Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 2/2/98 to 2/6/98

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-- Friday February 6, 1998 --
• Stuttering John At The Mike Tyson Press Conference. 2/6/98. 7:20am
  Boxer Mike Tyson was at a WWF Wrestling press conference yesterday. Stuttering John was invited so he yelled out about 15 questions to the ear biting Tyson. He asked questions like ''Is wrestling a gay sport?'' and ''Is eating ear against your Muslem beliefs?''. He also had questions about Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton. John also asked one of the WWF guys if Mike was the first convicted rapist in the WWF family. The last question at the press conference was ''What does ear taste like?''.. of course it was asked by John. Howard played the tape 2 times this morning. Once was with only John's questions and the second time he played more of press conference with questions other than John's.

• Daniel Carver Movie Reviews. 2/6/98. 7:45am
  KKK member, Daniel Carver, has been reviewing movies for the show lately. Howard has Daniel watch movies with black people in them to get his ridiculous reviews. This week's movie reviews were of ''The Color Purple'', ''Shakazulu'' and an old ''Tarzan'' movie with Johnny Weissmuller in it. Daniel rates the movies on a scale of 1 to 5 burning crosses 5 being the best. Here's how he reviewed them:
  • ''The Color Purple'' - 2 Burning Crosses
  • ''Shakazulu'' - 1 Burning Cross
  • ''Tarzan'' - 4 Burning Crosses
  He liked the violence in ''The Color Purple'' and hated the length of the ''Shakazulu'' movie. He said that he really liked the ''Tarzan'' movie. Daniel was in an unusual up mood today. He was just laughing and having fun like he's never done before.

• Dyanna Lauren's Nude Rub Down. 2/6/98. 8:20am
  Porno star Dyanna Lauren came in to give one lucky man a nude rub down. Howard picked the winner for the contest yesterday. His name is Joe. He's a 27 year old virgin and has a paralyzed penis. The second runner up was a guy who was raped at a coke party. He didn't have any money to pay for the coke that he used so the guys who had the party took him into a room and raped him. He got to watch the nude rub down today. Howard talked to Dyanna for a couple of minutes then had her strip down naked. She didn't hesitate to do so. Then Howard had Joe get into a towel for his rub down. He put on the towel but kept his underwear and socks on. He was a little nervous so he kept them on. I think he was lying on his stomach first. She massaged his feet then his calves. The he wanted to flip over onto his back. She rubbed his thighs and moved up to his chest. At one point Howard thought he saw the guy getting a boner but it turned out to be nothing. She was rubbing, moaning and groaning for a few minutes but the guy just didn't get aroused. I guess he wasn't kidding about his paralyzed penis. Dyanna's boyfriend was in the green room so Howard had him come in. His penis is insured for $1 Million by Lloyds of London. He has a contract with a video company so they wanted his penis to be insured in case something happens to him. Dyanna was plugging some of her stuff and said that the best video to get with her in it is ''Bad Wives'' from Vivid Video. She also plugged her web site www.dyannalauren.com. She said that you can get her videos through the web site.

• The Mike Walker Game. 2/6/98. 8:55am
  Dyanna and Joe stuck around for the Mike Walker game after the rub down. Mike gives us 4 stories. One of them is a fake, everyone tries to pick the fake one. Here are this week's stories:
  1. Leonardo DeCaprio needed someone to respond to his fan mail so he hired a waitress who served him breakfast a bunch of times. She now travels around with him.
  2. Norm MacDonald claims that he's collected so many toiletries from hotels in his past that he just recently had to purchase some soap for the first time.
  3. Rosie O'Donnell is supposed to appear in a remake of ''The Wizard Of Oz''. She'll be playing the part of the good witch.
  4. Joe Peschi was recently asked not to smoke his cigar in a restaurant. He went to the kitchen, put on a chef's hat and blew his smoke through the oven vents.
  Robin, Dyanna and Joe all chose number 3 as the false story. Howard and Jackie both chose number 2 as the false one. The actual false story was number 2. This is 2 weeks in a row that Howard has gotten the correct answer.

