MarksFriggin.com started logging the show in 1996 so there weren't any show rundowns from any years before that... until Howard got control of the K-Rock tapes in 2006 after moving to SIRIUS Satellite Radio. They started playing some of the older shows on Master Tape Theatre so I typed up some rundowns for those shows. Below you'll find the 1995 shows that I did manage to write up...
Howard was out today and in his place we heard another edition of Master Tape Theatre with host Sir Harden Thicke. Master Tape Theatre is a replay of an entire Howard Stern Show from sometime the past 20 years. Today's show was a replay of the February 23, 1995 show. This show was not in my archives so I'll give a quick rundown as I heard it today. Times are approximate and may be off from what they were in 1995 since they had less commercials to play at SIRIUS.
Howard started off the show telling Fred he should sing the ''I'm Too Sexy'' song as Steve Grillo. He thought that would be pretty funny. Fred wasn't sure if they had the music available to do that. Howard took a commercial break a short time later.
Gary came in and told Howard that the King of All Messengers had a new prank call to play for them. Howard got King on the line and talked to him about why he had been missing from the show for a while. King said he had some prostate problems. King then played his prank call where he asked a police officer about getting some radios hooked up to hear the Howard Stern Show.
Howard was having some trouble hearing the call so he complained to King about the volume. Gary came in and said that something changed because it was loud and clear when he listened to it. King said he hadn't changed anything and he had the volume of the radio turned all the way up. He tried playing his second call where he asked a TV show host if they had found a donor for a penile implant for Howard Stern. Mel said that he had fallen asleep listening to that call. Howard also said that was one way to break his momentum on the show.
Howard talked about his anal fissure after hearing about King of All Messenger's prostate problem. He said he thought he had prostate problems himself but after going to a doctor they found this anal fissure he had. He said the doctor was rummaging around in there and found this giant hole in his butt. He said it can make a guy think he's got prostate problems when they actually don't.
Howard said he changed his wiping techniques after that and went to a 3 wipe method that he included in his book. He said he had to stop scratching his ass too because he used to have that problem. Howard said he doesn't go for that itch anymore. He said he used to scratch so much that he'd make a mess in his underwear. There would be spots of blood and other things in there and they'd be really foul looking. He said the underwear would have dimples from where he stuck his finger in there. He said there were a lot of earth tones in his underwear. Howard said he eventually struck a vein and hit gold in there. That's when he got the anal fissure.
Howard joked that they were going to rename Rolling Stone to Rolling Bone. He said he didn't know if that story was true or not. He asked Gary to get Jann on the phone but he was pretty sure that wouldn't happen.
Howard talked more about the Greg Louganis story and how he had known about being HIV positive back in 1988 when he cracked his head open in a pool accident. He didn't tell anyone about the HIV even though he was bleeding.
Howard read another story about OJ Simpson that said he may have been hopped up on drugs at the time of the murders. He read the story where they talked about this drug dealer who claimed that OJ had purchased drugs from him that night, June 12th. Howard wondered if OJ would be able to get off of the murder charges even though he figured the guy was definitely guilty. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said his father was telling him about their local cable operator that stopped running the E! channel half a day and they were going to share that channel with Bravo and E! but then they took E! off. Howard said he doesn't know why they would do such a thing but he had no control over it. He said it seems like his parents call to irritate him.
Howard said he had a guy make a call to him telling him that his father had a heart attack on the show the day before. It turned out to be a prank call. He said he was having a good day at home just watching TV and stuff when his mother called him last night. She was telling him that the person must have really hated him to do something like that to him. Howard said the listener didn't hate him, he loved him and that's why he pulled the prank on him.
Howard did an impression of his parents and goofed on them for a short time. Gary came in and told Howard that Mike Gange had told him that the E! channel was starting to air on the Bravo channel that day. Howard continued to talk about the call he got from his father about the E! and Bravo channel sharing thing. He said his father was quizzing him about what the Bravo channel was. He didn't know but his father wouldn't tell him.
Howard said he got the call from his mother and he almost didn't pick up the phone. He said his mother got on and he didn't say a word to her. He let her call out his name a few times asking if anyone was there. He eventually got on and his mother joked that they were calling in from the hospital, referring to the prank call the listener had made that morning. After she worked him over on that his father got on the phone.
Howard talked about Cablevision screwing around with the E! channel and how they seemed to be teaching all of Long Island a lesson by not putting him on with the E! channel. He talked about how great the Jan Michael Vincent show was that they had run last night. He talked about how amazing it was that the guy showed up to the show after being involved in a car accident the day before.
Howard talked about how Jan was shooting a movie with Dom Deluise and Dom had to repeat all of Jan's lines because his face was so swollen from his accident. They wrote that into the script and the whole scene was pretty funny when it wasn't supposed to. Howard played some of the audio from that movie and got a few laughs from it. They had to take another break after that.
One caller asked Howard what Gary's qualifications were when he hired him. Howard said he had zero qualifications and he had no money to pay Gary when he brought him on. Howard said he had $150 in the budget back at WNBC and that's all he could pay Gary. He had to be willing to work for that money so that's how he hired him. Howard said that Gary used to work with the traffic woman over at NBC and he'd get yelled at all the time. Howard said he needed a guy to run for him over there and Gary was the guy who came cheap. The caller figured that anyone could be a radio producer.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard when he's going to get his own late night TV show. Howard didn't understand the guy's question at first so he had to try and figure out what he was talking about. He eventually figured he was asking about when he was going to get his own show. Howard said he figures that the people in late night TV know that he could beat them and he would eventually be offered a show.
Howard said that people figured that Letterman and Leno were already set in their paths and the networks are afraid of someone like him because he's so cutting edge. Howard said there's no lack of sponsors on his show and it shows because he can barely get a word in during the show because there are so many commercials.
Howard talked about the movie he was going to be making (Private Parts) and how many versions of the script he had to go through before he settled on one. He didn't want to give his audience something that sucked. He said he has to do things that are right for his career. He's not going to go on network TV and do a show that's crummy, especially if he doesn't have the network fully behind him.
Howard talked about how some networks end up screwing over their talent after their shows fail. He used Chevy Chase as an example since FOX screwed him over so much after his show failed. He said they offered him a show but they didn't want to pay him anything because they had already given Chevy Chase a ton of money. He said he remembers asking to do a show from the Chevy Chase Theater just so he could use that name. He asked Robin why they don't just call their radio studio the Chevy Chase Theater.
Howard said that Amy is too good looking and he wasn't going to do a whole thing with her. Then he figured he could do a dial-a-date thing and maybe have her in the studio to get under his console and suck his feet. She said she would do that and wear nothing if he wanted. She said that she would do that just for him, not for anyone else in there.
Howard was talking about how some women don't want to get naked in the studio because they find Jackie to be kind of creepy. Amy said that she finds Billy West to be a very creepy guy and he looks possessed on the E! shows.
Howard asked her what she's wearing this morning and found out she was at work and wearing clothes. She didn't hesitate to moan a bit for him on the phone though. Howard put her on hold and said he'd have to figure out what to do with her.
Howard said he had that chick pushed up against a wall when she was in the studio. He also figured that they had already run that show on E! but he still wasn't sure.
Miss Vicky told Howard that he was classically handsome. Robin reminded Howard that she did marry Tiny Tim after she made that comment. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Vicky about how she's a fan of the show and how she's been listening for a long time.
Howard asked Vicky about her cup size and found out she wasn't wearing a bra. She said she manages to keep in shape from dancing. She got married after Tiny Tim and things never really worked out for her. She said she had a child with Tiny Tim but she doesn't keep in touch with him. She was 23 at the time of this interview.
Howard asked Vicky about how she met Tiny Tim. She met him at a department store at a book signing that she hadn't planned to go to. She said he came on to her and she ended up giving him her number. He eventually invited her to Atlantic City to meet with him even though she was only 17 at the time. She said her mother actually went there with him and encouraged her to go out with him if she really did like him. They didn't seem to mind her going out with him at all.
Vicky said she was a virgin at the time when she met him and she was actually only 16 when she first met him. She hadn't even kissed him for a long time. She said that she hadn't kissed him or anything like that before they got married. Howard noticed that she had a perfectly flat stomach and great boobs. He said he likes that kind of chick.
Howard asked Vicky when Tiny Tim asked her to marry him. She said they were in Atlantic City at the time and they had only known each other for a couple of months. Tiny asked her to marry him and she wasn't sure if her parents would approve. They didn't have a problem with it and Tiny didn't even want to have pre-marital sex with her. Robin said she remembers Tiny not believing in having sex before marriage and how wrong he found that to be.
Howard had to take a break in the middle of the interview. After the break Howard got back into it with Miss Vicky. He said he felt like they were bonding during the break. Howard said that Miss Vicky and Tiny Tim got married on the Tonight Show and it was the highest rated Tonight Show ever from what Robin remembered. The only other show that got bigger ratings was Johnny Carson's final show.
Vicky told Howard that Tiny had already been booked to do the Tonight Show at the time so he invited her to go with him. That's when Carson invited him to get married on the show. Tiny agreed to it but hadn't asked her about it. Vicky said the whole scene was kind of wacky so it wasn't all that strange that it happened. She hated the idea of getting married on TV though. She said she was looking forward to going to Hollywood parties but not getting married on national TV.
Howard said that when Vicky was walking down the aisle her father told her that she could leave if she didn't want to get married. Vicky said she knew that nothing was going to happen on their wedding night as far as sex. She said that Tim had told her that they were going to wait a few weeks before doing anything.
Vicky talked about how she and Tiny went on their honeymoon in the Bahamas. She couldn't remember when it was that they finally did have sex. She said that Tiny came and knocked on her door and invited her into his room to have sex. Howard said she probably needed a lot of ludes back then. She said she didn't know about those drugs back then but she wishes she had. Howard asked her how that all went down. She said they had some dinner and some wine with that. She knew it was the night for sex after he invited her into his room.
Vicky said that Tim didn't take all of his clothes off and he didn't take all of hers off either. She said she was getting creeped out talking about all of this stuff. She said it only lasted about 30 seconds and it didn't feel good. He didn't give her any foreplay either so things didn't go all that well for her. She got pregnant from that one bang. She said she's always been very fertile so it didn't take much. Tiny didn't try to touch her much after that. She said it was a few more times in the next couple of years.
Vicky said that Tiny would have guy friends stay over at their apartment on many occasions but she wasn't sure what he might be doing. She had also mentioned that he wore women's panties because they felt silkier to him. She said their marriage lasted until their daughter was about 2 years old. She said the marriage would go on and off through that time because she would run back to her parents once in a while. She said Tiny didn't keep in touch with his daughter. She ended up having kids of her own so Tiny was a grandfather. Vicky said that she did tell him about that.
Howard asked Miss Vicky if she wanted to dance with him. She talked about the go-go dancing that she did years ago so Howard wanted to get his hands on her. He put on a Hammer song that he liked to dance to in the studio. She started dancing with Howard and he said he'd like to get it on with her. He said she can move pretty good for a grandmother. Howard figured that was more foreplay than Tiny gave her. He thanked her for coming in and went to break a short time later.
Howard wanted to play some tape of Chevy Chase but he had to wait for that to get set up for him. He said that Steve Grillo, who had been working for them for just 3 years, was going to sing this song for them. Grillo came in and told the guys that he should have graduated the year before if he wasn't in this college he was in. He said if he was a normal college, he would have graduated already. Howard told Steve it seems like he's wasting his time in that college.
Howard goofed on Steve's speech and how he barely has the ability to talk. Gary also said that the college had a problem with them the last time they talked about the school he was going to. Howard moved on and talked about the way Steve says certain words since they wanted him to sing this song using some of those words. He told Fred to sing it first to show Steve how to do it right.
Fred sang Right Said Fred's ''I'm Too Sexy'' in his Steve Grillo voice and did his impression of him through the song. Steve figured there was no way he could top that song. He said that Fred had stolen the show with that performance. Howard had him sing anyway. He tried the song but he didn't seem to be putting much effort into it. Howard took over and did his impression of Steve as he sang the rest of the song. He had to take another break after that.
Howard moved on to play some Chevy Chase press conference audio clips. Chevy was talking about what his late night TV show was going to be about. Howard and Robin were goofing on him as soon as they heard him speak. Howard would play a short clip and interrupt it within seconds to pick it apart.
Howard said he would love to see tape of those old Chevy Chase shows so they could play them and pick them apart. He figured that Chevy's wife Janie probably taped them so maybe she could send them along. Howard got back to the press conference and played clips of him talking about what he's done in his career. Howard had to take another break after that.
James said he has to come in there and play his album for him sometime. He said he has to come in before he goes over to Vietnam. Howard said he was going over there to find out MIA. Howard then said that he was over in 'Nam and crashed a helicopter into a village to kill some ''gooks.'' He told James to be very careful over there so he doesn't get blown up by a land mine.
Howard and James spent a few more minutes talking about different things. Howard let him go a short time later. Robin said that one of the pictures she has hanging in her house is one of James Brown and Al Sharpton and some kids came over one time and though that they were her parents.
Howard went into his phony Vietnam stories and talked about going over there for a couple of tours of duty. He said his first tour was 10 months. He talked about blowing up villages over there and how he didn't feel bad killing the babies that were in the camps. He talked about using their bones to play songs. He also said that they didn't have many performers coming over to entertain them. He said James reminded him of all of that stuff and it all came rushing back to him.
Howard said that they would play Gook Roulette over there. He said they'd stick a pole up a dead guy's butt and spin a wheel on it. There was another time he buried a guy alive with only his hand sticking out of the dirt so he could shake his hand goodbye. He said they were tough times and it was either him or them. He said there were other times that they would bury people with only their asses sticking up out of the ground so they could use them for bike stands or napkin holders.
Howard said he was a sick man back then but he's over all of that now. He said he would cut the tongue's out of people over there and use them to lick his envelopes he would send back home. Robin asked him if he was into any cannibalism. Howard said he came close but didn't actually do anything. He was going to take a break but Jackie must have been handing him more lines about what he did over there. Jackie would laugh and Howard would talk about some of the sick things he would do to the people there. He said he would use the dead bodies as TV trays after bending the people into the right positions. He went to break after that.
Howard told Gilbert he has a favorite scene in an old Dracula movie but he wasn't able to tell Gilbert exactly what it was. Howard goofed on Gilbert for probably taking home the shirt that they had to buy for his costume. Gilbert demanded to see Robin's dark Klugee a few times.
Howard said this was very exciting to see Dracula Gottfried today but he thought that someone had driven a wooden stake into his material. Gilbert said that it wasn't his idea though so he couldn't take the blame. Howard asked Gilbert about an appearance he had made on ''Married with Children.'' Gilbert stayed in his Dracula character and answered all of the questions as Dracula.
Howard asked Dracula if he was going to stay in character the whole time. Gilbert came out of character and said that this was probably one of the worst ideas Howard has ever had. Howard told him it was funny and asked him to do ''Dice Vampire'' so he went into his Dice impression a little bit. Howard asked Gilbert to hang out during the news. He asked him more about the ''Married with Children'' episode he shot. Gilbert thought he looked ridiculous in the costume he was wearing in the studio. He told Howard about how he played himself in that episode of ''Married with Children.'' He was supposed to be on a cruise ship so Howard talked about how Gilbert would never do something like that.
Gary came in and said that Gilbert once opened up for Belinda Carlisle of the Go Gos. He went out to warm up the crowd which was filled with little kids and their parents. Gilbert said he tried to keep it clean but he wasn't getting any laughs so he went into his dirty material. He started cursing in front of these little kids. He ended up getting yelled at by the manager at the event.
Gilbert said he kept getting filthier and filthier through the whole thing and the people on the side of the stage were all looking at him in shock. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard he made the mistake of booking Gilbert for an event one time. Gilbert goofed on Tom a little bit and said he looked like he was dressed up like Dracula this morning. Tom told the story about how the crowd he had Gilbert performing in front of were all shocked and not responding to his act. Gilbert disappeared after doing his act. He just walked through some bushes to get out of there.
Howard said they were going to keep Gilbert around for the news. He had to take a commercial break before getting to that though.
Gilbert said that he thought he was tanking but Howard told him it was doing just fine. He talked about another time that Gilbert did the Channel 9 show dressed up as Dice and he thought he was bombing there too. Howard read a fax he got about Gilbert where they goofed on him about the voice he does and how gay he must be.
Howard told Gilbert he was funny as Dracula and even sitting there as Gilbert with the Dracula costume on was funny. Howard told him he should go out on the street and take an OJ poll to see if people think he's guilty or not guilty. Howard told him he'd probably get killed if he did that.
Howard got serious and wanted to send him out on the street as Dracula to ask people what they think about the OJ thing. Gilbert was laughing as Howard was describing what he could do out on the street. Gilbert came up with some ideas of his own for going out on the street. He was going to do some racial stuff but Howard told him he might get beat up if he does that.
Howard asked Gilbert if he would really go out and do it. He told him he'd throw in another shirt if he wanted. Gilbert was going to skip doing it this time. Howard said he probably thinks it'll hurt his career or something. Howard eventually convinced him to give it a try though. Howard told him to go out with the make up just the way it was on his face. Jackie the Joke Man told him to enjoy his career move. Gary came in and said that there was no question that this was going to be funny. He wondered if they should make him up again or leave him the way he was. Howard told Gary to do it himself so he could get it done faster than Ralph.
Howard said they were going to do some news while Gilbert headed down to the street. Robin read a couple of news stories as that was going on.
Gilbert worked his way down to the street and Howard went to him via wireless microphone. He told Gilbert what to do and Gilbert was doing some racist stuff so Howard told him to calm down with that or he'd get beat up. Stuttering John tried to find some black people to be interviewed. He wasn't having much luck but eventually found some people. Gilbert questioned them about the OJ Simpson case and what they though about it.
Howard told Gilbert it was enough after he interviewed about 3 people. He said that was enough of that. He said it was funny but he was going to tell Gilbert that he had bombed just to mess with him. Robin continued with her news as they waited for Gilbert to return.
Gilbert came back and Howard goofed on him about what he did down there on the street. Robin got back to her news and read some stories as Gilbert sat in and commented on some of the stuff she brought up. Howard wrapped up after Robin finished her news. This replay was over by about 10:05am.
Howard started the show talking about how he had moved his microphone for the E! cameras. Robin said his face was hidden. Howard said that's what he wants. He wants to hide his face in shadows. Howard said it was also blocking him from seeing Robin. He could barely see her.
Howard said they had a bottle of GLH Formula #9 for Scott's head. He said it should give Scott some hair on his head. Howard said it's like spray paint for your head. Howard read the directions and tried to figure out if it would work on him. Howard figured it would work. Howard read about what it's supposed to do and how it's supposed to cover up bald spots. Robin said he's got a huge bald spot.
Scott the Engineer came in and said there's no way he's doing that. Howard asked why. Scott just wasn't interested in doing it. Howard said he got it for him as a present. He can solve his baldness problem if he'd just let him. Scott wasn't interested. Howard said he couldn't look any worse.
Howard said he wants to see if it looks like real hair. Fred said they should try it on Grillo too. Howard said he has to do Scott. Scott finally agreed to let him do it. Howard told him to bend his head forward and he'd spray his hair.
Howard went over to Scott to do the spraying. He told the E! crew to shoot it well because it could end up being Ron Popeil's next commercial. Howard said he was trying to figure out what was in this stuff and they tell you not to smoke while you spray it. He also read about the stuff in the can and it's full of flammable stuff. Howard said they even said it ''may'' contain titanium dioxide. They're not even sure what's in it. Robin said that may depend on the color of the spray.
Howard sprayed the hair on Scott's head after telling him to close his eyes. Robin said it works. She said it looks like he has hair. Howard said he's not sure what it is. He said he wasn't done yet so he sprayed some more. Howard said he was doing it the way Ron Popeil does it.
Howard told Grillo to get in there too. Howard had Robin look at Scott and give her opinion. Robin said as bad as it looks, it's better than his bald head. Howard said that's what you end up looking like in real life. He said on TV it looks like one thing but in person this is what it really looks like.
Grillo came in so Howard told him to look over at the camera. He had him put his head down and get ready to be sprayed. Howard said it should work great for him. Grillo said he'd prefer to go with a hat instead. Howard just started spraying. He said he filled in his hair line. Grillo said it smells like that stuff you put in your hair on Halloween. Howard told him to shut up and kept spraying.
Howard told them not to comb it out. He said they should just leave it alone. He kept spraying the guys when Ralph would point out spots. Howard asked if they were bumming out because Grillo didn't look happy. Grillo put on his hat. Howard told him he's supposed to let it dry. Grillo asked if they were done. Howard thought he was crying. Grillo said he didn't have any water in his eyes.
Howard said Scott looked great. He said Grillo looked great too. Howard laughed and said that it looks like Scott has paint running down his head. Grillo looked great too and Howard said he looks handsome. Howard said he should paint a moustache on him too. Howard said it took 20 years off of Grillo. He looks zero now.
Howard said Grillo used the F-word. He asked why he's such a bummer lately. Grillo said he's fine. Howard said he's a little douche lately. He said he's never talking to him again.
Howard said Scott the Engineer looks unbelievable. Howard called Scott DePace in there too to get his hair done. He was starting to bald so Howard tried to help him with the spray too. Howard told him to look at how handsome Grillo looks.
Stuttering John came in and said that Grillo didn't want to rehearse a song they were trying to do yesterday. Grillo said he had stuff to do. He didn't want to do the song. Howard said he's being a baby.
Howard sprayed Scott DePace's head and said he looks much better too. He said this stuff is amazing. Howard did the back of his head and then did the front. Howard said he looked handsome but laughed when he said it. Howard had him close his eyes as he sprayed it on. Howard said he looks 20 years younger. Then he said he looks like Marge Simpson.
Howard said the guys all look good with their sprayed heads. Ralph said that Jackie's hair looks a little thin too. Jackie wasn't interested in having his head sprayed. Howard told Grillo to stop being a bummer too. Ralph was going to spray his head again but Grillo told him to get away from him. Howard said he's just trying to help him out with this GLH 9 stuff. Grillo didn't care. He said he can't wait to see how it came out though. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said it looks good and he should trust him when he says that. Grillo said he trusts him. Howard offered him 50 bucks to look at himself in the mirror. Grillo didn't want to. He said it wasn't about the money. Grillo took the money and checked it out though.
Grillo took a look and said it looks fantastic, he loves it. Grillo said it actually looks the same to him. Howard said he looked like he was going to cry. Grillo said he wasn't going to cry. Gary said it looked more like a rage he was about to go into. Grillo said he's fine and he's not going to hurt anyone. Howard said he wrecked it with the hat. Grillo didn't sound too happy. He said he doesn't like looking at himself in the mirror in the morning. He tries to avoid it.
Ralph was trying to help him figure out a look for himself but Grillo didn't seem to want the advice. Howard said Grillo should look in the mirror. Grillo said he didn't want to see himself. Howard told him to look again. Gary thought he was about to go postal. Grillo said he's not going to go postal. He said he's just been busy lately running around doing stuff. He has no money to do anything.
Howard gave Grillo $300 to shut him up. He told him to get out of there. He said he's making him nuts with his life. Howard said Grillo shouldn't be so worried about his hair. Howard said he had to spend time blowing out his hair every morning. That's just one less thing Grillo has to worry about.
Gary said that Grillo has a lot of stuff going on and his parents have gutted his room so he has no place to go when he's done there. Grillo is working there for free so he has no money. Howard said what Grillo would like to do is move home with his parents but that's not going to work. Grillo said he thinks his parents really don't want him back. He said his dad said that he's out now. Howard asked Grillo about what caused the problems with his parents. Grillo said they told him that when he moved out, that was it.
Ralph was making fun of Grillo almost crying and made some crying sounds. Fred threw in some crying sounds clips too. Howard told Grillo to mellow out. Grillo said he's just bummed out. He didn't want to look at his hair this morning. Howard asked if he's going to wash it out of his hair. Grillo said he is going to wash it before he goes to class. Howard said it looks fine. Grillo said it looks like dust in his hair. Howard said Grillo has hair where there was no hair.
Howard said Grillo looked like he was going to cry again. Grillo said he was fine. Howard told him he could leave and then went to break.
Howard asked the guy about being in prison and what that was like for him. The guy, Lee Newman, said that he had been in jail for over a year now. Lee said that he was laying tile for a union and he started messing around with cocaine and he'd go out and get smoked out and he'd be broke by the weekend. One night he said he smoked crack and cut his fiancee's head almost all the way off. Howard asked if he admits to doing it. The guy said he did but he wasn't in the right state of mind. Gary said the trial was about if he was out of his mind or if it was premeditated. Lee said that he was raised in a good family and he's not the kind of guy who would do this. He said he never thought about doing that before it happened. He said that they had just gotten done making love when he did it. He said the last thing he remembers was going to the shower and then rocking her in his arms. He said it sounds crazy but that's what he remembers. Howard said that's a pretty crazy story. He said that he was 27 and the girl was 32. The guy said that he was put on medication in prison and he was having nightmares and hearing all kinds of things.
Howard asked Lee what he used to cut the head off. He said it was a knife from what he was told. He said he went to the kitchen to get it while she was in the shower. He said that's what he thinks happened anyway. Howard asked where the head was when he was rocking her. He said he didn't remember. Gary asked the guy if he had been approached by anyone in jail for sex. Lee said that you sit in your cell for 24 hours a day and only get 3 hours a week out of the cell. Robin said she wouldn't want to live if she had killed someone. Lee said he can't bring her back and he can't say he didn't do it. He said he wasn't in the right state of mind at the time. Howard asked if he was arrested right away. He said he took off to San Francisco and went to her dad's office and went into the safe and stole $1,000. He went to San Francisco and came down off the drugs. He said that he got really paranoid when he'd see cops and stuff. He said he was going through the city and ran out of money. Then he went to the China district and asked for some cigarettes and stuff. He ran out of the store and stole them and as he was going down the street he hit another car that was turning. He took off and about 2 hours later the cops pulled him over for a broken light and that's when they found out who he was. Howard said he was doing a lot wrong this whole time. He said he was breaking every law he could. Lee said about 6 or 7 cops showed up and arrested him. He said it was about 2 days after that when they found out that he had killed his fiancee. He said that she was supposed to go to her father's office to work and she didn't show up.
Howard asked the guy how he wanted to die if he gets the death penalty. He said that he would probably let them choose. He said that he'll be there at least another year though. Howard and Robin asked if they could watch his execution. He said he would like them to do that if he does get the death penalty. Howard asked how soon they can make that happen because they want to see that happen. Lee looked at his calendar while Howard and Gary tried to figure out if they could do something like that. Lee said that it would be March 30th for the trial. He was running out of phone time so he got cut off around that point. Howard said that would be a good show seeing that guy executed.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about the guy and how he needs the OJ dream team to defend him. Howard asked the guys if they think they could cut someone's head off after doing crack and acid. Howard said he doesn't think he could do it. He said that anyone who does something like that must have the proclivity to do it even without the drugs.
Lee called back so Howard got back to him. Lee said sometimes he just makes random calls trying to get to someone. He said he'll just keep calling until he gets someone to pick up and talk to him. He has a woman in Alaska who he talks to. Howard said he was saying to Robin that it was probably always in Lee to cut off someone's head. Lee said that he wanted to be a doctor. He said he also wanted to be a dentist like his dad.
Howard asked Lee about his upcoming trial because he'd like to see his execution. Lee said it's going to be about a year. Lee asked Howard if he would sign an autograph for him. Howard said he has a real problem with what he did so he can't do that. He said he wouldn't feel right doing that. Howard said he'd send him Robin's head shot if he wanted that.
Howard asked Lee about cutting the girl's head off and if he remembers that. Lee said he really doesn't remember it. He said he doesn't even want to see the pictures or anything like that. Lee said his family and her family are really close too. Lee said he was having problems with drugs back then and the families thought they were going to be getting married in May. Lee said her parents were there with his parents and they actually hugged him. He said they asked him why he did what he did and he didn't know why.
Howard told Lee to stay in touch with them so they can keep up with what happens to him. Howard put him on hold and said he's going to work with him to make the execution happen faster. He said the guy just admitted to killing his fiancee.
Howard wanted to ask Lee another question but he had just hung up with Gary in the office. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard and Robin counted up the money again. Howard said it's up to $2,100. Howard said he'd do it if he were Grillo. Howard said they had a million other things to get to.
Ralph came in and asked if they were going to do it today. Ralph said he didn't have hair clippers. Howard told him to get out.
Grillo showed up so Howard told him what was going on. Grillo heard how much money it was and it was still going up. it was up to $2,400 by that point. Howard said it's not that big of a deal. It's almost a year's worth of rent for Grillo. Then another $100 came in bringing it up to $2,500. Grillo said he may have some scars on his head so he's not sure he wants to do it. Howard said it's up to him. He said he'd count to 5. He started to count down and Grillo said he'd do it.
Howard had Grillo take his hat off. He said he looked sick inside. Grillo said he was. Howard said this is going to be great and he can't wait to see him bald. Grillo said he really didn't want to do it. Howard said there is no backing out now. Howard said he has to shave his head clean. Grillo didn't sound to thrilled about that. Howard told him this is for $2,500.
