-- Friday August 14, 1998 --
- The Best Of Stern. 8/14/98.
Howard and the gang are taking a vacation day today so they played some old ''Best Of Stern'' stuff. Here are the featured bits:
- Magic Johnson talks about Howard on a black radio station.
- Stuttering John's farting phony phone call.
- Howard talks about Haitians and a couple of angry Haitians call in.
- Howard goofs on Nancy Sirianni Martling's Christmas song.
- Woman calls in to tell Howard her fiance died.
- Andy of Mayberry 1993.
- Howard talks about animal testing. Animal rights activist calls in to argue.
- Kurt Waldheim Jr. and Guess Who's The Jew.
- Woman from Los Angeles comes in to meet Fred.
- Howard talks about racism and ''nig*er Hatin' Hats''.
- Sternac The Improbable.
- Angela Bowie visits.
- Howard talks to a guy who's on angel dust.
-- Thursday August 13, 1998 --
- The Gossip Game With Penthouse Pet Nikie St. Giles. 8/13/98. 7:05am
Penthouse Pet Nikie St. Giles came in to play the Mike Walker gossip game. Nikie was the Penthouse Pet back in the March 1997 issue. She's up for Penthouse Pet of the Year so I guess she's out promoting herself. Nikie is from Holland so she had a little bit of an accent going. Howard spent a couple of minutes with her then moved on to the gossip game.Earlier in the morning Howard mentioned that Mike Walker had faxed him pictures of Paula Jones after her $9000 nose job. Howard said she looks okay from the front but in the side view she still looks kind of funky. Howard and Mike spoke about that then moved on to the game. Mike calls in each week with 4 gossip stories. One of the stories is false, try to pick it.
- Sharon Stone recently threw a hissy fit when she thought someone stole a movie from her dressing room. After a while the movie showed up in her vcr.
- O.J. Simpson managed to get one brick from his old home which was recently torn down. He had the brick encased in lucite to preserve it.
- Magic Johnson can't figure out why his show was canceled. He said that he watched each and every show and couldn't see a problem with them.
- Michael Richards, Kramer on ''Seinfeld'', recently backed a Jeep into a pole and got it stuck. He did a few hundred dollars worth of damage to it. The Jeep wasn't even his, it was a friend's vehicle.
Nikie picked number 1 as the false story. Robin, Jackie and Howard all chose number 2 as the false story. The actual false story is number 1. Nikie actually won!After Mike was done Howard spent a few more minutes with Nikie. She told Howard about her lesbian experience while shooting her Penthouse layout. She and the other woman ended up doing stuff to each other during the shoot. She also admitted to having anal sex with her boyfriend. After a commercial break after she left Howard said all he could think about was her ass.
- Chuck Foley Inventor Of Twister Game Calls In. 8/13/98. 7:55am
The guy who invented the game Twister called in to promote one of his new inventions. Howard spoke to 68 year old Chuck about how little money he got out of the deal. Chuck says he hasn't made over $100,000 since it's invention in 1966. The game has made over $10 million in sales since it came out. Chuck got screwed. Howard thinks that Twister is a sexual game since people get really close to each other when they play. He asked Chuck if he invented it to get women. Chuck said he was married with children when he invented it but didn't really say it was to get closer to women. Howard asked him if he ever got aroused or if he's farted while playing the game. Chuck just laughed those questions off. Chuck has invented something called Undo. It's an adhesive remover that's getting noticed now. Chuck claims that you can remove duct tape from toilet paper without damaging the toilet paper. Howard said he couldn't imagine needing to do that but it's pretty amazing anyway. Undo is available in select stores such as Ace Hardware and Eckard Drug. Howard had invited porno star Jasmine St. Claire down to play a game of Twister so he told Chuck about it and got off the phone.
