Our next intern was Stinky James the wacky intern. This nut wants to get a tattoo of Howard and Lenny Bruce in a yin yang type of shape. Howard told him to go right ahead and do it but warned him that it would be with him for the rest of his life. I don't think that James really cares.
These arguments went back and forth for quite some time. Mike Gange was saying too much so the Lawyer asked him specifically to be quiet. Howard was wondering how he could get Steve Grillo out of his office. He was afraid he was going to squat in there too.
Howard said he loves the interns. He could watch this stuff going on all day long. Howard called the office and asked to speak to Grillo. Howard asked him if he was locking himself in there. Grillo said he just had to go in and cool off for a minute.
They say they will be using fans as extras in some scenes so keep your eye out for announcements about casting calls!
(The following was added on 10/01/09) While Howard was going off on John and Gary he mentioned that John failed to tell him about a phone call he got from a big star yesterday. Howard said he needs to have a professional answering his phones.
John told Howard he took the call from the producer's assistant and the assistant told him it wasn't an important call. Howard said that John should tell him about the call anyway. He should have handed him a note about it. Howard said he could have told him it wasn't important but maybe he would have wanted to call the guy back.
Howard said he heard that John told the guy that he was in a meeting and he didn't take a message. John said that's not the way it went down.
Gary told John that he knew that call was important so he should have told him about it at least. Howard said he wanted to talk to the guy and he should have told him about the call. John said that's why he freaked out on the intern. He said he was told by the assistant that they were going to call back if the call was considered important. He never got that call back.
Howard said they need someone there who is accountable for the calls they take there. Howard said he's going to hire someone to answer those phones who can do it correctly. Howard said he's going to hire a Hitler that can run the office back there.
Howard told Gary and John that their day is coming. Gary said his day isn't coming anytime soon. Gary called Howard a loudmouth so Robin pointed that out to Howard. Howard told Gary that you don't call your boss a loudmouth. He said he lets him get away with it because he's too nice of a guy. He said he's going to hire a Nazi to take control of that office and they're going to have the power to fire people. Howard said he won't have anything to do with the position. Howard said he will find that person and that person is going to be a ball buster.
Howard asked John where his ''Nell'' tape was. John said he was caught up in other stuff and he didn't get it to him. Howard said John can't handle this office work. He said he's good at asking questions but he's not great on the phones.
Gary asked Howard what he wanted to do next. He gave him a list of things to do and Howard just said ''What?'' like he didn't hear a word he said.
Howard went off on Gary for not putting someone through on the phone and John told him he has to watch the movie ''Swimming With Sharks.'' He seemed to think that this was similar to something in the movie.
Howard lectured Gary on how he runs things there too. He asked the two of them to leave the studio and tried to move on. Howard said he wasn't sure what he wanted to do next. Gary asked him if treating people like this gives him the biggest orgasm. Howard said it really doesn't. Howard said he blows a stack when he thinks about all of this stuff going on.
Howard told the two of them to get out of there. Gary kept talking and wouldn't leave. Howard said this was ridiculous. He said he just wanted a phone call handed to him.
Howard said the other day the president of the company, Mel Karmazin, needed to see him. He said that his assistant called trying to get him. Howard said that he would take a call from Mel before he'd take a call from God. Howard said he can't fault the interns but guys like John and Gary should know that he has to take that call.
Gary came back in and told Howard and Robin about the interns reading a manual they have so they know the names of the important people who call there. He said that they do teach them who they need to know about. Robin didn't think they did but Gary told her they did.
Howard said that he's pissed at Tom Chiusano too because he sees all of this going on and just stands there saying that something needs to be done.
Howard started off the show saying he had some show today. They have Chuck Norris coming in to promote his book about Zen. He said he's going to tell Chuck there is no such thing as Zen. He'll also be talking to him about his 18 year old girlfriend. Robin said that Chuck has some 'secret pain' in his life so Howard figured it was the constant boner he has with that 18 year old.