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  -- Thursday February 5, 1998 --

• Don King(?) Comes In. 2/5/98. 7:30am
  Howard was promoting the fact that Don King was going to come in to comment on his run in with Mike Tyson. Well when ''Don King'' came in it turned out to be a goof. The guy was just playing the part of Don King. He sounded kind of like he may have been a homeless guy they found on the street. He did a good job of staying in character though. It was pretty funny. At one point he finally figured out where Robin was and instantly fell in love with her. Howard didn't stick with this guy too long.

• The Retarded Hanson Brother. 2/5/98. 8:20am
  Howard had a guy in who was supposed to be the retarded Hanson brother who was kicked out of the group. The part was played by 'Gina Man. 'Gina Man is about 65 years old and may be the wackiest person to ever appear on Howard's show. The premise of the bit was that Benny Hanson was kicked out of the group 'Hanson'. He wrote the song ''Mmm Bop'' but was kicked out because he was slow. Benny's manager, Mr. Elway, was played by Crazy Jerry who pretty much baby sits 'Gina Man. 'Gina Man sang a song but some of it was cut out because it must have been too offensive for airing. Even after the music stopped playing 'Gina Man kept saying his lines which made it even funnier. While all of this was going on Howard had another thing planned. He's giving away these ''Private Parts'' movie stand-ups so they played a game of trivia. He brought in a guy by the name of Tony and Sal the stockbroker. Tony can answer trivia questions about the movie ''The Godfather''. Howard took a bunch of calls and gave away a bunch of the standees. Sal the stockbroker was his usual self. All he could do was talk about Gary's giant, smelly teeth the whole time he was in the studio. At one point he said ''What else is there to talk about?''. He's really obssessed with Gary.. it's a little scary.

• Basketball Player Reggie Miller Comes In. 2/5/98. 8:50am
  Reggie Miller of the Indiana Pacers came in for a quick visit during all of the fun with the retarded Hanson brother and the trivia stuff. Howard thought that Reggie was coming to to bad mouth the two losers in Indianapolis who Howard is now up against. Reggie was too nice of a guy to do that but did say that Howard is like a brother to him. Reggie is in town for the all-star game or something so he stopped in. He played a little bit of the trivia game but didn't have much else to say.

• Crackhead Bob Helps Choose The Nude Rubdown Finalists. 2/5/98. 9:30am
  Tomorrow is the day for the nude rubdown from porno star Dyanna Lauren. Howard and the gang had to slim down the list of contestants and pick a couple of finalists. Crackhead Bob came in to help with the list. Bob talked a little more about his recent breakup wth his fiance. She and Bob were scheduled to get married on Feb 14 but they broke up within the past couple of weeks. It turns out that the main reason they broke up was because she didn't want their wedding to be filmed for E!. Bob says that the wedding will still go on without the bride. He's not going to let the money go to waste so he's going to have a hell of a party. Poor Bob is heartbroken but he just doesn't want to give up his link to the Stern show. So anyway, Howard, Robin, Stuttering John and Crackhead Bob went through the 13 names and slimmed down the list to 3 finalists. The winner, Dave(I think), will probably get the rubdown but if he was lying about his 2 inch penis then one of the other guys will get the rubdown.

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  -- Wednesday February 4, 1998 --

