Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 8/24/98 to 8/28/98

---

-- Friday August 28, 1998 --
• The Best Of Stern. 8/28/98.
  Howard flew out to Los Angeles for some reason this weekend so we were stuck with
  • Best Of material today. Here are the featured bits:
  • Jerky Boys phony phone call.
  • Howard complains about his mother in-law being nosey and annoying.
  • Jerry Seinfeld calls in to plug his tv show.
  • Sports announcer Al Michaels comes in and talks about O.J. Simpson.
  • Howard goofs on a guy who calls in wasted.
  • Elephant Boy and Captain Janks talk about their fight.
  • Captain Janks phony phone calls to Mother Angelica and Hulk Hogan.
  • Howard discusses Mike Gange's(the human tripod) job as a cameraman.

  ---

  -- Thursday August 27, 1998 (Played on Master Tape Theatre on June 28, 2009 and December 12, 2010) --

• Who's The Real Penis Knieval? 8/27/98. 6:25am
  This guy calling himself Penis Knieval came in this morning. He claims that he can stun gun his genitals to demonstrate this weapon. Howard said that the guy was going to do this in the studio but General Manager Tom Chiusano said that he wasn't allowed to do it. Howard was pissed but couldn't do anything about it. He talked with the guy for a few minutes then announced that there was another guy who calls himself Penis Knieval. The second guy claims that he can put metal rods through his penis. Of course Tom wouldn't allow this act either. The two Knieval's goofed on each other for a while before Howard had to put an end to the segment. Penis Knieval number one said that he would be willing to broadcast his stunt on the web at some future date. He said it'll be at www.1800stungun.com if and when it happens. The other Penis Knieval said he can be reached at PKnieval@aol.com.

• Howard Talks About The Cancellation Of His Show In Montreal. 8/27/98. 7:00am
  Yesterday CHOM radio up in Montreal, Quebec dropped Howard's radio show. Howard mentioned it during a discussion about his new Saturday night TV show. Howard was saying that the people who own CHOM and the TV station up in Montreal saw the TV show and decided to cancel both the radio show and the TV show. Howard doesn't care. He said that he'd rather be canceled than conform to the broadcast standards of the Canadian broadcasters. He said the same thing about the TV show here in the states. He'd rather go down in flames with a controversial show than make it a bland boring show like Saturday Night Live.

• Gary The Retard Dating Game. 8/27/98. 7:20am
  Gary the retard came in to play the Dating Game. He flew in from Oregon to help out with the Handicapped Star Search so Howard wanted to hook him up with a woman. Three women were competing for the date with the toothless wonder. Howard asked the women a bunch of questions for Gary. Gary asked a couple of the questions but he was barely understandable. They asked questions like ''Do you care about teeth?'', ''If you were stranded in a desert what would you take with you?'' and stuff like that. The game didn't last too long since there was so much to get to today. Howard told Gary to pick the woman he wanted to go out with. At first he picked number 3 who sounded the most normal. The other two sounded like they might be retarded. Howard kind of made Gary change his mind. Number 1 was the one who said she liked Gary and didn't care about teeth or money. The other two did care about teeth and money so Howard pointed that out to him. So Gary chose number 1 and got to meet the other women. Number 2 was 33 year old Beth and number 3 was Gina. His date is 22 year old Amanda who has won some trophy's in the Special Olympics. I sure hope they tape the date for TV! Gary hung around to play a game.

• Gary The Retard Knowledge Questions. 8/27/98. 8:15am
  Howard had a great idea for Gary the retard. He had a Scores girl come down to dance for Gary if he could answer some general knowledge questions correctly. The dancer's name is the same as the retarded girl Gary just got the date with so don't get too confused. Amanda was dressed in a thong bikini when she came in. You could almost hear the drool dripping out of Howard's mouth when she danced. Howard and the gang bet on some of the questions while they played the game. Here are the questions they asked:

  Question	Gary's Answer	Correct?
  What are the colors on the American flag?	Red, white and blue	Y
  Who is the President of the United States?	Lincoln	N
  How many wheels are on a tricycle?	Four	N
  Where do eggs come from?	Chicken	Y
  What does Red mean at a traffic light?	Stop	Y
  How many legs does a dog have?	Four	Y

  Gary got a few of the questions correct so he got a lap dance from Amanda for each one. The last question got Amanda's top off for Gary. Howard was loving it but when Amanda offered to give him a lap dance he refused it. Gary was getting some major air time today. He stuck around to be the host of the Handicapped Star Search.

