Howard Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 8/30/99 to 9/3/99

---

-- Monday August 30, 1999 --
• Howard Returns From Vacation. 8/30/99. 6:05am
  Howard returned from his one week vacation today. He said that he's still sick after all this time and he's thinking of finally going to the doctor to get checked out. He was out in California from Monday to Friday and he eventually discussed that with Robin. Robin stayed in New York during her vacation. She saw a few movies while she was home. Fred stayed home and saw some doctors about his continuous migraine headache. He finally found something to cure it called ''Amerge.''

• Howard Discusses His Week In Los Angeles. 8/30/99. 6:20am
  Howard said that his vacation wasn't much of a vacation because he was working the whole time he was out in Los Angeles. He said that he was out there to pitch his cartoon ''Doomsday'' to the networks. He said he was very successful but can't make any announcements yet. Howard said he met this guy out there who's known as ''The King Of Pitch'' who's great at pitching ideas to producers. Howard met with him and thought that he wouldn't be sucked in to anything but soon found out that ''The King of Pitch'' got that name for a reason. Howard was just about ready to buy the guy's stuff. Howard also had stories about his flight back from L.A. He said lately when he flies out and back he doesn't see any celebrities anymore. That was the case when he flew out on Monday but Friday was different. His flight with American Airlines was canceled so he was moved to a United Airlines flight. He got moved from first class to business class because there were so many people booked. He found out that Elizabeth Hurley got the last of the first class seats and that pissed him off. He thinks he's a bigger star than her. Eventually he got on the flight and saw that Jaleel White (''Family Matters'' Steve Erkle) was up in first class. Howard spoke to him for a couple of minutes and figures he must have thought that Howard was a loser for sitting in business class. Howard said that he was also in business with Jackie who was also out in California. Howard went over to Jackie's house on Saturday and spent the day on the beach with his daughter Emily. Jackie showed off his Jetty to Emily. Howard said when Jackie came in from the Jetty he had bird crap on his back that he had rolled in out on the Jetty. Later that afternoon Gary called Howard from the Yankee game so everyone went back to Jackie's shack to watch the game.

• The Yankee Game Freak Show. 8/30/99. 7:10am
  Modell's Sporting Goods hooked Howard up with the four most visible seats at Yankee stadium this past weekend. Howard sent Gary(Baba Booey) with Gary the retard, Beetlejuice the dwarf and Nicole Bass the masculine female body builder. Every time the camera took a shot of the batter you could see 3 or 4 of the freaks sitting there doing various things. Baba Booey called Howard and had him instruct them on what to do when the camera was on them. Gary the retard showed up this morning to talk about his experience at the game. Baba Booey said that Gary is the happiest person he's ever met. The guy doesn't have any worries so he's always happy. Booey explained how they were told not to embarrass the Yankees in any way because George Steinbrenner was in the stadium and Modell's didn't want any trouble. Howard had them do a couple of goofy things but nothing outrageous. At one point Howard had all four of them do the wave when he'd see them on TV. Howard said he got a real kick out of that. It was like he was playing a video game. Baba Booey told Howard how he had to baby sit all of the freaks. He took them to the bathroom and had to watch them like children. He almost lost Gary when fans took him out of the bathroom to get his autograph. Baba Booey said that Beetlejuice was sleeping and snoring throughout most of the game. He said he must be narcoleptic because he can fall asleep at any time. He's also very hard to communicate with. Howard had him on the phone but everything he was saying was nonsense. He did manage to get in a plug for his 900 number - 900-WEE-HEAD.. I can't imagine what's on that line. You can also see him over at www.jollydwarf.com. When Howard was rapping up the segment he brought up the TV show ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'' that he was watching recently. He thought that they could come up with a game like that for Gary the retard. Howard asked him a few questions like
  • How many breasts do 3 women have? - Gary said ''Two''
  • Which phrase has the word ''ice'' in it.. paper cup, ice cream,(a couple of others) - Gary said: ''Paper Cup''
  • Three cars are in an accident, how many tires are there? - Gary said ''Twenty four''
  • Which part of the body does a headache affect? - Gary said ''The head''
  • How many pennies are in $3? - Gary said ''3000''
  There were other questions that Gary got right but there weren't many. Howard said he'd also like to put Beetlejuice in the game.

