Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 4/13/98 to 4/17/98

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-- Friday April 17, 1998 --
• Riley The Alien Abductee Calls In. 4/17/98. 6:15am
  Riley Martin the wacky alien abductee called in to ramble on about some of the weird UFO sightings out in Phoenix. You couldn't hear what Riley was saying because Howard was talking over him. Howard didn't think that anyone would care about what he was talking about so he turned down Riley and talked over him. Riley was plugging his book and his ''symbols'' which are actually like tickets to get on an alien mother ship when they come to evacuate the planet in the year 2011 or so... wacky huh? If you want to contact Riley here's the number: 818-692-2605.

• Howard's Phony Phone Call On Frank Gifford. 4/17/98. 6:45am
  Frank Gifford and Pat Summerall were doing some kind of phone press conference for an NFL Films movie that's coming out. Howard somehow got in on the press conference posing as a reporter by the name of Ed Johnson. When Howard's turn came around he asked Frank if it was true that he found a lump in his wife Kathie Lee's breast. Frank had no comment for that question. Then Howard asked if Frank still loves Kathie Lee. He had no comment for that and someone told Howard to stick to the subject of the movie they were promoting. Then Howard says ''Who has nicer breasts, Kathie Lee or Suzen Johnson?'' and all hell broke loose. The people doing the press conference freaked out and there was all kinds of stuff going on in the background as they got rid of Howard. It was a great call. Howard said that he ran out of the room after making the call even though it was just on the phone.

• Breast Enhancing ERDIC Pill. 4/17/98. 7:25am
  A couple of women called Howard this morning talking about how this new pill Erdic can make women's breasts enlarge. One woman said she went from an A-cup to a C-cup. She said that the results are permanent. Apparently you take the pill until you're the size you want to be then you stop and your breasts stay that size. You can read more about it at www.bustingout.com

• Kielbasa Queen Shows Off Her Breast Implants. 4/17/98. 7:30am
  The Kielbasa Queen, who has been on Howard's show for years and appeared in Private Parts, came in today to show off her new DD-cup breasts today. She used to have little A-cup breasts but she just recently went to a huge DD-cup. She brought a couple of friends with her too. Her pal Dallas Deep Throat and porno actress Lisa Lips were in the studio. Lisa Lips has a 112 LLL-cup breast size. Howard was amazed by the size of them. She even let him feel them. Dallas Deep Throat swallows up to two feet of one of those long thin balloons they make balloon animals out of. She demonstrated it for Howard once again this morning. Kielbasa Queen demonstrated her swallowing also. K-Queen and Dallas were plugging their web site www.kqueen.com. They said that they have pictures of K-Queen's new breasts on the site so you might want to check it out.

• The Homeless Game. 4/17/98. 8:00am
  Howard had some tickets to give away for the upcoming Rain Forest Concert in New York. He got a couple of guys on the phone and gave away the tickets. The object of the game is to guess whether the homeless person will answer these questions correctly or not. The first caller got a couple of warm up questions so here they are:
  • Who is Ronald Reagan? - The ex-president and actor
  • How many states in the United States? - Fifty four
  So you can see the guy is kind of smart but not really. Here are the questions the caller heard. He was supposed to guess 3 out of 5 correctly but when he lost Howard gave him a bonus and he ended up winning the tickets.

  Question	Caller Says	Homeless Answer	Correct Answer?
  What is H20?	Y	Water	Y
  What do you call a woman married to a king?	Y	Princess	N
  What is paper made out of?	N	Trees	Y
  Point To your proboscis.	N	My nose	Y
  Name 5 senses.	N	Sight, smell, hearing, sound	N

  After that guy won Howard and the gang bet on some of the questions. Howard also let a couple of other callers win tickets but he only did one question each for them so I just included them in the list below:

