Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 4/20/98 to 4/24/98

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-- Friday April 24, 1998 --
• Jason Alexander, A Man Of His Word. 4/24/98. 7:00am
  On Wednesday when Jason Alexander was in he said that he would mention Howard in his speech up at Boston University. Well he wasn't kidding. Howard had tape of the speech and Jason brought Howard's name up and recommended that Boston University do some type of tribute to Howard. B.U. Has ignored Howard for all of these years and it's really pissed him off. Howard actually graduated the college and made something of himself. Jason Alexander never finished his schooling up there yet they give him an honorary doctorate because he's famous. Maybe some day B.U. will recognize what Howard has done.

• The First Annual Small Penis Invitational. 4/24/98. 7:50am
  This contest was held to give away a trip to mexico with a bunch of porno stars. Howard invited about 20 guys down who claimed they had really small penis'. There were 3 guest judges plus the regulars like Howard and Robin. George is a fan from Chicago who just showed up this morning. He had a speech impediment so he fit right it. The impediment is caused by a cleft pallet. The second judge was the guy who does the Marv Albert impression so Howard called him Marv the whole time. The third guest judge was Gay Rich. Rich used to be an intern on Howard's show. He moved on to better things but came in to judge the contest today. There was a hell of a lot going on with this contest. There were a total of 16 contestants who actually came in the studio naked to show their small packages. The first guy almost won immediately. He had big man breasts and hardly any penis. After that there were tons of guys just showing off their tiny packages. Some of the guys who thought they were small changed their minds after seeing how small some of the others were. After all 16 introduced themselves the judges whittled down the list to 3 finalists. Those three were Philipe, Paul and Gary.

  The three finalists then moved on to the talent portion of the game. Philipe was the first up. He was dressed like a construction worker. Howard asked him some personality questions then had him sing a song parody to an Elvis song. Paul was up next. He was dressed like a cowboy. Howard did the personality questions then had him sing ''I Just Can't Find My Glands'' to the tune of ''I Wanna Hold Your Hand''. The final contestant was Gary. Gary was dressed up like a police officer. He answered a couple of personality questions then sang his song ''Teenie Weenie'' to the tune of ''Proud Mary''. They all performed quite well under pressure. After taking a break and tabulating the scores Baba Booey came back with the results. The winner was Paul. Second place when to Philipe and last went to Gary.

  After the winner was announced the guy who set everything up, Scott Stein, called in with some good news. All three finalists get to go on the trip! Plus, Howard will be taking all of the guys who were in the contest to Scores for a special party. If you'd like to get in on the porno trip yourself you can call 1-800-995-2583.

• The Mike Walker Game With Guest Lorna Luft. 4/24/98. 9:20am
  Lorna Luft is the daughter of the late Judy Garland and the half sister of Liza Minelli. She's written book entitled Me and My Shadows, a Family Memoir : Living With the Legacy of Judy Garland. Howard talked to her a bit about her life growing up as Judy Garland's kid before playing the Mike Walker gossip game. She wrote the book about how messed up her mother was but then she was defending her while she was talking to Howard. It was kind of weird. Howard then moved on to the game so here's how it went. Mike Walker from The National Enquirer calls in with 4 gossip stories. One of the stories is false and the object is to pick that false story out. Here are this week's four stories:
  1. Faye Dunnaway tried to sneak into first class on a recent airline flight. She complained that there was a crying baby near her in coach but the flight attendants kicked her out.
  2. Drew Barrymore went on an uncontrollable moped joy ride. She almost hit a mail truck and ended up crashing into some bushes. When the mail man picked her up she said ''Wow! What a rush, let's do that again!''
  3. Nicolas Cage is supposed to get dressed up as Elvis for a friends upcoming wedding.
  4. Leonardo Decaprio went to secret meeting with Oliver Stone and was mobbed by tons of young women.
  The false story was so obvious this week that everyone picked it out immediately. It was number 3. Howard almost picked another one but then said that it was too easy and picked the Nicolas Cage story. Mike was a little off this week. Probably because he only got 4 hours of sleep and he's judging a Hawaiian Tropic beauty pageant out in Las Vegas. Maybe he'll have a better one next week. Lorna stayed on the phone with Howard for a little while longer. She was still defending her mother's horrible behavior when Howard would bring something up out of the book. Howard told her that she should seek counseling.

