Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 6/1/98 to 6/5/98

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-- Friday June 5, 1998 --
• Jim Carrey Calls In. 6/5/98. 7:55am
  Actor Jim Carrey called in to plug his new movie ''The Truman Show''. The movie opens today. Howard was kissing Jim's ass up and down today. He told him how great his appearance was on the final episode of ''The Larry Sanders Show'' on HBO. He was also telling him what a great talent he is. Howard has heard great things about this new movie. Jim was pretty laid back on the phone today. He must have been half asleep because he wasn't his usual wacky self. Howard brought up Jim's relationship with Lauren Holly a few times. Jim was married to Lauren for a while but they got divorced. Now they're back together but just living together. Howard also found out that Jim dated Linda Ronstadt for about 6 months years ago. Linda almost got in a fight with Robin when the two of them appeared on The Tonight Show a couple of years ago. Jim wouldn't say anything bad about Linda though. Jim's next project will be playing the part of comedian Andy Kaufman. Howard thinks that will be a great movie. Jim said that if he ever has the time he'll come in the studio to do an interview in person.

• The Mike Walker Gossip Game With Crackhead Bob. 6/5/98. 8:40am
  Crackhead Bob came in to play a quick Mike Walker gossip game. Bob's not much of a talker so Howard moved on to the game pretty quick. Bob had some things to plug but he didn't know what they were. Gary said that Bob usually comes in with his appearances pinned to his shirt but it wasn't there this morning.

  Each Friday Mike Walker calls in with four stories from his National Enquirer column. One of the stories is false so everyone tries to pick the false one. Here are this week's stories:

  1. Kirstie Alley has so many problems with her weight that she's mail ordered a bunch of the same clothing in 3 different sizes.
  2. Matt LeBlanc has a dog who likes to drink out of the toilet so he has a sign hanging in his bathroom asking people to put the seat down.
  3. Magician David Copperfield wears a foam rubber torso under his clothes to make him look more muscular than he is.
  4. Racquel Welch uses clothespins to tighten up her flabby upper arms when she has her picture taken.
  Howard picked number 4 as the false story. Robin picked number 1. Crackhead Bob and Jackie both chose number 2. The actual false story was number 2. Wow! Crackhead Bob is good! Bob thought that Matt LeBlanc was a woman but hey, he got it correct anyway. Congratulations to Bob and Jackie. Gary eventually found out that Bob will be out in Portland Oregon doing some festival for the station out there on June 21. On June 24 he'll be up in Toronto doing some festival for the station up there.

• Chris Crap The Ultimate Farting Machine. 6/5/98. 8:50am
  This 18 year old guy is the next big thing on the show. Chris is able to fart at will. He's able to suck air in through his ass and fart it out. He's even able to control it to a certain extent. Gary said that the guy demonstrated it in the green room and it was amazing. Howard had him demonstrate this amazing talent for a few minutes and Howard loved every second of it. Chris was able to make some really nasty sounding farts and even did an amazing duck impression by manipulating his ass cheeks while the fart was coming out. Chris claims that once he found this talent he did 850 farts in a row. Then he decided to break that record and did 1050 farts in a row! I know how Chris does this because I was able to do it when I was younger. You need relatively strong stomach muscles which I don't have anymore. Chris showed Howard how he discovered this amazing gift. He said that when he was like 8 years old he farted and rolled on his back. Then he sucked his stomach in and the air just sucked right in. Howard tried to do it himself but was unsuccessful. Everyone said it looked really gay. Howard told Chris that he's now an official member of the show because of this talent. By the end of it Howard had given Chris the name ''Chris Crap''. Howard had Chris farting along to the song ''It's A Gas'' for a little while. Howard asked him how long his longest fart ever was. Chris claimed that it lasted about 20 seconds. Howard had him try for that record again. Chris did his thing and let one slowly rip for about 13 seconds. Chris told Howard that sometimes he and his friends go to a mall and rip farts in front of old ladies just for fun. That led to the idea of having a hidden camera in an elevator to catch people's reaction to Chris farting. Hopefully that will make it to E! sometime soon. During the segment Howard mentioned this guy Joseph Pujol who was some famous French farter also known as Le Petomane. Howard told Chris that he could be just as famous if he worked on his farts a little more.

