Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 6/22/98 to 6/26/98

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-- Friday June 26, 1998 --
• Nude Rubdown Contest Winner Picked. 6/26/98. 6:55am
  This was one of the quickest picks for the winner of a contest on the show. Next Tuesday porn star Serenity will be coming in to give one lucky winner a nude rubdown. For the past couple of weeks people have been calling in telling their hard luck stories. Howard had a list of about 5 this morning. It came down to two guys. One guy, Brian, was stabbed 32 times by some kid who was hired by his wife to kill him. And the other guy, Joe, had cancer and got his voice messed up by surgery. Howard said he had to pick Joe because of his unusual voice. It's better for radio according to Howard. Everyone but Fred voted for Joe. Fred picked Brian because he said that it's more unusual to get stabbed than to get cancer. He really is from Mars, isn't he? So next Tuesday Joe will be in to get his nude rubdown.

• Guy Who Got Breast Implants To Win A Bet. 6/26/98. 7:45am
  Howard read about this guy, Brian The Wiz, who got breast implants to win a bet. The $100,000 bet said that Brian couldn't get implants and keep them for a year. Well, he did it and got his $100,000. He didn't get the implants taken out yet though. He still has them after 2 years! He said it's too expensive to have them removed. He also won a $30,000 when he lived in a bathroom for almost a month. He didn't stay in there for the full 30 days so the final winnings were a little less than $30,000 though. He's also very good at ping pong and wins bets when he plays against other players. He said he was willing to give up one of his eyeballs for $1 million but it didn't happen. You can see this guy in Maxxim Magazine when it comes on next Monday.

• The Mike Walker Game. 6/26/98. 8:30am
  No special guests were present for today's Mike Walker Game so Gary played instead. Gary doesn't usually play because he goes over the stories with Mike. This week Stuttering John went over them and helped come up with the false story. Mike, Gossip Editor for the National Enquirer, calls in each week with 4 gossip stories. One of the stories is false, try to pick it.
  1. George Michael was seen out at a gay pick up spot in London. He took off when a couple of fans approached him.
  2. Tom Hanks has been starving himself for an upcoming role. His family and friends are worried about how thin he's gotten.
  3. Magic Johnson's show is going to try getting ratings by bringing on sports celebrities. Michael Jordan was contacted but hasn't returned calls.
  4. Because of the popularity of cigar bars Mickey Rourke has decided to open a chewing tobacco bar.
  Gary picked number 3 as the false story. Fred picked number 2 and Howard, Jackie and Robin all chose number 4. The actual false story was number 3.

• The Percentage Game. 6/26/98. 8:45am
  Here's another wacky game from the mind of KC. KC tried a game a couple weeks ago that just didn't work out. He took the same info from that game and made it into this nightmare of a game. Howard, Robin, Jackie, Fred and Gary all filled out questionnaires. KC took the results from the questionnaire and turned it into this mess. Everyone has to try and guess the percentage of people who answered the question or something like that. Here's what it looks like:

  	Howard	Robin	Jackie	Fred	Gary	Actual
  What percentage of the Stern show crew has masturbated in public?	N/A	40%	20%	40%	60%	60%
  What percentage has had a gay experience?	60%	60%	60%	N/A	40%	60%
  What percentage would trade fame for a body like Arnold Schwartzenegger or Elle McPherson?	N/A	N/A	N/A	N/A	N/A	60%
  What percentage said that they trust white people over black?	40%	40%	N/A	N/A	40%	40%
  What percentage would have sex with someone on the show or their spouses if no one would find out?	80%	N/A	N/A	N/A	60%	40%
  What percentage has thought of suicide?	60%	60%	N/A	N/A	60%	40%
  What percentage thinks Fred has the biggest penis?	N/A	N/A	N/A	N/A	N/A	40%
  What percentage has put their tongue in the dirtiest place?	N/A	N/A	N/A	N/A	N/A	40%

  As you can see not everyone played along for every question. Howard got sick of it before the end of the game so he didn't even bother to guess. The game worked out a little better than the first time but it was still kind of lame. The best part came after the last question about the tongue in a dirty place. Gary and Jackie have had their assholes licked by women they've gone out with. Gary said it's a great feeling. Howard's never had it and said that it's too disgusting down there to have a woman licking it. Gary said ''That's her problem'' when Howard said it was gross. Jackie kept pretty quiet about the whole thing. He didn't say who he did it with. Gary said that his wife has never done it to him. Howard asked Gary if he kissed the woman after she licked his ass. Gary said no but then changed his answer to say that he kissed her but not a tongue kiss. Jackie says that's why women have foreheads.. So you can kiss them there after they've done stuff like that to you.