- Howard Plays Twister With Jasmine St. Claire. 8/13/98. 8:30am
Porno Star Jasmine St. Claire came down to play a game of half naked Twister with Howard. Howard talked to Jasmine for a while about her renewed porn career. Jasmine says that she won't be doing any more gang bang films. She's doing longer, better porn now. Howard wanted to make the game kind of interesting so he said that if Jasmine lost she'd have to kiss Benjy the 240 pound intern. She agreed to kiss him on the lips with mouths closed. If Howard lost he'd have to show Jasmine his ass. Gary was calling out the moves. Jasmine took her top off and was naked except for a g-string up her ass. Howard was supposed to wear boxers but someone got him the wrong underwear. He ended up in his regular underwear. For those of you who would like to re-enact the game here are all of the moves(they alternate between the two of them):
| Jasmine | Howard |
| Left Hand Red | Left Foot Green |
| Left Hand Yellow | Left Hand Red |
| Left Foot Blue | Left Foot Blue |
| Right Foot Yellow | Left Hand Blue |
| Left Foot Green | Right Foot Blue |
| Right Hand Green | Right Hand Green |
| Left Foot Red | Left Foot Green |
| Left Hand Red | Left Foot Red |
| Right Hand Red | Right Foot Red |
| Right Foot Green | Right Hand Blue |
| Left Foot Blue | Left Hand Red |
| Right Foot Yellow | Right Foot Yellow |
| Right Foot Red | Left Foot Green |
| Right Foot Blue | Left Foot Red |
| Right Hand Green | Right Hand Yellow |
| Left Hand Blue | Right Hand Green |
| Left Hand Green | Left Hand Green |
| Left Foot Yellow | Left Hand Yellow |
| Right Foot Green | |
Who else gives you that much detail? As you can see Jasmine lost the game. Howard was all over her nude body. He may have pushed her out of the game though. Jasmine said that Howard put too much weight on her and caused her to lose the game. Howard was winded after the game. He was really out of breath for some reason. Well, Jasmine lost so she had to kiss fat Benjy. She gave him a quick peck but Benjy wasn't done with her. He begged to kiss her feet and got his wish. He kissed her feet and even got to kiss her belly. He was shaking because he thought she was so beautiful. Jasmine will be hosting some Miss Nude Galaxy contest in Indiana sometime in the near future.
- Three Women Get Evaluated. 8/13/98. 9:00am
Three women came in to get evaluated by Howard and three judges. The judges for today's evaluation were Ralph the fag, Ronnie the limo driver and King of all Blacks. The first woman was Alina. Alina was wondering if she was Playboy quality. Alina is a 27 year old actress. She's 5'9'' tall and weighs 125 pounds. She says that she's been in 4 HBO movies in the lead role. She stripped down to show everyone her body. All three judges were very impressed. Even Ralph who usually doesn't give over a 7 score gave Alina a 9! That's unheard of! Ronnie and King of all Blacks both gave her 10's. She had a great body. She got rave reviews of her ass. They all agreed that she was Playboy quality. Howard told her that she may want to have a rib removed to give her a better ''hour glass'' figure but other than that she was great. Ralph noticed that she had a tattoo on her private parts. It turned out to be a cat's face. Howard took a few test shots with his Polaroid camera before moving on to the next woman.Evaluation number 2 was Christine. Christine is a 24 year old stripper who wants to know if she's star quality. She's 5'3'' tall and weighs in at 108 pounds. She said that she has had some lesbian sex in her life but she loves men. She got topless for the guys and impressed Ronnie and King of all Blacks. Ronnie gave her a 9 and KOAB gave her a 10+! Ralph wasn't so impressed and picked her apart a bit. I didn't hear him give her a number though. Ralph said she had stubby legs, hair all over her body, bad feet and a few other things. Howard took a few pictures of her before she left. She had a bad personality so that turned Howard and Ralph off.
Evaluation number 3 was Ann Marie. There was just one problem. Ann Marie thought she was coming in to be evaluated on her on-air personality, not her looks. Well that wasn't going to work. The three judges started picking her apart immediately. She didn't like it and told them that's not why she was there. She never took her clothes off. It turned out to be one big misunderstanding. She's going to be an intern next semester so she may be on again in the future. She didn't seem like a very fun person though. After that disaster the subject of Gary's weight came up. Gary has ballooned up to 205 pounds. King of all Blacks was picking on Gary and his chocolate diet. They both picked on each other for about 20 minutes. KOAB is a big fat guy also so Gary couldn't understand why he was picking on him. It was pretty entertaining.
