Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 10/19/98 to 10/23/98

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-- Friday October 23, 1998 --
• The Best Of Stern. 10/23/98.
  Howard was on vacation today. I don't know where he is or why he's off though. Whenever there's a ''Best Of'' show on I take a break from doing my usual stuff. I list the segments they play but I don't get into too much detail. So, listed below are today's featured bits:
  • ''Howard Stern Will Rock You'' song parody.
  • Phony commercial bit about the show.
  • Gilligan's Island song parody about the show.
  • Stuttering John interviews F. Murray Abraham and Katie Kouric.
  • Montel Williams brother asks Howard to tape something for Montel.
  • Stuttering John interviews Oliver North.
  • Pat Cooper gets pissed at Howard and walks off the show.
  • Stuttering Nina in a bikini.
  • Howard makes a call to a woman who wrote him hate mail and talks to her kid.

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  -- Thursday October 22, 1998 --

• Scott's Jinx Broken? 10/22/98. 6:05am
  Has Scott the engineer's losing streak come to an end? The Yankees won the World Series yesterday and Scott won the bet Howard made him take as an experiment. This may mean that his losing streak is over and perhaps the stock market will go back up where it belongs. After Howard talked about this he found out that Jackie was using a cane today. Jackie somehow re-injured his knee and needed a cane. This was no average cane though. It was a smoking pipe cane. It has a built in lighter. Howard was calling it ''Jackie's Hash Cane.'' Howard also mentioned that Mark McGwire is a pussy because he's not going to do the show. That's another name added to Howard's Shit List.

• David Wells Calls In. 10/22/98. 6:30am
  Yankees pitcher David Wells called in to talk to Howard about winning the World Series last night. Wells said he hadn't slept since winning the game out in San Diego last night. Wells and team mate David Cone spent about a half hour talking to Howard. Howard wanted to know why the two of them were alone in a room together and not with a bunch of women getting laid. The guys didn't really have a good excuse. They weren't drunk either. Wells said he was waiting until he comes back to New York before he gets smashed. Howard asked him what he's going to do after the parade tomorrow. Wells said he's going deer hunting in Michigan. No women again! Howard was obsessed with sex during this conversation. He just doesn't understand why these guys aren't getting laid left and right since they're big sports stars now. Howard did say that he's going to throw them a party in the studio with women and champagne. He said he'd even bring some deer into the studio so they could hunt together.

• Howard Gives Stacy A Breast Exam. 10/22/98. 7:10am
  Howard had a couple more breasts to examine today. Since it's breast cancer awareness month Howard has been offering free breast exams to any women who want them. This woman Stacy came in crying right away. I thought it was because Howard mentioned that he heard that she was kind of chubby. It turns out that she's a huge fan and she was just happy to meet Howard. Howard didn't spend a lot of time with Stacy but he did check for breast cancer on her large C or D cup breasts. Howard said that she is a big girl but didn't ask her how much she weighs. He said the breasts felt good but didn't keep her around long. Once he was done he ended the segment and moved on to the gossip game.

• The Gossip Game With Tiffany Taylor & Ratso. 10/22/98. 7:25am
  Playboy centerfold Tiffany Taylor and Howard's buddy Larry Ratso Sloman came in to play the Mike Walker game. Tiffany was scheduled to wrestle Howard but he wasn't so sure about doing that. He didn't want to get hurt. Ratso was in to plug his book ''Steal This Dream : Abbie Hoffman and the Countercultural Revolution in America'' for the second time. Howard spoke to the 21 year old Tiffany for a couple of minutes and moved on to the gossip game. Mike calls in each week with some stories from his National Enquirer column. 3 of the stories are true and 1 is false. Try to pick the false story.
  1. Matt LeBlanc has set up a secret date with Duchess Fergie. The two of them met on an episode of ''Friends.''
  2. Marlon Brando paid a couple $100 for take-out food they'd just gotten from a restaurant.
  3. Marv Albert and his wife are trying to adopt a child. They just need to find an adoption agency willing to give sexual deviant Marv a kid.
  4. Julia Louis Dreyfus' german shepherd swallowed a toothbrush while she was cleaning his teeth. The veterinarian told Julia that the dog would pass the brush ''the old fashioned way.''
  Tiffany and Howard both chose number 1 as the false story. Robin, Jackie and Ratso all chose number 4 as the false story. The actual false story was number 3. No winners this week.