  Howard took a phone call from a woman who said that she wanted to smell Chris' farts in person but then she said ''..as long as they don't smell as bad as Gary's breath..''. Then Sal the Stockbroker came on and did his ''Horse toothed jackass'' thing. Howard invited the woman down anyway. A short time later Sal and the woman, Mona, showed up. The 45 year old woman actually stuck her head near Chris' as and smelled his farts. Then she took a whiff of Gary's breath. Of course she said that Gary's breath was worse than the farts.

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  -- Thursday June 4, 1998 (Replayed on Master Tape Theatre on Sunday, November 3, 2013) --

• Andy Dick Comes In. 6/4/98. 8:00am
  Actor/comedian Andy Dick came in to play with Howard today. Andy called Howard a couple of months ago and Howard loved it. At the time Andy was high on something so he was really funny and rambling. He was a little more laid back today because he went through rehab after his friends heard him rambling on the phone with Howard. As Andy walked in Howard announced that Scott DePace from E! heard Andy in the bathroom spurting some diarrhea. Andy said that he ate too many vitamin C pills last night and it went right through him. Howard asked Andy to guess how many jell beans are in the rotating Rosie O'Donnell jelly bean head but Andy didn't think it was funny. He likes Rosie so he didn't want to offend her.

  Howard and Andy spent quite a while talking about tons of stuff. Too much to list here. Andy, who sounds very effeminate, claims that he's not gay, he's bi-sexual. Howard teased him about that a bunch of times. Howard thinks he's gay. Andy has 3 kids with 2 different women and he said that the last time he had sex it was with a woman.

  They also spoke about the whole rehab thing. Andy said there was an intervention by a friend of his but he did check himself into the rehab center. Apparently he was in the rehab center with Tim Allen and Christian Slater. He didn't hang out with them but they were in the same place.

  At one point during the interview Melrose Larry Green called in with a story about Andy. Melrose has known Andy for a long time for some reason. One time Andy told Melrose that he was making a movie. He brought Melrose to an apartment and there was some strange stuff going on with some half dressed women. Andy had Melrose play the part of a voyeur. They didn't really say what happened with that movie though. Melrose asked Howard if he could plug a couple of things but Howard told him ''no'' and hung up on him.

  Andy co-starred with the late Phil Hartman on NBC's ''News Radio'' tv show. Howard tried to ask him a couple of things about Phil and his wife Brynn but Andy didn't want to talk about it.

  Before Andy left he wanted to do one of the songs he'll be doing at Irving Plaza in New York this Saturday. He had his guitar player come to back him up. No one had any idea what to expect and it was a surprise. Andy sang ''Little Brown Ring'', a song about a sphincter. It was really funny and so gay. After that Howard had Andy come over and sit on his lap for a minute or so. He even tickled Andy while he was on his lap.

• Bob Saget Comes In. 6/4/98. 8:55am
  Bob Saget, best known for his role on ''Full House'' and host of ''America's Funniest Home Videos'', came in to plug his latest project. Bob directed ''Dirty Work'' which stars Norm MacDonald. Howard was anxious to talk to Bob because he recently left his wife and family. He wanted all of the details of the break up and how Bob broke the news to his wife. Howard tried to get some info out of him but it wasn't working this morning. Bob told him a few details but not all of the good stuff he was looking for. Bob was married for 16 years and had 3 kids. They're split up now but not officially divorced. He has dated since breaking up with his wife. It sounded like Howard was jealous when Bob said he'd dated a woman in her 20's. Howard could be doing the same thing but he loves his money too much. Howard took some calls for Bob and one woman brought up an interesting fact. She said that Bob's wife actually died for a couple of minutes while giving birth to their first child. She was pointing that out because if she hadn't lived then Bob wouldn't have to go through this divorce now. Sick, but true.

  Bob just wanted to plug this new movie ''Dirty Work'' which opens on June 12. He has directed other things but this is his first feature film. He directed a film based on the life of his sister who died of some strange disease.

  Before Bob left he told Howard what happened with ''America's Funniest Home Videos''. He said that basically he was just sick of watching tapes of people getting hit in the nuts. The producers decided not to continue his contract because they knew that Bob didn't want to continue doing it.