Scott the Engineer came in and said he'd do it. Ralph said Scott is almost bald already. Howard asked Grillo if he's going to do it. He said he has to be insane to turn this down. Grillo asked if he can talk to him off the air about this. Howard said he knows what he wants to talk about. He wants to talk about the scars on his head. Robin threw another $500 and Fred another $200 so he was up to $3,200. Some of the other guys were ready to do it. Grillo still wasn't saying yes. Grillo said he has a problem. He said if he hadn't gone to get the transplants he'd do it in a second. Gary said they'll be done with it in a week and a half. He said no one will care and his hair will grow back.
Stuttering John said someone else offered another $200 so he was up to $3,200. Grillo said he'd do it. Howard said if it didn't matter to him so much, no one would care. Howard asked Robin if she had a list of everyone who owes him money. Robin said she did.
Howard asked when they can start. Gary said the guy who offered the 500 is on his way there. He should be there in 10 minutes. Howard said he'd give him another 50 bucks if he lets him punch him in the nuts. Grillo didn't want that.
Howard said he has to play the Grillo ''I'm Too Zexy'' song as they go into break. Fred sang the song since Grillo had refused to do it. Everyone laughed as the song played. Robin asked why they were so happy and Grillo was so sad.
Gary said someone else had just offered another $100. That brought the total up to $3,500. Howard said he had to take a break and then they'll have the guy hypnotize Ralph.
Howard said hello to John who told Grillo this is going to be great. Howard said he's in it for like $200. Howard handed over his money. The other guys started handing over their money.
Ralph wasn't there yet with the buzzer clippers. Howard said he told him to bring them in for something else so he's not prepared obviously. Howard told Grillo to go wait in the back and they'll get to him later. Howard told Grillo to go have his final meal.
Gary said that Mike Gange just asked Grillo ''So does this make you happy or sad?'' Howard said he usually asks ''So how'd it go?'' so he's actually changed his question for once.
Howard said they have a lot of stuff to get to today. He took a call from a guy who said he had another $350 for Grillo. He got in a plug for the company that was donating the money to him. Ralph also showed up with his clippers. Howard said Grillo was just about crying during the break. He said he had to take another one before he got to the shaving. They went to break after that.
Howard said he loves watching a guy being humiliated. He said there must be some sickness in him that he wants to see that. Ralph started shaving and Howard took a look at the back of Grillo's head. Howard said it looked stupid already.
Gary said a lot of people had IOUs for the money. They didn't have it all for him there. Grillo didn't sound happy about the whole thing. Howard said the guy who started the whole thing was there. He said that it all got started when he brought in the GLH 9 this morning. Howard said he had no idea that this was going to be the whole show. He said that Grillo was bumming out so bad that they decided to shave it all off.
Howard said there were people out in the hall watching it happen through the glass. Someone said that Grillo looked like Greg Lugainis who was dying of AIDS. Howard said he doesn't think Grillo looks so bad. Then Ralph started shaving the front of his head. Ralph said it was funny he had that GLH stuff in his hair as he was shaving it. Ralph said he had to do the whole thing in layers. It was taking a while to get it done.
Howard said he had been there for years and had never seen Tom Gesimondo smile. This is the first time that's happened. Howard talked to some of the guys there in the studio. They said that Grillo looked fine. Howard said his scars look kind of like tattoos on his head. Howard said he doesn't have an ugly head. Jackie said it looks like a road map. Howard said he was just trying to cheer him up because he actually looks retarded.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he'd send in 25 bucks just for the privilege of listening. Another caller said he'd donate an ounce of pot to him. He was doing a Jackie impression as he did that. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he'd hate to be in Grillo's shoes. Howard said Grillo looked like he was about to cry. Grillo said he was fine.
Howard let Ralph do his thing with Grillo and ended up talking about Johnny Cochran and some other stuff. Then Ralph was ready to shave his head. Grillo told him he had to wet it first. Howard let them do their thing while he went off on Johnny Cochran.
Grillo said he was doing fine. Howard didn't believe it. Grillo said he really is fine but he almost cursed again. Howard and the guys were enjoying the hair cutting. Jackie said it was funny to everyone but one person. That person was Grillo.
Gary said that Dominic Barbara was on the phone offering 5 grand to not cut his hair off. It was too late though. His hair was gone. Dominic also tried to talk to Howard about the Kato Kaelin thing but Howard hung up on him.
Howard took some more calls. He said he had to thank the fans for making them number one out in Los Angeles. He said they don't mention it in the paper though. They just hope it'll go away.
Gary said the hair on Grillo's head was really coarse on one spot. He said it was really weird. Ralph was still shaving his head.
A caller said that he lost a bet in high school and had to shave his head. Gary said Grillo just flinched when Ralph was shaving a spot that looked very sensitive. Howard asked Grillo if he was upset. Grillo still said he was okay. Howard said the top of his head looks weird. Howard said it's funny for them to watch this.
Another caller asked how he was going to get his hair fixed. Howard asked the guy what was wrong with his voice. The guy said nothing was wrong. He said he's a Chinese man and ended up cursing. Howard told the guy to use his brains.
Ralph told Howard to check out Grillo's head. Howard said it looked kind of cool. He said it looked like an Indian tattoo or something.
Howard took a call from someone claiming to be Jan Michael Vincent. Howard said that the guy was really messed up on the E! show. They kept getting distracted by the Grillo head shaving. Howard said he might have to go in there with a straight razor. Howard asked Grillo if he was alright. Grillo told Ralph he was done. He said he's not doing anymore. He was freaking out over something. Howard asked to see. Grillo put a towel over his head saying it looked really bad. Howard told him to let Ralph finish. Only half his head was done. They also had to scrub off the GLH 9 stuff.
Howard asked Stuttering John if he thought Grillo looked bad. John said he looked fine like he was going into the military or something. Tom Chiusano said he looked great and that was the general consensus there.
Grillo said his head looks disgusting. Howard said it really didn't. He told Ralph to hurry up and finish shaving his head. Jackie said that it looked just fine other than that big bump on his head.
Grillo said that the scars on his head look really bad. Howard said it didn't look that bad. He told Ralph to hurry up and finish. Ralph was ready to throw up from the whole thing. A caller said that Grillo is going to have razor burn on his head in a little while. He said it's going to get bad. Howard asked Grillo if he wanted to stop for real. Grillo didn't appear to be happy. Howard told Ralph to hurry up. He had to take a break anyway.
Howard told Gary to go reserve their seats in hell. Howard told Grillo to look at the mirror. Grillo didn't want to do it but Howard made him look. Grillo sounded really bummed out. Howard had some of the girls come in to take a look. Grillo didn't want that happening. Howard said that Grillo is very handsome. He said he looks like a skin head.
Howard said Grillo should be happy that he has all of this money. He told him to thank him for freeing him of his hair. Grillo gave him a half hearted ''thank you.'' Howard told Grillo he'd look fine with a couple of earrings in.
Another caller told Grillo to stop being such a wuss. He said he used to be a wrestler so he should stop crying over this. Howard had Jodi come in and stare at him some more. Howard told him to stop crying. Grillo said he wasn't crying. Jodi said he looked fine. Jodi said she wanted to kiss him on the cheek because she felt so bad for him. She did that but it didn't help. Howard said Grillo has 4 grand from this. He said that would be a nice little ankle bracelet for Jodi. She said she had to go back to work when she heard that. Howard said he had to go to break anyway.
After an edited out break Howard came back and said that Grillo was out in the hall crying about his head. Howard said he had the hair transplants done and now you can see where they were. Gary said he had a caller who said that Bobbit had his penis cut off and didn't cry as much as Grillo.
Ralph said he was out in the hall cleaning Grillo up and he's really upset. He didn't think he was crying though. Ralph said he could wear a do-rag for a couple of weeks and he'll be fine. Jackie said it's not like he's on TV and people will ask him to see it.
Howard had the guys bring Grillo in there again so they can check it out. Grillo came in and Howard said he looks fine. Grillo said the scars don't look good. They look sickening to him. Howard said he's amazed that Grillo can even see them. Howard said he can barely see them. Robin told him he's a handsome guy so he shouldn't worry so much.
Ralph had a do-rag for him but Grillo said he'd rather wear a hat. Tom Chiusano came in and said that Grillo was more worried about the scars on the back of his head than the implants he had done by Long Island Medical. It sounded like they were trying to save their sponsor some embarrassment.
Ralph gave Grillo a rag for his head. Howard said he looked like a brother when he had that on. Howard and the guys were talking street to him and rapping with him. Howard spent a few more minutes goofing around with that. Howard said Grillo looks cool right now. He said he looks like a brother or a wigger. Howard said he just needs some shades and he'll be all good.
Howard said Grillo has more hair on his arms than he has on his head. Howard told the guys to show Grillo a mirror. They found some shades for him and said he looks really cool. Grillo didn't believe it. Howard told Grillo to get out of there. He said he looked fine. They went to break after that.
The hypnotist came in and Howard was calling her doctor even though she's not a doctor. She had a guy with her who was in training to become a hypnotist. Howard asked him if he's involved with her. He said that he's her boyfriend. Howard said he's doing pretty good then. Howard asked how they met and got into all of that together. She said that they dated before he wanted to get into the hypnotism thing.
Howard told the woman that Ralph's father left him when he was young. His mom raised him and he once had an experience with a priest. His mother wanted him to have a male role model so she had this priest who was helping him out. Howard said Ralph went on a fishing trip and he went into a room and the priest whipped out some dirty magazines. The priest and the other young boy were looking at them. Ralph said there were some toys too but he didn't know what they were at the time. Howard said that they were going to bed and the priest asked both of the boys to join him in bed. Howard got distracted and ended up asking the hypnotist about her breast size and found out she's a small B-cup. Howard thought they were bigger.
Howard got back to the story and told the hypnotist more about Ralph's story. The priest had invited Ralph into the bed but Ralph chose to sleep on the floor. The other boy was in the bed with the priest. Ralph said the other kid was a grade above him in school. He said he know who he was but he wasn't very close. Howard asked if he ever saw the priest after that. Ralph said he thinks he did but it wasn't that much if he did. Howard said Ralph doesn't remember a lot so he thinks he's repressing something. Ralph said he remembers seeing the guy after that because he was in the halls a lot.
Howard asked Ralph if he just quit doing the counseling thing with the priest. Ralph didn't remember all of the details. He said he talked to the priest when he was in 6th grade or so. The hypnotist said she thought he was younger than that. Jackie said he thought he was like 7. Ralph told him to shut up.
Howard asked Ralph a bunch of questions about the incident and Ralph really didn't remember that much. He told Howard what he remembered. Howard asked if he was interested in trying to find out more about what happened and if there was anything that he's got repressed. Ralph said he'd like to know if there is something repressed but he's sure nothing happened. He said he knows Howard wants to know so he'll do it for him.
Howard asked Ralph if he's afraid to find out. Ralph said he's afraid of what else he's going to do to him while he's under. Howard said he's not going to do anything.
The hypnotist asked Ralph some questions about where he lived and what they called him back then. Ralph gave that information and the hypnotist asked if he would get professional help if they do find something that he has repressed. Ralph said sure. The hypnotist asked if he was afraid of heights. Ralph said he was. She said that she asks that because she brings people back and has them on a cloud looking down. If they don't like heights it can be kind of scary.
Howard said he was going to let Ralph and the hypnotist go into another room to do this. They told Ralph that he can end it at any time. Howard said he had to take another break after that. He said they can find out about Ralph butt smuggling after that. Ralph didn't sound like he was too happy about that. He said he didn't do that.
The hypnotist said she could make Grillo feel better about himself too. Howard said maybe they could do that too. Howard said they made Grillo almost suicidal with that hair thing.
Howard said they have to get into some news while Ralph is being hypnotized. Robin started off talking about Melvin Franklin from The Temptations dying. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how they saw The Temptations down in Atlantic City one time. Howard said he and Robin were down there and they saw some guys walking around with their satin jackets on that said ''The Temptations'' on them. Howard said it was really sad to see. He said they're walking around with jackets so people will know who they are. They spent a couple of minutes goofing around talking about that. Howard was doing impressions of the guys in the band. Robin had some audio of Melvin Franklin talking about how he enjoyed being in the band. She had some of their music too. Howard was still doing his impression of the guy as Robin read more of the story. She even got in on the singing.
Robin read a story about the OJ Simpson trial. She had some details about what was going on there. They were arguing about the way the defense was handling the case and things like that. Howard talked about how odd Judge Ito looks. Howard had some audio of Ito talking during the trial. Robin read some news about the case and then they had to take a break.
Howard had the guy, Rich Natinsky, come in to talk about what he's doing there. Howard asked Rich to show Robin his pad of notes. Rich had notes about the way they do everything there. He said he's checking on the stuff that affect Gary and Kathy. Howard asked if he saw Gary and Ralph fighting out there. Rich said he did see that. Howard told him to keep an eye on Gary and don't let him drop him. Howard told Rich he could leave. He said he didn't want to waste his time with that.
Robin got back to her news and read about Greg Lugainis and what's going on with him. Gary came back and said that he cracked the door and Ralph is on the chair curled up in the fetal position with sunglasses on. He said it looked like he was almost sleeping. Gary said he was almost hugging a jacket he was holding. Howard said they're going to find out later what went on with the priest.
Robin read some more about the Greg Lugainis story and then talked about a problem they were having in Patterson, New Jersey after an unarmed suspect was shot by the cops. There was some looting and burning going on in the town. That led to Howard talking about the story and how it didn't make sense to burn and loot over something like that. He said it's stupid and infantile to do something like that. Robin had some audio of some people yelling about what happened in Patterson.
Gary told Howard he had a black gentleman on the phone who wanted to explain why they loot in situations like this. The caller said that the guy had a record from 8 years before but that doesn't make it okay for the cops to shoot him. Howard said there was a wrestling match going on and the cops and the suspect were battling. He said that the cops do have the right to defend themselves. The caller said he lives in Patterson and he understands why they were rioting. Howard said it makes no sense to do something like that. Howard said that it's ruining your own neighborhood when you do something like that. He said that's why businesses won't open up in neighborhoods like that. Howard said there is no pleasing the people of Patterson. The caller said it's not right to shoot someone in the back like they did.
Howard said his uncle was a police officer and some guy started swinging an axe at his head so his uncle put 5 bullets into him. The caller said this is a different case. He said that it's a completely different thing. Howard said he's right then. He said that he'd like to see this caller go out and become a cop so he can deal with those people.
Howard ended up hanging up on the caller. Howard said that guy is never going to be pleased. Howard said they have to stop putting that stuff on the news so he doesn't have to get upset.
Howard asked Ralph what he learned. Ralph said he remembered some specifics but nothing really new. He didn't remember any molestation or anything like that. Ralph said he remembered looking over from his sleeping bag and seeing blankets and rolling around in the bed.
Howard asked if Ralph remembered the magazines and the toys. Ralph said that one of the toys was egg shaped. He said it wasn't something he knew about at that age though. Ralph said the guy was showing him porn magazines to them and showing them the toys.
The hypnotist also said that Ralph remembered seeing the priest in his underwear. She said that he also saw the boy and the priest sitting in the bed together. That's when the priest asked if he wanted to sleep in the bed too. Ralph decided to sleep on the floor. Ralph remembered some of the details of the priest rolling over onto the boy and things like that. The hypnotist said that more details may come out throughout the day.
Howard asked if Ralph was able to remember why he didn't go back to the priest for counseling. Ralph said his mom didn't make him go so it was his choice if he wanted to keep going.
Ralph said that he wasn't really under that deep that the hypnotist would have been able to make him do something he didn't want to do. He said it was tough sitting in the chair during the hypnosis. That's why he was in the fetal position the way he was.
Howard asked how long it takes to teach someone how to do hypnosis. The hypnotist said you need about 70 hours of training.
They hypnotist said that she doesn't know if anything else happened that day with Ralph. Ralph said he really doesn't think anything happened. They spent a couple more minutes talking about that. Howard thanked the hypnotist for coming in and let her and her boyfriend go a short time later.
Robin said that teen sex levels are going down. She said they say that only 53 percent of teens are having sex. Howard said that's a good thing. He said he hopes his kids wait until they're married to have sex.
Robin had a story about Robin Williams being honored by some group. Howard said that Steven Spielberg and Bill Maher have the hottest chicks when they go out to those events. Howard said show business is like revenge of the nerd's. He said it's ugly guys with hot chicks and it's the funniest thing to watch. Howard said he knows that they become better looking when they get some fame. Howard said he knows that he's not good looking enough for his wife. He said he starts to believe he's handsome when he looks in the mirror but he knows it's just not right. He said that these guys get women who are knock outs. Howard said old Frank Gifford is even getting a young babe. Howard said he can't even handle Maurey Povich and Connie Chung. Robin said Robin Williams didn't go in that direction. Howard said he opens the paper every day and sees ugly guys with great looking women. He said you see like 90 billion of these relationships when you open the paper.
Robin read more about the honoring of Robin Williams and had some audio clips from the event. Howard played the clips and goofed on Billy Crystal about the stuff he was saying about Williams. Howard said they're congratulating themselves over raising money for the homeless even though all they did was appear on TV. They had some audio of Robin Williams speaking too so Howard goofed on him. Howard said they're all just congratulating each other. He told them to suck him. He said Robin just ruined his whole weekend with that. Robin wrapped up her news and they ended the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show saying he had a lot of stuff scheduled for the show. He said that Gary had just brought in his white horse so he could ride in on it and save show business again. He then noticed that Robin had some new lighting on her for the TV show. He said he wanted to be bathed in purple light himself but they can't seem to make that happen. He doesn't want to be seen on the show that much.
Howard said he was still sick and even went to bed at 5:30 the night before. He was up by 11:30 so he had something to eat, then he went to bed until 1 in the morning, got up, went back to sleep and got up at 5. He said he's got something wrong with him.
Howard said he watched Barbara Walters badgering Jim Carrey on her show. He heard about all of the money that he was getting for each of his movies and how it quickly went from $300,000 to $10 million within a short time. Robin also brought up Jim's story about how he used to try to convince himself that he was the biggest star in Hollywood years ago and wrote himself a check for $10 million and dated it 1995. He somehow met that date and gets paid $10 million to do a movie.
Howard said he watched some of that Barbara Walters stuff and fast forwarded through a lot of that. He said they had Liam Nieson on the show but he thinks he's more interesting than Liam Nieson is.
Howard said that he watched the Academy Awards but he would have liked to have seen more of the people walking into the show. He said that part of the show is his favorite but they keep it too short. The production number at the start of the show was horrible. After that an old director came out and started screaming about some crap he didn't care about, the National Endowment of the Arts. He spent a short time complaining about that.
Howard said that one of the artists who gets money from that Arts thing is a woman who sticks potatoes up her butt. He said he just doesn't get that. Gary said that she does even more disgusting stuff than that. Gary said that she even lets people inspect her vagina. Howard said he got to check her out but he didn't think it was art at all. Gary said that this woman Karen Finley isn't all that attractive and she gets up on stage to do this stuff while screaming about being raped.
Howard said Letterman came out after the guy went on and on about the National Endowment of the Arts. He said Letterman did fine on there and did better than Billy Crystal. He said he may not have lived up to the hype but he was better than Billy Crystal or Whoopi Goldberg.
Howard talked about Woody Allen's name being brought up during the awards and how the people there were all cheering for him even though he stole away Mia Farrow's daughter. Howard was bothered by Gary's face being in the studio so he kicked him out around that point.
Howard said he couldn't applaud Woody Allen if he was in that audience. He would have booed him if he was there. Robin said that Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco were at the awards so she thought that was kind of wrong. She wondered what that means. Howard thought she was wrong but she said it was in the paper. Howard got a hold of the paper and read the article about Joey going to the Awards show.
Howard talked about some of the winners at the awards show. Martin Landau won for Ed Wood but he got pulled off stage during his speech. They talked about that for a short time and also talked about some of the other winners. Oprah Winfrey was there to present an award so they went over that for a short time.
Robin said that the only award that Pulp Fiction won was for best Screen Writing. The crowd was cheering for the cast of the movie every time they were mentioned though. Howard said Bruce Willis deserved an award but didn't get one. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard said Sharon Stone looked good at the Academy Awards. He also said he heard that Patty Smythe didn't look good and he felt good about that. He talked about her dating John McEnroe and how he heard that she's getting used up by him real good.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him how he was doing this morning. Howard said everyone has been asking him this morning since he's still sick. He said he's been getting a lot of sleep but he still feels out of sorts and out of it. He said he really doesn't want to work anymore. He needs to go on vacation with a young woman for about a month and a half and he'd be fine.
Howard said he was reading an article about Andre Agassi recently where they talked about how screwed up his father was. The article was in Rolling Stone magazine. He said his father was from Iran or somewhere like that and the guy went to work for a casino in Las Vegas. He decided that he was going to mold his kids into great tennis players so they could be big money makers unlike himself. He got a hold of his daughter Rita and pushed her into tennis. She was the oldest daughter and ended up yelling at them and had them playing tennis for an hour before school, then three hours after school.
Howard said this guy figured out that to make his daughter a champion, he'd make her hate losing so much that she would have to win. He would yell at her to make her hate losing. Howard said he would obliterate her if she screwed up to make her the best. He would even yell at them if they won. Howard read that Rita once told him to shut up so he whacked her for that.
Howard said that Rita came home one day and started vomiting blood from an ulcer she had at the age of 13. He said he thought that was kind of funny that someone would push their kid so hard. He said she stopped talking to her father around that time. Howard said that she married this guy Pablo Gonzalez who was 32 years older than she was. They had a child and got divorced and now she's teaching tennis.
Howard said Andre had another brother who got screwed up by their father. He may be the brother who is Andre's caddy now. The father put Andre in his high chair and had him trying to hit balls that early in live. When Andre was in a walker they put a full sized racquet in his hand. He would wack all kinds of stuff in the house so the mother had to make sure they had breakable stuff removed. He was playing tennis against pros at the age of 3.
Howard said that Agassi is making a lot of money from endorsement deals. He said he wishes that his father pushed him into something like that so he could make that kind of money.
Howard said they'll have to find a way to do the show without Jackie. They'll figure out a way to do it somehow. Howard's contract is up at the end of the year so Jackie offered to negotiate for him. Howard said he'd pass on that offer.
Howard said management doesn't like dealing with Jackie and they really don't even want him there. Jackie asked why he's there then. Howard said ''it's because of me!'' He helps keep Jackie working there because he likes him.
Howard said that he doesn't even know when Jackie is in negotiations, he usually finds out in the middle of the whole thing when Tom calls to tell him what a pain in the ass Jackie is being. Howard said Jackie always comes over in his new Volvo, which probably cost over $40,000, and talks about how the money doesn't mean anything to him.
Gary said that Jackie has to carry around all of his Jokeland stuff when he goes to do shows, that's why he has the wagon. He sells his stuff and has to have it all ready to sell as soon as the show is over. Howard goofed on Jackie about the stuff he sells and how the people must look at it the next morning wondering what the hell they're going to do with it.
Gary said Jackie used to play places that were so bad that he would bring his own mixing board, microphone and other stuff. Howard said he still plays places that are bad. Howard goofed on Jackie doing an impression of him talking about how important he is to the show. He also said that it's not the money either, it's the recognition from the company that counts.
Howard goofed on Jackie for a few more minutes and told him that management always comes to him and tells him what's going on. He has to smooth things over with them so they won't let Jackie go. Howard is the one who ends up negotiating for Jackie. Jackie never gets what he wants though so he's never happy. Howard said that he should be happy with what he makes and the plugs he gets in on the show. Jackie is still never happy.
Howard said Jackie would send out letters to the comics who were on the show telling them that he was available for work. He said he wasn't supposed to find out about those letters but Dice called him about one. He said Dice and Kinison would call him about that stuff and he'd ask Jackie why he isn't available to write for him instead.
Jackie used to write jokes for Joan Rivers for $5 per joke. He said he's happy doing that but he'll hold out for ridiculous amounts of money working there. He doesn't want to deal with that stuff. Jackie said he would resign right then if Howard wanted him to. Howard said that was fine with him.
Howard said he's ready to take a chance by letting Jackie go. He said he's not even sure that Jackie fits in on the show. Jackie thinks that he could leave the show and be a big success. Howard said he's been making that threat for years but he never leaves. He had to take another break after that.
Howard said he got a fax from someone who wondered what Jackie is being held back from on the show. He read through that and gave it to Jackie to stare at for a while. Jackie crumpled it up and threw it away.
Gary came in and talked about how they keep mentioning Howard's name and Don Imus' name in articles and there is no comparison because Howard doubles Imus' ratings. Howard said that maybe 10 years ago they could have written about ''Howard and Imus'' but not anymore. The guy isn't even in the top 10 in New York City, he's number 11. Howard said he blames David Hinkley because he has a hard on for Imus for some reason.
Howard went off on Imus for a short time calling him a ''stupid urine face'' and he's fit to accept his urine and that's it. He goofed on his look and how he has big hips like a woman and stuff like that. He said the guy gets no ratings and any advertiser who pays ten cents for an ad is nuts. Gary said that even the disco station crushes him in the ratings.
Howard said they eventually forgot about the controversy and hung the plaque up. It was already stolen, less than a week later. Now it's gone and they won't replace it. Whitman said she won't replace it and she really doesn't need to be bothered with that crap. Howard thought they were going to sink it into cement but that didn't happen.
Howard wanted to play a news report about this plaque but Scott the Engineer didn't have it yet. Gary told Howard that Scott was working on something else that he had asked him to work on. Howard was pissed at Scott but Gary thought it was kind of his fault until Scott said that he was working on Robin's news audio clips that weren't as important as this clip was.
Howard read an article about the plaque instead of playing the audio clip. He read that the plaque had vanished shortly after it was installed at the rest stop but there was no fanfare when they did hang it. Whitman was on vacation at the time. Robin said she read that the people who stole the plaque were seen at the rest stop. There were 3 men in their 20s who were seen there and may have taken the plaque. She said they used some tools to pry it off the wall and someone saw it happening. Howard said he would like his plaque back and hopes that someone will tell them where it is.
Howard wondered why they don't arrest these guys who stole the thing. He said he would like any leads on the theft so he can track these people down. Howard eventually got the audio from the news report so he played that a short time later. Howard said that you have to see this rest stop because it's like a port-a-san bolted to a wall out there. He had to take a break after that.
Howard said he got an invite to go to Al's Diamond Cabaret to see Latoya Jackson dancing down there. He said that the girls can get completely naked at this club because it's a BYOB place. He talked about going to a place called Frank's Chicken House in New Jersey and how the girls there could get fully nude. He said guys bring in coolers full of booze and watch these girls dance. Jackie said they also sell nudie magazines at these clubs so there's something to look at when there's no girls on stage.
Howard said that they got this invite to see Latoya at this club so they assumed that she would be naked. Howard figured that she would be naked but it turns out she refused to get naked. He read an article about what happened down there when she refused to get naked. They had a picture of the people fighting at the club and they looked like skin heads to Howard.
Howard read the article and they said that Latoya didn't take her clothes off so the crowd went nuts and started a mini-riot. They were able to calm the guys down when they sent out their regular dancers to get naked for the crowd.
Howard said that they had a lot of media at the event to see what Latoya was up to. She left the stage in the middle of her act so that didn't last long. The club owner claimed that he had never said she was going to get naked. Howard said it's funny that guys were getting so pissed off about what was going on. He said the guys were beating each other up instead of getting angry at Latoya. Howard went through all of that and said he had to take another break a short time later.
Howard said he was glad that Paul Newman didn't win any awards for his latest movie. He was bored to death with that. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that before he moved on to Stuttering John and the joke that Gary pulled on him.
Gary said that John has pulled jokes on him like stealing the Gary Puppet one time. Gary also said that John had a stockbroker call him and tell him he'd lost all of his money. There was also one time when Gary came in and told Howard how boring he was at an appearance he made one time. He was kind of pissed about that as well.
Gary went to Howard and told him he wanted to fire John and tape it off the air so he could make him feel crappy. He knew it wouldn't be funny, but he wanted to get back at him for all of this stuff he's done to him.
Howard explained how he had gotten mad at John on the air yesterday and that was part of Gary's plan to fire John. John said that he thought he was going to get fired and was worried about it the whole day. Gary brought Stuttering John into the jock lounge there at the station and had a hidden microphone in there. Gary told John he had to fire him because of the book deal that had come up a while back.
Howard said Gary didn't want to tell John for a couple of days that he was fired. Howard thought John might kill himself if they did that to him so they had to tell him. john said he might have done that if they had left him hanging like that.
Gary said he had been working on this since before they went on their Christmas vacation so it had been in the works for months. Howard started to play the audio where Gary brings John into the room and sits him down to break the news to him. Gary told John that the whole book deal thing came up again with Howard's agent Don Buchwald and he was apparently flipping out over it. John said he was convinced Gary was for real because he seemed so nervous about the whole thing.
Stuttering John told Gary that he had fired the guy who was doing the book deal thing and he wasn't going ahead with it. Fred went into his Stuttering John impression and goofed on John about the way he answered Gary about the book deal thing because he wasn't making much sense.
Howard got back to the clip and listened to Gary explaining to John why they were about to fire him. Gary said that he felt back because he's one of his best friends. Gary dragged it out and Howard wasn't sure why he kept saying it was Howard who was firing him. Gary said it was supposed to be Howard who was letting him go. John sounded all bummed out and said that he had been working there for 7 years.
Gary made a couple of goofy comments during the conversation so Howard and Fred were goofing on him about those. Gary left at one point to go get Howard but came back a short time later and told John that Howard refused to talk to him.