  Howard took a break after the game. When he came back he spent a few minutes talking to Ratso about his house in the Hamptons. Howard heard that Ratso has a toilet that you're not supposed to flush toilet paper down. He has a trash can that he has to empty every night full of crap paper! Ratso said that's true because his septic tank is so close to the ocean that it fills up with sea water. Ratso says this is a common thing.. I don't believe it. Howard moved on to talk about Tiffany's Playboy layout. He said it may be the best one he's ever seen. Howard eventually decided to do the wrestling thing with Tiffany. It turns out that it was his idea. Howard said that if he pinned her he gets to kiss her. If she pins him she gets to plug her web site. The two of them went at it for a minute or two and Howard somehow pinned her down. He accidentally touched her breast too. Howard won so he got to kiss Tiffany. He said it was the most non-sexual kiss he's ever had. He gave out Tiffany's web site even though she didn't win. You can visit her site at www.tiffany-taylor.com.

• Semisonic Comes In To Perform ''Closing Time.'' 10/22/98. 8:50am
  The group Semisonic came in to perform their hit song ''Closing Time'' for Howard. He spent a little while getting to know the guys before they performed. He found out that they used to call themselves ''Pleasure'' for a while until they found out that there was another group with the same name. Their song ''Closing Time'' is the most requested song on MTV. The guys are also big fans of Prince.. er, uh the artist formerly known as Prince or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days. Their publicist is this woman who pissed Robin off at one time because she set up a meeting with ''X-Files'' creator Chris Carter. Robin was on vacation out in California when this woman invited her down to meet Chris. Her friend was insulting Robin the whole time. Howard had the woman come in and Robin was still pissed. After they went over the whole story Howard took a break. After the break they came back to perform the song. Everything went smoothly for a change and the song sounded pretty damn good. They also performed another song which I think was a Prince song.

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  -- Wednesday October 21, 1998 --

• Scott The Engineer's Jinx, Will It Kill The Yankees? 10/21/98. 6:10am
  Everyone knows that Scott The Engineer has a black cloud following him around. Well, Howard is experimenting with the World Series by having Scott bet on his team the Yankees. Howard wants to see if the Yanks will lose because Scott bets on them. Scott was reluctant at first but after a little prodding he agreed to put $100 up against Fred. Right now the Yankees are up 3 games to 0 against the Padres. Just so you know, after Scott got into the stock market it dropped and hasn't come back up. He used the money he won in his push up contest back in January. He said that he put $10,000 into the market and it's worth about $8,000 now. Yankee fans may want to avoid betting on their team.

• Guess Who Had A Breast Reduction Game. 10/21/98. 7:20am
  Good ol' KC had another game set up for Howard to play. You know what that means.. The game just didn't work right. KC had 3 women come in and Howard was supposed to guess which one had a breast reduction. Howard was under the impression that he was going to guess by seeing their naked breasts. The girls told him different. Howard thought he knew which girl it was right away. He guessed wrong though. It was a chunky woman who actually had the reduction. After they went over why she got them reduced from a DD-cup to a B-cup, Howard got to see them. He even gave them a breast exam since it's breast cancer awareness month. He examined all 3 of these women plus their friend who was in the green room. Most of the women were pretty good looking according to Howard. He seemed to enjoy the exams. The whole time Fred was playing a horn honking sound. One of the women was pretty drunk so Gary gave her a breathalyzer test. She blew a .26 alcohol level. She was pretty wasted and almost fell over while Howard was examining her breasts.