• Handicapped Star Search. 8/27/98. 8:40am
  Today's judges for Handicapped Star Search were garbage man King of all Blacks, High Pitched Eric, Ronnie the limo driver and Ralph the fag. The last Handicapped Star Search was held on June 17. The winner of that one was Mike Oronin the CP comic. He came in today and did a couple of jokes. He wasn't quite as funny as he was back in June though. The three new contestants are as follows:
  • Janine - Miss Wheelchair of New Jersey - Stand Up comic. She told some horrible jokes.
  • Bunny The Midget - A pre-op transsexual dressed up as a woman. He had a horrible deep, scratchy voice. Got a huge reaction when he walked in. Sang a really bad song ''I Left My Heart In New York''.
  • The Groundhog Brothers - 2 brothers who sing karoke and break dance. The boys sound slightly retarded but gave a stellar performance while singing along to a rap song.

  Below are the scores for each contestant:

  	KOA Blacks	H.P. Eric	Ralph	Ronnie	Total Score
  Michael Oronin	7	8	6	7	28
  Janine	4	9	4	3	20
  Bunny The Midget	7	4	1	2	14
  The Groundhog Bros.	10	10	9	10	39

  As you can see the Groundhog Brothers blew everyone else away. So that was pretty much it for this contest.

• The Mike Walker Game. 8/27/98. 9:15am
  National Enquirer gossip columnist Mike Walker called in with his weekly game this morning. There were no celebrity guests to play the game today so it was just Howard, Robin and Jackie playing it. Mike reads 4 stories from his column. One of the stories is false and the crew tries to pick the false one. Here are this week's stories:
  1. Donny and Marie Osmond have been fighting on the set of their new TV show. Donny is upset because Marie called him an idiot in front of the crew and she thinks she's a bigger star than he is.
  2. A bus tour going through New York stopped at a building where they think Madonna lives. A woman who lives on the same floor as her yelled at the bus driver and told him to shut the fuck up. The driver said ''Oh, look folks, Madonna is yelling at us..''.
  3. Actress Cameron Diaz has agreed to do a topless scene in her next movie with Stanley Kubrick. She doesn't usually do topless scenes unless they make sense.
  4. The Magic Hour crew were upset when Magic Johnson left after promising to autograph some memorabilia for them. He claimed that someone in his family had died. The problem was that he's used that excuse in the past. Some of his family have died more than once.
  Robin and Howard both chose number 3 as the false story. Jackie chose number 1. The actual false story was number 3. Jackie was the loser of the day.

• Nicole Bass Calls In. 8/27/98. 9:30am
  Female bodybuilder Nicole Bass called in to complain about some nude pictures that showed up on the web. The pictures were single frame shots from last Saturday's tv show. The black cubing that was over her breasts was gone and you could see all of Nicole's breasts. She wanted to tell Howard about it. Nicole thinks that someone at the station is letting the pictures out but that's not true. Those cubes are missing from one frame per second or so in the video. If you tape the show at and SP speed on a VCR you can forward the video one frame at a time and see the nudity. Someone did that and captured the frame and published it on the web. I saw the pics over at www.koam.com yesterday but they may be gone by today. Howard said that people aren't allowed to use any images or sounds from his show without permission.

• New Jersey Governor Christie Whitman Calls In. 8/27/98. 9:45am
  Governor Whitman called in from Israel to talk with Howard for a few minutes. Whitman is over there to accept some award for her contributions to the Jewish community. She and Howard spoke about the President Clinton situation for a few minutes. There wasn't anything interesting going on though. Whitman is probably best known for the fact that she dedicated a rest stop to Howard as one of her campaign promises.