- Richard Belzer Sits In During The News. 8/13/98. 10:10am
Actor/comedian Richard Belzer came in to promote an animated HBO special he's got going called ''Belzer's Conspiracy Chronicles''. He has a few other things going but they're not out yet. He's working on a book and another tv show. He still stars in the tv show ''Homicide'' also. When Belzer comes in he sits in during the news and comments on the stories. There was so much happening on the show today, geez. This Puerto Rican woman called in at one point because her son has dropped out of high school so he can listen to Howard full time. Howard let her ramble on for a few minutes then suggested that she stop feeding him until he goes back to school. A little while later Howard asked Belzer to give Jerry Seinfeld's HBO show a score on a scale of 1 to 10. Belzer gave it an 8.5. Howard then asked Belzer who was the best comedian ever. Belzer said Richard Pryor was the best and gave him a 10. He said Chris Rock is a 9. Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno are in the high 8's. Howard asked about Carrot Top but Belzer just laughed it off.
-- Wednesday August 12, 1998 --
- Gary The Retard Lost At The Airport. 8/12/98. 6:15am
First thing this morning there was a problem with a guest. It was Gary The Retard from Portland. He flew in late last night to appear on the show today. His flight came in at midnight but at 6:15 this morning he was still there. The car service that was supposed to pick him up couldn't find him so the guy left. Gary The Retard just hung around the terminal for 6 hours. Howard put him on the air and tried to figure out exactly where he was. Eventually an employee who heard Howard talking about it on the radio came over to help out. He got on the phone and Howard asked him to get Gary in a cab. After that mess Howard yelled at Stuttering John because it was basically his fault. Howard relieved John of all duties other than answering the phones. Howard also yelled at Gary(Baba Booey) because of another problem. Howard is taking this Friday off and Gary didn't notify everyone that no one would be there on Friday. I think he got most of his yelling out of the way for the day.
- Guy Who Blew His Face Off Calls In. 8/12/98. 6:45am
This 19 year old guy by the name of Jay called in to give some advice about suicide attempts. When he was 18 he tried to kill himself with a shotgun shot to the head. Well the gun didn't kill him, it just blew half his face off. Howard asked him if he had a nose, Jay said no. Howard asked him if he had lips, he said no. He also lost an eye in the suicide attempt. He didn't suffer any brain damage though. Jay is still in rehabilitation and is learning to read braille since he can't really see. Howard told Jay that he'd like him to come on the show sometime. I think that would be a bad idea. It might be a bit depressing to see someone like that. Of course Jay said that he can't get laid either. He said his old friends still hang out with him though. He doesn't have the desire to kill himself anymore. That's the weirdest part of the whole thing. You'd think that he'd want to kill himself if he so disfigured.
- 1998 Summer Intern Beauty Pageant. 8/12/98. 8:00am
It's that time of year once again. The latest batch of interns are ending their run at the Stern show so it's time to have a beauty pageant. The judges this time are Francisco the Stutterer, Gary the Retard and Ralph the Fag. The contestants are judged on 3 categories: Outfit, Personality and Talent. Here are the contestants:
- Debra
Debra is 21, blonde and 5'9'' tall. Howard asked her a few questions to get an idea of her personality. Here are a couple of the questions:
- What was your most embarrassing moment? - The time she bad mouthed Lisa the intern when she was in the same room.
- How many sex partners should a woman have before marriage? - 5 or less
- Is penis size important? - Yes
For her talent she sang a song parody of ''Big Spender''. Her scores are below:
| Debra | Outfit | Personality | Talent | Totals |
| Francisco | 8 | 8.5 | 3 | 19.5 |
| Gary | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 |
| Ralph | 7 | 7 | 8 | 22 |
| | | | 71.5 |
- Corey
Corey is an asian intern with a C-cup breast size. She's 5'4'' tall, 120 pounds and her measurements are 34-28-34. She was wearing an evening gown that covered her up. Here are a couple of her personality questions:
- What was the most exciting day of your life? - Yesterday when she met LL Cool J.