• Comedian Bob Schimmel Comes In. 10/21/98. 8:10am
  Bob Schimmel came in to plug his new CD ''If You Buy This CD, I Can Get This Car'' today. Schimmel is always a good guest and has a bunch of cool stories to tell. Today he told Howard a bunch of stories from when he was in school as a kid. He said he was about 13 when this bully used to make him hold his penis while he urinated. That same kid once waited for Bob on a bridge he used to cross on his way home. The bully stood with his penis hanging out of his pants and his hands on his hips like Superman. He told Bob that to cross the bridge he had to pay the toll. Bob didn't do it. He went home and told on the guy. Bob's parents went to the principal of the school and told him about what happened. The principal then told Bob that the next time that happens he should get as much of the guy in his mouth as he can and bite him. ''He'll never do it again'' the principal told them. Bob's parents pulled him out of that school. Bob also told a story about another bully. This guy used to steal everyone's candy. Bob and a friend bought some marshmallow peeps, little yellow chicken shaped candy, and stuffed them with dog crap. They then walked past this bully. The bully demanded the candy and ended up eating the candy! Bob said the guy didn't even know the shit was in them! Howard had his own stories of getting back at bullies. He once gave a bully some ex-lax disguised as chocolate. Bob also had a story about how he lost on Star Search because he called Ed McMahon a ''Fat Fuck'' behind his back. All of his stories were very entertaining as they usually are.

• Women Evaluated By Ralph, Ronnie And Wass. 10/21/98. 8:55am
  Two women came down to be evaluated by Howard and a panel of judges. They wanted to find out whether or not they're Playboy material. The three judges today were Ronnie the limo driver, Ralph the fag and Wass the doorman. Wass was on one other time and picked apart the women he evaluated. Before bringing in the women Howard spent a few minutes talking about how Ralph must be gay because he doesn't find the new camera woman, Tara, attractive. That went on for a little while and Tara ended up coming into the studio. Everyone else finds her very attractive but Ralph picks her apart. Eventually they got around to bringing in one of the women. This was Angelique. Angelique is 5'8'' tall and weighs a mere 100 pounds. She has 34-C breast implants. Sounds good but she must look a little old. Ronnie the limo driver was first to pick her apart. He said there's no way she's Playboy material. He said her implants are bad, they look too fake, she's too thin, bad nose job and her hair is bad. He gave her a 7 out of 10. He said she's pretty good looking but not Playboy good. Wass was up next to rip her apart. He picked apart everything from her nail color to her calves. He gave her a score of 3! It was brutal. It was so brutal that the E! cameras picked up tears in her eyes. Gary came in and said it looked like she was crying even though she was laughing. When Howard asked her about he she broke down and let the tears roll. Ralph didn't even get the chance to rip her apart. For the first time they made a women cry! Howard tried to calm her down and had her come over and hug him. Everyone was saying ''Ohhh'' like they were watching a little kid cry. She could barely speak after she started crying. Needless to say, Howard stopped the evaluation. This took so long that Howard had to take a break before bringing in the next wo-man. The next woman was Gia. As soon as she walked in Ronnie asked to see her hands. He had a suspicion that she might be a he. Her voice was kind of strange but she said she was getting over a cold. Ralph was first to pick her apart. He said her shoes were really bad and her middle was ''thick.'' He said she needs to diet and do some crunches. He also said that her implants were bad, her ass needs tightening, her makeup was good but lipstick was bad. He gave her an 9 for Playboy material and 6 as a girlfriend but changed it to an 8. Ronnie said she was sexy looking and she's looks like she'd be a whore in bed. Her hair and implants were bad. He gave her a 5. Wass picked her apart just like he did with the other woman. He gave her a 4 ½. Howard said that her legs and ass were okay but her boobs needed a lift. Her nose job wasn't too bad according to Howard. Then somehow Howard brought up whether or not she was hiding something in her panties. She said ''do you want to see?'' and pulled out HER PENIS! She's a HE! Gia is a transsexual porno star! For the next few minutes Howard and the gang all talked about whether or not they're gay. Howard was saying that she was sexy for a guy. He said that if he picked her up in a bar, took her home and got the greatest oral sex that he wouldn't get upset, he'd just never go back to her. Howard wanted Ralph to kiss Gia to see what it was like but he refused. What a strange day this turned out to be!

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  -- Tuesday October 20, 1998 --

• Anthony The Intern Told To Quit. 10/20/98. 6:50am
  If you saw this past weekend's Saturday night TV show you saw Anthony emptying the ''Pube Tray.'' The tray contained the water in which a woman cleaned her razor of pubic hair after shaving her private parts. Well, Anthony's mother saw the show and was so sickened by it that she told him to quit working on Howard's show. Anthony stood up to his mom and told her that he won't be quitting in the middle of a semester. Someone has to stick around to clean up after all of these people.