  ---

  -- Wednesday August 26, 1998 --

• Howard Complains About Gary's Annoying Morning Habit. 8/26/98. 6:20am
  Howard spent a while complaining about Gary's annoying habit of clearing his throat while he's briefing Howard on what's coming up on the show. This happens before the show starts so they're not on the air. Howard said that Gary clears his throat of phlegm over and over in the short time he's in the studio. Howard said it was about 15 times but other witnesses said it was more like 5. Gary doesn't do this while he's on the air so Howard thinks it may be a nervous thing. Gary tried to defend himself but as usual, it didn't work too well. He got all uptight while Howard was yelling at him and he started his other annoying habit of licking his big lips. It's really amazing how long Howard can drag out something as simple as Gary clearing his throat.

• Jackie's CD Signing Fiasco. 8/26/98. 6:40am
  Dan Wagner, the author of ''Getting To Howard'', called in to tell Howard about how much of a joke Jackie's CD signing was yesterday. Jackie was supposed to be signing copies of his new CD Hot Dogs and Donuts on Wall Street. His record company got the permit to sell the CD's but when the cops checked it out they said it wasn't the right one so they ended up giving away free CD's to people. Jackie hates this guy Dan. A while back when Jackie's book, Jackie 'the Joke Man' Martling's Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book, came out Dan saw that Jackie had used one of his pictures without his permission. Dan called into the show and pretended he was going to sue Jackie. After Jackie bought into the premiss, Dan said, "I'll drop the case if Jackie eats a Ring-Ding from my butt." (A reference to Marshmallow Mike.) Howard thought the whole episode was very funny and indicative of Jackie's "Hippie" approach to business. Unfortunately, Jackie has a thin skin. Despite the fact that Dan never sued Jackie; Jackie has decided that he now hates Dan. Howard told Jackie: "Hey why are you mad at the guy (Dan) -- he only wanted to get paid for his work. Gary said that Dan has taken pictures of him and Stuttering John and he's been nice to them.

• Rare TVMA Rating For Howard's New Show? 8/26/98. 7:05am
  Howard found out that his new TV show may get a rating of TVMA instead of the TV14 that it got last week. This TVMA rating has only been used on two other TV shows since the rating system started. It was used on ''Schindler's List'' and an episode of ''Brooklyn South'' where a guy's head was blown apart. Howard thinks that, if anything, it'll get more people to watch it. The people at CBS thought that Howard would get upset about the new rating but he said he doesn't care.

• Arthur The Farter Live In The Studio. 8/26/98. 7:10am
  Arthur the Farter or Arthur Fartowski as Howard said, a 15 year old kid, came in to fart 400 times for Howard. Arthur called in a few weeks ago and was invited down to demonstrate his talent. Arthur's farting position is kind of unusual. He puts his head on the floor, his ass in the air and his hands down his pants. He uses his hands to spread his cheeks to let the farts out in short bursts. Arthur came and went from the studio a bunch of times. He had to eat some chili to get some fuel first thing this morning. By 8:15 he'd done 100 farts. By 8:25 he'd farted 150 times. At 9:05 he was up to 200 and was full of fuel. He kept farting continuously and before 9:10 he was up to 300 farts! The gas was still flowing and by 9:14 New York time he'd hit his goal of 400! He was a little dizzy from his hard work after his marathon farting. Congratulations to Arthur! Gary said that he'd like to manage the kid for all of the appearances he'll probably be making in the near future. Howard said he'd like to put this on the Saturday night show this week.

• Mary The Recluse Retard. 8/26/98. 7:35am
  Tomorrow Gary the Retard will be playing a Dating Game thing with some women. This whiny annoying woman named Mary called in to try to get in on the game. Howard told her that if she wanted to come down she could. Her mother suggested that she try to get out and meet some people and calling Howard was the way to do it. She almost came to tears as she described herself to Howard. She said that she's too tall, too fat and her nose is too big. Howard told her that Gary the retard wouldn't care about her looks. Eventually Howard got Gary the retard on the phone to show Mary how nice he would be. They spoke for a short while but when ugly Mary heard that Gary was missing his two front teeth, she said that she can't date a man with no teeth. What a hypocrite! What a bitch! She's all upset about how people judge her on her looks but she turns around and does the exact same thing. By the time Howard was ready to hang up on her she said that she would be down tomorrow. That could change though. Tune in tomorrow to hear the whiny bitch.