• Everclear Performs Live. 6/4/98. 9:45am
  The band Everclear came in to perform a couple of songs. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the lead singer. He's been through some drug rehab stuff and jail. It turned out that all of the guys in the band have done some jail time. One guy did time because he assaulted a Public Safety Officer one time. They also talked about how the guy's father wasn't there for him when he was a kid. He said he wrote a song about that experience called ''Father of Mine'' which is on their new album So Much For The Afterglow. The guys performed their hit songs ''Santa Monica'' and ''Everything To Everyone''. They're playing a concert tonight at Roseland in New York City tonight. Howard wanted to go but they're going to be on a little late for him. Howard has to be in bed by 8:00 or so but they go on at 9:15. They mentioned that they cover the AC/DC song ''Sin City'' in their show so Howard had them give him a little sample of that. That was actually better than their own songs. They just did a minute or so of the song but it sounded pretty damn good.

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  -- Wednesday June 3, 1998 --

• Jackie T-Shirt Worn By Ben Affleck. 6/3/98. 6:05am
  Howard mentioned that he was watching some show last night where they were doing a story about actor Ben Affleck. They showed a clip of one of his movies called ''Glory Days''. In the movie Ben was wearing one of Jackie's ''I Stumped The JokeMan'' t-shirts. Howard said the t-shirt is really distracting because of how much writing there is on the shirt. Jackie seemed pretty proud that it was in the movie though. If you'd like your own Jackie t-shirt head over to Jokeland.com

• The Death Pool. 6/3/98. 6:55am
  Howard recently heard about a death pool where people basically bet on which celebrity will die next. He told Gary to put one together so today they set one up. Howard and the gang got a bunch of people and each person was to put $500 into the pool. When one of their celebrities dies, that person wins the pool. If nobody dies anytime soon then they each add $100 next month. They'll keep doing that until someone dies. There was supposed to be a total of 7 people playing but because of a Baba Booey screw up it turned out to be a total of 6 people or teams. It was Howard, Robin, Jackie and Fred then a team of 3 E! show crew. Gary and Tom Chiusano were the second team since they were the two who screwed up the whole thing. During a commercial break they picked all of the names from a hat and split them into groups of 16. There are a total of 96 celebrities including people like Howard, Jackie, Fred, Robin and attorney Dominic Barbara. There was some talk of trading names but Howard put a stop to that. Hopefully they won't trade because they'll screw up my list. You can keep track of the death pool yourself, just click here. If and when someone wins I'll update the list.

• Gary Garver Interviews. 6/3/98. 8:45am
  Gary Garver was out at some Starlight Foundation event in California. He interviewed Bobby Bonilla, Jimmy Smits and Luke Robitaille. Bobby Bonilla was pretty dumb. He didn't have an answer for many of the questions Gary asked. He asked things like ''What was your most embarrassing moment ever?'' and ''What happened on December 7, 1941?'' and Bonilla didn't have any idea. Jimmy Smits didn't want to answer Gary's questions because they weren't about the function he was at. He walked away after Gary asked ''Have you ever been attracted to another man?''. Howard rushed through the last interview because he had someone waiting on the phone. The last guy, Luke Robitaille, was only asked one question before Howard moved on to the next thing. Garver asked him ''Why are there so many Jews in the music industry''. Luke answered ''I guess because they know where all the money is..''

• Space Station Designer Gene Myers Calls In. 6/3/98. 8:50am
  This guy Gene Myers is in the process of putting together the first private space station. He claims that in 5 years or so he could have one up and running. All he needs is some sponsorship to support the cost. I believe he said it would run about $10 Billion to create it. Howard said that people could go there to have sex in zero gravity. Before this guy actually called in Howard was making it sound like it was already being sponsored. Gene said that he's only spoken to some possible sponsors. Virgin Airlines and Hilton Hotels are a couple of the companies he's talked to so far. None of them have agreed to do it but they are talking. Gene said in the beginning it would cost about $100,000 for a week at the space station. A few years after that the cost could come down to around $20,000. You can find out more if you visit his web site at www.spaceisland.com

• Ronnie The Limo Driver Passes Kidney Stone. 6/3/98. 9:45am
  Howard's limo driver has been out from work for about a month or so with kidney stones. He came back to work yesterday but he was still in pain from them. Today he was working again but he was still hurting. Howard figures he came to work because he was invited to go to Scores today. Ronnie was waiting for Howard down in the garage when he felt his last stone ready to head out. He went to the bathroom and took a leak. The stone got stuck near the end of his penis so he had to pull it out! OUCH! He came up to the studio and showed everyone. Everyone was amazed at how big the stone was. Howard said it looked like a piece of Rice Krispie cereal. I can't imagine the pain he must have felt.