• Rapper Vanilla Ice Comes In. 10/20/98. 7:45am
  Remember Vanilla Ice from back in the early '90's? He had the hit song ''Ice Ice Baby'' and then vanished. Well, he's back with a new album. Howard said that the new album is getting good reviews. Howard was calling the guy by his real name of Rob. Rob talked about his rise to stardom and his fall into obscurity. He made a lot of money with his first album and managed to save a lot of it. He did release an album in 1994 that hardly anyone knew about. Howard was most fascinated by Rob's story about how Madonna invited him to her house. The two of them hooked up when he was a star. He said he banged her within a few hours of meeting her. She just did it to get a picture of him for her book. Rob said that she wasn't that good in bed although they did a lot of stuff in their 8 month relationship. He said he had sex with a lot of women back then. He found God after waking up in his own vomit one day. Now he's married. Rob also told Howard about how Shug Knight of Death Row Records strong armed him into signing some kind of contract that signed over some of his income to the guy. He said the story was blown out of proportion in the press though. They said that he was hung over a balcony and forced to sign the contract. Rob said there was no violence involved. Howard took a bunch of phone calls and there were a surprising number of positive ones. There were some negative calls there but Rob said he's not bothered by them anymore. Howard played some of Vanilla Ice's album ''Hard To Swallow'' before he left. The single ''Too Cold'' is much harder edged than his old stuff and Howard said he likes it.

• The Homeless Game. 10/20/98. 8:50am
  Howard has been talking about playing this game for about a week. He finally got around to it today. What they do is send someone out to interview a homeless person. They ask them general knowledge questions. Then they play the tape and try to guess whether or not they'll answer correctly. Howard usually puts someone on the phone to play along. That person has to get 3 out of 5 questions correct to win a prize. Today Howard wanted to get someone off the street to play but it took too long so he just went to the phones. Here's how the first player did:

  Question	Caller Says	Homeless Answer	Correct Answer?
  How many wheels are on a tricycle?	N	Seven	N
  What are the next two words to this Shakespeare line ''To be or not..''?	N	To be	Y
  How many toes do you have?	Y	10
  Name one ocean.	Y	Red Sea	N
  How many pints are in a quart?	Y	Two	Y

  That guy actually scammed his last answer but Howard let him win the Sony Playstation anyway. Howard went to a second guy and let him play. Here's how his game went:

  Question	Caller Says	Homeless Answer	Correct Answer?
  Name one olympic event.	Y	Alaska	N
  What do you call people who eat other people?	N	Cannibals	Y
  True or False, Dolphins walk on land.	PASS	They walk on ice	N
  What President is on the one dollar bill?	Y	George Washington	Y
  What is Viagra?	N	The devil	N
  Name one airline.	N	Annapolis	N

  This guy won a Playstation also. After that Howard and the gang went through the rest of the questions and bet on them. Here are the last of them:

  Question	Homeless Answer	Correct?
  How many quarters are in 75 cents?	Three	Y
  The Academy Awards are held how many times a year?	Five or six	N
  Old MacDonald owned what?	A Farm	Y
  What letters are vowels?	V, A, L, L, A...	N
  How many nostrils do you have?	Two	Y
  What is Karaoke?	No Answer	-

  On the last question the homeless guy got really pissed, asked for his money and ran off.

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  -- Monday October 19, 1998 --

• Robin's Message From Her Veterinarian. 10/19/98. 6:25am
  Robin gave a message to all of the people who sent letters and supported her Veterinarian after he was arrested on manslaughter charges. She said that the vet said to thank everyone for their support and to tell everyone that he's open for business. Robin said that she'd be making an appointment with him in the near future to have her cat's teeth cleaned.

• Jimmy From Toronto Interviews Ed McMahon. 10/19/98. 7:00am
  A DJ at Q107's sister station up in Toronto went out to an Ed McMahon's ''For Laughing Out Loud : My Life and Good Times'' book signing to ask a couple of questions. Howard had the guy, Jimmy, on the phone while he played the tape. The first thing you hear is Ed picking one lucky winner out of the people waiting to have their books signed. The asked the person his name and gave him a personal ''Heeeeeere's Liam'' like he used to do for Johnny Carson on ''The Tonight Show.'' Then Jimmy asked Ed ''Why did your last wife leave you?'' and ''Did you ever see Johnny's penis?'' Ed somehow knew the guy was from Howard's show and refused to answer the questions. Jimmy said there were only like 10 people at the signing.