John was bummed out and said that he wasn't trying to do anything wrong. He explained what he had done with the book deal and all of that stuff. Gary then breaks the news to John that he was goofing on him by saying ''I have two words of advice... Gary Puppet.'' John told him that it was a great joke but he wasn't going to hate him for the rest of his life like Gary does.
Howard said that John is already planning to do something else to Gary. He told him on the way down to the garage yesterday that he had something in the works. Gary said he has another one to pull on John as well though. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Bam Bam started in with L.T. Shortly after they came in. He said that L.T. Has stepped into his world and he's pretty sure he can take him down. L.T. is a big wrestling fan so he was out at this event and kind of laughed when Bam Bam got his ass kicked. Bam Bam saw him laughing and went over to him, shoved him and knocked him over. L.T. Said that Bam Bam is chicken shit and ran off after he pushed him down.
Bam Bam said they were face to face and that's not true. L.T. Said that Bam Bam bitch slapped him when he wasn't expecting it so that wasn't cool. The two of them started to go back and forth with little comments but they really weren't getting all that worked up.
Howard asked the guys what they're up to other than this wrestling match. Bam Bam said that he's prepared for the fight but he doesn't think that L.T. is. L.T. Said that Bam Bam has probably been working out by lifting 12 Budweisers a day or something.
Howard asked L.T. if he's still friends with OJ Simpson. L.T. Said he is still friends but he hasn't gone to visit him in jail yet. He doesn't think that OJ did it though. Howard said he believes that OJ is guilty but L.T. put more thought into it and said that OJ wouldn't do something like that where his kids could find them. Howard said he thinks that OJ is guilty and the only reason L.T. is saying he's innocent is because he's black and he's trying to stay in with the crowd.
Howard talked to Bam Bam about how many times a day he takes a crap because he's such a big guy. Bam Bam said that he blasts off about twice a day. He got a few laughs from that comment. Howard said he had never heard of Bam Bam before this so this match that he's doing could get him some notice. Bam Bam said that he thinks that L.T. Has a team of guys who might jump in to help him if he's losing. He's got his own team ready to take them on.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Bam Bam's wife is really hot. Bam Bam said that she is hot. Howard got back to L.T. a short time later and said his life sounds really interesting. He asked him what his everyday life is like and what he does in his spare time. L.T. Said he plays golf quite a bit and will play up to 54 holes of golf a day. Howard said that sounds like the life but he'd have to get into golf first to actually enjoy it.
Howard talked to L.T. about his relationship with OJ for a short time and found out that he has been out to his house in Rockingham a few times. Howard was all over the place with his questions so he was back on the subject of his golfing a short time later. He was also asking the two guys about their wrestling match.
Bam Bam said that when he knocks L.T. out he's going to sit on his face and fart. L.T. didn't seem to care about any of the comments he was making about that stuff.
Howard asked L.T. about his family and how great it is that his kids are down in South Carolina while he's busy out playing golf. L.T. Talked about how he and his wife are still good friends but they just couldn't live together as man and wife. After he got divorced he started dating so Howard wanted to know if he had any celebrities. He was asking him about people like Tawny Kitaen, Robin Givens and others. L.T. didn't have any stories to share about any of them.
Howard asked L.T. about hanging out with Eddie Murphy and his wife. Howard said that Eddie's wife is really hot but she's hardly black like she claims to be. Howard said she's about as black as he is. Howard noticed that Bam Bam had some messed up teeth so he asked him why he doesn't fix them. Bam Bam said that Andre the Giant had stepped on his face one time and screwed them up. He just never got them fixed.
Howard got back on the OJ Simpson thing and told the guys why he thinks that he did it. He talked about that with the guys for a short time and then gave them some plugs for their upcoming fight. He also talked to L.T. about his football career. Robin asked him if he misses playing. L.T. Said he doesn't miss it all that much. He still loves the game though.
L.T. Said that he was going to be golfing the day after he has this match with Bam Bam. He doesn't think that he'll have any problem going out and getting back to that stuff after the fight. Howard said it seemed like Bam Bam didn't like all of this talk. He also said he thinks that they had all of this is pre-planned but Bam Bam is going to be so pissed about this conversation that he's going to beat the crap out of L.T. and screw up the plans.
Howard told the two of them to be careful in this fight they're having. He wrapped up and took a break a short time later.
Howard asked if anyone had taped Superman this week because he missed the episode and wanted to see it. He said he felt like a douche asking for it but he really wanted to see the episode. He has a VCR that he uses to tape the show but he had an Amy Lynn tape to watch and put that in the player. He said he got a little caught up in that and had to finish himself off so he forgot to put the right tape in there.
Gary gave Howard some advice on his VCR use and told him he shouldn't leave it on because he could ruin the heads by leaving it running so much. Howard told him that he could afford to buy a new one. Howard and Robin both said that they don't set the time on their VCRs for the shows they want to watch. Howard said he just hits record when he wants to watch something.
Gary told him that setting a VCR these days is really easy so he should be able to do it no problem. Howard said he doesn't want to be bothered. He had Robin start her news a short time later.
After taking a break in the news Howard read some news about the San Francisco ratings. He said that they can't even be heard out there but they're getting good ratings anyway. He didn't want to waste too much time talking about that so he got back to Robin's news.
Ralph came in and sat in during the news. He was doing some impressions of people crying as they were accepting their awards at the Academy Awards show. Robin had a bunch of audio clips to play from the show so they were all goofing on some of the speeches. They wrapped up the show around 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started the show talking about how he loved that Elephant Boy intro. It was from out in Cleveland. Howard had Fred replay it. They had some fun goofing around with that for a minute. Howard loved it so much he had Fred play it again. They went to break after that.
After the edited out break Howard came back and talked about David Hinkley and how he had mentioned Robin and how she should recognize the black broadcaster pioneers before her. Howard said there were none, Robin is the pioneer. Howard said they should be recognizing her. Howard said Robin went on and did her own thing. He said she did something different. He said she didn't go to anyone for any help. Howard said he wants to know who Robin is supposed to be recognizing.
Howard said next Tuesday he's going to ask his audience for help. He's going to stage a boycott of one of their sponsors that went Hollywood on them. Howard said he's going to ask them not to buy a certain product starting then. He said he got calls from newspapers around the country. He said he thinks that they'll be successful with the boycott. He said that the press wants to know what company they're going to boycott because thy know that it can work.
Howard said they have had attempts at boycotts before and he thinks this will work while those other ones didn't. Howard said they will be successful. Howard said the politicians are starting to flock to them and that's because they represent the kook factor. Howard said they have the votes and they have the people who will make this thing work. Howard said they're going to stop buying this product and that's that.
Howard said he was watching the show and there were some great bathing suit scenes with Tori Spelling. He said she must have put like 90 pounds of silicone in her chest.
Howard said there's one scene in the show where Tori's character gets thrown down the stairs. He said she almost breaks her arm. He said with all of that breast material you'd think she'd bounce back up. He said that one guy on Prodigy was telling him that last night. He said her chest looks fantastic and the show was great too. Howard said he liked the show.
Howard said he was reading in the paper today about attorney Dominic Barbara hawking a book. Dominic is asking for a $100,000 advance for the book. He's just shopping it around right now. Of course Howard's name is mentioned in the article he was reading. Howard said Dominic should be writing a cook book. He said he's trying to write this book and he has no idea what it is he has to say. Howard said he's in the company of John Wayne Bobbitt, Joey Buttafuoco and others. Howard said he's not to thrilled about that.
Howard goofed on Dominic about that for a minute. He said they'll have to talk to him about that. Gary had him on the phone already. Howard asked Dominic about the deal and if he hired a publicist to do this. Dominic was very mellow and just listened to Howard for a minute. Dominic said he wouldn't jeopardize his relationship with Howard with something in the book that would be hurtful. He said he would talk about their friendship unless he wants nothing in there. Howard said he doesn't want to be mentioned. Dominic said he won't then.
Howard goofed on Dominic's voice and told him to just write a cook book instead. He and Fred were both doing their impressions of Dominic.
Dominic asked if he was really mad. Howard said he is. Dominic told him not to be because he won't mention him in the book. Howard kept telling him to write the cook book.
Howard and Dominic were talking about Robin's lie detector test and how Dominic thinks that Robin is a lesbian after hearing it. Robin said she's not though.
Howard asked Dominic where Joey Buttafuoco was. Dominic wasn't sure but he said they had to be in court. Howard let him go a short time later. Howard goofed on him a little more and then went to break.
Howard and Gary talked about how the interview was going and how Tommy was handling it at first. Howard had to go to break before playing it.
After the edited out break Howard came back and talked about the movie studios and how they claim they never make any money off of the big movies. He said they found out that one studio claimed to be $62 million in the hole for ''Forrest Gump.'' He said the writer had a deal to make money on the profits and now the movie company is saying that it didn't make any money. Howard said there never is a net profit on any movie. Howard said they said that about ''Coming to America'' too. Howard said you never take a net profits deal when you make a movie. Howard said he knows better than to make a deal like that.
Howard read about rush Limbaugh buying a $5 million apartment and that kind of upset him. He said he wants to know when people are going to stop listening to him.
Howard read about Judge Ito kicking a witness out of the courtroom in the OJ case. Robin and Howard spent a minute talking about that.
Stuttering John came in so Howard could get to the Tommy Lasorda tape. Howard said John was treated like a human being for the first time in his life. John said Tommy was teaching people how to cook at this thing. He said they were at a mall and they had a hot plate for him to cook on. John said they told him to come back into this private room to do the interview. Howard said he usually gets thrown out of these things.
John said the publicist was thrilled because they were the only crew there. He said they were willing to do anything for them. Howard said John looks like a journalist now that he cut his hair. He said they asked some generic questions first and Tommy seemed to be proud. Howard said he was bigger than baseball this day. Howard said they had written a hemorrhoid question and that's the one that really threw him off.
Howard played the interview and John was asking things like ''What was the last book you read?'' Tommy answered that one and John threw out a couple more softball questions before getting to the hard ones.
John asked Tommy what his epitaph would be and Tommy had an answer immediately. He said it would be ''Dodger stadium was his address but every stadium was his home.'' Then John asked Tommy ''I know you're fat again, do you have to give back the money to Slim Fast?'' Tommy said he's not fat again. Howard said this was funny because they were doing the one on one thing. Howard replayed that question again and then the next one which was ''Since coaches sit so much, do their 'roids bleed a lot?'' Tommy told him not to be such a smart ass. Then the publicist said it was time to go. They kicked John right out after that.
Howard replayed that final question and Howard said you can hear one of the people in the room saying ''Did I call it?'' as they were kicking him out. Robin said that Tommy can't believe what he's hearing when they ask those wild questions and he always says ''What?'' like he thought he was hearing things. Howard replayed the last question again.
Howard mentioned some of the other questions they had. He said that Tommy never seems to catch on. He played the first interview John got with Tommy after that. In that clip Tommy was eating as John was interviewing him. John asked a couple of softball questions and then hit him with ''Do you ask your players to refrain from sex before a game?'' Tommy said he didn't want to talk about that. Tommy said that was enough.
Howard played the second interview that John did with Tommy. John asked Tommy about Marge Schott and if he had ever seen her using racial slurs. Tommy said he had never heard anything like that out of Marge. Tommy said she was always very nice around him. John also asked Tommy ''When the riots were going on in L.A. where did you hide?'' Tommy said he didn't have to hide. John also asked ''How come so many baseball players scratch their crotches so much?'' Tommy didn't want to answer that. Then John asked if he's upset that those stupid Canadians won the World Series again. Tommy went off on John for calling them ''stupid Canadians'' and lectured him with a mouth full of ice cream.
Howard was doing an impression of Tommy talking with the mouth full of food. Fred got in on that too. Howard said they have a nice little running thing going on with Tommy now. They've interviewed him all these times and he still doesn't seem to recognize John. Howard continued to do the impression of Tommy and his speech impediment. Howard said Tommy is going to start seeing John in his sleep soon. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he saw some protest going on where the people got arrested because they didn't have a permit to do it. Howard said they really need the railroad to be running for the people who use it every day. Howard said he and Robin have it made and don't have to use it but they still feel for them.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested they have Jackie get stomped by rioters in a skit for the show. Howard thanked him and moved on.
Another caller burped when Howard picked up on him. That's all he was doing so Howard moved on. The next caller asked what was going on down there in New York. Howard said nothing was going on. The caller said his old lady is pregnant and they're not married. Howard had guessed he wasn't based on his accent. Howard asked the guy if he had a job. He wasn't and said he had been unemployed since January. Howard talked about how great it is in this country because you don't have to worry even when you're out of a job. The caller said everything will be alright for him. He said he's going back to school. Howard thanked that guy for the call and tried to hang up but the guy had more to say. The guy asked about his baby situation and Howard told him it sounds like he's not bothered by much so he should be just fine. The guy said his girl's attitude was changing though. Howard said he'll be fine and hung up.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if Jon Lovitz has a hard on for him or something. He's been in his cartoon show like 4 times now. Howard said Lovitz wishes he could be him. He said they mention his name every week praying that he'll mention the show. Howard said the guy is a nobody and he goes on interviews and mentions that he hates him too. He said if he hates him then why do they use his name in ''The Critic?''
Howard said that Lovitz ruins everything that he's in. He said he's like Rosie O'Donnell. He said every scene she's in ruins the movie. He went off on her for a minute about her awful acting.
Howard said Lovitz is an awful actor and people now know from seeing all of the movies he's been in. Howard said people fear going to the theater if he's in a movie. Howard said he should change his name from Lovitz to Hatesit. He said the guy has no career. He said he can't do a radio show. He said the carton will be canceled. He said he's like the white Garrett Morris. He said his big moment was grabbing Jamie Lee Curtis' chest. That's it.
Howard went off on Lovitz for a couple more minutes about how awful he was. Howard said someone believed in the guy at one time but it turned out to be a mistake. Howard said he had to get off of this subject and take a break. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said Ronnie told him about a woman who knows Scott the Engineer and told him that he was a bad child. He used to urinate on his blanket in nursery school. Howard had Scott come in to talk about that. Howard said he heard that Scott would wet his blanket and the woman would get wet too.
Scott came in so Howard told him what he had just said. Scott said that story was not true. Absolutely not true. He said he didn't wet his blanket. He said he has a cousin by the name of Scott Salem too. He said he worked at channel 9 when they were there. Scott said as far as he knows he was a perfect little boy.
Howard said he was reading a letter he got about Gary and the way he dresses at work. He said that the writer is upset that Gary is back to wearing t-shirts to work. He was wearing a shirt and tie for a while. Gary said he doesn't have gravy stains on his shirt like the writer says. Gary said they didn't have any guests coming in so he just went back to the t-shirts. Howard told him he could wear a sports jacket at least. He could just put that on over the t-shirt. Gary said that he just stopped doing it 3 weeks ago too. Howard thought it was longer than that. Gary said that Carol Leifer had asked him about the way he was dressing. He said he'll snap to again.
Howard said they can make stars out of just about anyone on this show. He said Tom was telling him about the boat ride they do for the clients and Gary asked for a hotel room because he thinks that he's a star. Gary said he can't go on that trip and stay out late and then try to get into work the next morning. Gary said he has to do that if Howard wants him in bed at a reasonable hour.
Howard said he doesn't care about this boat ride. He told Gary if he's so important then he should be dressing nice for the show. Gary told Howard he's a dick for turning this whole thing around on him. He was trying to prepare to get to the show on time by getting a hotel room.
Howard asked Gary if the show is any different since he stated dressing down. Howard said he should be dressing nice. Gary said he knows that but no one is looking at him in a different way. Howard disagreed. He said he should wear something nice every day. He said he gets less respect around there when he dresses in a t-shirt. Howard said he's seen the overall vibe there and he isn't getting the respect he could if he dressed nicer.
Gary was defending himself against Howard and Stuttering John came in and went off on him too. That led to them fighting and arguing. Howard said he doesn't care about this stuff. He was upset that he didn't have his yogurt and he asked them to get an intern to go out and get it. John said that Grillo didn't come in this morning but he didn't know he wasn't going to come in. He said he would have gotten the yogurt if he knew he had to get it. That's usually Grillo's job to get that.
John and Gary were arguing about what John is supposed to do and John was saying that Gary is the one who screwed up. They went back and forth about that for a minute.
Gary was also saying that he isn't a star and he knows that. He said that he never said that. Howard said that Tom should be providing him with the hotel room. Gary said he hasn't even been asked to go on that boat ride yet. He said Tom just asked if he would go and he asked if he could have a hotel room. Tom said no and that was it.
Tom Chiusano came in to talk about the clothes Gary wears. He said that he does get more respect if he dresses nice. Tom said he does give him the most respect he can but it would be better for the station and the show if he dressed nicer. Gary said he outgrew his other clothes so that's what happened there. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Kathy's material is okay but it's not all that great. He played the clip of Kathy talking about listening to radio and saying that she can ''hear'' music by the vibrations. Howard played a quick clip but then made fun of her voice for a minute. He said he could do deaf stand-up too. He had the deaf voice down pretty good. Howard did that for a few minutes to demonstrate his deaf skills. Howard said he did a test in there and talked behind Kathy's back and he thinks she heard him.
Howard played more of Kathy's stand-up about how she can feel the music. She had some lame jokes about hoping they'd bring out a radio with big, floppy lips on it so she can read them. Then Kathy talks about how Howard Stern had asked her to come on his show. She said she wondered if he was a nice guy. Then she went on the show and said she thought she was lip reading him wrong because of the wild questions he was asking her.
Howard stopped the tape again and said that the audience is giving her mercy laughs. Howard said she wasn't that funny. Howard said he should get a whole get up and go up on stage and do an act as a deaf person. He said he could be like Andy Kaufman doing the Tony Clifton character. He said he could do multiple handicaps too. He said he could speak out of a cancer kazoo and do the deaf voice. Howard said he'd just go to an area where they don't know him very well. Howard said he thinks that he could get away with that. He did the voice for a few minutes and had some material. He was funnier than Kathy.
Howard got back to the Kathy Buckley clips. She told the audience about being on Howard's show and how that went for her. Howard would stop it and do his impression of her once in a while. She was telling some cute jokes and people were howling in the audience. Howard said it wasn't that funny. It sounded like they might have been sweetening the laughter.
Howard said he thinks he could get laughs doing the deaf person impression on stage. Howard did some of the material he had and the guys were laughing. Howard said he's going to be the biggest thing with this act. Robin told him he's getting a little crazy now. Howard told some more jokes and had Robin and Jackie laughing. Fred threw in some Jackie laughs to sweeten the laughter a bit. He was also playing applause in the background. He had some jokes that were making Jackie laugh his ass off. They were probably jokes that Jackie was writing. Howard said he had to take a break.
Howard explained to the guy that there are comedians out there who are not that funny and people laugh at them because they feel bad for them. Howard said he does an exaggerated voice when he does the impressions and that's all he's doing. The caller seemed to calm down a little bit after that.
Howard took another call from a guy (that was me, Mark from MarksFriggin.com) who was doing his impression of one of the Jackie sounds. Howard had Fred play the clip that he was doing the impression of. It was Jackie kind of saying ''Yeah'' in an odd way. The caller then asked Fred if he had gotten the copy of his game ''Baba Booey's Adventure'' that he had sent in. Fred said he did get it but hadn't installed it yet. The guy said it was cool so Howard said ''you're cool'' and hung right up on him.
Howard took a call from a woman and ended up doing some sexy talk with her. He asked how old she was. He thought she was an old hag. She was only 26. The woman said she listens to him a lot and she's heard he doesn't get laid much. Howard said the last time he had it was 2 and a half weeks ago. She said she has a phone sex service and she's offering him some services for free. Howard said he can't do that. She said that they'd find out it was him and play it for his wife. She said they wouldn't do that.
Howard wanted to try out the phone sex thing so he had her do some dirty talk with him. The caller described herself and told Howard about her naval ring and things like that. She told Howard how perky her breasts were and how she likes to have fun with a man. She started moaning when Howard started talking to her about massaging her and things like that. Howard and the caller spent a couple of minutes doing the phone sex thing. She got a little too dirty a couple of times so Howard had to tell her to watch what she says.
Howard asked the phone sex woman about her past and found out she worked in a porno shop and she had a lesbian experience with a woman once. She said that was her first time and the other woman's first time. She said there was a man in the room too but he just watched. Howard wanted her to come in and visit so they could see what she looks like. He put her on hold and moved on.
Howard talked more about the boycott he's planning for next week. He said he's going to talk about that on Tuesday. They went to break after that.
Howard said he had a Michael Jackson single that just came out. He said he wants to try and figure out what it's about. Robin said she heard a clip of a kid talking about how weird Michael is looking. The song is called ''Naughty Radio'' so Howard tried to find a version that he could play. There were a bunch of different ones to play.
Howard said he thinks they're all the same song. Howard played the song and said he hopes it bombs. Howard said he heard Sony put $30 million into this and there's no way they're going to make that back. Gary said he can't believe he denies having work done on his face. He said they did a retrospective of his career and it's so obvious he has. Howard said he heard Jackson is going to get fins and gills next.
Howard listened to some of the song and wondered why he's yelling in the song. Howard said he just doesn't get him. When Michael would make his ''Eee hee'' sounds Fred would play some of Jackie's weird noises.
Howard did his Michael Jackson impression and talked about the weird things the guy had done in his career. Howard said they should have made him leave the country and not come back. Howard said they almost got rid of him. Howard let the song play some more and goofed on Jackson about his spotted wiener and the alleged child molestation charges.
Howard said he hopes the album bombs. He said he doesn't like the man. He said he had a meeting with him and he will reveal what happened there eventually. He wasn't saying how he would do that though. Howard said he and Tinkerbell had a meeting.
Robin read a story about some things going on in Bosnia. Howard said that today is pool day, isn't it? Robin said it's too cool out and it's raining. Howard said he feels bad but he wants to sit by the pool to catch a tan.
Robin read some news about the OJ Simpson trial. She had some updates on the trial and how one of the jurors had to be taken out.
Robin read about the NBA championship and had some audio clips to play. Howard played those clips and Howard played a Billy West crying clip whenever anyone would sound upset about something. Howard said all of the sports interviews sound the same. They all say the same things.
Robin said that Cardinal O'Connor is trying to recruit men into the priesthood. Howard tried to figure out what the benefits were for being a priest and there weren't many he could come up with. Howard went to break after that.
Richard came in a minute later. Howard asked him about the minister thing and said it's weird because he has tattoos on his arms and he has dyed hair. He said that's all kind of strange. Howard asked if the priest thinks he's weird. He said he did at first but then he warmed up to him. He said the guy was interested that he was still going to church as a young person.
Howard asked what he does over the wafers at church. Richard said he doesn't do anything. He just holds the wafers. He said he puts them in people's mouth.
Howard asked what he wears and how things work at the church. Richard filled him in on all of that and it didn't sound like that big of a deal. Howard asked if he pours the wine. He said he just hands it to the people.
Howard said Tom Chiusano is going to love him after he hears all of this. Tom came in and said that he's not that religious. He said he is impressed with Richard though. Robin asked Richard if he's ever thought about becoming a priest. Richard said he hasn't.
Howard asked where the wafers come from. Richard said he's not sure where they order them. Richard said he just gets them from the priest. Howard asked how many flavors there are. Richard said there's just one. Howard said he'd ask people if they wanted some Cheez Whiz on their wafers.
Tom talked about how he doesn't really go to church that much. He goes with his wife a couple of times a year.
Howard wanted to get out of there so he could start his long weekend. Robin said she was trying to help but he keeps talking about this stuff and makes the show longer. Howard spent a few more minutes with Tom and Richard before he had to take another break.
Robin got back into some news and read about the guy who hopped the fence at the White House. She had some quotes from the man's father about the incident. The father was a retired Lieutenant Colonel.
Robin read a story about the new movie Braveheart and said the reviews are good. Robin said it's getting 4 star reviews. Howard didn't even know what it was about. Robin explained it to him and said it was an incredible story about an incredible man. She said it was much more enjoyable than she thought it was going to be.
Robin also read about the new Keanu Reeves movie Johnny Mnemonic. She had some clips from that movie that Howard played. Howard heard those and said he thinks that he'd ask for his 7 bucks back after hearing those clips.
Robin read about Paramount Pictures saying that haven't made any profits on ''Forrest Gump'' yet. Howard said that the guy who wrote the movie is suing over that because he can't believe they haven't made money on the movie.
Robin read a story about the Pocahontas movie and how the cartoon isn't true to life according to a descendant of Pocahontas. She worked on the movie and she doesn't think it's true to life. Robin said other American Indians are saying it's a good representation.
Robin read about how Mary Tyler Moore was going to be appearing nude in a new movie called ''Flirting with Disaster.'' Howard said they waited a little too long for that. He said no one wants to see her nude now.
Robin read about a psychic who was fired from WOR for saying something rude about Joan Hamburg making the microphone smell like her underwear.
Robin said that Jerry Seinfeld and his girlfriend have been working out a lot lately. She wrapped up with that story. Howard said he'll be out watching them work out over the weekend.
Howard started the show talking about what they had coming up. They had Governor Pataki coming in. Anna Nicole Smith was also going to be coming in. They talked about how big her breasts were for a short time. Howard said Cyndi Lauper was also going to be coming in. He said she'd be performing ''Time After Time'' for them.
Robin said she has some things going on today. Howard said that Robin used to have an intern, Andy, that Robin would go out to lunch with and he had a tiny ear on one side. Robin said that the kid was just 14 when he interned for them. Howard and Fred said they had no idea he was that young.
Howard asked how Andy was doing. Robin said he's doing okay and she was just hanging out with him the other day.
Howard said he's going to meet Governor Pataki there today. He said that the whole time he's lived in the New York area there has always been road work holding up traffic. He said that it makes you crazy when you see it going on in the middle of the day when the traffic is the worst. He said he wanted to get this night construction going when he was running for governor. Howard said people in their cards only care about getting to work and he wanted to make it easier.
Howard said that Pataki is going to make the night construction happen and today he and Pataki are going to go to be signing in the bill to make that night construction a law. He said he and Pataki are going to drive to a rest stop to sign the paper. He said they'll be in the middle of the Grand Central Parkway where the Mobil station is. Howard said they're going to make history there.
Howard said he really loves Pataki because he has done this for him and he's crediting him for bringing it to people's attention.
Howard said that his mother has some thoughts on prison reform that she wants to share with Governor Pataki. Howard said that his parents are going to be there today so they want to share some stuff with Pataki as well.
Howard said he got a call from his mother last night and she was telling him about what she wants to talk about with Pataki.
Gary said he thinks it's cool he's going to be driving over to the appearance with Governor Pataki. Howard said they're going to be going over what they're going to do there on the drive over. Howard said he was going to plan on what to say but then he figured he'd just come up with something off the top of his head.
Howard said that they're doing some construction on the Long Island Expressway right now that makes you get off the highway. He said he thinks that they're doing that to get back at Pataki for putting his law into effect. Howard said the construction can really be horrible for people driving into work every day.
Howard said that their former Governor, Mario Cuomo, couldn't figure out any of this stuff. The guys talked about some of the other stuff that Pataki had put into effect since he got into office. Howard said he thinks that people can drive by to see what's going on this morning at that gas station they'll be at.
Howard brought up the discussion they had with Kato Kalin on the show the day before. They spent a short time on that. Robin told Howard that Carrot Top had signed a 3 picture deal and they're saying that he could be the next Jim Carrey. Gary said he had some funny stuff about Jim Carrey and how they gave him 11 minutes on the show when he was on back in 1993 and he was on the panel with 3 people. Howard said at least they had him on.
Howard said that Stuttering John was at Richard's press conference for some new videos he released. John said that they didn't have a lot of people there. Howard wondered why they would hold a press conference for something like that. He thought that was kind of odd.
Howard said he doesn't get Richard's diet plan that he has on cards. He said that he'll eat anything and just use those cards to keep track of how much he eats. Howard said that he eats fattening things and thinks that's the right way to diet.
Howard said that John went to interview Richard. John said that they brought out a bunch of kids to dance to some of the music on his video. Howard was going to play some of the audio from the interview but Gary came in and interrupted saying that they had Governor Pataki on the phone. Gary said that he was very important so he had to interrupt. Howard said that if Gary had produced the show correctly he would have organized things differently.
Howard told Governor Pataki that their former governor spent 4 years building this room in the mansion that he used for ''thinking.'' Howard said that Pataki didn't need a thinking room like Cuomo did. Howard said that Pataki knows what to do without building a whole room just for thinking about it.
Howard talked about how things were over at the Javits center for years and how Pataki came in and cleaned it up in just 2 months. Pataki said that things are going well with the Javits center now and people are getting in line to come to New York City. He said that's the way things are supposed to be.
Howard talked to Pataki about the night time construction and how he loves the whole idea of it. Howard told him about the site he drove by this morning that makes it appear that they're mad at the whole idea of the nighttime construction. Robin asked why the construction projects take so long to finish. Pataki said they're going to be looking into that as well.
Pataki said that they shouldn't tell people where they're going to be this morning. Howard had already announced where they were going to be. Pataki said that he wanted to keep it low key. Howard said he didn't know that and thought that he told him it was okay to say where they were going to be.
Robin said that Governor Pataki has stuck to his word and he's doing great so far with that stuff. Howard said that his fans are laughing at the construction workers out there who have to work at night now.
Howard asked how much of a speech he has to make. Pataki said two minutes should be fine. He said that he will be introducing Howard to the crowd. Howard told him that his mother will be there and she wants to lobby him about some stuff but he's going to keep her away from him.