• Aza Comes In For Her Interview. 2/4/98. 7:15am
  Yesterday a woman called in and said she wanted to be an intern on Howard's show. She said that she could be Howard's ''Monica Lewinski''. She claimed that she was about 5'8'', 130 pounds. When she came in this morning it was obvious to Howard that she lied about her weight. She was more like 150 or 160 pounds. Howard went along with the interview anyway. He had some fun with her. Some guy called in when she came in and said that she stabbed some guy at one time. It turned out that she was being stalked at one time and she had to stab the guy a bunch of times when he came after her once. She was just defending herself. Howard threw a twist into the interview. He had these ''Tickling Panties'' which vibrate when Howard turns the switch. He had Aza put the panties on for the interview. He started to question her and quickly found out that she lied about her age. Yesterday she said that she was 20. Today she said 19. As she was answering the questions that Howard was asking he would turn the knob for the panties. She was going nuts and couldn't sit still. She kept giggling and crossing and uncrossing her legs. Howard loves these Tickling Panties. The buzzing coming from the panties sounded like a chainsaw off in the distance. The questions that Howard was asking were the typical questions asked of intern applicants. Aza couldn't give a decent answer because she was so distracted by the vibrating panties. Just a note, the woman who designed the panties will be in next week sometime. Aza was enjoying the panties so Howard said that she could keep them. No one else would want to wear them anyway. Howard took a commercial break after he was done with Aza. When he came back he said that Aza actually put the panties on over her regular panties so the effect was diluted a bit. He had her change back into the vibrating panties without her normal panties on. He then had her try and sing ''The Star Spangled Banner'' and say the pledge of allegiance. She kept giggling and squirming so she couldn't finish any of it. She said the alphabet pretty well and sang a little bit of ''Row, Row, Row Your Boat'' before leaving. The ''Tickling Panties'' are going to be the next big thing on the show. Howard said they ordered 100 of them for future shows.

• How To Pick Up A Woman In 30 Seconds. 2/4/98. 8:25am
  This guy Alvin Donovan has some kind of audio cassette thing about ''The Power Of Persuasion''. He claims that with this tape you can learn how to persuade people into things that you normally couldn't. Today he gave 3 steps on how to pick up a woman at a bar. Here's some of what he said to do:
  1. Develop a rapport with the person by mimicking what they are doing. Mimic their breathing and speech rate.
  2. Cause yourself to go into a sexual frenzy, the other person will subconsciously fall into the same frenzy.
  3. Give the person the ''magic touch''. Say ''Do you feel that..'' then touch the person and continue ''..you wanna go out with me?'' The person will probably say yes.
  Howard didn't spend much time with the guy. I don't think Howard fell for it. He took some calls from listeners about it. One woman said that it was true and women will fall for it. A guy called in and said that he tried it and got smacked by the woman he tried it on. He said that the woman asked him why he was mimicking her. If you want to check out the cassette thing you can order it through this number: 888-622-0776.

• Howard Plays Tape Of Melrose Larry Green Bombing. 2/4/98. 9:45am
  You may remember last week Melrose Larry told Howard that he was opening up for comedian Jackie Mason. Well, today Howard had tape of that opening act. Needless to say Melrose bombed. His act was unfunny and some of it was stolen from Jay Leno. Some of Melrose's President Clinton stuff was lifted directly from one of Jay Leno's monolog's according to Howard and Robin. The audience was pretty much silent through the whole act. When Melrose called in he said that it was just an off night for the audience. Yeah right. Gary came in and told Howard that Mike Gange was the one who taped the act when it happened. Gange says that Jackie Mason's people told him that Jackie just can't say no and that's why Melrose was the opening act. Maybe he should stick to accounting.

• Ralph's Scores Adventure. 2/4/98. 9:20am
  Ralph had an interesting story to tell about going to Scores last night. Howard let him come in to the studio to tell it. First Howard talked to his mother about Ralph. Howard heard that his mother said that Ralph looked really gay when he was at the birthday show last week. When his mother was on the phone she wouldn't admit to saying anything about Ralph looking gay. Howard couldn't get her to crack so he moved on to Ralph's Scores story. Ralph explained how he saw Sandra Bernhard at Scores with a couple of hot friends. Her friend were dancing around and taking off some of their clothes. A few minutes later he saw Sandra and her friends on the dance stage. They were all taking off some of their clothes. The pregnant Sandra was down to her bra and panties according to Ralph. Eventually Sandra took off her bra and tossed it aside. Ralph said her breasts were a nice size. Howard figured that they were tiny. They must be a little bigger because of the pregnancy. Then Ralph says that he has a present for Howard. He somehow got Sandra's bra and brought it back for Howard. The next time Sandra comes in Howard can give it back to her or whatever.