  Question	Answer	Correct?
  If you bump your cranium where would you have hurt?	I think my knee	N
  Name a country in Europe.	France	Y
  What does CD stand for?	Compact disc	Y
  Who is the Vice President of this country?	Gore	Y
  Where does pork come from?	Pigs	Y
  What vegetable is a pickle made from?	From a pig	N
  How many members were in the Beetles?	Five	N
  How many cards are in a deck?	Fifty two	Y
  Name 2 most popular political parties in America.	Republicans and democrats	Y
  Name one food considered poultry.	Broccoli	N
  Who was the first president of U.S.	George Washington	Y
  Where is the capital of the United States located?	Albany, upstate New York	N
  How many years are in a decade?	12 years	N
  How many months are in a year?	12 months	Y
  What does the He in H20 stand for?	Hydrogen	Y
  What part of the body does a dermatologist take care of?	Teeth	N
  Who is Lew Alcinder?	Singer I think	N
  How many dimes in a dollar?	Ten	Y
  What is the anus?	Maybe coins	N
  What tall building in NY has the initials W.T.C.?	World Trade Center	Y

• The Mike Walker Game With Guest Bobby Slayton. 4/17/98. 8:47am
  Comedian Bobby Slayton came in to play The Mike Walker Gossip Game today. Bobby was promoting his new album Raging Bully. Bobby and Howard talked a few minutes before playing the game. Bobby was pretty funny this morning and he's a great stand-up comedian. Mike Walker called in with this week's 4 stories so here we go. Mike calls in with 4 stories, one of them is false, try to pick it out:
  1. Kathie Lee is upset with the way Al Franken treated her when he filled in for Regis Philbin on the Regis & Kathie Lee tv show.
  2. While filming the new Lethal Weapon 4 movie Joe Peschi fell into a river and almost got hit by a boat. He was pulled back to the dock and it took hours for him to gain his composure.
  3. Actress Jenna Elfman's poodle had some problems with it's hips or something. The vet told her she should think about putting it to sleep so she took it in for acupuncture and the dog is now fine.
  4. While Tom Hanks was trying on some clothes at a clothing store his pants were accidentally bundled with another customers items and taken across town. Hanks had to wait around for about 45 minutes for his pants and wallet to be returned.
  Bobby Slayton picked number 2 as the false story. Robin and Jackie both chose number 4 and Howard picked number 1. The actual false story was number 3. Nobody got it correct this week. Bobby stuck around for a little while after the game. He and Howard were talking quite a bit about porn, marriage and masturbation.

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  -- Thursday April 16, 1998 --

• Link To Factoids Howard Has Been Reading. 4/16/98.
  Howard has been talking about some interesting little facts that his buddy Jeff Schick sent him. The one he's been focusing on lately is that a duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why. A fan sent me the link to the site where the factoids are listed. Here's the link: www.wisdomwork.com/oracle/factoids.htm

• Joey Buttafuoco Calls In. 4/16/98. 6:20am
  Howard talked to Joey Buttafuoco real quick this morning. Joey has a tv show that will be shown on a cable access channel out in California tonight. He interview's Divine Brown, the prostitute who was caught with Hugh Grant a few years back. Howard didn't spend much time actually talking to Joey because he went off on another subject. I think he forgot that Joey was even on the phone. Good luck trying to find his show!

• High Pitched Eric Comes In With New Girlfriend!? 4/16/98. 7:15am
  High Pitched Eric came in with Melissa, a woman he was calling his new girlfriend. No one believed that he was telling the truth about it because she was too cute to be his girlfriend. It turns out that they've only been out on one date and it was a blind date. It was a friend of a friend who set them up. Melissa admitted that she initially went out with Eric because he's been on Howard's show. Howard asked her if she was being paid to come on the show today but she swore that she wasn't. Howard told the two of them to kiss to prove that they were an item so Eric moved in but it was just a peck and Melissa backed away pretty quick. There still wasn't anyone believing that they were a couple. A couple minutes later someone told them to tongue kiss to prove that they liked each other. Eric went for it and it worked. Howard said that maybe they were a couple. This was Eric's third try at convincing people that he had a girlfriend. Last time the girl broke up with him and his ''escort'' called in but didn't show up. Gary thinks that airtime is Eric's drug so he tries to get on the show as hard as he can. We'll see if they stay a couple. Maybe Melissa will get addicted to the airtime drug and stay with Eric just for that.

