Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 12/14/98 to 12/18/98

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-- Friday December 18, 1998 --
• Becky & Becky The 21 Year Old Strippers. 12/18/98. 6:15am
  Two strippers came down to show off their breasts for Howard. Both of them were named Becky and both were 21 years old. They had originally come down to get a date with the guys who called in yesterday from Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock. They came in all sloppy drunk. One of them was so wasted she could barely speak. One Becky told Howard that her father is the one who drives her to work. The other Becky said that her parents don't know what she does. One Becky took off her top and showed Howard her breasts. She said that she'd like to get implants but Howard said they looked great. Someone pointed out that they were 21 year old breasts so they're still nice and perky.

• Shawn The Dwarf Tosser. 12/18/98. 6:25am
  Howard saw this guy Shawn outside of the studio tossing a dwarf onto a mattress. They wanted to get on the show but Howard wasn't sure if he should have them up. Howard made the right decision. Shawn and his 'brother' Frank the drunk dwarf came in with their mattress. They told Howard that they do bachelor parties for $300 and let the guys toss Frank and even play dwarf bowling. To bowl with a dwarf they put him on a skateboard and push him into some pins. They claimed to be brothers but Shawn is 6'7'' tall and Frank is only 4'2'' tall. It turns out they're half brothers. Frank was really drunk and claimed that he could out drink Hank the angry drunken dwarf. Frank said that he drank about 2 12 packs of beer last night. Frank is also a pro midget wrestler and goes by the name Frank ''Third Degree'' Burns. If you'd like to book them for a party just call Shawn at 201-386-0262 or beep him at 201-521-6355.

• Robin's Breasts/Howard's Ratings. 12/18/98. 7:00am
  Howard mentioned that there are pictures of Melissa Rivers' wedding and one of them features Robin in a very revealing dress. He said her breasts are in full view and lovely. That led to Howard finding out that he's in TV Guide in the Cheers and Jeers section. This time he's under the Jeers for his Saturday night show. That led to Vinnie Favale from the Saturday night show calling in with some good news. He had ratings from a bunch of markets and they pointed out that Howard is beating Saturday Night Live in the Men 18-34 demographic. Vinnie said that in New York Howard gets a 5.5 rating with a 19 share and SNL gets a 5.3 with a 17 share. In Philadelphia Howard gets a 6.8 with a 30 share and SNL gets a 5.5 with a 23 share. He also gave some similar info about Detroit, Miami, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Providence and West Palm Beach. Howard told Vinnie that he'll never see that mentioned in a newspaper article. Vinnie said that he didn't think they'd be having this discussion for at least a year or so. Vinnie also pointed out that this is the demographic that SNL has always crowed about in the past and now Howard is beating them in a bunch of major markets.

• Arthur Fartowski Attempts 5 Minute Fart Record. 12/18/98. 7:40am
  Arthur Fartowski (aka Arther the farter) came in to attempt a new 5 minute fart record. Arthur made his first appearance back in August and did somewhere around 400 farts over a long period of time. Today he was trying to beat the record of 211 set by an 11 year old kid a couple of months ago. Arthur warmed up for a couple of minutes before making the attempt. He gets on his hands and knees and puts his ass up in the air. He then spreads his cheeks and sucks air into his ass. He does this over and over again. Eventually he started his official attempt. He was going pretty good for a minute or two but then the pace started to slow. Then around the 3:30 mark he ran into trouble. Arthur shit himself! Howard asked him if he wanted to continue but Arthur was done for the day. He'd farted 138 times in 4 minutes. Arthur still thinks he's the king and will come back for another attempt in a few weeks. For now though, 11 year old Matt is still the king with 211 farts in 5 minutes.