• Jaleel White Comes In. 8/30/99. 8:40am
  Actor Jaleel White(AKA Steve Erkle) came in to promote his new TV show ''Grown Ups'' today. He came in dressed in a nice suit which Howard said was too nice for the show. Jaleel said that he's doing ''The View'' later this morning so that's why he was dressed up. He said he chose to do that show over Regis and Kathie Lee because he thinks she's a phony. Howard applauded him for having the balls to say that. Howard doesn't like the women on ''The View'' but they're better than Kathie Lee. Howard went on to tell Jaleel how he thinks that he's been able to shed the ''Erkle'' image better than a lot of child stars. Howard said you still see Jerry Mathers as ''The Beaver'' and Gary Coleman as Arnold from ''Diff'rent Strokes'' and Emanuel Lewis as ''Webster.'' Jaleel said that he's friends with Emanuel and went on to tell Howard how great a guy ''Manny'' is. Howard asked if Emanuel had his home designed to accommodate his shortness. Jaleel, being the nice guy he is, didn't want to say anything about the guy that might offend him so he skirted around the subject. He did say that Emanuel drives a big truck and has special pedals because he can't reach them but that was about it. Howard went on to explain why he was in business class on the airplane with Jaleel. Jaleel said he didn't want to say anything at the time but he was wondering why Howard was stuck in business class. Jaleel said that he didn't think Elizabeth Hurley looked that good and Howard wasn't missing anything not being up in first class. Jaleel told Howard a story about how Della Reese dissed him after working with him on a TV show when he was much younger. Basically she blew him off after his family stopped contributing to her religious meetings. Howard took a bunch of phone calls before Jaleel left. Most of them were complimentary. There were rumors that some of the cast members on the show were jealous of Jaleel's popularity on ''Family Matters.'' Jaleel didn't want to bad mouth anyone but eventually Howard found out that it was the woman who played the mother on the show, Jo Marie Payton-Noble, who had the problem. That's why she eventually left the show. Jaleel said that he doesn't ''have any words for that woman..'' and said that he wouldn't even mention her name. That was as close to bad mouthing someone as he ever got. Jaleel's new show ''Grown Ups'' airs tonight on UPN at 9pm. Jaleel hinted that Howard might be joining the UPN family soon but Howard didn't want to give any details about it.

  ---

  -- Tuesday August 31, 1999 --

• Useless Facts. 8/31/99. 6:45am
  Howard spent a few minutes reading off some useless facts that he received. He sort of made a game out of it but eventually it just turned into fact readings. Here are some examples of the stuff he read:
  • Babies are born without kneecaps
  • What is the only animal that can't jump? - Elephant
  • Leonardo DiVinci invented scissors
  • The average human eats 8 spiders during their life while sleeping
  • What is the most common name in the world? - Mohammed
  • The microwave was invented when a technician walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket
  • The average human falls asleep in 7 minutes
  • ''TYPEWRITER'' is the longest word you can type with the top keys on a keyboard
  • Peanuts are an ingredient in dynamite
  • 2/3 of the world's eggplant's are grown in New Jersey

• Howard Appearing At The MTV Video Music Awards. 8/31/99. 7:25am
  Howard mentioned this morning that the show will be taping a show at the MTV Video Music Awards on September 9. The show will tape and play the next morning. Howard said that MTV invited him but said they won't force any guests to appear on the show and they won't allow Stuttering John in the press room. Howard was thinking that it might be a bad idea after he heard John's not allowed in the press room.

