl Marx)
- Robin - Sissy Spacek is the cousin of what famous person? - Rip Torn (Robin got it wrong)
- Colt 40 Feinberg Comes Out Of Retirement. 9/21/00. 8:50am
Comedian (?) Colt 40 Feinberg, who just retired a couple of months ago on the show, came in to announce that he's coming out of retirement. For those of you who don't know Colt, here's a quick description: White guy with a fake afro doing a Chris Rock impression. For some reason he is coming out of retirement and will be doing his comeback show at Bonkers in Orlando, Florida on October 27th. He joked about a bunch of stuff with Howard for a few minutes. He makes a lot of racial jokes and a few of them were actually funny. Colt also has his own column in Razor Magazine as well as a web site at DigMyAfro.com.
Howard took a few phone calls for Colt but most of them didn't even acknowledge the fact that he was there. People were just calling to talk to Howard. Those to did talk about Colt didn't have anything good to say about him. One guy called in wanting to talk to Howard because his father just died and he doesn't have anyone to talk to. Howard eventually put him on hold to talk to Gary because he didn't want the headache. Other people called in to talk about Howard's E! shows this week because it's the drinking show from backstage at the MTV Video Music Awards. One guy said he saw naked breasts behind Kid Rock at one point. Another guy suggested that they cube out Stuttering John's big, flabby stomach because it was disturbing to look at. This discussion also led to the Saturday night show and The Cindy Margolis Show. Howard said that Cindy is mad at him now because of the things he's said about her horrible show. She refuses to come back on the show now. Howard doesn't think her show will last more than 4 or 5 more weeks. Howard plugged Colt's appearances again and moved on to do commercials.
- Jackie Disses Benjy. 9/21/00. 10:20am
Late in the show Gary told Howard that Jackie is having a party tonight to celebrate the release of his latest album, ''F. Jackie''. Gary also said that Jackie invited just about everyone.. except Benjy. He said that Benjy is kind of upset about it because Jackie handed out the invitations right in front of him. Jackie says he could only invite like 50 or 60 people and he drew the line at Benjy. It turns out he invited everyone except for the interns.. and Benjy. He even invited the food delivery guy! He explained that he didn't want Benjy to make a fool of himself at his party like he did at the MTV Video Music Awards where he stuck his finger down his throat to make himself vomit. Jackie just didn't want any inappropriate behavior coming from the guy. Benjy said he still likes Jackie and he's not mad about not being invited. He's just a little upset over it. Everyone discussed this for a few minutes but Jackie refused to break down and invite the guy. Howard even told Jackie that he had Benjy over to his place for a party and it wasn't really a problem. There was one theory that Jackie is afraid that Benjy is trying to steal his job and that's why he's not invited. Benjy gets to come in and write jokes for Howard for part of the show which is what Jackie does. Jackie says that's not why he wasn't invited though.
- Stuttering John's Ass The Subject Of The Morning..Again. 9/22/00. 6:05am
Stuttering John's hemorrhoid was the major subject of the morning again. Howard had a guy on the phone who said he'd pay $10,000 to see it but there was one stipulation. He had to be able to meet Robin Radzinski. Howard said he could set that up but John would have to agree to it also. John came in and said that he's still not going to take the money. It's still to personal to him. He said the 'roid is so uncomfortable that he was unable to sleep last night. He has to keep his legs in a position so that they don't rub his 'roid the wrong way. He can't have sex either. Howard told him he's got to change his diet and he's got to stop pushing when he's on the bowl. Howard and Gary came to an agreement that the money they're offering John to see his ping pong sized hemorrhoid is way too much. Gary was only paid $20,000 to see a dopey tape he made for his girlfriend and that's where John's offer is heading. Howard called off the whole offer this morning.
This discussion led to Howard talking to John about his alcohol consumption. John doesn't think this stuff has anything to do with his ass problems. Howard and Gary told him that he's an alcoholic and asked him if he'd be able to stop for a month. John says he can do that but he has no desire to do it. Gary admitted that he's addicted to cigarettes again but John won't admit that he's an alcoholic. He says he doesn't drink every day.. just Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. John also revealed that he's been sick and he's fighting the illness with antibiotics. Howard told him that's another problem with his health. He said he should let his immune system cure him. John said that he tried vitamin C but that didn't work this time. Howard said that vitamin C causes diarrhea and that won't help his ass problem.