• Authors Of ''The Art Of The Shmooze'' Come In. 4/16/98. 8:10am
  Bret Saxon and Steve Stein came in to plug their new book The Art of the Shmooze : A Savvy Social Guide for Getting to the Top. These guys have worked out ways to get into events like The Grammy Awards, The Oscars and other major celebrity events. They've also come up with ways of shmoozing their way into first class on airlines. These guys are just normal guys. One of them is a washer/dryer salesman and the other one is in law school. The book explains how they've gone about doing it and how you can do it too. They've helped out getting Stuttering John into some events also. They explained a few of their tricks today. They've worked with companies like Rolls Royce to get celebrities to drive their cars to a certain event. It's pretty cool how they go about doing it. These guys were on the show a couple of years ago. Back then they were plugging their book How to Meet and Hang Out With the Stars : A Totally Unauthorized Guide. That book was pretty interesting so I'm sure the new one is even more so. They started out in high school by sneaking back stage at a Duran Duran concert and getting pictures taken with the band. Now celebrities like Jerry Seinfeld and Kelsey Grammar know them by name!

• Singer James Brown Calls In. 4/16/98. 8:55am
  The Godfather Of Soul, James Brown, called in to plug an appearance he's making down at the Trump Plaza Casino in Atlantic City this Saturday night. James was supposed to call in earlier in the week but he was nowhere to be found. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the guy. Howard asked him about who he's dating now that his wife is dead. James is with a 30 year old woman now. James is a fan of Howard's E! show and said he saw Private Parts and enjoyed it. James also mentioned something about Eddie Murphy playing him in a movie called Holy Man. I don't know if the movie is already in production or what's going on with that. After the interview Gary came in and said he made a big mistake before James was on the air. He said that Stuttering John got a call from someone claiming to be James but he wasn't sure if it was the real one or not. John had Gary come over to talk to James to find out if it was him. Gary asked the caller if he was James Brown and he gave him the famous James Brown yell. Gary figured that the real James Brown wouldn't do that so he said ''this isn't James Brown..'' and hung up on him. A few minutes later a woman called Gary freaking out that someone had hung up on Mr. Brown. Gary said he didn't know what she was talking about. He denied knowing that someone did it. Smooth move Baba Booey!

• Howard Talks To Comedian Elan Gold. 4/16/98. 9:55am
  Howard was reading a review of a new tv show called ''You're The One'' which is supposed to debut this Sunday night at 9:30 on the WB Network. The show stars comedian Elan Gold who Howard knows because the guy does a great impression of Howard. Anyway the reviewer gave the show a -10 star rating. That's right, a negative 10 star rating! The reviewer hated the pilot and the 2 other shows he saw. Howard got both Elan and the reviewer on the phone to talk about it. The reviewer, Eric something, said that he likes the cast but not the show itself. He said something about the show not having one bit of originality in it. This got Howard's attention so Howard now wants to see just how bad the show could possibly be. Tune in Sunday night if you want to see how bad it is. Elan says the show is really funny and this review was just one man's opinion so we'll have to wait and see what kind of ratings it gets.

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  -- Wednesday April 15, 1998 --

• Comedian Robert Schimmel Comes In. 4/15/98. 6:50am
  Whenever Bob Schimmel comes on the show he always has some great stories to tell about his wacky life. Today his story was about his ulcer. He was in the hospital recently because he lost like 40% of his blood because of this ulcer. His blood type is very rare so he was lucky to have even lived. Bob is in town to pitch a book that he'd like to call ''Fail With Flare''. He fails at things all the time in his life so he'd write a book about how to do it with flare. Bob hung out for a little while but didn't have anything to plug other than an appearance at a comedy club in New Jersey.