• Sally The ''Queen For A Day'' Woman Writes A Nasty Letter. 8/31/99. 8:10am
  Sally was a contestant in one of Howard's ''Queen For A Day'' contests back in July. She wasn't the official winner but Dr. Sal Calabro said he'd give her breast implants anyway. She recently wrote a letter to KC complaining about how the show ''used her'' for ratings and how she wasn't told she'd have to make her way to Philadelphia to get the implants. Howard read it on the air and couldn't believe how ungrateful this woman was. He had her on the phone so he could try to find out why she was complaining. She told Howard that she wrote the letter when she was very angry and she's calmed down since then. She told him that there was no way she could afford to get herself to Philly and when she told KC that he said he'd get back to her and never did. She said the same thing about Dr. Calabro's people. Howard also got Dr. Calabro on the phone and he said that Sally was very rude to the people at his office. She denied that and said she was very polite. Both Howard and Dr. Calabro said that if Sally had asked nicely instead of being snippy they probably would have hooked her up with tickets to Philly. Sally doesn't work because she suffers from fibromyalgia which makes her feel tired all the time. That's the reason she doesn't have enough money for the tickets. Dr. Calabro said he suffers from the same thing but working out makes you feel better. Howard said he's heard that it could be all in her head.

• Replaying Gary Garver Interviews. 8/31/99. 8:45am
  Howard was talking about various subjects and basically wasting time this morning. He also replayed some Gary Garver celebrity interviews from a couple weeks back. Howard also got a call from a listener up in Canada who brought up this wacky ruling by the Canadian Broadcast Council who said that Howard is allowed to call a person a ''retard'' but he's not allowed to call a group of people ''retards.'' Melrose Larry Green also called in with some tape of Jerry Lewis on Larry King Live but Howard could only take a couple of minutes of the tape before he hung up on Melrose.

• Brother Sister Team From SeeAmateurs.com. 8/31/99. 9:10am
  This guy showed up this morning with his sister. He told KC that he has taken nude pictures of his sister for this web site but they're not up yet. Howard started off the segment trying to look at the web site but KC had spelled amateur ''AMATURE'' so he goofed on him for a minute. So this guy came in and plugged the web site a few too many times. His sister came in and showed off her breast implants that she just got 7 weeks ago. The sister said that it is weird for her little brother to take pictures of her but she needs the money. The brother said they make like $7000 a month with the site. The sister showed her breasts to Howard but she said her areola's are very large and she doesn't like the way they look. Howard said they look fine but KC yelled out ''Damn those are big.. They look like two pizzas.'' Robin took a peek and said ''Those are perfect.. what are you talking about?'' The brother said that you can sign up for 3 days access to the site for $3. Just head to www.SeeAmateurs.com

  ---

  -- Wednesday September 1, 1999 --

• Howard Offered Lifetime Achievement Award. 9/1/99. 7:10am
  This morning Howard said that he's really wanted to be recognized for the way he's changed radio over the years. He thought he was finally going to get that recognition when he got a letter telling him that he was going to get a Lifetime Achievement Award from AVN. Then he remembered what AVN was.. Adult Video News. It's basically a newsletter about the porn industry. They're offering to fly him out to Las Vegas in January to give him the award at their annual AVN Awards show. Howard said that he's not going to accept it though. The awards show is by invitation only and Howard said that it would be full of people who are best known for having anal sex. He'll hold out for a real award.

• Various Time Killers. 9/1/99. 7:30am
  Howard spent most of the morning just killing time with various bits, phone calls and discussions. Earlier in the morning he discussed how Jackie's wife Nancy is spending all of his money by recording songs at professional recording studios. Jackie said that she does that because those recording studios sound better than her home recording studio which he also paid for. Howard doesn't understand why Jackie calls his wife his ''partner'' when Jackie is the one making all of the money. Later in the morning Howard played some bits and took some calls from listeners. He told everyone what he thinks about the Hasidic Jewish guy who was shot 20 times by the cops in New York City this week. He said people have been asking him what his thoughts were so he basically defended the cops saying that the guy was hitting one cop with a hammer and the other cops reacted to that and shot him. A couple of callers couldn't believe that Howard would defend the cops in this case. One woman said that there was not reason for them to ''overkill'' the guy. She thinks that the cops are trained to take the guy down without killing him. Howard disagreed and said that they're trained to kill in a situation like that. Later Howard played tape of an old TV movie with Shawn Cassidy and Linda Pearl playing retards. Howard then started talking about how he could make a movie where he plays a retard. He created the movie as he listened to the clips of the Shawn Cassidy movie.