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  -- Tuesday February 3, 1998 --

• Daniel Baldwin, Friend Of The Show, Hospitalized. 2/3/98. 6:05am
  Yesterday morning actor Daniel Baldwin was found in his hotel room naked and bleeding after a drug overdose. Howard said that he had someone on hold for an hour and a half yesterday who had info about the story. Howard wasn't sure if it was true at the time so he didn't put the guy through. This morning he wanted to give his best to the family and hope that Daniel comes out of this okay. Last night he was in critical condition but when Stuttering John called later this morning he was listed in serious condition. The Baldwin family thanked Howard for his concern.

• Crackhead Bob Talks About His Break-up. 2/3/98. 6:20am
  During last week's big birthday show Crackhead Bob announced that he'd called off his February wedding. His fiance said that she didn't want him to be ''Crackhead Bob'' anymore. Howard talked to him this morning and from what I could understand it seems that he's broken up with her completely. I think they're still living together but that probably won't last long. Crackhead Bob would rather be on Howard's show than get laid on a regular basis. Now that's dedication...

• Author Aimee Jusayan Calls In. 2/3/98. 7:35am
  This woman called in to plug her book ''A Gift After Death, A True Story''. She explained to Howard how she was dead for 3 days back in 1986. She'd gone to a hospital for some thyroid attack or something like that. She flat lined and laid in the bed for 3 days because in the Philippines, where she lived, they don't allow the body to be taken until the medical bills are paid. What load of horse crap this woman was slinging. So anyway, she droned on for so damn long I almost fell asleep. She said that after the incident she came back to life and she now has healing powers. She claims that she can massage some cancers away. Howard seemed to be getting bored with her stories so he started in on the sex questions. It turns out that she's a virgin at the age of 46! She still has a trachea tube in her throat from her death experience. So Howard figures that she now has a fourth opening for sex! Wow! The book is available through the following number:800-597-1133 ext. 6265 or check out her web site at this address: www.bjt.net/~asj/ebg

• Aza, The 20 Year Old Who Wants To Be An Intern. 2/3/98. 8:55am
  A woman called in and told Howard that she wanted to become an intern. Howard said that he'd like an intern like Monica Lewinski allegedly was for President Clinton. She said she could do that. Howard talked to her for a few minutes and found out that she's not even in college, she works. So brilliant Baba Booey came in and said that she could become Howard's personal assistant instead of an intern. She's coming in for an ''interview'' tomorrow.

• More Hard Luck Stories. 2/3/98.
  Howard was taking more hard luck stories for the upcoming nude rub down on Friday. Porno star Dyanna Lauren will be giving one lucky listener the rub down. Most of the calls have been from men but there was one woman who wanted to give it a try. She's bi-sexual but she didn't really have a hard-luck story. As the week goes on I'll have more about the lucky finalists in this contest.

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  -- Monday February 2, 1998 --

• Howard Gets Another Tattoo. 2/2/98. 6:05am
  This past weekend Howard went and got another tattoo for himself. It's just a small one on his pinkie. He didn't really say what it was though. He brought a couple of people with him to the tattoo place. Ronnie the limo driver ended up getting a big shark put on his arm. It goes from his elbow to his shoulder! Howard also brought some woman he met at the health club he works out at. She got something tattooed on the back of her neck. The tattoo artist that Howard has been using called in later in the show to thank Howard for using him and for bringing people in. Howard said that there was actually a guy from Cleveland Ohio at the shop. The guy heard Howard talking about it so he went down to have some work done. If you want to be tattooed by the same guy who did Howard, his name is Sean Vasquez and he works at Sacred Tattoo somewhere in New York City.

• Captain Janks Phony Phone Call To Homework Channel. 2/2/98. 7:15am
  Janks has done another great phony phone call. This time it was to the Homework Channel which I've never seen myself. He called up as Jackie. He was goofing on the whole contract negotiation thing that just happened with Jackie. He told the guy that he had plenty of spare time on his hands so he was going back to school. Then he asked the guy if he'd sing ''Happy Birthday'' to Howard Stern. The guy told him that they weren't taking requests.