• Howard's Wife Goes To Competitor's Concert. 12/18/98. 8:00am
  Howard was a little pissed off about something his wife had done. Alison went to this ''Jingle Ball'' concert that New York's Z-100 held. Alison is a fan of the station and wanted to go to the ball with her kids. She got tickets through one of the guys that works at Howard's station but he was upset that she's supporting the competition. Howard knew that she was going to the thing and didn't say anything to her at the time. Howard had Alison on the phone and tried to explain to her why he was upset but she didn't want to talk. She hung up on him. Howard went on to discuss it for a little while longer and she ended up calling back. Howard apologized and said that he should have said something before she went but he didn't want to be so controlling. He just figured Alison would know what he was feeling. Alison said after seeing the DJ's she'll never listen to Z-100 again. This conversation went on for over 45 minutes! Eventually the two of them worked it all out and wished each other a merry Christmas.

• The Mike Walker Gossip Game With Guest Paul Turner. 12/18/98. 9:05am
  Paul Turner is the announcer you've been hearing on Howard's show for the past 9 years or so. Paul came in to promote his promotional CD which has some unusual production pieces on it. It's the stuff they use to show off their talent. Paul and Howard spoke for a few minutes about how deep Paul's voice is then moved on to the gossip game.

  Mike Walker calls in each week with 4 gossip stories. 3 of them are from his National Enquirer gossip column and one is fabricated. Everyone tries to chose the false story. Here are this week's stories:

  1. Basketball player Michael Jordan tried to disguise himself as a waiter at his own restaurant. A customer told him he looked like Michael Jordan.
  2. Brad Pitt went to a post office to drop off a letter. He had two but only meant to send one. When he realized he put the two in the box he put his arm in and got stuck. The postmaster had to scold him for doing such a stupid thing.
  3. O.J. Simpson went to a friend's used car lot and actually ended up selling a vehicle.
  4. Sharon Stone's husband threatened a couple of fans who were staring at her in a restaurant. The staff had to move Stone to a different table.
  Paul chose number 2 as the false story. Robin and Howard both chose number 1 and Jackie chose number 4 as the false. The actual false story this week was number 1. Both Howard and Robin were the winners.

  After the game Paul and Howard compared voices. Howard thinks that his voice is just as deep as Pauls and wonders why he doesn't get any voice over work. Howard also played a little bit of Paul's demo CD. You can get that CD by calling 800-736-3878 or visit Paul's web site at www.paulturnerprod.com. Paul hung around for the next segment also..

• Dan Greenberg Farts Christmas Songs. 12/18/98. 9:45am
  Dan Greenberg is the guy who was in a couple months back and ended up shitting on the floor when attempting the 5 minute fart record. Today he came in to fart along to some Christmas songs. He warmed up for a few seconds then farted along to ''Silent Night.'' He started out doing it along with music in the background but it was too slow for Howard. Then Howard and Robin started singing the song so Dan could fart along. Dan dedicated the song to Kathie Lee Gifford. One song wasn't enough for Howard. He went on to sing ''We Wish You a Merry Christmas'' and ''Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.'' Howard also sang ''I'm Dreaming Of A Brown Christmas'' and Robin sang a little bit of ''Jingle Bells.'' Everyone was having lots of fun. Howard wished everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah. He then dedicated some farts to Don Hewitt from ''60 Minutes.''

• Sal The Stockbroker Thrown Out Of ''Late Show'' Audience. 12/18/98. 9:55am
  Sal the Stockbroker called in to tell Howard how he got kicked out of the ''Late Show with David Letterman'' show last night. Sal was in the audience and before the show started he yelled out ''Baba Booey'' to Letterman. Sal claims that Letterman then said ''Wrong show, my ratings are great!'' Howard pointed out that Letterman doesn't get any ratings on his show and he can't even beat Jay Leno and his big chin. Howard was really pissed and said that Letterman shouldn't brag about a 2 share rating. Sal went on to explain more about how he got kicked out but the delay button was hit for some reason so some of it was missed. Sal said you can read about it on his web site.

  Later in the show, around 10:50, Vinnie Favale came in to defend Letterman. Vinnie works on Letterman's show and on Howard's Saturday night show. He said that Letterman didn't say any of that stuff on the show, it was behind the scenes. What kind of defense is that? Vinnie said that when someone yells out ''Baba Booey'' it's an open invitation to yell back. Howard ended up arguing and yelling about what a scumbag Letterman is for about 15 minutes. He said that Letterman doesn't know who he's messing with. Vinnie said he was at the taping last night and didn't hear Letterman say what Sal said he said but he couldn't say that Letterman didn't say it either. What a way to end the week!

