Howard Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 2/22/99 to 2/26/99

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-- Monday February 22, 1999 --
• Gene Siskel, Monster Trucks And Wrestling. 2/22/99. 6:10am
  Howard started off the morning talking about how movie critic Gene Siskel died over the weekend. Siskel was a frequent guest on the show and even gave a ''Thumb's Up'' for Howard's ''Private Parts'' movie 2 years back. Howard said that it just proves how much life really does suck when a 53 year old dies from complications of brain cancer. Howard spent some of the morning talking to Gary about his adventure in driving the Grave Digger monster truck on Saturday night. Gary actually got to drive the truck over some cars by himself. He said they had him in a neck brace, helmet and strapped him in all over the place. Howard had tape of it that he watched and said it didn't look like the truck is that big. Gary said it was huge and it is possible to flip the truck right over. Howard found that hard to believe. One listener called in and asked Gary if he used his lips as air bags. Another one asked him how he got those big lips inside a helmet. Gary wasn't amused by the questions. Howard and the gang also ended up talking about wresting for a little while before Stone Cold Steve Austin came in. Howard said that he doesn't usually let wrestlers come in because they're usually just yelling about nonsense. Stone Cold must be a different story.

• Wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin Comes In. 2/22/99. 7:00am
  WWF wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin came in to promote a couple of things this morning. Steve will be appearing in this week's episode of ''Nash Bridges'' with Don Johnson, Cheech Marin and Yasmeen Bleeth. He was also promoting Wrestle Mania 15 which will air March 28 on Pay-Per-View. Howard found out that Steve is about to get a divorce from his wife. His wife just decided this about a month ago. Steve said that his hectic schedule of being on the road for about 200 days a year is what did in the marriage. This is his second marriage. He said that his first marriage was to a high school sweetheart and it just didn't work out. Now this one has failed but he's looking forward to all of the women he'll be able to date now that he's become so famous in the WWF Wrestling world. When Howard asked Steve about using steroids he said that in his younger days he did but now he's gotten smarter and stopped. Plus, he said that the WWF has strict rules against using stuff like that. Steve said that he's making well over $2 Million a year in the business. Steve's Public Relations person, Marisa, was with him and Gary told Howard she was pretty hot looking so Howard had her come in. It turns out that Marisa is married to Shane McMahon, the son of the guy who runs the WWF, Vince McMahon. Howard spoke to her a little bit and found out that she was a neighbor of the McMahon's and that's how she met her husband. Howard took a bunch of phone calls for Steve before he left. There were a couple of nuts on the phone. One woman went nuts when she got on the air. She was yelling and screaming about how great Steve is. Fred the Elephant Boy also called in. Fred is a huge wrestling fan and even knows Steve. Fred says that Steve is his favorite wrestler. Fred hangs around with these wrestlers all the time. Howard told Steve that Fred goes both ways and wondered if he hangs out in the locker room watching the guys get dressed or not. Elephant Boy denied that he goes both ways anymore. There were a few guys who showed up at the station to meet Steve so Howard brought them into the studio to introduce them. The first guy was like a 15 year old kid. He was really nervous and hardly looked at Stone Cold Steve. He's a huge fan but he was stumped when he met the guy. The second guy was an 33 year old who didn't have much to say other than he wanted to meet both Steve and Howard. The last guy was an 18 year old who wants to become a wrestler himself. He said that he's going to some wrestling school to learn the ropes. Howard had him take off his shirt to show off his wrestler's body but it turned out to be just fat. Howard said the guy had very feminine breasts. Steve told the guy he could use some time in the gym to get in shape. Steve said that he'll be doing the Regis and Kathie Lee show today then he'll be heading back to San Antonio, TX to grab some more of his stuff from his house before he gets divorced.