Gary tried to help John out by giving him some advice but John wouldn't listen. He kept bringing up the fact that Gary is addicted to smoking and he's trying to tell him how he shouldn't keep drinking. Gary said that he knows that he's an addict but he's not in pain at this moment. He was just trying to help John out by having him stop drinking. It wasn't sinking in to John's head though. Gary eventually got fed up and said that he had 3 words for John and he'd leave the studio. He said that any doctor would tell him that his major problem is ''You don't listen.'' He then walked out of the studio. Shortly after that Howard kicked John out of the studio.
- Various Stuff. 9/22/00. 6:40am
Howard talked about an article he read in the news today about this guy who faked a tainted water bottle the other day. He said the guy put so much bleach in his bottle that the cops said he would have been in big trouble if he actually drank the water. Howard thought it was great that the guy was caught and said he should get 10 to 15 years in jail for faking something like that. The guy claimed that he did it for the attention and that he just wanted to be famous. Howard thinks he probably wanted to sue someone over it.
Howard was thrilled to read that the Dr. Laura TV show has been pulled off the air for a week while they ''retool'' it. They TV producers claim that it was a planned hiatus but the show has only been on for a couple of weeks. Howard said the show gets lower ratings than the show it replaced.
A listener called in with a quiz for Stuttering John to take to see if he's an alcoholic. The guy asked questions like:
The caller thinks John is just in deep denial.
- Have you ever missed a day at work because of your alcohol drinking? - No
- Has a family member ever asked you to stop drinking? - No
- Have you ever considered stopping? - No
- Have you ever been in trouble with the law because of your drinking? - No
- Have you ever had a morning drink? - No
- Have you ever had a drink the next day to make you feel better? - No
- Is anyone in your family an alcoholic? - No
Howard spent a few minutes talking about Jackie's CD release party that he had last night. Howard said he showed up for about 2 minutes but the party wasn't that great so he left. He said it was held at the Friars club and there were a bunch of people there who Jackie didn't even know. Howard said they asked him to take pictures with them so he did that to be nice but he didn't stick around. Howard also said that there was no food to eat and you had to pay for your own drinks. Robin said she only spent about 15 minutes there. Gary said that later in the night the party turned in to a real party. He also brought up something Jackie introduced at the party. It's a Joke Karaoke thing called KaraJokie. You go up on stage and tell Jokes while reading them like you'd do to a song in Karaoke. Gary said it was actually pretty funny to see an old woman yelling out the F word while telling one of Jackie's jokes. Jackie is hoping to make some money off of this new invention. Howard said he's like Ralph Kramden from the ''Honeymooners''. He's always got these wacky business ideas.
- CP Kids Sean And James Need Dates. 9/22/00. 7:20am
These two kids who suffer from Cerebral Palsey called in to try and get dates. They each had lists of women they read who they would like to go to their high school prom with. The guys said that they go to a regular school but the girls don't want to date them. One of the kids said that he could have gone out with another CP girl but he wants a regular girl. They told Howard that they were both stricken by CP because of a lack of oxygen at birth. One of the kids sounded worse than the other though. They both said that from their waists up they're pretty normal but they can't stand up.
They both gave their lists of women and they included women like Houston the porn star and a bunch of other women like that. After a few minutes of talking to them a 17 year old girl by the name of Jerri called in and said that she and her friend would date them. Howard asked her a couple of questions and the guys sounded in to it so he put them all on hold to set up the date. The girl said that they're both blond and really cute. Howard's not taking her word on that though. We'll find out more after the date.
- The Gossip Game With Guest Sandra Taylor. 9/22/00. 7:50am
Long time friend of the show Sandi Taylor came in to promote her web site and to play the Mike Walker gossip game. Sandi, who used to go by the name Sandi Korn has been coming on the show for at least 10 years. She used to be kind of chubby but she changed her image a few years ago and has been in a few movies. When she came in Howard told her that she's looking better than ever. He quickly got Mike Walker on the phone and got in to a discussion about this ''Most Downloaded Woman'' controversy that's been going on lately between Cindy Margolis and Danni Ashe. Sandi claims that she and Cindy were on a show together one time and Cindy claimed to be the number 1 pin-up girl. At the time Sandi had the best selling poster in the country 3 years in a row. She later learned that Cindy patented the term ''Number 1 Pin-up Girl'' and that's the reason they didn't call Sandi that on the show they were on. So Sandi is wondering about Cindy's claim about being the most downloaded. She said that they're good friends with each other and she doesn't want to cause any problems. Mike said he'd have to look in to the whole situation.
Howard had Mike get to his gossip game so they could get that out of the way. Howard also said that Sandi would be playing for a listener. If she wins the game the guy would get $1000 courtesy of iWon.com. Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
Howard, Sandi, Robin and Fred all went with number 1 as the false story. Jackie went with number 3. The actual false story was number two. We had no winners today.