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  -- Thursday December 17, 1998 --

• Howard's View On The Iraq Bombing. 12/17/98. 6:15am
  Howard spent a few minutes praising President Clinton for finally going in and bombing the crap out of Iraq. He said that it's a good thing and he doesn't seem to think that it has anything to do with Clinton trying to avoid his impeachment. Howard said that this bombing is to weaken Saddam Hussein's power so he can be overthrown. Melrose Larry Green called in to argue with Howard but he just wanted air time to plug the fact that he's appearing with Casey Kasem somewhere. Melrose kept saying ''Don't hang up on me Howard!'' even though Howard wasn't going to. Eventually Howard had to hang up on him because he was so annoying. Howard was also saying that he feels like this bombing is like a video game because the nighttime coverage is shown in the green night vision. He said it was kind of cool looking but he'd like to see it in color.

• Howard Thinking Of Doing Hollywood Squares TV Show. 12/17/98. 6:50am
  Howard says that he only wants to appear on bad TV shows. The only reason he went on Magic Johnson's show was because it was so awful. Now he said he's thinking of going on the new Hollywood Squares. Howard said he's been watching the show and it's just so bad that he's fascinated by it. He said he'd like to go on but he'd make outrageous demands. He said he'd demand that Crackhead Bob and Gary the Retard have their own squares. Robin suggested that he have a drunken Hank the dwarf sit on his lap like a puppet. I don't know if Howard is serious about this but anything's possible.

• Dr. Ruth Westheimer Comes In. 12/17/98. 7:00am
  Sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer came in to promote a documentary she did for PBS. The show, ''No Missing Link'', will air Sunday, December 20 at 7pm on PBS stations. Check your local listings for channel. 70 year old Dr. Ruth sure wasn't in the mood to talk about anything interesting this morning. She pretty much just plugged her stuff and avoided talking about anything that Howard wanted her to. The one surprise that came up was the fact that Dr. Ruth's husband of 36 years died about a year ago. She let Howard talk about that for about a minute and wouldn't say whether or not she's dated since his death. She also spoke a little bit about the fact that she was a sniper in World War II. She said she can still hit the bullseye at 70 although she said the last gun she shot was a water pistol. Dr. Ruth was also promoting her books Grandparenthood and Dr. Ruth Talks About Grandparents : Advice for Kids on Making the Most of a Special Relationship. Now that she's a Grandparent she wants everyone to respect the old and even suggested that they be allowed in Playboy! Who wants to see that!? Even old people don't want to see old people in a nudie magazine, do they?

• Jessica From CloneYourBone.com Calls In. 12/17/98. 8:15am
  This woman Jessica called in to promote something with a name that Howard couldn't even say on the air. It turns out it's called ''Match Your Snatch.'' Clone Your Bone and Match Your Snatch are novelty items that allow you to make a wax copies of your genitals. Jessica was promoting the new Match Your Snatch product since it's only been out for a couple of weeks. Howard wondered why anyone would do this. Jessica said that it looks great and you can make a refrigerator magnet out of your cloned snatch. 32 year old Jessica said that she's cloned hers about 25 times. I'm sure her parents are proud. The thing sells for $19.95 and you can pick it up at www.cloneyourbone.com. Jessica said that they've sold about 1000 of the penis cloning product which didn't impress Howard. After talking to Jessica for about 5 minutes he ended the segment. As she was hanging up the phone he had another question for her. He heard her hanging up the phone and heard her say ''he cut me off honey'' to her boyfriend. That pissed Howard off big time. He just gave her 5 minutes worth of airtime to plug a dumb product and she's ungrateful. Howard called her back and explained to her that the 5 minute plug was worth about $50,000 in advertising rates and she should be grateful. She didn't seem to understand that. Howard let her talk about how some guy bought both cloning products so he could have a long distance relationship with an online buddy. One woman called in and said that the product was absurd and didn't think anyone would want to see their own genitals. Howard said that most women's private parts look like a tomahawk wound. Robin pretty much agreed with him.