• Gary Garver Interviews. 4/15/98. 7:40am
  Howard's Los Angeles interviewer, Gary Garver, recently interviewed O.J. Simpson at a golf course. Howard played the tape of that this morning along with interviews with the stars of the old ''Lost In Space'' tv series. The O.J. questions were mostly about his arthritis and his golf game. O.J. answered a couple of them but eventually just walked away. Gary interviewed Billy Mummy who played Will Robinson in ''Lost In Space''. He asked him a couple of easy questions about the tv show but when he got to a boner question Mummy put a stop to the questions and walked away. Gary also interviewed Angela Cartwright, Mark Goddard and Jonathan Harris who played Dr. Smith. Angela answered a couple of questions and didn't get too pissed. Mark Goddard who played Major West figured out that the questions were Howard Stern questions and stopped answering them after about 2. Jonathan Harris answered even less when someone told him that Gary was from Howard's show. He said that he respects Howard but he won't do the show. He didn't even answer the one question he was asked.. ''Who told you that you look good in a turtleneck?''.

• Guy Who Drilled A Hole In His Skull Comes In. 4/15/98. 8:10am
  This guy Peter Halverson drilled a hole in his skull so he could experience ''a refined state of consciousness''. This belief is called Trephination or something like that. There are only a handful of people who have actually done this but they claim to be more focused. Howard spoke with this nut for a little while about the process which Peter performed on himself! He explained how he shot novocaine into his scalp, sliced it open with a scalpel and proceeded to drill the hole through his skull. This process is very dangerous because if you drill too far you can injure your brain membrane. Peter had to do this himself because there weren't any doctors who were willing to perform it. He did it like 25 years ago and you can still see the depression on his head. There was another guy with Peter who wants to have this done on him but he also can't find a doctor to perform it. Peter showed Howard the huge drill that he used and some skulls for some reason. Howard took a bunch of calls from people who think this guy is crazy. There was one Neurosurgeon who said that what Peter was claiming was all false. If you want to find out more about this guy you can check out www.trepan.com. This guy was really annoying too. Howard tried to get him to leave but he just kept talking and talking. He even gave Howard some ''Brass Balls'' award before Gary came in and removed him.

• Mark Harris Comes In. 4/15/98. 8:40am
  The always annoying Mark Harris came in with a big announcement today. He's getting married.. To a woman! For those of you who don't know who or what Mark Harris is, he's the guy who married Martha Ray a few years before she died. At the time some people thought he was marrying her for her money. Mark denied that but he also denied being gay. It turns out that he's bi-sexual and has had relations with men since Martha Ray died. Just a couple of months ago Mark was with a man from Germany. They came in and performed some awful song not too long ago. Now he's getting married to a woman he's known for less than 6 months. This isn't a young woman either, she's 78 and rich. Mark still denies that he's doing it for the money of course. He says they're in love. He says he's had sex with her already (I'm dry heaving) and she doesn't care if he's a bi-sexual. Mark brought his therapist Dr. Gilda Carle along with him today. I guess she's semi-famous because Howard said he's seen her on tv somewhere. She was plugging her book Don't Bet on the Prince! : How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself. She also thinks that Mark is marrying this old bag for her money. She didn't hold back when it came to talking about Mark. She just let loose and told everyone what she thought. She also said that she charges $200 an hour! There goes all of Martha Ray's money! Mark said that he'll be bringing his new woman in sometime in May. That is if she doesn't go running away from him after hearing today's show. One phone call that Howard took was from a guy who claimed to be a cop. He said that Mark is like a predator and should be watched all the time just in case he tries to poison his 78 year old girlfriend. Howard took a bunch of other negative calls while Mark was there. A hell of a lot of people hate this guy.