- Cameron Manheim, star of ''The Practice'', went ahead and told Christopher Reeve that he could do a show this season. Producer David E. Kelly freaked out and yelled at Manheim when he got a call from Reeve's people asking for contract info. He eventually changed his mind and said that Reeve can do an episode this season.
- Katie Couric was bitten by a kangaroo while doing a photo shoot at the olympics in Australia.
- Melanie Griffith has been taking fertility drugs but they cause migraine headaches. Her doctor told her to stand on her head to get the blood flowing better when she gets the headaches.
- Ray Romano and co-star Brad Garret were out of the country shooting some footage for the new season of ''Everybody Loves Raymond''. Brad got to the airport to leave and forgot his passport and $1000 he had. Ray pretended not to know Brad for a minute when he was about to be taken away. He soon revealed that he had Brad's passport and money.
After the game Howard spent a lot of time talking to Sandi. Howard tried to check out her web site, Sandi-Taylor.com, but it wasn't up and running at the time. Sandi said she doesn't appear nude on the site but she does do chat sessions with fans.
Each time Sandi is on the show she claims to be really good at math so Howard tried to stump her again. He asked her what 25 times 25 is. She didn't answer right away but eventually got the correct answer. It turns out her father was a math professor and a world class shot put dude. She said he even came up with the ''infinite zero'' theory. He also wrote text books about math. Gary came in and asked her if she knew what an isosceles triangle was. She said that it's a triangle with 3 equal sides. Gary told her that's wrong and that it's actually a triangle with 2 equal sides. He had to check the dictionary because she refused to believe that she was wrong.
Sandi told Howard that she just shot a movie called ''Tomcats'' with Shannon Elizabeth recently and she plays a nurse in the movie. She's got a couple of other movie things going on also.
Howard heard that Sandi came to the show with another really hot woman, Elizabeth Guber. It turns out she's the daughter of a movie producer by the name of Peter Guber. She came in and Howard spent another half hour talking with her. Elizabeth is the host of some internet talk show and Howard wanted to know how much she makes doing that. She said it's less than $100,000 but more than $25,000. Howard thinks that her father supports her but she kept telling him he doesn't. Earlier Sandi told Howard how she goes to a spiritual advisor and it turns out that Elizabeth goes to the same guy. Howard thinks that there's no way she could afford such a luxury making the little amount of money she makes on the web thing. She said that she can and still refused to admit that her father helps her out. Howard goofed around with her about that for quite a while. He eventually asked her what movies her father produced. Elizabeth said he produced movies like ''Batman'', ''Rain Man'', ''Flashdance'' and ''Sleepy Hollow''. So he's loaded. Howard said that he was falling in love with her. He soon told her that he'd like to marry her so he could back the brinks truck up to the house after her father dies. He spent the next 15 minutes talking about how he'd kiss her fathers ass so he could get some of his money. Once in a while Sandi would tell Howard something about Mr. Guber's house and he'd get even more excited about marrying Elizabeth. He even thanked Sandi for bringing in his new wife.
Sandi has a few movies and stuff like that coming up and you can probably find out more about them on her web site.. if it's running yet. Sandi-Taylor.com
- Ex-Intern Marni To Kick-Box Rick Rockwell. 9/22/00. 9:20am
Marni the intern returned to the show today to tell Howard about a kick-boxing thing she'll be doing against ''Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire'' guy Rick Rockwell. Marni first spent a few minutes talking to Howard about the bad times she had working with Gary in the office when she was interning at the show. She didn't get along with Gary for some reason and Gary doesn't get it. She claims that he flirted with other interns when she was there but he didn't pay much attention to her. Howard said Gary was probably trying to act professional but she doesn't think so. Gary said he remembers her as one who needed a lot of attention. They argued a little while about that until Howard moved on to ask about the kick-boxing thing. Marni said it's a charity event being held at the Crunch fitness center on Lafayette Street in New York City. She will be kick-boxing Rick Rockwell. She says that it'll be kind of like a WWF-type thing where they'll be trash talking each other. Howard also had Rick on the phone so he asked him a couple of questions. Rick said that he's only had one kick-boxing lesson. Marni has been doing it for about a year and a half. They're going to rehearse tonight when they're weighed in.
Howard also asked Rick a couple of questions about the whole ''Marry a Millionaire'' thing and how it went wrong. Rick didn't give a lot of details because he's got a book coming out which, he says, will reveal quite a bit of info.
You can see this disaster happen live on Crunch.com Saturday night at 8:30pm. Marni also has her own web site at MarniRosenthal.com