• Matt Lauer Comes In. 4/24/98. 9:45am
  Matt Lauer, one of the hosts of The Today Show, came in to promote something he's doing on the show next week. Howard has known Matt for quite some time. They knew him when he was barely in show business and was getting ready to go back to landscaping. Next week on The Today Show Matt will be traveling around Europe going to a different country each day. He said that he's not telling his co-hosts what country he'll be in so it'll be a surprise to everyone. Since Howard knows Matt so well he goofed on him for most of the interview. There wasn't that much else going on with him.

• Another Useless Talent. 4/24/98. 10:10am
  A guy called in claiming that he could say ''Baba Booey'' 25 times in 10 seconds. Howard thought it would be cool so he had the guy do it. Well, he was able to do it and actually said it about 26 or 27 times in the 10 second period. Howard hung up on him and said that it was just another one of those useless talents that can never be used anywhere. It was actually kind of funny and I'm sure Fred will be playing the sound at some point when Gary walks into the studio.

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  -- Thursday April 23, 1998 --

• Howard's Kids Visit For ''Bring Your Daughter To Work Day''. 4/23/98. 6:00am
  Howard's daughters Emily and Debra were in the studio this morning. They convinced Howard to bring them in for this bring your daughter to work day thing. They got to hang out in the studio for most of the morning. Howard had them leave when things got a little too graphic like during guess who's the virgin. Howard tried to keep things clean during the show but he couldn't hold out the whole time.

• Howard Sick Of ''Skunk''. 4/23/98. 7:05am
  It's funny, yesterday I got an e-mail from someone claiming to be the producer who remixed Howard's song ''Skunk''. The guy said that Howard loved what he'd done with the song. Today Howard trashed the song for about 10 minutes and said that he hated what the song had turned into. John Popper of Blues Traveler was out in the green room and also said that the song sucked. John called it a ''garage band nightmare'' and hoped that there wouldn't be any more versions of the song at all. Howard had the same idea. He said to throw it in the garbage. Stuttering John was defending the song but it didn't seem to help any. Howard took a couple of calls from listeners who think that the song is pretty good but most of them seem to like the parts where Fred is singing and not when John is singing. I'm not trashing John because I actually bought his album and enjoyed it. It's the listeners who think that Fred is the better singer.

• John Popper Plays Guess Who's The Virgin. 4/23/98. 7:20am
  After John Popper gave his poor review of Howard's song ''Skunk'' he stuck around to play a couple of games. The first game was Guess Who's The Virgin. Three women came in to tell stories about how they were still virgins. Only one of the women was actually a virgin. There was Amy, a 20 year old orthodox Jew who backed out of having sex after getting drunk. Alison, a 25 year old who claimed that she had an infection in her private parts that prevented her from finishing the act. The last woman was Wenchen, a Taiwanese woman who said she was afraid of her father so she never had sex. Robin picked Alison as the virgin, John Popper, Howard, Jackie and Fred all picked Wenchen as the virgin. The actual virgin turned out to be Amy! Howard was really surprised because he said she looked like she was really horny. John Popper hung around to play the next game also.