• David Kehoe's Anti-Stuttering Device. 12/17/98. 8:45am
  Stutterer David Kehoe came up with some kind of device that's supposed to stop stuttering. David was on the phone and using his device which somehow delays your speech and changes the pitch of your voice. He was talking rather slowly to the point that Howard said it sounded like the guy was stoned. David still had a bit of a stutter but he claimed that it was much worse without the device. He said he invented this thing about 6 years ago because speech therapy wasn't working for him. David claimed that the device can also make a non-stutterer begin to stutter. Howard tried the device out but it didn't make him stutter. Howard said that they'll get Quentin the Stutterer to come down to the studio tomorrow to try out the device to see if it can help him. If you'd like to find out more about the device, which ranges from $300-700, call 888-FLUENCY(888-358-3629). Tune in tomorrow to find out if it can help Quentin.

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  -- Wednesday December 16, 1998 --

• Howard's Bad Christmas Party Experience. 12/16/98. 6:10am
  Howard told Robin about his bad experience at the CBS Christmas party last night. Howard's agent talked him in to going to the thing after a meeting they had. Howard said he went since he was staying in the city anyway. He ended up meeting Paula Zahn and said she was really sexy in person. He also saw Don Hewitt, the head of the ''60 Minutes'' program, hanging out with Howard's boss Mel Karmazin. Howard was a little pissed off that Mel didn't come over and hang out with him so he ended up leaving the party.

• No Call Back From Mariah Carey. 12/16/98. 6:15am
  Howard said that he put a call in to Mariah Carey yesterday because he thought they could actually get together and talk after her call in. He said that her people told him that she was asleep but they'd give her the message with his number. He hasn't heard back from her. So maybe she was full of crap when she said she'd like to hang out with him.

• Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst And Kid Rock Call In. 12/16/98. 6:25am
  A couple of rock band guys called Howard this morning. Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock called in all drunk. They were telling Howard how hard it is to find some decent whores.. er uh, escorts, in New York City. They were calling places and getting some bad women. Howard tried talking to them but they were just talking all over each other. The guys gave out the hotel they were staying in so they could get some decent women but Howard wasn't putting up with them for long. He told them to call in when they got some women. They called back a short time later and wanted Howard to work a deal for them for a woman. Howard just told them they were too drunk and hung up. Howard loves one of Limp Bizkit's songs which is a really cool remake of the George Michael's song ''Faith.'' He played a little bit of that before moving on to other things.

• Cindy Margolis Calls In. 12/16/98. 6:45am
  Web queen Cindy Margolis called in to say ''Hi'' to Howard and the gang. She was just named ''The Most Downloaded Woman'' on the internet for the third year in a row. She told Howard that she really had a great time on the show a few weeks back with her friend Elisa. She also said that she was kicked off of QVC because of her sexy appearance on the syndicated ''The Howard Stern Radio Show.'' She said that she was scheduled to sell her excersize tape on the QVC shopping channel but when they saw her on Howard's show they thought that she wouldn't appeal to their old woman audience. Make Cindy feel better and head over to www.cindymargolis.com and see if you can pick up her excersize tape. It must be sexy if she's in it, right?

• The Aspiring Playmate Game Continued. 12/16/98. 7:10am
  Yesterday Howard started this game of knoledge questions but ran out of time. Today he had Jeff, the player, on the phone ready to play. For those of you who aren't familar with this game here's the basics. Someone goes out and asks general knoledge questions to either a homeless person or, in this case, an aspiring Playboy Playmate. Then they have someone play along and try to guess whether or not the person will get the question correct. After that Howard and the gang will bet each other on the outcome. Here are Jeff's questions. He was playing for a trip out to Las Vegas to go to some Alberto V05 Battle Of The Stars On Ice thing.