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  -- Tuesday June 2, 1998 --

• KC's Celebrity Interviews. 6/2/98. 7:25am
  Associate Producer K.C. went to some movie premiere and got a few celebrity interviews. He got weatherman Al Roker, the Dunkin Donuts guy, Paul Sorvino, Harvey Weinstein, Michael Douglas and Fiona Apple. KC doesn't exactly look like a reporter so a bunch of the celebrities didn't believe him when he said he was from CBS Broadcasting. Fat man Al Roker pretty much refused to do an interview after KC asked him ''After the Phil Hartman incident, are you hiding all of your guns from your wife?''. That was a tough one for most of the celebs to answer. The next person interviewed was Michael Vale the Dunkin Donuts guy. He's the one who's best known for his ''Time to make the donuts'' line. KC walked with him for a few minutes and asked a few questions but when they got to some penis questions Michael walked away. The one that drove him over the edge was ''Did you ever put viagra in the donuts?''. Paul Sorvino pretty much avoided KC and wouldn't answer many of the questions. Same thing for Harvey Weinstein. Michael Douglas avoided KC when he started asking sex questions. The Fiona Apple interview was a little more entertaining. KC asked her ''Do you ever allow yourself to be photographed while on your period?'' but before she could answer he made a really funny choking sound. He did it on purpose as a goof and Howard loved it. He replayed the sound about 4 or 5 times before playing the rest of the interview. KC said that it was supposed to sound like a burp but it came out like a choke sound. Whatever it was, it was funny. KC asked Fiona a couple more questions but she got offended and ran off. Someone even took KC's question list for a minute. Believe it or not KC may be crazier than Stuttering John. He kept offering chicken wings to each celebrity. It was really funny stuff.

• Comedian Paul The Coonster Calls In. 6/2/98. 7:45am
  Paul The Coonster is a comedian who has cerebral palsy. He's unable to speak so he communicates with a computer. Howard said that he's seen the guy and he uses some kind of special helmet with a stick on it to poke the keys on the keyboard. The computer then speaks for him with a voice synthesizer. The guy can grunt a little bit so when Howard would ask him a question he would make a little noise and then poke his sentence into the computer. He started off with a bad joke that was barely understandable because of the computer voice. Howard asked him a few questions but it took him a while to answer them. Howard asked him if he's able to wipe himself after taking a dump. Paul eventually explained that he has an attendant that does that for him. The attendant makes $6 an hour to do that. Howard also asked him if he has groupies and if he gets laid. Paul said that he doesn't but he has gotten laid in the past by a woman who also had cerebral palsy. He's only able to move his head so it's not easy for him to have sex. Howard asked him if he's able to masturbate. He said yes but then typed out some lame joke about it. Howard took a few calls for the guy but didn't last too long with it because it was depressing. Paul will be appearing at The Funny Bone in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania on August 6. Don't ask how long it took him to type all of that info out...

• Randy The Nambla Guy Calls In. 6/2/98. 8:00am
  This guy by the name of Randy called in to complain about Howard's views on making drugs legal. Randy is a member of NAMBLA which is the North American Man Boy Love Association. In other words Randy is a child molester. He likes to find young boys, around 9 or so, and take them home to perform sex acts with them. Randy thinks that it's not fair for Howard to think that drugs should be legalized without legalizing man-boy love. That's ridiculous of course. The guy told Howard that his life was ruined when an 11 year old boy turned him in for having sex with him. Randy went to jail for 6 years and now he has a $6 an hour job. He said that he's a college graduate and used to be an executive at a fortune 500 company. Now he's just a convicted child molester with a $6 an hour job. Howard asked him how old the youngest boy was that he ever got. The kid was 9! He likes to pick them up at arcades and takes them home to play Nintendo games. He said that he likes to pick up run away kids because they need someone to love them. He thinks he's giving them love but he's actually just using them for his own bizarre sexual needs. He even gives the young boys alcohol to relax them. Howard took a bunch of calls from angry listeners and they all think this guy is totally screwed up. Robin even took her turn to yell at this guy about how he's messing with kid's heads doing this stuff. A 12 year old girl who had been raped recently called in to give the kid's side of the story too. There was also a guy who called in and said that he was molested as a child but he enjoyed the sexual part of it. He say's that he's with a woman now but he still gets the urge to be with a man. Howard kept Randy on the phone for a good half hour or so. Randy will probably continue to do this so keep an eye on your kids.