Howard talked about how impressed his father was when he met Pataki. Howard said this is a great honor for him as well. Howard said he knows what to do today and he may have to lift some stuff from Lou Gerhig's speech. He wrapped up with him a short time later and let him go.
Howard said he really didn't know he wasn't supposed to mention where they were going to be appearing. He said he won't say where that is again.
Howard said he doesn't know what he's going to say in his speech but he'll figure it out. He wondered if Governor Pataki wanted to go to Scores on the way over there. Robin didn't think he would.
Stuttering John said that they could keep traffic down if they kept commercial trucks out of the city until night only. Howard said that he had a good idea there. Robin said that those trucks really are a problem. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Anna if she knew of him. Anna said of course she does. Howard said he's not sure he could handle a woman like her.
Howard was checking out Anna's lips and said she must know what's on his mind. She asked if he wanted her to eat the banana he had there. Howard let her do that. Jackie said that banana never had a chance. She told Howard that she swallowed that banana too.
Howard talked to Anna about how she was discovered. She told Howard about how she got the cover of Playboy after she wasn't able to get much work modeling. Howard found out that Anna didn't have a dad around when she was younger and he told her that's the best kind of woman to get. Howard asked if she was molested as a kid. She said maybe, maybe not. Howard said that was a yes to him. Anna said that she had a rough childhood.
Howard said that Anna must have had breasts at the age of 4. She said she didn't have any breasts until she got pregnant, then she blossomed. Howard said he could make Anna feel so young if he was with her. Howard said that the old man can't be making her feel young.
Anna talked about her husband and how she didn't sign any pre-nuptial agreement. Howard said that the family has stepped in though. She said that they have. She talked about how they weren't very nice to her.
Anna told Howard that this guy really appreciates her and she appreciates him so it's a good relationship. Howard asked Anna if she ever went out with Brad Pitt because she mentions him in interviews. She said that she likes him but she's never actually met him.
Howard asked Anna what she does with the husband. She wasn't giving details on exactly what she does with him. He's in the hospital right now so she can't do much with him at all. Robin said that she sees Anna all over the place now on products and things. She must be making money. Anna said that her image is being used on a lot of stuff without her permission so she's not getting paid for it.
Howard said that Anna was in to promote this show Eden Quest. They talked about that and Howard checked out some pictures of her as well. Howard said he'd climb those breasts of her's every day like Mt. Everest.
Howard found out that Anna had gotten married a 16 year old the first time. She said that she doesn't even know where that guy is at this point.
Howard asked Anna if she's had sex with any famous guys. Anna said she hasn't yet but she'd like to kiss Michael Keaton's lips one time in that Batman outfit. Howard said he would go out with her. He said that he might be able to get Michael Keaton for her.
Howard said he heard that Anna had tried to kill herself. Anna told Howard about going out and having a few beers that night and how she was woken up by this guy who was taking a lot of pills. She said that he went over and laid on the floor like he was dead after saying he was going to kill himself. She told him to go ahead and do that and went back to sleep. She said that the next thing she knew she had tubes down her throat and a bunch of guys working on her thinking that she had overdosed.
Howard asked Anna about the family of her husband keeping her away from him and not letting her visit him in the hospital. She said that she was able to get in to see him and she flashed him.
Gary told Howard that Anna's management told him that they can't talk about certain things because she's still in court. He said that they might have to pull her out of there if they keep talking about her husband.
Howard asked Anna about what she was wearing because she was bursting out of it. Howard said he could see most of her cleavage. Everything but her areolas. He asked if guys spend a lot of time on her breasts. She said that her husband does. Howard said that he would ignore her breasts if he had her in bed. He said he would have her up on all fours. He had a picture of her doggy style that he showed to the guys in the studio.
Howard had Anna come over to him so he could hug her. Howard threw a bunch of stuff out of the way to make it easier for her. Anna asked if she could see just how big that thing of his was. Howard said he wasn't going to show her that. He did hug her though.
Howard asked Anna if she likes rough sex and third input. She didn't know what input that was. It took her a few seconds to figure it out.
Howard gave Anna some plugs for her movie ''To The Limit'' which she said was a very low budget thing. She said that she only got a couple of takes in the movie. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that they had their wires cut in Cleveland a while back when they were doing their funeral show there. Howard said that everyone is treating it as a big joke but there's one guy, the prosecutor, who is taking it seriously. Howard said that the radio station that did it actually included that stuff in their commercials for the station and that's not cool.
Howard said that he sent over a statement for the judge to read and the first draft was too comedic so he went back and wrote a new one. He had audio of that statement being read in court. Howard played the clip and they read his statement about his thoughts on the way the wire cutting was being mocked and how he wondered why they weren't taking it more seriously.
Howard said he wrote that statement on his computer the day before. Howard said that the judge responded to his statement and she was moved by his words. He played some audio of that and Howard explained what she was talking about in the clip. He had said that management over at the station knew about that but there were no indictments brought against them so she wanted to make that clear.
Howard said that he thinks that this Prosecutor is going to keep on top of this whole thing. He said that after the sentencing he handed a subpoena to some of the people involved in the whole thing and now he wants to bring them to a grand jury to find out what they knew. Howard said that he's going to make sure that justice is done.
The sentencing turned out to be nothing because they gave them a 6 month suspended probation. Howard had some audio of the apologies that the people in the case made in court. That led to them playing Jackie's apology to his wife for the Jessica Hahn bathtub incident.
Gary said that the one person took 10 seconds to apology and the guy gave a 4 second apology. Howard said they thought that they had gotten off Scott free but then the prosecutor handed them their subpoena's to appear in front of a grand jury. They asked what it was about but he didn't comment on it. All of that was caught on the courtroom recording so Howard had it all.
Howard said that the only reason it's being treated frivolously is because he's involved. Howard said if it was anyone else they'd be taking it very serious. Howard said he'd like to know what happened with the grand jury thing. Gary said that they should hear something later in the morning.
Howard said that he still has hope in Prosecutor Weintraub. He said that things are moving along but very slowly.
Howard said that they have a scene where Dice thinks that a Bidet is a water fountain when they're out house hunting and he thought that was pretty funny. Howard said that he was friends with Dice and went out house hunting one time. Howard said he thinks that Dice has dumped a lot of his friends since he went out there and started doing that stuff.
Howard said he's not good at being friends with guys. He said that he just can't keep that up. Howard said the time he went out house hunting with Dice he had to yell at him to behave the whole time. Howard said he doesn't really see anyone now. He said that Dee Snider is his best friend and he has barely seen him since 1991.
Howard told some stories about going out house hunting with Dice and how hard it was to handle him. Howard said that Dice was yelling at the real estate agent about the houses she was showing. He said that he had to leave Dice to do his own thing because of that.
Howard said Dice and Hot Tub Johnny were running up and down the stairs in one house because they wanted to hear if it made noise in other rooms.
Howard said they were out driving around and this guy came over to ask for directions. The guy was Indian or something and Dice ended up goofing on the guy and cursing him out for asking questions.
Howard told a story about another house where Dice got freaked out by some stuff he thought was voo doo dolls. It was actually African art but Dice thought that it was an omen for the house and he refused to buy it. He also didn't like that one of the houses had two 6's in the phone number. He was freaked out by that. Howard told him that it was absurd.
Howard said he told the real estate agent about why Dice didn't want that house and she couldn't believe it. Howard said it was nightmare and anyone that got involved with him had to deal with the nightmare. He said he had to go to break after that.
Howard had Cyndi come in after that. Howard told her she looked really cute. He talked to her about her husband for a second and then asked if she had a bra on. She said she did but gave him a hard time about looking. Howard said that he likes how women put them out on display and then get mad at guys for looking. She told him he could look as much as he wanted as long as he didn't touch.
Howard asked Cyndi if she was ready to do a song. He heard that she wanted to do that first before the interview. He ended up talking to her for a few minutes instead of letting her play.
Howard kept telling Cyndi how good she looked. She introduced him to the people she had with her to play her song. They went around the room with that and Howard kept telling Cyndi that they should hook up. Cyndi said that she's married. Howard said that didn't matter and she must think about other guys.
Howard said Cyndi has a great voice and asked her what song she was going to be playing today. They were having some trouble with their equipment so they had to get that fixed first.
Howard said he heard about her concert in the park and told her that's what he wants her to do today. She said that she was going to be performing ''Time After Time'' today. Howard said that's perfect and had her test out her instruments to make sure the levels were okay.
Howard asked Cyndi if she has all of the hair on her body made the same color as her head color. She laughed and said that it's all different colors. Howard said that it would be weird if the hair were different colors when she got undressed for him if he was married to her.
Howard had Cyndi perform her song after that. She and her crew performed ''Time After Time.'' After the performance Howard told her how great the song was. He said he liked the yodeling thing that she was doing in the song. He said he loves that sound. He told her it sounded great to him. He also told him that the new arrangement for the song was great.
Howard said that even Fred liked that song. Fred had come up with the rest of the people for his top 5 female singers. He said it was Cyndi Lauper, Phoebe Snow, Aretha Franklin, Carley Simon and Jesse Norman. Howard had no idea who Jesse Norman was. Fred said that she was an opera singer.
Howard said that Cyndi must have had a bad life based on what she said in that song. Howard said that he wanted to know what the song meant. Robin said it was like she was going to be there for someone else and not let them fall. They went over that for a short time.
Howard said that Cyndi has a sad life and she even tried to kill herself at one point. Cyndi said that she thought about jumping two floors down but figured she would just break her legs. Cyndi said that she decided not to do it since she probably wouldn't have died anyway. She said she really didn't try to kill herself. Howard said that he heard she had.
Howard told Cyndi that she should do ''True Colors'' too. Howard asked her to sing it to him and make him cry. Howard asked her to do the song and she agreed to do it but she wasn't tuned to the right chord. Howard said he could take a commercial break and she could tune during that.
Howard told Cyndi about how he was going to be hanging out with the governor today. Cyndi didn't believe him so Howard told her what was going on and she seemed impressed. Howard asked her if she wanted to come. She had some other things going on so she couldn't make it. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard came back and talked about how he needs to get into his own band. Howard said that Cyndi's new album had sold almost 3 million copies already. Howard said that it's a greatest hits album and they remade some of her hit songs.
Cyndi said that the record company came to them and asked her to remake some of the songs and the people get their money's worth out of it since they have different versions of the songs.
Howard said that Cyndi was going to do ''True Colors'' next. Cyndi asked what she had to do to get some coffee around there. Howard said she just had to ask. They messed around for a minute figuring out what to do and then played ''True Colors'' for the guys.
After the song Howard spent a little more time talking to Cyndi. Howard said that he really appreciated her coming in and doing the song. Cyndi talked about the great time she had doing the concert in the park the other day too. Howard thanked the rest of Cyndi's crew for performing. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he has to beg them not to do that with his show. He said he doesn't care what they do the rest of the day but they have to leave his show alone.
Howard was reading a fax about that stuff when Cyndi came back in and told Howard to stop complaining. Howard asked Cyndi how she'd feel if a record company changed the sound of her album without asking. Cyndi said she'd have to kill them. Howard said that they're doing the plate echo on the station like an old talk show. He doesn't want that on his show. He considers his show a work of art and he doesn't need that nonsense on his show.
Howard said he liked Cyndi's ankle tattoo. He told her to come over and sit on his lap. She went over and told him to lighten up a little bit. Howard said he liked the cha-cha pants she was wearing. Cyndi said they weren't cha-cha pants. Howard and Billy West were having some fun making fun of that word by doing their Grandpa Al Lewis impressions. Cyndi wondered why Billy was so quiet earlier. Billy said he was in awe.
Howard asked Cyndi if she wanted to kiss him. She said she didn't think so. Howard said that he would tongue her if she did. She told him that she'd have to kill him if he did.
Howard took a call from a guy in Los Angeles and asked him if they had echo on his voice. The guy had no idea. Howard had him turn on his radio so he could hear what was going on. They were still in a commercial break so they didn't hear the show. Howard said that they're 3 hours behind out there so they were just waking up out there.
Howard asked the guy if he heard the show earlier. The guy said he did and he heard the echo going on. He said he didn't hear it before the Cyndi Lauper appearance. Robin said that she got faxes earlier about it though.
Howard took some more phone calls and one woman asked who she was speaking with. Howard told her that he was the head muckety muck. She said she had some stuff to talk about like the Susan Smith case. They found out that she wasn't going to be executed. The caller said that she thinks that they should lock her in her cell for 23 hours a day. They could let her out for one hour a day for sunlight. She said that they need to paper her walls of her cell with pictures of her kids that she killed. Howard said that she was a heartless moron who wouldn't feel anything.
Howard said that they could dip the photos under water or maybe her cell should be dipped in water instead. Howard said that nothing is going to happen to that woman and she'll be out of jail in 7 years. The caller figured she'd find religion in jail and she'd come out claiming she's reformed.
Howard said she'll probably find Allah in there. Howard said that everyone who prays to Allah doesn't have any money and they live in poverty. Robin said that the guys with the oil pray to Allah. Howard said they probably pray to Jesus.
Howard got back to the Los Angeles thing and asked the caller he had on earlier if he heard the show now. The guy put his phone up to the radio so Howard could hear the echo that they were putting on the show. It did have echo so Howard said that he doesn't like it. He told them to get that crap off.
Howard blamed Walt Sabo for doing that to his show. Howard said that the guy got involved with him and now he's putting echo on his show. Howard said they do that so people can identify the station easier. Howard said he wants Bob Mohr on the phone so he can tell him what to do.
Howard said that maybe they should play chamber music behind his show and translate it into French too. He said he has to get that Walt Sabo on the phone but he's not easy to get. He said that Bob Mohr is easier to get.
Howard asked Gary if he was getting Bob on the phone. Gary said he had Walt Sabo's number but not Bob's. Howard had him dial the number for him right then. Howard said that Walt lives there in New York so he should be up. Howard said the guy is ruining his show from across the country.
Howard said that in real life people don't have echo on their voices. Howard said it sounds like they're in a cave with that echo on the show. He wasn't able to get Walt on the phone so he gave up on that. Howard said that there is no way people want to hear echo on a show. He said there is no way that's happening.
Bob Mohr called in and said he thinks he knows why Howard is calling. He told Howard that it's not supposed to have echo behind it. Bob said that they have more compression on the show but there should be no echo. Howard said that's bull and it's just echo, not compression, causing the problem. Howard told Bob that it's the most annoying thing out there. Bob said that he was going to take care of it and make sure they don't have it on his show anymore.
Bob said that he thought that Howard might be doing something with the echo when he heard it this morning. Howard said that he can't be putting echo on his show. Bob said that he would take care if that. He said they'll take that off and it won't happen again.
Howard asked what he can expect to happen tomorrow. Bob said that he didn't know what the compression was going to be. He said that they changed studios and they have the show taken in the same way. Howard said that they have the plate reverb on and that's what the echo is. Bob said he didn't know that but he will make sure they take it off and change it.
Howard talked about how the whole entertainment industry is going to be changing. He said that they're saying that they're going to be transmitting TV shows over this new ''internet'' thing they have now. He said that some day they won't have a need for the networks. Howard said that's why he wouldn't invest in anything like CBS at this point. He said he's starting his own network though. The Howard Stern Network.
Howard also talked about the guy suing Motorola about the cell phone accident. Howard said that this is why the country is in trouble. He said that people can sue anyone for something that isn't even their fault. After Robin finished up her news Howard ended the show. Master Tape Theatre was over around 6:50pm.
Howard started the show talking about how the E! crew had to fix his microphone again. He said he has multiple microphones in there. He said he was talking into a dead mic for about 5 minutes. He said they have a mural behind Robin in her studio too. He said he had to take a break to check out the microphone situation.
Howard said that some of the people there were shaken up by the news about Jerry Garcia dying. Howard said that some of the DJs were talking about how this was like the death of John Lennon. Howard said it's nothing like Lennon's death. Howard did his impression of Pete Fornatel talking about Garcia's death. He goofed around with that for a minute. Howard said that Jimmy Fink was calling in while they were doing this tribute to Jerry on the station. Howard said Jimmy was the first one on.
Howard told Gary not to mess with the headphones while he's talking about this stuff. He said that he should have someone else looking at that. Howard said that Gary just screwed up his flow. Howard told him to leave. He said he was trying to do this wrap but Gary was in there messing around with the headphones. Gary said he was just trying to do his job. Howard doesn't even know what his job is. Howard said he had to get his computer up and running so they can get to more stuff.
Tom Chiusano came in and corrected Howard about what he was saying. Howard was goofing on him and he said he forgot what he was going to say. Tom said he told the guys to get in there and fix it as soon as the show is over. Howard said he's bringing in his own engineer if he doesn't get it fixed in 2 days. Howard thanked Tom for that update and goofed on his Jerry Garcia tie and a few other things.
Howard said he was at the station running around and everyone was telling him about Jerry Garcia dying. He said that he had heard it but everyone was telling him like he lives in a cave. Howard said he had just finished a meeting when he felt he had to move his bowels. Howard said he hadn't made a movement there in months. He said his body is shutdown when he's away from the house. He said his whole system broke down. Howard said he doesn't want to sit on that toilet seat there because it's so disgusting.
Howard said he ran into the bathroom in the last stall. They have toilet seat covers there now. He said that he found a fairly dry seat and put the cover on. Robin told him how he's supposed to use it. He had no idea that you were supposed to let the paper hang in the water so it gets sucked in when you flush.
Howard had one of the covers and showed Robin how he used it. Howard said he took the front and ripped part of it out. Robin said Howard isn't so bright. Howard said he had no idea that it was supposed to hang in the water. Howard said if you urinate then the water gets in the way. They told Howard he had the cover backwards. Howard didn't understand it. Robin said she's never met someone who can't figure that out. Howard said he's been doing it all wrong.
Howard said he was in the bathroom and heard Pete playing some Grateful Dead music. Howard did his impression of what that sounded like when Pete talked about Jerry Garcia dying. Howard did his impression of Pete talking to Jimmy Fink who had called in to discuss it. Howard said he sat there and listened to the tribute while he was sitting on the bowl. Howard said he had done a mercy flush so no one in there would have to suffer. He didn't have any toilet paper though.
Howard said he was wondering why Jimmy was on the phone. He said he must have known something that the rest of them didn't know. Howard said Jimmy was talking about how Jerry was in rehab and he had died in there. Howard said he was scoring drugs in there so that's pretty hard core. Howard said that he listened to Pete and Jimmy talking about that stuff. Jimmy was home looking on the world wide web for the information. Howard said he could have watched it on the news. He said that the web doesn't give you that kind of news. He said that's why it sucks.
Howard said he was waiting and waiting in the bathroom because he didn't have any toilet paper. Howard said he was listening to the worst Grateful Dead music while he was sitting there. He played some of the music that Pete was playing as he was sitting on the toilet. Howard said he hates that song.
Howard played some other songs and talked about how much he dislikes their music. Howard said it's not even good music. Howard said he stood up and got some paper out of the next stall. He had been sitting there for like 6 minutes waiting for someone to rescue him. He said as soon as he stood up Gary came in and told him that Jerry Garcia had died. Howard said he knew someone would walk in when he stood up.
Gary told Howard they have a guy coming in next week to help them out with the smelly bathroom. Howard said that he gets stuck with listeners who the secretary lets into the bathroom there. Howard said he's not sure why they let people come in off the street to use their bathroom. Gary said they used to let people in who won things from the station. Howard said he's just trying to go to the can and he wants to be left alone. He said there's nowhere to hide. He said he does personal appearances in the can. Howard said he had to take a break and he'd talk more about the Grateful Dead.
Gary said Stuttering John didn't even know that Garcia had died. He said John was completely surprised. They went to break after that.
Gary said he had a guy on the phone who was upset with Howard. Howard said he knew it was just a matter of time before that happened. He picked up on the caller and the caller had to be told to lower his radio. Then the guy asked why he was ragging on Jerry Garcia. Howard said it wasn't him. He must be listening to another station. The caller said that he had a life similar to Howard's. Howard said he was right and he likes to go to rehab centers and score drugs.
The caller said that it was a spiritual thing for him. Howard said it's not for him and he's not going to avoid talking about the way he feels. Then he hung up on the caller.
Howard said that he was reading some news about Jerry's death and said the stuff they were writing was pretty funny.
Howard got back to his Pete Fornatel impression and goofed on him about the way he was doing his tribute to Garcia. Howard said there were camera crews there to cover all of this. Howard said the jocks there were getting interviewed so they were thrilled. Howard said they're the only ones playing classic rock so that's why they got so many interviews.
Howard said they had a backlog of phone calls there while all of this was going on. Every DJ was calling in to get on the air. Howard said they were filling the air time with Dave Herman and Pete Fornatel. He said he can't tell them from one another but Dave is supposed to be the big star there. Howard said Dave just sits there reading Prodigy baseball and the paper.
Howard said he ran down the hall and everyone started to feel stupid about talking about Jerry. Howard said that's when Dave told him that this was like John Lennon dying. Howard said that's just not the same thing.
Howard did more of his Pete impression and played some more Grateful Dead music. He wondered who these Grateful Dead fans were going to follow now that Jerry is dead. Robin figured they'd still follow the guys in the Dead.
Howard kept going with his Pete impression and goofed on him for a few more minutes. He said that he was never into the Dead even when they were hot. He said when they were hot they weren't even hot to him. Howard played a few different songs and kept doing the Pete impression.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he would be doing if he wasn't causing controversy or insulting other people. The caller said that he'd like to see Howard play with the Grateful Dead. The caller thought he could take over his job the next day. Howard said this caller is sitting listening to him and not making any money. The caller said he should be a good person and not insult everyone and cause controversy. The caller said he could do what Howard does anytime. Howard said his grammar was awful. The caller asked what he's going to do if he gets on the air. The caller said he would just do what Howard is doing.
Howard asked the caller if he's in Jersey. Howard said he's under a rock in Jersey and saying he knows what Jerry Garcia is all about. Robin told him to explain why he's so upset instead of insulting Howard. The caller kept repeating himself about what Howard was doing wrong. The caller said that the world would be a cooler place if he just wasn't so mean. Howard said he's a stupid dope and hung up on the him.
Howard took two calls and had the two callers asking who they were speaking to. They had no idea what was going on. Howard said he was having a problem with the phones. He did the same thing with another couple of callers.
One of the callers told Howard he doesn't have to knock on all of the Dead fans. Howard said he just never got it and he doesn't like their music. Robin said she went to one of their concerts once.
Gary said he had another Dead Head on the line who was upset. Howard took that call and the guy was saying that the Dead have been around all this time and the Beatles broke up in the 70s. They were saying that the Dead were on the cutting edge but Howard didn't agree with them about that. He didn't think they were ever on the cutting edge.
One of the callers was telling Howard to compare the Dead to some other people who are still around. Howard was arguing with them over their arguments. Howard was doing impressions of these callers and telling them the same things that he hears them telling him. Howard spent a few minutes with one caller doing the impression and goofing on what he was saying.
Howard took some more calls and had some people who don't like the Dead Head calls. Howard and Gary talked about the press conference they had there yesterday and how weird that was. Fred did his impression of Dave a little bit while they were talking about him.
Howard talked to Tom about the way they kept the cameras on Dave during that press conference because he's the afternoon man there. Howard kept doing his Dead Head impression during that discussion and made fun of the way they think they can start their own country and things like that.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if he was intelligent enough to respect people who have died. Howard kept doing his impression of a Dead Head while he spoke to her. Howard told her that she doesn't get it but she told him he doesn't get it. She said that people are hurting so he wouldn't be doing this if he had any respect. Howard said he has respect for all bands. She told him that she doesn't enjoy the show anymore. Howard told her that she's no longer allowed to listen to the show. He told her to go listen to Z-100 instead.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a joke for him. Howard stayed in that Dead Head voice while he took the calls. The caller told him the joke and how they have a new Ben and Jerry's flavor... Bury Jerry to go along with the Cherry Garcia. Gary told Howard the joke as the caller was telling him the punch line so Howard told him to get out of there. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said the band Sugar Ray was going to be coming in and they did a great cover of his song ''Psychedelic Bee'' and the people at MTV loved it so much that they asked them to perform it on a show called 120 Minutes. Howard said he wanted to show the tape on the E! show and they said they could only show a minute of it and show it in U.S. Territories. Howard said that they need them to sign a release to show it perpetuity but they refused. Howard said that they're really high energy and you have to see this performance.
Howard said the song is really good and they got a good reaction from it. Howard said that some of the women there were talking about how good looking the lead singer dude is. Howard said he takes his shirt off when he sings too.
Howard said the lead singer is Mark and he got Nicole Eggert to pose nude for their alum cover. Howard said that he must be a good looking dude.
Gary brought in the band so Howard could talk to them. Howard said that the guys don't even care about Jerry Garcia dying. Howard asked if they ever went to one of their concerts. Mark said he went to see them once but he got really bummed out. Howard said you have to be high to enjoy that music.
Howard said he never thought that his song would be a hit. He said he wrote that song in 5 minutes when he was a kid. He said that the song is ''Psychedelic Bee.'' Howard asked if Mark had memorized the lyrics. Mark said he did. He said that they all recognized the beauty of the song. Mark said they've been listening to the show since Howard started in Los Angeles so they heard Howard play the song. Mark said they heard him say he wanted someone to record it so that's why they did this cover.
The guys told Howard that they recorded the song really quickly in the studio and it worked. Howard said he gets angry when he hears the song. Howard said that's the way he heard it in his head too. He said they did it just the way he wanted it done. Howard told the guys about his drummer and guitarist on the song he did originally. Howard said he recorded it on a Wallensach tape recorder and sang the song over and over again. He said he may have done 90 takes to get it right on his tape.
Howard asked how they covered the song. Mark said he played it on a small speaker to bring out the mono quality of the song. Howard asked about the sampling they did at the start of the song and who came up with that. One of the guys told Howard how he came up with that and how they threw in the Brooklyn reference thinking that Howard was from Brooklyn.
Mark told Howard how he sang the song and how he just yelled it out. Howard told Mark he has to take his shirt off for Robin. Mark said he'll do that. Howard said his assistant just about fell down when she saw Mark on the video.
Howard asked Mark how many times he listened to the song. Mark said he listened maybe 60 times. He said that he had trouble retaining the lyrics but he does have a melody there.
Howard said he was going to play his version of the song first. He said that the song is about craving something and how you want it more. He said this was way before his experimentation with acid too. He said he was way ahead of his time. He said that's why he ended the song the way he did.
Howard asked Mark how they ended up on MTV with that song. Mark said they heard it on Howard's show and they suggested that they play it on that show. One of the guys said they played it last night live at the show they did.
Howard said that Billy Joel said that one of the biggest regrets he has is that no one ever covered any of his songs. Howard said that these guys are the only ones to cover his song so there must be something wrong with them.
Howard said that he was going to play his version of the song first. He played that and got some laughs out of the guys in the studio. Howard said that was obviously before he had any pubes. He said that when he was a kid he had a cop come into school and show them all of the drugs that they could take. He said that it didn't turn him off. He said that it made him want to take drugs. He said his daughter came home and told him that she had the same lecture. He wondered why they still teach that if it doesn't work.
Howard played more of the song and said that it's actually kind of annoying. Howard said the guys in Sugar Ray covered the song and played some of the version they recorded in a studio. Howard said they were going to play it live in there this morning too. He really likes their version of the song.
Howard said he had to take a break but he'd like to get his parents on the phone to talk to the guys about their cover of the song. Howard said that they thought he was wasting his time as a kid making that song but they were wrong.
Howard spent a little more time taking to the guys about how they got their band name and how they got Nicole Eggert on the cover. Mark said he was dating one of her friends and he got her to do the cover. Howard said it looks like she had the implants by then too. Howard asked if he got her in bed with the girlfriend. Mark said he did not. Howard asked who the girl was. Mark didn't say who that girlfriend was.
Howard said he had to take a short break and then get to the guys. After the edited out break Howard said that he found it unbelievable that they would want to cover his song. He said he's really psyched that they did it. Howard said that Robin Radzinski was in the back saying that she can't believe that god made something so beautiful. Howard said they were telling her that Mark is gay and that he's married to a dude.
Howard had Robin Radzinski come in to look at Mark. She came in a few seconds later and checked Mark out. Howard said she likes to bathe topless. He had her stick around for a minute and then let her go.
Howard had Gary bring in Mark's girlfriend too. He said he had to see who he's dating. While he waited he introduced, Murphy, Rodney, Stan and Craig who were in the band.
Mark's girlfriend came in so Howard talked to her for a minute. He met some of the other girls that were there with the band too. Howard said that they have some great bodies. Howard talked to each one for a few seconds. He told the girls to stick around and dance while the band plays.
Howard had the guys perform the song while he danced with the girls. Howard said this was a song he wrote when he was in 6th grade. The guys performed their cover of ''Psychedelic Bee'' after working out some technical problems.
After the song Howard said the women smell good. He said that was a nice version of the song. He thanked them for coming in. Howard said he was sandwiched in between the girls and the enjoyed that. They went to break after that.
Howard said that Larry Wert has a campaign going on where he's trying to get advertisers to back out of supporting the show. Howard said that his agent was in a deposition yesterday and they asked if Howard Stern had wished cancer on Larry Wert. Howard said that his agent said he absolutely did. Howard said that they talked about him in an article so he fought back.