Howard mentioned that Kenneth Keith and his date will be in today. He apparently lost it in the restaurant last night so Gary and Doug had to wrestle him to the ground. Robin said she's surprised he went through with the date at all. Howard said next week he's going to have a major announcement next week. Robin said she's tired of these announcements and she's not sure what he's doing. Howard said that it's a big deal for him and joked that it was book number 3. Robin told him that she'd crack his knuckles if he did that again. He promised her that he wasn't going to do that.
Howard said that Joey and Markie Ramone are coming in to talk about The Ramones upcoming break up. They've threatened this before but this time they claim it's for real. Howard said people say he looks kind of like Joey Ramone but he thinks that he looks a little better than him. Sometimes you can see that they do look a little bit alike though. Howard also thinks that he's built a little better than Joey so maybe they'll have a pose down today on the show. Howard said Joey looks a bit like a tripod and he never sees any sunlight. Howard admits that he doesn't see much himself but it's more than Joey.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was sorry about the Sam Kinison death. He also asked Howard what it was like when he introduced Sam to his mother when Sam was wasted. Howard said his mother was clueless about that stuff and wouldn't know if anyone was wasted. He said that he used to take drugs himself and his mother didn't have any idea. He said he used to take quaaludes and stuff and he and his friend would sit in the back yard and sleep on the chaise lounges. His mother had no idea they were wasted.
Howard said he remembered another time when he was high at his sister's wedding. He said his mother had made him cut his hair for the wedding and he was getting high the whole weekend because he was so gawky. He said he went out and got wasted and came back to the wedding. His mother asked him to dance with her so he did that. She told him that his cousin stunk from pot so he played along with that and told her that it was disgusting. He figured someone told her that his cousin was stinky and she had no idea that he was high too. He said there was no more fun in his life than being smashed out of his mind on sedatives in the back yard of his parent's house.
Howard said that if you take two ludes there's not much chance of you not falling asleep. He told some more stories about the girls he used to bang when he was high. He said he had one girl who was uglier than Whoopi Goldberg and how he got nauseous after banging the chick.
Howard said that woman calls him and she's threatening to sue him. Robin said it just happened yesterday and now she's threatening to sue. She wondered what law Howard had broken that would allow the woman to sue him. Howard said she's just a coward and there's no chance of her arguing with him. He said she's nothing but negative and no match for his quick wit.
Howard called for a debate from those two. He said he'd like to have both of them in the studio to do that but he's sure she won't accept. He had to go to break after that.
The two of them were talking about various things and Ken was acting kind of odd. Howard said he never tires of that guy. Gary said that they had a lot of pauses during their discussions and they'd think something was wrong until they started talking again.
Howard asked Robin if he had this story right because his reading comprehension isn't all that great. He read this story about Jerry Seinfeld and his young girlfriend Shoshona Lonstein. They talk about the pre-nup that her parents are looking for Jerry to sign. Howard didn't think the story was right. Jackie tried to say something but his microphone hadn't worked for two days so Howard complained about that for a short time. He said he hears other radio stations where you can hear the guests no problem. It's not like that there though.
Howard and Robin got back to the discussion about the Jerry Seinfeld story. They spent a couple of minutes on that and Howard figured out that his reading comprehension was just fine for that story.
Howard read an article about Imus and his awful show getting canceled from the Rochester, NY market. He did an impression of him and then said that Imus should go back to doing cocaine and maybe he'd be funny. It seemed to work for Kinison according to Howard. Howard was goofing on him about the ''I-Man'' name he's been given. Gary then came in and interrupted asking if he wanted Kenneth Keith in there. Howard told him to let him finish his Imus rap first. Gary apologized and said he'd forgotten.
Howard said that they claim that Imus was near the top of the ratings in that article. He said the guy doesn't have his facts straight because Imus isn't near the top of the ratings in any market. He said reporters just report stuff that isn't true. He continued to read the article and a guy from the radio station claimed that he had a couple hundred calls from fans who were upset. Howard said Imus had a 1.5 rating there and they have an error of + or - 1 point so it's possible that he only had a .5 rating.