- If you had your own talk show who would you have on it? - Howard, James Dean and her grandfather.
- How many sex partners should a woman have before marriage? - Less than 10.
- Is penis size important? - Not really.
Corey performed a parody of that awful Celine Dion song from Titanic. Here are her scores:
| Corey | Outfit | Personality | Talent | Totals |
| Francisco | 7 | 9 | 5 | 21 |
| Gary | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 |
| Ralph | 7 | 7 | 6 | 20 |
| | | | 71 |
- Lisa
Lisa has been in beauty pageants before so she had a slight advantage. She's a 36 C-cup and she was showing some cleavage unlike the other two contestants. Ralph didn't like her personality from the beginning so he brought it up in the middle of her personality segment. He didn't like the way she treated him before she knew he was a judge. That may have affected her scores. Here are a few of her questions:
- What was the most exciting day of your life? - The day she found out she was going to be an intern for the Stern show.
- If you had your own talk show who would you have on it? - Her mom, Donald Trump and someone who's against beauty pageants.
- How many sex partners should a woman have before marriage? - A few.
- Are you wearing panties? - No.
For her talent Lisa performed a song parody of ''Every Breath You Take''. Here are her scores:
| Lisa | Outfit | Personality | Talent | Totals |
| Francisco | 9 | 1 | 9 | 19 |
| Gary | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 |
| Ralph | 7 | 5 | 8 | 20 |
| | | | 69 |
What a close pageant this was! The winner won by a mere half a point! Lisa came in last surprisingly. Debra won and gets a bunch of small prizes for her trouble.
- Bob Guccione Calls In. 8/12/98. 9:10am
The king of Penthouse Magazine, Bob Guccione, called in to promote the September issue of the mag. There's an article about this cancer drug Hydrozine Sulfate which kept his late wife alive for two and a half years. Bob claims that his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and was given just a few weeks to live. They found out about this drug that's not available here in the U.S. So they managed to get it from another country. The drug kept her alive. Then she went in for surgery to remove some scar tissue that was preventing her stomach from letting food pass through and she died from complications during surgery. Bob wants to spread the word so there's an article in the September issue of Penthouse Magazine. Bob and Howard spent at least 35 minutes talking about all kinds of stuff. 66 year old Bob is now dating a 30 year old woman. Howard heard that she's like the best looking woman in the world. Bob told a long story about how Penthouse ended up beating Playboy in sales after just a few years being out. Right now Penthouse is the second largest selling magazine. The best selling magazine is TV Guide. Howard suggested that Penthouse add tv listings to their magazine to boost sales over that of TV Guide. Bob thought that was a pretty funny idea. Howard said that Penthouse has been showing more and more graphic sexual stuff lately. They're showing penetration and even women peeing. Bob said that the September issue has the winner of some pee contest in it. That may be why the magazine was banned from U.S. military bases. Bob said he's gone to court over that fact. Before Bob got off the phone he said that Penthouse will be looking in to opening up a strip club in New York City sometime in the future.
-- Tuesday August 11, 1998 --
- Gary Garver's 7 Minutes With O.J. 8/11/98. 6:50am
Los Angeles interviewer Gary Garver managed to get about 7 minutes worth of an interview with OJ Simpson. OJ was out golfing as usual so Gary followed him around for a while. Here's how it went..
- Are people treating you unfairly? - OJ said he doesn't worry about what people do
- Do you still get fan mail? - Yes
- How's your investigation going? - LA PD won't help him out. Said he's gotten some leads recently and they'll be looking in to them.
- What sort of response have you gotten from your interview with the BBC? - OJ said he hasn't done interviews in months. The US press edits what he says so it's not exactly what was said.