• The Miss America Homeless Game. 4/23/98. 8:30am
  This interview turned into a weird spin on the Homeless Game that Howard and the gang play. Gary Garver out in California got an interview with Miss America so he asked her a bunch of stupid questions. John Popper was still hanging around so he played also. Everyone was betting on how she would answer. Here are the questions and answers:

  Question	Miss America's Answer	Correct?
  How many pencils are in a gross?	One hundred forty four	Y
  Who wrote ''The Ugly Duckling''?	absolutely no idea	N
  What does ''WWW'' stand for?	I don't know I don't watch wrestling/actually world wide web	Y
  What's the state capital of New York?	Albany	Y
  Which is colder the north or the south pole?	Couldn't tell ya	N
  How many sides are on a pentagon?	Five	Y
  Who was the Soviet leader during World War 2?	Stalin	Y

  The last question ''Who was the inventor of the Polio vaccine?'' freaked Miss America out so she refused to answer anymore because she felt they could make her look stupid. Good call on her part! Gary was then kicked out of the place.

• Carl Stevenson Comes In. 4/23/98. 9:10am
  This guy helped Beck write the music for his hit song ''Loser'' years ago. He came in today to plug his album Forest For The Trees and to talk about his mental illness. He self admitted himself to a mental institution because he was obsessing on his songs and stuff like that. It was driving him crazy so he got some help. When Howard read Carl's bio he got the impression that Carl was in an institution for a long time. It turns out he was only in there for about a month. Gary also got the impression that if you asked Carl certain questions he would just space out and not be able to answer them. Carl wasn't that way at all. He answered all of the questions and didn't seem spaced out at all. Carl had a guy by the name of Squeaky G with him. Squeaky is a human beat box. In other words he makes drum sounds with his mouth. The two of them jammed with John Popper when they were in the green room. They also performed a little jam for Howard in the studio. Carl played the violin and Squeaky did his drum thing. It was actually pretty good. Howard played ''Dream'' which is one of the songs off of their album. It sounded a bit like some of Beck's stuff. It was kind of weird because it had bag pipes in it.

• Sting And Trudy Call In. 4/23/98. 9:45am
  Singer Sting and his wife Trudy called in to talk with Howard for a couple of minutes. They're plugging their annual Rain Forest concert. Howard talked to them about how they get to go to all of the cool funerals like Gianni Versace and Princess Diana's. Howard didn't spend too much time with them on the phone since it was getting kind of late in the show.

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  -- Wednesday April 22, 1998 --

• Jason Alexander Comes In. 4/22/98. 7:30am
  Actor Jason Alexander who plays George Costanza on NBC's Seinfeld came in just to visit this morning. He wasn't in town to promote anything in particular but the last episode of Seinfeld is coming up in May. Howard has been talking about what a great hype NBC is creating for the last episode. He says that every day there's a new article about the show and it's amazing how much attention the show is getting. Everything surrounding the last show is a big secret. Everyone who was a part of the show had to sign a non-disclosure contract and they didn't see the whole script. Jason said he has seen the whole script and has a copy of it at home. He also said that his real wife makes an appearance in the episode. That's about all he said about the show though. He wasn't giving any hints as to what will happen on that show. The last Seinfeld episode is scheduled to run on May 14. Jason will be directing a movie this summer. He didn't say what the name of the movie is but maybe he'll come back when the movie is done. He and Howard also talked about the movie North that Jason appeared in. That one ''..was a stinker'' Jason said. He's not too proud of that movie. It was directed by Rob Reiner so it had potential but Jason said they knew it stunk after seeing the first screening. Before Jason left he mentioned that he would be making a speech up at Boston University, Howard's alma matter. Jason said he received an honorary doctorate from the college even though he didn't graduate. That pissed Howard off because Howard did graduate and the college pretty much ignores him. Jason said that he would bring that up in his speech tonight. Howard said he'd like to send the E! camera along to tape it. Then Howard put the word out about getting his own honorary doctorate. He said that he would accept an honorary doctorate from any college willing to give it to him. Then it would be the Dr. Howard Stern Show.