  Question	Caller Says	Aspiring Playmate Answer	Correct Answer?
  How many boroughs are in New York City?	N	Five	Y
  How many planets are in our solar system?	N	Seven	N
  How many days are in a year?	Y	362	N
  Who wrote ''The Cat In The Hat''?	Y	Dr. Seuss	Y

  Even though Jeff lied about one of his predictions Howard gave him the trip. After that they listened to the rest of the qustions. (Let me just say that it's very hard to follow this game and take notes when driving in highway traffic) Here they are...

  Question	Aspiring Playmate Answer	Correct?
  Is Canada North or South of the U.S.?	North	Y
  How many donuts are in a bakers dozen?	Thirteen	Y
  What is the capitol of New York?	New York City	N
  What does C.I.A. Stand for?	Central Intelligence Agency	Y
  What is the capitol of France?	Paris	Y
  How many states are in the U.S.?	52 or 51	N
  What does KKK stand for?	Ku Klux Klan	Y
  What does VCR stand for?	Video Cassette Recorder	Y
  How many days end in the letter Y?	Seven	Y
  Spell ''receive''	R E C I E V E	N
  Give an example of a prime number	Three	Y

• The Queen Of Insults Calls In. 12/16/98. 7:55am
  This woman Alana Livinski called in to tell Howard about her insulting greeting cards. She called in at a bad time because Elton John was about to call in so she didn't have much time. Basically she started doing these insulting greeting cards after she beat up her husband and kicked him in the nuts. She ended up going to jail because the fight was caught on tape. She gave Howard a couple of examples of her cards. You can see them for yourself over at www.insultcards.com. Howard had to ditch Alana when Elton John called in. He told her that Elton was much more important than she.

• Elton John Calls In. 12/16/98. 8:00am
  Legendary singer/songwriter/homo Elton John called in from London to promote the new South Park Chef Aid album. Elton does a song on there called ''Chocolate Salty Balls'' with Issac Hayes. Howard hasn't spoken to Elton since the mid 1980's when Elton did an original song for him. The song still gets played on the show once in a while. It's called ''Why Isn't Howard Stern On TV.'' Howard spoke to him about that and Robin told him that she sees him at the Rain Forrest concert every year. Howard also brought up some people who bad mouth Elton for no good reason. Howard called Noel Gallagher of Oasis a ''Dick'' for bad mouthing Elton about his fund raising after Lady Diana died in her car crash. Elton said he gets that kind of crap from a lot of people. Keith Richards from The Rolling Stones also calls Elton names for some reason. Howard heard that Elton and Billy Joel had some kind of feud going on but Elton denied that. Elton was very willing to talk about anything and everything but he was cursing up a storm. Howard had to hit the delay a bunch of times so a lot of the interview was lost. He said the f word and the s word a few too many times. Howard found out that Elton tried Viagra just to see what it was like. He said it just happened a couple of weeks ago. Howard said that his boyfriend probably couldn't walk for 4 days after that. Howard took a bunch of phone calls for Elton and most of them were okay but there were a couple of guys who goofed on him for being gay.

• Red Peters Performs Live. 12/16/98. 8:40am
  Red Peters is the guy who sings the song about the dog named Stains and the kid who always cried out ''Come Stains.'' Howard found out about this guy a couple of years back and fell in love with the song ''Ballad of a Dog Named Stains'' and ''How's Your (W)hole... Family.'' Red came in to perform the Stains song live this morning. Red also has a bunch of other comedy bits that he does. Most of them seem to involve some reference to dicks and stains. You can find out more about Red at www.redpeters.com or call 800-270-2299. Red did a nice job singing his song live. He said he's never performed without a lyric sheet so he had to listen to the song like 50 times to get all of the words right. He told Howard that it took about 3 weeks to write the song. Red also told Howard that his real name is Peter Peters Jr. He got the Red part of the name from the color of his hair.