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  -- Tuesday April 14, 1998 --

• New Version Of Howard's Song ''Skunk''. 4/14/98. 6:55am
  You might remember a few weeks ago Howard and the gang were messing around with some instruments in the studio and they came up with a song entitled Skunk. Howard came up with the keyboard music and everyone else followed. Stuttering John wrote the lyrics. John took the song into the studio and had a real producer polish it up a bit. Howard played it this morning but it just wasn't what he was going for. It sounded to ''poppy'' and not heavy enough for Howard's taste. John's producer also worked on John's two albums. I believe John is still trying to find a record label to release his second album. Randy the producer is going to take the song back into the studio and rework it again to make it more like Howard wants it. Don't count on it hitting the charts anytime soon...

• William Shatner Comes In. 4/14/98. 7:30am
  William Shatner came in to plug his new book Star Trek: Spectre and an AT&T prepaid phone card. He also has his own web site at www.williamshatner.com where you can find out more about the phone card thing. Howard had a guy on the phone (D'Armond Spears) who learned the Klingon language from Star Trek. He wanted to know if Shatner hates people like that. Mr. Shatner wouldn't say that he hates the Trekkers of course. Howard had the guy say a few things in the fictitious language but it just sounded like he had some phlegm that he was clearing from his throat. After that call he had this guy Randy come in. Randy was in back in February doing Star Trek trivia and playing with Star Trek toys. He was really annoying then and he wasn't much better today. He seemed to be a bit more mellow today and he wasn't talking all over Howard like he was last time. Howard had some Star Trek trivia questions for both Randy and Mr. Shatner to try and answer. Shatner didn't know more than one answer and Randy may have known two or three. Neither of them did very well. Howard got Randy out of the studio pretty quick after that. Then Howard told Shatner that he was bringing in his sister to meet him. It turned out to be that nutty old broad Croy. Croy is the woman who thinks that President Reagan stole some plans for a nuclear incubator from her years ago. When she met Mr. Shatner she offered to be his personal escort whenever he comes to town from now on. She was a bit scary for Shatner so Howard had Gary get her out of the studio. She went to give Shatner a kiss on her way out but apparently he gave her the finger instead! This is going to make a hell of an E! show! Howard also spent a little bit of time talking to Mr. Shatner about his latest marriage and stuff like that.

• Dr. Troffeter Talks Sexually Transmitted Disease. 4/14/98. 8:40am
  This month is Sexually Transmitted Disease Awareness month so Howard had a guy on to talk about some of them. He and Howard spent a while discussing things like Herpes and genital warts. Howard took a bunch questions from callers about some of the diseases. The Dr. recommends wearing a condom when performing any type of sex whether it's oral or other. He says that people are at risk no matter what type of sex they're having. The Dr. gave out a phone number to find out more about these nasty diseases so here it is: 800-677-4100. Howard was having such a good time talking with the Dr. That he stretched it out to about 30 minutes. He kept saying ''ok, this is the last call..'' and he'd end up taking a few more.

• Kielbasa Queen Gets Implants. 4/14/98. 9:25am
  The Kielbasa Queen is the woman in Private Parts who shoved a huge kielbasa down her throat without choking on it. She's called in today to tell Howard that she just got breast implants. The implants boosted her cup size to a DD-cup. Howard wants to see them so she should be coming in sometime soon.

• Lighting Fires In The Studio! 4/14/98. 10:35am
  Late in the show Howard was reading some useless trivia to Robin. One of the interesting little facts was that non-dairy creamer is flammable. That led to Stuttering John getting some of the powdery substance and lighting it on fire. John was afraid of it catching him on fire so he was rolling up paper so he could light it from a distance. I don't know exactly how they were doing it but the stuff was landing on some wood and they ended up using a fire extinguisher at least one time. Don't try this at home by the way. If you make a cloud of the powder it should go up in a huge ball of flames. They could have had a disaster on their hands in the studio. John's birds nest hair could have lit up like a circus clown in a grass skirt!