Howard said that if any market wants the Imus show, all they have to do is ask for it because they will give it away for free to get him on in any possible market they can get him into. He and the guys continued to goof on Imus doing impressions of him and making fun of the fact that he had been canceled in that market. Howard said that Imus is supposed to be ''the thinking man's shock jock.'' He laughed at that. He also wondered how the press gets duped into thinking that guy has any ratings.
Howard said he had to go to break after that but Gary came in and said that Chuck Norris had just showed up so they might have to get to him first. Howard said he'd get to Chuck first to talk about his new book. He said that he doesn't believe that Chuck believes in this Zen stuff he wrote about. He said the book is good and he figures Chuck wrote it but he doesn't believe he's really into it. He figures that Chuck is spiritual because he's got a 20 year old girlfriend and he's never been happier in his life. Howard said Chuck was angry in his first marriage and that's when he was kicking everyone's ass. He went to break after that.
Howard talked about the karate classes he took and how hard it was to get his belts. He said he would practice every day driving his hand into the sand to perfect his move to kill a man. He said he could take his hand and pile it into him and knock the wind out of him, killing him over a two day period. Chuck said that's known as the ''touch of death.'' Howard said he also has very long legs and he could beat someone's face from feet away. He said that would be humiliating to do that to a man like Chuck.
Howard noticed the ring that Monica had on her finger so he asked Chuck if it was like $100,000. Chuck said it was and also told Howard that they're getting married in about 6 months. Howard said he'll have to throw Chuck another bachelor party before that happens.
Howard was talking to Chuck about how tough it is for him to walk down the street when he doesn't have the physical prowess that Chuck has. Chuck said he believes that he does have that prowess though. Chuck told Howard that he remembers that Kenneth Keith guy because he was at a show he was on one time and saw him trying to eat his hair after cutting it off. He also tried to blow smoke out of his eye one time and ended up turning bright red as he tried to blow it out. Howard told him that Kenneth wanted to blow smoke out of his eye today for him. He told the guys to bring Ken in there to see Chuck.
Kenneth Keith came in and asked Chuck what's up. Howard asked him if he wanted to blow the smoke but Ken didn't have a cigarette. Howard wondered if Chuck could teach something to Kenneth about this Zen stuff. Chuck said that Ken might not be able to learn anything but he was just joking around. He said that pretty much anyone could learn this stuff. He said it's just a form of meditation. Howard said that the first step is to meet a blonde about 1/3rd your age and take it from there.
Howard asked Kenneth if he could focus on anything and if he has any goals. Ken said that it's to be rich and famous of course. Gary came in and said that Ken was talking about getting an agent to help him out with his career. Howard didn't think that was something that would help him out with his Zen. He told Gary to get Ken out of there after that.
Howard asked Chuck about the wedding and if they got a pre-nup written up. Chuck said they took Howard's advice and had one written up so they're all set. Howard figured that Monica would end up with the clothes she had on her back today and that was it. That led to them talking about their upcoming honeymoon and what they're going to do with that. Howard said he would get kind of nervous walking around with such a hot chick on some cruise like they were planning to do. Chuck said that stuff doesn't bother him at all.
Howard asked Monica if she was going to be nude sun bathing. Chuck said that this island they're going to is a nude island so they will both be nude. Howard said he must have a huge hose if he's willing to do that. Chuck told a story about how he had confused an American Indian word for Wolf which was actually the word for ''well hung'' one time. He said that he's known as ''well hung'' on the set of his TV show now because of that.
Howard asked if Chuck has ever walked on a nude beach and had people staring at him. He said he's never done anything like that before so he's not sure what will happen. Howard told Monica that he's never been with a woman as beautiful as her. He dated a lot of ''triple baggers'' in his time.
Howard had a guy on the phone who claims that he was paralyzed one time and after reading Chuck's book he was able to get back to walking. He told Howard that he was in this car accident that paralyzed him from the waist down. He said he wrote to Chuck after that and Chuck basically told him to get off his ass and do something and not feel sorry for himself. Howard let that caller go a short time later. Howard was claiming that he does nice things too and hung up on him.