• Melrose Larry's Interview With Kiefer Sutherland. 8/26/98. 9:30am
  Melrose Larry Green called in with some tape of an interview he got with actor Kiefer Sutherland. Melrose managed to get about 20 minutes worth of an interview with Kiefer. He only played about a minute of it for Howard. He asked Kiefer about Howard and Kiefer said some nice stuff about him. You can find out more about Melrose's adventures at www.melroselarry.com

• No More Live Commercials For Howard? 8/26/98. 10:55am
  Howard threw a temper tantrum while doing a live commercial for the New York area. He said that his voice is shot by the end of the show and he just can't handle doing live commercials 4 times a morning. He has to record more commercials for other markets after he does the show and he has meetings to go to. Howard said that in 1 month he will only do one live commercial per show. That brought General Manager Tom Chiusano into the studio. He and Howard argued for a few minutes. Howard and Tom had a stand off that could have lasted for a long time if Tom hadn't walked out of the studio. Howard was willing to just sit there until Tom left. After a minute or so Tom came to his senses and left. Tom said that they'll make Howard do the live commercials no matter what.

  ---

  -- Tuesday August 25, 1998 --

• Rapper Mr. D Original Calls In. 8/25/98. 7:20am
  This rapper who goes by the name of Mr. D Original called in to talk with Howard. This guy was recently arrested because he was giving away pot with each CD he sold. He was out on the street in Brooklyn, NY selling his own CD. With each CD that he sold he gave $3 worth of pot. The cops found him and found out that he didn't have a permit to sell on the streets. They ended up finding some pot on him so he was arrested. He went to jail for a little while and now he's out and awaiting a trial. Howard tried to listen to a little bit of the CD but someone didn't censor the curse words out of it so he couldn't finish playing it. For more information head over to www.nywebsites.com/3joints or call 888-4DA-DOUGH.

• Jackie's New Album Out Today. 8/25/98. 7:30am
  Today is the official release day for Jackie The Jokeman's new album Hot Dogs and Donuts. Howard spent some time playing parts of the joke CD and making fun of Jackie. For those of you who've never heard one of Jackie's CD's, well, it's material from his stand-up routine. He tells jokes like you'd hear at work or something. It's not a Jerry Seinfeld type thing. Jackie will be signing his new CD's at a bunch of places also. You can find out where he'll be on my Plugs and Appearances page.

• Another Bad Game From KC. 8/25/98. 8:15am
  Associate Producer KC came up with another game recently. He reads a quote from a celebrity then gives three choices for who it might be. Howard and Robin then try to guess who said it. It sounds like a good idea but it really sucked. He tried it a couple of weeks ago and it didn't go too well. He tried it again today and it still sucked. They play a lot of games on the show but this one is just stupid.

• Gary The Retard Checks In. 8/25/98. 8:25am
  Gary the retard from Oregon called in to tell Howard that he's coming in on Thursday. Howard said that they're having another Handicapped Star Search and Gary will be one of the judges I guess. Howard was talking with Gary and ended up talking about getting him a woman. Gary's never had sex with a woman so Howard said he'd try to hook him up. It won't be with a normal woman though. Howard said that he'd try to find 3 handicapped women to do a Retarded Dating Game type thing with Gary. Howard said that there's some siamese twins that they're going to ask to play the dating game. That would be quite a sight. A retard with no front teeth with some siamese twins on a date? Yikes!