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  -- Monday April 13, 1998 --

• Howard Returns From Vacation. 4/13/98. 6:30am
  Howard and the gang were on vacation last week. Howard said that he just stayed home most of the week. He went to his psychologist 4 times in that week but other than that he stayed in his house. Gary went down to Florida to visit his mother in her new house which is technically a mobile home. Stuttering John and Jackie were down in Puerto Rico using Dominic Barbara's house. No one mentioned anything about what Fred did on vacation so I haven't got a clue as to what he did. Robin had the most interesting vacation because she flew out to California to do another appearance on Celebrity Jeopardy.. See the next story for that.

• Robin's Celebrity Jeopardy Story. 4/13/98. 6:55am
  Last week Robin spent her vacation out in California. One day was spent taping an upcoming episode of Celebrity Jeopardy. Her opponents were author Steven King and, surprise surprise, Regis Philbin of the Regis And Kathie Lee show! For the longest time Howard has made fun of Regis and of course Kathie Lee but Regis went right up to Robin and talked to her like nothing ever happened. He told her that he heard about the new Saturday night CBS TV show and wished them well on it. Robin said that she didn't know how to react and was very surprised by it all. Robin told the whole story about how she found out that she would be playing against Regis. Everything was a surprise to her because they don't tell the people ahead of time who they'll be playing against. Steven King also said he's a fan of the show. Regis didn't do to well in the game so it was a close game between Robin and Mr. King. Robin was losing to King by $100 before the final Jeopardy round. She had $7500 and Steven King had $7600. Robin bet $7000 on the odd category of ''The 1998 Tournament Of Roses Parade''. The question was something like ''Who had the number 57 parade vehicle?''. All three of the players got the answer correct which was ''Heinz''. Steven King had only bet $4500 and Regis was down so low there was no way he could win. So Robin won with $14500! She lost the last time she was on so at least she didn't look bad this time. Only Regis looked bad. Regis actually mentioned it to Kathie Lee on their show last week. Kathie Lee didn't say much about it since she hates Howard. If they mention when the show will air, I'll be sure to mention it here.

• Boyz II Men Come In. 4/13/98. 7:30am
  This was one of those interviews that was just plain out of place on the show. Howard has been saying for a long time that the R&B group Boyz II Men are really well behaved for black guys. Howard ran into them at the recent Blockbuster award show and they talked for a few seconds. They came in today to plug their album Evolution. Howard was asking the guys a bunch of sex related questions but they were very hesitant to answer them although they were good sports about it. They seemed to have fun but they didn't reveal anything interesting. One of the guys dated singer Brandi but he wouldn't say much of anything about it. The Boyz have a tour starting up in July and they'll be hitting each of the 50 states. Make sure you catch them in your area... if you're into that music that is.

• Pam, Woman Who Auditioned For MTV VJ Job. 4/13/98. 9:55am
  Late in the show Howard said there were some people waiting in the green room who had recently auditioned for an MTV VJ job. They were going to tell Howard what they had done but Howard said he just ran out of time. Then he told Gary to book them for tomorrow but he knew that Howard really wouldn't care about it tomorrow. There was one 22 year old woman in the group who said she'd take off her top for Howard so he let her come in but not the others. Pam was very attractive according to Howard and Gary. She had a weird speech thing going on which turned out to be a pierced tongue. Howard had her take off her shirt but there wasn't much to see. Howard called her breasts ''flapjacks''. He also noticed that her belly button was pierced. She explained how her audition went and that was pretty much it. As she was walking out Howard had her show her ass. Her ass was really tight and after she showed it Howard said he was really aroused. Gary also chimed in that he was aroused by it. After that Howard kicked her out of the studio and moved on to the news.