Howard asked Chuck if that guy had found his own inner Zen. Chuck said he thinks that's what it was. He went on to tell Howard another story about this guy who taught him about this Zen thing and about his ''inner eye.'' He said the guy showed him that he could see this light inside this inner eye and Chuck ended up kneeling there for five hours without even realizing that he was there that long. That led to him studying this Zen thing. Howard wrapped up with Chuck a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that this girl Maureen was a knock out so her wanting to go on this date was a real surprise. He checked her out when she came in and said he was trying to find some flaws but wasn't able to. He talked about how she was complaining about Ken's teeth and stuff when she met him yesterday. Howard said she has a great face and looks like she could be Amy Lynn's sister. He heard that she owns horses and stuff so she must have some money to be able to afford that.
Howard brought up Ken's teeth again and Kenneth said that she's got a big mole on her face. He claimed that Gary told him to say that but Gary said he didn't see a mole on her face at all. Ken said he was just kidding and he really likes her a lot. He said she doesn't want to go out on another date with him. She said that he kind of frightened her on the date.
Howard wanted to go over their whole date so he talked about the restaurant they went to and played some audio clips from the date. In the first clip Ken was talking about wanting to sniff Maureen's panties and it was obvious that he was doing that for the camera. Maureen said that Ken has awful social skills and he doesn't have all that much to talk about. She said that the conversations would just die when she brought up subjects. She thinks that he was more concerned about performing for the camera. Ken said he can't be himself in front of the camera.
Howard played another clip where Maureen was asking Ken what he likes to do for fun. Ken told her that he likes to go out to see bands and stuff but he didn't add much to the conversation other than that. He did say he used to collect milk bottles though. Maureen said she likes to ride her horses and stuff while Ken was talking about digging up milk bottles from the woods. Howard asked him about that and why he would do something like that. Ken said he did that because they stopped making those bottles.
In another clip Gary explained that Ken paused during their conversation for about 25 seconds. Gary said he wasn't able to order food correctly. He ordered hot and spicy food and then complained about it to the waitress even though it was described as hot and spicy. Howard told Maureen that if she was his daughter, he would have to kill her before he'd let her go on a date with Kenneth Keith. He said it would be a mercy kill.
Maureen said that she was still fascinated with Ken and still had some kind of feelings for him. Howard said when she tried to leave the date yesterday, Ken wouldn't take no for an answer. Kenneth said that she wouldn't give him her name and phone number so he stood outside of her hotel waiting for her to walk by instead. He said he was there for 3 hours standing there like a mental patient.
Howard said Doug Goodstein was there and saw Ken making all kinds of weird body movements so Maureen got scared and walked away. Doug came in and said that Ken had a glare in his eye that was really, really scary. Maureen said it was like taking a bone away from a dog or something. Doug said Ken wanted to go to the airport with her and to go back to her hotel with her. Ken said that he tried calling her at the hotel but he wasn't able to get a hold of her because she had given him a fake name that was similar to others.
Doug said that he was thinking about trying to hook up with this chick but Maureen said she didn't even notice him. Howard couldn't believe that Maureen was really into Kenneth Keith but it seemed like she really was. Maureen said that she was still thinking about going out with Ken again but she's not sure she'd be safe after what happened yesterday. Howard asked Ken if he's a dangerous guy. Kenneth said he's never done anything wrong but the guys thought that he had but didn't say exactly what they were talking about.
Maureen said that she really didn't feel safe going out with Ken today. Ken said that he's not a mental patient, she's the mental patient. She said that she got his messages at the hotel but she really didn't feel last night so she was ready to go to bed. She said he really wanted to go out again but she was feeling ill so she wanted to go to bed.
Howard told Ken that this girl is the closest he's going to get to a normal chick. Ken tried talking to her again but he didn't have all that much to say to her. He told her that he's really a normal guy and she should go out with him. He said he'd be cool today but didn't have much else to say to her. At one point Howard had Ken dancing for Maureen to show her his moves. Ken was putting her crotch in her face so that was kind of scary. Howard put a stop to that and asked Maureen if she would go on a date with him or not. She said that she would consider it. Ken said he'd be normal over and over again.