• Make Hank The Angry, Drunken Dwarf Time Magazine's Man Of The Year? 12/16/98. 10:05am
  Phony phone call master Captain Janks called Howard to tell him that Hank has broken into the top 5 in Time Magazine's Man of the Year web poll. Janks was trying to give out the web address for the poll but it was such a mess that he just said to head over to www.captainjanks.com. Janks will head you in the right direction. If you haven't cast your vote for Hank, make sure you do. I haven't done it yet myself! I'd better get my ass in gear..

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  -- Tuesday December 15, 1998 --

• Gary The Retard Antisemitic? 12/15/98. 6:15am
  Howard had tape of Gary the Retard talking about how he hates Jews that he played this morning. They taped him talking about it after last week's Intern Beauty Pageant. Gary said that he doesn't like Jews because you can't understand what they're talking about. Scott Einziger from E! was in the room with him at the time and told him that he himself was a Jew. Gary said he didn't believe him. Scott also told Gary that Howard was half Jewish and Gary refused to believe that also. They asked Gary if he'd have still come on the show if he knew that Howard was half Jew. Gary said he'd come on the show no matter what. Robin suggested that they play ''Guess Who's The Jew'' with Gary the next time he comes in. Howard thought that would be a good idea so keep your ears open for that.

• Guy Living On Billboard Calls In. 12/15/98. 6:20am
  This guy Dennis called in from a billboard in the Charlotte, North Carolina area to talk to Howard about why he's doing it. Dennis is living there until the NBA strike is over. He does take breaks to go to the portable toilet. Howard thinks it's kind of dopey for anyone to do something like this. Dennis said that he is self employed as a wallpaper hanger so he's able to take the time off to do this. Howard asked the guy if he thinks the NBA people will pay any attention to him. Dennis didn't seem to care either way. Howard said he's probably just doing it for the attention.

• Subway Hero Bernhard Goetz Comes In. 12/15/98. 7:45am
  Some people call him a vigilante, some call him a hero. If you heard him today you might call him just plain odd! 15 years ago Bernhard Goetz was approached by a few young black kids and asked for money. They had a screwdriver that could have been used as a weapon so Bernie pulled out a gun and shot them. Howard and Bernie spoke about that for a little while before getting in to some other odd stuff. Bernhard told Howard about his experience in jail and how he was sued by 3 of the kids and lost one case. He had to file for bankruptcy and hasn't paid a dime towards that case. Bernhard said that he makes just enough money to live right now. He's now living back in Manhattan after taking some time away somewhere else. Howard mentioned something about Bernie selling electronics over the web but didn't get into any details. Goetz said that he does take the subway about 6 times a year but didn't want to talk about whether or not he brings a gun down there with him. At one point Bernhard mentioned that he has a squirrel as a pet. Not only that but the thing sleeps at the head of his bed! He also has a couple of chinchillas and a mouse. He said that he's donating the chinchillas to a day care center. Bernie went on and on about how great a squirrel is as a pet. He said they're very clean and his doesn't bite him anymore. Howard wondered where the squirrel went to the bathroom. Bernie said he had it trained to use a litter pan just like a cat but then the thing was eating the litter. He said that the squirrel now goes ''pee pee'' on newspaper. Who knew this interview would be so fascinating? Bernie said that the squirrel is a vegetarian just like himself. He adopted the squirrel as a baby after it was abandoned by it's mother. Bernie also spoke about his experience in jail. It didn't sound like he had that bad of a time. He said he requested solitary confinement but didn't get it. He did have a guy who protected him though. Howard put through a bunch of phone calls for Bernie and there were a few negative people. One hispanic guy went off on Bernie for bringing a gun in the subway. Bernhard is also planning to run for Mayor of New York City. He said that he'd like to run, probably as a Republican, for the next election. They didn't get into to many of his political views but did say that he's not against drugs.