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  -- Thursday June 25, 1998 --

• Magic Mentioned Howard On ''The Magic Hour''. 6/25/98. 6:25am
  Howard played a quick clip of Magic Johnson talking about him with his guest Carol Alt. He made a quick mention of how Howard talks about his show every day and that he wants Howard to do the show. Carol said that she'd call Baba Booey and hook them up. Howard didn't goof on the show today for some reason. Maybe he's finally given up on it.

• How Cheap Is Jackie? 6/25/98. 6:55am
  Howard brought up the fact that Jackie stayed in a Best Western hotel in the city last night. This isn't the first time he's done that and Howard wonders why. Howard thinks Jackie can afford a better hotel room. Jackie said that he doesn't need to spend $700 to take a nap. Jackie claims that there weren't any other hotel available so he settled for the cheaper Best Western. Stuttering John came in and said that he booked the hotel for Jackie recently and he did it because Jackie told him to use the Best Western. This went on for about a half hour or so. Later in the morning the manager of the Best Western called in to defend his hotel. He said that Jackie's suite was very nice yet affordable. He said they rolled out the red carpet for Jackie. Howard didn't seem like he was in the mood to promote the Best Western so he hung up on the guy.

• Benjy Interviews Soupy Sales. 6/25/98. 7:45am
  Howard played tape of an interview Benjy the intern did with Soupy Sales. Soupy hung around for a bunch of the questions but he was really mellow and didn't sound like his usual wacky self. He asked him questions like ''Did you change your name to hide your ethnicity?'' and some questions about Pee Wee Herman. The question that drove Soupy over the edge was ''Who picked out that wig?''. Soupy said ''What wig?'' and left. A lot of the questions were kind inside jokes about Pee Wee Herman. Years ago Soupy talked about Pee Wee and Howard played the tape. Too much to explain and it's not that interesting.

• Baseball Player Mike Piazza Comes In. 6/25/98. 8:35am
  New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza came in to hang out with Howard for a while. They spent some time talking about the fact that Mike may be signing a 7 year contract for somewhere around $100 million! He explained how he used to suck at the game but over time he improved a lot. His father pushed him to practice when he was a kid and now Mike is glad he did. His father also told him not to worry about girls when he was young because if he got into the major leagues he'd have his choice of women. His dad was right. When Mike was a rookie years ago he dated Debbie Dunning who plays the Tool Time girl on ''Home Improvement''. Howard took a few phone calls for Mike. One guy told Mike that he was upset that Mike left the L.A. Dodgers. Mike was traded so it wasn't up to him. The way the guy was talking made it sound like it was Mike's fault when it wasn't. The caller said ''..You broke a lot of hearts..'' when he left. Howard ended up hanging up on the nut. Mike didn't really have anything to promote while he was on. He does have a video game out with his name on it though and he'll be appearing on Late Show with David Letterman on Monday night.

• Howard's Old Boss Ubi Comes In. 6/25/98. 9:25am
  If you saw Howard's movie ''Private Parts'' when Howard got his first job at WRNW with Moti then you'll have an idea who this guy is. Moti was based on WRNW's General Manager Ubi. Ubi always told Howard that he didn't belong on the air with his awful voice. Today when he came in he said that he still can't believe how big Howard has become. He thought that Howard must be using something to alter his voice. Ubi brought his two sons and a couple of their friends along with him to the studio. Howard wanted to ream Ubi but decided not to do it in front of his kids. Ubi is now working for a telecommunications company called IDT. He's probably making life hard for some people at that company. Even Ubi's kids said it ain't easy having Ubi as a father. Ubi had to say that he never wore a white jump suit like the one Moti wore in ''Private Parts''. Howard swears that he did but Ubi says no way. Howard didn't keep Ubi in the studio too long because he didn't want to bring back memories from that part of his life. He had Gary give Ubi and his kids a tour of the station.

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  -- Wednesday June 24, 1998 --

• Still Goofing On Magic. 6/24/98. 6:45am
  Two and a half weeks after ''The Magic Hour'' started airing Howard is still making fun of the show. He's following it to it's grave. Almost every day they play some tape of the car wreck of a show. Howard loves how bad it is and doesn't want it to get canceled. He's read some stories that say it doesn't have much life left in it. Now Howard wants people to write in and save the show. He's also still willing to appear on the show as long as they let him bring his farting musical group with him. They still haven't agreed to that yet. They can't sink much lower than they are now so I can't imagine why they don't let Howard on. Howard didn't play much of the show today because it really was boring.