Gary told Ken to act the way he did before he got on the show. Ken said he thinks he's too normal, that's what the problem really is. He said he went out to eat with Melrose Larry Green yesterday and he thinks that guy is a wacko. Howard said that maybe Ken and Maureen can talk about this stuff out in the hall and figure it all out. Maureen said she knows that he plays this stuff up for the camera but when he is himself, she thinks that he's not that interesting. She said he doesn't have any middle ground, he's really boring off camera. He was also chewing his food with his mouth open and letting the food drop on the table while the camera was on him. She said that kind of turned her off.
Howard let the two of them go off to talk about this whole thing. Ken said he'd go to the bathroom in the hallway if that's what Maureen wanted him to do. Howard told him to go ahead and do that but then told him not to actually do it. Ken and Maureen left after that.
Howard said that they got OJ's phone number accidentally when Larry Ratso Slomin overheard some guy giving out the number at the airport. He wrote it down and gave it to them so they tried calling. They go through but they weren't able to get OJ on the phone. They decided to try calling him again on the air. Gary dialed the number and Howard told him what to say when someone picked up the phone.
Gary called and got OJ on the phone but OJ told him he was asleep and couldn't talk. Howard said he can't be asleep, he answered the phone. Howard then went on to goof on OJ about the double murders and all of that. He and Fred created a conversation using clips of OJ from a previous appearance on the show and goofed around with that for a short time. They went to break a short time later.
Joey came in and Howard said that he could never figure out their financial situation. Markie said that they're very comfortable and they're not living out on the street. Joey said that they're fuckin loaded. Howard told him not to use the F-word because he'd have to bleep it. Joey said that he's ready for the abuse on the show this morning. Howard told him he wasn't going to abuse anyone. He spent a short time talking to Joey and had to ask him to stop using the F-word this morning. He had cursed for the second time already and they were only in for a couple of minutes.
Howard asked Joey if he gets a lot of people saying he looks like Howard Stern. Joey said they get that all the time and even Markie gets it. Robin noticed that Joey has stopped dying his hair that jet black color he used to. He said he doesn't do that anymore and just lets it grow the natural color. Howard was trying to figure out if either Joey or Markie have good physiques but he couldn't tell.
Howard asked the guys if they ever get asked to keep their clothes on when they're by the pool at a hotel. They said they get asked to wear hair nets because their hair is so long. Joey was telling Howard that he's been sober for 7 years now. Joey said he never had to go to rehab but Markie did. Markie said he went to a couple of different rahabs and has been off the sauce for about 12 years now.
Howard said he had to play this old tape of Joey calling Gary and leaving a message while he was drunk. Joey was really out of it and said ''Welcome to my nightmare...'' and asked to speak to ''St...eahhh'' which was supposed to be Stern. Howard said that Joey is the definitive rock star and he wrote the book on all of that.
Howard asked Joey if he's really upset about bands like Green Day because they're doing so well. Both Joey and Markie said that they're not bitter, but they are going to retire. They get no support from the radio industry so they have nowhere to go from where they're at now.
Howard said he thinks that the guys are upset because they started something and they get no respect. He said he can hear it in their voices that they're upset about this stuff. Joey said that Howard is an originator and he should know how they feel. Joey claimed that he was going to get himself a radio program like Howard has. He was just joking and said that he's going to open up a club in the city and continue to do music as well. Howard figured the guys would do a comeback tour eventually. They claimed that this was it and they would not be coming back.
Joey said that he heard that the guys in Green Day had actually named their kids after them. One of the kids was Joey and the other was Ramona. Howard interrupted and asked who the hot chick was that was with them out in the green room. He had Gary bring in the girls and Gary said he had to meet Kim. Howard said she was his type and found out she's with the record company.
Howard asked Joey and Markie if they were banging that chick. They weren't so Howard told them that they should be, they're rock stars. He talked to Kim a little bit and said that she's got a great body. He told her she had great hair and checked out her boots. She told him that she's 30 years old so Howard said he anted some of that. Howard asked Joey if he ever goes after chicks like that. Joey started to say he doesn't talk about that stuff but then said ''Yeah...'' He hadn't tried with her though. He said it did make him proud to be on the record label they were on though.