• Mariah Carey Calls In. 12/15/98. 8:50am
  Singer Mariah Carey called in to promote her ''Mariah Carey Around The World'' special which airs tonight at 9pm on the UPN network. Howard met Mariah at the Blockbuster Awards show earlier in the year. As soon as he got her on the phone he told her that his biggest regret was not going to hang out with her backstage at the awards show. He was taping his show at the time so he couldn't just leave and go hang out. She really wanted to hang out with him and even waited for him at the bar. Howard was a little upset this morning because Mariah didn't show up live at the studio. She's in the area but didn't come on his show. She told him that she's afraid to come in. She also said she doesn't want to be filmed by the E! cameras so early in the morning. Howard told her that they wouldn't tape her appearance. She then said she'd do it because she didn't know it was an option. She was ready to come right over but it was a little late in the show so Howard just continued the conversation. Just about everything he asked her offended her. She didn't want to talk about her ex-husband Tommy Mitola or her ex-boyfriend Derek Jeter. Howard would say something about her liking black guys and she's tell Howard she didn't like when he asked such racist questions. Robin told Howard that Tommy Mitola was Mariah's first lay so he asked her about that. She didn't want to talk about that either. Howard asked her if she was in a feud with Madonna and Mariah said that she's not although Madonna likes to bad mouth her for some reason. Howard told Mariah that he'd like to start a friendly relationship with her where they'd get together and talk but keep the conversations private. She seemed to like the idea and told Howard to call her agent's office to set something up. I don't think that'll happen but you never know.

• The Stripper Knowledge Game Postponed. 12/15/98. 9:35am
  Howard started to play this game earlier just before Mariah Carey called in. He was interrupted by her call so it was put on hold for 45 minutes. Howard had this guy Jeff on the phone who sounded like a stroke victim. Jeff said that he was in a car accident 12 years ago and had a little brain damage going on. Howard was giving away a free trip to Las Vegas to some Alberto V05 party. Howard had tape of an aspiring Playboy model being asked some pretty simple general Knowledge questions. He played a little teaser for Jeff to give him an idea of how dumb the aspiring Playboy Playmate was. She told the interviewer, Stuttering John, that she went to high school, college and then joined the circus. John asked her ''Which weighs more, a pound of silicone or a pound of saline?'' she answered ''Saline.'' Jeff the phone caller thought the answer was ''Silicone'' so Howard told him he was just as dumb as the Playboy chick. ''A pound is a pound'' Robin said. Since it was getting so late in the show Howard decided to put the game on hold until tomorrow morning. Jeff isn't doing much tomorrow so he'll be playing once again.

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  -- Monday December 14, 1998 --

• TV Show Troubles. 12/14/98. 6:10am
  The first phone call Howard took this morning was bad news. A woman called in from the South Carolina area and told Howard that the TV station down there started to show the Saturday night show but cut in with WWF wrestling within a couple of minutes. That was just the beginning of the bad news. Howard went on to tell Robin how he freaked out when he heard that a CBS censor decided to bleep the word ''nig*er'' out of the show. Howard said he ended up throwing stuff around his home office. He broke a bunch of stuff and just went nuts. Another caller said Howard's show was preempted by a hockey game. Howard said he's ready to go in and resign from doing the Saturday night syndicated show ''The Howard Stern Radio Show.''

• Radio Show Troubles. 12/14/98. 6:20am
  It wasn't bad enough that Howard got all the bad news about the TV show being screwed up. A caller from Denver, Colorado called in to tell Howard about how they're editing Howard's words to make up fake conversations. The caller said that they edited Howard's conversation with Robin about going to see the new Star Trek movie to make it sound like he was talking to someone from the station. Howard told Gary to get on that and have his agent call them and make them stop. Shortly after that Howard was yelling at Gary for no apparent reason other than the fact that Gary stayed up late last night. It sounded like a father yelling at his son. Gary had stayed up until 11:20 last night to watch the Jets football game. Howard couldn't believe that Gary would stay up that late when he has to get up by 4:30am to get to the show. Gary didn't seem to think it was that big of a deal but Howard said Gary is dopey in the morning when he doesn't get enough sleep. Howard said he could see the dopiness on Gary's face. The two of them went at it for a few minutes until Howard played tape of a comedian that he likes. Howard then calmed down and moved on.