Howard said that they're going to make sure they let everyone know that he wished the AIDS virus on someone. Howard said they just want him to go away and he's not going away. Howard said Mancow is a pussy too. He said he didn't even have the balls to put him on the air the other day. Howard said he should just go fight Danny Bonaduce. He said he's going to fist that dude. He played a fisting clip while he was talking about doing that.
Howard told Gary to get Tim Sabean on the line so he can talk to him about what went on with him and this Larry Wert guy. Howard said that Tim was all worked up over that. Gary said he wasn't able to get him on the phone.
Gary said that Mancow is planning a funeral for Howard tomorrow. Robin said he can't do anything original. Howard said his dead daddy should be really proud of him. Howard told him to keep talking about him because it will drive more people to his show to listen to him. Howard said he should put out a call to everyone who signed with that company and got screwed. He said they signed a piece of paper and they didn't live up to it. He said it's a joke and there is no justice. Howard said that he signed a contract and that's what he wants to get paid for.
Howard said they're plotting and planning his demise out there. Howard said that Larry should start training his daughter about how to screw people over. Howard said he'd be embarrassed to have him as a father. He wondered if Scott Ginsberg has kids too. He said he'd like them to find out what kind of guy he's like.
Howard said that Scott Ginsberg gives Jews a bad name and it's not like they need that. Howard said that Ginsberg is worried about his kids having money when he should be worrying about paying people he has contracts with. He said they want him out of Chicago so they can have their guy Mancow doing his awful show. Howard said he wants to know everything there is to know about Scott Ginsberg. He said he hopes they all get leprosy. He said the guy is a stupid ass. He'll see him in court.
Howard asked Dee about Jerry Garcia dying and what he thinks of the Dead. Dee said that he doesn't get it. He's not a fan. He didn't want to bash the fans but he doesn't like their music. Howard said all of the DJs there were trying to get camera time when they had the press there. He said that all the fans of the Dead did was follow the band around so now what are they going to do? Howard figured they'd turn to a life of crime. Dee said their image is that they're hippies but they're really not. He said they're some angry people.
Howard said that Dee is going to sit in during the news. Howard said he's in a new movie too. Dee said that he has a script and a guy to finance it. He's going to star in the movie too. He said he's going to be the Boris Karloff of his generation. Howard said he's writing a movie too. They took a break after that.
After the edited out break Howard talked more about this movie that Dee is doing. Dee said they're doing the movie independently and they'll shop it around after they make it. Dee is going to be in it and he'll probably have his family in it too.
Dee told Howard that he and the band are going out and playing around the area. He said they're going to start going around the country too. Howard said he told Dee that he should put together a whole craft fair kind of thing since he has good taste in jewelry and stuff. Howard said Dee won't even tell him where he buys this stuff. He's afraid that he'll end up wearing it.
Howard said he doesn't have taste himself. He said Dee does have taste. Howard said he likes the way Dee looks. He said if he was a girl he'd like to date someone like Dee and bring him home to his parents to freak them out. Dee said that has happened.
Howard talked to Dee about his tattoos and told him about some cool ones he's seen lately. Howard said that he'd like to get some more. Howard liked some of the stuff Dee had. He check them out and asked about some of them. Dee is able to get them done quickly unlike Howard. Robin said that Howard has been talking about getting one for 5 years.
Howard said that he'd like to be put out while he's getting it done. Dee said that it's not so bad if you tell yourself that. Fred played a bunch of Billy West crying clips while they talked about that. Dee told Howard to try the tattoo gun without any ink in it to see if he can take the pain. Howard imagined what that would be like. He said he should take the E! crew with him when he gets it done. Howard said he might bring Amy Lynn with him to consult. Howard said he could pretend that it doesn't hurt while she's in the room and then break down. Fred played more of those Billy West crying clips.
Howard said he wants to do the tattoo thing. He asked Dee what he sees on his arm. Dee went with him when he got his ear pierced. Howard said he was there at the FOX show when he brought a piercer on the show. Howard's mother stood up and told him not to do it. He got it done a few months later.
Dee told Howard he sees him with a heart on his arm and maybe some flames. Howard said maybe a little flame. He said he saw a cool Japanese letter on one guy recently. He said that was kind of cool too. Dee asked when he wants to go. Howard said he doesn't know. Dee told him not to let people tell him what to get. He said he'll get too much consulting. Robin has a tattoo on her breast and Robin doesn't tell what it means. Howard said he heard it means ''King of Talk'' or something. Robin said that's not it. They went to another break after that.
Howard said that they can hold this big contest and it will happen soon. Howard wondered where she got the idea they were doing this. Howard checked out her pictures and then had her come in. She's a lifeguard so Howard said she's Baywatch material. Howard said she's really hot. Dee asked who this guy was talking to her. Howard said it's not like Dee doesn't think about other chicks. Howard checked out her legs and ass and asked if she has a boyfriend. She said she does sometimes. Howard found out that she's shaved down below and said he has to make love to her. He found out she's 23 years old. He said that she just won the contest. Then he said that she has to wear a bathing suit and do a talent thing.
Howard asked how she found out they were having a contest. She said her friends told her about it. Howard asked if she's attracted to him. She said she is and she's a big fan. She said that she didn't come up for the previous contest because she figured she was too young. Howard said that Dee must want to sample a little of that. Dee loves his wife and isn't interested in that.
Howard said that Dee isn't even looking at this girl. He was staring at Howard. Dee said he was being cool. Howard said that they had to get to the news but he wanted to check this girl out. She wasn't wearing any underwear so Howard asked how she was going to show him her body. She didn't know. She said she would dance for him though. She wanted to dance to some Van Morrison. Howard said that was a weird request. Howard had some hip hop stuff they can play that they can actually put on E!. Robin asked if her friends were partying when they told her about this competition.
Howard asked the girl if she strips at all. She doesn't. She wasn't going to get topless for them either. Howard said that the last Miss Howard Stern dumped her whole family. He said that's how dedicated you have to be. Howard said he would take a break and then get to Robin's news. They went to break after that.
After the break Howard explained how this girl just showed up to audition for Miss Howard Stern. Gary said that the girl got changed and put butter all over her body so she'd be greased up. Howard said that she looked super. Howard said she's like a real chick. Howard said that this girl would never give him the time of day usually.
Howard had the girl dance for them. She had to dance to the song that they have clearance for on the E! show. Howard said that they should have her dance during the news and just keep her in there the whole time. He said they can break a record for dancing or something.
Gary gave Howard a camera to take some shots. Howard had her posing for him. He said he didn't get her face yet after a few shots.
Howard asked if she was high. She said she wasn't. Howard asked where she learned to dance, the Fred Astaire school? She said she goes to a lot of weddings. Howard asked if she was ever molested as a child. She said she wasn't. Howard asked when she started having sex. She said she was 18. She's never done a girl and she said she probably wouldn't want to do one. Gary said she was telling him that she wishes she had a drink before dancing. Gary didn't have anything for her. Howard told him to have a bottle of Jaeger in his office for people who want to dance. The woman said she likes to have wine. Jackie said they had a bottle of vodka out there at some point. Howard told her to come back and have vodka some other time.
Howard asked the girl a couple of questions and then Gary came in with some Champagne. Howard said he wants to see her dance drunk. He said she'll probably marry some uptight dude some day. She drank a bunch of champagne and said it was actually pretty good. Howard told her to chug it down. Howard asked her some more questions about having orgasms and stuff like that. She said that she has a bunch at a time. Howard asked if she does everything to a guy. She said that she doesn't mind using her mouth. She said she likes it with the person she's with.
Howard said these are the questions he has for her in the contest. She told Howard that she was a Hooter's girl so that might give her more points. Howard said he actually deducts points for that. She said she was just kidding then. She drank more of her champagne and then Howard asked if she likes bananas. She said she does so Howard told Gary to get her one. Howard said it looks like something he'd like to see her eating.
Gary brought in a strawberry for her to eat. She ate that and then the banana. Howard said she might throw up. He asked if they could punch her in the stomach until she throws up. She was eating the banana and Howard asked if she could put it in and out. She said she's not good at that.
Howard asked if she was feeling drunk yet. She said she had a little buzz. Howard wanted her to dance again so they played her some ''Psychedelic Bee.'' He said he had to see her dance to that. Howard had that Van Morrison song she wanted to hear too. Howard said she was coming alive now. Howard said he sees Dee looking at her now. Howard said that everyone was afraid to dance in there. He told Gary to get in there and dance. He said they must all be afraid of their wives. Howard told everyone to get in there. Gary said he was more afraid of looking like a homo dancing.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to this girl and told her they'd keep her on file. Her name was Lisa. Howard finally said it at the end of the audition. Howard let her go after that. He said she just showed up out of the blue.
After the break Howard gave Dee Snider some plugs for his upcoming shows. He hadn't performed in 10 years so he was back out on the road doing that. Howard said he got a band together and they'll be doing Twisted Sister songs. The band isn't Twisted Sister though. They were going out as SMS.
Howard said he got a lot of faxes about Jerry Garcia. Howard said that they were upset with what they were saying about all of that. He read a bunch of those faxes and the faxes the station was getting about Jerry's death. Howard said that everyone was working the band's titles into their faxes too. Dee said that Jerry lived his life to the fullest and he probably didn't mind if he died young.
Gary had a fax from a fan who was naming kids after the band and their songs. Howard goofed on that and some of the other faxes they got. Howard and Dee took turns reading the sad faxes as Fred played some sad music in the background. They were goofing on all of the faxes.
Robin got back to her news and read a few various stories about Newt Gingrich and his family values stuff. Someone came out saying he had an affair. They spent time talking about that story for a few minutes. Robin had a clip of Newt being asked if he had read the article. Newt said he wouldn't read it.
Robin said she saw that Max Kinkle went nuts when he heard about Sylvester Stallone's latest movie deal. Robin said Max was going crazy over that talking about how Stallone stole the name ''Rambo'' off the wall in Washington DC and that he was a draft dodger. Howard said he just says nice things to Max when he sees him. He doesn't want to upset him in any way. Robin said that she does the same thing and when he asked her if it was okay to walk through her studio she said it was fine. She said that he was asking her questions in the back office and she was just going along with it and telling him it was okay. Howard said you never know the right answer for him. They spent a few minutes on that subject talking about Max.
Howard said he has to talk to Max in the morning. Gary had some other subjects for them to talk about tomorrow. He told Howard about some of the stuff that he's complained about. Howard had Gary taking notes for the discussion in the morning. Howard said he's not comfortable talking about Max. He said he likes the guy and he's not sure about everyone else there.
Mike Gange came in and said that Max and one of the guys at E! talk about military equipment all of the time. Howard said someone told him that Max has a plate in each side of his head. Jackie got a laugh out of that.
Robin got back to her news and read about how Mickey Mantle wasn't doing very well. They talked about his cancer and said that he's still fighting.
Robin read about the OJ Simpson trial and how a medical examiner from New York was going to be testifying.
Robin read about Timothy Mcvey and what's going on with him. Howard said he's swimming in Jerry Garcia faxes.
Robin went through a few more stories about the rise in tobacco smoking. Howard said that we roll the best cigarettes here and it's going to kill the industry if they don't get kids to smoke. Robin had some audio of President Clinton talking about how they need to cut back on smoking. Howard said he smoked 2 packs a day when he was in high school. It gave him more confidence.
Robin read a few more stories about things like Mayor Dinkins heart problems and a guy who disappeared while covering the OJ Simpson case. Robin said that they found his car. Howard said that there are a lot of lost people and he had no idea who this guy even was. They spent a little time talking about that story. Robin had some news about how VH1 and MTV were going to be Jerry Garcia tributes. They wrapped up the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how Scott the Engineer had come in and got him going before the show. He said that Scott must have to spend the weekend getting yelled at so he has to make him miserable as well. He explained how they have a digital workstation there and everyone must have been in a coma when they got it. He wanted to make the whole thing work but now he has to go to Tom and tell him what he wants to do because the engineers don't want to help him do what he wants to do.
Howard said he knows that it's possible for them to do what he wants them to do but they don't want to work with him. He said that this workstation doesn't do a very minimal task. He said they should be able to hand him a floppy disk of a sound that they play through the workstation but they claim they can't do that. He said he now has to talk to 27 people to get him what he wants. All he wanted to do was get some sound effects for his computer so he can play them on the show.
Tom Chiusano came in and tried to help by saying that they would get what they need but Howard wanted it done already. Tom said that he will talk to Richie the Engineer and see what can be done. Howard let him go but Tom came back in a short time later since Howard was still talking about him. Tom said he had to come back in and defend himself after the attack on him. Howard told him it was fine, but he had to take a break.
Howard continued to talk about the discussions he had with Scott yesterday and how he was saying his boss won't let him get what he needs to make everything work right. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard told Robin he laid down on Saturday night to watch the Larry Sanders tape. He said he's given Mike Gange a job to tape all of the shows he wants to watch. If he wants to see something he has Gange take care of that and tape shows that he wants to see. He pays him to do that.
Howard said he turned to his wife on Saturday night and told her that he wanted to watch that show. She then told him that Gange told her that he had given it to Ralph. Howard wondered why Ralph would have it. His wife told him that Gange felt bad for Ralph so he gave him the tape and Ralph would bring it in on Monday.
Howard said he got really pissed when he found all of that out. He said Gange shouldn't have given it to Ralph without checking with his assistant Laura first. Ralph came in to tell him his side of the story but Howard kicked him out.
Howard said he has a solution to all of this and he would give that to Robin in a minute. He told her to sit back and listen to this. He said that Gange gave the tape to Ralph and told him to get it to him on Monday. He said that this guy Gange should be getting smart by now but he's just slow and dim witted.
Howard said he had to get an explanation from Gange about why he would do such a thing to him. He said that Gange basically stole from him and he doesn't understand what he did. He said that Mike things that what he did was up to him when it really wasn't.
Howard said he called Mike on Saturday night and asked him where his tape was. Gange explained what he had done so Howard went off on him and asked why he would do such a thing. Gange came walking in around that time so Howard said that it's time for him to go out and work for someone else. He said that this is not an internship and he needs to use common sense.
Howard said that Ralph is one problem but Gange is a facilitator and he had no right to give away that tape. Gange said he doesn't give a S about that tape so he didn't care if Ralph had it or not. Gange said he thought that Ralph had the right to ask for such a thing from him. He claims that he told Ralph to make sure it was okay with Howard before he took the tape. He assumed that he had done that.
Howard had Ralph come back in and asked him what was going on with him. He said that it wasn't his tape to take so he had no right to do that. Gange said he assumed that Howard would let him give the tape to Ralph if he okayed it with him.
Howard told Gange that he's a dim wit and he was duped by Ralph. He also went off on Ralph about having that tape for three days when he had no right to it. Ralph said he told Gange that he should put all of the shows on one tape and he would set Howard up with a tape that he could watch. Gange said he's trying to be a nice guy to everyone. Howard told him not to bother coming to his house anymore. He said he's done with that job now.
Robin didn't think that Ralph was upset about what he had just done to Gange. Ralph said she doesn't know how he feels about anything. Howard said that Gange got so upset with him that he complained that it was on the verge of harassment. He told Gange that he is not to give anyone anything of his. He said it makes him crazy when things leave his house that he doesn't know about.
Howard continued to go off on Gange and Gange tried to defend himself saying that Ralph duped him. Ralph said he didn't dupe him, he didn't know that Howard hadn't seen that tape yet. Gange said he told Ralph that Howard hadn't seen it yet but Ralph claims he never did.
Howard told Gange that he's now relieved of his duties and doesn't have to come over to his house anymore. Gange said he gets what he did but Howard didn't think he did. He said he doesn't trust him with his stuff anymore.
Howard said Gange didn't like coming out to his house anyway so this should make him happy. Gange said he's not happy over that, he likes his job. Howard said he's told him that he would like his hours to slow down so now he can go and relax. Ralph pointed out that Gange keeps moving farther and farther away from Howard's house too so he must not want that job. Howard said that Gange should go work for his father like his brothers do.
Howard told Gange he could go but he was standing there speechless. He told Robin that he's obviously not into his job and he is a little dim witted. He also said that Gange has asked for less hours so now it's time to say goodbye.
Gange and Ralph argued a little more about their problems with each other. Howard told Gange that he does have his E! job to go to so he shouldn't worry about losing this job. He said he could train someone to replace him in 10 minutes so it's no big loss. He told Gange to go to the beach today instead of coming out to his place. He said he's already hired a monkey to replace him. Gange cracked a joke about it being Gary so Howard told him not to goof on Gary.
Howard continued to complain about what Gange did to him for a while after letting him leave the studio. Robin was piling on top of him and Ralph as well. Howard said he told his assistant Laura that Gange was basically telling them that he couldn't handle the job. He was supposed to have checked with her before doing anything like that.
Fred got in on the goofing when he started doing his impression of Gange interviewing guests in the green room. Howard said that whole thing made him nuts over the weekend. Robin said that she feels that something really bad happened here and Gange didn't realize he was jeopardizing his job with that mistake he made. Howard said that Gange is now fired from that job and he's no longer coming to his house. This is not like all the times that he's fired Gary. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Jaid looked unreal in her Playboy layout. Gary asked Howard if he wanted to talk about this Mancow guy. Howard continued to talk about Jaid for a short time and said that he's hoping that she gets naked for them today. He spent a short time wondering about what went down between Jaid and her daughter Drew. He said it must have been pretty crazy.
Howard mentioned that this guy Mancow from Chicago returned to the air waves and mentioned his name on the air saying that people were taking advantage of his unfortunate situation. Howard figures they were trying to take the high road over there and tried not to mention his name. Gary said that Mancow was talking about his dad a lot on the air.
howard said he heard that Mancow was on the air this morning talking about how he had never heard of Howard Stern because of where he had grown up. Howard said the guy is probably talking in that loud voice of his. He also said that he was banging on teh microphone trying to get his point across, just like he does when he gets angry. Howard also mentioned that this guy Turd was going to come over and crap in their station's lobby or something.
Howard siad that this guy Larry Wert is really pissed that he wished cancer upon him. Howard said the guy is a scumbag and a nut job and he's not nuts for wishing that upon him. Howard said this guy Mancow is also nuts claimign that he's never heard of him wehn he's doing the same stuff he used to do in his interviews. Gary asked if he wanted to call the guy. Howard told him to do call him adn see if the guy has the balls to come on the air and confront him.
Howard told Gary what to say and listened in as Gary was making the call. Gary was put on hold for a little while. He waited for someone to get on the phone while Howard continued to goof on the guy. Howard said this guy sends him all of this stuff in the mail but he apparently doesn't have the balls to come on the air with him. Gary had Mancow on the phone so he tried to convince him to get on the air. Mancow agreed to it so Howard put him on the air a short time later.
Howard told Mancow that he didn't have to be so upset about losing his father. Mancow said he couldn't do this right then because he wasn't on the air himself. Mancow then got on the air and said that people in Chicago hate people from New York but Howard doesn't realize that. Howard and Mancow then went back and forth with each other talking over each other and trying to control what was going out over the air.
Howard told Mancow that he was his bitch and he sent him a pink dress because he's such a pussy. Mancow tried to talk but Howard wasn't letting him get in a word and Mancow wasn't letting Howard get a word out on his show. Mancow's people were cheering for him as he attempted to bitch slap Howard verbally. He wasn't listening to a word Howard was saying and Howard wasn't listening to him either.
Howard told Mancow to continue drowning him out with sound effects. Howard said his dead daddy doesn't feel bad because his real daddy is there now. Mancow ended up hanging up on him as he was yelling at him. Howard said he hopes his show dies and Chicago gives them all the ratings.
Robin was still going off on the guy saying that she would kick his ass herself. She was pissed that he was calling her ''Aunt Tom'' while he was on with them. Gary said that Mancow didn't want to be embarrassed so he didn't let any of his words out on the air. All they heard was Mancow yelling at Howard and nothing else.
Billy West was doing his impression of Mancow going off on Howard. Howard said that if Mancow's guy Turd shows up to their station in Chicago, they should just throw him out a window. Howard said he knew that he wasn't on the air with Mancow.
Howard had some audio of Mancow talking about his show during an interview and claiming that he's always honest on his show and that's why people love him. Howard said he's just a dick and he can't wait to hold his funeral. He doesn't know what kind of bit that guy is trying to do. Howard said he's got to get out of this industry because now he's battling his imitators.
Howard took a call from a guy who changed subjects to OJ Simpson. That led to Howard talking about how Johnny Cochran was out yelling about freeing OJ. They had people cheering for a murderer to be released. Howard said he doesn't get that at all. He said he can't imagine that the jury will find him guilty though. He said he sees the evidence that he is guilty but the jury won't find that he is. Howard said that OJ could confess to the murders and the jury would still find him innocent. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said it doesn't matter where a radio show comes from just like it doesn't matter where a TV show comes from. He said it was time to get off of that track because Jaid Barrymore was there.
Howard said that Jaid claims to be talking to her daughter Drew again. He said that she's in Playboy and looks really good. He said she's showing everything in her layout too. He asked Robin what kind of bra she was wearing because it looked like it was only half a bra. Robin said it looked like she just had the straps tied down and it was a regular bra.
Jaid came in so Howard said that she sent him a love letter saying that he was the best thing in her life next to her daughter Drew. Howard said that she was in there not too long ago and she really liked being on the show. Howard told her that he likes her layout in Playboy and asked her some questions about that. He described a few of her pictures and said she looks really good.
Howard asked Jaid if she was wearing any panties today. He wanted her to show him what she had going on down there. She was wearing a jacket too so Howard asked her what that was all about. She said the last time she was on the show she got a lot of flack for the stuff she talked about. Howard and Robin said that the book she was promoting was about sex so that means nothing. Jaid said that the jacket was her ''credibility jacket'' so people would think of her as a valid author. Howard told her to take it off so that's what she did.
Howard asked Jaid if she has implants. Jaid said they are not implants and you can tell in her pictures because they hang to the side when she's laying down. Howard said she's got nice boobs and they're pretty tight for a 49 year old. She was also nicely groomed down below.
Howard said that Jaid sent him this love letter saying that she was thinking about him sexually. She said that she's got a boyfriend so Howard figures that she was just putting him on with that letter she sent. He asked to see her panties for her to prove that she's serious about him. Jaid went over to him and showed him what she had going on down there. Howard asked to touch her leg so she let him do that as well.
Jaid said she works out like 6 days a week to stay in shape. She also gave Howard some kisses and told him he was like a little boy the way he was acting. He said he wanted to come over to her hotel room to hang out with her after that.
Howard asked Jaid about her daughter and what went wrong with their relationship. He said it seemed like she had become obsessed with her life when she got famous and kind of drove her away. Jaid talked a little bit about that while Howard was grabbing her ass. Jaid said that she failed as a mother and Drew would do anything to stay away from her. She would stay at her friends houses and stuff like that just to avoid her.
Jaid told Howard that she loves kissing his neck and wanted to do it some more. Howard let her do that a little more and said he wanted to have her stay under his console. He told her she needs a work out from him and would love his hands all over her.
Robin said that she would like to hear Jaid's story about Drew, not Howard talking to her that way. Jaid said that she and Drew have reconciled and she was thrilled with her appearance on Howard's show the last time. Howard asked Jaid where she met her daughter and if she cried when she met her.
Howard said that if he was with Jaid he would put her in a bath and clean her first. He'd wash her down then he'd get her on the bed and she wouldn't even see his face for an hour. He would spend that time pleasuring her. after she said she couldn't take anymore he would keep going. Then he would wait until she was aching for a man and give it to her really slow. He said he would be very tender with her though. Then he would chop her head off because he'd be afraid that she'd tell his wife.
Howard said he would start all over again after doing her once. He said that he loves the foreplay and could please her like she's never been pleased. He said he would tease her a lot and he'd have her wriggling around a lot in his bed. He said all they have to do is get rid of his wife and they could be together.
Howard said he thinks he was born with this knowledge of how to please a woman. He's naturally sensual. He got back to her story about Drew after that and wanted to know how they got back together. Jaid said they wrote for a while, then they started talking on the phone. After that they figured it was time to meet so they went to a restaurant. Jaid said that she and Drew were together for 5 or 6 hours. Drew paid for the food they had but it was mostly just chips and drinks.
Howard started to rub Jaid's butt during that discussion. He asked her if she liked that. She said she didn't wear any stockings this time because that's what she did the last time she was on. She got back to her story and told Robin more about what went on with Drew when they met. She said that she and Drew laughed and cried together and had a good time.
Howard told Jaid that he thinks someone spilled some Elmers Glue on his leg, he wasn't sure what happened. He told Jaid that she looked really good in Playboy and pointed out some of his favorite pictures. He asked her if she's ever had any lesbian experiences. She said she already told him about some of those the last time she was on.
Jaid said that she's got some job offers out there and one of them is to have her own column in Playboy. Howard told Jaid he wanted to get through this interview so he got back to the Drew story. He wondered what exactly had gone on at that meeting. She told Howard that the meeting took place about a month after she was on with Howard because Drew had heard the interview. She said that they haven't seen each other since then but they've both been busy. She said they are going to meet again soon.
Jaid said she told Drew about her Playboy layout and that really surprised her at first. She eventually congratulated her on the whole thing though. Howard told Jaid he had to wrap up. He said that maybe Drew will do the show sometime but she's been doing some real clunker movies lately. He asked Jaid what cup size she is and told her that he likes what he sees.
Howard told Jaid he thinks she's a dirty girl. He said that Robin likes to get smacked around a bit. He wrapped up and asked Jaid if she wanted to show him anything else before she left. She let him take a whiff of her perfume before she left. He told her she did smell good and then wrapped up and went to break.
Jackie went over and took a whiff and said that she's a nice lady. Howard asked the guys if they wanted to smell his leg. Billy said he could smell it from where he was sitting. Fred went over and took a smell but Robin didn't want to do it.
Howard said that he thinks Jaid was getting excited sitting on his leg. He said that he was telling Jaid that what she had dripping down there was ''Oojamain'' which is ''nature's honey'' for a woman. Robin told the guys they were all gay for bending down and smelling Howard's leg. Howard said that wasn't gay at all, it's only gay when they smell his leg and he hasn't had a woman on there.
Howard had Robin tell a story about something she had read in a tabloid magazine. She said they went to some psychic friends network fans and one of them was Wolfman Jack who had just passed away. She said they should have warned him that he was going to die.
Howard asked Robin how old she is. She just turned 43 so Howard told her she doesn't look it. Robin was still upset that Howard didn't get her a gift. Howard insisted that he had but she said it wasn't from him. Howard said that she's getting tickets and a night out on the town from his family. Howard told her she was insane and wondered how many times she had been 43 years old.
Howard had some crazy ideas for this bit so Robin told him he was nuts. He was giving the plot of this movie but stopped himself saying that he's not sure if he should continue. He got right back into the description. He was laughing at the idea of the whole thing. He had OJ using Nicole and Ron as his ''Bernie'' with his buddy AC helping him make it seem like Nicole and Ron are still alive.
The caller Howard had on the line wanted to try and Stump the Joke Man but Howard ignored his request and continued to tell his ideas for this bit he was coming up with. He said he wanted to make a whole movie out of this idea, not just a bit. He said it was going to be an hour and a half long movie. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard that they've had many offers to put up money for something like this. One of those guys was on the phone.
Howard took the call from this guy Frank who said he would like to do this right to video and he thinks that Howard should just go ahead and do it. Howard didn't want to give the guy any percentage of the money they make from this thing. He let him go a short time later.
Howard said he called his agent about this movie and he told him he was crazy. Howard thinks his agent just doesn't understand. Howard said that at one point OJ goes to get some punch and Nicole's head ends up in the punch bowl. He said he was giving away too much describing so much of the movie but he didn't stop. He said that the big joke in the movie is Nicole's head constantly falling off during the movie.
Howard said that in one scene OJ takes Ron and Nicole fishing. Then there's another scene where Ron's glasses keep falling off so OJ has to staple them to his head to keep them on. He said when they go fishing, OJ has to nail Nicole's feet to the bottom of the boat to keep her from falling out. Then OJ ends up killing the captain of the boat so he won't suspect anything was wrong with Nicole and Ron.
Howard continued to give more and more ideas for this movie. He took a call from a guy who said he would buy the video if he put it out. He took some more phone calls and asked people if they would like to see it. The fans seemed interested in seeing the movie.
Howard said that in the end OJ is discovered but he gets a black jury and they let him off... So there's a happy ending in the movie. He said that was all pre-production stuff. Robin said she doesn't think this will ever get made, but if he does make it, they should wait until OJ gets off. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard asked how Gange was doing after he fired him earlier in the morning. Robin said he wasn't asking for his job back so maybe he was fine. Howard asked Gange to come in so he could talk to him. He figured Gange was happy since it did seem like he wanted to be out of that job.
Gange came in and said that he is happy but he was being sarcastic. He said he did want that job to go away eventually but not right now. Howard said he was complaining about it 6 months ago so why not accept it now. Gary came in and said that Gange is pretty much glad it's done but he's also upset that he's letting Howard down, he wanted to see the whole thing through.
Howard told Gange not to feel bad about it, it was time for him to go anyway. Gange said he works a lot of hours and it was kind of tough. Howard figures that he's giving Gange what he wants but Gange said it's not exactly what he wanted.
Gange said he was getting the vibe that Howard was angry but Howard told him he's not angry at all. Howard told him that he's free now and he can go do whatever he wants now. He can't keep him in his womb anymore, it's time to give birth to this guy Gange. He told him ''The world is your oyster fatso...'' and insisted that he wasn't mad.