• Black Jeopardy. 2/22/99. 7:55am
  To celebrate Black History Month Howard held a game of ''Black Jeopardy'' this morning. The contestants were Angry Black, Big Black and King of all Blacks. Angry Black is a guy who's been on a few times in the past. He wanted to fight with Chuck Zito at one time but when he saw the size of Chuck he backed off a bit. He also yells about how lazy Big Black is because he hasn't worked in over 2 years. Shelly..I mean Angry Black didn't hesitate to say that Big Black is a ''Lazy, shiftless-assed, nigga'' this morning. All three of the guys were arguing with each other through the whole segment. Both Angry and King of all Blacks agreed that Big Black stunk this morning. They weren't quite sure where the smell was coming from though. Big Black tried to defend himself by saying that the white man is holding him back from getting a job. Angry Black told him that it's just a lame excuse and that he shouldn't let anyone hold him back. Eventually Howard moved it along to play the game. They had 5 categories of
  • Black Films
  • Black Spelling
  • Hollywood Black Folks
  • Crazy M-F'rs
  • Potpourri
  Each category had 5 questions which ranged from $100 to $500. Howard rushed through the game so the pace was very quick. It was pretty much impossible for me to keep up with each and every question. Each answer had to be answered with a question like ''What am'' or ''What be.'' By the time Final Jeopardy rolled around it was Angry Black in the lead with $2200, Big Black with $1700 and KoaBlacks with $1400. The final jeopardy category was ''Yiddish Sayings.'' Everyone placed their bets and Robin made sure to tell everyone to write in ''What am'' or ''What be'' before they wrote out their answers. The final answer was ''It am be the German or Yiddish word for colored folk.'' King of all Blacks gave the correct answer of ''What be schwartza'' (Spelling is probably wrong on my part). He only bet $100 so he was up to $1500. Big Black somehow forgot to write the thing down in question form so he ended up losing all of his $1700 that he wagered. Angry Black gave the correct answer, or question.. and wagered $700 which brought him up to $2900. Howard couldn't believe that Big Black lost that way. He would have won if he'd just answered in question form! He said he was nervous and distracted by everything that was going on. After the game the arguing went on and on between all three of the guys. They yelled about each other's jobs and cars. Howard also took a bunch of angry phone calls from listeners. It was all pretty funny though. Eventually Angry Black wanted to know what he won. Gary hadn't planned much so he gave him a choice of a bunch of crap. Angry settled on a watch from Steven Singer Jewelers.

• Authors Of ''Is He Cheating?'' Call In. 2/22/99. 8:55am
  Ferne Simone and Sammi Sheen, authors of ''Is He Cheating?'', called in to talk about their book. Before putting them on the phone Howard spoke to Robin Radzinski from the E! show. She had her own story of being cheated on by a boyfriend. She told the story of how this guy cheated on her with an ex-girlfriend who ''stayed in the picture'' while they were dating. After that Howard put the two female authors of ''Is He Cheating?'' on the phone. They told Howard how a woman can find out if her man is cheating on her by doing things like intercepting his beeper's beeps. They said that women could buy an identical beeper to their mate's and find out who's calling him by switching them when he's not paying attention. That's just one of their many techniques. They also said that they have a questionnaire in the book to figure out whether or not the guy may be cheating. They said that if you can answer yes to 3 or more of the questions then he may be cheating. Here are a few of the clues:
  • Is he coming home late?
  • Does he have more pride in his appearance all of a sudden?
  • Does he pick fights and storm out of the house?
  • Is there a suspicious key on his key ring?
  They also suggested that you keep an eye on the amount of clothing he leaves the house with. The women suggested that if a man just tells the truth to their woman, the woman should understand and forgive the guy if he does cheat. These two women said that they're still in their first marriages and haven't found any evidence of their men cheating on them. They even suggested that women go through their man's pockets and wallet to find evidence. They did warn that the woman should have evidence of cheating before confronting their man about it. All of this stuff was pissing off a lot of male listeners. Guys were calling in saying that this book would just cause a lot of paranoia among women and that if their women switched beepers on them, they'd leave the woman. At one point bloated attorney Dominic Barbara called in with some other ways to catch a guy cheating. He suggested that the woman get a printout of the phone bill. If she gets a lot of hang ups she should install a secret phone caller ID box. He also said that she could check his credit card bill and stuff like that. The authors said they have all of those suggestions in their book. Gary came in and said a friend of his figured out his woman was cheating by putting tape on the passenger door to see if it was opened while he was at work. This book is probably good for both women and men. The guys could read it to figure out ways around getting caught. The book is only like $5 at Amazon.com so it won't break the bank. You can also check out the web site for the book at www.ishecheating.com.