• Montana The Stripper And Her Natural Looking Fake Breasts. 12/14/98. 7:05am
  This woman called in last week and offered to show Howard her ''most natural looking fake breasts.'' She came in today and did just that. Montana works at a club down in Atlantic City, NJ called Delilah's Den. She's only been in the business for 3 months and she's only had the breast implants since July of this year. She's also 32 years old so she's starting her stripping career pretty late. Montana took off her top to show Howard just how natural they look. Howard told her that although they're great looking breasts, they're a little too perky to look like they're natural. Montana said her doctor told her that they'd take about 6 months before they look their best so she's got a month or so for them to fall into place. Howard noticed that Montana had a little bit of a belly on her. She knew it and said she needs to go on a diet and exercise to get rid of about 10 pounds. Howard told her to come back when she's lost 15. Montana said she works Friday through Sunday at Delilah's Den.

• Gary And Robin's Trip To Melissa Rivers Wedding. 12/14/98. 7:45am
  Gary and Robin went to Melissa Rivers' wedding over this past weekend. They told Howard about everything that happened and who was at the wedding. Gary estimated that Melissa's mother Joan spent about $200-300,000 on the wedding. Robin estimated it to be over $500,000! Gary said that he was standing just a couple of feet from Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford at the ceremony but he didn't talk to them. That's one reason that Howard didn't want to go to the wedding. Howard knew that he'd be uncomfortable with just about every celebrity at the wedding. Robin and Gary also saw Regis Philbin, Sally Jesse Raphael and Deborah Norville. Howard went off on Deborah Norville complaining about what a bitch she is. Robin said that Norville is one of those people who thinks she can dance but can't. Robin said she was out on the dance floor in the spotlight and she danced horribly. Gary said that Sally Jesse Raphael has such bad plastic surgery that she's barely recognizable. Howard asked Robin what she gave as a wedding gift. Robin said she spent $1500 on her gift which was a ½ setting of a soup bowl and plate. Gary said he spent $350 on one pierced salad spoon from Tiffany.

• Big Black Calls In With Kathie Lee Tape. 12/14/98. 8:10am
  Big Black called in with some tape of Kathie Lee Gifford talking about the Jewish Menorah. She was telling someone about the different colors needed for each candle on the menorah and Howard went off on her for being dumb. According to Howard there are no required colors for the candles on the menorah and she should know that since she was a Jew until she was 13. That led to Howard talking about Kathie Lee's recent Christmas special. Big Black had tape from that show also. He played some of Kathie Lee's kids singing and stuff like that. It really was awful. Howard also read an article about how bad the special was. The reviewer, Tom Shales, just ripped apart the horrible special and it's host. Big Black told Howard that if anyone wants to see a picture of him and Carmen Electra together they can check out his web site at www.bigblack.com

• Dr Steven Goldstein Talks Perimenopause. 12/14/98. 9:10am
  Dr. Steven Goldstein called in to plug his book ''Could It Be...Perimenopause?.'' He and Howard spent a while discussing what Perimenopause is and who it may effect. Dr. Goldstein says that women between the age of 35 and 50 who have symptoms of menopause but still get their periods may have this Perimenopause. He says that it can be caused by ''hormonal fluctuations'' with their estrogen. He told Howard that this can be controlled with the use of low dose estrogen birth control pills. A lot of women who are going through this don't know what it is and are sometimes being treated with the use of Prozac but that's not the correct way. Dr. Goldstein said he's just out there getting the word out so that women know they may be able to get help. Some of the symptoms that Dr. Goldstein talks about in the book are:
  • Forgetfulness
  • Losing your train of thought
  • Forgetting the name of a familiar face
  • Loss of concentration
  • Mood swings
  • Headaches
  Of course there were a lot more than that but Howard read through them pretty quick. At one point a Psychiatrist called in to argue with Dr. Goldstein about this whole thing. The shrink said that most of the symptoms mentioned could be attributed to men also so this Perimenopause thing was just a way to sell books. The Psychiatrist said that a lot of the symptoms could be linked to chronic depression. The two of them argued for a few minutes but there was no clear winner. You can find out more about what's in the book by visiting Amazon.com.