• Lou Diamond Phillips Comes In A Day Late. 4/22/98. 8:30am
  It seems that there was a little bit of confusion yesterday. Gary said that Lou was scheduled to come in and do the show at 7:30 yesterday but he never showed up. Howard thought it was because he was talking about the way Lou's wife left him for another woman. Well that wasn't the reason at all. It turned out to be a misunderstanding between Gary and Lou's publicist. So Lou wasn't mad at Howard when he showed up today. One of the first things Howard brought up was Rosie O'Donnell. Howard has a giant Rosie head filled with jelly beans in the studio. Since Lou just did Rosie's show yesterday Howard asked him just how many jelly beans were in her spinning head. Lou guessed 1,400,075. WOW! That's a lot of jelly beans! His guess was incorrect but probably close. Hopefully this will become a regular thing on the show. Howard spent the rest of the interview talking to Lou about his ex-wife and how she fell in love with singer Melissa Etheridge. Howard really feels bad for Lou. That happened years ago and Lou say's he's gotten over it. He's got a really cute new wife now so he's over it. His ex-wife was an assistant director on one of Melissa's music videos. Somehow the two of them fell in love and ruined Lou's marriage. Lou told Howard how he found out that Julie was a lesbian. 20 minutes before he was set to go to work one day, Julie came up to him and said ''I slept with Melissa..''. The rest is history. They got a divorce and now no longer speak to each other. Lou is in a new movie called The Big Hit that opens this Friday.

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  -- Tuesday April 21, 1998 --

• Guess How Many Jelly Beans Fit In Rosie O'Donnell's Head. 4/21/98. 6:05am
  Howard has something new in the studio. It's a big jar with Rosie O'Donnell's face on it filled with jelly beans. I think it sits on something that spins around. What they're planning to do is have guests guess how many jelly beans are in the jar. Howard said that Ralph spent 2 weeks designing this thing but all it turned out to be was a jar with a picture of Rosie stuck on it. He was also supposed to let Gary know exactly how many beans were in the jar. He thought it would be funny not to tell him yesterday when it was done so it turned into a big nightmare this morning. Howard got really pissed off at Ralph and said that they wouldn't mention his name on the show again. That would have made a lot of people happy but a few minutes later Howard was talking to Ralph on the phone.

• Howard's Song ''Skunk'' Remixed. 4/21/98. 7:25am
  For those of you who don't know already, Howard recorded a song with Stuttering John, Fred and some other guy on drums. Howard wrote the music and John wrote the lyrics. John had a producer take the song into a studio to remix it. The guy brought one version in last week but it wasn't what Howard wanted. The producer took it back to the studio and mixed it again. He brought it back today but it still wasn't what Howard was looking for. By the time he'd played it for a few minutes I think he was ready to toss it in the garbage. Stuttering John is ready to release it as a single because he thinks it's great. Maybe if they replaced John's singing with Fred's and changed the lyrics around a bit it could sell... I doubt it. Hopefully this is the last we'll hear of this song.

• Lou Diamond Phillips A No-Show! 4/21/98. 7:55am
  Actor Lou Diamond Phillips was scheduled to come in around 7:30 this morning. He never showed up and Gary said that he never got a phone call telling him that Lou was canceling. His not showing up may have had something to do with the fact that Howard was talking about him earlier in the morning. The last time Lou was on the show he and Howard talked about how Lou's wife turned lesbo and left him for Melissa Etheridge. Howard mentioned that earlier in the morning and it may have scared Lou away from the show. He was supposed to be promoting a new film that he's in. Since he didn't show up Gary said that they wouldn't mention which one it is.