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  -- Tuesday February 23, 1999 --

• More Cheating Advice. 2/23/99. 6:35am
  Yesterday these two women were on the show promoting their book ''Is He Cheating?'' They gave advice on how women can catch their men cheating on them. Well this morning there were a bunch of guys calling in giving their own advice for NOT getting caught. One guy suggested that you get a beeper with voice mail instead of a numeric pager. That way you just call in with your PIN number and get the messages yourself instead of letting your wife intercept your beeps. One woman called in and said that was a good idea because she's experienced it while cheating with a married man and it worked. Another guy said that cheating on his wife actually made his marriage better because he's not bored with just one woman anymore. One guy from New York City said that the best women to cheat with are married Russian women. He said he gets laid all the time and they don't tell anyone about it. He said he gives his women specific codes for his beeper that only he knows. If his wife sees the codes, she doesn't know where they're coming from. If you have cheating advice for Stern fans just call 800-44-STERN and let Howard know.

• HollyWeird Squares. 2/23/99. 7:50am
  Wow! Two game shows in two days. Today Howard had Tom Bergeron from ''The New Hollywood Squares'' TV show play ''HollyWeird Squares'' against frequent guest, Slow Adam. Howard said they had Tom booked for the show and didn't know what to do with him so they set up this game. Howard spoke to him for a couple of minutes then moved on to the big game. They had 9 guests stars to play the game and here's how they lined them up in the squares:

  HollyWeird Squares
  Crackhead Bob	Gary The Retard	Craig Schumacher
  Wood Yee	Daniel Carver	High Pitched Eric Nicole Bass
  Joe Cancer	Elephant Boy	Angry Black

  Obviously most of the guests are regular wack pack members or KKK members. Craig Schumacher is the comedian who used to be on the Magic Hour show with Magic Johnson. Savannah from Scores was putting the X's and O's on each square after each question. She was in a bikini for the event. They flipped a coin to figure out who would go first and Slow Adam won the toss so he went first. Adam was the X player and Tom Bergeron was the O player. The questions were pretty much all serious questions. Tom and Adam just had to agree or disagree with the celebrity answer. If they got it correct they'd get the X or the O. Through the whole thing Angry Black was yelling at Daniel Carver the KKK guy. The questions didn't stump anyone until they got around to Gary the Retard and Crackhead Bob. Gary the 'tard would just yell out ''I don't know'' when Howard would ask the question. Howard ended up asking him 4 questions before finding one that he could answer. That was ''How many tongues do you have?'' He answered it correctly. Crackhead Bob answered his second question of ''How many days are in February?'' with the number ''Three.'' At least he answered it! After all was said and done here's how the X's and O's were laid out:

  HollyWeird Squares
  Crackhead Bob O	Gary The Retard X	Craig Schumacher O
  Wood Yee X	Daniel Carver O	High Pitched Eric Nicole Bass X
  Joe Cancer X	Elephant Boy O	Angry Black X

  Slow Adam came in with the win because he had 5 of the 9 squares. They then did a bonus question with Angry Black for Slow Adam to win a watch from Steve Singer Jewelers worth $1200. Adam almost lost the game but everyone told him to change his answer so he could win. The question was something like ''In the 1950's a black boy by the name of Emit Till was lynched for which of the following: Smiling at a woman, Raping a woman or Whistling at a woman?'' Angry Black said ''Smiling'' and Adam agreed with him. Everyone told Adam to change the answer he gave so he did. The correct answer was ''Whistling at a woman.'' After the game Howard went through each person so they could give out their plugs or shout-out's. Craig Schumacher has his own web site at www.craigschumacher.com, Crackhead Bob and Fred the Elephant Boy's appearance schedule can be found at www.pegasusconcerts.com. Nicole Bass has her own web site at www.nicolebass.com. Savannah from Scores plugged the video tape ''Playboy - Playboy's Girls of Scores'' which she appears nude in. Daniel Carver plugged his $3, 60 page KKK catalog(address available here). Angry Black gave some shouts out to his friends. Gary came in at one point and told Howard that there was a weird situation going on with Angry Black. He said that Angry was out at a strip club last night and told a stripper by the name of Pauline that he was going to be on the show today. He brought her along and told her she'd get on the show. She ended up hanging out in the green room making out with all of the cameramen! Eventually Howard had Gary bring her in to sit with Angry Black. Howard took a look at her real quick but didn't make too much of a big deal out of it.