- What do you think of Mark Furman passing the lie detector test? - He thinks that anyone can pass a lie detector test if they write their own questions.
- Are you afraid that Furman will frame you with more crimes? - Not really
- What's the strangest comment made to you since the incident? - Couldn't think of any. Rambled on about how facts about the murder case are not the real facts.
- If you had one wish from a Genie what would it be? - Said he'd like to go back in time and not have been unfaithful to his wives.
OJ ran off for a short time but Gary caught up with him and here's what happened.
- OJ talked about how he went on a 6 week vacation with his kids and the media made a big thing about his daughter telling him it was time to go.
- Would you ever be a guest on Fred Goldman's talk show? - He would love to talk about the facts with Fred and Marcia Clarke.
- While in jail did you engage in any alternate lifestyle sex? - Couldn't talk about it.
- Do you have any suggestions for removing blood stains? - Got upset that Gary was making a joke of the death of 2 people.
That last question was all he could take. OJ then stopped the interview. Gary Garver called in when Howard replayed this interview around 8:30. Gary said he could go back to the golf course and try to interview OJ again. Howard said that was a good idea and even suggested that they dress Gary like Fred Goldman when he goes.
- LL Cool J Comes In. 8/11/98. 7:30am
Actor/Rapper LL Cool J came in to hang out for a while this morning. He's appearing in the new ''Halloween 5 H20'' movie that just came out recently. He said that he's going to concentrate on his acting career instead of his music right now. He and Howard had a great time today. LL sounded very happy. He was very hyper and joked around a lot. Howard had a bunch of information about LL that he asked about. A lot of the stuff was about how screwed up his childhood was. LL's father shot his mother and grandfather with a 12 gauge shotgun when he was a young boy. A lot of this stuff is in LL's book I Make My Own Rules. LL spoke just a little bit about his feud with rapper Canibus. Howard brought up the subject but LL denied it at first. Eventually he said he was kidding and spoke about it. He didn't get into to much detail though. He just said that he said something to Canibus that he shouldn't have. Before LL left Howard had Corey the intern come in to meet him. She's a huge fan and really wanted to meet him. She wasn't too wacky when she came in so there's not much to report there.
- Tonya Flynt-Vega Calls In. 8/11/98. 9:00am
Tonya Flynt-Vega, daughter of Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt, called in to plug her book Hustled: My Journey From Fear to Faith. In the book Tonya claims that her father molested her as a child. When her father heard that she was going to publish that he wrote her a letter telling her that she wouldn't be getting any of his fortune from Hustler magazine. She went ahead with the book and even put the letter from Larry in it. Tonya said she's also been threatened by her father. She claims that he threatened to kidnap her daughter and stuff like that. She's been followed by people and has to watch her back when she goes out. She also said that the guy who shot her father has contacted her. He somehow got her unlisted phone number and wrote her some letters saying that he loves her. Sounds like a nice life huh?
- WANTED: FREAKS. 8/11/98. 9:20am
If you're a freak and you want to be in the opening for the new CBS tv show then call 212-975-9002. Howard put out the word that they're taping the opening for the new CBS show and they need freaky people to appear in it. The auditions are tomorrow (Wednesday August 12) from 9am to noon. The actual taping will take place next Monday. Average people need not apply.
-- Monday August 10, 1998 --
- New Studio Set For CBS TV Show. 8/10/98. 6:05am
Howard mentioned that they have a new setup in the studio for the upcoming ''The Howard Stern Radio Show'' CBS TV show. He said it looks very professional now. He didn't explain exactly what it included but did mention that there's a couch in there. The new show starts on August 22.