Howard let Gange go and told Robin that was his right hand man that just left. He said that anyone who messes up should just leave and get out of his sight. He's not going to be anyone's whipping boy anymore. Robin said she can't wait for Gary to screw up again then. She asked if any offense will get someone fired. Howard said that is the case and he will fire anyone who screws up. He asked her to start her news after that.
After taking a break Howard came back and talked about how he would like to see MTV come out with a 24 hour a day dance channel. He loves watching the dance shows on that channel. He said that they could have shows for different age groups but they have to keep them under the age of 30.
Robin told Howard that she is really bothered by something and she wasn't sure if she should bring it up on the air. She wondered if she could say how she feels and not have it go any further. Howard told her to go ahead and do it. Robin said that she doesn't want to discuss it off the air so she asked Howard to keep it on the air.
Robin told Howard that she hasn't observed her birthday and she's kind of upset about that because she has done so many things for him in the past. She said that she wants to end any fake observance of her birthday now and just drop it.
Howard told Robin that it's not her place to tell someone what her birthday gift is or isn't. He said this shows that she is not cured. He said that he and his wife picked out her gift and that's what happened. Robin isn't happy with that and doesn't think Howard had anything to do with the gift. Howard said that Robin has some nerve telling him she's not happy with the gift. He said that's the gift he was going to give her and if she doesn't want it, he'll take it back.
Howard told Robin there's no difference if he hands her a gift he bought or of his wife bought it. He paid for it, it's from him. Robin still didn't think that he had put any thought into it. Howard said that he once picked out some jewelry for her and she didn't like that either. He told her it was too late now, she's not getting her Cookie Puss ice cream cake.
Howard said that Robin should ask people close to her if those thoughts of hers are healthy. He said that it's really rude to comment on a gift that way. Robin said that this was on her mind all day long and she had to talk about it. She said she's not angry, she just didn't think the gift was thoughtful. Howard said this is some way to thank him on her birthday.
Howard was going to get her something today and give it to her tomorrow but she didn't want him doing that either. Howard was going to take some phone calls but mumbled ''anti-semite'' under his breath. Robin said that wasn't very nice, she's not anti-semitic. She told Howard that if someone confronted her about something like that, she wouldn't call them names and make fun of them like that. Robin realized that she can't discuss things with Howard like she thought she could.
Howard wanted to get some other opinions about this situation but Robin said she doesn't respect Tom Chiusano enough to take his advice. Gary came in and asked Robin if she was for real. She insisted that she was. Howard said he did the best he could with the gift and really put some thought into it. Robin didn't agree. Gary said that some callers are agreeing with Robin and saying that he pawned off the gift giving to his wife.
Gary said that other people on the show didn't even remember it was Robin's birthday today. Howard always remembers. Robin told Howard that if it was a bother to him, he shouldn't get her anything. Howard said he never said it was a bother.
Howard told Robin to give up her gift and he'll go find something else for her. She said she didn't want to do that but said that Howard has not observed her birthday the way she observes his birthday. Robin wouldn't back down and kept going off on him for his lack of thought.
Gary said that some callers think that Robin is going through the change of life so that's why she's acting the way she is. Howard said he's done talking about this and he has plenty to do today so he wanted to move on. Robin wasn't quite done and continued to go off on him.
Fred tried playing Robin's news theme music to get her back into the news but she was still talking about the gift. She told Howard that this was her payback for what he did to her with Clarence Clemens. Howard asked Billy a question during that discussion but he asked not to be brought into the argument.
Robin got back to her news and pretended that nothing had happened. Howard said he promised that he would do better at Christmas time. Howard mentioned that this guy Bobby who was working with Kato Kaelin turns out to be this guy who won a song parody contest they held when they were out in Los Angeles. He said the guy went out there to L.A. with them and ended up staying out there. Howard played his song parody but it was really bad and both he and Robin wondered how he could have won.
The gift thing came up again late in the show when Howard was going off on Martin Sheen for some comments he made about the dropping of the bomb on Hiroshima. He couldn't quite get over that fight that he and Robin had just had. Robin finished up her news so Howard and the guys sang ''Happy Birthday'' to her quickly. Robin said that Fred had sent her a card but it was something that he had scribbled on a piece of white paper. Fred said he did come up with that on his own though.
Howard gave Robin a plug for her book ''Quivers, A Life'' and then ended the show around 9:55am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show talking about how he wasn't on the show yesterday but OJ Simpson is now free. He was actually singing that stuff to the opening theme song. He said this was the first he had seen of Robin in three days. She said that's because he took the day off yesterday. Robin said it was because of his holiday that he was off.
Robin said that she wasn't able to do anything yesterday because she was sick. Howard said she looked better than she's looked in weeks now that she's had a day off.
Howard said that he had a lot of OJ stuff to talk about today. Robin told Howard that Johnny Cochran's closing arguments weren't written by him, they were written by a white man and that was the worst part of the whole thing. Howard went on to say he has no ill will toward Johnny Cochran, he was just doing his job. He said he blames the jury for letting OJ go when everyone can see he was guilty.
Howard said that one out of every 3 black men is involved with the judicial system according to an article he read. He said that when you have something like that going on, your life definitely revolves around the police. He and Robin talked about how the cops can't even do anything because there are two different societies out there. Howard said if you believe that all cops are racist, every one of them, don't you think that they'd hate Jews as well? He said that there aren't one out of three Jews involved in the judicial system. Robin said that there's a whole community out there that's overrun with crime.
Howard suggested that they think that Mark Furman did set OJ up... but it was still OJs blood that was all over the place. Robin wondered how they could figure out how to frame someone when they can't even do their own jobs right because they came across as bumbling fools.
Robin said she heard them talking about how there was only one other person they should have been looking at in the case. That person was OJ's son. Howard said that evil has triumphed over good in this case. He said the way they should handle this whole thing is to shun someone like OJ. He said no one is shunning anyone from the case. He said that people like Larry King should be shunned by everyone because he's been putting these people on his show.
Howard claims that if he was at Donald Trump's wedding again, and OJ Simspon showed up, he would walk out and announce why he was doing it. He wouldn't stick around if that guy was there. Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to argue the case with him. Howard wouldn't let him get a word in because he was still talking about how he wouldn't subscribe to any pay-per-view or anything else that guy is involved with.
The caller was trying to argue that white juries aren't able to give a fair verdict but Howard hung up on the guy because he wouldn't let him get a word in. Howard said that Judge Ito dragged that case out for over a year and could have gotten it over with much quicker than he did. He went on to talk about how Gil Garsetti has to hand in his resignation after this whole thing because of the things he was saying about being worried about riots if OJ had been found guilty.
Howard also brought up how there was a senator talking about how he was afraid to comment on the case. Howard said they asked the Pope what he thought about it and he didn't even have an answer. That led to Howard and Robin talking about how bad the Pope was looking these days.
Howard said he heard that OJ was going to be moving to New York City and may be looking in Donald Trump's building. He said he's going to call Trump and ask him to shun OJ and not make it easy for him to get an apartment there. He said he predicts that OJ will be Larry King's 9th wife some day. He said he had to take a break after that.
Howard said he was kind of rough on Larry Wert and he apparently went to some of the advertisers on the station out there and chased them away. He said meanwhile, Larry's guy Mancow was sending him boxes of excrement. He said he was asked to tone down and he said he's spent 20 years not toning down so he wasn't going to start now.
Howard said he settled out his contract with the company out there and they went their separate ways. He was taken off the air and everyone out there was crowing that he couldn't take it and was dropped. Then they were picked up by another station, on AM radio, and they have a good signal there. He said they're back even though everyone was crowing that they were gone.
Howard said he'll go through every station out there if he has to. The next station to pick up the show may be a Black Urban station. Robin was out last week resting her voice so she missed out on all of that.
Howard went off on Gil Garsetti again talking about the riot comments. Howard begged people to shun OJ and walk out of restaurants, walk to the other side of the street when you see him, just avoid the guy. He also said that Christopher Darden was booed at his church and he doesn't deserve that. He said that's a load of crap when they claim that he's an Uncle Tom.
Howard continued to talk about how OJ should be shunned because that's what the Amish do when they find someone guilty of something. He took a phone call from a guy who asked if Howard had seen OJ's face when the verdict was read. Howard said he would have Ron Goldman's father on the show to vent about OJ if he wants. He feels for that family after seeing what went on in that case.
Howard kept talking about shunning everyone who has supported OJ in this case. He was hoping that they'd shun Larry King and mentioned his name a few times during the discussion. He and Robin were still talking about the details of the case and how obvious to them it was that OJ was guilty. They talked about the blood evidence and said that there's no way it could have been a set-up. Howard said he can't talk about anything else because the case was so interesting.
Howard said they're going to be welcoming two new cities to their little network this morning. He said Norfolk and Richmond have joined and they will be having a press conference about that. Gary came in and gave Howard the details for the stations that they were on. Howard said they've been on for the past week or so. Gary also gave out the info for the AM station they're on in Chicago.
Gary told Howard that Captain Janks was there and made a great prank call to Max Kinkel. Howard said he can't wait to hear that. That led to Howard talking about how Fred and Max got into an argument this morning about the OJ case. Fred said he was trying to have a conversation with Max but Max kept talking over him so he couldn't get a word in. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard explained who Janks was and how he had made a prank call to Max Kinkel last night. Max had accepted a reverse charge call from Janks and didn't even know he had done it. Max and Janks went back and forth arguing about whether or not Max believed the story Janks told him. Max said he got the call on a private line so he would believe it. He thought he was hearing from Jackie's manager Rory Rosegarten who told him that Jackie had a heart attack.
Howard spent a short time talking to Max about the OJ Simpson case and the argument he was having with Fred earlier in the morning. Max said he doesn't think OJ did it and they should have thrown the case out. Howard asked him if he was black. Max joked that he is black and his parents must not have never told him.
Howard asked Max if he wanted to hear his phony phone call. Max said he knew what was on it so he didn't have to hear it. Howard put him on hold so he could listen to it that way. Howard was going to play the call but Janks talked about how he didn't have time to do any other calls before he came in this morning.
Howard played the call where Janks tells Max that Jackie suffered a massive heart attack and was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead at 1 in the morning. Max thought he might be pulling a prank on him but Janks tried to convince him that he was serious. Janks told Max that Howard wouldn't be in the next morning but Howard interrupted and said that he would probably do the show if Jackie really died. He said it would be a great show.
Max was shocked by the news that Jackie was dead. Janks kept it going too. Howard picked up the phone on Max and told him the call was pretty funny. He talked to him for a few seconds and then got back to the call. Janks tells Max that Jackie was only 48 years old and that's how old Max was. Janks started to say things that made Max suspicious so he asked ''Rory'' what his last name was. Janks told him it was ''Jones'' since he didn't really know what the last name was.
Max and Janks talked for a few minutes. Max thought that it was a serious call and said the news was terrible. Janks thanked him for his help and got off the phone. Janks never told Max that he was joking either. Jackie said he walked in this morning and Max looked at him like he was really shocked. Max said something to him about the call he got last night and he didn't know exactly what he had gone through the night before. Max told Janks he wants to see him tomorrow. Janks told him he'd kick his ass but Howard had already hung up on him.
Gary came in and showed Howard the phone bill that Janks' room mate had showed him. The bill was over $1,000. He also noticed that there were some 900 numbers on the bill and they cost him $50 each. Janks explained that he had put his own messages on the numbers and he had to try calling them until he could break their codes.
Howard asked Janks about working in a gas station and how much he can make doing that. Janks said he can bring in about 8 bucks an hour with tips included. He said he gets tips when he cleans windows and stuff.
Janks said that he's going to be making an appearance where he does a Howard Stern Trivia contest. He'll have all of the questions written down for that. Howard congratulated him on everything he's doing and asked him if he wanted to get in any plugs. Janks didn't want to say where he works so he didn't have any plugs to give. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had a press conference to do so he moved on to that. He mentioned they have two new stations in Norfolk and Richmond. He then heard from some of the people who were waiting to interview him via some special hook up. The guy who got on the line spent a couple of minutes explaining who he was. Howard thought he sounded kind of boring. The guy said he does some on-air work so Howard figured they must call him ''android man'' because of his robotic like delivery.
Howard said that the national symbol in Virginia is a black man with a rope around his neck which didn't go over that well with the Virginians. He then said that he loves the state of Virginia because it's as close to Vagina as possible. He also said that their motto is ''Virginia, the hairy state...'' and Robin asked them about their Busch Gardens theme park. They made a lot of vagina references during that. Howard also said a lot of people down there keep clothes pins on their noses because it stinks down there.
Howard went into a speech telling everyone what he expects to happen. There was a lot of echo so he said he felt like Kennedy giving a speech or something. He also said it sounds like he's inside a vagina or something. Howard then took some questions from individual reporters. The first person was a woman who said people's heads were exploding all over Richmond now that Howard is there. She used to be a fan up in the Philadelphia area and she's been waiting 3 years to hear him there in Richmond. Howard found out that the paper this woman works for was free.
The woman asked Howard some questions but he as questioning her just as much as she was questioning him. He was asking her about shaving down below her Mason Dixon Line and asked if she was wearing a bra and what cup size she was. She didn't want to get into that many details though. When she refused to answer, he said he was going to move on to the next reporter. She joked that it was a DD. Howard let her ask a few more questions before he moved on to the next person.
Howard was introduced to the next reporter who asked a few questions. One of them was about him being the anti-Christ so Howard said he doesn't believe he is and he's a very religious man. The reporter said that they had taken a poll about Howard and a lot of people said he was anything but the anti-Christ. Howard said he had just gotten done telling him that he's not the anti-Christ. The reporter asked Howard what he thinks about people saying that their kids shouldn't be listening. Howard said if they don't want their kids listening, they should keep an eye on their kids and not let them listen.
Howard moved on to the next reporter who asked him if he ever gets tired of himself. Howard said he absolutely gets sick of himself. He said that America is in love with him though so this is how he makes a living. He said that even when he's being boring he's interesting to people. He figured that this reporter was going to write a negative article about him. He could tell from the way he questioned him that he was going to write a negative article.
The next reporter's name was Bruce but it was a woman so Howard spent a few minutes trying to figure that out. He asked her if she was Polish or something. She said she's not. Howard asked the guys to describe what she looked like because he heard she was good looking. Howard made a noise as if he was whacking off as she described herself. She didn't seem to notice that.
Howard let Bruce ask some questions and she asked about his upcoming book. Howard spent a short time talking about how great his book was going to be. He said it is a stunning work of art and it'll be very revealing. He said he will be making a film announcement within the next two weeks so they'll have to tune in to find out about that.
The program Director said that they have an announcement to make about a death threat they got for Howard and for some of the people who work there at the station. one of the DJs got on and said that another station across town talked about how awful Howard's show was and how they wanted them dead over there at the station. Howard said that they'll be gone soon enough because he always wins when he goes into a market. Howard also said he's not afraid of the death threats because if anyone gets killed, it'll probably be this DJ. He wrapped up the press conference a short time later. He was told they had some listeners who wanted to ask questions but Howard wasn't going to do that, he just wanted to talk to the press.
Howard said he knows they're going to get a lot of negative press like they do all the time. He and Robin spent a short time talking about the press conference and more about OJ Simpson as well. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Gary to help Mr. Berle sit in the chair. Milton said he didn't need any help and told them to let him be. Howard told him that the Pope had fallen recently so he didn't want him to have the same type of incident. Howard told him to sit down but he was still resisting. Howard said he's an icon and they really have to take care of him. He said he probably can't fall down because he's like a tri-pod with that big penis if his.
Milton told Howard that he was listening to the press conference earlier and he really didn't have anything to say. He said he thought he was trying hard but it wasn't going over very well. Howard said that Milton comes in and tries to take over his show but he really can't do that.
Howard asked Milton a question but wouldn't let him answer without asking other stuff. Milton wanted to talk about what the difference between a comic and a comedian was. He defined them but Howard moved on and asked him why he thinks that so many old-time comedians don't like him. Milton didn't really have an answer for him.
Milton seemed to be bothered by some of the questions Howard was asking about his age so he told him he's never hit a queer before. Howard and the guys got a laugh out of that. Howard asked Milton if he still satisfies his wife and is able to perform at his age. Milton said he shouldn't be asking him stuff like that. Howard just wanted to know if he can still do stuff when he gets that old.
Howard asked Milton if he has a penis pump or anything like that. Milton said he doesn't need one. He said he just turned 88 years old though. He said he was talking to George Burns and told him he was going on the show. He said that Burns never misses the show... but he never sees it either.
Milton threatened to walk out if Howard kept doing these non-sequiturs with him. He said that he was going to walk out and into Robin's booth. He didn't want to comment on the OJ Simpson case because he didn't watch the whole trial and doesn't know what the jurors saw. He tried to talk to Howard and give him some advice on how to talk on the air. He was telling him to speak clearly and slower so people can understand him. Howard told him to just talk about OJ.
Howard asked Milton if he thinks OJ is a comic or a comedian. He had to tell him he was just kidding. Milton said that the whole thing is not funny, it's tragic. Howard figured he was saying that because he has the penis of a black man. Howard told him he had some faxes that people had sent about the OJ case so he was going to ask his advice about them. Milton said he wasn't going to like them because they were about something tragic.
Howard read some of the dopey jokes that people had sent in and Milton just sat there not laughing. He said he would never touch those jokes with a 10 foot pole. Howard asked him who his enemies are in show business. He figured that Jerry Lewis was one but Milton said he didn't have a problem with him.
Howard gave Milton a plug for this exercise tape he had out. Milton wanted to explain it but Howard wouldn't stop talking. Milton told him about the tape which was for seniors. It ranges for people from 60 to 100 years old. Howard asked if there were 100 year old people in the tape. Milton said there was one 100 year old guy in there. The people in the tape are all in Rhythm and they look like the Rockettes because they're so in sync.
Howard wanted to know about all of the women that Uncle Miltie had been with in his life. He wanted to know more about him banging Marilyn Monroe and women like that. Milton said he doesn't kiss and tell so he wasn't going to talk about that. Howard asked him more questions about it anyway. He wondered what it was like when Marilyn walks into the room and takes her clothes off.
Milton said that he learned something when he was in his 20s. He said that there's an expression about groupies who like to be called Star F's (fuckers)... and that they have this pre-conceived notion about what it's going to be like. He said back in those days, like the Marilyn Monroe days, and how he learned that if she wasn't a star, and she wasn't ''Marilyn Monroe,'' you can probably last longer. He said that if you think of her as someone else, you can hold out. He had a whole explanation for how he can hold out longer. Howard wondered if Marilyn got pissed when he called her by another name. He said he never did that but he was told that he shouldn't get so excited about someone like that. He said it's all mental and you can hold out if you don't think about how famous the person is. Milton said that Marilyn was a wonderful woman and he'd like to remember her that way.
Howard got in another plug for Milton's video tape. He didn't do it right according to Milton so he told him how to do it. He said that the tape is for people of all ages, not just old people like Howard was saying. Howard said that Robin would like to aerobic activity but she started over doing it with roller blading and stuff like that. He said that this is what she probably should have been doing, the low impact stuff.
Howard told Milton about how he has a tiny penis and how he gets laughed at when he pulls down his pants. He said he's hung like an elevator button. He doesn't know what it's like to have a woman gasp when she sees his penis like Uncle Miltie does.
Uncle Miltie told a story about how he and Forest Tucker were arguing about who had the bigger penis when someone in the club they were at yelled out ''Uncle Miltie, just pull out enough to win'' as they were talking about comparing sizes.
Howard said that Uncle Miltie is working hard these days. He said Uncle Miltie would be out rock climbing this weekend and almost made him laugh. Milton said he'll be recording an episode of The Nanny next week and he will be playing her uncle. He said it could turn into a recurring role but he's not sure he wants to work a job like that regularly.
Howard told Uncle Miltie that his mother could use this tape to work down her giant ass. He also wondered if Milton had ever banged his mother. He said he's told his mother to get off her ass and do some walking to lose that big ass of hers. He said his father would appreciate that if she did lose some weight back there. He said that ass is full of Yogurt and all kinds of stuff like that. He said he's going to call his mother and tell her about this Uncle Miltie video tape.
Gary told Howard that his mother was on the phone. He got her on the line and she said she didn't want to talk to him. She wanted to talk to Milton but not to Howard. Howard told Milton to tell her to get the tape. Howard's mother said that Howard never talks to her this way when he's with her. He only does it on the air. She said that Howard doesn't have any right to talk about her ass like that.
Howard asked his mother when she last had sex with his dad. She said that she wasn't going to say and it was none of his business. Uncle Miltie said that this is all an act with Howard and it's all for entertainment. He said he knows Howard and he knows he would never speak to his mother like this if he wasn't on the air. Howard told his mother to go work on her ass with this video tape that Milton was promoting. She said she moves herself around plenty and she's going to come over to his house tonight to discuss this with him.
Howard told Milton that he's going to get a copy of this tape and gave him a few more plugs before going to commercial break.
Gary tried calling but the first number he had was disconnected. He tried calling the second number and got someone on the line. He asked for OJ and told the person who he was. They told him he dialed the wrong number. He wasn't able to get through to anyone so Howard told him to try calling the juror phone numbers that someone had sent to them.
Howard said they were going to poll the jury when they called them. He went through the names because he wanted to talk to the white woman who was in the jury. He told Gary to try the juror by the name of Marcia because she might be white. Howard read through the birth dates of each person trying to find the right person. He eventually came across the right one. Gary said that person didn't have a number. Howard told him to go try to find it because he did have the address of that person.
Howard was going to have Robin start her news but he had some tape from Larry King's show where he spoke to OJ after the verdict was revealed. OJ thanked Larry for being ''fair'' to him through the case. He also thanked Johnny Cochran for what he did for him. Howard played the tape and goofed on OJ throughout the clip. OJ was all full of fire talking about all of the stuff they tried saying about him in the trial and how it was all false according to him.
Gary said that he could have Juror number 2's mother on the phone if he wanted. Howard said he would take that. Gary said she needed a few minutes before she'd be able to come on. Howard continued to play the Larry King Show clip but Gary came in and asked Howard to give out the 800 number for the Uncle Miltie video tape. Howard said he didn't know there was a number and apologized to Mr. Berle. He gave him another plug for the video and talked more about his big penis. Howard said he heard that he has a special harness he has to keep his penis in and it's all coiled up like a sausage.
Howard got back to the Larry King clip and continued to goof on him. OJ had to get off the line as he was in the middle of the discussion with Larry. Larry said he knows he'll be making a statement soon and let him go so he could get back to his guests.
Gary came in and told Howard he had Juror number 2's mother on the phone. Howard went to the phone and tried to talk to her but had some phone troubles. He eventually got her on the line and asked her about what she makes of the whole thing. He wondered what she thought herself. She said it doesn't really matter what she thinks. She said they followed the law and that's what counts. She said that's all that counts, that they followed the law. Howard said it would be tough for a black woman to come out and claim that she was the only one who said he was guilty.
The mother said that race never entered the juror's minds in this case. Howard found that hard to believe. He spent a few minutes talking to the woman about what she might want to advise her daughter to do. She said she doesn't interfere with her daughter's life. She said that if she asks her for advice, she would give it to her. She said her daughter has been under a lot of stress for the past year and it shouldn't have gone on that long. Howard agreed that the case should have been over in three weeks, not over a year.
Howard asked the woman if her daughter wanted to talk to him. She got a phone call on another phone so she went right to that and told Howard she had to get going. Howard let her go and thanked her for talking to him. Howard said he can't imagine that this case didn't have to do with race. He said he was going to take a break and then get to some news and wrap up the show.
Howard said he would tune in even if they just had a camera on OJ's house. He said they could focus in on his balcony and he'd tune in just to get a glimpse of that balcony. Howard said that Fran is apparently afraid to face them so they were going to move on with Robin's news. He said that Fran dropped by today to ask if he had 5 minutes he could spend with her. He told her he had a meeting to get to after the show but she's still there so he must have 5 minutes.
Robin started her news and talked more about the OJ Simpson case. She had the verdict being read and some other audio clips to play. After doing a bunch of OJ stories and some other stuff, Robin had Howard playing a clip of the Pope making a speech. That eventually led to the guys making fun of his accent and comparing that to Martin Landau's accent in the movie ''Ed Wood.'' The guys had some fun goofing on the accent for a short time. Ralph had showed up around that time but Howard had to shut him up because he wanted to get out of there.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show by taking a commercial break. After the break Howard said he had a good day yesterday sitting home. He said he was at the station before that and was told he had the number one ratings in New York City for the fifth straight year. Then later in the day his agent sat him down and told him he was number one in L.A.
Howard read through his ratings reports and told Robin about their ratings jumping up out there while Mark and Brian fell to number 12. Rick Dees fell to number 6. Howard said Rick's station must not have been giving away lots of money.
Howard said his agent also told him about going from a 1.9 to a 3.4 rating in Chicago. He said they were 1 tenth of a point from being number one out there. That happened in under 6 months which is their fastest drive to the top ever. He said he called up his old boss at the station they were at out there to talk about their stupid move getting rid of him. He said that Larry Wert went crying to all of the ad agencies out there telling them that he had wished AIDS on him.
Howard said when he called the old station they told him not to rub it in. He said that this ratings sweep was faster than any other city. He said they would have been number one in 9 months instead of a year if that other station hadn't fired them.
Howard said he was reading the New York Post and they wrote that his ratings had plummeted. He said that some guy wrote about the ratings but obviously didn't know what he was talking about. He said it's hard to decipher the ratings sometimes and they were going by what the ratings were last summer, comparing them to the current ratings. He couldn't believe that they were ruining this great day for him. It's like they want him to fail.
Howard wanted Gary to get the guy who wrote the article on the phone so he could ask him about the article. He said the guy must be an Imus fan because he wrote up how his ratings had remained the same. Howard said all of these reporters want him to fail and insist on writing that his ratings aren't all that great, even though he's number 1.
Howard wondered why it is that he can't win with those reporters. He wanted to ask the guy if he ever even saw the ratings that he was reporting on. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard he had the reporter on the phone. Howard picked up and spoke to Joe Adalain. He asked the guy if he knew what certain things meant in the ratings books. The guy knew what some of that stuff meant but not all of it. Howard said that the stuff he reported on was just not right. He told the guy that he is still number one in New York City and no one has ever accomplished such a thing.
Howard said that even this guy David Hinkley from the Daily news, who hates Howard, got it right in his article. Howard asked Joe who he spoke to about the ratings. Joe said that he can't get anyone from his station to talk about that stuff so he went by what he was reading. Howard said that he should have been talking about how he had a 14 ratings to Imus' 6 rating.
Joe said that he doesn't write the headlines so that wasn't his fault. Howard laughed and said that's the story of his life. Howard read some of Joe's article and told Joe that people in the industry must laugh when they read that stuff.
Gary came in and told Howard that his ratings are a 9.6, the next competitor is a 6 rating and Imus is down at a 3.9. That's how far apart Imus really was. Howard wondered why this kind of thing happens to him when a guy like Imus gets positive press for having no ratings.
Howard told Joe that it's his responsibility to research the story he's writing and to get it right. He said it's not his job to explain the ratings to someone. Joe said that Howard has dropped ratings since the summer book. Robin told the guy that they have their highest ratings in the summer every year, they drop off during the fall all the time.
Howard called Tom Chiusano into the studio to have him explain all of this stuff to Joe. Tom said that the ratings do drop off in the fall because kids are back to school after the summer.
Howard talked about some of the guys he's beaten over the years and how he would like to have Mel buy some FM station in Chicago so he can crush the competition out there. Howard wondered if Joe has ever done anything in his career worth writing about. He wanted to ruin Joe's day just like Joe had ruined his day. He said that these guys just call the General Managers at other stations and believe anything they're told. Any GM is going to spin the story in their favor.
Howard continued to complain about the way he gets treated in the press no matter how well he does. He said that Rupert Murdoch should read his own paper once in a while because he is writing a book for one of his companies. He said it must be easier to write a negative article about him instead of a positive one. He said it's just not fair. He let Joe go a short time later and said that he should go drink poison.
Howard said he should be having a the best day of his life but now he's having the worst. He said he does have to thank the people of Chicago for getting them up in the ratings even though they were taken off the station there.
Howard said he's going to do his first book signing out in L.A. Since they made him number one out there. He figured he'd give them that since they gave him the ratings. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said that they got a Judge Ito mask there at the station and it's so real looking that he thought that he was actually there. He had Billy West go out and put the mask on. Billy came in and went into his Judge Ito impression with the mask on. He said that it's very tough to see through those slits they call eyes. Billy told a few jokes but Howard said he needed someone to write him some funny stuff.
Howard told Billy he could take the mask off. Billy said that even through those slits he could still see that OJ was guilty.
Howard read a letter he got from a fan who said that he'd like to see OJ dating Johnny Cochran's daughter. Howard said the guy also said it would be funny of OJ was tried by Mexican's the next time.
Howard said that Steve Dunleavy wrote an article about himself and how right he's been about the OJ case so far. He read some of that article and did his Aussie accent as he was reading it. He also brought up how Bryant Gumbel wanted to do this interview with OJ Simpson but he's been told he's too close to the guy. They're doing that interview on NBC. Howard said he thinks that Bryant would be fine doing that interview but now he's so pissed off that he's called in sick with the flu this week.