• Howard's Tribute To Gene Siskel. 2/23/99. 8:55am
  Movie critic Gene Siskel died over the weekend and Howard said he was pretty upset over it. Siskel and Ebert were frequent guests on the show so Gary pulled some tape for Howard to play. He had them arguing with each other and talking behind each other's backs. Great tapes. After Howard played a few minutes of tape he moved on to some other stories he wanted to talk about. A dopey listener thought that Siskel and Ebert were actually on the show today so he called in to ask them a question. The guy was clueless that Siskel is dead. He told Howard to ask them ''in what year was the Robin William's movie 'Popeye' made?'' Howard had Fred and Jackie pretend to be Siskel and Ebert for a few seconds but the guy wasn't buying it. After a minute or so Howard broke the news to the guy and asked him if he's been in a coma or something. Needless to say Howard hung up on the guy.

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  -- Wednesday February 24, 1999 --

• One Phony Phone Call After Another. 2/24/99. 6:10am
  First thing this morning Howard took a phone call from 2 brothers who claimed that they'd just killed their mother by smashing her head in with a brick. Howard was actually believing their story at certain points but when they started asking him to fly them in to have them on the show it became obvious it was a phony phone call. Howard was going to fly them in because the call was pretty funny but they gave it away that it was all a joke. A short time later Howard took another call from a guy claiming that he works at a zoo that just had a Panda bear that just gave birth to a 2 headed baby. This guy's story was believable enough for Stuttering John to rush him on the air. John thought the story sounded pretty legitimate but, of course, it was another phony phone call. Howard and the gang had to goof on him for being so gullible. John is the one who usually screens the phone calls coming in to the show. He said he can't weed out all of the phony calls. Then, a woman called in claiming that her water had just broken and she was about to give birth. When she started to plug her husband's limo service, Howard figured it was yet another phony call. Even later in the show a guy claiming that he slept with his two step-sisters also turned out to be a phony phone call. Way to screen those calls John! Big fan, big fan!

• Jen & Sarah, 2 Hot Chicks. 2/24/99. 7:30am
  These two women, Sarah and Jen, called in recently and told Howard that they can't walk down the street without being bothered because they're so hot looking. Earlier in the morning Howard said Gary told him they weren't as hot as they claimed to be. When they came into the studio Howard said that both Gary and KC were nuts. These girls were really cute according to Howard. One was wearing a tube top showing off her natural C-cup breasts. Howard couldn't believe that Gary and KC said that they weren't hot looking women. Howard thinks that KC may really be gay. Howard said it looked like he had Uma Thurman and Cameron Diaz standing in his studio. I think it was Sarah who offered to show Howard her breasts but she didn't want them on camera. She walked over to him and showed him up close. Howard just said ''WOW! Perfect!'' when he saw them. He said that they sent a camera out with them yesterday and even while they were wearing winter jackets they were being approached by guys. So maybe they are that hot. One listener called in and said ''KC makes Ralph look like Warren Beatty all of sudden.'' Howard asked KC if he'd sleep with either of the 21 year olds and he just said no. He told them it wasn't them, it's his taste in women. Howard asked the girls if they had any brothers available for KC. No luck. After the girls left Captain Janks called and suggested that they hook KC up to a lie detector to find out the truth. Howard said that was a great idea so maybe that will happen.