• ''Father Knows Best'' Star Billy Gray Calls In. 9/1/99. 8:30am
  After Howard replayed Gary Garver's interview with Billy Gray yesterday he told Gary to get him as a guest. The interview was so interesting to Howard that he had to speak to Billy. Billy played Bud on the ''Father Knows Best'' TV series. He's been on Howard's show in the past but not for a while. Howard was fascinated in some of the answers Billy gave to Gary Garver about homosexual acts and stuff so that's what they talked about today. The first thing Billy brought up was the fact that he's invented a new type of guitar pick. He said it has a groove in it so it won't slip out of your fingers. He plugged the web site f1pick.com over and over throughout the interview. In the Gary Garver interview Billy said that he would perform a homosexual act for $1 million so Howard asked him if he's gay. Billy said no but he was molested as a child and has had fellatio performed on him. He said he'd never perform it on another man but didn't seem to have a problem with it being performed on him. Billy said that he was molested 2 or 3 times while living in Los Angeles as a child. One time it was on a street car and another was when he was hitchhiking. He also remembered a time when a group of kids did a ''you show me yours, I'll show you mine'' type of thing to him. Howard said they shouldn't have named him ''Bud'' on the show, they should have named him ''Butt.'' Billy is 62 now and Howard said his voice hasn't changed all that much since he was a kid. Billy told Howard that he hasn't had to work since ''Father Knows Best'' because he was able to make some good investments with the money he made on the show. He said he lucked out.

  ---

  -- Thursday September 2, 1999 --

• Porno Of The Month Club Begins. 9/2/99. 6:45am
  Howard has started his Porno of the Month Club. This morning he announced the first movie that they'll be talking about next week. That movie is ''Seven Deadly Sins'' starring Janine Lindemulder and Michael J. Cox. Howard got his inspiration from Oprah Winfrey's ''Book of the Month Club'' and changed it to porno movies. The idea is that the fans will buy or rent the movie and when Howard has Janine in to interview her, the listeners will know something about the movie. Janine will be on the show sometime next week. Howard said that the problem with the movie is that the staff can only watch it for a minute before they go pleasure themselves.

• Benjy Offers To Save A Life For Sex. 9/2/99. 6:50am
  This morning big fat Benjy announced that he's willing to donate his bone marrow to any female listener who's suffering from cancer. In return that person will have sex with Benjy. Benjy said that he hasn't made up his mind as to exactly how much sex it will involve but it may be up to a year's worth! He also said that if a woman has a child who needs bone marrow he'd be willing to sleep with the mother and give the child the marrow. One listener called in and warned Benjy that donating bone marrow is one of the most painful things he could do. It was also suggested that Benjy just lose some weight to get women instead of suffering through a painful experience like that. Benjy said it's also to save someone's life and he'd like to do that. If you're interested just give the show a call. Check MarksFriggin.com Phone Book for the numbers.

• Solitaire Shows Off Her New Breasts. 9/2/99. 7:20am
  Solitaire the sex slave came in back in April when Howard smeared mayonnaise on her ass and threw bologna at it. She did that to get breast implants and some liposuction. Today she came in to show off her new look. Howard was surprised at how good she looked. She has big breasts, nice ass and a flat stomach now. Howard heard that Solitaire pretty much fell in love with Dr. Sal Calabro when she met him. Solitaire said that she would be Dr. Calabro's sex slave if he wanted her. She told Howard that she was upset that Dr. C. wasn't there this morning but Howard surprised her when he had Dr. Calabro come in. Dr. Calabro is flattered that she likes him so much but he's married and can't do anything with her. He told Howard that the first day he met her he was marking her for where they'd perform the plastic surgery. She grabbed him in a head lock and kissed his head all over. He said he was wiping lipstick from his ears three days later. Dr. Calabro said that his wife is jealous. Dr. Calabro told Howard that Solitaire once weighed 197 pounds but after he removed about a gallon and a half of fat she's much thinner now. You can see the before and after pictures for yourself over at salcalabro.com.