• Porno Star Julie Ashton Comes In. 10/19/98. 7:05am
  Julie Ashton who hosts Playboy channel's ''Night Calls'' came in to promote the show. Julie used to do ''Night Calls'' with another woman but she left the show over the summer break. I guess she's working alone for now. Howard was drooling over Julie's outfit. She was wearing some kind of negligee. Julie also brought in a molded sex toy of her torso. Benjy the intern actually tried it out the other day and said it was pretty good. He told Howard that he took it into a restaurant bathroom and had sex with the thing. Howard couldn't believe that Benjy took it to a public restroom to do it. Benjy was impressed that the torso was modeled after a real woman. Julie said that the torso is available at www.risque.com for about $220. The delay was hit so many times during this part of the interview that it was hard to follow. Before Julie left Howard asked her if he could check her breasts for breast cancer since it's breast cancer awareness month. Julie agreed and went right over to him. Howard felt her up.. I mean, examined her for cancer. He did it from behind her and did both breasts at the same time. What a job!

• Phantom Of The Colon Fart Record Attempt. 10/19/98. 8:00am
  This guy calling himself ''Phantom Of The Colon'' claimed that he could beat the 5 minute fart record attempts in 3 minutes. The guy came in and started to do his so called farts. It didn't take long for everyone to figure out that the guy was a scam and he wasn't really farting. He confessed a couple seconds later and said that he was using a device called a fart machine. Everyone knew it was fake but Phantom thought he'd fooled everyone. The guy just wanted to get on the show but he didn't last long. Howard kicked his ass right out of the studio after that scam. The funny thing was that Howard didn't get that upset with Phantom but he got extra pissed at Scott The Engineer. Scott was holding a microphone near the guy's ass but KC already had one there. Scott was supposed to hold it up to the guy's mouth but he was so dumb that he put it at his ass. Howard couldn't believe what he saw. This whole thing turned into one big mess.

• Dr. Ferdie Pacheco Calls In. 10/19/98. 8:30am
  Dr. Ferdie is some fight doctor who was calling in to defend Mike Tyson's return to the ring. What this turned into was an insult contest between Howard and Dr. Ferdie. The Dr. was really stubborn and wouldn't listen to what Howard was trying to say. He would just keep talking while Howard yelled out questions. The guy was a real prick. He almost made up for his attitude when he told Howard that ''Private Parts'' was a really good movie.

• Charisma Carpenter Comes In. 10/19/98. 8:50am
  Charisma Carpenter, Cordelia on ''Buffy The Vampire Slayer'', came in to talk to Howard today. Believe it or not her name really is Charisma. Howard's research found that Charisma had a really good story about how she was almost raped. She spent a few minutes explaining that. She was out on some beach in San Diego with a couple of friends. Some guy had been stalking her for about a year and finally made his move. He was going to rob everyone but Charisma's friends ended up getting into a fight with the guy. One of them was critically shot by the guy. The stalker turned out to be a cop who had also raped other women some of which were under age. He's now serving 50 years in prison. After that story Charisma's half brother Ken called in. The two of them have drifted apart and he wanted to talk to her. He hadn't spoken to her since 1997. He's upset that she doesn't keep in touch. Howard thinks that he just wants to buddy up to her since she's a star now. Ken called for a second time near the end of the interview and wanted to know when the two of them could get together again. He sounded like a jilted lover or something. She doesn't seem very interested in getting back together with him so maybe he should just give it up. Charisma's boyfriend was with her also. Howard had him come in and he couldn't believe how good looking he was. Howard knew the guy must be a model as soon as he saw him. His suspicions were true. The guy is a model and has ''8 Pack'' abs. Robin just had to see them so he lifted up his shirt to show her. Before Charisma left she said that there will be a spin-off show from ''Buffy The Vampire Slayer'' called ''Angel'' and she should be in that show next fall. ''Buffy'' airs Tuesday nights on the WB network.