• Daniel Carver Movie Reviews. 8/25/98. 8:55am
  Racist Klan member Daniel Carver called in to review a few movies today. Daniel reviewed ''School Ties'' first. He said that it was an anti-white movie and didn't like it. The movie was about a Jewish guy who kept his religion secret or some crap like that. Daniel gave the movie a 0 burning cross rating. The second movie was ''Trading Places'' starring Eddie Murphy. Daniel said he enjoys Eddie Murphy movies so this one came in with 3 burning crosses. He said the movie was really funny. Howard asked Daniel if Eddie Murphy offered to have drinks with him, would he do it. Daniel said absolutely not. He wouldn't go out for drinks with any black guy. The last movie was ''Planet of the Apes''. Howard couldn't figure out why they had him review that movie. Daniel figured it out though. He figures that someone wanted him to make the comparison between apes and blacks. Daniel gave the movie 3 burning crosses. So here's the wrap up of today's reviews:
  • School Ties - 0 Burning Crosses
  • Trading Places - 3 Burning Crosses
  • Planet of the Apes - 3 Burning Crosses
  You can see the rest of Daniel's movie reviews in my Daniel Carver Movie Review Summary page. After the reviews Howard took some phone calls for Daniel. Listeners were all calling in to argue with Daniel about the bible since he's always telling people what it says. The big argument was about what it says about who killed Jesus. Another guy wanted to know how Daniel can sell the American Flag next to a swastika in his catalog. Daniel just said ''..you can buy what you want to buy from the catalog..''.

• Howard Still Trying To Get Rid Of Gange. 8/25/98. 9:20am
  Howard has been trying to get rid of Mike Gange for years. Mike is the annoying cameraman who asks Howard's guests dumb questions after they appear on the show. Howard heard that Mike was making out with one of the women who came in with the Howard look alike last week. Mike said he was doing that but not at the station like Howard heard. He was at some screening for the Saturday night show when he did it. That led to a discussion about why Gange is still working for the show. Last year Gange told Howard that he'd leave the show by January 1998 but he's still hanging around. Howard told him that he really doesn't contribute anything to the show. Gange disagreed and said that he produces a lot of stuff for the E! show. Howard disagreed with that and they argued for a while about it. Eventually Howard offered Gange $10,000 if he'd quit the show today. Mike didn't take it. I guess we're stuck with him forever.

• Incest Tuesday. 8/25/98. 10:35am
  Earlier in the morning there was a guy who called in claiming that he'd slept with his sister. Then, this guy Tony calls in and said he was seduced by his 17 year old daughter. The first guy was a horrible story teller so Howard could barely put up with him. His sister was visiting him and one night, while watching a porno movie, they ended up having sex with each other. Tony told Howard his story about how his daughter seduced him back in January and she's still doing it with him. He wanted advice on how to stop but he wouldn't listen to anything they suggested. Tony ended up hanging up the phone when his wife walked into the room. Another guy by the name of Mario called in. He sleeps with his sister and says he'll do it in the studio for Howard. Howard wants to make a Incest Newlywed game out of this. He'll have these strange couples come down and play a Newlywed-type game with them.

  ---

  -- Monday August 24, 1998 --

• Howard Excited About His Saturday TV Show Premiere. 8/24/98. 6:15am
  Howard seems to be thrilled that he's on network tv now. His new Saturday night show did fairly well against Saturday Night Live in some of the larger markets. In New York he actually beat SNL. For those of you who have seen the E! show, this show is basically the same thing. It's the same camera's and the same director doing the show. The newest thing is the fact that it's on network tv instead of cable. There were some listeners who called in who didn't like what they saw. For some reason it seems like everyone was expecting sketch comedy even though Howard has been telling everyone that it's going to be like the E! show. In the future there will be more production pieces for the show. There were a few things that just didn't belong in the show. One of those things was a couple of animated Jon Benet Ramsey bumpers. They were just pointless and dumb. For more info about ''The Howard Stern Radio Show'' click here.