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  -- Monday June 1, 1998 --

• Howard's Day At The Beach. 6/1/98. 6:25am
  Howard spent some time at the ''Revenge of The K-Rock Dysfunctional Family Picnic'' concert this weekend. He mentioned on Friday that he might ride his bike over to the concert because it was fairly close to his house. He didn't ride his bike over but he did go to the concert. He ended up taking his wife, his daughter and her friend. Howard spent a little time at the concert and got to introduce Green Day and Scott Weiland. He thought it was kind of odd when his program director asked him to introduce Green Day about a half hour before they were ready to perform. Howard said that he only saw Fred for a minute or two and he didn't see Jackie at all even though he was there. Same thing with Stuttering John. Howard's 15 year old daughter fell in love with Trey Cool of Green Day. Howard doesn't want her into anything like that though. After Green Day did their set, Trey lit his drum set on fire. Then his foot caught fire! When security guys went to put out the fire Trey got really pissed and tried to stop them. Howard loved it and thinks that Trey is a great drum player but he sure as hell won't let his daughter get involved with someone like that. Howard didn't stick around for the whole show because he got tired. K-Rock Online should have some pics from the concert so head over to www.krockonline.com to check them out.

• Amy Lynn Calls In. 6/1/98. 7:30am
  Last Thursday stripper Amy Lynn came in and told Howard a story about her movie audition with Robert DeNiro. She explained how she did a one on one audition with the famous actor and rehearsed a love scene. Howard thought it was kind of strange to have a one on one audition. This morning he had the woman who actually got the part on the phone. Donna Marie Recco is the woman who got the part. Howard had Donna tell Amy how her audition went. Donna said that when she did her audition she had the director, 2 casting agents and a cameraman in the room with her. Howard just wanted to show Amy what a scam it was for DeNiro to get her alone in his office to do an audition. Amy still thinks that DeNiro didn't do anything wrong and if he had she would have walked out of the room.

• Gary Stuck In Boston. 6/1/98. 8:00am
  Howard's pissed at his producer Gary. Gary was up in Boston doing an appearance at a WBCN concert. He was supposed to fly home last night but his flight was canceled because of some nasty thunderstorms that blew through the New York area. Boston is only about 4 hours away from New York so he could have rented a car later in the evening and driven down but he didn't do that. Gary called in at one point during the show and explained why he wasn't there but Howard didn't want to hear the excuses. He really thinks that Gary should have made some effort to get to work. He told Gary that he doesn't want him doing any more appearances on Sunday's because there's a chance he wouldn't make it back in time. In the mean time KC and Stuttering John were producing the show. Gary did show up around 10:45 this morning. Howard didn't sound like he was in the mood to talk to him so he kicked him out.

• The Kissing Twin Sisters. 6/1/98. 8:20am
  These two girls, Jessica and Jennifer, called in recently claiming that they are sisters who love to kiss each other. Howard invited them to come in so he could see them kiss. Howard probably hoped that they'd be really good looking but they weren't. When they first walked in Howard said that he wasn't even sure if they were women. The two women are strippers from Portland. Howard said that they have good bodies but bad faces. Howard pointed out some of their bad points. Their teeth were bad and they had very small breasts. He also said that their asses were pretty bad too. He interviewed them for a little while and found out that they each have 2 kids by 2 different men. They've been stripping since they were 20. They eventually took off their tops and kissed each other. They said that they don't have sex with each other though. It's only kissing for entertainment. Howard and Jackie rated the girls a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. Jackie said that they went up to an 8 when they kissed each other. Howard pointed out that they would be perfect for the upcoming ''Frankenstein Contest''. In that contest the winner gets free breast implants, a nose job and some liposuction. Howard thinks that if they did all of that plus got their teeth fixed they could be 9's. If and when that happens you can read about it right here.

• Trey Cool Of Green Day Checks In. 6/1/98. 9:10am
  Trey Cool, drummer for Green Day, called in to talk to Howard for a few minutes. Trey was very laid back while on the phone this morning which is unusual for the guy. I've seen him on MTV and he's usually very hyper. Howard talked to him about how he set his drums on fire at the K-Rock Dysfunctional Family Picnic on Saturday. Luckily he wasn't injured when his foot caught fire. He said that his hand caught fire yesterday at another concert. Howard also told Trey about how his daughter fell in love with him. Howard later joked that Trey was behaving himself on the phone because he's going to be Howard's son-in-law some day. Before Trey left he said that he has to go to court today because the band is getting sued over a riot at a concert back in 1994. He asked Howard to wish him luck in the case.