Howard asked Kim what kind of money she makes doing that job. She said she didn't want to say and have everyone knowing what she makes. Howard said that he'd be right on top of her if he were either of those two guys. Howard asked Kim if he could give her a kiss before she left. She said ''absolutely'' and went over for her kiss. Howard kissed her and Robin said ''Wow! Look at that!'' as he was doing it. Howard asked if he was a good kisser. She told him that he's got great lips. Howard said she tried to tongue him but he closed his mouth. Howard said that was really nice and he can't believe that Joey and Markie don't do that. Howard said that maybe the drugs that Markie and Joey did left them limp.
Howard said that he loves The Ramones and thinks that Joey is underrated as a singer. He played some of their CD. Markie told Howard that he should watch out for Kim's canker sore. He was just joking around though. Howard was afraid he had seen something that he didn't. Howard played one of The Ramones songs and said that Joey's voice is great. He sounded great and so did the band according to Howard. They told Howard that they were going to be on Letterman performing that song. Howard said that's one of his favorites off the new album.
Markie said that he wanted to announce that his new band was going to be called Markie and the Intruders. They spent a minute on that but Joey kept making reference to Howard's OCD so Howard thought that maybe he had it as well. Joey said he didn't want to talk about it. Markie said he'd seen Joey doing some of that stuff so Joey went off on him for bringing that crap up. Howard said he had OCD but he got rid of it. He never admitted he had it because it was embarrassing to him. Joey said that he doesn't have it that bad but Howard told him he could get rid of it completely if he just read this book he read.
Howard asked Joey and Markie about the OCD some more and Markie revealed what he knew about it. Joey didn't want him talking about it but they kept going for a few minutes. Howard got them back on the retirement subject and spent a little time talking to them about what they're going to do now. They have plans to do all kinds of stuff. They don't think they can go much further with the band at this point so it's time to call an end to it.
Howard said that one of their interns, Richard, had gotten into a fight with Joey at some club one night. Richard came in and explained that he was drunk that night and he was just joking around. They spent a short time on that and Howard said he had to wrap up the interview. He said he's not sure why, but these guys are retiring. He wished them luck and went to break a short time later.
Richard refused to bad mouth Pearl Jam but stuttering John came in and said that he really doesn't like that band or any bands like that. John was also saying that Richard had said that The Ramones were washed up at this point. Howard said that even the Ramones are saying that so it's not that bit of a deal. Ralph came in and told Howard about some of the other things that Richard was saying about The Ramones.
stuttering john said Richard gets upset about the stuff he says when he's drunk but that doesn't stop him from doing it. He keeps drinking and insulting people. Howard let Richard go and called him Mr. Vedder when he was walking out.
Howard said he's been getting dizzy and sleepy at this time of the show every day because of his dieting. He said he can barely stay awake now. Robin said she wanted to ask Richard a question about where he's living now because she heard that he had broken up with his girlfriend and was living with Stuttering John.
Howard asked Robin to start her news after that. She started as Fred was playing her theme music. She read through a bunch of stories as Howard tried to stay awake.
Gary got an answering machine so he left a message telling OJ that they would like to invite him on the air and he could give out his 800 number if he wanted to. Howard had him tell OJ that he could have a date with Robin as long as he didn't cut her head off. Gary left their phone number off the air.
Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about OJ and what they should have said to get him on the show. Howard said Gary should have invited him to go play golf with him or something. That might have worked better. Howard said he could have spoken to OJ as if he were on his side in the whole murder thing. He said he could have talked to him about how he didn't think he'd ever do it again and he knows that things must have been tough with that white woman giving him a hard time.
Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. A short time later Howard was asking Robin to test out her acting but she wasn't getting into it and didn't want to take direction from him. Howard told her he could teach her but if she didn't want to listen, he couldn't help. Howard demonstrated how sad he could be by thinking of something really sad and then reciting ''Row, Row, Row Your Boat'' to her. He did that but Robin just laughed the whole time. Howard told her to go row her boat herself when he tried doing it again. He wrapped up the show a short time later, around 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre time).