• Lisa The Queef Girl Comes In. 6/24/98. 8:05am
  This woman Lisa called in recently to demonstrate her queefing power. She's able to fart through her vagina 20 times in 30 seconds. 22 year old Lisa came down from Canada with her friend Kelly. Howard spent some time talking to Lisa about her short lived stripping career. Lisa said she started stripping about 6 months ago in a small town. Word got around that she was stripping so Lisa's ex-boyfriend told her father what she was doing. The father, mother and brother all went down to the strip club. Her father went in just to be sure that she was stripping. Once he confirmed it he pulled her out and made her stop. Now Lisa says ''I realized it wasn't for me'' over and over again when asked about it. Lisa and her friend Kelly are ''Shooter girls'' at some bar. Lisa doesn't strip anymore but she does do ''Hooter Shooters''. That's when she takes a shot glass, puts it in her cleavage and lets guys drink from it. Howard thinks that's worse than stripping because the guys are right in her chest area. That didn't stop him from letting Lisa demonstrate the hooter shooter for him. She went over with a shot glass and showed him how it's done. Eventually Lisa got around to doing her queef demonstration. Howard set a clock for 30 seconds and Lisa let them rip. She's able to suck air right in to her vagina then lets it out with a loud fart sound. She was able to queef 24 times in that 30 seconds. Wow! Both Lisa and Kelly were really cute so Howard asked them to kiss each other for him. They did it with a little coaxing. Howard took some phone calls from people but one woman was really upset about how low Howard has sunk. She thinks that this is the lowest thing Howard has ever had on the show. Howard was insulted that the woman thought this was the lowest thing. He must think that he's had worse on the show. Before the girls left they both took guesses on the Rosie O'Donnell Jelly Bean head. One of them guessed 1,134 and the other guessed 2,050. Both guesses were low.

• Poet Robbyne Kaamil Calls In. 6/24/98. 8:55am
  Robbyne Kaamil has a lot of poetry with the word ''nig*er'' in it. She's a ''full figured'', angry, black woman. She wasn't that angry while on the phone with Howard but some of her poetry would have you believe different.Howard has been playing tape of some of the poems all week long. One of the shorter ones is ''European Mathematics; nig*er divided by hue equals power''. She recited a bunch of her poetry to Howard. One of them was ''NYPD Meditation Chant: Ohmmm, killanigga, killanigga, killanigga, killanigga, killanigga, ohmmm''. She also had a couple of longer poems that I didn't have time to write down. The title of one was ''nig*er With a Shopping Bag''. They're all in her book Get Off the Titty: Poetry that Bites. Howard couldn't say the title of the book on the air because of the ''Titty'' word. He had to call it ''Get Off the Breasts''. Robbyne said that she's had a hard time getting the book into book stores but Amazon.com sells it.

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  -- Tuesday June 23, 1998 --

• An Entry For The Upcoming Hard Luck Contest. 6/23/98. 6:35am
  Coming up in the near future will be a hard luck contest. The winner gets a nude rub down from porn star Serenity. This guy who called in this morning had a pretty good story. He was stabbed 32 times back in 1989 when his wife hired someone to kill him. He told Howard his story an it was good enough to get his name on the list for the contest. The guy's wife had hired a 19 year old guy to kill her husband for a measly $400! The guy and his wife were out camping and she had him go outside to see if something had been chasing her. When he went out the guy was out waiting for him. The 19 year old then stabbed him in the head a bunch of times. Somehow he got the knife away from the guy and tried to stab back. His wife drove him to the hospital and a couple days later she was arrested. She never paid the 19 year old guy his $400. The guy said that he visited his wife to find out why she did all of this. She thought he was cheating on her so she wanted him dead. Now that's pretty f'd up.

• Former Penthouse Pet Kimberly Taylor Comes In. 6/23/98. 7:50am
  33 year old Kimberly Taylor came in for some weird reason today. She had some script that she wanted Howard to look at but she wouldn't show it to him until this afternoon. It didn't matter because Howard had something planned for her anyway. Kimberly has been on the show a bunch of times in the past and she's always pretty loony. Today was no different. She has a very short attention span so Howard had to keep telling her to pay attention to what he was saying. Howard's plan was to ask Kimberly some general knowledge questions to find out how smart she is. He tried out a few test questions before they started to bet on her. Here are the test questions:

  Question	Answer	Correct?
  How many senators represent each state?	Two	Y
  What is 20% of $200?	$80	N
  What temperature is freezing?	Twenty three degrees	N

  So as you can see she didn't get off to a good start. She's not stupid, she claims that she just gets a little confused sometimes. After those 3 questions Howard had Kimberly hide out in the studio bathroom so she couldn't hear how they were going to bet on her answers. Howard read off 3 of the next questions and she'd come out and answer them. There was a little controversy when Mike Gange noticed that Kim had turned on the speaker in the bathroom. Howard thought everything was ruined because she may have heard some answers. It turned out that she didn't hear anything so they went on with the game. Here's how the questions went:

  Question	Kim's Answer	Correct?
  GOP are initials for what political party?	No answer	N
  What is the capital of New York state?	Albany	Y
  Who invented the telephone?	Bell	Y
  What was Bella Lugosi famous for?	No answer	N
  What sport is the Stanley Cup award for?	Hockey	Y
  How many feet are in a yard?	Twelve	N
  How many states are there?	Fifty	Y
  How many inches are in a foot?	Twelve	Y
  How many sides are on a pentagon?	Eight	N
  Is Rhode Island a state or a country?	State	Y
  What was the name of the pilgrim's boat?	The Mayflower	Y
  Who was the first president of the U.S.?	George Washington	Y
  Name the four Beatles.	George, Ringo, John and Paul	Y
  What is a bird in the hand worth?	A Howard in the underwear	N

  During the questions Howard took a call from a guy who said that Kimberly posed for nude photos when she was only 15 years old. She confirmed the story. Gary said he saw them and that they were very graphic. He said she looked very much like she does today even at age 15. After the game Kimberly went into some weird thing where she asked everyone some weird questions. She told everyone to pretend that they're walking through the woods. Then she asked them what type of animals they saw. Then she asked them what the animal did when it saw them. She continued with about 6 more questions. Howard was trying to get her out of the studio but she said she had a point to all of this crap. At the end of it all she said that each answer related to something in their lives. Like the animals represented the problems in each of their lives. The way the animal reacted was related to the way everyone reacts to their problems. Howard knew it was a bunch of crap when she started it. He should have stopped it before it dragged on for 5 minutes.

• Director Betty Thomas Comes In. 6/23/98. 8:55am
  Betty Thomas came in to promote her latest movie ''Dr. Doolittle'' which stars Eddie Murphy as Dr. Doolittle. Betty directed Howard's movie ''Private Parts'' and became good friends with Howard. Betty had a little friend with her when she came in. Crystal the monkey was hanging out on her shoulder. Howard and Robin both said ''Awww, isn't that cute..'' some seldom heard words on the Howard Stern show. The monkey's trainer was there so he had it do a couple of tricks. Howard and Betty spent some time talking about Eddie Murphy. Betty said that Eddie is a fan of Howard's but he just won't do the show for some reason. Betty also mentioned some people who really liked ''Private Parts'', Steven Spielberg and Mick Jagger! Before Betty left she had to mention that the movie ''Can't Hardly Wait''. She produced the movie and it's in theaters now. It stars Jennifer Love Hewitt. The premiere for ''Dr. Doolittle'' is tonight and Betty wanted Robin to bring one of her horses. I guess everyone will have their pets with them. I don't think Robin was into doing that though. Can you imagine what a stinky mess that'll be?

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  -- Monday June 22, 1998 --

• Quote Of The Day. 6/22/98. 6:15am
  Obviously there wasn't much going on today since I'm writing about today's quote of the day. This was a show about nothing. Howard was pissed about the fact that Iranian people who live in the U.S. were thrilled that Iran beat the U.S. in a soccer game. He thinks that if they live in the States then they should support our team or go back to Iran. Howard said that we're not soccer players here so of course we were beaten in a game where you're not allowed to use your hands. So the quote that Howard used a few times this morning was ''A towel is not a hat!'' (like I said, it was a slow morning). Howard took a couple of calls from angry Iranians after his comments. They didn't make much of an argument though.

• Witch, Jennifer Hunter Calls In. 6/22/98. 7:00am
  This woman called in to plug her book 21st Century Wicca : A Young Witch's Guide to Living the Magical Life. Howard had her figured out before she had the chance to tell him anything. He said that a lot of Jewish women become these ''Wicca's'' for some reason. She was Jewish. Howard asked her if she was cute because most of these witches aren't. She said that she was cute and that she was an 8. She must have been talking about an 8 on a scale of 100 though. She's 5'7'' tall and weighs a whopping 185 pounds! Howard wanted her to teach him how to cast spells on people but she wouldn't do it. She can't do it because Howard would use the power for evil. Another nut, I mean witch, called in at one point and told Howard that when you use these powers the outcome comes back to you threefold. So if Howard cast a spell to make a woman fall in love with him then he'd be three times as in love with her as she was with him. Howard said that he wanted to cast some spells on people to bring them cancer. So I guess he'd get 3 different cancers? Jennifer claims that she had a special ESP bond with her mother when she was younger. She gave an example from when she was a little girl. Her mother was looking at a grape plant with no grapes on it. All of a sudden Jennifer started to say ''Grapes mommy, grapes''. So that's her special power. Really impressive huh?

• Goofing On Magic Johnson's Show Once Again. 6/22/98. 8:45am
  Howard was at it once again this morning. He spent a full hour playing tape of ''The Magic Hour'' tv show from last week. He probably got through about 10 minutes worth of ''The Magic Hour'' in that time. Howard is still willing to appear on ''The Magic Hour'' as long as they let him bring his band ''The Losers'' on with him. Not because it's a good show but because it will go down in history as the worst late night tv talk show.