• Trouble Peeing? Join The Crowd. 9/2/99. 7:50am
  Howard read an article about men who have problems peeing in public restrooms. That led Howard saying that he has that problem. His buddy Ralph quickly called in and said he has the same problem. Howard's problem is that he doesn't like to show his penis in public. Ralph said it's got something to do with performance and he's afraid that he won't be able to go if someone is waiting to use the urinal after him. He said that he uses a stall even if he just has to take a leak. Then General Manager Tom Chiusano came in and said his problem was so bad that he had a problem with his kidney when he was only 14 years old. He used to hold it in so long that it messed up his kidney. He told Howard that he doesn't have the problem anymore. Ralph said he's better than he used to be but still has a problem unless he's drunk. If he's drunk he can go anywhere. Somehow this conversation turned to KC's arousal problems. For those of you who don't know, 24 year old KC has had a few problems ''getting it up'' during his adult life and Howard seems to bring it up pretty often. KC doesn't see it as a problem but Howard thinks that it is. Howard said he's never had a problem getting aroused for a woman. KC, at only 24, has had problems more than a few times. Howard spent a little while trying to diagnose KC's problem but it still remains a mystery.

• Harold Deal - Struck By Lightning. 9/2/99. 8:50am
  This guy Harold Deal called in to tell Howard the story of how his life was changed after being struck by lighting. Surprisingly he didn't have anything to plug or promote. He was just calling in to spread the word that people who are struck by lightning do have others who understand what they're going through. Harold was struck by lightning back in 1969 when he was 31 years old. Harold told Howard that he was just coming home at around 9:10pm during a thunderstorm. He got out of his truck and 3 or 4 steps later he was hit in the back of the head by a bolt of lightning. He was knocked unconscious and wasn't found for about 7 hours. He said that his army boots were literally blown off his feet and two holes were blown into the ground. He said one hole was 19 inches deep and the other was 23 inches. They didn't find the remains of his boots. Harold said he doesn't remember much other than feeling like his head was being sucked into his shoulders and feeling pins and needles throughout his body. As a result of the strike, he can no longer feel heat or pain. He's also unable to taste or smell anything. He also lost all of his dental fillings and the change in his pocket was melted into one piece. He said he can go outside in extreme cold and not feel a thing. He said he was out on a frozen lake in -54 degree weather for 5 hours and didn't feel it. Harold now says that he's thankful he was hit. For the first 22 years it was hard to take but ''the lord'' stepped in and directed him to become a minister. He now preaches to prisoners down in South Carolina. After his strike his wife left him and one of his kids died. Harold thinks that his son was affected by the lightning strike.. not physically but mentally and died as a result of that. Harold is a member of a support group for lightning strike victims and electrical shock victims. He didn't give the name of the group though. Howard was going to take some phone calls for Harold but the first caller was a goof who said he was struck by a meteorite and now has blue balls. Howard didn't want anyone goofing on Harold so he stopped the calls right there. After ending the phone call Howard related to Harold by saying that he was once struck by rain and his hair frizzed.. Oh, the horror.

• Howard Rejecting AVN Special Achievement Award. 9/2/99. 9:45am
  Yesterday Howard said that he was offered an award from the head of the Adult Video News, Paul Fishbine. Today Paul called in and Howard officially turned it down. Howard said it's like a friend giving him an award, not like getting something from a legitimate source. At one point Howard thought of doing a broadcast from the AVN awards in Las Vegas but quickly brushed that aside. He also thought of sending someone to accept the award for him but didn't follow through on that one either. Howard wondered what it would be like to accept the award so he turned on some echo and pretended to accept the award. He also had tape of Christy Canyons accepting her award but the part he wanted to hear wasn't there. She started to cry at one point and they didn't have that part.

  ---

  -- Friday September 3, 1999 --

• Howard's Tribute To Jerry Lewis. 9/3/99. 6:40am
  Howard spent about 45 minutes playing various tapes of Jerry Lewis doing different things first thing this morning. This weekend is the Jerry Lewis telethon and Howard wanted to do a tribute to him. Howard said he likes watching the telethon each year to see how self absorbed Jerry is. Howard played tape of Jerry talking about his addiction to Percadan and other things. Melrose Larry Green even called in with some funny Jerry Lewis tape from Larry King Live. After the Jerry Lewis tribute Howard played some tape of Governor Jesse Ventura. He said that Ventura is just as taken with himself as Jerry Lewis is. Ventura made some really dumb comments on the tape and Howard said he's like the next Dan Quayle.