• ''Guess Who's The Jew'' With Guest Menage Au Trois. 8/24/98. 8:15am
  A black porn actress by the name of Menage Au Trois came in to play ''Guess Who's The Jew'' with Kurt Waldheim Jr.(aka Fred). Fred, I mean Kurt, came in dressed in full Nazi uniform. Kurt made some racial comments then Howard had this porno actress Menage Au Trois come in to play the game. Menage Au Trois is a black woman who's been in 216 porno movies. Her one unique feature is a 7 ½ inch tongue which she uses to please both men and women. Kurt insulted Menage through the whole segment. To play ''Guess Who's The Jew'' Kurt Waldheim Jr. reads three names. One of them is Jewish and the other two are christian. The category is ''Wild About Harry'' because all three names begin with Harry. Here are the three names:
  • Harry Hamlin
  • Harry Anderson
  • Harry Connick Jr.
  Menage Au Trois picked Harry Anderson as the Jew. She was wrong. The actual Jew in that list is Harry Connick Jr. After the game Howard spoke to Menage for a little while. She used to be a prostitute but now says she has women who go out and give full body massages. Howard called it ''pimping''. Menage Au says that she's not doing porno movies right now and that she's just touring. For some reason, I just don't care.

• Rob Zombie Comes In. 8/24/98. 8:50am
  Singer Rob Zombie came in to promote his new solo album ''Hellbilly Deluxe''. Rob has taken a break from his band White Zombie for a while so he can do this solo thing. Howard hung out with Rob and his girlfriend Sheri for a little while before Rob performed a couple of songs. Howard brought up the fact that Rob used to work on the ''Pee Wee's Playhouse'' tv show years ago. He did some artwork and stuff like that for the show. Rob was supposed to direct ''The Crow 3'' movie but after a couple of wasted years he's given up on it. The movie company jerked around for too long. There were a bunch of women who came down to dance during Rob's performance. There were a couple of S&M mistresses, a guy in drag and an old woman among other women. Howard talked to the mistresses for a little bit then took a break. After the break Rob performed the White Zombie song ''More Human Than Human'' then his new song ''Dragula'' from his new album. Howard seemed to love the songs. He was dancing during both of them. Rob's new cd is available tonight at midnight.

• Howard's Daughter Ashley Sings On The Phone. 8/24/98. 10:05am
  Robin was reading a story about how two of The Spice Girls may be pregnant. That led to Howard getting his youngest daughter Ashley on the phone to sing some Spice Girls songs. She sang a little bit of one song for her daddy but then said that she was going in the pool so she didn't have time to sing anymore.

• More Adventures Of Hank The Dwarf. 8/24/98. 10:10am
  Hank the angry, drunken dwarf came in for a few minutes late in the show today. Gary told Howard he had a great story about him so Howard had him come in. Hank flew out to San Francisco to do an appearance this weekend. Doug from the E! crew flew out there with him. They had to take a 20 minute commuter flight from New York City to Philadelphia Pennsylvania before heading to California. Doug said that Hank threw up six times in that 20 minute flight! According to Doug, Hank was shaking so bad that he couldn't drink out of a glass on the flight. Doug thought that he was going to have to send him to the hospital. Doug has become Hank's manager since he's become so popular lately. He said this was the first and last time he's going to fly with Hank. Hank stunk so bad on the flight that Doug had to spray cologne on his knuckles so he could smell that instead of Hank. Hank brought in a bottle of Gatorade mixed with vodka to keep himself drunk this morning. Hank even sleeps at Doug's apartment sometimes. Doug said he feels like Hank's father sometimes. He has to tell Hank to remember to bring stuff with him when he goes to an appearance. Hank is in such bad shape that Howard thinks that he won't live more than a year and a half or so. He told him that maybe he should have Hank tape some messages that they can play when he dies. Some guy called in and asked Hank if he would like to go to rehab. Hank told the guy that he'd rather die.

• Nicole Bass Calls In Crying. 8/24/98. 11:15am
  Female(?) bodybuilder Nicole Bass called in just about crying this morning. She was upset about her appearance on ''The Howard Stern Radio Show'' Saturday night. She was saying that Howard has ''..gone too far this time..'' and that she's had some contracts canceled because of it. She said that people don't believe that she's a woman now. She also said that the doctor who was doing the DNA test on her recently treated her very poorly. Howard said the doctor thought he was being goofed on so he was calling her Sir all the time. Howard tried to explain that to her but she just thought he was rude. The results of the DNA test should be in within the next few days or so. Nicole agreed to be tested the last time she was on the show. You can find out more about Nicole at her web site: www.nicolebass.com