• The Savannah Question Game. 2/24/99. 8:15am
  Since Savannah from Scores was hanging around yesterday after the big HollyWeird Squares game Stuttering John did the homeless game with her. He asked her a bunch of general knowledge questions to find out just how smart she is. Howard got a guy on the phone to play for a couple of prizes. The guy had to get 3 out of 5 questions correct to win a CDnow.com gift certificate, a mattress from Dial-A-Mattress and 56k Modem. Not too bad for a simple game. His 5 questions are below:
  

  Question	Caller Says	Savannah Answer	Correct Answer?
  How long do we elect the President for?	Y	Four years	Y
  Who is the Vice President of the U.S.?	Y	Al Gore	Y
  What country did we fight in the Revolutionary war?	Y	France	N
  How many stripes are on our flag?	N	Thirteen	Y
  What does I.R.S. Stand for?	Y	Internal Revenue Service	Y

  The guy got the 3 out of 5 and won the prizes. Howard had 30 more questions ready to go so he and the rest of the gang bet some money on them. Savannah was hard to figure out so there was a lot of upsets as far as the betting.
  

  Question	Savannah Answer	Correct?
  Who is the governor of New York	Patacki	Y
  Name 2 countries we fought in WW II	France and Germany	N
  What does CIA stand for?	Certified, civil.. I don't know	N
  What does UFO stand for?	Unidentified Flying Object	Y
  How many pints are in a quart?	Twelve	N
  What president's picture is on the 5 dollar bill?	Roosevelt	N
  What president's picture is on the 1 dollar bill?	Washington	Y
  What is the capitol of California?	Los Angeles	N
  What is the capitol of New York?	Albany	Y
  What ocean do you put your foot in if you're in New York?	Pacific	N
  Complete this famous line from Shakespeare...''To Be or not..''	To Be	Y
  Who wrote ''Mein Kampf''?	Mark Twain	N
  Who wrote ''Tom Sawyer''?	Samuel Clemmings	Y
  What part of the body does a proctologist work on?	Butt	Y
  How many members are in the senate?	Twelve	N
  How many senators per state?	One	N
  What political party is the President?	Democrat	Y
  Name one Jewish holiday.	Hanukkah	Y
  Who fought the civil war?	North and South	Y
  How many sides does a pentagon have?	Eight, no six	N
  What is the square root of 81?	Nine	Y
  What sport does Wayne Gretsky play?	Football	N
  What sport does Michael Jordan play?	Basketball	Y
  Is Canada north or south of us?	North	Y
  How many wheels are on a tricycle?	Four, no three	Y
  How many donuts are in a baker's dozen?	Thirteen	Y
  Name one poultry	Duck	Y
  How many feet are in a yard?	Twelve	N
  How many inches are in a foot?	Twelve, no nine	N
  Who is the President of the U.S.?	Bill Clinton	Y

  Jackie was the big loser today. He lost more than $100 overall. The reason for that is because Stuttering John asked so many damn questions. Even Howard was wondering when it would end.

• Dana Plato's Girlfriend Calls In. 2/24/99. 9:15am
  Earlier in the morning some guy called in to tell Howard that he'd seen Dana Plato hanging out in New York about a week and a half ago. Yesterday Robin read a story about how the former co-star of the 1970's hit show ''Diff'rent Strokes'' has vanished and her girlfriend Jennifer has been looking for her. The girlfriend called in this morning and said that she is looking for Dana and if anyone sees her they should call her. She didn't give out a number but if you do see her maybe you should call Howard and let them forward the info to Jennifer. Dana left her son behind when she disappeared. Howard didn't spend a lot of time with the woman on the phone but it did sound like it was actually her.

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  -- Thursday February 25, 1999 --

• Kyle The Intern's Homosexual Close Call. 2/25/99. 6:35am
  Howard had Kyle the intern come into the studio to talk about his new shocking blonde hair style this morning. Howard said he usually just walks right by the interns in the morning but today he had to stop and check out Kyle because of his hair color. Kyle explained that he's wanted to get it colored since he came down from Canada. He also explained how his male hair stylist came on to him while he was getting his hair done. The guy turned out to be the owner of the place that he had his hair done. Kyle said that he told the guy he was straight but the guy told him he should come and live with him for free. I guess the guy wanted a boy toy of his own. Kyle then said that the guy invited him to come over to his house for a party or something and he agreed because the guy would lower the price of his hair coloring. He ended up going to the guy's house 2 nights in a row and was even involved in a game of spin-the-bottle with a bunch of people. He said that not all of them were gay and he got to kiss some married woman. He did have one gay guy coming on to him and grabbing his ass but he said he pushed him away a bunch of times. The guys in the studio all agreed that if some guy came on to them that aggressively, they'd leave the party. KC came in at one point and said that Kyle went to a bar with him one night and wore eye glitter. Very gay thing to do. Kyle said he thought it was just the thing to do in New York City. Howard said that a lot of people at the station think that Kyle is from a small town up in Canada and he's just ''dipping his foot in the water'' to see what happens. Kyle said that's not true, he's straight and the eye glitter was put on him by a woman.