Robin read some stuff about the kind of advertising money that Dateline is going to be getting per 30 seconds. They're getting more money than even Seinfeld is making for ads. Howard and the guys ended up goofing on Tom Brokaw for a short time. They were talking about where he went to school and where Katie Couric went to school and goofing on both of them. Billy West went into a Tom Brokaw impression and goofed on his speech impediment. Robin said that you watch that guy when you want a laugh during the news. Howard said that Tom Brokaw reads his lines like his tongue is running the high hurdle.
Howard got back to Steve Dunleavy and talked about his article where he says he has predicted a lot of the stuff OJ has done so far. He said that he thinks that OJ will leave the country when he's sued in a Civil trial. Steve also says that Johnny Cochran will not be backing OJ in that trial either.
Howard said that he's going to have a Pope Mobile made up for his book signing tour. He did his impression of the pope for a short time. He figured he'd wear one of those giant hats and carry the smoking purse around with him as well. He could also wear one of those big sash things and then walk over an open grate and have the wind blow up his dress like Marilyn Monroe.
Howard said that he likes that people are going to be protesting the OJ interview at NBC. He likes the idea of that whole thing. He said he's not even going to watch the interview.
Howard said he was on the phone with a really famous guy last night... but he can't say who it was because he promised he wouldn't. Robin wanted to know who it was but Howard wasn't going to give up the information. He said he promised the guy he wouldn't say. He told Robin he had to take a commercial break but they ended up talking a little more about OJ before that happened.
Gary told Howard he had a guy on the phone that he might want to talk to. Howard said that yesterday was the best day in his life. He said he loves the days when his kids were born but yesterday was the best day in his life because he went to number 1 in the ratings in some other markets. He remains number 1 in New York which is also great.
Howard ended up doing his Rambo impression when Fred played a clip from the movie. He said he couldn't be distracted by that but that's exactly what happened. He eventually got back to what he was talking about. Gary read a headline from a Chicago paper where they blasted the radio station that fired him just a week before the ratings came out. Howard shot right up in the ratings in that ratings period but the station let them go just 6 months after he started there. Howard read through the article and explained how the station jumped the gun on firing them. He said that radio ratings are not like TV ratings, they don't happen immediately.
Howard read the article and said that he was almost number one after just 6 months in the market. That's the fastest rise they've ever had in the history of the show. He had to kiss himself after reading all of that stuff. He even wanted to pull down his pants to kiss himself because he's so great. He told Fred to come over and kiss him down there instead.
Howard wanted to kiss a picture of himself so he took off his headphones and went over to a big picture he had in the studio and kissed himself on the lips. He said he also wanted to kiss OJ and then asked Robin to come and kiss him for the first time. She told him to sit down. She said she would not do that even though they were number one in all of these huge markets. He said he also wanted to touch her breasts, one for each coast that they're number one on.
Howard kept asking for the kiss from Robin but she didn't want to do it. She said it didn't sound fun to her. Howard figured she hadn't kissed a man in a long time so she must want it. Howard thought she had feelings for him but she said she didn't have feelings for any of the guys there. Robin suggested that Howard kiss Robin Radzinski instead of her.
Howard interrupted and said he forgot he had a phone call to take. He still couldn't get over the fact that Robin wouldn't kiss him and said that he can see the headlines in the paper now... ''Stern's Sex Appeal Plummets.''
Howard read more of the article about his ratings in Chicago. He said that this guy Larry Wert was going around telling advertisers about his wish of him getting AIDS but failed to tell them that their station was going around sending them boxes of excrement and stuff like that.
Howard laughed when he read about Steve Dahl losing all of his ratings in Chicago. He said that guy was so proud of himself for being his first imitator. He said all of those guys are wannabes.
The caller claims that the guy, Mark or Brian, shoved him away so he said he was being a real asshole and then the guy threw his beer down and said ''Come on man, lets go...'' and then shoved him down to his knees. Then the caller pulled his legs out and knocked the guy down on his back and started wailing on him. He said that they spent about a half hour talking about it on their show the next day. He said he had claimed that it was a drunk fan who had attacked him when he's not a fan of his at all.
The caller said that he also kicked the guy in the face when he lunged at him again. He said that it was Brian who he was actually beating the crap out of. He said they carted him off to clean Brian up at some point in the night and they kicked the caller out of the concert. Howard got a few laughs out of that story. He thanked the guy for the call and let that guy go.
Howard said that he loves that those guys are busy getting into fights with his fans at a concert. He said he came to that town and showed the people in L.A. who the best radio guy is. He said that those two are his bitches now and they now know what that's like. He wondered what it must be like for them when everyone brings up his name to them.
Howard said that until he leaves radio, they will never be able to succeed. when he does leave radio, that's when they will be able to make it. He said he's got to get back on an FM station in Chicago so he can shoot up to number one there. He came so close until those dopes at WCKG let him go. Howard said that a certain someone he knows, Mel Karmazin, is going to buy an FM station there so he can put him on. He said Mel doesn't realize that yet but that's what's going to happen. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said that OJ is standing there watching TV in the picture and he's got a big TV in the middle of his media center and two smaller ones on the sides. They had a picture of Al Cowlings watching the verdict being read as well.
Howard said that they should ask OJ to produce the gloves that he was wearing in the pictures that Nicole took of him. Jackie said that Jackie said that OJ claimed that the gloves didn't fit but they were the same size that Nicole bought for him. If they didn't fit then why would she have bought them for him?
Howard said that there was a hot blonde in the pictures and wondered who she was with there at the party. He said it looked like OJ was scoping her out in the picture too.
Howard said that Johnny Cochran was in one picture laughing at the spot on OJ's floor where they found ''the bloody sock.'' Howard said that he thought OJ was upset about losing his wife but they're all standing around laughing about the whole thing.
Howard and the guys were all checking out the pictures and talking about some of the stuff they saw. Howard read about OJ's mother and said that's probably where all of OJ's problems came from.
Howard wanted to call ''Girlcow'' (Mancow) to brag about how close he came to beating him in the latest ratings book. He said it will take some time to build up that audience again after what went on. He dialed the number off the air and tried to get Mancow on the phone. He got someone on the line and told him to go get his bitch of a boss on the line. The woman put him on hold but came back a short time later and said she wasn't going to come on the air. Howard went off on her for a few seconds before she hung up on him.
Gary said that Mancow wanted to be on the show just a couple of months ago but now he won't come on because Howard came so close to beating him. Gary said that the guy has to be making in his pants now that he's come so close. Howard said he's probably relieved because they were taken off of that FM station and put on some AM station out there. Howard said that Steve Dahl is another guy who crows that he beats him but then he beats them when he gets on in their market.
Howard said he was a little pissed off at Robin for not kissing him on the lips. She once kissed Stuttering John on the lips. He read a letter he got where a guy says that she should kiss the man who made her what she is, on the lips. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had Chuck Negron from Three Dog Night come in a short time later. He said he didn't know that Chuck was on drugs back then and thought that they were a clean band. Chuck said that they had all kinds of drugs to use back in the 60s when they were making hit songs. chuck said that he was reminded of a story from back then and said that he was told that he had to stop having sex so much because he had a problem with his penis and it got so engorged with blood that it exploded.
Howard didn't know what he was talking about so he had to get more details about this penis that exploded. Chuck said that because he was so agitated from having so much sex, it started bleeding. He said that he went to the emergency room after the blood started coming out of it. It wasn't the first time they had seen something like that either.
Chuck said he had stopped having sex for like a week but this one woman came around that he liked. He said that he didn't have much of a rap so he was able to get her somehow. He said he was sore from having so much sex but he had to have this chick.
Howard talked about how he masturbates so much that he feels that there's nothing left inside of him. He still has to do it though. Howard asked Chuck if he's a large man or if he's average size. Chuck said he's average and the people at the hospital were laughing at him. He said he had his penis is in his hand while it was bleeding and that's the way he walked in. Robin said they probably had people coming to look at it too. Chuck said that's exactly what happened.
Howard said the doctors probably said that it was just another case of ''Rockstarus Fallus.'' He also talked about some other stories he's heard about people who have had things jammed up their butts but claim that the stuff went up there accidentally.
Chuck said that there are some people who have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and that's what the doctors thought he had because he was having so much sex. He said that his girlfriend at the time freaked out when she saw the blood coming out. She actually felt the blood coming out of his penis. Chuck said he didn't feel anything at the time because he was on heroin. He was actually kind of happy that he was bleeding because he was so high.
Chuck said that a lot of OCD sufferers rub themselves so much that it bleeds. That's why the doctors thought that's what his problem was. He said that he had a lot of women who would come and do him and then his road manager would kick them out for him. He said that wasn't the nicest thing to do to women, he knows that. Howard said Chuck must have thought that this was the worst joke that God could play on him by making his penis bleed.
Chuck said that he knew that the sex thing was going to end some day but he didn't know that it was going to end with his penis bleeding. He thought it was all over at that time.
Howard gave chuck a plug for his new album and said that they would come back and have him play some songs for them after taking a break. Chuck had a friend there to help him out with the songs. Gary told Howard that Jimmy is in the Three Dog Night band that was out touring but Chuck isn't in that band. Robin said she wanted to know more about that but Howard told her he'd get to it after the break. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Jimmy Greenspoon about why the band won't have Chuck in it. Jimmy said that it was Chuck's choice, they weren't keeping him from being in the band. Chuck said that he made a lot of money with the band and thought that he could go back but they didn't want to deal with him doing drugs like he did in the old days. He was clean though so he wouldn't be the same guy.
chuck said that he realized how much damage he had done to these men that he worked with. He said he should have been reliable to them but he ended up walking away from everything and left them hanging. Chuck told Howard about how he got into singing and how he did a gig at the Apollo theater right after a woman got booed off stage. He said that she was bad and he thought he was going to get taken off the air the same way. He managed to win them over by the second verse though.
Howard asked Chuck how he hooked up with the band. He said he moved out to California and met these guys who had a band. He said he didn't do drugs back then. He said he did LSD and ended up getting hooked right away. He said the first time wasn't too bad but the second time was petrifying to him. He said he tried some other drugs that made him sick but he got addicted and kept doing them.
Howard wanted to have Chuck and Jimmy perform some songs for them. Chuck said that they hadn't performed together in about 10 years but they should be fine with anything that Howard throws out to them. Jimmy started playing but Chuck spent a short time talking about how he lost a lot of the money that he made from being in the band. He said that about $50 million has disappeared over the years. He said that he would waste money on things that a sober person wouldn't. He said he had a building worth millions that he sold for $35,000 because he needed the money that day. chuck said he even sold his gold records to make money and he never went back to get them from the pawn shop he gave them to because he was so embarrassed.
Chuck said that they had 12 platinum albums over the years and they sold over 90 million albums over the years. Howard had Chuck sing ''One'' for them after that. Chuck and Jimmy performed most of that song and then asked Howard if he wanted to hear another one. Howard was lost in the song and forgot that he could request more.
Howard said that ''One'' was their number this morning since they were number one in New York and Los Angeles. chuck and Jimmy performed ''Joy to the World'' after that. Howard told him that he has to get back into the band after hearing that song. Chuck said that the band is happy with what they're doing so he doesn't need to go back. He said that he went out and made his own CD and he doesn't have to deal with those peckerheads in the band. He wasn't calling Jimmy a peckerhead, it was the other guys.
Howard requested ''Eli's Coming'' as the next song so Jimmy and Chuck went right into that one. Howard asked if that one was about masturbation. Chuck laughed and said it was. Howard had then perform ''Old Fashion Love Song'' after that. Howard told them they were great and then asked them to perform ''Easy to be Hard.'' They went right into that one and played for a short time.
Howard asked Chuck about his solo album and which one was the best song on there. Chuck said that he likes a lot of the stuff on there. He covers the old Cream song ''I Feel Free'' so Howard wanted to check that one out. He played that song and said that he loves that song. He played some other tracks off the new album and spent a little time talking to Chuck about it. Chuck said that he does some old songs because he loves them but he's also come up with some new stuff.
Howard started to wrap up with the guys and gave Chuck some plugs for this new album of his. Gary told Howard that Chuck went to jail and did some time. chuck said that he got into some trouble back when he still had a car and got put away for a while. He said he got busted for driving under the influence. He said that the cops once pulled him over and told him to take his hands out of his pockets but when he took them out, he had dope in his hands. He said he had to clean up but every time he was tested he'd come up dirty.
Chuck talked about some of the stuff he got into trouble over and how he was arrested for stealing a car one time. He said it wasn't a stranger's car though, it was someone he knew. He said that he was so bad that even the Betty Ford Clinic didn't want to help him. He said that even they thought his drug use was too much. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time after that.
Howard had Robin start her news after Fred played her news theme song. Howard wondered where that came from. Fred said it was on some sound effects CD and it was called ''High Tech 6 Number 14.'' Robin started off her news and couldn't avoid bringing up OJ Simpson again. It was all over the news. Howard and the guys had some fun goofing on OJ and all of the crazy stuff that had gone on with his court case.
Howard wanted to get this guy Don Ohlmeyer on the phone to ask him about how he's supported OJ since the beginning. He goofed on the guy during Robin's news report about OJ. He and Billy West were also doing impressions of some of the jurors from OJs case. They were goofing on how dopey some of them sounded talking about the evidence in the case.
Howard wanted to run a commercial for his show during the OJ Simpson interview on Dateline but Tom Chiusano came in and said he doesn't think they would take it. Howard said they could do a 30 second shoot with the E! crew and send it over to NBC. If they said no to them, even that would be a big story because they're willing to put OJ on their air but they may not take an ad from him.
Howard told Billy he could wear the Judge Ito mask in the commercial. Gary came in and told Howard he had the number for the NBC ad sales department. Tom asked him if the number was in New York as if he didn't want him calling California because it might cost too much.
Howard tried calling the number but he kept getting a busy signal. Billy West was doing an impression of the busy signal so Howard told him to shut up with that. He thought that it would be unbelievable if they could get an ad on during that show. Howard ended up calling Jackie's Joke Line instead of the ad sales line. He didn't get a busy signal with that. Howard cut it off before the joke was done. Billy then went into his Jackie impression and goofed on that for a short time.
Tom said that this would be a big story but he still didn't think it was going to happen. Howard eventually got through to the sales department and asked if they would come on the air with him. Howard spent some time talking to the guys while they waited for someone to pick up the phone. It never happened though so he tried calling back. He asked again if they could get someone to talk to him on the air but they just put him on hold again.
Howard told Tom to go back in his office and make the call off the air to find out if he could buy a 30 second spot during the OJ interview. Tom didn't want to lie about it but Howard told him it was okay to do that. He went to break after that.
Howard goofed on Tom for a short time and said he wasn't dropping the idea of doing a spot on that show. He said he still wants to do it. He had Robin get back into her news after that. Robin got right back into the OJ news and talked about the money that NBC was charging for ads during the interview and said that they're claiming that they were going to lose money on the deal.
Robin went through a bunch of news stories. Howard wrapped up the show after that and ended the show around 10:10am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show talking about Farrah Fawcett in Playboy. He said she's really cute and they have one of her squatting down in high heels that he really liked. Fred said that was a nice one. They talked about the ''total access'' that they'd have with her in that position. They spent a few minutes talking about how cute she was. They were also trying to figure out if she had implants or not. Her boobs were sticking straight up while she was on her back so they figured she must have something in there. Howard said that's how all women should age.
Howard said he went to the Rega Hotel to do this interview. He said they weren't set up when he got there and he doesn't understand why they weren't ready yet. He said they should have been ready by 10, he got there at 11:30. He said he has a life to get to and he can't be waiting around for them to set up.
Howard said he has to speak to his publicist's office to get them to do something about that. He said he doesn't want to be the dick to yell at those people, that's what you pay the publicist for. Gary said that he spoke to someone over there and they said that they were just going to call so he suggested that they actually show up.
Howard said that he can't be doing things like that all the time while he's doing press for this book. Ralph came in so Howard asked him if he okayed that with Gary. Ralph said he did. He told a story about going to the interview and how strange things were over there. He said the publicist people should have been there the whole time to make sure things run smoothly.
Howard said he should be like Robin and show up late to stuff like that. He went on to talk about how John Stossel seems to be really uptight and ''old'' when you talk to him. He said that he makes accusations about him and uses all of this judgmental crap in the interview. He said that's the kind of interviews he's been doing forever and he's sick of it.
Howard is wondering when someone is going to talk about what he's done for the radio industry instead of telling him that they've been told not to do the interview. He said that Stossel said that he was told not to do the interview because it could end his career. Howard said he asked him who said that to him but he didn't give him an answer.
Howard said he's been through this drill for 15 years and he knows what to expect in these interviews. He said that he was telling John that he entertains people every morning and they wouldn't say he was racist if they asked the people on the street. That led to them taking him out to the street to do some interviews and everyone in the lobby was yelling out his name. They didn't have the cameras on at that time.
Howard said that they walked down the street and no one was saying anything to them. Then a couple of guys started yelling out the number 44. He said it finally hit him that they're on E! on cable on channel 44. He said he had never heard that before but he eventually figured it out. Stossel asked the guys if they actually liked Howard and they said they did.
Howard said that it took him a while to figure out that 44 thing. He said they continued to walk down 6th Avenue and more people were coming up to them and saying they like him. He said that this big group stopped and formed around them and started asking questions, making comments and asking for autographs. He said that most of the people around like him. He said that Stossel seemed surprised by that.
Howard said he was going to get the same lousy rap that he gets in every other interview. He said that Stossel was complaining about him calling Linda Ronstadt fat so he told Stossel about her playing Sun City and how wrong that was.
Howard talked about bringing his laptop with him to the interview. He said that they asked him to have online cyber sex while they watched so she said he'd do it since he talked about it in the book. He said that he figured he'd just goof around with it and have some fun. He said that he was talking to Stossel about how he thinks of him as his dad when he's talking to him because he seems so old. He said that he did manage to get him to admit that he masturbates though.
Howard said that he signed on to Prodigy and John sat there and watched him do his thing. He said that a couple of the people in the chat were people he knew from previous chats. He said that he went into a private room with one of the girls and he started to think about what John was going to report about that. He said that John asked him how he could admit to something like that. Howard asked him how he couldn't.
Howard said that he knows he did a good thing with this second book and John read through it and thinks that it was all lies. He didn't believe some of the stuff he read. He said he'd like to know what Robin thinks about it too. Howard said that he swore that none of it was made up and that's what makes it a great book.
Howard took a guess at what the conversation between Barbara Walters and the others on 20/20 might go like. He made up the conversation and did impressions of the people on that show.
Howard said the interview was weird and he's tired of being judged. He said that he doesn't need that anymore. He said he did have to promote his book so that's why he was doing the interview.
Howard said that the E! guys decorated the studio for Halloween but he didn't really plan on doing anything. Gary said that a bunch of people responded to his request for people to come in to get their breasts painted. He said that they have one already and a bunch called. Howard said that he's ready to do that as long as they're not men.
Stuttering John came in with some orange paint that he had to mix. He said they weren't able to find orange said they had to make it up themselves. Howard said that he wanted a smock and surgical gloves so he could do the painting without making too much of a mess.
Howard talked about how he was supposed to do an interview with Katie Couric today but he was told yesterday that Katie wasn't going to be able to make it today. They said they'd reschedule. He said that was okay with him but he called his agent to find out what was going on with that. His agent told him that they offered Matt Lauer to do the interview instead. He said that Katie got scared and backed out of doing the interview because of something he said on the air.
Robin said that she got to talk to Katie one time. She said that Bryant Gumble backed out of her interview so she got Katie instead. Howard said he was kind of freaked out by her backing out and wasn't sure what it was that he said.
Howard said that those people will talk to murderers and have no problem doing that. They're afraid of a radio DJ though. He said he got kind of disappointed when that happened. He said he'd love to know what he did to scare her.
Robin figured that it was something about getting Katie's clothes off or something. Howard said that could be it but he can't imagine that would scare her away from the interview. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that they had the tape of Howard talking about Katie Couric that may have scared her. Howard quickly played that clip and wondered what it was that scared her off. He didn't think the clip was that bad. They spent a short time talking about that. Howard said he backed out of doing the interview to the Today Show when they gave him Matt Lauer. He's already done an interview with that guy and that's enough.
Howard moved on to the painting of the breasts and got a smock so he could keep his clothes clean. He had the guys bring in one of the girls so he could paint her. Gary said that she was kind of stinky from Petruli oil. Howard said that's the worst smelling crap in the world.
The girl was calling herself Raggedy Ann the Cyber Slut. Howard said that she was a little flabby and a little too talkative. He said she was cute when she walked in but then she wouldn't stop talking. He had her sit down to show her flab. Howard said that she was hot for a regular chick though. He said he would have banged her before he was famous.
Howard asked Ann about how she makes money and figured that her father sends her money to live in the city and do her art. She said that her father does send her a little bit of money. She said that she designs textiles and stuff. Howard said that he just learned that textiles are clothing recently. He had no idea before that.
Howard told Ann that he was glad that she came down today. He said that she shouldn't be uptight about taking her clothes off. He said he was going to have a lot of fun painting her today. He asked her if she has a boyfriend or anything. She said that she doesn't have anyone in particular.
Howard said he wanted to get right to the painting. He asked her if she's ever taken her top off in front of a group of guys before. She said she had done that at a club up in Montreal. Howard asked her if she was like 38 years old. She sounded insulted and said she's only 25.
Ann took her top off and Howard said her boobs were nice. She said that they were B-cups. Howard told her that she's not bad looking at all and he would have died for her before he was famous.
Howard decided to put a big jack-o-lantern on her boobs and started to paint it. He was going to make it look like Gary with big teeth. He said that she was very firm and young and he was enjoying the painting. She was still thinking about the 38 year old comment and wasn't too happy about that.
Howard drew the pumpkin and gave it some big Gary teeth. Jackie got a laugh out of that. Howard said he liked just the one pumpkin instead of having two. He gave her an orange dot on her other breast. He said that was the most sex he's had in a long time. He told her to never have a baby because those boobs would look like little pancakes.
Howard thought the pumpkin looked good. He said she looked really cute like that. He said she looks much better topless and maybe she should walk around without any pants on too. He thanked her for coming in after that. Howard asked if she wanted him to paint a haunted house on her ass. She didn't want that. Howard thanked Ann for coming in and let her go a short time later.
Howard played the clip that Gary found for him and it was something about getting Katie's dress off but it was just a quick comment. Howard said it's not like he's actually going to do something like that. He said he can't imagine that scared her off.
Howard said that people get freaked out by him and they get weird. He said he's not sure why that is, he's just a guy on the radio who makes people laugh.
Howard read a fax about Jackie's web page and how they didn't know how old Jackie was until he saw his picture. Howard read through that and talked about how old Jackie looks. Jackie said that those pictures are from like 10 years ago too. He said that he didn't know how old he looked.
Howard read another fax about how dirty his show is. The guy was telling him how his priest was talking about Howard Stern in his sermon and saying that he was ruining the world. Howard spent a minute on that talking about what hypocrites those guys are. They talked about the things they've seen these guys do before and how messed up they are.
Howard said that it's really weird when you get marriage advice from a guy who can't even have a normal relationship with a person.
Uzo came in and Howard said that she's very beautiful and already freaking out. She was crying when she came in. Robin wondered why she came in if she was just going to cry. Uzo said that they're tears of joy for her. She said that it's like meeting Jesus Christ. Her voice was quivering as she was talking. Howard told her to look at him and she could barely look over.
Howard asked Uzo to look at her but she was having a problem doing that. He said that her shirt could barely contain her today.
Uzo said she started listening to the show about 6 years ago when she came across the show accidentally. She said that she was waiting for music to come on but he just kept talking and talking. He said that she knew that day that he was like a God to her. Robin said he should have had her talk to John Stossel. Howard said they should send over some tape of this.
Howard said that he sees Uzo on Prodigy all the time and she never believes that it's really him. He said that he's never able to convince her it's him and she just calls him names.
Howard asked Uzo if she wanted to get her breasts painted today. She wasn't there for that so she wasn't going to do it. Howard talked to her about this guy she's been talking to on Prodigy and how she's going to dump her fiancé for him. She said that she gave her fiancé a hint about dumping him. She said that he's not into Howard and she warned him that if he doesn't start listening to Howard, she's going to dump him.
Uzo said that she didn't want to cry today so she didn't want to look at Howard. Howard demanded that she look into his eyes. She looked at him but then covered up her eyes. Howard said he kind of digs this worship stuff.
Gary said that John was telling him that Uzo claims to be the daughter of some diplomats. He said that there's a guy in the green room who claims to be her boyfriend too. She said that's her housekeeper, not her boyfriend.
Howard had Gary bring in the guy that was there. The guy came in and said that he loves Uzo. Uzo claimed that he was her Gunga Din but Howard wasn't sure what was going on there. Gary said he claimed that he had made love to her. The guy said that he was going to go along with whatever Uzo wanted to say. He didn't want to upset her today.
Howard asked the guy if he helps out with the bills or anything. He said that she actually helps him out with his bills. He said he was kind of getting choked up like she does when she sees Howard. Howard let the guy go because he wasn't getting any information out of him.
Uzo told Howard that the guy does a lot of stuff for her and helps her out. She said that she can't fire him because he helps out so much.
Howard said that Uzo is constantly on Prodigy and she always tells him to f-off when he wants to have cyber sex with her. Uzo said she spends about $2,000 a month on that stuff. Howard said that she tells him that she's not a big fan of the other people on the show, like Robin. Uzo said she doesn't like the way she treats some people on the show but she's had a change of heart about her. She said that when she's not on the show the show is much different and she now knows how extremely important she is.
Robin said that Uzo ran into her at The Wiz and started crying. Uzo said she likes Fred too and thinks that he's good looking in person. She said he doesn't look that good on TV.
Howard talked to Uzo about how long she's been listening to the show and then talked to her about her clothes and her great body. He said that it was perfect. She said that she does do some modeling at car shows and stuff like that.
Howard wrapped up with Uzo and said he'd give her a hug before she left. He said that those were some implants she had there. He wanted to paint them but she didn't want him to do that because he's her god and that would be disrespectful.
Uzo went over to Howard and started bowing in front of him. Howard thanked her for that as she was leaving the studio. Howard said that she was on her knees and pushed her head against his crotch. He said he didn't think that she actually meant to do that though. They went to break after that.
John said that Uzo acts a lot different in front of him than he does in front of Howard. He said that she has a lot to say when she's not in front of Howard.
Uzo came back in and said that she did promise John sex that time. John said she came over all dressed up and looking really sexy. Howard said that Fred told him he's seen her out on the street all sexy looking and walking around.
Uzo said that all people want her when she walks around. She said that she's one of the few good looking black people out there and that's why they like her so much. She said that she's got a nice ass and doesn't have big lips like so many other black women do. Howard said that she does have a beautiful face and a great bust and a round buttocks.
Howard had Uzo dance around a little bit for them. She did that to some music that Fred was playing. Howard said that must be how she stays in shape the way she does. Uzo said that she doesn't really eat very much either.
John said that when Uzo came over she told him to come back to her place to have sex. He said that he'd go anywhere to do that. He said that he went back there and she's got a small apartment. She has that houseboy there though.
Uzo said she asked John to show her his penis and he did that. John said that this was the first time he went over there. John said that he went over one other time. He said that they went out to eat but she wasn't eating anything. She said that she likes peanuts and pineapple juice. She said that's how she stays thin and keeps that 18 inch waist of hers. Howard said that a woman's stomach should look like Uzo's.
Uzo talked about the food that they have here and how it's different around the world. She said that the food here is based on fat and it all makes you fat. that's why she eats very little. Robin asked her if she's going to have kids some day. She said that she plans to get married some day. She said that she was going to marry this fiancé of her's but he wasn't into Howard so she may not go through with that.
Uzo talked about seeing John's penis and how she made out with him. She said that he's a very good kisser. She said that he was medium sized down there but that didn't mean that she was going to have sex with him.
John said that he didn't get to see her vagina the first time but the second time he asked her to show him and he did get to see it. He didn't touch her though. Uzo said that she was the one doing the touching.
The guys heard that Doug had been to Uzo's apartment too. She said that he's a very nice Jewish guy but they didn't do anything either. She said that he was kind of dull to her. Robin said that he wouldn't have been able to talk himself into anything.
Uzo said that Doug was freaked out by her and he never made his move on her. Doug said that she was a little intimidating to him. John said that Doug also thought that she was a prostitute. Doug said he didn't but Uzo went on to say that any woman who sleeps with a man is a ''hookah'' because they're doing it for money. Howard thanked Uzo for coming in once again and wrapped up with her a short time later.
Jennifer came in and said that she was 20 years old. Howard said that she was very cute and said that she had a good body. She said that she works in sales for a paging company. Howard said that she could be a stripper or something. She said that Howard was beautiful and she can't live without him since she started listening to the show.
The girl said that she weighs about 120 pounds and she's 5'5'' tall. Howard said that he would have freaked for a girl this hot. He asked if she had ever had her breasts painted like this before. She said she hadn't. Robin asked if she was nervous to do it. She said she was but this was a dream come true for her. She said she faxed Howard a couple of times and sent in some pictures of her breasts.
Howard said that this girl had a very dry mouth but her looks made up for that. She said that she's a B-cup but Howard thought they were bigger. He said that at 20 they're probably perfect and not ruined. He said that he remembers going to camp with a 20 year old and how great her breasts were back then. He said that they stuck straight out at that age.