• The C-Cup Chick. 9/3/99. 7:30am
  This 33 year old woman called in and told Howard some wacky story about how she and her friends were talking about the size of their breasts and her size is in question. She swears that she's a C-cup and her friends don't believe her. She told Howard that she's willing to come on the show and have someone measure exactly what cup size she is on the air. She said she would like a bra maker to do the measuring. Howard must have thought it was a pretty good idea because he told her to hold on so someone could set her up for the show.

• Why Isn't Howard On In Atlanta? 9/3/99. 8:05am
  A listener called in this morning and asked Howard why he's not on down in Atlanta, Georgia. There have been rumors lately about a station down there getting ready to sign Howard but from his reaction this morning the rumors must be false. Howard said that no stations down there want him on and even though Infinity Broadcasting (Howard's parent company) owns stations down there, they don't put him on. They claim that the stations they own down there are doing just fine and they don't need to put him on. The caller said that he heard a rumor that when Infinity bought the stations in Atlanta they promised Jesse Helmes that they wouldn't put Howard on the stations. Howard doesn't know if that's true or not but it's a possibility. The caller also asked why Howard's show isn't broadcast on the web. Howard again said that he gets paid for syndicating his show so why would he allow it to be broadcast on the web for free. That would piss off his affiliates who have to pay for it and Howard wouldn't make money. Howard said that he has a couple of new markets coming up but didn't mention which cities they are.

• The Mike Walker Gossip Game With Guest Frank Gifford!? 9/3/99. 8:50am
  You're probably saying to yourself ''Frank Gifford was on Howard's show after everything Howard's said about him and his wife?'' Well, it wasn't the real Frank Gifford, it was an impersonator. Howard said that the guy didn't look like Frank or sound like him. It was just a goof. The guy cracked a bunch of funny one-liners during the segment about Kathie Lee and her ''gunny sack'' breasts and other things. After a few minutes of joking around Howard got Mike Walker on the phone. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
  1. While Mini Driver and her boyfriend Josh Brolin were walking on the beach he found what looked like a piece of black coral. He picked it up and gave it to Mini. She pushed it away telling him to get it away from her. It turns out it was a piece of half dried coal tar.
  2. John Travolta's neighbors are sick of him buzzing their homes in his own airplane up in Maine so they rented out their own plane to buzz his home with a banner saying ''Buzz Off John.''
  3. 5 foot 9 inch tall Jean Claude Van Damme didn't want to stand next to the 6 foot 5 inch tall ''The Late Late Show'' host Craig Kilborne so he requested he start the interview sitting down. Kilborne refused and Van Damme caved in and stood next to him.
  4. While President Clinton was up in Martha's Vinyard he thought there were no photographers around so he pulled out a cigar and put it in his mouth. When he noticed a news camera on him he flung the cigar away so there wouldn't be any Monica Lewinsky jokes about him.
  Phony Frank, Jackie and Fred all picked number 4 as the false story. Robin picked number 1 and Howard picked number 2. The actual false story was number one. Robin was the only one who got the answer correct. Mike has a new syndicated TV show starting up on September 13 called ''National Enquirer TV.'' Howard spent a few more minutes with the phony Frank Gifford before ending the segment.

• Free Porno Passwords? 9/3/99. 9:20am
  A wacky listener called in this morning and tried to explain to Howard how to get free access to 250 porn sites. His explanation was so bizarre that Howard could hardly understand what the hell he was talking about. The guy said something about Jesus.com and clicking on the first mirror site... Like Howard would understand what he was talking about. Howard doesn't know why these callers can't get out what they want to say. He just thanked the guy and moved on to the next call. Thanks to some alert fans out there I later found out the guy was talking about www.passwordsbyjesus.com