• Sam Kinison From Hell. 2/25/99. 7:05am
  After a long absence from the show the late Sam Kinison was able to make a phone call from Hell to talk to his old buddy Howard. Sam hasn't called in from hell in quite some time so it was nice to hear his voice again. Sam reminded Howard that he was in a car accident and died years ago. Sam told Howard that movie reviewer Gene Siskel just arrived down there and Chris Farley was already fighting with him about his review of Chris' ''Beverly Hills Ninja'' movie. Sam thought now that Gene only has half a brain that maybe he'd enjoy that movie. Sam also said that when Frank Sinatra got down there he was upset, not because he was in hell but, because he thought he was back in Hoboken, New Jersey. Howard wanted to get some inside info about the death pool they have going on the show. He wanted to know which celebrity on the list will be next to die. Sam told them that Bob Hope is scheduled to go on April 29. Then Sam asked Jackie to do him a favor by slipping some cocaine in Bob's pocket so he can smuggle it down to hell when he does die. After a short 5 minute call Sam was interrupted and said he had go and give Jon Benet a ride to school. He went out yelling ''The Dice man still sucks!'' Later in the show Howard replayed the phone call. The amazing Sam Kinison voice impersonation is done by comedian Craig Gass.

• Reviewing The Horrible Grammy Awards Show. 2/25/99. 7:55am
  Howard and Robin spent about a half hour going over how bad last night's Grammy Awards show was. Robin had some tape pulled for Howard to play. He played some of Rosie O'Donnell's horrible monolog and Madonna's awful song that she performed. Howard also played tape of Wil Smith boring the audience and Lauren Hill preaching to the audience. Howard did say that he enjoyed seeing Shirley Manson from Garbage sitting in the audience with her breast just about hanging out of her dress. The rest of the show was just boring though.

• Actor Steven Weber Calls In. 2/25/99. 8:35am
  Actor Steven Weber called in with a review of Fred's performance in a new movie he just saw. Weber was one of the brothers on the NBC TV show ''Wings'' for a few years. Howard said that Steven's also been in a couple of movies like ''Sour Grapes'', ''Jeffrey'' and ''Single White Female.'' Weber said that he's a big fan of the show and he just wanted to tell Howard how great Fred's performance was in the new movie ''Cruel Intentions'' starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. This surprised Howard because Fred never mentioned that he's in the movie! Fred explained that he's only in it for about 30 seconds so he didn't think it was that big of a deal. Fred plays the part of a meter maid(Meter-person) who yells at one of the characters. Howard said that they've mentioned the movie during the show a couple of times and you'd think Fred would say something but he never does. Weber's call may have seemed like it wasn't that big of a deal but who would have known Fred's in the movie if he hadn't called in? ''Cruel Intentions'' opens March 5.

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  -- Friday February 26, 1999 --

• Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 6-7am
  Gary the Retard's birthday is tomorrow so Howard held a big birthday bash for him with celebrities and celebrity impersonators. Howard started off the birthday show around 6:15. The studio was decorated like a Chuck-E-Cheese kids restaurant with balloons all over the place. Howard said it looks like a ''cross between Caligula and Chuck-E-Cheese.'' Yesterday Gary the 'tard got to go to Scores and they captured some of that on tape. Howard played a little bit of it and it sounded like Gary was having a hell of a time there. He had lap dances and even got spanked with his own belt. Howard then brought in the first guest, Jackie Chan (Fred the Elephant Boy). Fred was all made up to look like Jackie but he held his script up in front of him so it didn't work to well. He called Gary ''Numb'a one retard'' and wished him a happy birthday. Next up was Mohammed Ali (Joe Cancer). Mohammed grunted and groaned a little bit and did his short bit for the show. After that it was a phony Jay Leno on the phone. Not much of a script there. Each person only had about 30 seconds to wish Gary a happy birthday. A couple of guys from the Connecticut School of Broadcasting came in and presented Gary with a honorary degree from the school. Next up was Jill from Perfect 10 Magazine who gave Gary some magic beans as a gift. She said they'll do anything he wants them to. President Clinton and Vice President Gore were up next. I don't know who played those two but their scripts were short. Then Anti-Semitic Mickey Mouse (High Pitched Eric) came in to wish Gary a happy. Howard then moved on to hypnotist Dr. King who hypnotized a couple of Perfect 10 girls for Gary. He had them thinking that they had sex with Gary the night before. Dr. King sounded like he was half asleep and like he didn't have a clue what was going on. The girls were to think they were orgasming when Gary would rub his ear but they must have been totally disgusted by him because they didn't play along very well.

• Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 7-8am
  Starting off the second hour of Gary's birthday bash was a mystery phone call. It turned out to be Amanda the retard who went out on a date with Gary a few months back. Gary actually knew who it was when he heard her voice. Amanda has been winning medals in the Special Olympics although she didn't know which events she won them in. Howard said he was taking another mystery phone call but it turned out to be Amanda again. He wanted to make it seem like Gary had dated more than one woman.. Up next was Jackie's wife Nancy and her band ''Scold-eese'' or whatever the hell they call themselves. They performed a birthday song for Gary and plugged an appearance they're making at Crossroads in Hicksville, NY this Saturday night. The next guest was Ted Turner (aka Wood Yi). He had a few lines to read then Howard moved on to Frank Gifford and his son Cody (Slow Adam). I don't know who played Frank but it was pretty funny. He was yelling about how he wants his kid to play sports, not dress up and sing like Kathie Lee wants him to. ''Cody'' sang some of the Star Spangled Banner before the next guest came in. That guest was Norm Zaeda from Perfect 10 Magazine. He spent a few minutes talking to Howard about how he started his magazine then one of the Perfect 10 girls gave Gary a birthday gift. It was a toy police car that made noises. She demonstrated it for Gary and he seemed to enjoy it. Up next were some people from hotjobs.com who presented Gary with a dinner for 4 at Lucky Chans which also included a limo ride. After that John Travolta (Vin the Retard) came in to do a 30 second bit that turned out to be a mess. Then Senator Ted Kennedy (Hank the Angry Dwarf) came in and did his thing for Gary. After Hank came the real Daniel Baldwin who wished Gary a happy b'day. He said that the movie industry was giving everyone in the business 1 minute off today in recognition of Gary's birthday.

• Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 8-9am
  During this hour we had The Pope (Big Foot) call in to mumble some stuff to Gary. You could barely understand a word he said so we'll move on to the Dahli Lama (Fred the Elephant Boy). The Dahli Lama had some advice for Gary on his birthday like ''Take a long walk every day and never work for Tom Chiusano.'' Howard had to interpret all of the Dahli's stuff since he's so hard to understand.

  Up next was Mike Walker who called in to play the gossip game with Gary. Mike calls in each week with 4 gossip stories. 3 of them are from his National Enquirer gossip column and one is false. Here are this week's four stories:

  1. Actor Noah Wiley was given an ultimatum by his girlfriend so he ended up proposing to her on Valentine's day. They'll probably be married before next season's shows are filmed.
  2. Jack Nicolson had to unplug his computer because he said there was just too much porn on the web for him to go through.
  3. Madonna agreed to do a song for Mark Wahlberg's new movie ''The Corruptor'' after seeing his ass in one scene.
  4. Jason Priestley came out of a surf shop to find a woman sleeping in his car. She explained that she was waiting for a bus and got tired. Jason ended up driving her 3 miles to her home.
  Everyone chose number 2 as the false story. They all found out they were wrong when Mike told them the actual false story was number 4.