- Porno Actress Houston Comes In. 8/10/98. 7:20am
This porno actress by the name of Houston came in to promote her upcoming Gang Bang movie. She's planning on beating the current record of 300 guys by banging 500 guys in a row! OUCH! Howard said that Houston is a very attractive woman for a porn star. She had DD-Cup breasts which took 4 operations to get that large. She said that she had a part on ''Baywatch'' at one time. That's how she got started in show business. She said that she loves sex and that she's looking forward to doing the 500 guys. She once practiced and did 50 guys in a row and said she wanted to keep going. She started having sex when she was 12 years old with another 12 year old. Howard spoke to her for a while about her life and sexual history. This gang bang movie is supposed to be called ''The Houston 500'' and it may take place at a racetrack. You can even try to get in the movie yourself. Just check out www.amazingsex.com or www.houston500.com. Howard was loving Houston so much that he asked her if she'd fluff the guys up so they could measure their penis' again like they did last week and the week before. She didn't have a problem with it so Gary went first. A short time later Gary came out and said he measured 5¾ inches. That's right in between his previous measurements. Howard was up next so he took a commercial break. After the break Howard couldn't believe the measurement he got. His previous two measurements were both 6 inches. This time it measured 6½ inches! Houston confirmed the measurement because Howard had her look at it while they were in the bathroom! This may have been a first for Howard. Letting a woman other than his wife look at his penis? Howard didn't say exactly what she did to get him aroused but whatever it was certainly worked. Howard almost forgot to ask Houston an important question. Houston has to serve some jail time when she goes back to California. Howard had to call her back in to ask her why that was. Houston was arrested for driving under the influence for the second time recently so she has to server 45 days in jail for that. I guess she won't be banging those 500 guys for at least a month and a half.
- What's The Deal With Ralph?. 8/10/98. 8:15am
A 12 year old caller brought up an interesting subject this morning...Ralph's relationship with actress Terry Farrell. Terry used to star on ''Deep Space 9'' and Ralph managed to get a date with her. The only problem was that she lives out in California and Ralph lives in New Jersey. Well this kid was wondering if Ralph was still talking to her. That led to a 40 minute discussion with Ralph about whether or not he's gay. Ralph said that he still talks to Terry but he's not rushing out to California to have sex with her. Howard and the gang spent way too much time talking to homo boy Ralph. Ralph figures that if he wants to get laid he can just stay on the east coast and do it. So to sum it up, Ralph is just friendly with Terry Farrell and if he wants to get laid he can stay in Jersey.
- Actor Dirk Benedict Talks About Curing Prostate Cancer. 8/10/98. 9:10am
Dirk Benedict who used to star on ''The A Team'' and ''Battlestar Galictica'' years ago called in to promote his book Confessions of a Kamikaze Cowboy. Dirk had prostate cancer about 20 years ago and claims he cured it by changing his diet. Howard tried talking to him about it all but Dirk was talking over Howard and Howard was talking over Dirk. Dirk seemed like a nice guy and he wasn't offended by too many of Howard's sexual questions. Two of Dirk's co-stars on ''The A Team'' also got cancer. Mr. T and the late George Peppard developed cancer. Mr. Peppard died as a result of it. Dirk explained some of the symptoms of prostate cancer. Some of them are frequent urination, burning or pain when urinating or blood in the urine. Another one is impotence. Dirk suffered from most of those symptoms. He said he really got worried when he couldn't get an erection. When he went to see a doctor they told him that would have to be castrated to cure his cancer. Dirk didn't want to do that so he had to do something else. Actress Gloria Swanson told him to change his diet so he did. The symptoms started to go away in about 4 to 6 months and he felt he was totally cured about 6 years into it. It wasn't a quick cure but it worked for him. He now eats grains, beans and vegetables. Howard asked Dirk if he's talked to Mr. T lately. Dirk said that Mr. T is keeping a low profile and isn't talking to him. They used to be really good friends but now the guy won't talk to him. Dirk said he warned Mr. T back in the days of ''The A Team'' that his diet wasn't healthy. T should have listened I guess.
- Baseball Player Marty Cordova Comes In. 8/10/98. 9:50am
Marty Cordova, left fielder for the Minnesota Twins, came in for a quick visit today. The guy showed up so late that Howard didn't spend much time with him. The guy was out in about 5 minutes. It was so quick that it's barely worth mentioning. Howard was going to have some transsexual come in too but it turned out to be a hoax.