The girl said that she'd love to get implants. Howard said that he might be able to help her out with that. He asked her if she had ever taken her shirt off in front of men like this. She said that she hadn't so Howard told her that she'd probably be dreaming about it after doing it because it's so erotic.
Howard said that this girl used to be a Jehovah's Witness and would walk around knocking on everyone's doors. She said that she was raised like that and after her parents got divorced she lived with her father. She ended up getting thrown out of the group after she met her boyfriend.
Jennifer said she met him and she ended up house sitting for someone and her father ended up catching her having sex with her boyfriend. Then he turned her into the group and that got her kicked out. Howard asked if he even caught them in the act of sex. She said that he didn't but he caught her when she was in a towel. She said that he told her that he was going to have to tell on her because of what she did.
She said that she packed her bags and left around that time. She said that she was 19 at the time and she was supposed to wait until she was married to have sex. She said she had to go stand in front of a bunch of older men and they asked a bunch of intimate questions about what exactly she did. She said that they asked about what she was wearing, how he was touching her and things like that.
Howard said that sounds like a strange scene with a bunch of old guys asking her about her sex life. Gary said he heard that she had to tell them how many and how long her orgasms were.
Howard had Jennifer pretend that she was in the meeting and he asked her some questions as if he was one of these elders that were questioning her. He asked her when she started having sex and she said it was at 14. She said that she was asked what she was wearing and things like that as well. She had no idea why that was relevant. Howard said he had an idea why they were asking that stuff.
Howard said that those guys must have been getting aroused while they were asking the questions. She said that she was crying when it was going on. She was asked about oral sex, anal sex and a lot of other intimate details. She said she didn't want to tell them every single thing. She said that she didn't talk about the anal sex. She said she just told them what she thought she needed to tell them. She said she ended up getting kicked out of the Jehovah's Witness thing after that. She said she could probably get back in if she went back to the elders.
Howard said he would have gone crazy for this chick if he was one of the elders. He wanted her to come over and get her breasts painted after hearing the story. He said he was all worked up after all of that.
Jennifer came over so Howard had her take off her jacket. He thought she was a stripper but she said she wasn't. Howard had her take off her bra and said that her breasts were perfect. He said they're young and that's what they're supposed to look like. He told her that in about 10 years she may need implants because they'll get floppy and flat. He said he's got to find a time machine.
Howard said he had some black paint this time so he was going to use both orange and black. He went right to it and started to paint her up. He was describing what he was doing as if he were that guy on PBS who paints. He was talking about the specks of black he was throwing on there to show off the ridges on the pumpkin.
Howard said he had to talk like that so his wife wouldn't get mad. He told her that her breasts were perfect. He kept going with the painting for a couple of minutes. He was going very slowly and dragging it out as long as he could.
Howard said that they should go show the elders his handy work. He thought that was the best job he had ever done with the painting. Howard asked her what her name was and found out it was Jennifer. She came up to him and gave him a hug before she left. Howard said that she really had a great body and he had to get out of there. He said she didn't have any zits on her back or her butt. That led to her showing him her ass for a second.
Howard told Jennifer that she could be making like $1000 a night if she was a stripper. He let her go a short time later and said he really has to get out of there. He said he really liked the story she was telling about the elder meeting. He said that the elders don't need to know that stuff at all. He said that he knew there was something fishy going on with that Jehovah's witness thing. He had to go to break after that.
Howard went into his Cousin Brucie impression for a short time. He talked about how that guy made a whole career out of that Cousin Brucie thing. He ended up goofing on that guy for a couple of minutes too.
Howard had the next girl come in to get her breasts painted. He said that she wasn't so young. He pegged her at about 31. She said that she was 32. He guessed she lived in Queens but she lived in Staten Island. He said that she had big nails and they were gold. She was French Italian and divorced. Howard said he couldn't believe it. She was talking about how she couldn't believe she was there. Howard said he couldn't believe it either.
Billy West went into his impression that sounded very similar to this woman's. He goofed on her gum chewing and things like that.
Howard guessed that the woman was a C-cup and got that right. He said they looked natural from what he could tell. She said he was right about that. He said that he was afraid they were going to flop down to the floor when she took them out. She said that she did have two kids so he might be right.
Howard said that he couldn't wait to paint her little eggs. He told her to take her top off. She said hi to her friends over the radio before she went over to take her top off. Howard told her she was very cute after she complained that he was making fun of her. Howard said she was kind of a weirdo.
Howard got a hug from the woman and asked what went wrong with her and her husband. She said that he was an idiot and she left him. She said that he was abusive to her so she had to get out. Howard said that maybe she didn't listen because she is a bit of a loud mouth.
Howard had her whip out one of her breasts. He said it was very nice when he saw it. He went in and started his work painting the pumpkin on her. She said she liked the way it felt. Howard asked if she had ever been with a woman before. She kind of let out a laugh that Howard took as a yes.
Howard said that he was abusing something on her right then. He said that she appeared to be very turned on. She said that someone needed to pinch her because she couldn't believe that this was going on. Howard said he was going to pinch her alright.
Howard wrapped up with his pumpkin and got a kiss from the woman. He didn't even know her real name. He said that he was going to call her Debbie. He said goodbye to her and called her a Yenta as she walked out. Then he said there was nothing round on her at all. He said that was a torpedo on her chest. He said that she was very cute but out there is one very lucky divorced man.
The guys spent a minute talking about her and how fun she was. Howard got out of his outfit after that so he didn't have the smock on anymore. He said that if he was at home with that chick he'd have her naked on top of a pool table.
Howard read one memo where they ran down all of the things that people aren't allowed to do at their desks. They can't have fish or full course meals at their desks. He thought that some of that stuff was kind of odd.
Howard read a story about John Wayne Bobbit wanting to go out and get his penis enlarged. He said that the guy can't stay out of the news with his penis. He said that he's now got an open wound on his penis that won't heal properly. Howard wanted to get him on the phone to talk to him about that.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about Bobbit and tried to figure out why he needs to be in the public eye all the time. Howard had Robin get her news after that.
Howard read a story about someone who wrote a letter about OJ and how he was going to spend the rest of his life trying to find the person who slaughtered Nicole and Ron. Robin got back to her story about the autograph signing a short time later.
Robin read about some other celebrity autographs and what they go for at these events like the one that OJ is going to be at. Howard and the guys were doing their 'Gina Man impressions during that story.
Robin read some other news stories about things like the Quebec and how they were going to secede from Canada. Howard said he thinks that this will happen there in the United States as well in about 50 years. He said that it'll be the Spanish speaking people who do that. The guys spent a few minutes talking about how it's not that big of a deal to demand that people speak one language in the country.
Robin talked about the bands that were going to be inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of fame. She mentioned Jefferson Airplane and Gladys Night and the Pips. David Bowie isn't going to be inducted because he's not a fan of the hall of fame. They had to go to break around that time.
After the break Robin read a story about a guy who took a dump on a food cart on an airplane last week. Howard knew the story and gave the details he knew about it. He said that he jumped up on a serving tray in 1st class and took a crap and wiped himself with a linen napkin and then tracked doody all over the airplane. The guys had some fun talking about that stuff for a few minutes. Robin said that guy is no longer allowed to fly unless he has permission from the FAA.
Billy West was doing his impressions during the doody story. He was throwing in a bunch of Jackie impressions and stuff like that.
Robin read a story about a woman who had a breast removed after a misdiagnosis for cancer. She had another story about a guy who was killed. That led to Fred playing some Jackie laughs and Billy doing his Jackie impression and Grandpa Al Lewis impression. Howard said that Billy actually had a Grandpa mask on today for Halloween. Robin said she was wondering what that mask was on his face.
Robin read some other stories about Detroit and the lack of violence on hell night out there. Billy was still doing his impression of Grandpa so Howard told him to take that ridiculous mask off.
Robin had a few more stories that she read through and then wrapped up. Howard said that the funny thing was that Billy was wearing the Grandpa mask but doing his Jackie impression. He was about to end the show but Robin mentioned one more story about the Munsters being brought back in a remake on TV. Howard said that none of these remakes are going to come close to being as good as the original. Howard ended the show around 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show talking about how he wanted to go home already. He said he was pissed off this morning and said that he's too busy. He has people taping things for him and not getting them to him. He had some faxes to bring with him but he forgot them somehow. He said he had too many things going on. He wanted to bring in a bunch of Entertainment Tonight clips to play but he doesn't have the tape because they didn't end up there.
Robin said that she thought he had people helping him out. He said he does but he's still got problems. Gary came in to talk about that stuff and that led to Howard talking about the tantrum he threw during the commercial break (that was edited out). He blamed that on Tom Chiusano because he has to work for him.
Howard ended up goofing on Gary about something to him he didn't like. He thought that Gary was going to come in with some good ratings information but he had nothing for him. Gary said they do have a naked woman coming in later on.
Howard said he tried to talk to Tom yesterday but he had trouble tracking him down. He said if you're going to do something, you have to do it right. He said that they have this bookmobile that they're going to be driving around the city to sell his book and they could just get this sticker to stick on it but they won't do things the easy way there. He said that's not even what he's upset about. He said that Robin doesn't want to know what it is that he's upset about, it doesn't matter.
Howard said that the book is a good gift if you want to give someone something king of inexpensive. He said that the book is on the New York Times best seller list and he thought that it was number 1. He said he was told that Colin Powell is going to be number 1 this week even though he's outselling that book 500-1 in every book chain. Then the NY Times decided on their own to make him number 2. He said that Judith Reagan told him about what was going on and he wanted to read the fax but that's one of the things that he forgot. Gary said that he called Judith and she said she had faxed that over last night so she didn't have it with her this morning. The fax was at the office. Howard told Gary to get her back on the phone so he can talk to her on the air.
Howard got Judith on the phone and asked her what's going on with the book. Judith said that they have very detailed reports about the book sales and they believe that Howard has outsold Colin Powell's book by a very large margin, like 15,000 to 2,000 in one book chain alone. She said that the big chain stores are the ones who are polled usually and she's thinking that this might be some kind of fraud and they're only polling the little book stores that don't sell much of anything. She said that this isn't even close and she's shocked that they're doing something like this.
Judith said that the other papers that are reporting are more accurate and they're giving Howard the number 1 spot. Howard said that he is number 1 on the list but the NY Times is giving that spot to Colin Powell because he's their man and they like the guy. Howard said he was reading about how the NY Times likes Bill Clinton so they're leaving out some stories about things going on with his administration too.
Judith said that this is like a culture war and they don't want his book to be number 1. She said that the country is falling apart right now and it's an act of immorality for them to pull something like this. She said that she was shocked that they gave Howard's book a good review though. Robin said that it wasn't in the book section though, it was in another section.
Howard said that he wants to get some sex from Judith but she won't give it to him and she's really boring because of that. He said that he's exhausted from all of this stuff and he doesn't get laid. He said that he could have gotten laid by the best of them out in L.A. when he was out there.
Judith thought that Howard wasn't even touching the lesbian he was sitting next to on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. She said that he was very uncomfortable sitting there and she thinks that if he writes another book, he should call it ''All Talk, No Action'' because he looked like he was afraid of that girl. Howard said that she doesn't know what went on there, they cut out most of what he did on that show.
Howard couldn't believe what the NY Times was doing and asked Judith what he can do about it. She didn't know what to do, it's a controversy and she has no idea what to do to fix it. Howard said that all of the other big papers are listing him as number 1 and only the NY Times is showing him number 2. Robin said that a book chain did this to him one time too and now the NY Times is changing history by playing around with their list.
Howard said that it was way too hot in the studio and changed subjects in the middle of Robin trying to help him out. Howard thanked Judith for sharing that information with them. She was going to wrap up with her but she talked about some of the food he was trying to feed her at his house. Howard said that he had some salad and cabbage and things like that. He said that he has his house organized and he has his salad all set up in the refrigerator. He has his housekeeper cut up everything for him and then he throws it into a bowl. He told Robin about the food he eats and how Judith gobbled it down like she was going to the electric chair.
Howard told Judith that he wanted to give her some protein of his own to drink. She didn't seem to get the joke at first but it came to her eventually. Howard let her go a short time later. He said that she was no help this morning though. Robin said that the only way to fight this is to give them some negative publicity on the air. Howard said that maybe some other newspaper yentas can pick up on the story and report it for him.
Howard said that last night they did a report about this Taxi Cab show where people reveal their secrets. He said that they showed some shots of that on Entertainment Tonight where two women were kissing. He said that was at 7:30 at night and it was no big deal. He put the word out to Jay Leno that it's okay to let two women kiss, especially at 11:30 at night. He said that Jay is the one who edited all of that stuff out of his show last night, not NBC. He complained about that and said that Leno is a big baby and he made it seem like he was doing something wrong when he was on. He said that he's a big hypocrite.
Howard said that his book is number 1 and it's virtually impossible that he's number 2 on that NY Times bestseller list. He said that they seem to be trying to embarrass him and change reality. He said that it really hurts him and he can't believe they're doing this. He said his book is the fastest selling book in history and they're trying to humiliate him.
Howard said that Bill Gates didn't do anything innovative. He just borrowed the look and feel of an Apple and stuck it on a DOS machine. He complained about that for a short time and then got back to his book not being number 1 on the NY Times list.
Howard said he had his new laptop with him this morning. He said it was a 760CD and he had a 12.5 inch screen on it. He said that it was nice and clear and looked great. He showed it off to Jackie and said that Jackie wanted to get one himself. He said that he's got 40 megs of ram, 1.2 gigabyte hard drive and it's really fast, it's got a Pentium in there. Robin wanted to know if it booted up fast. He said it does. He's got a 28.8 modem in there too. He assured Robin that it was really fast. He said that he's able to put it into hibernation by hitting just one button. Robin liked that idea.
Howard told her that she could get a dual boot and get both Windows and O/S 2 on a computer if she wanted. He said that he's not able to get into Prodigy with this new O/S 2 because they don't have the right software. He said that with the 28.8 modem he just can't get into the service. He said he's not sure what that's about but it appears that they just can't handle the new modems. He said he was calling a guy from Prodigy and he had to give up on it because he can't get in.
Howard said he had to take a break but he'd get to some phone calls and stuff after that. He said he had a lot of other things to talk about as well. He had some tapes to play and then he'd strangle Fred. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that the final answer is that he can't do this anywhere else and he's going to have to stick to the 3 hour limit. He said that he was going to ask the audience what he should do but he's going to get different answers from all of them. He said it seems kind of stupid to go for just 3 hours though. He said that he's going to have to get up early to drive down there and it's really turning into a big thing that he didn't think it was going to be.
Howard said he's still thinking about canceling the whole thing because it's going to be a nightmare. He said that the last time he was down there they kicked him out after 2 and a half hours so there's no point in going if he's going to be out in 3 hours this time. He said he's going to think about it and possibly cancel. He didn't want the fans to blame him though, it's the book store that won't let him stay as long as he needs to.
Howard said he was thinking of putting his autograph on his E! show and just have people print it in their own books.
Howard read a note he got from someone who reminded him that Jay Leno once ruined a funny bit with the cast of Cheers on his show when they had a little too much to drink. He said that's right, Jay did ruin that whole thing.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that this is ridiculous that they're doing this to him down in Philly. Howard said that there is no one to blame there, they're not trying to punish him or anything. The caller suggested he do a signing out at a place in New Jersey in the suburbs. Howard said he didn't know what to do, he just wants to give the Philly fans what they want.
Howard said that the last Philly appearance was a nightmare and he got taken out by the cops who shut down the whole thing that day. Howard said that the fans in L.A. were very happy that he stuck around for the full 10 hours he was there. He said that he wants to make sure that everyone gets serviced because they aim to please.
Howard said that maybe they can turn the signing into a little event and get some bands down there to entertain the fans. Robin said that's just what they're trying to avoid at that book store though.
Howard said that everyone gets to meet everyone else down there and that's the great thing about these big gatherings. He talked about some of the other events that he held and how the fans really enjoyed it and there were even people selling stuff to other people in line.
The caller was telling Howard that he really enjoyed his book. They talked about the chapter about Michael Jackson and how odd that guy was. Howard was doing his impression of Jackson and goofing on him. He was making fun of the way he talks about the ''childwen'' and things like that.
The caller asked Howard about buying the rights to a book about Sam Kinison's life. Howard said that he did get the rights to the book but he thinks that there's going to be some resistance to making the movie because the people in Hollywood didn't really like him that much. He thinks that he could make a really great movie though.
Howard said that Jackie brought out this album called Sgt. Pecker and all of the operators who were taking the orders were upset about the name of it and now he can't sell them through the phone orders. He can only sell them through his web site. Jackie said that he's got a ton of these CDs to sell and they're all filling up his house. Jackie said he kept the name of the album because the first time he mentioned it, Fred laughed his ass off. Fred said that it really is a funny name.
Howard said that they have his bookmobile down in Philly today and he's not sure exactly what they're doing with it out there. He brought up the NY Times bestseller list again and talked about how crazy it is that they're not making him number 1 on the list even though he's outselling Colin Powell's book according to the research that the book company is doing.
Howard said that he knows that he's outselling Colin Powell because USA Today and other papers are reporting his book as the number 1 best selling book. He went off on the NY Times for a few minutes before taking some phone calls.
Howard got this guy Frank on the phone. Frank is the driver of his ''Miss America'' bookmobile. They have a big blanket on the bus that shows what it is but it kept blowing off. Frank said that they have it taped down now so it won't blow off. That led to Howard talking about how they could have had some temporary decals made for these busses but Tom Chiusano doesn't know how to do things the right way.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Frank about what he's seen out there so far. He said that some women have flashed him and they have had some people come in and sit down to read the book. He said that one of the women who came in to read the book was pretty good looking too. Howard wanted to see this bus and asked him to drive by and show them tomorrow. Frank said he would do that.
Howard had Frank put one Scores girl who was working with him at the bookmobile on the phone. She told Howard what she looks like and she gave him the rundown and told Howard what they're doing there trying to get some people to read his book. She said that people are looking through the book and they're handing out some stuff to the people who visit.
Another Scores Girl, Holly, got on the phone and told Howard that she was at one of his book signings and she's the blonde that was down there. Howard said he didn't know that she was in the Dutch Playboy magazine. She said that she's been getting some feedback about the book and stuff. Howard was talking to her about her looks and told her that he has to get laid.
Howard had Holly read some excerpts from his book but she wasn't all that great at reading so he asked Michelle to read some instead. She didn't have much of a delivery either. Howard gave up on that a short time later and got Frank back on the phone. He told him to start out down by the station tomorrow morning so they can check out the bookmobile. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that this guy Charles Grodin keeps bringing up his name on his show and it's just about every night now. He said that Grodin mentioned him while Geraldo was on the show and Geraldo wasn't really trying to defend him at all. He said that Geraldo is so lame. He said that Geraldo talks about how he goes on that show to promote his own show and doesn't do anything to defend him.
Howard said that he's pretty sure he's going to puke when he hears this clip of Geraldo. He said that he's been asking him to be on his show but he's not sure if he wants to do it. He said he might just pull the plug on that. He said that he had a great idea for the show but now he's thinking of pulling out and doing that on some other show.
Nancy the Dog Walker came in a short time later. Howard told her that she was kind of sexually harassing him now. She refused to sit down and wanted to come over and touch Howard. Gary said that she offered him some money if he'd talk good about her on the air. Howard said that she's looking good now because she fixed her hair. She said that she thought it was because she had more money.
Nancy asked if she could stay on the whole show today. Howard told her no. Gary said he talked to her about this before she came in and told her that they couldn't do that. Howard said that she looks really pretty with the new hair style. He said that she used to have this ''Jersey girl'' poofy hair style that wasn't good for her.
Nancy wanted to sit next to Howard and said that she wasn't going to get naked unless she could do that. Gary told her that she has to get naked, tell her story and then she'd go sit next to him. Nancy kept asking about sticking around through the whole show but Gary tried to get her on track and just tell the story. She wasn't really focusing on telling the story she had and kept asking other questions and offering the guys money to do stuff for her.
Howard said that he always thought that Nancy's body was good but this hair cut really changed her looks for the better. He said that the guy who did the sexual harassment thing must have been really bad. Nancy told Howard about how this guy was her boss and how the company is still in business and things are going very well for them even after she left. She said that the business is huge now and she still helps out once in a while.
Nancy asked if she could go to Letterman with him. Howard said she can't go with him and she's got to stop with these questions. He told her to take her pants off. Her stomach looked good to him. He said that she's got to just take her pants off but she kept talking and delaying the process. Gary told her that they have to be done with this whole thing as soon as possible so she's got to just do it.
Howard finally got Nancy naked and said that she rally doesn't look that bad. He had to throw out his food after she stuck her fingers in it though. He told Gary to toss it because she had just contaminated it. He kept asking her to just look at him and concentrate on what she was doing. Howard told her that she got what she wanted because she was sitting on his lap by that point. He said that she didn't feel so bad but she did have a little bit of belly fat on her. He said it was cute though.
Nancy said that she has no fat and told him that he's got love handles. Howard said he knows that, but at least he admits it.
Howard asked Nancy some questions about this sexual harassment thing that she was involved with. She said that she was working in a job where she was in an office environment. Howard tried to drag the story out of her but she was hesitating and not telling it so he was going to kick her out of the studio. Gary told her that he's about 2 seconds from throwing her out.
Howard told Nancy that she could touch him but she ended up touching him somewhere that she wasn't supposed to. Howard told her to go back and sit in her own chair. He said that he could tell that she was getting all sexed up because he could smell it on her.
Nancy said that this boss of hers was really mean to her and she never flirted with him or anything. He found out that she'd been on the Stern Show getting topless and stuff and that upset him. She said that he told people about her doing the show and these other people would ask her what it was like to be on the show. She said that she used to dress down a little bit working there and the guy would tell her that she was dressing kind of dowdy. She said that she once touched her butt while she was reading him a memo and that wasn't cool.
Nancy told Howard more details about this sexual harassment thing but Gary had to try and get her on track and telling the story. She said that he wanted to come down to see her at her apartment one day. She said that he pushed her against a wall and tried kissing her and she had to tell him to back off. Then she claims that he took his clothes off and she had to go to court and sue him over it. She said that he came on to her at work and that's why she had to do all of this.
Howard said that she's the worst story teller ever. Gary said that she told some great stories to him outside of the studio and he's not sure what went wrong here.
Howard took a call from Frank the Bookmobile driver who said that they were just chased away from the NY Times. They parked out there to goof on them about their false reporting of his book being number 2 on the bestseller list. Howard said he told him to go down there. Frank said that the security guards there all chased them away. Howard said that's because they don't want to be exposed for the phonies that they are. He said that he wants to know what their formula is for figuring out what's number 1.
Nancy asked if she could get into the Bookmobile too. Howard said that would be fine and he'd like her to go in there with the Scores girls. He told Frank to come back there and pick her up.
Nancy asked if she could pay him some money and stick around the rest of the show. Howard said that if she came up with 10 grand he'd do that. She said that she could pay him $500 and get naked whenever he wanted. Howard turned her down and got back to Frank. He told him to come down, pick up Nancy and drive as far away as possible.
Howard let Nancy come over and sit on his lap again. He wanted her to take her panties off and Gary pointed out that she's bald down there. Howard said that she looks like a baby and it's kind of cute. He laughed like a little kid when he was pointing that out. He said she looks like a Barbie doll. Fred said it looked like it had a 5 o'clock shadow.
Howard asked Nancy if she was sexually excited by him. She said that she always is. He said that she was slipping off his leg. He told her to go get dressed and get ready to get in the bookmobile. He told her that she really did look good today.
Gary said that she was being a really different person today. Last week he had a great conversation with her and today she just wasn't getting into the story. She then told the story about the guy taking his clothes off and ejaculating all over himself when he tried to come on to her. She said that's why she had to file the lawsuit against him. She claimed that the guy was married too.
Gary said that Nancy is looking for a book deal now. Fred played cuckoo sound effect for her when he heard that. She didn't seem to appreciate that. Howard told Nancy to go get dressed now and just get on the bookmobile. She was still talking about the guy who came on to her and how he was an ugly guy, that's why it was harassment according to Robin. If it was a good looking guy, she probably wouldn't have filed the suit. Nancy said that if Penny Crone, that ugly reporter, came on to Howard, he'd probably be upset while someone like Amy Lynn Baxter wouldn't cause a problem.
Howard said that the book store wants it to be from 10 to 1 and so do the cops and the other merchants in the area. He said that it hardly seems worth it to do such a short time. He also talked more about the NY Times list and how pissed off he is about that.
Howard took some phone calls and talked about the Philly book signing a little more. He said that he wouldn't limit him to 3 hours if he were that book store. He said that they could turn that into a lot of sales of food and other things if they wanted to. They could have food, drinks and more stuff outside the store to sell to people.
A woman called in and said that she thinks that they would open up early for him at the book store but Howard said that he wants to make it convenient for his fans. He said that he's ready to drop dead as it is though. He doesn't want to get up that early to go. He said that the fans shouldn't have to get up that early either.
Howard talked about some of the reports about the book signings he's done in the past and how the reporters are all very lazy about telling the stories. Howard talked about how wild those events can be and how the reporters just make it seem like it's no big deal.
Howard talked to the woman he had on the phone about the signing and figured that she wasn't much of a looker. She said that she actually is good looking even though she's close to his age. She said she hasn't hit the wall yet. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Scott actually did a good job out there but it is fun to goof on him. He said that he's a sad sack and he may not even see himself as one. That led to Howard and Fred doing their Scott impressions and goofing on the way he speaks. He said that even when things are going right for Scott, he still seems miserable. He said that Scott is always complaining about something, even when they set him up with his DJ business.
Howard said that they rarely get to see Scott outside of the show. He said that Fred, Jackie, Stuttering John, Scott the Engineer, Grillo and Kathy Tobin all went out to dinner after the Tonight Show. Howard and Robin said they both went back to their hotel rooms.
Howard said that everyone was out to dinner and Scott ordered a big porterhouse steak. Fred said that Scott kept saying that he had to go out to the humidor during the meal so Howard wondered what that was all about. Jackie said it was an excuse to get away from the table but no one knew it was a joke. Scott had to leave to go out and smoke since it's not legal to smoke inside restaurants out there.
Howard said that while they were at dinner Scott got his steak and Stuttering John told the waitress to hold on to Scott's food and tell him that she forgot the food. He wanted her to jerk Scott around to make him feel forgotten once again. The waitress did that and they ''forgot'' to bring out the meal. The waitress came back and asked Scott if he was ready to order after they brought out everyone else's food. Scott started getting irritated very quickly and he went around the table and figured out that there was something going on there.
Jackie said Scott was really pissed but then the waitress came out with his meal and he knew what was going on then. Scott said he knew before that but the guys didn't believe that was the case. Scott said that he hates when that happens and his food is the last to be brought out.
The guys were all goofing on Scott about all of that stuff. They were also talking about going out to breakfast with Robin one morning. Jackie said that he had steak and eggs for breakfast. Howard said that Jackie would never have a meal like that on his own, it was only because the station was paying for it that he did. They made fun of Jackie for the way he was eating like a pig out there.
Howard said that he wished he had been there for the torturing of Scott. Jackie told him that they'll do it again.
Richard said that both sides of his jaw were dislocated and that's why it was stuck open. He said that usually just one side will dislocate but he somehow did both sides at the same time. They knew that he had been drinking because this happens to people when they're drunk. Robin said that's because you stop feeling things if you get drunk enough.
Richard told Howard that they took some x-rays and then gave him and IV to knock him out and they popped the jaw back into place. He said the was there for like 14 hours. He said that they asked him if he would feel it if they just tried popping it back in. He said that he didn't have that much to drink, he could still feel things. He said his buddy was making drinks before that and they actually waited a while before bringing him to the hospital.
Robin said that it is possible for that to happen to him again so he has to be careful about that. Howard told him that maybe he should lay off of drinking for a while. Richard said he'll see what happens.
Howard had Robin get into her news a short time later. She read a story about Barbara Walters latest celebrity interview special. She had some clips from that show and had Howard playing them.
After a couple more stories Howard said that he was reading Robin's article in Playboy. He read through some of it on the air. That led to Jackie reading some of Robin's article doing his impression of Robin. He had some fun with that for a few minutes and laughed at some of what he was reading while he was doing it. Jackie was really getting into it and going nuts with the impression of Robin.
Fred had a request for Jackie to read certain parts of Robin's article and told him where to start. Jackie went nuts again with the impression and went way over the top with the voice. Howard wanted to move on with the news but Fred had another request for Jackie to read. Howard eventually put a stop to it and told Jackie that he just goes too long sometimes.
Robin got back into her news and read through a few more stories. She had one about Marcel Marso and that led to Howard doing his own version of ''man stuck in a box'' and other things that he does. He said that anyone can do mime and it's not a big deal. He said the guy made a living out of doing nothing. Howard played some clips of the guy talking and that got Fred doing his French accent and goofing on him a bit.
After taking a break Howard had Robin get back to her news. She read a story about a girl who was stabbed out on the street by someone wielding a needle. Fred threw in some of Jackie's laughs when she was reading those stories. She had one about a rapist and Fred threw in another one of Jackie's laughs.
Robin read a story about Jeffrey Dahmer and Fred threw in some more Jackie laughs while she was describing some of the torturing he did to his victims. She read through a few other stories and Fred threw those laughs into the discussion. She read a story about Roxie Roker dying over the weekend and got another Jackie laugh thrown into that story. Robin wrapped up her news a short time later. Howard said goodbye and ended the show around 9:55am (Master Tape Theatre time).