  Producer Gary Marshall called in to plug his new movie ''The Other Sister'' which, ironically, is about retards! The movie stars Juliet Lewis as a retarded girl and opens today I believe. Gary spent a few minutes talking to Howard about the movie. He said there's no nudity but the subject of sex does come up between the two retards in the movie. Next up was magician Penn Gillete from Penn & Teller. Penn & Teller have their own show on FX each Friday night called ''Penn & Teller's Sin City Spectacular.'' Penn hasn't been on the show in about 8 years and it's probably because of something he did to Gary, not the retard, Baba Booey. Gary told a story of how Penn tickled him until he almost pissed his pants because Gary had played an answering machine message on the air that Penn had left for him. At the time Penn was trying to get a date with Robin and asked for her phone number on the machine. The two of them hugged and made up today. Penn said he didn't remember doing anything like that but took Gary's word for it. After that was out of the way Penn tried to do a card trick with Gary the Retard. It wasn't anything special and Penn was half talking to Howard and doing the trick at the same time. Howard took a break after that intense segment and Blondie came in to perform a song for Gary the 'tard. Blondie has reunited and they have a new album ''No Exit'' out. Howard tried talking to Debra Harry from the band but she wasn't in the mood to talk. Howard brought in a bunch of Scores girls and the Perfect 10 magazine girls to dance during Blondie's performance of their old song ''Rapture.'' Lonnie from Scores also presented the key to Scores to Gary so he can come and party anytime. Blondie will be doing an autograph signing at Strawberry's up in Cambridge, Massachusetts tonight at 6pm.

• Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 9-10am
  The final hour of Gary the Retard's birthday show was jam packed full of guests. A couple of women from Jenny May hair removal came in and gave Gary a free hair removal gift certificate. Captain Janks called in with a special phony phone call he made to C-Span where he wished Gary a happy birthday. Debbie the Queef girl came in and queefed along to the ''Happy Birthday'' song. Everyone sang a line of ''Happy Birthday'' then she'd queef for a few seconds. She wasn't wearing any underwear when she did it so it must have been a hell of a view with her lying on her back. Larry Flynt (Crackhead Bob) made a quick appearance before Anastasia the prostitute came in to give Gary a rub down. Gary didn't want any lotion on his back so Anastasia did it dry. Howard found out that Anastasia sleeps with about 10 guys a day, 5 days a week. She charges around $500 per session and that can go up to $18-20,000 for a weekend in Las Vegas. Expensive screw huh? She said she makes it all worth it though. She started screwing guys for money when she was 19 and she's now 25. She's hoping her musical career takes off soon so she won't have to keep doing guys for money. The next guest to call in was comedian Howie Mandel (the real one). Howie wished Gary a happy birthday and promoted his syndicated TV show. Howie said that until a few moments before getting on the air he thought it was Gary the producer's birthday, not Gary the Retard. He thought they were one in the same. He told Howard about how last week while taping his show in Hawaii, his guest Charro ended up flashing a bit of her vagina on camera. He said she wasn't wearing any underwear and a gust of wind blew her skirt up. Some kids sitting in the front row caught a glimpse of her vagina. Howie said he missed it but was shown tape of it afterward. After Howie's call Howard brought in Kenneth Keith Kallenbach. Kenneth Keith has a new hair cut and a new head shot.. which he shoved in his mouth and started to eat. Kenneth Keith said he may be on www.play-live.com tonight at 5pm having live sex but he's not sure about that. He said he may just do a chat session. After Kenneth Keith Howard brought in crazy Croy the old woman who thinks that President Ronald Reagan stole some blueprints from her years ago. She rambled on and on for a few minutes about that nonsense before Howard moved on to Hank the Dwarf and Slow Adam. Howard was just bringing in the crew to thank them for showing up at that time. Then Sal the Stockbroker came in and goofed on Gary for a few minutes. He thinks that producer Gary lost 30 pounds because of his constant goofing. He wanted Gary to thank him for motivating him to do it. Sal also wished Gary the Retard a happy birthday and said that it was nice to meet the writer of Jackie the JokeMan's comedy CD's. After Sal ripped on Gary Howard brought in the rest of the nuts and said a quick thank you to them. High Pitched Eric, Elephant Boy, Vin the Retard, Debbie the queef girl, Joe Cancer and Crackhead Bob all came in and said their good bye's. One other sponsor also came in from the Davidsohn group. He gave Gary the Retard a Howard Stern Yarmulke as a gift.