• Author Of ''Who Killed Kurt Cobain'' Calls In. 4/21/98. 8:50am
  Max Wallace, one of the two authors of Who Killed Kurt Cobain : The Mysterious Death of an Icon, called in to promote the book. Kurt was the lead singer of Nirvana who died of a gunshot wound to his head back in 1994. According to Max and his partner Ian Halperin Kurt may not have committed suicide. Kurt's death was officially called a suicide but Max and Ian put the facts together and it looks like it could have been murder. Max told Howard a bunch of the facts and it all sounded pretty convincing. Here are a few of those facts:
  • Some guy claimed that Kurt's wife Courtney Love approached him and offered to give him $50,000 to blow Kurt's head off. He said no and was found dead on some railroad tracks not long after.
  • There were no fingerprints on the gun, the shotgun shells or the pen used to write the suicide note.
  • His credit card was used after his death.
  Those were just a few of the things Max talked about. Max also said that Courtney's father believes that she could have had something to do with the death. Howard took some phone calls from listeners who think this guy is just some nutty fan who took his theories too far. Max and Ian are not just a couple of nuts. They've gotten awards for their investigative reports in the past. Maybe they've got something here. You can find out more about the book by clicking on the book title above.

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  -- Monday April 20, 1998 --

• Walter Koenig Calls In. 4/20/98. 7:35am
  Walter Koenig who played Chekov on the original Star Trek TV series called in to plug his book Warped Factors : A Neurotic's Guide to the Universe. He and Howard spent a little while talking about things like how Walter thought that he might have been gay when he was a young man. They also talked a little bit about working with William Shatner on the Star Trek series. I wish I had more details but the phone that Koenig called in on sucked and I could barely hear what the hell he was saying. There were a couple of other things I caught when I could hear what he was saying...
  • Walter is now on the Babylon 5 TV series.
  • He dated a Ms. America contestant at one time.
  • He says that William Shatner doesn't write his own books.

• Woman Who Will Do Anything For Howard. 4/20/98. 8:45am
  This phone caller started out as a woman who was really thrilled to talk to Howard. She was calling from California and was extremely happy to talk to Howard when he picked up the line. Howard spoke to her for a minute then started having her do things to prove she likes him. He had her go outside and ''use the phone as a carrot'' if you can picture that. She went out and claimed she was doing it. At one point you could hear the phone being rustled against something after Howard told her to use it as a carrot. Then he told her to go to her neighbor's house naked to prove herself. She said that she doesn't have any close neighbors and she didn't have a cellular phone. Howard actually wanted her to go down to a local 7-Eleven naked and prove herself. Well since she didn't have a cellular phone Howard said that they'd Fed-Ex one out to her today and they'd talk to her tomorrow. Stay tuned to find out what happens tomorrow!

• The Awful Portrait Of Howard. 4/20/98. 9:30am
  The mother of Mike The Intern, who played and sang with Van Halen when they came in, painted a portrait of Howard as a thank you for getting her son hooked up with Van Halen. Mike brought the painting in this morning and Howard was repulsed by it. He absolutely hated the painting. He and Robin both said it didn't look a thing like him. Howard said the nose was worse than it is in real life. Howard said that Mike's mother is no artist. He was so disgusted by the painting that he threatened to kick through it. Mike begged him not to but guess what, he kicked it anyway! Howard kicked at it repeatedly. It must not have gone all the way through the canvas because he had to take a knife and slice it up just to make sure it was destroyed. It may have been one of the cruelest things Howard has ever done.. it was also one of the funniest things I've heard. I think Mike was really upset about it. I even think Jackie tried to stop Howard from destroying the thing but it didn't help. It'll be interesting to find out how Mike's mother reacted to the news. Hopefully we'll hear about that tomorrow.

• Crackhead Bob Drops In. 4/20/98. 9:55am
  Crackhead Bob was in the area this morning on business so he stopped in to say hello...well he attempted to say stuff but it's hard for him. He was promoting some cruise that he's going toto be on. When he came in it sounded like he was going to be the host of a small penis cruise. Howard is holding a small penis contest on Friday to give away a porno trip but that's not what Bob is doing. Since Bob can barely speak they couldn't really confirm what he would be doing. Bob tried to explain it but the words just wouldn't come out. Later in the show Gary had the correct information which turned out to be a 3 day cruise with 40 porno stars. You should be able to find out more information on Bob's web site at www.pegasusconcerts.com/crack.htm