• Howard Talks About The Birthday Show. 2/2/98. 7:30am
  Howard mentioned a bunch of things about the big birthday show that didn't air last Friday. He said that the show will be airing on E! this whole week and that Scott The Engineer walked out of the show at one point. That segment didn't air on Friday. Howard said that they had some technical problems with the show when they taped it Thursday night. Billy Joel also dedicated a song to Howard at one point but that didn't make it to the radio show either. Howard had the intro that Billy did so he played it this morning. There were a few people who tried to call into the show but for some reason they didn't make it through. New York Senator Alfonse D'Amato was one of them. The Senator called in this morning instead. He wished Howard a happy birthday and talked to Howard for a couple of minutes. Tim Allen was also supposed to call in but the call went unanswered for some reason. Tim didn't call in today but at least he tried to last week. I thought the show sounded pretty messed up last week. They played bits during the show and it was edited kind of strangely. From what I hear from people who went to the show it was great. It just didn't come over the radio as being great. From now on if they don't do the birthday show live they shouldn't do it at all.

• Howard's Favorite Gift - Porno From Ratso. 2/2/98. 8:10am
  Howard got a bunch of cool gifts for his birthday last week but the one he seemed most impressed with was this porno that his buddy Ratso Sloman gave him. The tape that he got from Ratso was a copy of ''Shane's Ultimate Fantasy''. It wasn't even a new tape, it was a copy of it but Howard said it was really ''hot''. He said the women in it are really gorgeous. There's some old guy in it who's a dominator. They do some really strange stuff in the video but Howard was into it. He hasn't finished watching the tape yet so I'm sure we'll hear more about it soon.

• Kenneth Keith Kallenbach Interviews Leonard Nimoy. 2/2/98. 8:20am
  Howard played a really quick piece of tape with Kenneth Keith Kallenbach interviewing Leonard Nimoy. Kenneth went up to him at some function and said he was from CBS Radio. He asked Nimoy ''What do you think of that prick William Shatner?'' If Mr. Nimoy answered that question you couldn't hear it since Kenneth didn't have the microphone close enough to him. Then Kenneth asked Nimoy to wish Howard Stern a happy birthday. He was nice enough to do so but once again you could barely hear what he said because the microphone wasn't close enough. At least he was out there trying.

• Name That Psycho Game. 2/2/98. 8:25am
  Howard was giving away some more of the ''Private Parts'' theater stand-ups so they played a new game. They play scenes from movies for someone on the phone and they have to guess what movie it is and who was playing the character. Today's player got all 5 of the scenes correct so he won the stand-up. Here are the 5 movies and the actors playing that ''psycho'' part:
  • ''The Shining'' - Jack Nicholson
  • ''The King Of Comedy'' - Robert DeNiro
  • ''Seven'' - Kevin Spacey
  • ''Sling Blade'' - Billy Bob Thornton
  • ''Cape Fear'' - Robert DeNiro

• Sal The Stockbroker Strikes Again. 2/2/98. 8:45am
  This Friday there will be a porn star in to give one lucky listener a nude rub down. The listener with the best hard-luck story will win the rub down. Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that when he was circumcised as a child the doctor messed up and sliced open his penis. Whatever the guy was talking about was a little too dirty for airing because the delay was hit a few times. Anyway, the guy strung Howard along for 5 minutes or so and then the ''Gary is a horse toothed jackass'' line came from the caller. It was Sal the Stockbroker goofing on the show once again. Last week Howard played the phony phone call they made to Sal so Sal figured he had to get revenge. Howard played the tape from last week again after hanging up on Sal. Later in the show another guy called in with, what sounded like a legitimate phone call. That guy also called Gary a ''Horse toothed jackass'' and hung up the phone. Howard was a little pissed so he said that he was going to tell Sal's boss about him not working. Stuttering John came in and said that he did tell on Sal one time and Sal called John crying about it. John said he could do it again if Sal calls in too much. Howard said he'd let him off this time but he'd better calm down with it.